Tag: The Good The Bad The BMT

Perfect Stranger Recap

Jamie

Rowena Price is an investigative journalist looking to take down her next big fish. That comes in the form of Harrison Hill, the man she presumes killed her friend (or does she?). Using her technological wizard friend and her undercover skillz, can she stop Harrison Hill (or perhaps herself?) before it’s too late? Find out in… Perfect Stranger.

How?! Rowena Price is an investigative reporter extraordinaire. She just loves breaking stories and taking names. But when her latest target gets away using his influence with her newspaper, she quits in disgust. A new big story is right on the horizon, though, when her childhood friend, Grace, shows up and reveals a steamy fling with big time ad man Harrison Hill. Rowena isn’t super interested until Grace turns up dead and Harrison isn’t even on the police’s radar. Using the mad hacking skillz of her friend Miles, she infiltrates Harrison’s company as a temp and catches his eye immediately. She also starts chatting with him via a dark web chat service and begins to compile evidence. Rowena plays hard to get, but uses Harrison’s attraction to her to attempt to hack his computer. When he walks in and accuses her of being a spy, she plays it off like she was leaving an innocent note. Harrison doesn’t totally believe her but like… she’s Halle Berry. Come on! So he says “fine, let’s go on a date,” at which he discovers text messages that totally blow her cover. Enraged, Harrison confronts her, but controls his anger and lets her go. While she’s still trying to figure out how to finish the story, Miles goes to the company himself and discovers the key to getting the police to look into Harrison. Meanwhile, Rowena discovers that Miles is a total creep, but that’s not important yet. In the end they are able to get the police to arrest Harrison and discover enough evidence to get him convicted. In the end, though, it’s revealed in a shocking twist that Rowena actually killed Grace and then set up the whole story because Grace had been blackmailing her. Miles figures this out and attempts to blackmail her too, but she kills him and we end wondering whether this terrible person will be arrested or not, but we also don’t care because we are so thrilled by the amazing twist or whatever. THE END.

Why?! The motivation in the film is the reason why reviewers were irritated with it. Like, Rowena kills Grace because she stole her boyfriend and was blackmailing her and stuff… and she totally gets away with it. Miles didn’t suspect her, Grace’s family didn’t suspect her, her boyfriend didn’t suspect her, and the police didn’t suspect her. Not a single person of importance suspected her. And yet she goes out of her way to do a deep, deep, deep investigation into the murder in order to frame Harrison Hill, a man she has never met, for a murder that no one actually thinks she did. And all while doing this she allows for Miles to figure out that she was the murderer, leading her to have to murder him and try to cover that up too. It’s… not great.

Who?! I agree with Patrick’s assessment that Ribisi’s character is a Planchet. He’s pining over Rowena while she doesn’t give him the time of day (despite being an elite hacker that does most of the heavy lifting in the investigation). He turns out to be a total creep, but before that he was a lamester Planchet for sure. We also have a cameo by Heidi Klum and per usual one of Bruce Willis’ daughters makes an appearance, this time Emma Heming Willis plays Donna.

What?! Finally we have some product placement to talk about! Much like in The Intruder, we are blessed with a main character who’s a rising star (or already risen star) in the advertising world. We see him charming high society at a Victoria’s Secret party for which Rowena stuffed an uncountable number of signature bags. We also see him putting the Heineken team at ease during a meeting (and this seemed to work on Rowena as she also drinks Heineken throughout the film). In fact, why even have the whole muddled murder plot? I am here for all this product placement.

Where?! Very solid NYC film. It even seemed like it focused on the advertising world in part because of the setting. ‘A modern day Mad Men!” say the Bad Movie Twins. “Marketing like you’ve never seen it before!” they rave while slam dunking Hienekens in our Reebok pumps at the big Victoria’s Secret show. A-. 

When?! There actually are a couple scenes with exact dates on them. Not sure they are all entirely consistent, but the one that’s very clear is a website with a number of news articles all dated 2/22/2006 and a date in the corner indicating that that’s the current date. That’s good enough for me and also makes it pretty clear we ain’t dealing with any secret holidays or anything. Booooo. C+.

Blah. Just blah. A boring film about terrible people being terrible and boring. Even the twist was kinda boring. Sure it turned out that the hero was actually the villain (as I expected), but I was also kinda hoping Grace would turn out to be a ghost. Alas, can’t win ‘em all. I really do think the issue with the motivation is what makes this so infuriating. Like… why? Why would she investigate the murder that she committed? There are some potential reasons, but most of them are dumb and I won’t even go into them. I really wish they just revealed that everything she ever did was a frame job. That her entire career was based on committing crimes, framing people for them, and then collecting Pulitzer Prizes for the revealing investigative reports she writes about the crimes she committed. In fact, I just copyrighted that. Patrick?

Patrick

‘Ello everyone! If I made this movie I would called it What a Twist! Because that’s what the movie is about. The twist at the end. Let’s go!

P’s View on the Preview – I think I was hoping this would be a return to form for the classic BMT erotic thriller. The Color of Night was an amazing BMT back in the day. And the genre is so scarce and fleeting to find another one (starring Willis no less) is quite fun. What were my expectations? Some gross erotic thriller action. Sock it to me! Pretend that like … pouring wax on one another is the pinnacle of sensuality put to film.

The Good – If you wanted to point at an erotic thriller that does a good job of explaining the reality of an erotic thriller look no further: these people wouldn’t all be suave rich people having sex with each other. They would be a bunch of gross people and then maybe a rich person exploiting them while a bunch of sex happens. That’s what this film really feels like. Berry is a woman who was molested as a young girl, and whose friend seems to have been murdered by a rich dude. And Ribisi is a straight up alcoholic and obsessed with Berry to a profoundly depressing extent. That is what an actual erotic thriller looks like. And I’ll have to give the movie a bit of credit for that.

The Bad – The movie is sooooooooo boring. For a while I was wondering whether the film was just really really confusing. But I think it is the opposite. The movie is so boring that my mind was wandering during whatever exposition they were giving me, and I became confused later on. Even when it was trying to be like a cat-and-mouse chasing of a murderer type film there is nothing actually of interest. All of the grossness of the characters I mentioned in the good section is also bad … because it makes me not care the Ribisi is going to either be a serial killer or get killed at the end. I just don’t care about these people … that isn’t a good thing.

The BMT – Naw, this pales so much in comparison to the early 90s thrillers that I can’t even be bothered to care about this film in the end. It is very little narratively going for it, and in the end I think this will get lost in the BMT shuffle. Did it meet my expectations? Nope. I wanted just a fraction of that sweet erotic thriller schlock, and it game be less than nothing. It gave me a gross, boring mess. No me gusta, get that outta here.

Roast-radamus – In its own weird gross way I do think Ribisi could be considered a Planchet (Who?). His entire arc in the film is just being dunked on over and over and then killed. Because the film focuses on an ad executive you know there is going to be some insane Product Placement (What?). In this case we have a gigantic party with Victoria’s Secret, and a subplot involving Reebok. Both great. A very Setting as a Character (Where?) for New York complete with riverside murder scenes, subways, and obviously too expensive apartments floating on subprime mortgage money. And then we are at the Worst Twist (How?) with them revealing it was our hero all along! Even after it looks like she got away with it, she didn’t, such is like. The film is so boring it has an outside shot at Bad I think in the end.

StreetCreditReport.com – I’m not surprised this doesn’t have much cred. It is most notable for being boring and having an in your face awful twist. Also 2007 was one of the worst years in film as far as the sheer number of awful films being produced, so it can be forgive. It should get some credit for being a very-late-to-the-game erotic (ish) thriller at the very least.

You Just Got Schooled – For this one I ended up kind of accidentally discovering that The Last Boy Scout was the last time Bruce Willis and Halle Berry worked together prior to Perfect Stranger. I have to say, I loved it. It was a solid mix of 90s action with just enough sweaty noir to make everything kind of loose and fun. I thought both Willis and Wayans were amazing in this and I’m shocker they didn’t at least try to make a sequel, although I would have to assume it was Willis who decided he didn’t want to. The opening scene is still nuts, but it pretty quickly settled into great Willis/Wayans banter throughout. A. Legitimately, one of the most enjoyable homework assignments I’ve done for BMT.

Cheerios,

The sklogs

Turbulence Recap

Jamie

Ryan Weaver is a newly recaught serial killer being flown back to Los Angeles for trial. During the flight, one of the other prisoners escapes, resulting in the deaths of both pilots. Now a flight attendant, Teri, is the only thing that stands in the way of the maniac crashing the plane. Can she stop the bad guy and land the plane before it’s too late? Find out in… Turbulence.

How?! Ryan Weaver is a serial killer (or is he? (He is… just look at him)) who is being flown back to LA for trial after being recaught. Taking advantage of a Christmas Eve flight that is nearly empty, the marshals load him onto the plane with another prisoner, making the flight crew nervous. Teri, one of the flight attendants, is at first intrigued by Weaver, who comes across as charming (but also super duper Ray Liotta creepy) and not at all what she expects a serial killer to be like (besides his general serial killer vibe). It becomes only more confusing when the other prisoner is able to escape and take everyone hostage, but is ultimately subdued and killed by Weaver (but also it’s not confusing because Ray Liotta is a madman and obviously is playing a serial killer). As this has all happened, both pilots have ended up dead, leaving Weaver in charge and Teri the only one trying to stop the plane from crashing. Unfortunately, they are heading straight for a megastorm (oh no!) and things are looking pretty dire. Realizing that Teri is trying to save the plane and ruin his plan of having it crash into some populated area (interesting plan), Weaver lures her out of the cockpit and tries to scare her into submission. But he didn’t count on her grit and smarts cause she uses Weaver’s obvious attraction to her against him and is able to knock him down for the count and retreat back to the cockpit. At this point they are through the storm (really not much of a role in the film) and Teri is able to get the autopilot set for landing. Just then, though, Weaver destroys the autopilot and sets the plane back on a crash course (oh no!). Teri is able to barely save the plane and turn it around and begs for one more shot at saving their lives before being shot down. But Weaver has other plans as he busts into the cockpit and they have a final climactic fight, ending with Teri shooting Weaver. Getting back to the cockpit, Teri reengages the emergency autopilot and brings the plane in safely. THE END.

Why?! Survival, for the most part. Alternatively, Weaver’s motivations are all over the place. He’s a serial killer on death row so he’s really not trying to survive. He more seems annoyed that the detective who caught him was able to get a conviction by planting evidence. And even then mostly because that’s a blow to his ego. He wants everyone to know that he was in fact too smart to be caught by ethical means and is then hoping to crash the plane so that he can go out with a bang and show everyone how smart he is and how the detective didn’t win. It’s nuts, but also kinda refreshing for the insane person in a film to truly act insane. I guess that’s the benefit of casting Ray Liotta. He nails acting insane.

Who?! There honestly isn’t much for this section, but the captain of the plane is played by J. Kenneth Campbell. That would not be notable in any way other than his face is now burned into my brain because he plays a character, Flint Lukash, in the film Operation Delta Force 2: Mayday and it is the greatest acting performance of all time. In fact, don’t watch Turbulence. Watch that film instead. He is a mad man.

What?! Being on an airplane there are a number of products thrown about. Some Minute Maid orange juice clutched in terror, a Heineken ordered in jest, a Ford attached to the wheel of the plane (naturally). The Ford is even commented on in the script. Quite the achievement for a product placement. I also did want to note that the airline in the film is a fake one called TCA (Trans Continental Airlines). That would be totally uninteresting except that the former manager of the Backstreet Boys, Lou Perlman, used that company name as the front for his Ponzi scheme. Now at the time that the film was being made the Ponzi scheme was active, but not yet uncovered, so just a really weird coincidence.

Where?! There is a whole cycle we could do for film set on different modes of transportation or in a location that is not specific to a place in the world. Here this is truly a “plane movie” and boy is it ever. It also technically takes place in New York at the beginning and LA at the end. It’s very solid and very important to the plot. A.

When?! Secret Holiday Film Alert! And this one is a doozy. This film takes place on a Christmas Eve flight. You might be like, oh that’s fun, they mention that it’s Christmas Eve. No they don’t just mention Christmas Eve. This film IS Christmas Eve. Liotta is caught while out buying a Christmas present for his next victim. The plane is so decked out with Christmas decorations that it legit seems like a hazard of some sort. It’s a Wonderful Life is playing on the plane in the background of multiple scenes. It’s an A… It’s just an A.

This film is pure schlock. Probably the funniest thing about it is that the script seems to be written from the perspective that the audience is not supposed to know whether Weaver did it or not. There are hints that he may have been framed, the flight attendants chatter about how he seems so charming, and he’s nice and polite up to the point of seemingly saving the plane from the other, clearly evil prisoner. One problem… they cast Ray Liotta, creepiest man alive, to play Weaver. You have to chuckle when Liotta, innocently chatting up the flight attendants, comes across not as a charming, possibly framed man, but as a Ray Liotta crazy maniac. It’s almost like he read the script, got bored, skipped to the end and was like “crazy and creepy as fuck, got it” and then played it that way for the entire film. It’s genuinely funny. Add on top one of the most insane not-so-secret holiday films of our generation and I think it’s a pretty solid BMT. It is more entertaining than it actually deserved to be despite botching pretty much every aspect of the film, but maybe that’s what a BMT film is all about. Patrick?

Patrick

‘Ello everyone! If I made this film I would call it Frequent Flayer. Get it? He’s a serial killer on a plane. Should we just call it Serial Killer on a Plane? Let’s go!

P’s View on the Preview – I knew basically nothing about this film before watching it. I was returning from a trip and watched it before completing the preview. So I kind of knew it starred Liotta and that it was an airplane thriller. That’s it. I was in for a wild (turbulent? Nope that isn’t a phrase) ride. What were my expectations? I guess I kind of hoped it tracked along with Con Air? Like a knock off Con Air. It came out around the same time so that made sense to me.

The Good – Hooooooooooooo boy, if you like insane performances there is nothing better than Liotta in this guy. Also, there is a “twist” in the beginning where they do a very small and short-lived head fake to make the viewer think “hey, maybe Liotta is a good guy.” That head fake is hilarious and so obviously a fake that it kind of makes the whole first act work. Without it and you’re left waiting for Liotta to break free of his chains (and all time and space and logic) and start chewing the plane apart like a gremlin in The Twilight Zone.

The Bad – Basically the rest of the film. Liotta’s performance actually belongs here because it is ludicrous. It might be one of the craziest villain performances ever. No one has ever gone more over the top than this. They throw a bunch of subplots against the wall to add drama to the film, but none of them work because they hinge on everyone in the film making terribly dumb decisions. If the main character had merely decided it was more important to stay in the cockpit and lock Liotta in the main portion of the plane, then most of the rest of the film could have been avoided quite easily I think. The film is also basically plotless … a serial killer gets on a plane and is trying to crash it. That’s it. Finally, they assemble a whole rag tag group of passengers in the beginning of the film … and then lock them in a back room 30 minutes in, never to be seen again. Presumably it is because they realized they couldn’t have Liotta kill them all, but they also couldn’t figure out how they wouldn’t overpower him once they realized he intended on crashing the plane? The whole film is insane!

The BMT – I think I’m a bit higher on this one than Jamie, but that is fine. Maybe it is because I watched it while actually on a plane (which was interesting … didn’t really bother me). It definitely gets me jazzed to develop an odd-setting-as-a-character cycle which breaks the mold of the normal state/country settings we are used to. Did it meet my expectations? I suppose since I didn’t have many expectations it had to. I should have been prepared for Liotta, but somehow I wasn’t. And he exceeded my expectations. It was like In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale all over again!

Roast-radamus – I’m going to throw out a minor Product Placement (What?) for Ford, which gave us the car that nearly takes out heroic plane down. Is this a Setting as a Character (Where?) for a plane in general? I think so. The plane is kind of a character. And boy does Ray Liotta go to town on our boy. It is definitely an excellent Secret Holiday Film (When?) because you know you can’t have a Die Hard Scenario unless it is set during Christmas. I also have to mention the kind of interesting Worst Twist (How?) as they initially seem to play up a “Liotta is innocent” like in The Fugitive, but then it becomes abundantly clear he is a psycho. I think it is a real twist despite the fact that they ignore it in the trailers for the film. And I think this has a decent shot at BMT as well solely due to Liotta’s b-b-b-b-b-bonkers performance.

StreetCreditReport.com – Surprisingly no cred really. You would think this of all things would get more play as it contrasts with Con Air and Air Force One around the same time. WatchMojo, which I think is run by IMDb, gave it honorable mentions for both best hijacking films, and best airplane crashes … boooooooo. I genuinely think this could be in the top 5 worst airplane films, and it might be one of the craziest serial killer performances by Liotta. So take that mainstream media, you missed out on this one.

You Just Got Schooled – So there are two straight-to-video sequels to this film, but I obviously wouldn’t watch either of those so … psych! I watched the second one, Turbulence 2: Fear of Flying. In this installment a class of people with a fear of flying, upon graduation, take a flight from Seattle to Los Angeles to celebrate. Little do they know there is a deadly toxin on board and a terrorist itching to use it! The film stars Tom Berenger most notably as the ground control operator trying to help bring the plane back to Seattle safely. The film is not that bad from a tv movie perspective. Usually tv movies are just boring and sad. This threw every hijacked plane twist at the wall and hoped something would stick, which was actually pretty entertaining. Combine that with a lead actor with stage combat training (who clearly insisted on using it), and a mysterious carton of milk Berenger drank throughout the film, and you have a winner in my book. I did not watch the third one though, Turbulence 3: Heavy Metal. But I didn’t need to as I had already seen it reviewed on Red Letter Media and had very little interest in experiencing the film for myself:

Cheerios,

The Sklogs

Crocodile Dundee In Los Angeles Recap

Jamie

Crocodile Dundee is back, Jack! And boy is he family friendly. When Sue gets a job offer in LA, Mick sees an opportunity to educate their young son in the ways of the world. But he’s soon thrust into the middle of the action when Sue starts investigating a dangerous story. Can Mick stop the bad guys before it’s too late? Find out in… Crocodile Dundee in Los Angeles.

How?! We return to the adventures of Crocodile Dundee and are greeted with a picture of domestic bliss. Sue and Mick now have a child and enjoy their lives in Australia. There’s really only one problem: Mick doesn’t want to get married. But they’ve come to terms with that in a lot of ways too. When Sue gets a call about temporarily taking over the LA office of her father’s newspaper she is hesitant, but Mick suggests they go for it so that their son, Mikey, can experience the big city, just like he did so many years ago. They make the trip and boy is he already a fish out of water. He’s picking up skunks because he doesn’t know what they are, he’s interacting with Mike Tyson doing some meditation, etc. etc. It sure is a series of wacky hijinks. When Sue gets on the trail of some criminal activity being committed by a small film studio, Mick offers up his services to infiltrate the set. There he immediately ingratiates himself to the crew with his skillz with the animalz. With the steady job he’s able to find out that something funny is happening with a series of paintings being used on the set of their latest picture. It sure seems like they are smuggling priceless paintings into the country using the film as a ruse. But that can’t be, those paintings have been destroyed (or have they?!). In his attempt to get the final evidence against the studio, Mick, Sue, and his friend Jacko (oh yeah, he was also there), are chased by the studio head and his thugs. But never count out Mick, who uses some of the on-set animals to scare the baddies into submission. Because of the danger, Mick realizes how much he loves Sue and their life and so he proposes and they get married. THE END.

Why?! There is certainly a reason for the more family oriented turn in the series. Mick and Sue are happily together and have a life and a kid. The film is less about Mick and Sue’s adjustments to the other’s world and more about teaching their son about the world that his mother comes from… or at least that’s the motivation until Investigative Reporter Sue is hot on the case of some criminal activity. The baddies just want money and that money comes in the form of smuggled paintings thought to have been destroyed in a bombing in war-torn Yugoslavia (naturally).

Who?! I mean, there is a whole scene of Paul Hogan meditating with Mike Tyson and it’s one of the weirdest things I’ve ever seen. I don’t understand it and I don’t wish to understand it. George Hamilton also makes a cameo and then there are a couple newscasters that play themselves, which is amusing and something to think about for future cycles.

What?! This is a no-brainer as there is an entire scene devoted to Crocodile Dundee showing off America’s great cuisine to his friend Jacko by driving him through a Wendy’s drive-thru. This joke is mentioned in a lot of places as one of the few that actually hit, which is impressive for product placement. And because the placement is so gratuitous there were actually articles written about it in major newspapers like the New York Times. It’s incredible.

Where?! A+ setting alert! We have Croc D. We have LA. We have Crocodile Dundee in Los Angeles. There is also a significant part at the beginning and end that are set in Australia, so we’re looking at an LA sandwich with Australia bread. Delicious. A+.

When?! I’ve been on a roll in not finding when these films are set. There is a possibility that we could maybe find something in the news reports that are shown. But I don’t think so. Otherwise all we know is that it takes place during the school year. Not great. I guess it’s a D-… we know the bare minimum.

I mean… the film is kinda sad if you think of it as an actual entry in the series. But it’s really more like something like Ace Ventura Jr., where they take a property and make it family-friendly and send it straight-to-video (except this is a major release and all the main actors return for their roles). It is not even that the film is necessarily horrible or anything, it is actually a reasonable family comedy, but it probably belonged on video. It really does feel like Paul Hogan willed this film into existence because he needed an influx of that sweet, sweet Croc D moolah. At this point the most interesting thing about the film is that fantasy sports expert Matthew Berry wrote it and has talked about that experience on some podcasts and a few times on his website and ESPN. It is an interesting story and informs some of what you see with the series as a whole, particularly regarding Paul Hogan’s process and the reason why a film like this even exists in the first place. Patrick?

Patrick

‘Ello everyone! If I made this movie I would call it Crocodile Dundee: A Crocodile Out of Water. Just so you know that this time Dundee is going to be out of his element. Let’s go!

P’s View on the Preview – This guy has always been on our radar. What it looks like is the ultimate logical conclusion to the fish out of water story. A notable fish out of water at his fishiest and at his most out of water. It just screams: We’re going to make Crocodile Dundee feel uncomfortable about things, and its the early 2000s, so some of those things are probably gay panic. It is a pretty exciting time. What were my expectations? Just that. I admit, watching the trailer the movie came across different than I expected. Specifically, I kind of didn’t remember he had a kid in this one, nor that his Australian friend came with him. Regardless if Dundee seems out of water I’ll be pretty happy.

The Good – Paul Hogan is very charming. It isn’t surprising he became a star for a hot second in the 80s (it also isn’t that surprising he faded quickly, Dundee kind of seems like he’s playing himself to an extent, or like a character he developed and played for a long time, like Jim Varney and Ernest). It really is a super sweet family film. The film is mostly about Dundee being a great father and supporting his family while trying to find a place in the world. He does in the end (with a wink and a nod) as, effectively, an LA private detective.

The Bad – The fact that they immediately go back to the “weird not-crocodile-hunting and not-romantic-comedy story” well is pretty nuts. It is the main reason the second film doesn’t work, and they go straight back to that well making Crocodile Dundee a private detective almost immediately. Oh he’s also magic and can talk to animals. Everyone thinks his giant knife is cool instead of terrifying (which is what it actually is). And indeed, they make several jokes about either Crocodile Dundee being gay or our Australian bumpkins being shocked by being exposed to gay people. The whole thing just plays out as a kind of … well I’ll just reuse the phrase logical conclusion. It is the logical and inevitable conclusion to the Crocodile Dundee Saga.

The BMT – It might actually be the best / most obvious bad fish-out-of-water film ever made. It is also a great third-film-way-after-the-sequel film. It is a great Los Angeles film. It has a lot going for it. I wish the film was cheesier and less of a heartfelt family comedy … but what can you do. Did it meet my expectations? It kind of fell short. I expected it to be a lot crazier, but it ended up being less crazy than the second one. I still can’t quite get over how they thought the logical sequel storyline for Crocodile Dundee was international drug conspiracy … Somehow the third film’s storyline concerning an international art smuggling operation ends up feeling sane in comparison.

Roast-radamus – Is he actually a Planchet (Who?) or something else? I think Jacko, the Australian bumpkin who seems to have been introduced to the movie being Crocodile Dundee was somehow too cosmopolitan, qualifies nicely, despite them kind of being very kind to him. This time there is a slam dunk Product Placement (What?) with Dundee and Jacko going through a Wendy’s drive through and showing down on some delicious burgers. Also an A+ Setting as a Character (Where?) for Los Angeles which is very very Los Angeles in the film. Beyond that I don’t think it’ll be looked at for anything else.

StreetCreditReport.com – There aren’t many lists from 2001 for some reason … I would have thought by then a bunch of places would have started making them. Regardless it didn’t get onto anything I’ve found. It doesn’t really seem to be referenced anywhere. Any of the categories I listed above I think would do well to include the film on a short list. Worst fish-out-of-water, worst delayed trilogy-completing film, worst A+ setting film. The film is absurd, but they pull out a pretty decent trick. Despite looking like it is going to be just the worst thing you’ve ever seen, instead it manages to wrap itself in a pretty cute story about a family forging their own way. It doesn’t make it good, but it isn’t the worst thing in the world.

You Just Got Schooled – Obviously we have to do a review for the original film, so here goes! I watched Crocodile Dundee a few years ago and I remember being pleasantly surprised. The fact that Dundee is kind of suggested to be a fraudster and poacher was a refreshing way to introduce the character. Instead of being some glorious “native” character that teaches the hero about life and love, he’s a charmingly backwards guy with an unknown (and possibly sinister) past. It develops into a genuinely good romantic comedy, and it is no wonder it ended up being the film that triggered the somewhat brief star turn for Hogan in Hollywood. B+. If only they kept that original spirit up for the sequel instead of falling back into more common Hollywood tropes. Jamie’s right. They should have had the sequel focus on Dundee trying (and failing) to find a job in New York City. After a blow up with Sue he goes back to his land in Australia. After some drama, Sue realizes the moral of the story: It is unkind to ask Dundee to change so much to fit into New York City life, and maybe there is a middle ground for their life together. Smash cut to sue making big city deals in her office, but that (what a twist) zoom out to reveal the office is in the middle of the outback. Boom. Don’t make a third.

Cheerios,

The Sklogs

Crocodile Dundee II Recap

Jamie

Crocodile Dundee is back, Jack! And boy is he still having trouble adjusting to life in the Big Apple. When Sue gets caught up in a dangerous story about Colombian drug traffickers, it’s up to Mick to save her and save the day. Can he stop the bad guys with his powers of the Australian outback? Find out in… Crocodile Dundee II.

How?! Crocodile Dundee is living it up in NYC. But it’s not all that fun just hanging out. It’s time to get a job and boy howdy is that a hoot. That is until Sue’s ex-husband/journalist gets her embroiled in a dangerous expose about a murderous Colombian drug lord. Oh no! When Sue is kidnapped, it’s up to ol’ Croc D (as the kids call him) to jump into the fray with the help of some bee-boppin’ teen troublemakers. He’s able to snag Sue back and escape to the Australian bush. On his territory the drug lord is at a disadvantage and Crocodile Dundee makes them look silly at every turn. He’s able to slowly pick apart their crew until they take them all out and Sue and everyone is safe. Long live, Crocodile Dundee! Wait… is this seriously all this movie is about? Let me look back on my notes… yup. This is literally the entire plot of the film. THE END.

Why?! Hmmm, well this is more like a situation than a real motivation. Crocodile Dundee and Sue would have probably just kept on living their lives if it wasn’t for the pesky Colombian drug lord. It’s almost like they wrote a film where the entire motivation was Crocodile Dundee wanting to get a job, but then realized that that’s more like an SNL sketch and not a real movie. So then they added in the life or death stakes of international drug smuggling (naturally).

Who?! It’s always funny to find all the different types of people to feature for this category. We highlighted Nobel Prize winning characters for god’s sake. But I rarely highlight the kid actors in a film. Usually it’s not particularly notable. Here, though, there are a few kids that Crocodile Dundee shows off to and one of them is Tatyana Ali. It was her first role ever and she didn’t appear in another feature film until… Kiss the Girls! Woooooaaahhhhhh.

What?! There isn’t much to say for this. When Crocodile Dundee shows off his patented Croc D Never-Miss Throw, he uses the classic red and white can of a delicious coke. Not only do the colors pop on the screen, but it’s refreshing too. But not a super great entry for this one… that has to wait for the third film. Hoooo weeeee.

Where?! All the Crocodile Dundee films are pretty good for setting. The first was a fish out of water tale of an Australian man from the bush being dropped in NYC. Now he’s gotten his feet in NYC, but must save Sue by bringing the Colombian drug lord to the bush. So now the drug lord is the fish out of water… and Crocodile Dundee is the dynamite. A

When?! Oh, I don’t know. It feels like the summer. He’s out fishing in the Hudson and the like. But I don’t think it was made very clear. It’s like Croc D (as the kids call him) exists outside of time. He’s just ambling through his day dealing with whatever animals cross his path.

There are definitely some positives for the film. Like Sue and Croc D (as the kids call him) still have that sexy charm that we know and love. He’s also still funny being the laid-back tough Australian. But the plot really lacked and they didn’t really know what to do for the sequel other than just retread a tired 80’s plot. It’s almost more like a TV pilot than an actual movie. It also doesn’t help that there are some truly bonkers potentially offensive jokes sprinkled throughout. But then again, I think it was the same case with the first film (and spoiler alert, the third film). I still don’t think the film is that bad considering the characters are still the same. But also nothing to write home about… or even write much about in a recap. This has got to be some record for brevity in a BMT post. Patrick? 

Patrick

‘Ello everyone! If I made this movie I would call it Crocodile Dundee: Back to the Bush. Just so you’re like “whoa, I’m so happy they are going back to Australia!” You know? Let’s go!

P’s View on the Preview – This has been a long time coming. I watched Crocodile Dundee ages ago and, no surprise, I loved it. A surprisingly good film. You’d think it would be kind of cheesy and dumb, but nope. Rather heartfelt stuff. Obviously the third one is the premier BMT prospect, but maybe this one could be bad as well? We’d just have to watch and see. What were my expectations? More of the same I suppose. It is the most plausible explanation, once the shine of the originality of the first film wears off what you are left with is just a boring retread.

The Good – The last maybe 30 minutes of this film is actually quite charming and fun. It is nice seeing Crocodile Dundee in his element owning big city losers in the outback. A little odd to say considering the entire film franchise is based around the concept of a fish out of water. The character is just more fun when he’s in water, what can I say? While the acting can get a bit dicey, I thought the bad guy was pretty good. He exudes a very menacing calmness that combines with his obvious arrogance well. And I think Hogan and Kozlowski have as good of chemistry as ever.

The Bad – The story is just like … a different story with Crocodile Dundee inserted into it? The original was literally just a romantic comedy between the two leads taking place in Australia and New York City (in a reverse of this film). But here, seemingly unable to think about what to do with Dundee, they just decide to involve him in an international drug smuggling conspiracy. Why? Hogan complained in interviews about how he didn’t want Dundee to just become James Bond, but then why did you write the first sequel as basically a knockoff James Bond?! It is truly bizarre and almost sinks the entire film. The middle bit is very weird as well involving a very nice man named Leroy Brown, and a comic Warriors-esque gang of youths. Oh and the inevitable homophobic joke that also pokes fun at suicide.

The BMT – This film is a lot better of a BMT that I would have expected. The entire storyline is insane. Like … why is Crocodile Dundee battling a drug kingpin again? Weird choice. It’ll be overshadowed by the third film for sure, but maybe it shouldn’t be. Did it meet my expectations? It exceeded them. I expected a boring retread, and instead I got an insane international drug kingpin story! There are just enough weird bits (the gang in particular in the middle of the film out of nowhere) to sustain the film until you get to Australia. Once you get to Australia the film actually is kind of good.

Roast-radamus –  I think there is a pretty strong Setting as  a Character (Where?) for New York City and Australia. The double team is actually pretty great, and they make rural Australia seem a lot more welcoming and beautiful than a lot of Americans probably think. I do think there is a minor Product Placement (What?). No, not for Australia. Well, not directly. All three films seem to be subtle commercials for Fosters (it’s Australian for beer don’t you know?). There is a pretty awesome MacGuffin (Why?) involving pictures of the drug kingpin literally murdering a man in the open. The entire plot of the film hinges on Dundee getting involved in that nonsense. It’ll be closest to Good but I don’t think it’ll get there. As I said, it is actually a pretty good BMT because it is so weird at times.

StreetCreditReport.com – Sorry Crocodile Dundee II, you got no cred! At least, I don’t think this film was particularly poorly regarded at the time, just kind of meh. All of the cred comes from the third film at this point. Without the third film I bet we would have watched the two Crocodile Dundee films, thought the second wasn’t that bad, and wondered why a third wasn’t made. It is the second worst Crocodile Dundee film, so it has that going for it.

You Just Got Schooled – I’m going to skip this bit because no joke no one in this film seems to be in a non-qualifying film to watch. Check out the Crocodile Dundee in Los Angeles recap to read my review of the original film.

Cheerios,

The Sklogs

The Odd Couple II Recap

Jamie

Felix and Oscar are back, Jack! And boy are they an odd couple. Thirty years after becoming antagonistic roommates (and yet still friends, aww) they are reunited when their children announce their engagement. Traveling together to the wedding they just can’t seem to keep out of trouble. Will they make the wedding before it’s too late? Find out in The Odd Couple II.

How?! Oscar Madison is living it up in Florida, still a slob and still killing it with the ladies. When his son announces that he’s getting married in just a week, Oscar is shocked to find out that the lucky lady is his friend Felix Unger’s daughter. They meet up in California after thirty long years and start their roadtrip off on all the wrong feet. First Oscar loses Felix’s luggage, then Oscar loses the directions to the wedding, and finally they accidentally destroy their rental car. They get picked up by a truck driving to the nearest town, but in a kooky happenstance get arrested when it’s found that the truck is being used for smuggling. Released by the police, they first live it up with a couple of party girls before catching a ride in an excruciatingly slow car driven by an extremely old man. The old man dies, of course, and Felix and Oscar find themselves arrested again (getting the gist of the gag here?). Released again they catch a bus, but get stopped when the husbands of the party girls take them off the bus by gunpoint. This of course ends with them getting arrested again (of course). Fed up, the police personally drive them to the airport where they catch a plane to the wedding and meet up with Oscar’s ex-sister-in-law, Felice, who Felix takes a liking to. Finally at the wedding they help douse some last minute drama and happily watch their children get married. They say goodbye at the airport, with Oscar going back to Florida and Felix going to stay with Felice. But in a shocking twist we find that this all doesn’t work out and Felix shows up in Florida asking to stay with Oscar. At first he’s like “no” but eventually is like “yes.” Thus setting us up for the sequel (or not). THE END.

Why?! Unlike the original there is a clear mission here: they need to get to the wedding. End of story. In the original we have a sitcom setup, but really the motivation for both Oscar and Felix is to come to terms with their divorces and move on with their lives in a healthy way (which they do through the power of friendship, aww). But here they aren’t really coming to terms with anything… other than getting to that goddamn wedding.

Who?! This is actually a tough category as it’s a bit of a two man show. The only kinda interesting thing is that both Felix and Oscar’s wives have remarried between the first and second film. Felix’s wife’s new name is Povitch… which I can’t really see a connection to. Oscar’s wife’s new name is Melnick, which does seem to connect to Daniel Melnick, a producer who produced one of Neil Simon’s films and also apparently played poker with him.

What?! There are a number of product placements in the film. Probably my favorite was Budget, because they not only very prominently displayed the logo, but then Oscar proceeded to keep on talking about how Budget would probably send Felix his luggage in the new age of technology… in my head he screams about Budget like a thousand times, but probably he only said it once or twice.

Where?! It’s a California sandwich with Florida as the bread. It’s a very good California film because they keep on harping on how all the towns sound the same and how they need to learn a new language if they lived there and stuff. This is obviously offensive, but also interesting because Oscar lives in a retirement community in Florida. So really it just indicates how infrequently he must leave that community in order to be shocked by the prominence of Spanish in California. B+

When?! Gotta give this an F or an incomplete because I do not recall there being a clear indication for when this took place. Seems like summer given the weather and the fact that Matthau is writing about minor league baseball in Florida, but I didn’t catch any other clear indication of the date. Not like we see a wedding invitation. His own son only tells him about the wedding a week in advance.

Meh, I mean… I guess it is what it is. It’s kind of a shame that this was the sequel they went with. I almost would have preferred they scrapped all the wedding shit and just did another Odd Couple. Felix shows up in Florida after his fourth divorce. Oscar is coming to terms with being old. And through the power of friendship they are able to settle into their new lives. Somehow the film convinced me that I would have rather they harped MORE on them being old. Like… them being old is actually not really that big a part of the film. Which is really weird because they are quite old. Also if I hadn’t watched the original film in preparation (shocker: it’s good) then I would have said that Walter Matthau was just starting to babble a bit because most of his jokes seem improvised and don’t make any sense… but he’s kinda like that in the original too. Just seems like maybe it was part of his cranky, everyman charm. Spouting zingers, even if the zingers don’t always make sense. Patrick?

Patrick

‘Ello everyone! If I made this movie I would call it The Old Couple. Heyyyyyyooooooooooooooooooooooo!!! Let’s go!

P’s View on the Preview – I had actually never seen the original The Odd Couple, but you can obviously know it by reputation. I managed to grow up during the peak old-people-as-protagonist era of Hollywood comedies, so I became quite familiar with Matthau and Lemmon’s later work. I like them both a lot, so I expected to like the original at the very least. What were my expectations? I expected to find the film very old school, not funny, and odd. It is abundantly obviously the film is a classic roadtrip comedy … but like why is The Odd Couple a roadtrip comedy now? Bizarre choice.

The Good – Matthau and Lemmon are indeed very very charming. You can tell that both of them are really on their last legs as far as acting is concerned, but they still seem to have it and their chemistry is undeniable. There are a few amusing parts here and there, especially if you ignore that it is, you know … a sequel to The Odd Couple for no discernible reason.

The Bad – Uh, why is this a roadtrip comedy? It is just such a glaringly bizarre choice! The original film might as well have been a single set play. And now you take these characters out into the wider world? And not only that, but the world is somehow a very cartoony version of California. A version of California where not only are our heroes utterly lost in its wide openness, but then can’t help but stumble right back into the same town over and over again? Just set the film in an old folks home! Just set the film in Florida. Really, just do anything but this. It also has to be, bar none, the shortest third act in history. Once they get to the wedding it is about 10 minutes of nonsense and then the movie ends.

The BMT – Pop it in there with some of the bad sequels we watched. I also hope it’ll get us to run through the old-people-as-protagonists genre really quickly. There are only a dozen or so examples, with only a few qualifying, so it should be easy enough. Cocoon: The Return here we come! Did it meet my expectations? Unfortunately yes. The only real thing that sinks the film is the choice to make it a roadtrip comedy. I bet it gets a kind of middling “not very funny, but charming nonetheless” review if it was just The Odd Couple in a nursing home.

Roast-radamus – I do need to give a shout out for What an Odd Couple! (Who?) as this is obviously the oddest of all odd couples. A nice minor Product Placement (What?) for Budget rent-a-car which is basically a character in the beginning of the film. Definitely a nice Setting as a Character (Where?) for California. It is so crazy it just throws our heroes for a loop over and over again. I’m not going for any of the others as they are too much of a stretch. I also doubt it’ll get any of the superlatives either.

StreetCreditReport.com – It was nominated for two Stinkers that year (worst sequel, and worst comedy), but won neither. It was also picked by Siskel and Ebert for their worst of list of 1998. There aren’t many other lists, but it could just be the worst sequel to a movie based on a play that itself was not based on a play. Think about that for about ten seconds.

You Just Got Schooled – Naturally when watching the sequel one must watch the original The Odd Couple from 1968. The film is completely driven by Matthau and Lemmon obviously, and their chemistry is, like with the sequel, incredible. The script is razor sharp and surprisingly heartfelt throughout. The major complaint is that the arguments are a little too real, to the point that it makes me a bit uncomfortable at times. Also, it is a bit shocking to realize that this film came out a year after The Graduate. The type of direction is just so starkly different. This is the more old school stage play style of filmmaking, which is interesting to watch on the verge of the 70s style that was about to come into style. The film is a classic. A.

Cheerios,

The Sklogs

Lara Croft Tomb Raider: The Cradle of Life Recap

Jamie

Lara Croft is back, Jack! And boy does she have a Cradle of Life to find. Hot on the tail of an ancient lost treasure, Lara finds out that it’s linked to a mythological plague and an eeeevil scientist is interested in releasing it. Can Lara stop the scientist (and perhaps find love) before it’s too late? Find out in Lara Croft: Tomb Raider – The Cradle of Life.

How?! When an earthquake uncovers Alexander the Great’s lost treasure, Lara Croft is the first one there ready to make bank. But before she can leave she’s ambushed by a bunch of evildoers who take nothing but a curious orb. Turns out that orb is a link to Pandora’s Box and the Cradle of Life (and the unstoppable plague it holds) and the buyer is Johnathan Reiss, a Nobel Prize winning scientist-turned-bioterrorist. MI6 begs Lara to help them track and stop Reiss, but she’s like “I need my lover Gerard Butler/Terry stat.” They don’t like that because Terry is a criminal asshole, but relent for the sake of the world. Releasing Terry from prison, Lara and him extreme sport their way into China to confront the thieves. Lara is able to defeat the main bad guy in hand to hand combat and find out where the orb is being sold. They attempt to stop the transaction, but Reiss is able to get away, but not before Lara puts a tracker on the orb. Using that they are able to infiltrate the bad guy’s hideout and get the orb. Success! Lara drops Terry like a hot potato and figures out where the Cradle of Life is in Africa. Extreme sporting her way into Africa, she is dismayed to find that before she can get to the Cradle of Life, Reiss is able to use Lara’s friends to lead him to the location as well. He forces Lara to help him infiltrate the Cradle and slam dunk their way to Pandora’s Box. When all hope seems lost, Terry comes to the rescue and Lara is able to defeat Reiss in hand to hand combat. Phew. Everything is safe, right? WRONG! Terry is like “who cares about the world, this plague is worth a fortune!” and tries to convince Lara to steal it with him. With sadness in her eyes she must kill her former lover to keep the world safe. THE END. Big Question: What is Terry’s plan? Sell a plague for money… that will be worth nothing when the world’s economies collapse as a result of the plague? Smart.

Why?! Lara seems to be generally a treasure hunter, but once that’s out of the picture her main motivation is to save the world I guess. It’s actually a little interesting that MI6 requires the help of Lara for this mission given that she probably routinely breaks international law, but whatever. Everyone else is generally evil.

Who?! In a shocking turn of events we jumped from one insane Nobel Prize winning scientist film to another insane Nobel Prize winning scientist film in The Island of Dr. Moreau and this. Very unexpected. I’ll also note the fact that there is about five second of screentime for a submarine that comes to rescue Lara and yet Graham McTavish is somehow credited as “submarine captain.” Funny.

What?! I mean, I’m obligated to mention the Jeep Rubicon product placement in the film because, along with I, Robot, it generated a lot of discussion at the time of where product placement was heading (namely towards significant funding of a film’s production). However, I also have to point out that apparently the actual orb from this film has been listed for auction! So we could have an actual MacGuffin in our possession for the low price of *check price* nevermind.

Where?!  Oh, we’re a-globetrottin’. We start in Greece, head to Lara’s home in England, free Terry from prison in Kazakhstan(!),  and then set out for a long period of time in China before finishing in Tanzania. Despite the climax being in Tanzania, I think I’d have to say this is primarily a China film given the stretch of time spent there. Pretty great as a “road-trip” style settings film. B+ bordering on A- given the necessity of a few of the locations.

When?! Went back through the film and unfortunately there is no clear mention or hint at when this takes place. There is a Chinese newspaper shown at one point, so I’ll start learning Mandarin and report back on whether that sheds some light. Until then, F.

I was fully ready to say that this film was not that bad and even had a whole thing about how films of the early 2000s like this one set the stage for where the Fast and Furious franchise has taken things. It’s actually pretty fun how most of the film is just a series of extreme sports stunts mixed with classic James Bond spy shit and Indana Jones (with a bunch of jokes thrown in there). It’s like they started looking at these films and were like “well we can’t just keep on doing stunts and jokes, right?” and eventually they realized that they could. Unfortunately, the end of this film exists and it is complete garbage. Somehow they ruin the film in about ten minutes with some of the most ludicrous logic I’ve ever seen put to screen. I mean… Gerard Butler actually seems to think he can sell an unstoppable plague and everything will turn out OK for him. Oh well, it was fun while it lasted. As for DOA, it is everything it’s advertised as. Shameless lingering shots of particular aspects of the female actor’s bodies combined with almost cartoony action scenes. Some of those are fun and Jamie Pressley is actually pretty good in it (she clearly trained like a champ for this and actually looks like a fighter), but that’s more or less the positives. A lot more negatives, most notable the acting and the fact that the latter half of the film is just Eric Roberts wearing “super sunglasses” fighting people. Patrick? 

Patrick

‘Ello everyone! If this was my movie I would call it Lara Croft: Tomb Raider: Pandora’s Plague Box (ft. Gerard Butler). That sounds like the song of the summah to me folks. Let’s get into it!

P’s View on the Preview – Back in the day we used to not do our homework. For shame! So sometimes there is some BMT flotsam to rescue from the BMT ocean. And Cradle of Life fits the bill. The original I remember being somewhat silly … but what did I think at the time? Turns out I thought it was pretty good, and possibly the best video game film we’d seen! That is promising, because the preview suggests the sequel was actually more well received than that original film. What were my expectations? Honestly a good time. I liked the original well enough, and it feels doubtful that a film that was more critically acclaimed could actually be worse. I also expected Gerard Butler to be a terrible actor.

The Good – The film itself is indeed rather entertaining. It tickles the exact spot you’d hope it would tickle: hey, what if they crossed James Bond and Indiana Jones. And the film felt like a perfect mix of Die Another Day and the fourth Indiana Jones film. What? Those films aren’t that bad! They are slightly better than the typical BMT standard. Angelina is really good in the film as well.

The Bad – Gerard is indeed not great, and neither is the bad buy, complete with James Bond-esque introduction on a plane involving henchmen and Ebola. Ultimately the entire film kind of falls apart in the last act. They needed something for the Cradle of Life, but Pandora’s Box complete with a pool of Pandora’s acidic tears? No thanks, that is a step too far. The CGI is still pretty bad.

The BMT – It is too bad they didn’t make a third of these films. I feel like after two valiant attempts they could have really managed a stinker of a film. Instead we got two kind of above average video game films. I’m not sure, but I think I liked the first one better, at least there you could psych yourself into some solid National Treasure Voight vibes. Here you just have Gerard Butler. And I’ve seen too many Gerard Butler films to appreciate him at this point. Did it meet my expectations? Yeah, it was basically a good time with some poorly acted scenes by Gerard Butler. I wish it had either gone overboard earlier (and gone full BMT), or later (and been Not That Bad), but instead we basically just got the first one again.

Roast-radamus – I’m going to throw out a tentative (Who?) for Q Conundrum, whereby every spy needs their Q, and in this case Lara Croft has *checks notes* Bryce. There is a decent Product Placement (What?) for the Jeep Rubicon which ends up becoming the star of the film once the gang arrives in Tanzania. I think I can throw out a good Setting as a Character (Where?) for China in particular, complete with terracotta warriors. But booooooooy howdy was there a MacGuffin (Why?), the Cradle of Life complete with Pandora’s plague sitting in a pool of acid tears. Natch. Let’s just throw that in a cave where physics doesn’t apply and be done with it! And definitely a Worst Twist (How?) for Gerard somehow being the most greedy and craven person in the world. A mercenary willing to sell a horrific world ending plague for money. What are you going to even do with that Gerard … the world will be all plagued! You’ll probably die! It’s absurd. Outside shot at Good although I highly doubt it.

StreetCreditReport.com – I can’t find a single list here, but it gets most of its cred from (1) being a video game adaptation, and (2) being a sequel to a video game adaptation. I do think this could be on some list of terrible Greek myth films, which is fun. And It is probably one of the worst action-adventure archeologist films as well. Decent cred there if you go looking for it.

You Just Got Schooled – Hmmmmm what could I possible put here. Oh wait, there was a remake just last year with Tomb Raider! I would say that Vikander is quite good in the film, as is Dominic West. The first half of the film is quite good, with a dispirited Lara fighting and biking her way through some serious depression. I liked those parts best. Once we get into the real mystery things just kind of become boring. I liked the ultimate twist (the eeeeeevil Japanese queen actually was just an asymptomatic carrier of a plague who killed herself to save her people) was really good and I liked the more down to earth mystery of that bit. I’m not sure if a sequel would end up being good or bad though. Usually I would say that getting out from under the origin story means a sequel can be its own thing. But the origin bits in London were by far the most interesting bits to me, so I’m not sure if that means a sequel would almost inevitably be worse. I guess we’ll just have to wait and see. B+ adaptation I think, better than the two originals, but not by as much as you would hope.

Bring a Friend Analysis – And as a friend we brought another video game adaptation along in DOA: Dead or Alive. And holy shit is this a piece of shit. But you would have to know that going in. The most bizarre bit is just how big the film is. Over 40K votes on IMDb, a 26 notability (it really is an impressive cast), and a budget of $30 million according to reports. And yet it comes back to the US and barely gets released! The film makes you feel gross though. It was a different time (yada yada), but my god to they go out of their way to give you gratuitous butt and boob shots. It is distressing. And yet, you have a film that is basically led by five women, and at the very least Jaime Pressly seems pretty annoyed that it didn’t get a release (I’m sure when you get into that good of shape for a role to see it just die a slow death is pretty annoying). It isn’t the worst video game film I’ve seen, but it is close. B friend, pretty fun if you can see past the grossness.

Cheerios,

The Sklogs

The Island of Dr. Moreau Recap

Jamie

When UN negotiator Edward Douglas’ plane crashes in the Pacific he is rescued and taken to the reclusive Island of Dr. Moreau. He soon learns that Dr. Moreau has used his big ol’ brain to create an animal-human tribe that regards him as a god… but not for long. Can Edward escape the island (and purr-haps find love) before it’s too late? Find out in… The Island of Dr. Moreau.

How?! Edward Douglas is in for a house of horrors when his UN plane crashes in the Pacific on its way to peace negotiation. First, his fellow companions fight to the death over the lack of rations on their lifeboat (not ideal), then he gets picked up by a crazy scientist, Mongomery, who looks shockingly like Val Kilmer (crazy, right?), and finally when he is delivered to safety on an island he finds it occupied by horrific animal-human hybrids created by the obviously and completely crazy Dr. Moreau (not the best). Weirdly, Dr. Moreau seems like a comparably normal guy next to Montgomery, who spends his time preventing Edward’s rescue and partying with the animal monsters. From here the film descends into chaos as Edward vacillates between complete horror one moment to almost resignation the next, all while palling around with Dr. Moreau’s cat-human daughter Aissa. When the punishment of one of the animal-humans ends up in death, his hyena-hybrid friend is distraught and on inspection of his corpse discovers the source of their control by Dr. Moreau. He is able to remove it from his own body and thus begins a mutiny against Dr. Moreau. Confronting him in his house they question their own creation at his hands and then subsequent relegation to their distant village. When Dr. Moreau attempts to resort again to punishment they kill him and take over the compound. Montgomery at first attempts to stop them, but then eventually destroys the serum that prevents them from going full animal and implants himself as the god. But the hyena-hybrid is having none of that and has him and Aissa killed and Edward brought to him. Edward is able to trick the animal-humans into fighting amongst themselves, which results in the deaths of the aggressors. The remaining animal-humans let Edward leave on a boat so they can live in peace. THE END. Big Question: Who hurt this film most, Val Kilmer or Marlon Brando (hint: Kilmer).

Why?! Wow, this is certainly an interesting question. Edward is mostly motivated by escape, but he seems incredibly relaxed throughout the film given what is happening. The only explanation is that he is a UN peace negotiator, so perhaps there is a moment where he realizes his only chance of survival is to use his skillz. That probably entails being calm and collected despite any level of pressure. Montgomery and Moreau are just insane and motivated by their own egomania and delusion.

Who?! I feel like every once in a while we make a discovery in one of these categories that I didn’t even know was possible. When they show that Dr. Moreau won a Nobel Prize all of a sudden I’m like, “wait, how many fake Nobel Prize winners have we seen in BMT before?” Well here’s to our first and hopefully not our last (the next will come sooner than you think).

What?! I’m shocked to see that there isn’t a crazy number of props available from this film. I can only find one measly piece of Ron Perlman’s staff, and that ain’t no fun. I literally want a full Dr. Moreau costume and apparently no amount of money can accomplish that for me. Harumph.

Where?! We are on some random island in the Pacific. Presumably it’s under no real jurisdiction considering it’s only inhabited by Dr. Moreau, Montgomery, and their creations. This will almost certainly hold the spot for “Unknown Location in the Pacific” for some future mapl.de.map. I give it a B even though it’s unnamed. They are pretty clear we’re on Dr. Moreau’s island.

When?! Now this was interesting. It’ll end up coming in at a C- at best, but on wikipedia they claim the film takes place in 2010. Which is just bizarre because it is not made clear in any which way. I suspected this was from some version of the script, as this film is a super famous disaster so people would have interest in reading original scripts, and Patrick found one. Weirdly this script actually says the film took place in 2007, but that the story is being recounted in 2010. And yet there it is on Wikipedia.

I’m fairly certain that without Kilmer and some obvious and unnecessary Producer meddling, this film could have been a success. The costumes are pretty incredible and the (original) director, Richard Stanley, certainly had a vision that he set up and then almost immediately couldn’t put to screen. Watching the documentary about the film, it seemed like the producers panicked after Brando took a shine to Stanley and began the process of destroying the film. Once he was fired you get the sense that they just wanted to finish the film ASAP and as a result it’s just a super rushed mess of a narrative. They also don’t really take advantage of Brando, who is off the wall, but in a way that could have been interesting if used better. Same for Kilmer, except he seems the more destructive of the two given his role in the film. David Thewlis just seems sad to be there. Patrick?

Patrick

‘Ello everyone! If I made this movie I would call it The Island of Dr. Moreau … because it is based on a book. What else could I call it? The Island of Creepy Half-Animal People? I guess that does explain what it is about a bit better. Whatever, Let’s get into it!

P’s View on the Preview – I had definitely seen this film before, but all I could really remember was being supremely creeped out by the animal people … which was probably the point. Other than that, Marlon Brando’s performance is legendary, although prior to this viewing I didn’t quite realize that Val Kilmer was considered the real problem actor on set. Makes sense his career started to tumble in the 2000s. What were my expectations? Off the wall b-b-b-b-bonker shit. That’s about it, this is considered one of the more confounding and strange bad movies ever made. So much so, they made a whole documentary about the making of the film.

The Good – The film has a lot of interesting ideas, as do most adaptations of The Island of Dr. Moreau (obviously). They transition quite seamlessly from the original concept of the book (something like a elixir that allows transitions between animals and humans … a very pre-genetics idea) to the much more scientifically motivated animal-human hybrid idea (which reeks of eugenics debates essentially). The adaptation doesn’t really suffer from the modernization of ideas, it is just that the movie around it is a complete mess. 

The Bad – Val Kilmer and Marlon Brando are competing on who can chew up the scenery faster. The animal costumes are so disturbing (especially in the odd shanty town set) that it makes the film almost impossible to enjoy. The film devolves into darkness so quickly that in the back half it is almost impossible to see what is really happening or where anyone is. Ultimately the film sinks under the weight of the botched production, a mishmash of ideas all spliced together in some gross adaptation-original hybrid … man I wish I was a reviewer in 1996, that is a bomb closing line for a review.

The BMT – It’s a classic for a reason. This is likely one of the quintessential troubled production bad movies. Brando’s performance is a legend, and it is the peak of managing to try both practical (the costuming) and CGI (… some disturbing shots of the animals jumping around) and getting both profoundly incorrect. It is actually a little better than you might think though, just because the ideas themselves are solid. If not for the production difficulties it might have met some mixed reviews. Did it meet my expectations? Certainly. It was b-b-b-b-bonkers shit, and is a confounding and strange bad movie. I was surprised at how much sense it made though, that made it all the more pleasant to watch.

Roast-radamus – Oddly this film gets almost no award consideration. There is no product placement, there is no secret holiday or coherent setting. No one really has a direct and clear motivation even (!). I’ll give it a small Worst Twist (How?) for the obvious combo-twist of Thewlis finding out he was brought to the island intentionally so that his genetic code could be used, and the obvious and inevitable reveal that Fairuza Balk is part cat. It is going to get closest to BMT in the end as a supremely entertaining bad movie.

StreetCreditReport.com – This film came out in a month that has been written about as one of the worst ever … well it has by another blog. Surprisingly, Siskel and Ebert didn’t put it in their worst ten of 1996. But when you have a documentary made about how troubled the production is that is credit enough. This could very well be the worst animal-human creepfest ever … wait, nope, we just watched Cats didn’t we? So this could be the second creepiest animal-human hybrid film.

You Just Got Schooled – For this I had a few choices. I could read the book, but I already had at some point, plus it takes too long. I could have watched one of the original old adaptations, but those would be hard to find. There is also a making of documentary, but I didn’t want to watch that before watching the actual film. So naturally I went for the 1977 adaptation with Burt Lancaster as Dr. Moreau, and Michael York (whom you might know as Basil from the Austin Powers series) in the lead role. The film is quite good, if very old fashioned for the time. With Close Encounters and Star Wars coming out the same year, this film comes across as more of a 60s film than anything else. The ideas are excellent though, and it was interesting to watch both adaptations back to back. I’m convinced at least two sets in the 1996 film are homages to the 1977 film (the staircase up to Thewlis’ room, and a creek looking out to the ocean near where Thewlis arrives on the island). Being able to possibly recognize that makes watching the film worthwhile. B- adaptation of the story. Closer to the original vision, but old-fashioned and thus a bit boring for modern tastes.

Cheerios,

The Sklogs

Along Came a Spider Recap

Jamie

Alex Cross is back, Jack! And boy is he damaged. When a psycho kidnaps a Senator’s daughter, Cross is shocked to find the maniac communicating directly with him. Can he and his definitely-not-a-bad-guy secret service helper stop the baddie and rescue the girl before it’s too late? Find out in… Along Came a Spider.

How?! Alex Cross is stinging from the death of his partner in an undercover operation gone wrong. But when a prominent politician’s daughter is swiped from a high security school by a teacher, Gary Soneji, who seems to have meticulously planned out the crime years in advance he’s intrigued. He’s even more intrigued when the guy starts communicating with him and implies that he wants Cross to personally profile him for the historical record. Enter Alex Cross and his exquisite mind. He takes the school’s secret service agent, Jezzie, as his partner and together they start knocking down clues. “Why is that picture missing?” Cross asks! “Why take a measly Senator’s daughter and not some even more powerful person?” Jezzie chimes in! “Why does this maniac seem to just want fame?” Cross ponders. Oh how beautiful a mind he has… or should I say they! Because he and Jezzie together foil a second kidnapping and ruin Soneji’s day. With the plan ruined, Soneji (or is it?) demands a ransom and, through an intricate, wholly original plot whereby he forces Cross to run across D.C. answering a series of pay phones, is able to get millions of dollars in diamonds. At this point Cross is puzzled as the case doesn’t seem to have gone the way he thought. Even more puzzling is when a distraught Soneji shows up at Jezzie’s apartment and attempts to kill her resulting in Cross killing him. Realizing this doesn’t make sense Cross cracks Jezzie’s computer with his sumptuous mind and reveals that (what a twist!) Jezzie has been part of the plan. She and another secret service agent tailed Soneji, let him take the girl, foiled the other kidnapping, demanded ransom, and then stole the girl back. When Jezzie realizes that Cross’s mind is just too stunning, she runs to the hiding place to kill the girl. But Cross is too good and shows up and kills her and saves the girl. THE END. Big Question: Is Alex Cross’ mind a 10?

Why?! You have to applaud the adaptation because it does streamline the motivations whereas the book mixes Soneji up with all kinds of psychology stuff like split personalities. Here it’s simple: Soneji wants fame and considers himself the criminal of the century worthy of documentation by bestselling crime author Alex Cross. Jezzie on the other hand wants money and uses her position as a secret service agent to take advantage of Soneji’s plot for her own devices. Alex Cross just wants to solve the crime, his mind demands it.

Who?! At a certain point in the the hierarchy of the US government I have to cut my losses and not mention that we have an actor portraying the character. Senator Hank Rose seems to fit the bill. Even the characters in the movie are like “he’s not even that famous, why would anyone care to kidnap his children?” The only reason I even am mentioning him is that he is played by Michael Moriarty (aka Harry Potter, Sr. from the film Troll) and he appears to be quite kooky. He was kooky in Troll and he’s kooky here and I watched him in a film Full Fathom Five where he is also decidedly kooky. Always interesting to watch.

What?! Hey, anyone need a prop police badge from Along Came a Spider? No? Me neither. But speaking of props I did enjoy a cyberprop (just coined that) in this film. The kids in the elite D.C. school hide messages encoded in pictures, which they pass back and forth. Uncrackable unless you know the key that tells you where to look specifically in the data for the message. It’s a nice touch and actually seems believable.

Where?! This is a Washington D.C. special (honestly how an Alex Cross film should be). We get several prominent landmarks featured and the portrayal of a US Senator. Climax takes place in Northern Virginia. I would give this an A-, but the Tyler Perry Alex Cross film proved that they can really take Cross to a number of other cities and he settles in quite nicely. B+.

When?! I went back through and the closest we get is the dry erase board in the security area of the school that appears to have a note for the date 23/4/01. This would make some sense, but I’m thrown off by the apparent use of a European date notation. Regardless this is a D at best.

I found this one almost the reverse of Kiss the Girls. I thought Morgan Freeman sleepwalked through the film and Monica Potter was not particularly good. This was probably partially the fault of the script, which was pretty meandering. And that in turn might have been because the book itself was much much harder to adapt than Kiss the Girls. They did a pretty straight adaptation of that one, but in this case there was just no way. The book as written is unfilmable, so they had to do a lot of work to smooth everything out and it was smoothed into something slow and boring. Not a thrill and/or chill to be seen and an ending that is both nonsense and anticlimactic. The only good thing was that I felt like the director pretty deftly handled a twist in the middle of the film in order to obscure it from audiences who hadn’t read the source material. Somehow we had two Alex Cross films with nearly identical Rotten Tomatoes scores and I reacted totally differently to them. Interesting. I give it an upside down hand heart (aka The Butt). Patrick?

Patrick

‘Ello everyone! If I made this film I would have called it Along Came a Creepy Kidnapper. ‘Cause I’m scared of spiders. Let’s get into it!

P’s View on the Preview – Confusingly this film is the second in the series, whereas the book is the first in the long-running book series. The book is straight up b-b-b-b-b-bonkers (more on that later), but I had already seen the film back in the day before I realized it qualified for BMT. So the preview was me just kind of remembering that the film kind of sucked. What were my expectations? The further I get away from reading the book I wondered if I misremembered things a bit. The film is so far from the book that maybe things got muddled in that way … I don’t think so though, I bet the film is a mess.

The Good – Morgan Freeman is still pretty good as Alex Cross, although he seemed a bit less thrilled with the film. Seemed a bit bored. It is too bad he never got a chance to go at some of the later books which I assume eventually settled into something a bit less … weird. If you didn’t really expect a twist the twist at the very least kind of comes out of nowhere. The child actors do a shockingly good job.

The Bad – This movie is a mess. A complete mess. They botch the twist in the end. The two main villains (spoilees, one is Monica Potter, who seems like a good guy from most of the film) are terrible actors as well. It is a really bad adaptation of the book, but almost by necessity. You see … the book is insane. So when they adapted it they clearly had to cut half of it out and try and rebuild it from the ashes. It doesn’t work. The story makes no sense without the batshit insanity Patterson introduced with the main villain, because his motivations only make sense if his is batshit insane. It is a bizarre choice for a bizarre film. Small shoutout for them totally ripping off Dirty Harry with Alex Cross running around from payphone to payphone at the behest of the villain. Bold move.

The BMT –.I think this is one of those films where the book adaptation is so crazy that it makes it slightly more enjoyable … but it still isn’t good. I’ve seen the film twice … and I will do as much as possible to avoid seeing it a third time. Just not good or fun. Did it meet my expectations? Well I had already seen the film, and remembered not liking it and thinking it was dumb … nailed it. I remembered correctly.

Roast-radamus – Very small Setting as a Character (Where?) for Washington D.C. because the fact that high-level government children getting kidnapped is pivotal to the plot. Decent MacGuffin (Why?) … actually aren’t all kidnapping films centered around a MacGuffin? Interesting thought I’ve never considered before. And of course no bad thriller would be complete without a Worst Twist (How?) and this one is a doozy. Here is turns out the good guy is a bad guy, but then kills the other good guy (for no reason), and they are in a farm house … it makes no sense. It is fantastic. I’ll throw this into the Bad running early. I really disliked this film and just hated it.

StreetCreditReport.com – This is a lot closer to something that I can imagine entering some BMT pantheon. Maybe … worst book adaptations? I can’t really find any good lists from 2001, but the cred, as I said in the other recap, is just because of Alex Cross. Crazy pulpy detective series with a 100% BMT record? Yeah, we were going to do these eventually.

You Just Got Schooled – Ah, another book adaptation. This book is insane. It was the first Alex Cross film and I think Patterson didn’t really know what he wanted to do with it. It actually feels like multiple books smashed together. You have the kidnapper obsessed with the Lindbergh kidnapping … but then all of a sudden the kidnapper is a family man, who claims to have a multiple personality, and robs a McDonald’s, and then the Secret Service agent is involved, but Alex Cross is having a relationship with her, and one of the kids died! The multiple personality story is straight out of Primal Fear, which I had read just before this book. That probably didn’t help when I read it. It really did feel like a smash up of a cheap detective thriller with some early-90s legal drama (obsessed with split personalities obviously). The book is a C-, and somehow the adaptation is an F.

Cheerios,

The Sklogs

Kiss the Girls Recap

Jamie

Alex Cross is a psychologist/cop who specializes in understanding the criminal mind. When his niece is captured by a serial killer whose motives may not exactly be what they seem, it’s up to Alex to figure out his next move. Can he stop the killer and rescue his niece before it’s too late? Find out in… Kiss the Girls.

How?! Alex Cross, D.C. detective extraordinaire and part-time psychologist is the master of getting into the mind of a criminal. When he finds out that his niece has gone missing, along with a number of girls in the Durham, NC area, he will stop at nothing to solve the crime. He goes down there and is like “guess what, I’m now a part of this,” and the cops there are like “well yeah, duh, you’re Alex Cross, welcome aboard.” He gets all up in that investigation and things get pretty thrilling/chilling when the kidnapper, calling himself Cassanova, appears to communicate with Cross directly. When Dr. Kate McTiernan is kidnapped and subsequently escapes it becomes clear that the killer is collecting talented women and is keeping them alive as part of a fantasy harem he is building. From the drugs used on Kate they track down a doctor in LA that must be involved. Their sting goes disastrously awry, though, and things are looking pretty dire and the audience is like “how will Alex Cross recover?” but we all know how: he’s Alex Cross! He swiftly uses his beautiful mind to track down the general area of Casanova’s hideout and when he hears a gunshot is able to find and free the missing girls. The LA doctor, known as The Gentleman Caller, is killed, but Casanova escapes. While Cross is just chilling out waiting for a dinner date with Kate he realizes that Casanova is in fact one of the police officers working the case! He rushes to Kate’s house to find her having handcuffed Casanova to the stove and him threatening to blow the house up in a gas explosion. Cross again breaks out that gorgeous mind and shoots Casanova through a carton of milk, thus killing him and preventing the explosion. THE END. Big Question: This is just good, right?

Why?! Cross’ motivation is personal, as his niece is one of the kidnapped women. No need to go into more detail than that really. For Casanova and The Gentleman Caller, they get pretty deep into their motivations. Casanova considers himself a great lover and kidnaps and drugs talented women for his “harem” to live out his fantasy that he is irresistible and a man of great power. The Gentleman Caller is just a sadist really… so not as much thought for his character I guess. 

Who?! Interesting tidbit that Anna Maria Horsford went uncredited in the role of Vicki (Alex’s sister) in this film, but then reprised her role in Along Came a Spider and was credited in that. She basically had the same amount of screentime in each. Curious. Billy Blanks also made an appearance as Ashley Judd’s kickboxing instructor. He’s, of course, the inventor of Tae Bo.

What?! Sometimes when you’re watching a film that’s set in a particular place (especially when there is a good chance they actually filmed on location) you’ll see some funny product placement specific to the area. I always like to see local beers play a role in films. Here Alex Cross shoots Casanova in the climactic final scene through a Maola milk carton. You gotta run with that Maolo, get on the “Alex Cross’ Milk of Choice” ad campaign.

Where?! The beginning of the film takes place in D.C. and there is a small part in California, but otherwise all the action is in Durham, NC. Same as in the book. Interestingly there is a reason it does. Because of the Research Triangle in the area I think they were going for the idea that it would be a perfect place to pick up super talented women in a relatively small area. B+.

When?! I think this likely takes place in either April or May ‘96. They have a big wall that charts the disappearances of the girls. To the left is a series of calenders for January-May of 1996. Presumably this is the range over which the girls were kidnapped. Considering Alex Cross’ niece had just been the latest victim you presume that it’s somewhere near the end of that range. Although, weird that it seems so chilly in NC that time of year. C+.

I’ve realized that I have a soft spot for thrillers. Last year I raved about Mercury Rising and now I have to say… Kiss the Girls is closer to being just fine to being BMT. I thought Morgan Freeman and Ashley Judd were excellent. In particular I thought Judd should have been a bigger star from what I saw in this film. Sad given what has been revealed about that in recent years. The thriller itself had enough thrills and chills for me and I think its biggest error was being way too predictable and stumbling over some lazy red herrings. I can’t really tell whose fault that might have been. The director I guess, but it didn’t take away from the enjoyment of the film. So I give it the patented BMT hand heart of approval… you know, the classic rating system that fans of BMT have come to know and love. And for those that are wondering, yes I did think through the other hand symbols we’d have as part of the system. Turn that hand heart upside down and it turns into a butt for our “poo in the face” rating. For fun BMT films? Turn your hands into goggles through which we are watching the films in amazement. Everything we make up for BMT is the lamest possible thing and I’m very proud of this. Patrick?

Patrick

‘Ello everyone! If I made this film I would have changed the name to Smooch the Girls. ‘Cause Casanova be smooching. Let’s get into it!

P’s View on the Preview – I had read this book ages ago after we watched Alex Cross. Out of the two books I read this is by far the most adaptable, although it is still rather disturbing. I will say, I very much enjoy serial killer fiction, and this is very much that. The book wasn’t the greatest thing I’ve ever read, but the subject was definitely up my alley. I was excited to see Morgan Freeman in the role as well. What were my expectations? I expected it to just be kind of confusing. Those are pretty common issues for thrillers, and I can very much imagine that being the issue since, honestly, I found the book pretty confusing.

The Good – I actually liked this film to be honest. We’ll get to some of the issues, but Ashley Judd must have been a revelation in the late 90’s. She is so good in the film, and it is pretty crazy the film got such bad reviews when the main two actors are so good. I thought the setting was cool, a very good use of the Research Triangle of North Carolina. I’m glad they kept it there instead of trying to force it back to DC (which is where Cross tends to be based in the earlier novels). And it wasn’t nearly as confusing as I remembered the book being, because they resolve the Casanova / The Gentleman Caller confusion really quickly.

The Bad – They try and half-heartedly foist the actual twist from the book (in which the reader wonders right to the end which of the police detectives is in fact Casanova) into the film even though it is abundantly clear Carey Elwes is the only logical choice. The fact that the twist is so obvious is an issue, and one easily solved: just make the detective such a minor character you’d never think he’s the culprit. But nope, it’s the late-90s, so you have to get that big name for the bad guy. Dumb. The Gentleman Caller serial killer story is as bad as in the book. It is so unnecessary it kind of annoys you that they are drawing you away from Casanova who is the far better story of the two.

The BMT – Just because we are completing the Alex Cross franchise. That’s really the only real BMT cred its got. Otherwise it’ll end up being one of my favorite BMTs ever I suppose, just because of Judd’s performance which is genuinely quite good. Did it meet my expectations? No, but in a good way. This is a very good adaptation of a book that deals with difficult subject matter and is somewhat confusing as written. The film manages to deal with the difficult subject manner tactfully, and is considerably less confusing that the book I thought.

Roast-radamus – I think this is a decent Setting as a Character (Where?) for North Carolina, with the Research Triangle in particular playing a big role in the film. I’ll also give it a shoutout for Worst Twist (How?) for even daring the headfake the audience about Detective No Name being a legit potential Cassanova. And finally I think this has a decent shot at Good since at least I expect this will be my favorite thriller this year.

StreetCreditReport.com – I guess it shouldn’t be that surprising that this doesn’t have much cred in the media at the time. It isn’t that bad, and there wasn’t as much media coverage of bad films at the time. The cred comes from Alex Cross anyways, both the amazing Tyler Perry adaptation, and the fact that the books have been around for so long. It isn’t even close to the worst serial killer film. Hell, it’s the best Alex Cross film ever made!

You Just Got Schooled – As I said I read the book long ago, but I’ll try and remember as much as I can. I read Along Came a Spider first (I’ll save that review for that recap), but that really set up the character for me. This takes him out of DC and sends him to the South, and I remember being supremely confused about how they were splitting the story between Cassanova and The Gentleman Caller (the two killers in the film). They kind of wanted you to wonder if they were the same person, but it was obvious that they weren’t. And then the twist of which detective was the killer was weak because … I mean, who cares? So yeah, the book was a bit more confusing and leaned into the lame twists a bit too much. These types of books are also terribly written … as I said, somehow the film is loads better than the book. C+.

Cheerios,

The Sklogs

A Walk to Remember Recap

Jamie

Landon Carter is just your typical teenage rebel. When he gets in trouble for a prank gone awry, he is forced to join the school play with Jamie Sullivan. She’s a good girl and Landon would NEVER fall in love with her. So can he fall in love with her and overcome the secret reason why he shouldn’t fall in love with her before it’s too late? Find out in… A Walk to Remember.

How?! Landon Carter is a teenybopper rapscallion who, along with his scallywag friends, gets in trouble for the literal definition of peer pressure… like… he gets a dude to jump off a bridge by pretending like he’s going to do it too. Pretty on the nose. Anyway, the school is like “you rascal, you now have to volunteer teach and participate in the school play,” and Landon is like, “pffft, whatever. Definitely won’t fall in love with a total nerd.” But then he sees Jamie Sullivan and she’s a total nerd but also… intriguing. But still, definitely NOT falling in love with her. However, realizing that he’s probably going to totally bomb the play he asks Jamie to help him out. Through this process they strike up a friendship and they totally own the play, but afterwards go their separate ways. That is until Landon’s so-called friends play a prank on her and he’s like “yo, not cool and also she’s my girlfriend and I love her.” The audience is confused but thrilled as we get to watch young love blossom over fancy dinner dates and dancing. But Jamie is always on guard and we soon find out why. She’s dying from cancer and the audience rends their clothes in despair. But Landon isn’t ready to give up yet. He still totally is in love and they keep on dating and making her dreams come true in the short time they have. Realizing the profound change in his life he decides that despite her imminent death he wants to marry Jamie and despite the misgivings of their parents they do and boy oh boy, let me tell you, it’s… a walk… to remember. In fact, I’m remembering it right now and it’s beautiful. We then find out that after her death the once wayward Landon is now studying to become a doctor and likely cures cancer in the future. THE END. Big Question: Would the story have been less profound if they didn’t get married? Just wondering how much the marriage itself factors into the story.

Why?! Love… oh, you probably want me to say more. Well, I think Jamie always realized that Landon was really nice (and very handsome *wolf whistle*), but through a combination of peer pressure and difficulties with his parent’s divorce was straying from the straight and narrow. So I think she kinda knew that if they hung out that side would come out and they would fall in love. So still, love all the way.

Who?! Mandy Moore is the star and at the time was a pretty big pop star. Not like Britney, bitch. But like a bench player on the all-pop star team. There were also a couple “In memory of” credits at the end of the film. These went to Nicholas Sparks’ sister, who was the inspiration for the book, and Jimmy Everest, who was a child who died of bone cancer and whose memorial helped establish the University of Oklahoma’s pediatric cancer center.

What?! A bunch of places mentioned how crazy the product placement in this film was and I was like “what?” but then I was reminded that there is pretty much a full-blown commercial for the Star Registry in the middle of the film (you can name your own star!). And this came just a mere three years after they were forced to stop claiming that you were buying the official naming of a star… so it’s officially unofficial. That is pretty good.

Where?! I mean… it’s Nicholas Sparks. Where else but North Carolina. But also like most of his books it’s not necessary, just made very clear. So like a B or B+. Obviously this film could also have taken place on Martha’s Vineyard… starring me. Obviously. Also, interestingly this film features a scene with a “Welcome to Virginia” highway sign. Add that to the list.

When?! Now if you thought the product placement was great for this film, wait until you get a load of the temporal setting. Eventually the film revolves around Jamie having all of her dreams come true thanks to Landon. This includes seeing a once-in-a-lifetime comet. What comet? Well she specifically mentions it’s the Comet Hyakutake… which was visible in Spring 1996. Interestingly she wouldn’t have needed a telescope to see that comet… it was very bright and visible to the naked eye. But yeah, I’m gonna give that an A. Somehow the exact time of the film is relevant to the plot.

The film is fine, but eventually gets quite weird. It’s all very saccharine, so if you’re into high schoolers falling deeply, madly and/or truly in love and marrying despite imminent death from cancer then this will do nicely. If you aren’t looking for that then it’s a tough watch. The big critique is how much time they spend on the front half of the film (sometimes even on trivial things) only to put the pedal to the metal as Landon goes from scoffing at Jamie in the hallway, to holding her head in his hands and asking “baby, are you all right?” in what feels like five second. It’s pretty jarring, but still less jarring than them getting married just moments later. The book does a better job with the pacing and as a result is probably more successful. But still… it’s OK. We all need a little sweetness every once in a while. Patrick?

Patrick

‘Ello everyone! Oh man, that walk. You know what? That was a walk that I’m going to remember, that’s how good that walk was. Let’s get into it!

P’s View on the Preview – This was a long time coming. We almost audibled to Sex in the City 2, but then it just felt right. It had been so long since we had done a Nicholas Sparks film, and this is the true OG Nicholas Sparks film. I was a bit surprised to learn that the leading man is also somewhat musically inclined. I was not surprised after watching it to learn they didn’t let him sing in the film. What are my expectations? A whole lotta schlock. What I want is Midnight Sun. Someone has to be a terrible actor, and I want to tear up and think “Peter Coyote, you done right, don’t you feel bad.” If I don’t get that I’ll be disappointed.

The Good – I thought Mandy Moore did a decent job. If I knew nothing about her I wouldn’t have thought it was a singer-turned-actor, she held her own amongst the rest of the young cast. The film is mostly just syrupy sweetness, which often is enough to get me through a teen drama. The first hour is quite good in that regard. We get to learn who Landon is, see him change and start dating Jamie, ah young love. Then they gut-punch you, but that isn’t always a bad thing either.

The Bad – I did not like the weird pacing they chose for the adaptation. The relationship is building for about an hour, and then in order to connect the dots to the ending they kind of just have to fast forward months into the relationship. It makes the whole flow of the end of the film seem off. I don’t want to get into it too much, but having the two 18 year old lead characters get married at the end is very old fashioned. It dates the movie to a different time in America. And the play-within-a-movie was objectively awful and everyone should feel bad about that storyline.

The BMT – Of course, all Nicholas Sparks novels are going to inevitably result in BMT glory. This had to be done, so from that perspective it is obviously BMT. The issue is probably that this is one of the better Sparks films in the end. Like, you couldn’t even throw us one ghost wife? Not even a single one? That’ll ultimately sink it in my estimation. Did it meet my expectations? Nope. Neither of the leads were amusingly terrible at acting. They were both serviceable, and their relationship was earned and very sweet. And then, I felt nothing for Peter Coyote when his terminally ill daughter died. Sorry. It is probably his dour preacher demeanor that turned me off, whereas Rob Riggle in Midnight Sun was a constant amusing delight. So take some notes Sparks, your father figures should have an irreverent sense of humor. Just a tip.

Roast-radamus – There isn’t a Planchet, but there is a frenemy with a ‘tude named Dean. I mean, we don’t award things for that, but still, it is important to consider awards for sheer ‘tudeness. I’ll definitely allow for Setting as a Character (Where?) for North Carolina, they even filmed on the Dawson’s Creek set. And lob over an easy Worst Twist (How?) for the now-classic tragic-death-of-the-leading-lady-for-romance. I think this has a chance for a Good nomination at the end of the year, but it is highly dependant on how many films we think could get that designation.

StreetCreditReport.com – Not surprisingly this film got very little play in 2002. It might have just been floating in that fine-but-too-sweet area such that it really wasn’t the worst. Or 2002 was a particularly “good” year for bad movies. Whatever the case, the cred mostly comes from Sparks anyways who managed to mostly tarnish his reputation as a writer for a whole group of people who would never be interested in his books by releasing terrible adaptations for a decade. That’s it though, it is all Sparks.

You Just Got Schooled – Jamie (me, not Sullivan) jumping in because, guess what? I totally read this book. Don’t worry, it’s pretty short. Anyway, it’s a very sweet book, which focuses much more on the spiritual and religious aspects of Jamie’s (and eventually Landon’s) life. It also takes place in the 50’s and is told from Landon’s point of view decades later. Both these aspects make the pacing of their relationship and their eventual marriage much more logical. There is also a lot more discussion about their choices in the book, so the film feels like it hits hyperspeed at a certain point as they jump from not dating at all to marriage in a relatively short time frame. Besides that though I think it’s a pleasant enough adaptation of a pleasant enough book. Do I recommend it? No… why would you read this?

Cheerios,

The Sklogs