Patrick

Amityville 3-D Recap

Jamie

Franchise Man checking in! Amityville Horror? More like Amityville Snooze-a-thon. And I’m not saying that because most of the series is terrible, but more because where is the lore?! You had three dang movies to get your lore sorted and instead you mill about trying to decide what the deal with the house is. Every film seems different. Is it a possessed house? Is it a haunted house? Is the demon’s lair behind a fireplace, in a crawl space, or in a well? Does it look like an alien arm? Is it a pig with red eyes? It’s like an inverse Child’s Play, which just remade the same film three times. What is a Franchise Man supposed to do with this shit? Now this isn’t the first time this has happened. Friday the 13th really didn’t get settled till the third (also a 3D entry), but it at least got settled at that point with a serviceable entry. From there it was off and running. This? This is merde (excuse my French).

To recap, John and Melanie are journalists who expose con artists. The latest con they uncover involves the Amityville house. Having found that the whole thing was a ruse, John is convinced to purchase the house himself (what could go wrong?! It’s a steal!). Soon after the real estate agent is found dead in the house. John convinces himself things are fine. Totally fine. Just fine. I SAID IT’S FINE! Melanie is less convinced. Particularly after both she and John are nearly killed in freak accidents. After a terrifying night where she is tormented by the house while John is away, she digs deep into photographs she has taken of the house. Uh oh! Looks like one of them has a little alium looking thingy on it that definitely doesn’t look totally stupid and fake. She rushes to show John this not stupid and not fake looking thing and is killed in a horrific car accident. Later, John’s daughter is home alone and decides to play with a ouija board with some friends. Despite the warnings of the board she then goes out on their motorboat and drowns. John’s estranged wife becomes convinced that their daughter is still alive, but John is like… pretty sure. He saw the body and everything. No need to open the casket and risk the head flying out. To try to help his wife, John brings in a team of paranormal investigators who get a bit more than they bargained for. In the well in the basement a portal to hell opens up and demons and acid and all kinds of shit start flying out. John and a few others manage to escape before the whole house implodes and basically that’s kind of it. THE END (or is it? (Ehhhh… kind of)).

Ha! This is dog shit. Like really, really bad. A franchise killer. It’s not even that nothing works. Meg Ryan is good. It didn’t pull the punch on killing people and setting the stakes correctly. Some of the tension and effects here and there were alright. You just can’t get over how stupid the effects for the demon are. Unrecoverable. Not to mention the fact that in this version of the story the house has unlimited range. It’s fucking with people in Manhattan and stuff. Absurd. Candy Clark is also surprisingly very bad in this. You can point to the material for that, I guess. She just doesn’t seem to have the aptitude for a scream queen and never sells any of the stupid lines she has to say. It is too bad that this essentially relegated the series to direct-to-video schlock. Something I would have liked to have seen was a take on the story where the town is in on it. They basically cover up for the house to convince families to move in. Eventually it’s revealed that the town worships the demon in the basement and is feeding it families. You can have fun with this. It’s not against the rules. As for Joysticks, I watched part of this years ago while on the treadmill and found it quite unpleasant. That unpleasantness continued on a complete viewing. The characters are gross cartoons. That’s actually the fun of watching these movies. Like… how is it that Joysticks was made by a whole group of people who looked at it and thought, “Yeah, this is good. This is funny.” It’s interesting. Then once in a while you find a Ski School where the broken clock is right and they actually hit the right note.

Hot Take Clam Bake! I’m actually half convinced that the character of John actually bought the house in order to run his own con. That after years of uncovering cons he figured he knew enough to create an unbreakable con. It would in part explain why he appears totally oblivious to everyone freaking out around him. He thinks the con is working. He put this little alien in a photo and is like “looks great and not fake,” and sure his partner dies rushing to show it to him, but that means it worked, right? And sure he daughter dies in a freak accident while unsafely motoring around the water by his house, but it adds to the lore. Yeah, don’t worry honey, it’ll all be worth it when we get these paranormal investigators in here and they get a load of the crazy contraption I set up in the well in the base… oops! My contraption sucked the house into the ground and killed numerous people. Let’s just walk away and pretend this was all real. Hot Take Temperature: Fiery basement well.

Patrick?

Patrick

‘Ello everyone! *Gif of me popping out of a well, but I’m maybe a lizard person, or possibly a Sleestack … are there Sleestacks in Amityville?* Let’s go!

The Good? I kind of dug the very 80s B story of a guy being kind of a piece of shit to his family and buying a haunted house so that he can make the big bucks no matter who he hurts. Meg Ryan was, not surprisingly, quite good. Genuinely, it is no surprise she would end up being a star shortly after.

The Bad? Obviously the Sleestack at the end was absurd. And basically everything you could say is good in the film could also be construed as bad. Cheesy 80s sets, relatively bad 80s acting, silly 80s story.

The BMT? Yeah I think so, but mainly because of the absolute absurdity of it all. The bottomless well, the Sleestack, the hoax thing running throughout the film, how crazy he is for buying the haunted house to live in in the first place. It is just nuts enough to work.

Ah, another 80s T&A comedy, I’m sure this one is just as good as Meatballs III. This one is called Joysticks and is all about an arcade and making sure eeeeevil politicians / businessmen can’t shut them down. The movie is kind of funny, in a tongue-in-cheek way. Like, the whole business with the main super-cool guy who can’t play video games anymore because of a past trauma. And then he gets over it to win the big day. It is fun. But also the film is kind of weird and gross and makes me feel a little gross as well. So I think I’m going to bump it down to a standard B in the end.

For this installment of AI corner I did the same thing as above, except at the end I asked it to summarize it all as a single ten keyword list:

Horror, Amityville, Haunted House, Supernatural, Demons, 3D, Death, Investigation, Curse, Skepticism

It is actually a little weird. Initially it kept on cheating to add more keywords, e.g. giving back “Evil/Demon” which is just two keywords mashed together. When I asked it to restrict itself to a single word or phrase it conspicuously had “House” which is obviously supposed to be “Haunted House” but it was only outputting single word keywords. Finally I told it just not to use “/”. Even then it pluralized “Demons” which was singular in the other attempts, and “3D” lost its hyphen which maybe had to do with me insisting on not having a slash.

In the end isn’t this the main issue as AI as a summarizer? My vague and terrible prompt is “code”. It is not reproducible in the first place because these models tend to do a consensus with restricted and stochastic backing resources, but also even minor changes to the prompt changed the order and structure of the list wildly. So ultimately, to run an analysis the prompt must be included, but even then you have to just trust that outside of false positives (see the Red Scorpion analysis), there is still an issue with it just being very unknowably random.

Again, A+ Setting Alert (Where?) for Amityville, New York. And you know what? No worst twist here. I actually liked the twist in the end whereby the daughter just dies and is released. Oh the Skeestack? That was weird as fuck, but that doesn’t have much to do with the film. Beyond that that one moment I think takes this film from a normal run of the mill horror film, to a true blue 80s small time weirdo horror film, and I kind of dig it, BMT.

Read all about Sleestacks, probably, in the Quiz. Cheerios,

The Sklogs

Amityville II: The Possession Recap

Jamie

I’m going to put this right out there, I do not care for The Amityville Horror. The first half hour is fine and has some nice creepy stuff, but unlike Friday the 13th (which always knew what it was), this devolves over the course of 2 hours into a bunch of Stephen King/haunted house/exorcist retreads. Friday the 13th was giving people what they wanted in the slasher genre. Amityville doesn’t know what it’s serving up. Like is the house haunted? If you watched it you would be tempted to say yes. There appears to be a ghost in the house. But it’s not. It’s possessed by a demon… so the demon is pretending to be a ghost? And it just goes on and on and on like this for a full 2 hours. It’s bad. Just a bad movie that spawned a bunch of other bad movies I guess.

To recap, in a prequel to the first film (I think, it’s never made totally clear), the Montelli family moves into our fateful house. The head of the household is played by Burt Young and is a total maniac (Burt Young? A maniac? I’m shocked). Everyone is terrified of him because he is a loose cannon. As the demonic presence in the house pulls pranks like a little stinker, Burt Young just goes about blaming and beating his children for it. His wife tries to get a Priest to intervene but Burt Young is like “you wanna piece of this Father?” When choosing who to possess, the house appears to take one look at Burt Young and is like “No thanks,” and inhabits the eldest son, Sonny, instead. Thinks then get crazy. And I mean, like, real crazy. I’m talking Sonny seducing his sister kind of crazy… it’s crazy. He further falls prey to the demon and when it demands that he kill his family he obliges. The next day he is arrested and the priest is convinced that Sonny needs an exorcism. He breaks Sonny out of jail and eventually is able to perform the exorcism at the house. Sonny is taken back into custody, but at least free of the demon, who, it’s implied, has transferred to the priest. THE END (or is it? (Ha!))

Yeah, so this is a good movie. In terms of the craziness of a demonic possession this is on par with The Exorcist where there were several moments where I was like “woah!” and got a bit of a queasy feeling. It did not pull punches and knew exactly what it was up to. From start to finish the family at the center of it is in an upsetting position. Even before the possession, which I think it meant to convey the idea that a place like Amityville draws people like that to it. They are vulnerable to possession because of the sadness and anger and then the demon corrupts the remaining aspects of their lives so love and happiness are blotted out. It really is an upsetting film with not even a glimmer of a happy ending. So I give it credit. Hard for me to remember another case where a poorly reviewed sequel is so clearly superior to the original in almost every way. Like head and shoulders better.

Hot Take Clam Bake! Are we sure that house is possessed before Burt Young gets there? I’m not saying Burt Young is a demon, but I’m also not not saying it. Probably some force was simply inhabiting the house and was like “Oh, cool. A new family is here. I sure do hope they are kind and take care of this home we will share.” And then it took one look at Burt Young and was like “uh oh… I mean… I do have the possibility of stopping this maniac.” From there things spiralled a little out of control. Like in the remake of Nightmare on Elm Street it turns out that the possessed house was just misunderstood the whole time. Perhaps the house was really the hero we never knew we needed. Awwwww. Hot Take Temperature: A glowy pit under the basement.

Patrick?

Patrick

‘Ello everyone! *gif of me slowing getting covered in more and more flies, but unlike the movie it doesn’t seem to bother me which is somehow more scary* Let’s go!

The good? I always dig the look of older films like this because it feels like they were channeling a bit of the 60s and 70s directly into the 80s and trying to hold onto that small budget magic that existed at the time. I love Burt Young, even though this is full blown drunk Burt Young and he’s a monster in the film.

The bad? I could have done without the incest storyline. That was gross and dumb. I also didn’t think the movie read very well as a prequel. I legit did not remember it was a prequel until I started doing this recap even. The main issue is that the murderer in the first film was named DeFeo (who was a real person), but they obviously changed it for the second, but then was there a DeFeo? It is unclear.

The BMT? No, not really. The main issue if I’m being frank is that there are two films here, and the third one is weirder and wilder and much more fun. So it kind of nixes this as a BMT classic. Mostly it feels lazy, gross, and bad. So no, not very BMT.

I have an idea on how to maybe do keyword extraction in BMT, but there are a lot of tests I would like to run on it first. I figured and interesting bit though would be to look at multiple available sources:

Poster: Horror, Possession, Family, Fleeing, Nightmare, House, Evil, Amityville, Supernatural, Tragedy

Trailer: Horror, Supernatural, Possession, Haunted House, Amityville, Family, Paranormal, Demonic, Evil, Tragedy

Trailer (No Sound): Horror, Amityville, Possession, Haunted House, Paranormal, Family, Supernatural, Demonic, Thriller, 1980s

Wikipedia page: Possession, Horror, Familicide, Incest, Exorcism, Demonic, Violence, Abuse, Murder, Supernatural

IMDb Trivia: Incest, Nudity, Awkward, Horror, Sequel, Paranormal, Lawsuit, DeFeo, Replica, Debut

IMDb Reviews: Possession, Haunted House, Incest, Murder, Evil, Religion/Priest, Horror, Family, Violence, Prequel

The ones with actual text tended to identify specific plot points (incest being the big one), and the media was fairly mundane. Demonic, Supernatural, Possession, Haunted House, and Incest would be the five I would pick out as “intriguing and description”.

There is an A+ Setting Alert (Where?) for Amityville, New York, which seems to be somewhere in Long Island, although that’s where the real one is, they don’t get too specific in the movie. Worst Twist (How?) for the useless reveal that the priest is now possessed. That doesn’t come back at all in any of the first three films, so what is the point? This one is Bad, it is weird and gross and off-putting in general, and specifically is pretty boring with nothing to say ro add to the exorcism genre or the first film.

Read about haunted houses or something in the Quiz. Cheerios,

The Sklogs

Amityville 3-D Quiz

Amityville 3-D? 3-D, demons, talk to me people! Let’s go!

Pop Quiz Hot Shot!

1) In the movie the kids play with a Ouija Board they find in the attic of the spooooky house. Where does the name Ouija come from?

2) Tony Roberts is the main character in the film. His last film role was as the character Max Kellerman, the operator of an upscale Catskills resort, in a television remake of a famous film. What film?

3) Siskel and Ebert covered Amityville 3-D in an episode also covering a boxing film starring Dennis Quaid. C’mon, Dennis Quaid. Boxing film. 1983. What is it?

4) A very young Meg Ryan is in the film. Afterwards she would spend several years on As the World Turns, but then would break out in what 1986 action packed film?

5) Part of the film was filmed in Mexico City (interiors mostly). Mexico City is the 5th largest metropolitan area in the world, behind Tokyo, Delhi, Shanghai, and what South American city?

Bonus NYTimes Listing Question: Oh what a twist, look at this guy:

That is Amityville 3-D, but it has a different subtitle. What subtitle did it gain for a Halloween, 1992, showing on channel 55 in NYC?

Answers

Amityville II: The Possession Quiz

What makes Amityville 2 special … possessions, exorcisms, talk to me people! Let’s go!

Pop Quiz Hot Shot!

1) Might as well start with an easy one. Where in New York is the real life Amityville?

2) Ha, on the soundtrack for this film, naturally, it has to give official credit for Happy Birthday to You. This song is famously written by whom?

3) There was a remake of the original film in 2005. How many original films were there, and since 2011 how many independent releases of related films have there been (plus or minus 5 let’s say)?

4) Orion Pictures produced the film. They have produced four Best Picture films. Name any one of them.

5) In this film the family uses the fictional name Montelli. But what was the actual name of the family in the original Amityville haunting?

Bonus NYTimes Listing Question: On January 26, 1998, this film played late on TMC. Earlier that night though this played:

What is that film?

Answers

Amityville 3-D Preview

“What? No,” Samantha says, confused as to why Jamie would think a scorpion would have stung her in the forests of Massachusetts. She cradles her arm and looks at him with tears in her eyes. “I’ve been trying to tell you,” she says softly. “I know,” Jamie says, even softer, “but I wasn’t listening. But I’m listening now.” They slowly walk their way into the roller rink that contains the Wall of Lovers and sit at a table. Two milkshakes later and they’re ready to talk. “Do you remember when I told you about how I used to be a track and field star in high school but then had to stop?” Jamie shakes his head. He didn’t remember that at all, but it explains her blazing fast speed. “Alright,” she continues, “but you must remember how I told you about the time that a couple of boys drag raced their way into this roller rink and then into my heart while they rebuilt the roller rink together.” It sounded familiar but he eventually shakes his head. He probably would have remembered that if he had been listening. “OK,” she presses on, visibly frustrated, “but how could you forget that after finding my true loves we decided to carve our names in the Wall of Lovers and that’s when we noticed…” she trails off, her eyes pleading with Jamie to have at least absorbed the most tragic of the many tragic stories in her unique beautiful and doomed life. Jamie’s face is blank. Slowly he opens his mouth. “Yes,” he says. Samantha gives up and comes around to his side of the table and hands him a book. It’s the third of the Holly Ween series. Holly Ween’s Possessed 3D. That’s right! We are hitting up one of the most famous horror series for the first time by catching Amityville 2: The Possession and Amityville Horror 3-D. I really don’t like the first film much. I think it’s bad and kind of crazy that it spurred a whole series of films. But apparently these are even worse. Cool. As for Bring a Friend, let’s lighten it up a bit with the “classic” T&A comedy, Joysticks. Now we’re talking. Let’s go!

Amityville 3-D (1983) – BMeTric: 58.4; Notability: 24

StreetCreditReport.com – BMeTric: top 1.7%; Notability: top 12.1%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 5.9%; Higher BMeT: Jaws 3-D, Smokey and the Bandit Part 3, Superman III, Staying Alive; Higher Notability: Superman III, Curse of the Pink Panther, Krull, Deal of the Century, Doctor Detroit, Flashdance, The Sting II, D.C. Cab, Staying Alive, The Man Who Loved Women, The Lords of Discipline, Spacehunter: Adventures in the Forbidden Zone, The Keep, Two of a Kind, The Black Stallion Returns, Stroker Ace, Class, Jaws 3-D, Romantic Comedy, Nate and Hayes, and 8 more; Lower RT: Staying Alive, Nate and Hayes, The Lonely Lady, The Man Who Wasn’t There, The Survivors, Porky’s II: The Next Day, Still Smokin, Deal of the Century, The Sting II, Jaws 3-D, Smokey and the Bandit Part 3; Notes: It claims it only played twice on cable in the 90s, but that is probably because it is called Amityville: The Demon in the paper, but Amityville 3-D on IMDb. Jaws 3-D played 34 times, Smokey and the Bandit Part 3 played 20 times, and Superman III played 30 times (remember drunk Superman? That was great). We are actually doing pretty well on the top 5 for 1983, we have Staying Alive slated for early 2025. Joysticks played 5 times on television which is hilarious.

New York Times – Janet Maslin – The third in a 3-D series, as in ”Jaws 3-D” or now ”Amityville 3-D,” simply isn’t a good idea. Once the first two films in a series have exhausted most opportunities for action, the third is liable to average half a dozen exposition scenes for every eventful episode. And 3-D exposition is the stuff of which headaches are made[.]

(This is probably sage advice. On the other hand, money money money money. The series was still making money.)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6SOBXnEY-Cc/

(Dems alotta screams in this trailer. Haha, man this trailer is all about this being a #D film, something you’d never really be able to recreate at this point. It is really too bad. I would kind of love to see it in 3D. “This picture is not a sequel to the pictures ‘Amityville Horror’ or ‘Amityville II: The Possession’” … it isn’t?)

Directors – Richard Fleischer – ( Known For: Soylent Green; 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea; Tora! Tora! Tora!; Fantastic Voyage; The Vikings; The Boston Strangler; Doctor Dolittle; Mr. Majestyk; 10 Rillington Place; The Narrow Margin; Compulsion; Barabbas; His Kind of Woman; The Jazz Singer; Mandingo; See No Evil; The New Centurions; Armored Car Robbery; Violent Saturday; The Last Run; Future BMT: Million Dollar Mystery; BMT: Conan the Destroyer; Red Sonja; Amityville 3-D; Notes: He won an Oscar for the Documentary Design for Death in 1948. He was on a role in the 80s though, this then Conan and then Red Sonja.)

Writers – David Ambrose – ( Known For: The Final Countdown; D.A.R.Y.L.; Taffin; The French Revolution; The Survivor; The Fifth Musketeer; A Dangerous Summer; Il gioco; Future BMT: Year of the Gun; BMT: Amityville 3-D; Notes: Year of the Gun is one of those weirdo bad Andrew McCarthy films. Looks nuts.)

Actors – Tony Roberts – ( Known For: Annie Hall; Serpico; Hannah and Her Sisters; The Taking of Pelham One Two Three; Radio Days; Play It Again, Sam; Stardust Memories; A Midsummer Night’s Sex Comedy; The Longest Week; 12 and Holding; Los Angeles Plays Itself; The Million Dollar Duck; Le sauvage; Seize the Day; Just Tell Me What You Want; Broadway: The Golden Age, by the Legends Who Were There; Key Exchange; Star Spangled Girl; Future BMT: Switch; Popcorn; 18 Again!; BMT: Amityville 3-D; Notes: Oh man, he was in the Dirty Dancing remake in 2017. He literally just died a week ago. Often worked with Woody Allen.)

Tess Harper – ( Known For: No Country for Old Men; El Camino; Frank; Silkwood; The Man in the Moon; Tender Mercies; Straight A’s; Crimes of the Heart; Burden; Sunlight Jr.; Flashpoint; Broken Bridges; Loggerheads; Kiss the Bride; Broken; Saving Sarah Cain; Daddy’s Dyin’… Who’s Got the Will?; My New Gun; Far North; The Turning; Future BMT: The Jackal; The Perfect Guy; Her Alibi; The in Crowd; Criminal Law; My Heroes Have Always Been Cowboys; BMT: Ishtar; Amityville 3-D; Notes: Nominated for an Oscar for Crimes of the Heart. From Arkansas.)

Robert Joy – ( Known For: Don’t Look Up; Waterworld; The Hills Have Eyes; Land of the Dead; Fallen; It’s a Boy Girl Thing; Radio Days; Desperately Seeking Susan; The Dark Half; Atlantic City; Shadows and Fog; Resurrection; Harriet the Spy; Pretty Persuasion; Ragtime; Death Wish: The Face of Death; Millennium; Longtime Companion; I’ll Do Anything; That Guy… Who Was in That Thing; Future BMT: Sweet November; Superhero Movie; The Goldfinch; Joe Somebody; BMT: Aliens vs. Predator: Requiem; Amityville 3-D; Notes: Hard working. Was on CSI: NY for 165 episodes.)

Budget/Gross – N/A / Domestic: $6,333,135 (Worldwide: $6,333,135)

(Seems good enough. There is no way this cost more than a few million to make.)

Rotten Tomatoes – 18% (4/22): A gimmicky Amityville retread with insufferable characters.

(Ha! Insufferable characters. I mean, they’re not wrong I suppose. Also a standard staple of third editions of classic horror franchises from the 80s.)

New York Times Description: Horror Junk (Ha!!! That’s legit it)

Poster – Amitysklog 3-J&P

(I’ve seen this poster before and it’s never not funny. Just an insane thing to put together and be like ‘nailed it.’ I mean it’s an A+++++ obviously.)

Tagline(s) – WARNING: in this movie you are the victim. (C)

(I understand what they are going for and I think there is something clever about it when you put it with that hilarious alien monster hand reaching out. But it also warps my brain a little.)

Keyword(s) – 1983-1991

Top 10: The Silence of the Lambs (1991), Back to the Future (1985), Goodfellas (1990), Terminator 2: Judgment Day (1991), Star Wars: Episode VI – Return of the Jedi (1983), Die Hard (1988), The Terminator (1984), Scarface (1983), Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade (1989), Full Metal Jacket (1987)

Future BMT: 72.7 Look Who’s Talking Too (1990), 72.5 Teen Wolf Too (1987), 67.9 Smokey and the Bandit Part 3 (1983), 61.1 Staying Alive (1983), 59.1 Suburban Commando (1991), 57.7 The NeverEnding Story II: The Next Chapter (1990), 57.6 Ghost Dad (1990), 56.7 The Karate Kid Part III (1989), 55.1 Who’s That Girl (1987), 54.8 Curse of the Pink Panther (1983), 53.5 Graffiti Bridge (1990), 52.5 Johnny Be Good (1988), 52.5 Porky’s II: The Next Day (1983), 52.4 Porky’s Revenge (1985), 52.2 Revenge of the Nerds II: Nerds in Paradise (1987), 51.8 Police Academy 3: Back in Training (1986), 49.3 King Solomon’s Mines (1985), 48.7 Hercules (1983), 48.6 Delta Force 2: The Colombian Connection (1990), 48.6 My Stepmother Is an Alien (1988)

BMT: Jaws: The Revenge (1987), Superman IV: The Quest for Peace (1987), Troll 2 (1990), Jaws 3-D (1983), Highlander II: The Quickening (1991), Going Overboard (1989), Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan (1989), Police Academy 6: City Under Siege (1989), Mac and Me (1988), Caddyshack II (1988), Police Academy 5: Assignment: Miami Beach (1988), Freddy’s Dead: The Final Nightmare (1991), Howard the Duck (1986), Supergirl (1984), Cool as Ice (1991), Friday the 13th: A New Beginning (1985), The Garbage Pail Kids Movie (1987), Leonard Part 6 (1987), Halloween 5: The Revenge of Michael Myers (1989), Superman III (1983), Poltergeist III (1988), A Nightmare on Elm Street: The Dream Child (1989), Police Academy 4: Citizens on Patrol (1987), Wild Orchid (1989), …

Best Options (Horror): 58.3 Amityville 3-D (1983), 45.7 Children of the Corn (1984), 45.4 DeepStar Six (1989), 42.4 Shocker (1989), 41.9 House II: The Second Story (1987), 37.9 Invaders from Mars (1986), 37.7 Return of the Living Dead II (1988), 32.7 The Seventh Sign (1988), 30.1 Creepshow 2 (1987), 28.3 The Phantom of the Opera (1989), 26.5 My Demon Lover (1987), 26.0 Bad Dreams (1988), 25.6 The Unholy (1988), 25.3 The First Power (1990), 24.2 Dark Angel (1990), 23.4 Popcorn (1991), 22.4 Nightmares (1983), 21.6 Dead Heat (1988), 20.8 The Believers (1987), 17.7 Phantasm II (1988)

(Boom, smashed it. This movie is insane and was destined to be done in this cycle. Thank you for being you Amityville 3-D.)

Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 23) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Tess Harper is No. 2 billed in Amityville 3-D and No. 6 billed in Ishtar, which also stars Warren Beatty (No. 1 billed) who is in Town & Country (No. 1 billed) which also stars Josh Hartnett (No. 10 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 3 billed) => (2 + 6) + (1 + 1) + (10 + 3) = 23. If we were to watch Criminal Law, and Paranoia we can get the HoE Number down to 17.

Notes – Not counting Amityville: The Awakening (2017), which is a completely original story, this is the only theatrically released Amityville film not to be based on a book but instead on the real life accounts of investigator Stephen Kaplan.

The frost that blows out of the basement onto Candy Clark was actually warm wax. She later admitted that she had to wash her hair with detergent to get it all out.

Like the previous installment, Amityville 3-D filmed the exterior scenes at the same house in Toms River, New Jersey and a house nearby for the exterior of Nancy’s house. The interior was a set in a Mexico studio: Estudios Churubusco. The filmmakers almost never got the house to film at again. It was scheduled to be picked up and moved over one lot. They were only able to film the exterior shots before the house was moved. Originally the house had four quarter shaped moon windows, two on both sides. However, by the time of filming in 3D, the owners of the house did not want the eye windows on the side of the house facing the road so they modified them to look like small ordinary square windows. All shots of the “eye” windows (except for the most noticeable scene when John and Susan pull up to the house) had to be filmed on the side facing the river that has the sundeck.

Also known as Amityville III: The Demon.

The character of John Baxter is loosely based on Stephen Kaplan and his investigation of the house, who at the time was trying to prove the Lutzes’ story was a hoax.

Amityville II: The Possession Preview

Amityville II: The Possession (1982) – BMeTric: 36.6; Notability: 32

StreetCreditReport.com – BMeTric: top 3.4%; Notability: top 6.4%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 8.7%; Higher BMeT: Grease 2, Piranha II: The Spawning, Trail of the Pink Panther, Megaforce, Zapped!, Friday the 13th: Part 3, Losin’ It, Parasite; Higher Notability: Young Doctors in Love, Trail of the Pink Panther, Movie Madness, Grease 2, Wrong Is Right, Monsignor, Yes, Giorgio, Lookin’ to Get Out, Death Wish II, Fighting Back, The Toy, Megaforce, The Beast Within, Zapped!, Partners; Lower RT: Class Reunion, Partners, Movie Madness, Monsignor, The Toy, Piranha II: The Spawning, Megaforce, Zapped!, Friday the 13th: Part 3, Parasite, The Beast Within, Losin’ It, Vigilante, Fighting Back, Trail of the Pink Panther, Summer Lovers, Five Days One Summer; Notes: Only played 10 times on cable in the 90s which is a little surprising, it seems like the perfect item of IP to pedal to random channels late night. Grease 2 played over 40 times, but amazingly Piranha II seems to have only played once, on June 5th, 1993 at 3AM on channel 5 … that seems impossible. Young Doctors in Love … what the hell is that lol? We’ve only seen two of the films with a higher BMeT, mainly because it is hard to tell what is and isn’t qualifying from 1982.

RogerEbert.com – 2.0 stars – This movie is actually slightly better than “The Amityville Horror,” maybe because it rips off superior source material. It starts with the most notorious piece of real estate in North America. Then it lifts ingredients from “The Exorcist,” “Poltergeist,” and ‘Murder in Amityville,’ which was the book about the original Amityville horror.

(Hmmmm, intriguing. See this is why having real critics is nice. Who could have watched this along with like four other movies in an afternoon and then reeled this off off-the-cuff.)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n-1wwxK2wIs/

(The trailer explains the first film. Yes, before them another family … the DeFeo family. I do love how they had to change the name despite it being the original name in the first film. I guess you can’t just use actual names in ridiculous fictional accounts. This trailer really doesn’t do justice to how insane this film is.)

Directors – Damiano Damiani – ( Known For: A Genius, Two Partners and a Dupe; A Bullet for the General; Mafia; Confessions of a Police Captain; The Most Beautiful Wife; The Empty Canvas; Alex l’ariete; The Case Is Closed, Forget It; I Am Afraid; How to Kill a Judge; The Witch; Un uomo in ginocchio; The Sicilian Connection; The Inquiry; Goodbye & Amen; Lipstick; Girolimoni, the Monster of Rome; Arturo’s Island; Una ragazza piuttosto complicata; The Warning; BMT: Amityville II: The Possession; Notes: Italian obviously … it is unclear whether this is his only American film.)

Writers – Tommy Lee Wallace – ( Known For: Fright Night Part 2; Vampires: Los Muertos; Far from Home; BMT: Halloween III: Season of the Witch; Amityville II: The Possession; Notes: He genuinely seems to be known for writing many sequels to classic horror films. I’ve heard good things about Fright Night Part 2.)

Hans Holzer – ( BMT: Amityville II: The Possession; Notes: He wrote the book. For some reason he only got credit on this one and then two terrible sequels.)

Dardano Sacchetti – ( Known For: Demons; The Beyond; City of the Living Dead; The House by the Cemetery; The Cat o’ Nine Tails; A Bay of Blood; The New York Ripper; Demons 2; The Psychic; Shock; Cannibals in the Streets; 1990: The Bronx Warriors; A Blade in the Dark; Devil Fish; Aladdin; Manhattan Baby; Cut and Run; Body Count; I guerrieri dell’anno 2072; The Tough Ones; BMT: Amityville II: The Possession; Notes: I guess I assume he worked with the director at some point? Or maybe he was just an Italian guy who did American Horror films and so the director hired him.)

Actors – James Olson – ( Known For: Commando; The Andromeda Strain; Ragtime; Rachel, Rachel; The Stalking Moon; Wild Rovers; Moon Zero Two; The Strange One; The Groundstar Conspiracy; Crescendo; The Mafu Cage; The Sharkfighters; The Three Sisters; BMT: Amityville II: The Possession; Notes: Oh, I should watch The Andromeda Strain, the book was quite good. Mostly he doesn’t have any qualifying films because he really didn’t work much in the 80s.)

Burt Young – ( Known For: Rocky; Once Upon a Time in America; Chinatown; Rocky II; Rocky Balboa; Rocky III; Win Win; New York, I Love You; Transamerica; Mickey Blue Eyes; Back to School; Convoy; Rob the Mob; Sly; The Pope of Greenwich Village; She’s So Lovely; The Killer Elite; Across 110th Street; Last Exit to Brooklyn; The Gambler; BMT: Rocky IV; Rocky V; The Adventures of Pluto Nash; Going Overboard; Amityville II: The Possession; Notes: Burt Young baby! He looked ancient for like 20 years prior to passing away in 2023. Also, I’m not sure anyone acted drunk better than him … also he might have been drunk.)

Rutanya Alda – ( Known For: The Deer Hunter; Rocky II; The Long Goodbye; The Ref; Pat Garrett & Billy the Kid; The Panic in Needle Park; The Dark Half; Scarecrow; The Stuff; Mommie Dearest; The Fury; Hello, Dolly!; When a Stranger Calls; Black Widow; The Last Tycoon; Looking for Mr. Goodbar; Christmas Evil; Night of the Wolf; Last Exit to Brooklyn; Prancer; Future BMT: The Glass House; The War with Grandpa; Gross Anatomy; BMT: Steel; Amityville II: The Possession; Notes: Still alive I think. She was born in 1942 in the Soviet Union.)

Budget/Gross – $5 million / Domestic: $12,534,817 (Worldwide: $12,534,817)

(Again, not bad. You really can’t go wrong with horror films. They can be made for a few million, and you make like $15 million and mint some money. Easy.)

Rotten Tomatoes – 27% (6/22)

(Ha, well the consensus appears to be: this is a rip-off of The Exorcist, and also is gross for exploiting an actual tragedy. Go figure.)

New York Times Description: More occult hooey.

Poster – The Amityville Sklog II: The Skloggening

(The house has always been cool. Looking like the Halloween pumpkin and all that. This poster sucks though. I’ll give it a slight bump far higher than it deserves only because of those cool little devil esses in the title. C-.)

Tagline(s) – The night of February 5, 1976, George and Kathleen Lutz fled their home in Amityville, New York. They got out alive! Their living nightmare shocked audiences around the world in “The Amityville Horror”. But before them, another family lived in this house and were caught by the original evil. They weren’t so lucky… this is their story! (F)

(Nope. Let me know when you finish reading it so I can reiterate: No way.)

Keyword(s) – 1983-1991

Best Options (Horror): 58.3 Amityville 3-D (1983), 45.7 Children of the Corn (1984), 45.4 DeepStar Six (1989), 42.4 Shocker (1989), 41.9 House II: The Second Story (1987), 37.9 Invaders from Mars (1986), 37.7 Return of the Living Dead II (1988), 32.7 The Seventh Sign (1988), 30.1 Creepshow 2 (1987), 28.3 The Phantom of the Opera (1989), 26.5 My Demon Lover (1987), 26.0 Bad Dreams (1988), 25.6 The Unholy (1988), 25.3 The First Power (1990), 24.2 Dark Angel (1990), 23.4 Popcorn (1991), 22.4 Nightmares (1983), 21.6 Dead Heat (1988), 20.8 The Believers (1987), 17.7 Phantasm II (1988)

(This film is actually a little outside the window, it is being done as a bonus. As you can see though, Amityville 3-D was just so good we couldn’t pass it up.)

Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 14) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Burt Young is No. 2 billed in Amityville II: The Possession and No. 3 billed in Rocky V, which also stars Sylvester Stallone (No. 1 billed) who is in The Expendables 3 (No. 1 billed) which also stars Jason Statham (No. 2 billed) who is in In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale (No. 1 billed) which also stars Leelee Sobieski (No. 3 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 1 billed) => (2 + 3) + (1 + 1) + (2 + 1) + (3 + 1) = 14. If we were to watch Rocky IV, and The Glass House we can get the HoE Number down to 13.

Notes – In a 2018 interview, Diane Franklin talked about her infamous incestuous sex scene. She said while she definitely understood the peculiarity of it, she didn’t have a huge issue with doing it. “I never had a brother, so luckily, I didn’t have that association or the weirdness that went along with it.” Franklin did admit filming the scene did end up being very awkward, but not because of the content. It was the producers who made her nervous. Shot in Mexico with no parents or chaperones at her side, the script called for the actress to appear topless, which she agreed to because she had no issue taking off her top in front of cast and crew. She’d already done it in The Last American Virgin (1982). But when producers tried to persuade her to go fully nude, she balked and successfully stood her ground. “They said I was beautiful and they really wanted me to do it. I said thank you very much but no.” Franklin laughed. “They got around it by shooting me from the back, which I had no say in. And that was that.”

Jan and Mark Montelli were portrayed by real life brother and sister Erika Katz and Brent Katz.

According to an interview with George Lutz at website Horror.com, (Lutz’ twenty-eight days in the real-life house provided the base for The Amityville Horror (1979)), Lutz wanted this sequel to be based on John G. Jones’ book “The Amityville Horror Part II”, the sequel novel which recounts the aftermath of the Lutz family escaping the house, but still experiencing paranormal events. However, producer Dino De Laurentiis, in conjunction with American International Pictures, made this sequel based on Hans Holzer’s book “Murder in Amityville”, which is a prequel that recounts the events that led to the DeFeo family deaths instead. Lutz sued De Laurentiis. He was unsuccessful but did manage to force them to out a disclaimer on the posters that read “This film has no affiliation with George and Kathy Lutz.”

Debut theatrical feature film of actor Jack Magner whose only other screen acting credit after this movie was in Stephen King’s Firestarter (1984).

The house in the film, as in the original The Amityville Horror (1979) movie, is not the actual house as depicted in the best-selling novel, as that dwelling was unavailable to shoot in for both films. The home in both movies was a Colonial style replica situated in Toms River, New Jersey.

Awards – Nominee for the Razzie Award for Worst Supporting Actress (Rutanya Alda)

Red Scorpion Recap

Jamie

Red Scorpion. Red. Scorpion. I got nothing. But Slow Bullet? I could talk about that for days. The history of Slow Bullet is a long one. Way back when, even before BMT, I got an iPod touch for Christmas. This was before a smart phone so it was the first thing that really opened me up to things like podcasts. Having some interest in bad movies I searched around and selected a few to try. How Did This Get Made? had just started, but the one that seemed really interesting was The Flop House which had started a few years before. I was immediately hooked and insisted that Patrick also try it. Now fifteen years later and we still listen to the podcast every week. I love The Flop House. In my obsession I found out that the hosts had published some essays on bad movies in a zine called I Love Bad Movies. Obviously I bought all of them. In the first issue Elliott Kalan has two essays. One was about Nukie, which we watched almost immediately, and the other was Slow Bullet, a movie he claimed was the worst of all time. Of course we would watch that as well, except… you couldn’t find it. It basically didn’t exist. That is until I randomly stumbled upon a VHS rip on the Internet Archive not long ago. And so here we go! Slow Bullet! Oh yeah… and Red Scorpion (a precursor to the future Bring a Friend Red Scorpion 2).

To recap, Dolph Lundgren is the bad guy. Literally a Soviet soldier who is sent to the country of Mombaka in Africa to help quell an anti-Communist uprising. In order to do this they set up an undercover mission where he pretends to be a belligerent, disillusioned soldier sent to the brig for getting in a fight. He’s put into holding with the rebel leader and an American photojournalist who doesn’t trust Dolph one little bit. But by helping to stage an escape, Dolph gets them to take him to a rebel encampment. He attempts an assassination of the leader there, but given he’s a thousand feet tall and looks like a special forces soldier they anticipate this and stop him. When an attack by some kind of sentient supercopter (the real bad guy of the film) lands him back with his compatriots he is tortured for failing his mission. Now he really is disillusioned and really has to escape. In the desert he finds a Bushman who takes him to his village where he learns about the value of Capitalism… or maybe it’s the value of magical scorpions… or maybe just the value of being a good dude. I can’t remember. Now that he’s actually a good guy he rejoins the rebels and leads an attack on the Soviet forces. He hunts down his superior, destroys that supercopter and gets the girl (not really, this is a total bro movie for the bros). THE END.

Red Scorpion literally fell out of my brain the instant I watched it. Three interesting things about it (I won’t go so far as to say fun). One is the background that the makers of the film violated US law by filming in a South African controlled region in the age of Apartheid and stirred up quite a bit of controversy. So given we just did Soul Man for BMT, it looks like we’re doing great. Everything’s fine. IT’S FINE! Second is that this is an unexpected entry in the helicopter film genre. The helicopter is used like it’s a terminator sent from the future. That’s one of the few fun things in the film really. Most importantly, though, is M. Emmet Walsh has a scene where he kind of dances/shambles about. It made him look like a gremlin or something. It was wild and a bit disturbing. If you showed me that scene and asked me how old the man in it was I would have been like “uh, 80?” He was 53. It’s the only clear memory I retain from the film. I probably will never forget it. As for Slow Bullet, Elliott Kalan was correct. This really might be the worst movie ever made. I hate that I watched it.

Hot Take Clam Bake! Are we sure Red Scorpion didn’t hasten the dissolution of the Soviet Union? I mean, the film was released in April 1989. Moscow was really losing control by that point. I’m thinking maybe a few too many people got their hands on copies of Red Scorpion and started to get ideas. Wait, Dolph Lundgren was just trying to do right by Mother Russia! Now he’s getting tortured? Unacceptable. You know what else is unacceptable? Communism. Hot Take Temperature: The deserts of Mombaka.

Patrick?

Patrick

‘Ello everyone! *gif of me greasing up my body while looking in the mirror. I look impressed, but not too impressed, you know? I’m still humble I think* Let’s go!

The good? The only thing that is really truly good in this film is M. Emmet Walsh who is insane throughout and does a crazy dance in the middle which both me and Jamie clocked and were like “that’s a gif”.

The bad? Everything else. The movie is dull. Lundgren is truly terrible in the film. It is actually a little unclear if (1) he didn’t speak English well enough so the director decided on the strong silent character, (2) he literally didn’t speak Russian and sounded ridiculous when he did so the director decided on the strong silent character, or (3) the character was written as strong and silent. Regardless, he is greased up and speaks like 10 words, and it doesn’t work for me.

The BMT? Not much. Maybe once we do the sequel as a friend we’ll understand that this is one of those bridge franchises that is what BMT is all about. But for now I think despite the promise of insane 80s action, this one disappoints.

Oh boy, the friend this week was Slow Bullet. Uh … this isn’t a movie. This is like something I would make. But if I was a lunatic who thought I could make a movie. I’m sure Jamie went into the reason why we watched this film, but rest assured: we had to do this film someday. And now we have. F.

“Based solely on this poster, name 10 keywords which might describe events of themes of this film”: Action, Military, Helicopters, Desert, Rebellion, Control, Weaponry, Survival, Betrayal, Conflict. Of those, Helicopter and Desert are the most intriguing. I did decide to do quite a big job, specifically I took the 2769 films with the keyword Helicopter, and then I asked the LLM whether the poster has a helicopter in it. Of those, 529 of them it said the poster did have a helicopter (~19%). I then personally looked through them and found 101 which did not have a helicopter (~19%) and 428 which did indeed have a helicopter.

Now my eyes hurt, so I didn’t dig further, but that is a decently high false positive rate, high enough to annoy me, but also probably in line with a SOTA object recognition model and actually very good (you should see some of these helicopters it found, they are tiny!!). Anyways, I think I learned that the error rate is high enough that you kind of have to accept it or not use the data.

I did filter the original 529 down to 224 (~42%) based on whether a helicopter is mentioned in the wiki page. So from 2769 we are down to 224 (~8%) films which (maybe) have a helicopter in the poster and helicopter is mentioned in the wiki page. That is actually a workable tight set of films. The final stats my program then prints out based on that Letterboxd page is:

Total: 223; Potential Friend (>10K votes): 22; Already BMT: 18; Future BMT: 20; Total BMT: 36; Wide: 89

There are 159 films that fit all the criteria and have 3K+ votes on IMDb which is a solid threshold for a “real” film. Two funny bits. First, after McHale’s Navy there are four Chuck Norris films in a row in the to-be-watched section, Delta Force and it’s sequel, Invasion U.S.A., and Missing in Action. Second, looking at potential friends the two that pop out are Moon 44 and the amusingly named Biggles: An Adventure in Time. Could we do a whole helicopter cycle?! … no, there isn’t a romance (at least unless you expand to the keyword, then we got new Annie on the block).

A Fictional Country Alert (Where?) for Mombaka according to wikipedia. And fine, Worst Twist (How?) for Dolph Lundgren, after a betrayal, revealing he actually has a heart of pure gold. This movie is Bad, the main issue is Lundgren not being asked or being unable to do anything really, it makes the film pretty dull.

Learn about scorpions in the Quiz. Cheerios,

The Sklogs

Red Scorpion Quiz

Time to learn about arachnids I imagine. Let’s go!

Pop Quiz Hot Shot!

1) In the film Dolph Lundgren is part of the Spetsnaz. Historically, this term was followed by what three letter acronym?

2) The film was produced by Jack Abromoff, who eventually went to prison in the aptly named Jack Abramoff Native American lobbying scandal. His lobbying efforts were dramatized in the film Casino Jack, where he was (appropriately?) played by whom?

3) In the film Lundgren is found by a tribal San, or Saan. These are hunter gatherers that still live in the region, and are more commonly referred to as what? (Although to be clear they appear to not have a collective term for themselves)

4) There are a ton of music by the singer of Jenny, Jenny, Long Tall Sally, and Good Golly Miss Molly. Name that singer.

5) The director Joseph Zito directed a few films, but two of the more famous films are Invasion U.S.A. and Missing in Action. Who stars in these films?

Bonus NYTimes Listing Question: Red Scorpion was a bit touch and go, but Red Scorpion 2? That definitely played on HBO on April 27, 1995. Right before it though:

What is this lead-in film?

Answers

Red Scorpion Preview

“Gosh damn, she’s fast,” Jamie says, resting his hands on his knees while he huffs and puffs, trying to catch his breath. Every time he catches a glimmer of her she’s off again in a blur like some Glimmer Man. Patrick and Kyle catch up to him, also breathing hard. “Gosh damn, she’s fast,” they both say simultaneously. They immediately launch into a detailed explanation of Lesson #5, but about halfway through they can see Jamie’s eye’s have glazed over like the eyes of a doll designed to look like it’s not listening. Patrick grabs him by the shoulders and shakes him hard. “Oh sorry,” Jamie says, “I wasn’t listening.” Suddenly he gasps, realizing in that moment everything that Jamie and Kyle had been going on about. Samantha had been trying to tell him something important this whole time but he wasn’t listening. The reason why their love is beautiful, but is perhaps doomed. A beautiful doomed love that is unique like a beautiful doomed snowflake. “You have to listen to her. But first you have to find her,” Patrick says and implores Jamie to think hard about where she might be. It’s hard though because Jamie probably wasn’t listening when she told him. “She did tell me a couple times that the Wall of Lovers made her sad because… I don’t know, but it was important I think,” he suggests. “I know a shortcut,” Patrick says and they are off like a shot. As they come out of the forest they see Sam heading for the Wall. Suddenly she stops running and drops to the ground in pain and grief. “What happened?” Jamie asks her when he is able to reach her side, concern etched on his face. “Was it a scorpion? Did you get stung by some scorpion?” That’s right! We are (finally) watching Red Scorpion starring Dolph Lundgren. Controversial in a different way (it violated anti-apartheid laws in its filming), we can’t seem to stop touching the third rail in our film choices. As for the friend, it’s time. Time to watch what Elliott Kalan of The Flop House claims is the worst film of all time. Slow Bullet. Let’s go!

Red Scorpion (1988) – BMeTric: 44.4; Notability: 27

StreetCreditReport.com – BMeTric: top 4.4%; Notability: top 15.6%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 8.0%; Higher BMeT: Mac and Me, Caddyshack II, Police Academy 5: Assignment: Miami Beach, Poltergeist III, Friday the 13th: The New Blood, Johnny Be Good, Alien from L.A., Arthur 2: On the Rocks, My Stepmother Is an Alien, Big Top Pee-wee, Cocoon: The Return; Higher Notability: Big Top Pee-wee, Sunset, Action Jackson, Cocoon: The Return, High Spirits, Caddyshack II, My Stepmother Is an Alien, Moving, The Couch Trip, Vibes, License to Drive, Cocktail, Arthur 2: On the Rocks, Hot to Trot, The Seventh Sign, Mac and Me, Police Academy 5: Assignment: Miami Beach, Fright Night Part 2, Bad Dreams, For Keeps?, and 19 more; Lower RT: Police Academy 5: Assignment: Miami Beach, Return of the Killer Tomatoes!, Johnny Be Good, Two Moon Junction, Watchers, Hero and the Terror, Hot to Trot, Fresh Horses, Illegally Yours, Caddyshack II, Return of the Living Dead II, Mac and Me, Cocktail, Dead Heat, Arthur 2: On the Rocks, Vibes, The Prince of Pennsylvania, Poltergeist III, The Seventh Sign, 976-EVIL; Notes: It is quite something that this played 34 times on television in the 90s. The sequel played 12 times (and has the confusing description of “a neo-Nazi businessman and his bald henchman” … what?), and our friend, Slow Bullet … well needless to say that never appeared on television … ever. We have seen 7 of the top ten BMeT films, with Johnny Be Good probably being the best next option.

New York Times – Chest Muscles in the Desert – Dolph Lundgren’s pectorals are the real stars of ”Red Scorpion,” an action-adventure movie set in the fictional African country of Mombaka. Filmed from below so that one has the sense of peering up at a massive kinetic sculpture, his glistening torso, which over the course of the film is subjected to assorted tortures, is the movie’s primary visual focus whenever the action slows down.

(The vast vast vast majority of this review was about Lundgren’s chest muscles and complete lack of dialogue. They aren’t wrong though.)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aFIAA9rSZpI/

(How is this not a straight to video film? It is insane that they actually tried to release this. Actually, strike that, read up on the production on this film and you’ll realize there was no way they weren’t going to release this film.)

Directors – Joseph Zito – ( Known For: The Prowler; Power Play; Bloodrage; Abduction; Future BMT: Missing in Action; Invasion U.S.A.; BMT: Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter; Red Scorpion; Notes: Wait … this guy also directed a Friday the 13th. We are on a role with that.)

Writers – Robert Abramoff and Jack Abramoff – ( Notes: I don’t really know where the info on these guys come from. Robert seems to be an actual producer, but never wrote anything but this.)

Arne Olsen – ( Known For: Distorted; Repeaters; Red Scorpion 2; Black Ice; Future BMT: Mighty Morphin Power Rangers; Cop & ½; All Dogs Go to Heaven 2; BMT: Red Scorpion; Notes: Man we’ll have to do those kids films at some point. We watched Mighty Morphin Power Rangers in theaters.)

Joseph Zito – ( Notes: Was apparently originally interested in producing the classic never-made film Doctor Strange in the 80s.)

Actors – Dolph Lundgren – ( Known For: Aquaman; The Expendables; The Expendables 2; Creed II; Hail, Caesar!; Minions: The Rise of Gru; Universal Soldier: Regeneration; The Punisher; Universal Soldier: Day of Reckoning; Showdown in Little Tokyo; Sly; Skin Trade; Small Apartments; Black Water; Joshua Tree; Electric Boogaloo: The Wild, Untold Story of Cannon Films; In the Name of the King: Two Worlds; Don’t Kill It; One in the Chamber; Men of War; Future BMT: Rocky IV; A View to a Kill; Aquaman and the Lost Kingdom; Dark Angel; BMT: The Expendables 3; Universal Soldier; Johnny Mnemonic; The Expendables 4; Masters of the Universe; Red Scorpion; Notes: What the what? But … Rocky IV doesn’t qualify. <Checks notes> They removed a good review?! HOW FUCKING DARE THEY. Seems like we got a new bonus film coming up. Oh yeah, Lundgren was a Chemical Engineer and kickboxing champion and then he turned to acting. He can barely speak English in this film.)

M. Emmet Walsh – ( Known For: Blade Runner; Knives Out; Romeo + Juliet; The Iron Giant; A Time to Kill; My Best Friend’s Wedding; Raising Arizona; Serpico; Midnight Cowboy; Blood Simple; Youth in Revolt; The Jerk; Calvary; Fletch; Ordinary People; Big Stan; Slap Shot; Escape from the Planet of the Apes; Critters; Harry and the Hendersons; Future BMT: The Odd Life of Timothy Green; Snow Dogs; Racing Stripes; Missing in Action; Wildcats; Camp Nowhere; The Best of Times; Cops and Robbersons; Sunset; Panther; BMT: Wild Wild West; Christmas with the Kranks; Random Hearts; Red Scorpion; Chairman of the Board; Notes: Aw hell yeah. We are going to smash Camp Nowhere someday, I promise you that.)

Al White – ( Known For: Back to the Future Part II; Airplane!; Airplane II: The Sequel; Leprechaun 2; Black Moon Rising; Big Trouble; Liberty & Bash; Future BMT: Russkies; BMT: Red Scorpion; Notes: Apparently something of a poet. He was the father who tries to shoot Marty McFly in Back to the Future II.)

Budget/Gross – N/A / Domestic: $4,192,440 (Worldwide: $4,192,440)

(Unclear, but that is probably fine. I doubt this cost a million to make at the time. But also why was this even really released to theaters?)

Rotten Tomatoes – 17% (2/12)

(I mean … the consensus is the same as the New York Times review: this film is really just about Lundgren’s big ol muscles.)

New York Times Description: Or, chest muscles in the African desert. Churning comic adventure.

Poster – CBS’s Scorpion

(I honestly can’t tell if this is amazing or an incomprehensible mess… maybe both. What is happening in this poster. It looks like I made it. Incomplete.)

Tagline(s) – They think they control him. Think again… (C)

(I have to ding this for lack of originality despite having some flow. It could be used for any number of films… it could have been the tagline for Spawn. You know? In traditional tagline scoring that’s a problem. Needs to connect to the film at hand.)

Keyword(s) – 1983-1991

Best Options (Action): 67.9 Smokey and the Bandit Part 3 (1983), 59.1 Suburban Commando (1991), 56.7 The Karate Kid Part III (1989), 49.3 King Solomon’s Mines (1985), 48.6 Delta Force 2: The Colombian Connection (1990), 45.4 DeepStar Six (1989), 44.8 American Ninja (1985), 44.7 Missing in Action (1984), 44.4 Red Scorpion (1989), …

(This is probably the best option. It seems like really there were just smaller bad ones left, the others (like Smokey and the Bandit) are really comedies or like sports movies.)

Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 11) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Dolph Lundgren is No. 1 billed in Red Scorpion and No. 4 billed in The Expendables 4, which also stars Jason Statham (No. 1 billed) who is in In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale (No. 1 billed) which also stars Leelee Sobieski (No. 3 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 1 billed) => (1 + 4) + (1 + 1) + (3 + 1) = 11. There is no shorter path at the moment.

Notes – The filmmakers used a real bushmen tribe and Regopstaan was their 95-year-old leader who only agreed to be in the movie if his tribe could follow him everywhere.

Dolph Lundgren performed some of the most dangerous stunts in his career, notably jumping from a moving motorcycle to a truck.

Original script had different opening scene than the film. It included Nikolai on a Spetznaz training exercise in snowy Moscow and it was supposed to be really big action sequence, but it was cut out of the script because of the budget and schedule reasons.

At one point, the cast and crew was left stuck in Johannesburg for three months while they waited for a new location to be found after they had prepped the production to be shot in Swaziland. The film was ultimately filmed in Namibia, which was then ruled by South Africa, thereby breaking an international boycott against the country for its practice of apartheid. Warner Bros., who had a negative pick up deal, pulled out from distribution.

Allegedly financed by the South African Defence Force through the International Freedom Foundation, a right-wing political think-tank which it funded. Red Scorpion (1988) co-writer/producer Jack Abramoff helped to run the foundation.

Soul Man Recap

Jamie

I cannot believe this used to play on television… like I’ve seen Soul Man a whole bunch of times growing up. Even at the time it was controversial to the point where the actors in it have continued to give interviews over the years insisting that the script was very funny and sharp and playing on important issues of the times. Essentially insisting that it was a project you couldn’t pass up (even if in retrospect you think “why didn’t you run as fast and far away from this as possible?”). So how did Comedy Central then look at this already controversial film and be like hmmmmm, 3pm on Saturday maybe followed by Just One of the Guys? Pretty ironic actually. It basically became an example of what it was trying to satirize.

To recap, Mark Wilson is an asshole… sorry, that was rude. He’s a rich asshole. He’s primed to attend Harvard Law, but is dismayed when his parents decide not to pay for it. What is a rich asshole to do? Get a loan of course, but in a system built against rich white assholes he just can’t manage that. So he does what any asshole will do: take a bunch of tanning pills and scoop a scholarship meant for African Americans (but don’t worry, if he didn’t take it then the scholarship would have been wasted as he was the only applicant… not a single African American applicant… in LA… hooo weee). Off he goes to Harvard where he begins to learn the hard lessons about what it is to be Black in America. Eventually he is inspired by a fellow African American student in his class, Sarah, who is a single parent working hard to become a lawyer and give back to her community. When he finds out that Sarah actually would have gotten his scholarship if he hadn’t applied as if left unawarded it would have opened to a wider applicant pool, he starts to feel real bad. Eventually he admits what he has done and given all the lessons he’s learned he is given a second chance with strings attached. He gets a loan and asks Sarah for forgiveness, which she eventually grants. THE END.

I mean, wow. The biggest crime this film commits is the blackface. The second biggest crime is playing into stereotypes for laughs because they couldn’t navigate their own satire. But the third biggest crime is letting Mark off at the end with essentially a slap on the wrist. The kid needed some comeuppance. Something to at least be like “OK, he learned a real lesson here.” Having him stay at Harvard and get the girl in the end is insane. Anyway, can I see what the actors are saying when they insist that the script was good? Kind of. There is something interesting about the moment where Mark, deep in on his own crazy blackface scheme, talks about how cool it’s going to be to be Black. That is fairly pointed. It’s a moment in time when there was such a sharp divide between the impact of African American life on culture (the only interaction with African Americans that someone like Mark would have) and the reality of living in America as an African American. But you can’t have your cake and eat it too. You can’t set up a rich asshole pulling a blackface scheme in a film and then have him totally redeemed in the end. Messes the whole thing up. They were trying to walk a tightrope and basically missed the wire entirely with their first step. As for Meatballs IIIl: Summer Job. A+++. Highly recommend watching this on VHS. Me and Patrick were tickled by the sheer number of times someone goes flying off a dock. It’s like the stunt coordinator had only one thing he was licensed for. Throwing people off docks. Back in on the Meatballs franchise!

Hot Take Clam Bake! The end is a dream sequence. What we are experiencing at that moment is Mark getting expelled from school and everyone throwing rotten fruits and vegetables at him. The moment this happens he disassociates and we see what is happening in his mind. He imagines that in fact his professor understands. He gives him a second chance. He goes out and gets a loan at a high interest rate. Then when he sees Sarah again she is willing to take him back because a couple of racists are walking by, make a joke, and give him the opportunity to punch them out. Fantasy land, people. None of that happened. He’s a pariah and has to change his name. Hot Take Temperature: A hot stove you absolutely should not touch.

Patrick?

Patrick

‘Ello everyone! *gif of me walking all “cool” down the street, right before a group of children jump out and beat the shit out of me* Let’s go!

The Good? Nothing much, the film is super weird, and not only racist, but patronizing about it. Originally, I said that the film is probably a satire, but that is not right, at least if you take what the stars and producers say at face value. The comparison I would draw though is to Tootsie (which is described as a satire). Both seem to take their message seriously, which I suppose is the way you would hope such material was considered.

The Bad? The blackface? The racism? The fact that the main character has no consequences in the end? The fact that anyone liked him or talked to him after this? The racism? Oh I already said that. If you wanted to look at this more charitably the film is merely not funny. The funniest part is that partly the film doesn’t work because Howell has a friend. If he was a friendless, rich, asshole, his inability to empathize with black people beyond what he’s seen on television and in movies would perhaps be taken with as a bit of charming naivete. The fact that he has a white friend aiding and abetting his fraud though is rough.

But the bizarre nature of the whole affair means it is a BMT film. We wouldn’t look to it as a Hall of Fame entry, but it does represent a weird sort of bad movie that could only exist in the mid-80s when cocaine was flowing like wine, and consequences were a thing to be scoffed at.

Ooooooooooo doggy, Meatballs III: Summer Job. This was a VHS special. Only available on VHS. So we busted out the CRT, hooked up my combination VHS/DVD player, and popped this on. This movie is hilariously janky. It is weird. And acting is horrible. But my god it is fun. “I want to get laaaaaaaaaaaaaid” is a line in the film. Patrick Dempsey is pushed off a dock. There is an angel pornstar, and an actor playing the devil which is legitimately not an actor. I can’t figure out who the person was. Anyways, A+, just a very funny and unique viewing experience, this is the thing that friends are made of.

I’m sticking with the trailer analysis today. First I asked if AIStudio could identify where the movie is set. It said Harvard was mentioned, and also Los Angeles, so “Given these details, it seems most likely that the movie is set in both Massachusetts and California.” Correct. I then asked it about product placement. It points out that at 00:20 there is a clear Fila Logo which is kind of amazing because it is upside down and partially obscured … intriguing. As for keywords, I couldn’t get it to ignore audio (which is where it really was getting all the keywords I think), so I tried it without any audio available: Comedy, Racism/Race, Law School, Spoof, C. Thomas Howell, Blackface, Controversy, 1980s, Satire, Prejudice.

Now … Controversy is interesting and seems to me like it might be using some outside sources for this assignment. I guess it could deduce that C. Thomas Howell + Blackface = Controversy, but it is hard to know. Law School is the most intriguing I guess, but again, would a human being recognize this video clip without sound as having to do with law school. Unclear. Similarly, asking about films with the keyword “law school” only 5 pop up, but at least two of them (Reversal of Fortune and Pelican Brief) it is very clear it is getting it from the tagline. Which, fair enough, but still, it is a little different than having an obvious “law school” film in a way. Legally Blonde (title?) and Paper Chase (law + an odd mention of “The Graduate” on the poster?) are also questionable. Honestly, they are all borderline in the end.

I think I’ll give a special BFF (Who?) for Arye Gross who plays the essential best friend who is in on the scheme all along and covers for the main character. Why not, let’s use the AI generated note of Product Placement (What?) for Fila, even though I’m sure there is a better beer one in the end. Definite Setting as a Character (Where?) for Cambridge, MA, you love to see it. A weirdo MacGuffin (Why?) for that always difficult to obtain Harvard Law Degree. And obviously a Worst Twist (How?) for the main character not only not going to prison for fraud, but also still being allowed to stay at Harvard. He was barely a good student! This movie is BMT, it was destined to BMT, and also is so BMT it manages to be a movie I’ll never watch again.

Read about … law? Blackface? Something in the Quiz. Cheerios,

The Sklogs