Achievement – Page 3 – Bad Movie Twins

Breakin’ Preview

“What?” Samantha says, frustrated that even her totally rizz new entry in the Holly Ween series didn’t get through to Jamie. “So I just need to dream again and then I’ll make sure to listen… like in your book,” Jamie says, adding the last part as he had forgotten that he was supposed to have already figured this out because of the book. But how could he be expected to interpret the hidden themes of a book when it was so ill and dope? “Alright,” Samantha starts again, “are you listening?” Jamie nods, staring intently. “I am dying.” Jamie gasps. He asks all the obvious questions. How? When? What? “It just happened,” Samantha says sadly, tears in her eyes. “I first noticed it in my elbow three years ago while practicing the shot put. But it ended up being more serious than that. It’s hard to explain. Just complex and vague really, but I assure you it’s terminal.” Jamie is blubbering at this point. “Who? Why? Where?” He gets out, not sure what else to say. Samantha hugs him, hoping he now understands why she ran. Why she ran so far away. All night and day… but she couldn’t get away. Not from this love. Jamie suddenly pulls away. “No!” he yells, “no, I don’t believe it. I’m going to punch those doctors that made you believe this. Just really punch them hard in the arm. Or maybe if we just get a second opinion then it’ll turn out they were wrong.” At this his face crumples and he begins to blubber again. Once he finishes he looks up, hope and love shining in his eyes. “What now?” he asks, accepting his new reality. Patrick looks on and his heart breaks for them. Kyle’s heart is breaking too. That’s right! We are pulling double dancin’ duty by watching both Breakin’ and Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo. These are classics of the genre, so there’s not much more to say. As for the Friend, we went full nostalgia for this one and did Caravan of Courage: An Ewok Adventure. Boy, I haven’t seen that since I was a little kid. Should be fun. Let’s go!

Breakin’ (1984) – BMeTric: 24.5; Notability: 33

StreetCreditReport.com – BMeTric: top 8.8%; Notability: top 7.6%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 13.2%; Higher BMeT: Supergirl, Ghoulies, The Hills Have Eyes Part II, Rhinestone, Bolero, Cannonball Run II, Children of the Corn, Missing in Action, Sheena, City Heat, C.H.U.D., Conan the Destroyer, The Ice Pirates, Exterminator 2, Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo, Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter, Ninja III: The Domination, Blame It on Rio, The Woman in Red, Protocol, and 2 more; Higher Notability: Dune, Cannonball Run II, City Heat, Supergirl, Firstborn, Protocol, Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo, The River, Unfaithfully Yours, American Dreamer, Conan the Destroyer, Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter, The Woman in Red, The Ice Pirates, Rhinestone, C.H.U.D., Sheena, Reckless, Exterminator 2; Lower RT: The Hills Have Eyes Part II, Bolero, Exterminator 2, Reckless, Thief of Hearts, Crackers, Until September, Ghoulies, Blame It on Rio, Supergirl, Sheena, Cannonball Run II, Windy City, The Ice Pirates, American Dreamer, Missing in Action, Rhinestone, Tank, Mutant, Purple Hearts, and 9 more; Notes: Only played eight times on television, which is, again, a surprise because I would think this could play anytime so would play afternoons on random channels, but nope. Supergirl played 29 times, Ghoulies 8 times, and Rhinestone 32 times. This is a rare year where we’ve only seen 5 of the top 10 BMeT films, so we really have to get on the Children of the Corn series.

New York Times – Break-Dancing Stars – “Breakin’,” which opened yesterday at the National and other theaters, features a number of good, mostly small-scale demonstrations of break-dancing, the energetic street choreography that is now in process of being co-opted and merchandized by big-time show business.

(Basically, the complaint seems to boil down to: enough with the story, I want more dancing! He ain’t wrong.)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wFC5yYW58TM/

(Alright, strike that the music in this one is incredible. And the beginning of the trailer is just groin shots over and over. I’m not complaining. Just to be clear. Don’t be mistaken’ I’m going to watch Breakin’.)

Directors – Joel Silberg – ( Known For: Lambada; The Best of Enemies; Rappin’; Catch the Heat; BMT: Breakin’; Notes: My god, he directed Prison Heat. Also Rappin; and Lambada! This guy is clearly a legend. He died in 2013.)

Writers – Charles Parker – ( BMT: Breakin’; Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo; Notes: Literally just this movie and characters on the sequel. There isn’t a “real” write on this whole thing (no offense intended).)

Allen DeBevoise – ( BMT: Breakin’; Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo; Notes: Alright, well this guy did some producing after, although nothing of major note.)

Gerald Scaife – ( BMT: Breakin’; Notes: Crazy, he only wrote this movie, but he’s apparently a construction estimator / accountant for major films. He did Titanic!)

Actors – Lucinda Dickey – ( Known For: Electric Boogaloo: The Wild, Untold Story of Cannon Films; Ninja III: The Domination; Cheerleader Camp; BMT: Grease 2; Breakin’; Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo; Notes: So Grease 2 she was just a random female Greaser. After these two films she did Ninja III and then retired as she got married in 1990.)

Adolfo Quinones – ( Known For: Electric Boogaloo: The Wild, Untold Story of Cannon Films; Lambada; BMT: Tango & Cash; Breakin’; Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo; Notes: Bonafide break dancing legend by all accounts. His dance name was Shabba-Doo. He was also in Lambada and apparently did some breaking on Married… with Children.)

Michael Chambers – ( Notes: His name was Shrimp. Ignore the lack of detail here, he was actually in a bunch of movies, he just isn’t clearly in TMDb. My favorite credit is that he was Good Robot Bill in Bill & Ted’s Bogus Journey. One of the bad guys was Good Robot Ted.)

Budget/Gross – $1.2 million / Domestic: $38,682,707 (Worldwide: $38,682,707)

(This was huge! What the hell. I would never have guessed how much money this made. No wonder they rushed a second film into production, they were apparently sitting on a goldmine!)

Rotten Tomatoes – 33% (3/9)

(That is genuinely better than I would have expected. Once again the consensus is like: If they would just let Turbo and Ozone cook this movie would be fire, instead it gets bogged down by insisting this movie have a plot.)

New York Times Description: Breakdancers. Some good hopping, period.

Poster – Sklogin’

(I mean, yes. This is exactly the poster for Breakin’ and what it should be. It’s crazy terrible. D+ for the font.)

Tagline(s) – Push it to Pop it! Rock it to Lock it! Break it to Make it! (A+++++++)

For The Break Of Your Life! (B-)

(The first is obviously life-changing. The second is better than you think. Just reading it, you’d think it was terrible. But it’s kind of clever, if a bit clunky. Trust me, you’ll end up loving it.)

Keyword(s) – 1983-1991

Top 10: The Silence of the Lambs (1991), Back to the Future (1985), Goodfellas (1990), Terminator 2: Judgment Day (1991), Star Wars: Episode VI – Return of the Jedi (1983), Die Hard (1988), The Terminator (1984), Scarface (1983), Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade (1989), Full Metal Jacket (1987)

Future BMT: 72.7 Look Who’s Talking Too (1990), 72.5 Teen Wolf Too (1987), 67.9 Smokey and the Bandit Part 3 (1983), 61.1 Staying Alive (1983), 59.1 Suburban Commando (1991), 57.7 The NeverEnding Story II: The Next Chapter (1990), 57.6 Ghost Dad (1990), 56.7 The Karate Kid Part III (1989), 55.1 Who’s That Girl (1987), 54.8 Curse of the Pink Panther (1983), 53.5 Graffiti Bridge (1990), 52.5 Johnny Be Good (1988), 52.5 Porky’s II: The Next Day (1983), 52.4 Porky’s Revenge (1985), 52.2 Revenge of the Nerds II: Nerds in Paradise (1987), 51.8 Police Academy 3: Back in Training (1986), 49.3 King Solomon’s Mines (1985), 48.7 Hercules (1983), 48.6 Delta Force 2: The Colombian Connection (1990), 48.6 My Stepmother Is an Alien (1988)

BMT: Jaws: The Revenge (1987), Superman IV: The Quest for Peace (1987), Troll 2 (1990), Jaws 3-D (1983), Highlander II: The Quickening (1991), Going Overboard (1989), Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan (1989), Police Academy 6: City Under Siege (1989), Mac and Me (1988), Caddyshack II (1988), Police Academy 5: Assignment: Miami Beach (1988), Freddy’s Dead: The Final Nightmare (1991), Howard the Duck (1986), Supergirl (1984), Cool as Ice (1991), Friday the 13th: A New Beginning (1985), The Garbage Pail Kids Movie (1987), Leonard Part 6 (1987), Halloween 5: The Revenge of Michael Myers (1989), Superman III (1983), Poltergeist III (1988), A Nightmare on Elm Street: The Dream Child (1989), Police Academy 4: Citizens on Patrol (1987), Wild Orchid (1989), …

Best Options (franchise): 72.7 Look Who’s Talking Too (1990), 67.9 Smokey and the Bandit Part 3 (1983), 57.7 The NeverEnding Story II: The Next Chapter (1990), 56.7 The Karate Kid Part III (1989), 54.8 Curse of the Pink Panther (1983), 52.5 Porky’s II: The Next Day (1983), 52.4 Porky’s Revenge (1985), 52.2 Revenge of the Nerds II: Nerds in Paradise (1987), 51.8 Police Academy 3: Back in Training (1986), …

(It would just be off of this list, as the second is the one we are actually doing here, but also for whatever reason this series isn’t on the franchise list … I guess maybe they don’t technically count franchises where there are only two films?)

Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 21) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Ice-T is No. 7 billed in Breakin’ and No. 1 billed in Surviving the Game, which also stars Charles S. Dutton (No. 3 billed) who is in Random Hearts (No. 3 billed) which also stars Harrison Ford (No. 1 billed) who is in Hollywood Homicide (No. 1 billed) which also stars Josh Hartnett (No. 2 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 3 billed) => (7 + 1) + (3 + 3) + (1 + 1) + (2 + 3) = 21. If we were to watch Unforgettable we can get the HoE Number down to 16.

Notes – In the first “street dancing” scene, in which Kelly accompanies Ozone and Turbo to the beach, the audience watching the dancing is comprised of surfers and beach bums. A man in a black singlet claps with the music. It’s Jean-Claude Van Damme in his first on-screen appearance. According to Van Damme, he tried hard to draw attention to himself by jumping in the air and doing flips, but they were not included in the film.

According to Lucinda Dickey, Adolfo Quinones would often try to show her up and make her feel intimidated because of her dancing ability and their clashes within the film rang true with his personal resentment for her which was also shared by their co-star Michael Chambers.

The film uses two of Ice-T’s early instrumental raps; Tibetan Jam and Reckless. The producers later used Tibetan Jam as background music in Missing in Action (1984).

The idea for the film came from Menahem Golan’s daughter who one day while at the beach saw a group of break dancers performing before a crowd.

This was Cannon Films most financially successful movie as distributor.

Major League: Back to the Minors Recap

Jamie

Major League: Back to the Minors has one specific BMT muscle it can flex and it better flex it because (hooooo doggy) that movie doesn’t have any other BMT leg to stand on. If you right now wanted to watch Major League: Back to the Minors you could. You would have to pay about $4 to stream it, but you could do that. We don’t like to do that at BMTHQ. Why not? Because we are brary bros and we support our local public library system. It’s a beautiful thing to engage in the community and receive the treasure that is a DVD and Blu-ray’s in the mail. It brings a tear to my eye. So could we do that with Major League: Back to the Minors? No. Not a single hard copy of the film exists in my library system or Patrick’s. It’s rare, but it does happen. Our local libraries looked at Major League: Back to the Minors, assessed its value to the community and said “nah.” Were we deterred? No! I sent out the brary bro signal to the heavens and got it from a different library system through a third brary bro. All this to say, you too can be a brary bro. Thanks Brary Bro Network (BBN)!

To recap, uh… Dorn is back, Jack?! I guess our boy Dorn didn’t learn his lesson from briefly owning the Indians and now he owns the Twins. He brings in Gus Cantrell as the coach of their AAA team, The Buzz. Gus is an aging pitcher on his last legs, but he knows what it takes to make a team. He ain’t taking guff from anyone, even his star player. Tanaka is back. Pedro is back. Rube is back. Some other guys. The minor league team is naturally a mess, in part because they are a bunch of misfits (you don’t say) and in part because they don’t work together (you don’t double say). Gus has a rivalry with the Twins manager, Leonard Huff, and as his team shapes up he finds himself challenging the Twins to an exhibition. They end up playing the Twins strong and Huff decides to shut off the stadium lights rather than risk losing. Everyone kind of knows the Twins choked and so Huff calls up the Buzz’s star player, Billy Anderson. Gus insists he’s not ready, but ultimately Billy chooses to go. Gus is able to rally his team and when Billy is sent back down, Gus helps him become a better player. Gus ends up challenging Huff again. The bet? If the Twins win, Huff gets Gus’s salary. If the Buzz win, Gus becomes the Twins manager. Long story short the Buzz win (duh), but Gus is like “I’d rather coach in the minors and not make way more money and shit. Whatever.” THE END.

Woooooooooooooof. This is an anti-comedy. Were there jokes? I can’t remember. My brain refused to comprehend that this was a film that was worth ingesting. No wonder the library systems didn’t have copies of this film. It probably acts like a black hole and sucks up and destroys the films that surround it. This really feels like a film where jokes were written and then some baseball consultant came in and removed them in order to add more baseball details. There is so much discussion of baseball strategy and it’s soooo booorrrrring. This is the most useless film of all time. Who wanted this? Why was this released to theaters? The fact that this qualified for BMT puts our whole venture into question. We must forget this happened. Trash this one. Junk it.

Hot Take Clam Bake! I’m gonna go out on a limb and say Gus would take the Twins job. This was a dude trying to pull a “frozen ball” trick in Class A+. He was no where near playing seriously anymore and had no managing experience. The fact that he is called on to manage a AAA team is a miracle. The fact that his team pulls another miracle and beats the Twins should let him know that it’s A-OK to take the money and hightail it to the majors. Once he’s a Major League manager he is set. Huge mistake. HUGE. Hot Take Temperature: A Minnesota summer.

Patrick?

Patrick

‘Ello everyone! *gif of me sitting in Twins Stadium very confused as to why the team is playing a Minor League team and people give a shit about an exhibition game* Let’s go!

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOF

This film is rough.

Check out the Major League II recap to learn about the delight that is Major League.

Alright, where to even begin. I suppose I should start with the good. There isn’t much. I enjoyed seeing a young Walter Goggins. And I liked the dumb ways they decided to bring people back even though the main character is a totally different person and the team isn’t even in the same system as the other films so that doesn’t even make a lick of sense.

The bad. I mean, the movie makes no sense. We are talking about minor league baseball here. No one cares about this. The idea that a minor league team goes on a tear and people are all jazzed up about it is nuts.

Equally nutty is the fact that people in Minnesota seem to care about the Twins (heyyyyyyooooooooooo). But for real, the idea that a sports fanbase would hate their coach so much they would actively root for their own farm team in a meaningless exhibition and like cheer the coach on in a restaurant. I lived through the Bobby Valentine era of the Red Sox and you’d just check out.

So mainly the bad is that the film is just incredibly dumb and nonsensical. It is a very light watch, but not one I would repeat.

So no I don’t really think it is a very BMT film. The second is. This is just the death throws of a series trying to figure out if a trilogy is even possible.

I’m still going to throw a Setting as a Character (Where?) for Minnesota here, I have no idea why they changed the team up except probably so they could play the final game in the Metrodome. Again a Worst Twist (How?) for the totally out of nowhere result that the good guys win and the bad guys lose. The film is Bad.

I assume we’ll learn all about Minor League baseball in the Quiz. Cheerios,

The Sklogs

Major League II Recap

Jamie

I was just thinking the other day how infrequently I rewatch movies. If you look at films made from 2010 onwards I think I’ve only seen four or five more than once. This of course is totally different from the heyday of Comedy Central. I watched Major League and Major League II so many times that they legit melded into one three and a half hour movie in my head. Tanaka is in Major League as far as my brain is concerned. How did Jake both bunt to win the pennant and coach the ALCS? Parkman was the bad guy in both films, right? RIGHT?! This is just a byproduct of how we consume movies and how you can pretty much watch everything you want at the push of a button. Is that better? I can only assume so since if I grew up now I wouldn’t have watched Major League II a million times.

To recap, Wild Thang is back, Jack! What’s that? Wild Thing wasn’t really the main character of the first film? That’s true, but we need the young blood to take over as a romantic lead (wolf whistle, wolf whistle). It’s a new year and lucky for us viewers the team is back to their hilarious, hapless ways. Pedro is now a Buddhist. Willie Mays Hayes is an action star and wants to be a power hitter (not to mention having some botched plastic surgery that has left him looking like a totally different person). Wild Thing has a publicist GF that has him concerned about his bad boy image. Worst of all Jake Taylor is even older and being replaced by his nemesis Jack Parkman and a loveable dummy Rube. After the team is sold to former player Roger Dorn (ha!) they tell Jake he’s going to stay on as a coach. Things… they don’t go well. Parkman is almost immediately dugout poison and is traded for a Japanese player named Tanaka. Dorn, since it’s laughable he was able to buy a team in the first place, immediately has to sell it back to Rachel Phelps from the first movie. Again threatening to move the team (seriously?) the coach Lou has a heart attack and Jake has to take over. Things hit rock bottom with a big fight, which in turn sparks passion and a hot streak that takes them back to the postseason. Meanwhile Vaughn struggles with his uptight GF and a previously unmentioned ex-GF who liked his bad boy energy. In Game 7 of the ALCS, Vaughn is called out from the bullpen having regained his edge and smokes Parkman to win… presumably to lose in the World Series. THE END.

It’s amazing how many of the iconic Major League things I remember from my youth actually come from this, to be perfectly frank, much much worse sequel. So it has a lot of moments to remember, for sure. It just pales in comparison to the first film, which on rewatch is kind of perfect. It feels so authentic in its baseball team comedy kind of way. Rated R… is that for violence or nudity or anything? No. Not even the slightest. It’s simply because a bunch of ball players are talking like ball players. It’s kind of amazing. The second one just kind of sucks from the jump. Of course this is in part because they try to recapture the magic of the first film, but it feels like they ended up shrugging their shoulders. How do you take a team that just went to the ALCS and make it seem plausible they now suck again and might move? Any and every way possible. Doesn’t matter how hackneyed.They also made the movie PG! It’s insane. At one point Wild Thing (Wild Thing!) asks his ex-GF out to talk and they go on a pizza date. Are they 15? It’s a kids movie. It has no marbles.

Hot Take Clam Bake! While it may seem that I denigrated pizza right there by implying that I didn’t want a za date in my movie, that is wrong! I love pizza! In fact I’ll go a step further and say unequivocally that pizza… it’s good. I know, I know. Hot take. But it’s true. Bread. Tomato sauce, Cheese. A variety of toppings. Good. Tasty. I enjoy it. But also, wholesome. I enjoy eating za with my family on a Sunday night. If Rick Vaughn aka Wild Thing busted into my living room asking for some of that za I might be concerned. He’s a bad boy. He might punch me. He might eat all the za. He might, in fact, engage in a variety of not-very-PG behavior. Might be downright R-rated. You see where I’m going with this? Pizza: good. Pizza and Rick Vaughn aka Wild Thing: not good. Hot Take Temperature: A piping hot slice of za.

Patrick?

Patrick

‘Ello everyone! *gif of me walking out the door to BMTHQ while Wild Thing plays on blast and everyone cheers, I’m back baby!* Let’s go!

Here’s the thing … Major League is a very fun film, and an incredible cable film from the 90s. It played over 100 times on television and I’ve probably seen bits and pieces of the first a dozen times. It is fun and dumb and sure a bit racist but still fun. It just harkens back to a time when baseball was important you know?

The second one … well. Let’s start with the good. Berenger is fun. Uh, it is like one of those sequels which is just identical to the original. That was a very very 90s thing that is somewhat fun to revisit. That’s the good

The bad? Well, the film is somehow even more racist than the first! Specifically there is now a Japanese player which is hanging with Haysbert which is pretty startling to see in 2024. I actually wonder, is the character just a response to Japanese players entering the MLB? Or is it some knock-on effect of the general fear of the Japanese takeover that was still reverberating through Hollywood scripts or something? Who knows.

And then the entire thing is also inevitable, but with no tension since you know the eeeeeeeevil baseball player has to be defeated in the end.

Did I mention that Charlie Sheen’s character tries to go straight throughout the film much to his dirtbag fanbase’s chagrin. And he has an embarrassing apartment, a whole girlfriend character we’ve never met before, and a rehashed storyline whereby he wants to save his career by throwing changeups and shit.

The film is genuinely very bad … but in a pretty amusing way. Outside of the racism. That isn’t amusing.

In the end then yeah, I think this is a pretty entertainingly bad film. And it is nice that we are working through our baseball bad movies. Actually … I’m going to check that.

So yeah, I don’t really count the baseball keyword from IMDb (but like … I’m looking at you Hook). But even just looking at the wikipedia we have a few left. How Do You Know from 2010, in which someone gets cut from the Softball Olympic Team. The Scout, The Fan, Mr. Baseball, The Slugger’s Wife, Little Big League, Brewster’s Millions, Mr. Destiny, Taking Care of Business, Stealing Home, and The Final Season. Jesus, we have a lot of baseball films left.

There is an actual in-movie Product Placement (What?) for Right Guard that Charlie Sheen is in. Obviously, still a Setting as a Character (Where?) for the always hapless Cleveland, Ohio. And, sure a Worst Twist (How?) for the obvious result that the team unexpectedly makes the World Series in the end. This film is hilariously BMT IMO, just aggravatingly weird dumb.

Learn all about Celeveland and sports in the Quiz I assume. Cheerios,

The Sklogs

Major League: Back to the Minors Quiz

Oh man, I guess I’m going to have to learn about minor league baseball … that sounds like no fun if I’m being honest. Let’s go!

Pop Quiz Hot Shot!

1) The film’s finale takes place in the Hubert H. Humphrey Metrodome. For whom was Hubert Humphrey vice-president?

2) The first film was written by David S. Ward, and he is still talking about making a proper third film and banishing this one to the Phantom Zone. Ward was nominated for two films. One, a caper film from 1973, and the other a romantic comedy from 1993. Name either.

3) Minor League baseball. We’ve seen a film about Minor League Baseball (kind of, Summer League Baseball really). Summer Catch with Freddie Prinze Jr. What league did they play in in that film?

4) The song Turning Japanese by the Vapors featured heavily in the film. It also features in another film starring Chris Farely. Can you name that film?

5) Walter Goggins played Billy ‘Downtown’ Anderson in the film. He has also been nominated for two Emmys. One for Justified. And another more recently for a popular television show based on a video game. Name that show/video game.

Bonus NYTimes Listing Question: Going up against Back to the Minors’ primetime debut was this sequel. The original, in a funny connection, starred Tom Berenger. What is the original film called?

Answers

Major League II Quiz

Sports right? I’m definitely going to learn about sports. Let’s go!

Pop Quiz Hot Shot!

1) Well, we’ll get to sports. First, in a fun reference there is a business in the film called Emilio’s [BLANK] Service, named after an Emilio Estevez and Harry Dean Stanton movie. What word fills in the blank?

2) Alex Cox directed Repo Man, and also the film Walker about William Walker, the famous … filibuster? Turns out that is a name given to people during the Manifest Destiny era of the United States who went into neighboring countries and established colonies in preparation for annexation. Walker was notably the president of what country for a brief time?

3) Wild Thing was listed as number 257 on Rolling Stone’s 500 Greatest Songs of All Time in 2004. Who performed the most famous rendition of this song?

4) The Cleveland Indians are now the Cleveland Guardians. What are they named after?

5) And further, the Cleveland Guardians were originally the Grand Rapids Rustlers. Between 1900 and 1914 the team was the Cleveland [BLANK], name any one of the four other names (not Indians or Guardians) the team took on during that period.

Bonus NYTimes Listing Question: On March 4th, 1995, Major League II premiered primetime on HBO. At the same time, on channel 55, this film played:

What is that film?

Answers

Major League: Back to the Minors Preview

Patrick scans the crowd of BMTverse denizens that surrounded him in The Waste, all ready to send him on whatever ludicrous adventure they had in mind. Stonewall Jackson? Nah. Pistachio Disguisey? Definitely not. The Punisher? He shakes his head. Suddenly, far in the back he finds what he’s looking for. “You!” Patrick yells, pointing at Freddie Prinze Jr. “Which one are you?” he asks seriously. “My name’s Ryan Dunne and I seem to have lost my stuff. If you could just…’ At this point Patrick cuts him off. “Great, perfect. You got your glove and a ball? Great, nice.” He moves people out of the way and stands approximately 60 feet from FPJ. “The best way to get back your stuff is to believe in yourself. It’s been inside you the whole time, etc. etc.” At that, Patrick bends over, still looking at FPJ. “Now show me what you got,” Patrick says, waggling his head at the ready for a fastball directly to his dome. FPJ shrugs his shoulders and despite some questionable mechanics delivers a strike that knocks Patrick on his ass.

Patrick awakens and as his vision clears he’s shocked to see the marquee of the wildlife theater come back into view. Cobra is now properly playing, but that’s not the shocking part. Below that are the words “Cobra 2: Crimedemic, World Premier!” He turns to Kyle and asks whether he’s still dreaming. Kyle shakes his head and pats him on the back. “You were glorious,” he assures Patrick without elaborating on how exactly he helped make this a reality. The owner of the theater rushes up to him and pumps his hand enthusiastically. “We made it. My little theater has finally made the major leagues thanks to you and, of course, your best friend Sly Stallone.” That’s right! We are going back to back again, Jack. Major League is one of the best sports comedies of all time. Major League II is not. Major League: Back to the Minors is… also not. Let’s go!

Major League: Back to the Minors (1998) – BMeTric: 52.3; Notability: 41

StreetCreditReport.com – BMeTric: top 4.0%; Notability: top 14.8%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 18.4%; Higher BMeT: The Avengers, 3 Ninjas: High Noon at Mega Mountain, Species II, I Still Know What You Did Last Summer, The Patriot, Lost in Space, Knock Off, Holy Man, Ringmaster, Godzilla; Higher Notability: Godzilla, Lost in Space, 54, Deep Rising, Soldier, Patch Adams, U.S. Marshals, Mercury Rising, Jack Frost, Great Expectations, Senseless, My Giant, Practical Magic, Mafia!, The Avengers, Species II, The Waterboy, The Replacement Killers, Phantoms, Wrongfully Accused, and 17 more; Lower RT: 3 Ninjas: High Noon at Mega Mountain, A Murder of Crows, The Curve, Lulu on the Bridge, The Avengers, Almost Heroes, Tarzan and the Lost City, Senseless, Strangeland, I Still Know What You Did Last Summer, Species II, Phantoms, Knock Off, Woo, Meet the Deedles, A Night at the Roxbury, The Proposition, Firestorm, Holy Man, Hush, and 25 more; Notes: Played 23 times on cable in the 90s. Ridiculous. If you look at all of the higher BMeT films, that is actually quite high (tied with The Avengers for the most). We are also 12 of 15 for those films for BMT which is amazing. We really have crushed the late 90s. Holy Man is the big blind spot really, Ringmaster and the 3 Ninjas sequels are kind of not movies.

Variety – This third outing in the “Major League” series, which opened unceremoniously without press screenings, won’t set any box office records.

(My god! I wonder how many of the BMT films we’ve done didn’t do press screenings. That would be something that is probably impossible to figure out.)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o6-wczHGRHk/

(Jesus, the baseball trill at the beginning is so loud! I don’t get this film. Remember that film that you liked? And the sequel you … tolerated. This is a totally different team with all the most aggravating characters being the only ones we brought back.)

Directors – John Warren – ( BMT: Major League: Back to the Minors; Notes: Oh wow, he directed and wrote the very early Pauly Shore film The Curse of the Inferno. How wild. Played like 10 times on television too improbably.)

Writers – David S. Ward – ( Known For: The Sting; Sleepless in Seattle; Major League; The Program; The Milagro Beanfield War; Cannery Row; I’ll Find You; Steelyard Blues; Saving Grace; Future BMT: Flyboys; King Ralph; The Sting II; BMT: Major League II; Major League: Back to the Minors; Notes: This would just be for the characters I imagine from the originals. The Program is a wild film which I will be watching soon. Remember all the controversy surrounding that? Read about it.)

John Warren – ( Known For: Naked in New York; Flashfire; Girl in the Cadillac; BMT: Major League: Back to the Minors; Notes: Flashfire starring Billy Zane with Harry. I genuinely kind of watch to watch it, it is probably terrible enough to be a friend.)

Actors – Scott Bakula – ( Known For: American Beauty; Source Code; The Informant!; Life as a House; Behind the Candelabra; Lord of Illusions; Cats Don’t Dance; Geography Club; My Family/Mi familia; Elsa & Fred; The Captains; Basmati Blues; Summertime; Me Him Her; Divinity; Enter the Dangerous Mind; A Passion to Kill; Future BMT: Necessary Roughness; Sibling Rivalry; BMT: Color of Night; Major League: Back to the Minors; Notes: Nominated for five Emmys, four times for Quantum Leap, and for Behind the Candelabra. Again, I genuinely kind of want to watch A Passion to Kill, a weirdo obscure 90s thriller.)

Corbin Bernsen – ( Known For: Kiss Kiss Bang Bang; Major League; The Big Year; King Kong; The Hating Game; Lay the Favorite; The Dentist; The Great White Hype; Tales from the Hood; S.O.B.; The Dentist 2; Suing the Devil; Clambake; Disorganized Crime; Dead Air; Left Behind: Rise of the Antichrist; Sunrise in Heaven; Christian Mingle; Three the Hard Way; Roe v. Wade; Future BMT: Shattered; Radioland Murders; Hello Again; BMT: Major League II; Major League: Back to the Minors; Notes: All of his future BMT are lame, but like … The Dentist series will have to be done in some capacity at some point. The Franchise Man demands it.)

Dennis Haysbert – ( Known For: Heat; Wreck-It Ralph; Kung Fu Panda 2; Ted 2; Jarhead; Sin City: A Dame to Kill For; Mr. Peabody & Sherman; Major League; Breach; Absolute Power; Sinbad: Legend of the Seven Seas; Far from Heaven; Chip ‘n Dale: Rescue Rangers; No Exit; Dear White People; Love & Basketball; Secret Obsession; Naked; Kodachrome; Experimenter; Future BMT: The Thirteenth Floor; Men, Women & Children; Think Like a Man Too; Playing with Fire; Mr. Baseball; Summer Camp; BMT: The Dark Tower; Fist Fight; Major League II; Random Hearts; Navy Seals; Major League: Back to the Minors; Notes: I’m surprised he wasn’t nominated even once for 24, the second season would have made a lot of sense. And wow, he was also in Mr. Baseball. So into baseball.)

Budget/Gross – $18 million / Domestic: $3,572,443 (Worldwide: $3,572,443)

(That is hilariously low, but not surprising. I remember renting this from All-Star Video. I suppose as a kid I watched the first two on television, and then this came out and I was like yes yes yes …. No! That’s my reaction when I watch it finally.)

Rotten Tomatoes – 22% (4/18)

(Wow, way higher than the second. Let’s see about a consensus: Dull and unwatchable. An ignominious end to an already dumb series.)

Reviewer Highlight: Yogi, it’s deja vu all over again.

Poster – Majorly Ugh: We’re Back, Jack!

(Honestly better than the second one. I’m not as embarrassed for this poster because they (rightfully) went back to the basics. That font on “Back to the Minors” though is unfortunate. I believe it is meant to convey that this isn’t your daddy’s Major League. C+)

Tagline(s) – They’re Just Nine Players Short of a Dream Team (A)

(Ha! It’s long but I feel like it can only lose the “Just” so I just have to admit defeat. This is a god damn masterpiece. I’m still chuckling about it! A tagline! Beautiful.)

Keyword(s) – 1991-1999

Top 10: Home Alone 2: Lost in New York (1992), Hook (1991), Batman & Robin (1997), Batman Forever (1995), Big Daddy (1999), Ace Ventura: When Nature Calls (1995), Godzilla (1998), Event Horizon (1997), Demolition Man (1993), The Bone Collector (1999)

Future BMT: 86.8 Street Fighter (1994), 83.0 Inspector Gadget (1999), 79.3 Home Alone 3 (1997), 75.5 Look Who’s Talking Now (1993), 74.9 Junior (1994), 72.4 The Next Karate Kid (1994), 71.9 Mr. Magoo (1997), 68.1 The Crow: City of Angels (1996), 67.2 Turbo: A Power Rangers Movie (1997), 67.1 Mr. Nanny (1993), 63.5 Showgirls (1995), 61.8 Pet Sematary II (1992), 61.6 Cop & ½ (1993), 61.2 Beethoven’s 2nd (1993), 60.5 The Mangler (1995), 60.1 Spawn (1997), 59.9 Children of the Corn II: The Final Sacrifice (1992), 59.6 Jury Duty (1995), 59.0 Suburban Commando (1991), 58.2 Child’s Play 3 (1991)

BMT: Batman & Robin (1997), Mortal Kombat: Annihilation (1997), Speed 2: Cruise Control (1997), The Avengers (1998), Baby Geniuses (1999), Spice World (1997), Barb Wire (1996), Kazaam (1996), Super Mario Bros. (1993), RoboCop 3 (1993), Highlander II: The Quickening (1991), Jason Goes to Hell (1993), Universal Soldier: The Return (1999), Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot (1992), Steel (1997), Bio-Dome (1996), Striptease (1996), Species II (1998), Freddy’s Dead: The Final Nightmare (1991), The Island of Dr. Moreau (1996), I Still Know What You Did Last Summer (1998), Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers (1995), Wild Wild West (1999), Double Dragon (1994), Anaconda (1997), It’s Pat: The Movie (1994), Lawnmower Man 2: Beyond Cyberspace (1995), Cool as Ice (1991), Wing Commander (1999), Highlander: The Final Dimension (1994), On Deadly Ground (1994), Dudley Do-Right (1999), Double Team (1997), Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III (1993), Vampire in Brooklyn (1995), The Flintstones (1994), The Haunting (1999), Leprechaun (1993), Bats (1999), Fair Game (1995), Cool World (1992), North (1994), Body of Evidence (1993), Problem Child 2 (1991), …

Best Options (franchise): 79.3 Home Alone 3 (1997), 75.5 Look Who’s Talking Now (1993), 72.4 The Next Karate Kid (1994), 68.1 The Crow: City of Angels (1996), 67.2 Turbo: A Power Rangers Movie (1997), 61.2 Beethoven’s 2nd (1993), 60.5 The Mangler (1995), 59.9 Children of the Corn II: The Final Sacrifice (1992), 58.2 Child’s Play 3 (1991), 57.2 3 Ninjas Kick Back (1994), 56.1 Son of the Pink Panther (1993), 52.3 Mighty Morphin Power Rangers (1995), 52.3 Major League: Back to the Minors (1998), …

(Someday we’ll smash out some Mighty Morphin Power Rangers and it will be … well not glorious, but it’ll be something. The first was one of the first films we watched in theaters as a kid. The first was Hook. I fell asleep.)

Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 15) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Dennis Haysbert is No. 3 billed in Major League: Back to the Minors and No. 5 billed in Random Hearts, which also stars Harrison Ford (No. 1 billed) who is in Hollywood Homicide (No. 1 billed) which also stars Josh Hartnett (No. 2 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 3 billed) => (3 + 5) + (1 + 1) + (2 + 3) = 15. If we were to watch Necessary Roughness, and The Glass House we can get the HoE Number down to 14.

Notes – Roger Dorn (Bernsen), Pedro Cerrano (Haysbert), Duke Temple (Yeager) and Harry Doyle (Uecker) are the only characters to appear in all three films in the Major League series.

In Roger Dorn’s Minnesota Twins owner suite, a number 4 Lou Collins jersey hangs in a case, a reference to Timothy Busfield’s character in Little Big League (1994).

Shot in early October in Charleston, South Carolina, 1997, during an unseasonably cool fall. All of the night scenes were made to look as though the games were being played during hot mid-summer nights, when in actuality, temperatures dipped into the 30’s.

The “South Carolina Buzz” were actually the Salt Lake Buzz – which was the Pacific Coast League farm team of the Minnesota Twins. Formerly the Portland Beavers, the franchise moved to Utah in 1994 and had 7 straight winning seasons. In 2001, the team became part of the Anaheim Angels organization under the name Salt Lake Stingers. Both team were named in honor of the Salt Lake Bees, who originally played in SLC on and off from 1915 to 1970. Since 2006, the team is once again called the Salt Lake Bees.

During a Milwaukee Brewers broadcast, Bob Uecker once talked about this film to his partner in the booth and asked him is he’d seen it. When the partner said he hadn’t, Uecker told him “Well don’t. That movie was so bad that it opened in airplanes the week we finished it.”

Major League II Preview

Major League II (1994) – BMeTric: 42.5; Notability: 51

StreetCreditReport.com – BMeTric: top 12.8%; Notability: top 8.4%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 4.1%; Higher BMeT: Police Academy: Mission to Moscow, Street Fighter, Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Next Generation, Junior, The Next Karate Kid, It’s Pat: The Movie, Double Dragon, On Deadly Ground, The Flintstones, North, The Fantastic Four, Leprechaun 2, 3 Ninjas Kick Back, Exit to Eden, In the Army Now, Color of Night, Car 54, Where Are You?, Richie Rich, Beverly Hills Cop III, Blank Check, and 12 more; Higher Notability: The Flintstones, Wyatt Earp, The Shadow, Beverly Hills Cop III, Ready to Wear, Love Affair, North, Radioland Murders, The Pagemaster, I Love Trouble, On Deadly Ground, Exit to Eden, Street Fighter, The Scout, Drop Zone, Blown Away, Speechless, Junior, D2: The Mighty Ducks, Baby’s Day Out, and 1 more; Lower RT: Police Academy: Mission to Moscow, It’s Pat: The Movie, Death Wish: The Face of Death, Wagons East, The Silence of the Hams, House Party 3, Car 54, Where Are You?, Holy Matrimony, Getting Even with Dad, A Low Down Dirty Shame; Notes: Major League II was shown 67 times in the 90s, that’s pretty crazy. Compare that to 52 to Police Academy: Mission to Moscow, 6 for Street Fighter, and 10 for Texas Chainsaw: The Next Generation. This is definitely a huuuuuuuuuge cable film around the time. You best belieb we’ve watched Silence of the Hams as well … on VHS. It is exclusive to VHS. Man, 1994 was a wild time.

RogerEbert.com – 1.5 stars – Fans of “Major League” (1989) may want to see “Major League II.” I did not see the first film and am not in that category. Nor is there anything in “Major League II” that inspires me to go back and catch up on the earlier film. … There’s one bright spot: On the basis of this dismal attempt, the team will probably not be back next season.

(Ha! Wrong on that count. I can’t believe he didn’t see the first. It is a good film though, so I wonder if he ever did. There still isn’t a review of the original on the website.)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QGnW5gh4WZE/

(Hahaha, the voice over. The number of people they replaced is sunny. Honestly Epps is arguably better than Snipes. But making the dumb fans a bigger deal with Randy Quaid is one of the many mistakes this film makes.)

Directors – David S. Ward – ( Known For: Major League; The Program; Cannery Row; Future BMT: Down Periscope; King Ralph; BMT: Major League II; Notes: Man, should I read Cannery Row? Steinbeck. Tempting. All of his directorial efforts were huge 90s television hits.)

Writers – David S. Ward – ( Known For: The Sting; Sleepless in Seattle; Major League; The Program; The Milagro Beanfield War; Cannery Row; I’ll Find You; Steelyard Blues; Saving Grace; Future BMT: Flyboys; King Ralph; The Sting II; BMT: Major League II; Major League: Back to the Minors; Notes: He won the Oscar for The Sting, and was nominated for Sleepless in Seattle. King Ralph, we are coming for you.)

R.J. Stewart – ( Known For: The Rundown; And God Created Woman; BMT: Major League II; Notes: And God Created Woman seems like a ridiculous film. “Robin marries Billy to get out of jail” … how does that follow?)

Tom S. Parker and Jim Jennewein – ( Known For: Stay Tuned; Future BMT: Richie Rich; Getting Even with Dad; BMT: The Flintstones; Major League II; Notes: Stay Tuned is a wild wild film. And wait, Jeffery Jones was in that and Mom and Dad Save the World? Two ridiculous ideas.)

Actors – Charlie Sheen – ( Known For: Platoon; Ferris Bueller’s Day Off; Being John Malkovich; Wall Street; Hot Shots!; Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps; Hot Shots! Part Deux; Badlands; Major League; Young Guns; Red Dawn; The Arrival; Eight Men Out; The Chase; The Wraith; Lucas; Foodfight!; Beyond the Law; Good Advice; Cadence; Future BMT: Due Date; Scary Movie 3; Scary Movie 4; Machete Kills; The Three Musketeers; Loaded Weapon 1; Money Talks; The Rookie; Men at Work; The Big Bounce; Madea’s Witness Protection; All Dogs Go to Heaven 2; Shadow Conspiracy; BMT: Scary Movie V; Major League II; Navy Seals; Terminal Velocity; Notes: Nominated for four Emmys all for Two and a Half Men. Cadence. A real film starring Charlie and Martin Sheen that played on television 66 times in the 90s.)

Tom Berenger – ( Known For: Inception; Training Day; Platoon; Born on the Fourth of July; Faster; Major League; The Big Chill; Gettysburg; Eye See You; The Substitute; Shoot to Kill; The Sentinel; Brake; Someone to Watch Over Me; The Gingerbread Man; The Dogs of War; Bad Country; A Murder of Crows; Looking for Mr. Goodbar; Eddie and the Cruisers; Future BMT: Sniper; Shattered; Chasers; Betrayed; Rustlers’ Rhapsody; BMT: Sliver; Major League II; Notes: Nominated for an Oscar for Platoon. I just watched him in Fear City. His hair was incredible, but not enough Billy Dee Williams.)

Corbin Bernsen – ( Known For: Kiss Kiss Bang Bang; Major League; The Big Year; King Kong; The Hating Game; Lay the Favorite; The Dentist; The Great White Hype; Tales from the Hood; S.O.B.; The Dentist 2; Suing the Devil; Clambake; Disorganized Crime; Dead Air; Left Behind: Rise of the Antichrist; Sunrise in Heaven; Christian Mingle; Three the Hard Way; Roe v. Wade; Future BMT: Shattered; Radioland Murders; Hello Again; BMT: Major League II; Major League: Back to the Minors; Notes: Nominated for two Emmys for L.A. Law. He really was in some junk in the 90s. Like Aurora: Operation Intercept … what is that? Played 16 times on television, so it was a real film people could have watched.)

Budget/Gross – $25 million / Domestic: $30,626,182 (Worldwide: $30,626,182)

(That is terrible. Like … really terrible. The only odd thing is Major League only made $50 million. How did it become such a phenomenon. I would have definitely guessed it was one of those $100 million comedies of the 90s.)

Rotten Tomatoes – 5% (1/21): Striking out on every joke, Major League II is a lazy sequel that belongs on the bench.

(My god that is low. I’m not surprised. The film is genuinely quite racist and weird. It isn’t funny, and is just annoying. I guess I’m saying that the percentage makes sense.)

Reviewer Highlight: Baseball’s wild bunch from Cleveland take the field again. Plods ahead with cliches. Pleasantly predictable. – New York Times listings

Poster – Majorly Ugh 2

(I’m actually embarrassed for this poster. At least it’s got that beautiful, beautiful font and crazy baseball mascot. C)

Tagline(s) – The dream team is back! (F)

(Nooooooooooooo! The dream team is back?! Nooooooooooo! I seriously would have given it a D if they added a “Jack” to the end.)

Keyword(s) – 1991-1999

(This is a bonus. Back to the Minors is the actual choice and is pretty solid. 50+. We did consider Children of the Corn at one point.)

Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 16) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Dennis Haysbert is No. 4 billed in Major League II and No. 5 billed in Random Hearts, which also stars Harrison Ford (No. 1 billed) who is in Hollywood Homicide (No. 1 billed) which also stars Josh Hartnett (No. 2 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 3 billed) => (4 + 5) + (1 + 1) + (2 + 3) = 16. If we were to watch In Too Deep we can get the HoE Number down to 14.

Notes – Baker’s inability to throw the ball back to the pitcher was based on former New York Mets catcher Mackey Sasser. Sasser was very successful at throwing out runners attempting to steal second, but had a mental block causing him to flinch several times when trying to throw the ball back to the pitcher. Many baserunners took advantage of this affliction and stole bases while he was triple pumping his throw, and/or lollipopping the throw back.

While Camden Yards doubled as Cleveland Municipal Stadium, scenes depicting Indians road games were filmed mostly at nearby Baltimore Memorial Stadium.

The character Isuro Tanaka was something of an anomaly of that time. At the time of the film’s release, there were no Japanese players in the Major Leagues, and only one Japanese player had ever played (briefly) for a ML team. The influx of Japanese players in US Major League baseball didn’t begin until a few years after the film’s release.

Wesley Snipes wasn’t able to reprise his role of Willie Mays Hayes, and was replaced with Omar Epps

Kevin Hickey, who plays Indians pitcher Schoup, made his major debut in 1981 as a pitcher for the Chicago White Sox, the very team the fictional pitcher Schoup plays against in the film.

Saw III Recap

Jamie

A clue has appeared! Since I spent Saw II espousing the franchise’s place in Franchise Man lore, I’ll have a little fun with this intro and continue the (probably never ending) saga of me trying to figure out what film reminded me of the plot of Gothika. We can officially rule out Gothika itself! Why? Just check out a previous entry on a great website called BadMovieTwins.com. In the preview for The Animal (which was written a little late as usual on July 9th, 2023) I made the following statement: “Maybe Kevin James was a secret serial killer so it was OK that they kicked his head clean off. But it wasn’t the case. Kevin James was not a secret serial killer. He wasn’t even a secret serial killer who only killed serial killers. No, Kevin James was just a successful actor that people liked to watch.” This is clearly a riff on what I was reminded of in Gothika. That she got off scot free just because after the fact it was revealed that he was a terrible serial killer and everyone decided it was totally cool that she murdered her husband with an ax. So now I have an upper limit. I had thought maybe it was related to Exorcist III, but no way. I had never seen that film at the time… what is it?! Gah!

To recap, Saw is back, Jack! And boy is he… playing even more games. But it seems like there are some games out there that are impossible to escape. That’s not Jigsaw’s way. His way is to make it only 99.9% impossible. Hmmmm.At the same time a doctor is captured and is told that she has to take care of Jigsaw. He’s basically donzo because of that brain tumor he keeps going on about. She had to keep him alive or her head will explode. He really just needs one last guy to go through his game. It’s Jeff, a grief stricken dad that is obsessed with vengeance. No good! Gotta get over that and appreciate life. In his game he is continually confronting the people that played some role in the death of his son. Instead of helping these people immediately he hems and haws and Jigsaw is like “told you so.” But slowly he gets his groove back even though Jigsaw’s games are dumb and keep killing the people he’s forgiven. In a final twist-em-up it’s revealed that his whole plan was really a test for Jigsaw’s apprentice Amanda, who has been rigging the games. She shoots Lynn, but is then shot by Jeff as he complete’s his game. Turns out he’s Lynn’s husband. Jigsaw is like “you get it, bro?” and Jeff is like nah, and slices his throat. As John dies the room is sealed and it’s revealed he also captured Jeff’s daughter and so… that’s a bummer. THE END.

Pretty much everything about the second film goes for the third as well. These are bad movies, but I also understand why fans enjoy and appreciate them. They cracked a formula. I just wish the franchise that was getting sequel after sequel in the 21st century wasn’t Saw, but rather Friday the 13th. That’s just a more fun franchise. My biggest issue with the later entries in the series is that they do seem a bit excessive in just how stupid the traps are. First of all many of them simply do not give the victim enough time. It’s like “Yank off all your fingers in 25 seconds or you DIE.” Even if the victim was super gung ho about ripping fingers there would be no chance. Second of all everything is just far too painful. I would just accept death. Dig into my eye for a key in the next minute or I die? How about no time limit. How about I eventually dig into my eye for the key and we’re cool. Otherwise it just isn’t worth it. I’d rather die without having dug into my eye because the time limit gives me almost no shot. So it does start to strain credulity. But I guess I should at least answer which is the better of the films, the second or the third… I think it’s the second, although the ending of the third is better just because it’s just crazy enough to work on me. I just can’t forgive how stupid, predictable and poorly acted the third one is.

Hot Take Clam Bake! I do not for a single second buy that Amanda is the only known survivor of Jigsaw. First of all, all the traps are dumb and basically inescapable. Second of all, what about the first Saw? The doctor left the room… I don’t recall ever finding out that he bled to death or tripped and fell down some stairs or something. The real point is that unless Jigsaw made her trap the only escapable trap then someone else would have gotten the gumption up to survive. And as well all know if you survive you are so grateful that you become enamored by the old dying guy who trapped you in the first place and become his apprentice. It’s the law. So he obviously rigged her trap so she survived because he wanted her as an apprentice and not a thousand other dumb apprentices along with her. Hot Take Temperature: A scalding hot cup of tea that contains piranhas with a thousand keys in their stomachs, but only one unlocks the beartrap on your head. You have 37 seconds.

Patrick?

Patrick

‘Ello everyone! Saw her? I never even knew her! It’s Saw III. Let’s go!

Oh boy, now this is the Saw I know and hate.

Straight up, this movie makes no sense. Pointedly a lot of the traps are not intended to be solvable, that is the whole issue Jigsaw has with his replacement, but even the traps that are meant to be solvable the guy just waffles around and then either fails or barely gets by them! It is nuts. Let’s cover people with pig guts. Let’s twist people’s arms and legs until they break. Let’s freeze a fully nude woman. These are the good traps. You heard that right, those are the GOOD Jigsaw approved traps. The woman made those traps and Jigsaw was like “that’s more like it, good job.” Horrible. Strike one: these puzzles are dumb as shit.

The style of the Saw films are a little like flop house chic. A real deal Derelict featuring Derek Zoolander. Remember when there was a time where people were totally into people living in squalor. Like that was considered cool? Se7en remembers. Fight Club remembers. The Torture Porn genre really was the last hurrah for that style I feel like. Strike two: this movie looks like crap.

As amazing as it is that Tobin Bell managed to break into the mainstream when he was 50, but I really don’t like Shawnee Smith in these films. Her character is necessary, but I do wish she was somehow more interesting. I suppose if you are going to be a lunatic you necessarily don’t have your shit together, but still, I would have expected better from a character who I imagine they thought they could at least try and anchor a sequel with. Strike three: Jigsaw is bad at recruiting.

So there we go three strikes and Saw is out. Pity we have to watch like ten more of these things.

Now this installment has a Worst Twist (How?) in the ultimate reveal that Angus Macfadyen, the guy who is in the main boobytrapped house, is the husband of the doctor who is kidnapped to “save” Jigsaw. Naturally, she has no real chance to save Jigsaw, just keep him alive long enough for Macfadyen to arrive and have to decide whether he should kill Jigsaw. He does, and so his wife dies. The End. This movie is closest to BMT, it is truly a horrible piece of garbage in the best sense of the word.

But what else can you learn from watching Saw III? Find out in the Quiz. Cheerios,

The Sklogs

Saw II Recap

Jamie

This is it. Peak Franchise Man. This is the film(s) that sparked the idea for this year-long cycle. We were like “we should start a bunch of franchises we never got around to.” We may as well have said, “let’s watch Saw II & III.” Saw is more or less the platonic ideal of a franchise for Franchise Man. It starts off with a bang. A film that busts through to the mainstream. Gets everyone clamoring for more Saw. So what do you do? Blair Witch looked at that and said, “What if we did Blair Witch but the exact opposite and everyone will hate it?” Saw looked at that and said, “What if we explode heads and rip people’s fingers off and also create a lore so deep that you could swim in it forever and never reach the bottom of the lore?” Guess which one Franchise Man is the most interested in? Saw! Let’s go!

To recap, Jigsaw just keeps on playing games. When the latest victim leads to a message addressed directly to Jigsaw expert Detective Matthews, he is quickly able to track down Jigsaw at an abandoned warehouse. He’s in for a TWISTED awakening, though, when Jigsaw reveals that Matthew’s son Daniel and a bunch of other people have all been trapped in a house slowly filling up with a deadly nerve agent. The game is afoot! A couple of the people are killed in elaborate traps (surprise, surprise) they also reveal some subtle connections to each other in that they all were arrested. Unbeknownst to them, though, they were actually all framed by Detective Matthews. Additionally, one of the people is Amanda, the only known survivor of Jigsaw (mmmmm, lore). They soon start going insane or dying in elaborate traps. One of them, Xavier, figures out that they all have numbers on the back of their necks that will together be a combination to an antidote, but before he can read all the numbers, Daniel kills him. Seeing all this going on through security cameras, Detective Matthews subdues Jigsaw and forces him to take him to the house. Meanwhile the police also are able to trace the video feed and realize that the house where everything happened is long abandoned and the whole game was a recording. At that point a pig masked figure jumps out and traps Detective Matthews. What a trap! Turns out it’s Amanda and she’s now Jigsaw’s apprentice (arrrrggghhhhhhhh, I’m quickening with the lore!). Back at the warehouse a timer goes off and a box opens, revealing Daniel there safe and sound. THE END.

The entire time I watched this movie I was like “This is so dumb. This is so bad. This is dumb and bad.” Somehow with a little distance I have a strange fondness for the silliness that is Saw. Some major horror franchises know what they are and hammer it over and over to the delight of fans and the hatred of critics. Friday the 13th is the classic. Paranormal activity is a recent example. Saw certainly does that. But beyond a meta appreciation for franchises as Franchise Man, I think it’s hard to argue the fact that these movies are silly, unnecessarily gorey, morally problematic nonsense. The acting is truly dire, to boot. These are films to appreciate, but not actually enjoy or like. I do not enjoy or like them, but I will gladly watch them because I’m Franchise Man.

Hot Take Clam Bake! Uh, Jigsaw is dead the whole time… no, that isn’t going to work. How about this? The police are helping Jigsaw. Not actively, just kind of letting him slide. Think about it, literally everyone he kills this time are people that Donnie Wahlberg framed to get them off the streetz. They are the riff raff that the police want gone from the streets of [insert city name that is definitely not Toronto]. Maybe he’s not such a genius after all. Maybe he’s a big ol’ dumbo and the police are like “oh boy, really got us again, Jigsaw. You’re so smart with all your plans and shit that we can’t figure out. Hope you don’t kill another person we totally care about.” Hot Take Temperature: A furnace that explodes if you don’t pull your eyelids off in the next seven seconds.

Patrick?

Patrick

‘Ello everyone! Who’s sawing the sawers? Wait … that’s not the phrase it is? It’s Saw II, Let’s go!

Ah the Saw franchise. As a host of my favorite podcast suggested, the people who try and catch up on the Saw franchise are really just trying to make their lives worse. He ain’t wrong!

Out of all the horror genres out there, the one I like the least is what is often referred to as Torture Porn. This falls into that definitively. But here’s the thing. I had only ever actually watched the original Saw. Otherwise the only other Torture Porn film I’ve seen in Hostel. So I don’t know … maybe Saw didn’t become true Torture Porn until later?

Nope. Well … it wasn’t as bad as I thought, but I do think you’d throw this into the Hostel bucket. I think I just have fully desensitized myself to most horror at this point. I imagine if I watched something truly brutal I would still get physically ill, but regardless, I managed to watch Saw II with little to no difficulty.

Ah, but the movie? Perhaps I thought it was actually kind of good like the original?

Nope, the acting is terrible, the plot is dumb, the traps are stupid, Jigsaw makes no sense, all the cops are stupid, this movie is dumb. The End.

But to be more exact with it, the issue with Saw to some extent is that the traps are often just really stupid. The survivor woman from the first had the easiest task of anyone. She had to kill another person and retrieve a key, that’s it. Most people have stupid traps like … pull out all your toenails, or walk through a football field of syringes or something. Like … borderline it is like, but that would maim me? My feet will never be the same. My desire to live while maimed isn’t the same as my desire to live. They touch on this a bit in the third film. Regardless, often, the traps only really work because people waffle too much or the trap itself is dumb. That, honestly, is the worst part of the franchise. I’m a puzzle guy and the idea that the puzzles often feel either too easy or too hard is frustrating.

In this case, the trap house is a little fun, even if Donnie Wahlberg Jr. isn’t really doing it for me as the ultimate twist. I do like how the film ends in the same place as the first, and the twist itself is actually not terrible. But still, the film sets up the franchise and hooooo doggy, it isn’t super impressive.

I’m going to be honest, I don’t think this film deserves any superlatives, not even for the twist. The twist is kind of good, and the rest don’t match up. You get nothing Saw II! This is closest to BMT I think, the film is genuinely poorly made and stupid and a good example of a bad example of Torture Porn.

So what are you going to learn from Saw II? Find out in the Quiz. Cheerios,

The Sklogs

Saw III Quiz

What’s that? We back jack? That’s right, I have to make a second Saw themed quiz because we also watched Saw III. Let’s go!

Pop Quiz Hot Shot!

1) In the third Saw film there is a whole big thing about how Jigsaw (Tobin Bell) is breaking his own rules since the traps were being set up without a way to survive. Detectives would say this broke his M.O. What does M.O. stand for?

2) The entirety of the film takes place in a meatpacking plant. Now … there is a famous book that exposed the horrid working conditions in Chicago’s meatpacking industry. What is that book, and who wrote it?

3) Saw III apparently use a bathroom set from Scary Movie 4 (a franchise directly spoofing Saw at the time). Simon Rex played George Logan in that series. Who played his brother Tom (mostly in Scary Movie 3, while ripping off Signs)?

4) Apparently, as part of the promotion for Saw III, there was a big blood drive. Blood types (ABO) were discovered by Karl Landsteiner for which he won the 1930 Nobel Prize in Medicine. In addition to the ABO designation there is also +/- which is referred to as what officially?

5) The soundtrack for Saw III features songs by many heavy metal bands including Slayer. Slayer is consider one of the four major bands of “thresh metal”. Name any of the other three.

Bonus NYTimes Listing Question: Crazily the third Chainsaw Massacre film played at 10PM on TMC on April 14, 1992. The lead in to that was this BMT classic:

What is this movie?

Answers