The Watchers Preview

Gothika was experiencing the hottest month of record in June of 1843, but Monsieur Planchet was cool as a cucumber given the success of his hog farm. “Oui!,” he cried, “Oui, oui.” He cooled himself using the gold coins kept in his treasury and even his hogs got ice in their troughs (and we know what the French think of freely available ice). One day, as he was enjoying his gold, his daughter Porcina came by to tell him some splendid news. She was getting married to Henri! “Henri!” Monsieur Planchet cried, “No, no.” He stamped his feet and criticized Henri’s hog farming abilities. Look at his arms: so puny. Look at his legs: too long. “No, no,” he cried again. But Procina was in love and that night she stole away with Henri and eloped. “No, no!” Monsieur Planchet cried and finding Henri he again explained about the arms and legs. Henri was insulted. “I shall be the best hog farmer in Grand Paris,” he shouted at Monsieur Planchet who let out an astonished “No.” Henri put a finger in his face and uttered one word: “Oui.” Later that year, just as the heat broke, Monsieur Planchet opened his copy of Hog Weekly and was astonished to find that his name was no longer at the top. Henri! And in record time! Monsieur Planchet stormed into Paris to confront Henri and in the ensuing scuffle Henri was knocked into the industrial sausage maker. Porcina, in her despair, cursed her father and hog farming as an occupation.  

After hearing the story, Patrick is led by the librarian to Henri’s old farm. Turns out that it is the very farm that Pierre had them working! The hairs stand up on his neck. Is it just him or are they being… watched. That’s right we are back in the BMT Live! Taking advantage of the latest film by M. Night Shyamalan… oh, hold up… actually no, this is by his daughter Ishana Night Shyamalan… uh oh. Let’s go!

The Watchers (2024) – BMeTric: 35.9; Notability: 18

StreetCreditReport.com – BMeTric: top 7.2%; Notability: top 4.4%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 19.1%; Higher BMeT: Madame Web, The American Society of Magical Negroes, Night Swim, Trigger Warning, The Strangers: Chapter 1, Tarot, Rebel Moon – Part Two: The Scargiver, Imaginary, Mother of the Bride, Megamind vs. The Doom Syndicate, Mea Culpa, Miller’s Girl, Lift, Atlas, A Family Affair, Argylle, Role Play, Damaged; Higher Notability: The Garfield Movie, Argylle, Back to Black, Madame Web, Lift, Rebel Moon – Part Two: The Scargiver, Atlas, A Family Affair, The Strangers: Chapter 1, Summer Camp, Lights Out; Lower RT: The Painter, Wanted Man, Summer Camp, Megamind vs. The Doom Syndicate, Air Force One Down, Not Another Church Movie, Madame Web, Mother of the Bride, Rebel Moon – Part Two: The Scargiver, Woody Woodpecker Goes to Camp, Mea Culpa, Breathe, Atlas, Tarot, Trigger Warning, Camp Pleasant Lake, Night Swim, Cash Out, The Strangers: Chapter 1, Imaginary, and 9 more; Notes: Yeah always tough with Lives to figure out what is up. The Notability will be tiny forever, but that BMeT is pretty good. I think we’ll have at least 10/12 top BMeT films by the time all is said and done.

RogerEbert.com – 2.0 stars – When it comes to kooky, creative thrillers, Shyamalan is practically a brand. Though M. Night is the present precedent for this surname, his daughter Ishana hopes to carry the torch into the next generation, making a name for herself in a similar genre. …  Shyamalan falters in picking between a fairytale and a horror story, and the film’s potential gets lost in her indecision. Though ideas and attempts at depth are present, they’re thin, and the film fails to stand its ground. “The Watchers” prompts curiosity that’s never entirely fulfilled, displaying a director who is ambitious but still very much at the foundational levels of her artistry.

(I’m actually a bit surprised this is a 2/4 star film based on this excerpt. It feels slightly lower. Just feels like the vibe is: fails to be interesting in any way … mid-tier. Reviewers need to remember what a bad film is. This is a bad film.)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dYo91Fq9tKY/

(Oh I hate the music. And yeah, this is just a classic Shyamalan film vibe. Looks pretty good, but just really thinking a lot of itself without earning it.)

Directors – Ishana Shyamalan – ( Known For: Old; BMT: The Watchers; Notes: For Old she was second unit obviously. The daughter of M. Night. Both of his daughters featured in films this year.)

Writers – Ishana Shyamalan – ( BMT: The Watchers; Notes: She also wrote a television series called The Servant which I’ve never heard of. Reading the description it also has that specific Twilight Zone / Shyamalan vibe to it.)

A.M. Shine – ( BMT: The Watchers; Notes: The author of the book this is based on.)

Actors – Dakota Fanning – ( Known For: Once Upon a Time… in Hollywood; War of the Worlds; Coraline; The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 2; The Twilight Saga: Eclipse; Ocean’s Eight; The Equalizer 3; The Runaways; Charlotte’s Web; Brimstone; Now Is Good; The Secret Life of Bees; American Pastoral; Night Moves; Very Good Girls; Please Stand By; Dreamer; Every Secret Thing; Winged Creatures; Nine Lives; Future BMT: Man on Fire; I Am Sam; Push; Hide and Seek; Uptown Girls; Trapped; Tomcats; BMT: The Twilight Saga: New Moon; Sweet Home Alabama; The Cat in the Hat; The Watchers; Notes: A famous child actor, I remember her specifically for War of the Worlds and Man on Fire. Spoiler: I thought she was terrible in this film, but then she’s nominated for an Emmy for Ripley this year, so go figure.)

Georgina Campbell – ( Known For: Barbarian; Bird Box: Barcelona; All My Friends Hate Me; T.I.M.; Lovely, Dark, and Deep; Future BMT: King Arthur: Legend of the Sword; BMT: The Watchers; Notes: I don’t really recognize her from anything. She’s British, and given she was in the Bird Box sequel I assume she’s fully plugged into the Netflix zone.)

Olwen Fouéré – ( Known For: The Northman; Mandy; Texas Chainsaw Massacre; This Must Be the Place; The Survivalist; Beast; Sea Fever; Space Truckers; Zone 414; She Will; Animals; Cult Killer; Joyride; Sunrise; The Sleep of Death; Future BMT: Fantastic Beasts: The Crimes of Grindelwald; Tarot; BMT: The Watchers; Notes: I think we’ll see her again in Tarot at the end of the year funny enough. She might also be the only actor from Ireland proper in the whole film? Even Oliver Finnegan seems like he’s British and either putting on the accent, or he’s from Northern Ireland, it is hard to tell.)

Budget/Gross – $30 million / Domestic: $19,024,487 (Worldwide: $51,224,487)

(That worldwide number isn’t too bad. I cannot figure out how this film would have cost $30 million though. M. Night usually is pretty good at keeping costs down since he tends to finance his own stuff at least in part. Maybe not the case with his daughter.)

Rotten Tomatoes – 32% (54/169): Heavy on eerie mood but undone by an obtuse script, The Watchers can only hold the gaze for so long before tedium sets in.

(Sounds about right. Given this is in the 30s I’m a bit surprised in retrospect that we chose to watch it, but we always get a bit skittish and we had a glut of Horror films available to us, so probably will end up being smart in the end.)

Reviewer Highlight: The Watchers is not nearly as cerebral; it’s less a political (or showbiz) allegory than a fable about our shared capacity for change. It’s a theme that’s ultimately addressed so plangently that it has the opposite effect and borders on goofiness… – Adam Nayman, The Ringer

Poster – Dem Peepers

(Cooooooool. This time I am being a bit ironic. It looks like a 2003 album cover for a nu metal band. In other words, super rad. C-)

Tagline(s) – Let Them See You (C-)

(Blessedly short, but without the context of the film this is totally meaningless. It’s just a line from the film.)

Keyword(s) – 2024-2024

Top 10: Dune: Part Two (2024), Road House (2024), Civil War (2024), Furiosa: A Mad Max Saga (2024), The Fall Guy (2024), The Beekeeper (2024), Damsel (2024), Godzilla x Kong: The New Empire (2024), Argylle (2024), Challengers (2024)

Future BMT: 67.5 The American Society of Magical Negroes (2024), 64.5 Night Swim (2024), 59.2 The Strangers: Chapter 1 (2024), 58.3 Tarot (2024), 57.5 Imaginary (2024), 30.3 The Exorcism (2024), 28.8 The Garfield Movie (2024), 21.0 Not Another Church Movie (2024), 16.8 Back to Black (2024), 10.5 Summer Camp (2024)

BMT: Madame Web (2024), Argylle (2024), The Watchers (2024)

Best Options (imdb-keyword-creature): 35.1 The Watchers (2024)

(Hooray, the only one! Realistically though you can look and see we still got Tarot and Night Swim available for horror, so it was good to smash one of these out.)

Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 15) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Dakota Fanning is No. 1 billed in The Watchers and No. 2 billed in The Cat in the Hat, which also stars Mike Myers (No. 1 billed) who is in The Love Guru (No. 1 billed) which also stars Jessica Alba (No. 2 billed) who is in Mechanic: Resurrection (No. 2 billed) which also stars Jason Statham (No. 1 billed) who is in In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale (No. 1 billed) which also stars Leelee Sobieski (No. 3 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 1 billed) => (1 + 2) + (1 + 1) + (2 + 2) + (1 + 1) + (3 + 1) = 15. If we were to watch Hide and Seek we can get the HoE Number down to 12.

Notes – Based on the book ‘The Watchers’ by A.M. Shine.

Originally titled as ‘The Watchers’, it was later changed to ‘The Watched’ in the UK and Ireland to avoid confusion with the Netflix series ‘The Watcher’.

Ishana Shyamalan’s directorial debut in a feature movie. She also directed some episodes of the series Servant.

Mina and her sister Lucy appear to have been named after the best friends from Bram Stoker’s Dracula.

This is the first film from New Line to debut the 2024 New Line Cinema logo with the fanfare.

Gothika Recap

Jamie

Having now watched Gothika, I can’t shake the feeling that I’ve seen this movie. The twist is kind of obvious so maybe that’s what I’m feeling. That I could so distinctly see where the story was going that I ended up concluding that I must have seen it before. Either that or there was a different BMT film so similar in its concept and twist that I ended up mistaking having watched that for Gothika. Yeah, that’s probably it… and yet. Every time I turn around I feel like Gothika was just there… watching me… biding its time. Waiting for the perfect moment. Ready to pop out and make me feel like I’ve seen a different movie… a future movie. It’s a never ending daisy chain of movies that I think I’ve seen because of the spooky-scariness of their generic plots and twists. Eerie.

To recap, Halle Berry is a psychiatrist at a women’s prison for those with psychiatric needs. She’s married to the head of the institution. One night during a storm she ends up almost hitting a girl in the street, but when she gets out to help she finds that that girl is on fire (and a gh-gh-ghost). Suddenly she wakes up to find that she’s confined to the jail because her husband was brutally murdered and literally everything points to her doing it (mostly because she did). Pretty much everyone, including her husband’s best friend Sheriff Ryan, is super pissed at her because what she did was, like… pretty uncool. Or was it? Because this ghost lady keeps coming back and letting her out of her cell and having her witness some guy brutally raping the women in the jail. So this ghost suddenly doesn’t seem so bad. The ghost helps her escape and Halle Berry heads back home where she regains her memory and remembers… committing the murder. Alright, that’s not great. Carefully considering how not great that is, Halle Berry then heads to a previously unmentioned creepy farmhouse that her husband owns to get more answers. I’m sure she won’t find anything unusual there… except maybe a dungeon! And a girl is still down there! She’s like “see, so I get to go free right?” and everyone else is like “what? No. You still murdered someone.” Back at the local jail she suddenly realizes that Sheriff Ryan has far too large a part in the film to just be a Sheriff and that he must have been in on it the whole time and was actually the guy brutally raping the women in jail! Oh no! Eventually Halle Berry subdues him and Halle Berry is set free for some reason and then becomes a ghost detective (only half joking). THE END.

Gothika is bad in a very traditional “We’re trying to make the next Sixth Sense” kind of way. Just misguided twists that end up compounding on each other, across space and time and other movies to the point where I feel like I’ve already watched the film… a movie with an objectively ridiculous plot is like “ho hum, obviously.” I liked the acting and I thought the atmosphere was good, but not much else. One thing that has really been bugging me is the sense that I’m not just recalling a similar movie, but that a specific aspect of the plot of Gothika was used before. So Halle Berry murders her husband, right? No doubt about it, she cuts him up with an ax. And then she’s like “not me, don’t remember.” Later she uncovers the fact that he’s a serial murderer, something she never at any point had knowledge of… and then they let her go. So I can murder someone and cross my fingers and hope they are a serial killer and then I’m all good? But also… I’ve seen this before. This exact same thing. What is it? It’s killing me.

Hot Take Clam Bake! I’ve seen this before. That’s my hot take. That I’ve seen this plot twist before in some procedural TV show or something. Where part way through the plot they realize that the guy killed was a serial killer and then everyone is cool with his murder. It’s not even a hot take. It’s a warm take. Because I’m like 60% sure I’ve seen this before… Right? It’s killing me. Hot Take Temperature: That Girl is on Fire

Patrick?

Patrick

‘Ello everyone! Gothika? More like Gothikan’t! AMIRITE?! It’s a classic for a reason. Let’s go!

There is something about this cycle because these are all films I remember seeing commercials for when I was in high school, and they must have lodged themselves deep in my future-bad-movie brain because Gothika (of all things) has always been on my radar. Partly why we’ve not seen a lot of these is because horror films are spooky scary. If I were to put a comp on this I would go with Stir of Echoes. The kind of grungy, set-piece laden, am-I-going-insane film which I took one look at when I was in my teens and was like NOPE. But now with an adult brain (and a lot of horror films in my past) there is obviously no way I was going to be scared by this.

And yeah, of course I wasn’t. And yeah, what was up with thrillers / horror in this era? Was it a holdover from Silence of the Lambs? Why are so many films from the 1999-2004 time so gross? The aforementioned Stir of Echoes? Gross. This? Gross. Hostel and the Saw films are coming around the corner.

Because yeah, if you didn’t know, this film has a weirdly obvious twist. Obviously, Halle Berry was possessed, and so yeah, she killed her husband, but she was possessed by a ghost at the time. So yeah, people think she’s insane. But ah, of course, obviously it turns out her husband is a horrible serial killing rapist! That makes sense. It also makes sense that he oversees what appears to be an insane asylum from the Batman cartoons. One would guess that is intentional … the film is called Gothika, and Batman is Gothic in general, so yeah they are effectively chilling in a technologically advanced Arkham.

Overall the film is obvious, not scary, and unpleasant stuff. Why Berry thought this and Catwoman made sense as follow-ups to Monster’s Ball is nuts. If not for X-Men, her 2000s would be winning an Oscar for Monster’s Ball and then like seven terrible films. In context it is really amazing she snagged an Oscar.

Oh yeah, I didn’t like this film though. Gross, boring, not scary. I can see why it got really dire reviews.

An odd Setting as a Character (Where?) for Connecticut, which I do specifically seem to recall being noted in the film. Really bad Worst Twist (How?) for the reveal that yeah she killed Charles Dutton, and she hopes he burns in hell. The film is Bad, too boring to be an interesting BMT.

Read about my new book series based on the Gothika property in the Quiz. Cheerios,

The Sklogs

Gothika Quiz

I’m going to try something a little different. This is a true blue trivia quiz, but with facts you might want to learn after watching Gothika. Some will be about film, but some will be about just general stuff I gleaned from perusing the Gothika wiki page for a big. Let’s go!

Pop Quiz Hot Shot!

1) On the soundtrack of Gothika the song Behind Blue Eyes is, in actuality, the cover version recorded by Limp Bizkit. Yeah … it hit number 11 on the Billboard Mainstream Rock chart. Gross. Who performed the original version of Behind Blue Eyes?

2) Produced by Dark Castle Entertainment (a division of Warner Bros.), Gothika was the fourth feature film produced by the new studio (and only the second co-produced with Sony). The other co-production was also a BMT film starring Tony Shalhoub, Shannon Elizabeth, and Matthew Lillard with a similar gothic vibe. What was that BMT classic?

3) Gothika is somewhat notable as the first major feature film Robert Downey Jr. booked after his second stint in court ordered rehab. So bad was his reputation productions would withhold part of his salary (40% in the case of Gothika) as part of the bonding. RDJ’s first Oscar nomination was for Chaplin, and he recently won for Oppenheimer, but he was also nominated as a Supporting Actor for a 2008 film. Which film?

4) In Gothika, the eeeeeeeeevil murderer that Miranda glimpses in a dream has a tattoo of the Anima Sola on his chest, meaning Lonely Soul. The image depicts a soul in what location? Outlined at the Second Council of Lyon and the Council of Trent, its existence is one of the major disputes between different sects of Christianity.

5) Now you might think Gothika is a sequel to the film Gothic from 1986. It is not. That film is about a visit by Mary Shelley to an estate on Lake Geneva where two major monsters of both literature and film, Frankenstein’s monster and the vampire, were created. Who’s estate was that?

Bonus NYTimes Listing Question: Gothic (1986) played a bunch on TV in the 90s. On October 22, 1993 it didn’t quite go head to head with primetime Showtime, but it did overlap with this listing:

What is this movie?

Answers

Gothika Preview

Weeks later they were still the best hog farmers in all of Grand Paris, but Jamie’s hearing hadn’t improved. In fact things had been going pretty poorly. First he found that all his jorts had holes in them. Then when he took them to the jorts repair shop he found that his credit cards had been declined because he had misread his jorts budget for last month and spent 10x what had been allocated. Then when he tried to sell some of his excess jorts he found that Kyle had been using them to model his latest mannequin technology and ruined their resale value. “They have to be mint,” Jamie told him, seething. Kyle tries to apologize but that just gets an angry, “Don’t you remember? I cannot hear,” from Jamie, screamed at the loudest possible volume. At this rate Jamie would never get Samantha back as he was increasingly unpleasant to be around and smelled of a hog farm. This needed to be fixed and fast. Patrick scours the local public library, pouring through volume after volume of hog farming history. Panic rises in his throat as he reads the bizarre and tragic stories of all the former number one hog farmers in Grand Paris. That is until he hits the year 1843 when suddenly it appears that the top hog farmer was finishing up an unprecedented 35 year run at number one. “Monsieur Planchet,” he murmurs, prompting a sharp gasp to his left. When he wheels around he finds one of the assistant librarians standing there, a look of shock on her face. “Do you know him?” Patrick asks desperately. The librarian turns to flee, but the look on Patrick’s face makes her hesitate. Finally she says softly, “Oui, it all started in a small town… Gothika.” That’s right! We are watching Gothika, a film probably most notable for not being Catwoman. In the sense that it came out after Monster’s Ball but before Catwoman and yet everyone has associated Halle Berry’s post-Oscar swoon with Catwoman instead. Let’s go!

Gothika (2003) – BMeTric: 40.4; Notability: 49

StreetCreditReport.com – BMeTric: top 17.2%; Notability: top 14.8%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 10.8%; Higher BMeT: The Room, Gigli, House of the Dead, Dumb and Dumberer: When Harry Met Lloyd, The Cat in the Hat, From Justin to Kelly, Kangaroo Jack, Legally Blonde 2: Red, White & Blonde, My Boss’s Daughter, The Foreigner, Darkness Falls, Biker Boyz, Agent Cody Banks, Cold Creek Manor, The Haunted Mansion, The Medallion, Marci X, Honey, The Order, Hollywood Homicide, and 23 more; Higher Notability: The Matrix Revolutions, Bad Boys II, Brother Bear, Dickie Roberts: Former Child Star, Scary Movie 3, The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, The Core, The Cat in the Hat, The Haunted Mansion, Gods and Generals, Timeline, Hollywood Homicide, Agent Cody Banks, Tears of the Sun, Lara Croft: Tomb Raider – The Cradle of Life, Paycheck, Cradle 2 the Grave, Beyond Borders, Dreamcatcher, Duplex, and 17 more; Lower RT: Dorm Daze, The Foreigner, Hangman’s Curse, Gold Diggers, House of the Dead, Gigli, From Justin to Kelly, My Boss’s Daughter, Grind, Marci X, Gods and Generals, Kangaroo Jack, The Cat in the Hat, The Order, Darkness Falls, A Man Apart, Dumb and Dumberer: When Harry Met Lloyd, Alex & Emma, National Security, Cold Creek Manor, and 6 more; Notes: Aw, one away from the 50+ Notability. We’ve only seen 8 of the top 20 BMeT which is a surprise. Six of the top ten though. Six of the top 20 RT as well.

RogerEbert.com – 3.0 stars – The sainted Pauline Kael taught us: The movies are so rarely great art that if we cannot appreciate great trash, we might as well stop going. I don’t know if she would have defined “Gothika” as great trash, but in trash as in art there is no accounting for taste, and reader, I cherished this movie in all of its lurid glory.

(I love this review. This must have been right when Ebert was like fuck it I like what I like, this is good for what it is! He ain’t wrong, even though it is slowly destroying BMT.)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=STxbF5tl5T0/

(I distinctly remember this trailer at the time. Not least of which because Halle Berry had just won the Oscar for Best Actress. Should I finally watch Monster’s Ball? Maybe. Decent trailer though, like quite high intensity and people love supernatural series killer stuff.)

Directors – Mathieu Kassovitz – ( Known For: La haine; The Crimson Rivers; Rebellion; Assassin(s); Café au lait; BMT: Gothika; Babylon A.D.; Notes: He’s French which makes sense with Babylon A.D. Still acts, but his directing career seems to have ended.)

Writers – Sebastian Gutierrez – ( Known For: Snakes on a Plane; The Big Bounce; Rise: Blood Hunter; Elizabeth Harvest; Elektra Luxx; Women in Trouble; Girl Walks Into a Bar; Judas Kiss; Hotel Noir; Future BMT: The Eye; BMT: Gothika; Notes: Him having written this and The Eye is classic. Snakes on a Plane … never before or since have I been more disappointed in a film than that one.)

Actors – Halle Berry – ( Known For: X-Men: Days of Future Past; X-Men; X2: X-Men United; X-Men: The Last Stand; John Wick: Chapter 3 – Parabellum; Cloud Atlas; Kingsman: The Golden Circle; Die Another Day; Robots; The Call; The Last Boy Scout; Monster’s Ball; Executive Decision; Boomerang; Things We Lost in the Fire; Bulworth; Jungle Fever; Bruised; The Program; CB4; Future BMT: The Flintstones; Kidnap; Girl 6; B*A*P*S; The Rich Man’s Wife; Father Hood; Race the Sun; Strictly Business; BMT: Swordfish; Catwoman; Gothika; Movie 43; Moonfall; New Year’s Eve; Perfect Stranger; Notes: Won an Oscar (famously the first black woman to win Best Actress) for Monster’s Ball. Also famously was in Catwoman the same year.)

Penélope Cruz – ( Known For: Murder on the Orient Express; Blow; Vicky Cristina Barcelona; Volver; All About My Mother; To Rome with Love; Open Your Eyes; Pain and Glory; Ferrari; Broken Embraces; Everybody Knows; Bandidas; Parallel Mothers; Live Flesh; I’m So Excited!; Elegy; Loving Pablo; Twice Born; Head in the Clouds; Jamón, Jamón; Future BMT: The Brothers Grimsby; The Counselor; Sahara; Nine; The 355; All the Pretty Horses; Woman on Top; BMT: Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides; Vanilla Sky; Gothika; Sex and the City 2; Zoolander 2; G-Force; Captain Corelli’s Mandolin; Notes: Also won an Oscar, for Vicky Cristina Barcelona. Nominated for three more (including Nine which is weird). Married to Javier Bardem.)

Robert Downey Jr. – ( Known For: The Avengers; Avengers: Endgame; Avengers: Infinity War; Iron Man; Avengers: Age of Ultron; Iron Man 3; Iron Man 2; Captain America: Civil War; Oppenheimer; Spider-Man: Homecoming; Sherlock Holmes; Zodiac; The Incredible Hulk; Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows; Tropic Thunder; Natural Born Killers; Kiss Kiss Bang Bang; Chef; The Judge; A Scanner Darkly; Future BMT: Due Date; U.S. Marshals; Air America; Lucky You; The Shaggy Dog; In Dreams; Johnny Be Good; Black & White; Tuff Turf; Firstborn; BMT: Gothika; Dolittle; Notes: Also just won an Oscar for Oppenheimer, nominated for two others (Tropic Thunder and Chaplin). The rare top three Oscar winners here. Do yourself a favor and watch The Judge, it is demented what he was planning to try and win an Oscar after Marvel started to wrap up.)

Budget/Gross – $40,000,000 / Domestic: $59,694,580 (Worldwide: $141,591,324)

(My god, that’s a good amount of money. How did that happen? That’s a nuts amount of money.)

Rotten Tomatoes – 15% (25/168): Berry’s acting talents can’t save Gothika from its preposterous plot and bad dialogue.

(Preposterous?! Sign me up. That is so low, but for some reason I thought it was lower haha.)

Reviewer Highlight: It is a thoroughly synthetic confection, compounded of cliches drawn from a half-dozen genres and subgenres that for a while might almost persuade its audience, as it apparently convinced its makers, that it is something more. – A.O. Scott, New York Times

Poster – Mothrika

(Tight. And I’m not even being ironic. Look at the font. Look at the blue. Look at the highlighting of the star while also being at least interesting. Look at all the… uh… rain I guess. B+.)

Tagline(s) – Because someone is dead doesn’t mean they’re gone. (C-)

(Wake me up when the tagline is done. Little bit of a spoiler alert too. Obviously we can assume we are dealing with something supernatural, but this make it pretty clear it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost.)

Keyword(s) – 1999-2007

Top 10: The Matrix Revolutions (2003), The Butterfly Effect (2004), The Da Vinci Code (2006), The Fast and the Furious (2001), Men in Black II (2002), Man on Fire (2004), Click (2006), Pearl Harbor (2001), Fantastic Four (2005), Kingdom of Heaven (2005)

Future BMT: 93.5 Date Movie (2006), 90.0 House of the Dead (2003), 88.9 BloodRayne (2005), 87.1 The Adventures of Sharkboy and Lavagirl 3-D (2005), 82.9 Inspector Gadget (1999), 81.8 The Flintstones in Viva Rock Vegas (2000), 81.4 You Got Served (2004), 79.3 Daddy Day Camp (2007), 79.1 Boogeyman (2005), 78.0 Who’s Your Caddy? (2007), 77.8 Nutty Professor II: The Klumps (2000), 72.6 Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector (2006), 72.4 Bewitched (2005), 72.2 Legally Blonde 2: Red, White & Blonde (2003), 72.1 Zoom (2006), 71.1 Soul Plane (2004), 70.6 The Shaggy Dog (2006), 70.3 Delta Farce (2007), 69.3 Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen (2004), 69.2 The Santa Clause 3: The Escape Clause (2006)

BMT: Epic Movie (2007), Battlefield Earth (2000), Catwoman (2004), Son of the Mask (2005), Gigli (2003), Alone in the Dark (2005), The Wicker Man (2006), Dumb and Dumberer: When Harry Met Lloyd (2003), Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2 (2004), In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale (2007), The Cat in the Hat (2003), Crossroads (2002), Halloween: Resurrection (2002), The Fog (2005), Dungeons & Dragons (2000), Rollerball (2002), Baby Geniuses (1999), Norbit (2007), The Master of Disguise (2002), I Know Who Killed Me (2007), Glitter (2001), Ultraviolet (2006), Bratz (2007), Book of Shadows: Blair Witch 2 (2000), Dragon Wars: D-War (2007), Feardotcom (2002), The Adventures of Pluto Nash (2002), Jason X (2001), xXx: State of the Union (2005), Torque (2004), Aliens vs. Predator: Requiem (2007), Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever (2002), Material Girls (2006), Universal Soldier: The Return (1999), Basic Instinct 2 (2006), Elektra (2005), Taxi (2004), Kangaroo Jack (2003), Driven (2001), A Sound of Thunder (2005), Are We Done Yet? (2007), Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo (2005), …

Best Options (G-Force): 72.6 Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector (2006), 70.3 Delta Farce (2007), 64.7 The Comebacks (2007), 61.0 Alvin and the Chipmunks (2007), 60.1 Code Name: The Cleaner (2007), 59.9 Corky Romano (2001), 59.7 Scooby-Doo 2: Monsters Unleashed (2004), 55.1 Evan Almighty (2007), 54.2 The Bachelor (1999), 54.1 Maid in Manhattan (2002), 52.3 Malibu’s Most Wanted (2003), 51.1 Racing Stripes (2005), 47.9 Man of the House (2005), 47.2 The Hot Chick (2002), 46.5 Slackers (2002), 46.1 Monster-in-Law (2005), 46.0 RV (2006), 43.6 Head of State (2003), 43.5 The Brothers Solomon (2007), 43.0 Woman on Top (2000), 42.4 Domestic Disturbance (2001), 42.1 I Think I Love My Wife (2007), 40.7 Mr. Deeds (2002), 40.6 The Break-Up (2006), 40.4 Gothika (2003), 40.3 Bubble Boy (2001), 36.0 Domino (2005), 32.9 Reno 911!: Miami (2007), 32.7 Let’s Go to Prison (2006), 32.5 All the Pretty Horses (2000), 31.9 A Man Apart (2003), 30.2 Sahara (2005), 29.7 Windtalkers (2002), 29.1 28 Days (2000), 29.0 15 Minutes (2001), 27.6 Next (2007), 27.5 Fun with Dick and Jane (2005), 26.6 TMNT (2007), 23.8 Elizabethtown (2005), 22.0 Big Daddy (1999), 21.9 The Longest Yard (2005), 20.1 Art School Confidential (2006), 19.4 National Treasure: Book of Secrets (2007), 16.7 8MM (1999), 14.7 Underworld: Evolution (2006), 14.3 Hot Rod (2007), 9.3 Underworld (2003), 5.4 Memoirs of a Geisha (2005)

(Right in the middle. The Chain is always weird because you have to connect forward. So sure, I would want to watch The Bachelor, but then … where would we go from there. There’s only so much Chris O’Donnell films to watch.)

Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 13) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Charles S. Dutton is No. 3 billed in Gothika and No. 3 billed in Random Hearts, which also stars Harrison Ford (No. 1 billed) who is in Hollywood Homicide (No. 1 billed) which also stars Josh Hartnett (No. 2 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 3 billed) => (3 + 3) + (1 + 1) + (2 + 3) = 13. There is no shorter path at the moment.

Notes – Robert Downey Jr. broke Halle Berry’s arm during the hospital interrogation scene. Downey was supposed to grab Berry’s arm and twist, but twisted too hard and her arm snapped. Production was halted for eight weeks.

The scene in the pool was not scripted, but was added as a suspense sequence by director Mathieu Kassovitz.

Robert Downey Jr. and producer Susan Downey first met on the set and fell in love. They got married in August 27, 2005 and later started their production company Team Downey.

The title of the film, Gothika (can also be spelled gothica), is an unofficial term used to describe a form of purgatorial state of mind, a situation in which someone sees or feels things that no one else does, and those who don’t think those who can, are crazy. They simply have a connection to the supernatural world.

Although it was not the first Dark Castle Entertainment horror film to be critically panned, and wasn’t the last. It was the first, however, and still is, the highest grossing film to be released from the production company with a $141 million gross against a $40 million budget.

Raise Your Voice Recap

Jamie

It actually makes me a little wistful thinking about things like Raise Your Voice. Hilary Duff occurred in a golden age of female teen pop actresses to the point where you could place her in a pyramid that goes from C-movies up to the A+ superstar. Mean Girls is Lindsey Lohan at her A+ peak. The Hottie and the Nottie is Paris Hilton at her C-movie F-minus nadir. Hilary Duff obviously falls somewhere near the top. I dream of going back to where there is so much demand that a sub-sub-genre like this can explore everything under the sun. A world where Here on Earth has a series of sequels in the HoECU. A world where The Mummy starring Tom Cruise has not just one sequel, but a whole Dark Universe. Is it weird that I went from Hilary Duff all the way back to The Mummy starring Tom Cruise? I don’t think so.

To recap, Hilary Duff is just a small town girl who loves to sing. She loves to perform for her family, but that means bupkis when it comes to whether she can be a star. So can she? Her brother thinks so. Just when it looks like she might be making it out of town her brother dies when a drunk driver hits him. The family is devastated and Hilary Duff puts her dreams on hold… that is until she finds out that she got into the big music program in LA she applied to. Her dad says no, but her mom says that she has to do this for herself and helps cover for her for the summer. Off Hilary Duff goes to the big city. She’s soon meeting all these amazing talented kids, but what about little ol’ her? Seems like she’s getting lost in the shuffle and just can’t find her voice. Her voice teacher sees something in her though and eventually reveals that it’s because with her applications came something unexpected: a video from her brother about how great she is (awww). The teacher is like “you don’t seem so great actually, so I guess your brother was a liar,” or something to that effect. Additionally she has the coolest boy in school (who also dated her arch nemesis last summer) into little ol’ her. Gulp. Will she be able to get things in her life sorted before the big show at the end of the year? You better believe it. With the help and support of her family she rocks out at the last show and… loses like a big ol’ loser. But that’s OK because it’s all about the frenemies we made along the way. THE END.

There is a movie that I like buried in the junk that is Raise Your Voice. The elevator pitch of this film is kind of my jam. Small town girl with all the talent in the world and star potential powered by her joy. Her brother dies and she just can’t jam out anymore until a teacher reveals that performance is communication and communication comes from the heart and the emotions she’s feeling don’t make her less of a star, but can actually be a source of strength. I’m tearing up just thinking about it. I’m tearing up for a different reason thinking about how they took that concept and turned it into some tween Disney bullshit about the rockinest boy in school maybe smooching little ol’ Hilary Duff. People talk about films insulting the intelligence of their audience and this is one of the best examples of that in BMT. I was insulted.

Hot Take Clam Bake! You know that brother that allegedly died in a car accident? We ever get to see a body on that one? Open that coffin Premonition style because unless his head pops out for everyone to see I’m not buying it. This is the long con. He knows that Hilary Duff doesn’t have the stuff to tough out the rough semester. Only through his death can she fulfill her destiny, so he obliges. It’s barely in frame, but in the background of the big performance you can see the brother peeking in from a window. He’s watching his grand plan come together. Either that or he’s a spooky ghost helping Hilary Duff (not) win the competition The 6th Man style. Hot Take Temperature: Jay Corgan.

Patrick?

Patrick

‘Ello everyone! Raise your voice! No seriously … I’ve had a terrible accident and now can barely hear the dulcet tones of Hilary Duff. Let’s go!

Top Line: I’ve told this story before, right? Long ago, in a hometown far far away, Jamie and I lived and went to high school. In high school, there were two lady friends who would make us watch ridiculous movies which we hated! (or so they thought, we secretly loved them and it would become one of the seeds from which BMT would be born). Grind?! Blech (we would say as we popped in the VHS tape for the 7th time). Well, one day Jamie was off … doing whatever. And I didn’t have anything to do. These two ladies were like “come see a movie” and I was like “sure what’s the worst that could happen?” But then egad! It was Raise Your Voice! And the lady friends both fell asleep within the first 10 minutes of the film leaving Patrick stewing in an empty theater watching a movie that just sucked (and not like Grind!). I couldn’t just leave because they were my ride! What a disaster. I’ve held that experience as a pithy anecdote to trot out at parties ever since. Everyone loves it, I assume. The End.

Anyways, yeah, I’ve never seen that film again … until now!

So how was it? Uh … not good. The acting is horrid (except maybe Kat Dennings which for whatever reason I always think is pretty good in a mumbly sort of way), and the story is bland.

Bland?! Well … yeah, the guy from Sex in the City doesn’t even have inappropriate relationships with anyone! To be clear, I don’t want that to happen, but where is the drama? He’s just like a normal good teacher character?

The evil girl isn’t even really evil, it isn’t like she tries to ruin the performance at the end. If anything it is just Hilary Duff herself who attempts to sabotage herself by being a saddo.

And worst of all? The accident in the beginning (on a clear stroad, the most dangerous of all infrastructure), doesn’t even make sense. He is making a left turn onto a side street and then he’s T-boned on the driver’s side? Was this drunk driver going the wrong way down this stroad? Get the fudge out of here! What a goof!

Anyways, I suppose we all learn a valuable lesson: if you are naturally an incredibly talented singer you should go to LA and hang at a summer camp for free and win scholarships and junk. The End.

Also even if your brother died literally just a few weeks ago, don’t be a big old saddo. No one likes a saddo.

You best belieb we have a major Product Placement (What?) alert for Sobe (and Three Days Grace? Maybe). A very very Setting as a Character (Where?) film for LA. And while I secretly love how cheesy this film is, I still think this falls just into the Bad category for being boring and bland, it needed more drama to push it over the top.

Read all about my spin off Disney series in the Quiz. Cheerios,

The Sklogs

Raise Your Voice Quiz

Oh man, so get this. I was at singing camp. Again. Everyone loves my voice. But I was pretty saddo about my dead brother, so I did pack my bags (again) and leave the school (again). Or I planned to, but my suitcase fell off my dresser and bopped me right on the head! So I can’t remember a thing. Do you remember what happened in Raise Your Voice?

Pop Quiz Hot Shot!

1) There is a pretty important event right at the beginning of the film. That’s right, an awesome Three Days Grace concert! Oh … yeah something else did happen. How did HIlary Duff’s brother die?

2) Well, also Duff’s Bad Dad Business Dad is a small business owner and he doesn’t want Duff to go to singing camp. Where does Business Dad want Duff to work instead?

3) Welp, screw you Bad Dad Business Dad, I’m going to singing camp anyways. Where does Bad Dad Business Dad think she’s going?

4) At camp Duff quickly makes four awesome friends. What instruments do all the friends (Jay, Kiwi, Denise, and Sloane) play?

5) In the end, who wins the big scholarship at the end?

Bonus Question: Hmmm, an unlisted number on the cell. Who is it?

Answers

Raise Your Voice Preview

“Cursed schmershed,” Patrick says looking at the latest standings and beaming. It took them a few weeks of intense training best summarized in a montage, but eventually they got there. They were officially the best hog farmers in all of Grand Paris. Sure, the former number one team mysteriously came down with heat exhaustion after their air conditioning unit failed. And sure, that was because a family of squirrels dumped a whole mess of acorns into the cooling unit. And sure, the squirrels only moved into the cooling unit because their home was destroyed by the farmers’ tractor. And sure, the tractor only destroyed the squirrels’ home because it was fitted with the wrong sized harrow. And sure, they only had the wrong sized harrow because their harrow supplier had also gotten sick due to heat exhaustion (coincidentally by very similar circumstances). And sure, they only needed the new harrow because the old one was stolen after some local street toughs mistook it for valuable treasure. And sure, that mistake only happened because they painted the harrow gold for Mardi Gras. And sure, they decided to do that because… actually, they can’t remember why they thought a gold harrow was a good Mardi Gras float. “But that happens, right?” Kyle says out of nowhere. Patrick pretends like he doesn’t know what he’s talking about. When Patrick looks over to Jamie to confirm that they don’t know what Kyle is talking about, though, it seems like Jamie really doesn’t know what’s going on. Patrick gently touches Jamie’s elbow, startling him in the process. “You okay?” Patrick asks, which gets an even more startled look from Jamie. “Are you guys talking about something? I literally cannot hear you,” Jamie shouts. “Raise your…” *gasp* Suddenly they realize that Jamie has lost his hearing. That’s right! Talk about nostalgia. The Hilary Duff classic Raise Your Voice is right in the High School sweet spot when me and Patrick were no longer girls, but not yet women (and yes, I know that’s a Britney Spears song, I’m not an idiot). Let’s go!

Raise Your Voice (2004) – BMeTric: 36.1; Notability: 32

StreetCreditReport.com – BMeTric: top 20.0%; Notability: top 28.8%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 13.1%; Higher BMeT: Catwoman, Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2, You Got Served, Torque, Taxi, Soul Plane, Anacondas: The Hunt for the Blood Orchid, Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen, Thunderbirds, Seed of Chucky, Garfield: The Movie, Envy, Agent Cody Banks 2: Destination London, Godsend, New York Minute, Exorcist: The Beginning, Scooby-Doo 2: Monsters Unleashed, First Daughter, The Stepford Wives, Johnson Family Vacation, and 30 more; Higher Notability: Catwoman, Shark Tale, Van Helsing, The Chronicles of Riddick, King Arthur, Scooby-Doo 2: Monsters Unleashed, Alexander, Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason, After the Sunset, Blade: Trinity, Alien vs. Predator, She Hate Me, The Stepford Wives, Man on Fire, Meet the Fockers, The Princess Diaries 2: Royal Engagement, Around the World in 80 Days, Along Came Polly, Raising Helen, The Phantom of the Opera, and 52 more; Lower RT: Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2, Twisted, Godsend, The Whole Ten Yards, The Cookout, Christmas with the Kranks, Johnson Family Vacation, My Baby’s Daddy, Yu-Gi-Oh!: The Movie – Pyramid of Light, Envy, Surviving Christmas, Catwoman, First Daughter, Taxi, House of D, Exorcist: The Beginning, A Cinderella Story, New York Minute, Employee of the Month, Against the Ropes, and 12 more; Notes: This is fairly mid-table, but has been on the docket since I somehow watched this in theaters in 2004. The girl I went with fell asleep four seconds into the movie as I watched this thing with the horrible realization that she was my ride and I couldn’t just leave.

RogerEbert.com – 1.0 stars – Does that mean (a) she comes home, right now, or (b) her mom and Aunt Nina work on dad, and, wouldn’t you know, the auditorium door opens and dad walks in just in time for his daughter to see him from the stage halfway through her big solo. The answer of course is (b), right down to the obligatory moment when the disapproving parent in the audience nods at the gifted child onstage and does the heartfelt little nod that means “you were right, honey.” But her dad was right about one thing. Something terrible did happen to her in Los Angeles. She made this movie.

(Kind of plucked out of the review, but I love the zinger right at the end and also just eviscerating the entire rote concept of the film.)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BBntfOIjsRw/

(Ooooooooof they open with the movie. The movie looked like shit and I can’t believe the teacher was like this is what got you into the program. Ugh, and then the teacher plays the cello like an asshole and everyone is in love with him. This movie looks amazing and brutal.)

Directors – Sean McNamara – ( Known For: Soul Surfer; 3 Ninjas: High Noon at Mega Mountain; Spare Parts; The Miracle Season; On a Wing and a Prayer; Field of Lost Shoes; Cody the Robosapien; P.U.N.K.S.; Space Warriors; Race to Space; Treehouse Hostage; The Legend of Galgameth; Mighty Oak; Aliens Stole My Body; BMT: Raise Your Voice; Bratz; The King’s Daughter; Notes: Nominated for an Emmy for That’s So Raven. He clearly was heavily involved in children’s programming in general as he produced and directed Even Stevens. I don’t like how much he seems involved with Jon Voight.)

Writers – Mitch Rotter – ( BMT: Raise Your Voice; Notes: Heavily involved with soundtracks and played a Folk Singer in this film. Which explains why this is his only credit I suppose. Was the soundtrack supervisor for Bones.)

Sam Schreiber – ( BMT: Raise Your Voice; Notes: Who knows what this guy does, he has a pre-production film he is a script consultant for, but something tells me that is fake.)

Actors – Hilary Duff – ( Known For: The Lizzie McGuire Movie; War, Inc.; Playing by Heart; Human Nature; Foodfight!; According to Greta; The Haunting of Sharon Tate; Stay Cool; She Wants Me; Bloodworth; Flock of Dudes; Wings; Future BMT: A Cinderella Story; Agent Cody Banks; The Perfect Man; BMT: Cheaper by the Dozen; Cheaper by the Dozen 2; Raise Your Voice; Material Girls; What Goes Up; Notes: Ooooooooh yeah, I forgot she was basically the main character in How I Met Your Father. Prior to that she starred in Younger as well. She has four kids.)

John Corbett – ( Known For: Tombstone; My Big Fat Greek Wedding; To All the Boys I’ve Loved Before; Serendipity; Volcano; The Silence; To All the Boys: P.S. I Still Love You; To All the Boys: Always and Forever; 47 Meters Down: Uncaged; Gully; The Burning Plain; Ramona and Beezus; I Hate Valentine’s Day; Dinner Rush; Baby on Board; Elvis Has Left the Building; The Lookalike; Dreamland; All Saints; Bigger Than the Sky; Future BMT: Street Kings; The Messengers; Raising Helen; Flight of the Intruder; God’s Not Dead: A Light in Darkness; BMT: Sex and the City 2; The Boy Next Door; My Big Fat Greek Wedding 2; Raise Your Voice; My Big Fat Greek Wedding 3; Notes: Nominated for an Emmy for Northern Exposure. But I think he is obviously most famous for his continuing roles in the Sex and the City and My Big Fat Greek Wedding series.)

Rebecca De Mornay – ( Known For: Wedding Crashers; Identity; American Reunion; Risky Business; Flipped; Backdraft; Lords of Dogtown; The Hand That Rocks the Cradle; Runaway Train; Mother’s Day; I Am Wrath; One from the Heart; Testament; Apartment 1303 3D; Music Within; The Trip to Bountiful; Thick as Thieves; And God Created Woman; The Right Temptation; The Winner; Future BMT: The Three Musketeers; Guilty as Sin; Feds; The Slugger’s Wife; BMT: Raise Your Voice; Never Talk to Strangers; Notes: The only thing I really remember about her is that she had a huge amount of clout in the 90s and used all of it to produce and star in Never Talk to Strangers. Didn’t work out.)

Budget/Gross – $15,000,000 / Domestic: $10,411,980 (Worldwide: $14,867,514)

(You know, if you can make Pearl and X for $1 million, I just don’t see how this is $15 million. There is no way they thought this would make more than $15 million right? Make with the synergy with a Duff release the box office wasn’t a huge deal.)

Rotten Tomatoes – 16% (13/83): A bland, formulaic tween version of Fame.

(Fuck … yeah that nailed it. It is a formulaic bad version of Fame. I couldn’t put it better myself.)

Reviewer Highlight: Ms. Duff’s screen presence and the film’s infectious high spirits will make this piece of fluff appealing to young moviegoers without conveying any sinister messages. – Anita Gates, New York Times

Poster – Hilary “That’s Enough” Duff

(Sometimes a poster can be bad by just doing its job. There is no other poster Raise Your Voice can have… weird skewed font and all. Still, not good and far too busy. C-.)

Tagline(s) – Don’t hold back. Don’t give up. (C+)

(It’s generic, but it’s got some flow. Like they didn’t totally botch this. I’m also a sucker for messages like this. No matter how cheesy I like when films aimed at kids are basically like “work hard.” That seems good.)

Keyword(s) – 1999-2007

Top 10: The Matrix Revolutions (2003), The Butterfly Effect (2004), The Da Vinci Code (2006), The Fast and the Furious (2001), Men in Black II (2002), Man on Fire (2004), Click (2006), Pearl Harbor (2001), Fantastic Four (2005), Kingdom of Heaven (2005)

Future BMT: 93.5 Date Movie (2006), 90.0 House of the Dead (2003), 88.9 BloodRayne (2005), 87.1 The Adventures of Sharkboy and Lavagirl 3-D (2005), 82.9 Inspector Gadget (1999), 81.8 The Flintstones in Viva Rock Vegas (2000), 81.4 You Got Served (2004), 79.3 Daddy Day Camp (2007), 79.1 Boogeyman (2005), 78.0 Who’s Your Caddy? (2007), 77.8 Nutty Professor II: The Klumps (2000), 72.6 Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector (2006), 72.4 Bewitched (2005), 72.2 Legally Blonde 2: Red, White & Blonde (2003), 72.1 Zoom (2006), 71.1 Soul Plane (2004), 70.6 The Shaggy Dog (2006), 70.3 Delta Farce (2007), 69.3 Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen (2004), 69.2 The Santa Clause 3: The Escape Clause (2006)

BMT: Epic Movie (2007), Battlefield Earth (2000), Catwoman (2004), Son of the Mask (2005), Gigli (2003), Alone in the Dark (2005), The Wicker Man (2006), Dumb and Dumberer: When Harry Met Lloyd (2003), Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2 (2004), In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale (2007), The Cat in the Hat (2003), Halloween: Resurrection (2002), The Fog (2005), Rollerball (2002), Baby Geniuses (1999), From Justin to Kelly (2003), Norbit (2007), The Master of Disguise (2002), I Know Who Killed Me (2007), Glitter (2001), Ultraviolet (2006), Bratz (2007), Book of Shadows: Blair Witch 2 (2000), Dragon Wars: D-War (2007), Feardotcom (2002), The Adventures of Pluto Nash (2002), Jason X (2001), xXx: State of the Union (2005), Torque (2004), Aliens vs. Predator: Requiem (2007), Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever (2002), Material Girls (2006), Universal Soldier: The Return (1999), Little Man (2006), Basic Instinct 2 (2006), Taxi (2004), Elektra (2005), Kangaroo Jack (2003), Driven (2001), A Sound of Thunder (2005), Are We Done Yet? (2007), Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo (2005), …

Best Options (Romance): 93.5 Date Movie (2006), 81.8 The Flintstones in Viva Rock Vegas (2000), 77.8 Nutty Professor II: The Klumps (2000), 72.6 Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector (2006), 72.4 Bewitched (2005), 64.3 Van Wilder: The Rise of Taj (2006), 57.6 The Next Best Thing (2000), 54.9 Honey (2003), 54.2 The Bachelor (1999), 54.1 Maid in Manhattan (2002), 53.9 The Divorce (2003), 53.6 Abandon (2002), 52.8 Just My Luck (2006), 52.3 Loser (2000), 52.1 Superstar (1999), …

(This is a shockingly low BMeTric, but it was the most true and fun option I thought. There are tons available, but c’mon, Hilary Duff in Raise Your Voice! Crossroads here we come!)

Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 17) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: David Keith is No. 3 billed in Raise Your Voice and No. 2 billed in Firestarter, which also stars Drew Barrymore (No. 1 billed) who is in Blended (No. 2 billed) which also stars Adam Sandler (No. 1 billed) who is in Jack and Jill (No. 1 billed) which also stars Al Pacino (No. 2 billed) who is in 88 Minutes (No. 1 billed) which also stars Leelee Sobieski (No. 3 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 1 billed) => (3 + 2) + (1 + 2) + (1 + 1) + (2 + 1) + (3 + 1) = 17. If we were to watch The Perfect Man, and The Glass House we can get the HoE Number down to 12.

Notes – Evan Rachel Wood and Jonathan Jackson were the original choices for the roles of Terri and Jay respectively, but both dropped out due to production changes, as did Annie Potts (who was set to play Terri’s mother) and director James Hayman. The story’s location was then changed from New York City to Los Angeles.

Was originally entitled “Heart of Summer”, but the film’s release date was pushed back from August to October, so the title was changed accordingly.

The rock band that Terri and her brother go see, is Three Days Grace and are singing “Are you Ready?”.

Hilary Duff (Teresa ‘Terri’ Fletcher) and Davida Williams (Lauren) were previously in Disney Channel’s Lizzie McGuire (2001). Hilary Duff played the lead role Lizzie McGuire and Davida played a recurring, minor character for 12 episodes.

Originally pitched as a “Christian Music Project” with Jaci Velasquez and Rachael Lampa suggested for the lead, and Kirk Franklin for the music teacher.

Awards – Nominee for the Razzie Award for Worst Actress (Hilary Duff)

Cursed Recap

Jamie

It is weird that I have all this nostalgia for films of the late 90’s and early 2000’s and yet something like Cursed gets nothing. That nostalgia is rooted in the fact that we were watching EVERYTHING from that era. We would often pick up three movies from the video store every day. Every. Single. Day. Animated films, foreign films, Daredevil starring Ben Affleck. We were watching EVERYTHING. But not Cursed. Sure we weren’t the biggest Horror Heads in the world, but we were mostly not too discerning either. Like I remember renting Darkness Falls. We looked at Darkness Falls and thought, ‘sure, why not?’ But I guess we just thought Cursed wasn’t interesting enough… unlike Daredevil starring Ben Affleck.

To recap, Ellie is a segment producer on the Late Late Show with Craig Kilborn (for real) taking care of her brother Jimmy while he finishes high school. One night after dropping in on her boyfriend Jake’s new Club Haunted House (which is so dope that it’s hard to describe), they collide with a large animal and another car. When they go to try to help the other driver they are all attacked by the animal. They are able to escape but find that they have been bitten and begin to show monstrous characteristics. Jimmy is immediately like “we are werewolves,” but Ellie is less sure. Jimmy uses his werewolf powers to get one over on the bullies at his school, while Ellie has a bunch of weird things happen while trying to prep for a Scott Baio interview (for real). The next night their family dog is infected and goes on a rampage. Jimmy goes to tell Ellie at the grand opening of Club Haunted House and they all deduce that Jake is also a werewolf. He insists that he didn’t infect them, which is true. It was actually Ellie’s coworker Joanie, who was infected by Jake a while back. They battle Joanie and ultimately kill her. They think they are cured but find that they actually need to kill Jake for that to happen. Jake instead wants to kill Jimmy and live out their days as werewolves, but Ellie and Jimmy refuse and team up to kill him. THE END.

Oh no! I’ve been Wes Craven pilled I think. First it was New Nightmare where I started it and was like WTF, mate? But by the end I thought it was really rather funny and clever. Then I start up Cursed and it seems so predictable and the effects so bad and how they become werewolves is so weird and Joshua Jackson owns a club that is legitimately just the club Haunted House from I Think You Should Leave. I was like “what the hell is going on with this weird werewolf movie.” But by the end, you know what? He kinda got me again. I think it was the moment where the ‘bad guy’ comes out of the closet because of Jesse Eisenberg’s irresistible werewolf charm and then he turns out to be really cool and they are friends in the end. Or maybe it’s Craven’s ability to go meta with people like Scott Baio. Or maybe I just really want to go to Club Haunted House (maybe even more than Club Aqua). It’s like “wait, is this movie good?” It’s not, but it’s not all bad either.

Hot Take Clam Bake! While I want to go to Club Haunted House very badly, I have to break it to Jake… it ain’t happening. You’re probably like ‘Well, duh. A bunch of people got eaten by a werewolf at the Grand Opening.’ No. If anything that helps. You want street cred for Club Haunted House? How about a real werewolf shows up. I just mean that this is clearly the horror version of Planet Hollywood. Kinda like how the Dark Universe was the horror version of the Marvel Universe… and we know how that goes. So I guess I’ll phrase it like this: Club Haunted House will succeed the day that they announce The Mummy 2 with Tom Cruise. A boy can dream. Hot Take Temperature: spooky rattling chains.

Patrick? 

Patrick

‘Ello everyone! Cursed. That’s what I think we might be now that we’ve melted our brains with 750 bad movies over the last 12 years. Let’s go!

Top Line: I don’t remember this film coming out. The cast is truly insane, so I don’t really know how it stayed off my radar though. And man, once we penciled it in I got rather excited. Frankenstein, zombies, mummies, vampires, werewolves. There is something very fun with collecting this films over the years. They go all the way back to the origin of cinema, so to see legitimately over 100 years of these classic movie monster and how they come to life in the 2000s is incredible.

Oh no not like that!

For real, the werewolf in this film ranges from the absurd (the beginning show is maybe one of the worst werewolf puppet work I’ve ever seen) to insane (some of the shots nearer to the end of the full body costume / CGI is crazy).

Speaking of, some of the worst CGI I’ve ever seen as well. The dog? THE DOG?!

And let’s just not really get started on the self-hating gay bully. I don’t like that one bit obviously.

I will say the film is crazy front to back, but I do wish once they realized how crazy it actually was that they had pulled the trigger on a twist that must have been discussed. Oh first I need to set something up: In the film Ricci works for the Late Late Show with Craig Kilborn. As part of this gig she has to do a pre-interview with (of all people) Scott Baio. He shows up later in the film. And near the end they are really pulling out all the stops to suggest any number of people could be the original werewolf. Could it be Joshua Jackson, or Judy Greer? But I really wish they had pulled the trigger on it being Scott Baio. I just love the idea of him playing himself and then in the end they kill Scott Baio and are like … wow that’s wild. Scott Baio was a werewolf.

Bottom Line: There are some funny ideas in the film. Like I do think the Eisenberg headfake is real. He becomes a werewolf, and typically I think he’s all like “The power … it feels good” and kind of becomes evil. But he doesn’t, he’s cooler like Teen Wolf, but he is still earnestly good the entire time. I likes that. Ricci and him were probably the only acting bright sports, although Judy Greer was clearly having a lot of fun.

I’m doing it, Product Placement (What?) for the Late Late Show with Craig Kilborn. This is a very very Setting as a Character (Where?) LA film, I’m not sure there has ever been a more LA film. There is never really a why to werewolf films right, it is just like a curse. Lame Twist (How?) alert for Joshua Jackson being the original werewolf. The most boring choice, should have been Scott Baio. I think this film is BMT, it is pretty entertaining, a little irreverent, and ultimately pretty fun, even if the CGI sucks.

Read all about the Cursed Dark Universe in the Quiz. Cheerios,

The Sklogs

Cursed Quiz

Oh man, so get this. I was driving hope, where I got into a tiny accident where I rolled over sixteen times into a ravine. That wasn’t the issue. The issue was I was then attacked by a werewolf and now I’m losing time every night! And one of those nights I know I watched Cursed. Do you remember what happened in Cursed?

Pop Quiz Hot Shot!

1) Oh shit. Tinsel looks dope. I almost want to go to Tinsel more than I want to go to Club Aqua. What is the theme of Tinsel?

2) And Ellie (Christina Ricci) has a dope job. Where does she work?

3) Welp, everyone is a werewolf. Not they have to find the werewolf that werewolfed them in the first place. But first, can you tell me how many werewolves are featured in the film?

4) They think they know who werewolfed them, but first Ricci has to do a pre-interview for a celebrity for her job. Who is that celebrity?

5) So who actually werewolfed them?

Bonus Question: Hmmmm an unlisted number on the cell. Who is it?

Answers

Cursed Preview

Spending their days rebuilding Pierre’s premier perfume shop didn’t sound so bad to Patrick, Jamie and Kyle. It wasn’t until they had already scoped out a farmhouse to rent in a nearby winery that they were informed that they weren’t rebuilding the Perfume shop at all. “Where do you think I got all that wild hog musk?” Pierre says, pointing them to his premier hog farm that stood just down the block. “This is probably not going to help my scent,” Jamie says. “Unless…” he continues, but Patrick stops him. No, there was no “unless…” to that statement. A week later, as they muck out pen #3, Pierre enters the farm and slaps Jamie on the back. “You guys are doing a great job. I just can’t believe the latest standings!” He slaps his hand at the newsletter he’s holding. “What’s that?” Patrick asks, curious now at what ‘standings’ Pierre could be talking about. “The hog standings, of course,” Pierre says incredulously. “We’re all the way up to #2! I’ve never been able to get even up to #5 when it was just me mucking out all these pens and extracting the gallons of wild hog musk.” Now the competitive juices are flowing. Jamie, Patrick and Kyle start to chatter about getting all the way up to #1 in the standings. “No, no, no,” Pierre says, looking worried. “We don’t want to get up to #1. Being second is a perfect place to be, so let’s just stay right there.” Second place?! Jamie and Patrick stare at him in disbelief. Did Pierre really think they were second place kind of hog farmers? “No, I don’t think you are second place kind of hog farmers,” he reassures them, “it’s just that first place in the hog standings is… cursed.” *Gasp* That’s right! We are watching Cursed by Wes Craven. This is his take on the werewolf genre and unfortunately I don’t think Taylor Lautner was able to participate. Let’s go!

Cursed (2005) – BMeTric: 62.3; Notability: 71

StreetCreditReport.com – BMeTric: top 7.2%; Notability: top 5.6%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 13.5%; Higher BMeT: Son of the Mask, Alone in the Dark, BloodRayne, The Adventures of Sharkboy and Lavagirl 3-D, The Fog, xXx: State of the Union, Boogeyman, Elektra, A Sound of Thunder, Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo, Bewitched, The Crow: Wicked Prayer, Are We There Yet?, In the Mix, The Dukes of Hazzard, Miss Congeniality 2: Armed & Fabulous, The Honeymooners, Dirty Love; Higher Notability: Kingdom of Heaven, Fantastic Four, Be Cool, Domino, Fun with Dick and Jane, Bewitched, xXx: State of the Union, Memoirs of a Geisha, Chicken Little, The Longest Yard, Son of the Mask, The Great Raid, Miss Congeniality 2: Armed & Fabulous, Stealth; Lower RT: The Crow: Wicked Prayer, Alone in the Dark, BloodRayne, The Fog, Yours, Mine & Ours, Son of the Mask, Underclassman, A Sound of Thunder, The Perfect Man, Dirty Love, White Noise, Dirty Deeds, Cheaper by the Dozen 2, Man of the House, Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo, Æon Flux, Elektra, Edison, The Mistress of Spices, Are We There Yet?, and 13 more; Notes: We are even on the higher BMeT films (seen 9 and haven’t seen 9), but at least one is coming up. Kingdom of Heaven is an exciting possibility. I should say … the Notability on this is off the chain. I don’t get it. It is nuts.

Leonard Maltin – 2 stars –  Contemporary werewolf-on-the-loose story is a rare miss in the thrills department from the SCREAM team of Craven and writer Kevin Williamson. Film starts out amusing but soon becomes ludicrous as the nubile young victims must fight back to become human again. Already dated picture is set at the now-defunct Craig Kilborn talk show, where Ricci is a producer spending what seems like days prepping an interview with Scott Baio. It’s that kind of movie, folks.

(Hahahahha, it is true though. Kilborn shows up and embarasses himself, and the Baio shit was also hilarious. The only thing I wish was Baio was either torn to shreds by the werewolf, or randomly was the werewolf in the end.)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_e56-jMfL9I/

(I can tell you that early scene where the wolf grabs the woman out of the car looks about as good in the actual film … which is to say like garbage. This film looks perfectly 2005 and that ain’t a compliment. The CGI dog is awful.)

Directors – Wes Craven – ( Known For: Scream; A Nightmare on Elm Street; Scream 2; Scream 4; Scream 3; Red Eye; Paris, I Love You; New Nightmare; The Last House on the Left; The People Under the Stairs; The Hills Have Eyes; The Serpent and the Rainbow; Swamp Thing; Music of the Heart; The Hills Have Eyes Part II; Deadly Blessing; Future BMT: My Soul to Take; Shocker; BMT: Cursed; Vampire in Brooklyn; Deadly Friend; Notes: Died in 2015, but still racking up those credits. His performance in New Nightmare is b-b-b-b-b-b-bonkers.)

Writers – Kevin Williamson – ( Known For: Scream; Scream 2; Scream 4; Scream 3; Scream; The Faculty; Scream VI; Sick; Future BMT: Teaching Mrs. Tingle; BMT: I Know What You Did Last Summer; Cursed; Notes: Kind of legendary as far as horror writers. The Faculty? How didn’t that qualify? It is hilarious.)

Actors – Christina Ricci – ( Known For: Sleepy Hollow; Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas; The Matrix Resurrections; The Addams Family; Monster; Casper; Addams Family Values; Small Soldiers; Speed Racer; Black Snake Moan; Penelope; Buffalo ’66; The Ice Storm; New York, I Love You; After.Life; Mermaids; Anything Else; The Hard Way; The Opposite of Sex; Bel Ami; Future BMT: The Smurfs 2; 200 Cigarettes; That Darn Cat; BMT: Cursed; Now and Then; Bless the Child; Alpha and Omega; Bucky Larson: Born to Be a Star; Notes: Nominated for two Emmys for Yellowjackets and Grey’s Anatomy. A true blue child star from my childhood. The Addams Family and Caspar in particular.)

Jesse Eisenberg – ( Known For: The Social Network; Now You See Me; Zombieland; Zack Snyder’s Justice League; The Village; Rio; Zombieland: Double Tap; Adventureland; 30 Minutes or Less; Rio 2; American Ultra; To Rome with Love; The Squid and the Whale; Café Society; Vivarium; The Double; The Art of Self-Defense; The End of the Tour; The Hunting Party; Roger Dodger; Future BMT: Now You See Me 2; BMT: Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice; Justice League; Cursed; Notes: Remember Roger Dodger? What a weird film. Nominated for an Oscar for The Social Network, and his directorial effort in A Real Pain is getting tons of buzz.)

Portia de Rossi – ( Known For: Scream 2; Sirens; Dead & Breakfast; Who Is Cletis Tout?; Tab Hunter Confidential; Girl; I Witness; Unity; All the Way; Now Add Honey; Future BMT: Stigmata; BMT: Cursed; Notes: Known for Arrested Development and for being married to Ellen. Also she’s like … barely in this film, so wild she’s the third person listed on IMDb.)

Budget/Gross – $38,000,000 / Domestic: $19,297,522 (Worldwide: $29,621,722)

(That’s not great. Seems like a catastrophic production probably pushed the budget too high, and on a more normal horror budget maybe this works out okay.)

Rotten Tomatoes – 15% (15/98): A predictable plot and cheesy special effects make Cursed a less-than-scary experience.

(Cheesy special effect?! Well … fine, yeah, the first bit with the werewolf is real dumb looking and there are some real crazy effects in the big fight scene in the middle, and the dog looks bad … fine yeah, the special effects suck.)

Reviewer Highlight: It’s not bad enough to make you curse, but you are likely to laugh when you should scream, and to roll your eyes when you are meant to laugh. – A.O. Scott, New York Times

Poster – Fred Durst’s Cursed

(I think this is fine. Nicely stylized with a twist on the font. I don’t know why, but it comes off a little boring to me even when it’s doing a lot of the things I like. B+.)

Tagline(s) – What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. (F)

(Wow. No. That is simply a common phrase and is completely unacceptable.)

Keyword(s) – 1999-2007

Top 10: The Matrix Revolutions (2003), The Butterfly Effect (2004), The Da Vinci Code (2006), The Fast and the Furious (2001), Men in Black II (2002), Man on Fire (2004), Click (2006), Pearl Harbor (2001), Fantastic Four (2005), Kingdom of Heaven (2005)

Future BMT: 93.5 Date Movie (2006), 90.0 House of the Dead (2003), 88.9 BloodRayne (2005), 87.1 The Adventures of Sharkboy and Lavagirl 3-D (2005), 82.9 Inspector Gadget (1999), 81.8 The Flintstones in Viva Rock Vegas (2000), 81.4 You Got Served (2004), 79.3 Daddy Day Camp (2007), 79.1 Boogeyman (2005), 78.0 Who’s Your Caddy? (2007), 77.8 Nutty Professor II: The Klumps (2000), 72.6 Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector (2006), 72.4 Bewitched (2005), 72.2 Legally Blonde 2: Red, White & Blonde (2003), 72.1 Zoom (2006), 71.1 Soul Plane (2004), 70.6 The Shaggy Dog (2006), 70.3 Delta Farce (2007), 69.3 Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen (2004), 69.2 The Santa Clause 3: The Escape Clause (2006)

BMT: Epic Movie (2007), Battlefield Earth (2000), Catwoman (2004), Son of the Mask (2005), Gigli (2003), Alone in the Dark (2005), The Wicker Man (2006), Dumb and Dumberer: When Harry Met Lloyd (2003), Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2 (2004), In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale (2007), The Cat in the Hat (2003), Crossroads (2002), Halloween: Resurrection (2002), The Fog (2005), Rollerball (2002), Baby Geniuses (1999), From Justin to Kelly (2003), Norbit (2007), The Master of Disguise (2002), I Know Who Killed Me (2007), Glitter (2001), Ultraviolet (2006), Bratz (2007), Book of Shadows: Blair Witch 2 (2000), Dragon Wars: D-War (2007), Feardotcom (2002), The Adventures of Pluto Nash (2002), Jason X (2001), xXx: State of the Union (2005), Torque (2004), Aliens vs. Predator: Requiem (2007), Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever (2002), Material Girls (2006), Universal Soldier: The Return (1999), Little Man (2006), Basic Instinct 2 (2006), Taxi (2004), Elektra (2005), Kangaroo Jack (2003), Driven (2001), A Sound of Thunder (2005), Are We Done Yet? (2007), Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo (2005), …

Best Options (Horror): 90.0 House of the Dead (2003), 88.9 BloodRayne (2005), 79.1 Boogeyman (2005), 69.0 Black Christmas (2006), 68.7 Captivity (2007), 67.5 Seed of Chucky (2004), 64.8 The Grudge 2 (2006), 63.9 Valentine (2001), 63.6 Skinwalkers (2006), 63.0 The Hills Have Eyes 2 (2007), 62.3 Cursed (2005), 62.1 Stay Alive (2006), 61.5 When a Stranger Calls (2006), 60.8 See No Evil (2006), 60.3 Exorcist: The Beginning (2004), 58.8 Scary Movie 2 (2001), 58.4 The Return (2005), 57.9 They (2002), 56.6 The Stepford Wives (2004), 55.2 Lost Souls (2000), 54.2 The Messengers (2007), 53.9 The Order (2003), 50.9 Turistas (2006), …

(Pretty pretty pretty good. I really don’t want to watch BloodRayne, although I know it will happen. Ha! Skinwalkers. Another werewolf film was right there too.)

Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 13) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Jesse Eisenberg is No. 2 billed in Cursed and No. 3 billed in Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice, which also stars Ben Affleck (No. 1 billed) who is in Pearl Harbor (No. 1 billed) which also stars Josh Hartnett (No. 3 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 3 billed) => (2 + 3) + (1 + 1) + (3 + 3) = 13. There is no shorter path at the moment.

Notes – In 2014, Judy Greer spoke of the film in an interview. Greer states, “I don’t know why that movie got so fucked up. I don’t understand it. I thought the script was fine. Honest to God, I didn’t get the big deal. I don’t know who kept making them fuck with it”. She goes on to say, “Then we shot the movie for, like, seven years. I think they said we had four movies worth of footage. It was so fun, but so weird. I don’t get it. I couldn’t figure it out.”

When the production was stalled, many cast members were cut, including Illeana Douglas, Heather Langenkamp, Scott Foley, Omar Epps, Robert Forster, James Brolin and Corey Feldman. All of these actors even filmed their scenes which were cut when the movie was re-written and re-shot.

In the original version, the film opened with the benefit party by PETA on the hotel roof. Parts of the scene were kept from the original shooting but in the final cut, that scene is at about 50 minutes from the beginning. Mya replaced Mandy Moore in this scene.

In 2008, Wes Craven was quoted saying; “… the Cursed experience was so screwed up. I mean, that went on for two-and-a-half years of my life for a film that wasn’t anything close to what it should have been. And another film that I was about to shoot having the plug pulled – Pulse – so it was like, I did learn from the Cursed experience not to do something for money. They said, ‘We know you want to do another film, we’ll pay you double.’ And we were 10 days from shooting, and I said fine. But I ended up working two-and-a-half years for double my fee, but I could have done two-and-a-half movies, and done movies that were out there making money. In general, I think it’s not worth it and part of the reason my phone hasn’t rung is that that story is pretty well known.

The original plot line had three strangers brought together by a car accident in the Hollywood Hills and the subsequent attack of a werewolf. The three characters were named Ellie Hudson (Christina Ricci), Vince Winston (Skeet Ulrich) and Jimmy Myers (Jesse Eisenberg). When the script was re-written, the plot changed and focused on two estranged siblings who had to fight a curse after a werewolf attack. Skeet Ulrich’s character was totally re-written and renamed Jake. Since Ellie and Jimmy became brother and sister, Ellie’s surname was deleted and became Myers.