Arthur (2011) Preview

September 1st, 1992

Jamie and Patrick are looking bodacious. Pants? Lycra. Shirt? Absent. Tips? Frosted. Their summer had been spent watching Tango & Cash on repeat as research for a ‘zine idea they had brewing. Rumor on the block was ‘zines were the next big thing. Their dad had one word of advice for them as they navigate this crazy thing we call life: “The rumor around my block is natuuuure.” With that he swept his arm in the general direction of a nearby mountain and called it ‘nature’s movie.’ Despite this being wrong (Nature’s movie is Ewoks: The Battle for Endor) they venture forth and soon find themselves scaling the rocky crags of Mt. Mountain. “Maybe our ‘zine can be about mountains… in movies. Movie Mountains? Is that something?” Jamie asks as he swings himself from one rocky outcrop to another. “But why would someone want to read what we say about Movie Mountains?” Patrick ponders. Just as he’s going to suggest Bad Movie Mountains, though, they are buzzed by a remote control airplane. They look far below them and see a bunch of middle schoolers laughing as they dive bomb them in increasingly dangerous fashion. “Sacre bleu!” Jamie says, using one of his more famous catchphrases. “We’re trapped,” Patrick says, gritting his teeth in rage, “Like Perret trapped Tango and Cash… a couple mice in a maze.” They look at each other in despair. They are far too young to have any patented Twin Memories to harken back to for a solution. This looks like a very early end for the Bad Movie Twins. Suddenly they hear a faint voice “the rumor around my block is natuuuure.” Patrick’s eyes widen. Jamie simply whispers “Coolz.” With that their eyes glaze over and they enter a patented Arthur Memory. That’s right! We are completing the Arthur circle by watching the 2011 remake of the comedy classic starring Russel Brand and Best Director nominee Greta Gerwig (but not for this… she didn’t direct 2011’s Arthur). Talk about two people whose careers are going in two different directions. We are pairing it with Replicant starring JCVD. This film will complete the second leg of the “JCVD plays dual roles” trilogy, leaving just Maximum Risk. Let’s go!

Arthur (2011) – BMeTric: 41.9; Notability: 52

StreetCreditReport.com – BMeTric: top 16.4%; Notability: top 10.0%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 22.1%; Higher BMeT: Jack and Jill, The Human Centipede 2 (Full Sequence), Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance, Spy Kids 4: All the Time in the World, Shark Night, Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked, Big Mommas: Like Father, Like Son, Bucky Larson: Born to Be a Star, The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1, The Roommate, The Darkest Hour, Hellraiser: Revelations, Conan the Barbarian, Abduction, Hoodwinked Too! Hood vs. Evil, Zookeeper, Apollo 18, I Don’t Know How She Does It, Twixt, The Dilemma, and 21 more; Higher Notability: Transformers: Dark of the Moon, Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides, Green Lantern, The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1, Cars 2, New Year’s Eve, The Smurfs, Hop, Red Riding Hood, Your Highness, Jack and Jill, Battle Los Angeles, The Hangover Part II, Sucker Punch, Hoodwinked Too! Hood vs. Evil, I Am Number Four, Larry Crowne, In Time, Johnny English Reborn, Season of the Witch, and 5 more; Lower RT: Hellraiser: Revelations, You May Not Kiss the Bride, Jack and Jill, Bucky Larson: Born to Be a Star, The Roommate, A Little Bit of Heaven, Hick, Abduction, Big Mommas: Like Father, Like Son, Dream House, New Year’s Eve, Trespass, Honey 2, Red Riding Hood, Season of the Witch, Hoodwinked Too! Hood vs. Evil, The Darkest Hour, Atlas Shrugged: Part I, Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked, The Moth Diaries, and 33 more; Notes: Kind of amusing how few of those top BMeT films I’ve seen. We’ve seen 12 of the 20 listed there, which is pretty good, but only two in the top 5, so we are somehow leaving some heavy hitters. Although, 2011 is an incredible bad movie year I believe, one of the best, so perhaps it is impossible to watch enough bad movies to seem impressive.

RogerEbert.com – 3.0 stars – The thing about Moore, who people persisted in calling “Cuddly Dudley” although he hated it, is that he was just plain lovable. The thing about Russell Brand is that he isn’t, not much, and he should get credit here for at least being a good deal more likable than he usually chooses to seem. He plays the alcoholic zillionaire Arthur Bach as a man who wants to party with the world and pick up the check.

(Yes, this was my impression as well. The less the said about Russell Brand the better at the moment, but his high pitched affectation and general antics in this film do seem reasonably charming. Surprisingly so.)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XoJN7k1BMYg/

(Jesus the overused Rebel Rebel riff and then All Night Long and then Pressure!! The trailer almost comes across as a parody and just seems sad.)

Directors – Jason Winer – ( Known For: Ode to Joy; BMT: Arthur; Notes: Won an Emmy for Modern Family which is produced in addition to directing multiple episodes. HE is directing The Santa Clauses at the moment.)

Writers – Peter Baynham – ( Known For: Hotel Transylvania; Borat; Borat Subsequent Moviefilm; Brüno; Ron’s Gone Wrong; Alan Partridge; Arthur Christmas; Future BMT: The Brothers Grimsby; BMT: Arthur; Notes: Probably British considering he appears to work very closely with Sasha Baron Cohen and Steve Coogan on their projects. Nominated for 2 Oscars for the Borat films.)

Steve Gordon – ( Known For: Arthur; The One and Only; BMT: Arthur; Arthur 2: On the Rocks; Notes: Died in 1982, between the two Arthur films, he wrote the original Arthur for which he was nominated for an Oscar.)

Actors – Russell Brand – ( Known For: Death on the Nile; Forgetting Sarah Marshall; Trolls; Despicable Me; Minions: The Rise of Gru; Despicable Me 2; Rock of Ages; Get Him to the Greek; Penelope; St. Trinian’s; Catherine Called Birdy; Army of One; The Tempest; Four Kids and It; Paradise; The Fight; Future BMT: Bedtime Stories; Hop; BMT: Arthur; Notes: Yeah no, I ain’t falling for this trap. He is currently notably under investigation for sexual assault, some of the allegations coming from the set of this specific film.)

Helen Mirren – ( Known For: Barbie; Fast X; Golda; Shazam! Fury of the Gods; Caligula; F9: The Fast Saga; The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy; The Prince of Egypt; Excalibur; Fast & Furious Presents: Hobbs & Shaw; RED; State of Play; Age of Consent; The Fate of the Furious; Woman in Gold; The Pledge; Monsters University; The Cook, the Thief, His Wife & Her Lover; Gosford Park; 2010: The Year We Make Contact; Future BMT: Anna; Winchester; Inkheart; National Treasure: Book of Secrets; The Nutcracker and the Four Realms; Collateral Beauty; Raising Helen; Teaching Mrs. Tingle; BMT: Arthur; Notes: Won and Oscar for The Queen and is in general a national British treasure. She was nominated for three other Oscars as well for The Madness of King George, Gosford Park, and The Last Station.)

Jennifer Garner – ( Known For: Catch Me If You Can; Juno; 13 Going on 30; The Adam Project; Dallas Buyers Club; Daredevil; Love, Simon; Draft Day; The Kingdom; The Invention of Lying; Miracles from Heaven; Yes Day; Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day; Deconstructing Harry; Butter; Danny Collins; Wakefield; The Tribes of Palos Verdes; A Happening of Monumental Proportions; Washington Square; Future BMT: Peppermint; Dude, Where’s My Car?; Men, Women & Children; The Odd Life of Timothy Green; Wonder Park; Catch and Release; Mr. Magoo; BMT: Pearl Harbor; Mother’s Day; Valentine’s Day; Ghosts of Girlfriends Past; Elektra; Arthur; Nine Lives; Notes: Nominated for four Emmy for Alias, but she never won. Was married to Ben Affleck for a time.)

Budget/Gross – $40,000,000 / Domestic: $33,035,397 (Worldwide: $48,147,945)

(That ain’t great. You want more than that. But I also can’t imagine why a remake of Arthur was going to make $100 million, so I don’t know what they were thinking.)

Rotten Tomatoes – 27% (52/195): An irritating, unnecessary remake that demonstrates the libertine charm Russell Brand exudes in supporting roles turn against him when he’s star of the show.

(Irritating is the name of the game. I really don’t know how you make an Arthur film without Dudley Moore and have Arthur come across as anything but supremely irritating. The reviewer below kind of gets it right too, this pretty much killed Brand as a leading man.)

Reviewer Highlight: Russell Brand gives a career-killing performance. – David Edelstein, New York Magazine/Vulture

Poster – 2011’s Arthur

(I don’t understand two things about this poster. Why is Arthur’s hat being held up like that? Does it mean something? Was that hat supposed to be a “thing”? Second, how is it that Greta Gerwig isn’t on this poster? Garner gets the spot playing the primary antagonist. Why? Anyway, I don’t love it. I don’t even like it, really. C-.)

Tagline(s) – Meet the world’s only loveable billionaire. (D+)

(I can’t really tell if this is really bad or just really not good. Like it’s a little long and not clever in the least. It appears to think him being “loveable” (to some people, I guess) is clever when put next to the word “billionaire.” I don’t understand why. I guess it does tell you a little of what to expect from the movie. So that’s nice.)

Keyword(s) – daddio

Top 10: The Shawshank Redemption (1994), The Godfather (1972), Scarface (1983), 12 Angry Men (1957), Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade (1989), Back to the Future Part II (1989), Dead Poets Society (1989), Citizen Kane (1941), The Game (1997), Dumb and Dumber (1994)

Future BMT: 79.0 Daddy Day Camp (2007), 58.9 Jury Duty (1995), 57.4 The NeverEnding Story II: The Next Chapter (1990), 57.1 Ghost Dad (1990), 50.8 Getting Even with Dad (1994), 50.5 Sleepwalkers (1992), 49.3 My Girl 2 (1994), 46.4 Daddy Day Care (2003), 44.6 Man of the House (1995), 41.6 My Baby’s Daddy (2004), 41.6 Speed Zone (1989), 41.3 Club Paradise (1986), 38.9 Fled (1996), 38.3 My Father the Hero (1994), 38.0 Dracula: Dead and Loving It (1995), 37.0 Desperate Hours (1990), 35.9 Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo (1984), 35.8 I Got the Hook Up (1998), 34.3 Spring Break (1983), 34.1 Father Hood (1993)

BMT: Speed 2: Cruise Control (1997), Troll 2 (1990), Super Mario Bros. (1993), Cool as Ice (1991), Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III (1993), Poltergeist III (1988), Shanghai Surprise (1986), Return to the Blue Lagoon (1991), The Lawnmower Man (1992), Arthur 2: On the Rocks (1988), Fire Birds (1990), Star Trek V: The Final Frontier (1989), Virtuosity (1995), Double Impact (1991), Police Academy 2: Their First Assignment (1985), Navy Seals (1990), Iron Eagle (1986), Rambo III (1988), High School High (1996), Ernest Goes to Jail (1990), Clifford (1994), Man Trouble (1992), Leviathan (1989), Universal Soldier (1992), Days of Thunder (1990), No Mercy (1986), The Postman (1997), Fools Rush In (1997), Eraser (1996), Hackers (1995), Rising Sun (1993), Magic in the Water (1995), Lock Up (1989), The Adventures of Ford Fairlane (1990)

(We had to finish up Arthur for the cycle, so here we are. Luckily I don’t think there were many others I was really clamoring for in its place.)

Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 20) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Jennifer Garner is No. 4 billed in Arthur and No. 2 billed in Ghosts of Girlfriends Past, which also stars Matthew McConaughey (No. 1 billed) who is in The Wedding Planner (No. 2 billed) which also stars Jennifer Lopez (No. 1 billed) who is in Gigli (No. 2 billed) which also stars Ben Affleck (No. 1 billed) who is in Pearl Harbor (No. 1 billed) which also stars Josh Hartnett (No. 3 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 3 billed) => (4 + 2) + (1 + 2) + (1 + 2) + (1 + 1) + (3 + 3) = 20. If we were to watch Two for the Money we can get the HoE Number down to 15.

Notes – Arthur states his father died at the age of forty-four in an homage to Steve Gordon, who directed Arthur (1981), and also died at the age of forty-four.

While sulking in his Batmobile after Hobson (Dame Helen Mirren) gives him an aspirin and vitamin, Arthur (Russell Brand) scrolls through his phone to look for Naomi’s number and we briefly see Katy Perry, Brand’s then-wife, listed as a contact.

During the dinner scene at Grand Central Station, the background music that is playing is an instrumental version of the Christopher Cross song, “Arthur (1981)’s Theme (Best That You Can Do)”.

In the final scene, where there is a collection of movie cars, the car displayed on the far right is the Rolls-Royce from Arthur (1981).

In order to see the dedication in Naomi’s book, Arthur moves a pop-up moon over a Manhattan skyline scene. This is a tribute to the line “If you get caught between the moon and New York City”, in Christopher Cross’ “Arthur (1981)’s Theme” song.

Awards – Nominee for the Razzie Award for Worst Actor (Russell Brand)

Nominee for the Razzie Award for Worst Prequel, Remake, Rip-Off or Sequel

Angels in the Outfield Recap

Jamie

Joseph Gordon-Levitt’s character flapping his arms like a real bozo so dominated my childhood thoughts on this film that it could never possibly live up to my memory of it. I feel like for a solid decade I’d see the actor show up in something and subconsciously be like “yeah, but he flapped his arms real dumb that one time.” The movie appeared in my mind to just be 90 minutes of JGL flapping his arms and then everyone else agreeing that it was cool and flapping their arms too. What’s funny is we’ve seen over the years many teams capitalize on weird baseball mojo trends as they make their way to the coveted World Series win. Rally caps, Cowboy Up, and the Angel’s very own Rally Monkey. None of that changes the simple fact that if anyone anywhere tried to make flapping your arms around the rallying cry of their team it would flop. Rally Monkey it is not.

To recap, JGL is in foster care watching the California Angels stink while he waits for his dad to get his act together. With a washed up manager driving the team into the ground his dad makes an off-hand comment that he’ll come back for him when the Angels win the Pennant. Enter: God. JGL prays and his prayers are answered as a bunch of real angels come down and start helping the team win. When the coach catches wind that this kid appears to see angels helping the team he’s like “meh, we suck and I suck so why not have a fun good luck charm.” Soon JGL is attending most games and tipping the coach on moves to make that might lead to angelic intervention. Soon his life is changing and so are his players. A previously washed up pitcher gets his mojo back and they are on a big time winning streak. Ultimately it doesn’t matter, though, because JGL’s daddio is a deadbeat and gives him up to the state anyway. The owner of the team is also embarrassed when the press publishes details of the coach’s belief in angels. He demands his coach publicly deny believing in angels, which he refuses to do. In the Pennent, the angels reveal they can’t help (it’s too big a game), but the ragtag group is no longer ragtag and ultimately come up victorious on the back of the soon-to-be-dead formerly washed-up pitcher (I’ll talk about that later). After the game the coach reveals he’s adopting JGL and his friend… which is nice. THE END.

For about 70% of this movie we are treated to a straightforward, heart-warming sports story. Sure there is an odd religious bent to it, but why not? It’s about angels. I was sitting there jamming out, enjoying an oddly stacked cast of background characters and sports… then the last thirty minutes of the film happened. First the devious announcer (who is also a reporter?) publishes a story about the manager believing in angels using the anonymous sourcing of a 7-year-old child. It’s so crazy that you can’t believe they could top it. But then the owner is embarrassed by the story and does the press conference forcing the manager to denounce angels… it would be like if when the Rally Monkey was happening there was a story that was like “the manager actually believe the monkey is lucky” and the owner was like “ma gawd, say you don’t believe the monkey… NOW!” Ludicrous. Can’t be topped, right? Wrong. During the subsequent game, the washed up pitcher is pitching a 160 pitch complete game (wow). An angel then pops down, says he can’t help, and off hand mentions to the kid that the dude is dying of advanced cancer… boy. You know how some movies are ruined by a terrible ending. This was BMT saved by one of the most BMT endings of all time. A true miracle. As for Heaven Sent… lol, what? If I didn’t know better I would say this was a pilot for a show being shopped for syndication about the sidekick from UHF helping different people every week as an angel… but I know better and I just know this was a real weird nothing film that also needed to have a bizarro thriller plot thrown in at the end. I will forget this tomorrow.

Hot Take Clam Bake! I just… I really feel like there would be a bit more scrutiny of the coach’s efforts to adopt two children. It appears like this all happens in a matter of a couple weeks. The man is a major league manager and appears to be single. He’s on the road 40% of the year. Prior to the angels going on a winning streak the man was a complete asshole. Everyone hated him. What if they go on a losing streak next year? You can’t rely on the whims of the angels to determine how good a dad this guy is going to be. Feels a bit irresponsible of the state to at least be like “maybe think this over for a week… you know… considering for the last 50 years or so you’ve lived the life of a single, childless asshole.” Hot Take Temperature: Medicine Hat… as in Medicine Hat, Alberta where the coach will be coaching after he doesn’t have the angels to help him out.

Patrick?

Patrick

‘Ello everyone! Wait a second, are we talking about a Disney kids classic about how religion is good and it isn’t cheating if angels do it because you wished for a real fambly and this is the only way for the hard hearted coach of the Anaheim Angels to Grinch it and adopt two children? Let’s go!

So we need to approach this carefully, because otherwise you might think I think this film is genuinely good. So here’s my best shot.

The first hour of this film is fun and heartfelt and the kid actors are really good. If I was sitting next to a child watching this film I would be like “cool.” If I had to watch it multiple times I think the first hour would get tiresome but there is enough good heartfelt stuff in it that it wouldn’t feel like a total waste of time. You can see why JGL is a star, and also why this works much better than The Mighty Ducks (mainly because The Mighty Ducks is like if Danny Glover was the main character in Angels in the Outfield. Blessedly JGL is and that works better for the majority of the film).

Phew … BUT.

The last thirty minutes of this film goes off the rails.

First, Danny Glover and the radio announcer were former teammates / competitors and have a long running feud mostly concerning the other guy ending Glover’s career, but then Glover is a way better manager in the end. We open the third act with that guy overhearing a literal child go “Angels are real!” and he goes “Aha! I got him! Glover brings the kids to the games because he too thinks angels are real!” Then we have a real scene in a movie where ESPN has, for whatever reason, run with the “Coach Knox thinks angels are real!” story without checking the source (a literal child), and the Angels owner insists on Glover (who is on something absurd like a 30-2 hot streak) having a press conference before the last (and pennant clinching) game to deny the angel story because … maybe he hates God? Hard to tell. Anyways, you got all that?

/deep breath/

Second, the angels aren’t coming (oh no!) but Lloyd helpfully shows up to be like “Oh what? You were waiting on us? But everyone knows angels can’t help in a championship!” (ah I see, you are sportsmen about it). And right before he leaves he looks to Tony Danza (playing a 40 year old washed up pitcher who smokes too much) and he’s like “Oh him? He’s dead in six months, but don’t worry he’ll be an angel … welp, see yah kid!” Totally unnecessary. JGL doesn’t need that in his life during the big game!

/deep breath/

Third, that same 40-year-old who is going to be dead in six months from advanced lung cancer proceeds to pitch a complete game to win the pennant. With the final play involving him snagging a comeback line drive to the pitcher to end the game.

Phew. Those thirty minutes take it from good I’m-not-crying-your-crying territory, to unintentionally hilarious sports film, and back again. I still like it though.

I do someday want to collect all the ways different baseball films have ended though. Major League is on a suicide squeeze, and this is on a line drive at the pitcher. They really didn’t want to do the standard home run or strike out huh?

As for the friend, woooooooooooooooooof. We watched Heaven Sent which was bizarrely close to the same story (angel helping a kid, but during the final scene he says nope, you have to do that yourself). Weirdly good cast with Wilford Brimley in a small role. Otherwise this gets dangerously close to “I could film some of this” territory. Fortunately there are some good set pieces, decent acting from a few of the adults, and it looks quite good at times, so it pulls itself out on occasion. Zero out of five on the racism scale, but that is mainly because it is shot in Salt Lake City and there is nary a non-white person to be seen …oh wait strike that. It is one out of five, there was an Indian convenience store owner that was pretty racist. Dang. Almost there. Regardless this is a true blue F. There might be some heart there, but it isn’t even remotely entertaining and I would flat refuse to ever watch this again if asked.

A real deal sports Product Placement (What?) for the California Angels. And obviously Setting as a Character (Where?) for California. Great MacGuffin (Why?) for the wish to have a fambly, which he didn’t specify so the genie gave him Danny Glover instead of his dad. And finally that same thing is the Worst Twist (How?) for Danny Glover adopting two children despite being a Major League manager, having no girlfriend, and never having kids. This movie is also Good, so we’re on a streak.

Naturally, I need to make a sequel to this a la D2, check it out in the Quiz. Cheerios,

The Sklogs

Angels in the Outfield Quiz

Oh man so get this. I was at a baseball game and I saw real angels helping the team out! Yeah, no joke. Obviously I immediately went to the hospital where they diagnosed me with a massive concussion, turns out I didn’t remember getting hit in the head with a baseball. As a matter of fact I don’t remember a bunch of stuff … do you remember what happened in Angels in the Outfield?

Pop Quiz Hot Shot!

1) Why has JGL been left in foster care and under what condition does his father (jokingly) say they’ll become a fambly again?

2) Meanwhile, Danny Glover is the coach of the hapless California Angels. But here’s a question: what team did he coach for prior to joining the Angels?

3) There is another boy hanging with JGL most of the film. Why is that boy scared of driving in cars?

4) How do the two boys end up going to all of the baseball games anyways?

5) In the final game the final out would be recorded as what in official baseball records?

Bonus Question: In an after credits scene we see our hero 30 years later. What is JGL up to?

Answers

Angels in the Outfield Preview

September 1st, 1993

Jamie and Patrick are looking badical. Jacket? Leather. Pants? Shredded. Chains? Thick. Their summer had been spent writing their bad movie ‘zine Film Psychos and gathering tens of subscribers. Their dad had one word of advice for them as they navigate this crazy thing we call life: “What’s a ‘zine?” With that he swept his arm in the general direction of the nearby cave system and called it ‘nature’s movie.’ Despite this being wrong (Nature’s movie is Gorillas in the Mist) they venture forth and soon find themselves lost in the labyrinthian caves. “Boy, this is spooky,” Jamie says and Patrick thinks how this is one case where they would love to have the older bullies around to help them out. Just when they fear that they will die in the caves they see a faint glow up ahead. They shield their eyes against the blinding light as they approach and for a moment an angelic voice appears to be coming from a beautiful white stallion. “A talking horse?!” Jamie says in awe. But as the light comes closer it becomes clear it’s not a talking horse at all, but a man in long white flowing robes. “It is not your time,” the man says, “to get out of the cave system you must remember the two mice in a maze.” With that the man winks out of existence. He then winks back again, “Oh and I forgot, you know your neighbor, Bill?” They nod their heads. “He has cancer,” and then disappears again. “Wow, that’s a real Coolz Foolz,” Jamie says with a smirk and Patrick nods before getting down to remembering things. “Mice. Mazes. Talk to me, people!” he yells and with that their eyes glaze over and they enter a patented Twin Memory. That’s right! We’re watching Angels in the Outfield. It’s a classic Disney channel staple from our childhood about a kid, some angels, and the California Angels (the team we all know and love). I remember even making fun of the film as a kid cause the main character looks like a dope flapping his arms whenever he sees an angel. Certainly it won’t be nearly as dopey as our Bring a Friend, Heaven Sent, though. I do believe that is a film, but I can’t be totally sure yet. Let’s go!

Angels in the Outfield (1994) – BMeTric: 24.9; Notability: 47

StreetCreditReport.com – BMeTric: top 25.6%; Notability: top 13.2%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 34.0%; Higher BMeT: Street Fighter, Police Academy: Mission to Moscow, Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Next Generation, Junior, The Next Karate Kid, Double Dragon, It’s Pat: The Movie, On Deadly Ground, The Flintstones, North, The Fantastic Four, Leprechaun 2, 3 Ninjas Kick Back, Exit to Eden, In the Army Now, Color of Night, Richie Rich, Car 54, Where Are You?, Getting Even with Dad, Beverly Hills Cop III, and 44 more; Higher Notability: The Flintstones, Wyatt Earp, The Shadow, Beverly Hills Cop III, Love Affair, Ready to Wear, North, Radioland Murders, I Love Trouble, The Pagemaster, Little Giants, Exit to Eden, Street Fighter, Drop Zone, D2: The Mighty Ducks, Junior, On Deadly Ground, Speechless, The Puppet Masters, The Scout, and 13 more; Lower RT: Wagons East, Police Academy: Mission to Moscow, It’s Pat: The Movie, Death Wish: The Face of Death, House Party 3, The Silence of the Hams, Holy Matrimony, Car 54, Where Are You?, Erotique, Getting Even with Dad, A Low Down Dirty Shame, Major League II, Exit to Eden, Lightning Jack, Leprechaun 2, In the Army Now, The Next Karate Kid, Trial by Jury, Blank Check, Intersection, and 60 more; Notes: In case one was curious about the top 10 in 90s Listing Plays for qualifying films: Clifford (91); The Next Karate Kid (82); Angels in the Outfield (76); City Slickers II: The Legend of Curly’s Gold (74); Renaissance Man (73); Airheads (72); Car 54, Where Are You? (70); Blankman (70); The Scout (69); Major League II (65). I think the amazing thing is just how few we’ve watched. Clifford (this year), Car 54, Where Are you?, and now this … that is it. Partly it is because I’ve seen Blankman, Airheads (a lot), City Slickers II (a lot), and Clifford and this (a lot). So we always veered away from those before. Still, lots to do in the 90s still, and hopefully the listings will help give the people what they want.

RogerEbert.com – 2.0 stars – “Angels in the Outfield” closely follows another movie about kids and baseball, “Little Big League.” Both are about how small boys control the destinies of major league teams. But while “Little Big League” is a smart movie about a kid who really understands baseball, “Angels” is a dumb movie about soppy sentimentality. The choice is clear.

(Whoa. I didn’t expect the … what’s the opposite of “stray”? Like all of a sudden huge props for Little Big League out of nowhere? Smart movie? That’s praise.)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wok7pG9_vX8/

(Ha. That was the whole movie. Like literally, his father telling him he’s off. The wish. The angels showing up for the first time. Most of the angel stuff. The press conference. And then literally the end of the pennant game. Might as well have shown the big twist ending. Why not?)

Directors – William Dear – ( Known For: Harry and the Hendersons; The Perfect Game; Simon Says; Timerider: The Adventure of Lyle Swann; The Foursome; Northville Cemetery Massacre; Free Style; Politics of Love; Nymph; Future BMT: Wild America; If Looks Could Kill; BMT: Angels in the Outfield; Notes: Hasn’t done much recently, but he was really plugged into the kids stuff back in the day. Harry and the Hendersons, the show of the same name, and then Dinosaurs pretty close together.)

Writers – Dorothy Kingsley – ( Known For: Angels in the Outfield; Valley of the Dolls; Seven Brides for Seven Brothers; Kiss Me Kate; Pal Joey; Green Mansions; Can-Can; Bathing Beauty; Dangerous When Wet; Pepe; Neptune’s Daughter; On an Island with You; A Date with Judy; Two Weeks with Love; It’s a Big Country: An American Anthology; Small Town Girl; Jupiter’s Darling; Don’t Go Near the Water; Easy to Wed; Broadway Rhythm; BMT: Angels in the Outfield; Notes: Nominated for an Oscar in 1955 for adapting Seven Brides for Seven Brothers. Oh you didn’t know Angels in the Outfield was originally a 1951 film? It was about the Pittsburgh Pirates.)

George Wells – ( Known For: Angels in the Outfield; Where the Boys Are; Lovely to Look At; Summer Stock; Penelope; Designing Woman; Take Me Out to the Ball Game; Three Little Words; Party Girl; Ask Any Girl; I Love Melvin; Three Bites of the Apple; It’s a Big Country: An American Anthology; The Gazebo; The Honeymoon Machine; The Hucksters; Everything I Have Is Yours; Don’t Go Near the Water; Cover Me Babe; The Toast of New Orleans; BMT: Angels in the Outfield; Notes: Same, wrote a bunch of stuff and then retired to sail and wrote a new novels.)

Richard Conlin – ( Known For: Angels in the Outfield; BMT: Angels in the Outfield; Notes: Somehow out of the three (who were all born prior to 1910) he was the only one who didn’t live to see this film released. He died in 1989. Seemed to have been a big Disney writer.)

Holly Goldberg Sloan – ( Known For: The Crocodile Hunter: Collision Course; Pure Country Pure Heart; Whispers: An Elephant’s Tale; The Secret Life of Girls; Future BMT: The Big Green; Made in America; BMT: Angels in the Outfield; Notes: I think it is pretty clear the success of adapting this kids’ film rolled right into The Big Green which was her first “writing” credit.)

Actors – Danny Glover – ( Known For: Saw; Shooter; The Color Purple; The Prince of Egypt; The Royal Tenenbaums; Jumanji: The Next Level; Lethal Weapon; The Dead Don’t Die; Witness; Sorry to Bother You; The Old Man & the Gun; Lethal Weapon 2; The Rainmaker; Dreamgirls; Silverado; Maverick; Escape from Alcatraz; Antz; Places in the Heart; Lethal Weapon 4; Future BMT: Barnyard; Wild America; Monster Trucks; Switchback; Pure Luck; The Shaggy Dog; Gone Fishin’; Flight of the Intruder; Operation Dumbo Drop; The Cookout; BMT: 2012; Angels in the Outfield; Dirty Grandpa; Predator 2; Alpha and Omega; Proud Mary; Notes: Claims he is going to be in Lethal Weapon 5 which has been in development for ever. We’ll see. He was too old for this shit in the 90s.)

Brenda Fricker – ( Known For: The Miracle Club; A Time to Kill; So I Married an Axe Murderer; My Left Foot; The Field; Albert Nobbs; Veronica Guerin; Closing the Ring; Trauma; Moll Flanders; Rory O’Shea Was Here; Stone of Destiny; Cloudburst; Locked In; The Intended; War Bride; How About You; A Man of No Importance; Tara Road; Conspiracy of Silence; Future BMT: Home Alone 2: Lost in New York; Masterminds; BMT: Angels in the Outfield; Notes: You’d probably know her from Home Alone 2 as the bird lady. I know her from So I Married an Axe Murderer which she played the mother. A huge character actor, but she won an Oscar for Support Actress for My Left Foot.)

Tony Danza – ( Known For: Crash; Don Jon; The Hollywood Knights; Rumble; Darby and the Dead; Glam; Cloud 9; Going Ape!; A Brooklyn State of Mind; Illtown; The Nail: The Story of Joey Nardone; Future BMT: She’s Out of Control; Meet Wally Sparks; Dear God; BMT: Angels in the Outfield; Cannonball Run II; Notes: Nominated for an Emmy as a Guest Star in The Practice. Huge TV star though in Taxi and Who’s the Boss? He actually was playing age appropriate as a definitely over the hill pitcher.)

Budget/Gross – $31 million / Domestic: $50,236,831 (Worldwide: $50,236,831)

(That is pretty good, but not excellent. I’m a bit skeptical of that budget though. I know you have to film in stadiums and stuff, but over 30 million for a kids’ film in the 90s? That seems nuts.)

Rotten Tomatoes – 32% (9/28): A queasy mishmash of poignant drama and slapstick fantasy, Angels in the Outfield strikes out as worthy family entertainment.

(If you don’t mention the ending then I don’t know what to say. The ending is really the only bit that strikes out.)

NYT Review: Big, dripping scoop of marshmallow sentiment, topped with whipped-cream spirituality.

Poster – Wranglers in the Outback Commercial

(Looks like the angel in the poster is totally flubbing that catch. What an idiot. That’s a better movie. Should have been a bunch of angels come down to stop the California Angels due to their blasphemous name and the team has to rally to beat them. Perfect. Oh, but the poster is a C+.)

Tagline(s) – It Could Happen. (C)

Ya Gotta Believe! (F)

(The first one is essentially the catchphrase of the main character’s sidekick in the film. It’s lame, but makes sense and is short. Hard pass on the second one.)

Keyword(s) – daddio

Top 10: The Shawshank Redemption (1994), The Godfather (1972), Scarface (1983), 12 Angry Men (1957), Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade (1989), Back to the Future Part II (1989), Dead Poets Society (1989), Citizen Kane (1941), The Game (1997), Dumb and Dumber (1994)

Future BMT: 79.0 Daddy Day Camp (2007), 58.9 Jury Duty (1995), 57.4 The NeverEnding Story II: The Next Chapter (1990), 57.1 Ghost Dad (1990), 50.8 Getting Even with Dad (1994), 50.5 Sleepwalkers (1992), 49.3 My Girl 2 (1994), 46.4 Daddy Day Care (2003), 44.6 Man of the House (1995), 41.6 My Baby’s Daddy (2004), 41.6 Speed Zone (1989), 41.3 Club Paradise (1986), 38.9 Fled (1996), 38.3 My Father the Hero (1994), 38.0 Dracula: Dead and Loving It (1995), 36.9 Desperate Hours (1990), 35.9 Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo (1984), 35.8 I Got the Hook Up (1998), 34.3 Spring Break (1983), 34.1 Father Hood (1993)

BMT: Speed 2: Cruise Control (1997), Troll 2 (1990), Super Mario Bros. (1993), Cool as Ice (1991), Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III (1993), Poltergeist III (1988), Shanghai Surprise (1986), Return to the Blue Lagoon (1991), The Lawnmower Man (1992), Arthur 2: On the Rocks (1988), Fire Birds (1990), Star Trek V: The Final Frontier (1989), Virtuosity (1995), Double Impact (1991), Police Academy 2: Their First Assignment (1985), Navy Seals (1990), Iron Eagle (1986), Rambo III (1988), High School High (1996), Ernest Goes to Jail (1990), Clifford (1994), Man Trouble (1992), Leviathan (1989), Universal Soldier (1992), Days of Thunder (1990), No Mercy (1986), The Postman (1997), Fools Rush In (1997), Eraser (1996), Hackers (1995), Rising Sun (1993), Magic in the Water (1995), Lock Up (1989), The Adventures of Ford Fairlane (1990)

Best Options (Serving Sara): 33.3 The Jerky Boys (1995), 26.1 Airheads (1994), 26.1 Feds (1988), 20.1 Art School Confidential (2006), 17.3 Hexed (1993), 16.7 Mr. Destiny (1990), 8.0 Let It Ride (1989)

(Ah right, that doesn’t appear because we had to scour the internet to find a way from Serving Sara to the 2023 cycle. This film played in 2002, I suppose somewhat ironically right before the Angels actually won the World Series. Amazing that you really can’t get to 2023 at all with a real 90s film though.)

Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 16) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Danny Glover is No. 1 billed in Angels in the Outfield and No. 3 billed in Proud Mary, which also stars Neal McDonough (No. 5 billed) who is in Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li (No. 3 billed) which also stars Chris Klein (No. 2 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 2 billed) => (1 + 3) + (5 + 3) + (2 + 2) = 16. If we were to watch Operation Dumbo Drop we can get the HoE Number down to 10.

Notes – Former A’s and Cardinals player Tony LaRussa and his family make a cameo appearance in the owner’s box, during the last game.

This film was not the only connection between Disney and the Angels. Two years after the film’s release, the Walt Disney Corporation bought the Angels, and owned the team until 2003. In addition, Walt Disney was one of the Angels’ original board members.

The character of Hank Murphy, the Angels’ owner, is loosely based on owner, actor and country music star Gene Autry, right down to the cowboy hat. Autry passed away October 1998. When the Anaheim Angels won the 2002 World Series, they dedicated their win to Autry.

Two of the actors who played Angels players, Adrien Brody and Matthew McConaughey, would go on to win Academy Awards for Best Actor.

At the time of its production and release, the Angels, who entered the American League in 1961 had never won an AL pennant or appeared in a World Series and were best known for their collapses in the ALCS. The Angels would lose their appearances in 1979, 1982 and 1986. Eight years after the film’s release, the Angels won both the franchise’s first AL Pennant and World Series championship in 2002.

Fools Rush In Recap

Jamie

Originally we were going to pair this film with Return to Savage Beach, an Andy Sidaris film that inexplicably aired just after prime time on Cinemax on September 1st, 1998. I gotta say, 10pm is simply not late enough to put on Return to Savage Beach, which is both hilarious and horrifying in the nude scenes that it puts on display every 5 minutes or so. We swapped it out mostly because I had watched it not that long ago and was hankering for some Die Hard thrills and chills. But if you get a chance you really should partake in some Sidaris action. The films he made became increasingly bizarre and Return to Savage Beach is late in his career. My favorite part was when near the end of the film two characters that haven’t yet had on-screen carnal relations say “I was just imagining something” and we are treated to a daydream of sorts where the characters jointly (?) imagine a sex role playing scenario where one is a cop and the other is a robber and well… anyway…

To recap, Matthew Perry is a workaholic club architect. He’s told by his buddy to take on a short term (but big headache) project in Las Vegas because then he’ll be free to open the NYC club of his dreams later that year. He hates Vegas, but agrees and soon finds himself living alone in LV. One night he meets Selma Hayek, a photographer working the strip, and they have a one night stand. Months later she shows up at his door and reveals that she’s pregnant. Oh my! He’s unsure what to do, but agrees to join her for a family dinner so that at least her family can meet the father of her child, even if it’s just once. Everything about her and her family enchants him and they elope. Her family is enraged, his friends think he’s crazy, and soon his work is suffering as he tries to balance his job with being a good husband to Hayek. Hilarity ensues mostly having to do with Hayek’s extended family and Perry’s own very conservative parents from Connecticut. When he finally gets the club open things start to unravel as his boss wants him to come back to NYC to start the dream project. He’s already promised to stay in Nevada till the baby is born and so when Hayek finds out he’s planning on them moving early she runs away and ends up in the hospital. She informs him that she lost the baby and it’s over and disappears. He heads back to NYC, but soon is seeing all kinds of signs that he is meant to find her. He flies to Mexico where she had been staying with her great-grandmother, but he’s told she’s left to go back to Las Vegas. He flies there just in time to stop her on the Hoover Dam where he finds out that she didn’t lose the baby after all (what a twist!). In fact she’s having it right now. Soon they are parents and smooch. THE END. 

I kept on waiting for the other shoe to drop in this film. When Hayek showed up with the story that she was pregnant I fully assumed this was a lie. That she was using a lie to get her ex-boyfriend off her back (like we saw her doing early in the film). But then when she realized Perry was such a good guy decided to marry him on a whim… It feels like the 90’s version of this film would have that edge. Something that you would look at and be like “yuck, why can’t romantic comedies be like they used to be?” But this isn’t the 90’s version of the film. This film reads much more like a 50’s romantic comedy or something because it’s just sweet through and through. They are both nice people who ultimately want to be with each other and have a family. Yay. Naturally there are some jokes that don’t land and the club he opens is hideous, but I enjoyed this film. Sue me (but don’t because you’ll lose. Liking this film is not against the law… yet). As for Deadly Outbreak, I wanted a Die Hard knockoff and I got one. The one odd aspect was that it is not an American film (it’s made and set in Israel), so it’s a little like a spaghetti western with subpar sound mixing and actors who clearly couldn’t speak english. But it was quite ridiculous, which is the name of the game. Some crazy stunts near the end as well. I just won’t mention how pretty much every film we watch for Bring a Friend has to involve a rape of some kind. Not sure why they feel the need to include that in every movie.

Hot Take Clam Bake! Maybe, and hear me out, maybe Hayek did lie. Yeah, she wasn’t pregnant at the beginning of the film at all. Like I thought, she just wanted her ex to stop bugging her and so she said she was pregnant and snatched up Perry. Of course! And that’s why they had to get married, so that they could have sex on their wedding night and she could get pregnant then! What a cunning ruse. He’s a workaholic so he probably doesn’t even notice that her pregnancy is mega-long. He’d think for a moment “wait, wasn’t she pregnant for like 12 months?” but then he’ll remember that his really super cool dolphin themed club that he’s opening in Reno next month has a whole VIP area dedicated to the 12 month gestation period of the dolphin. “Dolphins, humans, what’s the difference?” he’ll think, and shrug. Hot Take Temperature: Club Dolphino.  

Patrick?

Patrick

‘Ello everyone! Are we talking about another Matthew Perry romantic comedy, but this time he isn’t a horrible unlikable person, but instead is merely a workaholic obsessed with hot dogs? Let’s go!

I distinctly remember watching this film as a kid. And I think only because it was the first time I heard of Grey’s Papaya. And in my mind I was like “Oh dang, those must be such good hot dogs.” And then I went to New York and had one and I was like “huh … wait, was that an advertisement or some weird writer’s quirk and Grey’s Papaya is just like … normal hot dogs?” Write in and tell me: Is Grey’s Papaya just a tourist thing that Fools Rush In tricked me about, or is it a genuinely above average dog?

This film is pretty sweet. There is a reason Ebert gave it 3 stars. It is pretty heartfelt. Both main characters are fairly appealing. They are just on the right side of being an “odd couple” that it makes sense that it might work in an opposite attract kind of way, but also that it might not as a culture clash. Why did people not like it?

“Take away the ethnic/pregnancy angles, and we’ve seen this premise countless times,” aka “take away the premise of the film and you don’t have a film!” Thanks USA Today. The rest of the bad reviews are kind of the same. “[Look to] Fools Rush In to see a basic romantic comedy where opposites try to attract and find an unlikely happy ending.” That’s the consensus … like yeah? And? This is when Ebert’s “good for what it is” attitude made sense, when critics were crawling all over each other trying to tear apart Fools Rush In because it dares to not be profound and challenging.

There’s plenty to not like about the film. Arguably racist (although only a 2 out of 5 Soldier Boyz I think), people making some horrible decisions, seems like a weird advert for multiple products, a nonsensical and contrived ending. Plenty. Still liked it though.

Peak Selma Hayak is up there with peak J-Lo for being “almost too beautiful” in my opinion. Like it almost doesn’t make sense. They play it up too, Matthew Perry has multiple scenes of just staring at her, mouth agape.

As for the Friend this week we watched the Jeff Speakman classic Deadly Outbreak. Wait … what’s that now? Yeah, a weird martial arts film from a master of American Kenpo. Speakman basically had bit parts in a few other films (e.g. in Lionheart he is “Mansion Security Man”), then he goes on a streak of four martial arts films he stars in. This was his last, but we’ll watch the others eventually I think. He’s fairly charismatic, maybe on par with JCVD and Seagal. And his martial arts are actually quite good, using insanely fast blocks and punches. The Perfect Weapon has an almost implausibly large box office take, so he did get his shot. I would have to watch that to see just how it fumbled such that his big budget career pretty much ended there. Had the same director as Kickboxer (and ended the director’s directorial career as well). Anyways, this film? Really weird stuff that is a borderline advertisement for the Israeli military? Has good action, but ultimately feels long and boring. Naturally, as I’ve come to expect, they feel the need to involve attempted rape as a signal that the bad guys are bad. Great. I think this is like a C+. Reasonably entertaining, but nothing I’d ever return to. I think it is a zero out of five Soldier Boyz on the racism scale.

This is definitely a great Product Placement (What?) for Las Vegas, but also weirdly Grey’s Papaya. Setting as a Character (Where?) for Las Vegas for sure, but also Mexico and New York I suppose. Amazing Secret Holiday Film (When?) for the film starting on Christmas, a big scene occurring during Cinco de Mayo, and the transition to act three occurring on July 4th precisely. I think a Worst Twist (How?) for them accidentally getting divorced and remarried at the end of the film. I think this movie is definitely Good.

Go to the Quiz to hear about the sequel I have planned. Cheerios,

The Sklogs

Fools Rush In Quiz

Oh man, so get this. I was jetting around at the lake on my jetski when I fell off and really bopped my head good. Now I can’t remember a thing! Do you remember what happened in Fools Rush In?

Pop Quiz Hot Shot!

1) We open with our hero arriving triumphantly back at work from Miami at Christmas time. He’s off to Las Vegas now, but his real dream Club Dolphino would be centered where?

2) Well, whatever he’s in Las Vegas. And we got a meetcute on our hands! Where do Hayak and Perry meet for the first time?

3) Welp, now they have to get married, she’s pregnant. But he doesn’t really want his parents to know. Where does he say they are off to for the whole summer?

4) In the end he does successfully open Club Dolphino Las Vegas. Why is it a problem for him to go to his dream position on the Fourth of July though?

5) Well, he’s just got to have her though, so he jets off to Mexico, but alas, he’s too late! Where does he find her?

Bonus Question: Twenty five years later we meet up with Hayak at a dinner. Why is she going out to eat? 

Answers

Fools Rush In Preview

September 1st, 1994

Jamie and Patrick are looking radical. Hat? Backwards. Jeans? Also backwards. Arms? Crossed. Their summer had been spent consuming the weekly ‘zine Funky Fresh Horses that was just catching fire and they were saving their nickels and dimes to buy a horse. Their dad had one word of advice for them as they navigate this crazy thing we call life: “You better give up that bad movie thing if you want to save enough money for a horse.” With that he swept his arm in the general direction of the local stables and called it ‘nature’s movie.’ Despite this being wrong (Nature’s movie is a babbling brook) they venture forth and soon find themselves perusing the horses for sale. Suddenly their eyes alight on a beautiful steed. He’s everything that a couple funky fresh dudez could want in a horse. But just as they approach the stables they are pushed to the ground. “This horse isn’t for little babies,” some older kids say and begin to laugh at them. After they leave, Patrick sits ruminating in his devastation. Jamie paces about, rending his garments in despair. At that moment of true sorrow they suddenly hear a quiet voice. “Don’t worry,” it says, “I know exactly what to do.” They look around in confusion. They are the only ones here other than a single horse staring at them from the furthest stall. As they approach they read the name on the door, ‘Don.’ Jamie and Patrick hesitate. “We have to consider our past bad experiences with talking horses,” Patrick says quietly. “Right, and we can’t forget the Not Foolz Rule,” Jamie says, pulling out a very cool phrase he coined, “Don’t do what foolz do.” With that their eyes glaze over and they enter a patented Twin Memory. That’s right! We are watching Fools Rush In, the Matthew Perry vehicle that will have you asking the question: wait, is this the one where he pretends to be gay? Let’s go!

Fools Rush In (1997) – BMeTric: 28.1; Notability: 32

StreetCreditReport.com – BMeTric: top 20.4%; Notability: top 26.4%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 34.9%; Higher BMeT: Batman & Robin, Mortal Kombat: Annihilation, Speed 2: Cruise Control, Home Alone 3, Steel, Mr. Magoo, Double Team, Turbo: A Power Rangers Movie, Chairman of the Board, Spawn, Flubber, An American Werewolf in Paris, Turbulence, Fire Down Below, Jungle 2 Jungle, Gone Fishin’, McHale’s Navy, The Pest, Kull the Conqueror, Plump Fiction, and 31 more; Higher Notability: Batman & Robin, The Saint, Speed 2: Cruise Control, The Jackal, Dante’s Peak, The Postman, Flubber, Spawn, The Man Who Knew Too Little, The Relic, Fathers’ Day, The Devil’s Own, Red Corner, Meet Wally Sparks, Kiss the Girls, Event Horizon, An Alan Smithee Film: Burn Hollywood Burn, Fire Down Below, Mad City, Steel, and 46 more; Lower RT: Plump Fiction, Fall, The Blackout, The Peacekeeper, McHale’s Navy, Shadow Conspiracy, Gone Fishin’, Mortal Kombat: Annihilation, Speed 2: Cruise Control, The Pest, ‘Til There Was You, An American Werewolf in Paris, An Alan Smithee Film: Burn Hollywood Burn, Dangerous Ground, The Postman, Mr. Magoo, 8 Heads in a Duffel Bag, Keys to Tulsa, Double Team, Chairman of the Board, and 61 more; Notes: Amazingly, Fools Rush In was basically the biggest “tv film” around if you look through the list here. Batman & Robin played 56 times in the two or so years left in the 90s, Speed 2 played 64 times, but pretty much all the rest pale in comparison to Fools Rush In coming in at 51. Pretty impressive. Our friend this week is Deadly Outbreak with Jeff Speakman which played primetime (and I’m not joking) on the Saturday after Thanksgiving on Cinemax. Really trying to goose those DVD sales huh boys!

RogerEbert.com – 3.0 stars – In actual fact, of course, angels rush in where fools fear to tread. And that’s what happens to Alex Whitman, a fairly unexciting builder of nightclubs, when Isabel Fuentes comes into his life. Alex comes from Manhattan, where he leads the kind of WASP life that requires Jill Clayburgh as his mother. He’s in Las Vegas to supervise the construction of a new club, when he crosses paths with Isabel, a Mexican-American camera girl at Caesars, who believes in fate: “There is a reason behind all logic to bring us the exact same time and place.” The reason, which may be the oldest one in the world, leads them to the same bed for a one-night stand, which both insist they “never” do. But then Isabel disappears for three months, returning unexpectedly one day for a visit during which she asks for saltines (always an ominous sign) before telling Alex she is pregnant.

(I love it. I genuinely love when Ebert takes a film like this where it is just very confusing as to why exactly everyone is shitting on it and is like “huh … seems pretty good to me.” He’s right by the way, pretty heartfelt film about an unlikely couple just trying to make their way.)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hLKa24D1KUk/

(Besides the pretty in your face racism undertones, the film seems charming. I’d put peak Selma Hayak against any other actress in the history of cinema. It is absurd how attractive she is. And oddly? Matthew Perry doesn’t feel like he’s entirely out of his league. Is that weird?)

Directors – Andy Tennant – ( Known For: Ever After: A Cinderella Story; Hitch; The Secret: Dare to Dream; Anna and the King; Wild Oats; Future BMT: It Takes Two; BMT: Sweet Home Alabama; Fools Rush In; Fool’s Gold; The Bounty Hunter; Notes: Nominated for two Emmy for The Kominsky Method which he produced and directed a bit on. That seems to be his most recent work for the most part.)

Writers – Joan Taylor – ( BMT: Fools Rush In; Notes: Huh. She was an actress, but she retired from acting in the 60s. I think she might have written specs for a while because she has a few credited novels, so I imagine they dusted this bad boy off well after it was written and she got a story credit.)

Katherine Reback – ( BMT: Fools Rush In; Notes: Incredibly her only credit. At all. What an odd pair. It makes me wonder how this film was even made. I bet there are a million non-credited writers in the end.)

Actors – Matthew Perry – ( Known For: 17 Again; The Whole Nine Yards; The Kid; Numb; Birds of America; Getting In; Future BMT: She’s Out of Control; Almost Heroes; A Night in the Life of Jimmy Reardon; Three to Tango; BMT: Fools Rush In; The Whole Ten Yards; Serving Sara; Notes: He claims that this is the film where his pain killer addiction began which on-and-off derailed his acting career quite publicly. Either he was just doing it for fun or there is a scene involving jet skis where he got injured.)

Salma Hayek – ( Known For: The Faculty; From Dusk Till Dawn; Puss in Boots: The Last Wish; Eternals; Sausage Party; Traffic; House of Gucci; Dogma; Here Comes the Boom; Magic Mike’s Last Dance; Desperado; Savages; The Hitman’s Bodyguard; Frida; Spy Kids 3: Game Over; Puss in Boots; Four Rooms; Tale of Tales; Once Upon a Time in Mexico; Across the Universe; Future BMT: After the Sunset; 54; Cirque du Freak: The Vampire’s Assistant; Like a Boss; How to Be a Latin Lover; Fled; BMT: Grown Ups; Grown Ups 2; Hitman’s Wife’s Bodyguard; Wild Wild West; Fools Rush In; Fair Game; Notes: Nominated for an Oscar for Midaq Alley. Married to the son of French billionaire Francois Pinault who is the CEO of Kering.)

Jon Tenney – ( Known For: Tombstone; I See You; The Phantom; Wild Mountain Thyme; Rabbit Hole; You Can Count on Me; Nixon; Free Willy 2: The Adventure Home; Buying the Cow; Lassie; The Seagull; Homegrown; Guilty by Suspicion; Music from Another Room; As Cool as I Am; Hide Away; The Twilight of the Golds; Lovelife; Looking for Comedy in the Muslim World; Entropy; Future BMT: Legion; The Best of Me; The Stepfather; Love the Coopers; BMT: Green Lantern; Beverly Hills Cop III; Fools Rush In; Notes: Mostly a television actor, he is notably in the new Sex and the City show. I think even more notably he was a regular on The Closer with Kyra Sedgwick appearing in over 100 episodes. That’s what they call me at work. Kyra Sedgwick. Because I close.)

Budget/Gross – $20 million / Domestic: $29,481,428 (Worldwide: $29,481,428)

(That’s not half bad, but also not whole good. It was a wild time there where Matthew Perry was a decent romantic comedy leading man.)

Rotten Tomatoes – 34% (11/32): Only Fools Rush In to see a basic romantic comedy where opposites try to attract and find an unlikely happy ending.

(Yeah, on paper it is a standard formula with a few modern updates. There must have been something about Perry because it is a bit inexplicable that critics hated such harmless stuff … right? Were we just way harsher back then?)

NYT Short Review: A wisecracking New York WASP and a feisty latina have a shotgun wedding following a one-night stand.

Poster – Foolz Crush In

(Someone here was having fun with what was otherwise a very bad and forgettable poster (look at that font. Gross). Look at that tiny NYC with those tiny twin towers. And look at the two cacti to the left of those. Clever girl. D+)

Tagline(s) – What if finding the love of your life meant changing the life that you loved? (C-)

(I know you meant well and were on the right track, but I didn’t finish reading that because it’s like a Charles Dickens novel. Are you being paid by the word? Can’t even fit on the poster in legible font.)

Keyword(s) – daddio

Top 10: The Shawshank Redemption (1994), The Godfather (1972), Scarface (1983), 12 Angry Men (1957), Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade (1989), Back to the Future Part II (1989), Dead Poets Society (1989), Citizen Kane (1941), The Game (1997), Dumb and Dumber (1994)

Future BMT: 79.0 Daddy Day Camp (2007), 58.9 Jury Duty (1995), 57.4 The NeverEnding Story II: The Next Chapter (1990), 57.1 Ghost Dad (1990), 50.8 Getting Even with Dad (1994), 50.5 Sleepwalkers (1992), 49.3 My Girl 2 (1994), 46.4 Daddy Day Care (2003), 44.6 Man of the House (1995), 41.6 My Baby’s Daddy (2004), 41.6 Speed Zone (1989), 41.3 Club Paradise (1986), 38.9 Fled (1996), 38.3 My Father the Hero (1994), 38.0 Dracula: Dead and Loving It (1995), 36.9 Desperate Hours (1990), 35.9 Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo (1984), 35.8 I Got the Hook Up (1998), 34.3 Spring Break (1983), 34.1 Father Hood (1993)

BMT: Speed 2: Cruise Control (1997), Troll 2 (1990), Super Mario Bros. (1993), Cool as Ice (1991), Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III (1993), Poltergeist III (1988), Shanghai Surprise (1986), Return to the Blue Lagoon (1991), The Lawnmower Man (1992), Arthur 2: On the Rocks (1988), Fire Birds (1990), Star Trek V: The Final Frontier (1989), Virtuosity (1995), Double Impact (1991), Police Academy 2: Their First Assignment (1985), Navy Seals (1990), Iron Eagle (1986), Rambo III (1988), High School High (1996), Ernest Goes to Jail (1990), Clifford (1994), Man Trouble (1992), Leviathan (1989), Universal Soldier (1992), Days of Thunder (1990), No Mercy (1986), The Postman (1997), Fools Rush In (1997), Eraser (1996), Hackers (1995), Rising Sun (1993), Magic in the Water (1995), Lock Up (1989), The Adventures of Ford Fairlane (1990)

Best Options (Romance): 38.3 My Father the Hero (1994), 34.3 Spring Break (1983), 32.2 It Takes Two (1995), 28.1 Fools Rush In (1997), 22.7 Moonlight and Valentino (1995), 20.1 Art School Confidential (2006), 18.3 The Art of Getting By (2011), 16.7 Mr. Destiny (1990)

(My God, My Father the Hero is going to be a wild one eventually. I remember seeing it in pieces on television way back, and fat Gerard Depardieu shambling about with very young women around him is harrowing to say the least. Glad we didn’t do that one. This is the main genuine option in my opinion if you wanted one that played on a birthday.)

Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 15) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Matthew Perry is No. 1 billed in Fools Rush In and No. 2 billed in The Whole Ten Yards, which also stars Bruce Willis (No. 1 billed) who is in Armageddon (No. 1 billed) which also stars Ben Affleck (No. 3 billed) who is in Pearl Harbor (No. 1 billed) which also stars Josh Hartnett (No. 3 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 3 billed) => (1 + 2) + (1 + 1) + (3 + 1) + (3 + 3) = 15. If we were to watch Like a Boss we can get the HoE Number down to 13.

Notes – The role of Alex’s (Matthew Perry) father is played by John Bennett Perry, who is actually Matthew Perry’s father.

Before the movie was filmed, there was no Arizona/Nevada “border” painted on the highway that spans the Hoover Dam. When it was added for the movie, local officials decided to keep it intact after the filming of the movie. As of September 2005 the border painted in the street is no longer there.

Jennifer Lopez was offered the role of Isabel Fuentes but turned it down in favor of Anaconda (1997).

John Bennett Perry (Alex’s father), Matthew Perry’s father, was in another of his son’s work. He played the father of Joshua, Rachel’s boyfriend, on FRIENDS. They would also play father and son in an episode of Scrubs.

Matthew Perry credits a jet ski accident on the set of this film as fuelling his addiction with prescription drugs

Expend4bles Recap

Jamie

Disaster! Now that I have your attention I think this is an appropriate forum to further discuss the steady decline in available BMT films entering our BMT Treasure Chest (BMTTC). From time immemorial we have used a simple calculation to differentiate wheat from chaff. A rottentomatoes score <40%  (because let’s face it, 60% is far too high… that’s a crazy number) and the requirement that the film was a “wide release” (typically >600 theaters, although we’ve at times gone with a more qualitative “vibes” based approach). Recent events, however, have conspired against us. This is likely because our vast bad movie funds and legions of fans have put the fear of god into movie studios across the globe and they’ve banded together to foil us. How? By making only good movies? No! By releasing fewer and fewer movies to theaters and then paying reviewers to give good reviews to the crap that do make it that far (the views of the author do not reflect the views of BMTCorp). Fiends! In all seriousness, we actually are heading for a breaking point and I think we really would have had to consider some changes to our rulez if Expend4bles hadn’t qualified. But boy did it ever. It’s still a horrible sign that the BMT Live! films this year consisted of two Jason Statham sequels and a Liam Neeson film (plus the dino flick, 65). Feels like we are playing in an ever shrinking pool. But we persist and we survive and Expend4bles means we can put off such drastic rulez changez for another year. Yay!

To recap! Barney Ross is back, Jack! And so is Lee Christmas. They are getting the “gang” back together, which really means they have two old timers (Dolph Lundgren and Randy Couture) plus a bunch of randos like 50 Cent. They are tasked with flying into Libya to prevent a terrorist named Suarto from getting his hands on some nuclear weapons and delivering them to the big bad, Ocelot. They punch and kick and shoot real hard, but it’s not enough. Not only do they lose the warheads, but Barney is shot down and definitely dies for sure. No chance Sly Stallone survived the plane crash. Because if there’s one thing I know about Sly it’s that he loves to pass his franchises onto the next generation. Everyone is sad (because Sly definitely died) and Christmas gets even sadder when he’s informed by their government handler, Marsh, that he’s off the team and his GF, Megan Fox, is taking over. After planting a tracking device on Fox, Christmas tracks them to a tanker in the Pacific Ocean with the help of former Expendable, Decha. When they get onto the tanker, though, it’s a trap! All the Expendables are captured and Marsh is forced to negotiate for the release of a prisoner who can identify Ocelot. When Christmas arrives the Expendables have already escaped so they all team up to take down Suarto. However, when the prisoner arrives it’s revealed that Marsh is Ocelot (what a twist!). All the expendables leave the boat, which is set to explode and spark a war, while Christmas stays behind to try to turn the boat around. Just when it appears all is lost and Marsh’s plan will succeed, Sly Stallone arrives (what a double twist!). Turns out he just faked his death to lure out Ocelot (who could have guessed?). He kills Marsh with a helicopter, scoops up Christmas, and sinks the tanker to reduce the impact of the explosion (all in about 20 seconds). They then celebrate good times. THE END. 

Wooooooow. And I thought the third film was bad. This is basically not a film. At times gross. At other times super dumb. Always terrible looking. This film really exemplifies what has become a common theme in BMT: Jason Statham is game. Doesn’t matter what the script is or what you have him do. That check clears and he’s ready to sell whatever line you are having him say. The acting in this is terrible and the twists are inane. Never for one moment did I believe Sly Stallone was actually dead. Why? He is famous for forcing people to pry franchises out of his grip. You think he’s giving up Expendables? Get out of here. I just really can’t express my pleasure in watching this terrible, terrible movie. It’s gives me BMT hope for our BMT future. My one concern? This still ended up at 14% on RT. This is a <10% film if I’ve ever seen one. 

Hot Take Clam Bake! Sly Stallone actually did die in the film. “Barney” who showed up at the end was actually his twin brother. That’s the mega-twist of the film. That Barney was a secret twin and that secret twin, let’s call him Rarney, is even more badass. You know what? I’m starting to vibe with this super-secret twin film. Expend4bles? More like Twin-pendables. Let’s make them all twins. Technology can do anything! We’re going to live foreeevvveeerrrrrrrr. Hot Take Temperature: Sizzling Megan Fox/Statham sex scene.

Patrick

‘Ello everyone! Are we talking about ancient Methuselah Stallone showing up for, oh say, 15% of a film and then pawning off the rest to BMT Legend Jason Statham? Hell ye4h we 4re! Let’s go!

I will say it again: don’t you dare allow Jason Statham anywhere near his natural habitat of water. He’ll Olympic dive right into your stupid face.

Right off the top, and I don’t know if other people noticed this, but this film basically doesn’t have a soundtrack. It is mostly scored. There are songs on occasion, but they are mostly played for jokes (Some Blue Oyster Cult during the not-funeral which Statham makes light of, and, naturally, some 50 Cent they got for free). I guess my point is, if there was ever a movie which demanded some sick tunes in the action scenes, this one is it, and yet … really nothing. Bizarre. I think my actual point is: is this the cheapest film of all time. What did they spend any money on?

Could anything have been more telegraphed than Stallone not actually dying in the beginning. God forbid they do something daring or interesting in these films like let someone die a plot advancing death.

Megan Fox is awful, but so is everyone else. She did do that flippy thing where she like jumps on a person and spins around them for the take down. It is like an obligation at this point.

This entire film is kind of an obligation now that I think about it.

Half the film takes place, ultimately, on a rather silly tanker set with way too wide of hallways, and it looks dumb (aka like a set).

And then in the end there is a different dumb twist where Andy Garcia was the bad guy all along, who would have thunk it?

Oh and of course Stallone comes back and details how he killed a man in cold blood for funsies, and everyone laughs and laughs and laughs.

This film is aggressively dumb, and the only regret is that it did so poorly it is almost certain that the planned sequels won’t be made or, if they are, they’ll Escape Plan it and they’ll be sold off to VOD. Which is all the worse for the long term BMT health. In reality, to put this in terms we all understand: Meg 2: The Trench is a Happy Statham for BMT because it made a lot of money so they’ll probably make Meg 3 and it’ll probably also be bad. Expend4bles on the other hand is a Sad Statham for BMT because it made no money and so it won’t be fruitful and multiply creating little BMT sequels for us to watch.

I guess for Expendable5 we’ll just have to cross that bridge. Maybe by then we’ll have to unveil our new criteria to allow for 52 films to actually qualify instead of the paltry 22 so far. We had 23 last year. We haven’t had a full 52+ BMT slate since 2017, and I have a feeling we’ll hit 10 years quite easily by that metric.

I do love an odd Product Placement (What?) and this time you can see quite a few advertisements for Helix Vodka sprinkled in the film which is kind of funny. As for Setting as a Character (Where?) why are so many Statham films vaguely set around Thailand, ultimately though this ends up being set around the easternmost tip of Russia. Obviously you need a sweet MacGuffin (Why?) in the form of an actual genuine undisarmable nuke. And a double dose of Worst Twist (How?) for the reveal of Garcia as the big bad, and Stallone as not having died. This film is oh so so so so Bad.

Read about my idea for Expendable5: Esc4ape Plan in the Quiz. Cheerios,

The Sklogs

Expend4bles Quiz

‘Ello everyone! You know what really fucks you up? Like constant successive blasts from being in a warzone for basically decades. I have tinnitus and like a million concussions. I don’t even remember my own name half the time let alone this movie. Do you remember what happened in Expend4bles?

Pop Quiz Hot Shot!

1) In the beginning Sly wants Statham to come and help him murder a bunch of people in cold blood. Why?

2) Cool cool cool. Anyways, what precisely are the big bad buys obtaining in … Libya? Somewhere in a desert. It is never very clear.

3) After getting fired for trying to save Sly’s life, Statham gets another job. What is it?

4) How does Statham then try and track the Expendable crew to their mission? After having sex with Megan Fox how does he actually do it?

5) So .. who’s Ocelot and how does Statham stop the boat from blowing up a nuke off the coat of Russia?

Bonus Question: Well the whole crew is back baby! But what is their next mission?

Answers

Expend4bles Preview

September 1st, 1995

Jamie and Patrick are looking wizard. Hat? Funky. Jeans? Fresh. Riding? Horses. They’re about to turn nine and are deep into the latest horse craze sweeping the nation. Their dad had one word of advice for them as they navigate this crazy thing we call life: “How do you have so much time to watch all this bad stuff while also taking care of that horse?” With that he swept his arm in the general direction of a nearby beautiful meadow and called it ‘nature’s movie.’ Despite this being wrong (Nature’s movie is Fern Gully: The Last Rainforest) they venture forth and find themselves knee deep in grass as Don, their horse, eats his fill. “This is nice, actually,” Jamie begins, running his hands through the tall grass. “It’s not quite as nice as water, but it’s close. Because in water no one can see you nude and in the water…” but before he can finish his thought on why water and the tall grass are similar in one specific way they hear the sound of horses approaching. They hop on Don, but it’s too late, they’re surrounded by a bunch of older kids on their own horses. “What are we going to do?” Don says, which is worrisome, because Don usually knows exactly what to do. “Nice horse,” one of the kids says, but before the compliment can land he pulls out a quick “NOT!” and everyone laughs. As the kids ride away, still laughing, Jamie and Patrick’s eyes narrow. “They are foolz and we are the cure for foolz,” Jamie says, pulling out a very cool phrase he coined. With that their eyes glaze over and they enter a patented Twin Memory in order to remember such a cure for foolz. That’s right! You might remember a similarly cool phrase uttered by Sly Stallone in Cobra. Well we aren’t watching that (unfortunately). Instead we are taking it LIVE and watching Expend4bles. I had been worried that the film might be so stupid that reviewers would be like “If you are real dumb you’ll like this. Who am I to judge? 2.5 stars.” But nope! This got some real real real bad reviews. Hooray! Let’s go!

Expend4bles (2023) – BMeTric: 42.8; Notability: 33

StreetCreditReport.com – BMeTric: top 4.0%; Notability: top 0.8%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 0.5%; Higher BMeT: Meg 2: The Trench, The Black Demon, Knights of the Zodiac, 65, The Ritual Killer, The Out-Laws, Insidious: The Red Door, White Men Can’t Jump, Hypnotic, Expend4bles; Higher Notability: Fool’s Paradise, Ghosted; Lower RT: The Ritual Killer; Notes: The BMeT ones are fascinating. The Black Demon? The Ritual Killer? The Out-Laws? Never heard of any of these. The Black Demon is, somehow, a knock off The Meg. The Ritual Killer is a Morgan Freeman film where it seems like a serial killer uses magic to kill people maybe? And now that I look at it I now remember that The Out-Laws is an Adam DeVine comedy about a bank robbery. I guess the point is: at some point we have to expand our horizons to include nonsense like The Out-Laws at least, so how should we do it? BMeT? Hardly. But something we have to think about.

RogerEbert.com – 1.0 stars – “The Expendables” had a simple enough concept—gather a bunch of ’80s-era action cinema icons, including Sylvester Stallone, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Bruce Willis, Dolph Lundgren, and Mickey Rourke, and bring them together for an old-school-style shoot-em-up in which they, along with such current familiar faces (and pecs) as Jason Statham, Jet Li, Randy Couture, and Steve Austin, joined forces to blow things up real good. The film was no masterpiece, but the aggressively retro approach—it felt like exactly the kind of thing that the late great Cannon Films might have conjured up if they were still in business—had a certain lunkheaded charm, and it wound up being a surprise hit. Two sequels followed in 2012 and 2014, and while neither one lived up to the exceedingly mild promise of their predecessor, they served their purpose as B-movie fodder and a way for veteran action stars (including Harrison Ford, Chuck Norris, Wesley Snipes, Jean-Claude Van Damme, Antonio Banderas and, inexplicably, Kelsey Grammer) to kill a couple of adequately-paid weeks reliving the good old days—sort of the genre equivalent of a Hall of Fame game.

“Expend4bles” is just an embarrassment from start to finish, and the only positive thing to say about it is that it should pretty much put a nail in the coffin of a series that has clearly overstayed its welcome. At least for another decade.

(Yeah, that sounds about right. And finally. Something like this is bad for what it is, instead of merely good for what it is. Read the review. It put it into lunkheaded context and found it wanting even from the modest premise. More of that please.)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cm3Z1jEjHHc/

(We heard who? Oh yeah, I forgot the whole advertising campaign revolved around how they were going to make this movie rated-R and that was supposed to make it better somehow.)

Directors – Scott Waugh – ( Known For: Hidden Strike; 6 Below: Miracle on the Mountain; Future BMT: Act of Valor; BMT: Expend4bles; Need for Speed; Notes: He is tapped for an upcoming Schwarzenegger film called Breakout (secret sequel to Escape Plan?). Also he is apparently directing a film starring a few wrestlers.)

Writers – Kurt Wimmer – ( Known For: Equilibrium; The Thomas Crown Affair; Salt; Children of the Corn; The Misfits; The Recruit; Spell; Double Trouble; The Neighbor; Relative Fear; Future BMT: Law Abiding Citizen; Total Recall; Street Kings; BMT: Expend4bles; Point Break; Ultraviolet; Notes: Wrote the original book the first film was based on … naw I’m joking. For his film Equilibrium he claims to have invented “Gun Kata” a fictional martial art discipline. He also wrote the upcoming Statham film The Beekeepers.)

Tad Daggerhart – (BMT: Expend4bles; Notes: One of those guys which are so new to the scene they don’t have a TMDB profile yet. He acted a bit, was in script continuity for a bit, but then wrote this and a non-film called Black Lotus this year.)

Max Adams – ( Known For: Heist; Extraction; Precious Cargo; BMT: Expend4bles; Notes: He served in the armed forces, so his writing credits definitely skew that direction.)

Spenser Cohen – ( Known For: Extinction; BMT: Expend4bles; Moonfall; Notes: He has an upcoming film he is writing-directing called Horrorscope in which (can you guess?) a group of teens begin dying based on their horoscope after getting their fortunes told.)

Dave Callaham – ( Known For: Spider-Man: Across the Spider-Verse; The Expendables; Mortal Kombat; Wonder Woman 1984; Godzilla; Shang-Chi and the Legend of the Ten Rings; Zombieland: Double Tap; Horsemen; America: The Motion Picture; Tell Tale; BMT: Expend4bles; The Expendables 3; Doom; Notes: Yeah, a big writer, mostly on big budget films and often comic book oriented. He is writing the new Masters of the Universe film.)

Actors – Jason Statham – ( Known For: Fast X; The Expendables; The Expendables 2; The Meg; Operation Fortune: Ruse de Guerre; Spy; Snatch; F9: The Fast Saga; Wrath of Man; Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels; Collateral; Fast & Furious Presents: Hobbs & Shaw; Furious 7; The Fate of the Furious; The Italian Job; Furious 6; Homefront; The Transporter; The Mechanic; Parker; Future BMT: The Pink Panther; The One; War; Turn It Up; BMT: Expend4bles; Meg 2: The Trench; The Expendables 3; Crank; Mechanic: Resurrection; Crank: High Voltage; Killer Elite; In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale; Ghosts of Mars; Notes: Wow, very close to our tenth Statham. He has three Hall of Fame films. I wonder if anyone else beats that (unofficial check: from what I can tell Travolta and Stallone also have three as of this year).)

50 Cent – ( Known For: Spy; Southpaw; Den of Thieves; Escape Plan; Morning Glory; Last Vegas; The Frozen Ground; Popstar: Never Stop Never Stopping; Escape Plan: The Extractors; The Prince; Escape Plan 2: Hades; 13; Fire with Fire; Twelve; All Things Fall Apart; Freelancers; Home of the Brave; Setup; Gun; Dead Man Running; Future BMT: Get Rich or Die Tryin’; BMT: Expend4bles; Righteous Kill; Notes: An oddly charmed film career. Although some of the non-BMT films actually are just too small. Escape Plan 2 is absolutely dire, but it wasn’t released to theaters in the end.)

Megan Fox – ( Known For: Jennifer’s Body; This Is 40; Transformers; Till Death; Midnight in the Switchgrass; The Dictator; Night Teeth; Johnny & Clyde; Good Mourning; Above the Shadows; Zeroville; Rogue; Big Gold Brick; Taurus; Friends with Kids; The Battle of Jangsari; Think Like a Dog; Passion Play; Whore; Future BMT: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Out of the Shadows; Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen; Bad Boys II; Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen; How to Lose Friends & Alienate People; BMT: Expend4bles; Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles; Jonah Hex; Notes: What is the opposite of an oddly charmed film career? Blasted onto the scene when Michael Bay cast her in multiple Transformers films. She’s stuck around though, and even has some cult classics floating around. Was married to Brian Austin Green for 10 years, they have three kids together, but divorced a few years ago.)

Budget/Gross – $100 million / Domestic: $14,336,200 (Worldwide: $26,064,529)

(Yeah it was disastrous. There is almost no way they continue with the series, despite Sly’s contention that there will be more. The last stunk, this stunk, and now it is box office poison. Not a chance.)

Rotten Tomatoes – 13% (15/119): Solid work from Jason Statham and some halfway decent set pieces aren’t enough to make up for Expend4bles’ lackluster action and cheap-looking effects.

(Solid work by Jason Statham sounded unlikely initially … but yeah, I suppose he is always game for a little action smash’em’up so it actually seems quite likely.)

Reviewer Highlight: The film’s last reel is so awful — so sneeringly contemptuous of our good-faith efforts to play along with these shenanigans — that we leave the theater still thinking of that shot of a corpse’s middle finger. It sure seemed pointed at us. – Amy Nicholson, The New York Times

Poster – Depend4bles

(Nailed it. Big ol’ meh to this guy. Just all the people and then zany colors for… I guess I don’t really know why. C-.)

Tagline(s) – Old blood meets new blood. (D)

(Nope. That ain’t it.)

Keyword(s) – year 2023

Top 10: Oppenheimer (2023), Barbie (2023), Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 3 (2023), John Wick: Chapter 4 (2023), Spider-Man: Across the Spider-Verse (2023), Ant-Man and the Wasp: Quantumania (2023), The Super Mario Bros. Movie (2023), Dungeons & Dragons: Honor Among Thieves (2023), The Flash (2023), Pathaan (2023)

Future BMT: 82.1 Winnie the Pooh: Blood and Honey (2023), 47.0 Insidious: The Red Door (2023), 44.0 Hypnotic (2023), 42.6 House Party (2023), 37.8 Fool’s Paradise (2023), 35.5 Mafia Mamma (2023), 30.2 The Machine (2023), 30.1 About My Father (2023), 28.9 My Big Fat Greek Wedding 3 (2023), 28.6 Love Again (2023), 25.2 Fear (2023), 21.7 Haunted Mansion (2023), 10.3 The Exorcist: Believer (2023), 7.5 Sweetwater (2023)

BMT: Meg 2: The Trench (2023), 65 (2023), Expend4bles (2023), Retribution (2023)

Best Options (Action): 44.0 Hypnotic (2023), 42.0 Expend4bles (2023), 35.5 Mafia Mamma (2023), 30.2 The Machine (2023)

(Hypnotic will almost certainly be the action choice for the end of the year cycle, so we’ll have hit a solid set of bad guys by the end. We are not watching Winnie the Pooh: Blood and Honey though. I refuse.)

Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 6) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Jason Statham is No. 1 billed in Expend4bles and No. 1 billed in In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale, which also stars Leelee Sobieski (No. 3 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 1 billed) => (1 + 1) + (3 + 1) = 6. There is no shorter path at the moment.

Notes – Jason Statham has expressed his love for The Expendables. On co-star Sylvester Stallone, he said “Working with Sylvester Stallone is beyond a pinch yourself moment. I remember growing up watching his films, and to be directed by him, and to be in a movie that he’s produced, and to be shoulder to shoulder with Sly is a privilege any man who loves action movies would never turn their nose up at. I mean, it’s terrific. I’ll do as many as he wants.”

Sylvester Stallone while promoting The Expendables 3 (2014) DVD/Blu-ray release of the movie, Stallone commented that if a fourth film happens, it will definitely be R-rated unlike the PG-13 rated The Expendables 3 (2014) as he states on the matter: “Absolutely unequivocally yes,” he confirmed. “I believe it was a horrible miscalculation on everyone’s part in trying to reach a wider audience, but in doing such, diminish the violence that the audience expects. I’m quite certain it won’t happen again.”

Sylvester Stallone confirmed this is the first of a new trilogy.

Sylvester Stallone’s first choice for the villain was Jack Nicholson.

Jason Statham was the first actor, besides Sylvester Stallone, to say he will be returning for this film.