What form does purgatory take in the Dante poem Purgatorio? An island-mountain? Hell naw, you know that shit is a rail-yard filled with crows. Let’s go!
Pop Quiz Hot Shot!
1) Brandon Lee and Bill Skarsgård played The Crow on the big screen, but Mark Dacascos played him on television in The Crow: Stairway to Heaven. He’s been in three BMT films, Cradle 2 the Grave, The Island of Dr. Moreau, and what video game adaptation as Jimmy Lee?
2) The film stars UK musician FKA twigs. What does FKA stand for?
3) A song by Enya is on the soundtrack that is named for a queen of the ancient British Iceni tribe who led an uprising against the conquering Romans around AD 60. What is this queen’s name?
4) The crow is (famously, if you are into early Reddit lore) a corvid. Corvids include magpies, rooks, jays, among many others. What corvid shares a name with a type of doll often seen around the Christmas season?
5) The Crow was nominated for two Razzie awards, but the most surprising was that it didn’t win for Worst Remake, Rip-off, or Sequel. Which (future BMT) film ultimately won that crown?
Bonus NYTimes Listing Question: On November 22, 1996 The Crow premiered on primetime on Channel 11. Competing with it on HBO was this film:
The cat was a rousing success. His name was Mr. Whiskers and Patrick loved him with all his heart. The cat loved Mondays and hated lasagna, which went against everything he knew about cats, but he was a perfect pet despite these deficiencies. So Jamie didn’t take to the cat. So what? All that meant was that Patrick and Mr. Whiskers could spend so much more time at the Hallston Public Library. As Patrick spins around the stacks revelling in all the knowledge he could gain, Mr. Whiskers gives out a loud “Meow.” “What is it boy,” Patrick says, hurrying to a corner of the library he hadn’t yet explored. He comes to a screeching halt near Mr. Whiskers and gives out a gasp. “My word, they have comic books too?!” Patrick says. “What doesn’t this place have?!” A nearby nerd gives a snort and goes back to his comic. Patrick narrows his eyes. But there is no time to pound some dweebs. He goes to where Mr. Whiskers is crouched and his eyes alight on the comic (or more accurately, the graphic novel) that he is pawing. “But that can’t be right, Mr. Whiskers,” Patrick says confused. “It looks too sad. Jamie needs something happy.” But Mr. Whiskers is insistent, pawing and meowing even more urgently. Patrick thinks for a moment and the lightbulb goes off. “Mr. Whiskers, you are a genius.” A week later he surprises Jamie during one of his many naps. “Hey buddy,” Patrick says softly, shaking his shoulder and bringing a crate onto his bed. “You wanna say hello to my other little friend?” Jamie just rolls over and pretends not to hear him, but shoots upright as the creature in the cage gives out a loud “Caw!” That’s right! That’s the ‘Caw!’ of The Crow remake. I had my eye on this for ages, but we had to bide out time for the end of the year cycle. It’s just too good. Let’s go!
The Crow (2024) – BMeTric: 67.8; Notability: 33
StreetCreditReport.com –BMeTric: top 1.6%; Notability: top 5.6%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 9.3%; Higher BMeT: Madame Web, Borderlands, The American Society of Magical Negroes, Uglies; Higher Notability: Joker: Folie à Deux, Reagan, Borderlands, The Garfield Movie, Madame Web, Back to Black, Here, Argylle, Kraven the Hunter, Lift, Rebel Moon – Part Two: The Scargiver, Red One, Jackpot!, Atlas; Lower RT: Tyler Perry’s Divorce in the Black, Megamind vs. The Doom Syndicate, Borderlands, Madame Web, Air Force One Down, Mother of the Bride, Kraven the Hunter, Breathe, Uglies, Rebel Moon – Part Two: The Scargiver, Justice League: Crisis on Infinite Earths – Part Two, Tarot, Reagan, Killer Heat, Canary Black, Mea Culpa, Atlas, Night Swim, Dear Santa, Trigger Warning, and 1 more; Notes: Tyler Perry had a film this year? It got 0 good reviews out of 17, that is incredible. Welp, we’ll never watch that.
RogerEbert.com – 2.5 stars – There’s a scene in the movie where Eric and Shelly are walking across a bridge and Shelly not-really-jokingly talks about jumping, and they envision a double-jump ending in their deaths, and Shelly imagines that teenagers would make shrines to them. I think that in time, teenagers will make their own shrines to this movie, in their own ways. It’s the kind of movie where, if you saw it when you were 14, you’d see it ten or twenty more times, and be inspired to check out books from the library, maybe memorize some poetry.
(Oh wowza, I really really disagree with that. That feels like a ludicrous take. No teenager is watching this film. And the idea that watching the two worst people you’ve ever met read poetry would inspire someone to do the same is a terrifying prospect indeed.)
(“Quite brilliantly broken”, immediately I find these characters obnoxious. That fundamentally is the issue with the film. I always describe it as: Imagine if the worst people you’ve ever met became superheroes. Rough stuff.)
Directors – Rupert Sanders – ( Known For: Snow White and the Huntsman; Ghost in the Shell; BMT: The Crow; Notes: My god, that is a pretty dire career. Amazing that he’s only managed one BMT film.)
Writers – James O’Barr – ( Known For: The Crow; The Crow: Salvation; The Crow: Wicked Prayer; Future BMT: The Crow: City of Angels; BMT: The Crow; Notes: The writer of the comic book. His story is pretty interesting, it is worth a read, a true blue independent comic book creator.)
Zach Baylin – ( Known For: King Richard; Gran Turismo; Creed III; Bob Marley: One Love; The Order; BMT: The Crow; Notes: Nominated for an Oscar for King Richard. Again a little surprised he only has one … Creed III is pretty rough.)
William Josef Schneider – ( BMT: The Crow; Notes: Kind of weird, he is an executive producer, and this is all he has basically in his filmography.)
Actors – Bill Skarsgård – ( Known For: Deadpool 2; It; Eternals; John Wick: Chapter 4; It Chapter Two; Atomic Blonde; Barbarian; The Devil All the Time; Anna Karenina; Boy Kills World; Assassination Nation; Villains; Nine Days; Simple Simon; Arn: The Kingdom at the End of the Road; Behind Blue Skies; Naked Singularity; Simon och ekarna; The Crown Jewels; Kenny Begins; Future BMT: Allegiant; BMT: The Crow; Notes: Swedish. I did like him in It. And nice, he voiced the Deviant Kro in the MCU… I wonder when that is coming back.)
FKA twigs – ( Known For: Honey Boy; BMT: The Crow; Notes: Really no offense, but she was perplexing in this movie. I’ve heard good things about Honey Boy though, maybe I should watch that to get a better sense of her range.)
Danny Huston – ( Known For: Wonder Woman; Children of Men; The Aviator; Robin Hood; Game Night; 21 Grams; 30 Days of Night; The Constant Gardener; Leaving Las Vegas; The Kingdom; Marie Antoinette; Big Eyes; Edge of Darkness; Hitchcock; The Proposition; Stolen; Birth; Stan & Ollie; The Professor; IO; Future BMT: How to Lose Friends & Alienate People; The Warrior’s Way; Marlowe; BMT: X-Men Origins: Wolverine; Clash of the Titans; The Number 23; Wrath of the Titans; Angel Has Fallen; The Crow; Notes: He plays the bad guy. I feel like I know his as big bads in things like Angel Has Fallen. He’s apparently in the new Naked Gun starring Liam Neeson. That could be wild.)
Budget/Gross – $50 million / Domestic: $9,275,659 (Worldwide: $23,999,106)
(I mean, horrific. The idea of making The Crow at all is one thing, but making it like this? Then you deserve to lose money. This movie is actually genuinely kind of offensive towards the source material.)
Rotten Tomatoes – 22% (29/134): Dreary and poorly paced, this reimagining of The Crow doesn’t have enough personality or pulse to merit the resurrection.
(It doesn’t. But also it changes everything about it to something worse. You might think I’m joking but it literally takes every single thing about the original movie and makes it worse.)
Reviewer Highlight: It’s like an anti-entertainment protest. – Robert Abele, Los Angeles Times
(Boy that’s bad. I like the font, but only because it’s drawn. But this just doesn’t look professional to me. Like fan art or something. C-.)
Tagline(s) – True love never dies. (C+)
(This is almost comically generic, but it’s also appropriate, so I’m a bit torn. I’ll boost it up a bit. But really the general concept of a film isn’t also its tagline usually.)
Keyword(s) – 2024-2024
Top 10: Dune: Part Two (2024), Deadpool & Wolverine (2024), Furiosa: A Mad Max Saga (2024), Civil War (2024), Inside Out 2 (2024), The Fall Guy (2024), Alien: Romulus (2024), Road House (2024), The Substance (2024), The Beekeeper (2024)
Future BMT: 62.3 The Exorcism (2024), 61.6 Imaginary (2024), 61.6 Joker: Folie à Deux (2024), 36.0 Singham Again (2024), 27.4 Slingshot (2024), 27.2 Harold and the Purple Crayon (2024), 25.9 Fighter (2024), 24.8 Devara Part 1 (2024), 19.0 Reagan (2024), 16.7 Here (2024), 11.6 Red One (2024)
BMT: Madame Web (2024), Borderlands (2024), The American Society of Magical Negroes (2024), The Crow (2024), Night Swim (2024), The Strangers: Chapter 1 (2024), Tarot (2024), Argylle (2024), The Watchers (2024), The Garfield Movie (2024), Back to Black (2024)
Best Options (Action):67.6 The Crow (2024), 36.0 Singham Again (2024), 25.9 Fighter (2024), 24.8 Devara Part 1 (2024), 11.6 Red One (2024)
(This was by far the best one. And Again, when we watched this Red One wasn’t out yet, otherwise … well, we would have probably watched both because we would have moved this one somewhere else. There was no way we were missing out on The Crow.)
Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 19) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Danny Huston is No. 3 billed in The Crow and No. 4 billed in The Number 23, which also stars Virginia Madsen (No. 2 billed) who is in Firewall (No. 3 billed) which also stars Harrison Ford (No. 1 billed) who is in Hollywood Homicide (No. 1 billed) which also stars Josh Hartnett (No. 2 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 3 billed) => (3 + 4) + (2 + 3) + (1 + 1) + (2 + 3) = 19. If we were to watch Marlowe we can get the HoE Number down to 17.
Notes – When asked if he had seen the trailer for this film, Ernie Hudson replied, “I haven’t seen it. The actor – who I can’t name – is playing the lead, I love and respect. But for me, ‘The Crow’ is Brandon Lee. I can’t imagine… let’s hope they don’t try to redo him, that they do their own thing with it and take it in a different direction. I haven’t seen [the trailer]. I haven’t seen any of the other ‘Crow’ [movies] because of what happened to Brandon.” In an earlier interview in 2021, Hudson explained he hadn’t even seen the 1994 original, saying, “It breaks my heart, and I can’t get past it. So much of it was action stuff, but Brandon and I got a chance to work together.”
Luke Evans, while still working on the production of The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies (2014), held a live Facebook Q&A. During some of the questions that he personally responded to, when asked about joining the “The Crow” reboot as the leading character, Evans stated that he felt inclined to drop out from the project as he felt “unworthy” of portraying the late Brandon Lee’s most iconic role.
F. Javier Gutiérrez was at one point courted to direct the film, but not as a remake. Crow creator J. O’Barr admitted in an interview that he was impressed when he saw that Gutierrez’s take would be a black-and-white shot-for-shot remake of the original graphic novel using both panels and dialogue directly from the source material for story-boarding to be as faithful as humanly possible to the comic. Due to production troubles and delays in shooting, Gutierrez dropped out to direct Rings (2017).
At one point the Crow film was intended to be called “The Crow Reborn” based on a screenplay by Cliff Dorfman being an original story about an undead police officer returning to avenge his family. The script attracted the attention of Jason Momoa, who was then cast in the lead role, but the production fell through when Momoa left because he didn’t like the constant rewrites which wore away any semblance of the Dorfman script, turning it into more of a remake of the 1994 film and less the original story he signed on for. Dorman himself disowned the resulting film after seeing a screening, posting his response to possible fan skepticism of the film’s quality writing simply, “It is. And don’t.”
During a Reddit AMA, Shannon Lee, sister of Brandon Lee was asked if there should be a remake of The Crow (1994) to which she responded, “I don’t think they should remake ‘The Crow.’ Booooo!”
There is a selfish desire on my part to have this or any other Chris Pratt film include a submarine. A submarine opens the film Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom (although I feel like at times I was promised more… like a dino on a sub). The Tomorrow War suggests the possibility and then I could have sworn that The Electric State, the tragic Russo Brother’s Netflix film, had one, although the evidence appears to be scrubbed from the internet. I was slowly nurturing a beautiful Chris Pratt Submarine Trilogy and there is a real possibility that both The Tomorrow War and The Electric State don’t have one! In any case, given Chris Pratt’s career it would be nice if one of the submarine films came from his animated efforts. So The Garfield Movie? Are you going to have one? Don’t worry if you don’t. It probably won’t change my opinion of you. Besides, I’m guessing one of the Mario sequels will have one. Everyone loves submarines.
To recap, Garfield is a little kitten on the streetz. His daddio, a gruff street cat, tells him to stay put while he finds food, but the little kitten gets scared and wanders off to an Italian restaurant. There he befriends Jon Arbuckle. Flash forward to Garfield and Odie having a great life with Jon. That is until they are abducted as part of an elaborate plot to entrap Garfield’s dad, Vic, and force him to steal a large quantity of milk for the eeeevil Jinx. They agree and head to Lactose Farms. When they get there they agree to help free the girlfriend of Otto the bull, the former mascot of the farm, in exchange for help in getting into the farm. While they train for the big heist Garfield comes to learn that Vic actually did care for him. In fact it’s why Jinx knew that stealing Garfield would help trap Vic. When they enter the farm, Jinx double crosses them and calls in the fuzz. Turns out it was a double trap. Garfield and Odie help get the milk out and are shocked when Vic leaves them behind to deliver the milk to Jinx in hopes that it will mean she will leave Garfield alone. Nope! Jinx captures Vic and plans on killing him. Meanwhile, Garfield and Odie are picked up at the pound by Jon. At home Garfield finds evidence that Vic really did care for him and heads out to save him. In a big climactic scene Garfield saves the day, Jinx’s plan is foiled, and Vic is integrated into their family with Jon. THE END.
If you will allow me a comparison to another Chris Pratt animated film, I am someone who enjoyed The Super Mario Bros. Movie. I thought it was fun to look at and set up the quest in a way that was consistent with a lot of what I loved about the characters. It also had moments that I thought were genuinely funny. As I said, I enjoyed it. This is kind of the opposite. It’s pleasant enough and I do think it is nice to look at, but what in the world does this have to do with Garfield? This actually has a lot more in common with Heathcliff than anything that happens to Garfield. Just a baffling decision on the entire plot of this movie and introduction of Garfield’s dad, Vic… literally decades and decades of Garfield strips to pull from and you choose to make up a bunch of nondescript new ones? It smacks a bit of this being a not-Garfield script that got turned into a Garfield script. May as well also mention that this animated film is rife with product placements… which is kind of odd for an animated film not named Foodfight!
Hot Take Clam Bake! We are gearing up for the big reveal that Vic’s son was not Garfield after all. He was adopted by Jon but eventually returns from whence he came: the junkyard. In the sequel the real Garfield will return, take his rightful place (with his rightful voice: Bill Murray) while the old Chris Pratt Garfield will take back his original name: Heathcliff. He’s then look at the camera and say “you mothers really thought that was a Garfield movie. You are a bunch of dummies. Grow up.” Hot Take Temperature: piping hot lasagna.
Patrick?
Patrick
‘Ello everyone! *Gif of me watching some television, hating Mondays, and eating some lasagna (which I call ‘sagna for short)* Let’s go!
The Good? … Well … I mean, if I was a child I guess it would be acceptable? I really don’t get this film. Let’s just skip to the next section.
The Bad? What is this movie? Like why is this film? I do not understand how you end up with a Garfield film about Garfield being reunited with his father which is basically invented whole cloth for this movie. Why? Why is this the thing that people would ever want to see? Here’s the thing. I just want to see Garfield stories. Make it about Jon going on a date with the vet and Garfield trying to sabotage it initially until he realizes he loves Jon and so then the mission changes: to make this date a success! Make it about Garfield dealing with Nermal. Or Odie. Or whatever. The plot of this film is absurd. Wait … wait a second. I know perfectly how to describe this film: a slap in the face to fans. It really is like a puppet dancing like a Garfield film, but is actually not at all a Garfield film. It’s straight weird.
The BMT? I mean … could it be? No, I refuse. I refuse to accept that this film I will never ever ever ever watch again could be BMT. I refuse. This film is bad. Man … starting with three Bads in a row. Not a great year 2024.
Yeah, I spent an inordinate amount of time working through some of the issues with video as batch image processing idea. Some highlights: (1) The frames leak (obviously) so having something like Jaws 3-D next to Revenge of the Nerds 2 and asking if they have a shark in them, it is much less likely to correctly mark out Revenge of the Nerds 2. I would presume this is because it is now primed (in context) to look for a big ol’ shark face instead of a fin. (2) The timestamp determination is incredibly fuzzy, almost to the point of being useless. (3) You can figure out the frame is taken from between 0.25-0.5 in each second which I suppose is amusing. I’ll leave you with one graphic:
As I said, it is a little crazy just how unlikely it is to identify Revenge of the Nerds 2 (in position 1 in Experiment #1 for example) when it is close to Jaws 3D (always position 0). The kicker? Batch image processing actually exists, so this was all kind of just a thought experiment in the end anyways.
Obviously a Planchet (Who?) with Odie, look in your heart, you know it to be true. Some Product Placement (What?) with things like Catflix, a play off of Netflix. And I’m just going to leave it with saying the film is Bad.
What was the heaviest cat in history? Himmy? Hell naw, you know it is Garfield. He fucking loooooves Lasagna. Let’s go!
Pop Quiz Hot Shot!
1) Lasagna is possibly the oldest type of pasta. And to make the dish (also called lasagna) you will it with cheese, seasonings, ground meat, tomato sauce and what mother sauce of French cuisine?
2) I mean, Garfield’s least favorite song is probably Monday, Monday. That song was the only number one hit for what quartet?
3) Remember Garfield and Friends? That’s not the question. The question is: that show had two separate 12 minute programs, one being Garfield. The “friends” refers to what other syndicated Jim Davis comic strip?
4) Famously Garifled has been voiced by Lorenzo Music in the original cartoon, and then Bill Murray in the movies (and now Chris Pratt … no comment). Lorenzo Music also played what other animated cartoon character with a connection to Bill Murray?
5) Apparently there is a video game in development, but over the years there have been numerous Garfield computer and video games. One, called Garfield Labyrinth, was only called such in Europe. In North America it was reskinned as The Real Ghostbusters, and in Japan it was the fourth entry of the Crazy Castle series starring what classic character?
Bonus NYTimes Listing Question: Going head to head with Garfield Gets a Life, the last animated special, is this famous film:
Jamie was clearly depressed. While it had seemed that he had gone through all the stages of grief in a matter of moments and lived his life to the fullest with Samantha, it now was clear that that was all a mask. That he was stuck at stage four and couldn’t shake it. Patrick tried everything. He baked him his favorite cake (an inverse cake where the cake was actually the icing and the icing was the cake), but he barely took a nibble. He showed him his favorite film (not a film, really, but just the motorcycle sex scene from Woman of Desire), but he didn’t even crack a smile. He read him his favorite poem (the poem that Rocky reads Adrian in Rocky II), but his eyes remained dry. Even during their daily gymnastics/dance workout Patrick barely gave it his all and called it a day after just two and half hours. “I don’t know what to do,” Patrick says sadly over the phone to Kyle. Kyle couldn’t move to Hallston with his burgeoning family back home but was able to offer at least one piece of advice. “You know, maybe if the usual things aren’t working you have to look outside your own experiences.” After hanging up, Patrick walks to Hallston’s local public library and looks in the “Sad” section. There he finds a book “Are You Sad?” After flipping through it for a moment his eyes alight on a page that makes his eyes gleam. “Library, you’ve done it again, you glorious bastard.” A week later he surprises Jamie at home during one of his lengthy wall-staring sessions and opens a small crate. “Say hello to my little friend,” Patrick says, coining a wholly original phrase. From the box comes a tiny meow. That’s right! It’s the 2024 cycle and we’re doing the hottest cat movie around. Unfortunately 2024 still hasn’t delivered the Heathcliff movie the Gucci crowd is clamoring for, so we’ll settle for The Garfield Movie… ah… well. Alas. Let’s go!
The Garfield Movie (2024) – BMeTric: 37.4; Notability: 54
StreetCreditReport.com –BMeTric: top 13.6%; Notability: top 1.2%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 19.7%; Higher BMeT: Madame Web, Borderlands, The American Society of Magical Negroes, Uglies, The Crow, Night Swim, The Strangers: Chapter 1, Tarot, Trigger Warning, The Exorcism, Imaginary, Joker: Folie à Deux, Mother of the Bride, Hellboy: The Crooked Man, Megamind vs. The Doom Syndicate, Rebel Moon – Part Two: The Scargiver, Mea Culpa, The Deliverance, Breathe, Time Cut, and 14 more; Higher Notability: Joker: Folie à Deux, Reagan, Borderlands; Lower RT: Tyler Perry’s Divorce in the Black, Megamind vs. The Doom Syndicate, Borderlands, Madame Web, Mother of the Bride, Kraven the Hunter, Breathe, Uglies, Rebel Moon – Part Two: The Scargiver, Justice League: Crisis on Infinite Earths – Part Two, Tarot, Reagan, Killer Heat, Canary Black, Mea Culpa, Atlas, Night Swim, Dear Santa, Trigger Warning, The Strangers: Chapter 1, and 25 more; Notes: The Notability is insane on this. Only Joker 2, Borderlands, and … Reagan? Wait, Reagan had over 50 people involved in it with a wikipedia page? That makes no sense.
RogerEbert.com – 1.5 stars – I cannot think of a single reason for another Garfield movie, and apparently, the people who made this couldn’t, either. It reminds me of the legendary comment about “Nancy,” which, like “Garfield,” was originally a comic strip known for the spareness of its design and the helium-weight lightness of its humor. When asked to explain “Nancy,” someone once said, “It takes less energy to read it than to skip it.” Those who have children pestering them to see “Garfield” will feel the same way about this film. It’s not awful. It may be too much to say that kids will enjoy it, but it is probably fair to say they will feel that they have been entertained. But those accompanying the children may feel dispirited by the emptiness that emanates from a film that is just an IP cash grab. And parents may have some concerns, discussed below.
(That quote about Nancy is hilarious. And yeah, that is basically how this film feels. It was easier just to watch it than to try and think about something else to watch.)
(Is this trailer real …. Am I going crazy. It is just repeating over and over with a song behind it. Are they going to grow up and the movie explained a little at all? Am I going crazy? It is on the Sony Pictures Entertainment channel … It tags Snoop Dogg, so he would have done something about it if it was fake. It says Final Trailer. I DON’T UNDERSTAND HOW IS THIS A TRAILER WHY IS THIS MAKING ME WANT TO WATCH THIS FILM. This is infuriating.)
Directors – Mark Dindal – ( Known For: The Emperor’s New Groove; Cats Don’t Dance; Future BMT: Chicken Little; BMT: The Garfield Movie; Notes: It is kind of weird … because I felt like Chicken Little was relatively well received, but actually it qualifies. He was like the main guy behind The Emperor’s New Groove, which was excellent, but also apparently was a mess behind the scenes.)
Writers – Mark Torgove and Paul A. Kaplan – ( BMT: The Garfield Movie; Notes: He wrote for television, and even then mostly an episode at a time. Seems like an interesting career path.)
David Reynolds – ( Known For: Finding Nemo; Mulan; The Emperor’s New Groove; Atlantis: The Lost Empire; Fantasia 2000; Future BMT: Chicken Little; BMT: The Garfield Movie; Notes: Nominated for an Oscar for Finding Nemo. Weird he didn’t get a credit for Finding Dory. He has some sort of TV Movie series called Captain Jokes Parrot … Oh I get it, Captain Jack Sparrow.)
Jim Davis – ( BMT: Garfield: The Movie; Garfield: A Tail of Two Kitties; The Garfield Movie; Notes: He made the comic strip. Watch the I Think You Should Leave sketch about the woman who bought his house.)
Gene Stupnitsky and Lee Eisenberg – ( Known For: Bad Teacher; Good Boys; BMT: Year One; Notes: Genuinely curious if they are actually going to make a Bad Teacher 2 ever. Seems unlikely. Isn’t Cameron Diaz semi-retired?)
Actors – Chris Pratt – ( Known For: Avengers: Endgame; Guardians of the Galaxy; Avengers: Infinity War; Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2; Jurassic World; Her; Moneyball; Thor: Love and Thunder; Wanted; Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 3; The Lego Movie; Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom; Zero Dark Thirty; The Super Mario Bros. Movie; The Tomorrow War; The Magnificent Seven; Onward; Jennifer’s Body; The Five-Year Engagement; Delivery Man; Future BMT: Passengers; What’s Your Number?; Take Me Home Tonight; Jem and the Holograms; BMT: Jurassic World Dominion; Bride Wars; Movie 43; The Garfield Movie; Notes: His career path is incredible. By which I mean it has now crossed over and become a bit embarrassing. I mean, I would take the money, but like The Electric State I think maybe marks him crossing the Rubicon into Bruce Willis cash grab territory.)
Samuel L. Jackson – ( Known For: Pulp Fiction; Django Unchained; Inglourious Basterds; The Avengers; Avengers: Endgame; Goodfellas; Avengers: Infinity War; Iron Man; Jurassic Park; Avengers: Age of Ultron; Thor; Captain America: The Winter Soldier; Captain America: The First Avenger; Iron Man 2; Star Wars: Episode I – The Phantom Menace; Star Wars: Episode III – Revenge of the Sith; The Incredibles; Kill Bill: Vol. 2; Star Wars: Episode II – Attack of the Clones; Kingsman: The Secret Service; Future BMT: The Legend of Tarzan; Sphere; Star Wars: The Clone Wars; Spiral; Basic; The Spirit; Loaded Weapon 1; Formula 51; The Man; One Eight Seven; Life Itself; Freedomland; Amos & Andrew; Fluke; Strictly Business; BMT: Jumper; Glass; Hitman’s Wife’s Bodyguard; Argylle; xXx: State of the Union; Shaft; Twisted; The Garfield Movie; Notes: It is kind of crazy to realize he was nominated for an Oscar for Pulp Fiction. I guess I never quite realized how mainstream it was. Three acting nominations is crazy.)
Hannah Waddingham – ( Known For: Les Misérables; The Fall Guy; Hocus Pocus 2; Winter Ridge; Future BMT: How to Lose Friends & Alienate People; BMT: The Hustle; The Garfield Movie; Notes: Won a Primetime Emmy for Ted Lasso (3 nominations) and nominated again for Krapopolis as a voice actor. Hocus Pocus 2 was awful, I really don’t get how they botch those legacy-quels so consistently.)
Budget/Gross – $60 million / Domestic: $91,956,547 (Worldwide: $257,211,519)
(That isn’t bad at all. Not at all. And that is why making a dumb Garfield movie can never be a bad deal. Even when the plot is about reuniting Garfield with the father no one knew about because he wasn’t in the comic strip at all.)
Rotten Tomatoes – 37% (50/136): The Garfield Movie rolls along at a zany enough clip to be diverting for kids, but this animated adventure doesn’t much resemble Jim Davis’ iconically grumpy creation.
(It does not, and that is the main crime. It is one thing to be trite and dumb. It is another to be trite and dumb and also not to resemble the thing you are trying desperately to mimic.)
Reviewer Highlight: Hyperkinetic stuff, lots of famous voice stars, almost no relationship to the original source… it just left me thinking of Bill Murray. – Mark Kermode
(It’s very orange. I like that. I like the font. It’s clever in some ways. It’s not perfect, obviously, but I like what they did here. B+.)
Tagline(s) – He gets bigger. (C+)
(My brain isn’t totally comprehending what we have here but… I think I like it… I think. Like he’s a fat cat, right? And this is a movie, which is bigger than a comic strip, right? OK. Are we sure this shouldn’t have been “He gets even bigger”? I’m going to be kind to this one.)
Keyword(s) – 2024-2024
Top 10: Dune: Part Two (2024), Deadpool & Wolverine (2024), Furiosa: A Mad Max Saga (2024), Civil War (2024), Inside Out 2 (2024), The Fall Guy (2024), Alien: Romulus (2024), Road House (2024), The Substance (2024), The Beekeeper (2024)
Future BMT: 62.3 The Exorcism (2024), 61.6 Imaginary (2024), 61.6 Joker: Folie à Deux (2024), 36.0 Singham Again (2024), 27.4 Slingshot (2024), 27.2 Harold and the Purple Crayon (2024), 25.9 Fighter (2024), 24.8 Devara Part 1 (2024), 19.0 Reagan (2024), 16.7 Here (2024), 11.6 Red One (2024)
BMT: Madame Web (2024), Borderlands (2024), The American Society of Magical Negroes (2024), The Crow (2024), Night Swim (2024), The Strangers: Chapter 1 (2024), Tarot (2024), Argylle (2024), The Watchers (2024), The Garfield Movie (2024), Back to Black (2024)
Best Options (Comedy):37.4 The Garfield Movie (2024), 27.2 Harold and the Purple Crayon (2024), 11.6 Red One (2024)
(Rest Assured, Red One wasn’t out yet when we watched this movie. So Harold and the Purple Crayon was the other one and there was no way I was watching that. That somehow looked even more trite than this did.)
Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 14) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Samuel L. Jackson is No. 2 billed in The Garfield Movie and No. 3 billed in Jumper, which also stars Michael Rooker (No. 5 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 4 billed) => (2 + 3) + (5 + 4) = 14. If we were to watch The Spirit, and The Black Dahlia we can get the HoE Number down to 13.
Notes – Garfield shown as a kitten crosses the street there is a place he passes by called Lorenzo’s Music Store which is a nod to Garfield’s original voice actor Lorenzo Music.
Frank Welker, who’s voiced Garfield since 2007, expressed his disappointment at not being asked to voice the character for this film.
The code that Garfield uses to unlock his phone is ‘061978’, the date of the first “Garfield” comic strip.
The number on the waste container where Garfield is left behind is the date of the very first Garfield comic strip, 06-19-78.
The scene of Jon bathing Garfield is reminiscent of the September 5, 1978 strip, where Jon is also seen wearing a helmet and gloves while giving him a bath. Likewise, the follow-up comic has Jon dry up Garfield, which results in Garfield being all fluffed up, much like in the movie.
It feels like we have gotten back to a place where films like the haunted swimming pool movie aren’t getting unacceptably high RT scores. In 2024 we had a plethora of horror films to choose from. Night Swim was a major horror release too and still critics didn’t lean on the “well this isn’t for me, but if it’s for you then maybe you’ll like it,” kind of review. Perhaps because now there are more critics that would say horror is actually for them. Not sure. Regardless, it feels good that I can look at the trailer for a horror film and go ‘that looks like trash,’ and then a month later it comes out and gets the trash reviews it needs for me to watch it. BMT life.
To recap, Ray and Eve are just trying to navigate the end of Ray’s baseball career due to MS, while also taking care of their children, Izzy and Elliot. While out in MN looking for a handicap accessible home to move to, they stumble upon an older house with a swimming pool. Ray, who isn’t quite ready to totally call it quits, is drawn to it. In particular the pool, which he uses to convince Eve that they should buy that house instead. As they clean up the pool, Ray scratches his hand. The pool maintenance man also reveals that it’s a special pool hooked directly to a natural spring. As a result of the scratch, Ray begins to spend more and more time in the pool and his illness seems to recede. He even begins to send out videos to scouts showing what he can do. Meanwhile things are going to shit for everyone else. The kids are attacked. The cat disappears. At a pool party they throw, Ray ends up almost drowning the child of a friend of theirs (as happens). Even begins to investigate the pool and tracks down a previous owner who is pretty willing to offer up the fact that she used the pool to save her son. All she had to do was sacrifice her daughter. No biggie. Even thinks this is a real biggie, actually, and realizes that the pool will kill one of their children in exchange for healing Ray. When she gets back home shit has really hit the fan. Ray is trying to kill everyone. So is the pool. Elliot gets sucked into the water and Eve has to dive and save him. The real Ray is able to realize what is happening and sacrifices himself in order to avoid the sacrifice they fear. Eve then has the pool filled in with concrete to avoid any chance at a sequel. THE END.
I actually really disliked this film. It’s not that I think it’s too silly or poorly made. Really it’s just that when I sit down to watch a movie called Night Swim I don’t really want to watch a drama about a dude navigating this end of his professional baseball career. If the film was called Sad Baseball Dad, then yeah, I’d be picking up what they were putting down. As it is, this is simply a really, really bad horror film that spends far too much of the film messing around and far too little time scaring you or doing fun, spooky things with the haunted pool. Sigh. Why can’t they just give us The Faculty or I Know What You Did Last Summer or even, like, House of Wax? This is just not for me. But maybe you’ll like this sad baseball dad movie. As for Revolution, I can certainly see why they took one look at this film and thought “goo!” and shelved it. It’s boring, the acting is bad, it’s chopped to shit and that’s still not the worst part. It’s unpatriotic! You think maybe an American audience might not take kindly to an “actually, the American army and British army were both pretty terrible” take on the gritty realities of war? What a blunder. I’m actually offended by it. Booooo, Revolution.
Hot Take Clam Bake! Oh, that pool’s coming back. Straight-to-VOD Night Swim 2: The Deep End is going to be made despite that pool getting filled in with concrete. They’re going to find out that they just filled in their own pool with concrete and didn’t do any more digging (literally or figuratively). Two blocks over we’ll find that there is another pool, fed from the same spring. Spooky ghost girl will be back to haunt (and help?) again. Really the best turn they could do with the franchise would be to pull a Friday the 13th and just change the bad guy to be a slasher eeeevil pool guy. Night Swim 7: Jacob the Pool Guy in Manhattan here we come. Hot Take Temperature: Hollywood hut tub.
Patrick?
Patrick
‘Ello everyone! *Gif of me with super bloodshot eyes slapping a phone out of Jamie’s hand while screaming “STOP THAT”* Let’s go!
The Good? Well, I liked the setting. I used to live in Minnesota, and that plus the random stuff about baseball was just kind of fun. The film isn’t scary, but I’m a spooky scaredy cat, so I do like relaxing horror films and this is at least somewhat relaxing. I thought the daughter in particular was very good, and the two leads (the parents) were also pretty decent.
The Bad? Not scary! The film has to be a little scary. Horror films are supposed to be a little scary. This isn’t scary. The film feels like it is entirely predicated on the idea of “haunted swimming pool” being an interesting concept. By all accounts it is a concept that can hold up in a short … a feature length film less so.
The BMT? I mean, we are starting off strong for 2024, but I still think this is a Bad film. Horror films kind of have to be laughable in the end, this is merely not scary and in the end uninteresting.
I think I mentioned this in a prior Recap, but my boss told me the other day that AI will be a new programming language except “stochastic and a black box”. I’m okay with the first part, but not so with the second … except it does tickle that one part of my brain which is like “wait, is this a puzzle?” Part one in further exploring the poster analysis is trying to formalize a few things and then determining a benchmark.
An initial benchmark is that I took the top 100 films from 1990 (according to IMDb popularity), and noted that three of them feature Mel Gibson prominently (Air America, Bird on a Wire, and Hamlet). I then compiled these 100 into a video and asked the simple query “This video is a series of movie posters. Give me timestamps for whenever Mel Gibson appears.” I asked this 10 times in a row. It was, impressively, 10/10 for all three. I then took the Hamlet poster and created three new posters, one where I blocked out Gibson’s face, one where I blocked off his name at the top of the poster, and one where I blocked off both. The results are here:
Basically: initially I was getting a little impressed it was still getting Mel Gibson pretty well, but once I got to Experiment #3 I realized what was happening. By keeping the original Hamlet in the set it was just using that context to answer the same as the original poster (kind of impressive … also kind of concerning since it means the context is influencing its response as it consumes the images, so it is a little different than batch image processing, but good for video analysis I suppose). The last three experiments are testing this and yeah … it is fairly clear it is probably just using the name to determine if Mel Gibson is in the Hamlet poster. It must be able to do facial recognition in some capacity because it can recognize Emilio Estevez in Mighty Ducks movie clips. There are no words in those clips, so it can’t be cheating. But with posters, I would guess it is going to be woeful for anyone not incredibly famous or without their name on the poster. More analysis to come.
As part of this final “friend” cycle film we watched the Al Pacino classic Revolution. Uh … what the hell is this film? First, Al Pacino appears to be doing a half accent which maybe is supposed to be a mix between colonial American and French Canadian, it is very hard to place. Second, meanwhile, Nastassja Kinski appears to have simply kept her accent. Third, this film seems to want to make a realistic look at the Revolutionary War, but instead seems to have made a very boring look at the Revolutionary War. I do appreciate that they made the British just mustache twirling villains in this. Not a single redeeming quality in the bunch. A bunch of snivelling assholes throughout. Just very funny. A little like how the British are sometimes depicted in Indian period films like RRR. C-, too boring to be good, but too interesting to be truly worthless. Very weird though.
Obviously Setting as a Character (Where?) for Minnesota, which I do love, he is definitely getting treated at the Mayo Clinic, or at least that must be the indication in some way. A new category, The Haunted Blank (Why?) for the core of a movie being a ridiculous Haunted Swimming Pool. You know what? I like the twist that there is nothing to be done, the father has to sacrifice himself to appease the pool. The film, as I said, is Bad though, not scary, not fun.
Learn all about … Swimming pools? In the Quiz. Cheerios,
We are killing ourselves with bonuses here, but fortunately we are really hitting some big time BMT films with them. Like *checks notes* Transylvania 6-5000? Weird. Did you know the title of this is based on a song Pennsylvania 6-5000 from 1940? It’s such a disastrously misguided title that I have to twist myself into pretzels to even justify it. Really the only justification is that Dow Chemical funded the film as a way to convert their Yugoslav dinar into American dollars. Otherwise that money had to stay in Yugoslavia. I can just imagine the ancient executives at Dow Chemical being like “just one note… call the movie Transylvania 6-5000. The kids love that swing music and jazz cigarettes.”
To recap, Jeff Goldblum and Ed Begley Jr. are two reporters for a tabloid. Goldblum aspires to bigger and better things, so is particularly dismayed when a grainy homemade video suggesting the existence of a Frankenstein’s monster gets them assigned to the wild goose chase. Off they go to Transylvania where Goldblum assumes they will find nothing. Jokes on him because Frankenstein is real. Not according to the townspeople, though… or the police… or anyone, really, and Begley Jr. is laughed at whenever he inquires. Goldblum is more fascinated by a lovely tourist, Elizabeth, but slowly also gets a feeling that the town itself is not what it seems. As they begin to have run-ins with several other monsters, such as a vampiress and a wolfman, they grow suspicious of a local mad scientist. Things start to really get out of control when Elizabeth’s daughter appears to be kidnapped by the Frankenstein’s monster. This culminates with them finding the laboratory of the mad scientist, who appears to have created all of the monsters they have run into. But they eventually also learn the truth, that the mad scientist is trying to help them. They reveal this to the town, who eventually welcomes the monsters with open arms. This enables Goldblum and Begley Jr. to get a crazy story out of it all and the publicity of their dreams. THE END.
This is barely a movie. Mel Brooks must have had so much sway back then to get this and Silence of the Hams made simply because someone remotely connected to him (but not Mel Brooks himself) was involved. It’s like a one note SNL sketch stretched out for ages as people scramble around. I guess one positive note about it is that I thought it got better as the film went on (and on and on) and we get some early Michael Richards doing a bunch of crazy shit, which is always a bit fun. But when I say they are scrambling, I really do mean they just kinda bop around doing bullshit for 90% of the film. Not even funny bullshit mostly. But… it’s better than Silence of the Hams (raves Bad Movie Twins).
Hot Take Clam Bake! Keeping the Mel Brooks connections going, are we sure this isn’t riffing on The Elephant Man? Hear me out. We have that hot Brooks connection. We have a doctor taking “freaks” under his care to try to help them be more accepted by society, which he ultimately succeeds in doing. They were shopping the film for five years. It’s a 1985 film. What was five years before that? The Elephant Man. Is it a sequel? Is it a prequel? Is it a reboot? I think it’s a reboot. You heard it here first: Transylvania 6-5000 is a reboot of The Elephant Man franchise (“and it’s better than the original!” – Patrick). Woah! Now, Patrick… that really is a hot take. I don’t think I’d go that far. But you do you. Hot Take Temperature: John Hurt.
Patrick?
Patrick
‘Ello everyone! *Gif of me manically running around a hotel while a young Michael Richards chases me* Let’s go!
The Good? Oooooooof. I mean, some of the jokes I guess. We’ve watched a few spoof films in the past few months. This, I didn’t really expect to be a spoof film, but in many ways it is a spoof film, spoofing the classic Universal Monster Films. And there are little kernels here and there that I can appreciate. The trick on getting into and out of the insane asylum. The monsters all being people looking for medical treatment. Some of Michael Richards gags. As over the top as it often is there are on occasion small funny bits.
The Bad? The film is very unfunny, it very weird, feels interminable, looks like shit, and is basically just two actors playing right into their schtick. I like both of their schticks, but it is just not enough to sustain the whole thing. It is unbelievable this is a wide release film. It looks soooooo bad. It is such a weird film. It is really just a much smaller step up from Silence of the Hams than you would expect.
The BMT? I don’t think so. The film just is too bad and not funny. Same with Silence of the Hams. I would be embarrassed to show this film to someone and that pretty much precludes it from being a true BMT film.
I had to try out this image batch operation on some posters. So I scraped the top 200 posters for 1985 off of IMDb and asked the very scientific query: “Give me all the posters which feature Jeff Goldblum”. The results were: Silverado, Into the Night, Transylvania 6-5000. Those three are correct. In that those are the three major films Jeff Goldblum was in in 1985. The only quibble is that it can’t really differentiate between the name being on the poster and the person appearing on the poster. I don’t think he’s on the Silverado poster, but his name is there. Still, fun.
A real Setting as a Character (Where?) for Transylvania, which, this could be the best Romania film we’ve ever seen. There is a MacGuffin (Why?) in that they are chasing a story about the real deal Frankenstein (and they get more than they bargain for). And again, I liked the twist (that all the monsters are just regular people getting medical treatment), so there. The film is Bad, straight up, not funny and scattershot.
Learn all about monsters I guess in the Quiz. Cheerios,
Who was the last person to bat .400 in a season? Ted Williams?! Hell naw, it was Ray Waller. Let’s go!
Pop Quiz Hot Shot!
1) In the movie the main character has been diagnosed with multiple sclerosis, which ends his baseball career. MS is an autoimmune disease where the immune system attacks the insulating covers of nerve cells called what?
2) Wyatt Russell, son of Kurt Russell and Goldie Hawn, plays a professional baseball player in the film. He actually was a professional athlete for the Richmond Sockeyes, Langley Hornets, and Brampton Capitals among other amateur and professional teams. What sport do these teams represent?
3) Kerry Condon plays the AI voice F.R.I.D.A.Y. in the MCU. The name doesn’t seem to mean anything, or at least no reputable source claims to have an official reason behind it. In actuality it appears to merely be a reference to what Daniel Dafoe book?
4) The Judas Priest song You’ve Got Another Thing Comin’ is on the soundtrack, and it is the only US charting song for the heavy metal band. It isn’t the highest UK sharting song though, that honor belongs to both Living After Midnight and what three word song (a song title often chanted by Beavis & Butthead)?
5) Produced by Blumhouse, there has been over 100 productions by the company in the 25 years of its existence. The company though really got started with the release of what film which ended up being a hugely lucrative franchise for the company?
Bonus NYTimes Listing Question: Spare yourself from this similarly named horror film:
What was the name of the doctor who created the monster in the novel by Mary Shelley? Dr. Frankenstein? Hell naw, that’s Dr. Malavaqua. Let’s go!
Pop Quiz Hot Shot
1) Pennsylvania 6-5000 was made famous by Glenn Miller, but it only hit number 5 on the Your Hit Parade charts. He did have many number one hits over his career including a rendition of what 1939 song which won the Best Original Song Oscar in 1940?
2) Speaking of, the local Transylvanian band butchers the song New York, New York, which naturally was written for the movie New York, New York. Not nominated for any Oscars (including Original Song, absurd), who directed that film?
3) The classic Universal Monsters (many of which are spoofed in this film) were considered to be what five monsters?
4) The film was financed by the Dow Chemical Company as a scheme to repatriate money accumulated in Yugoslav dinar that couldn’t otherwise be freed under Yugoslav law. Yugoslavia would split into Croatia, Slovenia, Macedonia, Bosnia and Herzegovina, and the Republic of Yugoslavia. What three countries did the Republic of Yugoslavia eventually split into?
5) Leonard Maltin is apparently somewhat famous for his one word review for the film which involved him in a video swaying along to Pennsylvania 6-5000 and when that part of the song comes up he says the name of the movie and what one word?
Bonus NYTimes Listing Question: On March 28th, 1997, Transylvania 6-5000 played on Comedy Central. A little earlier on TMC:
With that, Samantha turns and picks up a rock from the Bin of Rocks and turns to perform the ceremonial destruction of her previous entry on the Wall of Lovers. While Brad and Alejandro’s ghosts are a bit annoyed by this, they also understand that it was never them. It was always Jamie. There is no other way but to take a Rock to their false love. Four or five Rocks later and covered in sawdust, Samantha turns to Jamie. Together they use a Lover’s Chisel to begin carving the heart that will represent their forever love. It takes hours, interrupted only by intense makeout sessions the likes of which the roller skaters at the roller rink could only dream of. When they finish, Jamie turns to Samantha and asks what’s next. With tears in her eyes she whispers, “Life.”
Months later, Jamie stands on the shores of Hallston Lake. He had moved to Samantha’s hometown and they had indeed lived. But now he was alone. Well, almost. Because Patrick had also moved to Hallston to be there for Jamie in his time of need. “Hey buddy,” Patrick says kindly. “You thinking you want to head back to Brooklyn? Maybe start in on the third book of the Platonic Solids series? How’s that sound?” But that didn’t sound good at all to Jamie. “No… no I don’t think so,” Jamie says monotonously. “I just… need to… go for a swim,” he says looking at the moonlight bouncing off of Hallston Lake. With that he strips entirely nude and wades into the depths of the ice cold lake. Patrick is worried. It was very unlike Jamie to go midnight skinny dipping without eating a large surf and turf dinner immediately beforehand. That’s right! We are taking our own chilly dip into spooky waters with Night Swim. It’s about a haunted swimming pool. Given the impossibility of actually connecting to the 2024 cycle from the 80’s by definition, we built a bicycle with an (ironically) equally spooky horror film, Transylvania 6-5000. A movie that even me, a child of Comedy Central, barely knew existed. Finally we are pairing those with our final Friend of the Bring a Friend cycle: Revolution. It’s the Al Pacino film that doomed the Revolutionary War genre of film for decades. Let’s go!
Night Swim (2024) – BMeTric: 67.5; Notability: 16
StreetCreditReport.com –BMeTric: top 2.0%; Notability: top 13.2%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 7.0%; Higher BMeT: Madame Web, Borderlands, The American Society of Magical Negroes, Uglies, The Crow; Higher Notability: Joker: Folie à Deux, Reagan, Borderlands, The Garfield Movie, Madame Web, Back to Black, Here, Argylle, Kraven the Hunter, Lift, Rebel Moon – Part Two: The Scargiver, Red One, Jackpot!, Atlas, The Union, The Crow, Justice League: Crisis on Infinite Earths – Part Two, My Spy The Eternal City, Harold and the Purple Crayon, A Family Affair, and 13 more; Lower RT: Megamind vs. The Doom Syndicate, Borderlands, Madame Web, Air Force One Down, Mother of the Bride, Kraven the Hunter, Breathe, Uglies, Rebel Moon – Part Two: The Scargiver, Justice League: Crisis on Infinite Earths – Part Two, Tarot, Reagan, Killer Heat, Canary Black, Mea Culpa, Atlas; Notes: The only thing to do with 2024 films is to highlight ones we aren’t watching I suppose. Uglies is a hilarious one. It might as well be the Platonic Solids series, but somehow unironic. With an objectively attractive woman (Joey King) being the titular “ugly”. It’s nuts. I’ll probably read the book long before I watch this movie.
RogerEbert.com – 2.5 stars – Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water, it’s “Night Swim,” your annual January horror movie from the folks at Blumhouse. … The reveal of the entity that’s causing all this terror is laugh-out-loud hilarious, though, and I’m going to choose to assume that was McGuire’s intention. “Night Swim” also features amusing turns in small, supporting roles from Nancy Lenehan as the Minnesota-nice real estate agent who sells the family the house and Ben Sinclair as an oddball pool technician. And Russell clearly knows what movie he’s in as evidenced by some of his line deliveries, which are innocent and earnest in the face of increasingly absurd circumstances. It’s as if he’s beckoning us: Come on in, the water’s fine.
(Do I believe that any of this is ironic? … No, I don’t. Are there jokes in horror films? Yeah, there always has been. The idea that any level of absurdity means all levels of irony are possible I think is an issue in modern filmmaking. This movie isn’t a good horror film. It fails at that at any level. Intentionally failing is not the same as succeeding.)
(The Billie Eilish sting is absurd. The movie looks like it could be scary, but something about it (the heavy reliance on young actors maybe) points to this as a disaster in the making.)
Directors – Bryce McGuire – ( BMT: Night Swim; Notes: It is a littler interesting. He has nothing on the docket. That is pretty abnormal for a young director I feel like.)
Writers – Bryce McGuire – ( Known For: Baghead; BMT: Night Swim; Notes: He wrote and directed the short film this is based on as well. Again, the idea that he is ironically making this a bad movie is absurd.)
Rod Blackhurst – ( Known For: Blood for Dust; BMT: Night Swim; Notes: This guy also wrote and directed the short, but didn’t direct the feature length. He has two on the docket though, both horror films.)
Actors – Wyatt Russell – ( Known For: 22 Jump Street; Cowboys & Aliens; This Is 40; Overlord; The Woman in the Window; Escape from L.A.; Everybody Wants Some!!; Ingrid Goes West; Cold in July; We Are What We Are; Shimmer Lake; Goon: Last of the Enforcers; Love and Honor; High School; At the Devil’s Door; Blaze; Folk Hero & Funny Guy; BMT: Soldier; Table 19; Night Swim; Notes: The son of Kurt Russell and Goldie Hawn. He’s now in the MCU as <checks notes> John Walker? Whatever. He’s also in some sort of Steven Spielberg film that is coming out.)
Kerry Condon – ( Known For: Avengers: Endgame; Avengers: Infinity War; Avengers: Age of Ultron; Captain America: Civil War; Spider-Man: Homecoming; Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri; The Banshees of Inisherin; Unleashed; This Must Be the Place; Ned Kelly; Dom Hemingway; Bad Samaritan; Angela’s Ashes; In the Land of Saints and Sinners; The Last Station; Intermission; Dreamland; Gold; Rat; How Harry Became a Tree; BMT: Night Swim; Notes: She was nominated for an Oscar for Banshees of Inisherin. And also she voiced the new AI in all the Avengers films.)
Amélie Hoeferle – ( Known For: The Hunger Games: The Ballad of Songbirds & Snakes; BMT: Night Swim; Notes: The daughter. This is legit just her second feature film, she did shorts prior. None of her upcoming projects immediately ring a bell. She is German apparently.)
Budget/Gross – $15 million / Domestic: $32,494,740 (Worldwide: $54,768,317)
(That isn’t bad. As usual, horror films basically can’t lose money. This almost certainly made a return, although maybe not as much as they sometimes hope on these low budget films.)
Rotten Tomatoes – 20% (34/173): Despite a promising start and a handful of solid scares, Night Swim is undone by a premise that just isn’t strong enough to support a feature-length film.
(That makes sense since it is actually just a short extended to full length. I don’t think there are any good scares though.)
Reviewer Highlight: Condon’s fierce yet heartfelt performance and the underwater sequences keep Night Swim treading water, but the high concept novelty wears out its welcome quickly for seasoned horror fans who’ve seen this scenario play out so many times before. – Meagan Navarro, Bloody Disgusting
(Nicely spooky and artsy. Wish the font tried a bit more with that watery effect. Can barely see it. Not bad, though. B+.)
Tagline(s) – Everything you fear is under the surface. (B+)
(It’s straining a little too much and is a little too long to warrant getting up into A range. I can see what they are doing. Under the surface with the double meaning. Implication about the aspect of the plot. It’s clever, but they couldn’t quite get there.)
Keyword(s) – 1983-1991
Top 10: The Silence of the Lambs (1991), Back to the Future (1985), Goodfellas (1990), Terminator 2: Judgment Day (1991), Star Wars: Episode VI – Return of the Jedi (1983), Die Hard (1988), The Terminator (1984), Scarface (1983), Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade (1989), Full Metal Jacket (1987)
Future BMT: 72.7 Look Who’s Talking Too (1990), 72.5 Teen Wolf Too (1987), 67.9 Smokey and the Bandit Part 3 (1983), 61.1 Staying Alive (1983), 59.1 Suburban Commando (1991), 57.7 The NeverEnding Story II: The Next Chapter (1990), 57.6 Ghost Dad (1990), 56.7 The Karate Kid Part III (1989), 55.1 Who’s That Girl (1987), 54.8 Curse of the Pink Panther (1983), 53.5 Graffiti Bridge (1990), 52.5 Johnny Be Good (1988), 52.5 Porky’s II: The Next Day (1983), 52.4 Porky’s Revenge (1985), 52.2 Revenge of the Nerds II: Nerds in Paradise (1987), 51.8 Police Academy 3: Back in Training (1986), 49.3 King Solomon’s Mines (1985), 48.7 Hercules (1983), 48.6 Delta Force 2: The Colombian Connection (1990), 48.6 My Stepmother Is an Alien (1988)
BMT: Jaws: The Revenge (1987), Superman IV: The Quest for Peace (1987), Troll 2 (1990), Jaws 3-D (1983), Highlander II: The Quickening (1991), Going Overboard (1989), Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan (1989), Police Academy 6: City Under Siege (1989), Mac and Me (1988), Caddyshack II (1988), Police Academy 5: Assignment: Miami Beach (1988), Freddy’s Dead: The Final Nightmare (1991), Howard the Duck (1986), Supergirl (1984), Cool as Ice (1991), Friday the 13th: A New Beginning (1985), The Garbage Pail Kids Movie (1987), Leonard Part 6 (1987), Halloween 5: The Revenge of Michael Myers (1989), Superman III (1983), Poltergeist III (1988), A Nightmare on Elm Street: The Dream Child (1989), Police Academy 4: Citizens on Patrol (1987), Wild Orchid (1989), Cyborg (1989), Problem Child 2 (1991), Rhinestone (1984), Red Sonja (1985), Troll (1986), Bolero (1984), …
(This is a hold over from Transylvania 6-5000. We didn’t have a true way to transition from the mid 80s to now, so we have to do a biCycle of sorts.)
Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 23) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Wyatt Russell is No. 1 billed in Night Swim and No. 7 billed in Table 19, which also stars Anna Kendrick (No. 1 billed) who is in What to Expect When You’re Expecting (No. 3 billed) which also stars Jennifer Lopez (No. 1 billed) who is in Gigli (No. 2 billed) which also stars Ben Affleck (No. 1 billed) who is in Pearl Harbor (No. 1 billed) which also stars Josh Hartnett (No. 3 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 3 billed) => (1 + 7) + (1 + 3) + (1 + 2) + (1 + 1) + (3 + 3) = 23. If we were to watch Jack, and The Glass House we can get the HoE Number down to 23.
Notes – The real life house location used for the family home on screen doesn’t actually fully connect to the garage, so the pool can be seen from the front yard. A facade was added to make it look like one full structure and to block the pool from the view in the front of the house.
The school that the kids attend is named Harold Holt. Holt was an Australian Prime Minister who was an avid swimmer and disappeared, and presumably died, while swimming in the ocean.
In 2018, director Rod Blackhurst and writer Bryce McGuire sold a feature length adaptation of their short film Night Swim (2014) about a woman terrorized in her pool by an evil spirit to James Wan’s Atomic Monster. McGuire is set to direct.
Wyatt Russell’s dad, Kurt Russell, was actually a very good minor league baseball player and would have made the MLB if it were not for an injury.
Bad Movie Twins 