Now here’s the main event. Everything about The Dark Tower saga was a disaster. We aren’t just talking about a Stephen King adaptation, which historically have been a boon for BMT. We aren’t just talking about a “long gestating project” where every filmmaker under the sun declared the property to be very important to them, wanting to make a multimedia empire of it, and then bailing once the gestation got even longer. We aren’t just talking about a bold reimagining of the property to the point where the filmmakers had to be like “no no no, you don’t understand. It’s not actually an adaptation of The Dark Tower… it’s just another entry in the series.” This is all three of those things. Once aiming to encompass the series in films, TV, Quibi shows (probably), etc. they instead dropped a 95 minute original Dark Tower story right in the laps of the fans of the series. That… didn’t go well.
To recap, Jake Chambers is a boy who dreams about all kinds of crazy things. He dreams of a man in black aiming to destroy the world using the minds of kids like himself. He dreams of a gunslinger who is one of the only ones that stands in his way. He dreams of alien creatures scouring the Earth for… him. This would all be OK if it wasn’t for the fact that they make everyone think he’s crazy. It’s also a little strange that while he’s dreaming these things there appears to be a real life connection to a series of earthquakes in NYC. When his mom and stepdad look to send him to a special school to take care of things he starts to suspect that his dreams are real and those that have arrived to take him away are in the service of the man in black. He makes a run for it and goes in search of a house he saw in his dreams. Once there he is sucked into another dimension… the world that he dreamed of. There he finds Roland, the gunslinger, and he is convinced to help Jake interpret his dreams about the man in black, who Roland knows as Walter. Meanwhile, Walter follows the path of Jake and kills his mother and stepdad after determining that Jake is powerful enough to single handedly achieve his goal: destroying the Dark Tower and consuming Earth. Jake and Roland find out that they have to go back to Earth to get to the Tower and while there Jake is captured by Walter. Before he is taken to the Tower he is able to alert Roland about how to follow and then keeps the portal open so that Walter and Roland have to fight. They do and Roland wins. He and Jake destroy the machine and head off on many adventures we are sure to see in the sequels. THE END.
I’m always a little ready to defend films like this. Just because something doesn’t stay true to the source material doesn’t mean it’s necessarily bad. Maybe by not reading the Dark Tower books it would put me in a position to be like “it’s more different than bad.” Ehhhhhh. They really did take a beloved book franchise by a master of fantasy, science fiction, and horror and turned it into a YA novel. It reads like Harry Potter or The Maze Runner or, god help us, Divergent. It honestly is a lot like what the Platonic Solids series would be (with fewer sexy swamp monsters and phantoms of the opera). Imagine for a second that they made the It film and instead of it being a horror film it was more like Stand By Me with McConaughey playing Pennywise who now isn’t a clown but more like a land developer looking to turn their pops’ soda pop shop into a parking lot… people might have a problem with that. Just to end on a positive note, I did like how short it was and also there was a scene where Idris Elba shoots someone from like a mile away that was cool. He gunslang real good. Otherwise, I already barely remember this movie and fully understand the reviews.
Hot Take Clam Bake! What if… Earth was actually the dreams. Whooooaaaaa. Maybe when Jake was dreaming he was actually awake and when we see Jake on Earth it’s actually the dream. Five seconds after the end of the film it actually ends with a close up on Roland’s eye and it opens. Then Roland’s wife is like “Honey, you OK. Another dream?” and he’s like “Yah… I dreamed about that kid Jake again… I gotta draw it out.” And he rolls out of bed and makes a sick charcoal drawing of Jake and hangs it up on his wall amongst all the other pictures of Jake. Then the movie starts in on a perfect, straight adaptation of The Gunslinger and fans. Go. Crazy. Hot Take Temperature: The Scorch.
Patrick?
Patrick
‘Ello everyone! Are we talking about yet another Stephen King adaptation except this is for maybe the fourth (?) book in a long running franchise … someone check on Stephen King he might be doing too much cocaine again. Let’s go!
Whoops they accidentally made this a Young Adult novel adaptation.
Because I’ve read the first in the series before and it is a weird and wild western / sci-fi / fantasy oddity. The stuff in this movie I don’t think comes into play until Stephen King almost died in that car accident and then he started to connect all his books via the inbetween worlds from The Mist. I think the big mistake was jumping directly into the middle of the series. If anything, make a prequel movie which then ends with Roland wandering the desert in the first book.
Instead we jump right into a story about the Dark Tower protecting humanity, and the Man in Black, and some kid, etc. etc. etc.
The kid BTW appears to just have a British accent at times. No offense to him but there are zero kids in the US who could have played this part? Are we so lacking in acting talent that you couldn’t at least plug that hole before it broke open. The accent work is quite distracting.
I do somewhat appreciate the lore though, and I also appreciate that the film doesn’t feel the need to twist stuff around to give Roland a love interest or something else weird. It has that YA feel, but more in the vein of father-son bonding rather than high school drama. That is probably at least a decent option out of all the bad YA options available.
Yeah, just a weird start to what was clearly supposed to be the beginning of a franchise. I’m not sure if they were thinking of then jumping backwards, forging a new path forwards, or whether tying up all the loose ends was just a desperate ploy once they realized that this film was not going to be well received and the franchise was dead in the water.
A decent Product Placement (What?) for Coca-Cola in the middle of the film. A bizarre Setting as a Character (Where?) for New York City since I half-expected them to reveal the kid was actually from England since that is how he sounded a lot of the time. The MacGuffin (Why?) of the Dark Tower and The Man in Black and The Gunslinger is mighty close to being that perfect Cradle of Life nonsense I love to see, but doesn’t quite get there. I think the movie is Bad, mostly boring and too YA to be entertaining, just kind of sad.
Oh man, so get this. I have a beautiful mind. You knew that. But did you know my beautiful mind could destroy the universe! Welp, that’s why the baddies captured me, and bopped me on the head. Now I can’t remember a thing (my mind is not quite as beautiful!). Do you remember what happened in The Dark Tower?
1) The Dark Tower can be taken down by the mind of a child. The attempt to destroy the tower is causing issues in the real world as well. What?
2) Jake keeps seeing the numbers 19-19 in his dreams. What does it refer to?
3) What, in reality, makes Jake so special? Hint: It forges a connection with other works of Stephen King.
4) And what a twist! What are the guns that the last Gunslinger uses forged from?
5) How does Roland ultimately kill the Man in Black?
Bonus Question: Oh, shoot. It’s my new agent Edgar. I should probably take this. What does he want?
The beautiful lady introduces herself as Samantha and Patrick can tell by the look in Jamie’s eyes that he’s already a goner. Patrick looks at Jamie’s half horse costume and wonders whether “The Eyes are the Window to the Soul” lesson has already gone too far off the tracks. Although, the way that Samantha is eying how the horse’s costume behind hugs Jamie’s own behind makes Patrick think that all is not lost. He sidles up to Jamie and whispers out of the side of his mouth, “I hope you got jorts under that horse costume, cause we’re gonna razzle dazzle with a patented Twin California Two Step.” Before Jamie can nod, Kyle sidles up on his other side and whispers, “Hope you guys know the Triplet Ohio Three Step, cause we’re all in this together.” This is thoroughly confusing. As everyone knows, there is no Triplet Ohio Three Step and Kyle has never danced in his life. Before they can utter a “What thuuu…,” though, Samantha grabs Jamie’s arm and alerts him to the music cue indicating that their time on stage is now. “This is really important to me,” she says breathlessly and no more convincing is needed to get Jamie and Samantha galloping their way to the stage. “Welp, Kyle, good thing the Twin California Two Step has a variation involving a horse.” With that they jump on to stage and “razzle dazzle” would be an understatement. The crowd is stunned. The horse is grooving while Patrick flings Kyle from one side of the catwalk to the other. Just as they are about to finish, though, Jamie bursts from the costume and grabs Patrick by his jean jacket. “What’s the deal, man, you trying to steal my girl?” Looks like things are about to get rough. That’s right! We are actually doubling up for next week by watching not just 2017’s Fist Fight, but also 2017’s The Dark Tower. Why? Is there some hidden connection between these two apparently unrelated films? Nope. They are indeed unrelated. It’s just that we needed Fist Fight for a connection to Fool’s Paradise and I couldn’t handle not watching the Stephen King adaptation disaster. So why not both? Let’s go!
The Dark Tower (2017) – BMeTric: 47.8; Notability: 51
StreetCreditReport.com –BMeTric: top 10.8%; Notability: top 6.0%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 5.6%; Higher BMeT: The Emoji Movie, Jeepers Creepers III, Fifty Shades Darker, Death Note, Tubelight, Rings, The Bye Bye Man, Day of the Dead: Bloodline, Snatched, Transformers: The Last Knight, The Humanity Bureau, Leatherface, The Layover, The Snowman, Amityville: The Awakening, Flatliners, Geostorm, The Circle, Wish Upon, The Mummy, and 7 more; Higher Notability: Transformers: The Last Knight, Justice League, Sandy Wexler, Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales, The Mummy, The Emoji Movie, King Arthur: Legend of the Sword, Bright, The Current War, Geostorm, CHIPS, Tulip Fever, Suburbicon, Baywatch, American Assassin; Lower RT: Naked, The Layover, Flatliners, Hangman, The Emoji Movie, The Snowman, Rings, Tulip Fever, American Renegades, Fifty Shades Darker, Day of the Dead: Bloodline, The Vanishing of Sidney Hall, First Kill, The Mummy; Notes: I already ran through the top ones in the Fist Fight preview. I’ll say, a little surprised Amityville: The Awakening could even drum up enough interest to get a halfway decent BMeT. There’s 15K votes on IMDb, which seems absurd. It is just one of the many random Amityville “sequels” made in the last 10 years.
RogerEbert.com – 1.5 stars – “The man in black fled across the desert, and the gunslinger followed.” With that great opening line, an obsession began for millions of readers of Stephen King’s series of books that would eventually be known as The Dark Tower. … I only mention all of this to place the failure of the long-delayed “The Dark Tower” in the right perspective: this isn’t just a mediocre movie—although it is most definitely that—it is a wasted opportunity to fulfill the promise of that opening line from 35 years ago. … “The Dark Tower” is hollow. It is soulless. It is a film that never quite figured out what it wanted to be, and so elected to be nothing much at all. Worst of all, it’s clearly been chopped up by those reported reshoots and test screening edits.
(This review appears to be from a genuine fan who was somewhat distraught by what the movie was. Which is interesting. I have heard the last part of the series gets a bit wonky, so that does seem to bear it out. The first is kind of a world building exercise. Then there is an excellent sci-fi- trilogy, and then a wonky concluding almost-meta trilogy I think.)
(Looks pretty okay, and got some good actors. Doing a decent job hiding the fact that the main character is actually the kid … which causes some issues for the film I feel like. Should have started from the first book honestly.)
Directors – Nikolaj Arcel – ( Known For: A Royal Affair; The Promised Land; Kongekabale; De fortabte sjæles ø; Truth About Men; BMT: The Dark Tower; Notes: )
Writers – Akiva Goldsman – ( Known For: A Beautiful Mind; I Am Legend; I, Robot; Cinderella Man; A Time to Kill; The Client; Future BMT: The Da Vinci Code; Angels & Demons; The Divergent Series: Insurgent; Practical Magic; Silent Fall; BMT: Batman & Robin; Batman Forever; Transformers: The Last Knight; The Dark Tower; The 5th Wave; Lost in Space; Winter’s Tale; Rings; Notes: From the man who butchered I, Robot I suppose. He seems like a guy who is often brought in for heavy adaptations. Won an Oscar for A Beautiful Mind.)
Jeff Pinkner – ( Known For: The Amazing Spider-Man 2; Jumanji: Welcome to the Jungle; Jumanji: The Next Level; Future BMT: Venom; BMT: The Dark Tower; The 5th Wave; Notes: Classic career. Went from 90s television, to regular script work, to now being enlisted for big adaptations of random franchises. He’s apparently writing an adaptation of the cartoon M.A.S.K. It seems quite far along, has other writers and a director attached including Michael Chabon.)
Anders Thomas Jensen – ( Known For: Brothers; Antichrist; The Duchess; Riders of Justice; Adam’s Apples; The Salvation; In a Better World; After the Wedding; The Green Butchers; Flickering Lights; In China They Eat Dogs; Love Is All You Need; Men & Chicken; Red Road; Brothers; Open Hearts; Gamle mænd i nye biler; The Promised Land; Wilbur Wants to Kill Himself; Mifune; BMT: The Dark Tower; Notes: Oh he wrote The Promised Land. That is supposed to be quite good. Stars Mads Mikkelsen, and this guy actually kind of looks like him.)
Nikolaj Arcel – ( Known For: The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo; Riders of Justice; A Royal Affair; Department Q: The Keeper of Lost Causes; Department Q: The Absent One; Department Q: A Conspiracy of Faith; The Promised Land; Kongekabale; Rejsen til Saturn; De fortabte sjæles ø; Fighter; Truth About Men; A Death Sentence; Cecilie; Future BMT: Catch That Kid; BMT: The Dark Tower; Notes: The Director of The Promised Land … I’m going to guess this wasn’t a super great experience in Hollywood. At least Arcel made Catch that Kid and a few other maybe more normal Hollywood experiences.)
Stephen King – ( Known For: The Shawshank Redemption; The Green Mile; The Shining; It; Stand by Me; The Mist; It Chapter Two; 1408; Misery; Doctor Sleep; Secret Window; Carrie; The Running Man; Carrie; Gerald’s Game; Pet Sematary; Pet Sematary; Christine; The Dead Zone; 1922; Future BMT: Children of the Corn; Thinner; Creepshow 2; Needful Things; Sleepwalkers; The Mangler; Children of the Corn II: The Final Sacrifice; BMT: The Dark Tower; Dreamcatcher; The Lawnmower Man; Firestarter; Maximum Overdrive; Firestarter; The Rage: Carrie 2; Graveyard Shift; Notes: Our 9th King eh. And seven to go. I think we can knock that down to at least 5 this year. I remembering reading somewhere that the meta elements from these books grew out of his experience of almost dying after getting hit by a car in Maine.)
Actors – Idris Elba – ( Known For: Avengers: Infinity War; Avengers: Age of Ultron; Thor; Thor: Ragnarok; Thor: The Dark World; Prometheus; Zootopia; Pacific Rim; American Gangster; The Suicide Squad; Thor: Love and Thunder; Finding Dory; 28 Weeks Later; The Jungle Book; RocknRolla; Star Trek Beyond; Fast & Furious Presents: Hobbs & Shaw; Molly’s Game; Extraction II; The Losers; Future BMT: The Mountain Between Us; Takers; The Unborn; The Reaping; Prom Night; Obsessed; No Good Deed; Daddy’s Little Girls; The Gospel; BMT: The Dark Tower; Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance; Cats; The Gunman; Notes: Nominated for five Emmys, mostly for Luther. Was always swirling around as a possible Bond guy, and obviously quite famous for playing Stringer Bell in The Wire.)
Matthew McConaughey – ( Known For: Interstellar; The Wolf of Wall Street; Dallas Buyers Club; Tropic Thunder; The Gentlemen; Contact; How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days; The Lincoln Lawyer; Dazed and Confused; Sing; Mud; A Time to Kill; Magic Mike; Reign of Fire; Kubo and the Two Strings; Frailty; U-571; Sing 2; Killer Joe; Amistad; Future BMT: Sahara; Two for the Money; Paparazzi; Larger Than Life; My Boyfriend’s Back; BMT: The Dark Tower; Ghosts of Girlfriends Past; The Wedding Planner; Failure to Launch; Fool’s Gold; Serenity; Angels in the Outfield; Tiptoes; Notes: Famously a true blue Texas guy. He had the McConaughissaince a few years ago after years of doing romantic movies and being in the wilderness a bit, starting from winning the Oscar for Dallas Buyers Club. Now I think he mostly sells Lincolns? I was joking until I saw his upcoming projects, he’s kind of done nothing of note for the last few years and doesn’t have much upcoming either.)
Tom Taylor – ( Known For: The Kid Who Would Be King; BMT: The Dark Tower; Notes: Kid actor in this film, he’s been cast in the next season of House of the Dragon as a Stark.)
(Pretty disastrous, at least bad enough that I’m not surprised they nixed all film and television projects related to it. Surprisingly low budget.)
Rotten Tomatoes – 15% (43/279): Go then, there are other Stephen King adaptations than these.
(Wow, 15% is quite a bit lower than I expected. And there certainly a lot of Stephen King adaptations to potentially avoid watching bad ones.)
Reviewer Highlight: About the only thing holding it together is Idris Elba, whose irrepressible magnetism and man-of-stone solidity anchors this mess but can’t redeem it. – Manohla Dargis, New York Times
(Inception, ever heard of it? Trying to incept our minds into thinking we want to see this film. C.)
Tagline(s) – There are other worlds than these (D)
(Cool story, bro.)
Keyword(s) – 2015-2023
Top 10: Avengers: Endgame (2019), Avengers: Infinity War (2018), Deadpool (2016), Mad Max: Fury Road (2015), Star Wars: Episode VII – The Force Awakens (2015), Parasite (2019), Avengers: Age of Ultron (2015), The Martian (2015), The Revenant (2015), Spider-Man: No Way Home (2021)
Future BMT: 85.1 Winnie the Pooh: Blood and Honey (2023), 79.3 Jeepers Creepers III (2017), 78.9 Black Christmas (2019), 76.1 Jeepers Creepers: Reborn (2022), 74.6 The Grudge (2020), 73.6 The Turning (2020), 71.2 Paranormal Activity: The Ghost Dimension (2015), 70.7 Snatched (2017), 68.7 Norm of the North (2016), 68.6 Poltergeist (2015), 68.3 Meet the Blacks (2016), 67.0 Max Steel (2016), 66.4 The Disappointments Room (2016), 66.3 God’s Not Dead 2 (2016), 64.7 Brahms: The Boy II (2020), 64.5 Blair Witch (2016), 63.4 Hot Tub Time Machine 2 (2015), 62.7 Diary of a Wimpy Kid: The Long Haul (2017), 61.2 Like a Boss (2020), 61.0 Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Road Chip (2015)
BMT: The Emoji Movie (2017), Fifty Shades of Grey (2015), Slender Man (2018), Fantastic Four (2015), Holmes & Watson (2018), Fifty Shades of Black (2016), Space Jam: A New Legacy (2021), Fifty Shades Freed (2018), Fifty Shades Darker (2017), Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2 (2015), Rings (2017), The Bye Bye Man (2017), Zoolander 2 (2016), The Gallows (2015), The Boy Next Door (2015), The Ridiculous 6 (2015), Fantasy Island (2020), The Exorcist: Believer (2023), Firestarter (2022), Expend4bles (2023), Meg 2: The Trench (2023), Moonfall (2022), After We Fell (2021), Blacklight (2022), Independence Day: Resurgence (2016), Transformers: The Last Knight (2017), Morbius (2022), Hot Pursuit (2015), The 5th Wave (2016), Hellboy (2019), The Snowman (2017), Resident Evil: Welcome to Raccoon City (2021),…
Best Options (Fools Paradise): 70.7 Snatched (2017), 68.7 Norm of the North (2016), 68.3 Meet the Blacks (2016), 66.4 The Disappointments Room (2016), 48.2 Insidious: The Red Door (2023), 44.7 Fist Fight (2017), 43.8 House Party (2023), 43.2 Underworld: Blood Wars (2016), 38.9 Masterminds (2015), 31.0 Wonder Park (2019), 30.4 Vacation (2015), 27.3 The Comedian (2016), 23.2 Secret in Their Eyes (2015), 18.7 Entourage (2015), 18.5 Peppermint (2018), 14.9 The Book of Henry (2017)
(And there’s the rub. You see, we wanted to do The Dark Tower, but we couldn’t fit it into the cycle as the 2017 entry because that had to be used in the Chain … so we cheated a bit and did it as a bonus. No regrets.)
Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 14) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Idris Elba is No. 1 billed in The Dark Tower and No. 4 billed in Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance, which also stars Nicolas Cage (No. 1 billed) who is in The Wicker Man (No. 1 billed) which also stars Leelee Sobieski (No. 6 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 1 billed) => (1 + 4) + (1 + 1) + (6 + 1) = 14. If we were to watch Two for the Money we can get the HoE Number down to 10.
Notes – The Dark Tower is a series of eight books which span an entire connected universe which links several other books and stories by Stephen King, including Bag of Bones, The Talisman, Black House, The Stand, Everything’s Eventual, From a Buick 8, Hearts in Atlantis, Insomnia, The Eyes of the Dragon, and ‘Salem’s Lot, with minor references to IT, The Mist, and The Shining.
During the first act of the film, several Stephen King Easter eggs are visible. The twins from The Shining (1980), the hotel from The Shining (but in a photograph), the family (including the dog) from Cujo (1983), and the car from Christine (1983) (as the toy pushed by Jake in his room) are each shown briefly. Toward the end, there is the Rita Hayworth picture from The Shawshank Redemption (1994). Not to mention the ‘Pennywise’ theme park. The portal that Jake’s told to remember as his way back is 1408, title of 1408 (2007).
According to an introduction by Stephen King in one of his books, The Good, the Bad and the Ugly (1966) along with the “Lord of the Rings” book series, is the primary influence for his book series: “The Dark Tower.”
Roland sees a TV commercial with talking raccoons and asks Jake if ‘animals still talk here’. This is a nod to the character Oy in the books; a talking raccoon-like creature called a Billy Bumbler whom Jake befriends.
Dr. Hotchkiss, Jake’s psychiatrist, has a picture in his office of the Overlook Hotel, from The Shining (1980), another film based on a Stephen King novel.
Hey there, it’s me, Franchise Man. The superhero the world doesn’t want (but I know they need). I’m here to just remind you that franchises are great (It’s my superpower). Usually they start small, the plucky little upstart horror movie that blossoms into a fully realized world filled with self-conflicting lore. It’s beautiful. What is Jason? (you might ask) Well the Friday the 13th movies are there to give you several different answers to that question. What is Greek? That’s where the My Big Fat Greek Wedding franchise steps in. Every 8 years or so they drop one on us to remember that families exist, they can be Greek, and are there to ruin your life. As Franchise Man I don’t endorse the messages of all franchises, I only endorse their continued existence. So sit back, relax, and enjoy.
To recap, the Portokalos’ are back, Jack! They couldn’t stop Toula’s wedding in the first movie so now they are stuck with her half Greek family in the mix. But that’s not the point of this movie. No, the point is… wait, isn’t this supposed to be about a wedding? Not yet. See, the family is getting older, relying more on Toula and this puts strain on her family. This is particularly important as their daughter, Paris, is looking at colleges and they dearly want her to stay in Chicago. At the same time her father Gus decides to prove to the world that he is in fact related to Alexander the Great. In doing so he finds that, uh oh, he and his wife were never actually married. In the hurry to get to America the priest never signed the marriage certificate. Gus finds this funny, but Maria decides to hang it over his head as she feels like he doesn’t appreciate her. This creates a lot of kooky situations, but ultimately when he has a fall and has to go to the hospital he realizes his error and pleads for her to marry him again. In prepping for the wedding the planner quits because the family is insane and so they all work together to make sure the wedding goes off without a hitch. Or at least almost no hitches. Ultimately, Paris gets accepted at both NYU and Northwestern and ends up realizing she really does want to leave. Everyone understands and it’s fine. THE END.
Starting with the first film (which I had never seen), I thought it was very cute. I particularly liked how Toula realized she wanted to be a better version of herself, put in the work, and made it happen… that’s the beginning of the film. The love interest doesn’t even really show up until a third of the way through the film. Sure, the dad was legitimately mean to his daughter and it kind of made me sad to think that that is a real thing for people in the world, but besides that I liked it. The second film seemed to think that the kooky family was the only thing people liked because they cranked that up from 40% to 80% and left the plot in the dust. It still didn’t quite feel like a BMT film, though, as it was still a pleasant watch. Possibly it suffered by comparison (even if it is clearly considerably worse than the first film).
Hot Take Clam Bake! This is a minor point, but throughout the whole movie Paris is like “get out of my beeswax, I’m not going to Greek Club, stop pressuring me to date a Greek boy.” All while crushing on a boy in her class… who turns out to be Greek. Bullshit. There is no way this girl would be eyeing the kid and not know he was Greek. Even if she didn’t go to Greek Club she would still have seen him at some big Greek festival at some point, or in the Greek School, or in a load of places. Also, shouldn’t he have a giant family trailing him at all times? I’ve been led to believe that is standard operating procedure for a Greek family. My conclusion? That kid ain’t Greek. Just a liar. Hot Take Temperature: Piping Hot Spanakopita.
Patrick?
Patrick
‘Ello everyone! Are we talking about a long awaited sequel to a beloved classic where we just run it back and it just isn’t nearly as charming as we remember? Let’s go!
I obviously watched the first film prior to viewing this, so let’s start there. That film was pretty charming. And they did quite a good job turning the main character into “Frump Girl” and in the end her relationship to her eventual husband kind of rings true because you can tell the character is initially charmed by her, and then is charmed again without even knowing it is the same person. That is funny.
I’ve known a lot of Greek people in my day, but unlike Jamie none of them really resembled the characters in the film. Sure … a few were genuine weirdos with weird attitudes about their work and stuff, but I always thought that was because they were weirdos. … Was it not? Hard to tell.
And ultimately the only issue with the first film really is that the father’s character has aged like milk. What a crybaby. Oh my daughter isn’t going to marry a Greek person. It’ll kill me. Get over it! And in the end he does. But still, I feel like there is a level of “okay Boomer” that maybe applies here that would come from a genuine place and be like … yeah, we probably don’t need to pay attention to that old guy telling his 20-something year old daughter that she looks old and crying about her not marrying a Greek guy. Just saying. Still, the first film was super fun in the end.
The second film isn’t as much. I think they picked a good storyline. I think it probably should have been a different wedding though. In reality it was right there. Joey Fatone. He’s gay and he wants to get married but can they even have a Greek Gay Wedding? Sure why not. That’s what I would have done. Dang … I might have spoiled the Quiz movie now that I think about it. I’ll get more into Fatone there though and also tell the story of how Joey Fatone performed at my Bachelor Party though so you can have fun with that.
The film is far too similar to the original though and it ends up just begging the question as to why it even exists. This is the thing though … Fatone! We need a new angle. And gay wedding is definitely that angle. What a missed opportunity, and it was sitting right there for them.
The ever present Product Placement (What?) for Windex which seems like a far far too specific thing that was just about the main character’s father and no one else. These films all have decent Setting as a Character (Where?) here for Chicago. I kind of love the Totally Ridiculous Reason (Why?) for the film to even exist in that the parents weren’t actually married years and years ago, like what is that? Nonsense. I think the movie is closest to Good, but I do that reluctantly and only because I still found the main couple quite charming.
Alright, My Big Fat Gay Greek Wedding is in the quiz. Then we’ll deal with the fourth one in the next recap. Cheerios,
Oh man, so get this. My parents are getting married … again? Whatever, it is a whole thing. And while preparing this like crazy people I fell unconscious from exhaustion and now can’t remember a thing! Do you remember what happened in My Big Fat Greek Wedding 2?
Pop Quiz Hot Shot!
1) We back baby. Might as well start here: who is the titular wedding between in this film?
2) What other storylines do we have? Well, the daughter is deciding between two colleges in the film. Which ones?
3) What else … oh yeah, the father is obsessed with the fact that he is specifically a descendant from who? In the end his daughter fakes a genetic test to “prove” her father right.
4) Also in the film the father gets quite badly injured, or at least, has to go to the hospital. Where does he get stuck?
5) When the father gets a bit tipsy in the police car on the way to the wedding the mother gets angry that he isn’t taking it seriously. What special guest at the wedding is there to save the day by convincing her of his love?
Bonus Question: We are remaking this film. What is the story?
The labyrinth is playing tricks on Patrick’s mind. Every time he turns a corner he catches a glimpse of Jamie and his demon lovers, but just as quickly he’s gone. “How are they so fast?” Patrick thinks, but then remembers that they are demons. When he turns the next corner he finds himself in a fancy restaurant. “What thuuuu…” Patrick says dumbly. “What thuuuu… What thuuuuu… cat got your tongue, Patrick?” Patrick hears Jamie say from behind him. “And where’s the wife? I was really hoping the whole gang could be here tonight.” Patrick turns slowly and sees Patrick and the two demons sitting at a table set for five. “She’s, uh…” Patrick says, but he shakes his head. This isn’t real. This is all meaningless. He has to keep a grasp on the real world. He sits down without saying more. “Riiight, well if this is everyone I have a speech.” Jamie says and the demons coo in their creepy demon way. “Before I met you two I was afraid. Afraid of life. Afraid of the future. But now I realize that the only thing I have to fear is fear itself. And that’s a Jamie original quote you can take to the bank.” Everyone in the restaurant applauds at his very original toast. “I love you,” Jamie says and the two demons croak an “I love you” back and it sounds like the voices of a thousand damned souls. “Will you…” Jamie takes a deep breath, “Will you marry me?” The nerdy demon faints and the sexy minx demon smooches Jamie deeply. “What…” Patrick stammers, stumbling backwards, “No… What is this devil…” Jamie smiles too broadly in his direction, his eyes speaking a horror that belies the glee in his Ray Liotta-like mask face. “Demon Wedding!” That’s right! We are partaking in the most damned of BMT weddings. That would be the two (that’s right, two!) Big Fat Greek Wedding sequels. The first was an unlikely smash. The other two? Not as much. Let’s go!
My Big Fat Greek Wedding 2 (2016) – BMeTric: 30.8; Notability: 36
StreetCreditReport.com –BMeTric: top 21.2%; Notability: top 13.2%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 20.9%; Higher BMeT: Fifty Shades of Black, Cell, Zoolander 2, Yoga Hosers, The Forest, Exposed, Cabin Fever, Meet the Blacks, Max Steel, The Darkness, Dark Crimes, God’s Not Dead 2, Blair Witch, Independence Day: Resurgence, The 5th Wave, Shut In, Gods of Egypt, Get a Job, The Boss, The Other Side of the Door, and 33 more; Higher Notability: Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice, Suicide Squad, Zoolander 2, Independence Day: Resurgence, Alice Through the Looking Glass, The Brothers Grimsby, Warcraft, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Out of the Shadows, Allegiant, Kingsglaive: Final Fantasy XV, The Huntsman: Winter’s War, Ice Age: Collision Course, Now You See Me 2, Ben-Hur, The Legend of Tarzan, The Great Wall, Criminal, Live by Night, Assassin’s Creed, Gods of Egypt, and 13 more; Lower RT: True Memoirs of an International Assassin, Max Steel, Dark Crimes, Hacker, Cabin Fever, The Darkness, Fifty Shades of Black, Shut In, Misconduct, Mother’s Day, Exposed, The Do-Over, Get a Job, I.T., I Am Wrath, God’s Not Dead 2, The Forest, Dirty Grandpa, Cell, The Choice, and 32 more; Notes: We are five for ten on the higher notability count, but otherwise on BMeT and RT we aren’t looking so hot. Although the only one I would say I’m super excited for is eventually watching Max Steel.
RogerEbert.com – 1.0 stars – The original “My Big Fat Greek Wedding” was a fluke. A charming, warmhearted fluke, but a fluke nonetheless. It was broad and sitcom-y but it resonated with a wide array of moviegoers, despite the peculiarities of its cultural specificity, and it made a mind-boggling $369 million worldwide in 2002 … Her script is a mess, and no amount of Windex can clean it up.
(Wow, that is way lower than I would have expected. The film isn’t good, but it also isn’t the worst thing I’ve ever seen. Mostly it is just aggravating. This franchise oddly grew out of the era of horrible awkwardness and this film is now exception.)
(The jokes are terrible and honestly the “Why do you want to leave me!” is maybe the worst line of the series. It makes her look like a lunatic … which maybe the character is? But at least we have a story that seems somewhat fun and makes sense.)
Directors – Kirk Jones – ( Known For: Nanny McPhee; Everybody’s Fine; Waking Ned Devine; BMT: What to Expect When You’re Expecting; My Big Fat Greek Wedding 2; Notes: I think he might be retired. I wonder if this film was basically one last check to get him into a relatively early retirement (he was early 50s at the time). He was somewhat famous for advertising.)
Writers – Nia Vardalos – ( Known For: My Big Fat Greek Wedding; I Hate Valentine’s Day; Connie and Carla; Future BMT: Larry Crowne; BMT: My Big Fat Greek Wedding 2; My Big Fat Greek Wedding 3; Notes: She’s the main actress in the series and eventually directs the third. She’s done a lot of random stuff over the years, but almost certainly can just live off of My Big Fat Greek Wedding if she wanted to.)
Actors – Nia Vardalos – ( Known For: My Big Fat Greek Wedding; For a Good Time, Call…; The Curse of Bridge Hollow; I Hate Valentine’s Day; Connie and Carla; Wonder Woman: Bloodlines; Charming; Helicopter Mom; Dealin’ with Idiots; McKenna Shoots for the Stars; Men Seeking Women; Car Dogs; Future BMT: Larry Crowne; My Life in Ruins; BMT: My Big Fat Greek Wedding 2; My Big Fat Greek Wedding 3; Notes: The first movie started as a one woman play and Rita Wilson saw it and got Tom Hanks to produce a movie out of it.)
John Corbett – ( Known For: Tombstone; My Big Fat Greek Wedding; To All the Boys I’ve Loved Before; Serendipity; Volcano; The Silence; To All the Boys: P.S. I Still Love You; To All the Boys: Always and Forever; 47 Meters Down: Uncaged; Gully; The Burning Plain; Ramona and Beezus; I Hate Valentine’s Day; Dinner Rush; Baby on Board; Elvis Has Left the Building; The Lookalike; Dreamland; All Saints; Bigger Than the Sky; Future BMT: Street Kings; The Messengers; Raising Helen; Raise Your Voice; Flight of the Intruder; God’s Not Dead: A Light in Darkness; BMT: Sex and the City 2; The Boy Next Door; My Big Fat Greek Wedding 2; My Big Fat Greek Wedding 3; Notes: I would have guessed his Emmy nom was for Sex in the City, but nope, he got a nomination in 1992 for Supporting Actor for Northern Exposure. He was Aiden Shaw in Sex in the City which IIRC was basically the “other guy” Carrie could have ended up with in the end. He shows up in the second movie.)
Michael Constantine – ( Known For: My Big Fat Greek Wedding; The Hustler; My Life; Prancer; Deadfall; Hawaii; Voyage of the Damned; The Reivers; If It’s Tuesday, This Must Be Belgium; Pray for Death; Skidoo; The North Avenue Irregulars; In the Mood; Don’t Drink the Water; Peeper; Beau Geste; Justine; The Last Mile; Island of Love; Forty Days of Musa Dagh; Future BMT: Thinner; The Juror; BMT: My Big Fat Greek Wedding 2; Notes: He was quite old in the second film and ultimately died in 2021. He won an Emmy for Room 222 in 1970.)
Budget/Gross – $18 million / Domestic: $59,689,605 (Worldwide: $90,632,641)
(That still ain’t bad. I’m a little surprised they managed to keep the cost below $20 million. Given the success of the first they could have blown it out for some destination version which they ultimately did for the third.)
Rotten Tomatoes – 27% (48/175): My Big Fat Greek Wedding 2 is as sweet and harmless as the original, but its collection of sitcom gags and stereotypes never coalesces into anything resembling a story with a purpose.
(Yeah, that sounds about right. I mean, that was the same with the first, but at the time that felt at least somewhat fresh and original.)
NY Times Review: Even those who have spent the last 14 years pining for a sequel to “My Big Fat Greek Wedding” – by most accounts, the highest-grossing American romantic comedy – will rue that longing when they experience “My Big Fat Greek Wedding 2.” – Jeannette Catsoulis, New York Time
(I like the blue. Like the font. Obviously just redoing the first poster with whatever changes are necessary. Doesn’t work as well as in the first because you don’t really know what this is about. First was good, this one retreats back to being mediocre. C.)
Tagline(s) – People change. Greeks don’t. (B)
(I like it. Short, sweet, and we know we are in for the retread. Sure there are differences, but the important stuff will be the same. Good enough for a tagline.)
Keyword(s) – Year 2023
Top 10: Oppenheimer (2023), Barbie (2023), Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 3 (2023), Spider-Man: Across the Spider-Verse (2023), John Wick: Chapter 4 (2023), Ant-Man and the Wasp: Quantumania (2023), The Super Mario Bros. Movie (2023), Dungeons & Dragons: Honor Among Thieves (2023), Mission: Impossible – Dead Reckoning Part One (2023), The Flash (2023)
Future BMT: 84.4 Winnie the Pooh: Blood and Honey (2023), 66.6 The Exorcist: Believer (2023), 50.0 Five Nights at Freddy’s (2023), 47.9 Insidious: The Red Door (2023), 43.3 House Party (2023), 43.0 Fool’s Paradise (2023), 37.0 Paint (2023), 32.9 Freelance (2023), 31.4 The Machine (2023), 28.1 Haunted Mansion (2023), 27.4 Love Again (2023), 19.8 The Marsh King’s Daughter (2023), 18.3 Nefarious (2023), 9.1 Camp Hideout (2023), 8.2 Sweetwater (2023), 7.9 Back on the Strip (2023)
BMT: Meg 2: The Trench (2023), Expend4bles (2023), 65 (2023), Retribution (2023), Hypnotic (2023), Mafia Mamma (2023), My Big Fat Greek Wedding 3 (2023), About My Father (2023), Fear (2023)
Best Options (Romance):36.4 My Big Fat Greek Wedding 3 (2023), 27.4 Love Again (2023)
(Yeah not very many good options this year. If I had my druthers we wouldn’t have even done this since it ended up dragging the second along with it was which a bit of a chore.)
Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 17) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Lainie Kazan is No. 5 billed in My Big Fat Greek Wedding 2 and No. 4 billed in Gigli, which also stars Ben Affleck (No. 1 billed) who is in Pearl Harbor (No. 1 billed) which also stars Josh Hartnett (No. 3 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 3 billed) => (5 + 4) + (1 + 1) + (3 + 3) = 17. If we were to watch Raising Helen, and Two for the Money we can get the HoE Number down to 16.
Notes – Nia Vardalos’ husband in real life at the time of filming, Ian Gomez was also in this film as Mike. They later divorced.
This sequel took over 13 years to be made and contains mostly all of the cast and crew from the first My Big Fat Greek Wedding (2002).
Filmed in Canada in Toronto’s Greektown area.
Mana-Yiayia speaks English for the first time in this film. In the previous film, she only speaks in Greek.
Third film that John Corbett and Nia Vardalos have been in together.
Thank god we’re back in the 90’s so I can look at the NYTimes for Secret of the Ooze’s release date, March 22nd, 1991. And let me tell you… film advertisers were going nuts. I’m not talking about the quote at the top of the TMNT2 poster which seems to be protesting a bit too much about how the Turtles are more upbeat (read: less murderous) this time.
Clear reaction to the reviews of the first that were basically like “wait, this is for kids?!” I’m also not talking about this little note on the TMNT2 poster declaring JCPenny the place to be for all things Turtles.
No I’m talking about this Home Alone ad which is just… it’s embarrassing.
I’m embarrassed for you.
To recap, the Turtles are back, Jack! And they are having an existential crisis! That’s because they are just learning a startling secret about the ooze that created them. Bum, bum, bum. While living with April O’Neil they catch wind of her latest story: a (mostly successful) toxic cleanup by the company TGRI. Splinter reveals that this toxic spill is what created the Turtles and they are all like “I thought we were more than just mistakes” and are momentarily sad. They decide to talk to the head scientist there about the ooze. But they aren’t the only ones. That’s right! Shredder is back, Jack! You thought he was crushed by a garbage truck? Right! But he’s still miraculously alive and so are his henchmen. So when the Turtles catch up with the scientist they end up ambushed by the Foot Clan and lose both the last canister of ooze and the scientist. Oh no! The scientist is forced to make a couple of big ol’ mutant monsters, Tokka and Rahzar, with the ooze before being rescued by the turtles. Back in their spiffy new abandoned subway station hideout, they work extra hard producing an antidote to counteract the mutant wolf and snapping turtle super strength. Armed with the antidote, and with the knowledge that Tokka and Rahzar will attack Central Park if they don’t fight them, they engage with the monsters only to be thrown into a Vanilla Ice concert. Vanilla Ice is at first not thrilled, but soon he’s grooving to his new funky tune, the Ninja Rap, all while the turtles fend off Tokka and Rahzar long enough for the antidote to work. Shredder is enraged and uses the last of the ooze to transform into Super Shredder… but for like five seconds before he inadvertently uses his super strength to collapse a dock around him. Idiot. Thus they save the day and the Ninja Rap goes down as the greatest work of art in history. THE END.
This movie is supremely silly… and purposefully so! I rewatched the first film and I appreciated how straightforward and blessedly short the whole affair was. Not to mention just how insane the turtle costumes were. They are amazing. But it’s also a pretty dark film. So it’s clear what they were trying to do with the second one. Bring back the straightforward storyline and short run time, but also make it silly for kids. Mission accomplished. Sure the costumes are starting to look a little less good this time (presumably because they must have cost a fortune), but still, it seems like this is exactly what they wanted. Is it exactly what I wanted? I mean, not entirely. It’s quite stupid and the ending is an extended mistake, but still… is it wrong that I didn’t mind most of it? There’s a reason why I remembered this one better than the first one.
Hot Take Clam Bake! Shredder didn’t die. Like come on. He got straight murdered by Casey Jones in a horrific garbage truck crushing event and yet he just rises up no prob in time for this film. So you think a little dock falling on him (and a super version of him no less) is going to take him out this time? Fat chance. That guy is still alive and only doesn’t show up in the third film because he has realized that being a bad guy is no fun. You get crushed constantly by being a bad guy. So my theory is that he has reformed his ways and is now working a 9-to-5 in the big city just trying to find his way. Is anyone else smelling a fish-out-of-water sitcom a-brewin’? Shred and the City. Hot Take Temperature: A piping hot slice of NYC za.
Patrick?
Patrick
‘Ello everyone! Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze? This is one secret I’ll never be able to keep. Let’s go!
I think this might be the first movie where I actively went from “this is awesome, the pinnacle of cinema. I love movies!” to “Oh wait … is this movie bad?” while growing up. I distinctly remember getting all the toys at a birthday party (at the bowling alley I think?), and then I also distinctly remember watching it a thousand times, and then finally I distinctly remember thinking “huh this movie seems not well made” only a few years later.
Oh yeah, I’ve seen this film one million times. I loved it. I kind of still do.
Really the only unforgivable sin of the film is eliminating (for whatever reason, possibly his choice) Casey Jones and replacing him with a new human helper guy. I live the semi-ninja they have in this one, but Casey Jones was a solid addition and it is kind of amazing that they had him in the first film.
Obviously the giant new mutants are an abomination. And the effects are decidedly worse than in the first film (although not by much, probably a result of attempting to fit all the robotics directly into the turtle heads instead of using the shells). Really, rather sad they didn’t just go with Bebop and Rocksteady in this one, and then go full Krang in the third. Would have really been a neat little trilogy in that case.
I should talk a bit about the first film: I forgot how serious it is. There was a whole section where Raphael almost died. They all seem stunned when he wakes up. The interlude at the farmhouse plays like an 80s drama. It is weird and wild stuff and yet it pretty much works. Genuinely incredible what they pulled off there.
This one not so much. Still kind of love it. The Vanilla Ice music video at the end was ironically the greatest thing in the history of film (still is).
I’m going to give Keno a rare Planchet (Who?) award for kind of screwing things up and vaguely being made fun of during the film. As usual, I believe the Turtles have an exclusive Product Placement (What?) deal with Dominos. We are still in New York City for Setting as a Character (Where?) (for now…). Obviously this is an A+ MacGuffin (Why?) for the ooze which holds a secret we never quite find out, but everyone really wants it and it is a big thing driving the entire story. It is right there in the title! And why not, let’s give it a Worst Twist (How?) for the reveal of your kids’ favorite new toy: Super Shredder! This is closest to BMT for sure, it is very very silly nonsense from front to back.
Read about my secret Casey Jones spinoff film in the Quiz. Cheerios,
Oh jeez. So here’s the thing. I’m part of the Footclan. Great benefits. But then, seriously, a giant turtle popped out and bopped me on the head! He knew karate!!! Well, needless to say, I don’t remember a thing. Do you remember what happened in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze?
Pop Quiz Hot Shot!
1) So where we left off in the first film was that the turtles had succumbed to that all too common plight of the city: homelessness. Where are they living at the moment?
2) Wait … but what is the secret of the ooze?
3) What does the (kind of) hero scientist do to sabotage the dastardly Shredder’s (back from the grave (aka the dump)) plan to create mutant monsters to defeat the turtles?
4) And ultimately what are the turtles’ plan to destroy the mutants in order to defeat shredder?
5) The plan does work BTW, but there is a problem they only realize while listening to that bumping Ninja Rap being performed live at the rundown docks (?) by Vanilla Ice. What is the problem and how do they solve it?
Bonus Question: Wait … where was Casey Jones this entire time?
Jamie and Patrick look over the bustling BMF HQ. With the help of Scott Bakula’s international name recognition they’re back and better than ever. Kyle comes up and hands them the latest article for the site: Yes We Manne-Can, The Best Mannequin Films of 2015-2025. It’s brilliant. “I’m just glad I can help out, considering that it was not long ago that I was running BMT and you were trying to figure out how to be good.” Jamie and Patrick laugh a little. “And to think,” Jamie says softly with a smirk, “it was here all along. Family is good.” They triple bro hug. Everything has been coming up Jamie and Patrick since they kicked Kevin James’ head clean off. “Patrick?” Jamie says thoughtfully, “do you ever wish we hadn’t kicked Kevin James’ head clean off?” You can see Patrick turn the question over in his head. A moment of clarity crosses his face as it finally dawns on him exactly what they did that fateful day. He opens his mouth, struggling to express the myriad of emotions he is feeling, “No. No I don’t.” Kyle and Jamie exhale in relief. They triple bro hug again and the whole company erupts in cheers at the beautiful expression of family love, which represents the majesty of Bad Movie Family. They cheers with cans of Bud Light. As Patrick takes a deep draught he is left with a glowing green beer-stache. “Woah, what’s that?” Kyle says and grabs at Patrick’s can. It’s filled with a thick green liquid. “Oh, yeah, it’s just a little thing I invented. I call it Ooze.” Kyle takes a drink and his eyes go wide. “It’s like Mountain Dew flavored Bud Light. It’s… amazing. What’s the secret?” Patrick eyes Jamie. Is he thinking what he’s thinking? That’s right! We are getting a blast from the past with the original Justice League, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Both The Secret of the Ooze and Turtles in Time qualify, but you better believe I’ll also be watching the original. TMNT4Life! Let’s go!
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze (1991) – BMeTric: 32.3; Notability: 52
StreetCreditReport.com –BMeTric: top 9.2%; Notability: top 2.8%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 25.8%; Higher BMeT: Freddy’s Dead: The Final Nightmare, Cool as Ice, Critters 3, Problem Child 2, Child’s Play 3, Suburban Commando, Nothing But Trouble, Return to the Blue Lagoon, Mannequin: On the Move, Kickboxer 2: The Road Back, Zandalee, King Ralph, Double Impact, Beastmaster 2: Through the Portal of Time, Hudson Hawk, V.I. Warshawski, The Butcher’s Wife, House Party 2, Curly Sue, Ernest Scared Stupid, and 3 more; Higher Notability: Hook, Hudson Hawk, Mobsters, Flight of the Intruder, Switch, Rock-A-Doodle, Life Stinks; Lower RT: Return to the Blue Lagoon, Critters 3, The Super, Run, Cool as Ice, Another You, All I Want for Christmas, Problem Child 2, Mobsters, The Marrying Man, Strictly Business, Drop Dead Fred, Oscar, Nothing But Trouble, The Hitman, Mannequin: On the Move, Curly Sue, One Good Cop, Suburban Commando, Pure Luck, and 41 more; Notes: We are going to get to Hook, I promise you that. I have no idea what Mobsters is … played 14 times in the 90s. This played 45 times which is pretty decent. Rock-a-Doodle played a gaudy 56 times. Gives you an idea of that metric.
RogerEbert.com – 1.0 stars – I bent over backwards to be fair to the first movie about the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. It was, I wrote, “probably the best possible Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle movie.” Now we have the sequel, subtitled “The Secret of the Ooze.” I may not get what I want, but I get what I deserve. … I liked the older superheroes better. The ones that stood out from a crowd, had their own opinions, were not afraid of ridicule, and symbolized a future of truth and justice. Spiderman and Superman represented democratic values. Today’s kids are learning from the Turtles that the world is a sinkhole of radioactive waste, that it’s more reassuring to huddle together in sewers than take your chances competing at street level, and that individuality is dangerous. Cowabunga.
(Haha, so righteous Ebert. Here’s the thing. TMNT was rad. Like the coolest shit in the world when I was what? Six years old. I had a birthday party at the candlepin bowling alley and got basically all of the toys. Wait … is that enough information to pinpoint my identity.)
(My god, this what … TV spot? The sound effects are off the chain. Them being clearly very resistant to showing the bad mutants is kind of charming. And yes, off course the Ninja Rap has to take center stage,)
Directors – Michael Pressman – ( Known For: The Bad News Bears in Breaking Training; The Great Texas Dynamite Chase; Some Kind of Hero; Boulevard Nights; Those Lips, Those Eyes; Frankie and Johnny Are Married; Future BMT: Doctor Detroit; To Gillian on Her 37th Birthday; BMT: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze; Notes: )
Writers – Kevin Eastman and Peter Laird – ( Known For: The Lego Movie; Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles; Rise of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: The Movie; Heavy Metal 2000; Future BMT: TMNT; BMT: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles; Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze; Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III; Notes: Clearly the TMNT comic book creators. Was a play off of Daredevil originally all the way down to their enemies being The Foot (instead of The Hand) and their master being Splinter instead of Stick. Both heroes were created from the same ooze spill in the comics as well.)
Todd W. Langen – (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles; BMT: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze; Notes: Was a writer on the Wonder Years, and then wrote both of these films.)
Actors – Paige Turco – ( Known For: Invincible; Books of Blood; Urbania; The Pompatus of Love; Rhinoceros Eyes; The Favor; Dead Funny; Future BMT: The Stepfather; BMT: The Game Plan; Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze; Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III; Notes: Was in 85 episodes of The 100 recently. She plays April, which is, indeed, the main character who actually is physically on screen at any point.)
David Warner – ( Known For: Titanic; Scream 2; The Man with Two Brains; Planet of the Apes; Tron; Mary Poppins Returns; The Omen; Time Bandits; In the Mouth of Madness; Straw Dogs; Black Death; Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country; Mortal Passions; Time After Time; Tom Jones; The French Lieutenant’s Woman; The Company of Wolves; Cross of Iron; The Concorde… Airport ’79; Necronomicon: Book of Dead; Future BMT: Money Talks; BMT: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze; Star Trek V: The Final Frontier; Wing Commander; Notes: Was nominated for two Emmys in late-70s/early-80s and won for Masada in 1981. He plays the scientist in this who creates the ooze. I hope he had a ball.)
Michelan Sisti – ( Known For: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles; The Muppets; BMT: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze; Notes: Here is the only actual turtle to get into the top three credits. He plays Mikey. But like … in the suit, not the voice, which is hilarious. That was Robbie Rist.)
(Absolutely solid. No wonder they thought “we need to take this on tour” and then make a few more movies, and make a tv show, etc. etc. etc. And now a new movie is coming out. I hope it is good.)
Rotten Tomatoes – 35% (15/43): Not only is the movie’s juvenile dialogue unbearable for adults, but the turtles’ dopey and casual attitude towards physical violence makes them poor kids’ role models.
(Boooooooo. I don’t need this moralizing from my reviewers. Kids. Thought. This. Was. Rad. The end.)
NY Times Short Review: Now they meet Shredder’s new mutant monsters.
(I enjoy a lot about this poster. Shadows are cool. Colors are bright. Could do with better font, but it looks like a painting, which is cool. Just one question… what is Michelangelo holding in his hands? Are those his nunchucks? B for the poster, F for drawing nunchucks.)
Tagline(s) – Back by bodacious demand. (C+)
(Hell yeah. I mean, no it’s not good, but I appreciate the unironic effort to be totally dope.)
Keyword(s) – wisdom
Top 10: The Dark Knight (2008), Inception (2010), Forrest Gump (1994), The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring (2001), The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King (2003), The Dark Knight Rises (2012), The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers (2002), Batman Begins (2005), Inglourious Basterds (2009), The Silence of the Lambs (1991)
Future BMT: 88.6 Dumb and Dumberer: When Harry Met Lloyd (2003), 84.0 Prom Night (2008), 83.6 Spy Kids 4: All the Time in the World (2011), 82.2 You Got Served (2004), 80.0 Jonas Brothers: The 3D Concert Experience (2009), 79.6 Nutty Professor II: The Klumps (2000), 78.8 Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked (2011), 77.6 Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakquel (2009), 77.2 Superhero Movie (2008), 72.3 Bewitched (2005), 71.4 The Animal (2001), 69.4 College Road Trip (2008), 68.9 Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen (2004), 68.5 Poltergeist (2015), 68.2 Yogi Bear (2010), 65.7 Halloween Ends (2022), 65.6 The Haunting of Molly Hartley (2008), 65.3 Fat Albert (2004), 65.0 Scary Movie 4 (2006), 64.7 The Grudge 2 (2006)
BMT: Batman & Robin (1997), The Emoji Movie (2017), The Last Airbender (2010), Fifty Shades of Grey (2015), The Cat in the Hat (2003), Crossroads (2002), Norbit (2007), Fantastic Four (2015), From Justin to Kelly (2003), The Master of Disguise (2002), Book of Shadows: Blair Witch 2 (2000), Sex and the City 2 (2010), Space Jam: A New Legacy (2021), xXx: State of the Union (2005), Aliens vs. Predator: Requiem (2007), Fifty Shades Freed (2018), Little Man (2006), Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2 (2015), Taxi (2004), The Twilight Saga: New Moon (2009), Freddy Got Fingered (2001), I Still Know What You Did Last Summer (1998), Zoolander 2 (2016), Kangaroo Jack (2003), Are We Done Yet? (2007), Police Academy 5: Assignment: Miami Beach (1988), The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1 (2011), The Boy Next Door (2015), Wild Wild West (1999), Urban Legends: Final Cut (2000), Year One (2009), Are We There Yet? (2005), Marmaduke (2010), Big Momma’s House 2 (2006), The Roommate (2011), Tammy (2014), Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III (1993), … (and many more)
Best Options (daddio):67.6 Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III (1993), 46.3 Daddy Day Care (2003)
(So yeah, this is a bonus. Only the third one played on September 1st in the 90s. And obviously, because as I said, kids thought this was rad, it smashed the Kids’ Choice Awards.)
Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 15) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Paige Turco is No. 1 billed in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze and No. 2 billed in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III, which also stars Stuart Wilson (No. 3 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 9 billed) => (1 + 2) + (3 + 9) = 15. If we were to watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III we can get the HoE Number down to 15.
Notes – In the original Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (1990) film, the turtles facial expressions were cable operated with all the motors, servos etc housed in the shell. In this movie, thanks to a larger budget, the animatronics were much smaller and lighter and were built into the face itself.
Judith Hoag was not called in to reprise her role as April O’Neil after the director was unhappy when she derided the way they mistreated the stunt doubles and their unfair schedules changes. She stated at SuperCon Florida that she had no ill-will towards Paige Turco. Instead they met 17 years later and are now good friends. The directors found Paige Turco to resemble the character more, and found her chemistry with the Turtles to seem more sincere.
Ernie Reyes Jr. was Donatello’s fight double in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (1990). Producers liked Reyes so much, they created the role of Keno just for him to replace the ultra-violent Casey Jones.
The building used for the entrance to April’s apartment is the office to the New York location of Jim Henson’s Creature Shop.
Hi there, it’s me, Franchise Guy. As you know, I love franchises, but it’s also important for you to know that it’s not just some franchises. It’s all franchises. Even your relatively minor franchises like the Of the Titans series. So don’t think for a second that I wasn’t devastated to learn that there was a canceled sequel to this film called Revenge of the Titans. If there’s one thing a Franchise Guy can’t abide, it’s the loss of an entry. They made Angel has Fallen for goodness sake! You can at least make it a trilogy. So I beg of you, get back in that kitchen and cook us up some revenge. Take a page out of Mechanic Ressurection’s book and start it off in Rio, babbby! Some fun in the sun for our boy Perseus. That is until Zues comes a knocking for one last job. It’s writing itself.
To Recap, Perseus is back, Jack! And boy does he just want to be boring. He’s got a son, his wife has died, and he just wants a nice, quiet… Gah! What are all these monstarrrsssss, noooooo!!!! Maybe he should have listened to his daddio Zues when he asked for his help, cause now Hades and Ares are draining his power in order to unleash Kronos (and monsters) into the world. Dang it! He’s told by a dying Poseidon to take his trident and team up with his demigod son Agenor and Andromeda (hottest lady in the land, remember) to find Hephaestus. You see, H-man is a fallen god who also can make a super rad ultimate weapon that’s definitely real called the Spear of Trium. After dispatching some cyclopses, H-man is perfectly happy to take them to the labyrinth he designed to hold Kronos. Unfortunately, he also has to sacrifice himself to save everyone from an eeeevil Ares. Once in the labyrinth a bunch of lame stuff happens. Like there’s a minotaur, but it’s lame. When they get to Zues they save him, but Kronos still gets free. Perseus has to challenge Ares to a duel so he can build the Spear of Trium to kill Kronos. Meanwhile like a million people die and Hades and Zues become best buds again. Finally, Perseus defeats Ares, builds the spear, and totally kills Kronos. Zues dies, Perseus smooches Andromeda (hard), and they become god kings probably. THE END.
This one stings for Franchise Guy (did I mention Franchise Guy speaks in the third person?). I unironically enjoyed watching Clash of the Titans. Given that they could borrow heavily from the classic tale of Perseus, it was just a very sound plot. This time around they had to crack their knuckles and… find a bunch of random stuff to borrow from? It mostly feels just like that. A bunch of random stuff. Cyclopses are easily dispatches, a minotaur shows up in the labyrinth for like a millisecond before being thrown away, etc. Then there is the truly bizarre. They invent a MacGuffin, which I appreciate, but really? There weren’t enough MacGuffins for you to work with already? Hades has a redemption story… literally the God of the Underworld is hugging it out with his best bro Zues. It’s wild stuff. It also somehow looked worse than the first one, which is a trend in films. The DC films never really got back to the level of Man of Steel. It’s like a basketball team where the money stays the same, but the superstars get paid more and the role players (CGI) suffer. But you need those role players to make it work. Sigh.
Hot Take Clam Bake! I’d like to ask Perseus a few questions about what exactly happened to his allegedly immortal wife Io. My previous hot take was that Perseus 1000% gets with Andromeda after the first film and oh ho ho by sheer coincidence this immortal lady is suddenly dead and Perseus has to share a daring quest with Andromeda? Sure, sure, sure Perseus. Just a coincidence I bet. Wouldn’t have anything to do with that magical sword you have conveniently buried under your house. And, oh, after years of claiming you just want to be a quiet fisherman and telling your son to deny his immortal ancestors, you suddenly are all like “let’s rule with an iron fist” and “this is your new mom, Andromeda?” Take him away, boys. Perseus? More like Worst-eus. Hot Take Temperature: Hades.
Patrick
‘Ello everyone! Wrath of the Titans? More like Say Whaaaa of the Titans? I mean … I’m so tired guys, I just watched two CGI monster movies in a row. Let’s go!
Decidedly worse than the first … I think that about does it. Cheerios!
Fine. This time Sam Worthington seems to have been told that it is fine if he just speaks in his native Australian accent? Wild decision.
Rosamund Pike was good in the film though, I did like the decision to make her the strong leader of the resistance against … (wracks brain) … Ares? I think that’s right. Ares and … Kronos. Phew, I made it there.
The CGI looks like crap though. Maybe because there were many more moments of them just appearing in a place and then getting attacked suddenly by CGI monsters. In the first there was a bit of a “let’s put together a band and go get Medusa’s head” element. Here I honestly cannot remember what precisely they were looking for. I’ll have to look up the wiki page later for the details.
I do like how they twisted things up. The clear downfall of the Gods. All of them effectively die by the end of the film. It is clear that the age of the Greek god ruling is over. Makes you wonder what the third one would have even been about.
But no wonder this was the last. A decidedly ugly, dour film compared to a surprisingly entertaining and light first film. I guess what do you expect when you have to kill off the main character’s wife and make him a saddo to make any of the motivations make sense.
Oh I remember, I bet the third would have been about his quarter (half? Was Io officially a god?) god son and their relationship with the now powerless Hades (the last of the big four Gods we’ve seen).
Setting as a Character (Where?) again for Greece. Period Piece (When?) for Ancient Greece. I think this is a true blue MacGuffin (Why?) for the Spear of Trium which I guess kills Kronos and not much else? Closest to Bad I think, too boring.
Read about the documentary I made about Perseus’ fighting career in the Quiz. Cheerios,
Bad Movie Twins 