cycle: Fool’s Gold – Bad Movie Twins

Premonition (2007) Preview

Kyle, Jamie and Patrick wave goodbye to Ronnie and the 46 or so other Ronnies. “Oh wait,” Ronnie says, “you guys did say you were going to get a whole bunch of spoons, right?” Kyle, Jamie and Patrick all nod. “Well if you need any more there are like a thousand right over there.” Ronnie then points to the corner of the room where a few spooky skeletons are scattered. Behind the skeletons is a large divot in the stone wall where these poor wretches had apparently attempted to scrape their way free. Jamie goes up to the wall and places an ear against it. “I think I hear an air vent back there,” he says thoughtfully. Suddenly they have a plan. If the prison is willing to throw them away like trash, then away they will go. But first they need to gather some supplies in order to sharpen these spoons for the hard job ahead. “Kyle,” Patrick says, “you ever take a shiv?”

Patrick fades out from his memory. Boy those were trying times. It’s also a testament to Kyle’s storytelling ability that despite being wrapped in a cocoon for 99% of the story he is able to remember those parts as clearly as if he were Kyle himself. He looks around, hoping to find Kyle to pay him this compliment, and is surprised to see Jamie and him standing in front of the haunted house with several ghost traps smoking at their feet. “Oh, are you finished?” Patrick asks and they nod. “Was it scary?” They nod their heads again. Now it was time for the ultimate question. “You think you’re ready for that handshake?” Jamie thinks about it for a moment. “I think so, but the future’s so hard to know… you know?” he says. That’s right! We are watching a film where the future isn’t so hard to know, you know? It’s Premonition starring Sandra Bullock and I hear it’s quite good. Oh no, wait… I think I might have that backwards. Let’s go!

Premonition (2007) – BMeTric: 36.3; Notability: 29

StreetCreditReport.com – BMeTric: top 18.4%; Notability: top 29.6%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 5.6%; Higher BMeT: Epic Movie, In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale, Norbit, I Know Who Killed Me, Bratz, Aliens vs. Predator: Requiem, Daddy Day Camp, Who’s Your Caddy?, Are We Done Yet?, Delta Farce, Postal, Captivity, The Comebacks, Underdog, The Hills Have Eyes 2, The Seeker: The Dark Is Rising, Alvin and the Chipmunks, Code Name: The Cleaner, Ghost Rider, Primeval, and 26 more; Higher Notability: Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer, National Treasure: Book of Secrets, Evan Almighty, Fred Claus, Elizabeth: The Golden Age, Rush Hour 3, I Now Pronounce You Chuck & Larry, Aliens vs. Predator: Requiem, Epic Movie, The Invasion, The Ten, The Comebacks, Lucky You, Ghost Rider, Underdog, TMNT, Lions for Lambs, August Rush, The Heartbreak Kid, Balls of Fury, and 54 more; Lower RT: Daddy Day Camp, Epic Movie, Code Name: The Cleaner, Because I Said So, In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale, Delta Farce, 88 Minutes, Good Luck Chuck, Who’s Your Caddy?, Are We Done Yet?, Silk, License to Wed, The Number 23, The Reaping; Notes: Probably a rare year. As far as 50+ BMeTric films are concerned we’ve seen 14 of 31. The fact that there are 31 is amusing I suppose, we’d be lucky to get 31 qualifying films at all these days. Skinwalkers is probably the most interesting one. Lots of kids’ films in 2007 for some reason.

Leonard Maltin – 2 stars – Bullock is a standard-issue perfect housewife and mother who suddenly seems to be experiencing another reality: she awakens to alternating universes every other day or so. Can she convince everyone that husband McMahon is in peril – or is she just losing her mind? Whatever Hitchcock could have done with this genre thriller is not apparent here, and neither Bullock nor the script are up to the task.

(I don’t know what the deal with the Hitchcock call out there is. I can’t see anything about it being a modified script or leftover or anything, so I guess it is just like … Hitchcockian in Leonard’s opinion maybe? There was an episode of Alfred Hitchcock Presents (the second episode actually) called Premonition, but it doesn’t seem related.)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2ALLgKiE4gU/

(Goddamn, I remember this trailer so clearly. It played all the time, and then it got horrific reviews. That is maybe the start of me being like … I’m kind of intrigued and want to see this film. It’s been on the docket for a long time for that reason. Looks cool, apparently it isn’t.)

Directors – Mennan Yapo – ( Known For: Lautlos; BMT: Premonition; Notes: German. There is almost no information on IMDb about this guy. Had a (presumably) bit part in Goodbye Lenin!)

Writers – Bill Kelly – ( Known For: Enchanted; Blast from the Past; Disenchanted; BMT: Premonition; Notes: He seems to have been mostly making money off of Enchanted for years. He will have done two Cartoon Network shows in a row, Big City Greens and now Loud House (which I’ve never heard of).)

Actors – Sandra Bullock – ( Known For: Gravity; Crash; Bullet Train; Speed; Bird Box; The Blind Side; The Proposal; Minions; Ocean’s Eight; Miss Congeniality; A Time to Kill; The Heat; The Lost City; The Prince of Egypt; Two Weeks Notice; The Unforgivable; While You Were Sleeping; Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close; The Net; Forces of Nature; Future BMT: Practical Magic; Murder by Numbers; 28 Days; Hope Floats; Our Brand Is Crisis; Two If by Sea; BMT: Demolition Man; The Lake House; Speed 2: Cruise Control; Premonition; Miss Congeniality 2: Armed & Fabulous; All About Steve; In Love and War; Notes: Apparently spent a lot of her childhood in Germany, I wonder if that is why this has a German director. Won the Oscar for The Blind Side, and was nominated for Gravity.)

Julian McMahon – ( Known For: RED; Fire with Fire; You’re Not You; Faces in the Crowd; Bait; Monster Party; Chasing Sleep; Swinging Safari; Meet Market; Wet and Wild Summer!; Magenta; Future BMT: Paranoia; BMT: Fantastic Four; Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer; Premonition; Notes: His father was Prime Minister of Australia for a time. You would have obviously recognized him immediate as Dr. Doom in the Fantastic Four movies.)

Amber Valletta – ( Known For: Hitch; Transporter 2; What Lies Beneath; The Family Man; Man About Town; Girl Walks Into a Bar; The Last Time; Perfume; My Sexiest Year; Future BMT: Dead Silence; Duplex; The Spy Next Door; Raising Helen; Max Keeble’s Big Move; BMT: Gamer; Premonition; Notes: Was a model, and seems to have mostly stopped acting since her 15 episode run on Revenge ended in 2015.)

Budget/Gross – $20,000,000 / Domestic: $47,852,604 (Worldwide: $84,297,309)

(That isn’t bad all things considered. So why no Premonition 2? Premonition: I Can See the Future? I like that one, really tells you what it’s about.)

Rotten Tomatoes – 8% (13/161): Overdosing on flashbacks, and more portentous than profound, the overly obtuse Premonition weakly echoes such twisty classics as Memento, The Sixth Sense, and Groundhog Day.

(Ah the good old days where a crap thriller can come out and get sub-10% on RT. Just an absurdly low score.)

Reviewer Highlight: The sloppy, absent-minded Premonition is a step back in time and a giant leap backward for Sandra Bullock. – Stephen Holden, New York Times

Poster – Bad Feelings

(Ha! I mean, this is an insane poster. We can all agree on that. What does premonitions have to do with Sandra Bullock’s face being made from branches in a tree? Lunacy! At least it’s fun in its nonsense. C-.)

Tagline(s) – It’s not your imagination. (D+)

(Oh good, because I thought I was maybe imagining how horrible this tagline was. Zang! Wow a poster and tagline that both seem like total nonsense.)

Keyword(s) – 2007-2015

Top 10: Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides (2011), The Hangover Part II (2011), X-Men Origins: Wolverine (2009), In Time (2011), Transformers: Dark of the Moon (2011), Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen (2009), 2012 (2009), Terminator Salvation (2009), Due Date (2010), Fifty Shades of Grey (2015)

Future BMT: 96.3 Disaster Movie (2008), 90.5 Vampires Suck (2010), 84.2 Spy Kids 4: All the Time in the World (2011), 80.0 Jonas Brothers: The 3D Concert Experience (2009), 79.2 Daddy Day Camp (2007), 78.6 Shark Night (2011), 78.0 Who’s Your Caddy? (2007), 78.0 The Oogieloves in the Big Balloon Adventure (2012), 77.9 Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakquel (2009), 77.5 Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked (2011), 77.1 Paranormal Activity 4 (2012), 75.2 The Apparition (2012), 75.0 Superhero Movie (2008), 74.4 God’s Not Dead (2014), 74.1 The Spirit (2008), 73.6 The Last Exorcism Part II (2013), 73.2 The Unborn (2009), 72.1 Dance Flick (2009), 71.3 Paranormal Activity: The Ghost Dimension (2015), 70.9 Texas Chainsaw (2013)

BMT: Epic Movie (2007), Meet the Spartans (2008), Dragonball Evolution (2009), Jack and Jill (2011), Scary Movie V (2013), The Last Airbender (2010), Left Behind (2014), Fifty Shades of Grey (2015), The Love Guru (2008), In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale (2007), Fantastic Four (2015), Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance (2011), Norbit (2007), Movie 43 (2013), I Know Who Killed Me (2007), Prom Night (2008), Bratz (2007), The Legend of Hercules (2014), Dragon Wars: D-War (2007), One Missed Call (2008), Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li (2009), Skyline (2010), The Devil Inside (2012), Sex and the City 2 (2010), Aliens vs. Predator: Requiem (2007), Kirk Cameron’s Saving Christmas (2014), Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2 (2015), Furry Vengeance (2010), The Twilight Saga: New Moon (2009), After Earth (2013), Big Mommas: Like Father, Like Son (2011), The Gallows (2015), Jonah Hex (2010), …

Best Options (2007-2007): 79.2 Daddy Day Camp (2007), 78.0 Who’s Your Caddy? (2007), 70.2 Delta Farce (2007), 68.7 Captivity (2007), 64.7 The Comebacks (2007), 63.7 Underdog (2007), 63.0 The Hills Have Eyes 2 (2007), 60.9 Alvin and the Chipmunks (2007), 60.1 Code Name: The Cleaner (2007), 55.1 Evan Almighty (2007), 54.7 Balls of Fury (2007), 54.2 Feel the Noise (2007), 54.2 The Messengers (2007), 52.1 Kickin’ It Old Skool (2007), 50.4 The Last Legion (2007), 48.2 Blood and Chocolate (2007), 48.2 Stomp the Yard (2007), 45.7 Fly Me to the Moon 3D (2007), 44.7 The Hitcher (2007), 44.6 The Reaping (2007), 43.5 The Brothers Solomon (2007), 42.0 I Think I Love My Wife (2007), 41.6 Fred Claus (2007), 40.1 The Heartbreak Kid (2007), 40.1 The Ten Commandments (2007), 37.3 Saw IV (2007), 36.4 The Invasion (2007), 36.3 Premonition (2007), …

(Yeah fine it isn’t the best we could have done, but I’m not doing Delta Farce, I’m just not! In reality it was chosen for its gaudy RT score … although an amazing number of films seem to have gone sub 10% in 2007. I just looked it up, there were 23 films in 2007 with a sub-10% on RT. I weep for the world, what a beautiful life.)

Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 13) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Sandra Bullock is No. 1 billed in Premonition and No. 3 billed in Demolition Man, which also stars Sylvester Stallone (No. 1 billed) who is in The Expendables 4 (No. 2 billed) which also stars Jason Statham (No. 1 billed) who is in In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale (No. 1 billed) which also stars Leelee Sobieski (No. 3 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 1 billed) => (1 + 3) + (1 + 2) + (1 + 1) + (3 + 1) = 13. If we were to watch 28 Days, Must Love Dogs, and The Glass House we can get the HoE Number down to 14.

Notes – (at around 39 mins) When Sandra Bullock was restrained and struggling in the hospital scene she really did cut herself by accident. So instead of using a body double for the injection, it really was Bullock who got the Tetanus shot in the scene.

The movie was shot in continuity, so Sandra Bullock had to meet with the crew every day so she could know what she knew on any given day.

The film was supposed to be shot in New Orleans, but Hurricane Katrina forced the filmmakers to choose another location.

Although they play mother and daughter in this movie, Kate Nelligan is only 14 years older than Sandra Bullock.

Shot in 45 days. DVD extras show scenes being filmed from late-February 2006 to 6 March 2006. It indicates the start of filming to be close to 19 January 2006.

47 Ronin (2013) Recap

Jamie

What a great Bring a Friend we got to decide on here. I was dead set on watching Fateful Findings, a true classic of the bad movie genre. Sure we have watched a Neil Breen picture before, but that was Twisted Pair for a Twin Cycle. By all accounts it’s no Fateful Findings. But what should we pair it with? It’s the eternal question of Bring a Friend… what is it? What are we trying to do? Are we trying to just watch the best film from the same year? Should they be similar in plot or theme? Should it really just be an opportunity for a best-of-the-best wild card? If you look through the data I think you’d find that the answer is “All of the Above.” This time there were really just two choices: 47 Ronin, a big budget disaster that fits BMT like a glove, or Paranoia, a film no one remembers that shares the leet haxxors plotting of FF. Alas, no matter how much hacking of planets Paranoia promised it never stood a chance. Bring on some CGI monsters.

To recap, Keanu is a boy found in the woods by the ruler of the Ako Domain in feudal Japan. The samurai scoff at him because he is half-Japanese, but Keanu is OK and knows his place within the clan. He turns out to be a great warrior and helps defeat the monsters and such that could ruin the domain’s plans to host the Shogun, but still the samurai get all the glory. He’s still OK with that. The source of these monsters is Lord Kira who wants Ako for himself and when the shogun visits he meddles such that Keanu shames himself when he is forced to take the place of a samurai in a battle. Ultimately, the ruler of Ako is hypnotized into attacking Lord Kira and is sentenced to death for the insult. He is allowed an honorable death, his daughter Mika is forced to marry Kira, Keanu is sold into slavery, and all the samurai are sent away. The head of the samurai, Oishi, is thought to be dangerous so he’s imprisoned for a year… you know so that he gets out juuuust before the marriage that will cement Kira’s place in Ako. But I’m sure he’s harmless now… wrong! He immediately assembles all the samurai and sets off to find Keanu. They rescue him from the fighting pits of whatever where he’s fighting monsters. He then is like “we need swords” and takes them to where he grew up and it’s revealed why he is such a good warrior… because he was trained from birth for this shit. With swords and quite a lot of Ronin (I can’t remember exactly how many) they set off to crush Kira. They first fall into a trap, but half of them escape and so they regroup to attack the wedding itself. There they pretend to be an acting troop where they act their asses off before fighting their asses off. In the end they kill Kira. This is against the law but the Shogun kind of digs it so they let Oishi’s son off the hook to preserve his family and he lets the rest of them, including Keanu, have an honorable death. THE END.

I had more trouble with this one than the other recent BMT films (which I mostly disliked, but also mostly bored me). Do not get me wrong, this film is so dull it actually defies belief. But its heart is in the right place and it looks beautiful. It wants to bring a classic Japanese story (that is definitely very cool) to an American scale for American audiences. Not to exaggerate but it’s like Scorsese making Silence (alright, fine, that’s a step too far). But really I liked a lot of what was on the screen, it’s just crushingly dull. I also have a theory that Keanu directed this film. I do not buy for one second that the official director of the film (a noted crazy person) delivered a big budget epic to theaters. So I choose to believe Keanu cared about this and made it happen. Kudos to him and so I will say I was fine with this film. As for Fateful Findings, this one really lived up to its reputation. It is nuts. Kid of a perfect so-bad-it’s-good. The magic sauce in a film like this is truly not being able to tell whether the people making the film know exactly what they are doing. You keep looking at Breen’s face to try to see a smirk or a look in his eyes where you can go “oh, good. He’s not serious.” But he is serious. Bafflingly beautiful.

Hot Take Clam Bake! They should have spared Keanu. This is a guy who grows up in some weird monastery being turned into a human weapon. He escapes and gets razzed all day for not being a samurai and being half-Japanese. He then tries to warn everyone about a witch and instead of being listened to he is sold into a gladiator pit. He then fights monsters for a year before totally redeeming himself in the eyes of EVERYONE. Even the shogun is like “this dude is dope.” His reward? Congrats you get an honorable death. Hold on. He doesn’t get to marry his lady love and continue his honorable line? The reward is death? That’s bullshit. Hot Take Temperature: 47 Bone-in Steaks.

Patrick?

Patrick

‘Ello everyone! Fine I’ll say it if no one else will … Keanu, can we not? Let’s go!

I remember when this came out. I remember the feeling of seeing the trailer and being like … what the fuck is this? And then it came out and critics were like “what the fuck is this?” And then I never forgot it. It has always been on the docket for BMT (as a matter of fact we were already doing BMT by then, so likely it came up in conversation in 2013 or 2014 as a distinct possibility). In reality I kind of knew the movie was probably just going to be all spectacle boring trash, but we had to see.

It was all spectacle boring trash.

Really, it is just a lot of CGI with a loose story and it could have all been made a lot better without any of the supernatural stuff. If it was an insinuation that this person’s a witch, and that person’s a demon, but in reality it is shown that that is just a perception colored by different religions basically, I think the film could have been more interesting.

I does come across as a vanity project for Keanu, but weirdly at a time when Keanu couldn’t afford it? The Matrices were over ages before, and then he did Constatine (2005) and A Scanner Darkly and The Lake House (2006) which were all fairly successful. But then there was the catastrophic The Day the Earth Stood Still (2008) and from there it is just bomb after bomb right up to this. Then what happened in 2014? John Wick, and his career is completely revived. He ends up kind of getting lucky. He released a straight to video film in 2013. That was probably almost his fate.

Should I talk about this film. I guess I’ll just leave it with one last thing. I liked all of the other actors in the film. It was great to see a film like this done with actually famous Japanese actors. Keanu is jarring though and it would have been better served by someone less famous or at least maybe younger and who didn’t read as much as an established American film star.

As a friend we brought along Fateful Findings which is our second Neil Breen film. The film started off slow, but quickly morphs into “Oh my god, he really is the worst filmmaker of all time … nah, he must know what he’s doing … OH MY GOD HE DOESN’T!!” Just banger after banger of weird scenes where a person who maybe can’t act like a human being directs people and makes them not act like human beings. It is truly sublime. There is at least one more Breen film we have to see, but I think we’ve seen what are considered the top two now. I’ve heard bad things about the most recent one, in that it seems like he has maybe become tired of the process of making films and so he’s fallen back to mostly using green screen and automating a lot of it. He is a year away from making the first ever feature length AI film where the film is just made using cheap out of the box LLMs by a University of Nevada computer science major for $1000. A, not as good as the earlier Breens I think, but much more weird and entertaining than I expected.

Read about my sequel in the quiz. Cheerios,

The Sklogs

47 Ronin (2013) Quiz

Oh man so get this. I’m like a samurai kind of … I’m maybe a demon. It’s hard to tell. But rest assured, I tried to fight in the big samurai tournament and got bopped right on the head by a huge monster man. Now I can’t remember a thing! Do you remember what happened in 47 Ronin?

Pop Quiz Hot Shot!

1) How does Keanu recognize the witch?

2) What super faux pas does Keanu commit that results in him getting disgraced and beaten?

3) Why does the original lord of Ako have to commit seppuku?

4) What is in the Tengu Forest?

5) How do they infiltrate the eeeeevil lair of the eeeeeevil lord?

Bonus Question: I was thinking about a sweet sequel called like 48 Ronin, but then my agent called me up and was like “We actually need way more Ronin”. What? How do I get so many Ronin in my new script?

Answers

47 Ronin (2013) Preview

“That actually wasn’t so bad, Ronnie,” Kyle says to the rat monster who’s name is actually Ronster, which is appropriate. While time did seem quite different in the catacombs, Ronster knew his way around and they soon had Jamie and Patrick out of the catacombs in a jiffy. Kyle looks down at Jamie and Patrick and asks Ronnie why he had preserved them in cocoons and what the cocoons were made of. Ronnie shrugs his shoulders and admits that he didn’t do that. “Sometimes people end up in cocoons,” he says matter of factly. They unwrap Jamie and Patrick, who begin to yawn and blink their eyes like a couple of Han Solos getting unfrozen from carbonite. “Whu.. where are we?” they shudder and Kyle tries to explain. About an hour later, the story is done and Jamie and Patrick still seem a little confused. “So is the basement clean?” Jamie asks, staring around with glassy doll-like eyes. Kyle admits that the basement is not clean at all. “It’s really very gross,” he says looking at the meat people he made and the rodents that continue to mill about. “Do we get our spoooooons?,” Patrick asks dumbly. Kyle says yes, but he’s not really sure. Kyle asks Ronnie if he should be concerned and Ronnie shakes his head and his wings. “No one comes out of the catacombs quite the same, nor do they come out quite different,” he says and apparently that’s all he has to say on the matter. “Welp, thanks,” Kyle says. “No problem,” a chorus of voices echo back. Kyle cocks his head as a large number of Ronnies emerge from the darkness to wave goodbye. “Wait, how many of you are there?” he asks. Ronnie shrugs his wings. “I don’t really remember… maybe around…” That’s right! We aren’t watching 47 Ronnies, but rather the Keanu classic 47 Ronin… hold up, I’m getting word that it isn’t actually a classic, but rather the opposite of that. Let’s go!

47 Ronin (2013) – BMeTric: 27.6; Notability: 89

StreetCreditReport.com – BMeTric: top 20.4%; Notability: top 1.2%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 8.5%; Higher BMeT: Scary Movie V, Movie 43, The Starving Games, After Earth, The Last Exorcism Part II, Getaway, Texas Chainsaw, The Canyons, A Haunted House, A Good Day to Die Hard, Vehicle 19, Tarzan, Welcome to the Jungle, Grown Ups 2, The Green Inferno, The Colony, The Smurfs 2, The Counselor, Temptation: Confessions of a Marriage Counselor, Killing Season, and 31 more; Higher Notability: Movie 43, The Lone Ranger, Gangster Squad; Lower RT: I Spit on Your Grave 2, The Starving Games, Getaway, Scary Movie V, Movie 43, CBGB, The Big Wedding, Runner Runner, Paranoia, Grown Ups 2, Are You Here, A Haunted House, The Host, Killing Season, After Earth, R.I.P.D., Safe Haven, The Mortal Instruments: City of Bones, The Smurfs 2, A Good Day to Die Hard, and 1 more; Notes: We’ve seen 8 of the 12 50+ BMeTric films. It is a little unbelievable we haven’t done The Last Exorcism Part II considering we love franchises and exorcism films. Remember The Canyons … that was weird.

RogerEbert.com – 1.0 stars – Spectacular goofiness should be expected of “47 Ronin,” an American film loosely based on the true story of 47 real-life master-less samurai who avenged their disgraced master’s death. As its ads promise, the film features a troll-looking dude with a mace, a giant in a samurai suit of armor, Keanu Reeves with a sword, a tattooed dude with two guns, a sexy lady who floats around in a sentient Snuggy/kimono, and a pissed-off fire-breathing dragon who kinda looks like “The Never-Ending Story”‘s Falkor. But in spite of its enjoyable, easy-to-exploit aspects, “47 Ronin” is a big budget spectacle hamstrung by its need to be at once flippant and respectful of its honor-driven source material.

(That is kind of a long review which at the core just says: this kind of sucks and is all spectacle and no substance. I am a tad bit surprised they aren’t like: Keanu … can we not? Which was the impression I got when the movie actually came out.)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DEoDulGTElE/

(BWAAAAAAAAAAAH! BWAAAAAAAAAH! Looks dumb. I can’t believe they thought this was a movie that looked good and made sense. It looks ridiculous.)

Directors – Carl Rinsch – ( BMT: 47 Ronin; Notes: Oh right … we actually had a theory that this guy was actually just a proxy for Keanu filming the film himself. He has no other credits and really hasn’t since either. Almost seems like a pseudonym, although there is a picture on IMDb so maybe that isn’t quite correct.)

Writers – Chris Morgan – ( Known For: Fast & Furious 6; Furious 7; Wanted; Fast Five; The Fate of the Furious; Fast & Furious Presents: Hobbs & Shaw; Shazam! Fury of the Gods; Cellular; The Vatican Tapes; Connected; Red One; BMT: Fast & Furious; The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift; 47 Ronin; Notes: Jeez, he’s got a lot on his plate. Another Fast & Furious film, a Conan film, a Gears of War film, and a Bride of Frankenstein film (?). That last one seems maybe like some weird holdover from when the Dark Universe was being developed.)

Hossein Amini – ( Known For: Drive; Snow White and the Huntsman; The Four Feathers; The Two Faces of January; Our Kind of Traitor; Killshot; The Wings of the Dove; Jude; Shanghai; BMT: 47 Ronin; The Snowman; Notes: Nominated for an Oscar for The Wings of the Dove. I’m not joking when I say … I’ve never heard of that film, and it was nominated for a real award (writing) in a relatively recent year (1998). Bizarre. Writes a lot of television now including the Obi-Wan show.)

Walter Hamada – ( BMT: 47 Ronin; Notes: Kind of weird, I think this was maybe his spec script. But now he’s a huge producer overseeing all of the DC content for WB. Although I imagine that is now past-tense and he no longer does that. His only upcoming project is a live-action Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles film.)

Actors – Keanu Reeves – ( Known For: The Matrix; John Wick; The Matrix Reloaded; John Wick: Chapter 2; John Wick: Chapter 3 – Parabellum; The Devil’s Advocate; Speed; Constantine; John Wick: Chapter 4; Toy Story 4; The Matrix Resurrections; Bram Stoker’s Dracula; Point Break; Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure; Something’s Gotta Give; A Scanner Darkly; Knock Knock; The Neon Demon; Bill & Ted’s Bogus Journey; DC League of Super-Pets; Future BMT: The Matrix Revolutions; Street Kings; Sweet November; Chain Reaction; Feeling Minnesota; BMT: The Day the Earth Stood Still; 47 Ronin; The Lake House; Johnny Mnemonic; Replicas; The Watcher; Notes: Y’all know Keanu. Do you think they will ever actually make the Constantine sequel? I guess they could, he’s only become more famous and the film has something of a cult following which could work. Attached to a BRZRKR film which is weird.)

Hiroyuki Sanada – ( Known For: Avengers: Endgame; The Wolverine; The Last Samurai; Bullet Train; John Wick: Chapter 4; Sunshine; Minions; Life; Mortal Kombat; Army of the Dead; Army of Thieves; Speed Racer; Ringu; Mr. Holmes; The Railway Man; The Twilight Samurai; Minamata; Ring 2; The Catcher Was a Spy; The Promise; Future BMT: Rush Hour 3; BMT: 47 Ronin; Notes: Was in Shogun which is fun. Also was in John Wick 4 so seems to have continued a relationship with Keanu of some kind. Was scorpion in Mortal Kombat, I wonder if that sequel will ever happen.)

Kô Shibasaki – ( Known For: Battle Royale; The Boy and the Heron; One Missed Call; Kiraware Matsuko no isshô; Suspect X; Crying Out Love in the Center of the World; Go; Dororo; Tokyo Raiders; Over Your Dead Body; Detective Conan: Private Eye in the Distant Sea; Doomsday: The Sinking of Japan; Child of Kamiari Month; Shôrin shôjo; Scarecrow; Mezon do Himiko; Maiko haaaan!!!; Yomigaeri; Nobunaga Concerto: The Movie; Baragaki: Unbroken Samurai; BMT: 47 Ronin; Notes: Did a voice in The Boy and the Hero. Seems to be much more in the Japanese cinema scene at the moment.)

Budget/Gross – $175,000,000 / Domestic: $38,362,475 (Worldwide: $151,783,839)

(Yeah terrible. I remember when this came out and it was a notably huge bomb.)

Rotten Tomatoes – 16% (14/89): 47 Ronin is a surprisingly dull fantasy adventure, one that leaves its talented international cast stranded within one dimensional roles.

(Yeah seems about right. To me the supernatural elements being so in your face and CGI is an issue and it should have been much more grounded until they went off briefly to get the magic swords. But that’s just me.)

Reviewer Highlight: There’s nothing pretty or exciting about this movie (inexplicably, it’s in 3-D), even when all anyone’s doing is fighting. – Wesley Morris, Grantland

Poster – 47 Bone-in Steaks

(I like the pop of orange in the middle, but the fact that this is a poster for a movie featuring a large number of samurai (who knows how many) is crazy. Like that tattoo bone person is more important than the main character samurai? Really? Bizarre. C+)

Tagline(s) – This Christmas, seize eternity. (D-)

(Noooooooooo! If you have this as a tagline then you are required to feature Santa Claus. Is Santa Claus on of the 47 Ronin? The answer better be yes.)

Keyword(s) – 2007-2015

Best Options (2013-2013): 73.6 The Last Exorcism Part II (2013), 70.9 Texas Chainsaw (2013), 55.1 The Green Inferno (2013), 54.8 The Smurfs 2 (2013), 54.4 The Counselor (2013), 46.7 Machete Kills (2013), 46.4 Walking with Dinosaurs 3D (2013), 46.4 Baggage Claim (2013), 44.2 Identity Thief (2013), 44.1 Paranoia (2013), 41.6 Planes (2013), 41.3 The Hangover Part III (2013), 40.6 The Mortal Instruments: City of Bones (2013), 40.4 Admission (2013), 39.6 21 & Over (2013), 36.2 The Incredible Burt Wonderstone (2013), 35.6 Free Birds (2013), 31.5 Peeples (2013), 29.9 Broken City (2013), 27.6 47 Ronin (2013), 25.5 The Fifth Estate (2013), 24.7 The Internship (2013), 19.4 Kick-Ass 2 (2013), 19.3 Insidious: Chapter 2 (2013), 10.2 Labor Day (2013)

(Alright … well, we could have maybe don’t a better one here, but look through those films. 2013 was just chockablock full of nonsense! But yeah, something like Paranoia (which I’ve actually seen) or Labor Day could have been more interesting.)

Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 16) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Keanu Reeves is No. 1 billed in 47 Ronin and No. 1 billed in The Lake House, which also stars Sandra Bullock (No. 2 billed) who is in Demolition Man (No. 3 billed) which also stars Sylvester Stallone (No. 1 billed) who is in The Expendables 4 (No. 2 billed) which also stars Jason Statham (No. 1 billed) who is in In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale (No. 1 billed) which also stars Leelee Sobieski (No. 3 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 1 billed) => (1 + 1) + (2 + 3) + (1 + 2) + (1 + 1) + (3 + 1) = 16. If we were to watch Sweet November we can get the HoE Number down to 14.

Notes – According to Keanu Reeves, filming was first done in Japanese for the sake of the supporting cast, and then filming was done in English.

Carl Rinsch clashed with Universal over the final vision of the film. Universal wanted to make an effects-driven fantasy blockbuster akin to Avatar (2009) or The Lord of the Rings, while Rinsch envisioned the film as more of a drama, such as Gladiator (2000), or Kingdom of Heaven (2005).

This is the seventh cinematic adaptation of the 47 Ronin incident, after The 47 Ronin (1941), The Loyal 47 Ronin (1958), Chushingura (1962), The Fall of Ako Castle (1978), 47 Ronin (1994), and The Last Ronin (2010). This is however the first Hollywood cinematic adaptation.

The film’s budget ballooned to $175 million because of complex re-shoots and a lengthy post-production period. While not a success in cinemas, it did well on VOD, DVD, and Blu-ray.

The character of Kai seems to be patterned after Minamoto Yoshitsune, a twelfth-century warrior said to have been trained in martial arts by Tengu.

Nightmare on Elm Street (2010) Recap

Jamie

Oh hi, I didn’t see you there. It’s me… Franchise Man. Now you might be thinking “Wow, a Nightmare on Elm Street film, this must be a delight for the likes of a Franchise Man.” It’s true, but comes with some reservations. Back when I was a Franchise Lad and had only taken in such horror fare as The Faculty, Scream, and Final Destination, I found A Nightmare on Elm Street to not only be the scariest of the big three horror franchises, but the best. It just looked cool. Bloody body bag… bloody bed… bloody everything. But with every sequel Freddy annoyed me more and more and the whole thing started to look worse and worse. Friday the 13th might be shit, but it knows its shit and it’s a fun kind of shit. Nightmare always seemed to think it was cool even after it definitely wasn’t. And so that’s where we are with Wes Craven’s New Nightmare (which I had never seen) and the 2010 remake… hoping that with the return of Freddy to my life, my love for the series can also return.

To recap, our boy Kellen Lutz is having nightmares. His friends and frenemies alike are like “yo, you look terrible” and he starts talking about his dreams and eventually kills himself by slicing his neck open (but we know that really Freddy did it). At his funeral Kris sees some photos that she doesn’t remember taking with our boy Kellen Lutz. She starts to wonder whether this has anything to do with the dreams they all are having even though they didn’t know each other as kids… right, Mom? (spoiler alert: they did). Kris’ boyfriend tries to comfort Kris but it doesn’t help much when Freddy comes for her. He’s like “oh shit, they are going to think I murdered her” and he runs to warn Nancy and Quentin before they definitely think he murdered her and he dies in prison… but we know that Freddy did it. Nancy and Quentin begin a quest to uncover the truth about their history and the man known as… Freddy Krueger. Turns out that Freddy Krueger worked at a school they all went to and was accused of molesting them. In their horror the parents chased him down and burned him alive. This comes as a shock to the audience. They realize they are the only ones left of all the kids in the school and have to stay awake to try to stop this vengeful ghost. For a hot second they think Freddy Krueger was innocent and they just have to prove that, which would have been a bold step for this film to take, but alas they weren’t that bold and turns out he’s just angry because they told people about all the molesting. They concoct a plan for Nancy to pull Freddy out of the dream world since she was his favorite and this works. They kill Freddy and everything is fine again. THE END… or is it? (apparently not according to the end of the film, but we haven’t seen a Nightmare film since).

Ah well. I feel like I’ve been let down so many times recently with reboot and remakes and requels of horror films lately that I can’t even muster up enough energy. Especially for something like this. Why do you even make it? There are a few OK things. Like they remake the backstory so that they have all repressed the memories of their involvement with Freddy and when the first kid ends up going to therapy it triggers the memories of the others. OK fine. They also do a fun fake out that Freddy was innocent, which would have been insane. Cowards! But all the visual stuff is just remakes of the original. I think with all these films they have to stop just remaking stuff. Be bold and try to get to the core of why people liked this shit. Otherwise it’s just boring… like this one. Just as an aside, I watched New Nightmare for the first time before watching this film. At first I was unimpressed. By the end Craven won me over. He’s a weird director (not unlike Carpenter) so when you vibe with him it’s really fun. It got me in the end.

Hot Take Clam Bake! This is going to be controversial, but here it goes… even if Freddy Krueger turned out to be innocent of molesting all those children and was wrongfully burned to death, thus turning him into a vengeful ghost… [deep breath] I still think Freddy was kind of a bad dude. Hear me out. He’s a vengeful ghost. He kills teenagers in their sleep using a glove with knives attached to it. This is a weapon he didn’t even have back in his (alleged) molesting days. That’s not good behavior. Sure you might say that you have to separate the man from the vengeful ghost but hold up… you think he’s the only innocent person ever to be killed? You see any other Freddy Krugers running around like a bunch of murderous crybabies? I don’t think so. They don’t do that, because that ain’t right. Freddy Kruger: all around bad guy. Hot Take Temperature: The heat of a thousand Freddy Krugers.

Patrick?

Patrick

‘Ello everyone! Are we finally finishing up the final qualifying film of the big three horror mega-franchised?! Let’s go!

Oh snap. We finally did it. We’ve now watched all of the Nightmare on Elm Street, Friday the 13th, and Halloween films. And yeah, I had to look up and check that we did the Friday the 13th remake. We did. Phew!

There are bits and pieces of this film I liked, although it does feel few and far between. The main thing I think I liked was just the idea that you can’t just stay up and avoid Freddy. That, effectively, once you get tired enough you will take micro-naps and it is in that in-between state where you’ll always be vulnerable to Freddy.

I didn’t really like the suggestion whereby they headfake a wait? Was Freddy innocent? Of course he wasn’t! But like … it kind of would have been cool if he was. The idea that Freddy is a child murderer and then ends up being a quippy weirdo in the original franchise is pretty unsettling. The idea that an innocent man is murdered by a town and it turns him into a dream walking murderer, pure evil and vengeance incarnate? Kind of a cool idea. The fans would have been quite upset though. So child molester it is!

Otherwise though, yet another hilariously brief borderline cameo performance by Kellen Lutz which I always like to see.

A brief moment where I’m like let me get this straight … these people own snowboards despite being decidedly blue collar and living in rural Ohio, I don’t buy it! That’s what occupies my mind during BMT. Honestly, it is what occupies my mind when I watch good movies too which is kind of dumb.

I really didn’t like Freddy in this, primarily because his makeup just looked bad.

And of course they did the cheesy headfake ending as well ripped straight from the original. I’m going to throw out a hottake … I didn’t like it in the original movie. I think horror films, especially slashers with Last Girls should give the audience a reprieve. The headfake ending steals that away and makes it feel truly pointless to battle Freddy since he’ll just come right back and torture you in your dreams anyways.

A small Product Placement (What?) for Dell. And a quite good Setting as a Character (Where?) for once again making it official that Elm St is somewhere in Ohio. And fine, Worst Twist (How?) for just doing the fake out twist ending again.

I’ll just end with a quick review of New Nightmare which I also watched. Kind of dumb, although I do get the meta movie with the original actress (who still had it I thought). I liked a bit where they took the lore (Freddy kind of being a trickster god or something, but Freddy is just one of his many manifestations, and he likes it, so he’s back). But ultimately it was too silly and light on new good kills to be satisfying. The best kill in the movie was pretty much just a copy of one from the original … which they also did in the remake. I get it … you can rotate a room.

Read about my remake in the quiz. Cheerios,

The Sklogs

Nightmare on Elm Street (2010) Quiz

Oh man, so get this. I was haunted in my dreams by a serial killer again. But he was like … worse looking and didn’t scare me as much. Anyways, he popped out from behind some steam pipes and bopped me right on the head. Now I don’t remember a thing. Do you remember what happened in Nightmare on Elm Street (2010)?

Pop Quiz Hot Shot!

1) Awwww and here I thought we’d be having a Kellen Lutz bonanza! Instead he’s the one who manifested Kreuger into the world again via the power of storytelling or whetever. Regardless, he ends up being the first victim. How does he die?

2) Well, surely Lutz’ girlfriend (just good friend?) will stick around to avenge his death! Whoops, nope, not her either. She’s now the second victim. How does she die?

3) Alright, so they are going to exonerate him after he defeats Freddy, right? WRONG. He’s dead. Where and how does he die?

4) Oh good, they’ve cracked the code on the Freddy mystery. Now all Quentin has to do is stay awake and wake up Nancy … aw fuck! Quentin you blew it! Ultimately how does he wake Nancy up?

5) And you know you can’t make a remake of a horror film without copying that sweet twist ending. This time how does Freddy reveal that the nightmare will never be over?

Bonus Question: I was dreaming a dream of fine things (well … all the sweet sequels I was going to write, the usual) when all of a sudden my agent pops up in my dream. What does he want?

Answers

Nightmare on Elm Street (2010) Preview

“Ahhhhhhhhh,” Kyle screams. “Ahhhhhhh, you’re super gross. Ahhhhhhh.” It’s the best he can muster given that he will assuredly die at the hands of the horrific winged rat that has come to murder him. Jorge runs screaming down a nearby corridor, which appears to distress the rat monster. It sighs. “No one comes back from the catacombs. Time works differently in the catacombs,” it mumbles. It turns back to Kyle. “So how is my beautiful boy? Have you made my meat friends beautiful for me?” Kyle stops screaming and looks around the room. There are large sculptures of bones, hair, and meat scattered about. They are oddly beautiful creatures. “Oh joy!” the rat monster exclaims, “they are beautiful indeed. Wonder of wonders. You are truly my beautiful boy, Kyle. And more than that. You are my beautiful friend.” Kyle is extremely confused. The rat monster continues to explain helpfully. “As promised I will give you back your meat friends for my meat friends and thank you. No one ever makes them for me. They always run screaming into the catacombs and time works differently there. They don’t come back. But your friends fainted after I snatched them and then you seemed to think I was someone else. Usually they just run into the catacombs and…” Kyle stops paying attention. It appears the catacombs are the way the prison has gotten rid of unwanted prisoners. Or perhaps they thought it was the monster. It’s a bit confusing really. Regardless, it appears that in his haze he had satisfied some contract with the monster and everything was actually OK. “Where are my… meat friends?” He asks. The rat monster brightens. “Oh, I stashed them over there,” it says, and points at the catacombs. Kyle sighs. This is going to be a nightmare. That’s right! We are entering the final nightmare by watching the Nightmare on Elm Street remake from 2010. Seems like a bad idea at the time and it was. Great. Let’s go!

A Nightmare on Elm Street (2010) – BMeTric: 61.3; Notability: 51

StreetCreditReport.com – BMeTric: top 5.6%; Notability: top 9.2%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 10.2%; Higher BMeT: The Last Airbender, Vampires Suck, Birdemic: Shock and Terror, Skyline, Sex and the City 2, Furry Vengeance, Jonah Hex, Marmaduke, Gulliver’s Travels, Cats & Dogs: The Revenge of Kitty Galore, Yogi Bear, Tekken, My Soul to Take, Tooth Fairy; Higher Notability: Clash of the Titans, The Wolfman, Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time, The Sorcerer’s Apprentice, Sex and the City 2, The Tourist, Valentine’s Day, Gulliver’s Travels, Marmaduke, Little Fockers, Tooth Fairy, The Last Airbender, Shanghai, Cats & Dogs: The Revenge of Kitty Galore, Eat Pray Love, All Good Things, Jonah Hex, Burlesque, Takers, When in Rome, and 3 more; Lower RT: Tekken, Father of Invention, Passion Play, Twelve, Shanghai, Vampires Suck, Dylan Dog: Dead of Night, The Last Airbender, Waiting for Forever, The Tortured, 13, 6 Souls, Furry Vengeance, Crazy on the Outside, Saw 3D, Marmaduke, Little Fockers, Killers, Grown Ups, My Soul to Take, and 5 more; Notes: Let’s see. Another crazy high Notability and BMeTric. 7/14 for higher BMeTric, but get this … it was 7/7 for the top seven and then nothing for the next seven which is kind of funny. 9/20 for the top 20 Notabilities. The biggest crime is probably us not biting the bullet and doing all the Meet the Parents films.

RogerEbert.com – 1.0 stars – Forget about the plot, the actors and the director. What you require to make a new “Nightmare on Elm Street” are these three off-the-shelf sound effects: 1. A sudden, loud clanging noise mixed with a musical chord. 2. Snicker-snack sounds, which Freddy Krueger’s steel finger claws make every time they are seen. 3. A voice deepener, to drop Freddy’s speaking voice to an ominous level. … I stared at “A Nightmare on Elm Street” with weary resignation. The movie consists of a series of teenagers who are introduced, haunted by nightmares and then slashed to death by Freddy. So what? Are we supposed to be scared? Is the sudden clanging chord supposed to evoke a fearful Pavlovian response? For Rufus, maybe, but not for me. Here, boy.

(I kind of agree. The issue with the film is that it doesn’t really bring much new stuff to the table and what is new isn’t usually great. So why? Why remake the series. Why not just split off as a direct sequel to the original or something. I feel like Halloween ultimately had the write idea even if the execution left something to be desired.)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aNWZVIYGapI/

(Boom, the Ohio flag front and center. So they at least got that right. You have to firmly established what state this movie is in. Otherwise it is no fun. Oh, I remember seeing the makeup in like Entertainment Weekly or something and just being very unimpressed.)

Directors – Samuel Bayer – ( BMT: A Nightmare on Elm Street; Notes: From what I can tell he has over 100 directing credits and this is the only feature. They are basically all music videos.)

Writers – Wesley Strick – ( Known For: Cape Fear; Arachnophobia; Wolf; Return to Paradise; Final Analysis; True Believer; Love Is the Drug; Future BMT: The Saint; The Glass House; BMT: Doom; A Nightmare on Elm Street; The Loft; Notes: Wrote seven episodes of The Man in the High Castle more recently. His last feature was the BMT film The Loft.)

Eric Heisserer – ( Known For: Arrival; Bird Box; Lights Out; Final Destination 5; Extinction; Hours; Future BMT: The Thing; BMT: A Nightmare on Elm Street; Bloodshot; Notes: Apparently attached to a new Van Helsing film. Has written and developed the Shadow and Bone television show.)

Wes Craven – ( Known For: A Nightmare on Elm Street; The Hills Have Eyes; Freddy vs. Jason; The Last House on the Left; A Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors; A Nightmare on Elm Street 2: Freddy’s Revenge; Paris, I Love You; New Nightmare; A Nightmare on Elm Street 4: The Dream Master; The Last House on the Left; The People Under the Stairs; The Hills Have Eyes; Swamp Thing; The Hills Have Eyes Part II; Deadly Blessing; Future BMT: The Hills Have Eyes 2; Pulse; My Soul to Take; Shocker; BMT: A Nightmare on Elm Street; Freddy’s Dead: The Final Nightmare; A Nightmare on Elm Street: The Dream Child; Notes: Obviously a character credit only. I would probably think it is cool to finish Wes Craven’s filmography at some point … but I kind of don’t want to watch The Hills Have Eyes.)

Actors – Jackie Earle Haley – ( Known For: Shutter Island; Watchmen; Alita: Battle Angel; Lincoln; RoboCop; Little Children; Breaking Away; The Bad News Bears; The Birth of a Nation; Parkland; Criminal Activities; Winged Creatures; The Retirement Plan; Nemesis; The Day of the Locust; Damnation Alley; Losin’ It; Maniac Cop 3: Badge of Silence; The Bad News Bears in Breaking Training; My Father’s Dragon; Future BMT: Dark Shadows; Semi-Pro; All the King’s Men; BMT: London Has Fallen; The Dark Tower; A Nightmare on Elm Street; Hypnotic; Notes: Former child actor most notably for The Bad News Bears. He’s all over the place still, although I don’t recognize the four projects he has in production. Nominated for an Oscar for Little Children.)

Rooney Mara – ( Known For: The Social Network; Her; The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo; Lion; Side Effects; Nightmare Alley; Carol; Kubo and the Two Strings; A Ghost Story; Youth in Revolt; Women Talking; The Discovery; Don’t Worry, He Won’t Get Far on Foot; Trash; Ain’t Them Bodies Saints; Song to Song; Una; Mary Magdalene; The Secret Scripture; The Winning Season; Future BMT: Pan; BMT: A Nightmare on Elm Street; Notes: Wow that’s an impressive filmography light on qualifiers. She’s somehow related for both Rooney and Mara the owners of the Steelers and Jets.)

Kyle Gallner – ( Known For: American Sniper; Smile; Scream; Jennifer’s Body; Red Eye; Beautiful Creatures; The Finest Hours; Red State; Wet Hot American Summer; Dear White People; Just Before I Go; Smashed; Red; Ghosts of War; CBGB; The Cleansing Hour; Beautiful Boy; The Passenger; Dinner in America; Little Birds; BMT: A Nightmare on Elm Street; The Haunting in Connecticut; Notes: I mostly know him for Veronica Mars, season 2. Although now I do realize he’s the swimming kid who loses his buddy in Wet Hot American Summer.)

Budget/Gross – $35,000,000 / Domestic: $63,075,011 (Worldwide: $115,695,339)

(That’s actually not bad considering the budget. See? Horror prints money. Even bad horror. It is a wonder they didn’t just charge forward with a sequel.)

Rotten Tomatoes – 14% (26/184): Visually faithful but lacking the depth and subversive twists that made the original so memorable, the Nightmare on Elm Street remake lives up to its title in the worst possible way.

(Yeah, that is it right? The original had a few very in your face moments. The body bag, the electric claws, the rotating room, the man eating bed, the elastic wall, etc. A ton. This either copied all of those or just didn’t bring anything new or interesting to the table.)

Reviewer Highlight: Traffics in overly familiar scare tactics, setting up predictable false alarms and telegraphing in advance just when Freddy will pop into the frame and utter one of his labored witticisms. – A.O. Scott, New York Times

Poster – Frightmare on Sklog Street

(Sure why not. I’m not going to knock them going for a classic. A touch of font to spice it up. I’m cool with it. B+.)

Tagline(s) – Welcome to Your New Nightmare. (C-)

(Nah. You can’t take the title of the last movie and just use it as the tagline.)

Keyword(s) – 2007-2015

Best Options (franchise): 84.2 Spy Kids 4: All the Time in the World (2011), 79.2 Daddy Day Camp (2007), 77.9 Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakquel (2009), 77.5 Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked (2011), 77.1 Paranormal Activity 4 (2012), 74.4 God’s Not Dead (2014), 71.3 Paranormal Activity: The Ghost Dimension (2015), 70.9 Texas Chainsaw (2013), 64.8 The Final Destination (2009), 64.1 Paranormal Activity: The Marked Ones (2014), 62.2 The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor (2008), 61.3 Nightmare on Elm Street (2010), 61.2 Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Road Chip (2015), 61.0 Madea Goes to Jail (2009), 60.9 Alvin and the Chipmunks (2007), 58.5 Resident Evil: Retribution (2012), 57.9 The Transporter Refueled (2015), 55.2 Annabelle (2014), 53.3 Meet the Browns (2008), 53.0 Madea’s Witness Protection (2012), 51.1 Madea’s Big Happy Family (2011), 51.1 Little Fockers (2010), 50.9 Saw 3D (2010), …

(We could have done Paranormal Activity 4 but that would have been a disaster. This was an option that finished off a major franchise, didn’t have a ton of homework, and was considered terrible. By far the best option.)

Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 15) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Jackie Earle Haley is No. 1 billed in A Nightmare on Elm Street and No. 6 billed in Hypnotic, which also stars Ben Affleck (No. 1 billed) who is in Pearl Harbor (No. 1 billed) which also stars Josh Hartnett (No. 3 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 3 billed) => (1 + 6) + (1 + 1) + (3 + 3) = 15. There is no shorter path at the moment.

Notes – Freddy’s sweater was knitted by Judy Graham, the same woman who knitted Freddy’s sweater in the original A Nightmare on Elm Street (1984).

Kyle Gallner suffered a cut to his abdomen when the glove Jackie Earle Haley had been wearing failed to bend back down, leaving one of the knives still extended. Haley didn’t realize this until the scene was finished.

For his big scene in the opening sequence, Kellan Lutz chose not to sleep for a few days to get himself into character.

When Jackie Earle Haley was asked what put him in the right mindset to play Freddy Krueger, he said “sitting in the makeup chair for three hours. After that, you feel like you could kill someone.”

Freddy says that the human brain will still function well over seven minutes after death. This is actually true, the human brain will function nearly ten minutes after death. Note: This is not true. If the brain is still functioning, you are, by definition, not dead. You may dying, but those are not the same things.

G-Force Recap

Jamie

Sometimes I like to take a little trip down memory lane in our patented BMTime Machine to remind myself of where we came from. When we first started we didn’t even have cycles. We just watched movies that were being done on a podcast. Then we moved on to mostly watching things we could get through Netflix… the DVD delivery company. Eventually we were like wait a second… rulez are coolz and we began to go through cycles which morphed over time into a standard set of genres and a Stallonian Calendar to incorporate in theater viewing. Now we have a story that ties all the cycles together. Like reverse entropy we have sought order in a BMTverse of disorder. What is lost in all this is that at one point one of the regular genres we had in our cycles was Kids films. That is until we said, “why are we doing this to ourselves?” and stopped. But every once in a while…

To recap, [Jamie exhales an extended sigh and follows that with a contemplative look. Rain streaks down the window pane. Jamie sighs again recalling all the moments in his life he would never get back. He smiles slightly. Many of these moments were good. Moments spent with loved ones. Moments spent thinking deeply about work… love… art. But some moments. Some moments…] THE END. JK. This is a film about a bunch of secret agent guinea pigs (and a mole (and a fly)) who have been created by Zach Galifianakis. He’s worried that the US government is going to shut the program down because he’s spending millions on sciencing up these animals without much to show for it… until now. They decide to go in and get the details on the dastardly plot of a tech corporation called Saber. This goes swimmingly and they find a plan to weaponize appliances across the world secretly installed on Saber’s computer chips. Unfortunately when they show the chip to the G-men coming to shut them down the plan is nowhere to be seen. Before the government can take them into custody they escape in a delivery truck that happens to go directly to a pet store. Hilarity ensues… and by that I mean that the mole is killed trying to escape and two of the GPigs (as the kids call them) are sold off rambunctious kids. Our hero GPig, Darwin, goes after the others and with the help of an untrained GPig from the store are able to get the others in hand and make their way back to Saber to infect the mainframe and stop the plan. There they find that the head of the company is totally unaware of the plan. Instead it was their own mole who was a mole in the corporation and set the whole thing up. He wasn’t dead at all! Saboteur! They all do battle and eventually the mole sees the error of his ways and the plan is stopped. The government is grateful and they all become official agents. Hooray. THE END.

Ugh. Really, ugh. I sometimes forget what it’s like to watch an adult movie (not that kind… I mean like I Don’t Know How She Does It) compared to something like G-Force. IDKHSDI looks like Hamlet in comparison. G-Force is like something made for a sales pitch for cheap television shows. It seriously looks like they took the real actors and stuck them in front of a camera in extreme closeup and had them say a bunch of lines so they could just throw them in wherever they needed between scenes of fake animals skateboarding or whatever. Everything in this is complete nonsense… although… the company that made it obviously knew what they were doing. Their passion was talking animals and boy did they know how to make some CGI animals. Anyway, I watched this on a plane when I could have been sleeping. What a shame.

Hot Take Clam Bake! This isn’t even a hot take. It’s the cold hard truth. The ending to this film was changed. The mole has faked his death and then is revealed to be… the mole. We see him all evil and shit talking about evil stuff. Suddenly, in the middle of battling our heroes he has a change of heart. But go back and watch the end… the rest of the fight the CGI mole is still attempting to stop the heroes from saving the day. Why? Because they realized they couldn’t kill an animal onscreen in a children’s movie. Apparently they only realized this after it was too late and they had to try to obscure the truth by flash and trickery. Cowards! I want justice. Release the Murder Cut of G-Force! Hot Take Temperature: The snowy peaks of the Andes Mountains.

Patrick?

Patrick

‘Ello everyone! Are we talking about a kids’ film?! But … we never talk about kids’ films. Why are we watching a bad kids’ film? Let’s go!

This movie is weird. Like … it is weird that it is even partially live action. I do have theories about this … do I go into that now? Probably.

So here’s my theory (which I think is supported by some of the other information you can find online). The director of the film was effectively pioneering a method to cheaply create live-action / CGI hybrid video so that eventually they could do television and stuff. So a lot of the film is created out of just tons of B-roll which then, whenever they needed, they would insert the CGI guinea pigs. But then the budget ballooned after Disney took over and started monkeying around and ultimately they were blamed for it and the company didn’t go anywhere. Basically my theory was this was a real Jimmy Neutron situation (where they actually did parlay their movie into, if I recall, a cheaply made but decent looking CGI television show), but in the end it wasn’t successful because it ended up just being a modest success and expensive instead of cheap.

As for the film: dumb. The voice acting is dumb, and there is a sexy guinea pig, and overall it is just no bueno.

That being said, I was surprised at how well put together some of it was in the first half. Like, it looked shockingly good.

But you could see the seams at times. Specifically, there is a moment where they claim they navigated by the stars, but the characters appeared to have only traveled during the day. Clearly there was originally a big part in the middle involving a nighttime scene they either didn’t get to, cut, or overlooked. It is stuff like that where you are like … oh yeah, this film is kind of barely there.

Did I say the voice acting is dumb? Mostly just people using their own voices, and then a few who went really over the top (Nic Cage? Doing such an odd voice as to be almost unrecognizable … so much so I wondered if he just hired a proxy voice actor to do the entire thing and banked the difference as naming rights).

You know what? I’m going to toss out the fat farting guinea pig voiced by Favreau as a Planchet (Who?) and you can’t stop me. Naturally there is a solid MacGuffin (Why?) for the PDA / virus that the G-Force is going after in the beginning and throughout the film. And a Worst Twist (How?) for the ultimate conclusion that obviously Nic Cage as the star-nosed mole was the bad guy all along. This movie, like nearly all bad kids’ films, is just boring and bad

Read about my sequel in the Quiz. Cheerios,

The Sklogs.

G-Force Quiz

Oh man, so get this. I made a race of super-genius guinea pigs and now everyone is totally mad at me! Abominations, they say. You’ve doomed humanity, they say. Whatever. Although … they did bonk me on the head and steal all my lab equipment, which bodes poorly I think. Regardless, I don’t remember a thing. Do you remember what happened in G-Force?

Pop Quiz Hot Shot!

1) The film opens with a mission meant to prove themselves at the estate of Leonard Saber. What are they lookin for? What did they get?

2) They have to escape being decomissioned via a pet store truck. How do they then escape the completely inescapable pet store cage?

3) After briefly getting distracted by cake, Hurley and Darwin see just what they are looking for, a coffee machine! How do they destroy it and how do they get it back to the lab?

4) Ultimately how do they defeat Clusterstorm?

5) Who is Mr. Yanshu?

Bonus Question: ooooooooh, a call from my agent. What does he want?

Answers

G-Force Preview

Between dancing with his mannequins and assuring his mother that he is making them beautiful for her (always for her) during one of her many unsettling visits to his room, Kyle slowly makes his way to the mannequin in the corner. “Pssst,” he whispers, not wanting to alert his mother or make the other mannequins jealous. “Is… is someone else there?” A shaky voice responds. He was right! This isn’t just a gorgeous mannequin, it’s a man trapped down here like him. He tells him what has happened. “Whu… Kyle? My god, it’s me, Jorge. How? We were sent down after you. Me and the other Dos Amigos. They’re gone. They’re dead.” Kyle is shaken. He doesn’t want to ask the question but he can’t help it. How long ago did they get sent down to the basement? The room grows colder. He could feel his mother returning. “Kyle… it’s been three weeks. They said you guys were fine. That you got all your spoons and we could too,” Jorge responds. Kyle quickly tries to explain. The hallucinations. The flashlight. Why is it happening to him? The questions are spilling out of him. They can hear the door creaking open. His mother! My god! Jorge grabs him by the shirt and shakes him hard. “Help me, you imbecile. You are just protecting yourself with your memories of a safe place. Your youthful mannequin factory. Snap out of it and help me!” At that, Jorge slaps him and his eyes clear. He is shocked and disgusted to find he’s not in a cozy mannequin factory at all. He’s in a dusty basement and numerous rodents are crawling around his feet. When he looks up he sees his mother… but now she’s a giant rat with wings and it is super gross. That’s right! We are watching a film full of super gross rodents. No, it’s not a rewatch of Graveyard Shift (I wish). It’s G-Force where a bunch of guinea pigs are on a secret mission to take money from unsuspecting parents of kids who like talking animals. Gross. Let’s go!

G-Force (2009) – BMeTric: 61.6; Notability: 71

StreetCreditReport.com – BMeTric: top 6.8%; Notability: top 4.4%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 15.8%; Higher BMeT: Dragonball Evolution, Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li, Jonas Brothers: The 3D Concert Experience, Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakquel, The Twilight Saga: New Moon, Stan Helsing, S. Darko, The Unborn, Dance Flick, Halloween II, Year One, All About Steve, Did You Hear About the Morgans?, The Final Destination, Bitch Slap, Survival of the Dead, Obsessed; Higher Notability: Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen, 2012, Angels & Demons, G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra, X-Men Origins: Wolverine, Terminator Salvation, The Lovely Bones, Nine, Fast & Furious, Confessions of a Shopaholic, Land of the Lost; Lower RT: Labor Pains, Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li, Miss March, Old Dogs, All About Steve, Whiteout, Beyond a Reasonable Doubt, Echelon Conspiracy, Post Grad, My Life in Ruins, The Unborn, Bride Wars, Couples Retreat, Did You Hear About the Morgans?, The Pink Panther 2, The Stepfather, S. Darko, I Love You, Beth Cooper, The Ugly Truth, Year One, and 19 more; Notes: That Notability is insane. Is it because you have a whole cast of voice actors and regular actors? I am peronsonally 7/11 for the Notability ones and 8/17 on BMeTric, so still a ways to go on 2009.

RogerEbert.com – 2.5 stars – “G-Force” is a pleasant, inoffensive 3-D animated farce about a team of superspy guinea pigs who do battle with a mad billionaire who wants to conquer the earth by programming all the home appliances made by his corporation to follow his instructions. It will possibly be enjoyed by children of all ages.

(Children of all ages, huh? I disagree. It skews a bit young, especially the middle bit where it is just a bunch of CGI guinea pigs running around without a discernible plot.)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AD_fezWiaZ0/

(They put the sexy guinea pig in the trailer! What are we teaching our kids? The cast is stacked though. This trailer is also so long, what the hell?)

Directors – Hoyt Yeatman – ( BMT: G-Force; Notes: A very well established visual effects guy. Still does stuff, he’s the supervisor on the show Schmigadoon! for example. Won an Oscar for The Abyss, and was nominated for Mighty Joe Young.)

Writers – Cormac Wibberley and Marianne Wibberley – ( Known For: National Treasure; Charlie’s Angels: Full Throttle; The 6th Day; Motel Blue; Future BMT: Bad Boys II; National Treasure: Book of Secrets; The Shaggy Dog; BMT: I Spy; G-Force; Notes: Married, and they seem to have some relationship with Nic Cage maybe. Cormac’s father was a writer in his own right, including writing the novel The Mouse that Roared.)

Hoyt Yeatman – ( BMT: G-Force; Notes: He possibly has a second feature directing job lined up called Voyager 3D … but I’m skeptical.)

David P.I. James – ( BMT: G-Force; Notes: Also a visual effects guy, worked with Yeatman on at least Mission to Mars I think. He did effects on the BMT classic Ghosted.)

Actors – Will Arnett – ( Known For: Ratatouille; Despicable Me; The Lego Movie; Men in Black³; Ice Age: The Meltdown; Grindhouse; Blades of Glory; Monsters vs. Aliens; The Lego Batman Movie; Horton Hears a Who!; Minions: The Rise of Gru; The Lego Movie 2: The Second Part; Popstar: Never Stop Never Stopping; Wristcutters: A Love Story; Chip ‘n Dale: Rescue Rangers; The Rocker; Teen Titans GO! To the Movies; Next Goal Wins; Rumble; Series 7: The Contenders; Future BMT: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Out of the Shadows; Hot Rod; Semi-Pro; Monster-in-Law; RV; The Nut Job; Let’s Go to Prison; The Comebacks; The Brothers Solomon; The Nut Job 2: Nutty by Nature; BMT: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles; When in Rome; Jonah Hex; G-Force; Show Dogs; Notes: Nominated for 7 Emmys which I found kind of crazy because I couldn’t really think of what show he did that garnered that amount of love. It was once for Arrested Development, four times as a guest star on 30 Rock, and twice as the producer of Bojack Horseman. Kind of amazing he’s top billed.)

Penélope Cruz – ( Known For: Murder on the Orient Express; Blow; Vicky Cristina Barcelona; Volver; All About My Mother; To Rome with Love; Open Your Eyes; Pain and Glory; Broken Embraces; Ferrari; Everybody Knows; Bandidas; Parallel Mothers; Live Flesh; I’m So Excited!; Elegy; Loving Pablo; Twice Born; Head in the Clouds; Jamón, Jamón; Future BMT: Gothika; The Brothers Grimsby; The Counselor; Sahara; Nine; The 355; All the Pretty Horses; Woman on Top; BMT: Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides; Vanilla Sky; Sex and the City 2; Zoolander 2; G-Force; Captain Corelli’s Mandolin; Notes: Kind of insane she is listed first among the voice actors! Won an Oscar for Vicky Cristina Barcelona, and was nominated three other times including for the future BMT film Nine which is bizarre to think about.)

Zach Galifianakis – ( Known For: The Hangover; Birdman or (The Unexpected Virtue of Ignorance); Into the Wild; Up in the Air; Puss in Boots; The Lego Batman Movie; It’s Kind of a Funny Story; The Campaign; Dinner for Schmucks; The Muppets; Youth in Revolt; Heartbreakers; A Wrinkle in Time; Ron’s Gone Wrong; Muppets Most Wanted; Between Two Ferns: The Movie; Missing Link; Below; The Bob’s Burgers Movie; Justin Bieber’s Believe; Future BMT: The Hangover Part II; Due Date; The Hangover Part III; Masterminds; Bubble Boy; Tulip Fever; Corky Romano; BMT: What Happens in Vegas; Keeping Up with the Joneses; G-Force; Out Cold; Notes: His current career is kind of weird. Lots of voice acting at this point (including an upcoming Lilo & Stitch remake?). But then he does odd small comedies, and he’s playing himself (presumably as the penthouse resident) in the next season of Only Murders in the Building.)

Budget/Gross – $150,000,000 / Domestic: $119,436,770 (Worldwide: $292,817,898)

(See. I feel like the original budget for this was like $100 million and they would have been fine. A small profit, but still fine. $300 million worldwide and probably not making a ton is just not how children’s programming works I think.)

Rotten Tomatoes – 22% (28/128): G-Force features manic action, but fails to come up with interesting characters or an inspired plot.

(Yeah that sounds correct. The rating is actually lover that I expected. Something about this film screams 30s. But 22% is really really solid.)

Reviewer Highlight: Pointing out G-Force’s plot holes would be redundant; it’s more hole than plot, and more videogame commercial and exhausted-old-trope clearinghouse than film. – Tasha Robinson, AV Club

Poster – skloG-Force

(Why in the world are they in a desert? And why are there helicopters in the background? Are they… are they implying that these guinea pigs are somehow involved in a ground war in the Middle East? My word. D)

Tagline(s) – The world needs bigger heroes (A-)

(Ha! I don’t like the poster at all, but I like this tagline. It’s funny. So sue me.)

Keyword(s) – 2007-2015

BMT: Epic Movie (2007), Meet the Spartans (2008), Dragonball Evolution (2009), Jack and Jill (2011), Scary Movie V (2013), The Last Airbender (2010), Left Behind (2014), Fifty Shades of Grey (2015), The Love Guru (2008), In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale (2007), Fantastic Four (2015), Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance (2011), Norbit (2007), Movie 43 (2013), I Know Who Killed Me (2007), Prom Night (2008), Bratz (2007), The Legend of Hercules (2014), Dragon Wars: D-War (2007), One Missed Call (2008), Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li (2009), Skyline (2010), The Devil Inside (2012), Sex and the City 2 (2010), Aliens vs. Predator: Requiem (2007), Kirk Cameron’s Saving Christmas (2014), Ouija (2014), Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2 (2015), Furry Vengeance (2010), The Twilight Saga: New Moon (2009), After Earth (2013), Big Mommas: Like Father, Like Son (2011), The Gallows (2015), Jonah Hex (2010), Are We Done Yet? (2007), Bucky Larson: Born to Be a Star (2011), Getaway (2013), The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1 (2011), The Boy Next Door (2015), …

Best Options (Fist Fight): 75.0 Superhero Movie (2008), 69.6 College Road Trip (2008), 64.8 Sex Tape (2014), 63.5 Hot Tub Time Machine 2 (2015), 61.6 G-Force (2009), 59.4 First Sunday (2008), 55.1 Evan Almighty (2007), 54.4 The Counselor (2013), 52.3 How Do You Know (2010), 50.5 Cop Out (2010), 48.6 Lottery Ticket (2010), 43.9 Prom (2011), 42.8 12 Rounds (2009), 40.1 The Heartbreak Kid (2007), 37.9 Think Like a Man Too (2014), 37.1 Hall Pass (2011), 34.1 Taken 3 (2014), 30.4 Vacation (2015), 24.7 The Internship (2013), 24.7 The Change-Up (2011), 24.7 Horrible Bosses 2 (2014), 24.0 Before I Go to Sleep (2014), 23.2 Secret in Their Eyes (2015), 21.7 Let’s Be Cops (2014), 19.1 Life as We Know It (2010), 18.6 For Colored Girls (2010), 15.8 The Odd Life of Timothy Green (2012), 15.2 Men, Women & Children (2014), 14.8 Max (2015), 14.2 Death Sentence (2007), 13.6 When the Game Stands Tall (2014), 4.7 Little Boy (2015)

(Because it is really considered to be quite bad this is actually an impressive option. Spoiler: I’ve actually seen Sex Tape (a boring commercial for an iPad and Apple cloud storage) and Hot Tub Time Machine 2 (really unpleasant and unnecessary), so those were never in the cards. This gave the best through-line for the chain in the end.)

Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 13) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Nicolas Cage is No. 5 billed in G-Force and No. 1 billed in The Wicker Man, which also stars Leelee Sobieski (No. 6 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 1 billed) => (5 + 1) + (6 + 1) = 13. There is no shorter path at the moment.

Notes – Director Hoyt Yeatman’s son, Hoyt Yeatman IV, came up with the original idea for the film when he was five years old. Yeatman liked his son’s story so much that he brought it to producer Jerry Bruckheimer.

The “Coke” Ferris wheel shown in the movie is located on the island of Okinawa, Japan in a shopping and entertainment district called “American Village.”

This was Jerry Bruckheimer’s first 3-D film.

Nicolas Cage’s 2nd time voice acting in a theatrical film, after The Ant Bully (2006).

This is the second film that Nicolas Cage and Steve Buscemi made with Jerry Bruckheimer since Con Air (1997).