Canadian Bacon was a real staple of cable. It’s hard to even figure how many times I saw the movie… I’m sure it felt like a lot more than it actually was. That’s why I was so shocked when Patrick (to our dismay) revealed that it didn’t qualify for BMT. It never really got a substantial US release. It seems impossible. But it’s the truth. What is also the truth is that understanding what “qualified” means for 80’s and early 90’s films can be a fraught endeavor. Sometimes you have to stand back and look at a film and think “is this BMT?” Was Two Much not a BMT film? Was Swept Away, the worst film ever made, not BMT? We have previously answered in the negative to this, but I think we probably erred slightly. Those certainly don’t seem like “friends,” and neither does Canadian Bacon. Directed by Michael Moore, starring John Candy, and made for $11 million dollars. It played gangbusters on cable for a reason. That reason is that it’s probably BMT, so we’ll let this one slide… this time.
To recap, after being laid off from a recently closed weapons factory, Bud B. Boomer has used his family connections to become Sheriff of Niagara Falls. While he spends his time fishing the suicidal former factory workers from the falls with the help of his girlfriend(?) Honey, the President of the United States is trying to figure out how to get reelected. Turns out having extended peacetime has been no good for the military industrial complex and that’s no good for him. They need a war, and fast! When they catch Boomer and his friends brawling at a cross-border hockey game they get the bright idea to set up a false flag “Canadian” operation targeting the Niagara power plant. Boomer and his friends are incensed and plan a counter operation to drop garbage across the border. Unfortunately, Honey is caught. The President isn’t sweating it (in fact he’s loving it), that is until Boomer heads into Canada to rescue Honey and leaves a trail of petty crimes in his wake. They send special forces in to stop Boomer, but are surprised when it appears that Canada has taken control of US nukes and aimed them at Moscow. In reality the owner of the recently closed weapons factory is tired of this fake war and wants a real war. He has hacked into the weapons system and made it look like Canada is creating the war. Everyone is panicking. Even more so when the weapons maker is killed and the only other person in on the ruse is arrested. Meanwhile, Boomer and Honey come together at the CN Tower where the weapon is being housed. Honey sees that the machines are made by the company that laid them off and in a fit of rage destroys them just before all the nukes are launched. They save the day and the world. THE END.
Canadian Bacon is a more ramshackle production than I remember. Definitely feels like a film made by a documentarian. That being said, John Candy is very good in it (as are some of the actors doing cameos) and there are some very funny scenes in the first ⅔ of the film. It’s incredibly prescient, as well, which speaks to Moore’s understanding of the political environment of the time. You almost would think he made the film in the early 2000’s given some of the subject matter. Ultimately, they couldn’t quite land the plane, though. They seemed to really want a Dr. Strangelove moment at the end, but it doesn’t work. Feels like an 80’s comedy by the time it finishes. I can see why I liked it as a kid, though… similar to Strange Brew. Not everything hits, but when it does it’s very funny.
Hot Take Clam Bake! Of all the things mentioned in the epilogue the one I buy the least is Oliver North becoming President in the next election… particularly in the alleged landslide indicated. Ollie North? Landslide? I don’t think so. He was super controversial at the time. He lost a close Senate election in 1994 almost entirely because an Independent candidate tried to jump in to play to the center of him. Now if you told me he got a surprise nomination and ultimately squeaked out a victory against a weak incumbent… sure. But a landslide? The Iran-Contra guy? I don’t buy it. I’d buy Boomer’s friend becoming an NHL legend before I bought that. Hot Take Temperature: Hellfire.
Patrick?
Patrick
‘Ello everyone! What are we talking about? Are we talking about John Candy invading Canada and Michael Moore almost torpedoing his documentary career? Let’s go!
Ah Canadian Bacon. We are really on a role with films we’ve seen before. And in a way I’m reminding myself of all the things we’ve been missing from the classic BMTs of yesteryear.
Remember like … Dutch angles? There was a whole thing with that in the first year of BMT. We couldn’t watch a thriller without seeing loads of Dutch angles! It was a wild time.
There is just something charming about the three prior movies. TMNT II and III are really a nonsensical smorgasbord of films designed solely to sell toys to me and Jamie. Eddie is an odd type of comedy fashioned out of how a few people thought basketball worked (possibly without having watched basketball in their lives). And The Animal was that early 2000s borderline gross-out comedy where getting the 6th place person on a reality show was considered a boon. All of them are truly and profoundly bizarre historical relics.
Canadian Bacon is that film you watched on television where you’d never have ever considered seeing it, but then it is just on all the time for free. It isn’t really funny, but it has a bunch of funny people in it, and you eventually go “oh Kevin Pollack! From Willow” and maybe you’d remember he was also in Canadian Bacon.
But really you’d never remember he was in Canadian Bacon. The film is very charming. It is really just very very poorly made. Everything you think of when you think of how a movie is stitched together (like B-roll footage, and a narrative structure) is totally missing and replaced by something a college student could put together. Meanwhile John Candy is still killing it, and the story has a mostly interesting satire underlying it.
This was, somehow, the follow-up to Roger & Me and legitimately seemed to almost destroy Michael Moore’s career. Also it didn’t actually qualify, but who cares, it is a wide release in our hearts.
What else … Rhea Perlman is over the top, but fun. And honestly Alan Alda is hilarious as the nincompoop president. Really the acting is top notch, the comedy hits on occasion, but it is all let down by everything being encased within a non-film.
I do think Roy Boy is a Planchet (Who?), his character’s function is just to screw up and get dunked on. Obviously must give a Product Placement (What?) shoutout to Molson and all the other awesomely Canadian things, like Ontario, the sportsman’s paradise. Let’s get that A+ Setting (Where?) for Canada, but in reality, this is a fantastic Niagara Falls film. And this I think is closest to BMT, it is a very very weird film and somehow manages to escape its non-qualification to become a big film.
Read about my Canadian Bacon sequel in the Quiz. Cheerios,
Oh man, so get this. I got all jazzed up about going to war against Canada. But then when I got there and starting littering this Mounties came over and were all like “Soooooory”. Needless to say I now have a concussion and can’t remember a thing. Do you remember what happened in Canadian Bacon?
Questions
1) In the beginning of the film our … uh heroes, are hoping to fish suicides out of the Falls in Niagara Falls, NY. How much do they get for a body and how much for saving someone?
2) Meanwhile, the President is in real trouble. His poll numbers are dropping and he doesn’t know what to do. Why are his poll numbers dropping?
3) What is the initial plan to turn the American people against Canada? How is it foiled?
4) Honey is caught littering just over the border and is taken to Ottawa. Why does Honey go to Toronto after escaping?
5) What does the Hacker Hellstorm do? What did the Canadians think it did? How is it disabled?
Bonus Question: In a surprise announcement a sequel starring Kevin Pollack as the new President of the United States was announced recently. What was his main platform issue he ran on?
And it’s a fight they wouldn’t have. Together they stand up and reach out their collective hand. “Good show. Very funny,” Jamie and Patrick say through gritted teeth. Kevin James’ features melt and suddenly he’s smiling. They continue on with some banal small talk until KJ (as they have come to call him) bids them goodbye. Before he leaves the Kansas honkytonk he turns to his crowd of admirers and tells them, “the Move Twins are OK in my book.” Soon everyone is patting them on the back and telling them how much they admire the Rich and Poe films, books, comic books, songs, children’s cartoon series, toy lines, clothing, low cal beverages, high cal beverages, cowboy boots, cowboy hats, other hats, Japanese baseball team, and (now defunct) airline. A slow clap is heard from the back of the bar. Drake and Charlie come out from the shadows. Their faces are aglow after secretly witnessing how adeptly Jamie and Patrick were able to circumnavigate Step 1 in the Dudikoff Method for Recovery: Acceptance. “You accepted responsibility for all the terrible things you said about Kevin James in your past addiction,” they explain, “and then congratulated him on dishing it out HARD.” They then go into great detail about all the hilarious ways KJ made them look like total buffoons. “It’s always the most funny when there’s a kernel of truth to the joke,” Drake finishes, which seems a bit unnecessary. But Jamie and Patrick are just glad to be past Step 1. “So what’s next?” they ask. Drake and Charlie become very serious. “Having Kevin James totally own you is a great step. But Kevin James isn’t the only one you hurt,” Drake says solemnly. “What do you guys think of Canada?” Charlie asks, with a glimmer in his eye. That’s right! We are watching Canadian Bacon. Eagle brained readers might be like “But does Canadian Bacon qualify by your unnecessarily strict rules?” and I would say “shut your mouth (but also no (but also, come on it’s Canadian Bacon)).” Rulez are Coolz, of course, but sometimes you gotta throw caution to the wind and risk it for the most Canadian film of all time for our Canada cycle, eh? Let’s go!
Canadian Bacon (1995) – BMeTric: 30.6; Notability: 51
StreetCreditReport.com –BMeTric: top 15.2%; Notability: top 6.8%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 6.9%; Higher BMeT: Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Next Generation, Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers, Lawnmower Man 2: Beyond Cyberspace, Vampire in Brooklyn, Fair Game, Showgirls, Jury Duty, Batman Forever, Mighty Morphin Power Rangers, Congo, Theodore Rex, The Babysitter, Under Siege 2: Dark Territory, A Kid in King Arthur’s Court, Candyman: Farewell to the Flesh, Judge Dredd, Nine Months, The Scarlet Letter, Johnny Mnemonic, Virtuosity, and 18 more; Higher Notability: Batman Forever, Congo, Judge Dredd, Cutthroat Island, Under Siege 2: Dark Territory, Virtuosity, Showgirls, Mighty Morphin Power Rangers, Four Rooms, Money Train, Assassins, Steal Big Steal Little, Panther, Jefferson in Paris, Hackers, Jade, Things to Do in Denver When You’re Dead; Lower RT: The Big Green, National Lampoon’s Senior Trip, Jury Duty, Theodore Rex, Delta of Venus, Top Dog, Born to Be Wild, The Walking Dead, A Kid in King Arthur’s Court, The Hunted, It Takes Two, Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers, Bushwhacked, Lawnmower Man 2: Beyond Cyberspace, Dracula: Dead and Loving It, Fair Game; Notes: Played 68 times on television, on Showtime (37 times), TMC (23 times), and USA (8 times). Played 7 times around primetime, although only once at 8PM, on September 20, 1996, which naturally was its television debut, where it went up against Bushwacked starring Daniel Stern on Cinemax. And yeah, it’s release date was September 22, 1995, so it debuted on television almost precisely one year after. That is an insane Notability for a film barely released to theaters, but it does have an insane number of cameos.
Leonard Maltin – 2.5 stars – In order to gain a strong platform for re-election, the president of the United States does the unthinkable and declares war on our neighbor to the north, Canada. Moore stumbles with his second film after the terrific Roger & Me. A top cast is wasted in this one-joke premise which lacks the satiric edge it needs.
(Yup, that sounds about right. But still … 2.5 for that review seems generous no? That feels like a 1.5 or even 2 star review somehow. Strange.)
(I watched this film so many times when I was a kid. The trailer does a good job at hiding some of the best jokes. It is weird. It is a pretty funny film. It just flags a bit in the third act. Kind of crazy that it basically didn’t get released to theaters.)
Directors – Michael Moore – ( BMT: Canadian Bacon; Notes: Well you know Michael Moore. This is an odd duck. He was apparently inspired by George H. W. Bush’s poll numbers during the Persian Gulf War. It was shot in ‘93 but only got a very limited release (by Madonna’s company) in 1995.)
Writers – Michael Moore – ( BMT: Canadian Bacon; Notes: His only writing credit on a narrative film naturally. He does have a bunch of writing credits for his documentaries. He won an Oscar for Bowling for Columbine.)
Actors – John Candy – ( Known For: National Lampoon’s Vacation; Uncle Buck; JFK; Home Alone; The Blues Brothers; Spaceballs; Little Shop of Horrors; Splash; Stripes; The Great Outdoors; 1941; Cool Runnings; Planes, Trains & Automobiles; Heavy Metal; The Rescuers Down Under; Volunteers; She’s Having a Baby; Follow That Bird; Only the Lonely; The Silent Partner; Future BMT: Rookie of the Year; Career Opportunities; Summer Rental; Armed and Dangerous; Brewster’s Millions; Who’s Harry Crumb?; Once Upon a Crime…; Speed Zone; Delirious; BMT: Nothing But Trouble; Canadian Bacon; Wagons East; Hot to Trot; Notes: This was his last film. Not the last he filmed (that was Wagons East), but it was the last released since it took so long to come to theaters. Nominated for 9 Emmys for SCTV where he won twice.)
Alan Alda – ( Known For: Bridge of Spies; The Aviator; Marriage Story; What Women Want; Wanderlust; Everyone Says I Love You; Tower Heist; The Object of My Affection; Crimes and Misdemeanors; Nothing But the Truth; Same Time, Next Year; Manhattan Murder Mystery; Flirting with Disaster; The Four Seasons; The Mephisto Waltz; California Suite; Flash of Genius; Betsy’s Wedding; Sweet Liberty; Resurrecting the Champ; Future BMT: The Longest Ride; Murder at 1600; Mad City; Whispers in the Dark; A New Life; BMT: Canadian Bacon; Notes: You would obviously know him from M*A*S*H. Nominated for an Oscar for The Aviator, and nominated for 29 Emmys … he won 6 times, mostly for M*A*S*H, but also for The West Wing)
Rhea Perlman – ( Known For: Barbie; Matilda; Sing; You People; The Sessions; 13: The Musical; 10 Items or Less; Lemon; I’ll See You in My Dreams; My Little Pony: The Movie; Movie Madness; The Trouble with Bliss; Marvelous and the Black Hole; Ted & Venus; Funny Face; There Goes the Neighborhood; Swap Meet; Love Child; Enid Is Sleeping; Love Comes Lately; Future BMT: We’re Back! A Dinosaur’s Story; Class Act; Carpool; Poms; Sunset Park; BMT: Canadian Bacon; Notes: And you’d obviously know her from Cheers. She was nominated 10 times for her role in that (including 8 times in a row from 1983 to 1991) and won 4 times.)
(Yeah so … you might ask yourself how this film qualifies for BMT. It is best not to think about it. It was released to less than 100 theaters and was in theaters for like a week.)
(The reviews mostly are in the vein of: Moore mis-uses the cast for a shallow mis-fire of a political satire. I mostly just agree that it is a waste of a cast, but the film is more fun that you would think, especially in the first 45 minutes.)
NYT Short Review – Tickles the funny bone, but loses its way.
(Crazy that this was actually the poster. Pretty great. A.)
Tagline(s) – Help America fight the Canadians (I… for I Don’t Know if This is a Tagline)
(I don’t know if I’d call this the tagline… the poster is spoofing propaganda posters, so it has to have words on it. But words a tagline does not make… that’s something I learned long ago.)
Keyword(s) – canada
Top 10: The Matrix Revolutions (2003), X-Men Origins: Wolverine (2009), Venom (2018), The Butterfly Effect (2004), Armageddon (1998), In Time (2011), Transformers: Dark of the Moon (2011), Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen (2009), 2012 (2009), Home Alone 2: Lost in New York (1992)
Future BMT: 90.3 Vampires Suck (2010), 89.9 House of the Dead (2003), 88.6 Dumb and Dumberer: When Harry Met Lloyd (2003), 84.1 Prom Night (2008), 79.6 Shark Night (2011), 78.9 Daddy Day Camp (2007), 77.2 Superhero Movie (2008), 74.9 Look Who’s Talking Too (1990), 74.0 The Spirit (2008), 73.9 The Next Karate Kid (1994), 73.1 The Turning (2020), 72.5 Mr. Magoo (1997), 71.8 Dance Flick (2009), 71.7 Zoom (2006), 69.4 College Road Trip (2008), 68.9 Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen (2004), 68.8 The Santa Clause 3: The Escape Clause (2006), 68.6 Captivity (2007), 68.3 Yogi Bear (2010), 67.3 The Crow: City of Angels (1996)
BMT: Battlefield Earth (2000), Catwoman (2004), Dragonball Evolution (2009), Batman & Robin (1997), The Emoji Movie (2017), The Wicker Man (2006), The Cat in the Hat (2003), Superman IV: The Quest for Peace (1987), The Love Guru (2008), Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2 (2004), Crossroads (2002), Halloween: Resurrection (2002), Movie 43 (2013), Barb Wire (1996), RoboCop 3 (1993), Highlander II: The Quickening (1991), Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li (2009), Jason X (2001), Aliens vs. Predator: Requiem (2007), Little Man (2006), Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2 (2015), The Twilight Saga: New Moon (2009), Freddy Got Fingered (2001), After Earth (2013), The Bye Bye Man (2017), Caddyshack II (1988), Big Mommas: Like Father, Like Son (2011), Jonah Hex (2010), Species II (1998), The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1 (2011), Highlander: The Final Dimension (1994), Halloween II (2009), Year One (2009), It’s Pat: The Movie (1994), Big Momma’s House 2 (2006), Silent Hill: Revelation (2012), My Boss’s Daughter (2003), Ghosts of Mars (2001), Fantasy Island (2020), Tammy (2014), Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III (1993), Superman III (1983), … (and many more)
Best Options (Comedy): 90.3 Vampires Suck (2010), 88.6 Dumb and Dumberer: When Harry Met Lloyd (2003), 78.9 Daddy Day Camp (2007), 77.2 Superhero Movie (2008), 74.9 Look Who’s Talking Too (1990), 72.5 Mr. Magoo (1997), 71.8 Dance Flick (2009), 71.7 Zoom (2006), 69.4 College Road Trip (2008), 68.9 Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen (2004), 68.8 The Santa Clause 3: The Escape Clause (2006), 68.3 Yogi Bear (2010), 67.0 The Flintstones (1994), 66.2 In the Mix (2005), 65.0 Scary Movie 4 (2006), 64.9 An American Carol (2008), 64.5 The Comebacks (2007), 62.1 Cursed (2005), 61.5 Scooby-Doo (2002), 61.3 Deck the Halls (2006), 60.2 Holy Man (1998), 59.9 Jury Duty (1995), 59.7 Hoodwinked 2: Hood vs. Evil (2011), 59.6 Agent Cody Banks (2003), 59.4 Scooby-Doo 2: Monsters Unleashed (2004), 58.7 Scary Movie 2 (2001), 55.2 The Stupids (1996), 54.7 Snow Dogs (2002), 54.6 The Smurfs 2 (2013), 54.4 The Wild (2006), 53.9 Annie (2014), 53.9 Spy Hard (1996), 53.3 Made in America (1993), 53.2 Aloha (2015), … (and many more)
(There were a lot of options, but we really really really wasn’t to get a John Candy in here, and this seemed like a fun option.)
Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 17) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: John Candy is No. 1 billed in Canadian Bacon and No. 2 billed in Hot to Trot, which also stars Virginia Madsen (No. 4 billed) who is in Firewall (No. 3 billed) which also stars Harrison Ford (No. 1 billed) who is in Hollywood Homicide (No. 1 billed) which also stars Josh Hartnett (No. 2 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 3 billed) => (1 + 2) + (4 + 3) + (1 + 1) + (2 + 3) = 17. If we were to watch Murder at 1600, and The Glass House we can get the HoE Number down to 13.
Notes – Final theatrical feature film of actor, comedian, and movie star John Candy, although filming had wrapped on this film before Wagons East (1994), which was released a year earlier.
John Candy, who was born and raised in Canada, plays Sheriff Bud Boomer, who is not only American, but is rabidly anti-Canada.
Alan Alda’s character is never given a name, and is both referred to and credited only as the President of the United States.
The final note in the credits, “To Johnny LaRue – thanks to you, we got our crane shot”, is a reference to one of John Candy’s recurring characters on SCTV Channel (1983) .
Michael Moore was turned down by 47 different film companies before Madonna’s Maverick Productions picked up the option.
The Animal has a long and storied history in me and Patrick’s bad movie journey. Sure we watched the film when it came out. How couldn’t we? It starred America’s sweetheart Rob Schneider and Survivor-contestant-turned-actress-turned-not-an-actress Colleen Haskell. Survivor was HUGE. I can’t recall if we saw it in theaters (probably not), but we certainly rented it. Then years later when we first went our separate ways post-college we decided to start what is essentially the Chain Reaction category between each other. From our distant locales we would give each other a movie to watch using an actor or actress from the movie we had just watched. At one point I punted Pearl Harbor over to Patrick and I remember him saying “Don’t do this. Let’s not make each other watch movies we don’t want to watch.” But I disagreed and Pearl Harbor was his. As punishment Patrick gave me The Animal (probably through Guy Torry) and the venture quickly fizzled out. So this is at least my third time watching the film. Cool cool cool.
To recap, Rob Schneider is the opposite of an animal. He is a weakling with asthma who has his heart set on joining the police but can’t get past the obstacle course portion of the entrance exam. After his latest failure he is humiliated by being forced to mind the police station while all the real police officers go off to play softball. While they are away a call comes in and Schneider can’t help but respond. On his way, though, he crashes his car off a cliff and is horrifically mangled. We see him taken by some Dr. Frankenstein style doctor who puts him back together. He has no memory of the event, but finds that he was missing for weeks and now has the speed, strength, smell, swimming etc. of animals. He is quickly put onto the police force when he sniffs out some heroin at the airport, and then further excels when he saves the Mayor’s son from drowning. He even gets a date with his local celebrity crush, Rianna. This is all despite the fact that his behavior gets increasingly bizarre and there are multiple attacks reported around town that seem to be a result of his tendency to enter an animalistic like fugue state. The doctor that fixed him eventually explains what has happened and tries to help him curb his appetites, but it doesn’t work and he is forced to escape into the woods. A mob assembles to track him down, but before they do he finds that in fact Rianna is also an “Animal” and is behind the attacks. The mob arrives and is dead set on killing him until his black friend, Miles, takes the blame. The mob then feels uncomfortable with the whole idea and calls it off. Rob and Rianna smooch and have a litter of babies. THE END.
There is something about a real dumbo comedy that you can’t get anywhere else. It has one purpose: it is trying to make you laugh. Every second of this film is trying to make you laugh. There is almost no sentimentality, because why would there be? There is something admirable about that. I wouldn’t say I laughed a whole lot at the hundred jokes they threw at me, but there were a hundred of them and so of course I laughed. I liked that. I does feel like we lost something by not having the option to watch The Animal in theaters laughing along with a bunch of similarly-minded idiots. This is definitely a streaming movie now and no one would ever think about it ever again. But The Animal persists. Cons: stupid, acting is terrible, plot twist at the end doesn’t make any sense. Pros: laughing feels good.
Hot Take Clam Bake! I mean… Rob Schneider was dead the whole time? That seems almost too obvious. He crashed his car off a cliff and then had a boulder roll on top of him. He is dead and in his final moments imagines how it would be that he would not only survive but become everything he hoped and dreamed he could be. He’s a super cop! He gets the girl he saw on TV! He doesn’t get murdered by a mob! By the time he’s imagining his TV crush is also an Animal and is having a litter of offspring with him you know his brain is entirely on the fritz and death is mere moments away. Hot Take Temperature: Survivor Season 1 Level Hot.
Patrick?
Patrick
‘Ello everyone! What are we talking about? Are we talking about Rob Schneider with a boatload of animals all up in him? Let’s go!
Ah, one of those movies I’ve seen too many times for the weirdest reasons possible. Surely it was just on all the time on television. Well … maybe, but that isn’t why I watched it. I watched it once in theaters, once in a summer chain reaction challenge thing Jamie and I did, and then once on a lark. This is the fourth time I’ve seen The Animal for no real discernable reason.
If I were to pick a single Rob Schneider film as an example of his comedy I think this would be it. His character is a mostly sweet but hapless weirdo, and a strange thing happens to him that makes him the hero in the end. It isn’t funny, but it also manages to not be too terribly offensive which is a rarity for Happy Madison productions of the era.
Colleen Haskell isn’t a good actor, but she’s better than I would expect I think.
It isn’t surprising that she left the experience with a bad taste in her mouth. Of all the things that “age poorly” in the film the worst is probably just how they shoot her. Often in skimpy clothing and specifically as the romantic interest. She has very little to do in the film otherwise. It is understandable, but an unfortunate thing to subject a normal person to.
There are some laugh out loud moments … or maybe like exhale strongly. The entire storyline about Guy Torry’s various attempts to get people to acknowledge his race. McGinley cranking it up to 11 as usual. Ed Asner has a lot of Rip Torn energy in this one which works. And finally the triple head fake at the end I think is genuinely a very funny joke, where they seem to reveal the other Animal three times before finally revealing the twist that Haskell is the other animal.
And of course I would be remiss if I didn’t mention Norm’s short but pretty delightful cameo as … himself I suppose.
I have to repeat: this film isn’t funny. But it also isn’t unpleasant. And Happy Madison was about to go top speed into unpleasantville with a few of Schneider’s follow ups and eventually culminating in Bucky Larson: Born to Be a Star.
For a Sandler-adjacent film this had a surprisingly small Product Placement (What?) in Slim Jim, which Schneider had to slam in order to curb his animal cravings. Fictional Setting as a Character (Where?) for Elkerton, California. And a Worst Twist for the reveal that Colleen Haskell is an aminal as well.
Read about my Animal sequel in the Quiz. Cheerios,
Oh man, so get this! I was driving along a mountain road minding my own business, when all of a sudden I drove off the edge and got all smashed up! Now I have animal parts in me and a concussion to boot. I can’t remember a thing. Do you remember what happened in The Animal?
Pop Quiz Hot Shot!
1) Rob Schneider really really wants to be a police officer. What is the one thing he needs to do to be a real deal cop?
2) Aw shucks, that’s too bad. Well, while everyone else is at the company softball game, he’s gets to play cop and respond to a robbery call. But instead he gets into a massive accident. Why does he get into the accident?
3) Around this time he also meets his lady love. She’s kind of a big deal, a local celeb of sorts. What made her so famous?
4) In the end he does become a cop (hooray!). What does he do which gets him elevated to this position?
5) And prior to revealing that his lady love is in fact a Femanimal, who are the three people they head-fake out of people the Animal? And why is she ultimately let free for them to both me Manimals together?
Bonus Question: It’s twenty years in the making! We are revisiting The Animal (finally!). What is the whole fam up to?
Jamie and Patrick lay on their deathbeds. The whole Hartford Whalers family surrounds them with tears streaming down their faces. Even the mascot weeps so loudly that you can hear it through his oversized Headless Kevin James costume. It was a joyous ride being the owners of what was now known as the most successful sports franchise in history. Kyle was at first derided as a buffoon with no coaching experience, but soon the players came to understand the secret ingredient to winning: Love. The love Kyle had for his players took them from bottom of the barrel to top of the league in their very first season and from there they won 33 of the last 50 Stanley Cups. And yet… when they should feel most at peace, both Jamie and Patrick couldn’t help but think back on the moment when they kicked Kevin James’ head clean off. Was it right? Was it true? Maybe Kevin James was a secret serial killer so it was OK that they kicked his head clean off. But it wasn’t the case. Kevin James was not a secret serial killer. He wasn’t even a secret serial killer who only killed serial killers. No, Kevin James was just a successful actor that people liked to watch. And they were just the two guys who kicked his head clean off and rode that to the greatest success mankind had ever witnessed. They look at each other and whisper what only they can understand, “We shouldn’t have kicked Kevin James’ head clean off.” With that they die.
Jamie and Patrick wake up from their daydream to find themselves face-to-face with Kevin James, now finished with his satirical comedy act. They tense, their animal instincts gearing up for the fight that they no longer wanted to have. That’s right! Speaking of animal instincts we are jumping like glorious leopards onto the easy prey that is The Animal starring Rob Schneider. I can’t remember if we saw this in theaters, but it’s possible given that I’ve seen the film more than a few times. It serves a nice transition from the Choice Awards cycle (Teen Choice Award nominees for Choice Wipeout) to the Sooooory Cycle starring all our favorite Canadian actors. In this case, Norm MacDonald shows up in a small part. Let’s go!
The Animal (2001) – BMeTric: 71.4; Notability: 52
StreetCreditReport.com –BMeTric: top 1.6%; Notability: top 8.4%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 28.6%; Higher BMeT: Glitter, Jason X, Freddy Got Fingered, Driven; Higher Notability: Pearl Harbor, Lara Croft: Tomb Raider, Monkeybone, Hannibal, Impostor, Not Another Teen Movie, Ghosts of Mars, Swordfish, Bubble Boy, Scary Movie 2, 15 Minutes, The One, The Affair of the Necklace, Town & Country, I Am Sam, 3000 Miles to Graceland, America’s Sweethearts, Along Came a Spider, Texas Rangers, Don’t Say a Word, and 1 more; Lower RT: Texas Rangers, Soul Survivors, Glitter, All the Queen’s Men, Corky Romano, The Forsaken, Summer Catch, The Wash, Out Cold, Say It Isn’t So, Joe Dirt, Megiddo: The Omega Code 2, What’s the Worst That Could Happen?, Head Over Heels, Freddy Got Fingered, Crocodile Dundee in Los Angeles, Perfume, The Musketeer, Valentine, Double Take, and 48 more; Notes: Let’s see. We’ve seen all the higher BMeTs, and 10 of the top 20 lowest Rotten Tomatoes. Doing pretty well on 2001 it would seem.
Leonard Maltin – BOMB – A pathetic nobody awakens after a car accident to find that his body organs have been replaced by those of animals (a dog, a dolphin, a horse, etc.). Filled to the brim with bathroom humor, offensive dialogue, gratuitous nudity … everything by genuine comedy. Schneider cowrote; Sandals co-executive produced.
(Shocker there is no mention of Colleen Haskell. That is by far the most notable thing about this film. Anyways, love the BOMB, they are so rare.)
(They ruin a decent gag right at the start with the garage door wall. Having seen this movie a bunch of times, a ton of that trailer isn’t in the movie. Him coming out of the dog house for example. Also … is it being from the producers of Deuce Bigelow supposed to entice me to watch this film?)
Directors – Luke Greenfield – ( Known For: The Girl Next Door; Future BMT: Let’s Be Cops; Half Brothers; BMT: The Animal; Something Borrowed; Notes: The fact that Half Brothers qualifies is a bit nuts to be honest, I have never heard of it at all. He has two upcoming projects but his last major film was Let’s Be Cops which I’m pretty sure was a financial nothing film.)
Writers – Tom Brady – ( Future BMT: The Hot Chick; BMT: The Animal; Notes: Went to Harvard, claims to have discovered Rachel McAdams, and doesn’t have much in the pipeline except a TV show that is maybe coming out next year.)
Rob Schneider – ( Future BMT: The Hot Chick; BMT: Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo; The Animal; Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo; Notes: Much like Sandler seemed to get writing credits on the films he was involved in in the early 2000s. He was of the SNL class that was derided (and fired), but then ended up being considered the best class they had in the 90s.)
Actors – Rob Schneider – ( Known For: 50 First Dates; The Wrong Missy; Home Team; Hubie Halloween; Daddy Daughter Trip; Big Stan; Sandy Wexler; American Virgin; Muppets from Space; You May Not Kiss the Bride; InAPPropriate Comedy; The Reef; Wild Cherry; The Adventures of Panda Warrior; Susan’s Plan; Outback; The Reef 2: High Tide; Wings; Frog Kingdom; Martians Go Home; Future BMT: Click; Big Daddy; The Hot Chick; The Longest Yard; The Waterboy; Mr. Deeds; You Don’t Mess with the Zohan; Grandma’s Boy; Home Alone 2: Lost in New York; Bedtime Stories; Down Periscope; Surf Ninjas; Necessary Roughness; Norm of the North; Eight Crazy Nights; The Adventures of Pinocchio; BMT: Grown Ups; Demolition Man; The Benchwarmers; I Now Pronounce You Chuck & Larry; Judge Dredd; Little Nicky; Little Man; Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo; The Beverly Hillbillies; The Ridiculous 6; Around the World in 80 Days; The Animal; Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo; Knock Off; Notes: He’s a bit of a crank. Heavily anti-vaccine, although that’s been going on for a long time. I can’t tell, but the trailer for Daddy Daughter Trip is harrowing … is it makeup, or does he just look that way now? I have no idea.)
Colleen Haskell – ( BMT: The Animal; Notes: She was 6th in Survivor Season 1, and this is her one and only attempt at acting. Apparently she didn’t like the experience. Five people have wiki pages from season 1, of which she is one.)
John C. McGinley – ( Known For: Se7en; Office Space; Point Break; The Rock; Platoon; Identity; Any Given Sunday; Born on the Fourth of July; Wall Street; 42; The Belko Experiment; World Trade Center; Battle of the Sexes; Fat Man and Little Boy; Set It Off; Get a Job; Nixon; A Midnight Clear; Talk Radio; Mother; Future BMT: Nothing to Lose; Three to Tango; Born to Be Wild; Stealing Harvard; Hear No Evil; BMT: Wild Hogs; The Animal; Summer Catch; Get Carter; Surviving the Game; Alex Cross; On Deadly Ground; Highlander II: The Quickening; Wagons East; Are We Done Yet?; Car 54, Where Are You?; Notes: Hell yeah. He’s a BMT All Star. This is the 11th of his films we’ve done, five. That’s easy peasy. Let’s get on it.)
(Probably made its money back to some degree … but not by much and it depends on what they got internationally. No wonder The Animal 2 wasn’t even in the cards, even without Haskell.)
Rotten Tomatoes – 30% (25/84): While less offensive and more charming than recent gross-humored comedies, The Animal is still rather mediocre.
(Wow, that is a far more mild review than I would have expected. Huh. It is vaguely funny, and at least has a unique viewpoint I suppose. And looking at the New York Times review I suppose I get it.)
NYT Short Review: The goofy new Rob Schneider comedy isn’t the gross-out farce that its title suggests. … Mr. Schneider brings an endearing innocence to a role that others would have played with a nasty leer.
(I like some of the bold colors on this, but this is really a classic example of a common poster type in the 2000’s. I’ll call it the Knocked Up. In the Knocked Up they make the not traditionally handsome comedic leading man look slightly stupid and then are basically like “yeah… we really made this guy our leading actor… isn’t that hilarious?”… Knocked Up is the one that really stuck in my mind, but in reality pretty much every Rob Schneider vehicle has this exact poster. C.)
Tagline(s) – He wasn’t much of a man… Now he’s not much of an animal. (C+)
(I understand the first part, I’m not sure I understand the second part very well. But it sounds and feels like a tagline. Just not a particularly great one.)
Keyword(s) – wisdom
Top 10: The Dark Knight (2008), Inception (2010), Forrest Gump (1994), The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring (2001), The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King (2003), The Dark Knight Rises (2012), The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers (2002), Batman Begins (2005), Inglourious Basterds (2009), The Silence of the Lambs (1991)
Future BMT: 88.6 Dumb and Dumberer: When Harry Met Lloyd (2003), 84.0 Prom Night (2008), 83.7 Spy Kids 4: All the Time in the World (2011), 82.2 You Got Served (2004), 80.0 Jonas Brothers: The 3D Concert Experience (2009), 79.6 Nutty Professor II: The Klumps (2000), 78.9 Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked (2011), 77.6 Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakquel (2009), 77.2 Superhero Movie (2008), 72.3 Bewitched (2005), 69.4 College Road Trip (2008), 68.9 Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen (2004), 68.5 Poltergeist (2015), 68.2 Yogi Bear (2010), 65.7 Halloween Ends (2022), 65.7 The Haunting of Molly Hartley (2008), 65.3 Fat Albert (2004), 65.0 Scary Movie 4 (2006), 64.7 The Grudge 2 (2006), 64.5 Darkness Falls (2003)
BMT: Batman & Robin (1997), The Emoji Movie (2017), The Last Airbender (2010), Fifty Shades of Grey (2015), The Cat in the Hat (2003), Crossroads (2002), Norbit (2007), Fantastic Four (2015), From Justin to Kelly (2003), The Master of Disguise (2002), Book of Shadows: Blair Witch 2 (2000), Sex and the City 2 (2010), Space Jam: A New Legacy (2021), xXx: State of the Union (2005), Aliens vs. Predator: Requiem (2007), Fifty Shades Freed (2018), Little Man (2006), Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2 (2015), Taxi (2004), The Twilight Saga: New Moon (2009), Freddy Got Fingered (2001), I Still Know What You Did Last Summer (1998), Zoolander 2 (2016), Kangaroo Jack (2003), Are We Done Yet? (2007), Police Academy 5: Assignment: Miami Beach (1988), The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1 (2011), The Boy Next Door (2015), Wild Wild West (1999), The Animal (2001), Urban Legends: Final Cut (2000), Year One (2009), Are We There Yet? (2005), Marmaduke (2010), Big Momma’s House 2 (2006), The Roommate (2011), Tammy (2014), Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III (1993), … (and many more)
Best Options (canada): 88.6 Dumb and Dumberer: When Harry Met Lloyd (2003), 84.0 Prom Night (2008), 77.2 Superhero Movie (2008), 71.4 The Animal (2001), 69.4 College Road Trip (2008), 68.9 Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen (2004), 68.2 Yogi Bear (2010), 65.7 The Haunting of Molly Hartley (2008), 65.0 Scary Movie 4 (2006), 63.6 Valentine (2001), 61.5 Scooby-Doo (2002), 58.7 Scary Movie 2 (2001), 54.6 The Smurfs 2 (2013), 53.9 Annie (2014), 53.1 Aloha (2015), 52.1 Loser (2000), 51.7 View from the Top (2003), 51.5 Scary Movie 3 (2003), 50.8 Saw 3D (2010), 50.8 Racing Stripes (2005), 49.4 Monster-in-Law (2005), 48.5 White Noise (2005), 48.2 You Don’t Mess with the Zohan (2008), 47.8 Dumb and Dumber To (2014), 47.0 On the Line (2001), 46.7 You, Me and Dupree (2006), 46.5 40 Days and 40 Nights (2002), 43.8 Not Another Teen Movie (2001), 43.8 The Stepfather (2009), 43.6 Chicken Little (2005), 43.3 John Tucker Must Die (2006), 40.9 Resident Evil: Afterlife (2010), 40.6 The Mortal Instruments: City of Bones (2013), 39.8 Semi-Pro (2008), 37.8 Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen (2009), 36.9 The Amityville Horror (2005), 36.6 Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Out of the Shadows (2016), 36.2 The Incredible Burt Wonderstone (2013), 35.4 Rugrats Go Wild (2003), 33.2 The Last Song (2010), 27.9 Transformers: Dark of the Moon (2011), 27.7 Dracula Untold (2014), 27.0 Taking Lives (2004), 25.7 Idle Hands (1999), 24.8 Terminator Genisys (2015), 24.7 The Internship (2013), 22.5 The Shack (2017), 20.9 Charlie St. Cloud (2010), 19.4 Terminator Salvation (2009), 19.4 Kick-Ass 2 (2013), 19.1 Life as We Know It (2010), 17.0 Saw II (2005), 14.8 The Matrix Revolutions (2003), 14.5 If I Stay (2014), 12.8 Home Alone 2: Lost in New York (1992), 12.8 The Island (2005), 12.7 The Vow (2012), 9.0 The Longest Ride (2015), 7.8 The Time Traveler’s Wife (2009), 3.1 The Butterfly Effect (2004)
(We went high up for this guy. Norm is only kind of in it, but it counts! And obviously The Animal was awards some Kids’ Choice. How could Kids not love this stuff, he almost has sex with a goat!)
Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 13) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Rob Schneider is No. 1 billed in The Animal and No. 1 billed in Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo, which also stars William Forsythe (No. 2 billed) who is in 88 Minutes (No. 5 billed) which also stars Leelee Sobieski (No. 3 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 1 billed) => (1 + 1) + (2 + 5) + (3 + 1) = 13. If we were to watch Norm of the North we can get the HoE Number down to 9.
Notes – This is Colleen Haskell’s debut as an actress after being one of the final contenders in the first season of Survivor (2000). Rob Schneider said that working with Haskell was one of the unexpected pleasures of making the film.
The newspaper clipping of Marvin’s father features the face of Rob Schneider’s actual father, Marvin (to whom the movie is dedicated) photoshopped onto a police officer. Also, the car in which the lead character has his road accident was originally owned by Marvin Schneider (although several duplicates were also used in the crash sequence).
In both audio commentaries on the Uncut version of the DVD, it is mentioned that Harry Dean Stanton played the part of a hunter staking out the Man-Beast in the forest, but nearly all of the footage ended up on the cutting room floor. He can still be seen, uncredited, being attacked in once scene after Marvin asks Rianna to tie him up.
In June 2001, Newsweek revealed that print ads for at least four movies released by Columbia Pictures, including this one and A Knight’s Tale (2001), contained glowing comments from a film reviewer who didn’t exist. The fake critic, “David Manning,” was the friend of someone who worked in Columbia’s advertising department, and agreed to let his friend use his name. Manning was misrepresented as a reviewer for the Ridgefield Press, a real-life weekly paper out of Ridgefield, Connecticut.
Director Luke Greenfield’s mother deliberately hung around on-set because she was a big fan of Edward Asner.
Awards – Nominee for the Razzie Award for Worst Actor of the Decade (Rob Schneider)
Bad Movie Twins 