Proud Mary Preview

Jamie chases after Truth who ran away after revealing that she suffers from Statham’s Disease. They run all the way to the top of the Space Needle and Jamie shouts “Please, don’t do it!” But it’s too late, Truth jumps, only to deploy a base-jumping parachute and land safely at the bottom. They continue this mad dash about town as Truth attempts to keep her adrenaline up and stay alive. “Stop please, there are other ways to keep your adrenaline up,” Jamie pants. “I tried,” Truth responds, “it’s why we were thieves. But you can’t be with a thief. So I have to find another way,” and with that she jumps the Grand Canyon on a rocket skateboard. Just when Truth looks to bungee jump from the Gateway Arch, Jamie is able to grab her, “Look into my eyes. There are other ways to keep your adrenaline up.” She does. She looks deep into Jamie’s eyes and with that they spend the rest of the summer making out so hard (perhaps more? It’s implied) that Truth’s adrenaline never falters. As the summer comes to the close, Jamie falls asleep on the beach after a particularly hard make-out sesh only to awaken to find Truth near death. “I… I just didn’t want to wake you. You looked so peaceful.” Tears are streaming down Jamie’s face. “ Please, do one thing for me,” Truth coughs, “That dog you saved with the cut ear? It wasn’t Arf Collector Von Schnauzer. You have to save the real Arf Collector… he’s working for our boss, Briggs,” and with that Truth dies. Jamie and Patrick donate a small part of their considerable Bad Movie Twins fortune to find a cure for Statham’s Disease and don their hoodies once again to go after Briggs. That’s right! We’re watching Proud Mary starring Taraji P. Henson who plays a hitman with a heart of gold. I feel like this is the yin to the Death Wish yang, which is more like a regular person with a heart of shit. Let’s go!

Proud Mary (2018) – BMeTric: 42.2

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(This is heartening. This felt like one of the films we were kind of forced into because of the chain reaction, but sub-5.0 is pretty amazing. The film might genuinely be pretty terrible, which would be kind of fun.)

RogerEbert.com – 2.5 stars –  Screen Gems, the studio responsible for “Proud Mary” was nice enough to make their product almost impossible for me to see before my deadline. Genre films such as this often don’t have critics’ screenings, which is fine, but practically every film nowadays has night screenings. Manhattan has hundreds upon hundreds of movie screens, yet not one of them was playing “Proud Mary” on Thursday. I do not believe this had anything to do with quality; “The Snowman,” which is about 50 times worse than this film, not only gave us all the clues but it also gave us early screenings at every single theater that ran it on its opening Friday.

(I kind of love the hit on The Snowman at the end there. Yeah, the big thing about this film was it wasn’t screened for critics which was somewhat odd considering the reviews ultimately were bad but not terrible (almost 30% on Rotten Tomatoes). So now I have two differing opinions. Critics think its meh. IMDb suggests it is terrible. I’m going with the critics. Who knows, it is possible IMDb is getting brigaded by racists because of the predominantly black cast. It has been known to happen.)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kQ1Zcv54USA

(Like the songs. Hate how they drop the audio out throughout. Just really dumb. I also don’t really get it … it is a remake of Gloria, but the kid is in the trailer for about 4 seconds which is an odd choice. Finally, who wears the most conspicuous blonde wig to a hit? Whatever, this looks dumb.)

Directors – Babak Najafi – (Known For: Easy Money II: Hard to Kill; BMT: Proud Mary; London Has Fallen; Notes: Iranian by birth, but grew up in Sweden as a refugee in the 80s. A huge refugee success story to say the least.)

Writers – John Stuart Newman (story by & screenplay by) – (BMT: Proud Mary; Notes: Wrote on 805 episodes of Days of Our Lives. More recently he wrote for the wildly successful television adaptation of Get Shorty. I hope they get to adapt Be Cool into something good as well (zing).)

Christian Swegal (story by & screenplay by) – (BMT: Proud Mary; Notes: Nothing online about the guy. He does have this very enigmatic website though)

Steve Antin (screenplay by) (as Steven Antin) – (Known For: Inside Monkey Zetterland; Future BMT: Chasing Papi; Gloria; BMT: Proud Mary; Burlesque; Notes: Brother of Robin Antin the founder of the Pussycat Dolls. He was an actor in the 80s, then turned to writing. He adapted the 1980 Gloria into the not-so-well-received 1999 version which is why he has this credit.)

Actors – Taraji P. Henson – (Known For: Ralph Breaks the Internet; The Curious Case of Benjamin Button; Hidden Figures; The Karate Kid; Four Brothers; Date Night; Think Like a Man; Hustle & Flow; Baby Boy; Top Five; The Good Doctor; The Adventures of Rocky & Bullwinkle; I Can Do Bad All by Myself; Something New; The Family That Preys; Talk to Me; Future BMT: Hair Show; No Good Deed; Think Like a Man Too; Term Life; Larry Crowne; Acrimony; Peep World; Smokin’ Aces; Not Easily Broken; BMT: Proud Mary; Notes: Nominated for Best Supporting Actress in The Curious Case of Benjamin Button. Has become famous more recently as the star of the show Empire.)

Billy Brown – (Known For: Star Trek; Cloverfield; The Lost World: Jurassic Park; Race to Witch Mountain; Lakeview Terrace; Geronimo: An American Legend; The Wild Thornberrys Movie; Future BMT: The Beautician and the Beast; BMT: Proud Mary; Notes: Mostly a television actor, most recently in 68 episodes of How to Get Away with Murder. Apparently the narrator of US Marines commercial.)

Jahi Di’Allo Winston – (Known For: The Upside; BMT: Proud Mary; Notes: Was recently in Everything Sucks!, a television show set in the 90s … which means there are nostalgia based shows set in the 90s now, ooooof.)

Budget/Gross – $14–30 million / Domestic: $20,877,013 (Worldwide: $21,753,365)

(The $30 million probably includes the promotion. Which makes this a pretty big bomb. Which isn’t surprising considering they kind of buried it knowing it wasn’t going to be particularly well received.)

#41 for the Hitman / Assassin genre

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(The big boom for the genre was with the Bourne movies. It is just now getting back into the swing of things. That is likely to do with John Wick, there isn’t much else impressive recently. This Means War is strangely the most successful of the BMT films. Not surprisingly the Nic Cage classic Bangkok Dangerous was the least successful.)

Rotten Tomatoes – 28% (18/64): Proud Mary proves Taraji P. Henson has more than enough attitude and charisma to carry an action movie — just not, unfortunately, one this indifferently assembled.

(And I’m back to being concerned. It seems strange it has such bad reviews, but even stranger to see it be one of the worst reviewed films of the year on IMDb. Just seems weird. Reviewer Highlight: “Proud Mary” isn’t a retro action thriller at all, but a staid family drama, and an incredibly boring one at that. – Katie Walsh, Los Angeles Times)

Poster – Proud Mary Keep on Sklogin’ (A)

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(Yup, I like it. Very artistic. Could see this on a wall somewhere of someone who didn’t even watch the film but just likes the poster. Got a unique style, nice balance, and nice color.)

Tagline(s) – Killing for the man every night and day. (B-)

(Play on the song that the title is based on. It’s clever enough, but a little long and clunky. Meh.)

Keyword(s) – hitwoman; Top Ten by BMeTric: 75.2 Elektra (2005); 65.1 The Crow: City of Angels (1996); 58.6 The First Purge (2018); 46.6 Double Impact (1991); 42.2 Proud Mary (2018); 39.6 Haywire (2011); 36.2 Around the World in 80 Days (2004); 35.6 Skyscraper (2018); 29.9 Chek law dak gung (2002); 29.6 Shadowboxer (2005);

(It is too bad Skyscraper didn’t qualify. I just watched it on a plane, and it is some of the silliest shit I’ve ever seen. The Rock climbs hand over hand up a 1000+ foot crane. I’m not joking. He scales the Empire State Building hand over hand basically.)

Notes – Loosely based on the movie Gloria (1980). (Looks interesting. Fun fact is that Gloria, despite being critically acclaimed, is a Razzie winner for Worst Supporting Actor. Plus it was remade in 1999, and that version definitely qualifies.)

This is the second time Taraji P. Henson has played a hit woman. She had a similar role in Smokin’ Aces (2006).

This film reunites Danny Glover and Margaret Avery, who starred together in The Color Purple (1985).

For all the shootings and killings, no police are ever visible in the movie.

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Assassin’s Creed Preview

Having infiltrated the super secret terrorist HQ in Budapest under the guise of the world famous Bad Movie Twins, Patrick and I attempt to locate what we were sent to recover: the obsidian dongle (bum, bum, bum). Trust us, this technological wonder is bad news and we totes gotta get it before the bad guys do or else… something bad for sure. In a stroke of bad luck my mutant disease takes hold and I reveal myself to be a bad guy working in league with the terrorists (what a twist!). Patrick knows the real me and helps me understand that I was never a mutant at all. That to overcome the disease all I had to do was believe in myself, for the nonmutant was within me the whole time! Hooray! With me now cured and our twin powers combined we handily defeat the terrorists, but at the last moment the obsidian dongle slips through our grasps. With hope seemingly lost we are approached by a representative of Absterlutely FerSher Industries. They know the way to finally rid the world of the dongle as long as we are willing to make Spain the next stop on this crazy hike we call life. That’s right! We’re watching Assassin’s Creed for the Fantasy entry in the cycle. Set in Spain both past and future, this video game adaptation did anything but break the video game curse. Despite the high level talent and effort put forth they still ended up with shit. Bad for them, good for BMT. Let’s go!

Assassin’s Creed (2016) – BMeTric: 40.7

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(Wow, opening near 9.0 is hilarious. Dropped below 6.0 at this point which is definitely where I would have expected it as this point. Loving the VOD bump, it has been a while old friend.)

RogerEbert.com – 1.5 stars –  Unlike the actual video game, “Assassin’s Creed” isn’t ridiculous and fun, but rather ridiculous and turgid. … there’s no way to translate the hands-on action of a video game to the silver screen, so many video game adaptations either have no plot, or get bogged down in blase set-up.

(Yup. Well … no plot is a stretch. But it is either a ton of kind of boring set up (Street Fighter Legend of Chun Li’s plot is basically all set up and no fighting for example) or really ridiculous stuff constantly (Super Mario Bros. or Silent Hill: Revelations come to mind). They have plots, they are just often boring or ridiculous with no inbetween. The more successful ones, like Silent Hill, tend to reign in the ridiculous and don’t get super bogged down in the details. Sounds like they got bogged down in the details here.)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gfJVoF5ko1Y

(I think it doesn’t help that a film like this just … isn’t really up my alley. Like the fight choreography looks overdone and a little tired at this point. I can kind of see the seams of the film come apart a bit and see the Prince-of-Persia-with-better-production-quality showing through. That isn’t even necessarily bad … it just doesn’t feel like the first video game film to actually be “good”. Also feels like it is going to be dark. Hate the music, but whatever. I think I hated the trailer when it came out too. I never played the games, which might also be a bit unhelpful.)

Directors – Justin Kurzel – (Known For: Macbeth; The Snowtown Murders; The Turning; BMT: Assassin’s Creed; Notes: Australian. His brother is a music composer and often works with him on projects, and he has four movies in production at this point, which is pretty crazy.)

Writers – Michael Lesslie (screenplay by) – (Known For: Macbeth; BMT: Assassin’s Creed; Notes: Both him and Kurzel worked with Fassbender on Macbeth which is why they were chosen. Next on the docket: Hamlet.)

Adam Cooper and Bill Collage (screenplay by) – (Known For: Tower Heist; Future BMT: The Transporter Refueled; Allegiant; Exodus: Gods and Kings; Accepted; BMT: New York Minute; Assassin’s Creed; Notes: They do a bit more television now, including a television movie called The French Detective. It is based on a series of “bookshots” by James Patterson … I’m officially intrigued, although when did we start called short stories “bookshots”?)

Corey May, Jade Raymond, and Patrice Désilets (based on the video game series created by) (uncredited) – (BMT: Assassin’s Creed; Notes: Hugely successful video game series with, at this point, 10 main series games (20 in total). Jade Raymond was a programmer for what I consider to be the best online trivia game ever made: Sony Online Entertainment’s Trivial Pursuit Online!)

Actors – Michael Fassbender – (Known For: Alien: Covenant; Inglourious Basterds; X-Men: Apocalypse; 300; X-Men: Days of Future Past; Prometheus; The Light Between Oceans; 12 Years a Slave; X: First Class; Steve Jobs; Shame; Song to Song; Macbeth; A Dangerous Method; Eden Lake; Jane Eyre; Centurion; Frank; Haywire; Hunger; Future BMT: The Counselor; BMT: Jonah Hex; The Snowman; Assassin’s Creed; Notes: We just saw him in The Snowman. He is apparently going out with Alicia Vikander. They are a regular video game acting couple!)

Marion Cotillard – (Known For: Inception; The Dark Knight Rises; Allied; Contagion; Midnight in Paris; Big Fish; Public Enemies; Macbeth; Rust and Bone; Anchorman 2: The Legend Continues; Two Days, One Night; Le Petit Prince; Les fantômes d’Ismaël; La Vie en Rose; Rock’n Roll; It’s Only the End of the World; The Immigrant; Blood Ties; A Very Long Engagement; Love Me If You Dare; Future BMT: Nine; BMT: Assassin’s Creed; Notes: Very impressive resume considering she only has one more qualified film left. Cast in the upcoming Dr. Dolittle film.)

Jeremy Irons – (Known For: Justice League; Red Sparrow; The Lion King; Beautiful Creatures; Lolita; Die Hard with a Vengeance; Their Finest; High-Rise; The Man Who Knew Infinity; The Mission; Margin Call; Stealing Beauty; Inland Empire; Casanova; Race; Appaloosa; Damage; Dead Ringers; The Merchant of Venice; Night Train to Lisbon; Future BMT: The Pink Panther 2; The Time Machine; The Man in the Iron Mask; Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice; La corrispondenza; BMT: Dungeons & Dragons; Eragon; Assassin’s Creed; Notes: Well established theatrical actor who grew up on the Isle of Wight. Currently, still, Alfred in the recent Batman films.)

Budget/Gross – $125 million / Domestic: $54,647,948 (Worldwide: $240,942,515)

(Not bad worldwide, although given the budget maybe a disappointment? But top 10 video game adaptation … they couldn’t have really hoped for more than $100 million domestic I would think.)

#18 for the Hitman / Assassin genre

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(Huh … I completely forgot about This Means War which juuuuust barely beats this film out for the highest grossing Hitman film we’ve seen for BMT. The giant peak is Pulp Fiction, and these days the per theater average looks a bit down. I wish Wanted qualified for BMT, that film is just god awful.)

#9 for the Video Game Adaptation genre

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(Naturally, perfect timing from BMT with Rampage releasing this week. Tomb Raider and Rampage this year are very likely to be the two best critically received video game films ever. They are kicking it up a notch, and given The Rock’s current hotness I imagine Rampage has a decent shot at a top three gross for the genre. Which will open the floodgates even more.)

Rotten Tomatoes – 18% (35/192): Assassin’s Creed is arguably better made (and certainly better cast) than most video game adaptations; unfortunately, the CGI-fueled end result still is still a joylessly overplotted slog.

(Joyless doesn’t sound very fun. Other reviews call it “over-cast” which is meaningless … except I think they are going for some “joyless” pub of sorts with “overcast”? Maybe, that would be kind of bonkers and I kind of love it now. Reviewer Highlight: Assassin’s Creed mistakenly assumes that the plot is the most important element of its source material. Actually, it’s the least. – Darren Franich, Entertainment Weekly (I actually agree with this, a lot of video game movies fall into the trap of trying to deliver too much fan service via the plot, when making a new story is probably the best way to go).)

Poster – Assassin’s Sklog (B-)

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(Blah, you need better coloring, bro. Embrace that blood red and wash out Fassbender’s coloring and you might have something. Like the framing and the font, but comes off bland and amateurish as it is.)

Tagline(s) – Your destiny is in your blood (B-)

(God damn! That would work amazing with the Sklog poster with “Your destiny is in your sklog.” Otherwise this is real close to not meaning anything. Probably better than it actually sounds… which is real awkward. My brain doesn’t like it.)

Keyword(s) – based on video game; Top Ten by BMeTric: 90.1 Alone in the Dark (2005); 88.6 House of the Dead (2003); 88.6 Street Fighter (1994); 87.4 BloodRayne (2005); 86.5 Mortal Kombat: Annihilation (1997); 85.8 In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale (2007); 84.0 Super Mario Bros. (1993); 79.2 Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li (2009); 72.8 Far Cry (2008); 69.7 Wing Commander (1999);

(I always forget we “haven’t seen” Mario Bros. … we have. Many times. Just not for BMT yet. It’ll come up though. This is a sublime set of movies, just a murderer’s row from top to bottom.)

Notes – The film features the highest free fall performed by a stuntman in almost 35 years. The stuntman Damien Walters performed a free fall from the height of 125 feet (38 meters), which lasted almost 3 seconds with a 61 mph impact speed. (Exciting. I appreciate the effort for practical effects)

Michael Fassbender and Ariane Labed did 95% of the fights in the film themselves.

Cal’s father, Joseph is played by Brendan Gleeson and the young Joseph is played by Brian Gleeson – who is actually Brendan’s son. (Hmmmmm. I kind of prefer janky CGI honestly).

Ubisoft gave the prop makers a detailed list of every weapon ever made for the games that they could use as a guide.

The Assassins costumes took 2-3 months to make and were all hand-crafted. There are eight versions of each costume, with an entire costume team devoted to each of the Assassins. (Kind of love the detail here actually)

80% of the film, including stunts, extras and locations, were shot on camera, without using CGI.

This movie is based on a game with the same name. The actor Michael Fassbender had never played any of the nine games in the series until just before filming commenced; he didn’t even know that the games existed until he was hired by Ubisoft. (HA)

As one of the producers, Michael Fassbender lobbied to have Justin Kurzel directing the movie following their work on Macbeth (2015). Fassbender also chose Marion Cotillard to be his co-star again. (Yes, obviously, although I think they might have needed more experiences screenwriters on the job).

Marion Cotillard told French magazine Studio Ciné Live in May 2016, that when she was on the set of Mal de pierres (2016), she received a new version of the script of Assassin’s Creed and discovered that her character and by extension the film, no longer corresponded to what she had loved. So she called director Justin Kurzel and he fully agreed with her disagreements. For fifteen days, Kurzel, Michael Fassbender and Cotillard reworked the script. (Huh, and yet none of them have a writing credit which is interesting).

In the Assassin’s Creed video game series the present-day character, Desmond, has a scar on the right side of his lip. This same scar can also be seen on the assassin from the first game, Altair, as well as the assassin from Assassin’s Creed II, Assassin’s Creed: Brotherhood, and Assassin’s Creed: Revelations, Ezio. Coincidentally, Michael Fassbender also has a similar scar on the same side of his upper lip. (Coooooool)

The historical sequences set in 15th century Spain were shot in Spanish language. According to Justin Kurzel, they tried to do them in English first, but the decision about Spanish was too obvious and good, and it adds an exoticness and richness to the film. In the games, however, these sequences were in English, as well as all the modern-day scenes. Which was explained by the presence of built-in translator in the Animus machine.

While portraying Aguilar de Nerha, the protagonist of the past time-line, Michael Fassbender wore brown contact lenses, creating an alienating effect to the outward world and achieving the subtle difference between him and Callum Lynch, the protagonist of the present time-line. (Jeez louise. I need to curate these notes, but I kind of love them).

Michael Fassbender actively participated in the film’s post-production, including editing. (I hope he didn’t do the same with The Snowman heeeeeeeeeeeeeyooooooooo)

Kurzel didn’t want the movie to feel like a superhero film, he wanted to embrace “what it is to be human” through practical effects and parkour-intensive stunts. (Honestly … that’s a little weird. To use practical effects to make something NOT feel like something? Not sure I agree).

Originally, it was going to be 2 hours and 20 minutes. It was then shortened to only 1 hour and 48 minutes. (Wooooooof, not a ton of confidence there)

At the end of the film when the templers all meet up. The building they are in is the United Grand Lodge of England, the building is the main lodge for Freemasonry in the U.K. (That’s a fun fact).

The Whole Ten Yards Preview

Gotta just jump right back into it with the StreetCreditReport.com cycle of films that received <10% on RT. For the Games portion of the cycle we had our scientists work around the clock in the laboratory to discover a fundamental entry in the Periodic Table of Smellements. After months of arduous work they were able to unearth a sparkling gem known as Willisium. That’s right! We’re watching The Whole Ten Yards starring Matthew Perry and Bruce Willis. Garnering a 4% on RT it was declared a “strained, laugh-free sequel.” If there’s something that we love at BMTHQ it’s laugh-free comedies. Should be excruciating. Let’s go!

The Whole Ten Yards (2004) – BMeTric: 49.2

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(I’m digging that BMeTric plot. I think it might be the first that I’ve seen where it actually is now slowly decreasing due to regression to the mean. It will probably keep regressing as well (the mean is something like 6.0 IMDb rating). This movie has a ton of votes. Abnormally so. Intriguing. Also fun that this movie used to be a 50+ BMeTric film and now isn’t, first time in a long time we’ve had something like that I feel like.)

Leonard Maltin – BOMB –  The sequel for which no one was clamoring reunited the cast of The Whole Nine Yards, a pleasant-enough film, and puts them in a frantically unfunny story about Willis (who’s supposedly deceased) being forced back into the crime game to help dentist Perry rescue his kidnapped wife. Or something like that. Perry falls down and bumps into everything imaginable, a valiant effort to find laughs in a script that has none to offer. That’s Willis’ daughter Tallulah as the foulmouthed Buttercup Scout.

(So I think this review could have basically been written for Miss Congeniality 2: Armed and Fabulous. Except in that case it was Sandra Bullock falling down and bumping into everything imaginable in an attempt to find laughs in a frantically unfunny script for a sequel for which no one was clamoring. Excellent hyphen game, but while “frantically unfunny” seems promisingly, it likely translates to “boring” which is sadly how bad comedies usually go.)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oAAv2NKkXVY

(Holy shit the sound effects in the beginning! If you can’t tell the weird mob boss guy is Kevin Pollack with a funny voice. The movie does appear to be frantically unfunny. There was a point in time in which Matthew Perry could have pulled off a Jennifer Aniston like turn into a movie star I feel like, but the demands for his physical comedy just could never really last. Him frenetically falling about just looks so outdated, 90s-esque, in retrospect.)

Directors – Howard Deutch – (Known For: Pretty in Pink; The Great Outdoors; Some Kind of Wonderful; The Replacements; Article 99; Future BMT: Getting Even with Dad; My Best Friend’s Girl; The Odd Couple II; Grumpier Old Men; BMT: The Whole Ten Yards; Notes: The Great Outdoors not being BMT (40% exactly on Rotten Tomatoes) is the upset of the century in my book. We will definitely be watching Grumpier Old Men at some point. He’s been married to Lea Thompson for nearly 30 years, and we’ve seen his daughter, Zoey Deutch, starring in Dirty Grandpa.)

Writers – Mitchell Kapner (characters & story) – (Known For: Oz the Great and Powerful; The Whole Nine Yards; BMT: The Whole Ten Yards; Romeo Must Die; Notes: Credited based on The Whole Nine Yards, he is an interesting character as he is solely a writer, but has relatively few credits, no wikipedia page, and only has news stories concerning a sequel to Oz the Great and Powerful. I would assume he is a ghostwriter and script doctor most of the time, but difficult to determine)

George Gallo (screenplay) – (Known For: Bad Boys; Midnight Run; Middle Men; 29th Street; Future BMT: Code Name: The Cleaner; See Spot Run; Double Take; Trapped in Paradise; Wise Guys; Bad Boys II; BMT: The Whole Ten Yards; Notes: Dropped out of college and wrote Wise Guys as his first project. An accomplished painter in the style of Pennsylvania Impressionists for which he’s has three one-man shows in New York City.)

Actors – Bruce Willis – (Known For: Split; Pulp Fiction; Unbreakable; The Sixth Sense; Sin City; The Fifth Element; Looper; Die Hard; Twelve Monkeys; Moonrise Kingdom; RED; The Expendables 2; Sin City: A Dame to Kill For; The Expendables; Lucky Number Slevin; Die Hard 4.0; Grindhouse; Ocean’s Twelve; Alpha Dog; Planet Terror; Future BMT: Look Who’s Talking Too; Vice; The Cold Light of Day; The Prince; Extraction; Lay the Favorite; Breakfast of Champions; Cop Out; Precious Cargo; Perfect Stranger; Fire with Fire; Striking Distance; Marauders; Rock the Kasbah; The Story of Us; Blind Date; Mercury Rising; Loaded Weapon 1; Surrogates; The Jackal; Last Man Standing; Sunset; Armageddon; Tears of the Sun; Hostage; Four Rooms; Grand Champion; BMT: North; A Good Day to Die Hard; Color of Night; The Whole Ten Yards; The Bonfire of the Vanities; Hudson Hawk; G.I. Joe: Retaliation; Razzie Notes: Won for Worst Screenplay for Hudson Hawk in 1992; Won for Worst Actor in 1999 for Armageddon, Mercury Rising, and The Siege; and Nominated for Worst Actor in 1992 for Hudson Hawk; and in 1995 for Color of Night, and North; Notes: What can you say about megastar Bruce Willis? I loved him in Color of Night, one of my favorite recent BMT films. We have an absolute ton of bad Bruce Willis films to go for BMT, including what could ultimately be one of our first direct-to-VOD films: Vice)

Matthew Perry – (Known For: 17 Again; The Whole Nine Yards; The Kid; Future BMT: Serving Sara; Almost Heroes; Fools Rush In; She’s Out of Control; Three to Tango; A Night in the Life of Jimmy Reardon; BMT: The Whole Ten Yards; Notes: Obviously most famous as Chandler on Friends. His film roles have been pretty minor, but he’s had a decent amount of television success after Friends ended. He was born in Massachusetts, but raised in Canada, and was at one point the 3rd ranked junior doubles tennis player in I think the United States (!). Hard to tell, but he is basically an incredible tennis player.)

Natasha Henstridge – (Known For: The Whole Nine Yards; Bounce; Future BMT: Maximum Risk; Adrenalin: Fear the Rush; Steal; Deception; Dog Park; BMT: Species II; Ghosts of Mars; The Whole Ten Yards; Species; Notes: The Species is back! A model turned actress, we are basically done with her major BMT filmography. I’ve never heard of her other BMT qualified films, Maximum Risk is a Jean Claude Van Damme film for example, so I doubt we’ll be falling over ourselves to complete the Natasha Henstridge filmography any time soon.)

Budget/Gross – $40 million / Domestic: $16,328,471 (Worldwide: $26,155,781)

(Wow … gigantic bomb. I have to assume a good chunk of that is the money given to Bruce Willis to vaguely pretend to care about the project during production. But obviously The Whole Eleven Yards is not going to happen at this point no matter how much our Smellements scientists want it to.)

#96 for the Comedy – Sequel (Live Action) genre

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(I’m starting to get convinced the Golden Age of Bad Movies of the noughties is directly due to the boom-bust cycle of live action sequels. Would nicely explain why the late-80s / early 90s, and 00s are both amazing ten-year spans for bad movies. Has there been an uptick in amazing bad movies recently though? Not really, but maybe that’s because the sequels we get now (Pirates of the Caribbean 5, Jason Bourne, Transformers 5, etc.) are cynical cash grabs? We’ll have to see. We certainly should be entering a new Golden Age according to the theory. The Whole Ten Yards is below Son of Mask as far as domestic box office is concerned, wooooof.)

#42 for the Hitman / Assassin genre

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(Below Mechanic: Resurrection, double woof. This came at a probable peak as far as total yearly box office for hitman films, coming between the Kill Bill films, between the first two Bourne films, and right before Mr. and Mrs. Smith. Pulp Fiction in 1994 probably kicked off the genre. Having watched things like the original Mechanic films, the romanticization of hitmen wasn’t unique to the time though, although the lifestyle of Arthur Bishop was hardly something to be envied I suppose.)

Rotten Tomatoes – 4% (5/118): A strained, laugh-free sequel, The Whole Ten Yards recycles its predecessor’s cast and plot but not its wit or reason for being.

(Laugh-free. I don’t fear this phrase any longer, if only because it at least will likely make my review easy. I can probably already right the opening line: “I chuckled once in this film” or something like that. The promising bit is the “reason for being” part. I like the confusion of not really knowing why a film exists, dissecting how a massive bomb like this was greenlit. So that could be fun.)

Poster – The Whole Ten Sklogs (F)

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(I’m not even going to make up a funny grade for this one. This is unimaginably bad. This is The Avengers (1998) level incompetence. Nothing is cohesive. So many colors. Bullshit font. Everything is wrong.)

Tagline(s) – They missed each other. This time, their aim is better. (C+)

(… … … Oh! Sorry, I fell asleep while reading this tagline. Too long and clunky. Makes it hard to even get the joke. But I did give it some points for playing with a plot relevant pun. A for Effort. Which is meaningless as its actual grade in still a C+.)

Keyword(s) – hare krishna; Top Ten by BMeTric: 59.1 Nothing But Trouble (1991); 49.8 My Girl 2 (1994); 49.2 The Whole Ten Yards (2004); 45.1 Young Einstein (1988); 31.8 Bee Season (2005); 30.6 Earthquake (1974); 28.9 Dying Young (1991); 25.6 Death Wish II (1982); 23.0 Roller Boogie (1979); 20.8 American Pastoral (2016);

(Not that surprising we’ve only seen one of these. Let’s just say My Girl 2 isn’t exactly on my must see list. But I like the variety, and I like how strange of a keyword this is. The Whole Ten Yards has this as the first keyword listed? That right there is why IMDb keywords are the worst.)

Notes – When Oz (Matthew Perry) wakes up in bed with Jimmy (Bruce Willis), Willis was naked under the blanket. Perry had no idea why he was naked… and reportedly was too afraid to ask. (Sounds like a fake anecdote Perry would tell Letterman)

The Buttercup girl is played by Bruce Willis’s daughter, Tallulah Willis.

When Jill and Jimmy are having their make-up sex, we hear Bruce Willis saying “Yipee-ki-yay.” This alludes to his famous catch-phrase in the ‘Die Hard’ movies. (Ugh)

The tattoo on Jimmy the Tulip’s back is the logo of the production company. (WTF, that is super weird. I don’t like that at all)

Matthew Perry previously made a cameo in Howard Deutch’s first film, Pretty in Pink (1986), as the kid in the record store. (fun fact)

Bruce Willis and Kevin Pollak also co-starred in The Whole Nine Yards (2000), Hostage (2005), and Cop Out (2010). (Cop Out, now that is a film we’ll have to watch at some point).

Hitman: Agent 47 Preview

So from the title of this email you may wonder, “hey Jamie, why are you doing Hitman: Agent 47? Isn’t the cycle mapl.de.map? Seeing as I keep up with the latest bad movie news in depth, doesn’t that movie take place in Germany and Singapore? Last time I checked those weren’t states. Also, knowing the cycle as well as I do, this is certainly not a horror/thriller. What’s going on? BMT is the rock around which I base my life and this change is concerning.” All valid points average BMT email reader. We are in fact taking a week break from the cycle to do a super special in theaters edition of BMT. The release of one of the worst reviewed films of the year required action and seeing as it was nearly simultaneously released in the US and UK, me and Patrick thought it was a no-brainer to go ahead and catch Hitman: Agent 47 on the big screen. So without further ado: Let’s go!

Hitman: Agent 47 (2015) – BMeTric: 38.6 (November 14, 2016)

hitmanagent47_bmet

hitmanagent47_rv

(A very classic and nice graphic for a recently released film. We got a sweet theatrical/VOD regime separation, and this is also quite a high BMeTric. Reaffirms or BMT Live! choice from oh so long ago. Commentary generated on November 14, 2016)

RogerEbert.com – 1 star – “Hitman: Agent 47” is aggressively awful, the kind of film that rubs its lackadaisical screenwriting, dull filmmaking and boring characters in your face, almost daring you to ask the theater operator for your money back. It is a film that feels made out of contractual obligation instead of artistic venture, or even a remote desire to entertain.

(This sounds like our jam. Lackadaisical screenwriting? Yes, please. Dull filmmaking? We expect nothing less (more?), boring characters? I want them to be paper thin. Also, wasn’t this made out of contractual obligation? I just assumed cause there were literally ZERO people asking for this film to be made.)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=alQlJDRnQkE

(That plays more like a music video than a movie with an actual plot. Don’t like Rupert Friend as 47 right off the bat. Also at least two helicopters in the film (one that blows up and another than crashes into a building) so that’s a plus. Though Into the Storm promised a helicopter crashing into buildings and that turned out to be cut from the film. Just another reason not to like that film.)

Director(s) – Aleksander Bach – (BMT: Hitman: Agent 47. Notes: Feature debut. Mostly has worked in music videos and commercials till now. Back-to-back winner of the Cannes Young Director Award for Orange I Love You and Stars in 2008 and 2009, respectively.)

Writer(s) – Skip Woods (screenplay, story) – (Known For: The A-Team. BMT: X-Men Origins – Wolverine; Swordfish; Hitman; Sabotage; Thursday; Hitman: Agent 47; A Good Day To Die Hard. Notes: Legendary BMT writer. Hitman and Hitman: Agent 47 will be the fifth and sixth BMT films we’ve watched from him. Somehow never nominated for a Razzie. Impossible! (said in a French accent).)

Michael Finch (screenplay) – (Known For: Predators. BMT: The November Man; Hitman: Agent 47. Notes: We shall see him again. He is the writer for the upcoming sequel Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters 2. Wait… what?! Who the fuck was scrambling for that?!)

Actors – Rupert Friend – (Known For: The Young Victoria; Pride and Prejudice; Starred Up; Chéri; The Zero Theorem; The Boy in the Striped Pajamas. BMT: The Last Legion; Outlaw; Hitman: Agent 47; The Libertine. Notes: Probably best known right now for his work on Homeland.)

Hannah Ware – (Known For: Shame; Oldboy; BMT: Cop Out; Hitman: Agent 47; Notes: Also best known for her work on tv with starring roles in Boss and Betrayal.)

also stars Zachary Quinto.

Budget/Gross: $35 million / $15 million ($25 million Worldwide)

(Still out in theaters so it will probably recoup its base budget with worldwide gross. Still will go down as a big bomb given it has the 24th worst opening ever for a film released in 3000+ theaters. Just behind this week’s release No Escape! Haha, not even the worst 3000+ opening of August 2015.)

#36 for the Hitman / Assassin genre

hitman_36

(Generated on November 14, 2016; Nearby 2016 BMT smash hit Mechanic Resurrection. I can’t quite see any specific trends, but perhaps the 90’s boom was helped along by Pulp Fiction in 1994? Really unclear beyond that it has become a major genre in the 00’s and beyond. Little bit of waves, a little decrease in monetary yield in the past 5 years. We’ll see if there is a collapse a bit.)

#22 for the Video Game Adaptation genre

videogameadaptation_22

(NOTE: Generated on November 14, 2016. Analysis partially borrowed from Warcraft; The genre is surprisingly consistently produced considering literally no video game adaptation has ever reached even the modest benchmark of 50% on rotten tomatoes. The best ever reviewed? Final Fantasy Spirits Within (I saw that in theaters, go me) at 44%. The best on metacritic was Mortal Kombat by the way. It really is quite dire, over 15 years that RT record has stood. #22 for this genre is impressively poor, near Super Mario Bros!!!!)

Rotten Tomatoes: 8% (7/82), Critics Consensus: Hitman: Agent 47 fails to clear the low bar set by its predecessor, forsaking thrilling action in favor of a sleekly hollow mélange of dull violence and product placement.

(Still gathering votes on RT, but seems safely below 10% which is quite the accomplishment. Hitman’s bar is quite low indeed, but I think the consensus forgets that the first one also forsook thrilling action for sleekly hollow melange. So that’s nothing new. And yes, forsook is a word.)

Poster – Sklogman: Agent 4Life (F)

hitman_agent_forty_seven_ver4

(I can’t remember the last time I’ve hated a poster more than this. Unaccompanied Minors probably. Way, way, way too much white. The cutout of 47 is unnecessary and distracting. Can barely tell he’s holding a gun. And no tagline! Boo, boo, boo.)

Tagline(s) – None! (F-)

(I hate you already you garbage movie made for trash people! Unacceptable. I do not accept this.)

Keyword(s) – Based on a Video Game; Top Ten by BMeTric: 82.7 Street Fighter (1994); 81.4 Alone in the Dark (2005); 79.3 House of the Dead (2003); 78.9 In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale (2007); 78.9 Mortal Kombat: Annihilation (1997); 78.4 BloodRayne (2005); 77.4 Super Mario Bros. (1993); 70.1 Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li (2009); 64.0 DOA: Dead or Alive (2006); 62.6 Wing Commander (1999);

(Obviously incredible. We will watch all of these films without a doubt. If anyone needs a bad movie to watch for whatever reason spin around, point your finger at this list, and watch with horror and joy.)

Notes – Paul Walker was previously attached to play the lead role in this film before his sudden death in late November, 2013. (Oh, sad)

Hitman Preview

[EDITOR’S NOTE: This entire preview was generated on November 14, 2016. I apologize for any mind-bending anachronisms that may inadvertently occur while reading this]

Hitman (2007) – BMeTric: 20.6 (November 14, 2016)

hitman_bmet

hitman_rv

(Classic regression to the mean, solid 2011 inflection. If you recall that comes about for popular movies. And look at the number of votes! Very impressive Hitman. Bravo. It is kind of crazy how flat the entire BMeTric plot is, but I kind of comes from being only borderline bad from an IMDb rating perspective)

Leonard Maltin – 2 stars –  Every bit as visually flashy and dramatically sketchy as you would expect a video-game-inspired action-adventure to be. Still, some genuinely rousing run-and-gun sequences – enhanced with rapid-fire editing, slo-mo flourishes, and very loud music – generate interest as prolifically lethal buut increasingly self-doubting Agent 47 (Olyphant), a bald-pated, bar-code-tattooed assassin, dashes about Russia after being betrayed by his employers.

(Alright, I think that Leonard might have been attempting to win a bet here concerning exactly how many hyphens he could put into a single review. An even dozen. Congrats. Either way, seems like a solidly drab romp through Russia, exciting.)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XJhNzHyq-IE

(While I kind of dig the quiet and contemplative style with the music, it doesn’t really get me jazzed up for the movie, and it certainly, I think, misleads about the eventual product shown in theaters. If a movie that relfected that trailer was produced I’m not sure people would have been pissed. And people were piiiiiiiiiissed.)

Directors – Xavier Gens – (Known For: Frontière(s); BMT: The ABCs of Death; The Divide; Hitman; Notes: French director. Rumor has it that the studio did not like the extreme level of violence presented in his original cut of the film and effectively fired him. They hired outside help to edit the film and conduct reshoots while Gens was out of the country. Interesting stuff. I’m skeptical because an unrated version exists which is by all accounts just as bad as the theatrical cut, but maybe that was still heavily edited. Got to wait for that director’s cut.)

Writers – Skip Woods (written by) – (Known For: The A-Team; BMT: A Good Day to Die Hard (BMT); Hitman: Agent 47 (BMT); Sabotage (BMT); Hitman; Swordfish (BMT); X-Men Origins: Wolverine (BMT); Thursday; Notes: Wow Skip Woods, just wow. How he’s avoided a Razzie nom among all of that trash is beyond me. In addition to writing he also owns a tactical weapons consultancy firm which inspired him to become an action movie writer in the first place.)

Actors – Timothy Olyphant – (Known For: Snowden; This Is Where I Leave You; The Girl Next Door; Scream 2; Die Hard 4.0; Go; Rango; The Crazies; A Perfect Getaway; Rock Star; Stop-Loss; The Broken Hearts Club: BMT: Dreamcatcher; Head Over Heels; Elektra Luxx; Mother’s Day; I Am Number Four; A Man Apart; Catch and Release; Hitman; The First Wives Club; Gone in Sixty Seconds; Notes: Probably most well known for Deadwood. He is apparently a keen tennis player and huge LA sports fan.)

Dougray Scott – (Known For: Mission: Impossible II; London Town; My Week with Marilyn; Deep Impact; EverAfter; Enigma; Dark Water; Last Passenger; Ripley’s Game; Twin Town; Princess Caraboo; New Town Killers; BMT: The Vatican Tapes; Taken 3; The Truth About Love; Hitman; Notes: Maybe most well known for famously turning down the role as Wolverine due to conflicts with Mission: Impossible II. Some fans maintain his build made more sense at the time, but I would doubt anyone would argue that now.)

Also Stars Olga Kurylenko

Budget/Gross – $24 million / Domestic: $39,687,694 (Worldwide: $99,965,792)

(Solid hit, enough to warrent a sequel at least. Way more than I would expect, although with a setting in Russia and a French director I imagine the European cut was probably pretty solid.)

[See Hitman Agent 47 Preview for additional box office notes]

Rotten Tomatoes – 14% (14/101): Hitman features the unfortunate combination of excessive violence, incoherent plot, and inane dialogue.

(Check. Check. Check. Alright Jamie, pack it in, this one will do. Sounds perfect to me, not sure why any of that is a problem …)

Poster – Sklogman (B+)

hitman_ver2_xlg

(I like it. Jamie would probably say all the black hurts it by making it bland, but I think it is appropriate for the video game it is adapting. There was a better poster actually, but this is the one I remember from when it came out.)

Tagline(s) – None! (F)

(Boo no tagline. I’ll make one up: You’ll never see him coming. Boom. Not the best maybe, but at least it is something. Better than nothing.)

Keyword(s) – hitman; Top Ten by BMeTric: 78.5 The Avengers (1998); 70.1 Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li (2009); 66.2 Kangaroo Jack (2003); 62.9 Abduction (I) (2011); 60.3 Vampire in Brooklyn (1995); 58.9 The Crow: City of Angels (1996); 58.0 Tekken (2010); 57.4 Daredevil (2003); 52.8 Jupiter Ascending (2015); 52.8 Alex Cross (2012);

(That is a sick list bro. Bro … sick list. I would also gladly watch the other … except for Tekken. That is not a real movie. Look it up, not a real movie. For reals.)

Notes – While Dougray Scott often pulls a cigarette out, he never actually manages to light one. (fun fact)

During the restaurant sequence, the scene in which Nika (Olga Kurylenko) talks about owning a squirrel/chipmunk when she was young was actually true for the actress, and the scene was improvised during filming. (ugh, terrible. I hate that. Not a fun fact. A decidedly un-fun fact)

The scene where Agent 47 sits atop the roof, sniper in hand and red lettering behind him is taken directly from artwork from the game, as is the scene between 47 and Yuri in the bathtub, including the rubber duck. (I remember that scene from literally the only time I played that game, weird)

When Agent 47 jumps through the hotel window into the kid’s room, they’re playing Hitman: Blood Money (2006) for the PlayStation 2. (They’re playing through “Death of a Showman”, the training level.) (HORRIBLE, I’M OUT!)