Miss Congeniality 2 Armed and Fabulous Preview

Very disappointing week in the world of BMT. I fully expected to be announcing the first BMT Live! of the year as xXx: The Return of Xander Cage was released. Alas. Somehow it was able to garner 42% on RT due to a plethora of “Good for what it is” type reviews. Fuck that. Sigh. Instead we’ll wait on some other obvious choices later this month and move right onto the Girls Night Out. Only two real options for the category: Sex and the City 2 or Miss Congeniality 2: Armed and Fabulous. Patrick hasn’t gotten through the entire series of Sex and the City in prep for the film (unfortunately that is not a joke) so we are going for Miss Congeniality 2: Armed and Fabulous. I’m actually excited about that. Great title. Let’s go!

Miss Congeniality 2: Armed and Fabulous (2005) – BMeTric: 61.3

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(This is the greatest 2011 inflection ever. I think it is because you literally see it go from 0 votes to 53,000 (the first data point has 71 votes!). That is why the rating fluctuates so much in the beginning too, it was just shit on by those 71 people, and then it jumped immediately to 6.0 (early fans of the original), and then is faded to where it belonged. This is a very “sustained excellence” plot, which I think means this is going to be a classic. Nary a regression to the mean to be seen and high 4 / low 5 is genuinely terrible for IMDb. Getting excited.)

Leonard Maltin – 1.5 stars –  Bullock returns as FBI agent Gracie Hart, for public relations purposes, becomes the “face of the FBI.” When Burns and Shatner are kidnapped, the bureau’s beauty and her bodyguard (King) abandon PR duties and try to find the hostages. Forced (and redundant) sequel has only a couple of bright moments and never hits a comedic stride. Several celebrities have bit parts.

(You finished writing your novel yet, Leonard? That last statement is real vague. Just some celebrities popping in… to let you know.)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-ZZ-rWnoGbk

(Jesus Christ. So let’s go through a few things. (1) Benjamin Bratt is removed from the sequel with an off screen phone call. (2) Cameo by at least Regis. (3) The audacity to claim that all of a sudden Bullock’s character is some undercover wonder. (4) Set in Las Vegas. Roll all that up together with that fact that literally everything good from the original (Bratt and Caine at least a little bit) just are no longer there and this is a recipe for disaster. I’m excited.)

Directors – John Pasquin – (Known For: The Santa Clause; BMT: Miss Congeniality 2: Armed and Fabulous; Jungle 2 Jungle; Joe Somebody; Notes: Basically Tim Allen’s personal director. He even directs and co-produces Allen’s current show Last Man Standing.)

Writers – Marc Lawrence (characters & written by) – (Known For: Miss Congeniality; Music and Lyrics; Two Weeks Notice; The Rewrite; Forces of Nature; BMT: Did You Hear About the Morgans?; Miss Congeniality 2: Armed and Fabulous; The Out-of-Towners; Life with Mikey; Notes: And this guy’s like the personal writer for Sandra Bullock and Hugh Grant. He wrote 4 Bullock films and 4 Hugh Grant films, including one (Two Weeks Notice) where they both appear. Weird. Nominated for an Emmy for producing Family Ties.)

Katie Ford (characters) – (Known For: Miss Congeniality; BMT: Miss Congeniality 2: Armed and Fabulous; Notes: Wrote on Family Ties with Lawrence. Mostly has written for TV. Only feature is Miss Congeniality with a character credit on the sequel.)

Caryn Lucas (characters) – (Known For: Miss Congeniality; BMT: Miss Congeniality 2: Armed and Fabulous; Notes: Wrote with Lawrence on a short lived sitcom Pride & Joy. Jesus, this guy must be the king of the Rolodex. Pulling out his contacts to make all these films and shows.)

Actors – Sandra Bullock – (Known For: Gravity; Crash; The Proposal; Minions; A Time to Kill; Miss Congeniality; Speed; The Heat; Demolition Man; The Prince of Egypt; Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close; Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood; While You Were Sleeping; Two Weeks Notice; The Vanishing; Infamous; Forces of Nature; The Thing Called Love; Wrestling Ernest Hemingway; Lisa Picard Is Famous; BMT: Speed 2: Cruise Control; All About Steve; Miss Congeniality 2: Armed and Fabulous; The Net; Premonition; Love Potion No. 9; Stolen Hearts; 28 Days; Hope Floats; Murder by Numbers; Gun Shy; Practical Magic; Our Brand Is Crisis; Loverboy; In Love and War; The Lake House; Notes:  Won the Razzie Award in 2010 for Worst Actress and Worst Screen Couple for All About Steve; Nominated for the Razzie Award in 1998 for Worst Actress for Speed 2: Cruise Control; Nominated for the Razzie Award in 1998 for Worst Screen Couple for Speed 2: Cruise Control; Nominated for the Razzie Award in 1994 for Worst Supporting Actress for Demolition Man. Won an Oscar for The Blind Side and nominated for Gravity. My favorite fun fact about her is that she was once engaged to Tate Donovan.)

Regina King – (Known For: Friday; Jerry Maguire; Boyz n the Hood; Enemy of the State; Ray; Mighty Joe; Planes: Fire & Rescue; Higher Learning; The Ant Bully; This Christmas; How Stella Got Her Groove Back; Year of the Dog; BMT: Legally Blonde 2: Red, White & Blonde; Miss Congeniality 2: Armed and Fabulous; Daddy Day Care; Down to Earth; Our Family Wedding; A Cinderella Story; Poetic Justice; A Thin Line Between Love and Hate; Notes: Won a couple Emmy’s recently for her role on American Crime.)

William Shatner – (Known For: Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story; Miss Congeniality; Star Trek: The Wrath of Khan; Star Trek III: The Search for Spock; Star Trek: The Motion Picture; Over the Hedge; Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country; Judgement at Nuremberg; Star Trek: Generations; Osmosis Jones; Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home; Airplane II: The Sequel; A Christmas Horror Story; Kingdom of the Spiders; Big Bad Mama; Incubus; Free Enterprise; BMT: Miss Congeniality 2: Armed and Fabulous; Star Trek V: The Final Frontier; Showtime; The Wild; The Devil’s Rain; Escape from Planet Earth; Loaded Weapon 1; Notes:  Won the Razzie Award in 1990 for Worst Actor, and Director for Star Trek V: The Final Frontier; Nominated for the Razzie Award in 2000 for Worst Actor of the Century; Nominated for the Razzie Award in 1995 for Worst Supporting Actor for Star Trek: Generations; Nominated for the Razzie Award in 1990 for Worst Screenplay for Star Trek V: The Final Frontier; His daughter Lisbeth was Miss Golden Globes. Classic fun fact.)

Budget/Gross – $60 million / Domestic: $48,478,006 (Worldwide: $101,393,569)

(That … actually doesn’t seem that bad. But dropping from a $100 million dollar comedy to about half of what it raked in a few years earlier obviously meant the end to the franchise. And the end to Bullock’s romantic comedy career for a bit. She would come back with the one-two punch of the very successful The Proposal in the same year as the widely panned (BMT) All About Steve.)

#35 for the Action Heroine genre

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(Near future BMT Resident Evil Extinction, which makes sense. We last saw this during the Hall of Fame preview for Street Fighter Legend of Chun Li. This film did substantially better and really came right before the genre collapsed. Since then it has clawed its way back very successfully. This plot doesn’t count Rogue One so it’ll continue to grow as well.)

#14 for the Cinderella Complex genre

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(Ooooo right near BMT favorite The Prince and Me. Such an odd genre. And I’m sensing a trend, this also collapsed right around 2005. I think 2005 was a point in time: a point when the studios realized if they were just a tiny bit more careful they could just print money. So they relegated this to straight-to-DVD Disney affairs (I assume).)

#62 for the Comedy – Sequel (Live Action) genre

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(So … We finally discovered the root of the sequel collapse. Hollywood wasn’t replenishing their comedy coffers, they literally just couldn’t function for a bit between 2005 and 2010. That year basically marks a collapse across the board in certain “bad movie genres” as they hibernated and started to mull on the next big hit. 2008 was Iron Man, so they didn’t have to wait too long. But Miss Congeniality 2 Armed and Fabulous seems like something special. It sat on the edge of the abyss and dared people to look at it, see what our hubris wrought as critics whispered “The horror! The horror!”.)

Rotten Tomatoes – 15% (22/145): Sandra Bullock is still as appealing as ever; too bad the movie is not pageant material.

(Blech, “pageant material,” RT? That’s the best you can do? If this came out this year I bet it would get a 42% and everyone would just say “It’s dumb as a box of hair, but it delivers on what it promises.” God, I’m just so angry about xXx: The Return of Xander Cage.)

Poster – Miss Congeniality 2 Armed and Sklogulous (D-)

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(Violates everything I hold dear: too much white, weird framing, no dominant coloring, and (worst of all) no tagline! Only thing it does OK is have a fairly unique font. Would be hard to spoof.)

Tagline(s) – None! (F-)

(I need to collect together all the films that don’t have a tagline on their poster and start a letter writing campaign to shame the producers. Unacceptable behaviour and we don’t have to stand for it. Theory: Some producer thought the tagline Armed and Fabulous was so good that it needed to be a subtitle.)

Keyword(s) – female protagonist; Top Ten by BMeTric: 89.6 Catwoman (2004); 85.0 Date Movie (2006); 84.7 Speed 2: Cruise Control (1997); 80.5 The Twilight Saga: New Moon (2009); 79.5 Crossroads (I) (2002); 78.6 Sex and the City 2 (2010); 78.5 BloodRayne (2005); 78.3 Ultraviolet (2006); 76.7 Spice World (1997); 73.1 Hannah Montana: The Movie (2009);

(Phew, I thought Bullock was going to go for a two-fer with Miss Congeniality 2 sneaking in at the end. Catwoman is incredible, and honestly this is a really fun list. Imagine watching those ten movies in a row! I’m in, let’s do it.)

Notes – Eileen Brennan, who plays Stan Fields’ mom, is actually a year younger than William Shatner, who plays Stan Fields. He was born in 1931, she was born in 1932. (wot?)

In Miss Congeniality (2000), there was supposed to be a storyline where Gracie Hart’s mother was killed in the line of duty. The storyline was included in this sequel.

A Miss Congeniality (2000) poster can be seen in the background at the Las Vegas airport during the scene where Gracie is supposed to be flying back to New York. (wot?)

An entirely different sequence was filmed wherein the limo driver was portrayed by Jeffrey Tambor. (That fact is fun!)

The “Las Vegas FBI HQ” building used in the film is actually the Lloyd D. George Federal Courthouse located in Downtown Las Vegas.

Pinocchio (2002) Preview

This week we move fully into the Now a Major Motion Picture cycle with the comedy entry. Since I’m required by BMT law to read each book that the film is based on, I requested that we do something real short for this entry just to make sure I don’t fall behind right off the bat. This worked out wonderfully as one of the worst reviewed films of all time just happens to be based on a 150 page children’s book. That’s right, we are watching Roberto Benigni’s much reviled adaptation of Pinocchio! Did I say that Basic Instinct 2 was a vanity project? We ain’t seen nothing yet. Let’s go!

Pinocchio (2002) – BMeTric: 47.1

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(This is another super weird rating plot! It goes down and then completely recovers over years. It doesn’t make sense. Typically for a kids movie I would say this might be the youth factor, the fanbase of a shitty movie coming of age and using nostalgia to rate things. But what kind of weirdo kid was watching Pinocchio starring Roberto Benigni? No one. It is impossible. There has to be a weird “it was a hit in Italy” thing going on. It has to be foreign audience power.)

Leonard Maltin – 1.5 stars –  A carved wooden puppet comes to life as a mischievous boy who can’t resist temptation of any kind. Benigni’s interpretation of the beloved 1885 story by Carlo Collodi emerges as a test of one’s tolerance for the bombastic comic actor. This was a big hit in Italy … but then, so was Mussolini. U.S. Version was cut to 100 m. and dubbed with Breckin Meyer (as Benigni) and a host of stars.

(Goddamn Leonard that film had a family! Let’s all revel in Leonard’s need to invoke Italy’s fascist past in order to deliver an adequate burn for this travesty of a movie. This was well known at the time as a disastrous American dubbing as well and somewhat inexplicable if not for Benigni’s Academy Award a few years prior.)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JnyD71SK-wk

(Well that’s unfortunate. Notice that they do not let anyone talk in the trailer other than to say the word “Pinocchio!” Didn’t want to reveal that it was foreign in hopes to attract more people. Didn’t work. From the trailer it also looks a bit like those Israeli live-action fairy tales we used to watch as a kid. The Frog Prince used to freak me out. Giant scary frog. But I loved them. So maybe I’ll love this.)

Directors – Roberto Benigni – (Known For: Life Is Beautiful; The Monster; Johnny Stecchino; The Tiger and the Snow; BMT: Pinocchio; Notes: Nominated for Best Director Oscar for Life is Beautiful. Although he only sporadically works in film now he is still beloved in Italy and very active in the political scene there.)

Benigni Razzie Notes: Won the Razzie Award in 2003 for Worst Actor for Pinocchio with Breckin Meyer; Nominated for the Razzie Award in 2003 for Worst Screen Couple with Nicoletta Braschi, Worst Director, and Worst Screenplay for Pinocchio with Vincenzo Cerami; Nominated for the Razzie Award in 1994 for Worst New Star for Son of the Pink Panther

Writers – Roberto Benigni (screenplay) – (Known For: Life Is Beautiful; The Monster; Johnny Stecchino; The Tiger and the Snow; BMT: Pinocchio; Notes: Nominated for Best Screenplay Oscar for Life is Beautiful. Also a poet and songwriter.)

Vincenzo Cerami (screenplay) – (Known For: Life Is Beautiful; The Monster; Johnny Stecchino; The Tiger and the Snow; BMT: Pinocchio; Notes: Longtime writer and assistant director collaborator with Benigni. Died in 2013 after a long illness. Nominated for the Razzie Award in 2003 for Worst Screenplay for Pinocchio with Roberto Benigni)

Carlo Collodi (novel) – (Known For: Pinocchio (1940); BMT: Pinocchio (2002); The Adventures of Pinocchio Notes: Wrote the original story as a serial in the 1800s. Apparently, the original ending to the tale was that Pinocchio was such a bad puppet that he hangs himself in despair. Solid.)

Brendan Donnison (English adaptation) – (BMT: Pinocchio; Notes: Super weird. This guy is primarily a casting director for ADR and voice work. In fact has a company Lyps Inc. based in the UK that is a major player in the ADR voice casting game. Makes one wonder how he is the only english adaptation credit for the film… particularly since he has no other writing credits.)

Actors – Roberto Benigni – (Known For: Life Is Beautiful; To Rome with Love; Night on Earth; Coffee and Cigarettes; Down by Law; Luna; The Monster; Johnny Stecchino; BMT: Pinocchio; Son of the Pink Panther; Notes: Won the Best Actor Oscar for Life is Beautiful. Had a brief moment of fame in American film in the early 90s ending with Son of the Pink Panther.)

Also starring Nicoletta Braschi his costar in Life is Beautiful (and real life wife)

Budget/Gross – €40 million / Domestic: $3,684,305 (Worldwide: $41,323,171)

(An absolute travesty of a US release. Still 150th on the worst openings for a 600+ theater release (it opened at #19!), but obviously earned enough in Italy to break even (probably). The rumor is that it was well received in Italy and that a lot of the negative reaction here in the US was due to odd and off-putting voiceover choices. Sounds like it may have come down with a serious case of the Doogals.)

#13 for the Toys Come to Life genre

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(Normally I wouldn’t show this, but … what is this genre? Turns out it is Chucky movies, the Toy Story series, Pinocchio adaptations, and, of course, the classic smash hit Small Soldiers. We’ll just forget about Mr. Magorium’s Wonder Emporium. There is obviously no trends in the all-important toy’s coming to life genre.)

Rotten Tomatoes – 0% (0/55): Roberto Benigni misfires wildly with this adaptation of Pinocchio, and the result is an unfunny, poorly-made, creepy vanity project.

(Yuuuuuup you are reading this right. This is an extremely rare 0% on RT. To name some of the BMT films with 0%: A Thousand Words, Bucky Larson Born to be a Star, The Ridiculous 6, Mac and Me, Highlander II The Quickening, and American Anthem. And guess what? Pinocchio has more actual reviews than any of them! It really is incredible.)

Poster – Sklognocchio (B+)

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(This seems to be the primary poster. I like the base color and creativity used in both the image and the title font. Kinda striking and beautiful in its simplicity. And he can get away with it due to the popularity of the source material. Needs a tagline and almost too simple to be interesting, but doesn’t assault the senses.)

Tagline(s) – None! (F)

(Unacceptable.)

Keywords – fairy; Top Ten by BMeTric: 80.7 Movie 43 (2013); 56.1 Tooth Fairy (I) (2010); 47.8 Troll (1986); 47.1 Pinocchio (2002); 32.6 Pan (2015); 29.0 Arthur and the Great Adventure (2009); 27.5 Snow White and the Huntsman (2012); 27.2 Spanish Movie (2009); 27.1 Get Over It (2001); 25.9 Return to Never Land (2002);

(Interesting list. I still need to see Pan (not BMT unfortunately). Besides that the only for sure BMT film I think would be Get Over It which looks like an absolute travesty. I need to watch that film.)

Notes – This was the most expensive production in Italian film history, with a budget of about $45 million.

This is the first film in a non-English language to be nominated for Worst Picture at the Razzie Awards.

Roberto Benigni originally conceived this project as a collaboration, with Federico Fellini directing it. When Fellini died, Benigni became its director. (wow)

Awards – Won the Razzie Award for Worst Actor (Roberto Benigni, Breckin Meyer)

Nominated for the Razzie Award for Worst Picture

Nominated for the Razzie Award for Worst Screen Couple (Roberto Benigni, Nicoletta Braschi)

Nominated for the Razzie Award for Worst Director (Roberto Benigni)

Nominated for the Razzie Award for Worst Remake or Sequel

Nominated for the Razzie Award for Worst Screenplay (Vincenzo Cerami, Roberto Benigni)

The Fog (2005) Preview

Leaving The Avengers behind, we make our way to the Horror/Thriller category of the calendar. Unfortunately, the calendar is woefully bereft of thrillers so this is really just  a horror category. With that in mind, why not choose one of the worst reviewed horror films released in the 2000’s? That’s right, we’re doing the remake of The Fog from 2005. The original was directed by one of my favorite directors of all time John Carpenter, so at the very least we’ll get to enjoy watching that before being disappointed by the new version. It’s the most BMT film released on October 14th, beating out Elizabethtown, Domino, Exit to Eden, and (most interestingly) the 2011 prequel of The Thing. A different John Carpenter material made (terribly) for the modern world. What are the chances that it would be released on the exact same day 6 years later? Let’s go!

The Fog (2005) – BMeTric: 76.4

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(So I have a theory. The past few weeks we’ve hit the 70+ BMeTric hard, and the plots have looked amazingly similar. Cat in the Hat, Taxi, The Avengers, this … they don’t half ass it. They go balls to the wall and hit that 70+ hard. Really I think that is the key. When Jack and Jill came out, for example, everyone knew this was a catastrophe (it sits pretty at 80+ these days). I think that these are movies that just seem like a bad idea on paper and then double down with terrible execution to boot. And yet … out of those four doesn’t The Fog kind of stand out? Seems like an outlier, like it doesn’t belong? For me I barely remember this thing. I wonder why people were so immediately against the film (2.9 rating early on is absurd). I have theories … see the box office section below for more. I finally put the votes/rating chart up because why? Why would The Fog’s rating rise over time? All part of the weird world of IMDb user ratings)

Leonard Maltin – 1.5 stars – A dense fog from the Pacific creeps over a Northwest seaside village, bringing with it murderous, vengeful ghosts. Lame remake of John Carpenter’s 1980 movie alters the plot slightly but is no improvement. Carpenter and his longtime partner Debra Hill produced this. Alternate version also available.  

(This sounds like a 1.5 star review considering Leonard already didn’t like the original all that much (2.5 stars). For those that are interested, the alternate version is an unrated widescreen edition that includes a director’s commentary that I may or may not have ordered through my local library system [Editor’s note: little old library ladies seemingly don’t know what unrated means. I. Am. Furious].)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zWH1WlzXbko

(Not sure what I’m supposed to get out of that trailer besides the fact that Antonio Island is perpetually shrouded in darkness. Not even sure who the main characters are.)

Directors – Rupert Wainwright – (BMT: The Fog; Blank Check; Stigmata; Notes: Say whaaaaaaaaaaaat? You telling me staple-of-the-sklogs-childhood Blank Check was (1) a bad movie, and (2) directed by the guy who directed The Fog? Count me in, this movie is definitely amazing. An apparently prolific music video director he was featured on the British Millionaire Matchmaker.)

Writers – Cooper Layne (screenplay) – (Known For: The Core; BMT: The Fog; Notes: Saaaaaaaaaaay Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat? You telling me staple-of-the-sklogs-late-night-movie-watching-indulgences The Core was (1) a good movie, and (2) written by the same guy who wrote The Fog? Count me double in, this movie is definitely double amazing. There isn’t much more about him besides that he had a small part in Coneheads.)

John Carpenter (1980 screenplay) – (Known For: Halloween; They Live; Escape from L.A.; Escape from New York; The Fog; Halloween H20: 20 Years Later; Prince of Darkness; Assault on Precinct 13; Assault on Precinct 13; Eyes of Laura Mars; Dark Star; BMT: The Fog; Halloween: Resurrection; Halloween III: Season of the Witch; Ghosts of Mars; Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers; Halloween 5; Halloween; Black Moon Rising; Halloween II; Notes: A lot of these credits are for this kind of stuff, remakes. But BMT classic Ghosts of Mars is pretty special. Honestly, Halloween, Escape from New York and especially his directing credits like The Thing are all remarkable both as films, but also for their mind blowing practical effects. I can say without hesitation he is one of my favorite filmmakers of all time.)

Debra Hill (1980 screenplay) – (Known For: Halloween; Escape from L.A.; The Fog; Halloween H20: 20 Years Later; BMT: The Fog; Halloween: Resurrection; Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers; Halloween 5; Halloween; Halloween II; Notes: One of the most famous female producers of her time she worked with Carpenter on many of his early films. Was serving as producer of The Fog right around when she was diagnosed and subsequently died of cancer sadly.)

Actors – Tom Welling – (Known For: Draft Day; Parkland; BMT: The Fog; Cheaper by the Dozen 2; Cheaper by the Dozen; Notes: Owns (or maybe owned) a house on Martha’s Vineyard (what, what) where he was married. Probably best known for playing Superman on Smallville.)

Maggie Grace – (Known For: The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 2; Taken; Knight and Day; Faster; The Jane Austen Book Club; BMT: The Fog; The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1; Taken 3; We’ll Never Have Paris; Lockout; Taken 2; The Choice; Notes: Best known for running really weird in Taken… oh and for her work on Lost.)

Also stars Selma Blair who is becoming a BMT staple with The Sweetest Thing and Down to You in her repertoire.

Budget/Gross – $18 million / Domestic: $29,550,869 (Worldwide: $46,201,432 Worldwide)

(Actually looks OK just by the numbers, but it was considered a pretty big disappointment when it came out. Just a year before The Grudge was able to make $187 million worldwide on a smaller budget, so I think that’s what they had in mind. That obviously did not happen.)

#32 for the Horror Remake genre

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(Bam, new plot. I made this to explore my theory on why this movie was so destroyed in BMeTric. Using a windowing method, it sums up the number of theaters showing movies of this genre on a date plus or minus a year from a date in time (blue). And also the gross per theater for these movies (over their entire domestic run, green). The Fog is shown as a dashed red line in time. Hypothesis: This movie was the last straw for horror movie fans for remakes of 80’s films. And the plot bears this out! The genre was almost born in 2000 and grew to a plateau right when The Fog came out. And right as the gross was a-tumbling. It has since appeared to almost die as a genre. But I think this is a product of the blockbuster (Star Wars, Marvel, DC, etc.) dominating and saturating the theaters over the last five year. But we’ll see. Regardless I am convinced this is part of the reason this movie was thoroughly destroyed on IMDb (and thus the BMeTric), horror fans are … particular and love to vote on IMDb it seems. Right around future BMT classics The Eye and One Missed Call as well)

Rotten Tomatoes – 4% (3/68): The Fog is a so-so remake of a so-so movie, lacking scares, suspense or originality.

(I feel like this and Taxi have the funniest RT consensuses. Just very matter-of-fact despite summing up two of the worst reviewed releases of the decade. Maybe it was just a sign of the times. Before they started shoehorning puns into everything.)

Poster – The Meh (C-)

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(Just meh. A bit boring, needs to pick a color other than grey, and the font is too easy to turn into the spoof poster of The Sklog. Also, where’s my tagline? Bullshit. I would have put it down into D+ range, but there’s nothing inherently wrong with it, just nothing good.)

Tagline(s) – None. (F)

(There are taglines from DVDs and stuff, but there is no official tagline from the poster or major advertising. Unacceptable.)

IMDb Keyword – fog

(I had to note this little guy. Both of the Silent Hill BMT classics make this very prestige-ish list. Get it? … The Prestige is number one on the list).

Notes – Selma Blair did almost all of her own stunts. For her underwater scenes, she spent 12 hours in a water tank, with only short surface breaks, for two days straight. (… I don’t believe you)

In between takes in Vancouver, press were granted access to the set. During Selma Blair’s interview, director Rupert Wainwright made a joke she didn’t like. In response, Blair reached into her shirt, pulled out a rubber “falsie,” and flung it across the conference room at the director, deadpanning, “That’s the Adrienne Barbeau part of the role.” (wat)

Before Tom Welling was cast, actors considered for Nick Castle included David Boreanaz, Jesse Metcalfe, Matthew Davis, Henry Cavill, Adam Garcia, Michael Cassidy, Oliver Hudson, and Peter Facinelli. Matthew Fox and Ben McKenzie, were also considered for the role and met with the director, but due to conflicting television schedules they did not read for producers. (If only the charmless walking mannequin that is Henry Cavill would have been in this, perfecto)

Fergie (of The Black Eyed Peas) was attached to play Stevie Wayne before a last-minute conflict prevented her contract from closing. (Well they lost a fan here. Everyone loves musicians and especially Black Eyed Peas in any major motion picture. The more the better and this film is worse for that egregious casting misstep. Unforgivable)

Maggie Grace beat Emilie de Ravin, her Lost (2004) co-star, for the role of Elizabeth. (And with that we end, what a loss for Emilie de Ravin)

Hitman: Agent 47 Preview

So from the title of this email you may wonder, “hey Jamie, why are you doing Hitman: Agent 47? Isn’t the cycle mapl.de.map? Seeing as I keep up with the latest bad movie news in depth, doesn’t that movie take place in Germany and Singapore? Last time I checked those weren’t states. Also, knowing the cycle as well as I do, this is certainly not a horror/thriller. What’s going on? BMT is the rock around which I base my life and this change is concerning.” All valid points average BMT email reader. We are in fact taking a week break from the cycle to do a super special in theaters edition of BMT. The release of one of the worst reviewed films of the year required action and seeing as it was nearly simultaneously released in the US and UK, me and Patrick thought it was a no-brainer to go ahead and catch Hitman: Agent 47 on the big screen. So without further ado: Let’s go!

Hitman: Agent 47 (2015) – BMeTric: 38.6 (November 14, 2016)

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(A very classic and nice graphic for a recently released film. We got a sweet theatrical/VOD regime separation, and this is also quite a high BMeTric. Reaffirms or BMT Live! choice from oh so long ago. Commentary generated on November 14, 2016)

RogerEbert.com – 1 star – “Hitman: Agent 47” is aggressively awful, the kind of film that rubs its lackadaisical screenwriting, dull filmmaking and boring characters in your face, almost daring you to ask the theater operator for your money back. It is a film that feels made out of contractual obligation instead of artistic venture, or even a remote desire to entertain.

(This sounds like our jam. Lackadaisical screenwriting? Yes, please. Dull filmmaking? We expect nothing less (more?), boring characters? I want them to be paper thin. Also, wasn’t this made out of contractual obligation? I just assumed cause there were literally ZERO people asking for this film to be made.)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=alQlJDRnQkE

(That plays more like a music video than a movie with an actual plot. Don’t like Rupert Friend as 47 right off the bat. Also at least two helicopters in the film (one that blows up and another than crashes into a building) so that’s a plus. Though Into the Storm promised a helicopter crashing into buildings and that turned out to be cut from the film. Just another reason not to like that film.)

Director(s) – Aleksander Bach – (BMT: Hitman: Agent 47. Notes: Feature debut. Mostly has worked in music videos and commercials till now. Back-to-back winner of the Cannes Young Director Award for Orange I Love You and Stars in 2008 and 2009, respectively.)

Writer(s) – Skip Woods (screenplay, story) – (Known For: The A-Team. BMT: X-Men Origins – Wolverine; Swordfish; Hitman; Sabotage; Thursday; Hitman: Agent 47; A Good Day To Die Hard. Notes: Legendary BMT writer. Hitman and Hitman: Agent 47 will be the fifth and sixth BMT films we’ve watched from him. Somehow never nominated for a Razzie. Impossible! (said in a French accent).)

Michael Finch (screenplay) – (Known For: Predators. BMT: The November Man; Hitman: Agent 47. Notes: We shall see him again. He is the writer for the upcoming sequel Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters 2. Wait… what?! Who the fuck was scrambling for that?!)

Actors – Rupert Friend – (Known For: The Young Victoria; Pride and Prejudice; Starred Up; Chéri; The Zero Theorem; The Boy in the Striped Pajamas. BMT: The Last Legion; Outlaw; Hitman: Agent 47; The Libertine. Notes: Probably best known right now for his work on Homeland.)

Hannah Ware – (Known For: Shame; Oldboy; BMT: Cop Out; Hitman: Agent 47; Notes: Also best known for her work on tv with starring roles in Boss and Betrayal.)

also stars Zachary Quinto.

Budget/Gross: $35 million / $15 million ($25 million Worldwide)

(Still out in theaters so it will probably recoup its base budget with worldwide gross. Still will go down as a big bomb given it has the 24th worst opening ever for a film released in 3000+ theaters. Just behind this week’s release No Escape! Haha, not even the worst 3000+ opening of August 2015.)

#36 for the Hitman / Assassin genre

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(Generated on November 14, 2016; Nearby 2016 BMT smash hit Mechanic Resurrection. I can’t quite see any specific trends, but perhaps the 90’s boom was helped along by Pulp Fiction in 1994? Really unclear beyond that it has become a major genre in the 00’s and beyond. Little bit of waves, a little decrease in monetary yield in the past 5 years. We’ll see if there is a collapse a bit.)

#22 for the Video Game Adaptation genre

videogameadaptation_22

(NOTE: Generated on November 14, 2016. Analysis partially borrowed from Warcraft; The genre is surprisingly consistently produced considering literally no video game adaptation has ever reached even the modest benchmark of 50% on rotten tomatoes. The best ever reviewed? Final Fantasy Spirits Within (I saw that in theaters, go me) at 44%. The best on metacritic was Mortal Kombat by the way. It really is quite dire, over 15 years that RT record has stood. #22 for this genre is impressively poor, near Super Mario Bros!!!!)

Rotten Tomatoes: 8% (7/82), Critics Consensus: Hitman: Agent 47 fails to clear the low bar set by its predecessor, forsaking thrilling action in favor of a sleekly hollow mélange of dull violence and product placement.

(Still gathering votes on RT, but seems safely below 10% which is quite the accomplishment. Hitman’s bar is quite low indeed, but I think the consensus forgets that the first one also forsook thrilling action for sleekly hollow melange. So that’s nothing new. And yes, forsook is a word.)

Poster – Sklogman: Agent 4Life (F)

hitman_agent_forty_seven_ver4

(I can’t remember the last time I’ve hated a poster more than this. Unaccompanied Minors probably. Way, way, way too much white. The cutout of 47 is unnecessary and distracting. Can barely tell he’s holding a gun. And no tagline! Boo, boo, boo.)

Tagline(s) – None! (F-)

(I hate you already you garbage movie made for trash people! Unacceptable. I do not accept this.)

Keyword(s) – Based on a Video Game; Top Ten by BMeTric: 82.7 Street Fighter (1994); 81.4 Alone in the Dark (2005); 79.3 House of the Dead (2003); 78.9 In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale (2007); 78.9 Mortal Kombat: Annihilation (1997); 78.4 BloodRayne (2005); 77.4 Super Mario Bros. (1993); 70.1 Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li (2009); 64.0 DOA: Dead or Alive (2006); 62.6 Wing Commander (1999);

(Obviously incredible. We will watch all of these films without a doubt. If anyone needs a bad movie to watch for whatever reason spin around, point your finger at this list, and watch with horror and joy.)

Notes – Paul Walker was previously attached to play the lead role in this film before his sudden death in late November, 2013. (Oh, sad)