Crocodile Dundee In Los Angeles Preview

As Rich and Poe wingsuit their way to the school they look themselves over and realize just what an odd pair they make. Rich, a brash bro with baditude. Poe, a stock broker type with glasses for days. One the number cruncher, the other using instinct to get out of jams. Both warriors of justice and yet so different. They sure do hate rulez, but in different and equally cool ways. Boy howdy are they an odd couple. When they land, Nic Cage and the eeevil Gamemaster are waiting. “Most curious,” says the evil Gamemaster, suspicious at the totally bodacious way in which they completed the task. But they shrug, no biggie. “Unfortunately your test has just begun,” says Nic Cage. The new task is about the dangers of complex thought. “Clear your minds. For often the simplest idea is the most profound.” The evil Gamemaster nods, “And remember, you can’t teach old dogs new tricks.” With that they are gone and Rich and Poe look at their clothing. My god, they’re hideous. “We can’t go to school like this,” wails Rich, “We are total nerd alerts. Look at my glasses! Look at these ink stains!” He is despondent, but Poe knows they have to go forward. They should be poppin’ b-gum and baggin’ some cargo shorts as they skateboard their way to tween culture dominance, but there must be a reason for all this. As they nervously walk in, all the dope tweens are staring at the new dweebs in town. “Yo, fresh fish,” says one and Rich and Poe flinch as a hand grasps their shoulders, “Hey mates, you fellas look like a coupla fish outta water, oi? Come on, I’ll show you around and maybe we can toss a few shrimp on the barbie at lunch.” That’s right! We’re finally taking the dive and watching the sequels to a true fish-out-of-water classic, Crocodile Dundee II and Crocodile Dundee in Los Angeles. Both were reviled by critics and it’s an apt time to watch them because there may or may not be another one on the BMT horizon. Let’s go!

Crocodile Dundee in Los Angeles (2001) – BMeTric: 63.7; Notability: 39 

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(I think this one is going to be legendary. That is really holding firm significantly below 5.0, which is a very very low score. Should be an abomination. I can’t wait. Notability is actually higher that I would expect, although the early 2000s is right when they were throwing a ton of cash at comedies to hit that $100 million mark.)

RogerEbert.com – 2.0 stars – The movie is pokey and the jokes amble onscreen, squat down on their haunches and draw diagrams of themselves in the dust. But enough Croc-bashing. Truth in journalism compels me to report that “Crocodile Dundee” is at least genial family entertainment, quite possibly of interest to younger audiences and entirely lacking in the vomitous content of such other current films as “See Spot Run,” “Joe Dirt” and “Freddy Got Fingered.” Since the studios are advertising those excremental exercises in places where kids develop a desire to see them, it is good, after they see “Spy Kids,” to have an innocent and harmless entertainment like “Crocodile Dundee in Los Angeles” as another choice. It may not be brilliant, but who would you rather your kids took as a role model: Crocodile Dundee, David Spade or Tom Green? It is a melancholy milestone in our society when parents pray, “Please, God, let my child grow up to admire a crocodile rassler,” but there you have it.

(An interesting take to be honest. His Rotten Tomatoes blurb is mostly that it is just dull. But I can see that argument, that it is mostly just fine, two stars. That sounds right to be honest.)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GpJ0y6qIsps/

(Classic, The Clapper jokes. That trailer is insane. A much more like … kids comedy it seems like? He’s just cruising around with a kid solving crime or something? Who is the dude he’s with as well, that character isn’t really in the early films. Truly bizarre stuff.)

Directors – Simon Wincer – (Known For: Free Willy; Quigley Down Under; The Phantom; D.A.R.Y.L.; The Lighthorsemen; Harlequin; Phar Lap; The Young Black Stallion; Future BMT: Operation Dumbo Drop; Lightning Jack; Harley Davidson and the Marlboro Man; BMT: Crocodile Dundee in Los Angeles; Notes: A television director since the early 70s, he only broke into movies in the 80s and 90s. He directed the Lonesome Dove mini-series.)

Writers – Paul Hogan (characters) – (Known For: Crocodile Dundee; Future BMT: Lightning Jack; Almost an Angel; BMT: Crocodile Dundee in Los Angeles; Crocodile Dundee II; Notes: Was named Australian of the Year in 1985.)

Matt Berry (written by) (as Matthew Berry) – (BMT: Crocodile Dundee in Los Angeles; Notes: A prolific television producer and writer including writing for Roseanne, Married … with Children, and Desperate Housewives. Now obviously best known for fantasy sports.)

Eric Abrams (written by) – (BMT: Crocodile Dundee in Los Angeles; Notes: Similarly wrote on Married … with Children. Berry and him were writing partners and have told some interesting stories about how they ended up involved with the film and the unpleasant experiences they had.)

Actors – Paul Hogan – (Known For: Crocodile Dundee; Charlie & Boots; I Now Pronounce You Vince and Ralph; Future BMT: Flipper; Lightning Jack; Almost an Angel; BMT: Crocodile Dundee in Los Angeles; Crocodile Dundee II; Notes: He had a comedy show called the Paul Hogan Show which … looks like it ran for like a decade, but it is hard to tell because there are only five episodes listed on IMDb. I feels like something akin to the Ernest P. Worrell shows, very public-access-y)

Linda Kozlowski – (Known For: Crocodile Dundee; Future BMT: Village of the Damned; Almost an Angel; BMT: Crocodile Dundee in Los Angeles; Crocodile Dundee II; Notes: Was nominated for a Golden Globe for her work in Crocodile Dundee.)

Jere Burns – (Known For: The Incredibles 2; Funhouse Massacre; Future BMT: Game Over, Man!; Prom; My Giant; Greedy; Wired; BMT: Crocodile Dundee in Los Angeles; Notes: Seems to be an fitness fanatic competing in marathons, triathlons, and a multitude of extreme sports to some degree.)

Budget/Gross – N/A / Domestic: $25,635,682 (Worldwide: $39,438,674)

(That seems unlikely to be a good take. It just seems like Hogan himself would have cost a bit to lure into reprising the role. But who knows with the budget information missing.)

Rotten Tomatoes – 11% (9/80): A sequel as unnecessary as it is belated, Crocodile Dundee in Los Angeles lacks virtually all of the easygoing humor and charm that delighted fans of the original.

(The review seems like it can be boiled down to: This is exactly what you would expect and that is too bad. Reviewer Highlight: The punchlines are as tired as Hogan looks braying ‘g’day’ between scenes of stunt doubles getting some exercise. – Lisa Schwarzbaum, Entertainment Weekly)

Poster – Sklogodile Dundee in Los Angeles (F)

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(Heeeelllllll nooooooo. Nope. No. No. Nope. I don’t give a shit about that font. The poster is shockingly bad. In the competition with The Avengers (1998) for worst all-time maybe.)

Tagline(s) – He heard there was wildlife in L.A. He didn’t know how wild. (F)

(What?! This is the craziest poster/tagline combination in a while. This is amazing nonsense.)

Keyword – fish out of water

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Top 10: Terminator: Dark Fate (2019), Alita: Battle Angel (2019), Thor: Ragnarok (2017), Aquaman (2018), Captain Marvel (2019), Wonder Woman (2017), True Romance (1993), Back to the Future (1985), Beauty and the Beast (2017), Terminator 2: Judgment Day (1991)

Future BMT: 73.1 Bio-Dome (1996), 69.8 Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen (2004), 68.7 Supergirl (1984), 68.7 Gulliver’s Travels (2010), 66.2 Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III (1993), 65.4 Black Knight (2001), 62.9 Fat Albert (2004), 58.1 Corky Romano (2001), 57.5 Little Nicky (2000), 56.9 Suburban Commando (1991);

BMT: Road House (1989), Sweet Home Alabama (2002), Timeline (2003), Rambo III (1988), Safe Haven (2013), The Pacifier (2005), The 13th Warrior (1999), Made of Honour (2008), Howard the Duck (1986), Universal Soldier (1992), Mortdecai (2015), Jungle 2 Jungle (1997), Queen of the Damned (2002), Jason X (2001), The Beverly Hillbillies (1993), New in Town (2009), The Golden Child (1986), Old Dogs (2009), Did You Hear About the Morgans? (2009), Crocodile Dundee in Los Angeles (2001), Highlander II: The Quickening (1991), Are We There Yet? (2005), Leatherface: Texas Chainsaw Massacre III (1990), Vampire in Brooklyn (1995), Rhinestone (1984), Ishtar (1987)

(He is such a goddamned fish out of water! Man we’ve watched a lot of these. I think the one I am most looking forward to is Suburban Commando (in whatever capacity that qualified). It is somewhat notable that this is, indeed, a rather non-notable film in general.)

Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 44) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Paul Rodríguez is No. 10 billed in Crocodile Dundee in Los Angeles and No. 14 billed in The Curse of La Llorona, which also stars Linda Cardellini (No. 1 billed) who is in Hunter Killer (No. 6 billed), which also stars Gary Oldman (No. 2 billed) who is in Lost in Space (No. 1 billed), which also stars Heather Graham (No. 5 billed) who is in Say It Isn’t So (No. 2 billed), which also stars Chris Klein (No. 1 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 2 billed) => 10 + 14 + 1 + 6 + 2 + 1 + 5 + 2 + 1 + 2 = 44. If we were to watch Lightning Jack, and Pearl Harbor we can get the HoE Number down to 14.

Notes – One early idea for a third Crocodile Dundee film was to have Mick Dundee team up with Eddie Murphy’s character Axel Foley from the Beverly Hills Cop (1984) films in a crossover film. (Sounds like something thought up between doing two lines of coke)

Paul Hogan had requested sole writing credit on the film for his rewrite but the Writers Guild of America awarded the credit solely to Matthew Berry and Eric Abrams, the writers of the initial script.

Paul Hogan had stated in an interview that there wasn’t going to be a 3rd “Crocodile Dundee” film and had felt that the story of Mick Dundee had been finished and that he isn’t James Bond and he doesn’t go all over the world solving crimes. (That is exactly what the second film was! But wait … like it didn’t need to be. You wrote the movies man)

Mick Dundee drives a Subaru Outback, the same car that actor Paul Hogan had been the spokesman for. (Of course he does)

A spin-off that centered around Mikey Dundee, Mick and Sues’s son was not considered due to the film bombing at the Box Office. (I knew it! It did bomb)

Alec Wilson appears in this film as an apparent, long time friend of Mick’s from Australia. He also appeared in Crocodile Dundee II (1988) as the local hired goon named ‘Denning’, who worked alongside the drug lords helping them to track down Mick and Sue in the Australian outback.

Producer/performer Anthony Begonia is in the Venice beach scene as an angry volleyball player in the background.

Features the final musical score composed by Basil Poledouris for a theatrical film.

An early draft of the script contained a cameo role for Hugh Hefner as himself.

Awards – Nominee for the Razzie Award for Worst Remake or Sequel (2002)

Angel Has Fallen Preview

Jamie stares in shock as Patrick slams the newspaper down in front of him. The headline screams “Cake-Fueled Scandal Rocks Rich and Poe Production” and that’s not the only thing screaming. “You know the immense pressure I’m under, Jamie?” Patrick screams, chowing down on another slice of banana cream pie. But Jamie waves him off, “you know this is nothing. You were there. You saw it all happen.” But that’s not the point. Sure, Patrick knows the truth, but the studio doesn’t and they’re starting to hear words like greedy, arrogant, and unprofessional being thrown around. Worst of all, Jamie is getting a reputation as an all around bad boy character, while Patrick is being called difficult. Difficult! He’s not difficult. Everyone else is difficult! “Why don’t you take a week off,” Patrick suggest, “go to the ski chalet and relax to the max,” and Jamie nods. Besides he can get some b-roll of some avalanches for the big climactic snowboarding shootout. While he’s away Patrick begins production with the new sidekick they wrote, Angel. Overweight, bumbling, and an overall fool they spend the movie totally owning him for his bumbling ways. Patrick and Jamie know the character is a perfect way to show just how cool and rad their own characters are by juxtaposing them against his total lameness. When Jamie returns, the set is abuzz. Everywhere he turns he hears “Angel is so funny,” and “next breakout star.” Confused he confronts Patrick who is also beside himself. Apparently everyone loves the helpful idiot. When a new gossip article links Angel and Leighton Vanderschmidt it’s the final straw. They can’t have his star outshine theirs. There’s only one thing to do: Angel must go down. That’s right! We’re watching Angel Has Fallen. While not the worst reviewed film of the year, it’s a sequel to the terrible London Has Fallen, so that basically made it a shoe-in. It was also helpful that it fit the chain reaction section through Gangster Squad’s Nick Nolte. Let’s go!

Angel Has Fallen (2019) – BMeTric: 17.4; Notability: 33 

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(The IMDb rating is a lot higher that I think I would expect. I guess I don’t really expect people to go to bat for a nothing sequel to a franchise full of nothing … but unlike horror, action films have their staunch defenders I guess.)

RogerEbert.com – 1.0 stars – [K]ey moments, like any scene featuring great character actors like Tim Blake Nelson and Lance Reddick, are raced through with negligible conviction and even less inspiration. If this type of no-brow entertainment is your thing, you may find something to like in “Angel Has Fallen,” but that doesn’t mean you need what these guys are reselling.

(Many other review sites were a bit kinder than this, but I think this is probably accurate. More or less they are saying that it’s bad, without giving in to the “good for what it aims to be” syndrome that we see all over the place nowadays.)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5U2AJvU3bl4/

(I remember seeing this trailer and actually thinking “shit, this might actually not be that bad.” In some ways this turned out to be true. But it still qualified and the denizens of the BMTverse rejoiced.)

Directors – Ric Roman Waugh – (Known For: Shot Caller; Snitch; Felon; BMT: Angel Has Fallen; Notes: Long time stuntman. Did the stunts on the likes of Teen Wolf Too, Gone in 60 Seconds, Sudden Death, and Double Dragon)

Writers – Robert Mark Kamen (screenplay by) – (Known For: The Karate Kid; The Fifth Element; Taken; The Karate Kid; The Karate Kid Part II; The Transporter; Transporter 2; Lethal Weapon 3; Bandidas; Kiss of the Dragon; The Warriors Gate; Taps; A Walk in the Clouds; Future BMT: The Next Karate Kid; The Karate Kid Part III; The Transporter Refueled; Taken 3; Transporter 3; Taken 2; Colombiana; Gladiator; BMT: Angel Has Fallen; Razzie Notes: Nominee for Worst Screenplay for The Karate Kid Part III in 1990; Notes: Long time collaborator of Luc Besson. After the success of The Fifth Element he was asked to join him in creating a studio in Europe. I presume this is EuropaCorp.)

Matt Cook (screenplay by) – (Known For: The Informer; Patriots Day; Triple 9; Future BMT: The Duel; BMT: Angel Has Fallen; Notes: Seems to have burst onto the scene with three different films made in 2016.)

Ric Roman Waugh (screenplay by) – (Known For: Shot Caller; Snitch; Felon; BMT: Angel Has Fallen; Notes: He’s actually written every film he’s directed other than his first, Exit, which looks like a Cinemax film which he eventually went credited as Alan Smithee.)

Creighton Rothenberger (story by & based on characters created by) – (Known For: Olympus Has Fallen; BMT: London Has Fallen; The Expendables 3; Angel Has Fallen; Notes: Met writing partner Benedikt in screenwriting class and they eventually got married. Love is alive!)

Katrin Benedikt (story by & based on characters created by) – (Known For: Olympus Has Fallen; BMT: London Has Fallen; The Expendables 3; Angel Has Fallen; Notes: They are now divorced and will likely not be writing partners now… love is dead.)

Actors – Gerard Butler – (Known For: How to Train Your Dragon: The Hidden World; Olympus Has Fallen; 300; Den of Thieves; How to Train Your Dragon; The Vanishing; Tomorrow Never Dies; RocknRolla; How to Train Your Dragon 2; Reign of Fire; Nim’s Island; Coriolanus; Beowulf & Grendel; Mrs Brown; Dear Frankie; Harrison’s Flowers; The Cherry Orchard; Future BMT: Lara Croft Tomb Raider: The Cradle of Life; Tale of the Mummy; The Ugly Truth; The Game of Their Lives; A Family Man; Machine Gun Preacher; BMT: Movie 43; Dracula 2001; Geostorm; Gods of Egypt; The Bounty Hunter; Timeline; Gamer; Playing for Keeps; London Has Fallen; Angel Has Fallen; Hunter Killer; Razzie Notes: Nominee for Worst Actor in 2011 for The Bounty Hunter; and in 2017 for Gods of Egypt, and London Has Fallen; and Nominee for Worst Screen Couple/Worst Screen Ensemble for The Bounty Hunter in 2011; Notes: One of the greatest actors of all time. Part of the Hollywood A-list as evidenced by his invite to Mark Burnett’s holiday party. So suck on that, Gerard Butler haters.)

Nick Nolte – (Known For: Cape Fear; Tropic Thunder; Warrior; 48 Hrs.; The Thin Red Line; Noah; Hulk; Run All Night; Hotel Rwanda; The Player; The Spiderwick Chronicles; Over the Hedge; Parker; U Turn; The Deep; Paris, je t’aime; New York Stories; Hateship Loveship; A Walk in the Woods; The Company You Keep; Future BMT: Cats & Dogs: The Revenge of Kitty Galore; Breakfast of Champions; Return to Sender; I Love Trouble; Arthur; Simpatico; The Mysteries of Pittsburgh; Nightwatch; Blue Chips; Angel Has Fallen; Three Fugitives; Trixie; Mulholland Falls; Everybody Wins; Asthma; Neverwas; BMT: The Ridiculous 6; Zookeeper; Another 48 Hrs.; Gangster Squad; Notes: Has maybe the most famous mugshot in the world. Was also sentenced to 45 years in prison in the 60s for counterfeiting, but the sentence was suspended.)

Danny Huston – (Known For: Wonder Woman; Game Night; The Aviator; Children of Men; Robin Hood; Stan & Ollie; Newness; Leaving Las Vegas; Marie Antoinette; 30 Days of Night; 21 Grams; Big Eyes; The Kingdom; The Constant Gardener; Edge of Darkness; Hitchcock; The Proposition; Made in Dagenham; The Conspirator; The Congress; Future BMT: IO; Stolen; Wrath of the Titans; Clash of the Titans; All I See Is You; Boogie Woogie; Birth; Pressure; The Warrior’s Way; How to Lose Friends & Alienate People; Anna Karenina; The Professor; Fade to Black; BMT: The Number 23; Angel Has Fallen; X-Men Origins: Wolverine; Notes: For a hot second he was a director in the late 80’s and early 90’s. Made The Maddening, an erotic thriller starring Burt Reynolds, which is described as a “creepfest” on Wikipedia.)

Budget/Gross – $40,000,000 / Domestic: $69,030,436 (Worldwide: $133,365,452)

(That actually seems pretty okay. You’d want a bit more domestically, and for an action film you’d hope to punch $100 million there as well. But overall they probably made a bit of money out of it … Angel Has Fallen 2?)

Rotten Tomatoes – 39% (68/174): Cut from the same rough cloth as its predecessors, Angel Has Fallen rounds out a mostly forgettable action trilogy in fittingly mediocre fashion.

(Technically speaking, I think the second film was less than mediocre, making this film more of a return to form than a fittingly mediocre conclusion. I personally was hoping for more offensive garbage, but we can’t all get what we wish for. Fortunately this just snuck in for BMT. Reviewer Highlight: Angel Has Fallen is a film in search of a soul. It doesn’t find it, but the effort is appreciated. – Clarisse Loughrey, Independent (UK))

Poster – Angel Has Sklog-en (C+)

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(Weird. I would think I would like this a lot, but I don’t. The color and the framing are fine, but the font makes this look like an ad for a TV show. I need quality, Angel Has Fallen.)

Tagline(s) – The Hero Becomes the Fugitive (C)

(Not into it. I need it to flow. This is clunky and weird. It’s short and it explains the plot, but that a tagline does not make. I feel like there’s a lot of opportunity here too. Like America’s Greatest Hero is now America’s Most Wanted. Or something like Husband. Hero. Fugitive. Works better for me.)

Keyword – third part

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Top 10: Angel Has Fallen (2019), Terminator: Dark Fate (2019), John Wick: Chapter 3 – Parabellum (2019), Thor: Ragnarok (2017), Star Wars: Episode III – Revenge of the Sith (2005), Avengers: Infinity War (2018), Glass (2019), The Dark Knight Rises (2012), Logan (2017), The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King (2003); 

Future BMT: 82.7 Home Alone 3 (1997), 69.8 Jeepers Creepers 3 (2017), 68.5 The Santa Clause 3: The Escape Clause (2006), 65.9 Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III (1993), 63.5 Crocodile Dundee in Los Angeles (2001), 63.4 Poltergeist III (1988), 62.7 Smokey and the Bandit Part 3 (1983), 62.6 Blair Witch (2016), 61.9 The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor (2008), 60.8 The Karate Kid Part III (1989); 

BMT: Angel Has Fallen (2019), Batman Forever (1995), The Expendables 3 (2014), The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift (2006), RoboCop 3 (1993), Superman III (1983), Beverly Hills Cop III (1994), Highlander III: The Sorcerer (1994), Big Mommas: Like Father, Like Son (2011), Ernest Goes to Jail (1990)

(I’m now genuinely wondering if we can make a full cycle out of just third part films … and wait … is 1995 to 2000 so weird forgotten time of original filmmaking? Why aren’t they completing those sweet trilogies at that point. Maybe … with the small studios starting to go under in the early 90s a lot of the crap third parts were relegated to straight-to-video / cable maybe? Interesting theory at least.)

Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 15) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Gerard Butler is No. 1 billed in Angel Has Fallen and No. 1 billed in Hunter Killer, which also stars Gary Oldman (No. 2 billed) who is in Lost in Space (No. 1 billed), which also stars Heather Graham (No. 5 billed) who is in Say It Isn’t So (No. 2 billed), which also stars Chris Klein (No. 1 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 2 billed) => 1 + 1 + 2 + 1 + 5 + 2 + 1 + 2 = 15. If we were to watch Kingdom Come we can get the HoE Number down to 11.

Notes – Production on the film has been delayed by three months, to allow Gerard Butler time to recover from an injury he received while riding his motorcycle. (Pretty dumb)

Piper Perabo replaced Radha Mitchell as Leah Banning, Mike’s wife, who Mitchell played in the previous two movies. (… I did not realize they had switched actresses, I had just kind of assumed it was Piper Perabo before)

Gerard Butler and Morgan Freeman are the only two actors reprising their roles for this installment. Thus, being the only two actors to appear in all three “Has Fallen” movies.

Gerard Butler stated that this film will be darker and more character driven than either of its previous installments, even going so far as to compare it to “Logan” (2017). He also expressed hope that this will be the final installment in the “Olympus has Fallen” series.

Nick Nolte played the role of an Ex-Vietnam War veteran in this movie. In real life, he never had a chance to go to Vietnam war due to a felony case years before. However, he felt incomplete for not being able to do so since at that time, he felt obligated to fight in Vietnam War as a young man.

In Olympus Has Fallen (2013), Morgan Freeman portrayed the Speaker of the House, and in London Has Fallen (2016), he became Vice President. In between the second film and this one, his character has been elected as President of the United States. This marks the second time of Freeman as President, after he played President Tom Beck in Deep Impact (1998). (Fake presidents are amazing!)

All three films in the series have been distributed by different studios. FilmDistrict distributed Olympus Has Fallen (2013); Gramercy distributed London Has Fallen (2016); and Lionsgate distributed Angel Has Fallen (2019). (That actually seems weird)

Reportedly, there were no plans to have Aaron Eckhart return and play the role of the president, as the first two films are set over the course of seven years and the maximum time for a U.S. president is two terms (exactly eight years, unless the person becomes president in the last two years of the term). So Morgan Freeman took over the role instead. (Always made sense anyways)

Had almost half the production budget of Olympus Has Fallen (70 million) with a substantially smaller 40 million.

After Preview

Adam Banks is horrified by the latest demands by Jamie and Patrick. “They are monsters,” he whispers in shock, “I can handle them being proud of what they’ve made. But this is just greed. We need something on them, Rod. Some scandal that will let us fire them.” With that he orders Rod back to the set with a scandalous new member of the cast.

Jamie looks deep into the eyes of Leighton Vanderschmidt, cast opposite him as the Ghost of Christmas War. Apparently when Banks heard about the demand for a ghost he insisted that Leighton be cast, which was fine by them… she is by all accounts boffo box office. The spooky character is meant to evoke the fleeting nature of life and love, but Jamie isn’t yet sure the message is getting through. Mostly they’ve just done a whole bunch of kung fu and made out. Nice. Looking around Jamie starts to think that perhaps it is getting through because everyone on set looks truly horrified. Likely due to existential dread. With shooting done for the day he turns and runs directly into Patrick, who spills a half-eaten cake onto his costume. “Jeez Louise, my costume is ruined,” Jamie snaps, stamping his foot. “Here let me help with that,” Leighton chimes in. How charming. She escorts him to her trailer and proceeds to help clean up all the cake. Jamie notices just how scandalous this must look, them alone in Leighton’s trailer, him pantsless, ruined cake everywhere. Gee, he sure does hope that no one is conveniently taking pictures at this moment through the open window, because that would be quite the scandal. But he waves off the eerie feeling… he’ll cross that bridge when he comes to it. That’s right! We’re watching the 2019 teen romance After, based on a book that started as One Direction fanfiction. It tells the story of a goodl girl who just can’t resist the mysterious bad boy in town (who also can’t resist her). Oooo, forbidden love. It had me at One Direction fanfiction. Let’s go!

After (2019) – BMeTric: 46.5; Notability: 18 

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(Tumbling quite nicely. Didn’t open that high as well. On a nice streak for the Notability. Shows how a lot of the bad movies you find in the late 2010s end up being those films with relatively few famous crew. Makes sense from a business perspective, throw a flier out there using a shoestring budget.)

RogerEbert.com – 1.0 stars – “After” opens with some narration about how certain moments in life seem to define a person, and from there, the clichés pretty much don’t stop. If there’s a defining moment in the life of Tessa Young (Josephine Langford), it’s either meeting, initially being annoyed by, falling in love with, being heart-broken by, or reuniting with Hardin Scott (Hero Fiennes Tiffin).

(Ha! Pretty solidly destroying the entire concept of the film there. I am not looking forward to this though. Seems like it is going to mostly be frustrating.)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2ZAdcWHuCmY/

(DRAMA. That is what they should have called the movie: Drama and Rain: The Movie. So much rain and drama. It is making me all excited, but in that special BMT kind of way.)

Directors – Jenny Gage – (BMT: After; Notes: She produced and directed a documentary called All This Panic about girls coming of age in Brooklyn. Makes sense she would be tapped for this adaptation.)

Writers – Tom Betterton (screenplay by) – (BMT: After; Notes: Gage’s husband. I’m sure this was part of some rewrites, but he seems to have worked alongside her quite closely throughout her career.)

Tamara Chestna (screenplay by) – (BMT: After; Notes: Seems to be working on a similarly themed film for Netflix called Moxie. Was an assistant to a producer (I think) on Last Holiday. Seems to have bounced around across a bunch of production studios.)

Jenny Gage (screenplay by) – (BMT: After; Notes: The director. Her and her husband probably were able to rewrite the script once she was put on board.)

Susan McMartin (screenplay by) – (Future BMT: Son in Law; BMT: After; Notes: A very successful television writer, she wrote 58 episodes of Mom and 15 episodes of Two and a Half Man along with being a producer on both shows.)

Anna Todd (novel) – (BMT: After; Notes: This film was created as a fanfiction involving One Direction. It was the first book she ever wrote.)

Actors – Josephine Langford – (Future BMT: Wish Upon; BMT: After; Notes: Younger sister of Katherine Langford who we have not seen in a BMT film yet.)

Hero Fiennes Tiffin – (Known For: Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince; Private Peaceful; Bigga Than Ben; BMT: After; Notes: Nephew of Ralph Fiennes which is why he was hired to play a young Tom Riddle in Harry Potter. Went to school nearby where I currently live in London which is amusing.)

Khadijha Red Thunder – (BMT: After; Notes: Doesn’t seem to even have a wikipedia page … well she’s slated for the sequel, so maybe she’ll get one soon. Very weird.)

Budget/Gross – $14,000,000 / Domestic: $12,138,565 (Worldwide: $69,497,587)

(Solid worldwide success. Much like horror films it is pretty easy for teen romances to make money since you don’t have to pay much to make them.)

Rotten Tomatoes – 17% (6/35): Tepid and tired, After’s fun flourishes are let down by its generic story.

(Uh oh. Usually I like something like “An unmitigated disaster that is more laughable than sexy” … those are usually more entertaining. Hopefully it is indeed very laughable and not very sexy. Reviewer Highlight: The real problem with After is that it’s a lifeless slog of thinly written clichés, one that’s missing the charismatic spark of the actual One Direction boys. – Caroline Siede, AV Club)

Poster – Teen Romance Sklog-daption (2019) (A) 

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(My god, it’s beautiful. Not only is it actually a fine example of a poster (interesting font, overall color scheme, and sexy spacing to really let us know we’re in for a steamy ride), but it’s like a romance novel front cover on steroids. Yes, yes, a thousand times yes.)

Tagline(s) – After Your First, Life is Never the Same. (B)

(First… love? God I hope they mean first love. But you know they’re implying virginity. I think this is fine. Could be more clever, but it has a cadence to it and it feels right.)

Keyword – high school senior

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Top 10: After (2019), Superbad (2007), The Perks of Being a Wallflower (2012), Varsity Blues (1999), Central Intelligence (2016), The Girl Next Door (2004), 21 Jump Street (2012), Project X (2012), 17 Again (2009), The Spectacular Now (2013); 

Future BMT: 27.4 Senior Trip (1995), 17.6 Varsity Blues (1999), 15.8 Inventing the Abbotts (1997), 13.2 Tuff Turf (1985); 

BMT: After (2019), Project X (2012)

(Not much here, and honestly not many good keywords for this one yet. Project X is a very high school senior thing, but this one … aren’t they in college in After? Whatever.)

Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 22) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Selma Blair is No. 3 billed in After and No. 3 billed in Down To You, which also stars Freddie Prinze Jr. (No. 1 billed) who is in Summer Catch (No. 1 billed), which also stars Jessica Biel (No. 2 billed) who is in Valentine’s Day (No. 2 billed), which also stars Jessica Alba (No. 1 billed) who is in Mechanic: Resurrection (No. 2 billed), which also stars Jason Statham (No. 1 billed) who is in In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Seige Tale (No. 1 billed), which also stars Leelee Sobieski (No. 4 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 1 billed) => 3 + 3 + 1 + 1 + 2 + 2 + 1 + 2 + 1 + 1 + 4 + 1 = 22. If we were to watch Feeling Minnesota, Hardball, and The Glass House we can get the HoE Number down to 18.

Notes – Hardin’s copy of Wuthering Heights is the copy that Anna Todd has had since she was a teenager.

Was originally a One Direction fanfiction on a website called Wattpad. (Oh my, that’s excellent)

The original After trilogy gained over 1 billion reads on Wattpad. (No!)

Josephine Langford admitted in an interview that she read the first few chapters of After on Wattpad several years before being cast as Tessa. (Oh don’t admit that! Say you tried to read it, but it was incomprehensible trash. How are we going to have seen multiple fan fiction adaptation for BMT. How did this happen?)

The rights to the film were originally sold to Paramount. However, Anna Todd wanted more freedom when it came to adapting the film. The rights were then given back and eventually sold to Aviron.

Josephine Langford only had about a week or so to prepare for her role as Tessa Young. She read the book(s) and the script while on a plane. (Cheap as ffffffff)

Before being a novel, After was a fan fiction on the website Wattpad where some of the characters’ names were based on the members of One Direction: Hardin = Harry Styles; Zed = Zayn Malik; Landon = Liam Payne; Nate = Niall Horan; Logan = Louis Tomlinson.

The full After series includes After, After We Collided, After We Fell, After Ever Happy, and Before (HA! Before takes the cake)

Santa Claus: The Movie Preview

Jamie and Patrick slowly circle the mailman twins looking for an opening. Despite whirling backflips and patented twin chops they find that their opponent’s twin power is strong and every move is deftly countered. Tiring, Jamie and Patrick know what must be done. With lightning quickness they transition from a simple high five into a capoeira-inspired gymnastics-dancing-kung fu move. Flying into the air, feet akimbo, Jamie it able to connect, leaving their opponents shocked. The mailman touches his bloodied face and knows that this is the end of the battle. Blood has been spilled, identicalness has been spoilt, the power of the medallion has failed them. “Take it,” the leader says tossing them the medallion. A look of recognition crosses his face and he squints at them, “who… who are you two?” Patrick shakes his head and turns away saying, “We’re not important. It’s who we’re looking for that is.” Inspecting the medallion, though, they realize that it is just a worthless trinket. “Hey! What gives!? This ain’t worth jack!” They yell, thinking the mailmen have deceived them, but at that moment a chilling sound pierces the air: the cackling laughter of the troll. Saboteur! He knew this whole time that the medallion was a simple bauble! From behind a rock he emerges, “I’ve come for my favor,” he grunts. Jamie and Patrick look at him in disgust, but know he has won. Everyone knows their word is their bond… it’s a rule, and they don’t break rules. “What do you want from us?” Jamie asks, fearing what dastardly plan he has in store. “A simple task,” the troll says with a sneer, “You know a jolly fat man named Santa?” Jamie and Patrick are frozen in horror, they know what’s coming, “I want him, and I want him dead.”

Meanwhile… hoods pulled up high, the two prisoners get a drink in a gritty bar. They think of the long road across the wasteland still left and the anger wells within. A couple of muscly St. Patty’s Day Leprechauns tap them on the should and tell ‘em to scram. The prisoners crack their knuckles.

That’s right! We’re watching the Dudley Moore classic, and definitely a film we had heard of prior to deciding to do it … Santa Claus: The Movie! Not only that, but we are pairing it up with another holiday classic Santa With Muscles starring Hulk Hogan! Boy, oh boy, it’s like Christmas in April! Let’s go!

Santa Claus: The Movie (1985) – BMeTric: 20.0

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(Oh we’ve seen this before. The giant jump in 2014 I mean. I can’t remember what my explanation was … probably a big New Years vote purge or something. It really is a-tumblin’ though, people just love Dudley Moore I guess.)

Leonard Maltin – 2.5 stars –  Story of how Santa came to be starts out so wonderfully – with eye-filling looks at his North Pole toy factory, reindeer, and sleigh – that it’s too bad the rest of the film (with contemporary tale of humbug kid and greedy toy magnate) can’t measure up. Still entertaining, just a bit less magical than it should have been. Referred to as Santa Claus: The Movie everywhere but on-screen!

(Interestingly solid review. Kind of like Double Dragon then, starts off with a kind of quaint vague interest, but then the rest of the actual plot catches up and ruins it.)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kzFDcjesuVs

(I love John Lithgow. “FOOOORRRR FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE?!!!?!?!??!” I’m already kind of excited)

Directors – Jeannot Szwarc – (Known For: Jaws 2; Somewhere in Time; Future BMT: Supergirl; Bug; BMT: Santa Claus: The Movie; Notes: He started in television on shows like Night Gallery. He’s returned to television since, directing an episode of Grey’s Anatomy this year for example. French, but raised in Argentina.)

Writers – David Newman (story & screenplay) – (Known For: Bonnie and Clyde; Superman; Superman II; What’s Up, Doc?; Still of the Night; Bad Company; There Was a Crooked Man…; Future BMT: Sheena; BMT: Superman III; Santa Claus: The Movie; Razzie Notes: Nominee for Worst Screenplay for Sheena in 1985; Notes: Edited Esquire in the 60s, and was nominated for an Academy Award for Bonnie and Clyde.)

Leslie Newman (story) – (Known For: Superman; Superman II; BMT: Superman III; Santa Claus: The Movie; Notes: Married to David Newman until his death in 2003, is a cookbook author as well.)

Actors – Dudley Moore – (Known For: 10; Arthur; Foul Play; Bedazzled; The Wrong Box; Micki + Maude; Lovesick; The Bed Sitting Room; Future BMT: Arthur 2: On the Rocks; Wholly Moses!; Blame It on the Bellboy; Crazy People; The Hound of the Baskervilles; Unfaithfully Yours; The Pickle; BMT: Santa Claus: The Movie; Notes: Died of progressive supranuclearl palsy in 2002. Notable for his height of five foot two inches.)

John Lithgow – (Known For: Pet Sematary; Interstellar; This Is 40; The Accountant; Shrek; Late Night; The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai Across the 8th Dimension; Footloose; Miss Sloane; Twilight Zone: The Movie; The Tomorrow Man; Rise of the Planet of the Apes; Cliffhanger; Bigfoot and the Hendersons; Terms of Endearment; All That Jazz; Orange County; The Homesman; Dreamgirls; 2010: The Year We Make Contact; Future BMT: Pitch Perfect 3; Confessions of a Shopaholic; Daddy’s Home Two; A Good Man in Africa; Leap Year; Silent Fall; BMT: New Year’s Eve (uncredited); Santa Claus: The Movie; Razzie Notes: Nominee for Worst Supporting Actor for Cliffhanger in 1994; Notes: In 2017 he co-authored a New York Times crossword puzzle.)

David Huddleston – (Known For: The Big Lebowski; Blazing Saddles; Rio Lobo; Frantic; The Producers; Capricorn One; McQ; Breakheart Pass; Bad Company; Future BMT: Postal; Smokey and the Bandit Ride Again; Joe’s Apartment; Something to Talk About; Life with Mikey; The World’s Greatest Lover; BMT: Santa Claus: The Movie; Notes: Served in the Air Force and most well known as Lebowski in The Big Lebowski.)

Budget/Gross – $30–50 million / Domestic: $23,717,291

(That seems like a complete disaster. What were they thinking, that Christmas films just printed money?)

#38 for the Christmas genre

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(This is our fifth Christmas film for BMT. I don’t know why they would be becoming more popular recently … maybe with a good economy people like to think about giving and receiving gifts more?)

Rotten Tomatoes – 20% (4/20):

(My consensus: Thinnly plotted, cheap looking, and dated. This 80s Christmas film is a bore. Reviewer Highlight: Little kids will probably like most of this movie. The weakness is that larger kids and parents, deputized to escort the little ones, are likely to find a lot of it a little thin. – Roger Ebert, Chicago Sun Times)

Poster – Sklogtacular Christmas Extravaganza (B)

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(Really hard to find a decent picture of this poster. Not a good sign for the film itself. From what I can see I think there is something artistic in this that I kinda like, while also acknowledging that it looks old as shit and it’s time has passed it by. But like, check that font, look at the weird perspective, and guess what? I’m pretty sure I know this is about Santa Claus.)

Tagline(s) – Guess who’s coming to town! (D-)

(Uh… Santa? I’m still not sure what the plot of this film is… like is Santa’s workshop being bought by an eeeevil land developer and he has to work to stop him? Or like… does someone have to take over for Santa for some children appropriate reason… like he ate too much candy and hot chocolate and is now in a diabetic coma? That’s fine for kids, right? Anyway, I’m sure it something like that. Just wanted to speculate since I definitely didn’t want to talk about this snoozer of a tagline.)

Keyword(s) – toy; Top Ten by BMeTric: 76.1 Paranormal Activity 4 (2012); 75.4 Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakquel (2009); 73.8 Look Who’s Talking Too (1990); 70.2 Santa Claus Conquers the Martians (1964); 69.5 Postal (2007); 68.5 Gulliver’s Travels (2010); 64.2 Exposed (III) (2016); 63.4 Poltergeist III (1988); 60.8 Toys (1992); 59.9 Alvin and the Chipmunks (2007);

(We’ve seen none of these?! And now we still haven’t)

Welcome to Earf (HoE Number N/A) – There is no current way to connect this movie to Here on Earth via BMT. If we were to watch Unfaithfully Yours, and The Glass House we can get the HoE Number down to 14.

(Actually an anomaly. Lithgow was uncredited in New Years Eve, so he’s been in a BMT film, but that doesn’t count in this analysis)

Notes – All the toys made and bought for the Santa’s workshop scenes were donated to children’s charities for Christmas after shooting was complete.

The role of the Ancient Elf was written with James Cagney in mind. However, even though Cagney liked the film’s overall idea, his advanced age and weakened physical condition precluded him from taking the role.

In the U.S. trailers for the film, Dudley Moore gets top billing and David Huddleston gets third billing. In the international trailer, Huddleston gets top billing and Moore gets fourth billing.

Real deer were trained to pull the sleigh. The crew required months to complete the training which also allowed the deer to grow their antlers for the final filming. For shots where it was not possible to use the deer, sophisticated animatronic deer were used. (Hahahahhahaha)

The film’s budget was £50,000,000, which as of this writing (2015) would be equivalent to £140,000,000. (Hahahahahhahaa)

Burgess Meredith, who is fourth-billed, has one scene and eight lines. (This seems like a trend in this film)

When Patch is viewing the BZ Toys display in the New York window, a van painted exactly like the one on The A-Team (1983) is parked on the street behind him.

The role of B.Z. was offered to Harrison Ford, Burt Reynolds, Dustin Hoffman and Johnny Carson, all of whom turned it down.

John Lithgow, who is second billed and the main bad guy, doesn’t appear until more than an hour into the film. (Wowza)

Paul McCartney was originally going to write and perform a theme song, but his record label declined.

The movie had promotional Tie with McDonald’s, Coca- Cola and Pabst Blue Ribbon. McDonald’s gave a away one of four books with each happy meal, which chronicled the story of the film. (WHAT)

London Has Fallen Preview

This week we must steel ourselves for witnessing gore than no human should be forced to see. No it’s not horror week. But we are watching London Has Fallen for action. This is the film series where Gerard Butler plays a sociopath who tortures everyone he sees and stabs them in the face when he is done with them. The first film was rough stuff and I’ve heard that this one is even crazier. Basically just Olympus Has Fallen, but more racist. Cool. Let’s go!

London Has Fallen (2016) – BMeTric: 32.4

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(I’m not really sure what to make of the vote plot. There seem to be three regimes (theater, limite VOD, full VOD/Blu Ray?) and the entire thing just kind of increases at the same rate. Maybe this is more like an “action” plot compared to last week’s comedy plot? Anyways, the ratings went a tumbling, and we are at 32.4, an extremely respectable score for a movie released this year.)

Leonard Maltin – 0.5 stars –  “Olympus Has Fallen” was a pornographically violent crapfest … [and] we now have “London Has Fallen,” a horrible and wildly unnecessary follow-up that might actually be worse than its predecessor. … [S]erving as proof that Gerard Butler can make movies that are even worse than “Gods of Egypt” (not that this should be encouraged), there is absolutely nothing of value to “London Has Fallen” … Unless you have some insane desire to see what will surely go down as one of the very worst films of 2016, you would be far better served staying at home.

(It was hard to even parse out the best parts of that incredibly destructive review. The last sentence just about nails it. I’m also now very interested in the rogerebert.com review system. The thumbs down is zero stars and they have 0.5 and 1 star ratings! Such a panoply of options. Three major releases (as I would classify it) have gotten zero stars: Nine Lives, Dirty Grandpa, and Alice Through the Looking Glass. Besides the last one we should easily be able to get all zero and 0.5 star movies. Bully for us.)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3AsOdX7NcJs

(Ugh. Just coming off of Olympus Has Fallen this looks like more of the same. So violent. Jingoistic to the extreme. Unpleasant. I don’t know … I wonder how much I can turn my brain off.)

Directors – Babak Najafi – (Known For: Easy Money II: Hard to Kill; BMT: London Has Fallen; Notes:  An Iranian refugee who settled in Sweden at 11. Studying direction this is his first english language film. Awww, for reals I’m sad about the things I’m going to say about this movie now …)

Writers – Creighton Rothenberger and Katrin Benedikt (based on characters created by & story by & screenplay) – (Known For: Olympus Has Fallen; BMT: London Has Fallen; The Expendables 3; Notes: Awesome these two have been married for ten years now. She is Icelandic and he is American, they met in screenwriting class. Seem to have made a healthy living on blockbuster action films)

Christian Gudegast (screenplay) – (BMT: London Has Fallen; A Man Apart; Notes: Son of Eric Braeden most well known for his single story arc on Murder She Wrote (fine, maybe only I would only know him from that, he’s in Titanic and is a giant Soap Opera star).)

Chad St. John (screenplay) – (BMT: London Has Fallen; Notes: Wait wait wait … this guy wrote xXx: The Return of Xander Cage!? Have you seen this horrible poster? Have you watched this horrible trailer? I am so pumped to watch and hate this movie … except I bet reviewers will be like “good for what it is” and it’ll get 50% on rotten tomatoes or something. Or, even worse, it’ll *gasp* go unreleased in the UK.)

Actors – Gerard Butler – (Known For: 300; Olympus Has Fallen; How to Train Your Dragon; RocknRolla; How to Train Your Dragon 2; Reign of Fire; Tomorrow Never Dies; Nim’s Island; Coriolanus; Beowulf & Grendel; Mrs Brown; Dear Frankie; Harrison’s Flowers; The Cherry Orchard; BMT: Movie 43 (BMT); Dracula 2001; Lara Croft Tomb Raider: The Cradle of Life; The Bounty Hunter (BMT); Gods of Egypt; Timeline (BMT); Gamer (BMT); Tale of the Mummy; Playing for Keeps (BMT); London Has Fallen; The Ugly Truth; Notes:  Nominated for the Razzie Award in 2011 for Worst Actor and Worst Screen Couple/Worst Screen Ensemble for The Bounty Hunter; My God, what a legend. And two movies this year because of Gods of Egypt. A BMT legend in the highest regard. And a big movie star too, it is really impressive. Big Celtic fan and part owner of a Caribbean Cricket team.)

Aaron Eckhart – (Known For: Sully: Miracle on the Hudson; Bleed for This; The Dark Knight; Olympus Has Fallen; Erin Brockovich; The Missing; Any Given Sunday; Thank You for Smoking; The Core; The Rum Diary; No Reservations; The Pledge; Rabbit Hole; Nothing Is Private; Possession; Nurse Betty; In the Company of Men; Conversations with Other Women; Your Friends & Neighbors; BMT: The Wicker Man (BMT); I, Frankenstein (BMT); The Black Dahlia; Battle Los Angeles (BMT); Love Happens; London Has Fallen; Suspect Zero; Erased; Paycheck (BMT); Notes: Alright, this might be the best bad movie street cred film ever. Aaron Eckhart is a secret BMT legend as well. He is Mormon, but is open about not being active in the faith.)

Morgan Freeman – (Known For: The Shawshank Redemption; The Dark Knight; The Dark Knight Rises; Se7en; Now You See Me; Batman Begins; Oblivion; Lucy; Unforgiven; The Lego Movie; Olympus Has Fallen; Ted 2; War of the Worlds; Gone Baby Gone; Million Dollar Baby; Wanted; RED; Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves; Lucky Number Slevin; Deep Impact; Glory; Bruce Almighty; Last Vegas; Invictus; The Sum of All Fears; The Bucket List; Amistad; Driving Miss Daisy; Outbreak; BMT: Conan the Barbarian; Evan Almighty; Dreamcatcher (BMT); Chain Reaction; The Bonfire of the Vanities (BMT); Edison; London Has Fallen; The Contract; Hard Rain (BMT); Momentum; Ben-Hur; Transcendence (BMT); Last Knights; Along Came a Spider; High Crimes; Now You See Me 2; Kiss the Girls; Notes: Every single one of these actors has been in at least four other BMT films! Owns and operated a blues bar in Clarksdale, Mississippi. He’s converted his 124-acre ranch into a bee sanctuary. Sounds like an interesting dude.)

Budget/Gross – $60 million / Domestic: $62,524,260 (Worldwide: $195,725,584)

(An international success, but a moderate domestic dud. Although Olympus has fallen didn’t do much better ($90M on a $70M budget), so a bit confused as to what exactly was expected here … Anyways, internationally did better than the previous film, so maybe could see a sequel. I have no idea why any of the actors would do that to themselves though.)

Rotten Tomatoes – 26% (43/168): London Has Fallen traps a talented cast — and all who dare to see it — in a mid-1990s basic-cable nightmare of a film loaded with xenophobia and threadbare action-thriller clichés.

(Yiiiiiiiiis, I love me some classic 90s xenophobia and threadbare action-thriller cliches. The script is going to be atrocious. I can feel it. Excitement officially rising.)

Poster – London Has Sklogen (C-)

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(I appreciate the work put into this, but it’s one step away from being The Avengers busy. Look at all the unnecessary garbage going on in this one. Scrap it all and just have Gerard in front of the flag. Kudos to the faded font on the title. At least we have that. Like the red focus, but wish it wasn’t washed out by all the shit going on.)

Tagline(s) – Prepare for bloody hell. (B+)

(Well that’s foreboding. Why not just make the tagline ‘Ready to see some murder?’ Gets credit for being short and sweet and the nice British play on words. Nothing to put it over the top though.)

Keyword(s) – funeral; Top Ten by BMeTric: 77.0 xXx²: The Next Level (2005); 75.0 Police Academy: Mission to Moscow (1994); 74.2 Plan 9 from Outer Space (1959); 73.7 Superhero Movie (2008); 73.4 One Missed Call (2008); 70.6 Ouija (II) (2014); 67.1 The Spirit (2008); 61.9 Jennifer’s Body (2009); 60.1 Stealth (2005); 60.0 Bodyguard (2011);

(Shockingly great list. Indeed, like other recent films the keywords section has many listed (nearly 300), but only a handful even one vote of relevance. Funeral seemed fine though, and hilarious that another terrorists-attack-the-president (xXx2) film is on this list. What a nice eclectic group as well.)

Notes – Olympus Has Fallen (2013) director Antoine Fuqua refused to direct this sequel because he didn’t like the script. (ha! Good choice)

Due to scheduling conflicts, Morgan Freeman and Gerard Butler don’t appear in the same scene together in person. The scene in the hallway at the White House uses body doubles, and doesn’t show faces. (Say what, that is awesome)

The jogging sequence at the start of the film was filmed in Kensington Gardens in central London. (I know where that is. I’ll be on the lookout. Such an awesome settings film)

Morgan Freeman added his voice to the directions mobile app ‘Waze’ to support the release of this movie. (What … I don’t even understand this note)

The rear entrance/exit to PINDAR (The UK equivalent to the US PEOC) is allegedly based on one the platforms at Charing Cross Station. It is assumed that it’s there to necessitate access to a railway or the Underground if the government needs to escape the capital. It is classed as a “Military Citadel.” Others include the conspicuous one at the back of Horse Guards/The Mall, the abandoned one at Dollis Hill, the old Cabinet War Rooms under the Treasury, and what used to be called Q-Whitehall. (Actually a pretty cool note. Notes like this is how an entire alternative IMDb gets set up, like the one for cars or the one for firearms. This would be like the internet movie location database or something, and I would love that).

Pinocchio (2002) Preview

This week we move fully into the Now a Major Motion Picture cycle with the comedy entry. Since I’m required by BMT law to read each book that the film is based on, I requested that we do something real short for this entry just to make sure I don’t fall behind right off the bat. This worked out wonderfully as one of the worst reviewed films of all time just happens to be based on a 150 page children’s book. That’s right, we are watching Roberto Benigni’s much reviled adaptation of Pinocchio! Did I say that Basic Instinct 2 was a vanity project? We ain’t seen nothing yet. Let’s go!

Pinocchio (2002) – BMeTric: 47.1

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(This is another super weird rating plot! It goes down and then completely recovers over years. It doesn’t make sense. Typically for a kids movie I would say this might be the youth factor, the fanbase of a shitty movie coming of age and using nostalgia to rate things. But what kind of weirdo kid was watching Pinocchio starring Roberto Benigni? No one. It is impossible. There has to be a weird “it was a hit in Italy” thing going on. It has to be foreign audience power.)

Leonard Maltin – 1.5 stars –  A carved wooden puppet comes to life as a mischievous boy who can’t resist temptation of any kind. Benigni’s interpretation of the beloved 1885 story by Carlo Collodi emerges as a test of one’s tolerance for the bombastic comic actor. This was a big hit in Italy … but then, so was Mussolini. U.S. Version was cut to 100 m. and dubbed with Breckin Meyer (as Benigni) and a host of stars.

(Goddamn Leonard that film had a family! Let’s all revel in Leonard’s need to invoke Italy’s fascist past in order to deliver an adequate burn for this travesty of a movie. This was well known at the time as a disastrous American dubbing as well and somewhat inexplicable if not for Benigni’s Academy Award a few years prior.)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JnyD71SK-wk

(Well that’s unfortunate. Notice that they do not let anyone talk in the trailer other than to say the word “Pinocchio!” Didn’t want to reveal that it was foreign in hopes to attract more people. Didn’t work. From the trailer it also looks a bit like those Israeli live-action fairy tales we used to watch as a kid. The Frog Prince used to freak me out. Giant scary frog. But I loved them. So maybe I’ll love this.)

Directors – Roberto Benigni – (Known For: Life Is Beautiful; The Monster; Johnny Stecchino; The Tiger and the Snow; BMT: Pinocchio; Notes: Nominated for Best Director Oscar for Life is Beautiful. Although he only sporadically works in film now he is still beloved in Italy and very active in the political scene there.)

Benigni Razzie Notes: Won the Razzie Award in 2003 for Worst Actor for Pinocchio with Breckin Meyer; Nominated for the Razzie Award in 2003 for Worst Screen Couple with Nicoletta Braschi, Worst Director, and Worst Screenplay for Pinocchio with Vincenzo Cerami; Nominated for the Razzie Award in 1994 for Worst New Star for Son of the Pink Panther

Writers – Roberto Benigni (screenplay) – (Known For: Life Is Beautiful; The Monster; Johnny Stecchino; The Tiger and the Snow; BMT: Pinocchio; Notes: Nominated for Best Screenplay Oscar for Life is Beautiful. Also a poet and songwriter.)

Vincenzo Cerami (screenplay) – (Known For: Life Is Beautiful; The Monster; Johnny Stecchino; The Tiger and the Snow; BMT: Pinocchio; Notes: Longtime writer and assistant director collaborator with Benigni. Died in 2013 after a long illness. Nominated for the Razzie Award in 2003 for Worst Screenplay for Pinocchio with Roberto Benigni)

Carlo Collodi (novel) – (Known For: Pinocchio (1940); BMT: Pinocchio (2002); The Adventures of Pinocchio Notes: Wrote the original story as a serial in the 1800s. Apparently, the original ending to the tale was that Pinocchio was such a bad puppet that he hangs himself in despair. Solid.)

Brendan Donnison (English adaptation) – (BMT: Pinocchio; Notes: Super weird. This guy is primarily a casting director for ADR and voice work. In fact has a company Lyps Inc. based in the UK that is a major player in the ADR voice casting game. Makes one wonder how he is the only english adaptation credit for the film… particularly since he has no other writing credits.)

Actors – Roberto Benigni – (Known For: Life Is Beautiful; To Rome with Love; Night on Earth; Coffee and Cigarettes; Down by Law; Luna; The Monster; Johnny Stecchino; BMT: Pinocchio; Son of the Pink Panther; Notes: Won the Best Actor Oscar for Life is Beautiful. Had a brief moment of fame in American film in the early 90s ending with Son of the Pink Panther.)

Also starring Nicoletta Braschi his costar in Life is Beautiful (and real life wife)

Budget/Gross – €40 million / Domestic: $3,684,305 (Worldwide: $41,323,171)

(An absolute travesty of a US release. Still 150th on the worst openings for a 600+ theater release (it opened at #19!), but obviously earned enough in Italy to break even (probably). The rumor is that it was well received in Italy and that a lot of the negative reaction here in the US was due to odd and off-putting voiceover choices. Sounds like it may have come down with a serious case of the Doogals.)

#13 for the Toys Come to Life genre

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(Normally I wouldn’t show this, but … what is this genre? Turns out it is Chucky movies, the Toy Story series, Pinocchio adaptations, and, of course, the classic smash hit Small Soldiers. We’ll just forget about Mr. Magorium’s Wonder Emporium. There is obviously no trends in the all-important toy’s coming to life genre.)

Rotten Tomatoes – 0% (0/55): Roberto Benigni misfires wildly with this adaptation of Pinocchio, and the result is an unfunny, poorly-made, creepy vanity project.

(Yuuuuuup you are reading this right. This is an extremely rare 0% on RT. To name some of the BMT films with 0%: A Thousand Words, Bucky Larson Born to be a Star, The Ridiculous 6, Mac and Me, Highlander II The Quickening, and American Anthem. And guess what? Pinocchio has more actual reviews than any of them! It really is incredible.)

Poster – Sklognocchio (B+)

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(This seems to be the primary poster. I like the base color and creativity used in both the image and the title font. Kinda striking and beautiful in its simplicity. And he can get away with it due to the popularity of the source material. Needs a tagline and almost too simple to be interesting, but doesn’t assault the senses.)

Tagline(s) – None! (F)

(Unacceptable.)

Keywords – fairy; Top Ten by BMeTric: 80.7 Movie 43 (2013); 56.1 Tooth Fairy (I) (2010); 47.8 Troll (1986); 47.1 Pinocchio (2002); 32.6 Pan (2015); 29.0 Arthur and the Great Adventure (2009); 27.5 Snow White and the Huntsman (2012); 27.2 Spanish Movie (2009); 27.1 Get Over It (2001); 25.9 Return to Never Land (2002);

(Interesting list. I still need to see Pan (not BMT unfortunately). Besides that the only for sure BMT film I think would be Get Over It which looks like an absolute travesty. I need to watch that film.)

Notes – This was the most expensive production in Italian film history, with a budget of about $45 million.

This is the first film in a non-English language to be nominated for Worst Picture at the Razzie Awards.

Roberto Benigni originally conceived this project as a collaboration, with Federico Fellini directing it. When Fellini died, Benigni became its director. (wow)

Awards – Won the Razzie Award for Worst Actor (Roberto Benigni, Breckin Meyer)

Nominated for the Razzie Award for Worst Picture

Nominated for the Razzie Award for Worst Screen Couple (Roberto Benigni, Nicoletta Braschi)

Nominated for the Razzie Award for Worst Director (Roberto Benigni)

Nominated for the Razzie Award for Worst Remake or Sequel

Nominated for the Razzie Award for Worst Screenplay (Vincenzo Cerami, Roberto Benigni)