1492: Conquest of Paradise Preview

Patrick puts on his glasses, but then remembers that he’s Stallone and has perfect 20/20 vision, naturally. His beautiful mind goes into overdrive and his fingers dance over the keyboard of the Apple IIe that Kyle had set up in his room. With only BASIC available and 64Kb of memory at his disposal, what he is doing is anything but basic. It’s a full blown Jamie simulation. “Hello, Patrick. So glad we can be together again,” the simulation says and the breath catches in Patrick’s throat. It’s perfect. “How can we tell if you are you?” he asks the simulation which cryptically answers “try me.” Patrick thinks long and hard and eventually has an idea. He sets up millions of situations where Jamie and Kyle meet. Try him, they will. He puts the cursor over the program he’s entitled “ConquestOfParadise.exe” and takes a deep breath. Here goes nothing.

“Welcome to the hurt locker,” Kyle says as he pulls off the blindfold he’s had Jamie wear for the trip. Jamie’s knees are quaking at the thought of his worst nightmare, but when his eyes refocus he is surprised to see they’ve arrived at the hottest waterpark in town, The River of Death. It’s 24/7/365 lazy river action at The River of Death. Kyle shrugs and admits it was all a ruse. “Let’s have some fun today… maybe that’ll loosen things up in the ol’ noggin’”. Off they rush and have quite the day. Lazy River Amazon, Lazy River Nile, Lazy River Hudson. By the end of the Danube they are Lazy River pooped. “Oh wait, now I remember what I was thinking,” Jamie says as they walk out of the park. Kyle was right, the stress of time travel really was messing with his head. “His car.”

That’s right! We are conquesting some paradise by watching the Christopher Columbus epic we know and love, 1942: Conquest of Paradise… or at least one of the Christopher Columbus epics we know and love. I’ve never really thought about watching this film, but with Ridley Scott directing it’s worth it. Pairing that up with another film with a year in the title, we are watching Knight Rider 2000. I also never really thought about watching this film, but I’m not sure why. It sounds amazing. Let’s go!

1492: Conquest of Paradise (1992) – BMeTric: 19.5; Notability: 50

StreetCreditReport.com – BMeTric: top 19.6%; Notability: top 4.4%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 21.1%; Higher BMeT: Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot, Body of Evidence, Cool World, Pet Sematary II, Children of the Corn II: The Final Sacrifice, Toys, The Lawnmower Man, Sleepwalkers, 3 Ninjas, Sidekicks, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Freejack, Tom and Jerry: The Movie, Beethoven, Aces: Iron Eagle III, Evil Toons, Ladybugs, Dr. Giggles, Christopher Columbus: The Discovery, Encino Man, and 29 more; Higher Notability: Toys, Cool World, Home Alone 2: Lost in New York, Newsies, Freejack, Tom and Jerry: The Movie, The Bodyguard, Memoirs of an Invisible Man, Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot, Innocent Blood, Universal Soldier; Lower RT: Once Upon a Crime…, Live Wire, Folks!, Frozen Assets, Love Crimes, Year of the Comet, Cool World, Man Trouble, Christopher Columbus: The Discovery, The Opposite Sex and How to Live with Them, Body of Evidence, Claire of the Moon, Passed Away, Ladybugs, Mr. Baseball, Mom and Dad Save the World, The Distinguished Gentleman, The Gun in Betty Lou’s Handbag, Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot, Tom and Jerry: The Movie, and 28 more; Notes: Surprisingly high Notability there, for a historical epic starring Depardieu at least. Otherwise not a super amount of cred.

RogerEbert.com – 3.0 stars – Still, in its own way and up to a certain point, “1492” is a satisfactory film. Depardieu lends it gravity, the supporting performances are convincing, the locations are realistic, and we are inspired to reflect that it did indeed take a certain nerve to sail off into nowhere just because an orange was round.

(Ebert liked this one as well?! That’s a stunner. I would definitely have thought sheer boredom would have doomed it for him. I can’t imagine it is “good for what it is” in any capacity.)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bmnLrzG2zKw/

(Is this a real trailer? This film gets a weird hip hop beat trailer, and a “ONE MAN” voiceover. That is insane.)

DirectorsRidley Scott – ( Known For: Gladiator; Alien; House of Gucci; The Last Duel; Robin Hood; Blade Runner; Prometheus; Legend; Thelma & Louise; The Martian; Alien: Covenant; Black Hawk Down; American Gangster; G.I. Jane; Body of Lies; All the Money in the World; Black Rain; Matchstick Men; The Duellists; White Squall; Future BMT: Hannibal; Kingdom of Heaven; Exodus: Gods and Kings; The Counselor; A Good Year; BMT: 1492: Conquest of Paradise; Notes: Nominated for four Oscars (The Martian, Black Hawk Down, Gladiator, and Thelma & Louise). His brother Tony Scott was also a big name director.)

WritersRose Bosch – ( Known For: The Roundup; My Summer in Provence; Bimboland; BMT: 1492: Conquest of Paradise; Notes: Wow, so she is Spanish and came across Columbus’ correspondences while in Seville as a reporter. The film was then created specifically to coincide with the 500th anniversary of Columbus landing in the Americas. That’s a crazy story.)

ActorsGérard Depardieu – ( Known For: Life of Pi; Going Places; Hamlet; Last Holiday; Lost Illusions; Asterix & Obelix: Mission Cleopatra; La Vie en Rose; 1900; Paris, je t’aime; Maigret; Cyrano de Bergerac; Asterix and Obelix vs. Caesar; Green Card; Nathalie…; Let the Sunshine In; How Much Do You Love Me?; Mesrine: Killer Instinct; Jean de Florette; Asterix at the Olympic Games; City of Ghosts; Future BMT: The Man in the Iron Mask; 102 Dalmatians; My Father the Hero; BMT: 1492: Conquest of Paradise; Babylon A.D.; Notes: Nominated for an Oscar for Cyrano de Bergerac. That was 1990, so this film really is just coming on the heels of that when his cred is sky high with American audiences. It should be said that he’s said in interviews that he has raped people and that things were different in the 80s or whatever. It is pretty nuts. Read his wiki if you are curious.)

Armand Assante – ( Known For: American Gangster; The Road to El Dorado; Smile; Private Benjamin; Little Darlings; Prophecy; The Lords of Flatbush; Dead Man Down; Hoffa; Q&A; Paradise Alley; When Nietzsche Wept; The Match; The Mambo Kings; I, the Jury; Funny Money; Diamond Cartel; The Neighborhood; Chicago Overcoat; The Line; Future BMT: Two for the Money; Unfaithfully Yours; Trial by Jury; BMT: Striptease; Judge Dredd; 1492: Conquest of Paradise; Fatal Instinct; The Marrying Man; Notes: Won an Emmy for Gotti (playing Gotti) and was nominated for Jack the Ripper as well. He’s one of those actors who was huge in the 90s and then just dropped right off into straight-to-video in the 00s almost immediately.)

Sigourney Weaver – ( Known For: Avatar; Ghostbusters; Ghostbusters: Afterlife; The Good House; Alien; The Cabin in the Woods; Aliens; Call Jane; Ghostbusters: Answer the Call; Ghostbusters II; The Village; WALL·E; Holes; Alien³; Galaxy Quest; Alien: Resurrection; Master Gardener; Working Girl; Paul; Annie Hall; Future BMT: Exodus: Gods and Kings; Chappie; You Again; Vantage Point; The Cold Light of Day; Happily N’Ever After; Deal of the Century; BMT: 1492: Conquest of Paradise; Abduction; Notes: Nominated for three Oscars (Gorillas in the Mist, Working Girl, and Aliens). The first two were in the same year too. She’s playing like a kid in the next Avatar? It is insanity.)

Budget/Gross – $47,000,000 / Domestic: $7,191,399 (Worldwide: $7,191,399)

(What a disaster. What a complete disaster. But how? How is a realistic film about Columbus making like $100 million?)

Rotten Tomatoes – 32% (7/22): Historically inaccurate and dramatically inert, Ridley Scott’s retelling of Christopher Columbus’ exploits is an epic without grandeur or insight.

(Yeah for a film that wants to be gritty and realistic the stories about them just making stuff up is kind of wild in the end.)

Reviewer Highlight: This $50 million spectacle must be one of the least entertaining epic films ever made. – David Ansen, Newsweek

Poster – 1492: Close Enough

(I like the vibrant colors, but the whole poster seems like a bunch of nonsense. Just like a due with a sword running through some water and some terrible font. C+.)

Tagline(s) – Centuries before the exploration of space, there was another voyage into the unknown. (F is for Funny)

(Wooooooah. Legendary. It’s like a little short story. Really crazy this is the tagline. I like to extend this analogy out a little. It’s like Topher Columbus going around to the US government and being like “Yo, I think Mars is way closer than the math says, let me try to get there.” And then him flying to the moon and being like “Wooooah, I found Mars!” Make that the tagline.)

Keyword(s) – past

Top 10: The Shawshank Redemption (1994), Forrest Gump (1994), The Dark Knight Rises (2012), Django Unchained (2012), Gladiator (2000), Inglourious Basterds (2009), Saving Private Ryan (1998), Schindler’s List (1993), The Prestige (2006), Shutter Island (2010)

Future BMT: 88.7 BloodRayne (2005), 73.0 The Unborn (2009), 70.4 Texas Chainsaw (2013), 70.2 Black Christmas (2006), 67.4 Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III (1993), 66.0 The Woman in Black 2: Angel of Death (2014), 64.6 The Final Destination (2009), 62.1 The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor (2008), 59.8 Exorcist: The Beginning (2004), 56.8 Robin Hood (2018), 55.1 Annabelle (2014), 54.9 The Quiet Ones (2014), 54.5 Snow Dogs (2002), 53.8 Spy Hard (1996), 53.2 Porky’s Revenge (1985), 52.4 2016: Obama’s America (2012), 52.1 Radhe Shyam (2022), 51.6 Porky’s II: The Next Day (1983), 50.2 Halloween Kills (2021), 50.2 The Last Legion (2007)

BMT: Epic Movie (2007), Superman IV: The Quest for Peace (1987), The Fog (2005), Movie 43 (2013), Super Mario Bros. (1993), Glitter (2001), Holmes & Watson (2018), The Master of Disguise (2002), The Legend of Hercules (2014), Grease 2 (1982), The Bye Bye Man (2017), Jonah Hex (2010), Freddy’s Dead: The Final Nightmare (1991), Wild Wild West (1999), Highlander: The Final Dimension (1994), The Ridiculous 6 (2015), Highlander: Endgame (2000), Black Knight (2001), Chernobyl Diaries (2012), A Nightmare on Elm Street 5: The Dream Child (1989), Cool World (1992), The Musketeer (2001), An American Haunting (2005), Apollo 18 (2011), Ishtar (1987), The Curse of La Llorona (2019), Hellraiser: Bloodline (1996), The Nun (2018), Pinocchio (2002), Bolero (1984), Bones (2001), Shanghai Surprise (1986), Return to the Blue Lagoon (1991), House of Wax (2005), Season of the Witch (2011), The Tuxedo (2002), Mannequin: On the Move (1991), Pompeii (2014), Ghost Ship (2002), Assassin’s Creed (2016), The Scarlet Letter (1995), Dolittle (2020), Timeline (2003), The Quest (1996), X-Men: Dark Phoenix (2019), Wagons East (1994), The Three Musketeers (2011), Diana (2013), Ben-Hur (2016), Rambo III (1988), Around the World in 80 Days (2004), The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning (2006), The Blue Lagoon (1980), Cutthroat Island (1995), Texas Rangers (2001), Sucker Punch (2011), Captain Corelli’s Mandolin (2001), Jobs (2013), Dirty Dancing: Havana Nights (2004), Friday the 13th Part 2 (1981), Original Sin (2001), Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters (2013), American Outlaws (2001), Universal Soldier (1992), Winter’s Tale (2014), Harlem Nights (1989), I Dreamed of Africa (2000), Pearl Harbor (2001), The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (2003), The Identical (2014), The Chamber (1996), The Marrying Man (1991), Wild Bill (1995), In Love and War (1996), Sleepaway Camp (1983), Gods and Generals (2003), The Lone Ranger (2013), X-Men Origins: Wolverine (2009), 1492: Conquest of Paradise (1992), Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales (2017), Rambo: First Blood Part II (1985), Halloween II (1981), September Dawn (2007), Young Guns II (1990), Oscar (1991), Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides (2011), Evening (2007), The 13th Warrior (1999), White Comanche (1968), Gangster Squad (2013), Now and Then (1995), A Dog’s Purpose (2017)

Best Options (year-in-title): 19.5 1492: Conquest of Paradise (1992)

(The best option sub cycle thing is kind of fake. That is, I knew I wanted to do films with a year in the title (aka an A+ film set in the past), but I also knew the option of 1492 already existed. The eventual choice of Knight Rider 2000 was with the knowledge that we obviously also had good straight-to-video / tv movie options for films set in the future as well.)

Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 14) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Armand Assante is No. 2 billed in 1492: Conquest of Paradise and No. 3 billed in Judge Dredd, which also stars Sylvester Stallone (No. 1 billed) who is in The Expendables 3 (No. 1 billed) which also stars Jason Statham (No. 2 billed) who is in In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale (No. 1 billed) which also stars Leelee Sobieski (No. 3 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 1 billed) => (2 + 3) + (1 + 1) + (2 + 1) + (3 + 1) = 14. If we were to watch The Glass House we can get the HoE Number down to 11.

Notes – The replicas of Columbus’ ships used in the film were built in Spain between 1990 and 1992. In 1992 they sailed the route of Columbus’ first voyage to commemorate to 500th anniversary of the discovery of America. Today they are exhibited in Palos de la Frontera, Spain, and they are visited by approximately 200.000 people each year.

Hans Zimmer was originally chosen to compose the music for the film until Sir Ridley Scott decided to approach Vangelis.

Screenwriter Rose Bosch got the idea for the project when she discovered millions of untranslated parchments while researching an article on Columbus. After joining forces with a French film executive, she finally found an interested director in Sir Ridley Scott, who had always wanted to make a movie about Columbus. Scott agreed to direct the film on one condition: Columbus must be played by Gérard Depardieu. Depardieu was contacted, and eager to take the part.

The film was released in France on October 12, 1992, 500 years to the day after Christopher Columbus’ expedition made landfall in the Caribbean and landed on the island of Guanahani. This was the first land in the New World sighted and visited by Columbus.

The film shot for 16 weeks.

The original title was simply “Columbus”.

This project was concurrently developed with Alexander and Ilya Salkind’s Christopher Columbus: The Discovery (1992) to be released on time for the 500th anniversary of Columbus’ voyage. The Salkinds’ first choice for director for their film was Sir Ridley Scott. Four months after rejecting their offer, Scott started working on a rival “Christopher Columbus” project which ultimately became 1492: Conquest of Paradise (1992). As a consequence of this, the Salkinds unsuccessfully tried to sue Scott for stealing their idea. They were forced to drop their lawsuit when it was proved that “1492”s producer Alain Goldman and writer Roselyne Bosch’s first proposal of a Christopher Columbus project predated theirs.

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Pearl Harbor Preview

A few hours later Patrick and Kyle bid farewell to the maidens. At first Patrick thought he would have to put on his glasses and explain the way of the world to them. Take on that mentor role he’s sure Stallone has always craved. But soon the tables were turned. They had not only cured Patrick’s crippling writer’s block, but also bought and sold Stallone’s extensive wine collection at an immense profit. They taught Kyle how to fly a kite, lambada, and steal cable. By the time they were finished they really didn’t feel like having steamy sex with a random movie star. “You’re actually kinda… lame,” one of them admits, “but in a nice way.” Patrick smiles. It’s funny how you can learn something new, even when it’s all already happened, Patrick thinks. Suddenly his wheels are turning. History… history repeats itself. “Kid,” he says to Kyle, “buckle up, cause we’re going historical.”

Kyle stands in front of his lecture hall, chalk covering his hands. He breathes heavily as he finishes the diagram. Turning back to Jamie he says in a slow, deliberate voice, “OK, so let’s imagine you are a bad guy, right?” Jamie nods. “And not one with big muscles, sweet dance moves, or… uh,” he squints closer at the list he’s written detailing every way Jamie might obtain the Obsidian Dongle, “‘Jorts for days’, whatever that is. Right?” Jamie nods again, seems pretty straightforward. “So,” Kyle says dramatically, “how might you get the Dongle?” A light suddenly goes off in Jamie’s head, “I would pretend I’m not a bad guy at all.” Kyle gets excited and encourages him to keep going. “And then I would… I would…” he dramatically pauses, “nope, no… it slipped away.” Kyle snaps his chalk in half.

That’s right! We are going historical and watching a little Pearl Harbor. I have somehow seen this film several times in my life, which is really making me reflect on a lot of choices I’ve made. But we’ve never watched it for BMT so… *sigh* here we go again. As for the fried, we’re pairing it like a fine wine with Slipstream starring none other than Mark Hamill. He looks real nuts on the poster and that’s enough for us. Let’s go!

Pearl Harbor (2001) – BMeTric: 27.9; Notability: 193

StreetCreditReport.com – BMeTric: top 24.0%; Notability: top 0.0%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 22.6%; Higher BMeT: Glitter, Jason X, Freddy Got Fingered, Driven, The Animal, Ghosts of Mars, Black Knight, Valentine, Crocodile Dundee in Los Angeles, Soul Survivors, Monkeybone, The Musketeer, Corky Romano, Scary Movie 2, The Wedding Planner, Bones, Summer Catch, The Order, Say It Isn’t So, The Wash, and 40 more; Lower RT: Nobody’s Baby, Texas Rangers, Soul Survivors, Glitter, All the Queen’s Men, Corky Romano, The Forsaken, Summer Catch, The Wash, Out Cold, Say It Isn’t So, Joe Dirt, Head Over Heels, Megiddo: The Omega Code 2, What’s the Worst That Could Happen?, Freddy Got Fingered, Crocodile Dundee in Los Angeles, Perfume, The Musketeer, Valentine, and 33 more; Notes: Jesus Christo. Nearly 200 notability. Watch the film though, there are legit famous people who appear out of nowhere to speak one line and you’re like “is that Mr. Darcy from Married with Children?!”

RogerEbert.com – 1.5 stars – “Pearl Harbor” is a two-hour movie squeezed into three hours, about how on Dec. 7, 1941, the Japanese staged a surprise attack on an American love triangle. Its centerpiece is 40 minutes of redundant special effects, surrounded by a love story of stunning banality. The film has been directed without grace, vision, or originality, and although you may walk out quoting lines of dialog, it will not be because you admire them.

(Boom, roasted! But that is a complaint I feel like is warranted with a lot of, frankly, boring bad movies. That they had an hour long movie that was good, and then they needed to stretch it to feature length and it got boring or the third act fell apart. The difference here is they probably had a perfectly good (if intense) 2 hour film that is somewhat ruined by making it a 3 hour epic.)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zf3KAiimeUg/

(You could be forgiven for not realizing Harnett and Beckinsale are also in the military. Also, Voight’s bizarre FDR performance being so heavily featured in this trailing is a bit insane as well. Still … kind of gets you amped for it.)

DirectorsMichael Bay – ( Known For: Ambulance; Transformers; 6 Underground; The Rock; 13 Hours; Bad Boys; Pain & Gain; Future BMT: The Island; Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen; Transformers: Dark of the Moon; Bad Boys II; BMT: Armageddon; Transformers: The Last Knight; Pearl Harbor; Transformers: Age of Extinction; Razzie Notes: Winner for Worst Director in 2010 for Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen; and in 2015 for Transformers: Age of Extinction; and Nominee for Worst Director in 1999 for Armageddon; in 2002 for Pearl Harbor; in 2012 for Transformers: Dark of the Moon; and in 2018 for Transformers: The Last Knight; Notes: Bay has kind of retired? It is hard to tell, he’s released two films in five years, both to streaming. He still works, but after the most recent iteration on Transformers it feels a bit like he’s lost the magic. He’s a huge producer though.)

WritersRandall Wallace – ( Known For: Braveheart; We Were Soldiers; Heaven Is for Real; Future BMT: The Man in the Iron Mask; BMT: Pearl Harbor; Razzie Notes: Nominee for Worst Screenplay for Pearl Harbor in 2002; Notes: Military writer. I would have expected him to have been in the military, but nope. Majored in religion at Duke. Has written seven books as well (although some are novelizations of his films). Nominated for an Oscar for Pearl Harbor.)

ActorsBen Affleck – ( Known For: Gone Girl; Clerks III; Deep Water; Good Will Hunting; The Last Duel; Dazed and Confused; Zack Snyder’s Justice League; The Accountant; The Town; Argo; Dogma; He’s Just Not That Into You; Daredevil; Triple Frontier; The Tender Bar; Shakespeare in Love; The Sum of All Fears; Field of Dreams; State of Play; School Ties; Future BMT: Suicide Squad; Justice League; Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice; Buffy the Vampire Slayer; Smokin’ Aces; Live by Night; 200 Cigarettes; Surviving Christmas; BMT: Armageddon; Pearl Harbor; Paycheck; Gigli; Reindeer Games; Runner Runner; Phantoms; Razzie Notes: Winner for Worst Actor in 2004 for Daredevil, Gigli, and Paycheck; Winner for Worst Screen Combo for Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice in 2017; Winner for Worst Screen Couple for Gigli in 2004; Nominee for Worst Actor in 2002 for Pearl Harbor; in 2005 for Jersey Girl, and Surviving Christmas; and in 2017 for Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice; Nominee for Worst Supporting Actor for The Last Duel in 2022; Nominee for Worst Actor of the Decade in 2010 for Daredevil, Gigli, Jersey Girl, Paycheck, Pearl Harbor, and Surviving Christmas; and Nominee for Worst Screen Couple in 1999 for Armageddon; in 2002 for Pearl Harbor; and in 2005 for Jersey Girl; Notes: Won two Oscars, for writing Good Will Hunting, and for producing Argo. Famously dated J-Lo (as Bennifer), and more recently they got back together and married in July.)

Kate Beckinsale – ( Known For: The Aviator; Jolt; Serendipity; Much Ado About Nothing; Laurel Canyon; Vacancy; Love & Friendship; The Only Living Boy in New York; Contraband; Stonehearst Asylum; Absolutely Anything; The Last Days of Disco; Nothing But the Truth; Everybody’s Fine; Haunted; Royal Deceit; Farming; The Trials of Cate McCall; The Face of an Angel; Snow Angels; Future BMT: Van Helsing; Underworld; Click; Total Recall; Underworld: Blood Wars; Underworld: Evolution; Underworld: Rise of the Lycans; Underworld: Awakening; Brokedown Palace; The Disappointments Room; BMT: Pearl Harbor; Tiptoes; Whiteout; Razzie Notes: Nominee for Worst Screen Couple for Pearl Harbor in 2002; Notes: British. Went to New College, Oxford majoring in French and Russian Literature before dropping out to pursue acting. Is the lead in the entire Underworld series, which we’ve never done for BMT somehow.)

Josh Hartnett – ( Known For: Wrath of Man; Operation Fortune: Ruse de guerre; Sin City; Black Hawk Down; Halloween H20: 20 Years Later; The Faculty; The Virgin Suicides; 30 Days of Night; Lucky Number Slevin; Wild Horses; The Ottoman Lieutenant; Ida Red; Most Wanted; O; Blow Dry; 6 Below: Miracle on the Mountain; Resurrecting the Champ; Bunraku; Valley of the Gods; She’s Missing; Future BMT: 40 Days and 40 Nights; The Black Dahlia; BMT: Pearl Harbor; Wicker Park; Hollywood Homicide; Here on Earth; Town & Country; Razzie Notes: Nominee for Worst Screen Couple for Pearl Harbor in 2002; Notes: Multiple BMT Love Triangle Award Winner (for Here on Earth and now Pearl Harbor). In 2002 he moved back to Minnesota and semi-retired from acting, but has gone back to acting a bit in recent years.)

Budget/Gross – $140,000,000 / Domestic: $198,542,554 (Worldwide: $449,220,945)

(I mean, that’s just fine indeed. I guess they were maybe looking for Armageddon money, so they missed by a little ($100 million worldwide difference), but surely Pearl Harbor would have expected to be less well received internationally right?)

Rotten Tomatoes – 24% (46/194): Pearl Harbor tries to be the Titanic of war movies, but it’s just a tedious romance filled with laughably bad dialogue. The 40 minute action sequence is spectacular though.

(Yeah, this is pretty much right. The bits where you see actual Pearl Harbor action are amazing. The bit where you see intense Love Triangle action, not so much.)

Reviewer Highlight: The bombs explode brilliantly but the story is a bust in “Pearl Harbor.” – Todd McCarthy, Variety

Poster – Love Triangle: The Movie

(This seems very appropriate for a Michael Bay film about Pearl Harbor. We gonna get some planes and smoke and not know what the hell is happening probably. Hate the font and it just looks dark and dingy. C-.)

Tagline(s) – It takes a moment to change history. It takes love to change lives. (B-)

(I don’t see any tagline on the poster, but I’m sure this was used somewhere. It was the better of the two listed. Still somewhat laughable of a tagline for Pearl Harbor. Obviously this is a love story, but I feel like Pearl Harbor still overshadowed it a bit. Not like everyone’s looking around at the end being like “sure that was a big event, but gosh darn it those kids are gonna make it and that’s what’s really important.” No, the event was also quite important.)

Keyword(s) – past

Top 10: The Shawshank Redemption (1994), Forrest Gump (1994), The Dark Knight Rises (2012), Django Unchained (2012), Gladiator (2000), Inglourious Basterds (2009), Saving Private Ryan (1998), Schindler’s List (1993), The Prestige (2006), Shutter Island (2010)

Future BMT: 88.7 BloodRayne (2005), 73.0 The Unborn (2009), 70.4 Texas Chainsaw (2013), 70.2 Black Christmas (2006), 69.9 Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III (1993), 65.9 The Woman in Black 2: Angel of Death (2014), 64.6 The Final Destination (2009), 62.1 The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor (2008), 59.8 Exorcist: The Beginning (2004), 56.8 Robin Hood (2018), 55.1 Annabelle (2014), 54.9 The Quiet Ones (2014), 54.5 Snow Dogs (2002), 53.8 Spy Hard (1996), 53.1 Porky’s Revenge (1985), 52.4 2016: Obama’s America (2012), 52.1 Radhe Shyam (2022), 51.6 Porky’s II: The Next Day (1983), 50.2 The Last Legion (2007), 50.1 Halloween Kills (2021) … (and many more)

BMT: Epic Movie (2007), Superman IV: The Quest for Peace (1987), The Fog (2005), Movie 43 (2013), Super Mario Bros. (1993), Glitter (2001), Holmes & Watson (2018), The Master of Disguise (2002), The Legend of Hercules (2014), Grease 2 (1982), The Bye Bye Man (2017), Jonah Hex (2010), Freddy’s Dead: The Final Nightmare (1991), Wild Wild West (1999), Highlander: The Final Dimension (1994), The Ridiculous 6 (2015), Highlander: Endgame (2000), Black Knight (2001), Chernobyl Diaries (2012), A Nightmare on Elm Street 5: The Dream Child (1989), Cool World (1992), The Musketeer (2001), An American Haunting (2005), Apollo 18 (2011), Ishtar (1987), The Curse of La Llorona (2019), The Nun (2018), Pinocchio (2002), Hellraiser: Bloodline (1996), Bolero (1984), Bones (2001), Shanghai Surprise (1986), Return to the Blue Lagoon (1991), House of Wax (2005), Season of the Witch (2011), The Tuxedo (2002), Mannequin: On the Move (1991), Pompeii (2014), Ghost Ship (2002), Assassin’s Creed (2016), The Scarlet Letter (1995), Dolittle (2020), Timeline (2003), The Quest (1996), X-Men: Dark Phoenix (2019), Wagons East (1994), The Three Musketeers (2011), Diana (2013), Ben-Hur (2016), Rambo III (1988), Around the World in 80 Days (2004), The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning (2006), The Blue Lagoon (1980), Cutthroat Island (1995), Texas Rangers (2001), Sucker Punch (2011), Captain Corelli’s Mandolin (2001), Jobs (2013), Dirty Dancing: Havana Nights (2004), Friday the 13th Part 2 (1981), Original Sin (2001), Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters (2013), American Outlaws (2001), Universal Soldier (1992), Winter’s Tale (2014), Harlem Nights (1989), I Dreamed of Africa (2000), Pearl Harbor (2001), The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (2003), The Identical (2014), The Chamber (1996), The Marrying Man (1991), Wild Bill (1995), In Love and War (1996), Sleepaway Camp (1983), Gods and Generals (2003), The Lone Ranger (2013), X-Men Origins: Wolverine (2009), Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales (2017), Rambo: First Blood Part II (1985), Halloween II (1981), September Dawn (2007), Young Guns II (1990), Oscar (1991), Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides (2011), Evening (2007), The 13th Warrior (1999), White Comanche (1968), Gangster Squad (2013), Now and Then (1995), A Dog’s Purpose (2017)

Best Options (senseless): 46.4 The Black Dahlia (2006), 42.4 Insidious: The Last Key (2018), 27.9 Pearl Harbor (2001), 27.7 Knowing (2009), 26.3 If Looks Could Kill (1991), 23.8 Welcome to Marwen (2018), 19.3 National Treasure: Book of Secrets (2007), 2.0 The Five Heartbeats (1991)

(Basically you want to do Harnett is what it is saying. And we finally had to do Pearl Harbor … I mean, officially, I’ve seen this film three times now. Ten hours of my life has been spent watching Pearl Harbor. May god have mercy on my soul.)

Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 6) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Josh Hartnett is No. 3 billed in Pearl Harbor and No. 3 billed in Here on Earth, => (3 + 3) = 6. There is no shorter path at the moment.

Notes – When shooting the scene where Rafe (Ben Affleck) and Danny (Josh Hartnett) manage to get off the ground during the attack, and are chased by three Japanese Zeroes, one of the real planes clipped a palm tree and crashed. The pilot was dazed, and suffered only a broken finger.

Jon Voight wore duplicates of the steel leg-braces that President Franklin D. Roosevelt had to wear. As a result, Voight suffered from bruising and chafing on his legs for weeks after finishing his work for the film.

The character portrayed by Cuba Gooding Jr., Doris “Dorie” Miller, was the first African-American to be awarded the Navy Cross. He was later assigned to the escort carrier Liscome Bay. He was reported missing in action in November 1943, when it was torpedoed during the Battle of Makin Island.

Ben Affleck’s grandfather declined to see the film, explaining that he wasn’t interested in reliving the war in any way, shape, or form.

The scene that shows the Japanese planes attacking the hospital caused a great uproar, both in Japan and among Pearl Harbor veterans, because it never happened. The Japanese pilots were under strict orders not to attack civilian targets. Survivors note that even when the Japanese had a straight line of attack, they never attacked the hospital itself. Director Michael Bay said he added the scene to make the attack seem more barbaric.

To simulate the U.S.S. Oklahoma capsizing, the crew constructed the world’s largest-ever gimbal. It took special effects supervisor John Frazier four months to design, and four more months for he and production designer Nigel Phelps to build. It was made of pure steel and weighed 700,000 pounds. It could rise 25 degrees into the air, and do a 180 degree barrel turn. In the film, as the Oklahoma rolls over, the back 450 feet is CGI, but the front portion is the real gimbal, with over 150 real stuntmen on it.

The shots of the series of six explosions in Battleship Row were filmed by 14 cameras, and were actually staged on real Navy ships. While on a location scout above Pearl Harbor, Michael Bay looked down and saw a line of ships doing nothing. He learned that the ships were part of the inactive fleet, and so he decided to use them for the explosions. The charges were put on the real ships on plywood for protection, with 700 sticks of dynamite, 2,000 feet of cord, and 4,000 gallons of gasoline used. The six 600-foot ship explosions took a month and a half to rig (with 500 individual bombs on each boat). During the scene, over 100 extras were in the harbor, and six real planes had to fly past the ships. In total, the shots took seven months of coordination among every department on the film, the state of Hawaii, the Environmental Protection Agency, and the U.S. Navy to ensure everything went off without a hitch. In the end, the explosions themselves lasted only seven seconds, and comprised only 12 seconds of on-screen time.

For the scenes of the Japanese planes taking off, an American carrier was used. According to Michael Bay, this greatly offended some of the Pearl Harbor survivors, who felt it dishonored the dead. Bay, however, pointed out to them that they destroyed all of the Japanese carriers later in the war, so an American carrier had to be used. He says that when he pointed this out, they agreed to the use of the American carrier.

Earned a place in the “Guinness Book of World Records” for the movie with the most explosives used.

The film has four pure CGI shots: the bomb falling toward the U.S.S. Arizona, two shots of the Arizona exploding as it jumps up in the water, and the two Japanese Mitsubishi A6M Zeroes’ pitching down towards Battleship Row.

In the camera shots during the Doolittle Raid, where it appears the actors are actually flying the planes, they actually are. No CG was used. Alec Baldwin, Josh Hartnett, and Ben Affleck were all given basic flight training, so they could handle the planes. To get the various shots of the actors in the pilot’s seat, the “real” pilot would simply pilot the plane to the desired destination and then the actor would take over while the camera crew moved alongside to get the shot. After this the real pilot would take over.

The total amount of money spent on production and promotion roughly equaled the amount of damage caused in the actual attack.

Jerry Bruckheimer and Michael Bay agreed to give up $4 million in salary, in return for a cut of the box-office, to get the budget down. The film’s stars also took a drop in salaries, in return for a cut of the box-office, for the same reason.

According to Michael Fassbender, this was the first film he ever auditioned for. He went for one of the leads.

The film’s premiere was held at Pearl Harbor, aboard the carrier U.S.S. John Stennis. Bleachers were set up on the flight deck, and the hangar bay was converted into a 1940s-style nightclub for the after party.

As of 2017, it’s the only film directed by Michael Bay to ever win an Oscar (for Best Sound Editing).

The production budget, $140 million, was, at the time, the largest ever given to a movie before filming started.

Awards – Winner for the Oscar for Best Sound Editing (Christopher Boyes, George Watters II, 2002)

Nominee for the Oscar for Best Music, Original Song (Diane Warren, 2002)

Nominee for the Oscar for Best Sound (Peter J. Devlin, Greg P. Russell, Kevin O’Connell, 2002)

Nominee for the Oscar for Best Effects, Visual Effects (Eric Brevig, John Frazier, Edward Hirsh, Ben Snow, 2002)

Nominee for the Razzie Award for Worst Actor of the Decade (Ben Affleck, 2010)

Nominee for the Razzie Award for Worst Picture (2002)

Nominee for the Razzie Award for Worst Actor (Ben Affleck, 2002)

Nominee for the Razzie Award for Worst Screen Couple (Ben Affleck, Kate Beckinsale, Josh Hartnett, 2002)

Nominee for the Razzie Award for Worst Remake or Sequel (2002)

Nominee for the Razzie Award for Worst Director (Michael Bay, 2002)

Nominee for the Razzie Award for Worst Screenplay (Randall Wallace, 2002)

Bolero Preview

Patrick and Kyle amble about the local Planetarium. The darkness makes it a perfect place to hide out. No fans mobbing him for Stallone’s autograph, no police asking him dumb questions about kidnapping. “This is nice, Mr. Stallone, but did you say we were here for a reason?” Patrick looks at him confused, “oh right… space and time… so like a wormhole?” He waits to see if that makes any sense. “That’s dumb, isn’t it?” Kyle nods. Patrick sits glumly on a bench and ponders his next move. If Jamie was here he’s sure they’d figure this out together. Instead he just has this dumb kid around. But just before he can tell Kyle how dumb he is a couple of fine looking ladies approach. “Excuse me, are you Sly Stallone?” they ask. Patrick nods, even though it’s not really true. “Oh my God!” one of them says, “I was just telling my friend that my only dream in the world is to have steamy sex with a big movie star like Sly Stallone.” Patrick is startled at their candor.

“It’s not about what we do. It’s about what you do?” Kyle tries to explain. “Imagine you are actually a bad guy who wants the Dongle, what would you do?” Jamie nods in understanding, “I would take it from you with my big muscles.” But when he looks at his shriveled 80-year-old arms he realizes that’s probably wrong. “No,” Kyle says exasperated, “you would say that you’re actually my long lost friend, right?” Jamie looks incredulous. “But I am your long lost friend.” Kyle throws up his hands in despair. Jamie sighs, if Patrick were here it wouldn’t be so hard. A panic overwhelms him. For the first time he wonders out loud, “But what if I’m Frank Stallone forever?”

That’s right! We’re finally watching Bolero, the Bo Derek film that pretty much ended her career as a feature film lead actress. We tend to avoid the non-thriller erotic films that Hollywood has churned out. But like Blame it on Rio, sometimes the idea is so bad you gotta do it. We are pairing it with another George Kennedy vehicle, The Terror Within, which looked like a fun post-apocalyptic horror film. Let’s go!

Bolero (1984) – BMeTric: 58.0; Notability: 21

StreetCreditReport.com – BMeTric: top 1.2%; Notability: top 10.8%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 0.0%; Higher BMeT: Supergirl, Rhinestone, The Hills Have Eyes Part II; Higher Notability: Cannonball Run II, Supergirl, City Heat, Protocol, Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo, The River, Unfaithfully Yours, Conan the Destroyer, The Woman in Red, Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter, Firstborn, Sheena, Rhinestone, American Dreamer, The Ice Pirates, Reckless, Exterminator 2, Firestarter, C.H.U.D., Breakin’, and 7 more; Notes: Oh yeah, that’s right, it’s a true blue 0% on Rotten Tomatoes film. And the BMeTric is solid to boot. That’s some cred.

RogerEbert.com – 0.5 stars – Let’s face it. Nobody is going to “Bolero” for the plot anyway. They’re going for the Good Parts. There are two Good Parts, not counting her naked ride on horseback, which was the only scene in the movie that had me wondering how she did it. The real future of “Bolero” is in home cassette rentals, where your fast forward and instant replay controls will supply the editing job the movie so desperately needs.

(Gross, but also true. Just saying it how it is Ebert. No one can fault you for that. And 0.5 is more than fair for this weirdo film.)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PpAk1A04gng/

(Dares to be different. Dares to be daring. LOL. That is one way of saying this movie is undeniably terrible … but it is borderline porn, so there we go.)

DirectorsJohn Derek – ( Known For: Tarzan the Ape Man; Ghosts Can’t Do It; Fantasies; Once Before I Die; Nightmare in the Sun; A Boy… a Girl; Childish Things; BMT: Bolero; Razzie Notes: Winner for Worst Director in 1985 for Bolero; and in 1991 for Ghosts Can’t Do It; Winner for Worst Screenplay for Bolero in 1985; Nominee for Worst Director for Tarzan the Ape Man in 1982; and Nominee for Worst Screenplay for Ghosts Can’t Do It in 1991; Notes: Yeah, so John Derek and Bo Derek met when she was seventeen and they moved to Germany and then Mexico in order to make sure he didn’t get arrested for statutory rape until Bo Derek turned eighteen.)

WritersJohn Derek – ( Known For: Ghosts Can’t Do It; Fantasies; A Boy… a Girl; BMT: Bolero; Razzie Notes: Winner for Worst Director in 1985 for Bolero; and in 1991 for Ghosts Can’t Do It; Winner for Worst Screenplay for Bolero in 1985; Nominee for Worst Director for Tarzan the Ape Man in 1982; and Nominee for Worst Screenplay for Ghosts Can’t Do It in 1991; Notes: Was an actor mostly, including appearing in The Ten Commandments. He wrote and directed later in life.)

ActorsBo Derek – ( Known For: Tommy Boy; 10; Tarzan the Ape Man; Orca; Ghosts Can’t Do It; Woman of Desire; Fantasies; 5 Weddings; People Cover Story: Bachelorette Baby Boom; Highland Park; Frozen with Fear; Sognando la California; Future BMT: Malibu’s Most Wanted; BMT: The Master of Disguise; Bolero; A Change of Seasons; Razzie Notes: Winner for Worst Actress in 1982 for Mommie Dearest, and Tarzan the Ape Man; in 1985 for Bolero; and in 1991 for Ghosts Can’t Do It; Winner for Worst Actress of the Decade in 1990 for Bolero, and Tarzan the Ape Man; Nominee for Worst Supporting Actress in 1996 for Tommy Boy; and in 2003 for The Master of Disguise; Nominee for Worst Actress of the Century in 2000 for Bolero, Ghosts Can’t Do It, and Tarzan the Ape Man; and Nominee for Worst Picture of the Decade for Bolero in 1990; Notes: Was notably older than her step children when she met and married John Derek. She mostly acted in her husband’s productions early in her career.)

George Kennedy – ( Known For: The Naked Gun: From the Files of Police Squad!; The Dirty Dozen; Cool Hand Luke; Small Soldiers; Death on the Nile; Charade; The Flight of the Phoenix; The Eiger Sanction; Naked Gun 33 1/3: The Final Insult; Thunderbolt and Lightfoot; The Naked Gun 2½: The Smell of Fear; The Gambler; Earthquake; Hush…Hush, Sweet Charlotte; Shenandoah; In Harm’s Way; Airport; Airport ’77; The Boston Strangler; Airport 1975; Future BMT: Creepshow 2; The Delta Force; View from the Top; BMT: Bolero; Razzie Notes: Nominee for Worst Supporting Actor for Bolero in 1985; Notes: Won an Oscar for Cool Hand Luke for Supporting Actor. He then became a pretty big B-movie actor in the 80s in things like Hired to Kill and Brain Dead.)

Andrea Occhipinti – ( Known For: The Sea Inside; The New York Ripper; Miranda; Conquest; A Blade in the Dark; The Family; Priest of Love; Más allá del jardín; Control; The Jeweller’s Shop; Amor de hombre; Who Killed Pasolini?; Queens; Horses; Tracce di vita amorosa; Preferisco il rumore del mare; BMT: Bolero; Razzie Notes: Nominee for Worst New Star for Bolero in 1985; Notes: Is Italian, although in this film he plays a Spanish person.)

Budget/Gross – $7 million / Domestic: $8,914,881 (Worldwide: $8,914,881)

(That’s not awesome, but again, I’m pretty skeptical of the budget. Also while early, it almost certainly made money eventually on home video or late-night cable packages.)

Rotten Tomatoes – 0% (0/23): Bolero combines a ludicrous storyline and wildly mismatched cast in its desperate attempts to titillate, but only succeeds in arousing boredom.

(That is a ton of reviews to still have 0%. And not surprising after watching this film. It is insanely weird, boring, and bad.)

Reviewer Highlight: Poor Bo no sooner has her initial introduction to amour than the new lover gets gored in a sensitive location, putting him out of commission. – Variety

Poster – Nolero

(I’m not sure what to say about this. It’s abstract and artsy in a way I can’t understand. Maybe I’m not creative enough. Just seems like a jumble of pictures that wishes it could just show you a naked lady on a horse. I like the font a lot though. The pink pops. C-.)

Tagline(s) – An Adventure in Ecstasy (C)

(It’s not lying. It’s also not all that interesting. Although, I’ll have to study the film very closely to make sure that’s true.)

Keyword(s) – past

Top 10: The Shawshank Redemption (1994), Forrest Gump (1994), The Dark Knight Rises (2012), Django Unchained (2012), Gladiator (2000), Inglourious Basterds (2009), Saving Private Ryan (1998), Schindler’s List (1993), The Prestige (2006), Shutter Island (2010)

Future BMT: 88.7 BloodRayne (2005), 73.0 The Unborn (2009), 70.4 Texas Chainsaw (2013), 70.2 Black Christmas (2006), 69.9 Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III (1993), 65.9 The Woman in Black 2: Angel of Death (2014), 64.6 The Final Destination (2009), 62.1 The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor (2008), 59.8 Exorcist: The Beginning (2004), 56.8 Robin Hood (2018), 55.1 Annabelle (2014), 54.9 The Quiet Ones (2014), 54.5 Snow Dogs (2002), 53.8 Spy Hard (1996), 53.1 Porky’s Revenge (1985), 52.4 2016: Obama’s America (2012), 52.1 Radhe Shyam (2022), 51.6 Porky’s II: The Next Day (1983), 50.2 The Last Legion (2007), 50.1 Halloween Kills (2021) … (and many more)

BMT: Epic Movie (2007), Superman IV: The Quest for Peace (1987), The Fog (2005), Movie 43 (2013), Super Mario Bros. (1993), Glitter (2001), Holmes & Watson (2018), The Master of Disguise (2002), The Legend of Hercules (2014), Grease 2 (1982), The Bye Bye Man (2017), Jonah Hex (2010), Freddy’s Dead: The Final Nightmare (1991), Wild Wild West (1999), Highlander: The Final Dimension (1994), The Ridiculous 6 (2015), Highlander: Endgame (2000), Black Knight (2001), Chernobyl Diaries (2012), A Nightmare on Elm Street 5: The Dream Child (1989), Cool World (1992), The Musketeer (2001), An American Haunting (2005), Apollo 18 (2011), Ishtar (1987), The Curse of La Llorona (2019), The Nun (2018), Pinocchio (2002), Hellraiser: Bloodline (1996), Bolero (1984), Bones (2001), Shanghai Surprise (1986), Return to the Blue Lagoon (1991), House of Wax (2005), Season of the Witch (2011), The Tuxedo (2002), Mannequin: On the Move (1991), Pompeii (2014), Ghost Ship (2002), Assassin’s Creed (2016), The Scarlet Letter (1995), Dolittle (2020), Timeline (2003), The Quest (1996), X-Men: Dark Phoenix (2019), Wagons East (1994), The Three Musketeers (2011), Diana (2013), Ben-Hur (2016), Rambo III (1988), Around the World in 80 Days (2004), The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning (2006), The Blue Lagoon (1980), Cutthroat Island (1995), Texas Rangers (2001), Sucker Punch (2011), Captain Corelli’s Mandolin (2001), Jobs (2013), Dirty Dancing: Havana Nights (2004), Friday the 13th Part 2 (1981), Original Sin (2001), Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters (2013), American Outlaws (2001), Universal Soldier (1992), Winter’s Tale (2014), Harlem Nights (1989), I Dreamed of Africa (2000), The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (2003), The Identical (2014), The Chamber (1996), The Marrying Man (1991), Wild Bill (1995), In Love and War (1996), Sleepaway Camp (1983), Gods and Generals (2003), The Lone Ranger (2013), X-Men Origins: Wolverine (2009), Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales (2017), Rambo: First Blood Part II (1985), Halloween II (1981), September Dawn (2007), Young Guns II (1990), Oscar (1991), Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides (2011), Evening (2007), The 13th Warrior (1999), White Comanche (1968), Gangster Squad (2013), Now and Then (1995), A Dog’s Purpose (2017)

Best Options (Romance): 58.0 Bolero (1984), 52.1 Radhe Shyam (2022), 47.3 Bad Girls (1994), 37.9 Nine (2009), 36.7 The Legend of Zorro (2005), 32.3 Mary Reilly (1996), 32.2 All the Pretty Horses (2000), 27.3 The Bride (1985), 23.3 Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein (1994), 23.3 Tulip Fever (2017), 22.6 A Night in the Life of Jimmy Reardon (1988), 20.6 Havana (1990), 20.6 Year of the Gun (1991), 18.7 Love in the Time of Cholera (2007), 16.7 Inventing the Abbotts (1997), 14.5 Mrs. Soffel (1984), 13.0 Corrina, Corrina (1994), 13.0 Heartbreak Hotel (1988), 12.0 Great Expectations (1998), 11.9 Tristan + Isolde (2006), 9.9 Snow Falling on Cedars (1999), 9.3 Stealing Home (1988), 9.0 The Longest Ride (2015), 8.6 Bobby Jones: Stroke of Genius (2004), 6.5 The Phantom of the Opera (2004), 5.9 Heaven Help Us (1985), 5.4 Memoirs of a Geisha (2005)

(We finally did it! We finally did Bolero. And there it was, just sitting there waiting for us to do it as the top option for a romance set in the past. How could we skip it? Not a chance.)

Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 20) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Bo Derek is No. 1 billed in Bolero and No. 3 billed in A Change of Seasons, which also stars Shirley MacLaine (No. 1 billed) who is in Mrs. Winterbourne (No. 1 billed) which also stars Brendan Fraser (No. 3 billed) who is in Escape from Planet Earth (No. 1 billed) which also stars Jessica Alba (No. 2 billed) who is in Mechanic: Resurrection (No. 2 billed) which also stars Jason Statham (No. 1 billed) who is in In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale (No. 1 billed) which also stars Leelee Sobieski (No. 3 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 1 billed) => (1 + 3) + (1 + 1) + (3 + 1) + (2 + 2) + (1 + 1) + (3 + 1) = 20. If we were to watch The Big Green, and Surrender we can get the HoE Number down to 18.

Notes – Olivia d’Abo, who was 14 at the time, appeared nude in several scenes.

Olivia D’Abo said in an interview in 1986 that she matured physically at age 13, a year before making this movie. In fact she said director John Derek thought she had breast implants until she took her clothes off on set the first time and he saw her breasts were natural.

This film was the final nail in the coffin of The Cannon Group, Inc. and Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer deal that saw MGM distribute all of Cannon’s films in the U.S.

Rather than allow the film to be released with an X-rating, John Derek chose to release the film unrated instead. According to Wikipedia, “Bolero (1984) was released with no MPAA rating. Its nudity and sexual content disqualified it from an R rating. At the time of release, the NC-17 rating had not yet been established and the only higher rating being X, John Derek decided to release the film unrated. The film is officially on DVD with an R rating with no cuts.”

It was widely rumored in the media at the time of the film’s release that the final love scene wasn’t simulated.

For the horseback bullfighting scenes, the stars were doubled by brothers Ángel Peralta (Derek) and Rafael Peralta (Occhipinti).

According to Bo Derek, producer Menahem Golan would send her and John Derek memos to make the film more “erotic”. Derek would state that the film “was already erotic” enough.

Penultimate movie directed by John Derek. Ghosts Can’t Do It (1989) was his last.

According to Menahem Golan, the home video rights sold for $1.5 million.

Reportedly, writer and director John Derek had contractual final cut say rights over the picture.

Awards – Nominee for the Razzie Award for Worst Picture of the Decade (Bo Derek, 1990)

Winner for the Razzie Award for Worst Picture (Bo Derek, 1985)

Winner for the Razzie Award for Worst Actress (Bo Derek, 1985)

Winner for the Razzie Award for Worst Director (John Derek, 1985)

Winner for the Razzie Award for Worst Screenplay (John Derek, 1985)

Winner for the Razzie Award for Worst Musical Score (Peter Bernstein, Elmer Bernstein, 1985)

Winner for the Razzie Award for Worst New Star (Olivia d’Abo, 1985)

Nominee for the Razzie Award for Worst Supporting Actor (George Kennedy, 1985)

Nominee for the Razzie Award for Worst Supporting Actress (Olivia d’Abo, 1985)

Nominee for the Razzie Award for Worst New Star (Andrea Occhipinti, 1985)

Apollo 18 Preview

Patrick stops his car in the parking lot of a local Bob’s Big Boy. He shudders at the thought of the unhealthy cuisine held within, but knows that’s just the Stallone talking. He looks over in the front seat at young Kyle and wonders how long the rap for kidnapping is in 1989. If Tango & Cash is any indication, jail isn’t a place for Sly Stallone. “Kid, I got a lot of explaining to do.” Over the next four hours or so he details the history of BMT and the role he eventually plays in it. By the end the child looks up at him in wonder. “Mr. Stallone,” he squeaks, “that’s a great story and all, but what am I supposed to do about it?” What indeed? As he looks around he sees an ad in the window of the Big Boy detailing “out of this world prices.” Out of the world? Space? Space and time! “Kid,” he says to Kyle, “buckle up cause we’re going galactic.”

“I’m sorry, I can’t help you,” Kyle says, concern etched on his face. At first he had listened to Jamie’s claim that he wasn’t actually Frank Stallone with curiosity, but when the Dongle came up his face darkened. Jamie doesn’t know what he can do, frustration builds until he does the only thing that comes naturally and belts out the first verse of Your Body is a Wonderland by John Mayer. Kyle is moved. Not only is the song a beautiful soft rock ode to the human form, but channeled through the voice of Frank Stallone it takes on an otherworldly beauty. Kyle stops in his tracks. When he turns Jamie sees tears in his eyes. “Alright,” he sighs, “but I can’t make any promises.” 

That’s right! We’re going galactic for the otherworldly beauty of Apollo 18, one of the lesser titles in the found footage surge we experienced following The Blair Witch Project. We are pairing that with a moon-centric straight-to-video horror The Dark Side of the Moon from 1990. Gotta love the moon… seriously, what are you some animal who hates the moon? It does so much for us and asks so little. Let’s go!

Apollo 18 (2011) – BMeTric: 59.0; Notability: 23

StreetCreditReport.com – BMeTric: top 6.8%; Notability: top 28.4%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 19.7%; Higher BMeT: Jack and Jill, The Human Centipede 2 (Full Sequence), Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance, Spy Kids 4: All the Time in the World, Shark Night, Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked, Big Mommas: Like Father, Like Son, Bucky Larson: Born to Be a Star, The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1, The Darkest Hour, The Roommate, Hellraiser: Revelations, Conan the Barbarian, Abduction, I Don’t Know How She Does It, Zookeeper, Hoodwinked Too! Hood vs. Evil; Higher Notability: Transformers: Dark of the Moon, Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides, Green Lantern, Cars 2, The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1, Hop, Your Highness, New Year’s Eve, Jack and Jill, The Smurfs, Battle Los Angeles, Red Riding Hood, Sucker Punch, Hoodwinked Too! Hood vs. Evil, I Am Number Four, The Hangover Part II, In Time, Johnny English Reborn, Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked, Season of the Witch, and 51 more; Lower RT: Hellraiser: Revelations, Faces in the Crowd, Jack and Jill, Bucky Larson: Born to Be a Star, The Roommate, A Little Bit of Heaven, Hick, Abduction, Big Mommas: Like Father, Like Son, Dream House, New Year’s Eve, Trespass, Red Riding Hood, Season of the Witch, Hoodwinked Too! Hood vs. Evil, Atlas Shrugged: Part I, The Darkest Hour, Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked, There Be Dragons, The Moth Diaries, and 27 more; Notes: Fantastic BMeTric there. We talking about Zookeeper level? That’s impressive.

Entertainment Weekly – D+ –  In space no one can hear you scream. Or groan. Apollo 18 hopes to tap into the same shivery, voyeuristic vein as its found-footage predecessors The Blair Witch Project and Paranormal Activity, but it doesn’t seem to understand how those films managed to get under our skin. While their half-a-shoestring budgets forced them to be inventive — transforming mundane sights like shaking tents and swinging doors into conductors of genuine fright — this purported documentary of the final, secret moon landing is just a Hollywood production playing pauper: the grainy 16mm film doesn?t mask the fact that the movie is put together with the same juddering editing and bad characterization as most traditionally shot thrillers.

(“I doubt many will be checking the far corners of their lunar modules.” And that right there’s the rub, right? Why is this scary when the monsters exist on the dark side of the moon and are so remote as to be unknown to even the biggest conspiracy nuts for 40 years?)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4RGhKzUUaME/

(Excuse me? In the years that followed there was unconfirmed evidence of Apollo 18. B-b-b-b-b-b-b-but the film itself purports that they got the evidence only after some hero posted it on the internet! Looks terrible.)

DirectorsGonzalo López-Gallego – ( Known For: Open Grave; The Hollow Point; El rey de la montaña; BMT: Apollo 18; Notes: He’s mostly an Editor. He, for example. Edited the BMT classic Backdraft 2 …)

WritersBrian Miller – ( BMT: Apollo 18; Notes: There is literally nothing about this guy. He wrote and directed a short called Paracusia.)

Cory Goodman – ( Future BMT: Underworld: Blood Wars; BMT: The Last Witch Hunter; Priest; Apollo 18; Notes: Do yourself a favor and look at the posters for all of the movies this guy wrote … they look all the same. Dark with shades of blue/green.)

ActorsWarren Christie – ( Known For: Land; Gray Matters; Beneath; Magic Flute Diaries; BMT: This Means War; Apollo 18; Notes: Huh, he played Bruce Wayne in the Batwoman series. From Ireland.)

Lloyd Owen – ( Known For: The Man with the Iron Heart; Free Ride; Miss Potter; Thugs of Hindostan; The Republic of Love; BMT: Apollo 18; Notes: I thought I recognized him! He’s Elendil in Rings of Power! Funny. Didn’t recognize him without the beard.)

Ryan Robbins – ( Known For: Dangerous; Spectral; Life on the Line; Passengers; Coffee & Kareem; The Confirmation; Reasonable Doubt; Vampire; Scorched Earth; Wrecked; Boundaries; Liberty Stands Still; Stark Raving Mad; Manson, My Name Is Evil; Unrivaled; Marilyn; Cold Blooded; Future BMT: The Shack; BMT: Warcraft; Seventh Son; Walking Tall; Aliens vs. Predator: Requiem; Catwoman; Paycheck; Apollo 18; Notes: Mostly a television actor I think. He was in 26 episodes of Riverdale. Although, he is a seemingly big character names Zero in the Sniper series.)

Budget/Gross – $5,000,000 / Domestic: $17,687,709 (Worldwide: $26,236,153)

(And here you see why this film was made. A cool profit, easy peasy, and if it had ended up being even remotely good they’d be swimming in sequels and making money hand over fist.)

Rotten Tomatoes – 24% (18/75): A boring, suspense-free Paranormal Activity rip-off that feels long even at just 90 minutes.

(Oooooooooooof. Something feeling long at 90 minutes is a bad sign. And I HATE found footage already.)

Reviewer Highlight: Make no mistake, Apollo 18 is a *terrible* movie. – Keith Phipps, AV Club

Poster – Sklog-pollo 18

(I like the font, but like… come on. Even looking at the poster I’m thinking “you can’t be serious.” But they were… they were serious. C+.)

Tagline(s) – There’s a reason we’ve never gone back to the moon. (C+)

(Yeah… money. It does the job. Wish it was more clever.)

Keyword(s) – past

Top 10: The Shawshank Redemption (1994), Forrest Gump (1994), The Dark Knight Rises (2012), Django Unchained (2012), Gladiator (2000), Inglourious Basterds (2009), Saving Private Ryan (1998), Schindler’s List (1993), The Prestige (2006), Shutter Island (2010)

Future BMT: 88.6 BloodRayne (2005), 72.9 The Unborn (2009), 70.3 Texas Chainsaw (2013), 70.1 Black Christmas (2006), 69.7 Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III (1993), 65.8 The Woman in Black 2: Angel of Death (2014), 64.5 The Final Destination (2009), 62.1 The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor (2008), 59.7 Exorcist: The Beginning (2004), 57.6 Bolero (1984)

BMT: Epic Movie (2007), Superman IV: The Quest for Peace (1987), The Fog (2005), Movie 43 (2013), Super Mario Bros. (1993), Glitter (2001), Holmes & Watson (2018), The Master of Disguise (2002), The Legend of Hercules (2014), Grease 2 (1982), The Bye Bye Man (2017), Jonah Hex (2010), Freddy’s Dead: The Final Nightmare (1991), Wild Wild West (1999), Highlander: The Final Dimension (1994), The Ridiculous 6 (2015), Highlander: Endgame (2000), Black Knight (2001), Chernobyl Diaries (2012), A Nightmare on Elm Street 5: The Dream Child (1989), Cool World (1992), The Musketeer (2001), An American Haunting (2005), Apollo 18 (2011), Ishtar (1987), The Nun (2018), The Curse of La Llorona (2019), Pinocchio (2002), Hellraiser: Bloodline (1996), Bones (2001), Shanghai Surprise (1986), House of Wax (2005), Return to the Blue Lagoon (1991), Season of the Witch (2011), The Tuxedo (2002), Mannequin: On the Move (1991), Pompeii (2014), Ghost Ship (2002), Assassin’s Creed (2016), The Scarlet Letter (1995), Timeline (2003), Dolittle (2020), The Quest (1996), X-Men: Dark Phoenix (2019), Wagons East (1994), The Three Musketeers (2011), Diana (2013), Ben-Hur (2016), Rambo III (1988), Around the World in 80 Days (2004), The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning (2006), The Blue Lagoon (1980), Cutthroat Island (1995), Texas Rangers (2001), Sucker Punch (2011), Captain Corelli’s Mandolin (2001), Jobs (2013), Universal Soldier (1992), Dirty Dancing: Havana Nights (2004), Friday the 13th Part 2 (1981), Original Sin (2001), Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters (2013), American Outlaws (2001), Winter’s Tale (2014), Harlem Nights (1989), The Identical (2014), I Dreamed of Africa (2000), The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (2003), The Chamber (1996), The Marrying Man (1991), Wild Bill (1995), In Love and War (1996), Sleepaway Camp (1983), Gods and Generals (2003), The Lone Ranger (2013), X-Men Origins: Wolverine (2009), Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales (2017), Rambo: First Blood Part II (1985), Halloween II (1981), September Dawn (2007), Young Guns II (1990), Oscar (1991), Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides (2011), Evening (2007), The 13th Warrior (1999), White Comanche (1968), Gangster Squad (2013), Now and Then (1995), A Dog’s Purpose (2017)

Best Options (Horror): 88.6 BloodRayne (2005), 72.9 The Unborn (2009), 70.3 Texas Chainsaw (2013), 70.1 Black Christmas (2006), 65.8 The Woman in Black 2: Angel of Death (2014), 62.1 The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor (2008), 59.7 Exorcist: The Beginning (2004), 59.0 Apollo 18 (2011), 55.1 Annabelle (2014), 54.9 The Quiet Ones (2014),… (and many more)

(As you can see there were a lot of options. Probably the other one that we might have done would have been the notorious Exorcist: The Beginning, but Apollo 18, having come out the year we started BMT, has been on the table for so long we had to do it.)

Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 26) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Warren Christie is No. 2 billed in Apollo 18 and No. 7 billed in This Means War, which also stars Reese Witherspoon (No. 1 billed) who is in Devil’s Knot (No. 1 billed) which also stars Bruce Greenwood (No. 9 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 6 billed) => (2 + 7) + (1 + 1) + (9 + 6) = 26. If we were to watch Legally Blonde 2: Red, White & Blonde we can get the HoE Number down to 20.

Notes – This film was shot using old camera lenses from the 70s.

The prologue text at the beginning of the movie states that the documented footage of the secret Apollo 18 mission was uploaded to the website “www.lunartruth.com”. When the movie was in theaters, if you typed that address into your browser, it would redirect you to “apollo18movie.net”, which was the movie’s official website. Both sites have since been shut down.

This film has no score.

NASA’s liaison for multimedia, Bert Ulrich, has officially stated that “Apollo 18 is not a documentary … the film is a work of fiction.”

The actual Apollo 18 lunar mission flight crew would have been the Apollo 15 backup crew: Richard Gordon (Commander), Vance Brand (Command Module Pilot), and Harrison Schmitt (Lunar Module Pilot). Because of his expertise in geology, Schmitt was moved to Apollo 17 after Apollo 18, 19, and 20 were canceled.

Not screened in advance for critics.

Gerry Griffin, who worked as a Flight Director for every manned Apollo mission, is a technical advisor.

The release date was moved several times, from March 4, 2011 to April 22, 2011, then an almost entire year to January 6, 2012, then it was advanced to August 26, 2011 and finally was released on September 2, 2012.

An earlier version of the movie had giant moon rock monsters in it. Although they do not feature explicitly in the final cut, some brief glimpses of much larger rock spider creatures can be seen as the lunar rover carrying Captain Anderson (Warren Christie) and Lieutenant Walker (Lloyd Owen) flips over; and just before Walker is killed, a large shadow approaches him, and his body is quickly dragged away afterwards, suggesting a much larger creature.

Ben-Hur (2016) Preview

Patrick walks through campus deep in thought. Where do you go when you are Sly Stallone in 1989? He said ‘school’ so that’s where he went. People point and gawk at the sad lonely walk of a Sly Stallone. A crowd forms and soon he’s surrounded by looky loos. “Sly! Flex for us,” one shouts. “Yo, Adrian! Where’s Adrian?” another chides playfully. In a sudden panic he tries to escape the taunts, but he can’t break through. He cocks back his arm, ready to use his age-appropriate muscles crafted from years of exercise and eating well. Before he can pulverize an innocent fan he feels a tiny hand on his arm and a quiet voice asking “Sly, sir, may I get an autograph?” He looks down to see a child, no more than three or four. He’s dressed in the colors of the college, ready to root on his favorite team, “Gladiators” splashed across his chest. Patrick’s eyes widen. “Kyle?” he gasps.

Jamie walks through campus deep in thought. Frankie Jr. is popping b-gum (as the kids now call it) and strutting around the school. “Yo, pops, you’re cramping my style.” Jamie just murmurs sorry and continues to think. If he’s here, where is Patrick? Who is Patrick? He looks around in panic, suddenly gripped by paranoia. Who is anyone? He grabs a nearby student and screams, “Who are you?” much to the horror of Frankie Jr. He feels a hand on his shoulder and turns around, his arm cocked back, old skin drooping down from years of hard living. The principal stands in front of him, an old man with gray hair and beard. He’s dressed in the colors of the school, “The New Gladiators” splashes across his chest. Jamie’s eyes widen. “Kyle?” he gasps.

That’s right! It’s a double gladiator week as we catch the 2016 remake of Ben-Hur and pair it with an Italian sci-fi picture, The New Gladiators. Remaking Ben-Hur was always a mistake. It’s also appropriate we catch at least one Italian film in this cycle as they played such a big role in the type of future/action genre of the times. Let’s go!

Ben-Hur (2016) – BMeTric: 41.2; Notability: 61

StreetCreditReport.com – BMeTric: top 16.4%; Notability: top 4.4%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 20.4%; Higher BMeT: Fifty Shades of Black, Zoolander 2, Cell, The Forest, Exposed, Yoga Hosers, Meet the Blacks, Cabin Fever, Max Steel, The Darkness, Dark Crimes, Blair Witch, Independence Day: Resurgence, The 5th Wave, Urge, Shut In, Boo! A Madea Halloween, Gods of Egypt, Get a Job, The Assignment, and 21 more; Higher Notability: Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice, Suicide Squad, Zoolander 2, Independence Day: Resurgence, The Brothers Grimsby, Alice Through the Looking Glass, Warcraft, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Out of the Shadows, Allegiant, The Huntsman: Winter’s War, Ice Age: Collision Course; Lower RT: Cabin Fever, Dark Crimes, Term Life, Urge, Max Steel, Amateur Night, The Darkness, Fifty Shades of Black, Shut In, Misconduct, Mother’s Day, Exposed, The Do-Over, Get a Job, I.T., Dirty Grandpa, The Forest, Cell, Allegiant, The Choice, and 30 more; Notes: The notability is off the hook here. It’s 2016, so obviously there are going to be huge ones coming out around then, but it is near The Huntsman sequel? That’s big.

RogerEbert.com – 3.0 stars – Does the movie radically re-arrange both its source material and that material’s most famous adaptation? It sure as hell does. But I doubt that many contemporary viewers consider either of those as holy writ. This is a “Ben-Hur” of and for its time, but also a little better than its time, it turns out. I’m not qualified to say whether it’s an effective delivery system for its Christian message, but I think I can credibly pronounce it a good popcorn movie.

(My God. One of the big pluses for this film according to this review is: it’s shorter than the previous 4 hour epic. Alright. For the record I liked the previous adaptation. It is long, but has some really interesting stuff in it. Somehow I still doubt this stands up.)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gLJdzky63BA/

(Wow, the hard rock soundtrack is an interesting take. Also, absolutely nothing about Jesus in the whole trailer? Just hard core chariot action? I would be down if that were the case. Unfortunately, it is not.)

DirectorsTimur Bekmambetov – ( Known For: Wanted; Profile; Night Watch; Day Watch; V2. Escape from Hell; The Arena; The Irony of Fate 2; Yolki 5; Six Degrees of Celebration; Yolki 1914; Peshawar Waltz; Future BMT: Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter; BMT: Ben-Hur; Notes: He was born in what is now Kazakhstan. Night Watch and Day Watch are a series about vampires that made him famous.)

WritersLew Wallace – ( Known For: Ben-Hur; Ben-Hur: A Tale of the Christ; BMT: Ben-Hur; Notes: He’s the author of the original book. He died in 1905. He was also the governor of the New Mexico Territory and later minister to Turkey besides being an author.)

Keith R. Clarke – ( Known For: The Way Back; BMT: Ben-Hur; Notes: Not much about him. He has an upcoming movie which sounds like Catch-22 but concerning redeployment to Afghanistan.)

John Ridley – ( Known For: 12 Years a Slave; Three Kings; U Turn; Needle in a Timestack; Red Tails; Undercover Brother; Jimi: All Is by My Side; Cold Around the Heart; BMT: Ben-Hur; Notes: He won an Oscar for 12 Years a Slave. He wrote a draft for Beverly Hills Cop 4 which apparently was rejected.)

ActorsJack Huston – ( Known For: House of Gucci; The Irishman; American Hustle; Pride and Prejudice and Zombies; The Twilight Saga: Eclipse; Hail, Caesar!; Their Finest; Antebellum; Above Suspicion; Kill Your Darlings; Outlander; Factory Girl; Earthquake Bird; Shrink; Night Train to Lisbon; Shrooms; The Yellow Birds; Boogie Woogie; Not Fade Away; Mr. Nice; Future BMT: The Longest Ride; BMT: Ben-Hur; Notes: For a while I was convinced this was Jack Heston, as in a stunt cast to cast Charlton Heston’s son. Nope, this is Anjelica Huston’s nephew and thus John Huston’s grandson. Heston does have a son, he directed the box office bomb Alaska.)

Toby Kebbell – ( Known For: RocknRolla; Kong: Skull Island; War for the Planet of the Apes; Match Point; Dawn of the Planet of the Apes; Gold; Dead Man’s Shoes; A Monster Calls; War Horse; The Sorcerer’s Apprentice; Destroyer; Control; The East; The Conspirator; Chéri; The Angel; The Hurricane Heist; Held for Ransom; Wilderness; Becoming; Future BMT: Alexander; Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time; The Counselor; Wrath of the Titans; BMT: Fantastic Four; Warcraft; Bloodshot; Ben-Hur; Notes: He’s English and was nominated as a Rising Star at the BAFTAs.)

Rodrigo Santoro – ( Known For: 300; Love Actually; Focus; 300: Rise of an Empire; Rio; Project Power; Charlie’s Angels: Full Throttle; 7 Prisoners; The Last Stand; Rio 2; I Love You Phillip Morris; The 33; Jane Got a Gun; Pele: Birth of a Legend; Redbelt; Carandiru; There Be Dragons; Rio, I Love You; Last Call; Monica and Friends: Bonds; Future BMT: Post Grad; BMT: What to Expect When You’re Expecting; Ben-Hur; Notes: From Brazil, and most notable for his role in Westworld. He also was the voice of Stuart Little in the Brazilian dubbed version of both movies.)

Budget/Gross – $100,000,000 / Domestic: $26,410,477 (Worldwide: $94,061,311)

(My god, what a bomb. I’m telling you, they should have got James Cameron to do it. That would have been the way to make a Ben-Hur film.)

Rotten Tomatoes – 25% (47/191): How do you fight an idea? By filming a remake that has too few of its own, and tries to cover it up with choppy editing and CGI.

(Jamie had to point out to me that “how do you fight an idea” is a big part of the previous Ben-Hur film. I’ve seen that film. But I didn’t remember the quote. The Rotten Tomatoes consensus hitting that up hard in a tongue in cheek manner is weird, but at least now it makes sense to my brain instead of sounding like actual gibberish.)

Reviewer Highlight: Very rarely does it try to impress us, or overwhelm us, shock us, move us. – K. Austin Collins, The Ringer

Poster – Jesus: The Movie

(It’s an exciting picture from the film, but not exactly poster material. Nice font, though. Comes out just about even. C.)

Tagline(s) – Brother against brother. Slave against empire. (B)

(I can’t fault it for passing up the rule of three. Would have gotten pretty long if you tried to add another one. But needs something more to get to the next level. “Crime against God” doesn’t work, but that’s the kind of clever third entry they could have tried. Just merely good as it is.)

Keyword(s) – past

Top 10: The Shawshank Redemption (1994), Forrest Gump (1994), The Dark Knight Rises (2012), Django Unchained (2012), Gladiator (2000), Inglourious Basterds (2009), Saving Private Ryan (1998), Schindler’s List (1993), The Prestige (2006), Shutter Island (2010)

Future BMT: 88.6 BloodRayne (2005), 72.9 The Unborn (2009), 70.3 Texas Chainsaw (2013), 70.1 Black Christmas (2006), 69.7 Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III (1993), 65.8 The Woman in Black 2: Angel of Death (2014), 64.5 The Final Destination (2009), 62.1 The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor (2008), 59.7 Exorcist: The Beginning (2004), 59.0 Apollo 18 (2011)

BMT: Epic Movie (2007), Superman IV: The Quest for Peace (1987), The Fog (2005), Movie 43 (2013), Super Mario Bros. (1993), Glitter (2001), Holmes & Watson (2018), The Master of Disguise (2002), The Legend of Hercules (2014), Grease 2 (1982), The Bye Bye Man (2017), Jonah Hex (2010), Freddy’s Dead: The Final Nightmare (1991), Wild Wild West (1999), Highlander: The Final Dimension (1994), The Ridiculous 6 (2015), Highlander: Endgame (2000), Black Knight (2001), Chernobyl Diaries (2012), A Nightmare on Elm Street 5: The Dream Child (1989), Cool World (1992), The Musketeer (2001), An American Haunting (2005), Ishtar (1987), The Nun (2018), The Curse of La Llorona (2019), Pinocchio (2002), Hellraiser: Bloodline (1996), Bones (2001), Shanghai Surprise (1986), House of Wax (2005), Return to the Blue Lagoon (1991), Season of the Witch (2011), The Tuxedo (2002), Mannequin: On the Move (1991), Pompeii (2014), Ghost Ship (2002), Assassin’s Creed (2016), The Scarlet Letter (1995), Timeline (2003), Dolittle (2020), The Quest (1996), X-Men: Dark Phoenix (2019), Wagons East (1994), The Three Musketeers (2011), Diana (2013), Ben-Hur (2016), Rambo III (1988), Around the World in 80 Days (2004), The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning (2006), The Blue Lagoon (1980), Cutthroat Island (1995), Texas Rangers (2001), Sucker Punch (2011), Captain Corelli’s Mandolin (2001), Jobs (2013), Universal Soldier (1992), Dirty Dancing: Havana Nights (2004), Friday the 13th Part 2 (1981), Original Sin (2001), Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters (2013), American Outlaws (2001), Winter’s Tale (2014), Harlem Nights (1989), The Identical (2014), I Dreamed of Africa (2000), The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (2003), The Chamber (1996), The Marrying Man (1991), Wild Bill (1995), In Love and War (1996), Sleepaway Camp (1983), Gods and Generals (2003), The Lone Ranger (2013), X-Men Origins: Wolverine (2009), Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales (2017), Rambo: First Blood Part II (1985), Halloween II (1981), September Dawn (2007), Young Guns II (1990), Oscar (1991), Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides (2011), Evening (2007), The 13th Warrior (1999), White Comanche (1968), Gangster Squad (2013), Now and Then (1995), A Dog’s Purpose (2017)

Best Options (Action): 88.6 BloodRayne (2005), 69.7 Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III (1993), 64.5 The Final Destination (2009), 62.1 The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor (2008), 56.7 Robin Hood (2018), 53.7 Spy Hard (1996), 50.1 The Last Legion (2007), 48.2 You Don’t Mess with the Zohan (2008), 48.0 Alexander (2004), 47.9 King Solomon’s Mines (1985), 47.7 The Dark Tower (2017), 47.1 Bad Girls (1994), 45.9 Samson (2018), 45.5 Operation Dumbo Drop (1995), 45.3 Red Scorpion (1988), 44.6 G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra (2009), 43.6 Top Dog (1995), 43.5 Missing in Action (1984), 43.3 The Kitchen (2019), 43.2 Iron Eagle (1986), 42.5 Pan (2015), 41.3 Ben-Hur (2016), 40.9 The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen (2003), 40.3 End of Days (1999), 40.2 The Delta Force (1986), (and many more)

(We went far down here, but actually really like … look at the options. The only other one I could have maybe went for was the other notorious bomb, Alexander. There are just so many films sent in the past that are terrible.)

Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 18) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Morgan Freeman is No. 4 billed in Ben-Hur and No. 1 billed in Kiss the Girls, which also stars Ashley Judd (No. 2 billed) who is in The Identical (No. 2 billed) which also stars Ray Liotta (No. 3 billed) who is in In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale (No. 2 billed) which also stars Leelee Sobieski (No. 3 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 1 billed) => (4 + 1) + (2 + 2) + (3 + 2) + (3 + 1) = 18. If we were to watch Just Getting Started we can get the HoE Number down to 16.

Notes – Director Timur Bekmambetov insisted that the chariot circus be built for real, and be realized with as little computer graphics imagery as possible. He felt it was absolutely necessary to make the chariot race look and feel realistic.

This version of the story is 87 minutes shorter than the previous version, Ben-Hur (1959).

Timur Bekmambetov explained the film’s adaptation in an interview with “Collider”: “When we say ‘original “Ben-Hur”,’ we have to be very concrete about which original version we are talking about. There were two big-screen versions made, in 1925 [Ben-Hur: A Tale of the Christ (1925)] and 1959 [Ben-Hur (1959)]. These are the two most famous ones. There was also a Broadway stage version at the beginning of the 20th century. There have been a lot of television versions. The Ben-Hur story reminds me of ‘Romeo and Juliet’, ‘Hamlet’ and any story written by [Anton Chekhov]. It is timeless, so every new generation wants to go back to it in order to adapt it for the new world. The screen version made in 1959 runs for four hours, and there [are] only a small number of people who can actually stay through the whole movie. It is about people different from us. And it’s normal, because people used to be different. The audience was different, too, as well as the cinema language the film was made in. The 1959 movie was about revenge, not about forgiveness. For me that was the main problem, as I think that the novel is mainly about forgiveness, about the fact that a human being learned how to forgive. I got so excited about the project when I read John Ridley’s script. I understood that John’s vision of the story has so much light to it, and that he shares the same thoughts about certain morals as I do. We talked with him about our modern world, which actually reminds me very much of a huge Roman Empire. In the Roman Empire the most important values were pride, rivalry, power, strength, the dictatorship of power and self-love. This kind of world does not have any prospects today. Humanity has to learn how to love and forgive. This would be our only solution.”

The film was originally set for release on February 26, 2016. In October 2015 it was pushed back to August 12, 2016.

Grease 2 Preview

Patrick looks around. Not only is the Dongle nowhere in sight, but neither is Jamie. He shivers. They’ve been separated a number of times during their adventures, and it usually didn’t turn out great. It would appear he is in a big old house, but before he can fully get his bearings he’s interrupted by a coy “yoo hoo.” When he turns his mouth goes dry. A very beautiful lady wearing an indecent amount of clothes is beckoning him. “Come back to bed, Sly,” she coos, further startling Patrick. He grabs one of the many nearby hand mirrors and screams in terror. Staring back at him is none other than Sly Stallone! Shaking out a nearby New York Times he finds a surprisingly good review for Speed Zone. My word, it’s 1989. “Where are you going?” yells the beautiful lady incredulously. He tries to think fast as he throws on whatever clothes can fit on his monstrous body. “Uh, school,” he sputters dumbly, stumbling out of the door.

Jamie looks around. Not only is the Dongle nowhere in sight, but neither is Patrick. Well, when the Patricks are away, the Jamies will play. The house he’s in is pretty dope and he can’t help but bump some tunes while making a few sandwiches. Through a mouthful of ‘wich he starts to sing along but is startled to hear what comes out. His voice has always been good… but not THIS GOOD. He rushes to the bathroom and gasps. He’s Frank Stallone… and he’s looking pretty rough. A teenage boy turns the corner and dumbly says, “Yo, Daddio, heading out for the first day of school. Senior year is gonna rock!” Jamie gasps again. His son is wearing a Class of 2031 shirt. He’s Frank Stallone and he’s 80 years old.

That’s right! We are fully transitioning to our Bring a Friend split story where on one side we are heading into the past. And on the other (smaller) side we are heading to the future. This time we are heading back to school with the one-two punch of Grease 2 and Class of 1999. Good combo as on one side we have a stark apocalyptic vision of high school life and on the other we have Class of 1999. Let’s go!

Grease 2 (1982) – BMeTric: 74.8; Notability: 44

StreetCreditReport.com – BMeTric: top 0.0%; Notability: top 1.6%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 11.1%; Higher Notability: Young Doctors in Love, Firefox, Trail of the Pink Panther, Movie Madness; Lower RT: Megaforce, Class Reunion, Movie Madness, The Dorm That Dripped Blood, Monsignor, The Toy, Zapped!, Friday the 13th Part III, Five Days One Summer, Parasite, The Beast Within, Losin’ It, Amityville II: The Possession, Vigilante, Fighting Back, Trail of the Pink Panther, Summer Lovers, Wrong Is Right, Lookin’ to Get Out, Young Doctors in Love, and 2 more; Notes: Wow, the BMeTric is really gaudy, especially for 1982. I sometimes forget just how well known this is as a bad movie.

RogerEbert.com – 2.0 stars – If ever there was a time for a punk “Grease,” that time is now. The original “Grease” was born all those many years ago as an affectionate memory of a Chicago high school in the 1950s. It went through a lot of changes on Its way through Broadway to Hollywood, but at least when John Travolta whipped out his pocket comb and slicked back his hair, we knew we were in the right era.

(Actually … that is a pretty good point Ebert. It would have made perfect sense to flash forward to like the 70s and have people’s children be the main characters, and other main characters from the original as teachers and junk. Basically Rock and Roll High School I suppose.)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WQTUEj-TqLo

(That is quite the trailer. Like … the whole movie? You see probably two thirds of the songs in some capacity. The reproduction song is absurd.)

DirectorsPatricia Birch – ( BMT: Grease 2; Notes: Won two Emmy for Great Performances, and was nominated for five Tonys for best choreography (including for Grease).)

WritersKen Finkleman – ( Known For: Airplane II: The Sequel; Illegally Yours; Future BMT: Who’s That Girl; Head Office; BMT: Grease 2; Razzie Notes: Nominee for Worst Screenplay for Who’s That Girl in 1988; Notes: Nominated for an Emmy for Van Dyke and Company. Created The Newsroom among other things on television.)

Jim Jacobs and Warren Casey – ( Known For: Grease; BMT: Grease 2; Notes: They wrote the book for Grease on Broadway and they get Grease credits based on that.)

ActorsMichelle Pfeiffer – ( Known For: Avengers: Endgame; Scarface; Mother!; Murder on the Orient Express; Stardust; What Lies Beneath; Batman Returns; The Prince of Egypt; Ant-Man and the Wasp; Hairspray; The Witches of Eastwick; Dangerous Liaisons; The Age of Innocence; Ladyhawke; The Deep End of the Ocean; A Midsummer Night’s Dream; Wolf; Frankie and Johnny; White Oleander; Married to the Mob; Future BMT: Dark Shadows; The Family; Maleficent: Mistress of Evil; I Am Sam; Up Close & Personal; The Story of Us; To Gillian on Her 37th Birthday; BMT: Grease 2; Dangerous Minds; New Year’s Eve; A Thousand Acres; Notes: A very early credit for her, she would break out the next year with Scarface. Nominated for three Oscars for Dangerous Liaisons, The Fabulous Baker Boys, and Love Field. Dangerous Liaisons is what Cruel Intentions is based on.)

Maxwell Caulfield – ( Known For: Empire Records; Gettysburg; Electric Dreams; The Boys Next Door; Sundown: The Vampire in Retreat; Accident; Waxwork II: Lost in Time; Dance with Death; The Real Blonde; Oblivion 2: Backlash; Mind Games; Facing the Enemy; The Supernaturals; Submerged; Fatal Sky; Future BMT: The Man Who Knew Too Little; Calendar Girl; BMT: Grease 2; Notes: British. He was actually in quite a few American movies before going back to England to work on ITV shows and such. Probably most famously Casualty, which is a huge show.)

Lorna Luft – ( Known For: Where the Boys Are; I Could Go on Singing; Future BMT: 54; My Giant; BMT: Grease 2; Notes: Nominated for an Emmy for producing Life with Judy Garland: Me and My Shadows. She is, in fact, Judy Garland’s daughter.)

Budget/Gross – $11.2 million / Domestic: $15,171,476 (Worldwide: $15,171,476)

(That isn’t great. At least, no way they were expecting such a return for the sequel to Grease. I think I see the issue though … the movie doesn’t have good songs.)

Rotten Tomatoes – 35% (15/43): Grease 2 is undeniably stocked with solid songs and well-choreographed dance sequences, but there’s no getting around the fact that it’s a blatant retread of its far more entertaining predecessor.

(SOLID SONGS?! This movie is “stocked” with solid songs? That is what we are going with. Absurd! I’ve seen the film. The songs are, bar one or two, pretty terrible.)

Reviewer Highlight: Grease 2 is dizzy and slight, with an even more negligible plot than its predecessor had. This time the story can’t even masquerade as an excuse for stringing the songs together. – Janet Maslin, New York Times

Poster – Grease 2: This Time They’re Lame

(I guess it’s a classic take on a poster, but it doesn’t mean I have to like it. What a difference a sequel makes. The first film you get Travolta and ONJ. Electric. This time you have Pfeiffer, sure, but then anonymous random dude #4. What a let down. C-)

Tagline(s) – The Music and Feeling go on Forever (D)

(I don’t know what that means, and you know what? I don’t care to find out.)

Keyword(s) – past

Top 10: The Shawshank Redemption (1994), Forrest Gump (1994), The Dark Knight Rises (2012), Django Unchained (2012), Gladiator (2000), Inglourious Basterds (2009), Saving Private Ryan (1998), Schindler’s List (1993), The Prestige (2006), Shutter Island (2010)

Future BMT: 88.6 BloodRayne (2005), 72.9 The Unborn (2009), 70.3 Texas Chainsaw (2013), 70.1 Black Christmas (2006), 69.7 Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III (1993), 65.8 The Woman in Black 2: Angel of Death (2014), 64.5 The Final Destination (2009), 62.1 The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor (2008), 59.7 Exorcist: The Beginning (2004), 59.0 Apollo 18 (2011) … (and many more)

BMT: Epic Movie (2007), Superman IV: The Quest for Peace (1987), The Fog (2005), Movie 43 (2013), Super Mario Bros. (1993), Glitter (2001), Holmes & Watson (2018), The Master of Disguise (2002), The Legend of Hercules (2014), Grease 2 (1982), The Bye Bye Man (2017), Jonah Hex (2010), Freddy’s Dead: The Final Nightmare (1991), Wild Wild West (1999), Highlander: The Final Dimension (1994), The Ridiculous 6 (2015), Highlander: Endgame (2000), Black Knight (2001), Chernobyl Diaries (2012), A Nightmare on Elm Street 5: The Dream Child (1989), Cool World (1992), The Musketeer (2001), An American Haunting (2005), Ishtar (1987), The Nun (2018), The Curse of La Llorona (2019), Pinocchio (2002), Hellraiser: Bloodline (1996), Bones (2001), Shanghai Surprise (1986), House of Wax (2005), Return to the Blue Lagoon (1991), Season of the Witch (2011), The Tuxedo (2002), Mannequin: On the Move (1991), Pompeii (2014), Ghost Ship (2002), Assassin’s Creed (2016), The Scarlet Letter (1995), Timeline (2003), Dolittle (2020), The Quest (1996), X-Men: Dark Phoenix (2019), Wagons East (1994), The Three Musketeers (2011), Diana (2013), Rambo III (1988), Around the World in 80 Days (2004), The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning (2006), The Blue Lagoon (1980), Cutthroat Island (1995), Texas Rangers (2001), Sucker Punch (2011), Captain Corelli’s Mandolin (2001), Jobs (2013), Universal Soldier (1992), Dirty Dancing: Havana Nights (2004), Friday the 13th Part 2 (1981), Original Sin (2001), Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters (2013), American Outlaws (2001), Winter’s Tale (2014), Harlem Nights (1989), The Identical (2014), I Dreamed of Africa (2000), The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (2003), The Chamber (1996), The Marrying Man (1991), Wild Bill (1995), In Love and War (1996), Sleepaway Camp (1983), Gods and Generals (2003), The Lone Ranger (2013), X-Men Origins: Wolverine (2009), Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales (2017), Rambo: First Blood Part II (1985), Halloween II (1981), September Dawn (2007), Young Guns II (1990), Oscar (1991), Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides (2011), Evening (2007), The 13th Warrior (1999), White Comanche (1968), Gangster Squad (2013), Now and Then (1995), A Dog’s Purpose (2017)

Best Options (Comedy): 76.6 Grease 2 (1982), 69.7 Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III (1993), 57.6 Bolero (1984), 54.5 Snow Dogs (2002), 53.7 Spy Hard (1996), 52.9 Porky’s Revenge (1985), 51.8 My Girl 2 (1994), 51.5 Porky’s II: The Next Day (1983), 48.2 You Don’t Mess with the Zohan (2008), 47.9 King Solomon’s Mines (1985) … (and many more)

(We’re in the past, baby! Actually a really hard concept to define. I ended up defining it as a collection of about 900 wikipedia pages, mostly things like “films set in the 14th century” and such. For the category most part I think it does pretty well, although undeniably there are films which merely have a prologue set in the past, but the bulk of the film is not. I think The Final Destination fits into that category. Anyways, we got the top comedy here.)

Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 13) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Michelle Pfeiffer is No. 2 billed in Grease 2 and No. 2 billed in New Year’s Eve, which also stars Robert De Niro (No. 1 billed) who is in Righteous Kill (No. 1 billed) which also stars Al Pacino (No. 2 billed) who is in 88 Minutes (No. 1 billed) which also stars Leelee Sobieski (No. 3 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 1 billed) => (2 + 2) + (1 + 1) + (2 + 1) + (3 + 1) = 13. If we were to watch The Family we can get the HoE Number down to 13.

Notes – “Do It For Our Country” is a duet between Sharon and Louis. Maureen Teefy couldn’t make it to the recording session, so Peter Frechette had to sing the whole song himself, which is why Maureen’s vocals aren’t on the movie’s soundtrack. Her voice was dubbed in later in the song

According to Maxwell Caulfield’s stunt double Gary Davis, Michelle Pfeiffer performed her own stunts in the famous Lone Rider/Stephanie romantic motorcycle ride. “She sat behind me, then I lifted her around to where she straddled me, and then we wheelie’d away. She was wonderful the whole time.”

Michelle Pfeiffer’s first major starring role. 

Michelle Pfeiffer and Maxwell Caulfield did not get along during filming. A few years after the film was released, Caulfield said in an interview that they “got along infamously.” Pfeiffer claimed in an interview that Maxwell was “self-adoring.”

Though the connection was never acknowledged in the movie, Johnny Nogerelli was originally intended to be the cousin of Danny Zuko from the first film. But Michael was Sandy’s cousin, and the writers thought there were too many similarities.

John Travolta and Dame Olivia Newton-John met with the studio to discuss reprising their roles, but weren’t pursued further after the initial conference.

The film damaged Maxwell Caulfield’s career severely. He has been quoted as saying, “Before Grease 2 came out, I was being hailed as the next Richard Gere or John Travolta. However, when Grease 2 flopped, nobody would touch me. It felt like a bucket of cold water had been thrown in my face. It took me 10 years to get over Grease 2.”

Original plans were for this to be the second installment in a franchise of four movies and a TV series. When the movie flopped, plans for a franchise were thrown out. Disney ended up adapting the unused script for the third movie, which became High School Musical (2006).

The theatrical feature film debut for Lorna Luft, daughter of Judy Garland, and half-sister of Liza Minnelli.

Patricia Birch was the dance choreographer for the original Grease (1978) having also choreographed the source stage musical. Publicity for this sequel stated that it was the first time a female choreographer had become a film director. This movie was her directorial debut, and her only theatrical film directing credit.

The film had 500 cast members.