Thank god we’re back in the 90’s so I can look at the NYTimes for Secret of the Ooze’s release date, March 22nd, 1991. And let me tell you… film advertisers were going nuts. I’m not talking about the quote at the top of the TMNT2 poster which seems to be protesting a bit too much about how the Turtles are more upbeat (read: less murderous) this time.
Clear reaction to the reviews of the first that were basically like “wait, this is for kids?!” I’m also not talking about this little note on the TMNT2 poster declaring JCPenny the place to be for all things Turtles.
No I’m talking about this Home Alone ad which is just… it’s embarrassing.
I’m embarrassed for you.
To recap, the Turtles are back, Jack! And they are having an existential crisis! That’s because they are just learning a startling secret about the ooze that created them. Bum, bum, bum. While living with April O’Neil they catch wind of her latest story: a (mostly successful) toxic cleanup by the company TGRI. Splinter reveals that this toxic spill is what created the Turtles and they are all like “I thought we were more than just mistakes” and are momentarily sad. They decide to talk to the head scientist there about the ooze. But they aren’t the only ones. That’s right! Shredder is back, Jack! You thought he was crushed by a garbage truck? Right! But he’s still miraculously alive and so are his henchmen. So when the Turtles catch up with the scientist they end up ambushed by the Foot Clan and lose both the last canister of ooze and the scientist. Oh no! The scientist is forced to make a couple of big ol’ mutant monsters, Tokka and Rahzar, with the ooze before being rescued by the turtles. Back in their spiffy new abandoned subway station hideout, they work extra hard producing an antidote to counteract the mutant wolf and snapping turtle super strength. Armed with the antidote, and with the knowledge that Tokka and Rahzar will attack Central Park if they don’t fight them, they engage with the monsters only to be thrown into a Vanilla Ice concert. Vanilla Ice is at first not thrilled, but soon he’s grooving to his new funky tune, the Ninja Rap, all while the turtles fend off Tokka and Rahzar long enough for the antidote to work. Shredder is enraged and uses the last of the ooze to transform into Super Shredder… but for like five seconds before he inadvertently uses his super strength to collapse a dock around him. Idiot. Thus they save the day and the Ninja Rap goes down as the greatest work of art in history. THE END.
This movie is supremely silly… and purposefully so! I rewatched the first film and I appreciated how straightforward and blessedly short the whole affair was. Not to mention just how insane the turtle costumes were. They are amazing. But it’s also a pretty dark film. So it’s clear what they were trying to do with the second one. Bring back the straightforward storyline and short run time, but also make it silly for kids. Mission accomplished. Sure the costumes are starting to look a little less good this time (presumably because they must have cost a fortune), but still, it seems like this is exactly what they wanted. Is it exactly what I wanted? I mean, not entirely. It’s quite stupid and the ending is an extended mistake, but still… is it wrong that I didn’t mind most of it? There’s a reason why I remembered this one better than the first one.
Hot Take Clam Bake! Shredder didn’t die. Like come on. He got straight murdered by Casey Jones in a horrific garbage truck crushing event and yet he just rises up no prob in time for this film. So you think a little dock falling on him (and a super version of him no less) is going to take him out this time? Fat chance. That guy is still alive and only doesn’t show up in the third film because he has realized that being a bad guy is no fun. You get crushed constantly by being a bad guy. So my theory is that he has reformed his ways and is now working a 9-to-5 in the big city just trying to find his way. Is anyone else smelling a fish-out-of-water sitcom a-brewin’? Shred and the City. Hot Take Temperature: A piping hot slice of NYC za.
Patrick?
Patrick
‘Ello everyone! Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze? This is one secret I’ll never be able to keep. Let’s go!
I think this might be the first movie where I actively went from “this is awesome, the pinnacle of cinema. I love movies!” to “Oh wait … is this movie bad?” while growing up. I distinctly remember getting all the toys at a birthday party (at the bowling alley I think?), and then I also distinctly remember watching it a thousand times, and then finally I distinctly remember thinking “huh this movie seems not well made” only a few years later.
Oh yeah, I’ve seen this film one million times. I loved it. I kind of still do.
Really the only unforgivable sin of the film is eliminating (for whatever reason, possibly his choice) Casey Jones and replacing him with a new human helper guy. I live the semi-ninja they have in this one, but Casey Jones was a solid addition and it is kind of amazing that they had him in the first film.
Obviously the giant new mutants are an abomination. And the effects are decidedly worse than in the first film (although not by much, probably a result of attempting to fit all the robotics directly into the turtle heads instead of using the shells). Really, rather sad they didn’t just go with Bebop and Rocksteady in this one, and then go full Krang in the third. Would have really been a neat little trilogy in that case.
I should talk a bit about the first film: I forgot how serious it is. There was a whole section where Raphael almost died. They all seem stunned when he wakes up. The interlude at the farmhouse plays like an 80s drama. It is weird and wild stuff and yet it pretty much works. Genuinely incredible what they pulled off there.
This one not so much. Still kind of love it. The Vanilla Ice music video at the end was ironically the greatest thing in the history of film (still is).
I’m going to give Keno a rare Planchet (Who?) award for kind of screwing things up and vaguely being made fun of during the film. As usual, I believe the Turtles have an exclusive Product Placement (What?) deal with Dominos. We are still in New York City for Setting as a Character (Where?) (for now…). Obviously this is an A+ MacGuffin (Why?) for the ooze which holds a secret we never quite find out, but everyone really wants it and it is a big thing driving the entire story. It is right there in the title! And why not, let’s give it a Worst Twist (How?) for the reveal of your kids’ favorite new toy: Super Shredder! This is closest to BMT for sure, it is very very silly nonsense from front to back.
Read about my secret Casey Jones spinoff film in the Quiz. Cheerios,
Oh man, so get this. I was just hanging in the sewer (natch) when I found this sweet like … ancient thing. But then it turned on, and all of a sudden I was in ancient Japan! Well, when I got there I got bopped on the head by a gaggle of British arms dealers and I don’t remember a thing. Do you remember what happened in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III?
Pop Quiz Hot Shot!
1) April’s here, and she’s got a boatload of gifts for the Turtles. They are all pretty sweet, but Splinter’s is the sweetest. What is his gift, and where did she get all this sweet stuff?
2) So obviously it turns on and zaps April back in time. Whoops. Who comes in her place?
3) Well the turtles just gotta go and save April! While back in time they learn all about the conflict that is occurring in feudal Japan. What is it?
4) Uh oh we got a betrayer in our midst! Who betrays the gang?
5) Why do some of the turtles want to stay back in time? And why do some of the honor guard want to stay in the future?
Bonus Question: The Turtles look sadly at the notice that Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles IV is canceled. What are they going to do now?
Oh jeez. So here’s the thing. I’m part of the Footclan. Great benefits. But then, seriously, a giant turtle popped out and bopped me on the head! He knew karate!!! Well, needless to say, I don’t remember a thing. Do you remember what happened in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze?
Pop Quiz Hot Shot!
1) So where we left off in the first film was that the turtles had succumbed to that all too common plight of the city: homelessness. Where are they living at the moment?
2) Wait … but what is the secret of the ooze?
3) What does the (kind of) hero scientist do to sabotage the dastardly Shredder’s (back from the grave (aka the dump)) plan to create mutant monsters to defeat the turtles?
4) And ultimately what are the turtles’ plan to destroy the mutants in order to defeat shredder?
5) The plan does work BTW, but there is a problem they only realize while listening to that bumping Ninja Rap being performed live at the rundown docks (?) by Vanilla Ice. What is the problem and how do they solve it?
Bonus Question: Wait … where was Casey Jones this entire time?
Jamie and Patrick look over the bustling BMF HQ. With the help of Scott Bakula’s international name recognition they’re back and better than ever. Kyle comes up and hands them the latest article for the site: Yes We Manne-Can, The Best Mannequin Films of 2015-2025. It’s brilliant. “I’m just glad I can help out, considering that it was not long ago that I was running BMT and you were trying to figure out how to be good.” Jamie and Patrick laugh a little. “And to think,” Jamie says softly with a smirk, “it was here all along. Family is good.” They triple bro hug. Everything has been coming up Jamie and Patrick since they kicked Kevin James’ head clean off. “Patrick?” Jamie says thoughtfully, “do you ever wish we hadn’t kicked Kevin James’ head clean off?” You can see Patrick turn the question over in his head. A moment of clarity crosses his face as it finally dawns on him exactly what they did that fateful day. He opens his mouth, struggling to express the myriad of emotions he is feeling, “No. No I don’t.” Kyle and Jamie exhale in relief. They triple bro hug again and the whole company erupts in cheers at the beautiful expression of family love, which represents the majesty of Bad Movie Family. They cheers with cans of Bud Light. As Patrick takes a deep draught he is left with a glowing green beer-stache. “Woah, what’s that?” Kyle says and grabs at Patrick’s can. It’s filled with a thick green liquid. “Oh, yeah, it’s just a little thing I invented. I call it Ooze.” Kyle takes a drink and his eyes go wide. “It’s like Mountain Dew flavored Bud Light. It’s… amazing. What’s the secret?” Patrick eyes Jamie. Is he thinking what he’s thinking? That’s right! We are getting a blast from the past with the original Justice League, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Both The Secret of the Ooze and Turtles in Time qualify, but you better believe I’ll also be watching the original. TMNT4Life! Let’s go!
StreetCreditReport.com –BMeTric: top 1.6%; Notability: top 9.6%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 12.6%; Higher BMeT: Super Mario Bros., RoboCop 3, Jason Goes to Hell: The Final Friday, Look Who’s Talking Now; Higher Notability: Last Action Hero, Hocus Pocus, Sister Act 2: Back in the Habit, The Meteor Man, Coneheads, RoboCop 3, We’re Back! A Dinosaur’s Story, Rising Sun, The Three Musketeers, Life with Mikey, Son of the Pink Panther, Loaded Weapon 1, Super Mario Bros., Indecent Proposal, Once Upon a Forest, Made in America, Look Who’s Talking Now, Sliver, Josh and S.A.M., Dennis the Menace, and 4 more; Lower RT: Look Who’s Talking Now, Deadfall, Warlock: The Armageddon, Golden Gate, Son of the Pink Panther, RoboCop 3, Mr. Nanny, Hexed, Weekend at Bernie’s II, Ghost in the Machine, Best of the Best II, Father Hood, Carnosaur, Surf Ninjas, Pumpkinhead II: Blood Wings, My Boyfriend’s Back, Only the Strong, Cop & ½, Sliver, Gunmen, and 10 more; Notes: In my child brain from 1993 I always had the impression that this was like … not released to theaters. But really, I was just too young at the time to go to theaters. Incredibly this played 56 times on television. Last Action Hero: 110. Hocus Pocus: 60. Sister Act 2: Back in the Habit: 38. Given that Hocus Pocus was on constantly (albeit once a year mostly) this must have been huuuuuge.
Leonard Maltin – 2 stars – The guys bolt the sewer for feudal Japan to help rebel villagers conquer an evil lord. Seven Samurai it ain’t (nor Russ Meyer’s The Seven Minutes either), but those who still care will find a more mellowed-out Turtles saga, complete with lecture by Raphael on the dangers of violence. Like totally Woodstock, dude!
(The ending line is something else. I do find it interesting that Ebert gave the prior installment 1 star, and Maltin gave that one 1.5 as well. So he genuinely seems to find the third to be better than the second, counter to the rest of the critical reception.)
(What a goddamn needle drop after like 20 seconds of dancing around the fact that this is a TMNT film. Demented that they went for the time travel storyline in the third film though. Didn’t even get to do Krang.)
Directors – Stuart Gillard – ( Known For: Kart Racer; A Man Called Sarge; Future BMT: Paradise; RocketMan; BMT: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III; Notes: Nominated for an Emmy for the Sonny and Cher Show in 1976. He’s a pretty huge producer for television these days, most recently for So Help Me Todd.)
Writers – Kevin Eastman and Peter Laird – ( Known For: The Lego Movie; Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles; Rise of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: The Movie; Heavy Metal 2000; Future BMT: TMNT; BMT: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles; Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze; Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III; Notes: By all accounts this story is pretty much ripped from the pages of an actual TMNT comic, so them getting credits is more that sensical.)
Stuart Gillard – ( Known For: If You Could See What I Hear; Spring Fever; A Man Called Sarge; Future BMT: Paradise; BMT: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III; Notes: This basically ended his writing career? He wrote Mega Piranha a little after. A Man Called Sarge? 500 votes on IMDb, and played 24 times in the 90s.)
Actors – Elias Koteas – ( Known For: Shooter; Shutter Island; Zodiac; Now You See Me; The Curious Case of Benjamin Button; Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles; The Thin Red Line; Crash; My Days of Mercy; Gattaca; Fallen; Let Me In; Some Kind of Wonderful; The Last Days on Mars; Apt Pupil; Exotica; The Greatest Game Ever Played; The Prophecy; The Killer Inside Me; She’s Having a Baby; Future BMT: The Fourth Kind; Collateral Damage; Dream House; Skinwalkers; Look Who’s Talking Too; Desperate Hours; Almost an Angel; Lost Souls; BMT: The Haunting in Connecticut; Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III; Devil’s Knot; Notes: Became a pretty big TV star in the 2000s. 100 episodes of Chicago P.D. Was on the somewhat resurgent fourth season of The Killing. Character actor throughout the 90s.)
Paige Turco – ( Known For: Invincible; Books of Blood; Urbania; The Pompatus of Love; Rhinoceros Eyes; The Favor; Dead Funny; Future BMT: The Stepfather; BMT: The Game Plan; Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze; Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III; Notes: Was originally a dancer until an injury ended the possibility of that being a career. Got this part because the previous April O’Neil basically quit.)
Stuart Wilson – ( Known For: The Rock; Hot Fuzz; Vertical Limit; Enemy of the State; The Mask of Zorro; The Age of Innocence; Grindhouse; Lethal Weapon 3; No Escape; Death and the Maiden; Fascination; Unstoppable; Wetherby; Dulcima; The Luzhin Defence; The Prisoner of Zenda; Perfect Creature; Edie & Pen; Fool’s Mate; BMT: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III; Exit to Eden; Here on Earth; Notes: Was a big British theater actor in the 70s and 80s. Then started getting parts in British television in the 80s. And then because a villain (basically) in 90s in films like Lethal Weapon 3.)
(Yeah that is basically a wash for a film like this back in the day. It would have been banking on home video to give them the real bang for their buck. But they ended up converting the fourth film to television, which also makes sense.)
Rotten Tomatoes – 19% (6/32): It’s a case of one sequel too many for the heroes in a half shell, with a tired time-travel plot gimmick failing to save the franchise from rapidly diminishing returns.
(Yeah, the time travel bit I remember not being impressed with, even as a seven year old. Very tired, and a fairly obvious ploy to get kids to buy different toys with different costumes.)
NY Times Short Review: Fighting Samurai dynasties. Less violent, more scenic.
(No one can seriously come in here and tell you that this isn’t a very cool poster. It’s so cool that I wondered “who made this?” and when I found out it was Morgan Weistling I thought “wait, haven’t I talked about him before?” The answer is yes. I talked about him while raving about the Police Academy posters. A.)
Tagline(s) – Ancient Japan, 1593. Without a map. Without a clue. Without a pizza. (B-)
(Give me dat year. Right on the poster. Nice. It’s a little long, but once you get past the setting you get a nice Rule of Three and it’s fun in a slightly nonsensical way.)
Keyword(s) – wisdom
Top 10: The Dark Knight (2008), Inception (2010), Forrest Gump (1994), The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring (2001), The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King (2003), The Dark Knight Rises (2012), The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers (2002), Batman Begins (2005), Inglourious Basterds (2009), The Silence of the Lambs (1991)
Future BMT: 88.6 Dumb and Dumberer: When Harry Met Lloyd (2003), 84.0 Prom Night (2008), 83.6 Spy Kids 4: All the Time in the World (2011), 82.2 You Got Served (2004), 80.0 Jonas Brothers: The 3D Concert Experience (2009), 79.6 Nutty Professor II: The Klumps (2000), 78.8 Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked (2011), 77.6 Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakquel (2009), 77.2 Superhero Movie (2008), 72.3 Bewitched (2005), 71.4 The Animal (2001), 69.4 College Road Trip (2008), 68.9 Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen (2004), 68.5 Poltergeist (2015), 68.2 Yogi Bear (2010), 65.7 Halloween Ends (2022), 65.6 The Haunting of Molly Hartley (2008), 65.3 Fat Albert (2004), 65.0 Scary Movie 4 (2006), 64.7 The Grudge 2 (2006)
BMT: Batman & Robin (1997), The Emoji Movie (2017), The Last Airbender (2010), Fifty Shades of Grey (2015), The Cat in the Hat (2003), Crossroads (2002), Norbit (2007), Fantastic Four (2015), From Justin to Kelly (2003), The Master of Disguise (2002), Book of Shadows: Blair Witch 2 (2000), Sex and the City 2 (2010), Space Jam: A New Legacy (2021), xXx: State of the Union (2005), Aliens vs. Predator: Requiem (2007), Fifty Shades Freed (2018), Little Man (2006), Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2 (2015), Taxi (2004), The Twilight Saga: New Moon (2009), Freddy Got Fingered (2001), I Still Know What You Did Last Summer (1998), Zoolander 2 (2016), Kangaroo Jack (2003), Are We Done Yet? (2007), Police Academy 5: Assignment: Miami Beach (1988), The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1 (2011), The Boy Next Door (2015), Wild Wild West (1999), Urban Legends: Final Cut (2000), Year One (2009), Are We There Yet? (2005), Marmaduke (2010), Big Momma’s House 2 (2006), The Roommate (2011), Tammy (2014), Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III (1993), … (and many more)
Best Options (daddio): 67.6 Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III (1993), 46.3 Daddy Day Care (2003)
(There is it. It is pretty funny how few options we had. Although I did learn that I didn’t include films nominated for an actor’s performance (like Whoopi Goldberg for Eddie, so there was probably actually tons of options).)
Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 12) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Stuart Wilson is No. 3 billed in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III and No. 9 billed in Here on Earth, => (3 + 9) = 12. There is no shorter path at the moment.
Notes – Starting in this film, All Effects Company took over and worked on the animatronic effects for the turtles and Splinter costumes. Jim Henson’s Creature Shop was the company who worked on the mutant creatures in the previous two movies.
Producers invited Corey Feldman to reprise his role from the first film as Donatello. The filmmakers told Corey they felt bad about not casting him for Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze (1991). However, when Corey asked for more money than the $1500 he was paid on Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (1990), Corey was told, “yeah, but you were in rehab.” Corey was denied the raise, and was again paid only $1500.
This film was originally going to be followed by a fourth installment in the franchise, “TMNT: The Next Mutation.” In this concept, the Ooze that transformed the Turtles and Splinter was still in their bodies, causing a much more drastic second mutation. Another plan that was discussed was to add a fifth turtle named Kirby (named after comic artist Jack Kirby). However, the project got stuck in development and plans for a fourth theatrical live action movie fell apart. The concept of having the Turtles mutate into creatures did see the light of day in the ‘New Mutation’ saga of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (1987) cartoon. Later, the live action “Next Mutation” installment moved to television in a live-action series produced by Saban, titled Ninja Turtles: The Next Mutation (1997). This series delivered on the promise of a fifth turtle, but changed it to a female turtle named Venus De Milo.
Mark Caso (The performer inside the Leonardo costume), is the only cast to return from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze (1991). Brian Tochi (The voice of Leonardo) and Robbie Rist (The voice of Michaelangelo) are the only actors who appeared in all three movies in the trilogy. Corey Feldman who appeared in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (1990) makes his return as the voice of Donatello.
The concept for this movie is loosely based on a story called “Masks” from issues #46 and #47 of the original Mirage comics. The story features the Turtles and Renet traveling back to Feudal Japan to fight an evil shogun and engage in samurai battles.
Jamie and Patrick look over the bustling BMF HQ. With the help of Scott Bakula’s international name recognition they’re back and better than ever. Kyle comes up and hands them the latest article for the site: Yes We Manne-Can, The Best Mannequin Films of 2015-2025. It’s brilliant. “I’m just glad I can help out, considering that it was not long ago that I was running BMT and you were trying to figure out how to be good.” Jamie and Patrick laugh a little. “And to think,” Jamie says softly with a smirk, “it was here all along. Family is good.” They triple bro hug. Everything has been coming up Jamie and Patrick since they kicked Kevin James’ head clean off. “Patrick?” Jamie says thoughtfully, “do you ever wish we hadn’t kicked Kevin James’ head clean off?” You can see Patrick turn the question over in his head. A moment of clarity crosses his face as it finally dawns on him exactly what they did that fateful day. He opens his mouth, struggling to express the myriad of emotions he is feeling, “No. No I don’t.” Kyle and Jamie exhale in relief. They triple bro hug again and the whole company erupts in cheers at the beautiful expression of family love, which represents the majesty of Bad Movie Family. They cheers with cans of Bud Light. As Patrick takes a deep draught he is left with a glowing green beer-stache. “Woah, what’s that?” Kyle says and grabs at Patrick’s can. It’s filled with a thick green liquid. “Oh, yeah, it’s just a little thing I invented. I call it Ooze.” Kyle takes a drink and his eyes go wide. “It’s like Mountain Dew flavored Bud Light. It’s… amazing. What’s the secret?” Patrick eyes Jamie. Is he thinking what he’s thinking? That’s right! We are getting a blast from the past with the original Justice League, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Both The Secret of the Ooze and Turtles in Time qualify, but you better believe I’ll also be watching the original. TMNT4Life! Let’s go!
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze (1991) – BMeTric: 32.3; Notability: 52
StreetCreditReport.com –BMeTric: top 9.2%; Notability: top 2.8%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 25.8%; Higher BMeT: Freddy’s Dead: The Final Nightmare, Cool as Ice, Critters 3, Problem Child 2, Child’s Play 3, Suburban Commando, Nothing But Trouble, Return to the Blue Lagoon, Mannequin: On the Move, Kickboxer 2: The Road Back, Zandalee, King Ralph, Double Impact, Beastmaster 2: Through the Portal of Time, Hudson Hawk, V.I. Warshawski, The Butcher’s Wife, House Party 2, Curly Sue, Ernest Scared Stupid, and 3 more; Higher Notability: Hook, Hudson Hawk, Mobsters, Flight of the Intruder, Switch, Rock-A-Doodle, Life Stinks; Lower RT: Return to the Blue Lagoon, Critters 3, The Super, Run, Cool as Ice, Another You, All I Want for Christmas, Problem Child 2, Mobsters, The Marrying Man, Strictly Business, Drop Dead Fred, Oscar, Nothing But Trouble, The Hitman, Mannequin: On the Move, Curly Sue, One Good Cop, Suburban Commando, Pure Luck, and 41 more; Notes: We are going to get to Hook, I promise you that. I have no idea what Mobsters is … played 14 times in the 90s. This played 45 times which is pretty decent. Rock-a-Doodle played a gaudy 56 times. Gives you an idea of that metric.
RogerEbert.com – 1.0 stars – I bent over backwards to be fair to the first movie about the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. It was, I wrote, “probably the best possible Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle movie.” Now we have the sequel, subtitled “The Secret of the Ooze.” I may not get what I want, but I get what I deserve. … I liked the older superheroes better. The ones that stood out from a crowd, had their own opinions, were not afraid of ridicule, and symbolized a future of truth and justice. Spiderman and Superman represented democratic values. Today’s kids are learning from the Turtles that the world is a sinkhole of radioactive waste, that it’s more reassuring to huddle together in sewers than take your chances competing at street level, and that individuality is dangerous. Cowabunga.
(Haha, so righteous Ebert. Here’s the thing. TMNT was rad. Like the coolest shit in the world when I was what? Six years old. I had a birthday party at the candlepin bowling alley and got basically all of the toys. Wait … is that enough information to pinpoint my identity.)
(My god, this what … TV spot? The sound effects are off the chain. Them being clearly very resistant to showing the bad mutants is kind of charming. And yes, off course the Ninja Rap has to take center stage,)
Directors – Michael Pressman – ( Known For: The Bad News Bears in Breaking Training; The Great Texas Dynamite Chase; Some Kind of Hero; Boulevard Nights; Those Lips, Those Eyes; Frankie and Johnny Are Married; Future BMT: Doctor Detroit; To Gillian on Her 37th Birthday; BMT: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze; Notes: )
Writers – Kevin Eastman and Peter Laird – ( Known For: The Lego Movie; Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles; Rise of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: The Movie; Heavy Metal 2000; Future BMT: TMNT; BMT: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles; Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze; Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III; Notes: Clearly the TMNT comic book creators. Was a play off of Daredevil originally all the way down to their enemies being The Foot (instead of The Hand) and their master being Splinter instead of Stick. Both heroes were created from the same ooze spill in the comics as well.)
Todd W. Langen – (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles; BMT: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze; Notes: Was a writer on the Wonder Years, and then wrote both of these films.)
Actors – Paige Turco – ( Known For: Invincible; Books of Blood; Urbania; The Pompatus of Love; Rhinoceros Eyes; The Favor; Dead Funny; Future BMT: The Stepfather; BMT: The Game Plan; Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze; Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III; Notes: Was in 85 episodes of The 100 recently. She plays April, which is, indeed, the main character who actually is physically on screen at any point.)
David Warner – ( Known For: Titanic; Scream 2; The Man with Two Brains; Planet of the Apes; Tron; Mary Poppins Returns; The Omen; Time Bandits; In the Mouth of Madness; Straw Dogs; Black Death; Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country; Mortal Passions; Time After Time; Tom Jones; The French Lieutenant’s Woman; The Company of Wolves; Cross of Iron; The Concorde… Airport ’79; Necronomicon: Book of Dead; Future BMT: Money Talks; BMT: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze; Star Trek V: The Final Frontier; Wing Commander; Notes: Was nominated for two Emmys in late-70s/early-80s and won for Masada in 1981. He plays the scientist in this who creates the ooze. I hope he had a ball.)
Michelan Sisti – ( Known For: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles; The Muppets; BMT: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze; Notes: Here is the only actual turtle to get into the top three credits. He plays Mikey. But like … in the suit, not the voice, which is hilarious. That was Robbie Rist.)
(Absolutely solid. No wonder they thought “we need to take this on tour” and then make a few more movies, and make a tv show, etc. etc. etc. And now a new movie is coming out. I hope it is good.)
Rotten Tomatoes – 35% (15/43): Not only is the movie’s juvenile dialogue unbearable for adults, but the turtles’ dopey and casual attitude towards physical violence makes them poor kids’ role models.
(Boooooooo. I don’t need this moralizing from my reviewers. Kids. Thought. This. Was. Rad. The end.)
NY Times Short Review: Now they meet Shredder’s new mutant monsters.
(I enjoy a lot about this poster. Shadows are cool. Colors are bright. Could do with better font, but it looks like a painting, which is cool. Just one question… what is Michelangelo holding in his hands? Are those his nunchucks? B for the poster, F for drawing nunchucks.)
Tagline(s) – Back by bodacious demand. (C+)
(Hell yeah. I mean, no it’s not good, but I appreciate the unironic effort to be totally dope.)
Keyword(s) – wisdom
Top 10: The Dark Knight (2008), Inception (2010), Forrest Gump (1994), The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring (2001), The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King (2003), The Dark Knight Rises (2012), The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers (2002), Batman Begins (2005), Inglourious Basterds (2009), The Silence of the Lambs (1991)
Future BMT: 88.6 Dumb and Dumberer: When Harry Met Lloyd (2003), 84.0 Prom Night (2008), 83.6 Spy Kids 4: All the Time in the World (2011), 82.2 You Got Served (2004), 80.0 Jonas Brothers: The 3D Concert Experience (2009), 79.6 Nutty Professor II: The Klumps (2000), 78.8 Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked (2011), 77.6 Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakquel (2009), 77.2 Superhero Movie (2008), 72.3 Bewitched (2005), 71.4 The Animal (2001), 69.4 College Road Trip (2008), 68.9 Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen (2004), 68.5 Poltergeist (2015), 68.2 Yogi Bear (2010), 65.7 Halloween Ends (2022), 65.6 The Haunting of Molly Hartley (2008), 65.3 Fat Albert (2004), 65.0 Scary Movie 4 (2006), 64.7 The Grudge 2 (2006)
BMT: Batman & Robin (1997), The Emoji Movie (2017), The Last Airbender (2010), Fifty Shades of Grey (2015), The Cat in the Hat (2003), Crossroads (2002), Norbit (2007), Fantastic Four (2015), From Justin to Kelly (2003), The Master of Disguise (2002), Book of Shadows: Blair Witch 2 (2000), Sex and the City 2 (2010), Space Jam: A New Legacy (2021), xXx: State of the Union (2005), Aliens vs. Predator: Requiem (2007), Fifty Shades Freed (2018), Little Man (2006), Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2 (2015), Taxi (2004), The Twilight Saga: New Moon (2009), Freddy Got Fingered (2001), I Still Know What You Did Last Summer (1998), Zoolander 2 (2016), Kangaroo Jack (2003), Are We Done Yet? (2007), Police Academy 5: Assignment: Miami Beach (1988), The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1 (2011), The Boy Next Door (2015), Wild Wild West (1999), Urban Legends: Final Cut (2000), Year One (2009), Are We There Yet? (2005), Marmaduke (2010), Big Momma’s House 2 (2006), The Roommate (2011), Tammy (2014), Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III (1993), … (and many more)
Best Options (daddio):67.6 Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III (1993), 46.3 Daddy Day Care (2003)
(So yeah, this is a bonus. Only the third one played on September 1st in the 90s. And obviously, because as I said, kids thought this was rad, it smashed the Kids’ Choice Awards.)
Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 15) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Paige Turco is No. 1 billed in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze and No. 2 billed in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III, which also stars Stuart Wilson (No. 3 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 9 billed) => (1 + 2) + (3 + 9) = 15. If we were to watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III we can get the HoE Number down to 15.
Notes – In the original Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (1990) film, the turtles facial expressions were cable operated with all the motors, servos etc housed in the shell. In this movie, thanks to a larger budget, the animatronics were much smaller and lighter and were built into the face itself.
Judith Hoag was not called in to reprise her role as April O’Neil after the director was unhappy when she derided the way they mistreated the stunt doubles and their unfair schedules changes. She stated at SuperCon Florida that she had no ill-will towards Paige Turco. Instead they met 17 years later and are now good friends. The directors found Paige Turco to resemble the character more, and found her chemistry with the Turtles to seem more sincere.
Ernie Reyes Jr. was Donatello’s fight double in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (1990). Producers liked Reyes so much, they created the role of Keno just for him to replace the ultra-violent Casey Jones.
The building used for the entrance to April’s apartment is the office to the New York location of Jim Henson’s Creature Shop.
We’re back, Jack! Cause we get to flashback to September 1st, 1994. A birthday so sweet that they just had to get Citizen Kane going early. Settle in at 11am on AMC for that CKane action. But rest up cause you better believe that they are taking The Adventures of Ford Fairlane primetime. Channel 11 at 8pm they are giving you the rock and roll detective. The FCC must have been going wild. Phones ringing off the hook at Andrew Dice Clay’s antics. We try to change the channel but the birthday boy says no. It’s his birthday and he’ll laugh at ADC if he pleases. Everyone is so jazzed by the experience that they collapse in exhaustion. Unbeknownst to them Jamie and Patrick sneak downstairs and find to their delight The Sketch Artist starring Jeff Fahey (1am on TMC), thus beginning their Fahey-aissance. An aissance that continues to this day. So, thank you The Adventures of Ford Fairlane. Thank you.
To recap, Andrew Dice Clay is the coolest cat in town. He is bedding ladies left and right. He is meeting with musicians and producers and everyone under the sun. We come to find that despite nabbing baddies on the regular, he’s not making any money because the musicians hiring him are paying him in eccentric gifts like koalas. We also find that he has a secretary that loves him and he loves her, but he’s gotta keep up his persona. Anyway, he gets a call from a friend who is now a shock jock about a job. When he goes there the dude wants to find a girl, Zuzu Petals, and is being real shady about it. ADC agrees to the gig, but just minutes later the guy is murdered. He gets a couple clues from the radio stations and the next morning is approached by a rich lady, Connie Sutton, who also wants to find Zuzu. He starts to collect a series of CDs, but not musical CDs, rather those newfangled computer doohickeys, you dig? He also figures out that Zuzu is associated with the lead singer of The Black Plague, who recently died on stage. While investigating he is almost killed numerous times by a hitman and is almost blown up. Ultimately they end up confronting the head of a music studio, Wayne Newton, who reveals his big plan was to bootleg the CDs of his company to make money off both the legitimate and black market. No prob telling Ford, because he’s about to die. Or is he? He’s not, because he escapes and is able to crack the final clue and get the last disc. This is all revealed and he wins the day, gets the girl, adopts a kid to be their son, and wins a billion dollars. No seriously, that’s how it ends. THE END.
Sometimes films are listed as having a “cult following” and I’m not sure I understand it. Either because the film is well known and probably not “cult,” or that it is objectively horrendous and shouldn’t have a “following.” I fully expected that to be the case here. The film is notorious. For all I had known this was a misogynistic pile of garbage and Andrew Dice Clay was king of the Mt. Garbage. Guess what? It wasn’t. I actually can kinda see how this is a cult film. It is weird in a specifically early 90’s Hudson Hawk kind of way and ADC is actually not half bad. You can see the natural charisma that briefly made him a comic star. The film mostly suffers from some poor performances (looking at you Robert Englund) and an inane plot complete with a laughable CD-ROM MacGuffin. Overall, though, it was way better than I thought it would be. Huh… I did not expect this.
Hot Take Clam Bake! It’s a classic, ladies and gentlemen. You know what I’m going to say: the end of this film didn’t happen and Ford Fairlane was actually shot and killed. It’s just the final firing of his dumb synapses. Think about the ending: Ford saves the day by tricking the bad guy in the most obvious way. Straight out of a movie type of stuff. Then he goes off and confesses his love for his secretary and they set off to live happily ever after. But not before grabbing a cute tyke to be their adoptive son and stopping briefly for Ford to win a billion dollars in a radio giveaway. We end with an image of them living happily on a yacht. You can tell they weren’t thinking Ford Fairlane 2. Why? Cause there never was going to be a Ford Fairlane 2… cause he’s dead. Hot Take Temperature: The Last Seduction.
Patrick?
Patrick
‘Ello everyone! Once upon a time there was a man named Andrew Dice Clay who wasn’t funny and yet he got a movie made starring him as basically his comedy schtick. The early 90s were wild. Let’s go!
Is my brain dying? Because I didn’t think Andrew Dice Clay, as an actor, was half bad in this movie. I guess that is basically what happens when you cast someone as themself in a film while simultaneously “themself” actually is an act they’ve been putting on for years.
I also thought the core of the film was basically an okay idea. That makes sense right? It is based on a series of short stories that ran in the trades back in the day. So the concept of a PI who investigates Rock n’ Roll crimes and is himself a failed Rock n’ Roller is a pretty cool concept.
Alright, I think that’s it for all the good stuff in the film (and even that is borderline).
The jokes aren’t funny, and it is blatantly obvious why people make fun of Andrew Dice Clay on the reg even though he hasn’t been any kind of famous for about three decades. It is a joke layered upon a joke at this point. I guess it wouldn’t have been as obvious at that point that his homophobic and misogynistic character wouldn’t fly, but even at the time I think it was mostly shock value. Which I suppose makes it somewhat poetic that one of the people his character is existentially associated with is a shock jock. That was what he was right? A shock comic. I guess those still exist, although to a smaller degree. I couldn’t really name a comedian who’s managed to make a whole mainstream career from shock recently. Jeselnik seems like one of the last, but who knows, I’m not exactly plugged into that world at this point in my life. It does feel like “shock” comics are mostly a right-wing thing at this point.
From top to bottom the acting in the film is pretty rough.
And overall the storyline is ultra-confusing. It is basically like … a financial coverup by Wayne Newton? And he kills a bunch of people who figure it out. And it involves three discs which have to all be put into a special computer together for it to work? Maybe? Destroy the computer Wayne, ever think of that?
And my god, Wayne Newton looks bizarre in this film. I couldn’t figure out who he was for quite a while. He looked like he had late-stage CharlesBronson-itis with his big puffy face. No offense.
I mean, it has an A+ Product Placement (What?) for a Ford Fairlane, which they got into trouble for lying about actually blowing up (since it is apparently quite rare, enthusiasts were not amused by them joking around about destroying one). Definitely a Setting as a Character (Where?) for the music industry of Los Angeles. I do love an actual MacGuffin (Why?) for the set of three discs they don’t know anything about for 90% of the film. I think this is a BMT film, it is very very weird, but strangely entertaining, and very 90s.
Read about the sequel The Adventures of Ford Fairlane: Social Security in the Quiz. Cheerios,
Hickory dickory dock. My Ford Fairlane just exploded and I got bopped on the head and now I can’t remember a thing. Do you remember what happened in The Adventures of Ford Fairlane?
Pop Quiz Hot Shot!
1) Ford Fairlane babyyyyyyy. He’s a rock n’ roll detective! When we open the film what case is he on?
2) Ford, it turns out, is often paid in odd ways. What are the two weird ways he’s paid during the course of the film?
3) Two people ask him to find a girl by the name of Zuzu Petals. Who? And where does he find her?
4) During the course of the film Ford finds three discs. Where does he find them?
5) Who was The Kid’s father this whole time?
Bonus Question: We flash forward to 30 years later, what is Ford up to?
Jamie sighs as they turn another corner in the catacombs. “Time works differently…” Michael begins before Jamie tunes him out. If they had known that the only other member of the Ultra-Hard Party was Michael he probably would have passed on the task, Gutes or no Gutes. Particularly if he knew the first stop was the catacombs. But when he turns to mention how lame the catacombs are to Patrick he is surprised to see a slight smirk on his face. Is he enjoying himself? “Are you enjoying yourself?” Jamie asks incredulously. Patrick smirks even deeper. Jamie stops and shoves him “Yo, look at Circus Smirkus over here. You smirking up a storm while we wander the catacombs like a couple of dopes? Don’t you see,” he says, eyes wild, tapping his temple furiously, “this is all a ruse. A way to get us down here while they draft up Steve Guttenberg’s expulsion papers.” If you could see Patrick’s face you would have said it was impossible he could smirk any deeper. He was, in that moment, the Michael Jordan of smirking. But just then… if you can believe it… he smirked ever so slightly more. “Gahhhhhh,” Jamie yells, the noise careening off the walls of the super lame catacombs. “That’s it!” Jamie says finger dangerously close to Patrick’s smirk, “You don’t smirk at me like that unless we’re both smirking. Both smirking about something clever we did. But does it look like I’m smirking? Well, does it punk?” Michael is bewildered and scared. “Boys, boys, please, we’re almost there, I assure you.” But Jamie is too far gone. “Oh we’re not going any further with you, Michael, we’re heading up to save Gutes. But first let me wipe that smirk off Sir Smirks-a-lot’s face over there. Rock and roll.” That’s right! We are taking on The Adventures of Ford Fairlane (the rock and roll detective) in the first entry of Brary Bros. Just a couple guys talking the ‘brary (the library that is) and enjoying the fruits of a functioning society that allows for the communal sharing of knowledge. Oh we don’t have The Adventures of Ford Fairlane in our library network? No prob, cause it was available in our extensive network of Brary Bros. The world is our oyster. Library! Let’s go!
The Adventures of Ford Fairlane (1990) – BMeTric: 18.1; Notability: 61
StreetCreditReport.com –BMeTric: top 18.8%; Notability: top 2.0%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 12.3%; Higher BMeT: Captain America, Look Who’s Talking Too, Rocky V, The NeverEnding Story II: The Next Chapter, Ghost Dad, Leatherface: Texas Chainsaw Massacre III, Graveyard Shift, Soultaker, Problem Child, Fire Birds, Delta Force 2: The Colombian Connection, Navy Seals, The Bonfire of the Vanities, Loose Cannons, RoboCop 2, Ernest Goes to Jail, Death Warrant, Desperate Hours, Hard to Kill, Air America, and 27 more; Higher Notability: RoboCop 2, The Bonfire of the Vanities, Predator 2, Days of Thunder, Jetsons: The Movie; Lower RT: Problem Child, Graveyard Shift, Death Warrant, Madhouse, Loose Cannons, Funny About Love, Soultaker, Ghost Dad, Spaced Invaders, Fire Birds, Meet the Applegates, Where the Heart Is, Heart Condition, Delta Force 2: The Colombian Connection, Ernest Goes to Jail, Opportunity Knocks, Captain America, Air America, Look Who’s Talking Too, Everybody Wins, and 9 more; Notes: Wait wait wait wait … this film has a 50+ Notability? How? This creates so many more questions than I had prior to generating this email.
RogerEbert.com – 1.0 stars – “The Adventures of Ford Fairlane” is a movie about a hero I didn’t like, chasing villains I didn’t hate, in a plot I didn’t understand. It is also loud, ugly and mean-spirited. That makes it the ideal vehicle for Andrew Dice Clay, a comedian whose humor is based upon hating those not in the room for the entertainment of those present. … If he wants a future in the movies, Andrew Dice Clay is going to have to play somebody other than himself.
(This sounds just about right. He was a comedian with a schtick, and they made a movie about his schtick, and it didn’t work as a movie or a comedy or anything.)
(Seems really annoying and unfunny. Which makes sense. I’ve always heard his comedy is really annoying and unfunny.)
Directors – Renny Harlin – ( Known For: Deep Blue Sea; The Long Kiss Goodnight; Cliffhanger; Die Hard 2; The Misfits; A Nightmare on Elm Street 4: The Dream Master; Devil’s Pass; Skiptrace; Cleaner; Prison; 5 Days of War; Born American; Legend of the Ancient Sword; Class Reunion 3; Bodies at Rest; Future BMT: Exorcist: The Beginning; 12 Rounds; BMT: The Covenant; Cutthroat Island; The Legend of Hercules; Mindhunters; Driven; The Adventures of Ford Fairlane; Razzie Notes: Nominee for Worst Director in 1991 for The Adventures of Ford Fairlane; in 1996 for Cutthroat Island; in 2002 for Driven; in 2005 for Exorcist: The Beginning; in 2015 for The Legend of Hercules; and in 2022 for The Misfits; Notes: Notably Finnish. Also notably was the original director of Alien 3 prior to leaving right before filming started resulting in the directorial debut of David Fincher.)
Writers – Daniel Waters – ( Known For: Heathers; Batman Returns; Sex and Death 101; Happy Campers; BMT: Demolition Man; Vampire Academy; Hudson Hawk; The Adventures of Ford Fairlane; Razzie Notes: Winner for Worst Screenplay in 1991 for The Adventures of Ford Fairlane; and in 1992 for Hudson Hawk; Notes: Apparently owns the house Orson Welles died in?)
James Cappe – ( BMT: The Adventures of Ford Fairlane; Razzie Notes: Winner for Worst Screenplay for The Adventures of Ford Fairlane in 1991; Notes: A writer on both the Mortal Combat and Poltergeist live action television series.)
David Arnott – ( Future BMT: Last Action Hero; BMT: The Adventures of Ford Fairlane; Razzie Notes: Winner for Worst Screenplay for The Adventures of Ford Fairlane in 1991; and Nominee for Worst Screenplay for Last Action Hero in 1994; Notes: Kind of interesting in that both this and Last Action Hero are somewhat known for the breaking of the fourth wall and specifically skewer the music and movie industries in LA.)
Rex Weiner – ( BMT: The Adventures of Ford Fairlane; Notes: Apparently the movie is based on a book. Or more precisely Weiner was a reporter for Variety and these were a series of noir-ish stories he wrote that were adapted.)
Actors – Andrew Dice Clay – ( Known For: A Star Is Born; Pretty in Pink; Blue Jasmine; Private Resort; Amazon Women on the Moon; Night Patrol; Making the Grade; My 5 Wives; Wacko; Foolish; No Contest; Future BMT: Entourage; Jury Duty; Casual Sex?; One Night at McCool’s; BMT: The Adventures of Ford Fairlane; Razzie Notes: Winner for Worst Actor for The Adventures of Ford Fairlane in 1991; and Nominee for Worst Screenplay, and Worst Actor for Dice Rules in 1992; Notes: Hickory. Dickory. Doc. Known for his odd comedic character, dirty nursery rhymes, and strange acting trajectory. Was in 17 episodes of Crime Story, and this was his first major theatrical film.)
Lauren Holly – ( Known For: Spirited Away; Dumb and Dumber; What Women Want; Beautiful Girls; Any Given Sunday; Sabrina; The Blackcoat’s Daughter; Dragon: The Bruce Lee Story; Down Periscope; Seven Minutes in Heaven; How to Plan an Orgy in a Small Town; The Chumscrubber; Field of Lost Shoes; In Enemy Hands; After the Ball; Tammy’s Always Dying; Live Wire; Chasing 3000; No Looking Back; The Final Storm; Future BMT: Band of the Hand; BMT: Crank: High Voltage; The Adventures of Ford Fairlane; Turbulence; Razzie Notes: Nominee for Worst Actress in 1998 for A Smile Like Yours, and Turbulence; Notes: Has been a major television actress forever, Picket Fences, Chicago Hope, NCIS. Dozens of episodes of each. You probably recognizer as the love interest in Dumb and Dumber.)
Wayne Newton – ( Known For: Ocean’s Eleven; Licence to Kill; The Dark Backward; Night of the Running Man; 80 Steps to Jonah; Future BMT: Smokin’ Aces; Vegas Vacation; Hoodwinked Too! Hood vs. Evil; Best of the Best II; BMT: The Adventures of Ford Fairlane; Razzie Notes: Nominated for Worst Supporting Actor for The Adventures of Ford Fairlane in 1991; Notes: Known for his flawless signing voice and also looking insane in movies in the 90s. Somehow looks more normal now with his egg-smooth 80-year-old face.)
Budget/Gross – $20 million / Domestic: $21,413,502 (Worldwide: $21,413,502)
(Way more that I would have expected. I’m starting to suspect that the notability and the price are all part and parcel of getting fairly major musicians involved in the film.)
(Oh I get to make a consensus: No fun as it pokes fun at women and promotes violence in a low brow bummer. Rotten Tomatoes, call me, that is a killer consensus.)
NY Times Short Review: Low-life private eye solves rock ‘n’ roll murder.
(This is certainly laying it on the line. You like Andrew Dice Clay, this film has loads of it. I appreciate the font, and the sky coloring looks like a paiting, but most everything else is against the rules. Too much white on the poster in particular and the whole setup is old school.C-)
(I’d love to know how they arrived on these particular detectives… should have thrown in Robocop… he’s a god damn robot, so it would really be saying something if you called him a wimp. I do like this tagline quite a bit, even without Robocop. Nicely done.)
Keyword(s) – Citizen Kane
Top 10: The Silence of the Lambs (1991), Star Wars: Episode V – The Empire Strikes Back (1980), Goodfellas (1990), Terminator 2: Judgment Day (1991), Star Wars: Episode VI – Return of the Jedi (1983), The Terminator (1984), Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade (1989), Full Metal Jacket (1987), Aliens (1986), Groundhog Day (1993)
Future BMT: 75.0 Look Who’s Talking Now (1993), 71.9 Teen Wolf Too (1987), 61.0 Pet Sematary II (1992), 59.6 Suburban Commando (1991), 58.5 Rocky V (1990), 56.4 The Karate Kid Part III (1989), 55.6 Ringmaster (1998), 54.2 Who’s That Girl (1987), 53.2 Made in America (1993), 52.4 Blank Check (1994), 51.5 The Pest (1997), 50.5 Getting Even with Dad (1994), 50.0 Smokey and the Bandit II (1980), 49.9 3 Ninjas (1992), 49.1 My Girl 2 (1994), 48.3 My Stepmother Is an Alien (1988), 47.9 Three Men and a Little Lady (1990), 46.7 House Party 3 (1994), 46.4 Zapped! (1982), 45.8 Sidekicks (1992)
BMT: Batman & Robin (1997), Superman IV: The Quest for Peace (1987), Troll 2 (1990), Super Mario Bros. (1993), RoboCop 3 (1993), Grease 2 (1982), Caddyshack II (1988), Bio-Dome (1996), Mac and Me (1988), Anaconda (1997), Lawnmower Man 2: Beyond Cyberspace (1996), Double Team (1997), Fair Game (1995), Leprechaun (1993), Body of Evidence (1992), A Nightmare on Elm Street: The Dream Child (1989), Cool World (1992), Poltergeist III (1988), Wild Orchid (1989), Sliver (1993), Chairman of the Board (1997), Red Sonja (1985), Nothing But Trouble (1991), Ishtar (1987), Toys (1992), Weekend at Bernie’s II (1993), Shanghai Surprise (1986), Friday the 13th Part VII: The New Blood (1988), Exit to Eden (1994), Fire Down Below (1997), Color of Night (1994), Graveyard Shift (1990), No Holds Barred (1989), The Lawnmower Man (1992), Arthur 2: On the Rocks (1988), Maximum Overdrive (1986), Fire Birds (1990), Cocoon: The Return (1988), Jingle All the Way (1996), Raw Deal (1986), Poltergeist II: The Other Side (1986), Crocodile Dundee II (1988), Hudson Hawk (1991), Police Academy 2: Their First Assignment (1985), Navy Seals (1990), Critters 2: The Main Course (1988), Hot to Trot (1988), Rambo III (1988), Terminal Velocity (1994), Meatballs Part II (1984), Cobra (1986), Ernest Goes to Jail (1990), Man Trouble (1992), Hard to Kill (1990), Conan the Destroyer (1984), The Golden Child (1986), Another 48 Hrs. (1990), Hard Rain (1998), Under the Cherry Moon (1986), Mannequin (1987), K-9 (1989), Days of Thunder (1990), Blame It on Rio (1984), No Mercy (1986), Senseless (1998), The Wizard (1989), The Marrying Man (1991), Sleeping with the Enemy (1991), The Cannonball Run (1981), Stone Cold (1991), Tango & Cash (1989), Lock Up (1989), The Good Son (1993), 1492: Conquest of Paradise (1992), Dangerous Minds (1995), The Adventures of Ford Fairlane (1990), Young Guns II (1990), Event Horizon (1997), Dutch (1991), Police Academy (1984), Road House (1989)
Best Options (daddio): 61.0 Pet Sematary II (1992), 50.5 Getting Even with Dad (1994), 49.1 My Girl 2 (1994), 40.8 Iron Eagle (1986), 35.5 Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo (1984), 34.6 Leviathan (1989), 33.0 Mom and Dad Save the World (1992), 29.6 Spaced Invaders (1990), 25.8 Feds (1988), 24.1 Sibling Rivalry (1990), 20.7 Kickboxer (1989), 20.6 Mad City (1997), 18.0 The Adventures of Ford Fairlane (1990), 17.7 Brewster’s Millions (1985), 17.6 Tai-Pan (1986), 16.6 Mr. Destiny (1990), 15.9 Opportunity Knocks (1990), 12.0 Only the Strong (1993), 2.0 The Five Heartbeats (1991)
(A lot of interesting options, but hitting up the rare Andrew Dice Clay starring vehicle from the brief moment he was bizarrely a star comic was just too good to pass up. Plus we got to flew a bit with the Brary Bros network.)
Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 14) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Lauren Holly is No. 5 billed in The Adventures of Ford Fairlane and No. 2 billed in Turbulence, which also stars Ray Liotta (No. 1 billed) who is in In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale (No. 2 billed) which also stars Leelee Sobieski (No. 3 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 1 billed) => (5 + 2) + (1 + 2) + (3 + 1) = 14. There is no shorter path at the moment.
Notes – Maddie Corman’s character is named “Zuzu Petals”, a reference to It’s a Wonderful Life (1946). In that movie, George Bailey’s daughter Zuzu brings home a flower she got at school and shows it to her father and complains that some of the petals are falling off and he puts them in his pocket. Later, when he “was never born,” he reaches into his pocket and Clarence the Angel says, “They’re not there.” “What?” asks George. “Zuzu’s petals.”
As with most films featuring a stand-up comic in the lead role, bits of Andrew Dice Clay’s routine are in the film. They include asking the two guys in the club “What’re names? Neil and Bob? Or is that like what you do?”, the blabbering noise he makes after the first time he leaves Johnny Crunch’s radio station, and referring to his genitals as “Stanley The Power Drill”.
Howard Stern auditioned for the role of Johnny Crunch at Andrew Dice Clay’s insistence. Stern insisted the character was written with him in mind, and he didn’t want to play himself, but he tried out for it anyway. It didn’t work out, and Gilbert Gottfried was selected.
Billy Idol was cast as Smiley, but had to pull out of the role after a nearly-fatal motorcycle accident. Renny Harlin personally asked Robert Englund, who had previously worked with him on A Nightmare on Elm Street 4: The Dream Master (1988), to take over the role after Idol’s accident. Idol’s song “Cradle of Love” is playing when the fraternity sister takes Ford Fairlane and Zuzu Petals to her house.
Fairlane comments about being banned by MTV, which banned Andrew Dice Clay for life in 1988. The ban was lifted several years later.
In an interview in Movieline magazine, screenwriter Daniel Waters said that working with Andrew Dice Clay was “traumatic”. Waters was happy that Clay later said that “Bobby Rivers” wrote the movie.
This is Priscilla Presley’s only film outside of the “Naked Gun” trilogy.
Producer Joel Silver almost pulled the plug on this movie a few weeks before filming because he thought Andrew Dice Clay looked too fat.
The opening Black Plague concert was actually filmed at Red Rocks Amphitheatre in Denver, Colorado.
Renny Harlin used his own Ferrari in the beginning of the film as the car in which the blonde twins are picked up.
The main character was created by writer Rex Weiner, in a series of stories that were published as weekly serials from 1979 to 1980 by the New York Rocker and L.A. Weekly. The stories have since been published as The Original Adventures of Ford Fairlane.
At least three of the band names listed above feature references to earlier movies produced by Joel Silver: “Ellen Aim and the Attackers” is the band fronted by Diane Lane in Streets of Fire (1984), “Nakatomi Boys Choir” is a reference to Die Hard (1988), as the main location of that story was Nakatomi Plaza, and “Alba Varden” is the name of the South Africans’ vessel in Lethal Weapon 2 (1989).
In the original theatrical release, Ford’s toll free number was originally “1-800-PERFECT”. 1-800-UNBELIEVABLE was dubbed over for the video release, probably because 1-800-PERFECT contains seven letters, which would translate to an actual phone number. The video release has an obvious difference between “1-800” and “UNBELIEVABLE”, where it was dubbed over. The original number can be heard on the soundtrack, track nine, “Unbelievable” (which is sound clips from the movie set to music by Yello).
After many letters of protest from classic-car enthusiasts, the film’s production company said that an actual 1957 Ford Fairlane was not blown up in the explosion; it was a fiberglass replica body on a newer Ford chassis.
Awards – Winner for the Razzie Award for Worst Picture (Joel Silver, Steve Perry, 1991)
Winner for the Razzie Award for Worst Actor (Andrew Dice Clay, 1991)
Winner for the Razzie Award for Worst Screenplay (Daniel Waters, James Cappe, David Arnott, 1991)
Nominee for the Razzie Award for Worst Supporting Actor (Gilbert Gottfried, 1991)
Nominee for the Razzie Award for Worst Supporting Actor (Wayne Newton, 1991)
Nominee for the Razzie Award for Worst Director (Renny Harlin, 1991)
Why are we watching the sequel to Arthur this year? It does deserve some elaboration. We’ve played with meta themes the last few years. We had 90’s galore. We had future films. It’s really rooted in figuring out a good way to synthesize the BMT story with the penultimate Bring a Friend cycle. It’s an elaborate yearlong project and probably the unheralded achievement of our generation. So what is the theme this year? Arthur. It’s a big ol’ birthday for our dad this year and this kicks it off. Only makes sense that it starts with Arthur 2: On the Rocks. Not only does he rock, but this is really the only extremely straightforward film in the metacycle. The rest are built on Patrick’s research project involving the New York Times TV listings and so the “Daddio” films that are upcoming are mostly just a mix of films that aired on his birthday over the years. So sit back, pop some popping corn, and enjoy watching a somewhat annoying drunk person.
To recap, Arthur is back, Jack! And he’s drunker than ever. When his wife reveals that she can’t have children they gear up for adoption. But being a drunk asshole doesn’t mix with adoption so he has to tone it down. He does, that is until his family sells off the company to his archenemy, Burt Johnson, who takes all his money away and demands Arthur divorce Linda and marry his daughter Susan instead. Uh oh! He refuses (because that’s insane) and they end up broke. First they end up with Linda’s father, but Burt buys up the building and forces them out (ha!). Then Arthur finds a job, but Burt buys the company and gets him fired (haha!). Foiled at every turn, Linda fears about their chances at adoption and after getting a visit from Susan decides that the best thing for Arthur is for him to be free to marry Susan and get his money back. Devastated Arthur goes back to drinking and ends up homeless (hahaha!). He hits total rock bottom and has a vision of his dead butler Hobson, who tells him not to give up (for his fambly). Arthur puts his nose to the grindstone and sniffs out a bunch of dirt on Burt, but when he confronts him with it he is simply laughed at. Burt don’t care. Burt is immune babbbyyyy. He’s also ready to straight murder Arthur (hahahahaha!). At the last moment, though, Susan has a change of heart. She turns the tables on her father and threatens to reveal his many affairs unless he gives Arthur his money back. Now rich again Arthur returns to Linda and they get a new adopted baby, but that’s not all! Linda’s pregnant too! Awwwww. THE END
I did really enjoy the first film, although I often found Arthur himself a boor. I was also kind of thrown by how straightforward the film is. It’s love at first sight for him and Liza Minelli and that’s really all you need to grapple with. All that said, the butler was very funny, there were some good gags here and there, and Dudley Moore is an entertainer so he was entertaining even if I didn’t like his character. This of course is all thrown out the window for the sequel which plays a lot more like a spoof of Arthur than anything else. Really, everything about the film is unpleasant. Struggling to adopt. Homelessness. Unemployment. All of it screams that they should think of something (anything!) funnier. They also just rehashed the main crux of the first film (Arthur will be/is poor) even when it didn’t make any sense. Why is the girl from the first film still obsessed with Arthur? He is a drunk… isn’t there some boring rich guy she can marry? But no, she’s so crazy in the second film you have to assume there is something deranged about her. That is until she turns around and becomes totally normal at the very end of the film. All of it is bizarre.
Hot Take Clam Bake! This revelation is going to be really hard on Arthur and Linda’s marriage but I have to get it off my chest. Linda, it’s pretty obvious that Arthur originally asked you out just to make his parents mad. Your marriage is built on lies. Let me lay it out for you. Arthur is told by his father that if he doesn’t marry Susan he will lose all his money, he agrees, and then that afternoon he is seen sadly buying expensive clothes and openly talking about how he’s just doing it to make his father angry. That very moment he sees you, a mildly attractive person (beautiful on the inside, but he wouldn’t know that), shoplifting. He then bails you out and asks you on a date. Anything suspicious about that series of events? Lies! It’s all lies! He never expected to realize that Linda is all that (and a bag of potato chips). No sir. He just wanted to make his dad mad. Hot Take Temperature: Classic Habanero.
Patrick?
Patrick
‘Ello everyone! Arthur 2: On the Rocks? More like Arthur 2: Also Sucks, amirite?! RUN IT BACK. Let’s go!
Probably worth talking about the original first. The original is delightful. Surprising that it was an Oscar winner. Double surprising Dudley Moore himself got nominated. But still, a delight, and once you get past the first scene (which is Arthur at his most grating) the rest is easy breezy and quite fun and funny. It calls back to the days when you could make a self-contained comedy and get nominated for an Oscar and then forget about it … for eight years that is.
Ah, this film. The primary issue with this film is it isn’t funny. The secondary issue is that it is often profoundly sad and doesn’t seem to realize it. The tertiary issue is it is a waste, but honestly the first two issues pretty much cover it.
I was listening to a podcast about the movie Stripes the other day and I realized precisely what the issue with this film is. Stripes is notorious for its bizarre and downright bad third act set in Eastern Europe. I don’t remember where I heard it, but someone once said that the third act of Stripes is actually Stripes 2, they just tacked it onto Stripes. It makes sense. The first film is about basic training and learning what it means to be in the military and ends with the great Razzle Dazzle dance and the recruits passing their exam and going off to be part of the US military. The sequel is about them single handedly winning the Cold War in a winnebago and everyone hates it. It is a perfect analogy.
Here, the argument would go: Arthur 2 exists because it was the original third act of Arthur, but they cut it to make an Oscar winning film. Basically the original two act movie would be: Arthur is told he must marry or get cut off, he meets Linda who he falls in love with, and the second act concludes with Arthur crashing his own wedding and breaking up with his fiance. The third act is then about Arthur and Linda trying to muddle through being poor, while Arthur’s almost-father-in-law tries and ruin Arthur’s family, but in the end Arthur’s family gets one over on the baddie, and Arthur’s grandmother decides that no Bach will be poor, so Arthur and Linda live happily ever after (and rich). The End.
The analogy is almost perfect. And like Stripes 2: European Theater, this film is downright bad and weird and not funny and it makes perfect sense it was panned by critics.
A very very New York City film for Setting as a Character (Where?). And a very very very Christmas movie for Secret Holiday Film (When?) as well. And I’ll give it a Worst Twist (How?) for the reveal that Arthur’s almost-fiance was actually good all along (awwwwwwwwwwww) which makes no sense. Closest to Bad, bad comedies rarely live up to BMT standards and I don’t think this one manages it.
Read about the sequel Arthur 3: Dark Money in the Quiz. Cheerios,
Oh man, so here’s the thing. I’m a drunk. Have been all my life. But obviously my brain is now swiss cheese and I’m dying of multiple organ failure. Such is life (and death HAHAHAHAHAHA). Anyways, I don’t remember anything, I effectively have dementia. Do you remember what happened in Arthur 2: On the Rocks?
Pop Quiz Hot Shot!
1) Arthur and Linda are in leeeeeeeeeeeeeeerv. But what’s the one thing Linda wants more than anything, and what’s the problem (and solution) with this?
2) The bad guy from the first film is Jack! And now he has a plan to reeeeeeally ruin Arthur Bach. What is the plan?
3) The bad guy foils Arthur’s attempts to be a good citizen twice more in the film. How does he do it?
4) What’s Arthur’s plan to get his money back, why doesn’t it work, and what ultimately does work?
5) In the end Arthur intuitively knows that Linda is pregnant. How does he know?
Bonus Question: Well Arthur’s back Jack! Well, that is, until he gets that fateful knock at his door. Who is it?
Bad Movie Twins 