Category: Action

Raw Deal Preview

This week we move onto the action genre in 1986. The most prominent BMT film of the year is arguably Cobra, but we’ve obviously already indulged in that classic. Instead we went a little off the beaten path with one of Arnold Schwarzenegger’s lesser known star turns Raw Deal. This film came out around the time that Arnold was ready to move on from his time as Conan. He was constrained by a multi-sequel Conan deal with Dino De Laurentiis and agreed to star in the film in exchange for dissolving the contract. I’ve always been intrigued by this film considering it has been largely lost to time, so this should be exciting. Let’s go!

Raw Deal (1986) – BMeTric: 38.9

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(Everything is pretty normal here. I have a feeling that is going to be a trend with films from ‘86. The main interesting thing I would say is that the rating used to be so low! Mid-fours is really low. It make me think that the actual rating average indeed used to be very low. I didn’t see any evidence of this in previous studies … but when I see this I get very confused. Regression to the mean I guess dictates that bad films used to be worse, so I guess it is reasonable to assume that bad films ratings have tended to go up in the last 10 years)

Leonard Maltin – 1.5 stars –  Stupid action movie about brawny ex-Fed who helps an old pal clean some dirty laundry – and bust a major crime ring. Sense of humor helps… but not enough.

(Shhhh, shhh, shh, shhhh. Leonard… you had me at “stupid action movie.”)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4UUlyAn5YqI

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4UUlyAn5YqI

(I really debated on whether to use this trailer or not. It clearly was made recently for some DVD release or something. Then I saw that this is truly the “official trailer.” The one that is used on Amazon and stuff. So I guess we have to use it. And with all that said: it looks rad.)

Directors – John Irvin – (Known For: Hamburger Hill; The Dogs of War; Next of Kin; The Boys from County Clare; A Month by the Lake; Shiner; Widows’ Peak; Turtle Diary; BMT: Raw Deal; Ghost Story; City of Industry; Notes: British director actually probably best known for his work on the miniseries adaptation of Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy, which kicked off his career.)

Writers – Luciano Vincenzoni (story) – (Known For: The Good, the Bad and the Ugly; For a Few Dollars More; Malèna; A Fistful of Dynamite; Death Rides a Horse; BMT: Raw Deal; Orca; Once Upon a Crime…; Notes: Classic spaghetti western writer and Italian script doctor. Died in 2013 at the age of 87.)

Sergio Donati (story) – (Known For: Once Upon a Time in the West; For a Few Dollars More; A Fistful of Dynamite; La siciliana ribelle; BMT: Raw Deal; Orca; Notes: Same as a above (beside the dying part). Collaborator of Sergio Leone and Dino de Laurentiis.)

Gary DeVore (screenplay) – (Known For: Running Scared; The Dogs of War; Back Roads; BMT: Raw Deal; Notes: Unfortunately now known most for the bizarre circumstances surrounding his death. He disappeared while on his way to deliver a completed script. A year later his car was found in an aqueduct with him still inside with both hands missing. Conspiracy theories maintain that DeVore had worked in the CIA during the Panama invasion and wrote a script revealing top secret circumstances surrounding that invasion and so he was assassinated.)

Norman Wexler (screenplay) – (Known For: Saturday Night Fever; Serpico; Joe; BMT: Staying Alive; Raw Deal; Notes: Nominated for two Oscars for Joe and Serpico. Had bipolar disorder and was arrested in 1972 for threatening to shoot Richard Nixon. He is also the inspiration for the Andy Kaufman alter-ego Tony Clifton. He died in 1999 from a heart attack.)

Actors – Arnold Schwarzenegger – (Known For: Terminator 2: Judgment Day; True Lies; The Terminator; Predator; Kindergarten Cop; The Expendables; Total Recall; Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines; Escape Plan; The Expendables 2; Maggie; Commando; Conan the Barbarian; The Running Man; The Last Stand; Welcome to the Jungle; The 6th Day; Red Heat; Dave; The Long Goodbye; Stay Hungry; BMT: Batman & Robin*; Junior*; Hercules in New York; Red Sonja; Jingle All the Way*; Collateral Damage; End of Days; Raw Deal; Sabotage*; Around the World in 80 Days*; Conan the Destroyer*; Twins; The Expendables 3*; Cactus Jack; Eraser; Last Action Hero; Terminator Genisys*; Razzie Notes: Won the Razzie Award in 2005 for Worst Razzie Loser of Our First 25 Years; Nominated for the Razzie Award in 2001 for Worst Actor for The 6th Day; in 2000 for End of Days; in 1994 for Last Action Hero; and in 1983 for Conan the Barbarian; Nominated for the Razzie Award in 2015 for Worst Supporting Actor for The Expendables 3; in 2005 for Around the World in 80 Days; in 2001 for The 6th Day; and in 1998 for Batman & Robin; Nominated for the Razzie Award in 2001 for Worst Screen Couple for The 6th Day; Notes: Don’t need notes on an actor of this level. My top choice for next BMT film in his filmography is Collateral Damage. (*) BMT or previously seen films.)

Also stars Kathryn Harrold (While she does occasionally do television acting she is now a therapist for the most part according to her personal website) and Sam Wanamaker (As far as BMT he has only been in Superman IV. Otherwise an accomplished Shakespearean director in England)

Budget/Gross – $11 million / Domestic: $16,209,459

(This miniscule return on this movie is somewhat notable because it drove Dino De Laurentiis into bankruptcy. This movie was supposed to be the key to pulling De Laurentiis out of bankruptcy but was instead a pretty bad bomb all things considered.)

Rotten Tomatoes – 25% (3/12): No consensus yet.

(Oops. We need a consensus: For Arnold this was indeed a Raw Deal. Entertaining at times, it never manages to be anything but a rote action feature, with a terrible screenplay to boot. Sounds possibly fun, but depends entirely on how bad that screenplay is.)

Poster – Sklog Deal (B)

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(This is an amazing poster. Wish the title font was better. But the coloring and framing is good, and Arnold looks just cartoony enough to forgive. Although clearly the most amazing thing about the poster is the fading series of “Schwarzenegger” in the background. Ridiculous.)

Tagline(s) – The system gave him a raw deal. Nobody gives him a raw deal. (D+)

(That is just awful. The repeat of “raw deal” is jarring. Only not an F because it does hint at the plot.)

Keyword(s) – fbi; Top Ten by BMeTric: 72.8 I Know Who Killed Me (2007); 71.6 Charlie’s Angels: Full Throttle (2003); 70.8 Torque (2004); 70.4 Taxi (I) (2004); 67.7 Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever (2002); 66.5 Big Momma’s House 2 (2006); 64.5 The Adventures of Rocky & Bullwinkle (2000); 63.4 Did You Hear About the Morgans? (2009); 61.1 Miss Congeniality 2: Armed and Fabulous (2005); 59.9 Big Momma’s House (2000);

(Double Big Momma’s House?! This list is the greatest list of all time. I’m going to do an all night FBI movie marathon and this will be the list. It will run from ten to one (it keeps the Big Momma’s Houses in order!!!!). Big Momma’s House 2 into Ecks vs Sever into Taxi?! My god. That is a 24 hours of true misery.)

Notes – Arnold Schwarzenegger only agreed to star in this picture after much haggling in exchange for dissolving his multi-picture agreement with Dino De Laurentiis. He had one picture left with the producer and was actually very interested in doing Total Recall (1990), but De Laurentiis objected, feeling that he was not suitable for the lead role of Quaid. Instead, Patrick Swayze was already cast before the bankruptcy.

According to Arnold Schwarzenegger, Dino De Laurentiis decided to produce this film because he needed quick cash for his long gestating project Total Recall (1990). At that time, he owned the rights to the film. The failure of this film to make adequate money (only $16 million) resulted in De Laurentiis’ bankruptcy and Recall’s sale of rights to Carolco. (This is actually a rather interesting story. Old school Hollywood machinations. It makes me ever more curious about the Italian connection in the screenplay list)

In an interview to promote the film, Arnold Schwarzenegger said this was the first film where he got to wear an elaborate and modern wardrobe. He said that before this role, his wardrobe budget for a film was about “10 dollars”.

Originally intended to be called “Let’s Make A Deal.”

During production and filming the movie was to be called “Triple Identity” – a reference to the fact that the Schwarzenegger character goes from being an FBI Agent (1), to a local cop (2) and then to undercover operative (3). Several scripts exist for the film with the title on the front page. “Raw Deal” was chosen to make the film sound more like a regular action movie.

The weapon that Kaminsky uses in the final shootout of the movie (and which he brandishes on the poster) is a Heckler & Koch HK-94 carbine, a semi-automatic civilian version of the MP5 submachine gun. (Firearm database at its finest)

A sign at the entrance of the oil refinery that Mark Kaminsky (Arnold Schwarzenegger) blows up at the beginning of the film reads “Irvin Oil Processing Company.” The film was directed by John Irvin. (coool)

There are similarities between this movie and Arnold’s other films The Terminator and Commando. Arnold’s character says “I’ll be back.” and gets ready his arsenal of weapons ready for war in all 3 movies. Robert Davi’s character wears the gargoyles sunglasses like Arnold in Terminator.

Joey Brenner’s social security number reads: 567-34-5787. 567 is a prefix for California, which means the card was issued there. His passport id shows H1032642. (Please … let this be the only indication that this film takes place in California)

Get Carter Recap

Patrick

‘Ello everyone! Get Carter? More like Retched Art, Huh?! (Holy shit, that’s the worst I’ve done, bar none). Anywho, we went to crazy town and absorbed way too much information about this film. I’ll let Jamie cover the book, let’s get into a bit about the movie (and by extension its predecessor)!

  • The Good – I’m going to be honest, not much. Rourke worked for the character they were going for. With their tone choice (see below) I didn’t mind how they twisted the story to fit the tone so much. Jeez, yep.
  • The Bad – Sigh. It’s not like I loved the original, it was just an interestingly dark drama with one of the most profoundly detestable main characters you might see as your anti-hero of choice. This movie though softens it so much in favor of a lighter tone it kind of manages to destroy whatever it had going for it in adapting the source material a second time. Sly mumbles the entire time, it is way too flashy, the Alan Cumming character is nonsense. The entire thing leaves a sour taste in your mouth and isn’t even very interesting to boot because, to be honest, the lighter tone doesn’t work. Give me Sly as a drunk thug out for revenge, not some pinnacle of Family First nonsense we know and love from Fast and Furious. As I said, sigh. I might not be as jazzed as Jamie about it, but it really is rather detestable when you sit back and look at it.
  • The BMT – Yep, you could teach a master class on it. The only thing that doesn’t kick this up a notch to the legendary range is that Sly is at least somewhat competent. You put someone who is also just way out of his league in there and you got a stew going.

I’ll leave it there and close with a very abridged Audio Sklog-entary. This was yet another Director-only commentary with Stephen Key and I quit after thirty minutes. The only thing of remote interest is hearing Kay talk vaguely (although surprisingly frankly) about how intimidated he was by the project and by extension explaining a little of where things seemed to go a little wrong. But it is boring, filled with not-very-interesting factoids, technical nonsense (you can see at one point that they had to add a filler shot and so the gatekeeper transforms into an old man! Coooool), and no funny or interesting anecdotes. I stopped. I couldn’t do it. I have better things to listen to. F. An aggressive unyielding F. Although I’m willing to listen to someone if they tell me the last hour of the commentary is decent.

Jamie 

In many ways the Get Carter remake exemplifies the spirit of BMT. The film contains MonoSklogs, a prominent and specific setting (Seattle/Las Vegas), a horrifically bad side character (John C. McGinley), a horrifically bad bad guy (Alan Cumming), mirrors featured as metaphor (a la I Know Who Killed Me), Sly Stallone having a weird character quirk (OCD), Sly Stallone mumblemouth, randomly taking place during Christmas, dutch angles, Hollywood badass bars, Chekov’s guns (or in this case a Chekov’s cookie jar), etc. etc. etc. etc. All things that we have harped on over the years. Add on top of that the fact that there is waaaaaay too much source material to deal with (a book, two previous adaptations, and a commentary) and it’s like Hollywood asked us to make a film for BMT (although in our Get Carter adaptation John C. McGinley’s character is played by Chris Klein). If it was more fun in its badness it would probably be a BMTHoF candidate. As it stands it’s simply a case study. A film that would be taught in BMT lecture halls across the world, but just doesn’t go to the extreme in any one particular area to be pushed to the next level. Still fun to watch though.

As hinted above Get Carter was a masterpiece of source material. I read the book, watched the previous adaptation, and watched the new one and have to say: remarkable how similar they all are. The original film is ridiculously true to the book. Almost Pinocchio-esque. Most changes made were minor except for the final twist in the film which is more substantially changed (I’ll get to that later). The remake is much more divergent. They really softened everything up. To be true to the source Stallone’s character would have had to been an alcoholic rage monster that kills both men and women with no regard (which is exactly what Michael Caine is in the original film). Who can blame them for balking at that and instead making him an estranged uncle looking to forge a familial bond with his niece. So how do they all rank? Well you can kinda tell the quality by simply looking at how the ending twist was handled. Alright, so in all three cases the story ends with Carter confronting the man who killed his brother (Eddie in the book). In the book the main character is about to kill Eddie but lets his rage get the best of him. Eddie gains the upper hand, stabs Carter, and takes his gun (an antique rifle Carter and his brother bought as kids). When Eddie tries to shoot Carter it blows up in his face killing him instantly (remember it was an antique). Carter dies in the forest from the stab wound while still fulfilling his task of revenge. Great ending. Shocking and satisfying. Carter was an asshole, but you also wanted him to get revenge. Perfect. In the original film they weirdly chose to have Carter succeed in killing Eddie, only to be shot by a sniper sent by the mobsters a moment later. Really an odd choice. A tad too Deus Ex Machina for my taste. Not as satisfying for that reason. Finally in the remake the studio clearly didn’t want to kill Stallone so he kills his nemesis and then goes on the run, but not before imparting some valuable life lessons to his niece. Blech. So you see: book best, original film OK, remake terrible. Just have to look at that ending.

Cheerios,

The Sklogs

 

Get Carter (2000) Preview

Since the inception of the Stallonian Calendar we’ve kind of been avoiding sweeping up the last of the Stallone films available to us. That’s because we need some in the arsenal for the rare Stallone Days ahead. However, it’s really quite rare for a film in the action genre to be adapted from a source. So it was a bit hard to avoid choosing the very best of the bunch (that happens to also star Stallone). Coincidentally it was also his 70th birthday last week, so we can chalk up our viewing of the Get Carter remake to a celebration of sorts. The film is based on the Ted Lewis crime noir Jack’s Return Home. The book was first adapted into 1971’s Get Carter starring Michael Caine, which has grown into a classic. The remake? Not as much. Pretty excited to read the book, watch the original film, watch the new film, maybe watch the other adaptation (1972’s Hit Man), and listen to the director’s commentary. Welcome to Crazytown (Population: 2). Let’s go!

Get Carter (2000) – BMeTric: 52.3

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(Nothing very interesting here actually, pretty standard regression to the mean in the rating, twenty-five thousand votes seems normal, and the BMeTric plot is standard stuff. Disturbingly boring.)

Leonard Maltin – 2.5 stars –  Las Vegas enforcer goes home to Seattle to investigate his brother’s death and meets one sleazy character after another who may have been involved. Routine crime drama, enlivened by high-powered car chases but burdened by show-offy visual gimmicks. Remake of the far superior 1971 film that starred Caine, whose role here is thankless. Gretchen Mol appears unbilled.

(Look at those settings. Magnifique. How in the hell does a Get Carter remake have show-offy visuals. We can only hope that there is a talking dog or an animated sidekick, because I can’t for the life of me think why this film would need to show off any visuals. Just be a badass action film.)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aQg27CqCV_M

(I guess now I understand what show-offy visuals are… weird coloring and the occasional dutch angle. This also might have been the peak of Sly Stallone mumblemouth. Just listen to that delivery on the line, “I’m Jack, Richie’s brother.” A simple line made incomprehensible.)

Directors – Stephen Kay – (BMT: Boogeyman; Get Carter; Notes: Directs mostly television now. Married to Piper Perabo (Cheaper by the Dozen 1 & 2). Nominated for the Razzie Award in 2000 for Worst Screenplay for The Mod Squad)

Writers – Ted Lewis (novel) – (Known For: Get Carter; The Snake; BMT: Get Carter; Notes: British author. Started as an animation specialist even working on Yellow Submarine. His Jack Carter series started the noir school of British crime fiction.)

David McKenna (screenplay) – (Known For: American History X; Blow; S.W.A.T.; Bully; BMT: Get Carter; Body Shots; Notes: Had 6 feature films made in 6 years following his break-out American History X. Used the pen name Zachary Long for Bully because he was unhappy with the finished product.)

Actors – Sylvester Stallone – (Known For: Creed; Rocky; The Expendables 2; The Expendables; Escape Plan; First Blood; Rocky Balboa; Bullet to the Head; Demolition Man; Spy Kids 3-D: Game Over; Rocky III; Antz; Rocky II; Victory; Cop Land; Cliffhanger; BMT: Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot; Driven; Rocky V; Staying Alive; Zookeeper; Get Carter; Judge Dredd; The Specialist; Rhinestone; Eye See You; Cobra; Rambo III; Over the Top; An Alan Smithee Film: Burn Hollywood Burn; Avenging Angelo; Daylight; The Expendables 3; Reach Me; Tango & Cash; Assassins; Rambo: First Blood Part II; Lock Up; Grudge Match; Oscar; Notes: There is literally nothing I can say to emphasize how important Sly is to BMT. We named the yearly cycle the Stallonian Calendar for God’s sake.)

Razzie Cred for Stallone: Won – 2000 for Worst Actor of the Century; 1990 for Worst Actor of the Decade; 2004 for Worst Supporting Actor for Spy Kids 3-D: Game Over; 1995 for Worst Screen Couple for The Specialist; 1993 for Worst Actor for Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot; 1989 for Worst Actor for Rambo III; 1986 for Worst Actor, Worst Screenplay for Rambo: First Blood Part II; 1986 for Worst Director, Worst Actor for Rocky IV; 1985 for Worst Actor for Rhinestone; Nominated – 2014 for Worst Actor for Bullet to the Head, Escape Plan, and Grudge Match; 2011 for Worst Director for The Expendables; 2002 for Worst Screenplay, Worst Supporting Actor, Worst Screen Couple for Driven; 2001 for Worst Actor for Get Carter; 1999 for Worst Supporting Actor for An Alan Smithee Film: Burn Hollywood Burn; 1997 for Worst Actor for Daylight; 1996 for Worst Actor for Assassins, and Judge Dredd; 1995 for Worst Actor for The Specialist; 1994 for Worst Screenplay for Cliffhanger, and Michael France; 1992 for Worst Actor for Oscar; 1991 for Worst Actor, Worst Screenplay for Rocky V; 1990 for Worst Actor for Lock Up, and Tango & Cash; 1989 for Worst Screenplay for Rambo III; 1988 for Worst Actor for Over the Top; 1987 for Worst Actor, Worst Screenplay for Cobra; 1986 for Worst Screenplay for Rocky IV; 1985 for Worst Screenplay for Rhinestone, and Phil Alden Robinson)

Also stars Rachael Leigh Cook (Texas Rangers) and Miranda Richardson (The Prince and Me).

Budget/Gross – $63.6 million / Domestic: $14,967,182 (Worldwide: $19,412,993)

(What in the fuck happened here? This is a trainwreck. This is even worse than Driven, which was released around the same time. Stallone’s worst major motion picture release until the recent Bullet to the Head (god I hate that film).)

#22 for the Action Remake genre

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(I. Love. Remake. Plots. The waves …. The waves! This is yet again one of those coming in at a downswing. It also looks like we are on a little downswing ourselves these days. The last three big ones were Red Dawn, Robocop, and Point Break. Oooooof. Yeah, we should probably let this genre breath for a bit boys.)

#59 for the Crime Time genre – Dramas or thrillers centered on the criminals and the world of crime.

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(Ha, holy shit. First, the steady incline through the 10’s is interesting. My theory? It is actually just a really consistent genre and the number of total theaters (either in total or reported by boxofficemojo) is just generally going up. And then, BOOM, the genre explodes and then reverts right back to pre-2010 levels again. Looking through the last five years they do seem to be very rarely very successful, so it was probably people getting all excited about The Departed, The Town, and American Gangster coming out post 2005. Get Carter came at kind of a nadir there.)

#52 for the Revenge genre

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(A rare one where the movie we look at predates the boom. And a boom that is still ongoing, this plot doesn’t include the hugely successful Deadpool from this year. The undesirable lead has been pretty big on tv recently (Breaking Bad, Fargo, etc.) and I would guess this plot kind of reflects that same growth since the early 2000s. A movie focused on revenge will typically have pretty dark elements to the leads I would guess.)

Rotten Tomatoes – 12% (7/60): A remake that doesn’t approach the standard of the original, Get Carter will likely leave viewers confused and unsatisfied. Also, reviews are mixed concerning Stallone’s acting.

(How… strange. This consensus must harken back to the days where RT actually tried to sum up reviewers’ feelings rather than just make a witty pun. That last tacked on part about Stallone’s acting is something I don’t recall ever seeing before.)

Poster – Get Skloger (B-)

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(Not a huge fan of the black and white poster because I don’t like posters that are mostly white. I do like the white font. That’s artistic. And I like how Stallone is artistically modified as well. Can’t totally blame them for the black and white either because there is an outside chance this is based on some of the original Get Carter art. Gonna give is a mediocre B-. Nothing special, but some good things too.)

Tagline(s) – The Truth Hurts (B-)

(I understand what they’re going for here. Stallone is going to hurt you and I guess he’s the truth (?). I just don’t think it’s particularly original (a lot of movies could use it) and doesn’t hint at the story enough (in fact it might be a bit misleading). Still pretty good as a whole once you think through it.)

Keyword(s) – enforcer; Top Ten by BMeTric: 52.3 Get Carter (2000); 25.4 The Package (I) (2013); 25.3 Mercenary: Absolution (IV) (2015); 21.4 Hummingbird (I) (2013); 19.9 Repo Men (2010); 18.1 Predators (2010); 15.0 Savages (2012); 11.8 B. Monkey (1998); 10.9 Interview with a Hitman (2012); 10.4 New Jack City (1991);

(What is this list. I’m starting to regret adding this keyword thing because this one is just weird. Honestly Get Carter is the only enforcer movie we would ever consider for BMT apparently. What a weird keyword IMDb)

Notes – Franchise Pictures was reluctant to cast Mickey Rourke in light of his troubled past as a Hollywood bad boy. Friend Sylvester Stallone, who put Rourke up for the role, guaranteed a portion of his salary so if Rourke did cause any delays or problems, the production would be covered. Rourke turned up every day on time and was a complete professional. His work impressed Franchise enough that they hired him shortly after for their next film The Pledge.

When Doreen asks Carter why he went away for so long, Carter responds, “That’s a long story.” Doreen replies, “It’s a long ride back.” These lines were also spoken in Rambo: First Blood Part II (1985) when John Rambo is speaking with his Vietnamese insider.

The original screenplay Stallone signed on for was much more violent and focused more on the “revenge” element.

Director Stephen Kay clashed with Franchise Pictures, the financier, over the tone of the film. Kay wanted the film to be more of an “anti-revenge” film, while Franchise wanted a more traditional Stallone action picture. (Ha. Odd, but I agree with the studio here)

There were plans to do a sequel which never materialized.

Awards – Nominated for the Razzie Award for Worst Actor (Sylvester Stallone)

Nominated for the Razzie Award for Worst Remake or Sequel

The Avengers Recap

Jamie

At certain points while watching The Avengers I started getting that special, flighty feeling in the pit of my stomach. The feeling I got when I first laid eyes on Chris Klein dropping lines from Birches. The feeling I got when Big Momma was delivering a baby/sermon. The feeling I got when a monster-alien stood atop the mountains of Mars screaming “Bananananananas!” Namely, it was the feeling that we were on the cusp of something special (in its own special BMT way). Unfortunately, we never quite got over the hump. Each time we seemed on the verge of crossing into Hall of Fame territory, the film reeled itself back into boring or downright confusing territory. It goes back to something I’ve said before about bad movies. To make a truly bad movie you need that special sauce: freedom. You need to have such buy-in from the studio that they let you do what you want without oversight. You need to be delusional and everyone around you needs to be too afraid to let you know that it’s all a disaster (or just not care cause it’ll probably make money anyway). The Avengers didn’t have that. The studio was horrified when they tested it and hacked the movie to pieces. That makes for fun in its own right, (I dare two people to watch this film and come out with the same plot synopsis) but it also means that it’s very difficult to reach the next level of craziness that we strive for at BMTHQ. Not for lack of trying though. There was a full 10 minute sequence where Sean Connery prepares to date rape Uma Thurmon that was seriously messed up (and fortunately averted at the last moment). I’ll end on that sour note.

No commentary this week as I’m sure the studio didn’t want anyone involved to speak on record about what happened. I’m also not going to talk about the adaptation aspect of the film as it was based on a television show and there was just no way to absorb enough material to make an adequate judgement (although I did watch pieces of several episodes). Instead I’ll just do a quick game I just made up. It’s a BMIT class I teach called Settings 101 and it’s where I try to measure how well the film took advantage of the setting it chose. The Avengers almost reached peak Settings level. It was explicitly set in London (and not some vague location in England), it was cued by maps, signs and addresses in the film, it was mentioned by characters, and a major landmark of the setting plays a role in the film (Big Ben is destroyed by a lightning bolt). This is basically A- material right here as far as Settings go. How could it have gotten to A+? Why by mentioning the setting in the title, of course. Next up on the syllabus, The Making of an A+: London has Fallen.

Patrick

‘Ello everyone. The Avengers? More like My Tormentor, amirite? The Avengers got street cred coming out of every which way. A film spoken about as the crown jewel of one of the worst summers in Hollywood history. Shoe in, right? BMTHOF easy right? Well…

  • The Good – I found the “storyline” somewhat interesting and Connery somewhat compelling. I liked trying to pick out places in London. Erg, in retrospect that is it.
  • The Bad – The movie is very slow moving. It is very confusing. No one besides Connery seems like they fit their characters, everyone is replaceable. There is a scene with a bunch of people dressed as teddy bears that is the second most bonkers scene in the movie! (The first being the aforementioned quite disturbing almost-rape scene). The characters live in a bizarre non-London with zero extras akin to I, Frankenstein. It doesn’t feel like a movie, it feels like a music video or something. Oh, and it has bar none the worst CGI I’ve seen since a Sound of Thund-ah.
  • The BMT – Well yes, but maybe not 70. This is interesting though. Usually when a street cred film doesn’t live up to expectations it is because the movie is secretly ahead of its time and kind of good (Freddy Got Fingered, Ishtar). This is the first one which I can say is objectively bad because it is hacked up, but it still just seems off. It feels like a 70, and is a 70, but yet probably wouldn’t make a bad movie film festival I organized. It is an enigma that breaks the BMeTric in a way.

I’ll close the review just by saying I was getting healthy whiffs of Wild Wild West throughout the film. I guess that isn’t surprising, those two movies came out amazingly close together, both were based on old television shows but targeted at younger audiences, and both were colossal failures and notorious black marks on the 90s movie archive. But there was a weird feeling of … cynicism? This idea of screw-the-source-material in a way. Not that I’ve seen either show to any degree, but the updating just feels wrong. At least the way both movies go about it does. This movie confuses me, I’m not joking. I think that is a trend in our recent spat of 70+ BMeTric film, general confusion about whether a movie is ahead of its time or dog poo in my face.

Quick game. Let’s go Sequel Prequel Remake and make a little sequel out of this. Connery is back as a sexy octogenarian lighting monster ready to electrify Uma’s heart once again! But can the Avengers pull double duty and also stop an evil banker, Max Moneygrubber, trying to pull off a complex multi-level Ponzi scheme? Will Connery help the light of his life to zap Moneygrubber or burn them once and for all? The Avengers: Max Attack! I just vomited in my mouth.

Cheerios,

The Sklogs

The Avengers (1998) Preview

I gotta tell you that I’m pretty excited for this next film. I remember when it came out and even as a middle schooler I was like “WTF mate.” It’s been bandied about for BMT before and its time in the sun is finally here. That’s right, we are watching The Avengers! Before you gasp and retire to your fainting couch let me make clear that this is not Marvel’s The Avengers. It is the 1998 adaptation of the 1960’s television show The Avengers. By all accounts the entire post-production for the film was a disaster and resulted in an incomprehensible mess. Released on August 14th (in the midst of the dump months) it is easily the worst film released on that day. Other than The Goods: Live Hard, Sell Hard, it’s really the only qualifying movie for August 14th period.

The Avengers (1998) – BMeTric: 78.4

Avengers_BMeT

(As usual with these types of things it just has gone up and up since IMDb became big-ish. Curiously, the rating has increased a bit over the time period. I have no idea why. Who was just clamoring to go to IMDb to give this a four or whatever? No one.)

Leonard Maltin – 2 stars –  Retread of the popular British TV show of the ‘60s about two saucy secret agents tries in vain to capture its stylishness and insouciance – but Fiennes is woefully miscast, Connery gives a one-note performance as a bad guy who wants to control the Earth’s weather, and a fine supporting cast is wasted. Thurman is likable enough, but the film is utterly flat.

(Insouciance – noun – casual lack of concern; indifference. Thanks Mr. Maltin, I’ve learned a new word that I would struggle to use in any context. Funny enough he destroyed this movie on his podcast, so where the hell does two stars come from? Also this sounds boring.)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kgTiFsCMCo4

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kgTiFsCMCo4

(Ugh. This trailers insouciance is offensive. You can almost tell they were trying their best to make a trailer out of what is definitely going to be a movie almost entirely constructed from cutting room scraps. This could either be our greatest triumph or literally the most boring moving on the planet.)

Directors – Jeremiah S. Chechik – (Known For: National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation; Benny & Joon; Tall Tale; BMT: The Avengers; Diabolique; The Right Kind of Wrong; Notes: Nominated for the Razzie Award in 1999 for Worst Director for The Avengers. Weirdly sparse bio for such a oddly impressive short directing career. Has stuck to tv for about twenty years now.)

Writers – Sydney Newman (television series The Avengers) – (BMT: The Avengers; Notes: Extremely influential titan of British television including heading the the BBC for several years. Sadly passed away within a year of this movie coming out.)

Don MacPherson (written by) – (Known For: Absolute Beginners; BMT: The Avengers; The Gunman; Crossing the Line; Notes: Nominated for the Razzie Award in 1999 for Worst Screenplay for The Avengers. What a strange guy. Wrote Crossing the Line in 1990, this in 1998 and then the Gunman in 2015 … nothing much else officially credited. According to wikipedia though it seems like he is the script doctor on a ton of movies and series.)

Actors – Ralph Fiennes – (Known For: The Harry Potter Series, Hail, Caesar!; Spectre; A Bigger Splash; Schindler’s List; The Grand Budapest Hotel; Skyfall; The Hurt Locker; In Bruges; Red Dragon; The Prince of Egypt; The English Patient; The Reader; Maid in Manhattan; The Constant Gardener; Great Expectations; The Duchess; Nanny McPhee Returns; Strange Days; Coriolanus; The Curse of the Were-Rabbit; The Invisible Woman; Quiz Show; BMT: The Avengers; Clash of the Titans; Wrath of the Titans; Notes: Nominated for the Razzie Award in 1999 for Worst Actor and Screen Couple  for The Avengers. Probably most famous for his roles in Schindler’s List, The English Patient and as Voldemort in Harry Potter. Incredible British stage and screen performer with the absolutely incredible real name of Ralph Nathaniel Twisleton-Wykeham-Fiennes)

Uma Thurman – (Known For: Pulp Fiction; Nymphomaniac: Vol. I; Kill Bill: Vol. 1; Percy Jackson & the Olympians: The Lightning Thief; Gattaca; Kill Bill: Vol. 2; Beautiful Girls; Nausicaä of the Valley of the Wind; Dangerous Liaisons; The Producers; Les Misérables; Henry & June; The Adventures of Baron Munchausen; My Super Ex-Girlfriend; BMT: Batman & Robin; Movie 43; The Avengers; Even Cowgirls Get the Blues; Johnny Be Good; Bel Ami; Be Cool; Motherhood; Playing for Keeps; Paycheck; Chelsea Walls; Jennifer 8; Notes: Nominated for the Razzie Award in 1999 for Worst Actress and Screen Couple for The Avengers, Nominated for the Razzie Award in 1998 for Worst Supporting Actress for Batman & Robin, Nominated for the Razzie Award in 1995 for Worst Actress for Even Cowgirls Get the Blues. Very famous for her involvement with Tarantino films, her career has been somewhat winding. Once married to Ethan Hawke and Gary Oldman as well.)

Also stars Sean Connery

Budget/Gross – $60 million / Domestic: $23,384,939

(Enormous, ridiculous, astounding bomb. So bad that it was the keystone to what is widely considered to be one of the worst summers in hollywood history, the summer of 1998.)

#49 for the Action Heroine genre (Just below BMT classic Elektra)

#64 for the TV Adaptation (Live Action) genre (That is a ridiculous ranking coming in below recent bomb Entourage)

Rotten Tomatoes – 5% (4/82): A TV spinoff that lacks enough energy to spin, The Avengers is an ineptly written, woefully miscast disaster.

(Low energy. A foreboding statement indeed. Everything about these descriptions makes this sound dull. This best have crazy BMstreeT Cred)

Poster – The Worst Thing I’ve Ever Seen (F)

avengers

(This is literally the worst thing that’s ever happened to posters. If (when?) I teach a class on bad movie posters and taglines this will be used as the example for when everything goes wrong. An insane person made this.)

Tagline(s) – Two amazing secret agents. One diabolical madman. Conditions are dark. The forecast is deadly. Tea, anyone? (F, what the hell?)

Saving the World in Style (B-)

(Alright, so I guess both kind of try and get the insouciance across. The first is just … it is the longest tagline. It was like I was reading it forever. At one point I think I fell asleep while reading it, then woke up, made breakfast, and I was still reading it. The second is okay but somewhat meaningless. I mean … I get the insouciance, but not much else.)

Notes – The film’s critical and commercial failure, along with the equally unsuccessful and equally maligned The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen (2003), was partly responsible for Sean Connery’s decision to retire from the film business. (As The Cat in the Hat would say: Ohhhh Yeaaaahhhhhhhh!)

Peter Bart’s book “The Gross” covered the film’s unfolding disaster in great detail. Among other facts: Warner Brothers greenlit the film largely on the strength of a star-packed cast and their appreciation of Jeremiah Chechik’s work on Diabolique (1996) and were horrified when seeing what the first cut was like. The first screening took place in front of a “largely Spanish-speaking, working class” audience in Phoenix, AZ who hated the film; the studio then forced Chechik to cut many of his favorite scenes and conduct reshoots; and the final cut went from 115 to 89 minutes and was completely incoherent. The studio even refused to hold further test screenings, or to have an official premiere before the film’s August 1998 release. (holy shit, yes!)

Speaking at the 2006 AFI Lifetime Achievement Award ceremony, Eddie Izzard said that he took a role in the film in order to meet Sean Connery. (ha!)

In the original script the part of Sir August was much smaller but when Sir Sean Connery joined the project he asked for the part to expanded. (Reminds me a little of Bulletproof Monk, where the role of The Bulletproof Monk was nonexistent in the material, but since Chow Yun-Fat was attached it became a main role)

At one point, David Fincher was interested in writing and directing the film with Charles Dance starring as John Steed. (If only there were alternate universes where we could see such a thing)

Producer Jerry Weintraub had hopes for sequels to the film, having spent around a decade trying to get the project green-lit. (Will be interesting to see whether the ending sets up for a sequel)

Awards – Won the Razzie Award for Worst Remake or Sequel

Nominated for the Razzie Award for Worst Picture

Nominated for the Razzie Award for Worst Actor (Ralph Fiennes)

Nominated for the Razzie Award for Worst Actress (Uma Thurman)

Nominated for the Razzie Award for Worst Screen

Nominated for the Razzie Award for Worst Supporting Actor (Sean Connery)

Nominated for the Razzie Award for Worst Director (Jeremiah S. Chechik)

Nominated for the Razzie Award for Worst Screenplay (Don MacPherson)

Nominated for the Razzie Award for Worst Original Song (Storm

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_RvySPx-mlQ

 sounds like a Bond opening)

On Deadly Ground Recap

Patrick

‘Ello everyone. On Deadly Ground? More like Not Made For Patrick! Let’s get into it.

  • The Good – The directing was shockingly solid. You heard me right. Makes me think Seagal just didn’t like directing. The action was brutal, some of the practical effects were genuinely amazing, and the entire part with Caine is kind of strangely appealing in a cynical fuck-you-corporate-America kind of way.
  • The Bad – It often comes across as a barely film. McGinley is terrible. The lines often cross into WTF-am-I-hearing territory, no human beings would talk like this. An unnecessary hallucination sequence in the middle which is just baffling. And a crazy monologue at the end which could not have been more trite.
  • The BMT – Of course. But I was right, it is like a 40 (borderline but not quite legendary), not a 60. Nailed the Seagal Adjusted BMeT (SABMeT).

I kept that part short on purpose because something happened while I watched this film, and it kind of relates to the SABMeT. Every so often when I watch a movie I think to myself “oh this is unpleasant”. Usually it is with movies like Sabotage where I get physically repulsed by the amount of violence and gore on screen. I’m a sensitive lad. Super violent movies just aren’t my jam. That happened during this film. Which is weird. I’ve only seen two Seagal films (On Deadly Ground and Fire Down Below, both for BMT), but for some reason I had the impression he was like JCVD, whose movies I find far more palatable (and with super karate action! Is it karate? I honestly have no idea).

And then it struck me: “Oh, this movie isn’t made for me”. It appears (I assume) to be serving a niche underserved market. People who want to watch Aikido (or perhaps any martial art), ‘splosions, and people getting shot in the face and blown up by claymore mines in gruesome and unyielding detail. No wonder Seagal appears to exist in his own realm of movies. Such unpleasant films are few and far between I imagine. Get yo money Seagal. Get yo money.

No time for another game. I was going to do a Tril-Oh-Geez (landmines featuring Double Team and this gem: I. Am. Not. Joking. ). But I’ll just leave it here. So philosophical these last couple of week. Loving the One-and-Done Director Cycle!

Jamie

There is a set of actors in the bad movie universe (not the BMTverse… there’s a distinct difference) where I’m not totally sure why they are so appealing to their loyal fanbase. On the rare occasions that we actually watch one of their films, I like to take the opportunity to try to better understand them. Steven Seagal is one of those actors (Jean-Claude Van Damme and Tyler Perry are two others that I can think of off the top of my head). We have watched one other film starring Seagal (Fire Down Below) and I can tell you I did not understand his appeal AT ALL after watching that shit. But that was late Seagal. Not fat Seagal, but still late. His star was fading. This was the first true blue Seagal film I have actually ever seen (shocking, I know). And I can tell you: I now get it. Seagal is three things: swearing like a sailor, the environment, and gruesomely murdering people that he deems deserving. Can I see why people are into that? Uh fuck yeah (minus the whole environment thing, which is kinda a Seagal quirk). Am I into it? Not totally. While fun, I was getting a bit queasy around the seventh time he shot someone in the face at point blank range. Regardless, I get it. And that’s what BMT is all about.

One small thing to note is that this film didn’t just take place in Alaska. It is Alaska. I loved it. Great setting film.

Anywho, this movie was not based on a book (although two Seagal films are: The Patriot and Exit Wounds), but if it was it would be based on a book called The Rainbow Warrior where an Inuit warrior, Aklark, fed up with the oil company destroying his home, decides to fight back. While the oil company may have the firepower, The Rainbow Warrior has the power of nature behind him. The book is notable for the number of times that Aklark calls upon the animal kingdom to gruesomely murder someone, as well as a climactic scene where Aklark transforms into a bear and mauls the president of the oil company to death. Reviews for the book were… poor.

On Deadly Ground Preview

Alright, onto this week. Once upon a time a boy named Steven Seagal stumbled inadvertently into fame after giving an aikido demonstration for a bunch of Hollywood talent execs hopped up on cocaine (probably). They thought it was totally kick ass and immediately allowed him to star in five major motion pictures, culminating in Under Siege (a wild success). After reading The Art of the Deal by Donald Trump (probably) he was all like “I have leverage” and was like “I totally won’t do Under Siege II unless you let me direct my next film.” The execs were horrified. They needed the sweet, sweet Under Siege II dollars to fuel their obsessive speedboat collecting habits. So they said yes and he made a little movie called On Deadly Ground and everyone in the world lived happily ever after. That’s the story of our next film. The only directorial effort by the late, great Steven Seagal (Patrick’s Note: Steven Seagal is not dead). He apparently decided not to direct again because how can you improve at something you’ve perfected? We now get to watch his perfection. Let’s go!

On Deadly Ground (1994) – BMeTric: 62.8

OnDeadlyGround_BMeT

(BMT University Alert! Months ago I postulated that an adjustment to the BMeTric needed to be made, a Genre Adjusted BMeTric (GABMeT, the first part of an adjusted BMeT+), in order to account for the fact that Horror films have a small bizarrely devoted fanbase who watches everything and is perfectly willing to throw out ratings on IMDb. It artificially inflates the BMeTrics of Horror films and leaves us baffled. I’m going to say it now: Seagal is the same. His straight-to-video film from 2015 has 2000 votes on IMDb … 2000! How?! Who watches these things?! Baffling. So this is probably like … a 40 in my Seagal Adjusted BMeTric (SABMeT). Book it.)

Leonard Maltin – 1.5 stars – After the critical/popular success of Under Siege, Seagal was allowed to direct this fast-fader about the raping of Alaska’s interior by an oil company run by evil Caine. Spiritual mumbo-jumbo halfway through look like an outtake from The Doors, and the star’s anticlimactic final speech (and the obligatory wrist-snapping) had fans bolting for the exits. Caine looks as if he’s undergone cosmetic surgery by Dwight Frye.

(Leonard should have just stopped at “evil Caine.” No need to say more. I’m in. He then descends into film nerd jokes that only he would get. I do not understand either The Doors reference or the Dwight Frye thing. Finally, I can’t wait to enjoy Seagal’s anticlimactic speech. I feel like BMT was built on anticlimactic speeches.)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kyD_6_jFB8A

(I wonder if this is the only case of the White Savior trope being used in reference to the inuit people? Probably. Love, love, love the line “I’m gonna reach out and touch somebody here.” Bwhahahahaha.)

Director(s) – Steven Seagal – (BMT: On Deadly Ground Notes: For Razzie info see below. His lone directorial debut. It is said that he got to do this because he agreed to be in Under Siege II: Dark Territory. This was a small production until Seagal was attached at which point its budget ballooned.)

Writer(s) – Ed Horowitz (written by) – (BMT: On Deadly Ground; Exit Wounds; Notes: Nominated for Worst Screenplay, On Deadly Ground (1994); Teaches at UCLA and is known for his work with Segal in addition to writing for La Femme Nikita.)

Robin U. Russin (written by) – (BMT: On Deadly Ground; Notes: Nominated for Worst Screenplay, On Deadly Ground (1994); Teaches as University of California Riverside and the author of Screenplay: Writing the Picture.)

Actors – Steven Seagal – (Known For: Machete, Executive Decision, Under Siege, The Perfect Weapon, Above the Law; BMT: On Deadly Ground, The Patriot, Half Past Dead, Fire Down Below, Ticker, The Foreigner, Under Siege 2: Dark Territory,  Into the Sun, The Glimmer Man, Exit Wounds, Maximum Conviction, Hard to Kill; Notes: For Razzie info see below. We all know Seagal. We rode that sweet high-octane martial arts wave from the late eighties, through the 90s, and (like many a-wave rider) became a parody of himself in the 2000s. He is still making movies, but basically straight-to-video stuff. His fanbase does appear strong though judging by the number of IMDb votes his recent movies receive (that I’ve never heard of, let alone seen). Make yo money Seagal, haters gonna hate.)

Razzie Info for Segal: Won for Worst Director, On Deadly Ground (1994); Nominated for Worst Actor, On Deadly Ground (1994), Fire Down Below (1997), and Half Past Dead (2002); Nominated for Worst Supporting Actor, Executive Decision (1996); Nominated for Worst Original Song, Fire Down Below (1997) For the song “Fire Down Below” (!!!!!! He genuinely helped write that song!)

Also stars Michael Caine!

Budget/Gross: $50 million / $38,590,458

(Oooooooooooof. Why does this movie cost $50 million? Why would they give that to Seagal for his directoral debut? How much of that budget went to ‘splosions? Hopefully a lot. In reality Seagal probably gave most of it to Caine and himself and then laughed all the way to the bank.)

Rotten Tomatoes: 10% (3/30), No consensus yet.

(Bah, I’m going to give it a consensus. Not even evil Michael Caine can save this disastrous directorial debut. Explosions galore, but ultimately underwhelms.)

Poster – Bob Ross-esque (B-)

ondeadlyground

(There is something mesmerizing about this poster despite it being a bit crowded. I like the title font and really like the tones. Seagal’s giant orange face mixes nicely with the burning building and the sunrise and all that fades picturesquely into the darker background. It’s like a painting that Bob Ross would have painted. I can’t stop staring at it. This means something…)

Tagline(s) – His Battle To Save The Alaskan Wilderness And Protect Its People Can Only Be Won… (D)

(… On Deadly Ground. Let me just finish that little guy for you. Way too long. Almost a perfect example of informative, but boring. And stupidly incorporating an already stupid title into the tagline, just not a good look all around.)

Notes – The final scene when Forrest Taft gives the speech about the oil companies and air pollution, was originally 11 minutes long. Audiences complained that it was overlong and preachy. The scene was re-edited before release. (fuck you audiences, do you think I can find this?)

There were allegations that Michael Caine and Steven Seagal didn’t get along. However, in Caine’s memoir, The Elephant To Hollywood, he stated that he liked working with Seagal and the crew, but hated filming in Alaska, even joking that “On Deadly Ground” was an apt title. (This has been settings facts, brought to you by Jamie’s weird obsession)

Steven Seagal agreed to appear in Under Siege 2: Dark Territory (1995) if Warner Bros. allowed him to direct this film. (good deal bro)

After Warner offered Steven Seagal the directorial reins for this film, then titled Rainbow Warrior, the budget blew out when bigger and more explosive action scenes were written into the screenplay. Warner turned to indie production company Largo Entertainment to share some of the cost. In return, Largo would get the international rights to the film. However, after Under Siege (1992) opened, and performed beyond Warner’s expectations, Warner decided to fully finance the film themselves.

On Deadly Ground was not Steven Seagal’s first choice to make his directorial debut. He was initially offered the mafia drama “Man of Honor” as a starring/director/writer vehicle by Twentieth Century Fox and Morgan Creek Productions, but cost overruns, and Fox’s unwillingness to plonk down $30+ million dollars for the film, forced the pic to shutdown, just weeks away from filming.

Razzie Awards 1995, Won for Worst Director, Steven Seagal

Razzie Awards 1995, Nominated for Worst Picture

Razzie Awards 1995, Nominated for Worst Actor, Steven Seagal

Razzie Awards 1995, Nominated for Worst Actress, Joan Chen

Razzie Awards 1995, Nominated for Worst Screenplay, Ed Horowitz, Robin U. Russin

Razzie Awards 1995, Nominated for Worst Original Song, Mark Hudson, Klaus Meine, For the song “Under The Same Sun”.

Firestorm Recap

Patrick

‘Ello everyone. Firestorm? More like Fire-whoever-thought-this-movie-was-a-good-idea, bam! Howie Long oh How-I Longed for you. Been missing him since 3000 Miles to Graceland. Let’s get into it.

  • The Good – Howie Long was better than expected, really hung tough with the rest of the cast (I apologize to the rest of the cast). Um … the ending was so bonkers as to be fun. If you can get to it it is pretty much worth it.
  • That being said, you ever flip through the backwoods of cable tv channels and stumble across that weird made-for-tv action movie starring the Boz or whoever and were like “oh this might be fun”, but then after 3 minutes you are like “oh yeah, no, I can feel my lifeforce bleeding out of me while watching this”? If you have, you know what Firestorm is like.
  • It does have one of the most ridiculous bad guys we’ve seen. When he has his weird blond wig and goatee on he is literally on par with Bananas from Ghosts of Mars.
  • And the aforementioned ending involving a Howie Long two hand overhead ax throw into the badguy’s chest from under water. I heard he did that at the combine to convince the Raiders to draft him. And then the bad guy comes back! Amazing.

What a weird movie. I hardly have an opinion about the movie because it is barely a movie. A little too close to made-for-tv or Van Damme territory for me, like Stone Cold (starring the Boz, natch). I was reasonably entertained though, congrats Firestorm.

And of course I want a remake. Almost any athlete vehicle can be remade because guess what? There is a whole new crop of athletes that can star in it! And of course JJ Watt will star in Perfect Firestorm. And of course the bad guy will be Ray Liotta. And of course Kaley Cuoco will costar as the spunky birdwatcher caught in the middle of it all. And of course our friends and family can be Executive Producers, it will be the number one stipulation in any screenwriting contract I sign. I’ve drawn up the paperwork, it is just waiting for a signature.

Jamie

FIRESTORM! I’m not going to dive too far into the actual film. Patrick took care of that. Instead I would like to point out something interesting: it takes place in Wyoming. How is it possible that Wyoming has two major BMT titles (Have You Heard About the Morgans? and Firestorm)? Seems like the type of state that would barely scrape by with one. It also begs the question: If we were forced to make an ultimate mapl.de.map, which of the films would be chosen? Have You Heard About the Morgans? is largely forgettable, but it is soooo Wyoming. Firestorm is fucking Firestorm, but almost seems like it’s set in Wyoming as an afterthought. What are we to do? Patrick suggests we resort to BMeTric. It’s cold and calculated… developed to replace us. These are the questions we are developing our algorithms to tackle (so you don’t have to).

For this movie I feel like Stone Cold was too on-the-nose as a real comparison. It’s almost like they are twin movies. Fire & Ice. I kept on being reminded of Bats for some reason. A wide release that was largely forgotten and has the feel of a SyFy Channel original.

For my BMTsolution, Firestorm was not based on a book. If it were based on a book, though, it would be a gritty 70’s pulp action book in the same vein as First Blood. Jesse Graves is a former smokejumper just returned from Vietnam. On his first jump back, he finds himself suddenly recalling his wartime jungle-burning experiences and nearly dies in his crazed attempt to escape his memories. In the process, he inadvertently injures the captain of the smokejumping crew. Several months later, the captain is retiring due to his injures and Graves is on desk duty. A group of prisoners, led by the psychopathic Randall Sharp, manage to escape work duty by brutally murdering the prison guards tasked with keeping them in line (who planted the weapons they used? What a mystery!). In order to hinder their pursuers, the prisoners set the Montana forest aflame. The smokejumpers jump to the rescue but find themselves ambushed by Sharp and his crew. All are slain except for Julie, Graves’ girlfriend (!), who is taken as a hostage (“and a mighty pretty one too” – a prisoner creepily notes). Can Graves jump one more time and take out these prisoners once and for all? Or will he be caught in the… FIRESTORM!

These books will be part of a series of novels I write called Based-on-the-Book, where I write books that movies would have been based on if they were adaptations… but they’re not adaptations of the films themselves. It’s a nuanced difference.

Cheerios,

The Sklogs

 

Firestorm Preview

For the action film in our Aiiiirrrrrbbbbaaalll!! category (films featuring/starring athletes) I’m sure most of you thought Simon Sez starring Dennis Rodman was a sure slam dunk. But sometimes BMT eschews the most common choice to forge ahead on the road less travelled… and sometimes we forget that Simon Sez exists. Wherever the truth lies, we are actually watching Firestorm starring Howie Long this week. That’s right! The Howie Long. From those Radioshack commercials (and I guess he also played for the Raiders or whatever). This should be fun. Let’s go!

Firestorm (1997) – BMeTric: 27.2

(As one would expect. As the votes steadily increase so does the BMeTric. I do wish I had time dependent data, then I could actually see how this BMeTric is changing through time. My guess is that this is in reality quite stable and has hovered in the 25 range for a while.)

Leonard Maltin – 1.5 stars – Wily con Forsythe and cohorts have pulled off a prison escape, incinerating a Canadian forest as their “cover.” This makes the job of smoke jumpers (who parachute into difficult fires) all the more risky. By-the-numbers script is fashioned as an action vehicle for athlete Long, who suggests what Ed Harris might look like if he couldn’t move his facial muscles.

(Hard slam by Leonard. You hear that Howie? That’s your Hollywood dreams going up in smoke. This doesn’t sound enjoyable btw.)

Trailer- https://youtu.be/Bb3e6rv5gl4

(Anyone else f-in amped?! Yo Smokejumpaaaaaah! Howie throws all kinds of lumberjack tools around. There is terrible CGI. He’s riding a rad motorcycle. He gets the girl (duh). They say the name of the film in the trailer. It. Has. Got. It. All.)

Director(s) – Dean Semler – (BMT: The Patriot (with Steven Segal); Firestorm. Notes: Acclaimed Cinematographer from Australia known for Dances with Wolves and the Max Mad series. The second unit director for Super Mario Bros, and recently the cinematographer for Paul Blart 2. Can’t make this shit up.)

Writer(s) – Chris Soth (written by) – (BMT: Firestorm. Notes: Author of “Million-Dollar Screenwriting”, he is a prolific script doctor apparently authoring over 40 screenplays. This is his only credited work.)

Actors – Howie Long – (Known For: Broken Arrow; That Thing You Do! BMT: 3000 Miles to Graceland (seen it); Firestorm. Notes: Also known for being an NFL Defensive End for the Raiders. This will complete his BMT filmography for us.)

Budget/Gross: $19 million / $8,165,212

(Oooooooooof. In what universe does a Howie Long vehicle earn like $40 million at the box office? Who was in charge of this?)

Rotten Tomatoes: 12% (3/25), No consensus yet.

(As a stand in for the consensus I’ll just give you this: “The action movie for which the term ‘by-the-numbers’ might have been coined.” Solid. I’m up for a by-the-numbers Howie Long action bonanza)

Poster – Crazy Eyes Howie (C)

7d04e-firestorm-63

(I liked this poster because of giant crazy-eyes Howie staring into my soul. He’s seen some shit man. He’s a smokejumper. It is pretty by-the-numbers though.)

Tagline(s) – Fight fire with fire. (F)

(Is Howie Long “fire” here? Why do I get a sneaking suspicion this tagline makes absolutely no sense. Someone had a Big Book of Cliches and just picked one from the chapter entitled “Fire”.)

Notes – First cinema feature of Barry Pepper. (of Battlefield Earth fame!)

Veteran parachutist Keith Perepelkin died after his main chute failed during a stunt where he jumped from a helicopter onto “Squamish Chief” in British Columbia, Canada. The stunt was performed in violation of the Canadian filming permit. (Oh that’s sad. It is always sad to see stunt people get hurt)

The film was originally set up at the now defunct Savoy Pictures. When Savoy had the project, the film was going to be more epic in scale, with comprehensive visual and computer effects. Savoy even offered Sylvester Stallone $20 million to star, which he accepted. However, the studio went bust before the film was made. Twentieth Century Fox picked up the script from “turnaround” and fashioned it into a more intimate, smaller budgeted movie as they were looking to only spend $30 million dollars on the picture. (Oh wow, that is super interesting stuff. Now I get to watch this with Stallone in mind.)

The Gunman Recap

Patrick

‘Ello everyone! The Gunman? More like No Fun, Man!!! Unless you are super into Sean Penn’s aging strongman bod, this movie probably isn’t for you. His creepy old man face perched upon that ripped bod will haunt my dreams. Speaking of which:

  • For some reason this film is about concussions. It’s like Sean Penn was watching a documentary about the NFL and thought to himself “do you know what this movie needs … me as an assassin in Africa.” It was also really bold to also make this movie about the dangers of HGH (you just got served Sean Penn’s bod).
  • The movie could not be more muddled. Like … you know what the movie is about, but you are just hanging on by your fingertips. One trip to the bathroom and you don’t recover, you are lost for the rest of the movie.
  • The acting is also bonkers at times. Idris Elba floats in just to spout monologues about treehouses, Javier Bardem is fake drunk, and Sean Penn is just ridiculous. They really just let loose. It was a bold move, and strangely kind of works. If Javier reigned it back just a smidge it might have worked out.
  • And yet, I was mostly entertained for the duration of the film. The back third is weaker, I kind of wish they set most of the film in Congo, rather than moving around Europe. I’m surprised at just how poorly it did, seems like people really took the “Taken with Sean Penn” narrative and (unfairly) ran with it. The sheer number of moving parts and hidden subplots is actually a really interesting way to tell a story, even if it leaves you kind of floating and lost every so often.

I’m kind of digging the idea of taking a current totally unrelated issue (concussions) and cross pollinating with a movie idea (Taken). Let’s see. Current controversy: Affirmative action in American universities. Previous movie: Snake Eyes starring Nicolas Cage. The film takes place during the Superbowl (the biggest gambling day of the year) and corrupt police detective is there to oversee local law enforcement at the venue. During the course of the film it is revealed that the star quarterback (Tim Broady) of the Boston Pioneers is taking bribes to throw the game. But is the scandal all to cover an assassination attempt on the Chief Justice of the Supreme Court (played by Nic Cage) prior to his ruling on affirmative action?! The answer is yes … yeah, it was all a cover for that. I’m going to call it Moneyline.

Jamie

Wait, is Moneyline real? Like can I buy tickets for it right now?… someone tell me if this is real so I can buy tickets to it.

I’m going to keep this brief since Patrick covered the review quite nicely. I am pretty surprised that The Gunman got as bad reviews as it did. Did it have some overacting? Was it fairly confusing? Did it have a ridiculous subplot about concussions and CTE? Yes, yes, and yes. But was it all that bad? Not really. I actually kind of dug it. You see a contradiction here?

For this week’s game I’m going to do another BMTril-oh-geez. This is where I group last week’s film with two other subpar films that share a common theme of sorts to create a terrible, terrible trilogy that masochists can watch in their free time. Due to the extreme ridiculousness of the concussion subplot in The Gunman and the coincidental simultaneous release of the Will Smith vehicle Concussion (“Tell the truth!”),  I bring you the BMTril-oh-geez official Concussion trilogy:

  • The Gunman – obviously.
  • The Ladykillers  – arguably the worst Coen Brothers film to date, but it’s not the worst at having major characters with CTE. One of the band of thieves is a former football player named Lump who is pretty dim cause of all the concussions he had. Hilarious! Also funny sidenote is that J.K. Simmons’ character in the film is named Garth Pancake… meaning that with Unfinished Business it also makes two legs of the Pancake trilogy for films with characters with the last name Pancake.
  • A Dirty Shame – John Waters made this little ditty where people in a town are slowly turned into fetishistic sex addicts through a series of concussions. No characters named Pancake to be seen though.

So there you have it. A true Concussion BMTril-oh-geez of mediocrity with The Gunman, The Ladykillers, and A Dirty Shame.

Cheerios,

The Sklogs