Bad Movie Twins

Major League II Recap

Jamie

I was just thinking the other day how infrequently I rewatch movies. If you look at films made from 2010 onwards I think I’ve only seen four or five more than once. This of course is totally different from the heyday of Comedy Central. I watched Major League and Major League II so many times that they legit melded into one three and a half hour movie in my head. Tanaka is in Major League as far as my brain is concerned. How did Jake both bunt to win the pennant and coach the ALCS? Parkman was the bad guy in both films, right? RIGHT?! This is just a byproduct of how we consume movies and how you can pretty much watch everything you want at the push of a button. Is that better? I can only assume so since if I grew up now I wouldn’t have watched Major League II a million times.

To recap, Wild Thang is back, Jack! What’s that? Wild Thing wasn’t really the main character of the first film? That’s true, but we need the young blood to take over as a romantic lead (wolf whistle, wolf whistle). It’s a new year and lucky for us viewers the team is back to their hilarious, hapless ways. Pedro is now a Buddhist. Willie Mays Hayes is an action star and wants to be a power hitter (not to mention having some botched plastic surgery that has left him looking like a totally different person). Wild Thing has a publicist GF that has him concerned about his bad boy image. Worst of all Jake Taylor is even older and being replaced by his nemesis Jack Parkman and a loveable dummy Rube. After the team is sold to former player Roger Dorn (ha!) they tell Jake he’s going to stay on as a coach. Things… they don’t go well. Parkman is almost immediately dugout poison and is traded for a Japanese player named Tanaka. Dorn, since it’s laughable he was able to buy a team in the first place, immediately has to sell it back to Rachel Phelps from the first movie. Again threatening to move the team (seriously?) the coach Lou has a heart attack and Jake has to take over. Things hit rock bottom with a big fight, which in turn sparks passion and a hot streak that takes them back to the postseason. Meanwhile Vaughn struggles with his uptight GF and a previously unmentioned ex-GF who liked his bad boy energy. In Game 7 of the ALCS, Vaughn is called out from the bullpen having regained his edge and smokes Parkman to win… presumably to lose in the World Series. THE END.

It’s amazing how many of the iconic Major League things I remember from my youth actually come from this, to be perfectly frank, much much worse sequel. So it has a lot of moments to remember, for sure. It just pales in comparison to the first film, which on rewatch is kind of perfect. It feels so authentic in its baseball team comedy kind of way. Rated R… is that for violence or nudity or anything? No. Not even the slightest. It’s simply because a bunch of ball players are talking like ball players. It’s kind of amazing. The second one just kind of sucks from the jump. Of course this is in part because they try to recapture the magic of the first film, but it feels like they ended up shrugging their shoulders. How do you take a team that just went to the ALCS and make it seem plausible they now suck again and might move? Any and every way possible. Doesn’t matter how hackneyed.They also made the movie PG! It’s insane. At one point Wild Thing (Wild Thing!) asks his ex-GF out to talk and they go on a pizza date. Are they 15? It’s a kids movie. It has no marbles.

Hot Take Clam Bake! While it may seem that I denigrated pizza right there by implying that I didn’t want a za date in my movie, that is wrong! I love pizza! In fact I’ll go a step further and say unequivocally that pizza… it’s good. I know, I know. Hot take. But it’s true. Bread. Tomato sauce, Cheese. A variety of toppings. Good. Tasty. I enjoy it. But also, wholesome. I enjoy eating za with my family on a Sunday night. If Rick Vaughn aka Wild Thing busted into my living room asking for some of that za I might be concerned. He’s a bad boy. He might punch me. He might eat all the za. He might, in fact, engage in a variety of not-very-PG behavior. Might be downright R-rated. You see where I’m going with this? Pizza: good. Pizza and Rick Vaughn aka Wild Thing: not good. Hot Take Temperature: A piping hot slice of za.

Patrick?

Patrick

‘Ello everyone! *gif of me walking out the door to BMTHQ while Wild Thing plays on blast and everyone cheers, I’m back baby!* Let’s go!

Here’s the thing … Major League is a very fun film, and an incredible cable film from the 90s. It played over 100 times on television and I’ve probably seen bits and pieces of the first a dozen times. It is fun and dumb and sure a bit racist but still fun. It just harkens back to a time when baseball was important you know?

The second one … well. Let’s start with the good. Berenger is fun. Uh, it is like one of those sequels which is just identical to the original. That was a very very 90s thing that is somewhat fun to revisit. That’s the good

The bad? Well, the film is somehow even more racist than the first! Specifically there is now a Japanese player which is hanging with Haysbert which is pretty startling to see in 2024. I actually wonder, is the character just a response to Japanese players entering the MLB? Or is it some knock-on effect of the general fear of the Japanese takeover that was still reverberating through Hollywood scripts or something? Who knows.

And then the entire thing is also inevitable, but with no tension since you know the eeeeeeeevil baseball player has to be defeated in the end.

Did I mention that Charlie Sheen’s character tries to go straight throughout the film much to his dirtbag fanbase’s chagrin. And he has an embarrassing apartment, a whole girlfriend character we’ve never met before, and a rehashed storyline whereby he wants to save his career by throwing changeups and shit.

The film is genuinely very bad … but in a pretty amusing way. Outside of the racism. That isn’t amusing.

In the end then yeah, I think this is a pretty entertainingly bad film. And it is nice that we are working through our baseball bad movies. Actually … I’m going to check that.

So yeah, I don’t really count the baseball keyword from IMDb (but like … I’m looking at you Hook). But even just looking at the wikipedia we have a few left. How Do You Know from 2010, in which someone gets cut from the Softball Olympic Team. The Scout, The Fan, Mr. Baseball, The Slugger’s Wife, Little Big League, Brewster’s Millions, Mr. Destiny, Taking Care of Business, Stealing Home, and The Final Season. Jesus, we have a lot of baseball films left.

There is an actual in-movie Product Placement (What?) for Right Guard that Charlie Sheen is in. Obviously, still a Setting as a Character (Where?) for the always hapless Cleveland, Ohio. And, sure a Worst Twist (How?) for the obvious result that the team unexpectedly makes the World Series in the end. This film is hilariously BMT IMO, just aggravatingly weird dumb.

Learn all about Celeveland and sports in the Quiz I assume. Cheerios,

The Sklogs

Major League: Back to the Minors Quiz

Oh man, I guess I’m going to have to learn about minor league baseball … that sounds like no fun if I’m being honest. Let’s go!

Pop Quiz Hot Shot!

1) The film’s finale takes place in the Hubert H. Humphrey Metrodome. For whom was Hubert Humphrey vice-president?

2) The first film was written by David S. Ward, and he is still talking about making a proper third film and banishing this one to the Phantom Zone. Ward was nominated for two films. One, a caper film from 1973, and the other a romantic comedy from 1993. Name either.

3) Minor League baseball. We’ve seen a film about Minor League Baseball (kind of, Summer League Baseball really). Summer Catch with Freddie Prinze Jr. What league did they play in in that film?

4) The song Turning Japanese by the Vapors featured heavily in the film. It also features in another film starring Chris Farely. Can you name that film?

5) Walter Goggins played Billy ‘Downtown’ Anderson in the film. He has also been nominated for two Emmys. One for Justified. And another more recently for a popular television show based on a video game. Name that show/video game.

Bonus NYTimes Listing Question: Going up against Back to the Minors’ primetime debut was this sequel. The original, in a funny connection, starred Tom Berenger. What is the original film called?

Answers

Major League II Quiz

Sports right? I’m definitely going to learn about sports. Let’s go!

Pop Quiz Hot Shot!

1) Well, we’ll get to sports. First, in a fun reference there is a business in the film called Emilio’s [BLANK] Service, named after an Emilio Estevez and Harry Dean Stanton movie. What word fills in the blank?

2) Alex Cox directed Repo Man, and also the film Walker about William Walker, the famous … filibuster? Turns out that is a name given to people during the Manifest Destiny era of the United States who went into neighboring countries and established colonies in preparation for annexation. Walker was notably the president of what country for a brief time?

3) Wild Thing was listed as number 257 on Rolling Stone’s 500 Greatest Songs of All Time in 2004. Who performed the most famous rendition of this song?

4) The Cleveland Indians are now the Cleveland Guardians. What are they named after?

5) And further, the Cleveland Guardians were originally the Grand Rapids Rustlers. Between 1900 and 1914 the team was the Cleveland [BLANK], name any one of the four other names (not Indians or Guardians) the team took on during that period.

Bonus NYTimes Listing Question: On March 4th, 1995, Major League II premiered primetime on HBO. At the same time, on channel 55, this film played:

What is that film?

Answers

Major League: Back to the Minors Preview

Patrick scans the crowd of BMTverse denizens that surrounded him in The Waste, all ready to send him on whatever ludicrous adventure they had in mind. Stonewall Jackson? Nah. Pistachio Disguisey? Definitely not. The Punisher? He shakes his head. Suddenly, far in the back he finds what he’s looking for. “You!” Patrick yells, pointing at Freddie Prinze Jr. “Which one are you?” he asks seriously. “My name’s Ryan Dunne and I seem to have lost my stuff. If you could just…’ At this point Patrick cuts him off. “Great, perfect. You got your glove and a ball? Great, nice.” He moves people out of the way and stands approximately 60 feet from FPJ. “The best way to get back your stuff is to believe in yourself. It’s been inside you the whole time, etc. etc.” At that, Patrick bends over, still looking at FPJ. “Now show me what you got,” Patrick says, waggling his head at the ready for a fastball directly to his dome. FPJ shrugs his shoulders and despite some questionable mechanics delivers a strike that knocks Patrick on his ass.

Patrick awakens and as his vision clears he’s shocked to see the marquee of the wildlife theater come back into view. Cobra is now properly playing, but that’s not the shocking part. Below that are the words “Cobra 2: Crimedemic, World Premier!” He turns to Kyle and asks whether he’s still dreaming. Kyle shakes his head and pats him on the back. “You were glorious,” he assures Patrick without elaborating on how exactly he helped make this a reality. The owner of the theater rushes up to him and pumps his hand enthusiastically. “We made it. My little theater has finally made the major leagues thanks to you and, of course, your best friend Sly Stallone.” That’s right! We are going back to back again, Jack. Major League is one of the best sports comedies of all time. Major League II is not. Major League: Back to the Minors is… also not. Let’s go!

Major League: Back to the Minors (1998) – BMeTric: 52.3; Notability: 41

StreetCreditReport.com – BMeTric: top 4.0%; Notability: top 14.8%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 18.4%; Higher BMeT: The Avengers, 3 Ninjas: High Noon at Mega Mountain, Species II, I Still Know What You Did Last Summer, The Patriot, Lost in Space, Knock Off, Holy Man, Ringmaster, Godzilla; Higher Notability: Godzilla, Lost in Space, 54, Deep Rising, Soldier, Patch Adams, U.S. Marshals, Mercury Rising, Jack Frost, Great Expectations, Senseless, My Giant, Practical Magic, Mafia!, The Avengers, Species II, The Waterboy, The Replacement Killers, Phantoms, Wrongfully Accused, and 17 more; Lower RT: 3 Ninjas: High Noon at Mega Mountain, A Murder of Crows, The Curve, Lulu on the Bridge, The Avengers, Almost Heroes, Tarzan and the Lost City, Senseless, Strangeland, I Still Know What You Did Last Summer, Species II, Phantoms, Knock Off, Woo, Meet the Deedles, A Night at the Roxbury, The Proposition, Firestorm, Holy Man, Hush, and 25 more; Notes: Played 23 times on cable in the 90s. Ridiculous. If you look at all of the higher BMeT films, that is actually quite high (tied with The Avengers for the most). We are also 12 of 15 for those films for BMT which is amazing. We really have crushed the late 90s. Holy Man is the big blind spot really, Ringmaster and the 3 Ninjas sequels are kind of not movies.

Variety – This third outing in the “Major League” series, which opened unceremoniously without press screenings, won’t set any box office records.

(My god! I wonder how many of the BMT films we’ve done didn’t do press screenings. That would be something that is probably impossible to figure out.)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o6-wczHGRHk/

(Jesus, the baseball trill at the beginning is so loud! I don’t get this film. Remember that film that you liked? And the sequel you … tolerated. This is a totally different team with all the most aggravating characters being the only ones we brought back.)

Directors – John Warren – ( BMT: Major League: Back to the Minors; Notes: Oh wow, he directed and wrote the very early Pauly Shore film The Curse of the Inferno. How wild. Played like 10 times on television too improbably.)

Writers – David S. Ward – ( Known For: The Sting; Sleepless in Seattle; Major League; The Program; The Milagro Beanfield War; Cannery Row; I’ll Find You; Steelyard Blues; Saving Grace; Future BMT: Flyboys; King Ralph; The Sting II; BMT: Major League II; Major League: Back to the Minors; Notes: This would just be for the characters I imagine from the originals. The Program is a wild film which I will be watching soon. Remember all the controversy surrounding that? Read about it.)

John Warren – ( Known For: Naked in New York; Flashfire; Girl in the Cadillac; BMT: Major League: Back to the Minors; Notes: Flashfire starring Billy Zane with Harry. I genuinely kind of watch to watch it, it is probably terrible enough to be a friend.)

Actors – Scott Bakula – ( Known For: American Beauty; Source Code; The Informant!; Life as a House; Behind the Candelabra; Lord of Illusions; Cats Don’t Dance; Geography Club; My Family/Mi familia; Elsa & Fred; The Captains; Basmati Blues; Summertime; Me Him Her; Divinity; Enter the Dangerous Mind; A Passion to Kill; Future BMT: Necessary Roughness; Sibling Rivalry; BMT: Color of Night; Major League: Back to the Minors; Notes: Nominated for five Emmys, four times for Quantum Leap, and for Behind the Candelabra. Again, I genuinely kind of want to watch A Passion to Kill, a weirdo obscure 90s thriller.)

Corbin Bernsen – ( Known For: Kiss Kiss Bang Bang; Major League; The Big Year; King Kong; The Hating Game; Lay the Favorite; The Dentist; The Great White Hype; Tales from the Hood; S.O.B.; The Dentist 2; Suing the Devil; Clambake; Disorganized Crime; Dead Air; Left Behind: Rise of the Antichrist; Sunrise in Heaven; Christian Mingle; Three the Hard Way; Roe v. Wade; Future BMT: Shattered; Radioland Murders; Hello Again; BMT: Major League II; Major League: Back to the Minors; Notes: All of his future BMT are lame, but like … The Dentist series will have to be done in some capacity at some point. The Franchise Man demands it.)

Dennis Haysbert – ( Known For: Heat; Wreck-It Ralph; Kung Fu Panda 2; Ted 2; Jarhead; Sin City: A Dame to Kill For; Mr. Peabody & Sherman; Major League; Breach; Absolute Power; Sinbad: Legend of the Seven Seas; Far from Heaven; Chip ‘n Dale: Rescue Rangers; No Exit; Dear White People; Love & Basketball; Secret Obsession; Naked; Kodachrome; Experimenter; Future BMT: The Thirteenth Floor; Men, Women & Children; Think Like a Man Too; Playing with Fire; Mr. Baseball; Summer Camp; BMT: The Dark Tower; Fist Fight; Major League II; Random Hearts; Navy Seals; Major League: Back to the Minors; Notes: I’m surprised he wasn’t nominated even once for 24, the second season would have made a lot of sense. And wow, he was also in Mr. Baseball. So into baseball.)

Budget/Gross – $18 million / Domestic: $3,572,443 (Worldwide: $3,572,443)

(That is hilariously low, but not surprising. I remember renting this from All-Star Video. I suppose as a kid I watched the first two on television, and then this came out and I was like yes yes yes …. No! That’s my reaction when I watch it finally.)

Rotten Tomatoes – 22% (4/18)

(Wow, way higher than the second. Let’s see about a consensus: Dull and unwatchable. An ignominious end to an already dumb series.)

Reviewer Highlight: Yogi, it’s deja vu all over again.

Poster – Majorly Ugh: We’re Back, Jack!

(Honestly better than the second one. I’m not as embarrassed for this poster because they (rightfully) went back to the basics. That font on “Back to the Minors” though is unfortunate. I believe it is meant to convey that this isn’t your daddy’s Major League. C+)

Tagline(s) – They’re Just Nine Players Short of a Dream Team (A)

(Ha! It’s long but I feel like it can only lose the “Just” so I just have to admit defeat. This is a god damn masterpiece. I’m still chuckling about it! A tagline! Beautiful.)

Keyword(s) – 1991-1999

Top 10: Home Alone 2: Lost in New York (1992), Hook (1991), Batman & Robin (1997), Batman Forever (1995), Big Daddy (1999), Ace Ventura: When Nature Calls (1995), Godzilla (1998), Event Horizon (1997), Demolition Man (1993), The Bone Collector (1999)

Future BMT: 86.8 Street Fighter (1994), 83.0 Inspector Gadget (1999), 79.3 Home Alone 3 (1997), 75.5 Look Who’s Talking Now (1993), 74.9 Junior (1994), 72.4 The Next Karate Kid (1994), 71.9 Mr. Magoo (1997), 68.1 The Crow: City of Angels (1996), 67.2 Turbo: A Power Rangers Movie (1997), 67.1 Mr. Nanny (1993), 63.5 Showgirls (1995), 61.8 Pet Sematary II (1992), 61.6 Cop & ½ (1993), 61.2 Beethoven’s 2nd (1993), 60.5 The Mangler (1995), 60.1 Spawn (1997), 59.9 Children of the Corn II: The Final Sacrifice (1992), 59.6 Jury Duty (1995), 59.0 Suburban Commando (1991), 58.2 Child’s Play 3 (1991)

BMT: Batman & Robin (1997), Mortal Kombat: Annihilation (1997), Speed 2: Cruise Control (1997), The Avengers (1998), Baby Geniuses (1999), Spice World (1997), Barb Wire (1996), Kazaam (1996), Super Mario Bros. (1993), RoboCop 3 (1993), Highlander II: The Quickening (1991), Jason Goes to Hell (1993), Universal Soldier: The Return (1999), Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot (1992), Steel (1997), Bio-Dome (1996), Striptease (1996), Species II (1998), Freddy’s Dead: The Final Nightmare (1991), The Island of Dr. Moreau (1996), I Still Know What You Did Last Summer (1998), Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers (1995), Wild Wild West (1999), Double Dragon (1994), Anaconda (1997), It’s Pat: The Movie (1994), Lawnmower Man 2: Beyond Cyberspace (1995), Cool as Ice (1991), Wing Commander (1999), Highlander: The Final Dimension (1994), On Deadly Ground (1994), Dudley Do-Right (1999), Double Team (1997), Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III (1993), Vampire in Brooklyn (1995), The Flintstones (1994), The Haunting (1999), Leprechaun (1993), Bats (1999), Fair Game (1995), Cool World (1992), North (1994), Body of Evidence (1993), Problem Child 2 (1991), …

Best Options (franchise): 79.3 Home Alone 3 (1997), 75.5 Look Who’s Talking Now (1993), 72.4 The Next Karate Kid (1994), 68.1 The Crow: City of Angels (1996), 67.2 Turbo: A Power Rangers Movie (1997), 61.2 Beethoven’s 2nd (1993), 60.5 The Mangler (1995), 59.9 Children of the Corn II: The Final Sacrifice (1992), 58.2 Child’s Play 3 (1991), 57.2 3 Ninjas Kick Back (1994), 56.1 Son of the Pink Panther (1993), 52.3 Mighty Morphin Power Rangers (1995), 52.3 Major League: Back to the Minors (1998), …

(Someday we’ll smash out some Mighty Morphin Power Rangers and it will be … well not glorious, but it’ll be something. The first was one of the first films we watched in theaters as a kid. The first was Hook. I fell asleep.)

Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 15) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Dennis Haysbert is No. 3 billed in Major League: Back to the Minors and No. 5 billed in Random Hearts, which also stars Harrison Ford (No. 1 billed) who is in Hollywood Homicide (No. 1 billed) which also stars Josh Hartnett (No. 2 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 3 billed) => (3 + 5) + (1 + 1) + (2 + 3) = 15. If we were to watch Necessary Roughness, and The Glass House we can get the HoE Number down to 14.

Notes – Roger Dorn (Bernsen), Pedro Cerrano (Haysbert), Duke Temple (Yeager) and Harry Doyle (Uecker) are the only characters to appear in all three films in the Major League series.

In Roger Dorn’s Minnesota Twins owner suite, a number 4 Lou Collins jersey hangs in a case, a reference to Timothy Busfield’s character in Little Big League (1994).

Shot in early October in Charleston, South Carolina, 1997, during an unseasonably cool fall. All of the night scenes were made to look as though the games were being played during hot mid-summer nights, when in actuality, temperatures dipped into the 30’s.

The “South Carolina Buzz” were actually the Salt Lake Buzz – which was the Pacific Coast League farm team of the Minnesota Twins. Formerly the Portland Beavers, the franchise moved to Utah in 1994 and had 7 straight winning seasons. In 2001, the team became part of the Anaheim Angels organization under the name Salt Lake Stingers. Both team were named in honor of the Salt Lake Bees, who originally played in SLC on and off from 1915 to 1970. Since 2006, the team is once again called the Salt Lake Bees.

During a Milwaukee Brewers broadcast, Bob Uecker once talked about this film to his partner in the booth and asked him is he’d seen it. When the partner said he hadn’t, Uecker told him “Well don’t. That movie was so bad that it opened in airplanes the week we finished it.”

Major League II Preview

Major League II (1994) – BMeTric: 42.5; Notability: 51

StreetCreditReport.com – BMeTric: top 12.8%; Notability: top 8.4%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 4.1%; Higher BMeT: Police Academy: Mission to Moscow, Street Fighter, Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Next Generation, Junior, The Next Karate Kid, It’s Pat: The Movie, Double Dragon, On Deadly Ground, The Flintstones, North, The Fantastic Four, Leprechaun 2, 3 Ninjas Kick Back, Exit to Eden, In the Army Now, Color of Night, Car 54, Where Are You?, Richie Rich, Beverly Hills Cop III, Blank Check, and 12 more; Higher Notability: The Flintstones, Wyatt Earp, The Shadow, Beverly Hills Cop III, Ready to Wear, Love Affair, North, Radioland Murders, The Pagemaster, I Love Trouble, On Deadly Ground, Exit to Eden, Street Fighter, The Scout, Drop Zone, Blown Away, Speechless, Junior, D2: The Mighty Ducks, Baby’s Day Out, and 1 more; Lower RT: Police Academy: Mission to Moscow, It’s Pat: The Movie, Death Wish: The Face of Death, Wagons East, The Silence of the Hams, House Party 3, Car 54, Where Are You?, Holy Matrimony, Getting Even with Dad, A Low Down Dirty Shame; Notes: Major League II was shown 67 times in the 90s, that’s pretty crazy. Compare that to 52 to Police Academy: Mission to Moscow, 6 for Street Fighter, and 10 for Texas Chainsaw: The Next Generation. This is definitely a huuuuuuuuuge cable film around the time. You best belieb we’ve watched Silence of the Hams as well … on VHS. It is exclusive to VHS. Man, 1994 was a wild time.

RogerEbert.com – 1.5 stars – Fans of “Major League” (1989) may want to see “Major League II.” I did not see the first film and am not in that category. Nor is there anything in “Major League II” that inspires me to go back and catch up on the earlier film. … There’s one bright spot: On the basis of this dismal attempt, the team will probably not be back next season.

(Ha! Wrong on that count. I can’t believe he didn’t see the first. It is a good film though, so I wonder if he ever did. There still isn’t a review of the original on the website.)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QGnW5gh4WZE/

(Hahaha, the voice over. The number of people they replaced is sunny. Honestly Epps is arguably better than Snipes. But making the dumb fans a bigger deal with Randy Quaid is one of the many mistakes this film makes.)

Directors – David S. Ward – ( Known For: Major League; The Program; Cannery Row; Future BMT: Down Periscope; King Ralph; BMT: Major League II; Notes: Man, should I read Cannery Row? Steinbeck. Tempting. All of his directorial efforts were huge 90s television hits.)

Writers – David S. Ward – ( Known For: The Sting; Sleepless in Seattle; Major League; The Program; The Milagro Beanfield War; Cannery Row; I’ll Find You; Steelyard Blues; Saving Grace; Future BMT: Flyboys; King Ralph; The Sting II; BMT: Major League II; Major League: Back to the Minors; Notes: He won the Oscar for The Sting, and was nominated for Sleepless in Seattle. King Ralph, we are coming for you.)

R.J. Stewart – ( Known For: The Rundown; And God Created Woman; BMT: Major League II; Notes: And God Created Woman seems like a ridiculous film. “Robin marries Billy to get out of jail” … how does that follow?)

Tom S. Parker and Jim Jennewein – ( Known For: Stay Tuned; Future BMT: Richie Rich; Getting Even with Dad; BMT: The Flintstones; Major League II; Notes: Stay Tuned is a wild wild film. And wait, Jeffery Jones was in that and Mom and Dad Save the World? Two ridiculous ideas.)

Actors – Charlie Sheen – ( Known For: Platoon; Ferris Bueller’s Day Off; Being John Malkovich; Wall Street; Hot Shots!; Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps; Hot Shots! Part Deux; Badlands; Major League; Young Guns; Red Dawn; The Arrival; Eight Men Out; The Chase; The Wraith; Lucas; Foodfight!; Beyond the Law; Good Advice; Cadence; Future BMT: Due Date; Scary Movie 3; Scary Movie 4; Machete Kills; The Three Musketeers; Loaded Weapon 1; Money Talks; The Rookie; Men at Work; The Big Bounce; Madea’s Witness Protection; All Dogs Go to Heaven 2; Shadow Conspiracy; BMT: Scary Movie V; Major League II; Navy Seals; Terminal Velocity; Notes: Nominated for four Emmys all for Two and a Half Men. Cadence. A real film starring Charlie and Martin Sheen that played on television 66 times in the 90s.)

Tom Berenger – ( Known For: Inception; Training Day; Platoon; Born on the Fourth of July; Faster; Major League; The Big Chill; Gettysburg; Eye See You; The Substitute; Shoot to Kill; The Sentinel; Brake; Someone to Watch Over Me; The Gingerbread Man; The Dogs of War; Bad Country; A Murder of Crows; Looking for Mr. Goodbar; Eddie and the Cruisers; Future BMT: Sniper; Shattered; Chasers; Betrayed; Rustlers’ Rhapsody; BMT: Sliver; Major League II; Notes: Nominated for an Oscar for Platoon. I just watched him in Fear City. His hair was incredible, but not enough Billy Dee Williams.)

Corbin Bernsen – ( Known For: Kiss Kiss Bang Bang; Major League; The Big Year; King Kong; The Hating Game; Lay the Favorite; The Dentist; The Great White Hype; Tales from the Hood; S.O.B.; The Dentist 2; Suing the Devil; Clambake; Disorganized Crime; Dead Air; Left Behind: Rise of the Antichrist; Sunrise in Heaven; Christian Mingle; Three the Hard Way; Roe v. Wade; Future BMT: Shattered; Radioland Murders; Hello Again; BMT: Major League II; Major League: Back to the Minors; Notes: Nominated for two Emmys for L.A. Law. He really was in some junk in the 90s. Like Aurora: Operation Intercept … what is that? Played 16 times on television, so it was a real film people could have watched.)

Budget/Gross – $25 million / Domestic: $30,626,182 (Worldwide: $30,626,182)

(That is terrible. Like … really terrible. The only odd thing is Major League only made $50 million. How did it become such a phenomenon. I would have definitely guessed it was one of those $100 million comedies of the 90s.)

Rotten Tomatoes – 5% (1/21): Striking out on every joke, Major League II is a lazy sequel that belongs on the bench.

(My god that is low. I’m not surprised. The film is genuinely quite racist and weird. It isn’t funny, and is just annoying. I guess I’m saying that the percentage makes sense.)

Reviewer Highlight: Baseball’s wild bunch from Cleveland take the field again. Plods ahead with cliches. Pleasantly predictable. – New York Times listings

Poster – Majorly Ugh 2

(I’m actually embarrassed for this poster. At least it’s got that beautiful, beautiful font and crazy baseball mascot. C)

Tagline(s) – The dream team is back! (F)

(Nooooooooooooo! The dream team is back?! Nooooooooooo! I seriously would have given it a D if they added a “Jack” to the end.)

Keyword(s) – 1991-1999

(This is a bonus. Back to the Minors is the actual choice and is pretty solid. 50+. We did consider Children of the Corn at one point.)

Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 16) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Dennis Haysbert is No. 4 billed in Major League II and No. 5 billed in Random Hearts, which also stars Harrison Ford (No. 1 billed) who is in Hollywood Homicide (No. 1 billed) which also stars Josh Hartnett (No. 2 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 3 billed) => (4 + 5) + (1 + 1) + (2 + 3) = 16. If we were to watch In Too Deep we can get the HoE Number down to 14.

Notes – Baker’s inability to throw the ball back to the pitcher was based on former New York Mets catcher Mackey Sasser. Sasser was very successful at throwing out runners attempting to steal second, but had a mental block causing him to flinch several times when trying to throw the ball back to the pitcher. Many baserunners took advantage of this affliction and stole bases while he was triple pumping his throw, and/or lollipopping the throw back.

While Camden Yards doubled as Cleveland Municipal Stadium, scenes depicting Indians road games were filmed mostly at nearby Baltimore Memorial Stadium.

The character Isuro Tanaka was something of an anomaly of that time. At the time of the film’s release, there were no Japanese players in the Major Leagues, and only one Japanese player had ever played (briefly) for a ML team. The influx of Japanese players in US Major League baseball didn’t begin until a few years after the film’s release.

Wesley Snipes wasn’t able to reprise his role of Willie Mays Hayes, and was replaced with Omar Epps

Kevin Hickey, who plays Indians pitcher Schoup, made his major debut in 1981 as a pitcher for the Chicago White Sox, the very team the fictional pitcher Schoup plays against in the film.

Borderlands Recap

Jamie

There is always the tenuous tightrope we walk as we pursue four appropriate BMT Lives in a year. We want bad movies that are clear BMT qualifiers (like Madame Web). But we also don’t want them to be so bad that they aren’t fun. We want fun bad movies (like Madame Web). But they also have to be big and bold. They gotta have stars (like Madame Web). They also gotta say something about film and where it’s going. It’s gotta have some cultural cache that we can really chew on (like Madame Web). And you gotta be able to meme it… well maybe that’s a soft requirement. But maybe being able to think fondly about the crazy sunglasses one character wears at the end of the film is a positive… theoretically of course (like Madame Web). Anyway, I’m hoping Borderlands fits the bill and isn’t another Keeping up with the Joneses (the what?) Exactly.

To recap, Lilith is recruited The Expendables style to find and return Atlas’ daughter Tina on the planet Pandora. Pandora is not only the planet where it’s been long rumored that a “Vault” exists that contains immense power (attracting hunters from all over), but is also Lilith’s home. Anyway she arrives on the planet and yada yada yada she finds a robot Claptrap programmed to follower her, Tiny Tina hiding out, and a couple other misfits, Krieg and Roland, who have decided to keep Tina safe and specifically away from Atlas (this is literally yada yada yada’d in the film, so don’t worry about it). Turns out she was genetically modified to be able to find the Vault and Atlas just wants her so that he can use her to find it. Thus begins the hunt. They find the woman who raised Lilith after her mother died, Dr. Tannis, and with her help they locate the keys needed to direct them to the vault. This involves a big ol’ battle through some maniacs and teleportation and similar very exciting things. At this point Lilith decides not to give Tina back to Atlas, but there is a classic misunderstanding and Tina and the rest go off without Lilith for the vault. Ultimately they find the vault, but it turns out that it was Lilith the whole time who was the key (what a twist!). A big battle ensues and Atlas demands that Lilith open the vault for him or he will kill Tina. She obeys, but using her vault powers as the Firehawk (ooo) they trap him in the vault. Now in her true form as the hero of Pandora, Lilith and her new family celebrate with the citizens of the plant. THE END.

You could separate this film into two pieces. The first half is basically junk they needed so that they didn’t start with a fifteen minute text crawl or voice over. It’s cobbled together from reshoots and montages. Me and Patrick looked at each other in disbelief at what we were witnessing because we had paid for a movie. What we were seeing resembled a wikipedia synopsis page more than a movie. The second half at least was a movie. A very predictable one, but something where a robot said jokes, crazy action sequences were shown, and a MacGuffin was pursued. So you have a complete zero for maybe ⅓ of a film and then a 4 for the other ⅔, which comes out to 8/3. That’s my rating. Anyway, I think the only other thing I want to specifically mention is I liked Jack Black’s robot character. He was funny (as opposed to Kevin Hart for some reason) and Cate Blanchett came off fine, but Jamie Lee Curtis was terrible in this. I can already feel this erasing from my brain.

Hot Take Clam Bake! I think Lilith and Roland are going to make it in the long haul, everyone. What’s that? Roland and Lilith didn’t smooch at the end of the film? I just imagined it? Whaaaaaaaa? I mean, didn’t anyone else notice the sparks flying between Cate Blanchett and Kevin Hart? I was having flashbacks to watching Fifty Shades Darker in the theaters. Hooooo weeeeee. Hot Take Temperature: Firehawk.

Patrick?

Patrick

‘Ello everyone! *gif of me looking confused as a clip from earlier in the film is edited into a scene later in the film in a non-sensical manner* Let’s go!

The good? I mean, if you are looking for dumb fun the movie is something that is entertaining on, for example, an airplane. There are almost no stakes, everything is supremely predictable, and there is the perfect audience approved ratio of action to exposition.

The bad? Everything else. The beginning is almost completely incomprehensible. There is some stuff when Blanchett first arrives on Pandora which is very very clearly reshoots, specifically a strange voiceover sequence. In the sequence you see her talking to some Mad Max-esque children and I was like “what the hell is happening here”. Then twenty minutes later Blanchet frees a bunch of Mad Max-esque kids from a truck and they run off and it is like … oh, I see, they shot a whole bunch of stuff which really really didn’t work, and so they cut it all into a montage to just get Blanchet from her arrival on Pandora to the point where she meets Jack Black-bot. But they had to have an explanation for her getting the truck later on, so that was left in even though it is incredibly obvious bits of it was wildly out of order at that point.

I guess I’m saying you can see the seams of this movie. People are barely acting on the same stage. Apparently Jack Black did the voiceover for the robot like years ago. The reshoots were assuredly done with only Blanchet involved. If you power through that first thirty minutes though the end is kind of dumb fun with a few fun action set pieces.

The film though … I can’t see it as anything but lazy, and that is almost never fun. You need to be earnestly thinking you are making a good movie. Unfortunately the actors and director all probably knew the whole thing was a mess from the beginning and so nothing ends up being fun. It is mostly just sad and tragic.

If you want a highlight as to why AI analysis of movie data is somewhat amusing in the abstract, here is the quite unexpected interaction I had about the Borderlands poster. I asked it a simple question: how many characters from the Borderlands movie are featured on the poster. I fully expected it to either say 5 (because the robot doesn’t really look like a character in the poster, another character is sitting on it), or 6 (because there are six names at the top). But instead it said seven. The interaction went like this: “Name the 7 characters” Proceeds to name the six characters. “That’s only six” Oh sorry, there are seven names at the top of the poster. “There are only six names at the top of the poster” Oh sorry, it’s because there are seven characters in the image. “Who is the seventh?” A character called King who is in the video games and I don’t know if he’s in the movie, but he might be … The most normal of all AI interactions.

Anyways, Setting as a Character (Where?) for the alien planet of Pandora. Huuuuuuuge MacGuffin (Why?) for The Vault which contains something completely unknown but definitely awesome that everyone wants for sure. And Worst Twist (How?) for the realization that, shocker, it was Cate Blanchet all along who was the super secret key to everything. This movie was almost unwatchable, bland, and dumb looking, I think it is Bad.

Learn all about video games probably in the Quiz. Cheerios,

The Sklogs

Borderlands Quiz

I genuinely have to wonder … what can I learn from the experience or watching Borderlands? Maybe something about video games? Let’s go!

Pop Quiz Hot Shot!

1) The eeeeeevil corporation in Borderlands is called Atlas. Atlas was a Titan who fought against the Gods of Olympus and was condemned to hold up the sky//Earth/whatever. What was the Titan v. God battle officially called in mythology?

2) Absolutely classic movie song in this one with Ace of Spades. Who sang Ace of Spades?

3) A new Borderlands game is actually coming up this year (2025), which is crazy. But … what number game is that? We are talking about the main series only.

4) Cate Blanchet has been nominated five separate times for Best Actress. Screw it, name all of the films.

5) Kevin Hart’s character’s name is Roland. We’ve seen a character named Roland in the Stephen King adaptation, The Dark Tower. Rowland of the Dark Tower though was originally coined in what Shakespeare play?

Bonus NYTimes Listing Question: Obviously this film couldn’t have been on television in the 90s. Cate Blanchett even is barely in any films which could have played then. One of the two films though was Oscar and Lucinda which debuted on January 8th, 1999, going up against this BMT classic:

What is this film?

Answers

Borderlands Preview

“Oh, I didn’t really mean you should come over to set right now,” Kevin James says, rubbing his neck. He’s dressed as Barney Rubble opposite Sly Stallone’s Fred Flintstone in what seemed to be a film where Fred and Barney are transported to the present day. “So there aren’t any dinosaurs at all?” Kyle says in wonder, looking at the very normal looking suburban set. “No… it’s a fish-out-of-water story. Guys, really, It’s not a great time,” Kevin James says nervously and looks over at Sly’s trailer where a group of PA’s are knocking furiously at his door. “Aha, Sly is being Sly, I see,” Patrick says, rubbing his hands together. “Classic Sly.” Kevin James tries to distract them with the craft services table, pointing out the many ways in which sandwiches can be constructed. Kyle is more interested in a prop newspaper with the headline ‘Fred Flintstone Elected Mayor: Promises to Solve Town’s Water Treatment Issue,’ and a date of April 22nd, 1998. His head is spinning. Patrick is still distracted by Sly Stallone’s trailer. “You want me to talk to him?” He asks Kevin James, who tries to grab him by the arm. “I’m going to go talk to him,” Patrick says with a smirk and strolls up to the trailer, scattering PA’s in his wake. “Yo! Adrian!” Patrick yells at the trailer door and then turns back to Kevin James. “That’s just something we do. It’s fun,” he says, smirking even harder. “Stop! Or my mom will shoot!” Patrick continues and at that the trailer door slams open, smashing directly into Patrick’s face.

He wakes up in a desert landscape he recognizes. Strange people surround him. “Welcome to The Waste,” they say, but Patrick springs up immediately. “Nah, this is just the borders of my imagination.” That’s right! We are going Live! for the smash bomb of the year in Borderlands. This is the live action adaptation of the video game Borderlands, which I’ve never played and possibly never even seen a clip from. You think that will hinder or help my enjoyment here? Let’s go!

Borderlands (2024) – BMeTric: 68.3; Notability: 54

StreetCreditReport.com – BMeTric: top 0.4%; Notability: top 0.0%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 2.7%; Higher BMeT: Madame Web; Lower RT: Tyler Perry’s Divorce in the Black, The Painter, Wanted Man, Summer Camp, Megamind vs. The Doom Syndicate; Notes: Rare is it that we actually manage to hit at not one but two top BMT films of a year as Live entries. Madame Web and Borderlands were so astonishing they were inevitable and I’m quite glad we watched both in theaters as they were intended.

RogerEbert.com – 1 star – Roth, a director I’ve defended in the horror genre a few times, is remarkably inept at directing action. When the film bursts into gunfire, to call these sequences incoherent would be polite. I’m not sure if cinematographer Rogier Stoffers and/or editors Julian Clarke & Evan Henke deserve some of the blame, but the fight scenes are baffling in their construction. They’re cut in a way that makes it impossible to know the geography of an action scene, or really to care about what happens in them. It may sound picky, but a movie based on an action video game needs at least to provide visceral, escapist entertainment in the guns-and-punches department. There’s not a single memorable action beat in this movie. Not one.

(Yeah, also the film is cut to shit. It is clear that they had a film of film and just had to do something to get it out in a reasonably understandable form. Even if that meant janky voiceover where scenes you can SEE are from later in the film are shown out of order for no real reason. It is insane. It needs to be seen to be believed.)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Icnysn53neU/

(Oh jesus this trailer is so loud. I feel like I’ve seen this trailer a thousand times before. And none of those movies were good. I have no idea what they were thinking with this dumb movie.)

Directors – Eli Roth – ( Known For: Hostel; Grindhouse; Knock Knock; Hostel: Part II; Cabin Fever; Thanksgiving; The House with a Clock in Its Walls; Fin; Future BMT: The Green Inferno; BMT: Death Wish; Borderlands; Notes: Famously his role in Inglorious Basterds was supposed to be taken by Adam Sandler, which would have been pretty cool I think.)

Writers – Eli Roth – ( Known For: Hostel; Grindhouse; Knock Knock; Hostel: Part II; Cabin Fever; The Man with the Iron Fists; Thanksgiving; Aftershock; Cabin Fever; Future BMT: The Green Inferno; BMT: Borderlands; Notes: That is kind of amazing. Something tells me we aren’t getting to Green Inferno anytime soon. Honestly, Roth isn’t really my style in general.)

Joe Crombie – ( Notes: He genuinely seems to have a writing credit. He’s mostly credited as an editor.)

Actors – Cate Blanchett – ( Known For: The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring; The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King; The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers; The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey; Thor: Ragnarok; The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug; The Curious Case of Benjamin Button; Don’t Look Up; The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies; Hot Fuzz; Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull; The Aviator; Eyes Wide Shut; How to Train Your Dragon 2; Babel; Robin Hood; The Talented Mr. Ripley; Ocean’s Eight; Blue Jasmine; The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou; Future BMT: The Monuments Men; Elizabeth: The Golden Age; BMT: Borderlands; Notes: I do love looking deep into someone’s filmography and seeing those weirdo films people must have forgotten about (right?). Pushing Tin? Cate Blanchett was in Pushing Tin?)

Kevin Hart – ( Known For: The 40-Year-Old Virgin; Jumanji: Welcome to the Jungle; This Is the End; Jumanji: The Next Level; Fast & Furious Presents: Hobbs & Shaw; The Secret Life of Pets; Central Intelligence; The Five-Year Engagement; DC League of Super-Pets; The Secret Life of Pets 2; The Upside; The Man from Toronto; Death at a Funeral; Think Like a Man; Lift; Fatherhood; Me Time; Captain Underpants: The First Epic Movie; Top Five; About Last Night; Future BMT: Scary Movie 3; Get Hard; Along Came Polly; Scary Movie 4; Little Fockers; Superhero Movie; Drillbit Taylor; Night School; Meet Dave; Soul Plane; Think Like a Man Too; In the Mix; Not Easily Broken; Back on the Strip; BMT: Ride Along; Epic Movie; Fool’s Gold; The Wedding Ringer; Ride Along 2; Grudge Match; Borderlands; Notes: What do you think the chances are that any of the following upcoming projects actually happen: Monopoly, Ride Along 3, The Great Outdoors, Planes, Trains & Automobiles. I guess I could see Ride Along 3 (finally!), but the other ones feel unlikely.)

Edgar Ramírez – ( Known For: The Bourne Ultimatum; Zero Dark Thirty; Jungle Cruise; Bright; The Girl on the Train; Joy; Gold; Yes Day; Hands of Stone; The Last Days of American Crime; Wasp Network; Resistance; The Liberator; Furlough; Emilia Pérez; The Quietude; Saluda al diablo de mi parte; An Open Heart; A Dot and a Line; Cyrano Fernández; Future BMT: Vantage Point; The Counselor; Deliver Us from Evil; Domino; The 355; BMT: Wrath of the Titans; Point Break; Borderlands; Notes: From Venezuela. Who could forget his role in Point Break! Such a memorable role indeed.)

Budget/Gross – $110–120 million / Domestic: $15,460,525 (Worldwide: $30,951,794)

(Mein gott! But yeah, they filmed this film at least twice and there is abundant CGI, so obviously a $100 million film was inevitable. But you’d think if WB was onto something they would have eaten it to get tax breaks or something instead of releasing it at all.)

Rotten Tomatoes – 10% (15/154): Glitching out in every department, Borderlands is balderdash.

(Woooooooo, sub-10% films are so rare, i sure do hope it stays that low. And yep, although consensus which boils down to: this is incoherent nonsense.)

Reviewer Highlight: Like the original first-person shooter game, “Borderlands” is set on a junkyard planet named Pandora that was once a home base for an advanced alien species, but has since been overrun by violent marauders and women with formidable push-up bras. – Amy Nicholson, New York Times

Poster – Moreboredlands

(There is too much going on here and the font is terrible, but I kind of dig how weird the color of the title is.That neon yellow like color is very unusual. C-)

Tagline(s) – Chaos loves company. (B+)

(This is a classic BMT tagline. It’s following my rules very closely. Playing on a common phrase, short, and something to do with the film… ish. I actually like it. Just a little generic.)

Keyword(s) – 2024-2024

Top 10: Dune: Part Two (2024), Deadpool & Wolverine (2024), Furiosa: A Mad Max Saga (2024), Civil War (2024), Road House (2024), The Fall Guy (2024), The Beekeeper (2024), Inside Out 2 (2024), Kingdom of the Planet of the Apes (2024), Godzilla x Kong: The New Empire (2024)

Future BMT: 68.4 The American Society of Magical Negroes (2024), 65.9 Night Swim (2024), 64.2 The Strangers: Chapter 1 (2024), 62.9 Tarot (2024), 59.0 Imaginary (2024), 57.9 The Exorcism (2024), 48.0 The Crow (2024), 35.4 The Garfield Movie (2024), 19.8 Back to Black (2024), 16.0 Harold and the Purple Crayon (2024)

BMT: Madame Web (2024), Borderlands (2024), Argylle (2024), The Watchers (2024)

Best Options (wiki-video game): 65.7 Borderlands (2024)

(Video game films are fun. We actually basically have three left (Uncharted, Prince of Persia, and Street Fighter), a few Uwe Boll films (BloodRayne and House of the Dead), and the entire Resident Evil series. Then we are basically done. Throw in Ratchet & Clank because it features the dulcet tones of one Sylvester Stallone and we got a stew cooking.)

Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 16) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Kevin Hart is No. 2 billed in Borderlands and No. 5 billed in Grudge Match, which also stars Robert De Niro (No. 1 billed) who is in Righteous Kill (No. 1 billed) which also stars Al Pacino (No. 2 billed) who is in 88 Minutes (No. 1 billed) which also stars Leelee Sobieski (No. 3 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 1 billed) => (2 + 5) + (1 + 1) + (2 + 1) + (3 + 1) = 16. If we were to watch Elizabeth: The Golden Age we can get the HoE Number down to 12.

Notes – The movie was shot in the summer of 2021 and Eli Roth’s first director’s cut was reportedly finished in early 2022. However, it was shelved for over two years due to extreme studio interference while the film was in post-production. Appalled by the film’s extreme violence, the studio wanted the film to be marketed as a blockbuster and hired Tim Miller to do extensive reshoots on the project. These reshoots ended up comprising so much of the final movie that Steve Jablonsky had to write an entirely new musical score, as the original score by Nathan Barr no longer fit the film.

Eli Roth originally shot the movie with a planned hard R-rating, keeping in vein with the original game’s M-rating for mature audiences. However, last-minute rewrites, heavy edits, and reshoots from Tim Miller dialed the film back to a PG-13. This is only Roth’s second film to receive a rating other than R, after The House with a Clock in Its Walls (2018), which was PG.

Lilith’s main gun is called “Vladof Infinity” by Marcus, and in the video game, it is a legendary pistol with infinite ammo, which explains why she never runs out and never need to reload it.

Upon its release, the film debuted at an incredibly rare 0% on Rotten Tomatoes.

Tim Miller directed the re-shoots in Eli Roth’s place as Roth was preoccupied with Thanksgiving (2023), which also stars Gina Gershon.

The Flintstones in Viva Rock Vegas Recap

Jamie

There are a few films that will forever be linked in my mind with the beginning of BMT. Films that seem to come up every once in a while as an option but somehow never get picked. Always the BMTsmaid and never the BMT. The Flintstones in Viva Rock Vegas is one of those. It’s abundantly clear why that is. Viva Rock Vegas doesn’t feel like a BMT qualifying film. It feels like it should have been shuttled to video release. It has Stephen Baldwin as Barney. It is a prequel about Fred meeting Wilma. It sounds horrible. It’s also a kids movie so for large swaths of BMT history it would have essentially been barred (by what is basically the Dudley Do-Right Rule). Anyway, we’ve slowly been working through these classic BMT forever films. The Loft was one of them (what a joy). So was The Darkest Hour (the other one). One that still remains is Push from 2009… a movie no one remembered and yet I can never forget.

To recap, Fred and Barney are young. Betty and Wilma are young, too. Fun! Wilma is tired of her controlling rich mom and runs away to bedrock where she befriends Betty. Soon they are serving up food to the young, hungry bachelors Fred and Barney. Barney is into Wilma and Fred is into Betty (wha-wha-wha?) but after a date at the amusement park things are sorted how we expect (phew). After meeting Wilma’s disapproving mother and the man she wishes Wilma would marry, Chip, Fred chickens out of proposing. But Wilma’s dad is just happy Wilma is happy and gives her an expensive pearl necklace. Chip apologizes for being rude and invites them out to his casino in Rock Vegas. Fred sees it as an opportunity to gamble his way to a fortune Wilma could be proud of. Chip sees it as a way to get Fred to lose a bunch of money so he can get Wilma back and pay off the mob with her fortune. The plan works pretty much perfectly. The only thing Chip didn’t plan on was The Great Gazoo. Did I not mention him? He’s a green alien that follows Fred and Barney around and helps them (sort of). After Fred and Barney are framed for stealing the necklace from Wilma (and lose their gals in the process) Gazoo lets them in on Chip’s scheme. They escape and ultimately profess their love for their gals and Wilma is like “get out of here Chip,” and smooches Fred… hard. THE END.

Somehow Fred is the weak link of a film that features Stephen Baldwin. In fact I found almost all the casting to be totally confounding, which again speaks to the straight-to-video nature of this film. The only people coming out OK are Krakowski and somehow Alan Cumming as Gazoo and that’s only because that entire storyline appears to have time travelled from the future of Adult Swim and directly into this film. It’s so insane that I respect whoever had the keys to the car on this guy being like “fuck it, keep on doing whatever that is.” All that being said, I found this movie to be more weird than necessarily bad. It ended up being a B version of the first film rather than the Z version I was expecting. But boy, everyone seems to make the craziest plot choices when confronted with the tall order of making a live action Flintstones film.

Hot Take Clam Bake! Where’s Gazoo go? It’s the question that’s on everyone’s mind after watching the two Flintstones films back-to-back. Here he is helping foil the dastardly plot. Where was he later on when Fred was dealing with Cliff? You might be thinking “he’s an alien, he probably went home.” You’d be wrong. He ain’t no alien. Gazoo is a friend, first and foremost. That’s why I suspect foul play. So who killed Gazoo? I suspect Fred. Then again he’s always getting framed for crimes like this so it’s perhaps a Chip or Cliff type character we have yet to meet. Crag… is Crag a character from the show? Probably. Hot Take Temperature: Mick Jagged

Patrick?

Patrick

‘Ello everyone! *gif of me sliding down a dinosaur’s back, slipping off, and slamming face first directly into a huge pile of dinosaur shit* Let’s go!

Oh boy … I mean, the good, I think both of the lead women are quite good, especially Jane Krakowski who is like … it is a little overboard how attractive she is as Betty, but that isn’t here nor there (I insist, it is neither here nor there!). Stephen Baldwin is kind of okay as well, although it is very distracting to see Stephen Baldwin in a movie like this.

The bad is literally everything else. It all looks much worse, Fred is much worse, the story is all over the place, Gazoo is an insane addition to the storyline, and Rock Vegas is a shockingly small piece to the entire film. It is worse in every way, and in most cases it is much much worse.

The movie I think is just on the wrong side of sad and bad to be BMT. It is a lunatic film, that’s for sure. Gazoo is basically tacked onto a not-Flintstones story. But it is just too boring to work. Nothing super memorable about it in the end.

A long time ago I thought to myself: I wonder if I can figure out the colors featured on a poster in a consistent way. The answer was, in many ways, no. I am a little too perfectionist to allow some of the odd edge cases to survive in what would have been a huge uneditable blob of data. With AI though … well, with AI it is pretty difficult to generate a huge blob of data without spending a ton. But at least I can blame the AI when it gets shit wrong. I asked for the top three colors, the primary color, and two featured colors on the IMDb poster. The response was:

Primary Color: #23277C (Dark blue)

Featured Color: #EF4138 (Red)

Featured Color: #F58903 (Orange)

Kind of nails it. The blue is the sky, which is basically the background. The red is the car. And the orange is Dunes, Sands, the other hotel, and Fred’s shirt roughly. In a way the analysis is just like: this poster is ugly. Now, would I agree that this is a “blue” poster? No. I don’t think so. Unfortunately the AI mostly defaults to a majority rule and can’t emulate “Patrick’s Brain” level of intellect in determining that this poster is, in fact, multi-colored. Too bad.

I’m making up a Completely Ridiculous Side Character (Who?) for the Great Gazoo who is mainly in this movie for no reason whatsoever. Again a great Promotional Tie-In (What?) for a direct Burger King toy tie-in complete with Bronto King burger joint features in the movie. This is an A+ Fictional Setting as a Character (Where?) for Rock Vegas. This movie is genuinely bad and quite sad because both of the main actors just pale in comparison to the 1994 original, which is too bad.

Read all about long awaited sequels (maybe?) in the quiz. Cheerios,

The Sklogs

The Flintstones Recap

Jamie

What a combo. The Flintstones and The Flintstones in Viva Rock Vegas. I’ll save what sets Viva Rock Vegas (or TFiVRV as the kids call it) apart in BMT history, but The Flintstones is more just personal history. It came out at kind of the perfect time. Did I know what The Flintstones was as a kid? Somehow, yes. That and The Jetsons had maintained a presence in the culture far past the 60’s when it aired. I remember watching episodes on TV… that seems crazy now. I don’t even know what the equivalent would be. Maybe kids throwing on some 90210 or something? I don’t know, but when the movie came out it was a big thing. Do you want to know what the emotional feeling I connect with The Flintstones movie is? Sadness… that tells you something about where they might have erred. I just remember the plot being very sad.

To recap, Fred Flintstone and Barney Rubble are best buds. They work at Slate & Co. together and when Barney needs some money so he and his wife Betty can adopt a child, there is no question he and Wilma will help out. Thus we get the whole gang together as Bamm-Bamm joins the fray and becomes best friends with Fred’s daughter Pebbles. Meanwhile at Slate & Co., Cliff Vandercave and his secretary Sharon Stone (nice) plan to swindle the company out of money, all they need is someone to pin it on. To find this person they hold an aptitude test for a promotion. Fred freezes with anxiety and Barney, feeling indebted to Fred, switches his test with Fred’s. Ultimately, Fred finds out he had the highest score (wait, what?!) and get the promotion. Unfortunately Barney gets fired for having the worst score. Soon things start to really fall apart. Barney moves in with them for the money, but the snobbiness of Fred with his newfound wealth grates on them. Meanwhile Fred, being a dope, does everything Sharon asks and soon has fired half the workforce. When confronted by Barney, and it being revealed that Barney switched the tests, everyone is at each other’s throats. Fred tries to reveal Cliff’s treachery but the crime is pinned on him. Obviously this leads to a hilarious scene where the fired workers catch Fred and Barney and try to lynch them (stop! My sides are splitting!). Fortunately Betty and Wilma arrive and Fred’s dictabird saves them. Cliff, aware of the dictabird, kidnaps the kids and offers an exchange. In the scuffle Fred and Barney inadvertently invent concrete and Cliff is killed (naturally). In the end they all get their jobs back and we return to status quo. THE END.

My memory of this was not incorrect. Barney switching the tests and then having his life fall apart is kinda sad (this was the thing I remembered the most). The crux of the plot being a scheme that results in Fred having to fire all of his friends is kinda sad. Barney and Betty becoming indebted to Fred because they need money to adopt a kid is kinda sad. Fred becoming the scapegoat and everyone chasing him and threatening to lynch him is quite literally the worst idea I’ve ever seen in a children’s movie. Who in the world thought that was a good idea. It makes me sad to think that no one stopped that from happening. Children are being kidnapped. People are being killed by having concrete poured on them. It’s all just saddo stuff for saddos. Anyway, besides all the decisions about what this film would be about, this film is hilariously gorgeous. It looks so good. Unbelievable set design and puppetry and costumes. A great big saddo beautiful mess of a movie. I love looking at this movie, just not watching it.

Hot Take Clam Bake! Is it wrong of me to kind of think that Barney still had the worst test and Fred had the best somehow? Evidence against: Fred literally freezes and we see that he thinks he did terribly. Evidence for: Barney is dumb. Evidence for: Why would the bad guys use an aptitude test to find the smartest person to then prop up as their scapegoat? Don’t they need the dumbest person so that he would not look closely at what they were up to? And wouldn’t they fire the smartest person to make sure he couldn’t get in the way? I don’t care if there is some explanation given for this in the film and I’ve just forgotten, I don’t buy it. So did Fred still get the highest score (because the rest of the employees are literal cavemen) and Barney, by switching the tests, inadvertently save the day? Hot Take Temperature: The Ice Age.

Patrick?

Patrick

‘Ello everyone! *gif of me sliding down a dinosaur’s back and screaming Yabba Dabba Do!* Let’s go!

I’m with Ebert on this one: The is a good movie. In a way you can tie this directly into the bizarre Altman Popeye and just shrug your shoulders and go “they don’t make them like they used to.” The casting is perfect, the sets are incredible, it really it what it used to be to go to the movies. This is a genuine good movie. Well …

The only bad thing is the story. It is like they took a wildly different movie and supplanted the story directly into a Flintstones cartoon. In a way that jives a bit with the often rather odd parodies of sitcoms / other television programs that things like Flintstones was. But really, wouldn’t the film have been better if it was all about Fred trying to learn how to be there for his friend going through a tough adoption after Fred, say, wins the lottery? You get essentially the same story without having to have a nuts B-story that kids don’t care about.

Good. This movie is good and it is a travesty that it will forever be in the records as a BMT film.

I’ve been messing around with Google AI Studio a bit. It’s fine, I’m mostly trying to work out the best way to use it to generate data sets of data that would be otherwise quite difficult to arduous to gather. For now that is focusing on posters. In the meantime I figured I might as well mess around and see what else could be interesting. Here is the result in asking it to guess at the plot based solely on the poster:

The movie likely centers around the everyday life and comedic adventures of the Flintstone and Rubble families in the prehistoric town of Bedrock. It suggests a lighthearted, family-oriented film where the characters will navigate typical domestic situations and humorous challenges while embracing the unique aspects of their stone-age environment. Given the prominence of the characters riding together in their stone-age car, there might be a road trip or adventure that takes them beyond their usual surroundings. The use of Fred’s catchphrase “Yabba-Dabba-Doo!” implies a feel-good narrative filled with silly situations and light-hearted fun. Overall, I’d expect a story that’s more about the characters and their relationships within a wacky and whimsical prehistoric setting than a complex or serious plot.

… I have no words as to how banal that is. But there is an interesting bit in all that slop: “[T]here might be a road trip or adventure that takes them beyond their usual surroundings.” Interesting and astute observation AI Slop Machine. This movie is not, in fact, a road trip film, but what an understandable mistake that could be. Possibly a question I could ask an AI would be something like “Based on this poster, do you think this film is a road trip film?” to generate well … off-kilter keywords I suppose. I’ll keep the AI analyses to a shorter section in the future.

I’m sure there was plenty of Product Placement in the film, but I’m going to highlight an incredible Movie Tie-In (What?) for the RocDonald’s tie-in which is still rather famous, mainly for the fact that for the movie McDonald’s reintroduced the McRib nationwide! Crazy. Obvious Fictional Setting as a Character (Where?) for the town of Bedrock. And sure, a Period Piece LOL (When?) for prehistory I suppose. There is a very weird MacGuffin (Why?) throughout the film where Fred is signing off on bogus spending authorizations in a very noir-ish story. I think this movie is a bonafide Good movie.

Read all about … cavemen? I don’t know. Read about something in the quiz. Cheerios,

The Sklogs