Who watches The Watcher? We do, that’s who. It’s almost like everyone agreed that Keanu is such a stand up guy that they just aren’t ever going to mention this film again. That we’ll just pretend it never happened because it is kind of embarrassing for everyone involved. He was tricked into appearing in it and then pursued legal action that allowed him to disown while also preventing him from bad mouthing it. So… why isn’t there a six part podcast about this where everyone spills the sordid details of this bizarre affair? Probably because no one involved wants to (or is allowed to) talk about it. It’s embarrassing. How did this happen? I don’t know, but we’re lucky it did because this film is bananananas.
To recap, James Spader is trying to start over in Chicago. You see he almost caught a serial killer once upon a time, but he turned away to try (and fail) to save the woman he was having an affair with. So now he’s a real saddo and trying to work through it with his sexy therapist. Turns out the serial killer, Keanu, just can’t quit our boy Spades. It’s never been quite the same without him hot on his heels. You know what that means. Road trip! He shows up and kills a girl in his building and that gets Spader’s attention. Soon the killer is toying with him, giving him all the clues, Mr. Policeman. Spader is back in the game. The second girl is a lonely hour photo worker. Everyone is trying to fit all the pieces together, but ultimately they are just moments too late. Next up is a homeless girl. They cast their net wide and find the killer, but he’s just too wiley and he gets away after killing the girl. Finally the killer decides that it’s all getting a bit trite and chats up Spader at the grave of his dead lady love. After some negotiation he decides to take Spader to the warehouse where he’s kidnapped his therapist. Once there he begins to torture them, but Spader is able to get him off balance and shoot him. Ultimately there is a gas leak and the whole place explodes just as Spader and the therapist jump to safety. The killer is dead, but Spader… Spader’s never been more alive. THE END. (Or is it? (It is… because Spader specifically turns over Keanu’s corpse to show the audience that he won’t be in the sequel or spinoff TNT series or whatever)).
Wow. This movie is bad. I never even heard of this film before! And now I’m singing its BMT praises. What a world. It’s directed as if an amateur music video director somehow got permission to make a major motion picture… because that’s exactly what happened. I would also like to specifically shout out what might be the all-time product placement in the history of film. Me and Patrick jokingly referred to Keanu as the Product Placement Killer because each of the three girls killed had a specific product they were associated with. Keanu sent all the clues about the first one to Spader using FedEx (guaranteed to get there on time). The second girl posed for Keanu as he snapped pics on his Kodak camera. Finally, the third girl was homeless but the picture showed her outside a Seattle’s Best coffee shop! Quick, everyone, scour all the Seattle’s Best’s and try not to get too jacked up on their delicious coffee. I’m weeping. It’s just so beautiful.
Hot Take Clam Bake! Spade is Keanu. Keanu is Spader. That’s right! Spader is the killer. Oh it just so happens that a serial killer followed you to Chicago and is leaving all the clues just for you? Right, and we always track down the girls he kidnaps but the killer just happens to get away just in time? Darn, how inconvenient for everyone but the killer. And of course he kidnaps your therapist that you definitely aren’t obsessed with and you are able to save her just in time. What we didn’t see at the end of the film was the therapist turn to the cops and mouth “Help me, this guy’s crazy.” Hot Take Temperature: a scalding hot Seattle’s Best coffee.
Patrick?
Patrick
‘Ello everyone! What are we talking about? Are we talking about Keanu Reeves dancing like a dummy being a serial killer? Let’s go!
Let’s just get this out of the way: this feels like barely a movie. Which if you read some of the controversy surrounding its production that came out a year after it was released it all makes sense. Keanu was apparently like “uh I guess I’ll be in your movie” to the guy who directed his band’s music videos. His agent (or something) then solidified this commitment by (according to Keanu) forging his signature on a contract. And instead of going through a protracted legal battle Keanu just decided to do it.
Now in that context one must pose this question: Did Keanu act terribly on purpose for this film? It certainly seems plausible…
Because outside of the direction (which we’ll get to) he’s far and away the worst bit of this film. He is somehow both flat and over the top (which I suppose some might call the Keanu Special, c’mon, you know what I’m talking about), he has a crazy dance scene, and his character is a real dummy.
Spader and Tomei are okay. They do what they need to with the material they are given. It really only picks up once Spader sobers up and starts working for the FBI again. Tomei is fine, but functions solely as a damsel in distress. The whole thing comes across as a backdoor pilot for a Criminal Minds spin-off starring Spader.
The direction is bananas, B-A-N-A-N-A-S. This might be the one and only time tilt-shift has been used in a Thriller. Hell, I don’t even remember tilt-shift being used in ANY film. It is a crazy choice, and one that probably was something the director was experimenting with in his music videos, but for a serial thriller film? Very odd choice.
Also, I think a competent director cuts the dance scene or fixes it somehow. It is not only jarring, but somehow used twice in the film. They show it in the beginning and then use it as a call back! Bad choice.
I miss films like this though. The worst bit is the direction, the whole thing looks ridiculous, with the undercurrent of also kind of being entertaining because how can a serial killer thriller not be? Just straight up fun.
I’ll leave the hilarious product placement discussion to Jamie for the most part, but Coca-Cola, FedEx, Kodak, and Seattle’s Best all play prominent roles in the plot of the film, that’s some grade-A Product Placement (What?). Very much Setting as a Character (Where?) for Chicago. And I’ll leave it with a resounding BMT from me.
Read about my spin-off television series in the Quiz. Cheerios,
Oh man, so get this. I was chasing this serial killer, when all of a sudden he starts dancing? Yeah, it was wild stuff. So wild that I don’t actually remember anything else about him … do you remember what happened in The Watcher?
Pop Quiz Hot Shot!
1) In the beginning of the film Spader has a flashback. What event is he remembering?
2) Oh snap, and then in the morning he gets a FedEx envelope. What is in it?
3) Oooo Keanu wants to play a game. What game? Who wins the game?
4) And another photo arrives. Where did serial Keanu find this person, and who wins the game this time?
5) And who is the final target? And who wins this time?
Bonus Question: Well, it is a few years later and everything is just peachy. Spader’s back in the FBI, he’s married to Tomei. Great stuff. Oh, a phone call. Who could it be?
“Yo, Mr. 305!” Jamie and Patrick yell to Pitbull, but he’s already up on stage. The audience had been in a mournful state listening to just how sorry Jamie and Patrick were, but quickly get to their feet for the funky fresh beats of Mr. Worldwide. “What a goddamn pro,” they marvel. As they race into the audience, trying their best not to trip over the numerous steaming cups of Tim Horton’s coffee their fans are enjoying, they get to the location where the green light was coming from, but only find an empty seat. They grab a nearby fan by the shirt and scream into his face “Tell me who was sitting here.” The man is terrified by this classic Tantrum Twin behavior and shakily confirms that someone was there but disappeared once the concert got bumping. “Like… like some gh-gh-gh-gh-ghost,” he stammers out at last. Jamie and Patrick toss the poor soul to the side and glance around trying to find any clue about the green light. Suddenly from the corner of their eye they see a glimmer, as if some Glimmer Man has quickly run across their peripheral vision. They follow where the suspected Glimmer Man must have been heading and find themselves in a series of steam tunnels underneath the arena. “Patrick, I’m sc-sc-sc-scared,” Jamie says, licking his lips. “I know,” Patrick says, “but we can’t let fear win the day.” Despite the confidence in his words, Patrick’s own fear is revealed when a loud clatter rings out in the tunnel and he and Jamie hug each other in terror. “Who… who’s there?” they yell out, but no one reveals themselves. The hairs on their necks stand on end. They may not be able to see this Glimmer Man, but they know he’s watching. That’s right! We are jumping to The Watcher starring noted Canadian Keanu Reeves. You know, The Watcher… the film we all know and love. Let’s go!
The Watcher (2000) – BMeTric: 51.7; Notability: 28
StreetCreditReport.com –BMeTric: top 8.4%; Notability: top 26.0%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 6.9%; Higher BMeT: Battlefield Earth, Dungeons & Dragons, Book of Shadows: Blair Witch 2, The Flintstones in Viva Rock Vegas, Nutty Professor II: The Klumps, Urban Legends: Final Cut, 102 Dalmatians, Highlander: Endgame, Dracula 2000, Supernova, Big Momma’s House, Get Carter, Little Nicky, The Next Best Thing, Hanging Up, Lost Souls, Down to You, The Crow: Salvation, Fortress 2: Re-Entry, Loser, and 1 more; Higher Notability: Gone in 60 Seconds, Little Nicky, The Flintstones in Viva Rock Vegas, Coyote Ugly, Mission to Mars, Ready to Rumble, Lost Souls, Proof of Life, Reindeer Games, Rules of Engagement, 102 Dalmatians, Hollow Man, Thomas and the Magic Railroad, Bless the Child, Supernova, Nutty Professor II: The Klumps, Final Destination, Dracula 2000, Get Carter, Dude, Where’s My Car?, and 45 more; Lower RT: 3 Strikes, My 5 Wives, Fortress 2: Re-Entry, The in Crowd, Battlefield Earth, Bless the Child, Down to You, Lost Souls, Turn It Up, Dungeons & Dragons, The Skulls, Urban Legends: Final Cut, Supernova, I Dreamed of Africa, Ed Gein, Screwed; Notes: That 50+ BMeTric is pretty funny for this film I’ve never heard of. Of the 20 higher BMeT films we’ve seen 10 I think, which is kind of weak. We need to hit up 2000 more often.
RogerEbert.com – 2.0 stars – “The Watcher” is about still another serial killer whose existence centers on staging elaborate scenarios for the cops. If these weirdos would just become screenwriters in the first place, think of the lives that could be saved. Keanu Reeves stars as Griffin, a murderer who follows an FBI agent named Campbell (James Spader) from Los Angeles to Chicago, complaining about the cold weather but explaining he had to move because “things didn’t work out with your successor.” Killing just wasn’t the same without Campbell to bug.
(Huge zinger there. And again, I’m a little perplexed. I guess Ebert did think Spader and Tomei were effective in their limiting roles, but still, that review feels like it should be lower than 2 somehow, and yet here we are.)
(Haunt? Is … Kenau a gh-gh-gh-gh-gh-gh-ghost? A Glimmer Man? Jokes aside, this trailer is really long and lame, and you can distinctly tell that Keanu is half-assing the whole thing.)
Directors – Joe Charbanic – ( Known For: The Last Time I Committed Suicide; BMT: The Watcher; Notes: There is very little about this guy on IMDb. His first few credits are music videos though, and that is presumably how he got the gig.)
Writers – Darcy Meyers – ( BMT: The Watcher; Notes: Wrote 13 episodes of JAG. Seems to have got her start writing for Silk Stockings.)
David Elliot – ( Known For: Four Brothers; Catacombs; Future BMT: G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra; BMT: The Watcher; Notes: Created and wrote the show Proven Innocent which aired in 2019. I think it was a one and done.)
Clay Ayers – (BMT: The Watcher; Notes: Really nothing on this guy. Wrote Sword of Honor which I think he acted in as well. Has around 167 votes on IMDb, played around eight times on television in the late 90s.)
Actors – James Spader – ( Known For: Secretary; Pretty in Pink; Avengers: Age of Ultron; Stargate; Lincoln; Crash; Wall Street; Wolf; Less Than Zero; Sex, Lies, and Videotape; Baby Boom; The Homesman; 2 Days in the Valley; Dream Lover; Bad Influence; White Palace; Shorts; The New Kids; Jack’s Back; Bob Roberts; Future BMT: Tuff Turf; BMT: Endless Love; Mannequin; Supernova; The Watcher; Notes: Won three Emmys for The Practice and Boston Legal. I’m surprised he was never nominated for Blacklist which is probably what he’s most famous for now.)
Keanu Reeves – ( Known For: John Wick: Chapter 4; John Wick; The Matrix; Knock Knock; John Wick: Chapter 3 – Parabellum; John Wick: Chapter 2; Point Break; The Matrix Resurrections; Bram Stoker’s Dracula; The Devil’s Advocate; Speed; Constantine; DC League of Super-Pets; Toy Story 4; Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure; The Matrix Reloaded; The Neon Demon; My Own Private Idaho; The Gift; The Bad Batch; Future BMT: 47 Ronin; The Matrix Revolutions; Street Kings; Chain Reaction; Sweet November; Feeling Minnesota; BMT: The Day the Earth Stood Still; Johnny Mnemonic; The Lake House; Replicas; The Watcher; Notes: Y’all know Keanu. One of the weird films he did between The Matrix and the sequel. Now he kills it in John Wick.)
Marisa Tomei – ( Known For: The Lincoln Lawyer; Spider-Man: No Way Home; Avengers: Endgame; The Big Short; Crazy, Stupid, Love.; Spider-Man: Homecoming; My Cousin Vinny; Captain America: Civil War; Spider-Man: Far from Home; The King of Staten Island; The Wrestler; What Women Want; Before the Devil Knows You’re Dead; Trainwreck; The Ides of March; Chaplin; Anger Management; Four Rooms; The Toxic Avenger; Slums of Beverly Hills; Future BMT: Parental Guidance; Love the Coopers; BMT: Wild Hogs; Oscar; The Watcher; Notes: Oscar winner for My Cousin Vinny, but nominated two other times (In the Bedroom and The Wrestler). Now notable for playing Aunt May in the MCU.)
(That is bad, but not nearly as bad as I would have expected … like $30 million is like four times as much as I would have imagined this movie I didn’t know existed made back in the early 2000s.)
Rotten Tomatoes – 11% (10/92): The Watcher has Keanu Reeves cast against type, but the movie is short on thrills, suspense, and believability.
(That RT consensus is actually pretty mild. Considering Keanu is terrible in it and the movie sucks and looks like crap. Oh, I’m stepping on my recap, sorry.)
NYT Short Review: F.B.I. agent, serial killer and therapist. Damp, morose, thrill-free thriller.
(Ahhhhhahahahah. Well I guess I have a good example for my Movie Poster Art and Artistry course I’ll be teaching. Color schemes is a theme and someone could ask, “obviously a poster can be too bright and white, but can you make one too dark?” The answer appears to be yes. This is incomprehensible. D+. )
Tagline(s) – Don’t go home alone. (Uh… what?)
(Uh… OK. Spoiler alert, I’ve already seen this movie and I have no idea why this would be the tagline for it. Everyone The Watcher is watching is always alone… home or not… that’s kind of the point.)
Keyword(s) – canada
Top 10: The Matrix Revolutions (2003), X-Men Origins: Wolverine (2009), Venom (2018), The Butterfly Effect (2004), Armageddon (1998), In Time (2011), Transformers: Dark of the Moon (2011), Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen (2009), 2012 (2009), Home Alone 2: Lost in New York (1992)
Future BMT: 90.3 Vampires Suck (2010), 89.9 House of the Dead (2003), 88.6 Dumb and Dumberer: When Harry Met Lloyd (2003), 84.1 Prom Night (2008), 79.6 Shark Night (2011), 78.9 Daddy Day Camp (2007), 77.2 Superhero Movie (2008), 74.9 Look Who’s Talking Too (1990), 74.0 The Spirit (2008), 73.9 The Next Karate Kid (1994), 73.1 The Turning (2020), 72.5 Mr. Magoo (1997), 71.8 Dance Flick (2009), 71.7 Zoom (2006), 69.4 College Road Trip (2008), 68.9 Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen (2004), 68.8 The Santa Clause 3: The Escape Clause (2006), 68.6 Captivity (2007), 68.3 Yogi Bear (2010), 67.3 The Crow: City of Angels (1996)
BMT: Battlefield Earth (2000), Catwoman (2004), Dragonball Evolution (2009), Jack and Jill (2011), Batman & Robin (1997), The Emoji Movie (2017), The Wicker Man (2006), Fifty Shades of Grey (2015), The Cat in the Hat (2003), Superman IV: The Quest for Peace (1987), The Love Guru (2008), Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2 (2004), Crossroads (2002), Halloween: Resurrection (2002), Movie 43 (2013), Barb Wire (1996), RoboCop 3 (1993), Highlander II: The Quickening (1991), Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li (2009), Jason X (2001), Aliens vs. Predator: Requiem (2007), Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever (2002), Little Man (2006), Ouija (2014), Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2 (2015), The Twilight Saga: New Moon (2009), Freddy Got Fingered (2001), After Earth (2013), The Bye Bye Man (2017), … (and many more)
Best Options (Thriller): 65.7 The Haunting of Molly Hartley (2008), 63.6 Valentine (2001), 59.1 Cold Creek Manor (2003), 57.4 They (2002), 56.6 Shutter (2008), 54.9 Lost Souls (2000), 54.8 Eye of the Beholder (1999), 53.7 The Possession of Hannah Grace (2018), 50.1 House at the End of the Street (2012), 50.0 Collateral Damage (2002), 45.0 Big Bully (1996), 44.2 Maximum Risk (1996), 43.8 The Stepfather (2009), 43.3 Jigsaw (2017), 42.3 Red Planet (2000), 40.9 Shadow Conspiracy (1997), 40.9 The Marksman (2021), 40.6 The Forsaken (2001), 37.9 Hideaway (1995), 37.3 Saw IV (2007), 36.2 The In-Laws (2003), 35.2 The Perfect Guy (2015), 35.1 Passenger 57 (1992), 33.6 Saw VI (2009), 32.7 Dream House (2011), 31.0 Masterminds (1997), 30.3 Gossip (2000), 29.9 Wrongfully Accused (1998), 29.5 Most Wanted (1997), 29.3 Murder by Numbers (2002), 28.9 The Sentinel (2006), 28.3 The Temp (1993), 27.5 Next (2007), 27.0 Taking Lives (2004), 27.0 Case 39 (2009), 26.9 American Assassin (2017), 26.5 Knockaround Guys (2001), 26.2 The Puppet Masters (1994), 24.6 Surrogates (2009), 24.2 Visiting Hours (1982), 23.7 Criminal (2016), 23.3 Don’t Say a Word (2001), 22.6 Eye for an Eye (1996), 20.7 Stand Up Guys (2012), 20.7 Mad City (1997), 20.5 Rules of Engagement (2000), 19.8 Trial by Jury (1994), 18.9 Whispers in the Dark (1992), 17.4 Instinct (1999), 16.8 Wrong Is Right (1982), 14.9 The Book of Henry (2017), 14.8 In Time (2011), 14.7 Final Destination (2000), 12.8 The Island (2005), 12.4 Run (1991), 11.5 Firstborn (1984), 3.1 The Butterfly Effect (2004), 3.1 Seven Pounds (2008)
(Right, this isn’t in the dataset because Keanu isn’t “Canadian” according to IMDb. He was born in Lebanon and has an impressively varied ancestry. He grew up in Canada, and also acted in Youngblood as a French-Canadian goalie, which is all I really needed to know to know Keanu is a maple-blooded Canadian.)
Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 14) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Marisa Tomei is No. 3 billed in The Watcher and No. 2 billed in Oscar, which also stars Sylvester Stallone (No. 1 billed) who is in The Expendables 3 (No. 1 billed) which also stars Jason Statham (No. 2 billed) who is in In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale (No. 1 billed) which also stars Leelee Sobieski (No. 3 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 1 billed) => (3 + 2) + (1 + 1) + (2 + 1) + (3 + 1) = 14. If we were to watch The Glass House we can get the HoE Number down to 13.
Notes – Reeves has stated that he was not interested in the script but was forced into doing the film when his assistant Brian forged his signature on a contract. He performed the role rather than get involved in a lengthy legal battle. He was contractually prevented from disclosing this until 12 months after the film’s US release.
Keanu Reeves was contracted by the studio not to say anything negative until a year after the film’s release. He waited the full year to publicly bash the movie and revealed how someone forged his signature on the contract to star in the film.
Third-billed Keanu Reeves gave his verbal agreement to director Joe Charbanic several years before production started, after reading his original script. With his involvement, the filmmakers were able to attract a bigger cast and budget than originally envisioned, and Reeves’ part (originally little more than a cameo) was substantially re-written to feature him more prominently. Reportedly, Keanu Reeves, who would be paid scale while his co-stars James Spader and Marisa Tomei would get one million dollar paychecks, tried to drop out of the film, but eventually changed his mind (apparently influenced by the legal precedent of the Kim Basinger/Boxing Helena (1993) debacle). He eventually agreed to do the picture, and abstain from badmouthing it in interviews, on the condition that his involvement in the film be downplayed in all promotional material for the film, including trailers. Universal also asked the film’s financiers to enhance Reeves’ profit participation, which led Reeves to ultimately receive (at least) additional $2 million.
The Watcher was directed by Joe Charbanic, a buddy of Keanu who has also filmed the actor on tour with his rock band Dogstar.
Keanu Reeves disliked the movie so much he refused to do any press for the films release.
Awards – Nominee for the Razzie Award for Worst Supporting Actor (Keanu Reeves)
We’ve been on two streaks lately. One is watching films we’ve seen before. In some cases it’s just once before (Green Lantern), in others it’s several times (The Animal), and then still others it’s dozens if not millions of times (Canadian Bacon). The other streak is seeing films where I go, ‘While I don’t think this is great, I also kind of miss this style of movie. If only they could give us more The Animal’s!’ Could Green Lantern keep that streak alive? I recall exactly where I was when I watched Green Lantern because I went into it thinking “I’m ready to like this movie because it can’t really be as bad as people say it is.” Unfortunately, the critics were correct and I really did not like the film. But time heals all wounds, so let’s see if this is actually a hidden gem in the superhero genre that’ll leave me with a fond feeling of nostalgia.
To recap, Hal Jordan is a hot shot pilot who breaks all of the rules. When he is pitted against a couple of robot planes you know rules are about to be broken. And they are. But also he’s haunted by his father’s death and in a panic has to bail out of his plane following all his rad risk taking. Everyone is pretty pissed at him because he probably cost his company a big contract, but his GF4Life, Carol, swoops in and smooths it all over. While he’s off contemplating his life he’s snapped up by a green light and brought to a dying alium. This alium is a Green Lantern, a team of space cops that keep the whole universe safe. He was mortally wounded by a fear alium called Parallax and now his ring must choose a new Green Lantern. Turns out that’s Hal. Hal is then transported to the Green Lantern realm where they start to teach him how to be a Lantern, but ultimately decide that humans are too weak. He goes back to Earth despondent. Since he’s been gone the nerd son of a US Senator, Hector, was called to study the dead alium and he gets poisoned by fear. This ultimately takes over his body giving him psychic abilities and slowly draining him physically. At a celebration of his company’s big contract, Hal witnesses a disaster caused by Hector and steps in to use his Lantern powers to save the day. Shortly thereafter he battles Hector again and through a telepathic link learns of Parallax’s plan to destroy Earth. Horrified he begs the rest of the Lanterns to help him, but failing that to at least delay using the power of fear against Parallax until he has a chance to try to defeat it himself. They agree and in the final battle Hal is able to use his courage and cunning to trick Parallax into flying into the sun like a giant dope. He then smooches Carol hard and flies away to become a space cop. THE END.
Nope! I hate this movie. This is one of my least favorite watches we’ve had this year. Satire is dead, but this might have been able to revive it… you know, if they weren’t actually trying to make a real movie. It seems impossible that they could do everything so wrong. Just by chance you would think some things would go right, but even the thing I think was underrated at the time (Peter Sarsgaard’s villain, who is more fun than I remember) was relegated to a joke when he literally wheels out in a wheelchair to face our hero in the final fight. A nerd in a wheelchair is the final boss?! That’s funny, right? Anyway, the film very quickly lands in CGI muck that makes whole scenes incomprehensible and editing it all together a nightmare. It does seem about right that the director ran in the opposite direction of this and ended up making things like Memory starring Liam Neeson… where the only thing computer generated was Liam Neeson’s knees. Ay oh.
Hot Take Clam Bake! This isn’t the end. Now, I know it sounds crazy, but hear me out. I know we see him fly off into space to be a space cop and all that, so sure we think “we got all the story, case closed. No more Green Lantern for us.” But then if you watch after the credits they show Sinestro (that character we all know and love) totally put on the fear ring that Hal told him to definitely not put on. So like… I think we just have to wait a little bit longer and we’ll get that story. Maybe they are just waiting for the DCU to catch up so we can see it… like when Batgirl comes out, maybe we’ll be in the right spot to get that film we’ve all been waiting so patiently for…. Wait… what happened to Batgirl?!?! You can’t do this to Franchise Guy! Hot Take Temperature: Searing Sarcasm.
Patrick?
Patrick
‘Ello everyone! What are we talking about? Are we talking about Ryan Reynolds flying around with a bad CGI super suit and losing a bunch of money? Let’s go!
There are two different versions of this film. For the record I watched the Extended Cut. I have a feeling the Extended Cut is slightly better than the theatrical, only because the first half of this film is actually kind of nice. Actually, everything besides the Green Lantern stuff works for me.
Very funny re-listening to the Flop House episode of this where they say (I think correctly) that Ryan Reynolds “is not a movie star. At least not yet.” That was 100% accurate at the time. It would end up being untrue a decade later when he somehow became a billionaire and stars in a bunch of franchises and stuff.
One of those rare movies where I think something relatively small is the worst bit of the film. I think the soundtrack is the worst. A pretty terrible example of the heavy metal that was popular at the time (and definitely isn’t popular now).
What did we learn here? We learned to not be openly hostile to your genius son because he’ll probably telekinesis you around and then barbeque you with some inexplicably available robot flamethrower arms.
We learned that you can just quit your job and keep the stuff they gave you even if it was a super awesome green lantern ring. This feels like a “company laptop” type deal. There is no way he is just flying around on Earth with that ring after quitting.
We learned Sinestro is a jerk boss whose onboarding plan appears to be “demean this person for an hour and see if he quits.” Wrong strat on Hal it turns out, and guess what? He’s the best.
And finally we learned that Hal is extraordinary because humans are extraordinary. We are, it turns out, especially imaginative. Like we can imagine throwing a big large evil blob into the Sun. You didn’t think of that Sinestro, did you?
He probably thought of it because it has been done multiple times in other comic book movies at this point. I call it the Quest for Peace. Throw all the bad junk in the Sun and forget about it.
Definitely Product Placement (What?) for Dell servers which run all the cutting edge weapons start ups. I think that’s it. This is Bad because it is boring, but it was closer to Good than people want to admit, they just majorly fumble all the stuff involving Green Lantern.
Oh man, so get this. I’m studying this alium NBD and then I get all this alium juice on me. Now my brain is all big! On problem, I don’t remember a thing. Do you remember what happened in Green Lantern?
Pop Quiz Hot Shot!
1) What does Hal Jordan do to beat out that AI fighter jet (how relevant to the times we’re living in, amirite?)?
2) Oh sweet, Hector Hammond is really getting a leg up in his career, he gets to inspect an alium body. But why was he chosen really?
3) What drastic action does Sinestro suggest the Watchers (and Green Lanterns) do to combat Parallax?
4) In the ultimate fake out during the final battle because Hector and Hal, Hal gives up his ring to Hector. Why doesn’t it work though?
5) Ultimately how does Hal beat Parallax?
Bonus Question: A decade later and space hopping around, Hal finally gets the call he’s been waiting for. Who is it?
“1… 2… 3… Sorry!” Jamie and Patrick yell in unison with their bandmates. It’s stop number 19 of their 56 city Apologies Tour brought to you by Tim Horton’s. They all take a quick draught of some scalding Tim Horton’s coffee and let Pitbull know to be ready. “Mr. Worldwide. Ha!” he responds, which Jamie and Patrick have learned means “no problem, I’m ready to pump up the volume at a moment’s notice. I’m Mr. 305. Ha!” The tour feels a little bit different from their past tours as part of PaJama ParTy. Not least of which was where the tour was taking them. “Thank you Saskatoon!” They scream once they get onto stage. “We love you SaskTel Centre,” their drummer Matt McGoo screams right after them. They stare daggers at him. Fucking McGoo. With his drum solos and his stupid hats. But they calm themselves. This is the tour where they say sorry for their past conduct, not create more fodder for the Tantrum Twins machine by knocking his stupid hat off his stupid head in the middle of their set. While it was unsettling to learn that the Dudikoff’s had picked their band, wrote all their songs, and decided that their nephew Matt McGoo got to wear whatever dumb hat he wanted, they had to take it all in stride. The Dudikoff’s had done so much for them in helping them realize how much pain they had caused. So it was time to say sorry. Just as they are finishing up a rousing rendition of “We’re Not the Audience” and right before they start in on “Sure, It’s Bad, But Maybe That’s What You Like” they suddenly get blinded by a flashing green light from the audience. They stop… something about that green light is familiar. That’s right! We are diving once again into a film we’ve seen before, the much reviled Green Lantern starring noted Canadian Ryan Reynolds. I did not like this movie one bit when it came out… not even one little bit. Lets go!
Green Lantern (2011) – BMeTric: 52.1; Notability: 98
StreetCreditReport.com –BMeTric: top 10.0%; Notability: top 0.8%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 21.2%; Higher BMeT: Jack and Jill, The Human Centipede 2 (Full Sequence), Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance, Spy Kids 4: All the Time in the World, Shark Night, Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked, Big Mommas: Like Father, Like Son, Bucky Larson: Born to Be a Star, The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1, The Roommate, The Darkest Hour, Hellraiser: Revelations, Conan the Barbarian, Abduction, I Don’t Know How She Does It, Hoodwinked Too! Hood vs. Evil, Zookeeper, Apollo 18, Twixt, The Dilemma, and 5 more; Higher Notability: Transformers: Dark of the Moon, Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides; Lower RT: Hellraiser: Revelations, You May Not Kiss the Bride, Faces in the Crowd, Beneath the Darkness, Jack and Jill, Bucky Larson: Born to Be a Star, The Roommate, A Little Bit of Heaven, Abduction, Hick, Big Mommas: Like Father, Like Son, Dream House, New Year’s Eve, Trespass, Honey 2, Red Riding Hood, Season of the Witch, Hoodwinked Too! Hood vs. Evil, The Darkest Hour, Atlas Shrugged: Part I, and 31 more; Notes: Oh boy, look at those Low RT films. A lot of those are fake VOD garbage, but I think we’ve seem maybe 12 of those listed. I wonder when we’ll get to the Spy Kids series.
RogerEbert.com – 2.5 stars – “Green Lantern” presents yet another case of a human being given the responsibility of leading the battle of good vs. evil, or, in this case, of the Will vs. Fear. … The movie, as you know, was filmed in 3-D. But a screening was made available in 2-D, and I chose to attend the 2-D screening. The colors were bright, the images were crisp and clear, the impact was undeniable, the greens were … real green. I didn’t see the 3-D version, so can’t compare the two. I will be looking forward with interest to how other film critics describe it.
(The 3D versus 2D stuff was all the rage at the time. Somehow 2.5 stars seems totally appropriate. Like … it looks nice, and is kind of fun. But it is hollow and empty and leaves you unsatisfied. You know?)
(I remember this trailer and thinking it looked cool at the time. Unfortunately the way they did the suit and his powers ended up just looking lame from what I recall, and the movie falls apart around that fundamental issue.)
Directors – Martin Campbell – ( Known For: Casino Royale; GoldenEye; The Mask of Zorro; The Foreigner; Vertical Limit; Edge of Darkness; The Protégé; No Escape; Eskimo Nell; Defenseless; Three for All; Future BMT: The Legend of Zorro; Beyond Borders; Criminal Law; BMT: Memory; Green Lantern; Notes: Man, directing both GoldenEye and Casino Royale is a very very fun fact. I remember this from last year though because I really didn’t like Memory, and I was stunning this guy did it.)
Writers – Greg Berlanti – ( Known For: The Broken Hearts Club: A Romantic Comedy; BMT: Green Lantern; Wrath of the Titans; Notes: Nominated for two Emmys for Political Animals and The Flight Attendant. Is an absolutely enormous television producer now for things like Riverdale and The Flash.)
Michael Green – ( Known For: Blade Runner 2049; Logan; Death on the Nile; Murder on the Orient Express; Alien: Covenant; Jungle Cruise; The Call of the Wild; BMT: Green Lantern; Notes: Nominated for an Oscar for Logan. Kind of amazing how young the writers were, he was 38 for example when this movie came out.)
Marc Guggenheim – ( Known For: Percy Jackson: Sea of Monsters; Trollhunters: Rise of the Titans; BMT: Green Lantern; Notes: Done a ton of DC stuff like DC’s Legends of Tomorrow.)
Michael Goldenberg – ( Known For: Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix; Peter Pan; Contact; Future BMT: Bed of Roses; BMT: Green Lantern; Notes: Weird that there aren’t any comic book writers among the credited screenwriters.)
Actors – Ryan Reynolds – ( Known For: Bullet Train; Ghosted; Deadpool 2; Deadpool; Free Guy; Ted; Red Notice; The Adam Project; Life; 6 Underground; The Proposal; Fast & Furious Presents: Hobbs & Shaw; Pokémon: Detective Pikachu; Safe House; The Hitman’s Bodyguard; The Croods: A New Age; The Croods; Spirited; Turbo; Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle; Future BMT: Waiting…; Smokin’ Aces; National Lampoon’s Van Wilder; The Change-Up; Blade: Trinity; Self/less; The Amityville Horror; A Million Ways to Die in the West; Criminal; The In-Laws; BMT: X-Men Origins: Wolverine; Hitman’s Wife’s Bodyguard; Green Lantern; R.I.P.D.; Notes: Now possibly more well known for selling his vodka company for a billion dollars, and then his mobile company for a billion dollars, and now he also owns Wrexham, a football club in Wales. He is a rare example of the triple dip. He failed as Green Lantern, failed a different time playing Deadpool, and then finally did succeed playing Deadpool a second time!)
Blake Lively – ( Known For: A Simple Favor; The Age of Adaline; The Town; The Shallows; Savages; The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants; Hick; Café Society; The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2; The Private Lives of Pippa Lee; All I See Is You; New York, I Love You; Elvis and Anabelle; Simon Says; Future BMT: Accepted; The Rhythm Section; BMT: Green Lantern; Notes: Doesn’t do much acting anymore seeing as she is married to bona fide billionaire Ryan Reynolds. Got her start as the star of Gossip Girl which was really the only O.C. followup teen soap of the era to hit big.)
Peter Sarsgaard – ( Known For: The Batman; The Magnificent Seven; Knight and Day; Orphan; The Cell; The Guilty; Jarhead; Black Mass; The Lost Daughter; Lovelace; Rendition; Blue Jasmine; Boys Don’t Cry; Garden State; K-19: The Widowmaker; Dead Man Walking; Mr. Jones; Jackie; An Education; The Lie; Future BMT: The Man in the Iron Mask; Flightplan; The Skeleton Key; Empire; BMT: Green Lantern; Notes: Nominated for an Emmy for Dopesick. According to IMDb he runs 50 miles a week.)
(That is quite bad. It was a legendary bomb at the time, but yeah … that is somehow worse than I expected.)
Rotten Tomatoes – 26% (64/249): Noisy, overproduced, and thinly written, Green Lantern squanders an impressive budget and decades of comics mythology.
(Yeah, that is indeed what I remember. I do like the various reviews which are like “man, superheroes suck I can’t wait for this dumb shit to end” right before it takes over the entire culture for a generation.)
NYT Short Review: Ryan Reynolds plays the emerald-hued superhero in a $150 million diversion.
(My gawwwwwd. Mothers shield the eyes of your children for a horror walks among us. Be gone, Green Lantern poster! Leave us in peace. D-… but only because it’s got a green theme which saves it from being an F.)
Tagline(s) – In brightest day, in blackest night. (C)
(Cool cool cool. Sooooo, you decided to make everything bad and/or lazy. Bold choice.)
Keyword(s) – canada
Top 10: The Matrix Revolutions (2003), X-Men Origins: Wolverine (2009), Venom (2018), The Butterfly Effect (2004), Armageddon (1998), In Time (2011), Transformers: Dark of the Moon (2011), Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen (2009), 2012 (2009), Home Alone 2: Lost in New York (1992)
Future BMT: 90.3 Vampires Suck (2010), 89.9 House of the Dead (2003), 88.6 Dumb and Dumberer: When Harry Met Lloyd (2003), 79.6 Shark Night (2011), 78.9 Daddy Day Camp (2007), 77.2 Superhero Movie (2008), 74.9 Look Who’s Talking Too (1990), 74.0 The Spirit (2008), 73.9 The Next Karate Kid (1994), 73.1 The Turning (2020), 72.5 Mr. Magoo (1997), 71.8 Dance Flick (2009), 69.4 College Road Trip (2008), 68.9 Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen (2004), 68.8 The Santa Clause 3: The Escape Clause (2006), 68.6 Captivity (2007), 68.3 Yogi Bear (2010), 67.3 The Crow: City of Angels (1996), 67.0 The Flintstones (1994), 66.2 In the Mix (2005)
BMT: Battlefield Earth (2000), Catwoman (2004), Dragonball Evolution (2009), Batman & Robin (1997), The Emoji Movie (2017), The Wicker Man (2006), The Cat in the Hat (2003), Superman IV: The Quest for Peace (1987), The Love Guru (2008), Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2 (2004), Crossroads (2002), Halloween: Resurrection (2002), Movie 43 (2013), Barb Wire (1996), RoboCop 3 (1993), Highlander II: The Quickening (1991), Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li (2009), Jason X (2001), Aliens vs. Predator: Requiem (2007), Little Man (2006), Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2 (2015), The Twilight Saga: New Moon (2009), Freddy Got Fingered (2001), After Earth (2013), The Bye Bye Man (2017), Caddyshack II (1988), Big Mommas: Like Father, Like Son (2011), Jonah Hex (2010), Species II (1998), …
Best Options (Action): 89.9 House of the Dead (2003), 79.6 Shark Night (2011), 77.2 Superhero Movie (2008), 74.0 The Spirit (2008), 73.9 The Next Karate Kid (1994), 71.8 Dance Flick (2009), 67.3 The Crow: City of Angels (1996), 63.5 Skinwalkers (2006), 61.4 G-Force (2009), 59.6 Agent Cody Banks (2003), 58.5 Resident Evil: Retribution (2012), 57.9 Legion (2010), 53.9 Spy Hard (1996), 52.1 Green Lantern (2011), 50.8 The Core (2003), 50.0 Collateral Damage (2002), … (and many more sub-50)
(Not the best, but maybe one of the best we could do with a true blue Canadian star in a true blue giant box office bomb. BTW the plot is odd, but just because there isn’t a particularly good way to just get movies that stars a Canadian. But such is life.)
Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 16) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Ryan Reynolds is No. 1 billed in Green Lantern and No. 1 billed in Hitman’s Wife’s Bodyguard, which also stars Samuel L. Jackson (No. 2 billed) who is in Jumper (No. 3 billed) which also stars Michael Rooker (No. 5 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 4 billed) => (1 + 1) + (2 + 3) + (5 + 4) = 16. If we were to watch Smokin’ Aces we can get the HoE Number down to 11.
Notes – Carol’s line “I’ve seen you naked! You think I wouldn’t recognize you because you covered your cheekbones!” was an ad-lib by Blake Lively.
Ryan Reynolds, who played the protagonist, famously hated the movie. He has admitted to having a poor working relationship with director Martin Campbell and was glad to see the film perform poorly critically and financially, as he did not wish to reprise his role as the Green Lantern. In his later movie Deadpool (2016), he references the Green Lantern in a negative way when he requests a suit that is neither green nor animated while being rolled into the medical room on a gurney; in the sequel Deadpool 2 (2018), he goes back into time, preventing himself from ever taking the Green Lantern role.
Ryan Reynolds met his wife Blake Lively on the set of this film. They would get married in September 2012 and later have four children.
To prepare for his role as Hector Hammond, Peter Sarsgaard spent time with a biologist from Tulane University, who he described as “the most eccentric guy I could find.” They both worked on preparing the lecture Hammond gives in the film.
One of the Green Lanterns, Rot Lop Fan, wears a bell insignia rather than a lantern image on his chest. This is because his world gets almost no sunlight, so they never developed eyesight. Since he has no use for colors and lights, his symbol is an F-Sharp bell, which makes a tone pleasing to his species.
Canadian Bacon was a real staple of cable. It’s hard to even figure how many times I saw the movie… I’m sure it felt like a lot more than it actually was. That’s why I was so shocked when Patrick (to our dismay) revealed that it didn’t qualify for BMT. It never really got a substantial US release. It seems impossible. But it’s the truth. What is also the truth is that understanding what “qualified” means for 80’s and early 90’s films can be a fraught endeavor. Sometimes you have to stand back and look at a film and think “is this BMT?” Was Two Much not a BMT film? Was Swept Away, the worst film ever made, not BMT? We have previously answered in the negative to this, but I think we probably erred slightly. Those certainly don’t seem like “friends,” and neither does Canadian Bacon. Directed by Michael Moore, starring John Candy, and made for $11 million dollars. It played gangbusters on cable for a reason. That reason is that it’s probably BMT, so we’ll let this one slide… this time.
To recap, after being laid off from a recently closed weapons factory, Bud B. Boomer has used his family connections to become Sheriff of Niagara Falls. While he spends his time fishing the suicidal former factory workers from the falls with the help of his girlfriend(?) Honey, the President of the United States is trying to figure out how to get reelected. Turns out having extended peacetime has been no good for the military industrial complex and that’s no good for him. They need a war, and fast! When they catch Boomer and his friends brawling at a cross-border hockey game they get the bright idea to set up a false flag “Canadian” operation targeting the Niagara power plant. Boomer and his friends are incensed and plan a counter operation to drop garbage across the border. Unfortunately, Honey is caught. The President isn’t sweating it (in fact he’s loving it), that is until Boomer heads into Canada to rescue Honey and leaves a trail of petty crimes in his wake. They send special forces in to stop Boomer, but are surprised when it appears that Canada has taken control of US nukes and aimed them at Moscow. In reality the owner of the recently closed weapons factory is tired of this fake war and wants a real war. He has hacked into the weapons system and made it look like Canada is creating the war. Everyone is panicking. Even more so when the weapons maker is killed and the only other person in on the ruse is arrested. Meanwhile, Boomer and Honey come together at the CN Tower where the weapon is being housed. Honey sees that the machines are made by the company that laid them off and in a fit of rage destroys them just before all the nukes are launched. They save the day and the world. THE END.
Canadian Bacon is a more ramshackle production than I remember. Definitely feels like a film made by a documentarian. That being said, John Candy is very good in it (as are some of the actors doing cameos) and there are some very funny scenes in the first ⅔ of the film. It’s incredibly prescient, as well, which speaks to Moore’s understanding of the political environment of the time. You almost would think he made the film in the early 2000’s given some of the subject matter. Ultimately, they couldn’t quite land the plane, though. They seemed to really want a Dr. Strangelove moment at the end, but it doesn’t work. Feels like an 80’s comedy by the time it finishes. I can see why I liked it as a kid, though… similar to Strange Brew. Not everything hits, but when it does it’s very funny.
Hot Take Clam Bake! Of all the things mentioned in the epilogue the one I buy the least is Oliver North becoming President in the next election… particularly in the alleged landslide indicated. Ollie North? Landslide? I don’t think so. He was super controversial at the time. He lost a close Senate election in 1994 almost entirely because an Independent candidate tried to jump in to play to the center of him. Now if you told me he got a surprise nomination and ultimately squeaked out a victory against a weak incumbent… sure. But a landslide? The Iran-Contra guy? I don’t buy it. I’d buy Boomer’s friend becoming an NHL legend before I bought that. Hot Take Temperature: Hellfire.
Patrick?
Patrick
‘Ello everyone! What are we talking about? Are we talking about John Candy invading Canada and Michael Moore almost torpedoing his documentary career? Let’s go!
Ah Canadian Bacon. We are really on a role with films we’ve seen before. And in a way I’m reminding myself of all the things we’ve been missing from the classic BMTs of yesteryear.
Remember like … Dutch angles? There was a whole thing with that in the first year of BMT. We couldn’t watch a thriller without seeing loads of Dutch angles! It was a wild time.
There is just something charming about the three prior movies. TMNT II and III are really a nonsensical smorgasbord of films designed solely to sell toys to me and Jamie. Eddie is an odd type of comedy fashioned out of how a few people thought basketball worked (possibly without having watched basketball in their lives). And The Animal was that early 2000s borderline gross-out comedy where getting the 6th place person on a reality show was considered a boon. All of them are truly and profoundly bizarre historical relics.
Canadian Bacon is that film you watched on television where you’d never have ever considered seeing it, but then it is just on all the time for free. It isn’t really funny, but it has a bunch of funny people in it, and you eventually go “oh Kevin Pollack! From Willow” and maybe you’d remember he was also in Canadian Bacon.
But really you’d never remember he was in Canadian Bacon. The film is very charming. It is really just very very poorly made. Everything you think of when you think of how a movie is stitched together (like B-roll footage, and a narrative structure) is totally missing and replaced by something a college student could put together. Meanwhile John Candy is still killing it, and the story has a mostly interesting satire underlying it.
This was, somehow, the follow-up to Roger & Me and legitimately seemed to almost destroy Michael Moore’s career. Also it didn’t actually qualify, but who cares, it is a wide release in our hearts.
What else … Rhea Perlman is over the top, but fun. And honestly Alan Alda is hilarious as the nincompoop president. Really the acting is top notch, the comedy hits on occasion, but it is all let down by everything being encased within a non-film.
I do think Roy Boy is a Planchet (Who?), his character’s function is just to screw up and get dunked on. Obviously must give a Product Placement (What?) shoutout to Molson and all the other awesomely Canadian things, like Ontario, the sportsman’s paradise. Let’s get that A+ Setting (Where?) for Canada, but in reality, this is a fantastic Niagara Falls film. And this I think is closest to BMT, it is a very very weird film and somehow manages to escape its non-qualification to become a big film.
Read about my Canadian Bacon sequel in the Quiz. Cheerios,
Oh man, so get this. I got all jazzed up about going to war against Canada. But then when I got there and starting littering this Mounties came over and were all like “Soooooory”. Needless to say I now have a concussion and can’t remember a thing. Do you remember what happened in Canadian Bacon?
Questions
1) In the beginning of the film our … uh heroes, are hoping to fish suicides out of the Falls in Niagara Falls, NY. How much do they get for a body and how much for saving someone?
2) Meanwhile, the President is in real trouble. His poll numbers are dropping and he doesn’t know what to do. Why are his poll numbers dropping?
3) What is the initial plan to turn the American people against Canada? How is it foiled?
4) Honey is caught littering just over the border and is taken to Ottawa. Why does Honey go to Toronto after escaping?
5) What does the Hacker Hellstorm do? What did the Canadians think it did? How is it disabled?
Bonus Question: In a surprise announcement a sequel starring Kevin Pollack as the new President of the United States was announced recently. What was his main platform issue he ran on?
And it’s a fight they wouldn’t have. Together they stand up and reach out their collective hand. “Good show. Very funny,” Jamie and Patrick say through gritted teeth. Kevin James’ features melt and suddenly he’s smiling. They continue on with some banal small talk until KJ (as they have come to call him) bids them goodbye. Before he leaves the Kansas honkytonk he turns to his crowd of admirers and tells them, “the Move Twins are OK in my book.” Soon everyone is patting them on the back and telling them how much they admire the Rich and Poe films, books, comic books, songs, children’s cartoon series, toy lines, clothing, low cal beverages, high cal beverages, cowboy boots, cowboy hats, other hats, Japanese baseball team, and (now defunct) airline. A slow clap is heard from the back of the bar. Drake and Charlie come out from the shadows. Their faces are aglow after secretly witnessing how adeptly Jamie and Patrick were able to circumnavigate Step 1 in the Dudikoff Method for Recovery: Acceptance. “You accepted responsibility for all the terrible things you said about Kevin James in your past addiction,” they explain, “and then congratulated him on dishing it out HARD.” They then go into great detail about all the hilarious ways KJ made them look like total buffoons. “It’s always the most funny when there’s a kernel of truth to the joke,” Drake finishes, which seems a bit unnecessary. But Jamie and Patrick are just glad to be past Step 1. “So what’s next?” they ask. Drake and Charlie become very serious. “Having Kevin James totally own you is a great step. But Kevin James isn’t the only one you hurt,” Drake says solemnly. “What do you guys think of Canada?” Charlie asks, with a glimmer in his eye. That’s right! We are watching Canadian Bacon. Eagle brained readers might be like “But does Canadian Bacon qualify by your unnecessarily strict rules?” and I would say “shut your mouth (but also no (but also, come on it’s Canadian Bacon)).” Rulez are Coolz, of course, but sometimes you gotta throw caution to the wind and risk it for the most Canadian film of all time for our Canada cycle, eh? Let’s go!
Canadian Bacon (1995) – BMeTric: 30.6; Notability: 51
StreetCreditReport.com –BMeTric: top 15.2%; Notability: top 6.8%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 6.9%; Higher BMeT: Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Next Generation, Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers, Lawnmower Man 2: Beyond Cyberspace, Vampire in Brooklyn, Fair Game, Showgirls, Jury Duty, Batman Forever, Mighty Morphin Power Rangers, Congo, Theodore Rex, The Babysitter, Under Siege 2: Dark Territory, A Kid in King Arthur’s Court, Candyman: Farewell to the Flesh, Judge Dredd, Nine Months, The Scarlet Letter, Johnny Mnemonic, Virtuosity, and 18 more; Higher Notability: Batman Forever, Congo, Judge Dredd, Cutthroat Island, Under Siege 2: Dark Territory, Virtuosity, Showgirls, Mighty Morphin Power Rangers, Four Rooms, Money Train, Assassins, Steal Big Steal Little, Panther, Jefferson in Paris, Hackers, Jade, Things to Do in Denver When You’re Dead; Lower RT: The Big Green, National Lampoon’s Senior Trip, Jury Duty, Theodore Rex, Delta of Venus, Top Dog, Born to Be Wild, The Walking Dead, A Kid in King Arthur’s Court, The Hunted, It Takes Two, Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers, Bushwhacked, Lawnmower Man 2: Beyond Cyberspace, Dracula: Dead and Loving It, Fair Game; Notes: Played 68 times on television, on Showtime (37 times), TMC (23 times), and USA (8 times). Played 7 times around primetime, although only once at 8PM, on September 20, 1996, which naturally was its television debut, where it went up against Bushwacked starring Daniel Stern on Cinemax. And yeah, it’s release date was September 22, 1995, so it debuted on television almost precisely one year after. That is an insane Notability for a film barely released to theaters, but it does have an insane number of cameos.
Leonard Maltin – 2.5 stars – In order to gain a strong platform for re-election, the president of the United States does the unthinkable and declares war on our neighbor to the north, Canada. Moore stumbles with his second film after the terrific Roger & Me. A top cast is wasted in this one-joke premise which lacks the satiric edge it needs.
(Yup, that sounds about right. But still … 2.5 for that review seems generous no? That feels like a 1.5 or even 2 star review somehow. Strange.)
(I watched this film so many times when I was a kid. The trailer does a good job at hiding some of the best jokes. It is weird. It is a pretty funny film. It just flags a bit in the third act. Kind of crazy that it basically didn’t get released to theaters.)
Directors – Michael Moore – ( BMT: Canadian Bacon; Notes: Well you know Michael Moore. This is an odd duck. He was apparently inspired by George H. W. Bush’s poll numbers during the Persian Gulf War. It was shot in ‘93 but only got a very limited release (by Madonna’s company) in 1995.)
Writers – Michael Moore – ( BMT: Canadian Bacon; Notes: His only writing credit on a narrative film naturally. He does have a bunch of writing credits for his documentaries. He won an Oscar for Bowling for Columbine.)
Actors – John Candy – ( Known For: National Lampoon’s Vacation; Uncle Buck; JFK; Home Alone; The Blues Brothers; Spaceballs; Little Shop of Horrors; Splash; Stripes; The Great Outdoors; 1941; Cool Runnings; Planes, Trains & Automobiles; Heavy Metal; The Rescuers Down Under; Volunteers; She’s Having a Baby; Follow That Bird; Only the Lonely; The Silent Partner; Future BMT: Rookie of the Year; Career Opportunities; Summer Rental; Armed and Dangerous; Brewster’s Millions; Who’s Harry Crumb?; Once Upon a Crime…; Speed Zone; Delirious; BMT: Nothing But Trouble; Canadian Bacon; Wagons East; Hot to Trot; Notes: This was his last film. Not the last he filmed (that was Wagons East), but it was the last released since it took so long to come to theaters. Nominated for 9 Emmys for SCTV where he won twice.)
Alan Alda – ( Known For: Bridge of Spies; The Aviator; Marriage Story; What Women Want; Wanderlust; Everyone Says I Love You; Tower Heist; The Object of My Affection; Crimes and Misdemeanors; Nothing But the Truth; Same Time, Next Year; Manhattan Murder Mystery; Flirting with Disaster; The Four Seasons; The Mephisto Waltz; California Suite; Flash of Genius; Betsy’s Wedding; Sweet Liberty; Resurrecting the Champ; Future BMT: The Longest Ride; Murder at 1600; Mad City; Whispers in the Dark; A New Life; BMT: Canadian Bacon; Notes: You would obviously know him from M*A*S*H. Nominated for an Oscar for The Aviator, and nominated for 29 Emmys … he won 6 times, mostly for M*A*S*H, but also for The West Wing)
Rhea Perlman – ( Known For: Barbie; Matilda; Sing; You People; The Sessions; 13: The Musical; 10 Items or Less; Lemon; I’ll See You in My Dreams; My Little Pony: The Movie; Movie Madness; The Trouble with Bliss; Marvelous and the Black Hole; Ted & Venus; Funny Face; There Goes the Neighborhood; Swap Meet; Love Child; Enid Is Sleeping; Love Comes Lately; Future BMT: We’re Back! A Dinosaur’s Story; Class Act; Carpool; Poms; Sunset Park; BMT: Canadian Bacon; Notes: And you’d obviously know her from Cheers. She was nominated 10 times for her role in that (including 8 times in a row from 1983 to 1991) and won 4 times.)
(Yeah so … you might ask yourself how this film qualifies for BMT. It is best not to think about it. It was released to less than 100 theaters and was in theaters for like a week.)
(The reviews mostly are in the vein of: Moore mis-uses the cast for a shallow mis-fire of a political satire. I mostly just agree that it is a waste of a cast, but the film is more fun that you would think, especially in the first 45 minutes.)
NYT Short Review – Tickles the funny bone, but loses its way.
(Crazy that this was actually the poster. Pretty great. A.)
Tagline(s) – Help America fight the Canadians (I… for I Don’t Know if This is a Tagline)
(I don’t know if I’d call this the tagline… the poster is spoofing propaganda posters, so it has to have words on it. But words a tagline does not make… that’s something I learned long ago.)
Keyword(s) – canada
Top 10: The Matrix Revolutions (2003), X-Men Origins: Wolverine (2009), Venom (2018), The Butterfly Effect (2004), Armageddon (1998), In Time (2011), Transformers: Dark of the Moon (2011), Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen (2009), 2012 (2009), Home Alone 2: Lost in New York (1992)
Future BMT: 90.3 Vampires Suck (2010), 89.9 House of the Dead (2003), 88.6 Dumb and Dumberer: When Harry Met Lloyd (2003), 84.1 Prom Night (2008), 79.6 Shark Night (2011), 78.9 Daddy Day Camp (2007), 77.2 Superhero Movie (2008), 74.9 Look Who’s Talking Too (1990), 74.0 The Spirit (2008), 73.9 The Next Karate Kid (1994), 73.1 The Turning (2020), 72.5 Mr. Magoo (1997), 71.8 Dance Flick (2009), 71.7 Zoom (2006), 69.4 College Road Trip (2008), 68.9 Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen (2004), 68.8 The Santa Clause 3: The Escape Clause (2006), 68.6 Captivity (2007), 68.3 Yogi Bear (2010), 67.3 The Crow: City of Angels (1996)
BMT: Battlefield Earth (2000), Catwoman (2004), Dragonball Evolution (2009), Batman & Robin (1997), The Emoji Movie (2017), The Wicker Man (2006), The Cat in the Hat (2003), Superman IV: The Quest for Peace (1987), The Love Guru (2008), Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2 (2004), Crossroads (2002), Halloween: Resurrection (2002), Movie 43 (2013), Barb Wire (1996), RoboCop 3 (1993), Highlander II: The Quickening (1991), Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li (2009), Jason X (2001), Aliens vs. Predator: Requiem (2007), Little Man (2006), Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2 (2015), The Twilight Saga: New Moon (2009), Freddy Got Fingered (2001), After Earth (2013), The Bye Bye Man (2017), Caddyshack II (1988), Big Mommas: Like Father, Like Son (2011), Jonah Hex (2010), Species II (1998), The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1 (2011), Highlander: The Final Dimension (1994), Halloween II (2009), Year One (2009), It’s Pat: The Movie (1994), Big Momma’s House 2 (2006), Silent Hill: Revelation (2012), My Boss’s Daughter (2003), Ghosts of Mars (2001), Fantasy Island (2020), Tammy (2014), Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III (1993), Superman III (1983), … (and many more)
Best Options (Comedy): 90.3 Vampires Suck (2010), 88.6 Dumb and Dumberer: When Harry Met Lloyd (2003), 78.9 Daddy Day Camp (2007), 77.2 Superhero Movie (2008), 74.9 Look Who’s Talking Too (1990), 72.5 Mr. Magoo (1997), 71.8 Dance Flick (2009), 71.7 Zoom (2006), 69.4 College Road Trip (2008), 68.9 Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen (2004), 68.8 The Santa Clause 3: The Escape Clause (2006), 68.3 Yogi Bear (2010), 67.0 The Flintstones (1994), 66.2 In the Mix (2005), 65.0 Scary Movie 4 (2006), 64.9 An American Carol (2008), 64.5 The Comebacks (2007), 62.1 Cursed (2005), 61.5 Scooby-Doo (2002), 61.3 Deck the Halls (2006), 60.2 Holy Man (1998), 59.9 Jury Duty (1995), 59.7 Hoodwinked 2: Hood vs. Evil (2011), 59.6 Agent Cody Banks (2003), 59.4 Scooby-Doo 2: Monsters Unleashed (2004), 58.7 Scary Movie 2 (2001), 55.2 The Stupids (1996), 54.7 Snow Dogs (2002), 54.6 The Smurfs 2 (2013), 54.4 The Wild (2006), 53.9 Annie (2014), 53.9 Spy Hard (1996), 53.3 Made in America (1993), 53.2 Aloha (2015), … (and many more)
(There were a lot of options, but we really really really wasn’t to get a John Candy in here, and this seemed like a fun option.)
Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 17) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: John Candy is No. 1 billed in Canadian Bacon and No. 2 billed in Hot to Trot, which also stars Virginia Madsen (No. 4 billed) who is in Firewall (No. 3 billed) which also stars Harrison Ford (No. 1 billed) who is in Hollywood Homicide (No. 1 billed) which also stars Josh Hartnett (No. 2 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 3 billed) => (1 + 2) + (4 + 3) + (1 + 1) + (2 + 3) = 17. If we were to watch Murder at 1600, and The Glass House we can get the HoE Number down to 13.
Notes – Final theatrical feature film of actor, comedian, and movie star John Candy, although filming had wrapped on this film before Wagons East (1994), which was released a year earlier.
John Candy, who was born and raised in Canada, plays Sheriff Bud Boomer, who is not only American, but is rabidly anti-Canada.
Alan Alda’s character is never given a name, and is both referred to and credited only as the President of the United States.
The final note in the credits, “To Johnny LaRue – thanks to you, we got our crane shot”, is a reference to one of John Candy’s recurring characters on SCTV Channel (1983) .
Michael Moore was turned down by 47 different film companies before Madonna’s Maverick Productions picked up the option.
The Animal has a long and storied history in me and Patrick’s bad movie journey. Sure we watched the film when it came out. How couldn’t we? It starred America’s sweetheart Rob Schneider and Survivor-contestant-turned-actress-turned-not-an-actress Colleen Haskell. Survivor was HUGE. I can’t recall if we saw it in theaters (probably not), but we certainly rented it. Then years later when we first went our separate ways post-college we decided to start what is essentially the Chain Reaction category between each other. From our distant locales we would give each other a movie to watch using an actor or actress from the movie we had just watched. At one point I punted Pearl Harbor over to Patrick and I remember him saying “Don’t do this. Let’s not make each other watch movies we don’t want to watch.” But I disagreed and Pearl Harbor was his. As punishment Patrick gave me The Animal (probably through Guy Torry) and the venture quickly fizzled out. So this is at least my third time watching the film. Cool cool cool.
To recap, Rob Schneider is the opposite of an animal. He is a weakling with asthma who has his heart set on joining the police but can’t get past the obstacle course portion of the entrance exam. After his latest failure he is humiliated by being forced to mind the police station while all the real police officers go off to play softball. While they are away a call comes in and Schneider can’t help but respond. On his way, though, he crashes his car off a cliff and is horrifically mangled. We see him taken by some Dr. Frankenstein style doctor who puts him back together. He has no memory of the event, but finds that he was missing for weeks and now has the speed, strength, smell, swimming etc. of animals. He is quickly put onto the police force when he sniffs out some heroin at the airport, and then further excels when he saves the Mayor’s son from drowning. He even gets a date with his local celebrity crush, Rianna. This is all despite the fact that his behavior gets increasingly bizarre and there are multiple attacks reported around town that seem to be a result of his tendency to enter an animalistic like fugue state. The doctor that fixed him eventually explains what has happened and tries to help him curb his appetites, but it doesn’t work and he is forced to escape into the woods. A mob assembles to track him down, but before they do he finds that in fact Rianna is also an “Animal” and is behind the attacks. The mob arrives and is dead set on killing him until his black friend, Miles, takes the blame. The mob then feels uncomfortable with the whole idea and calls it off. Rob and Rianna smooch and have a litter of babies. THE END.
There is something about a real dumbo comedy that you can’t get anywhere else. It has one purpose: it is trying to make you laugh. Every second of this film is trying to make you laugh. There is almost no sentimentality, because why would there be? There is something admirable about that. I wouldn’t say I laughed a whole lot at the hundred jokes they threw at me, but there were a hundred of them and so of course I laughed. I liked that. I does feel like we lost something by not having the option to watch The Animal in theaters laughing along with a bunch of similarly-minded idiots. This is definitely a streaming movie now and no one would ever think about it ever again. But The Animal persists. Cons: stupid, acting is terrible, plot twist at the end doesn’t make any sense. Pros: laughing feels good.
Hot Take Clam Bake! I mean… Rob Schneider was dead the whole time? That seems almost too obvious. He crashed his car off a cliff and then had a boulder roll on top of him. He is dead and in his final moments imagines how it would be that he would not only survive but become everything he hoped and dreamed he could be. He’s a super cop! He gets the girl he saw on TV! He doesn’t get murdered by a mob! By the time he’s imagining his TV crush is also an Animal and is having a litter of offspring with him you know his brain is entirely on the fritz and death is mere moments away. Hot Take Temperature: Survivor Season 1 Level Hot.
Patrick?
Patrick
‘Ello everyone! What are we talking about? Are we talking about Rob Schneider with a boatload of animals all up in him? Let’s go!
Ah, one of those movies I’ve seen too many times for the weirdest reasons possible. Surely it was just on all the time on television. Well … maybe, but that isn’t why I watched it. I watched it once in theaters, once in a summer chain reaction challenge thing Jamie and I did, and then once on a lark. This is the fourth time I’ve seen The Animal for no real discernable reason.
If I were to pick a single Rob Schneider film as an example of his comedy I think this would be it. His character is a mostly sweet but hapless weirdo, and a strange thing happens to him that makes him the hero in the end. It isn’t funny, but it also manages to not be too terribly offensive which is a rarity for Happy Madison productions of the era.
Colleen Haskell isn’t a good actor, but she’s better than I would expect I think.
It isn’t surprising that she left the experience with a bad taste in her mouth. Of all the things that “age poorly” in the film the worst is probably just how they shoot her. Often in skimpy clothing and specifically as the romantic interest. She has very little to do in the film otherwise. It is understandable, but an unfortunate thing to subject a normal person to.
There are some laugh out loud moments … or maybe like exhale strongly. The entire storyline about Guy Torry’s various attempts to get people to acknowledge his race. McGinley cranking it up to 11 as usual. Ed Asner has a lot of Rip Torn energy in this one which works. And finally the triple head fake at the end I think is genuinely a very funny joke, where they seem to reveal the other Animal three times before finally revealing the twist that Haskell is the other animal.
And of course I would be remiss if I didn’t mention Norm’s short but pretty delightful cameo as … himself I suppose.
I have to repeat: this film isn’t funny. But it also isn’t unpleasant. And Happy Madison was about to go top speed into unpleasantville with a few of Schneider’s follow ups and eventually culminating in Bucky Larson: Born to Be a Star.
For a Sandler-adjacent film this had a surprisingly small Product Placement (What?) in Slim Jim, which Schneider had to slam in order to curb his animal cravings. Fictional Setting as a Character (Where?) for Elkerton, California. And a Worst Twist for the reveal that Colleen Haskell is an aminal as well.
Read about my Animal sequel in the Quiz. Cheerios,
Bad Movie Twins 