50+ BMeTric – Page 23 – Bad Movie Twins

On Deadly Ground Preview

Alright, onto this week. Once upon a time a boy named Steven Seagal stumbled inadvertently into fame after giving an aikido demonstration for a bunch of Hollywood talent execs hopped up on cocaine (probably). They thought it was totally kick ass and immediately allowed him to star in five major motion pictures, culminating in Under Siege (a wild success). After reading The Art of the Deal by Donald Trump (probably) he was all like “I have leverage” and was like “I totally won’t do Under Siege II unless you let me direct my next film.” The execs were horrified. They needed the sweet, sweet Under Siege II dollars to fuel their obsessive speedboat collecting habits. So they said yes and he made a little movie called On Deadly Ground and everyone in the world lived happily ever after. That’s the story of our next film. The only directorial effort by the late, great Steven Seagal (Patrick’s Note: Steven Seagal is not dead). He apparently decided not to direct again because how can you improve at something you’ve perfected? We now get to watch his perfection. Let’s go!

On Deadly Ground (1994) – BMeTric: 62.8

OnDeadlyGround_BMeT

(BMT University Alert! Months ago I postulated that an adjustment to the BMeTric needed to be made, a Genre Adjusted BMeTric (GABMeT, the first part of an adjusted BMeT+), in order to account for the fact that Horror films have a small bizarrely devoted fanbase who watches everything and is perfectly willing to throw out ratings on IMDb. It artificially inflates the BMeTrics of Horror films and leaves us baffled. I’m going to say it now: Seagal is the same. His straight-to-video film from 2015 has 2000 votes on IMDb … 2000! How?! Who watches these things?! Baffling. So this is probably like … a 40 in my Seagal Adjusted BMeTric (SABMeT). Book it.)

Leonard Maltin – 1.5 stars – After the critical/popular success of Under Siege, Seagal was allowed to direct this fast-fader about the raping of Alaska’s interior by an oil company run by evil Caine. Spiritual mumbo-jumbo halfway through look like an outtake from The Doors, and the star’s anticlimactic final speech (and the obligatory wrist-snapping) had fans bolting for the exits. Caine looks as if he’s undergone cosmetic surgery by Dwight Frye.

(Leonard should have just stopped at “evil Caine.” No need to say more. I’m in. He then descends into film nerd jokes that only he would get. I do not understand either The Doors reference or the Dwight Frye thing. Finally, I can’t wait to enjoy Seagal’s anticlimactic speech. I feel like BMT was built on anticlimactic speeches.)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kyD_6_jFB8A

(I wonder if this is the only case of the White Savior trope being used in reference to the inuit people? Probably. Love, love, love the line “I’m gonna reach out and touch somebody here.” Bwhahahahaha.)

Director(s) – Steven Seagal – (BMT: On Deadly Ground Notes: For Razzie info see below. His lone directorial debut. It is said that he got to do this because he agreed to be in Under Siege II: Dark Territory. This was a small production until Seagal was attached at which point its budget ballooned.)

Writer(s) – Ed Horowitz (written by) – (BMT: On Deadly Ground; Exit Wounds; Notes: Nominated for Worst Screenplay, On Deadly Ground (1994); Teaches at UCLA and is known for his work with Segal in addition to writing for La Femme Nikita.)

Robin U. Russin (written by) – (BMT: On Deadly Ground; Notes: Nominated for Worst Screenplay, On Deadly Ground (1994); Teaches as University of California Riverside and the author of Screenplay: Writing the Picture.)

Actors – Steven Seagal – (Known For: Machete, Executive Decision, Under Siege, The Perfect Weapon, Above the Law; BMT: On Deadly Ground, The Patriot, Half Past Dead, Fire Down Below, Ticker, The Foreigner, Under Siege 2: Dark Territory, Into the Sun, The Glimmer Man, Exit Wounds, Maximum Conviction, Hard to Kill; Notes: For Razzie info see below. We all know Seagal. We rode that sweet high-octane martial arts wave from the late eighties, through the 90s, and (like many a-wave rider) became a parody of himself in the 2000s. He is still making movies, but basically straight-to-video stuff. His fanbase does appear strong though judging by the number of IMDb votes his recent movies receive (that I’ve never heard of, let alone seen). Make yo money Seagal, haters gonna hate.)

Razzie Info for Segal: Won for Worst Director, On Deadly Ground (1994); Nominated for Worst Actor, On Deadly Ground (1994), Fire Down Below (1997), and Half Past Dead (2002); Nominated for Worst Supporting Actor, Executive Decision (1996); Nominated for Worst Original Song, Fire Down Below (1997) For the song “Fire Down Below” (!!!!!! He genuinely helped write that song!)

Also stars Michael Caine!

Budget/Gross: $50 million / $38,590,458

(Oooooooooooof. Why does this movie cost $50 million? Why would they give that to Seagal for his directoral debut? How much of that budget went to ‘splosions? Hopefully a lot. In reality Seagal probably gave most of it to Caine and himself and then laughed all the way to the bank.)

Rotten Tomatoes: 10% (3/30), No consensus yet.

(Bah, I’m going to give it a consensus. Not even evil Michael Caine can save this disastrous directorial debut. Explosions galore, but ultimately underwhelms.)

Poster – Bob Ross-esque (B-)

ondeadlyground

(There is something mesmerizing about this poster despite it being a bit crowded. I like the title font and really like the tones. Seagal’s giant orange face mixes nicely with the burning building and the sunrise and all that fades picturesquely into the darker background. It’s like a painting that Bob Ross would have painted. I can’t stop staring at it. This means something…)

Tagline(s) – His Battle To Save The Alaskan Wilderness And Protect Its People Can Only Be Won… (D)

(… On Deadly Ground. Let me just finish that little guy for you. Way too long. Almost a perfect example of informative, but boring. And stupidly incorporating an already stupid title into the tagline, just not a good look all around.)

Notes – The final scene when Forrest Taft gives the speech about the oil companies and air pollution, was originally 11 minutes long. Audiences complained that it was overlong and preachy. The scene was re-edited before release. (fuck you audiences, do you think I can find this?)

There were allegations that Michael Caine and Steven Seagal didn’t get along. However, in Caine’s memoir, The Elephant To Hollywood, he stated that he liked working with Seagal and the crew, but hated filming in Alaska, even joking that “On Deadly Ground” was an apt title. (This has been settings facts, brought to you by Jamie’s weird obsession)

Steven Seagal agreed to appear in Under Siege 2: Dark Territory (1995) if Warner Bros. allowed him to direct this film. (good deal bro)

After Warner offered Steven Seagal the directorial reins for this film, then titled Rainbow Warrior, the budget blew out when bigger and more explosive action scenes were written into the screenplay. Warner turned to indie production company Largo Entertainment to share some of the cost. In return, Largo would get the international rights to the film. However, after Under Siege (1992) opened, and performed beyond Warner’s expectations, Warner decided to fully finance the film themselves.

On Deadly Ground was not Steven Seagal’s first choice to make his directorial debut. He was initially offered the mafia drama “Man of Honor” as a starring/director/writer vehicle by Twentieth Century Fox and Morgan Creek Productions, but cost overruns, and Fox’s unwillingness to plonk down $30+ million dollars for the film, forced the pic to shutdown, just weeks away from filming.

Razzie Awards 1995, Won for Worst Director, Steven Seagal

Razzie Awards 1995, Nominated for Worst Picture

Razzie Awards 1995, Nominated for Worst Actor, Steven Seagal

Razzie Awards 1995, Nominated for Worst Actress, Joan Chen

Razzie Awards 1995, Nominated for Worst Screenplay, Ed Horowitz, Robin U. Russin

Razzie Awards 1995, Nominated for Worst Original Song, Mark Hudson, Klaus Meine, For the song “Under The Same Sun”.

The Tuxedo Preview

Moving onto this week’s film, we were on a quest for a comedy film where the director never directed anything before or since it’s release. This actually turned out to be pretty tough for the genre. Not sure why. Perhaps it’s just more common for comedy directors to be given second or third chances at directing. Who knows. Regardless, we ended up finding the Jackie Chan classic The Tuxedo to fit into the cycle, which was directed by Kevin Donovan, a director known mostly for commercial directing. I’m excited for a little martial arts action comedy adventure. Let’s go!

The Tuxedo (2002) – BMeTric: 52.0

TheTuxedo_BMeT

(I am stunned this ended up with this high of a rating! A BMeTric of 50+ is incredible high echelon stuff. Knowing the medallion though I can see it. It has been dropping a bit recently, probably (this is my current theory) because people who watched the film as children (you love everything when you are a child, see Hook and Hackers in my case) are now older and rating things online. I bet there are more than a few people who are like “The Tuxedo is bad?!??!”)

RogerEbert.com – 1.5/4 stars – The movie is silly beyond comprehension, and even if it weren’t silly, it would still be beyond comprehension.

Leonard Maltin – BOMB – Dreadful concoction casts Chan as a cabbie-turned-chauffeur who must take the place of his new boss, a dashing government spy; when he dons the secret agent’s tuxedo, he acquires superhuman skills. Boneheaded movie replaces (or augments) Chan’s dazzling martial arts skills with special effects; what’s more, the script’s t&a “humor” is a poor fit for the ever likeable star. Hewitt is incredibly obnoxious as Jackie’s new partner. Bob Balaban appears unbilled.

(Lots to unpack here. Leonard certainly has a lot to say. Love his excessive use of semicolons. Classic Len. Also love the shade he’s throwing at the script through the use of quotation marks around “humor.” Finally, he singles out Hewitt for being incredibly obnoxious. Is it possible that she’s more obnoxious than Chris Tucker in the Rush Hour series? If so, bravo.)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RHAOLihH58s

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RHAOLihH58s

(This is late 90’s, early 2000s candy for my brain. I’m so excited. I think my two favorite things from the trailer are the “shake_booty” option on the tux… which is wonderfully awful and the fact that the tux is Devlin’s “2 billion dollar secret.” Haha, what? Why that amount of money? Is the cost of production an important plot point?)

Director(s) – Kevin Donovan – (BMT: The Tuxedo; Notes: An internationally recognized commercial and music video director. Was attached to direct Beverly Hills Chihauhau, but dropped out due to creative differences.)

Writer(s) – Michael Leeson (screenplay) – (Known For: The War of the Roses; What Planet Are You From?; BMT: The Tuxedo; The Survivors; Notes: A prolific and renowned tv writer he has been nominated (and won) several Emmys and was nominated for a BAFTA and Academy Award. Wrote for the Cosby Show)

Michael J. Wilson (story, screenplay) – (Known For: Ice Age; BMT: Shark Tale; The Tuxedo; Notes: Mostly a kids film writer as far as credits, I wouldn’t be surprised is he was a script doctor.)

Matt Manfredi and Phil Hay (story) – (Known For: Crazy/Beautiful; The Invitation; BMT: Clash of the Titans; R.I.P.D. (BMT); Ride Along; The Tuxedo; Ride Along 2; Aeon Flux; Notes: Look at that filmography! They kind of got their break with The Tuxedo and that have really come up from there. Ride Along in particular was a huge success. This movie was a patchwork operation though, for sure.)

Actors – Jackie Chan – (Known For: Kung Fu Panda; Rush Hour; Rush Hour 2; Shanghai Noon; The Forbidden Kingdom; Shanghai Knights; The Karate Kid; Kung Fu Panda 2; Rumble in the Bronx; Enter the Dragon; Kung Fu Panda 3; Supercop 2; The Legend of Drunken Master; Supercop; Police Story 2; Police Story; Operation Condor; New Police Story; BMT: Rush Hour 3 (seen it); Around the World in 80 Days (BMT); The Tuxedo; The Spy Next Door; The Medallion (BMT); Police Story: Lockdown; The Protector; The Cannonball Run; Cannonball Run II; An Alan Smithee Film: Burn Hollywood Burn; Notes: Has the potential to be a BMT darling of sorts. The Medallion was a great BMT, so we are excited for this and Spy Next Door in particular. His movies often feature fight scene using props, cheeky slapstick humor, and a series of during-credits outtakes)

Jennifer Love Hewitt – (Known For: Can’t Hardly Wait; Heartbreakers; BMT: I Know What You Did Last Summer; I Still Know What You Did Last Summer; The Tuxedo; Garfield: A Tail of Two Kitties; The Audrey Hepburn Story; The Hunchback of Notre Dame II; Sister Act 2: Back in the Habit; Delgo; The Suburbans; House Arrest; Garfield – The Movie; Notes: Probably best known for her television work (Party of Five for example). Married to Brian Hallisay (only BMT film: Jessabelle), and according to IMDb is a huge fan of the Glasgow Celtic Football Club.)

Budget/Gross: $60 million / $50,547,998 ($104,391,623 Worldwide)

(That is quite the budget. At the time Chan was huge though. Rush Hour (30 million budget ballooning to 140 million by the time Rush Hour 3 came about), Shanghai Noon (55 million budget), and this each came out 2 years apart from each other (1998, 2000 and 2002). I think they were looking for their next franchise to insert him into. Shanghai Knights and Rush Hour 3 subsequently kind of stopped Chan’s career progressing in its tracks. This movie didn’t help, 100 million worldwide, yikes!)

Rotten Tomatoes: 21% (30/138), Chan is as charming as ever, but his talents are squandered by special effects and bad writing.

(I feel like this consensus from RT could have also been used for Around the World in 80 Days. Like Chan was charming, but the writing was shit and he didn’t get to do his usual stunt magic.)

Poster – Ooooo, look at that font, sexy (D)

tuxedo_ver3

(I really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really do not like that background mix of colors. Makes it look like garbage. Only good thing I can say about it is the font for the title is bomb (Patrick Note: While staring transfixed by this poster I exclaimed “The font on The Tuxedo is … incredible!” Twin time). I would love to see Patrick try to spoof that shit.)

Tagline(s) – He’s Not Looking For Trouble… He’s Wearing It. (B)

Class. Action. Suit. (A…. mazing)

(I generally stick to just the tagline on the poster, but the second one here is just too good. The one from the poster is surprisingly decent. Just a little wordy. Otherwise fairly clever and tells me a bit about the film. The second one is ridiculous. Like what does “Class action suit” have to do with anything? It makes me laugh. I’m laughing at it right now.)

Notes – When Jimmy goes through Mr. Devlin’s address book looking for “Walter Strider”, he finds phone numbers for Claudia Schiffer, Norman Schwarzkopf, Stephen Sondheim, and George M. Steinbrenner III (first names added). All of the numbers have special characters inserted to ensure that they are not real numbers that people might try to call. (Literally the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard)

The “high tech” sniper rifle featured in the movie, is really a scoped competition air rifle from Steyr. Nothing is done to hide this fact, the gun is in its original state. (get me the internet movie firearms database stat! It’s a real thing and, yes, this note is specifically made here)

At the premiere there was a chimp in a suit and hat. (What, why?)

Bill Murray: Can be seen in the final gallery scene as a customer. (WTF, that is kind of hilarious)

White Chicks Preview

As we head into the homestretch of the airball category, we are faced with finding a Razzie nominated film featuring a professional athlete. This is going to be pretty hard, right? Wrong! Not when you have Terry Crews (played for six years in the NFL) on your side! That’s right, we are taking advantage of his comedy filmography and doing the classic Wayans Brothers film White Chicks! It was nominated for five Razzies (Worst Picture, Worst Actress (ugh, for the Wayans Brothers), Worst Director, Worst Screenplay, and Worst Onscreen Couple), but came up against a juggernaut (Catwoman) and failed to win any of them. I’m pretty excited for this. Let’s go!

White Chicks (2004) – BMeTric: 50.7

WhiteChicks_BMeT

(Woah Nelly! Two 50+ BMeTric films in a row? Hose us down! This might be too much to handle. This is actually a nice plot because White Chicks was released right as the internet archive started to store IMDb pages and it is reasonably popular. You can even see the DVD bump right in the beginning.)

Leonard Maltin – 2 stars – Two male, maverick FBI agents go deep undercover, disguised as air-headed twin sisters, to flush out a criminal. They’re black but the girls are white, and that’s the central joke. Logic aside (and it certainly is), the heavy-handed comedy is a fragile excuse for the Wayans brothers to do a series of broad, silly riffs, poking fun at stereotypical white people. Unrated version runs 115m.

(Secret twin movie! Secret twin movie! Just like the Antonio Banderas classic Two Much, this begs the question: does a movie where the characters are pretending to be twins count as a real twin movie? The answer is yes, yes, a thousand times yes. I’m so happy. Editor Note: To point out, unlike with Two Much in this case presumably Maitland Ward and Anne Dudek are in fact playing twins. Although I don’t recall whether they specifically mention they are twins in the FBI briefing in the beginning or not. It is a subtle but important difference.)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p6V25aqQblM

(They literally look like monsters. How anyone would think they are human beings is odd, especially anyone who knew the girls they were impersonating. I’ll just hang out waiting for the dance scene, which looks amazing.)

Writer/Director – Keenen Ivory Wayans – (Known For: Scary Movie; I’m Gonna Git You Sucka; BMT: Scary Movie 2; White Chicks; A Low Down Dirty Shame; Little Man; Notes: Nominated for Worst Director and Screenplay, White Chicks (2004), Littleman (2006). Rose to prominence as the creator of the sketch comedy show In Living Color)

Actors/Writers – Shawn Wayans – (Known For: I’m Gonna Git You Sucka; BMT: Scary Movie 2 (Wri); White Chicks (Wri); Dance Flick (Wri); Little Man (Dir) (Not Found); Don’t Be a Menace to South Central While Drinking Your Juice in The Hood; Notes: Brother of director Keenen Ivory Wayans.)

Marlon Wayans – (Known For: Scary Movie; Requiem for a Dream; The Heat; The Ladykillers; Above the Rim; I’m Gonna Git You Sucka; BMT: Scary Movie 2; White Chicks; A Haunted House; G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra; A Haunted House 2; Senseless; Dance Flick; Dungeons & Dragons; Norbit; The Sixth Man; Fifty Shades of Black; Mo’ Money; Marmaduke; Little Man; Don’t Be a Menace to South Central While Drinking Your Juice in The Hood; Notes: Nominated for Worst Supporting Actor, G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra (2009). Originally cast as Robin in Batman Forever.)

(Dual Razzie Notes For Shawn and Marlon: Won for Worst Actor and Screen Couple, Littleman (2006), Nominated for Worst Screenplay, Littleman (2006), Nominated for Worst Actress, Screen Couple and Screenplay: White Chicks (2004). I actually find it rather stunning that of their entire filmography only two movies generated all but one of the Razzie nominations for the Wayne family)

Additional Writers – Michael Anthony Snowden (screenplay) – (BMT: Scary Movie 2; White Chicks; Notes: Nominated for Worst Screenplay, White Chicks (2004). According to IMDB his nickname is FireFly, used to write for South Park)

Andy McElfresh (screenplay) – (BMT: White Chicks; Notes: Nominated for Worst Screenplay, White Chicks (2004). Writes prolifically for late night television. In 2013 he and Kevin Smith co-wrote a Krampus based anthology horror film on Kevin Smith’s podcast, unrelated to the actual Krampus movie from 2015)

Xavier Cook (screenplay) – (BMT: White Chicks; Notes: Nominated for Worst Screenplay, White Chicks (2004), frequent collaborator with the Wayne family)

Budget/Gross: $37 million / $70,831,760 ($113,086,475 Worldwide)

(Smash hit… which is not surprising. Right around the time that Big Momma’s House was also a smash hit. The fifth (!) highest grossing “cross dressing” film of all time. The lowest grossing major release (1000+ theaters)? Connie and Carla (2004)… which I’ve never heard of.)

Rotten Tomatoes: 14% (18/123), Scattershot comedy that’s silly and obvious.

(Wow, RT. That’s all you can give us for a consensus? No clever pun like “Silly gags and poor writing makes this Wayans brothers comedy a drag.” Like I just made that up in five seconds and it’s better than your lame consensus that could apply to a trillion other comedies.)

Poster – Literal Monsters

(Gooo! Again, monsters. This is a great example of the types of posters that I hate, hate, hate. No clear color scheme other than white (and human colored, which is the worst). The font isn’t interesting. The spacing is all off. You know what it reminds me of? The Juwanna Mann poster, which was also the worst. I wonder if it was made by the same guy.)

Tagline(s) – None! (F-)

(No!!! No, no, no, no, no. I do not accept this. BMT will be shutting down until White Chicks gets their fucking act together and provides a tagline. Nope. Unacceptable.)

Notes – The Miltons was originally intended to be a comical remake of Gone With the Wind in modern day Beverly Hills. After many script revisions, the story settled and became White Chicks. (Is “the story settled” some euphemism for something? So we set out to make this like a modern day Godfather, but then the story settled, yada yada yada Deuce Bigelow).

The original title was the “The Miltons” sounding more like the Hiltons, which they spoofed. (hmmm, I think we may have missed the boat a bit on the cultural reference here)

When The Wilson sisters get out of the airplane, the song playing is a spoof of “Miss Hilton”, a song recorded by The Penfifteen Club for The Simple Life, Paris Hilton’s hit reality show. (yeah, I’m going to cut short the Hilton notes at this point. We get it, they’re making fun of the Hiltons)

Less than a year ago the Waynes said they wanted to do White Chicks 2. (sigh)

Razzie Cred

Razzie Awards 2005, Nominated for Worst Picture, Columbia

Razzie Awards 2005, Nominated for Worst Actress, Shawn Wayans, Marlon Wayans, The Wayans Sisters.

Razzie Awards 2005, Nominated for Worst Screen Couple, Shawn Wayans, Marlon Wayans, The Wayans Brothers (In or Out of Drag).

Razzie Awards 2005, Nominated for Worst Director, Keenen Ivory Wayans

Razzie Awards 2005, Nominated for Worst Screenplay, Keenen Ivory Wayans, Shawn Wayans, Marlon Wayans, Andrew McElfresh, Michael Anthony Snowden, Xavier Cook

Steel Preview

This week we move onto the film that made this cycle possible. When we dreamed a little dream about pro athletes in film, Steel was the first film to come to mind. One of two leading roles that Shaq enjoyed (the other is, of course, Kazaam), it was top of our list as a must-do. So here we are in our Sci-Fi category ready to do it. Made in 1997, this might be the most forgotten DC comic adaption of all time (willfully so, probably). So forgotten that it’s not even listed on Netflix. Not even like a “Save DVD for when it comes out” button. It just doesn’t show up if you search for it. Not in their database. I’m ready… you ready? Let’s go!

Steel (1997) – BMeTric: 53.8

Steel_BMeT

(Ugh, way to show off Steel. Yeah, we all know you’re going to be ridiculous, you don’t need to show off with your gaudy BMeTric score. It is pretty impressive though, 50+ is amazing).

Leonard Maltin – 1.5 stars – Film version of DC Comics’ “Steel” with basketball great Shaq in the title role, as a tall superhero with a heart of gold, wearing a funny metal suit and doing battle with stereotypical enemies of modern civilization. As endearing as Shaq can be, he should definitely not give up his day job.

(Interesting that this didn’t get a BOMB rating. Almost sounds like that half-star is given to Shaq and his endearing qualities.)

Trailer – https://youtu.be/-bAWWmLfkWo

(With this and Batman & Robin, 1997 must have been the Year of the Puns. Amazingly it actually looks like they spent a bit of money on the film. Looks like it’ll be at least fun to watch.)

Director(s) – Kenneth Johnson – (BMT: Short Circuit 2; Steel; Notes: He often works the names of friends and family into scripts.)

Writer(s) – Louise Simonson (comic book series) – (BMT: Steel; Notes: Her nickname is “Weezie”. Co-creator of Steel she now writes young adult novels.)

Jon Bogdanove (comic book series) – (BMT: Steel; Notes: Comic book writer. His son’s name is Kal-El. Co-creator of Steel.)

Kenneth Johnson (written by) – (BMT: Short Circuit 2; Steel; Notes: Most famous for the television shows V and Incredible Hulk.)

Actors – Shaquille O’Neal – (Known For: He Got Game; The Year of the Yao; CB4; The LEGO Movie (Not Found); BMT: Kazaam; Blended; Steel; Grown Ups 2; Scary Movie 4; Jack and Jill; Good Burger; When in Rome; Blue Chips; Freddy Got Fingered; The Smurfs 2; The Wash; The Kid & I; Notes: Nominated for Worst Supporting Actor, Blended (2014); Nominated for Worst Actor, Steel (1997); Nominated for Worst New Star, Blue Chips (1994). Someday he hopes to be nominated for writing and directing as well (fine, I made that up))

Budget/Gross: $16 million / $1,710,972

(Woah. That’s an incredible bomb. If you assumed that it wasn’t released in many theaters you’d be wrong. Over 1200. The 78th worst opening ever for a wide release film. Right ahead of Marci X… you know, that film that people remember.)

Rotten Tomatoes: 12% (3/25), Steel is a badly-acted movie that indulges not only in superhero cliches, but also the sappy TV-movie-of-the-week ones.

(Everything points to this being essentially Theodore Rex, but actually released to theaters.)

Poster – Dutch Angle Moon Poster

steelPoster

(Shaq is on this poster twice. It’s like they made a Matryoshka doll of posters. The main poster contains a smaller poster in the middle. Love the color. Love the font. I dig this poster.)

Tagline(s) – Heroes don’t come any bigger. (B-)

Man. Metal. Hero. (D+)

(I usually only grade the tagline that’s on the poster, but in keeping with the nested nature of the double poster, there are inexplicably two separate taglines. It’s almost like the first tagline is Shaq’s tagline and then the second tagline is for the movie. Neither are particularly good, but the second one is straight nonsense. Just words. And pretty boring words at that.)

Notes – Shaquille O’Neal had to do all of his own stunts; the producers were unable to find a 7’1″ stunt double for him. (awwwww hell yes)

Writer/director Kenneth Johnson revealed in a SlashFilm interview that he originally wanted Wesley Snipes to play Steel but Warner Bros. felt that casting Shaquille O’Neal would help sell more toys and merchandise. (In the alternate universe in which this swap occured I wonder if they regretted their decision…)

Ridiculous Six Preview

Alright, so for the week of Christmas Patrick and I wanted to give all our loyal readers a real treat. That’s right! Ridiculous Six! I’m sure all of you were gnashing your teeth waiting to find out whether BMT would in fact watch Ridiculous Six. On one hand it is a terribly reviewed film starring Adam Sandler. What more could we ask for? On the other it did not release to theaters as it was part of Sandler’s new deal with Netflix. Usually this is a near-automatic disqualification. In the end our BMeTric told us that this was not a film to miss so we decided to watch it. Without further ado: Ridiculous Six. Let’s go!

The Ridiculous 6 (2015) – BMeTric: 37.2 (at the time), 54.7 (February 18, 2016)

Ridiculous6_BMeT

(This was rather high considering it has been out on Netflix for only 20 days or so, and now it has entered rarefied air, a 50+ BMeTric. It should probably stay around here, without a DVD release it does seem to be plateauing. Note: plot generated February 18, 2016).

RogerEbert.com – 0.5 stars – Little did I know how bad it would be. The combined –isms of a script in which a Native American character is named “Beaver Breath” are overwhelmingly unfunny enough, but it’s really only one aspect of the monumental failure on display in a film that is almost bafflingly bad.

(Bafflingly bad is all we can hope for. Like Ghosts of Mars, Silent Hill 2, or Color of Night. Simple bafflement on what we are seeing on the screen.)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qUp7Qgimn38

(That is incomprehensible. Methinks they give no indication of a plot in the trailer because the movie in fact does not have one.)

Director(s) – Frank Coraci – (Known For: The Wedding Singer; BMT: Click (seen it); The Waterboy (seen it); Blended (seen it); Here Comes the Boom; Around the World in 80 Days (seen it); Zookeeper (seen it); The Ridiculous 6; Notes: Ha, the second film of his we’ve done in the last few weeks with Around the World in 80 Days. Can complete his BMT filmography with Here Come the Boom.)

Writer(s) – Tim Herlihy – (Known For: Big Daddy; Happy Gilmore; The Wedding Singer; Billy Madison; BMT: Just Go with It (seen it); The Waterboy (seen it); Mr. Deeds (seen it); Grown Ups 2 (seen it); Little Nicky (seen it); Bedtime Stories; Pixels (Seen it); The Ridiculous 6; Notes: Can complete his BMT filmography with Bedtime Stories. He was the college roommate of Adam Sandler and had a perfect LSAT score according to IMDB. Nominated for Worst Screenplay: Grown Ups 2 (2013), Little Nicky (2000), Big Daddy (1999))

Adam Sandler – (Known For: Big Daddy; Happy Gilmore; Billy Madison; Hotel Transylvania 2; BMT: Grown Ups( seen it); Just Go with It (seen it); The Waterboy (seen it); Grown Ups 2 (seen it); Little Nicky (seen it); Pixels (seen it); Jack and Jill (seen it); Bucky Larson: Born to Be a Star (seen it); The Ridiculous 6; You Don’t Mess With the Zohan (seen it); Adam Sandler’s Eight Crazy Nights (seen it); Notes: Nominated for Worst Actor, Blended (2014), Grown Ups 2 (2013), I Now Pronounce You Chuck & Larry (2007), Eight Crazy Nights (2002), Mr. Deeds (2002), Little Nicky (2000), The Waterboy (1998), Bulletproof (1996), Happy Gilmore (1996); Won for Worst Actor, That’s My Boy (2012), Jack and Jill (2011), Just Go with It (2011), Big Daddy (1999); Nominated for Worst Screenplay, Grown Ups 2 (2013), Bucky Larson: Born to Be a Star (2011), Little Nicky (2000), Big Daddy (1999); Won for Worst Screenplay, Jack and Jill (2011).)

Actors – Adam Sandler – (Known For: Big Daddy; Happy Gilmore; Billy Madison; Hotel Transylvania 2; BMT: Grown Ups (seen it); Just Go with It (seen it); The Waterboy (seen it); Grown Ups 2 (seen it); Little Nicky (seen it); Pixels (seen it); Jack and Jill (seen it); Bucky Larson: Born to Be a Star (seen it); The Ridiculous 6; You Don’t Mess With the Zohan (seen it); Adam Sandler’s Eight Crazy Nights (seen it); Notes: IMDB notes that his characters often have a penchant for “brand name foods” like Snack Pack. This sounds suspiciously like product placement.)

Budget/Gross: N/A / N/A (N/A Worldwide)

(Yup, released directly as a Netflix original. This caused massive confusion in the Razzie circles (fine, it was like three people) because you need to have a release to qualify for the awards, similar to the rule with the Oscars. Indeed, Ridiculous Six was not nominated for a single award.)

Rotten Tomatoes: 0% (0/25), Every bit as lazily offensive as its cast and concept would suggest, The Ridiculous Six is standard couch fare for Adam Sandler fanatics and must-avoid viewing for film enthusiasts of every other persuasion.

(Rough. But also confusing. The fact that this only garnered 25 reviews is weird to me. It is so easy to access you would think blogs and newspapers would be falling all over themselves to write some snarky review about the first terrible Netflix original. If I was a one to suggest conspiracy I would say this smacks to strong-arming by those who dislike the VOD model.)

Poster – Seven Samurai-esque

(I kind of weirdly like this. The structure is kind of unique (most Seven Samurai based movies go for the horizontal arrangement), I like the color scheme, and it tells you the most important part of this film: we’ve got a fuck ton of people in this. The only issue I have is the weird “age” artifacts (wrinkles at the top, the font, etc.) seem kind of haphazardly added after the fact.)

Tagline(s) – None

(Blasphemy. Let’s make up a few. Here’s the useless one “They’re Ridiculous”. Here’s one that sounds good but is meaningless “Conspicuously Ridiculous”. And here’s one that is too long, “They’re father has just been captured. Time to band together for a good old fashioned rescue!”. And here’s my attempt, “Six outlaws. One father. Too Ridiculous”)

Notes – In April 2015, it was reported that about a dozen Native American actors and actresses walked off the set over objections to their portrayal in the movie. More specifically, they were allegedly offended by inaccuracies in costumes and character names (such as Beaver’s Breath and No Bra). Netflix responded by saying that the film is a broad satire of Western movies and their stereotypes, and that “[it] has ‘ridiculous’ in the title for a reason”. In the end, the stories turned out to be exaggerated as only four actors out of a group of 150 extras had left the set. (Classic)

The movie was initially to be produced by Sony Pictures, and then Paramount Pictures, but both studios passed on the project. Warner Bros was in an advanced state of negotiations, but after Adam Sandler signed a four-picture deal with Netflix, they also dropped the project. Some of the alleged reasons included Sandler’s recent streak of box office bombs (including That’s My Boy (2012), Blended (2014) and Men, Women & Children (2014)), the box office failure of the similarly Western-themed comedy A Million Ways to Die in the West (2014), as well as fear that Sandler’s Netflix contract would put the movie on hold for too long. Finally, Netflix stepped in and picked up the movie as part of Sandler’s contract. (Huh, didn’t know there was a whole story to this guy. I was just thinking about how weird it was to make this when A Million Ways to Die in the West bombed so badly).

Keywords – american indian stereotype; racial joke; racial stereotype; native american stereotype;

(I’m sorry, I just was cracking up with these IMDB keywords)

Fantastic Four Preview

OK, this week we have finally arrived. Fantastic Four was finally “officially” released. I put that in quotations because the DVD is still not out to get from Netflix, so Patrick and I have to rent this PPV on Amazon or Vudu to get it (*gasp*). I don’t like it, but I’ll do it for BMT. This is probably the most hotly anticipated film of the Razzies season, garnering abysmal reviews in a very prominent franchise (popularity + bad reviews = BMeTric gold). I like the actors though and always wondered if it got a bit of a raw deal. Guess we’ll find out. Let’s go!

Fantastic Four (2015) – BMeTric: 82.2 (At the time) 83.4 (February 19, 2016)

FantasticFour_BMeT

(Not surprising. You can see that sweet sweet steady-state in the trajectory. Along with Fifty Shades (a rare film which scores a 90+ on the BMeTric) this film is the only other film to score over 70 so far this year. I have a feeling the Razzies are going to be a bit top heavy. Note: Plot generated on February 19, 2016)

RogerEbert.com – 1.5 stars – Maybe “Fantastic Four” is a cursed property, or maybe just one that shouldn’t be turned into a film? … The good news is, it’s short. The bad news is, it feels longer than an afternoon spent at the DMV—and at least at the DMV, you can pass the time by people-watching.

(Blessedly short. Apparently the director had a version that was 50 minutes longer, but the producers were all like “lol, nope”. It is pretty sad that they just can’t quite figure out how to do these characters properly.)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wuV4BCYv-YY

(I never really understood all the flack the trailer got. People just seemed to really want this movie to fail … and they weren’t wrong. Still don’t really see why people hated the trailer so much. Seems fun. Even if every review I’ve read says it is painfully boring.)

Director(s) – Josh Trank – (Known For: Chronicle; Big Fan. BMT: Fantastic Four. Notes: Broke out with Chronicle. This is supposed to be his big shot)

Writer(s) – Jeremy Slater (screenplay) – (BMT: Fantastic Four; The Lazarus Effect. Notes: Publically thankful for the shot at making the film, although only one act resembles his original script)

Simon Kinberg (screenplay) – (Known For: X-Men: Days of Future Past; Sherlock Holmes; X-Men: The Last Stand; Mr. & Mrs. Smith; BMT: Jumper (seen); This Means War (seen); Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter; Fantastic Four; xXx: State of the Union (seen); Ouija; Notes: A well known script doctor. Other uncredited superhero films he’s worked on was Catwoman and Elektra, legendary BMT films.)

Josh Trank (screenplay) – (Known For: Chronicle; Big Fan; BMT: Fantastic Four)

Actors – Michael B. Jordan – (Known For: Chronicle; Fruitvale Station; Creed; Red Tails; BMT: Fantastic Four; That Awkward Moment; Hotel Noir; Hardball (seen); Notes: Well known for his roles in Friday Night Lights and the Wire before breaking big in Chronicle)

Miles Teller – (Known For: Whiplash; The Spectacular Now; Divergent; Rabbit Hole; Footloose; BMT: Two Night Stand; Fantastic Four; That Awkward Moment; Insurgent; Project X; 21 And Over; Notes: Plays Shailene Woodley’s nemesis in Divergent, and love interest in Spectacular Now)

Budget/Gross: $120 million / $56,117,548 ($167,977,596 Worldwide)

(Bomb diggity. Straight up disaster. One could argue that the intention of the film was simply to protect the rights of the franchise (makes some sense considering you’d usually go much bigger with the budget for a film like this), but given the complete public meltdown Trank and Teller had concerning the film I’m going to go ahead and throw this one in the loss column.)

Rotten Tomatoes: 9% (19/198), Dull and downbeat, this Fantastic Four proves a woefully misguided attempt to translate a classic comic series without the humor, joy, or colorful thrills that made it great.

(“Classic comic series” and then woefully mismanaged series of films. I’ve never seen the first two pre-reboot films, but they look absolutely terrible. Color for sure seems lost on this one. I feel like humor and joy are also usually positives when describing a film …)

Poster – As Boring As This Movie (C)

(Not bad not good. Those are indeed the four characters. In an incredibly bland and dark poster. They aren’t wrong. Marvel’s most popular properties have kind of eye popping color traditionally. It is DC which goes dark and brooding. This kind of plays into the dark and brooding style.)

Tagline(s) – Change is coming. (D)

Beyond darkness… beyond fear… lies the fantastic. (B-)

When you change the world, prepare to defend it. (D)

(I like the middle one. A nice rhythm to it. Doesn’t really tell me much except that it is a fantastic four film … but whatever. The more I read it I don’t like it … I should stop. I think the other two are crap though. Change is coming? Blah)

Notes – In a quickly deleted tweet from 6th August, 2015, Josh Trank said “A year ago I had a fantastic version of this. And it would’ve received great reviews. You’ll probably never see it. That’s reality though.” After seeing this version, the studio mandated heavy re-shoots. The newer scenes are easy to spot as Kate Mara had cut her hair and wore a blonde wig. Miles Teller also had facial hair that would appear and disappear between shots. (…. wow)

After the disappointing reviews, Josh Trank went on to tweet that “He’ll never be working on a comic book movie again”.

Marvel wasn’t fond of the direction the film was going, and made mention of it in a Marvel Comic: “The Punisher” #12 has the Fantastic Four (in the likeness of the cast members of this film) get taken down in an explosion.

Josh Trank envisioned his film as being between 2 hours and 20 minutes long; the studio cut that down significantly to 1 hour and 30 minutes. (And everyone rejoiced)

The characters in this film would have reverted back to Marvel, if the film was delayed past 2015. (Fox only having a 7 year window to produce a new Fantastic Four film, with a release of 1 year after that time expires.) (And there it is. I’m going to leave the notes there. There is literally 4 pages of notes for this movie. It’s pretty incredible)

The Gallows Preview

It was a bit of a tricky week for deciding which movie we were going to watch. The only genres we have left (besides the more random Razzie, Scattegories, and Chain Reaction) are Action and Horror/Thriller. Since we are looking forward to the release of Fantastic Four for the action section of this cycle, we were left with Horror/Thriller. Which is hardly thrilling in this case since those films are rarely taken seriously in the Razzie competition. In a lot of ways we will be merely treading water since we can’t hope to guess which film in the genre will be nominated. So we felt like we should just make sure to do the one that seemed like the shittiest. With that in mind, this week we are watching The Gallows. I found the trailer for this film so horrifying(ly bad) that I nearly insisted that we see this film in theaters for BMT. Didn’t work though, cause Patrick lives in a second world country across the pond that only had it in theaters for a week (To think! A modern country in this day and age only getting The Gallows for 7 days! How do they expect you to live over there, Patrick?). We would have had to be really on the ball. So instead we see it now! Let’s go!

The Gallows (2015) – BMeTric: 49.5 (At the Time), 53.6 (February 24, 2016)

TheGallows_BMeT

(This metric is really high! Love it. Something to keep in mind with the new BMeTric is that lots of these terrible found footage films get some really solid numbers and yet won’t get Razzie nominations. More an aspect of the Razzies than the quality of the metric. It basically has to do with horror having a great cult audience following. So the bad ones still get watched and rated a ton. It makes almost no sense to me. Editor’s Note: Plot generated on February 24, 2016)

RogerEbert.com – 1 star – … so incredibly dumb that it is almost, but never quite, scary to behold.

(Nice concise blurb I could grab from the review. Essentially what the review says it that genre has been dominated this year by some terrible wide release horror films (Poltergeist remake, Lazarus Effect, etc.) which still look like masterpieces in comparison to The Gallows. I’m all for incredibly dumb, though. Getting me excited.)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F_8OKImO2pc

(Absurd. Just absurd. I don’t really know how to reconcile the whole serial killer aspect with the supernatural bullshit that happens in the film (the lockers being the prime example). Everything just looks cheap and goes for cheap scares. I hate it already.)

Director(s) – Travis Cluff and Chris Lofing – (BMT: The Gallows. Notes: Travis Cluff is boring so both notes about Lofing. He actually has a very rare genetic disorder which results in him having abnormal skeletal structure. If you see pictures of him he looks very short and that’s because of this disorder.)

Writer(s) – Travis Cluff and Chris Lofing (written by) – (BMT: The Gallows. Notes: It says on Lofing’s imdb that he set four American powerlifting records. I thought it was some joke that maybe he put on there. Nope. He actually did. Interesting.)

Actors – Cassidy Gifford – (BMT: The Gallows; God’s Not Dead. Notes: Daughter of Kathie Lee Gifford and Frank Gifford.)

Also stars Pfeifer Brown and Ryan Shoos

Budget/Gross: $100,000 / $22,764,410 ($38,164,410 Worldwide)

(I have to take a knee right here. Jesus… Blumhouse just cleans up on these things. Basically they have figured a way to game the system. Buy or finance a bunch of microbudget horror films. Some will hit big and make up for the minuscule losses they see with their failures. Further a couple sequels can be made with the successes to magnify their gains. They also did something interesting this year with Jem and the Holograms where they seemed to try to leverage its minor cult interest against the low amount needed to purchase the rights to the film adaption. Didn’t work great that time.)

Rotten Tomatoes: 15% (14/90), Narratively contrived and visually a mess, The Gallows sends viewers on a shaky tumble to the bottom of the found-footage horror barrel.

(The… the… bottom? *gasp* I had presumed we had reached the bottom during one of the last several terrible found footage films we’ve endured. If this is worse than any of those we are in for a bumpy ride.)

Poster – Bomb Red (A)

gallows

(I love this poster. The red coloring perfused through everything. The text format. It’s like a work of art. Almost makes me want to put in on the map for Nebraska. Would look so nice.)

Tagline(s) – Every School Has Its Spirit (D)

(I feel like this is trying to trick me into liking it. As I’ve said on occasion: this looks like a tagline, sounds like a tagline, but I assure you, it is not a tagline. It is a strange twist on the phrase “school spirit” that just is wrong in every way. It hurts my brain. I hate it.)

Notes – The co-writer/director Travis Cluff was a contestant in season 2 of Wipeout (“Super Shorts”) and won. (hahaha, where was this on his imdb trivia page? Only on the trivia for the film.)

Certain exteriors were accomplished in Lofing’s hometown of Beatrice, Nebraska, the setting for the film. However, “The Gallows” was shot primarily in and around Fresno, California. (You know we love settings)

Hot Pursuit Preview

Moving on to this week’s film, we had to grab a Girls Night Out where we could. Honestly, like Horror films, it can be a bit of a crapshoot whether your favorite Rom-Com or Rom-Dram makes it into the field. My favorite from last year? Endless Love obviously. And yet that was just a delicious long list treat for me and Patrick. Didn’t make it as a nominee for anything. The only true Girls Night Out film that got a nomination was The Other Woman, which was part of a combo nomination for Cameron Diaz. And besides, I saw that shit in theaters outside of BMT (I am unashamed. I will literally watch anything in the theaters. Good film? Great. Bad film? Even better). So what is a girl to do? Obviously we had to stretch it a bit and take a straight comedy and label it a Girls Night Out film just because it starred two ladies. That’s right. This week is Hot Pursuit! I remember this film coming out and feeling kind of sad. Here was a film starring two high profile actresses as the leading roles and yet it was releasing in a not high profile release window to terrible, terrible reviews. One would have hoped they could have done a bit better with it. I guess we’ll see. Let’s go!

Hot Pursuit (2015) – 52.9 BMeTric (March 13, 2016)

HotPursuit_BMeT

(Produced March 13, 2016. Sweet graph, look at that DVD release bump. Also incredible that this is a 50+ BMeTric film. I am looking forward to getting enough pre/post-DVD plateaus so I can start to try and figure out found final BMeTrics based on the initial plateau.)

Leonard Maltin – 2 stars – As a movie, “Hot Pursuit” can barely be said to exist. It is slackly constructed, unattractively shot, indifferently edited; its action scenes are very poorly staged; its storyline—a kind of hybrid of “The Gauntlet” and “Thelma and Louise” with scraps from several very lesser movies thrown in (“Due Date,” anyone?) is so rote that it even seems bored with itself. But as a delivery system for a newly minted and reasonably engaging if not always laugh-out-loud comedy team—Reese Witherspoon and Sophie Vergara—“Hot Pursuit” works, arguably, as well as it has to for much of its brisk hour-and-a-half.

(“Barely said to exist”?! Yes please. This review is funny. Long story short: everything is shit, but hey, why not? Really the only positive in the end is that it’s short and does what it set out to do. It’s like every review for Jurassic World. “It had dinosaurs didn’t it? What am I to complain about? Good enough.”)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fUeOBdxSjc8

(This really, really, really feels like one of those trailers where every single joke was included because they didn’t have enough good parts in the film. We’ll find out.)

Director(s) – Anne Fletcher – (Known For: The Proposal; 27 Dresses. BMT: Step Up; The Guilt Trip; Hot Pursuit. Notes: Choreographer on a shitload of BMT favs such as Monkeybone, Dudley Do-Right, The Master of Disguise, and none other than Catwoman.)

Writer(s) – David Feeney (written by) – (BMT: Hot Pursuit; Notes: Been almost exclusively a TV writer and producer. Most notably on New Girl.)

John Quaintance (written by) – (Known For: Aquamarine; BMT: Hot Pursuit; Material Girls; Notes: Also a TV guy. It would seem that he and Feeney met writing for the TV show Ben and Kate.)

Actors – Reese Witherspoon – (Known For: Legally Blonde; Monsters vs. Aliens; Water for Elephants; Walk the Line; Just Like Heaven; Wild; Pleasantville; Cruel Intentions; American Psycho; Election; Mud; Rendition; Freeway; Vanity Fair; The Good Lie; The Man in the Moon; Inherent Vice. BMT: This Means War; Sweet Home Alabama; How Do You Know; Hot Pursuit; Four Christmases; Fear; Devil’s Knot; Legally Blonde 2 – Red White & Blonde. Notes: Won an Oscar for Walk the Line and nominated for Wild.)

Sofía Vergara – (Known For: Chef; Four Brothers; Happy Feet Two; Fading Gigolo; The Three Stooges; Big Trouble; Lords of Dogtown; BMT: The Smurfs; Wild Card; Hot Pursuit; Machete Kills; New Year’s Eve; Madea Goes to Jail; Soul Plane; The Smurfs 2; Escape From Planet Earth. Notes: Currently engaged to Joe Manganiello, who we know from his BMT work in Sabotage.)

Budget/Gross: $35 million / $34,580,201 ($51,380,201 Worldwide)

(Not nearly as bad as I would have thought. I thought this was an absolute disaster, but it was really pushed in the theaters (3000+) and had a relatively modest budget for the release size (although still more than I would have expected). Nevertheless it landed as the 119th worst ever opening for a supersaturated release, coming in just ahead of BMT fav Red Riding Hood.)

Rotten Tomatoes: 7% (11/146), Critics Consensus: Shrill and unfunny, Hot Pursuit bungles what should have been an easy opportunity to showcase Reese Witherspoon and Sofia Vergara’s likable odd-couple chemistry.

(Wait… how do we know that Reese Witherspoon and Sofia Vergara have likable odd-couple chemistry? The consensus makes it seem like it’s a foregone conclusion that they would have chemistry and that the only reason they don’t in this case is because it was bungled. Doesn’t really seem like a slam dunk to me. Seems more like it might end up being shrill and unfunny.)

Poster – Hot Dutch Angle (C-)

hot_pursuit_ver2

(No, no, and no. Don’t like when people are too prominent on posters (they don’t have consistent coloring), don’t like that a Dutch angle is used on the poster, and the symmetry is way off. Only thing I like is the font in the title and tagline. I like when they have their own font. Would make it hard for Patrick to produce a spoof poster called Sklog Pursuit… do it, Patrick… do it.)

Tagline(s) – Armed and sort of dangerous. (A)

(Hahaha, maybe I’m dumb or am in a good mood, but that tagline is actually making me chuckle. It’s cute in its simplicity. And nicely informative of the derogatory way that Witherspoon’s character is thought of in the film. I like it a lot.)

Notes – The film takes place in Texas but was filmed in New Orleans, Louisiana.

The film’s original title was Don’t Mess with Texas. (would have been wonderful for mapl.de.map. Great when the title even tells you the state.)

Jupiter Ascending Preview

OK, we finally get to move on! For the last couple years Patrick and I have voted in the terrible, terrible Razzie Awards. They are the worst, but we can only do what we can. So each year we vote, and each year we’re disappointed in the films that ultimately win. In order to successfully vote without major disruption to our BMT schedule we need to start collecting some 2015 films stat. Since a lot of the major BMT releases are coming to video in the next few weeks, we can’t really keep a strict rotation. So instead we will hit all our categories, but in an order that makes sense with whatever is available. So to start it off we are going with SciFi and the most obvious BMT release of the year. This is, of course, the much anticipated Wachowski epic Jupiter Ascending. It was widely considered the most likely bomb of the year and obliged nicely. Without further ado, let’s go!

Jupiter Ascending (2015) – 51.7 BMeTric (March 19, 2016)

JupiterAscending_BMeT

(Generated on March 19, 2016. 50+ BMeTric bro. Look at that sweet DVD/VOD bump three months after release. Borderline though, just 0.1 rating away from sub-50, so it could easily change in the future.)

RogerEbert.com – 2 stars – In a cynical age, poker-faced sincerity is tough to pull off. When it’s coupled with innovative filmmaking techniques and visual bombast, the degree of difficulty goes up and up, to the point where you’re inclined to give films points for attempting the near-impossible.

(oh shit, “poker-faced sincerity”. That’s not a good thing… although perhaps a bit better than lackluster attempts at humor. Looking at you Hitman: Agent 47.)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZoCyL_Pqzu8

(Certainly a fun trailer. Just smacks a little bit of a film heavy on visuals and low on plot… like what do you actually get from the trailer? There are aliens… that’s about it.)

Director(s) – Lana Wachowski and Andy Wachowski – (Known For: The Matrix; The Matrix Reloaded; Cloud Atlas; Bound. BMT: The Matrix Revolutions; Jupiter Ascending; Speed Racer. Notes: Nominated for Worst Director, The Matrix Reloaded/The Matrix Revolutions (2003). Obviously famous for the Matrix and have had reasonable success sense. They are at least bold with their choices.)

Writer(s) – Lana Wachowski and Andy Wachowski – (Known For: The Matrix; V for Vendetta; The Matrix Reloaded; Cloud Atlas; Bound. BMT: The Matrix Revolutions; Jupiter Ascending; Assassins; Speed Racer. Notes: Niece and Nephew of Laurence Luckinbill who we know as Mr. Mooney from the BMT film Cocktail.)

Actors – Mila Kunis – (Known For: Ted; Black Swan; The Book of Eli; Forgetting Sarah Marshall; Extract; Date Night; Blood Ties; Get Over It; Friends With Benefits. BMT: Jupiter Ascending; Max Payne; Third Person; American Psycho II: All American Girl; The Angriest Man in Brooklyn; Moving McAllister; Annie; Krippendorf’s Tribe. Notes: Comes from a line of scientists. Her mom is a Physicist, dad is a Mechanical Engineering, and brother a Biochemist. So she’s pretty much a black sheep.)

Channing Tatum – (Known For: 21 Jump Street; White House Down; 22 Jump Street; Magic Mike; She’s the Man; Foxcatcher; Public Enemies; The Book of Life; Side Effects; Haywire; Magic Mike XXL; This Is the End; 10 Years; Coach Carter; Don Jon; A Guide to Recognizing Your Saints; Stop-Loss. BMT: Dear John; Step Up; G.I. Joe: Retaliation; The Vow; Jupiter Ascending; The Eagle; G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra; Fighting; The Dilemma; The Son of No One; Supercross; Step Up 2 the Streets. Notes: Wow, how have we not watched more with him. We kinda have to watch Supercross immediately.)

Also stars the wonderful Sean Bean of the Silent Hill franchise.

Budget/Gross: $176 million / $47,387,723 ($183,887,723 Worldwide)

(When all said and done it was a major disappointment. Kinda predictable though as it was supposed to be released as a summer blockbuster, but was moved to February. The 52nd largest grossing SciFi-Adventure of all time. The worst? Obviously, The Adventures of Pluto Nash. Nothing is touching that shit. Even Spacehunter: Adventures in the Forbidden Zone.)

Rotten Tomatoes: 25% (53/207), Critics Consensus: Pleasing to the eye but narratively befuddled, Jupiter Ascending delivers another visually thrilling misfire from the Wachowskis.

(Narratively befuddled indeed. If there was something I could have told you without even watching the film it’s that nothing will make sense and aliens will just be flying everywhere for no reason.)

Poster – Just a Bit Busy (C-)

jupiter_ascending_ver3
(Ooooo, I do not like that. Too much going on. The font kind of blends into the background and the people seem out of place. Not the worst, but not very good.)

Tagline(s) – Expand your universe. (D)

(Cool story, bro. Not sure why this is supposed to make me excited for the film. It’s concise, but that’s the most positive thing I can say about it.)

Notes – Channing Tatum had to wear a mouthpiece to change the shape of his lower jaw to realistically portray a part-canine character. This unfortunately prevented him from closing his mouth and gave him trouble when he had to talk. (oh God, hope it was worth it)

Natalie Portman was originally cast as Jupiter Jones, but dropped out. Rooney Mara was considered to replace her, before Mila Kunis was finally cast. The film was originally slated for release for July 18, 2014, but the studio delayed the film’s release and pushed it back six and a half months to give the production more time in the post-production process.

According to the directors, the script was over 600 pages long. (hahahahahahaha)

Survival of the Dead Preview

Alright, moving right along to this week, we are returning to mapl.de.map and our quest for fire (and by fire I mean a completely filled up map). This week is kind of a historic selection. That’s because we are doing one of the hardest states on the entire map. A state that I didn’t even think had a qualified movie for the map when we first started this endeavor. A state that I used to make jokes about in every email and which may or may not be imaginary. That’s right! We are onto Delaware! For those that aren’t in the know about this kind of stuff, me and Patrick were able to find a little film called Survival of the Dead set in Delaware. Hooray! On a worse note it turned out that this film was the sixth (!) in the George A. Romero Dead series. It went from Night of the Living Dead, to Dawn of the Dead, to Day of the Dead, to Land of the Dead, to Diary of the Dead, and finally to Survival of the Dead. So me and Patrick had a bit of homework to do. Boo! Fortunately, the exercise will give us a nice perspective on the movie by the end of it. Let’s go!

Survival of the Dead (2010) – BMeTric: 50.2 (November 13, 2016)

survivalofthedead_bmet

survivalofthedead_rv

(Do you know what that is? That is the profile of a movie that almost no one saw in theaters. It is all DVD release, so there aren’t two regimes. Impressive. Also incredibly high BMeTric, very very impressive. That is also one of the largest drops in rating I’ve ever seen. 7.2 to 5.0 doesn’t really make sense. So I guess one die hards initially rated it 10 and it was kind of washed out over time. Commentary generated on November 13, 2016)

Leonard Maltin – 2 stars – Another Romero visit to an America overrun with cannibalistic walking corpses. This time a small paramilitary group hopes to evade the chaos by going to an island off the Delaware Coast, but conflict between two very Irish patriarchs that control the place over how to treat the numerous reanimated corpses means only more chaos. Less nihilistic than others in the series, with strong characterizations and good cinematography, but it’s really just more of the same. Won’t someone give Romero money to do another kind of movie?

(Love the little shout out to Delaware right there. Not sure what he means by “very Irish patriarch”… why “very”? Also, a little presumptuous that Romero is only making these films cause it’s the only kind he can get money for. He probably likes making them. He’s made six of them after all. Perhaps even if you gave him all the money in the world he would still make a zombie movie. Why not?)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CNg3CEkQtnk

(Oh dear, did we make a mistake? This looks like I made the trailer for the film. Yet it was actually released in a handful of theaters and reviewed by 84 critics on RT. Weird shit. Looks rough.)

Director(s) – George A. Romero – (Known For: Dawn of the Dead; The Crazies; Night of the Living Dead; Land of the Dead; Day of the Dead; Diary of the Dead; Creepshow; Monkey Shines: An Experiment In Fear. BMT: Survival of the Dead. Notes: Wow, this is his only film he directed that got bad reviews. That’s pretty amazing.)

Writer(s) – George A. Romero (written by) – (Known For: Dawn of the Dead; The Crazies; Night of the Living Dead; Land of the Dead; Day of the Dead; Diary of the Dead; Creepshow; Monkey Shines: An Experiment In Fear. BMT: Survival of the Dead; Creepshow 2; Tales from the Darkside: The Movie; Notes: He went to Carnegie Mellon and worked on Mr. Roger’s Neighborhood for a time, so unsurprisingly many of his films take place in and around Pittsburgh.)

Actors – Alan Van Sprang – (Known For: Land of the Dead; Narc; Diary of the Dead; Steal This Movie; BMT: Survival of the Dead; Immortals; Saw III; Masterminds. Notes: Starring now in the ABC Family show Shadowhunters. The same network that brought us the hit television program The Vineyard? Sign me up!)

Also stars Kenneth Welsh and Kathleen Munroe

Budget/Gross: $4 million / $101,740 ($143,191 Worldwide)

(For some reason I thought this got a wider release than I’m seeing here. Only 20 theaters. Still not the lowest we’ve done. Both Theodore Rex and Devil’s Knot (also on the map!) did not get a theatrical release. Regardless, what are we to do? This is the only bad movie set in Delaware. We can only cross our fingers and hope for a future release to take its place.)

Rotten Tomatoes: 29% (25/84), Critics Consensus: Survival of the Dead offers glimmers of Romero’s savage wit, but not nearly enough to make up for his unusually uninspired directing and a lack of new ideas

(Anyway, look at the number of reviewers. Even has a consensus. We’ll see if this is unusually uninspired after *gulp* watching the whole series this week. Perhaps we’ll conclude that it’s usually uninspired.)

Poster – Survival of the Sklog (B-)

survival_of_the_dead_xlg

(Not a poorly made poster, just a boring one. And a bit dark. But the colors are nicely consistent, the poster is symmetrical, and I like the text spacing. Hits a lot of a good marks.)

Tagline(s) – Survival isn’t just for the living. (C)

(Well this is certainly confusing. I’m not sure what this even means in the context of a zombie movie. Are we going to we seeing a movie from the perspective of the zombies? Are they the characters? That would be cool. If that’s not the case then this tagline definitely isn’t cool.)

Keyword(s) – island; Top Ten by BMeTric: 83.3 The Wicker Man (2006); 79.3 House of the Dead (2003); 78.7 Jaws: The Revenge (1987); 76.5 The Fog (2005); 72.2 I Still Know What You Did Last Summer (1998); 69.0 Shark Night 3D (2011); 67.5 The Island of Dr. Moreau (1996); 66.6 Scooby-Doo (2002); 65.8 Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked (2011); 64.0 DOA: Dead or Alive (2006);

(Wow, that is a great list, and we’ve seen almost none of them officially for BMT! Pretty nice. And island is always a convenient excuse to trap people who should know better in a place they want to get the fuck away from stat. See: Jurassic Park. Good stuff.)

Notes – This film marks the first time that a character from a previous Living Dead film returns to star in a sequel, with Alan Van Sprang as Sarge “Nicotine” Crockett having been seen in Diary of the Dead (2007).