The Animal has a long and storied history in me and Patrick’s bad movie journey. Sure we watched the film when it came out. How couldn’t we? It starred America’s sweetheart Rob Schneider and Survivor-contestant-turned-actress-turned-not-an-actress Colleen Haskell. Survivor was HUGE. I can’t recall if we saw it in theaters (probably not), but we certainly rented it. Then years later when we first went our separate ways post-college we decided to start what is essentially the Chain Reaction category between each other. From our distant locales we would give each other a movie to watch using an actor or actress from the movie we had just watched. At one point I punted Pearl Harbor over to Patrick and I remember him saying “Don’t do this. Let’s not make each other watch movies we don’t want to watch.” But I disagreed and Pearl Harbor was his. As punishment Patrick gave me The Animal (probably through Guy Torry) and the venture quickly fizzled out. So this is at least my third time watching the film. Cool cool cool.
To recap, Rob Schneider is the opposite of an animal. He is a weakling with asthma who has his heart set on joining the police but can’t get past the obstacle course portion of the entrance exam. After his latest failure he is humiliated by being forced to mind the police station while all the real police officers go off to play softball. While they are away a call comes in and Schneider can’t help but respond. On his way, though, he crashes his car off a cliff and is horrifically mangled. We see him taken by some Dr. Frankenstein style doctor who puts him back together. He has no memory of the event, but finds that he was missing for weeks and now has the speed, strength, smell, swimming etc. of animals. He is quickly put onto the police force when he sniffs out some heroin at the airport, and then further excels when he saves the Mayor’s son from drowning. He even gets a date with his local celebrity crush, Rianna. This is all despite the fact that his behavior gets increasingly bizarre and there are multiple attacks reported around town that seem to be a result of his tendency to enter an animalistic like fugue state. The doctor that fixed him eventually explains what has happened and tries to help him curb his appetites, but it doesn’t work and he is forced to escape into the woods. A mob assembles to track him down, but before they do he finds that in fact Rianna is also an “Animal” and is behind the attacks. The mob arrives and is dead set on killing him until his black friend, Miles, takes the blame. The mob then feels uncomfortable with the whole idea and calls it off. Rob and Rianna smooch and have a litter of babies. THE END.
There is something about a real dumbo comedy that you can’t get anywhere else. It has one purpose: it is trying to make you laugh. Every second of this film is trying to make you laugh. There is almost no sentimentality, because why would there be? There is something admirable about that. I wouldn’t say I laughed a whole lot at the hundred jokes they threw at me, but there were a hundred of them and so of course I laughed. I liked that. I does feel like we lost something by not having the option to watch The Animal in theaters laughing along with a bunch of similarly-minded idiots. This is definitely a streaming movie now and no one would ever think about it ever again. But The Animal persists. Cons: stupid, acting is terrible, plot twist at the end doesn’t make any sense. Pros: laughing feels good.
Hot Take Clam Bake! I mean… Rob Schneider was dead the whole time? That seems almost too obvious. He crashed his car off a cliff and then had a boulder roll on top of him. He is dead and in his final moments imagines how it would be that he would not only survive but become everything he hoped and dreamed he could be. He’s a super cop! He gets the girl he saw on TV! He doesn’t get murdered by a mob! By the time he’s imagining his TV crush is also an Animal and is having a litter of offspring with him you know his brain is entirely on the fritz and death is mere moments away. Hot Take Temperature: Survivor Season 1 Level Hot.
Patrick?
Patrick
‘Ello everyone! What are we talking about? Are we talking about Rob Schneider with a boatload of animals all up in him? Let’s go!
Ah, one of those movies I’ve seen too many times for the weirdest reasons possible. Surely it was just on all the time on television. Well … maybe, but that isn’t why I watched it. I watched it once in theaters, once in a summer chain reaction challenge thing Jamie and I did, and then once on a lark. This is the fourth time I’ve seen The Animal for no real discernable reason.
If I were to pick a single Rob Schneider film as an example of his comedy I think this would be it. His character is a mostly sweet but hapless weirdo, and a strange thing happens to him that makes him the hero in the end. It isn’t funny, but it also manages to not be too terribly offensive which is a rarity for Happy Madison productions of the era.
Colleen Haskell isn’t a good actor, but she’s better than I would expect I think.
It isn’t surprising that she left the experience with a bad taste in her mouth. Of all the things that “age poorly” in the film the worst is probably just how they shoot her. Often in skimpy clothing and specifically as the romantic interest. She has very little to do in the film otherwise. It is understandable, but an unfortunate thing to subject a normal person to.
There are some laugh out loud moments … or maybe like exhale strongly. The entire storyline about Guy Torry’s various attempts to get people to acknowledge his race. McGinley cranking it up to 11 as usual. Ed Asner has a lot of Rip Torn energy in this one which works. And finally the triple head fake at the end I think is genuinely a very funny joke, where they seem to reveal the other Animal three times before finally revealing the twist that Haskell is the other animal.
And of course I would be remiss if I didn’t mention Norm’s short but pretty delightful cameo as … himself I suppose.
I have to repeat: this film isn’t funny. But it also isn’t unpleasant. And Happy Madison was about to go top speed into unpleasantville with a few of Schneider’s follow ups and eventually culminating in Bucky Larson: Born to Be a Star.
For a Sandler-adjacent film this had a surprisingly small Product Placement (What?) in Slim Jim, which Schneider had to slam in order to curb his animal cravings. Fictional Setting as a Character (Where?) for Elkerton, California. And a Worst Twist for the reveal that Colleen Haskell is an aminal as well.
Read about my Animal sequel in the Quiz. Cheerios,
Oh man, so get this! I was driving along a mountain road minding my own business, when all of a sudden I drove off the edge and got all smashed up! Now I have animal parts in me and a concussion to boot. I can’t remember a thing. Do you remember what happened in The Animal?
Pop Quiz Hot Shot!
1) Rob Schneider really really wants to be a police officer. What is the one thing he needs to do to be a real deal cop?
2) Aw shucks, that’s too bad. Well, while everyone else is at the company softball game, he’s gets to play cop and respond to a robbery call. But instead he gets into a massive accident. Why does he get into the accident?
3) Around this time he also meets his lady love. She’s kind of a big deal, a local celeb of sorts. What made her so famous?
4) In the end he does become a cop (hooray!). What does he do which gets him elevated to this position?
5) And prior to revealing that his lady love is in fact a Femanimal, who are the three people they head-fake out of people the Animal? And why is she ultimately let free for them to both me Manimals together?
Bonus Question: It’s twenty years in the making! We are revisiting The Animal (finally!). What is the whole fam up to?
Jamie and Patrick lay on their deathbeds. The whole Hartford Whalers family surrounds them with tears streaming down their faces. Even the mascot weeps so loudly that you can hear it through his oversized Headless Kevin James costume. It was a joyous ride being the owners of what was now known as the most successful sports franchise in history. Kyle was at first derided as a buffoon with no coaching experience, but soon the players came to understand the secret ingredient to winning: Love. The love Kyle had for his players took them from bottom of the barrel to top of the league in their very first season and from there they won 33 of the last 50 Stanley Cups. And yet… when they should feel most at peace, both Jamie and Patrick couldn’t help but think back on the moment when they kicked Kevin James’ head clean off. Was it right? Was it true? Maybe Kevin James was a secret serial killer so it was OK that they kicked his head clean off. But it wasn’t the case. Kevin James was not a secret serial killer. He wasn’t even a secret serial killer who only killed serial killers. No, Kevin James was just a successful actor that people liked to watch. And they were just the two guys who kicked his head clean off and rode that to the greatest success mankind had ever witnessed. They look at each other and whisper what only they can understand, “We shouldn’t have kicked Kevin James’ head clean off.” With that they die.
Jamie and Patrick wake up from their daydream to find themselves face-to-face with Kevin James, now finished with his satirical comedy act. They tense, their animal instincts gearing up for the fight that they no longer wanted to have. That’s right! Speaking of animal instincts we are jumping like glorious leopards onto the easy prey that is The Animal starring Rob Schneider. I can’t remember if we saw this in theaters, but it’s possible given that I’ve seen the film more than a few times. It serves a nice transition from the Choice Awards cycle (Teen Choice Award nominees for Choice Wipeout) to the Sooooory Cycle starring all our favorite Canadian actors. In this case, Norm MacDonald shows up in a small part. Let’s go!
The Animal (2001) – BMeTric: 71.4; Notability: 52
StreetCreditReport.com –BMeTric: top 1.6%; Notability: top 8.4%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 28.6%; Higher BMeT: Glitter, Jason X, Freddy Got Fingered, Driven; Higher Notability: Pearl Harbor, Lara Croft: Tomb Raider, Monkeybone, Hannibal, Impostor, Not Another Teen Movie, Ghosts of Mars, Swordfish, Bubble Boy, Scary Movie 2, 15 Minutes, The One, The Affair of the Necklace, Town & Country, I Am Sam, 3000 Miles to Graceland, America’s Sweethearts, Along Came a Spider, Texas Rangers, Don’t Say a Word, and 1 more; Lower RT: Texas Rangers, Soul Survivors, Glitter, All the Queen’s Men, Corky Romano, The Forsaken, Summer Catch, The Wash, Out Cold, Say It Isn’t So, Joe Dirt, Megiddo: The Omega Code 2, What’s the Worst That Could Happen?, Head Over Heels, Freddy Got Fingered, Crocodile Dundee in Los Angeles, Perfume, The Musketeer, Valentine, Double Take, and 48 more; Notes: Let’s see. We’ve seen all the higher BMeTs, and 10 of the top 20 lowest Rotten Tomatoes. Doing pretty well on 2001 it would seem.
Leonard Maltin – BOMB – A pathetic nobody awakens after a car accident to find that his body organs have been replaced by those of animals (a dog, a dolphin, a horse, etc.). Filled to the brim with bathroom humor, offensive dialogue, gratuitous nudity … everything by genuine comedy. Schneider cowrote; Sandals co-executive produced.
(Shocker there is no mention of Colleen Haskell. That is by far the most notable thing about this film. Anyways, love the BOMB, they are so rare.)
(They ruin a decent gag right at the start with the garage door wall. Having seen this movie a bunch of times, a ton of that trailer isn’t in the movie. Him coming out of the dog house for example. Also … is it being from the producers of Deuce Bigelow supposed to entice me to watch this film?)
Directors – Luke Greenfield – ( Known For: The Girl Next Door; Future BMT: Let’s Be Cops; Half Brothers; BMT: The Animal; Something Borrowed; Notes: The fact that Half Brothers qualifies is a bit nuts to be honest, I have never heard of it at all. He has two upcoming projects but his last major film was Let’s Be Cops which I’m pretty sure was a financial nothing film.)
Writers – Tom Brady – ( Future BMT: The Hot Chick; BMT: The Animal; Notes: Went to Harvard, claims to have discovered Rachel McAdams, and doesn’t have much in the pipeline except a TV show that is maybe coming out next year.)
Rob Schneider – ( Future BMT: The Hot Chick; BMT: Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo; The Animal; Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo; Notes: Much like Sandler seemed to get writing credits on the films he was involved in in the early 2000s. He was of the SNL class that was derided (and fired), but then ended up being considered the best class they had in the 90s.)
Actors – Rob Schneider – ( Known For: 50 First Dates; The Wrong Missy; Home Team; Hubie Halloween; Daddy Daughter Trip; Big Stan; Sandy Wexler; American Virgin; Muppets from Space; You May Not Kiss the Bride; InAPPropriate Comedy; The Reef; Wild Cherry; The Adventures of Panda Warrior; Susan’s Plan; Outback; The Reef 2: High Tide; Wings; Frog Kingdom; Martians Go Home; Future BMT: Click; Big Daddy; The Hot Chick; The Longest Yard; The Waterboy; Mr. Deeds; You Don’t Mess with the Zohan; Grandma’s Boy; Home Alone 2: Lost in New York; Bedtime Stories; Down Periscope; Surf Ninjas; Necessary Roughness; Norm of the North; Eight Crazy Nights; The Adventures of Pinocchio; BMT: Grown Ups; Demolition Man; The Benchwarmers; I Now Pronounce You Chuck & Larry; Judge Dredd; Little Nicky; Little Man; Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo; The Beverly Hillbillies; The Ridiculous 6; Around the World in 80 Days; The Animal; Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo; Knock Off; Notes: He’s a bit of a crank. Heavily anti-vaccine, although that’s been going on for a long time. I can’t tell, but the trailer for Daddy Daughter Trip is harrowing … is it makeup, or does he just look that way now? I have no idea.)
Colleen Haskell – ( BMT: The Animal; Notes: She was 6th in Survivor Season 1, and this is her one and only attempt at acting. Apparently she didn’t like the experience. Five people have wiki pages from season 1, of which she is one.)
John C. McGinley – ( Known For: Se7en; Office Space; Point Break; The Rock; Platoon; Identity; Any Given Sunday; Born on the Fourth of July; Wall Street; 42; The Belko Experiment; World Trade Center; Battle of the Sexes; Fat Man and Little Boy; Set It Off; Get a Job; Nixon; A Midnight Clear; Talk Radio; Mother; Future BMT: Nothing to Lose; Three to Tango; Born to Be Wild; Stealing Harvard; Hear No Evil; BMT: Wild Hogs; The Animal; Summer Catch; Get Carter; Surviving the Game; Alex Cross; On Deadly Ground; Highlander II: The Quickening; Wagons East; Are We Done Yet?; Car 54, Where Are You?; Notes: Hell yeah. He’s a BMT All Star. This is the 11th of his films we’ve done, five. That’s easy peasy. Let’s get on it.)
(Probably made its money back to some degree … but not by much and it depends on what they got internationally. No wonder The Animal 2 wasn’t even in the cards, even without Haskell.)
Rotten Tomatoes – 30% (25/84): While less offensive and more charming than recent gross-humored comedies, The Animal is still rather mediocre.
(Wow, that is a far more mild review than I would have expected. Huh. It is vaguely funny, and at least has a unique viewpoint I suppose. And looking at the New York Times review I suppose I get it.)
NYT Short Review: The goofy new Rob Schneider comedy isn’t the gross-out farce that its title suggests. … Mr. Schneider brings an endearing innocence to a role that others would have played with a nasty leer.
(I like some of the bold colors on this, but this is really a classic example of a common poster type in the 2000’s. I’ll call it the Knocked Up. In the Knocked Up they make the not traditionally handsome comedic leading man look slightly stupid and then are basically like “yeah… we really made this guy our leading actor… isn’t that hilarious?”… Knocked Up is the one that really stuck in my mind, but in reality pretty much every Rob Schneider vehicle has this exact poster. C.)
Tagline(s) – He wasn’t much of a man… Now he’s not much of an animal. (C+)
(I understand the first part, I’m not sure I understand the second part very well. But it sounds and feels like a tagline. Just not a particularly great one.)
Keyword(s) – wisdom
Top 10: The Dark Knight (2008), Inception (2010), Forrest Gump (1994), The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring (2001), The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King (2003), The Dark Knight Rises (2012), The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers (2002), Batman Begins (2005), Inglourious Basterds (2009), The Silence of the Lambs (1991)
Future BMT: 88.6 Dumb and Dumberer: When Harry Met Lloyd (2003), 84.0 Prom Night (2008), 83.7 Spy Kids 4: All the Time in the World (2011), 82.2 You Got Served (2004), 80.0 Jonas Brothers: The 3D Concert Experience (2009), 79.6 Nutty Professor II: The Klumps (2000), 78.9 Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked (2011), 77.6 Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakquel (2009), 77.2 Superhero Movie (2008), 72.3 Bewitched (2005), 69.4 College Road Trip (2008), 68.9 Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen (2004), 68.5 Poltergeist (2015), 68.2 Yogi Bear (2010), 65.7 Halloween Ends (2022), 65.7 The Haunting of Molly Hartley (2008), 65.3 Fat Albert (2004), 65.0 Scary Movie 4 (2006), 64.7 The Grudge 2 (2006), 64.5 Darkness Falls (2003)
BMT: Batman & Robin (1997), The Emoji Movie (2017), The Last Airbender (2010), Fifty Shades of Grey (2015), The Cat in the Hat (2003), Crossroads (2002), Norbit (2007), Fantastic Four (2015), From Justin to Kelly (2003), The Master of Disguise (2002), Book of Shadows: Blair Witch 2 (2000), Sex and the City 2 (2010), Space Jam: A New Legacy (2021), xXx: State of the Union (2005), Aliens vs. Predator: Requiem (2007), Fifty Shades Freed (2018), Little Man (2006), Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2 (2015), Taxi (2004), The Twilight Saga: New Moon (2009), Freddy Got Fingered (2001), I Still Know What You Did Last Summer (1998), Zoolander 2 (2016), Kangaroo Jack (2003), Are We Done Yet? (2007), Police Academy 5: Assignment: Miami Beach (1988), The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1 (2011), The Boy Next Door (2015), Wild Wild West (1999), The Animal (2001), Urban Legends: Final Cut (2000), Year One (2009), Are We There Yet? (2005), Marmaduke (2010), Big Momma’s House 2 (2006), The Roommate (2011), Tammy (2014), Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III (1993), … (and many more)
Best Options (canada): 88.6 Dumb and Dumberer: When Harry Met Lloyd (2003), 84.0 Prom Night (2008), 77.2 Superhero Movie (2008), 71.4 The Animal (2001), 69.4 College Road Trip (2008), 68.9 Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen (2004), 68.2 Yogi Bear (2010), 65.7 The Haunting of Molly Hartley (2008), 65.0 Scary Movie 4 (2006), 63.6 Valentine (2001), 61.5 Scooby-Doo (2002), 58.7 Scary Movie 2 (2001), 54.6 The Smurfs 2 (2013), 53.9 Annie (2014), 53.1 Aloha (2015), 52.1 Loser (2000), 51.7 View from the Top (2003), 51.5 Scary Movie 3 (2003), 50.8 Saw 3D (2010), 50.8 Racing Stripes (2005), 49.4 Monster-in-Law (2005), 48.5 White Noise (2005), 48.2 You Don’t Mess with the Zohan (2008), 47.8 Dumb and Dumber To (2014), 47.0 On the Line (2001), 46.7 You, Me and Dupree (2006), 46.5 40 Days and 40 Nights (2002), 43.8 Not Another Teen Movie (2001), 43.8 The Stepfather (2009), 43.6 Chicken Little (2005), 43.3 John Tucker Must Die (2006), 40.9 Resident Evil: Afterlife (2010), 40.6 The Mortal Instruments: City of Bones (2013), 39.8 Semi-Pro (2008), 37.8 Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen (2009), 36.9 The Amityville Horror (2005), 36.6 Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Out of the Shadows (2016), 36.2 The Incredible Burt Wonderstone (2013), 35.4 Rugrats Go Wild (2003), 33.2 The Last Song (2010), 27.9 Transformers: Dark of the Moon (2011), 27.7 Dracula Untold (2014), 27.0 Taking Lives (2004), 25.7 Idle Hands (1999), 24.8 Terminator Genisys (2015), 24.7 The Internship (2013), 22.5 The Shack (2017), 20.9 Charlie St. Cloud (2010), 19.4 Terminator Salvation (2009), 19.4 Kick-Ass 2 (2013), 19.1 Life as We Know It (2010), 17.0 Saw II (2005), 14.8 The Matrix Revolutions (2003), 14.5 If I Stay (2014), 12.8 Home Alone 2: Lost in New York (1992), 12.8 The Island (2005), 12.7 The Vow (2012), 9.0 The Longest Ride (2015), 7.8 The Time Traveler’s Wife (2009), 3.1 The Butterfly Effect (2004)
(We went high up for this guy. Norm is only kind of in it, but it counts! And obviously The Animal was awards some Kids’ Choice. How could Kids not love this stuff, he almost has sex with a goat!)
Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 13) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Rob Schneider is No. 1 billed in The Animal and No. 1 billed in Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo, which also stars William Forsythe (No. 2 billed) who is in 88 Minutes (No. 5 billed) which also stars Leelee Sobieski (No. 3 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 1 billed) => (1 + 1) + (2 + 5) + (3 + 1) = 13. If we were to watch Norm of the North we can get the HoE Number down to 9.
Notes – This is Colleen Haskell’s debut as an actress after being one of the final contenders in the first season of Survivor (2000). Rob Schneider said that working with Haskell was one of the unexpected pleasures of making the film.
The newspaper clipping of Marvin’s father features the face of Rob Schneider’s actual father, Marvin (to whom the movie is dedicated) photoshopped onto a police officer. Also, the car in which the lead character has his road accident was originally owned by Marvin Schneider (although several duplicates were also used in the crash sequence).
In both audio commentaries on the Uncut version of the DVD, it is mentioned that Harry Dean Stanton played the part of a hunter staking out the Man-Beast in the forest, but nearly all of the footage ended up on the cutting room floor. He can still be seen, uncredited, being attacked in once scene after Marvin asks Rianna to tie him up.
In June 2001, Newsweek revealed that print ads for at least four movies released by Columbia Pictures, including this one and A Knight’s Tale (2001), contained glowing comments from a film reviewer who didn’t exist. The fake critic, “David Manning,” was the friend of someone who worked in Columbia’s advertising department, and agreed to let his friend use his name. Manning was misrepresented as a reviewer for the Ridgefield Press, a real-life weekly paper out of Ridgefield, Connecticut.
Director Luke Greenfield’s mother deliberately hung around on-set because she was a big fan of Edward Asner.
Awards – Nominee for the Razzie Award for Worst Actor of the Decade (Rob Schneider)
It seems like pure insanity that for a moment in the 90’s, as the big stupid blockbuster was on the rise, a whole mess of films were made that featured actual sports franchises doing real stupid stuff. In Major League, the franchise is the literal villain. In Sudden Death, the Stanley Cup is used as a backdrop for a terrorist attack. In Eddie, the Knicks are such a stumblebum, garbage franchise that they pull a fan from the stands to coach the team and are at risk of being moved to St. Louis… THE KNICKS! Little Big League, Rookie of the Year, Celtic Pride. There are a lot of them. I’m not going to say that this will never happen again… for all I know the Carolina Panthers would give their left arm to have a Marvel film use one of their games as a backdrop for Thor 5. But it feels like now the league and franchises will control more of the narrative and just wouldn’t let Jean-Claude Van Damme play goalie and beat up their mascot. Sir Purr would probably have to help Thor win the day and save the stadium and then become an Avenger at the end.
To recap, Eddie is a limo driver/Knicks superfan who is an outspoken critic of the team and coaching in particular. When the franchise is sold she makes an immediate impression on the team’s new flashy owner. Looking to bump ticket sales he rigs a contest so Eddie is pulled from the stands to coach the team. The coach, who hates Eddie, ends up quitting in protest and the owner happily installs Eddie as the interim coach. But things aren’t easy. She doesn’t have any respect from the team and basically sits silently while the team rattles off a horrific losing streak. With the help of the assistant coach she starts to understand some of the things plaguing the franchise: their big man doesn’t play defense, their star player is selfish, and other players are going through personal turmoil. She starts to connect with everyone and in a startling move decides to bench their star player in favor of a near retirement former star who makes up in leadership what he now lacks in skills. This is despite the fact that the star player has allegedly played every minute of every game that season and has not yet sat on the bench… it’s just solid writing. With that move they immediately go on a winning streak that puts them one game out of the playoffs on the final game of the season… a game against the Hornets, now coached by their former coach. Uh oh! To make matters worse, in a big ol’ twist (what a twist!) the owner reveals that he’s moving the franchise to St. Louis as long as they can win that one game, otherwise the deal falls through… again, just airtight writing here. Eddie is devastated and as the game enters the final seconds she puts on a protest, forcing the owner to backtrack on the deal and promise to keep the Knicks in NYC. At that, she brings back the star player and they win as a team. THE END.
I kind of miss these types of films. They are really, really silly, but it’s also kind of fun to see the NBA and the Knicks play ball on such a bonkers concept. I do wish that it was a little better written… at least from the sports point of view. Whoever made this appears to have little or perhaps no knowledge of basketball or how the NBA works. It’s fine since the film is trash and mostly just hitting the Major League style beats, but it starts to lean towards Sudden Death territory of unintentional hilarity. Which makes sense. There is nothing to this film outside of “let’s get America’s champion Whoopi Goldberg on screen and give the people what they want,” just as Sudden Death is merely a means of injecting pure JCVD. Overall it’s quite bad, but in a moderately fun way. As for Undefeatable, I had heard of this film regarding what was supposed to be a totally insane final fight. I think that was overblown, but the film is not a bad cheap martial arts film with some really funny plot points. The main bad guy is ludicrous, so that’s nice, and the whole thing is a who’s who of Greater Baltimore area martial artists… so that’s funny too. If you are looking for a fun cheesy movie night Undefeatable isn’t half bad.
Hot Take Clam Bake! Eddie and the owner, Wild Bill, definitely got together after the events of the film. The chemistry they have leaps off the screen and at a certain point Wild Bill invites Eddie to a very romantic dinner and I was like “here it is, here’s where he says he wants to be with her.” I was so convinced of their chemistry that I had assumed at that point that the conflict of the film would be that she is offended at the thought that he kept her on as coach just because he wanted to date her… but instead he says he’s selling the team and I was like WTF. So I conclude that they must get together shortly thereafter, because there is electricity between them. A heat so hot that it could only come from the actors actually being in love (which was the case). Hot Take Temperature: A 10 game win streak.
Patrick?
Patrick
‘Ello everyone! What are we talking about? Are we talking about Whoopi Goldberg coaching the Knicks? Let’s go!
Hoooooooooooooooooooooooo doggy. What the hell is this movie? Like … who is this for really. I don’t usually subscribe to such derivative takes on films. But really though. Who is this for? Was Whoopi that big of a star that they paid a bucketload for NBA players and filmed in the Garden to get a bad sports comedy. A sports comedy? It doesn’t make sense.
There is something charming though about mid-90s comedies. This thing made $30 million dollars at the box office. No doubt a giant bomb. It made $0 overseas. But No Hard Feelings, which was a surprising success this year? Around $45 million so far domestic. That’s probably equivalent with inflation. Again … Eddie was considered a giant embarrassment at the time.
Oh one other odd thing, so far I’ve only been able to find this film playing on television once. Total. That makes no sense. It is likely false. But still, there is some indication that it really wasn’t played much on television in the late-90s, which is kind of counter to what I would have expected.
Jamie touched on this but it cannot be overstated how dumb a lot of the shit involving the sports aspect of this film is. Genuinely the entire roster and coaching staff would leave if Eddie was named the coach without interviewing anyone else. They claim the star of the Knicks hadn’t been benched so far this year, on its face ludicrous, but only more so because we know they are on something like a 10 game losing streak when Eddie takes over, were getting blown out on the reg, and his shooting percentage was something like 2-30 in one game. How does Eddie fix the Knicks? She teaches the big man to take a charge (absurd), the ladies man to love his wife (absurd), and the prima donna that other basketball players are good (absurd, again, he just lost 10 games in a row while on an aggressive cold streak, I think he knows there are other good basketball players around). And finally, no, you can’t just sell the Knicks to St. Louis. The commissioner (representing the owners) can nix the deal and force you out. You can’t just say “I’m moving my team to my hometown, they’ll play in the high school gymnasium.” Doesn’t work that way.
Even weirder? There were not one but two separate writers who did enough work on this film to get a writing credit who appear to be punch up artists exclusively for sports comedies. But … now you would think such a person would know sports inside and out, but I suppose if you need to punch up a diverse set of schlocky sports comedies maybe not.
I actually do think there is a bona fide Planchet (Who?) here with the dumb basketball player played by Greg Ostertag. Some weird Product Placement (What?) like Hooked on Phonics, but the actual award I think goes to Armani for the shout out when Eddie decides to buy a suit. Setting as a Character (Where?) since the film takes play in Madison Square Garden specifically for a solid quarter of the film. And definite Worst Twist (How?) for the ultimate reveal that the evil owner is evil and the Knicks just have to make the playoffs for the deal to go through, which makes zero sense. This is a BMT film through and through, what a weirdo film.
As a friend we watched Undefeatable starring Cynthia Rothrock just as another film with a female lead that played on television the same day as Eddie. Obviously, Rothrock is one of the martial artists high on the list of potential friends for BMT, but this is the first of her films we watched. Maybe not the best option in that regard, but still pretty fun. A who’s who of local martial artists, and specifically it appears they made the somewhat bizarre decision to choose a bunch of martial artists who specialized in Forms and Weapons (not combat), so there are a number of extended Forms sequences in the film. Pretty neat. The appearances of other martial artists outside of the three leads though can be embarrassing and kick this film up to a solid B+. Not a bad introduction to Rothrock.
Read about the long awaited sequel in the Quiz. Cheerios,
Oh man, so get this. I got a shot at becoming coach of the Knicks and I nailed the shot! Well … no I didn’t, I actually slipped, faceplanted, and imagined the whole thing. And I sustained a concussion and can’t remember a thing to boot. Do you remember what happened in Eddie?
Pop Quiz Hot Shot!
1) You, of course, know Eddie as the first female coach in NBA history. But can you even remember the beginning of this film? What was her original job?
2) How does Eddie become the coach though?
3) But … surely there is a rule against just replacing your coach right before the game?!
4) What does Eddie do to turn things around?
5) Oooooooh the big bad businessman is going to move the Knicks. Where?
Bonus Question: Well, it’s about 25 years later. What’s Eddie been up to?
Jamie and Patrick look out over BMaGOFHQ and see the empire they built over the last decade. It’s not easy combining the sharp wit of bad movie criticism with the great taste of Good Ooze, their flagship product of what became their much more lucrative beverage and (eventually) petroleum business. A statue of Scott Bakula stands towering over their busily working employees. At a certain point they had contemplated releasing the secret to Good Ooze’s great taste, but when Scott Bakula asked them on his deathbed to never reveal the secret they agreed to keep it hidden forever. But really it should be obvious. It’s like asking what makes Here on Earth go down so smooth? What makes your heart race every time you see Jeff Fahey, Bo Derek, and a motorcycle in the same room? What made the moment they kicked Kevin James’ head clean off so special to so many people? The answer is easy: Love. Sugar, water, and love. That’s all Great Ooze ever was. Kyle comes into the office bringing samples of their latest petroleum product: New Gasoline. “The third one tastes the best,” Jamie says, and everyone agrees. “But how does it align with our mission statement?” Patrick asks as they all look towards the banner hanging in their office. “Would Scott Bakula Drink This?” it asks, and in tiny letters below that, “It’s OK That You Kicked Kevin James’ Head Clean Off.” They all nod their heads. Just as Kyle is about to leave he mentions off hand about the big news. Jamie and Patrick are confused. What news? “The Caroline Hurricanes… they’re up for sale.” Jamie and Patrick are taken aback. Why didn’t anyone call them? “Call up Hartford!” they scream to their secretary. “And get ready… coach,” they say to Kyle. That’s right! We are watching Eddie, the Whoopi Goldberg comedy that came at the heyday of Whoopi. People literally couldn’t get enough of her and she has the People’s/Teen/Kids Choice Awards to show for it. For Bring a Friend we grabbed a film that aired on the only day we could find where Eddie played on TV (4/25/1999), Undefeatable. It’s a Cynthia Rothrock film, so just a couple of films featuring female leads. What a connection. Let’s go!
Eddie (1996) – BMeTric: 45.5; Notability: 61
StreetCreditReport.com –BMeTric: top 6.8%; Notability: top 3.2%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 15.7%; Higher BMeT: Barb Wire, Kazaam, Striptease, Bio-Dome, The Island of Dr. Moreau, The Crow: City of Angels, Ed, Hellraiser: Bloodline, The Stupids, Spy Hard, Mr. Wrong, Poison Ivy II, D3: The Mighty Ducks, Solo, The Glimmer Man, First Kid, Eddie; Higher Notability: The Fan, Jingle All the Way, Spy Hard, Chain Reaction, Daylight, Up Close & Personal, Mulholland Falls, The Associate; Lower RT: The Dentist, Big Bully, Ed, Ripe, Bio-Dome, Kazaam, Mr. Wrong, Spy Hard, Eye for an Eye, Bulletproof, Celtic Pride, Solo, Curdled, House Arrest, The Glimmer Man, The Crow: City of Angels, In Love and War, Larger Than Life, Down Periscope, Dear God, and 17 more; Notes: Barb Wire: played 47 times in the 90s. Kazaam: 25. Striptease: 39. Bio-Dome: 44 (including Christmas 1997). The Island of Dr. Moreau: only 4 (I think this is one of those times of trying to force home video rental / sales, it only started playing in July 1999 according to my data). This played only once according to the data, but I have a feeling it might be wrong in this particular case. The notability is pretty solid.
RogerEbert.com – 1.5 stars – “Eddie” begins with Whoopi Goldberg playing a limousine dispatcher who does a play-by-play of Knicks games over the radio to her drivers. It ends with Whoopi as the coach of the New York Knicks, who are headed for the NBA playoffs. This sounds like a sensational scenario, but, alas, almost everything in between is recycled out of lightweight sports-movie cliches, and the movie never captures the electricity and excitement of the real NBA. … The movie’s underlying plot doesn’t amount to much, either, with Wild Bill as the evil capitalist who wants to sell the team to St. Louis. How Eddie counters this desire is something I will not reveal, except to say I seriously doubt that there is a single referee in the NBA who would let her get away with it.
(I’ll also try and not spoil anything, but Ebert is right and wrong here. Yeah, they wouldn’t have allowed her to get away with it, but also the actual result (the Knicks forfeit) would have played right into Eddie’s hands. If the movie had any balls that would have been the actual result: a triumphant forfeit with Eddie suspended from coaching for a year or something.)
(The trailer ending on a small dick joke is just classic 90s. The movie? Looks awful, like what’s really the point, you know all the story beats that are going to happen? Dumb.)
Directors – Steve Rash – ( Known For: Can’t Buy Me Love; The Buddy Holly Story; Under the Rainbow; Good Advice; Crooked Arrows; Queens Logic; Future BMT: Son in Law; Held Up; BMT: Eddie; Notes: No joke, Can’t Buy Me Love is basically one of the most “TV film” film in history. Nearly 100 times in the 90s, crazy stuff. He basically started doing those cheap direct-to-video sequels (American Pie Presents, Bring it On 4, that kind of this) in the early 2000s.)
Writers – Steve Zacharias and Jeff Buhai – ( Known For: Revenge of the Nerds; The Harrad Experiment; Last Resort; The Whoopee Boys; Future BMT: Revenge of the Nerds II: Nerds in Paradise; Johnny Be Good; BMT: In the Army Now; Eddie; Notes: He only wrote the first Revenge of the Nerds, the others are character credits. I’m just going to vaguely restate Zacharais’ sole IMDb trivia which is that he was his school’s best athlete in fourth grade. Genuinely on IMDb.)
Jon Connolly – ( Known For: The Dream Team; BMT: Eddie; Notes: Died in 2021. The Dream Team is a weird looking film.)
David Loucka – ( Known For: The Dream Team; Future BMT: House at the End of the Street; Dream House; BMT: Rings; Eddie; Notes: Seems like he was Connolly’s writing partner at the time, but eventually split off to make horror films instead.)
Eric Champnella – ( Known For: Thunderstruck; Mr. 3000; Alex & Me; BMT: Eddie; Notes: No joke seems to just be a writer they pull in to punch up sports comedies?)
Keith Mitchell – ( Known For: Mr. 3000; BMT: Eddie; Notes: Same thing! He was just a guy who exclusively punched up sports comedies!)
Dale Launer – ( Known For: My Cousin Vinny; Dirty Rotten Scoundrels; Ruthless People; Love Potion No. 9; Future BMT: Blind Date; BMT: The Hustle; Notes: The son of a character actor who seemed to have been most well known for playing a judge on Perry Mason. Claims he made up the term “dead on balls accurate” for Mona Lisa Vito in My Cousin Vinny)
Actors – Whoopi Goldberg – ( Known For: The Lion King; The Player; Girl, Interrupted; The Deep End of the Ocean; Ghost; Toy Story 3; Luck; In & Out; The Color Purple; Till; Sister Act; Rat Race; Star Trek: Generations; The Muppets; A Little Bit of Heaven; The Adventures of Rocky & Bullwinkle; Boys on the Side; My Father’s Dragon; How Stella Got Her Groove Back; Ghosts of Mississippi; Future BMT: The Little Rascals; Sister Act 2: Back in the Habit; Star Trek: Nemesis; The Pagemaster; Madea Goes to Jail; Loaded Weapon 1; Bordello of Blood; For Colored Girls; Nobody’s Fool; Jumpin’ Jack Flash; Racing Stripes; Corrina, Corrina; Made in America; House Party 2; Kingdom Come; Moonlight and Valentino; Fatal Beauty; Burglar; The Associate; BMT: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles; Monkeybone; Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2; Theodore Rex; Eddie; Notes: Y’all know Whoopi. She has a crazy number of qualifying films. She has done like 1000 episodes of The View. Still does it by the looks of it. Nominated for two Oscars, one for The Color Purple and then she won a surprise victory for Ghost.)
Frank Langella – ( Known For: Lolita; Captain Fantastic; Superman Returns; The Trial of the Chicago 7; Noah; The Ninth Gate; Small Soldiers; Dave; Draft Day; All Good Things; The Men’s Club; The Box; Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps; Unknown; The Tale of Despereaux; Muppets Most Wanted; Good Night, and Good Luck.; Dracula; Frost/Nixon; 5 to 7; Future BMT: Junior; Sweet November; Brainscan; BMT: Masters of the Universe; Body of Evidence; Cutthroat Island; 1492: Conquest of Paradise; Eddie; Notes: Pretty surprising he has only been nominated for one Oscar for Frost/Nixon. According to reports he decided to be Skeletor in Masters of the Universe because it seemed fun.)
Dennis Farina – ( Known For: Saving Private Ryan; Snatch; Manhunter; Out of Sight; Thief; Midnight Run; Get Shorty; Bottle Shock; Code of Silence; Romeo Is Bleeding; Big Trouble; You Kill Me; That Old Feeling; The Grand; Authors Anonymous; Jo Jo Dancer, Your Life Is Calling; Knucklehead; Sidewalks of New York; Purple Violets; Bagboy; Future BMT: Little Big League; Paparazzi; Striking Distance; Havana; The Mod Squad; Another Stakeout; Stealing Harvard; BMT: What Happens in Vegas; Reindeer Games; Eddie; Notes: Famously didn’t act until he was 37-years-old and then he was cast by Michael Mann as the lead role in Crime Story. Was a Chicago Police officer for 18 years.)
Budget/Gross – $30 million / Domestic: $31,387,164 (Worldwide: $31,387,164)
(Yeah … that’s no good. But what can you expect? It is a sports comedy starring Whoopi Goldberg. It’s just a bizarre combination.)
Rotten Tomatoes – 16% (6/37): Whoopi Goldberg may demonstrate that she can coach a basketball team with the best of them, but not even she can whip this dreary script into shape.
(Yeah, it really is just a poor concept, poor writing, no-laugh comedy. To be frank, it genuinely is a bizarre film where the sole joy is trying to figure out who the Knicks player with long blonde hair is.)
Reviewer Highlight: Avid basketball fan becomes Knicks head coach. Savvy, good-humored Cinderella story.
(I’m actually offended by this poster. From the image down to the tagline, it’s playing into the worst stereotype of women in sports (mostly applied to women journalists). Like she’s placed in a shower with the players and then the tagline is basically like ‘ooh la la, she’s checking out these hunks.’ Weird, bad, and the most offensive part? It has nothing to do with the movie! That’s barely touched on in the film! I think there is one gag played early on, but I don’t even remember because it has so little relevance to the majority of the film. F.)
Tagline(s) – The Newest Coach In The NBA Has Got The Knicks Right Where She Wants Them. (F)
(Yeah, so I’m going to give this one an F to go with the poster’s F. In this case the most offensive part is how long it is. I’m actually surprised the NBA didn’t have the juice or wherewithal to veto this. The Patriot’s Lisa Olson scandal happened just six years earlier.)
Keyword(s) – wisdom
Top 10: The Dark Knight (2008), Inception (2010), Forrest Gump (1994), The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring (2001), The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King (2003), The Dark Knight Rises (2012), The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers (2002), Batman Begins (2005), Inglourious Basterds (2009), The Silence of the Lambs (1991)
Future BMT: 88.6 Dumb and Dumberer: When Harry Met Lloyd (2003), 84.0 Prom Night (2008), 83.7 Spy Kids 4: All the Time in the World (2011), 82.2 You Got Served (2004), 80.0 Jonas Brothers: The 3D Concert Experience (2009), 79.6 Nutty Professor II: The Klumps (2000), 78.9 Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked (2011), 77.6 Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakquel (2009), 77.2 Superhero Movie (2008), 72.3 Bewitched (2005), 71.4 The Animal (2001), 69.4 College Road Trip (2008), 68.9 Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen (2004), 68.5 Poltergeist (2015), 68.2 Yogi Bear (2010), 65.7 Halloween Ends (2022), 65.7 The Haunting of Molly Hartley (2008), 65.3 Fat Albert (2004), 65.0 Scary Movie 4 (2006), 64.7 The Grudge 2 (2006)
BMT: Batman & Robin (1997), The Emoji Movie (2017), The Last Airbender (2010), Fifty Shades of Grey (2015), The Cat in the Hat (2003), Crossroads (2002), Norbit (2007), Fantastic Four (2015), From Justin to Kelly (2003), The Master of Disguise (2002), Book of Shadows: Blair Witch 2 (2000), Sex and the City 2 (2010), Space Jam: A New Legacy (2021), xXx: State of the Union (2005), Aliens vs. Predator: Requiem (2007), Fifty Shades Freed (2018), Little Man (2006), Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2 (2015), Taxi (2004), The Twilight Saga: New Moon (2009), Freddy Got Fingered (2001), I Still Know What You Did Last Summer (1998), Zoolander 2 (2016), Kangaroo Jack (2003), Are We Done Yet? (2007), Police Academy 5: Assignment: Miami Beach (1988), The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1 (2011), The Boy Next Door (2015), Wild Wild West (1999), Urban Legends: Final Cut (2000), Year One (2009), Are We There Yet? (2005), Marmaduke (2010), Big Momma’s House 2 (2006), The Roommate (2011), Tammy (2014), Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III (1993), … (and many more)
Best Options (Whoopi Goldberg): 62.3 Madea Goes to Jail (2009), 50.8 Racing Stripes (2005), 45.5 Eddie
(This is … fake? Weird. Basically, Eddie definitely was nominated for a Kids’ Choice. I suppose either because it was for her as an actress (instead of for the movie?). Hard to tell really. It should be there. I’ll add it. But yeah, it is because I only counted movies nominated, not people, in the cycle at this point.)
Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 12) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Richard Jenkins is No. 4 billed in Eddie and No. 5 billed in Say It Isn’t So, which also stars Chris Klein (No. 1 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 2 billed) => (4 + 5) + (1 + 2) = 12. If we were to watch Corrina, Corrina we can get the HoE Number down to 10.
Notes – The New York Knicks home games were filmed at the Charlotte Coliseum, home of the Charlotte Hornets. Only exteriors of Madison Square Garden were featured. For the final game, Hornets fans were told to cheer against the Hornets.
Many of the players and coaches portrayed in the movie were associated with actual teams: Dennis Rodman, who appears in this movie with the San Antonio Spurs, was already on the Chicago Bulls at the time of the movies release; Mark Jackson, who portrays one of the Knicks players “Taylor,” was actually drafted and played for the Knicks in the late 1980s and early 1990s; Larry Johnson, the Knicks’ biggest rival in the movie, actually went on to play for the Knicks one year after the movie was released; 3 actual New York Knicks during the time of filming had a cameo in the playground pickup scene…. John Starks, Anthony Mason, and Herb Williams all appeared during the pickup scene in the playground; and Kurt Rambis, who who would go on to coach the New York Knicks from 2014 to 2018, portrays the Lakers’ head coach in the film. Rambis would actually go on the coach the Lakers on an interim basis in 1999, but was only an assistant coach at the time of filming.
While the New York Knicks have been considered one of the worst teams in the NBA at various points in time, they were actually considered to be one of the best during the 1995-1996 season, which was when Eddie (1996) was first released into theaters. Although the movie portrayed them to be the worst, the real life Knicks had just appeared in the NBA Finals 2 years prior to the films release in 1994, losing to the Houston Rockets. As of 2023, the Knicks have not made it to the NBA Finals since 1999, and have not won since 1973.
The Cleveland Cavaliers’ uniforms were the only visiting teams’ uniforms that did not accurately match those of their true-to-life uniforms.
Both Richard Jenkins, who plays assistant coach Carl Zimmer, and Frank Langella, who plays Wild Bill Burgess, would both go on to be nominated for the Academy Award for Best Actor in a Leading Role in 2008.
Awards – Nominee for the Razzie Award for Worst Actress (Whoopi Goldberg)
Let me take you back to March 19, 1993. TMNT 3 is hitting theaters, but to much less fanfare than the previous entries. While The Secret of the Ooze has Kevin McCallister don a Ninja Turtle mask in an embarrassing advertisement, the third flick wasn’t even the first and biggest advertisement of the day. That would go to Bridget Fonda’s Point of No Return. The TMNT ad is mostly just the poster (although I do like at the bottom where it tells you to pick up the Dell Paperback… don’t mind if I do). The much more interesting part of the NYTimes film section that day is the ad for A Far Off Place, which also features the ad for the last of three Roger Rabbit shorts:
I realize now that I’ve only ever seen the one featured before Honey, I Shrunk the Kids. Not surprising since the second featured before Dick Tracy, which I barely remember. A Far Off Place? I don’t remember that film at all. A small, but interesting tidbit is at the bottom of this advertisement it tells you to “Watch the Academy Awards March 29th on ABC” for reasons that elude me.
To recap, the Turtles are back, Jack! Back in time, that is. After April picks up a magic scepter from a flea market, the Turtles are shocked when it inadvertently sends her back in time, bringing a Japanese prince, Kenshin, in her place. Turns out it’s connected to Feudal Japan and Kenshin was in the middle of trying to convince his father to give up his warlording and stop buying weapons from the eeeevil English traders. The Turtles know what they have to do and go back in time themselves, bringing a bunch of warriors back in their place. Fortunately Casey Jones is also back (Jack) and ready to babysit. Back in time, Michelangelo is quickly captured, while the rest of the Turtles just as quickly rescue April and a pointless Casey Jones lookalike. They go off in search of Michelangelo and find him holed up in a rebel village. A fight with the English traders soon ensues and the heroics of the Turtles ingratiate them with the rebels. They spend a bunch of time trying to replicate the scepter, but it’s pointless because really the villagers hid it in hopes that the Turtles would stay and help them fight. Again, pointless, because the Casey Jones lookalike steals it and the Turtles have to chase it back to the warlord’s palace. A fight ensues and the Turtles win (duh). With the scepter in hand they prepare to head home, but a couple of them pointlessly want to stay, but are convinced not to. At this point a pointless thing happens where Michelangelo misses grabbing the scepter and seems to be trapped in time… but then they just use the scepter again and he’s fine. Weird. Anyway, it kind of peters out after that. THE END.
I can forgive The Secret of the Ooze. I can’t really forgive TMNT 3. Everything was downhill in terms of the technological achievement of the turtle suits. By the time you reach the third film Splinter isn’t just relegated to sitting in one spot (which was always the case), but looks like a Chuck E. Cheese robot and the Turtles mouths are horror shows every time they talk. From there the entire concept of the film is one contrived plot point after another. So many pointless things occur just to get to another pointless thing (if you didn’t get that from my synopsis). The only good thing I’ll say is that they did get the Turtles out into the wilderness of Feudal Japan, so that was kind of interesting to see. Oh, and all the films are blessedly short. Unfortunately the film’s shortness couldn’t make up for what was clearly the last legs of the franchise’s cinematic aspirations.
Hot Take Clam Bake! Splinter definitely was hoping that the warriors that were transferred through time to NYC would show up in his sewer naked. Don’t know what I’m talking about? Let me set the scene. Everyone is ready to go back in time to rescue April, but they know that whoever comes through the portal shows up in the clothes the person was wearing that they exchange with. Michelangelo recognizes this and rightly throws on some board shorts and has a bunch ready for the other Turtles to throw on. They don’t wear clothes, after all. But Splinter jumps in to be like “No! I mean… uh stop with this silliness, we don’t have time” and doesn’t allow them to don the board shorts. Of course one warrior shows up wearing Mikey’s board shorts and the rest are (confusedly) just wearing their underwear, which seems to break the rules they laid out for us. I’m sure that perv Splinter was sorely disappointed. Hot Take Temperature: Volcanic heat of Mt. Fuji
Patrick?
Patrick
‘Ello everyone! Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III. Shoot. You know what we forgot in the first two films? Racist caricatures of Japanese people! *Looks over at the foot clan* Hmmmmm, nevermind. Let’s go!
By the way, I know that the foot clan in the movies were all street urchin white kids from New York City. I’m not sure that makes it any better.
When I started this film I literally gasped. I’m not joking. They switched up the animatronic faces from the second film from the Henson Company to some other garbage outfit, and they RUINED it. Look what they did to my beautiful boys! They can barely emote. Their mouths move too much, and they have constant creepy rictus grins, and their lips form weird pointed triangle shapes constantly. Horrible. F-. Get it out of my sight!
I can only imagine what the tv show must have been like … hopefully they didn’t even attempt the animatronics and just had the mouths move vaguely up and down instead. (Oh no I just checked and not only is it worse, but there are terrible sound effects and Mikey gives off a serious sex pest vibe slobbering all over Venus De Milo).
It’s actually so bad in this film that they have them cover their mouths with masks for a good chunk of the film. Probably for cost saving and to avoid too much difficult ADR, but it did save me from having to look at their horrible mouths any more than I already had to.
Time travel. The laziest of all options. Bah! Honestly, if they were going to go that route, it would have been far more interesting to have like … Shredder’s ancestor come through the portal into New York City and for the turtles to have to get him back out.
A complete waste of the wonderful subway set they discovered in the second film too. You really only get to hang out with the pretty bad Casey Jones story.
I’ll just leave it with this: I cannot believe that for even a second the Turtles thought: hey, we’ll stay in Feudal Japan and leave some samurai chilling in NYC for eternity. Also, they never ever explain where the prior turtles from the scroll came from. Are we to think that they would come back to Japan again at some point to make that all consistent? Maybe.
Definite Planchet (Who?) for the bumbling evil doer’s assistant, although that could really be its own thing (and might be, I might have mentioned that in a prior Who section). Setting as a Character (Where?) for feudal Japan for sure. And an Exact Date (When?) for 1593 which is mentioned on the poster. A solid MacGuffin Kind Of (Why?) for the magical Japanese torch thing, although we know precisely what it does, it sends people back in time.
Read about my sequel to this film in the Quiz. Cheerios,
Thank god we’re back in the 90’s so I can look at the NYTimes for Secret of the Ooze’s release date, March 22nd, 1991. And let me tell you… film advertisers were going nuts. I’m not talking about the quote at the top of the TMNT2 poster which seems to be protesting a bit too much about how the Turtles are more upbeat (read: less murderous) this time.
Clear reaction to the reviews of the first that were basically like “wait, this is for kids?!” I’m also not talking about this little note on the TMNT2 poster declaring JCPenny the place to be for all things Turtles.
No I’m talking about this Home Alone ad which is just… it’s embarrassing.
I’m embarrassed for you.
To recap, the Turtles are back, Jack! And they are having an existential crisis! That’s because they are just learning a startling secret about the ooze that created them. Bum, bum, bum. While living with April O’Neil they catch wind of her latest story: a (mostly successful) toxic cleanup by the company TGRI. Splinter reveals that this toxic spill is what created the Turtles and they are all like “I thought we were more than just mistakes” and are momentarily sad. They decide to talk to the head scientist there about the ooze. But they aren’t the only ones. That’s right! Shredder is back, Jack! You thought he was crushed by a garbage truck? Right! But he’s still miraculously alive and so are his henchmen. So when the Turtles catch up with the scientist they end up ambushed by the Foot Clan and lose both the last canister of ooze and the scientist. Oh no! The scientist is forced to make a couple of big ol’ mutant monsters, Tokka and Rahzar, with the ooze before being rescued by the turtles. Back in their spiffy new abandoned subway station hideout, they work extra hard producing an antidote to counteract the mutant wolf and snapping turtle super strength. Armed with the antidote, and with the knowledge that Tokka and Rahzar will attack Central Park if they don’t fight them, they engage with the monsters only to be thrown into a Vanilla Ice concert. Vanilla Ice is at first not thrilled, but soon he’s grooving to his new funky tune, the Ninja Rap, all while the turtles fend off Tokka and Rahzar long enough for the antidote to work. Shredder is enraged and uses the last of the ooze to transform into Super Shredder… but for like five seconds before he inadvertently uses his super strength to collapse a dock around him. Idiot. Thus they save the day and the Ninja Rap goes down as the greatest work of art in history. THE END.
This movie is supremely silly… and purposefully so! I rewatched the first film and I appreciated how straightforward and blessedly short the whole affair was. Not to mention just how insane the turtle costumes were. They are amazing. But it’s also a pretty dark film. So it’s clear what they were trying to do with the second one. Bring back the straightforward storyline and short run time, but also make it silly for kids. Mission accomplished. Sure the costumes are starting to look a little less good this time (presumably because they must have cost a fortune), but still, it seems like this is exactly what they wanted. Is it exactly what I wanted? I mean, not entirely. It’s quite stupid and the ending is an extended mistake, but still… is it wrong that I didn’t mind most of it? There’s a reason why I remembered this one better than the first one.
Hot Take Clam Bake! Shredder didn’t die. Like come on. He got straight murdered by Casey Jones in a horrific garbage truck crushing event and yet he just rises up no prob in time for this film. So you think a little dock falling on him (and a super version of him no less) is going to take him out this time? Fat chance. That guy is still alive and only doesn’t show up in the third film because he has realized that being a bad guy is no fun. You get crushed constantly by being a bad guy. So my theory is that he has reformed his ways and is now working a 9-to-5 in the big city just trying to find his way. Is anyone else smelling a fish-out-of-water sitcom a-brewin’? Shred and the City. Hot Take Temperature: A piping hot slice of NYC za.
Patrick?
Patrick
‘Ello everyone! Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze? This is one secret I’ll never be able to keep. Let’s go!
I think this might be the first movie where I actively went from “this is awesome, the pinnacle of cinema. I love movies!” to “Oh wait … is this movie bad?” while growing up. I distinctly remember getting all the toys at a birthday party (at the bowling alley I think?), and then I also distinctly remember watching it a thousand times, and then finally I distinctly remember thinking “huh this movie seems not well made” only a few years later.
Oh yeah, I’ve seen this film one million times. I loved it. I kind of still do.
Really the only unforgivable sin of the film is eliminating (for whatever reason, possibly his choice) Casey Jones and replacing him with a new human helper guy. I live the semi-ninja they have in this one, but Casey Jones was a solid addition and it is kind of amazing that they had him in the first film.
Obviously the giant new mutants are an abomination. And the effects are decidedly worse than in the first film (although not by much, probably a result of attempting to fit all the robotics directly into the turtle heads instead of using the shells). Really, rather sad they didn’t just go with Bebop and Rocksteady in this one, and then go full Krang in the third. Would have really been a neat little trilogy in that case.
I should talk a bit about the first film: I forgot how serious it is. There was a whole section where Raphael almost died. They all seem stunned when he wakes up. The interlude at the farmhouse plays like an 80s drama. It is weird and wild stuff and yet it pretty much works. Genuinely incredible what they pulled off there.
This one not so much. Still kind of love it. The Vanilla Ice music video at the end was ironically the greatest thing in the history of film (still is).
I’m going to give Keno a rare Planchet (Who?) award for kind of screwing things up and vaguely being made fun of during the film. As usual, I believe the Turtles have an exclusive Product Placement (What?) deal with Dominos. We are still in New York City for Setting as a Character (Where?) (for now…). Obviously this is an A+ MacGuffin (Why?) for the ooze which holds a secret we never quite find out, but everyone really wants it and it is a big thing driving the entire story. It is right there in the title! And why not, let’s give it a Worst Twist (How?) for the reveal of your kids’ favorite new toy: Super Shredder! This is closest to BMT for sure, it is very very silly nonsense from front to back.
Read about my secret Casey Jones spinoff film in the Quiz. Cheerios,
Oh man, so get this. I was just hanging in the sewer (natch) when I found this sweet like … ancient thing. But then it turned on, and all of a sudden I was in ancient Japan! Well, when I got there I got bopped on the head by a gaggle of British arms dealers and I don’t remember a thing. Do you remember what happened in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III?
Pop Quiz Hot Shot!
1) April’s here, and she’s got a boatload of gifts for the Turtles. They are all pretty sweet, but Splinter’s is the sweetest. What is his gift, and where did she get all this sweet stuff?
2) So obviously it turns on and zaps April back in time. Whoops. Who comes in her place?
3) Well the turtles just gotta go and save April! While back in time they learn all about the conflict that is occurring in feudal Japan. What is it?
4) Uh oh we got a betrayer in our midst! Who betrays the gang?
5) Why do some of the turtles want to stay back in time? And why do some of the honor guard want to stay in the future?
Bonus Question: The Turtles look sadly at the notice that Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles IV is canceled. What are they going to do now?
Oh jeez. So here’s the thing. I’m part of the Footclan. Great benefits. But then, seriously, a giant turtle popped out and bopped me on the head! He knew karate!!! Well, needless to say, I don’t remember a thing. Do you remember what happened in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze?
Pop Quiz Hot Shot!
1) So where we left off in the first film was that the turtles had succumbed to that all too common plight of the city: homelessness. Where are they living at the moment?
2) Wait … but what is the secret of the ooze?
3) What does the (kind of) hero scientist do to sabotage the dastardly Shredder’s (back from the grave (aka the dump)) plan to create mutant monsters to defeat the turtles?
4) And ultimately what are the turtles’ plan to destroy the mutants in order to defeat shredder?
5) The plan does work BTW, but there is a problem they only realize while listening to that bumping Ninja Rap being performed live at the rundown docks (?) by Vanilla Ice. What is the problem and how do they solve it?
Bonus Question: Wait … where was Casey Jones this entire time?
Bad Movie Twins 