Patrick

Fool’s Paradise Preview

Several weeks later, Patrick is camped out at Freddy’s. His binoculars (or ‘nocks, as the kids call them) have been trained on Jamie’s new, very haunted house ever since he abandoned him to the maze. “Jesus, that house is so haunted,” Patrick mumbles. It’s true, but there is a twinge of jealousy to Patrick’s disapproving tone because the only ghosts he’s seen are totally dope. Ghost skateboards, ghost Mountain Dew, and ghost electric guitars as far as the eye can see. “And none of this is even real!” Patrick yells, “We are in a puzzle box after probably being hypnotized!” This outburst earns him a shush from Freddy. “Shut it, Freddy,” Patrick growls, “This whole world is pain and/or pleasure and yet none of it can wake us up. That’s dumb.” He feels a hand on his shoulder and Freddy is there with a piping hot za. It’s The Pinhead, his favorite. “Aw, I’m sorry, Fred. Thanks. This will really tear up my throat,” Patrick says and this moment of kindness from Freddy brings a tear to his eye. He’s never noticed how cozy it is at Freddy’s. He’s been so focused on getting out of here that he forgot to appreciate what he has. Friendship, the torture machine in the corner that always eats your quarters, the jukebox that never stops playing Summer Girls by LFO, the large book called How to Escape the Maze, the… “What thuuu…” Patrick says dumbly as he picks up the book. Suddenly escape is within reach. He just has to figure out how to get into Jamie’s house and convince him to leave with him. As he raises the ‘nocks back to his face he smiles as he sees Jamie put a sign on his door, “Fool’s Paradise. Rooms Available.” Bingo. That’s right! We’re watching Fool’s Paradise… … … Fooooool’s Paradise. Because we have to for the chain. Let’s go!

Fool’s Paradise (2023) – BMeTric: 43.8; Notability: 54

StreetCreditReport.com – BMeTric: top 7.2%; Notability: top 0.0%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 2.8%; Higher BMeT: The Exorcist: Believer, Meg 2: The Trench, Expend4bles, The Black Demon, Knights of the Zodiac, Best. Christmas. Ever!, Pet Sematary: Bloodlines, 65, The Ritual Killer, Five Nights at Freddy’s, The Out-Laws, Insidious: The Red Door, Maybe I Do, In the Fire, White Men Can’t Jump, Retribution, Hypnotic, Fool’s Paradise; Lower RT: Freelance, The Ritual Killer, 57 Seconds, Expend4bles, In the Fire, On a Wing and a Prayer; Notes: The fact that this tops the notability scale is crazy! It might seem like 54 is low, but all the numbers creep up over time as people get more notable, so there will be some higher ones eventually I think. Then again, the cast here is just so expansive.

RogerEbert.com – 0.5 stars – Hollywood will always be ripe for skewering. It employs too many comedians and takes itself too seriously as a business not to be. Because this topic is so close to home, it means many others have had a few laughs at the industry’s expense already, including Woody Allen mocking their (still growing) number of award shows in “Annie Hall” or even how the Marion Davies comedy “Show People” had fun with the odds characters you meet in entertainment in the 1920s. But “Fool’s Paradise” occupies some mirthless middle ground between “Show People” and the dark Hollywood satire “The Day of the Locust,” and it doesn’t have anything to show for it. Overblown caricatures and stale jokes about “don’t you know who I am?!” and going to see his wife’s shaman are as empty as a finished cup of coffee, and unfortunately, this movie has nothing else to offer for a refill.

(Wow, this is an extremely rare thumbs down from the Roger Ebert site. One star isn’t that crazy, but I can’t remember the last time we saw a real thumbs down. So … that’s exciting.)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3j6b_hevaoY/

(It is a really weird idea … and after watching the film I still don’t really know what it is about. I thought it was about like … a Chaplin-esque guy, but that isn’t at all what the trailer seems to be. It seems more like a weirdo who looks like an actor ends up becoming one while not saying any lines? That might be it I suppose.)

Directors – Charlie Day – ( BMT: Fool’s Paradise; Notes: Legit the only thing he’s directed which is crazy. I would have thought he would have done a few It’s Always Sunny episodes at least before making a giant film with a thousand famous actors.)

Writers – Charlie Day – ( BMT: Fool’s Paradise; Notes: He grew up in Rhode Island and both his parents are musicians which maybe explains why his character on It’s Always Sunny is an amazing musician.)

Actors – Charlie Day – ( Known For: Pacific Rim; Horrible Bosses; Monsters University; The Lego Movie; The Super Mario Bros. Movie; Pacific Rim: Uprising; The Lego Movie 2: The Second Part; Going the Distance; Hotel Artemis; I Want You Back; The Hollars; I Love You, Daddy; How It Ends; A Quiet Little Marriage; Future BMT: Horrible Bosses 2; Vacation; Fist Fight; BMT: Fool’s Paradise; Notes: Majored in Art History and it is indicated he was mostly acting in bit parts and waiting tables when he pitched It’s Always Sunny with his costars.)

Ken Jeong – ( Known For: Avengers: Endgame; The Hangover; Despicable Me; Despicable Me 2; Knocked Up; Pineapple Express; Step Brothers; Role Models; Pain & Gain; Crazy Rich Asians; Turbo; The DUFF; Penguins of Madagascar; The Muppets; Boss Level; My Spy; Scoob!; Over the Moon; Lady and the Tramp; Goosebumps 2: Haunted Halloween; Future BMT: The Hangover Part II; Transformers: Dark of the Moon; The Hangover Part III; Couples Retreat; Vampires Suck; The Goods: Live Hard, Sell Hard; Wonder Park; Norm of the North; BMT: Zookeeper; Ride Along 2; All About Steve; Tom & Jerry; Big Mommas: Like Father, Like Son; Furry Vengeance; Fool’s Paradise; Notes: Famously a doctor who used to do comedy on the side and then once he got his big break (in Knocked Up maybe?) he quit being a doctor and started acting full time. Probably most notable for Community at this point.)

Kate Beckinsale – ( Known For: The Aviator; Contraband; Serendipity; Vacancy; Everybody’s Fine; Stonehearst Asylum; Much Ado About Nothing; Absolutely Anything; Nothing But the Truth; Jolt; Love & Friendship; Laurel Canyon; The Only Living Boy in New York; The Last Days of Disco; Snow Angels; Shooting Fish; Winged Creatures; Haunted; The Trials of Cate McCall; The Face of an Angel; Future BMT: Click; Underworld; Van Helsing; Total Recall; Underworld: Evolution; Underworld: Rise of the Lycans; Underworld: Awakening; Underworld: Blood Wars; Brokedown Palace; The Disappointments Room; BMT: Pearl Harbor; Whiteout; Tiptoes; Fool’s Paradise; Notes: British and both of her parents were British actors as well. Her father in particular was a television actor of some note who died at the very early age of 31. But he was, for example, in 17 episodes of Porridge which is quite a significant British comedy series of the 70s.)

Budget/Gross – N/A / Domestic: $855,173 (Worldwide: $881,743)

(Obviously catastrophic, but it was shelved for years and seems to have been pushed out in limited release just to get a little money and possibly for contractual reasons. I can’t think of another reason honestly.)

Rotten Tomatoes – 18% (8/45): Fool’s Paradise suggests Charlie Day may have a bright future as a director, but he’ll need to find smarter and more consistently funny scripts.

(Ah interesting. Well … he wrote it alone it would seem. But that is still interesting. I do hope he tries again, I think he is quite the talent and getting an interesting (musical?) film out of him would be fun.)

Reviewer Highlight: You’d need to be Blake Edwards to pull this off. One wishes Day had looked further afield than Hollywood for inspiration. – Nicolas Rapold, New York Times

Poster – Foooooool’s Paradise

(Seems like this is a take on a poster that I don’t get… or maybe it’s just whatever. Not sure. I like the yellow and red, though. Font is slightly better than bad. Overall, C. Some good, some bad.)

Tagline(s) – He’s ready for his close-up. (D)

(Huh. Well that’s not funny. I guess they are playing on the poster… his face it super close-up and he seems a bit scared? Don’t like it.)

Keyword(s) – Year 2023

Top 10: Oppenheimer (2023), Barbie (2023), Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 3 (2023), Spider-Man: Across the Spider-Verse (2023), John Wick: Chapter 4 (2023), Ant-Man and the Wasp: Quantumania (2023), The Super Mario Bros. Movie (2023), Dungeons & Dragons: Honor Among Thieves (2023), Mission: Impossible – Dead Reckoning Part One (2023), The Flash (2023)

Future BMT: 84.6 Winnie the Pooh: Blood and Honey (2023), 67.0 The Exorcist: Believer (2023), 48.0 Insidious: The Red Door (2023), 43.5 House Party (2023), 37.2 Paint (2023), 35.8 Freelance (2023), 31.6 The Machine (2023), 27.7 Love Again (2023), 24.9 Aquaman and the Lost Kingdom (2023), 20.9 The Marsh King’s Daughter (2023), 18.4 Nefarious (2023), 9.1 The Shift (2023), 9.1 Camp Hideout (2023), 8.8 Back on the Strip (2023), 8.3 Sweetwater (2023)

BMT: Meg 2: The Trench (2023), Expend4bles (2023), 65 (2023), Five Nights at Freddy’s (2023), Retribution (2023), Hypnotic (2023), Fool’s Paradise (2023), My Big Fat Greek Wedding 3 (2023), Mafia Mamma (2023), About My Father (2023), Haunted Mansion (2023), Fear (2023)

Best Options (Angels In the Outfield): 43.8 Fool’s Paradise (2023), 9.1 The Shift (2023), 9.1 Camp Hideout (2023)

(Yeah and this was really the only option sadly, those other ones are even less of movies than this one! Also you’d think with the expansive cast you’d get some awesome options coming off of it, but nope. We have a pretty solid idea for it, but still, not as good of a chain as you’d expect.)

Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 11) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Kate Beckinsale is No. 3 billed in Fool’s Paradise and No. 2 billed in Pearl Harbor, which also stars Josh Hartnett (No. 3 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 3 billed) => (3 + 2) + (3 + 3) = 11. There is no shorter path at the moment.

Notes – Filmed in 2018, this is one of Ray Liotta’s last films, before his death in 2022.

Charlie Day and Mary Elizabeth Ellis are married in real life, they also star together on It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia.

Of the main cast of It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia (2005) only Glenn Howerton appears. However multiple guest stars & recurring actors from the show appear in this film: Jason Sudeikis, Mary Elizabeth Ellis, Artemis Pebdani, Leonora Pitts, Jimmi Simpson, Lance Barber, Andrew Leeds, Julia Cho, Alanna Ubach, David Hornsby, Lisa Schwartz, Peter Mackenzie, Christine Horn & Christopher Macken.

Charlie Day’s character is named Latte Pronto. In ‘It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia’, in Season 1 Episode 1 around 12:30, Charlie Day is seated at a restaurant and there is a sign with ‘Pronto’ written on it in the background.

Haunted Mansion (2023) Recap

Jamie

Yo yo yo, ghost house with the most house! This movie isn’t really meant to be scary. Or at least I hope not. It’s for little kids. Sure there can be some spooky looking ghost and some kids might not like that, but I remember liking ghostbusters as a kid and that has a load of crazy, creepy ghosts everywhere. That can be fun. So creepy stuff? Yes. Actually scary? No. It did get me thinking whether I’ve ever seen a scary ghost movie. While I’m not a horror fanatic in part because I do get creeped out by them on occasion, those occasions in reality are pretty rare. Insidious? The Conjuring? Those spookify me for sure. But a ghost film? I’d have to say the scariest ghost film I’ve ever seen is… Ghost. Because isn’t the scariest thing in this world lost love? Awwww.

To recap, Ben is a super genius mourning his lost love. One day he is called upon by Kent, a priest who heard he invented a camera that can see ghosts. In need of some cash he agrees to head out to a mansion owned by Gabbie and Travis and take some pictures. Once inside, though, he is dismayed to find that not only are ghosts real, but by stepping inside he is now haunted. Uh oh! Soon they are gathering a whole gang together to figure out what’s going on with this haunting. You ready? Turns out that a man named William Gracey summoned all the ghosts there in a futile attempt to talk to his dead wife. This included Alistair Crump, a super evil ghost aiming to collect enough souls to escape back to the world of the living. He just needs one more soul (bum bum bum) and the soul has to go willingly. But who could be mourning someone they lost so much that they would give into that?… who could it be? Hmmmmm. Oh right, our main character. Anyway, they track down all the clues and find Crump’s hat, which serves as a “possession” that they can use to destroy him. But they quickly realize that Ben’s not the only one in mourning. Travis lost his dad and almost gives into Crump, but Ben rescues him. Then Ben is lured to the edge of giving into his grief, but ultimately flips it on Crump and kicks him back into the underworld. The house is exorcized and Ben and Gabbie smooch. THE END.

Haunted Mansion is a long and kind of boring movie. I think it suffers mostly by leaning too heavily on a cast that just can’t hold your attention through a flimsy script. At times it appeared like they were improvising a la Curb Your Enthusiasm. Often scenes would just end with a character saying they should look in the attic or something with no prompting or reason, as if they plumb forgot to improvise that part. Patrick is right, they should have had them do a seance or something to try to get a ghost to help them in battle and instead they get a bumbling coward ghost. Something fun to look at and to give us some laughs and to help the story from point A to point B. Anyway, the one highlight of the film is that the ending is very sweet and emotional. I actually had tears in my eyes (no lie) when Travis and Ben were trying to overcome their grief and not succumb to Crump’s temptations. They find hope in friendship and family. It’s sweet. Just wish the rest was a little funnier and fun. As for Ghosted, it has the worst first 15 minutes I can remember with some truly dire Apple product placement. After that you get a solid 70 minutes of cute, kinda funny action rom com. Music was terrible and the ending did an unnecessary rip off of John Wick, so overall it kind of shook out as merely mediocre. I expected much, much worse.

Hot Take Clam Bake! They were all dead the whole time! JK, obviously the ghosts were dead. But yeah, Ben was definitely also dead the whole time. Didn’t you think it was odd when Ben taught Gabbie to sculpt oddly phallic vases in the middle of the movie? Or the unexpected money laundering plot? Or when Whoopi Goldberg showed up and won an Oscar? Alright, fine Whoopi Goldberg didn’t win an Oscar for this. She just won a Golden Globe. But the other things definitely happened. Hot Take Temperature: Ghost Fire with the Most Fire.

Patrick?

Patrick

‘Ello everyone! Are we talking about the third Haunted House film and the most soulless one yet? Let’s go!

When I watched this trailer I legit thought it kind of seemed good. I liked bringing in Wilson and Devito, it seemed fun, and there is something about colorful ghosts flying around in an explicitly non-scary horror-adjacent kids film.

Watching it there is a fundamental flaw that tripped the whole movie up: too few ghosts. For the first half of the film (more honestly) you basically see no ghosts. And when you do “see” a ghost it is instead a trash non-picture produced by a magic camera.

The back half is better than the first and you can kind of see where they should have gone the whole time. Ghosts and ghosts and ghosts and ghosts. They still needed more visualization of said ghosts, but at least there were some ghosts in this haunted mansion finally.

The ending got me a bit as well. Grief, a husband mourning his wife, a child mourning his father. That’s some feelings. The whole thing resolves quite cleanly, but definitely the most fun part of the film.

Hot take: They should have had more Casper-like stuff in this. Like … a machine that makes a ghost into a human or some junk. That stuff is fun and nonsense and would be a motivation for Leto (oh yeah he’s in this movie), the kid, and the main character to maybe butt heads about who should (and whether anyone should) use the machine. Especially once they reveal that the machine must consume 1000 souls for eternity to work. See? I think I actually made this already nonsensical movie better by adding more nonsense.

This film was desperately yearning for a Planchet ghost. Alas. There is so much Product Placement (What?) in this film, it is crazy. Burger King is prominently displayed, but the vertical integration of Marvel action figures and (blurg) a Marvel Comics Monopoly set really takes the case. Setting as a Character (Where?) for New Orleans. Secret Holiday Film (When?) since the film ends on Halloween. Wild Coincidence (Why?) alert for them just so happening to stumble onto the house reaching its 1000 ghost milestone just as our heroes arrive. And naturally Worst Twist (How?) for the reveal that the kid’s father has been dead the whole time. I still think this movie is closest to Good despite being kind of soulless and nonsensical, mostly due to Wilson and Devito who are just fun enough to float the more serious roles some of the others are saddled with.

For the friend this cycle we kind of had to do the biggest streaming disaster of the year. I think Ghosted fits the bill. If only this was about g-g-g-g-g-ghosts like The Haunted Mansion. Instead it is about Chris Evans’ constant pursuit of vertical integration between his Apple iPhone and Apple AirTags. Meanwhile Ana de Armas is a spy who then has to drag Evans’ clingy character around on a world tour trying to disarm a bioweapon peddled by Adrian Brody in one of two BMT performances this year (the other is the upcoming Fool’s Paradise). The film eventually gets a bit fun, but it is let down by (1) the initial scene involving the Apple advert is maybe the worst thing I’ve ever seen and instantly soured me on the film, and (2) the music is awwwwwwwwful. I’m mostly convinced the music was actually generated by an algorithm which analyzed songs that play a lot on Apple Music. The needle drops were constant and bizarre and the entire soundtrack was poppy weird inappropriate music. It was truly weird. Also weird that I can’t find a single critic who has a similar complaint, I would have thought it would stick out like a sore thumb there. Anyways, C- I think in that it is harmless, but also soulless and completely void of any reason to watch or ever think about ever again.

Might as well make a fourth one. Read about it in the Quiz. Cheerios,

The Sklogs

Haunted Mansion (2023) Quiz

Oh man, so there I was invited to a dope mansion in Louisiana, when a ghost in a suit of armor popped out and bopped me right on the head with his ax! Now I don’t remember a thing. Do you remember what happened in Haunted Mansion (2023)?

Pop Quiz Hot Shot!

1) We open with a party and a bit of a meetcute, who is meeting and what do each of them do?

2) That meetcute results in tragedy, and now our hero is a little drunk and a little sad. He is approached by a priest though, why specifically does the priest think this person would be useful in investigating this Haunted Mansion?

3) Why do all these people even stay at the mansion?

4) In the end it turns out this is all pretty important. How many souls does Crump (aka spooky Jared Leto) need to … uh, be immortal? But more immortal than I guess he is? And how many souls does he currently have.

5) What is so special about the final soul Leto needs, and who does he choose to give it and why (there are multiple answers)?

Bonus Question: Everything is all cleared up right. What’s this? A call? But from whom could it be?

Answers

Haunted Mansion (2023) Preview

Five days later, Patrick wakes up at Freddy’s Resort, Spa and Pizzeria. It’s actually been a fairly routine four days. Relaxing by the maze, sightseeing in the maze, and all the za you can eat. Each night Patrick expects to awake to whatever nightmare Freddy’s has to offer, but so far no scares to be found. “I’m telling you, Freddy’s isn’t scary,” Jamie insists when he sees the look of concern return to Patrick’s face as night falls. “The only thing scary is how dope this za is,” he says before scarfing down another slice of The Hellraiser. While he wouldn’t normally like a pizza who’s only topping is five pounds of ghost peppers, Patrick has to admit that it’s oddly pleasurable to consume. “Yeah, I’m sorry man. I’ve just been on edge ever since we’ve ended up in this puzzle box to an interdimensional hell,” Patrick admits. “I think I lost sight of what’s important, and that is that you found love with Demon #1 and Demon #2.” He slaps Jamie on the back, who winces in pain. Four night of pleasure (or is it pain?) has left his back shredded like Shredder from the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Jamie smiles, but then his face turns serious. Patrick is suddenly afraid that the other shoe is finally going to drop. “Patrick,” Jamie says, “I have to tell you something.” Patrick holds his breath. “We just… we love it so much here. Freddy’s is a dream and really, what do we have to go back to in the maze?” Jamie’s eyes are filling with tears. “We’re… we’re moving here. We’re… moving there. And I need to do it on my own,” Jamie is pointing at what is clearly a very haunted house. “Say what?” Patrick asks incredulously. That’s right! We are indeed watching a very haunted movie in Haunted Mansion. No, not the Eddie Murphy one (we’ll pick that up at some point), but the new one. You know, the one that would have gone straight to Disney+ a year ago. We are pairing that with Ghosted, a blockbuster Chris Evans/Ana de Armas vehicle that went straight to Apple+ (in this economy?). It was the biggest, baddest streamer we could find. Let’s go!

Haunted Mansion (2023) – BMeTric: 28.2; Notability: 34

StreetCreditReport.com – BMeTric: top 15.6%; Notability: top 2.4%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 22.4%; Higher BMeT: The Exorcist: Believer, Meg 2: The Trench, Expend4bles, The Black Demon, Knights of the Zodiac, Best. Christmas. Ever!, Pet Sematary: Bloodlines, 65, The Ritual Killer, Five Nights at Freddy’s, The Out-Laws, Insidious: The Red Door, Maybe I Do, In the Fire, White Men Can’t Jump, Retribution, Hypnotic, Fool’s Paradise, House Party, Locked In, and 19 more; Higher Notability: Rebel Moon: Part One – A Child of Fire, Fool’s Paradise, Ghosted, Aquaman and the Lost Kingdom, Expend4bles, House Party; Lower RT: Freelance, The Ritual Killer, 57 Seconds, Expend4bles, In the Fire, On a Wing and a Prayer, Fool’s Paradise, The Tutor, Vacation Friends 2, Robots, The Re-Education of Molly Singer, The Out-Laws, Knights of the Zodiac, Mafia Mamma, The Exorcist: Believer, Pet Sematary: Bloodlines, Pain Hustlers, The Family Plan, God Is a Bullet, Rebel Moon: Part One – A Child of Fire, and 28 more; Notes: This year has been a bit odd still. I do hope things return a bit more to normal in 2024 as far as the cinema goes, but with the writer’s strike I fear we are in for another weirdo year of stuff getting pushed around and jockeying for space.

RogerEbert.com – 2.0 stars – “Haunted Mansion” is constructed with the familiar bricks of a Gothic tale, down to the theme of grief that runs throughout. There’s a thoughtful examination of how grief makes us vulnerable while also being able to harness the power of that love to connect with one another and appreciate the lives we lead. There’s also value for family audiences in the nostalgic spookiness that rides along the surface. But with a repeated sourness in the film’s comedic efforts and a tragically misused ensemble, “Haunted Mansion” misses the chance to become a Halloween classic.

(This is a better review than I expected. Spoiler: I mostly agree. The film is more entertaining than it has any right to be, but it also is a lot worse than it needed to be. Some fatal misteps which were entirely avoidable.)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iB_1o3c19y0/

(Wait … that’s Jared Leto? How weird. The film looks very interesting actually, but (spoiler) … yeah they show most of the good parts. The problem with the film is it takes ages before you actually see any ghosts which is pretty unfortunate. The ghosts are the most fun part!)

Directors – Justin Simien – ( Known For: Dear White People; Bad Hair; BMT: Haunted Mansion; Notes: I’ve heard the series Dear White People is pretty good. He seems really young, although his age isn’t on his IMDb.)

Writers – Katie Dippold – ( Known For: Ghostbusters; The Heat; Future BMT: Snatched; BMT: Haunted Mansion; Notes: Wrote 31 episodes of Parks and Rec. Kind of weird she has a solo credit here all things considered. I would think Disney would want to get a few more cooks in there.)

Actors – LaKeith Stanfield – ( Known For: Knives Out; Get Out; Uncut Gems; Straight Outta Compton; Snowden; The Purge: Anarchy; Selma; Short Term 12; Death Note; Judas and the Black Messiah; Dope; Sorry to Bother You; The Harder They Fall; War Machine; Someone Great; Miles Ahead; The Incredible Jessica James; The Photograph; Crown Heights; Come Sunday; Future BMT: The Girl in the Spider’s Web; BMT: Haunted Mansion; Notes: I forgot his was nominated for an Oscar for Judas and the Black Messiah. Played a major role on Atlanta as well.)

Rosario Dawson – ( Known For: Sin City; Death Proof; Unstoppable; Percy Jackson & the Olympians: The Lightning Thief; Zombieland: Double Tap; Grindhouse; 25th Hour; Sin City: A Dame to Kill For; The Lego Batman Movie; Clerks II; Trance; The Rundown; Sorry to Bother You; Kids; Rent; He Got Game; Shattered Glass; The Captive; Jay and Silent Bob Reboot; Top Five; Future BMT: Seven Pounds; Eagle Eye; Alexander; Unforgettable; Ratchet & Clank; Light It Up; BMT: Men in Black II; Space Jam: A New Legacy; Zookeeper; Haunted Mansion; The Adventures of Pluto Nash; Down to You; Notes: A crazy year for her, ended up in Ashoka as well. All over that Disney brand. She was a rare addition to the Rent film adaptation since the original castmember was pregnant and couldn’t do the role.)

Owen Wilson – ( Known For: The Grand Budapest Hotel; Cars; Midnight in Paris; Wedding Crashers; Night at the Museum; Meet the Parents; The Royal Tenenbaums; Zoolander; Fantastic Mr. Fox; Ant-Man and the Wasp: Quantumania; The Darjeeling Limited; Night at the Museum: Battle of the Smithsonian; The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou; The Cable Guy; Wonder; Marley & Me; Starsky & Hutch; The French Dispatch; Shanghai Noon; Night at the Museum: Secret of the Tomb; Future BMT: Meet the Fockers; The Internship; Cars 2; Hall Pass; Little Fockers; You, Me and Dupree; Drillbit Taylor; Masterminds; How Do You Know; Free Birds; Paint; BMT: Armageddon; Behind Enemy Lines; Anaconda; Around the World in 80 Days; The Haunting; Zoolander 2; I Spy; Haunted Mansion; Father Figures; Marmaduke; Notes: Nominated for an Oscar for playing Lightning McQueen in Cars. Joking, he was nominated for writing The Royal Tenenbaums with his long time collaborator Wes Anderson. They met in college in Texas.)

Budget/Gross – $150 million / Domestic: $67,653,287 (Worldwide: $117,449,790)

(Yeah that is quite bad, but the whole streaming thing muddles all this stuff. But it seems doubtful this necessarily moved the needle for Disney in any way. Also weird that they released two different Haunted Mansion films pretty close together.)

Rotten Tomatoes – 37% (94/253): Haunted Mansion’s talented cast makes the movie a pleasant enough destination, although it’s neither scary nor funny enough to wholeheartedly recommend.

(I don’t think it would ever be scary. But yes, I would have imagined it should have been funny. It should have had like … a ghost sidekick or something.)

Reviewer Highlight: There is a mansion, it is haunted, boo, blah, the end. – Manohla Dargis, New York Times

Poster – A Haunting in Orlando

(I’m not sure the cast warrants this poster. You would think the mansion is the star and yet it’s just a little itty bitty thing in the crystal ball. Mistake. Nice font and colors, though. B-.)

Tagline(s) – Home is where the haunt is. (A+++)

(Noooooooo. I appreciate the effort though. I have to make that very clear. I would take a terrible, horrific pun 100 out of 100 times over some generic bullshit. So obviously this gets an A+++)

Keyword(s) – Year 2023

Future BMT: 84.6 Winnie the Pooh: Blood and Honey (2023), 67.0 The Exorcist: Believer (2023), 48.0 Insidious: The Red Door (2023), 43.8 Fool’s Paradise (2023), 43.5 House Party (2023), 37.2 Paint (2023), 35.8 Freelance (2023), 31.6 The Machine (2023), 27.7 Love Again (2023), 24.9 Aquaman and the Lost Kingdom (2023), 20.9 The Marsh King’s Daughter (2023), 18.4 Nefarious (2023), 9.1 The Shift (2023), 9.1 Camp Hideout (2023), 8.8 Back on the Strip (2023), 8.3 Sweetwater (2023)

BMT: Meg 2: The Trench (2023), Expend4bles (2023), 65 (2023), Five Nights at Freddy’s (2023), Retribution (2023), Hypnotic (2023), My Big Fat Greek Wedding 3 (2023), Mafia Mamma (2023), About My Father (2023), Haunted Mansion (2023), Fear (2023)

Best Options (imdb-keyword-haunted-house): 28.1 Haunted Mansion (2023)

(I genuinely thought maybe there would be some odd Haunted House one there, but naw, this was the only one. Whatever,)

Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 15) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Rosario Dawson is No. 1 billed in Haunted Mansion and No. 2 billed in Zookeeper, which also stars Kevin James (No. 1 billed) who is in Pixels (No. 2 billed) which also stars Adam Sandler (No. 1 billed) who is in Jack and Jill (No. 1 billed) which also stars Al Pacino (No. 2 billed) who is in 88 Minutes (No. 1 billed) which also stars Leelee Sobieski (No. 3 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 1 billed) => (1 + 2) + (1 + 2) + (1 + 1) + (2 + 1) + (3 + 1) = 15. If we were to watch Like a Boss we can get the HoE Number down to 14.

Notes – Gracey Manor is modeled after the original Disneyland Haunted Mansion. Crump Manor is modeled after Magic Kingdom’s Haunted Mansion at Walt Disney World.

The namesake of “William Gracey” and the “Gracey Manor” (the Haunted Mansion’s mansion name), stems from Yale Gracey, a Disney Imagineer and member of the Academy of Magical Arts (their clubhouse is The Magic Castle in Hollywood, CA). Yale was the one who created a modernized version of “Pepper’s Ghost Illusion.” He showed a model to Walt Disney, who loved it and honored Yale by calling the mansion “The Gracey Mansion.” Today, the attraction still holds the largest display of Pepper’s Ghost Illusion in the world (it is the dining room scene with the ghosts flying around the table). The original, working, model is still on display at The Magic Castle in Hollywood, California.

The chair in which Harriet is seated at the spirit session, and in which she is later expelled from the Mansion, resembles the ride vehicles, known as “Doombuggies”, in the Haunted Mansion ride in the Disney parks.

Eddie Murphy, star of The Haunted Mansion (2003), was invited back to make a cameo appearance but was turned down when he demanded $500,000 for one days work.

Vic, the cohost at Crump Manor, can be briefly heard to play the theme to another Disney attraction, “it’s a Small World,” on the piano.

Five Nights at Freddy’s Recap

Jamie

As we churn through films (and particularly as the year’s crop gets decimated by the Good Review Plague sweeping the BMT movie fields) sometimes we have to look in the mirror and ask… wait… shouldn’t we just do the best (read: worst) movie available? It’s amazing to look back and see how we valiantly stayed the course through the storm that was straight-to-streaming releases. We (mostly) avoided dipping our toes too far onto that slippery slope and years later it looks like the storm may have passed and it’s a beautiful story of courage. But now it’s not the theaters that are too empty, but rather the pockets of the reviewers are too full (only kinda kidding). Luckily this time the changes we can implement involve watching better (read: worse) BMT films. So for “Achievement” we originally put in the remake of House Party. It vaguely fit the category and yet… why? If the crops are so lean, shouldn’t we pick the best fruit available instead of, you know, eating rotten fruit. A+ analogy.

To recap, Mike is having a tough time. His parents died leaving him in charge of his kid sister Abby. Add a conniving aunt looking to take custody of the girl and an inability to keep a job due to his obsession with the long past kidnapping of his younger brother and things are looking rough. In a last ditch effort to keep Abby he agrees to take a job as the night security guard at a defunct Chuck E. Cheese style restaurant called Freddy Fazbears’s Pizza. The place is creepy, filled with giant animatronic robots, and a police officer lady Vanessa is all up in his business, but as they say, “It’s a living.” (or is it… the opposite? Bum bum bum). As part of his obsession, Mike lucid dreams about the day his brother was kidnapped and finds that in Freddy’s he interacts with a bunch of kids that claim they can find his brother’s killer. Add on top of this that when he brings his sister he finds that the animatronic animals are actually “alive” and she can talk with them and they love her. We know this is bad news though, as the aunt hired a bunch of vandals to break into the Freddy’s and we see the robots rip them to shreds. Vanessa is pissed. He has to take this seriously. Mike leaves Abby with the aunt one of the nights and dreams about the kids. He accepts their offer to take Abby in exchange for having the younger brother back and in real life we see the robots (really the ghost kids) kidnap Abby. He returns to Freddy’s and is able to stop the robots, but his employment officer shows up and reveals that he’s the killer of the kids (and Mike’s brother) and that Vanessa is his daughter (what a twist!). He aims to kill them all, but Abby is able to draw pictures for the robots that reveal the evil of the man. They turn on him and everyone lives happily ever after (besides all the people who died). THE END.

Horror is in an interesting spot. This and M3gan were the two big smashes of the year and they are simply not scary. But I think that is kind of the point. They are baby horror. The audience isn’t there to throw up in the aisles. They are there to get a few scares while also getting their daily dose of memes (the FDA now recommends at least two memes a day for anyone under 17 years of age). So that’s one problem with the movie. The other is that the ending doesn’t make much sense. Matthew Lillard was obviously the bad guy (you don’t get MLil on board for nothing) but his motivation and plan are nonsense. Anyway, the point is that this is not a good horror film, nor is it a good film film, but… I still liked it. It’s fun. Interesting story, fun big robots (especially the cupcake), and Hutcherson does a good job. I had a good time watching it. I thought it was actually quite a bit better than M3gan because the setting, situation, and characters were more interesting and likable. So take that, M3gan! I like Five Nights at Freddy’s better!

Hot Take Clam Bake! It was all a dream, duh. You guys didn’t get that? I mean, the whole film is about a kid who lucid dreams about solving his kid brother’s murder. So you think he does that with the help of a bunch of ghosts in the Chuck E. Cheese machines? You think that makes sense? Dreams never really make sense when you think through the logic and details and check out the ending? Does Matthew Lillard’s motivations and plan make sense? Nope. It’s a dream. You just got tricked by a dumb dream movie. Hot Take Temperature: Pizza.

Patrick?

Patrick

‘Ello everyone! Are we talking about a plotless game being made into a film only fans of said game like because it isn’t scary and mostly confuses people? Let’s go!

Kind of fun.

But only kind of.

Because (checks notes) it isn’t scary and mostly confused me. Joking about the second, the story is really straightforward. But no, it isn’t scary.

I think I need to steal Jamie’s bit for a second. Hot take: this isn’t a horror film. As a matter of fact, I think a lot of horror films (of the bad variety mostly) aren’t really horror films. They are thrillers. M3gan fits the bill as well. It is like calling Meg 2: The Trench a horror film. Are creature features horror films? I guess. Is Jaws a horror film? I guess. But really they are something else because they aren’t meant to scare, but rather to shock and thrill. M3gan is like a techno-thriller, although that is a little closer because it gets close to slasher. But once you cross the rubicon and reach to expand your audience I think you can easily cross over from slasher (horror) to serial killer film (thriller). Is Silence of the Lambs a horror film? I guess it could be classified as such.

My point is that horror has become too large of a tent. We need to be much clearer about what we are getting. This film is closer to a serial killer thriller than a slasher I think, partially because the body count is too low, and partially because the primary focus of the film is the investigation and pursuit of a serial killer. As a serial killer thriller it also sucks because it doesn’t thrill and the serial killer isn’t interesting. It suddenly tacks into the supernatural, when the serial killer itself should be far more specifically what the film is about. Also, as a small supernatural-adjacent serial killer thriller The Black Phone is superior (and also distinctly flawed).

Come at me. I love genres, and I think there needs to be more of them. And when you cross genre bounds and become a mix (like a horror-comedy) either both sides of the genre equation have to be good (rare), or it has to be more specifically one (like Shaun of the Dead, which is obviously a comedy, not a horror film really). This is more of a thriller and it sucks at it really, but it takes way too long to get to the point where you realize it is a serial killer film anyways.

The actors are game though and the young cast in particular were fun. I would be interested to see any of them in anything else.

Let’s go with MacGuffin (Why?) for the missing brother which motivates the main character’s entire arc. And Worst Twist (How?) for the obvious reveal that the only other major character (played by Matthew Lillard) is the murderer, duh. This film is closest to Good I think, despite being not scary it is a halfway decent thriller film in the end.

I’m going to try and make a version of this movie that is more my speed in the Quiz. Cheerios,

The Sklogs

Five Nights at Freddy’s Quiz

Oh man, get this. I was hanging at my weirdo security job with really creepy animatronic puppets, when one came to life and bopped me right on the head. Now I don’t remember a thing! Do you remember what happened in Five Nights at Freddy’s?

Pop Quiz Hot Shot!

1) When we meet our hero he is a bit worse for wear. First, he barely sleeps. What does he do instead?

2) Second, he doesn’t have a job. Why not? What happened with his last job?

3) Finally, his aunt is pestering him. Why does she want to take his baby sister from him?

4) Welp, whatever. In the end we learn that at his new security job there are living animatronic puppets. Who / what are in the puppets though?

5) And finally, who’s in the puppet suit?

Bonus Question: Much like a video game this demands a sequel. In the mid-credits scene Hutcherson receives a call. Who’s there?

Answers

Five Nights at Freddy’s Preview

Patrick crashes through the swinging doors of the kitchen only to find himself back in the fancy restaurant, now even fancier as it is the site of Jamie’s wedding. “The great thing about this wedding is that it’s not just one wedding. Because I couldn’t choose just one bride. Isn’t that great!” Jamie says to the amusement of his guests. He sees Patrick and comes scurrying over. “Where have you been?” For a moment Jamie appears angry but then his face softens. “I’m really nervous,” he admits. Patrick looks around at the guests and finds that he’s also nervous. They are horrific creatures of darkness that only know suffering and pain (or is it pleasure?). “Hey can we talk about this?” Patrick says quietly, but Jamie isn’t listening. “Sure, sure, but first I got two weddings to get to. Three if you count your vow renewal ceremony. Your wife is coming, right?” Patrick stares back at him blankly. “Perfect. Just perfect,” Jamie glowers, “well more wedding for me.” With that he hops up on stage and snaps at the demon priestess to get the show on the road. Rusty hooks fly out from the walls and stab into Jamie’s flash. The priestess places what looks like a tiny bear trap on Jamie’s finger and he stammers out how much he loves Nerdy Demon and a weak, “This sure is nice. I’m getting so much pleasure from this.” Tears stream down his face as he turns to Sultry Demon and can only whimper, “Jesus wept.” The demon brides, delighted, tear at Jamie with their claws to complete the ceremony. Jamie turns painfully to Patrick and holds up some tickets. “And as a final present I want you and yours to join us on the honeymoon. A relaxing five nights at….” That’s right! Five Nights at Freddy’s! You’re probably all like “But wait, I know your cycle inside and out and how in the world is Five Nights at Freddy’s in the Achievement slot? The answer is ‘why not?’ We already completed the year. That’s the achievement. So let us do one of the biggest critical flops of the year that doubles as one of the biggest surprise hits of the year. Let’s go!

Five Nights at Freddy’s (2023) – BMeTric: 50.1; Notability: 17

StreetCreditReport.com – BMeTric: top 3.6%; Notability: top 12.0%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 16.8%; Higher BMeT: The Exorcist: Believer, Meg 2: The Trench, Expend4bles, The Black Demon, Knights of the Zodiac, Best. Christmas. Ever!, Pet Sematary: Bloodlines, 65, The Ritual Killer; Higher Notability: Rebel Moon: Part One – A Child of Fire, Fool’s Paradise, Ghosted, Aquaman and the Lost Kingdom, Expend4bles, House Party, Haunted Mansion, Heart of Stone, The Out-Laws, Meg 2: The Trench, Old Dads, My Big Fat Greek Wedding 3, 65, Your Place or Mine, White Men Can’t Jump, Vacation Friends 2, The Exorcist: Believer, About My Father, The Family Plan, Insidious: The Red Door, and 10 more; Lower RT: Freelance, The Ritual Killer, 57 Seconds, Expend4bles, In the Fire, On a Wing and a Prayer, Fool’s Paradise, The Tutor, Vacation Friends 2, Robots, The Re-Education of Molly Singer, The Out-Laws, Knights of the Zodiac, Mafia Mamma, The Exorcist: Believer, Pet Sematary: Bloodlines, Pain Hustlers, The Family Plan, God Is a Bullet, Rebel Moon: Part One – A Child of Fire, and 16 more; Notes: We had to pivot to this to some extent because we watched Fear … possibly the biggest blunder in recent BMT history. This movie seems far more fun even if it is probably “better”.

RogerEbert.com – 2.0 stars – You ultimately don’t need to care that much about why Abby bonds so quickly with Freddy and the gang, or why Vanessa knows so much about Freddy. But it might have helped if the movie’s programmatic jump scares and mostly unremarkable performances were more memorable. As it is, the movie is both too fast and too slow to be either shocking or moving enough. “Five Nights at Freddy’s” might satisfy the series’ established fans, but everyone else will have to look elsewhere for fun.

(Yup, this is exactly what I heard, that the film was very solid for people who knew the games (and the lore) but no so much otherwise. And I do know stuff about the games since I’ve vaguely watched videos of people playing it. So maybe that bodes well.)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X4d_v-HyR4o/

(I wonder if the kind-of-too-famous guy in the trailer is the bad guy … looks kind of fun, but I can already tell it ends up being more silly than scary in reality. The kill where the girl gets eaten by the robot seems potentially fun though.)

Directors – Emma Tammi – ( Known For: The Wind; BMT: Five Nights at Freddy’s; Notes: She wrote this as well and will be writing I think both a second and third film maybe.)

Writers – Scott Cawthon – ( BMT: Five Nights at Freddy’s; Notes: Huh. The video game creator, but also back in the 90s he used to make bad looking CGI Christian films. So he seems like a 3D artist.)

Seth Cuddeback – ( BMT: Five Nights at Freddy’s; Notes: Nothing else of note, I think the weird bit is that all of these people have future credits on the sequels. I would assume at least a few just did a pass on the first, so I don’t know why IMDb would be thinking they would be attached to the second unless they either are, or there is some default thing happening.)

Emma Tammi – ( BMT: Five Nights at Freddy’s; Notes: She also directed a bit of Into the Dark which is a horror anthology television show.)

Chris Lee Hill – ( Known For: Tragedy Girls; V/H/S/99; Patchwork; Blowing Up Right Now; BMT: Five Nights at Freddy’s; Notes: Alright, here we go. This person definitely was a “horror” person they had do a pass on the script since they are not attached to the sequels.)

Tyler MacIntyre – ( Known For: Tragedy Girls; V/H/S/99; Patchwork; BMT: Five Nights at Freddy’s; Notes: Huh, was mostly an editor (and not even of horror films necessarily), but seems to have tacked to writing pretty high profile horror in the past few years.)

Actors – Josh Hutcherson – ( Known For: The Hunger Games; The Hunger Games: Catching Fire; The Hunger Games: Mockingjay – Part 1; The Hunger Games: Mockingjay – Part 2; The Polar Express; Bridge to Terabithia; The Disaster Artist; The Kids Are All Right; Journey to the Center of the Earth; Zathura: A Space Adventure; Journey 2: The Mysterious Island; Epic; American Splendor; Kicking & Screaming; Little Manhattan; Escobar: Paradise Lost; Detention; Tragedy Girls; Winged Creatures; Burn; Future BMT: RV; Cirque du Freak: The Vampire’s Assistant; Firehouse Dog; BMT: Red Dawn; Five Nights at Freddy’s; Notes: He is in probably one of the more anticipated early year BMT films, The Beekeeper starring Jason Statham. I really hope that hits so we can get a nice Winter Season live in.)

Piper Rubio – ( BMT: Five Nights at Freddy’s; Notes: Probably most notable for a recent four episode turn on For All Mankind.)

Elizabeth Lail – ( Known For: Gonzo Girl; Future BMT: Mack & Rita; BMT: Five Nights at Freddy’s; Countdown; Notes: Was recently in You (the Netflix show) which I think must be finished by now since I think it was intended to only go four seasons.)

Budget/Gross – $20 million / Domestic: $137,275,620 (Worldwide: $290,501,123)

(Jesus Christ … I mean … Jesus Christ. Yeah, that’s why you play the game. Horror can really just print money. This film only cost $20 million (basically a set and some dark hard to see CGI I guess, only need one reasonably priced star), so that is a lot of dough.)

Rotten Tomatoes – 31% (66/211): Loaded with Easter eggs, Five Nights at Freddy’s may be fun to watch for fans of the game, but most viewers of any other persuasion will find this adaptation muddled and decidedly unscary.

(Yes. This is everything I’ve heard about the film. That it isn’t a good film, but (as Ebert used to say) it is good for what it is. Although I actually think the reviews are like: it’s bad for what it is but also the fans will like it.)

Reviewer Highlight: You may chuckle, but it’s hard to tell if the movie is laughing with you. – Natalia Winkelman, New York Times

Poster – Five Crazy Nights

(I find this surprisingly boring. I like the sign, obviously, but otherwise seems a little ‘blah’ for a film about a killer Chuck E. Cheese or whatever. Some of the alternated are better. C+.)

Tagline(s) – Can you survive? (D)

(Nah. That’s no fun. Think of how many films this could apply to.)

Keyword(s) – Year 2023

Future BMT: 84.6 Winnie the Pooh: Blood and Honey (2023), 67.0 The Exorcist: Believer (2023), 48.0 Insidious: The Red Door (2023), 43.8 Fool’s Paradise (2023), 43.5 House Party (2023), 37.2 Paint (2023), 35.8 Freelance (2023), 31.6 The Machine (2023), 28.1 Haunted Mansion (2023), 27.7 Love Again (2023), 24.9 Aquaman and the Lost Kingdom (2023), 20.9 The Marsh King’s Daughter (2023), 18.4 Nefarious (2023), 9.1 The Shift (2023), 9.1 Camp Hideout (2023), 8.8 Back on the Strip (2023), 8.3 Sweetwater (2023)

Best Options (imdb-keyword-based-on-video-game): 50.1 Five Nights at Freddy’s (2023)

(I didn’t expect to see another video game film available. I was just curious. Given the success of the Super Mario Bros. this year though I guess I wouldn’t have been survived if I forgot some other film was based on a video game.)

Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 11) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Matthew Lillard is No. 4 billed in Five Nights at Freddy’s and No. 3 billed in Wicker Park, which also stars Josh Hartnett (No. 1 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 3 billed) => (4 + 3) + (1 + 3) = 11. If we were to watch Firehouse Dog we can get the HoE Number down to 10.

Notes – Because of Foxy’s skeletal-like structure, he was built as a full-body animatronic puppet and performed by Russ Walko, along with a group of puppeteers from Jim Henson’s Creature Shop. In shots where Foxy walked, it took as many as six puppeteers to accomplish his full range of movements.

Unlike most studios using CGI for bringing creatures to life, Jim Henson’s Creature Shop was responsible for the creation of the Fazbear animatronics.

The animatronic characters were performed by puppeteers from Jim Henson’s Creature Shop. For shots where the characters weren’t moving, the puppeteers would control both the head and body movements. In the rare instances where a character would walk or dance, a stunt performer would don the costume while the puppeteers controlled the heads remotely.

Even before the movie was released, producer Jason Blum said that it had already made back its budget from selling the streaming and theatrical distribution rights.

In August 2018, Scott Cawthon said that if the first film were to be successful, there could be a second and third film, following the events of the second and third games, respectively. In January 2023, in an interview on the podcast WeeklyMTG, Matthew Lillard revealed he signed a three-picture deal with the studios.

My Big Fat Greek Wedding 3 Recap

Jamie

Ah, the BMT double. It’s not an easy thing to do. There have been times when Bonus films were more regular (or maybe I’m just remembering it that way). But back then we also didn’t write much (or really anything) about the movies we watched. Our thoughts, our jokes, our thokes (those are thoughts that also act as jokes) were lost to the sands of time. To preserve our thoughts, though, makes a double quite the burden, so you know when we do it it’s probably because it’s a really, really good BMT film. *Looks over at My Big Fat Greek Wedding 3* Or maybe we just want to burn through this franchise and hope it doesn’t rise from the dead in 2030.

To recap, the Portokalos’ are back, Jack! Well at least some of them. A bunch of the family was quite old so of course some have passed and others have incurable neurodegenerative diseases (fun!). So when the family gets a letter about a reunion in their father’s village in Greece they set up a trip for them to go and represent their deceased father. Off they jet for Greece and we are treated to many beautiful vistas before arriving in what seems like a ghost town. Turns out the town has suffered and the reunion is more of a gambit to revive the town. Toula is trying to track down her father’s three childhood friends to give them his journal, but can’t find them anywhere. This issue is quite easily resolved as Toula’s husband chats with a local who is like “oh yeah, here’s where they all are.” Meanwhile, they discover a previously unknown half-brother from their father’s former flame who has a son who wants to marry a refugee (read: non-Greek). This also turns out OK as everyone is like “oh… uh, sure.” Invitations go out, the childhood friends are found, and the town is revived in time for the (you guessed it) impromptu wedding. As one final parting plot we find out that Toula’s daughter Paris is failing college because she partied too hard and so she’s resisting getting into a relationship with a boy she likes. But then she’s like YOLO and they make out. Oh and they decide to scatter their father’s ashes in Greece. THE END.

Oh boy. I’ll start with the good news. The film looks quite beautiful. I read that this is because Vardalos (who directed this one) insisted that they film on real film because Greece is so beautiful that she felt like digital wouldn’t do it justice. Good on you. It does look beautiful. In particular there are some night shots that look really nice. Alright, now for the bad news. This film is a mess. Shots don’t go with other shots. ADR is needed just to make scenes make sense. There is a scene on a rooftop where continuity is broken in almost every shot and I thought I was going crazy. There’s a joke that only works if the punchline isn’t in subtitles so instead of not doing any subtitles they do subtitles for the first part of the conversation and then drop them part way through… I thought the DVD was broken. But no, the joke was just broken. It’s insane directing. I also love Patrick pointing out that the film takes place less than a year after the second. Half the family has died… it’s been a tough year.

Hot Take Clam Bake! We aren’t done. You can take that to the bank. There is just no way we don’t have a “Paris is getting married” fourth film. It’s the natural conclusion. My prediction is that Aristotle (the beau from this film) has an even crazier Greek family. It’s a crazy Greek family face off. Literally Face/Off. They take each others’ faces… off. Toula exchanges faces with Aristotle’s mother in order to make sure Aristotle’s heart is pure. Hot Take Temperature: Started out as cool as the Mediterranean Sea and ended like a scorching Athens summer.

Patrick?

Patrick

‘Ello everyone! Time to make yo money! That’s right, we have to make this guy a vacation hot spot so that we can get money from the tourism board and also go on vacation while pretending to make a comedy. Let’s go!

Yeah so this film is weird. You’d think there would be like … a wedding in it? And there is. Don’t get me wrong. But it is buried so deeply within this Russian nesting doll of a movie it is hard to even recall who got married. I need to do my own recap just to convince myself this film is real.

The family is going to Greece because the father died and he wants his notebook given to his like … childhood friends he hasn’t seen since literally like the 40s or something? Meanwhile the mother straight up has dementia which is basically not resolved.

An aside: everyone looks really old in this film despite it literally taking place six months after the first film … that’s a mistake, but whatever. Why they didn’t just jump to the daughter’s wedding is beyond me.

They get to the village and outside of it there are all these migrants from Syria, and inside of it no one lives except a weirdo who is mayor and an old lady and her son who it turns out is their relative. Cool.

Yada yada yada they wander around a bunch, they reveal the daughter pretty much failed out of NYU, Joey Fatone and the other sister fly out to Greece and wander around, and the husband befriends a monk who just tells him where to find the people they are looking for, a little Deas Ex Monkina (heyyyyooooooooooo).

Regardless, can you tell this film is nonsensical? It looks great. But it makes no sense. Which is mostly what they key in on in all of the reviews.

But for real … why are we watching the long lost cousin marrying a Syrian migrant in Greece when we could instead be watching the daughter get married to someone in like Los Angeles and that be the whole culture clash instead. Then we could save the Greek trip for the fourth (Which I would call My Big Fat Greek Family Reunion or something).

I have to put a Product Placement (What?) for Greece, but also Tostitos which is so in your face it makes the trailer. And yeah, Setting as a Character (Where?) for Greece as well. They manufacture a ridiculous MacGuffin (Why?) in the form of the journal which no one should at all care about. And why not, Worst Twist (How?) for the reveal that the brother brought the dad’s ashes over to spread on some thinking tree in Greece or whatever. I think this is an actual BMT film, although it is close to maybe just being kind of good. I just feel like it is BMT because it is totally ridiculous while also not necessarily being the worst thing I’ve ever seen which is kind of a recipe for being a little entertaining at least.

Finally, although now for the My Big Fat Greek Wedding and Father of the Bride crossover we’d been waiting for! That’s in the quiz. Cheerios,

The Sklogs

My Big Fat Greek Wedding 2 Recap

Jamie

Hey there, it’s me, Franchise Man. The superhero the world doesn’t want (but I know they need). I’m here to just remind you that franchises are great (It’s my superpower). Usually they start small, the plucky little upstart horror movie that blossoms into a fully realized world filled with self-conflicting lore. It’s beautiful. What is Jason? (you might ask) Well the Friday the 13th movies are there to give you several different answers to that question. What is Greek? That’s where the My Big Fat Greek Wedding franchise steps in. Every 8 years or so they drop one on us to remember that families exist, they can be Greek, and are there to ruin your life. As Franchise Man I don’t endorse the messages of all franchises, I only endorse their continued existence. So sit back, relax, and enjoy.

To recap, the Portokalos’ are back, Jack! They couldn’t stop Toula’s wedding in the first movie so now they are stuck with her half Greek family in the mix. But that’s not the point of this movie. No, the point is… wait, isn’t this supposed to be about a wedding? Not yet. See, the family is getting older, relying more on Toula and this puts strain on her family. This is particularly important as their daughter, Paris, is looking at colleges and they dearly want her to stay in Chicago. At the same time her father Gus decides to prove to the world that he is in fact related to Alexander the Great. In doing so he finds that, uh oh, he and his wife were never actually married. In the hurry to get to America the priest never signed the marriage certificate. Gus finds this funny, but Maria decides to hang it over his head as she feels like he doesn’t appreciate her. This creates a lot of kooky situations, but ultimately when he has a fall and has to go to the hospital he realizes his error and pleads for her to marry him again. In prepping for the wedding the planner quits because the family is insane and so they all work together to make sure the wedding goes off without a hitch. Or at least almost no hitches. Ultimately, Paris gets accepted at both NYU and Northwestern and ends up realizing she really does want to leave. Everyone understands and it’s fine. THE END.

Starting with the first film (which I had never seen), I thought it was very cute. I particularly liked how Toula realized she wanted to be a better version of herself, put in the work, and made it happen… that’s the beginning of the film. The love interest doesn’t even really show up until a third of the way through the film. Sure, the dad was legitimately mean to his daughter and it kind of made me sad to think that that is a real thing for people in the world, but besides that I liked it. The second film seemed to think that the kooky family was the only thing people liked because they cranked that up from 40% to 80% and left the plot in the dust. It still didn’t quite feel like a BMT film, though, as it was still a pleasant watch. Possibly it suffered by comparison (even if it is clearly considerably worse than the first film).

Hot Take Clam Bake! This is a minor point, but throughout the whole movie Paris is like “get out of my beeswax, I’m not going to Greek Club, stop pressuring me to date a Greek boy.” All while crushing on a boy in her class… who turns out to be Greek. Bullshit. There is no way this girl would be eyeing the kid and not know he was Greek. Even if she didn’t go to Greek Club she would still have seen him at some big Greek festival at some point, or in the Greek School, or in a load of places. Also, shouldn’t he have a giant family trailing him at all times? I’ve been led to believe that is standard operating procedure for a Greek family. My conclusion? That kid ain’t Greek. Just a liar. Hot Take Temperature: Piping Hot Spanakopita.

Patrick?

Patrick

‘Ello everyone! Are we talking about a long awaited sequel to a beloved classic where we just run it back and it just isn’t nearly as charming as we remember? Let’s go!

I obviously watched the first film prior to viewing this, so let’s start there. That film was pretty charming. And they did quite a good job turning the main character into “Frump Girl” and in the end her relationship to her eventual husband kind of rings true because you can tell the character is initially charmed by her, and then is charmed again without even knowing it is the same person. That is funny.

I’ve known a lot of Greek people in my day, but unlike Jamie none of them really resembled the characters in the film. Sure … a few were genuine weirdos with weird attitudes about their work and stuff, but I always thought that was because they were weirdos. … Was it not? Hard to tell.

And ultimately the only issue with the first film really is that the father’s character has aged like milk. What a crybaby. Oh my daughter isn’t going to marry a Greek person. It’ll kill me. Get over it! And in the end he does. But still, I feel like there is a level of “okay Boomer” that maybe applies here that would come from a genuine place and be like … yeah, we probably don’t need to pay attention to that old guy telling his 20-something year old daughter that she looks old and crying about her not marrying a Greek guy. Just saying. Still, the first film was super fun in the end.

The second film isn’t as much. I think they picked a good storyline. I think it probably should have been a different wedding though. In reality it was right there. Joey Fatone. He’s gay and he wants to get married but can they even have a Greek Gay Wedding? Sure why not. That’s what I would have done. Dang … I might have spoiled the Quiz movie now that I think about it. I’ll get more into Fatone there though and also tell the story of how Joey Fatone performed at my Bachelor Party though so you can have fun with that.

The film is far too similar to the original though and it ends up just begging the question as to why it even exists. This is the thing though … Fatone! We need a new angle. And gay wedding is definitely that angle. What a missed opportunity, and it was sitting right there for them.

The ever present Product Placement (What?) for Windex which seems like a far far too specific thing that was just about the main character’s father and no one else. These films all have decent Setting as a Character (Where?) here for Chicago. I kind of love the Totally Ridiculous Reason (Why?) for the film to even exist in that the parents weren’t actually married years and years ago, like what is that? Nonsense. I think the movie is closest to Good, but I do that reluctantly and only because I still found the main couple quite charming.

Alright, My Big Fat Gay Greek Wedding is in the quiz. Then we’ll deal with the fourth one in the next recap. Cheerios,

The Sklogs

My Big Fat Greek Wedding 3 Quiz

Oh man, so get this. This time I have to fly to Greece to do a bunch of stuff, again for my parents. And (again) I fell unconscious from exhaustion and can’t remember a thing … you think I should see a doctor about this? Whatever, do you remember what happened in My Big Fat Greek Wedding 3?

Pop Quiz Hot Shot!

1) We, again, might as start here: who is the titular wedding between in this film?

2) Why are they going to Greece in the first place?

3) What is the deep dark secret that the daughter is harboring?

4) How do they figure out where the father’s friends are who moved away from the town long ago?

5) And what is the big concern of the very young mayor about the father’s hometown in the film? How does she solve this problem and become a very good mayor?

Bonus Question: We remaking it. We need a new person getting married for the third, so who gets married in the whole new third film?

Answers