Category: Comedy

Jury Duty Recap

Jamie

Have I told the story where I thought the quote “That’s nice, Peanut” came from this movie because the dog’s name is Peanut (even though that doesn’t make sense)? But turns out it came from an equally quality film Celtic Pride? Yes, only a million times? Great. Just wanted to make sure it was clear that those two films were prominent enough in my cultural upbringing that I could mix up a quote from one with the other because I remembered (for eternity, apparently) the name of the dog in a Pauly Shore vehicle. The only other thing I remembered vividly from this film was the conjugal visit scene where Shore dresses up like a woman in order to see the man on trial. They then have a series of homophobic mix-up’s which results in the implication that they make love… which as a child was totally bewildering.

To recap, Tommy is a loser. He doesn’t have a job and even when his family tries to help him out he can’t help himself. When his mom and her boyfriend take the trailer and head off to Vegas, Tommy is left homeless and remembers that he has an opportunity to earn some quick cash (and a place to stay) on jury duty. He heads to the courthouse where after some searching finds a death penalty case for a serial killer, Carl Wayne Bishop. After getting himself on the jury, they head off to a swanky hotel that isn’t so swanky as most of it is being renovated. To make matters worse, Tommy is sharing a room with his high school principal (ha!). To get around this he convinces the manager of the hotel, who is struggling to book rooms during the renovation, to put him up in the nice part of the hotel in exchange for free advertising. At this point he is fully enjoying himself (and fallen in love with a fellow juror, Monica) and so when they head to the jury room he gets himself elected foreman and proceeds to plant the seeds for a drawn out deliberation. But the more he argues the more he is convincing a number of people that something is off. Just as they are ready to find Bishop innocent, the jurors find out about his dope digs and a mistrial is declared. Later, as he’s collecting trash with his stepfather, Tommy realizes that the connection between all the victims in the trial was styrofoam and that the killer was a deranged environmentalist. He tries to call Monica, but she won’t talk to him, so he tracks down Frank, another Juror who was a deranged environmentalist… wait a second! That’s right, Tommy walks right into the real killer, who was on the jury the whole time. A climactic action scene commences which results in good vanquishing evil and Tommy finding his purpose in life: the law. THE END.

I certainly have a fond recollection of Jury Duty. My new recollection of the film is less kind. The opening scene is actually kind of funny. Everyone appears disgusted by Shore and he doesn’t totally understand why. So it starts out at least recognizing that not everyone would be game for the Pauly Shore experience. From there the logic in the film makes almost no sense. There is the primary twist: the murderer was serving on the jury the whole time after tricking another potential juror to let him take his place. But like… this requires the murderer to have planned to frame the dude on trial. Did he find an insane person who threatens everyone he works with and follow him around killing his coworkers. And then when it came time to frame him his tasered him and left him at a crime scene and the cops were like… cool with that? And then he got on the jury and… did nothing? All for the environment? It is incomprehensible if you allow yourself the luxury of trying to understand it. As it is, it just feels like a low-grade spoof film they turned into a Shore vehicle. Also the conjugal visit scene is even worse than I remember. It is one of the worst things ever put to film.

Hot Take Clam Bake! Do I even have to say it? Pauly Shore does not make it through law school no matter how much this jury duty experience may have inspired him. As a result, I hate to say it, but Monica and Tommy… they don’t make it or the long haul. Sad, but true. Finally, despite what they show at the end of the film, Peanut does not have a successful run on Jeopardy. This isn’t an Air Bud scenario. I’m willing to bet there is in fact a rule against a dog (who has no way of effectively communicating with humans) being a contestant. Hot Take Temperature: Milk Man Scene.

Patrick?

Patrick

‘Ello everyone! *gif of me laughing as my father-in-law watches this film with me and keeps on saying “ugh this is awful” over and over* Let’s go!

The Good? Hmmmm … nostalgia. This was like slipping into a warm bath and remembering all the good times watching Comedy Central on summer vacation between stints at the tennis courts. This might genuinely be the worst film I have a decent amount of affection for.

The Bad? Everything about it if I’m being honest with myself. Pauly Shore is quite an annoying character (across all of the “weasel” films). The acting is really bad. And the worst crime of all: the court case makes zero sense. The actual killer gets on the jury of his own crime (Juror #2 style) and then doesn’t really even try that hard to get the guy convicted, and then, craziest of all, he is only ultimately suspected because he was on the jury! If he hadn’t gone on the jury there would be no reason to suspect him! … Even while on the jury there was no reason to suspect him! It doesn’t make any sense at all. Fun stuff.

The BMT? Hmmmmmmm … maybe. Of all the Pauly Shore films I think Bio-Dome is the pinnacle with the right balance of kind of fun dumbness with some decent laughs and fun actors. This is probably the third of the major Weasel films (after Son-in-Law and Bio-Dome), but it is the only one that is pretty boring.

Well, now that I kind of know that the batch imaging can work consistently, I wanted to test if there would be trouble with longer sets of images or with the order of images. Obviously the answer is yes. I ran ten experiments where I did a position permutation for each of the ten and then ran ten queries on trying to find clowns in the set.

Well, cool, I suppose. It isn’t getting false positives as much with the larger set. I would mostly know because I got a bunch when I ran 10 posters (I do wonder if sometimes the model is giving back the most likely poster with a clown, so when the set is smaller you get a lot of random posters flagged). Experiment 10 does give me pause. In that case the permutation happened to put both clown posters in the back third. I sure do hope it isn’t just reading N images and giving up in those cases … Well, that is something more to test.

This actually genuinely might be the Worst Twist (How?) in the history of BMT with the illogical reveal that the Fast Food Killer is Stanley Tucci because he is some eco-terrorist who for whatever reason doesn’t want anyone to know that the murders are due to ecological reasons. It makes no sense. This movie is actually just Bad, it is very boring compared to the high lunacy of Bio-Dome and the actual genuine goodness of Son-in-law.

What could we learn about juries and jury duty? Find out in the quiz. Cheerios,

The Sklogs

Jury Duty Quiz

What’s the name of that famous courtroom drama where a juror tries to change hearts and minds about the guilt of a young man on trial? 12 Angry Men? Naw, I’m pretty sure I’m thinking of Jury Duty starring Pauly Shore. Let’s go!

Pop Quiz Hot Shot!

1) The film is quite explicitly based on the same source material as 12 Angry Men. The 1957 version was nominated for Best Picture, Best Director, and Best Screenplay. Who directed the film?

2) At least one more film question is warranted because Pauly Shore actually explicitly watches a bunch of them in order to prep himself on how to extend the trial. One of them, amusingly, is 12 Angry Men. But there are several others, including what 1959 classic starring Jimmy Stewart and directed by Otto Preminger?

3) As seen in this film, the U.S. jury system is based on the English model. Often in this system there is the concept of removing potential jurors without a specific reason, usually limited to a specific number for both defense and prosecution. What is this type of challenge called?

4) The film won a Golden Raspberry for worst actor. It was also nominated for the Most Painfully Unfunny Comedy, but lost to Ace Ventura: When Nature Calls at what competing award body which ended in 2006?

5) Well Peanut looooooved Jeopardy! So do I. We all know the main two hosts of modern Jeopardy! in Alex Trebek and Ken Jennings. But who was the original host from 1964 until is went off the air for five years in 1979?

Bonus NYTimes Listing Question: Jury Duty played primetime on Showtime on May 17, 1996, up against this BMT classic on TNT. What is it?

Answers

Jury Duty Preview

Matt Craven stands solemnly at the lectern. Head bowed. A hushed silence in the room. Suddenly he looks up and shouts, “Are you hunting for savings?” The crowd is blown back by his energy and showmanship. “Are you craving for deals like you’ve never seen?” he continues, pulling back a curtain revealing a poster-sized schematic of the library teetering precariously over the alleged chasm (or abyss). With flair, he tears off a portion of the schematic to reveal a brilliant future where the chasm (or abyss) has been filled with unwanted waste products and the library replaced with a mall-type building labelled Matt Craven’s Craving Hunting Palace. So Matt Craven was using his considerable influence to buy the land cheap, bulldoze the library and build a mini-mall. And they’d be willing to bet that Stranger & Stranger Construction would be doing the bulldozing and building. What a scheme! The room is rocking and before they know it the vote comes up and is nearly unanimous. Jamie looks across the room and sees that the only other ‘no’ vote was from a woman wearing a scowl on her face to go with her fetching pantsuit and briefcase. “Let’s get out of here,” Patrick says with disgust. “Just one second,” Jamie says and catches the woman before she leaves the auditorium. It becomes clear that she is not willing to give up the fight so easily. Jamie realizes he isn’t either. “Where can I meet you to talk more about this?” he asks and she smiles. “Well, we’re always looking for good people like you to serve on a jury,” she says as she hands him her card. It reads ‘Gertrude LaRouche, Attorney-at-Law.’ “Is that how that works?” Jamie asks, perplexed, and with a wink Ms. LaRouche smiles again. “It is now.” That’s right! We’re doing our civic duty and serving on a jury of its peers to judge Jury Duty, the Pauly Shore flick best known for being the film I thought the quote “That’s nice, Peanut” came from rather than the correct answer: Celtic Pride. My mind is just too beautiful. Let’s go!

Jury Duty (1995) – BMeTric: 59.8; Notability: 43

StreetCreditReport.com – BMeTric: top 2.0%; Notability: top 10.8%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 0.0%; Higher BMeT: Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers, Lawnmower Man 2: Beyond Cyberspace, Vampire in Brooklyn, Fair Game, Showgirls; Higher Notability: Congo, Judge Dredd, Under Siege 2: Dark Territory, Virtuosity, Money Train, Showgirls, Mighty Morphin Power Rangers, Stuart Saves His Family, Panther, Four Rooms, Things to Do in Denver When You’re Dead, Steal Big Steal Little, Tommy Boy, Assassins, Hackers, Jefferson in Paris, Canadian Bacon, Jade, Nine Months, Just Cause, and 7 more; Notes: Showgirls is a giant blindspot for us, but I’ve seen it multiple times and I also find it profoundly depressing, so there is that. This would have been the era where playing on television was a bit touch and go. Halloween 6 played only 3 times, Lawnmower Man 2 only 4 times, Vampire in Brooklyn was decent at 21, Fair Game was 28, Showgirls a shocking 25 times, and of course this played 64 times. Showgirls though … it played a lot on Showtime at 9PM which seems incredibly early. But I guess I’m a prude.

RogerEbert.com – 1.0 stars – The comedian Pauly Shore and I would find ourselves in agreement on one thing: The characters he plays are obnoxious. We part company, alas, on whether they are funny. I say they are not. … The screenplay, by Neil Tolkin, Barbara Williams and Samantha Adams, has some good lines, of which my favorite is, “Oh, to be young and on Death Row!” There are also many uses of anatomical terms, the usual toilet jokes, and ridicule of tabloid TV types who are, and I quote, “bottom-feeders who suckle on the juice of human tragedy.” I’m not sure the makers of this film should include themselves out.

(I’m not surprised Ebert hated it, and I appreciate that the review seems rather measured. Much more so than I would have imagined. Ah, to live in the day where it wasn’t all about dunking on people, even when those people are Pauly Shore in Jury Duty.)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bdKOtQlUS6s/

(I love the front part of this trailer. Like the film looks incredibly stupid, but I love the headfake on the serious film in the beginning. Just, they like don’t make ‘em like they used to. Also two OJ jokes in the trailer! THE TRAILER!!)

Directors – John Fortenberry – ( Future BMT: A Night at the Roxbury; BMT: Jury Duty; Notes: Does a ton of television, including Arrested Development, Psych, etc. A little odd he did any films at all … he maybe got this based on The Ben Stiller Show?)

Writers – Barbara Williams – ( BMT: Jury Duty; Notes: For whatever reason White House Down didn’t show up here, but it does seem like she has a credit on that. Might not be on TMDb.)

Samantha Adams – ( BMT: Jury Duty; Notes: Now this person only has Jury Duty. As a matter of fact this is the only information at all on her profile.)

Neil Tolkin – ( Known For: The Emperor’s Club; Future BMT: Richie Rich; License to Drive; BMT: Jury Duty; Notes: License to Drive is quite old, but he seems to have still been working a bit. Did the Magnum P.I. reboot.)

Actors – Pauly Shore – ( Known For: Sandy Wexler; Pauly Shore Is Dead; How It Ends; Heckler; Guest House; Phantom of the Mall: Eric’s Revenge; My Big Fat Independent Movie; Lost Angels; Opposite Day; Adopted; Pauly Shore Stands Alone; The Junior Defenders; Future BMT: Encino Man; Son in Law; Class Act; The Wash; For Keeps?; 18 Again!; BMT: Bio-Dome; In the Army Now; Bucky Larson: Born to Be a Star; Jury Duty; Notes: Things like Class Act and The Wash are bizarre. He has an amazing career. Bio-Dome, Jury Duty, In the Army Now, Encino Man, Son in Law. Five leading films, and then he completely flamed out. Maybe because he was difficult? Maybe the only person ever considered difficult for just being incredibly annoying?)

Tia Carrere – ( Known For: True Lies; Lilo & Stitch; Wayne’s World; Wayne’s World 2; Showdown in Little Tokyo; You May Not Kiss the Bride; Zombie Nightmare; Easter Sunday; My Teacher’s Wife; Hollow Point; Showdown in Manila; Wild Cherry; Gutshot Straight; 20 Dates; The Legend of Hallowaiian; The Immortals; Hard Breakers; Top of the World; Scar City; Merlin: The Return; Future BMT: Harley Davidson and the Marlboro Man; Kull the Conqueror; BMT: Rising Sun; High School High; Jury Duty; Notes: Was a regular on General Hospital. She almost only does voice work now. She was, weirdly, the star of a syndicated show called Relic Hunter I’ve never heard of. Ran for 66 episodes. First-run syndication was nuts back in the day.)

Stanley Tucci – ( Known For: The Hunger Games; Captain America: The First Avenger; The Hunger Games: Catching Fire; The Hunger Games: Mockingjay – Part 1; Spotlight; The Terminal; The Devil Wears Prada; Easy A; The Hunger Games: Mockingjay – Part 2; Beauty and the Beast; Lucky Number Slevin; Road to Perdition; The King’s Man; Robots; Margin Call; Jack the Giant Slayer; Julie & Julia; Percy Jackson: Sea of Monsters; Conclave; The Pelican Brief; Future BMT: The Lovely Bones; The Core; Maid in Manhattan; Beethoven; America’s Sweethearts; The Fifth Estate; Swing Vote; Billy Bathgate; Space Chimps; Who’s That Girl; Undercover Blues; In Too Deep; The Gun in Betty Lou’s Handbag; BMT: Transformers: Age of Extinction; Transformers: The Last Knight; Burlesque; Jury Duty; Show Dogs; Notes: The Tucc! Did you see the image of him when he was a Levi model or something. Absolute gun show.)

Budget/Gross – $21 million / Domestic: $17,014,653 (Worldwide: $17,014,653)

(Not what you want. I wonder why it cost so much … do you think it could be the rights to 12 Angry Men? It is almost explicitly a remake. Probably it is just that Shore cost a chunk of change by then.)

Rotten Tomatoes – 0% (0/14)

(Wow, incredible. But not surprising. If you want a consensus: The only thing amusing about this film is that is released during the O.J. Simpson trial.)

NYTimes Short Review: Loafer disrupts murder trial. Painfully unfunny.

Poster – Cutey Patooty

(Remember when that was a thing? No? Guess you weren’t watching Rosie O’Donnell like the cool kids. This is probably the best case scenario in what is a very unartistic style of poster. Wish the font was better, but it is getting the idea across. It’s funny because Pauly Shore is an idiot and now is involved in justice. B+)

Tagline(s) – For truth. For justice. For five bucks a day. (A+)

(Yes, please! This is great and fits perfectly into the rubric of what I look for. Unapologetic for the grade.)

Keyword(s) – top BMeT

Top 10: Fifty Shades of Grey (2015), The Twilight Saga: New Moon (2009), Green Lantern (2011), Batman & Robin (1997), Batman Forever (1995), The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1 (2011), Ghost Rider (2007), The Happening (2008), A Good Day to Die Hard (2013), The Mummy (2017)

Future BMT: 96.3 Disaster Movie (2008), 93.6 Date Movie (2006), 90.7 Vampires Suck (2010), 90.1 House of the Dead (2003), 89.0 BloodRayne (2005), 87.9 Winnie-the-Pooh: Blood and Honey (2023), 86.9 Street Fighter (1994), 86.6 The Adventures of Sharkboy and Lavagirl 3-D (2005), 84.1 Spy Kids 4: All the Time in the World (2011), 83.1 Inspector Gadget (1999), 81.5 You Got Served (2004), 80.0 Jonas Brothers: The 3D Concert Experience (2009), 80.0 Jeepers Creepers III (2017), 79.5 Daddy Day Camp (2007), 79.4 Home Alone 3 (1997), 79.3 Boogeyman (2005), 78.7 Shark Night (2011), 78.2 The Oogieloves in the Big Balloon Adventure (2012), 78.1 Who’s Your Caddy? (2007), 78.0 Jeepers Creepers: Reborn (2022)

BMT: Epic Movie (2007), Meet the Spartans (2008), Battlefield Earth (2000), Dragonball Evolution (2009), Catwoman (2004), Jack and Jill (2011), Batman & Robin (1997), Son of the Mask (2005), The Room (2003), The Emoji Movie (2017), Cats (2019), Gigli (2003), Scary Movie V (2013), Alone in the Dark (2005), Jaws: The Revenge (1987), The Last Airbender (2010), Mortal Kombat: Annihilation (1997), The Wicker Man (2006), Manos: The Hands of Fate (1966), Madame Web (2024), Superman IV: The Quest for Peace (1987), Fifty Shades of Grey (2015), Speed 2: Cruise Control (1997), Slender Man (2018), Dumb and Dumberer: When Harry Met Lloyd (2003), Jaws 3-D (1983), Troll 2 (1990), The Love Guru (2008), Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2 (2004), In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale (2007), The Cat in the Hat (2003), The Avengers (1998), Crossroads (2002), Halloween: Resurrection (2002), The Fog (2005), Fantastic Four (2015), Rollerball (2002), Baby Geniuses (1999), Spice World (1997), From Justin to Kelly (2003), Dungeons & Dragons (2000), Norbit (2007),…

Best Options (Comedy): 96.3 Disaster Movie (2008), 93.6 Date Movie (2006), 90.7 Vampires Suck (2010), 86.9 Street Fighter (1994), 86.6 The Adventures of Sharkboy and Lavagirl 3-D (2005), 84.1 Spy Kids 4: All the Time in the World (2011), 83.1 Inspector Gadget (1999), 79.5 Daddy Day Camp (2007), 79.4 Home Alone 3 (1997), 78.1 Who’s Your Caddy? (2007), 77.9 Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked (2011), 77.9 Nutty Professor II: The Klumps (2000), 76.0 Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakquel (2009), 75.5 Look Who’s Talking Now (1993), 75.2 Superhero Movie (2008), 74.9 Junior (1994), 72.7 Look Who’s Talking Too (1990), 72.6 Teen Wolf Too (1987), 72.4 Bewitched (2005), 72.4 Dance Flick (2009), 72.3 Legally Blonde 2: Red, White & Blonde (2003), 72.3 Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector (2006), 72.3 Zoom (2006), 72.1 Mr. Magoo (1997), 70.9 Snatched (2017), 70.8 The Shaggy Dog (2006), 69.8 Delta Farce (2007), 69.8 College Road Trip (2008), 69.5 Gulliver’s Travels (2010), 69.5 Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen (2004), 69.5 The Santa Clause 3: The Escape Clause (2006), 69.3 Soul Plane (2004), 69.2 Norm of the North (2016), 68.8 Yogi Bear (2010), 68.4 Meet the Blacks (2016), 68.1 Smokey and the Bandit Part 3 (1983), 68.1 Cats & Dogs: The Revenge of Kitty Galore (2010), 67.8 Thunderbirds (2004), 67.7 Seed of Chucky (2004), 67.6 Phat Girlz (2006), 67.3 Mr. Nanny (1993), 66.7 In the Mix (2005), 66.2 102 Dalmatians (2000), 65.3 An American Carol (2008), 65.1 Scary Movie 4 (2006), 64.9 The Comebacks (2007), 64.9 Sex Tape (2014), 64.7 Tooth Fairy (2010), 64.7 Fat Albert (2004), 64.6 Boat Trip (2002), 64.4 Van Wilder: The Rise of Taj (2006), 64.2 Agent Cody Banks 2: Destination London (2004), 64.2 Diary of a Wimpy Kid: The Long Haul (2017), 64.0 Underdog (2007), 63.8 The Dukes of Hazzard (2005), 63.7 Hot Tub Time Machine 2 (2015), 62.9 The Honeymooners (2005), 62.7 Space Chimps (2008), 61.8 Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Road Chip (2015), 61.7 Like a Boss (2020), 61.7 Cop & ½ (1993), 61.3 Madea Goes to Jail (2009), 61.2 Beethoven’s 2nd (1993), 61.0 Meet Dave (2008), 60.8 College (2008), 60.7 Happily N’Ever After (2006), 60.5 Hoodwinked Too! Hood vs. Evil (2011), 60.3 Witless Protection (2008), 60.3 Code Name: The Cleaner (2007), 59.9 Agent Cody Banks (2003), 59.8 First Sunday (2008), 59.7 Jury Duty (1995), …

(Junior was probably the other one were could have gone with here, but it is crazy that we haven’t watched the Pauly Shore films basically straight out.)

Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 18) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Charles Napier is No. 6 billed in Jury Duty and No. 3 billed in Rambo: First Blood Part II, which also stars Sylvester Stallone (No. 1 billed) who is in The Expendables 3 (No. 1 billed) which also stars Jason Statham (No. 2 billed) who is in In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale (No. 1 billed) which also stars Leelee Sobieski (No. 3 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 1 billed) => (6 + 3) + (1 + 1) + (2 + 1) + (3 + 1) = 18. If we were to watch Encino Man, and Extraordinary Measures we can get the HoE Number down to 13.

Notes – Stanley Tucci hated the movie and was so frustrated during filming that he started writing his own screenplay just to give himself a good part. That screenplay later became Big Night (1996), his acclaimed directorial debut film.

The character Tom[my] Collins is named after the mixed drink of the same name.

Shelley Winters’ last US Studio film.

Failed to recoup its budget ($21 million + marketing costs) and brought in only $17 million in ticket sales, making it a box office bomb.

The first Pauly Shore comedy to not star Brendan Fraser in any capacity.

Awards – Winner for the Razzie Award for Worst Actor (Pauly Shore)

The Garfield Movie Recap

Jamie

There is a selfish desire on my part to have this or any other Chris Pratt film include a submarine. A submarine opens the film Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom (although I feel like at times I was promised more… like a dino on a sub). The Tomorrow War suggests the possibility and then I could have sworn that The Electric State, the tragic Russo Brother’s Netflix film, had one, although the evidence appears to be scrubbed from the internet. I was slowly nurturing a beautiful Chris Pratt Submarine Trilogy and there is a real possibility that both The Tomorrow War and The Electric State don’t have one! In any case, given Chris Pratt’s career it would be nice if one of the submarine films came from his animated efforts. So The Garfield Movie? Are you going to have one? Don’t worry if you don’t. It probably won’t change my opinion of you. Besides, I’m guessing one of the Mario sequels will have one. Everyone loves submarines.

To recap, Garfield is a little kitten on the streetz. His daddio, a gruff street cat, tells him to stay put while he finds food, but the little kitten gets scared and wanders off to an Italian restaurant. There he befriends Jon Arbuckle. Flash forward to Garfield and Odie having a great life with Jon. That is until they are abducted as part of an elaborate plot to entrap Garfield’s dad, Vic, and force him to steal a large quantity of milk for the eeeevil Jinx. They agree and head to Lactose Farms. When they get there they agree to help free the girlfriend of Otto the bull, the former mascot of the farm, in exchange for help in getting into the farm. While they train for the big heist Garfield comes to learn that Vic actually did care for him. In fact it’s why Jinx knew that stealing Garfield would help trap Vic. When they enter the farm, Jinx double crosses them and calls in the fuzz. Turns out it was a double trap. Garfield and Odie help get the milk out and are shocked when Vic leaves them behind to deliver the milk to Jinx in hopes that it will mean she will leave Garfield alone. Nope! Jinx captures Vic and plans on killing him. Meanwhile, Garfield and Odie are picked up at the pound by Jon. At home Garfield finds evidence that Vic really did care for him and heads out to save him. In a big climactic scene Garfield saves the day, Jinx’s plan is foiled, and Vic is integrated into their family with Jon. THE END.

If you will allow me a comparison to another Chris Pratt animated film, I am someone who enjoyed The Super Mario Bros. Movie. I thought it was fun to look at and set up the quest in a way that was consistent with a lot of what I loved about the characters. It also had moments that I thought were genuinely funny. As I said, I enjoyed it. This is kind of the opposite. It’s pleasant enough and I do think it is nice to look at, but what in the world does this have to do with Garfield? This actually has a lot more in common with Heathcliff than anything that happens to Garfield. Just a baffling decision on the entire plot of this movie and introduction of Garfield’s dad, Vic… literally decades and decades of Garfield strips to pull from and you choose to make up a bunch of nondescript new ones? It smacks a bit of this being a not-Garfield script that got turned into a Garfield script. May as well also mention that this animated film is rife with product placements… which is kind of odd for an animated film not named Foodfight!

Hot Take Clam Bake! We are gearing up for the big reveal that Vic’s son was not Garfield after all. He was adopted by Jon but eventually returns from whence he came: the junkyard. In the sequel the real Garfield will return, take his rightful place (with his rightful voice: Bill Murray) while the old Chris Pratt Garfield will take back his original name: Heathcliff. He’s then look at the camera and say “you mothers really thought that was a Garfield movie. You are a bunch of dummies. Grow up.” Hot Take Temperature: piping hot lasagna.

Patrick? 

Patrick

‘Ello everyone! *Gif of me watching some television, hating Mondays, and eating some lasagna (which I call ‘sagna for short)* Let’s go!

The Good? … Well … I mean, if I was a child I guess it would be acceptable? I really don’t get this film. Let’s just skip to the next section.

The Bad? What is this movie? Like why is this film? I do not understand how you end up with a Garfield film about Garfield being reunited with his father which is basically invented whole cloth for this movie. Why? Why is this the thing that people would ever want to see? Here’s the thing. I just want to see Garfield stories. Make it about Jon going on a date with the vet and Garfield trying to sabotage it initially until he realizes he loves Jon and so then the mission changes: to make this date a success! Make it about Garfield dealing with Nermal. Or Odie. Or whatever. The plot of this film is absurd. Wait … wait a second. I know perfectly how to describe this film: a slap in the face to fans. It really is like a puppet dancing like a Garfield film, but is actually not at all a Garfield film. It’s straight weird.

The BMT? I mean … could it be? No, I refuse. I refuse to accept that this film I will never ever ever ever watch again could be BMT. I refuse. This film is bad. Man … starting with three Bads in a row. Not a great year 2024. 

Yeah, I spent an inordinate amount of time working through some of the issues with video as batch image processing idea. Some highlights: (1) The frames leak (obviously) so having something like Jaws 3-D next to Revenge of the Nerds 2 and asking if they have a shark in them, it is much less likely to correctly mark out Revenge of the Nerds 2. I would presume this is because it is now primed (in context) to look for a big ol’ shark face instead of a fin. (2) The timestamp determination is incredibly fuzzy, almost to the point of being useless. (3) You can figure out the frame is taken from between 0.25-0.5 in each second which I suppose is amusing. I’ll leave you with one graphic:

As I said, it is a little crazy just how unlikely it is to identify Revenge of the Nerds 2 (in position 1 in Experiment #1 for example) when it is close to Jaws 3D (always position 0). The kicker? Batch image processing actually exists, so this was all kind of just a thought experiment in the end anyways.

Obviously a Planchet (Who?) with Odie, look in your heart, you know it to be true. Some Product Placement (What?) with things like Catflix, a play off of Netflix. And I’m just going to leave it with saying the film is Bad.

Learn about cats in the Quiz. Cheerios,

The Sklogs

The Garfield Movie Quiz

What was the heaviest cat in history? Himmy? Hell naw, you know it is Garfield. He fucking loooooves Lasagna. Let’s go!

Pop Quiz Hot Shot!

1) Lasagna is possibly the oldest type of pasta. And to make the dish (also called lasagna) you will it with cheese, seasonings, ground meat, tomato sauce and what mother sauce of French cuisine?

2) I mean, Garfield’s least favorite song is probably Monday, Monday. That song was the only number one hit for what quartet?

3) Remember Garfield and Friends? That’s not the question. The question is: that show had two separate 12 minute programs, one being Garfield. The “friends” refers to what other syndicated Jim Davis comic strip?

4) Famously Garifled has been voiced by Lorenzo Music in the original cartoon, and then Bill Murray in the movies (and now Chris Pratt … no comment). Lorenzo Music also played what other animated cartoon character with a connection to Bill Murray?

5) Apparently there is a video game in development, but over the years there have been numerous Garfield computer and video games. One, called Garfield Labyrinth, was only called such in Europe. In North America it was reskinned as The Real Ghostbusters, and in Japan it was the fourth entry of the Crazy Castle series starring what classic character?

Bonus NYTimes Listing Question: Going head to head with Garfield Gets a Life, the last animated special, is this famous film:

What is this film?

Answers

The Garfield Movie Preview

Jamie was clearly depressed. While it had seemed that he had gone through all the stages of grief in a matter of moments and lived his life to the fullest with Samantha, it now was clear that that was all a mask. That he was stuck at stage four and couldn’t shake it. Patrick tried everything. He baked him his favorite cake (an inverse cake where the cake was actually the icing and the icing was the cake), but he barely took a nibble. He showed him his favorite film (not a film, really, but just the motorcycle sex scene from Woman of Desire), but he didn’t even crack a smile. He read him his favorite poem (the poem that Rocky reads Adrian in Rocky II), but his eyes remained dry. Even during their daily gymnastics/dance workout Patrick barely gave it his all and called it a day after just two and half hours. “I don’t know what to do,” Patrick says sadly over the phone to Kyle. Kyle couldn’t move to Hallston with his burgeoning family back home but was able to offer at least one piece of advice. “You know, maybe if the usual things aren’t working you have to look outside your own experiences.” After hanging up, Patrick walks to Hallston’s local public library and looks in the “Sad” section. There he finds a book “Are You Sad?” After flipping through it for a moment his eyes alight on a page that makes his eyes gleam. “Library, you’ve done it again, you glorious bastard.” A week later he surprises Jamie at home during one of his lengthy wall-staring sessions and opens a small crate. “Say hello to my little friend,” Patrick says, coining a wholly original phrase. From the box comes a tiny meow. That’s right! It’s the 2024 cycle and we’re doing the hottest cat movie around. Unfortunately 2024 still hasn’t delivered the Heathcliff movie the Gucci crowd is clamoring for, so we’ll settle for The Garfield Movie… ah… well. Alas. Let’s go!

The Garfield Movie (2024) – BMeTric: 37.4; Notability: 54

StreetCreditReport.com – BMeTric: top 13.6%; Notability: top 1.2%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 19.7%; Higher BMeT: Madame Web, Borderlands, The American Society of Magical Negroes, Uglies, The Crow, Night Swim, The Strangers: Chapter 1, Tarot, Trigger Warning, The Exorcism, Imaginary, Joker: Folie à Deux, Mother of the Bride, Hellboy: The Crooked Man, Megamind vs. The Doom Syndicate, Rebel Moon – Part Two: The Scargiver, Mea Culpa, The Deliverance, Breathe, Time Cut, and 14 more; Higher Notability: Joker: Folie à Deux, Reagan, Borderlands; Lower RT: Tyler Perry’s Divorce in the Black, Megamind vs. The Doom Syndicate, Borderlands, Madame Web, Mother of the Bride, Kraven the Hunter, Breathe, Uglies, Rebel Moon – Part Two: The Scargiver, Justice League: Crisis on Infinite Earths – Part Two, Tarot, Reagan, Killer Heat, Canary Black, Mea Culpa, Atlas, Night Swim, Dear Santa, Trigger Warning, The Strangers: Chapter 1, and 25 more; Notes: The Notability is insane on this. Only Joker 2, Borderlands, and … Reagan? Wait, Reagan had over 50 people involved in it with a wikipedia page? That makes no sense.

RogerEbert.com – 1.5 stars –  I cannot think of a single reason for another Garfield movie, and apparently, the people who made this couldn’t, either. It reminds me of the legendary comment about “Nancy,” which, like “Garfield,” was originally a comic strip known for the spareness of its design and the helium-weight lightness of its humor. When asked to explain “Nancy,” someone once said, “It takes less energy to read it than to skip it.” Those who have children pestering them to see “Garfield” will feel the same way about this film. It’s not awful. It may be too much to say that kids will enjoy it, but it is probably fair to say they will feel that they have been entertained. But those accompanying the children may feel dispirited by the emptiness that emanates from a film that is just an IP cash grab. And parents may have some concerns, discussed below.

(That quote about Nancy is hilarious. And yeah, that is basically how this film feels. It was easier just to watch it than to try and think about something else to watch.)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yk2Ej59DnrE/

(Is this trailer real …. Am I going crazy. It is just repeating over and over with a song behind it. Are they going to grow up and the movie explained a little at all? Am I going crazy? It is on the Sony Pictures Entertainment channel … It tags Snoop Dogg, so he would have done something about it if it was fake. It says Final Trailer. I DON’T UNDERSTAND HOW IS THIS A TRAILER WHY IS THIS MAKING ME WANT TO WATCH THIS FILM. This is infuriating.)

Directors – Mark Dindal – ( Known For: The Emperor’s New Groove; Cats Don’t Dance; Future BMT: Chicken Little; BMT: The Garfield Movie; Notes: It is kind of weird … because I felt like Chicken Little was relatively well received, but actually it qualifies. He was like the main guy behind The Emperor’s New Groove, which was excellent, but also apparently was a mess behind the scenes.)

Writers – Mark Torgove and Paul A. Kaplan – ( BMT: The Garfield Movie; Notes: He wrote for television, and even then mostly an episode at a time. Seems like an interesting career path.)

David Reynolds – ( Known For: Finding Nemo; Mulan; The Emperor’s New Groove; Atlantis: The Lost Empire; Fantasia 2000; Future BMT: Chicken Little; BMT: The Garfield Movie; Notes: Nominated for an Oscar for Finding Nemo. Weird he didn’t get a credit for Finding Dory. He has some sort of TV Movie series called Captain Jokes Parrot … Oh I get it, Captain Jack Sparrow.)

Jim Davis – ( BMT: Garfield: The Movie; Garfield: A Tail of Two Kitties; The Garfield Movie; Notes: He made the comic strip. Watch the I Think You Should Leave sketch about the woman who bought his house.)

Gene Stupnitsky and Lee Eisenberg – ( Known For: Bad Teacher; Good Boys; BMT: Year One; Notes: Genuinely curious if they are actually going to make a Bad Teacher 2 ever. Seems unlikely. Isn’t Cameron Diaz semi-retired?)

Actors – Chris Pratt – ( Known For: Avengers: Endgame; Guardians of the Galaxy; Avengers: Infinity War; Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2; Jurassic World; Her; Moneyball; Thor: Love and Thunder; Wanted; Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 3; The Lego Movie; Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom; Zero Dark Thirty; The Super Mario Bros. Movie; The Tomorrow War; The Magnificent Seven; Onward; Jennifer’s Body; The Five-Year Engagement; Delivery Man; Future BMT: Passengers; What’s Your Number?; Take Me Home Tonight; Jem and the Holograms; BMT: Jurassic World Dominion; Bride Wars; Movie 43; The Garfield Movie; Notes: His career path is incredible. By which I mean it has now crossed over and become a bit embarrassing. I mean, I would take the money, but like The Electric State I think maybe marks him crossing the Rubicon into Bruce Willis cash grab territory.)

Samuel L. Jackson – ( Known For: Pulp Fiction; Django Unchained; Inglourious Basterds; The Avengers; Avengers: Endgame; Goodfellas; Avengers: Infinity War; Iron Man; Jurassic Park; Avengers: Age of Ultron; Thor; Captain America: The Winter Soldier; Captain America: The First Avenger; Iron Man 2; Star Wars: Episode I – The Phantom Menace; Star Wars: Episode III – Revenge of the Sith; The Incredibles; Kill Bill: Vol. 2; Star Wars: Episode II – Attack of the Clones; Kingsman: The Secret Service; Future BMT: The Legend of Tarzan; Sphere; Star Wars: The Clone Wars; Spiral; Basic; The Spirit; Loaded Weapon 1; Formula 51; The Man; One Eight Seven; Life Itself; Freedomland; Amos & Andrew; Fluke; Strictly Business; BMT: Jumper; Glass; Hitman’s Wife’s Bodyguard; Argylle; xXx: State of the Union; Shaft; Twisted; The Garfield Movie; Notes: It is kind of crazy to realize he was nominated for an Oscar for Pulp Fiction. I guess I never quite realized how mainstream it was. Three acting nominations is crazy.)

Hannah Waddingham – ( Known For: Les Misérables; The Fall Guy; Hocus Pocus 2; Winter Ridge; Future BMT: How to Lose Friends & Alienate People; BMT: The Hustle; The Garfield Movie; Notes: Won a Primetime Emmy for Ted Lasso (3 nominations) and nominated again for Krapopolis as a voice actor. Hocus Pocus 2 was awful, I really don’t get how they botch those legacy-quels so consistently.)

Budget/Gross – $60 million / Domestic: $91,956,547 (Worldwide: $257,211,519)

(That isn’t bad at all. Not at all. And that is why making a dumb Garfield movie can never be a bad deal. Even when the plot is about reuniting Garfield with the father no one knew about because he wasn’t in the comic strip at all.)

Rotten Tomatoes – 37% (50/136): The Garfield Movie rolls along at a zany enough clip to be diverting for kids, but this animated adventure doesn’t much resemble Jim Davis’ iconically grumpy creation.

(It does not, and that is the main crime. It is one thing to be trite and dumb. It is another to be trite and dumb and also not to resemble the thing you are trying desperately to mimic.)

Reviewer Highlight: Hyperkinetic stuff, lots of famous voice stars, almost no relationship to the original source… it just left me thinking of Bill Murray. – Mark Kermode

Poster – Heathcliff: The Movie

(It’s very orange. I like that. I like the font. It’s clever in some ways. It’s not perfect, obviously, but I like what they did here. B+.)

Tagline(s) – He gets bigger. (C+)

(My brain isn’t totally comprehending what we have here but… I think I like it… I think. Like he’s a fat cat, right? And this is a movie, which is bigger than a comic strip, right? OK. Are we sure this shouldn’t have been “He gets even bigger”? I’m going to be kind to this one.)

Keyword(s) – 2024-2024

Top 10: Dune: Part Two (2024), Deadpool & Wolverine (2024), Furiosa: A Mad Max Saga (2024), Civil War (2024), Inside Out 2 (2024), The Fall Guy (2024), Alien: Romulus (2024), Road House (2024), The Substance (2024), The Beekeeper (2024)

Future BMT: 62.3 The Exorcism (2024), 61.6 Imaginary (2024), 61.6 Joker: Folie à Deux (2024), 36.0 Singham Again (2024), 27.4 Slingshot (2024), 27.2 Harold and the Purple Crayon (2024), 25.9 Fighter (2024), 24.8 Devara Part 1 (2024), 19.0 Reagan (2024), 16.7 Here (2024), 11.6 Red One (2024)

BMT: Madame Web (2024), Borderlands (2024), The American Society of Magical Negroes (2024), The Crow (2024), Night Swim (2024), The Strangers: Chapter 1 (2024), Tarot (2024), Argylle (2024), The Watchers (2024), The Garfield Movie (2024), Back to Black (2024)

Best Options (Comedy): 37.4 The Garfield Movie (2024), 27.2 Harold and the Purple Crayon (2024), 11.6 Red One (2024)

(Rest Assured, Red One wasn’t out yet when we watched this movie. So Harold and the Purple Crayon was the other one and there was no way I was watching that. That somehow looked even more trite than this did.)

Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 14) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Samuel L. Jackson is No. 2 billed in The Garfield Movie and No. 3 billed in Jumper, which also stars Michael Rooker (No. 5 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 4 billed) => (2 + 3) + (5 + 4) = 14. If we were to watch The Spirit, and The Black Dahlia we can get the HoE Number down to 13.

Notes – Garfield shown as a kitten crosses the street there is a place he passes by called Lorenzo’s Music Store which is a nod to Garfield’s original voice actor Lorenzo Music.

Frank Welker, who’s voiced Garfield since 2007, expressed his disappointment at not being asked to voice the character for this film.

The code that Garfield uses to unlock his phone is ‘061978’, the date of the first “Garfield” comic strip.

The number on the waste container where Garfield is left behind is the date of the very first Garfield comic strip, 06-19-78.

The scene of Jon bathing Garfield is reminiscent of the September 5, 1978 strip, where Jon is also seen wearing a helmet and gloves while giving him a bath. Likewise, the follow-up comic has Jon dry up Garfield, which results in Garfield being all fluffed up, much like in the movie.

Soul Man Recap

Jamie

I cannot believe this used to play on television… like I’ve seen Soul Man a whole bunch of times growing up. Even at the time it was controversial to the point where the actors in it have continued to give interviews over the years insisting that the script was very funny and sharp and playing on important issues of the times. Essentially insisting that it was a project you couldn’t pass up (even if in retrospect you think “why didn’t you run as fast and far away from this as possible?”). So how did Comedy Central then look at this already controversial film and be like hmmmmm, 3pm on Saturday maybe followed by Just One of the Guys? Pretty ironic actually. It basically became an example of what it was trying to satirize.

To recap, Mark Wilson is an asshole… sorry, that was rude. He’s a rich asshole. He’s primed to attend Harvard Law, but is dismayed when his parents decide not to pay for it. What is a rich asshole to do? Get a loan of course, but in a system built against rich white assholes he just can’t manage that. So he does what any asshole will do: take a bunch of tanning pills and scoop a scholarship meant for African Americans (but don’t worry, if he didn’t take it then the scholarship would have been wasted as he was the only applicant… not a single African American applicant… in LA… hooo weee). Off he goes to Harvard where he begins to learn the hard lessons about what it is to be Black in America. Eventually he is inspired by a fellow African American student in his class, Sarah, who is a single parent working hard to become a lawyer and give back to her community. When he finds out that Sarah actually would have gotten his scholarship if he hadn’t applied as if left unawarded it would have opened to a wider applicant pool, he starts to feel real bad. Eventually he admits what he has done and given all the lessons he’s learned he is given a second chance with strings attached. He gets a loan and asks Sarah for forgiveness, which she eventually grants. THE END.

I mean, wow. The biggest crime this film commits is the blackface. The second biggest crime is playing into stereotypes for laughs because they couldn’t navigate their own satire. But the third biggest crime is letting Mark off at the end with essentially a slap on the wrist. The kid needed some comeuppance. Something to at least be like “OK, he learned a real lesson here.” Having him stay at Harvard and get the girl in the end is insane. Anyway, can I see what the actors are saying when they insist that the script was good? Kind of. There is something interesting about the moment where Mark, deep in on his own crazy blackface scheme, talks about how cool it’s going to be to be Black. That is fairly pointed. It’s a moment in time when there was such a sharp divide between the impact of African American life on culture (the only interaction with African Americans that someone like Mark would have) and the reality of living in America as an African American. But you can’t have your cake and eat it too. You can’t set up a rich asshole pulling a blackface scheme in a film and then have him totally redeemed in the end. Messes the whole thing up. They were trying to walk a tightrope and basically missed the wire entirely with their first step. As for Meatballs IIIl: Summer Job. A+++. Highly recommend watching this on VHS. Me and Patrick were tickled by the sheer number of times someone goes flying off a dock. It’s like the stunt coordinator had only one thing he was licensed for. Throwing people off docks. Back in on the Meatballs franchise!

Hot Take Clam Bake! The end is a dream sequence. What we are experiencing at that moment is Mark getting expelled from school and everyone throwing rotten fruits and vegetables at him. The moment this happens he disassociates and we see what is happening in his mind. He imagines that in fact his professor understands. He gives him a second chance. He goes out and gets a loan at a high interest rate. Then when he sees Sarah again she is willing to take him back because a couple of racists are walking by, make a joke, and give him the opportunity to punch them out. Fantasy land, people. None of that happened. He’s a pariah and has to change his name. Hot Take Temperature: A hot stove you absolutely should not touch.

Patrick?

Patrick

‘Ello everyone! *gif of me walking all “cool” down the street, right before a group of children jump out and beat the shit out of me* Let’s go!

The Good? Nothing much, the film is super weird, and not only racist, but patronizing about it. Originally, I said that the film is probably a satire, but that is not right, at least if you take what the stars and producers say at face value. The comparison I would draw though is to Tootsie (which is described as a satire). Both seem to take their message seriously, which I suppose is the way you would hope such material was considered.

The Bad? The blackface? The racism? The fact that the main character has no consequences in the end? The fact that anyone liked him or talked to him after this? The racism? Oh I already said that. If you wanted to look at this more charitably the film is merely not funny. The funniest part is that partly the film doesn’t work because Howell has a friend. If he was a friendless, rich, asshole, his inability to empathize with black people beyond what he’s seen on television and in movies would perhaps be taken with as a bit of charming naivete. The fact that he has a white friend aiding and abetting his fraud though is rough. 

But the bizarre nature of the whole affair means it is a BMT film. We wouldn’t look to it as a Hall of Fame entry, but it does represent a weird sort of bad movie that could only exist in the mid-80s when cocaine was flowing like wine, and consequences were a thing to be scoffed at.

Ooooooooooo doggy, Meatballs III: Summer Job. This was a VHS special. Only available on VHS. So we busted out the CRT, hooked up my combination VHS/DVD player, and popped this on. This movie is hilariously janky. It is weird. And acting is horrible. But my god it is fun. “I want to get laaaaaaaaaaaaaid” is a line in the film. Patrick Dempsey is pushed off a dock. There is an angel pornstar, and an actor playing the devil which is legitimately not an actor. I can’t figure out who the person was. Anyways, A+, just a very funny and unique viewing experience, this is the thing that friends are made of.

I’m sticking with the trailer analysis today. First I asked if AIStudio could identify where the movie is set. It said Harvard was mentioned, and also Los Angeles, so “Given these details, it seems most likely that the movie is set in both Massachusetts and California.” Correct. I then asked it about product placement. It points out that at 00:20 there is a clear Fila Logo which is kind of amazing because it is upside down and partially obscured … intriguing. As for keywords, I couldn’t get it to ignore audio (which is where it really was getting all the keywords I think), so I tried it without any audio available: Comedy, Racism/Race, Law School, Spoof, C. Thomas Howell, Blackface, Controversy, 1980s, Satire, Prejudice.

Now … Controversy is interesting and seems to me like it might be using some outside sources for this assignment. I guess it could deduce that C. Thomas Howell + Blackface = Controversy, but it is hard to know. Law School is the most intriguing I guess, but again, would a human being recognize this video clip without sound as having to do with law school. Unclear. Similarly, asking about films with the keyword “law school” only 5 pop up, but at least two of them (Reversal of Fortune and Pelican Brief) it is very clear it is getting it from the tagline. Which, fair enough, but still, it is a little different than having an obvious “law school” film in a way. Legally Blonde (title?) and Paper Chase (law + an odd mention of “The Graduate” on the poster?) are also questionable. Honestly, they are all borderline in the end.

I think I’ll give a special BFF (Who?) for Arye Gross who plays the essential best friend who is in on the scheme all along and covers for the main character. Why not, let’s use the AI generated note of Product Placement (What?) for Fila, even though I’m sure there is a better beer one in the end. Definite Setting as a Character (Where?) for Cambridge, MA, you love to see it. A weirdo MacGuffin (Why?) for that always difficult to obtain Harvard Law Degree. And obviously a Worst Twist (How?) for the main character not only not going to prison for fraud, but also still being allowed to stay at Harvard. He was barely a good student! This movie is BMT, it was destined to BMT, and also is so BMT it manages to be a movie I’ll never watch again.

Read about … law? Blackface? Something in the Quiz. Cheerios,

The Sklogs

Soul Man Quiz

Let’s just hope I stick to questions about Boston … Let’s go!

Pop Quiz Hot Shot!

1) Soul Man. It is basically named after the song. Name one of the two writers of that famous song (although they weren’t the ones who sung it and made it famous).

2) Of the many home video releases, Soul Man has been part of two Double Feature DVDs. On one it was paired with Fraternity Vacation from 1985. In the other it was paired with what body swap film starring George Burns?

3) There is a movie I have to watch. I actually HAVE to own it. It stars C. Thomas Howell, and it is called Side Out. What sport does our (also lawyer) Howell get super duper into in the movie Side Out.

4) Harvard Law is the oldest continually operating Law School in the U.S. But it isn’t the oldest full stop. What university, which (understandably) had to close up during the Civil War, has the oldest?

5) You get to see a young Julia Louis-Dreyfus in this film. Speaking of Seinfeld (we were speaking of that right?), the character of Sue Ellen Mischke was a frenemy of Elaine on that show. What candy bar fortune was she the heiress of?

Bonus NYTimes Listing Question: Oh a tricky one. This movie went up against Soul Man (on Lifetime!) on July 9, 1990:

But what film is a remake of Dangerous Liaisons in 1999?

Answers

Soul Man Preview

Jamie runs out of the restaurant in pursuit of Samantha. But Patrick doesn’t think it was the horror franchise part of the speech that had such an affect on her. It seemed to him that her face changed a little before that. How could his Keys to Love have missed so badly that the mere mention of something destroyed everything? Was there some flaw in the four keys that he hadn’t foreseen? Patrick counts on his fingers real quick. 1. The eyes are the windows to the soul (A.K.A. stylez=smilez). 2. Get all the feels (A.K.A. only the firmest handshake) 3. A rose by any other smell (A.K.A. cologne for days) 4. Putting (meats and cheeses) on the Ritz (cracker) (A.K.A. a very 2003 Celtics themed dinner). That seemed like everything… what could he be missing? Suddenly he becomes aware that Kyle is saying something. Despite the high likelihood this is about mannequins or is largely irrelevant, Patrick stops Kyle just in case. But as he’s about to let him know that he was not listening to whatever mannequin mambo jumbo he was going on about, his mouth goes dry. “I wasn’t listening,” he mutters. Kyle is hurt. He was very proud of his latest advancement in mannequin technology and while perhaps this wasn’t the most opportune moment to discuss it, it was still important to him. “Of course you weren’t,” he scoffs, “You guys never listen.” Suddenly the same thought Patrick had dawns on him. “My God, we have been missing a vital fifth lesson this whole time,” Patrick says, writing furiously in his notebook. Kyle and him rush out to catch Jamie to warn him about “Lesson #5: The ears are also the windows to the soul, man.” That’s right! We are watching Soul Man, the 80’s comedy about a guy who puts on black face to get a scholarship to Harvard… wait, that can’t be right. No, not the plot. I know that’s the plot of the film. It just can’t be right that we’re watching it. To pair with that we are blessedly cleansing the palate with Meatballs III: Summer Job, also known as a VHS special. Let’s go!

Soul Man (1986) – BMeTric: 41.1; Notability: 38

StreetCreditReport.com – BMeTric: top 4.4%; Notability: top 9.2%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 9.1%; Higher BMeT: Howard the Duck, Troll, King Kong Lives, Police Academy 3: Back in Training, Maximum Overdrive, Solarbabies, Raw Deal, Sorority House Massacre, Firewalker, Club Paradise, Iron Eagle; Higher Notability: Howard the Duck, Poltergeist II: The Other Side, The Golden Child, Jumpin’ Jack Flash, Invaders from Mars, A Fine Mess, Ratboy, Solarbabies, Raw Deal, Police Academy 3: Back in Training, Club Paradise, Armed and Dangerous, The Clan of the Cave Bear, Cobra, Iron Eagle, Wildcats, No Mercy, Blue City, The Best of Times, The Delta Force, and 3 more; Lower RT: 8 Million Ways to Die, Solarbabies, Sorority House Massacre, Band of the Hand, Deadtime Stories, American Anthem, Blue City, Nobody’s Fool, Firewalker, King Kong Lives, Armed and Dangerous, Haunted Honeymoon, TerrorVision, The Clan of the Cave Bear, Dangerously Close, Club Paradise, Quicksilver, Howard the Duck, Maximum Overdrive, Tai-Pan, and 1 more; Notes: It is profoundly disturbing that this film played on television 59 times in the 90s … but it does explain why I’ve seen it several times. King Kong Lives played 30 times, which seems insane. Again, 7 out of the top 10 BMeT, but we have seen the top 7, so that’s something. Meatballs III on the other hand? An astonishing 14 times on cable. Incredible stuff.

Roger Ebert – 1 star – Although the premise of “Soul Man” has been greeted with widespread derision, it actually has a lot of potential – even if it has been made into a lame-brained movie. … Howell seems to have wandered in from a teen comedy; there is never a moment when I felt he was really experiencing the feelings in this movie. Not even when he gets to feeling so black that he tosses around a symbolic basketball and confesses he doesn’t like the Beach Boys so much anymore.

(Kind of amazingly tepid review for a one star. I do understand the sentiment though. Howell is the weakest link in the film, it is very hard to feel like he’s changed in an appreciable way. Just watch the “trial” scene!)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z2zMrjBLwn8/

(Should I make that beginning a gif so like when I’m super happy about something? Naw, I don’t want to send people a gif of half naked C. Thomas Howell. His terrible wig is INSANE. I can’t believe we are watching this.)

Directors – Steve Miner – ( Known For: Halloween H20: 20 Years Later; Lake Placid; Forever Young; House; Warlock; Wild Hearts Can’t Be Broken; Private Valentine: Blonde & Dangerous; Here Come the Tigers; Future BMT: My Father the Hero; Big Bully; BMT: Friday the 13th Part 2; Friday the 13th: Part 3; Soul Man; Texas Rangers; Notes: The only person to have filmed two Friday the 13th films. Also nominated 2 Primetime Emmys for directing and producing The Wonder Years.)

Writers – Carol Black – ( BMT: Soul Man; Notes: I guess not surprisingly was also involved in The Wonder Years. She won for it in 1988 just prior to Miner coming on.)

Actors – C. Thomas Howell – ( Known For: The Amazing Spider-Man; E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial; The Outsiders; Hidalgo; Red Dawn; The Hitcher; Old Dads; Gettysburg; Woodlawn; LBJ; The Return of the Musketeers; Hitman’s Run; That Night; Side Out; Grandview, U.S.A.; Attack of the Killer Donuts; The Hillside Strangler; Storm Rider; Hoboken Hollow; Far Out Man; Future BMT: Secret Admirer; Reagan; Tank; BMT: Gods and Generals; Soul Man; Notes: It is absolutely no surprise he was in Reagan. He actually got married to Rae Dawn Chong in real life, although it didn’t last very long.)

Rae Dawn Chong – ( Known For: Commando; The Color Purple; Jeff, Who Lives at Home; Quest for Fire; Tales from the Darkside: The Movie; Crying Freeman; The Principal; American Flyers; Fear City; Cheech & Chong’s: The Corsican Brothers; Beat Street; Choose Me; The Borrower; City Limits; Far Out Man; When the Party’s Over; Shiver; Time Runner; Cyrus; Highball; Future BMT: Hideaway; The Squeeze; BMT: Soul Man; Notes: Tommy Chong’s daughter. Apparently discovered Chris Pratt while he was a waiter.)

Arye Gross – ( Known For: Minority Report; Tequila Sunrise; Just One of the Guys; A Midnight Clear; For the Boys; Mother Night; Big Eden; Exterminator 2; The Experts; Coupe de Ville; Seven Girlfriends; Nostalgia; Timelock; Spoiler; Big City Blues; The Prince and the Surfer; The Elevator; Shaking the Tree; A Matter of Degrees; Future BMT: House II: The Second Story; The Couch Trip; Hexed; The Opposite Sex and How to Live with Them; BMT: Gone in 60 Seconds; Soul Man; Atlas Shrugged II: The Strike; Notes: This is maybe the craziest trivia I’ve ever seen on IMDb: Provided the voice of Lando Calrissian in the NPR version of The Return of the Jedi.)

Budget/Gross – $4.5 million / Domestic: $27,820,000 (Worldwide: $27,820,000)

(This is a huge success. Jesus, what would the sequel be … I think it would be that he’s now a judge and he is getting groomed to sit on the Supreme Court, but then he hears that actually the President is only considering a woman for the opening. Well that gives him an idea …)

Rotten Tomatoes – 17% (4/24): Critics had a whole lot less than a truckload of good loving for this woefully misguided take on race in ’80s America.

(What the hell is Rotten Tomatoes doing with the recap? That is a bizarre consensus. It barely makes sense.)

NYTimes Description: Steve Miner’s fast comedy about a young white man masquerading as a black student in order to get a scholarship to Harvard.

Poster – Sklog Man

(Christ. I mean sure. That entirely avoids the conceit of the film… probably should have taken that as a sign that they were not on the right track.Still, I like the framing and the font OK. C.)

Tagline(s) – Guess who’s coming to college? (D)

(C. Thomas Howell? Yeah, what’s the big whoop? Horrible.)

Keyword(s) – 1983-1991

Top 10: The Silence of the Lambs (1991), Back to the Future (1985), Goodfellas (1990), Terminator 2: Judgment Day (1991), Star Wars: Episode VI – Return of the Jedi (1983), Die Hard (1988), The Terminator (1984), Scarface (1983), Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade (1989), Full Metal Jacket (1987)

Future BMT: 72.7 Look Who’s Talking Too (1990), 72.5 Teen Wolf Too (1987), 67.8 Smokey and the Bandit Part 3 (1983), 61.1 Staying Alive (1983), 59.0 Suburban Commando (1991), 58.2 Child’s Play 3 (1991), 58.2 Amityville 3-D (1983), 57.7 The NeverEnding Story II: The Next Chapter (1990), 57.5 Ghost Dad (1990), 56.7 The Karate Kid Part III (1989), 55.1 Rocky V (1990), 54.7 Curse of the Pink Panther (1983), 53.5 Graffiti Bridge (1990), 52.4 Johnny Be Good (1988), 52.4 Porky’s II: The Next Day (1983), 52.3 Porky’s Revenge (1985), 52.2 Revenge of the Nerds II: Nerds in Paradise (1987), 51.8 Police Academy 3: Back in Training (1986), 49.2 King Solomon’s Mines (1985), 48.6 My Stepmother Is an Alien (1988)

BMT: Jaws: The Revenge (1987), Superman IV: The Quest for Peace (1987), Troll 2 (1990), Jaws 3-D (1983), Highlander II: The Quickening (1991), Going Overboard (1989), Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan (1989), Police Academy 6: City Under Siege (1989), Mac and Me (1988), Caddyshack II (1988), Police Academy 5: Assignment: Miami Beach (1988), Freddy’s Dead: The Final Nightmare (1991), Howard the Duck (1986), Supergirl (1984), Cool as Ice (1991), Friday the 13th: A New Beginning (1985), The Garbage Pail Kids Movie (1987), Leonard Part 6 (1987), Halloween 5: The Revenge of Michael Myers (1989), Superman III (1983), Poltergeist III (1988), A Nightmare on Elm Street: The Dream Child (1989), Police Academy 4: Citizens on Patrol (1987), Wild Orchid (1989), …

Best Options (Comedy): 72.7 Look Who’s Talking Too (1990), 72.5 Teen Wolf Too (1987), 67.8 Smokey and the Bandit Part 3 (1983), 59.0 Suburban Commando (1991), 57.5 Ghost Dad (1990), 54.7 Curse of the Pink Panther (1983), 52.4 Johnny Be Good (1988), 52.4 Porky’s II: The Next Day (1983), 52.3 Porky’s Revenge (1985), 52.2 Revenge of the Nerds II: Nerds in Paradise (1987), 51.8 Police Academy 3: Back in Training (1986), 49.2 King Solomon’s Mines (1985), 48.6 My Stepmother Is an Alien (1988), 47.2 Big Top Pee-wee (1988), 47.2 Transylvania 6-5000 (1985), 44.8 King Ralph (1991), 43.7 Firewalker (1986), 43.6 Young Einstein (1988), 43.3 Deal of the Century (1983), 42.3 Shocker (1989), 42.0 Club Paradise (1986), 41.9 House II: The Second Story (1987), 41.8 Pink Cadillac (1989), 41.6 Loose Cannons (1990), 41.3 Speed Zone (1989), 41.0 Soul Man (1986), …

(Teen Wolf Too would have been a good choice. But man, we really couldn’t leave Soul Man on the table. It is just so nuts.)

Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 21) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: C. Thomas Howell is No. 1 billed in Soul Man and No. 5 billed in Gods and Generals, which also stars Robert Duvall (No. 3 billed) who is in Days of Thunder (No. 2 billed) which also stars Michael Rooker (No. 6 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 4 billed) => (1 + 5) + (3 + 2) + (6 + 4) = 21. If we were to watch The Squeeze, One Good Cop, and Two for the Money we can get the HoE Number down to 17.

Notes – C. Thomas Howell had to wear colored contacts when his skin was toned to look black. His eyes are normally a goldish color and really stood out once his skin was darkened.

C. Thomas Howell’s father, Chris Howell, did the stunts for this movie.

C. Thomas Howell and Rae Dawn Chong met on the set of this film, married, and later divorced.

Tim Robbins was cast in the lead, but dropped out when the filming of Howard the Duck (1986) went over schedule.

The house where Mark has dinner with the Dunbars was a set that was later donated to the California Institute of the Arts and is used by students for filming.

Celtic Pride Recap

Jamie

I always try to start these with an anecdote. Here Patrick is trying to steal my thunder. I am undeterred. On occasion you will see the question posed on Reddit or somesuch about a quote that you and your friends (in this case, my best friend Patrick awwww) use that is wildly obscure, but somehow entered your lexicon. One very common answer for us would be the quote “That’s nice, Peanut,” likely used to denigrate something that someone was excited about, but you are not as enthused by. An example would be the latest and greatest feats of your fantasy football team. Guess what? My team scored 200 points last week. “That’s nice, Peanut.” Translation: sounds nice for you, but really I’m not listening because I do not care. Forever we would have attributed this quote to Jury Duty. Peanut is the name of the dog in Jury Duty… now how this quote would be used given the context that “Peanut” is a dog… no idea. It just always was the connection made. What a shock to find the quote actually came from Celtic Pride. Life changing.

To recap, Jimmy and Mike are lifelong Celtics fans and season ticket holders. They are the pride of the section they inhabit and just when the glorious Boston Garden is about to be demolished it appears like their hard work will finally pay off in one more championship. Up 3-2 it appears to be a lock. However, as their superstitions go awry and the Utah Jazz superstar Lewis Scott gets hot, they lose and set up a deciding game 7. Later on they happen upon Scott at a nightclub and have a brilliant idea: get him so drunk that he’s hungover for the game. Unfortunately they also get blotto and wake up having drunkenly kidnapped him. Both terrified of the consequences of having done this and kinda into the idea of keeping him captive until after the game, they decide to go through with their drunken actions. Given that they are real dumb and losers, Scott is able to turn them against each other and eventually subdue them after a game of pickup basketball. Scott makes them a deal: they better root for the Jazz to win or he’ll turn them in to the authorities. Having reconciled with their families about the likelihood that they will end up in prison, they attend the game and root hard for the Jazz under the guise of a reverse jinx. However, as the Celtics take the lead they give Scott a real pep talk about teamwork and he leads the Jazz back to within a basket. In the end he makes the unselfish play and Jimmy and Mike celebrate the championship with him. Ultimately he makes sure they don’t go to jail. We end with them kidnapping Deion Sanders. THE END.

Alright, so this movie is actually a lot funnier than its reputation would lead you to believe. Akyroyd is far from my favorite actor, but this is one of the better roles I’ve seen him in. Daniel Stern on the other hand is good without any qualifiers. The range of emotions he puts on for this silly movie is impressive. Somehow this kind of ended his mainstream career that had taken off with Home Alone. I don’t know why. He’s good. He’s funny. They couldn’t find an actually good movie for him to be in? Weird. Damon Wayans is a bit raw, but it might be the material. The biggest problem with the film is the plot itself. We have a couple of white Boston superfans kidnapping the “showboating” and “selfish” black athlete. It’s not a good look… like at all. Add in some weird and wild 90’s gay panic jokes that land like a thud and you can see that to be truly resurrected as a cult hit the film would need a nice polishing to buff out the various scratches. Makes it very hard to actually like our main characters. Oh and there’s a scene where Akyroyd hits a half court shot during the game that has no purpose. I do believe there was a purpose to the scene that was edited out for time and so my mind can’t comprehend how the half court shot remained in the film. It is simply not a comedic scene and has no purpose.

Hot Take Clam Bake! Let’s get down to it. Why we’re all here: the truth. The truth is that the Celtics should have won the championship in this movie. It bothered me as a kid. It bothers me even more now. And not because I’m a Celtics fan. I swear. It just works better with the storyline. Hear me out. What if everything in the movie happens. We see the Jazz go down big. We see our main characters give the pep talk to Scott. We see him realize that he has to be unselfish and he helps them take the lead with seconds remaining with a well-timed pass to his teammate. Then we see that he has to guard the Celtic’s best player who makes a move and Scott is just not good enough defensively to stop him and the Celtics win. Our main characters are devastated. They are going to jail, but also it was beautiful basketball. They approach Scott who admits that they were right and he’s not going to turn them in. Instead he’s going to make them pay by crushing the Celtics next year. Flash forward to the Jazz having swept the C’s and Scott thanks his two biggest fans, Jimmy and Mike, who look miserable. That’s better, right? RIGHT?! Hot Take Temperature: He’s On Fire!

Patrick?

Patrick

‘Ello everyone! We talking about pride in my Celtics? That’s nice, Peanut. Let’s go!

Oh man, I’ve seen this film a few times when I was a kid. Which is weird because it wasn’t on TV in the 90s. I think I watched it once on video in the late 90s and then a few times in the very early 2000s. Honestly … loved it.

I’m sure Jamie mentioned it, but amusingly we thought the quote “That’s nice, Peanut” was from Jury Duty starring Pauly Shore for years. Because his dog is named Peanut (naturally). It isn’t. It is from this movie. Dan Aykroyd is talking to his grandmother and explaining how he is probably going to jail, and her response is: “That’s nice, Peanut.” Feels good after all these years to get that right.

And I will say, the film’s timeline is all kinds of fucked. Because they had to film it between when the Celtics vacated the old Garden and before it was destroyed, it meant the filming occurred in the late autumn into the fall. This means that everyone is wearing jackets and you can see everyone’s breath while running around outside. This, of course, is actually supposed to be June in Boston and it would never (ever) be cold enough to see your breath. So the entire thing is kind of surreal because the movie feels like it takes place in the winter, but actually it is supposed to be the summer. Just a very strange choice in filmmaking necessitated by the fact that there was simply one place and time the film could be filmed.

I do think the three main actors are quite funny in the film. The material itself is often annoying or depressing, but everyone gets there odd bit to shine. Aykroyd is probably the main over the top hammy performance which could have been toned down.

The movie though just isn’t very funny (it is actually mostly just unpleasant), and the conclusion is not satisfying in a way … as a Celtics fan I mean.

But the movie is a pretty legendarily bad sports film, which is a rare genre it turns out.

Some awesome Product Placement (What?) for Oscar Mayer hot dogs during the commercial challenge. Oh wait, where was this film taking place again? Oh right, Setting as a Character (Where?) it is set in Boston ha ha. Given the timing issues I noticed, it is a pretty funny Exact Date (When?) movie in that you can assume it is set precisely between the 6th and 7th game of the 1996 NBA championships. Actually genuine Good Twist (How?) for the ultimate conclusion that Utah wins which is somewhat unexpected I think. This movie is BMT through and through and obviously also supremely entertaining.

What else can we learn from Celtic Pride? Find out in the Quiz. Cheerios,

The Sklogs