Hmmmm, should we learn about extramarital affairs? Naw. Let’s go!
Pop Quiz Hot Shot
1) In the movie they play Craps to win most of their money (and then lose it in Roulette). What is is called when you roll a 7 or 11 on the come-out roll?
2) The director Adrian Lyne was nominated for an Oscar for a true blue (and some would say original and best) erotic thriller. What is the name of this affair-from-hell film?
3) No one knows how to play baccarat right? In the game face cards are worth nothing and aces are worth 1. The player is initially given two cards face up and the total is modulo 10. What do the two cards have to add up to for the game to immediately end?
4) Indecent Proposal has been spoofed a bunch across movies and television. The funniest one I think is in a 1994 episode of a television show based on a movie in which Lisa offers Gary a million “game tokens” in exchange for spending the night with her. What is that television show?
5) In the film there is a song called Help Me Make It Through the Night that is sung by an actor/singer who was in many films. One in particular is one of four versions of the film. Name the singer and film.
Bonus NYTimes Listing Question: I’m going to have to ask for an exact title for this one. This is upcoming and the title here is quite generic:
“I guess I’m surprised. Given how you guys talk about that film, I expected something a bit more exciting… and for Sylvester Stallone to show up more than once,” Kyle says, confused. Patrick grabs him by the shirt and growls, “That wasn’t Cobra. I don’t know what the hell that was, but it wasn’t Cobra and don’t you forget it.” His eyes search wildly around on the ground until they find what they’re looking for. “Aha,” he howls and picks up the ‘S’ that had fallen from the marquee. The film they had just spent the last 87 minutes watching was actually ‘Cobras.’ “Saboteur!” Patrick yells and runs back into the theater. He finds the owner enjoying one of his small pleasures in what was otherwise a fairly dull life running a small theater specializing in wildlife films, a small bucket of buttered popcorn. “Check this shit out,” Patrick says with a sneer and throws the ‘S’ at him, knocking over the bucket and spilling the popcorn everywhere. The theater owner sighs. “Ah yes,” he says, sighing loudly again, “that ‘S’ has given me all kinds of trouble.” But as he reaches for it Patrick slaps his hand away. “Don’t you dare pretend you didn’t know. I don’t think Sly Stallone would appreciate you riding his coattails to an unwarranted financial windfall and I certainly don’t think theatergoers like ourselves appreciate getting duped by false promises of unparalleled Sly Stallone action.” He waits a beat before dropping the bomb. “I’m going to sue you. I’m going to sue you for false advertising and ruin you.” Kyle is aghast. He’s never seen Patrick like this. “Unless,” Patrick continues cryptically and then whispers a proposal into the theater owner’s ear. The poor man gasps. “My heavens, man! That’s indecent!” That’s right! We are watching one of the biggest BMT qualifying films of all time. It’s got stars! It’s got box office boffo! It’s got an indecent proposal. It’s Indecent Proposal. Let’s go!
StreetCreditReport.com –BMeTric: top 13.6%; Notability: top 4.0%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 27.0%; Higher BMeT: Super Mario Bros., RoboCop 3, Jason Goes to Hell, Look Who’s Talking Now, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III, Leprechaun, Mr. Nanny, Body of Evidence, Cop & ½, Beethoven’s 2nd, Sliver, Boxing Helena, Weekend at Bernie’s II, Even Cowgirls Get the Blues, The Beverly Hillbillies, Son of the Pink Panther, Made in America, Coneheads, Carnosaur, Pumpkinhead II: Blood Wings, and 14 more; Higher Notability: Hocus Pocus, The Meteor Man, Sister Act 2: Back in the Habit, Coneheads, RoboCop 3, We’re Back! A Dinosaur’s Story, Rising Sun, The Three Musketeers, Son of the Pink Panther, Life with Mikey; Lower RT: Look Who’s Talking Now, Warlock: The Armageddon, Deadfall, Golden Gate, Son of the Pink Panther, Mr. Nanny, Body of Evidence, RoboCop 3, Hexed, Best of the Best II, Ghost in the Machine, Father Hood, Calendar Girl, Pumpkinhead II: Blood Wings, Weekend at Bernie’s II, My Boyfriend’s Back, Cop & ½, Only the Strong, Ernest Rides Again, Gunmen, and 45 more; Notes: A true blue rewatchable, played 48 times on television in the 90s. High notability as well. We are 10/10 for the top 20 there on BMeT, which is pretty good, but points to us needing to still get out and do some 90s films … except not Boxing Helena, I never want to see that film.
RogerEbert.com – 3.0 stars – “Indecent Proposal” is in a very old tradition, in which love is put to the test of need and desire and triumphs in the end, although not without a great many moments when it seems quite willing to cave in to passion. It is artificial and manipulative, and in the real world this sort of thing would never happen in this way, but then that’s why we line up at the ticket window: We want to leave the real world, for a couple of hours, anyway.
(Hell yeah, Ebert. This is what I’m talking about. Indecent Proposal is a cult classic and Ebert recognized it for the amazing slop it was. Bring it on.)
(Ooooof the music. If they did a remake I wonder how much the money would be … $10 million maybe. The point is that it is enough to buy a house straight up. And a nice one. So you would have to have an idea of it buying something like oceanside real estate in LA. $10 million I think.)
Directors – Adrian Lyne – ( Known For: Jacob’s Ladder; Fatal Attraction; Unfaithful; Lolita; Deep Water; 9½ Weeks; Foxes; BMT: Indecent Proposal; Flashdance; Notes: Genuinely, it is a bit unbelievable that a guy could just go for (effectively) erotic thrillers. And he got away with it! Even made Deep Water. He was nominated for an Oscar for Fatal Attraction, arguably the OG erotic thriller.)
Writers – Jack Engelhard – ( BMT: Indecent Proposal; Notes: I didn’t realize it was based on a book. The author himself doesn’t have a wikipedia page so something tells me he was something of a one hit wonder there.)
Amy Holden Jones – ( Known For: Mystic Pizza; The Slumber Party Massacre; Maid to Order; Love Letters; Future BMT: Beethoven; The Relic; Beethoven’s 2nd; The Getaway; The Rich Man’s Wife; BMT: Indecent Proposal; Notes: Big television person now, wrote/created The Resident. She still gets random Beethoven credits, like for Beethoven’s Treasure Trail.)
Actors – Robert Redford – ( Known For: Avengers: Endgame; Captain America: The Winter Soldier; The Sting; Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid; Spy Game; All the President’s Men; Out of Africa; The Last Castle; All Is Lost; A River Runs Through It; Three Days of the Condor; Sneakers; A Bridge Too Far; Pete’s Dragon; The Old Man & the Gun; Charlotte’s Web; The Horse Whisperer; The Discovery; Jeremiah Johnson; The Company You Keep; Future BMT: Lions for Lambs; Up Close & Personal; Havana; BMT: Indecent Proposal; Notes: I have to be honest … of the four films Redford acted in which qualify I genuinely kind of only recognize this one. Won an Oscar for directing Ordinary People, but was nominated for three more (acting in The Sting, and directing/producing Quiz Show). He also has an honorary Oscar.)
Demi Moore – ( Known For: A Few Good Men; Ghost; The Hunchback of Notre Dame; The Unbearable Weight of Massive Talent; Mr. Brooks; Margin Call; Charlie’s Angels: Full Throttle; G.I. Jane; Beavis and Butt-Head Do America; LOL; Rough Night; Disclosure; St. Elmo’s Fire; Deconstructing Harry; Bobby; The Joneses; Flawless; We’re No Angels; Bunraku; About Last Night; Future BMT: The Juror; The Seventh Sign; The Butcher’s Wife; Young Doctors in Love; BMT: Indecent Proposal; Striptease; Now and Then; Nothing But Trouble; The Scarlet Letter; Blame It on Rio; Notes: We’ve basically seen her big ones, The Juror probably being outstanding. Was nominated for an Emmy for If These Walls Could Talk, and getting a lot of buzz for The Substance. Was married to Bruce Willis for a long time.)
Woody Harrelson – ( Known For: No Country for Old Men; The Hunger Games; The Hunger Games: Catching Fire; Now You See Me; Zombieland; Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri; The Hunger Games: Mockingjay – Part 1; Friends with Benefits; Solo: A Star Wars Story; The Hunger Games: Mockingjay – Part 2; War for the Planet of the Apes; Seven Psychopaths; Venom: Let There Be Carnage; Natural Born Killers; Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me; Anger Management; Zombieland: Double Tap; The Thin Red Line; Triangle of Sadness; The Edge of Seventeen; Future BMT: Venom; Now You See Me 2; Seven Pounds; Semi-Pro; After the Sunset; Free Birds; Wildcats; Play It to the Bone; The Cowboy Way; Palmetto; BMT: 2012; Indecent Proposal; Money Train; Notes: Nominated for three Oscars (The People vs. Larry Flint, The Messenger, and Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri). Probably most notably broke out on the scene with Cheers, and again (in television) with the first season of True Detective.)
Budget/Gross – $38 million / Domestic: $106,614,059 (Worldwide: $266,614,059)
(That is a bonafide phenomenon. Not much room for a sequel. Isn’t that always the case with erotic thrillers. And when they buck the trend (I’m looking at you Basic Instinct), they are awful.)
Rotten Tomatoes – 34% (16/47): Lurid but acted with gusto, Indecent Proposal has difficulty keeping it up beyond its initial titillating premise.
(All I need is that titillating premise baby! What are these people on, we are just here for the vague suggestion that Robert Redford has a giant dick, and also some wealth porn with him having a gaudy house and a yacht. It ain’t complicated.)
Reviewer Highlight: Not once in the whole silly exercise does he approximate a genuine emotion. Unable to dramatize marital love, he sells it, as if he were pitching perfume. Having nothing credible to play, Moore and Harrelson strike poses of love and anguish. – David Ansen, Newsweek
(This poster always made me think that Harrelson was the one making the proposal… and then I’d be like “wait, Demi Moore is married to Robert Redford in this movie?” Never made sense and now I know why. I think the poster is intriguing because it’s steamy, but it’s not interesting. C.)
Tagline(s) – A husband. A wife. A millionaire. A proposal. (A+)
(Man that’s good. That’s as good as it gets (but not the film As Good As It Gets, which is not about a millionaire proposing to have sex with someone’s wife)… but just to pick at this a bit. He’s just a millionaire? I guess given that he’s betting a million on single rolls and giving away millions to have sex with people that he would be somewhere in the low billions, even back in the 90’s.)
Keyword(s) – 1991-1999
Top 10: Home Alone 2: Lost in New York (1992), Hook (1991), Batman & Robin (1997), Batman Forever (1995), Big Daddy (1999), Ace Ventura: When Nature Calls (1995), Godzilla (1998), Event Horizon (1997), Demolition Man (1993), The Bone Collector (1999)
Future BMT: 86.8 Street Fighter (1994), 82.9 Inspector Gadget (1999), 79.3 Home Alone 3 (1997), 75.4 Look Who’s Talking Now (1993), 74.9 Junior (1994), 72.3 The Next Karate Kid (1994), 71.9 Mr. Magoo (1997), 67.9 The Crow: City of Angels (1996), 67.1 Turbo: A Power Rangers Movie (1997), 67.0 Mr. Nanny (1993), 63.5 Showgirls (1995), 61.7 Pet Sematary II (1992), 61.5 Cop & ½ (1993), 61.1 Beethoven’s 2nd (1993), 60.4 The Mangler (1995), 60.1 Spawn (1997), 59.7 Children of the Corn II: The Final Sacrifice (1992), 59.5 Jury Duty (1995), 58.1 Child’s Play 3 (1991), 57.9 Holy Man (1998)
BMT: Batman & Robin (1997), Mortal Kombat: Annihilation (1997), Speed 2: Cruise Control (1997), The Avengers (1998), Baby Geniuses (1999), Spice World (1997), Barb Wire (1996), Kazaam (1996), Super Mario Bros. (1993), RoboCop 3 (1993), Highlander II: The Quickening (1991), Jason Goes to Hell (1993), Universal Soldier: The Return (1999), Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot (1992), Steel (1997), Bio-Dome (1996), Striptease (1996), Species II (1998), Freddy’s Dead: The Final Nightmare (1991), The Island of Dr. Moreau (1996), I Still Know What You Did Last Summer (1998), Wild Wild West (1999), Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers (1995), Double Dragon (1994), Anaconda (1997), It’s Pat: The Movie (1994), Cool as Ice (1991), Lawnmower Man 2: Beyond Cyberspace (1995), …
Best Options (Romance): 75.4 Look Who’s Talking Now (1993), 74.9 Junior (1994), 61.1 Beethoven’s 2nd (1993), 54.2 The Bachelor (1999), 52.2 Superstar (1999), 45.4 Home Fries (1998), 44.7 King Ralph (1991), 44.6 I Love Trouble (1994), 38.8 Nowhere to Run (1993), 38.5 My Father the Hero (1994), 38.5 Intersection (1994), 38.4 If Lucy Fell (1996), 38.1 The Butcher’s Wife (1991), 37.7 Mad Love (1995), 36.9 The Beautician and the Beast (1997), 36.8 Milk Money (1994), 36.5 Two If by Sea (1996), 36.4 Booty Call (1997), 35.5 Something to Talk About (1995), 34.8 The Crush (1993), 34.6 Drive Me Crazy (1999), 34.3 Woo (1998), 33.7 ‘Til There Was You (1997), 33.4 Career Opportunities (1991), 33.0 Indecent Proposal (1993), …
(Couldn’t pass up the opportunity to do an erotic thriller classic. But yeah, The Bachelor would have been something else indeed. Does that movie even really exist? Some day people will ask wait … Chris O’Donnell was in movies?)
Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 14) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Demi Moore is No. 2 billed in Indecent Proposal and No. 1 billed in Striptease, which also stars Burt Reynolds (No. 2 billed) who is in In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale (No. 5 billed) which also stars Leelee Sobieski (No. 3 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 1 billed) => (2 + 1) + (2 + 5) + (3 + 1) = 14. If we were to watch Havana we can get the HoE Number down to 12.
Notes – Director Adrian Lyne was originally dismissive of casting Woody Harrelson as David, but changed his mind after watching White Men Can’t Jump (1992). Harrelson said in one interview that doing love scenes with Demi Moore was uncomfortable because he was good friends with Moore’s then-husband, Bruce Willis.
Director Adrian Lyne and Demi Moore often fought on-set over her character, with Woody Harrelson trying to be mediator between the two. Lyne had argued that he wanted Moore to show vulnerability, while the actress defended herself. It was later while Lyne was editing this movie that he realized she was portraying what he wanted all along, and he soon apologized to Moore.
During the auction scene, John Gage (Robert Redford) is to leave the room. Redford kept missing his cue because he was listening to the jokes that auction emcee Sir Billy Connolly was saying.
Demi Moore’s black cut-out Thierry Mugler-designed dress generated such immense interest after the movie’s release, it was often copied by other designers.
The tears shed by Demi Moore in the touching “girl that got away scene” in which Gage describes a past chance meeting with a beautiful girl are genuine. This scene was filmed without co-star Moore knowing any of Redfords dialogue, instead just being told to listen.
Awards – Winner for the Razzie Award for Worst Picture (Sherry Lansing)
Nominee for the Razzie Award for Worst Actor (Robert Redford)
Nominee for the Razzie Award for Worst Actress (Demi Moore)
Winner for the Razzie Award for Worst Supporting Actor (Woody Harrelson)
Nominee for the Razzie Award for Worst Director (Adrian Lyne)
It actually makes me a little wistful thinking about things like Raise Your Voice. Hilary Duff occurred in a golden age of female teen pop actresses to the point where you could place her in a pyramid that goes from C-movies up to the A+ superstar. Mean Girls is Lindsey Lohan at her A+ peak. The Hottie and the Nottie is Paris Hilton at her C-movie F-minus nadir. Hilary Duff obviously falls somewhere near the top. I dream of going back to where there is so much demand that a sub-sub-genre like this can explore everything under the sun. A world where Here on Earth has a series of sequels in the HoECU. A world where The Mummy starring Tom Cruise has not just one sequel, but a whole Dark Universe. Is it weird that I went from Hilary Duff all the way back to The Mummy starring Tom Cruise? I don’t think so.
To recap, Hilary Duff is just a small town girl who loves to sing. She loves to perform for her family, but that means bupkis when it comes to whether she can be a star. So can she? Her brother thinks so. Just when it looks like she might be making it out of town her brother dies when a drunk driver hits him. The family is devastated and Hilary Duff puts her dreams on hold… that is until she finds out that she got into the big music program in LA she applied to. Her dad says no, but her mom says that she has to do this for herself and helps cover for her for the summer. Off Hilary Duff goes to the big city. She’s soon meeting all these amazing talented kids, but what about little ol’ her? Seems like she’s getting lost in the shuffle and just can’t find her voice. Her voice teacher sees something in her though and eventually reveals that it’s because with her applications came something unexpected: a video from her brother about how great she is (awww). The teacher is like “you don’t seem so great actually, so I guess your brother was a liar,” or something to that effect. Additionally she has the coolest boy in school (who also dated her arch nemesis last summer) into little ol’ her. Gulp. Will she be able to get things in her life sorted before the big show at the end of the year? You better believe it. With the help and support of her family she rocks out at the last show and… loses like a big ol’ loser. But that’s OK because it’s all about the frenemies we made along the way. THE END.
There is a movie that I like buried in the junk that is Raise Your Voice. The elevator pitch of this film is kind of my jam. Small town girl with all the talent in the world and star potential powered by her joy. Her brother dies and she just can’t jam out anymore until a teacher reveals that performance is communication and communication comes from the heart and the emotions she’s feeling don’t make her less of a star, but can actually be a source of strength. I’m tearing up just thinking about it. I’m tearing up for a different reason thinking about how they took that concept and turned it into some tween Disney bullshit about the rockinest boy in school maybe smooching little ol’ Hilary Duff. People talk about films insulting the intelligence of their audience and this is one of the best examples of that in BMT. I was insulted.
Hot Take Clam Bake! You know that brother that allegedly died in a car accident? We ever get to see a body on that one? Open that coffin Premonition style because unless his head pops out for everyone to see I’m not buying it. This is the long con. He knows that Hilary Duff doesn’t have the stuff to tough out the rough semester. Only through his death can she fulfill her destiny, so he obliges. It’s barely in frame, but in the background of the big performance you can see the brother peeking in from a window. He’s watching his grand plan come together. Either that or he’s a spooky ghost helping Hilary Duff (not) win the competition The 6th Man style. Hot Take Temperature: Jay Corgan.
Patrick?
Patrick
‘Ello everyone! Raise your voice! No seriously … I’ve had a terrible accident and now can barely hear the dulcet tones of Hilary Duff. Let’s go!
Top Line: I’ve told this story before, right? Long ago, in a hometown far far away, Jamie and I lived and went to high school. In high school, there were two lady friends who would make us watch ridiculous movies which we hated! (or so they thought, we secretly loved them and it would become one of the seeds from which BMT would be born). Grind?! Blech (we would say as we popped in the VHS tape for the 7th time). Well, one day Jamie was off … doing whatever. And I didn’t have anything to do. These two ladies were like “come see a movie” and I was like “sure what’s the worst that could happen?” But then egad! It was Raise Your Voice! And the lady friends both fell asleep within the first 10 minutes of the film leaving Patrick stewing in an empty theater watching a movie that just sucked (and not like Grind!). I couldn’t just leave because they were my ride! What a disaster. I’ve held that experience as a pithy anecdote to trot out at parties ever since. Everyone loves it, I assume. The End.
Anyways, yeah, I’ve never seen that film again … until now!
So how was it? Uh … not good. The acting is horrid (except maybe Kat Dennings which for whatever reason I always think is pretty good in a mumbly sort of way), and the story is bland.
Bland?! Well … yeah, the guy from Sex in the City doesn’t even have inappropriate relationships with anyone! To be clear, I don’t want that to happen, but where is the drama? He’s just like a normal good teacher character?
The evil girl isn’t even really evil, it isn’t like she tries to ruin the performance at the end. If anything it is just Hilary Duff herself who attempts to sabotage herself by being a saddo.
And worst of all? The accident in the beginning (on a clear stroad, the most dangerous of all infrastructure), doesn’t even make sense. He is making a left turn onto a side street and then he’s T-boned on the driver’s side? Was this drunk driver going the wrong way down this stroad? Get the fudge out of here! What a goof!
Anyways, I suppose we all learn a valuable lesson: if you are naturally an incredibly talented singer you should go to LA and hang at a summer camp for free and win scholarships and junk. The End.
Also even if your brother died literally just a few weeks ago, don’t be a big old saddo. No one likes a saddo.
You best belieb we have a major Product Placement (What?) alert for Sobe (and Three Days Grace? Maybe). A very very Setting as a Character (Where?) film for LA. And while I secretly love how cheesy this film is, I still think this falls just into the Bad category for being boring and bland, it needed more drama to push it over the top.
Read all about my spin off Disney series in the Quiz. Cheerios,
Oh man, so get this. I was at singing camp. Again. Everyone loves my voice. But I was pretty saddo about my dead brother, so I did pack my bags (again) and leave the school (again). Or I planned to, but my suitcase fell off my dresser and bopped me right on the head! So I can’t remember a thing. Do you remember what happened in Raise Your Voice?
Pop Quiz Hot Shot!
1) There is a pretty important event right at the beginning of the film. That’s right, an awesome Three Days Grace concert! Oh … yeah something else did happen. How did HIlary Duff’s brother die?
2) Well, also Duff’s Bad Dad Business Dad is a small business owner and he doesn’t want Duff to go to singing camp. Where does Business Dad want Duff to work instead?
3) Welp, screw you Bad Dad Business Dad, I’m going to singing camp anyways. Where does Bad Dad Business Dad think she’s going?
4) At camp Duff quickly makes four awesome friends. What instruments do all the friends (Jay, Kiwi, Denise, and Sloane) play?
5) In the end, who wins the big scholarship at the end?
Bonus Question: Hmmm, an unlisted number on the cell. Who is it?
“Cursed schmershed,” Patrick says looking at the latest standings and beaming. It took them a few weeks of intense training best summarized in a montage, but eventually they got there. They were officially the best hog farmers in all of Grand Paris. Sure, the former number one team mysteriously came down with heat exhaustion after their air conditioning unit failed. And sure, that was because a family of squirrels dumped a whole mess of acorns into the cooling unit. And sure, the squirrels only moved into the cooling unit because their home was destroyed by the farmers’ tractor. And sure, the tractor only destroyed the squirrels’ home because it was fitted with the wrong sized harrow. And sure, they only had the wrong sized harrow because their harrow supplier had also gotten sick due to heat exhaustion (coincidentally by very similar circumstances). And sure, they only needed the new harrow because the old one was stolen after some local street toughs mistook it for valuable treasure. And sure, that mistake only happened because they painted the harrow gold for Mardi Gras. And sure, they decided to do that because… actually, they can’t remember why they thought a gold harrow was a good Mardi Gras float. “But that happens, right?” Kyle says out of nowhere. Patrick pretends like he doesn’t know what he’s talking about. When Patrick looks over to Jamie to confirm that they don’t know what Kyle is talking about, though, it seems like Jamie really doesn’t know what’s going on. Patrick gently touches Jamie’s elbow, startling him in the process. “You okay?” Patrick asks, which gets an even more startled look from Jamie. “Are you guys talking about something? I literally cannot hear you,” Jamie shouts. “Raise your…” *gasp* Suddenly they realize that Jamie has lost his hearing. That’s right! Talk about nostalgia. The Hilary Duff classic Raise Your Voice is right in the High School sweet spot when me and Patrick were no longer girls, but not yet women (and yes, I know that’s a Britney Spears song, I’m not an idiot). Let’s go!
Raise Your Voice (2004) – BMeTric: 36.1; Notability: 32
StreetCreditReport.com –BMeTric: top 20.0%; Notability: top 28.8%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 13.1%; Higher BMeT: Catwoman, Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2, You Got Served, Torque, Taxi, Soul Plane, Anacondas: The Hunt for the Blood Orchid, Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen, Thunderbirds, Seed of Chucky, Garfield: The Movie, Envy, Agent Cody Banks 2: Destination London, Godsend, New York Minute, Exorcist: The Beginning, Scooby-Doo 2: Monsters Unleashed, First Daughter, The Stepford Wives, Johnson Family Vacation, and 30 more; Higher Notability: Catwoman, Shark Tale, Van Helsing, The Chronicles of Riddick, King Arthur, Scooby-Doo 2: Monsters Unleashed, Alexander, Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason, After the Sunset, Blade: Trinity, Alien vs. Predator, She Hate Me, The Stepford Wives, Man on Fire, Meet the Fockers, The Princess Diaries 2: Royal Engagement, Around the World in 80 Days, Along Came Polly, Raising Helen, The Phantom of the Opera, and 52 more; Lower RT: Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2, Twisted, Godsend, The Whole Ten Yards, The Cookout, Christmas with the Kranks, Johnson Family Vacation, My Baby’s Daddy, Yu-Gi-Oh!: The Movie – Pyramid of Light, Envy, Surviving Christmas, Catwoman, First Daughter, Taxi, House of D, Exorcist: The Beginning, A Cinderella Story, New York Minute, Employee of the Month, Against the Ropes, and 12 more; Notes: This is fairly mid-table, but has been on the docket since I somehow watched this in theaters in 2004. The girl I went with fell asleep four seconds into the movie as I watched this thing with the horrible realization that she was my ride and I couldn’t just leave.
RogerEbert.com – 1.0 stars – Does that mean (a) she comes home, right now, or (b) her mom and Aunt Nina work on dad, and, wouldn’t you know, the auditorium door opens and dad walks in just in time for his daughter to see him from the stage halfway through her big solo. The answer of course is (b), right down to the obligatory moment when the disapproving parent in the audience nods at the gifted child onstage and does the heartfelt little nod that means “you were right, honey.” But her dad was right about one thing. Something terrible did happen to her in Los Angeles. She made this movie.
(Kind of plucked out of the review, but I love the zinger right at the end and also just eviscerating the entire rote concept of the film.)
(Ooooooooof they open with the movie. The movie looked like shit and I can’t believe the teacher was like this is what got you into the program. Ugh, and then the teacher plays the cello like an asshole and everyone is in love with him. This movie looks amazing and brutal.)
Directors – Sean McNamara – ( Known For: Soul Surfer; 3 Ninjas: High Noon at Mega Mountain; Spare Parts; The Miracle Season; On a Wing and a Prayer; Field of Lost Shoes; Cody the Robosapien; P.U.N.K.S.; Space Warriors; Race to Space; Treehouse Hostage; The Legend of Galgameth; Mighty Oak; Aliens Stole My Body; BMT: Raise Your Voice; Bratz; The King’s Daughter; Notes: Nominated for an Emmy for That’s So Raven. He clearly was heavily involved in children’s programming in general as he produced and directed Even Stevens. I don’t like how much he seems involved with Jon Voight.)
Writers – Mitch Rotter – ( BMT: Raise Your Voice; Notes: Heavily involved with soundtracks and played a Folk Singer in this film. Which explains why this is his only credit I suppose. Was the soundtrack supervisor for Bones.)
Sam Schreiber – ( BMT: Raise Your Voice; Notes: Who knows what this guy does, he has a pre-production film he is a script consultant for, but something tells me that is fake.)
Actors – Hilary Duff – ( Known For: The Lizzie McGuire Movie; War, Inc.; Playing by Heart; Human Nature; Foodfight!; According to Greta; The Haunting of Sharon Tate; Stay Cool; She Wants Me; Bloodworth; Flock of Dudes; Wings; Future BMT: A Cinderella Story; Agent Cody Banks; The Perfect Man; BMT: Cheaper by the Dozen; Cheaper by the Dozen 2; Raise Your Voice; Material Girls; What Goes Up; Notes: Ooooooooh yeah, I forgot she was basically the main character in How I Met Your Father. Prior to that she starred in Younger as well. She has four kids.)
John Corbett – ( Known For: Tombstone; My Big Fat Greek Wedding; To All the Boys I’ve Loved Before; Serendipity; Volcano; The Silence; To All the Boys: P.S. I Still Love You; To All the Boys: Always and Forever; 47 Meters Down: Uncaged; Gully; The Burning Plain; Ramona and Beezus; I Hate Valentine’s Day; Dinner Rush; Baby on Board; Elvis Has Left the Building; The Lookalike; Dreamland; All Saints; Bigger Than the Sky; Future BMT: Street Kings; The Messengers; Raising Helen; Flight of the Intruder; God’s Not Dead: A Light in Darkness; BMT: Sex and the City 2; The Boy Next Door; My Big Fat Greek Wedding 2; Raise Your Voice; My Big Fat Greek Wedding 3; Notes: Nominated for an Emmy for Northern Exposure. But I think he is obviously most famous for his continuing roles in the Sex and the City and My Big Fat Greek Wedding series.)
Rebecca De Mornay – ( Known For: Wedding Crashers; Identity; American Reunion; Risky Business; Flipped; Backdraft; Lords of Dogtown; The Hand That Rocks the Cradle; Runaway Train; Mother’s Day; I Am Wrath; One from the Heart; Testament; Apartment 1303 3D; Music Within; The Trip to Bountiful; Thick as Thieves; And God Created Woman; The Right Temptation; The Winner; Future BMT: The Three Musketeers; Guilty as Sin; Feds; The Slugger’s Wife; BMT: Raise Your Voice; Never Talk to Strangers; Notes: The only thing I really remember about her is that she had a huge amount of clout in the 90s and used all of it to produce and star in Never Talk to Strangers. Didn’t work out.)
(You know, if you can make Pearl and X for $1 million, I just don’t see how this is $15 million. There is no way they thought this would make more than $15 million right? Make with the synergy with a Duff release the box office wasn’t a huge deal.)
Rotten Tomatoes – 16% (13/83): A bland, formulaic tween version of Fame.
(Fuck … yeah that nailed it. It is a formulaic bad version of Fame. I couldn’t put it better myself.)
Reviewer Highlight: Ms. Duff’s screen presence and the film’s infectious high spirits will make this piece of fluff appealing to young moviegoers without conveying any sinister messages. – Anita Gates, New York Times
(Sometimes a poster can be bad by just doing its job. There is no other poster Raise Your Voice can have… weird skewed font and all. Still, not good and far too busy. C-.)
Tagline(s) – Don’t hold back. Don’t give up. (C+)
(It’s generic, but it’s got some flow. Like they didn’t totally botch this. I’m also a sucker for messages like this. No matter how cheesy I like when films aimed at kids are basically like “work hard.” That seems good.)
Keyword(s) – 1999-2007
Top 10: The Matrix Revolutions (2003), The Butterfly Effect (2004), The Da Vinci Code (2006), The Fast and the Furious (2001), Men in Black II (2002), Man on Fire (2004), Click (2006), Pearl Harbor (2001), Fantastic Four (2005), Kingdom of Heaven (2005)
Future BMT: 93.5 Date Movie (2006), 90.0 House of the Dead (2003), 88.9 BloodRayne (2005), 87.1 The Adventures of Sharkboy and Lavagirl 3-D (2005), 82.9 Inspector Gadget (1999), 81.8 The Flintstones in Viva Rock Vegas (2000), 81.4 You Got Served (2004), 79.3 Daddy Day Camp (2007), 79.1 Boogeyman (2005), 78.0 Who’s Your Caddy? (2007), 77.8 Nutty Professor II: The Klumps (2000), 72.6 Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector (2006), 72.4 Bewitched (2005), 72.2 Legally Blonde 2: Red, White & Blonde (2003), 72.1 Zoom (2006), 71.1 Soul Plane (2004), 70.6 The Shaggy Dog (2006), 70.3 Delta Farce (2007), 69.3 Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen (2004), 69.2 The Santa Clause 3: The Escape Clause (2006)
BMT: Epic Movie (2007), Battlefield Earth (2000), Catwoman (2004), Son of the Mask (2005), Gigli (2003), Alone in the Dark (2005), The Wicker Man (2006), Dumb and Dumberer: When Harry Met Lloyd (2003), Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2 (2004), In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale (2007), The Cat in the Hat (2003), Halloween: Resurrection (2002), The Fog (2005), Rollerball (2002), Baby Geniuses (1999), From Justin to Kelly (2003), Norbit (2007), The Master of Disguise (2002), I Know Who Killed Me (2007), Glitter (2001), Ultraviolet (2006), Bratz (2007), Book of Shadows: Blair Witch 2 (2000), Dragon Wars: D-War (2007), Feardotcom (2002), The Adventures of Pluto Nash (2002), Jason X (2001), xXx: State of the Union (2005), Torque (2004), Aliens vs. Predator: Requiem (2007), Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever (2002), Material Girls (2006), Universal Soldier: The Return (1999), Little Man (2006), Basic Instinct 2 (2006), Taxi (2004), Elektra (2005), Kangaroo Jack (2003), Driven (2001), A Sound of Thunder (2005), Are We Done Yet? (2007), Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo (2005), …
Best Options (Romance): 93.5 Date Movie (2006), 81.8 The Flintstones in Viva Rock Vegas (2000), 77.8 Nutty Professor II: The Klumps (2000), 72.6 Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector (2006), 72.4 Bewitched (2005), 64.3 Van Wilder: The Rise of Taj (2006), 57.6 The Next Best Thing (2000), 54.9 Honey (2003), 54.2 The Bachelor (1999), 54.1 Maid in Manhattan (2002), 53.9 The Divorce (2003), 53.6 Abandon (2002), 52.8 Just My Luck (2006), 52.3 Loser (2000), 52.1 Superstar (1999), …
(This is a shockingly low BMeTric, but it was the most true and fun option I thought. There are tons available, but c’mon, Hilary Duff in Raise Your Voice! Crossroads here we come!)
Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 17) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: David Keith is No. 3 billed in Raise Your Voice and No. 2 billed in Firestarter, which also stars Drew Barrymore (No. 1 billed) who is in Blended (No. 2 billed) which also stars Adam Sandler (No. 1 billed) who is in Jack and Jill (No. 1 billed) which also stars Al Pacino (No. 2 billed) who is in 88 Minutes (No. 1 billed) which also stars Leelee Sobieski (No. 3 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 1 billed) => (3 + 2) + (1 + 2) + (1 + 1) + (2 + 1) + (3 + 1) = 17. If we were to watch The Perfect Man, and The Glass House we can get the HoE Number down to 12.
Notes – Evan Rachel Wood and Jonathan Jackson were the original choices for the roles of Terri and Jay respectively, but both dropped out due to production changes, as did Annie Potts (who was set to play Terri’s mother) and director James Hayman. The story’s location was then changed from New York City to Los Angeles.
Was originally entitled “Heart of Summer”, but the film’s release date was pushed back from August to October, so the title was changed accordingly.
The rock band that Terri and her brother go see, is Three Days Grace and are singing “Are you Ready?”.
Hilary Duff (Teresa ‘Terri’ Fletcher) and Davida Williams (Lauren) were previously in Disney Channel’s Lizzie McGuire (2001). Hilary Duff played the lead role Lizzie McGuire and Davida played a recurring, minor character for 12 episodes.
Originally pitched as a “Christian Music Project” with Jaci Velasquez and Rachael Lampa suggested for the lead, and Kirk Franklin for the music teacher.
Awards – Nominee for the Razzie Award for Worst Actress (Hilary Duff)
I don’t know how we do it. I don’t know how we watch I Don’t Know How She Does It and follow it up with G-Force. I don’t know how we keep falling so far behind that I have to write about I Don’t Know How She Does It and G-Force in the same day. I don’t know how we have so many good films we could watch or books we could read and lives we could live and yet we watch I Don’t Know How She Does It and G-Force… like back-to-back. I don’t know how I watched both these movies recently and seem to not be able to remember when and where I did it… like… I watched I Don’t Know How She Does it before watching G-Force? I don’t remember that. Is it possible I watched them both at the same time while holding an iPad in one hand and my phone in the other with the Red Sox game playing on mute in the background? Is that possible? I feel like that’s how I did it.
To recap, Kate is a working mom who seems to have everything under control. Don’t mind that her husband quit his job to start his own company or that she has to travel for her finance job a bunch or that she never has time to make things for her kids bake sale or… that she just had a huge project accepted at work that’ll take her to NYC all the time to work with Pierce Brosnan?! Whaaa?! It’s the opportunity of a lifetime and you know what… she can do it… right? Turns out she can, but not without a bunch of people judging her and everything going awry for three months. Things start to heat up a little when Pierce Brosnan takes her out for bowling in Cleveland. Now you are probably like “Ha! It’s funny because they are bowling in Cleveland.” Well to that I say, “What’s so funny?” Sounds like a wonderful evening. I’m totally unsurprised that this ended up making Kate worry about her relationship with Pierce Brosnan and how it might look. Bowling is damn sexy and he was sexy doing it. If someone saw her there they probably (actually, definitely) would assume they were having an affair. Bowling! Cleveland! May as well have booked a hotel at the Ritz… What was I talking about? Oh right, anyway she’s great so she succeeds and Pierce Brosnan is like “Sex, maybe?” and she’s like no… maybe have sex with my single friend instead. He agrees. She then uses her leverage from the big success to strike a new work-life balance with her boss. THE END.
Not much happens in this movie. It really just seems like a family with some young kids who find themselves in a particularly stressful moment in both their professional lives. It lasts for about three months during which the husband gets his company off the ground and the wife gets a big deal done… then things are OK because they got those things done. That’s cool. It’s a perfectly fine plot for a book… maybe not visually all that interesting. They also seemed to realize this as the film is made as if it’s part documentary with interviews with the characters stuck in there. This is not just bizarre but bad enough that someone needed to step in and stop it from happening. I don’t blame them for wanting to do something to spice it up, but it doesn’t work at all. Honestly they just needed to raise the stakes a bit or something (anything). Weird movie. Greg Kinnear and SJP are actually fine though. Oh, and there’s a scene where SJP and Brosnan go bowling in Cleveland and it’s the most unbelievable “league night” bowling scene in cinematic history.
Hot Take Clam Bake! Pierce Brosnan should have ended up with Momo. He’s a workaholic. She’s a workaholic. They’ve also already met… unlike SJP’s friend that she ends up setting him up with. He ends up sipping mai tai’s on a beach somewhere with that friend rather than making teamwork dreamwork with Momo as a power couple? I don’t think so. He’s a maniac! A maniac that thought SJP was going to leave her family for a work relationship. Guess who’s also a maniac? Momo. Mistake. Hot Take Temperature: Bowling in Cleveland.
Patrick?
Patrick
‘Ello everyone! Are we talking about a romantic comedy no one knows about about business business lady doing business things? Let’s go!
The biggest crime of the film is the weird interview style jokes they throw into the film every so often. Really terrible idea, never works, and keeps on going for most of (if not all of) the film for no reason.
The second biggest crime is the plot which is boring and dumb. Let’s make bankers look nice in the wake of the financial collapse. No thanks.
And the third biggest crime is that the entire movie is a bit gross in how it treats the idea of working in general.
No comment on the treatment of motherhood … although, also seems gross. Yo, Greg Kinnear. Pick up the slack bro.
Let’s see if I can even remember the storylines we are dealing with. SJP wants to make a sweet financial fund that will really help people. Kinnear has an architecture start-up and just got the Big Deal. Momo loves work but is going to have a baby (awwww). Brosnan is a hottie with a body and doesn’t need no woman (except SJP?). Kelsey Grammer is a monster who wants his employees to die at their desk (in not so many words). The end.
There is a moment in the film where Brosnan is basically like “adultery?” and she’s like “naw I have a fambly.” Jamie didn’t think this was weird. I thought it was weird. I’ll leave it to the audience.
But yeah, boring film. Not funny. Not interesting. Didn’t like it.
Definitely great Setting as a Character (Where?) for Boston. And a Secret Holiday Film (When?) for T-Givs which is RUINED by work. And a Worst Twist (How?) for the obvious twist that Brosnan is now dating Sarah Jessica Parker’s friend at the end. This film is Bad.
Oh man, so get this. I don’t really like … get how my wife does it? Like even thinking about it gave me a headache so bad the doctor said it gave me a concussion and now I don’t remember a thing! Do you remember what happened in I Don’t Know How She Does It?
Pop Quiz Hot Shot!
1) In the beginning of the film we learn the secret to How She Does It. What is the thing she does every night as she falls asleep that is the secret to her success?
2) Uh oh, someone is moving on up. Seems like I also don’t know how He Does It (professionally). What does Greg Kinnear do for a living?
3) Well, it looks like I still Don’t Know How She Does It. Or is it What She Does? What does she do for a living and what is the big project she’ll be working on with bonafide hunk Pierce Brosnan?
4) What is the final straw for Greg Kinnear which makes him go I Don’t Know Why She Does It?! And just when her project was going so well too!
5) What big event does she promise her young daughter and Greg Kinnear is like I Don’t Think She’s Going To Do It, and everyone is like She’s Definitely Going To Do It?
Bonus Question: I was just wiping away the tears from my rewatch of I Don’t Know How She Does It when my agent calls. What does he want?
Oh, how they danced! Kyle and Sabrina twirled the night away. “This is the best prom evvvveerrrrrr,” Kyle screamed in glee. The lights! The decorations! The “Mannequin Factory After Dark” theme! Sweating, he asks if she would like to sit and have a drink. “The punch looks delicious,” he says. She gives no response. Playing coy, as usual. “Oh, you are incorrigible,” he says with a chuckle, “but I am tired so why don’t you take a seat and I’ll grab you a drink.” As he fetches the punch he realizes the flashlight in his hand is flickering. As he puts it up to his face to try to steady the beam it flashes again and briefly blinds him. In that moment he gets the sense that he’s not at the prom at all. It seemed instead that he was in some horrific underground lair. The floor is strewn with bones. The air is musty and cold. Worst of all he caught a glimpse of two men unconscious on the floor. While muscular, these men weren’t overly muscular but rather ideal in tone. They had the bodies of dancers and were exceptionally handsome to boot. He gasps when he realizes the most startling fact. They were identical. Identical just like his beautiful mannequins. He must save these mannequin-like men! But when he looks at his flashlight is now completely dead. He looks around the prom, but it’s again all beautiful dancing mannequins as far as the eye can see. How can such heaven also be such hell? Suddenly he sees a mannequin in the corner shaking with fear. She’s afraid. How strange. That’s it! This mannequin must be able to see the world for what it is… but how? “I don’t know how she does it,” Kyle mutters. That’s right! We are watching I Don’t Know How She Does It… more like I Don’t Know Why We’re Watching This, am I right? Let’s go!
I Don’t Know How She Does It (2011) – BMeTric: 57.9; Notability: 38
StreetCreditReport.com –BMeTric: top 7.6%; Notability: top 16.4%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 10.6%; Higher BMeT: Jack and Jill, The Human Centipede 2 (Full Sequence), Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance, Spy Kids 4: All the Time in the World, Shark Night, Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked, Big Mommas: Like Father, Like Son, Bucky Larson: Born to Be a Star, The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1, 11-11-11, Hellraiser: Revelations, The Roommate, The Darkest Hour, Conan the Barbarian, Abduction, Hoodwinked Too! Hood vs. Evil, Zookeeper, Apollo 18, Twixt; Higher Notability: Transformers: Dark of the Moon, Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides, Cars 2, Green Lantern, The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1, New Year’s Eve, The Smurfs, Hop, Red Riding Hood, Your Highness, Jack and Jill, Battle Los Angeles, Hoodwinked Too! Hood vs. Evil, The Hangover Part II, Sucker Punch, I Am Number Four, In Time, Larry Crowne, Johnny English Reborn, Just Go with It, and 21 more; Lower RT: Faces in the Crowd, Hellraiser: Revelations, Love, Wedding, Marriage, Jack and Jill, Bucky Larson: Born to Be a Star, The Roommate, A Little Bit of Heaven, Hick, Abduction, Big Mommas: Like Father, Like Son, Dream House, New Year’s Eve, 11-11-11, Trespass, Red Riding Hood, Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked, Season of the Witch, Hoodwinked Too! Hood vs. Evil, The Darkest Hour, Atlas Shrugged: Part I, and 6 more; Notes: We really are at almost exactly half of the big boys in this era, it is amazing. We have so many to do, but I would argue we really have hit up like 70% of the best options. Ugh, we have to rewatch the Transformer films at some point.
EW – D+ –I don’t know why she does it.
(That’s a classic zinger by Lisa Schwarzbaum from EW. I might have to buy the last Leonard Maltin guide. I can get the 2010 edition online (kind of), but I just miss this one and I am pretty curious as to what Ebert / Maltin thought of this. Alas this had to be a rare miss.)
(We talking about a secret Christmas film in New York?! I guess sign me up. Oh the movie? Looks lame.)
Directors – Douglas McGrath – ( Known For: Emma; Infamous; Nicholas Nickleby; Company Man; Becoming Mike Nichols; BMT: I Don’t Know How She Does It; Notes: Nominated for an Oscar for writing Bullets Over Broadway. Died in 2022.)
Writers – Aline Brosh McKenna – ( Known For: The Devil Wears Prada; Cruella; 27 Dresses; We Bought a Zoo; Morning Glory; Your Place or Mine; Future BMT: Annie; Laws of Attraction; Three to Tango; BMT: I Don’t Know How She Does It; Notes: Created Crazy Ex-Girlfriend. Was apparently the fifth person hired to adapt The Devil Wears Prada.)
Allison Pearson – ( BMT: I Don’t Know How She Does It; Notes: Apparently a columnist for The Daily Telegraph and supported Brexit.)
Actors – Sarah Jessica Parker – ( Known For: Mars Attacks!; Ed Wood; Sex and the City; Footloose; The Family Stone; The First Wives Club; Hocus Pocus 2; Flight of the Navigator; L.A. Story; Smart People; State and Main; Extreme Measures; Honeymoon in Vegas; Girls Just Want to Have Fun; Strangers with Candy; All Roads Lead to Rome; Miami Rhapsody; Here and Now; What She Said: The Art of Pauline Kael; Spinning Into Butter; Future BMT: Hocus Pocus; Striking Distance; If Lucy Fell; ‘Til There Was You; Firstborn; BMT: New Year’s Eve; Failure to Launch; Sex and the City 2; Did You Hear About the Morgans?; Escape from Planet Earth; I Don’t Know How She Does It; Dudley Do-Right; Notes: Nominated for 10 Emmys for Sex and the City, won two of them. Still doing it too, which is kind of a trip to think about.)
Pierce Brosnan – ( Known For: The World’s End; Mrs. Doubtfire; Mamma Mia!; GoldenEye; Mars Attacks!; Die Another Day; The World Is Not Enough; Tomorrow Never Dies; Percy Jackson & the Olympians: The Lightning Thief; The Ghost Writer; The Foreigner; Mamma Mia! Here We Go Again; Eurovision Song Contest: The Story of Fire Saga; The Thomas Crown Affair; No Escape; Cinderella; The Matador; Survivor; The Out-Laws; A Long Way Down; Future BMT: Remember Me; Dante’s Peak; The November Man; After the Sunset; Laws of Attraction; Love Affair; BMT: Black Adam; The Lawnmower Man; I Don’t Know How She Does It; The King’s Daughter; Notes: I talked a bit about his family like in the Black Adam preview. He’s James Bond! Sure most of his Bond films weren’t very good, but GoldenEye is still great, and a great video game.)
Kelsey Grammer – ( Known For: X-Men: Days of Future Past; Toy Story 2; X-Men: The Last Stand; Anastasia; Neighbors 2: Sorority Rising; The Marvels; Storks; Middle Men; Like Father; Jesus Revolution; Father Christmas Is Back; Crazy on the Outside; Best of Enemies: Buckley vs. Vidal; Trollhunters: Rise of the Titans; Money Plane; Grand Isle; Even Money; The God Committee; The Big Empty; 7 Guardians of the Tomb; Future BMT: Entourage; 15 Minutes; Down Periscope; Think Like a Man Too; Just Visiting; Swing Vote; Fame; An American Carol; BMT: Transformers: Age of Extinction; The Expendables 3; I Don’t Know How She Does It; Legends of Oz: Dorothy’s Return; Notes: Won five Emmys. Was kind of famously a rare right wing Hollywood guy back when that was just considered an odd quirk of the Clinton era.)
(A joke so nice I’ll use it twice. I might even use it thrice. Stay tuned. So this is bad, but it’s artistic in a way that belies its badness. Does that make it good? Not exactly. But it rises all the way up to mediocrity. C.)
Tagline(s) – If it were easy, men would do it too. (F)
(I don’t… I don’t know what this means.)
Keyword(s) – 2007-2015
Top 10: The Dark Knight (2008), Inception (2010), Interstellar (2014), The Dark Knight Rises (2012), Django Unchained (2012), Inglourious Basterds (2009), The Wolf of Wall Street (2013), The Avengers (2012), Shutter Island (2010), Avatar (2009)
Future BMT: 96.3 Disaster Movie (2008), 90.5 Vampires Suck (2010), 84.2 Spy Kids 4: All the Time in the World (2011), 79.2 Daddy Day Camp (2007), 78.5 Shark Night (2011), 77.9 Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakquel (2009), 77.5 Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked (2011), 77.1 Paranormal Activity 4 (2012), 75.2 The Apparition (2012), 75.0 Superhero Movie (2008), 74.4 God’s Not Dead (2014), 74.1 The Spirit (2008), 73.2 The Unborn (2009), 71.2 Paranormal Activity: The Ghost Dimension (2015), 70.9 Texas Chainsaw (2013), 70.1 The Pyramid (2014), 69.6 College Road Trip (2008), 69.4 Gulliver’s Travels (2010), 69.2 Cats & Dogs: The Revenge of Kitty Galore (2010), 68.7 Captivity (2007)
BMT: Epic Movie (2007), Meet the Spartans (2008), Dragonball Evolution (2009), Jack and Jill (2011), Scary Movie V (2013), The Last Airbender (2010), Left Behind (2014), Fifty Shades of Grey (2015), The Love Guru (2008), In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale (2007), Fantastic Four (2015), Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance (2011), Norbit (2007), Movie 43 (2013), I Know Who Killed Me (2007), Prom Night (2008), Bratz (2007), The Legend of Hercules (2014), Dragon Wars: D-War (2007), One Missed Call (2008), Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li (2009), Skyline (2010), The Devil Inside (2012), Sex and the City 2 (2010), Aliens vs. Predator: Requiem (2007), Ouija (2014), Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2 (2015), Furry Vengeance (2010), The Twilight Saga: New Moon (2009), After Earth (2013), Big Mommas: Like Father, Like Son (2011), The Gallows (2015), Jonah Hex (2010), Are We Done Yet? (2007), Getaway (2013), …
Best Options (Romance): 64.8 Sex Tape (2014), 62.1 Obsessed (2009), 58.0 I Don’t Know How She Does It (2011), 55.4 The Back-up Plan (2010), 53.2 Aloha (2015), 52.3 How Do You Know (2010), 51.1 Little Fockers (2010), 51.0 Over Her Dead Body (2008), …
(yeah, relatively low, but I can see why we chose this. Obsessed is for another day I feel like (and I’m pretty sure Jamie already saw it), and I’ve definitely seen Sex Tape and that’s a comedy. This one is one of the rare true blue romantic comedies I think.)
Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 12) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Greg Kinnear is No. 3 billed in I Don’t Know How She Does It and No. 1 billed in Godsend, which also stars Rebecca Romijn (No. 2 billed) who is in Rollerball (No. 3 billed) which also stars Chris Klein (No. 1 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 2 billed) => (3 + 1) + (2 + 3) + (1 + 2) = 12. There is no shorter path at the moment.
Notes – The painting on the wall, when they are in the restaurant having dinner, is from famous painter Jean-Michel Basquiat.
Pierce Brosnan and Greg Kinnear appeared in The Matador (2005) and Salvation Boulevard (2011).
Sarah Jessica Parker and Pierce Brosnan appeared in Mars Attacks! (1996).
Awards – Nominee for the Razzie Award for Worst Actress (Sarah Jessica Parker)
So far I’ve found (unsurprisingly) that we’ve done a pretty damn good job at covering a lot of the best (read: worst) films of any given year. Particularly recent years like Collateral Beauty’s 2016. I don’t have too many suggestions for replacements and the Will Smith masterclass in Oscar baiting is perfect for something that has always tickled our fancy, but never found a spot in a cycle. However… the mere fact that both Max Steel and Monster Trucks are 2016 films is a little mind blowing. These are two films that are only memorable because I recall seeing the trailers and giving a double “what thuuuuu.” Sure kids films come and go, but who was asking for Max Steel (apparently based on a toy line and series of television shows) and Monster Trucks (based on the concept of monster trucks)? These were major releases? Why? I kinda wish we could have doubled those up, but honestly they are so forgotten that they can’t compete with Will Smith… if only the original casting of Taylor Lautner in Max Steel had held. Then we’d have something to talk about.
To recap, Will Smith is sad. Once a charismatic leader of men he is now just a big ol’ saddo. He lost his daughter and he himself is lost, building dominos all day and otherwise sending letters to the concepts of Love, Death, and Time. We’re on a normal one here. His partners at his advertising firm want to sell. They all have their reasons (mostly having to do with *gasp* love, death, and time), but it’s also cause without powerhouse Will Smith they are just a bunch of dummies. Enter three actors in need of some money. They agree to join with these assholes and do a truly terrible thing by pretending to be Love, Death, and Time and make him think he’s crazy. That way he can be deemed not of sound mind and they can go over his head for the sale. This essentially goes off without a hitch. In response to thinking he’s crazy, Will Smith starts to go to a group meeting for those grieving the loss of children. There he starts to talk with the head of the group, but still can’t come to terms with his loss. It’s only after meeting with the board of his company (where he admits he’s crazy and signs away his stake in the company) that he finally is able to accept the loss and we find that the woman he’s been talking to is actually his estranged wife (what a twist!). Perhaps there is hope for all of us after all. THE END.
My general sentiment about Collateral Beauty is that if everything you saw in this film was translated to a high school drama about the captain of the football team getting tricked by his friends using the drama club to try to snap him out of his daze before the big game then we’d have a Here on Earth on our hands. The earnestness… the wrongheadedness of not just the situation but of the entire structure of the film… it a perfect recipe for me to be rolling through the aisles. There is something about all this happening to an adult dealing with the loss of his child that makes it a bit less savory though. In some ways it’s like The Circle. I love how seriously it takes its insane plot and how flippant it is about having people do crazy, terrible things… but ultimately it’s more tragically bad rather than hilariously bad. Anyway, on a funnier note I started this up being like “can’t wait for the jellyfish part,” only to remember after the film ended that that was the other overwrought Will Smith drama Seven Pounds.
Hot Take Clam Bake! The actors aren’t real! They are in fact abstract concepts. They are in fact invisible. They didn’t need to use advanced AI technologies to remove them from the videos the PI took of Will Smith yelling at people in the street. They just cut out the scene where the PI asks “wait, I thought you said there was supposed to be someone talking to Will Smith when I shot the scene?” and then Edward Norton’s eyes grow wide. Or they go to see the computer whiz to congratulate him on a job well done and he’s like “What do you mean? There wasn’t anything to do. The videos were empty.” and then Edward Norton’s eyes grow wide. But alas that wasn’t the case… right? They were just actors… right? RIGHT?! Hot Take Temperature: Heartwarming.
Patrick?
Patrick
‘Ello everyone! Are we talking about saddo Will Smith being all sad and playing with dominos? Let’s go!
I mean, need I discuss this further? Will Smith is a saddo playing with dominos. Open and shut case, book ‘em.
Within this movie is a pretty touching film about a person going through something, who through the magical realism of film manages to confront his past demons and come together with his friends and family to start life anew. This movie ain’t that.
Instead it is a movie about three horrible friends who want money and the main thing stopping them is their profoundly sad friend going through a serious mental health crisis. So they decide to hire three actors to further stoke his descent into madness, doctor some videos, and lie (certainly some serious financial fraud going on here, what the fuck?). But don’t worry guys, in the end he makes up with his family and yada yada yada s’all good (except Michael Pena is definitely going to die of cancer soon).
This is the plot of the film. I can’t get over the fact that right after the movie ends Will Smith is definitely going to run into one of Love/Time/Death and realize what his friends did and those three go to prison for financial crimes as they fraudulently represented evidence against Will Smith during an acquisition negotiation. Like definitely against the law right?
The movie looks nice though.
And some of the acting is okay if a bit over the top.
I will say that about a third of the way through the film Pena coughed and it was like the film opened like one of those corpse flowers. Like suddenly I was like “Oh he has cancer, and he’s working it out with death, and the other guy is working out his issues with love, and Winslet with time. And Will Smith’s wife is the grief counselor … I get it.” And I did. Never before has a single quiet cough immediately revealed so much about a movie.
But you are a liar if you say you didn’t at least tear up a bit. It was pushing those buttons hard.
A huge Setting as a Character (Where?) film for NYC. And a solid Secret Holiday Film (When?) as the film takes place exclusively around Christmas. And a Worst Twist (How?) for the ultimately reveal that the actors were ghosts the whole time, maybe, I think, but also probably not. It was confusing. The film is halfway to a Here on Earth, but the issue is it is too genuinely grim. So I have to give it a Bad as it is just generally unpleasant.
Hear about the crazy sequel to this film (and to another 80s classic) in the Quiz. Cheerios,
Oh boy, so get this. I’m a big ol’ saddo daddo and I just can’t get my shit together to help my friends out. I’m so sad in fact, that it is almost like I have brain damage … I can’t remember a thing about what it is to love. Do you remember what happened in Collateral Beauty?
Pop Quiz Hot Shot!
1) Will Smith is the man, man. His career and family are the best … but whoops, his daughter gets sick and now he’s a saddo daddo. What does he do in the office all day?
2) Why do Will Smith’s friends need to collect dirt on him to prove he is so saddo daddo that he is actually not responsible enough to deal with the company anymore?
3) The crux of the film surrounds three letters and three corresponding actors meant to play the recipients of those letters. Who are these three “people”?
4) The three friends (coincidentally? Hardly) are also at a crossroads in their lives which correspond to these three “people” as well. What are the three issues they are going through?
5) In what is surely a financial crime the friends succeed. While signing the necessary paperwork Will Smith also signs another piece of paper. What did that piece of paper concern?
Bonus Question: Just as I’m finishing up Collateral Beauty the phone rings. Ah it is my agent Charlie, and he doesn’t sound clinically insane at all. What does he want?
Bad Movie Twins 