I’m trying to think whether I would have said this story before… it’s possible. Let’s find out together. So back in the day there would have been occasional family trips to NYC. We’d see the sights and sounds and family. Have a frozen hot chocolate at Serendipity. Have a fancy dinner we couldn’t have at home like French or Sushi. And usually we’d go see a movie. Because of the age ranges we would usually split. Older going to a more mature film and younger to sillier stuff. Assassins was one of those “for mature audiences only” choices that we didn’t get to go to. But I recall hearing about how someone shoots someone with a gun concealed in a cast. Which is how I always thought of the movie. People with broken arms shooting at people. Anyway, it’s pretty much impossible for us to know exactly what we got to partake in, but judging from what was out the best guess is The Big Green. Classic.
To recap, Assassins! Sly Stallone is our titular “hero.” He talks to his computer who tells him who to kill for cash money. He is starting to get all philosophical about it as a Stallone is wont to do, haunted by the memory of killing his mentor. But he can’t retire yet… because of the money. Anyway, on his latest job a young upstart hitman swoops in for the kill. Stallone’s like “boo,” and starts to chase this mysterious Bain. While doing this he is given a new job: kill Electra and retrieve a disc of data she stole. When he arrives at the location where Electra is selling the disc he finds that she (she?!) has set up an elaborate system to evade capture and that Bain is there. Before Bain can get to them Stallone makes a decision to spare her. He ends up trying to exchange the disc for even more money (given the presence of Bain at the same hit) and survives a second hit set up by his contact. This really peeves him off. He’s like “now even more money” and sets it up to be an exchange at the very Puerto Rican bank where he killed his mentor. Bain is sent to kill Stallone, but ultimately Stallone sets a trap and after a battle he wins. But wait, a twist! His mentor didn’t die after all! He was wearing a bulletproof vest when Stallone shot him! (What a twist!). He means to kill Stallone and Bain, but before he does they both shoot him for real this time. Then Bain tries to cross Stallone, but he’s like “nope” and kills him too. Victorious, Stallone and Electra smooch hard (probably, we don’t see that part). THE END.
This movie is dumb as rocks. Not to get too deep in the Banderas mythology, but it does feel like a precursor to Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever. Exchange all sense of reality for total assassin nonsense. We have assassins rankings like it’s the tennis tour or something and Bain wants to take the top spot. What? Stallone is the best of all time and yet somehow his mentor wears a bulletproof vest and is able to survive a hit… didn’t want to double check that guy? But Megadumb also does often mean Megafun and there is quite a bit of fun to be had here. Basically none of it involves Stallone, who is full on in his Get Carter mumbly sad phase at this point. Sure the man has some muscles, but he also has a heart and it’s just not in killing people any more. Enough! You are an assassin. I want full on Banderas gif mode here. Banderas tears the scenery apart and it makes the movie. Thank god he was there or it would have been a tragedy.
Hot Take Clam Bake! Stallone simply is not the best assassin in the world. Just cannot be. First of all he doesn’t like doing it and as we all know, to be the best you gotta love it. You aren’t going to take the NBA by storm if you don’t have that fire. Stallone doesn’t anymore and would have been supplanted well before Bain showed up. Second, he let his mentor live. You shot him in the chest from a distance and just walked away? Didn’t care to shoot him in the head like the real top hitman would have? This is a dude who taught you everything. One of the best. Don’t want to maybe hang around and see the body? Just gonna presume he died and then be real sad about it for years? What is this amateur hour? Hot Take Temperature: Puerto Rico.
Patrick?
Patrick
‘Ello everyone! *gif of me looking at a computer with Assassins playing and then turning and biting my fist in pure satisfaction* Let’s go!
My god, there is nothing like a Stallone film for BMT. They are always so silly and hilarious. It really is too bad we are almost done with them. Like … I’m not joking. By early 2025 we’ll have watched 25 of his films and we’ll only have Ratchet & Clank left. There will be a Stallone Day in 2026 so I guess we’ll be watching Ratchet & Clank then … hopefully A Working Man will be out and terrible by then.
As Jamie said we have a weirdly long and stories history with this film. It was the film I wished we could have watched with out brothers. And then for years I never bothered by always kind of imagined what it must be about. The actual film is a lot different than I thought. I figured it was just two assassins sent after each other to kill each other and super action packed. It is definitely not the second.
The good? I like understated Sly, and Banderas is on one in this. Actually, you have to make up a new word to describe what he is in this film. It goes well beyond just being “on one”. It is hilarious, a bizarre, and crazy, and honestly I loved the performance even if I know it is actually like … bad acting. So the acting is the fun bit of the film for the most part.
The bad? Well, the story is nonsense. And the choice in directing is just on the wrong side of weird. Like it is weird to have the big climax set piece being Sly boring Antonio Banderes to death by just waiting around for hours and hours and hours doing nothing and trying to get him to fall asleep. That’s a nuts choice.
Luckily the whole film is saved by Banderas. The gif of him biting his fist and looking delightedly from his computer screen will live on in BMT lore. It might be the first film to make the BMT Hall of Fame on the power of a gif alone.
Oh didn’t I mention Julianne Moore … huh, yeah her bit was weird. What was this movie about again? Like a hacker hacked some stuff and then a bad guy sent some assassins after her and … the hacker thing was for money or something. I legit can’t remember. It genuinely is not at all important.
I do love the Setting as a Character (Where?) for the climax which takes place in the very distinct Old Town of Puerto Rico. And there is a genuine MacGuffin (Why?) for the hacker hard drive that everyone wants to get their hands on. And a definite Worst Twist (How?) for the reveal that the guy Sly killed years ago never died and he was actually playing a 15 year long long con to get back and him or something. BMT through and through, but only because of Banderas, I’m going to make a Banderas Cut of this film which is just the Banderas scenes.
Learn all about famous Assassins I assume in the Quiz. Cheerios,
Assssssasssssssins. Assssasssssins. I wonder if there is a famous assssssasssssin I should learn about. Let’s go!
Pop Quiz Hot Shot!
1) Like a Rolling Stone (by The Rolling Stones) was on the soundtrack for Assassins. They had many hits over the years, but this 1968 song that hit number three on the Billboard Top 100 charts shares a name with a Whoopi Goldberg film. What is it?
2) They also play an opera from Puccini, in particular a song from Gianni Schicchi. His four most well-known operas are Tosca (1900), Madama Butterfly (1904), and Turandot (1924) and a 1986 opera that was later (roughly) adapted into a hugely successful Broadway musical. Name both.
3) Speaking of Assassins, there are many in the long history of the United States. Carl Weiss was the assassin of this Governor of Louisiana who was the templates for the character of Willie Stark in the book All the King’s Men. Name that political figure.
4) The film partially takes place in Puerto Rico. Puerto Rico became U.S. territory in 1898 after the Spanish-American War. As part of the Treaty of Paris of 1898 Spain made Cuba a protectorate of the U.S., and ceded Puerto Rico and what two other territories?
5) Sylvester Stallone has been nominated for three Academy Awards in his long career (he didn’t win any of them). Name the movies and awards he was nominated for.
Bonus NYTimes Listing Question: On October 12, 1996 Assassins played Primetime on HBO and was one of the highlighted programs of the New York Times listings. It would go head to head with this film on TMC (hint: It’s a western):
Jamie leaves the kitchen and gasps. Samantha is sitting at the dinner table and she’s beautiful. His hands would be shaking so hard that he would be worried he’d drop the first course of their 2003 Celtics themed dinner… that is if he were actually holding the platter. Patrick and Kyle each have one of their arms looped under Jamie’s armpits. It’s how they cooked the entire meal given just how love sick Jamie was. “You look beautiful,” Patrick whispers, crouching behind him, trying to guide him through the presentation. “You look… b…bountiful,” Jamie stammers and Samantha giggles. “Here is our first course,” Kyle whispers, but this time Jamie doesn’t even attempt to say the words. Kyle slowly reaches his hand around Jamie’s face and smears some peanut butter on his lips. While Jamie smacks and licks, trying to clear the delicious peanut buttery goodness away, Kyle quickly ventriloquizes “Here is our first course.” Just three additional applications of peanut butter later and they’ve finally complimented Samantha again and gotten the food on the table, not that Jamie will have any hope of enjoying it given that his appetite has now been ruined. “So tell me what this dish represents?” Samantha helpfully coaxes. “Ahem,” Jamie begins, finally on a subject he’s more comfortable with (as opposed to the most dangerous subject… love). “This is a PB&J sandwich. That’s the double headed dragon of Paul Pierce and Ricky ‘Buckets’ Davis combined with the shot that everyone is jelly of, Jiri Welsch’s Grape Jelly slamma jamma.” Samantha claps at his enthusiasm and even Patrick can’t help but smile a little. It was all absurd, but it appeared to be working. Jamie holds up his hand. He’s not finished. “I call it… the Assassins.” That’s right! We are finally watching one of the few missing pieces of the Sly Stallone puzzle that is our life. This one costars Antonio Banderas and we should be arrested for never having seen it. Let’s go!
Assassins (1995) – BMeTric: 24.0; Notability: 55
StreetCreditReport.com –BMeTric: top 18.4%; Notability: top 4.4%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 11.0%; Higher BMeT: Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers, Lawnmower Man 2: Beyond Cyberspace, Vampire in Brooklyn, Fair Game, Showgirls, Jury Duty, Congo, Theodore Rex, The Babysitter, Mighty Morphin Power Rangers, A Kid in King Arthur’s Court, Candyman: Farewell to the Flesh, Under Siege 2: Dark Territory, Judge Dredd, Nine Months, The Scarlet Letter, Johnny Mnemonic, Virtuosity, Jade, Man of the House, and 26 more; Higher Notability: Congo, Judge Dredd, Under Siege 2: Dark Territory, Virtuosity, Showgirls, Money Train, Stuart Saves His Family, Four Rooms, Steal Big Steal Little, Mighty Morphin Power Rangers, Things to Do in Denver When You’re Dead; Lower RT: The Big Green, Jury Duty, National Lampoon’s Senior Trip, Theodore Rex, Top Dog, Delta of Venus, Born to Be Wild, A Pyromaniac’s Love Story, A Kid in King Arthur’s Court, The Hunted, Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers, It Takes Two, The Tie That Binds, Dracula: Dead and Loving It, Vampire in Brooklyn, Fair Game, Four Rooms, The Scarlet Letter, Man of the House, Moonlight and Valentino, and 7 more; Notes: Played 30 times on television which is solid, and that Notability is quite good. Anyways, we’ve seen 12/20 for the top BMeT which is pretty solid. Is 1995 an incredible bad movie year? Seems like it.
RogerEbert.com – 1.5 stars – Believe me, I know how to believe stuff when it happens in the movies. I believe bicycles can fly. I believe sharks can eat boats. I even believe pigs can talk. But I do not believe “Assassins,” because this movie is filled with such preposterous impossibilities that Forrest Gump could have improved it with a quick rewrite.
(What does the Forrest Gump thing mean? I guess he’s dumb and so even a dumb person could improve the script? Weird nonetheless.)
(Assassins baby! Back in the day I remember my brothers went to see it and then came back describing the gun in the arm cast (which is near to the beginning of the film). I hate saddo Stallone though. Luckily Banderas is on one and salvages the film a bit.)
Directors – Richard Donner – ( Known For: The Goonies; Lethal Weapon; Lethal Weapon 2; Superman; Lethal Weapon 3; Lethal Weapon 4; The Omen; 16 Blocks; Maverick; Scrooged; Conspiracy Theory; Ladyhawke; Superman II: The Richard Donner Cut; Inside Moves; London Affair; Salt and Pepper; X-15; Future BMT: The Toy; Radio Flyer; BMT: Assassins; Timeline; Notes: He retired after 16 Blocks and died only a few years ago at 91. The Goonies and Superman are both in the National Film Registry.)
Writers – Lilly Wachowski – ( Known For: The Matrix; V for Vendetta; The Matrix Reloaded; Cloud Atlas; The Matrix Resurrections; Speed Racer; Bound; Future BMT: The Matrix Revolutions; BMT: Jupiter Ascending; Assassins; Notes: Apparently their script was effectively not used for this film and completely rewritten. They failed to get their names removed.)
Lana Wachowski – ( Known For: The Matrix; V for Vendetta; The Matrix Reloaded; Cloud Atlas; The Matrix Resurrections; Speed Racer; Bound; Future BMT: The Matrix Revolutions; BMT: Jupiter Ascending; Assassins; Notes: Their directing career appears to be mostly over after the back-to-back releases of Jupiter Ascending and the somewhat disappointing Matrix: Resurrections.)
Brian Helgeland – ( Known For: L.A. Confidential; Mystic River; Robin Hood; The Taking of Pelham 123; Legend; A Knight’s Tale; Payback; Green Zone; Conspiracy Theory; 42; Spenser Confidential; A Nightmare on Elm Street 4: The Dream Master; Blood Work; Finestkind; 976-EVIL; Highway to Hell; The Killer; 976-Evil II; Future BMT: Man on Fire; Cirque du Freak: The Vampire’s Assistant; The Order; BMT: Assassins; The Postman; Notes: He won an Oscar for writing L.A. Confidential, and was nominated for another for Mystic River. Those were both after completely rewriting this film. Amazing.)
Actors – Sylvester Stallone – ( Known For: Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2; Rocky; Men in Black; The Suicide Squad; Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 3; The Expendables; The Expendables 2; Creed; First Blood; Escape Plan; Rocky II; Rocky Balboa; Rocky IV; Rocky III; Antz; Creed II; Cliffhanger; Cop Land; M*A*S*H; Spy Kids 3: Game Over; Future BMT: Rocky V; Staying Alive; Ratchet & Clank; BMT: Rambo; The Expendables 3; Demolition Man; Rambo: First Blood Part II; Rambo III; Judge Dredd; Tango & Cash; Rambo: Last Blood; Assassins; Cobra; Daylight; The Specialist; Zookeeper; Grudge Match; Over the Top; Lock Up; Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot; The Expendables 4; Driven; Get Carter; Oscar; Rhinestone; Notes: Y’all know Sly. Incredible. We have plans to watch Rocky V this year and then Staying Alive early next year which means we’ll be only a Ratchet & Clank away from completing Sly’s BMT filmography … b-b-b-b-b-b-but what are we going to do about Stallone Day!)
Antonio Banderas – ( Known For: Shrek 2; Interview with the Vampire: The Vampire Chronicles; Shrek the Third; Uncharted; Philadelphia; Shrek Forever After; Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny; The Mask of Zorro; Desperado; Puss in Boots; Puss in Boots: The Last Wish; Once Upon a Time in Mexico; The Skin I Live In; Spy Kids; Four Rooms; Ruby Sparks; Frida; Haywire; Spy Kids 2: Island of Lost Dreams; Spy Kids 3: Game Over; Future BMT: The Legend of Zorro; Machete Kills; Spy Kids 4: All the Time in the World; Life Itself; Play It to the Bone; BMT: The Expendables 3; The 13th Warrior; Hitman’s Wife’s Bodyguard; Assassins; Dolittle; Original Sin; Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever; Never Talk to Strangers; Notes: Nominated for an Oscar for Pain and Glory in 2020. I just finished watching all of the Shrek films (and the spin-offs) … animated franchises are wild man. They really are kind of nothing. The second Puss in Boots being the best movie of the bunch was a surprise though, it at least has interesting animation.)
Julianne Moore – ( Known For: The Big Lebowski; Crazy, Stupid, Love.; Children of Men; The Hunger Games: Mockingjay – Part 1; The Lost World: Jurassic Park; The Hunger Games: Mockingjay – Part 2; Kingsman: The Golden Circle; Magnolia; The Fugitive; Boogie Nights; Non-Stop; Don Jon; Carrie; Still Alice; The Hours; Evolution; The Kids Are All Right; A Single Man; The Woman in the Window; Chloe; Future BMT: Hannibal; Eagle Eye; Next; The Forgotten; Suburbicon; Laws of Attraction; Dear Evan Hansen; Freedomland; Roommates; The Gun in Betty Lou’s Handbag; BMT: Assassins; Seventh Son; Nine Months; Body of Evidence; The Ladies Man; Notes: Nominated for five Oscars (Boogie Nights, The End of the Affair, The Hours, Far From Heaven, and finally winning for Still Alice). I cannot believe how many more films we have for BMT for her … she does do some weird stuff (like Assassins).)
(Disastrous naturally. Sly really was struggling to transition to his late career at this point. He really should have started writing again at this point and probably looking to direct a young actor or something. Instead he made Driven.)
(Nice I get to think through a consensus. Donner fails to provide any action to what appears to be a more contemplative actioner in the Sly oeuvre. That does seem to be the main complaint, just too much dead air.)
Reviewer Highlight: A not-much-fun high-tech actioner. – Jonathan Taylor, Variety
(I find the inclusion of the brick and concrete walls to be so insane that I love it. A+++++ that’s really like a C-. The font is horrible.)
Tagline(s) – In the shadows of life, In the business of death, One man found a reason to live… (D)
(This is so amazing that you would think I would have written it as a joke. It’s like a perfect: this is what a tagline is, right? Kind of tagline. Like gotta have those three things. Life. Death. Uh… Life. Can I make this any longer? YOLO.)
Keyword(s) – 1991-1999
Top 10: Armageddon (1998), Home Alone 2: Lost in New York (1992), Hook (1991), Batman & Robin (1997), Batman Forever (1995), Big Daddy (1999), Ace Ventura: When Nature Calls (1995), Godzilla (1998), Event Horizon (1997), Demolition Man (1993)
Future BMT: 86.8 Street Fighter (1994), 82.9 Inspector Gadget (1999), 79.3 Home Alone 3 (1997), 75.4 Look Who’s Talking Now (1993), 74.9 Junior (1994), 72.3 The Next Karate Kid (1994), 71.9 Mr. Magoo (1997), 67.9 The Crow: City of Angels (1996), 67.1 Turbo: A Power Rangers Movie (1997), 67.0 Mr. Nanny (1993), 63.5 Showgirls (1995), 61.7 Pet Sematary II (1992), 61.5 Cop & ½ (1993), 61.1 Beethoven’s 2nd (1993), 60.4 The Mangler (1995), 60.1 Spawn (1997), 59.7 Children of the Corn II: The Final Sacrifice (1992), 59.5 Jury Duty (1995), 58.1 Child’s Play 3 (1991), 57.9 Holy Man (1998)
BMT: Batman & Robin (1997), Mortal Kombat: Annihilation (1997), Speed 2: Cruise Control (1997), The Avengers (1998), Baby Geniuses (1999), Spice World (1997), Barb Wire (1996), Kazaam (1996), Super Mario Bros. (1993), RoboCop 3 (1993), Highlander II: The Quickening (1991), Jason Goes to Hell (1993), Universal Soldier: The Return (1999), Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot (1992), Steel (1997), Bio-Dome (1996), Striptease (1996), Species II (1998), Freddy’s Dead: The Final Nightmare (1991), The Island of Dr. Moreau (1996), I Still Know What You Did Last Summer (1998), Wild Wild West (1999), Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers (1995), Double Dragon (1994), Anaconda (1997), It’s Pat: The Movie (1994), Cool as Ice (1991), Lawnmower Man 2: Beyond Cyberspace (1995), Wing Commander (1999), Highlander: The Final Dimension (1994), On Deadly Ground (1994), Vampire in Brooklyn (1995), Dudley Do-Right (1999), Double Team (1997), Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III (1993), Ed (1996), The Flintstones (1994), The Haunting (1999), Leprechaun (1993), Bats (1999), Fair Game (1995), Cool World (1992), Body of Evidence (1993), Problem Child 2 (1991), …
Best Options (Action): 86.8 Street Fighter (1994), 82.9 Inspector Gadget (1999), 79.3 Home Alone 3 (1997), 72.3 The Next Karate Kid (1994), 67.9 The Crow: City of Angels (1996), 67.1 Turbo: A Power Rangers Movie (1997), 67.0 Mr. Nanny (1993), 60.1 Spawn (1997), 57.1 3 Ninjas Kick Back (1994), 54.1 Spy Hard (1996), 53.0 McHale’s Navy (1997), 52.3 Mighty Morphin Power Rangers (1995), 51.5 Kull the Conqueror (1997), 50.4 3 Ninjas (1992), …, 24.0 Assassins (1995), ….
(I’m stunned at how low that BMeTric is. But then again, I guess people love Sly? Spawn is the obvious one we could have done. Spoiler: We’re still going to do it.)
Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 9) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Sylvester Stallone is No. 1 billed in Assassins and No. 2 billed in The Expendables 4, which also stars Jason Statham (No. 1 billed) who is in In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale (No. 1 billed) which also stars Leelee Sobieski (No. 3 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 1 billed) => (1 + 2) + (1 + 1) + (3 + 1) = 9. If we were to watch The Glass House we can get the HoE Number down to 8.
Notes – During production, Brian Helgeland was brought in to rewrite the script. The Wachowskis, unsatisfied with the rewrites, petitioned to have their names removed from the credits, but were denied this request by the WGA.
Sylvester Stallone’s paycheck was $15 million.
When Miguel Bain is arrested by the police after the cemetery shoot-out and being driven in the back of a police car, as the cops are inspecting his weapons he says “Cuidado con las armas, que las carga el diablo”. This roughly translates to: “Be careful with the guns, they were loaded by the devil”.
Electra’s cat seen in the film is a Maine Coon. The same cat appears in the film The Specialist (1994), also starring Sylvester Stallone.
Richard Donner claims the film would have worked better if he swapped Sylvester Stallone and Antonio Banderas.
Awards – Nominee for the Razzie Award for Worst Actor (Sylvester Stallone)
I always try to start these with an anecdote. Here Patrick is trying to steal my thunder. I am undeterred. On occasion you will see the question posed on Reddit or somesuch about a quote that you and your friends (in this case, my best friend Patrick awwww) use that is wildly obscure, but somehow entered your lexicon. One very common answer for us would be the quote “That’s nice, Peanut,” likely used to denigrate something that someone was excited about, but you are not as enthused by. An example would be the latest and greatest feats of your fantasy football team. Guess what? My team scored 200 points last week. “That’s nice, Peanut.” Translation: sounds nice for you, but really I’m not listening because I do not care. Forever we would have attributed this quote to Jury Duty. Peanut is the name of the dog in Jury Duty… now how this quote would be used given the context that “Peanut” is a dog… no idea. It just always was the connection made. What a shock to find the quote actually came from Celtic Pride. Life changing.
To recap, Jimmy and Mike are lifelong Celtics fans and season ticket holders. They are the pride of the section they inhabit and just when the glorious Boston Garden is about to be demolished it appears like their hard work will finally pay off in one more championship. Up 3-2 it appears to be a lock. However, as their superstitions go awry and the Utah Jazz superstar Lewis Scott gets hot, they lose and set up a deciding game 7. Later on they happen upon Scott at a nightclub and have a brilliant idea: get him so drunk that he’s hungover for the game. Unfortunately they also get blotto and wake up having drunkenly kidnapped him. Both terrified of the consequences of having done this and kinda into the idea of keeping him captive until after the game, they decide to go through with their drunken actions. Given that they are real dumb and losers, Scott is able to turn them against each other and eventually subdue them after a game of pickup basketball. Scott makes them a deal: they better root for the Jazz to win or he’ll turn them in to the authorities. Having reconciled with their families about the likelihood that they will end up in prison, they attend the game and root hard for the Jazz under the guise of a reverse jinx. However, as the Celtics take the lead they give Scott a real pep talk about teamwork and he leads the Jazz back to within a basket. In the end he makes the unselfish play and Jimmy and Mike celebrate the championship with him. Ultimately he makes sure they don’t go to jail. We end with them kidnapping Deion Sanders. THE END.
Alright, so this movie is actually a lot funnier than its reputation would lead you to believe. Akyroyd is far from my favorite actor, but this is one of the better roles I’ve seen him in. Daniel Stern on the other hand is good without any qualifiers. The range of emotions he puts on for this silly movie is impressive. Somehow this kind of ended his mainstream career that had taken off with Home Alone. I don’t know why. He’s good. He’s funny. They couldn’t find an actually good movie for him to be in? Weird. Damon Wayans is a bit raw, but it might be the material. The biggest problem with the film is the plot itself. We have a couple of white Boston superfans kidnapping the “showboating” and “selfish” black athlete. It’s not a good look… like at all. Add in some weird and wild 90’s gay panic jokes that land like a thud and you can see that to be truly resurrected as a cult hit the film would need a nice polishing to buff out the various scratches. Makes it very hard to actually like our main characters. Oh and there’s a scene where Akyroyd hits a half court shot during the game that has no purpose. I do believe there was a purpose to the scene that was edited out for time and so my mind can’t comprehend how the half court shot remained in the film. It is simply not a comedic scene and has no purpose.
Hot Take Clam Bake! Let’s get down to it. Why we’re all here: the truth. The truth is that the Celtics should have won the championship in this movie. It bothered me as a kid. It bothers me even more now. And not because I’m a Celtics fan. I swear. It just works better with the storyline. Hear me out. What if everything in the movie happens. We see the Jazz go down big. We see our main characters give the pep talk to Scott. We see him realize that he has to be unselfish and he helps them take the lead with seconds remaining with a well-timed pass to his teammate. Then we see that he has to guard the Celtic’s best player who makes a move and Scott is just not good enough defensively to stop him and the Celtics win. Our main characters are devastated. They are going to jail, but also it was beautiful basketball. They approach Scott who admits that they were right and he’s not going to turn them in. Instead he’s going to make them pay by crushing the Celtics next year. Flash forward to the Jazz having swept the C’s and Scott thanks his two biggest fans, Jimmy and Mike, who look miserable. That’s better, right? RIGHT?! Hot Take Temperature: He’s On Fire!
Patrick?
Patrick
‘Ello everyone! We talking about pride in my Celtics? That’s nice, Peanut. Let’s go!
Oh man, I’ve seen this film a few times when I was a kid. Which is weird because it wasn’t on TV in the 90s. I think I watched it once on video in the late 90s and then a few times in the very early 2000s. Honestly … loved it.
I’m sure Jamie mentioned it, but amusingly we thought the quote “That’s nice, Peanut” was from Jury Duty starring Pauly Shore for years. Because his dog is named Peanut (naturally). It isn’t. It is from this movie. Dan Aykroyd is talking to his grandmother and explaining how he is probably going to jail, and her response is: “That’s nice, Peanut.” Feels good after all these years to get that right.
And I will say, the film’s timeline is all kinds of fucked. Because they had to film it between when the Celtics vacated the old Garden and before it was destroyed, it meant the filming occurred in the late autumn into the fall. This means that everyone is wearing jackets and you can see everyone’s breath while running around outside. This, of course, is actually supposed to be June in Boston and it would never (ever) be cold enough to see your breath. So the entire thing is kind of surreal because the movie feels like it takes place in the winter, but actually it is supposed to be the summer. Just a very strange choice in filmmaking necessitated by the fact that there was simply one place and time the film could be filmed.
I do think the three main actors are quite funny in the film. The material itself is often annoying or depressing, but everyone gets there odd bit to shine. Aykroyd is probably the main over the top hammy performance which could have been toned down.
The movie though just isn’t very funny (it is actually mostly just unpleasant), and the conclusion is not satisfying in a way … as a Celtics fan I mean.
But the movie is a pretty legendarily bad sports film, which is a rare genre it turns out.
Some awesome Product Placement (What?) for Oscar Mayer hot dogs during the commercial challenge. Oh wait, where was this film taking place again? Oh right, Setting as a Character (Where?) it is set in Boston ha ha. Given the timing issues I noticed, it is a pretty funny Exact Date (When?) movie in that you can assume it is set precisely between the 6th and 7th game of the 1996 NBA championships. Actually genuine Good Twist (How?) for the ultimate conclusion that Utah wins which is somewhat unexpected I think. This movie is BMT through and through and obviously also supremely entertaining.
What else can we learn from Celtic Pride? Find out in the Quiz. Cheerios,
My god … well I promise you this. You ain’t learning a thing about the Boston Celtics in this quiz. Let’s go!
Pop Quiz Hot Shot!
1) The Celtics are playing the Utah Jazz in the finals. Everyone knows the Utah Jazz used to be the New Orleans Jazz prior to moving in 1979. The New Orleans Jazz star player at the time is also the all-time leading scorer in Men’s Division I College Basketball. Who was that player?
2) One of the commercials Lewis Scott performed in was for Oscar Mayer. You know the famous jingle right. My [BLANK] has a first name, it’s O-S-C-A-R. What fills in the blank?
3) At the end of the film they kidnap Deion Sanders, who would have been playing for the Dallas Cowboys at the time (and maybe still the Reds). What college did Deion Sanders go to?
4) Bill Murray claims this film is why he doesn’t accept roles from Judd Apatow. Bill Murray has a possibly apocryphal system whereby he has an answering machine he checks infrequently which is the only way roles can be offered to him. He did accept the role of Garfield though. Who was\ the director of that film?
5) A lot of the people involved were also involved with Saturday Night Live over the years. An SNL movie through and through is Dirty Work starring Norm Macdonald. That film though is (kind of) based on a short story, Vengeance is Mine, Inc, by what author?
Bonus NYTimes Listing Question: You might need a hint for this one: it shares its name with a 2008 film:
“You guys really are the Mud Squad!” Pierre says, eyes shining with excitement. “How was that?” He asks, practicing his lines for the latest commercial for The Mud Squad Spa and Perfumery, the hog themed relaxation hotspot that they replaced the cursed hog farm with. They lie to him and say it was fine, then shake hands and bid him adieu. Before their flight back to New York, Jamie and Samantha sit canoodling in the corner whispering sweet nothings into their very undeaf ears. “Awww,” Kyle says, touched by his own memories of young love with Rachel the Pretzel Girl. “Looks like we won’t need four lessons after all, eh?” He continues, assuming that Jamie has already sealed the deal. Patrick chuckles. “Wrong again, old friend. This is puppy love. Jamie was looking for love love. And there’s only one way to a woman’s heart.” Kyle’s nods, picking up what he’s putting down. “Lesson #4: Putting (Meats and Cheeses) on the Ritz (Cracker).” Back in NYC, Patrick and Kyle recognize that Jamie is simply too in love to do the cooking himself. They decide to Ratatouille this shit and be his arms, eyes, ears, and nose for the Love Meal they got brewing. “The only thing we won’t be is your mouth, because that’ll be busy smooching.” Patrick says with a wink and they all triple high five. “But we can’t do a Love Meal without an intricate theme,” Kyle chimes in. He’s right, and Patrick turns to Jamie to hear his brilliant idea. “I like the Boston Celtics,” he says shrugging. Patrick is a bit bemused, but it’s Jamie’s Love Meal and so he’ll do his best. Besides, a good team should make for a good meal. “The 2003 Boston Celtics,” Jamie finishes smiling. Patrick is horrified. That’s right! We are watching the best Boston Celtics themed comedy of the 90’s and doing a real classic with Celtic Pride. All I remember about this is that the Celtics should have won in the end. We must avenge them. Let’s go!
Celtic Pride (1996) – BMeTric: 43.0; Notability: 45
StreetCreditReport.com –BMeTric: top 10.0%; Notability: top 12.4%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 8.2%; Higher BMeT: Barb Wire, Kazaam, Bio-Dome, Striptease, The Island of Dr. Moreau, The Crow: City of Angels, Ed, Hellraiser: Bloodline, The Stupids, Mr. Wrong, Spy Hard, Solo, Adrenalin: Fear the Rush, First Kid, Eddie, The Glimmer Man, D3: The Mighty Ducks, Chain Reaction, Maximum Risk, Big Bully, and 5 more; Higher Notability: Jingle All the Way, The Fan, Spy Hard, Chain Reaction, Mulholland Falls, Daylight, 101 Dalmatians, Eye for an Eye, Up Close & Personal, Eddie, The Associate, Dear God, The Island of Dr. Moreau, Sgt. Bilko, The Crow: City of Angels, The Adventures of Pinocchio, In Love and War, Space Truckers, Girl 6, Larger Than Life, and 11 more; Lower RT: The Dentist, Big Bully, Adrenalin: Fear the Rush, Getting Away with Murder, Bio-Dome, Kazaam, Ed, Faithful, Mr. Wrong, Spy Hard, Eye for an Eye, Bulletproof, Solo, Curdled, House Arrest, The Glimmer Man, In Love and War, Larger Than Life, Down Periscope, Dear God; Notes: I actually cannot believe this, but Celtic Pride apparently didn’t ever play on television in the 90s … that seems impossible. I personally watched it on television multiple times, but it must have been in the 2000s or something. I’m still hunting around. We are 10/10 on the top 20 BMeT films, which is solid. We really have hit around 50% of the entire 90s it would seem.
New York Times – There is more hysterical screaming in “Celtic Pride” than you will find in a dozen horror movies, but not an ax murderer in sight. The screamers in this stridently unfunny comedy about sports obsession are Boston Celtic fans whose rabid devotion to the basketball team amounts to a self-destructive addiction. – Stephen Holden
(Man, eviscerating it. But he ain’t wrong, there are very few actual jokes in the film. Mostly the jokes are just people insulting each other quite seriously and you are (I guess) supposed to laugh at them instead of with them? Doesn’t really work.)
(Goddamn I watched this film all the time back in the day. I do love how in this film there is basically like one black guy in the NBA and he’s an asshole. Not exactly a good look haha. “That’s nice peanut” is something I say all the time, and until recently I had kind of assumed it was from maybe The Wedding Singer, but a pleasant surprised to remember it was from this weirdo film.)
Directors – Tom DeCerchio – ( Known For: Boys Life 2; BMT: Celtic Pride; Notes: Apparently was supposed to direct Ace Ventura 2 but left abruptly.)
Writers – Judd Apatow – ( Known For: The 40-Year-Old Virgin; Knocked Up; Pineapple Express; This Is 40; Funny People; Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story; The King of Staten Island; Heavyweights; The Bubble; Future BMT: You Don’t Mess with the Zohan; Fun with Dick and Jane; BMT: Celtic Pride; Notes: Nominated for 13 Emmys. Won for The Ben Stiller Show, The Zen Diaries of Garry Shandling, and George Carlin’s American Dream. Somewhat notably had a very very experience with this film which was almost certainly intended to be a Knicks film. But you can’t pass up filming in the decommissioned Boston Garden before it was demolished.)
Colin Quinn – ( BMT: Celtic Pride; Notes: Nominated for an Emmy for Colin Quinn: Long Story Short. I used to watch Tough Crowd all the time. I wonder how much of a disaster some of those episodes seem these days … I don’t care to find out.)
Actors – Damon Wayans – ( Known For: Beverly Hills Cop; Last Action Hero; The Last Boy Scout; Roxanne; Colors; Earth Girls Are Easy; I’m Gonna Git You Sucka; Bamboozled; The Great White Hype; Punchline; Hollywood Shuffle; Farce of the Penguins; Richard Pryor: Omit the Logic; Cinnamon; Why We Laugh: Black Comedians on Black Comedy; Future BMT: Look Who’s Talking Too; Major Payne; Blankman; Mo’ Money; Marci X; BMT: Bulletproof; Celtic Pride; Notes: Nominated for 4 Emmys for In Living Color. The Lethal Weapon series he was part of had issues with the person playing Riggs who was killed off, it was a whole thing. I think it was the Riggs’ guy’s fault, but the series was basically doomed at that point.)
Daniel Stern – ( Known For: Home Alone; The Next Three Days; Hannah and Her Sisters; Whip It; City Slickers; Very Bad Things; Game Over, Man!; Rookie of the Year; Breaking Away; Stardust Memories; Blue Thunder; Diner; My Blue Heaven; Little Monsters; C.H.U.D.; D.O.A.; The Milagro Beanfield War; Born in East L.A.; Otis; The Last Time; Future BMT: Home Alone 2: Lost in New York; City Slickers II: The Legend of Curly’s Gold; Bushwhacked; BMT: Leviathan; Celtic Pride; Notes: Was a huge star in the 90s and then just kind of disappeared. I feared I would figure out there was something quite bad that caused this, but nope, it seems like he just soft retired or did theater acting or something. It is a little hard to tell.)
Dan Aykroyd – ( Known For: Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom; Ghostbusters; 50 First Dates; Ghostbusters; Ghostbusters II; Ghostbusters: Afterlife; The Blues Brothers; Trading Places; Antz; Casper; The Campaign; Evolution; Driving Miss Daisy; Grosse Pointe Blank; Tommy Boy; My Girl; Ghostbusters: Frozen Empire; Sneakers; Chaplin; The Great Outdoors; Future BMT: Coneheads; Spies Like Us; Loser; My Stepmother Is an Alien; Sgt. Bilko; Yogi Bear; My Girl 2; Feeling Minnesota; Doctor Detroit; The Couch Trip; Loose Cannons; BMT: Pearl Harbor; Pixels; I Now Pronounce You Chuck & Larry; Christmas with the Kranks; Tammy; Crossroads; Nothing But Trouble; Canadian Bacon; Caddyshack II; North; Celtic Pride; Exit to Eden; Legends of Oz: Dorothy’s Return; Notes: Y’all know Aykroyd. You know? The guy who makes that skull shaped vodka. Anyways, yeah, was an OG member of SNL, became a huge comedy star in the 80s and 90s, and now mostly just pops up here and there doing guest spots (and selling vodka). Somewhat embarrassingly his sole Oscar nomination was for Driving Miss Daisy. Was nominated for five Emmys for SNL and won one in 1977.)
(This honestly looks like a joke poster for a joke movie designed to make people angry. I know there are things like Fever Pitch and Angels in the Outfield and things like that, but this is objectively an absurd concept for a film. The poster is fine. A lot going on and not all of it is good or bad. I think I’m going to punt and give it a C.)
Tagline(s) – If you can’t beat ’em… steal him. (A)
(Ha! OK, I kind of like that. Funny too, because originally the tagline as written here had an exclamation point at the end. I didn’t like that. It’s like texting with exclamation points. Too exuberant. Tone it down. But when you look at the poster it doesn’t have one. Phew. Good.)
Keyword(s) – 1991-1999
Top 10: Home Alone 2: Lost in New York (1992), Hook (1991), Batman & Robin (1997), Batman Forever (1995), Big Daddy (1999), Ace Ventura: When Nature Calls (1995), Godzilla (1998), Event Horizon (1997), Demolition Man (1993), The Bone Collector (1999)
Future BMT: 86.8 Street Fighter (1994), 82.9 Inspector Gadget (1999), 79.3 Home Alone 3 (1997), 75.4 Look Who’s Talking Now (1993), 74.9 Junior (1994), 72.3 The Next Karate Kid (1994), 71.9 Mr. Magoo (1997), 67.9 The Crow: City of Angels (1996), 67.1 Turbo: A Power Rangers Movie (1997), 67.0 Mr. Nanny (1993), 63.5 Showgirls (1995), 61.7 Pet Sematary II (1992), 61.5 Cop & ½ (1993), 61.1 Beethoven’s 2nd (1993), 60.4 The Mangler (1995), 60.1 Spawn (1997), 59.7 Children of the Corn II: The Final Sacrifice (1992), 59.5 Jury Duty (1995), 58.1 Child’s Play 3 (1991), 57.9 Holy Man (1998)
BMT: Batman & Robin (1997), Mortal Kombat: Annihilation (1997), Speed 2: Cruise Control (1997), The Avengers (1998), Baby Geniuses (1999), Spice World (1997), Barb Wire (1996), Kazaam (1996), Super Mario Bros. (1993), RoboCop 3 (1993), Highlander II: The Quickening (1991), Jason Goes to Hell (1993), Universal Soldier: The Return (1999), Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot (1992), Steel (1997), Bio-Dome (1996), Striptease (1996), Species II (1998), Freddy’s Dead: The Final Nightmare (1991), The Island of Dr. Moreau (1996), I Still Know What You Did Last Summer (1998), Wild Wild West (1999), Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers (1995), Double Dragon (1994), Anaconda (1997), It’s Pat: The Movie (1994), Cool as Ice (1991), Lawnmower Man 2: Beyond Cyberspace (1995), Wing Commander (1999), Highlander: The Final Dimension (1994), On Deadly Ground (1994), Vampire in Brooklyn (1995), Dudley Do-Right (1999), Double Team (1997), Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III (1993), Ed (1996), The Flintstones (1994), The Haunting (1999), Leprechaun (1993), Bats (1999), Fair Game (1995), Cool World (1992), North (1994), Body of Evidence (1993), …
Best Options (Comedy): 86.8 Street Fighter (1994), 82.9 Inspector Gadget (1999), 79.3 Home Alone 3 (1997), 75.4 Look Who’s Talking Now (1993), 74.9 Junior (1994), 71.9 Mr. Magoo (1997), 67.0 Mr. Nanny (1993), 61.5 Cop & ½ (1993), 61.1 Beethoven’s 2nd (1993), 59.5 Jury Duty (1995), 57.9 Holy Man (1998), 57.6 Flubber (1997), 57.5 An American Werewolf in Paris (1997), 57.1 3 Ninjas Kick Back (1994), 56.2 Ringmaster (1998), 55.8 Son of the Pink Panther (1993), 55.8 The Stupids (1996), 54.3 Gone Fishin’ (1997), 54.1 Spy Hard (1996), 53.6 Made in America (1993), 53.4 Richie Rich (1994), 53.0 McHale’s Navy (1997), 52.5 Coneheads (1993), 52.3 The Pest (1997), 52.2 Major League: Back to the Minors (1998), 52.2 Superstar (1999), 51.3 My Favorite Martian (1999), 50.9 Jack Frost (1998), 50.4 3 Ninjas (1992), 50.0 Blank Check (1994), 49.8 Teaching Mrs. Tingle (1999), 49.7 Ready to Wear (1994), 49.5 My Girl 2 (1994), 49.4 Getting Even with Dad (1994), 49.3 A Kid in King Arthur’s Court (1995), 49.0 Simply Irresistible (1999), 48.0 Barney’s Great Adventure (1998), 47.6 Blankman (1994), 46.8 B*A*P*S (1997), 46.2 First Kid (1996), 45.9 House Party 3 (1994), 45.6 D3: The Mighty Ducks (1996), 45.4 Home Fries (1998), 45.2 Surf Ninjas (1993), 45.0 Man of the House (1995), 44.8 Top Dog (1995), 44.7 King Ralph (1991), 44.6 Beverly Hills Ninja (1997), 44.6 I Love Trouble (1994), 44.5 My Giant (1998), 44.3 Sidekicks (1992), 44.2 Big Bully (1996), 44.1 Operation Dumbo Drop (1995), 44.1 Bordello of Blood (1996), 43.9 101 Dalmatians (1996), 43.5 That Darn Cat (1997), 43.1 Excess Baggage (1997), 43.1 Beethoven (1992), 43.0 The Meteor Man (1993), 42.7 Celtic Pride (1996), …
(Alright, not the best comedy we could have done, but a solid 1996. Sure we could have done the Stupids, or Big Bully. But like … what if we didn’t want to watch a Tom Arnold film? Then what?)
Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 12) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Damon Wayans is No. 1 billed in Celtic Pride and No. 1 billed in Bulletproof, which also stars Adam Sandler (No. 2 billed) who is in Jack and Jill (No. 1 billed) which also stars Al Pacino (No. 2 billed) who is in 88 Minutes (No. 1 billed) which also stars Leelee Sobieski (No. 3 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 1 billed) => (1 + 1) + (2 + 1) + (2 + 1) + (3 + 1) = 12. There is no shorter path at the moment.
Notes – One of two films that writer/director Judd Apatow wrote the screenplay for in 1996. The other was The Cable Guy starring Jim Carrey and Matthew Broderick which he fought hard to get credit in a battle with the WGA after rewriting the majority of the script for both Carrey and director Ben Stiller. He still got a producer’s credit despite it.
Stay tuned after the film’s end credits for a shot of the old Boston Garden being imploded for demolition since both the Boston Celtics basketball team and the Boston Bruins NHL hockey team both moved to the Fleet Center, which was located not far from the old arena for the start of their respective 1995-96 seasons. The film was released towards the end of the regular season and beginning of the playoffs in both sports.
The first film that director Tom DeCerchio accepted after he was fired from Ace Ventura: When Nature Calls by Warner Bros. early in 1995.
The scenes that were shot in the Boston Garden were actually created by the film’s production designer Stephen Marsh that was about 90% close to what the old Boston Garden looked like at the time.
One of three movies with Damon Wayans release in 1996. The other two were The Great White Hype and Bulletproof.
It’s hard to explain The Mod Squad. That’s not just because the Wikipedia page admits that “this article needs an improved plot summary” (don’t mind if I do), but because there are only a few moments in time where this movie is made. You need a time when there was a recent TV-to-film success that then begets a spate of attempts to convert that era into $$$. Think about the success of 21 Jump Street that then begets CHiPs and Baywatch. It’s just like that but weirdly in this case it seems like it’s the success of the meta Brady Bunch movie that then produces The Mod Squad. While seemingly totally unrelated, both TV shows come from around the same era (as does The Avengers, Wild Wild West and Mission: Impossible). Unfortunately I don’t think they winked quite enough in this case.
To recap, Julie, Pete and Linc are The Mod Squad. Detective Mothersed is all like “What are you guys, some mod squad?” and he’s right, they are. They are handled by Captain Greer, who loves them even though he wants them to get a handle on their lives and figure out that crime doesn’t pay, but being dope police officers does. For now they are just like extra cool informants that are sent undercover. Their latest gig is a bar where maybe some prostitution or something is going down. Julie finds out that her ex-BF runs the place and they rekindle their relationship. Pete and Linc notice that something shady is going on and ultimately this culminates in them going to a drug sale under a bridge and finding Greer shot. It seems like he’s a dirty cop, but the squad just can’t believe it. Now it’s personal. Julie soon finds out that her BF is a total bad guy (duh) working for some big time drug dealer and Pete also finds that Mothersed and a bunch of other cops are totally in on it (double duh) and framed Greer. This culminates in them trying to take them all down, but getting caught up in the bust. It looks like it’s the end for the Mod Squad. Not so fast! Pete made a recording and totally nails them all. Heroes again! Hooray! THE END.
Aw man. I feel kind of bad for The Mod Squad. It’s lame in a way that makes you feel kind of bad for it (while also acknowledging that at the time I think the style was cool and hip). You see these young actors and they are charismatic and you want it to be OK, but they cannot save this script. And it makes them look bad saying the lines. There are a few good things here and there, but I just can’t believe this is the script they made. The entire twist is airmailed to the point that I started to second guess myself. Like “well that can’t actually be the twist because otherwise this would be the worst script in history” line of thinking. And then they did it. When two-time Academy Award nominee Richard Jenkins comes in and is like “I hate all of you. You suck.” and then 10 minutes later, after The Mod Squad’s handler is killed, he walks in all like “Yo, guys. I’m sooo sorry.” I was like WTF, he’s the bad guy. And I was right. It’s like a script for a bad TV show… wait… What thuuuuuuu.
Hot Take Clam Bake! I’m gonna say it. I don’t think Julie and Pete are going to last as a couple. What’s that? I never mentioned that in the middle of this film, after Claire Danes has been banging Josh Brolin for days, she turns around and realizes that rich-kid-turned-criminal-turned-annoying-mod-squader Giovanni Ribisi is actually totes her type and they start up a secret romance? This should be in the dictionary under “rebound relationship.” She’s a recovering addict who just got back into it with her bad boy ex-beau and got totally betrayed and here comes Ribisi being like “um, er, I actually kind of like you. Don’t you wanna date a nice guy for once, madam.” and she’s like “yeah, maybe that is what I want.” Spoiler alert for The Mod Squad 2: Even Modder, it’s not what she wants. Hot Take Temperature: Ribisi Snake Dance
Patrick?
Patrick
‘Ello everyone! Remember The Mod Squad? You know, that old tv show. Well neither did anyone else. Let’s go!
I’m going to be honest here … I barely remember this movie.
I do remember that Giovanni Ribisi is terrible in it. Like genuinely very bad at acting in it. And that makes it all the more insane that he’s the one that they give the low interest storyline to. Just makes no sense. There was something about films of this era where people seem specifically rather annoying?
And then the mystery is dumb as well. It all seemed rather obvious. Or … well I would except the plot summary on wikipedia is rather sparse and I genuinely am having a very hard time remembering this film. It was Josh Brolin right? Josh Brolin was the bad guy. See, obvious.
As long as I’m right. I’m like 95% sure I’m right.
Anything good about this film? Omar Epps was pretty charming, although the way he hunch-walks around was bizarre … I’m going to chalk that up to poor character choices or a homage to the original show or something. But he’s charming and the bit about his car getting all f-ed up was decent.
I’m going to say this film is so forgettable and boring that it can’t really be BMT, right? This ain’t no Avengers where it is so weird you end up being charmed by it. It is literally just quite dull and unamusing.
It is pretty rare but Setting as a Character (Where?) for Los Angeles here as the entire film appears in a sepia tone to indicate that it is the vague hot desert-y aura of Southern California. And obviously Worst Twist (How?) for the ultimate reveal that, obviously, Josh Brolin was the bad guy.
What else can we learn about mods? Find out in the Quiz. Cheerios,
Oh man, The Mod Squad. Let’s see. I bet there’s a good question about the TV show, and about cops, and about … Giovanni Ribisi’s snake dance. Let’s go!
Pop Quiz Hot Shot!
1) Speaking of mod, outside of computing the modulo operation is possibly somewhat rare. What symbol traditionally represents modulo in mathematics?
2) Speaking of mod, the mod in this case is short for modernist and was a British subculture, predominately of the 50s and 60s. Around 1965, London became synonymous with fashion, music, and pop culture in these years, a period often referred to as what?
3) Speaking of mod, the Mod Cup is a trophy in the Scottish sport of shinty. Shinty is related to Irish hurling, and Welsh bando, but Minnesotans might be more familiar with “ice shinty” a sport played on skates with a small ball on a very large surface of ice. What is this sport officially called?
4) Speaking of mod, video game modding has a long and storied history. One version of Mario for example has been modded to up the difficulty to insane degrees. The name for this hack, is a five letter word starting with “k” which literally means “modification” in Japanese. What is that word?
5) Speaking of mod, this Charlie Chaplin film from 1936 sees The Little Tramp enter the workforce and get sucked up into a masterful set piece of gears and machinery. What’s the film?
Bonus NYTimes Listing Question: Peggy Lipton, of the original Mod Squad, starred in David Lynch’s Twin Peaks: Fire Walk with Me, which played late night Showtime on August 15, 1993. One of the lead in programs was this:
“But… but…” Patrick stammers, “it can’t be. Porcina Romano? You must be like 200 years old!” Kyle and Patrick recoil in fear, as the only other possibility is that Samantha was actually a gh-gh-gh-ghost. “No, dummies. I’m just the great great great grandchild of the great Planchet Romano. This cursed farm is my family’s legacy and sadly it was also your downfall.” A tear streams down her face. It was quite the coincidence. In fact, if you thought about it too hard you’d think it was too much of a coincidence to be believed. But they had to believe it… because they were living it and it was very real. “So, given the level of coincidence we are dealing with here, I have to ask… Do you know how to break the curse?” Kyle asks hopefully, but Samantha shakes her head sadly. They return to Miserable Jamie’s room, Samantha now in her Porcina Romano costume. “Aha, secrets secrets are no fun, unless you are a part of one,” Jamie taunts in the most annoying way possible. “Jamie, this is Porky Romano. She is here to help you,” Patrick sighs, all hope leaving his voice. “Come wallow with me,” Jamie says. “Come wallow in the mud where I belong.” Jamie flops into the mud and with a look of tenderness in her eyes Samantha joins him in the mud. “I’d wallow with you any day,” she says and kisses him full on the mouth. A thunderclap rings out and peace crosses over Jamie’s face. “Yes,” he says, “be with me in the mud. We are the Mud Squad together.” They hug… hard. Patrick and Kyle cry out at the beauty and strength of the brand that Jamie just coined. “So that was the cure,” Patrick says with relief. “Love.” That’s right! We are watching The Mod Squad, a truly reviled film adaptation of a classic television show. Given the cast and concept it’s hard to believe they messed this up so badly. Let’s find out how. Let’s go!
The Mod Squad (1999) – BMeTric: 60.9; Notability: 46
StreetCreditReport.com –BMeTric: top 4.8%; Notability: top 13.2%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 2.5%; Higher BMeT: Baby Geniuses, Inspector Gadget, Universal Soldier: The Return, Wild Wild West, Wing Commander, Beowulf, Dudley Do-Right, Bats, The Haunting, Simon Sez, The Rage: Carrie 2, Virus; Higher Notability: Wild Wild West, Inspector Gadget, The 13th Warrior, Snow Falling on Cedars, The Haunting, The Messenger: The Story of Joan of Arc, My Favorite Martian, End of Days, Idle Hands, Play It to the Bone, Bicentennial Man, Pokémon the Movie 2000, The Out-of-Towners, The Story of Us, Random Hearts, Double Jeopardy, The Bone Collector, Instinct, Stigmata, In Too Deep, and 13 more; Lower RT: Beowulf, Inferno, Foolish, Simon Sez, The Suburbans, Baby Geniuses; Notes: Too late for it to have been on television in the 90s. The BMeT is amazing though. I think we’ve seen 11/12 for the higher BMeT which is incredible, with just Inspector Gadget to go. Which means if we watch that we’ll have watched the top 13 at least which is awesome haha. We really have covered such a good slice of BMT films.
RogerEbert.com – 2.0 stars – “The Mod Squad” has an intriguing cast, a director who knows how to use his camera and a lot of sly humor. Shame about the story. When you see this many of the right elements in a lame movie, you wonder how close they came to making a better one. The director, Scott Silver, co-wrote the script himself, and has to take some of the blame: This is a classy production and deserves better.
(Lol, shame about the story. It really does come across as a failed pilot for a reboot or something. The mystery just seems so slight and the result so tepid it doesn’t make much sense as a big budget ($50 million!) film.)
(Oh gosh, Ribisi is on one. You can almost tell there isn’t a story. They can barely cut a trailer properly from the nothing they shot. Oh man, and the needle drop at the end is horrible too.)
Directors – Scott Silver – ( Known For: Johns; BMT: The Mod Squad; Notes: From Worcester, MA. Mostly a writer, and an accomplished one too.)
Writers – Buddy Ruskin – ( Notes: Created the original Mod Squad … and somehow not much else. Dined out on that for his entire career I guess.)
Stephen Kay – ( Known For: The Last Time I Committed Suicide; BMT: The Mod Squad; Notes: From New Zealand and married to Piper Parebo. And yeah, he produced, directed, and wrote on Covert Affairs. I’m not sure if that was before or after marrying Parebo.)
Scott Silver – ( Known For: Joker; The Fighter; 8 Mile; The Finest Hours; Johns; BMT: The Mod Squad; Notes: As said above, quite accomplished. Has been nominated for two Oscars for writing for Joker and The Fighter.)
Kate Lanier – ( Known For: What’s Love Got to Do with It; Set It Off; Future BMT: Beauty Shop; BMT: Glitter; The Mod Squad; Notes: Going The Mod Squad and Glitter back to back is something else, that’s one way to be put in writer jail.)
Actors – Claire Danes – ( Known For: Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines; Stardust; Romeo + Juliet; The Hours; The Rainmaker; The Family Stone; Little Women; U Turn; Les Misérables; Igby Goes Down; Shopgirl; Brigsby Bear; Home for the Holidays; How to Make an American Quilt; The Flock; Me and Orson Welles; Stage Beauty; It’s All About Love; As Cool as I Am; A Kid Like Jake; Future BMT: Brokedown Palace; To Gillian on Her 37th Birthday; BMT: Evening; The Mod Squad; Notes: Very much known as a television actress with both My So Called Life and Homeland being major successes. Nominated for 10 Emmys and won two for Homeland and one for the miniseries Temple Grandin.)
Omar Epps – ( Known For: Scream 2; Alfie; Juice; Brother; Love & Basketball; Big Trouble; Higher Learning; The Program; The Wood; Breakfast of Champions; Almost Christmas; Fatal Affair; 3022; Trick; The Deliverance; Perfume; A Day in the Life; Future BMT: Don’t Be a Menace to South Central While Drinking Your Juice in the Hood; Major League II; Traffik; Against the Ropes; In Too Deep; BMT: Dracula 2000; The Mod Squad; Notes: oh, Major League II is coming up. I’m going to be honest, despite the series going bananas late in its run, I’m a little surprised he was never nominated for House. Laurie got nominated a bunch of times and Epps was the best of his assistants.)
Giovanni Ribisi – ( Known For: Saving Private Ryan; Avatar; Ted; Avatar: The Way of Water; Lost in Translation; Public Enemies; Ted 2; The Virgin Suicides; Cold Mountain; Lost Highway; Contraband; The Rum Diary; Selma; Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow; The Gift; That Thing You Do!; Boiler Room; Middle Men; The Bad Batch; Heaven; Future BMT: A Million Ways to Die in the West; Basic; Flight of the Phoenix; The Other Sister; BMT: Gone in 60 Seconds; Gangster Squad; The Postman; Perfect Stranger; The Mod Squad; Notes: Nominated for an Emmy for a guest spot on My Name is Earl of all things. He is particularly bad in this film, I don’t understand at all what he’s doing here.)
(Disaster. But what did they expect? Why are they spending $50 million on a 60s television series movie? The Fugitive this ain’t.)
Rotten Tomatoes – 3% (2/65): The Mod Squad aims for stylish cool and thrilling adventure, but collapses in an incoherent jumble of dated source material and unintentional hilarity.
(Holy good god. Three percent is something else. That is astonishing. I’ve been doing good reviews as a highlight recently, and luckily this does actually have one. And it is a major one too.)
Reviewer Highlight: A great-looking picture that zips along with grace, light on its feet but possessed of just enough gravity to allow us to take its people rather than its old TV series premise seriously. – Kevin Thomas, Los Angeles Times
(I like the boldness of the colors and the vertical “THE”. There is some art to this for what is otherwise a rather boring poster. It also makes me ask the question: were these actors big enough stars to actually justify this poster? Hard to believe. B-.)
Tagline(s) – Undercover. (F)
(That is embarrassing. What the hell is going on?)
Keyword(s) – 1999-2007
Top 10: The Matrix Revolutions (2003), The Butterfly Effect (2004), The Da Vinci Code (2006), The Fast and the Furious (2001), Men in Black II (2002), Man on Fire (2004), Click (2006), Pearl Harbor (2001), Fantastic Four (2005), Kingdom of Heaven (2005)
Future BMT: 93.5 Date Movie (2006), 90.0 House of the Dead (2003), 88.9 BloodRayne (2005), 86.4 The Adventures of Sharkboy and Lavagirl 3-D (2005), 82.9 Inspector Gadget (1999), 81.4 You Got Served (2004), 79.3 Daddy Day Camp (2007), 79.2 Boogeyman (2005), 78.0 Who’s Your Caddy? (2007), 77.8 Nutty Professor II: The Klumps (2000), 72.4 Bewitched (2005), 72.2 Legally Blonde 2: Red, White & Blonde (2003), 72.2 Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector (2006), 72.2 Zoom (2006), 71.2 Soul Plane (2004), 70.6 The Shaggy Dog (2006), 70.3 Delta Farce (2007), 69.3 Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen (2004), 69.2 The Santa Clause 3: The Escape Clause (2006), 69.1 Pulse (2006)
BMT: Epic Movie (2007), Battlefield Earth (2000), Catwoman (2004), Son of the Mask (2005), Gigli (2003), Alone in the Dark (2005), The Wicker Man (2006), Dumb and Dumberer: When Harry Met Lloyd (2003), Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2 (2004), In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale (2007), The Cat in the Hat (2003), Halloween: Resurrection (2002), The Fog (2005), Dungeons & Dragons (2000), Rollerball (2002), Baby Geniuses (1999), Norbit (2007), I Know Who Killed Me (2007), Glitter (2001), The Master of Disguise (2002), Bratz (2007), Ultraviolet (2006), Book of Shadows: Blair Witch 2 (2000), Dragon Wars: D-War (2007), Feardotcom (2002), The Flintstones in Viva Rock Vegas (2000), The Adventures of Pluto Nash (2002), Jason X (2001), xXx: State of the Union (2005), Torque (2004), Aliens vs. Predator: Requiem (2007), Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever (2002), Material Girls (2006), Universal Soldier: The Return (1999), Basic Instinct 2 (2006), Elektra (2005), Taxi (2004), Kangaroo Jack (2003), Driven (2001), A Sound of Thunder (2005), Are We Done Yet? (2007), Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo (2005), Freddy Got Fingered (2001),…
Best Options (1999-1999): 82.9 Inspector Gadget (1999), 60.8 The Mod Squad (1999), 55.0 Eye of the Beholder (1999), 54.2 The Bachelor (1999), 52.2 Superstar (1999), 51.3 My Favorite Martian (1999), 49.8 Teaching Mrs. Tingle (1999), 49.0 Simply Irresistible (1999), 45.8 House on Haunted Hill (1999), 45.0 The King and I (1999), 41.9 Black & White (1999), 40.8 The Out-of-Towners (1999), 40.4 Gloria (1999), 40.4 End of Days (1999), 39.9 In Dreams (1999), 39.4 Jawbreaker (1999), 39.0 Play It to the Bone (1999), 35.1 Doug’s 1st Movie (1999), 34.6 Drive Me Crazy (1999), 32.7 Held Up (1999), 29.4 The Story of Us (1999), 28.5 The Love Letter (1999), 27.3 200 Cigarettes (1999), 26.6 Stigmata (1999), 26.6 At First Sight (1999), 26.5 Pokémon the Movie 2000 (1999), 26.2 Love Stinks (1999), 25.8 Idle Hands (1999), 25.7 Three to Tango (1999), 24.1 Blue Streak (1999), 22.0 Big Daddy (1999), 21.0 The Messenger: The Story of Joan of Arc (1999), 20.9 The General’s Daughter (1999), 18.9 Double Jeopardy (1999), 18.8 Brokedown Palace (1999), 18.0 Crazy in Alabama (1999), 17.8 In Too Deep (1999), 17.5 Light It Up (1999), 17.4 Instinct (1999), 17.2 Trippin’ (1999), 16.8 8MM (1999), 16.7 The Other Sister (1999), 15.8 Jakob the Liar (1999), 14.7 The Bone Collector (1999), 12.9 Mystery, Alaska (1999), 11.5 Snow Falling on Cedars (1999), 10.7 Bicentennial Man (1999), 8.9 The Thirteenth Floor (1999), 6.4 A Dog of Flanders (1999)
(Should we have done Inspector Gadget? I don’t think so. IG will always be there. We needed to hit up this craziness while the getting was good.)
Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 13) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Giovanni Ribisi is No. 2 billed in The Mod Squad and No. 2 billed in Gone in Sixty Seconds, which also stars Nicolas Cage (No. 1 billed) who is in The Wicker Man (No. 1 billed) which also stars Leelee Sobieski (No. 6 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 1 billed) => (2 + 2) + (1 + 1) + (6 + 1) = 13. If we were to watch In Too Deep we can get the HoE Number down to 11.
Notes – Omar Epps mentioned in several interviews that he greatly disliked the denim Levi’s clothes he and the cast had to wear because the jeans were very tight. He mentioned that there are several moments captured on screen during film where he wears a frown and grimace facial expression due to his jeans being too tight. The clothing in the film was specifically customized and provided by Levi’s. When the film was released, Levi’s put out denim commercials featuring Epps, Danes, and Ribisi.
Sarah Michelle Gellar and Milla Jovovich were among the actresses considered for the role of Julie Barnes.
Melissa Joan Hart was considered for the role of Julie Barnes.
Jonathan Dayton and Valerie Faris turned down the offer to direct.
The film was poorly received by critics. Many viewers of the old series felt it was ‘Mod Squad’ –in name (of title and characters) only.
Awards – Nominee for the Razzie Award for Worst Screenplay (Stephen Kay, Scott Silver, Kate Lanier)
“You guys want some cookies?” We’ve been cleaning up a lot of “previously on” BMT type films lately. These are films we saw back when we were youngsters and Corky Romano and its ilk were dominating our personal box offices. SNL was still king. It had crowned Sandler and was delivering unto us Will Ferrell. So why not Chris Kattan? Why not indeed. All these years later the only thing I remember from this particular film was the line I quote at the top. It appears in the trailer and features Kattan in a girl scout uniform… I will be on my deathbed and I will be able to say that line in the exact way that Kattan says it. An indelible part of film history.
To recap, Corky Romano is an (actually good) vet with a penchant for messing things up. He also happens to be the son of a local mob boss and the brother of two psychotic mob enforcers. When a rat within the family is threatening to bring the empire down they only have one thing they can do: bring Corky (up to this point unknown to the FBI) back into the fold and uncover as an agent. His mission is to find the file on the Romano family and destroy it. The only thing standing in his way is the suspicions of his new coworker Brick, his interest in the beautiful Agent Russo, and the fact that he keeps inadvertently helping solve or foil crimes through his bumbling ways. One such case that he is helping with is the Night Vulture, a brutal drug dealer, but I’m not sure why I’m talking about that… I’m sure it has nothing to do with the plot of the film. Anyway, ultimately Corky finds out his father is wanted for murder. When he confronts him about that, he denies it and it’s revealed that their longtime family associate is actually an FBI informant and planted that info. Corky is able to subdue him and also reveal that Brick is the Night Vulture (oh, I see. It was important because… uh… huh, no wait… still not important to the plot of the film). In the end he marries Agent Russo and goes back to being a vet. THE END.
I contend that Corky Romano had its moments. Purely from a comedy point of view it had me laughing more than many BMT comedies do. I also think it was rather inspired and ahead of its time to have Corky be an actually good vet. That’s a much more modern device: the competent imbecile. Underused really as it would have been fun to have Corky turn out to be a good agent because of his deep knowledge of animals and yet they barely touch on it and don’t even use it for the conclusion. Now the biggest issue for the film is that it doesn’t make any sense. And not just that it’s an impossibility that Corky would be entirely unknown to the agency or how exactly his mob family gets him installed as an agent. But Corky figures out who a serial killer is because of a watch he left at the crime scene and then stole from evidence. The serial killer left his distinctive watch at the crime scene and only big brain Corky can figure it out? That’s real dumb. It’s a pretty big issue with the film. Just real stupid and doesn’t make any sense. But I guess that’s what turning your brain off is for. As for Dirty Love, the less said the better maybe. There is something about Jenny McCarthy in the sense that she’s really going for it. Like Jim Carrey level mugging. There was a very brief moment where I was like “can she make this tolerable?” and the answer was no. It gets harder and harder to watch as it goes on. Not good!
Hot Take Clam Bake! I think it’s pretty obvious that the FBI knew that Corky was part of the family and was just letting him fool around in the agency to bolster their case against the Romano’s. Maybe they had an inkling that the info they had was bunk and that the real charge they could land was witness/evidence tampering and some tax evasion. By letting Corky in, they could hang an impersonating a federal agent charge over him and get him to wear a wire and really get the solid info they needed. Unfortunately this all would fall apart once Brick was revealed to be the Night Vulture and the Bureau would have to insulate themselves from the ensuing firestorm by promoting the work of the fine Agent Romano. Pretty obvious stuff going on here as otherwise there is no explanation for how they wouldn’t know that Corky was part of the Romano family. Not like he’s a distant cousin. Hot Take Temperature: Mango
Patrick?
Patrick
‘Ello everyone! Remember Corky Romano. In a day or twooooooooooooo! Remember that from the trailer? No? Only me? Let’s go!
Corky Romano is an odd film. It was barely created (having been hastily written just before a sctors’ strike), and stars one of the stranger SNL stars of the time. Chris Kattan isn’t exactly leading man material but here we are.
I will say, out of all the stuff that could be considered good in this film, Chris Kattan is, weirdly, one of the better bits. He’s annoying, but on occasion he is kind of a charming doofus. The Girl Scout bit comes to mind. And I did laugh during the film, for example when Kattan offers his hand to his brother who turns and farts towards him instead … I didn’t say it was a good joke, just I said I laughed.
But yeah, the film isn’t super funny, is barely written, is often offensive, and has some of the worst acting you’ll ever see. And the twist! My god, the ultimate twist is that there is an FBI agent … who is also a heroin kingpin? Like why?! That is the kind of insane stuff you get when you write a script in a week to beat a strike.
But naturally, being a horrible sub-10% film on Rotten Tomatoes, this is a BMT film through and through. Also, obviously we need to watch all the Chris Kattan films for BMT. Really just Night at the Roxbury to go.
Not really Product Placement (What?) for the very distinctive bright orange Mazda Miata. And definitely one of the Worst Twist (How?) we’ve ever seen with the completely nonsensical reveal that the FBI agent Brick is also the drug dealing Night Vulture, say whhhhhhhhat?! Crazy. The film is BMT though and through, it barely makes sense.
Bring a Friend time. And what better pair for one of the worst films of all time to watch another film considered one off the worst of all time, Dirty Love. It basically swept the Razzies (back when that meant something) and Ebert gave it a rare zero star review (he also called it the third worst film of 2005, lol). Anyways, the film is awful, it really is one of those films where you wonder if you could make it, that is how not-a-movie it felt like. But the magnetism of McCarthy is undeniable, and it isn’t really a wonder she managed to have a (albeit brief) movie career launched off of a weird dating show on MTV.. If not for the fact that she’s a lunatic I would actually wonder why she didn’t end up doing a few more films. In this case though the film is a nothing film, and is garbage, and I barely remember anything about it, the end.
Well, what can you learn from Corky Romano? Find out in the quiz. Cheerios,
Bad Movie Twins 