Usually I like to pretend I’m writing this before I’ve actually seen the movie. But this story is too good. So my mom was at my house helping out for a bit and as happens evening rolls around and I’m like “wanna watch a movie?” She’s like sure, but then says that she doesn’t care what we watch. That’s she’ll “watch anything.” I put that in quotes because it’s important. I ask “are you sure? Because I have this real weird movie I need to watch for BMT.” She assures me that yes… she’ll “watch anything.” Flash forward to the next night as we finish up Sleepwalkers and she’s like out of her mind about how horrible the film is. Talking about how she didn’t even want to finish it but she also couldn’t stop thinking about how horrible it was so she felt she had to finish it to see if it continued to be as terrible as it was. And in the end it perhaps got even more horrible. So that’s where we were with Sleepwalkers. The movie that made my mom realize that she would in fact not “watch anything.”
To recap, Mary and Charles are mother and son shapeshifting werecats that feed on the energy force of virgins. They arrive in a small Indiana town looking to feed. They are, of course, incestuous and hope and pray to find others of their kind in order to procreate. Meanwhile, the incest (obviously). Attending a local high school, Charles scopes out Tanya with the end goal of feeding his mother. A few people, like his teacher, are suspicious of Charles, but when he confronts him Charles nonchalantly murders him. Meanwhile cats (the only thing that can kill or harm the sleepwalkers) begin to gather as Charles and his mother weaken. Charles attempts to subdue Tanya, but she is able to ward him off. The police arrive and while Charles is able to dispatch them a cat severely injures him. Stumbling back home, Mary is like “Oh no! But the incest!” Knowing that Tanya is the only thing that can help him, Mary storms Tanya’s home and kills her family (one of them by fatal corn cob stabbing… it’s dope). Mary brings Tanya back to Charles but before he can feed she kills him in his weakened state. The police attempt to help to no avail, but at Mary’s power dims she is attacked by numerous cats and the sleepwalkers are no more. THE END.
No matter what my mom claims, this movie is actually kind of fun and good. If not for the (arguably) unnecessary incest subplot and the unpleasant and brutal attack by Charles on Tanya in the cemetery, I think this film might have a better reputation as a cult film. I hate to leap to conclusions or make bold proclamations about objectively bad movies, but it does appear to me that Stephen King knew exactly what he was doing and making when he wrote this film. He wanted to make an old school exploitation horror film with some interesting special effects. He wanted to make a bad movie and he succeeded. This is a fun bad movie. It’s a hard needle to thread, but I actually think he was able to do it. By the time the corn cob stabbing happened I was all in on the film. One of the best of the year I daresay.
Hot Take Clam Bake! I’m going to say it. I don’t think they needed to do the incest. They clearly weren’t replenishing the earth with werecats no matter how hard they tried. So I think they could have probably cut it out and just, you know, maybe took a regular beau every once in a while and just… maybe… I don’t know, tried it out for a hot second. Maybe regular old sex would have felt fine. Maybe you didn’t need to do the incest. Hot Take Temperature: Steamy regular old sex.
Patrick?
Patrick
‘Ello everyone! *gif of my mother talk about how much she hates this film and how gross it was and how she can’t believe we were watching it* Let’s go!
I’ve mentioned on multiple occasions that I don’t like horror films very much because I get so spooky scared. That doesn’t really have anything to do with this movie (I never thought this would be spooky scary, just silly). It has more to do with Stephen King and how I never really read his books because I thought they would be spooky scary. But turns out … books aren’t spooky scary. So I’ve read a bunch of Stephen King as an adult. I like his stuff. So getting around to Sleepwalkers is always enticing.
The good? Uh, I like practical effects. That’s nice. I like how silly it is as well. It is very very heightened and silly at times. The end bit is so crazy it finally gets around to being as wild and crazy as the premise suggests. I also like the idea of energy vampires in a way. They are something I’ve heard of, but they are done so rarely it is interesting to see them in the wild.
The bad? Well, the film looks like absolute garbage. For real, as good as practical effects are, when they are bad they are really really bad and this one is bad. The premise is so silly it feels like a comedy, but it isn’t funny. And then the film just turns on a dime. All of a sudden the main character is committing sexual assault in a graveyard and Stephen King cameos and the the movie kind of explodes.
The main issue is the film seems to be barely there for most of its runtime. It isn’t necessarily dull, but it is also a bit too weird and self-aware to be amusing for most of it. The end it fun, but even then, the corn cob murder seems more like it belongs in a horror comedy rather than what seems like a genuine horror film.
Regardless, the level of antipathy this film has towards this film will always make me smile.
Oh, also this film makes you wonder “how wasn’t Mädchen Amick the most famous 90s actress?” She was solid in Twin Peaks, and is fine in this, but her career never really took off. Kind of odd.
Anyways, a real deal Setting as a Character (Where?) for the small town of Travis, Indiana, a fun Indiana film at least. That’s it. I think this film is Bad, mainly for being poorly made and dull more than fun, which I think is about what I would have expected.
Learn about … cats? Maybe, about cats. In the quiz. Cheerios,
Oh wow, I guess I’ll learn about monsters. And cats. Although, surprisingly, probably not about cat monsters. Let’s go!
Pop Quiz Hot Shot!
1) The soundtrack features Boadicea by Enya. Enya had a single number one single in the UK, Orinoco Flow. The Orinoco River in South America discharges near what nation of the Lesser Antilles?
2) In the movie the villains are, implicitly at least, energy vampires. Energy vampires feed on the lifeforce of others. Elsewhere is popular culture, the character of Colin Robinson is also an energy vampire in what television show?
3) The beginning of the film takes place in Bodega Bay, California. A famous thriller from 1963 also took place in Bodega Bay (although it starts at a pet store in San Francisco). Which film?
4) Somehow the character of Tanya has her own wikipedia page (the character!). In it she is described as a classic Damsel in Distress. We’ve seen one of the original DiDs in the classic BMT film Clash of the Titans. She was to be sacrificed to the Kraken to appease the Gods … what was her name?
5) You know, there was apparently a sequel in development at one point written by King’s wife. It involved a women’s basketball team somehow. Can you know both the first (1982) and most recent (2024) NCAA Division 1 Women’s Basketball champions?
Bonus NYTimes Listing Question: Is this a tough one? Maybe, but I bet Jamie could get it.
Patrick and Kyle sit in the back of the kitchen watching Jamie and Samantha enjoy their PB&J sandwiches (aka The Assassins) while staring dreamily into each other’s eyes. “Boy, young love sure is amazing,” Patrick says. “Yeah,” Kyle agrees, “almost as amazing as the fact that I’ve never seen Cobra starring Sylvester Stallone.” The color drains from Patrick’s face and he recoils in disgust at this unexpected segue. He tries to remember back to when they first hired Kyle onto Bad Movie Twins and whether they went through their typical rigorous background check. Apparently not as determining Sly Stallone street cred was one of the primary ways in which they would separate the wheat from the chaff in the hiring process. “That’s OK,” Patrick croaks, but things weren’t OK at all. How was he going to get rid of Kyle? Before he could craft a plan to remove Kyle from the equation he notices Kyle is trying to get his attention. “What is it?” he snaps. “I just was saying, isn’t it funny that I mentioned Cobra and it happened to be playing at the theater across the street?” Indeed, when Patrick looks out the window of the kitchen he sees those beautiful words: “Cobra special 12:30pm showing”. Thank god! Patrick looks over at Jamie and is relieved to see that after finishing the PB&J sandwiches he and Samantha have started smooching pretty hard. That should progress into a full on make out session and that should give them the necessary 87 minutes to take in Cobra in all its glory. “Grab your shit,” Patrick says rudely and drags him across the street. Exactly 87 minutes later they stumble back into the sunlight. They are both stunned into silence, the glazed look of sleepwalkers on their face. That’s right! We are watching the Stephen King penned film Sleepwalkers which is about incestuous werecats shapeshifters. Totally normal film for a couple of totally normal guys like us. Let’s go!
StreetCreditReport.com –BMeTric: top 2.0%; Notability: top 8.4%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 17.9%; Higher BMeT: Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot, Cool World, Pet Sematary II, Children of the Corn II: The Final Sacrifice, Toys; Higher Notability: Home Alone 2: Lost in New York, Toys, Cool World, Newsies, The Bodyguard, Freejack, Tom and Jerry: The Movie, Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot, Memoirs of an Invisible Man, Universal Soldier, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, The Mighty Ducks, Innocent Blood, The Distinguished Gentleman, Radio Flyer, This Is My Life, Kuffs, Man Trouble, Encino Man, Mom and Dad Save the World, and 1 more; Lower RT: Once Upon a Crime…, Live Wire, Folks!, Year of the Comet, Love Crimes, Frozen Assets, Cool World, Man Trouble, The Opposite Sex and How to Live with Them, Christopher Columbus: The Discovery, Passed Away, Mr. Baseball, Mom and Dad Save the World, The Distinguished Gentleman, Ladybugs, The Gun in Betty Lou’s Handbag, Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot, Tom and Jerry: The Movie, Aces: Iron Eagle III, Mo’ Money, and 22 more; Notes: We really are hitting some top BMeT and Notability films. This having a Notability of 40+ in particular is wild. This played an amazing 54 times on television. Was this a rewatchable film? Unclear. Premiered Cinemax primetime on May 12, 1993, a Wednesday, which indeed was the “premiere” slot for Cinemax 8 P.M. in 1992. As for the rest of the high BMeT, just those two horror sequels left, Pet Sematary II and Children of the Corn II.
Variety – Stephen King’s Sleepwalkers is an idiotic horror potboiler. New approach to the vampire legend is really a variation on TriStar’s 1988 flop The Kiss. Brian Krause and mom Alice Krige are incestuous monsters called Sleepwalkers who survive by draining the life force from virgin girls. – Staff
(Wait wait wait … what’s The Kiss now? Do I need to watch The Kiss?! Do I have homework?! Anyways, I do like the sound of “idiotic”, give me that all day.)
(That is glorious in an 80s kind of way. A very 80s cast. A Stephen King cameo in the trailer seems like something special. I wonder how many trailers he’s been in.)
Directors – Mick Garris – ( Known For: Riding the Bullet; Nightmare Cinema; BMT: Sleepwalkers; Critters 2: The Main Course; Notes: What a wild career. Was hired as the secretary for the Star Wars Company when it started, then he hosted some Z-Channel interview show, then he did Making Of shorts for a bunch of films, and then he started doing Stephen King stuff. He directed The Shining mini-series that King thought was better than the Kubrick one.)
Writers – Stephen King – ( Known For: The Shawshank Redemption; The Green Mile; The Shining; It; Stand by Me; The Mist; It Chapter Two; 1408; Misery; Doctor Sleep; Secret Window; Carrie; The Running Man; Carrie; Gerald’s Game; Pet Sematary; Pet Sematary; Christine; The Dead Zone; 1922; Future BMT: Children of the Corn; Thinner; Creepshow 2; Needful Things; The Mangler; Children of the Corn II: The Final Sacrifice; BMT: The Dark Tower; Dreamcatcher; The Lawnmower Man; Firestarter; Maximum Overdrive; Sleepwalkers; Firestarter; The Rage: Carrie 2; Graveyard Shift; Notes: Oh wow he straight up wrote this. That’s … nuts. One sec. Yeah, so this is the first film written by King to not be based on one of his preexisting works. Also there is only one other film where he was the sole writer, Maximum Overdrive being the other.)
Actors – Brian Krause – ( Known For: Growth; Hollywood.Con; Plan 9; Naked Souls; Red Sky; Poseidon Rex; Toolbox Murders 2; Cyrus; Triloquist; Alien Rising; Protecting the King; Absolute Killers; BMT: Sleepwalkers; Return to the Blue Lagoon; Notes: Still acting, although, honestly in what appears to be a whole lotta schlock. He was in 145 episodes of Charmed.)
Mädchen Amick – ( Known For: Twin Peaks: Fire Walk with Me; Twin Peaks: The Missing Pieces; Dream Lover; The Boyfriend School; The Borrower; Scenes of the Crime; Bombshell; French Exit; Future BMT: Trapped in Paradise; BMT: Priest; Sleepwalkers; Notes: Still acts, most notably in 117 episodes of Riverdale. I recognized her from Twin Peaks.)
Alice Krige – ( Known For: Thor: The Dark World; Reign of Fire; Star Trek: First Contact; Solomon Kane; Chariots of Fire; Texas Chainsaw Massacre; Gretel & Hansel; The Contract; Lonely Hearts; Barfly; A Christmas Prince; A Christmas Prince: The Royal Wedding; The Little Vampire; A Christmas Prince: The Royal Baby; Skin; Will; She Will; The Bay of Silence; The Betrayed; The Calling; Future BMT: The Sorcerer’s Apprentice; Ghost Story; King David; BMT: Silent Hill; Sleepwalkers; Notes: Ah ha! It’s the Borg Queen from Star Trek: First Contact. That’s incredible. She does have a look. She did the voice in the Picard show as well.)
Budget/Gross – $15 million / Domestic: $30,524,763 (Worldwide: $30,524,763)
(This actually is an interesting about of money. King always seemed like a difficult person to make a movie with so I doubt a sequel of any kind would have been in the cards … is a little weird he never got the shot to write another original though.)
(The consensus is funny really, it is basically: Same old stuff, feels like King just cashed that check … he probably did. It’ll be over 40% soon I think, every recent review is good.)
Reviewer Highlight: As it sleepwalks towards its ungrand finale, the new King invention falls back on familiar things. – Malcolm Johnson, Hartford Courant
(This is fun. Like the cover of an old school paperback. I love it. Maybe just a tad more of the dusk sky would have made it pop a little more. Still, it’s great. A.)
Tagline(s) – They feast on your fear – and it’s dinner time. (C-)
(Wait… what? They eat your fear? I don’t think that’s true. I think they eat you… like physically consume you. So this tagline is lying to you. Do not believe it.)
Keyword(s) – 1991-1999
Top 10: Armageddon (1998), Home Alone 2: Lost in New York (1992), Hook (1991), Batman & Robin (1997), Batman Forever (1995), Big Daddy (1999), Ace Ventura: When Nature Calls (1995), Godzilla (1998), Event Horizon (1997), Demolition Man (1993)
Future BMT: 86.8 Street Fighter (1994), 82.9 Inspector Gadget (1999), 79.3 Home Alone 3 (1997), 75.4 Look Who’s Talking Now (1993), 74.9 Junior (1994), 72.3 The Next Karate Kid (1994), 71.9 Mr. Magoo (1997), 67.9 The Crow: City of Angels (1996), 67.1 Turbo: A Power Rangers Movie (1997), 67.0 Mr. Nanny (1993), 63.5 Showgirls (1995), 61.7 Pet Sematary II (1992), 61.5 Cop & ½ (1993), 61.1 Beethoven’s 2nd (1993), 60.4 The Mangler (1995), 60.1 Spawn (1997), 59.7 Children of the Corn II: The Final Sacrifice (1992), 59.5 Jury Duty (1995), 58.1 Child’s Play 3 (1991), 57.9 Holy Man (1998)
BMT: Batman & Robin (1997), Mortal Kombat: Annihilation (1997), Speed 2: Cruise Control (1997), The Avengers (1998), Baby Geniuses (1999), Spice World (1997), Barb Wire (1996), Kazaam (1996), Super Mario Bros. (1993), RoboCop 3 (1993), Highlander II: The Quickening (1991), Jason Goes to Hell (1993), Universal Soldier: The Return (1999), Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot (1992), Steel (1997), Bio-Dome (1996), Striptease (1996), Species II (1998), Freddy’s Dead: The Final Nightmare (1991), The Island of Dr. Moreau (1996), I Still Know What You Did Last Summer (1998), Wild Wild West (1999), Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers (1995), Double Dragon (1994), Anaconda (1997), It’s Pat: The Movie (1994), Cool as Ice (1991), Lawnmower Man 2: Beyond Cyberspace (1995), …
Best Options (Horror): 61.7 Pet Sematary II (1992), 60.4 The Mangler (1995), 59.7 Children of the Corn II: The Final Sacrifice (1992), 58.1 Child’s Play 3 (1991), 57.5 An American Werewolf in Paris (1997), 50.8 Sleepwalkers (1992), 48.7 Candyman: Farewell to the Flesh (1995), 46.9 Hellraiser III: Hell on Earth (1992), 45.8 House on Haunted Hill (1999), 44.1 Bordello of Blood (1996), 43.9 Diabolique (1996), 43.4 Village of the Damned (1995), 42.1 Ghost in the Machine (1993), 41.7 Disturbing Behavior (1998), 40.4 End of Days (1999), 39.9 In Dreams (1999), 38.7 Dr. Giggles (1992), 38.6 Hideaway (1995), 38.1 Dracula: Dead and Loving It (1995), 36.9 Thinner (1996), 36.4 The Relic (1997), 35.3 Warlock: The Armageddon (1993), 35.1 Man’s Best Friend (1993), 32.6 Mary Reilly (1996), 31.4 My Boyfriend’s Back (1993), 28.4 Deep Rising (1998), 27.7 Bad Moon (1996), 26.6 Stigmata (1999), 26.5 The Puppet Masters (1994), 26.0 Brainscan (1994), 25.8 Idle Hands (1999), 23.2 Popcorn (1991), 21.9 Screamers (1995)
(Those are some solid options, and … Jesus, so many of them are King horror films. This one is fun though because it just looks wild.)
Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 17) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Ron Perlman is No. 6 billed in Sleepwalkers and No. 2 billed in Season of the Witch, which also stars Nicolas Cage (No. 1 billed) who is in The Wicker Man (No. 1 billed) which also stars Leelee Sobieski (No. 6 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 1 billed) => (6 + 2) + (1 + 1) + (6 + 1) = 17. If we were to watch King David, Nights in Rodanthe, and The Glass House we can get the HoE Number down to 15.
Notes – Lyman Ward and Cindy Pickett, who played Tanya’s parents, were also married in real life at the time of filming. (They had met when they appeared in Ferris Bueller’s Day Off (1986), where they also played a married couple).
Both Mick Garris and Mädchen Amick are allergic to cats, as revealed in the recent Scream Factory Blu-ray release. Amick didn’t reveal this to anyone until right as the film went into production.
According to director Mick Garris, Stephen King’s wife Tabitha King wrote a treatment for a sequel that would have involved a women’s basketball team.
During a Q&A celebrating the film’s 25th anniversary, director Mick Garris revealed the Enya song “Boadicea” was chosen for the film only because, of all the songs provided to him by Sony Music at the time for cross-promotion, it was the one song he felt fit the tone of the film.
Mick Garris cast Alice Krige as Mary Brady after remembering her appearance in Ghost Story (1981), which he had publicized when he worked as a publicist for Universal Pictures.
I’m trying to think whether I would have said this story before… it’s possible. Let’s find out together. So back in the day there would have been occasional family trips to NYC. We’d see the sights and sounds and family. Have a frozen hot chocolate at Serendipity. Have a fancy dinner we couldn’t have at home like French or Sushi. And usually we’d go see a movie. Because of the age ranges we would usually split. Older going to a more mature film and younger to sillier stuff. Assassins was one of those “for mature audiences only” choices that we didn’t get to go to. But I recall hearing about how someone shoots someone with a gun concealed in a cast. Which is how I always thought of the movie. People with broken arms shooting at people. Anyway, it’s pretty much impossible for us to know exactly what we got to partake in, but judging from what was out the best guess is The Big Green. Classic.
To recap, Assassins! Sly Stallone is our titular “hero.” He talks to his computer who tells him who to kill for cash money. He is starting to get all philosophical about it as a Stallone is wont to do, haunted by the memory of killing his mentor. But he can’t retire yet… because of the money. Anyway, on his latest job a young upstart hitman swoops in for the kill. Stallone’s like “boo,” and starts to chase this mysterious Bain. While doing this he is given a new job: kill Electra and retrieve a disc of data she stole. When he arrives at the location where Electra is selling the disc he finds that she (she?!) has set up an elaborate system to evade capture and that Bain is there. Before Bain can get to them Stallone makes a decision to spare her. He ends up trying to exchange the disc for even more money (given the presence of Bain at the same hit) and survives a second hit set up by his contact. This really peeves him off. He’s like “now even more money” and sets it up to be an exchange at the very Puerto Rican bank where he killed his mentor. Bain is sent to kill Stallone, but ultimately Stallone sets a trap and after a battle he wins. But wait, a twist! His mentor didn’t die after all! He was wearing a bulletproof vest when Stallone shot him! (What a twist!). He means to kill Stallone and Bain, but before he does they both shoot him for real this time. Then Bain tries to cross Stallone, but he’s like “nope” and kills him too. Victorious, Stallone and Electra smooch hard (probably, we don’t see that part). THE END.
This movie is dumb as rocks. Not to get too deep in the Banderas mythology, but it does feel like a precursor to Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever. Exchange all sense of reality for total assassin nonsense. We have assassins rankings like it’s the tennis tour or something and Bain wants to take the top spot. What? Stallone is the best of all time and yet somehow his mentor wears a bulletproof vest and is able to survive a hit… didn’t want to double check that guy? But Megadumb also does often mean Megafun and there is quite a bit of fun to be had here. Basically none of it involves Stallone, who is full on in his Get Carter mumbly sad phase at this point. Sure the man has some muscles, but he also has a heart and it’s just not in killing people any more. Enough! You are an assassin. I want full on Banderas gif mode here. Banderas tears the scenery apart and it makes the movie. Thank god he was there or it would have been a tragedy.
Hot Take Clam Bake! Stallone simply is not the best assassin in the world. Just cannot be. First of all he doesn’t like doing it and as we all know, to be the best you gotta love it. You aren’t going to take the NBA by storm if you don’t have that fire. Stallone doesn’t anymore and would have been supplanted well before Bain showed up. Second, he let his mentor live. You shot him in the chest from a distance and just walked away? Didn’t care to shoot him in the head like the real top hitman would have? This is a dude who taught you everything. One of the best. Don’t want to maybe hang around and see the body? Just gonna presume he died and then be real sad about it for years? What is this amateur hour? Hot Take Temperature: Puerto Rico.
Patrick?
Patrick
‘Ello everyone! *gif of me looking at a computer with Assassins playing and then turning and biting my fist in pure satisfaction* Let’s go!
My god, there is nothing like a Stallone film for BMT. They are always so silly and hilarious. It really is too bad we are almost done with them. Like … I’m not joking. By early 2025 we’ll have watched 25 of his films and we’ll only have Ratchet & Clank left. There will be a Stallone Day in 2026 so I guess we’ll be watching Ratchet & Clank then … hopefully A Working Man will be out and terrible by then.
As Jamie said we have a weirdly long and stories history with this film. It was the film I wished we could have watched with out brothers. And then for years I never bothered by always kind of imagined what it must be about. The actual film is a lot different than I thought. I figured it was just two assassins sent after each other to kill each other and super action packed. It is definitely not the second.
The good? I like understated Sly, and Banderas is on one in this. Actually, you have to make up a new word to describe what he is in this film. It goes well beyond just being “on one”. It is hilarious, a bizarre, and crazy, and honestly I loved the performance even if I know it is actually like … bad acting. So the acting is the fun bit of the film for the most part.
The bad? Well, the story is nonsense. And the choice in directing is just on the wrong side of weird. Like it is weird to have the big climax set piece being Sly boring Antonio Banderes to death by just waiting around for hours and hours and hours doing nothing and trying to get him to fall asleep. That’s a nuts choice.
Luckily the whole film is saved by Banderas. The gif of him biting his fist and looking delightedly from his computer screen will live on in BMT lore. It might be the first film to make the BMT Hall of Fame on the power of a gif alone.
Oh didn’t I mention Julianne Moore … huh, yeah her bit was weird. What was this movie about again? Like a hacker hacked some stuff and then a bad guy sent some assassins after her and … the hacker thing was for money or something. I legit can’t remember. It genuinely is not at all important.
I do love the Setting as a Character (Where?) for the climax which takes place in the very distinct Old Town of Puerto Rico. And there is a genuine MacGuffin (Why?) for the hacker hard drive that everyone wants to get their hands on. And a definite Worst Twist (How?) for the reveal that the guy Sly killed years ago never died and he was actually playing a 15 year long long con to get back and him or something. BMT through and through, but only because of Banderas, I’m going to make a Banderas Cut of this film which is just the Banderas scenes.
Learn all about famous Assassins I assume in the Quiz. Cheerios,
Assssssasssssssins. Assssasssssins. I wonder if there is a famous assssssasssssin I should learn about. Let’s go!
Pop Quiz Hot Shot!
1) Like a Rolling Stone (by The Rolling Stones) was on the soundtrack for Assassins. They had many hits over the years, but this 1968 song that hit number three on the Billboard Top 100 charts shares a name with a Whoopi Goldberg film. What is it?
2) They also play an opera from Puccini, in particular a song from Gianni Schicchi. His four most well-known operas are Tosca (1900), Madama Butterfly (1904), and Turandot (1924) and a 1986 opera that was later (roughly) adapted into a hugely successful Broadway musical. Name both.
3) Speaking of Assassins, there are many in the long history of the United States. Carl Weiss was the assassin of this Governor of Louisiana who was the templates for the character of Willie Stark in the book All the King’s Men. Name that political figure.
4) The film partially takes place in Puerto Rico. Puerto Rico became U.S. territory in 1898 after the Spanish-American War. As part of the Treaty of Paris of 1898 Spain made Cuba a protectorate of the U.S., and ceded Puerto Rico and what two other territories?
5) Sylvester Stallone has been nominated for three Academy Awards in his long career (he didn’t win any of them). Name the movies and awards he was nominated for.
Bonus NYTimes Listing Question: On October 12, 1996 Assassins played Primetime on HBO and was one of the highlighted programs of the New York Times listings. It would go head to head with this film on TMC (hint: It’s a western):
Jamie leaves the kitchen and gasps. Samantha is sitting at the dinner table and she’s beautiful. His hands would be shaking so hard that he would be worried he’d drop the first course of their 2003 Celtics themed dinner… that is if he were actually holding the platter. Patrick and Kyle each have one of their arms looped under Jamie’s armpits. It’s how they cooked the entire meal given just how love sick Jamie was. “You look beautiful,” Patrick whispers, crouching behind him, trying to guide him through the presentation. “You look… b…bountiful,” Jamie stammers and Samantha giggles. “Here is our first course,” Kyle whispers, but this time Jamie doesn’t even attempt to say the words. Kyle slowly reaches his hand around Jamie’s face and smears some peanut butter on his lips. While Jamie smacks and licks, trying to clear the delicious peanut buttery goodness away, Kyle quickly ventriloquizes “Here is our first course.” Just three additional applications of peanut butter later and they’ve finally complimented Samantha again and gotten the food on the table, not that Jamie will have any hope of enjoying it given that his appetite has now been ruined. “So tell me what this dish represents?” Samantha helpfully coaxes. “Ahem,” Jamie begins, finally on a subject he’s more comfortable with (as opposed to the most dangerous subject… love). “This is a PB&J sandwich. That’s the double headed dragon of Paul Pierce and Ricky ‘Buckets’ Davis combined with the shot that everyone is jelly of, Jiri Welsch’s Grape Jelly slamma jamma.” Samantha claps at his enthusiasm and even Patrick can’t help but smile a little. It was all absurd, but it appeared to be working. Jamie holds up his hand. He’s not finished. “I call it… the Assassins.” That’s right! We are finally watching one of the few missing pieces of the Sly Stallone puzzle that is our life. This one costars Antonio Banderas and we should be arrested for never having seen it. Let’s go!
Assassins (1995) – BMeTric: 24.0; Notability: 55
StreetCreditReport.com –BMeTric: top 18.4%; Notability: top 4.4%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 11.0%; Higher BMeT: Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers, Lawnmower Man 2: Beyond Cyberspace, Vampire in Brooklyn, Fair Game, Showgirls, Jury Duty, Congo, Theodore Rex, The Babysitter, Mighty Morphin Power Rangers, A Kid in King Arthur’s Court, Candyman: Farewell to the Flesh, Under Siege 2: Dark Territory, Judge Dredd, Nine Months, The Scarlet Letter, Johnny Mnemonic, Virtuosity, Jade, Man of the House, and 26 more; Higher Notability: Congo, Judge Dredd, Under Siege 2: Dark Territory, Virtuosity, Showgirls, Money Train, Stuart Saves His Family, Four Rooms, Steal Big Steal Little, Mighty Morphin Power Rangers, Things to Do in Denver When You’re Dead; Lower RT: The Big Green, Jury Duty, National Lampoon’s Senior Trip, Theodore Rex, Top Dog, Delta of Venus, Born to Be Wild, A Pyromaniac’s Love Story, A Kid in King Arthur’s Court, The Hunted, Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers, It Takes Two, The Tie That Binds, Dracula: Dead and Loving It, Vampire in Brooklyn, Fair Game, Four Rooms, The Scarlet Letter, Man of the House, Moonlight and Valentino, and 7 more; Notes: Played 30 times on television which is solid, and that Notability is quite good. Anyways, we’ve seen 12/20 for the top BMeT which is pretty solid. Is 1995 an incredible bad movie year? Seems like it.
RogerEbert.com – 1.5 stars – Believe me, I know how to believe stuff when it happens in the movies. I believe bicycles can fly. I believe sharks can eat boats. I even believe pigs can talk. But I do not believe “Assassins,” because this movie is filled with such preposterous impossibilities that Forrest Gump could have improved it with a quick rewrite.
(What does the Forrest Gump thing mean? I guess he’s dumb and so even a dumb person could improve the script? Weird nonetheless.)
(Assassins baby! Back in the day I remember my brothers went to see it and then came back describing the gun in the arm cast (which is near to the beginning of the film). I hate saddo Stallone though. Luckily Banderas is on one and salvages the film a bit.)
Directors – Richard Donner – ( Known For: The Goonies; Lethal Weapon; Lethal Weapon 2; Superman; Lethal Weapon 3; Lethal Weapon 4; The Omen; 16 Blocks; Maverick; Scrooged; Conspiracy Theory; Ladyhawke; Superman II: The Richard Donner Cut; Inside Moves; London Affair; Salt and Pepper; X-15; Future BMT: The Toy; Radio Flyer; BMT: Assassins; Timeline; Notes: He retired after 16 Blocks and died only a few years ago at 91. The Goonies and Superman are both in the National Film Registry.)
Writers – Lilly Wachowski – ( Known For: The Matrix; V for Vendetta; The Matrix Reloaded; Cloud Atlas; The Matrix Resurrections; Speed Racer; Bound; Future BMT: The Matrix Revolutions; BMT: Jupiter Ascending; Assassins; Notes: Apparently their script was effectively not used for this film and completely rewritten. They failed to get their names removed.)
Lana Wachowski – ( Known For: The Matrix; V for Vendetta; The Matrix Reloaded; Cloud Atlas; The Matrix Resurrections; Speed Racer; Bound; Future BMT: The Matrix Revolutions; BMT: Jupiter Ascending; Assassins; Notes: Their directing career appears to be mostly over after the back-to-back releases of Jupiter Ascending and the somewhat disappointing Matrix: Resurrections.)
Brian Helgeland – ( Known For: L.A. Confidential; Mystic River; Robin Hood; The Taking of Pelham 123; Legend; A Knight’s Tale; Payback; Green Zone; Conspiracy Theory; 42; Spenser Confidential; A Nightmare on Elm Street 4: The Dream Master; Blood Work; Finestkind; 976-EVIL; Highway to Hell; The Killer; 976-Evil II; Future BMT: Man on Fire; Cirque du Freak: The Vampire’s Assistant; The Order; BMT: Assassins; The Postman; Notes: He won an Oscar for writing L.A. Confidential, and was nominated for another for Mystic River. Those were both after completely rewriting this film. Amazing.)
Actors – Sylvester Stallone – ( Known For: Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2; Rocky; Men in Black; The Suicide Squad; Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 3; The Expendables; The Expendables 2; Creed; First Blood; Escape Plan; Rocky II; Rocky Balboa; Rocky IV; Rocky III; Antz; Creed II; Cliffhanger; Cop Land; M*A*S*H; Spy Kids 3: Game Over; Future BMT: Rocky V; Staying Alive; Ratchet & Clank; BMT: Rambo; The Expendables 3; Demolition Man; Rambo: First Blood Part II; Rambo III; Judge Dredd; Tango & Cash; Rambo: Last Blood; Assassins; Cobra; Daylight; The Specialist; Zookeeper; Grudge Match; Over the Top; Lock Up; Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot; The Expendables 4; Driven; Get Carter; Oscar; Rhinestone; Notes: Y’all know Sly. Incredible. We have plans to watch Rocky V this year and then Staying Alive early next year which means we’ll be only a Ratchet & Clank away from completing Sly’s BMT filmography … b-b-b-b-b-b-but what are we going to do about Stallone Day!)
Antonio Banderas – ( Known For: Shrek 2; Interview with the Vampire: The Vampire Chronicles; Shrek the Third; Uncharted; Philadelphia; Shrek Forever After; Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny; The Mask of Zorro; Desperado; Puss in Boots; Puss in Boots: The Last Wish; Once Upon a Time in Mexico; The Skin I Live In; Spy Kids; Four Rooms; Ruby Sparks; Frida; Haywire; Spy Kids 2: Island of Lost Dreams; Spy Kids 3: Game Over; Future BMT: The Legend of Zorro; Machete Kills; Spy Kids 4: All the Time in the World; Life Itself; Play It to the Bone; BMT: The Expendables 3; The 13th Warrior; Hitman’s Wife’s Bodyguard; Assassins; Dolittle; Original Sin; Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever; Never Talk to Strangers; Notes: Nominated for an Oscar for Pain and Glory in 2020. I just finished watching all of the Shrek films (and the spin-offs) … animated franchises are wild man. They really are kind of nothing. The second Puss in Boots being the best movie of the bunch was a surprise though, it at least has interesting animation.)
Julianne Moore – ( Known For: The Big Lebowski; Crazy, Stupid, Love.; Children of Men; The Hunger Games: Mockingjay – Part 1; The Lost World: Jurassic Park; The Hunger Games: Mockingjay – Part 2; Kingsman: The Golden Circle; Magnolia; The Fugitive; Boogie Nights; Non-Stop; Don Jon; Carrie; Still Alice; The Hours; Evolution; The Kids Are All Right; A Single Man; The Woman in the Window; Chloe; Future BMT: Hannibal; Eagle Eye; Next; The Forgotten; Suburbicon; Laws of Attraction; Dear Evan Hansen; Freedomland; Roommates; The Gun in Betty Lou’s Handbag; BMT: Assassins; Seventh Son; Nine Months; Body of Evidence; The Ladies Man; Notes: Nominated for five Oscars (Boogie Nights, The End of the Affair, The Hours, Far From Heaven, and finally winning for Still Alice). I cannot believe how many more films we have for BMT for her … she does do some weird stuff (like Assassins).)
(Disastrous naturally. Sly really was struggling to transition to his late career at this point. He really should have started writing again at this point and probably looking to direct a young actor or something. Instead he made Driven.)
(Nice I get to think through a consensus. Donner fails to provide any action to what appears to be a more contemplative actioner in the Sly oeuvre. That does seem to be the main complaint, just too much dead air.)
Reviewer Highlight: A not-much-fun high-tech actioner. – Jonathan Taylor, Variety
(I find the inclusion of the brick and concrete walls to be so insane that I love it. A+++++ that’s really like a C-. The font is horrible.)
Tagline(s) – In the shadows of life, In the business of death, One man found a reason to live… (D)
(This is so amazing that you would think I would have written it as a joke. It’s like a perfect: this is what a tagline is, right? Kind of tagline. Like gotta have those three things. Life. Death. Uh… Life. Can I make this any longer? YOLO.)
Keyword(s) – 1991-1999
Top 10: Armageddon (1998), Home Alone 2: Lost in New York (1992), Hook (1991), Batman & Robin (1997), Batman Forever (1995), Big Daddy (1999), Ace Ventura: When Nature Calls (1995), Godzilla (1998), Event Horizon (1997), Demolition Man (1993)
Future BMT: 86.8 Street Fighter (1994), 82.9 Inspector Gadget (1999), 79.3 Home Alone 3 (1997), 75.4 Look Who’s Talking Now (1993), 74.9 Junior (1994), 72.3 The Next Karate Kid (1994), 71.9 Mr. Magoo (1997), 67.9 The Crow: City of Angels (1996), 67.1 Turbo: A Power Rangers Movie (1997), 67.0 Mr. Nanny (1993), 63.5 Showgirls (1995), 61.7 Pet Sematary II (1992), 61.5 Cop & ½ (1993), 61.1 Beethoven’s 2nd (1993), 60.4 The Mangler (1995), 60.1 Spawn (1997), 59.7 Children of the Corn II: The Final Sacrifice (1992), 59.5 Jury Duty (1995), 58.1 Child’s Play 3 (1991), 57.9 Holy Man (1998)
BMT: Batman & Robin (1997), Mortal Kombat: Annihilation (1997), Speed 2: Cruise Control (1997), The Avengers (1998), Baby Geniuses (1999), Spice World (1997), Barb Wire (1996), Kazaam (1996), Super Mario Bros. (1993), RoboCop 3 (1993), Highlander II: The Quickening (1991), Jason Goes to Hell (1993), Universal Soldier: The Return (1999), Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot (1992), Steel (1997), Bio-Dome (1996), Striptease (1996), Species II (1998), Freddy’s Dead: The Final Nightmare (1991), The Island of Dr. Moreau (1996), I Still Know What You Did Last Summer (1998), Wild Wild West (1999), Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers (1995), Double Dragon (1994), Anaconda (1997), It’s Pat: The Movie (1994), Cool as Ice (1991), Lawnmower Man 2: Beyond Cyberspace (1995), Wing Commander (1999), Highlander: The Final Dimension (1994), On Deadly Ground (1994), Vampire in Brooklyn (1995), Dudley Do-Right (1999), Double Team (1997), Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III (1993), Ed (1996), The Flintstones (1994), The Haunting (1999), Leprechaun (1993), Bats (1999), Fair Game (1995), Cool World (1992), Body of Evidence (1993), Problem Child 2 (1991), …
Best Options (Action): 86.8 Street Fighter (1994), 82.9 Inspector Gadget (1999), 79.3 Home Alone 3 (1997), 72.3 The Next Karate Kid (1994), 67.9 The Crow: City of Angels (1996), 67.1 Turbo: A Power Rangers Movie (1997), 67.0 Mr. Nanny (1993), 60.1 Spawn (1997), 57.1 3 Ninjas Kick Back (1994), 54.1 Spy Hard (1996), 53.0 McHale’s Navy (1997), 52.3 Mighty Morphin Power Rangers (1995), 51.5 Kull the Conqueror (1997), 50.4 3 Ninjas (1992), …, 24.0 Assassins (1995), ….
(I’m stunned at how low that BMeTric is. But then again, I guess people love Sly? Spawn is the obvious one we could have done. Spoiler: We’re still going to do it.)
Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 9) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Sylvester Stallone is No. 1 billed in Assassins and No. 2 billed in The Expendables 4, which also stars Jason Statham (No. 1 billed) who is in In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale (No. 1 billed) which also stars Leelee Sobieski (No. 3 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 1 billed) => (1 + 2) + (1 + 1) + (3 + 1) = 9. If we were to watch The Glass House we can get the HoE Number down to 8.
Notes – During production, Brian Helgeland was brought in to rewrite the script. The Wachowskis, unsatisfied with the rewrites, petitioned to have their names removed from the credits, but were denied this request by the WGA.
Sylvester Stallone’s paycheck was $15 million.
When Miguel Bain is arrested by the police after the cemetery shoot-out and being driven in the back of a police car, as the cops are inspecting his weapons he says “Cuidado con las armas, que las carga el diablo”. This roughly translates to: “Be careful with the guns, they were loaded by the devil”.
Electra’s cat seen in the film is a Maine Coon. The same cat appears in the film The Specialist (1994), also starring Sylvester Stallone.
Richard Donner claims the film would have worked better if he swapped Sylvester Stallone and Antonio Banderas.
Awards – Nominee for the Razzie Award for Worst Actor (Sylvester Stallone)
I always try to start these with an anecdote. Here Patrick is trying to steal my thunder. I am undeterred. On occasion you will see the question posed on Reddit or somesuch about a quote that you and your friends (in this case, my best friend Patrick awwww) use that is wildly obscure, but somehow entered your lexicon. One very common answer for us would be the quote “That’s nice, Peanut,” likely used to denigrate something that someone was excited about, but you are not as enthused by. An example would be the latest and greatest feats of your fantasy football team. Guess what? My team scored 200 points last week. “That’s nice, Peanut.” Translation: sounds nice for you, but really I’m not listening because I do not care. Forever we would have attributed this quote to Jury Duty. Peanut is the name of the dog in Jury Duty… now how this quote would be used given the context that “Peanut” is a dog… no idea. It just always was the connection made. What a shock to find the quote actually came from Celtic Pride. Life changing.
To recap, Jimmy and Mike are lifelong Celtics fans and season ticket holders. They are the pride of the section they inhabit and just when the glorious Boston Garden is about to be demolished it appears like their hard work will finally pay off in one more championship. Up 3-2 it appears to be a lock. However, as their superstitions go awry and the Utah Jazz superstar Lewis Scott gets hot, they lose and set up a deciding game 7. Later on they happen upon Scott at a nightclub and have a brilliant idea: get him so drunk that he’s hungover for the game. Unfortunately they also get blotto and wake up having drunkenly kidnapped him. Both terrified of the consequences of having done this and kinda into the idea of keeping him captive until after the game, they decide to go through with their drunken actions. Given that they are real dumb and losers, Scott is able to turn them against each other and eventually subdue them after a game of pickup basketball. Scott makes them a deal: they better root for the Jazz to win or he’ll turn them in to the authorities. Having reconciled with their families about the likelihood that they will end up in prison, they attend the game and root hard for the Jazz under the guise of a reverse jinx. However, as the Celtics take the lead they give Scott a real pep talk about teamwork and he leads the Jazz back to within a basket. In the end he makes the unselfish play and Jimmy and Mike celebrate the championship with him. Ultimately he makes sure they don’t go to jail. We end with them kidnapping Deion Sanders. THE END.
Alright, so this movie is actually a lot funnier than its reputation would lead you to believe. Akyroyd is far from my favorite actor, but this is one of the better roles I’ve seen him in. Daniel Stern on the other hand is good without any qualifiers. The range of emotions he puts on for this silly movie is impressive. Somehow this kind of ended his mainstream career that had taken off with Home Alone. I don’t know why. He’s good. He’s funny. They couldn’t find an actually good movie for him to be in? Weird. Damon Wayans is a bit raw, but it might be the material. The biggest problem with the film is the plot itself. We have a couple of white Boston superfans kidnapping the “showboating” and “selfish” black athlete. It’s not a good look… like at all. Add in some weird and wild 90’s gay panic jokes that land like a thud and you can see that to be truly resurrected as a cult hit the film would need a nice polishing to buff out the various scratches. Makes it very hard to actually like our main characters. Oh and there’s a scene where Akyroyd hits a half court shot during the game that has no purpose. I do believe there was a purpose to the scene that was edited out for time and so my mind can’t comprehend how the half court shot remained in the film. It is simply not a comedic scene and has no purpose.
Hot Take Clam Bake! Let’s get down to it. Why we’re all here: the truth. The truth is that the Celtics should have won the championship in this movie. It bothered me as a kid. It bothers me even more now. And not because I’m a Celtics fan. I swear. It just works better with the storyline. Hear me out. What if everything in the movie happens. We see the Jazz go down big. We see our main characters give the pep talk to Scott. We see him realize that he has to be unselfish and he helps them take the lead with seconds remaining with a well-timed pass to his teammate. Then we see that he has to guard the Celtic’s best player who makes a move and Scott is just not good enough defensively to stop him and the Celtics win. Our main characters are devastated. They are going to jail, but also it was beautiful basketball. They approach Scott who admits that they were right and he’s not going to turn them in. Instead he’s going to make them pay by crushing the Celtics next year. Flash forward to the Jazz having swept the C’s and Scott thanks his two biggest fans, Jimmy and Mike, who look miserable. That’s better, right? RIGHT?! Hot Take Temperature: He’s On Fire!
Patrick?
Patrick
‘Ello everyone! We talking about pride in my Celtics? That’s nice, Peanut. Let’s go!
Oh man, I’ve seen this film a few times when I was a kid. Which is weird because it wasn’t on TV in the 90s. I think I watched it once on video in the late 90s and then a few times in the very early 2000s. Honestly … loved it.
I’m sure Jamie mentioned it, but amusingly we thought the quote “That’s nice, Peanut” was from Jury Duty starring Pauly Shore for years. Because his dog is named Peanut (naturally). It isn’t. It is from this movie. Dan Aykroyd is talking to his grandmother and explaining how he is probably going to jail, and her response is: “That’s nice, Peanut.” Feels good after all these years to get that right.
And I will say, the film’s timeline is all kinds of fucked. Because they had to film it between when the Celtics vacated the old Garden and before it was destroyed, it meant the filming occurred in the late autumn into the fall. This means that everyone is wearing jackets and you can see everyone’s breath while running around outside. This, of course, is actually supposed to be June in Boston and it would never (ever) be cold enough to see your breath. So the entire thing is kind of surreal because the movie feels like it takes place in the winter, but actually it is supposed to be the summer. Just a very strange choice in filmmaking necessitated by the fact that there was simply one place and time the film could be filmed.
I do think the three main actors are quite funny in the film. The material itself is often annoying or depressing, but everyone gets there odd bit to shine. Aykroyd is probably the main over the top hammy performance which could have been toned down.
The movie though just isn’t very funny (it is actually mostly just unpleasant), and the conclusion is not satisfying in a way … as a Celtics fan I mean.
But the movie is a pretty legendarily bad sports film, which is a rare genre it turns out.
Some awesome Product Placement (What?) for Oscar Mayer hot dogs during the commercial challenge. Oh wait, where was this film taking place again? Oh right, Setting as a Character (Where?) it is set in Boston ha ha. Given the timing issues I noticed, it is a pretty funny Exact Date (When?) movie in that you can assume it is set precisely between the 6th and 7th game of the 1996 NBA championships. Actually genuine Good Twist (How?) for the ultimate conclusion that Utah wins which is somewhat unexpected I think. This movie is BMT through and through and obviously also supremely entertaining.
What else can we learn from Celtic Pride? Find out in the Quiz. Cheerios,
My god … well I promise you this. You ain’t learning a thing about the Boston Celtics in this quiz. Let’s go!
Pop Quiz Hot Shot!
1) The Celtics are playing the Utah Jazz in the finals. Everyone knows the Utah Jazz used to be the New Orleans Jazz prior to moving in 1979. The New Orleans Jazz star player at the time is also the all-time leading scorer in Men’s Division I College Basketball. Who was that player?
2) One of the commercials Lewis Scott performed in was for Oscar Mayer. You know the famous jingle right. My [BLANK] has a first name, it’s O-S-C-A-R. What fills in the blank?
3) At the end of the film they kidnap Deion Sanders, who would have been playing for the Dallas Cowboys at the time (and maybe still the Reds). What college did Deion Sanders go to?
4) Bill Murray claims this film is why he doesn’t accept roles from Judd Apatow. Bill Murray has a possibly apocryphal system whereby he has an answering machine he checks infrequently which is the only way roles can be offered to him. He did accept the role of Garfield though. Who was\ the director of that film?
5) A lot of the people involved were also involved with Saturday Night Live over the years. An SNL movie through and through is Dirty Work starring Norm Macdonald. That film though is (kind of) based on a short story, Vengeance is Mine, Inc, by what author?
Bonus NYTimes Listing Question: You might need a hint for this one: it shares its name with a 2008 film:
“You guys really are the Mud Squad!” Pierre says, eyes shining with excitement. “How was that?” He asks, practicing his lines for the latest commercial for The Mud Squad Spa and Perfumery, the hog themed relaxation hotspot that they replaced the cursed hog farm with. They lie to him and say it was fine, then shake hands and bid him adieu. Before their flight back to New York, Jamie and Samantha sit canoodling in the corner whispering sweet nothings into their very undeaf ears. “Awww,” Kyle says, touched by his own memories of young love with Rachel the Pretzel Girl. “Looks like we won’t need four lessons after all, eh?” He continues, assuming that Jamie has already sealed the deal. Patrick chuckles. “Wrong again, old friend. This is puppy love. Jamie was looking for love love. And there’s only one way to a woman’s heart.” Kyle’s nods, picking up what he’s putting down. “Lesson #4: Putting (Meats and Cheeses) on the Ritz (Cracker).” Back in NYC, Patrick and Kyle recognize that Jamie is simply too in love to do the cooking himself. They decide to Ratatouille this shit and be his arms, eyes, ears, and nose for the Love Meal they got brewing. “The only thing we won’t be is your mouth, because that’ll be busy smooching.” Patrick says with a wink and they all triple high five. “But we can’t do a Love Meal without an intricate theme,” Kyle chimes in. He’s right, and Patrick turns to Jamie to hear his brilliant idea. “I like the Boston Celtics,” he says shrugging. Patrick is a bit bemused, but it’s Jamie’s Love Meal and so he’ll do his best. Besides, a good team should make for a good meal. “The 2003 Boston Celtics,” Jamie finishes smiling. Patrick is horrified. That’s right! We are watching the best Boston Celtics themed comedy of the 90’s and doing a real classic with Celtic Pride. All I remember about this is that the Celtics should have won in the end. We must avenge them. Let’s go!
Celtic Pride (1996) – BMeTric: 43.0; Notability: 45
StreetCreditReport.com –BMeTric: top 10.0%; Notability: top 12.4%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 8.2%; Higher BMeT: Barb Wire, Kazaam, Bio-Dome, Striptease, The Island of Dr. Moreau, The Crow: City of Angels, Ed, Hellraiser: Bloodline, The Stupids, Mr. Wrong, Spy Hard, Solo, Adrenalin: Fear the Rush, First Kid, Eddie, The Glimmer Man, D3: The Mighty Ducks, Chain Reaction, Maximum Risk, Big Bully, and 5 more; Higher Notability: Jingle All the Way, The Fan, Spy Hard, Chain Reaction, Mulholland Falls, Daylight, 101 Dalmatians, Eye for an Eye, Up Close & Personal, Eddie, The Associate, Dear God, The Island of Dr. Moreau, Sgt. Bilko, The Crow: City of Angels, The Adventures of Pinocchio, In Love and War, Space Truckers, Girl 6, Larger Than Life, and 11 more; Lower RT: The Dentist, Big Bully, Adrenalin: Fear the Rush, Getting Away with Murder, Bio-Dome, Kazaam, Ed, Faithful, Mr. Wrong, Spy Hard, Eye for an Eye, Bulletproof, Solo, Curdled, House Arrest, The Glimmer Man, In Love and War, Larger Than Life, Down Periscope, Dear God; Notes: I actually cannot believe this, but Celtic Pride apparently didn’t ever play on television in the 90s … that seems impossible. I personally watched it on television multiple times, but it must have been in the 2000s or something. I’m still hunting around. We are 10/10 on the top 20 BMeT films, which is solid. We really have hit around 50% of the entire 90s it would seem.
New York Times – There is more hysterical screaming in “Celtic Pride” than you will find in a dozen horror movies, but not an ax murderer in sight. The screamers in this stridently unfunny comedy about sports obsession are Boston Celtic fans whose rabid devotion to the basketball team amounts to a self-destructive addiction. – Stephen Holden
(Man, eviscerating it. But he ain’t wrong, there are very few actual jokes in the film. Mostly the jokes are just people insulting each other quite seriously and you are (I guess) supposed to laugh at them instead of with them? Doesn’t really work.)
(Goddamn I watched this film all the time back in the day. I do love how in this film there is basically like one black guy in the NBA and he’s an asshole. Not exactly a good look haha. “That’s nice peanut” is something I say all the time, and until recently I had kind of assumed it was from maybe The Wedding Singer, but a pleasant surprised to remember it was from this weirdo film.)
Directors – Tom DeCerchio – ( Known For: Boys Life 2; BMT: Celtic Pride; Notes: Apparently was supposed to direct Ace Ventura 2 but left abruptly.)
Writers – Judd Apatow – ( Known For: The 40-Year-Old Virgin; Knocked Up; Pineapple Express; This Is 40; Funny People; Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story; The King of Staten Island; Heavyweights; The Bubble; Future BMT: You Don’t Mess with the Zohan; Fun with Dick and Jane; BMT: Celtic Pride; Notes: Nominated for 13 Emmys. Won for The Ben Stiller Show, The Zen Diaries of Garry Shandling, and George Carlin’s American Dream. Somewhat notably had a very very experience with this film which was almost certainly intended to be a Knicks film. But you can’t pass up filming in the decommissioned Boston Garden before it was demolished.)
Colin Quinn – ( BMT: Celtic Pride; Notes: Nominated for an Emmy for Colin Quinn: Long Story Short. I used to watch Tough Crowd all the time. I wonder how much of a disaster some of those episodes seem these days … I don’t care to find out.)
Actors – Damon Wayans – ( Known For: Beverly Hills Cop; Last Action Hero; The Last Boy Scout; Roxanne; Colors; Earth Girls Are Easy; I’m Gonna Git You Sucka; Bamboozled; The Great White Hype; Punchline; Hollywood Shuffle; Farce of the Penguins; Richard Pryor: Omit the Logic; Cinnamon; Why We Laugh: Black Comedians on Black Comedy; Future BMT: Look Who’s Talking Too; Major Payne; Blankman; Mo’ Money; Marci X; BMT: Bulletproof; Celtic Pride; Notes: Nominated for 4 Emmys for In Living Color. The Lethal Weapon series he was part of had issues with the person playing Riggs who was killed off, it was a whole thing. I think it was the Riggs’ guy’s fault, but the series was basically doomed at that point.)
Daniel Stern – ( Known For: Home Alone; The Next Three Days; Hannah and Her Sisters; Whip It; City Slickers; Very Bad Things; Game Over, Man!; Rookie of the Year; Breaking Away; Stardust Memories; Blue Thunder; Diner; My Blue Heaven; Little Monsters; C.H.U.D.; D.O.A.; The Milagro Beanfield War; Born in East L.A.; Otis; The Last Time; Future BMT: Home Alone 2: Lost in New York; City Slickers II: The Legend of Curly’s Gold; Bushwhacked; BMT: Leviathan; Celtic Pride; Notes: Was a huge star in the 90s and then just kind of disappeared. I feared I would figure out there was something quite bad that caused this, but nope, it seems like he just soft retired or did theater acting or something. It is a little hard to tell.)
Dan Aykroyd – ( Known For: Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom; Ghostbusters; 50 First Dates; Ghostbusters; Ghostbusters II; Ghostbusters: Afterlife; The Blues Brothers; Trading Places; Antz; Casper; The Campaign; Evolution; Driving Miss Daisy; Grosse Pointe Blank; Tommy Boy; My Girl; Ghostbusters: Frozen Empire; Sneakers; Chaplin; The Great Outdoors; Future BMT: Coneheads; Spies Like Us; Loser; My Stepmother Is an Alien; Sgt. Bilko; Yogi Bear; My Girl 2; Feeling Minnesota; Doctor Detroit; The Couch Trip; Loose Cannons; BMT: Pearl Harbor; Pixels; I Now Pronounce You Chuck & Larry; Christmas with the Kranks; Tammy; Crossroads; Nothing But Trouble; Canadian Bacon; Caddyshack II; North; Celtic Pride; Exit to Eden; Legends of Oz: Dorothy’s Return; Notes: Y’all know Aykroyd. You know? The guy who makes that skull shaped vodka. Anyways, yeah, was an OG member of SNL, became a huge comedy star in the 80s and 90s, and now mostly just pops up here and there doing guest spots (and selling vodka). Somewhat embarrassingly his sole Oscar nomination was for Driving Miss Daisy. Was nominated for five Emmys for SNL and won one in 1977.)
(This honestly looks like a joke poster for a joke movie designed to make people angry. I know there are things like Fever Pitch and Angels in the Outfield and things like that, but this is objectively an absurd concept for a film. The poster is fine. A lot going on and not all of it is good or bad. I think I’m going to punt and give it a C.)
Tagline(s) – If you can’t beat ’em… steal him. (A)
(Ha! OK, I kind of like that. Funny too, because originally the tagline as written here had an exclamation point at the end. I didn’t like that. It’s like texting with exclamation points. Too exuberant. Tone it down. But when you look at the poster it doesn’t have one. Phew. Good.)
Keyword(s) – 1991-1999
Top 10: Home Alone 2: Lost in New York (1992), Hook (1991), Batman & Robin (1997), Batman Forever (1995), Big Daddy (1999), Ace Ventura: When Nature Calls (1995), Godzilla (1998), Event Horizon (1997), Demolition Man (1993), The Bone Collector (1999)
Future BMT: 86.8 Street Fighter (1994), 82.9 Inspector Gadget (1999), 79.3 Home Alone 3 (1997), 75.4 Look Who’s Talking Now (1993), 74.9 Junior (1994), 72.3 The Next Karate Kid (1994), 71.9 Mr. Magoo (1997), 67.9 The Crow: City of Angels (1996), 67.1 Turbo: A Power Rangers Movie (1997), 67.0 Mr. Nanny (1993), 63.5 Showgirls (1995), 61.7 Pet Sematary II (1992), 61.5 Cop & ½ (1993), 61.1 Beethoven’s 2nd (1993), 60.4 The Mangler (1995), 60.1 Spawn (1997), 59.7 Children of the Corn II: The Final Sacrifice (1992), 59.5 Jury Duty (1995), 58.1 Child’s Play 3 (1991), 57.9 Holy Man (1998)
BMT: Batman & Robin (1997), Mortal Kombat: Annihilation (1997), Speed 2: Cruise Control (1997), The Avengers (1998), Baby Geniuses (1999), Spice World (1997), Barb Wire (1996), Kazaam (1996), Super Mario Bros. (1993), RoboCop 3 (1993), Highlander II: The Quickening (1991), Jason Goes to Hell (1993), Universal Soldier: The Return (1999), Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot (1992), Steel (1997), Bio-Dome (1996), Striptease (1996), Species II (1998), Freddy’s Dead: The Final Nightmare (1991), The Island of Dr. Moreau (1996), I Still Know What You Did Last Summer (1998), Wild Wild West (1999), Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers (1995), Double Dragon (1994), Anaconda (1997), It’s Pat: The Movie (1994), Cool as Ice (1991), Lawnmower Man 2: Beyond Cyberspace (1995), Wing Commander (1999), Highlander: The Final Dimension (1994), On Deadly Ground (1994), Vampire in Brooklyn (1995), Dudley Do-Right (1999), Double Team (1997), Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III (1993), Ed (1996), The Flintstones (1994), The Haunting (1999), Leprechaun (1993), Bats (1999), Fair Game (1995), Cool World (1992), North (1994), Body of Evidence (1993), …
Best Options (Comedy): 86.8 Street Fighter (1994), 82.9 Inspector Gadget (1999), 79.3 Home Alone 3 (1997), 75.4 Look Who’s Talking Now (1993), 74.9 Junior (1994), 71.9 Mr. Magoo (1997), 67.0 Mr. Nanny (1993), 61.5 Cop & ½ (1993), 61.1 Beethoven’s 2nd (1993), 59.5 Jury Duty (1995), 57.9 Holy Man (1998), 57.6 Flubber (1997), 57.5 An American Werewolf in Paris (1997), 57.1 3 Ninjas Kick Back (1994), 56.2 Ringmaster (1998), 55.8 Son of the Pink Panther (1993), 55.8 The Stupids (1996), 54.3 Gone Fishin’ (1997), 54.1 Spy Hard (1996), 53.6 Made in America (1993), 53.4 Richie Rich (1994), 53.0 McHale’s Navy (1997), 52.5 Coneheads (1993), 52.3 The Pest (1997), 52.2 Major League: Back to the Minors (1998), 52.2 Superstar (1999), 51.3 My Favorite Martian (1999), 50.9 Jack Frost (1998), 50.4 3 Ninjas (1992), 50.0 Blank Check (1994), 49.8 Teaching Mrs. Tingle (1999), 49.7 Ready to Wear (1994), 49.5 My Girl 2 (1994), 49.4 Getting Even with Dad (1994), 49.3 A Kid in King Arthur’s Court (1995), 49.0 Simply Irresistible (1999), 48.0 Barney’s Great Adventure (1998), 47.6 Blankman (1994), 46.8 B*A*P*S (1997), 46.2 First Kid (1996), 45.9 House Party 3 (1994), 45.6 D3: The Mighty Ducks (1996), 45.4 Home Fries (1998), 45.2 Surf Ninjas (1993), 45.0 Man of the House (1995), 44.8 Top Dog (1995), 44.7 King Ralph (1991), 44.6 Beverly Hills Ninja (1997), 44.6 I Love Trouble (1994), 44.5 My Giant (1998), 44.3 Sidekicks (1992), 44.2 Big Bully (1996), 44.1 Operation Dumbo Drop (1995), 44.1 Bordello of Blood (1996), 43.9 101 Dalmatians (1996), 43.5 That Darn Cat (1997), 43.1 Excess Baggage (1997), 43.1 Beethoven (1992), 43.0 The Meteor Man (1993), 42.7 Celtic Pride (1996), …
(Alright, not the best comedy we could have done, but a solid 1996. Sure we could have done the Stupids, or Big Bully. But like … what if we didn’t want to watch a Tom Arnold film? Then what?)
Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 12) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Damon Wayans is No. 1 billed in Celtic Pride and No. 1 billed in Bulletproof, which also stars Adam Sandler (No. 2 billed) who is in Jack and Jill (No. 1 billed) which also stars Al Pacino (No. 2 billed) who is in 88 Minutes (No. 1 billed) which also stars Leelee Sobieski (No. 3 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 1 billed) => (1 + 1) + (2 + 1) + (2 + 1) + (3 + 1) = 12. There is no shorter path at the moment.
Notes – One of two films that writer/director Judd Apatow wrote the screenplay for in 1996. The other was The Cable Guy starring Jim Carrey and Matthew Broderick which he fought hard to get credit in a battle with the WGA after rewriting the majority of the script for both Carrey and director Ben Stiller. He still got a producer’s credit despite it.
Stay tuned after the film’s end credits for a shot of the old Boston Garden being imploded for demolition since both the Boston Celtics basketball team and the Boston Bruins NHL hockey team both moved to the Fleet Center, which was located not far from the old arena for the start of their respective 1995-96 seasons. The film was released towards the end of the regular season and beginning of the playoffs in both sports.
The first film that director Tom DeCerchio accepted after he was fired from Ace Ventura: When Nature Calls by Warner Bros. early in 1995.
The scenes that were shot in the Boston Garden were actually created by the film’s production designer Stephen Marsh that was about 90% close to what the old Boston Garden looked like at the time.
One of three movies with Damon Wayans release in 1996. The other two were The Great White Hype and Bulletproof.
It’s hard to explain The Mod Squad. That’s not just because the Wikipedia page admits that “this article needs an improved plot summary” (don’t mind if I do), but because there are only a few moments in time where this movie is made. You need a time when there was a recent TV-to-film success that then begets a spate of attempts to convert that era into $$$. Think about the success of 21 Jump Street that then begets CHiPs and Baywatch. It’s just like that but weirdly in this case it seems like it’s the success of the meta Brady Bunch movie that then produces The Mod Squad. While seemingly totally unrelated, both TV shows come from around the same era (as does The Avengers, Wild Wild West and Mission: Impossible). Unfortunately I don’t think they winked quite enough in this case.
To recap, Julie, Pete and Linc are The Mod Squad. Detective Mothersed is all like “What are you guys, some mod squad?” and he’s right, they are. They are handled by Captain Greer, who loves them even though he wants them to get a handle on their lives and figure out that crime doesn’t pay, but being dope police officers does. For now they are just like extra cool informants that are sent undercover. Their latest gig is a bar where maybe some prostitution or something is going down. Julie finds out that her ex-BF runs the place and they rekindle their relationship. Pete and Linc notice that something shady is going on and ultimately this culminates in them going to a drug sale under a bridge and finding Greer shot. It seems like he’s a dirty cop, but the squad just can’t believe it. Now it’s personal. Julie soon finds out that her BF is a total bad guy (duh) working for some big time drug dealer and Pete also finds that Mothersed and a bunch of other cops are totally in on it (double duh) and framed Greer. This culminates in them trying to take them all down, but getting caught up in the bust. It looks like it’s the end for the Mod Squad. Not so fast! Pete made a recording and totally nails them all. Heroes again! Hooray! THE END.
Aw man. I feel kind of bad for The Mod Squad. It’s lame in a way that makes you feel kind of bad for it (while also acknowledging that at the time I think the style was cool and hip). You see these young actors and they are charismatic and you want it to be OK, but they cannot save this script. And it makes them look bad saying the lines. There are a few good things here and there, but I just can’t believe this is the script they made. The entire twist is airmailed to the point that I started to second guess myself. Like “well that can’t actually be the twist because otherwise this would be the worst script in history” line of thinking. And then they did it. When two-time Academy Award nominee Richard Jenkins comes in and is like “I hate all of you. You suck.” and then 10 minutes later, after The Mod Squad’s handler is killed, he walks in all like “Yo, guys. I’m sooo sorry.” I was like WTF, he’s the bad guy. And I was right. It’s like a script for a bad TV show… wait… What thuuuuuuu.
Hot Take Clam Bake! I’m gonna say it. I don’t think Julie and Pete are going to last as a couple. What’s that? I never mentioned that in the middle of this film, after Claire Danes has been banging Josh Brolin for days, she turns around and realizes that rich-kid-turned-criminal-turned-annoying-mod-squader Giovanni Ribisi is actually totes her type and they start up a secret romance? This should be in the dictionary under “rebound relationship.” She’s a recovering addict who just got back into it with her bad boy ex-beau and got totally betrayed and here comes Ribisi being like “um, er, I actually kind of like you. Don’t you wanna date a nice guy for once, madam.” and she’s like “yeah, maybe that is what I want.” Spoiler alert for The Mod Squad 2: Even Modder, it’s not what she wants. Hot Take Temperature: Ribisi Snake Dance
Patrick?
Patrick
‘Ello everyone! Remember The Mod Squad? You know, that old tv show. Well neither did anyone else. Let’s go!
I’m going to be honest here … I barely remember this movie.
I do remember that Giovanni Ribisi is terrible in it. Like genuinely very bad at acting in it. And that makes it all the more insane that he’s the one that they give the low interest storyline to. Just makes no sense. There was something about films of this era where people seem specifically rather annoying?
And then the mystery is dumb as well. It all seemed rather obvious. Or … well I would except the plot summary on wikipedia is rather sparse and I genuinely am having a very hard time remembering this film. It was Josh Brolin right? Josh Brolin was the bad guy. See, obvious.
As long as I’m right. I’m like 95% sure I’m right.
Anything good about this film? Omar Epps was pretty charming, although the way he hunch-walks around was bizarre … I’m going to chalk that up to poor character choices or a homage to the original show or something. But he’s charming and the bit about his car getting all f-ed up was decent.
I’m going to say this film is so forgettable and boring that it can’t really be BMT, right? This ain’t no Avengers where it is so weird you end up being charmed by it. It is literally just quite dull and unamusing.
It is pretty rare but Setting as a Character (Where?) for Los Angeles here as the entire film appears in a sepia tone to indicate that it is the vague hot desert-y aura of Southern California. And obviously Worst Twist (How?) for the ultimate reveal that, obviously, Josh Brolin was the bad guy.
What else can we learn about mods? Find out in the Quiz. Cheerios,
Bad Movie Twins 