What is the name of that film about the South American rugby team which crashed in the Andes and had to resort to cannibalism? Society of the Snow? Naw, I’m thinking of Alive. Let’s go!
Pop Quiz Hot Shot!
1) In 1993-1994 there was a Congressional hearing on violence in video games which was lead by Joe Lieberman and Herb Kohl. The three films that were the focus of some ire in the hearing was the very weird FMV game Night Trap, Doom, and what other fighting game of note at the time?
2) Speaking of video games. The main character in this film is played by Jon Foster, who is the brother of Ben Foster. Ben Foster played an eeeeevil wizard in what video game adapted film which we watched Live! for BMT.
3) The film is produced by someone we are very familiar with at BMT HQ. He directed such classics as Terminator Salvation and the Charlie’s Angels series. Who is this mononomous director?
4) Frankie Muniz is obviously most famous as a race car driver (right?). He currently drived for the NASCAR Craftsman Truck Series. This is a “stock car” series. What are stock cars by definition?
5) If there is any video game series the fake one in this movie takes inspiration from it is Silent Hill. In that series there is a main villain (seen in the movies occasionally as well) which has a … hat? Helmet? Whatever, on. What is the name of this character based on this headwear?
Bonus NYTimes Listing Question: This movie premiered too late to get into the television listings. But an earlier video game film, Super Mario Bros., premiered at 8PM on Showtime on August 27, 1994. The lead-in to the film was:
Jamie and the rest of the jury wander around Dark Territory, a neighboring village in the same county as Hallston named after its twin founders Terri and Tory Dark. “So he murdered the sheriff right here in the town square?” Jamie asks. The county prosecutor nods. “He slashed him with a samurai sword, shirtless, so his distinctive and hideous chest scar was fully visible?” Correct again. “Visible to that school house 300 yards away filled with witnesses?” Yes, yes, yes. “Then he parkoured onto the roof of the bank and escaped into Hallston?” This is all a matter of public record. “Then he was picked up at a Hallston motel with a samurai sword wiped clean and claims to have no memory at all of where he was that whole day, thus having no alibi?” The country prosecutor is losing patience. “Sounds like a slam dunk,” Jamie finishes and the prosecutor sighs and walks away. This incredibly sad person is getting on his nerves. Jamie looks at the accused, who is sitting solemnly with Ms. LaRouche. He looks him up and down and snorts incredulously. He looks at the school and thinks about how confusing it must have seemed to those kids. Both horrifying and yet rad. He snorts again. He kneels down and tastes the dirt. He raises his nose and sniffs the air. This doesn’t taste or smell right at all. His drop dead gorgeous mind starts whirring a mile a minute. The pieces fall into place and he murmurs, “my god.” It’s his turn to write something on a pad of paper. But he’s not showing it to Ms. LaRouche. He’s showing it to that young man who stands accused of this murder most foul. The paper reads, ‘Stay alive.” Ms. LaRouche smiles slyly. That’s right! We are staying alive with Stay Alive. This killer video game horror film is peak 2000’s and has been on my watch list for ages. A classic, “Wait, that was in theaters?” film. Let’s go!
Stay Alive (2006) – BMeTric: 62.3; Notability: 29
StreetCreditReport.com –BMeTric: top 9.2%; Notability: top 34.4%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 6.9%; Higher BMeT: Date Movie, The Wicker Man, Ultraviolet, Pledge This!, Little Man, Basic Instinct 2, Material Girls, Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector, Zoom, The Shaggy Dog, Big Momma’s House 2, DOA: Dead or Alive, The Santa Clause 3: The Escape Clause, Black Christmas, Pulse, Crossover, The Marine, Phat Girlz, Scary Movie 4, Eragon, and 3 more; Higher Notability: Poseidon, The Da Vinci Code, Eragon, The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift, Scary Movie 4, The Wild, Click, The Pink Panther, Smokin’ Aces, Zoom, The Guardian, The Black Dahlia, School for Scoundrels, The Shaggy Dog, Just My Luck, All the King’s Men, Happily N’Ever After, Lady in the Water, The Santa Clause 3: The Escape Clause, Factory Girl, and 66 more; Lower RT: The Contract, Pledge This!, Crossover, Material Girls, The Covenant, Zoom, Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector, Big Momma’s House 2, Basic Instinct 2, Deck the Halls, Happily N’Ever After, Date Movie, Van Wilder: The Rise of Taj, When a Stranger Calls, Ultraviolet, See No Evil, Annapolis; Notes: We’ve seen 8 of those 20 higher BMeT films, but I’ve seen Santa Clause 3 and Scary Movie 4 on my own time. We’ll have to get back to those at some point. The 00s were nuts though, those are some terrible movies.
New York Times – Neil Genzlinger – The star of “Stay Alive” is a cutting-edge video game, but the film still has hackneyed horror at its heart. And worse, it’s not even the stylishly, wittily executed hackneyed horror of the “Scream” movies.
(That title is incredible. I wouldn’t have really thought “beta” would have worked as an insult in 2006, go figure.)
(my God it looks awful. Just, really, one of the worst trailers I’ve seen in a while. Sometimes we watch things where it is truly like how did this get made? Or more importantly, how did this get released to theaters as a real movie you had to play for.)
Directors – William Brent Bell – ( Known For: Orphan: First Kill; Wer; Lord of Misrule; Future BMT: The Boy; Brahms: The Boy II; Separation; BMT: The Devil Inside; Stay Alive; Notes: Mein got, The Devil Inside. Maybe the worst horror film I’ve ever seen, with the worst ending I’ve ever seen. Legend!)
Writers – William Brent Bell – ( Known For: Wer; BMT: The Devil Inside; Stay Alive; Notes: Not surprising he wasn’t allowed to write his own stuff eventually, those are his first three films! And obviously Wer is tiny. After that he did The Boy, and then that kind of wrote a ticket for a bunch of mediocre horror films.)
Matthew Peterman – ( Known For: Wer; BMT: The Devil Inside; Stay Alive; Notes: Maybe the writing partner of Bell? He has no other credits than those three, and never did any directing.)
Actors – Jon Foster – ( Known For: Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines; Thirteen Days; Life as a House; Rampart; Like Father; The Informers; The Door in the Floor; Tenderness; Mr. Jones; Brotherhood; The Mysteries of Pittsburgh; The Last Rites of Ransom Pride; Poor Boy; Future BMT: Pandorum; BMT: Stay Alive; Notes: He is Ben Foster’s brother, which makes sense. He seems semi-retired at this point. If I’m reading this thing right, his wife played young Steven Tyler in an Aerosmith music video? … Can that be right?)
Samaire Armstrong – ( Known For: It’s a Boy Girl Thing; Rise: Blood Hunter; The 2nd; Terror on the Prairie; Windsor Drive; A Winter Rose; Future BMT: Not Another Teen Movie; Just My Luck; BMT: Stay Alive; Notes: You know Samaire Armstrong! Oh you don’t? She was the losing leg of the season one love triangle in The O.C. involving Seth and Summer. She is also a kook, calling BLM a terrorist organization, voting for Trump, and doing God’s Not Dead movies.)
Frankie Muniz – ( Known For: Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story; Stuck on You; Dr. Dolittle 2; Big Fat Liar; My Dog Skip; Extreme Movie; It Had to Be You; The Black String; Pizza Man; My Sexiest Year; Future BMT: Agent Cody Banks; Racing Stripes; Agent Cody Banks 2: Destination London; Deuces Wild; BMT: Stay Alive; Lost & Found; Notes: Y’all know Frankie Muniz … you know, the racecar driver. His career was short and sweet, and now he’s coming back for a Malcolm in the Middle reunion.)
Budget/Gross – $20 million / Domestic: $23,086,480 (Worldwide: $27,298,695)
(That is terrible, but also I don’t understand why this would cost $20 million … is it possible that a dumb company would overspend on producing the crap video game cutscenes? Maybe.)
Rotten Tomatoes – 11% (6/57): A by-the-numbers teen horror flick, Stay Alive fails to exploit its premise for any real scares.
(Six good reviews is beyond anything I could have imagined for this. So are 57 genuine reviews. I am often stunned by the films that got giant releases back in the day.)
Reviewer Highlight: Teen fodder like this isn’t known for sophistication or storytelling depth, but the filmmakers seem to take the film’s video-game theme as permission to eschew even the horror genre’s exceedingly lenient minimums for characterization. – Nathan Rabin, AV Club
(I like the visual. I like the bold color. I like the font. But overall, this is also dumb as rocks. Still, there is a lot to like. B.)
Tagline(s) – You Die In The Game – You Die For Real (B)
Play It To Death (C-)
(I like the first one as a hook, even if it’s not all that clever. The second is blessedly short and I do know what they were going for. But that doesn’t mean I have to like it.)
Keyword(s) – top BMeT
Top 10: Fifty Shades of Grey (2015), The Twilight Saga: New Moon (2009), Green Lantern (2011), Batman & Robin (1997), Batman Forever (1995), The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1 (2011), Ghost Rider (2007), The Happening (2008), A Good Day to Die Hard (2013), The Mummy (2017)
Future BMT: 96.3 Disaster Movie (2008), 93.6 Date Movie (2006), 90.7 Vampires Suck (2010), 90.1 House of the Dead (2003), 89.0 BloodRayne (2005), 87.9 Winnie-the-Pooh: Blood and Honey (2023), 86.9 Street Fighter (1994), 86.6 The Adventures of Sharkboy and Lavagirl 3-D (2005), 84.1 Spy Kids 4: All the Time in the World (2011), 83.1 Inspector Gadget (1999), 81.5 You Got Served (2004), 80.0 Jonas Brothers: The 3D Concert Experience (2009), 80.0 Jeepers Creepers III (2017), 79.5 Daddy Day Camp (2007), 79.4 Home Alone 3 (1997), 79.3 Boogeyman (2005), 78.7 Shark Night (2011), 78.2 The Oogieloves in the Big Balloon Adventure (2012), 78.1 Who’s Your Caddy? (2007), 78.0 Jeepers Creepers: Reborn (2022)
BMT: Epic Movie (2007), Meet the Spartans (2008), Battlefield Earth (2000), Dragonball Evolution (2009), Catwoman (2004), Jack and Jill (2011), Batman & Robin (1997), Son of the Mask (2005), The Room (2003), The Emoji Movie (2017), Cats (2019), Gigli (2003), Scary Movie V (2013), Alone in the Dark (2005), Jaws: The Revenge (1987), The Last Airbender (2010), Mortal Kombat: Annihilation (1997), The Wicker Man (2006), Manos: The Hands of Fate (1966), Madame Web (2024), Superman IV: The Quest for Peace (1987), Fifty Shades of Grey (2015), Speed 2: Cruise Control (1997), Slender Man (2018), Dumb and Dumberer: When Harry Met Lloyd (2003), Jaws 3-D (1983), Troll 2 (1990), The Love Guru (2008), Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2 (2004), In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale (2007), The Cat in the Hat (2003), The Avengers (1998), Crossroads (2002), Halloween: Resurrection (2002), The Fog (2005), Fantastic Four (2015), Rollerball (2002), Baby Geniuses (1999), Spice World (1997), From Justin to Kelly (2003), Dungeons & Dragons (2000), Norbit (2007), …
Best Options (Horror): 90.7 Vampires Suck (2010), 90.1 House of the Dead (2003), 89.0 BloodRayne (2005), 87.9 Winnie-the-Pooh: Blood and Honey (2023), 80.0 Jeepers Creepers III (2017), 79.3 Boogeyman (2005), 78.7 Shark Night (2011), 78.0 Jeepers Creepers: Reborn (2022), 75.4 The Apparition (2012), 75.3 The Grudge (2019), 74.8 Paranormal Activity 4 (2012), 74.4 The Turning (2020), 73.9 The Last Exorcism Part II (2013), 73.2 The Unborn (2009), 71.6 Paranormal Activity: The Ghost Dimension (2015), 71.1 Texas Chainsaw (2013), 70.4 The Pyramid (2014), 69.4 Black Christmas (2006), 69.3 Pulse (2006), 68.8 Captivity (2007), 68.4 Meet the Blacks (2016), 67.7 Seed of Chucky (2004), 67.6 The Disappointments Room (2016), 66.9 The Darkness (2016), 66.4 The Woman in Black 2: Angel of Death (2014), 66.2 The Haunting of Molly Hartley (2008), 65.5 Brahms: The Boy II (2020), 64.9 The Final Destination (2009), 64.8 Blair Witch (2016), 64.5 The Exorcism (2024), 64.0 Valentine (2001), 63.9 Skinwalkers (2006), 63.4 My Soul to Take (2010), 63.1 The Hills Have Eyes 2 (2007), 62.6 Imaginary (2024), 62.3 Stay Alive (2006), 62.2 Darkness Falls (2003), 61.9 Pet Sematary II (1992), 61.8 The Grudge 2 (2006), 61.6 When a Stranger Calls (2006), 61.2 Paranormal Activity: The Marked Ones (2014), 60.7 The Mangler (1995), 60.4 Exorcist: The Beginning (2004), 60.2 Children of the Corn II: The Final Sacrifice (1992), 60.1 Spiral (2021), …
(This was chosen a while back. A crazy horror film with a killer video game. How haven’t we done this before?!)
Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 27) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Milo Ventimiglia is No. 8 billed in Stay Alive and No. 6 billed in Cursed, which also stars Jesse Eisenberg (No. 2 billed) who is in Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice (No. 3 billed) which also stars Ben Affleck (No. 1 billed) who is in Pearl Harbor (No. 1 billed) which also stars Josh Hartnett (No. 3 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 3 billed) => (8 + 6) + (2 + 3) + (1 + 1) + (3 + 3) = 27. If we were to watch Racing Stripes we can get the HoE Number down to 13.
Notes – Countess Elizabeth Bathory did actually exist. However, for the perspective of the film, her story takes place in New Orleans, whereas historically she was located in Hungary.
It was Disney’s only slasher film.
Video game reference: The old-fashioned camera that Abigail uses in the film is a reference to the popular “Fatal Frame” (known as “Rei Zero” in it’s native Japan, and as “Project Zero” in Europe) series of horror/survival games, upon which the “Stay Alive” concept is partially based.
Milo Ventimiglia had to wear contacts in order to see through his glasses.
Ben Foster was going to play the role of Hutch O’Neill, but gave the role to his brother Jon Foster instead because he thought it was better suited for him.
I often try to reflect on the imprint that the latest BMT films had on the younger me who experienced their release in real time. Jury Duty is a perfect example. Huge in my mind. Tiny tiny in the actual cultural impact. Seagal represents an inversion of sorts. I’ve found that many people have a real connection to watching Seagal films on cable growing up. Something like Under Siege 2: Dark Territory can loom larger in their minds than the original. Not so for me. I don’t know if it was good upbringing or our exquisite taste, but Seagal almost had no actual presence in my mind. I don’t think I had ever seen a Seagal film until BMT… not a starring vehicle at least. Despite now having seen quite a few, we still have a lot to catch up on.
To recap, Ryback is back, Jack! And he’s cutting it up once again. Still a chef (obviously), but he’s a bit sad. His brother died in an airplane crash and left his niece an orphan. It’s all up to him to take care of her, but he hasn’t seen her in a while. He also has to take a train from Denver to LA with her to attend the funeral because she’s now scared of air travel. I’m sure this will be an uneventful train ride for good ol’ Ryback, right? Wrong! That’s because some big bad terrorists are along for the ride ready to hijack an earthquake satellite and hold the world hostage! This is real. This is happening. Travis Dane is the disgraced creator of the satellite who is going to use his big brain to get it back and he’s going to use… dark territory to do it. What’s that? Thanks for asking, it is the area that this train will go through where it won’t be in contact with the operators and they can keep things secret. Anyway, Ryback’s niece is taken hostage and so he recruits a porter, Bobby, to help take down the terrorists one-by-one. And boy, do they. They are chopping them. They are shooting them. They are tricking them. The terrorists are shaking in their boots at the mere mention of Ryback’s name and Ryback is able to help the hostages escape. But with Dane’s haxxors skillz he’s also able to destroy all kinds of stuff and sets the satellite on the Pentagon. With his job done he attempts to escape, but Ryback catches him, destroys his laptop (allowing the government to destroy the satellite), and right before the train crashes is able to jump into a helicopter, leaving Dane to plummet to his death. THE END (or is it? (isn’t it?)).
Boy, this is a tricky one. On the one hand this is an objectively shit film with a terrible plot and a star that cannot act his way out of a paper bag. Seagal was deep into his extended Difficult Period and you can tell. There are literally scenes that make no sense and shouldn’t be in the film, but you get the sense that he insisted and the filmmakers were like “whatever.” His scenes with Heigl are… fraught. There is not a female body that they don’t dare to ogle. All that being said, this is straight-to-video brain candy unleashed on the big screen. It’s kind of the precursor to films like Moonfall and The Beekeeper where you have to admit that there is something to a film that is unabashedly pure entertainment. I’m not going to say it’s good and if I were a serious critic I would be like “no way, no how.” But I’m not. This was fun to watch.
Hot Take Clam Bake! I’m going serious on this one. There is a scene in this film where Morris Chestnut is recruited by Seagal to take on the terrorists and he reacts in disbelief. “But, you’re just a cook!” he exclaims. How does he know this? Well earlier in the film he and Chestnut are cutting it up in the bar area and Seagal tells the bartender not to give Chestnut all the brandy because he needs it to bake a cake. Smash cut to him making a cake in the microwave as Chestnut looks on. This scene is… well, extraneous is probably even being too kind. It’s insane that it’s in a major motion picture. My hot take is that Seagal only clocks the brandy to make it make sense that Chestnut is then watching him bake said cake, which in turn allows Chestnut to gain the knowledge of Seagal’s background. It is entirely constructed because someone, somewhere was like “Wait… how does he know he’s a cook?” It’s honestly beautiful. Hot Take Temperature: Microwave Cake.
Patrick?
Patrick
‘Ello everyone! *gif of me hanging off the side of a train and totally akidoing people to death* Let’s go!
The Good? I mean … there is kind of an argument here that this is a good Seagal movie. That isn’t saying much, but it is an incredibly wild film. As you watch it you want there to be hundreds of these types of films available. And yet, there isn’t. Out of every 100 VHS releases there is generously one Crackerjack in the bunch. Under Siege 2 is a bad wide release film (an absurdity even), but a VHS rental? An afternoon HBO film? Uh … cha, it does it for me.
The Bad? The film is absurd! The bad guy is absurder! He might be the most absurd actually. Is that a bad thing? Well, depends on your perspective. There is the Seagal of it all, and the harrowing experience of watching him interact with a young woman in the form of Katherine Heigel. But all of the bad can, in a way, be good.
The BMT? I mean, is it the best train film in the BMT canon? Maybe. It is a great train film. And of all the Seagal films when you actually think about it, it might be the third most entertaining. For a trilogy just smashing out Under Siege, Under Siege 2, and Executive Decision (and pretending like they filmed the actual tragic death of Stephen Seagal) is a decent option.
Oh snap, time to continue down the AI analysis journey. Last time I was looking at whether the order of the posters mattered when trying to pull out the ones that feature a clown. This is just about the same analysis, except I just ran 100 permutations, just to see if there was a pattern to when zero, one, or two posters are pulled out:
The green dots are both, the red none, and the black is Quick Change but not Child’s Play 2. The only real pattern is that Child’s Play has to be very near or after Quick Change to be ignored, which is interesting. In the end it does indicate the position mostly doesn’t matter, but you probably want to permute and run more than once to get accurate results. I would also say you should do more posters not less, I think it very much cuts down on the false positives … although maybe if you were looking for something common it would end up having more false negatives or something. I guess I’ll have to test that.
A Kinda Planchet (Who?) for Morris Chestnut who is kind of hapless throughout, but he is integrated into the hero crew™ pretty quickly. I’m going to go with a recently rare Product Placement (What?) for the sweet Panasonic Mash XBS boombox featured in the lone sex scene of the film. I do love the Setting as a Character (Where?) for the titular Dark Territory which appears to be in the Rocky Mountains just west of Denver, I think. Not really any MacGuffins or even twists amazingly. This is one of the most BMT films I’ve ever seen.
Oooooo what can we learn about satellites and dark territories? Find out in the Quiz. Cheerios,
What is the term for locations where you can get dazzling views of stars due to low levels of light pollution? Dark sky? I don’t think so, I thought it was dark territories. Let’s go!
Pop Quiz Hot Shot!
1) The director of Under Siege 2 is Geoff Murphy, who is from Wellington, New Zealand. Wellington is the third largest city in New Zealand. Name the two largest cities.
2) The movie was the first feature writing credit for Matt Reeves. He partially broke out as a director on what J.J. Abrams produced creature feature?
3) This is a definitive “Die Hard on a Blank” film. It is Die Hard on the Train. If I were to describe a late 90s comedy starring Brendan Fraser as Die Hard in a Radio Station, what movie would I be talking about?
4) I forgot but Steven Seagal wrote the song which appears at the end. The lyrics are very literal. It was co-written by Gregg Allman of the Allman Brothers, who (among 8 marriages) was married to what Academy Award winning pop icon?
5) The film starts in Denver, Colorado. Between 1858 and 1862 there was a gold rush at what mountain which was named after a man named Zebulon?
Bonus NYTimes Listing Question: Under Siege 2: Dark Territory debuted on HBO on July 20, 1996 in primetime. It went up against this movie on Showtime. What is it?
Turns out she was right and by “now” she meant at this current moment. In a little known bylaw from 1897, Hallston had made it possible to get on a jury simply by asking. When Jamie showed up at the courthouse, Ms. LaRouche gave the thumbs up and the county prosecutor begrudgingly agreed as well because Jamie seemed so sad (like really sad). Besides, the case was a slam dunk. That’s how Jamie found himself sequestered in a motel, Patrick miles away in a farmhouse writing his thrillers (and erotic thrillers under a pseudonym) in peace. “Do you know what this case is about?” Jamie asks his neighbor in the jury box, an elderly man with white hair, a mustache and wearing a plaid shirt. The man says nothing. Jamie turns to his other neighbor, an elderly man with white hair, a mustache and wearing a plaid shirt. Same result. He attempts to get Ms. LaRouche’s attention. “Psst,” he pssts loudly. She pretends not to hear him. He guesses he’ll have to actually pay attention to find out and begins to regret having joined jury duty. Probably be boring. “… and the prosecution will, of course, be seeking the death penalty,” the prosecutor suddenly says and Jamie stands up in shock. “Yes?” asks the judge, annoyed. “Uh,” Jamie says, flustered. He looks at Ms. LaRouche for help and sees she’s holding up a pad of paper with the words “murder scene.” “May I see the murder scene?” he asks timidly. The judge looks at Jamie to scold him and pound his gavel… hard, but then he sees how ridiculously sad Jamie looks. ‘What the hell,’ he thinks. The case is a slam dunk, right? “Alright, alright. Pack up this jury and we’ll head out to Dark Territory.” Ms. LaRouche smiles slyly. That’s right! Finally! Finally we are picking up one of the Steven Seagal films we have hanging. This is by far his biggest BMT. A sequel to a smash hit and one of the best subtitles of all time. Under Siege 2: Dark Territory. It’s beautiful. Let’s go!
Under Siege 2: Dark Territory (1995) – BMeTric: 45.2; Notability: 79
StreetCreditReport.com –BMeTric: top 7.6%; Notability: top 0.8%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 29.0%; Higher BMeT: Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers, Lawnmower Man 2: Beyond Cyberspace, Vampire in Brooklyn, Fair Game, Showgirls, Jury Duty, Theodore Rex, Congo, The Babysitter, Mighty Morphin Power Rangers, A Kid in King Arthur’s Court, Judge Dredd, The Scarlet Letter, Nine Months, Virtuosity, Johnny Mnemonic, Candyman: Farewell to the Flesh, Jade, Top Dog; Higher Notability: Congo, Judge Dredd; Lower RT: The Big Green, Jury Duty, National Lampoon’s Senior Trip, Theodore Rex, Top Dog, Delta of Venus, Born to Be Wild, A Pyromaniac’s Love Story, A Kid in King Arthur’s Court, The Hunted, Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers, It Takes Two, The Tie That Binds, Dracula: Dead and Loving It, Vampire in Brooklyn, Fair Game, The Scarlet Letter, Four Rooms, Man of the House, Three Wishes, and 51 more; Notes: Huge Notability. The others, Congo (played 59 times) and Judge Dredd (played 27 times), were both big on 90s television. This guy ran 32 times, which is pretty good. Premiered on HBO primetime on July 20th, 1996. That is almost exactly one year after release. Things were so simple those days…
RogerEbert.com – 3.0 stars – There is always the possibility of being surprised at the movies. … I was also amused by the film. It isn’t as good as the original “Under Siege,” but it moves quickly, has great stunts and special effects, and is a lot of fun. And I want one of those little Newtons. I need it for writing my memoirs and stuff.
(I love this version of Roger Ebert. He did have a way of being like … this is a fun action film right? Can’t we just all agree it is a fun action film though?)
(For the record the satellite does not have nuclear capabilities. I know you have to give a reference to the audience, but it would be nuclear-like capabilities. “The cook from Under Siege is back”. … “This time, the sky’s the limit” WAIT, you can’t think of a good train pun. C’mon! This time, he’s engineering justice. Something dumb. I don’t care. The sky’s the limit? What does that have to do with trains?)
Directors – Geoff Murphy – ( Known For: The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring; The Quiet Earth; Fortress 2: Re-Entry; Utu; Goodbye Pork Pie; Never Say Die; Spooked; Mauri; BMT: xXx: State of the Union; Under Siege 2: Dark Territory; Young Guns II; Freejack; Notes: Second unit director for Dante’s Peak. From New Zealand. Feels pretty sweet to complete this guy’s filmography … wait a tic, TMDb thinks he directed The Lord of the Rings? He was second unit director for the record.)
Writers – Richard Hatem – ( Known For: The Mothman Prophecies; BMT: Under Siege 2: Dark Territory; Notes: Those were his first two writing credits, and he basically did only television from that point forward.)
Matt Reeves – ( Known For: The Batman; War for the Planet of the Apes; Let Me In; The Yards; The Pallbearer; BMT: Under Siege 2: Dark Territory; Notes: Matt Reeves?! Genuinely like … how did Matt Reeves make it in Hollywood. All of his stuff is not super great until all of a sudden he writes Let Me In years after creating Felicity.)
J.F. Lawton – ( Known For: Pretty Woman; Under Siege; DOA: Dead or Alive; Cannibal Women in the Avocado Jungle of Death; Mistress; Pizza Man; Future BMT: Chain Reaction; Blankman; The Hunted; BMT: Under Siege 2: Dark Territory; Notes: DOA is a crazy, but you know what I’m most excited for? The Hunted starring Christopher Lambert.)
Actors – Steven Seagal – ( Known For: Machete; Under Siege; Executive Decision; Above the Law; The Onion Movie; The Patriot; Into the Sun; Ticker; Maximum Conviction; The Foreigner; The Keeper; Born to Raise Hell; Absolution; Sniper: Special Ops; Force of Execution; Beyond the Law; Code of Honor; The Perfect Weapon; End of a Gun; Contract to Kill; Future BMT: Out for Justice; Marked for Death; My Giant; BMT: Under Siege 2: Dark Territory; Exit Wounds; Hard to Kill; On Deadly Ground; The Glimmer Man; Fire Down Below; Half Past Dead; Notes: He seems like nightmare. I’ll say that every time. He seems like a genuinely bad person. Was a fun action hero of his time though.)
Eric Bogosian – ( Known For: Uncut Gems; Charlie’s Angels: Full Throttle; Reptile; Beavis and Butt-Head Do America; Dolores Claiborne; Deconstructing Harry; Igby Goes Down; Wonderland; Cadillac Records; The Stuff; Talk Radio; Ararat; Rebel in the Rye; Listen Up Philip; The Thief and the Cobbler; Heights; Safe Men; Office Killer; Born in Flames; Naked in New York; Future BMT: Blade: Trinity; Gossip; BMT: Under Siege 2: Dark Territory; Notes: Massachusetts guy. I was just looking up Blade: Trinity this week because it is a franchise with only one qualifying entry … quite an amusing potential cycle. I just don’t know if there is a romance option.)
Everett McGill – ( Known For: Licence to Kill; The Straight Story; Heartbreak Ridge; The People Under the Stairs; Silver Bullet; Quest for Fire; Brubaker; My Fellow Americans; Twin Peaks: The Missing Pieces; Yanks; Iguana; Union City; Jezebel’s Kiss; Field of Honor; Future BMT: Dune; BMT: Under Siege 2: Dark Territory; Notes: Twin Peaks is the main thing for this guy in my opinion … fine he did a few David Lynch things.)
Budget/Gross – $60 million / Domestic: $50,024,083 (Worldwide: $104,324,083)
(Hmmm, I mean, it does explain why it didn’t get a third film set on a plane I suppose. That is probably half of what you want.)
Rotten Tomatoes – 35% (11/31): Utterly forgettable and completely unnecessary, Under Siege 2 represents a steep comedown from its predecessor — and an unfortunate return to form for its star.
(Ha! Yeah, that sounds about right. I don’t think it is forgettable though. The train setting and the insanity of the villain is actually quite entertaining. It is just also unintentionally hilarious.)
NY Times Short Review: Dark and spectacularly dumb, with Travis vs. monstrous, grunning computer nerd. Feh.
(It’s not wrong that I think this is dope, right? Even if it’s basically a giant picture of notable terrible person Steven Seagal. Look at that little satellite blasting a train. It’s like a work of action art. A train themed font would have made this an A. But it’s still a solid B+.)
Tagline(s) – A top secret nuclear satellite. A team of international terrorists. A government held hostage. An undetectable moving headquarters. Only one hero stands in the way. (Zzzz)
(Sorry I fell asleep and couldn’t grade this. In fact I still haven’t read the whole thing and I think I’ll choose not to.)
Keyword(s) – top BMeT
Top 10: Fifty Shades of Grey (2015), The Twilight Saga: New Moon (2009), Green Lantern (2011), Batman & Robin (1997), Batman Forever (1995), The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1 (2011), Ghost Rider (2007), The Happening (2008), A Good Day to Die Hard (2013), The Mummy (2017)
Future BMT: 96.3 Disaster Movie (2008), 93.6 Date Movie (2006), 90.7 Vampires Suck (2010), 90.1 House of the Dead (2003), 89.0 BloodRayne (2005), 87.9 Winnie-the-Pooh: Blood and Honey (2023), 86.9 Street Fighter (1994), 86.6 The Adventures of Sharkboy and Lavagirl 3-D (2005), 84.1 Spy Kids 4: All the Time in the World (2011), 83.1 Inspector Gadget (1999), 81.5 You Got Served (2004), 80.0 Jonas Brothers: The 3D Concert Experience (2009), 80.0 Jeepers Creepers III (2017), 79.5 Daddy Day Camp (2007), 79.4 Home Alone 3 (1997), 79.3 Boogeyman (2005), 78.7 Shark Night (2011), 78.2 The Oogieloves in the Big Balloon Adventure (2012), 78.1 Who’s Your Caddy? (2007), 78.0 Jeepers Creepers: Reborn (2022)
BMT: Epic Movie (2007), Meet the Spartans (2008), Battlefield Earth (2000), Dragonball Evolution (2009), Catwoman (2004), Jack and Jill (2011), Batman & Robin (1997), Son of the Mask (2005), The Room (2003), The Emoji Movie (2017), Cats (2019), Gigli (2003), Scary Movie V (2013), Alone in the Dark (2005), Jaws: The Revenge (1987), The Last Airbender (2010), Mortal Kombat: Annihilation (1997), The Wicker Man (2006), Manos: The Hands of Fate (1966), Madame Web (2024), Superman IV: The Quest for Peace (1987), Fifty Shades of Grey (2015), Speed 2: Cruise Control (1997), Slender Man (2018), Dumb and Dumberer: When Harry Met Lloyd (2003), Jaws 3-D (1983), Troll 2 (1990), The Love Guru (2008), Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2 (2004), In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale (2007), The Cat in the Hat (2003), The Avengers (1998), Crossroads (2002), Halloween: Resurrection (2002), The Fog (2005), Fantastic Four (2015), Rollerball (2002), Baby Geniuses (1999), Spice World (1997), From Justin to Kelly (2003), Dungeons & Dragons (2000), Norbit (2007), …
Best Options (Action): 90.1 House of the Dead (2003), 89.0 BloodRayne (2005), 86.9 Street Fighter (1994), 86.6 The Adventures of Sharkboy and Lavagirl 3-D (2005), 84.1 Spy Kids 4: All the Time in the World (2011), 83.1 Inspector Gadget (1999), 79.4 Home Alone 3 (1997), 78.7 Shark Night (2011), 75.2 Superhero Movie (2008), 74.2 The Spirit (2008), 72.6 The Next Karate Kid (1994), 72.4 Dance Flick (2009), 72.3 Zoom (2006), 72.3 Singham Again (2024), 70.9 Snatched (2017), 69.8 Delta Farce (2007), 69.1 Crossover (2006), 68.2 The Crow: City of Angels (1996), 68.1 Smokey and the Bandit Part 3 (1983), 68.1 Cats & Dogs: The Revenge of Kitty Galore (2010), 67.8 Thunderbirds (2004), 67.4 Turbo: A Power Rangers Movie (1997), 67.3 Max Steel (2016), 67.3 Mr. Nanny (1993), 66.1 The Cold Light of Day (2012), 64.2 Agent Cody Banks 2: Destination London (2004), 64.0 Underdog (2007), 63.9 Skinwalkers (2006), 62.2 The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor (2008), 60.5 Biker Boyz (2003), 60.3 Code Name: The Cleaner (2007), 59.9 Agent Cody Banks (2003), 59.3 Suburban Commando (1991), 58.6 Resident Evil: Retribution (2012), 58.2 See No Evil (2006), 58.0 Legion (2010), 58.0 The Transporter Refueled (2015), 57.4 3 Ninjas Kick Back (1994), 57.2 Robin Hood (2018), 56.9 Land of the Lost (2009), 56.7 The Karate Kid Part III (1989), 54.4 The Counselor (2013), 54.2 Spy Hard (1996), 52.4 Mighty Morphin Power Rangers (1995), 52.3 Dylan Dog: Dead of Night (2010), 51.7 McHale’s Navy (1997), 51.7 Kull the Conqueror (1997), 50.9 The Core (2003), 50.8 Your Highness (2011), 50.8 Resident Evil: The Final Chapter (2016), 50.6 Megaforce (1982), 50.5 3 Ninjas (1992), 50.5 Cop Out (2010), 50.4 The Last Legion (2007)
(But wait a minute, this movie isn’t there?! Yeah, you see the actual cycle is “How haven’t se done this?!” but that like … isn’t a thing. So for now I just wanted to get a sense of how we were doing on the 50+ BMeTric films. This is probably the best we had, with something like The Karate Kid Part III or Biker Boyz being pretty decent alternatives.)
Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 15) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Steven Seagal is No. 1 billed in Under Siege 2: Dark Territory and No. 1 billed in Exit Wounds, which also stars Isaiah Washington (No. 3 billed) who is in Hollywood Homicide (No. 5 billed) which also stars Josh Hartnett (No. 2 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 3 billed) => (1 + 1) + (3 + 5) + (2 + 3) = 15. If we were to watch Out for Justice we can get the HoE Number down to 13.
Notes – Producer Jon Peters drew the ire of Steven Seagal after the action star returned from a vacation in Indonesia and discovered that Peters had hired Gary Busey to play the villain – Busey famously played one of the villains in the first film, who was dispatched via explosion. Matters got worse when it was discovered that Busey had a “pay-or-play” deal which meant he got his fee if he was in the film or not. Ultimately, Busey was paid his $750,000 dollar salary – which allegedly came out of Seagal’s pocket as a producer – but didn’t work a day on the picture.
Original screenplay title, before being converted into a sequel to “Under Siege”, was “In Dark Territory”.
During this production Steven Seagal started wearing a girdle to contain his blubbery stomach. This was apparently a temporary fix, as he intended to lose the excess weight eventually. This has not occurred.
The scene of the destroyed industrial facility in China recycles unused footage from On Deadly Ground (1994) (another Steven Seagal movie). In On Deadly Ground, it’s the burning Aegis Oil facility.
Filmmakers pioneered a new technique that enabled them to film all the interior train scenes (practically all the film) in the studio. Tennis balls glued on the studio walls were used as reference points to allow computers to insert footage of Colorado scenery, even when the camera moved around.
Have I told the story where I thought the quote “That’s nice, Peanut” came from this movie because the dog’s name is Peanut (even though that doesn’t make sense)? But turns out it came from an equally quality film Celtic Pride? Yes, only a million times? Great. Just wanted to make sure it was clear that those two films were prominent enough in my cultural upbringing that I could mix up a quote from one with the other because I remembered (for eternity, apparently) the name of the dog in a Pauly Shore vehicle. The only other thing I remembered vividly from this film was the conjugal visit scene where Shore dresses up like a woman in order to see the man on trial. They then have a series of homophobic mix-up’s which results in the implication that they make love… which as a child was totally bewildering.
To recap, Tommy is a loser. He doesn’t have a job and even when his family tries to help him out he can’t help himself. When his mom and her boyfriend take the trailer and head off to Vegas, Tommy is left homeless and remembers that he has an opportunity to earn some quick cash (and a place to stay) on jury duty. He heads to the courthouse where after some searching finds a death penalty case for a serial killer, Carl Wayne Bishop. After getting himself on the jury, they head off to a swanky hotel that isn’t so swanky as most of it is being renovated. To make matters worse, Tommy is sharing a room with his high school principal (ha!). To get around this he convinces the manager of the hotel, who is struggling to book rooms during the renovation, to put him up in the nice part of the hotel in exchange for free advertising. At this point he is fully enjoying himself (and fallen in love with a fellow juror, Monica) and so when they head to the jury room he gets himself elected foreman and proceeds to plant the seeds for a drawn out deliberation. But the more he argues the more he is convincing a number of people that something is off. Just as they are ready to find Bishop innocent, the jurors find out about his dope digs and a mistrial is declared. Later, as he’s collecting trash with his stepfather, Tommy realizes that the connection between all the victims in the trial was styrofoam and that the killer was a deranged environmentalist. He tries to call Monica, but she won’t talk to him, so he tracks down Frank, another Juror who was a deranged environmentalist… wait a second! That’s right, Tommy walks right into the real killer, who was on the jury the whole time. A climactic action scene commences which results in good vanquishing evil and Tommy finding his purpose in life: the law. THE END.
I certainly have a fond recollection of Jury Duty. My new recollection of the film is less kind. The opening scene is actually kind of funny. Everyone appears disgusted by Shore and he doesn’t totally understand why. So it starts out at least recognizing that not everyone would be game for the Pauly Shore experience. From there the logic in the film makes almost no sense. There is the primary twist: the murderer was serving on the jury the whole time after tricking another potential juror to let him take his place. But like… this requires the murderer to have planned to frame the dude on trial. Did he find an insane person who threatens everyone he works with and follow him around killing his coworkers. And then when it came time to frame him his tasered him and left him at a crime scene and the cops were like… cool with that? And then he got on the jury and… did nothing? All for the environment? It is incomprehensible if you allow yourself the luxury of trying to understand it. As it is, it just feels like a low-grade spoof film they turned into a Shore vehicle. Also the conjugal visit scene is even worse than I remember. It is one of the worst things ever put to film.
Hot Take Clam Bake! Do I even have to say it? Pauly Shore does not make it through law school no matter how much this jury duty experience may have inspired him. As a result, I hate to say it, but Monica and Tommy… they don’t make it or the long haul. Sad, but true. Finally, despite what they show at the end of the film, Peanut does not have a successful run on Jeopardy. This isn’t an Air Bud scenario. I’m willing to bet there is in fact a rule against a dog (who has no way of effectively communicating with humans) being a contestant. Hot Take Temperature: Milk Man Scene.
Patrick?
Patrick
‘Ello everyone! *gif of me laughing as my father-in-law watches this film with me and keeps on saying “ugh this is awful” over and over* Let’s go!
The Good? Hmmmm … nostalgia. This was like slipping into a warm bath and remembering all the good times watching Comedy Central on summer vacation between stints at the tennis courts. This might genuinely be the worst film I have a decent amount of affection for.
The Bad? Everything about it if I’m being honest with myself. Pauly Shore is quite an annoying character (across all of the “weasel” films). The acting is really bad. And the worst crime of all: the court case makes zero sense. The actual killer gets on the jury of his own crime (Juror #2 style) and then doesn’t really even try that hard to get the guy convicted, and then, craziest of all, he is only ultimately suspected because he was on the jury! If he hadn’t gone on the jury there would be no reason to suspect him! … Even while on the jury there was no reason to suspect him! It doesn’t make any sense at all. Fun stuff.
The BMT? Hmmmmmmm … maybe. Of all the Pauly Shore films I think Bio-Dome is the pinnacle with the right balance of kind of fun dumbness with some decent laughs and fun actors. This is probably the third of the major Weasel films (after Son-in-Law and Bio-Dome), but it is the only one that is pretty boring.
Well, now that I kind of know that the batch imaging can work consistently, I wanted to test if there would be trouble with longer sets of images or with the order of images. Obviously the answer is yes. I ran ten experiments where I did a position permutation for each of the ten and then ran ten queries on trying to find clowns in the set.
Well, cool, I suppose. It isn’t getting false positives as much with the larger set. I would mostly know because I got a bunch when I ran 10 posters (I do wonder if sometimes the model is giving back the most likely poster with a clown, so when the set is smaller you get a lot of random posters flagged). Experiment 10 does give me pause. In that case the permutation happened to put both clown posters in the back third. I sure do hope it isn’t just reading N images and giving up in those cases … Well, that is something more to test.
This actually genuinely might be the Worst Twist (How?) in the history of BMT with the illogical reveal that the Fast Food Killer is Stanley Tucci because he is some eco-terrorist who for whatever reason doesn’t want anyone to know that the murders are due to ecological reasons. It makes no sense. This movie is actually just Bad, it is very boring compared to the high lunacy of Bio-Dome and the actual genuine goodness of Son-in-law.
What could we learn about juries and jury duty? Find out in the quiz. Cheerios,
What’s the name of that famous courtroom drama where a juror tries to change hearts and minds about the guilt of a young man on trial? 12 Angry Men? Naw, I’m pretty sure I’m thinking of Jury Duty starring Pauly Shore. Let’s go!
Pop Quiz Hot Shot!
1) The film is quite explicitly based on the same source material as 12 Angry Men. The 1957 version was nominated for Best Picture, Best Director, and Best Screenplay. Who directed the film?
2) At least one more film question is warranted because Pauly Shore actually explicitly watches a bunch of them in order to prep himself on how to extend the trial. One of them, amusingly, is 12 Angry Men. But there are several others, including what 1959 classic starring Jimmy Stewart and directed by Otto Preminger?
3) As seen in this film, the U.S. jury system is based on the English model. Often in this system there is the concept of removing potential jurors without a specific reason, usually limited to a specific number for both defense and prosecution. What is this type of challenge called?
4) The film won a Golden Raspberry for worst actor. It was also nominated for the Most Painfully Unfunny Comedy, but lost to Ace Ventura: When Nature Calls at what competing award body which ended in 2006?
5) Well Peanut looooooved Jeopardy! So do I. We all know the main two hosts of modern Jeopardy! in Alex Trebek and Ken Jennings. But who was the original host from 1964 until is went off the air for five years in 1979?
Bonus NYTimes Listing Question: Jury Duty played primetime on Showtime on May 17, 1996, up against this BMT classic on TNT. What is it?
Matt Craven stands solemnly at the lectern. Head bowed. A hushed silence in the room. Suddenly he looks up and shouts, “Are you hunting for savings?” The crowd is blown back by his energy and showmanship. “Are you craving for deals like you’ve never seen?” he continues, pulling back a curtain revealing a poster-sized schematic of the library teetering precariously over the alleged chasm (or abyss). With flair, he tears off a portion of the schematic to reveal a brilliant future where the chasm (or abyss) has been filled with unwanted waste products and the library replaced with a mall-type building labelled Matt Craven’s Craving Hunting Palace. So Matt Craven was using his considerable influence to buy the land cheap, bulldoze the library and build a mini-mall. And they’d be willing to bet that Stranger & Stranger Construction would be doing the bulldozing and building. What a scheme! The room is rocking and before they know it the vote comes up and is nearly unanimous. Jamie looks across the room and sees that the only other ‘no’ vote was from a woman wearing a scowl on her face to go with her fetching pantsuit and briefcase. “Let’s get out of here,” Patrick says with disgust. “Just one second,” Jamie says and catches the woman before she leaves the auditorium. It becomes clear that she is not willing to give up the fight so easily. Jamie realizes he isn’t either. “Where can I meet you to talk more about this?” he asks and she smiles. “Well, we’re always looking for good people like you to serve on a jury,” she says as she hands him her card. It reads ‘Gertrude LaRouche, Attorney-at-Law.’ “Is that how that works?” Jamie asks, perplexed, and with a wink Ms. LaRouche smiles again. “It is now.” That’s right! We’re doing our civic duty and serving on a jury of its peers to judge Jury Duty, the Pauly Shore flick best known for being the film I thought the quote “That’s nice, Peanut” came from rather than the correct answer: Celtic Pride. My mind is just too beautiful. Let’s go!
Jury Duty (1995) – BMeTric: 59.8; Notability: 43
StreetCreditReport.com –BMeTric: top 2.0%; Notability: top 10.8%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 0.0%; Higher BMeT: Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers, Lawnmower Man 2: Beyond Cyberspace, Vampire in Brooklyn, Fair Game, Showgirls; Higher Notability: Congo, Judge Dredd, Under Siege 2: Dark Territory, Virtuosity, Money Train, Showgirls, Mighty Morphin Power Rangers, Stuart Saves His Family, Panther, Four Rooms, Things to Do in Denver When You’re Dead, Steal Big Steal Little, Tommy Boy, Assassins, Hackers, Jefferson in Paris, Canadian Bacon, Jade, Nine Months, Just Cause, and 7 more; Notes: Showgirls is a giant blindspot for us, but I’ve seen it multiple times and I also find it profoundly depressing, so there is that. This would have been the era where playing on television was a bit touch and go. Halloween 6 played only 3 times, Lawnmower Man 2 only 4 times, Vampire in Brooklyn was decent at 21, Fair Game was 28, Showgirls a shocking 25 times, and of course this played 64 times. Showgirls though … it played a lot on Showtime at 9PM which seems incredibly early. But I guess I’m a prude.
RogerEbert.com – 1.0 stars – The comedian Pauly Shore and I would find ourselves in agreement on one thing: The characters he plays are obnoxious. We part company, alas, on whether they are funny. I say they are not. … The screenplay, by Neil Tolkin, Barbara Williams and Samantha Adams, has some good lines, of which my favorite is, “Oh, to be young and on Death Row!” There are also many uses of anatomical terms, the usual toilet jokes, and ridicule of tabloid TV types who are, and I quote, “bottom-feeders who suckle on the juice of human tragedy.” I’m not sure the makers of this film should include themselves out.
(I’m not surprised Ebert hated it, and I appreciate that the review seems rather measured. Much more so than I would have imagined. Ah, to live in the day where it wasn’t all about dunking on people, even when those people are Pauly Shore in Jury Duty.)
(I love the front part of this trailer. Like the film looks incredibly stupid, but I love the headfake on the serious film in the beginning. Just, they like don’t make ‘em like they used to. Also two OJ jokes in the trailer! THE TRAILER!!)
Directors – John Fortenberry – ( Future BMT: A Night at the Roxbury; BMT: Jury Duty; Notes: Does a ton of television, including Arrested Development, Psych, etc. A little odd he did any films at all … he maybe got this based on The Ben Stiller Show?)
Writers – Barbara Williams – ( BMT: Jury Duty; Notes: For whatever reason White House Down didn’t show up here, but it does seem like she has a credit on that. Might not be on TMDb.)
Samantha Adams – ( BMT: Jury Duty; Notes: Now this person only has Jury Duty. As a matter of fact this is the only information at all on her profile.)
Neil Tolkin – ( Known For: The Emperor’s Club; Future BMT: Richie Rich; License to Drive; BMT: Jury Duty; Notes: License to Drive is quite old, but he seems to have still been working a bit. Did the Magnum P.I. reboot.)
Actors – Pauly Shore – ( Known For: Sandy Wexler; Pauly Shore Is Dead; How It Ends; Heckler; Guest House; Phantom of the Mall: Eric’s Revenge; My Big Fat Independent Movie; Lost Angels; Opposite Day; Adopted; Pauly Shore Stands Alone; The Junior Defenders; Future BMT: Encino Man; Son in Law; Class Act; The Wash; For Keeps?; 18 Again!; BMT: Bio-Dome; In the Army Now; Bucky Larson: Born to Be a Star; Jury Duty; Notes: Things like Class Act and The Wash are bizarre. He has an amazing career. Bio-Dome, Jury Duty, In the Army Now, Encino Man, Son in Law. Five leading films, and then he completely flamed out. Maybe because he was difficult? Maybe the only person ever considered difficult for just being incredibly annoying?)
Tia Carrere – ( Known For: True Lies; Lilo & Stitch; Wayne’s World; Wayne’s World 2; Showdown in Little Tokyo; You May Not Kiss the Bride; Zombie Nightmare; Easter Sunday; My Teacher’s Wife; Hollow Point; Showdown in Manila; Wild Cherry; Gutshot Straight; 20 Dates; The Legend of Hallowaiian; The Immortals; Hard Breakers; Top of the World; Scar City; Merlin: The Return; Future BMT: Harley Davidson and the Marlboro Man; Kull the Conqueror; BMT: Rising Sun; High School High; Jury Duty; Notes: Was a regular on General Hospital. She almost only does voice work now. She was, weirdly, the star of a syndicated show called Relic Hunter I’ve never heard of. Ran for 66 episodes. First-run syndication was nuts back in the day.)
Stanley Tucci – ( Known For: The Hunger Games; Captain America: The First Avenger; The Hunger Games: Catching Fire; The Hunger Games: Mockingjay – Part 1; Spotlight; The Terminal; The Devil Wears Prada; Easy A; The Hunger Games: Mockingjay – Part 2; Beauty and the Beast; Lucky Number Slevin; Road to Perdition; The King’s Man; Robots; Margin Call; Jack the Giant Slayer; Julie & Julia; Percy Jackson: Sea of Monsters; Conclave; The Pelican Brief; Future BMT: The Lovely Bones; The Core; Maid in Manhattan; Beethoven; America’s Sweethearts; The Fifth Estate; Swing Vote; Billy Bathgate; Space Chimps; Who’s That Girl; Undercover Blues; In Too Deep; The Gun in Betty Lou’s Handbag; BMT: Transformers: Age of Extinction; Transformers: The Last Knight; Burlesque; Jury Duty; Show Dogs; Notes: The Tucc! Did you see the image of him when he was a Levi model or something. Absolute gun show.)
Budget/Gross – $21 million / Domestic: $17,014,653 (Worldwide: $17,014,653)
(Not what you want. I wonder why it cost so much … do you think it could be the rights to 12 Angry Men? It is almost explicitly a remake. Probably it is just that Shore cost a chunk of change by then.)
(Wow, incredible. But not surprising. If you want a consensus: The only thing amusing about this film is that is released during the O.J. Simpson trial.)
NYTimes Short Review: Loafer disrupts murder trial. Painfully unfunny.
(Remember when that was a thing? No? Guess you weren’t watching Rosie O’Donnell like the cool kids. This is probably the best case scenario in what is a very unartistic style of poster. Wish the font was better, but it is getting the idea across. It’s funny because Pauly Shore is an idiot and now is involved in justice. B+)
Tagline(s) – For truth. For justice. For five bucks a day. (A+)
(Yes, please! This is great and fits perfectly into the rubric of what I look for. Unapologetic for the grade.)
Keyword(s) – top BMeT
Top 10: Fifty Shades of Grey (2015), The Twilight Saga: New Moon (2009), Green Lantern (2011), Batman & Robin (1997), Batman Forever (1995), The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1 (2011), Ghost Rider (2007), The Happening (2008), A Good Day to Die Hard (2013), The Mummy (2017)
Future BMT: 96.3 Disaster Movie (2008), 93.6 Date Movie (2006), 90.7 Vampires Suck (2010), 90.1 House of the Dead (2003), 89.0 BloodRayne (2005), 87.9 Winnie-the-Pooh: Blood and Honey (2023), 86.9 Street Fighter (1994), 86.6 The Adventures of Sharkboy and Lavagirl 3-D (2005), 84.1 Spy Kids 4: All the Time in the World (2011), 83.1 Inspector Gadget (1999), 81.5 You Got Served (2004), 80.0 Jonas Brothers: The 3D Concert Experience (2009), 80.0 Jeepers Creepers III (2017), 79.5 Daddy Day Camp (2007), 79.4 Home Alone 3 (1997), 79.3 Boogeyman (2005), 78.7 Shark Night (2011), 78.2 The Oogieloves in the Big Balloon Adventure (2012), 78.1 Who’s Your Caddy? (2007), 78.0 Jeepers Creepers: Reborn (2022)
BMT: Epic Movie (2007), Meet the Spartans (2008), Battlefield Earth (2000), Dragonball Evolution (2009), Catwoman (2004), Jack and Jill (2011), Batman & Robin (1997), Son of the Mask (2005), The Room (2003), The Emoji Movie (2017), Cats (2019), Gigli (2003), Scary Movie V (2013), Alone in the Dark (2005), Jaws: The Revenge (1987), The Last Airbender (2010), Mortal Kombat: Annihilation (1997), The Wicker Man (2006), Manos: The Hands of Fate (1966), Madame Web (2024), Superman IV: The Quest for Peace (1987), Fifty Shades of Grey (2015), Speed 2: Cruise Control (1997), Slender Man (2018), Dumb and Dumberer: When Harry Met Lloyd (2003), Jaws 3-D (1983), Troll 2 (1990), The Love Guru (2008), Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2 (2004), In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale (2007), The Cat in the Hat (2003), The Avengers (1998), Crossroads (2002), Halloween: Resurrection (2002), The Fog (2005), Fantastic Four (2015), Rollerball (2002), Baby Geniuses (1999), Spice World (1997), From Justin to Kelly (2003), Dungeons & Dragons (2000), Norbit (2007),…
Best Options (Comedy): 96.3 Disaster Movie (2008), 93.6 Date Movie (2006), 90.7 Vampires Suck (2010), 86.9 Street Fighter (1994), 86.6 The Adventures of Sharkboy and Lavagirl 3-D (2005), 84.1 Spy Kids 4: All the Time in the World (2011), 83.1 Inspector Gadget (1999), 79.5 Daddy Day Camp (2007), 79.4 Home Alone 3 (1997), 78.1 Who’s Your Caddy? (2007), 77.9 Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked (2011), 77.9 Nutty Professor II: The Klumps (2000), 76.0 Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakquel (2009), 75.5 Look Who’s Talking Now (1993), 75.2 Superhero Movie (2008), 74.9 Junior (1994), 72.7 Look Who’s Talking Too (1990), 72.6 Teen Wolf Too (1987), 72.4 Bewitched (2005), 72.4 Dance Flick (2009), 72.3 Legally Blonde 2: Red, White & Blonde (2003), 72.3 Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector (2006), 72.3 Zoom (2006), 72.1 Mr. Magoo (1997), 70.9 Snatched (2017), 70.8 The Shaggy Dog (2006), 69.8 Delta Farce (2007), 69.8 College Road Trip (2008), 69.5 Gulliver’s Travels (2010), 69.5 Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen (2004), 69.5 The Santa Clause 3: The Escape Clause (2006), 69.3 Soul Plane (2004), 69.2 Norm of the North (2016), 68.8 Yogi Bear (2010), 68.4 Meet the Blacks (2016), 68.1 Smokey and the Bandit Part 3 (1983), 68.1 Cats & Dogs: The Revenge of Kitty Galore (2010), 67.8 Thunderbirds (2004), 67.7 Seed of Chucky (2004), 67.6 Phat Girlz (2006), 67.3 Mr. Nanny (1993), 66.7 In the Mix (2005), 66.2 102 Dalmatians (2000), 65.3 An American Carol (2008), 65.1 Scary Movie 4 (2006), 64.9 The Comebacks (2007), 64.9 Sex Tape (2014), 64.7 Tooth Fairy (2010), 64.7 Fat Albert (2004), 64.6 Boat Trip (2002), 64.4 Van Wilder: The Rise of Taj (2006), 64.2 Agent Cody Banks 2: Destination London (2004), 64.2 Diary of a Wimpy Kid: The Long Haul (2017), 64.0 Underdog (2007), 63.8 The Dukes of Hazzard (2005), 63.7 Hot Tub Time Machine 2 (2015), 62.9 The Honeymooners (2005), 62.7 Space Chimps (2008), 61.8 Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Road Chip (2015), 61.7 Like a Boss (2020), 61.7 Cop & ½ (1993), 61.3 Madea Goes to Jail (2009), 61.2 Beethoven’s 2nd (1993), 61.0 Meet Dave (2008), 60.8 College (2008), 60.7 Happily N’Ever After (2006), 60.5 Hoodwinked Too! Hood vs. Evil (2011), 60.3 Witless Protection (2008), 60.3 Code Name: The Cleaner (2007), 59.9 Agent Cody Banks (2003), 59.8 First Sunday (2008), 59.7 Jury Duty (1995), …
(Junior was probably the other one were could have gone with here, but it is crazy that we haven’t watched the Pauly Shore films basically straight out.)
Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 18) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Charles Napier is No. 6 billed in Jury Duty and No. 3 billed in Rambo: First Blood Part II, which also stars Sylvester Stallone (No. 1 billed) who is in The Expendables 3 (No. 1 billed) which also stars Jason Statham (No. 2 billed) who is in In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale (No. 1 billed) which also stars Leelee Sobieski (No. 3 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 1 billed) => (6 + 3) + (1 + 1) + (2 + 1) + (3 + 1) = 18. If we were to watch Encino Man, and Extraordinary Measures we can get the HoE Number down to 13.
Notes – Stanley Tucci hated the movie and was so frustrated during filming that he started writing his own screenplay just to give himself a good part. That screenplay later became Big Night (1996), his acclaimed directorial debut film.
The character Tom[my] Collins is named after the mixed drink of the same name.
Shelley Winters’ last US Studio film.
Failed to recoup its budget ($21 million + marketing costs) and brought in only $17 million in ticket sales, making it a box office bomb.
The first Pauly Shore comedy to not star Brendan Fraser in any capacity.
Awards – Winner for the Razzie Award for Worst Actor (Pauly Shore)
It was Morbin’ Time with Morbius. We dined out at Madame Web’s. If you thought for one second we weren’t going to go cuckoo for some Kraven bits just because it was out in theaters for the end of year cycle then oh ho ho! You must not have been paying attention to the dining experience at Madame Web’s. Now… this had a lot to live up to. Last we saw of this “franchise” (Franchise Man Note: This is obviously the Spider-man Villain franchise, so Jamie is correct here, however it also unfortunately includes the much more successful Venom films… which kind of spoils the fun of these one-off disasters… that’s just a Franchise Fact) Madame Web was donning the dopest sunglasses in the universe so… may as well pack it in and not even try, right? Pretty much.
To recap, Kaven is a hunter. He totally hunts people. Bad people, I guess. We see him hunt a dude and it’s cool and then we flash back to when he was a kid and that is decidedly less cool. Kraven’s dad is also a hunter. He also kind of sucks and everyone hates him. When his mother dies, he and his half-brother Dmitri are taken back to live with their father and become total baddies. On a hunting trip where there is a legendary lion that their dad is just jonesing to kill, Kraven is attacked by the lion and nearly killed. A young girl, Calypso, heals him with a magical serum which turns him into… Kraven the Hunter. Afterwards, his father is like “I totally killed that lion,” and that makes Kraven sad and he leaves Dmitri behind to go live in the wilderness. Flash forward and he’s still living in the wilderness. He’s a protector of nature and only ventures to London to see Dmitri and his father on occasion. During Dmitri’s latest birthday, Dmitri is kidnapped when people come to try to capture Kraven. Their father refuses to pay the ransom sent by the Rhino, the man behind the kidnapping who wants to overthrow the family’s criminal enterprise. It’s time to hunt. He’s tricked into heading to a secret hideout where the Rhino ambushes him, but Kraven escapes. The Rhino then sets the Foreigner on Kraven and hunts him to his sanctuary. During this whole thing Calypso is again helping Kraven… as a lawyer… like just a regular person now pretty much. Ultimately tracking down the ultimate hunter backfires as all the baddies are hunted and killed. He then kills his dad because he was in on it and is dismayed to find Dimitri is now a villain. Nooooooooo. THE END. (Or is it (you bet it is)).
There was a moment about 30 minutes into the longest intro that any film has ever had ever where I thought perhaps they had stumbled into another disasterpiece. I didn’t understand why they were doing this to us… and that felt right. However, after that it all just kind of fell apart. Definitely more Morbius than Madame Web. A couple cool set pieces and a bad guy that is at least serviceable can’t really save a rough script that at times completely lacked logic and an ending that was gobbledegook (see, once again: Morbius). It does feel like these films lacked a coherence that is startling. These are supposed to be the supervillains that populate the Sinister Six and yet… they are pretty much good guys? Why? It would have been a lot more refreshing if Kraven at least played the part. Make him a super hunter who is not afraid to go after the more dangerous game: poachers. He’s recruited to kill a supervillain and agrees because he’s intrigued, not because he thinks it’s right. Not that simple, I guess. Instead this was easily the blandest of the films and definitely felt like the end of the line.
Hot Take Clam Bake! I don’t think that Calypso serum did anything. This was all a Dumbo’s feather scenario and Kraven was Kraven the Hunter the whole time. He just had to believe in himself. His dad was making him feel like he wasn’t the Hunter, but just a hunter, and what you feel is what you are (you know?). But when he felt that serum touch his lips and this future lawyer said it was magic he totally was like “Yeah, yeah I do feel a little magic, now that you mention it.” All in all, what I’m trying to say is that he was never Kraven the Hunter anyway. He was just Kraven the Man. Thank you. Hot Take Temperature: Rhino.
Patrick?
Patrick
‘Ello everyone! *Gif of me in a totally rad fur vest just loungin’ on a throne like “what? You don’t know all about Patrick The Hunter?”* Let’s go!
The Good? Some of the performances are fun. I do like the character / villain of The Foreigner, that is a pretty weird performance, but at least interesting in the grand non-Spiderman film villains. I think that’s it.
The Bad? The film is very scattershot, often looks like crap, and doesn’t have a particularly good motivation for existing. We are asked, essentially, to care about late-stage Russell Crowe being a bad dad drug dad and keeping his drug empire from someone who quite literally transforms into a Rhinoceros? It is just something I don’t really care about. The DeBois character also feels completely superfluous, she doesn’t even really get a costume. The whole thing seems like them trying to put in the absolute bare minimum amount of work just to finish off this Sony contract once and for all.
The BMT? I think so. Madame Web is glorious. This isn’t quite that, but I still think there are bits there where you are like “oh like he’s literally a rhinoceros huh?” that does just enough for me to keep me going. It is really borderline, but I have a tough time thinking it is merely a bad movie. There is some there there, you know it when you see it.
The final one of the year (phew). So Last week I submitted the top 150 posters from 1990 in an attempt to find posters with clowns. This time? I’m doing the same thing, but splitting it up into groups of 10. My hypothesis would have been that this would result in more false positives since the model won’t lose context / get overwhelmed by stronger clownish posters.
And indeed that is basically what happened. Index (1,8) is Child’s Play 2 and (7,1) is Quick Change. But then it also thinks Drop Dead Fred (10,8) has a clown (it doesn’t, although Fred does appear quite clownish), and Child’s Play 3 (15,7) which I assume is just because Chucky looks crazy in that one. The other false positives are just busy posters as usual. I don’t know, it feels like it did pretty well with 100+ posters, but at the same time am I confident it isn’t missing false negatives? I’m not sure. Do I care? … I’m not sure about that either. Stay tuned in the new year.
Setting as a Character (Where?) for far eastern Russia, which is definitely a place I don’t remember seeing many films set before. Obviously, all of these things need a MacGuffin (Why?), in this case it is all about Nikolai Kravinoff’s drug empire (obviously). And a great Worst Twist (How?) for the ultimate reveal that Kraven’s brother has been transformed into Chameleon, which is a villain we’ll never ever see again I assume. This film isn’t as good as Madame Web, but I still think there is enough there to be BMT worthy in the end.
Read all about hunting I guess in the Quiz. Cheerios,
What’s the name of the famous television show starring Raven-Symoné? That’s so Raven? I don’t think so. I think it is called That’s so Kraven. Agree to disagree. Let’s go!
Pop Quiz Hot Shot!
1) This is the sixth and last of the Sony Spider-Man Universe films. Name the other five.
2) Apparently Kraven gained his power while on a hunting trip in Ghana. Ghana is also home to the largest man-made lake in the world. What is the name of that lake?
3) A song on the soundtrack was Sign of the Times performed by Harry Styles. That didn’t realy number one in the US. He’s had two number one singles though, As it Was, and what other song?
4) Kraven is a rarity: he is the only original Sinister Six villain to have his own film. The other characters in the original Sinister Six are Doc Ock, the Vulture, Sandman, Electro, and what villain played by Jake Gyllenhall in the Sony/Marvel Spider-Man films?
5) In the end we learn that Kraven’s brother has become the supervillain Chameleon. In the comics Chameleon’s most humiliating defeat was by May Parker who defeated him with Zolpidem, the generic name for what brand name medication?
Bonus NYTimes Listing Question: We talking about Benji the Hunted? Regardless, that film played primetime on March 7, 1991 up against:
Bad Movie Twins 