Brief note before we start: This year we got together our sixth (!) class to be inducted into the Smaddies Baddies BMT Hall of Fame. As is typical there will be films we watched five years ago which maybe deserve to be considered the merde de la merde of BMT delight. The previews and speeches will be released leading up to the ninth (eleventh?) Smaddies Baddies for the five films ultimately chosen. Some might say the purpose of watching all genres and sizes of movie is to find another Here On Earth, the perfect BMT film. This film is kind of like Here on Earth, except instead of laying our eyes on Chris Klein’s glistening abs, we get to see a whole lot more of Burce Willis’ glistening bod… a whole lot more… like… all of it. Enjoy!
Hall of Fame Induction Speech for Color of Night
I wouldn’t blame you for thinking that Color of Night was inducted for one reason and one reason only. Bruce Willis has made over a hundred films but his dick has appeared in only one, and that’s Color of Night. Oh and you better believe it would have been worthy for that fact alone. But alas the film is far more than just that. It’s one of the worst “twists” of all time, mountain biking scenes even hotter than the sex scenes, and a crazy 80’s art styling that makes you wonder if everyone was in on the joke or just in on a giant pile of cocaine. It is one of the craziest, misguided masterpieces of BMT cinema. Nothing makes sense. Nothing looks normal. Nothing will be the same once you see Bruce Willis’ dick.
So what did I remember from the first time I saw this:
Bruce Willis’ dick. Although I remember straining to catch a glimpse the first time and wondering if its fleeting appearance was more figment of imagination.
The make-up job on our main gal (when she is dressed as a man) is so horrendous that it really stretches the definition of “twist” when it’s revealed.
Two dudes go mountain biking together and it’s almost as sexually charged as any of the actual sex scenes.
A snake jumps out of a mailbox… and no that isn’t a metaphor.
The twist is the most important thing I remember about the film. While pretty much everyone will point to Bruce Willis’ dick as the star of the film, it’s not the primary reason this is BMT HoF. Like William Shatner playing two characters in White Comanche, sure it’s memorable, but really just a one trick pony in the end. But the twist? That’s forever.
So how did the rewatch go? Amazing. I was dazzled by this film. First and foremost I think I underappreciated its profound weirdness the first time around (and I already thought it was very weird). Let me walk you through the plot of the film: a disturbed lady is seeing Bruce Willis for therapy and when he gets a little annoyed at her she runs directly through his office window to the street below and he immediately goes color blind. Then he moves in with his weird, gross therapy friend in his weird, gross therapy house full of glass and mirrors and books of nude women and immediately gets involved with his special group therapy session filled with various psychobabble stereotypes. So when I now read how the director laments the loss of his vision to the producer’s editing hack job I chuckle. There was no rescuing this craziness. The instant you chose that weirdo house to film in you knew you were making this movie.
And also the instant you put Jane March in some of the worst make-up imaginable to make it seem like she is Richie, you had to know that you were fooling no one. This is easily the most confusing aspect of the film. Jane March performs admirably, despite the absurdity of the situation, and yet I couldn’t shake the idea that ultimately if I were to say “what a horrible twist” the filmmaker would try to claim that indeed it wasn’t a twist at all. That the audiences were always meant to know that Richie was Rose and that the real twist was that she wasn’t the murderer, but rather the psycho brother who forced her to become Richie. And you could almost believe it too. Could it be that Bruce Willis’ color blindness, a blindness that only affects his ability to see red, also didn’t allow him to see Richie as Rose (a red flower, of course)? Could the rest of the patients also be so far into their own self-deception that they didn’t let themselves know? But the audience, ah, the audience, we knew the whole time and were lulled into the false sense of power over the movie, only to have it yanked away when Rose is revealed to not be the murderer at all. Right? Right?! Nope. Just a gloriously bad twist with gloriously bad makeup. I refuse to accept the alternative because it’s bullshit.
Finally, to address the dick in the room. Bruce Willis’? More prominent than I remember. We get a solid gander at his goose. Mountain biking? Just as sexy as I remember. Bruce Willis’ stunt double got to do some neat tricks. Sex scenes? Very steamy. Almost uncomfortably so. The film? Bad and specifically not underrated as some people have tried to claim. The best you can say is that there is something different here and different can be good because it’s not the same. But different doesn’t mean good. It can still be bad. This is bad and very BMT. Welcome to the Hall of Fame, Color of Night.
Lore, baby! Lore. This is what happens when a film becomes pure lore and it is a BMTutiful sight to behold. Let me riff on this for a second. And by a second I mean for far longer than that. You have to dive deep to understand the level of lore we are dealing with here. It’s not just an origin story for Michael Myers. Not just a simple “Freddy Kruger was the progeny of a hundred criminally insane maniacs.” No, this film takes all of the previous five films and like a crazed conspiracy theorist weaves them all together. Magnifique.
To start, the fifth film ended on an insane cliffhanger where Jamie and Michael are taken from prison by the Man in Black. The Man in Black was a wholly unexplained character in the film, so it was left to whoever made the sixth film to define him. Indeed, the screenwriters of The Curse of Michael Myers jumped right in and proclaimed that this mysterious character from film five was connected to the mysterious symbol on Michael’s wrist from film four. They are the Cult of Thorn and they are here to use Michael for their own nefarious deeds.
But who are they and what do they want? For that we actually are best served by going back to Halloween 3 (that’s right, the film that has nothing to do with Michael Myers… or does it?). That’s because when they veered away from Michael the focus of the series briefly shifted from the singular killer to the very idea of Halloween. They went back to the original idea of the holiday (aka Samhain) and its connection to sacrifices. Much like in the third film the primary antagonist isn’t Michael Myers anymore, but really a puppetmaster of sorts who is using the powers of sacrifice to gain strength. This is basically the entire plot here: Michael Myers was cursed by this cult and every so often on Halloween (when the thorn symbol appears in the stars) awakens and goes on a killing spree to murder everyone in his family (and beyond?). This benefits the cult in some vague way. So when Jamie escapes from the cult with her baby (Michael Myers’ final sacrifice) they are left with no other choice but to set him loose on Haddonfield again to finish the job.
This is also how the second film most strongly connects to the sixth. Not really through Samhain (which is mentioned briefly in that film as being connected to Michael), but rather through the killing of his family. It’s impossible to forget that the second film is where they made the terrible mistake of retroactively making Laurie Strode the sister of Michael. The later films are worse than the second, but I think that’s still the worst thing they ever did. Anyway, this gives a rock solid (and totally unnecessary) explanation for why Michael would want to kill his family. As if a maniac needs such an explanation!
Finally that brings us to the first film (and my favorite of the lore building). So Michael is loose on Haddonfield and thus, like the yin to his yang, the even more insane Dr. Loomis’ reign of terror begins anew. He teams up with his old colleague Dr. Wynn and Tommy Doyle (both not seen since that first film) to track down Jamie’s baby and keep him safe from Michael. This is all before Dr. Wynn is revealed to be the Man in Black himself! And you know what this clears up? In the first film there is some mystery around how Michael Myers knew how to drive like a pro after spending his entire life in a hospital and Loomis explains that he seemed to be driving just fine when he saw him so maybe “someone taught him.” You bet someone did. Dr. Wynn, Cult of Thorn maestro himself. It should be noted that in the novelization of the first book it is claimed he learned by watching Loomis. Bah! Trust in the Lore is my motto. You best believe Dr. Wynn spent many Saturdays giving driving lessons to Michael.
Behold my masterpiece on the pure lore that is the sixth film. So I must have loved it, right? Hell no. This is by far the worst of the films. I actually forgot what a catastrophe it was. It is horrible. Straight dog poo. The hilarity of the lore is its only redeeming quality. It was so bad that they had to basically smash cut and ADR their way to a reshot ending in the insane asylum that actually ended up as the best part of the film. A nonsensical reshoot was somehow better than the rest of the garbage they put to screen.
As for New Year’s Evil? Well, for horror completionists I think this is a must. It’s such a weird film and I think indicative of just how lost some people got in trying to replicate the success of other slasher films. But it is quite fun for a few reasons: some really weird motivations for the characters, excessive use of the “punk” stereotypes of the 80’s, and a real dumbo killer. To elaborate a little on the last point: unlike many horror films that try to hide their killer, we spend about half the film riding around with the murderer as he does his murdering and he… is… terrible at it. Throw away the notion of an unstoppable force of evil. This is a very stoppable man who bumbles his way to his own death. Suicide by being real bad at stuff. Patrick?
Patrick
‘Ello everyone! Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers? More like More Halloween? Curse you Michael Myers! Amirite? Only if you imagine me shaking my fist ruefully at Michael Myers. Let’s go!
My god, look what they’ve done to my boy! Halloween, you’ve never looked so bad. Top to bottom, front to back, side to side gobbledegook. Just nonsensical garbage. Dare I say it? I ran up to this film, a lover of horror mega-franchises and slashers in general and they slowly pushed dog poo right into my face.
You know I love to say it: this film is a slap in the face to fans of the franchise.
When I go back to school to get my PhD in BMT-ology (at BMT University) my dissertation will be entitled: How to Ruin Horror Franchises, Lore in its Many Forms. The crowning jewel of the thesis will be about this film.
The Cult of Thorn. Don’t you see? The mark of Thorn condemned a child to kill their family in a blood sacrifice according to Celtic legend. But then why does Michael only escape on occasion? Well, because a constellation in the shape of Thorn only appears every so often. … nailed it? What absolute drivel, answering questions no one is asking.
Weirdly, if they had just landed on that lore earlier in the series it could have worked. Michael is dead? Who cares? The whole issue was the insistence that The Shape NEEDED to be Michael Myers! So now he becomes an invincible unstoppable force and the whole thing is a retcon. Lore. Ruins. Everything.
I’m now very intrigued to see just how bad Halloween: Resurrection is. Because this movie is garbage. It might actually be the worst of all of the mega-franchise horror I’ve seen. Zero interesting kills. Terrible acting (yes even Paul Rudd). Perplexing decision making. Poor direction.
Obviously you always need to give a Setting as a Character (Where?) for Haddonfield when it comes to Halloween. And an A+ Holiday Film (When?) for Halloween. And I’m going to throw out the Worst Twist (How?) for the reveal that the other doctor from the first film was the head of the Cult of Thorn and Man in Black the whole time. Definitely a BMT I think, just for how terrible it is.
Oh, and our friend! New Years Evil is an early slasher (1980) and actually quite interesting. An interesting killer obsessed with time. A very old school 70s feel. But … horrible acting and it feels like a television film. It is interesting to see how people were still creating that early slasher feel into the 80s when the big franchises were just starting to exploit the genre. And I’m shocked they have never tried to remake it or create a modern sequel. There is a nugget of a cool idea there for sure.
Time to dive into my reworking of the series. After the third film they should have stuck with Michael being dead. But then The Shape should appear again. And the big reveal there would have been something like Tommy Doyle was the new Shape. Loomis though begins to get confused. Tommy? He wasn’t a psycho, just in such shock from the events of the first film that he had gone to the same asylum as Michael had been at! The middle trilogy then is the unraveling of the Cult of Thorn, where it is revealed that Michael was the first test subject. A young sociopath that a cult-obsessed doctor had cursed with Thorn 10 years prior. And the three movie set then finishes with the destruction of Thorn … but can you contain such a powerful and ancient evil? Probably not. Would have set it apart from the other major horror franchises at least.
Oh man, so I went to Haddonfield (again) on Halloween (again) and I got bopped on the head (again) by Michael Myers (again). Well, now I can’t remember anything (again). Do you remember what happened in Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers?
Pop Quiz Hot Shot!
1) The film opens in a spoooooooky cult … factory? Anyways, Jamie escapes from there with her child. Who helps her escape?
2) While being chased by Michael where does Jamie hide her newly born child (who eventually Tommy Doyle finds the next day)? How does Tommy know this?
3) What does Tommy name the baby?
4) We get quite the exposition dump about Thorn. Mainly two things stuck out. Why was a child from each tribe inflicted with the Curse of Thorn according to old Celtic legend? And why, does Tommy suggest, Michael only occasionally strikes on Halloween?
5) Who, is it finally revealed, is the Man in Black? Ultimately it is his game … where does he want to play it?
Bonus Question: Michael Myers is dead, long live Michael Myers. In the mid-credits scene who do we see the severely injured Michael meet up with once again?
Jamie and Patrick look over a ridge at the closely guarded church where LePumice’s time machine is held. The trio are dismayed at the unexpected hitch in the plan. Patrick suggests heading back to their own machine, but LePumice rightly asserts that if the puppetmaster of the dastardly plan to frame the Bad Movie Twins already knows of his own betrayal then he must also know about their own machine. He quickly explains in expository detail how because the plan against them is being formed in the future then, “they already know every move we’ve made,” Jamie finishes astutely. “It’s science,” agrees LePumice. “Then we’ll just have to do the unexpected,” Patrick says slyly. Minutes later Jamie and Patrick start to proceed towards the church with a gun trained on LePumice. “No one moves an inch or this knockoff Time Cop gets it!” Jamie screams, much to the confusion of the guards. They check their patented Time Cop Watches to confirm that LePumice is their future adversary, but can’t square with what they are seeing. In their momentary confusion they leave themselves open to a few well placed Twin Chops. “Let’s get inside and get out of here,” LePumice says but stops dead upon entering the church. “Mikey?” Jamie and Patrick exclaim, confused. Indeed, there is little Mikey Myers from down the block, but instead of the ‘aw, shucks’ look he had the last time they saw him at the casino, this time he means business. “Yes, it’s Mikey, and you’ll curse the day you ever put a fish in my overalls. Or should I say, you already curse that day. Isn’t that right, Mikey?” From behind the time machine the adult Mikey Myers comes out, a Time Cop Watch on his wrist. “Curses,” LePumice says. That’s right! Keep on churning through those Halloweens with The Curse of Michael Myers. I remember this one being the worst of the bunch that I watched back in the day and blessedly another short one for our journey. Pair this up with a Bring a Friend holiday horror special, New Year Evil and we’ve got a party. Let’s go!
Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers (1995) – BMeTric: 67.9; Notability: 24
StreetCreditReport.com –BMeTric: top 0.8%; Notability: top 25.2%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 4.7%; Higher BMeT: Showgirls, Vampire in Brooklyn; Higher Notability: Batman Forever, Congo, Cutthroat Island, Judge Dredd, Under Siege 2: Dark Territory, Virtuosity, Showgirls, Four Rooms, Stuart Saves His Family, Tank Girl, Panther, Jade, Assassins, Things to Do in Denver When You’re Dead, Money Train, Jefferson in Paris, Hackers, Mighty Morphin Power Rangers: The Movie, Canadian Bacon, Just Cause, and 43 more; Lower RT: The Big Green, National Lampoon’s Senior Trip, Theodore Rex, Delta of Venus, Jury Duty, The Walking Dead, Top Dog, Born to Be Wild, A Kid in King Arthur’s Court, The Hunted, It Takes Two; Notes: I can’t believe it hit 5.0 at one point! Anyways, solid sub-5.0 film with an appropriately gaudy BMeTric. We still haven’t seen Showgirls for BMT.
Leonard Maltin – 1.5 stars – Pursued by the masked killer, Michael’s niece escapes from mysterious catacombs with her newborn baby. Then he starts killing a family which has the misfortune merely to live in his former home. Routine slash-fest, of interest only to the dedicated, even though this time it links Michael to the Druids!
(Yeah this is really the worst of the bunch in my opinion. The cult thing is just really weird. Only kind of fun because Paul Rudd is in it.)
(Just give me that soundtrack babbbbbbbby. Oh snap, it had a different name! The Origin of Michael Myers is … a terrible name with a terrible promise. We know the origin of Michael Myers! He was a psycho kid who tried to kill his family a whole mess of times.)
Directors – Joe Chappelle – ( Known For: An Acceptable Loss; Takedown; Thieves Quartet; BMT: Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers; Phantoms; Notes: Huge television director directing CSI: Miami, and The Wire, and Chicago Fire, etc. He directed The Skulls II prior to moving to exclusively television work.)
Writers – Debra Hill – ( Known For: Halloween; Halloween; The Fog; Escape from L.A.; Halloween H20: 20 Years Later; Future BMT: Halloween Kills; Halloween; Halloween: Resurrection; BMT: Halloween II; Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers; Halloween 5: The Revenge of Michael Myers; The Fog; Notes: Long time collaborator with Carpenter. At this point her and Carpenter would just get credit for any Halloween film ever made.)
John Carpenter – ( Known For: Halloween; They Live; Halloween; Escape from New York; The Fog; Escape from L.A.; Prince of Darkness; Halloween H20: 20 Years Later; Assault on Precinct 13; Dark Star; Assault on Precinct 13; Eyes of Laura Mars; Black Moon Rising; Future BMT: Halloween Kills; Halloween; Lockout; Halloween: Resurrection; BMT: Ghosts of Mars; Halloween II; Halloween III: Season of the Witch; Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers; Halloween 5: The Revenge of Michael Myers; The Fog; Notes: Same as above. He’s an interesting guy, apparently he’s very into video games. So much so that when Metal Gear Solid obviously ripped off Escape from New York he declined to sue since he liked the game.)
Daniel Farrands – ( Known For: Aileen Wuornos: American Boogeywoman; The Girl Next Door; The Haunting of Sharon Tate; Havenhurst; BMT: Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers; Razzie Notes: Nominee for Worst Screenplay for The Haunting of Sharon Tate in 2020; Notes: He created the seven-hour documentary Crystal Lake Memories: The Complete History of Friday the 13th, so he has his hands in multiple major horror franchises.)
Actors – Donald Pleasence – ( Known For: Halloween; The Great Escape; Oh, God!; You Only Live Twice; Escape from New York; THX 1138; The Eagle Has Landed; Phenomena; Prince of Darkness; Fantastic Voyage; Escape to Witch Mountain; Soldier Blue; Wake in Fright; The Greatest Story Ever Told; Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band; The Thief and the Cobbler; 1984; Cul-de-sac; Buried Alive; Dracula; BMT: Halloween II; Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers; Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers; Halloween 5: The Revenge of Michael Myers; Notes: He would die prior to this film’s release. He was really the major player in the franchise and obviously loved by Carpenter, also appearing as the President of the US (with a British accent) in Escape from New York.)
Paul Rudd – ( Known For: Ghostbusters: Afterlife; Avengers: Endgame; Romeo + Juliet; Captain America: Civil War; Clueless; The Perks of Being a Wallflower; The 40-Year-Old Virgin; Ant-Man and the Wasp; Ant-Man; Forgetting Sarah Marshall; This Is 40; This Is the End; Knocked Up; Night at the Museum; Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy; I Love You, Man; Sausage Party; Role Models; Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story; Between Two Ferns: The Movie; Future BMT: How Do You Know; Admission; 200 Cigarettes; The Ex; Reno 911! Miami; Over Her Dead Body; BMT: Year One; Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers; Notes: One of those classic actors who started with a crap horror film. He’s now Ant-Man and is in shows like The Shrink Next Door and still doing random comedy like Saturday Morning All Star Hits! and appearing on Conan (usually showing a random clip from Mac & Me).)
Marianne Hagan – ( Known For: Stake Land; Perfume; Naomi and Ely’s No Kiss List; I Think I Do; Rick; BMT: Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers; Notes: Was educated as a journalist and has written books with her sister and published some journalism pieces as well over the years.)
Budget/Gross – $5 million / Domestic: $15,116,634 (Worldwide: $15,116,634)
(Not bad actually. But the writing was on the wall at this point. There was nowhere to go with the franchise, horror was dying in the late 90s, and once Scream came along a year later it completely changed the landscape.)
Rotten Tomatoes – 9% (3/34): Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers trades the simple, brutal effectiveness of the original for convoluted mysticism, with disastrously dull results.
(Yup. Never explain!! You never explain your unstoppable killing machine. There is no point. What is the point of saying Michael Myers is doing all of this because of some cult? Who care?! No one, that’s who. Always a huge mistake.)
Reviewer Highlight: Although the series has obviously run out of steam, the ending leaves the door open for Michael’s return. Really, it’s about time the masks were removed once and for and all. – Stephen Holden, New York Times
(This is as classic as they got in the original series. Pretty similar to the first film’s poster. I like the blue tone and overall framing. Font has never been Halloween’s strong suit. So I’ll give it a bit of a pass. B+.)
Tagline(s) – Terror Never Rests In Peace! (C)
(Neither bad nor good really. It’s short and sweet and gives the sense of the character, but really as bland as they come.)
Top 10: Once Upon a Time… In Hollywood (2019), Midsommar (2019), Scooby-Doo (2002), Get Out (2017), Hereditary (2018), The Shining (1980), Eyes Wide Shut (1999), Reservoir Dogs (1992), From Dusk Till Dawn (1996), Wrong Turn (2021)
Future BMT: 76.7 Paranormal Activity 4 (2012), 65.2 The Haunting of Molly Hartley (2008), 61.3 Scooby-Doo (2002), 58.4 Children of the Corn II: The Final Sacrifice (1992), 56.6 An American Werewolf in Paris (1997), 55.1 Annabelle (2014), 51.3 Dude, Where’s My Car? (2000), 45.9 Darkness (2002), 45.2 Children of the Corn (1984), 44.5 The Reaping (2007)
BMT: Friday the 13th (2009), Drive Angry (2011), The Circle (2017), Cobra (1986), Conan the Destroyer (1984), The Wicker Man (2006), Babylon A.D. (2008), Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers (1995), Alone in the Dark (2005), Bless the Child (2000)
Matches: Midsommar (2019), Doctor Sleep (2019), The Master (2012), Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom (1984), Mandy (2018), Martha Marcy May Marlene (2011), The Babysitter: Killer Queen (2020), Drive Angry (2011), Annabelle (2014), Colonia (2015), Dude, Where’s My Car? (2000), Apostle (2018), The Endless (2017), Children of the Corn (1984), Cobra (1986), Holy Smoke (1999), V/H/S/94 (2021), Society (1989), Midnight Special (2016), How to Talk to Girls at Parties (2017), Babylon A.D. (2008), Cult of Chucky (2017), Red State (2011), Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers (1995), The Other Lamb (2019), Alone in the Dark (2005), Ladies and Gentlemen, the Fabulous Stains (1982), Children of the Corn II: The Final Sacrifice (1992), … (and many more)
(We’ve done a ton of 00s cult films for some reason. The Wicker Man, Babylon A.D., Bless the Child. My god! There were a lot of them. We have to start killing up Children of the Corn at some point.)
Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 15) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Donald Pleasence is No. 1 billed in Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers and No. 2 billed in Halloween II, which also stars Jamie Lee Curtis (No. 1 billed) who is in Christmas with the Kranks (No. 2 billed) which also stars Tim Allen (No. 1 billed) who is in Jungle 2 Jungle (No. 1 billed) which also stars Leelee Sobieski (No. 6 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 1 billed) => (1 + 2) + (1 + 2) + (1 + 1) + (6 + 1) = 15. If we were to watch How Do You Know, and Legally Blonde 2: Red, White & Blonde we can get the HoE Number down to 15.
Notes – Paul Rudd’s film debut; it was filmed before Clueless (1995), his first big-screen appearance.
Most of the cast and crew disowned this movie. On the Halloween: 25 Years of Terror (2006) DVD, they stated that the studio, producers, and director interfered and argued to the point of ridiculousness which resulted in a very poorly directed and edited film.
The producers of the movie wanted Brian Andrews to reprise his role as Tommy Doyle from the original Halloween. However, Andrews did not have an agent, so they could not get in contact with him. He’s stated since that he regrets missing the opportunity.
It was Daniel Farrands who suggested that the film be called The Curse of Michael Myers due to the troubled production.
In early 1995, after filming and editing was completed, Halloween 6 was given a test screening which, as described by actress Marianne Hagan, “consisted primarily of 14-year-old boys.” During the Q&A afterward, one of them expressed great displeasure at the ending of the film, which entailed a Celtic ritual and the passing on of the Curse of Thorn to the Dr. Loomis character. This led to reshoots to craft a new ending, but there was a big problem: Donald Pleasence could not be present for them on account of having died in February. Not only was a new ending shot anyway, but over twenty minutes of other footage was changed as well, leaving gaping plot holes that rendered the film nearly incomprehensible.
Danielle Harris wanted to reclaim her role as Jamie, but turned it down when Dimension Films refused to pay her the $5,000 she wanted. Harris stated in an interview that when her agent learned that filmmakers were looking to cast an actress who was at least 18 or older to play Jamie in this film, she was only 17 but wanted to do the movie enough that she got herself legally emancipated from her parents at the suggestion of filmmakers so that she could work longer hours without having to go to school. Harris spent time and thousands of dollars on the legal process, but ultimately turned down the film due to her own dissatisfaction with her character’s story and Dimension’s refusal to pay her a salary that would have recovered her legal fees. Harris also stated that she eventually met and befriended J.C. Brandy, who took over the role of Jamie in the film and was treated poorly on the set because Harris turned down the role.
The original title of the movie was “Halloween 666: The Origin of Michael Myers”. There are even existing ad prints and early trailers with that title. Later, it became “Halloween 6” and finally “Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers”.
For years after the theatrical release of this film, the only way to watch the Producer’s Cut was by bootleg copies which had poor video and audio quality rendering it nearly unwatchable, the footage managed to survive being destroyed by being released illegally. On September 23rd, 2014, Shout Factory released the original Producer’s Cut on Blu Ray, with a restored picture from the original negative which is available in the Halloween Complete Collection for the first time. It was finally given an individual release by Miramax films on September 2015 though without the bonus features from the collection.
Many of the crew have gone on the record to state that director Joe Chappelle told them from the outset that he didn’t like the Halloween films, and was only involved in this project because it got him a three-picture deal with Miramax. His next two films after this were both Miramax releases.
Daniel Farrands was a longtime fan of the series. He had compiled a notebook filled with research on the series, including a timeline, bios for every character, a “family tree” of the Myers and Strode families, and research on the runic symbol of Thorn that had appeared in Halloween 5: The Revenge of Michael Myers (1989).
Daniel Farrands stated in an interview that Joe Chappelle used little to no ideas from his script. He had completely re-written the entire third act which included a completely (confusing) different ending. Daniel’s original script dealt more with the cult and rune of Thorn.
Kevin Williamson’s initial treatment for part 7 originally acknowledged the events in 4, 5 and 6, but it was dropped to avoid confusing and complicating things for viewers.
This first Halloween movie where the sheriff of Haddonfield is not a main character in the movie.
Other than this film, the only film in the series that displayed the Thorn tattoo on Michael’s wrist was Halloween 5: The Revenge of Michael Myers. It has not been used in any subsequent films.
Bless me father for they have sinned. It’s been eleven years since they confessed. Here are their sins:
Retroactively stealing the BMTverse from Patrick and I. The entire setting of this film is some alternate universe Earth where megacities are surrounded by a dangerous Waste/Scorch and supercops/priests go around blasting baddies with laser guns. Uh, excuse me? That is quite literally the stereotype that is the BMTverse. We’d like our royalties, father.
Cam Gigantic… I love him… and by love I mean that I love to see him in films because they are guaranteed to be BMT. And he delivers, father, oh boy does he deliver. It’s not like anyone else is throwing the heat here except “Cam Gigantic Forever”. I’m ready to get him into the BMT version of the Expendables right now… no, I didn’t mean the Avengers, why?
They dare (dare!) to set themselves up for a sequel. I guess it wasn’t unfounded. This was the age of Underworld and Resident Evil. Probably felt like we would be lamenting the gritty reboot of the Priest franchise in 2022 after six films that ended with the evil robot Priest turning against his makers and teaming up with the Priest clone army to destroy the werewolf/vampire/frankenstein’s monster horde that has surrounded Light City or some shit. Truly, some weird franchises came out of that time.
They are (probably) sorry for their sins. Amen.
Well that was fun. Kinda flipped the review with the game. Overall, the film seems pretty small. It runs from an opening exposition explaining the origin of our vampire world right into the kidnapping of Bettany’s daughter (what a twist!) and the rest of the film follows linearly from there to the climactic battle scene. To sum it up: the priests are supercops (not to be confused with time cops) born to fight vampires. A priest-vampire hybrid returns and kidnaps Priest’s (secret, shhh) daughter. That got him and Cam Gigantic all riled up. So why did the hybrid kidnap her? Uh, I guess to lure Priest into a battle so he could try to turn him to the dark side. Mostly cause I think he knew he sucked and needed more priests on his side so he didn’t get totally owned like the loser he was. But also, he was a loser and no one liked him so the Priest just owned him instead. The end. In retrospect not much of a plan. I would have gone with a sneak attack rather than the “alert everyone to your plan and hope to convince people to also become gross monsters” attack.
It very much feels like they tried to take a graphic novel to the big screen and ultimately that both worked and didn’t work. Like credit where credit is due, I think there are some fun visuals in the film. The plethora of Renfields are interesting, it’s bookended with some cool cartoons, and it ends with a train battle. But everything still felt a little flat. Patrick?
Patrick
‘Ello everyone! Priest? More like Least, amirite?! I think I am!! Remember when Paul Bettany was an action star? I guess he still is, he’s Vision in the Marvel films, but still, there was a brief moment when a slight British man somehow led multiple action films. Let’s go!
Paul Bettany growls his way through this film a la Christain Bale in Batman and it just doesn’t work. I think maybe because Bettany neglected to … you know, look strong. He does attempt to lose his accent (poorly), so he was going for it.
I guess that begs the question though: why did we watch this prior to Legion? Shouldn’t we have gone in true Paul Bettany filmography order for the PBEU (Paul Bettany Extended Universe)? I can’t wait to find out how Priest connects to The Secret Life of Bees.
If you can’t tell by the notes so far the only reason this film exists at all seems to be as a Paul Bettany vehicle … it is hard to grasp that in 2011 that was something that was released to theaters. That new hot Paul Bettany vampire vehicle.
Karl Urban as the bad guy? Marissa’s grandpa from The O.C.? Christopher Plummer getting paid in the shade? CAM GIGANTIC?! How can Gigantic even look Marissa’s grandpa in the eyes, he (SPOILERS) killed Marissa in the show!
The creature designs were kind of cool I suppose, if you were going for a unique moleman kind of idea for vampires.
But then the setting is bizarre. Vampires have been around for a long time, but we are positing it is some unknown point in the future (I think, they have like robot bikes and stuff so it must be, right?). It is all based on a Korean manhwa series, so I suppose you just have to roll with the punches.
If I was more well schooled in Westerns I would be able to do a better job of seeing where the film (and probably comic) copied from more famous works. It seems pretty blatant, I think it is arguably an adaptation of The Searchers in some ways.
Really I can only give this an award for Worst Twist (How?) for the inevitable reveal that Priest is, in fact, Lucy’s father and not her uncle as we’ve been led to believe. Definitely a BMT.
The film in its own weird way reminds me a lot of Jonah Hex. An odd borderline steampunk Western with a gruff anti-hero. All it needed was Lance Reddick crowing “Happy Fourth of Juuuuuly” to me and this would have actually been a four star masterpiece.
Oh man. So get this, the world actually has loads of vampires and they are ultrafast. So one of those sped right by me and bopped me in the head. Now I can’t remember a thing! Do you remember what happened in Priest?
Pop Quiz Hot Shot!
1) Our hero (simply called Priest) is having some real spooky nightmares in Cathedral City. What are they?
2) Why does Priest ask the Monsignors for permission to leave Cathedral City?
3) Obviously Judge Dredd is a real bad familiar now. What is his plan to attack the humans?
4) What are Priest, Cam Gigantic, and Priestess going to try and do to stop the train?
5) In the end, how do they actually blow the tracks and save Lucy?
Bonus Question: I know y’all were waiting for that sweet mid-credits sequence to see the big reveal. Priest returns Lucy and Gigantic to the ruins of her family home to collect some mementos, but who is waiting there for them?
Patrick is sweating bullets as he watches the intense hearts game commence between Jamie and the dastardly Donovan LePumice. Jamie always said, “Hearts in the thinking man’s poker,” and boy howdy is he showing his stuff. Hearts are flying left and right as he parries LePumice’s every move. When the dust settles they both look at their cards, chests heaving in exhaustion. “Wha-wha-whaaaaaaa?” Jamie says like a dope. And no wonder, both Jamie and LePumice appear to have simultaneously shot the moon. “Saboteur!” screams Jamie. “I do declare!” swoons LePumice in shock, but he quickly recovers to pull a gun on them. Patrick holds up his hand, urgently begging LePumice to listen. “Don’t you see? It’s a conspiracy. Why are you here, LePumice? Who sent you?” LePumice looks rattled. “Sent me? I just answered a call. A call for all Timecops to take down the Bad Movie Twins, or should I say Bad Movie Terrorists?” he spits. Jamie and Patrick shake their heads in dismay. They explain everything to LePumice, including just how rad they looked showing off on their dirt bikes. “Remember that?” Jamie asks and Patrick nods wistfully, having a pretty sweet audio flashback of that recent memory. LePumice lowers his gun, a look of resolve crossing his face. “I can’t help but believe you, even if the warrant for your time arrest noted that you might try to do something rad to distract me. Like some sweet dance moves or a chilling, ethereal duet. It all seems too… perfect. Let me help you.” Jamie and Patrick try to dissuade him. It’s too dangerous. He won’t be swayed though, and indicates for them to follow him. “We must get to the church. It’s where my time machine is… to take you back to the future.” That’s right! We are heading into the future for this year’s ongoing cycle. We start it off right by choosing Priest, a film that is probably, maybe, almost definitely set in the future… we think. It’s also only 87 minutes long. Works for me! Let’s go!
Priest (2011) – BMeTric: 43.9; Notability: 48
StreetCreditReport.com –BMeTric: top 13.2%; Notability: top 10.4%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 9.1%; Higher BMeT: Jack and Jill, Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance, Human Centipede 2: Tom Six Discusses the Story Concept, Spy Kids 4: All the Time in the World, Shark Night, Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked, Bucky Larson: Born to Be a Star, The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1, Big Mommas: Like Father, Like Son, The Darkest Hour, The Roommate, Abduction, Conan the Barbarian, Zookeeper, Hoodwinked Too! Hood vs. Evil, Apollo 18, I Don’t Know How She Does It, The Dilemma, Twixt, Trespass, and 13 more; Higher Notability: Transformers: Dark of the Moon, Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides, Green Lantern, Cars 2, The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1, Your Highness, Hop, New Year’s Eve, Jack and Jill, The Smurfs, Red Riding Hood, Battle Los Angeles, Sucker Punch, In Time, The Hangover Part II, Hoodwinked Too! Hood vs. Evil, I Am Number Four, Johnny English Reborn, Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked, Season of the Witch, and 6 more; Lower RT: Faces in the Crowd, You May Not Kiss the Bride, Jack and Jill, Bucky Larson: Born to Be a Star, The Roommate, A Little Bit of Heaven, Hick, Abduction, Big Mommas: Like Father, Like Son, Dream House, New Year’s Eve, Red Riding Hood, Trespass, Season of the Witch, Hoodwinked Too! Hood vs. Evil, Atlas Shrugged: Part I, The Darkest Hour, Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked, There Be Dragons, Zookeeper, and 2 more; Notes: The era from 2000+ is quite interesting because there were so many bad movies that despite watching a ton of bad movies we still have only watched half of those available. Amazingly stayed stock still at a surprisingly high 5.7 on IMDb.
Leonard Maltin – 2.5 stars – Director and star of Legion reunite for an equally absurd but more exciting fantasy-thriller with religious overtones. In a postapocalyptic world ruled by the Catholic Church, an ages-old war between humans and humongous vampires has been settled by lethally efficient clerical warriors. But when rogue bloodsuckers kidnap his niece, Priest (Bettany) comes out of forced retirement to save her from a fate worse than death. Violent action-adventue borrows imagery and plot elements from The Searchers and other classic Westerns, and is all the more enjoyable as a guilty pleasure for not slipping into self-conscious campiness. Based on a Korean graphic novel series.
(Long review. And that does seem to be the consensus, that it is at least more enjoyable than Legion, but still terrible.)
(You know, it just occurred to me that Bettany is, for kind of no reason, forced to put on an American accent. They are like “Bettany … what if you character talked like Christian Bale in Batman?” Weird choice. They just let Plummer talk like Christopher Plummer, just let Bettany be Bettany you know?)
Directors – Scott Stewart – ( Known For: Dark Skies; Holidays; Future BMT: Legion; BMT: Priest; Notes: He started as a visual effects artist for Industrial Light + Magic including working on Phantom Menace.)
Writers – Cory Goodman – ( Future BMT: Underworld: Blood Wars; Apollo 18; BMT: The Last Witch Hunter; Priest; Notes: There isn’t much information about him online. This was his first credited film, and he hasn’t been credited since 2016.)
Min-Woo Hyung – ( BMT: Priest; Notes: He wrote the graphic novel. I think he also made one called Ghostface, but Priest is by far his most famous work.)
Actors – Paul Bettany – ( Known For: Avengers: Infinity War; Iron Man; The Avengers; Captain America: Civil War; Avengers: Age of Ultron; Iron Man Three; Solo: A Star Wars Story; Legend; Iron Man 2; A Beautiful Mind; A Knight’s Tale; Master and Commander: The Far Side of the World; Margin Call; Dogville; Uncle Frank; The Young Victoria; Wimbledon; The Secret Life of Bees; Journey’s End; Bent; Future BMT: The Da Vinci Code; The Tourist; Legion; Inkheart; BMT: Transcendence; Priest; Mortdecai; Firewall; Notes: Most recently seen in WandaVision as Vision for which he was nominated for an Emmy. He directed the film Shelter starring his wife Jennifer Connelly.)
Cam Gigandet – ( Known For: Twilight; The Magnificent Seven; The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 2; Easy A; Without Remorse; Dangerous Lies; In the Blood; The Experiment; Assimilate; Free Ride; Bad Johnson; 4 Minute Mile; Plush; Broken Vows; Red Sky; On the Doll; The Shadow Effect; Future BMT: Never Back Down; Pandorum; The Unborn; Who’s Your Caddy?; BMT: Burlesque; The Roommate; Priest; Trespass; Notes: We call him Cam Gigantic which I’m starting to think is pretty offensive, but whatever. Was credited on the soundtrack of Burlesque for singing Bound to You.)
Maggie Q – ( Known For: The Protégé; Divergent; Mission: Impossible III; Live Free or Die Hard; Rush Hour 2; Death of Me; New York, I Love You; The Con is On; Naked Weapon; Slumber; Operation: Endgame; The Argument; The King of Fighters; The Crash; Gen-Y Cops; Three Kingdoms; Dragon Heat; Lang zai ji; Hainan ji fan; The Trouble-Makers; Future BMT: Allegiant; The Divergent Series: Insurgent; Balls of Fury; Deception; BMT: Fantasy Island; Around the World in 80 Days; Priest; Razzie Notes: Nominee for Worst Supporting Actress for Fantasy Island in 2021; Notes: Voices Wonder Woman in Young Justice. She was born in Hawaii and is half Vietnamese.)
(Terrible. But unsurprising. Giant weirdo sci-fi nonsense from the 2000s always seemed to be chasing something (The Matrix maybe?) but then never really seemed to make much money.)
Rotten Tomatoes – 15% (15/101): Sleek and stylish, but those qualities are wasted on a dull, derivative blend of sci-fi, action, and horror.
(It really is a mishmash. It looks like a western, but objectively takes place in the future, but then also exists in a fantasy world where humans have been fighting vampires for centuries. Just a weird idea that probably works better as a graphic novel.)
Reviewer Highlight: The God of Aborted Franchises will be pleased. – Keith Uhlich, Time Out
(Nice font, but that’s kind of it. I like the detail and effort, but it’s very dark and kind of cheesy looking. Overall still OK though C+.)
Tagline(s) – The War is Eternal. His Mission is Just the Beginning. (D)
(Been a while since I got to say this: this sounds like a tagline, but I assure you it is not. This is straight nonsense. Just words put together to sound like a tagline. It’s not.)
Top 10: Hotel Transylvania: Transformania (2022), Hotel Transylvania (2012), Twilight (2008), Doctor Sleep (2019), Hotel Transylvania 3: Summer Vacation (2018), Dark Shadows (2012), The Lost Boys (1987), Scott Pilgrim vs. the World (2010), From Dusk Till Dawn (1996), Interview with the Vampire: The Vampire Chronicles (1994)
Future BMT: 90.0 Vampires Suck (2010), 88.5 BloodRayne (2005), 51.7 Dylan Dog: Dead of Night (2010), 49.9 Sleepwalkers (1992), 44.9 Transylvania 6-5000 (1985), 43.3 Bordello of Blood (1996), 41.2 Buffy the Vampire Slayer (1992), 40.9 The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen (2003), 40.9 Blade: Trinity (2004), 40.2 The Forsaken (2001)
BMT: Hellboy (2019), The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1 (2011), The Twilight Saga: New Moon (2009), Vampire Academy (2014), Queen of the Damned (2002), Dracula 2000 (2000), Priest (2011), Ultraviolet (2006), Vampire in Brooklyn (1995), Dudley Do-Right (1999)
Matches: Twilight (2008), Dark Shadows (2012), The Lost Boys (1987), From Dusk Till Dawn (1996), Interview with the Vampire: The Vampire Chronicles (1994), Dracula (1992), Night Teeth (2021), Blade (1998), Hotel Transylvania 2 (2015), The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 2 (2012), Let Me In (2010), Underworld (2003), Blade: Trinity (2004), Blade II (2002), The Twilight Saga: Eclipse (2010), The Mortal Instruments: City of Bones (2013), Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter (2012), The Twilight Saga: New Moon (2009), Body Double (1984), Buffy the Vampire Slayer (1992), 30 Days of Night (2007), Vampire Academy (2014), Underworld: Blood Wars (2016), Vampires (1998), Queen of the Damned (2002), Near Dark (1987), Once Bitten (1985), Fright Night (1985), Paris, je t’aime (2006), Fright Night (2011), BloodRayne (2005), Embrace of the Vampire (1995), Underworld: Evolution (2006), Daybreakers (2009), Underworld: Rise of the Lycans (2009), Dracula 2000 (2000), Underworld: Awakening (2012), Thirst (2009), The Stakelander (2016), A Girl Walks Home Alone at Night (2014), Priest (2011), Sleepwalkers (1992), Vampire’s Kiss (1988), Ultraviolet (2006), Freaks of Nature (2015), Shadow of the Vampire (2000), Dracula: Dead and Loving It (1995), Stake Land (2010), The House Next Door: Meet the Blacks 2 (2021), Fright Night Part 2 (1988), Vampires Suck (2010), The Little Vampire (2000), Night Watch (2004), Cirque du Freak: The Vampire’s Assistant (2009), My Best Friend Is a Vampire (1987), Vampire Hunter D: Bloodlust (2000), Vampire in Brooklyn (1995), … (and many more)
(So many and so many left and even so many solid BMTs left. My god … we haven’t watched The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen! I mean, I have seen it (in theaters). We just haven’t watched it for BMT yet.)
Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 10) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Paul Bettany is No. 1 billed in Priest and No. 2 billed in Firewall, which also stars Harrison Ford (No. 1 billed) who is in Hollywood Homicide (No. 1 billed) which also stars Josh Hartnett (No. 2 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 3 billed) => (1 + 2) + (1 + 1) + (2 + 3) = 10. There is no shorter path at the moment.
Notes – The animated opening was a compromise solution, since the studios had no interest in going over budget for a live-action version of the centuries-long battle of humans against vampires, so the scene was done by animation which was much cheaper to realize.
The girl Priest is looking for is called Lucy. This is a throwback to the Dracula of Bram Stoker, where there is also a character named Lucy, who is also an engaged redheaded girl in need of saving.
The basic premise of this is the search for a kidnapped girl, the niece of the Priest, who accompanied by her boyfriend set off after the kidnappers [Vampires], at one point the Priest says if his niece is infected he will kill her, to which her boyfriend says he will stop him. This is the same premise as a classic western the Searchers, with John Wayne saying he will kill the niece he and Jeffrey Hunter are searching for because of her being so long with the Indians and Jeffrey Hunter saying he will stop him. In both films both the Priest and John Wayne say “you can try”
The two companies responsible for building the bikes, Cinema Vehicle Services and Ghostlight Industries started with the Suzuki Gladius. The builders took the initial artists’ sketches and made adjustments that would allow them to create fully functioning, usable vehicles. Alloy swing arms were fitted to the rear of the bikes with a strengthened suspension setup similar to that used on sidecars. The front wheels were also extended out from the bikes using completely custom designed front ends. The low stance was then achieved by building custom fuel tanks that could be relocated to beneath the seat in the extra space created by the massively extended swing arm. Using foam and wood the extreme styling from the concept sketches was shaped over the heavily modified Gladius. The final touches including paint, age effects and the weapons were then added by the production’s art department. All the motorcycles produced for the film took around 6 weeks to produce. One builder was quoted as confidently saying that the motorcycles could be road registered and ridden daily.
Stephen Moyer did this film between seasons of playing a vampire in True Blood (2008).
Cam Gigandet played James, a vampire, in Twilight (2008).
Where are you? Why do you hide? Where is that moonfall trail that leads to your BMT Live, babbyyyyyy! That’s me just riffing on the Moonraker theme to psych myself up for a borderline qualifying BMT film. Me and Patrick watched with bated breath as Moonfall appeared to be on its way to the ultimate “good for what it is, eat your dumb moon movie, dummies,” film of all time. Every review was like “Good if you’re a big idiot who likes dumb shit, 3/5 stars.” But suddenly it seemed like it wasn’t so and it was heading to BMT town, choo choo. So we bet big, watched the movie, and we won, cause this is an easy qualifier now.
So you may be wondering, “Jamie, did it live up to the hype? Was it actually a bad movie that reviewers were letting slide because they can no longer tell if they are supposed to be reviewing films or trying to predict what people are going to like (and thus yell at them on twitter about)?” Uh… well no and yes. Sure this movie is about the moon being a superstructure whose engine appears to be failing. And yes, the conspiracy theorist who discovered it and two disgraced astronauts fly into the moon and defeat a big AI-driven swarm of robots or something. So you can definitely check the “big” and “dumb” squares off your BMT bingo cards. But honestly, I kinda dug it. It’s super weird and science fiction-y and I liked how weird it was, particularly the ending. That being said, if you read the reviews they are like “you’re going to have a blast with this dumb fun action romp,” and I don’t really agree with that. Really the worst parts of the film were when they did the whole 2012-esque action and adventure stuff. And the very worst part was when they inserted a Lexus commercial into the middle of the film and they used some kind of “sports” mode in the car like it’s a NOS button in The Fast and the Furious. So a mixed bag overall and probably makes sense that this arrives at BMT by the slimmest of margins.
Since Patrick did a State of the Theaters (SotT) I will do a classic Sequel, Prequel, Remake. Obviously this is a smash hit so we gotta start thinking about the Sequel. I’m going to say we go full Marvel and say that once the moon was discovered to be a superstructure, parts that had come off and fallen to Earth have been scavenged and found to unlock the secret of future tech. The world changes over night for what appears to be the better. But wait, what villainous creature appears in the sky to rain on their utopia? K. C. Houseman, the conspiracy theorist himself, now full moonman. He’s been living in the moon for years learning everything he can from the AI. Putting the pieces together he can see that mankind is heading for disaster and only he can stop it by breaking bad and attacking Earth. That’s right! He’s the bad guy and a whole bunch of disgraced astronauts have to Tokyo Drift all over space to stop him. Now that’s what I’m talking about. Wooooo. Wait, what’s that? I’m just getting word that this was not in fact a smash hit. It actually the opposite. Alright, well trash that. Patrick?
Patrick
‘Ello everyone! BMT Live! babbbbbbbbbbby! We pounced on this one when it was at like 39.8% on Rotten Tomatoes, and we were vindicated, it is now 38.3%! Let’s go!
Is this movie dumb? Yup. Is this movie poorly cobbled together? Yup. Does this movie have a giant ad for Lexus disguised as a boring B-story no one cares about? Yup.
But is this movie profoundly bad? No. It is weirdly entertaining. Absolutely blew by. Glanced at my watch and realized that I was an hour-and-a-half into the film.
But that’s what BMT Live! is all about, right? I’m pretty convinced that I would have watched Moonfall at some point streaming randomly and we would have never done it for BMT if not for watching it in theaters.
What percentage of people died on Earth during this film? 50%? 90%? 99%? I would say 99%, because all of the oxygen on Earth was lifted up and suffocated everyone in Colorado who didn’t have alternative breathing devices. But then maybe that was just because it was Colorado and thus higher up? John Bradley is like “take care of my mum.” Bro … I’m not sure your mother made it. I’m not sure if more than, like, 70 million people are alive on the planet. I’m sure if there was a sequel there would be some dumb thing being like “a million people died in the moon disaster” and I would be like WHAT, but whatever.
Is John Bradley a Planchet in this film? He’s on the heavier side, people are bewildered that he is around and tend to dunk on him at every opportunity. Then he is also oddly capable and helps the heroes out in the end … I’m going with no though. He is too capable. Planchet merely helps the Musketeers out. He doesn’t grab a sword and defeat Cardinal Richelieu himself.
Incredible Product Placement (What?) for Lexus, in that there is an entire commercial where Michael Pena puts the car into “hyperdrive” to get away from some baddies. Nice Setting as a Character (Where?) for Colorado. Decent MacGuffin (Why?) for just like evil AI that lives in the moon I think. And a terrible Worst Twist (How?) for obviously (obviously) Bradley staying behind to save the day (doesn’t mean I didn’t cry though). Definite BMT, even if Rotten Tomatoes thinks it is borderline.
I should probably do a very short report on the state of theaters. They are good. I was in a small theater (maybe like 30 reclining seats) with eight other people, but they were one giant group it turned out. But they were as silent as church mice and the experience was excellent. I think 2022 is looking good for theatrical experiences … only more so since I no longer have to go to Vue or Cineworld. AMC Framingham is like a palace compared to some of the theaters in London.
Oh man, so the Moon is falling and I think it fell down and bopped me on the head because I can’t remember a thing about it! Do you remember what happened in Moonfall?
Pop Quiz Hot Shot!
1) In the beginning our heroes are on a space mission when suddenly an amorphous blob attacks! It kills one of them, but Patrick Wilson saves the ship and lands it safely. But, answer me this, what was the purpose of the mission? Bonus points for naming the some they are singing while doing it.
2) Well, Patrick Wilson’s life is now ruined. Smash cut to 10 or so years later. He’s divorced, his ex-wife is re-married to Michael Pena, and … now I can’t remember. Why is his son going to jail? And why doesn’t he get bail?
3) The moon is falling (did I mention that yet?) and they have one shot to stop it. What is the plan? Why do they need Patrick Wilson for the mission?
4) Oh man there is a whole other story I’ve barely mentioned. Patrick Wilson’s son and Halle Berry’s son (plus a Chinese exchange student / nanny maybe?) are off to where? But where do they ultimately end up at the end of the film?
5) Give it to me, give me the exposition dump of why the moon is a superstructure and why there is an eeeeeeeevil AI trying to hurl it into the moon?
Bonus Question: In the after-mid-credits sequence (you didn’t stay? It was shown 45 minutes after the theater was cleaned) we blast lightyears away to meet whom?
Patrick looks at his watch. Jamie had been gambling for three hours and Patrick’s patience was wearing thin. Maybe they really did just need to straighten out Young Jamie and Patrick and head on back to the time machine. Jamie asks for more money and Patrick refuses. He was already down $350 and he wasn’t about to lose more. “Aw come on,” Jamie insists, “the dealer is palming cards and I think I can prove it if I just get a couple more chances.” Still Patrick shakes his head and starts to pull Jamie to the exit. “Fine,” Jamie yells, yanking his sleeve from Patrick’s grasp, “I’ll just have to pound some dweebs.” Oh boy, Jamie’s got a glint in his eye and is looking like he’s about to Walk Tall all over this underground casino. But before he can get his Walking Tall on (hard) a tall, handsome-as-all-heck man in a tuxedo intercepts him. “Hey, good chap, how about we place a wager between us and let everyone enjoy themselves.” Jamie tries to shrug him off, but the man doesn’t budge. “Double fine,” Jamie spits out, staring daggers at all the people who narrowly missed a Walking Tall barrage all over their faces. They sit down at a nearby table. The man orders a tea (stirred, not shaken) and introduces himself. “The name’s LePumice, Donovan LePumice. The game’s Hearts. The wager is your lives, Bad Movie Twins.” Jamie and Patrick gasp in surprise. Guess they aren’t the only ones time traveling lately and no wonder, trouble has followed them ever since they obtained the Dongle. A crowd gathers as Jamie shuffles. “I just want to let you know before we start,” Donovan LePumice says sauvly, “I’m going to shoot the moon and then I’m going to shoot you.” That’s right! BMT Live! The movies are back, Jack, and we waited with bated breath to see if Moonfall would get into BMT range. It was like a will-they-won’t-they sitcom of the 90’s as the sexual chemistry between Moonfall and BMT was palpable (almost pornagraphic) and fortunately we were able to give the people what they wanted as it dropped below 40%. We snatched up the opportunity with gusto. Let’s go!
Moonfall (2022) – BMeTric: 38.9; Notability: 28
StreetCreditReport.com –BMeTric: top 1.2%; Notability: top 0.0%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 31.2%; Higher BMeT: Brazen, The 355, The Ice Age Adventures of Buck Wild; Lower RT: Blacklight, Brazen, Alice, The Ice Age Adventures of Buck Wild, The 355; Notes: Kind of cool to see what is happening this early into the year. Also just consider that Notability isn’t really accurate within two or so years of a film coming out, that number will double I think. Would be interesting to try and find out (using wikipedia historical records), but difficult.
RogerEbert.com – 1.5 stars – Roland Emmerich destroys the world again with “Moonfall,” but this time his heart just isn’t in it. The German nihilist blockbuster filmmaker, who has rarely met a conspiracy theory he didn’t like, has become the “master of disaster” with films like “Independence Day,” and his own global warming epic, “The Day After Tomorrow.” But while his film “2012” in particular was overwhelming in its passion for turning mass death into a roller coaster thrill ride with two kids in the backseat, here is “Moonfall,” which proves a boring apocalypse movie is worse than one fixated on how we are all doomed.
(This is kind of a mishmash review, but it is as bad as I expected. The film is getting surprisingly okay reviews (more on that later), so seeing a definitive “this sucks” review is at least refreshing.)
(Leans right into the years long trend of covering classic songs into stylized versions for trailers. Honest opinion? Bad Moon Rising has never sounded worse, but this trailer makes the movie seem more fun than it apparently is.)
Directors – Roland Emmerich – ( Known For: Independence Day; Midway; Stargate; The Day After Tomorrow; The Patriot; White House Down; Anonymous; Stonewall; Moon 44; Making Contact; The Noah’s Ark Principle; Ghost Chase; BMT: Moonfall; 2012; Independence Day: Resurgence; Godzilla; 10,000 BC; Universal Soldier; Razzie Notes: Nominee for Worst Director, and Worst Screenplay for Independence Day: Resurgence in 2017; Nominee for Worst Director, and Worst Screenplay for Godzilla in 1999; and Nominee for Worst Written Film Grossing Over $100 Million for Independence Day in 1997; Notes: Wrote and Directed Stargate which is being remade with him writing and directing again. I wonder how many times a writer go to remake his own film.)
Writers – Roland Emmerich – ( Known For: Independence Day; Stargate; The Day After Tomorrow; Moon 44; Making Contact; The Noah’s Ark Principle; Ghost Chase; BMT: Moonfall; 2012; Independence Day: Resurgence; Godzilla; 10,000 BC; Razzie Notes: Nominee for Worst Director, and Worst Screenplay for Independence Day: Resurgence in 2017; Nominee for Worst Director, and Worst Screenplay for Godzilla in 1999; and Nominee for Worst Written Film Grossing Over $100 Million for Independence Day in 1997; Notes: Apparently got into movies after watching the original Star Wars film in Germany in the late 70s.)
Harald Kloser – ( BMT: Moonfall; 2012; 10,000 BC; Notes: Primarily a composer. All of the films he has written were also written and directed by Emmerich.)
Spenser Cohen – ( Known For: Extinction; BMT: Moonfall; Notes: Is credited as a writer on the upcoming Expendables 4 which surely won’t be a shoe-in BMT classic …)
Actors – Halle Berry – ( Known For: Kingsman: The Golden Circle; Cloud Atlas; X-Men; John Wick: Chapter 3 – Parabellum; X-Men: Days of Future Past; X-Men: The Last Stand; Bruised; Die Another Day; Monster’s Ball; X2: X-Men United; Executive Decision; The Last Boy Scout; Robots; The Call; Boomerang; Jungle Fever; The Program; Kings; Bulworth; Dark Tide; Future BMT: The Flintstones; Gothika; Kidnap; B*A*P*S; Strictly Business; Father Hood; The Rich Man’s Wife; Race the Sun; BMT: Moonfall; Movie 43; Swordfish; New Year’s Eve; Catwoman; Perfect Stranger; Razzie Notes: Winner for Worst Actress for Catwoman in 2005; Nominee for Worst Actress in 2014 for Movie 43, and The Call; and Nominee for Worst Screen Couple for Catwoman in 2005; Notes: Famously won an Oscar for Monster’s Ball, but also won an Emmy for Introducing Dorothy Dandridge. Won the Miss Teen All-American Pageant in 1985.)
Patrick Wilson – ( Known For: Watchmen; Aquaman; Midway; Prometheus; The Conjuring; The Conjuring: The Devil Made Me Do It; Insidious; The Assistant; Bone Tomahawk; The Founder; Little Children; Annabelle Comes Home; The Conjuring 2; The A-Team; The Switch; A Kind of Murder; Hard Candy; The Commuter; In the Tall Grass; Young Adult; Future BMT: Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice; The Phantom of the Opera; Insidious: The Last Key; Insidious: Chapter 2; The Alamo; BMT: Moonfall; The Nun; Evening; Notes: Nominated for an Emmy for Angels in America. Started mostly in theater where he was nominated for two Tony awards.)
John Bradley – ( Known For: Marry Me; Anna Karenina; Man Up; American Satan; Patient Zero; Future BMT: The Brothers Grimsby; BMT: Moonfall; Notes: Apparently is a stand up comedian and drummer in addition to (most famously) appearing in Game of Thrones. He’s going to be in the upcoming Three-Body Problem television series.)
Budget/Gross – $138–146 million / Domestic: $11,909,256 (Worldwide: $15,862,113)
(This is obviously incomplete, but, no joke, this is one of the biggest bombs in history. It is up there with things like Mars Needs Moms apparently as far as getting a $10 million opening weekend on a $150+ budget.)
Rotten Tomatoes – 38% (66/172): Whether Moonfall is so bad it’s good or simply bad will depend on your tolerance for B-movie cheese — but either way, this is an Emmerich disaster thriller through and through.
(The actual percentage was 39.8% and then switched to 39.6% when I originally generated this … this is how fine this is. But hey, it qualified on Thursday. This is Bad Movie Thursday. It was a bad movie on Thursday. That’s all we needed to hear. Rules rules rules. Nice to see it going down though.)
Reviewer Highlight: You’re going for the CGI destruction anyway, and even on those rubbly grounds, Moonfall is a disappointment, flitting by its destroyed vistas with a weird impatience. – Joshua Rothkopf, Entertainment Weekly
(Uhhh, what is this depicting? I assume the sphere is the moon… surrounded by clouds? And then astronauts floating in… space or maybe on earth? This really is like one of those taglines where I say it only looks like a tagline. This looks like a poster, but I assure you it is not. Still fun font and somewhat aesthetically pleasing. C-.)
Tagline(s) – In 2022, Humanity will face the dark side of the Moon. (B+)
(Yes, please. Thank you. I mean that is a double entendre for the ages my friends. I wish it was a little less clunky and long, but boy does that hit me where it hurts. But I always knew that exploring the extremities of tagline pleasure would be like hooks in my flesh tearing me apart.)
Top 10: Moonfall (2022), The Suicide Squad (2021), Interstellar (2014), F9: The Fast Saga (2021), Watchmen (2009), Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2 (2017), Transformers: The Last Knight (2017), Hidden Figures (2016), The Martian (2015), Oblivion (2013)
Future BMT: 66.8 Thunderbirds (2004), 61.0 Space Chimps (2008), 58.9 Apollo 18 (2011), 56.6 Land of the Lost (2009), 52.1 Green Lantern (2011), 44.9 Fantastic Four (2005), 44.7 Fly Me to the Moon 3D (2007), 42.9 Mission to Mars (2000), 42.2 Red Planet (2000), 32.1 Planet 51 (2009)
BMT: Moonfall (2022), Transformers: The Last Knight (2017), Armageddon (1998), X-Men: Dark Phoenix (2019), Event Horizon (1997), Geostorm (2017), Superman IV: The Quest for Peace (1987), The Space Between Us (2017), Species II (1998), Virus (1999), The Astronaut’s Wife (1999), Escape from Planet Earth (2012)
Matches: Moonfall (2022), Interstellar (2014), The Martian (2015), Ad Astra (2019), X-Men: Dark Phoenix (2019), Gravity (2013), Lucy in the Sky (2019), Apollo 13 (1995), Event Horizon (1997), Zathura: A Space Adventure (2005), Sunshine (2007), Moon (2009), Fantastic Four (2005), Deep Impact (1998), Stowaway (2021), First Man (2018), The Midnight Sky (2020), Planet of the Apes (2001), Terms of Endearment (1983), The Right Stuff (1983), Space Cowboys (2000), The Space Between Us (2017), SpaceCamp (1986), Red Planet (2000), Europa Report (2013), The Fantastic Four (1994), Species II (1998), 3022 (2019), Planet 51 (2009), Thunderbirds (2004), Apollo 18 (2011), Beyond the Stars (1989), The Astronaut’s Wife (1999), Escape from Planet Earth (2012), 400 Days (2015), Space Chimps (2008), The Astronaut Farmer (2006), Hangar 18 (1980), Approaching the Unknown (2016), Moontrap (1988), Capture the Flag (2015), Love (2011), The Aftermath (1982), Magellan (2017), Solar Crisis (1990), Space Warriors (2013), Dark Breed (1996), Inhumanwich! (2016), The Last Astronaut (2019), One Under the Sun (2017), 50 Ways to Leave Your Lover (2004), The Astronot (2018), Another Plan from Outer Space (2018), Hyper Space (1989), Speedwagon (2015)
(I kind of love this graphic because you can convince yourself that the reasoning behind why it climbs so swiftly in the late 90s is CGI. Should we be doing Mission to Mars and Red Planet together with one as a bonus? Seems like an opportunity there.)
Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 15) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Halle Berry is No. 1 billed in Moonfall and No. 1 billed in Perfect Stranger, which also stars Giovanni Ribisi (No. 3 billed) who is in Gone in Sixty Seconds (No. 2 billed) which also stars Nicolas Cage (No. 1 billed) who is in The Wicker Man (No. 1 billed) which also stars Leelee Sobieski (No. 5 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 1 billed) => (1 + 1) + (3 + 2) + (1 + 1) + (5 + 1) = 15. If we were to watch Insidious: Chapter 2, and Wicker Park we can get the HoE Number down to 11.
Notes – In the scene where KC is presenting information to a small group of people at a hotel, the wallpaper pattern in that hotel matches the iconic wallpaper pattern in The Shining. This seems to be a nod to the rumor that the moon landing was fake and directed by Stanley Kubrick (director of The Shining).
Josh Gad was originally cast as KC Houseman, but dropped out of the film due to scheduling conflicts.
Bad Movie Twins 