Jamie
It was Morbin’ Time with Morbius. We dined out at Madame Web’s. If you thought for one second we weren’t going to go cuckoo for some Kraven bits just because it was out in theaters for the end of year cycle then oh ho ho! You must not have been paying attention to the dining experience at Madame Web’s. Now… this had a lot to live up to. Last we saw of this “franchise” (Franchise Man Note: This is obviously the Spider-man Villain franchise, so Jamie is correct here, however it also unfortunately includes the much more successful Venom films… which kind of spoils the fun of these one-off disasters… that’s just a Franchise Fact) Madame Web was donning the dopest sunglasses in the universe so… may as well pack it in and not even try, right? Pretty much.
To recap, Kaven is a hunter. He totally hunts people. Bad people, I guess. We see him hunt a dude and it’s cool and then we flash back to when he was a kid and that is decidedly less cool. Kraven’s dad is also a hunter. He also kind of sucks and everyone hates him. When his mother dies, he and his half-brother Dmitri are taken back to live with their father and become total baddies. On a hunting trip where there is a legendary lion that their dad is just jonesing to kill, Kraven is attacked by the lion and nearly killed. A young girl, Calypso, heals him with a magical serum which turns him into… Kraven the Hunter. Afterwards, his father is like “I totally killed that lion,” and that makes Kraven sad and he leaves Dmitri behind to go live in the wilderness. Flash forward and he’s still living in the wilderness. He’s a protector of nature and only ventures to London to see Dmitri and his father on occasion. During Dmitri’s latest birthday, Dmitri is kidnapped when people come to try to capture Kraven. Their father refuses to pay the ransom sent by the Rhino, the man behind the kidnapping who wants to overthrow the family’s criminal enterprise. It’s time to hunt. He’s tricked into heading to a secret hideout where the Rhino ambushes him, but Kraven escapes. The Rhino then sets the Foreigner on Kraven and hunts him to his sanctuary. During this whole thing Calypso is again helping Kraven… as a lawyer… like just a regular person now pretty much. Ultimately tracking down the ultimate hunter backfires as all the baddies are hunted and killed. He then kills his dad because he was in on it and is dismayed to find Dimitri is now a villain. Nooooooooo. THE END. (Or is it (you bet it is)).
There was a moment about 30 minutes into the longest intro that any film has ever had ever where I thought perhaps they had stumbled into another disasterpiece. I didn’t understand why they were doing this to us… and that felt right. However, after that it all just kind of fell apart. Definitely more Morbius than Madame Web. A couple cool set pieces and a bad guy that is at least serviceable can’t really save a rough script that at times completely lacked logic and an ending that was gobbledegook (see, once again: Morbius). It does feel like these films lacked a coherence that is startling. These are supposed to be the supervillains that populate the Sinister Six and yet… they are pretty much good guys? Why? It would have been a lot more refreshing if Kraven at least played the part. Make him a super hunter who is not afraid to go after the more dangerous game: poachers. He’s recruited to kill a supervillain and agrees because he’s intrigued, not because he thinks it’s right. Not that simple, I guess. Instead this was easily the blandest of the films and definitely felt like the end of the line.
Hot Take Clam Bake! I don’t think that Calypso serum did anything. This was all a Dumbo’s feather scenario and Kraven was Kraven the Hunter the whole time. He just had to believe in himself. His dad was making him feel like he wasn’t the Hunter, but just a hunter, and what you feel is what you are (you know?). But when he felt that serum touch his lips and this future lawyer said it was magic he totally was like “Yeah, yeah I do feel a little magic, now that you mention it.” All in all, what I’m trying to say is that he was never Kraven the Hunter anyway. He was just Kraven the Man. Thank you. Hot Take Temperature: Rhino.
Patrick?
Patrick
‘Ello everyone! *Gif of me in a totally rad fur vest just loungin’ on a throne like “what? You don’t know all about Patrick The Hunter?”* Let’s go!
The Good? Some of the performances are fun. I do like the character / villain of The Foreigner, that is a pretty weird performance, but at least interesting in the grand non-Spiderman film villains. I think that’s it.
The Bad? The film is very scattershot, often looks like crap, and doesn’t have a particularly good motivation for existing. We are asked, essentially, to care about late-stage Russell Crowe being a bad dad drug dad and keeping his drug empire from someone who quite literally transforms into a Rhinoceros? It is just something I don’t really care about. The DeBois character also feels completely superfluous, she doesn’t even really get a costume. The whole thing seems like them trying to put in the absolute bare minimum amount of work just to finish off this Sony contract once and for all.
The BMT? I think so. Madame Web is glorious. This isn’t quite that, but I still think there are bits there where you are like “oh like he’s literally a rhinoceros huh?” that does just enough for me to keep me going. It is really borderline, but I have a tough time thinking it is merely a bad movie. There is some there there, you know it when you see it.
The final one of the year (phew). So Last week I submitted the top 150 posters from 1990 in an attempt to find posters with clowns. This time? I’m doing the same thing, but splitting it up into groups of 10. My hypothesis would have been that this would result in more false positives since the model won’t lose context / get overwhelmed by stronger clownish posters.
And indeed that is basically what happened. Index (1,8) is Child’s Play 2 and (7,1) is Quick Change. But then it also thinks Drop Dead Fred (10,8) has a clown (it doesn’t, although Fred does appear quite clownish), and Child’s Play 3 (15,7) which I assume is just because Chucky looks crazy in that one. The other false positives are just busy posters as usual. I don’t know, it feels like it did pretty well with 100+ posters, but at the same time am I confident it isn’t missing false negatives? I’m not sure. Do I care? … I’m not sure about that either. Stay tuned in the new year.
Setting as a Character (Where?) for far eastern Russia, which is definitely a place I don’t remember seeing many films set before. Obviously, all of these things need a MacGuffin (Why?), in this case it is all about Nikolai Kravinoff’s drug empire (obviously). And a great Worst Twist (How?) for the ultimate reveal that Kraven’s brother has been transformed into Chameleon, which is a villain we’ll never ever see again I assume. This film isn’t as good as Madame Web, but I still think there is enough there to be BMT worthy in the end.
Read all about hunting I guess in the Quiz. Cheerios,
The Sklogs









