The Three Musketeers was my personal favorite of the picks for this Now a Major Motion Picture cycle. There are three keys to getting a perfect Now a Major Motion Picture media tie-in edition of a book. First, it has to say something like “Now a Major Motion Picture” on the front cover. Second, it has to have a picture of the actors on the cover (or at the very least a version of the poster for the film). Third, and potentially most important, it has to have the credits for the film on the back cover. If you get those three things you have a perfect media tie-in. The Three Musketeers had all three of these (so as I read I could gander at Keifer Sutherland’s beautiful face) while also being the unabridged version of a classic. A classic from which the adaptation depicted on the cover deviates significantly. My short review of the book: it’s fun! Like an old school adventure novel. Has the feel of almost improvisation at times which is probably because, like the Bad Movie Twins story, it was being written as a serial. Really fun.
To recap, our boy D’Artagnan is heading on to grand Paris to join up with the Musketeers. Unbeknownst to him Cardinal Richelieu has used his influence over the young King Louis XIII to disband the Musketeers… all but three (but which three, I wonder). Arriving in Paris he immediately gets into it with Athos, Porthos and Aramis and finds himself in a duel with them. This is rudely interrupted by the Cardinal’s guards and D’Artagnan acquits himself quite well dueling them. Unfortunately he is captured as more guards arrive. After escaping his cell, D’Artagnan overhears a plan by the Cardinal to form a treaty with the Duke of Buckingham with the ultimate goal to supplant the King. After being sentenced to death, D’Artagnan is rescued by the Three Musketeers, who boldly ride off in a big ol’ action set piece. They agree that they should intercept the treaty and save the day. When they are attacked by the Cardinal’s forces, the gang splits up and eventually D’Artagnan falls into the clutches of Milady. Bum bum bum. He is smitten because she is so beautiful and evil. Eventually the Three Musketeers capture her and the treaty and she reveals the Cardinal’s plot to assassinate the King before throwing herself from a cliff. Athos is devastated because she was so beautiful and evil. They all rally the Musketeers across the land and arrive at the King’s birthday celebration just in time to interrupt the assassination. They fight a whole bunch. They kill people left and right and are almost killed themselves. Eventually they win and D’Artagnan becomes a Musketeer and wins the heart of his beautiful and good lady love. THE END.
I can’t change who I am. This movie is fun and all them critics are a bunch of Debby Downers wanting us to watch The Remains of the Day or whatever. “Why do we need another Three Musketeers adaptation?” they cry. I’ll tell you why. Fun. The book is a gosh darn adventure classic and you’re like, ‘nah’? Get out of here with that. Now, is this a perfect movie? Alas, no. The cadre of actors they got for these parts are not exactly suited to the King’s English. The lines flow like molasses as they work their way through them. Rebecca De Morney has been good in some things (Never Talk to Strangers, anyone?). This is not one of them. Kill two birds with one stone and update the language, my guys. Then you’d have an answer for the reason the adaptation exists (besides being fun). You make it cool because the book is cool and it deserved a cool 90’s blockbuster adaptation. Anyway, I’ll leave you with this little hot take: I think Chris O’Donnell is actually very well cast in this. In fact the casting is great. It’s just that they didn’t do anyone any favors by trying to make they speak all old fashioned.
Patrick?
Patrick
‘Ello everyone! *gif of me swashbuckling around and wenching haaaaard* let’s go!
The Good? C’mon now, that cast! How did this movie claim a $30 million budget and that cast! The downside is Platt and Curry appear to be the only ones who know what movie they are in. The upside being Oliver Platt! Just wall the wall clowning around. This walked so Marvel could run. Sutherland appears to think he’s in a deathly serious adaptation of a classic piece of literature. Platt knows he’s doing a bit of buffoonery. The movie is just fun. It is genuinely like Pirate of the Caribbean. It seems it just took a while for the critics to get on the same wavelength.
The Bad? I guess, some might call the accent work non-existent because it is, and thus as an adaptation of one of our great works of literature it is an abomination. I would not be that person. I would be a person who would say Tim Curry, love the guy, but hooooo boy, it is maybe just a little too over the top for me. And De Mornay is something of a charisma black hole (although something tells me they hired her as Milady for a different reason…). This is tough because I liked the film, but I do see why in the early ‘90s critics would be like, “No no no! This is not how it is done!”
The BMT? In previous years there were basically two axes on which to judge BMT. Horribleness and Ridiculousness. A ridiculous movie would be something like Battlefield Earth. And a horrible movie would be something like Gods and Generals. Now Gods and Generals isn’t really considered BMT, it is considered Bad. So what is the equivalent for Good? Well, that’s the new category: gifability. This film is good, but it is also amazingly gifable at the same time. Porthos in particular is a gif machine. It is something you have to see to believe.
Rewatchable? For what’s aged the best I think just letting the actors use their own accents is an underrated choice. It is something maybe people should consider revisiting. It probably makes making the movie cheaper as well. Let Kiefer Kiefer, you know? The heat check in the movie I think is Julie Delphy, it is a bit jarring to realize she’s in it. The “that guy” award goes to Michael Wincott who has been in several BMT and BMT adjacent films from that era, like 1492, The Crow, and Along Came a Spider. And finally obviously Tim Curry gets the overacting award.
Amazingly we do not get a Planchet award. The character doesn’t even appear. I think he was replaced by the rando who keeps trying to duel D’Artagnan and mostly just looks pale and laughs dumbly at him before being embarrassed. Setting as a Character (Where?) sure, for Paris. And I guess for the time we have a Secret Holiday Film (When?) for the king’s birthday which, at least in England, would certainly be considered a holiday. But that is it. The film is Good and I’ll duel anyone who dares suggest otherwise.
“So it’s like the Bad Movie Twins meets Frankenstein and the Wolfman?” Patrick’s new publisher Richard Computer says, a look of intense concentration on his face. Uncertain about how his improvised pitch is going, Jamie takes off his glasses and sighs deeply, hoping to lend an air of gravitas to everything he’s saying. “Frankenstein’s monster actually,” he corrects. Richard turns and looks out the window, saying with a tone of disappointment in his voice, “Yes, well, unfortunately Frankenstein’s monster is out this season. If it were Frankenstein I might be more interested. As for Wolfmen, well they haven’t been in since 1994.” At that Richard laughs heartily and Jamie curses his bad luck. Patrick jumps in, annoyed at Jamie’s gaffe. “Yes, well really the monsters are only a minor aspect of the story. In fact, I think my co-author here forgot that we removed them entirely in the latest draft,” Patrick really gives Jamie the stink eye as he says that. Richard looks skeptical, but eventually leans back in his chair, “continue.” Jamie launches into a jazz-like riff on the exact length of the novel and how the chapters are laid out. “The chapters are exactly the length for optimal satisfaction. Not too long. Not too short. Bee-dee-doo-bah-doo-bop.” Patrick is aghast. “Mannequins,” Kyle says suddenly while spinning a globe idly in the corner. “Excuse me?” Richard asks, now truly confused. “Patrick, who are these people? Where is your book? You do have a book, don’t you? Because we gave you a pretty hefty advance on this.” The vibes in the room are not good and Patrick has to think fast. “I’m sorry, Richard,” Patrick starts as Jamie holds his breath, “I think you misunderstand what is happening here. We are The Three Musketeers.” And with that, he begins. That’s right! We’re are watching the 1993 mousterpiece The Three Musketeers. I only know this from the dope cover of my media tie-in edition of a stone cold classic. My beautiful boys looking up at me while I read. It’s perfect. Let’s go!
The Three Musketeers (1993) – BMeTric: 20.9; Notability: 46
StreetCreditReport.com –BMeTric: top 22.4%; Notability: top 3.6%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 21.6%; Higher BMeT: Super Mario Bros., RoboCop 3, Jason Goes to Hell: The Final Friday, Look Who’s Talking Now, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III, Mr. Nanny, Body of Evidence, Cop & ½, Beethoven’s 2nd, Sliver, Weekend at Bernie’s II, Even Cowgirls Get the Blues, Boxing Helena, Son of the Pink Panther, The Beverly Hillbillies, Made in America, Carnosaur, Pumpkinhead II: Blood Wings, Surf Ninjas, Boiling Point, and 36 more; Higher Notability: Sister Act 2: Back in the Habit, Rising Sun, Life with Mikey, The Meteor Man, Loaded Weapon 1, Son of the Pink Panther, RoboCop 3, For Love or Money, Super Mario Bros.; Lower RT: Look Who’s Talking Now, Warlock: The Armageddon, Mr. Nanny, Son of the Pink Panther, Body of Evidence, RoboCop 3, Hexed, Best of the Best II, Ghost in the Machine, Father Hood, Calendar Girl, Weekend at Bernie’s II, My Boyfriend’s Back, Only the Strong, Fatal Instinct, Cop & ½, Ernest Rides Again, Jason Goes to Hell: The Final Friday, Another Stakeout, Boxing Helena, and 32 more; Notes: We have a perfect split, 10/20 top BMeT films watched. But I’m really quite enamored with the idea of eventually doing Sister Act 2. That had the highest Notability? That feels really crazy. Only played 13 times on television in the ‘90s, mostly on the Disney channel (naturally), probably because it was somewhat violent and a full throated 2 hours long.
RogerEbert.com – 2 stars – Is there a compelling need for another version of “The Three Musketeers?” The first task of the new version would be to convince us the answer is yes – and this new “Musketeers” never does. It must have been great fun to make it (what young actor doesn’t want to dash around on horseback and engage in swashbuckling swordfights?), but it’s not that much fun to watch. It’s all sound and energy, without plan or meaning.
(I mean, sure. A little like the Ben-Hur film from 2016 I guess. My counter? The film is just fun! And I think making a “Disney” version of a major swashbuckling novel, a novel children can and could not read for the most part, is argument enough. I think the question is actually inverted. Have we made a children’s version of The Three Musketeers yet? No? Then let’s do it.)
(YES, A VHS TRAILER. There is certainly a lot of killing and smooching in this Disney film. If I’m not mistaken they are using the Goonies theme in the background? At least something really close to it. I really really remember the Platt waxing his sword around … was this on some clamshell VHS we owned?)
Directors – Stephen Herek – ( Known For: Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure; 101 Dalmatians; Rock Star; Mr. Holland’s Opus; Critters; Our Little Secret; Afterlife of the Party; Dog Gone; The Great Gilly Hopkins; The Chaperone; Future BMT: Don’t Tell Mom the Babysitter’s Dead; Life or Something Like It; Man of the House; Holy Man; BMT: The Mighty Ducks; The Three Musketeers; Notes: Wow, he did The Mighty Ducks as well. He was churning out Disney hits. If anything him directing Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure makes him a legend.)
Writers – Alexandre Dumas – ( Known For: The Count of Monte Cristo; The Count of Monte-Cristo; The Three Musketeers – Part I: D’Artagnan; The Three Musketeers; Queen Margot; The Four Musketeers; The Three Musketeers – Part II: Milady; The Three Musketeers; The Return of the Musketeers; The Count of Monte Cristo; The Black Tulip; The Man in the Iron Mask; Black Magic; The Iron Mask; The Count of Monte Cristo; The Three Musketeers; The Son of Monte Cristo; The Fifth Musketeer; The Corsican Brothers; The Return of the Musketeers, or The Treasures of Cardinal Mazarin; Future BMT: The Man in the Iron Mask; BMT: The Three Musketeers; The Three Musketeers; The Musketeer; Notes: HA. Well, we are almost done with the Musketeer series. A wonder if it the only series to produce a bad film I suppose.)
David Loughery – ( Known For: Lakeview Terrace; Dreamscape; Fatale; Nurse; End of the Road; Shattered; Blindsided; Flashback; Future BMT: Passenger 57; Obsessed; Tom and Huck; BMT: Star Trek V: The Final Frontier; The Three Musketeers; The Intruder; Notes: Flashback is funny because I’ve been annotating adverts in the New York Times and you see the craziest films you’ve never heard of with full page advertisements. That was one of them. Another Kiefer naturally. Also funny to see connections. He wrote three episodes of Time Trax, an obscure Australian show from 1993. They also produced the Bill & Ted series in 1992. Could that be why Herek hired him? This is their only overlap in general though.)
Actors – Charlie Sheen – ( Known For: Platoon; Ferris Bueller’s Day Off; Being John Malkovich; Wall Street; Hot Shots!; Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps; Hot Shots! Part Deux; Badlands; Major League; Young Guns; Red Dawn; The Arrival; Eight Men Out; The Chase; The Wraith; Lucas; Foodfight!; Beyond the Law; Good Advice; Cadence; Future BMT: Due Date; Scary Movie 3; Scary Movie 4; Machete Kills; Loaded Weapon 1; Money Talks; The Rookie; Men at Work; The Big Bounce; Madea’s Witness Protection; All Dogs Go to Heaven 2; Shadow Conspiracy; BMT: Scary Movie 5; The Three Musketeers; Major League II; Navy Seals; Terminal Velocity; Notes: Nominated for four Emmys for Two and a Half Men. Yeah we have a ton of his films to go. Too bad The Chase isn’t one of them, it is at 43% on Rotten Tomatoes.)
Kiefer Sutherland – ( Known For: Stand by Me; A Few Good Men; Phone Booth; Dark City; Melancholia; A Time to Kill; Monsters vs. Aliens; The Lost Boys; Juror #2; Twin Peaks: Fire Walk with Me; Flatliners; Young Guns; They Cloned Tyrone; The Contractor; Freeway; The Vanishing; At Close Range; Twin Peaks: The Missing Pieces; The Reluctant Fundamentalist; Forsaken; Future BMT: Mirrors; Taking Lives; The Sentinel; The Wild; Eye for an Eye; The Cowboy Way; Renegades; The Nutcracker Prince; BMT: Pompeii; Zoolander 2; The Three Musketeers; Flatliners; Young Guns II; Marmaduke; Notes: Nominated 11 times for Emmys for acting and producing 24. For the fifth season they won both lead actor and best series. Which seems crazy. I watched all those. I suppose that was probably the Itzin year which was indeed probably the best end-to-end season they had.)
Chris O’Donnell – ( Known For: Scent of a Woman; Fried Green Tomatoes; Vertical Limit; Kinsey; School Ties; Cookie’s Fortune; Circle of Friends; Blue Sky; Kit Kittredge: An American Girl; A Little Help; Men Don’t Leave; 29 Palms; The Sisters; Future BMT: The Bachelor; Cats & Dogs: The Revenge of Kitty Galore; Mad Love; BMT: Batman & Robin; Batman Forever; Max Payne; The Three Musketeers; The Chamber; In Love and War; Notes: Strange actor. Definitively a leading man in the ‘90s, and eventually just settled into 323 episodes of NCIS: Los Angeles. The funniest part being in the cross-over soft pilot for NCIS: Los Angeles he’s basically killed at the end. Naturally he comes back, but they clearly anticipated maybe having to recast with a different lead.)
Budget/Gross – $30 million / Domestic: $53,898,845 (Worldwide: $53,898,845)
(Hooooooooooooooo doggie. First of all, that budget? I don’t believe you. Have you seen this cast? That’s absurd and insulting. But my god that box office take? How doesn’t this get a worldwide release? What are we doing here Disney? What are you thinking? This is truly mind exploding. Wikipedia claims it just creeped over $100 million worldwide based off a Variety article from 1994 which I do not have access to. Curious.)
Rotten Tomatoes – 31% (9/29): Its starry trio of do-gooders may promise to fight “one for all, all for one,” but this Three Musketeers is a slickly unmemorable update bound to satisfy very few.
(That isn’t unfair. I do think by being a mismash of ideas mostly from other adaptations (and not the book) you do end up with something that isn’t memorable beyond a series of insane gifs generated by Platt’s antics.)
Reviewer Highlight: All this nonsense would be news to Dumas, whose grave is surely spinning as his musketeers – sucked dry of high drama and low wit – go kicking and screaming into the wonderful world of Disney. – Peter Travers, Rolling Stone
(Hey that’s the cover of my book. Like Krippendorf’s Tribe’s all white poster, there are general color schemes that I’m not super into. A mostly black poster is one of them. I want something a little more interesting. And speaking along those lines, this is just too generic to get excited about. Sure the layout is fine, but where’s the zazz, you know? C)
Tagline(s) – All for one and one for all! (C)
A place of betrayal. The fate of a king. A time for heroes. (B+)
(The first one is more of a requirement than a tagline. The second I’m more into. A set of three. I like the second and third. Could use a little wordplay. I also am bumping up against the first one a little. A place of betrayal… I’m not sure I know what they are going for there. But I applaud the effort.)
Top 10: Fight Club (1999), Forrest Gump (1994), The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring (2001), The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King (2003), The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers (2002), The Wolf of Wall Street (2013), The Silence of the Lambs (1991), Shutter Island (2010), Schindler’s List (1993), The Prestige (2006)
Future BMT: 74.9 The Turning (2020), 72.6 Zoom (2006), 69.6 Gulliver’s Travels (2010), 67.3 Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen (2004), 66.3 102 Dalmatians (2000), 65.3 Diary of a Wimpy Kid: The Long Haul (2017), 64.2 Valentine (2001), 57.9 The NeverEnding Story II: The Next Chapter (1990), 55.5 Hanging Up (2000), 55.4 Eye of the Beholder (1999), 55.2 Snow Dogs (2002), 54.3 The Divorce (2003), 53.9 Abandon (2002), 53.3 The Stepford Wives (2004), 52.4 Addicted (2014), 50.8 Freedomland (2006), 50.0 Kull: The Conqueror (1997), 49.9 King Solomon’s Mines (1985), 49.5 Thomas and the Magic Railroad (2000), 48.7 The Jungle Book 2 (2003)
BMT: Battlefield Earth (2000), Dragonball Evolution (2009), Cats (2019), Left Behind (2014), Fifty Shades of Grey (2015), Jaws 3-D (1983), One Missed Call (2008), Fifty Shades Darker (2017), Fifty Shades Freed (2018), The Bye Bye Man (2017), The Twilight Saga: New Moon (2009), Striptease (1996), The Island of Dr. Moreau (1996), Firestarter (2022), The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1 (2011), Tarot (2024), Meg 2: The Trench (2023), The Haunting (1999), Fair Game (1995), Eragon (2006), After We Fell (2021), North (1994), Monkeybone (2001), The Rage: Carrie 2 (1999), Conan the Barbarian (2011), After Ever Happy (2022), Exorcist: The Beginning (2004), An American Haunting (2005), The Snowman (2017), The Seeker: The Dark Is Rising (2007), Sliver (1993), Pinocchio (2002), The Musketeer (2001), Shanghai Surprise (1986), Get Carter (2000), Exit to Eden (1994), After (2019), Alex Cross (2012), Queen of the Damned (2002), Congo (1995), One for the Money (2012), The Ring Two (2005), The Circle (2017), Return to the Blue Lagoon (1991), Bless the Child (2000), Dreamcatcher (2003), Babylon A.D. (2008), I Love You, Beth Cooper (2009), Seventh Son (2014), Beastly (2011), Mortdecai (2015), Endless Love (1981), …
Best Options (Action): 72.6 Zoom (2006), 50.0 Kull: The Conqueror (1997), 49.9 King Solomon’s Mines (1985), 46.5 The Rhythm Section (2020), 44.4 That Darn Cat (1997), 44.2 The Divergent Series: Allegiant (2016), 44.1 Boiling Point (1993), 42.9 Yor: The Hunter from the Future (1983), 42.8 Pan (2015), 41.1 V.I. Warshawski (1991), 41.0 The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen (2003), 40.7 The Mortal Instruments: City of Bones (2013), 39.4 Stroker Ace (1983), 38.9 When Time Ran Out… (1980), 38.4 Desperate Hours (1990), 38.4 Cirque du Freak: The Vampire’s Assistant (2009), 37.3 Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter (2012), 36.6 Air America (1990), 35.3 The Fan (1996), 34.9 Hero and the Terror (1988), 33.8 The Time Machine (2002), 31.5 The Getaway (1994), 31.0 Van Helsing (2004), 30.6 Mortal Engines (2018), 30.3 Sahara (2005), 29.2 The Sentinel (2006), 29.1 The Girl in the Spider’s Web (2018), 27.8 The Divergent Series: Insurgent (2015), 27.7 Inferno (2016), 27.7 The Legend of Tarzan (2016), 27.6 Jack Reacher: Never Go Back (2016), 27.6 Next (2007), 27.1 American Assassin (2017), 26.9 Trapped (2002), 26.7 The Eagle (2011), 26.7 The Saint (1997), 25.6 Miracle at St. Anna (2008), 24.6 King Arthur (2004), 23.8 The November Man (2014), 23.5 Revenge (1990), 23.5 Proof of Life (2000), 22.3 Year of the Gun (1991), 21.7 The Jackal (1997), 21.0 Malone (1987), 20.9 The Three Musketeers (1993), …
(Sahara was on the radar, but as far as Dirk novels go it is kind of in the middle of the series. Same with Reacher. A lot of these are borderline (League of Extraordinary Gentlemen), or wouldn’t have a “Now a Major Motion Picture” book available. This one did though and is a classic in its own way.)
Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 16) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Chris O’Donnell is No. 1 billed in The Three Musketeers and No. 2 billed in In Love and War, which also stars Sandra Bullock (No. 1 billed) who is in Demolition Man (No. 3 billed) which also stars Sylvester Stallone (No. 1 billed) who is in The Expendables 3 (No. 1 billed) which also stars Jason Statham (No. 2 billed) who is in In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale (No. 1 billed) which also stars Leelee Sobieski (No. 3 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 1 billed) => (1 + 2) + (1 + 3) + (1 + 1) + (2 + 1) + (3 + 1) = 16. If we were to watch Eye for an Eye we can get the HoE Number down to 12.
Notes – Kiefer Sutherland, Chris O’Donnell, and Oliver Platt all endured six weeks of fencing and riding lessons. Charlie Sheen missed out on all of this, as he was then embroiled in the filming of Hot Shots! Part Deux (1993).
The dungeon scenes were filmed at Seegrotte, Austria, an old mine which was flooded early in 1900s due to an underground water source and was later used by the Nazi’s during World War II to conduct military research. The site is now open to the public and famous for its underground lake. The scene decoration of one of the prison cells, as well as the dragon-head boat are still kept intact at Seegrotte and can be visited.
After filming, Chris O’Donnell kept his sword. He jokingly claims this was by accident.
Mostly shot in Perchtoldsdorf, Austria, where Rebecca De Mornay attended high school and college.
Gabrielle Anwar was pregnant during filming and had to have her costumes let out.
Awards – Nominee for the Razzie Award for Worst Supporting Actor (Chris O’Donnell)
I often try to reflect on the imprint that the latest BMT films had on the younger me who experienced their release in real time. Jury Duty is a perfect example. Huge in my mind. Tiny tiny in the actual cultural impact. Seagal represents an inversion of sorts. I’ve found that many people have a real connection to watching Seagal films on cable growing up. Something like Under Siege 2: Dark Territory can loom larger in their minds than the original. Not so for me. I don’t know if it was good upbringing or our exquisite taste, but Seagal almost had no actual presence in my mind. I don’t think I had ever seen a Seagal film until BMT… not a starring vehicle at least. Despite now having seen quite a few, we still have a lot to catch up on.
To recap, Ryback is back, Jack! And he’s cutting it up once again. Still a chef (obviously), but he’s a bit sad. His brother died in an airplane crash and left his niece an orphan. It’s all up to him to take care of her, but he hasn’t seen her in a while. He also has to take a train from Denver to LA with her to attend the funeral because she’s now scared of air travel. I’m sure this will be an uneventful train ride for good ol’ Ryback, right? Wrong! That’s because some big bad terrorists are along for the ride ready to hijack an earthquake satellite and hold the world hostage! This is real. This is happening. Travis Dane is the disgraced creator of the satellite who is going to use his big brain to get it back and he’s going to use… dark territory to do it. What’s that? Thanks for asking, it is the area that this train will go through where it won’t be in contact with the operators and they can keep things secret. Anyway, Ryback’s niece is taken hostage and so he recruits a porter, Bobby, to help take down the terrorists one-by-one. And boy, do they. They are chopping them. They are shooting them. They are tricking them. The terrorists are shaking in their boots at the mere mention of Ryback’s name and Ryback is able to help the hostages escape. But with Dane’s haxxors skillz he’s also able to destroy all kinds of stuff and sets the satellite on the Pentagon. With his job done he attempts to escape, but Ryback catches him, destroys his laptop (allowing the government to destroy the satellite), and right before the train crashes is able to jump into a helicopter, leaving Dane to plummet to his death. THE END (or is it? (isn’t it?)).
Boy, this is a tricky one. On the one hand this is an objectively shit film with a terrible plot and a star that cannot act his way out of a paper bag. Seagal was deep into his extended Difficult Period and you can tell. There are literally scenes that make no sense and shouldn’t be in the film, but you get the sense that he insisted and the filmmakers were like “whatever.” His scenes with Heigl are… fraught. There is not a female body that they don’t dare to ogle. All that being said, this is straight-to-video brain candy unleashed on the big screen. It’s kind of the precursor to films like Moonfall and The Beekeeper where you have to admit that there is something to a film that is unabashedly pure entertainment. I’m not going to say it’s good and if I were a serious critic I would be like “no way, no how.” But I’m not. This was fun to watch.
Hot Take Clam Bake! I’m going serious on this one. There is a scene in this film where Morris Chestnut is recruited by Seagal to take on the terrorists and he reacts in disbelief. “But, you’re just a cook!” he exclaims. How does he know this? Well earlier in the film he and Chestnut are cutting it up in the bar area and Seagal tells the bartender not to give Chestnut all the brandy because he needs it to bake a cake. Smash cut to him making a cake in the microwave as Chestnut looks on. This scene is… well, extraneous is probably even being too kind. It’s insane that it’s in a major motion picture. My hot take is that Seagal only clocks the brandy to make it make sense that Chestnut is then watching him bake said cake, which in turn allows Chestnut to gain the knowledge of Seagal’s background. It is entirely constructed because someone, somewhere was like “Wait… how does he know he’s a cook?” It’s honestly beautiful. Hot Take Temperature: Microwave Cake.
Patrick?
Patrick
‘Ello everyone! *gif of me hanging off the side of a train and totally akidoing people to death* Let’s go!
The Good? I mean … there is kind of an argument here that this is a good Seagal movie. That isn’t saying much, but it is an incredibly wild film. As you watch it you want there to be hundreds of these types of films available. And yet, there isn’t. Out of every 100 VHS releases there is generously one Crackerjack in the bunch. Under Siege 2 is a bad wide release film (an absurdity even), but a VHS rental? An afternoon HBO film? Uh … cha, it does it for me.
The Bad? The film is absurd! The bad guy is absurder! He might be the most absurd actually. Is that a bad thing? Well, depends on your perspective. There is the Seagal of it all, and the harrowing experience of watching him interact with a young woman in the form of Katherine Heigel. But all of the bad can, in a way, be good.
The BMT? I mean, is it the best train film in the BMT canon? Maybe. It is a great train film. And of all the Seagal films when you actually think about it, it might be the third most entertaining. For a trilogy just smashing out Under Siege, Under Siege 2, and Executive Decision (and pretending like they filmed the actual tragic death of Stephen Seagal) is a decent option.
Oh snap, time to continue down the AI analysis journey. Last time I was looking at whether the order of the posters mattered when trying to pull out the ones that feature a clown. This is just about the same analysis, except I just ran 100 permutations, just to see if there was a pattern to when zero, one, or two posters are pulled out:
The green dots are both, the red none, and the black is Quick Change but not Child’s Play 2. The only real pattern is that Child’s Play has to be very near or after Quick Change to be ignored, which is interesting. In the end it does indicate the position mostly doesn’t matter, but you probably want to permute and run more than once to get accurate results. I would also say you should do more posters not less, I think it very much cuts down on the false positives … although maybe if you were looking for something common it would end up having more false negatives or something. I guess I’ll have to test that.
A Kinda Planchet (Who?) for Morris Chestnut who is kind of hapless throughout, but he is integrated into the hero crew™ pretty quickly. I’m going to go with a recently rare Product Placement (What?) for the sweet Panasonic Mash XBS boombox featured in the lone sex scene of the film. I do love the Setting as a Character (Where?) for the titular Dark Territory which appears to be in the Rocky Mountains just west of Denver, I think. Not really any MacGuffins or even twists amazingly. This is one of the most BMT films I’ve ever seen.
Oooooo what can we learn about satellites and dark territories? Find out in the Quiz. Cheerios,
What is the term for locations where you can get dazzling views of stars due to low levels of light pollution? Dark sky? I don’t think so, I thought it was dark territories. Let’s go!
Pop Quiz Hot Shot!
1) The director of Under Siege 2 is Geoff Murphy, who is from Wellington, New Zealand. Wellington is the third largest city in New Zealand. Name the two largest cities.
2) The movie was the first feature writing credit for Matt Reeves. He partially broke out as a director on what J.J. Abrams produced creature feature?
3) This is a definitive “Die Hard on a Blank” film. It is Die Hard on the Train. If I were to describe a late 90s comedy starring Brendan Fraser as Die Hard in a Radio Station, what movie would I be talking about?
4) I forgot but Steven Seagal wrote the song which appears at the end. The lyrics are very literal. It was co-written by Gregg Allman of the Allman Brothers, who (among 8 marriages) was married to what Academy Award winning pop icon?
5) The film starts in Denver, Colorado. Between 1858 and 1862 there was a gold rush at what mountain which was named after a man named Zebulon?
Bonus NYTimes Listing Question: Under Siege 2: Dark Territory debuted on HBO on July 20, 1996 in primetime. It went up against this movie on Showtime. What is it?
Turns out she was right and by “now” she meant at this current moment. In a little known bylaw from 1897, Hallston had made it possible to get on a jury simply by asking. When Jamie showed up at the courthouse, Ms. LaRouche gave the thumbs up and the county prosecutor begrudgingly agreed as well because Jamie seemed so sad (like really sad). Besides, the case was a slam dunk. That’s how Jamie found himself sequestered in a motel, Patrick miles away in a farmhouse writing his thrillers (and erotic thrillers under a pseudonym) in peace. “Do you know what this case is about?” Jamie asks his neighbor in the jury box, an elderly man with white hair, a mustache and wearing a plaid shirt. The man says nothing. Jamie turns to his other neighbor, an elderly man with white hair, a mustache and wearing a plaid shirt. Same result. He attempts to get Ms. LaRouche’s attention. “Psst,” he pssts loudly. She pretends not to hear him. He guesses he’ll have to actually pay attention to find out and begins to regret having joined jury duty. Probably be boring. “… and the prosecution will, of course, be seeking the death penalty,” the prosecutor suddenly says and Jamie stands up in shock. “Yes?” asks the judge, annoyed. “Uh,” Jamie says, flustered. He looks at Ms. LaRouche for help and sees she’s holding up a pad of paper with the words “murder scene.” “May I see the murder scene?” he asks timidly. The judge looks at Jamie to scold him and pound his gavel… hard, but then he sees how ridiculously sad Jamie looks. ‘What the hell,’ he thinks. The case is a slam dunk, right? “Alright, alright. Pack up this jury and we’ll head out to Dark Territory.” Ms. LaRouche smiles slyly. That’s right! Finally! Finally we are picking up one of the Steven Seagal films we have hanging. This is by far his biggest BMT. A sequel to a smash hit and one of the best subtitles of all time. Under Siege 2: Dark Territory. It’s beautiful. Let’s go!
Under Siege 2: Dark Territory (1995) – BMeTric: 45.2; Notability: 79
StreetCreditReport.com –BMeTric: top 7.6%; Notability: top 0.8%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 29.0%; Higher BMeT: Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers, Lawnmower Man 2: Beyond Cyberspace, Vampire in Brooklyn, Fair Game, Showgirls, Jury Duty, Theodore Rex, Congo, The Babysitter, Mighty Morphin Power Rangers, A Kid in King Arthur’s Court, Judge Dredd, The Scarlet Letter, Nine Months, Virtuosity, Johnny Mnemonic, Candyman: Farewell to the Flesh, Jade, Top Dog; Higher Notability: Congo, Judge Dredd; Lower RT: The Big Green, Jury Duty, National Lampoon’s Senior Trip, Theodore Rex, Top Dog, Delta of Venus, Born to Be Wild, A Pyromaniac’s Love Story, A Kid in King Arthur’s Court, The Hunted, Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers, It Takes Two, The Tie That Binds, Dracula: Dead and Loving It, Vampire in Brooklyn, Fair Game, The Scarlet Letter, Four Rooms, Man of the House, Three Wishes, and 51 more; Notes: Huge Notability. The others, Congo (played 59 times) and Judge Dredd (played 27 times), were both big on 90s television. This guy ran 32 times, which is pretty good. Premiered on HBO primetime on July 20th, 1996. That is almost exactly one year after release. Things were so simple those days…
RogerEbert.com – 3.0 stars – There is always the possibility of being surprised at the movies. … I was also amused by the film. It isn’t as good as the original “Under Siege,” but it moves quickly, has great stunts and special effects, and is a lot of fun. And I want one of those little Newtons. I need it for writing my memoirs and stuff.
(I love this version of Roger Ebert. He did have a way of being like … this is a fun action film right? Can’t we just all agree it is a fun action film though?)
(For the record the satellite does not have nuclear capabilities. I know you have to give a reference to the audience, but it would be nuclear-like capabilities. “The cook from Under Siege is back”. … “This time, the sky’s the limit” WAIT, you can’t think of a good train pun. C’mon! This time, he’s engineering justice. Something dumb. I don’t care. The sky’s the limit? What does that have to do with trains?)
Directors – Geoff Murphy – ( Known For: The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring; The Quiet Earth; Fortress 2: Re-Entry; Utu; Goodbye Pork Pie; Never Say Die; Spooked; Mauri; BMT: xXx: State of the Union; Under Siege 2: Dark Territory; Young Guns II; Freejack; Notes: Second unit director for Dante’s Peak. From New Zealand. Feels pretty sweet to complete this guy’s filmography … wait a tic, TMDb thinks he directed The Lord of the Rings? He was second unit director for the record.)
Writers – Richard Hatem – ( Known For: The Mothman Prophecies; BMT: Under Siege 2: Dark Territory; Notes: Those were his first two writing credits, and he basically did only television from that point forward.)
Matt Reeves – ( Known For: The Batman; War for the Planet of the Apes; Let Me In; The Yards; The Pallbearer; BMT: Under Siege 2: Dark Territory; Notes: Matt Reeves?! Genuinely like … how did Matt Reeves make it in Hollywood. All of his stuff is not super great until all of a sudden he writes Let Me In years after creating Felicity.)
J.F. Lawton – ( Known For: Pretty Woman; Under Siege; DOA: Dead or Alive; Cannibal Women in the Avocado Jungle of Death; Mistress; Pizza Man; Future BMT: Chain Reaction; Blankman; The Hunted; BMT: Under Siege 2: Dark Territory; Notes: DOA is a crazy, but you know what I’m most excited for? The Hunted starring Christopher Lambert.)
Actors – Steven Seagal – ( Known For: Machete; Under Siege; Executive Decision; Above the Law; The Onion Movie; The Patriot; Into the Sun; Ticker; Maximum Conviction; The Foreigner; The Keeper; Born to Raise Hell; Absolution; Sniper: Special Ops; Force of Execution; Beyond the Law; Code of Honor; The Perfect Weapon; End of a Gun; Contract to Kill; Future BMT: Out for Justice; Marked for Death; My Giant; BMT: Under Siege 2: Dark Territory; Exit Wounds; Hard to Kill; On Deadly Ground; The Glimmer Man; Fire Down Below; Half Past Dead; Notes: He seems like nightmare. I’ll say that every time. He seems like a genuinely bad person. Was a fun action hero of his time though.)
Eric Bogosian – ( Known For: Uncut Gems; Charlie’s Angels: Full Throttle; Reptile; Beavis and Butt-Head Do America; Dolores Claiborne; Deconstructing Harry; Igby Goes Down; Wonderland; Cadillac Records; The Stuff; Talk Radio; Ararat; Rebel in the Rye; Listen Up Philip; The Thief and the Cobbler; Heights; Safe Men; Office Killer; Born in Flames; Naked in New York; Future BMT: Blade: Trinity; Gossip; BMT: Under Siege 2: Dark Territory; Notes: Massachusetts guy. I was just looking up Blade: Trinity this week because it is a franchise with only one qualifying entry … quite an amusing potential cycle. I just don’t know if there is a romance option.)
Everett McGill – ( Known For: Licence to Kill; The Straight Story; Heartbreak Ridge; The People Under the Stairs; Silver Bullet; Quest for Fire; Brubaker; My Fellow Americans; Twin Peaks: The Missing Pieces; Yanks; Iguana; Union City; Jezebel’s Kiss; Field of Honor; Future BMT: Dune; BMT: Under Siege 2: Dark Territory; Notes: Twin Peaks is the main thing for this guy in my opinion … fine he did a few David Lynch things.)
Budget/Gross – $60 million / Domestic: $50,024,083 (Worldwide: $104,324,083)
(Hmmm, I mean, it does explain why it didn’t get a third film set on a plane I suppose. That is probably half of what you want.)
Rotten Tomatoes – 35% (11/31): Utterly forgettable and completely unnecessary, Under Siege 2 represents a steep comedown from its predecessor — and an unfortunate return to form for its star.
(Ha! Yeah, that sounds about right. I don’t think it is forgettable though. The train setting and the insanity of the villain is actually quite entertaining. It is just also unintentionally hilarious.)
NY Times Short Review: Dark and spectacularly dumb, with Travis vs. monstrous, grunning computer nerd. Feh.
(It’s not wrong that I think this is dope, right? Even if it’s basically a giant picture of notable terrible person Steven Seagal. Look at that little satellite blasting a train. It’s like a work of action art. A train themed font would have made this an A. But it’s still a solid B+.)
Tagline(s) – A top secret nuclear satellite. A team of international terrorists. A government held hostage. An undetectable moving headquarters. Only one hero stands in the way. (Zzzz)
(Sorry I fell asleep and couldn’t grade this. In fact I still haven’t read the whole thing and I think I’ll choose not to.)
Keyword(s) – top BMeT
Top 10: Fifty Shades of Grey (2015), The Twilight Saga: New Moon (2009), Green Lantern (2011), Batman & Robin (1997), Batman Forever (1995), The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1 (2011), Ghost Rider (2007), The Happening (2008), A Good Day to Die Hard (2013), The Mummy (2017)
Future BMT: 96.3 Disaster Movie (2008), 93.6 Date Movie (2006), 90.7 Vampires Suck (2010), 90.1 House of the Dead (2003), 89.0 BloodRayne (2005), 87.9 Winnie-the-Pooh: Blood and Honey (2023), 86.9 Street Fighter (1994), 86.6 The Adventures of Sharkboy and Lavagirl 3-D (2005), 84.1 Spy Kids 4: All the Time in the World (2011), 83.1 Inspector Gadget (1999), 81.5 You Got Served (2004), 80.0 Jonas Brothers: The 3D Concert Experience (2009), 80.0 Jeepers Creepers III (2017), 79.5 Daddy Day Camp (2007), 79.4 Home Alone 3 (1997), 79.3 Boogeyman (2005), 78.7 Shark Night (2011), 78.2 The Oogieloves in the Big Balloon Adventure (2012), 78.1 Who’s Your Caddy? (2007), 78.0 Jeepers Creepers: Reborn (2022)
BMT: Epic Movie (2007), Meet the Spartans (2008), Battlefield Earth (2000), Dragonball Evolution (2009), Catwoman (2004), Jack and Jill (2011), Batman & Robin (1997), Son of the Mask (2005), The Room (2003), The Emoji Movie (2017), Cats (2019), Gigli (2003), Scary Movie V (2013), Alone in the Dark (2005), Jaws: The Revenge (1987), The Last Airbender (2010), Mortal Kombat: Annihilation (1997), The Wicker Man (2006), Manos: The Hands of Fate (1966), Madame Web (2024), Superman IV: The Quest for Peace (1987), Fifty Shades of Grey (2015), Speed 2: Cruise Control (1997), Slender Man (2018), Dumb and Dumberer: When Harry Met Lloyd (2003), Jaws 3-D (1983), Troll 2 (1990), The Love Guru (2008), Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2 (2004), In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale (2007), The Cat in the Hat (2003), The Avengers (1998), Crossroads (2002), Halloween: Resurrection (2002), The Fog (2005), Fantastic Four (2015), Rollerball (2002), Baby Geniuses (1999), Spice World (1997), From Justin to Kelly (2003), Dungeons & Dragons (2000), Norbit (2007), …
Best Options (Action): 90.1 House of the Dead (2003), 89.0 BloodRayne (2005), 86.9 Street Fighter (1994), 86.6 The Adventures of Sharkboy and Lavagirl 3-D (2005), 84.1 Spy Kids 4: All the Time in the World (2011), 83.1 Inspector Gadget (1999), 79.4 Home Alone 3 (1997), 78.7 Shark Night (2011), 75.2 Superhero Movie (2008), 74.2 The Spirit (2008), 72.6 The Next Karate Kid (1994), 72.4 Dance Flick (2009), 72.3 Zoom (2006), 72.3 Singham Again (2024), 70.9 Snatched (2017), 69.8 Delta Farce (2007), 69.1 Crossover (2006), 68.2 The Crow: City of Angels (1996), 68.1 Smokey and the Bandit Part 3 (1983), 68.1 Cats & Dogs: The Revenge of Kitty Galore (2010), 67.8 Thunderbirds (2004), 67.4 Turbo: A Power Rangers Movie (1997), 67.3 Max Steel (2016), 67.3 Mr. Nanny (1993), 66.1 The Cold Light of Day (2012), 64.2 Agent Cody Banks 2: Destination London (2004), 64.0 Underdog (2007), 63.9 Skinwalkers (2006), 62.2 The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor (2008), 60.5 Biker Boyz (2003), 60.3 Code Name: The Cleaner (2007), 59.9 Agent Cody Banks (2003), 59.3 Suburban Commando (1991), 58.6 Resident Evil: Retribution (2012), 58.2 See No Evil (2006), 58.0 Legion (2010), 58.0 The Transporter Refueled (2015), 57.4 3 Ninjas Kick Back (1994), 57.2 Robin Hood (2018), 56.9 Land of the Lost (2009), 56.7 The Karate Kid Part III (1989), 54.4 The Counselor (2013), 54.2 Spy Hard (1996), 52.4 Mighty Morphin Power Rangers (1995), 52.3 Dylan Dog: Dead of Night (2010), 51.7 McHale’s Navy (1997), 51.7 Kull the Conqueror (1997), 50.9 The Core (2003), 50.8 Your Highness (2011), 50.8 Resident Evil: The Final Chapter (2016), 50.6 Megaforce (1982), 50.5 3 Ninjas (1992), 50.5 Cop Out (2010), 50.4 The Last Legion (2007)
(But wait a minute, this movie isn’t there?! Yeah, you see the actual cycle is “How haven’t se done this?!” but that like … isn’t a thing. So for now I just wanted to get a sense of how we were doing on the 50+ BMeTric films. This is probably the best we had, with something like The Karate Kid Part III or Biker Boyz being pretty decent alternatives.)
Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 15) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Steven Seagal is No. 1 billed in Under Siege 2: Dark Territory and No. 1 billed in Exit Wounds, which also stars Isaiah Washington (No. 3 billed) who is in Hollywood Homicide (No. 5 billed) which also stars Josh Hartnett (No. 2 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 3 billed) => (1 + 1) + (3 + 5) + (2 + 3) = 15. If we were to watch Out for Justice we can get the HoE Number down to 13.
Notes – Producer Jon Peters drew the ire of Steven Seagal after the action star returned from a vacation in Indonesia and discovered that Peters had hired Gary Busey to play the villain – Busey famously played one of the villains in the first film, who was dispatched via explosion. Matters got worse when it was discovered that Busey had a “pay-or-play” deal which meant he got his fee if he was in the film or not. Ultimately, Busey was paid his $750,000 dollar salary – which allegedly came out of Seagal’s pocket as a producer – but didn’t work a day on the picture.
Original screenplay title, before being converted into a sequel to “Under Siege”, was “In Dark Territory”.
During this production Steven Seagal started wearing a girdle to contain his blubbery stomach. This was apparently a temporary fix, as he intended to lose the excess weight eventually. This has not occurred.
The scene of the destroyed industrial facility in China recycles unused footage from On Deadly Ground (1994) (another Steven Seagal movie). In On Deadly Ground, it’s the burning Aegis Oil facility.
Filmmakers pioneered a new technique that enabled them to film all the interior train scenes (practically all the film) in the studio. Tennis balls glued on the studio walls were used as reference points to allow computers to insert footage of Colorado scenery, even when the camera moved around.
We spotted The Crow from a million miles away and I declared “If this does not qualify for BMT then we may as well close shop because it won’t be a world we want to BMT in.” Thank heavens The Crow delivered, otherwise you (and by you, I mean the bots at Internet Archive) wouldn’t be reading this right now. It was a Madame Web level disaster waiting to happen to the point where we didn’t even care to do it Live. We had already waited a while for the film to come out… what’s a few more months? In preparation, I of course watched the original film and at first I was like “what in the world?” but then I started to vibe with it. I also really appreciated a couple moments where in creating the dour rainy world of The Crow they employed some miniature work.
To recap, Eric is a drug addict in rehab. He’s just real brooding and dark but is handsome. You wouldn’t understand. Shelly is also dark and brooding but is a beautiful girl also with drug problems. You wouldn’t understand. No one understands. That is until Shelly gets a video from her friend Zadie that is like… wow. Soon the henchmen of the eeeevil Vincent Roeg are after her for that video. Before they can snag her, though, she is snagged for possession and sent to rehab. Eric and Shelly mean and it’s like… wow. But in a different way than the video. You wouldn’t understand. But they understand… each other. When trouble comes for Shelly, Eric is there to help her escape and soon they are in looooooovveee. They are just a couple of young people having fun while sticking their middle finger up at the world. Wooooo. But then they get murdered. Sad. Eric ends up in purgatory where he is offered a deal: kill Roeg, who actually works for the devil, and he can be with Shelly. He immediately agrees. He becomes… The Crow. He goes around killing people because he’s invincible, slowly working his way up the chain towards Roeg. But then he finds the video. It shows Roeg forcing Shelly to kill a woman. He’s shocked (shocked!). He’s not so sure he loves Shelly. Without the power of love he is able to be killed and only by promising to exchange his soul for Shelly’s is he given a second chance. This time he don’t miss. He slays everyone with super dark and cool moves. Roeg attempts to steal his powers in a climactic battle, but Eric is able to trick him and kill him and save Shelly. Ultimately he sacrifices himself for Shelly… for love. THE END
I have to give this movie a lot of credit. They could have just remade the original film. Swap out the music, but otherwise just keep it more or less the same. Or they could have made it even more like the original source. But they did neither. They basically went their own way with the idea of The Crow. So I can see why they might be excited about it. But this really isn’t it. It’s quite bad. The characters are unlikeable pretty much from top to bottom. The additional supernatural element of the bad guy is kind of dumb (but you also need it because how else is Danny Huston going to be your bad guy?). And worst of all… it kind of comes off lame. I got a deep waft of lameness off this guy. But they tried.
Hot Take Clam Bake! I think Eric probably should have killed Roeg for his own life in the end. He barely knew Shelly. She killed someone! What else has she done? He doesn’t know… because he barely knows her. And as we all know, you can’t love Shelly the way she deserves until you love yourself. And if you love yourself then isn’t that the real true love (awww). And if that’s the true love then maybe that’s what gave him his dope Crow powers. Thus… keep it for yourself, bro. Treat yourself. Hot Take Temperature: Sweet guitar licks.
Patrick?
Patrick
‘Ello everyone! *Gif of me looking extremely confused and distressed watching this film* Let’s go!
The Good? I’ll say this, I guess I can understand why someone would look at this and think to themselves, this is unique, this is creative, this is interesting, this is what film should be. Taking chances means not all of the chances are going to work out right? I can see why someone would say that.
The Bad? Literally everything about this movie. It is a slap in the face. It is a slap in the face to fans of The Crow, and it is a slap in the face to someone like me who merely appreciates the idea of Squalor Porn films like The Crow. This takes that concept, and then flushed it down the toilet. As I told Jamie: “Imagine The Crow, but now the movie is filled with the worst people you’ve ever met.” The entire first half of this film is, arguably, mentally ill young adults hanging around and being self-destructive and we are supposed to understand this as the pinnacle of love somehow? The back half of the film gets closer to what The Crow seems to actually be about (a rad goth guy who through the power of love becomes an invincible revenge demon?), but by that point I so distrusted the makers of this film it was all for naught. This is the worst film of 2024. Bar none, it is the film I would say encapsulates the 2024 class of bad movies.
The BMT? I think so. Out of all of the films of 2024 if we were to re-watch one I think it would ultimately be this one because it is just so weird. IT also helps that The Crow as a series has several quite notable potential friends floating around, so once we do those as flotsam in the future we’ll also have a few other weird ones to draw from as bad movie Crow-adjacent cinema.
Batch image processing! Now this is what I call flawless AI classification. Right? … Right? WRONG. Well, it is better. The exact same experiment from last time but using batch image processing:
So now when Revenge of the Nerds 2 (position 1 in experiment #1) is right next to Jaws 3D (always position 0) it still gets it. The thing that is a bit mind bending is the shifting. For whatever reason it just cannot seem to get the index straight. I’ll spare you the other graphs but things I’ve tried: (1) Giving it the number of elements and the range of possible indices (helps with errors for sure, it will no longer go off the end of the array, but it didn’t fix the shifting). (2) Inverting it, i.e. putting Revenge of the Nerds 2 first and moving Jaws 3D (no change). (3) Adding more posters, positing that it was the end of the array that was causing issues (just makes the end more fuzzy).
The main complaint I would have here is that there is really very little recourse in getting it to give consistent indexing back, and without consistent indexing batch processing is incredibly difficult. I’m sure there is some giant query that will help, but this is already a tiny bit discouraging since it isn’t that it is just missing out on films occasionally. Rather it is identifying the poster correctly and then just returning an off-by-one index with no indication of when the error is occurring (Experiment #10).
I literally am at a loss to think of any superlatives this fits into in the end. Not even a twist or even really a MacGuffin. The film is an amorphous blob operating as IP-driven non-IP. It is wild. This film is BMT, it is a weird view into what 2024 means as a film year.
Learn all about corvids I would guess in the Quiz. Cheerios,
What form does purgatory take in the Dante poem Purgatorio? An island-mountain? Hell naw, you know that shit is a rail-yard filled with crows. Let’s go!
Pop Quiz Hot Shot!
1) Brandon Lee and Bill Skarsgård played The Crow on the big screen, but Mark Dacascos played him on television in The Crow: Stairway to Heaven. He’s been in three BMT films, Cradle 2 the Grave, The Island of Dr. Moreau, and what video game adaptation as Jimmy Lee?
2) The film stars UK musician FKA twigs. What does FKA stand for?
3) A song by Enya is on the soundtrack that is named for a queen of the ancient British Iceni tribe who led an uprising against the conquering Romans around AD 60. What is this queen’s name?
4) The crow is (famously, if you are into early Reddit lore) a corvid. Corvids include magpies, rooks, jays, among many others. What corvid shares a name with a type of doll often seen around the Christmas season?
5) The Crow was nominated for two Razzie awards, but the most surprising was that it didn’t win for Worst Remake, Rip-off, or Sequel. Which (future BMT) film ultimately won that crown?
Bonus NYTimes Listing Question: On November 22, 1996 The Crow premiered on primetime on Channel 11. Competing with it on HBO was this film:
The cat was a rousing success. His name was Mr. Whiskers and Patrick loved him with all his heart. The cat loved Mondays and hated lasagna, which went against everything he knew about cats, but he was a perfect pet despite these deficiencies. So Jamie didn’t take to the cat. So what? All that meant was that Patrick and Mr. Whiskers could spend so much more time at the Hallston Public Library. As Patrick spins around the stacks revelling in all the knowledge he could gain, Mr. Whiskers gives out a loud “Meow.” “What is it boy,” Patrick says, hurrying to a corner of the library he hadn’t yet explored. He comes to a screeching halt near Mr. Whiskers and gives out a gasp. “My word, they have comic books too?!” Patrick says. “What doesn’t this place have?!” A nearby nerd gives a snort and goes back to his comic. Patrick narrows his eyes. But there is no time to pound some dweebs. He goes to where Mr. Whiskers is crouched and his eyes alight on the comic (or more accurately, the graphic novel) that he is pawing. “But that can’t be right, Mr. Whiskers,” Patrick says confused. “It looks too sad. Jamie needs something happy.” But Mr. Whiskers is insistent, pawing and meowing even more urgently. Patrick thinks for a moment and the lightbulb goes off. “Mr. Whiskers, you are a genius.” A week later he surprises Jamie during one of his many naps. “Hey buddy,” Patrick says softly, shaking his shoulder and bringing a crate onto his bed. “You wanna say hello to my other little friend?” Jamie just rolls over and pretends not to hear him, but shoots upright as the creature in the cage gives out a loud “Caw!” That’s right! That’s the ‘Caw!’ of The Crow remake. I had my eye on this for ages, but we had to bide out time for the end of the year cycle. It’s just too good. Let’s go!
The Crow (2024) – BMeTric: 67.8; Notability: 33
StreetCreditReport.com –BMeTric: top 1.6%; Notability: top 5.6%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 9.3%; Higher BMeT: Madame Web, Borderlands, The American Society of Magical Negroes, Uglies; Higher Notability: Joker: Folie à Deux, Reagan, Borderlands, The Garfield Movie, Madame Web, Back to Black, Here, Argylle, Kraven the Hunter, Lift, Rebel Moon – Part Two: The Scargiver, Red One, Jackpot!, Atlas; Lower RT: Tyler Perry’s Divorce in the Black, Megamind vs. The Doom Syndicate, Borderlands, Madame Web, Air Force One Down, Mother of the Bride, Kraven the Hunter, Breathe, Uglies, Rebel Moon – Part Two: The Scargiver, Justice League: Crisis on Infinite Earths – Part Two, Tarot, Reagan, Killer Heat, Canary Black, Mea Culpa, Atlas, Night Swim, Dear Santa, Trigger Warning, and 1 more; Notes: Tyler Perry had a film this year? It got 0 good reviews out of 17, that is incredible. Welp, we’ll never watch that.
RogerEbert.com – 2.5 stars – There’s a scene in the movie where Eric and Shelly are walking across a bridge and Shelly not-really-jokingly talks about jumping, and they envision a double-jump ending in their deaths, and Shelly imagines that teenagers would make shrines to them. I think that in time, teenagers will make their own shrines to this movie, in their own ways. It’s the kind of movie where, if you saw it when you were 14, you’d see it ten or twenty more times, and be inspired to check out books from the library, maybe memorize some poetry.
(Oh wowza, I really really disagree with that. That feels like a ludicrous take. No teenager is watching this film. And the idea that watching the two worst people you’ve ever met read poetry would inspire someone to do the same is a terrifying prospect indeed.)
(“Quite brilliantly broken”, immediately I find these characters obnoxious. That fundamentally is the issue with the film. I always describe it as: Imagine if the worst people you’ve ever met became superheroes. Rough stuff.)
Directors – Rupert Sanders – ( Known For: Snow White and the Huntsman; Ghost in the Shell; BMT: The Crow; Notes: My god, that is a pretty dire career. Amazing that he’s only managed one BMT film.)
Writers – James O’Barr – ( Known For: The Crow; The Crow: Salvation; The Crow: Wicked Prayer; Future BMT: The Crow: City of Angels; BMT: The Crow; Notes: The writer of the comic book. His story is pretty interesting, it is worth a read, a true blue independent comic book creator.)
Zach Baylin – ( Known For: King Richard; Gran Turismo; Creed III; Bob Marley: One Love; The Order; BMT: The Crow; Notes: Nominated for an Oscar for King Richard. Again a little surprised he only has one … Creed III is pretty rough.)
William Josef Schneider – ( BMT: The Crow; Notes: Kind of weird, he is an executive producer, and this is all he has basically in his filmography.)
Actors – Bill Skarsgård – ( Known For: Deadpool 2; It; Eternals; John Wick: Chapter 4; It Chapter Two; Atomic Blonde; Barbarian; The Devil All the Time; Anna Karenina; Boy Kills World; Assassination Nation; Villains; Nine Days; Simple Simon; Arn: The Kingdom at the End of the Road; Behind Blue Skies; Naked Singularity; Simon och ekarna; The Crown Jewels; Kenny Begins; Future BMT: Allegiant; BMT: The Crow; Notes: Swedish. I did like him in It. And nice, he voiced the Deviant Kro in the MCU… I wonder when that is coming back.)
FKA twigs – ( Known For: Honey Boy; BMT: The Crow; Notes: Really no offense, but she was perplexing in this movie. I’ve heard good things about Honey Boy though, maybe I should watch that to get a better sense of her range.)
Danny Huston – ( Known For: Wonder Woman; Children of Men; The Aviator; Robin Hood; Game Night; 21 Grams; 30 Days of Night; The Constant Gardener; Leaving Las Vegas; The Kingdom; Marie Antoinette; Big Eyes; Edge of Darkness; Hitchcock; The Proposition; Stolen; Birth; Stan & Ollie; The Professor; IO; Future BMT: How to Lose Friends & Alienate People; The Warrior’s Way; Marlowe; BMT: X-Men Origins: Wolverine; Clash of the Titans; The Number 23; Wrath of the Titans; Angel Has Fallen; The Crow; Notes: He plays the bad guy. I feel like I know his as big bads in things like Angel Has Fallen. He’s apparently in the new Naked Gun starring Liam Neeson. That could be wild.)
Budget/Gross – $50 million / Domestic: $9,275,659 (Worldwide: $23,999,106)
(I mean, horrific. The idea of making The Crow at all is one thing, but making it like this? Then you deserve to lose money. This movie is actually genuinely kind of offensive towards the source material.)
Rotten Tomatoes – 22% (29/134): Dreary and poorly paced, this reimagining of The Crow doesn’t have enough personality or pulse to merit the resurrection.
(It doesn’t. But also it changes everything about it to something worse. You might think I’m joking but it literally takes every single thing about the original movie and makes it worse.)
Reviewer Highlight: It’s like an anti-entertainment protest. – Robert Abele, Los Angeles Times
(Boy that’s bad. I like the font, but only because it’s drawn. But this just doesn’t look professional to me. Like fan art or something. C-.)
Tagline(s) – True love never dies. (C+)
(This is almost comically generic, but it’s also appropriate, so I’m a bit torn. I’ll boost it up a bit. But really the general concept of a film isn’t also its tagline usually.)
Keyword(s) – 2024-2024
Top 10: Dune: Part Two (2024), Deadpool & Wolverine (2024), Furiosa: A Mad Max Saga (2024), Civil War (2024), Inside Out 2 (2024), The Fall Guy (2024), Alien: Romulus (2024), Road House (2024), The Substance (2024), The Beekeeper (2024)
Future BMT: 62.3 The Exorcism (2024), 61.6 Imaginary (2024), 61.6 Joker: Folie à Deux (2024), 36.0 Singham Again (2024), 27.4 Slingshot (2024), 27.2 Harold and the Purple Crayon (2024), 25.9 Fighter (2024), 24.8 Devara Part 1 (2024), 19.0 Reagan (2024), 16.7 Here (2024), 11.6 Red One (2024)
BMT: Madame Web (2024), Borderlands (2024), The American Society of Magical Negroes (2024), The Crow (2024), Night Swim (2024), The Strangers: Chapter 1 (2024), Tarot (2024), Argylle (2024), The Watchers (2024), The Garfield Movie (2024), Back to Black (2024)
Best Options (Action):67.6 The Crow (2024), 36.0 Singham Again (2024), 25.9 Fighter (2024), 24.8 Devara Part 1 (2024), 11.6 Red One (2024)
(This was by far the best one. And Again, when we watched this Red One wasn’t out yet, otherwise … well, we would have probably watched both because we would have moved this one somewhere else. There was no way we were missing out on The Crow.)
Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 19) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Danny Huston is No. 3 billed in The Crow and No. 4 billed in The Number 23, which also stars Virginia Madsen (No. 2 billed) who is in Firewall (No. 3 billed) which also stars Harrison Ford (No. 1 billed) who is in Hollywood Homicide (No. 1 billed) which also stars Josh Hartnett (No. 2 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 3 billed) => (3 + 4) + (2 + 3) + (1 + 1) + (2 + 3) = 19. If we were to watch Marlowe we can get the HoE Number down to 17.
Notes – When asked if he had seen the trailer for this film, Ernie Hudson replied, “I haven’t seen it. The actor – who I can’t name – is playing the lead, I love and respect. But for me, ‘The Crow’ is Brandon Lee. I can’t imagine… let’s hope they don’t try to redo him, that they do their own thing with it and take it in a different direction. I haven’t seen [the trailer]. I haven’t seen any of the other ‘Crow’ [movies] because of what happened to Brandon.” In an earlier interview in 2021, Hudson explained he hadn’t even seen the 1994 original, saying, “It breaks my heart, and I can’t get past it. So much of it was action stuff, but Brandon and I got a chance to work together.”
Luke Evans, while still working on the production of The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies (2014), held a live Facebook Q&A. During some of the questions that he personally responded to, when asked about joining the “The Crow” reboot as the leading character, Evans stated that he felt inclined to drop out from the project as he felt “unworthy” of portraying the late Brandon Lee’s most iconic role.
F. Javier Gutiérrez was at one point courted to direct the film, but not as a remake. Crow creator J. O’Barr admitted in an interview that he was impressed when he saw that Gutierrez’s take would be a black-and-white shot-for-shot remake of the original graphic novel using both panels and dialogue directly from the source material for story-boarding to be as faithful as humanly possible to the comic. Due to production troubles and delays in shooting, Gutierrez dropped out to direct Rings (2017).
At one point the Crow film was intended to be called “The Crow Reborn” based on a screenplay by Cliff Dorfman being an original story about an undead police officer returning to avenge his family. The script attracted the attention of Jason Momoa, who was then cast in the lead role, but the production fell through when Momoa left because he didn’t like the constant rewrites which wore away any semblance of the Dorfman script, turning it into more of a remake of the 1994 film and less the original story he signed on for. Dorman himself disowned the resulting film after seeing a screening, posting his response to possible fan skepticism of the film’s quality writing simply, “It is. And don’t.”
During a Reddit AMA, Shannon Lee, sister of Brandon Lee was asked if there should be a remake of The Crow (1994) to which she responded, “I don’t think they should remake ‘The Crow.’ Booooo!”
Red Scorpion. Red. Scorpion. I got nothing. But Slow Bullet? I could talk about that for days. The history of Slow Bullet is a long one. Way back when, even before BMT, I got an iPod touch for Christmas. This was before a smart phone so it was the first thing that really opened me up to things like podcasts. Having some interest in bad movies I searched around and selected a few to try. How Did This Get Made? had just started, but the one that seemed really interesting was The Flop House which had started a few years before. I was immediately hooked and insisted that Patrick also try it. Now fifteen years later and we still listen to the podcast every week. I love The Flop House. In my obsession I found out that the hosts had published some essays on bad movies in a zine called I Love Bad Movies. Obviously I bought all of them. In the first issue Elliott Kalan has two essays. One was about Nukie, which we watched almost immediately, and the other was Slow Bullet, a movie he claimed was the worst of all time. Of course we would watch that as well, except… you couldn’t find it. It basically didn’t exist. That is until I randomly stumbled upon a VHS rip on the Internet Archive not long ago. And so here we go! Slow Bullet! Oh yeah… and Red Scorpion (a precursor to the future Bring a Friend Red Scorpion 2).
To recap, Dolph Lundgren is the bad guy. Literally a Soviet soldier who is sent to the country of Mombaka in Africa to help quell an anti-Communist uprising. In order to do this they set up an undercover mission where he pretends to be a belligerent, disillusioned soldier sent to the brig for getting in a fight. He’s put into holding with the rebel leader and an American photojournalist who doesn’t trust Dolph one little bit. But by helping to stage an escape, Dolph gets them to take him to a rebel encampment. He attempts an assassination of the leader there, but given he’s a thousand feet tall and looks like a special forces soldier they anticipate this and stop him. When an attack by some kind of sentient supercopter (the real bad guy of the film) lands him back with his compatriots he is tortured for failing his mission. Now he really is disillusioned and really has to escape. In the desert he finds a Bushman who takes him to his village where he learns about the value of Capitalism… or maybe it’s the value of magical scorpions… or maybe just the value of being a good dude. I can’t remember. Now that he’s actually a good guy he rejoins the rebels and leads an attack on the Soviet forces. He hunts down his superior, destroys that supercopter and gets the girl (not really, this is a total bro movie for the bros). THE END.
Red Scorpion literally fell out of my brain the instant I watched it. Three interesting things about it (I won’t go so far as to say fun). One is the background that the makers of the film violated US law by filming in a South African controlled region in the age of Apartheid and stirred up quite a bit of controversy. So given we just did Soul Man for BMT, it looks like we’re doing great. Everything’s fine. IT’S FINE! Second is that this is an unexpected entry in the helicopter film genre. The helicopter is used like it’s a terminator sent from the future. That’s one of the few fun things in the film really. Most importantly, though, is M. Emmet Walsh has a scene where he kind of dances/shambles about. It made him look like a gremlin or something. It was wild and a bit disturbing. If you showed me that scene and asked me how old the man in it was I would have been like “uh, 80?” He was 53. It’s the only clear memory I retain from the film. I probably will never forget it. As for Slow Bullet, Elliott Kalan was correct. This really might be the worst movie ever made. I hate that I watched it.
Hot Take Clam Bake! Are we sure Red Scorpion didn’t hasten the dissolution of the Soviet Union? I mean, the film was released in April 1989. Moscow was really losing control by that point. I’m thinking maybe a few too many people got their hands on copies of Red Scorpion and started to get ideas. Wait, Dolph Lundgren was just trying to do right by Mother Russia! Now he’s getting tortured? Unacceptable. You know what else is unacceptable? Communism. Hot Take Temperature: The deserts of Mombaka.
Patrick?
Patrick
‘Ello everyone! *gif of me greasing up my body while looking in the mirror. I look impressed, but not too impressed, you know? I’m still humble I think* Let’s go!
The good? The only thing that is really truly good in this film is M. Emmet Walsh who is insane throughout and does a crazy dance in the middle which both me and Jamie clocked and were like “that’s a gif”.
The bad? Everything else. The movie is dull. Lundgren is truly terrible in the film. It is actually a little unclear if (1) he didn’t speak English well enough so the director decided on the strong silent character, (2) he literally didn’t speak Russian and sounded ridiculous when he did so the director decided on the strong silent character, or (3) the character was written as strong and silent. Regardless, he is greased up and speaks like 10 words, and it doesn’t work for me.
The BMT? Not much. Maybe once we do the sequel as a friend we’ll understand that this is one of those bridge franchises that is what BMT is all about. But for now I think despite the promise of insane 80s action, this one disappoints.
Oh boy, the friend this week was Slow Bullet. Uh … this isn’t a movie. This is like something I would make. But if I was a lunatic who thought I could make a movie. I’m sure Jamie went into the reason why we watched this film, but rest assured: we had to do this film someday. And now we have. F.
“Based solely on this poster, name 10 keywords which might describe events of themes of this film”: Action, Military, Helicopters, Desert, Rebellion, Control, Weaponry, Survival, Betrayal, Conflict. Of those, Helicopter and Desert are the most intriguing. I did decide to do quite a big job, specifically I took the 2769 films with the keyword Helicopter, and then I asked the LLM whether the poster has a helicopter in it. Of those, 529 of them it said the poster did have a helicopter (~19%). I then personally looked through them and found 101 which did not have a helicopter (~19%) and 428 which did indeed have a helicopter.
Now my eyes hurt, so I didn’t dig further, but that is a decently high false positive rate, high enough to annoy me, but also probably in line with a SOTA object recognition model and actually very good (you should see some of these helicopters it found, they are tiny!!). Anyways, I think I learned that the error rate is high enough that you kind of have to accept it or not use the data.
I did filter the original 529 down to 224 (~42%) based on whether a helicopter is mentioned in the wiki page. So from 2769 we are down to 224 (~8%) films which (maybe) have a helicopter in the poster and helicopter is mentioned in the wiki page. That is actually a workable tight set of films. The final stats my program then prints out based on that Letterboxd page is:
There are 159 films that fit all the criteria and have 3K+ votes on IMDb which is a solid threshold for a “real” film. Two funny bits. First, after McHale’s Navy there are four Chuck Norris films in a row in the to-be-watched section, Delta Force and it’s sequel, Invasion U.S.A., and Missing in Action. Second, looking at potential friends the two that pop out are Moon 44 and the amusingly named Biggles: An Adventure in Time. Could we do a whole helicopter cycle?! … no, there isn’t a romance (at least unless you expand to the keyword, then we got new Annie on the block).
A Fictional Country Alert (Where?) for Mombaka according to wikipedia. And fine, Worst Twist (How?) for Dolph Lundgren, after a betrayal, revealing he actually has a heart of pure gold. This movie is Bad, the main issue is Lundgren not being asked or being unable to do anything really, it makes the film pretty dull.
Time to learn about arachnids I imagine. Let’s go!
Pop Quiz Hot Shot!
1) In the film Dolph Lundgren is part of the Spetsnaz. Historically, this term was followed by what three letter acronym?
2) The film was produced by Jack Abromoff, who eventually went to prison in the aptly named Jack Abramoff Native American lobbying scandal. His lobbying efforts were dramatized in the film Casino Jack, where he was (appropriately?) played by whom?
3) In the film Lundgren is found by a tribal San, or Saan. These are hunter gatherers that still live in the region, and are more commonly referred to as what? (Although to be clear they appear to not have a collective term for themselves)
4) There are a ton of music by the singer of Jenny, Jenny, Long Tall Sally, and Good Golly Miss Molly. Name that singer.
5) The director Joseph Zito directed a few films, but two of the more famous films are Invasion U.S.A. and Missing in Action. Who stars in these films?
Bonus NYTimes Listing Question: Red Scorpion was a bit touch and go, but Red Scorpion 2? That definitely played on HBO on April 27, 1995. Right before it though:
Bad Movie Twins 