Preview – Page 10 – Bad Movie Twins

Angels in the Outfield Preview

September 1st, 1993

Jamie and Patrick are looking badical. Jacket? Leather. Pants? Shredded. Chains? Thick. Their summer had been spent writing their bad movie ‘zine Film Psychos and gathering tens of subscribers. Their dad had one word of advice for them as they navigate this crazy thing we call life: “What’s a ‘zine?” With that he swept his arm in the general direction of the nearby cave system and called it ‘nature’s movie.’ Despite this being wrong (Nature’s movie is Gorillas in the Mist) they venture forth and soon find themselves lost in the labyrinthian caves. “Boy, this is spooky,” Jamie says and Patrick thinks how this is one case where they would love to have the older bullies around to help them out. Just when they fear that they will die in the caves they see a faint glow up ahead. They shield their eyes against the blinding light as they approach and for a moment an angelic voice appears to be coming from a beautiful white stallion. “A talking horse?!” Jamie says in awe. But as the light comes closer it becomes clear it’s not a talking horse at all, but a man in long white flowing robes. “It is not your time,” the man says, “to get out of the cave system you must remember the two mice in a maze.” With that the man winks out of existence. He then winks back again, “Oh and I forgot, you know your neighbor, Bill?” They nod their heads. “He has cancer,” and then disappears again. “Wow, that’s a real Coolz Foolz,” Jamie says with a smirk and Patrick nods before getting down to remembering things. “Mice. Mazes. Talk to me, people!” he yells and with that their eyes glaze over and they enter a patented Twin Memory. That’s right! We’re watching Angels in the Outfield. It’s a classic Disney channel staple from our childhood about a kid, some angels, and the California Angels (the team we all know and love). I remember even making fun of the film as a kid cause the main character looks like a dope flapping his arms whenever he sees an angel. Certainly it won’t be nearly as dopey as our Bring a Friend, Heaven Sent, though. I do believe that is a film, but I can’t be totally sure yet. Let’s go!

Angels in the Outfield (1994) – BMeTric: 24.9; Notability: 47

StreetCreditReport.com – BMeTric: top 25.6%; Notability: top 13.2%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 34.0%; Higher BMeT: Street Fighter, Police Academy: Mission to Moscow, Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Next Generation, Junior, The Next Karate Kid, Double Dragon, It’s Pat: The Movie, On Deadly Ground, The Flintstones, North, The Fantastic Four, Leprechaun 2, 3 Ninjas Kick Back, Exit to Eden, In the Army Now, Color of Night, Richie Rich, Car 54, Where Are You?, Getting Even with Dad, Beverly Hills Cop III, and 44 more; Higher Notability: The Flintstones, Wyatt Earp, The Shadow, Beverly Hills Cop III, Love Affair, Ready to Wear, North, Radioland Murders, I Love Trouble, The Pagemaster, Little Giants, Exit to Eden, Street Fighter, Drop Zone, D2: The Mighty Ducks, Junior, On Deadly Ground, Speechless, The Puppet Masters, The Scout, and 13 more; Lower RT: Wagons East, Police Academy: Mission to Moscow, It’s Pat: The Movie, Death Wish: The Face of Death, House Party 3, The Silence of the Hams, Holy Matrimony, Car 54, Where Are You?, Erotique, Getting Even with Dad, A Low Down Dirty Shame, Major League II, Exit to Eden, Lightning Jack, Leprechaun 2, In the Army Now, The Next Karate Kid, Trial by Jury, Blank Check, Intersection, and 60 more; Notes: In case one was curious about the top 10 in 90s Listing Plays for qualifying films: Clifford (91); The Next Karate Kid (82); Angels in the Outfield (76); City Slickers II: The Legend of Curly’s Gold (74); Renaissance Man (73); Airheads (72); Car 54, Where Are You? (70); Blankman (70); The Scout (69); Major League II (65). I think the amazing thing is just how few we’ve watched. Clifford (this year), Car 54, Where Are you?, and now this … that is it. Partly it is because I’ve seen Blankman, Airheads (a lot), City Slickers II (a lot), and Clifford and this (a lot). So we always veered away from those before. Still, lots to do in the 90s still, and hopefully the listings will help give the people what they want.

RogerEbert.com – 2.0 stars – “Angels in the Outfield” closely follows another movie about kids and baseball, “Little Big League.” Both are about how small boys control the destinies of major league teams. But while “Little Big League” is a smart movie about a kid who really understands baseball, “Angels” is a dumb movie about soppy sentimentality. The choice is clear.

(Whoa. I didn’t expect the … what’s the opposite of “stray”? Like all of a sudden huge props for Little Big League out of nowhere? Smart movie? That’s praise.)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wok7pG9_vX8/

(Ha. That was the whole movie. Like literally, his father telling him he’s off. The wish. The angels showing up for the first time. Most of the angel stuff. The press conference. And then literally the end of the pennant game. Might as well have shown the big twist ending. Why not?)

Directors – William Dear – ( Known For: Harry and the Hendersons; The Perfect Game; Simon Says; Timerider: The Adventure of Lyle Swann; The Foursome; Northville Cemetery Massacre; Free Style; Politics of Love; Nymph; Future BMT: Wild America; If Looks Could Kill; BMT: Angels in the Outfield; Notes: Hasn’t done much recently, but he was really plugged into the kids stuff back in the day. Harry and the Hendersons, the show of the same name, and then Dinosaurs pretty close together.)

Writers – Dorothy Kingsley – ( Known For: Angels in the Outfield; Valley of the Dolls; Seven Brides for Seven Brothers; Kiss Me Kate; Pal Joey; Green Mansions; Can-Can; Bathing Beauty; Dangerous When Wet; Pepe; Neptune’s Daughter; On an Island with You; A Date with Judy; Two Weeks with Love; It’s a Big Country: An American Anthology; Small Town Girl; Jupiter’s Darling; Don’t Go Near the Water; Easy to Wed; Broadway Rhythm; BMT: Angels in the Outfield; Notes: Nominated for an Oscar in 1955 for adapting Seven Brides for Seven Brothers. Oh you didn’t know Angels in the Outfield was originally a 1951 film? It was about the Pittsburgh Pirates.)

George Wells – ( Known For: Angels in the Outfield; Where the Boys Are; Lovely to Look At; Summer Stock; Penelope; Designing Woman; Take Me Out to the Ball Game; Three Little Words; Party Girl; Ask Any Girl; I Love Melvin; Three Bites of the Apple; It’s a Big Country: An American Anthology; The Gazebo; The Honeymoon Machine; The Hucksters; Everything I Have Is Yours; Don’t Go Near the Water; Cover Me Babe; The Toast of New Orleans; BMT: Angels in the Outfield; Notes: Same, wrote a bunch of stuff and then retired to sail and wrote a new novels.)

Richard Conlin – ( Known For: Angels in the Outfield; BMT: Angels in the Outfield; Notes: Somehow out of the three (who were all born prior to 1910) he was the only one who didn’t live to see this film released. He died in 1989. Seemed to have been a big Disney writer.)

Holly Goldberg Sloan – ( Known For: The Crocodile Hunter: Collision Course; Pure Country Pure Heart; Whispers: An Elephant’s Tale; The Secret Life of Girls; Future BMT: The Big Green; Made in America; BMT: Angels in the Outfield; Notes: I think it is pretty clear the success of adapting this kids’ film rolled right into The Big Green which was her first “writing” credit.)

Actors – Danny Glover – ( Known For: Saw; Shooter; The Color Purple; The Prince of Egypt; The Royal Tenenbaums; Jumanji: The Next Level; Lethal Weapon; The Dead Don’t Die; Witness; Sorry to Bother You; The Old Man & the Gun; Lethal Weapon 2; The Rainmaker; Dreamgirls; Silverado; Maverick; Escape from Alcatraz; Antz; Places in the Heart; Lethal Weapon 4; Future BMT: Barnyard; Wild America; Monster Trucks; Switchback; Pure Luck; The Shaggy Dog; Gone Fishin’; Flight of the Intruder; Operation Dumbo Drop; The Cookout; BMT: 2012; Angels in the Outfield; Dirty Grandpa; Predator 2; Alpha and Omega; Proud Mary; Notes: Claims he is going to be in Lethal Weapon 5 which has been in development for ever. We’ll see. He was too old for this shit in the 90s.)

Brenda Fricker – ( Known For: The Miracle Club; A Time to Kill; So I Married an Axe Murderer; My Left Foot; The Field; Albert Nobbs; Veronica Guerin; Closing the Ring; Trauma; Moll Flanders; Rory O’Shea Was Here; Stone of Destiny; Cloudburst; Locked In; The Intended; War Bride; How About You; A Man of No Importance; Tara Road; Conspiracy of Silence; Future BMT: Home Alone 2: Lost in New York; Masterminds; BMT: Angels in the Outfield; Notes: You’d probably know her from Home Alone 2 as the bird lady. I know her from So I Married an Axe Murderer which she played the mother. A huge character actor, but she won an Oscar for Support Actress for My Left Foot.)

Tony Danza – ( Known For: Crash; Don Jon; The Hollywood Knights; Rumble; Darby and the Dead; Glam; Cloud 9; Going Ape!; A Brooklyn State of Mind; Illtown; The Nail: The Story of Joey Nardone; Future BMT: She’s Out of Control; Meet Wally Sparks; Dear God; BMT: Angels in the Outfield; Cannonball Run II; Notes: Nominated for an Emmy as a Guest Star in The Practice. Huge TV star though in Taxi and Who’s the Boss? He actually was playing age appropriate as a definitely over the hill pitcher.)

Budget/Gross – $31 million / Domestic: $50,236,831 (Worldwide: $50,236,831)

(That is pretty good, but not excellent. I’m a bit skeptical of that budget though. I know you have to film in stadiums and stuff, but over 30 million for a kids’ film in the 90s? That seems nuts.)

Rotten Tomatoes – 32% (9/28): A queasy mishmash of poignant drama and slapstick fantasy, Angels in the Outfield strikes out as worthy family entertainment.

(If you don’t mention the ending then I don’t know what to say. The ending is really the only bit that strikes out.)

NYT Review: Big, dripping scoop of marshmallow sentiment, topped with whipped-cream spirituality.

Poster – Wranglers in the Outback Commercial

(Looks like the angel in the poster is totally flubbing that catch. What an idiot. That’s a better movie. Should have been a bunch of angels come down to stop the California Angels due to their blasphemous name and the team has to rally to beat them. Perfect. Oh, but the poster is a C+.)

Tagline(s) – It Could Happen. (C)

Ya Gotta Believe! (F)

(The first one is essentially the catchphrase of the main character’s sidekick in the film. It’s lame, but makes sense and is short. Hard pass on the second one.)

Keyword(s) – daddio

Top 10: The Shawshank Redemption (1994), The Godfather (1972), Scarface (1983), 12 Angry Men (1957), Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade (1989), Back to the Future Part II (1989), Dead Poets Society (1989), Citizen Kane (1941), The Game (1997), Dumb and Dumber (1994)

Future BMT: 79.0 Daddy Day Camp (2007), 58.9 Jury Duty (1995), 57.4 The NeverEnding Story II: The Next Chapter (1990), 57.1 Ghost Dad (1990), 50.8 Getting Even with Dad (1994), 50.5 Sleepwalkers (1992), 49.3 My Girl 2 (1994), 46.4 Daddy Day Care (2003), 44.6 Man of the House (1995), 41.6 My Baby’s Daddy (2004), 41.6 Speed Zone (1989), 41.3 Club Paradise (1986), 38.9 Fled (1996), 38.3 My Father the Hero (1994), 38.0 Dracula: Dead and Loving It (1995), 36.9 Desperate Hours (1990), 35.9 Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo (1984), 35.8 I Got the Hook Up (1998), 34.3 Spring Break (1983), 34.1 Father Hood (1993)

BMT: Speed 2: Cruise Control (1997), Troll 2 (1990), Super Mario Bros. (1993), Cool as Ice (1991), Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III (1993), Poltergeist III (1988), Shanghai Surprise (1986), Return to the Blue Lagoon (1991), The Lawnmower Man (1992), Arthur 2: On the Rocks (1988), Fire Birds (1990), Star Trek V: The Final Frontier (1989), Virtuosity (1995), Double Impact (1991), Police Academy 2: Their First Assignment (1985), Navy Seals (1990), Iron Eagle (1986), Rambo III (1988), High School High (1996), Ernest Goes to Jail (1990), Clifford (1994), Man Trouble (1992), Leviathan (1989), Universal Soldier (1992), Days of Thunder (1990), No Mercy (1986), The Postman (1997), Fools Rush In (1997), Eraser (1996), Hackers (1995), Rising Sun (1993), Magic in the Water (1995), Lock Up (1989), The Adventures of Ford Fairlane (1990)

Best Options (Serving Sara): 33.3 The Jerky Boys (1995), 26.1 Airheads (1994), 26.1 Feds (1988), 20.1 Art School Confidential (2006), 17.3 Hexed (1993), 16.7 Mr. Destiny (1990), 8.0 Let It Ride (1989)

(Ah right, that doesn’t appear because we had to scour the internet to find a way from Serving Sara to the 2023 cycle. This film played in 2002, I suppose somewhat ironically right before the Angels actually won the World Series. Amazing that you really can’t get to 2023 at all with a real 90s film though.)

Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 16) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Danny Glover is No. 1 billed in Angels in the Outfield and No. 3 billed in Proud Mary, which also stars Neal McDonough (No. 5 billed) who is in Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li (No. 3 billed) which also stars Chris Klein (No. 2 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 2 billed) => (1 + 3) + (5 + 3) + (2 + 2) = 16. If we were to watch Operation Dumbo Drop we can get the HoE Number down to 10.

Notes – Former A’s and Cardinals player Tony LaRussa and his family make a cameo appearance in the owner’s box, during the last game.

This film was not the only connection between Disney and the Angels. Two years after the film’s release, the Walt Disney Corporation bought the Angels, and owned the team until 2003. In addition, Walt Disney was one of the Angels’ original board members.

The character of Hank Murphy, the Angels’ owner, is loosely based on owner, actor and country music star Gene Autry, right down to the cowboy hat. Autry passed away October 1998. When the Anaheim Angels won the 2002 World Series, they dedicated their win to Autry.

Two of the actors who played Angels players, Adrien Brody and Matthew McConaughey, would go on to win Academy Awards for Best Actor.

At the time of its production and release, the Angels, who entered the American League in 1961 had never won an AL pennant or appeared in a World Series and were best known for their collapses in the ALCS. The Angels would lose their appearances in 1979, 1982 and 1986. Eight years after the film’s release, the Angels won both the franchise’s first AL Pennant and World Series championship in 2002.

Fools Rush In Preview

September 1st, 1994

Jamie and Patrick are looking radical. Hat? Backwards. Jeans? Also backwards. Arms? Crossed. Their summer had been spent consuming the weekly ‘zine Funky Fresh Horses that was just catching fire and they were saving their nickels and dimes to buy a horse. Their dad had one word of advice for them as they navigate this crazy thing we call life: “You better give up that bad movie thing if you want to save enough money for a horse.” With that he swept his arm in the general direction of the local stables and called it ‘nature’s movie.’ Despite this being wrong (Nature’s movie is a babbling brook) they venture forth and soon find themselves perusing the horses for sale. Suddenly their eyes alight on a beautiful steed. He’s everything that a couple funky fresh dudez could want in a horse. But just as they approach the stables they are pushed to the ground. “This horse isn’t for little babies,” some older kids say and begin to laugh at them. After they leave, Patrick sits ruminating in his devastation. Jamie paces about, rending his garments in despair. At that moment of true sorrow they suddenly hear a quiet voice. “Don’t worry,” it says, “I know exactly what to do.” They look around in confusion. They are the only ones here other than a single horse staring at them from the furthest stall. As they approach they read the name on the door, ‘Don.’ Jamie and Patrick hesitate. “We have to consider our past bad experiences with talking horses,” Patrick says quietly. “Right, and we can’t forget the Not Foolz Rule,” Jamie says, pulling out a very cool phrase he coined, “Don’t do what foolz do.” With that their eyes glaze over and they enter a patented Twin Memory. That’s right! We are watching Fools Rush In, the Matthew Perry vehicle that will have you asking the question: wait, is this the one where he pretends to be gay? Let’s go!

Fools Rush In (1997) – BMeTric: 28.1; Notability: 32

StreetCreditReport.com – BMeTric: top 20.4%; Notability: top 26.4%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 34.9%; Higher BMeT: Batman & Robin, Mortal Kombat: Annihilation, Speed 2: Cruise Control, Home Alone 3, Steel, Mr. Magoo, Double Team, Turbo: A Power Rangers Movie, Chairman of the Board, Spawn, Flubber, An American Werewolf in Paris, Turbulence, Fire Down Below, Jungle 2 Jungle, Gone Fishin’, McHale’s Navy, The Pest, Kull the Conqueror, Plump Fiction, and 31 more; Higher Notability: Batman & Robin, The Saint, Speed 2: Cruise Control, The Jackal, Dante’s Peak, The Postman, Flubber, Spawn, The Man Who Knew Too Little, The Relic, Fathers’ Day, The Devil’s Own, Red Corner, Meet Wally Sparks, Kiss the Girls, Event Horizon, An Alan Smithee Film: Burn Hollywood Burn, Fire Down Below, Mad City, Steel, and 46 more; Lower RT: Plump Fiction, Fall, The Blackout, The Peacekeeper, McHale’s Navy, Shadow Conspiracy, Gone Fishin’, Mortal Kombat: Annihilation, Speed 2: Cruise Control, The Pest, ‘Til There Was You, An American Werewolf in Paris, An Alan Smithee Film: Burn Hollywood Burn, Dangerous Ground, The Postman, Mr. Magoo, 8 Heads in a Duffel Bag, Keys to Tulsa, Double Team, Chairman of the Board, and 61 more; Notes: Amazingly, Fools Rush In was basically the biggest “tv film” around if you look through the list here. Batman & Robin played 56 times in the two or so years left in the 90s, Speed 2 played 64 times, but pretty much all the rest pale in comparison to Fools Rush In coming in at 51. Pretty impressive. Our friend this week is Deadly Outbreak with Jeff Speakman which played primetime (and I’m not joking) on the Saturday after Thanksgiving on Cinemax. Really trying to goose those DVD sales huh boys!

RogerEbert.com – 3.0 stars – In actual fact, of course, angels rush in where fools fear to tread. And that’s what happens to Alex Whitman, a fairly unexciting builder of nightclubs, when Isabel Fuentes comes into his life. Alex comes from Manhattan, where he leads the kind of WASP life that requires Jill Clayburgh as his mother. He’s in Las Vegas to supervise the construction of a new club, when he crosses paths with Isabel, a Mexican-American camera girl at Caesars, who believes in fate: “There is a reason behind all logic to bring us the exact same time and place.” The reason, which may be the oldest one in the world, leads them to the same bed for a one-night stand, which both insist they “never” do. But then Isabel disappears for three months, returning unexpectedly one day for a visit during which she asks for saltines (always an ominous sign) before telling Alex she is pregnant.

(I love it. I genuinely love when Ebert takes a film like this where it is just very confusing as to why exactly everyone is shitting on it and is like “huh … seems pretty good to me.” He’s right by the way, pretty heartfelt film about an unlikely couple just trying to make their way.)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hLKa24D1KUk/

(Besides the pretty in your face racism undertones, the film seems charming. I’d put peak Selma Hayak against any other actress in the history of cinema. It is absurd how attractive she is. And oddly? Matthew Perry doesn’t feel like he’s entirely out of his league. Is that weird?)

Directors – Andy Tennant – ( Known For: Ever After: A Cinderella Story; Hitch; The Secret: Dare to Dream; Anna and the King; Wild Oats; Future BMT: It Takes Two; BMT: Sweet Home Alabama; Fools Rush In; Fool’s Gold; The Bounty Hunter; Notes: Nominated for two Emmy for The Kominsky Method which he produced and directed a bit on. That seems to be his most recent work for the most part.)

Writers – Joan Taylor – ( BMT: Fools Rush In; Notes: Huh. She was an actress, but she retired from acting in the 60s. I think she might have written specs for a while because she has a few credited novels, so I imagine they dusted this bad boy off well after it was written and she got a story credit.)

Katherine Reback – ( BMT: Fools Rush In; Notes: Incredibly her only credit. At all. What an odd pair. It makes me wonder how this film was even made. I bet there are a million non-credited writers in the end.)

Actors – Matthew Perry – ( Known For: 17 Again; The Whole Nine Yards; The Kid; Numb; Birds of America; Getting In; Future BMT: She’s Out of Control; Almost Heroes; A Night in the Life of Jimmy Reardon; Three to Tango; BMT: Fools Rush In; The Whole Ten Yards; Serving Sara; Notes: He claims that this is the film where his pain killer addiction began which on-and-off derailed his acting career quite publicly. Either he was just doing it for fun or there is a scene involving jet skis where he got injured.)

Salma Hayek – ( Known For: The Faculty; From Dusk Till Dawn; Puss in Boots: The Last Wish; Eternals; Sausage Party; Traffic; House of Gucci; Dogma; Here Comes the Boom; Magic Mike’s Last Dance; Desperado; Savages; The Hitman’s Bodyguard; Frida; Spy Kids 3: Game Over; Puss in Boots; Four Rooms; Tale of Tales; Once Upon a Time in Mexico; Across the Universe; Future BMT: After the Sunset; 54; Cirque du Freak: The Vampire’s Assistant; Like a Boss; How to Be a Latin Lover; Fled; BMT: Grown Ups; Grown Ups 2; Hitman’s Wife’s Bodyguard; Wild Wild West; Fools Rush In; Fair Game; Notes: Nominated for an Oscar for Midaq Alley. Married to the son of French billionaire Francois Pinault who is the CEO of Kering.)

Jon Tenney – ( Known For: Tombstone; I See You; The Phantom; Wild Mountain Thyme; Rabbit Hole; You Can Count on Me; Nixon; Free Willy 2: The Adventure Home; Buying the Cow; Lassie; The Seagull; Homegrown; Guilty by Suspicion; Music from Another Room; As Cool as I Am; Hide Away; The Twilight of the Golds; Lovelife; Looking for Comedy in the Muslim World; Entropy; Future BMT: Legion; The Best of Me; The Stepfather; Love the Coopers; BMT: Green Lantern; Beverly Hills Cop III; Fools Rush In; Notes: Mostly a television actor, he is notably in the new Sex and the City show. I think even more notably he was a regular on The Closer with Kyra Sedgwick appearing in over 100 episodes. That’s what they call me at work. Kyra Sedgwick. Because I close.)

Budget/Gross – $20 million / Domestic: $29,481,428 (Worldwide: $29,481,428)

(That’s not half bad, but also not whole good. It was a wild time there where Matthew Perry was a decent romantic comedy leading man.)

Rotten Tomatoes – 34% (11/32): Only Fools Rush In to see a basic romantic comedy where opposites try to attract and find an unlikely happy ending.

(Yeah, on paper it is a standard formula with a few modern updates. There must have been something about Perry because it is a bit inexplicable that critics hated such harmless stuff … right? Were we just way harsher back then?)

NYT Short Review: A wisecracking New York WASP and a feisty latina have a shotgun wedding following a one-night stand.

Poster – Foolz Crush In

(Someone here was having fun with what was otherwise a very bad and forgettable poster (look at that font. Gross). Look at that tiny NYC with those tiny twin towers. And look at the two cacti to the left of those. Clever girl. D+)

Tagline(s) – What if finding the love of your life meant changing the life that you loved? (C-)

(I know you meant well and were on the right track, but I didn’t finish reading that because it’s like a Charles Dickens novel. Are you being paid by the word? Can’t even fit on the poster in legible font.)

Keyword(s) – daddio

Best Options (Romance): 38.3 My Father the Hero (1994), 34.3 Spring Break (1983), 32.2 It Takes Two (1995), 28.1 Fools Rush In (1997), 22.7 Moonlight and Valentino (1995), 20.1 Art School Confidential (2006), 18.3 The Art of Getting By (2011), 16.7 Mr. Destiny (1990)

(My God, My Father the Hero is going to be a wild one eventually. I remember seeing it in pieces on television way back, and fat Gerard Depardieu shambling about with very young women around him is harrowing to say the least. Glad we didn’t do that one. This is the main genuine option in my opinion if you wanted one that played on a birthday.)

Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 15) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Matthew Perry is No. 1 billed in Fools Rush In and No. 2 billed in The Whole Ten Yards, which also stars Bruce Willis (No. 1 billed) who is in Armageddon (No. 1 billed) which also stars Ben Affleck (No. 3 billed) who is in Pearl Harbor (No. 1 billed) which also stars Josh Hartnett (No. 3 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 3 billed) => (1 + 2) + (1 + 1) + (3 + 1) + (3 + 3) = 15. If we were to watch Like a Boss we can get the HoE Number down to 13.

Notes – The role of Alex’s (Matthew Perry) father is played by John Bennett Perry, who is actually Matthew Perry’s father.

Before the movie was filmed, there was no Arizona/Nevada “border” painted on the highway that spans the Hoover Dam. When it was added for the movie, local officials decided to keep it intact after the filming of the movie. As of September 2005 the border painted in the street is no longer there.

Jennifer Lopez was offered the role of Isabel Fuentes but turned it down in favor of Anaconda (1997).

John Bennett Perry (Alex’s father), Matthew Perry’s father, was in another of his son’s work. He played the father of Joshua, Rachel’s boyfriend, on FRIENDS. They would also play father and son in an episode of Scrubs.

Matthew Perry credits a jet ski accident on the set of this film as fuelling his addiction with prescription drugs

Expend4bles Preview

September 1st, 1995

Jamie and Patrick are looking wizard. Hat? Funky. Jeans? Fresh. Riding? Horses. They’re about to turn nine and are deep into the latest horse craze sweeping the nation. Their dad had one word of advice for them as they navigate this crazy thing we call life: “How do you have so much time to watch all this bad stuff while also taking care of that horse?” With that he swept his arm in the general direction of a nearby beautiful meadow and called it ‘nature’s movie.’ Despite this being wrong (Nature’s movie is Fern Gully: The Last Rainforest) they venture forth and find themselves knee deep in grass as Don, their horse, eats his fill. “This is nice, actually,” Jamie begins, running his hands through the tall grass. “It’s not quite as nice as water, but it’s close. Because in water no one can see you nude and in the water…” but before he can finish his thought on why water and the tall grass are similar in one specific way they hear the sound of horses approaching. They hop on Don, but it’s too late, they’re surrounded by a bunch of older kids on their own horses. “What are we going to do?” Don says, which is worrisome, because Don usually knows exactly what to do. “Nice horse,” one of the kids says, but before the compliment can land he pulls out a quick “NOT!” and everyone laughs. As the kids ride away, still laughing, Jamie and Patrick’s eyes narrow. “They are foolz and we are the cure for foolz,” Jamie says, pulling out a very cool phrase he coined. With that their eyes glaze over and they enter a patented Twin Memory in order to remember such a cure for foolz. That’s right! You might remember a similarly cool phrase uttered by Sly Stallone in Cobra. Well we aren’t watching that (unfortunately). Instead we are taking it LIVE and watching Expend4bles. I had been worried that the film might be so stupid that reviewers would be like “If you are real dumb you’ll like this. Who am I to judge? 2.5 stars.” But nope! This got some real real real bad reviews. Hooray! Let’s go!

Expend4bles (2023) – BMeTric: 42.8; Notability: 33

StreetCreditReport.com – BMeTric: top 4.0%; Notability: top 0.8%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 0.5%; Higher BMeT: Meg 2: The Trench, The Black Demon, Knights of the Zodiac, 65, The Ritual Killer, The Out-Laws, Insidious: The Red Door, White Men Can’t Jump, Hypnotic, Expend4bles; Higher Notability: Fool’s Paradise, Ghosted; Lower RT: The Ritual Killer; Notes: The BMeT ones are fascinating. The Black Demon? The Ritual Killer? The Out-Laws? Never heard of any of these. The Black Demon is, somehow, a knock off The Meg. The Ritual Killer is a Morgan Freeman film where it seems like a serial killer uses magic to kill people maybe? And now that I look at it I now remember that The Out-Laws is an Adam DeVine comedy about a bank robbery. I guess the point is: at some point we have to expand our horizons to include nonsense like The Out-Laws at least, so how should we do it? BMeT? Hardly. But something we have to think about.

RogerEbert.com – 1.0 stars – “The Expendables” had a simple enough concept—gather a bunch of ’80s-era action cinema icons, including Sylvester Stallone, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Bruce Willis, Dolph Lundgren, and Mickey Rourke, and bring them together for an old-school-style shoot-em-up in which they, along with such current familiar faces (and pecs) as Jason Statham, Jet Li, Randy Couture, and Steve Austin, joined forces to blow things up real good. The film was no masterpiece, but the aggressively retro approach—it felt like exactly the kind of thing that the late great Cannon Films might have conjured up if they were still in business—had a certain lunkheaded charm, and it wound up being a surprise hit. Two sequels followed in 2012 and 2014, and while neither one lived up to the exceedingly mild promise of their predecessor, they served their purpose as B-movie fodder and a way for veteran action stars (including Harrison Ford, Chuck Norris, Wesley Snipes, Jean-Claude Van Damme, Antonio Banderas and, inexplicably, Kelsey Grammer) to kill a couple of adequately-paid weeks reliving the good old days—sort of the genre equivalent of a Hall of Fame game.

“Expend4bles” is just an embarrassment from start to finish, and the only positive thing to say about it is that it should pretty much put a nail in the coffin of a series that has clearly overstayed its welcome. At least for another decade.

(Yeah, that sounds about right. And finally. Something like this is bad for what it is, instead of merely good for what it is. Read the review. It put it into lunkheaded context and found it wanting even from the modest premise. More of that please.)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cm3Z1jEjHHc/

(We heard who? Oh yeah, I forgot the whole advertising campaign revolved around how they were going to make this movie rated-R and that was supposed to make it better somehow.)

Directors – Scott Waugh – ( Known For: Hidden Strike; 6 Below: Miracle on the Mountain; Future BMT: Act of Valor; BMT: Expend4bles; Need for Speed; Notes: He is tapped for an upcoming Schwarzenegger film called Breakout (secret sequel to Escape Plan?). Also he is apparently directing a film starring a few wrestlers.)

Writers – Kurt Wimmer – ( Known For: Equilibrium; The Thomas Crown Affair; Salt; Children of the Corn; The Misfits; The Recruit; Spell; Double Trouble; The Neighbor; Relative Fear; Future BMT: Law Abiding Citizen; Total Recall; Street Kings; BMT: Expend4bles; Point Break; Ultraviolet; Notes: Wrote the original book the first film was based on … naw I’m joking. For his film Equilibrium he claims to have invented “Gun Kata” a fictional martial art discipline. He also wrote the upcoming Statham film The Beekeepers.)

Tad Daggerhart – (BMT: Expend4bles; Notes: One of those guys which are so new to the scene they don’t have a TMDB profile yet. He acted a bit, was in script continuity for a bit, but then wrote this and a non-film called Black Lotus this year.)

Max Adams – ( Known For: Heist; Extraction; Precious Cargo; BMT: Expend4bles; Notes: He served in the armed forces, so his writing credits definitely skew that direction.)

Spenser Cohen – ( Known For: Extinction; BMT: Expend4bles; Moonfall; Notes: He has an upcoming film he is writing-directing called Horrorscope in which (can you guess?) a group of teens begin dying based on their horoscope after getting their fortunes told.)

Dave Callaham – ( Known For: Spider-Man: Across the Spider-Verse; The Expendables; Mortal Kombat; Wonder Woman 1984; Godzilla; Shang-Chi and the Legend of the Ten Rings; Zombieland: Double Tap; Horsemen; America: The Motion Picture; Tell Tale; BMT: Expend4bles; The Expendables 3; Doom; Notes: Yeah, a big writer, mostly on big budget films and often comic book oriented. He is writing the new Masters of the Universe film.)

Actors – Jason Statham – ( Known For: Fast X; The Expendables; The Expendables 2; The Meg; Operation Fortune: Ruse de Guerre; Spy; Snatch; F9: The Fast Saga; Wrath of Man; Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels; Collateral; Fast & Furious Presents: Hobbs & Shaw; Furious 7; The Fate of the Furious; The Italian Job; Furious 6; Homefront; The Transporter; The Mechanic; Parker; Future BMT: The Pink Panther; The One; War; Turn It Up; BMT: Expend4bles; Meg 2: The Trench; The Expendables 3; Crank; Mechanic: Resurrection; Crank: High Voltage; Killer Elite; In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale; Ghosts of Mars; Notes: Wow, very close to our tenth Statham. He has three Hall of Fame films. I wonder if anyone else beats that (unofficial check: from what I can tell Travolta and Stallone also have three as of this year).)

50 Cent – ( Known For: Spy; Southpaw; Den of Thieves; Escape Plan; Morning Glory; Last Vegas; The Frozen Ground; Popstar: Never Stop Never Stopping; Escape Plan: The Extractors; The Prince; Escape Plan 2: Hades; 13; Fire with Fire; Twelve; All Things Fall Apart; Freelancers; Home of the Brave; Setup; Gun; Dead Man Running; Future BMT: Get Rich or Die Tryin’; BMT: Expend4bles; Righteous Kill; Notes: An oddly charmed film career. Although some of the non-BMT films actually are just too small. Escape Plan 2 is absolutely dire, but it wasn’t released to theaters in the end.)

Megan Fox – ( Known For: Jennifer’s Body; This Is 40; Transformers; Till Death; Midnight in the Switchgrass; The Dictator; Night Teeth; Johnny & Clyde; Good Mourning; Above the Shadows; Zeroville; Rogue; Big Gold Brick; Taurus; Friends with Kids; The Battle of Jangsari; Think Like a Dog; Passion Play; Whore; Future BMT: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Out of the Shadows; Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen; Bad Boys II; Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen; How to Lose Friends & Alienate People; BMT: Expend4bles; Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles; Jonah Hex; Notes: What is the opposite of an oddly charmed film career? Blasted onto the scene when Michael Bay cast her in multiple Transformers films. She’s stuck around though, and even has some cult classics floating around. Was married to Brian Austin Green for 10 years, they have three kids together, but divorced a few years ago.)

Budget/Gross – $100 million / Domestic: $14,336,200 (Worldwide: $26,064,529)

(Yeah it was disastrous. There is almost no way they continue with the series, despite Sly’s contention that there will be more. The last stunk, this stunk, and now it is box office poison. Not a chance.)

Rotten Tomatoes – 13% (15/119): Solid work from Jason Statham and some halfway decent set pieces aren’t enough to make up for Expend4bles’ lackluster action and cheap-looking effects.

(Solid work by Jason Statham sounded unlikely initially … but yeah, I suppose he is always game for a little action smash’em’up so it actually seems quite likely.)

Reviewer Highlight: The film’s last reel is so awful — so sneeringly contemptuous of our good-faith efforts to play along with these shenanigans — that we leave the theater still thinking of that shot of a corpse’s middle finger. It sure seemed pointed at us. – Amy Nicholson, The New York Times

Poster – Depend4bles

(Nailed it. Big ol’ meh to this guy. Just all the people and then zany colors for… I guess I don’t really know why. C-.)

Tagline(s) – Old blood meets new blood. (D)

(Nope. That ain’t it.)

Keyword(s) – year 2023

Top 10: Oppenheimer (2023), Barbie (2023), Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 3 (2023), John Wick: Chapter 4 (2023), Spider-Man: Across the Spider-Verse (2023), Ant-Man and the Wasp: Quantumania (2023), The Super Mario Bros. Movie (2023), Dungeons & Dragons: Honor Among Thieves (2023), The Flash (2023), Pathaan (2023)

Future BMT: 82.1 Winnie the Pooh: Blood and Honey (2023), 47.0 Insidious: The Red Door (2023), 44.0 Hypnotic (2023), 42.6 House Party (2023), 37.8 Fool’s Paradise (2023), 35.5 Mafia Mamma (2023), 30.2 The Machine (2023), 30.1 About My Father (2023), 28.9 My Big Fat Greek Wedding 3 (2023), 28.6 Love Again (2023), 25.2 Fear (2023), 21.7 Haunted Mansion (2023), 10.3 The Exorcist: Believer (2023), 7.5 Sweetwater (2023)

BMT: Meg 2: The Trench (2023), 65 (2023), Expend4bles (2023), Retribution (2023)

Best Options (Action): 44.0 Hypnotic (2023), 42.0 Expend4bles (2023), 35.5 Mafia Mamma (2023), 30.2 The Machine (2023)

(Hypnotic will almost certainly be the action choice for the end of the year cycle, so we’ll have hit a solid set of bad guys by the end. We are not watching Winnie the Pooh: Blood and Honey though. I refuse.)

Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 6) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Jason Statham is No. 1 billed in Expend4bles and No. 1 billed in In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale, which also stars Leelee Sobieski (No. 3 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 1 billed) => (1 + 1) + (3 + 1) = 6. There is no shorter path at the moment.

Notes – Jason Statham has expressed his love for The Expendables. On co-star Sylvester Stallone, he said “Working with Sylvester Stallone is beyond a pinch yourself moment. I remember growing up watching his films, and to be directed by him, and to be in a movie that he’s produced, and to be shoulder to shoulder with Sly is a privilege any man who loves action movies would never turn their nose up at. I mean, it’s terrific. I’ll do as many as he wants.”

Sylvester Stallone while promoting The Expendables 3 (2014) DVD/Blu-ray release of the movie, Stallone commented that if a fourth film happens, it will definitely be R-rated unlike the PG-13 rated The Expendables 3 (2014) as he states on the matter: “Absolutely unequivocally yes,” he confirmed. “I believe it was a horrible miscalculation on everyone’s part in trying to reach a wider audience, but in doing such, diminish the violence that the audience expects. I’m quite certain it won’t happen again.”

Sylvester Stallone confirmed this is the first of a new trilogy.

Sylvester Stallone’s first choice for the villain was Jack Nicholson.

Jason Statham was the first actor, besides Sylvester Stallone, to say he will be returning for this film.

Leviathan Preview

September 1st, 1996

Jamie and Patrick are looking fresh. Earrings? Gold. Jeans? Gold. Apple juice? Gold. They’re about to turn ten and are setting the standard with their gold swag. Their dad had one word of advice for them as they navigate this crazy thing we call life: “How many times can you watch Tango and Cash?” With that he swept his arm in the general direction of their local swimming hole and called it ‘nature’s movie.’ Despite this being wrong (Nature’s movie is Baraka) they ventured forth and found themselves at Ralston’s Gulch. It’s cannonball central as they take the swimming hole by storm. Suddenly, right when they begin another one of their patented Twin Double Cannonballs, they feel a tug at their shorts and find themselves completely nude in the freezing waters. A couple of middle school bullies are laughing at them from the shore while holding their shorts above their heads. “Why don’t the little babies come out and playyyyy-ayyyy?” they yell, and all the other people at the gulch laugh. “We look like fools,” Jamie says and laments that he doesn’t have a shirt to rip clean off to fashion crude shorts out of. “Do you remember the last time we ended up completely nude in public?” Patrick reminds Jamie. He does, it was when those two hot dogging pilots at the air show buzzed them and the speed of the jets ripped all their clothes off. “And what did we do then?” Patrick continues. “Oh right, we took those foolz to schoolz,” Jamie says, pulling out a very cool phrase he coined. “We jumped in the water. Because in the water no one can see you nude and in the water…” With that their eyes glaze over and they enter a patented Twin Memory. That’s right! We are diving into Leviathan, an Alien/The Thing rip-off set underwater that if made just a few years later would have probably looked way cheaper and probably went straight to video. But instead it got a theatrical release. Good for us. We pair that with The Further Adventures of Tennessee Buck, a weird little movie directed by David Keith… you know… before he realized he didn’t want to do that. Let’s go!

Leviathan (1989) – BMeTric: 34.7; Notability: 50

StreetCreditReport.com – BMeTric: top 8.4%; Notability: top 2.8%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 14.6%; Higher BMeT: Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan, Police Academy 6: City Under Siege, Halloween 5: The Revenge of Michael Myers, A Nightmare on Elm Street: The Dream Child, Wild Orchid, Cyborg, The Karate Kid Part III, The Fly II, No Holds Barred, Star Trek V: The Final Frontier, Cutting Class, Sleepaway Camp III: Teenage Wasteland, DeepStar Six, The Toxic Avenger Part II, Pink Cadillac, Shocker, Speed Zone, The Punisher, The January Man, The Horror Show, and 1 more; Higher Notability: Tango & Cash, Troop Beverly Hills, Star Trek V: The Final Frontier, A Nightmare on Elm Street: The Dream Child, See No Evil, Hear No Evil, Fletch Lives, Harlem Nights; Lower RT: The Horror Show, Speed Zone, Kinjite: Forbidden Subjects, The Toxic Avenger Part II, Police Academy 6: City Under Siege, Worth Winning, Night Game, Wired, Dream a Little Dream, Wild Orchid, No Holds Barred, She’s Out of Control, Halloween 5: The Revenge of Michael Myers, Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan, Millennium, Chattahoochee, Sleepaway Camp III: Teenage Wasteland, Cookie, Troop Beverly Hills, Three Fugitives, and 13 more; Notes: Played on television 40 times in the 90s, not bad. A lot of horror sequels in ‘89 as well, Friday the 13th 8 (played 27 times), Halloween 5 (15 times), Nightmare on Elm Street: Dream Child (39 times), and The Fly II (35 times). So this played more that those which is interesting. More interesting (maybe) is none of the Sleepaway Camps played at all on television in the 90s … that seems crazy, but I ran a check and it seems to be the case. Sleepaway Camp, it turns out, is a purely post-2000 cult horror sensation.

Leonard Maltin – 1.5 stars – Yet one more dreadful Alien clone, this one set underwater (like several other 1989 releases), with a team of men and women imperiled as they toil in the depths of the Atlantic. Skip it.

(Leonard, would you say that perhaps we should … spare ourselves? Anyways, you can tell two things from this review. First, the complete lack of interest by Leonard in horror films in general. And second, just how bad this film must be for him to not even bother to slam it very hard. Exciting.)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2G2OSQyIjGc/

(Love the voiceover immediately. You can explicitly tell this is just The Thing + Alien = Leviathan though. Amusingly unoriginal.)

Directors – George P. Cosmatos – ( Known For: Tombstone; Escape to Athena; The Cassandra Crossing; Of Unknown Origin; The Day the Fish Came Out; Massacre in Rome; The Beloved; Future BMT: Shadow Conspiracy; BMT: Rambo: First Blood Part II; Cobra; Leviathan; Notes: Died in 2005, but was retired from 1997 I think. His son is also a director having directed Mandy.)

Writers – David Webb Peoples – ( Known For: Blade Runner; Unforgiven; 12 Monkeys; Ladyhawke; Hero; The Blood of Heroes; Unforgiven; BMT: Leviathan; Soldier; Notes: Nominated for an Oscar for Unforgiven. Seemingly still alive at around 83 years old, but he hasn’t done anything since 1997 either.)

Jeb Stuart – ( Known For: Die Hard; The Fugitive; Blood Done Sign My Name; Vital Signs; Future BMT: Just Cause; Switchback; BMT: Leviathan; Lock Up; Another 48 Hrs.; Fire Down Below; Notes: Created Vikings: Valhalla more recently, but also hasn’t written a feature since 1997. We need to watch Switchback, it’s a serial killer film I’ve barely heard of.)

Actors – Peter Weller – ( Known For: RoboCop; Star Trek Into Darkness; The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai Across the 8th Dimension; Naked Lunch; Mighty Aphrodite; Prey; Beyond the Clouds; Skin Trade; Of Unknown Origin; Shakedown; Cat Chaser; Butch and Sundance: The Early Days; Shoot the Moon; Just Tell Me What You Want; Repentance; Ivans xtc.; Dragon Eyes; The New Age; Shadow Hours; Top of the World; Future BMT: Screamers; The Order; Firstborn; Undiscovered; BMT: RoboCop 2; Leviathan; Notes: Was nominated for an Oscar for a short film, Partners, which is wild. He is obviously more well known for RoboCop because the rest of his filmography seems to alternate between Schlock and Cult Classics.)

Richard Crenna – ( Known For: First Blood; Sabrina; Body Heat; Hot Shots! Part Deux; Our Miss Brooks; Wait Until Dark; The Sand Pebbles; Death Ship; Jonathan Livingston Seagull; The Flamingo Kid; Breakheart Pass; The Evil; A Cop; Marooned; Doctors’ Wives; Table for Five; Star!; Catlow; Made in Paris; Stone Cold Dead; Future BMT: Summer Rental; Wrongfully Accused; BMT: Rambo: First Blood Part II; Rambo III; Leviathan; Jade; Notes: Nominated for four Emmys and won one for The Rape of Richard Beck. Almost certainly known to film lovers a as Colonel Trautman the man who “created” Rambo.)

Amanda Pays – ( Known For: The Kindred; Oxford Blues; Off Limits; A Grande Arte; Ablaze; Subterfuge; BMT: Leviathan; Notes: She was in a few episodes of The Flash, otherwise she appears to have been semi-retired for a while. Comes from an acting family, and is married to Corbin Bernsen. Which probably explains a bit role in Psych.)

Budget/Gross – $21 million / Domestic: $15,704,614 (Worldwide: $15,704,614)

(That is abominable. For a horror film especially. You design it for the $20 million budget expecting a $30-50 million return at least, but this is a bomb for sure.)

Rotten Tomatoes – 24% (6/25): A deep-sea thriller with an unusually strong cast and potent ideas, Leviathan quickly plunges into an abyss of weak thrills and lame kills.

(Sounds about right. The unusually strong cast is right, although with hindsight … well, let’s just say that Ernie Hudson and Peter Weller didn’t quite finish up the 90s as A-listers.)

NYT Short Review: Spare yourself. / Miners trapped on the ocean floor with a giant eel. / Adventure about metal mining on the ocean floor.

Poster – Leviasklog

(Very cool, although pretty unrealistic, poster. I’ve seen it before, but until you watch the movie you don’t really recognize how strange it is that they use an event from the end of the film to advertise the movie. A bit random. A.)

Tagline(s) – How long can you hold your breath? (C)

(Hmmmm, I guess this is not the worst it can be. It makes some sense and is intriguing. Although it doesn’t have much to do with the movie.)

Keyword(s) – daddio

Future BMT: 79.0 Daddy Day Camp (2007), 58.9 Jury Duty (1995), 57.4 The NeverEnding Story II: The Next Chapter (1990), 57.1 Ghost Dad (1990), 50.8 Getting Even with Dad (1994), 50.5 Sleepwalkers (1992), 49.3 My Girl 2 (1994), 46.4 Daddy Day Care (2003), 44.6 Man of the House (1995), 41.6 My Baby’s Daddy (2004), 41.6 Speed Zone (1989), 41.3 Club Paradise (1986), 38.9 Fled (1996), 38.3 My Father the Hero (1994), 37.9 Dracula: Dead and Loving It (1995), 36.9 Desperate Hours (1990), 35.8 Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo (1984), 35.8 I Got the Hook Up (1998), 34.3 Spring Break (1983), 34.1 Father Hood (1993)

BMT: Speed 2: Cruise Control (1997), Troll 2 (1990), Super Mario Bros. (1993), Cool as Ice (1991), Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III (1993), Poltergeist III (1988), Shanghai Surprise (1986), Return to the Blue Lagoon (1991), The Lawnmower Man (1992), Arthur 2: On the Rocks (1988), Fire Birds (1990), Star Trek V: The Final Frontier (1989), Virtuosity (1995), Double Impact (1991), Police Academy 2: Their First Assignment (1985), Navy Seals (1990), Iron Eagle (1986), Rambo III (1988), High School High (1996), Ernest Goes to Jail (1990), Clifford (1994), Man Trouble (1992), Leviathan (1989), Universal Soldier (1992), Days of Thunder (1990), No Mercy (1986), The Postman (1997), Eraser (1996), Hackers (1995), Rising Sun (1993), Lock Up (1989), Magic in the Water (1995), The Adventures of Ford Fairlane (1990)

Best Options (Horror): 50.5 Sleepwalkers (1992), 37.9 Dracula: Dead and Loving It (1995), 34.7 Leviathan (1989)

(This was a sparse category. Ultimately I think this was chosen because it was 1990 and was the only real good option from that year.)

Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 13) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Richard Crenna is No. 2 billed in Leviathan and No. 2 billed in Rambo III, which also stars Sylvester Stallone (No. 1 billed) who is in The Expendables 3 (No. 1 billed) which also stars Jason Statham (No. 2 billed) who is in In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale (No. 1 billed) which also stars Leelee Sobieski (No. 3 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 1 billed) => (2 + 2) + (1 + 1) + (2 + 1) + (3 + 1) = 13. If we were to watch The Glass House we can get the HoE Number down to 12.

Notes – The experience was an adventure and a joy for Stan Winston and his monster-making team. Not only did they get to live in Rome for four months during filming, and even learn scuba diving, a recreational activity many of them continue to pursue to this day, but they also got to work with a director who was unusually generous with inviting their input. In addition to producing the creature effects, Cosmatos trusted Winston to direct the second unit action sequences. “George Cosmatos always let us take the lead in how to shoot the creature,” noted Landon. “He was such a big-hearted person, he would throw up his hands, and say ‘I don’t know what I’m doing.’ He’d just admit it and let us do what we knew how to do. We know what our characters can do and we know the best way to use them. We’re thinking about what our characters are going to have to do on the set the entire time we’re building them. So we are goldmines of information and knowledge. Some directors recognize that, and really rely on us.”

The creature effects team encountered some language differences during the making of Aliens (1986) in England, but the challenges were much bigger in Italy. “I always keep a log of everything we order on shows, just in case accounting comes back later and asks about it,” noted lead creature effects mechanic and on-set technician Richard Landon. “In my log from that show, you can tell that there were some real language issues, because a lot of times, instead of words, I drew pictures of nuts or bolts or that kind of thing. I would quite often have to draw a picture just to make it clear what I was talking about.” There were cultural differences too, such as the Italian’s crew tendency to drink large amounts of red wine at lunch. “They’d say, ‘Here, have some wine!’ remembered Mahan, “and we’d say, ‘Uh, thanks, but we’re not allowed to drink while we’re working.’ Of course, every once in a while, we’d sneak a little, but nothing like the way those guys were drinking it down.”

Deep Star Six (1989) was the first release of several underwater-monster-themed feature films released during 1989-90, including The Abyss (1989), Leviathan (1989), The Evil Below (1989), and Lords of the Deep (1989), and ‘The Rift’ (aka ‘Endless Descent’, 1990). With the exception of ‘The Abyss’, none of these films were box office hits.

The movie is set in the year 2027

Once, during the underwater photography, John Rosengrant and other members of the SWS on-set crew were underwater for so long and at such depth, that they were unaware of a violent storm that had come in, threatening to rip the topside boat from its anchor and smash it against nearby rocks. “We had no idea all of this was going on, until we came to the surface and saw all this commotion,” recalled Rosengrant. “We all go out of the water and helped to push the boat away from the rocks and hold it steady in this storm.”

Iron Eagle Preview

September 1st, 1997

Jamie and Patrick are looking phat. Belt buckles? Large. Jeans? Dusty. Mountain Dew? X-treme. They are trying out stylez in their tween years and let’s just say, it’s working. Their dad had one word of advice for them as they navigate this crazy thing we call life: “Bad things? Again?” With that he swept his arm in the general direction of the sky and called it ‘nature’s movie.’ Despite this being wrong (Nature’s movie is their imagination) they ventured forth and found themselves at the local hot air balloon park (or ‘loon park, as the kids say). Soon they are up in the air, free as a couple of dope looking birds feeling the wind blowing through their hair. Just when it seems they are about to reach a profound personal and professional moment of clarity a small airplane buzzes right by their ‘loon, nearly tossing them right out of the ‘loon basket (or ‘lasket, as the kids say). “What thuuuuu?” Jamie says, while Patrick shakes his fist at their tormeters. “Those must be the high school boyfriends of those girls we were scoping in the other ‘lasket”, Patrick says, pointing to the neighboring ‘lasket that happened to be carrying a couple of bodacious babes. Patrick and Jamie would have tried to explain that they actually already had girlfriends in the Niagara Falls area, but the pilot was long gone, having already accomplished his mission. “We look like fools,” Jamie says, ripping his shirt clean off. “Au contraire,” Patrick says and quickly reminds Jamie of the last time they were buzzed by a couple of hot dogging pilots. “Oh right, we rulez-ed those foolz,” Jamie says, pulling out a very cool phrase he coined. With that their eyes glaze over and they enter a patented Twin Memory. That’s right! We are entering the hazard sector and checking out the classic Top Gun rip-off (kind of) Iron Eagle. We decided to pair that with a very strange Stephen Baldwin flick called Bitter Harvest. So we’re going to have a very normal time watching this very normal double feature. Let’s go!

Iron Eagle (1986) – BMeTric: 40.7; Notability: 45

StreetCreditReport.com – BMeTric: top 4.4%; Notability: top 4.8%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 10.3%; Higher BMeT: Howard the Duck, Troll, King Kong Lives, Maximum Overdrive, Raw Deal, Solarbabies, Firewalker, Poltergeist II: The Other Side, Sorority House Massacre, Club Paradise, Iron Eagle; Higher Notability: Howard the Duck, Jumpin’ Jack Flash, The Golden Child, Poltergeist II: The Other Side, Invaders from Mars, A Fine Mess, Ratboy, Raw Deal, Solarbabies, Club Paradise, Armed and Dangerous, The Clan of the Cave Bear; Lower RT: 8 Million Ways to Die, Solarbabies, King Kong Lives, Band of the Hand, American Anthem, Sorority House Massacre, Deadtime Stories, Nobody’s Fool, Firewalker, The Clan of the Cave Bear, Armed and Dangerous, TerrorVision, Dangerously Close, Club Paradise, Quicksilver, Howard the Duck, Tai-Pan, Maximum Overdrive, The Delta Force, Soul Man, and 3 more; Notes: Obviously the most interesting one is Soul Man (which played an astonishing 58 times, and the New York Times highlighted as “fast and funny” … no words). Anyways, I’m joking. I will say Band of the Hand is very weird looking (played 18 times), and the highest I looked at was The Golden Child (playing 92 times). I think mostly I was surprised to see how many times something like Solarbabies (21) or American Anthem (30) were played. This played more like Golden Child at a crazy 91 times, probably as a cheap action flick to play on HBO or USA. Premiered primetime, channel 11, on November 20, 1991. And that’s right! It was doing the Home Video Special! It played November 20, 1990, and then November 22 and 23, 1991, but otherwise not at all until 1993. Kind of weird, because it definitely shows that that strat predated Home Alone.

Leonard Maltin – 1.5 stars – Dum-dum comic-book movie about an 18-year-old who commandeers an F-16 fighter jet and flies to the Middle East (playing rock music on his Walkman all the way) in order to save his dad, who’s been taken prisoner. Full of jingoistic ideals, dubious ethics, and people who die and miraculously come back to life. Not boring, just stupid. Followed by three sequels.

(Fun fact: the first three films received the same grade by Leonard. It is dum-dum indeed, and for the record, Louis Gosset Jr. isn’t a zombie at the end, he just has a dumb twist ending where his noble and inspiring deal was instead a noble and inspiring not-death.)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0S2CdOrSJ-8/

(Already love the soundtrack. And I’m loving this guy’s ‘tude. Whatever, I already love this movie. Screw it. Also Suchet, bam, love it. They are using that “Academy Award Winner” status for Gosset Jr. for all it’s worth too.)

Directors – Sidney J. Furie – ( Known For: The Entity; The Ipcress File; My 5 Wives; Little Fauss and Big Halsy; The Appaloosa; The Boys in Company C; Lady Sings the Blues; Iron Eagle II; The Leather Boys; Purple Hearts; The Taking of Beverly Hills; Sheila Levine Is Dead and Living in New York; Night of the Juggler; Hit!; Iron Eagle on the Attack; The Naked Runner; Hollow Point; Rock My World; Doctor Blood’s Coffin; Gable and Lombard; Future BMT: Ladybugs; BMT: Superman IV: The Quest for Peace; Iron Eagle; Notes: Wild career, lots of action which then petered out with a few Dolph Lundgren direct to videos in the 00s. But he also directed episodes of 18 Wheels of Justice. The very meandering IMDb plot synopsis is worth a read. And yeah, its premiere was highlighted in the January 12, 2000 NY Times listing on TNN.)

Writers – Kevin Alyn Elders – ( Known For: Echelon Conspiracy; Iron Eagle II; Future BMT: Aces: Iron Eagle III; BMT: Iron Eagle; Notes: The trailer for Echelon Conspiracy is something else. He also directed Simon Sez which is nuts.)

Sidney J. Furie – ( Known For: The Boys in Company C; Iron Eagle II; Purple Hearts; The Taking of Beverly Hills; The Rage; The Lawyer; Night of Passion; A Dangerous Age; Future BMT: Aces: Iron Eagle III; BMT: Iron Eagle; Notes: He is incredibly old. He was born in 1933 and he was writing on television series in the 50s. Pretty wild that in his 50s he was writing-directing Iron Eagle of all things.)

Actors – Louis Gossett Jr. – ( Known For: An Officer and a Gentleman; The Punisher; Toy Soldiers; The Deep; Enemy Mine; The Principal; Travels with My Aunt; Diggstown; Three Months; The Perfect Game; The Choirboys; A Raisin in the Sun; The Landlord; The Laughing Policeman; Undercover Grandpa; Iron Eagle II; Left Behind III: World at War; Cover; Not to Forget; Finders Keepers; Future BMT: Blue Chips; Firewalker; Daddy’s Little Girls; Why Did I Get Married Too?; Delgo; Aces: Iron Eagle III; A Good Man in Africa; BMT: Jaws 3-D; Iron Eagle; Notes: He won an Oscar for An Officer and a Gentleman, and then he starting cashing dem checks. He obviously has an excellent filmography, I just also know he did a ton of garbage in the 90s. More power to him.)

Jason Gedrick – ( Known For: Risky Business; Backdraft; Born on the Fourth of July; Bad Boys; Iron Eagle II; Promised Land; Crossing the Bridge; The Zoo Gang; One Eyed King; War Flowers; Power 98; Massive Retaliation; Future BMT: The Heavenly Kid; Rooftops; BMT: Iron Eagle; Summer Catch; Notes: Incredibly, he’s an actual actor still. Not typical for these types of teen roles. He was in 10 episodes of Dexter.)

David Suchet – ( Known For: Flushed Away; The Bank Job; Executive Decision; Harry and the Hendersons; A Perfect Murder; Greystoke: The Legend of Tarzan, Lord of the Apes; Effie Gray; The Missionary; The Falcon and the Snowman; Foolproof; The Little Drummer Girl; Flood; A World Apart; To Kill A Priest; When the Whales Came; Trenchcoat; Sunday; Future BMT: American Assassin; Arthur and the Invisibles; The In-Laws; BMT: Iron Eagle; Wing Commander; Notes: Y’all know David Suchet! … right? Poirot? Whatever, he tends to play bad guys when they need someone vaguely Middle Eastern (which he isn’t. See this film, or Executive Decision), or someone French (which he isn’t. But Poirot is Belgian, which means he can play the French villain in Harry and the Hendersons).)

Budget/Gross – $18 million / Domestic: $24,159,872 (Worldwide: $24,159,872)

(That ain’t bad, and now we see why this film has two crazier sequels.)

Rotten Tomatoes – 20% (1/5)

(Oooooooo, a little synopsis for me? A blatant rip-off of Top Gun, this somehow is even more absurd and imperialistic.)

NY Times Short Review: Conventional but diverting Middle East kidnap-adventure.

Poster – Fred ‘Iron’ Segal

(This is an A+… if it were the cover of a dime store thriller. Ha! C-.)

Tagline(s) – Break the sound barrier. Break the speed barrier. (F… but actually a nonsensical C-)

(Oh, so you didn’t want to write out the thousand words that are actually on the poster? I don’t even know where this one comes from, but it’s miles better than the poster’s “tagline.” Because I’m a professional I have to give this an F because it’s not the tagline I see.)

Keyword(s) – daddio

Future BMT: 79.0 Daddy Day Camp (2007), 58.9 Jury Duty (1995), 57.4 The NeverEnding Story II: The Next Chapter (1990), 57.0 Ghost Dad (1990), 50.8 Getting Even with Dad (1994), 50.5 Sleepwalkers (1992), 49.2 My Girl 2 (1994), 46.4 Daddy Day Care (2003), 44.6 Man of the House (1995), 41.6 My Baby’s Daddy (2004), 41.6 Speed Zone (1989), 41.3 Club Paradise (1986), 38.8 Fled (1996), 38.3 My Father the Hero (1994), 37.9 Dracula: Dead and Loving It (1995), 36.9 Desperate Hours (1990), 35.8 Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo (1984), 35.7 I Got the Hook Up (1998), 34.7 Leviathan (1989), 34.3 Spring Break (1983)

BMT: Speed 2: Cruise Control (1997), Troll 2 (1990), Super Mario Bros. (1993), Cool as Ice (1991), Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III (1993), Poltergeist III (1988), Shanghai Surprise (1986), Return to the Blue Lagoon (1991), The Lawnmower Man (1992), Arthur 2: On the Rocks (1988), Fire Birds (1990), Star Trek V: The Final Frontier (1989), Virtuosity (1995), Double Impact (1991), Police Academy 2: Their First Assignment (1985), Navy Seals (1990), Iron Eagle (1986), Rambo III (1988), High School High (1996), Ernest Goes to Jail (1990), Clifford (1994), Man Trouble (1992), Universal Soldier (1992), Days of Thunder (1990), No Mercy (1986), The Postman (1997), Eraser (1996), Hackers (1995), Rising Sun (1993), Lock Up (1989), Magic in the Water (1995), The Adventures of Ford Fairlane (1990)

Best Options (Action): 41.6 Speed Zone (1989), 41.0 Iron Eagle (1986), 38.8 Fled (1996), 36.9 Desperate Hours (1990), 27.9 Krull (1983), 25.7 Any Which Way You Can (1980), 25.7 The Cowboy Way (1994), 24.6 A Low Down Dirty Shame (1994), 24.5 A Fine Mess (1986), 20.8 Kickboxer (1989), 18.5 Stick (1985), 12.1 Only the Strong (1993), 8.0 Let It Ride (1989)

(Hellllllll yeah. Love to see it. We’ll hit up a bunch of these in the future. Krull in particular is a weird but very fun film I would like to revisit at some point.)

Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 18) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Tim Thomerson is No. 4 billed in Iron Eagle and No. 5 billed in Rhinestone, which also stars Sylvester Stallone (No. 1 billed) who is in The Expendables 3 (No. 1 billed) which also stars Jason Statham (No. 2 billed) who is in In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale (No. 1 billed) which also stars Leelee Sobieski (No. 3 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 1 billed) => (4 + 5) + (1 + 1) + (2 + 1) + (3 + 1) = 18. If we were to watch American Dreamz we can get the HoE Number down to 15.

Notes – During the Snake Scene, in which Doug Masters races his Cessna 150 against a motorcycle-riding Knotcher, the pilot of the Cessna 150 Aerobat was renowned aerobatic pilot Art Scholl. He was killed later that year when his Pitts S-2 camera plane crashed while filming in-cockpit footage for the flat spin sequence in Top Gun (1986).

The character of Colonel Charles “Chappy” Sinclair was inspired by the real life U.S. Air Force General Daniel “Chappie” James, Jr. General Chappie James was a member of the famed all-black Tuskegee Airmen, and also flew fighter jets in the Korean War and the Vietnam War. He later became the first black four-star General in U.S. history.

In some scenes, some of the ordinance carried on the F-16s was real, rather than props. At one point during filming the Israeli Air Force (IAF) was called upon to carry out a strike against terrorist targets in Lebanon. A ground controller saw a pair of IAF F-16s already in the air with the required load-out, and vectored them toward the target. They were halfway to the target when someone realized the aircraft that had been ordered to attack were attached to the film shoot, and that the planes were emblazoned with American markings and insignia. They were recalled from the strike in time to avoid an international incident.

This film was originally intended to be released in the summer of 1986, but the release was pushed up to January to avoid competition and confusion with Top Gun (1986).

Morgan Freeman auditioned for the role of Chappy Sinclair.

High School High Preview

September 1st, 1998

Jamie and Patrick are looking dope. Collars? Popped. Jean short? Tight. Coca-cola? Ice cold. It’s nearing the end of middle school and they are grabbing onto one last taste of childhood. Their dad had one word of advice for them on the eve of this momentous year: “Try to watch less bad things, perhaps.” With that he swept his arm in the general direction of the beach and called it ‘nature’s movie.’ Despite this being wrong (Nature’s movie is Ace Ventura: When Nature Calls, obviously) they ventured forth and found themselves feeling the sand between their toes and the rays hitting their chest. As a couple of sweet babes walk by they lower their shades and do a patented Twin Double Take, a.k.a. The Quadruple Take. Suddenly they feel a hand on their shoulder. “You guys checking out our babes?” A couple of beefy high school bros asks them. His tone suggests they shouldn’t answer truthfully. They explain that they were simply checking out their swimsuits since they believe they would look great on their girlfriends. They assure them that they will buy said swimsuits for the next time they are in the Niagara Falls area, but this doesn’t fool the beefy bros and Jamie and Patrick find themselves upside down in a trash can. “We can’t abide this!” Jamie says, slamming his tiny fists with a metal clang. The beefy bros’ mistake was insulting their very real girlfriends who happen to live in Niagara Falls. “Time to get even and schoolz these foolz,” Jamie says, pulling out a very cool phrase he coined. With that their eyes glaze over and they enter a patented Twin Memory in order to recall the last time they had to pound some high school fiends. That’s right! We are back in the saddle of the Daddio cycle for High School High. It’s a Dangerous Minds style parody film starring Jon Lovitz that aired on TV on September 1st, 1999. I recall seeing it as a kid, but don’t remember much about it. It aired the same day as the Michael Dudikoff film Soldier Boyz. It’s a film that I honestly can’t believe is real. Let’s go!

High School High (1996) – BMeTric: 40.1; Notability: 48

StreetCreditReport.com – BMeTric: top 12.0%; Notability: top 7.2%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 19.7%; Higher BMeT: Barb Wire, Kazaam, Striptease, Bio-Dome, The Island of Dr. Moreau, The Crow: City of Angels, Ed, Hellraiser: Bloodline, The Stupids, Spy Hard, Mr. Wrong, Poison Ivy II, D3: The Mighty Ducks, Solo, The Glimmer Man, First Kid, Eddie, Chain Reaction, Dunston Checks In, Maximum Risk, and 10 more; Higher Notability: The Fan, Jingle All the Way, Spy Hard, Chain Reaction, Daylight, Up Close & Personal, Mulholland Falls, Eddie, The Associate, Dear God, Eye for an Eye, Sgt. Bilko, The Island of Dr. Moreau, The Crow: City of Angels, The Adventures of Pinocchio, Space Truckers, Larger Than Life, Girl 6; Lower RT: The Dentist, Big Bully, Ripe, Bio-Dome, Kazaam, Ed, Faithful, Mr. Wrong, Spy Hard, Eye for an Eye, Bulletproof, Solo, Celtic Pride, Curdled, House Arrest, The Glimmer Man, The Crow: City of Angels, In Love and War, Larger Than Life, Down Periscope, and 26 more; Notes: Played 38 times, premiering on December 5th, primetime on Showtime. Some oddities: Spy Hard played 0 times on television despite coming out in 1996, that seems odd, but I’m 99% this is true. Daylight also played once, but that makes more sense since they were holding big films for rental by that point.

RogerEbert.com – 1.5 stars – High School High” opens with a big laugh (“Produced by the producer formerly known as David Zucker”) and goes downhill. Zucker, associated with the “Naked Gun” movies, wants to do the same thing here for the urban high school genre, but the movie makes two mistakes: (1) It isn’t very funny, and (2) it makes the crucial error of taking its story seriously and angling for a happy ending.

(Oh … was that the big laugh? The first third of the film is decent. Not funny, but pretty amusing at times, and Lovtiz I think is a surprisingly good leading comedy actor. The second part makes sense though, I do mostly remember it getting pretty earnest in the end.)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R4ZUi1mEbG0/

(Ha the Dangerous Minds start is great. I remember this trailer so well. It feels like it should be funny. But it also feels like it is going to be super duper racist.)

Directors – Hart Bochner – ( Known For: PCU; Just Add Water; BMT: High School High; Notes: He appears to have become an actor almost exclusively after this, including ten episodes of The Starter Wife. He was Ellis in Die Hard, who I think was the coke guy, which is hilarious.)

Writers – David Zucker – ( Known For: Airplane!; The Naked Gun: From the Files of Police Squad!; Top Secret!; Naked Gun 33 1/3: The Final Insult; The Naked Gun 2½: The Smell of Fear; BASEketball; The Kentucky Fried Movie; Future BMT: An American Carol; BMT: Scary Movie V; High School High; Notes: He’s tried a few spoof films more recently and they don’t really work (I’m looking at you American Carol). It seems like his career got sidelined a bit when he started to explicitly work on Republican ads.)

Robert LoCash – ( Known For: Naked Gun 33 1/3: The Final Insult; BASEketball; CB4; Bad Girls from Valley High; BMT: High School High; Notes: He wrote a bunch of the Zucker spoofs. He also wrote the iOS game The Naked Gun: I.C.U.P. which is maybe intriguing, although I assume it is basically lost to time at this point.)

Pat Proft – ( Known For: Real Genius; The Naked Gun: From the Files of Police Squad!; Hot Shots!; Bachelor Party; Hot Shots! Part Deux; Naked Gun 33 1/3: The Final Insult; The Naked Gun 2½: The Smell of Fear; Police Academy 3: Back in Training; Police Academy: Mission to Moscow; Moving Violations; Brain Donors; Lucky Stiff; Future BMT: Scary Movie 3; Scary Movie 4; Wrongfully Accused; Mr. Magoo; BMT: Police Academy; Police Academy 2: Their First Assignment; Police Academy 4: Citizens on Patrol; Scary Movie V; Police Academy 5: Assignment: Miami Beach; Police Academy 6: City Under Siege; High School High; Notes: The rumor was Zucker and him were going to make a new Naked Gun, although I wonder if that was right around when Scary Movie V was released and the fact that that was a huge catastrophe basically stopped that from happening.)

Actors – Jon Lovitz – ( Known For: Matilda; A League of Their Own; Big; The Wedding Singer; Happiness; Three Amigos!; Hotel Transylvania; Rat Race; Hotel Transylvania 2; The Producers; Southland Tales; Cats & Dogs; The Brave Little Toaster; I Could Never Be Your Woman; Sandy Wexler; An American Tail: Fievel Goes West; Extinct; Small Time Crooks; Hamburger: The Motion Picture; Casino Jack; Future BMT: Coneheads; The Stepford Wives; Loaded Weapon 1; My Stepmother Is an Alien; Jumpin’ Jack Flash; Dickie Roberts: Former Child Star; Mr. Destiny; Eight Crazy Nights; Mom and Dad Save the World; Trapped in Paradise; City Slickers II: The Legend of Curly’s Gold; BMT: Grown Ups 2; Little Nicky; The Ridiculous 6; Mother’s Day; The Benchwarmers; North; 3000 Miles to Graceland; High School High; Lost & Found; Notes: Obviously well known for his years on SNL, and also for voicing The Critic. What I know of him now he basically has his comedy club in L.A. and does stuff there. Nominated for two Emmys as part of SNL.)

Tia Carrere – ( Known For: True Lies; Lilo & Stitch; Wayne’s World; Wayne’s World 2; Showdown in Little Tokyo; Easter Sunday; You May Not Kiss the Bride; Wild Cherry; My Teacher’s Wife; Hard Breakers; Zombie Nightmare; Showdown in Manila; The Immortals; Gutshot Straight; Merlin: The Return; Aloha Summer; Top of the World; Hollow Point; Back in the Day; The Legend of Hallowaiian; Future BMT: Harley Davidson and the Marlboro Man; Jury Duty; Kull the Conqueror; BMT: Rising Sun; High School High; Notes: Mostly a television actress now. She was discovered in a grocery store in Hawaii. Sang on the soundtrack of Wayne’s World.)

Louise Fletcher – ( Known For: One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest; Cruel Intentions; Exorcist II: The Heretic; The Player; Two Moon Junction; 2 Days in the Valley; Blue Steel; Brainstorm; Grizzly II: Revenge; The Cheap Detective; Thieves Like Us; The Lady in Red; Strange Invaders; A Map of the World; Return to Two Moon Junction; Big Eden; Strange Behavior; A Gathering of Eagles; Cassadaga; The Last Sin Eater; Future BMT: Flowers in the Attic; Mulholland Falls; Invaders from Mars; Best of the Best; Gone Fishin’; BMT: Virtuosity; Firestarter; On Deadly Ground; High School High; Notes: Won the Oscar for One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest. She died in 2022. I’ll let you get into her personal life “controversies” if you want, they seem mild by today’s standards.)

Budget/Gross – N/A / Domestic: $21,302,121 (Worldwide: $21,302,121)

(That isn’t bad, but probably wasn’t actually considered good at the time for an SNL alum. Sandler was already hitting decent numbers at this point. Still, most than I would have expected.)

Rotten Tomatoes – 19% (3/16)

(Oh good a consensus: A one-joke movie, and that joke isn’t very funny anyways. That about sums it up.)

NY Times Short Review: Senseless plot, blunderbuss comedy.

Poster – High School Sigh

(Oooooohhhhhh boy. I gotta give that an F out of principle. My word.)

Tagline(s) – There’s a new teacha in the hood! (F)

(Nope. No. Not a chance.)

Keyword(s) – daddio

Top 10: The Shawshank Redemption (1994), The Godfather (1972), Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade (1989), Back to the Future Part II (1989), Dead Poets Society (1989), Citizen Kane (1941), Platoon (1986), The Game (1997), Dumb and Dumber (1994), O Brother, Where Art Thou? (2000)

Future BMT: 78.9 Daddy Day Camp (2007), 61.2 Pet Sematary II (1992), 58.9 Jury Duty (1995), 57.4 The NeverEnding Story II: The Next Chapter (1990), 57.0 Ghost Dad (1990), 50.8 Getting Even with Dad (1994), 49.2 My Girl 2 (1994), 47.7 Delta Force 2: The Colombian Connection (1990), 46.4 Daddy Day Care (2003), 44.5 Man of the House (1995), 43.6 The Final Conflict (1981), 41.6 My Baby’s Daddy (2004), 41.5 Speed Zone (1989), 41.0 Iron Eagle (1986), 38.2 My Father the Hero (1994), 37.9 Dracula: Dead and Loving It (1995), 36.9 Desperate Hours (1990), 35.8 Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo (1984), 35.7 I Got the Hook Up (1998), 34.7 Leviathan (1989)

BMT: Speed 2: Cruise Control (1997), Troll 2 (1990), Super Mario Bros. (1993), Freddy’s Dead: The Final Nightmare (1991), Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III (1993), Poltergeist III (1988), Cyborg (1989), Shanghai Surprise (1986), Return to the Blue Lagoon (1991), The Lawnmower Man (1992), Arthur 2: On the Rocks (1988), Fire Birds (1990), Star Trek V: The Final Frontier (1989), Virtuosity (1995), Police Academy 2: Their First Assignment (1985), Navy Seals (1990), Rambo III (1988), High School High (1996), Ernest Goes to Jail (1990), Clifford (1994), Man Trouble (1992), Hard to Kill (1990), Universal Soldier (1992), Days of Thunder (1990), No Mercy (1986), The Postman (1997), The Marrying Man (1991), Wild Bill (1995), Hackers (1995), Lock Up (1989), Magic in the Water (1995), The Adventures of Ford Fairlane (1990)

Best Options (Comedy): 78.9 Daddy Day Camp (2007), 58.9 Jury Duty (1995), 57.0 Ghost Dad (1990), 50.8 Getting Even with Dad (1994), 49.2 My Girl 2 (1994), 46.4 Daddy Day Care (2003), 44.5 Man of the House (1995), 41.6 My Baby’s Daddy (2004), 41.5 Speed Zone (1989), 40.0 High School High (1996), 38.2 My Father the Hero (1994), 37.9 Dracula: Dead and Loving It (1995), 35.8 Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo (1984), 35.7 I Got the Hook Up (1998), 34.3 Man’s Best Friend (1993), 34.2 Spring Break (1983), 34.1 Father Hood (1993), 33.3 Drop Dead Fred (1991), 33.3 Mom and Dad Save the World (1992), 33.2 The Jerky Boys (1995), 32.2 It Takes Two (1995), 31.9 High Spirits (1988), 31.2 Arthur and the Invisibles (2006), 30.9 Another You (1991), 30.3 Who’s Harry Crumb? (1989), 29.7 Spaced Invaders (1990), 28.7 About My Father (2023), 28.0 Fools Rush In (1997), 26.1 Airheads (1994), 26.1 Baby’s Day Out (1994), 26.0 Feds (1988), 24.6 A Low Down Dirty Shame (1994), 24.4 A Fine Mess (1986), 24.4 Sibling Rivalry (1990), 23.1 Clean Slate (1994), 22.6 Moonlight and Valentino (1995), 20.1 Art School Confidential (2006), 19.1 Folks! (1992), 18.9 Threesome (1994), 18.8 Moving (1988), 17.8 Brewster’s Millions (1985), 17.3 Hexed (1993), 16.7 Mr. Destiny (1990), 16.0 Opportunity Knocks (1990), 11.6 With Honors (1994), 8.0 Let It Ride (1989)

(Oh … Jury Duty. But no, fine we don’t need to do that won … but like Jury Duty though? Why didn’t we do Jury Duty again? I do love the plot. The 00s films are all “Dad” or “Father” films basically. Just kind of funny in that it is two different plots smushed together.)

Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 18) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Tia Carrere is No. 2 billed in High School High and No. 3 billed in Rising Sun, which also stars Wesley Snipes (No. 2 billed) who is in Demolition Man (No. 2 billed) which also stars Sylvester Stallone (No. 1 billed) who is in The Expendables 3 (No. 1 billed) which also stars Jason Statham (No. 2 billed) who is in In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale (No. 1 billed) which also stars Leelee Sobieski (No. 3 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 1 billed) => (2 + 3) + (2 + 2) + (1 + 1) + (2 + 1) + (3 + 1) = 18. If we were to watch Trapped in Paradise we can get the HoE Number down to 12.

Notes – The film is dedicated to Elisabeth Leustig and Lexie Bigham, both of whom were involved in the movie’s production and died in automobile crashes shortly after filming was completed. Bigham acted in the film, and Leustig was the film’s casting director.

Mekhi Phifer and Malinda Williams, who play love interests in this film, would later marry and have a son together. They divorced in 2003.

The car race (aka “Chicky Run”) between Griff (Mekhi Phifer) and Paco (Guillermo Diaz), where both drivers race to the edge of a cliff, with the first person jumping out of the car is considered the “chicken”, is similar to the race in the legendary film, Rebel Without a Cause (1955). Ironically, actress Natalie Wood who played Judy, the Chicky Run starter in the latter film, is the mother of actress Natasha Gregson Wagner, who played Julie Rubels, the pregnant teenage in Mr. Clark’s classroom, in this movie.

The film is dedicated to Elisabeth Leustig and Lexie Bigham.

Trey Parker turned down the chance to direct this movie even when he was a Hollywood unknown

Retribution Preview

As they sit at their parents’ large dining room table in the cavernous guest breakfast nook, Jamie and Patrick reminisce about their youth. We see their eyes glaze over and enter a patented Twin Memory.

September 1, 1999.

Jamie and Patrick are looking fly. Hats? Backwards. Jeans? Baggy. Bubblegum? Poppin’. They’re entering 7th grade and it’s time to run the show. Their dad had one word of advice for them on this last week before the end of summer: “Maybe watch something good for once.” With that he swept his arm in the general direction of the forest and called it ‘nature’s movie.’ Despite that being wrong (nature’s movie is Microcosmos, obviously), they ventured forth and now found themselves breathing fresh air and basking in the sunshine filtering through the trees. “This isn’t nature’s movie, that would be Microcosmos, but it’s still pretty nice,” Jamie says, but before Patrick can agree with him (particularly about how Microcosmos is nature’s movie), they find themselves upside-down. Apparently, while they were busy thinking about nature’s movie, Microcosmos, they inadvertently sprung some sort of trap. Out from the forest rains a volley of pinecones and pebbles. Once the attack is over, the rope holding their legs is cut and they crash to the ground, laughter ringing out from the trees around them. Even in their dazed state, Jamie and Patrick know that this could only be the work of one group… the eighth graders. Their big mistake was leaving time for Jamie and Patrick to get retribution and cement their place atop the social pyramid. “Time to get even and rulez the schoolz,” Jamie says, pulling out a very cool phrase he coined. With that their eyes glaze over and they enter a patented Twin Memory in order to recall the perfect revenge. That’s right! We are getting our own retribution against ourselves by forcing us to watch the new Liam Neeson film, Retribution, in theaters. Take that, us! It was unexpectedly difficult to determine whether this film was a wide release or not, but rest assured, it is. Although not for very long. Let’s go!

Retribution (2023) – BMeTric: 14.9; Notability: 15

StreetCreditReport.com – BMeTric: top 13.2%; Notability: top 7.6%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 11.2%; Higher BMeT: Knights of the Zodiac, Meg 2: The Trench, The Black Demon, 65, The Ritual Killer, The Out-Laws, Insidious: The Red Door, White Men Can’t Jump, Hypnotic, House Party, Heart of Stone, Maybe I Do, Your Place or Mine, Ghosted, Beautiful Disaster, Fool’s Paradise, The Tutor, Mafia Mamma, Paint, The Old Way, and 13 more; Higher Notability: Fool’s Paradise, Ghosted, House Party, Heart of Stone, Spinning Gold, Haunted Mansion, The Out-Laws, Meg 2: The Trench, Vacation Friends 2, 65, Your Place or Mine, White Men Can’t Jump, Insidious: The Red Door, About My Father, Love Again, One True Loves, Hypnotic, A Little White Lie, God Is a Bullet; Lower RT: Confidential Informant, Dead Man’s Hand, The Ritual Killer, Assassin Club, On a Wing and a Prayer, The Tutor, Fool’s Paradise, The Out-Laws, Vacation Friends 2, Robots, Fear, Mafia Mamma, Knights of the Zodiac, God Is a Bullet, One True Loves, Love Again, Ambush, Ghosted; Notes: For the BMeT ones we’ve seen two of the top 5, but obviously most of the real bad ones are streaming. The notability is suitably low, but that BMeT is going to rise for sure.

RogerEbert.com – 1.0 stars – “Retribution” is a dud destined to be erased from our cultural memory once it presumably departs theaters in a couple of weeks. According to the press release, the film promises “an immersive ticking clock thriller that straps audiences in for a high-octane ride of redemption and revenge.” It pretty much fails to deliver on all counts.

(Awesome. I’m so excited to watch this in a presumably empty theater. Sure to be pure and utter trash considering Blacklight and Memory from last year.)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Sxyzdo-RBKc/

(Looks like garbage. But at least they don’t make Liam Neeson run in this one (presumably). I’m sure it is very tense and not awful at all though, but I guess I’ll just have to see.)

Directors – Nimród Antal – ( Known For: Predators; Vacancy; Metallica Through the Never; Control; Armored; The Whiskey Bandit; BMT: Retribution; Notes: Very much a sci-fi guy I feel like, so this seems … like an odd choice. But I assume it is a pure money / work thing prior to a sci-fi film he’s currently working on.)

Writers – Alberto Marini – ( Known For: The Communion Girl; Fatum; Sleep Tight; Retribution; Extinction; Hard Hit; Your Son; Romasanta; El Lobo; Second Name; BMT: Retribution; Notes: Italian and it looks like he wrote the original film.)

Christopher Salmanpour – (BMT: Retribution; Notes: Basically no credits because it looks like he worked on the FBI series, so he’s not in TMDb yet.)

Actors – Liam Neeson – ( Known For: The Dark Knight Rises; Schindler’s List; Batman Begins; Star Wars: Episode I – The Phantom Menace; Taken; Star Wars: The Rise Of Skywalker; The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe; The Ballad of Buster Scruggs; Love Actually; Non-Stop; Gangs of New York; Excalibur; The Lego Movie; The A-Team; Ted 2; Silence; The Chronicles of Narnia: The Voyage of the Dawn Treader; The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian; Breakfast on Pluto; Widows; Future BMT: Kingdom of Heaven; The Huntsman: Winter’s War; Marlowe; Men in Black: International; A Million Ways to Die in the West; Entourage; Taken 2; Krull; Taken 3; The Marksman; Daddy’s Home 2; Before and After; High Spirits; The Nut Job; BMT: Retribution; Battleship; Memory; Clash of the Titans; Blacklight; The Haunting; Wrath of the Titans; Notes: Y’all know Liam. The seventh film, but amazingly we’ve watched five of those in the last year. Plenty to go including the one that started them all (for the back half of his career), the Taken sequels. Krull is fun though.)

Noma Dumezweni – ( Known For: The Little Mermaid; Mary Poppins Returns; The Kid Who Would Be King; The Boy Who Harnessed the Wind; Dirty Pretty Things; BMT: Retribution; Notes: I was going to say, I just saw her in Only Murders in the Building season 3. She was actually quite good in a very small (so far) part, so that’s fun.)

Lilly Aspell – ( Known For: Wonder Woman; Wonder Woman 1984; Extinction; BMT: Retribution; Holmes & Watson; Notes: Oh wow, she was Diana age 8 in the film. For a kid actor quite a good performance if I’m remembering right. I like the cast of this film.)

Budget/Gross – $20 million / Domestic: $4,567,118 (Worldwide: $6,754,216)

(Yeah, it’ll maybe hit $20 million, although probably a bit of a stretch. But given the bona fides as a genuine dad film I’m sure it’ll make a mint on streaming.)

Rotten Tomatoes – 26% (18/69): Retribution may prove mildly diverting for hardcore fans of films depicting Liam Neeson as a parent in peril, but in most respects, this thriller is strictly standard stuff.

(Yeah, that sounds right. I mean, the trailer looks like trash pure and simple.)

NY Times Review: When will this genre escape its own tropes of sepia-tinted skies, italicized poster fonts and titles seemingly chosen by plopping a finger onto a page of the Old Testament?

Poster – Just Don’t Make Me Run

(“This time he’s sitting” would be the tagline I put on this poster. After mercilessly making fun of the movie magic required to make it look like Neeson is running in his last couple BMT films, he really got us good by being like “oh yeah, this time I only sit.” I’m glad this is reflected in the poster. It’s actually better than I thought it would be. A little plain on the color and font side of things, but more interesting than I expected. C+.)

Tagline(s) – None

(F. You gotta have a tagline. If only to differentiate it from the 4 or 5 other Liam Neeson revenge films coming out this year.)

Keyword(s) – Year 2023

Top 10: Oppenheimer (2023), Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 3 (2023), John Wick: Chapter 4 (2023), Barbie (2023), Spider-Man: Across the Spider-Verse (2023), Ant-Man and the Wasp: Quantumania (2023), The Super Mario Bros. Movie (2023), Dungeons & Dragons: Honor Among Thieves (2023), The Flash (2023), Pathaan (2023)

Future BMT: 81.3 Winnie the Pooh: Blood and Honey (2023), 42.9 Insidious: The Red Door (2023), 42.4 Hypnotic (2023), 42.1 House Party (2023), 36.3 Fool’s Paradise (2023), 34.0 Mafia Mamma (2023), 28.7 About My Father (2023), 28.5 The Machine (2023), 28.1 Love Again (2023), 23.0 Fear (2023), 20.3 Haunted Mansion (2023), 7.9 Sweetwater (2023), 0.6 The Hill (2023)

BMT: 65 (2023), Meg 2: The Trench (2023), Retribution (2023)

Best Options (Liam Neeson): 11.4 Retribution (2023)

(Bah, so Marlowe is actually a 2023 film, but it is listed as 2022 for IMDb so it doesn’t show up. But I thought it would be funny to be like I’m going to go with the year 2023 and it must be a Neeson film … we have two options! Anyways, the future BMT options look rough. Not looking forward to any of those.)

Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 16) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Liam Neeson is No. 1 billed in Retribution and No. 1 billed in Memory, which also stars Guy Pearce (No. 2 billed) who is in Justice (No. 3 billed) which also stars Nicolas Cage (No. 1 billed) who is in The Wicker Man (No. 1 billed) which also stars Leelee Sobieski (No. 6 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 1 billed) => (1 + 1) + (2 + 3) + (1 + 1) + (6 + 1) = 16. If we were to watch Marlowe we can get the HoE Number down to 12.

Notes – The third remake of Spain’s Retribution (2015) after Germany’s Don’t. Get. Out! (2018) and South Korea’s Hard Hit (2021) but the first to use the original’s English title.

Liam Neeson and Embeth Davidtz had worked thirty years before in Schindler’s List, which came out in 1993.

Clifford Preview

Jamie and Patrick are dropped back at the Apologies Tour brought to you by Tim Horton’s. Metaphorical Kyle says some final words but Jamie and Patrick aren’t listening. It’s time to pound some dweebs, not time to listen to some ghost. They look around at the concert and are shocked to see most of the audience are either asleep in their seats or teetering on the edge of exhaustion. “How long have we been gone?” they mumble and Metaphorical Kyle indicates that it’s been about two days since they left. They look back at the stage and marvel at Pitbull still going strong. “No wonder they call him Mr. Worldwide,” Jamie says and they all laugh and laugh. Once they finish laughing they get back to the task at hand. As they head backstage they are startled to find that the Dudikoff’s are already there, arms full of merchandise and cash from the boffo box office. Matt McGoo must have warned them in the time they were gone. Fucking Matt McGoo. The Dudikoff’s drop their ill-gotten gains and stick their hands in the air. “You got us, Bad Movie Twins. Do your worst,” Drake says with a quavering voice. “You wanted to be our fathers,” Jamie and Parick say, “But you’ll never be.” With that they lunge towards the Dudikoff’s and embrace them in a hug. “But you’ve helped us realize that we need to get past the Bakulas and Dudikoffs of the world. So, thank you.”

A week later they stand nervously at the door of a fancy ski chalet. They ring the bell and shuffle their feet as they hear the noise echo out through the cavernous interior. The door opens and there stands a butler. “Clifford,” Jamie and Patrick acknowledge. “Sirs,” Clifford says and shows them in. That’s right! We are going back to another classic in Clifford starring Martin Short as a 10-year-old menace. It was a film I had a real fondness for as a kid, but only later realized that people kind of hated it. We pair that with Ski School, a true blue T&A comedy (and not the Summer Job kind of dreck), so I’m pretty excited about it. Let’s go!

Clifford (1994) – BMeTric: 37.2; Notability: 50

StreetCreditReport.com – BMeTric: top 16.0%; Notability: top 8.0%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 14.5%; Higher BMeT: Street Fighter, Police Academy: Mission to Moscow, Junior, The Next Karate Kid, Double Dragon, It’s Pat: The Movie, On Deadly Ground, The Flintstones, North, The Fantastic Four, Leprechaun 2, 3 Ninjas Kick Back, Exit to Eden, In the Army Now, Color of Night, Richie Rich, Car 54, Where Are You?, Getting Even with Dad, Beverly Hills Cop III, Blank Check, and 20 more; Higher Notability: The Flintstones, Wyatt Earp, The Shadow, Beverly Hills Cop III, Love Affair, Ready to Wear, North, I Love Trouble, Radioland Murders, The Pagemaster, Little Giants, Exit to Eden, Street Fighter, Drop Zone, D2: The Mighty Ducks, On Deadly Ground, Speechless, Junior, The Scout, The Puppet Masters; Lower RT: Death Wish: The Face of Death, Wagons East, Police Academy: Mission to Moscow, It’s Pat: The Movie, House Party 3, The Silence of the Hams, Holy Matrimony, Erotique, Car 54, Where Are You?, Getting Even with Dad, A Low Down Dirty Shame, Major League II, Exit to Eden, Lightning Jack, Leprechaun 2, In the Army Now, The Next Karate Kid, Trial by Jury, Blank Check, Intersection, and 14 more; Notes: I’m going to use this space to point out the NYT Review for Police Academy: Mission to Moscow (played 52 times, “Help yourself”) and Silence of the Hams (played 11 times, “Help yourself”). That’s right, both have the key phrase “Help yourself.” Stay tuned. There might be a cycle here. A 50 notability for Clifford is amazing, but also makes sense, it seemed to be a major comedy of 1990 … and yeah, it was shelved for a while.

RogerEbert.com – 0.5 stars – To return to the underlying causes for the movie’s failure: What we have here is a suitable case for deep cinematic analysis. I’d love to hear a symposium of veteran producers, marketing guys and exhibitors discuss this film. It’s not bad in any usual way. It’s bad in a new way all its own. There is something extraterrestrial about it, as if it’s based on the sense of humor of an alien race with a completely different relationship to the physical universe. The movie is so odd, it’s almost worth seeing just because we’ll never see anything like it again. I hope.

(I think that is a thumbs down. This review is pretty funny, arguably funnier than the movie. He’s 100% right, the film is mostly aggravating, not traditionally funny, which makes me wonder if it was merely 15 years early.)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hNF-yVRGnsI/

(It is a little stunning how much of a no-laugh trash comedy this apparently is all things considered. Like, the bit where Grodin is like “look at me like a human boy” is genuinely funny. I always want to think something like this was ahead of its time, but I think me as a 10 year old watching it on Comedy Central just probably accepted “an adult man playing a child in a movie” was 100% all that was needed to create a successful comedy film. Objectively funny concept = definitely funny film, right? In reality I’m sure it runs like a 90 minute SNL skit (which it basically is. Although SCTV instead of SNL).)

Directors – Paul Flaherty – ( Future BMT: Who’s Harry Crumb?; 18 Again!; BMT: Clifford; Notes: Nominated for 14 Emmys, won three times (for SCTV twice, and Muppets Tonight). Obviously worked closely with Short including on Primetime Glick.)

Writers – William Porter – ( Known For: Avenging Angelo; Krystal; The Space Between; Black Cadillac; Stealing Cars; Notes: TMDb only knows him as Will Aldis, but he seemed to have written under a number of pen names over the years. He is credited on Back to School and Stealing Home on IMDb for example. I think Porter is his real name.)

Steven Kampmann – ( Known For: Back to School; Future BMT: Stealing Home; The Couch Trip; Notes: Nominated for an Emmy for WKRP in Cincinnati. Was credited for this as Bobby von Hayes. Worked on SCTV and closely with Rodney Dangerfield.)

Actors – Martin Short – ( Known For: Mars Attacks!; Three Amigos!; Father of the Bride; Innerspace; Treasure Planet; The Prince of Egypt; Inherent Vice; Madagascar 3: Europe’s Most Wanted; The Addams Family; The Spiderwick Chronicles; Frankenweenie; Get Over It; Father of the Bride Part II; Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius; The Willoughbys; Mack & Rita; The Big Picture; Mumford; Jiminy Glick in Lalawood; Cross My Heart; Future BMT: Captain Ron; We’re Back! A Dinosaur’s Story; Hoodwinked Too! Hood vs. Evil; The Santa Clause 3: The Escape Clause; A Simple Wish; Three Fugitives; Pure Luck; The Pebble and the Penguin; BMT: Jungle 2 Jungle; Clifford; Legends of Oz: Dorothy’s Return; Notes: He’s had several levels to his career. SCTV, then as a pretty big movie star, then things like Jiminy Glick, and now Only Murders in the Building. He also went on tour with Steve Martin. He’s been nominated for 16 Emmys, and won for writing SCTV and for a special tribute to Mel Brooks.)

Charles Grodin – ( Known For: Rosemary’s Baby; King Kong; Midnight Run; So I Married an Axe Murderer; Heaven Can Wait; 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea; Catch-22; While We’re Young; Heart and Souls; Dave; The Heartbreak Kid; The Great Muppet Caper; Seems Like Old Times; The Humbling; An Imperfect Murder; Sunburn; Last Resort; The Lonely Guy; It Runs in the Family; It’s My Turn; Future BMT: Beethoven; The Woman in Red; Beethoven’s 2nd; The Comedian; Taking Care of Business; The Ex; The Incredible Shrinking Woman; The Couch Trip; BMT: Clifford; Ishtar; Notes: One of those comedy legends who became famous for a younger generation as the guy in Beethoven. Won an Emmy for The Paul Simon Special in 1978. Died in 2021 of cancer.)

Mary Steenburgen – ( Known For: The Help; What’s Eating Gilbert Grape; Book Club: The Next Chapter; Nightmare Alley; Step Brothers; The Proposal; Philadelphia; Book Club; Parenthood; Back to the Future Part III; Elf; Powder; A Walk in the Woods; Inland Empire; The One I Love; Happiest Season; Last Vegas; Life as a House; The Discovery; Nixon; Future BMT: I Am Sam; Four Christmases; The Butcher’s Wife; Nobel Son; Romantic Comedy; BMT: Did You Hear About the Morgans?; Clifford; Notes: Won an OScar for Melvin and Howard, also nominated for an Emmy for The Attic. Is famously married to Ted Danson, as seen on Curb Your Enthusiasm where she is, in fact, happily divorced from Ted Danson (last I checked).)

Budget/Gross – N/A / Domestic: $7,408,745 (Worldwide: $7,408,745)

(That is quite low. For the 90s I would imagine you’d be looking for like 30 or 40 for a successful comedy. And given the stellar cast that has to be a loss.)

Rotten Tomatoes – 13% (4/31): Ill-conceived and desperately unfunny, Clifford stars Martin Short as a 10-year-old boy. You read that correctly. That’s the joke.

(I mean … pretty funny joke. For an SCTV sketch. Which is probably how it all started anyways.)

NYT Short Review: Man as boy in devil’s clothing. Less lethal version of the bad seed. More stunt than movie, and stolen by Grodin.

Poster – Clifford and his Big Bad Dad

(Oh. My. God. A+++++++++++++. This is as close to BMT perfection as we’ve gotten since The Avengers 1998. Everything about this is grotesque.)

Tagline(s) – A comedy with a lot of laughs. And a ten-year-old terror. (F)

Uncle Martin is suffering from a little problem… (D)

(These are both horrible. The second is at least playing a little with the word “little”… but that’s about it.)

Keyword(s) – canada

Top 10: Suicide Squad (2016), The Matrix Revolutions (2003), X-Men Origins: Wolverine (2009), Venom (2018), The Butterfly Effect (2004), Armageddon (1998), In Time (2011), Transformers: Dark of the Moon (2011), Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen (2009), 2012 (2009)

Future BMT: 90.3 Vampires Suck (2010), 89.9 House of the Dead (2003), 88.7 Dumb and Dumberer: When Harry Met Lloyd (2003), 79.6 Shark Night (2011), 78.9 Daddy Day Camp (2007), 77.3 Superhero Movie (2008), 74.9 Look Who’s Talking Too (1990), 74.0 The Spirit (2008), 74.0 The Next Karate Kid (1994), 73.2 The Turning (2020), 72.5 Mr. Magoo (1997), 71.8 Dance Flick (2009), 71.7 Zoom (2006), 69.4 College Road Trip (2008), 69.0 Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen (2004), 68.9 Cats & Dogs: The Revenge of Kitty Galore (2010), 68.8 The Santa Clause 3: The Escape Clause (2006), 68.6 Captivity (2007), 68.3 Yogi Bear (2010), 67.3 The Crow: City of Angels (1996)

BMT: Battlefield Earth (2000), Catwoman (2004), Dragonball Evolution (2009), Jack and Jill (2011), Batman & Robin (1997), The Emoji Movie (2017), The Wicker Man (2006), The Cat in the Hat (2003), Superman IV: The Quest for Peace (1987), The Love Guru (2008), Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2 (2004), Crossroads (2002), Halloween: Resurrection (2002), Movie 43 (2013), Barb Wire (1996), RoboCop 3 (1993), The Legend of Hercules (2014), Highlander II: The Quickening (1991), Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li (2009), Jason X (2001), Aliens vs. Predator: Requiem (2007), Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever (2002), Little Man (2006), Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2 (2015), The Twilight Saga: New Moon (2009), Freddy Got Fingered (2001), After Earth (2013), The Bye Bye Man (2017), Caddyshack II (1988), Big Mommas: Like Father, Like Son (2011), Jonah Hex (2010), Species II (1998), Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo (2005), The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1 (2011), Highlander: The Final Dimension (1994), The Animal (2001), Halloween II (2009),… (and many more)

Best Options (daddio): 78.9 Daddy Day Camp (2007), 49.2 My Girl 2 (1994), 41.5 Speed Zone (1989), 37.9 Dracula: Dead and Loving It (1995), 37.1 Clifford (1994), 36.9 Desperate Hours (1990), 34.1 Father Hood (1993), 30.3 Who’s Harry Crumb? (1989), 20.7 Mad City (1997), 20.1 Art School Confidential (2006), 19.1 Folks! (1992), 17.8 Brewster’s Millions (1985)

(As you can see we had a few options, but the fact that I’ve seen 20% of Clifford on television 100 times means that I really needed to actually watch it straight through once. By which I mean in four pieces on Tubi while waiting for programs to run.)

Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 13) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Martin Short is No. 1 billed in Clifford and No. 2 billed in Jungle 2 Jungle, which also stars Leelee Sobieski (No. 9 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 1 billed) => (1 + 2) + (9 + 1) = 13. There is no shorter path at the moment.

Notes – Martin Short’s co-stars are usually standing on boxes and next to slightly oversize props.

The writers of the film, Steven Kampmann and William Porter, were so embarrassed by the final cut that they used pseudonyms as onscreen credit, as well as the film’s marketing and publicity.

Martin Short, who plays 10 year-old Clifford, was 37 years old during initial filming in 1990 and age 40 during the priest bookend sequences filmed in 1993.

Although planned for a 1991 release, this was one of several films released by Orion Pictures in 1994, just before their bankruptcy.

The movie was re-edited and re-shot before its 1994 theatrical release, including bookend scenes with Martin Short as an elderly Clifford, now a reformed priest, who tries to prevent a boarding school student, played by Ben Savage, from running away and telling a story to him about his mischievous childhood. These scenes were shot around 1993, three years after the original shoot was completed.

Once Bitten Preview

Jamie and Patrick are 12-years-old on a field trip to the Aquarium of Dangerous Animals. “Someday I’m going to be a pretty good diver, but then transition my skillz into being the top action star of my day,” Jamie explains as they look into a tank containing the Bolivian Rhino Piranha. Patrick thinks this is pretty ambitious (top ten seems more like it) but lets Jamie have his little dream. He daren’t speak of his own secret dream: the one where he dons his cable knit sweater and writes genre-busting novels. Jamie would probably laugh. “Drink break,” the teacher calls and hands out bottled water to Jamie, Patrick and the rest of their classmates. “Drink up, because it’s time for the big show,” the teacher says excitedly. A murmur arises from the kids. It’s time for the Velocishark, a recently rediscovered shark that was previously thought to be the bold artistic vision of caveman imaginations. But those cave paintings were now known to be all too real. As they approach the Velocishark’s tank the kids crowd the edge and one child drops his water bottle into the water below. He leans precariously over the edge. “Yo, you know you can just drink water out of the tap,” Patrick says scornfully. Just then the kid momentarily loses balance and with flailing arms knocks the water bottles from Jamie and Patrick’s hands for a double splash directly on their crotches. No doubt about it, it looks like they peed their pants and everyone knows it.

Jamie and Patrick shake their heads. Horrible. They then let Metaphorical Kyle know they are ready to go. “Once bitten, twice shy, no more Mr. Nice Guy,” Jamie and Patrick say, coining in that moment what scientists contend is the perfect catchphrase. Time to pound some dweebs. That’s right! We are watching the early Jim Carrey vehicle Once Bitten. The movie played a number of times on Comedy Central back in the day, but I don’t recall ever sitting all the way through it. Mostly because I didn’t think it was funny. Or maybe I was super sc-sc-sc-scared. We are pairing that with the little known T&A comedy Summer Job, which aired on TV the same day as the primetime premier of Once Bitten (January 30, 1991). Despite how small the film is, it somehow ended up airing 39 times on TV in the 90’s (credit to Patrick who does all the legwork on our recent TV listing obsession). Let’s go!

Once Bitten (1985) – BMeTric: 41.3; Notability: 36

StreetCreditReport.com – BMeTric: top 4.8%; Notability: top 9.6%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 3.6%; Higher BMeT: Friday the 13th: A New Beginning, Howling II: … Your Sister Is a Werewolf, Red Sonja, Porky’s Revenge, King Solomon’s Mines, Transylvania 6-5000, Gymkata, Perfect, Creature, American Ninja, Private Resort, Police Academy 2: Their First Assignment; Higher Notability: A View to a Kill, Spies Like Us, King David, National Lampoon’s European Vacation, Police Academy 2: Their First Assignment, Perfect, Head Office, Brewster’s Millions, My Science Project, Santa Claus: The Movie, Turk 182, Invasion U.S.A., Rocky IV, The Slugger’s Wife, Death Wish 3, Warning Sign, Heaven Help Us, Maxie, Girls Just Want to Have Fun, Creator, and 4 more; Lower RT: American Ninja, That Was Then… This Is Now, The Slugger’s Wife, Rainbow Brite and the Star Stealer, Head Office, Maxie, King Solomon’s Mines, King David; Notes: This was on an amazing 45 times, including its prime time network premiere on January 30, 1991 (the same day at Summer Job, our friend). Full page ad in the New York Times on page C7 on November 15, 1985 (quarter for week 2 and 3, then a small 16th in week 4, then done). Nothing super funny on it, besides maybe it suggesting you buy the soundtrack. The song “Once Bitten” was written by 3-Speed which unfortunately doesn’t have a wiki page. “3 Speed enjoyed considerable success after the release of the Once Bitten soundtrack; at one point they were even opening for Pat Benatar.” They were from Boston and never wrote an album, instead recording songs for the Rad and Savage Streets soundtracks.

Leonard Maltin – BOMB – Inept comedy about Vampires (Hutton) who intrudes on amorous pursuits of some teenagers because she needs the blood of a virgin to maintain her youthful glow. Pretty anemic; Carrey is very restrained.

(Fits with what I heard which is Carrey is bizarrely not … Carrey in this. And love the play on words with “anemic” and, of course, the semicolon. I’ve missed Leonard’s cheeky semicolons since I’ve switched to Ebert for the most part.)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qmgspdr_fwY/

(Wait … that was the actual trailer? Seems like it. So, I guess that is what happens when you don’t have any money to make actual television / preview spots? Is that what Canadian trailers used to be? More seriously I wonder if that was a radio spot and the graphics were added more recently.)

Directors – Howard Storm – ( BMT: Once Bitten; Notes: Was part of a comedy duo called Gale and Storm with his roommate Lou Alexander.)

Writers – Dimitri Villard – ( BMT: Once Bitten; In Love and War; Notes: Actually quite an accomplished producer in the 80s, founder of New Star Entertainment.)

David Hines and Jeffrey Hause – ( BMT: Once Bitten; Notes: Wrote an episode of the cartoon Tales from the Cryptkeeper which I had never heard of.)

Jonathan Roberts – ( Known For: The Lion King; The Lion King; The Hunchback of Notre Dame; James and the Giant Peach; The Sure Thing; Khumba; Future BMT: Jack Frost; BMT: Once Bitten; Notes: Obviously most famous for writing five episodes of 90210. The Sure Thing stars Daphne Zuniga which I just watched in Vision Quest weirdly, and we just saw in The Fly II. Maybe I should try and complete her filmography.)

Actors – Lauren Hutton – ( Known For: American Gigolo; The Joneses; Gator; Little Fauss and Big Halsy; The Gambler; Zorro: The Gay Blade; A Wedding; Lassiter; Welcome to L.A.; The Chant of Jimmie Blacksmith; Paternity; Viva Knievel!; Paper Lion; Forbidden Sun; Just a Little Harmless Sex; Pieces of Dreams; Millions; Tout feu tout flamme; Loser Love; Missing Pieces; Future BMT: 54; I Feel Pretty; My Father the Hero; Malone; BMT: Once Bitten; Perfect; Notes: Had a talk show in 1995, and was a Playboy Bunny way back. Last worked in 2018.)

Jim Carrey – ( Known For: The Truman Show; Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind; Liar Liar; Ace Ventura: Pet Detective; The Mask; Sonic the Hedgehog 2; Dumb and Dumber; Sonic the Hedgehog; Bruce Almighty; Dark Crimes; Yes Man; Me, Myself & Irene; The Bad Batch; A Series of Unfortunate Events; How the Grinch Stole Christmas; The Cable Guy; Anchorman 2: The Legend Continues; Earth Girls Are Easy; Horton Hears a Who!; Man on the Moon; Future BMT: Kick-Ass 2; Dumb and Dumber To; Fun with Dick and Jane; The Incredible Burt Wonderstone; Pink Cadillac; BMT: Batman Forever; Once Bitten; Ace Ventura: When Nature Calls; The Number 23; Notes: Y’all know Carrey, we just saw him in the Ace Ventura films. Honestly we’ve done all his good BMTs, but someday we’ll finish him off I suppose. Check out his career, really never a lull, it is incredibly impressive.)

Karen Kopins – ( Known For: Fast Forward; Future BMT: Troop Beverly Hills; Creator; Jake Speed; BMT: Once Bitten; Notes: Jake Speed is crazy. Never on television in the 90s, but did get play in the late 80s. About 800 theaters, 1000 votes on IMDb, and just got a fifth review a few years ago. Would be quite the borderline BMT if we ever do it. Miss Connecticut 1977, still lives there with her high school sweetheart and four kids. Was going to be a Charlie’s Angel but the 1988 pilot wasn’t picked up. Stopped acting in 1994.)

Budget/Gross – $3.2 million / Domestic: $10,000,000 (Worldwide: $10,000,000)

(Surprisingly okay, but like … do I believe it? I want to see the data. This? $10 million? How?)

Rotten Tomatoes – 10% (1/10)

(There isn’t really a consensus because no one had a snippet outside of the one good review and then one bad review. I did enjoy the bad review which called the movie icky and disturbing essentially. Having watched the film I can’t say that isn’t accurate.)

NYT Short Review: Vampire countess seeks male virgin. Too many Bloody Mary jokes.

Poster – Once Smitten Kitten

(I like the little bat, but that’s about it. There’s not really a cohesion to it. Like why is the vampire see through? I don’t get it. I do find it amusing that the title has a tiny “Samuel Goldwyn Jr.’s” at the top. You know I wasn’t gonna catch this flick but once I found out Sammy G Jr. did this one I was all in. Odd. He’s the Executive Producer. C-)

Tagline(s) – Mark Kendall just found out that his one-night stand has been around for centuries. (C-)

A tasty comedy. (D+)

(I was going to give the first one an F, but then I think I saw what they were going for. One-night vs. centuries. At least a little interesting, if extremely long. So I upgraded it. The short one under the title is nonsense. Tasty because a vampire bites people? I mean sure. But regular people also find things tasty. That’s not a vampire exclusive.)

Keyword(s) – canada

Top 10: The Matrix Revolutions (2003), X-Men Origins: Wolverine (2009), Venom (2018), The Butterfly Effect (2004), Armageddon (1998), In Time (2011), Transformers: Dark of the Moon (2011), Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen (2009), 2012 (2009), Home Alone 2: Lost in New York (1992)

Future BMT: 90.3 Vampires Suck (2010), 89.9 House of the Dead (2003), 88.7 Dumb and Dumberer: When Harry Met Lloyd (2003), 84.1 Prom Night (2008), 79.6 Shark Night (2011), 78.9 Daddy Day Camp (2007), 77.3 Superhero Movie (2008), 74.9 Look Who’s Talking Too (1990), 74.0 The Spirit (2008), 74.0 The Next Karate Kid (1994), 73.2 The Turning (2020), 72.5 Mr. Magoo (1997), 71.8 Dance Flick (2009), 69.4 College Road Trip (2008), 69.0 Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen (2004), 68.9 Cats & Dogs: The Revenge of Kitty Galore (2010), 68.8 The Santa Clause 3: The Escape Clause (2006), 68.6 Captivity (2007), 68.3 Yogi Bear (2010), 67.3 The Crow: City of Angels (1996)

BMT: Battlefield Earth (2000), Catwoman (2004), Dragonball Evolution (2009), Jack and Jill (2011), Batman & Robin (1997), The Emoji Movie (2017), Alone in the Dark (2005), The Wicker Man (2006), Fifty Shades of Grey (2015), The Cat in the Hat (2003), Superman IV: The Quest for Peace (1987), The Love Guru (2008), Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2 (2004), Crossroads (2002), Halloween: Resurrection (2002), Movie 43 (2013), Barb Wire (1996), RoboCop 3 (1993), The Legend of Hercules (2014), Highlander II: The Quickening (1991), Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li (2009), Jason X (2001), Aliens vs. Predator: Requiem (2007), Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever (2002), Little Man (2006), Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2 (2015), The Twilight Saga: New Moon (2009), Freddy Got Fingered (2001), After Earth (2013), The Bye Bye Man (2017), Caddyshack II (1988), Big Mommas: Like Father, Like Son (2011), Kangaroo Jack (2003), Driven (2001), Jonah Hex (2010), Species II (1998), … (and many more)

Best Options (Vampire): 90.3 Vampires Suck (2010), 41.5 Buffy the Vampire Slayer (1992), 41.2 Once Bitten (1985), 40.9 Blade: Trinity (2004), 40.6 The Forsaken (2001), 40.6 The Mortal Instruments: City of Bones (2013), 37.9 Dracula: Dead and Loving It (1995), 27.7 Dracula Untold (2014), 24.6 Underworld: Awakening (2012), 20.0 Innocent Blood (1992)

(I’m a bit stunned at just how many vampire films there are. I suppose the question is: will we ever watch them all? I can’t see why we wouldn’t. That would be wild.)

Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 14) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Jim Carrey is No. 1 billed in Once Bitten and No. 1 billed in The Number 23, which also stars Virginia Madsen (No. 2 billed) who is in Firewall (No. 3 billed) which also stars Harrison Ford (No. 1 billed) who is in Hollywood Homicide (No. 1 billed) which also stars Josh Hartnett (No. 2 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 3 billed) => (1 + 1) + (2 + 3) + (1 + 1) + (2 + 3) = 14. There is no shorter path at the moment.

Notes – The role of the Countess was written for Cassandra Peterson, better known as TV horror-hostess Elvira.

By the time the film was released, writer Jeffrey Hause had blown through his initial earnings and had to take a job as a video store clerk. One day an oblivious customer remarked of the film, “Whoever wrote this shouldn’t be working in Hollywood,” and an incensed Hause retorted, “YOU GOT YOUR WISH!”

During the chase scene when Robin punches a vampire, she actually hit him in one take and knocked his fake teeth out.

Screenwriter Jeffrey Hause campaigned for Michael J. Fox to star in the film, but executive producer Samuel Goldwyn Jr. was convinced that Fox would never be able to carry a big-screen movie.

The tune Mark’s ice cream truck plays is a variation on the “Peter” theme of Sergei Prokofiev’s “Peter and the Wolf.”

Meg 2: The Trench Preview

“This can’t get any worse,” Jamie mumbles, tears dripping down his face. Bottled water! Outrageous. He and Patrick had always promised that they would burn the company to the ground before betraying the mission of BMT. That mission includes ice cold Coca-Cola. It includes the X-treme flavor blast of Mountain Dew. It includes the Rocky Mountain taste of a cold Coors Light. But it sure as hell doesn’t include bottled water. “You can drink it straight out of the tap,” Patrick says, shaking his head. “You know what Kyle would have said to all of this,” Jamie says with a chuckle, and Patrick nods his head with a smirk. “Water schmater, water is for the birds.” Classic Kyle catchphrase. They turn to the Metaphorical Kyle with determination. “You’ve convinced us,” they say, “what do we do?” Kyle is a bit bemused. “You sure you don’t want to see what they do next? I mean, it’s way worse than bottled water. This is just a front for a much more dastardly plan.” They consider for a moment and then nod their heads. The Metaphorical Kyle whispers it in their ears and their eyes widen. “Boy that is way worse,” Patrick says, looking a little sick. “I actually wish you hadn’t told us that,” Jamie agrees, “In fact, let’s not talk about that part. We’ll just make sure they don’t get the company and start selling bottled water.” The Metaphorical Kyle shrugs his shoulders and gets ready to fly them back to the Apologies Tour brought to you by Tim Horton’s. As they are about to leave Jamie and Patrick recall the root of their hatred of bottled water. It’s a story not about water being for the birds, but rather… for the sharks. Bum bum bum. That’s right! We are finally getting the opportunity for a second BMT Live! Of the year with the sequel we’ve all been anticipating. Meg 2: The Trench! The first one didn’t qualify, but I thought it was horrible. Patrick liked it a little better. Let’s see if we agree on this one. Let’s go!

Meg 2: The Trench (2023) – BMeTric: 28.4; Notability: 24

StreetCreditReport.com – BMeTric: top 6.8%; Notability: top 2.8%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 15.4%; Higher BMeT: Knights of the Zodiac, 65, The Black Demon, The Ritual Killer, The Out-Laws, White Men Can’t Jump, Hypnotic, House Party, Your Place or Mine, Maybe I Do, Ghosted, Insidious: The Red Door, The Tutor, Mafia Mamma, The Old Way, Paint, Johnny & Clyde; Higher Notability: Ghosted, House Party, Spinning Gold, Haunted Mansion, The Out-Laws, 65, Your Place or Mine; Lower RT: Dead Man’s Hand, Johnny & Clyde, The Ritual Killer, Assassin Club, On a Wing and a Prayer, The Tutor, The Out-Laws, Robots, Fear, Mafia Mamma, Knights of the Zodiac, Sweetwater, One True Loves, God Is a Bullet, Love Again, Ambush, White Men Can’t Jump, Ghosted, The Machine, House Party; Notes: Solid early BMeT, but the Notability is quite surprising. I don’t know why this wouldn’t involve more big name production. It has a big name director and ensemble cast. Who knows. House Party is probably one of the weirder ones that came out this year that we have a chance of seeing.

RogerEbert.com – 1.0 stars – Anyone hoping that Ben Wheatley might bring some of the exuberant personality and boundary-pushing creativity on display in films like “Kill List” and “In the Earth” to his for-hire gig directing the dismally boring “Meg 2: The Trench” should find different cinematic waters to swim in. Much as in his atrocious remake of “Rebecca” in 2020, Wheatley mostly phones it in here, and he does so with a rotary landline. At least until the final half-hour, when he’s finally free to unleash some monstrous chaos, this is one of the dullest films of the year, a plodding, poorly made giant shark movie that inexplicably lets the giant shark take a backseat to an evil underwater drilling operation. This thing just has no teeth.

(Yup, this is basically what I’ve heard on the street (aka online). That the film takes ages to get to the good stuff and for no discernible reason at all. But once it does it is pretty fun.)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dG91B3hHyY4/

(Yeah … so this was the prime example of where this trailer dropped and I was like “this looks horrible, if this isn’t qualifying there is no God.” I’m glad I still have it a bit. There seemed like there was an okay reception for it online, but when I saw it I just couldn’t help but think it looked terrible.)

Directors – Ben Wheatley – ( Known For: Free Fire; In the Earth; Rebecca; Kill List; High-Rise; Sightseers; The ABCs of Death; A Field in England; Happy New Year, Colin Burstead; Down Terrace; BMT: Meg 2: The Trench; Notes: British. He wife co-wrote High-Rise which he directed. Started by making viral videos, his films are considered somewhat “visionary” for horror fans. Except Rebecca which people seem to have not liked at all.)

Writers – Jon Hoeber and Erich Hoeber – ( Known For: Transformers: Rise of the Beasts; The Meg; RED; RED 2; My Spy; Montana; BMT: Meg 2: The Trench; Battleship; Whiteout; Notes: Boo, we were pretty close to a twofer with Transformers: Rise of the Beasts for BMT Live. Kind of wild that we’ve kind of accidentally completed their BMT filmography.)

Dean Georgaris – ( Known For: The Meg; The Manchurian Candidate; Future BMT: Tristan + Isolde; BMT: Meg 2: The Trench; Paycheck; Lara Croft: Tomb Raider – The Cradle of Life; Notes: Been making crap action for a while now. Does a bit of television as well, including two episodes of the new Quantum Leap.)

Steve Alten – ( Known For: The Meg; BMT: Meg 2: The Trench; Notes: Wrote the books. Was at one point the assistant basketball coach for the University of Delaware. Has a degree in Physical Education.)

Actors – Jason Statham – ( Known For: The Meg; Fast X; Operation Fortune: Ruse de Guerre; Snatch; Wrath of Man; F9: The Fast Saga; Collateral; Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels; Homefront; Furious 7; Spy; The Italian Job; Fast & Furious Presents: Hobbs & Shaw; The Expendables; The Fate of the Furious; Furious 6; Safe; The Transporter; Transporter 2; Parker; Future BMT: The Pink Panther; War; The One; Turn It Up; BMT: Meg 2: The Trench; Crank; The Expendables 3; Mechanic: Resurrection; Crank: High Voltage; Killer Elite; In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale; Ghosts of Mars; Notes: Ah Statham. Should I do it? Why not: was an Olympic caliber high diver competing for England in the Commonwealth Games.)

Jing Wu – ( Known For: Ride On; The Wandering Earth II; The Wandering Earth; Wolf Warrior; Kill Zone; The Battle at Lake Changjin; Shaolin; Wolf Warrior 2; The Climbers; Kill Zone 2; Water Gate Bridge; Badges of Fury; Legendary Assassin; My Country, My Parents; The Sacrifice; My People, My Country; Invisible Target; Call of Heroes; Home Coming; Twins Mission; Future BMT: The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor; BMT: Meg 2: The Trench; Notes: Trained at the Beijing Wushu Academy because his father and grandfather were both martial artists. Was then spotted by a talent scout looking for martial artists for a film.)

Shuya Sophia Cai – ( Known For: The Meg; Somewhere Only We Know; BMT: Meg 2: The Trench; Notes: Oh this is the kid … I would have thought the mother / love interest would have been the second or third lead. Whatever, she lives in New Zealand and is fluent in both Mandarin and English.)

Budget/Gross – $129 million / Domestic: $12,000,000 (Worldwide: $12,000,000)

(Obviously this is just the first weekend. It seems like it is going to basically make its reported budget worldwide in the first weekend, which I think means it’ll just barely be profitable? But I don’t know how much is the somewhat less profitable Chinese market, so unclear. The CinemaScore being quite bad means it could miss it due to word of mouth as well.)

Rotten Tomatoes – 29% (34/117): It isn’t without its fun moments, but Meg 2: The Trench suffers from a disjointed story that drifts for too long before finally delivering a few campy thrills.

(Yes, the thing I’ve seen is basically that the first hour operates like Jaws … but you’ve already seen the giant shark in the first one? So it ends up being quite dull until the last act when it picks up. B- CinemaScore which is terrible, and the verified user ratings are also quite bad.)

NY Times Short Review: This lively sequel to 2018’s somewhat tepid killer-shark blockbuster greatly improves upon its predecessor by getting gorier, funnier and more stylish.

Poster – Meg 2: Resurrection

(I want to hate this poster, but it’s kinda good. God damn it. B.)

Tagline(s) – New Meg. Old Chum. (A+)

(Even the tagline is good. And it’s not even good… it’s great! What the hell.)

Keyword(s) – shark

Top 10: Finding Nemo (2003), Toy Story (1995), Jurassic World (2015), Life of Pi (2012), Jaws (1975), Despicable Me (2010), Mr. & Mrs. Smith (2005), Aquaman (2018), Shrek 2 (2004), Despicable Me 2 (2013)

Future BMT: 86.6 The Adventures of Sharkboy and Lavagirl 3-D (2005), 79.6 Shark Night (2011), 59.7 My Super Ex-Girlfriend (2006), 36.3 Into the Blue (2005), 34.7 Leviathan (1989), 34.2 Suspect Zero (2004), 34.1 Shark Tale (2004), 33.8 Along Came Polly (2004), 33.5 Armed and Dangerous (1986), 25.9 After the Sunset (2004), 23.7 Pirates (1986), 21.5 Colombiana (2011), 19.4 Kick-Ass 2 (2013), 19.3 Ice Age: Continental Drift (2012), 16.9 The Beach (2000)

BMT: Jaws: The Revenge (1987), Jaws 3-D (1983), Movie 43 (2013), Are We Done Yet? (2007), Chairman of the Board (1998), Return to the Blue Lagoon (1991), Strange Wilderness (2008), Lara Croft: Tomb Raider – The Cradle of Life (2003), Serenity (2019), Gamer (2009), Mechanic: Resurrection (2016), Battleship (2012), The Blue Lagoon (1980), Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales (2017), Meg 2: The Trench (2023)

Best Options (Year 2023): 11.5 Meg 2: The Trench (2023)

(Wait, this is the only Shark film this year that qualifies?! No, I knew that. I just wanted the funny sub-genre of 2023 shark films. Looking at BMT obviously the Jawses work, but otherwise I think the rest kind of incidentally have a shark. Shark Night looks like the only other “real” shark film that qualifies.)

Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 6) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Jason Statham is No. 1 billed in Meg 2: The Trench and No. 1 billed in In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale, which also stars Leelee Sobieski (No. 3 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 1 billed) => (1 + 1) + (3 + 1) = 6. There is no shorter path at the moment.

Notes – While speaking to entertainment site DenOfGeek in April 2021, director Ben Wheatley hinted that the film might see Jason Statham facing off against not one but several giant, prehistoric sharks.

The Meg 2 has been in the works since October 2018, essentially right after the original movie released. By early 2019, producer Lorenzo di Bonaventura confirmed that a script was in the works, and the sequel gained momentum in October 2020, when Ben Wheatley was announced as The Meg 2 director. The English filmmaker is best known for helming horror movies such as Kill List (2011), Sightseers (2012) and In The Earth (2021). Wheatley has also explored other genres with High-Rise (2015), Free Fire (2016), and the 2020 Netflix adaptation, Rebecca.

Influenced by the strike of SAG-AFTRA, publicity activities such as the London premiere have been canceled. The world premiere will be held in the Beijing National Indoor Stadium in Beijing on July 28, which is also the only premiere in the world.

In April 2021, Jason Statham confirmed that things are finally falling into place regarding the sequel. He said the script is ready and that filming should begin the following January.

It was announced in Nov. 2020 that Jason Statham is set to reprise his role and will reportedly be involved in the overall creative process. The supporting cast hadn’t officially been announced, but much of the “key talent” is expected to return. In that case, The Meg 2 will presumably feature Bingbing Li, Ruby Rose and Page Kennedy, among others.