Box Office Bomb – Page 3 – Bad Movie Twins

Collateral Beauty Preview

Later that evening, Jamie, Patrick and Kyle approach the fashion show and glance at the programs they are handed. “Fashion Week: One man’s trash is another man’s treasure,” it reads. “What does that even me…” but before Patrick can finish his thought Jamie is whisked backstage. Taking a seat, Kyle and Patrick are startled by the whispers around them. “I’ve heard these so-called New Models are just trash,” one says and another agrees. “Yes, they are all street urchins from what I understand. Like sea urchins but instead of living in the sea they live in the street.” “Hmmm, right, like trash urchins.” Patrick quickly grabs Kyle and pulls him to the side of the catwalk. “We need to get Jamie and get out of here. This isn’t Fashion Week at all. Look around. Are we in Paris? Do you see Billy Zane? Do you even see Lisa Zane?” Kyle looks around. Indeed. He doesn’t see any Zanes and no Zanes saw him. His only conclusion was that there weren’t any Zanes. They look closer at the program. What they thought had said “Fashion Week” didn’t say that at all! It said “Fashion, Weak”! Saboteur! They rush backstage and find Jamie half dressed in a half horse costume (and I’m not talking the front half). They grab his arms and attempt to get him out of there before the embarrassment starts, but he doesn’t budge. With his rock hard abs tensed, he’s like a statue. “Oh hi fellas, I’m just standing here not flexing with my natural body,” Jamie says with a wink. Confused, they look around and notice that Jamie isn’t alone. A beautiful woman has been cast as his better horse half in this production and it looks like Jamie has found beauty in the most unexpected place. That’s right! It’s a bit of a stretch for that connection, but what does Collateral Beauty even mean? No one knows. Just like how no one knows why this movie was made. This is the Will Smith drama with the jellyfish, right? (It’s not). Let’s go!

Collateral Beauty (2016) – BMeTric: 12.4; Notability: 33

StreetCreditReport.com – BMeTric: top 26.4%; Notability: top 12.8%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 8.0%; Higher BMeT: Fifty Shades of Black, Cell, Zoolander 2, The Forest, Exposed, Cabin Fever, Yoga Hosers, Meet the Blacks, Max Steel, The Darkness, Dark Crimes, Blair Witch, Independence Day: Resurgence, Shut In, Get a Job, The Boss, The Other Side of the Door, USS Indianapolis: Men of Courage, Incarnate, Marauders, and 46 more; Higher Notability: Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice, Suicide Squad, Zoolander 2, Independence Day: Resurgence, The Brothers Grimsby, Warcraft, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Out of the Shadows, Allegiant, Kingsglaive: Final Fantasy XV, The Huntsman: Winter’s War, Ben-Hur, Now You See Me 2, The Legend of Tarzan, The Great Wall, Criminal, Live by Night, Ride Along 2, Jack Reacher: Never Go Back, Mother’s Day, Monster Trucks, and 12 more; Lower RT: Max Steel, Dark Crimes, Hacker, Cabin Fever, The Darkness, Fifty Shades of Black, Shut In, Mother’s Day, Exposed, The Do-Over, Get a Job, I.T., I Am Wrath, The Forest, Dirty Grandpa, Cell, The Choice, Allegiant, Kingsglaive: Final Fantasy XV, Brain on Fire; Notes: Isn’t really big on any of them I suppose. Looking at the low RT options we’ve so many. Max Steel is always there though. Truly a delight we still have that as an option, that’ll be quite an odd film to witness finally I feel like.

RogerEbert.com – 1.5 stars – I don’t think I’ve witnessed a film this year that managed to so completely and utterly collapse into crass garbage in its last few minutes while abusing what little goodwill it has. Sort of the way a shaky line of dominoes can tumble down in a flash. Forget “Collateral Beauty,” whatever that means. This is “Collateral Schmaltz,” the kind that has the power to close rather than open your heart as you rush out of the theater while the terribly named OneRepublic ballad, “Let’s Hurt Tonight,” provides exit music.

(Oh snap. We got a real The Call situation on our hands? That would be fun. If for a solid 2 hours I watch this with reasonable delight, and then watch the final minutes in horror. Please let this happen.)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w1tfLWxcEzw/

(Oh my god, this trailer is horrible haha. Also they completely pull the punch … you don’t know at all that this is all kind of a set up by Will Smith’s friends in a craven attempt to get money … yeah, that’s the plot of this film.)

Directors – David Frankel – ( Known For: The Devil Wears Prada; Marley & Me; The Big Year; Hope Springs; Jerry and Marge Go Large; One Chance; Miami Rhapsody; BMT: Collateral Beauty; Notes: His short won an Oscar in 1997. Still directs, although mostly television. His father was a notably executive editor of the New York Times back in the day.)

Writers – Allan Loeb – ( Known For: The Switch; Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps; Here Comes the Boom; Rock of Ages; Things We Lost in the Fire; So Undercover; The Only Living Boy in New York; Future BMT: 21; BMT: Just Go with It; Collateral Beauty; The Dilemma; The Space Between Us; Notes: Hasn’t written anything since, but has three projects in the works in some capacity.)

Actors – Will Smith – ( Known For: I Am Legend; Men in Black; Independence Day; I, Robot; The Pursuit of Happyness; Hancock; Men in Black 3; Hitch; Aladdin; Bad Boys; Focus; Enemy of the State; Bright; Anchorman 2: The Legend Continues; Bad Boys for Life; King Richard; Ali; Concussion; Jersey Girl; The Legend of Bagger Vance; Future BMT: Seven Pounds; Bad Boys II; Shark Tale; Gemini Man; Made in America; BMT: Suicide Squad; Men in Black II; After Earth; Wild Wild West; Collateral Beauty; Winter’s Tale; Notes: Nominated three times for Oscars, finally winning for King Richard (something else happened that night … I can’t recall). Has 5 upcoming projects still. Notably was selected by Quincy Jones specifically for Fresh Prince.)

Edward Norton – ( Known For: Fight Club; American History X; The Grand Budapest Hotel; Birdman or (The Unexpected Virtue of Ignorance); The Incredible Hulk; Glass Onion; The Illusionist; The Italian Job; Moonrise Kingdom; The Dictator; The Bourne Legacy; Alita: Battle Angel; Red Dragon; Primal Fear; Sausage Party; Isle of Dogs; 25th Hour; Rounders; The Invention of Lying; The French Dispatch; Future BMT: Kingdom of Heaven; Pride and Glory; After the Sunset; BMT: Collateral Beauty; Notes: Nominated for three Oscars, most recently for Birdman. Notoriously difficult to work with and notable for re-editing several films he was involved with after the fact, American History X being the most significant story.)

Kate Winslet – ( Known For: Titanic; Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind; Divergent; Avatar: The Way of Water; The Holiday; Contagion; The Reader; Revolutionary Road; Finding Neverland; Steve Jobs; Flushed Away; Carnage; The Life of David Gale; Sense and Sensibility; Little Children; Triple 9; Heavenly Creatures; The Dressmaker; Quills; Labor Day; Future BMT: The Divergent Series: Insurgent; The Mountain Between Us; How to Lose Friends & Alienate People; All the King’s Men; BMT: Movie 43; Collateral Beauty; Notes: She’s been nominated 7 times for an Oscar, and won (surprisingly I think) for The Reader. Is going to be in an upcoming based on a true story film about some cryptocoin scam.)

Budget/Gross – $36,000,000 / Domestic: $31,016,021 (Worldwide: $88,616,021)

(Eh, probably wasn’t a huge loser. But a Will Smith film probably wants to look at $60+ if not $100+ domestic for the stacked cast it is putting out there.)

Rotten Tomatoes – 13% (25/187): Well-meaning but fundamentally flawed, Collateral Beauty aims for uplift but collapses in unintentional hilarity.

(Ooooooo. Although, something tells me you had to have seen it at the time to get it. An earnest romantic drama getting into theaters these days? Impossible. And thus it might just feel pretty charming.)

Reviewer Highlight: The five stages of grief sometimes seem applicable to movie reviewing, except that I usually skip denial, rarely get around to acceptance and generally just settle into anger, which is where I am with “Collateral Beauty.” – Manohla Dargis, New York Times

Poster – Collateral Booty

(Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo. F.)

Tagline(s) – We are all connected (D)

(Nooooo. Nooooo. Noooooooooooooooooooooooooo.)

Keyword(s) – 2015-2023

Top 10: Avengers: Endgame (2019), Avengers: Infinity War (2018), Deadpool (2016), Mad Max: Fury Road (2015), Star Wars: Episode VII – The Force Awakens (2015), Parasite (2019), Avengers: Age of Ultron (2015), The Martian (2015), The Revenant (2015), Spider-Man: No Way Home (2021)

Future BMT: 79.3 Jeepers Creepers III (2017), 78.8 Black Christmas (2019), 76.0 Jeepers Creepers: Reborn (2022), 74.6 The Grudge (2020), 73.6 The Turning (2020), 71.2 Paranormal Activity: The Ghost Dimension (2015), 70.7 Snatched (2017), 68.7 Norm of the North (2016), 68.6 Poltergeist (2015), 68.3 Meet the Blacks (2016), 67.0 Max Steel (2016), 66.4 The Disappointments Room (2016), 66.3 God’s Not Dead 2 (2016), 64.7 Brahms: The Boy II (2020), 64.5 Blair Witch (2016), 63.4 Hot Tub Time Machine 2 (2015), 62.7 Diary of a Wimpy Kid: The Long Haul (2017), 61.2 Like a Boss (2020), 61.0 Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Road Chip (2015), 59.4 Jem and the Holograms (2015)

BMT: Cats (2019), The Emoji Movie (2017), Fifty Shades of Grey (2015), Slender Man (2018), Fantastic Four (2015), Holmes & Watson (2018), Fifty Shades of Black (2016), Space Jam: A New Legacy (2021), Fifty Shades Freed (2018), Fifty Shades Darker (2017), Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2 (2015), Rings (2017), The Bye Bye Man (2017), Zoolander 2 (2016), The Gallows (2015), The Boy Next Door (2015), The Ridiculous 6 (2015), Fantasy Island (2020), The Exorcist: Believer (2023), Expend4bles (2023), Meg 2: The Trench (2023), Moonfall (2022), After We Fell (2021), Blacklight (2022), Independence Day: Resurgence (2016), Transformers: The Last Knight (2017), Morbius (2022), Hot Pursuit (2015), The 5th Wave (2016), Hellboy (2019), The Snowman (2017), Resident Evil: Welcome to Raccoon City (2021), … (and many more)

Best Options (Romance): 55.6 Radhe Shyam (2022), 53.2 Aloha (2015), 46.0 Nobody’s Fool (2018), 45.6 I Feel Pretty (2018), 38.3 The Perfect Match (2016), 37.0 Home Again (2017), 35.8 Reminiscence (2021), 35.7 Love the Coopers (2015), 35.3 The Perfect Guy (2015), 33.3 Mike and Dave Need Wedding Dates (2016), 31.3 Overboard (2018), 30.3 Jexi (2019), 27.3 The Comedian (2016), 26.6 Acrimony (2018), 25.4 We Are Your Friends (2015), 23.5 Tulip Fever (2017), 17.0 2 Hearts (2020), 16.1 A Journal for Jordan (2021), 12.4 Collateral Beauty (2016), 11.6 God Bless the Broken Road (2018), 11.0 Redeeming Love (2022), 9.3 Life Itself (2018), 9.3 Passengers (2016), 9.0 The Longest Ride (2015)

(Oh man, low. But it is the most “interesting” option as it is a Will Smith film made right as his fortunes were turning a bit. Although … well I guess he won an Oscar after, but still, his commercial films tended to start not doing as well around then if I recall correctly.)

Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 13) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Michael Peña is No. 4 billed in Collateral Beauty and No. 1 billed in Fantasy Island, which also stars Michael Rooker (No. 4 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 4 billed) => (4 + 1) + (4 + 4) = 13. If we were to watch Shark Tale we can get the HoE Number down to 12.

Notes – Will Smith’s father, Willard Carroll Smith, Sr., was dying while Smith researched this role. He has said that working on this movie was extremely therapeutic in helping him deal with the ultimate loss of his dad.

Will Smith praised the whole cast by saying, “If we are all judged by the company we keep … then I want this cast with me for life!”

When Will Smith heard about co-star Naomie Harris’ mom Lisselle Kayla’s Jamaican cooking during this shoot, he invited himself to her house, and dined with Naomie and her extended family.

Hugh Jackman was originally attached to star, but dropped out due to scheduling conflicts, and was later replaced by Will Smith. Both actors were born in 1968 but were only in a month and seventeen days apart from each other. Smith was born on September 25th and Jackman was born on October 12th.

The theater Amy enters is the Hegel theater. Hegel regarded history as an intelligible process moving towards a specific condition – the realization of human freedom. Howard goes through the process freeing himself (or being freed) from grief.

Awards – Nominee for the Razzie Award for Worst Screen Combo

The New Mutants Preview

After catching the eye of the saleswoman, Patrick and Kyle watch as Jamie tries on a series of outfits, each one seemingly more outrageous than the last. Jamie seems particularly taken with a very classy Canadian tuxedo he found in the back of the store, but it is also summarily rejected. Sadly he trudges out of the changing room in a non-Canadian tuxedo, complete with tails, bowtie, monocle, and top hat. This outfit gets an emphatic thumbs up from Kyle and a slight, but approving, nod from Patrick. Jamie isn’t so sure. Suddenly they hear a gasp and the smashing of a champagne glass nearby. “Sacre bleu!” a woman shrieks, “he’s beautiful.” A man joins her and, looking closely at Jamie, puts his hands up as if it were a camera lens. “Yes, he is perfect. The outfit is so classy and yet… he’s brutish. As if his body could explode out of the fabric at any moment.” Jamie is confused. Sure his body could explode out of the fabric any time he wanted, but why would he want that? That’s why he needs sturdy denim capable of withstanding whatever his body brings. The woman approaches. “Hello, we love you, we must have you. We’re from Big Modeling Talent Agency and we’re having trouble filling out our latest fashion show at Fashion Week. Are you interested?” Jamie’s head spins, imaging the celebs that might be at Fashion Week. Rumor around the block was that Billy Zane was hoping to attend this year! “The idea is: ‘These ain’t your daddy’s models.’” the woman says, flashing her hands dramatically as if the words should blow your mind. Patrick scoffs, but Jamie seems to be digging it. He nods in wonder and whispers, “Yeah, like… ‘The New Models.’” That’s right! We aren’t watching the New Models, but rather the X-Men spinoff, The New Mutants. This was dumped in the pandemic after being shelved for years. That’s a recipe for success. Let’s go!

The New Mutants (2020) – BMeTric: 57.4; Notability: 28

StreetCreditReport.com – BMeTric: top 6.4%; Notability: top 4.8%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 20.3%; Higher BMeT: Breach, Hard Kill, Artemis Fowl, The Grudge, The Turning, The Last Days of American Crime, Jiu Jitsu, The Last Thing He Wanted, Fantasy Island, Survive the Night, The 2nd, Brahms: The Boy II, After We Collided, Like a Boss, Force of Nature, The Tax Collector; Higher Notability: Dolittle, Artemis Fowl, The Rhythm Section, Bloodshot, Rebecca, The War with Grandpa, Spenser Confidential, Hillbilly Elegy, Fantasy Island, The Turning, The Wrong Missy, Superintelligence; Lower RT: Hard Kill, The Last Days of American Crime, The 2nd, The F**k-It List, The Last Thing He Wanted, Force of Nature, Artemis Fowl, Fantasy Island, Songbird, A Nice Girl Like You, Brahms: The Boy II, The Turning, After We Collided, Survive the Night, Dolittle, Desperados, A Fall from Grace, 2 Hearts, The Tax Collector, Fatal Affair, and 29 more; Notes: Yeah, 2020 was going to be a struggle because it was kind of a dumping ground. I did at one point float doing Artemis Fowl as a friend. That movie seems absurd.

AV Club – C – Even a mangled bit of Whedonese about a toad struck by lightning could benefit a superhero story this starved for character.

(I had to just find a random one here. AV Club fit the bill. The only thing I really know about this film is that it was dumped. There were times when it looked like it was going to go Batgirl style and just get completely buried.)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W_vJhUAOFpI/

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W_vJhUAOFpI/

(Genuinely bullshit. Like … that isn’t the plot of the film! The plot is that the main girl is causing the fear dreams, the hospital isn’t there to do it to them. Absurd. Also, this film was legit poised to be a kind of good version of the film Fear from last year. Which is wild shit.)

Directors – Josh Boone – ( Known For: The Fault in Our Stars; Stuck in Love.; BMT: The New Mutants; Notes: The Fault in Our Stars to this is wild. It feels like he was brought in at a time when this was going to be a more indie-ish property, and then eventually it was twisted into a semi-horror film at one point.)

Writers – Josh Boone – ( Known For: Stuck in Love.; All We Had; The Pretenders; BMT: He seems to have been somewhat tied up with The Stand since. His most recent producing project is some weird time travel film involving a mix-tape … yup.)

Knate Lee – ( Known For: Jackass 3D; Jackass Forever; Cardboard Boxer; Future BMT: Kidnap; BMT: The New Mutants; Notes: “Writes” a lot of the Jackass films somehow? I don’t get that. Seems like a crazy person to bring in to write your X-Men adject IP.)

Actors – Maisie Williams – ( Known For: iBoy; Early Man; Mary Shelley; Then Came You; The Owners; The Falling; The Book of Love; Gold; BMT: The New Mutants; Notes: You know her from Game of Thrones, where she was nominated for two Emmys. She is fully back to doing TV which is good, she’s solid in television roles.)

Anya Taylor-Joy – ( Known For: Split; The Menu; The Witch; The Northman; The Super Mario Bros. Movie; Last Night in Soho; Emma.; Thoroughbreds; Marrowbone; Radioactive; Barry; Love, Antosha; Here Are the Young Men; Future BMT: Morgan; Playmobil: The Movie; BMT: Glass; Amsterdam; The New Mutants; Notes: Nominated for an Emmy for Queen’s Gambit which is her most famous role, until this year maybe since she’s the star of the new Mad Max film.)

Charlie Heaton – ( Known For: Marrowbone; The Souvenir: Part II; As You Are; No Future; Future BMT: Shut In; BMT: The New Mutants; Notes: Mostly just doing those Stranger Things stuff. This movie was really a who’s who of TV work. Has a maybe interesting upcoming project with Al Pacino and Patrick Schwarzeneggar. I mean … didn’t say good, just interesting.)

Budget/Gross – $67–80 million / Domestic: $23,852,659 (Worldwide: $49,169,594)

(Yeah obviously terrible, but that budget seems fake. This is a one location film with four or five TV stars right? Where is this budget going? CGI I suppose would be the counter, but I’m not sure I believe it. Seems like accounting shenanigans more likely.)

Rotten Tomatoes – 36% (50/139): Rendering a list of potentially explosive ingredients mostly inert, The New Mutants is a franchise spinoff that’s less than the sum of its super-powered parts.

(Yeah, seems like a formula for some bodice success (horror film spin off from a popular franchise). Problem is when you create a horror film you need to stick to the budget: $15 million. It would have been a decent success if they could have pulled that off.)

NY Times Review: The original New Mutants comics debuted in 1983, the year Johnny Ramone howled for “Psycho Therapy,” and its punkish, expressionistic pages wafted spray paint. Boone’s version is set in the 1990s and wallows in Gen-X ennui. – Amy Nicholson, The New York Times

Poster – Not Your Daddy’s Mutants

(I appreciate the style. I very much appreciate the font and the color scheme. But it’s a little basic… like it’s just a bunch of heads all stylized up. B+)

Tagline(s) – It’s time to face your demons. (C-)

(Nah. That’s generic. Could be applied to a bunch of movies.)

Keyword(s) – 2015-2023

Future BMT: 84.9 Winnie the Pooh: Blood and Honey (2023), 79.3 Jeepers Creepers III (2017), 78.8 Black Christmas (2019), 76.0 Jeepers Creepers: Reborn (2022), 74.6 The Grudge (2020), 73.6 The Turning (2020), 71.2 Paranormal Activity: The Ghost Dimension (2015), 70.7 Snatched (2017), 68.7 Norm of the North (2016), 68.5 Poltergeist (2015), 68.3 Meet the Blacks (2016), 67.0 Max Steel (2016), 66.4 The Disappointments Room (2016), 66.3 God’s Not Dead 2 (2016), 64.7 Brahms: The Boy II (2020), 64.5 Blair Witch (2016), 63.4 Hot Tub Time Machine 2 (2015), 62.7 Diary of a Wimpy Kid: The Long Haul (2017), 61.1 Like a Boss (2020), 61.0 Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Road Chip (2015)

BMT: The Emoji Movie (2017), Fifty Shades of Grey (2015), Slender Man (2018), Fantastic Four (2015), Holmes & Watson (2018), Fifty Shades of Black (2016), Space Jam: A New Legacy (2021), Fifty Shades Freed (2018), Fifty Shades Darker (2017), Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2 (2015), Rings (2017), The Bye Bye Man (2017), Zoolander 2 (2016), The Gallows (2015), The Boy Next Door (2015), The Ridiculous 6 (2015), Fantasy Island (2020), The Exorcist: Believer (2023), Firestarter (2022), Expend4bles (2023), Meg 2: The Trench (2023), Moonfall (2022), After We Fell (2021), Blacklight (2022), Independence Day: Resurgence (2016), Transformers: The Last Knight (2017), Morbius (2022), Hot Pursuit (2015), The 5th Wave (2016), Hellboy (2019), The Snowman (2017), Resident Evil: Welcome to Raccoon City (2021), … (and many more)

Best Options (Horror): 84.9 Winnie the Pooh: Blood and Honey (2023), 79.3 Jeepers Creepers III (2017), 78.8 Black Christmas (2019), 76.0 Jeepers Creepers: Reborn (2022), 74.6 The Grudge (2020), 73.6 The Turning (2020), 71.2 Paranormal Activity: The Ghost Dimension (2015), 68.5 Poltergeist (2015), 68.3 Meet the Blacks (2016), 66.4 The Disappointments Room (2016), 64.7 Brahms: The Boy II (2020), 64.5 Blair Witch (2016), 58.0 The Lazarus Effect (2015), 57.3 The New Mutants (2020), 56.1 The Strangers: Prey at Night (2018), 56.0 Sinister 2 (2015), 55.9 Wish Upon (2017), 55.1 Umma (2022), 54.7 Friend Request (2016), 54.0 The Possession of Hannah Grace (2018), 52.2 Boo 2! A Madea Halloween (2017), 50.7 Resident Evil: The Final Chapter (2016), 50.6 Halloween Kills (2021), 48.1 Insidious: The Red Door (2023), 45.6 Incarnate (2016), 44.9 Separation (2021), 43.4 Jigsaw (2017), 42.8 Insidious: The Last Key (2018), 42.7 Hell Fest (2018), 38.1 Morgan (2016), 37.4 The Devil Conspiracy (2022), 35.6 Victor Frankenstein (2015), 26.6 Acrimony (2018), 18.6 Nefarious (2023)

(Again, 2020 was going to be tough. Brahms: The Boy II and some other random annoying ones were the other options. This was more fun.)

Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 16) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Alice Braga is No. 6 billed in The New Mutants and No. 2 billed in Hypnotic, which also stars Ben Affleck (No. 1 billed) who is in Pearl Harbor (No. 1 billed) which also stars Josh Hartnett (No. 3 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 3 billed) => (6 + 2) + (1 + 1) + (3 + 3) = 16. There is no shorter path at the moment.

Notes – The vision Dani sees of mutant children contains some reused footage from Logan (2017).

Josh Boone intended this film to be the first in a trilogy, with the second film to be an alien invasion movie featuring the alien mutant Warlock, and then the third and final installment to be a supernatural, apocalyptic horror movie based on the X-Men comic event “Inferno” (demons invade the Earth and Magik plays a major role). After Disney’s purchase of Fox, all X-Men-related films in development were cancelled, including Boone’s trilogy.

Josh Boone admitted that he found shooting to be stressful, as he felt “a bit neutered” because he had to tone down the film from his original “full horror” ideas.

The last Marvel film to be released with Stan Lee as an executive producer.

The film had five release dates. It was originally slated to debut on April 13, 2018, but was first delayed to February 19, 2019, in order to conduct reshoots. Later, it was pushed back to August 2, 2019, while Disney finalized its purchase of Fox. The film was pushed back yet again to April 3, 2020, to make room for the release of Dark Phoenix (2019). On March 12, 2020, it was postponed due to the COVID-19 pandemic. On May 13, 2020, its new release date of August 28, 2020 was announced, and the film was finally released in theaters on that date.

The Happytime Murders Preview

“I’m sorry,” Patrick says, seeing how much it was hurting Jamie to leave his maze brides behind. “I know,” he answers, eyes looking longingly into the middle distance. “Just when it seems I find love it turns out to be too good to be true. It just hurts so much.” Patrick puts a hand on his shoulder. “It only hurts because you experienced true love. Love blurs the lines between pain and pleasure.” With that they steel themselves and go through the Reverse Exorcism process.

Suddenly, Jamie and Patrick awaken from their hypnotic slumber in the Antiquities Room. They immediately transition into a patented Twin Chop, only to stop themselves inches from totally owning the valet’s jugular. “Where’s Luigi? Where’s our mother?” They ask, looking frantically around the room. They are informed that shortly after entering a fugue state their mother entered and fired Luigi as part of her long con to get him indicted for fraud in Italy’s high court. Luigi was unceremoniously carted off and they proceeded to have an hour long conversation with their mother. This conversation went well, they all had dinner together, and then they were returned to the Antiquities Room so that once they awoke they wouldn’t be startled by their surroundings and tear their own eyes out. “So did she tell us what to do?” Patrick asks with great anticipation. The valet nods. “Do what you love,” he answers simply. Halfway through putting on his cable knit sweater, though, Patrick notices that Jamie isn’t doing the same. “BMT is what we love,” he says encouragingly and Jamie nods. “I know, but I don’t just want to do what I love… I want love.” Patrick understands. They agree to get BMT running and then they’ll venture forth to find Jamie true happiness. True love. That’s right! We are finding true happiness with the “muppets gone bad” film, The Happytime Murders. This is the beginning of 2024’s experiment in cycles. For the first time all the cycles are connected. We are proceeding through time picking up some of the best BMT films we missed from each year going back to 1983. The Happytime Murders is the 2018 entry for the 2015-2023 cycle. Let’s go!

The Happytime Murders (2018) – BMeTric: 45.9; Notability: 60

StreetCreditReport.com – BMeTric: top 11.2%; Notability: top 1.6%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 13.4%; Higher BMeT: Slender Man, The Open House, Holmes & Watson, Escape Plan 2: Hades, Fifty Shades Freed, Swiped, Siberia, The Titan, How It Ends, Gotti, Truth or Dare, The Nun, The Predator, Fahrenheit 451, Robin Hood, The Strangers: Prey at Night, The Possession of Hannah Grace, The Week Of, The 15:17 to Paris, Replicas, and 8 more; Higher Notability: Fantastic Beasts: The Crimes of Grindelwald, Venom, The Predator, The Nutcracker and the Four Realms; Lower RT: Gotti, Father of the Year, Billionaire Boys Club, Escape Plan 2: Hades, Slender Man, Holmes & Watson, The Professor, Replicas, Fifty Shades Freed, Siberia, Peppermint, The Open House, Little Italy, Winchester, Life Itself, Robin Hood, The Darkest Minds, The Kissing Booth, Look Away, Truth or Dare, and 13 more; Notes: The higher Notability films are hilarious, we’ve basically not seen any of those. I actually can’t believe we haven’t seen Gotti yet … kind of too bad we didn’t hit up After Everything last cycle because I think Gotti would be an obvious choice. Barely doesn’t qualify with a 503 widest release. The Notability on this film is off the chain though.

RogerEbert.com – 2.0 stars – One doesn’t need to concern oneself too much with plot, what with all the puppet hijinks. They begin with the foul language, but in due time, we see puppets whose forms are pretty familiar—fluffy bunnies, frisky doggies, a porn shop proprietor that looks like a relative of Sam The Eagle gone severely to seed, and so on—doing generally unexpected things, like flashing pubic hair and ejaculating. Is this funny? The screening I attended did not exactly rollick with laughter, and I found scenes of humorous human interaction, such as an evidence hunt embarked on by McCarthy and Maya Rudolph, playing Phil’s loyal secretary, more amusing than the puppet stuff. But I don’t want to come down too hard on this movie, because even though it doesn’t work, the high spirits with which it was made seem unaffected. Which means that if you’re susceptible to such an atmosphere, particularly such a one as McCarthy and friends can create (other human cast members include Elizabeth Banks and Joel McHale; among the puppeteers is Kevin Clash, one of the original handlers of Elmo), you might get a kick out of it. But don’t bring the kids. Seriously. Just don’t.

(I think this review. I think this film is going to end up being “amusing, but not funny, with a conceit so out there you desperately hope it is funny” … and you end up quite disappointed which is where the bad reviews come from. That’s what I hope at least.)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-eks8LG72uo/

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-eks8LG72uo/

(Yeah that trailer only doesn’t really work because you would, presumably, want to bust out one actually good joke if you had one. It makes me suspicious that this is a joke-free shock comedy which tends to just be aggravating.)

Directors – Brian Henson – ( Known For: The Muppet Christmas Carol; Muppet Treasure Island; BMT: The Happytime Murders; Notes: Yeah the son of Jim Henson, and this was supposed to start a series of alternative muppet films (basically) but it never happened after this financially flopped.)

Writers – Todd Berger – ( Known For: The Curse of Bridge Hollow; It’s a Disaster; The Scenesters; BMT: The Happytime Murders; Notes: From New Orleans and started his production company Voodoo Productions there while in high school and he still uses the name.)

Dee Austin Robertson – (BMT: The Happytime Murders; Notes: An interesting case, she has two different The Movie Database profiles … wait, did I say interesting?)

Actors – Melissa McCarthy – ( Known For: Thor: Love and Thunder; Bridesmaids; Spy; Ghostbusters; Central Intelligence; Charlie’s Angels; The Heat; This Is 40; The Little Mermaid; Charlie’s Angels: Full Throttle; St. Vincent; Go; Can You Ever Forgive Me?; Thunder Force; The Kid; The Nines; White Oleander; The Starling; Superintelligence; Pumpkin; Future BMT: The Hangover Part III; Identity Thief; Life as We Know It; The Life of David Gale; The Back-up Plan; The Boss; Life of the Party; The Kitchen; Drowning Mona; BMT: Tammy; The Happytime Murders; Notes: An odd career. Obviously cut her teeth on television in things like Gilmore Girls and Mike & Molly. Then had her big break with Bridesmaids. Became a bona fide comedy A-lister, but that kind of crapped out with her husband often at the helm. But meanwhile she has had a rather impressive dramatic career now in things like Can You Ever Forgive Me? Just very interesting.)

Elizabeth Banks – ( Known For: Catch Me If You Can; The Hunger Games; Spider-Man; The Hunger Games: Catching Fire; Spider-Man 2; Spider-Man 3; The Hunger Games: Mockingjay – Part 1; The 40-Year-Old Virgin; The Lego Movie; The Hunger Games: Mockingjay – Part 2; Pitch Perfect; Role Models; The Next Three Days; Zack and Miri Make a Porno; Definitely, Maybe; Pitch Perfect 2; Power Rangers; Brightburn; Our Idiot Brother; Slither; Future BMT: Man on a Ledge; The Uninvited; Pitch Perfect 3; Fred Claus; Meet Dave; BMT: Movie 43; What to Expect When You’re Expecting; The Happytime Murders; Notes: Now a pretty major director with things like Pitch Perfect 3 and Cocaine Bear. I wouldn’t be surprised if she busts out a fairly serious Indie hit in the next few years that gets her some serious awards consideration … or maybe she’ll just be a director for hire and make a boatload making things like Cocaine Bear.)

Maya Rudolph – ( Known For: Big Hero 6; 50 First Dates; Shrek the Third; Gattaca; As Good as It Gets; Bridesmaids; Luca; Idiocracy; The Way Way Back; Licorice Pizza; Booksmart; The Mitchells vs the Machines; Inherent Vice; Turbo; The Angry Birds Movie; The Lego Movie 2: The Second Part; Sisters; Popstar: Never Stop Never Stopping; Hubie Halloween; Away We Go; Future BMT: Duplex; Life of the Party; The Nut Job; Strange Magic; The Nut Job 2: Nutty by Nature; BMT: Grown Ups; Grown Ups 2; The Emoji Movie; Zookeeper; CHIPS; The Happytime Murders; Notes: She’s hilarious in everything. I particularly like her ad the dead wife in MacGruber, but she is all over the place writing and acting. Oh and she’s married to Paul Thomas Anderson.)

Budget/Gross – $40,000,000 / Domestic: $20,706,452 (Worldwide: $27,506,452)

(Yeah catastrophic. At least I can imagine where the money goes to. Making puppets and elaborate sets for puppeteers to operate in.)

Rotten Tomatoes – 23% (58/248): The Happytime Murders wastes its intriguingly transgressive premise on a witless comedy that blindly pushes buttons instead of attempting to tell an entertaining story.

(Boo. This is exactly what one would fear it would be. Hopefully with a bit of distance and lowered expectations the film can still be a bit entertaining at least.)

Reviewer Highlight: The plot should be an excuse for comic invention, but it mostly just gets in the way, which makes me think that a feature film isn’t really what Phil and his ilk need or deserve. – A.O. Scott, New York Times

Poster – The Happy Sklog Murders

(I don’t mind this. Color, font, and puppets. All intriguing so it does its job despite being a typical star-driven, not artistic style poster. I kinda wish it was more old school… playing on the muppets more. But this is fine. Just not much flair. C+.)

Tagline(s) – No Sesame. All Street. (A)

Sex. Murder. Puppets. (A-)

(The first one is the one they got in trouble for. The second one is what replaced it. I think both are pretty good actually. Fun, short, and clever. The first one is the better of the two… unfortunately for their legal team.)

Keyword(s) – 2015-2023

Future BMT: 84.6 Winnie the Pooh: Blood and Honey (2023), 79.3 Jeepers Creepers III (2017), 78.7 Black Christmas (2019), 75.9 Jeepers Creepers: Reborn (2022), 74.6 The Grudge (2020), 73.6 The Turning (2020), 71.1 Paranormal Activity: The Ghost Dimension (2015), 70.7 Snatched (2017), 68.6 Norm of the North (2016), 68.5 Poltergeist (2015), 68.3 Meet the Blacks (2016), 67.0 Max Steel (2016), 66.4 The Disappointments Room (2016), 66.2 God’s Not Dead 2 (2016), 64.6 Brahms: The Boy II (2020), 64.5 Blair Witch (2016), 63.4 Hot Tub Time Machine 2 (2015), 62.6 Diary of a Wimpy Kid: The Long Haul (2017), 61.1 Like a Boss (2020), 60.9 Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Road Chip (2015)

BMT: Cats (2019), The Emoji Movie (2017), Fifty Shades of Grey (2015), Slender Man (2018), Fantastic Four (2015), Holmes & Watson (2018), Fifty Shades of Black (2016), Space Jam: A New Legacy (2021), Fifty Shades Freed (2018), Fifty Shades Darker (2017), Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2 (2015), Rings (2017), The Bye Bye Man (2017), Zoolander 2 (2016), The Gallows (2015), The Boy Next Door (2015), The Ridiculous 6 (2015), Fantasy Island (2020), The Exorcist: Believer (2023), Meg 2: The Trench (2023), Expend4bles (2023), Moonfall (2022), After We Fell (2021), Blacklight (2022), Independence Day: Resurgence (2016), Transformers: The Last Knight (2017), Hot Pursuit (2015), Morbius (2022), The 5th Wave (2016), Hellboy (2019), The Snowman (2017), Resident Evil: Welcome to Raccoon City (2021), Truth or Dare (2018), The Curse of La Llorona (2019), … (and many more)

Best Options (Comedy): 70.7 Snatched (2017), 68.6 Norm of the North (2016), 68.3 Meet the Blacks (2016), 63.4 Hot Tub Time Machine 2 (2015), 62.6 Diary of a Wimpy Kid: The Long Haul (2017), 61.1 Like a Boss (2020), 60.9 Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Road Chip (2015), 53.8 Just Getting Started (2017), 53.2 Aloha (2015), 52.3 Playing with Fire (2019), 52.2 Boo 2! A Madea Halloween (2017), 51.7 The Boss (2016), 49.2 Action Point (2018), 48.3 Vanguard (2020), 48.1 Sherlock Gnomes (2018), 47.8 Men in Black: International (2019), 46.0 Nobody’s Fool (2018), 45.9 The Happytime Murders (2018), … (and many more)

(Not as far down as I would imagine. We were somewhat limited to 2018 in the end and the other options (Action Point and Sherlock Gnomes) were borderline as far as genre in my opinion. This has some serious Razzie cred though, so it works. I do like that we are pretty even on all the years, and it does truly show the issue we are facing with BMT going forward.)

Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 16) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Melissa McCarthy is No. 1 billed in The Happytime Murders and No. 1 billed in Tammy, which also stars Susan Sarandon (No. 2 billed) who is in That’s My Boy (No. 3 billed) which also stars Adam Sandler (No. 1 billed) who is in Jack and Jill (No. 1 billed) which also stars Al Pacino (No. 2 billed) who is in 88 Minutes (No. 1 billed) which also stars Leelee Sobieski (No. 3 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 1 billed) => (1 + 1) + (2 + 3) + (1 + 1) + (2 + 1) + (3 + 1) = 16. If we were to watch The Kitchen, and Like a Boss we can get the HoE Number down to 13.

Notes – Sesame Workshop sued the team behind the film for the tagline, “No sesame. All street,” claiming that the film tarnishes their reputation. The suit was rejected on May 30, 2018. Soon after, STX issued a brief statement, “We fluffing love Sesame Street (1969) and we’re obviously very pleased that the ruling reinforced what STX’s intention was from the very beginning – to honor the heritage of The Jim Henson Company’s previous award-winning creations while drawing a clear distinction between any Muppets or Sesame Street characters and the new world Brian Henson and team created. We believe we accomplished that with the very straightforward NO SESAME, ALL STREET tagline. We look forward to continued happytimes as we prepare to release Happytime Murders this summer.” Some TV spots for the film started with “From the studio that was sued by Sesame Street…”

A total of 125 puppets are in the film, with 40 specifically created for it. All of the sets were built so that puppeteers could stand on the floor and operate the puppets as if they were standing with straight arms. The floor of the sets came up in pieces, so the human actors had a two-foot margin to stay on their path.

Officer Donny, the cop, is Melissa McCarthy’s real-life husband, Ben Falcone. The couple has appeared in several movies together including: The Nines (2007), Bridesmaids (2011), Identity Thief (2013), The Heat (2013), Tammy (2014), Spy (2015) and The Boss (2016), The Life of The Party (2018).

This is the first theatrical film Brian Henson has directed since Muppet Treasure Island (1996).

Brian Henson’s worst day on set was when he had to play Crab. He had to be inside a trash can so that he could direct while operating and voice Crab. While he was in there, he suddenly felt something cold and liquid creeping down his back. A crew member who thought it was a real trash can had carelessly thrown in a half-full bottle of beer.

Awards – Nominee for the Razzie Award for Worst Picture

Winner for the Razzie Award for Worst Actress (Melissa McCarthy)

Nominee for the Razzie Award for Worst Supporting Actor (Joel McHale)

Nominee for the Razzie Award for Worst Screen Combo

Nominee for the Razzie Award for Worst Director (Brian Henson)

Fool’s Paradise Preview

Several weeks later, Patrick is camped out at Freddy’s. His binoculars (or ‘nocks, as the kids call them) have been trained on Jamie’s new, very haunted house ever since he abandoned him to the maze. “Jesus, that house is so haunted,” Patrick mumbles. It’s true, but there is a twinge of jealousy to Patrick’s disapproving tone because the only ghosts he’s seen are totally dope. Ghost skateboards, ghost Mountain Dew, and ghost electric guitars as far as the eye can see. “And none of this is even real!” Patrick yells, “We are in a puzzle box after probably being hypnotized!” This outburst earns him a shush from Freddy. “Shut it, Freddy,” Patrick growls, “This whole world is pain and/or pleasure and yet none of it can wake us up. That’s dumb.” He feels a hand on his shoulder and Freddy is there with a piping hot za. It’s The Pinhead, his favorite. “Aw, I’m sorry, Fred. Thanks. This will really tear up my throat,” Patrick says and this moment of kindness from Freddy brings a tear to his eye. He’s never noticed how cozy it is at Freddy’s. He’s been so focused on getting out of here that he forgot to appreciate what he has. Friendship, the torture machine in the corner that always eats your quarters, the jukebox that never stops playing Summer Girls by LFO, the large book called How to Escape the Maze, the… “What thuuu…” Patrick says dumbly as he picks up the book. Suddenly escape is within reach. He just has to figure out how to get into Jamie’s house and convince him to leave with him. As he raises the ‘nocks back to his face he smiles as he sees Jamie put a sign on his door, “Fool’s Paradise. Rooms Available.” Bingo. That’s right! We’re watching Fool’s Paradise… … … Fooooool’s Paradise. Because we have to for the chain. Let’s go!

Fool’s Paradise (2023) – BMeTric: 43.8; Notability: 54

StreetCreditReport.com – BMeTric: top 7.2%; Notability: top 0.0%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 2.8%; Higher BMeT: The Exorcist: Believer, Meg 2: The Trench, Expend4bles, The Black Demon, Knights of the Zodiac, Best. Christmas. Ever!, Pet Sematary: Bloodlines, 65, The Ritual Killer, Five Nights at Freddy’s, The Out-Laws, Insidious: The Red Door, Maybe I Do, In the Fire, White Men Can’t Jump, Retribution, Hypnotic, Fool’s Paradise; Lower RT: Freelance, The Ritual Killer, 57 Seconds, Expend4bles, In the Fire, On a Wing and a Prayer; Notes: The fact that this tops the notability scale is crazy! It might seem like 54 is low, but all the numbers creep up over time as people get more notable, so there will be some higher ones eventually I think. Then again, the cast here is just so expansive.

RogerEbert.com – 0.5 stars – Hollywood will always be ripe for skewering. It employs too many comedians and takes itself too seriously as a business not to be. Because this topic is so close to home, it means many others have had a few laughs at the industry’s expense already, including Woody Allen mocking their (still growing) number of award shows in “Annie Hall” or even how the Marion Davies comedy “Show People” had fun with the odds characters you meet in entertainment in the 1920s. But “Fool’s Paradise” occupies some mirthless middle ground between “Show People” and the dark Hollywood satire “The Day of the Locust,” and it doesn’t have anything to show for it. Overblown caricatures and stale jokes about “don’t you know who I am?!” and going to see his wife’s shaman are as empty as a finished cup of coffee, and unfortunately, this movie has nothing else to offer for a refill.

(Wow, this is an extremely rare thumbs down from the Roger Ebert site. One star isn’t that crazy, but I can’t remember the last time we saw a real thumbs down. So … that’s exciting.)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3j6b_hevaoY/

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3j6b_hevaoY/

(It is a really weird idea … and after watching the film I still don’t really know what it is about. I thought it was about like … a Chaplin-esque guy, but that isn’t at all what the trailer seems to be. It seems more like a weirdo who looks like an actor ends up becoming one while not saying any lines? That might be it I suppose.)

Directors – Charlie Day – ( BMT: Fool’s Paradise; Notes: Legit the only thing he’s directed which is crazy. I would have thought he would have done a few It’s Always Sunny episodes at least before making a giant film with a thousand famous actors.)

Writers – Charlie Day – ( BMT: Fool’s Paradise; Notes: He grew up in Rhode Island and both his parents are musicians which maybe explains why his character on It’s Always Sunny is an amazing musician.)

Actors – Charlie Day – ( Known For: Pacific Rim; Horrible Bosses; Monsters University; The Lego Movie; The Super Mario Bros. Movie; Pacific Rim: Uprising; The Lego Movie 2: The Second Part; Going the Distance; Hotel Artemis; I Want You Back; The Hollars; I Love You, Daddy; How It Ends; A Quiet Little Marriage; Future BMT: Horrible Bosses 2; Vacation; Fist Fight; BMT: Fool’s Paradise; Notes: Majored in Art History and it is indicated he was mostly acting in bit parts and waiting tables when he pitched It’s Always Sunny with his costars.)

Ken Jeong – ( Known For: Avengers: Endgame; The Hangover; Despicable Me; Despicable Me 2; Knocked Up; Pineapple Express; Step Brothers; Role Models; Pain & Gain; Crazy Rich Asians; Turbo; The DUFF; Penguins of Madagascar; The Muppets; Boss Level; My Spy; Scoob!; Over the Moon; Lady and the Tramp; Goosebumps 2: Haunted Halloween; Future BMT: The Hangover Part II; Transformers: Dark of the Moon; The Hangover Part III; Couples Retreat; Vampires Suck; The Goods: Live Hard, Sell Hard; Wonder Park; Norm of the North; BMT: Zookeeper; Ride Along 2; All About Steve; Tom & Jerry; Big Mommas: Like Father, Like Son; Furry Vengeance; Fool’s Paradise; Notes: Famously a doctor who used to do comedy on the side and then once he got his big break (in Knocked Up maybe?) he quit being a doctor and started acting full time. Probably most notable for Community at this point.)

Kate Beckinsale – ( Known For: The Aviator; Contraband; Serendipity; Vacancy; Everybody’s Fine; Stonehearst Asylum; Much Ado About Nothing; Absolutely Anything; Nothing But the Truth; Jolt; Love & Friendship; Laurel Canyon; The Only Living Boy in New York; The Last Days of Disco; Snow Angels; Shooting Fish; Winged Creatures; Haunted; The Trials of Cate McCall; The Face of an Angel; Future BMT: Click; Underworld; Van Helsing; Total Recall; Underworld: Evolution; Underworld: Rise of the Lycans; Underworld: Awakening; Underworld: Blood Wars; Brokedown Palace; The Disappointments Room; BMT: Pearl Harbor; Whiteout; Tiptoes; Fool’s Paradise; Notes: British and both of her parents were British actors as well. Her father in particular was a television actor of some note who died at the very early age of 31. But he was, for example, in 17 episodes of Porridge which is quite a significant British comedy series of the 70s.)

Budget/Gross – N/A / Domestic: $855,173 (Worldwide: $881,743)

(Obviously catastrophic, but it was shelved for years and seems to have been pushed out in limited release just to get a little money and possibly for contractual reasons. I can’t think of another reason honestly.)

Rotten Tomatoes – 18% (8/45): Fool’s Paradise suggests Charlie Day may have a bright future as a director, but he’ll need to find smarter and more consistently funny scripts.

(Ah interesting. Well … he wrote it alone it would seem. But that is still interesting. I do hope he tries again, I think he is quite the talent and getting an interesting (musical?) film out of him would be fun.)

Reviewer Highlight: You’d need to be Blake Edwards to pull this off. One wishes Day had looked further afield than Hollywood for inspiration. – Nicolas Rapold, New York Times

Poster – Foooooool’s Paradise

(Seems like this is a take on a poster that I don’t get… or maybe it’s just whatever. Not sure. I like the yellow and red, though. Font is slightly better than bad. Overall, C. Some good, some bad.)

Tagline(s) – He’s ready for his close-up. (D)

(Huh. Well that’s not funny. I guess they are playing on the poster… his face it super close-up and he seems a bit scared? Don’t like it.)

Keyword(s) – Year 2023

Top 10: Oppenheimer (2023), Barbie (2023), Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 3 (2023), Spider-Man: Across the Spider-Verse (2023), John Wick: Chapter 4 (2023), Ant-Man and the Wasp: Quantumania (2023), The Super Mario Bros. Movie (2023), Dungeons & Dragons: Honor Among Thieves (2023), Mission: Impossible – Dead Reckoning Part One (2023), The Flash (2023)

Future BMT: 84.6 Winnie the Pooh: Blood and Honey (2023), 67.0 The Exorcist: Believer (2023), 48.0 Insidious: The Red Door (2023), 43.5 House Party (2023), 37.2 Paint (2023), 35.8 Freelance (2023), 31.6 The Machine (2023), 27.7 Love Again (2023), 24.9 Aquaman and the Lost Kingdom (2023), 20.9 The Marsh King’s Daughter (2023), 18.4 Nefarious (2023), 9.1 The Shift (2023), 9.1 Camp Hideout (2023), 8.8 Back on the Strip (2023), 8.3 Sweetwater (2023)

BMT: Meg 2: The Trench (2023), Expend4bles (2023), 65 (2023), Five Nights at Freddy’s (2023), Retribution (2023), Hypnotic (2023), Fool’s Paradise (2023), My Big Fat Greek Wedding 3 (2023), Mafia Mamma (2023), About My Father (2023), Haunted Mansion (2023), Fear (2023)

Best Options (Angels In the Outfield): 43.8 Fool’s Paradise (2023), 9.1 The Shift (2023), 9.1 Camp Hideout (2023)

(Yeah and this was really the only option sadly, those other ones are even less of movies than this one! Also you’d think with the expansive cast you’d get some awesome options coming off of it, but nope. We have a pretty solid idea for it, but still, not as good of a chain as you’d expect.)

Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 11) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Kate Beckinsale is No. 3 billed in Fool’s Paradise and No. 2 billed in Pearl Harbor, which also stars Josh Hartnett (No. 3 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 3 billed) => (3 + 2) + (3 + 3) = 11. There is no shorter path at the moment.

Notes – Filmed in 2018, this is one of Ray Liotta’s last films, before his death in 2022.

Charlie Day and Mary Elizabeth Ellis are married in real life, they also star together on It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia.

Of the main cast of It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia (2005) only Glenn Howerton appears. However multiple guest stars & recurring actors from the show appear in this film: Jason Sudeikis, Mary Elizabeth Ellis, Artemis Pebdani, Leonora Pitts, Jimmi Simpson, Lance Barber, Andrew Leeds, Julia Cho, Alanna Ubach, David Hornsby, Lisa Schwartz, Peter Mackenzie, Christine Horn & Christopher Macken.

Charlie Day’s character is named Latte Pronto. In ‘It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia’, in Season 1 Episode 1 around 12:30, Charlie Day is seated at a restaurant and there is a sign with ‘Pronto’ written on it in the background.

Fear (2023) Preview

Jamie and Patrick look around them. They are no longer in the Antiquities Room. They don’t appear to be in a room at all. Instead it seems they’ve been transported to a dark, mysterious labyrinth. Screams of terror and pain (or is it pleasure?) surround them. They look forwards and then back, but the maze looks identical no matter where they look. “Should we just start…” Jamie begins but stops. A figure has appeared in front of them. They nervously turn back the other direction and… uh oh, another figure has appeared there as well. Jamie squits and after a moment of recognition his face turns bright. “Demon #1, my love, how are you?” he says to the first demon, who appears to be a nerdy lawyer he could grow old with. “And Demon #2, my darling, still having trouble with the truth?” he says, turning to the second demon, who is a sultry minx that Jamie could love, even though he knows she’d be bad for him. “Your hunky, muscle-bound guys have return,” he finishes with a debonair flourish. The demons appear to be taken aback. It looks like they want to says something to Jamie, but it’s hard to tell if they can talk. What would happen if they opened their mouths? Patrick doesn’t want to find out. They approach and Patrick readies a patented Twin Chop, but instead of sucking them into an otherworldly dimension they each grab one of Jamie’s arms and begin to coo in a loving and very disturbing way. They begin to pull Jamie through a side entrance in the maze (“Was that there the whole time?”, Jamie wonders). “They want us to go this way,” Jamie calls over his shoulder cheerily. Despite his intense fear, Patrick quickly follows the trio. That’s right! We are indeed watching Fear, a long delayed horror film made in the pandemic. By all accounts this delay made for a strange and very bad film. It’s a wonder they took it wide the theaters at all. Why not just dump it somewhere? Time to find out. Let’s go!

Fear (2023) – BMeTric: 26.0; Notability: 15

StreetCreditReport.com – BMeTric: top 16.8%; Notability: top 12.4%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 6.3%; Higher BMeT: Expend4bles, The Exorcist: Believer, Meg 2: The Trench, The Black Demon, Knights of the Zodiac, Pet Sematary: Bloodlines, 65, The Ritual Killer, Five Nights at Freddy’s, The Out-Laws, Insidious: The Red Door, Best. Christmas. Ever!, White Men Can’t Jump, Maybe I Do, Retribution, Hypnotic, In the Fire, House Party, Fool’s Paradise, Heart of Stone, and 22 more; Higher Notability: Fool’s Paradise, Ghosted, Expend4bles, House Party, Haunted Mansion, Heart of Stone, The Out-Laws, Meg 2: The Trench, Old Dads, My Big Fat Greek Wedding 3, 65, Your Place or Mine, Vacation Friends 2, White Men Can’t Jump, The Exorcist: Believer, About My Father, Insidious: The Red Door, Pain Hustlers, Love Again, Genie, and 11 more; Lower RT: Confidential Informant, The Ritual Killer, 57 Seconds, Assassin Club, Expend4bles, In the Fire, On a Wing and a Prayer, Fool’s Paradise, The Tutor, Vacation Friends 2, Robots, The Out-Laws, Knights of the Zodiac; Notes: This movie is quite perplexing. In reality we should have done Five Nights at Freddy’s though. Bigger deal, and an actual horror film. We’ll get that back though.

Richard Roeper – 3 stars – It’s the perfect storm for the group to start turning on one another, even as the supernatural elements boil and bubble to the surface, and the blood starts to spill. Way to pick a vacation destination, Rom. What, the Overlook Hotel was booked?

(Amazing. He actually mostly says that the film revels in its unoriginality and he kind of respects it for that. Ridiculous as that might sound.)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s2znvShl2GM/

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s2znvShl2GM/

(Yeah … this looks horrible. They shouldn’t have shown the terrible death effect. Because it looks dumb and they should have hidden that from the audience for as long as possible.)

Directors – Deon Taylor – ( Known For: Black and Blue; Fatale; Chain Letter; Supremacy; Dead Tone; The House Next Door: Meet the Blacks 2; Nite Tales: The Movie; Future BMT: Meet the Blacks; Traffik; BMT: The Intruder; Fear; Notes: Has a few upcoming projects including one called All-Star Weekend which has the description of “Two buddies form a rivalry over their favorite American basketball player,” which sounds ludicrous.)

Writers – John Ferry – (BMT: Fear; Notes: Basically he appears to be a production assistant for at first Trank (on Chronicle) and now Taylor, and this is the first film he got a credit for writing with him.)

Deon Taylor – ( Known For: Nite Tales: The Movie; Future BMT: Meet the Blacks; Traffik; BMT: Fear; Notes: Writes a lot of the films he directs. Also produces them as well, so he is kind of a younger Tyler Perry in a way.)

Actors – Joseph Sikora – ( Known For: Shutter Island; Jack Reacher; My Best Friend’s Wedding; Ghost World; Charlie Wilson’s War; Safe; Trust; Night Skies; BMT: The Watcher; The Intruder; Fear; Notes: He’s older than I would have thought, 47 years old. To the point where he had a whole other acting life as a bit part acting in major films. He was in over 60 episodes of a tv show called Power recently, and does a lot of television.)

Andrew Bachelor – ( Known For: Greenland; To All the Boys I’ve Loved Before; The Babysitter; Holidate; When We First Met; The Babysitter: Killer Queen; Game Over, Man!; Vacation Friends; Rim of the World; Coffee & Kareem; The F**k-It List; Airplane Mode; Love, Weddings & Other Disasters; Where’s the Money; The House Next Door: Meet the Blacks 2; National Champions; Family Switch; Future BMT: We Are Your Friends; Meet the Blacks; BMT: Fifty Shades of Black; Fear; Notes: Known as King Bach apparently. Was a world class high jumper in college, and also holds (and will forever hold) the record for most followers on Vine at 15 million which is how his career started.)

Annie Ilonzeh – ( Known For: Percy Jackson: Şimşek Hırsızı; Erkekler Ne Söyler Kadınlar Ne Anlar; Agent Game; Til Death Do Us Part; Future BMT: İntikam Meleği; All Eyez on Me; BMT: Miss March; Fear; Notes: Primarily she was a decently long running actor on Chicago Fire appearing in 42 episodes of that show.)

Budget/Gross – N/A / Domestic: $2,090,261 (Worldwide: $2,090,261)

(Yeah quite terrible. My guess is the movie cost around $5 million to make. I don’t think it is possible to really make even a low budget horror fit for wide release for less. Just the cameras and salaries probably get over the $1 million you’d need to have this be profitable.)

Rotten Tomatoes – 21% (4/19)

(I can’t believe this has this high of a rating. If I were to make a consensus it would be: Lazy in its metaphors for the pandemic, lazy in its oscillation between various horror sub-genres, and lazy in its concept. Yet the biggest crime is it isn’t scary.)

Reviewer Highlight: It is frustrating to watch Fear carelessly oscillate between creature feature, haunted house movie, and folk horror. – Matthew Monagle, Austin Chronicle

Poster – Fear Leads to Anger

(Ha. I mean it looks cool. But I don’t understand the question mark. Is the film called “Fear?” I didn’t think so. Like the yellow but neads better font. C-.)

Tagline(s) – Your Mind is the Trap (C+)

(I guess this is intriguing. Like… the horror film where your mind is used against you. You think a murderer is trapping you but you are trapping yourself. Again, it’s a cool concept, like the post is cool looking, but it doesn’t work completely.)

Keyword(s) – Year 2023

Future BMT: 84.2 Winnie the Pooh: Blood and Honey (2023), 63.3 The Exorcist: Believer (2023), 49.8 Five Nights at Freddy’s (2023), 47.8 Insidious: The Red Door (2023), 43.2 House Party (2023), 41.9 Fool’s Paradise (2023), 37.6 My Big Fat Greek Wedding 3 (2023), 36.7 Paint (2023), 31.3 The Machine (2023), 28.0 Haunted Mansion (2023), 27.2 Love Again (2023), 18.3 Nefarious (2023), 15.7 Freelance (2023), 14.3 The Marsh King’s Daughter (2023), 8.4 Camp Hideout (2023), 8.1 Sweetwater (2023), 6.0 Back on the Strip (2023)

BMT: Expend4bles (2023), Meg 2: The Trench (2023), 65 (2023), Retribution (2023), Hypnotic (2023), Mafia Mamma (2023), About My Father (2023), Fear (2023)

Best Options (Horror): 84.2 Winnie the Pooh: Blood and Honey (2023), 63.3 The Exorcist: Believer (2023), 49.8 Five Nights at Freddy’s (2023), 47.8 Insidious: The Red Door (2023), 26.4 Fear (2023), 18.3 Nefarious (2023)

(Do not fear (get it?) we will be watching The Exorcist: Believer. And also do not fear (get it?) we’ll NEVER watch Winnie the Pooh: Blood and Honey. Ever. I refuse.)

Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 21) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Joseph Sikora is No. 1 billed in Fear and No. 2 billed in The Intruder, which also stars Meagan Good (No. 3 billed) who is in The Love Guru (No. 5 billed) which also stars Jessica Alba (No. 2 billed) who is in Mechanic: Resurrection (No. 2 billed) which also stars Jason Statham (No. 1 billed) who is in In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale (No. 1 billed) which also stars Leelee Sobieski (No. 3 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 1 billed) => (1 + 2) + (3 + 5) + (2 + 2) + (1 + 1) + (3 + 1) = 21. If we were to watch Underworld: Awakening we can get the HoE Number down to 16.

Notes – Terrance Jenkins was the host of 106 and Park and his hotel room was 106

Hypnotic Preview

Jamie and Patrick shield their eyes as they get off the airplane. It’s hot on the tarmac under the Tuscan sun. It’s been ages since their mother moved to Tuscany to take over the family’s failing olive oil business and things appear to have turned around. “Things have turned around,” their mother’s valet confirms and takes their bags to a waiting stretch hummer. “All this from olive oil?” Jamie whispers as they turn a corner and espy the family’s newly restored Tuscan manor. Patrick is skeptical… and increasingly concerned. For several minutes they wait in the foyer and both look with a smile as the door at the top of the stairs opens up. But rather than their mother they find themselves staring at Luigi, the company’s former manager. “What are you doing here?” Patrick asks in disgust. Everyone knew that Luigi’s corruption was what got the company into dire straits in the first place. A brief grimace crosses Luigi’s face before being replaced by a smile. “I guess you were too busy with your bald movie thing to hear that your mother hired me back when she realized that she needed someone around who knew olive oil.” Jamie turns beet red and gets right up into Luigi’s face. “You know it’s BAD movies, not BALD movies. We’re not idiots. You’re an idiot.” Luigi smiles and nods in acquiescence. “Your mother will be back shortly,” Luigi assures them and shuttles them into an adjacent room. “Why don’t you preoccupy yourself with the Antiquities Room while you wait,” and with that he leaves. Patrick looks around at the treasures that surround them. “We shouldn’t touch anything until we…” he begins, but when he looks over at Jamie he is staring intently at a Puzzle Box. Suddenly Patrick feels very tired. That’s right! We are watching the Ben Affleck classic Hypnotic… you know, the film that everyone knew about. Definitely totally normal that this film never got a DVD release… don’t even worry about it. Let’s go!

Hypnotic (2023) – BMeTric: 45.0; Notability: 19

StreetCreditReport.com – BMeTric: top 5.6%; Notability: top 8.0%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 15.2%; Higher BMeT: Expend4bles, The Exorcist: Believer, Meg 2: The Trench, The Black Demon, Knights of the Zodiac, 65, Pet Sematary: Bloodlines, The Ritual Killer, Five Nights at Freddy’s, The Out-Laws, Insidious: The Red Door, White Men Can’t Jump, Maybe I Do, Retribution; Higher Notability: Fool’s Paradise, Ghosted, Expend4bles, Haunted Mansion, Heart of Stone, The Out-Laws, Old Dads, Meg 2: The Trench, My Big Fat Greek Wedding 3, Foe, 65, Your Place or Mine, White Men Can’t Jump, The Exorcist: Believer, About My Father, Pain Hustlers, Dashing Through the Snow, Insidious: The Red Door, Love Again, Genie; Lower RT: Freelance, The Ritual Killer, 57 Seconds, Assassin Club, Expend4bles, Fool’s Paradise, The Out-Laws, Knights of the Zodiac, Mafia Mamma, The Good Mother, The Exorcist: Believer, Pet Sematary: Bloodlines, Pain Hustlers, Foe, God Is a Bullet, Finestkind, Ghosted, White Men Can’t Jump, Love Again, Meg 2: The Trench, and 12 more; Notes: Given how much money Five Nights at Freddy’s made I’m shocked that it would have a relatively high BMeTric. Like I get it is popular, but shouldn’t the fans who seem to like it a lot and “get it” be driving the rating up? The movies we are getting this time around have such low Notability. Maybe it is a pandemic thing. A way to reduce the number of people on set at any given time. Plausible.

RogerEbert.com – 2.5 stars – There’s a lot of empty space in “Hypnotic,” a doofy, though never boring sci-fi thriller about a Texas cop, played by Ben Affleck, who stumbles upon a conspiracy of mind-controlling crooks. Or he seems to stumble upon them. Reality buckles and warps around our troubled hero, whose daughter has already gone missing before the movie starts.

(And oh yeah, spoiler alert, all that is bullshit and he is himself a mind controlling crook and the entire movie is just twist after twist until you realize that there is basically no moment of the film in which you are watching the 100% god’s honest truth. Great.)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XAwpu4rQpeQ/

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XAwpu4rQpeQ/

(The reviews pretty much call it a poor man’s Inception which is exactly what it looks like. The effects looks okay. Fichtner on the other hand…)

Directors – Robert Rodriguez – ( Known For: Sin City; From Dusk Till Dawn; Alita: Battle Angel; Grindhouse; The Faculty; Spy Kids; Desperado; Planet Terror; Sin City: A Dame to Kill For; Machete; Spy Kids 3: Game Over; Spy Kids: Armageddon; Spy Kids 2: Island of Lost Dreams; Four Rooms; Once Upon a Time in Mexico; We Can Be Heroes; Mimic; El Mariachi; Shorts; Red 11; Future BMT: Spy Kids 4: All the Time in the World; Machete Kills; The Adventures of Sharkboy and Lavagirl 3-D; BMT: Hypnotic; Notes: Wow, our first official Rodriquez, although he have very few surprisingly. I have actually seen Machete Kills though, it is awful.)

Writers – Robert Rodriguez – ( Known For: Sin City; Grindhouse; Spy Kids; Desperado; Planet Terror; Machete; Spy Kids 3: Game Over; Spy Kids: Armageddon; Spy Kids 2: Island of Lost Dreams; Four Rooms; Once Upon a Time in Mexico; We Can Be Heroes; El Mariachi; Shorts; Red 11; Future BMT: Spy Kids 4: All the Time in the World; Machete Kills; The Adventures of Sharkboy and Lavagirl 3-D; UglyDolls; BMT: Hypnotic; Notes: Long time friend of Quentin Tarantino as they both broke into the business with low budget indies around the same time. This film has one son as producer, and another composed the music, they are becoming family affairs.)

Max Borenstein – ( Known For: Kong: Skull Island; Godzilla; Godzilla vs. Kong; Godzilla: King of the Monsters; Worth; BMT: Hypnotic; Notes: He wrote and created the Laker show which was just unceremoniously dumped by HBO a few months ago without resolution.)

Actors – Ben Affleck – ( Known For: The Flash; The Last Duel; Gone Girl; Dazed and Confused; Triple Frontier; Good Will Hunting; Air; Deep Water; The Accountant; Zack Snyder’s Justice League; The Town; Argo; Dogma; Field of Dreams; State of Play; Shakespeare in Love; He’s Just Not That Into You; Daredevil; School Ties; The Sum of All Fears; Future BMT: Surviving Christmas; Buffy the Vampire Slayer; Smokin’ Aces; Live by Night; 200 Cigarettes; BMT: Hypnotic; Suicide Squad; Armageddon; Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice; Justice League; Pearl Harbor; Reindeer Games; Paycheck; Gigli; Phantoms; Runner Runner; Notes: He’s had a bit of a renaissance after going through marital, alcohol-related, and being-too-jacked troubles over the past decade. Has a famously bad tattoo, and was shaped like a triangle in Air and looked ridiculous. I’m happy to report he looks like a normally proportioned human being in this film. It is nuts what being Batman can do to a man.)

Alice Braga – ( Known For: The Suicide Squad; City of God; Soul; I Am Legend; Predators; Elysium; On the Road; Blindness; Crossing Over; The Duel; Lower City; Redbelt; Kill Me Three Times; Journey to the End of the Night; O Cheiro do Ralo; Sólo Dios sabe; City of God: 10 Years Later; Ardor; Latitudes; Future BMT: The New Mutants; The Shack; BMT: Hypnotic; The Rite; Repo Men; Notes: Her mother and aunt were in Kiss of the Spider Woman and she was a kid actress via them before braking out herself.)

JD Pardo – ( Known For: F9: The Fast Saga; The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 2; The Contractor; Snitch; Havoc; The Burning Plain; Future BMT: A Cinderella Story; BMT: Hypnotic; Supercross; Notes: Played Dom Toretto’s father in flashbacks in F9. I have not seen the later Fast and Furious films. I can’t bring myself to do it.)

Budget/Gross – $65 million / Domestic: $4,500,169 (Worldwide: $15,697,752)

(I don’t believe that budget. I just don’t. There is nothing in this film which suggests it needs to or did cost this much. That is absurd.)

Rotten Tomatoes – 32% (36/113): Although Hypnotic isn’t without glimmers of inspiration, the ultimate effect of this often clunky crime caper will be to leave you feeling rather sleepy.

(Yes, I 100% agree with this. The issue is that there are interesting bits and bobs, but you know you are watching bullshit and it makes you sleepy. Nailed it.)

Reviewer Highlight: The reality is that, not unlike an Escher painting, the damn thing keeps tying itself into knots. This isn’t the mesmerizing neuro-noir you want it to be. It’s closer to Inception for Dummies. – David Fear, Rolling Stone

Poster – HypNoTic

(Nolan-ing it up, are we, Rodriguez? Kind of bland. Hate the font. Unexpected D grade poster.)

Tagline(s) – Control is an illusion. (D)

(Ah well, they tried. Not clever, not interesting, not even sure it makes a huge amount of sense in context.)

Keyword(s) – Year 2023

Future BMT: 84.2 Winnie the Pooh: Blood and Honey (2023), 63.2 The Exorcist: Believer (2023), 49.8 Five Nights at Freddy’s (2023), 47.8 Insidious: The Red Door (2023), 41.6 Fool’s Paradise (2023), 37.4 My Big Fat Greek Wedding 3 (2023), 31.2 The Machine (2023), 27.9 Haunted Mansion (2023), 27.1 Love Again (2023), 18.3 Nefarious (2023), 15.6 Freelance (2023), 12.4 The Marsh King’s Daughter (2023)

BMT: Expend4bles (2023), Meg 2: The Trench (2023), 65 (2023), Retribution (2023), Hypnotic (2023), Mafia Mamma (2023), About My Father (2023)

Best Options (Action): 44.8 Hypnotic (2023), 31.2 The Machine (2023), 15.6 Freelance (2023)

(Freelance came out of nowhere. I hadn’t even heard of it. I’m a little skeptical it actually qualified. But I guess Box Office Mojo doesn’t just make up wide release films (quite the opposite actually))

Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 8) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Ben Affleck is No. 1 billed in Hypnotic and No. 1 billed in Pearl Harbor, which also stars Josh Hartnett (No. 3 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 3 billed) => (1 + 1) + (3 + 3) = 8. There is no shorter path at the moment.

Notes – Robert Rodriguez had written the initial screenplay for Hypnotic back in 2002, calling it one of his favorite stories.

The joke that the security guard tells his partner, about the man betting a bartender he can pee in a glass, is also featured in Robert Rodriguez’s earlier film ‘Desperado’ in which it was delivered by Quentin Tarantino.

In April 2022, Rodriguez confirmed that, similar to his previous films, he and his family members collaborated on the project. His son Rebel Rodriguez (full-time composer), Racer Max (co-writer/producer), Sid Rodriguez (special effects technician) daughter Rhiannon (storyboards) and his other son (Rocket) is doing the editing with Rodriguez.

Originally scheduled to be filmed in Los Angeles and throughout California in 2020, all locations were scouted and sets were built at Santa Clarita Studios when the Covid shutdown halted production and did not resume until the following year in Texas.

The first film directed by Robert Rodriguez to be primarily filmed in the anamorphic format. He previously used the format on The Mandalorian and The Book of Boba Fett.

Mafia Mamma Preview

Moments later Jamie and Patrick leave the family ski chalet. Clifford bids them adieu and despite his stuffy demeanor he gives both of them a warm hug. “Be good,” he tells them and reminds them of what their father said before he hopped in his helicopter. Before they can get back in their car and head to the airport Clifford stops them and insists that they take the second helicopter.

A short time later they are back in New York City, their cable knit sweaters itching like a couple of old friends. “I feel inspired,” Patrick says, contemplating the next entry in the Platonics Solids series (book #3). “Me too,” Jamie says, contemplating the next entry in his series of rock hard abs (ab #7 and #8). “Me three,” Kyle says, contemplating the final entry on Sexy Mannequin Times (entry #1,706). “You guys are coming back, right?” Kyle asks. Ever since Jamie and Patrick returned to the city he had assumed from their sunny demeanor that BMT was back on and the status quo would be restored. They give each other a look and say “Welllll…” in unison. You see, they explain to Kyle, while they were in their memory trance they had a full conversation with their father. They explained how they tried to be good movie twins, but then tried to be Good Movie Twins, then they accepted that they were bad movie twins, apologized for that, and needed his help to know if they should go back to being Bad Movie Twins. “And in the end he bestowed on us some very wise words,” Jamie concludes. Kyle is entranced, “What was it? What were the very wise words?!” Jamie shrugs and smiles, “He said to ask our mother,” and with that they departed for the airport. That’s right! We are going from About my Father to Mafia Mamma. It’s another old school comedy helmed by Toni Collette. Don’t worry if you haven’t heard of it… we barely knew what it was either. Let’s go!

Mafia Mamma (2023) – BMeTric: 36.9; Notability: 15

StreetCreditReport.com – StreetCreditReport.com – BMeTric: top 8.4%; Notability: top 12.0%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 3.8%; Higher BMeT: Expend4bles, The Exorcist: Believer, Meg 2: The Trench, Knights of the Zodiac, 65, Pet Sematary: Bloodlines, The Ritual Killer, Five Nights at Freddy’s, The Out-Laws, Insidious: The Red Door, Maybe I Do, Retribution, Hypnotic, Best. Christmas. Ever!, Heart of Stone, Fool’s Paradise, Beautiful Disaster, Your Place or Mine, Locked In, Ghosted, and 1 more; Higher Notability: Fool’s Paradise, Ghosted, Expend4bles, Haunted Mansion, Heart of Stone, The Out-Laws, Old Dads, Foe, Meg 2: The Trench, My Big Fat Greek Wedding 3, 65, Your Place or Mine, The Exorcist: Believer, About My Father, Pain Hustlers, Dashing Through the Snow, Insidious: The Red Door, One True Loves, Love Again, Genie, and 10 more; Lower RT: Freelance, The Ritual Killer, 57 Seconds, Assassin Club, Expend4bles, Fool’s Paradise, The Out-Laws, Knights of the Zodiac; Notes: Huh, the BMeTric bit was broken for a bit there, but it is back. Most of those films, naturally, are not wide release. Which is an annoying trend. The Notability is shockingly low, but that also feels like an M.O. of modern filmmaking where everything feels empty and slight.

RogerEbert.com – 1.5 stars – “Mafia Mamma” plays like nothing more than an excuse for Collette, Hardwicke, and company to vacation in Italy. But the audience isn’t even granted a trip worth remembering. Viewers searching for a virtual escape to Italy are better off sticking with Kristin’s beloved Stanley Tucci food show. At least that series aims for an authentic appreciation of the culture.

(I don’t mind just making a film for a location. But I do mind it being boring. And this film seems like a one way trip to boring town.)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4H5pIOz1cOM/

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4H5pIOz1cOM/

(Seems actually weirdly funny. But yeah, also seems like an excuse for Toni Collete to hang in Italy and get paid. Get yo money.)

Directors – Catherine Hardwicke – ( Known For: Twilight; Thirteen; Lords of Dogtown; Prisoner’s Daughter; SubUrbia; Miss You Already; Tell It Like a Woman; Plush; Future BMT: The Nativity Story; Miss Bala; BMT: Mafia Mamma; Red Riding Hood; Notes: An inspiring story, didn’t end up directing her first feature until she was 48 years old.)

Writers – Amanda Sthers – ( Known For: Madame; Promises; Holy Lands; BMT: Mafia Mamma; Notes: French, and Madame also stars Toni Collete, so they have something going.)

J. Michael Feldman – ( BMT: Mafia Mamma; Notes: Writes a lot of random episodes for television, like Not Dead Yet.)

Debbie Jhoon – ( BMT: Mafia Mamma; Notes: I think her and Feldman might be writing partners.)

Actors – Toni Collette – ( Known For: Hereditary; Knives Out; The Sixth Sense; Ruby Gillman: Teenage Kraken; Nightmare Alley; Krampus; Little Miss Sunshine; I’m Thinking of Ending Things; About a Boy; The Hours; The Way Way Back; Fright Night; The Estate; Velvet Buzzsaw; xXx: Return of Xander Cage; Emma; Velvet Goldmine; Muriel’s Wedding; Mary and Max; Stowaway; Future BMT: How to Lose Friends & Alienate People; The Night Listener; BMT: Mafia Mamma; Tammy; Evening; Notes: Nominated for an Oscar for The Sixth Sense (I don’t remember that…). She is Australian which I also didn’t know.)

Monica Bellucci – ( Known For: Bram Stoker’s Dracula; Malena; Irreversible; Spectre; The Passion of the Christ; The Matrix Reloaded; Brotherhood of the Wolf; Shoot ‘Em Up; Asterix & Obelix: Mission Cleopatra; The Apartment; How Much Do You Love Me?; The Whistleblower; Under Suspicion; The Private Lives of Pippa Lee; Don’t Look Back; Spider in the Web; The Raffle; She Hate Me; Nekrotronic; The Man Who Sold His Skin; Future BMT: The Matrix Revolutions; Tears of the Sun; The Brothers Grimm; The Sorcerer’s Apprentice; BMT: Memory; Mafia Mamma; Notes: Italian obviously. Was a model prior to making her acting debut. Was married to Vincent Cassel for quite a while.)

Sophia Nomvete – ( BMT: Mafia Mamma; Notes: Very much most notable for Rings of Power. She was a fun character in that.)

Budget/Gross – N/A / Domestic: $3,496,761 (Worldwide: $6,120,609)

(A little unclear but there is no way this made money in reality. They couldn’t have made this for less than $10 million.)

Rotten Tomatoes – 21% (22/104): Riddled with stereotypes, fatally unfunny, and a total tonal mishmash, Mafia Mamma is a criminal waste of Toni Collette.

(Fatally unfunny is a great lines and 100% true. Almost makes me more excited … what is wrong with me?)

Reviewer Highlight: “Mafia Mamma” is so wincingly awful it makes you question the professional bona fides of everyone who had a hand in greenlighting its existence. – Jeannette Catsoulis, The New York Times

Poster – Mob Mom

(I like the color and the font could have been boring, but they spiced it up. I guess it feels a little busy and stylistically simple. But not bad. B.)

Tagline(s) – From suburban mom to mafia Don. (A-)

(Yes, yes, yes. A bit of a half rhyme, but I’m still digging it. Tells you what’s going on with a little juxtaposition.)

Keyword(s) – Year 2023

Future BMT: 84.2 Winnie the Pooh: Blood and Honey (2023), 63.2 The Exorcist: Believer (2023), 49.8 Five Nights at Freddy’s (2023), 47.8 Insidious: The Red Door (2023), 44.8 Hypnotic (2023), 41.6 Fool’s Paradise (2023), 37.4 My Big Fat Greek Wedding 3 (2023), 31.2 The Machine (2023), 27.9 Haunted Mansion (2023), 27.1 Love Again (2023), 18.3 Nefarious (2023), 15.6 Freelance (2023), 12.4 The Marsh King’s Daughter (2023)

BMT: Expend4bles (2023), Meg 2: The Trench (2023), 65 (2023), Retribution (2023)

Best Options (Comedy): 41.6 Fool’s Paradise (2023), 37.4 My Big Fat Greek Wedding 3 (2023), 36.9 Mafia Mamma (2023), 31.2 The Machine (2023), 27.9 Haunted Mansion (2023), 27.1 Love Again (2023), 15.6 Freelance (2023)

(Fool’s Paradise is coming I think, and so is My Big Fat Greek Wedding 3. So we’re hitting up all the big guys as far as Comedies this year.)

Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 21) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Monica Bellucci is No. 2 billed in Mafia Mamma and No. 5 billed in Memory, which also stars Guy Pearce (No. 2 billed) who is in Justice (No. 3 billed) which also stars Nicolas Cage (No. 1 billed) who is in The Wicker Man (No. 1 billed) which also stars Leelee Sobieski (No. 6 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 1 billed) => (2 + 5) + (2 + 3) + (1 + 1) + (6 + 1) = 21. If we were to watch The Night Listener, Jack, and The Glass House we can get the HoE Number down to 11.

Notes – In The Godfather (1975), oranges are displayed to foreshadow a death. It happens in this movie as well during the funeral procession and later on with “orange” muffins.

The time difference between Portland and Italy allows Kristin to be speaking with her son late afternoon while he is getting ready for his morning classes.

In the preview, Dante turns on one light, then another when Kirstin says “I’m still in the dark”. In the movie, this scene is cut.

Arthur (2011) Preview

September 1st, 1992

Jamie and Patrick are looking bodacious. Pants? Lycra. Shirt? Absent. Tips? Frosted. Their summer had been spent watching Tango & Cash on repeat as research for a ‘zine idea they had brewing. Rumor on the block was ‘zines were the next big thing. Their dad had one word of advice for them as they navigate this crazy thing we call life: “The rumor around my block is natuuuure.” With that he swept his arm in the general direction of a nearby mountain and called it ‘nature’s movie.’ Despite this being wrong (Nature’s movie is Ewoks: The Battle for Endor) they venture forth and soon find themselves scaling the rocky crags of Mt. Mountain. “Maybe our ‘zine can be about mountains… in movies. Movie Mountains? Is that something?” Jamie asks as he swings himself from one rocky outcrop to another. “But why would someone want to read what we say about Movie Mountains?” Patrick ponders. Just as he’s going to suggest Bad Movie Mountains, though, they are buzzed by a remote control airplane. They look far below them and see a bunch of middle schoolers laughing as they dive bomb them in increasingly dangerous fashion. “Sacre bleu!” Jamie says, using one of his more famous catchphrases. “We’re trapped,” Patrick says, gritting his teeth in rage, “Like Perret trapped Tango and Cash… a couple mice in a maze.” They look at each other in despair. They are far too young to have any patented Twin Memories to harken back to for a solution. This looks like a very early end for the Bad Movie Twins. Suddenly they hear a faint voice “the rumor around my block is natuuuure.” Patrick’s eyes widen. Jamie simply whispers “Coolz.” With that their eyes glaze over and they enter a patented Arthur Memory. That’s right! We are completing the Arthur circle by watching the 2011 remake of the comedy classic starring Russel Brand and Best Director nominee Greta Gerwig (but not for this… she didn’t direct 2011’s Arthur). Talk about two people whose careers are going in two different directions. We are pairing it with Replicant starring JCVD. This film will complete the second leg of the “JCVD plays dual roles” trilogy, leaving just Maximum Risk. Let’s go!

Arthur (2011) – BMeTric: 41.9; Notability: 52

StreetCreditReport.com – BMeTric: top 16.4%; Notability: top 10.0%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 22.1%; Higher BMeT: Jack and Jill, The Human Centipede 2 (Full Sequence), Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance, Spy Kids 4: All the Time in the World, Shark Night, Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked, Big Mommas: Like Father, Like Son, Bucky Larson: Born to Be a Star, The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1, The Roommate, The Darkest Hour, Hellraiser: Revelations, Conan the Barbarian, Abduction, Hoodwinked Too! Hood vs. Evil, Zookeeper, Apollo 18, I Don’t Know How She Does It, Twixt, The Dilemma, and 21 more; Higher Notability: Transformers: Dark of the Moon, Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides, Green Lantern, The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1, Cars 2, New Year’s Eve, The Smurfs, Hop, Red Riding Hood, Your Highness, Jack and Jill, Battle Los Angeles, The Hangover Part II, Sucker Punch, Hoodwinked Too! Hood vs. Evil, I Am Number Four, Larry Crowne, In Time, Johnny English Reborn, Season of the Witch, and 5 more; Lower RT: Hellraiser: Revelations, You May Not Kiss the Bride, Jack and Jill, Bucky Larson: Born to Be a Star, The Roommate, A Little Bit of Heaven, Hick, Abduction, Big Mommas: Like Father, Like Son, Dream House, New Year’s Eve, Trespass, Honey 2, Red Riding Hood, Season of the Witch, Hoodwinked Too! Hood vs. Evil, The Darkest Hour, Atlas Shrugged: Part I, Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked, The Moth Diaries, and 33 more; Notes: Kind of amusing how few of those top BMeT films I’ve seen. We’ve seen 12 of the 20 listed there, which is pretty good, but only two in the top 5, so we are somehow leaving some heavy hitters. Although, 2011 is an incredible bad movie year I believe, one of the best, so perhaps it is impossible to watch enough bad movies to seem impressive.

RogerEbert.com – 3.0 stars – The thing about Moore, who people persisted in calling “Cuddly Dudley” although he hated it, is that he was just plain lovable. The thing about Russell Brand is that he isn’t, not much, and he should get credit here for at least being a good deal more likable than he usually chooses to seem. He plays the alcoholic zillionaire Arthur Bach as a man who wants to party with the world and pick up the check.

(Yes, this was my impression as well. The less the said about Russell Brand the better at the moment, but his high pitched affectation and general antics in this film do seem reasonably charming. Surprisingly so.)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XoJN7k1BMYg/

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XoJN7k1BMYg/

(Jesus the overused Rebel Rebel riff and then All Night Long and then Pressure!! The trailer almost comes across as a parody and just seems sad.)

Directors – Jason Winer – ( Known For: Ode to Joy; BMT: Arthur; Notes: Won an Emmy for Modern Family which is produced in addition to directing multiple episodes. HE is directing The Santa Clauses at the moment.)

Writers – Peter Baynham – ( Known For: Hotel Transylvania; Borat; Borat Subsequent Moviefilm; Brüno; Ron’s Gone Wrong; Alan Partridge; Arthur Christmas; Future BMT: The Brothers Grimsby; BMT: Arthur; Notes: Probably British considering he appears to work very closely with Sasha Baron Cohen and Steve Coogan on their projects. Nominated for 2 Oscars for the Borat films.)

Steve Gordon – ( Known For: Arthur; The One and Only; BMT: Arthur; Arthur 2: On the Rocks; Notes: Died in 1982, between the two Arthur films, he wrote the original Arthur for which he was nominated for an Oscar.)

Actors – Russell Brand – ( Known For: Death on the Nile; Forgetting Sarah Marshall; Trolls; Despicable Me; Minions: The Rise of Gru; Despicable Me 2; Rock of Ages; Get Him to the Greek; Penelope; St. Trinian’s; Catherine Called Birdy; Army of One; The Tempest; Four Kids and It; Paradise; The Fight; Future BMT: Bedtime Stories; Hop; BMT: Arthur; Notes: Yeah no, I ain’t falling for this trap. He is currently notably under investigation for sexual assault, some of the allegations coming from the set of this specific film.)

Helen Mirren – ( Known For: Barbie; Fast X; Golda; Shazam! Fury of the Gods; Caligula; F9: The Fast Saga; The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy; The Prince of Egypt; Excalibur; Fast & Furious Presents: Hobbs & Shaw; RED; State of Play; Age of Consent; The Fate of the Furious; Woman in Gold; The Pledge; Monsters University; The Cook, the Thief, His Wife & Her Lover; Gosford Park; 2010: The Year We Make Contact; Future BMT: Anna; Winchester; Inkheart; National Treasure: Book of Secrets; The Nutcracker and the Four Realms; Collateral Beauty; Raising Helen; Teaching Mrs. Tingle; BMT: Arthur; Notes: Won and Oscar for The Queen and is in general a national British treasure. She was nominated for three other Oscars as well for The Madness of King George, Gosford Park, and The Last Station.)

Jennifer Garner – ( Known For: Catch Me If You Can; Juno; 13 Going on 30; The Adam Project; Dallas Buyers Club; Daredevil; Love, Simon; Draft Day; The Kingdom; The Invention of Lying; Miracles from Heaven; Yes Day; Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day; Deconstructing Harry; Butter; Danny Collins; Wakefield; The Tribes of Palos Verdes; A Happening of Monumental Proportions; Washington Square; Future BMT: Peppermint; Dude, Where’s My Car?; Men, Women & Children; The Odd Life of Timothy Green; Wonder Park; Catch and Release; Mr. Magoo; BMT: Pearl Harbor; Mother’s Day; Valentine’s Day; Ghosts of Girlfriends Past; Elektra; Arthur; Nine Lives; Notes: Nominated for four Emmy for Alias, but she never won. Was married to Ben Affleck for a time.)

Budget/Gross – $40,000,000 / Domestic: $33,035,397 (Worldwide: $48,147,945)

(That ain’t great. You want more than that. But I also can’t imagine why a remake of Arthur was going to make $100 million, so I don’t know what they were thinking.)

Rotten Tomatoes – 27% (52/195): An irritating, unnecessary remake that demonstrates the libertine charm Russell Brand exudes in supporting roles turn against him when he’s star of the show.

(Irritating is the name of the game. I really don’t know how you make an Arthur film without Dudley Moore and have Arthur come across as anything but supremely irritating. The reviewer below kind of gets it right too, this pretty much killed Brand as a leading man.)

Reviewer Highlight: Russell Brand gives a career-killing performance. – David Edelstein, New York Magazine/Vulture

Poster – 2011’s Arthur

(I don’t understand two things about this poster. Why is Arthur’s hat being held up like that? Does it mean something? Was that hat supposed to be a “thing”? Second, how is it that Greta Gerwig isn’t on this poster? Garner gets the spot playing the primary antagonist. Why? Anyway, I don’t love it. I don’t even like it, really. C-.)

Tagline(s) – Meet the world’s only loveable billionaire. (D+)

(I can’t really tell if this is really bad or just really not good. Like it’s a little long and not clever in the least. It appears to think him being “loveable” (to some people, I guess) is clever when put next to the word “billionaire.” I don’t understand why. I guess it does tell you a little of what to expect from the movie. So that’s nice.)

Keyword(s) – daddio

Top 10: The Shawshank Redemption (1994), The Godfather (1972), Scarface (1983), 12 Angry Men (1957), Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade (1989), Back to the Future Part II (1989), Dead Poets Society (1989), Citizen Kane (1941), The Game (1997), Dumb and Dumber (1994)

Future BMT: 79.0 Daddy Day Camp (2007), 58.9 Jury Duty (1995), 57.4 The NeverEnding Story II: The Next Chapter (1990), 57.1 Ghost Dad (1990), 50.8 Getting Even with Dad (1994), 50.5 Sleepwalkers (1992), 49.3 My Girl 2 (1994), 46.4 Daddy Day Care (2003), 44.6 Man of the House (1995), 41.6 My Baby’s Daddy (2004), 41.6 Speed Zone (1989), 41.3 Club Paradise (1986), 38.9 Fled (1996), 38.3 My Father the Hero (1994), 38.0 Dracula: Dead and Loving It (1995), 37.0 Desperate Hours (1990), 35.9 Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo (1984), 35.8 I Got the Hook Up (1998), 34.3 Spring Break (1983), 34.1 Father Hood (1993)

BMT: Speed 2: Cruise Control (1997), Troll 2 (1990), Super Mario Bros. (1993), Cool as Ice (1991), Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III (1993), Poltergeist III (1988), Shanghai Surprise (1986), Return to the Blue Lagoon (1991), The Lawnmower Man (1992), Arthur 2: On the Rocks (1988), Fire Birds (1990), Star Trek V: The Final Frontier (1989), Virtuosity (1995), Double Impact (1991), Police Academy 2: Their First Assignment (1985), Navy Seals (1990), Iron Eagle (1986), Rambo III (1988), High School High (1996), Ernest Goes to Jail (1990), Clifford (1994), Man Trouble (1992), Leviathan (1989), Universal Soldier (1992), Days of Thunder (1990), No Mercy (1986), The Postman (1997), Fools Rush In (1997), Eraser (1996), Hackers (1995), Rising Sun (1993), Magic in the Water (1995), Lock Up (1989), The Adventures of Ford Fairlane (1990)

(We had to finish up Arthur for the cycle, so here we are. Luckily I don’t think there were many others I was really clamoring for in its place.)

Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 20) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Jennifer Garner is No. 4 billed in Arthur and No. 2 billed in Ghosts of Girlfriends Past, which also stars Matthew McConaughey (No. 1 billed) who is in The Wedding Planner (No. 2 billed) which also stars Jennifer Lopez (No. 1 billed) who is in Gigli (No. 2 billed) which also stars Ben Affleck (No. 1 billed) who is in Pearl Harbor (No. 1 billed) which also stars Josh Hartnett (No. 3 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 3 billed) => (4 + 2) + (1 + 2) + (1 + 2) + (1 + 1) + (3 + 3) = 20. If we were to watch Two for the Money we can get the HoE Number down to 15.

Notes – Arthur states his father died at the age of forty-four in an homage to Steve Gordon, who directed Arthur (1981), and also died at the age of forty-four.

While sulking in his Batmobile after Hobson (Dame Helen Mirren) gives him an aspirin and vitamin, Arthur (Russell Brand) scrolls through his phone to look for Naomi’s number and we briefly see Katy Perry, Brand’s then-wife, listed as a contact.

During the dinner scene at Grand Central Station, the background music that is playing is an instrumental version of the Christopher Cross song, “Arthur (1981)’s Theme (Best That You Can Do)”.

In the final scene, where there is a collection of movie cars, the car displayed on the far right is the Rolls-Royce from Arthur (1981).

In order to see the dedication in Naomi’s book, Arthur moves a pop-up moon over a Manhattan skyline scene. This is a tribute to the line “If you get caught between the moon and New York City”, in Christopher Cross’ “Arthur (1981)’s Theme” song.

Awards – Nominee for the Razzie Award for Worst Actor (Russell Brand)

Nominee for the Razzie Award for Worst Prequel, Remake, Rip-Off or Sequel

Expend4bles Preview

September 1st, 1995

Jamie and Patrick are looking wizard. Hat? Funky. Jeans? Fresh. Riding? Horses. They’re about to turn nine and are deep into the latest horse craze sweeping the nation. Their dad had one word of advice for them as they navigate this crazy thing we call life: “How do you have so much time to watch all this bad stuff while also taking care of that horse?” With that he swept his arm in the general direction of a nearby beautiful meadow and called it ‘nature’s movie.’ Despite this being wrong (Nature’s movie is Fern Gully: The Last Rainforest) they venture forth and find themselves knee deep in grass as Don, their horse, eats his fill. “This is nice, actually,” Jamie begins, running his hands through the tall grass. “It’s not quite as nice as water, but it’s close. Because in water no one can see you nude and in the water…” but before he can finish his thought on why water and the tall grass are similar in one specific way they hear the sound of horses approaching. They hop on Don, but it’s too late, they’re surrounded by a bunch of older kids on their own horses. “What are we going to do?” Don says, which is worrisome, because Don usually knows exactly what to do. “Nice horse,” one of the kids says, but before the compliment can land he pulls out a quick “NOT!” and everyone laughs. As the kids ride away, still laughing, Jamie and Patrick’s eyes narrow. “They are foolz and we are the cure for foolz,” Jamie says, pulling out a very cool phrase he coined. With that their eyes glaze over and they enter a patented Twin Memory in order to remember such a cure for foolz. That’s right! You might remember a similarly cool phrase uttered by Sly Stallone in Cobra. Well we aren’t watching that (unfortunately). Instead we are taking it LIVE and watching Expend4bles. I had been worried that the film might be so stupid that reviewers would be like “If you are real dumb you’ll like this. Who am I to judge? 2.5 stars.” But nope! This got some real real real bad reviews. Hooray! Let’s go!

Expend4bles (2023) – BMeTric: 42.8; Notability: 33

StreetCreditReport.com – BMeTric: top 4.0%; Notability: top 0.8%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 0.5%; Higher BMeT: Meg 2: The Trench, The Black Demon, Knights of the Zodiac, 65, The Ritual Killer, The Out-Laws, Insidious: The Red Door, White Men Can’t Jump, Hypnotic, Expend4bles; Higher Notability: Fool’s Paradise, Ghosted; Lower RT: The Ritual Killer; Notes: The BMeT ones are fascinating. The Black Demon? The Ritual Killer? The Out-Laws? Never heard of any of these. The Black Demon is, somehow, a knock off The Meg. The Ritual Killer is a Morgan Freeman film where it seems like a serial killer uses magic to kill people maybe? And now that I look at it I now remember that The Out-Laws is an Adam DeVine comedy about a bank robbery. I guess the point is: at some point we have to expand our horizons to include nonsense like The Out-Laws at least, so how should we do it? BMeT? Hardly. But something we have to think about.

RogerEbert.com – 1.0 stars – “The Expendables” had a simple enough concept—gather a bunch of ’80s-era action cinema icons, including Sylvester Stallone, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Bruce Willis, Dolph Lundgren, and Mickey Rourke, and bring them together for an old-school-style shoot-em-up in which they, along with such current familiar faces (and pecs) as Jason Statham, Jet Li, Randy Couture, and Steve Austin, joined forces to blow things up real good. The film was no masterpiece, but the aggressively retro approach—it felt like exactly the kind of thing that the late great Cannon Films might have conjured up if they were still in business—had a certain lunkheaded charm, and it wound up being a surprise hit. Two sequels followed in 2012 and 2014, and while neither one lived up to the exceedingly mild promise of their predecessor, they served their purpose as B-movie fodder and a way for veteran action stars (including Harrison Ford, Chuck Norris, Wesley Snipes, Jean-Claude Van Damme, Antonio Banderas and, inexplicably, Kelsey Grammer) to kill a couple of adequately-paid weeks reliving the good old days—sort of the genre equivalent of a Hall of Fame game.

“Expend4bles” is just an embarrassment from start to finish, and the only positive thing to say about it is that it should pretty much put a nail in the coffin of a series that has clearly overstayed its welcome. At least for another decade.

(Yeah, that sounds about right. And finally. Something like this is bad for what it is, instead of merely good for what it is. Read the review. It put it into lunkheaded context and found it wanting even from the modest premise. More of that please.)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cm3Z1jEjHHc/

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cm3Z1jEjHHc/

(We heard who? Oh yeah, I forgot the whole advertising campaign revolved around how they were going to make this movie rated-R and that was supposed to make it better somehow.)

Directors – Scott Waugh – ( Known For: Hidden Strike; 6 Below: Miracle on the Mountain; Future BMT: Act of Valor; BMT: Expend4bles; Need for Speed; Notes: He is tapped for an upcoming Schwarzenegger film called Breakout (secret sequel to Escape Plan?). Also he is apparently directing a film starring a few wrestlers.)

Writers – Kurt Wimmer – ( Known For: Equilibrium; The Thomas Crown Affair; Salt; Children of the Corn; The Misfits; The Recruit; Spell; Double Trouble; The Neighbor; Relative Fear; Future BMT: Law Abiding Citizen; Total Recall; Street Kings; BMT: Expend4bles; Point Break; Ultraviolet; Notes: Wrote the original book the first film was based on … naw I’m joking. For his film Equilibrium he claims to have invented “Gun Kata” a fictional martial art discipline. He also wrote the upcoming Statham film The Beekeepers.)

Tad Daggerhart – (BMT: Expend4bles; Notes: One of those guys which are so new to the scene they don’t have a TMDB profile yet. He acted a bit, was in script continuity for a bit, but then wrote this and a non-film called Black Lotus this year.)

Max Adams – ( Known For: Heist; Extraction; Precious Cargo; BMT: Expend4bles; Notes: He served in the armed forces, so his writing credits definitely skew that direction.)

Spenser Cohen – ( Known For: Extinction; BMT: Expend4bles; Moonfall; Notes: He has an upcoming film he is writing-directing called Horrorscope in which (can you guess?) a group of teens begin dying based on their horoscope after getting their fortunes told.)

Dave Callaham – ( Known For: Spider-Man: Across the Spider-Verse; The Expendables; Mortal Kombat; Wonder Woman 1984; Godzilla; Shang-Chi and the Legend of the Ten Rings; Zombieland: Double Tap; Horsemen; America: The Motion Picture; Tell Tale; BMT: Expend4bles; The Expendables 3; Doom; Notes: Yeah, a big writer, mostly on big budget films and often comic book oriented. He is writing the new Masters of the Universe film.)

Actors – Jason Statham – ( Known For: Fast X; The Expendables; The Expendables 2; The Meg; Operation Fortune: Ruse de Guerre; Spy; Snatch; F9: The Fast Saga; Wrath of Man; Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels; Collateral; Fast & Furious Presents: Hobbs & Shaw; Furious 7; The Fate of the Furious; The Italian Job; Furious 6; Homefront; The Transporter; The Mechanic; Parker; Future BMT: The Pink Panther; The One; War; Turn It Up; BMT: Expend4bles; Meg 2: The Trench; The Expendables 3; Crank; Mechanic: Resurrection; Crank: High Voltage; Killer Elite; In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale; Ghosts of Mars; Notes: Wow, very close to our tenth Statham. He has three Hall of Fame films. I wonder if anyone else beats that (unofficial check: from what I can tell Travolta and Stallone also have three as of this year).)

50 Cent – ( Known For: Spy; Southpaw; Den of Thieves; Escape Plan; Morning Glory; Last Vegas; The Frozen Ground; Popstar: Never Stop Never Stopping; Escape Plan: The Extractors; The Prince; Escape Plan 2: Hades; 13; Fire with Fire; Twelve; All Things Fall Apart; Freelancers; Home of the Brave; Setup; Gun; Dead Man Running; Future BMT: Get Rich or Die Tryin’; BMT: Expend4bles; Righteous Kill; Notes: An oddly charmed film career. Although some of the non-BMT films actually are just too small. Escape Plan 2 is absolutely dire, but it wasn’t released to theaters in the end.)

Megan Fox – ( Known For: Jennifer’s Body; This Is 40; Transformers; Till Death; Midnight in the Switchgrass; The Dictator; Night Teeth; Johnny & Clyde; Good Mourning; Above the Shadows; Zeroville; Rogue; Big Gold Brick; Taurus; Friends with Kids; The Battle of Jangsari; Think Like a Dog; Passion Play; Whore; Future BMT: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Out of the Shadows; Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen; Bad Boys II; Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen; How to Lose Friends & Alienate People; BMT: Expend4bles; Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles; Jonah Hex; Notes: What is the opposite of an oddly charmed film career? Blasted onto the scene when Michael Bay cast her in multiple Transformers films. She’s stuck around though, and even has some cult classics floating around. Was married to Brian Austin Green for 10 years, they have three kids together, but divorced a few years ago.)

Budget/Gross – $100 million / Domestic: $14,336,200 (Worldwide: $26,064,529)

(Yeah it was disastrous. There is almost no way they continue with the series, despite Sly’s contention that there will be more. The last stunk, this stunk, and now it is box office poison. Not a chance.)

Rotten Tomatoes – 13% (15/119): Solid work from Jason Statham and some halfway decent set pieces aren’t enough to make up for Expend4bles’ lackluster action and cheap-looking effects.

(Solid work by Jason Statham sounded unlikely initially … but yeah, I suppose he is always game for a little action smash’em’up so it actually seems quite likely.)

Reviewer Highlight: The film’s last reel is so awful — so sneeringly contemptuous of our good-faith efforts to play along with these shenanigans — that we leave the theater still thinking of that shot of a corpse’s middle finger. It sure seemed pointed at us. – Amy Nicholson, The New York Times

Poster – Depend4bles

(Nailed it. Big ol’ meh to this guy. Just all the people and then zany colors for… I guess I don’t really know why. C-.)

Tagline(s) – Old blood meets new blood. (D)

(Nope. That ain’t it.)

Keyword(s) – year 2023

Top 10: Oppenheimer (2023), Barbie (2023), Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 3 (2023), John Wick: Chapter 4 (2023), Spider-Man: Across the Spider-Verse (2023), Ant-Man and the Wasp: Quantumania (2023), The Super Mario Bros. Movie (2023), Dungeons & Dragons: Honor Among Thieves (2023), The Flash (2023), Pathaan (2023)

Future BMT: 82.1 Winnie the Pooh: Blood and Honey (2023), 47.0 Insidious: The Red Door (2023), 44.0 Hypnotic (2023), 42.6 House Party (2023), 37.8 Fool’s Paradise (2023), 35.5 Mafia Mamma (2023), 30.2 The Machine (2023), 30.1 About My Father (2023), 28.9 My Big Fat Greek Wedding 3 (2023), 28.6 Love Again (2023), 25.2 Fear (2023), 21.7 Haunted Mansion (2023), 10.3 The Exorcist: Believer (2023), 7.5 Sweetwater (2023)

BMT: Meg 2: The Trench (2023), 65 (2023), Expend4bles (2023), Retribution (2023)

Best Options (Action): 44.0 Hypnotic (2023), 42.0 Expend4bles (2023), 35.5 Mafia Mamma (2023), 30.2 The Machine (2023)

(Hypnotic will almost certainly be the action choice for the end of the year cycle, so we’ll have hit a solid set of bad guys by the end. We are not watching Winnie the Pooh: Blood and Honey though. I refuse.)

Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 6) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Jason Statham is No. 1 billed in Expend4bles and No. 1 billed in In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale, which also stars Leelee Sobieski (No. 3 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 1 billed) => (1 + 1) + (3 + 1) = 6. There is no shorter path at the moment.

Notes – Jason Statham has expressed his love for The Expendables. On co-star Sylvester Stallone, he said “Working with Sylvester Stallone is beyond a pinch yourself moment. I remember growing up watching his films, and to be directed by him, and to be in a movie that he’s produced, and to be shoulder to shoulder with Sly is a privilege any man who loves action movies would never turn their nose up at. I mean, it’s terrific. I’ll do as many as he wants.”

Sylvester Stallone while promoting The Expendables 3 (2014) DVD/Blu-ray release of the movie, Stallone commented that if a fourth film happens, it will definitely be R-rated unlike the PG-13 rated The Expendables 3 (2014) as he states on the matter: “Absolutely unequivocally yes,” he confirmed. “I believe it was a horrible miscalculation on everyone’s part in trying to reach a wider audience, but in doing such, diminish the violence that the audience expects. I’m quite certain it won’t happen again.”

Sylvester Stallone confirmed this is the first of a new trilogy.

Sylvester Stallone’s first choice for the villain was Jack Nicholson.

Jason Statham was the first actor, besides Sylvester Stallone, to say he will be returning for this film.

Leviathan Preview

September 1st, 1996

Jamie and Patrick are looking fresh. Earrings? Gold. Jeans? Gold. Apple juice? Gold. They’re about to turn ten and are setting the standard with their gold swag. Their dad had one word of advice for them as they navigate this crazy thing we call life: “How many times can you watch Tango and Cash?” With that he swept his arm in the general direction of their local swimming hole and called it ‘nature’s movie.’ Despite this being wrong (Nature’s movie is Baraka) they ventured forth and found themselves at Ralston’s Gulch. It’s cannonball central as they take the swimming hole by storm. Suddenly, right when they begin another one of their patented Twin Double Cannonballs, they feel a tug at their shorts and find themselves completely nude in the freezing waters. A couple of middle school bullies are laughing at them from the shore while holding their shorts above their heads. “Why don’t the little babies come out and playyyyy-ayyyy?” they yell, and all the other people at the gulch laugh. “We look like fools,” Jamie says and laments that he doesn’t have a shirt to rip clean off to fashion crude shorts out of. “Do you remember the last time we ended up completely nude in public?” Patrick reminds Jamie. He does, it was when those two hot dogging pilots at the air show buzzed them and the speed of the jets ripped all their clothes off. “And what did we do then?” Patrick continues. “Oh right, we took those foolz to schoolz,” Jamie says, pulling out a very cool phrase he coined. “We jumped in the water. Because in the water no one can see you nude and in the water…” With that their eyes glaze over and they enter a patented Twin Memory. That’s right! We are diving into Leviathan, an Alien/The Thing rip-off set underwater that if made just a few years later would have probably looked way cheaper and probably went straight to video. But instead it got a theatrical release. Good for us. We pair that with The Further Adventures of Tennessee Buck, a weird little movie directed by David Keith… you know… before he realized he didn’t want to do that. Let’s go!

Leviathan (1989) – BMeTric: 34.7; Notability: 50

StreetCreditReport.com – BMeTric: top 8.4%; Notability: top 2.8%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 14.6%; Higher BMeT: Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan, Police Academy 6: City Under Siege, Halloween 5: The Revenge of Michael Myers, A Nightmare on Elm Street: The Dream Child, Wild Orchid, Cyborg, The Karate Kid Part III, The Fly II, No Holds Barred, Star Trek V: The Final Frontier, Cutting Class, Sleepaway Camp III: Teenage Wasteland, DeepStar Six, The Toxic Avenger Part II, Pink Cadillac, Shocker, Speed Zone, The Punisher, The January Man, The Horror Show, and 1 more; Higher Notability: Tango & Cash, Troop Beverly Hills, Star Trek V: The Final Frontier, A Nightmare on Elm Street: The Dream Child, See No Evil, Hear No Evil, Fletch Lives, Harlem Nights; Lower RT: The Horror Show, Speed Zone, Kinjite: Forbidden Subjects, The Toxic Avenger Part II, Police Academy 6: City Under Siege, Worth Winning, Night Game, Wired, Dream a Little Dream, Wild Orchid, No Holds Barred, She’s Out of Control, Halloween 5: The Revenge of Michael Myers, Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan, Millennium, Chattahoochee, Sleepaway Camp III: Teenage Wasteland, Cookie, Troop Beverly Hills, Three Fugitives, and 13 more; Notes: Played on television 40 times in the 90s, not bad. A lot of horror sequels in ‘89 as well, Friday the 13th 8 (played 27 times), Halloween 5 (15 times), Nightmare on Elm Street: Dream Child (39 times), and The Fly II (35 times). So this played more that those which is interesting. More interesting (maybe) is none of the Sleepaway Camps played at all on television in the 90s … that seems crazy, but I ran a check and it seems to be the case. Sleepaway Camp, it turns out, is a purely post-2000 cult horror sensation.

Leonard Maltin – 1.5 stars – Yet one more dreadful Alien clone, this one set underwater (like several other 1989 releases), with a team of men and women imperiled as they toil in the depths of the Atlantic. Skip it.

(Leonard, would you say that perhaps we should … spare ourselves? Anyways, you can tell two things from this review. First, the complete lack of interest by Leonard in horror films in general. And second, just how bad this film must be for him to not even bother to slam it very hard. Exciting.)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2G2OSQyIjGc/

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2G2OSQyIjGc/

(Love the voiceover immediately. You can explicitly tell this is just The Thing + Alien = Leviathan though. Amusingly unoriginal.)

Directors – George P. Cosmatos – ( Known For: Tombstone; Escape to Athena; The Cassandra Crossing; Of Unknown Origin; The Day the Fish Came Out; Massacre in Rome; The Beloved; Future BMT: Shadow Conspiracy; BMT: Rambo: First Blood Part II; Cobra; Leviathan; Notes: Died in 2005, but was retired from 1997 I think. His son is also a director having directed Mandy.)

Writers – David Webb Peoples – ( Known For: Blade Runner; Unforgiven; 12 Monkeys; Ladyhawke; Hero; The Blood of Heroes; Unforgiven; BMT: Leviathan; Soldier; Notes: Nominated for an Oscar for Unforgiven. Seemingly still alive at around 83 years old, but he hasn’t done anything since 1997 either.)

Jeb Stuart – ( Known For: Die Hard; The Fugitive; Blood Done Sign My Name; Vital Signs; Future BMT: Just Cause; Switchback; BMT: Leviathan; Lock Up; Another 48 Hrs.; Fire Down Below; Notes: Created Vikings: Valhalla more recently, but also hasn’t written a feature since 1997. We need to watch Switchback, it’s a serial killer film I’ve barely heard of.)

Actors – Peter Weller – ( Known For: RoboCop; Star Trek Into Darkness; The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai Across the 8th Dimension; Naked Lunch; Mighty Aphrodite; Prey; Beyond the Clouds; Skin Trade; Of Unknown Origin; Shakedown; Cat Chaser; Butch and Sundance: The Early Days; Shoot the Moon; Just Tell Me What You Want; Repentance; Ivans xtc.; Dragon Eyes; The New Age; Shadow Hours; Top of the World; Future BMT: Screamers; The Order; Firstborn; Undiscovered; BMT: RoboCop 2; Leviathan; Notes: Was nominated for an Oscar for a short film, Partners, which is wild. He is obviously more well known for RoboCop because the rest of his filmography seems to alternate between Schlock and Cult Classics.)

Richard Crenna – ( Known For: First Blood; Sabrina; Body Heat; Hot Shots! Part Deux; Our Miss Brooks; Wait Until Dark; The Sand Pebbles; Death Ship; Jonathan Livingston Seagull; The Flamingo Kid; Breakheart Pass; The Evil; A Cop; Marooned; Doctors’ Wives; Table for Five; Star!; Catlow; Made in Paris; Stone Cold Dead; Future BMT: Summer Rental; Wrongfully Accused; BMT: Rambo: First Blood Part II; Rambo III; Leviathan; Jade; Notes: Nominated for four Emmys and won one for The Rape of Richard Beck. Almost certainly known to film lovers a as Colonel Trautman the man who “created” Rambo.)

Amanda Pays – ( Known For: The Kindred; Oxford Blues; Off Limits; A Grande Arte; Ablaze; Subterfuge; BMT: Leviathan; Notes: She was in a few episodes of The Flash, otherwise she appears to have been semi-retired for a while. Comes from an acting family, and is married to Corbin Bernsen. Which probably explains a bit role in Psych.)

Budget/Gross – $21 million / Domestic: $15,704,614 (Worldwide: $15,704,614)

(That is abominable. For a horror film especially. You design it for the $20 million budget expecting a $30-50 million return at least, but this is a bomb for sure.)

Rotten Tomatoes – 24% (6/25): A deep-sea thriller with an unusually strong cast and potent ideas, Leviathan quickly plunges into an abyss of weak thrills and lame kills.

(Sounds about right. The unusually strong cast is right, although with hindsight … well, let’s just say that Ernie Hudson and Peter Weller didn’t quite finish up the 90s as A-listers.)

NYT Short Review: Spare yourself. / Miners trapped on the ocean floor with a giant eel. / Adventure about metal mining on the ocean floor.

Poster – Leviasklog

(Very cool, although pretty unrealistic, poster. I’ve seen it before, but until you watch the movie you don’t really recognize how strange it is that they use an event from the end of the film to advertise the movie. A bit random. A.)

Tagline(s) – How long can you hold your breath? (C)

(Hmmmm, I guess this is not the worst it can be. It makes some sense and is intriguing. Although it doesn’t have much to do with the movie.)

Keyword(s) – daddio

Future BMT: 79.0 Daddy Day Camp (2007), 58.9 Jury Duty (1995), 57.4 The NeverEnding Story II: The Next Chapter (1990), 57.1 Ghost Dad (1990), 50.8 Getting Even with Dad (1994), 50.5 Sleepwalkers (1992), 49.3 My Girl 2 (1994), 46.4 Daddy Day Care (2003), 44.6 Man of the House (1995), 41.6 My Baby’s Daddy (2004), 41.6 Speed Zone (1989), 41.3 Club Paradise (1986), 38.9 Fled (1996), 38.3 My Father the Hero (1994), 37.9 Dracula: Dead and Loving It (1995), 36.9 Desperate Hours (1990), 35.8 Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo (1984), 35.8 I Got the Hook Up (1998), 34.3 Spring Break (1983), 34.1 Father Hood (1993)

BMT: Speed 2: Cruise Control (1997), Troll 2 (1990), Super Mario Bros. (1993), Cool as Ice (1991), Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III (1993), Poltergeist III (1988), Shanghai Surprise (1986), Return to the Blue Lagoon (1991), The Lawnmower Man (1992), Arthur 2: On the Rocks (1988), Fire Birds (1990), Star Trek V: The Final Frontier (1989), Virtuosity (1995), Double Impact (1991), Police Academy 2: Their First Assignment (1985), Navy Seals (1990), Iron Eagle (1986), Rambo III (1988), High School High (1996), Ernest Goes to Jail (1990), Clifford (1994), Man Trouble (1992), Leviathan (1989), Universal Soldier (1992), Days of Thunder (1990), No Mercy (1986), The Postman (1997), Eraser (1996), Hackers (1995), Rising Sun (1993), Lock Up (1989), Magic in the Water (1995), The Adventures of Ford Fairlane (1990)

Best Options (Horror): 50.5 Sleepwalkers (1992), 37.9 Dracula: Dead and Loving It (1995), 34.7 Leviathan (1989)

(This was a sparse category. Ultimately I think this was chosen because it was 1990 and was the only real good option from that year.)

Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 13) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Richard Crenna is No. 2 billed in Leviathan and No. 2 billed in Rambo III, which also stars Sylvester Stallone (No. 1 billed) who is in The Expendables 3 (No. 1 billed) which also stars Jason Statham (No. 2 billed) who is in In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale (No. 1 billed) which also stars Leelee Sobieski (No. 3 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 1 billed) => (2 + 2) + (1 + 1) + (2 + 1) + (3 + 1) = 13. If we were to watch The Glass House we can get the HoE Number down to 12.

Notes – The experience was an adventure and a joy for Stan Winston and his monster-making team. Not only did they get to live in Rome for four months during filming, and even learn scuba diving, a recreational activity many of them continue to pursue to this day, but they also got to work with a director who was unusually generous with inviting their input. In addition to producing the creature effects, Cosmatos trusted Winston to direct the second unit action sequences. “George Cosmatos always let us take the lead in how to shoot the creature,” noted Landon. “He was such a big-hearted person, he would throw up his hands, and say ‘I don’t know what I’m doing.’ He’d just admit it and let us do what we knew how to do. We know what our characters can do and we know the best way to use them. We’re thinking about what our characters are going to have to do on the set the entire time we’re building them. So we are goldmines of information and knowledge. Some directors recognize that, and really rely on us.”

The creature effects team encountered some language differences during the making of Aliens (1986) in England, but the challenges were much bigger in Italy. “I always keep a log of everything we order on shows, just in case accounting comes back later and asks about it,” noted lead creature effects mechanic and on-set technician Richard Landon. “In my log from that show, you can tell that there were some real language issues, because a lot of times, instead of words, I drew pictures of nuts or bolts or that kind of thing. I would quite often have to draw a picture just to make it clear what I was talking about.” There were cultural differences too, such as the Italian’s crew tendency to drink large amounts of red wine at lunch. “They’d say, ‘Here, have some wine!’ remembered Mahan, “and we’d say, ‘Uh, thanks, but we’re not allowed to drink while we’re working.’ Of course, every once in a while, we’d sneak a little, but nothing like the way those guys were drinking it down.”

Deep Star Six (1989) was the first release of several underwater-monster-themed feature films released during 1989-90, including The Abyss (1989), Leviathan (1989), The Evil Below (1989), and Lords of the Deep (1989), and ‘The Rift’ (aka ‘Endless Descent’, 1990). With the exception of ‘The Abyss’, none of these films were box office hits.

The movie is set in the year 2027

Once, during the underwater photography, John Rosengrant and other members of the SWS on-set crew were underwater for so long and at such depth, that they were unaware of a violent storm that had come in, threatening to rip the topside boat from its anchor and smash it against nearby rocks. “We had no idea all of this was going on, until we came to the surface and saw all this commotion,” recalled Rosengrant. “We all go out of the water and helped to push the boat away from the rocks and hold it steady in this storm.”