cycle: based on a book – Bad Movie Twins

Thinner Preview

The book is in fact a dramatic,and lightly fictionalized, recounting of Patrick, Jamie and Kyle’s time as judges for People Magazine’s 2022 Sexiest Man of the Year Issue. (“Ha! The gosh darn Three Musketeers! You guys picked Guy Fieri. Amazing.”) But it’s steampunk. 1840. Austria. (“So that’s why there is a Frankenstein’s monster! Perfect.”) We have to decide who is the sexiest. Dr. Victor Frankenstein (“Pretty sexy”), Frankenstein’s monster (“Getting warmer”), a wolfman (“Can’t get sexier than that”), or United States President Martin Van Buren (“Oh snap. You got sexier. LL Cool Chops himself.”). As you can imagine there is a lot of political pressure to choose Dr. Victor Frankenstein. So we do the only thing you can do, hold a steampunk gala and see who wins a dance off. (“MVB wins that in a landslide.”) But wait, our brilliant idea is backfiring. People are wondering why we can’t be the Sexiest Men of the Year. It’s a good question, but the problem is our professional dance background. (“Naturally.”) We know if we get on that dance floor we will absolutely embarrass Martin Van Buren. He will literally split his pants trying to out dance us and blow his shot in the 1940 election, which in the steampunk version of history he wins and there is no Civil War. (“Of course.”) Ultimately we choose the only path that can save history: we crown local chef celebrity and host Guy Thaddeus Farrier the winner and even Martin Van Buren is like ‘Yeah, I get it.’ (“I get it, too”). And that’s it.

Dick Computer is beaming. “Just one last thing, how long is it?” Jamie quickly says 400 pages, the perfect length for a book. Mr. Computer thinks for a moment. “Make it thinner and we have a book.” That’s right! We did make it Thinner and are watching the Stephen King adaptation for the week. I’ve been reading a ton of King in the last year and so it was just a matter of course to read this book (even though I unfortunately haven’t typically gotten the privilege to read the media tie-in editions of his other books). Let’s go!

Thinner (1996) – BMeTric: 37.2; Notability: 33

StreetCreditReport.com – BMeTric: top 16.0%; Notability: top 20.4%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 18.7%; Higher BMeT: Barb Wire, Kazaam, Bio-Dome, Striptease, The Island of Dr. Moreau, The Crow: City of Angels, Ed, Hellraiser: Bloodline, The Stupids, Mr. Wrong, Spy Hard, Solo, Adrenalin: Fear the Rush, The Glimmer Man, Eddie, D3: The Mighty Ducks, Big Bully, Bordello of Blood, First Kid, Celtic Pride, and 20 more; Higher Notability: Spy Hard, The Fan, Jingle All the Way, Eddie, Dear God, The Associate, Up Close & Personal, Bogus, Chain Reaction, Eye for an Eye, Girl 6, Mulholland Falls, Daylight, Mary Reilly, Joe’s Apartment, Before and After, Surviving Picasso, The Adventures of Pinocchio, Sgt. Bilko, Dunston Checks In, and 31 more; Lower RT: The Dentist, Big Bully, Adrenalin: Fear the Rush, Getting Away with Murder, Bio-Dome, Kazaam, Ed, Mr. Wrong, Faithful, Spy Hard, Eye for an Eye, Bulletproof, Solo, House Arrest, Curdled, The Glimmer Man, In Love and War, Larger Than Life, Striptease, Down Periscope, and 26 more; Notes: For BMeT we’ve seen 13 of the top 20, which is solid. We are starting to really hit up a lot of the top films from the ‘90s. Amazingly, it seems like this film never played on television in the late-’90s? Seems impossible, but maybe it was just that big of a catastrophe?

New York Times – But as such ventures go, this Halloween handout is more treat than trick, if your tastes run to dripping blood and repellent skin ailments. The production is slick, the Maine scenery is bracing, the characters are well-acted, and in a mumbo-jumbo movie with a few loose ends, the makeup central to the plot and applied by Greg Cannom and Bob Laden to Robert John Burke in the leading role is most admirable.

(I genuinely do not agree. The film is fun in its own way. But the main character (and all the actors really) are quite bad and it looks bad too. But to each their own.)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jN4NcET1R-k/

(The tone is all over the place!! Hilarious, the music. It is insane. The new shape of terror *shot of an old man cackling” lol. This looks like garbage. So funny. I love this trailer, given what the movie actually is, this is ridiculous.)

Directors – Tom Holland – ( Known For: Child’s Play; Fright Night; Rock, Paper, Scissors; Future BMT: Fatal Beauty; The Temp; BMT: Thinner; Notes: A horror director almost exclusively, except for Fatal Beauty is kind of a cop drama? Seems nuts, has Whoopi Goldberg and for some reason I thought it was based on a book, but I don’t think so.)

Writers – Stephen King – ( Known For: The Shawshank Redemption; The Green Mile; The Shining; It; Stand by Me; The Mist; It: Chapter Two; 1408; Misery; Doctor Sleep; Carrie; Secret Window; The Running Man; Carrie; Gerald’s Game; Pet Sematary; Pet Sematary; Christine; The Long Walk; The Monkey; Future BMT: Creepshow 2; Needful Things; The Mangler; Children of the Corn II: The Final Sacrifice; BMT: The Dark Tower; Dreamcatcher; Children of the Corn; The Lawnmower Man; Maximum Overdrive; Firestarter; Thinner; Sleepwalkers; Firestarter; The Rage: Carrie 2; Graveyard Shift; Notes: Only four to go! That would be amazing. To be able to say that I’ve seen all of the bad Stephen King adaptations. I’ve maybe seen 20 films based on Stephen King books which is crazy.)

Michael McDowell – ( Known For: Beetlejuice; The Nightmare Before Christmas; Beetlejuice Beetlejuice; Tales from the Darkside: The Movie; Cold Moon; BMT: Thinner; Notes: Did this kill his career? He legit has some incredible films / adaptations here, and then after Thinner it just is nothing but “based on characters by”.)

Tom Holland – ( Known For: Child’s Play; Fright Night; Fright Night; Psycho II; Fright Night Part 2; Class of 1984; Cloak & Dagger; The Beast Within; Scream for Help; BMT: Thinner; Notes: Wall to wall horror film. I do love when horror people are just horror people, you know? Helped define an era of horror.)

Actors – Robert John Burke – ( Known For: Limitless; Black Panther: Wakanda Forever; BlacKkKlansman; Munich; 2 Guns; Tombstone; Safe; Cop Land; Good Night, and Good Luck.; Confessions of a Dangerous Mind; True Story; Brooklyn’s Finest; Boston Strangler; Speak; Intrusion; Heaven & Earth; Connie and Carla; The Unbelievable Truth; The Oh in Ohio; Dust Devil; Future BMT: Hide and Seek; Miracle at St. Anna; The Ex; Fled; If Lucy Fell; BMT: RoboCop 3; Thinner; Notes: I was like, where do I know this guy from. He’s played the IA asshole in SVU 30 times, and I watched an inordinate number of SVU episodes over the years. I was so confused, I thought the main guy was Jeffery Combs. Nope. Crazy, the make up in this film makes him look totally different in my opinion.)

Joe Mantegna – ( Known For: The Godfather Part III; The Simpsons Movie; Three Amigos!; The Money Pit; Searching for Bobby Fischer; Bugsy; Celebrity; House of Games; Redbelt; Alice; Forget Paris; Edmond; Suspect; Albino Alligator; Homicide; Nine Lives; Liberty Heights; Elvis and Anabelle; Things Change; Critical Condition; Future BMT: Cars 2; Baby’s Day Out; Airheads; Eye for an Eye; Up Close & Personal; Witless Protection; BMT: Valentine’s Day; Thinner; Body of Evidence; Notes: Hell yeah. Nominated for three Emmy for The Rat Pack, The Last Dawn, and The Starter Wife, all in the miniseries category. Took over the lead in Criminal Minds and then was ultimately in over 300 episodes of that.)

Lucinda Jenney – ( Known For: Rain Man; Remember the Titans; Thelma & Louise; S.W.A.T.; Leaving Las Vegas; Born on the Fourth of July; What Dreams May Come; G.I. Jane; The Mothman Prophecies; Thirteen Days; Peggy Sue Got Married; Crazy/Beautiful; The Deep End of the Ocean; 3 from Hell; Matinee; Mr. Jones; Grace of My Heart; American Heart; How to Kill Your Neighbor’s Dog; Crime + Punishment in Suburbia; Future BMT: Practical Magic; Mad City; The Final Season; Wired; BMT: Thinner; Notes: She’s been working very steadily since the 90s, but I’m going to be honest. I really don’t remember her in anything. I’ve seen so many of her movies!)

Budget/Gross – $8-17 million / Domestic: $15,315,484 (Worldwide: $15,315,484)

(I kind of figured. The weird thing is I don’t think the film is such a bomb that it would be effectively worthless for television. So I don’t get it. It isn’t very violent, you can cut out some of the racier things. So why did this movie never play on television? I guess my last idea is that the poster/VHS cover is so enticing that the home video sales were gangbusters and so they didn’t want to risk that? Doesn’t make much sense. Oh … I wonder if King specifically didn’t allow it to play on television. That could make sense.)

Rotten Tomatoes – 19% (5/26): A bland, weightless horror film that seems to want to mock itself as the proceedings drag on.

(Weightless. Get it? I don’t think it is mocking itself. It just runs like a TV movie and that just comes across as not taking itself seriously. I’m willing to bet it is taking itself deathly serious.)

Reviewer Highlight: Reduced to some raw-boned ideas, the film version of “Stephen King’s Thinner” is horror lite. This is a meat and potatoes genre outing rich on starch but short in providing the basic requirements for nutritional scare fare. It’s one of the more pedestrian translations of the shockmeister’s books, and is headed for the video remainders pile after a brief, lackluster theatrical run. – Leonard Klady, Variety

Poster – Thinner Thinner Chicken Dinner

(I mean… this is horrible right. As bad as a poster can be that tries to do something with the font and has a bold purple color scheme. It looks like something you’d see today for some Tubi original film. No offense. I love Tubi. But this is bad. Still, they tried kinda, so I’ll be nice. C-.)

Tagline(s) – Let The Curse Fit The Crime. (A)

(Hmmm, you know this is actually good even if it didn’t necessarily sound like it when I first read it. A little twist on a phrase. Short and sweet and tells you what’s up. It’s not just good. But very good.)

Keyword(s) – imdb-keyword-based-on-novel;based-on-book

Top 10: Fight Club (1999), Forrest Gump (1994), The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring (2001), The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King (2003), The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers (2002), The Wolf of Wall Street (2013), The Silence of the Lambs (1991), Shutter Island (2010), Schindler’s List (1993), The Prestige (2006)

Future BMT: 74.9 The Turning (2020), 72.6 Zoom (2006), 69.6 Gulliver’s Travels (2010), 67.3 Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen (2004), 66.3 102 Dalmatians (2000), 65.3 Diary of a Wimpy Kid: The Long Haul (2017), 64.2 Valentine (2001), 57.9 The NeverEnding Story II: The Next Chapter (1990), 55.5 Hanging Up (2000), 55.4 Eye of the Beholder (1999), 55.2 Snow Dogs (2002), 54.3 The Divorce (2003), 53.9 Abandon (2002), 53.3 The Stepford Wives (2004), 52.4 Addicted (2014), 50.8 Freedomland (2006), 50.0 Kull: The Conqueror (1997), 49.9 King Solomon’s Mines (1985), 49.5 Thomas and the Magic Railroad (2000), 48.7 The Jungle Book 2 (2003)

BMT: Battlefield Earth (2000), Dragonball Evolution (2009), Cats (2019), Left Behind (2014), Fifty Shades of Grey (2015), Jaws 3-D (1983), One Missed Call (2008), Fifty Shades Darker (2017), Fifty Shades Freed (2018), The Bye Bye Man (2017), The Twilight Saga: New Moon (2009), Striptease (1996), The Island of Dr. Moreau (1996), Firestarter (2022), The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1 (2011), Tarot (2024), Meg 2: The Trench (2023), The Haunting (1999), Fair Game (1995), Eragon (2006), After We Fell (2021), North (1994), Monkeybone (2001), The Rage: Carrie 2 (1999), Conan the Barbarian (2011), After Ever Happy (2022), Exorcist: The Beginning (2004), An American Haunting (2005), The Snowman (2017), The Seeker: The Dark Is Rising (2007), Sliver (1993), Pinocchio (2002), The Musketeer (2001), Shanghai Surprise (1986), Get Carter (2000), Exit to Eden (1994), After (2019), Alex Cross (2012), Queen of the Damned (2002), Congo (1995), …

Best Options (Horror): 74.9 The Turning (2020), 64.2 Valentine (2001), 53.3 The Stepford Wives (2004), 48.4 Blood and Chocolate (2007), 41.4 Diabolique (1996), 40.4 Village of the Damned (1995), 40.2 In Dreams (1999), 39.2 Hideaway (1995), 37.3 Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter (2012), 37.2 Thinner (1996), 37.0 The Amityville Horror (2005), 36.7 The Relic (1997), 33.3 The Awakening (1980), 32.9 Mary Reilly (1996), 32.5 Victor Frankenstein (2015), 30.1 The Night Listener (2006), 28.9 Bad Moon (1996), 28.9 The Phantom of the Opera (1989), 27.0 The Puppet Masters (1994), 21.4 The Believers (1987), 18.0 Ghost Story (1981)

(Again, we were really going for the ones where you could get the “now a major motion picture” covers. This was also enticing just because we both like reading Stephen King books (although, honestly, I find a lot of them junky, and (spoiler) this was no exception).)

Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 19) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Robert John Burke is No. 1 billed in Thinner and No. 1 billed in RoboCop 3, which also stars Rip Torn (No. 3 billed) who is in Senseless (No. 4 billed) which also stars Matthew Lillard (No. 3 billed) who is in Wicker Park (No. 3 billed) which also stars Josh Hartnett (No. 1 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 3 billed) => (1 + 1) + (3 + 4) + (3 + 3) + (1 + 3) = 19. If we were to watch Fled, and Biker Boyz we can get the HoE Number down to 17.

Notes – While in production, cowriter/director Tom Holland was stricken with Bell’s Palsy, a virus that paralyzed one side of his face. The effects could have been minimized had he gotten a steroid shot immediately, but the producers insisted he keep working, so it was 36 hours before he got to a doctor. It took more than a year and a half for him to fully recover.

Robert John Burke lost 20 pounds to play the role.

At his thinnest, Billy Halleck (Robert John Burke) weighed 120 pounds which was a challenge for the FX crew, as the actor weighed 160 pounds at the time of production.

Originally the crew planned to do a more gruesome FX makeup which would have had Billy Halleck (Robert John Burke)’s flesh dangling off his protruding jaw and cheekbones. Partway into filming they decided that this look was too horrific.

Depending upon the stage of his character’s deterioration, Robert John Burke had to spend four to six hours each day in the makeup chair.

The Three Musketeers (1993) Recap

Jamie

The Three Musketeers was my personal favorite of the picks for this Now a Major Motion Picture cycle. There are three keys to getting a perfect Now a Major Motion Picture media tie-in edition of a book. First, it has to say something like “Now a Major Motion Picture” on the front cover. Second, it has to have a picture of the actors on the cover (or at the very least a version of the poster for the film). Third, and potentially most important, it has to have the credits for the film on the back cover. If you get those three things you have a perfect media tie-in. The Three Musketeers had all three of these (so as I read I could gander at Keifer Sutherland’s beautiful face) while also being the unabridged version of a classic. A classic from which the adaptation depicted on the cover deviates significantly. My short review of the book: it’s fun! Like an old school adventure novel. Has the feel of almost improvisation at times which is probably because, like the Bad Movie Twins story, it was being written as a serial. Really fun.

To recap, our boy D’Artagnan is heading on to grand Paris to join up with the Musketeers. Unbeknownst to him Cardinal Richelieu has used his influence over the young King Louis XIII to disband the Musketeers… all but three (but which three, I wonder). Arriving in Paris he immediately gets into it with Athos, Porthos and Aramis and finds himself in a duel with them. This is rudely interrupted by the Cardinal’s guards and D’Artagnan acquits himself quite well dueling them. Unfortunately he is captured as more guards arrive. After escaping his cell, D’Artagnan overhears a plan by the Cardinal to form a treaty with the Duke of Buckingham with the ultimate goal to supplant the King. After being sentenced to death, D’Artagnan is rescued by the Three Musketeers, who boldly ride off in a big ol’ action set piece. They agree that they should intercept the treaty and save the day. When they are attacked by the Cardinal’s forces, the gang splits up and eventually D’Artagnan falls into the clutches of Milady. Bum bum bum. He is smitten because she is so beautiful and evil. Eventually the Three Musketeers capture her and the treaty and she reveals the Cardinal’s plot to assassinate the King before throwing herself from a cliff. Athos is devastated because she was so beautiful and evil. They all rally the Musketeers across the land and arrive at the King’s birthday celebration just in time to interrupt the assassination. They fight a whole bunch. They kill people left and right and are almost killed themselves. Eventually they win and D’Artagnan becomes a Musketeer and wins the heart of his beautiful and good lady love. THE END.

I can’t change who I am. This movie is fun and all them critics are a bunch of Debby Downers wanting us to watch The Remains of the Day or whatever. “Why do we need another Three Musketeers adaptation?” they cry. I’ll tell you why. Fun. The book is a gosh darn adventure classic and you’re like, ‘nah’? Get out of here with that. Now, is this a perfect movie? Alas, no. The cadre of actors they got for these parts are not exactly suited to the King’s English. The lines flow like molasses as they work their way through them. Rebecca De Morney has been good in some things (Never Talk to Strangers, anyone?). This is not one of them. Kill two birds with one stone and update the language, my guys. Then you’d have an answer for the reason the adaptation exists (besides being fun). You make it cool because the book is cool and it deserved a cool 90’s blockbuster adaptation. Anyway, I’ll leave you with this little hot take: I think Chris O’Donnell is actually very well cast in this. In fact the casting is great. It’s just that they didn’t do anyone any favors by trying to make they speak all old fashioned.

Patrick?

Patrick

‘Ello everyone! *gif of me swashbuckling around and wenching haaaaard* let’s go!

The Good? C’mon now, that cast! How did this movie claim a $30 million budget and that cast! The downside is Platt and Curry appear to be the only ones who know what movie they are in. The upside being Oliver Platt! Just wall the wall clowning around. This walked so Marvel could run. Sutherland appears to think he’s in a deathly serious adaptation of a classic piece of literature. Platt knows he’s doing a bit of buffoonery. The movie is just fun. It is genuinely like Pirate of the Caribbean. It seems it just took a while for the critics to get on the same wavelength.

The Bad? I guess, some might call the accent work non-existent because it is, and thus as an adaptation of one of our great works of literature it is an abomination. I would not be that person. I would be a person who would say Tim Curry, love the guy, but hooooo boy, it is maybe just a little too over the top for me. And De Mornay is something of a charisma black hole (although something tells me they hired her as Milady for a different reason…). This is tough because I liked the film, but I do see why in the early ‘90s critics would be like, “No no no! This is not how it is done!”

The BMT? In previous years there were basically two axes on which to judge BMT. Horribleness and Ridiculousness. A ridiculous movie would be something like Battlefield Earth. And a horrible movie would be something like Gods and Generals. Now Gods and Generals isn’t really considered BMT, it is considered Bad. So what is the equivalent for Good? Well, that’s the new category: gifability. This film is good, but it is also amazingly gifable at the same time. Porthos in particular is a gif machine. It is something you have to see to believe.

Rewatchable? For what’s aged the best I think just letting the actors use their own accents is an underrated choice. It is something maybe people should consider revisiting. It probably makes making the movie cheaper as well. Let Kiefer Kiefer, you know? The heat check in the movie I think is Julie Delphy, it is a bit jarring to realize she’s in it. The “that guy” award goes to Michael Wincott who has been in several BMT and BMT adjacent films from that era, like 1492, The Crow, and Along Came a Spider. And finally obviously Tim Curry gets the overacting award.

Amazingly we do not get a Planchet award. The character doesn’t even appear. I think he was replaced by the rando who keeps trying to duel D’Artagnan and mostly just looks pale and laughs dumbly at him before being embarrassed. Setting as a Character (Where?) sure, for Paris. And I guess for the time we have a Secret Holiday Film (When?) for the king’s birthday which, at least in England, would certainly be considered a holiday. But that is it. The film is Good and I’ll duel anyone who dares suggest otherwise.

Cheers,

The Sklogs

The Three Musketeers (1993) Preview

“So it’s like the Bad Movie Twins meets Frankenstein and the Wolfman?” Patrick’s new publisher Richard Computer says, a look of intense concentration on his face. Uncertain about how his improvised pitch is going, Jamie takes off his glasses and sighs deeply, hoping to lend an air of gravitas to everything he’s saying. “Frankenstein’s monster actually,” he corrects. Richard turns and looks out the window, saying with a tone of disappointment in his voice, “Yes, well, unfortunately Frankenstein’s monster is out this season. If it were Frankenstein I might be more interested. As for Wolfmen, well they haven’t been in since 1994.” At that Richard laughs heartily and Jamie curses his bad luck. Patrick jumps in, annoyed at Jamie’s gaffe. “Yes, well really the monsters are only a minor aspect of the story. In fact, I think my co-author here forgot that we removed them entirely in the latest draft,” Patrick really gives Jamie the stink eye as he says that. Richard looks skeptical, but eventually leans back in his chair, “continue.” Jamie launches into a jazz-like riff on the exact length of the novel and how the chapters are laid out. “The chapters are exactly the length for optimal satisfaction. Not too long. Not too short. Bee-dee-doo-bah-doo-bop.” Patrick is aghast. “Mannequins,” Kyle says suddenly while spinning a globe idly in the corner. “Excuse me?” Richard asks, now truly confused. “Patrick, who are these people? Where is your book? You do have a book, don’t you? Because we gave you a pretty hefty advance on this.” The vibes in the room are not good and Patrick has to think fast. “I’m sorry, Richard,” Patrick starts as Jamie holds his breath, “I think you misunderstand what is happening here. We are The Three Musketeers.” And with that, he begins. That’s right! We’re are watching the 1993 mousterpiece The Three Musketeers. I only know this from the dope cover of my media tie-in edition of a stone cold classic. My beautiful boys looking up at me while I read. It’s perfect. Let’s go!

The Three Musketeers (1993) – BMeTric: 20.9; Notability: 46

StreetCreditReport.com – BMeTric: top 22.4%; Notability: top 3.6%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 21.6%; Higher BMeT: Super Mario Bros., RoboCop 3, Jason Goes to Hell: The Final Friday, Look Who’s Talking Now, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III, Mr. Nanny, Body of Evidence, Cop & ½, Beethoven’s 2nd, Sliver, Weekend at Bernie’s II, Even Cowgirls Get the Blues, Boxing Helena, Son of the Pink Panther, The Beverly Hillbillies, Made in America, Carnosaur, Pumpkinhead II: Blood Wings, Surf Ninjas, Boiling Point, and 36 more; Higher Notability: Sister Act 2: Back in the Habit, Rising Sun, Life with Mikey, The Meteor Man, Loaded Weapon 1, Son of the Pink Panther, RoboCop 3, For Love or Money, Super Mario Bros.; Lower RT: Look Who’s Talking Now, Warlock: The Armageddon, Mr. Nanny, Son of the Pink Panther, Body of Evidence, RoboCop 3, Hexed, Best of the Best II, Ghost in the Machine, Father Hood, Calendar Girl, Weekend at Bernie’s II, My Boyfriend’s Back, Only the Strong, Fatal Instinct, Cop & ½, Ernest Rides Again, Jason Goes to Hell: The Final Friday, Another Stakeout, Boxing Helena, and 32 more; Notes: We have a perfect split, 10/20 top BMeT films watched. But I’m really quite enamored with the idea of eventually doing Sister Act 2. That had the highest Notability? That feels really crazy. Only played 13 times on television in the ‘90s, mostly on the Disney channel (naturally), probably because it was somewhat violent and a full throated 2 hours long.

RogerEbert.com – 2 stars – Is there a compelling need for another version of “The Three Musketeers?” The first task of the new version would be to convince us the answer is yes – and this new “Musketeers” never does. It must have been great fun to make it (what young actor doesn’t want to dash around on horseback and engage in swashbuckling swordfights?), but it’s not that much fun to watch. It’s all sound and energy, without plan or meaning.

(I mean, sure. A little like the Ben-Hur film from 2016 I guess. My counter? The film is just fun! And I think making a “Disney” version of a major swashbuckling novel, a novel children can and could not read for the most part, is argument enough. I think the question is actually inverted. Have we made a children’s version of The Three Musketeers yet? No? Then let’s do it.)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FMy1TFRF8Lk/

(YES, A VHS TRAILER. There is certainly a lot of killing and smooching in this Disney film. If I’m not mistaken they are using the Goonies theme in the background? At least something really close to it. I really really remember the Platt waxing his sword around … was this on some clamshell VHS we owned?)

Directors – Stephen Herek – ( Known For: Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure; 101 Dalmatians; Rock Star; Mr. Holland’s Opus; Critters; Our Little Secret; Afterlife of the Party; Dog Gone; The Great Gilly Hopkins; The Chaperone; Future BMT: Don’t Tell Mom the Babysitter’s Dead; Life or Something Like It; Man of the House; Holy Man; BMT: The Mighty Ducks; The Three Musketeers; Notes: Wow, he did The Mighty Ducks as well. He was churning out Disney hits. If anything him directing Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure makes him a legend.)

Writers – Alexandre Dumas – ( Known For: The Count of Monte Cristo; The Count of Monte-Cristo; The Three Musketeers – Part I: D’Artagnan; The Three Musketeers; Queen Margot; The Four Musketeers; The Three Musketeers – Part II: Milady; The Three Musketeers; The Return of the Musketeers; The Count of Monte Cristo; The Black Tulip; The Man in the Iron Mask; Black Magic; The Iron Mask; The Count of Monte Cristo; The Three Musketeers; The Son of Monte Cristo; The Fifth Musketeer; The Corsican Brothers; The Return of the Musketeers, or The Treasures of Cardinal Mazarin; Future BMT: The Man in the Iron Mask; BMT: The Three Musketeers; The Three Musketeers; The Musketeer; Notes: HA. Well, we are almost done with the Musketeer series. A wonder if it the only series to produce a bad film I suppose.)

David Loughery – ( Known For: Lakeview Terrace; Dreamscape; Fatale; Nurse; End of the Road; Shattered; Blindsided; Flashback; Future BMT: Passenger 57; Obsessed; Tom and Huck; BMT: Star Trek V: The Final Frontier; The Three Musketeers; The Intruder; Notes: Flashback is funny because I’ve been annotating adverts in the New York Times and you see the craziest films you’ve never heard of with full page advertisements. That was one of them. Another Kiefer naturally. Also funny to see connections. He wrote three episodes of Time Trax, an obscure Australian show from 1993. They also produced the Bill & Ted series in 1992. Could that be why Herek hired him? This is their only overlap in general though.)

Actors – Charlie Sheen – ( Known For: Platoon; Ferris Bueller’s Day Off; Being John Malkovich; Wall Street; Hot Shots!; Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps; Hot Shots! Part Deux; Badlands; Major League; Young Guns; Red Dawn; The Arrival; Eight Men Out; The Chase; The Wraith; Lucas; Foodfight!; Beyond the Law; Good Advice; Cadence; Future BMT: Due Date; Scary Movie 3; Scary Movie 4; Machete Kills; Loaded Weapon 1; Money Talks; The Rookie; Men at Work; The Big Bounce; Madea’s Witness Protection; All Dogs Go to Heaven 2; Shadow Conspiracy; BMT: Scary Movie 5; The Three Musketeers; Major League II; Navy Seals; Terminal Velocity; Notes: Nominated for four Emmys for Two and a Half Men. Yeah we have a ton of his films to go. Too bad The Chase isn’t one of them, it is at 43% on Rotten Tomatoes.)

Kiefer Sutherland – ( Known For: Stand by Me; A Few Good Men; Phone Booth; Dark City; Melancholia; A Time to Kill; Monsters vs. Aliens; The Lost Boys; Juror #2; Twin Peaks: Fire Walk with Me; Flatliners; Young Guns; They Cloned Tyrone; The Contractor; Freeway; The Vanishing; At Close Range; Twin Peaks: The Missing Pieces; The Reluctant Fundamentalist; Forsaken; Future BMT: Mirrors; Taking Lives; The Sentinel; The Wild; Eye for an Eye; The Cowboy Way; Renegades; The Nutcracker Prince; BMT: Pompeii; Zoolander 2; The Three Musketeers; Flatliners; Young Guns II; Marmaduke; Notes: Nominated 11 times for Emmys for acting and producing 24. For the fifth season they won both lead actor and best series. Which seems crazy. I watched all those. I suppose that was probably the Itzin year which was indeed probably the best end-to-end season they had.)

Chris O’Donnell – ( Known For: Scent of a Woman; Fried Green Tomatoes; Vertical Limit; Kinsey; School Ties; Cookie’s Fortune; Circle of Friends; Blue Sky; Kit Kittredge: An American Girl; A Little Help; Men Don’t Leave; 29 Palms; The Sisters; Future BMT: The Bachelor; Cats & Dogs: The Revenge of Kitty Galore; Mad Love; BMT: Batman & Robin; Batman Forever; Max Payne; The Three Musketeers; The Chamber; In Love and War; Notes: Strange actor. Definitively a leading man in the ‘90s, and eventually just settled into 323 episodes of NCIS: Los Angeles. The funniest part being in the cross-over soft pilot for NCIS: Los Angeles he’s basically killed at the end. Naturally he comes back, but they clearly anticipated maybe having to recast with a different lead.)

Budget/Gross – $30 million / Domestic: $53,898,845 (Worldwide: $53,898,845)

(Hooooooooooooooo doggie. First of all, that budget? I don’t believe you. Have you seen this cast? That’s absurd and insulting. But my god that box office take? How doesn’t this get a worldwide release? What are we doing here Disney? What are you thinking? This is truly mind exploding. Wikipedia claims it just creeped over $100 million worldwide based off a Variety article from 1994 which I do not have access to. Curious.)

Rotten Tomatoes – 31% (9/29): Its starry trio of do-gooders may promise to fight “one for all, all for one,” but this Three Musketeers is a slickly unmemorable update bound to satisfy very few.

(That isn’t unfair. I do think by being a mismash of ideas mostly from other adaptations (and not the book) you do end up with something that isn’t memorable beyond a series of insane gifs generated by Platt’s antics.)

Reviewer Highlight: All this nonsense would be news to Dumas, whose grave is surely spinning as his musketeers – sucked dry of high drama and low wit – go kicking and screaming into the wonderful world of Disney. – Peter Travers, Rolling Stone

Poster – The Two Sklogsketeers

(Hey that’s the cover of my book. Like Krippendorf’s Tribe’s all white poster, there are general color schemes that I’m not super into. A mostly black poster is one of them. I want something a little more interesting. And speaking along those lines, this is just too generic to get excited about. Sure the layout is fine, but where’s the zazz, you know? C)

Tagline(s) – All for one and one for all! (C)

A place of betrayal. The fate of a king. A time for heroes. (B+)

(The first one is more of a requirement than a tagline. The second I’m more into. A set of three. I like the second and third. Could use a little wordplay. I also am bumping up against the first one a little. A place of betrayal… I’m not sure I know what they are going for there. But I applaud the effort.)

Keyword(s) – imdb-keyword-based-on-novel;based-on-book

Best Options (Action): 72.6 Zoom (2006), 50.0 Kull: The Conqueror (1997), 49.9 King Solomon’s Mines (1985), 46.5 The Rhythm Section (2020), 44.4 That Darn Cat (1997), 44.2 The Divergent Series: Allegiant (2016), 44.1 Boiling Point (1993), 42.9 Yor: The Hunter from the Future (1983), 42.8 Pan (2015), 41.1 V.I. Warshawski (1991), 41.0 The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen (2003), 40.7 The Mortal Instruments: City of Bones (2013), 39.4 Stroker Ace (1983), 38.9 When Time Ran Out… (1980), 38.4 Desperate Hours (1990), 38.4 Cirque du Freak: The Vampire’s Assistant (2009), 37.3 Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter (2012), 36.6 Air America (1990), 35.3 The Fan (1996), 34.9 Hero and the Terror (1988), 33.8 The Time Machine (2002), 31.5 The Getaway (1994), 31.0 Van Helsing (2004), 30.6 Mortal Engines (2018), 30.3 Sahara (2005), 29.2 The Sentinel (2006), 29.1 The Girl in the Spider’s Web (2018), 27.8 The Divergent Series: Insurgent (2015), 27.7 Inferno (2016), 27.7 The Legend of Tarzan (2016), 27.6 Jack Reacher: Never Go Back (2016), 27.6 Next (2007), 27.1 American Assassin (2017), 26.9 Trapped (2002), 26.7 The Eagle (2011), 26.7 The Saint (1997), 25.6 Miracle at St. Anna (2008), 24.6 King Arthur (2004), 23.8 The November Man (2014), 23.5 Revenge (1990), 23.5 Proof of Life (2000), 22.3 Year of the Gun (1991), 21.7 The Jackal (1997), 21.0 Malone (1987), 20.9 The Three Musketeers (1993), …

(Sahara was on the radar, but as far as Dirk novels go it is kind of in the middle of the series. Same with Reacher. A lot of these are borderline (League of Extraordinary Gentlemen), or wouldn’t have a “Now a Major Motion Picture” book available. This one did though and is a classic in its own way.)

Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 16) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Chris O’Donnell is No. 1 billed in The Three Musketeers and No. 2 billed in In Love and War, which also stars Sandra Bullock (No. 1 billed) who is in Demolition Man (No. 3 billed) which also stars Sylvester Stallone (No. 1 billed) who is in The Expendables 3 (No. 1 billed) which also stars Jason Statham (No. 2 billed) who is in In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale (No. 1 billed) which also stars Leelee Sobieski (No. 3 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 1 billed) => (1 + 2) + (1 + 3) + (1 + 1) + (2 + 1) + (3 + 1) = 16. If we were to watch Eye for an Eye we can get the HoE Number down to 12.

Notes – Kiefer Sutherland, Chris O’Donnell, and Oliver Platt all endured six weeks of fencing and riding lessons. Charlie Sheen missed out on all of this, as he was then embroiled in the filming of Hot Shots! Part Deux (1993).

The dungeon scenes were filmed at Seegrotte, Austria, an old mine which was flooded early in 1900s due to an underground water source and was later used by the Nazi’s during World War II to conduct military research. The site is now open to the public and famous for its underground lake. The scene decoration of one of the prison cells, as well as the dragon-head boat are still kept intact at Seegrotte and can be visited.

After filming, Chris O’Donnell kept his sword. He jokingly claims this was by accident.

Mostly shot in Perchtoldsdorf, Austria, where Rebecca De Mornay attended high school and college.

Gabrielle Anwar was pregnant during filming and had to have her costumes let out.

Awards – Nominee for the Razzie Award for Worst Supporting Actor (Chris O’Donnell)

Krippendorf’s Tribe Recap

Jamie

A book cycle! A book cycle after the website has been a disaster area for like a year! What a mistake. We’ll see how long I actually am able to keep up with the reading of the books. Krippendorf’s Tribe was pretty easy. It’s a fantastically short satire of academia. I started it and I found it unpleasant. Mostly because the main character kind of sucked. But guess what? That was kind of the point. So as the book went on and got darker and darker I started to surprise myself by actually digging it. By the time the family is committing cannibalism and our “hero” is fleeing the country with his kids-turned-savages to presumably live out their days in the Amazonian jungle, I understood how it was that someone, somewhere felt like it would make a great movie. Why that movie had to be a heart warming tale starring Richard Dreyfuss? Not sure I understand that part yet.

To recap, James Krippendorf is a respected anthropologist and member of an all-star husband-wife team who have integrated the lives of their three kids into their explorations. After his wife dies, though, Krippendorf is lost. So lost that he spends the rest of their grant money on just keeping his family afloat. When the chickens come home to roost and he is expected to present the work he never completed on a lost tribe of New Guinea he never found, he does what any self respecting academic would do: make it all up. The showman to his wife’s brilliant researcher, he soon has everyone enraptured. Unfortunately they are too enraptured, as he gets roped into more lectures and a rising faculty member (and unabashed fan of his), Veronica, gets him tied up with a science-as-entertainment TV producer. So he finds himself having to produce more and more fake tribe content, including dressing his kids up in brownface and (hold onto your hats) having sex with Veronica on video to show off the mating rituals of the tribe… eeeeesh. Meanwhile a colleague of his sets out to expose the lie. This all culminates in his appearance on a TV dressed as the Chief of the Shelmikedmu and his subsequent winning of a large grant where both he and the Chief will appear. Veronica, peeved by the sex video, nonetheless agrees to help in exchange for half of the grant and helps keep up the ruse long enough for Krippendorf’s colleague to excitedly fax from New Guinea that there is no tribe. Everything falls apart… that is, until the colleague calls back and acknowledges that in fact she did find the Shelmikedmu. This was of course set up by Krippendorf’s daughter who pulled some favors with a nearby tribe who she had close ties to. THE END.

I feel like my opinion of this is painted a little by my unexpected love of the book. It’s just so much darker and I kind of wish that they went that way with it. You can even see it a little in other Dreyfuss performances. What About Bob? is a great example of Dreyfuss as insane person. I think he could have played that great. Chaos all around him while he pedantically explains it all away and people lap it up. But this is a pretty broad comedy that ended up kind of making a joke of the original satire. Is that why it got bad reviews? Because reviewers were angry that it didn’t live up to the biting satire of the source material. No. They didn’t like that it was racist mostly. And they seemed upset that Dreyfuss would do it. I will say that the fact that Elfman and Dreyfuss said yes to this insanity certainly elevated it. Dreyfuss is pretty physical as a comedian in this and so maybe that’s what attracted him to it. He got to act wild. Surprisingly middling for a film I presumed would be horrific.

Patrick?

Patrick

‘Ello everyone! *gif of me dancing around in blackface in a major motion picture in 1998* Let’s go!

The Good? The film is a little more heartwarming and the characters a little more quirky that one would initially give it credit for I think. Specifically, the whole family dynamic I think is quite nicely underplayed but also fairly nice how things get worked through in the end. And Elfman’s character in particular is just the right level of weird anthropologist groupie (?) / kind of game for the hoax and a publicity hungry crazy person that the romance works a lot better than you could ever think it could. These days she’d definitely be a buttoned-up person who only lets loose in the end.

The Bad? Uh … the blackface. I mentioned it in my intro. Five separate people dress in blackface. There is a whole section which is deeply offensive. It is only slightly saved by also having a real New Guinea tribe they are friends with that they are mostly just riffing on. Still though, hard to get past. Oh, and the rape scene. We’ll get to that in a second.

The BMT? I mean, yeah, one of the weirdest films ever made. And obviously deeply problematic and not funny. There isn’t really any other way to describe it but as an ultra weird film I watched as a kid. What do you think our parents thought watching this film? I wonder. I bet they have zero recollection of watching this film.

The Rewatchables? Might as well steal from the best. What’s aged the worst? The rape scene duh! They have a whole scene where Dreyfuss gets a woman drunk and then secretly films having sex with her. Whooooooops! The “That Guy” Award for Mac’s mother from It’s Always Sunny. Also Happy Gilmore’s grandmother as well. The Overacting Award goes to Elfman for the scene where she is pretending to be drunk (rough). And we get a wild Needle Drop in the middle of the film and over the credits for the Mighty Mighty Bosstones.

I took an extended break from my AI explorations, but I’m going to get back to it soon. The current key will probably focus on embeddings. In particular, there are a few huggingface models (models–google–vit-base-patch16-224 and models–openai–clip-vit-base-patch32 in particular) which I think I can get working a bit to try and see what I can see as far as one of my main goals in this cycle: Embed a bunch of movie posters and then try and find ones that match a specific but hard-to-articulate concept. Namely, can I find posters that utilize the same conceit as the For Your Eyes Only poster: you are looking through a woman’s legs. This one would be close, for example. Stay tuned.

Let’s go Early Role (Who?) for Mila Kunis who pops up as a girl at the science fair who is participating in the son’s tribal demonstration. Best Product Placement (What?) THERE IS AN ENTIRE SCENE IN McDONALD’S AAAAAND AN ENTIRE SCENE IN BEST BUY. Stop the presses. This is an unprecedented level of product placement. This film must have made bank. Setting as a Character (Where?) I’m pretty sure they are supposed to be in New York based on a few flags that are around, a choice I’m guessing was solely based on Natasha Lyonne’s crazy thick New York accent. We have an Exact Date (When?) of April 7, 1997 when the film starts. And Worst Twist (How?) for the inevitable conclusion that the daughter got the tribe they are friends with to pretend to be the Shelmikedmu Tribe to save them in the end. The film is BMT through and through, just wild and crazy stuff.

Cheerios,

The Sklogs

Krippendorf’s Tribe Preview

After spending a year in Hallston, it’s now time to get back to work. Patrick, Jamie and Kyle triple crack their knuckles and cozy up in their Brooklyn apartment rocking only the bulkiest of cable knit sweaters. “This is great!” Patrick exclaims sharpening a pencil. “Sure is!” Jamie agrees, testing out an eraser or two. “So what is this book about?” Kyle asks, spoiling the fun. Just when they were supposed to be completing Platonic Solids Series Part III: Cubey or Not Cubey they have found themselves confronted with the most dreaded Platonic Solid of them all… writer’s block. So far they had written one sentence: “Having consummated her swamp monster marriage to Kelton with some sweet swamp monster love in the Boggy Lands, Jewel was shocked to learn…” Learn what? The obvious answer was that she was pregnant, but their millions of fans had already predicted this online. They need a real twist-em-up or else Part III would never live up to the greatest finale a book series has ever seen. Kyle starts to form his lips in what looks suspiciously like the start of the word “mannequin” and Jamie and Patrick shush him preemptively. They distract themselves by picking up the mail and Patrick starts sweating bullets. Turns out, a year ago Patrick had promised to produce a new, rocking novel in exchange for pushing the release of Platonic Solids Series Part III. “When’s it due?” Jamie asks. Patrick gulps. “Tomorrow,” he rasps. What are they gonna do?! Suddenly Jamie has a thought. “What if we did write a new novel last year? And what if it’s rocking?” He quickly throws a blank cover on a copy of Platonic Solids Series Part I and scribbles on the front. “Bad Movie Tribe.” Patrick and Kyle are baffled. That’s right! New Year, new us? I’m not sure. All I’m sure about is that we are finally(?) watching the Dreyfuss classic Krippendorf’s Tribe. Based on a book that is now a major motion picture, I guess the best thing you can say about it is that it’s probably not as offensive as Soul Man, right? Right?! Let’s go!

Krippendorf’s Tribe (1998) – BMeTric: 41.1; Notability: 35

StreetCreditReport.com – BMeTric: top 8.8%; Notability: top 14.4%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 12.6%; Higher BMeT: The Avengers, 3 Ninjas: High Noon at Mega Mountain, Species II, I Still Know What You Did Last Summer, The Patriot, Lost in Space, Holy Man, Knock Off, Ringmaster, Major League: Back to the Minors, Godzilla, Air Bud: Golden Receiver, Barney’s Great Adventure, Jack Frost, Phantoms, Urban Legend, Home Fries, Tale of the Mummy, Legionnaire, My Giant, and 2 more; Higher Notability: 54, Godzilla, Patch Adams, U.S. Marshals, Goodbye Lover, The Waterboy, Mercury Rising, Mafia!, My Giant, Jack Frost, Senseless, Disturbing Behavior, Just the Ticket, Practical Magic, Half Baked, The Avengers, The Replacement Killers, The Odd Couple II, Lulu on the Bridge, Lost in Space, and 16 more; Lower RT: 3 Ninjas: High Noon at Mega Mountain, A Murder of Crows, The Curve, Lulu on the Bridge, The Avengers, Almost Heroes, Tarzan and the Lost City, Senseless, Strangeland, Species II, Phantoms, Knock Off, I Still Know What You Did Last Summer, Woo, Meet the Deedles, The Proposition, A Night at the Roxbury, Firestorm, Hush, Holy Man, and 11 more; Notes: We’ve watches 11 of the top 20 (and 7 of the top 10) for BMeT. Holy Man, being an Eddie Murphy film, is quite the blind spot. The Notability is impressive on this one, feels really rather small, right? It is just his family and Jenna Elfman basically.

RogerEbert.com – 2 stars – Is it possible to recommend a whole comedy on the basis of one scene that made you laugh almost uncontrollably? I fear not. And yet “Krippendorf’s Tribe” has such a scene, and many comedies have none. I was reminded of the dead parakeet that had its head taped back on, in “Dumb And Dumber.” A scene like that can redeem a lot of down time.

(I would never ever have guessed that that scene, for Roger Ebert, was the circumcision scene. He is very forgiving of a film I mostly remember as featuring a scene that would certainly be considered rape by today’s standards.)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_yZ2AKzt4IE/

(I mean … the trailer looks deeply offensive. What the fuck were we doing in 1998? How did this get past the planning stages? How did multiple people dress up in blackface and no one be like “wait a second…”)

Directors – Todd Holland – ( Future BMT: Firehouse Dog; BMT: The Wizard; Krippendorf’s Tribe; Notes: Directed and produced a lot of Malcolm in the Middle. He is very much a television director.)

Writers – Frank Parkin – ( Notes: The writer of the book. I honestly am stunned he got a credit, but I guess when you use such a distinctive name it is unavoidable. Also these things did feel a little more clear cut in the 90s.)

Charlie Peters – ( Known For: Three Men and a Little Lady; 5 Flights Up; My One and Only; Music from Another Room; Kiss Me Goodbye; Passed Away; Paternity; Future BMT: My Father the Hero; Her Alibi; BMT: Blame It on Rio; Krippendorf’s Tribe; Hot to Trot; Notes: My god, Blame it on Rio and Paternity. This guy is a legend (in my very specific bad movie / obscure movie circle).)

Actors – Richard Dreyfuss – ( Known For: Jaws; Stand by Me; RED; The Graduate; Close Encounters of the Third Kind; Polar; American Graffiti; Piranha 3D; What About Bob?; James and the Giant Peach; The American President; W.; Mr. Holland’s Opus; Always; Book Club; Stakeout; Leaves of Grass; Rosencrantz & Guildenstern Are Dead; Down and Out in Beverly Hills; Postcards from the Edge; Future BMT: Paranoia; My Life in Ruins; Another Stakeout; Let It Ride; The Crew; Silent Fall; Sweetwater; BMT: Poseidon; Krippendorf’s Tribe; Mad Dog Time; Notes: Notably considered an asshole. And amazingly was then hired to play a character who is, himself, quite an asshole. How fitting. Won and Oscar for The Goodbye Girl. Was nominated for Mr. Holland’s Opus.)

Jenna Elfman – ( Known For: Friends with Benefits; Doctor Dolittle; Grosse Pointe Blank; Can’t Hardly Wait; Keeping the Faith; Edtv; Looney Tunes: Back in Action; Barry; The Six Wives of Henry Lefay; Big Stone Gap; Love Hurts; Clifford’s Really Big Movie; BMT: Krippendorf’s Tribe; Town & Country; Notes: We talking Dharma? She was a strangely prolific actress in the late 90s. She was in 75 episodes of Fear the Walking Dead. So she’s still working. You can tell her career took off rather late because Elfman is her married name. She was Jenna Butala earlier.)

Natasha Lyonne – ( Known For: Glass Onion; American Pie; Uncut Gems; American Pie 2; Ad Astra; American Reunion; The Fantastic Four: First Steps; Robots; Kate & Leopold; DC League of Super-Pets; Sleeping with Other People; But I’m a Cheerleader; Detroit Rock City; Honey Boy; Everyone Says I Love You; Irresistible; Hello, My Name Is Doris; The Bad Guys 2; His Three Daughters; A Futile and Stupid Gesture; Future BMT: Blade: Trinity; Scary Movie 2; Dennis the Menace; BMT: Krippendorf’s Tribe; Smurfs; Show Dogs; Notes: She’s been nominated for five Emmys (for Poker Face, Russian Doll, and Orange is the New Black). I completely forgot she plays the daughter in this film.)

Budget/Gross – N/A / Domestic: $7,571,115 (Worldwide: $7,571,115)

(Truly the budget is unknown. I don’t think $7 million is going to cut it though.)

Rotten Tomatoes – 17% (7/41)

(Considering it is so poorly received it is amazing there are only two major reviews for the film. Was this like … barley released or something. How did we end up watching it I wonder.)

Reviewer Highlight: Krippendorf’s Tribe, a surprisingly enjoyable piece of piffle, is pure Disney all the way, replete with a wholly preposterous plot, engaging performances and a feel-good, lesson-teaching ending. – Mike Clark, USA Today

Poster – Sklogindorf’s Tribe

(I will never forget this poster for as long as I live. It was the cover of the VHS tape and it’s striking. Ugly as shit, but striking. I hate the sheer amount of white on the cover and pretty much everything about it, but you can’t deny it draws the eye. C.)

Tagline(s) – The last undiscovered tribe is about to expose themselves. (B)

(Obviously this is a play on Dreyfuss being nearly nude on the poster. But it also kind of plays on the fact that a sex tape plays a role in the plot. It’s too long and the double entendre just isn’t fun enough to draw you in (unless you happen to be drawn to Dreyfuss potentially appearing nude in the film. But it’s an A for effort.)

Keyword(s) – imdb-keyword-based-on-novel;based-on-book

Future BMT: 74.8 The Turning (2020), 72.5 Zoom (2006), 69.6 Gulliver’s Travels (2010), 67.3 Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen (2004), 66.3 102 Dalmatians (2000), 65.2 Diary of a Wimpy Kid: The Long Haul (2017), 64.2 Valentine (2001), 57.9 The NeverEnding Story II: The Next Chapter (1990), 55.5 Hanging Up (2000), 55.3 Eye of the Beholder (1999), 55.2 Snow Dogs (2002), 54.3 The Divorce (2003), 53.9 Abandon (2002), 53.3 The Stepford Wives (2004), 52.4 Addicted (2014), 50.8 Freedomland (2006), 50.0 Kull: The Conqueror (1997), 49.9 King Solomon’s Mines (1985), 49.5 Thomas and the Magic Railroad (2000), 48.7 The Jungle Book 2 (2003)

BMT: Battlefield Earth (2000), Dragonball Evolution (2009), Cats (2019), Left Behind (2014), Fifty Shades of Grey (2015), Jaws 3-D (1983), One Missed Call (2008), Fifty Shades Darker (2017), Fifty Shades Freed (2018), The Bye Bye Man (2017), The Twilight Saga: New Moon (2009), Striptease (1996), The Island of Dr. Moreau (1996), The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1 (2011), Firestarter (2022), Tarot (2024), Meg 2: The Trench (2023), The Haunting (1999), Fair Game (1995), Eragon (2006), After We Fell (2021), North (1994), Monkeybone (2001), The Rage: Carrie 2 (1999), Conan the Barbarian (2011), After Ever Happy (2022), Exorcist: The Beginning (2004), An American Haunting (2005), The Snowman (2017), The Seeker: The Dark Is Rising (2007), Sliver (1993), Pinocchio (2002), The Musketeer (2001), Shanghai Surprise (1986), Get Carter (2000), Exit to Eden (1994), After (2019), Alex Cross (2012), Queen of the Damned (2002), Congo (1995), One for the Money (2012), The Ring Two (2005), The Circle (2017), Return to the Blue Lagoon (1991), Bless the Child (2000), Endless Love (1981), Babylon A.D. (2008), Dreamcatcher (2003), …

Best Options (Comedy): 72.5 Zoom (2006), 69.6 Gulliver’s Travels (2010), 67.3 Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen (2004), 66.3 102 Dalmatians (2000), 65.2 Diary of a Wimpy Kid: The Long Haul (2017), 55.5 Hanging Up (2000), 55.2 Snow Dogs (2002), 54.3 The Divorce (2003), 53.3 The Stepford Wives (2004), 49.9 King Solomon’s Mines (1985), 49.5 Thomas and the Magic Railroad (2000), 48.7 The Jungle Book 2 (2003), 46.5 Sherlock Gnomes (2018), 46.0 Surviving Christmas (2004), 45.1 King Ralph (1991), 44.4 That Darn Cat (1997), 42.8 Pan (2015), 42.6 Deal of the Century (1983), 42.2 What’s the Worst That Could Happen? (2001), 41.5 Judy Moody and the Not Bummer Summer (2011), 41.1 Krippendorf’s Tribe (1998), 41.0 V.I. Warshawski (1991), 40.5 Admission (2013), 40.5 101 Dalmatians (1996), …

(We were originally going to do What’s the Worst That Could Happen? But then we realized, what the hell are we thinking! Of course we have to do Krippendorf’s Tribe. It is apparently a very weird book to consider adapting into a film.)

Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 15) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Richard Dreyfuss is No. 1 billed in Krippendorf’s Tribe and No. 2 billed in Poseidon, which also stars Kurt Russell (No. 1 billed) who is in Tango & Cash (No. 2 billed) which also stars Sylvester Stallone (No. 1 billed) who is in The Expendables 3 (No. 1 billed) which also stars Jason Statham (No. 2 billed) who is in In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale (No. 1 billed) which also stars Leelee Sobieski (No. 3 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 1 billed) => (1 + 2) + (1 + 2) + (1 + 1) + (2 + 1) + (3 + 1) = 15. If we were to watch The Crew we can get the HoE Number down to 13.

Notes – On Twitter, Richard Dreyfuss wrote, “I had so much fun with Jenna Elfman during ‘Krippendorf’. The movie was not very good, but we had some fun.”

On the set of this film, Richard Dreyfuss was interviewed for The Making of ‘Close Encounters of the Third Kind’ (2001) and he appears in this feature length documentary in the make-up and costume of James Krippendorf.

Robin Williams was originally attached to play James Krippendorf.

When writing the novel upon which this movie is based, Frank Parkin named the protagonist and his family after Klaus Krippendorf, a renowned communications scholar best known for his work on the role of communication in social construction and design. Parkin himself was a highly-regarded sociologist.

When Jenna Elfman’s character Veronica sees a promo at Best Buy for the documentary, “The Life of the Shelmikedmu”, she walks by a customer holding a VHS copy of Stakeout (1987), another movie released by Touchstone Pictures that stars Richard Dreyfuss.

Dangerous Minds Recap

Jamie

Louanne Johnson is recently divorced and looking for work. She finds it teaching a class of low-income students. Through teaching poetry and boosting their confidence in themselves, she helps them find a voice. But can she help them in the classroom and get them off the streets before it’s too late? Find out in… Dangerous Minds.

How?! Louanne Johnson is fresh off a divorce and looking for a new start. Through a friend she gets hooked up with a job at Parkmont. Little does she know that she got the full time position mostly because they were having trouble filling it due to the low-income students in the class. But Louanne Johnson, former marine, doesn’t back down from the challenge and slowly earns the attention of the students by first teaching them karate, then rewarding them with treats, and finally speaking to them in the language of music and poetry. Soon she is building their confidence with new methods of grading and positive feedback and is reaping the rewards of finding some truly talented students amongst the group. However, all is not well. Her star student Callie is pregnant and is being pressured by the school to leave in order to attend a school geared more towards raising kids than schoolwork. Two other students are pulled out of school when their grandmother finds out they are studying poetry instead of learning something that might help them make money. Finally, Emelio, a troubled student, is threatened by a drug dealer and hides out with Louanne before trying to tell the principal of the school what’s happening. But when the principal turns him away he ends up getting shot and this sends Louanne into a tailspin. She decides to quit, but on the last day of school all the students band together and tell her how much she means to them. She ends up deciding to stay and everyone is happy. Hip hip hooray. THE END.

Why?! I mean… it’s not really a cynical movie, so that’s a positive. The motivation is teaching children and trying to make sure they have opportunities in life. While the focus is on the white teacher to the film’s detriment, it at least dispenses with any personal issues and all her thought, motivation, and strife comes from wanting to help the students.

Who?! This one is easy. Raymond and Richard Grant play Durrell and Lionel Benton, star pupils who are pulled out of school much to the dismay of LouAnne. They are actually twins (Twin Film Alert) and comprise the rap duo DJ Twinz. Uhhhhhhhhhhhh, yeah. That sound you hear is me listening to some DJ Twinz right now.

What?! Besides being a stellar advertisement for education and love (awww) it’s also got a pretty good advertisement for butterfingers as that is the candy of choice that LouAnne throws around as a reward for correct answers. Although I prefer the sweet taste of karate and expensive French dinners, the other rewards she uses in the film.

Where?! This is very much an LA film, which is fine, but also not necessarily always the most exciting since so many films are set there. This at least seems to have a reason. The real LouAnne Johnson taught in the LA area and more specifically there is an underlying commentary about the fact that the kids are being bussed in from a lower income neighborhood, only to be shuttled into a class where they are ignored (that is until LouAnne shows up). B+.

When?! This takes place over a school year more or less. We don’t really get much holiday talk or anything like that, and LouAnne is clearly a replacement teacher, so it’s possible that she took over in the new year and we see from Jan-June or something. Doesn’t really matter, this is basically a road trip through time. No specific timing. C.

It is perfectly possible to make an entertaining and engaging tale of helping high risk youths and still totally miss the mark. Beyond being just a cliche of the white savior trope, I think there is a real fundamental lack of familiarity with the world that is being portrayed that hamstrings the film from the jump. I would assume LouAnne Johnson’s book probably does a better job (I couldn’t get my hands on a copy in time to read it), but the film completely glosses over some of the most poignant and heartbreaking aspects of the children’s stories in favor of surface level stereotypes and instead spends an inordinate amount of time on the trials and tribulations of the white teacher. It’s hard to say anything more than that. Despite the good songs, engaging filmmaking, and good acting by Pfeiffer… this is not a good film. Just not in the typical BMT way of being a bad film. Patrick?

Patrick

‘Ello everyone! This week it was Louanne Johnson’s Dangerous Minds versus the Bad movie Twins beautiful minds. Friday night fights! Let’s go!

P’s View on the Preview – We’ve just been living in a gangster’s paradise. I think the legacy of the film is entirely tied up with maybe the most successful song-movie tie-in in history? Maybe a Will Smith song or The Bodyguard narrowly beats it out, but the Coolio track is basically I know (or need to know) about this movie. What were my expectations? Well, Ebert spelled it out in his review: white savior nonsense. If that is the biggest complaint I fear there won’t be much to like in the film.

The Good – Fear not, there were quite a few good things with this film. Like with Rising Sun it feels pretty gross to be like “well, besides the racism, the film was pretty good!” … but I guess here goes? The film is basically that classic Stand and Deliver or Lean on Me story. The visionary teacher comes in and gets these kids to learn (and learns a thing or two him/herself!), everyone cheers or the teacher gets fired, it depends on how cynical they want to be about the American education system. And you can do worse, Pfeiffer is solid in the lead role and it does a good job avoiding an unnecessary romance angle for her character. Best Bit: Pfeiffer.

The Bad – The biggest issue is probably Courtney B. Vance’s character. I’m not sure if it was his choice or explicitly laid out in the script or what, but his character might as well be named Feckless Principal. He ends up being some sort of cartoon metaphor for how “rules” and a lack of compassion have poisoned the American education system … or something. We’ll get to the issue with the portrayal of the education system i.e. “if only teachers cared more”. But then, yeah, this film is top-to-bottom a white savior tale. That really shouldn’t be dismissed. Fatal Flaw: White savior tale.

The BMT – This is a classic addition to the BMT Discography (not a section on the website …. yet) with Coolio’s jamming tune remaining a highlight of the trailer for this film. I choose to remember this film within the lens of Coolio’s track alone. Would I watch it again? I would, especially in some bizarre “Badass Teacher”-mersion podcast me and Jamie are now definitely starting. Did it meet my expectations? It was actually a bit better than I expected. I think, outside of the Vance character and the white savior nonsense, the film is pretty entertaining and an easy watch. I was kind of expecting The Substitute, but it was basically just Lean on Me.

Roast-radamus – A minor Product Placement (What?) for Louanne tossing around Butterfingers (as Bob Dylan once said: No one better lay a finger on my Butterfinger) among other candy bars. And Setting as a Character (Where?) for the explicit setting in Palo Alto. Definitely closest to Good, although I hope that something better crops up.

Sequel, Prequel, Remake – Easy, a sequel. This is about Louanne’s daughter, who herself has just gotten out of the Marines and is going back to her mother’s old stomping grounds in Palo Alto. And hooooooooooooooooo doggy she has a whole other crop of issues to deal with with her children. Cyberbullying, sexting, like … I don’t know, like meeting people on the internet? My point is that this ain’t her momma’s high school, she now has techmologies to deal with, and she is ill-prepared. So when an elite North Korean hacker starts trying to hack the election via the school’s servers, she has to assemble her ragtag group of students together to unleash their viruses, hack the Gibson, and take down Ellingson Mineral. HACK THE PLANET! We can workshop the ending, but rest assured, right at that 80 minute mark Michelle Pfeiffer busts that door down and says “Miss me boys and girls?” and the whole theater cheers. Dangerous Minds 2: Cyberwar.

You Just Got Schooled – We’re back baby! A real BMT Homework section because Dangerous Minds was also a television show! Starring Annie Potts, the first episode kind of follows the storyline from the movie, except the students in the television show are far less disruptive, and the things Louanne is teaching are just normal high school English curriculum. The first episode mainly focuses on Of Mice and Men for example. The show got cancelled after a season, which isn’t too surprising since it wasn’t very good. The biggest issue I had with it was it really cranked up that “if only American educators cared you know?” attitude to 11. Louanne is buying people books, paying for a nursery for another student, letting people stay in her enormous house … in the first episode she probably spends like $1000 of her own money on her students. And the other teachers are like “yeah, if we can all just chip in we can really make a difference!” No! These are the things the school and local government should be dealing with, not rogue teachers with, evidently, a fortune to distribute to the needy. It feels like it ends up with the moral being “yeah, the issue with the education system isn’t class sizes or underfunding … it is probably that most of the teachers don’t give a shit!” D. An interesting watch, but the movie is better and, against all odds, less preachy.

Cheerios,

The Sklogs

Dangerous Minds Quiz

Oh man, so here I was trying to teach these beautiful minds in a high school in Bad News U.S.A. when a fight breaks out! I got in the middle, natch, but I got sucker punched in the head and now I can’t remember a thing! Do you remember what happened in Dangerous Minds?

Pop Quiz Hot Shot!

1) What does Louanne want to be a teacher in Palo Alto?

2) What is the first thing she teaches her young students?

3) Hal is helping Louanne out with teaching and got her the job. How did Hal know her before the start of the movie?

4) Why is Louanne getting a divorce?

5) Why did Emilio get shot?

Bonus Question: What Coolio song is most like a Bob Dylan song? Whoever gives me the right answer gets a free ice cream cone.

Answers

Dangerous Minds Preview

As they sit and watch the beautiful sunset, Patrick and Jamie wonder about the plans of their cyborg doppelgangers. Perhaps there never was a plan, just random clues they followed to a dead end. Sipping their delicious mimosas, they aren’t sure they cared. When a *ding* rings out from the direction of the elevator all three of their heads swing that way. Beads of sweat form on their brows as they hear the soft sobbing from Rachel. Saboteur! But anger softens to sympathy as Rachel explains that her family was kidnapped by the cyborg fiends. Her family will live in exchange for luring them here. The final *ding* from the elevator sounds and the doors swing open. They gasp. It’s… it’s them. Aside from the glowing red eyes and robot limbs they are the Bad Movie Twins. “Bad Movie Twins,” they chuckle in deep robot voices, “at last, you have returned. And to what? Failure? Despair? To witness the deaths of your beloved Rich & Poe,” they spit out in disgust. Jamie and Patrick quake in fear. Death is surely next, but as the robots approach a smirk appears on their cyborg lips. “No… no, we won’t kill you.” they say, still smiling. Then with lightning fast robot speed they search Patrick and snatch the Obsidian Dongle from his pocket. “Not before you witness our grand plan come to fruition. You will watch Rich & Poe die, then you shall die. Bwahahahahaha,” they laugh violently as they stagger out of the apartment. “All a trap and we fell into it,” mumbles Jamie softly, but Patrick shakes his head firmly. It can’t be over. Not when they still live. “Come on,” Patrick says, “they may have taken the Dongle, but they left us with our most dangerous weapon… our minds.” That’s right! We are transitioning to the next cycle of the year: Cross Promotion Mania. Originally conceived as a hit song tie in cycle, we ended up expanding it to video games when we realized that that would make for a better overall cycle. But it didn’t change our first pick: Dangerous Minds, featuring Gangsta’s Paradise. Based on the book My Posse Don’t Do Homework by LouAnne Johnson. Let’s go!

Dangerous Minds (1995) – BMeTric: 15.8; Notability: 40

StreetCreditReport.com – BMeTric: top 43.2%; Notability: top 28.4%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 22.8% Higher BMeT: Showgirls, Vampire in Brooklyn, Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers, Fair Game, Batman Forever, Congo, Mighty Morphin Power Rangers: The Movie, Free Willy 2: The Adventure Home, Tank Girl, Under Siege 2: Dark Territory, The Babysitter, Judge Dredd, Nine Months, A Kid in King Arthur’s Court, Operation Dumbo Drop, Jade, The Scarlet Letter, Johnny Mnemonic, Man of the House, Candyman: Farewell to the Flesh, and 33 more; Higher Notability: Batman Forever, Congo, Judge Dredd, Virtuosity, Under Siege 2: Dark Territory, Showgirls, Four Rooms, Stuart Saves His Family, Assassins, Panther, Money Train, Tank Girl, Things to Do in Denver When You’re Dead, Jade, Jefferson in Paris, Hackers, Mighty Morphin Power Rangers: The Movie, Canadian Bacon, Free Willy 2: The Adventure Home, Nine Months, and 4 more; Lower RT: A Kid in King Arthur’s Court, Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers, It Takes Two, The Hunted, The Tie That Binds, Vampire in Brooklyn, Bushwhacked, The Pebble and the Penguin, Fair Game, Johnny Mnemonic, The Scarlet Letter, Four Rooms, Three Wishes, Jade, Canadian Bacon, Dr. Jekyll and Ms. Hyde, Houseguest, Man of the House, Reckless, Two Much and 22 more; Notes: That is a shockingly high IMDb rating … I guess maybe that’s what you get when the only thing really notable about a film is the incredible rap single used in its advertisements.

RogerEbert.com – 1.5 stars – “Dangerous Minds” tells another one of those uplifting parables in which the dedicated teacher takes on a schoolroom full of rebellious malcontents, and wins them over with an unorthodox approach. Movies like this are inevitably “based on a real story.” Maybe they tell you that because otherwise you’d think they were pure fantasy.

(This review is really really worth reading. The end of it speaks to why critics, I think, wholesale rejected the film. The film is made about an urban school, but for a suburban audience. It is a really good review that succinctly explains why the film fails the book and the audience.)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gA-5nLQCmW8/

(Oh shit, the goddamn song kicking in got me amped! And then I just remembered this is a run of the mill white savior “these kids just need a fair shot!” type drama. But I haven’t seem many of those, so bring it on.)

Directors – John N. Smith – (Known For: A Cool, Dry Place; Love & Savagery; Train of Dreams; Geraldine’s Fortune; Sitting in Limbo; Welcome to Canada; The Masculine Mystique; BMT: Dangerous Minds; Notes: Nominated for an Oscar for the short First Winter. Canadian, seemed to have retired in 2009.)

Writers – LouAnne Johnson (book) – (BMT: Dangerous Minds; Notes: Basically her only other credit is the Dangerous Minds television show which came out in 1996 and ran for 17 episodes.)

Ronald Bass (screenplay) – (Known For: Rain Man; My Best Friend’s Wedding; What Dreams May Come; Stepmom; Before We Go; When a Man Loves a Woman; Waiting to Exhale; The Joy Luck Club; How Stella Got Her Groove Back; Black Widow; Gardens of Stone; Snow Flower and the Secret Fan; Passion of Mind; Mozart and the Whale; La boda de mi mejor amigo; Space Warriors; Code Name: Emerald; The Lazarus Child; Future BMT: Amelia; Entrapment; Snow Falling on Cedars; BMT: Sleeping with the Enemy; Dangerous Minds; Notes: Won an Oscar for Rain Man. He appeared to have done a ton of uncredited rewrites in the 90s (including things like a Spielberg film), and was also a creator on the aforementioned Dangerous Minds television show.)

Actors – Michelle Pfeiffer – (Known For: Avengers: Endgame; Ant-Man and the Wasp; Scarface; Stardust; Mother!; Murder on the Orient Express; French Exit; Batman Returns; Hairspray; The Age of Innocence; The Prince of Egypt; What Lies Beneath; Dangerous Liaisons; One Fine Day; The Witches of Eastwick; Wolf; Tequila Sunrise; Ladyhawke; White Oleander; Amazon Women on the Moon; Future BMT: Grease 2; The Story of Us; Dark Shadows; The Family; To Gillian on Her 37th Birthday; Up Close & Personal; Maleficent: Mistress of Evil; Into the Night; I Am Sam; BMT: New Year’s Eve; A Thousand Acres; Dangerous Minds; Notes: Nominated three times for an Oscar, for Love Field, The Fabulous Baker Boys, and Dangerous Liasons. Her sister Dedee Pfeiffer is also an actress.)

George Dzundza – (Known For: Basic Instinct; The Deer Hunter; Crimson Tide; No Way Out; The Beast of War; White Hunter Black Heart; City by the Sea; No Man’s Land; The Happy Hooker; Adam and Eve; Streamers; Impulse; The Chosen One; Trading Favors; Massage Parlor Murders!; Honor Bound; Future BMT: That Darn Cat; The Butcher’s Wife; Instinct; BMT: Species II; No Mercy; Dangerous Minds; Notes: I know him mostly for one of his rare television roles, he was one of the two main cops during the first season or two of Law & Order. He’s very much a “that guy” in that he’s almost exclusively known for character parts, not starring roles.)

Courtney B. Vance – (Known For: Project Power; Isle of Dogs; The Hunt for Red October; Holy Matrimony; Final Destination 5; The Photograph; Space Cowboys; Office Christmas Party; Ben Is Back; The Divide; Hamburger Hill; D-Tox; Uncorked; Nothing But the Truth; The Preacher’s Wife; The Adventures of Huck Finn; The Last Supper; Beyond the Law; Hurricane Season; Cookie’s Fortune; Future BMT: Joyful Noise; Terminator Genisys; Extraordinary Measures; Panther; BMT: The Mummy; Dangerous Minds; Notes: Blew up a few years ago for his performance as Johnnie Cochran in American Crime Story (which he won an Emmy for). Went to Harvard.)

Budget/Gross – $23 million / Domestic: $84,919,401 (Worldwide: $179,519,401)

(Huuuuuge success. According to the notes, it was released under Pfeiffer’s production company which ended up giving her the ability to start producing her own projects afterwards. So that’s nice.)

Rotten Tomatoes – 29% (12/41): Rife with stereotypes that undermine its good intentions, Dangerous Minds is too blind to see that the ones it hurts are the audience.

(Yep, that is basically what Ebert said. Again, read his review, it is well worth it. Reviewer Highlight: The tale screenwriter Ronald Bass came up with, and the way director John N. Smith tells it, is stereotypical, predictable and simplified to the point of meaninglessness. – Kenneth Turan, Los Angeles Times)

Poster – Dangerous Sklogs

(Overall, I don’t mind this, mostly because if I saw it in a theater I’d be interested in it, which is the point. Doesn’t tell me much, though, and the color scheme isn’t cohesive. So merely not the worst. C.)

Tagline(s) – She Broke The Rules… And Changed Their Lives. ()

(Looks like the main poster didn’t have a tagline, so this must be an alternate. You can tell as the poster is better off without it. The cadence is OK and does sum up the film in a way. But not clever or short enough to break out from the middle. C+.)

Keyword – urban setting

Top 10: Coming to America (1988), Birds of Prey (2020), Inception (2010), Joker (2019), The Dark Knight (2008), Black Panther (2018), Seven (1995), Back to the Future (1985), Spider-Man: Homecoming (2017), The Dark Knight Rises (2012)

Future BMT: 78.6 Superhero Movie (2008), 68.7 Supergirl (1984), 63.9 Underdog (2007), 63.7 The Crow: City of Angels (1996), 61.9 Poltergeist III (1988), 54.3 Get Rich or Die Tryin’ (2005), 50.6 My Stepmother Is an Alien (1988), 50.2 The Wild (2006), 44.1 B*A*P*S (1997), 43.0 I Love Trouble (1994);

BMT: RoboCop 2 (1990), Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2014), Predator 2 (1990), The Happening (2008), Shaft (2019), Death Wish (2018), Battle Los Angeles (2011), Catwoman (2004), Superman III (1983), RoboCop 3 (1993), Red Dawn (2012), Dangerous Minds (1995), Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason (2004), Punisher: War Zone (2008), The Specialist (1994), Alex Cross (2012), Superman IV: The Quest for Peace (1987), New York Minute (2004), Max Payne (2008), Daylight (1996), The Bonfire of the Vanities (1990), Vampire in Brooklyn (1995), Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li (2009), Exit Wounds (2001), Dragon Wars (2007), Knock Off (1998), Never Die Alone (2004)

(Not very many good keywords here, so I kind of wanted to see if there was any rise in big films set in cities during the crime panic of the late-80s / early-90s … there wasn’t. Even the Future BMT list is pretty lame. Sorry, this one is one me, I blew it.)

Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 19) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: John Neville is No. 5 billed in Dangerous Minds and No. 7 billed in Urban Legend, which also stars Alicia Witt (No. 1 billed) who is in 88 Minutes (No. 2 billed), which also stars Leelee Sobieski (No. 3 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 1 billed) => 5 + 7 + 1 + 2 + 3 + 1 = 19. If we were to watch The Story of Us, Last Man Standing, and The Glass House we can get the HoE Number down to 13.

Notes – Michelle Pfeiffer was pregnant during production. Although shot out of sequence like most films, it becomes apparent when methods are used to hide the actress’ stomach. Methods such as long skirts and bulky sweaters along with scenes where Pfeiffer is shown carrying large objects were used.

Originally entitled “My Posse Don’t Do Homework”, the name of the book from which this true story was taken. (Huh, terrible name)

Released under Michelle Pfeiffer’s production company, the movie’s success bolstered Pfeiffer’s reputation as an actress/producer.

Andy Garcia’s scenes as Louanne’s love interest were filmed but cut.

A running gag involves confusion between two lyrical men of words: Dylan Thomas and Bob Dylan. The similarity between the two names is not coincidental, as the latter adopted his performance name as a tribute to the former.

The actor who played Emelio, Wade Dominguez, died 3 years after the 1995 film was released ( in 1998 ) of respiratory failure.

One of the last films worked on by producer Don Simpson. He helped pick songs for the film soundtrack.

“This Is The Life”, is a song that features on the film’s original soundtrack, and is performed by ‘Wendy And Lisa’ In the 1980’s, both of these artists were from Prince’s band ‘The Revolution’, and even acted alongside him, in his movie, “Purple Rain”. If you listen carefully to the music for “This is The Life” and “Purple Rain”, you will notice, that they both have exactly the same music in their intro.

The real Emilio Ramírez wasn’t murdered, he graduated high school spent four years in the Marine Corps and is alive and well living in California with his wife and two children.

Rising Sun Recap

Jamie

Web Smith is a police liaison called in to mediate a homicide found during a big time Japanese business’s gala. Surprisingly he is asked to bring along Capt. Conner, a police expert on Japan. Soon it becomes clear that there is more to the homicide than the company will let on. Can Web and Conner untangle the dastardly web of deceit before it’s too late? Find out in… Rising Sun.

How?! Web Smith is just trying to raise his daughter and do his job as a police liaison. One night he gets a call to help mediate a homicide call at a highfalutin Japanese business gala attended by all the bigwigs in town. Curiously, he is also asked to pick up Captain Conner, a semi-retired police expert on Japan. When they get to the crime scene the party continues uninterrupted while the crime scene is teaming with the company’s men. It becomes clear that they just want the whole thing dismissed, but Web and Conner are suspicious. Particularly when they discover that some of the tapes are missing from the state-of-the-art surveillance in the building. They suspect the boyfriend of the victim, Eddie, in the crime and cover up and when the missing disc shows up it appears to confirm their suspicions. They raid Eddie’s house only to have him flee and appear to die in a fiery crash. The next day they find that Eddie attempted to contact them about the missing disc and so they decide to take it to an expert who shows them how the film was manipulated. Returning to Web’s apartment, Web and Conner are shocked to find Eddie there alive and well. Someone else had died in the crash. He gives them the original surveillance tape, but the Yakuza show up and kill him and attempt to kill Web. After regrouping they view the tape and find that the killer appears to be Senator Morton, a powerful politician who was holding up a big acquisition for the Japanese company. The tape was being used to blackmail him, but in fact showed that someone else came into the room and killed the girl after he left. Wanting to smoke out the rat, Web and Conner go to a big meeting at the company and show the tape. Panicking, one of the lawyers flees and is ultimately killed closing the case, although leaving doubts as to how high the conspiracy could have gone. Bum bum bum. THE END.

Why?! Unfortunately, Web’s motivations are the least interesting in the film. Just doing his job. The Japanese company is a bit more interesting. They want to acquire an American microchip company , which is causing some concern in the government due to the connection of that company to national defense. Senator Morton initially is blocking the merger in the name of sovereignty, but ultimately is swayed though blackmail. Low key the most interesting motivation is Conner, who is semi-retired and living it up golfing and chilling with the wealthy Japanese businessmen of LA. There is some implication that he ends up turning a blind eye to the involvement of some of the particularly powerful people involved in the crime in order to keep his good standing (and great tee times) with them… kind of a last minute anti-hero twist for Connery.

Who?! Rooted in “real” economic concerns, the film also has “real” TV news entertainment segments in it. This includes a segment with Senator Morton hosted by Michael Kinsley and including a few well known journalists. Most interesting of the bunch is Pat Choate who went on to be Ross Perot’s running mate in the 1996 presidential election. Given his political stances, it actually makes perfect sense he appears in this film.

What?! There is something to be said here about fake businesses cooked up for BMT films. Here Nakamoto is portrayed as a powerful keiretsu housed in the Two California Plaza skyscraper. In Die Hard they have the fictional Nakatomi corporation housed in the Fox Plaza. Same companies? Different companies? Doesn’t matter. It tells you where Hollywood’s headspace was heading into the early 90’s collapse of the Japanese economy.

Where?! Extremely solid LA film, to the point where I think you’d have to give it an A. I’m not sure there is another city in the United States that you could set this film and for it to still make sense. Unless you were to change the focus and thus the name… and thus pretty much everything about it. Funny enough, I think I had always assumed this was a film set in Japan. Tells you how little I knew about it before diving in.When?! The phone call to Web to get over to Nakamoto occurs at 9pm February 9th according to the testimony we see him giving in periodic flash forwards… turns out the testimony is from after Eddie is killed, Web gets shot, and then he gets put on leave. So really it’s like a flash middle. Fun to think that the climax of the film takes place 4 days after the date given… meaning we came very close to a Super Secret Holiday Film Alert with this taking place on Valentine’s Day. A- just for that fact.

When?! The phone call to Web to get over to Nakamoto occurs at 9pm February 9th according to the testimony we see him giving in periodic flash forwards… turns out the testimony is from after Eddie is killed, Web gets shot, and then he gets put on leave. So really it’s like a flash middle. Fun to think that the climax of the film takes place 4 days after the date given… meaning we came very close to a Super Secret Holiday Film Alert with this taking place on Valentine’s Day. A- just for that fact.

There were a number of critiques levied at the book and then the film adaptation for their portrayals of Japanese culture and business practices. For good reason! The book is even harsher, but you get the drift from the film as well. An unending stream of pejorative statements about Japanese business and America’s willingness to sell to them. Crichton defended the book as a purely economic argument, which might have gone over better if the Japanese economy wasn’t in the midst of a severe crash at the time of publication and then the film’s release. So it comes off as more rooted in xenophobia than the economic reality of the situation. All that being said up front, I think the film is otherwise just an adequate buddy cop police procedural. At times it lacks some direction and forward momentum, but I actually think it’s a bit of an improvement over the book. The book is just kinda boring, with a pretty bland main character and then Conner, who was clearly written with Connery in mind (but aren’t all Crichton characters… think about it). It feels like Crichton was more interested in getting his specific (offensive) point across and then built a generic police procedural around it. Of his books I’ve read it’s pretty easily my least favorite. As for After We Collided, I enjoyed watching the first one, I enjoyed watching this one, and I’ll enjoy watching the next one. They are real dumb and chock full o’ product placement, which gives a good laugh. I will also contend that, unlike Fifty Shades, this series actually has a purpose. It is about a young girl in love with an addict and the hope and desire that their love can ultimately overcome his trauma and his disease. He is not a bad person, but he has a problem and the depiction of their relationship is done more deftly than this dumbo series kinda deserves. So it’s not total trash. Patrick?

Patrick

‘Ello everyone! A pinch of noir, a dash of buddy cop, and juuuuuuuuuust a little (read: a lot) of cultural insensitivity, and you got a Rising Sun cooking baby! Let’s go!

P’s View on the Preview – This movie has actually been on my radar for a long time … although mostly because I’ve been continually disappointed it wasn’t set in Japan. It would definitely be the best set-in-Japan bad movie ever, but alas, they set it in Los Angeles like dummies. Yawn. Always fun to hit up a Crichton though, they always scream “90s” to me. Just something about him. What were my expectations? I had a problem: I hadn’t seen much noir, and I hadn’t seen much Snipes. So I was mostly going into it curious to see how it played.

The Good – I liked the dynamic between Snipes and Connery. It works as an odd couple pairing. A despite the Hollywood-style exploration of Japanese business culture that feels both racist and immediately outdated, I did enjoy the specific moment where they exposed Connery’s character’s hypocrisy, specifically his attitude towards the bribe he was effectively given early in the film. Among an otherwise muddled film there were a few things that still seemed to at least focus the film in an interesting way. Best Bit: The buddy cops.

The Bad – I mean … the immediately outdated and racist portrayal of Japanese customs and business culture? That’s it isn’t it? Even if you wanted to dismiss that all as pearl-clutching nonsense, the film was made in 1993, well after the Japanese economy entered a recession, and so at very best the Japanese business villains come across as Hollywood feeling around for a Big Bad after the collapse of the USSR. Other than that boring and borderline confusing are probably the biggest slights. Fatal Flaw: Racism.

The BMT – This is certainly a unique film at the very least. I’m not sure how many other films even exist with the Japanese business world as the bad guy … Gung Ho maybe. Remember that film? About like … making a lot of cars or something? Anyways, I think I ultimately enjoyed the underlying noir element too much to think about watching this again, but the specific time it was made makes it an interesting one time watch. Did it meet my expectations? As a noir I guess not, I kind of expected Connery to be a PI. But maybe once I watch more noir I’ll know better. As a Snipes film also maybe not? I got the distinct feeling he was playing himself in the film, but I haven’t watched enough of his films to know better. I’m giving myself an Incomplete on this assignment.

Roast-radamus – A pretty good Setting as a Character (Where?) because how can you create a noir film without setting it in LA? A very amusing, and borderline super-secret holiday film, Exact Temporal Setting (When?) for the fact that all of the events take place between February 9th and February 13th, one day off from being an incredible Valentine’s Day film! And finally Worst Twist (How?) for having the same twist as The Skulls whereby the person who was killed wasn’t actually dead until someone else came into the room and killed her! Solid stuff, with the overall film being closest to Good I think.

Sequel, Prequel, Remake – The Sequel is obvious here. A year after the events of the film Webster Smith gets an urgent letter from Jingo Asakuma that John Conner is back in Japan and in serious trouble! But when Webster arrives in Tokyo neither Conner or Asakuma can be found. In fact, Conner is wanted for question in connection to the disappearance of Asakuma a week prior. Huh, how odd. Webster, using some of the connections he had developed from the first film, ends up unwinding the strange tale of Conner’s return to Japan after decades in self-exile to discover who was responsible in the death of his old friend Yoshida. Along the way the daughter of the desk bound and contrite Ishihara helps Webster to navigate the underworld of modern Tokyo and the ever changing dynamics of the international business world. You have to know what the name is right? … Setting Sun. Boom, I think I just sold that spec on title alone. Call me Crichton, you can even write the book.

You Just Got Schooled – This one a film where I couldn’t quite decide whether to do a Snipes film or a noir. I went noir as I haven’t seen many of the classics and I’ve been watching only bad movies for too long. Naturally, I had to go for one of the best with Double Indemnity, which seems to be considered the noir to watch if you are looking for a definitive list. I was definitely thrown a bit by the subject matter and dialogue, because I’m mostly used to the Maltese Falcon where it is about a private detective / femme fatale dynamic. The insurance salesman, and the way he spoke, just really threw me off. But ultimately the perfect murder plot line is very engrossing and I can see why it is considered among the creme de la creme for the genre. Edward G. Robinson was particularly good. It ended up being the perfect choice because it broke me out of the mindset of noir = private eye, and I can see now why Rising Sun is considered to at least take inspiration from film noir (even if it is closer to a buddy cop film from the 80s). A+, obviously, it is a great film.

Bring a Friend Analysis – A pretty special week since we were able to bring along a BMT sequel as a friend, After We Collided, the sequel to the YA-romance novel-turned-movie After. The film is basically nonsense, but in that very special modern filmmaking kind of way. It appears to be something like six sex scenes held together by modular “destination” plot lines (a jaunt to the ice rink, a babysitting gig, a hot yoga session, etc.). Basically, it seems like the film could have been filmed by 20 different directors and then stitched together in any order they wanted at the end. Oh, and it is also one giant commercial for Amazon. It can’t be a coincidence I was watching the film on Amazon Prime while the main character is getting a Kindle as a gift. There was a storyline in this film … it just isn’t coming to me. Something like alcoholism is bad news, and you should make amends with your dad? Something like that. B+. I love YA-nonsense. This was kind of cheating because by all accounts this should have been released to theaters if not for the pandemic. But I’m glad we get to continue our journey into this YA-romance series.

Cheerios,

The Sklogs

Rising Sun Quiz

Oh boy, so I was called in as a special consultant on a murder inside a large Japanese conglomerate’s Los Angeles headquarters, and then wouldn’t you know it, but I was bopped on the head by some yakuza and don’t remember a thing! Do you remember what happened in Rising Sun?

Pop Quiz Hot Shot!

1) Who is the murder victim and what is her relationship to the Nakamoto Group and how did she die?

2) Why is it explained that Connery took indefinite leave from the Los Angeles police department?

3) Why does Connery let Eddie go without questioning or arresting him at the party later on the evening of Feb 9th?

4) Did Webb take a bribe? Why?

5) So … who killed the girl? Walk me through the events.

Bonus Question: Detective John Conner retires soon after the events of the film, what does he do after leaving the force (officially)?

Answers