Patrick

Fifty Shades Darker Recap

Jamie

What?! After their “dramatic” break-up in the first film, Christian Grey realizes that he can’t live without Anastasia Steele. Promising to give up his S&M lifestyle they get back together. Can they make it work? Find out in… Fifty Shades Darker… seriously, that’s all this is about.

Why?! Mostly it’s because Christian Grey is a broken, lonely man who needs to learn to love and he feels like Anastasia Steele is the first thing in his life that truly gives him that opportunity. As for Anastasia it’s oddly about taking control of her life and becoming more assertive about what she wants personally and professionally in part by giving into her desires with Christian (bit of a contradiction, no?). By setting her ground rules and allowing herself to do what she wants, she unshackles herself from societal norms and flies fr… blech… sorry, I just puked all over myself.

How?! Imagine just watching a couple people dating for two hours. That’s this movie. They just go on dates and stuff. Incredibly dramatic things happen to them (she almost gets raped, he is involved in a helicopter crash, she is held at gunpoint by a crazy former lover of Christian’s) and yet five seconds after these things happen they are forgotten and we continue to watch them argue casually over wine. There was a moment where they were having dinner where I actually thought, “Imagine if this never ended? That I had to sit here watching these two boring people go to dinner over and over again.” A cold shiver ran down my spine. That’s how mundane it all was. So yeah… that’s “how” it all went down. Oh, and they got engaged in the end. That was the climax (sigh, I feel like I can’t even celebrate that pun). Thank God the music was dope.

Who?! Ha! Just thinking about a version of this film that included a Planchet is amusing to me. Like if Christian Grey’s chauffeur Taylor was some chubby, bumbling fool that is the brunt of Christian’s constant chiding. That would be cool. As it is, there is no Planchet. So just gonna shout out my girl Kim Basinger. It’s a crime her role is so small this time around, but I heard it’s bigger in 2018’s future BMT film Fifty Shades Freed. Things are looking up for 2018!

Where?! If you didn’t know (but who doesn’t at this point) these books started as Twilight fan fiction. Accordingly, this film takes place in Seattle, Washington. Most notable Anastasia works at SIP, Seattle Independent Press. Also, the Space Needle is basically a character in the film given how many times we see it in establishing shots. B

When?! The major downside of BMT Live! is the inability to try to figure out exactly when the film takes place by analyzing the film frame-by-frame Zapruder-style. One would think that it’s immediately following the last film. It’s implied that they actually didn’t break up for all that long, so probably June right after graduating. This is supported by E.L. James’ assertion that Christian’s birthday is June 18th (perhaps detailed specifically in the book?), so basically they broke up for two weeks, she started her job, and then like two weeks later they got back together and got engaged. The thing that really shoots this in the foot is that you can see Christmas decorations on store windows when they’re walking around Seattle. Come on, guys. Think about the poor children trying to piece this timeline together. Think of the children! D-

Patrick

‘Ello everyone! Fifty Shades Darker?! More like Fifty More Movies please! Not really, one more movie exactly please (I feel strangely sad when movie series get cut short, plus the third is already filmed). We had a night at the movies. Was it an entertaining girls night (and Patrick!) night on the town!? Or was it so awkward I wondered if I perhaps had stumbled into a British comedy series?! Spoiler alert: I’ve never been so uncomfortable in my life. Let’s go!

The Good – The music was jamalaming. The film makes you think … more on that later. Dakota Johnson is a fine actress and does an admirable job. I don’t exactly remember the first movie, I know it happened to me but almost no details beyond that there was a sex contract, but I do know the sex scenes in this one came a lot faster and furiouser which I’m sure satisfied many of the target audience in attendance in my sparsely populated theater.
The Bad – Dornan is straight awful. Kim Basinger was given way too little to do (I nearly forgot she was in this). Oh, and literally nothing happens in the film. Basically she dumped his ass in the first film, and he comes back being like “You’re so plain I love you so much, I need you, I’m a billionaire” and then they date for a while. There is a stalker but that is dispatched quickly. Anastasia’s boss goes from zero to rape in 1.5 seconds, which was alarming. And Dornan get paid to look like a complete asshole for two hours. All in all it was a perplexing and yet fascinating time.
The BMT – Yes. I’m actually pretty sure this is the worst film of the year. I think it is. It is polished, it looks great, it has some decent acting here and there, but it is also boring, and yet consistently and often humorously terrible. I feel like I need to watch this film again, which makes me uncomfortable to my core. If that isn’t a 80+ BMeTric I’m not sure what is. I’m drawn to it like a fly into an electric fly zapper.

Oh my favorite of all the games: BMT Live! Theater Experience. So basically my plan of action for this film was to show up 15 after the official showtime to ensure the theater is dark, and sit near the exit. Great plan in theory. What actually happened was that the theater was still quite bright when I then very conspicuously entered and sat approximately 40 feet from everyone else. Also, since I was right near the exit anyone who entered after me would go around this little wall and kind of come face-to-face with creeper #1 sitting there like a creeper. Once the movie kicked off the rowdiness was sadly kept to a minimum, but I did indeed manage to bolt out of the theater and around the corner before, I think, anyone else even had a chance to get their things. It is the small victories I savor. This was bar-none the most awkward theater experience of my life. As I sat there it was almost a religious experience. A pariah, alone and consuming delights not meant for me. Reacting with disgust, but was it meant to evoke lust or joy? I would not know, for I was not the intended audience. This is something I do love with BMT in a bizarre way, particularly with Madea films. Watching something not meant for me. Wondering if what I was experiencing was intended in any way by the creators. In this case, I don’t think so, this was one for the ladies. Get yo movies, ladies. BMT Live!

Cheerios,

The Sklogs

Fifty Shades Darker Preview

Big week for BMT as we are attending the first BMT Live! of the year! Hooray! As expected (although not exactly desired) we will be watching Fifty Shades Darker. Less hooray! We watched the first film as part of BMT in 2015. As part of that viewing I actually read the first book. A direct consequence of that is that I did not read the second book this time around. I literally couldn’t bring myself to do it. The first book may be the worst thing I’ve ever read (and I read the first two Twilight books). It’s not even because they are ridiculous soap opera-like porn books for women. I’m fine with that (again, I read Twilight, which spends 90% of the book talking about the finer qualities of different characters abs). No, its greatest crime was simply that is was soooooo fucking boooorrrrrring. Nothing happens. Sure they have sex a few times but they could have at least attempted to make a coherent plot. Instead it’s just one long drama about two fairly boring people arguing over a legal contract… that’s it. I shudder even imagining having to read the second book. So instead we are going in blind, baby! A final note, this is the fifth BMT Live! We’ve had and this is the first instance where the film chosen actually fits the cycle that we are currently in. Congrats! We are nailing it here at BMTHQ. Let’s go!

Fifty Shades Darker (2017) – BMeTric: 54.5

(There is nothing in the internet archive for the movie as of February 19, 2017! I will say that at the moment Fifty Shades Darker has a 4.9 on IMDb whereas Fifty Shades of Grey settled comfortably at 4.1. I would guess that indeed it will regress to the predecessor in this case once non-mega fans get a hold of it.)

RogerEbert.com – 2 stars – “Fifty Shades Darker” is less interested in exploring how the power plays of S&M have to be negotiated (a rich topic), and more interested in the conventional narrative of a damaged man terrified of intimacy and a loving woman waiting for him to transform into the wonderful boyfriend that she knows is inside of him. “Fifty Shades Darker” may wear leather and chains, but it’s still a retro bore.

(Yeah … sounds about right. I’ve heard criticisms of the films dressed up in all kinds of ways. But do you know what is always consistent? That they are boring. Can’t wait to pay money to be the creepy alone-guy in a theater … real excited.)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n6BVyk7hty8

(Pretty tantalizing stuff. So the last movie was basically “will she sign the sex contract”. This one appears to be “oh … is Grey going to change a bit?”. Wait … did she sign the sex contract? I feel like I’m going to end up totally lost in this movie since I have zero interest in re-watching the first one and obviously can’t read the books.)

Directors – James Foley – (Known For: Glengarry Glen Ross; At Close Range; Confidence: After Dark; The Corruptor; After Dark, My Sweet; Two Bits; BMT: Who’s That Girl; Fifty Shades Darker; Perfect Stranger; Fear; The Chamber; Notes: Nominated for the Razzie Award in 1988 for Worst Director for Who’s That Girl; Directs some television now (including 12 episodes of House of Cards). Apparently he was offered to directing position for Purple Rain starring Prince. How could one resist?!)

Writers – Niall Leonard (screenplay) – (BMT: Fifty Shades Darker; Notes: Oh ….. Oh my God. He is E. L. James’ husband! The person they got to write the script to the last two Fifty Shades films is E. L. James’ spouse. That is shocking. He has been bouncing around, mostly in television, for a while, but I’m surprised there wasn’t any credited rewrites by a more accomplished screenwriter.)

E.L. James (based on the novel by) – (BMT: Fifty Shades of Grey (BMT); Fifty Shades Darker; Notes: She’s expressed her surprise at the success of the novels which, she says, started as a kind of mid-life crisis. Her writing career famously started with Twilight Fan Fiction under the pen name Snowqueens Icedragon.)

Actors – Dakota Johnson – (Known For: How to Be Single; Black Mass; The Social Network; A Bigger Splash; 21 Jump Street; The Five-Year Engagement; BMT: Fifty Shades of Grey (BMT); Beastly (BMT); Fifty Shades Darker; Anarchy: Ride or Die; Date and Switch; Goats; Need for Speed (BMT); Notes: Won the Razzie Award in 2016 for Worst Actress and Screen Combo for Fifty Shades of Grey; She is the daughter of Melanie Griffith and Don Johnson (Bucky Larson and When in Rome) from their second marriage to each other.)

Jamie Dornan – (Known For: The 9th Life of Louis Drax; Anthropoid; The Siege of Jadotville; Marie Antoinette; BMT: Fifty Shades of Grey (BMT); Fifty Shades Darker; Notes: Won the Razzie Award in 2016 for Worst Actor and Screen Combo for Fifty Shades of Grey; Naturally got his start as a Calvin Klein model and was a member of a folk band called Sons of Jim. Sadly they disbanded in 2008.)

Also stars Eric Johnson – (As see in Texas Rangers!) and BMT megastar Kim Basinger (Grudge Match, Bless the Child, The Marrying Man, and No Mercy)

Budget/Gross – $55 million / Domestic: $75,500,000 ($173,300,000 Worldwide) (So far)

(Like shooting fish in a barrel. They obviously saved a bundle shooting back to back which makes it all the easier for them to rake in a cool $300+ million worldwide with each film and laugh all the way to the bank.)

Rotten Tomatoes – 9% (13/149): Lacking enough chemistry, heat, or narrative friction to satisfy, the limp Fifty Shades Darker wants to be kinky but only serves as its own form of punishment.

(Ooooof, that is stunning. I wouldn’t have really thought it would drop so dramatically from the first (25%), I figured they would also get people to dismiss most issues as “hey the books were shit too, what did you expect?” And yet this seems like it might be a whole new level of boring … I wonder how early of a showing I can get. Just to make sure I don’t fall asleep.)

Poster – Fifty Shades Sklogger (C+)

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(Not a huge fan of the spacing and tilt, as it’s starting to look a little like fan-art. Obviously the font is ridiculously simple and Fifty Shades Sklogger could be a reality. Besides that it’s an excellent example of where the actors are used in the poster but are modified visually enough to avoid my issues with their human-ness. They are able to maintain gray as the dominant color.)

Tagline(s) – Every Fairy Tale Has a Dark Side (B)

(Hmmm, I actually kind of like this because it’s starting to make me think about how this series relates to traditional fairy tales. Is it a play on Cinderella? Could be actually. Even the poster and masquerade ball kind of fit with that. Slightly clever and short enough to boot. Pretty good.)

Keyword(s) – helicopter crash; Top Ten by BMeTric: 78.9 Skyline (2010); 73.9 AVPR: Aliens vs Predator – Requiem (2007); 57.7 Boat Trip (2002); 57.2 A Good Day to Die Hard (2013); 55.9 Lawnmower Man 2: Beyond Cyberspace (1996); 53.8 Batman Forever (1995); 53.7 Half Past Dead (2002); 51.9 Resident Evil: Retribution (2012); 50.2 Fifty Shades Darker (2017); 50.1 Attack of the Killer Tomatoes! (1978);

(I would watch this movie marathon for sure. What an eclectic group of movies. I’d go chronological, just to get Killer Tomatoes to start. The ending of that series would be brutal too, would people just get up once Fifty Shades started?)

Notes – Rumors circulated in early 2015 that Jamie Dornan had made a decision not to reprise his role as Christian Grey in the future Fifty Shades of Grey (2015) films. However, those rumors were eventually debunked by his official rep who stated he was completely devoted to the franchise. (gross. But yeah, since they filmed the second and third back to back you’d get to basically get the series behind you and cash a huge check. Don’t blame him)

Fans have expressed interest in actresses such as Kim Cattrall, Michelle Pfeiffer and Charlize Theron for the role of Elena Lincoln aka “Mrs. Robinson”. (And we are so so glad it went to Kim Basinger instead. Love me some Kimmy B).

After receiving backlash that clean shaven Jamie Dornan wasn’t sexy enough as Christian Grey in the first film the producers decided that he could keep his stubble for Darker and Freed. (ha!)

In March of 2015, Fifty Shades of Grey (2015) director Sam Taylor-Johnson revealed she would not be returning for the film’s sequels, Fifty Shades Darker (2017) and Fifty Shades Freed (2018), respectively. As well, screenwriter Kelly Marcel also stated she would not be returning to the series. (I would guess that the producers, including E. L. James, wanted more control. I thought Taylor-Johnson did a pretty solid job, the first movie was just super boring and nothing happened.)

Screenwriter Niall Leonard is the husband of E.L. James, who wrote the book series it is based upon. (Yuuuuuuup, pretty ridic)

Species II Recap

Jamie

Important couple weeks for BMT, so felt like it was key to catch up. Let’s dive right into Species II.

What?! Sil is back, Jack!… JK. She was engulfed in a flaming tar pit at the end of the first Species. She’s dead. Instead astronaut Patrick Ross returns from a mission to Mars having been infected by ancient alien DNA similar to Sil’s. The military has to find and destroy him (perhaps with a little help from Sil’s genetic clone, Eve). Can they stop Patrick before it’s too late?! Find out in… Species II.

Why?! Like Sil before him, Patrick is driven by one thing and one thing only: getting it on with as many ladies as possible (but who isn’t, amirite? Ayyyyyeeeeeeee [hits jukebox]). This is so the alien species can spread its DNA far and wide and overwhelm the earth and its denizens. Press Lennox (still a real name that was written in a script unironically) is once again pressed into action to stop him at all costs. That’s it… there is literally no other motivation here. These films are just gratuitous gore and nudity… wait, is there a reason these films aren’t still being made?

How?! After Patrick is infected, Press and Dr. Baker team back up to try to figure out how to stop him. Unlike in the first film, Patrick was infected as an adult and is far more powerful than Sil was (she still needed to mature and learn the fine arts of seduction, while he’s already a handsome national hero a.k.a. a lady killer… literally). Through their efforts experimenting on Eve we get some further details on how the alien species operates. Many thousands of years ago the alien DNA was sent to Mars (much like it was sent to Earth in the first Species). It infected the Martians that lived there and destroyed everything leaving the once thriving planet desolate (this is only implied, but I love how bonkers it is). As suspected in the first film, the aliens aren’t here to take over the earth, but rather just to exterminate us. The alien hybrids are advanced biological weapons. Furthermore, through their experimentation they figure out that Eve/Sil won’t mate with inferior DNA not by preference for a stronger mate, but because she literally can’t mate with inferior DNA. This allows for one of the astronauts with sickle cell trait to not only be immune from infection, but also makes his blood poisonous to the aliens (which seems like a super terrible fatal flaw of the weapon, right? You’d think they would have R&D’d that shit a bit more before launch). They pack up his blood and go a-alien killing (culminating in a scene where Press stabs the astronaut in the leg with a pitchfork in order to use his freshly squeezed blood to kill the final alien puppet monster. Word.) Don’t try to think through the science of how this all works… seriously, don’t try. It’s horrendous. In fact, while the first film tried hard to keep things coherent, Species II allowed itself to descend into ridiculousness and contradiction almost immediately.

Who?! Definitively no Planchet in this one, so I’ll just give a little shout-out to my favorite minor character: Richard Belzer randomly playing the President of the United States. You read that correctly. Mr. Law & Order himself. So minor that it’s not even listed on the wikipedia page for portrayals of Presidents in film. Maybe I’ll have to go ahead and add it.

Where?! We jump coasts for the sequel and are entrenched in our nation’s capital, where most of the action takes place. We get some nice scenes of the Capitol building, clear license places, etc. Additionally, we get a “Welcome to Virginia” billboard when the characters jump the border, which is my favorite. Overall a solid B.

When?! Booooooooo, no clear indication of the exact date that the film took place. We know it’s not too long after the first film due to returning characters, but that’s all we got. At one point Eve is shown watching an MLB game, so if I were truly insane I would try to figure out what game that was to give us an exact date. Fortunately I’m not that insane (yet). F

I gave you all the pieces of species (ooof, sorry about that), now let’s see how it stood up to BMT analysis.

Patrick

‘Ello everyone! Species II? More like Cease Please, Too! Amirite? If I seem less excited about that kick ass rhyme that means you didn’t read my recap of Species because I made the same rhyme and my mind melted. Now it is old news. In the second installment of the series we have the vicious besmirching of the name Patrick by the alien/astronaut Patrick Ross. The sequel brings a ton more sex, but let’s just say I thought it got a bit less erotic. Let’s go!

The Good – Hmmmmm, I guess I kind of like the idea of continued experiments on Sil and trying to make her a defense against a future alien attack. I did find it a little odd there is just no mention of the fact that a nearby solar system has not only intelligent life, but deadly killer intelligent life (and yet we are happily trotting off to Mars to collect exactly three soil samples, good use of your 16 month journey idiots). This is starting to look like criticism, but there really isn’t much to like in this sequel beyond that it delivers on a few of the promises (what if the alien was a man? We could be doomed!) from the first film.
The Bad – Hmmm, well they got rid of what I liked about the first film (a gaggle of alien hunters on the trail of a fugitive alien, Forest Whitaker’s kind of awesome if confounding empath, the learning about the world aspect of Sil) and replaced it with trash. Now we have terrible practical effects instead of terrible CGI. And as I said, the sex is just less erotic, mainly because most of the women in the film eventually burst in half. The movie is slower and a bigger mess. There is nearly nothing to like here.
The BMT – And yet, I don’t feel like the movie is completely dog poo in my face … and I can’t really think why. I think this movie is like a 50. Above average, but too shoddily made to jump up to 70ish. It is hard to recommend the film, although back-to-back with its surprisingly superior predecessor I might consider it.

Today Species II has inspired me to dust off the old Ph.D. and get back to Sklogbusting the scientific myths from bad movies. In this episode we look at the starting mission to Mars. In that mission to Mars Patrick Ross becomes the first person to walk on the surface and, ultimately, he collects exactly three soil samples to bring back to Earth. First flag: According to NASA is takes six months to get to Mars (and in the movie I do believe they say it is day 180 of the mission, so that makes sense), but you would have to stay on/at Mars for about 1.5 years in order for the planets to align to make the return trip. In all the mission would take 2.5 years … and yet they snag three soil samples and happily return home. I guess it is all that sweet cash from the advertisements on their ship’s rocket booster (thanks Pepsi, Sprint, and others for the probably billion dollars this wasteful mission cost). So that’s complete horseshit. Second flag, it is later revealed that Dennis Gamble, the only non-infected astronaut on the mission, wasn’t infected because he is a carrier of the sickle cell genetic marker. Now, I know that athletes for example have to be very concerned about playing in Denver with this trait (see the case of Trent Coleman). So could an astronaut be on the first manned mission to Mars with the trait? In fact you are not explicitly barred from becoming an astronaut due to carrying the trait, and since the 1970s the Air Force no longer discharged servicemembers carrying the trait! So indeed it is possible. I’m going partially busted here. No way the mission shook out the way it did, but the personnel seems plausible (even if it is ludicrous that only three people would be involved in a manned mission to Mars). Oh, they were also talking directly to Houston without an eight minute delay. This documentary seems like a load of shit.

Cheerios,

The Sklogs

Species Recap

Jamie

What?! The US government has secretly combined human and alien DNA to create a hybrid named Sil. After realizing her danger they attempt to kill her only to have her escape to Los Angeles. Can they destroy her before she finds a mate and her DNA spreads like an unstoppable virus?! Find out in… Species.

Why?! Sil is a mating machine. She literally has a single thing in mind: find the ideal mate, get naked, get it on, and kill anyone that gets in her way. The agents chasing her (an all-star cast of Michael Madsen, Marg Helgenberger, Forest Whitaker, and Alfred Molina) also only have one thing in mind: kill Sil… and also get it on with each other and anyone else that might come along (it’s an erotic thriller after all). That’s it though. The species films are amazing in their single-mindedness.

How?! Once Sil escapes, the team of agents get to work. These are the bounty hunter Press Lennox (a real name written down in a script), Dr. Baker who kinda runs the show on the science side, a useless anthropologist, and Forest Whitaker’s empath, who is a super useful psychic-type who feel deeply about everything (including exactly where Sil is at all times… phew, how lucky). They track her from murder to murder until Sil, learning from avid TV watching (much like a President of the United States I know), fakes her own death and throws them off. Shortly thereafter the unsuspecting (and still useless) anthropologist is seduced by the alien-in-disguise (i.e. a wig) and inadvertently impregnates her (you are so useless!). Fortunately, Whitaker feels her presence in the hotel room and they chase her to a series of tar pits deep under the hotel (conveniently made accessible by the 1994 earthquake). Sil is able to give birth, but she and her baby are almost immediately thrown into a flaming pool of tar, destroying all of their terrible alien DNA… or did it? It’s actually a pretty tight plot as far as horror-scifi-erotic-thrillers go.

Who?! The comic relief is certainly Alfred Molina, however it’s tough to consider him a Planchet. He’s more like the 4th (and least important) Musketeer. He’s also useless, a horndog, and majorly fucks up at the end to almost destroy the Earth. So boo on him.

Where?! Beautiful settings film. The film very clearly starts in Utah, the location of the top secret lab that created Sil. She then catches a train through Salt Lake City and onwards to Los Angeles, where most of the film takes place. This plays on a common theme in film and TV: that taboos are so acceptable in the dangerous world of LA that even a killer alien seductress would hardly make a splash there. B

When?! Near the beginning we are told that in 1993 the alien DNA was sent to earth. You would think that would be it… that is until Sil is hit by a car and hospitalized. Against all rules and regulations of HIPPA we get a full on glimpse of her hospital file and find that Sil was admitted on April 24, 1995. Exact date (although I think it would have to be confirmed with a Blu-Ray copy of the film as it’s hard to make out for sure). Props to the props guy who even had her name as “Jane Doe” in the file. Very thorough. B-

Patrick

‘Ello everyone! Species? More like Cease Please! AMIRITE!?!? Woof, I need to catch my breath there, that kick ass rhyme was a bit too much for me. What do you get when you cross the Sci-Fi / Horror wonder of Alien with literally softcore pornography? The rare and wondrous world of the Erotic-Sci-Fi-Horror genre. Shhhh, don’t scare it away, let’s get into it:

The Good – I kind of dug The Fugitive crossed with Alien feel of the storyline here. Speaking of which the story is surprisingly coherent: Sil is good at two things. Killing and reproducing. Anyone who gets in the way of her reproducing is gonna get killed. Easy peasy. Gets going fast and goes at a good clip.
The Bad – The CGI, woooooof. Not a good choice. I think that might be what held the series back a bit. The alien puppet/CGI in the first two films never fascinates you like the xenomorph or predator does. Not surprisingly Sil’s acting is subpar. And Whitaker’s character, even though I kind of love it, sticks out like a sore thumb (they bring in a biologist, sociologist, manhunter and … a psychic? Like, are we now required to believe this empath stuff is real?). Terrible twist ending where in the end a rat is infested by the alien DNA. Based on what we have just seen on screen this situation would inevitably lead to the end of the world as we know it.
The BMT – No, I kind of dug this film. The twist at the end kind of ruins things, and it is silly, but again, totally into The Fugitive crossed with Alien idea. I would give it a 10. Definitively below average and basically underrated by its rotten tomatoes score in my opinion.

I’m thinking Sequel Prequel Remake, but in this case I’m thinking television show. A true crossover between The Fugitive and X-Files. Almost a Men In Black project. You got Press Lennox as the manhunter, Dr. Laura Baker the xenobiologist, Dr. Stephen Arden the sociologist, and Dan Smithson the hyper-observant human lie-detector, all directed by Xavier Fitch the mysterious director of the secret government agency entrusted with hunting down and neutralizing alien threats against Earth. Season 1: The assembly of the team in order to hunt down Sil, the human-alien hybrid developed after a transmission from space is decoded and orders followed. Finale has Sil getting killed, cliffhanger is the development of Eve, the friendly and almost unstoppable clone of Sil. Season 2, Eve is on the team and a new alien threat in the form of national hero and infected astronaut Patrick Ross emerges. This develops into hunting down the offspring he leaves behind in a cross country rampage culminating in the mutual destruction of Eve and Patrick. Later seasons further explore the landscape of these evil alien species, who now know humans as an opposing sinister force on the cusp of long-distance space travel, and the attempt to survive the ensuing galactic war. Species: The Series! Coming this … fall or something on … Netflix or something.

Cheerios,

The Sklogs

Species II Preview

There had been some thought that this week might be time for a BMT Live! Rings came out to absolutely horrifying reviews (see what I did there?) and we had to think quick on whether we should act. The answer: not until we see the reviews for Fifty Shades Darker. It would be irresponsible to let it go by without giving it a chance at BMT Live! glory. It deserves it. So instead we head into SciFi/Fantasy and get to do a set of films that I’ve been eyeing for awhile. That’s right, we’re watching Species and Species II. These films promise three things: nudity, a scene where someone kisses someone else and their tongue bursts through the back of their skull, and… uh… nudity again. So basically I’m super duper duper excited. Let’s go!

Species II (1998) – BMeTric: 67.3

speciesii_bmet

speciesii_rv

(Again we see the 2011 inflection and regression to the mean as the votes increase. Unlike its predecessor this one is considered definitively bad. As I said in the Species preview these plots are all starting to look the same to me, so I’m categorizing them. For Species II I’m going to call it: Poorly Rated, but Perplexingly Popular. In this case a sub-5 rating is definitively terrible, but we still see a high number of votes (I think … I think I’m going to automate this now that I think about it).)

Leonard Maltin – BOMB – The first man on Mars gets infested with alien DNA, and begins raping women who immediately, and fatally, give birth. Elsewhere, scientists have recreated the half-alien woman from the first film, hoping she’ll be nice this time. Compared to this clunker, the first looks like a collaboration between Arthur C. Clarke and Ray Bradbury.

(Well, I’ll set aside the atrocious last line there. This plot sounds bonkers. Like … the first part! This will be at least the third film in which someone gets infected by a disease on Mars. And like Doom and Ghosts of Mars before it may it be a ridiculous nonsense movie.)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LE-Amil6oQc

(Also seems pretty rad … but also definitely a step down from the last one. That storyline is indeed just as bonkers as Leonard seemed to suggest. So he wasn’t exaggerating there. I having a feeling the erotic horror sci-fi genre might not attract the best and brightest you know? …)

Directors – Peter Medak – (Known For: The Changeling; The Krays; Zorro: The Gay Blade; The Ruling Class; Let Him Have It; BMT: Species II; Romeo Is Bleeding; Notes: Has had a very long career in Hollywood starting in the late 50’s. His best known film has got to be The Ruling Class for which Peter O’Toole received an Oscar nomination for Actor.)

Writers – Dennis Feldman (written by) – (Known For: Just One of the Guys; BMT: Species II; Virus; Species (BMT); The Golden Child (BMT); Notes: Just a character credit on this one. I find it amusing that he also wrote Virus, which Jamie Lee Curtis considers her worst film.)

Chris Brancato (written by) – (Known For: Hoodlum; BMT: Species II; Notes: He is the creator of the Netflix show Narcos… say what?)

Actors – Natasha Henstridge – (Known For: The Whole Nine Yards; Bounce; BMT: Species II; Ghosts of Mars (BMT); The Whole Ten Yards; Maximum Risk; Adrenalin: Fear the Rush; Species (BMT); Steal; Deception; Dog Park; Notes: Uh… I already had to make a note for the first Species so… she’s Canadian and part Native American. Fun stuff, right?)

Michael Madsen – (Known For: The Hateful Eight; Kill Bill: Vol. 1; Reservoir Dogs; The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe; Sin City; Kill Bill: Vol. 2; Die Another Day; WarGames; Wyatt Earp; Thelma & Louise; Donnie Brasco; The Doors; Free Willy; The Natural; Pauly Shore Is Dead; BMT: BloodRayne; Species II; My Boss’s Daughter; Scary Movie 4 (BMT); Free Willy 2: The Adventure Home; Hell Ride; House; Species (BMT); Notes: Brother of BMT legend Virginia Madsen.)

Marg Helgenberger – (Known For: Erin Brockovich; Bad Boys; Mr. Brooks; Always; In Good Company; My Fellow Americans; BMT: Species II; Fire Down Below (BMT); Species (BMT); The Cowboy Way; Notes: Won an Emmy for her role in the Vietnam War drama China Beach.)

Budget/Gross – $35 million / Domestic: $19,221,939 (N/A)

(Wowzer. I would genuinely believe it if this was the worst original-to-sequel ratio for a major release ever. The original made basically six times more that its sequel and they were released to roughly the same number of cinemas. Astonishing.)

#47 for the Creature Feature genre

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(Ooooof right near Shark Night 3D. I feel like 1998 is a significant year where the studio system completed its transition from the blockbuster 80’s era through slow experimentation with CGI and effects. From 2000-2010 we would enter a true golden age where bad movies flowed like wine. Here though an Erotic SciFi Horror sequel was made and released to 2500 theaters. Think about that.)

#29 for the Sci-Fi Horror genre

scifihorror_29

(That peak though. This sadly clocks in right around Apollo 18 which undoubtable cost maybe $40 to make. But it came right at a true peak of the genre. It has been an up and down experience since, but the Species franchise could have stood alongside the second tier of the genre (Underworld and Resident Evil) if not for flaming out and pushing out two direct-to-video sequels instead of waiting on a better opportunity.)

Rotten Tomatoes – 9% (3/33): No consensus yet.

(Another consensus to make: A totally unnecessary sequel which amps up the silliness without adding any brains to the equation. Nearly exploitative in its gratuity. As EW puts it: “By now, if you’ve seen one set of slimy phallic tentacles shooting out of someone’s back during orgasm, you’ve seen ’em all.” Sounds like a plan EW.)

Poster – Mating Skloging Begins (C-)

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(I like the color tone and the font (again), but there is a bit much going on now. What are all the sparkles everywhere? Stars and… a bunch of lines like in a western blot… because DNA or something?)

Tagline(s) – Mating season begins… (C-)

(Meh. It’s short and certainly tells you what this one is all about: some aliens going to the bone zone. Rad. But nothing clever about it.)

Keyword(s) – sex scene; Top Ten by BMeTric: 89.8 Fifty Shades of Grey (2015); 78.6 Sex and the City 2 (2010); 72.7 Jason X (2001); 71.4 Showgirls (1995); 67.3 Species II (1998); 65.3 The Boy Next Door (2015); 63.8 Knock Knock (I) (2015); 62.6 All About Steve (2009); 62.0 Jennifer’s Body (2009); 59.1 Captivity (2007);

(Pretty amazing list. Wish something like Color of Night could sneak in though, those classic 80’s/90’s erotic thrillers deserve a place on the list, some representative.)

Notes – Though showing Eve in a black leather outfit on some of the posters and DVD-Covers, she never actually wears it in the film.

Shortest of all four Species movies. (small blessings …)

EVE stands for Extraterrestrial Vulnerability Experiment. (Egad)

Most of the nude scenes, such as the debutantes having sex with Patrick or the strip-club sequence, were shortened in the final version of the movie. The full scenes can be seen in the DVD extra features. (No wonder someone stole the DVD from the Minnesota public library system)

Natasha Henstridge is on the miller lite cut out in the grocery store when they are hunting her. (nooooooooooo. Never a good idea. I hope the cut out says “Great taste, less filling, out of this world.” Get it? Cause she’s a famous alien.)

Species Preview

Species (1995) – BMeTric: 34.9

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(This plot basically shows the 2011 inflection and regression to the mean. The BMeTric is amazingly consistent through time (35 basically). Hey, since these plot are getting a little boring I’m going to start a new series with this. This is to put movies into groups based on what I see. The first group, for Species, is: Below Average and Perplexingly Popular. Basically this movie ultimate doesn’t seem too bad (rating of 5.8), but the sheer number of votes (nearly 60 thousand) gives an impressive BMeTric overall.)

Leonard Maltin – 2.5 stars – DNA-tampering scientists at a Utah facility ultimately get theirs after creating a murderous creature, complete with tentacles, who’s packages like a blond centerfold. Fast and not without entertainment value, but don’t look at yourself in the mirror too closely if you end up defending it. Direction is somewhat sturdier than the script, which has its share of (we think) unintentional howlers.

(I mean, I’m all about unintentional howlers Leonard, you know me. Films with the horrible villain-scientists are the best though. Like Bats I hope these guys are real megalomaniacal assholes.)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HbaYnTLuX7U

(Alright, that looks pretty rad. Pretty old school though. Just a short rundown of the movie: Contact, communication, experiment, termination, escape, pursuit, mutation, confrontation, outcome unknown. Species! Yeah …. That sounds about right, and I’m on board!)

Directors – Roger Donaldson – (Known For: The Bank Job; The Recruit; The Bounty; Thirteen Days; No Way Out; The World’s Fastest Indian; Cadillac Man; White Sands; Smash Palace; BMT: Dante’s Peak; Cocktail (BMT); Species; The Getaway; Justice; The November Man; Notes: Nominated for the Razzie Award in 1989 for Worst Director for Cocktail. His son Chris represented New Zealand in the 100 meter sprint in 1996 and 2000 Olympics. Now that’s a fun fact.)

Writers – Dennis Feldman (written by) – (Known For: Just One of the Guys; BMT: Species II; Virus; Species; The Golden Child (BMT); Notes: Brother of Randy Feldman who wrote Tango & Cash and son of producer Phil Feldman.)

Actors – Natasha Henstridge – (Known For: The Whole Nine Yards; Bounce; BMT: Species II; Ghosts of Mars (BMT); The Whole Ten Yards; Maximum Risk; Adrenalin: Fear the Rush; Species; Steal; Deception; Dog Park; Notes: According to an interview she gave in Empire she turned down roles in both Independence Day and Men In Black after reading the scripts and thinking, “What is this shit?”)

Michael Madsen – (Known For: The Hateful Eight; Kill Bill: Vol. 1; Reservoir Dogs; The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe; Sin City; Kill Bill: Vol. 2; Die Another Day; WarGames; Wyatt Earp; Thelma & Louise; Donnie Brasco; The Doors; Free Willy; The Natural; Pauly Shore Is Dead; BMT: BloodRayne; Species II; My Boss’s Daughter; Scary Movie 4 (BMT); Free Willy 2: The Adventure Home; Hell Ride; House; Species; Notes: A published poet (he has released eight books of poetry) and photographer.)

Ben Kingsley – (Known For: The Jungle Book; Schindler’s List; Shutter Island; Hugo; Knight of Cups; Iron Man Three; Ender’s Game; A.I. Artificial Intelligence; Night at the Museum: Secret of the Tomb; Lucky Number Slevin; The Walk; The Dictator; Gandhi; Eliza Graves; Tuck Everlasting; Sexy Beast; The Boxtrolls; Life; Sneakers; Oliver Twist; The Triumph of Love; Robot Overlords; Dave; House of Sand and Fog; Searching for Bobby Fischer; Learning to Drive; Bugsy; Transsiberian; BMT: The Love Guru (BMT); BloodRayne; A Sound of Thunder (BMT); Thunderbirds; The Last Legion; Species; War, Inc.; The Ten Commandments; Exodus: Gods and Kings; Suspect Zero; Slipstream; Rules of Engagement; Self/less; Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time; Notes: Nominated for the Razzie Award in 2009 for Worst Supporting Actor for The Love Guru, War, Inc., and The Wackness; and in 2007 for BloodRayne. Nominated for four Oscars, winning one for Gandhi.)

Budget/Gross – $35 million / Domestic: $60,074,103 (Worldwide: $113,374,103)

(Of course, otherwise there is no chance this is franchised. Just thinking of the storyline I don’t think they would even think of this these days. It almost comes across as exploitation, and with erotic thrillers being basically a totally defunct genre I don’t really see it. Erotic Sci-Fi Horror … how’d this make $100 million?!)

#17 for the Creature Feature genre

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(Ooooo right on the cusp of a giant surge. Obviously this was fueled by Jurassic Park (not this one, but creature features). Critters 2 and King Kong Lives are recent BMT examples, and recently the genre is back with Jurassic World and Godzilla. The new King Kong should continue that trend if it gets good reviews.)

#10 for the Sci-Fi Horror genre

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(Ahead of its time! And since about 1995 it has been a pretty consistently released genre. It just doesn’t make a ton of money. I mean, Species is the 10th highest grossing film ever! It is at quite the nadir at the moment, but things like Predator and Alien should sustain it for at least a while longer. It isn’t totally VOD yet!)

Rotten Tomatoes – 34% (12/35): No consensus yet.

(Ooooo I love giving consensuses: A smart take on schlocky sci-fi horror which ultimately devolves into soft-core pornography with a clunky premise. My favorite part of a review is from Ebert himself where he describes the alien as a: “[d]isgusting, slimy morph-creatures with rows of evil teeth, whose greatest cultural achievement is jumping out at people from behind things.” I don’t like jump scares either Ebert.)

Poster – Our Sklog is Up (B+)

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(While it is cheesy in a lot of ways, it is also epic. Really raw image with great font, nice balance, and coloring. Looks like a knockoff of the Alien poster. Still good though.)

Tagline(s) – Two decades ago scientists sent a message to space. This… is the reply. (B)

(Too long and detailed (we need to know that it was two decades ago?), but I like the suspense. Got some cleverness in too with the ellipses.)

Keyword(s) – interspecies sex; Top Ten by BMeTric: 67.3 Howard The Duck (1986); 46.7 Caligula (1979); 35.9 Decoys (2004); 35.8 Splice (2009); 34.9 Species (1995); 22.9 Ta paidia tou Diavolou (1976); 20.1 The Dunwich Horror (1970); 18.5 Une vraie jeune fille (1976); 17.2 The Nine Lives of Fritz the Cat (1974); 17.0 The Beast Within (1982);

(This is real everyone. This is the real top keyword for this movie on IMDb, yet again proving that IMDb keywords are useless … also false! Howard the Duck never has sex with a human. Liars! This list is a house of lies!)

Notes – During the production, MGM opted not to shoot the “nightmare train” sequence to keep costs down. H.R. Giger was not willing to accept that, however, so he spent $100,000 of his own money to finance the sequence.

For the scene in which Sil is ‘born’ from the cocoon, the train set was built upside down. Natasha Henstridge, totally naked and covered in KY Jelly lubricant, was pushed through the cocoon, and the shot was flipped upside down afterwards, to achieve the effect of her falling out.

Xavier (Ben Kingsley) Fitch says that the alien signal was received by the Arecibo radio telescope exactly nineteen years after an outbound message was transmitted. Since the transmissions traveled at the speed of light, that means that the alien solar system is approximately nine light-years from Earth. There are two stars which are likely candidates, Sirius and Luyten 726-8A. (now these are the fun facts I like to see)

Fitch’s comment that they made Sil female to be more docile is an in-joke that belies his ignorance. In every predatory species known, the female is always more aggressive. (I don’t believe this is true)

Michael Madsen and Marg Helgenberger were allowed to improvise their sex scene.

SIL is actually S1L, the medical cell in the lab where the DNA was grown.

An early draft of the script had the young Sil calmly killing a friendly cab driver. In an effort to keep the audience’s sympathy for her character (and to make the murder of the porter more shocking) the scene was changed to Sil killing a tramp in self defense after he attempts to attack her. (There was another BMT film like this, where there clearly was just no kills by the “bad” protagonist for almost the entire movie … but I can’t remember what it was, although I do remember it was a terrible idea.)

When Sil watches TV at the motel, she flips through different channels and they all show various things she will do later in the film. Like having sex, changing her hair, showing off her body, etc. (coooooool)

Smaddies Baddies IV

It has become an annual tradition. On the anniversary of the start of Bad Movie Thursday we take a look back at the year in review. With a name that’s just as bad as the films it honors it is ….

Smaddies Baddies! Smaddies Baddies! Ah what a year. We saw Shaq pretend to act, and read some terrible books, we started the BMT Calendar, and took the time machine to 30 years ago to see what was cracking on the bad movie scene during the Sklogs’ birth year, and no year would be complete without watching the worst of the worst (some in theaters in our new and improved BMT Live! system). Remember, any film we watched in 2016 qualifies. Smaddies Baddies, what films to we want to bestow the highest honor in all of Hollywood (er … Minnesota and London as least)?

As usual let’s start with the sci-tech awards of the BMT world: the special awards. New and improved with a 6W’s theme. Let’s go!

The Battlefield Earth Most Ludicrous Plot Baddie (What?!) goes to: The Avengers. It’s about Sean Connery blackmailing the world with a weather machine while dressed as a giant bear and riding around in a hot air balloon. The entire film is trash… and we loved it.

The Street Fighter Legend of Chun Li McGuffin Baddie (Why?!) goes to: Shanghai Surprise in which Sean Penn and Madonna spend the entire movie looking for “Faraday’s Flowers” which they think is opium, but then turns out to be a bunch of jewels… but they somehow still end up finding a bunch of opium.. It’s a very confusing McGuffin.

The 88 Minutes Worst Twist Baddie (How?!) goes to: Basic Instinct 2. If you don’t remember the entire film is about Sharon Stone probably (possibly, maybe) committing a series of murders… in the end it’s revealed that the psychiatrist (and hero?) was in fact insane and committed the murders… that he was helping investigate… but he was insane. Jesus.

The He Just Wants To Go To Fashion Week! Best Planchet Baddie (Who?!) goes to London Has Fallen where Gerard Butler get a bestie, SAS Lieutenant played by Bryan Larkin. He doesn’t even have a name! He’s in like thirty minutes of the film! He basically saves the President’s life at the end and he doesn’t even have a name! He’s just called SAS Lieutenant!

The I Know Who Killed Me Best Twins Ever Baddie (also Who?!, a tie!) goes to The Forest which starred a person playing a set of identical, and arguably stigmata, twins. We love twin films (obviously) and this one is probably the most satisfying since Lindsay Lohan got a robot arm and leg.

The When in Rome Location as a Character Baddie (Where?!) goes to London Has Fallen. It’s got it all: the name of the location is in the title, and that location plays a huge and indispensable role in the film … yeah, that really is all it takes. It literally has it all.

The Cobra Memorial Secret Holiday Film Baddie (When?!) goes to Get Carter. Sly Must love Christmas because for almost no reason this film is set during Christmas. I would give a strong runner up to Cheaper by the Dozen 2 whose finale takes place during the rarely represented holiday of Labor Day.

Phew. Now onto the big awards, no officially based on The Good, The Bad and The BMT. And without further ado:

The Freddy Got Fingered Surprisingly Good Baddie (The Good) Nominees: No Mercy, Taxi, On Deadly Ground, Harlem Nights, Conan the Destroyer.

And the Winner is: No Mercy. No Mercy was a genuinely fun movie starring a gritty Richard Gere and Kim Basinger doing a subtle (!) Cajun accent. Quite fun. Would recommend.

The Strange Wilderness Unpleasantly Terrible Baddie (The Bad) Nominees: Pinocchio, Under the Cherry Moon, The Chamber, Basic Instinct 2, The Fog.

And the Winner is: The Fog. With a surprisingly good predecessor the remake manages to shit all over that completely. The highlight of the recap: “It wasn’t even so ridiculous you laugh at it, you stare at it in confusion and disgust. Blah.” Blah indeed.

The Here on Earth Most BMT Baddie (The BMT) Nominees: White Chicks, Mechanic: Resurrection, Can’t Stop the Music, Get Carter, The Avengers.

And the Winner is: White Chicks. The look like monsters! It will be the enduring chant whenever bad makeup makes it into BMT. They look like monsters. They trick people who know who the people they are impersonating are … and they look like monsters. Incredible. I almost want to watch it again right now!

The Jack and Jill Worst of 2016 Baddie (BMT Live!) Nominees: Zoolander 2, Mechanic Resurrection, London Has Fallen, The Forest.

And the overwhelming Winner is: Mechanic: Resurrection. I watched this film in a desolate theater and watched in shock horror at the terrible CGI, the ludicrous plot, and Tommy Lee Jones playing a gun runner with a heart of gold. The predecessor wasn’t even that good (although the original was pretty solid) and yet it looks like The Godfather compared to this pile of garbage.

Smaddies Baddies, Smaddies Baddies. I love it when a wide array of films gets recognized. As usual, for those of you who fell asleep for the announcements: Watch White Chicks, No Mercy, and The Avengers. Skip Mechanic Resurrection, The Fog, and The Forest. They look like monsters!

Are We Done Yet? Recap

Jamie

What?! Nick Persons is back and the playa has settled down. With a new job and a growing family it’s time to buy a house in the country. Unfortunately the one they find is more than they bargained for and they are soon overwhelmed with renovation headaches. Can Nick turn it around and make the house their dream home? Find out in… Are We Done Yet?

Why?! Nick was totally content with living it up with Suzanne, Kevin, and Lindsey in his tiny bachelor pad in downtown Portland. However, he gets big news when Suzanne announces she’s pregnant with twins. That just won’t work. That’s why they end up needing to buy a house. The reason why they end up getting in trouble with renovations is classic hubris. Nick thinks he can do everything himself so he impulse buys the house and then skimps on the necessary inspections, opening himself to being taken advantage of by the local contractor. He then has to try to manage the ballooning costs as he’s forced to do a complete overhaul. So basically this is a Greek tragedy with a tragic downfall of our hero Nick… except that it all works out in the end and everyone lives happily ever after. Literally no one else in this film has any motivations or storylines of interest.

How?! While Nick’s hubris is the reason for his renovation disaster, the disaster itself is caused by one evil, manipulative human being played by John C. McGinley. He uses classic sales tactics to take advantage of Nick’s hubris and trick him into buying a dilapidated house. Since he’s also the town’s only certified contracted (and the town’s building inspector) he then stands to profit greatly from Nick’s failure to inspect the house. It is horrific, and yet in the end you grow to love McGinley’s character because… he’s like sad or something… so it’s okay that he steals from people (?)… I think. You know what, don’t worry about it. This film is terrible. By the end of the film Nick endears himself to the townspeople, rebuilds his house, they have their babies, he starts a home renovation themed magazine, and everyone is literally the happiest any people have ever been ever.

Who?! McGinley is waaaay too big a character to be a Plachet (he appears more than Nia Long in the film), but he’s the closest we’ve got. He’s essentially the exact same character as he played in Scrubs… which is really weird. At this point I have to assume that’s what he’s like in real life too. How else would every character he plays end up being exactly the same?

Where?! We are still in Oregon, just instead of Portland we’ve moved out into the boonies. Sadly the location is much less important in this one and there are far fewer instances where two characters stand around discussing the virtues of Portland. C+

When?! This was a double downgrade from Are We There Yet? to Are We There Yet? Not only isn’t this a holiday film (boo), this isn’t even an exact date film (booooooooo). We get very little sense of when the film actually takes place and this becomes even more confusing once you realize that about 5-7 months or so pass during the film… so you don’t get anything to latch onto from scene to scene. Sigh. F

Patrick

‘Ello everyone! Are We Done Yet? More like Is This Movie Done Yet?! Boom, almost as if it was made for it. A sequel to a family comedy starring Ice Cube? What could go wrong? Considering their intention appears to be cracking jokes about Ice Cube falling off things absolutely nothing it would seem! Let’s get into it.

The Good – I mean, I like McGinley even if he plays the same character at this point (and forever will). He’s carved quite the odd niche out for himself hasn’t he? I also think Ice Cube is charming as usual, and hey, Nia Long has a bit more to do this time. Fun fact: This is the second sequel to a comedy we’ve seen this year (!) where Nia Long is pregnant, the other being Big Momma’s House 2.
The Bad – Having established that acting isn’t really a problem what is? Well the mere concept of the film kind of. There isn’t a single funny moment, the entire movie is just stressful and not very enjoyable, and the conflicts are ludicrous. The biggest sin though? Incredibly dull. Just a waste of life.
The BMT – I mean … no. It is a waste of life. There isn’t a payoff in any way shape or form. Literally the only reasons I kind of enjoyed doing this film for BMT is because (1) It’s got cred given the amazingly low rotten tomatoes scores for both films, and (2) it is a remake of a film from 1948 which in and of itself is ridiculous. But naw, there isn’t a need. It is a kids film, and naturally those rarely pay off.

And, given that this is a remake let’s turn in a little BMT Homework Sklog-signment. We often have homework assignments (books to read, previous installments to watch, television shows to … ignore). This movie though was pretty special, a film from 1948 called Mr. Blandings Builds His Dream House starring Cary Grant and Myma Loy (what a name! She lived to the age of 98!). It was also aggressively aggravating and incredibly long. Basically what you are watching is two people flush money down the toilet due to arrogance and stupidity. And just as their lives fall totally apart their black cook saves their asses (don’t worry she gets a raise though …). I did not like this movie for some of the same reasons I knew I wouldn’t like Are We Done Yet? Financial difficulties stress me out even when they are fiction. The only reason I survived both movies without tearing my hair out was that I knew both would have happy endings. And they did. Spoiler alert. Still despite great performances by both leads I wouldn’t recommend Mr. Blandings Builds His Dream House either (although I wouldn’t call it a waste of life either, it is kind of fun seeing how perceptions of things like Connecticut have changed in the last 60+ years).

Cheerios,

The Sklogs

Are We There Yet? Recap

Jamie

What?! Nick Persons is a pure playa living it up in Portland until one day he falls hard for Suzanne, a single mom of two kids whose sole mission in life is to scare off their mother’s potential suitors. When Nick is asked to bring the kids to Vancouver for New Years, he sees an opportunity to get a little closer to her. Can he survive the trip with her two brats and get the girl? Find out in… Are We There Yet?!

Why?! Nick’s motivations are quite pure: he’s in love with Suzanne. For real, he’s like the sweetest dude ever. He drives her to work, takes her to the airport, helps her grocery shop, etc. All while accepting that he might end up deep in the friendzone. And so the motivation for driving her kids to Vancouver is all in the name of love. The kids’ motivation for making the trip a living nightmare (for Nick and the viewer) is also love… for their biological father. Unfortunately he turns out to be a giant doucher.

How?! Well, at first the trip should be super easy. Just fly the kids to Vancouver. A couple hours and boom, Nick’s heading to a baller New Year’s Eve kiss with the woman of his dreams. But things are never so easy in Hollywood. The son, Kevin, brings a corkscrew to the airport and gets them kicked off their flight. Then he has to go to the bathroom and generally fucks around until they miss their train (and seemingly lose all their luggage, though that’s never mentioned again). Finally they just decide to drive, where the kids proceed to destroy his car (for real, it eventually blows up), get him chased by truckers as a potential kidnapper, and delay them so badly that Suzanne is ready to call the cops. In the end, he’s just a good dude though, so despite all the ups and downs Suzanne realizes he’s the man for her. Hooray?

Who?! Super obvious planchet here: the animated Satchel Paige bobblehead that Nick carries everywhere and talks to. You read that right. That is an actual thing in this film. He is voiced by Tracey Morgan and, against all odds, was not scrapped during rewrites.

Where?! There should be a special Smaddies Baddies just for a film that is so perfectly and inexplicably set in a random place in the world. In this case this is set hard in Portland, Oregon. You might be like, “wait, an Ice Cube film set in Portland?” Yup, even the writers were surprised. At one point Nick jokes about how he obviously wasn’t born there, but rather moved there to play minor league baseball before settling down after an injury. They had to explain why it was set there because otherwise it would have been too crazy! A nice secondary setting in Vancouver. B+

When?! Even the temporal setting was random and yet perfect. It’s a holiday film! Nick is driving the kids to a New Year’s Eve event that their mother is working at in Vancouver. Deep down I kinda wish this was a Thanksgiving film, though. I feel like those are rarer. B.

Patrick

‘Ello everyone! Are We There Yet? More like Is It Done Yet? Amirite? There come a time in an actor’s life where they are now believable as a father figure in a family comedy. For Ice Cube that time was 2005. Was it a family friendly laugh riot? Not really. Let’s go!

The Good – I do think Ice Cube is a charming and accomplished actor and he manages to reasonably sustain the movie at times. The kid actors are also a lot better than one would expect. I’m always down for a little road trip comedy, kind of a rare thing these days.
The Bad – Yet again Nia Long is relegated to the role of fretting actress on the side, spending most of the movie holding one-sided conversations in Vancouver, this is a trend. The plot is ludicrous and requires one of the worst excuses to prevent Ice Cube from simply taking a short plane trip from Portland to Vancouver instead of driving. The movie feels like a series of vignettes as opposed to a cohesive movie. This movie has one of the more ridiculous excuses for a song and dance number I’ve ever seen just to get the young girl to sing a bit. The sequences in Portland in retrospect also seem tacked on and unnecessary.
The BMT – All in all I think the movie overshot its rotten tomatoes score. To get an 11% you need to be simply awful. This movie isn’t that awful. If you buy into it and enjoy seeing Ice Cube yell about damage to his precious new car over and over (and over) again, they you’ll probably think it isn’t so bad. I would say maybe a 25 BMeTric, middle of the pack.

I can’t really think of a good game here so I’m going to do a tiny Product Sklog-ment brought to you by McDonald’s. Da-da-da-da-da, we’re lovin’ it! In this case, if there was ever a Planchet in this film, it would be Ice Cube’s precious Lincoln Navigator. He buys it at the beginning of the film and he does not want children playing in it. But despite all his attempts the car is dented, it is stained, it is run off of the road destroying all four tires, and ultimately one of the kid vomits all over the interior and a final wreck results in it lighting on fire and exploding. As the magically bobblehead voiced by Tracy Morgan (and mysteriously missing from the sequel) says: “[His] insurance premiums are going to go through the roof!”, Classic. But this is one of the most in your face full-blown advertisements we’ve seen in a movie in a long while. Sandler-esque.

Cheerios,

The Sklogs

Are We Done Yet? Preview

Onwards and upwards to Chain Reaction. After painting ourselves into a corner last year we finally fully extricated ourselves from the mess by landing on Ride Along 2. This cycle we get to move from that to the Are We There Yet? Series through Ice Cube. While this is not the worst reviewed set of films in history (that would obviously go to Baby Geniuses and Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2 with a shocking 2% and 0% RT scores, respectively), this is pretty spectacular in its own right with 11% and 8% RT scores for the two films. Also, it has the strange distinction of having the first film be totally original and then having the second film be a remake of the Cary Grant film Mr. Blanding Builds His Dream House (that was in turn based on a book which itself was expanded from a short story). Sometimes you can’t make this shit up. Let’s go! Finish up the week’s previews with the home-reno laugh-fest installment of the mega-franchise:

Are We Done Yet? (2007) – BMeTric: 64.7

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(Unlike its predecessor I’m not very surprised with how these graphics look because it is a sequel to a terrible film. I am rather delighted by how close the BMeTrics are (Are We There Yet? has a BMeTric of 62.5). The rating does regress to the mean more this time, although perhaps the rating is just rising to reach the equally terrible Are We There Yet?? I don’t know. Nice 2011 inflection like usual. Clockwork at this point.)

Leonard Maltin – 1.5 stars – Inevitable sequel to Are We There Yet? Is also an official remake of the 1948 comedy Mr. Blandings Builds His Dream House (complete with RKO Radio PIctures logo), but Ice Cube isn’t Cary Grant and this script is much more bland than Blandings. Premise is basically the same: a man moves his growing family out of the crowded city and into his “dream house” in the suburbs, where everything goes wrong. Endlessly unfunny slapstick antics may have you looking at your watch and asking the real question: “Is it over yet?”

(Ugh, much more bland? As a person who has now seen Mr. Blandings Builds His Dream House … I’m skeptical a movie could be more bland. Or at least I hope Are We Done Yet? isn’t as frustrating. I was squirming in my seat and only survived because of the telegraphed happy ending. Sigh.)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Op8AlTe5Js8

(Boooooo. These don’t look like fun bad movies, they look like bad boring movies. You better not bore me for three hours. Give me something to latch onto, a little lifesaver I can float on in the rocking bad movie seas.)

Directors – Steve Carr – (Known For: Middle School: The Worst Years of My Life; Dr. Dolittle 2; BMT: Movie 43 (BMT); Are We Done Yet?; Paul Blart: Mall Cop (BMT); Daddy Day Care; Rebound; Next Friday; Notes: Won the Razzie Award in 2014 for Worst Director for Movie 43; Wouldn’t be surprising to complete this guy’s filmography in the not-too-distant-future. Used to be a music video director and got his start with Next Friday after directing one of Ice Cube’s music videos. Currently attached to the terribly named Cinderfella which has a perfectly obvious plotline … it is Cinderella by the opposite.)

Writers – Hank Nelken (screenplay & screen story) – (BMT: Are We Done Yet?; Saving Silverman; Mama’s Boy; Notes: The only screenwriter on this project it would seem as the others are credited for either Are We There Yet? or the “original movie” Mr. Blandings Builds His Dream House. This guy has a true blue pull-yourself-up-by-the-bootstraps story starting in Mississippi and Texas making Bar Mitzvah videos and ultimately in Hollywood. He has no credits since 2011, but I would guess he’s been working behind the scenes for a while. He was at one point attached to a remake of the film Outlaw Blues.)

Steven Gary Banks and Claudia Grazioso (characters) – (BMT: Are We Done Yet?; Are We There Yet?; Notes: Wrote the predecessor Are We There Yet? Their note in that preview is quite interesting as it would seem they were tapped to write Just Go With It (probably with the intention of starring Ice Cube) which was eventually made without these guys and with Adam Sandler starring instead.)

Norman Panama (screenplay) – (Known For: Mr. Blandings Builds His Dream House; White Christmas; The Court Jester; Road to Utopia; My Favorite Blonde; BMT: Are We Done Yet?; Notes: Long time writing partner with Frank. It is kind of amazing to see one of the founding partnerships of Hollywood, they started writing together at the University of Chicago in 1942! They only have a credit on this film because Are We Done Yet? Is apparently an adaptation of Mr. Blandings Builds His Dream House, which is in turn based on a book, which was expanded from an original short story. I find it nuts that they so explicitly consider it an adaptation, the movie was made in 1950!)

Melvin Frank (screenplay) – (Known For: Mr. Blandings Builds His Dream House; White Christmas; The Court Jester; A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum; A Touch of Class; Road to Utopia; My Favorite Blonde; BMT: Are We Done Yet?; The Duchess and the Dirtwater Fox; Notes: Long time writing partner with Panama. Considered to be by far the more successful of the two because after going their separate ways in the 1960s Frank continued to direct (including the Oscar winning film A Touch of Class) and produce. Fun fact: I’ve always meant to watch The Court Jester because it stars a young Angela Lansbury and I am a Murder She Wrote mega-fan. Not joking.)

Actors – Ice Cube – (Known For: xXx: Return of Xander Cage; 21 Jump Street; Friday; The Book of Life; 22 Jump Street; Boyz n the Hood; Barbershop: A Fresh Cut; Three Kings; Barbershop; Rampart; Higher Learning; Barbershop 2: Back in Business; Trespass; The Glass Shield; The Longshots; BMT: xXx²: State of the Union (BMT); Anaconda; Torque (BMT); Are We Done Yet?; Ghosts of Mars (BMT); Are We There Yet?; First Sunday; Lottery Ticket; Ride Along 2 (BMT); Friday After Next; I Got the Hook Up; All About the Benjamins; Dangerous Ground; Ride Along (BMT); Next Friday; The Players Club; Notes: It is always weird writing two previews back to back when the same actors are in both. I’ll just say that I would put him right up there with The Rock as far as people who I would watch in a movie based on charm alone.)

Nia Long – (Known For: Friday; Keanu; Boyz n the Hood; Boiler Room; Alfie; Soul Food; The Best Man; The Best Man Holiday; Lemon; Roxanne Roxanne; The Broken Hearts Club: A Romantic Comedy; BMT: Big Momma’s House 2 (BMT); Are We Done Yet?; Are We There Yet?; Big Momma’s House (BMT); Made in America; Premonition; The Single Moms Club; Held Up; Stigmata; Notes: Same as with Ice Cube, this is the third little write up I’ve done for here in about a month. I would think Premonition is the last major BMT left in her filmography … which does actually qualify for our next planned cycle, Films That Got <10% on Rotten Tomatoes. So maybe a fourth Nia Long vehicle is coming our way.)

John C. McGinley – (Known For: Se7en; The Belko Experiment; Platoon; Office Space; Point Break; Identity; The Rock; Any Given Sunday; Wall Street; 42; Born on the Fourth of July; World Trade Center; Set It Off; Kid Cannabis; Nixon; BMT: Highlander II: The Quickening (BMT); The Animal; Are We Done Yet?; On Deadly Ground (BMT); Alex Cross (BMT); Get Carter (BMT); Summer Catch; Stealing Harvard; Car 54, Where Are You?; Get a Job; Wagons East; Wild Hogs (BMT); Three to Tango; Notes: I love McGinley and will look forward to completing his BMT filmography one day. Five movies is incredibly impressive. Favorite fact from IMDb? Raised in Millburn, NJ, and attended Millburn Senior High School, the alma mater of Anne Hathaway. Fun because that means he attended the same high school as bad movie mega-star Elliot Kalan of the Flop House, The Daily Show, and producer for the remake of Mystery Science Theater 3000.)

Budget/Gross – N/A / Domestic: $49,662,533 (Worldwide: $58,388,068)

(Interesting that there is no budget, so I can only really comment with regards to what I would consider to be a successful comedy and expectations given the first film. Considering that the first film got close to what I would call a comedy hit ($100 million) this was probably a disappointment. Perhaps it is why, I think, Ice Cube has not starred in a PG film since.)

#21 for the Comedy – Fish-Out-of-Water Father genre

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(Ah sliding right in there as the genre is dying. Classic. This came in right around Hall of Fame nominee Old Dogs. As I said in the Are We There Yet? preview the genre could potentially be dead? There hasn’t been a new contribution since 2013. Bumbling father is a classic though, I feel like it’ll come back.)

#59 for the Comedy – Sequel (Live Action) genre

comedysequel_59

(Ride Along 2, Paul Blart 2, Big Momma 2, Be Cool and last week’s Miss Congeniality 2 are all live action comedy sequels we’ve seen in the last year or so! Coming in a shade above Miss Congeniality 2 is not a good look, and it came just as the genre was taking a little financial nap. Once they see a bit of money they bleed any and all potential franchises dry, that includes terrible family comedies with Ice Cube.)

#21 for the Comedy Remake genre

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(Ooooooo right at the end of producers yelling to their assistants: “Hey, Carl, what sweet IP we got?” and getting the response “Uh, Mr. Blandings Builds His Dream House from 1948” … “Make that a sequel to something”. This comes in right above Yours, Mine and Ours (2005) and the genre has taken quite a hit recently with very few productions and a lackluster return from Ghostbusters.)

#20 for the Family – Remake genre

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(……. these last two graphics are basically the same. So yeah, Family/Comedy Remakes aren’t doing so hot. Actually, most comedy remakes are probably family oriented if the source material was from before the 80’s now that I think of it. This came in just below the classic Angels in the Outfield. Recently Jungle Book was a smash hit … wait a minute, these graphs don’t include the live action remakes of the Disney movies like Cinderella. That doesn’t really make sense but whatever.)

Rotten Tomatoes – 8% (7/93): Are We Done Yet? plays it way too safe with generic slapstick and uninspired domestic foibles.

(Less than 10% on rotten tomatoes is very rare, and more so when you consider that the film garnered almost 100 reviews. I think I can turn my brain off and enjoy generic slapstick. The domestic foibles on the other hand …)

Poster – Are Sklogs Done Yet? (D+)

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(This is the same poster as for the last one so why not copy that: There is a whole class of posters that a similar to this that I just hate, hate, hate. Too much empty space and not enough stylization of the characters on the poster. The font is still okay and, bonus, making Are Sklogs Done Yet? would be a bit harder because so much stuff is all over the title. I docked a grade because they plagiarized themselves.)

Tagline(s) – New house. New family. What could possibly go wrong? (F)

(Fuck this. This is the same as the last tagline too!! The last tagline was: 24 hours. 350 miles. His girlfriend’s kids. What could possibly go wrong? Everything. We get it. Everything can and will go wrong.)

Keyword(s) – renovation; Top Ten by BMeTric: 80.8 Home Alone 3 (1997); 74.1 Prom Night (I) (2008); 64.7 Are We Done Yet? (2007); 56.5 Poltergeist III (1988); 46.1 Meet the Browns (2008); 40.2 Xanadu (1980); 33.3 From Prada to Nada (2011); 26.4 Psychosis (I) (2010); 25.9 Baby Mama (2008); 24.1 Dark Shadows (2012);

(I think this is the first time I’ve found a keyword where we haven’t seen any of the movies. Xanadu will happen soon enough I think. Besides that though I don’t really see any of the others on the BMT horizon.)

Notes – A quote from Nick, “I don’t know karate, but I know ka-razay!” when he’s confronting Chuck, are actually lyrics from James Brown’s 1974 single “The Payback” from the album of the same name.

Shipped to theaters under the name “Needs Work” (I honestly hate these “fun” facts. It just never seems all that important what a movie shipped as, nor are they ever clever or funny)

When Nick tells Chuck, who is played by John C. McGinley, that he feels good sitting on a private toilet, Chuck says, “Feeling good is good enough.” That line is said by Willem Dafoe in the 1986 Oscar winner Platoon, which stars McGinley. (Fun fact I guess)

Ice Cube was approached to do another sequel, but declined, saying that he wanted to go in a different direction. He then proposed that the movie idea be turned into a TV show, which it did: Are We There Yet? (2010). (Smart. Ice Cube seems like a smart dude. My guess is he realized he didn’t want to be shoehorned into family comedies like Eddie Murphy, Adam Sandler, and Martin Lawrence seemed to be. Also my guess as to why the writers got dropped from Just Go With It when they realized they couldn’t get Cube)