‘Ello everyone. That’s right, only Patrick here. Jamie was, of course, driven insane by White Chicks. A tragic tale indeed. It is either that or he’s on holiday in Mexico. I can’t remember. It is of no consequence because we have matters of the utmost importance to attend to. In particular, a Hall of Fame induction ceremony. If you don’t know what I’m talking about then that probably means you haven’t seen White Chicks. Stop what you are doing this instant and watch it! For it is incredible (and on Netflix). A true masterpiece on every level. Since I’m pulling double duty let’s get into it!
- The Good – Um, can I say everything? They let loose in this movie. Everybody is on board. Crazy Mexican impression which made me shout “Oh shit!”? Check. A love story built on a foundation of deceit and lies that results in an inevitable happy ending? Check. A panoply of friends/enemies of the white chicks each one with an individual scene where they can just go bananas on screen? Check. Terry Crews fart battle? Check. Terry Crews “hilarious” roofie/rape storyline?! Check. Terry Crews accidentally having sex with a man gag?!! CHECK.
- The Bad – Uh … I’m saying everything again. This movie makes no sense. It is genuinely racist. Every storyline is somehow both expected and off-the-wall, a Schrodinger-like situation in which I think the plot didn’t exist until I observed it at which time it collapsed into a movie that was designed for the pleasure of the observer. Without quantum effects this movie is completely inexplicable. It is the two slit experiment for BMT Theory. You see what it has done to me? I’m making no sense!
- The BMT – Did you not hear this is a BMT Hall of Fame inductee? This should honestly have a 70+ BMeTric. It appears than in the past few years people have been somehow giving this 6+ ratings on IMDb, otherwise it would be there. For shame world.
- They Look Like Monsters – I’m adding a new special category to my recap. I wrote this exact phrase more than a dozen times in my 5+ pages of notes about this movie. They looked like monsters. Every so often I’d start to wane a bit then all of a sudden Monster Face! And I was back on board. They looked insane. I can only think they knew exactly what they were doing. This ain’t no Big Momma or Norbit, this wasn’t going for wins for makeup. At least I hoped not. Because they looked like monsters. I hope you like monster movies …. because they looked like monsters.
- This movie could have been a horror film with minimal slick editing.
- Multiple fart battles.
- A harpy wife character which will make you go “racist and misogynistic?! They’ve done it again!”
- A++++ would watch again. They look like monsters!
Phew, I’ve been thinking about this movie for days. It made me wonder about the Hall of Fame for BMT. Looking back through the lists I would tentatively put 29 previous films into the Hall of Fame (That sounds too high, I feel like a HoF is more like 1-5% of players). But until Jamie gets back tentative it will remain. Rest assured though, White Chicks is on the list. And I am now 1000% more excited for Littleman. And waaaaaay on board with White Chicks 2. I have a feeling it will have to go in the Big Momma’s House 2 direction in which they, inexplicably, use the same characters in a subsequent FBI investigation (i.e. No longer will we have to suspend our disbelief that people could ever mistake the monsters they transform into for real life women, hooray!). On. Board.
Game time. My quick game is a drinking game. This is three fold and rather cavalier when it comes to drinking games. Trust me, it would work:
- If you think “They look like monsters” – drink
- If you think “wow, that seems racist” – drink
- If you think “well, no way they could get away with that joke nowadays” – drink
If you are honest with yourself you will be slammed by the end of playing this game. Be honest with yourself.
And as for Jamie’s game, I heard through the grapevine that this movie was in fact based on a book. The book is called The Debutantes. Written as a pre-world war I satire of upper crust British society the book is about two handmaiden of wealthy ladies on their way to a debutante ball who, through a series of hilarious events, end up taking the places of their mistresses. Deftly navigating the political firestorm that is high society Britain, the two servants teach the nobles a thing or two about manners (and attract the eyes of the most desirable lords to boot). Critics decried it as “Low-class Evelyn Waugh” and “Distinctly non-posh”, the book quietly entered the public domain and then was adapted by the Waynes brothers (huge fans). Or so my grapevine source led me to believe.