Tag: bmt 2022

Original Sin Recap

Jamie

There was a brief moment in time where we made a very big deal about the fact that no BMT film was set in the state of Delaware. Already a dubious state, this made it all the more dubious. Could a state be real if they don’t even care to set a terrible wide release horror or action film there? We said no. Eventually we collapsed under the weight of our own joke and lowered ourselves to watching Survival of the Dead, the sixth entry in the Night of the Living Dead series, in order to tally Delaware. It was released to 20 theaters and it’s one of our greatest shames. What does this have to do with Original Sin? Well, Jolie’s character came to Cuba from Delaware (allegedly). It’s probably why Banderas was like “Hoochie mama, how did such a hot dame come from Delaware?!” So we contemplated watching it as the Delaware film. Good thing we didn’t. Not a glimpse of that “state” to be seen.

Let’s recap this GD thang. Banderas is a workaholic coffee plantation owner. He decides to get a mail order bride so that he can get married without it getting in the way of his work. That’s why he got the Delaware Special. Just a Plain Jane gal from Dover that won’t distract him. Unfortunately out walks Angelina Jolie and… let’s just say he’s a little distracted. They are super into each other for realz and we get some steamy scenes that required me to clean my glasses (for science). Soon Jolie’s sister is writing her and a detective shows up asking to see Jolie. By the time the sister shows up to inform Banderas that Jolie is an imposter who killed his real bride, she’s already long gone with his fortune. Fortunately an extremely creepy and grimy detective is hanging around willing to help him out. How nice and not suspicious! When they track Jolie down, Banderas is basically like “sooooo, we can still bone, right?” and she’s like “yeah, NBD.” So now he goes on the run with Jolie like an absolute crazy person. They live a nice life on the lam only to have it upended when the detective comes a-knocking and Banderas “kills” him. Unfortunately for Banderas this all turns out to be an elaborate ruse. The detective and Jolie are actually working together (what a twist!) and this is just the next step in the plan. Convince Banderas that he’s a murderer, get him into financial straits, get him to sell off his company to give more money to Jolie, and then kill him. But Banderas finds out and, willing to die for his mad love (starring Drew Barrymore), knowingly accepts a poisoned drink from Jolie. But she has a change of heart and they together dispatch the fake detective and live out their crazy life like the couple of crazy kids they are. THE END.

I’m not sure I totally minded this film. Banderas is an absolute imbecile with a screw loose, but in kind of a funny way. Like you can’t believe all the terrible decisions he’s making at every step of the film. I think I actually liked Jolie and I really liked Thomas Jane who seems to be having a ball. The real issue is that it is pretty boring at times, lacking a bit of coherent forward motion, and some of the situations get unnecessarily and unpleasantly grim. That makes it a little hard to recommend cause it lacks a little of the “fun” needed to call it “steamy fun.” As for Swept Away, woof. Maybe that’s why I didn’t mind Original Sin. I had to endure Swept Away. You don’t get to say this often, but Swept Away might actually be the worst movie of all time. There is basically nothing redeeming about it. It is unwatchable. I shudder even remembering the experience of watching it. I can’t believe how much Patrick and I discussed it considering it wasn’t even the main film of the week, but we couldn’t stop marveling at how horrible it was.

Hot Take Clam Bake! Jolie and Jane are bad at their jobs and the plan only works because Banderas is the dumbest human being alive. Almost from the jump everything about Jolie is suspect. Banderas’ response? “Look at those knockers! Better sign all my personal and business accounts over to her.” Then even when she steals everything from him and runs away, what happens when he finds her? “Look at those knockers! Better run off and ruin my life for her.” Literally at any point Banderas could have been like “You know what, fool me once.” But he gets fooled like a thousand times. And then even after he wins, he ends up setting up a poker ruse with Jolie that is bar none the worst attempt at cheating in history. He’ll be dead in a month cause he’s a real dumbo who’s hitched his wagon to a bad con artist. Hot Take Temperature: Sweet BBQ. Patrick?

Patrick

Original Sin? More like Not So Original Sin, amirite? Well, I was promised bodice-ripping excitement by Roger Ebert. But I can’t recall there necessarily being a bodice ripped in this film. I’m mostly positive there was nary a bodice in sight! Anyways, let’s get into it!

  • These past few weeks I feel like a few things have happened. I’ve discovered that foreign films tend to be a bit more sexy and plodding than American films (at least the non-comedies). And that translating these films directly into American films often leave the actors they get to play the parts a bit lost at sea (especially the comedies). Original Sin I guess it helped by being a book. But ultimately I fear it was hurt by being based on, maybe, not a very good book.
  • I wouldn’t know I didn’t read the book. Nor did I watch the Truffant film it is based on, although it is on the list of films I’ll want to check out in the future.
  • But ultimately the film’s plot line seemed depressing, decidedly unsexy in most regards (unless you live in Cuba in the 1890s maybe?), and didn’t really lead anywhere.
  • I don’t think I liked this film. But I also couldn’t really put my finger on why. Maybe because Banderas seems like an idiot who is duped by an obvious conwoman and her partner in crime at every turn. Maybe because I don’t like watching someone’s life fall apart for two hours. Or maybe I was ready for dangerous sexiness and then was treated to not very much bodice ripping and undangerous sex scenes. I don’t know. But I feel like I would not recommend this film to anyone.
  • The worst part of the film: the extremely obvious poker cheating. Come on guys. Put some effort into it! You can’t just have Angelina Jolie cross her throat to be like “that guy has a bad hand” and ogle the cards over everyone’s shoulder. It is ludicrous. My hot take? Banderas deserved it. Not because cheating is bad. But because bad cheating is especially bad.
  • A good Setting as a Character (Where?) for Cuba in the end. And I’ll just throw out a Rare Temporal Setting (When?) for late 19th century, I think people get so caught up in doing 20th century stuff they forget the Gilded Age. And a Worst Twist (How?) for the inevitable reveal that Jolie did it again and seduced the priest into taking her place in prison. I think this is a Bad film, and I wouldn’t recommend it to anyone.
  • As the friend cycle we decided to go with maybe the most notable European remake which is also considered one of the worst movies ever made. Swept Away, ever heard of it? This Madonna vehicle is, how do you say? An abomination. Boom, DOG POO IN MY FACE babyyyyyyyyy. This is actually the worst film ever made. It is shocking to say, but it is actually the worst film ever made. I don’t know how they decided on: horrible person Madonna treats poor fisherman like shit, fisherman in exchange explicitly makes her his slave on deserted island thus revealing that he too is a piece of shit, they fall in love and decide to be pieces of shit together, but instead Madonna goes back to her oppressing life with her insufferable husband leaving fisherman to be a sad piece of shit alone. Oh and there is like some underlying capitalistic stuff going on. For real, how is this written and directed by Guy Ritchie? It is actually a little deranged. Rest assured, if you want to feel horrible about people and movie making, Swept Away is the movie for you. It’ll make you say: “Movies were a mistake.” It is genuinely that bad. A+ Friend in a way, because I no longer have to think about what might be the worst movie ever made. I now know.

Check out the sequel Original Sin 2: Purgatory. Cheerios,

The Sklogs

Original Sin Quiz

Alright, so basically I got a mail order bride who was supposed to be pretty plain, but then Angelina Jolie showed up. Needless to say I passed out, and now I can’t remember a thing. Do you remember what happened in Original Sin?

Pop Quiz Hot Shot!

1) Banderas is a rich farmer in Cuba at the turn of the century who wants a mail order bride because he just like … wants a wife, right? Anyways, what does his plantation produce?

2) Wowza, this mail order bride is actually a mail order hottie! Huh, better hand over access to all of my business accounts. But then who comes a calling which really cranks up his suspicions that something is amiss?

3) After Jolie runs away with all his money, where, ultimately, does Banderas find her and what is she doing?

4) After scraping together some money by cheating at cards things finally come to a head when Banderas correctly surmises that Jolie is going to kill him. By what method is he intended to die?

5) In the end, how does Jolie escape from prison and where does she go?

Bonus Question: During the mid-credits scene Banderas and Jolie are living it up in Morocco. But uh oh! Who walks into their swanky tent and why?

Answers

Original Sin Preview

Jamie and Patrick get off the Paris Metro. They look at the thirty story apartment building where they were told the Dongle is housed. It’s tough, but nothing a little dew can’t solve. They cheers with their limited edition Fuchsia Fusion Mountain Dew Deluxe brought to you by Mountain Dew. With the smallest sip they feel the power (and it feels good). Five minutes later they parkour flip their way onto the roof and get into a Twin Chop stance. But there isn’t anyone there to chop. Suspicious. As they walk their way down to the low level terrorist’s apartment they do the calculus on what might be going on. “What if they knew we were from the future so they sent us here to get us out of the way while our past selves went to Budapest?” Jamie says. It’s a reasonable guess, but they had Kyle take the past Jamie and Patrick on a hiking trip to Greece and they seem to be having a grand old time according to their Insta posts. When they amble into the apartment they gasp. There’s the Dongle, sitting on the kitchen table, not a soul in sight. Is it a trap? Or is this their moment to seize the Dongle and finally remove it from the equation? Just as Jamie reaches for it, Patrick stays his hand. “Look around,” Patrick whispers and only in that moment does Jamie realize that the apartment is an exact replica of the apartment from the hit television show Mad About You. My God! It’s a trap! They must have made the apartment specifically that way as an elaborate ruse. They turn to run, but are stopped at gunpoint by Future Mikey. “Pick it up,” he demands, “this is the moment. This is your…” That’s right! We’re watching the Banderas/Jolie smash hit Original Sin which is about… something… I’m not sure, but you better believe it’s steamy. As for Bring a Friend, we are pairing this with another erotic (?) thriller (?) Swept Away starring Madonna which just didn’t qualify for BMT cause it was so bad they couldn’t release it wide to theaters. Let’s go!

Original Sin (2001) – BMeTric: 32.3; Notability: 30

StreetCreditReport.com – BMeTric: top 22.0%; Notability: top 28.4%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 8.4%; Higher BMeT: Glitter, Jason X, Freddy Got Fingered, Driven, The Animal, Ghosts of Mars, Black Knight, Valentine, Crocodile Dundee in Los Angeles, Soul Survivors, Monkeybone, The Musketeer, Corky Romano, Scary Movie 2, The Wedding Planner, Bones, Summer Catch, The Order, Say It Isn’t So, The Wash, and 35 more; Higher Notability: Pearl Harbor, Monkeybone, Lara Croft: Tomb Raider, Hannibal, Impostor, Ghosts of Mars, Not Another Teen Movie, Bubble Boy, 15 Minutes, Swordfish, The One, Town & Country, The Affair of the Necklace, Scary Movie 2, I Am Sam, America’s Sweethearts, Along Came a Spider, 3000 Miles to Graceland, Texas Rangers, Joe Dirt, and 51 more; Lower RT: Texas Rangers, Soul Survivors, Glitter, All the Queen’s Men, Corky Romano, The Forsaken, Summer Catch, The Wash, Out Cold, Say It Isn’t So, Joe Dirt, Head Over Heels, Megiddo: The Omega Code 2, What’s the Worst That Could Happen?, Freddy Got Fingered, Crocodile Dundee in Los Angeles, Perfume, The Musketeer, Valentine, Double Take; Notes: Pretty minor. And when you are going against heavy hitters like Glitter it is no wonder a film like Original Sin would cruise under our radar for so long.

RogerEbert.com – 3.0 stars – The movie is not intended to be subtle. It is sweaty, candle-lit melodrama, joyously trashy, and its photography wallows in sumptuous decadence. The ending is hilariously contrived and sensationally unlikely, as the movie audaciously shows an irrevocable action and then revokes it. I don’t know whether to recommend “Original Sin” or not. It’s an exuberant example of what it is–a bodice-ripping murder “meller”–and at that it gets a passing grade. Maybe if it had tried to be more it would have simply been watering the soup.

(Wow. This is the second in a few weeks where Ebert is like “what are you guys going on about? This is a good movie” about a BMT film. I can see it for both Wicker Park and this. They both are a specific genre or indie film that could be liked for the performances and not be bothered by the execution in the end.)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L5xoAd6ejWk/

(I sure hope I can call it “extremely steamy”! And cha Ebert gave it a thumbs up, he was like “good for what it is.” It actually it a great example of that. The trailer? It did seem bodice-ripping, so I give it a thumbs up.)

Directors – Michael Cristofer – ( Known For: The Night Clerk; Body Shots; BMT: Original Sin; Razzie Notes: Nominee for Worst Screenplay for The Bonfire of the Vanities in 1991; Notes: Won the Pulitzer for his production of the play The Shadow Box which he eventually wrote a tv adaptation for. Seems like he was a pretty major actor, was in 32 episodes of Mr. Robot.)

Writers – Cornell Woolrich – ( Known For: Rear Window; The Window; Cloak & Dagger; Black Angel; The Bride Wore Black; Mississippi Mermaid; The Leopard Man; No Man of Her Own; Seven Blood-Stained Orchids; The Chase; Phantom Lady; The Guilty; Street of Chance; Night Has a Thousand Eyes; Union City; Fear in the Night; Deadline at Dawn; Nightmare; Seven Footprints to Satan; She’s No Angel; BMT: Original Sin; Mrs. Winterbourne; Notes: He wrote the original novel and died in the 60s. All of these films, amazingly, are presumably made from various novels and short stories.)

Michael Cristofer – ( Known For: The Night Clerk; The Witches of Eastwick; Casanova; Falling in Love; Chuck; Mr. Jones; Breaking Up; BMT: Original Sin; The Bonfire of the Vanities; Razzie Notes: Nominee for Worst Screenplay for The Bonfire of the Vanities in 1991; Notes: Nominated for two Emmys for writing, for Gia and The Shadow Box.)

Actors – Antonio Banderas – ( Known For: Uncharted; Interview with the Vampire: The Vampire Chronicles; Official Competition; Spy Kids; Shrek 2; The Mask of Zorro; Philadelphia; The Skin I Live In; Desperado; Frida; Shrek the Third; Spy Kids 3: Game Over; Once Upon a Time in Mexico; Security; Four Rooms; Knight of Cups; Tie Me Up! Tie Me Down!; Evita; Shrek Forever After; The Laundromat; Future BMT: Life Itself; Machete Kills; Spy Kids 4: All the Time in the World; The Legend of Zorro; Assassins; Play It to the Bone; BMT: Hitman’s Wife’s Bodyguard; The Expendables 3; Dolittle; Original Sin; The 13th Warrior; Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever; Never Talk to Strangers; Notes: Broke into Hollywood with The Mambo Kings, but originally was a major actor in Spain. Was nominated for an Oscar for Dolor y gloria.)

Angelina Jolie – ( Known For: Eternals; The Good Shepherd; Girl, Interrupted; Kung Fu Panda; Wanted; Mr. & Mrs. Smith; Maleficent; Those Who Wish Me Dead; Kung Fu Panda 3; Kung Fu Panda 2; Changeling; Beowulf; Salt; By the Sea; Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow; The One and Only Ivan; Come Away; Playing by Heart; Pushing Tin; Foxfire; Future BMT: Alexander; The Tourist; Maleficent: Mistress of Evil; Shark Tale; The Bone Collector; Taking Lives; Life or Something Like It; Beyond Borders; Playing God; BMT: Lara Croft: Tomb Raider; Gone in 60 Seconds; Original Sin; Lara Croft Tomb Raider: The Cradle of Life; Hackers; Razzie Notes: Nominee for Worst Actress in 2002 for Lara Croft: Tomb Raider, and Original Sin; in 2003 for Life or Something Like It; in 2004 for Beyond Borders, and Lara Croft Tomb Raider: The Cradle of Life; and in 2005 for Alexander, and Taking Lives; Notes: Daughter of Jon Voight. Won an Oscar for Girl, Interrupted, and was nominated for The Changeling. Recently I read she spite-sold half of a winery she owned with Brad Pitt. Baller.)

Thomas Jane – ( Known For: Boogie Nights; The Mist; Face/Off; Scott Pilgrim vs. the World; Deep Blue Sea; Magnolia; Vendetta; Hot Summer Nights; The Thin Red Line; Run Hide Fight; LOL; 1922; Nemesis; Murder at Yellowstone City; Before I Wake; Breach; The Vanished; White Bird in a Blizzard; The Last Son; Money Plane; Future BMT: Buffy the Vampire Slayer; The Punisher; A-X-L; The Crow: City of Angels; BMT: The Predator; Original Sin; The Sweetest Thing; Dreamcatcher; Notes: Used to be married to Rutger Hauer’s daughter. I’ll always remember him as a weird choice for The Punisher.)

Budget/Gross – $42,000,000 / Domestic: $16,534,221 (Worldwide: $35,402,320)

(Yeah that’s a bomb, but I’m also very skeptical of that $42 million budget. I know it is a period piece, and I know Jolie was famous, but still. You think this is pulling in $100 million?)

Rotten Tomatoes – 12% (11/90): Laughably melodramatic, Original Sin features bad acting, bad dialogue, and bad plotting.

(Melodramatic could be good, but this also just kind of screams “boring.” But maybe I’m just biased against bad dramas in general. The Owen Gleiberman quote below is amazing and probably 100% true.)

Reviewer Highlight: A textbook case of a movie that would have been better had it been worse. –  Owen Gleiberman, Entertainment Weekly

Poster – Original Sklog

(I mean, yes, I will watch that, thank you. If you want to get butts in seats that is certainly a way to do it. Lot’s a flesh on this poster so you know what you’re in for. Everything else is merely OK. B)

Tagline(s) – Lead Us Into Temptation (A+)

(I like that a lot. I’m gonna go ahead and rock an A+ on that guy. Four words. Connected to the title/plot. Clever twist on a common saying. It’s a master class.)

Keyword(s) – European Remake

Top 10: 12 Monkeys (1995), The Italian Job (2003), Insomnia (2002), Scent of a Woman (1992), Clash of the Titans (2010), Some Like It Hot (1959), Vanilla Sky (2001), True Lies (1994), Dawn of the Dead (2004), The Tourist (2010)

Future BMT: 54.5 Eye of the Beholder (1999), 54.0 Downhill (2020), 49.2 The Omen (2006), 44.8 Catch That Kid (2004), 43.1 Diabolique (1996), 43.0 Village of the Damned (1995), 41.8 I Think I Love My Wife (2007), 41.2 Clash of the Titans (2010), 41.2 Mixed Nuts (1994), 39.8 Intersection (1994)

BMT: The Wicker Man (2006), Taxi (2004), The Haunting (1999), Get Carter (2000), Jungle 2 Jungle (1997), Pathfinder (2007), Fathers’ Day (1997), Nine Months (1995), The Big Wedding (2013), Brick Mansions (2014), Sleepless (2017), The Blue Lagoon (1980), School for Scoundrels (2006), Original Sin (2001), Blame It on Rio (1984), The Loft (2014), Vanilla Sky (2001), Wicker Park (2004)

Best Options (Razzies (Picture, Actor, Actress)): 39.8 Intersection (1994), 32.3 Original Sin (2001), 17.2 Oscar (1991), 15.6 Jakob the Liar (1999)

(We are going to watch Oscar next week as a transition. I wanted a Worst Actress nod in particular anyways to go with Swept Away. That BMT list is getting gaudy!)

Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 12) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Angelina Jolie is No. 1 billed in Original Sin and No. 3 billed in Gone in Sixty Seconds, which also stars Nicolas Cage (No. 1 billed) who is in The Wicker Man (No. 1 billed) which also stars Leelee Sobieski (No. 5 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 1 billed) => (1 + 3) + (1 + 1) + (5 + 1) = 12. If we were to watch The Bone Collector we can get the HoE Number down to 11.

Notes – The plantation house was a real sugar cane plantation manor, albeit abandoned.

Michelle Pfeiffer’s production company had originally purchased the rights to the novel, with the intention that Pfeiffer herself would star. However, the actress opted to simply serve as producer on the film.

Director Michael Cristofer said in interviews, and in his commentary for the movie, that before the sex scene between Luis and Julia was filmed, Angelina Jolie told him that she would only film the scene if she was fully naked and without tapes or anything else to cover her up. Antonio Banderas also decided to do the scene fully naked after talking with them, and only Cristofer and a couple of more crew members were involved in filming it. This meant that lot of footage filmed for the scene, however, could not be used in the film because it was just too graphic and explicit to show onscreen. Cristofer said he was unable to even include it in the NC-17 unrated version, which is why in all versions of the film, the sex scene has very obvious cuts which are covered with editing and fade outs in between the shots. This was also where the rumor started about how Jolie and Banderas had unsimulated sex, which was said to have been another reason for why the scene was cut down. Cristofer said he still had copy of original cut of the film which, amongst other deleted scenes, also included the original uncut sex scene.

In December 2000, Ted Casablanca from E! Online reported how the infamous uncut version of sex scene between Jolie and Banderas was, on its own, 20 minutes long.

This film was a remake of François Truffaut’s Mississippi Mermaid (1969), starring Jean-Paul Belmondo and Catherine Deneuve.

This was the last film produced under Michelle Pfeiffer’s production company, Via Rosa Productions.

Awards – Nominee for the Razzie Award for Worst Actress (Angelina Jolie, 2002)

Brick Mansions Recap

Jamie

Back in our salad days, Patrick and I fancied ourselves quite the film connoisseurs. We only watched the best (the best!). So of course we gathered up our friends to catch District B13 in theaters and people were pretty impressed. And rightfully so, we were rad… almost as rad as all the parkour we witnessed that day. By the time Brick Mansions came out we were even radder (can you believe it) and in the midst of building our vast BMT empire, but parkour wasn’t nearly as rad, so we let it pass on by, just biding our time until the moment was juuuuust right. That moment is now. Welcome to BMT Presents: The Brick Mansions Post: The Movie.

To recap, Brick Mansions is the story of Paul Walker, an undercover cop trying to live up to the memory of his father, a cop killed in the line of duty. He’s just trying to keep a dystopian Detroit from going down the toilet, but things are made hard by all the drugs and crime in the brick mansions. Oooo, all those drugs and crime. It just makes me so mad. It also makes Lino mad, a parkour madman who gets himself in trouble by trashing a bunch of heroin peddled by Tremaine. Turns out Tremaine owns (almost all) the cops, so even when Lino gets the upper hand it only lands him in jail and his girlfriend held captive by Tremaine. Just at that moment, Tremaine comes into possession of a nuclear weapon (word) and Walker’s gotta get that bad boy back, baby. He teams up with Lino and infiltrates the brick mansions and hold onto your butts, cause they’re gonna parkour… your butts off… that’s why you gotta hold onto your butts. Once all the butts have been parkoured off, Lino and Walker get to the nuclear weapon, but realize that something seems fishy. The code they are given to diffuse the bomb turns out to be the zip code for the brick mansions. Aha! Don’t you see?! It’s so dumb that it’s gotta be a trap! They parkour their way over to the mayor’s office who is like “but…uh… but…uh… what thuuuuu.” And Walker records him and he sounds so dumb that everyone votes him out of office and votes Tremaine in (for realz). We end with Walker all happy and the former drug dealer planting a tree with a jaunty hat on. Not joking. THE END.

Hoooo man. This movie is dummmmmmbbbbb. Like real stupid for real. I could say it doesn’t make any sense, but it does make sense. It’s just very stupid. But that’s OK, cause the parkour was great, right? Eh, not really. The whole venture seems held back by the fact that Walker is just not on the same level as David Belle (obviously) and so everything seems to be done with tricky camera work. Ultimately, it just came off as a bit lame. If you are going to watch the film I wouldn’t even watch it for the parkour. I would watch it for the hilarious dub they put on Belle, which makes him seem American (… maybe?), and the last fifteen minutes, which holds its own in the vast depths of stupidity we’ve subjected ourselves to in BMT. I mean, a drug dealer kidnaps an innocent lady and holds a city hostage with a nuclear weapon and then gets elected mayor! His second in command immediately starts planting trees and wearing fashionable hats! It’s ludicrous.

Hot Take Clam Bake! The bomb goes off. I’m not even sure this is a hot take. Let’s look at the evidence: They think that the bomb is a trick because the deactivation code is the zip code of the brick mansions. That’s stupid. It was the real deactivation code and the bomb exploded. Everything after that is what happens in Paul Walker’s mind the moments before his body disintegrates. He imagines solving his father’s murder, getting the elitist mayor out of office, turning around the city that he loves, and introducing a hardened drug dealer to environmentalism and fancy hats. That is not real. That is an imagined ending by a man who totally screwed up and let a nuclear bomb go off in a major city. Hot Take Temperature: Jammin’ Jalapeno. Patrick? 

Patrick

‘Ello everyone! Brick Mansions? More like Shit Mansions amirite? I mean, objectively it seems like the area of Brick Mansions is shit though. No hospitals or schools or anything? Seems like a terrible place to live. Let’s go!

  • The code is just the zip code to Brick Mansions? “That seems suspicious Mr. Mayor, doesn’t it?” “Shut up Jonathan, it’s called ‘being poetic’, I want Paul Walker, this person I never met, to think for a split second that he just got got by super genius me after punching in this sweet code. I sure do hope the drug dealers don’t shoot him directly in the face immediately when he gets there, and also the ultra sweet parkour expert doesn’t help him. But again, I have to send the parkour guy back in instead of just killing him in prison because that is also poetic.” Because, for real, if fourteen different things don’t go right then the bomb just merely doesn’t explode in the middle of Brick Mansions. He’s relying on Paul Walker just being so sweet that he obviously finds and sets off the bomb.
  • I guess from the top I should say: just watch District B13 if you want to see this movie. They are exactly the same movie, except instead of Paul Walker explaining why he isn’t doing sweet parkour everywhere, you get another parkour guy doing parkour. So by my calculations that makes it 2x as rad as this film already.
  • Paul Walker is a terrible actor. Sorry.
  • Why did they dub the French guy with a bad American accent? They already try and claim he is Quebecois. So … why do they then go out of their way to give him a not-French accent? Just make him speak French or let him speak with an accent or dub him over with someone with a clear accent.
  • In the end are we supposed to be rooting for the murderous drug dealers who wanted to blow up a bomb in the middle of Detroit to become mayor? So we have back-to-back mayors of Detroit who wanted to set off a bomb in the middle of Detroit? What a wild timeline.
  • Parkour has never looked so bad. Sorry.
  • I’m going to throw out the assistant drug dealer as a potential Planchet (Who?) even though I don’t think he gets made fun of enough, I think he’s some other trope, like Incompetant Number Two or something. Some minor Product Placement (What?) for things like BMW. An excellent Setting as a Character (Where?) for Detroit Rock City. A very good MacGuffin (Why?) for the bomb that is in desperate need of disarming. And a Worst Twist (How?) candidate for the reveal that the bomb would only go off once the code was punched in (not the opposite). Definitely a BMT film.

There was already an original Brick Mansions, and a sequel to that … doesn’t mean I can’t make my own sequel Brick Mansions 2: Sins of the Father. Cheerios,

The Sklogs

Brick Mansions Quiz

Oh man, so I was doing some sweet parkour (regular Sunday, natch) when I did this sweet flip and landed directly on my head, whoops! Now I have a major concussion and can’t remember a thing. Do you remember what happened in Brick Mansions?

Pop Quiz Hot Shot!

1) Why is Brick Mansions so shit? It is, init?

2) Our boy Lino is running from some baaaaad m-fers in dystopian Detroit. Why?

3) Paul Walker then is sent into ultra-shit Brick Mansions. Why?

4) What happened to Paul Walker’s father? But then … like what really happened?

5) What is the keycode for the bomb and what was the big baddies plan all along?

Bonus Question: RZA’s the King of Detroit! Well the Mayor of Detroit. But now someone has come to his new swanky office for a little favor. Who and what favor?

Answers

Brick Mansions Preview

As Patrick and Jamie skulk behind the numerous wicker chairs populating Wicker Park, they try to come up with a plan. Could they stand in for Past Jamie and Patrick and trick the G-Men into giving them the task instead? No. As Jamie notes, rulez are coolz and when given a very important job they aren’t ones to drop the ball like a couple of unprofessional idiots. But that gets them thinking, what if they did follow through? At that they jump out of the bushes and right in the path of the G-Men. “Yo, G-Men, you looking for us?” The G-Men are a bit confused. These Bad Movie Twins look at least ten or eleven years older than the studs in the photos they have. But they shrug their shoulders and agree that since only the secret Time Cop Corporation has the technology of time travel there isn’t anything to worry about. Jamie and Patrick yawn as the G-Men go into intricate detail about the mission they already know everything about. “Yeah, yeah, yeah, high level terrorists in Budapest. Right? We got it,” Jamie says, trying to hurry them along. Now they look double confused and a bit suspicious. “No, not terrorists in Budapest. How did you…” they ask, eyeing Jamie sideways, but eventually shrug again and continue, ‘It’s actually pretty low level terrorists in Paris. Some much higher level terrorists broke down on their way to Budapest. They were carrying a powerful weapon that every baddie in the world would want. It was stolen from the truck and we need to get it back. You up for the job?” Jamie and Patrick gulp and nod their heads. “Oh and one more thing,” the G-Men say, “Hope you guys brought some Mountain Dew.” That’s right! We’re watching Brick Mansion starring Paul Walker. It’s a remake of District B13 that I remember seeing in theaters in college… we didn’t see this one in theaters for obvious reasons. Let’s go!

Brick Mansions (2014) – BMeTric: 44.4; Notability: 29

StreetCreditReport.com – BMeTric: top 10.4%; Notability: top 19.2%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 20.6%; Higher BMeT: Left Behind, The Legend of Hercules, Ouija, God’s Not Dead, Devil’s Due, The Pyramid, A Haunted House 2, Tammy, Sex Tape, I, Frankenstein, Paranormal Activity: The Marked Ones, Behaving Badly, Outcast, Annabelle, Everly, Annie, Vampire Academy, Pompeii, Addicted, Seventh Son, and 6 more; Higher Notability: Transformers: Age of Extinction, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Exodus: Gods and Kings, Transcendence, A Million Ways to Die in the West, Dracula Untold, Dumb and Dumber To, The Monuments Men, Annie, Seventh Son, Winter’s Tale, Think Like a Man Too, Horrible Bosses 2, Need for Speed, The Expendables 3, Men, Women & Children, Ride Along, The Nut Job, Vampire Academy, Pompeii, and 28 more; Lower RT: Behaving Badly, Left Behind, Cam2Cam, Outcast, I, Frankenstein, The Legend of Hercules, Ouija, Some Kind of Beautiful, Addicted, A Haunted House 2, The Angriest Man in Brooklyn, The Cobbler, Search Party, God’s Not Dead, The Best of Me, No Good Deed, Seventh Son, Winter’s Tale, Taken 3, The Nut Job, and 31 more; Notes: Middling across the board. Part of the problem, as I see it, was the competition in the mid-2010s was stiff. Left Behind? Legend of Hercules? Devil’s Due? It is kind of impossible this film could compete with those heavy hitters.

RogerEbert.com – 2.5 stars – The action may be serious, but “Brick Mansions” doesn’t take itself too seriously. It’s a ridiculous movie that has the decency to acknowledge that it’s ridiculous.

(So … good for what it is? Roger Ebert would be proud. Especially in the 2000s he was all about the self-aware bad film actually being good. I think the problem is that this was already made from a self-aware film that also happened to be pretty good.)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4CzcsN4k9FM/

(I mean, it looks kind of cool I suppose. The only issue is the French actor (who was in the original) doesn’t seem like he can keep up with the dialogue. But we’ll see.)

Directors – Camille Delamarre – ( Future BMT: The Transporter Refueled; BMT: Brick Mansions; Notes: Not much about him. Presumably French. Has directed a film called Assassins Club with Sam Neill.)

Writers – Luc Besson – ( Known For: Léon: The Professional; The Fifth Element; Taken; Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets; Lucy; The Transporter; Transporter 2; Revolver; The Big Blue; Arthur, malédiction; Transporter 3; Nikita; Taxi; District B13; Bandidas; Point of No Return; Unleashed; American Renegades; Kiss of the Dragon; Enter the Warriors Gate; Future BMT: Anna; 3 Days to Kill; The Family; The Transporter Refueled; Colombiana; Taken 3; Taken 2; Lockout; The Messenger: The Story of Joan of Arc; Arthur and the Invisibles; From Paris with Love; BMT: Taxi; Brick Mansions; Notes: French. Probably most well known for Fifth Element among many other films that have managed to cross international borders. Kind of amazing this is only our second of his films.)

Bibi Naceri – ( Known For: District B13; The Code; BMT: Brick Mansions; Notes: He wrote the original. Really has no other credits in the US. Everything else is pretty much French productions across the board.)

Ryan Amon – ( BMT: Brick Mansions; Notes: Credited as Ruff Argonauts apparently? Mainly a composer, but I would guess he does uncredited rewrites on the side or something, which is kind of wild.)

Actors – Paul Walker – ( Known For: Furious 7; She’s All That; Fast Five; Furious 6; Joy Ride; Pleasantville; Varsity Blues; Flags of Our Fathers; Running Scared; Eight Below; Tammy and the T-Rex; The Lazarus Project; Hours; Pawn Shop Chronicles; Vehicle 19; Bobby Z; Noel; Monster in the Closet; Stories USA; Future BMT: Into the Blue; Brokedown Palace; Takers; Meet the Deedles; BMT: The Fast and the Furious; Fast & Furious; 2 Fast 2 Furious; Timeline; The Skulls; Brick Mansions; Notes: Sadly died in 2013, prior to this film being released. The song, “See You Again” was made as a tribute for the Furious 7 soundtrack.)

David Belle – ( Known For: Femme Fatale; District B13; Rogue City; District 13: Ultimatum; Divine Intervention; Super Express; Future BMT: The Family; BMT: Babylon A.D.; Brick Mansions; Notes: His father, to some degree, is credited with inventing Parkour. Really, Belle probably actually did, as his father apparently mostly forgot everything and only really “invented” it in that he used his skills to not get beat up in a Vietnamese orphanage as a child.)

RZA – ( Known For: Minions: The Rise of Gru; Nobody; American Gangster; The Dead Don’t Die; Clean; Ghost Dog: The Way of the Samurai; The Next Three Days; Mr. Right; Popstar: Never Stop Never Stopping; Life in a Year; Funny People; The Man with the Iron Fists; A Very Harold & Kumar Christmas; Coffee and Cigarettes; Mutafukaz; The Protector 2; Hard Luck Love Song; Life Is Hot in Cracktown; Thriller; Gospel Hill; Future BMT: Scary Movie 3; Due Date; Derailed; BMT: G.I. Joe: Retaliation; Be Cool; Repo Men; Brick Mansions; Notes: Has been nominated for an Emmy for the soundtrack to Wu-Tang: An American Saga. He has also directed a few things, including the pretty well received The Man with the Iron Fists.)

Budget/Gross – $28,000,000 / Domestic: $20,396,829 (Worldwide: $71,416,730)

(Actually not too bad once you consider international money. The domestic haul is obviously much lower than they would have probably hoped though.)

Rotten Tomatoes – 26% (26/100): Choppily edited and largely bereft of plot, Brick Mansions wastes a likable cast on a pointless remake of the far more entertaining District B13.

(Yes, this is what I felt like at the time. I saw the original in 2006 (I think)? This coming out eight years later seemed odd since District B13 is good.)

Reviewer Highlight: Follows the bog-standard formula perfected by Besson: combining functional storylining with competent action highlights and an occasional air of whimsy. – Trevor Johnston, Time Out

Poster – BM2: Smooth Moves

(Wow… that is not good. Like supreme lameness. I would see that in a theater and be like “See you at BMT.” Color scheme is terrible and just too much going on. Interesting artistic choices but really that’s a mild positive in a sea of not good things. D.)

Tagline(s) – N/A

(There are some taglines on imdb but I don’t know where they come from. There isn’t one on the poster, so that’s an F. Give us something to work with.)

Keyword(s) – European Remake

Top 10: 12 Monkeys (1995), The Italian Job (2003), Insomnia (2002), Scent of a Woman (1992), Clash of the Titans (2010), Some Like It Hot (1959), Vanilla Sky (2001), True Lies (1994), Dawn of the Dead (2004), The Tourist (2010)

Future BMT: 54.5 Eye of the Beholder (1999), 54.0 Downhill (2020), 49.2 The Omen (2006), 44.8 Catch That Kid (2004), 43.1 Diabolique (1996), 43.0 Village of the Damned (1995), 41.8 I Think I Love My Wife (2007), 41.2 Clash of the Titans (2010), 41.2 Mixed Nuts (1994), 39.8 Intersection (1994)

BMT: The Wicker Man (2006), Taxi (2004), The Haunting (1999), Get Carter (2000), Jungle 2 Jungle (1997), Pathfinder (2007), Fathers’ Day (1997), Nine Months (1995), The Big Wedding (2013), Brick Mansions (2014), Sleepless (2017), The Blue Lagoon (1980), School for Scoundrels (2006), Blame It on Rio (1984), The Loft (2014), Vanilla Sky (2001), Wicker Park (2004)

Best Options (future): 44.4 Brick Mansions (2014), 8.9 The Thirteenth Floor (1999)

(Yup, this was basically the only option. If not for this I think we maybe could have managed the full French cycle (in that it needed to go elsewhere for that to work)? Although maybe not, it is possible we’d still be missing a Dimension transition at the top. Regardless, we’d effectively killed any possibility of another Merde de la Merde. There are plenty left, but in reality the genre specific options are clearly too thin.)

Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 15) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Paul Walker is No. 1 billed in Brick Mansions and No. 1 billed in 2 Fast 2 Furious, which also stars Eva Mendes (No. 3 billed) who is in Ghost Rider (No. 2 billed) which also stars Nicolas Cage (No. 1 billed) who is in The Wicker Man (No. 1 billed) which also stars Leelee Sobieski (No. 5 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 1 billed) => (1 + 1) + (3 + 2) + (1 + 1) + (5 + 1) = 15. If we were to watch Into the Blue we can get the HoE Number down to 12.

Notes – Paul Walker’s last fully completed performance (although his final film performance was in Fast & Furious 7 which he was filming at the time of his death).

This film is a remake of the French film “District B13” (Banlieu 13) which stars David Belle in the same role as in this movie. Additionally, plot & other action elements are used from Luc Besson’s treatment of B13: Ultimatum, the French follow up to the first film.

The Gate 38 location was also used in Death Race (2008) as a part of the race track.

Tremain AKA RZA tells Damian and Leno that “Cash rules everything around me.” Which is the title to a hit song by the Wu-Tang Clan which RZA was a member of.

The film takes place in 2018.

In the scene where they show the prison holding Lino, it is actually the Montreal Biosphere.

Wicker Park Recap

Jamie

There is a paradox in my life. On the one hand I am constantly watching films (both good and bad), while others in my household pretty much never watch a movie. For example, my doggy seems totally uninterested in the art of cinema (what a rube). So when I find a film that piques the interest of those nearest and dearest to my heart I jump at the opportunity. Wicker Park was one such film. The result is that I actually watched Wicker Park in the not too distant past. My conclusion then is pretty much my conclusion now (and I’ll save that for the end), but a sneak peak is what one of the members of my household thought: “great soundtrack.” It’s true, classic early 2000’s soundtrack that coincided with the greatest soundtrack run of our lifetimes: The OC. The other member had a different view: “I’m a dog, I don’t understand music, but Matthew Lillard was surprisingly charming.”  Astute point, Sprinkles.

Quick recap, Matt has returned to Chicago to work for his (soon to be) fiance’s family’s advertising firm. We learn that a couple years ago he left Chicago heartbroken after the loss of his one true love: Lisa. Matt is given a big break by being sent to China to close a big deal, but just before he is set to leave he thinks he catches a glimpse of Lisa. He decides to delay his trip in order to find his true love. Thus begins the most suspenseful aspect of the film: the will he, won’t he… travel to China to close the deal. Come on, man! You can find Lisa when you get back. It’s like… a big deal for your company! If you’re not going to go, just tell them so they can send someone else to close it… gah! Sorry… I was just really worried about the deal. He left a lot of people hanging (I presume). Don’t be a dick. Anyway, with the help of his friend Luke he is able to find the apartment where “Lisa” is staying but finds a different girl there instead. Unbeknownst to him, this “Lisa” is actually an actress named Alex who is dating Luke (by coincidence?). In flashbacks we see that she was a good friend of Lisa who was secretly obsessed with Matt. So when Matt asks Lisa to move to NYC with him and Lisa balks (for reasons unknown) and coincidentally also gets a crazy urgent request to move to Europe it results in Alex playing a dastardly game of telephone where she deceives both of them into believing the other wronged them. In the present day, Matt sleeps with Alex (who he thinks is Lisa (but not that Lisa)), but almost immediately starts to get suspicious. In the meantime the real Lisa realizes that Matt is looking for her and tries her best to get him to meet her in… you know where. Ultimately Matt revelased Alex’s deception, chases Lisa to the airport, and they smooch right after he brushes away his GF and is all like “uh, I didn’t even go to China cause I suck.” THE END.

Confused? It’s actually not all that confusing because it’s actually just very silly. A lot of silly coincidences occur that keep Lisa and Matt apart. Like, think about the chances that Alex ends up dating Luke just when Lisa has returned to NYC and Matt runs into his old friend and starts hanging out with him? Or that Lisa has to leave for Europe within the hour just when Matt has asked her to move in with him? This is Coincidences: The Movie. The stakes also seemed very low. Just a bunch of silly people duping each other in mostly harmless ways and then everything working out. Acting was good though and the soundtrack is great. I do wish they made more films like this, but I’d suggest adding some thrills.

Very quick Hot Take Clam Bake. Josh Hartnett is the villain of the film. You had one job, man. Your future brother-in-law gave you the big job of closing the China deal. You are a low confidence weenie, but he believes in you. He honestly sounds like a great future bro-in-law and you could have a beautiful professional and personal relationship with him. But no, you totally leave him hanging. At least have the common decency to let someone (anyone!) know. Does it say something about me that this was the most stressful and memorable aspect of the film for me? I couldn’t stop thinking about that meeting and this idiot’s complete lack of professionalism. Lisa probably drops him like a hot potato once she finds out about the China Fiasco. She would probably be horrified by his behavior. Hot Take Temperature: Smoky Adobo.

Patrick

‘Ello everyone! Wicker Park? More like Sick and Dark, amirite? Remember when you could make a film about sad people walking around Chicago for two hours and then just end a film in the cheesiest possible way? Those were the days. Let’s go!

  • Two movies in a row where if someone asked me “should I watch this movie” I would scream “hellllllllllllls naw.” These films are bad (per se), that would make me recommend them (natch). They are just in the middle and kind of nothing.
  • And this is the king of the nothing film. There once was a time long ago where independent cinema became infatuated with stories that roamed across a city filled with greys and browns. Tired of that corporate humdrum the protagonists searched for the dream girl who could unlock the arteeeeest within them and allow them to live that bohemian lifestyle they truly aspire for.
  • Or something like that. The films, in reality, tended to wax poet about nothing for 90 minutes, and this is no exception.
  • I will say that I found this film to be anxiety inducing. Harnett misses not one but possibly three flights to China? He’s missing meetings. People are calling him. People are surprised he is there (and not, you know … in China). I can’t even imagine what is happening at Faceless Corporate Media HQ. “We missed what meeting? But we sent Harnett. Get Harnett on the horn now! Oh no, something horrible must have happened to Harnett, call the hospitals.” Meanwhile, Harnett is just sleeping in random hotel rooms trying to avoid his fiance and narrowly missing his ex. The movie might as well be called Patrick’s Anxiety Nightmare. Harnett goes to a play and misses his third flight to China! Why are you going to a play?! Go to China you lunatic! People are relying on you! You made a whole sales pitch about … something I’m sure was important. All a waste. What a shame.
  • I suppose the only interesting thing about it is the twisty twistiness. They did feel the need to layer coincidence upon coincidence upon coincidence until the whole story fell apart around Rose Byrne and her unrequited love.
  • And then as mentioned you get the cheesy ending where (presumably) Hartnett and his lady love live a poor bohemian lifestyle in the Wicker Park area of Chicago.
  • I thought Hartnett, as usual, was solid. If you are into these kinds of movies (and/or live in the year 2000) I can see why it could be a three out of four star affair. Which is what Ebert gave it. There is a compelling argument there. But not really my cup of tea overall.
  • A natural A+ Setting (Where?) for Wicker Park in Chicago. And a decent case for Worst Twist (How?) for the reveal that Rose Byrne was behind all of the bad things in Harnett’s life. Closest to Bad just because it is boring, but I could entertain an argument for something else (although I’d never watch this film again, so it better be a good argument).

Hear all about the sequel to Wicker Park: Wicker Park 2: Huangpu Park. Cheerios,

The Sklogs

Wicker Park Quiz

Oh man. So get this, I was wandering around Wicker Park (natch) looking for my long lost lady love, when I just slipped on some ice (Chicago winter amirite?) and bopped myself on the head. Now I can’t remember a thing! Do you remember what happened in Wicker Park?

Pop Quiz Hot Shot!

1) In the beginning of the film our hero Josh Harnett is going to a biiiiiig meeting for his company. At the conclusion of that meeting he is to set off for what country to close The Big Deal?

2) But oh ho, he is waylaid by the faintest glimpse of his old lady love from ChiTown, Lisa. What item does she drop that convinces him that she is the same Lisa he knew from oh so long ago?

3) Flashback time! How did he and Lisa meet?

4) After missing ooooooooooooooooh twenty flights and probably ruining his career, Harnett meets “Lisa” at her apartment. Who is she really?

5) So give me the whole run down, what happened to Lisa back in the day and who are all these people?

Bonus Question: In the mid credits scene we see a happy Harnett working where?

Answers

Wicker Park Preview

Nine months. Nine loooong months helping past Patrick care for his giant family, while also being careful it’s never revealed. Jamie and Patrick have had to live in a crawl space in the house surviving on only Flaming Hot Cheetos and Michelob Ultra (to keep their slim figures). They swap out so past Patrick is able to focus on his work-life balance. When the day of the European backpacking trip approaches they are pretty proud of themselves. The mental torture they have undergone for nine looong months will finally pay off cause past Patrick will finally let them know that… “Yeah, I think we’re still going to go. It seems like fun and Jamie has been really looking forward to it. But thanks.” What thuuuuuu… The Bad Movie Twins are aghast. They attempt to grab past Patrick by the collar and shake some sense into him, but they forget that he has rock hard muscles and lighting reflexes just like them… cause he is them. Shit. “Well now what?” Jamie asks, as they watch past Jamie and Patrick prepare for the trip. But it seems obvious to Patrick, they’ll just have to bide their time. Following them on the backpacking trip they relive some of their fondest memories. Snowmen in Norway and dog poo in The Netherlands. The X-treme hike in the Alps and then an even more X-treme tour of Chernobyl. Jamie rubs his neck where the mutant bit him and they laugh at how he transformed into an evil mutant until Patrick reminded him of who he was. Finally in Monte Carlo they have arrived at the moment of truth and they see the G-Men who first got them on the trail of the Dongle walking through Wicker Park towards past Patrick and Jamie’s hotel. Time to act. That’s right! We’re watching Wicker Park starring BMT faves Josh Hartnett and Matthew Lillard. And no, there isn’t a Wicker Park in Monte Carlo. I’m just a very professional writer. Let’s go!

 Wicker Park (2004) – BMeTric: 10.3; Notability: 25

StreetCreditReport.com – BMeTric: top 36.0%; Notability: top 33.2%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 27.8%; Higher BMeT: Catwoman, Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2, The Adventures of Sharkboy and Lavagirl 3-D, You Got Served, Torque, Taxi, Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen, Soul Plane, Seed of Chucky, Anacondas: The Hunt for the Blood Orchid, Garfield, Thunderbirds, Envy, Godsend, Fat Albert, Agent Cody Banks 2: Destination London, Scooby-Doo 2: Monsters Unleashed, New York Minute, Exorcist: The Beginning, First Daughter, and 70 more; Higher Notability: Shark Tale, Catwoman, The Chronicles of Riddick, Van Helsing, King Arthur, Scooby-Doo 2: Monsters Unleashed, Alexander, After the Sunset, Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason, Blade: Trinity, The Stepford Wives, She Hate Me, Fat Albert, Alien vs. Predator, Man on Fire, Meet the Fockers, The Princess Diaries 2: Royal Engagement, Around the World in 80 Days, Raising Helen, The Phantom of the Opera, and 63 more; Lower RT: Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2, Twisted, The Whole Ten Yards, Godsend, Yu-Gi-Oh!: The Movie – Pyramid of Light, The Cookout, Christmas with the Kranks, Johnson Family Vacation, My Baby’s Daddy, Envy, Surviving Christmas, First Daughter, Catwoman, Taxi, House of D, Exorcist: The Beginning, New York Minute, Employee of the Month, A Cinderella Story, Against the Ropes, and 47 more; Notes: That IMDb score … is absurd. It is nearly at 7.0! I’m not joking when I say that might actually be the highest IMDb scores ever for BMT. I have to check this … A Walk to Remember (7.3), A Dog’s Purpose (7.2), Rambo (2008) (7.0), The Guardian (2006) (6.9), Crank (6.9), Vanilla Sky (6.9). Fun fact: Crank and Vanilla Sky don’t qualify, it predates us being quite as dogmatic about Rotten Tomatoes scores.

RogerEbert.com – 3.0 stars – Once we understand the principle (if not the details) of the plot, “Wicker Park” works because the actors invest their scenes with what is, under the circumstances, astonishing emotional realism. There’s a scene between Josh Hartnett and Rose Byrne during which so much is said, and left unsaid, that we feel real sympathy for both characters. There’s an emotional craziness to the way the Hartnett character misses his plane to China and starts skulking around Chicago/Montreal like a sleuth. There’s an open innocence to the way Matthew Lillard’s character fails to realize he is about to become an innocent bystander. And Diane Kruger, whose Lisa is subjected to logical whiplash by the plot, always seems to know when it is and how she should feel. Now that’s acting.

(Amazing. This is a real rarity. A film that was just dunked on by (most) critics, but somehow also seems to be at least liked by a reasonably sized audience. Really weird.)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vFo0u-nXbGk/

(Wait wait wait wait wait … that’s the official trailer? Like an actual trailer people involved with the film put out? This isn’t a parody of like, what if Wicker Park was a thriller? Because it isn’t. You would be forgiven for thinking it is after watching that trailer, but it isn’t. It is a drama about a sad person wandering around Chicago thinking about the girl who got away. There is nothing (and I mean nothing) thrilling about this film. Truly and profoundly bizarre.)

Directors – Paul McGuigan – ( Known For: Lucky Number Slevin; Film Stars Don’t Die in Liverpool; Gangster No. 1; The Reckoning; The Acid House; Future BMT: Push; Victor Frankenstein; BMT: Wicker Park; Notes: Scottish. Was nominated for an Emmy for directing A Scandal In Belgravia, an episode of Sherlock.)

Writers – Gilles Mimouni – ( Known For: The Apartment; BMT: Wicker Park; Notes: Wrote the original. Was scheduled to direct an English-language film called The Pretender in 2001, but it fell through due to compensation and budgetary disputes.)

Brandon Boyce – ( Known For: Bad Samaritan; Apt Pupil; Venom; BMT: Wicker Park; Notes: Wrote two episodes of the new miniseries Under the Banner of Heaven which is supposed to be good.)

Actors – Josh Hartnett – ( Known For: Wrath of Man; Operation Fortune: Ruse de guerre; Sin City; Black Hawk Down; The Virgin Suicides; The Faculty; Ida Red; 30 Days of Night; Lucky Number Slevin; Halloween H20: 20 Years Later; Most Wanted; The Ottoman Lieutenant; O; Blow Dry; 6 Below: Miracle on the Mountain; Wild Horses; Bunraku; She’s Missing; Valley of the Gods; Resurrecting the Champ; Future BMT: Pearl Harbor; The Black Dahlia; 40 Days and 40 Nights; BMT: Wicker Park; Hollywood Homicide; Here on Earth; Town & Country; Razzie Notes: Nominee for Worst Screen Couple for Pearl Harbor in 2002; Notes: Y’all remember Josh Hartnett right? He’s making a bit of a comeback, but for a bit he exited Hollywood to chill in his home state of Minnesota. He’s been doing a lot of television.)

Diane Kruger – ( Known For: Inglourious Basterds; Troy; National Treasure; Mr. Nobody; Unknown; Fathers & Daughters; The Infiltrator; In the Fade; The Operative; Joyeux Noel; Farewell, My Queen; Special Forces; Jeremiah Terminator LeRoy; Maryland; The Hunting Party; A Perfect Plan; Sky; Copying Beethoven; Anything for Her; Goodbye Bafana; Future BMT: The 355; National Treasure: Book of Secrets; Welcome to Marwen; BMT: Wicker Park; The Host; Notes: German. Was originally a ballerina (which explains I imagine why the character is a dancer in this, or why she was cast in this), but then an injury ended that career and started her into modeling which (as it does) led into acting.)

Matthew Lillard – ( Known For: Scream; Scream; Trouble with the Curve; She’s All That; Scream 2; He’s All That; The Descendants; SLC Punk!; Looney Tunes: Back in Action; Serial Mom; Mortal Kombat Legends: Battle of the Realms; Without Limits; The Groomsmen; Bloodsucking Bastards; Return to Nim’s Island; What Love Is; Love’s Labour’s Lost; Dead Man’s Curve; Bickford Shmeckler’s Cool Ideas; Endless Bummer; Future BMT: Scooby-Doo; Without a Paddle; Scooby-Doo 2: Monsters Unleashed; The Perfect Score; Mad Love; BMT: Thir13en Ghosts; Hackers; Wicker Park; Summer Catch; In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale; Senseless; Wing Commander; Notes: The most sidekickening character actor of all time. But more recently he’s had a few notable character actor roles. In particular in The Descendents and in the new Twin Peaks sequel series.)

Budget/Gross – $30 million / Domestic: $13,001,257 (Worldwide: $21,741,598)

(That is bad. But it is probably bad because the movie is a slow moving drama about sad people.)

Rotten Tomatoes – 27% (36/135): Implausible coincidences and an overly convoluted structure make the movie hard to follow or believe.

(Hard to follow? Hardly. Believe? Seems immaterial. Uninteresting would be more like it, and yet loved by some. Interesting. It feels very very indie cinema for sure.)

Reviewer Highlight: It’s a sad day indeed when a movie’s most memorable performance belongs to Scooby Doo’s Matthew Lillard. – Jeannette Catsoulis, Las Vegas Mercury

Poster – Snickers Park

(I know I shouldn’t like this, but it’s like poster candy for me. They are taking something bad and doing everything right. It’s shaded yellow so the color scheme isn’t ruined by the pictures of people. We get cool and unique font. The only crime is the framing, which is all over the place. Oh and the fact that it’s all meaningless. But I forgive this, because it’s hard to explain what the film is actually about even after you’ve seen it. B-)

Tagline(s) – Passion never dies. (D)

(Blessedly short, but what is this nonsense? This isn’t Ghost starring Demi Moore and Patrick Swayze. No one dies in this film. No one dies at all. I feel like the poster/tagline combination is setting up a murder mystery it can’t deliver on.)

Keyword(s) – European Remake

Top 10: 12 Monkeys (1995), The Italian Job (2003), Insomnia (2002), Scent of a Woman (1992), Clash of the Titans (2010), Some Like It Hot (1959), Vanilla Sky (2001), True Lies (1994), Dawn of the Dead (2004), The Tourist (2010)

Future BMT: 54.5 Eye of the Beholder (1999), 54.0 Downhill (2020), 49.2 The Omen (2006), 44.8 Catch That Kid (2004), 44.4 Brick Mansions (2014), 43.1 Diabolique (1996), 43.0 Village of the Damned (1995), 41.8 I Think I Love My Wife (2007), 41.2 Clash of the Titans (2010), 41.2 Mixed Nuts (1994)

BMT: The Wicker Man (2006), Taxi (2004), The Haunting (1999), Get Carter (2000), Jungle 2 Jungle (1997), Pathfinder (2007), Fathers’ Day (1997), Nine Months (1995), The Big Wedding (2013), Sleepless (2017), The Blue Lagoon (1980), School for Scoundrels (2006), Blame It on Rio (1984), The Loft (2014), Vanilla Sky (2001), Wicker Park (2004)

Best Options (senseless): 10.3 Wicker Park (2004), 8.9 The Thirteenth Floor (1999)

(We really only had one option here. The Thirteenth floor is an oddity because it is based on a German … television movie maybe? It was on the table. Luckily this is indeed very much based on a French film and stars Matthew Lillard of Senseless fame.)

Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 4) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Josh Hartnett is No. 1 billed in Wicker Park and No. 3 billed in Here on Earth, => (1 + 3) = 4. There is no shorter path at the moment.

Notes – The restaurant where Matthew overhears Lisa talking on the telephone is called “Bellucci”. Monica Bellucci was the female lead in the French original The Apartment (1996), of which this film is a remake.

Josh Hartnett signed on after Paul Walker was forced to drop out due to complications with the filming of 2 Fast 2 Furious (2003).

This is the second movie in 2004 to feature both Diane Kruger and Rose Byrne in central female roles. The other movie was Troy, released 4 months earlier.

When Lisa (Diane Kruger) is in the Lady Dragon shoe store, the black heels with the red soles she tries on are Christian Louboutins.

This is a remake of the French film The Apartment (1996). One of the reasons it was most likely changed to the title it holds now is that its distributor, MGM, already owns an American film of the same name- a Best Picture Oscar winner, at that- The Apartment (1960), which they inherited from their purchase of United Artists.

Nine Months Quiz

Oh wow, so get this. My girlfriend of five years is preggers (oh no! Wait … no, that isn’t the right reaction, hooray!), and guess what that means? That’s right, I fainted in a hilarious fashion. But it also means I bopped my head and now can’t remember a thing! Do you remember what happened in Nine Months?

Pop Quiz Hot Shot!

1) The movie stars Hugh Grant and Julianne Moore and they have an idyllic life. What are their respective jobs?

2) Ruh-roh, Julianne Moore is pregnant! And woe is Hugh Grant because he’s going to have to give up everything he loves! What are the two main things that aren’t “baby safe” that must be cut from his life, much to his chagrin?

3) Welp, Hugh really screwed the pooch now! He’s being kicked out of the house by his (former?) fiance Julianne. Why?

4) Oh I forgot about Tom Arnold and Joan Cusack. They have like a million kids. But what is the one thing Tom Arnold is hoping for with the next one?

5) In the end Hugh is racing to the hospital. Who, ultimately, ends up at the hospital with them?

Bonus Question: In the mid-credits scene we’re a year in the future and the little baby boy is growing up. But Julianne has another thing to announce. What is it?

Answers