Writer-Director – Bad Movie Twins

Staying Alive Preview

“Alright, well this looks like a slam dunk,” says one of the elderly jurors, “which is good because I have tickets to Wrestlemania tonight in the city.” He holds up a pair of tickets and walks to stare out the window. The field trip to Dark Territory was fun, but reality was setting in now that they were back in the jury room. “Let’s vote,” says the foreman and hands out small pieces of paper. Poor kid. But you just can’t go slashing a sheriff with a samurai sword and get away with it. You just can’t! As the ‘guilty’ votes are read, they begin to pack up. Suddenly a ‘not guilty’ vote rings out. Everyone stops and looks at Jamie. He takes a moment before acknowledging that yes, it was him. “I just think there should be a discussion, maybe,” he says sheepishly. “I don’t think so, bub,” says Wrestlemania, fuming. Several other jurors also demand he change his vote. “Ok, ok, how about this,” Jamie says, holding up his hands. “Let me ask you all just one thing.” They begrudgingly agree. “The murder weapon…” Jamie begins and Wrestlemania jumps on it immediately. “Exactly,” he says, “They found him with the murder weapon. A samurai sword! With an eagle on the handle!” The rest of the jury nod. “Oh really,” Jamie says and pulls his own samurai sword from his back scabbard and flips it in the air to land point down in the table. The jurors gasp and look at each other in disbelief. It’s an exact replica. “I guess,” says the foreman, “a little discussion won’t hurt.” “My god. That kid out there is probably laughing at us,” fumes Wrestlemania. But Jamie doesn’t think he’s laughing at all. He’s too busy just staying alive. That’s right! If you thought we would do Stay Alive and not take that opportunity to smash cut directly into the Saturday Night Fever sequel Staying Alive then… I don’t know what to say. It would mean you didn’t know us at all and that’s pretty sad. Let’s go!

Staying Alive (1983) – BMeTric: 61.1; Notability: 52

StreetCreditReport.com – BMeTric: top 1.3%; Notability: top 3.4%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 0.0%; Higher BMeT: Jaws 3-D, Smokey and the Bandit Part 3, Superman III; Higher Notability: Superman III, Curse of the Pink Panther, Krull, Deal of the Century, Doctor Detroit, Flashdance, The Sting II, D.C. Cab; Notes: Don’t worry, Smokey and the Bandit Part III is on the docket. Looking at the 90s television data is kind of funny. The three Smokey and the Bandit films played 81, 47, and 20 times. Almost perfectly 50% of the prior one. The first is a classic obviously.

New York Times – Janet Maslin – ONLY the presence of John Travolta turns ”Staying Alive” from an unqualified disaster into a qualified one. Mr. Travolta is able to radiate warmth and sweetness even under the direst of circumstances, which are certainly the ones in which he finds himself here. As directed by Sylvester Stallone, who is also co-writer and coproducer, ”Staying Alive” is a sequel with no understanding of what made its predecessor work. The first film was funny and touching, powered by a phenomenally successful score. This one is clumsy, mean spirited and amazingly unmusical.

(Janet is right about everything here. This is exactly the issue with the film. It is just kind of depressing and joyless and misses everything that made the original work.)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wfCaqIudqbE/

(Give me that music up top, c’mon … yeah there it is. Hoooooooooo doggy Travolta looking sexy in this trailer. What more is there to say, 10/10 trailer on the Travolta Sexiness scale.)

Directors – Sylvester Stallone – ( Known For: The Expendables; Rocky II; Rocky Balboa; Rocky III; Paradise Alley; BMT: Rambo; Rocky IV; Staying Alive; Notes: Welp, we finished his directorial efforts. Stallone, get behind the lens, you know you want to.)

Writers – Nik Cohn – ( Known For: Saturday Night Fever; BMT: Staying Alive; Notes: He was the writer of the article that Saturday Night Fever was based on.)

Sylvester Stallone – ( Known For: Rocky; The Expendables; The Expendables 2; Creed; First Blood; Rocky II; Rocky Balboa; Rocky III; Creed II; Cliffhanger; Homefront; Creed III; F.I.S.T.; Paradise Alley; BMT: Rambo; Rocky IV; The Expendables 3; Rambo: First Blood Part II; Rocky V; Rambo III; Rambo: Last Blood; Cobra; Over the Top; Driven; Staying Alive; Rhinestone; Notes: And, yup, we also finished up Stallone’s writing credits. Fuck you A Working Man, why did you have to ruin the dream.)

Norman Wexler – ( Known For: Serpico; Saturday Night Fever; Joe; Mandingo; Drum; BMT: Raw Deal; Staying Alive; Notes: Was born in New Bedford, huh. He was nominated for two Oscars, one for the movie Joe, and the other for Serpico. For real though … like Joe? I haven’t heard of this film.)

Actors – John Travolta – ( Known For: Pulp Fiction; Face/Off; Grease; Bolt; Austin Powers in Goldmember; Carrie; The Taking of Pelham 123; The Thin Red Line; Hairspray; Savages; Broken Arrow; Get Shorty; Saturday Night Fever; Look Who’s Talking; Phenomenon; Blow Out; Ladder 49; Killing Season; A Civil Action; Primary Colors; Future BMT: The Punisher; From Paris with Love; Basic; The General’s Daughter; Look Who’s Talking Too; Michael; Look Who’s Talking Now; Domestic Disturbance; Mad City; Lucky Numbers; White Man’s Burden; Shout; BMT: Swordfish; Wild Hogs; Battlefield Earth; Be Cool; Old Dogs; Staying Alive; Perfect; Two of a Kind; Notes: Man, we didn’t do The Punisher? But like … how have we done the other ones? Is that right? That is the craziest bit of flotsam we have. Actually strike that, having done Scary Movie 5 and not registering the first four as BMT films was the craziest bit of flotsam.)

Cynthia Rhodes – ( Known For: Dirty Dancing; Runaway; Curse of the Crystal Eye; BMT: Flashdance; Staying Alive; Notes: She seems to have quit the business when she married Richard Marx. Except of course the ridiculous film Curse of the Crystal Eye (never played on television).)

Finola Hughes – ( Known For: Like Crazy; Above Suspicion; Intrepid; Nutcracker; Future BMT: Aspen Extreme; BMT: Staying Alive; Notes: Aspen Extreme! Hol up … we HAVE to do Aspen Extreme. That movie is one of those perfect “they don’t release em like they used to” BMT gems.)

Budget/Gross – $22 million / Domestic: $64,892,670 (Worldwide: $64,893,329)

(That is obviously solid. I imagine it is the terrible reviews that made them not go for the trilogy. Maybe Stallone should start brushing off scripts, I think Travolta’s still got it.)

Rotten Tomatoes – 0% (0/30): This sequel to Saturday Night Fever is shockingly embarrassing and unnecessary, trading the original’s dramatic depth for a series of uninspired dance sequences.

(ZERO OUT OF THIRTY?! What the hell. Is this the crown jewel of How the Hell Haven’t We Done This Yet?! cycle.)

NY Times Short Review: Lackluster sequel to “Saturday Night Fever”. (… yeah that sums it up NYT).

Poster – Dancin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo

(I have never seen a poster that would turn me off of a film more than this one. If I saw this in a theater I would say “nope” and turn right around. But… I am in love with that font. This might be the best poster font we’ve seen in quite a while. I hate this poster but that font rescues it. C.)

Tagline(s) – Tony Manero knows the old days are over. But nobody’s gonna tell him he can’t feel that good again. (D)

(No way. No how. I gave it a D because it’s actually so weird that it’s kind of funny.)

Keyword(s) – top BMeT

Top 10: Fifty Shades of Grey (2015), The Twilight Saga: New Moon (2009), Green Lantern (2011), Batman & Robin (1997), Batman Forever (1995), The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1 (2011), Ghost Rider (2007), The Happening (2008), A Good Day to Die Hard (2013), The Mummy (2017)

Future BMT: 96.3 Disaster Movie (2008), 93.6 Date Movie (2006), 90.7 Vampires Suck (2010), 90.1 House of the Dead (2003), 89.0 BloodRayne (2005), 87.9 Winnie-the-Pooh: Blood and Honey (2023), 86.9 Street Fighter (1994), 86.6 The Adventures of Sharkboy and Lavagirl 3-D (2005), 84.1 Spy Kids 4: All the Time in the World (2011), 83.1 Inspector Gadget (1999), 81.5 You Got Served (2004), 80.0 Jonas Brothers: The 3D Concert Experience (2009), 80.0 Jeepers Creepers III (2017), 79.5 Daddy Day Camp (2007), 79.4 Home Alone 3 (1997), 79.3 Boogeyman (2005), 78.7 Shark Night (2011), 78.2 The Oogieloves in the Big Balloon Adventure (2012), 78.1 Who’s Your Caddy? (2007), 78.0 Jeepers Creepers: Reborn (2022)

BMT: Epic Movie (2007), Meet the Spartans (2008), Battlefield Earth (2000), Dragonball Evolution (2009), Catwoman (2004), Jack and Jill (2011), Batman & Robin (1997), Son of the Mask (2005), The Room (2003), The Emoji Movie (2017), Cats (2019), Gigli (2003), Scary Movie V (2013), Alone in the Dark (2005), Jaws: The Revenge (1987), The Last Airbender (2010), Mortal Kombat: Annihilation (1997), The Wicker Man (2006), Manos: The Hands of Fate (1966), Madame Web (2024), Superman IV: The Quest for Peace (1987), Fifty Shades of Grey (2015), Speed 2: Cruise Control (1997), Slender Man (2018), Dumb and Dumberer: When Harry Met Lloyd (2003), Jaws 3-D (1983), Troll 2 (1990), The Love Guru (2008), Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2 (2004), In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale (2007), The Cat in the Hat (2003), The Avengers (1998), Crossroads (2002), Halloween: Resurrection (2002), The Fog (2005), Fantastic Four (2015), Rollerball (2002), Baby Geniuses (1999), Spice World (1997), From Justin to Kelly (2003), Dungeons & Dragons (2000), Norbit (2007), …

Best Options (Romance): 93.6 Date Movie (2006), 77.9 Nutty Professor II: The Klumps (2000), 75.5 Look Who’s Talking Now (1993), 74.9 Junior (1994), 74.6 God’s Not Dead (2014), 72.7 Look Who’s Talking Too (1990), 72.4 Bewitched (2005), 72.3 Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector (2006), 64.9 Sex Tape (2014), 64.4 Van Wilder: The Rise of Taj (2006), 62.9 The Honeymooners (2005), 62.3 Obsessed (2009), 61.2 Beethoven’s 2nd (1993), 61.2 Staying Alive (1983), 57.8 The Next Best Thing (2000), 56.0 Why Did I Get Married Too? (2010), 55.9 Radhe Shyam (2022), 55.7 Fame (2009), 55.5 The Back-up Plan (2010), 55.3 Who’s That Girl (1987), 55.0 Honey (2003), 54.3 The Bachelor (1999), 54.2 Maid in Manhattan (2002), 54.1 The Divorce (2003), 53.7 Abandon (2002), 53.7 Meet the Browns (2008), 53.4 Aloha (2015), 52.4 Loser (2000), 52.4 How Do You Know (2010), 52.3 Superstar (1999), 52.2 Addicted (2014), 51.1 Over Her Dead Body (2008), 51.1 Little Fockers (2010)

(Again, would Junior have been a better option? Maybe, but the idea of finishing up Stallone basically was too alluring. We only have one Stallone film left. This was our 25th Stallone film. It is crazy stuff.)

Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 14) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: John Travolta is No. 1 billed in Staying Alive and No. 2 billed in Wild Hogs, which also stars Ray Liotta (No. 5 billed) who is in In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale (No. 2 billed) which also stars Leelee Sobieski (No. 3 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 1 billed) => (1 + 2) + (5 + 2) + (3 + 1) = 14. If we were to watch Shout we can get the HoE Number down to 10.

Notes – John Travolta has claimed his favorite director to work with was Sylvester Stallone. He said Stallone knew how to make him look the best on screen.

Under Sylvester Stallone’s supervision, John Travolta spent five months doing rigorous training to develop a dancer’s physique for this film, losing 20 pounds in the process.

DIRECTOR_CAMEO(Sylvester Stallone): Bumping into Tony Manero as he walks down the sidewalk in a crowd. They turn to look at each other for a moment.

This was one of 1983’s most successful films at the box office.

This was the last non-“Rocky” film Sylvester Stallone directed until Rambo (2008).

Awards – Nominee for the Razzie Award for Worst Actor (John Travolta)

Nominee for the Razzie Award for Worst Supporting Actress (Finola Hughes)

Nominee for the Razzie Award for Worst New Star (Finola Hughes)

Stay Alive Preview

Jamie and the rest of the jury wander around Dark Territory, a neighboring village in the same county as Hallston named after its twin founders Terri and Tory Dark. “So he murdered the sheriff right here in the town square?” Jamie asks. The county prosecutor nods. “He slashed him with a samurai sword, shirtless, so his distinctive and hideous chest scar was fully visible?” Correct again. “Visible to that school house 300 yards away filled with witnesses?” Yes, yes, yes. “Then he parkoured onto the roof of the bank and escaped into Hallston?” This is all a matter of public record. “Then he was picked up at a Hallston motel with a samurai sword wiped clean and claims to have no memory at all of where he was that whole day, thus having no alibi?” The country prosecutor is losing patience. “Sounds like a slam dunk,” Jamie finishes and the prosecutor sighs and walks away. This incredibly sad person is getting on his nerves. Jamie looks at the accused, who is sitting solemnly with Ms. LaRouche. He looks him up and down and snorts incredulously. He looks at the school and thinks about how confusing it must have seemed to those kids. Both horrifying and yet rad. He snorts again. He kneels down and tastes the dirt. He raises his nose and sniffs the air. This doesn’t taste or smell right at all. His drop dead gorgeous mind starts whirring a mile a minute. The pieces fall into place and he murmurs, “my god.” It’s his turn to write something on a pad of paper. But he’s not showing it to Ms. LaRouche. He’s showing it to that young man who stands accused of this murder most foul. The paper reads, ‘Stay alive.” Ms. LaRouche smiles slyly. That’s right! We are staying alive with Stay Alive. This killer video game horror film is peak 2000’s and has been on my watch list for ages. A classic, “Wait, that was in theaters?” film. Let’s go!

Stay Alive (2006) – BMeTric: 62.3; Notability: 29

StreetCreditReport.com – BMeTric: top 9.2%; Notability: top 34.4%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 6.9%; Higher BMeT: Date Movie, The Wicker Man, Ultraviolet, Pledge This!, Little Man, Basic Instinct 2, Material Girls, Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector, Zoom, The Shaggy Dog, Big Momma’s House 2, DOA: Dead or Alive, The Santa Clause 3: The Escape Clause, Black Christmas, Pulse, Crossover, The Marine, Phat Girlz, Scary Movie 4, Eragon, and 3 more; Higher Notability: Poseidon, The Da Vinci Code, Eragon, The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift, Scary Movie 4, The Wild, Click, The Pink Panther, Smokin’ Aces, Zoom, The Guardian, The Black Dahlia, School for Scoundrels, The Shaggy Dog, Just My Luck, All the King’s Men, Happily N’Ever After, Lady in the Water, The Santa Clause 3: The Escape Clause, Factory Girl, and 66 more; Lower RT: The Contract, Pledge This!, Crossover, Material Girls, The Covenant, Zoom, Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector, Big Momma’s House 2, Basic Instinct 2, Deck the Halls, Happily N’Ever After, Date Movie, Van Wilder: The Rise of Taj, When a Stranger Calls, Ultraviolet, See No Evil, Annapolis; Notes: We’ve seen 8 of those 20 higher BMeT films, but I’ve seen Santa Clause 3 and Scary Movie 4 on my own time. We’ll have to get back to those at some point. The 00s were nuts though, those are some terrible movies.

New York Times – Neil Genzlinger – The star of “Stay Alive” is a cutting-edge video game, but the film still has hackneyed horror at its heart. And worse, it’s not even the stylishly, wittily executed hackneyed horror of the “Scream” movies.

(That title is incredible. I wouldn’t have really thought “beta” would have worked as an insult in 2006, go figure.)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DjzqGzuZSfI/

(my God it looks awful. Just, really, one of the worst trailers I’ve seen in a while. Sometimes we watch things where it is truly like how did this get made? Or more importantly, how did this get released to theaters as a real movie you had to play for.)

Directors – William Brent Bell – ( Known For: Orphan: First Kill; Wer; Lord of Misrule; Future BMT: The Boy; Brahms: The Boy II; Separation; BMT: The Devil Inside; Stay Alive; Notes: Mein got, The Devil Inside. Maybe the worst horror film I’ve ever seen, with the worst ending I’ve ever seen. Legend!)

Writers – William Brent Bell – ( Known For: Wer; BMT: The Devil Inside; Stay Alive; Notes: Not surprising he wasn’t allowed to write his own stuff eventually, those are his first three films! And obviously Wer is tiny. After that he did The Boy, and then that kind of wrote a ticket for a bunch of mediocre horror films.)

Matthew Peterman – ( Known For: Wer; BMT: The Devil Inside; Stay Alive; Notes: Maybe the writing partner of Bell? He has no other credits than those three, and never did any directing.)

Actors – Jon Foster – ( Known For: Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines; Thirteen Days; Life as a House; Rampart; Like Father; The Informers; The Door in the Floor; Tenderness; Mr. Jones; Brotherhood; The Mysteries of Pittsburgh; The Last Rites of Ransom Pride; Poor Boy; Future BMT: Pandorum; BMT: Stay Alive; Notes: He is Ben Foster’s brother, which makes sense. He seems semi-retired at this point. If I’m reading this thing right, his wife played young Steven Tyler in an Aerosmith music video? … Can that be right?)

Samaire Armstrong – ( Known For: It’s a Boy Girl Thing; Rise: Blood Hunter; The 2nd; Terror on the Prairie; Windsor Drive; A Winter Rose; Future BMT: Not Another Teen Movie; Just My Luck; BMT: Stay Alive; Notes: You know Samaire Armstrong! Oh you don’t? She was the losing leg of the season one love triangle in The O.C. involving Seth and Summer. She is also a kook, calling BLM a terrorist organization, voting for Trump, and doing God’s Not Dead movies.)

Frankie Muniz – ( Known For: Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story; Stuck on You; Dr. Dolittle 2; Big Fat Liar; My Dog Skip; Extreme Movie; It Had to Be You; The Black String; Pizza Man; My Sexiest Year; Future BMT: Agent Cody Banks; Racing Stripes; Agent Cody Banks 2: Destination London; Deuces Wild; BMT: Stay Alive; Lost & Found; Notes: Y’all know Frankie Muniz … you know, the racecar driver. His career was short and sweet, and now he’s coming back for a Malcolm in the Middle reunion.)

Budget/Gross – $20 million / Domestic: $23,086,480 (Worldwide: $27,298,695)

(That is terrible, but also I don’t understand why this would cost $20 million … is it possible that a dumb company would overspend on producing the crap video game cutscenes? Maybe.)

Rotten Tomatoes – 11% (6/57): A by-the-numbers teen horror flick, Stay Alive fails to exploit its premise for any real scares.

(Six good reviews is beyond anything I could have imagined for this. So are 57 genuine reviews. I am often stunned by the films that got giant releases back in the day.)

Reviewer Highlight: Teen fodder like this isn’t known for sophistication or storytelling depth, but the filmmakers seem to take the film’s video-game theme as permission to eschew even the horror genre’s exceedingly lenient minimums for characterization. – Nathan Rabin, AV Club

Poster – Game Over

(I like the visual. I like the bold color. I like the font. But overall, this is also dumb as rocks. Still, there is a lot to like. B.)

Tagline(s) – You Die In The Game – You Die For Real (B)

Play It To Death (C-)

(I like the first one as a hook, even if it’s not all that clever. The second is blessedly short and I do know what they were going for. But that doesn’t mean I have to like it.)

Keyword(s) – top BMeT

Best Options (Horror): 90.7 Vampires Suck (2010), 90.1 House of the Dead (2003), 89.0 BloodRayne (2005), 87.9 Winnie-the-Pooh: Blood and Honey (2023), 80.0 Jeepers Creepers III (2017), 79.3 Boogeyman (2005), 78.7 Shark Night (2011), 78.0 Jeepers Creepers: Reborn (2022), 75.4 The Apparition (2012), 75.3 The Grudge (2019), 74.8 Paranormal Activity 4 (2012), 74.4 The Turning (2020), 73.9 The Last Exorcism Part II (2013), 73.2 The Unborn (2009), 71.6 Paranormal Activity: The Ghost Dimension (2015), 71.1 Texas Chainsaw (2013), 70.4 The Pyramid (2014), 69.4 Black Christmas (2006), 69.3 Pulse (2006), 68.8 Captivity (2007), 68.4 Meet the Blacks (2016), 67.7 Seed of Chucky (2004), 67.6 The Disappointments Room (2016), 66.9 The Darkness (2016), 66.4 The Woman in Black 2: Angel of Death (2014), 66.2 The Haunting of Molly Hartley (2008), 65.5 Brahms: The Boy II (2020), 64.9 The Final Destination (2009), 64.8 Blair Witch (2016), 64.5 The Exorcism (2024), 64.0 Valentine (2001), 63.9 Skinwalkers (2006), 63.4 My Soul to Take (2010), 63.1 The Hills Have Eyes 2 (2007), 62.6 Imaginary (2024), 62.3 Stay Alive (2006), 62.2 Darkness Falls (2003), 61.9 Pet Sematary II (1992), 61.8 The Grudge 2 (2006), 61.6 When a Stranger Calls (2006), 61.2 Paranormal Activity: The Marked Ones (2014), 60.7 The Mangler (1995), 60.4 Exorcist: The Beginning (2004), 60.2 Children of the Corn II: The Final Sacrifice (1992), 60.1 Spiral (2021), …

(This was chosen a while back. A crazy horror film with a killer video game. How haven’t we done this before?!)

Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 27) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Milo Ventimiglia is No. 8 billed in Stay Alive and No. 6 billed in Cursed, which also stars Jesse Eisenberg (No. 2 billed) who is in Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice (No. 3 billed) which also stars Ben Affleck (No. 1 billed) who is in Pearl Harbor (No. 1 billed) which also stars Josh Hartnett (No. 3 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 3 billed) => (8 + 6) + (2 + 3) + (1 + 1) + (3 + 3) = 27. If we were to watch Racing Stripes we can get the HoE Number down to 13.

Notes – Countess Elizabeth Bathory did actually exist. However, for the perspective of the film, her story takes place in New Orleans, whereas historically she was located in Hungary.

It was Disney’s only slasher film.

Video game reference: The old-fashioned camera that Abigail uses in the film is a reference to the popular “Fatal Frame” (known as “Rei Zero” in it’s native Japan, and as “Project Zero” in Europe) series of horror/survival games, upon which the “Stay Alive” concept is partially based.

Milo Ventimiglia had to wear contacts in order to see through his glasses.

Ben Foster was going to play the role of Hutch O’Neill, but gave the role to his brother Jon Foster instead because he thought it was better suited for him.

Joker: Folie à Deux Preview

A week later Jamie and Patrick wring their hands as the meeting of Hallston’s Library Committee begins. The strangers they saw in the ASoMN weren’t just any strangers. They were The Strangers… of Stranger & Stranger Construction. The biggest construction company in town. It became clear from the equipment they had hidden in the erotic thriller section of ASoMN that they were there to scope out the place for something and Jamie and Patrick needed to find out what. Unfortunately, Jacques insisted that they weren’t going to get anywhere by following the rules and had already been Jokerfied. They hadn’t seen him since. As the meeting begins it becomes clear that the news is not going to be good. “We just got a detailed report from the local inspector and given the massive tunnel system under the library, it appears that the library could collapse into a chasm or abyss of some kind at any moment.” Jamie rises to try to show schematics detailing how the chasm (or abyss) was in fact under a nearby insane asylum, so the library was perfectly safe, but the committee chair bangs his gavel loudly to silence him. When Jamie looks at the name placard in front of the chairman his heart sinks. “As I was saying,” Chairman Stranger continues, staring daggers at Jamie, “Stranger & Stranger Construction has been nice enough to find a buyer for the land and so we move to accept.” Jamie and Patrick jump to their feet. “But what about the library?!” They shout. Chairman Stranger bangs his gavel several more times and with a dramatic pause announces, “There shall be no more library.” The audience gasps and Patrick can tell from the dull glint in Jamie’s dead doll eyes that he is one step away from becoming Jokerfied himself. That’s right! We’re being Jokerfied this week by watching Joker: Folie à Deux. It’s got Joker! It’s got Harley Quinn! It’s got song and dance! So it’s pretty much got everything. Let’s go!

Joker: Folie à Deux (2024) – BMeTric: 62.0; Notability: 73

StreetCreditReport.com – BMeTric: top 4.4%; Notability: top 0.0%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 16.2%; Higher BMeT: Madame Web, Borderlands, The American Society of Magical Negroes, The Crow, Uglies, The Strangers: Chapter 1, Night Swim, Tarot, Trigger Warning, The Exorcism, Imaginary; Lower RT: Megamind vs. The Doom Syndicate, Borderlands, Madame Web, Mother of the Bride, Breathe, Justice League: Crisis on Infinite Earths – Part Two, Kraven the Hunter, Uglies, Rebel Moon – Part Two: The Scargiver, Tarot, Reagan, Killer Heat, Canary Black, Mea Culpa, Atlas, Night Swim, Trigger Warning, The Strangers: Chapter 1, The Crow, Afraid, and 18 more; Notes: That is a crazy BMeT and Notability. I wonder if you multiply those numbers together what you’d find … could be interesting. I’ve probably done it.

Variety – Did the critics, with “Joker,” turn into cautious executive scolds? In my opinion, they did. But the upshot is that Todd Phillips, making what I think is a huge mistake, listened to them. “Joker: Folie à Deux” may be ambitious and superficially outrageous, but at heart it’s an overly cautious sequel. Phillips has made a movie in which Arthur really is just poor Arthur; he does nothing wrong and isn’t going to threaten anyone’s moral sensibilities. In fact, he actually blows the only good thing that ever happened to him — winning the love of Lee’s Harley Quinn — because he denies the Joker in himself. He’s now just a singing-and-dancing puppet clown living in his imagination. Is that entertainment? Audiences, I suspect, will still turn out in droves to see “Folie à Deux.” But when it comes to bold mainstream filmmaking, it’s the scolds who are having the last laugh.

(Narrator: They did not. This ended up being a fantastic bomb. I disagree with people being scolds. The film itself just isn’t particularly good. Phoenix is good. But the film is cribbing from several other better films.)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fiqqAI0e4Nc/

(That movie looks dope. The movie that actually resulted? Boring and weird apparently. But that movies looks dope.)

Directors – Todd Phillips – ( Known For: Joker; The Hangover; War Dogs; Old School; Road Trip; Starsky & Hutch; Bittersweet Motel; Frat House; Future BMT: The Hangover Part II; Due Date; The Hangover Part III; BMT: Joker: Folie à Deux; School for Scoundrels; Notes: Famously made a boatload with the Hangover films. Famously made a boatload from Joker too. He’s nominated for Oscars for writing Borat (?) and for three categories for Joker, but didn’t win.)

Writers – Scott Silver – ( Known For: Joker; The Fighter; 8 Mile; The Finest Hours; Johns; BMT: Joker: Folie à Deux; The Mod Squad; Notes: Nominated for an Oscar for Joker and The Fighter. His career is wild. The Mod Squad to 8 Mile? Wild.)

Todd Phillips – ( Known For: Joker; Borat; War Dogs; Old School; Road Trip; Starsky & Hutch; Future BMT: The Hangover Part II; Due Date; The Hangover Part III; BMT: Joker: Folie à Deux; School for Scoundrels; Notes: He has a story credit on Borat? Oh yeah, he was the original director, but he left after the Rodeo scene and then Larry Charles took over.)

Bob Kane and Bill Finger and Jerry Robinson – ( Known For: The Dark Knight; The Dark Knight Rises; Batman Begins; Joker; The Batman; Zack Snyder’s Justice League; Batman; Batman Returns; The Flash; The Lego Batman Movie; The Lego Movie 2: The Second Part; DC League of Super-Pets; Batman: Mask of the Phantasm; Batman: The Movie; Son of Batman; Batman Ninja; Teen Titans GO! To the Movies; Reign of the Supermen; Batman and Harley Quinn; Batman: Soul of the Dragon; Future BMT: Batman: The Killing Joke; BMT: Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice; Justice League; Batman & Robin; Batman Forever; Joker: Folie à Deux; Catwoman; Notes: This is Bob Kane’s filmography, but I grouped them because they are just here because they make Joker as a character.)

Paul Dini and Bruce Timm – ( Known For: Birds of Prey and the Fantabulous Emancipation of One Harley Quinn; Batman: Mask of the Phantasm; Batman Ninja; Batman and Harley Quinn; BMT: Joker: Folie à Deux; Double Dragon; Notes: Similarly, he appears to have a lot of stuff with the cartoons, and so he managed to get a credit through that?)

Actors – Joaquin Phoenix – ( Known For: Gladiator; Joker; Her; Signs; Hotel Rwanda; The Village; Walk the Line; The Master; Napoleon; You Were Never Really Here; Inherent Vice; We Own the Night; The Sisters Brothers; Beau Is Afraid; Irrational Man; Ladder 49; Quills; Parenthood; To Die For; U Turn; Future BMT: 8MM; Brother Bear; Inventing the Abbotts; Russkies; BMT: Joker: Folie à Deux; Notes: Gave one of the most hilarious (IMO) Oscar speeches ever for Joker. Was nominated three other times (Walk the Line, The Master, and Gladiator). If you haven’t seen Beau is Afraid, watch it. It is insane in the best way.)

Lady Gaga – ( Known For: A Star Is Born; Sin City: A Dame to Kill For; House of Gucci; Muppets Most Wanted; Gaga: Five Foot Two; Quincy; Risk; Gaga Chromatica Ball; Bettie Page Reveals All; The Zen of Bennett; Future BMT: Machete Kills; BMT: Joker: Folie à Deux; Notes: Weird to think she’s an Oscar winner (for the song “Shallow”). But was also nominated for two other songs (The Hunting Ground, and Top Gun: Maverick), and a performance (A Star is Born).)

Brendan Gleeson – ( Known For: Braveheart; Edge of Tomorrow; Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire; Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix; Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 1; Troy; Gangs of New York; In Bruges; 28 Days Later; Mission: Impossible II; A.I. Artificial Intelligence; The Village; The Banshees of Inisherin; Safe House; Beowulf; The Ballad of Buster Scruggs; Cold Mountain; In the Heart of the Sea; Green Zone; Paddington 2; Future BMT: Kingdom of Heaven; The Raven; Live by Night; The Smurfs 2; BMT: Assassin’s Creed; Joker: Folie à Deux; Turbulence; Notes: IT is crazy he’s only been nominated for The Banshees of Inishirin. Is apparently in the upcoming Spider-Noir series with Nic Cage.)

Budget/Gross – $190–200 million / Domestic: $58,300,287 (Worldwide: $207,500,287)

(Yeah that is an incredible bomb. One of the largest of the year. It makes sense it costs that much … but why the production didn’t seem to have any control on what was being produced is beyond me.)

Rotten Tomatoes – 31% (113/362): Joaquin Phoenix’s eponymous Joker takes the stand in a sequel that dances around while the story remains still, although Lady Gaga’s wildcard energy gives Folie á Deux some verve.

(Yeah I can see that. The most interesting stuff in the movie is the DC stuff, but they seem so dead set on not allowing the film become a Batman film it ends up kind of being a letdown.)

Reviewer Highlight: It’s startlingly dull, a pointless procedural that seems to disdain its audience. – Richard Lawson, Vanity Fair

Poster – Midnight Toker 2: Stroker’s Ace

(A very modern poster. Got some art to it. I do like the odd coloring and they at least try a little with the font. But this also gives me an opportunity to sound like an old curmudgeon for a second. Why is everything so zoomed in nowadays? What’s with that? B-)

Tagline(s) – The world is a stage. (F)

(Get out of here with that shit.)

Keyword(s) – 2024-2024

Top 10: Dune: Part Two (2024), Deadpool & Wolverine (2024), Furiosa: A Mad Max Saga (2024), The Substance (2024), Alien: Romulus (2024), Civil War (2024), The Fall Guy (2024), Gladiator II (2024), Inside Out 2 (2024), Longlegs (2024)

Future BMT: 72.3 Singham Again (2024), 64.5 The Exorcism (2024), 62.6 Imaginary (2024), 50.9 Kraven the Hunter (2024), 47.5 Afraid (2024), 30.3 Slingshot (2024), 29.3 Harold and the Purple Crayon (2024), 28.3 Devara Part 1 (2024), 26.0 Fighter (2024), 24.5 Red One (2024), 24.2 Summer Camp (2024), 21.7 The Fabulous Four (2024), 20.0 Reagan (2024), 19.9 Here (2024)

BMT: Madame Web (2024), Borderlands (2024), The American Society of Magical Negroes (2024), The Crow (2024), The Strangers: Chapter 1 (2024), Night Swim (2024), Tarot (2024), Joker: Folie à Deux (2024), Argylle (2024), The Watchers (2024), The Garfield Movie (2024), Back to Black (2024)

Best Options (imdb-keyword-jukebox-musical): 62.1 Joker: Folie à Deux (2024)

(Haha, well yeah, it is the only jukebox musical I suppose. I unironically love that keyword.)

Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 13) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Brendan Gleeson is No. 3 billed in Joker: Folie à Deux and No. 3 billed in Turbulence, which also stars Ray Liotta (No. 1 billed) who is in In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale (No. 2 billed) which also stars Leelee Sobieski (No. 3 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 1 billed) => (3 + 3) + (1 + 2) + (3 + 1) = 13. If we were to watch 8MM we can get the HoE Number down to 12.

Notes – The film’s subtitle “Folie a Deux” means “Madness of Two” in French. This initially led to speculation about Harley Quinn’s appearance in the film, which was shortly thereafter confirmed. The name Folie a Deux comes from the 19th century French psychiatrists Charles Lasègue and Jules Falret. The term was coined to refer to two or more people that share the same madness or delusion. It is also known as Lasègue-Falret syndrome.

This is Joaquin Phoenix’s first sequel in all his career.

During the opening “Me and My Shadow” cartoon sequence one of the crowd outside the theatre has the “Everything Must Go” sign that Arthur Fleck had stolen from him in the first Joker movie.

This was the first major DC Comics film to be released under the new “DC Elseworlds” banner. The term was first created in 1991 by DC Comics for the stories out of the canon, set in alternate realities.

Dropped 81.4% in its second weekend at the box office, more than any other comic book film, surpassing The Marvels (2023), with 78.1%.

Awards – Nominee for the Razzie Award for Worst Picture (Todd Phillips, Joseph Garner, Emma Tillinger Koskoff)

Nominee for the Razzie Award for Worst Director (Todd Phillips)

Nominee for the Razzie Award for Worst Actor (Joaquin Phoenix)

Nominee for the Razzie Award for Worst Actress (Lady Gaga)

Winner for the Razzie Award for Worst Screen Combo (Joaquin Phoenix, Lady Gaga)

The American Society of Magical Negroes Preview

You could always count on the librarians to have the answers. After listening to Black to Black over and over for a week, Jamie finally agreed to come with Patrick to the ‘brary to return it. “Maybe you can pick up some more death metal… or really anything,” Patrick says brimming with excitement as they neared the library. “Anything?” Jamie says skeptically, but Patrick is already speed walking to the door. He waves hello to Denise and Denise as he enters and points in excitement at Jamie. “You wanna look at some old newspapers? The library even has those. They’ve got all kinds of cool things in them like TV listings and… mostly that really.” Jamie nods. That is kind of cool. But looking around he gets a crackerjack idea. “What about a VHS copy of Crackerjack?” He says, suddenly hopeful. Patrick nods hesitantly and looks at Nathaniel. Nathaniel shakes his beak quickly. “Uh, let’s ask Denise,” Patrick says approaching the front desk, his eyes pleading with either of the Denises to think of something. “Well, unfortunately back in 2003, around the time that a fun, but quite bad, Celtics team was getting swept by the Pacers,” Jamie and Patrick wince, “we actually discontinued and disposed of all…” but just as she’s about to destroy everything Patrick has worked for, she’s interrupted by a loud creaking of a nearby door. “Ahem…” a small, wizened old man coughs, “Perhaps I can be of assistance, Denise.” The Denises look at each other in confusion. They’d never seen this man in their life… in fact, they’ve never seen the door he’s come out of before and they’ve been working the ‘brary scene for nigh 25 years. A small placard on the door says that it leads to The American Society of… That’s right! We’re watching The American Society of Magical Negroes. You’re probably thinking “That sounds like a bad idea.” You’d probably be right. Let’s go!

The American Society of Magical Negroes (2024) – BMeTric: 68.9; Notability: 18

StreetCreditReport.com – BMeTric: top 0.8%; Notability: top 12.0%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 12.4%; Higher BMeT: Madame Web, Borderlands; Higher Notability: Joker: Folie à Deux, Reagan, Borderlands, The Garfield Movie, Madame Web, Back to Black, Here, Argylle, Kraven the Hunter, Lift, Red One, Rebel Moon – Part Two: The Scargiver, Jackpot!, Atlas, The Union, The Crow, Justice League: Crisis on Infinite Earths – Part Two, My Spy The Eternal City, Harold and the Purple Crayon, A Family Affair, and 10 more; Lower RT: Tyler Perry’s Divorce in the Black, Megamind vs. The Doom Syndicate, Borderlands, Madame Web, Mother of the Bride, Kraven the Hunter, Breathe, Uglies, Rebel Moon – Part Two: The Scargiver, Justice League: Crisis on Infinite Earths – Part Two, Tarot, Reagan, Killer Heat, Canary Black, Mea Culpa, Atlas, Night Swim, Dear Santa, Trigger Warning, The Strangers: Chapter 1, and 8 more; Notes: The BMeTric is not surprisingly off the chain. Fun fact: not that bad of a movie, just a bit tepid and boring.

Variety – “The American Society of Magical Negroes,” a comedy of racial images that’s every bit as witty and scandalous as “American Fiction” (it almost feels like a kind of cousin to Cord Jefferson’s film), only this one follows through on the outrage. The writer-director, Kobi Libii, wants to make us laugh and twist our heads at the same time. He brings it off. “The American Society of Magical Negroes” is a deftly observant fantasy comedy that stays true to its own irreverence.

(Nice. I kind of genuinely agree. The film is satire. Whether it bites is really up to whether you find any of it even remotely amusing.)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gizIbhk5Eu4/

(This trailer looks dumb except when it goes real extreme. The White Tears meter is objectively funny. But mostly it looks dumb and like a generic romantic comedy.)

Directors – Kobi Libii – ( BMT: The American Society of Magical Negroes; Notes: He was actually an actor in real television shows, like Madam Secretary and Alpha House.)

Writers – Kobi Libii – ( BMT: The American Society of Magical Negroes; Notes: He wrote a V show with Jordan Klepper on Comedy Central which I’ve never heard of.)

Actors – Justice Smith – ( Known For: Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom; Dungeons & Dragons: Honor Among Thieves; Pokémon: Detective Pikachu; Paper Towns; Ron’s Gone Wrong; All the Bright Places; The Voyeurs; Sharper; I Saw the TV Glow; Every Day; BMT: Jurassic World Dominion; The American Society of Magical Negroes; Notes: To have this and then I Saw the TV Glow in the same year is something. I really like him, although I can understand why someone might not. He has a flat affectation. Works for me.)

Zachary Barton – ( Known For: Kajillionaire; BMT: The American Society of Magical Negroes; Notes: Oh yeah … these are fake. This is the first time in a long time where they did the actual credits order (which is by appearance).)

Anthony Coons – ( BMT: The American Society of Magical Negroes; Notes: The last time this happened was, I believe, Barb Wire. I’m choosing not to alter it.)

Budget/Gross – N/A / Domestic: $2,480,645 (Worldwide: $2,496,248)

(This certainly lost quite a bit of money. Justice Smith probably got paid enough to put this in the red.)

Rotten Tomatoes – 25% (20/79): The American Society of Magical Negroes has a promising premise, but is too timid to fully engage with its most provocative ideas.

(Yeah, I can actually see that. It is a little quiet and timid, but that is kind of what you get from Justice Smith. I would have thought somewhere between 30-50% though, that is low.)

Reviewer Highlight: It’s not only utterly bereft of magic, but what it lacks it’s that sense of anarchic strangeness or weirdness… – Mark Kermode

Poster – American Society of Movie Nerds

(Did they not have a budget? Don’t mind the font and at least a little artistic. C+.)

Tagline(s) – Saving the damn world. (B-)

(I get what they’re up to here. I won’t say it’s good. But it’s subtle and I can appreciate that.)

Keyword(s) – 2024-2024

Top 10: Dune: Part Two (2024), Deadpool & Wolverine (2024), Furiosa: A Mad Max Saga (2024), Civil War (2024), Inside Out 2 (2024), The Fall Guy (2024), Alien: Romulus (2024), Road House (2024), The Substance (2024), The Beekeeper (2024)

Future BMT: 62.3 The Exorcism (2024), 61.6 Imaginary (2024), 61.6 Joker: Folie à Deux (2024), 36.0 Singham Again (2024), 27.4 Slingshot (2024), 27.2 Harold and the Purple Crayon (2024), 25.9 Fighter (2024), 24.8 Devara Part 1 (2024), 19.0 Reagan (2024), 16.7 Here (2024), 11.6 Red One (2024)

BMT: Madame Web (2024), Borderlands (2024), The American Society of Magical Negroes (2024), The Crow (2024), Night Swim (2024), The Strangers: Chapter 1 (2024), Tarot (2024), Argylle (2024), The Watchers (2024), The Garfield Movie (2024), Back to Black (2024)

Best Options (From the Hip): 69.1 The American Society of Magical Negroes (2024)

(Yup, we really painted ourselves in a corner with this one. I remember having to very specifically work backwards and forwards a ton to eventually get the full chain to even work out. Thank god for David Alan Greer.)

Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 22) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: David Alan Grier is No. 2 billed in The American Society of Magical Negroes and No. 8 billed in Tiptoes, which also stars Kate Beckinsale (No. 4 billed) who is in Pearl Harbor (No. 2 billed) which also stars Josh Hartnett (No. 3 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 3 billed) => (2 + 8) + (4 + 2) + (3 + 3) = 22. If we were to watch Blankman we can get the HoE Number down to 16.

Notes – The film was pulled from theaters after three weeks.

Spike Lee coined the term “magical negro” around 2000. It refers to a stereotypical Black supporting character who exists solely to aid a white protagonist. Examples include Forrest Gump (1994), The Green Mile (1999), and The Legend of Bagger Vance (2000).

The film premiered at the Sundance Film Festival.

This is Kobi Libii’s feature film directorial and screenwriting debut.

Night Swim Preview

With that, Samantha turns and picks up a rock from the Bin of Rocks and turns to perform the ceremonial destruction of her previous entry on the Wall of Lovers. While Brad and Alejandro’s ghosts are a bit annoyed by this, they also understand that it was never them. It was always Jamie. There is no other way but to take a Rock to their false love. Four or five Rocks later and covered in sawdust, Samantha turns to Jamie. Together they use a Lover’s Chisel to begin carving the heart that will represent their forever love. It takes hours, interrupted only by intense makeout sessions the likes of which the roller skaters at the roller rink could only dream of. When they finish, Jamie turns to Samantha and asks what’s next. With tears in her eyes she whispers, “Life.”

Months later, Jamie stands on the shores of Hallston Lake. He had moved to Samantha’s hometown and they had indeed lived. But now he was alone. Well, almost. Because Patrick had also moved to Hallston to be there for Jamie in his time of need. “Hey buddy,” Patrick says kindly. “You thinking you want to head back to Brooklyn? Maybe start in on the third book of the Platonic Solids series? How’s that sound?” But that didn’t sound good at all to Jamie. “No… no I don’t think so,” Jamie says monotonously. “I just… need to… go for a swim,” he says looking at the moonlight bouncing off of Hallston Lake. With that he strips entirely nude and wades into the depths of the ice cold lake. Patrick is worried. It was very unlike Jamie to go midnight skinny dipping without eating a large surf and turf dinner immediately beforehand. That’s right! We are taking our own chilly dip into spooky waters with Night Swim. It’s about a haunted swimming pool. Given the impossibility of actually connecting to the 2024 cycle from the 80’s by definition, we built a bicycle with an (ironically) equally spooky horror film, Transylvania 6-5000. A movie that even me, a child of Comedy Central, barely knew existed. Finally we are pairing those with our final Friend of the Bring a Friend cycle: Revolution. It’s the Al Pacino film that doomed the Revolutionary War genre of film for decades. Let’s go!

Night Swim (2024) – BMeTric: 67.5; Notability: 16

StreetCreditReport.com – BMeTric: top 2.0%; Notability: top 13.2%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 7.0%; Higher BMeT: Madame Web, Borderlands, The American Society of Magical Negroes, Uglies, The Crow; Higher Notability: Joker: Folie à Deux, Reagan, Borderlands, The Garfield Movie, Madame Web, Back to Black, Here, Argylle, Kraven the Hunter, Lift, Rebel Moon – Part Two: The Scargiver, Red One, Jackpot!, Atlas, The Union, The Crow, Justice League: Crisis on Infinite Earths – Part Two, My Spy The Eternal City, Harold and the Purple Crayon, A Family Affair, and 13 more; Lower RT: Megamind vs. The Doom Syndicate, Borderlands, Madame Web, Air Force One Down, Mother of the Bride, Kraven the Hunter, Breathe, Uglies, Rebel Moon – Part Two: The Scargiver, Justice League: Crisis on Infinite Earths – Part Two, Tarot, Reagan, Killer Heat, Canary Black, Mea Culpa, Atlas; Notes: The only thing to do with 2024 films is to highlight ones we aren’t watching I suppose. Uglies is a hilarious one. It might as well be the Platonic Solids series, but somehow unironic. With an objectively attractive woman (Joey King) being the titular “ugly”. It’s nuts. I’ll probably read the book long before I watch this movie.

RogerEbert.com – 2.5 stars – Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water, it’s “Night Swim,” your annual January horror movie from the folks at Blumhouse. … The reveal of the entity that’s causing all this terror is laugh-out-loud hilarious, though, and I’m going to choose to assume that was McGuire’s intention. “Night Swim” also features amusing turns in small, supporting roles from Nancy Lenehan as the Minnesota-nice real estate agent who sells the family the house and Ben Sinclair as an oddball pool technician. And Russell clearly knows what movie he’s in as evidenced by some of his line deliveries, which are innocent and earnest in the face of increasingly absurd circumstances. It’s as if he’s beckoning us: Come on in, the water’s fine.

(Do I believe that any of this is ironic? … No, I don’t. Are there jokes in horror films? Yeah, there always has been. The idea that any level of absurdity means all levels of irony are possible I think is an issue in modern filmmaking. This movie isn’t a good horror film. It fails at that at any level. Intentionally failing is not the same as succeeding.)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PhlLO3Nb3sY/

(The Billie Eilish sting is absurd. The movie looks like it could be scary, but something about it (the heavy reliance on young actors maybe) points to this as a disaster in the making.)

Directors – Bryce McGuire – ( BMT: Night Swim; Notes: It is a littler interesting. He has nothing on the docket. That is pretty abnormal for a young director I feel like.)

Writers – Bryce McGuire – ( Known For: Baghead; BMT: Night Swim; Notes: He wrote and directed the short film this is based on as well. Again, the idea that he is ironically making this a bad movie is absurd.)

Rod Blackhurst – ( Known For: Blood for Dust; BMT: Night Swim; Notes: This guy also wrote and directed the short, but didn’t direct the feature length. He has two on the docket though, both horror films.)

Actors – Wyatt Russell – ( Known For: 22 Jump Street; Cowboys & Aliens; This Is 40; Overlord; The Woman in the Window; Escape from L.A.; Everybody Wants Some!!; Ingrid Goes West; Cold in July; We Are What We Are; Shimmer Lake; Goon: Last of the Enforcers; Love and Honor; High School; At the Devil’s Door; Blaze; Folk Hero & Funny Guy; BMT: Soldier; Table 19; Night Swim; Notes: The son of Kurt Russell and Goldie Hawn. He’s now in the MCU as <checks notes> John Walker? Whatever. He’s also in some sort of Steven Spielberg film that is coming out.)

Kerry Condon – ( Known For: Avengers: Endgame; Avengers: Infinity War; Avengers: Age of Ultron; Captain America: Civil War; Spider-Man: Homecoming; Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri; The Banshees of Inisherin; Unleashed; This Must Be the Place; Ned Kelly; Dom Hemingway; Bad Samaritan; Angela’s Ashes; In the Land of Saints and Sinners; The Last Station; Intermission; Dreamland; Gold; Rat; How Harry Became a Tree; BMT: Night Swim; Notes: She was nominated for an Oscar for Banshees of Inisherin. And also she voiced the new AI in all the Avengers films.)

Amélie Hoeferle – ( Known For: The Hunger Games: The Ballad of Songbirds & Snakes; BMT: Night Swim; Notes: The daughter. This is legit just her second feature film, she did shorts prior. None of her upcoming projects immediately ring a bell. She is German apparently.)

Budget/Gross – $15 million / Domestic: $32,494,740 (Worldwide: $54,768,317)

(That isn’t bad. As usual, horror films basically can’t lose money. This almost certainly made a return, although maybe not as much as they sometimes hope on these low budget films.)

Rotten Tomatoes – 20% (34/173): Despite a promising start and a handful of solid scares, Night Swim is undone by a premise that just isn’t strong enough to support a feature-length film.

(That makes sense since it is actually just a short extended to full length. I don’t think there are any good scares though.)

Reviewer Highlight: Condon’s fierce yet heartfelt performance and the underwater sequences keep Night Swim treading water, but the high concept novelty wears out its welcome quickly for seasoned horror fans who’ve seen this scenario play out so many times before. – Meagan Navarro, Bloody Disgusting

Poster – Night Sklog

(Nicely spooky and artsy. Wish the font tried a bit more with that watery effect. Can barely see it. Not bad, though. B+.)

Tagline(s) – Everything you fear is under the surface. (B+)

(It’s straining a little too much and is a little too long to warrant getting up into A range. I can see what they are doing. Under the surface with the double meaning. Implication about the aspect of the plot. It’s clever, but they couldn’t quite get there.)

Keyword(s) – 1983-1991

Top 10: The Silence of the Lambs (1991), Back to the Future (1985), Goodfellas (1990), Terminator 2: Judgment Day (1991), Star Wars: Episode VI – Return of the Jedi (1983), Die Hard (1988), The Terminator (1984), Scarface (1983), Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade (1989), Full Metal Jacket (1987)

Future BMT: 72.7 Look Who’s Talking Too (1990), 72.5 Teen Wolf Too (1987), 67.9 Smokey and the Bandit Part 3 (1983), 61.1 Staying Alive (1983), 59.1 Suburban Commando (1991), 57.7 The NeverEnding Story II: The Next Chapter (1990), 57.6 Ghost Dad (1990), 56.7 The Karate Kid Part III (1989), 55.1 Who’s That Girl (1987), 54.8 Curse of the Pink Panther (1983), 53.5 Graffiti Bridge (1990), 52.5 Johnny Be Good (1988), 52.5 Porky’s II: The Next Day (1983), 52.4 Porky’s Revenge (1985), 52.2 Revenge of the Nerds II: Nerds in Paradise (1987), 51.8 Police Academy 3: Back in Training (1986), 49.3 King Solomon’s Mines (1985), 48.7 Hercules (1983), 48.6 Delta Force 2: The Colombian Connection (1990), 48.6 My Stepmother Is an Alien (1988)

BMT: Jaws: The Revenge (1987), Superman IV: The Quest for Peace (1987), Troll 2 (1990), Jaws 3-D (1983), Highlander II: The Quickening (1991), Going Overboard (1989), Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan (1989), Police Academy 6: City Under Siege (1989), Mac and Me (1988), Caddyshack II (1988), Police Academy 5: Assignment: Miami Beach (1988), Freddy’s Dead: The Final Nightmare (1991), Howard the Duck (1986), Supergirl (1984), Cool as Ice (1991), Friday the 13th: A New Beginning (1985), The Garbage Pail Kids Movie (1987), Leonard Part 6 (1987), Halloween 5: The Revenge of Michael Myers (1989), Superman III (1983), Poltergeist III (1988), A Nightmare on Elm Street: The Dream Child (1989), Police Academy 4: Citizens on Patrol (1987), Wild Orchid (1989), Cyborg (1989), Problem Child 2 (1991), Rhinestone (1984), Red Sonja (1985), Troll (1986), Bolero (1984), …

(This is a hold over from Transylvania 6-5000. We didn’t have a true way to transition from the mid 80s to now, so we have to do a biCycle of sorts.)

Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 23) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Wyatt Russell is No. 1 billed in Night Swim and No. 7 billed in Table 19, which also stars Anna Kendrick (No. 1 billed) who is in What to Expect When You’re Expecting (No. 3 billed) which also stars Jennifer Lopez (No. 1 billed) who is in Gigli (No. 2 billed) which also stars Ben Affleck (No. 1 billed) who is in Pearl Harbor (No. 1 billed) which also stars Josh Hartnett (No. 3 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 3 billed) => (1 + 7) + (1 + 3) + (1 + 2) + (1 + 1) + (3 + 3) = 23. If we were to watch Jack, and The Glass House we can get the HoE Number down to 23.

Notes – The real life house location used for the family home on screen doesn’t actually fully connect to the garage, so the pool can be seen from the front yard. A facade was added to make it look like one full structure and to block the pool from the view in the front of the house.

The school that the kids attend is named Harold Holt. Holt was an Australian Prime Minister who was an avid swimmer and disappeared, and presumably died, while swimming in the ocean.

In 2018, director Rod Blackhurst and writer Bryce McGuire sold a feature length adaptation of their short film Night Swim (2014) about a woman terrorized in her pool by an evil spirit to James Wan’s Atomic Monster. McGuire is set to direct.

Wyatt Russell’s dad, Kurt Russell, was actually a very good minor league baseball player and would have made the MLB if it were not for an injury.

Transylvania 6-5000 Preview

Transylvania 6-5000 (1985) – BMeTric: 47.3; Notability: 29

StreetCreditReport.com – BMeTric: top 2.4%; Notability: top 12.8%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 9.8%; Higher BMeT: Friday the 13th: A New Beginning, Howling II: … Your Sister Is a Werewolf, Red Sonja, Porky’s Revenge, King Solomon’s Mines, Perfect; Higher Notability: A View to a Kill, Spies Like Us, My Science Project, King David, Maxie, National Lampoon’s European Vacation, Santa Claus, Perfect, Rocky IV, Brewster’s Millions, Head Office, Police Academy 2: Their First Assignment, Invasion U.S.A., Turk 182, Death Wish 3, Baby: Secret of the Lost Legend, The Slugger’s Wife, Heaven Help Us, Godzilla 1985, Creator, and 12 more; Lower RT: American Ninja, That Was Then… This Is Now, Head Office, Rainbow Brite and the Star Stealer, The Slugger’s Wife, Maxie, Baby: Secret of the Lost Legend, King Solomon’s Mines, King David, Once Bitten, My Science Project, Private Resort, Fever Pitch, Death Wish 3, Summer Rental, Tuff Turf, Gymkata, Rustlers’ Rhapsody, Perfect, Friday the 13th: A New Beginning, and 2 more; Notes: I’m continually a little amazed when I realize we still have such big movies left. Howling II, Porky’s Revenge, King Solomon’s Mines. These are bad movie classics when you are in the know. We’ve watched a crazy number of bad movies, but the job never ends.

New York Times – The actors in ”Transylvania 6-5000,” which opens today at Loew’s State and other theaters, seem to have the impression that they are doing something funny, though where they got that idea is anybody’s guess. It cannot have come from the screenplay, which was written by Rudy DeLuca, who also directed the film, as a series of utterly listless comic setups. It’s not that Mr. DeLuca has done anything wrong, exactly; it’s simply that he never does anything right. There’s no reason for this material to be funny, so, not surprisingly, it never is.

(I mean … fucking nailed it. It is true, it is basically an improv troupe where nothing is working quite like you’d expect despite the setups being there.)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ulPZNXkpa5s/

(It’s cute. The movie is aggravating, but the trailer is actually like not that bad. In that it is taking the best part of the film and delivering in small doses like it is intended. Like it looks like it might work … rest assured it does not.)

Directors – Rudy De Luca – ( BMT: Transylvania 6-5000; Notes: He was an actor in a bunch of Mel Brooks films as well, including playing Vinnie in Spaceballs.)

Writers – Rudy De Luca – ( Known For: High Anxiety; Silent Movie; Caveman; Box Office 3D: The Filmest of Films; Screw Loose; The Good Bad Guy; Future BMT: Dracula: Dead and Loving It; Life Stinks; BMT: Transylvania 6-5000; Notes: He won two Emmy for writing on the Carol Burnett Show. Eventually he also did a bunch of variety shows as well.)

Actors – Jeff Goldblum – ( Known For: Jurassic Park; The Grand Budapest Hotel; Thor: Ragnarok; Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2; Independence Day; The Lost World: Jurassic Park; Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom; Annie Hall; The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou; The Fly; Isle of Dogs; The Prince of Egypt; Asteroid City; The Switch; Morning Glory; Invasion of the Body Snatchers; The Player; The Right Stuff; Cats & Dogs; Wicked; Future BMT: Man of the Year; Holy Man; Hideaway; Vibes; BMT: Jurassic World Dominion; Independence Day: Resurgence; Mortdecai; Nine Months; Transylvania 6-5000; Mad Dog Time; Notes: Nominated for a short Oscar in 1996. These days he manages to be notable as being the weirdest and wildest part of the Wicked films.)

Joseph Bologna – ( Known For: Ice Age: The Meltdown; My Favorite Year; The Big Bus; Alligator II: The Mutation; Coupe de Ville; Jersey Girl; Love Is All There Is; Chapter Two; Boynton Beach Club; Cops and Robbers; Tango Shalom; Made for Each Other; Mixed Company; Heaven Before I Die; Future BMT: Big Daddy; The Woman in Red; BMT: Blame It on Rio; Transylvania 6-5000; Notes: Nominated for an Oscar for writing Lovers and Other Strangers in 1971. He died of cancer in 2017.)

Ed Begley Jr. – ( Known For: Pineapple Express; Ghostbusters; This Is Spinal Tap; Whatever Works; Best in Show; An Officer and a Gentleman; Book Club; Strange Darling; A Mighty Wind; You’re Not You; Lucky; Streets of Fire; Cat People; Get Over It; She-Devil; The Accidental Tourist; Plus One; For Your Consideration; Auto Focus; Hardcore; Future BMT: What’s Your Number?; The Pagemaster; Renaissance Man; Greedy; Protocol; Fly Me to the Moon 3D; Young Doctors in Love; BMT: Batman Forever; Amsterdam; CHIPS; Transylvania 6-5000; Notes: Nominated for 7 Emmys, 6 times for St. Elsewhere. He never won. His role in Hardcore is insane, and the son of Ed Begley who won an Oscar for Sweet Bird of Youth. I obviously know him as being in the later seasons of Veronica Mars, he was the president of the College she goes to.)

Budget/Gross – $3,000,000 / Domestic: $7,196,872 (Worldwide: $7,196,872)

(That is better than I would have expected I guess. The economics of mid-80s film is confusing because I doubt they made much on television of home video, but they probably got more from the theaters as well. Seems like a break even.)

Rotten Tomatoes – 20% (2/10)

(There is really only one review here and the gist is: This might be the worst horror-comedy you’ll ever see. The guy ain’t wrong … although things like Dylan Dog exist so who knows.)

New York Times Short Review: Strained Frankenstein spoof. Forget it.

Poster – Sklogsylvania 69-6969, Nice

(A great classic poster style. What’s funny is that by today’s standards this doesn’t work. Too much going on. Nothing to anchor to. Like reading a book rather than an advertisement. But if a modern movie made an alternate poster in this style it would be fun. B.)

Tagline(s) – WANTED: Two thrill-seeking reporters, brains optional, looking to dig up the story of the century. For information call… (F)

(We were in that transition period where posters were changing. Taglines were changing. A (bad) relic from that bygone era.)

Keyword(s) – 1983-1991

(There isn’t really a sub-genre here, so I didn’t include it. We were just looking for a good 80s film to pair with Night Swim, and this came up as one to do.)

Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 19) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Jeff Goldblum is No. 1 billed in Transylvania 6-5000 and No. 3 billed in Trigger Happy, which also stars Burt Reynolds (No. 6 billed) who is in In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale (No. 5 billed) which also stars Leelee Sobieski (No. 3 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 1 billed) => (1 + 3) + (6 + 5) + (3 + 1) = 19. If we were to watch Paranoia we can get the HoE Number down to 13.

Notes – The movie was financed by the Dow chemical company in order to spend frozen finances (money that could not be spent outside the country of origin) that the company had in Yugoslavia.

Jeff Goldblum recommended Ed Begley Jr. to the director for the role of Gil Turner and Begley recommended Michael Richards for the role of Fejos.

Much of the scene between John Byner and Carol Kane preparing the lunch was improvised. The script’s only direction was ‘cut fruit and serve’.

The little girl playing Elizabeth’s daughter, Sara Grdjan, was a locally cast Croat who spoke no English. She had to be taught to speak her lines phonetically.

The director saw 40 women for the role of Odette. They liked Geena Davis and when she pulled off a compelling Bela Lugosi accent, they knew they had their Odette.

From the Hip Preview

“In my dream (a rather small dream now that I recall it) we are running through a forest. It’s a forest of lies, but also those lies/trees are birch trees… We are just like swinging around dem birches, right? Swinging all over the place and it feels pretty damn good. Then we swing on up to the top of a hill and we are smooching… hard. We make out for a while. This is actually most of my dream. It was in actuality a large dream just in terms of duration, but small if you write out the plot or recount it like I’m doing now. Because you can just say ‘and then we smooched… hard’ and that covers like 95% of the dream. Anyway, once we are done smooching you turn your head away in anguish. I try to pull you back to the birch trees so we can swing around a bunch more, but you say you can’t. You cradle your elbow and say that you’ve been trying to tell me something but I never listen. Then you begin to tell me what has been bothering you, but at this point I’m remembering swinging around in the birch trees and smooching and then I’m like ‘woah, am I daydreaming within this dream?’ and you’d think that by acknowledging the dream that it would end, right? But no. When I stop daydreaming you are looking peeved and say ‘Perhaps this will make you listen.’ When I look down you’ve pulled a tiny gun from your hip pocket. It’s so tiny that I actually start to laugh, but then you shoot! You shoot me with the little gun! And I wake up!” Jamie stands staring back at Samantha, appearing rather pleased with himself. Samantha is bewildered. That’s right! That connection was a bit of a stretch, but we are watching the Judd Nelson vehicle that everyone remembers, From the Hip… yup, that movie that you can just imagine because you remember it so well. As for the Friend, we are pairing that with a classic of the genre in Surf Nazis Must Die. We saw this for the first time in high school, but not since. Interested in how it holds up all these years later. Let’s go!

From the Hip (1987) – BMeTric: 13.1; Notability: 26

StreetCreditReport.com – BMeTric: top 17.6%; Notability: top 12.8%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 16.6%; Higher BMeT: Jaws: The Revenge, Superman IV: The Quest for Peace, Teen Wolf Too, The Garbage Pail Kids Movie, Leonard Part 6, Silent Night, Deadly Night Part 2, Police Academy 4: Citizens on Patrol, Surf Nazis Must Die, Who’s That Girl, Revenge of the Nerds II: Nerds in Paradise, Masters of the Universe, Ghoulies II, Return to Horror High, House II: The Second Story, Death Wish 4: The Crackdown, Hard Ticket to Hawaii, Over the Top, Burglar, Cherry 2000, Flowers in the Attic, and 24 more; Higher Notability: Superman IV: The Quest for Peace, Masters of the Universe, Who’s That Girl, Police Academy 4: Citizens on Patrol, Jaws: The Revenge, Fatal Beauty, Leonard Part 6, Cherry 2000, Blind Date, Burglar, Over the Top, The Sicilian, House II: The Second Story, My Demon Lover, Death Wish 4: The Crackdown, The Believers, Revenge of the Nerds II: Nerds in Paradise, Hot Pursuit, Slam Dance, Rent-a-Cop, and 12 more; Lower RT: Police Academy 4: Citizens on Patrol, The Garbage Pail Kids Movie, Hot Pursuit, Return to Horror High, Rent-a-Cop, My Demon Lover, The Allnighter, Jaws: The Revenge, Leonard Part 6, Revenge of the Nerds II: Nerds in Paradise, House II: The Second Story, Teen Wolf Too, Hello Again, Superman IV: The Quest for Peace, The Sicilian, Ghoulies II, Russkies, The Squeeze, Surf Nazis Must Die, Siesta, and 19 more; Notes: I’m actually a little surprised this only played 13 times on cable in the 90s, this seems perfect for filling up a random cinemax slot. We’ve watched 6 of the top 10 for 1987, and I’m going to guess Teen Wolf Too has an insane number of cable plays (74! I knew it, that movie was on all the time). Surf Nazis Must Die played 16 times, more than From the Hip! I only knew of it because for some reason my brother knew enough about it to rent it for a bad movie night.

RogerEbert.com – 2.5 stars – I have a notion that a lot of moviegoers in Nelson’s generation will respond to his performance. There’s so much insecurity around right now, so much desperate competition for success, that the notion of a rebel inside corporate America is curiously attractive. If I am right and if our society is poised once again on the brink of a rerun of the 1960s, if Reagan is our Eisenhower, if the campuses are primed to revolt, then “From the Hip” is “The Graduate” of 1987. If I’m wrong, of course, it’s just a very silly movie. Somehow I think I’m wrong.

(This seems to be a trend in some of the reviews of the film: that yeah, people liked Nelson’s performance in this. The film is more fun than it has any right to be, quite similar to …And Justice for All.)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xPjkWFB4FwY/

(I must say the fact that this isn’t about someone who holds a dog bone in their mouth at any point is crazy considering the poster. I’ll also say … isn’t this the plot of And Just For All… more on that in the recap I suppose.)

Directors – Bob Clark – ( Known For: A Christmas Story; Black Christmas; Murder by Decree; Dead of Night; Children Shouldn’t Play with Dead Things; Blonde and Blonder; My Summer Story; Tribute; I’ll Remember April; Now & Forever; She-Man: A Story of Fixation; Breaking Point; Future BMT: Porky’s; Porky’s II: The Next Day; Loose Cannons; Turk 182; BMT: Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2; Baby Geniuses; Rhinestone; From the Hip; Notes: Him slipping into kids films and then his career exploding after Baby Geniuses is something else indeed. We have to do Porky’s at some point, maybe I’ll buy it on VHS.)

Writers – Bob Clark – ( Known For: A Christmas Story; Children Shouldn’t Play with Dead Things; My Summer Story; She-Man: A Story of Fixation; Future BMT: Porky’s; Porky’s II: The Next Day; Porky’s Revenge; Loose Cannons; BMT: Baby Geniuses; From the Hip; Notes: He died in 2007. Apparently he is one of only two directors who had a movie on both the Loved and Hated lists by Ebert (the other was Reiner).)

David E. Kelley – ( Known For: Lake Placid; Future BMT: Mystery, Alaska; To Gillian on Her 37th Birthday; BMT: From the Hip; Notes: One of the big names in television still to this day. He’s been nominated for 25 Emmys, and won 11, variously for Big Little Lies, Ally McBeal, The Practice, Picket Fences, and L.A. Law. Is this movie a proto-L.A. Law? L.A. Law started in 1986, but this script may have existed for a while prior to that.)

Actors – Judd Nelson – ( Known For: The Breakfast Club; Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back; The Boondock Saints II: All Saints Day; St. Elmo’s Fire; The Transformers: The Movie; New Jack City; Billionaire Boys Club; Nurse; Fandango; Have a Good Trip; Brats; The Dark Backward; Bad Kids Go to Hell; Madness in the Method; Never on Tuesday; Relentless; Making the Grade; The Freediver; Netherbeast Incorporated; Hail Caesar; Future BMT: Airheads; Light It Up; BMT: Steel; From the Hip; Blue City; Notes: Y’all know Judd. His post-Brat Pack career is weird. I am very very excited to eventually watch Airheads again though, it is a very fun and genuinely good movie.)

Elizabeth Perkins – ( Known For: Finding Nemo; Spider-Man: Across the Spider-Verse; Ghostbusters; Big; Cats & Dogs; Miracle on 34th Street; Speak; About Last Night; Fierce People; Avalon; Try Seventeen; Indian Summer; The Doctor; My Little Pony: A New Generation; Jiminy Glick in Lalawood; The Thing About My Folks; Love at Large; Sweet Hearts Dance; Enid Is Sleeping; I’m Losing You; Future BMT: 28 Days; Hop; Must Love Dogs; Crazy in Alabama; He Said, She Said; Moonlight and Valentino; Kids in America; BMT: The Ring Two; The Flintstones; From the Hip; Notes: Man, she was huge back in the day. I got very confused for a second about who she was in Ghostbusters, but that is the 2016 Ghostbusters. Nominated for 3 Emmys for Weeds.)

John Hurt – ( Known For: V for Vendetta; Alien; Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2; Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone; Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 1; Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull; Snowpiercer; Hellboy; Contact; Hellboy II: The Golden Army; Perfume: The Story of a Murderer; The Elephant Man; Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy; Spaceballs; Melancholia; Immortals; Hercules; Dogville; Only Lovers Left Alive; Dead Man; Future BMT: The Skeleton Key; Valiant; Thumbelina; King Ralph; Lost Souls; Partners; Jake Speed; BMT: Captain Corelli’s Mandolin; Wild Bill; From the Hip; Notes: Nominated for two Oscars for The Elephant Man, and Midnight Express. I still need to watch Midnight Express. I read the book and it was just on the wrong side of depressing so I needed some time to process before watching the movie.)

Budget/Gross – $9 million / Domestic: $9,518,342 (Worldwide: $9,518,342)

(Not what you want. I wonder how much of the budget went into some of the location shoots. The locations in this film are quite fun, but probably cost a bit to film at.)

Rotten Tomatoes – 30% (7/23): From the Hip finds Judd Nelson flexing previously unseen acting muscles, but this legal comedy is too grating to pass the bar.

(Too grating?! I guess I can see it, but that is the point. Again, it isn’t that much different than …And Justice For All where the main character is defending a monster and has to vaguely figure out how to get out of the situation deftly.)

New York Times Description: A showoff rookie lawyer in Boston.

Poster – Dog Lawyer

(You may not remember this film, but this is a very well known poster in my head. It’s such an F- it comes all the way around and is an A+. What a disaster. Who made this?)

Tagline(s) – Getting To The Top Means Working Like A Dog! (F)

The way he practices law should be a crime (A-)

(The first makes no sense and yet they turned around and made it the basis of the whole thing. The second one is actually not bad. Just needs to be a little tighter.)

Keyword(s) – 1983-1991

Best Options (Flintstones): 57.6 Ghost Dad (1990), 54.8 Curse of the Pink Panther (1983), 48.6 My Stepmother Is an Alien (1988), 44.8 King Ralph (1991), 42.0 Club Paradise (1986), 41.6 Loose Cannons (1990), 41.0 Death Wish 4: The Crackdown (1987), 37.9 Invaders from Mars (1986), 36.5 Burglar (1987), 34.0 Hero and the Terror (1988), 31.0 Jetsons: The Movie (1990), 29.0 He Said, She Said (1991), 28.4 The Presidio (1988), 27.2 Flight of the Intruder (1991), 26.0 Bad Dreams (1988), 24.6 The Survivors (1983), 24.5 Sunset (1988), 21.6 Dead Heat (1988), 20.6 Spies Like Us (1985), 20.3 Strictly Business (1991), 18.9 Head Office (1985), 17.9 Brewster’s Millions (1985), 17.7 Skin Deep (1989), 15.9 Worth Winning (1989), 13.6 Stella (1990), 13.0 From the Hip (1987)

(Ha! Well, what you didn’t know is that we needed to do From the Hip in order to chain up into 2024. These days bad movies are at such a premium they pretty much dictate any and all chain films for the back half of the year.)

Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 15) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: John Hurt is No. 3 billed in From the Hip and No. 3 billed in Captain Corelli’s Mandolin, which also stars Nicolas Cage (No. 1 billed) who is in The Wicker Man (No. 1 billed) which also stars Leelee Sobieski (No. 6 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 1 billed) => (3 + 3) + (1 + 1) + (6 + 1) = 15. If we were to watch Must Love Dogs, and The Glass House we can get the HoE Number down to 10.

Notes – At his son’s elementary school, writer-produce-director Bob Clark offered a silent auction prize allowing the winner to go to Charlotte in North Carolina and go behind the scenes during the filming of this movie. After friends of the family won the auction, Clark allowed the entire family to be extras / background artists in a scene rather than just observers.

TV producer Steven Bochco hired writer David E. Kelley to write for his television series L.A. Law (1986) after reading this script.

Star Judd Nelson was Razzie Award nominated for this movie in the category of Worst Actor at the 1988 Golden Raspberry Awards but lost out Bill Cosby for Leonard Part 6 (1987).

Attorney David E. Kelley showed his spec screenplay to his law firm’s client, Indian Neck Productions, who optioned it and then recruited the film’s director Bob Clark.

This legal courtroom comedy drama was written by David E. Kelley who was actually a law attorney in Boston, Massachusetts, USA.

Awards – Nominee for the Razzie Award for Worst Actor (Judd Nelson)

Dream a Little Dream Preview

Plain Jane is back, Jack! Third time’s a charm, but is it third time’s a… love?! Who would have thought that Plain Jane Never-Been-Kissed would have two dreamboat guys fighting over her? Not this girl, that’s who. Alejandro has shown up in the Big Apple professing his love for Holly and Brad has returned from Aspen even more in love with Jane than ever. Eeeeeek! If only she could be both Jane and Holly at the same time! Brain Blitz! What if she can? Her grandmother always said be careful what she wished for, particularly when using a monkey’s paw. Down goes a finger and… oops! Turns out when she wished that Jane and Holly would exist at the same time it meant that she would remain Plain Jane, but *gulp* Brad would become possessed by Holly Ween. It’s a sass attack as Holly Brad takes NYC by storm. Now she has to reveal her true identity to Alejandro in order to recruit him to help. He’s hurt. Doesn’t he know that he loved her for what was on the inside? But also, as he takes her glasses off, he mentions that her beauty on the outside doesn’t hurt either. Who? Little ol’ her? Jane and Alejandro are quite the power couple as they power their way into the hottest club in NYC and win a dance off against Holly Brad. Turns out out-dancing Holly Ween’s spirit is the only way to defeat her and the monkey’s paw closes again. Alejandro goes in for the kiss but Plain Jane turns him away. She can’t… because she’s dying. Brad and Alejandro gasp. Turns out they’re dying too.

“You get it?” Samantha says. “Let me see if I do,” Jamie says and begins to recount a dream he had. We’re recounting a little dream we had this week. The dream of watching Dream a Little Dream starring the Corey’s. Boy that sounds like a rough time. Hope we have a nice palate cleanser for our Friend this week. Ghosts Can’t Do It starring Bo Derek! Welp… it’s a hard job, but someone has to do it. Let’s go!

Dream a Little Dream (1989) – BMeTric: 29.8; Notability: 25

StreetCreditReport.com – BMeTric: top 10.4%; Notability: top 20.8%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 4.5%; Higher BMeT: Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan, Police Academy 6: City Under Siege, Halloween 5: The Revenge of Michael Myers, A Nightmare on Elm Street: The Dream Child, Wild Orchid, Cyborg, The Fly II, The Karate Kid Part III, No Holds Barred, Cutting Class, Star Trek V: The Final Frontier, Sleepaway Camp III: Teenage Wasteland, DeepStar Six, The Toxic Avenger Part II, Shocker, Pink Cadillac, The Punisher, Speed Zone, House III: The Horror Show, The January Man, and 6 more; Higher Notability: Tango & Cash, Star Trek V: The Final Frontier, Troop Beverly Hills, Lock Up, A Nightmare on Elm Street: The Dream Child, The Karate Kid Part III, Harlem Nights, See No Evil, Hear No Evil, Fletch Lives, Leviathan, Three Fugitives, Listen to Me, Pink Cadillac, Family Business, Millennium, Dead Bang, Police Academy 6: City Under Siege, The Punisher, Let It Ride, Renegades, and 32 more; Lower RT: Police Academy 6: City Under Siege, The Toxic Avenger Part II, House III: The Horror Show, Kinjite: Forbidden Subjects, Speed Zone, Homer and Eddie, Worth Winning, Elves, Second Sight, Night Game, Wired; Notes: Played 42 times, and we’ve actually seen 8 of the top 10 BMeT films for 1989 which is pretty great. We really need to get on The Karate Kid III. I keep forgetting there was a sequel to this film (also starring Feldman) and that played an insane 45 times on television. Ghosts Can’t Do It played 23 times, including, amazingly, premiering on Cinemax on July 23rd 1991 in the primetime slot, wowza.

RogerEbert.com – 0.5 stars – So there I was, watching this TV commercial for “Dream a Little Dream,” when suddenly a light bulb went on over my head, and I said, “Hold on a minute,” because the commercial shows Corey Feldman as a kid named Bobby who has all these problems in school, you know, and like he’s in love with this girl but she’s dating the toughest kid in the class and so, like wow, what is Bobby gonna do? After I saw this commercial, what I wanted to know was: What happened to Jason Robards? What the commercial doesn’t tell you is that this kid named Bobby is not really a 16-year-old at all. He has a teenager’s body, sure, but inside his head, he is occupied by Jason Robards. … “Dream a Little Dream” is an aggressively unwatchable movie.

(Roger Ebert really channelling the Bad Movie Twins style of writing for a second there. It does make me think we have a voice here … it isn’t an intelligent or good voice, but it is something that someone somewhere would go like “huh” to, you know?)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RWIlihA-DBo/

(My god the music. Watching all these trailers makes me realize just how insane the music in trailers often are. My god, this is a body swap film?! What the hell?)

Directors – Marc Rocco – ( Known For: Murder in the First; Where the Day Takes You; Scenes from the Goldmine; BMT: Dream a Little Dream; Notes: Somehow Murder in the First was his last directorial effort. I remember that film being at least not-bad. He produced a bunch after, including The Jacket.)

Writers – Daniel Jay Franklin – ( BMT: Dream a Little Dream; Notes: Literally this is it. He wrote a single episode of Knots Landing, and then got a character credit for the sequel.)

Marc Rocco – ( Known For: The Jacket; Where the Day Takes You; Scenes from the Goldmine; BMT: Dream a Little Dream; Notes: Adopted son of the guy who played Salvator in The Wedding Planner … oh also the guy was in The Godfather, but The Wedding Planner seemed more appropriate to mention.)

Danny Eisenberg – ( BMT: Dream a Little Dream; Notes: Seems to be a collaborator with Rocco since he also wrote (and composed for?) Scenes from the Goldmine.)

Actors – Corey Feldman – ( Known For: Stand by Me; The Goonies; Gremlins; The Lost Boys; Maverick; Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles; The Fox and the Hound; The ‘Burbs; Time After Time; Citizen Toxie: The Toxic Avenger IV; Corbin Nash; Pauly Shore Is Dead; My Date with Drew; Kid 90; Comic-Con Episode IV: A Fan’s Hope; Porn Star: The Legend of Ron Jeremy; Meatballs 4; An Open Secret; 13 Fanboy; Rock ‘n’ Roll High School Forever; Future BMT: Loaded Weapon 1; License to Drive; Bordello of Blood; Dickie Roberts: Former Child Star; BMT: Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter; Friday the 13th: A New Beginning; Friday the 13th: The New Blood; Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III; Dream a Little Dream; Notes: For real, for this film he readily admits he was in his “Michael Jackson” phase. He had vaguely learned to dance like Michael, and he dressed like him, but he basically couldn’t sing, but at the time that didn’t seem to be of concern to Feldman who straight mimics Jackson throughout this film. He looks ridiculous.)

Jason Robards – ( Known For: Once Upon a Time in the West; Magnolia; Enemy of the State; Philadelphia; All the President’s Men; Crimson Tide; Parenthood; Tora! Tora! Tora!; Quick Change; Pat Garrett & Billy the Kid; A Boy and His Dog; Johnny Got His Gun; The Paper; My Best Fiend; Something Wicked This Way Comes; The Ballad of Cable Hogue; Julia; Beloved; The Adventures of Huck Finn; Bright Lights, Big City; Future BMT: Little Big League; BMT: Dream a Little Dream; A Thousand Acres; Notes: You know, I’m reading King Lear now, and I think I might have to reassess A Thousand Acres at some point. I remember finding it nuts at the time, but it is a weird take on King Lear which maybe I could understand better. He won two Oscars, for All the President’s Men and Julia, and was nominated for Melvin and Howard.)

Corey Haim – ( Known For: The Lost Boys; Silver Bullet; Lucas; Murphy’s Romance; Watchers; Prayer of the Rollerboys; An Open Secret; Dream Machine; Oh, What a Night; My Truth: The Rape of Two Coreys; New Terminal Hotel; Shark City; Never Too Late; Future BMT: License to Drive; Dickie Roberts: Former Child Star; Secret Admirer; Firstborn; BMT: Batman & Robin; Crank: High Voltage; Dream a Little Dream; Notes: Apparently he was added very late in the game as a request by Feldman (who seemed to take over production to some degree), and then Haim broke his leg, and they just wrote into the script that he walks with a cane. It is nuts.)

Budget/Gross – N/A / Domestic: $5,552,441 (Worldwide: $5,552,441)

(It is honestly astonishing this made any money. It is crazy that it was released to theaters. The film is so so so so weird. One of the weirdest BMTs in history and that’s saying something.)

Rotten Tomatoes – 9% (1/11)

(The consensus here is actually very straightforward: this movie is completely incoherent. Audiences will be left in a daze after wondering what the hell they just saw.)

New York Times Description: Routine high school slick cloaked in foggy folderol about dreams and incarnation.

Poster – Sklog a Little Sklog

(This is actually hurting my eyes a little. At least the font has a bit of vim and vigor. C-.)

Tagline(s) – With dreams like these who needs reality? (D+)

(I don’t… I’m not sure I understand. With dreams like these… who needs reality? You sure about that one? A classic, this sounds like a tagline but I assure you it isn’t a tagline.)

Keyword(s) – 1983-1991

Best Options (Romance): 72.7 Look Who’s Talking Too (1990), 61.1 Staying Alive (1983), 55.1 Who’s That Girl (1987), 47.2 Big Top Pee-wee (1988), 44.8 American Ninja (1985), 44.8 King Ralph (1991), 38.6 Stroker Ace (1983), 38.2 The Butcher’s Wife (1991), 35.3 Spring Break (1983), 33.6 Career Opportunities (1991), 32.0 The Forbidden Dance (1990), 31.5 Jumpin’ Jack Flash (1986), 30.5 The Woman in Red (1984), 30.0 High Spirits (1988), 29.8 Dream a Little Dream (1989), …

(We mostly did this for the year if I recall. But is is one of those wild films that is completely off the wall inexplicable, so it isn’t like we were struggling with the decision. It is the best 1989 Romance film we could find regardless.)

Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 18) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Jason Robards is No. 1 billed in Dream a Little Dream and No. 3 billed in A Thousand Acres, which also stars Michelle Pfeiffer (No. 1 billed) who is in New Year’s Eve (No. 3 billed) which also stars Robert De Niro (No. 2 billed) who is in Righteous Kill (No. 1 billed) which also stars Al Pacino (No. 2 billed) who is in 88 Minutes (No. 1 billed) which also stars Leelee Sobieski (No. 3 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 1 billed) => (1 + 3) + (1 + 3) + (2 + 1) + (2 + 1) + (3 + 1) = 18. If we were to watch License to Drive we can get the HoE Number down to 14.

Notes – Four days before filming, Corey Haim broke his leg and Dinger’s character had to be rewritten to include the injury. While his actual cast was removed during filming, he had to wear a fake one for the remainder of the production. In the movie Dinger says that his mother hit him with her car. In real life, Haim broke his leg while trying to teach his mom how to ride a motorbike. She couldn’t use the brakes well yet, and ran into the side of a building, breaking her nose and Corey’s leg.

On the wall of Bobby’s room a poster for the movie “The Lost Boys (1987)” can be seen. Corey Feldman and Corey Haim both starred in “The Lost Boys”.

At the time of filming the two Coreys were both addicted to drugs such as cocaine, as well as Feldman using heroin at the time and having an obsession with Michael Jackson. He included Jackson style type moves in the dance sequence involving Lainie in the gym.

This film re-teams frequent co-stars Corey Feldman and Corey Haim though originally only Feldman was cast in the film. When Lala Sloatman was cast as Shelley, she agreed to be in the film on the condition that her then-boyfriend Haim was also cast.

During a dream meeting between Bobby and Coleman, Bobby gives Coleman instructions to view Bobby’s home movies to learn how to act like a more believable Bobby. When the film cuts to Coleman selecting a VHS tape of one of Bobby’s birthdays, the audience can see a videotape on the shelf with Tora! Tora! Tora! (1970) marked on the label. Jason Robards, playing Coleman, also played General Walter C. Short in the 1970 WWII film.

Red Scorpion Preview

“Gosh damn, she’s fast,” Jamie says, resting his hands on his knees while he huffs and puffs, trying to catch his breath. Every time he catches a glimmer of her she’s off again in a blur like some Glimmer Man. Patrick and Kyle catch up to him, also breathing hard. “Gosh damn, she’s fast,” they both say simultaneously. They immediately launch into a detailed explanation of Lesson #5, but about halfway through they can see Jamie’s eye’s have glazed over like the eyes of a doll designed to look like it’s not listening. Patrick grabs him by the shoulders and shakes him hard. “Oh sorry,” Jamie says, “I wasn’t listening.” Suddenly he gasps, realizing in that moment everything that Jamie and Kyle had been going on about. Samantha had been trying to tell him something important this whole time but he wasn’t listening. The reason why their love is beautiful, but is perhaps doomed. A beautiful doomed love that is unique like a beautiful doomed snowflake. “You have to listen to her. But first you have to find her,” Patrick says and implores Jamie to think hard about where she might be. It’s hard though because Jamie probably wasn’t listening when she told him. “She did tell me a couple times that the Wall of Lovers made her sad because… I don’t know, but it was important I think,” he suggests. “I know a shortcut,” Patrick says and they are off like a shot. As they come out of the forest they see Sam heading for the Wall. Suddenly she stops running and drops to the ground in pain and grief. “What happened?” Jamie asks her when he is able to reach her side, concern etched on his face. “Was it a scorpion? Did you get stung by some scorpion?” That’s right! We are (finally) watching Red Scorpion starring Dolph Lundgren. Controversial in a different way (it violated anti-apartheid laws in its filming), we can’t seem to stop touching the third rail in our film choices. As for the friend, it’s time. Time to watch what Elliott Kalan of The Flop House claims is the worst film of all time. Slow Bullet. Let’s go!

Red Scorpion (1988) – BMeTric: 44.4; Notability: 27

StreetCreditReport.com – BMeTric: top 4.4%; Notability: top 15.6%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 8.0%; Higher BMeT: Mac and Me, Caddyshack II, Police Academy 5: Assignment: Miami Beach, Poltergeist III, Friday the 13th: The New Blood, Johnny Be Good, Alien from L.A., Arthur 2: On the Rocks, My Stepmother Is an Alien, Big Top Pee-wee, Cocoon: The Return; Higher Notability: Big Top Pee-wee, Sunset, Action Jackson, Cocoon: The Return, High Spirits, Caddyshack II, My Stepmother Is an Alien, Moving, The Couch Trip, Vibes, License to Drive, Cocktail, Arthur 2: On the Rocks, Hot to Trot, The Seventh Sign, Mac and Me, Police Academy 5: Assignment: Miami Beach, Fright Night Part 2, Bad Dreams, For Keeps?, and 19 more; Lower RT: Police Academy 5: Assignment: Miami Beach, Return of the Killer Tomatoes!, Johnny Be Good, Two Moon Junction, Watchers, Hero and the Terror, Hot to Trot, Fresh Horses, Illegally Yours, Caddyshack II, Return of the Living Dead II, Mac and Me, Cocktail, Dead Heat, Arthur 2: On the Rocks, Vibes, The Prince of Pennsylvania, Poltergeist III, The Seventh Sign, 976-EVIL; Notes: It is quite something that this played 34 times on television in the 90s. The sequel played 12 times (and has the confusing description of “a neo-Nazi businessman and his bald henchman” … what?), and our friend, Slow Bullet … well needless to say that never appeared on television … ever. We have seen 7 of the top ten BMeT films, with Johnny Be Good probably being the best next option.

New York Times – Chest Muscles in the Desert – Dolph Lundgren’s pectorals are the real stars of ”Red Scorpion,” an action-adventure movie set in the fictional African country of Mombaka. Filmed from below so that one has the sense of peering up at a massive kinetic sculpture, his glistening torso, which over the course of the film is subjected to assorted tortures, is the movie’s primary visual focus whenever the action slows down.

(The vast vast vast majority of this review was about Lundgren’s chest muscles and complete lack of dialogue. They aren’t wrong though.)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aFIAA9rSZpI/

(How is this not a straight to video film? It is insane that they actually tried to release this. Actually, strike that, read up on the production on this film and you’ll realize there was no way they weren’t going to release this film.)

Directors – Joseph Zito – ( Known For: The Prowler; Power Play; Bloodrage; Abduction; Future BMT: Missing in Action; Invasion U.S.A.; BMT: Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter; Red Scorpion; Notes: Wait … this guy also directed a Friday the 13th. We are on a role with that.)

Writers – Robert Abramoff and Jack Abramoff – ( Notes: I don’t really know where the info on these guys come from. Robert seems to be an actual producer, but never wrote anything but this.)

Arne Olsen – ( Known For: Distorted; Repeaters; Red Scorpion 2; Black Ice; Future BMT: Mighty Morphin Power Rangers; Cop & ½; All Dogs Go to Heaven 2; BMT: Red Scorpion; Notes: Man we’ll have to do those kids films at some point. We watched Mighty Morphin Power Rangers in theaters.)

Joseph Zito – ( Notes: Was apparently originally interested in producing the classic never-made film Doctor Strange in the 80s.)

Actors – Dolph Lundgren – ( Known For: Aquaman; The Expendables; The Expendables 2; Creed II; Hail, Caesar!; Minions: The Rise of Gru; Universal Soldier: Regeneration; The Punisher; Universal Soldier: Day of Reckoning; Showdown in Little Tokyo; Sly; Skin Trade; Small Apartments; Black Water; Joshua Tree; Electric Boogaloo: The Wild, Untold Story of Cannon Films; In the Name of the King: Two Worlds; Don’t Kill It; One in the Chamber; Men of War; Future BMT: Rocky IV; A View to a Kill; Aquaman and the Lost Kingdom; Dark Angel; BMT: The Expendables 3; Universal Soldier; Johnny Mnemonic; The Expendables 4; Masters of the Universe; Red Scorpion; Notes: What the what? But … Rocky IV doesn’t qualify. <Checks notes> They removed a good review?! HOW FUCKING DARE THEY. Seems like we got a new bonus film coming up. Oh yeah, Lundgren was a Chemical Engineer and kickboxing champion and then he turned to acting. He can barely speak English in this film.)

M. Emmet Walsh – ( Known For: Blade Runner; Knives Out; Romeo + Juliet; The Iron Giant; A Time to Kill; My Best Friend’s Wedding; Raising Arizona; Serpico; Midnight Cowboy; Blood Simple; Youth in Revolt; The Jerk; Calvary; Fletch; Ordinary People; Big Stan; Slap Shot; Escape from the Planet of the Apes; Critters; Harry and the Hendersons; Future BMT: The Odd Life of Timothy Green; Snow Dogs; Racing Stripes; Missing in Action; Wildcats; Camp Nowhere; The Best of Times; Cops and Robbersons; Sunset; Panther; BMT: Wild Wild West; Christmas with the Kranks; Random Hearts; Red Scorpion; Chairman of the Board; Notes: Aw hell yeah. We are going to smash Camp Nowhere someday, I promise you that.)

Al White – ( Known For: Back to the Future Part II; Airplane!; Airplane II: The Sequel; Leprechaun 2; Black Moon Rising; Big Trouble; Liberty & Bash; Future BMT: Russkies; BMT: Red Scorpion; Notes: Apparently something of a poet. He was the father who tries to shoot Marty McFly in Back to the Future II.)

Budget/Gross – N/A / Domestic: $4,192,440 (Worldwide: $4,192,440)

(Unclear, but that is probably fine. I doubt this cost a million to make at the time. But also why was this even really released to theaters?)

Rotten Tomatoes – 17% (2/12)

(I mean … the consensus is the same as the New York Times review: this film is really just about Lundgren’s big ol muscles.)

New York Times Description: Or, chest muscles in the African desert. Churning comic adventure.

Poster – CBS’s Scorpion

(I honestly can’t tell if this is amazing or an incomprehensible mess… maybe both. What is happening in this poster. It looks like I made it. Incomplete.)

Tagline(s) – They think they control him. Think again… (C)

(I have to ding this for lack of originality despite having some flow. It could be used for any number of films… it could have been the tagline for Spawn. You know? In traditional tagline scoring that’s a problem. Needs to connect to the film at hand.)

Keyword(s) – 1983-1991

Best Options (Action): 67.9 Smokey and the Bandit Part 3 (1983), 59.1 Suburban Commando (1991), 56.7 The Karate Kid Part III (1989), 49.3 King Solomon’s Mines (1985), 48.6 Delta Force 2: The Colombian Connection (1990), 45.4 DeepStar Six (1989), 44.8 American Ninja (1985), 44.7 Missing in Action (1984), 44.4 Red Scorpion (1989), …

(This is probably the best option. It seems like really there were just smaller bad ones left, the others (like Smokey and the Bandit) are really comedies or like sports movies.)

Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 11) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Dolph Lundgren is No. 1 billed in Red Scorpion and No. 4 billed in The Expendables 4, which also stars Jason Statham (No. 1 billed) who is in In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale (No. 1 billed) which also stars Leelee Sobieski (No. 3 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 1 billed) => (1 + 4) + (1 + 1) + (3 + 1) = 11. There is no shorter path at the moment.

Notes – The filmmakers used a real bushmen tribe and Regopstaan was their 95-year-old leader who only agreed to be in the movie if his tribe could follow him everywhere.

Dolph Lundgren performed some of the most dangerous stunts in his career, notably jumping from a moving motorcycle to a truck.

Original script had different opening scene than the film. It included Nikolai on a Spetznaz training exercise in snowy Moscow and it was supposed to be really big action sequence, but it was cut out of the script because of the budget and schedule reasons.

At one point, the cast and crew was left stuck in Johannesburg for three months while they waited for a new location to be found after they had prepped the production to be shot in Swaziland. The film was ultimately filmed in Namibia, which was then ruled by South Africa, thereby breaking an international boycott against the country for its practice of apartheid. Warner Bros., who had a negative pick up deal, pulled out from distribution.

Allegedly financed by the South African Defence Force through the International Freedom Foundation, a right-wing political think-tank which it funded. Red Scorpion (1988) co-writer/producer Jack Abramoff helped to run the foundation.

Borderlands Preview

“Oh, I didn’t really mean you should come over to set right now,” Kevin James says, rubbing his neck. He’s dressed as Barney Rubble opposite Sly Stallone’s Fred Flintstone in what seemed to be a film where Fred and Barney are transported to the present day. “So there aren’t any dinosaurs at all?” Kyle says in wonder, looking at the very normal looking suburban set. “No… it’s a fish-out-of-water story. Guys, really, It’s not a great time,” Kevin James says nervously and looks over at Sly’s trailer where a group of PA’s are knocking furiously at his door. “Aha, Sly is being Sly, I see,” Patrick says, rubbing his hands together. “Classic Sly.” Kevin James tries to distract them with the craft services table, pointing out the many ways in which sandwiches can be constructed. Kyle is more interested in a prop newspaper with the headline ‘Fred Flintstone Elected Mayor: Promises to Solve Town’s Water Treatment Issue,’ and a date of April 22nd, 1998. His head is spinning. Patrick is still distracted by Sly Stallone’s trailer. “You want me to talk to him?” He asks Kevin James, who tries to grab him by the arm. “I’m going to go talk to him,” Patrick says with a smirk and strolls up to the trailer, scattering PA’s in his wake. “Yo! Adrian!” Patrick yells at the trailer door and then turns back to Kevin James. “That’s just something we do. It’s fun,” he says, smirking even harder. “Stop! Or my mom will shoot!” Patrick continues and at that the trailer door slams open, smashing directly into Patrick’s face.

He wakes up in a desert landscape he recognizes. Strange people surround him. “Welcome to The Waste,” they say, but Patrick springs up immediately. “Nah, this is just the borders of my imagination.” That’s right! We are going Live! for the smash bomb of the year in Borderlands. This is the live action adaptation of the video game Borderlands, which I’ve never played and possibly never even seen a clip from. You think that will hinder or help my enjoyment here? Let’s go!

Borderlands (2024) – BMeTric: 68.3; Notability: 54

StreetCreditReport.com – BMeTric: top 0.4%; Notability: top 0.0%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 2.7%; Higher BMeT: Madame Web; Lower RT: Tyler Perry’s Divorce in the Black, The Painter, Wanted Man, Summer Camp, Megamind vs. The Doom Syndicate; Notes: Rare is it that we actually manage to hit at not one but two top BMT films of a year as Live entries. Madame Web and Borderlands were so astonishing they were inevitable and I’m quite glad we watched both in theaters as they were intended.

RogerEbert.com – 1 star – Roth, a director I’ve defended in the horror genre a few times, is remarkably inept at directing action. When the film bursts into gunfire, to call these sequences incoherent would be polite. I’m not sure if cinematographer Rogier Stoffers and/or editors Julian Clarke & Evan Henke deserve some of the blame, but the fight scenes are baffling in their construction. They’re cut in a way that makes it impossible to know the geography of an action scene, or really to care about what happens in them. It may sound picky, but a movie based on an action video game needs at least to provide visceral, escapist entertainment in the guns-and-punches department. There’s not a single memorable action beat in this movie. Not one.

(Yeah, also the film is cut to shit. It is clear that they had a film of film and just had to do something to get it out in a reasonably understandable form. Even if that meant janky voiceover where scenes you can SEE are from later in the film are shown out of order for no real reason. It is insane. It needs to be seen to be believed.)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Icnysn53neU/

(Oh jesus this trailer is so loud. I feel like I’ve seen this trailer a thousand times before. And none of those movies were good. I have no idea what they were thinking with this dumb movie.)

Directors – Eli Roth – ( Known For: Hostel; Grindhouse; Knock Knock; Hostel: Part II; Cabin Fever; Thanksgiving; The House with a Clock in Its Walls; Fin; Future BMT: The Green Inferno; BMT: Death Wish; Borderlands; Notes: Famously his role in Inglorious Basterds was supposed to be taken by Adam Sandler, which would have been pretty cool I think.)

Writers – Eli Roth – ( Known For: Hostel; Grindhouse; Knock Knock; Hostel: Part II; Cabin Fever; The Man with the Iron Fists; Thanksgiving; Aftershock; Cabin Fever; Future BMT: The Green Inferno; BMT: Borderlands; Notes: That is kind of amazing. Something tells me we aren’t getting to Green Inferno anytime soon. Honestly, Roth isn’t really my style in general.)

Joe Crombie – ( Notes: He genuinely seems to have a writing credit. He’s mostly credited as an editor.)

Actors – Cate Blanchett – ( Known For: The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring; The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King; The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers; The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey; Thor: Ragnarok; The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug; The Curious Case of Benjamin Button; Don’t Look Up; The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies; Hot Fuzz; Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull; The Aviator; Eyes Wide Shut; How to Train Your Dragon 2; Babel; Robin Hood; The Talented Mr. Ripley; Ocean’s Eight; Blue Jasmine; The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou; Future BMT: The Monuments Men; Elizabeth: The Golden Age; BMT: Borderlands; Notes: I do love looking deep into someone’s filmography and seeing those weirdo films people must have forgotten about (right?). Pushing Tin? Cate Blanchett was in Pushing Tin?)

Kevin Hart – ( Known For: The 40-Year-Old Virgin; Jumanji: Welcome to the Jungle; This Is the End; Jumanji: The Next Level; Fast & Furious Presents: Hobbs & Shaw; The Secret Life of Pets; Central Intelligence; The Five-Year Engagement; DC League of Super-Pets; The Secret Life of Pets 2; The Upside; The Man from Toronto; Death at a Funeral; Think Like a Man; Lift; Fatherhood; Me Time; Captain Underpants: The First Epic Movie; Top Five; About Last Night; Future BMT: Scary Movie 3; Get Hard; Along Came Polly; Scary Movie 4; Little Fockers; Superhero Movie; Drillbit Taylor; Night School; Meet Dave; Soul Plane; Think Like a Man Too; In the Mix; Not Easily Broken; Back on the Strip; BMT: Ride Along; Epic Movie; Fool’s Gold; The Wedding Ringer; Ride Along 2; Grudge Match; Borderlands; Notes: What do you think the chances are that any of the following upcoming projects actually happen: Monopoly, Ride Along 3, The Great Outdoors, Planes, Trains & Automobiles. I guess I could see Ride Along 3 (finally!), but the other ones feel unlikely.)

Edgar Ramírez – ( Known For: The Bourne Ultimatum; Zero Dark Thirty; Jungle Cruise; Bright; The Girl on the Train; Joy; Gold; Yes Day; Hands of Stone; The Last Days of American Crime; Wasp Network; Resistance; The Liberator; Furlough; Emilia Pérez; The Quietude; Saluda al diablo de mi parte; An Open Heart; A Dot and a Line; Cyrano Fernández; Future BMT: Vantage Point; The Counselor; Deliver Us from Evil; Domino; The 355; BMT: Wrath of the Titans; Point Break; Borderlands; Notes: From Venezuela. Who could forget his role in Point Break! Such a memorable role indeed.)

Budget/Gross – $110–120 million / Domestic: $15,460,525 (Worldwide: $30,951,794)

(Mein gott! But yeah, they filmed this film at least twice and there is abundant CGI, so obviously a $100 million film was inevitable. But you’d think if WB was onto something they would have eaten it to get tax breaks or something instead of releasing it at all.)

Rotten Tomatoes – 10% (15/154): Glitching out in every department, Borderlands is balderdash.

(Woooooooo, sub-10% films are so rare, i sure do hope it stays that low. And yep, although consensus which boils down to: this is incoherent nonsense.)

Reviewer Highlight: Like the original first-person shooter game, “Borderlands” is set on a junkyard planet named Pandora that was once a home base for an advanced alien species, but has since been overrun by violent marauders and women with formidable push-up bras. – Amy Nicholson, New York Times

Poster – Moreboredlands

(There is too much going on here and the font is terrible, but I kind of dig how weird the color of the title is.That neon yellow like color is very unusual. C-)

Tagline(s) – Chaos loves company. (B+)

(This is a classic BMT tagline. It’s following my rules very closely. Playing on a common phrase, short, and something to do with the film… ish. I actually like it. Just a little generic.)

Keyword(s) – 2024-2024

Top 10: Dune: Part Two (2024), Deadpool & Wolverine (2024), Furiosa: A Mad Max Saga (2024), Civil War (2024), Road House (2024), The Fall Guy (2024), The Beekeeper (2024), Inside Out 2 (2024), Kingdom of the Planet of the Apes (2024), Godzilla x Kong: The New Empire (2024)

Future BMT: 68.4 The American Society of Magical Negroes (2024), 65.9 Night Swim (2024), 64.2 The Strangers: Chapter 1 (2024), 62.9 Tarot (2024), 59.0 Imaginary (2024), 57.9 The Exorcism (2024), 48.0 The Crow (2024), 35.4 The Garfield Movie (2024), 19.8 Back to Black (2024), 16.0 Harold and the Purple Crayon (2024)

BMT: Madame Web (2024), Borderlands (2024), Argylle (2024), The Watchers (2024)

Best Options (wiki-video game): 65.7 Borderlands (2024)

(Video game films are fun. We actually basically have three left (Uncharted, Prince of Persia, and Street Fighter), a few Uwe Boll films (BloodRayne and House of the Dead), and the entire Resident Evil series. Then we are basically done. Throw in Ratchet & Clank because it features the dulcet tones of one Sylvester Stallone and we got a stew cooking.)

Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 16) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Kevin Hart is No. 2 billed in Borderlands and No. 5 billed in Grudge Match, which also stars Robert De Niro (No. 1 billed) who is in Righteous Kill (No. 1 billed) which also stars Al Pacino (No. 2 billed) who is in 88 Minutes (No. 1 billed) which also stars Leelee Sobieski (No. 3 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 1 billed) => (2 + 5) + (1 + 1) + (2 + 1) + (3 + 1) = 16. If we were to watch Elizabeth: The Golden Age we can get the HoE Number down to 12.

Notes – The movie was shot in the summer of 2021 and Eli Roth’s first director’s cut was reportedly finished in early 2022. However, it was shelved for over two years due to extreme studio interference while the film was in post-production. Appalled by the film’s extreme violence, the studio wanted the film to be marketed as a blockbuster and hired Tim Miller to do extensive reshoots on the project. These reshoots ended up comprising so much of the final movie that Steve Jablonsky had to write an entirely new musical score, as the original score by Nathan Barr no longer fit the film.

Eli Roth originally shot the movie with a planned hard R-rating, keeping in vein with the original game’s M-rating for mature audiences. However, last-minute rewrites, heavy edits, and reshoots from Tim Miller dialed the film back to a PG-13. This is only Roth’s second film to receive a rating other than R, after The House with a Clock in Its Walls (2018), which was PG.

Lilith’s main gun is called “Vladof Infinity” by Marcus, and in the video game, it is a legendary pistol with infinite ammo, which explains why she never runs out and never need to reload it.

Upon its release, the film debuted at an incredibly rare 0% on Rotten Tomatoes.

Tim Miller directed the re-shoots in Eli Roth’s place as Roth was preoccupied with Thanksgiving (2023), which also stars Gina Gershon.