Oh jeez, imagine this, I just got accused of being an alium spy and am to be killed immediately. No trial? No problem for this future hellscape! Well, good thing I escaped, although I did get bopped on the head by a guard and now can’t remember a thing (like whether I’m a spy or not …). Do you remember what happened in Imposter?
Pop Quiz Hot Shot!
1) It’s the future and the world is at war! With whom though?
2) And our hero is a heroic military weapons manufacturer … wait, that can’t be right (checks notes). Yeah, he’s a weapons manufacturer. Anyways, why did this heo join the military with only mass genocide of our enemies on his mind?
3) Well, boy is Vincent D’Ononfrio’s face red! Or, well, it will be once he realizes his terrible mistake in accusing this heroic hero of being a spy. But why does he think he’s a spy?
4) Yada yada yada, our boy is on the run and trying to prove that the spy is really the one armed man (or something like that, he’s a fugitive on the run). He gets some help from Mekhi Phifer. Why is he willing to help this spy, what is he getting in return?
5) Ah, well in the end who ends up being the imposter and spy?
Bonus Question: In the mid-credits sequence Sinese wakes up in a lab, strapped to a table. But how? And who else is there to greet him?
“You senseless idiot!” Patrick says in dismay. Kyle was their last chance to save the world. He had already come to the conclusion that the HoE dimension was so powerful that it would burn out any time machine that found its way there. Kyle’s story only confirmed it. Now they were all stuck here. “Well that’s OK, Patrick, it’s really not so bad here. Unexpectedly pleasant in fact,” Kyle says, sharing a sweet moment with his beloved Rachel. Rachel smiles back, but after a second her smile starts to waver and she begins to weep. Kyle is shocked. “It’s just so wonderful here. What if we go back and our family can’t…” Rachel’s voice breaks. Kyle reassures her that they don’t have to go anywhere, but Jamie and Patrick have a job to do. “We have to help them if we can. Isn’t that why we went back in the first place?” She nods and tells them about the Hallston Academy building. Kids come and go, real baseball games during the day, imaginary baseball games at night. “Classic high school stuff, go on,” Patrick encourages. But when Rachel picks up the kids at school she’s noticed another building. One down by the lake. No one ever comes. No one ever goes. “And armed guards are always nearby,” Rachel finishes, her voice now a whisper. But Kyle sadly shakes his head, “it’s been fifteen years, Rachel, I can know when you are holding back. You need to tell them.” She takes a deep breath. “There are two people I’ve seen come and go. I’m sorry I never told you, dear, but I didn’t want to spoil our dream. Those people were…” and suddenly she looks straight at Jamie and Patrick, “the bad movie twins!” Kyle turns to them, enraged. “Imposters!” That’s right! We are watching the classic *checks notes* Gary Sinise vehicle… wait, that can’t be right… alright, well the Gary Sinise sci-fi vehicle we all know and love. He’s an imposter… or is he? You better believe they’re gonna try to twist us up. Let’s go!
Impostor (2001) – BMeTric: 23.7; Notability: 67
StreetCreditReport.com –BMeTric: top 25.6%; Notability: top 1.6%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 22.2%; Higher BMeT: Glitter, Jason X, Freddy Got Fingered, Driven, The Animal, Ghosts of Mars, Black Knight, Valentine, Crocodile Dundee in Los Angeles, Soul Survivors, Monkeybone, The Musketeer, Corky Romano, Scary Movie 2, The Wedding Planner, Bones, Summer Catch, The Order, Say It Isn’t So, The Wash, and 44 more; Higher Notability: Pearl Harbor, Monkeybone, Lara Croft: Tomb Raider, Hannibal; Lower RT: Texas Rangers, Soul Survivors, Glitter, Corky Romano, The Forsaken, Summer Catch, The Wash, Out Cold, Say It Isn’t So, Joe Dirt, Head Over Heels, Megiddo: The Omega Code 2, What’s the Worst That Could Happen?, Freddy Got Fingered, Crocodile Dundee in Los Angeles, Perfume, The Musketeer, Valentine, Double Take, Original Sin, and 33 more; Notes: I’m not surprised at how high the rating is here. I am shocked by how high the Notability. Jeez Louise! It is on Hannibal or Tomb Raider levels! That’s nuts.
Leonard Maltin – BOMB – Is Sinise an alien spy impersonating a scientist married to Stowe in 2079? The movie’s distributor apparently didn’t think anyone cared enough to find out, because this malnourished Philip K. Dick adaptation sat on the shelf for more than a year. Most interesting features are the near home appliances in the early scenes, which include a voice-activated wall-screen TV that shuts off on command. You should be so lucky when watching this movie at home.
(Wow! Harsh. I would have never expected this to get a BOMB from Leonard. It seems maybe light-fare or boring, but he’s given really terrible horror films 1.5 just being like “I didn’t vomit while watching this film which is a plus.” But this is malnourished? A BOMB it is I guess.)
(The trailer is very weird. It makes it look incredibly cheap and poorly put together. Which is maybe why Leonard gave it a BOMB I suppose.)
Directors – Gary Fleder – ( Known For: Runaway Jury; Homefront; Things to Do in Denver When You’re Dead; The Express; Future BMT: Don’t Say a Word; BMT: Kiss the Girls; Impostor; Notes: Hmmm, he still does a lot of television (and maybe movies, although I’m skeptical his In Production work will be actually released in the end). In particular he did a Lincoln Rhyme television series which is basically the Bone Collector, which is rather intriguing … although me having never heard of it is probably a bad sign for its quality.)
Writers – Philip K. Dick – ( Known For: Blade Runner 2049; Blade Runner; Minority Report; Total Recall; The Adjustment Bureau; A Scanner Darkly; Radio Free Albemuth; Natural City; Morning Patrol; Barjo; Future BMT: Next; Screamers; BMT: Paycheck; Impostor; Notes: Probably a top ten most famous sci-fi writers ever. He won a Hugo Award for The Man in the High Castle, and was nominated for five Nebula Awards. Given that we’ve almost completed his BMT filmography with two films, his work tends to produce good films as well.)
Scott Rosenberg – ( Known For: Jumanji: Welcome to the Jungle; Jumanji: The Next Level; Con Air; High Fidelity; Beautiful Girls; Things to Do in Denver When You’re Dead; Highway; Future BMT: Venom; Disturbing Behavior; BMT: Gone in 60 Seconds; Kangaroo Jack; Impostor; Notes: He mostly does blockbusters, and he did a lot of television from 2000-2015. Good friends with Fleder who he went to Boston University with. Somewhat notably was the “other person” involved in a bar brawl where Steve Buscemi was stabbed three times.)
Caroline Case – ( BMT: Impostor; Notes: Was a television writer on The Tom Show and The Army Show, but besides that she mostly did script and continuity work on Gary Fleder films. He also produced her documentary on William Goldman.)
Ehren Kruger – ( Known For: Top Gun: Maverick; The Ring; Ghost in the Shell; Scream 3; Dumbo; Arlington Road; New World Disorder; Future BMT: Transformers: Dark of the Moon; Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen; The Skeleton Key; The Brothers Grimm; Blood and Chocolate; BMT: Transformers: Age of Extinction; The Ring Two; Reindeer Games; Impostor; Razzie Notes: Winner for Worst Screenplay for Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen in 2010; and Nominee for Worst Screenplay in 2012 for Transformers: Dark of the Moon; and in 2015 for Transformers: Age of Extinction; Notes: The writer of the biggest movie of the year! He is a blockbuster machine, and that will likely continue to be the case given that Top Gun 2 is going to make more than a billion dollars.)
David Twohy – ( Known For: The Fugitive; Waterworld; Pitch Black; Riddick; G.I. Jane; A Perfect Getaway; The Arrival; Below; Warlock; Grand Tour: Disaster in Time; Arrival II; Future BMT: The Chronicles of Riddick; Warlock: The Armageddon; BMT: Critters 2; Terminal Velocity; Impostor; Notes: Wait they got the writer of the Fugitive to get involved with this? That’s nuts. He has a film coming out called Ice Moon Rising which seems insane.)
Actors – Shane Brolly – ( Known For: Spread; Room 6; Flypaper; Rennie’s Landing; Devil’s Highway; 48 Angels; Future BMT: Underworld; Underworld: Evolution; Underworld: Rise of the Lycans; BMT: Impostor; Notes: Wow, it’s been a while since we got someone who is definitely not a lead actor sneaking into a preview. I’m going to leave it. He wrote a book called “You’d Think There Would Be More Suicides Around Here”.)
Vincent D’Onofrio – ( Known For: Jurassic World; Full Metal Jacket; The Magnificent Seven; Sinister; The Unforgivable; The Eyes of Tammy Faye; Men in Black; Ed Wood; Adventures in Babysitting; JFK; The Cell; Escape Plan; The Judge; The Player; Mystic Pizza; Strange Days; Run All Night; The Salton Sea; Chained; Kill the Irishman; Future BMT: The Break-Up; The Thirteenth Floor; Dying Young; Feeling Minnesota; BMT: Death Wish; CHIPS; Rings; Impostor; Stuart Saves His Family; Notes: Somewhat notable now as Kingpin and being one of the rare examples of an actor crossing from the Netflix Marvel series (Daredevil) into the Disney canonical series (Hawkeye). He was nominated for an Emmy for Homicide: Life on the Street, and then spent a decade as the lead in Law & Order: Criminal Intent.)
Gary Sinise – ( Known For: Forrest Gump; The Green Mile; Apollo 13; Captain America: The Winter Soldier; The Quick and the Dead; Joe Bell; Of Mice and Men; Ransom; I Still Believe; Open Season; Snake Eyes; The Human Stain; Albino Alligator; The Big Bounce; A Midnight Clear; A Wedding; SGT. Will Gardner; Bruno; All the Rage; Future BMT: Mission to Mars; The Forgotten; Jack the Bear; BMT: Reindeer Games; Impostor; Notes: I’m willing to bet a huge number of people know his exclusively from Forrest Gump (for which he was nominated for an Oscar), but he is an extremely notable actor (from things as lauded as Of Mice and Men for example). He was nominated for two Emmys (and won one of them) for Truman and George Wallace as the titular characters in both. He was the lead in nearly 200 episodes of CSI: NY and for the single season of Criminal Minds: Beyond Borders.)
(Horrible. It sat on the shelf for a year, probably because they didn’t know what to do with it or how to advertise it. I bet the $30 million figure it accurate given the behind the scenes stuff I saw, it seemed really expensive from a set perspective. But I’m sure they just dumped it with no advertising campaign at all as well.)
Rotten Tomatoes – 24% (23/96): With its low production value and uninspired direction, Impostor comes off as a mixture of The Fugitive and Blade Runner, only not as good or as involving.
(Yeah, it does seem like it is just a future Fugitive with less compelling leads. And if the trailer is to be believed it definitely looks cheap as well. So fair all around.)
Reviewer Highlight: Pushes the same old cliches in Blade Runner packaging. – Peter Travers, Rolling Stone
(I find this poster both nicely made and hilarious. Nicely made because the artistry of it is interesting, the color scheme is good, and it hits in a nice “classic poster” kind of way. Hilarious because of the tiny Gary Sinise running out of an explosion. If I wanted a funny poster based project to embark on it would be posters like this where an actor appears more than once. Double Sinise. Font is bad, which is a shame. B-.)
Tagline(s) – In the Future, not everyone is who they seem to be. (F)
(My God, unacceptable. Usually something that is total nonsense is at least fun cause it’s nonsense. This is boring nonsense. Booooo.)
Keyword(s) – dimension
Top 10: Sin City (2005), Spectre (2015), The Others (2001), Scream (1996), Equilibrium (2002), From Dusk Till Dawn (1996), The Mist (2007), Death Proof (2007), 1408 (2007), Scary Movie (2000)
Future BMT: 86.6 The Adventures of Sharkboy and Lavagirl 3-D (2005), 82.8 Spy Kids 4: All the Time in the World (2011), 77.5 Who’s Your Caddy? (2007), 77.0 Superhero Movie (2008), 70.1 Black Christmas (2006), 68.6 Pulse (2006), 66.9 The Crow: City of Angels (1996), 64.9 Scary Movie 4 (2006), 61.8 Cursed (2005), 59.0 Apollo 18 (2011)
BMT: Scary Movie V (2013), Halloween: Resurrection (2002), Highlander: The Final Dimension (1994), Halloween II (2009), Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers (1995), My Boss’s Daughter (2003), Highlander: Endgame (2000), Dracula 2000 (2000), Hellraiser: Bloodline (1996), Air Bud: Golden Receiver (1998), Phantoms (1998), Boys and Girls (2000), Texas Rangers (2001), Reindeer Games (2000), Halloween (2007), Senseless (1998), Impostor (2001), Mindhunters (2004)
Best Options (future): 33.0 Fortress (1992), 23.7 Impostor (2001)
(The question kind of is whether we’ll ever watch a 2005 or 2006 film … Looking at the list the prognosis is negative. We just love the 90s and early 2000s so much! You might be shocked (shocked!) that we didn’t pick the Christopher Lambert future prison movie classic, Fortress, but no worries, that is next week.)
Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 17) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Gary Sinise is No. 1 billed in Impostor and No. 2 billed in Reindeer Games, which also stars Ben Affleck (No. 1 billed) who is in Gigli (No. 1 billed) which also stars Al Pacino (No. 7 billed) who is in 88 Minutes (No. 1 billed) which also stars Leelee Sobieski (No. 3 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 1 billed) => (1 + 2) + (1 + 1) + (7 + 1) + (3 + 1) = 17. If we were to watch Pearl Harbor we can get the HoE Number down to 11.
Notes – Young Spencer Olham is played by Mac Sinise, Gary Sinise’s son.
The adaptation of Philip K. Dick’s short story “The Impostor” was originally planned to be one segment (about forty minutes) of a three-part science fiction movie. The production company liked the early “dailies” so much, that the idea was fleshed out into a feature-length film. The other segments grew into the features Mimic (1997) and Alien Love Triangle (2008).
In the opening scene of the movie, footage of soldiers is taken from the 1997 film Starship Troopers (1997); and footage of a crater, with other explosions is taken from the film Armageddon.
A street scene is filmed in a courtyard of Cal Poly Pomona’s administration building, the same one used for Jude Law’s apartment building in Gattaca (1997). Several students and staff of Cal Poly Pomona were used as extras for this scene.
Spencer Olham is said to be “very good at integral and differential calculus.” This is a tongue-in-cheek reference to Gilbert and Sullivan’s musical “Pirates of Penzance” from the famously silly patter-song “Modern Major General.” (The line from the song is, “I am very good at integral and differential calculus, I know the scientific names of being animalculus…”)
The operating room set was also used in Logan’s Run.
Maya Olham watches a televised news report that refers to a Ballard space institute – a reference to J.G. Ballard, the British science fiction writer.
The helmets that security forces wears are also the helmets worn in Starship Troopers (1997).
The film takes place in 2079.
Originally intended to be Miramax’s big Christmas movie for 2001, the film got delayed to January just days before it was set to open due to last-minute edits on Kate & Leopold (2001), which forced that film to take this film’s original date.
So get this, I was a bit off my game … by which I mean homeless, when a nice guy offered me a swish gig at his hunting cabin. The next thing I know I’m in a very dangerous game and one of them knocked me on my noggin to boot! Well, needless to say I can’t remember a thing. Do you remember what happened in Surviving the Game?
Pop Quiz Hot Shot!
1) At the beginning of the film our hero Ice-T tries to kill himself before he gets convinced to become a wilderness guide instead. This is instigated by two events. Name them.
2) Awwww, Ice-T doesn’t seem too keen on their plan to hunt the amnimals. But they did bring a “special guest” animal. What kind (bonus if you remember his name)?
3) The Most Dangerous Game is afoot! What are the rules of the game?
4) We got Rutger Hauer, Gary Busey, Charles Dutton, F. Murray Abraham (and his son), and John C. McGinley. They gotta die! How and in what order do they die during the hunt?
5) Well all of his hunting clients are dead and there is a seriously pissed Ice-T after him in Seattle, so time for Hauer to escape. What does he disguise himself as in order to escape?
Bonus Question: In the mid-credits scene we are treated to a bit of a cameo. Who appears?
After an unironically promising start to the cycle we finally hit our first stinker. Repo Men is about a couple of former military jackasses who use their skillz to repossess mechanical organs that people fail to pay off. Jude Law ends up getting shocked by a piece of faulty equipment and receives a heart transplant. Aahhh, repossessor has become the repossessee. Quickly realizing he doesn’t have… the heart… for his job anymore and thus can’t pay for the organ he goes on the run with a cyborg lady (more or less). Forest Whitaker is hot on his trail and they get into a big ol’ battle. Realizing that he’ll never outrun Forest, Law and his cyborg friend break into the transplant factory, delete all their organs from the files, and live happily ever after on the beach… or did they? It’s a twist, baby! Whitaker actually totally owned Law earlier and put him in a coma. They then did a brain transplant which gave him a happy life to live out.
So yeah, the biggest issue with all of this is a classic doozy. It’s pretty rare to find an “it was all a dream” plot device in the wild. So well-worn and unsatisfying for audiences, it’s basically a guaranteed ticket to the BMT zone. About 20 minutes into the film Whitaker started talking about a neural transplant he saw at a trade show and I immediately texted Patrick to ask if it was possible we were going to be treated to such a twist. His coy reply was everything I needed to know. It never works and it didn’t here. Particularly given just how weird his “dream” is at the end.
That’s a nice parlay into my second biggest gripe with the film. While Law and Whitaker get to have a bunch of fun, the female characters in the movie are either drugged up weirdos or total wet blankets. This culminates with Law’s “dream” where after getting into an argument with his ex-wife, his son inadvertently shocks her into unconsciousness with a taser. Law can barely contain his glee. He then proceeds Oldboy style into the transplant HQ and has a super super super (super) weird pseudosexual transplant extraction scene with his primary love interest. It is straight out of a deviant art page from the early 2000s. I honestly am having trouble shaking that part of the film. It is startling… and to think that that whole sequence was part of his neural transplant induced life of perfection is upsetting. As for good things, I will say it’s stylish and has some superb acting by Forest Whitaker. That’s as far as I’m willing to go with the complements.
I’m feeling my soon to be trademarked segment of Hot Take Clam Bake, where I stake my claim on a hot take about the film. This time I’m making the claim that a large portion of this film is actually a dream. “But Jamie, we already knew that!” But did you? I’m claiming that even more of the film is a dream! What a twist! My claim is that the shock that resulted in Law’s heart transplant was actually a shock that resulted in Law’s neural transplant. My primary piece of evidence is that the film takes a real weird left turn at that very moment. Law awakens in the hospital with Whitaker and Liev Schreiber giddily telling him he had a heart transplant. Already weird. Then after he has lost the nerve for his job he stumbles upon a lady who he saw singing earlier in the film. Weird, she’s singing the same song now… in the middle of nowhere… and also has had a transplant… and also loves him. It’s all so coincidental and weird. Finally, no matter where he goes Whitaker seems to always find him. It’s like he’s the center of the universe… but he’s not. In the plot of the film he’s just another nobody who can’t pay for his organ. Three things all add up to this being a dream and the original dream being a Wicker Man level dream within a dream. Case closed.
I put that Hot Take Clam Bake at “Steaming.” Patrick?
Patrick
‘Ello everyone! Repo Men? More like Please No, Man! What everyone was a-clamoring for in the post-’08 financial meltdown world: the heartwarming story of people falling behind on payments and literally dying at the hands of repo men … Let’s go!
This movie is bleak. The kind of film that was exclusively made (mainstream) in the late 2000s I feel like. That gritty real nonsense version of sci-fi with in-your-face gore, washed out backgrounds, and a narrator.
SPOILEES! It was all a dream. I honestly didn’t really think movies actually Jacob’s Ladder-ed you. But this is a full blown Jacob’s Ladder. Like half the film doesn’t exist. It is so stupid.
We watched the Unrated version (bully for us) so we apparently got a ton of extra stuff including John Leguizamo who was cut out of the theatrical release. That’s crazy.
As pointed out in the Flophouse podcast on this film (from years and years ago, around when it came out) they posit a world in which basically 60% of people have artificial organs. It is begging for an explanation where it is shown that The Union is also releasing chemicals into the world which is causing people’s organs to fail or something.
What else … the film is entirely narrated, that is a blast from the past. Forest Whitaker is great, like legitimately quite good, that’s a surprise. Everything else you can just give or take.
Solid Product Placement (What?) for Volkswagon throughout. I’ll throw out the Future Movie (When?) for this as this is a very good example of an actual sci-fi future film, which is more rare than you would think. And this might be the runaway winner of Worst Twist (How?) for Jacob’s Laddering us. Definitely closest to Bad just for being a bit boring and weird for my tastes.
Special Features Alert! The DVD (from the ‘brary as I like to call it) was chockablock with special features. We got deleted scenes (B-, a good number, but none were particularly interesting), we got fake commercials (F, not funny and pointless), we got a sfx short documentary (A, funny and interesting to see that some of the shots were entirely CGI), and, of course, we got an audio commentary with the director and both writers of the film. The commentary was fine, a solid B. The director was funny and seemed to be really proud of the film (they recorded it three weeks prior to opening weekend, so they didn’t know how it was going to be received), and overall they told a bunch of interesting production tidbits. It ain’t Ben Affleck dunking on Armageddon, but it was enough for a commentary-head like me to enjoy.
As usual, go to the Quiz to find out about the long lost sequel to Repo Men. Cheerios,
Oh man, so get this. I got bopped right on the head, and now I have to get a fake brain for my head before I die. Luckily it means I’ll be in debt forever and my life will suck. Unluckily I can’t remember a thing. Do you remember what happened in Repo Men?
Pop Quiz Hot Shot!
1) We open with a repo (natch). What organ is he getting back?
2) Where did Jake and Remy meet, and how did they end up in The Union?
3) How and where do Jake and Remy find the first nest?
4) Remy has been knocked out on four occasions. Name them.
5) What is the big plan in the end to get themselves to safety?
Bonus Question: The mid-credits scene shows a fancy new product from The Union. What is it?
“Looks like you didn’t expect this, Bad Movie Twins,” says Future Mikey #1. “Come on, dummies. We’re time cops. There is no limit to our power,” laughs Future Mikey #2. Jamie and Patrick despair. If they escape this, Mikey can just come back with however many time cops he needs. They contemplate their options. But even as they are doing it, a loud crackling screech comes from a nearby stage. Parsons, Ty, and Mikey Myers are up there and launch into an impromptu poolside concert. Suddenly teenyboppers are swarming and the Future Mikey’s are swept away in the crowd. Mikey is crooning his latest hit, “Run, Run From Your Heart” and Jamie, Patrick and LePumice do just that as they dash into the casino. It’s churning with bodies as they weave their way to where they parked the PT Cruiser. They let out a heavy sigh of relief as the purple sheen of the car comes into sight. Just as quickly their hearts fall. On the wheel is a boot labeled Time Cop Industries. They spin around, confronted once again with the two Future Mikey’s. “Poor, pathetic Bad Movie Twins. Did you really think a puny concert like that would stop us? Did you think we wouldn’t see through your sad excuse for a PT Cruiser disguise for your time machine? Sure, metallic purple PT Cruisers are everywhere. Wildly popular for a reason: they are rad. But your license plate is HOE4EVER. Either you’re a very excited farmer or you are the Here on Earth megafans we know you to be.” Jamie and Patrick curse their misfortune. They didn’t even order a vanity plate. That plate came with the car. What bad luck! “Prepare,” the Future Mikey’s say, “because we’re about to rip out your heart.” That’s right! We’re watching the 2010 film Repo Men (not to be confused with Repo Man) starring Jude Law and Forest Whitaker and featuring RZA in a minor role. It’s set in the future where people get organ transplants on a payment plan and… well… I think you get it. Let’s go!
Repo Men (2010) – BMeTric: 24.2; Notability: 52
StreetCreditReport.com –BMeTric: top 25.6%; Notability: top 6.4%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 20.0%; Higher BMeT: The Last Airbender, Vampires Suck, Birdemic: Shock and Terror, Skyline, Sex and the City 2, Furry Vengeance, Jonah Hex, Gulliver’s Travels, Marmaduke, Cats & Dogs: The Revenge of Kitty Galore, Yogi Bear, Tekken, My Soul to Take, Tooth Fairy, Legion, A Nightmare on Elm Street, Why Did I Get Married Too?, Passion Play, The Back-up Plan, Killers, and 44 more; Higher Notability: Clash of the Titans, The Wolfman, Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time, Valentine’s Day, Sex and the City 2, The Tourist, Gulliver’s Travels, Marmaduke, Cats & Dogs: The Revenge of Kitty Galore, Tooth Fairy, The Last Airbender, Little Fockers, Shanghai, All Good Things, Eat Pray Love, Burlesque; Lower RT: Tekken, Passion Play, Twelve, 6 Souls, Shanghai, Vampires Suck, The Last Airbender, The Tortured, Waiting for Forever, Dylan Dog: Dead of Night, Furry Vengeance, 13, Crazy on the Outside, Marmaduke, Little Fockers, My Soul to Take, Saw: The Final Chapter, Killers, Grown Ups, Virginia, and 29 more; Notes: Love the Notability (how do you do that on a $30 million budget though?). The IMDb rating is stock still. 6.3 definitely in that “cult classic” territory where this film must have a decently devoted fanbase to it. Interesting, 17 films with higher Notabilities, and we’ve only seen five of them. That is crazy to think about.
RogerEbert.com – 2.0 stars – There are enough props in this movie to clean out the Organ Department at Moo & Oink’s. When I say they’re up to their elbows in blood, I mean it. This work takes its toll. Remy’s friend at work is a repo man named Jake, played by Forest Whitaker. Like most Forest Whitaker characters and Whitaker himself, he is a warm, nice man. I noticed for the second time in a week (after “Our Family Wedding”) that Whitaker has lost a lot of weight and looks great. I hope the extra pounds weren’t repo’ed.
(Moo and Oink’s funny. But what a weird way to end this review. Just a paragraph complimenting Whitaker for looking svelte.)
(I mean, it isn’t exactly my cup of tea, but I can see what people might find appealing about it. Feels a bit like Priest. Understandably interesting premise, but also understandably thin film in the end.)
Directors – Miguel Sapochnik – ( Known For: Finch; BMT: Repo Men; Notes: He’s directed mostly television including 6 episodes of Game of Thrones (for which he won two Emmys, one of which for directing the episode Battle of the Bastards).)
Writers – Eric Garcia – ( Known For: Matchstick Men; Strange But True; BMT: Repo Men; Notes: This book was optioned before it was completed, which makes sense since he had already had a book he wrote (Matchstick Men) optioned for a very successful film.)
Garrett Lerner – ( BMT: Repo Men; Notes: Almost exclusively a pretty big television writer (including for John Doe and Ordinary Joe). Nominated for four Emmys for his work on House M.D.)
Actors – Jude Law – ( Known For: Fantastic Beasts: The Secrets of Dumbledore; Sherlock Holmes; Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows; The Grand Budapest Hotel; Captain Marvel; Gattaca; Contagion; The Talented Mr. Ripley; Road to Perdition; The Aviator; The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus; Closer; A.I. Artificial Intelligence; A Series of Unfortunate Events; Cold Mountain; Anna Karenina; Hugo; A Rainy Day in New York; Spy; The Holiday; Future BMT: Fantastic Beasts: The Crimes of Grindelwald; The Rhythm Section; King Arthur: Legend of the Sword; All the King’s Men; BMT: Repo Men; Notes: Born in London, and nominated for two Oscars (Cold Mountain and The Talented Mr. Ripley). Playing Captain Hook in an upcoming adaptation of Peter Pan.)
Forest Whitaker – ( Known For: Black Panther; Rogue One: A Star Wars Story; How It Ends; Arrival; Fast Times at Ridgemont High; Sorry to Bother You; Platoon; Panic Room; Good Morning, Vietnam; Where the Wild Things Are; The Butler; Southpaw; Bloodsport; The Crying Game; The Color of Money; Respect; Phone Booth; The Last King of Scotland; Out of the Furnace; City of Lies; Future BMT: Taken 3; Street Kings; Vantage Point; Blown Away; Consenting Adults; Ready to Wear; Our Family Wedding; Light It Up; BMT: Species; Battlefield Earth; First Daughter; Repo Men; Razzie Notes: Nominee for Worst Supporting Actor for Battlefield Earth in 2001; Notes: Won an Oscar for The Last King of Scotland. Has said in interviews that he has considered corrective surgery for his eye, but that it was too late as it has become something of a trademark for him.)
Alice Braga – ( Known For: The Suicide Squad; Soul; City of God; I Am Legend; Elysium; Predators; On the Road; Redbelt; Blindness; Crossing Over; The Duel; Kill Me Three Times; Lower City; Journey to the End of the Night; Sólo Dios sabe; Ardor; O Cheiro do Ralo; Latitudes; Future BMT: The New Mutants; The Shack; BMT: The Rite; Repo Men; Notes: Brazilian. Is slated to appear in an upcoming murder mystery show called Retreat which sounds interesting.)
(I mean … disastrous. How a film like this could only make $18 million is beyond me. And a rarity because it feels like $32 million is also a bargain on the budget as well considering the effects that it must have involved. Wild.)
Rotten Tomatoes – 22% (33/153): Repo Men has an intriguing premise, as well as a likable pair of leads, but they’re wasted on a rote screenplay, indifferent direction, and mind-numbing gore.
(Mind-numbing gore sounds about right for 2010. Right on the tail end of probably the worst (reviewed) decade in film history just from the perspective that there was actual junk being put into theaters on a regular basis. And not like Roger Corman junk, like big budget junk released to 2000 theaters. It mostly disappeared after 2010, probably due to streaming becoming a financially viable alternative. This would have definitely been a weird Netflix movie or series these days.)
Reviewer Highlight: There are plenty of moments when the appearance of a flying, green-glow Chevy Malibu would be a welcome distraction. – Keith Uhlich, Time Out
(I dig it. Fun font. Nice color scheme. Showing off your stars. Biggest complaints are that it’s not particularly interesting or artistic and it doesn’t tell me much about the film… so why would I be excited for it? B)
Tagline(s) – For a price, any organ in your body can be replaced. But it can also be repossessed. (F)
Consider them your final notice. (A)
(I feel like they needed these taglines because the poster wasn’t giving much information about the film. So the first one is like an elevator pitch. I hate it. Too long and boring. The second one is actually good. If the poster was better then they could have just used that one and really won the day. Cause it is short and sweet and good.)
Top 10: Dune (2021), The Adam Project (2022), Moonshot (2022), Blade Runner 2049 (2017), Interstellar (2014), Dune (1984), Mad Max: Fury Road (2015), The Fifth Element (1997), Blade Runner (1982), The Hunger Games (2012)
Future BMT: 52.6 Tank Girl (1995), 51.9 Johnny Be Good (1988), 45.9 Virtuosity (1995), 45.6 Voyagers (2021), 44.4 Brick Mansions (2014), 42.2 Red Planet (2000), 35.0 The Ice Pirates (1984), 33.3 Lockout (2012), 30.4 Mortal Engines (2018), 30.3 Push (2009)
BMT: Barb Wire (1996), 2012 (2009), Event Horizon (1997), After Earth (2013), Demolition Man (1993), Lost in Space (1998), Dragonball Evolution (2009), The Postman (1997), Æon Flux (2005), Battlefield Earth (2000), RoboCop 2 (1990), Ghosts of Mars (2001), Judge Dredd (1995), Priest (2011), Cyborg (1989), Johnny Mnemonic (1995), RoboCop 3 (1993), Star Trek V: The Final Frontier (1989), Soldier (1998), Repo Men (2010), Double Dragon (1994), Solarbabies (1986), Babylon A.D. (2008), Freejack (1992), Supernova (2000), The Adventures of Pluto Nash (2002), A Sound of Thunder (2005), Heartbeeps (1981)
Matches: Dune (2021), The Adam Project (2022), Moonshot (2022), Interstellar (2014), The Fifth Element (1997), Blade Runner (1982), Idiocracy (2006), Her (2013), Looper (2012), Black Panther (2018), Prometheus (2012), Starship Troopers (1997), In Time (2011), Alita: Battle Angel (2019), The Tomorrow War (2021), The Lobster (2015), Logan (2017), V for Vendetta (2005), The Terminator (1984), X-Men (2000), Star Trek (2009), Terminator 2: Judgment Day (1991), The Master (2012), Oblivion (2013), 12 Monkeys (1995), WALL·E (2008), Terminator: Dark Fate (2019), 2012 (2009), Mortal Engines (2018), Minority Report (2002), Waterworld (1995), Cloud Atlas (2012), The Matrix Revolutions (2003), Mr. Nobody (2009), Back to the Future Part II (1989), I, Robot (2004), The Hunger Games: Mockingjay – Part 2 (2015), A.I. Artificial Intelligence (2001), Terminator Genisys (2015), Chappie (2015), Ghost in the Shell (2017), The Giver (2014), The Island (2005), Downsizing (2017), Demolition Man (1993), High Life (2018), Equilibrium (2002), Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines (2003), Lost in Space (1998), Doomsday (2008), Surrogates (2009), Zone 414 (2021), Æon Flux (2005), Push (2009), The 6th Day (2000), Enemy Mine (1985), Ghosts of Mars (2001), Judge Dredd (1995), The Ice Pirates (1984), The Handmaid’s Tale (1990), City of Ember (2008), The Prototype (2022), Cyborg (1989), Paradise Hills (2019), Runaway (1984), Timecop (1994), Red Planet (2000), The Kid Who Would Be King (2019), Repo Men (2010), Double Dragon (1994), … (and many more)
(We have basically watched every “future” film released widely to theaters prior to 2000 according to this keyword except Virtuosity, Tank Girl, and The Ice Pirates. Virtuosity is the only real one left. Amazing we’ve left it so long.)
Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 17) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Forest Whitaker is No. 2 billed in Repo Men and No. 3 billed in Battlefield Earth, which also stars John Travolta (No. 1 billed) who is in Wild Hogs (No. 2 billed) which also stars Tim Allen (No. 1 billed) who is in Jungle 2 Jungle (No. 1 billed) which also stars Leelee Sobieski (No. 6 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 1 billed) => (2 + 3) + (1 + 2) + (1 + 1) + (6 + 1) = 17. If we were to watch Jakob the Liar, Jack, and The Glass House we can get the HoE Number down to 14.
Notes – Moments before the filming of the Chinatown scene a crew member was approached by a local Chinese person who pointed out to him that all the neon signs with Chinese characters were upside down. A frantic rigging crew proceeded to flip all the signs while the shooting crew shot in the direction of the newly flipped signs.
In a scene showing the city a Fast and Furious X billboard can be seen.
The young Remy (Jude Law) seen during the school yard fight was played by Jude Law’s actual son, Raff Law.
Forest Whitaker has been studying Filipino Kali for several years under masters such as Dan Inosanto and Richard Bustillo. He utilizes his skills in several fight scenes in the film.
Note that Jude Law’s character does not have a name (a similar situation in the book). The mystery effect was somewhat ruined when marketing inserted a name for him in the film’s first trailer.
To secure a product placement deal with Volkswagen, the production was required to feature one of their cars for 9 minutes.
When Jude Law and Forest Whitaker are watching TV the Monty Python sketch about organ repo men is on the TV.
The film takes place in 2025.
There’s a scene showing a sign for Jarvik St. It’s actually Jarvis St. in Toronto. Jarvik is the name of the man who created the first artificial heart.
It has been widely speculated that Repo Men’s premise was lifted heavily from the rock opera/cult movie “Repo! The Genetic Opera”. Both stories center around a character in a dystopian future tasked with reposessing organs for a villainous corporation. The opera predates this film as well as the book it was based on, “Repossession Mambo”. However, apart from this basic premise, Repo! and Repo Men differ wildly, making such plagiarism accusations difficult to substantiate.
Part of the film’s promotion was a seven minute comic released on Apple.com.
Bless me father for they have sinned. It’s been eleven years since they confessed. Here are their sins:
Retroactively stealing the BMTverse from Patrick and I. The entire setting of this film is some alternate universe Earth where megacities are surrounded by a dangerous Waste/Scorch and supercops/priests go around blasting baddies with laser guns. Uh, excuse me? That is quite literally the stereotype that is the BMTverse. We’d like our royalties, father.
Cam Gigantic… I love him… and by love I mean that I love to see him in films because they are guaranteed to be BMT. And he delivers, father, oh boy does he deliver. It’s not like anyone else is throwing the heat here except “Cam Gigantic Forever”. I’m ready to get him into the BMT version of the Expendables right now… no, I didn’t mean the Avengers, why?
They dare (dare!) to set themselves up for a sequel. I guess it wasn’t unfounded. This was the age of Underworld and Resident Evil. Probably felt like we would be lamenting the gritty reboot of the Priest franchise in 2022 after six films that ended with the evil robot Priest turning against his makers and teaming up with the Priest clone army to destroy the werewolf/vampire/frankenstein’s monster horde that has surrounded Light City or some shit. Truly, some weird franchises came out of that time.
They are (probably) sorry for their sins. Amen.
Well that was fun. Kinda flipped the review with the game. Overall, the film seems pretty small. It runs from an opening exposition explaining the origin of our vampire world right into the kidnapping of Bettany’s daughter (what a twist!) and the rest of the film follows linearly from there to the climactic battle scene. To sum it up: the priests are supercops (not to be confused with time cops) born to fight vampires. A priest-vampire hybrid returns and kidnaps Priest’s (secret, shhh) daughter. That got him and Cam Gigantic all riled up. So why did the hybrid kidnap her? Uh, I guess to lure Priest into a battle so he could try to turn him to the dark side. Mostly cause I think he knew he sucked and needed more priests on his side so he didn’t get totally owned like the loser he was. But also, he was a loser and no one liked him so the Priest just owned him instead. The end. In retrospect not much of a plan. I would have gone with a sneak attack rather than the “alert everyone to your plan and hope to convince people to also become gross monsters” attack.
It very much feels like they tried to take a graphic novel to the big screen and ultimately that both worked and didn’t work. Like credit where credit is due, I think there are some fun visuals in the film. The plethora of Renfields are interesting, it’s bookended with some cool cartoons, and it ends with a train battle. But everything still felt a little flat. Patrick?
Patrick
‘Ello everyone! Priest? More like Least, amirite?! I think I am!! Remember when Paul Bettany was an action star? I guess he still is, he’s Vision in the Marvel films, but still, there was a brief moment when a slight British man somehow led multiple action films. Let’s go!
Paul Bettany growls his way through this film a la Christain Bale in Batman and it just doesn’t work. I think maybe because Bettany neglected to … you know, look strong. He does attempt to lose his accent (poorly), so he was going for it.
I guess that begs the question though: why did we watch this prior to Legion? Shouldn’t we have gone in true Paul Bettany filmography order for the PBEU (Paul Bettany Extended Universe)? I can’t wait to find out how Priest connects to The Secret Life of Bees.
If you can’t tell by the notes so far the only reason this film exists at all seems to be as a Paul Bettany vehicle … it is hard to grasp that in 2011 that was something that was released to theaters. That new hot Paul Bettany vampire vehicle.
Karl Urban as the bad guy? Marissa’s grandpa from The O.C.? Christopher Plummer getting paid in the shade? CAM GIGANTIC?! How can Gigantic even look Marissa’s grandpa in the eyes, he (SPOILERS) killed Marissa in the show!
The creature designs were kind of cool I suppose, if you were going for a unique moleman kind of idea for vampires.
But then the setting is bizarre. Vampires have been around for a long time, but we are positing it is some unknown point in the future (I think, they have like robot bikes and stuff so it must be, right?). It is all based on a Korean manhwa series, so I suppose you just have to roll with the punches.
If I was more well schooled in Westerns I would be able to do a better job of seeing where the film (and probably comic) copied from more famous works. It seems pretty blatant, I think it is arguably an adaptation of The Searchers in some ways.
Really I can only give this an award for Worst Twist (How?) for the inevitable reveal that Priest is, in fact, Lucy’s father and not her uncle as we’ve been led to believe. Definitely a BMT.
The film in its own weird way reminds me a lot of Jonah Hex. An odd borderline steampunk Western with a gruff anti-hero. All it needed was Lance Reddick crowing “Happy Fourth of Juuuuuly” to me and this would have actually been a four star masterpiece.
Oh man. So get this, the world actually has loads of vampires and they are ultrafast. So one of those sped right by me and bopped me in the head. Now I can’t remember a thing! Do you remember what happened in Priest?
Pop Quiz Hot Shot!
1) Our hero (simply called Priest) is having some real spooky nightmares in Cathedral City. What are they?
2) Why does Priest ask the Monsignors for permission to leave Cathedral City?
3) Obviously Judge Dredd is a real bad familiar now. What is his plan to attack the humans?
4) What are Priest, Cam Gigantic, and Priestess going to try and do to stop the train?
5) In the end, how do they actually blow the tracks and save Lucy?
Bonus Question: I know y’all were waiting for that sweet mid-credits sequence to see the big reveal. Priest returns Lucy and Gigantic to the ruins of her family home to collect some mementos, but who is waiting there for them?
Patrick is sweating bullets as he watches the intense hearts game commence between Jamie and the dastardly Donovan LePumice. Jamie always said, “Hearts in the thinking man’s poker,” and boy howdy is he showing his stuff. Hearts are flying left and right as he parries LePumice’s every move. When the dust settles they both look at their cards, chests heaving in exhaustion. “Wha-wha-whaaaaaaa?” Jamie says like a dope. And no wonder, both Jamie and LePumice appear to have simultaneously shot the moon. “Saboteur!” screams Jamie. “I do declare!” swoons LePumice in shock, but he quickly recovers to pull a gun on them. Patrick holds up his hand, urgently begging LePumice to listen. “Don’t you see? It’s a conspiracy. Why are you here, LePumice? Who sent you?” LePumice looks rattled. “Sent me? I just answered a call. A call for all Timecops to take down the Bad Movie Twins, or should I say Bad Movie Terrorists?” he spits. Jamie and Patrick shake their heads in dismay. They explain everything to LePumice, including just how rad they looked showing off on their dirt bikes. “Remember that?” Jamie asks and Patrick nods wistfully, having a pretty sweet audio flashback of that recent memory. LePumice lowers his gun, a look of resolve crossing his face. “I can’t help but believe you, even if the warrant for your time arrest noted that you might try to do something rad to distract me. Like some sweet dance moves or a chilling, ethereal duet. It all seems too… perfect. Let me help you.” Jamie and Patrick try to dissuade him. It’s too dangerous. He won’t be swayed though, and indicates for them to follow him. “We must get to the church. It’s where my time machine is… to take you back to the future.” That’s right! We are heading into the future for this year’s ongoing cycle. We start it off right by choosing Priest, a film that is probably, maybe, almost definitely set in the future… we think. It’s also only 87 minutes long. Works for me! Let’s go!
Priest (2011) – BMeTric: 43.9; Notability: 48
StreetCreditReport.com –BMeTric: top 13.2%; Notability: top 10.4%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 9.1%; Higher BMeT: Jack and Jill, Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance, Human Centipede 2: Tom Six Discusses the Story Concept, Spy Kids 4: All the Time in the World, Shark Night, Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked, Bucky Larson: Born to Be a Star, The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1, Big Mommas: Like Father, Like Son, The Darkest Hour, The Roommate, Abduction, Conan the Barbarian, Zookeeper, Hoodwinked Too! Hood vs. Evil, Apollo 18, I Don’t Know How She Does It, The Dilemma, Twixt, Trespass, and 13 more; Higher Notability: Transformers: Dark of the Moon, Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides, Green Lantern, Cars 2, The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1, Your Highness, Hop, New Year’s Eve, Jack and Jill, The Smurfs, Red Riding Hood, Battle Los Angeles, Sucker Punch, In Time, The Hangover Part II, Hoodwinked Too! Hood vs. Evil, I Am Number Four, Johnny English Reborn, Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked, Season of the Witch, and 6 more; Lower RT: Faces in the Crowd, You May Not Kiss the Bride, Jack and Jill, Bucky Larson: Born to Be a Star, The Roommate, A Little Bit of Heaven, Hick, Abduction, Big Mommas: Like Father, Like Son, Dream House, New Year’s Eve, Red Riding Hood, Trespass, Season of the Witch, Hoodwinked Too! Hood vs. Evil, Atlas Shrugged: Part I, The Darkest Hour, Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked, There Be Dragons, Zookeeper, and 2 more; Notes: The era from 2000+ is quite interesting because there were so many bad movies that despite watching a ton of bad movies we still have only watched half of those available. Amazingly stayed stock still at a surprisingly high 5.7 on IMDb.
Leonard Maltin – 2.5 stars – Director and star of Legion reunite for an equally absurd but more exciting fantasy-thriller with religious overtones. In a postapocalyptic world ruled by the Catholic Church, an ages-old war between humans and humongous vampires has been settled by lethally efficient clerical warriors. But when rogue bloodsuckers kidnap his niece, Priest (Bettany) comes out of forced retirement to save her from a fate worse than death. Violent action-adventue borrows imagery and plot elements from The Searchers and other classic Westerns, and is all the more enjoyable as a guilty pleasure for not slipping into self-conscious campiness. Based on a Korean graphic novel series.
(Long review. And that does seem to be the consensus, that it is at least more enjoyable than Legion, but still terrible.)
(You know, it just occurred to me that Bettany is, for kind of no reason, forced to put on an American accent. They are like “Bettany … what if you character talked like Christian Bale in Batman?” Weird choice. They just let Plummer talk like Christopher Plummer, just let Bettany be Bettany you know?)
Directors – Scott Stewart – ( Known For: Dark Skies; Holidays; Future BMT: Legion; BMT: Priest; Notes: He started as a visual effects artist for Industrial Light + Magic including working on Phantom Menace.)
Writers – Cory Goodman – ( Future BMT: Underworld: Blood Wars; Apollo 18; BMT: The Last Witch Hunter; Priest; Notes: There isn’t much information about him online. This was his first credited film, and he hasn’t been credited since 2016.)
Min-Woo Hyung – ( BMT: Priest; Notes: He wrote the graphic novel. I think he also made one called Ghostface, but Priest is by far his most famous work.)
Actors – Paul Bettany – ( Known For: Avengers: Infinity War; Iron Man; The Avengers; Captain America: Civil War; Avengers: Age of Ultron; Iron Man Three; Solo: A Star Wars Story; Legend; Iron Man 2; A Beautiful Mind; A Knight’s Tale; Master and Commander: The Far Side of the World; Margin Call; Dogville; Uncle Frank; The Young Victoria; Wimbledon; The Secret Life of Bees; Journey’s End; Bent; Future BMT: The Da Vinci Code; The Tourist; Legion; Inkheart; BMT: Transcendence; Priest; Mortdecai; Firewall; Notes: Most recently seen in WandaVision as Vision for which he was nominated for an Emmy. He directed the film Shelter starring his wife Jennifer Connelly.)
Cam Gigandet – ( Known For: Twilight; The Magnificent Seven; The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 2; Easy A; Without Remorse; Dangerous Lies; In the Blood; The Experiment; Assimilate; Free Ride; Bad Johnson; 4 Minute Mile; Plush; Broken Vows; Red Sky; On the Doll; The Shadow Effect; Future BMT: Never Back Down; Pandorum; The Unborn; Who’s Your Caddy?; BMT: Burlesque; The Roommate; Priest; Trespass; Notes: We call him Cam Gigantic which I’m starting to think is pretty offensive, but whatever. Was credited on the soundtrack of Burlesque for singing Bound to You.)
Maggie Q – ( Known For: The Protégé; Divergent; Mission: Impossible III; Live Free or Die Hard; Rush Hour 2; Death of Me; New York, I Love You; The Con is On; Naked Weapon; Slumber; Operation: Endgame; The Argument; The King of Fighters; The Crash; Gen-Y Cops; Three Kingdoms; Dragon Heat; Lang zai ji; Hainan ji fan; The Trouble-Makers; Future BMT: Allegiant; The Divergent Series: Insurgent; Balls of Fury; Deception; BMT: Fantasy Island; Around the World in 80 Days; Priest; Razzie Notes: Nominee for Worst Supporting Actress for Fantasy Island in 2021; Notes: Voices Wonder Woman in Young Justice. She was born in Hawaii and is half Vietnamese.)
(Terrible. But unsurprising. Giant weirdo sci-fi nonsense from the 2000s always seemed to be chasing something (The Matrix maybe?) but then never really seemed to make much money.)
Rotten Tomatoes – 15% (15/101): Sleek and stylish, but those qualities are wasted on a dull, derivative blend of sci-fi, action, and horror.
(It really is a mishmash. It looks like a western, but objectively takes place in the future, but then also exists in a fantasy world where humans have been fighting vampires for centuries. Just a weird idea that probably works better as a graphic novel.)
Reviewer Highlight: The God of Aborted Franchises will be pleased. – Keith Uhlich, Time Out
(Nice font, but that’s kind of it. I like the detail and effort, but it’s very dark and kind of cheesy looking. Overall still OK though C+.)
Tagline(s) – The War is Eternal. His Mission is Just the Beginning. (D)
(Been a while since I got to say this: this sounds like a tagline, but I assure you it is not. This is straight nonsense. Just words put together to sound like a tagline. It’s not.)
Top 10: Hotel Transylvania: Transformania (2022), Hotel Transylvania (2012), Twilight (2008), Doctor Sleep (2019), Hotel Transylvania 3: Summer Vacation (2018), Dark Shadows (2012), The Lost Boys (1987), Scott Pilgrim vs. the World (2010), From Dusk Till Dawn (1996), Interview with the Vampire: The Vampire Chronicles (1994)
Future BMT: 90.0 Vampires Suck (2010), 88.5 BloodRayne (2005), 51.7 Dylan Dog: Dead of Night (2010), 49.9 Sleepwalkers (1992), 44.9 Transylvania 6-5000 (1985), 43.3 Bordello of Blood (1996), 41.2 Buffy the Vampire Slayer (1992), 40.9 The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen (2003), 40.9 Blade: Trinity (2004), 40.2 The Forsaken (2001)
BMT: Hellboy (2019), The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1 (2011), The Twilight Saga: New Moon (2009), Vampire Academy (2014), Queen of the Damned (2002), Dracula 2000 (2000), Priest (2011), Ultraviolet (2006), Vampire in Brooklyn (1995), Dudley Do-Right (1999)
Matches: Twilight (2008), Dark Shadows (2012), The Lost Boys (1987), From Dusk Till Dawn (1996), Interview with the Vampire: The Vampire Chronicles (1994), Dracula (1992), Night Teeth (2021), Blade (1998), Hotel Transylvania 2 (2015), The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 2 (2012), Let Me In (2010), Underworld (2003), Blade: Trinity (2004), Blade II (2002), The Twilight Saga: Eclipse (2010), The Mortal Instruments: City of Bones (2013), Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter (2012), The Twilight Saga: New Moon (2009), Body Double (1984), Buffy the Vampire Slayer (1992), 30 Days of Night (2007), Vampire Academy (2014), Underworld: Blood Wars (2016), Vampires (1998), Queen of the Damned (2002), Near Dark (1987), Once Bitten (1985), Fright Night (1985), Paris, je t’aime (2006), Fright Night (2011), BloodRayne (2005), Embrace of the Vampire (1995), Underworld: Evolution (2006), Daybreakers (2009), Underworld: Rise of the Lycans (2009), Dracula 2000 (2000), Underworld: Awakening (2012), Thirst (2009), The Stakelander (2016), A Girl Walks Home Alone at Night (2014), Priest (2011), Sleepwalkers (1992), Vampire’s Kiss (1988), Ultraviolet (2006), Freaks of Nature (2015), Shadow of the Vampire (2000), Dracula: Dead and Loving It (1995), Stake Land (2010), The House Next Door: Meet the Blacks 2 (2021), Fright Night Part 2 (1988), Vampires Suck (2010), The Little Vampire (2000), Night Watch (2004), Cirque du Freak: The Vampire’s Assistant (2009), My Best Friend Is a Vampire (1987), Vampire Hunter D: Bloodlust (2000), Vampire in Brooklyn (1995), … (and many more)
(So many and so many left and even so many solid BMTs left. My god … we haven’t watched The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen! I mean, I have seen it (in theaters). We just haven’t watched it for BMT yet.)
Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 10) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Paul Bettany is No. 1 billed in Priest and No. 2 billed in Firewall, which also stars Harrison Ford (No. 1 billed) who is in Hollywood Homicide (No. 1 billed) which also stars Josh Hartnett (No. 2 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 3 billed) => (1 + 2) + (1 + 1) + (2 + 3) = 10. There is no shorter path at the moment.
Notes – The animated opening was a compromise solution, since the studios had no interest in going over budget for a live-action version of the centuries-long battle of humans against vampires, so the scene was done by animation which was much cheaper to realize.
The girl Priest is looking for is called Lucy. This is a throwback to the Dracula of Bram Stoker, where there is also a character named Lucy, who is also an engaged redheaded girl in need of saving.
The basic premise of this is the search for a kidnapped girl, the niece of the Priest, who accompanied by her boyfriend set off after the kidnappers [Vampires], at one point the Priest says if his niece is infected he will kill her, to which her boyfriend says he will stop him. This is the same premise as a classic western the Searchers, with John Wayne saying he will kill the niece he and Jeffrey Hunter are searching for because of her being so long with the Indians and Jeffrey Hunter saying he will stop him. In both films both the Priest and John Wayne say “you can try”
The two companies responsible for building the bikes, Cinema Vehicle Services and Ghostlight Industries started with the Suzuki Gladius. The builders took the initial artists’ sketches and made adjustments that would allow them to create fully functioning, usable vehicles. Alloy swing arms were fitted to the rear of the bikes with a strengthened suspension setup similar to that used on sidecars. The front wheels were also extended out from the bikes using completely custom designed front ends. The low stance was then achieved by building custom fuel tanks that could be relocated to beneath the seat in the extra space created by the massively extended swing arm. Using foam and wood the extreme styling from the concept sketches was shaped over the heavily modified Gladius. The final touches including paint, age effects and the weapons were then added by the production’s art department. All the motorcycles produced for the film took around 6 weeks to produce. One builder was quoted as confidently saying that the motorcycles could be road registered and ridden daily.
Stephen Moyer did this film between seasons of playing a vampire in True Blood (2008).
Cam Gigandet played James, a vampire, in Twilight (2008).
Christopher Dubois is an American for sure who just wants to do right by the gang of street urchins under his care. After finding himself sold off to a muay thai trainer in the Far East he becomes determined to get into, and win, a big tournament where the prize is a golden dragon. Can he beat the baddie and win the gold before it’s too late? Find out in… The Quest.
How?! Christopher Dubois is a clown who uses his physical clown training to help the children of New York and not to help the local mobsters who want to use his big muscles for their own devices. When this gets him on the wrong side of the law he accidentally stows away on a boat headed to the Far East on which he becomes a prisoner. When some pirates led by Lord Dobbs and his ally Harry pick him up they immediately sell him off to a muay thai trainer. Meanwhile fighters across the globe are getting invites to the Ghang-gheng, a fighting tournament where the prize is a big ol’ gold dragon. Dubois is determined to get in the tournament and win the dragon for the children back home. Falling back in with Dobbs, they intercept Maxie Devine, a boxer invited to the tournament, and a reporter, Carrie Newton. On the trek to the tournament it is eventually revealed that Dubois meant to steal Maxie’s invite and the two have a brawl and a falling out, with Maxie eventually giving Dubois his invite. At the tournament Maxie shows up again only to ask that Dubois legally take his place as he is the better fighter. They give Dubois one shot and if he falls in the first round then Maxie will pay the penalty. From here a bunch of people punch each other. Mostly Dubois wins through sheer determination and Khan, a Mongolian fighter, totally owns everyone. He even straight up murders Dubois’ muay thai frenemy. Dobbs and Harry get spooked by how monstrous Khan is and decide instead to steal the gold dragon using a zeppelin (for real). They are caught and sentenced to death, but Dubois asks that they allow him to fight for their lives. If he wins, he’ll give up the gold dragon for them. Everyone agrees and of course Dubois ends up beating Khan against all odds. Despite not getting the dragon he explains that everything turned out A-OK. THE END.
Why?! For the children, obviously. Who wouldn’t look at The Quest starring Jean-Claude Van Damme and think, “Well obviously he needs a really good reason to fight in this tournament… perhaps a long introductory scene where he’s a clown who creepily lives with and cares for a gang of street urchins.” All the rest are pretty standard motivations, but JCVD’s are pure insanity.
Who?! There are a number of former fighters and stuff in this, which makes sense. The most interesting is Koji Kitao, the Japanese sumo wrestler. He has kind of a sad story in that he rose to prominence in sumo wrestling at a young age and was granted the title of Yokozuna even before winning a major championship. After that there was a lot of turmoil with him and never did win that championship before getting unceremoniously ejected from the sport. He then became a wrestler and stuff. He later started coaching sumo, but it was a wild journey.
What?! Pretty good MacGuffin action in this guy with a giant golden dragon as the prize for the tournament. The obvious quibble is that it’s not a MacGuffin at all. It clearly has no power other than making someone rich and making waves in the gold market. So it’s no mystery or anything. It’s just money. But whatever, it’s big and gold and everyone wants it.
Where?! The best parts of the film are in NYC where Dubois operates his clown/street urchin business (which sounds a bit sketchy). But that’s pretty brief. The rest are in Thailand then in the Lost City (which is allegedly in Tibet). If I controlled the film I would have had him travel all the way to Thailand and then travel to the Lost City which turns out to be… in NYC?! Whaaaaaa? That’s right in the sewers of NYC and then all the street urchins can come and cheer him on. Three thumbs up from me. A-.
When?! The internet says that it’s set in 1925. I think that must be right because everywhere says it, but I can’t remember if JCVD just says it in his weird old man voice or if it’s given to us as an intertitle. But whatever, that’s the best we’ll do cause the whole film takes place over several months and I don’t think the invitation has a date on it. C because I honestly can’t remember when they mentioned it. When something like that is so pervasive, even in contemporary reviews, it makes me wonder if it was in the press kit or something.
I have always unabashedly loved this movie. From the opening JCVD in old man makeup to the ending JCVD in old man makeup, it’s a feast of JCVD as auteur. I’ve always thought that films like this give you a look into someone’s brain. Just like a book gives you insight into the types of things an author thinks about. Clearly here JCVD thinks “They asked me to direct! Well what do I want to direct? I guess Bloodsport because that was great and made me famous,” and then “wait, it’s too similar to Bloodsport, let’s make it so I have to win the tournament to save some kids.” And the funniest part is that the Bloodsport portion is easily the best part of the film. It’s silly in an 80’s kind of way, which makes sense as it’s just a remake of a 1988 film, but fun. The rest is fun, but mostly because it is so crazy. Even if you don’t watch the entire film, just watch the bookends with JCVD in old man makeup. It’s straight out of a TV movie or something. I love it. Patrick?
Patrick
Hello everyone! We got Van Damme! We got Van Damme pretending to be American! We got Van Damme directing himself pretending to be American!!! Let’s go!
P’s View on the Preview – You better believe I’ve seen The Quest before. The stories from the preview are pretty funny though. Moore straight up dunks on Van Damme and the entire production and basically says the second unit director did the entire thing. Also they were actually sued by the Bloodsport guy (who won!) for just copying the Kumite. Awesome. What were my expectations? Popcorn stains all over my shirt because I was going to be so entertained by Van Damme’s excellent kickboxing skillz.
The Good – Uh everything? More seriously though, once they get to the tournament having the film devolve into just a guy-from-this-place vs guy-from-that-place as a showcase of fighting styles is a brilliant idea and works super well. This is exactly the same reason Mortal Kombat works as well and it is absolutely how all of these kinds of films should operate. Mini-bosses, boss fights, and tournaments. It rarely fails! Best Bit: This film is just a video game like Street Fighter and you don’t even need to know anything besides that Van Damme has a heart of gold and deserves to win that giant gold dragon.
The Bad – This might actually be the worst directed film I’ve ever seen. Everything from the wonky Dutch angles all over the place, to the cheap looking sets and ludicrous set up in fake-NYC. The whole thing is just absurdly amateurish, as one would expect from the amateur director Jean-Claude Van Damme. Do yourself a favor and watch just the open scene with Van Damme in terrible old man makeup. It is the greatest! Fatal Flaw: They allowed non-director Jean-Claude Van Damme to write a script and direct a film starring himself. The definition of a blank check given to a person who has no idea what to do with that level of power.
The BMT – If I were to choose a single film to embody the Mind of a Madman / Blank Check type of filmmaking … well, I would choose Battlefield Earth. But the second choice would easily be this film. It is the perfect combination of ludicrously entertaining and astonishingly bad. I love this film. I’ve watched it multiple times and will watch it many more times. A future Hall of Fame lock. Did it meet my expectations? There were so many popcorn stains on my shirt I had to just throw it in the garbage. Worth it, I bought a The Quest shirt off of Etsy to replace it.
Roast-radamus – I love it as a Setting as a Character (Where?) for Tibet, although that can’t really go onto the map I don’t think, decently Thailand as well. I’m going to throw it a bone and give it a small MacGuffin (Why?) for the mysterious not-Kumite invitation / giant gold dragon, even though it really doesn’t meet the definition. Whatever, this film just deserves a lot of awards. BMT for miles and miles, I think it could easily win this year.
Sequel, Prequel, Remake – Oh I think this definitely deserves a serious Remake for television. Imagine it. You set it up with three episodes of (1) what he needs money for, (2) how he finds out about the tournament, (3) getting to the tournament. Then four rounds of fights are the next four episodes with some serious martial arts action. Then a final episode where Van Damme leaves as the winner (without the money like in the movie) vowing to return the following year to defend his title and win the money. The second season is him winning the tournament and the money. The third he hears his protege has entered and returns to the Lost City to coach him. The fourth is a Tournament of Champions. And the final season is him realizing that he must stop the tournament by banding up with the foes-with-hearts-of-gold he’s met in the prior four seasons to take on the army the Lost City has assembled from the champions of the past. Boom, an easy five season order. Call me Van Damme, we’ll discuss the contract.
Bad Movie Twins 