Category: Preview

Magic in the Water Preview

“That’s right, you do love your wife,” Kyle explains as they stand in front of a new scene. It’s Metaphor Patrick somberly sitting in a room full of lawyers as they hash out his divorce. Tears stream down his face. “That’s why you end up giving her whatever she wants,” Kyle continues, “and what she wants is half your stake in the company.” Jamie and Patrick do the math. Their 60% is now 45%… “But she wouldn’t. You’re lying,” Patrick says, before running dramatically to a nearby fainting couch. And they would have thought he actually had fainted if it wasn’t for all the snot and drool that accompanied his intensely loud sobbing. “Your right, it isn’t true… yet,” Kyle says, “but it will be, and shortly thereafter your ex-wife, distraught at your betrayal, sells her stake to the Dudikoffs and jets off to Europe to start her life anew in a reverse Sound of Music type scenario.” Patrick’s sobs get even louder. Jaime is perplexed. “So this is all just to get their hands on BMT? But they have that already. We are doing a worldwide tour of Canada for them. What else do they want?” Kyle gives him a look of deep sadness. They still aren’t getting it. He snaps his fingers and they are standing in front of a billboard. “Welcome to Glenorky, home of the Bad Movie Twins Water Company.” Forcing Patrick to divorce his wife and six kids is one thing. But turning BMT into a bottled water company was crossing the line. “It’s the one thing we said we’d never do,” Patrick says softly. “You can drink it out of the tap, for god sakes,” Jamie yells, before punching a hole in the billboard next to the company’s tagline: “There’s Magic in the Water.” That’s right! We’re watching that film we all know and love, Magic in the Water. It’s got Mark Harmon. It’s got Josh Jackson. It’s got Canada’s version of Nessy. So basically it’s got everything. Let’s go!

Magic in the Water (1995) – BMeTric: 20.5; Notability: 23

StreetCreditReport.com – BMeTric: top 23.6%; Notability: top 26.8%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 16.2%; Higher BMeT: Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Next Generation, Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers, Lawnmower Man 2: Beyond Cyberspace, Vampire in Brooklyn, Fair Game, Showgirls, Jury Duty, Batman Forever, Mighty Morphin Power Rangers, Congo, Theodore Rex, The Babysitter, A Kid in King Arthur’s Court, Under Siege 2: Dark Territory, Candyman: Farewell to the Flesh, Judge Dredd, Nine Months, The Scarlet Letter, Johnny Mnemonic, Virtuosity, and 39 more; Higher Notability: Batman Forever, Congo, Judge Dredd, Cutthroat Island, Under Siege 2: Dark Territory, Virtuosity, Showgirls, Stuart Saves His Family, Four Rooms, Mighty Morphin Power Rangers, Money Train, Tommy Boy, Assassins, Panther, Things to Do in Denver When You’re Dead, Jefferson in Paris, Hackers, Jade, Canadian Bacon, Just Cause, and 47 more; Lower RT: The Big Green, National Lampoon’s Senior Trip, Theodore Rex, Delta of Venus, Jury Duty, Born to Be Wild, Top Dog, The Walking Dead, A Kid in King Arthur’s Court, The Hunted, It Takes Two, Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers, Bushwhacked, Lawnmower Man 2: Beyond Cyberspace, Dracula: Dead and Loving It, Fair Game, Canadian Bacon, Vampire in Brooklyn, The Scarlet Letter, Four Rooms, and 18 more; Notes: Probably the weakest for a while in both BMeT and Notability. Got a Friday, December 20, 1996, 8PM premiere on Showtime, and played an astonishing 41 times on television in the 90s. We’ve officially seen 13 of the 20 highest BMeTs for 1995 (and I’ve seen an additional 4 myself). That’s nuts.

RogerEbert.com – 1.5 stars – “Magic in the Water” is innocuous fun, but slow, and not distinguished in the special effects department. And about those two one-armed brothers, who both allegedly lost an arm to Orky: I’ll bet they could find those missing arms if they’d look closely inside their shirts.

(Ha! I do like this review, even though I have a deep suspicion now that Magic in the Water is going to be aggressively boring. Like Jaws for children.)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jat4iTeKpj0/

(Brought to you by Oreo. I’m not joking, in the advertisements for the film in the New York Times it tells the audience to eat America’s favorite cookie: Oreo. So for real, it is. This looks like a Captain Planet episode.)

Directors – Rick Stevenson – ( Known For: Expiration Date; BMT: Magic in the Water; Notes: As far as directing he’s mostly done single or a few episodes of TV shows over the years. This was his debut.)

Writers – Rick Stevenson – ( Known For: Expiration Date; BMT: Magic in the Water; Notes: Otherwise he wrote and directed some series called Best of the Fest which I think is about showing films that are not well known but good?)

Icel Dobell Massey – ( BMT: Magic in the Water; Notes: Literally nothing about this person outside of being listed as the co-writer on Variety.)

Ninian Dunnett – (Known For: Restless Natives; BMT: Magic in the Water; Notes: The writer of the book Restless Natives was based on. I’m going to field a guess that this person wrote an unpublished book or story spec or something and sold it off which is why they don’t really have an IMDb page.)

Actors – Mark Harmon – ( Known For: Natural Born Killers; Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas; Summer School; Freaky Friday; Comes a Horseman; The Last Supper; Beyond the Poseidon Adventure; Weather Girl; Let’s Get Harry; I’ll Remember April; Local Boys; Cold Heaven; Tuareg: The Desert Warrior; Till There Was You; The Amati Girls; Future BMT: Wyatt Earp; Chasing Liberty; The Presidio; Stealing Home; Worth Winning; BMT: Magic in the Water; Notes: Y’all know Mark Harmon … right? You all watch a lot of NCIS? Genuinely a huge 80s movie star, and then he kind of slowly spiraled into television stardom it feels like. Nominated for 2 Emmys for Eleanor and Franklin: The White House Years and a gust spot on The West Wing.)

Harley Jane Kozak – ( Known For: When Harry Met Sally…; Arachnophobia; Parenthood; I Spit on Your Grave: Vengeance Is Mine; The House on Sorority Row; More Beautiful for Having Been Broken; Side Out; The Taking of Beverly Hills; The Lovemaster; Future BMT: Necessary Roughness; All I Want for Christmas; The Favor; BMT: Magic in the Water; Notes: Has written at least four mystery novels and won the Agatha Award for Best First Mystery Novel for Dating Dead Men.)

Joshua Jackson – ( Known For: Ocean’s Eleven; Cruel Intentions; Scream 2; Apt Pupil; Bobby; Andre; Muppets from Space; Shadows in the Sun; Lay the Favorite; Sky; Battle in Seattle; One Week; Lone Star State of Mind; Crooked Hearts; I Love Your Work; The Safety of Objects; Inescapable; Aurora Borealis; Americano; Digger; Future BMT: The Mighty Ducks; D2: The Mighty Ducks; Gossip; Shutter; D3: The Mighty Ducks; Cursed; Racing Stripes; BMT: Urban Legend; The Skulls; Magic in the Water; Notes: Was a child actor (in things like The Might Ducks) and then became something of an actual television star (in things like Fringe). His mother was a casting director.)

Budget/Gross – N/A / Domestic: $2,680,717 (Worldwide: $2,680,717)

(Yeaaaaaaaah. Don’t worry, we didn’t screw up. It does actually qualify. Released to a healthy happy 890 theaters. On September 1, 1995 no less, and then it played on television on September 1, 1997.)

Rotten Tomatoes – 21% (5/24): There might be Magic in the Water during this family-friendly adventure, but precious little of it ended up on the screen.

(People seemed really concerned about the message of this film (which I guess in 1995 was construed as some kind of environmental screed). More hilariously apparently the monster is seen once and looks bad. So that’ll be fun.)

NY Times Short Review: Pacific Northwest sea-monster legend. Genial, but don’t call it magic.

Poster – Patrick in the Water

(I kind of like the poster. Having already watched the movie, though, I would be afraid they are stepping mighty close to false advertising. Let’s just say, we never even get close to an actual scene of the animatronic monster in the water. B-)

Tagline(s) – In a small town, on a peaceful lake, a mythical creature is about to surface. (D)

(Too long. Why wouldn’t this just be “a mythical creature is about to surface”? Seems like they added a bunch of words for no reason. It wouldn’t have made it much better, but it’s an odd choice.)

Keyword(s) – canada

Top 10: The Matrix Revolutions (2003), X-Men Origins: Wolverine (2009), The Butterfly Effect (2004), Armageddon (1998), In Time (2011), Transformers: Dark of the Moon (2011), Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen (2009), 2012 (2009), Home Alone 2: Lost in New York (1992), Terminator Salvation (2009)

Future BMT: 90.3 Vampires Suck (2010), 89.9 House of the Dead (2003), 88.7 Dumb and Dumberer: When Harry Met Lloyd (2003), 79.6 Shark Night (2011), 78.9 Daddy Day Camp (2007), 77.3 Superhero Movie (2008), 74.9 Look Who’s Talking Too (1990), 74.0 The Spirit (2008), 73.9 The Next Karate Kid (1994), 73.1 The Turning (2020), 72.5 Mr. Magoo (1997), 71.8 Dance Flick (2009), 71.7 Zoom (2006), 69.4 College Road Trip (2008), 69.0 Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen (2004), 68.8 The Santa Clause 3: The Escape Clause (2006), 68.6 Captivity (2007), 68.3 Yogi Bear (2010), 67.3 The Crow: City of Angels (1996), 67.0 The Flintstones (1994)

BMT: Battlefield Earth (2000), Catwoman (2004), Dragonball Evolution (2009), Batman & Robin (1997), The Emoji Movie (2017), The Wicker Man (2006), Fifty Shades of Grey (2015), The Cat in the Hat (2003), Superman IV: The Quest for Peace (1987), The Love Guru (2008), Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2 (2004), Crossroads (2002), Halloween: Resurrection (2002), Movie 43 (2013), Barb Wire (1996), RoboCop 3 (1993), Highlander II: The Quickening (1991), Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li (2009), Jason X (2001), Aliens vs. Predator: Requiem (2007), Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever (2002), Little Man (2006), Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2 (2015), The Twilight Saga: New Moon (2009), Freddy Got Fingered (2001), After Earth (2013), The Bye Bye Man (2017), Caddyshack II (1988), Big Mommas: Like Father, Like Son (2011), Kangaroo Jack (2003), Driven (2001), Jonah Hex (2010), Species II (1998), … (and many more)

Best Options (daddio): 78.9 Daddy Day Camp (2007), 49.2 My Girl 2 (1994), 41.5 Speed Zone (1989), 37.9 Dracula: Dead and Loving It (1995), 37.1 Clifford (1994), 36.8 Desperate Hours (1990), 34.0 Father Hood (1993), 30.3 Who’s Harry Crumb? (1989), 24.6 About My Father (2023), 20.7 Mad City (1997), 20.3 Magic in the Water (1995), 20.0 Art School Confidential (2006), 17.8 Brewster’s Millions (1985)

(This was an incredibly Canada film which is why we chose it. Like it has a bunch of Canadian actors and is set in Canada. Also it looks ridiculous.)

Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 17) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Joshua Jackson is No. 2 billed in Magic in the Water and No. 8 billed in Urban Legend, which also stars Alicia Witt (No. 1 billed) who is in 88 Minutes (No. 2 billed) which also stars Leelee Sobieski (No. 3 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 1 billed) => (2 + 8) + (1 + 2) + (3 + 1) = 17. If we were to watch Into the Blue we can get the HoE Number down to 16.

Notes – Early in the movie Ashley is wearing an over-sized powderkegblue (UCLA) football jersey #7. Mark Harmon was the starting UCLA Quarterback – he wore #7.

Film locations included a 163 foot stern-wheeler, the SS Moyie, which seemed a bit unreal for a town with only 800 people living in the area. This vessel was used as “Joe’s Orky Emporium”, a top-heavy tourist attraction that exploits the legend of Orky to the hilt.

The creature Orky was in reality a huge cable operated puppet which required twelve operators to bring him to life.

The role of Josh was based in part on the relationship that developed between writer-producer-director Rick Stevenson and young actor Joshua Jackson while Stevenson was producing and Jackson was starring in Stevenson’s first film ‘Crooked Hearts’ (1991). Jackson said about his role: “I’m on this trip to try and have some relationship with my father, but in reality I’m on the verge of not wanting a father anymore. In Josh’s mind, this trip is one last attempt at bonding with his dad. Then there is the aspect of having a little sister who believes in weird stuff. At first I don’t pay any attention to her. She’s dumb and so are her ideas, but out of pure boredom I start paying attention to her and discover she’s not so bad after all. The minute I let my guard down, she gets me into all kinds of trouble trying to save Orky.”

Mark Harmon’s character was called Jack Black which is the same name as the famous actor, comedian and movie star Jack Black.

Serving Sara Quiz

Pop Quiz Hot Shot!

1) Joe is a process server who is on a bit of a cold streak. His co-worker is trouncing him and getting all the jobs. But this big job, serving (checks notes) Sara, is all his. Why?

2) Oh wow, that film resolved quickly. He just served Sara. But wait, what a twist! Why does he agree to switch sides?

3) Well time to surprise Gordon in Texas … until they blew it! Where do they try and surprise him first? How does he trick him at every turn?

4) Meanwhile at various times Joe sends his co-worker around to three different cities. Which ones?

5) And in the end his co-worker got him good. How does he get him? But then how does he screw it up again to give them an opportunity to reverse the result?

Bonus Question: Oh cool, they blew all $10 million dollars of their divorce settlement on a failing vineyard. Smart. Oh, the phone is ringing. Who is it?

Answers

Serving Sara Preview

“Yes, like I said, I’m the Ghost of BMT Future but like… you guys didn’t kill me. ‘Ghost’ might be the wrong term. I’m… a metaphor or whatever.” Kyle explains for the fourth time. Jamie and Patrick nod their heads, but look at each other incredulously. Kyle sighs. After flying around for a bit they finally landed at a skyscraper in Toronto where BMTHQ was now located. It seems impossible that they would give up the Big Apple for Toronto, but Kyle explained that after the Apologies Tour brought to you by Tim Horton’s ended they relocated to where the Dudikoff’s felt like BMT could do the most good. A scene plays out in front of them. The Dudikoff’s sign some papers and then, with a bit of hesitation, Jamie and Patrick also sign. “You just signed over half your company,” Kyle says, and the twins gasp. It couldn’t be, they’d never make such a boneheaded mistake. Jamie grabs the contract from the desk and looks it over. He lets out a sigh of relief. “This isn’t half the company. It’s a 60-40 split. We still each have 30%. A majority. It’s fine.” Jamie and Patrick literally pat themselves on the back in congratulations of their business savvy, but their future selves don’t notice… cause they’re metaphors or whatever. Suddenly, Kyle bursts into the room. An animated argument plays out and Kyle storms away, distraught. Jamie and Patrick’s faces fall. “Right, I guess we must have written Kyle out of the company… but we had to, right? It’s for the best.” Patrick says unconvincingly. “Is it?” Metaphor Kyle says, pulling some papers out of Drake’s pocket. Patrick reads them over and a look of panic crosses his face, “But no… I love my wife and six kids… I’d never… divorce?!” That’s right! We are going from the super sweet View from the Top to the… not quite as sweet divorce comedy Serving Sara. This was in the early 2000’s superstar run of Matthew Perry and bridges the gap from Batman v. Superman: Dawn of Justice through a very early Amy Adams role. Let’s go!

Serving Sara (2002) – BMeTric: 48.1; Notability: 36

StreetCreditReport.com – BMeTric: top 13.2%; Notability: top 19.6%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 4.2%; Higher BMeT: Crossroads, Halloween: Resurrection, Rollerball, The Master of Disguise, Feardotcom, The Adventures of Pluto Nash, Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever, Boat Trip, Half Past Dead, Scooby-Doo, The Sweetest Thing, Queen of the Damned, Maid in Manhattan, They, Full Frontal, The Truth About Charlie, Swimfan, Snow Dogs, Vampires: Los Muertos, The Tuxedo, and 13 more; Higher Notability: Men in Black II, Scooby-Doo, The Time Machine, Star Trek: Nemesis, Collateral Damage, Dragonfly, John Q, The Master of Disguise, Unconditional Love, Showtime, I Spy, Queen of the Damned, Eight Crazy Nights, Rollerball, The Country Bears, The Truth About Charlie, Maid in Manhattan, The Tuxedo, The Sweetest Thing, Bad Company, and 29 more; Lower RT: Killing Me Softly, Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever, Hansel & Gretel, Ritual, State Property, The Master of Disguise, Deuces Wild, Feardotcom, Rollerball, Half Past Dead; Notes: Solid BMeTric for a film that is surely completely forgotten. Although I suppose Perry’s odd movie roles are often pretty good bets for BMT. We’ve see 12 of the top 20 BMeTs from 2002 including the top 7, which is pretty solid. Star Trek: Nemesis, we’re coming for you.

Leonard Maltin – 2 stars –  Lackluster comedy about a N.Y.C. process server who makes a deal with his “mark” to find her philandering husband and serve him with her divorce papers – in return for half of her take. This takes them on a bumpy road to Texas. It’s a long way from It Happened One Night. Mike Judge appears unbilled as a motel clerk.

(I do love when he shouts out the classics. He’s a student of history after all. Maybe I should get that one and watch it instead … who am I kidding, at the very best I’ll just watch it as well.)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yH5LUdNfKb0/

(This trailer is an insane idea with the voiceover by the star. There was a strange time in the 2000s where process serving became a thing in movies and television. Feels like an odd glorification. And of course end with the abomination that is the vet joke.)

Directors – Reginald Hudlin – ( Known For: House Party; Boomerang; Marshall; The Great White Hype; Safety; Future BMT: The Ladies Man; BMT: Serving Sara; Notes: Nominated for an Oscar for writing Django Unchained. Apparently while at Harvard he made the first version of what would become House Party.)

Writers – Jay Scherick and David Ronn – ( Known For: Clifford the Big Red Dog; Guess Who; Future BMT: The Smurfs; The Smurfs 2; National Security; BMT: Baywatch; Zookeeper; Norbit; Serving Sara; I Spy; Notes: I’m getting whiffs of Lennon and Garant here. These guys are all over the place and have a ton of credits, presumably because they are a writing team willing to take second or third passes at scripts that don’t quiiiiiiite work.)

Actors – Matthew Perry – ( Known For: 17 Again; The Whole Nine Yards; The Kid; Numb; Getting In; Birds of America; Future BMT: Fools Rush In; She’s Out of Control; Almost Heroes; A Night in the Life of Jimmy Reardon; Three to Tango; BMT: Serving Sara; The Whole Ten Yards; Notes: Y’all know Perry. He was on Friends? Invented sarcasm? Anyways, this film in particular has a bunch of notes about how he was publicly going through his drug issues at the time and it caused a lot of consternation.)

Elizabeth Hurley – ( Known For: Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery; Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me; Bedazzled; Aria; Edtv; The Weight of Water; Then Came You; Permanent Midnight; Father Christmas Is Back; Kill Cruise; Christmas in the Caribbean; Mad Dogs and Englishmen; Rowing with the Wind; Double Whammy; Method; An Elephant’s Journey; Bad Boy; Viktor; Made in Romania; The Long Winter; Future BMT: Passenger 57; My Favorite Martian; Dangerous Ground; BMT: Serving Sara; Notes: Remember when she was famous. I have to assume she just got rich and quite acting because … who wouldn’t? Then she’s come back more recently. She was in the TV show The Royals. You have to see that thing. It is absurd!)

Bruce Campbell – ( Known For: Evil Dead Rise; Spider-Man; Doctor Strange in the Multiverse of Madness; Oz the Great and Powerful; Evil Dead; The Evil Dead; Spider-Man 3; Spider-Man 2; Sky High; Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs; The Quick and the Dead; Army of Darkness; Evil Dead II; Escape from L.A.; The Majestic; Darkman; The Ladykillers; The Hudsucker Proxy; Bubba Ho-Tep; The Escort; Future BMT: Cars 2; McHale’s Navy; BMT: Congo; Serving Sara; Notes: Is it possible that Bruce Campbell is only famous for Evil Dead? I feel like it might be. He tends to have bit roles, but often it is in Raimi films because Campbell is his guy obviously.)

Budget/Gross – $29,000,000 / Domestic: $16,930,185 (Worldwide: $20,146,150)

(Disastrous again! We are on a good streak of bombs I feel like. Sometimes things seem like they kind of get close to profitability, but there’s no way with this one.)

Rotten Tomatoes – 4% (5/113): A romantic comedy that’s neither funny nor particularly romantic, Serving Sara is a forgettable time waster.

(My god, that consensus is perfect. It is the epitome of the bad rom com. Like … All About Steve. Neither romantic or funny.)

NY Times Short Review: Mr. Perry’s blustery, charmless performance reaches a nadir when his character, posing as a veterinarian, must give a prostate massage to an impotent bull named Tornado. — Stephen Holden

Poster – Serving Silverman

(No, no, and no. The only thing good in this whole poster is the pop of pink. Otherwise it’s a complete disaster. No wonder you got such terrible reviews. It’s all about the poster, guys. D+.)

Tagline(s) – The One Thing That Could Bring Them Together Is Revenge. (C-)

(I don’t totally understand what they think is clever here. Because revenge never brings people together? Sure… I mean, in a rom com I guess that’s unusual. But it’s pretty standard fare in film. Whatever, it’s long and not clever, but I think they were trying to do something clever.)

Keyword(s) – canada

Top 10: The Matrix Revolutions (2003), X-Men Origins: Wolverine (2009), Venom (2018), The Butterfly Effect (2004), Armageddon (1998), In Time (2011), Transformers: Dark of the Moon (2011), Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen (2009), 2012 (2009), Home Alone 2: Lost in New York (1992)

Future BMT: 90.3 Vampires Suck (2010), 89.9 House of the Dead (2003), 88.6 Dumb and Dumberer: When Harry Met Lloyd (2003), 84.1 Prom Night (2008), 79.6 Shark Night (2011), 78.9 Daddy Day Camp (2007), 77.3 Superhero Movie (2008), 74.9 Look Who’s Talking Too (1990), 74.0 The Spirit (2008), 73.9 The Next Karate Kid (1994), 73.1 The Turning (2020), 72.5 Mr. Magoo (1997), 71.8 Dance Flick (2009), 69.4 College Road Trip (2008), 69.0 Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen (2004), 68.8 The Santa Clause 3: The Escape Clause (2006), 68.6 Captivity (2007), 68.3 Yogi Bear (2010), 67.3 The Crow: City of Angels (1996), 67.0 The Flintstones (1994)

BMT: Battlefield Earth (2000), Catwoman (2004), Dragonball Evolution (2009), Jack and Jill (2011), Batman & Robin (1997), The Emoji Movie (2017), Alone in the Dark (2005), The Wicker Man (2006), The Cat in the Hat (2003), Superman IV: The Quest for Peace (1987), The Love Guru (2008), Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2 (2004), Crossroads (2002), Halloween: Resurrection (2002), Movie 43 (2013), Barb Wire (1996), RoboCop 3 (1993), Highlander II: The Quickening (1991), Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li (2009), Jason X (2001), Aliens vs. Predator: Requiem (2007), Fifty Shades Freed (2018), Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever (2002), Fifty Shades Darker (2017), Little Man (2006), Ouija (2014), Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2 (2015), The Twilight Saga: New Moon (2009), Freddy Got Fingered (2001), After Earth (2013), The Bye Bye Man (2017), Caddyshack II (1988),… (and many more)

Best Options (Justice League): 77.3 Superhero Movie (2008), 62.1 Cursed (2005), 50.0 Collateral Damage (2002), 48.1 Surviving Christmas (2004), 47.8 Sleepover (2004), 45.9 RV (2006), 45.1 The Ex (2006), 41.9 Mixed Nuts (1994), 41.5 Buffy the Vampire Slayer (1992), 40.9 The Marksman (2021), 38.8 Play It to the Bone (1999), 37.8 Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen (2009), 37.5 The Glass House (2001), 37.4 The Guilt Trip (2012), 36.7 Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Out of the Shadows (2016), 34.2 Suspect Zero (2004), 33.6 Must Love Dogs (2005), 32.9 Indecent Proposal (1993), 32.6 Let’s Go to Prison (2006), 29.9 200 Cigarettes (1999), 29.8 The Night Listener (2006), 29.6 Nights in Rodanthe (2008), 28.2 Dragonfly (2002), 26.5 TMNT (2007), 25.4 We Are Your Friends (2015), 20.8 Batman: The Killing Joke (2016), 20.0 Art School Confidential (2006), 19.5 Terminator Salvation (2009), 18.7 Entourage (2015), 16.8 Smokin’ Aces (2006), 14.8 The Matrix Revolutions (2003), 13.8 Wyatt Earp (1994)

(Yeah, again, Matthew Perry while being Canadian is not in fact born in Canada. This whole section has been a bit of a shambles since we are obviously opting to hit up very Canadian people even if they were born outside of Canada, so it is a little wonky.)

Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 15) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Matthew Perry is No. 1 billed in Serving Sara and No. 2 billed in The Whole Ten Yards, which also stars Bruce Willis (No. 1 billed) who is in Armageddon (No. 1 billed) which also stars Ben Affleck (No. 3 billed) who is in Pearl Harbor (No. 1 billed) which also stars Josh Hartnett (No. 3 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 3 billed) => (1 + 2) + (1 + 1) + (3 + 1) + (3 + 3) = 15. If we were to watch The Jackal, Nights in Rodanthe, and The Glass House we can get the HoE Number down to 14.

Notes – During filming in 2002, ‘Matthew Perry’ spent some time in rehab due to an addiction to prescription painkillers. Production was slowed, but the filmmakers focused on filming scenes without Perry in them during his absence.

The outfit that Sara Moore wears throughout the second half was actually chosen by Elizabeth Hurley. The director liked it so much he decided that would be her costume.

Matthew Perry shot the scene where Joe is running from Tony who is driving a monster truck with a broken foot. According to director Reggie Hudlin if he had stumbled he would have been run over.

A good number of Joe’s witty sarcastic comments were improvised by Matthew Perry.

The hotel concierge is played by Mike Judge who is a last minute addition to the film. According to Reggie Hudlin the original actor fell ill and was unable to appear in the movie, so he phoned Mike Judge who agreed to play the part.

View from the Top Preview

“Glimmer Man, reveal yourself!” Patrick yells, trying to imbue his voice with a sense of confidence. But it’s all false bravado. They had to wonder, were their twin chops as potent without BMT? They jump as they suddenly hear a clatter from above. “He must be heading for the roof,” Jamie murmurs. Patrick smirks. “Guess this guy doesn’t know us very well.” Five minutes and half a jar of margarine later and Jamie and Patrick are slip-sliding their way through the steam pipes of the arena. It’s classic Bad Movie Twins, their abs creating sweet rhythms on every bump and seam in the pipe like a robot walking along a cobblestone street. Using their knowledge of advanced physics they shoot their way to the roof of the arena and burst out of the pipe right in front of their watcher. They go in for a devastating Twin Chop but pause mere inches from the man’s jugular. Their mouths drop open in surprise. “Kyle?!” they exclaim and Kyle smiles. “Classic Bad Movie Twins,” he says, taking one look at their margarine greased abs. Jamie and Patrick are speechless and Kyle becomes serious. “I’m sorry I had to play this game of cat and mouse with you, but I had to get you away from the Dudikoff’s. They aren’t who you think they are,” Kyle says. Jamie and Patrick begin to protest, but Kyle instead pulls them in for a hug. “Listen to me. I’m also not who you think I am… I’m here to show you your future.” Suddenly Jamie and Patrick realize why it was so hard to catch Kyle. “You’re a ghost?” They ask and he nods. “Now take my hand, and look to the horizon,” Kyle says, and with that they jump from the roof of the arena. That’s right! We are taking in a view from the top by watching, you guessed it, View from the Top. It’s always surprised me just how bad the reviews for this film were, so let’s see if it lives up to its BMT billing. Let’s go!

View from the Top (2003) – BMeTric: 51.7; Notability: 53

StreetCreditReport.com – BMeTric: top 9.6%; Notability: top 10.8%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 10.6%; Higher BMeT: The Room, Gigli, House of the Dead, The Cat in the Hat, Dumb and Dumberer: When Harry Met Lloyd, From Justin to Kelly, Kangaroo Jack, Legally Blonde 2: Red, White & Blonde, My Boss’s Daughter, Darkness Falls, The Foreigner, Biker Boyz, The Haunted Mansion, Agent Cody Banks, Cold Creek Manor, The Medallion, Marci X, Honey, Hollywood Homicide, The Order, and 4 more; Higher Notability: The Matrix Revolutions, Bad Boys II, Dickie Roberts: Former Child Star, Scary Movie 3, Brother Bear, The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, The Haunted Mansion, Timeline, The Cat in the Hat, Gods and Generals, Hollywood Homicide, Tears of the Sun, The Core, Paycheck, Cradle 2 the Grave, Lara Croft: Tomb Raider – The Cradle of Life, Duplex, Agent Cody Banks, Wonderland, Beyond Borders, and 7 more; Lower RT: Dorm Daze, The Foreigner, Hangman’s Curse, Gold Diggers, House of the Dead, Gigli, Kangaroo Jack, From Justin to Kelly, Grind, My Boss’s Daughter, Gods and Generals, Marci X, Darkness Falls, The Cat in the Hat, The Order, Dumb and Dumberer: When Harry Met Lloyd, A Man Apart, Alex & Emma, National Security, Cold Creek Manor, and 5 more; Notes: I’m pretty stunned at the number of high BMeT films from 2003 we haven’t seen (officially) for BMT. I guess there thing is I’ve seen Dumb and Dumberer and Darkness Falls on my own. Still though, a bunch I haven’t seen. Very impressive 50-50 BMeT + Notability. The 100 club.

RogerEbert.com – 3.0 stars – The movie, directed by Bruno Barreto and written by Eric Wald, is surprising for what it doesn’t contain: No scenes involving mile-high clubs, lecherous businessmen or randy pilots, but the sincere story of a woman who finds her career is almost but not quite enough. Adult audiences may be underwhelmed. Not younger teenage girls, who will be completely fascinated.

(Awwwww, I do love sentimental Roger. He is probably at least somewhat right, but it is stunning when he comes off the top rope with “this movie isn’t for all of you” to his fellow critics. I checked and Leonard gave it a 2 specifically calling out Meyers for seemingly coming from a different film.)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=elF04ebuXHI/

(Ha I remember this trailer. I find it crazy how prominent they make Meyers in a film which, in reality, is not that much of a comedy. But I imagine they realized they had to capitalize on him being one of the biggest comedic stars at the time.)

Directors – Bruno Barreto – ( Known For: Gabriela; Dona Flor and Her Two Husbands; Reaching for the Moon; Carried Away; Four Days in September; Última Parada 174; A Show of Force; One Tough Cop; Bossa Nova; Happily Ever After; Romeo & Juliet …Get Married; Tati; The Story of Fausta; BMT: View from the Top; Notes: He seems to have mostly done Brazilian (adjacent at least) films, then this, and then went back to Brazilian films maybe. Was the second husband of Steven Spielberg’s first wife.)

Writers – Eric Wald – ( BMT: View from the Top; Notes: Wrote this script in a class at film school. He created and wrote a television series called Sirens which seemingly ran for multiple seasons.)

Actors – Gwyneth Paltrow – ( Known For: Avengers: Endgame; Se7en; Avengers: Infinity War; Iron Man; Spider-Man: Homecoming; The Avengers; The Royal Tenenbaums; Iron Man Three; Iron Man 2; The Talented Mr. Ripley; Shakespeare in Love; Contagion; Shallow Hal; Austin Powers in Goldmember; Sliding Doors; Emma; A Perfect Murder; Hard Eight; Malice; Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow; Future BMT: Hook; Great Expectations; Moonlight and Valentino; Country Strong; Hush; Shout; BMT: View from the Top; Mortdecai; Notes: Possibly even more famous for Goop than being an actress at this point. She seems a little like a kook if I’m being honest, but to each their own. Won an Oscar for Shakespeare in Love.)

Christina Applegate – ( Known For: Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy; Mars Attacks!; Bad Moms; The Book of Life; Anchorman 2: The Legend Continues; The Rocker; Going the Distance; Wonderland; Nowhere; The Big Hit; Employee of the Month; Crash Pad; Streets; Grand Theft Parsons; Sol Goode; Youth in Oregon; Farce of the Penguins; Jaws of Satan; Out in Fifty; Claudine’s Return; Future BMT: Vacation; Don’t Tell Mom the Babysitter’s Dead; Hall Pass; Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakquel; Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked; A Bad Moms Christmas; Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Road Chip; Mafia!; Cats & Dogs: The Revenge of Kitty Galore; Just Visiting; Surviving Christmas; BMT: The Sweetest Thing; View from the Top; Wild Bill; Notes: She’s had a fun career. Nominated 8 times for Emmys (won once for a guest spot on Friends). She was launched to television stardom for Married with Children (over 250 episodes), and is still a huge television star.)

Kelly Preston – ( Known For: Jerry Maguire; From Dusk Till Dawn; Sky High; Twins; Gotti; Christine; SpaceCamp; Mischief; For Love of the Game; Amazon Women on the Moon; 10 to Midnight; Waiting to Exhale; Citizen Ruth; 52 Pick-Up; Addicted to Love; Off the Rails; Spellbinder; The Experts; Eulogy; Daddy and Them; Future BMT: What a Girl Wants; Death Sentence; From Paris with Love; The Last Song; Nothing to Lose; Secret Admirer; Jack Frost; Holy Man; Run; BMT: The Cat in the Hat; Battlefield Earth; View from the Top; Old Dogs; Notes: She was married to John Travolta for years and years and sadly died from cancer a few years ago.)

Budget/Gross – $30 million / Domestic: $15,614,000 (Worldwide: $19,526,014)

(Yeah that’s rough. I remember when this came out and it was a huge bomb.)

Rotten Tomatoes – 14% (17/125): Uneven in tone and badly edited, A View From the Top wastes the talents of its cast and condescends to its characters.

(Badly edited. Boy howdy, I need to see this now! That seems like a rare consensus critique to come out of RT.)

NY Times Short Review: The satire is toothless, the romance … tepid, the portrait of stewardesses is dumb, jiggly babes anachronistic. Mike Myers has a  small,  unfunny role as a flight-attendant trainer with a crossed eye.

Poster – View from the Sklog

(I like the colors and I like the font. Don’t like much else about it. It also tells you almost nothing about the film… like why would anyone want to see this? The whole aesthetic is odd, as well. For so long I thought this was a period piece, presumably because of this poster. I also thought Ewan McGregor was in it… presumably because this aesthetic reminded me of Down with Love. C+)

Tagline(s) – Don’t stop till you reach the top. (B)

(How about… once you top the fun don’t stop? No? Well this is OK, I guess. Reminds me of a song, which is nice and it’s nice and short. It actually does kind of tell you what the film is about: corporate ladder climbing. OK.)

Keyword(s) – canada

Top 10: The Matrix Revolutions (2003), X-Men Origins: Wolverine (2009), Venom (2018), The Butterfly Effect (2004), Armageddon (1998), In Time (2011), Transformers: Dark of the Moon (2011), Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen (2009), 2012 (2009), Home Alone 2: Lost in New York (1992)

Future BMT: 90.3 Vampires Suck (2010), 89.9 House of the Dead (2003), 88.6 Dumb and Dumberer: When Harry Met Lloyd (2003), 79.6 Shark Night (2011), 78.9 Daddy Day Camp (2007), 77.2 Superhero Movie (2008), 74.9 Look Who’s Talking Too (1990), 74.0 The Spirit (2008), 73.9 The Next Karate Kid (1994), 73.1 The Turning (2020), 72.5 Mr. Magoo (1997), 71.8 Dance Flick (2009), 71.7 Zoom (2006), 69.4 College Road Trip (2008), 68.9 Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen (2004), 68.8 The Santa Clause 3: The Escape Clause (2006), 68.6 Captivity (2007), 68.3 Yogi Bear (2010), 67.3 The Crow: City of Angels (1996), 67.0 The Flintstones (1994)

BMT: Battlefield Earth (2000), Catwoman (2004), Dragonball Evolution (2009), Jack and Jill (2011), Batman & Robin (1997), The Emoji Movie (2017), The Wicker Man (2006), Fifty Shades of Grey (2015), The Cat in the Hat (2003), Superman IV: The Quest for Peace (1987), The Love Guru (2008), Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2 (2004), Crossroads (2002), Halloween: Resurrection (2002), Movie 43 (2013), Barb Wire (1996), RoboCop 3 (1993), Highlander II: The Quickening (1991), Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li (2009), Jason X (2001), Aliens vs. Predator: Requiem (2007), Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever (2002), Little Man (2006), Ouija (2014), Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2 (2015), The Twilight Saga: New Moon (2009), Freddy Got Fingered (2001), After Earth (2013), The Bye Bye Man (2017), Caddyshack II (1988), Big Mommas: Like Father, Like Son (2011), Kangaroo Jack (2003), Driven (2001), Jonah Hex (2010), Species II (1998), Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo (2005), … (and many more)

Best Options (Romance): 74.9 Look Who’s Talking Too (1990), 53.3 Abandon (2002), 53.2 Aloha (2015), 52.1 Loser (2000), 51.7 View from the Top (2003), 49.4 Monster-in-Law (2005), 49.4 The Perfect Man (2005), 48.1 Surviving Christmas (2004), 47.7 Sleepover (2004), 47.0 On the Line (2001), 46.7 You, Me and Dupree (2006), 46.5 40 Days and 40 Nights (2002), 46.3 Slackers (2002), 45.1 The Ex (2006), 45.0 Home Fries (1998), 43.3 John Tucker Must Die (2006), 42.2 Autumn in New York (2000), 42.0 You Again (2010), 40.4 Intersection (1994), 40.3 Admission (2013), 40.3 Soul Man (1986), 40.2 Bubble Boy (2001), … (and many more)

(Yeah finally we actually got one that starred a bone fide born-in-Canada Canadian! This is night and high up on the list, and we had to pick out a Meyers to go somewhere.)

Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 16) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Gwyneth Paltrow is No. 1 billed in View from the Top and No. 2 billed in Mortdecai, which also stars Paul Bettany (No. 4 billed) who is in Firewall (No. 2 billed) which also stars Harrison Ford (No. 1 billed) who is in Hollywood Homicide (No. 1 billed) which also stars Josh Hartnett (No. 2 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 3 billed) => (1 + 2) + (4 + 2) + (1 + 1) + (2 + 3) = 16. If we were to watch Moonlight and Valentino, Must Love Dogs, and The Glass House we can get the HoE Number down to 12.

Notes – The segment where the trainee flight attendants at Royalty Airways are undergoing training by John Witney (Mike Myers) included a lesson on how to deal with terrorists. The scene was cut from the film, and was not included on the DVD release as a deleted scene.

In 2019, British actor/writer/director Richard Ayoade found “View from the Top” so appallingly awful in every way that he wrote a book dedicated to the film, “Ayoade on Top.” He stated that he wanted to analyze the film as if it were Citizen Kane (1941).

This film wrapped filming in 2001, and was originally scheduled for a Christmas 2001 release, then after initial tests, an April 2002 release. However, after the terrorist attacks on the U.S. of September 11, 2001, the studio felt it was not appropriate to release a comedy which made light of airline flight crews. After another year in the can, and another round of edits which cut out cameo appearances by Robert Stack and Regis Philbin, the film was finally released in summer 2003. It promptly flopped and disappeared.

The character of John Whitney, played by Mike Myers, was cross-eyed. His office features photos of prominent real life figures with eye afflictions: Sammy Davis Jr. (who lost left eye in a car accident), Marty Feldman (had Graves’ ophthalmopathy, causing his eyes to protrude and become misaligned), and Peter Falk (His right eye was surgically removed when he was three because of a retinoblastoma, he wore an artificial eye for most of his life)

In an interview Gwyneth Paltrow admitted that she thought this was a terrible movie. This interview can be seen as a bonus feature on the DVD release of Thanks for Sharing (2012).

The Watcher Preview

“Yo, Mr. 305!” Jamie and Patrick yell to Pitbull, but he’s already up on stage. The audience had been in a mournful state listening to just how sorry Jamie and Patrick were, but quickly get to their feet for the funky fresh beats of Mr. Worldwide. “What a goddamn pro,” they marvel. As they race into the audience, trying their best not to trip over the numerous steaming cups of Tim Horton’s coffee their fans are enjoying, they get to the location where the green light was coming from, but only find an empty seat. They grab a nearby fan by the shirt and scream into his face “Tell me who was sitting here.” The man is terrified by this classic Tantrum Twin behavior and shakily confirms that someone was there but disappeared once the concert got bumping. “Like… like some gh-gh-gh-gh-ghost,” he stammers out at last. Jamie and Patrick toss the poor soul to the side and glance around trying to find any clue about the green light. Suddenly from the corner of their eye they see a glimmer, as if some Glimmer Man has quickly run across their peripheral vision. They follow where the suspected Glimmer Man must have been heading and find themselves in a series of steam tunnels underneath the arena. “Patrick, I’m sc-sc-sc-scared,” Jamie says, licking his lips. “I know,” Patrick says, “but we can’t let fear win the day.” Despite the confidence in his words, Patrick’s own fear is revealed when a loud clatter rings out in the tunnel and he and Jamie hug each other in terror. “Who… who’s there?” they yell out, but no one reveals themselves. The hairs on their necks stand on end. They may not be able to see this Glimmer Man, but they know he’s watching. That’s right! We are jumping to The Watcher starring noted Canadian Keanu Reeves. You know, The Watcher… the film we all know and love. Let’s go!

The Watcher (2000) – BMeTric: 51.7; Notability: 28

StreetCreditReport.com – BMeTric: top 8.4%; Notability: top 26.0%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 6.9%; Higher BMeT: Battlefield Earth, Dungeons & Dragons, Book of Shadows: Blair Witch 2, The Flintstones in Viva Rock Vegas, Nutty Professor II: The Klumps, Urban Legends: Final Cut, 102 Dalmatians, Highlander: Endgame, Dracula 2000, Supernova, Big Momma’s House, Get Carter, Little Nicky, The Next Best Thing, Hanging Up, Lost Souls, Down to You, The Crow: Salvation, Fortress 2: Re-Entry, Loser, and 1 more; Higher Notability: Gone in 60 Seconds, Little Nicky, The Flintstones in Viva Rock Vegas, Coyote Ugly, Mission to Mars, Ready to Rumble, Lost Souls, Proof of Life, Reindeer Games, Rules of Engagement, 102 Dalmatians, Hollow Man, Thomas and the Magic Railroad, Bless the Child, Supernova, Nutty Professor II: The Klumps, Final Destination, Dracula 2000, Get Carter, Dude, Where’s My Car?, and 45 more; Lower RT: 3 Strikes, My 5 Wives, Fortress 2: Re-Entry, The in Crowd, Battlefield Earth, Bless the Child, Down to You, Lost Souls, Turn It Up, Dungeons & Dragons, The Skulls, Urban Legends: Final Cut, Supernova, I Dreamed of Africa, Ed Gein, Screwed; Notes: That 50+ BMeTric is pretty funny for this film I’ve never heard of. Of the 20 higher BMeT films we’ve seen 10 I think, which is kind of weak. We need to hit up 2000 more often.

RogerEbert.com – 2.0 stars – “The Watcher” is about still another serial killer whose existence centers on staging elaborate scenarios for the cops. If these weirdos would just become screenwriters in the first place, think of the lives that could be saved. Keanu Reeves stars as Griffin, a murderer who follows an FBI agent named Campbell (James Spader) from Los Angeles to Chicago, complaining about the cold weather but explaining he had to move because “things didn’t work out with your successor.” Killing just wasn’t the same without Campbell to bug.

(Huge zinger there. And again, I’m a little perplexed. I guess Ebert did think Spader and Tomei were effective in their limiting roles, but still, that review feels like it should be lower than 2 somehow, and yet here we are.)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d-n9lMbUGQc/

(Haunt? Is … Kenau a gh-gh-gh-gh-gh-gh-ghost? A Glimmer Man? Jokes aside, this trailer is really long and lame, and you can distinctly tell that Keanu is half-assing the whole thing.)

Directors – Joe Charbanic – ( Known For: The Last Time I Committed Suicide; BMT: The Watcher; Notes: There is very little about this guy on IMDb. His first few credits are music videos though, and that is presumably how he got the gig.)

Writers – Darcy Meyers – ( BMT: The Watcher; Notes: Wrote 13 episodes of JAG. Seems to have got her start writing for Silk Stockings.)

David Elliot – ( Known For: Four Brothers; Catacombs; Future BMT: G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra; BMT: The Watcher; Notes: Created and wrote the show Proven Innocent which aired in 2019. I think it was a one and done.)

Clay Ayers – (BMT: The Watcher; Notes: Really nothing on this guy. Wrote Sword of Honor which I think he acted in as well. Has around 167 votes on IMDb, played around eight times on television in the late 90s.)

Actors – James Spader – ( Known For: Secretary; Pretty in Pink; Avengers: Age of Ultron; Stargate; Lincoln; Crash; Wall Street; Wolf; Less Than Zero; Sex, Lies, and Videotape; Baby Boom; The Homesman; 2 Days in the Valley; Dream Lover; Bad Influence; White Palace; Shorts; The New Kids; Jack’s Back; Bob Roberts; Future BMT: Tuff Turf; BMT: Endless Love; Mannequin; Supernova; The Watcher; Notes: Won three Emmys for The Practice and Boston Legal. I’m surprised he was never nominated for Blacklist which is probably what he’s most famous for now.)

Keanu Reeves – ( Known For: John Wick: Chapter 4; John Wick; The Matrix; Knock Knock; John Wick: Chapter 3 – Parabellum; John Wick: Chapter 2; Point Break; The Matrix Resurrections; Bram Stoker’s Dracula; The Devil’s Advocate; Speed; Constantine; DC League of Super-Pets; Toy Story 4; Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure; The Matrix Reloaded; The Neon Demon; My Own Private Idaho; The Gift; The Bad Batch; Future BMT: 47 Ronin; The Matrix Revolutions; Street Kings; Chain Reaction; Sweet November; Feeling Minnesota; BMT: The Day the Earth Stood Still; Johnny Mnemonic; The Lake House; Replicas; The Watcher; Notes: Y’all know Keanu. One of the weird films he did between The Matrix and the sequel. Now he kills it in John Wick.)

Marisa Tomei – ( Known For: The Lincoln Lawyer; Spider-Man: No Way Home; Avengers: Endgame; The Big Short; Crazy, Stupid, Love.; Spider-Man: Homecoming; My Cousin Vinny; Captain America: Civil War; Spider-Man: Far from Home; The King of Staten Island; The Wrestler; What Women Want; Before the Devil Knows You’re Dead; Trainwreck; The Ides of March; Chaplin; Anger Management; Four Rooms; The Toxic Avenger; Slums of Beverly Hills; Future BMT: Parental Guidance; Love the Coopers; BMT: Wild Hogs; Oscar; The Watcher; Notes: Oscar winner for My Cousin Vinny, but nominated two other times (In the Bedroom and The Wrestler). Now notable for playing Aunt May in the MCU.)

Budget/Gross – $30,000,000 / Domestic: $28,946,615 (Worldwide: $47,267,829)

(That is bad, but not nearly as bad as I would have expected … like $30 million is like four times as much as I would have imagined this movie I didn’t know existed made back in the early 2000s.)

Rotten Tomatoes – 11% (10/92): The Watcher has Keanu Reeves cast against type, but the movie is short on thrills, suspense, and believability.

(That RT consensus is actually pretty mild. Considering Keanu is terrible in it and the movie sucks and looks like crap. Oh, I’m stepping on my recap, sorry.)

NYT Short Review: F.B.I. agent, serial killer and therapist. Damp, morose, thrill-free thriller.

Poster – Who Watches the Watcher?

(Ahhhhhahahahah. Well I guess I have a good example for my Movie Poster Art and Artistry course I’ll be teaching. Color schemes is a theme and someone could ask, “obviously a poster can be too bright and white, but can you make one too dark?” The answer appears to be yes. This is incomprehensible. D+. )

Tagline(s) – Don’t go home alone. (Uh… what?)

(Uh… OK. Spoiler alert, I’ve already seen this movie and I have no idea why this would be the tagline for it. Everyone The Watcher is watching is always alone… home or not… that’s kind of the point.)

Keyword(s) – canada

Top 10: The Matrix Revolutions (2003), X-Men Origins: Wolverine (2009), Venom (2018), The Butterfly Effect (2004), Armageddon (1998), In Time (2011), Transformers: Dark of the Moon (2011), Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen (2009), 2012 (2009), Home Alone 2: Lost in New York (1992)

Future BMT: 90.3 Vampires Suck (2010), 89.9 House of the Dead (2003), 88.6 Dumb and Dumberer: When Harry Met Lloyd (2003), 84.1 Prom Night (2008), 79.6 Shark Night (2011), 78.9 Daddy Day Camp (2007), 77.2 Superhero Movie (2008), 74.9 Look Who’s Talking Too (1990), 74.0 The Spirit (2008), 73.9 The Next Karate Kid (1994), 73.1 The Turning (2020), 72.5 Mr. Magoo (1997), 71.8 Dance Flick (2009), 71.7 Zoom (2006), 69.4 College Road Trip (2008), 68.9 Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen (2004), 68.8 The Santa Clause 3: The Escape Clause (2006), 68.6 Captivity (2007), 68.3 Yogi Bear (2010), 67.3 The Crow: City of Angels (1996)

BMT: Battlefield Earth (2000), Catwoman (2004), Dragonball Evolution (2009), Jack and Jill (2011), Batman & Robin (1997), The Emoji Movie (2017), The Wicker Man (2006), Fifty Shades of Grey (2015), The Cat in the Hat (2003), Superman IV: The Quest for Peace (1987), The Love Guru (2008), Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2 (2004), Crossroads (2002), Halloween: Resurrection (2002), Movie 43 (2013), Barb Wire (1996), RoboCop 3 (1993), Highlander II: The Quickening (1991), Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li (2009), Jason X (2001), Aliens vs. Predator: Requiem (2007), Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever (2002), Little Man (2006), Ouija (2014), Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2 (2015), The Twilight Saga: New Moon (2009), Freddy Got Fingered (2001), After Earth (2013), The Bye Bye Man (2017), … (and many more)

Best Options (Thriller): 65.7 The Haunting of Molly Hartley (2008), 63.6 Valentine (2001), 59.1 Cold Creek Manor (2003), 57.4 They (2002), 56.6 Shutter (2008), 54.9 Lost Souls (2000), 54.8 Eye of the Beholder (1999), 53.7 The Possession of Hannah Grace (2018), 50.1 House at the End of the Street (2012), 50.0 Collateral Damage (2002), 45.0 Big Bully (1996), 44.2 Maximum Risk (1996), 43.8 The Stepfather (2009), 43.3 Jigsaw (2017), 42.3 Red Planet (2000), 40.9 Shadow Conspiracy (1997), 40.9 The Marksman (2021), 40.6 The Forsaken (2001), 37.9 Hideaway (1995), 37.3 Saw IV (2007), 36.2 The In-Laws (2003), 35.2 The Perfect Guy (2015), 35.1 Passenger 57 (1992), 33.6 Saw VI (2009), 32.7 Dream House (2011), 31.0 Masterminds (1997), 30.3 Gossip (2000), 29.9 Wrongfully Accused (1998), 29.5 Most Wanted (1997), 29.3 Murder by Numbers (2002), 28.9 The Sentinel (2006), 28.3 The Temp (1993), 27.5 Next (2007), 27.0 Taking Lives (2004), 27.0 Case 39 (2009), 26.9 American Assassin (2017), 26.5 Knockaround Guys (2001), 26.2 The Puppet Masters (1994), 24.6 Surrogates (2009), 24.2 Visiting Hours (1982), 23.7 Criminal (2016), 23.3 Don’t Say a Word (2001), 22.6 Eye for an Eye (1996), 20.7 Stand Up Guys (2012), 20.7 Mad City (1997), 20.5 Rules of Engagement (2000), 19.8 Trial by Jury (1994), 18.9 Whispers in the Dark (1992), 17.4 Instinct (1999), 16.8 Wrong Is Right (1982), 14.9 The Book of Henry (2017), 14.8 In Time (2011), 14.7 Final Destination (2000), 12.8 The Island (2005), 12.4 Run (1991), 11.5 Firstborn (1984), 3.1 The Butterfly Effect (2004), 3.1 Seven Pounds (2008)

(Right, this isn’t in the dataset because Keanu isn’t “Canadian” according to IMDb. He was born in Lebanon and has an impressively varied ancestry. He grew up in Canada, and also acted in Youngblood as a French-Canadian goalie, which is all I really needed to know to know Keanu is a maple-blooded Canadian.)

Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 14) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Marisa Tomei is No. 3 billed in The Watcher and No. 2 billed in Oscar, which also stars Sylvester Stallone (No. 1 billed) who is in The Expendables 3 (No. 1 billed) which also stars Jason Statham (No. 2 billed) who is in In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale (No. 1 billed) which also stars Leelee Sobieski (No. 3 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 1 billed) => (3 + 2) + (1 + 1) + (2 + 1) + (3 + 1) = 14. If we were to watch The Glass House we can get the HoE Number down to 13.

Notes – Reeves has stated that he was not interested in the script but was forced into doing the film when his assistant Brian forged his signature on a contract. He performed the role rather than get involved in a lengthy legal battle. He was contractually prevented from disclosing this until 12 months after the film’s US release.

Keanu Reeves was contracted by the studio not to say anything negative until a year after the film’s release. He waited the full year to publicly bash the movie and revealed how someone forged his signature on the contract to star in the film.

Third-billed Keanu Reeves gave his verbal agreement to director Joe Charbanic several years before production started, after reading his original script. With his involvement, the filmmakers were able to attract a bigger cast and budget than originally envisioned, and Reeves’ part (originally little more than a cameo) was substantially re-written to feature him more prominently. Reportedly, Keanu Reeves, who would be paid scale while his co-stars James Spader and Marisa Tomei would get one million dollar paychecks, tried to drop out of the film, but eventually changed his mind (apparently influenced by the legal precedent of the Kim Basinger/Boxing Helena (1993) debacle). He eventually agreed to do the picture, and abstain from badmouthing it in interviews, on the condition that his involvement in the film be downplayed in all promotional material for the film, including trailers. Universal also asked the film’s financiers to enhance Reeves’ profit participation, which led Reeves to ultimately receive (at least) additional $2 million.

The Watcher was directed by Joe Charbanic, a buddy of Keanu who has also filmed the actor on tour with his rock band Dogstar.

Keanu Reeves disliked the movie so much he refused to do any press for the films release.

Awards – Nominee for the Razzie Award for Worst Supporting Actor (Keanu Reeves)

Green Lantern Preview

“1… 2… 3… Sorry!” Jamie and Patrick yell in unison with their bandmates. It’s stop number 19 of their 56 city Apologies Tour brought to you by Tim Horton’s. They all take a quick draught of some scalding Tim Horton’s coffee and let Pitbull know to be ready. “Mr. Worldwide. Ha!” he responds, which Jamie and Patrick have learned means “no problem, I’m ready to pump up the volume at a moment’s notice. I’m Mr. 305. Ha!” The tour feels a little bit different from their past tours as part of PaJama ParTy. Not least of which was where the tour was taking them. “Thank you Saskatoon!” They scream once they get onto stage. “We love you SaskTel Centre,” their drummer Matt McGoo screams right after them. They stare daggers at him. Fucking McGoo. With his drum solos and his stupid hats. But they calm themselves. This is the tour where they say sorry for their past conduct, not create more fodder for the Tantrum Twins machine by knocking his stupid hat off his stupid head in the middle of their set. While it was unsettling to learn that the Dudikoff’s had picked their band, wrote all their songs, and decided that their nephew Matt McGoo got to wear whatever dumb hat he wanted, they had to take it all in stride. The Dudikoff’s had done so much for them in helping them realize how much pain they had caused. So it was time to say sorry. Just as they are finishing up a rousing rendition of “We’re Not the Audience” and right before they start in on “Sure, It’s Bad, But Maybe That’s What You Like” they suddenly get blinded by a flashing green light from the audience. They stop… something about that green light is familiar. That’s right! We are diving once again into a film we’ve seen before, the much reviled Green Lantern starring noted Canadian Ryan Reynolds. I did not like this movie one bit when it came out… not even one little bit. Lets go!

Green Lantern (2011) – BMeTric: 52.1; Notability: 98

StreetCreditReport.com – BMeTric: top 10.0%; Notability: top 0.8%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 21.2%; Higher BMeT: Jack and Jill, The Human Centipede 2 (Full Sequence), Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance, Spy Kids 4: All the Time in the World, Shark Night, Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked, Big Mommas: Like Father, Like Son, Bucky Larson: Born to Be a Star, The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1, The Roommate, The Darkest Hour, Hellraiser: Revelations, Conan the Barbarian, Abduction, I Don’t Know How She Does It, Hoodwinked Too! Hood vs. Evil, Zookeeper, Apollo 18, Twixt, The Dilemma, and 5 more; Higher Notability: Transformers: Dark of the Moon, Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides; Lower RT: Hellraiser: Revelations, You May Not Kiss the Bride, Faces in the Crowd, Beneath the Darkness, Jack and Jill, Bucky Larson: Born to Be a Star, The Roommate, A Little Bit of Heaven, Abduction, Hick, Big Mommas: Like Father, Like Son, Dream House, New Year’s Eve, Trespass, Honey 2, Red Riding Hood, Season of the Witch, Hoodwinked Too! Hood vs. Evil, The Darkest Hour, Atlas Shrugged: Part I, and 31 more; Notes: Oh boy, look at those Low RT films. A lot of those are fake VOD garbage, but I think we’ve seem maybe 12 of those listed. I wonder when we’ll get to the Spy Kids series.

RogerEbert.com – 2.5 stars – “Green Lantern” presents yet another case of a human being given the responsibility of leading the battle of good vs. evil, or, in this case, of the Will vs. Fear. … The movie, as you know, was filmed in 3-D. But a screening was made available in 2-D, and I chose to attend the 2-D screening. The colors were bright, the images were crisp and clear, the impact was undeniable, the greens were … real green. I didn’t see the 3-D version, so can’t compare the two. I will be looking forward with interest to how other film critics describe it.

(The 3D versus 2D stuff was all the rage at the time. Somehow 2.5 stars seems totally appropriate. Like … it looks nice, and is kind of fun. But it is hollow and empty and leaves you unsatisfied. You know?)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W7w07MLhhb4/

(I remember this trailer and thinking it looked cool at the time. Unfortunately the way they did the suit and his powers ended up just looking lame from what I recall, and the movie falls apart around that fundamental issue.)

Directors – Martin Campbell – ( Known For: Casino Royale; GoldenEye; The Mask of Zorro; The Foreigner; Vertical Limit; Edge of Darkness; The Protégé; No Escape; Eskimo Nell; Defenseless; Three for All; Future BMT: The Legend of Zorro; Beyond Borders; Criminal Law; BMT: Memory; Green Lantern; Notes: Man, directing both GoldenEye and Casino Royale is a very very fun fact. I remember this from last year though because I really didn’t like Memory, and I was stunning this guy did it.)

Writers – Greg Berlanti – ( Known For: The Broken Hearts Club: A Romantic Comedy; BMT: Green Lantern; Wrath of the Titans; Notes: Nominated for two Emmys for Political Animals and The Flight Attendant. Is an absolutely enormous television producer now for things like Riverdale and The Flash.)

Michael Green – ( Known For: Blade Runner 2049; Logan; Death on the Nile; Murder on the Orient Express; Alien: Covenant; Jungle Cruise; The Call of the Wild; BMT: Green Lantern; Notes: Nominated for an Oscar for Logan. Kind of amazing how young the writers were, he was 38 for example when this movie came out.)

Marc Guggenheim – ( Known For: Percy Jackson: Sea of Monsters; Trollhunters: Rise of the Titans; BMT: Green Lantern; Notes: Done a ton of DC stuff like DC’s Legends of Tomorrow.)

Michael Goldenberg – ( Known For: Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix; Peter Pan; Contact; Future BMT: Bed of Roses; BMT: Green Lantern; Notes: Weird that there aren’t any comic book writers among the credited screenwriters.)

Actors – Ryan Reynolds – ( Known For: Bullet Train; Ghosted; Deadpool 2; Deadpool; Free Guy; Ted; Red Notice; The Adam Project; Life; 6 Underground; The Proposal; Fast & Furious Presents: Hobbs & Shaw; Pokémon: Detective Pikachu; Safe House; The Hitman’s Bodyguard; The Croods: A New Age; The Croods; Spirited; Turbo; Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle; Future BMT: Waiting…; Smokin’ Aces; National Lampoon’s Van Wilder; The Change-Up; Blade: Trinity; Self/less; The Amityville Horror; A Million Ways to Die in the West; Criminal; The In-Laws; BMT: X-Men Origins: Wolverine; Hitman’s Wife’s Bodyguard; Green Lantern; R.I.P.D.; Notes: Now possibly more well known for selling his vodka company for a billion dollars, and then his mobile company for a billion dollars, and now he also owns Wrexham, a football club in Wales. He is a rare example of the triple dip. He failed as Green Lantern, failed a different time playing Deadpool, and then finally did succeed playing Deadpool a second time!)

Blake Lively – ( Known For: A Simple Favor; The Age of Adaline; The Town; The Shallows; Savages; The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants; Hick; Café Society; The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2; The Private Lives of Pippa Lee; All I See Is You; New York, I Love You; Elvis and Anabelle; Simon Says; Future BMT: Accepted; The Rhythm Section; BMT: Green Lantern; Notes: Doesn’t do much acting anymore seeing as she is married to bona fide billionaire Ryan Reynolds. Got her start as the star of Gossip Girl which was really the only O.C. followup teen soap of the era to hit big.)

Peter Sarsgaard – ( Known For: The Batman; The Magnificent Seven; Knight and Day; Orphan; The Cell; The Guilty; Jarhead; Black Mass; The Lost Daughter; Lovelace; Rendition; Blue Jasmine; Boys Don’t Cry; Garden State; K-19: The Widowmaker; Dead Man Walking; Mr. Jones; Jackie; An Education; The Lie; Future BMT: The Man in the Iron Mask; Flightplan; The Skeleton Key; Empire; BMT: Green Lantern; Notes: Nominated for an Emmy for Dopesick. According to IMDb he runs 50 miles a week.)

Budget/Gross – $200,000,000 / Domestic: $116,601,172 (Worldwide: $219,851,172)

(That is quite bad. It was a legendary bomb at the time, but yeah … that is somehow worse than I expected.)

Rotten Tomatoes – 26% (64/249): Noisy, overproduced, and thinly written, Green Lantern squanders an impressive budget and decades of comics mythology.

(Yeah, that is indeed what I remember. I do like the various reviews which are like “man, superheroes suck I can’t wait for this dumb shit to end” right before it takes over the entire culture for a generation.)

NYT Short Review: Ryan Reynolds plays the emerald-hued superhero in a $150 million diversion.

Poster – Poop Lantern

(My gawwwwwd. Mothers shield the eyes of your children for a horror walks among us. Be gone, Green Lantern poster! Leave us in peace. D-… but only because it’s got a green theme which saves it from being an F.)

Tagline(s) – In brightest day, in blackest night. (C)

(Cool cool cool. Sooooo, you decided to make everything bad and/or lazy. Bold choice.)

Keyword(s) – canada

Top 10: The Matrix Revolutions (2003), X-Men Origins: Wolverine (2009), Venom (2018), The Butterfly Effect (2004), Armageddon (1998), In Time (2011), Transformers: Dark of the Moon (2011), Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen (2009), 2012 (2009), Home Alone 2: Lost in New York (1992)

Future BMT: 90.3 Vampires Suck (2010), 89.9 House of the Dead (2003), 88.6 Dumb and Dumberer: When Harry Met Lloyd (2003), 79.6 Shark Night (2011), 78.9 Daddy Day Camp (2007), 77.2 Superhero Movie (2008), 74.9 Look Who’s Talking Too (1990), 74.0 The Spirit (2008), 73.9 The Next Karate Kid (1994), 73.1 The Turning (2020), 72.5 Mr. Magoo (1997), 71.8 Dance Flick (2009), 69.4 College Road Trip (2008), 68.9 Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen (2004), 68.8 The Santa Clause 3: The Escape Clause (2006), 68.6 Captivity (2007), 68.3 Yogi Bear (2010), 67.3 The Crow: City of Angels (1996), 67.0 The Flintstones (1994), 66.2 In the Mix (2005)

BMT: Battlefield Earth (2000), Catwoman (2004), Dragonball Evolution (2009), Batman & Robin (1997), The Emoji Movie (2017), The Wicker Man (2006), The Cat in the Hat (2003), Superman IV: The Quest for Peace (1987), The Love Guru (2008), Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2 (2004), Crossroads (2002), Halloween: Resurrection (2002), Movie 43 (2013), Barb Wire (1996), RoboCop 3 (1993), Highlander II: The Quickening (1991), Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li (2009), Jason X (2001), Aliens vs. Predator: Requiem (2007), Little Man (2006), Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2 (2015), The Twilight Saga: New Moon (2009), Freddy Got Fingered (2001), After Earth (2013), The Bye Bye Man (2017), Caddyshack II (1988), Big Mommas: Like Father, Like Son (2011), Jonah Hex (2010), Species II (1998), … 

Best Options (Action): 89.9 House of the Dead (2003), 79.6 Shark Night (2011), 77.2 Superhero Movie (2008), 74.0 The Spirit (2008), 73.9 The Next Karate Kid (1994), 71.8 Dance Flick (2009), 67.3 The Crow: City of Angels (1996), 63.5 Skinwalkers (2006), 61.4 G-Force (2009), 59.6 Agent Cody Banks (2003), 58.5 Resident Evil: Retribution (2012), 57.9 Legion (2010), 53.9 Spy Hard (1996), 52.1 Green Lantern (2011), 50.8 The Core (2003), 50.0 Collateral Damage (2002), … (and many more sub-50)

(Not the best, but maybe one of the best we could do with a true blue Canadian star in a true blue giant box office bomb. BTW the plot is odd, but just because there isn’t a particularly good way to just get movies that stars a Canadian. But such is life.)

Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 16) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Ryan Reynolds is No. 1 billed in Green Lantern and No. 1 billed in Hitman’s Wife’s Bodyguard, which also stars Samuel L. Jackson (No. 2 billed) who is in Jumper (No. 3 billed) which also stars Michael Rooker (No. 5 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 4 billed) => (1 + 1) + (2 + 3) + (5 + 4) = 16. If we were to watch Smokin’ Aces we can get the HoE Number down to 11.

Notes – Carol’s line “I’ve seen you naked! You think I wouldn’t recognize you because you covered your cheekbones!” was an ad-lib by Blake Lively.

Ryan Reynolds, who played the protagonist, famously hated the movie. He has admitted to having a poor working relationship with director Martin Campbell and was glad to see the film perform poorly critically and financially, as he did not wish to reprise his role as the Green Lantern. In his later movie Deadpool (2016), he references the Green Lantern in a negative way when he requests a suit that is neither green nor animated while being rolled into the medical room on a gurney; in the sequel Deadpool 2 (2018), he goes back into time, preventing himself from ever taking the Green Lantern role.

Ryan Reynolds met his wife Blake Lively on the set of this film. They would get married in September 2012 and later have four children.

To prepare for his role as Hector Hammond, Peter Sarsgaard spent time with a biologist from Tulane University, who he described as “the most eccentric guy I could find.” They both worked on preparing the lecture Hammond gives in the film.

One of the Green Lanterns, Rot Lop Fan, wears a bell insignia rather than a lantern image on his chest. This is because his world gets almost no sunlight, so they never developed eyesight. Since he has no use for colors and lights, his symbol is an F-Sharp bell, which makes a tone pleasing to his species.

Canadian Bacon Preview

And it’s a fight they wouldn’t have. Together they stand up and reach out their collective hand. “Good show. Very funny,” Jamie and Patrick say through gritted teeth. Kevin James’ features melt and suddenly he’s smiling. They continue on with some banal small talk until KJ (as they have come to call him) bids them goodbye. Before he leaves the Kansas honkytonk he turns to his crowd of admirers and tells them, “the Move Twins are OK in my book.” Soon everyone is patting them on the back and telling them how much they admire the Rich and Poe films, books, comic books, songs, children’s cartoon series, toy lines, clothing, low cal beverages, high cal beverages, cowboy boots, cowboy hats, other hats, Japanese baseball team, and (now defunct) airline. A slow clap is heard from the back of the bar. Drake and Charlie come out from the shadows. Their faces are aglow after secretly witnessing how adeptly Jamie and Patrick were able to circumnavigate Step 1 in the Dudikoff Method for Recovery: Acceptance. “You accepted responsibility for all the terrible things you said about Kevin James in your past addiction,” they explain, “and then congratulated him on dishing it out HARD.” They then go into great detail about all the hilarious ways KJ made them look like total buffoons. “It’s always the most funny when there’s a kernel of truth to the joke,” Drake finishes, which seems a bit unnecessary. But Jamie and Patrick are just glad to be past Step 1. “So what’s next?” they ask. Drake and Charlie become very serious. “Having Kevin James totally own you is a great step. But Kevin James isn’t the only one you hurt,” Drake says solemnly. “What do you guys think of Canada?” Charlie asks, with a glimmer in his eye. That’s right! We are watching Canadian Bacon. Eagle brained readers might be like “But does Canadian Bacon qualify by your unnecessarily strict rules?” and I would say “shut your mouth (but also no (but also, come on it’s Canadian Bacon)).” Rulez are Coolz, of course, but sometimes you gotta throw caution to the wind and risk it for the most Canadian film of all time for our Canada cycle, eh? Let’s go!

Canadian Bacon (1995) – BMeTric: 30.6; Notability: 51

StreetCreditReport.com – BMeTric: top 15.2%; Notability: top 6.8%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 6.9%; Higher BMeT: Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Next Generation, Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers, Lawnmower Man 2: Beyond Cyberspace, Vampire in Brooklyn, Fair Game, Showgirls, Jury Duty, Batman Forever, Mighty Morphin Power Rangers, Congo, Theodore Rex, The Babysitter, Under Siege 2: Dark Territory, A Kid in King Arthur’s Court, Candyman: Farewell to the Flesh, Judge Dredd, Nine Months, The Scarlet Letter, Johnny Mnemonic, Virtuosity, and 18 more; Higher Notability: Batman Forever, Congo, Judge Dredd, Cutthroat Island, Under Siege 2: Dark Territory, Virtuosity, Showgirls, Mighty Morphin Power Rangers, Four Rooms, Money Train, Assassins, Steal Big Steal Little, Panther, Jefferson in Paris, Hackers, Jade, Things to Do in Denver When You’re Dead; Lower RT: The Big Green, National Lampoon’s Senior Trip, Jury Duty, Theodore Rex, Delta of Venus, Top Dog, Born to Be Wild, The Walking Dead, A Kid in King Arthur’s Court, The Hunted, It Takes Two, Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers, Bushwhacked, Lawnmower Man 2: Beyond Cyberspace, Dracula: Dead and Loving It, Fair Game; Notes: Played 68 times on television, on Showtime (37 times), TMC (23 times), and USA (8 times). Played 7 times around primetime, although only once at 8PM, on September 20, 1996, which naturally was its television debut, where it went up against Bushwacked starring Daniel Stern on Cinemax. And yeah, it’s release date was September 22, 1995, so it debuted on television almost precisely one year after. That is an insane Notability for a film barely released to theaters, but it does have an insane number of cameos.

Leonard Maltin – 2.5 stars –  In order to gain a strong platform for re-election, the president of the United States does the unthinkable and declares war on our neighbor to the north, Canada. Moore stumbles with his second film after the terrific Roger & Me. A top cast is wasted in this one-joke premise which lacks the satiric edge it needs.

(Yup, that sounds about right. But still … 2.5 for that review seems generous no? That feels like a 1.5 or even 2 star review somehow. Strange.)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kI5SEOdN7Fc/

(I watched this film so many times when I was a kid. The trailer does a good job at hiding some of the best jokes. It is weird. It is a pretty funny film. It just flags a bit in the third act. Kind of crazy that it basically didn’t get released to theaters.)

Directors – Michael Moore – ( BMT: Canadian Bacon; Notes: Well you know Michael Moore. This is an odd duck. He was apparently inspired by George H. W. Bush’s poll numbers during the Persian Gulf War. It was shot in ‘93 but only got a very limited release (by Madonna’s company) in 1995.)

Writers – Michael Moore – ( BMT: Canadian Bacon; Notes: His only writing credit on a narrative film naturally. He does have a bunch of writing credits for his documentaries. He won an Oscar for Bowling for Columbine.)

Actors – John Candy – ( Known For: National Lampoon’s Vacation; Uncle Buck; JFK; Home Alone; The Blues Brothers; Spaceballs; Little Shop of Horrors; Splash; Stripes; The Great Outdoors; 1941; Cool Runnings; Planes, Trains & Automobiles; Heavy Metal; The Rescuers Down Under; Volunteers; She’s Having a Baby; Follow That Bird; Only the Lonely; The Silent Partner; Future BMT: Rookie of the Year; Career Opportunities; Summer Rental; Armed and Dangerous; Brewster’s Millions; Who’s Harry Crumb?; Once Upon a Crime…; Speed Zone; Delirious; BMT: Nothing But Trouble; Canadian Bacon; Wagons East; Hot to Trot; Notes: This was his last film. Not the last he filmed (that was Wagons East), but it was the last released since it took so long to come to theaters. Nominated for 9 Emmys for SCTV where he won twice.)

Alan Alda – ( Known For: Bridge of Spies; The Aviator; Marriage Story; What Women Want; Wanderlust; Everyone Says I Love You; Tower Heist; The Object of My Affection; Crimes and Misdemeanors; Nothing But the Truth; Same Time, Next Year; Manhattan Murder Mystery; Flirting with Disaster; The Four Seasons; The Mephisto Waltz; California Suite; Flash of Genius; Betsy’s Wedding; Sweet Liberty; Resurrecting the Champ; Future BMT: The Longest Ride; Murder at 1600; Mad City; Whispers in the Dark; A New Life; BMT: Canadian Bacon; Notes: You would obviously know him from M*A*S*H. Nominated for an Oscar for The Aviator, and nominated for 29 Emmys … he won 6 times, mostly for M*A*S*H, but also for The West Wing)

Rhea Perlman – ( Known For: Barbie; Matilda; Sing; You People; The Sessions; 13: The Musical; 10 Items or Less; Lemon; I’ll See You in My Dreams; My Little Pony: The Movie; Movie Madness; The Trouble with Bliss; Marvelous and the Black Hole; Ted & Venus; Funny Face; There Goes the Neighborhood; Swap Meet; Love Child; Enid Is Sleeping; Love Comes Lately; Future BMT: We’re Back! A Dinosaur’s Story; Class Act; Carpool; Poms; Sunset Park; BMT: Canadian Bacon; Notes: And you’d obviously know her from Cheers. She was nominated 10 times for her role in that (including 8 times in a row from 1983 to 1991) and won 4 times.)

Budget/Gross – $11,000,000 / Domestic: $163,971 (Worldwide: $163,971)

(Yeah so … you might ask yourself how this film qualifies for BMT. It is best not to think about it. It was released to less than 100 theaters and was in theaters for like a week.)

Rotten Tomatoes – 12% (2/17)

(The reviews mostly are in the vein of: Moore mis-uses the cast for a shallow mis-fire of a political satire. I mostly just agree that it is a waste of a cast, but the film is more fun that you would think, especially in the first 45 minutes.)

NYT Short Review – Tickles the funny bone, but loses its way.

Poster – Sklogmerican Ham

(Crazy that this was actually the poster. Pretty great. A.)

Tagline(s) – Help America fight the Canadians (I… for I Don’t Know if This is a Tagline)

(I don’t know if I’d call this the tagline… the poster is spoofing propaganda posters, so it has to have words on it. But words a tagline does not make… that’s something I learned long ago.)

Keyword(s) – canada

Top 10: The Matrix Revolutions (2003), X-Men Origins: Wolverine (2009), Venom (2018), The Butterfly Effect (2004), Armageddon (1998), In Time (2011), Transformers: Dark of the Moon (2011), Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen (2009), 2012 (2009), Home Alone 2: Lost in New York (1992)

Future BMT: 90.3 Vampires Suck (2010), 89.9 House of the Dead (2003), 88.6 Dumb and Dumberer: When Harry Met Lloyd (2003), 84.1 Prom Night (2008), 79.6 Shark Night (2011), 78.9 Daddy Day Camp (2007), 77.2 Superhero Movie (2008), 74.9 Look Who’s Talking Too (1990), 74.0 The Spirit (2008), 73.9 The Next Karate Kid (1994), 73.1 The Turning (2020), 72.5 Mr. Magoo (1997), 71.8 Dance Flick (2009), 71.7 Zoom (2006), 69.4 College Road Trip (2008), 68.9 Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen (2004), 68.8 The Santa Clause 3: The Escape Clause (2006), 68.6 Captivity (2007), 68.3 Yogi Bear (2010), 67.3 The Crow: City of Angels (1996)

BMT: Battlefield Earth (2000), Catwoman (2004), Dragonball Evolution (2009), Batman & Robin (1997), The Emoji Movie (2017), The Wicker Man (2006), The Cat in the Hat (2003), Superman IV: The Quest for Peace (1987), The Love Guru (2008), Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2 (2004), Crossroads (2002), Halloween: Resurrection (2002), Movie 43 (2013), Barb Wire (1996), RoboCop 3 (1993), Highlander II: The Quickening (1991), Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li (2009), Jason X (2001), Aliens vs. Predator: Requiem (2007), Little Man (2006), Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2 (2015), The Twilight Saga: New Moon (2009), Freddy Got Fingered (2001), After Earth (2013), The Bye Bye Man (2017), Caddyshack II (1988), Big Mommas: Like Father, Like Son (2011), Jonah Hex (2010), Species II (1998), The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1 (2011), Highlander: The Final Dimension (1994), Halloween II (2009), Year One (2009), It’s Pat: The Movie (1994), Big Momma’s House 2 (2006), Silent Hill: Revelation (2012), My Boss’s Daughter (2003), Ghosts of Mars (2001), Fantasy Island (2020), Tammy (2014), Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III (1993), Superman III (1983), … (and many more)

Best Options (Comedy): 90.3 Vampires Suck (2010), 88.6 Dumb and Dumberer: When Harry Met Lloyd (2003), 78.9 Daddy Day Camp (2007), 77.2 Superhero Movie (2008), 74.9 Look Who’s Talking Too (1990), 72.5 Mr. Magoo (1997), 71.8 Dance Flick (2009), 71.7 Zoom (2006), 69.4 College Road Trip (2008), 68.9 Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen (2004), 68.8 The Santa Clause 3: The Escape Clause (2006), 68.3 Yogi Bear (2010), 67.0 The Flintstones (1994), 66.2 In the Mix (2005), 65.0 Scary Movie 4 (2006), 64.9 An American Carol (2008), 64.5 The Comebacks (2007), 62.1 Cursed (2005), 61.5 Scooby-Doo (2002), 61.3 Deck the Halls (2006), 60.2 Holy Man (1998), 59.9 Jury Duty (1995), 59.7 Hoodwinked 2: Hood vs. Evil (2011), 59.6 Agent Cody Banks (2003), 59.4 Scooby-Doo 2: Monsters Unleashed (2004), 58.7 Scary Movie 2 (2001), 55.2 The Stupids (1996), 54.7 Snow Dogs (2002), 54.6 The Smurfs 2 (2013), 54.4 The Wild (2006), 53.9 Annie (2014), 53.9 Spy Hard (1996), 53.3 Made in America (1993), 53.2 Aloha (2015), … (and many more)

(There were a lot of options, but we really really really wasn’t to get a John Candy in here, and this seemed like a fun option.)

Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 17) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: John Candy is No. 1 billed in Canadian Bacon and No. 2 billed in Hot to Trot, which also stars Virginia Madsen (No. 4 billed) who is in Firewall (No. 3 billed) which also stars Harrison Ford (No. 1 billed) who is in Hollywood Homicide (No. 1 billed) which also stars Josh Hartnett (No. 2 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 3 billed) => (1 + 2) + (4 + 3) + (1 + 1) + (2 + 3) = 17. If we were to watch Murder at 1600, and The Glass House we can get the HoE Number down to 13.

Notes – Final theatrical feature film of actor, comedian, and movie star John Candy, although filming had wrapped on this film before Wagons East (1994), which was released a year earlier.

John Candy, who was born and raised in Canada, plays Sheriff Bud Boomer, who is not only American, but is rabidly anti-Canada.

Alan Alda’s character is never given a name, and is both referred to and credited only as the President of the United States.

The final note in the credits, “To Johnny LaRue – thanks to you, we got our crane shot”, is a reference to one of John Candy’s recurring characters on SCTV Channel (1983) .

Michael Moore was turned down by 47 different film companies before Madonna’s Maverick Productions picked up the option.

The Animal Preview

Jamie and Patrick lay on their deathbeds. The whole Hartford Whalers family surrounds them with tears streaming down their faces. Even the mascot weeps so loudly that you can hear it through his oversized Headless Kevin James costume. It was a joyous ride being the owners of what was now known as the most successful sports franchise in history. Kyle was at first derided as a buffoon with no coaching experience, but soon the players came to understand the secret ingredient to winning: Love. The love Kyle had for his players took them from bottom of the barrel to top of the league in their very first season and from there they won 33 of the last 50 Stanley Cups. And yet… when they should feel most at peace, both Jamie and Patrick couldn’t help but think back on the moment when they kicked Kevin James’ head clean off. Was it right? Was it true? Maybe Kevin James was a secret serial killer so it was OK that they kicked his head clean off. But it wasn’t the case. Kevin James was not a secret serial killer. He wasn’t even a secret serial killer who only killed serial killers. No, Kevin James was just a successful actor that people liked to watch. And they were just the two guys who kicked his head clean off and rode that to the greatest success mankind had ever witnessed. They look at each other and whisper what only they can understand, “We shouldn’t have kicked Kevin James’ head clean off.” With that they die.

Jamie and Patrick wake up from their daydream to find themselves face-to-face with Kevin James, now finished with his satirical comedy act. They tense, their animal instincts gearing up for the fight that they no longer wanted to have. That’s right! Speaking of animal instincts we are jumping like glorious leopards onto the easy prey that is The Animal starring Rob Schneider. I can’t remember if we saw this in theaters, but it’s possible given that I’ve seen the film more than a few times. It serves a nice transition from the Choice Awards cycle (Teen Choice Award nominees for Choice Wipeout) to the Sooooory Cycle starring all our favorite Canadian actors. In this case, Norm MacDonald shows up in a small part. Let’s go! 

The Animal (2001) – BMeTric: 71.4; Notability: 52

StreetCreditReport.com – BMeTric: top 1.6%; Notability: top 8.4%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 28.6%; Higher BMeT: Glitter, Jason X, Freddy Got Fingered, Driven; Higher Notability: Pearl Harbor, Lara Croft: Tomb Raider, Monkeybone, Hannibal, Impostor, Not Another Teen Movie, Ghosts of Mars, Swordfish, Bubble Boy, Scary Movie 2, 15 Minutes, The One, The Affair of the Necklace, Town & Country, I Am Sam, 3000 Miles to Graceland, America’s Sweethearts, Along Came a Spider, Texas Rangers, Don’t Say a Word, and 1 more; Lower RT: Texas Rangers, Soul Survivors, Glitter, All the Queen’s Men, Corky Romano, The Forsaken, Summer Catch, The Wash, Out Cold, Say It Isn’t So, Joe Dirt, Megiddo: The Omega Code 2, What’s the Worst That Could Happen?, Head Over Heels, Freddy Got Fingered, Crocodile Dundee in Los Angeles, Perfume, The Musketeer, Valentine, Double Take, and 48 more; Notes: Let’s see. We’ve seen all the higher BMeTs, and 10 of the top 20 lowest Rotten Tomatoes. Doing pretty well on 2001 it would seem.

Leonard Maltin – BOMB –  A pathetic nobody awakens after a car accident to find that his body organs have been replaced by those of animals (a dog, a dolphin, a horse, etc.). Filled to the brim with bathroom humor, offensive dialogue, gratuitous nudity … everything by genuine comedy. Schneider cowrote; Sandals co-executive produced.

(Shocker there is no mention of Colleen Haskell. That is by far the most notable thing about this film. Anyways, love the BOMB, they are so rare.)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pBwcksgKcFs/

(They ruin a decent gag right at the start with the garage door wall. Having seen this movie a bunch of times, a ton of that trailer isn’t in the movie. Him coming out of the dog house for example. Also … is it being from the producers of Deuce Bigelow supposed to entice me to watch this film?)

Directors – Luke Greenfield – ( Known For: The Girl Next Door; Future BMT: Let’s Be Cops; Half Brothers; BMT: The Animal; Something Borrowed; Notes: The fact that Half Brothers qualifies is a bit nuts to be honest, I have never heard of it at all. He has two upcoming projects but his last major film was Let’s Be Cops which I’m pretty sure was a financial nothing film.)

Writers – Tom Brady – ( Future BMT: The Hot Chick; BMT: The Animal; Notes: Went to Harvard, claims to have discovered Rachel McAdams, and doesn’t have much in the pipeline except a TV show that is maybe coming out next year.)

Rob Schneider – ( Future BMT: The Hot Chick; BMT: Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo; The Animal; Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo; Notes: Much like Sandler seemed to get writing credits on the films he was involved in in the early 2000s. He was of the SNL class that was derided (and fired), but then ended up being considered the best class they had in the 90s.)

Actors – Rob Schneider – ( Known For: 50 First Dates; The Wrong Missy; Home Team; Hubie Halloween; Daddy Daughter Trip; Big Stan; Sandy Wexler; American Virgin; Muppets from Space; You May Not Kiss the Bride; InAPPropriate Comedy; The Reef; Wild Cherry; The Adventures of Panda Warrior; Susan’s Plan; Outback; The Reef 2: High Tide; Wings; Frog Kingdom; Martians Go Home; Future BMT: Click; Big Daddy; The Hot Chick; The Longest Yard; The Waterboy; Mr. Deeds; You Don’t Mess with the Zohan; Grandma’s Boy; Home Alone 2: Lost in New York; Bedtime Stories; Down Periscope; Surf Ninjas; Necessary Roughness; Norm of the North; Eight Crazy Nights; The Adventures of Pinocchio; BMT: Grown Ups; Demolition Man; The Benchwarmers; I Now Pronounce You Chuck & Larry; Judge Dredd; Little Nicky; Little Man; Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo; The Beverly Hillbillies; The Ridiculous 6; Around the World in 80 Days; The Animal; Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo; Knock Off; Notes: He’s a bit of a crank. Heavily anti-vaccine, although that’s been going on for a long time. I can’t tell, but the trailer for Daddy Daughter Trip is harrowing … is it makeup, or does he just look that way now? I have no idea.)

Colleen Haskell – ( BMT: The Animal; Notes: She was 6th in Survivor Season 1, and this is her one and only attempt at acting. Apparently she didn’t like the experience. Five people have wiki pages from season 1, of which she is one.)

John C. McGinley – ( Known For: Se7en; Office Space; Point Break; The Rock; Platoon; Identity; Any Given Sunday; Born on the Fourth of July; Wall Street; 42; The Belko Experiment; World Trade Center; Battle of the Sexes; Fat Man and Little Boy; Set It Off; Get a Job; Nixon; A Midnight Clear; Talk Radio; Mother; Future BMT: Nothing to Lose; Three to Tango; Born to Be Wild; Stealing Harvard; Hear No Evil; BMT: Wild Hogs; The Animal; Summer Catch; Get Carter; Surviving the Game; Alex Cross; On Deadly Ground; Highlander II: The Quickening; Wagons East; Are We Done Yet?; Car 54, Where Are You?; Notes: Hell yeah. He’s a BMT All Star. This is the 11th of his films we’ve done, five. That’s easy peasy. Let’s get on it.)

Budget/Gross – $47,000,000 / Domestic: $57,743,062 (Worldwide: $85,191,134)

(Probably made its money back to some degree … but not by much and it depends on what they got internationally. No wonder The Animal 2 wasn’t even in the cards, even without Haskell.)

Rotten Tomatoes – 30% (25/84): While less offensive and more charming than recent gross-humored comedies, The Animal is still rather mediocre.

(Wow, that is a far more mild review than I would have expected. Huh. It is vaguely funny, and at least has a unique viewpoint I suppose. And looking at the New York Times review I suppose I get it.)

NYT Short Review: The goofy new Rob Schneider comedy isn’t the gross-out farce that its title suggests. … Mr. Schneider brings an endearing innocence to a role that others would have played with a nasty leer.

Poster – The Manimal

(I like some of the bold colors on this, but this is really a classic example of a common poster type in the 2000’s. I’ll call it the Knocked Up. In the Knocked Up they make the not traditionally handsome comedic leading man look slightly stupid and then are basically like “yeah… we really made this guy our leading actor… isn’t that hilarious?”… Knocked Up is the one that really stuck in my mind, but in reality pretty much every Rob Schneider vehicle has this exact poster. C.)

Tagline(s) – He wasn’t much of a man… Now he’s not much of an animal. (C+)

(I understand the first part, I’m not sure I understand the second part very well. But it sounds and feels like a tagline. Just not a particularly great one.)

Keyword(s) – wisdom

Top 10: The Dark Knight (2008), Inception (2010), Forrest Gump (1994), The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring (2001), The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King (2003), The Dark Knight Rises (2012), The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers (2002), Batman Begins (2005), Inglourious Basterds (2009), The Silence of the Lambs (1991)

Future BMT: 88.6 Dumb and Dumberer: When Harry Met Lloyd (2003), 84.0 Prom Night (2008), 83.7 Spy Kids 4: All the Time in the World (2011), 82.2 You Got Served (2004), 80.0 Jonas Brothers: The 3D Concert Experience (2009), 79.6 Nutty Professor II: The Klumps (2000), 78.9 Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked (2011), 77.6 Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakquel (2009), 77.2 Superhero Movie (2008), 72.3 Bewitched (2005), 69.4 College Road Trip (2008), 68.9 Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen (2004), 68.5 Poltergeist (2015), 68.2 Yogi Bear (2010), 65.7 Halloween Ends (2022), 65.7 The Haunting of Molly Hartley (2008), 65.3 Fat Albert (2004), 65.0 Scary Movie 4 (2006), 64.7 The Grudge 2 (2006), 64.5 Darkness Falls (2003)

BMT: Batman & Robin (1997), The Emoji Movie (2017), The Last Airbender (2010), Fifty Shades of Grey (2015), The Cat in the Hat (2003), Crossroads (2002), Norbit (2007), Fantastic Four (2015), From Justin to Kelly (2003), The Master of Disguise (2002), Book of Shadows: Blair Witch 2 (2000), Sex and the City 2 (2010), Space Jam: A New Legacy (2021), xXx: State of the Union (2005), Aliens vs. Predator: Requiem (2007), Fifty Shades Freed (2018), Little Man (2006), Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2 (2015), Taxi (2004), The Twilight Saga: New Moon (2009), Freddy Got Fingered (2001), I Still Know What You Did Last Summer (1998), Zoolander 2 (2016), Kangaroo Jack (2003), Are We Done Yet? (2007), Police Academy 5: Assignment: Miami Beach (1988), The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1 (2011), The Boy Next Door (2015), Wild Wild West (1999), The Animal (2001), Urban Legends: Final Cut (2000), Year One (2009), Are We There Yet? (2005), Marmaduke (2010), Big Momma’s House 2 (2006), The Roommate (2011), Tammy (2014), Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III (1993), … (and many more)

Best Options (canada): 88.6 Dumb and Dumberer: When Harry Met Lloyd (2003), 84.0 Prom Night (2008), 77.2 Superhero Movie (2008), 71.4 The Animal (2001), 69.4 College Road Trip (2008), 68.9 Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen (2004), 68.2 Yogi Bear (2010), 65.7 The Haunting of Molly Hartley (2008), 65.0 Scary Movie 4 (2006), 63.6 Valentine (2001), 61.5 Scooby-Doo (2002), 58.7 Scary Movie 2 (2001), 54.6 The Smurfs 2 (2013), 53.9 Annie (2014), 53.1 Aloha (2015), 52.1 Loser (2000), 51.7 View from the Top (2003), 51.5 Scary Movie 3 (2003), 50.8 Saw 3D (2010), 50.8 Racing Stripes (2005), 49.4 Monster-in-Law (2005), 48.5 White Noise (2005), 48.2 You Don’t Mess with the Zohan (2008), 47.8 Dumb and Dumber To (2014), 47.0 On the Line (2001), 46.7 You, Me and Dupree (2006), 46.5 40 Days and 40 Nights (2002), 43.8 Not Another Teen Movie (2001), 43.8 The Stepfather (2009), 43.6 Chicken Little (2005), 43.3 John Tucker Must Die (2006), 40.9 Resident Evil: Afterlife (2010), 40.6 The Mortal Instruments: City of Bones (2013), 39.8 Semi-Pro (2008), 37.8 Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen (2009), 36.9 The Amityville Horror (2005), 36.6 Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Out of the Shadows (2016), 36.2 The Incredible Burt Wonderstone (2013), 35.4 Rugrats Go Wild (2003), 33.2 The Last Song (2010), 27.9 Transformers: Dark of the Moon (2011), 27.7 Dracula Untold (2014), 27.0 Taking Lives (2004), 25.7 Idle Hands (1999), 24.8 Terminator Genisys (2015), 24.7 The Internship (2013), 22.5 The Shack (2017), 20.9 Charlie St. Cloud (2010), 19.4 Terminator Salvation (2009), 19.4 Kick-Ass 2 (2013), 19.1 Life as We Know It (2010), 17.0 Saw II (2005), 14.8 The Matrix Revolutions (2003), 14.5 If I Stay (2014), 12.8 Home Alone 2: Lost in New York (1992), 12.8 The Island (2005), 12.7 The Vow (2012), 9.0 The Longest Ride (2015), 7.8 The Time Traveler’s Wife (2009), 3.1 The Butterfly Effect (2004)

(We went high up for this guy. Norm is only kind of in it, but it counts! And obviously The Animal was awards some Kids’ Choice. How could Kids not love this stuff, he almost has sex with a goat!)

Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 13) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Rob Schneider is No. 1 billed in The Animal and No. 1 billed in Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo, which also stars William Forsythe (No. 2 billed) who is in 88 Minutes (No. 5 billed) which also stars Leelee Sobieski (No. 3 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 1 billed) => (1 + 1) + (2 + 5) + (3 + 1) = 13. If we were to watch Norm of the North we can get the HoE Number down to 9.

Notes – This is Colleen Haskell’s debut as an actress after being one of the final contenders in the first season of Survivor (2000). Rob Schneider said that working with Haskell was one of the unexpected pleasures of making the film.

The newspaper clipping of Marvin’s father features the face of Rob Schneider’s actual father, Marvin (to whom the movie is dedicated) photoshopped onto a police officer. Also, the car in which the lead character has his road accident was originally owned by Marvin Schneider (although several duplicates were also used in the crash sequence).

In both audio commentaries on the Uncut version of the DVD, it is mentioned that Harry Dean Stanton played the part of a hunter staking out the Man-Beast in the forest, but nearly all of the footage ended up on the cutting room floor. He can still be seen, uncredited, being attacked in once scene after Marvin asks Rianna to tie him up.

In June 2001, Newsweek revealed that print ads for at least four movies released by Columbia Pictures, including this one and A Knight’s Tale (2001), contained glowing comments from a film reviewer who didn’t exist. The fake critic, “David Manning,” was the friend of someone who worked in Columbia’s advertising department, and agreed to let his friend use his name. Manning was misrepresented as a reviewer for the Ridgefield Press, a real-life weekly paper out of Ridgefield, Connecticut.

Director Luke Greenfield’s mother deliberately hung around on-set because she was a big fan of Edward Asner.

Awards – Nominee for the Razzie Award for Worst Actor of the Decade (Rob Schneider)

Eddie Preview

Jamie and Patrick look out over BMaGOFHQ and see the empire they built over the last decade. It’s not easy combining the sharp wit of bad movie criticism with the great taste of Good Ooze, their flagship product of what became their much more lucrative beverage and (eventually) petroleum business. A statue of Scott Bakula stands towering over their busily working employees. At a certain point they had contemplated releasing the secret to Good Ooze’s great taste, but when Scott Bakula asked them on his deathbed to never reveal the secret they agreed to keep it hidden forever. But really it should be obvious. It’s like asking what makes Here on Earth go down so smooth? What makes your heart race every time you see Jeff Fahey, Bo Derek, and a motorcycle in the same room? What made the moment they kicked Kevin James’ head clean off so special to so many people? The answer is easy: Love. Sugar, water, and love. That’s all Great Ooze ever was. Kyle comes into the office bringing samples of their latest petroleum product: New Gasoline. “The third one tastes the best,” Jamie says, and everyone agrees. “But how does it align with our mission statement?” Patrick asks as they all look towards the banner hanging in their office. “Would Scott Bakula Drink This?” it asks, and in tiny letters below that, “It’s OK That You Kicked Kevin James’ Head Clean Off.” They all nod their heads. Just as Kyle is about to leave he mentions off hand about the big news. Jamie and Patrick are confused. What news? “The Caroline Hurricanes… they’re up for sale.” Jamie and Patrick are taken aback. Why didn’t anyone call them? “Call up Hartford!” they scream to their secretary. “And get ready… coach,” they say to Kyle. That’s right! We are watching Eddie, the Whoopi Goldberg comedy that came at the heyday of Whoopi. People literally couldn’t get enough of her and she has the People’s/Teen/Kids Choice Awards to show for it. For Bring a Friend we grabbed a film that aired on the only day we could find where Eddie played on TV (4/25/1999), Undefeatable. It’s a Cynthia Rothrock film, so just a couple of films featuring female leads. What a connection. Let’s go!

Eddie (1996) – BMeTric: 45.5; Notability: 61

StreetCreditReport.com – BMeTric: top 6.8%; Notability: top 3.2%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 15.7%; Higher BMeT: Barb Wire, Kazaam, Striptease, Bio-Dome, The Island of Dr. Moreau, The Crow: City of Angels, Ed, Hellraiser: Bloodline, The Stupids, Spy Hard, Mr. Wrong, Poison Ivy II, D3: The Mighty Ducks, Solo, The Glimmer Man, First Kid, Eddie; Higher Notability: The Fan, Jingle All the Way, Spy Hard, Chain Reaction, Daylight, Up Close & Personal, Mulholland Falls, The Associate; Lower RT: The Dentist, Big Bully, Ed, Ripe, Bio-Dome, Kazaam, Mr. Wrong, Spy Hard, Eye for an Eye, Bulletproof, Celtic Pride, Solo, Curdled, House Arrest, The Glimmer Man, The Crow: City of Angels, In Love and War, Larger Than Life, Down Periscope, Dear God, and 17 more; Notes: Barb Wire: played 47 times in the 90s. Kazaam: 25. Striptease: 39. Bio-Dome: 44 (including Christmas 1997). The Island of Dr. Moreau: only 4 (I think this is one of those times of trying to force home video rental / sales, it only started playing in July 1999 according to my data). This played only once according to the data, but I have a feeling it might be wrong in this particular case. The notability is pretty solid.

RogerEbert.com – 1.5 stars – “Eddie” begins with Whoopi Goldberg playing a limousine dispatcher who does a play-by-play of Knicks games over the radio to her drivers. It ends with Whoopi as the coach of the New York Knicks, who are headed for the NBA playoffs. This sounds like a sensational scenario, but, alas, almost everything in between is recycled out of lightweight sports-movie cliches, and the movie never captures the electricity and excitement of the real NBA. … The movie’s underlying plot doesn’t amount to much, either, with Wild Bill as the evil capitalist who wants to sell the team to St. Louis. How Eddie counters this desire is something I will not reveal, except to say I seriously doubt that there is a single referee in the NBA who would let her get away with it.

(I’ll also try and not spoil anything, but Ebert is right and wrong here. Yeah, they wouldn’t have allowed her to get away with it, but also the actual result (the Knicks forfeit) would have played right into Eddie’s hands. If the movie had any balls that would have been the actual result: a triumphant forfeit with Eddie suspended from coaching for a year or something.)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_iuDUSj5jaI/

(The trailer ending on a small dick joke is just classic 90s. The movie? Looks awful, like what’s really the point, you know all the story beats that are going to happen? Dumb.)

Directors – Steve Rash – ( Known For: Can’t Buy Me Love; The Buddy Holly Story; Under the Rainbow; Good Advice; Crooked Arrows; Queens Logic; Future BMT: Son in Law; Held Up; BMT: Eddie; Notes: No joke, Can’t Buy Me Love is basically one of the most “TV film” film in history. Nearly 100 times in the 90s, crazy stuff. He basically started doing those cheap direct-to-video sequels (American Pie Presents, Bring it On 4, that kind of this) in the early 2000s.)

Writers – Steve Zacharias and Jeff Buhai – ( Known For: Revenge of the Nerds; The Harrad Experiment; Last Resort; The Whoopee Boys; Future BMT: Revenge of the Nerds II: Nerds in Paradise; Johnny Be Good; BMT: In the Army Now; Eddie; Notes: He only wrote the first Revenge of the Nerds, the others are character credits. I’m just going to vaguely restate Zacharais’ sole IMDb trivia which is that he was his school’s best athlete in fourth grade. Genuinely on IMDb.)

Jon Connolly – ( Known For: The Dream Team; BMT: Eddie; Notes: Died in 2021. The Dream Team is a weird looking film.)

David Loucka – ( Known For: The Dream Team; Future BMT: House at the End of the Street; Dream House; BMT: Rings; Eddie; Notes: Seems like he was Connolly’s writing partner at the time, but eventually split off to make horror films instead.)

Eric Champnella – ( Known For: Thunderstruck; Mr. 3000; Alex & Me; BMT: Eddie; Notes: No joke seems to just be a writer they pull in to punch up sports comedies?)

Keith Mitchell – ( Known For: Mr. 3000; BMT: Eddie; Notes: Same thing! He was just a guy who exclusively punched up sports comedies!)

Dale Launer – ( Known For: My Cousin Vinny; Dirty Rotten Scoundrels; Ruthless People; Love Potion No. 9; Future BMT: Blind Date; BMT: The Hustle; Notes: The son of a character actor who seemed to have been most well known for playing a judge on Perry Mason. Claims he made up the term “dead on balls accurate” for Mona Lisa Vito in My Cousin Vinny)

Actors – Whoopi Goldberg – ( Known For: The Lion King; The Player; Girl, Interrupted; The Deep End of the Ocean; Ghost; Toy Story 3; Luck; In & Out; The Color Purple; Till; Sister Act; Rat Race; Star Trek: Generations; The Muppets; A Little Bit of Heaven; The Adventures of Rocky & Bullwinkle; Boys on the Side; My Father’s Dragon; How Stella Got Her Groove Back; Ghosts of Mississippi; Future BMT: The Little Rascals; Sister Act 2: Back in the Habit; Star Trek: Nemesis; The Pagemaster; Madea Goes to Jail; Loaded Weapon 1; Bordello of Blood; For Colored Girls; Nobody’s Fool; Jumpin’ Jack Flash; Racing Stripes; Corrina, Corrina; Made in America; House Party 2; Kingdom Come; Moonlight and Valentino; Fatal Beauty; Burglar; The Associate; BMT: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles; Monkeybone; Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2; Theodore Rex; Eddie; Notes: Y’all know Whoopi. She has a crazy number of qualifying films. She has done like 1000 episodes of The View. Still does it by the looks of it. Nominated for two Oscars, one for The Color Purple and then she won a surprise victory for Ghost.)

Frank Langella – ( Known For: Lolita; Captain Fantastic; Superman Returns; The Trial of the Chicago 7; Noah; The Ninth Gate; Small Soldiers; Dave; Draft Day; All Good Things; The Men’s Club; The Box; Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps; Unknown; The Tale of Despereaux; Muppets Most Wanted; Good Night, and Good Luck.; Dracula; Frost/Nixon; 5 to 7; Future BMT: Junior; Sweet November; Brainscan; BMT: Masters of the Universe; Body of Evidence; Cutthroat Island; 1492: Conquest of Paradise; Eddie; Notes: Pretty surprising he has only been nominated for one Oscar for Frost/Nixon. According to reports he decided to be Skeletor in Masters of the Universe because it seemed fun.)

Dennis Farina – ( Known For: Saving Private Ryan; Snatch; Manhunter; Out of Sight; Thief; Midnight Run; Get Shorty; Bottle Shock; Code of Silence; Romeo Is Bleeding; Big Trouble; You Kill Me; That Old Feeling; The Grand; Authors Anonymous; Jo Jo Dancer, Your Life Is Calling; Knucklehead; Sidewalks of New York; Purple Violets; Bagboy; Future BMT: Little Big League; Paparazzi; Striking Distance; Havana; The Mod Squad; Another Stakeout; Stealing Harvard; BMT: What Happens in Vegas; Reindeer Games; Eddie; Notes: Famously didn’t act until he was 37-years-old and then he was cast by Michael Mann as the lead role in Crime Story. Was a Chicago Police officer for 18 years.)

Budget/Gross – $30 million / Domestic: $31,387,164 (Worldwide: $31,387,164)

(Yeah … that’s no good. But what can you expect? It is a sports comedy starring Whoopi Goldberg. It’s just a bizarre combination.)

Rotten Tomatoes – 16% (6/37): Whoopi Goldberg may demonstrate that she can coach a basketball team with the best of them, but not even she can whip this dreary script into shape.

(Yeah, it really is just a poor concept, poor writing, no-laugh comedy. To be frank, it genuinely is a bizarre film where the sole joy is trying to figure out who the Knicks player with long blonde hair is.)

Reviewer Highlight: Avid basketball fan becomes Knicks head coach.  Savvy, good-humored Cinderella story.

Poster – Coach Looks Like a Lady

(I’m actually offended by this poster. From the image down to the tagline, it’s playing into the worst stereotype of women in sports (mostly applied to women journalists). Like she’s placed in a shower with the players and then the tagline is basically like ‘ooh la la, she’s checking out these hunks.’ Weird, bad, and the most offensive part? It has nothing to do with the movie! That’s barely touched on in the film! I think there is one gag played early on, but I don’t even remember because it has so little relevance to the majority of the film. F.)

Tagline(s) – The Newest Coach In The NBA Has Got The Knicks Right Where She Wants Them. (F)

(Yeah, so I’m going to give this one an F to go with the poster’s F. In this case the most offensive part is how long it is. I’m actually surprised the NBA didn’t have the juice or wherewithal to veto this. The Patriot’s Lisa Olson scandal happened just six years earlier.)

Keyword(s) – wisdom

Top 10: The Dark Knight (2008), Inception (2010), Forrest Gump (1994), The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring (2001), The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King (2003), The Dark Knight Rises (2012), The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers (2002), Batman Begins (2005), Inglourious Basterds (2009), The Silence of the Lambs (1991)

Future BMT: 88.6 Dumb and Dumberer: When Harry Met Lloyd (2003), 84.0 Prom Night (2008), 83.7 Spy Kids 4: All the Time in the World (2011), 82.2 You Got Served (2004), 80.0 Jonas Brothers: The 3D Concert Experience (2009), 79.6 Nutty Professor II: The Klumps (2000), 78.9 Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked (2011), 77.6 Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakquel (2009), 77.2 Superhero Movie (2008), 72.3 Bewitched (2005), 71.4 The Animal (2001), 69.4 College Road Trip (2008), 68.9 Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen (2004), 68.5 Poltergeist (2015), 68.2 Yogi Bear (2010), 65.7 Halloween Ends (2022), 65.7 The Haunting of Molly Hartley (2008), 65.3 Fat Albert (2004), 65.0 Scary Movie 4 (2006), 64.7 The Grudge 2 (2006)

BMT: Batman & Robin (1997), The Emoji Movie (2017), The Last Airbender (2010), Fifty Shades of Grey (2015), The Cat in the Hat (2003), Crossroads (2002), Norbit (2007), Fantastic Four (2015), From Justin to Kelly (2003), The Master of Disguise (2002), Book of Shadows: Blair Witch 2 (2000), Sex and the City 2 (2010), Space Jam: A New Legacy (2021), xXx: State of the Union (2005), Aliens vs. Predator: Requiem (2007), Fifty Shades Freed (2018), Little Man (2006), Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2 (2015), Taxi (2004), The Twilight Saga: New Moon (2009), Freddy Got Fingered (2001), I Still Know What You Did Last Summer (1998), Zoolander 2 (2016), Kangaroo Jack (2003), Are We Done Yet? (2007), Police Academy 5: Assignment: Miami Beach (1988), The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1 (2011), The Boy Next Door (2015), Wild Wild West (1999), Urban Legends: Final Cut (2000), Year One (2009), Are We There Yet? (2005), Marmaduke (2010), Big Momma’s House 2 (2006), The Roommate (2011), Tammy (2014), Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III (1993), … (and many more)

Best Options (Whoopi Goldberg): 62.3 Madea Goes to Jail (2009), 50.8 Racing Stripes (2005), 45.5 Eddie

(This is … fake? Weird. Basically, Eddie definitely was nominated for a Kids’ Choice. I suppose either because it was for her as an actress (instead of for the movie?). Hard to tell really. It should be there. I’ll add it. But yeah, it is because I only counted movies nominated, not people,  in the cycle at this point.)

Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 12) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Richard Jenkins is No. 4 billed in Eddie and No. 5 billed in Say It Isn’t So, which also stars Chris Klein (No. 1 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 2 billed) => (4 + 5) + (1 + 2) = 12. If we were to watch Corrina, Corrina we can get the HoE Number down to 10.

Notes – The New York Knicks home games were filmed at the Charlotte Coliseum, home of the Charlotte Hornets. Only exteriors of Madison Square Garden were featured. For the final game, Hornets fans were told to cheer against the Hornets.

Many of the players and coaches portrayed in the movie were associated with actual teams: Dennis Rodman, who appears in this movie with the San Antonio Spurs, was already on the Chicago Bulls at the time of the movies release; Mark Jackson, who portrays one of the Knicks players “Taylor,” was actually drafted and played for the Knicks in the late 1980s and early 1990s; Larry Johnson, the Knicks’ biggest rival in the movie, actually went on to play for the Knicks one year after the movie was released; 3 actual New York Knicks during the time of filming had a cameo in the playground pickup scene…. John Starks, Anthony Mason, and Herb Williams all appeared during the pickup scene in the playground; and Kurt Rambis, who who would go on to coach the New York Knicks from 2014 to 2018, portrays the Lakers’ head coach in the film. Rambis would actually go on the coach the Lakers on an interim basis in 1999, but was only an assistant coach at the time of filming.

While the New York Knicks have been considered one of the worst teams in the NBA at various points in time, they were actually considered to be one of the best during the 1995-1996 season, which was when Eddie (1996) was first released into theaters. Although the movie portrayed them to be the worst, the real life Knicks had just appeared in the NBA Finals 2 years prior to the films release in 1994, losing to the Houston Rockets. As of 2023, the Knicks have not made it to the NBA Finals since 1999, and have not won since 1973.

The Cleveland Cavaliers’ uniforms were the only visiting teams’ uniforms that did not accurately match those of their true-to-life uniforms.

Both Richard Jenkins, who plays assistant coach Carl Zimmer, and Frank Langella, who plays Wild Bill Burgess, would both go on to be nominated for the Academy Award for Best Actor in a Leading Role in 2008.

Awards – Nominee for the Razzie Award for Worst Actress (Whoopi Goldberg)

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III Preview

Jamie and Patrick look over the bustling BMF HQ. With the help of Scott Bakula’s international name recognition they’re back and better than ever. Kyle comes up and hands them the latest article for the site: Yes We Manne-Can, The Best Mannequin Films of 2015-2025. It’s brilliant. “I’m just glad I can help out, considering that it was not long ago that I was running BMT and you were trying to figure out how to be good.” Jamie and Patrick laugh a little. “And to think,” Jamie says softly with a smirk, “it was here all along. Family is good.” They triple bro hug. Everything has been coming up Jamie and Patrick since they kicked Kevin James’ head clean off. “Patrick?” Jamie says thoughtfully, “do you ever wish we hadn’t kicked Kevin James’ head clean off?” You can see Patrick turn the question over in his head. A moment of clarity crosses his face as it finally dawns on him exactly what they did that fateful day. He opens his mouth, struggling to express the myriad of emotions he is feeling, “No. No I don’t.” Kyle and Jamie exhale in relief. They triple bro hug again and the whole company erupts in cheers at the beautiful expression of family love, which represents the majesty of Bad Movie Family. They cheers with cans of Bud Light. As Patrick takes a deep draught he is left with a glowing green beer-stache. “Woah, what’s that?” Kyle says and grabs at Patrick’s can. It’s filled with a thick green liquid. “Oh, yeah, it’s just a little thing I invented. I call it Ooze.” Kyle takes a drink and his eyes go wide. “It’s like Mountain Dew flavored Bud Light. It’s… amazing. What’s the secret?” Patrick eyes Jamie. Is he thinking what he’s thinking? That’s right! We are getting a blast from the past with the original Justice League, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Both The Secret of the Ooze and Turtles in Time qualify, but you better believe I’ll also be watching the original. TMNT4Life! Let’s go!

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III (1993) – BMeTric: 67.7; Notability: 46

StreetCreditReport.com – BMeTric: top 1.6%; Notability: top 9.6%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 12.6%; Higher BMeT: Super Mario Bros., RoboCop 3, Jason Goes to Hell: The Final Friday, Look Who’s Talking Now; Higher Notability: Last Action Hero, Hocus Pocus, Sister Act 2: Back in the Habit, The Meteor Man, Coneheads, RoboCop 3, We’re Back! A Dinosaur’s Story, Rising Sun, The Three Musketeers, Life with Mikey, Son of the Pink Panther, Loaded Weapon 1, Super Mario Bros., Indecent Proposal, Once Upon a Forest, Made in America, Look Who’s Talking Now, Sliver, Josh and S.A.M., Dennis the Menace, and 4 more; Lower RT: Look Who’s Talking Now, Deadfall, Warlock: The Armageddon, Golden Gate, Son of the Pink Panther, RoboCop 3, Mr. Nanny, Hexed, Weekend at Bernie’s II, Ghost in the Machine, Best of the Best II, Father Hood, Carnosaur, Surf Ninjas, Pumpkinhead II: Blood Wings, My Boyfriend’s Back, Only the Strong, Cop & ½, Sliver, Gunmen, and 10 more; Notes: In my child brain from 1993 I always had the impression that this was like … not released to theaters. But really, I was just too young at the time to go to theaters. Incredibly this played 56 times on television. Last Action Hero: 110. Hocus Pocus: 60. Sister Act 2: Back in the Habit: 38. Given that Hocus Pocus was on constantly (albeit once a year mostly) this must have been huuuuuge.

Leonard Maltin – 2 stars –  The guys bolt the sewer for feudal Japan to help rebel villagers conquer an evil lord. Seven Samurai it ain’t (nor Russ Meyer’s The Seven Minutes either), but those who still care will find a more mellowed-out Turtles saga, complete with lecture by Raphael on the dangers of violence. Like totally Woodstock, dude!

(The ending line is something else. I do find it interesting that Ebert gave the prior installment 1 star, and Maltin gave that one 1.5 as well. So he genuinely seems to find the third to be better than the second, counter to the rest of the critical reception.)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w2dNvVdz3js/

(What a goddamn needle drop after like 20 seconds of dancing around the fact that this is a TMNT film. Demented that they went for the time travel storyline in the third film though. Didn’t even get to do Krang.)

Directors – Stuart Gillard – ( Known For: Kart Racer; A Man Called Sarge; Future BMT: Paradise; RocketMan; BMT: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III; Notes: Nominated for an Emmy for the Sonny and Cher Show in 1976. He’s a pretty huge producer for television these days, most recently for So Help Me Todd.)

Writers – Kevin Eastman and Peter Laird – ( Known For: The Lego Movie; Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles; Rise of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: The Movie; Heavy Metal 2000; Future BMT: TMNT; BMT: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles; Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze; Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III; Notes: By all accounts this story is pretty much ripped from the pages of an actual TMNT comic, so them getting credits is more that sensical.)

Stuart Gillard – ( Known For: If You Could See What I Hear; Spring Fever; A Man Called Sarge; Future BMT: Paradise; BMT: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III; Notes: This basically ended his writing career? He wrote Mega Piranha a little after. A Man Called Sarge? 500 votes on IMDb, and played 24 times in the 90s.)

Actors – Elias Koteas – ( Known For: Shooter; Shutter Island; Zodiac; Now You See Me; The Curious Case of Benjamin Button; Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles; The Thin Red Line; Crash; My Days of Mercy; Gattaca; Fallen; Let Me In; Some Kind of Wonderful; The Last Days on Mars; Apt Pupil; Exotica; The Greatest Game Ever Played; The Prophecy; The Killer Inside Me; She’s Having a Baby; Future BMT: The Fourth Kind; Collateral Damage; Dream House; Skinwalkers; Look Who’s Talking Too; Desperate Hours; Almost an Angel; Lost Souls; BMT: The Haunting in Connecticut; Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III; Devil’s Knot; Notes: Became a pretty big TV star in the 2000s. 100 episodes of Chicago P.D. Was on the somewhat resurgent fourth season of The Killing. Character actor throughout the 90s.)

Paige Turco – ( Known For: Invincible; Books of Blood; Urbania; The Pompatus of Love; Rhinoceros Eyes; The Favor; Dead Funny; Future BMT: The Stepfather; BMT: The Game Plan; Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze; Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III; Notes: Was originally a dancer until an injury ended the possibility of that being a career. Got this part because the previous April O’Neil basically quit.)

Stuart Wilson – ( Known For: The Rock; Hot Fuzz; Vertical Limit; Enemy of the State; The Mask of Zorro; The Age of Innocence; Grindhouse; Lethal Weapon 3; No Escape; Death and the Maiden; Fascination; Unstoppable; Wetherby; Dulcima; The Luzhin Defence; The Prisoner of Zenda; Perfect Creature; Edie & Pen; Fool’s Mate; BMT: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III; Exit to Eden; Here on Earth; Notes: Was a big British theater actor in the 70s and 80s. Then started getting parts in British television in the 80s. And then because a villain (basically) in 90s in films like Lethal Weapon 3.)

Budget/Gross – $21,000,000 / Domestic: $42,273,609 (Worldwide: $42,273,609)

(Yeah that is basically a wash for a film like this back in the day. It would have been banking on home video to give them the real bang for their buck. But they ended up converting the fourth film to television, which also makes sense.)

Rotten Tomatoes – 19% (6/32): It’s a case of one sequel too many for the heroes in a half shell, with a tired time-travel plot gimmick failing to save the franchise from rapidly diminishing returns.

(Yeah, the time travel bit I remember not being impressed with, even as a seven year old. Very tired, and a fairly obvious ploy to get kids to buy different toys with different costumes.)

NY Times Short Review: Fighting Samurai dynasties. Less violent, more scenic.

Poster – TMNT III: Turtle Time Through Time

(No one can seriously come in here and tell you that this isn’t a very cool poster. It’s so cool that I wondered “who made this?” and when I found out it was Morgan Weistling I thought “wait, haven’t I talked about him before?” The answer is yes. I talked about him while raving about the Police Academy posters. A.)

Tagline(s) – Ancient Japan, 1593. Without a map. Without a clue. Without a pizza. (B-)

(Give me dat year. Right on the poster. Nice. It’s a little long, but once you get past the setting you get a nice Rule of Three and it’s fun in a slightly nonsensical way.)

Keyword(s) – wisdom

Top 10: The Dark Knight (2008), Inception (2010), Forrest Gump (1994), The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring (2001), The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King (2003), The Dark Knight Rises (2012), The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers (2002), Batman Begins (2005), Inglourious Basterds (2009), The Silence of the Lambs (1991)

Future BMT: 88.6 Dumb and Dumberer: When Harry Met Lloyd (2003), 84.0 Prom Night (2008), 83.6 Spy Kids 4: All the Time in the World (2011), 82.2 You Got Served (2004), 80.0 Jonas Brothers: The 3D Concert Experience (2009), 79.6 Nutty Professor II: The Klumps (2000), 78.8 Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked (2011), 77.6 Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakquel (2009), 77.2 Superhero Movie (2008), 72.3 Bewitched (2005), 71.4 The Animal (2001), 69.4 College Road Trip (2008), 68.9 Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen (2004), 68.5 Poltergeist (2015), 68.2 Yogi Bear (2010), 65.7 Halloween Ends (2022), 65.6 The Haunting of Molly Hartley (2008), 65.3 Fat Albert (2004), 65.0 Scary Movie 4 (2006), 64.7 The Grudge 2 (2006)

BMT: Batman & Robin (1997), The Emoji Movie (2017), The Last Airbender (2010), Fifty Shades of Grey (2015), The Cat in the Hat (2003), Crossroads (2002), Norbit (2007), Fantastic Four (2015), From Justin to Kelly (2003), The Master of Disguise (2002), Book of Shadows: Blair Witch 2 (2000), Sex and the City 2 (2010), Space Jam: A New Legacy (2021), xXx: State of the Union (2005), Aliens vs. Predator: Requiem (2007), Fifty Shades Freed (2018), Little Man (2006), Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2 (2015), Taxi (2004), The Twilight Saga: New Moon (2009), Freddy Got Fingered (2001), I Still Know What You Did Last Summer (1998), Zoolander 2 (2016), Kangaroo Jack (2003), Are We Done Yet? (2007), Police Academy 5: Assignment: Miami Beach (1988), The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1 (2011), The Boy Next Door (2015), Wild Wild West (1999), Urban Legends: Final Cut (2000), Year One (2009), Are We There Yet? (2005), Marmaduke (2010), Big Momma’s House 2 (2006), The Roommate (2011), Tammy (2014), Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III (1993), … (and many more)

Best Options (daddio): 67.6 Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III (1993), 46.3 Daddy Day Care (2003)

(There is it. It is pretty funny how few options we had. Although I did learn that I didn’t include films nominated for an actor’s performance (like Whoopi Goldberg for Eddie, so there was probably actually tons of options).)

Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 12) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Stuart Wilson is No. 3 billed in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III and No. 9 billed in Here on Earth, => (3 + 9) = 12. There is no shorter path at the moment.

Notes – Starting in this film, All Effects Company took over and worked on the animatronic effects for the turtles and Splinter costumes. Jim Henson’s Creature Shop was the company who worked on the mutant creatures in the previous two movies.

Producers invited Corey Feldman to reprise his role from the first film as Donatello. The filmmakers told Corey they felt bad about not casting him for Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze (1991). However, when Corey asked for more money than the $1500 he was paid on Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (1990), Corey was told, “yeah, but you were in rehab.” Corey was denied the raise, and was again paid only $1500.

This film was originally going to be followed by a fourth installment in the franchise, “TMNT: The Next Mutation.” In this concept, the Ooze that transformed the Turtles and Splinter was still in their bodies, causing a much more drastic second mutation. Another plan that was discussed was to add a fifth turtle named Kirby (named after comic artist Jack Kirby). However, the project got stuck in development and plans for a fourth theatrical live action movie fell apart. The concept of having the Turtles mutate into creatures did see the light of day in the ‘New Mutation’ saga of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (1987) cartoon. Later, the live action “Next Mutation” installment moved to television in a live-action series produced by Saban, titled Ninja Turtles: The Next Mutation (1997). This series delivered on the promise of a fifth turtle, but changed it to a female turtle named Venus De Milo.

Mark Caso (The performer inside the Leonardo costume), is the only cast to return from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze (1991). Brian Tochi (The voice of Leonardo) and Robbie Rist (The voice of Michaelangelo) are the only actors who appeared in all three movies in the trilogy. Corey Feldman who appeared in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (1990) makes his return as the voice of Donatello.

The concept for this movie is loosely based on a story called “Masks” from issues #46 and #47 of the original Mirage comics. The story features the Turtles and Renet traveling back to Feudal Japan to fight an evil shogun and engage in samurai battles.