Based on a Book – Bad Movie Twins

Paranoia Preview

“I don’t think that’s what the phrase ‘An Eye for an Eye’ means,” Kyle chimes in. Patrick shakes his head ruefully at what a fool Kyle is. “It does in this case, Kyle,” he says smugly, an extremely smug smirk on his face. “Because he will give us the apple of our eye (the reboot of the century, Fresh Horses) in exchange for the irreplaceable eye of one of us for his other major motion picture he’s got in the pipeline.” Kyle assumes that Patrick must be referring to his own special eye for the art of mise-en-scène or Jamie’s perfect eye for 80’s style muscle montages. He’s shocked to find both Patrick and Jamie staring intently at him instead. “Who? Little ol’ me? I don’t think so. The only film I’d be any good at would be a sequel of…” he gasps. He doesn’t dare say what his heart and brain (and not, to be crude, but his loins) could hope for at this moment. He croaks something incomprehensible and Jamie and Patrick embrace him as he weeps like a small child. “It’s true, Kyle,” Patrick says tenderly. “Marty is making Mannequin 3: Movin’ and Groovin’. And he’s using your script.” Jamie nods along, having remembered that they had sent the script around town ages ago, but you know, these things can take a while. “He says he only put Fresh Horses ahead of it on his schedule because he heard you were busy with the Platonic Solids Series. I assume you want to do it?” Patrick asks and Kyle nods, still blubbering like a child. “So it’s settled, we’re directing Fresh Horses!” Jamie says gleefully. But another strange look has crossed Patrick’s face. “What is it?” Jamie asks. Patrick purses his lips. “It all just seems strangely… convenient.” That’s right! Patrick is getting a little paranoid and so are we as we watch Paranoia. Both Patrick and I have independently seen this film before. Why? Neither of us can remember. Good sign. Let’s go!

Paranoia (2013) – BMeTric: 44.2; Notability: 24

StreetCreditReport.com – BMeTric: top 8.8%; Notability: top 3.6%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 2.5%; Higher BMeT: Scary Movie 5, Movie 43, The Starving Games, After Earth, Getaway, Texas Chainsaw 3D, A Good Day to Die Hard, A Haunted House, Tarzan, Grown Ups 2, The Smurfs 2, The Colony, The Counselor, The Green Inferno, Killing Season, R.I.P.D., The Last Days on Mars, Machete Kills, Runner Runner, The Big Wedding, and 2 more; Higher Notability: Movie 43, The Lone Ranger, Gangster Squad, Kick-Ass 2, Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters, A Good Day to Die Hard, Scary Movie 5, After Earth, Texas Chainsaw 3D; Lower RT: I Spit on Your Grave 2, The Starving Games, Getaway, Scary Movie 5, Movie 43, The Big Wedding; Notes: It is hard to tell because 2013 was one of those years where I was watching bad movies outside of BMT in a weird way. Like, I’ve seen Smurfs 2, but it isn’t BMT. Machete Kills I’ve seen, but I can’t remember if we did it officially. Texas Chainsaw 3D I think is the one we haven’t done for BMT, but it might have been. See, confusing. I think we’ve seen 11 of the top 20 BMeTs though. This gets closer than I would think.

RogerEbert.com – 1 star – The last time that Harrison Ford and Gary Oldman shared the screen together, the former was politely but firmly imploring the latter to get off of his plane in the somber 1997 docudrama “Air Force One.” Now, after all these years, the two have reunited for the slightly less plausible “Paranoia” and once again find themselves going down in flames, this time inadvertently. Here is a film that clearly wants to be a gripping techno-thriller but feels as if it was designed both by and for people who still have not quite figured out how to get their Kindles to work.

(Huge zinger, and also 100% correct. It is a completely braindead movie which can’t even figure out how to make Liam Hemsworth look like a nerd. It is a very weird film.)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0bdZWrW6HnA/

(That trailer is legit the entire movie. And yeah, can you tell it is super terrible.)

Directors – Robert Luketic – ( Known For: Legally Blonde; Win a Date with Tad Hamilton!; Titsiana Booberini; The Wedding Year; Future BMT: Monster-in-Law; The Ugly Truth; 21; BMT: Killers; Paranoia; Notes: Austrailian. Has kind of bounced around doing television since this film.)

Writers – Joseph Finder – ( Future BMT: High Crimes; BMT: Paranoia; Notes: Wrote the novel. High Crimes with Ashley Judd being another of his novels is amusing.)

Barry Levy – ( Known For: Wolves of Wall Street; The Brotherhood; Future BMT: Vantage Point; BMT: Paranoia; Notes: Also mostly just wrote television since. Has some television movie which claims is completed directed by a Mexican actress.)

Jason Hall – ( Known For: Thank You for Your Service; American Sniper; Gran Turismo; Spread; Spread; BMT: Paranoia; Notes: Nominated for an Oscar for American Sniper. Honestly, an untitled Navy Seal project is the most interesting probably-fake upcoming project for this guy.)

Actors – Liam Hemsworth – ( Known For: Triangle; The Hunger Games; The Expendables 2; The Hunger Games: Catching Fire; Love and Honor; The Hunger Games: Mockingjay – Part 2; The Hunger Games: Mockingjay – Part 1; Empire State; Lonely Planet; Land of Bad; Poker Face; Cut Bank; The Dressmaker; The Duel; Isn’t It Romantic; Killerman; Arkansas; F1; Future BMT: The Last Song; Knowing; BMT: Paranoia; Independence Day: Resurgence; Notes: Nominated for an Emmy … for a short form series called Most Dangerous Game? Oh I forgot he’s the new Witcher in what apparently is a terrible recent season of that show.)

Harrison Ford – ( Known For: Star Wars; Apocalypse Now; Blade Runner; Raiders of the Lost Ark; Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom; Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade; Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull; The Empire Strikes Back; Return of the Jedi; Working Girl; Frantic; What Lies Beneath; The Fugitive; Presumed Innocent; The Mosquito Coast; Regarding Henry; Six Days Seven Nights; Sabrina; K-19: The Widowmaker; Witness; Future BMT: The Devil’s Own; Extraordinary Measures; Jimmy Hollywood; BMT: Hollywood Homicide; Random Hearts; Firewall; Paranoia; The Expendables 3; Notes: The quintessential old man Harrison Ford film. Notably only ever nominated for Witness. Look at that filmography though. Ridic.)

Gary Oldman – ( Known For: The Fifth Element; Léon: The Professional; The Dark Knight; Batman Begins; True Romance; Basquiat; Romeo Is Bleeding; Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban; Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire; Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix; State of Grace; JFK; Jesus; Interstate 60; The Book of Eli; The Contender; Murder in the First; Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2; Air Force One; The Backwoods; Future BMT: Hannibal; The Unborn; Criminal Law; Planet 51; Criminal; BMT: Lost in Space; The Scarlet Letter; Tiptoes; Red Riding Hood; Paranoia; The Space Between Us; Hunter Killer; Hitman’s Wife’s Bodyguard; Notes: Nominated for an Oscar twice (Mank, Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy) and won once (Darkest Hour). He has a very fun career as indicated by the perfect mix of BMT and amazing non-BMT films. But then also just really fun films (Air Force One, The Fifth Element).)

Budget/Gross – $35,000,000 / Domestic: $7,388,654 (Worldwide: $17,056,265)

(Huge disaster. But I guess just renting the cars and filming in some mansion on Long Island is going to bump that budget. Oh, and the two huge stars.)

Rotten Tomatoes – 8% (8/105): Clichéd and unoriginal, Paranoia is a middling techno-thriller with indifferent performances and a shortage of thrills.

(Yeah this was chosen for being <10% on RT. And indeed, the performances are very middling.)

Reviewer Highlight: Fixates on the perils and panic of our modern surveillance culture while itself proving to be borderline unwatchable. – Nick Schager, Time Out

Poster – Pair, Annoying

(I like that little pun I put there even if it doesn’t make a lot of sense. A classically bad poster. It is in fact what I would call, and excuse the technical jargon, “very bad.” The only positive here is that it’s not doing too much. It’s very clean. D)

Tagline(s) – In a war between kings even a pawn can change the game. (C+)

(You know, I don’t think I like this. It’s actually more of a classic style tagline than I think I would have expected. Kind of long and telling you more of the story than you really need. At least it’s a metaphor, so not entirely boring. Trying something.)

Keyword(s) – imdb-keyword-based-on-novel;based-on-book

Top 10: Fight Club (1999), Forrest Gump (1994), The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring (2001), The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King (2003), The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers (2002), The Wolf of Wall Street (2013), The Silence of the Lambs (1991), Shutter Island (2010), Schindler’s List (1993), The Prestige (2006)

Future BMT: 74.9 The Turning (2020), 72.6 Zoom (2006), 70.3 London Fields (2018), 69.6 Gulliver’s Travels (2010), 67.3 Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen (2004), 66.3 102 Dalmatians (2000), 65.5 Diary of a Wimpy Kid: The Long Haul (2017), 64.3 Valentine (2001), 59.5 The Big Bounce (2004), 58.1 Best Defense (1984), 58.0 The NeverEnding Story II: The Next Chapter (1990), 55.5 Hanging Up (2000), 55.4 Eye of the Beholder (1999), 55.2 Snow Dogs (2002), 54.3 The Divorce (2003), 53.9 Abandon (2002), 53.4 The Stepford Wives (2004), 52.5 Addicted (2014), 50.8 Freedomland (2006), 50.1 Kull: The Conqueror (1997)

BMT: Battlefield Earth (2000), Dragonball Evolution (2009), Cats (2019), Left Behind (2014), Fifty Shades of Grey (2015), Jaws 3-D (1983), One Missed Call (2008), Fifty Shades Darker (2017), Fifty Shades Freed (2018), The Bye Bye Man (2017), The Twilight Saga: New Moon (2009), Striptease (1996), The Island of Dr. Moreau (1996), Firestarter (2022), The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1 (2011), Tarot (2024), Meg 2: The Trench (2023), The Haunting (1999), Fair Game (1995), Eragon (2006), After We Fell (2021), North (1994), Monkeybone (2001), The Rage: Carrie 2 (1999), Conan the Barbarian (2011), Exorcist: The Beginning (2004), An American Haunting (2005), The Snowman (2017), The Seeker: The Dark Is Rising (2007), Sliver (1993), Pinocchio (2002), The Musketeer (2001), After Ever Happy (2022), Shanghai Surprise (1986), Get Carter (2000), Exit to Eden (1994), After (2019), Alex Cross (2012), Queen of the Damned (2002), Congo (1995), …

Best Options (rt <10): 72.6 Zoom (2006), 70.3 London Fields (2018), 58.1 Best Defense (1984), 55.4 Eye of the Beholder (1999), 52.5 Addicted (2014), 50.0 King Solomon’s Mines (1985), 48.5 Blood and Chocolate (2007), 46.0 Surviving Christmas (2004), 44.2 Paranoia (2013), 38.9 When Time Ran Out… (1980), 38.9 Intersection (1994), 34.9 Hero and the Terror (1988), 33.4 The Awakening (1980), 27.7 The Lonely Lady (1983), 25.1 King David (1985), 21.9 Wired (1989), 16.2 Worth Winning (1989), 13.6 That Was Then… This Is Now (1985)

(So many, but a lot are kind of borderline in reality. You should see the Now a Major Motion Picture for this thing. It is glorious.)

Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 8) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Harrison Ford is No. 2 billed in Paranoia and No. 1 billed in Hollywood Homicide, which also stars Josh Hartnett (No. 2 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 3 billed) => (2 + 1) + (2 + 3) = 8. There is no shorter path at the moment.

Eye for an Eye Preview

“I don’t understand, how have I not heard of this till now?” Jamie asks, absolutely baffled by the mock up poster adorning the cover of Patrick’s advance copy of Fresh Horses. Instead of Andrew McCarthy and Molly Ringwald (as we all know and love), the poster now featured… Molly Ringwald and Andrew McCarthy. “And now they’re older?” Jamie asks, even more baffled. “Sure, I mean I think the movie is more like a legacy sequel, but obviously the original play is unchanged. I’ll explain it all in the introduction. Boy, Dick Computer is really gonna hate that we’re working on this,” Patrick explains with delight. First up, research. Kyle pops some popping corn. Jamie grabs their well worn DVD copy of Fresh Horses (the Funky is implied). Patrick distributes the cable knit sweaters, although they all know that’s a mistake. Things are gonna heat up once they get their Funk on. Turns out that’s an understatement. By the time Matt watches Jewel walk away, tears in his eyes, they are fully funkified. Jamie asks what they’re all thinking. “Why aren’t we doing this movie?” His words are soft, but the weight they carry is heavy. Here they were thinking they were pulling a fast one on Dick Computer and turns out they pulled a fast one on themselves. “You’re right,” Patrick says resolutely, “We have to do this. Put the Platonic Solids on ice cubes. We’re directing a movie.” Turns out that’s easier said than done. When Patrick gets off the phone with the producer he’s got a strange look on his face. “Unbelievable.” Patrick explains. “He says they already have their director. Marty is all in on it. He says Marty will only let us have it for a little quid pro quo. A little eye for an eye.” That’s right! We’re watching the Sally Field classic Eye for an Eye. The one annoyance here is that the book actually just says “Now a Major Motion Picture” on it, but doesn’t have the dignity to put Sally Field on the cover or the credits on the back. For shame. Let’s go!

Eye for an Eye (1996) – BMeTric: 23.5; Notability: 20

StreetCreditReport.com – BMeTric: top 22.8%; Notability: top 8.4%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 2.1%; Higher BMeT: Barb Wire, Kazaam, Bio-Dome, Striptease, The Island of Dr. Moreau, Lawnmower Man 2: Beyond Cyberspace, The Crow: City of Angels, Ed, Hellraiser: Bloodline, Spy Hard, Poison Ivy 2: Lily, The Glimmer Man, Eddie, D3: The Mighty Ducks, Bordello of Blood, First Kid, Celtic Pride, Dunston Checks In, The Quest, Chain Reaction, and 37 more; Higher Notability: Bed of Roses, Chain Reaction, Spy Hard, The Fan, The Associate, Down Periscope, Jingle All the Way, Don’t Be a Menace to South Central While Drinking Your Juice in the Hood, D3: The Mighty Ducks, Lawnmower Man 2: Beyond Cyberspace, Bordello of Blood, Before and After, Up Close & Personal, Barb Wire, Space Truckers, The Sunchaser, The Island of Dr. Moreau, The Glimmer Man, Daylight, Maximum Risk, and 1 more; Lower RT: The Dentist, Bio-Dome, Kazaam, Ed, Spy Hard; Notes: Wow, we’ve seen 13 of the top 20 BMeTs for 1996. For a while we were really not doing ‘90s films, but in the past few years we’ve managed to claw our way to decent coverage.

RogerEbert.com – 1.0 stars – “Eye for an Eye” is a particularly nasty little example of audience manipulation leading to a conclusion that, had I accepted it, would have left me feeling unclean. It’s about an ordinary woman who is led to seek blood revenge, in a plot where the deck is stacked so blatantly it’s shameless. It’s ironic that this movie is being released at the same time as “Dead Man Walking.” Both are about killers and their victims, and both are, in a way, about the death penalty. “Dead Man Walking” challenges us to deal with a wide range of ethical and moral issues. “Eye for an Eye” cynically blinkers us, excluding morality as much as it can, to service an exploitation plot.

(Yuuuuup. I wonder, if I gathered together all of the vigilante justice films together, how many Ebert would have panned. I just checked the very weird film The Star Chamber. He gave it two stars, but mainly because it just became a routine thriller in the end. It is an intriguing question.)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jY56N6irNCk/

(Jesus, they kind of go for it with this trailer. They put Kiefer’s weirdo performance front and center and dare you to go and see this ridiculous film. For me this is a terrible trailer for the exact reason Ebert suggests: it is manipulative.)

Directors – John Schlesinger – ( Known For: Pacific Heights; Marathon Man; Midnight Cowboy; Far from the Madding Crowd; Yanks; The Day of the Locust; Darling; A Kind of Loving; Cold Comfort Farm; Billy Liar; The Falcon and the Snowman; Sunday Bloody Sunday; Terminus; Honky Tonk Freeway; Visions of Eight; The Innocent; An Englishman Abroad; A Question of Attribution; Madame Sousatzka; The Tale of Sweeney Todd; Future BMT: The Believers; BMT: The Next Best Thing; Eye for an Eye; Notes: won and Oscar for Midnight Cowboy, and was nominated for Darling and Sunday Bloody Sunday. We already saw his last ever feature film (The Next Best Thing). He died in 2003.)

Writers – Erika Holzer – ( BMT: Eye for an Eye; Notes: Wrote the book.)

Rick Jaffa and Amanda Silver – ( Known For: Rise of the Planet of the Apes; Jurassic World; Dawn of the Planet of the Apes; Kingdom of the Planet of the Apes; Jurassic World; In the Heart of the Sea; Avatar: The Way of Water; Avatar: The Way of Water; Avatar: Fire and Ash; Avatar: Fire and Ash; War for the Planet of the Apes; Dawn of the Planet of the Apes; Mulan; Avatar 4; Avatar 5; Future BMT: The Relic; BMT: Eye for an Eye; Notes: They’re like … huge writers. Wrote Jurassic World, and the second and third Avatar films, a bunch of the Planet of the Apes films. What the heck? Basically, hugely commercially and critically successful after their first two films qualified.)

Actors – Sally Field – ( Known For: Forrest Gump; Spoiler Alert; 80 for Brady; Mrs. Doubtfire; Steel Magnolias; Stay Hungry; Smokey and the Bandit; Homeward Bound: The Incredible Journey; Home for the Holidays; Beyond the Poseidon Adventure; Homeward Bound II: Lost in San Francisco; Soapdish; Not Without My Daughter; Murphy’s Romance; The Little Mermaid: Ariel’s Beginning; Places in the Heart; Punchline; Norma Rae; The End; The Way West; Future BMT: Legally Blonde 2: Red, White & Blonde; Surrender; Where the Heart Is; BMT: Say It Isn’t So; Smokey and the Bandit II; Eye for an Eye; Notes: Won two Oscars for Norma Rae and Places in the Heart (which had the famous “You really like me!” speech). Was also nominated for Lincoln. She’s unbelievably attractive in the Smokey and the Bandit series.)

Kiefer Sutherland – ( Known For: Paradise Found; Stand by Me; A Few Good Men; Desert Saints; The Lost Boys; Flatliners; The Vanishing; A Time to Kill; To End All Wars; Max Dugan Returns; Phone Booth; Beat; Dark City; Dead Heat; The Last Days of Frankie the Fly; Freeway; Truth or Consequences, N.M.; River Queen; Young Guns; The Killing Time; Future BMT: Renegades; Taking Lives; The Sentinel; Mirrors; The Nutcracker Prince; The Cowboy Way; The Wild; BMT: The Three Musketeers; Young Guns II; Eye for an Eye; Pompeii; Marmaduke; Zoolander 2; Flatliners; Notes: Won two Emmy for 24. It is genuinely the one and only time people watched him act and were like … this guy is good at acting. There is something insanely magnetic about his performances though. Like movies warp around him.)

Ed Harris – ( Known For: A History of Violence; Absolute Power; Enemy at the Gates; A Beautiful Mind; Apollo 13; The Hours; Copying Beethoven; State of Grace; The Abyss; The Human Stain; Gone Baby Gone; Nixon; Knightriders; Long Day’s Journey into Night; Masked and Anonymous; Borderline; Stepmom; China Moon; Glengarry Glen Ross; Buffalo Soldiers; Future BMT: Needful Things; National Treasure: Book of Secrets; Milk Money; Just Cause; Radio; Man on a Ledge; Phantom; BMT: Eye for an Eye; Geostorm; Notes: Nominated for four Oscars (Apollo 13, The Truman Show, Pollock, and The Hours). Kind of crazy he won’t get it in the end. As much as a wish I could believe it, he’s 75 now, and the last few performances I saw him do he was looking a little old to go for an awards play.)

Budget/Gross – $20 million / Domestic: $26,877,589 (Worldwide: $26,877,589)

(That’s a disaster, but also I’m not sure I really believe the budget. In 1996 we were giving rote thrillers $20 million? Maybe because of the cast.)

Rotten Tomatoes – 7% (3/41): Overwrought, thinly written, and all-around unpleasant, Eye for an Eye crudely exploits every parent’s nightmare with deeply offensive results.

(Whoa! That’s low. Like … real low. Like lower than Paranoia which we chose because it was so poorly received. All-around unpleasant just about describes it.)

Reviewer Highlight: A B movie that somehow won the lottery and got an A-movie cast and director. – Joe Leydon, Variety

Poster – Sklog for a Sklog

(It’s amazing that there was a time where this poster made sense. That you could see it in a theater and be like ‘oh, sure.’ It’s like a joke poster now. What if justice fails? Obviously you have to blow away the perps, you middle-aged housewife, you. Anyway, it’s not even all that interesting. But at least it’s blue. C-.)

Tagline(s) – What do you do when justice fails? (C)

(Insane. Certainly I can see why this is considered the kind of grabby statement that would be the tagline for your movie. But it’s still insane.)

Keyword(s) – imdb-keyword-based-on-novel;based-on-book

Future BMT: 74.9 The Turning (2020), 72.6 Zoom (2006), 70.2 London Fields (2018), 69.6 Gulliver’s Travels (2010), 67.3 Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen (2004), 66.3 102 Dalmatians (2000), 65.4 Diary of a Wimpy Kid: The Long Haul (2017), 64.2 Valentine (2001), 59.5 The Big Bounce (2004), 58.1 Best Defense (1984), 57.9 The NeverEnding Story II: The Next Chapter (1990), 55.5 Hanging Up (2000), 55.4 Eye of the Beholder (1999), 55.2 Snow Dogs (2002), 54.3 The Divorce (2003), 53.9 Abandon (2002), 53.3 The Stepford Wives (2004), 52.5 Addicted (2014), 50.8 Freedomland (2006), 50.0 Kull: The Conqueror (1997)

BMT: Battlefield Earth (2000), Dragonball Evolution (2009), Cats (2019), Left Behind (2014), Fifty Shades of Grey (2015), Jaws 3-D (1983), One Missed Call (2008), Fifty Shades Darker (2017), Fifty Shades Freed (2018), The Bye Bye Man (2017), The Twilight Saga: New Moon (2009), Striptease (1996), The Island of Dr. Moreau (1996), Firestarter (2022), The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1 (2011), Tarot (2024), Meg 2: The Trench (2023), The Haunting (1999), Fair Game (1995), Eragon (2006), After We Fell (2021), North (1994), Monkeybone (2001), The Rage: Carrie 2 (1999), Conan the Barbarian (2011), After Ever Happy (2022), Exorcist: The Beginning (2004), An American Haunting (2005), The Snowman (2017), The Seeker: The Dark Is Rising (2007), Sliver (1993), Pinocchio (2002), The Musketeer (2001), Shanghai Surprise (1986), Get Carter (2000), Exit to Eden (1994), After (2019), Alex Cross (2012), Queen of the Damned (2002), Congo (1995), …

Best Options (Sneaks): 50.8 Freedomland (2006), 42.2 What’s the Worst That Could Happen? (2001), 37.3 Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter (2012), 30.0 What’s Your Number? (2011)

(David Keith plays O.G. in Sneaks and is in Eye for an Eye, but the TMDB ordering is wonky on weirdo films like Sneaks so he’s very low billed. The other solid option was What’s the Worst That Could Happen?, but I think it ended up as a blind spot since it was originally the comedy option. Possibly you couldn’t get to cycle #2 as well, but I can’t remember.)

Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 8) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Sally Field is No. 1 billed in Eye for an Eye and No. 4 billed in Say It Isn’t So, which also stars Chris Klein (No. 1 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 2 billed) => (1 + 4) + (1 + 2) = 8. There is no shorter path at the moment.

All the Pretty Horses Preview

“That book was amazing,” Kyle says breathlessly as they leave Dick Computer’s office. “Can I read it?” The look of hope and wonder breaks Patrick’s heart. He explains that the book isn’t real. A classic delay tactic so that by the time they can deliver Platonic Solids Series Part III: Cubey or Not Cubey it will be long forgotten in the cascade of money and fame that the best entry in the series will bring. “Right… the best entry,” Jamie says, a nervous note entering his voice. Patrick isn’t ready to face even the idea of writer’s block, let alone the actual block itself. He’s never encountered such a thing, churning out several books a year under a variety of pen names. Suddenly that gives him an idea. Maybe working on something like Bad Movie Tribe was just the trick. Not Bad Movie Tribe itself, of course. He wouldn’t give Dick Computer the satisfaction. He huffs out loud as he recalls his demand that they shorten the imaginary book. Jamie was right. The perfect length for a book was 400 pages with 25 page chapters. You hit Chapter 13 and you know you’re sliding in for a good time. Jamie huffs in agreement as he is also at that moment remembering the insult. No, they wouldn’t give Dick Computer the satisfaction. In fact… “Jamie, can you bring up the list of books I’ve taken advances for in the last 18 months?” Patrick asks as they return to their apartment. Jamie pulls open the filing cabinet marked with a dollar sign and leafs through it. “What’s the smallest one?” Patrick asks. Jamie looks for a moment. “Uh, you got $4000 to write the introduction to a new media tie-in edition of a play for an upcoming remake of… Fresh Horses!?” That’s right! I know no prettier horse than our beloved Funky Fresh Horses. But alas, we have to watch All the Pretty Horses itself this week. It’s shocking that it qualifies given the pedigree, but the star and director both trashed the film after Miramax recut it. Recut a beloved book adaptation to make it more commercial? What could go wrong? Let’s go!

All the Pretty Horses (2000) – BMeTric: 32.8; Notability: 25

StreetCreditReport.com – BMeTric: top 22.4%; Notability: top 6.4%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 27.7%; Higher BMeT: Battlefield Earth, Dungeons & Dragons, Book of Shadows: Blair Witch 2, The Flintstones in Viva Rock Vegas, Nutty Professor II: The Klumps, Urban Legends: Final Cut, Baise-moi, Shriek If You Know What I Did Last Friday the Thirteenth, Cruel Intentions 2, Highlander: Endgame, 102 Dalmatians, Dracula 2000, Leprechaun in the Hood, Supernova, Little Nicky, The Next Best Thing, Big Momma’s House, From Dusk Till Dawn 3: The Hangman’s Daughter, Get Carter, Beethoven’s 3rd, and 36 more; Higher Notability: Gone in Sixty Seconds, The 6th Day, Little Nicky, Get Carter, Dracula 2000, Next Friday, Dude, Where’s My Car?, Mission to Mars, Bless the Child, Pay It Forward, The Flintstones in Viva Rock Vegas, Loser, Nutty Professor II: The Klumps, Romeo Must Die, Rules of Engagement, 28 Days; Lower RT: Beethoven’s 3rd, Fortress 2, Battlefield Earth, Down to You, Bless the Child, Lost Souls, Heavy Metal 2000, Dungeons & Dragons, Eye of the Beholder, The Skulls, Supernova, Get Carter, The Watcher, Boys and Girls, Highlander: Endgame, The Ladies Man, Urban Legends: Final Cut, Hanging Up, Red Planet, Book of Shadows: Blair Witch 2, and 45 more; Notes: We’ve seen 11 of 20 of the top BMeT for 2000 which is pretty good. I think the next on the docket should be Nutty Professor 2, but you could convince me to watch the entire Beethoven series obviously.

RogerEbert.com – 3.5 stars – This is the kind of movie that’s best to see on a big screen, where the size of the sky and the colors of the land can do their work. It’s as if the events are bigger than the people–as if John Grady Cole will never again be such a reckless damn fool kid as he was during this year and will always sort of regret that.

(I do love when we get to do films that Ebert genuinely seemed to love. I can see it though. The book is amazing, and so it shouldn’t be a surprise that if you vibe with it you genuinely like the adaptation.)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yygkQ8SjjQk/

(What is this music!? What the fuck haha? The film being advertised as a romance is kind of crazy. You have to know the book as almost being an anti-western anti-romance to know this is either an interesting adaptation or an absurd ad campaign. “Accused of a crime he didn’t commit” … didn’t he?)

Directors – Billy Bob Thornton – ( Known For: Sling Blade; Daddy and Them; Jayne Mansfield’s Car; BMT: All the Pretty Horses; Notes: Won an Oscar for writing Sling Blade, as was nominated for acting twice (A Simple Plan, and Sling Blade). This seemed to somewhat end his major directing career, but that’s possibly because he got pretty famous as an actor soon after.)

Writers – Ted Tally – ( Known For: The Silence of the Lambs; Red Dragon; The Father Clements Story; White Palace; 12 Strong; Shrek 2; Future BMT: The Juror; Before and After; BMT: All the Pretty Horses; Notes: Won an Oscar for The Silence of the Lambs. 12 Strong was the only thing he’s done recently, probably retired.)

Cormac McCarthy – ( Known For: The Road; The Sunset Limited; Child of God; The Gardener’s Son; No Country for Old Men; The Sunset Limited; Future BMT: The Counselor; BMT: All the Pretty Horses; Notes: Y’all know Cormac. He died only a few years ago. I need to read his other books though, this one was amazing.)

Actors – Matt Damon – ( Known For: Ocean’s Eleven; Ocean’s Twelve; Syriana; Ocean’s Thirteen; Saving Private Ryan; Good Will Hunting; The Talented Mr. Ripley; The Good Shepherd; The Departed; Rounders; Chasing Amy; Stuck on You; Dogma; The Bourne Supremacy; The Bourne Ultimatum; Gerry; Courage Under Fire; The Third Wheel; The Legend of Bagger Vance; Mystic Pizza; Future BMT: The Brothers Grimm; The Monuments Men; The Great Wall; Suburbicon; BMT: All the Pretty Horses; Notes: This being our first Damon seems crazy, but it is crazier he’s only been in four qualifying films. He really has just an incredible career, winding along into and out of A-list status. He now seems to do what he wants. He’s been nominated three times for acting (Good Will Hunting, Invictus, The Martian))

Henry Thomas – ( Known For: E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial; Desperation; Gangs of New York; Suicide Kings; Legends of the Fall; I’m with Lucy; Frog Dreaming; 11:14; The Last Sin Eater; Psycho IV: The Beginning; Valmont; Fire in the Sky; I Capture the Castle; Cloak & Dagger; The Quickie; Misfire: The Rise and Fall of the Shooting Gallery; Dead Birds; Suffering Man’s Charity; Niagara, Niagara; Misunderstood; Future BMT: Dear John; BMT: All the Pretty Horses; Notes: I have to be honest, I didn’t know he was in so much stuff. He’s still acting. He’s always been acting. He’s most recently been in the Fall of the House of Usher series.)

Lucas Black – ( Known For: Jarhead; The Miracle Worker; Cold Mountain; Killer Diller; Sling Blade; Friday Night Lights; Deepwater; Get Low; Unsung Hero; Seven Days in Utopia; 42; Promised Land; Our Friend, Martin; Furious 7; Ghosts of Mississippi; The X-Files; Flash; F9; Future BMT: Legion; Crazy in Alabama; The War; BMT: All the Pretty Horses; The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift; Notes: I guess semi-discovered by Billy Bob Thornton for Sling Blade. Again, him not being in more BMT films is the surprise. Ended up back in the Fast & Furious series finally, the third one is surprisingly fun.)

Budget/Gross – $57,000,000 / Domestic: $15,540,353 (Worldwide: $18,133,495)

(This is a huge disaster. The budget isn’t a surprise. Period piece with a lot of horse wrangling seems like a recipe for a flop.)

Rotten Tomatoes – 32% (32/100): This adaptation of Cormac McCarthy’s novel comes off as rather flat and uninvolving. Scenes feel rushed and done in shorthand, and the romance between Damon and Cruz has no sparks.

(Well, again, the romance in the book is a little like that. There isn’t much as far as indicating they have the grand romance you think of in books like this. I do think if that was an intentional adaptation choice it is a mistake. You either ignore or lean into the romance, making it the way the book does makes it feel half-assed.)

Reviewer Highlight: Whether you’re familiar with the story or not, you’ll have trouble feeling connected to it. – Steven Rosen, Denver Post

Poster – All the Funky Fresh Horses

(A little too classic and, honestly, pretty to stir much emotion in me. I like the overall orange tone to it, but it’s just a very safe poster. It’s not bad. B)

Tagline(s) – Some passions can never be tamed. (A)

(Hmmm, interesting. I like it. I can definitely see how the marketing for the book probably rubbed people the wrong way. Make it into a teen love story essentially. But I like that this is working in the horses and love, etc. Ignoring the book, I think this is quite good.)

Keyword(s) – imdb-keyword-based-on-novel;based-on-book

BMT: Battlefield Earth (2000), Dragonball Evolution (2009), Cats (2019), Left Behind (2014), Fifty Shades of Grey (2015), Jaws 3-D (1983), One Missed Call (2008), Fifty Shades Darker (2017), Fifty Shades Freed (2018), The Bye Bye Man (2017), The Twilight Saga: New Moon (2009), Striptease (1996), The Island of Dr. Moreau (1996), Firestarter (2022), The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1 (2011), Tarot (2024), Meg 2: The Trench (2023), The Haunting (1999), Fair Game (1995), Eragon (2006), After We Fell (2021), North (1994), Monkeybone (2001), The Rage: Carrie 2 (1999), Conan the Barbarian (2011), After Ever Happy (2022), Exorcist: The Beginning (2004), An American Haunting (2005), The Snowman (2017), The Seeker: The Dark Is Rising (2007), Sliver (1993), Pinocchio (2002), The Musketeer (2001), Shanghai Surprise (1986), Get Carter (2000), Exit to Eden (1994), After (2019), Alex Cross (2012), Queen of the Damned (2002), Congo (1995), …

Best Options (Romance): 54.3 The Divorce (2003), 53.9 Abandon (2002), 52.5 Addicted (2014), 46.0 Surviving Christmas (2004), 45.1 King Ralph (1991), 40.5 Admission (2013), 39.5 Stroker Ace (1983), 38.9 Intersection (1994), 36.6 The Princess Diaries 2: Royal Engagement (2004), 34.8 Drive Me Crazy (1999), 34.4 How to Deal (2003), 33.8 Must Love Dogs (2005), 33.3 The Last Song (2010), 32.9 Mary Reilly (1996), 32.8 All the Pretty Horses (2000), 30.1 Memoirs of an Invisible Man (1992), 30.0 What’s Your Number? (2011), 29.8 Nights in Rodanthe (2008), 28.8 The Love Letter (1999), 27.8 Dying Young (1991), 26.7 The Saint (1997), 26.5 The Nanny Diaries (2007), 24.6 Up Close & Personal (1996), 24.6 Dear John (2010), 23.8 Tulip Fever (2017), 22.3 Year of the Gun (1991), 21.7 The Giver (2014), 21.6 The Evening Star (1996), 21.6 The Lucky One (2012), 21.0 Charlie St. Cloud (2010), 18.9 Love in the Time of Cholera (2007), 18.3 2 Hearts (2020), 17.0 The Beach (2000), 16.2 Worth Winning (1989), 15.7 Feast of Love (2007), 15.3 Stanley & Iris (1990), 14.7 Not Easily Broken (2009), 14.2 The Best of Me (2014), 13.4 Where the Heart Is (2000), 12.5 Stella (1990), 11.5 Snow Falling on Cedars (1999), 10.7 Bicentennial Man (1999), 10.7 A Good Year (2006), 10.5 Redeeming Love (2022), 10.3 Labor Day (2013), 9.3 P.S. I Love You (2007), 9.2 One Day (2011), 7.8 The Time Traveler’s Wife (2009), 6.5 The Phantom of the Opera (2004), 5.5 Memoirs of a Geisha (2005), 4.7 The Ultimate Gift (2006)

(A lot of these are borderline. The one we probably had the best bet of getting “Now a Major Motion Picture” versions of the book would be Must Love Dogs. King Ralph being based on a book is reeeeeeeal borderline.)

Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 15) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Penélope Cruz is No. 4 billed in All the Pretty Horses and No. 2 billed in Captain Corelli’s Mandolin, which also stars Nicolas Cage (No. 1 billed) who is in The Wicker Man (No. 1 billed) which also stars Leelee Sobieski (No. 6 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 1 billed) => (4 + 2) + (1 + 1) + (6 + 1) = 15. If we were to watch Sahara, and Two for the Money we can get the HoE Number down to 15.

Notes – In 2014, Billy Bob Thornton told Entertainment Weekly that the rumors of his original cut being somewhere in between 3 to 4h long were incorrect, but that his cut was 2:42h. He also mentioned that he still is in possession of his original version.

Jesse Plemons, who was cast as the younger version of John Grady Cole, didn’t know all his scenes had been removed from the final cut until he actually saw the film with friends and family.

Some attempts have been made to release a director’s cut DVD, but arrangements cannot be reached with the composer of the film’s music, Daniel Lanois. As part of the re-cut, Harvey Weinstein scrapped the original score and hired Marty Stuart. Lanois felt insulted, and has steadfastly refused to license his score (which, unusually, he owns) to any release of the film.

Cormac McCarthy visited the set during the making of the film. The author apparently spent little time fraternizing with the main cast and crew. He instead spent much of his visit discussing firearms with the prop master.

An assembly cut, which ran around 3 hours and 40 minutes, was shown to producers before the final edit was finished. They were told they were viewing an unfinished movie and not to make judgments. Billy Bob Thornton was still working on his final edit, but the studio wanted to see something. Thornton agreed to it, but regrets it to this day. Former Miramax marketing head Dennis Rice had this to say: “It was the most self-indulgent director’s cut I’d ever seen. It was like torture to watch that movie.” Thornton’s eventual edit ran around 2hrs 42m. Matt Damon and others that saw this final version thought it was a masterpiece. Wanting it even shorter, the studio took it away from Thornton, and cut to it’s final length of 1hr 56m. They also replaced a beautiful haunting music score by legendary music producer Daniel Lanois with a soundtrack by Marty Stewart. It broke everyone’s heart that had put so much love into the project. Thornton’s version has never been seen or released to the public.

The Three Musketeers (1993) Preview

“So it’s like the Bad Movie Twins meets Frankenstein and the Wolfman?” Patrick’s new publisher Richard Computer says, a look of intense concentration on his face. Uncertain about how his improvised pitch is going, Jamie takes off his glasses and sighs deeply, hoping to lend an air of gravitas to everything he’s saying. “Frankenstein’s monster actually,” he corrects. Richard turns and looks out the window, saying with a tone of disappointment in his voice, “Yes, well, unfortunately Frankenstein’s monster is out this season. If it were Frankenstein I might be more interested. As for Wolfmen, well they haven’t been in since 1994.” At that Richard laughs heartily and Jamie curses his bad luck. Patrick jumps in, annoyed at Jamie’s gaffe. “Yes, well really the monsters are only a minor aspect of the story. In fact, I think my co-author here forgot that we removed them entirely in the latest draft,” Patrick really gives Jamie the stink eye as he says that. Richard looks skeptical, but eventually leans back in his chair, “continue.” Jamie launches into a jazz-like riff on the exact length of the novel and how the chapters are laid out. “The chapters are exactly the length for optimal satisfaction. Not too long. Not too short. Bee-dee-doo-bah-doo-bop.” Patrick is aghast. “Mannequins,” Kyle says suddenly while spinning a globe idly in the corner. “Excuse me?” Richard asks, now truly confused. “Patrick, who are these people? Where is your book? You do have a book, don’t you? Because we gave you a pretty hefty advance on this.” The vibes in the room are not good and Patrick has to think fast. “I’m sorry, Richard,” Patrick starts as Jamie holds his breath, “I think you misunderstand what is happening here. We are The Three Musketeers.” And with that, he begins. That’s right! We’re are watching the 1993 mousterpiece The Three Musketeers. I only know this from the dope cover of my media tie-in edition of a stone cold classic. My beautiful boys looking up at me while I read. It’s perfect. Let’s go!

The Three Musketeers (1993) – BMeTric: 20.9; Notability: 46

StreetCreditReport.com – BMeTric: top 22.4%; Notability: top 3.6%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 21.6%; Higher BMeT: Super Mario Bros., RoboCop 3, Jason Goes to Hell: The Final Friday, Look Who’s Talking Now, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III, Mr. Nanny, Body of Evidence, Cop & ½, Beethoven’s 2nd, Sliver, Weekend at Bernie’s II, Even Cowgirls Get the Blues, Boxing Helena, Son of the Pink Panther, The Beverly Hillbillies, Made in America, Carnosaur, Pumpkinhead II: Blood Wings, Surf Ninjas, Boiling Point, and 36 more; Higher Notability: Sister Act 2: Back in the Habit, Rising Sun, Life with Mikey, The Meteor Man, Loaded Weapon 1, Son of the Pink Panther, RoboCop 3, For Love or Money, Super Mario Bros.; Lower RT: Look Who’s Talking Now, Warlock: The Armageddon, Mr. Nanny, Son of the Pink Panther, Body of Evidence, RoboCop 3, Hexed, Best of the Best II, Ghost in the Machine, Father Hood, Calendar Girl, Weekend at Bernie’s II, My Boyfriend’s Back, Only the Strong, Fatal Instinct, Cop & ½, Ernest Rides Again, Jason Goes to Hell: The Final Friday, Another Stakeout, Boxing Helena, and 32 more; Notes: We have a perfect split, 10/20 top BMeT films watched. But I’m really quite enamored with the idea of eventually doing Sister Act 2. That had the highest Notability? That feels really crazy. Only played 13 times on television in the ‘90s, mostly on the Disney channel (naturally), probably because it was somewhat violent and a full throated 2 hours long.

RogerEbert.com – 2 stars – Is there a compelling need for another version of “The Three Musketeers?” The first task of the new version would be to convince us the answer is yes – and this new “Musketeers” never does. It must have been great fun to make it (what young actor doesn’t want to dash around on horseback and engage in swashbuckling swordfights?), but it’s not that much fun to watch. It’s all sound and energy, without plan or meaning.

(I mean, sure. A little like the Ben-Hur film from 2016 I guess. My counter? The film is just fun! And I think making a “Disney” version of a major swashbuckling novel, a novel children can and could not read for the most part, is argument enough. I think the question is actually inverted. Have we made a children’s version of The Three Musketeers yet? No? Then let’s do it.)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FMy1TFRF8Lk/

(YES, A VHS TRAILER. There is certainly a lot of killing and smooching in this Disney film. If I’m not mistaken they are using the Goonies theme in the background? At least something really close to it. I really really remember the Platt waxing his sword around … was this on some clamshell VHS we owned?)

Directors – Stephen Herek – ( Known For: Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure; 101 Dalmatians; Rock Star; Mr. Holland’s Opus; Critters; Our Little Secret; Afterlife of the Party; Dog Gone; The Great Gilly Hopkins; The Chaperone; Future BMT: Don’t Tell Mom the Babysitter’s Dead; Life or Something Like It; Man of the House; Holy Man; BMT: The Mighty Ducks; The Three Musketeers; Notes: Wow, he did The Mighty Ducks as well. He was churning out Disney hits. If anything him directing Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure makes him a legend.)

Writers – Alexandre Dumas – ( Known For: The Count of Monte Cristo; The Count of Monte-Cristo; The Three Musketeers – Part I: D’Artagnan; The Three Musketeers; Queen Margot; The Four Musketeers; The Three Musketeers – Part II: Milady; The Three Musketeers; The Return of the Musketeers; The Count of Monte Cristo; The Black Tulip; The Man in the Iron Mask; Black Magic; The Iron Mask; The Count of Monte Cristo; The Three Musketeers; The Son of Monte Cristo; The Fifth Musketeer; The Corsican Brothers; The Return of the Musketeers, or The Treasures of Cardinal Mazarin; Future BMT: The Man in the Iron Mask; BMT: The Three Musketeers; The Three Musketeers; The Musketeer; Notes: HA. Well, we are almost done with the Musketeer series. A wonder if it the only series to produce a bad film I suppose.)

David Loughery – ( Known For: Lakeview Terrace; Dreamscape; Fatale; Nurse; End of the Road; Shattered; Blindsided; Flashback; Future BMT: Passenger 57; Obsessed; Tom and Huck; BMT: Star Trek V: The Final Frontier; The Three Musketeers; The Intruder; Notes: Flashback is funny because I’ve been annotating adverts in the New York Times and you see the craziest films you’ve never heard of with full page advertisements. That was one of them. Another Kiefer naturally. Also funny to see connections. He wrote three episodes of Time Trax, an obscure Australian show from 1993. They also produced the Bill & Ted series in 1992. Could that be why Herek hired him? This is their only overlap in general though.)

Actors – Charlie Sheen – ( Known For: Platoon; Ferris Bueller’s Day Off; Being John Malkovich; Wall Street; Hot Shots!; Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps; Hot Shots! Part Deux; Badlands; Major League; Young Guns; Red Dawn; The Arrival; Eight Men Out; The Chase; The Wraith; Lucas; Foodfight!; Beyond the Law; Good Advice; Cadence; Future BMT: Due Date; Scary Movie 3; Scary Movie 4; Machete Kills; Loaded Weapon 1; Money Talks; The Rookie; Men at Work; The Big Bounce; Madea’s Witness Protection; All Dogs Go to Heaven 2; Shadow Conspiracy; BMT: Scary Movie 5; The Three Musketeers; Major League II; Navy Seals; Terminal Velocity; Notes: Nominated for four Emmys for Two and a Half Men. Yeah we have a ton of his films to go. Too bad The Chase isn’t one of them, it is at 43% on Rotten Tomatoes.)

Kiefer Sutherland – ( Known For: Stand by Me; A Few Good Men; Phone Booth; Dark City; Melancholia; A Time to Kill; Monsters vs. Aliens; The Lost Boys; Juror #2; Twin Peaks: Fire Walk with Me; Flatliners; Young Guns; They Cloned Tyrone; The Contractor; Freeway; The Vanishing; At Close Range; Twin Peaks: The Missing Pieces; The Reluctant Fundamentalist; Forsaken; Future BMT: Mirrors; Taking Lives; The Sentinel; The Wild; Eye for an Eye; The Cowboy Way; Renegades; The Nutcracker Prince; BMT: Pompeii; Zoolander 2; The Three Musketeers; Flatliners; Young Guns II; Marmaduke; Notes: Nominated 11 times for Emmys for acting and producing 24. For the fifth season they won both lead actor and best series. Which seems crazy. I watched all those. I suppose that was probably the Itzin year which was indeed probably the best end-to-end season they had.)

Chris O’Donnell – ( Known For: Scent of a Woman; Fried Green Tomatoes; Vertical Limit; Kinsey; School Ties; Cookie’s Fortune; Circle of Friends; Blue Sky; Kit Kittredge: An American Girl; A Little Help; Men Don’t Leave; 29 Palms; The Sisters; Future BMT: The Bachelor; Cats & Dogs: The Revenge of Kitty Galore; Mad Love; BMT: Batman & Robin; Batman Forever; Max Payne; The Three Musketeers; The Chamber; In Love and War; Notes: Strange actor. Definitively a leading man in the ‘90s, and eventually just settled into 323 episodes of NCIS: Los Angeles. The funniest part being in the cross-over soft pilot for NCIS: Los Angeles he’s basically killed at the end. Naturally he comes back, but they clearly anticipated maybe having to recast with a different lead.)

Budget/Gross – $30 million / Domestic: $53,898,845 (Worldwide: $53,898,845)

(Hooooooooooooooo doggie. First of all, that budget? I don’t believe you. Have you seen this cast? That’s absurd and insulting. But my god that box office take? How doesn’t this get a worldwide release? What are we doing here Disney? What are you thinking? This is truly mind exploding. Wikipedia claims it just creeped over $100 million worldwide based off a Variety article from 1994 which I do not have access to. Curious.)

Rotten Tomatoes – 31% (9/29): Its starry trio of do-gooders may promise to fight “one for all, all for one,” but this Three Musketeers is a slickly unmemorable update bound to satisfy very few.

(That isn’t unfair. I do think by being a mismash of ideas mostly from other adaptations (and not the book) you do end up with something that isn’t memorable beyond a series of insane gifs generated by Platt’s antics.)

Reviewer Highlight: All this nonsense would be news to Dumas, whose grave is surely spinning as his musketeers – sucked dry of high drama and low wit – go kicking and screaming into the wonderful world of Disney. – Peter Travers, Rolling Stone

Poster – The Two Sklogsketeers

(Hey that’s the cover of my book. Like Krippendorf’s Tribe’s all white poster, there are general color schemes that I’m not super into. A mostly black poster is one of them. I want something a little more interesting. And speaking along those lines, this is just too generic to get excited about. Sure the layout is fine, but where’s the zazz, you know? C)

Tagline(s) – All for one and one for all! (C)

A place of betrayal. The fate of a king. A time for heroes. (B+)

(The first one is more of a requirement than a tagline. The second I’m more into. A set of three. I like the second and third. Could use a little wordplay. I also am bumping up against the first one a little. A place of betrayal… I’m not sure I know what they are going for there. But I applaud the effort.)

Keyword(s) – imdb-keyword-based-on-novel;based-on-book

Future BMT: 74.9 The Turning (2020), 72.6 Zoom (2006), 69.6 Gulliver’s Travels (2010), 67.3 Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen (2004), 66.3 102 Dalmatians (2000), 65.3 Diary of a Wimpy Kid: The Long Haul (2017), 64.2 Valentine (2001), 57.9 The NeverEnding Story II: The Next Chapter (1990), 55.5 Hanging Up (2000), 55.4 Eye of the Beholder (1999), 55.2 Snow Dogs (2002), 54.3 The Divorce (2003), 53.9 Abandon (2002), 53.3 The Stepford Wives (2004), 52.4 Addicted (2014), 50.8 Freedomland (2006), 50.0 Kull: The Conqueror (1997), 49.9 King Solomon’s Mines (1985), 49.5 Thomas and the Magic Railroad (2000), 48.7 The Jungle Book 2 (2003)

BMT: Battlefield Earth (2000), Dragonball Evolution (2009), Cats (2019), Left Behind (2014), Fifty Shades of Grey (2015), Jaws 3-D (1983), One Missed Call (2008), Fifty Shades Darker (2017), Fifty Shades Freed (2018), The Bye Bye Man (2017), The Twilight Saga: New Moon (2009), Striptease (1996), The Island of Dr. Moreau (1996), Firestarter (2022), The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1 (2011), Tarot (2024), Meg 2: The Trench (2023), The Haunting (1999), Fair Game (1995), Eragon (2006), After We Fell (2021), North (1994), Monkeybone (2001), The Rage: Carrie 2 (1999), Conan the Barbarian (2011), After Ever Happy (2022), Exorcist: The Beginning (2004), An American Haunting (2005), The Snowman (2017), The Seeker: The Dark Is Rising (2007), Sliver (1993), Pinocchio (2002), The Musketeer (2001), Shanghai Surprise (1986), Get Carter (2000), Exit to Eden (1994), After (2019), Alex Cross (2012), Queen of the Damned (2002), Congo (1995), One for the Money (2012), The Ring Two (2005), The Circle (2017), Return to the Blue Lagoon (1991), Bless the Child (2000), Dreamcatcher (2003), Babylon A.D. (2008), I Love You, Beth Cooper (2009), Seventh Son (2014), Beastly (2011), Mortdecai (2015), Endless Love (1981), …

Best Options (Action): 72.6 Zoom (2006), 50.0 Kull: The Conqueror (1997), 49.9 King Solomon’s Mines (1985), 46.5 The Rhythm Section (2020), 44.4 That Darn Cat (1997), 44.2 The Divergent Series: Allegiant (2016), 44.1 Boiling Point (1993), 42.9 Yor: The Hunter from the Future (1983), 42.8 Pan (2015), 41.1 V.I. Warshawski (1991), 41.0 The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen (2003), 40.7 The Mortal Instruments: City of Bones (2013), 39.4 Stroker Ace (1983), 38.9 When Time Ran Out… (1980), 38.4 Desperate Hours (1990), 38.4 Cirque du Freak: The Vampire’s Assistant (2009), 37.3 Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter (2012), 36.6 Air America (1990), 35.3 The Fan (1996), 34.9 Hero and the Terror (1988), 33.8 The Time Machine (2002), 31.5 The Getaway (1994), 31.0 Van Helsing (2004), 30.6 Mortal Engines (2018), 30.3 Sahara (2005), 29.2 The Sentinel (2006), 29.1 The Girl in the Spider’s Web (2018), 27.8 The Divergent Series: Insurgent (2015), 27.7 Inferno (2016), 27.7 The Legend of Tarzan (2016), 27.6 Jack Reacher: Never Go Back (2016), 27.6 Next (2007), 27.1 American Assassin (2017), 26.9 Trapped (2002), 26.7 The Eagle (2011), 26.7 The Saint (1997), 25.6 Miracle at St. Anna (2008), 24.6 King Arthur (2004), 23.8 The November Man (2014), 23.5 Revenge (1990), 23.5 Proof of Life (2000), 22.3 Year of the Gun (1991), 21.7 The Jackal (1997), 21.0 Malone (1987), 20.9 The Three Musketeers (1993), …

(Sahara was on the radar, but as far as Dirk novels go it is kind of in the middle of the series. Same with Reacher. A lot of these are borderline (League of Extraordinary Gentlemen), or wouldn’t have a “Now a Major Motion Picture” book available. This one did though and is a classic in its own way.)

Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 16) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Chris O’Donnell is No. 1 billed in The Three Musketeers and No. 2 billed in In Love and War, which also stars Sandra Bullock (No. 1 billed) who is in Demolition Man (No. 3 billed) which also stars Sylvester Stallone (No. 1 billed) who is in The Expendables 3 (No. 1 billed) which also stars Jason Statham (No. 2 billed) who is in In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale (No. 1 billed) which also stars Leelee Sobieski (No. 3 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 1 billed) => (1 + 2) + (1 + 3) + (1 + 1) + (2 + 1) + (3 + 1) = 16. If we were to watch Eye for an Eye we can get the HoE Number down to 12.

Notes – Kiefer Sutherland, Chris O’Donnell, and Oliver Platt all endured six weeks of fencing and riding lessons. Charlie Sheen missed out on all of this, as he was then embroiled in the filming of Hot Shots! Part Deux (1993).

The dungeon scenes were filmed at Seegrotte, Austria, an old mine which was flooded early in 1900s due to an underground water source and was later used by the Nazi’s during World War II to conduct military research. The site is now open to the public and famous for its underground lake. The scene decoration of one of the prison cells, as well as the dragon-head boat are still kept intact at Seegrotte and can be visited.

After filming, Chris O’Donnell kept his sword. He jokingly claims this was by accident.

Mostly shot in Perchtoldsdorf, Austria, where Rebecca De Mornay attended high school and college.

Gabrielle Anwar was pregnant during filming and had to have her costumes let out.

Awards – Nominee for the Razzie Award for Worst Supporting Actor (Chris O’Donnell)

Krippendorf’s Tribe Preview

After spending a year in Hallston, it’s now time to get back to work. Patrick, Jamie and Kyle triple crack their knuckles and cozy up in their Brooklyn apartment rocking only the bulkiest of cable knit sweaters. “This is great!” Patrick exclaims sharpening a pencil. “Sure is!” Jamie agrees, testing out an eraser or two. “So what is this book about?” Kyle asks, spoiling the fun. Just when they were supposed to be completing Platonic Solids Series Part III: Cubey or Not Cubey they have found themselves confronted with the most dreaded Platonic Solid of them all… writer’s block. So far they had written one sentence: “Having consummated her swamp monster marriage to Kelton with some sweet swamp monster love in the Boggy Lands, Jewel was shocked to learn…” Learn what? The obvious answer was that she was pregnant, but their millions of fans had already predicted this online. They need a real twist-em-up or else Part III would never live up to the greatest finale a book series has ever seen. Kyle starts to form his lips in what looks suspiciously like the start of the word “mannequin” and Jamie and Patrick shush him preemptively. They distract themselves by picking up the mail and Patrick starts sweating bullets. Turns out, a year ago Patrick had promised to produce a new, rocking novel in exchange for pushing the release of Platonic Solids Series Part III. “When’s it due?” Jamie asks. Patrick gulps. “Tomorrow,” he rasps. What are they gonna do?! Suddenly Jamie has a thought. “What if we did write a new novel last year? And what if it’s rocking?” He quickly throws a blank cover on a copy of Platonic Solids Series Part I and scribbles on the front. “Bad Movie Tribe.” Patrick and Kyle are baffled. That’s right! New Year, new us? I’m not sure. All I’m sure about is that we are finally(?) watching the Dreyfuss classic Krippendorf’s Tribe. Based on a book that is now a major motion picture, I guess the best thing you can say about it is that it’s probably not as offensive as Soul Man, right? Right?! Let’s go!

Krippendorf’s Tribe (1998) – BMeTric: 41.1; Notability: 35

StreetCreditReport.com – BMeTric: top 8.8%; Notability: top 14.4%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 12.6%; Higher BMeT: The Avengers, 3 Ninjas: High Noon at Mega Mountain, Species II, I Still Know What You Did Last Summer, The Patriot, Lost in Space, Holy Man, Knock Off, Ringmaster, Major League: Back to the Minors, Godzilla, Air Bud: Golden Receiver, Barney’s Great Adventure, Jack Frost, Phantoms, Urban Legend, Home Fries, Tale of the Mummy, Legionnaire, My Giant, and 2 more; Higher Notability: 54, Godzilla, Patch Adams, U.S. Marshals, Goodbye Lover, The Waterboy, Mercury Rising, Mafia!, My Giant, Jack Frost, Senseless, Disturbing Behavior, Just the Ticket, Practical Magic, Half Baked, The Avengers, The Replacement Killers, The Odd Couple II, Lulu on the Bridge, Lost in Space, and 16 more; Lower RT: 3 Ninjas: High Noon at Mega Mountain, A Murder of Crows, The Curve, Lulu on the Bridge, The Avengers, Almost Heroes, Tarzan and the Lost City, Senseless, Strangeland, Species II, Phantoms, Knock Off, I Still Know What You Did Last Summer, Woo, Meet the Deedles, The Proposition, A Night at the Roxbury, Firestorm, Hush, Holy Man, and 11 more; Notes: We’ve watches 11 of the top 20 (and 7 of the top 10) for BMeT. Holy Man, being an Eddie Murphy film, is quite the blind spot. The Notability is impressive on this one, feels really rather small, right? It is just his family and Jenna Elfman basically.

RogerEbert.com – 2 stars – Is it possible to recommend a whole comedy on the basis of one scene that made you laugh almost uncontrollably? I fear not. And yet “Krippendorf’s Tribe” has such a scene, and many comedies have none. I was reminded of the dead parakeet that had its head taped back on, in “Dumb And Dumber.” A scene like that can redeem a lot of down time.

(I would never ever have guessed that that scene, for Roger Ebert, was the circumcision scene. He is very forgiving of a film I mostly remember as featuring a scene that would certainly be considered rape by today’s standards.)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_yZ2AKzt4IE/

(I mean … the trailer looks deeply offensive. What the fuck were we doing in 1998? How did this get past the planning stages? How did multiple people dress up in blackface and no one be like “wait a second…”)

Directors – Todd Holland – ( Future BMT: Firehouse Dog; BMT: The Wizard; Krippendorf’s Tribe; Notes: Directed and produced a lot of Malcolm in the Middle. He is very much a television director.)

Writers – Frank Parkin – ( Notes: The writer of the book. I honestly am stunned he got a credit, but I guess when you use such a distinctive name it is unavoidable. Also these things did feel a little more clear cut in the 90s.)

Charlie Peters – ( Known For: Three Men and a Little Lady; 5 Flights Up; My One and Only; Music from Another Room; Kiss Me Goodbye; Passed Away; Paternity; Future BMT: My Father the Hero; Her Alibi; BMT: Blame It on Rio; Krippendorf’s Tribe; Hot to Trot; Notes: My god, Blame it on Rio and Paternity. This guy is a legend (in my very specific bad movie / obscure movie circle).)

Actors – Richard Dreyfuss – ( Known For: Jaws; Stand by Me; RED; The Graduate; Close Encounters of the Third Kind; Polar; American Graffiti; Piranha 3D; What About Bob?; James and the Giant Peach; The American President; W.; Mr. Holland’s Opus; Always; Book Club; Stakeout; Leaves of Grass; Rosencrantz & Guildenstern Are Dead; Down and Out in Beverly Hills; Postcards from the Edge; Future BMT: Paranoia; My Life in Ruins; Another Stakeout; Let It Ride; The Crew; Silent Fall; Sweetwater; BMT: Poseidon; Krippendorf’s Tribe; Mad Dog Time; Notes: Notably considered an asshole. And amazingly was then hired to play a character who is, himself, quite an asshole. How fitting. Won and Oscar for The Goodbye Girl. Was nominated for Mr. Holland’s Opus.)

Jenna Elfman – ( Known For: Friends with Benefits; Doctor Dolittle; Grosse Pointe Blank; Can’t Hardly Wait; Keeping the Faith; Edtv; Looney Tunes: Back in Action; Barry; The Six Wives of Henry Lefay; Big Stone Gap; Love Hurts; Clifford’s Really Big Movie; BMT: Krippendorf’s Tribe; Town & Country; Notes: We talking Dharma? She was a strangely prolific actress in the late 90s. She was in 75 episodes of Fear the Walking Dead. So she’s still working. You can tell her career took off rather late because Elfman is her married name. She was Jenna Butala earlier.)

Natasha Lyonne – ( Known For: Glass Onion; American Pie; Uncut Gems; American Pie 2; Ad Astra; American Reunion; The Fantastic Four: First Steps; Robots; Kate & Leopold; DC League of Super-Pets; Sleeping with Other People; But I’m a Cheerleader; Detroit Rock City; Honey Boy; Everyone Says I Love You; Irresistible; Hello, My Name Is Doris; The Bad Guys 2; His Three Daughters; A Futile and Stupid Gesture; Future BMT: Blade: Trinity; Scary Movie 2; Dennis the Menace; BMT: Krippendorf’s Tribe; Smurfs; Show Dogs; Notes: She’s been nominated for five Emmys (for Poker Face, Russian Doll, and Orange is the New Black). I completely forgot she plays the daughter in this film.)

Budget/Gross – N/A / Domestic: $7,571,115 (Worldwide: $7,571,115)

(Truly the budget is unknown. I don’t think $7 million is going to cut it though.)

Rotten Tomatoes – 17% (7/41)

(Considering it is so poorly received it is amazing there are only two major reviews for the film. Was this like … barley released or something. How did we end up watching it I wonder.)

Reviewer Highlight: Krippendorf’s Tribe, a surprisingly enjoyable piece of piffle, is pure Disney all the way, replete with a wholly preposterous plot, engaging performances and a feel-good, lesson-teaching ending. – Mike Clark, USA Today

Poster – Sklogindorf’s Tribe

(I will never forget this poster for as long as I live. It was the cover of the VHS tape and it’s striking. Ugly as shit, but striking. I hate the sheer amount of white on the cover and pretty much everything about it, but you can’t deny it draws the eye. C.)

Tagline(s) – The last undiscovered tribe is about to expose themselves. (B)

(Obviously this is a play on Dreyfuss being nearly nude on the poster. But it also kind of plays on the fact that a sex tape plays a role in the plot. It’s too long and the double entendre just isn’t fun enough to draw you in (unless you happen to be drawn to Dreyfuss potentially appearing nude in the film. But it’s an A for effort.)

Keyword(s) – imdb-keyword-based-on-novel;based-on-book

Future BMT: 74.8 The Turning (2020), 72.5 Zoom (2006), 69.6 Gulliver’s Travels (2010), 67.3 Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen (2004), 66.3 102 Dalmatians (2000), 65.2 Diary of a Wimpy Kid: The Long Haul (2017), 64.2 Valentine (2001), 57.9 The NeverEnding Story II: The Next Chapter (1990), 55.5 Hanging Up (2000), 55.3 Eye of the Beholder (1999), 55.2 Snow Dogs (2002), 54.3 The Divorce (2003), 53.9 Abandon (2002), 53.3 The Stepford Wives (2004), 52.4 Addicted (2014), 50.8 Freedomland (2006), 50.0 Kull: The Conqueror (1997), 49.9 King Solomon’s Mines (1985), 49.5 Thomas and the Magic Railroad (2000), 48.7 The Jungle Book 2 (2003)

BMT: Battlefield Earth (2000), Dragonball Evolution (2009), Cats (2019), Left Behind (2014), Fifty Shades of Grey (2015), Jaws 3-D (1983), One Missed Call (2008), Fifty Shades Darker (2017), Fifty Shades Freed (2018), The Bye Bye Man (2017), The Twilight Saga: New Moon (2009), Striptease (1996), The Island of Dr. Moreau (1996), The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1 (2011), Firestarter (2022), Tarot (2024), Meg 2: The Trench (2023), The Haunting (1999), Fair Game (1995), Eragon (2006), After We Fell (2021), North (1994), Monkeybone (2001), The Rage: Carrie 2 (1999), Conan the Barbarian (2011), After Ever Happy (2022), Exorcist: The Beginning (2004), An American Haunting (2005), The Snowman (2017), The Seeker: The Dark Is Rising (2007), Sliver (1993), Pinocchio (2002), The Musketeer (2001), Shanghai Surprise (1986), Get Carter (2000), Exit to Eden (1994), After (2019), Alex Cross (2012), Queen of the Damned (2002), Congo (1995), One for the Money (2012), The Ring Two (2005), The Circle (2017), Return to the Blue Lagoon (1991), Bless the Child (2000), Endless Love (1981), Babylon A.D. (2008), Dreamcatcher (2003), …

Best Options (Comedy): 72.5 Zoom (2006), 69.6 Gulliver’s Travels (2010), 67.3 Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen (2004), 66.3 102 Dalmatians (2000), 65.2 Diary of a Wimpy Kid: The Long Haul (2017), 55.5 Hanging Up (2000), 55.2 Snow Dogs (2002), 54.3 The Divorce (2003), 53.3 The Stepford Wives (2004), 49.9 King Solomon’s Mines (1985), 49.5 Thomas and the Magic Railroad (2000), 48.7 The Jungle Book 2 (2003), 46.5 Sherlock Gnomes (2018), 46.0 Surviving Christmas (2004), 45.1 King Ralph (1991), 44.4 That Darn Cat (1997), 42.8 Pan (2015), 42.6 Deal of the Century (1983), 42.2 What’s the Worst That Could Happen? (2001), 41.5 Judy Moody and the Not Bummer Summer (2011), 41.1 Krippendorf’s Tribe (1998), 41.0 V.I. Warshawski (1991), 40.5 Admission (2013), 40.5 101 Dalmatians (1996), …

(We were originally going to do What’s the Worst That Could Happen? But then we realized, what the hell are we thinking! Of course we have to do Krippendorf’s Tribe. It is apparently a very weird book to consider adapting into a film.)

Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 15) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Richard Dreyfuss is No. 1 billed in Krippendorf’s Tribe and No. 2 billed in Poseidon, which also stars Kurt Russell (No. 1 billed) who is in Tango & Cash (No. 2 billed) which also stars Sylvester Stallone (No. 1 billed) who is in The Expendables 3 (No. 1 billed) which also stars Jason Statham (No. 2 billed) who is in In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale (No. 1 billed) which also stars Leelee Sobieski (No. 3 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 1 billed) => (1 + 2) + (1 + 2) + (1 + 1) + (2 + 1) + (3 + 1) = 15. If we were to watch The Crew we can get the HoE Number down to 13.

Notes – On Twitter, Richard Dreyfuss wrote, “I had so much fun with Jenna Elfman during ‘Krippendorf’. The movie was not very good, but we had some fun.”

On the set of this film, Richard Dreyfuss was interviewed for The Making of ‘Close Encounters of the Third Kind’ (2001) and he appears in this feature length documentary in the make-up and costume of James Krippendorf.

Robin Williams was originally attached to play James Krippendorf.

When writing the novel upon which this movie is based, Frank Parkin named the protagonist and his family after Klaus Krippendorf, a renowned communications scholar best known for his work on the role of communication in social construction and design. Parkin himself was a highly-regarded sociologist.

When Jenna Elfman’s character Veronica sees a promo at Best Buy for the documentary, “The Life of the Shelmikedmu”, she walks by a customer holding a VHS copy of Stakeout (1987), another movie released by Touchstone Pictures that stars Richard Dreyfuss.

The Watchers Preview

Gothika was experiencing the hottest month of record in June of 1843, but Monsieur Planchet was cool as a cucumber given the success of his hog farm. “Oui!,” he cried, “Oui, oui.” He cooled himself using the gold coins kept in his treasury and even his hogs got ice in their troughs (and we know what the French think of freely available ice). One day, as he was enjoying his gold, his daughter Porcina came by to tell him some splendid news. She was getting married to Henri! “Henri!” Monsieur Planchet cried, “No, no.” He stamped his feet and criticized Henri’s hog farming abilities. Look at his arms: so puny. Look at his legs: too long. “No, no,” he cried again. But Procina was in love and that night she stole away with Henri and eloped. “No, no!” Monsieur Planchet cried and finding Henri he again explained about the arms and legs. Henri was insulted. “I shall be the best hog farmer in Grand Paris,” he shouted at Monsieur Planchet who let out an astonished “No.” Henri put a finger in his face and uttered one word: “Oui.” Later that year, just as the heat broke, Monsieur Planchet opened his copy of Hog Weekly and was astonished to find that his name was no longer at the top. Henri! And in record time! Monsieur Planchet stormed into Paris to confront Henri and in the ensuing scuffle Henri was knocked into the industrial sausage maker. Porcina, in her despair, cursed her father and hog farming as an occupation.

After hearing the story, Patrick is led by the librarian to Henri’s old farm. Turns out that it is the very farm that Pierre had them working! The hairs stand up on his neck. Is it just him or are they being… watched. That’s right we are back in the BMT Live! Taking advantage of the latest film by M. Night Shyamalan… oh, hold up… actually no, this is by his daughter Ishana Night Shyamalan… uh oh. Let’s go!

The Watchers (2024) – BMeTric: 35.9; Notability: 18

StreetCreditReport.com – BMeTric: top 7.2%; Notability: top 4.4%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 19.1%; Higher BMeT: Madame Web, The American Society of Magical Negroes, Night Swim, Trigger Warning, The Strangers: Chapter 1, Tarot, Rebel Moon – Part Two: The Scargiver, Imaginary, Mother of the Bride, Megamind vs. The Doom Syndicate, Mea Culpa, Miller’s Girl, Lift, Atlas, A Family Affair, Argylle, Role Play, Damaged; Higher Notability: The Garfield Movie, Argylle, Back to Black, Madame Web, Lift, Rebel Moon – Part Two: The Scargiver, Atlas, A Family Affair, The Strangers: Chapter 1, Summer Camp, Lights Out; Lower RT: The Painter, Wanted Man, Summer Camp, Megamind vs. The Doom Syndicate, Air Force One Down, Not Another Church Movie, Madame Web, Mother of the Bride, Rebel Moon – Part Two: The Scargiver, Woody Woodpecker Goes to Camp, Mea Culpa, Breathe, Atlas, Tarot, Trigger Warning, Camp Pleasant Lake, Night Swim, Cash Out, The Strangers: Chapter 1, Imaginary, and 9 more; Notes: Yeah always tough with Lives to figure out what is up. The Notability will be tiny forever, but that BMeT is pretty good. I think we’ll have at least 10/12 top BMeT films by the time all is said and done.

RogerEbert.com – 2.0 stars – When it comes to kooky, creative thrillers, Shyamalan is practically a brand. Though M. Night is the present precedent for this surname, his daughter Ishana hopes to carry the torch into the next generation, making a name for herself in a similar genre. … Shyamalan falters in picking between a fairytale and a horror story, and the film’s potential gets lost in her indecision. Though ideas and attempts at depth are present, they’re thin, and the film fails to stand its ground. “The Watchers” prompts curiosity that’s never entirely fulfilled, displaying a director who is ambitious but still very much at the foundational levels of her artistry.

(I’m actually a bit surprised this is a 2/4 star film based on this excerpt. It feels slightly lower. Just feels like the vibe is: fails to be interesting in any way … mid-tier. Reviewers need to remember what a bad film is. This is a bad film.)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dYo91Fq9tKY/

(Oh I hate the music. And yeah, this is just a classic Shyamalan film vibe. Looks pretty good, but just really thinking a lot of itself without earning it.)

Directors – Ishana Shyamalan – ( Known For: Old; BMT: The Watchers; Notes: For Old she was second unit obviously. The daughter of M. Night. Both of his daughters featured in films this year.)

Writers – Ishana Shyamalan – ( BMT: The Watchers; Notes: She also wrote a television series called The Servant which I’ve never heard of. Reading the description it also has that specific Twilight Zone / Shyamalan vibe to it.)

A.M. Shine – ( BMT: The Watchers; Notes: The author of the book this is based on.)

Actors – Dakota Fanning – ( Known For: Once Upon a Time… in Hollywood; War of the Worlds; Coraline; The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 2; The Twilight Saga: Eclipse; Ocean’s Eight; The Equalizer 3; The Runaways; Charlotte’s Web; Brimstone; Now Is Good; The Secret Life of Bees; American Pastoral; Night Moves; Very Good Girls; Please Stand By; Dreamer; Every Secret Thing; Winged Creatures; Nine Lives; Future BMT: Man on Fire; I Am Sam; Push; Hide and Seek; Uptown Girls; Trapped; Tomcats; BMT: The Twilight Saga: New Moon; Sweet Home Alabama; The Cat in the Hat; The Watchers; Notes: A famous child actor, I remember her specifically for War of the Worlds and Man on Fire. Spoiler: I thought she was terrible in this film, but then she’s nominated for an Emmy for Ripley this year, so go figure.)

Georgina Campbell – ( Known For: Barbarian; Bird Box: Barcelona; All My Friends Hate Me; T.I.M.; Lovely, Dark, and Deep; Future BMT: King Arthur: Legend of the Sword; BMT: The Watchers; Notes: I don’t really recognize her from anything. She’s British, and given she was in the Bird Box sequel I assume she’s fully plugged into the Netflix zone.)

Olwen Fouéré – ( Known For: The Northman; Mandy; Texas Chainsaw Massacre; This Must Be the Place; The Survivalist; Beast; Sea Fever; Space Truckers; Zone 414; She Will; Animals; Cult Killer; Joyride; Sunrise; The Sleep of Death; Future BMT: Fantastic Beasts: The Crimes of Grindelwald; Tarot; BMT: The Watchers; Notes: I think we’ll see her again in Tarot at the end of the year funny enough. She might also be the only actor from Ireland proper in the whole film? Even Oliver Finnegan seems like he’s British and either putting on the accent, or he’s from Northern Ireland, it is hard to tell.)

Budget/Gross – $30 million / Domestic: $19,024,487 (Worldwide: $51,224,487)

(That worldwide number isn’t too bad. I cannot figure out how this film would have cost $30 million though. M. Night usually is pretty good at keeping costs down since he tends to finance his own stuff at least in part. Maybe not the case with his daughter.)

Rotten Tomatoes – 32% (54/169): Heavy on eerie mood but undone by an obtuse script, The Watchers can only hold the gaze for so long before tedium sets in.

(Sounds about right. Given this is in the 30s I’m a bit surprised in retrospect that we chose to watch it, but we always get a bit skittish and we had a glut of Horror films available to us, so probably will end up being smart in the end.)

Reviewer Highlight: The Watchers is not nearly as cerebral; it’s less a political (or showbiz) allegory than a fable about our shared capacity for change. It’s a theme that’s ultimately addressed so plangently that it has the opposite effect and borders on goofiness… – Adam Nayman, The Ringer

Poster – Dem Peepers

(Cooooooool. This time I am being a bit ironic. It looks like a 2003 album cover for a nu metal band. In other words, super rad. C-)

Tagline(s) – Let Them See You (C-)

(Blessedly short, but without the context of the film this is totally meaningless. It’s just a line from the film.)

Keyword(s) – 2024-2024

Top 10: Dune: Part Two (2024), Road House (2024), Civil War (2024), Furiosa: A Mad Max Saga (2024), The Fall Guy (2024), The Beekeeper (2024), Damsel (2024), Godzilla x Kong: The New Empire (2024), Argylle (2024), Challengers (2024)

Future BMT: 67.5 The American Society of Magical Negroes (2024), 64.5 Night Swim (2024), 59.2 The Strangers: Chapter 1 (2024), 58.3 Tarot (2024), 57.5 Imaginary (2024), 30.3 The Exorcism (2024), 28.8 The Garfield Movie (2024), 21.0 Not Another Church Movie (2024), 16.8 Back to Black (2024), 10.5 Summer Camp (2024)

BMT: Madame Web (2024), Argylle (2024), The Watchers (2024)

Best Options (imdb-keyword-creature): 35.1 The Watchers (2024)

(Hooray, the only one! Realistically though you can look and see we still got Tarot and Night Swim available for horror, so it was good to smash one of these out.)

Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 15) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Dakota Fanning is No. 1 billed in The Watchers and No. 2 billed in The Cat in the Hat, which also stars Mike Myers (No. 1 billed) who is in The Love Guru (No. 1 billed) which also stars Jessica Alba (No. 2 billed) who is in Mechanic: Resurrection (No. 2 billed) which also stars Jason Statham (No. 1 billed) who is in In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale (No. 1 billed) which also stars Leelee Sobieski (No. 3 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 1 billed) => (1 + 2) + (1 + 1) + (2 + 2) + (1 + 1) + (3 + 1) = 15. If we were to watch Hide and Seek we can get the HoE Number down to 12.

Notes – Based on the book ‘The Watchers’ by A.M. Shine.

Originally titled as ‘The Watchers’, it was later changed to ‘The Watched’ in the UK and Ireland to avoid confusion with the Netflix series ‘The Watcher’.

Ishana Shyamalan’s directorial debut in a feature movie. She also directed some episodes of the series Servant.

Mina and her sister Lucy appear to have been named after the best friends from Bram Stoker’s Dracula.

This is the first film from New Line to debut the 2024 New Line Cinema logo with the fanfare.

The Dark Tower Preview

The beautiful lady introduces herself as Samantha and Patrick can tell by the look in Jamie’s eyes that he’s already a goner. Patrick looks at Jamie’s half horse costume and wonders whether “The Eyes are the Window to the Soul” lesson has already gone too far off the tracks. Although, the way that Samantha is eying how the horse’s costume behind hugs Jamie’s own behind makes Patrick think that all is not lost. He sidles up to Jamie and whispers out of the side of his mouth, “I hope you got jorts under that horse costume, cause we’re gonna razzle dazzle with a patented Twin California Two Step.” Before Jamie can nod, Kyle sidles up on his other side and whispers, “Hope you guys know the Triplet Ohio Three Step, cause we’re all in this together.” This is thoroughly confusing. As everyone knows, there is no Triplet Ohio Three Step and Kyle has never danced in his life. Before they can utter a “What thuuu…,” though, Samantha grabs Jamie’s arm and alerts him to the music cue indicating that their time on stage is now. “This is really important to me,” she says breathlessly and no more convincing is needed to get Jamie and Samantha galloping their way to the stage. “Welp, Kyle, good thing the Twin California Two Step has a variation involving a horse.” With that they jump on to stage and “razzle dazzle” would be an understatement. The crowd is stunned. The horse is grooving while Patrick flings Kyle from one side of the catwalk to the other. Just as they are about to finish, though, Jamie bursts from the costume and grabs Patrick by his jean jacket. “What’s the deal, man, you trying to steal my girl?” Looks like things are about to get rough. That’s right! We are actually doubling up for next week by watching not just 2017’s Fist Fight, but also 2017’s The Dark Tower. Why? Is there some hidden connection between these two apparently unrelated films? Nope. They are indeed unrelated. It’s just that we needed Fist Fight for a connection to Fool’s Paradise and I couldn’t handle not watching the Stephen King adaptation disaster. So why not both? Let’s go!

The Dark Tower (2017) – BMeTric: 47.8; Notability: 51

StreetCreditReport.com – BMeTric: top 10.8%; Notability: top 6.0%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 5.6%; Higher BMeT: The Emoji Movie, Jeepers Creepers III, Fifty Shades Darker, Death Note, Tubelight, Rings, The Bye Bye Man, Day of the Dead: Bloodline, Snatched, Transformers: The Last Knight, The Humanity Bureau, Leatherface, The Layover, The Snowman, Amityville: The Awakening, Flatliners, Geostorm, The Circle, Wish Upon, The Mummy, and 7 more; Higher Notability: Transformers: The Last Knight, Justice League, Sandy Wexler, Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales, The Mummy, The Emoji Movie, King Arthur: Legend of the Sword, Bright, The Current War, Geostorm, CHIPS, Tulip Fever, Suburbicon, Baywatch, American Assassin; Lower RT: Naked, The Layover, Flatliners, Hangman, The Emoji Movie, The Snowman, Rings, Tulip Fever, American Renegades, Fifty Shades Darker, Day of the Dead: Bloodline, The Vanishing of Sidney Hall, First Kill, The Mummy; Notes: I already ran through the top ones in the Fist Fight preview. I’ll say, a little surprised Amityville: The Awakening could even drum up enough interest to get a halfway decent BMeT. There’s 15K votes on IMDb, which seems absurd. It is just one of the many random Amityville “sequels” made in the last 10 years.

RogerEbert.com – 1.5 stars – “The man in black fled across the desert, and the gunslinger followed.” With that great opening line, an obsession began for millions of readers of Stephen King’s series of books that would eventually be known as The Dark Tower. … I only mention all of this to place the failure of the long-delayed “The Dark Tower” in the right perspective: this isn’t just a mediocre movie—although it is most definitely that—it is a wasted opportunity to fulfill the promise of that opening line from 35 years ago. … “The Dark Tower” is hollow. It is soulless. It is a film that never quite figured out what it wanted to be, and so elected to be nothing much at all. Worst of all, it’s clearly been chopped up by those reported reshoots and test screening edits.

(This review appears to be from a genuine fan who was somewhat distraught by what the movie was. Which is interesting. I have heard the last part of the series gets a bit wonky, so that does seem to bear it out. The first is kind of a world building exercise. Then there is an excellent sci-fi- trilogy, and then a wonky concluding almost-meta trilogy I think.)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wZC5FoJ-cPU/

(Looks pretty okay, and got some good actors. Doing a decent job hiding the fact that the main character is actually the kid … which causes some issues for the film I feel like. Should have started from the first book honestly.)

Directors – Nikolaj Arcel – ( Known For: A Royal Affair; The Promised Land; Kongekabale; De fortabte sjæles ø; Truth About Men; BMT: The Dark Tower; Notes: )

Writers – Akiva Goldsman – ( Known For: A Beautiful Mind; I Am Legend; I, Robot; Cinderella Man; A Time to Kill; The Client; Future BMT: The Da Vinci Code; Angels & Demons; The Divergent Series: Insurgent; Practical Magic; Silent Fall; BMT: Batman & Robin; Batman Forever; Transformers: The Last Knight; The Dark Tower; The 5th Wave; Lost in Space; Winter’s Tale; Rings; Notes: From the man who butchered I, Robot I suppose. He seems like a guy who is often brought in for heavy adaptations. Won an Oscar for A Beautiful Mind.)

Jeff Pinkner – ( Known For: The Amazing Spider-Man 2; Jumanji: Welcome to the Jungle; Jumanji: The Next Level; Future BMT: Venom; BMT: The Dark Tower; The 5th Wave; Notes: Classic career. Went from 90s television, to regular script work, to now being enlisted for big adaptations of random franchises. He’s apparently writing an adaptation of the cartoon M.A.S.K. It seems quite far along, has other writers and a director attached including Michael Chabon.)

Anders Thomas Jensen – ( Known For: Brothers; Antichrist; The Duchess; Riders of Justice; Adam’s Apples; The Salvation; In a Better World; After the Wedding; The Green Butchers; Flickering Lights; In China They Eat Dogs; Love Is All You Need; Men & Chicken; Red Road; Brothers; Open Hearts; Gamle mænd i nye biler; The Promised Land; Wilbur Wants to Kill Himself; Mifune; BMT: The Dark Tower; Notes: Oh he wrote The Promised Land. That is supposed to be quite good. Stars Mads Mikkelsen, and this guy actually kind of looks like him.)

Nikolaj Arcel – ( Known For: The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo; Riders of Justice; A Royal Affair; Department Q: The Keeper of Lost Causes; Department Q: The Absent One; Department Q: A Conspiracy of Faith; The Promised Land; Kongekabale; Rejsen til Saturn; De fortabte sjæles ø; Fighter; Truth About Men; A Death Sentence; Cecilie; Future BMT: Catch That Kid; BMT: The Dark Tower; Notes: The Director of The Promised Land … I’m going to guess this wasn’t a super great experience in Hollywood. At least Arcel made Catch that Kid and a few other maybe more normal Hollywood experiences.)

Stephen King – ( Known For: The Shawshank Redemption; The Green Mile; The Shining; It; Stand by Me; The Mist; It Chapter Two; 1408; Misery; Doctor Sleep; Secret Window; Carrie; The Running Man; Carrie; Gerald’s Game; Pet Sematary; Pet Sematary; Christine; The Dead Zone; 1922; Future BMT: Children of the Corn; Thinner; Creepshow 2; Needful Things; Sleepwalkers; The Mangler; Children of the Corn II: The Final Sacrifice; BMT: The Dark Tower; Dreamcatcher; The Lawnmower Man; Firestarter; Maximum Overdrive; Firestarter; The Rage: Carrie 2; Graveyard Shift; Notes: Our 9th King eh. And seven to go. I think we can knock that down to at least 5 this year. I remembering reading somewhere that the meta elements from these books grew out of his experience of almost dying after getting hit by a car in Maine.)

Actors – Idris Elba – ( Known For: Avengers: Infinity War; Avengers: Age of Ultron; Thor; Thor: Ragnarok; Thor: The Dark World; Prometheus; Zootopia; Pacific Rim; American Gangster; The Suicide Squad; Thor: Love and Thunder; Finding Dory; 28 Weeks Later; The Jungle Book; RocknRolla; Star Trek Beyond; Fast & Furious Presents: Hobbs & Shaw; Molly’s Game; Extraction II; The Losers; Future BMT: The Mountain Between Us; Takers; The Unborn; The Reaping; Prom Night; Obsessed; No Good Deed; Daddy’s Little Girls; The Gospel; BMT: The Dark Tower; Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance; Cats; The Gunman; Notes: Nominated for five Emmys, mostly for Luther. Was always swirling around as a possible Bond guy, and obviously quite famous for playing Stringer Bell in The Wire.)

Matthew McConaughey – ( Known For: Interstellar; The Wolf of Wall Street; Dallas Buyers Club; Tropic Thunder; The Gentlemen; Contact; How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days; The Lincoln Lawyer; Dazed and Confused; Sing; Mud; A Time to Kill; Magic Mike; Reign of Fire; Kubo and the Two Strings; Frailty; U-571; Sing 2; Killer Joe; Amistad; Future BMT: Sahara; Two for the Money; Paparazzi; Larger Than Life; My Boyfriend’s Back; BMT: The Dark Tower; Ghosts of Girlfriends Past; The Wedding Planner; Failure to Launch; Fool’s Gold; Serenity; Angels in the Outfield; Tiptoes; Notes: Famously a true blue Texas guy. He had the McConaughissaince a few years ago after years of doing romantic movies and being in the wilderness a bit, starting from winning the Oscar for Dallas Buyers Club. Now I think he mostly sells Lincolns? I was joking until I saw his upcoming projects, he’s kind of done nothing of note for the last few years and doesn’t have much upcoming either.)

Tom Taylor – ( Known For: The Kid Who Would Be King; BMT: The Dark Tower; Notes: Kid actor in this film, he’s been cast in the next season of House of the Dragon as a Stark.)

Budget/Gross – $60,000,000 / Domestic: $50,701,325 (Worldwide: $113,232,316)

(Pretty disastrous, at least bad enough that I’m not surprised they nixed all film and television projects related to it. Surprisingly low budget.)

Rotten Tomatoes – 15% (43/279): Go then, there are other Stephen King adaptations than these.

(Wow, 15% is quite a bit lower than I expected. And there certainly a lot of Stephen King adaptations to potentially avoid watching bad ones.)

Reviewer Highlight: About the only thing holding it together is Idris Elba, whose irrepressible magnetism and man-of-stone solidity anchors this mess but can’t redeem it. – Manohla Dargis, New York Times

Poster – The Dork Tower

(Inception, ever heard of it? Trying to incept our minds into thinking we want to see this film. C.)

Tagline(s) – There are other worlds than these (D)

(Cool story, bro.)

Keyword(s) – 2015-2023

Top 10: Avengers: Endgame (2019), Avengers: Infinity War (2018), Deadpool (2016), Mad Max: Fury Road (2015), Star Wars: Episode VII – The Force Awakens (2015), Parasite (2019), Avengers: Age of Ultron (2015), The Martian (2015), The Revenant (2015), Spider-Man: No Way Home (2021)

Future BMT: 85.1 Winnie the Pooh: Blood and Honey (2023), 79.3 Jeepers Creepers III (2017), 78.9 Black Christmas (2019), 76.1 Jeepers Creepers: Reborn (2022), 74.6 The Grudge (2020), 73.6 The Turning (2020), 71.2 Paranormal Activity: The Ghost Dimension (2015), 70.7 Snatched (2017), 68.7 Norm of the North (2016), 68.6 Poltergeist (2015), 68.3 Meet the Blacks (2016), 67.0 Max Steel (2016), 66.4 The Disappointments Room (2016), 66.3 God’s Not Dead 2 (2016), 64.7 Brahms: The Boy II (2020), 64.5 Blair Witch (2016), 63.4 Hot Tub Time Machine 2 (2015), 62.7 Diary of a Wimpy Kid: The Long Haul (2017), 61.2 Like a Boss (2020), 61.0 Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Road Chip (2015)

BMT: The Emoji Movie (2017), Fifty Shades of Grey (2015), Slender Man (2018), Fantastic Four (2015), Holmes & Watson (2018), Fifty Shades of Black (2016), Space Jam: A New Legacy (2021), Fifty Shades Freed (2018), Fifty Shades Darker (2017), Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2 (2015), Rings (2017), The Bye Bye Man (2017), Zoolander 2 (2016), The Gallows (2015), The Boy Next Door (2015), The Ridiculous 6 (2015), Fantasy Island (2020), The Exorcist: Believer (2023), Firestarter (2022), Expend4bles (2023), Meg 2: The Trench (2023), Moonfall (2022), After We Fell (2021), Blacklight (2022), Independence Day: Resurgence (2016), Transformers: The Last Knight (2017), Morbius (2022), Hot Pursuit (2015), The 5th Wave (2016), Hellboy (2019), The Snowman (2017), Resident Evil: Welcome to Raccoon City (2021),…

Best Options (Fools Paradise): 70.7 Snatched (2017), 68.7 Norm of the North (2016), 68.3 Meet the Blacks (2016), 66.4 The Disappointments Room (2016), 48.2 Insidious: The Red Door (2023), 44.7 Fist Fight (2017), 43.8 House Party (2023), 43.2 Underworld: Blood Wars (2016), 38.9 Masterminds (2015), 31.0 Wonder Park (2019), 30.4 Vacation (2015), 27.3 The Comedian (2016), 23.2 Secret in Their Eyes (2015), 18.7 Entourage (2015), 18.5 Peppermint (2018), 14.9 The Book of Henry (2017)

(And there’s the rub. You see, we wanted to do The Dark Tower, but we couldn’t fit it into the cycle as the 2017 entry because that had to be used in the Chain … so we cheated a bit and did it as a bonus. No regrets.)

Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 14) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Idris Elba is No. 1 billed in The Dark Tower and No. 4 billed in Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance, which also stars Nicolas Cage (No. 1 billed) who is in The Wicker Man (No. 1 billed) which also stars Leelee Sobieski (No. 6 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 1 billed) => (1 + 4) + (1 + 1) + (6 + 1) = 14. If we were to watch Two for the Money we can get the HoE Number down to 10.

Notes – The Dark Tower is a series of eight books which span an entire connected universe which links several other books and stories by Stephen King, including Bag of Bones, The Talisman, Black House, The Stand, Everything’s Eventual, From a Buick 8, Hearts in Atlantis, Insomnia, The Eyes of the Dragon, and ‘Salem’s Lot, with minor references to IT, The Mist, and The Shining.

During the first act of the film, several Stephen King Easter eggs are visible. The twins from The Shining (1980), the hotel from The Shining (but in a photograph), the family (including the dog) from Cujo (1983), and the car from Christine (1983) (as the toy pushed by Jake in his room) are each shown briefly. Toward the end, there is the Rita Hayworth picture from The Shawshank Redemption (1994). Not to mention the ‘Pennywise’ theme park. The portal that Jake’s told to remember as his way back is 1408, title of 1408 (2007).

According to an introduction by Stephen King in one of his books, The Good, the Bad and the Ugly (1966) along with the “Lord of the Rings” book series, is the primary influence for his book series: “The Dark Tower.”

Roland sees a TV commercial with talking raccoons and asks Jake if ‘animals still talk here’. This is a nod to the character Oy in the books; a talking raccoon-like creature called a Billy Bumbler whom Jake befriends.

Dr. Hotchkiss, Jake’s psychiatrist, has a picture in his office of the Overlook Hotel, from The Shining (1980), another film based on a Stephen King novel.

Killer Elite Preview

Jamie and Patrick sit and watch Citizen Kane. Tears pour down their faces. It’s beautiful. “It’s Citizen Kane by a length!” The announcer calls as the horse crosses the finish line. The mayor pounds them on the shoulder, “She’s a real classic. These horses are so fresh. We’re doing boffo business!” Patrick wipes the tears from his face. Indeed, what they have accomplished is boffo, but even he can admit that they really should stop fooling around. While it seemed important to establish themselves in their new town, this whole racetrack business is really more of a Bad Movie Twins thing. He turns to Jamie to tell him to get the DVD player warmed up for some CK action, but he’s annoyed to find him talking once again with Jamie, the cowgirl they have been using to corral the horses that are a little too fresh. “Hey Patrick,” Jamie (the cowgirl) says, “me and Jamie were talking about catching a movie. I think it’s called Big Ass Crane. About a sentient crane that threatens Houston.” Patrick scowls, skeptical about how good BAC could possibly be. “I really want you to come, too,” Jamie (the cowgirl) says, placing her hand on Patrick’s. Patrick is startled (he’s a happily married man with 6 children!) and looks down at his Good Movie Rulez. Rule #5 – Love Triangle. “Uhhhh, no,” Patrick says quickly, “Why don’t you go back to the house and watch Citizen Kane together?” He adds helpfully. The Jamie’s nod, warming to the idea. “More like Citizen Crane, right?” Jamie (not the cowgirl) says, playfully. Patrick breathes a sigh of a relief and changes Rule #5 to Love Story. “Yeah that’s elite,” the mayor says looking over his shoulder. “It’s not elite,” Patrick says mockingly before putting on his sunglasses. “It’s killer.” That’s right! Not the best segue into a movie about ye olde assassins, but it’ll have to do. I feel like in my head I conflated this film with Righteous Kill. I was fully expecting this to be about police officers or something. But it’s not… it’s about something totally different. Let’s go!

Killer Elite (2011) – BMeTric: 21.7; Notability: 40

StreetCreditReport.com – BMeTric: top 32.4%; Notability: top 14.8%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 25.0%; Higher BMeT: Jack and Jill, The Human Centipede 2 (Full Sequence), Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance, Spy Kids 4: All the Time in the World, Shark Night, Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked, Big Mommas: Like Father, Like Son, Bucky Larson: Born to Be a Star, The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1, The Roommate, The Darkest Hour, Hellraiser: Revelations, Conan the Barbarian, Abduction, I Don’t Know How She Does It, Hoodwinked Too! Hood vs. Evil, Zookeeper, Apollo 18, Twixt, The Dilemma, and 61 more; Higher Notability: Transformers: Dark of the Moon, Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides, Green Lantern, The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1, Hop, Cars 2, The Smurfs, Your Highness, New Year’s Eve, Red Riding Hood, Jack and Jill, Battle Los Angeles, Hoodwinked Too! Hood vs. Evil, Sucker Punch, I Am Number Four, The Hangover Part II, In Time, Johnny English Reborn, Larry Crowne, Priest, and 17 more; Lower RT: You May Not Kiss the Bride, Hellraiser: Revelations, Jack and Jill, Bucky Larson: Born to Be a Star, The Roommate, A Little Bit of Heaven, Hick, Abduction, Big Mommas: Like Father, Like Son, Dream House, New Year’s Eve, Trespass, Honey 2, Red Riding Hood, Creature, Season of the Witch, Hoodwinked Too! Hood vs. Evil, Atlas Shrugged: Part I, The Darkest Hour, Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked, and 40 more; Notes: That is a shockingly low Notability now that I look at it. A film like this just feels like it should have 70 well known people in it.

RogerEbert.com – 3.0 stars – “Killer Elite” is inspired by a story that ingeniously finds a way to explain why two teams of ex-SAS men would want to kill each other. That doubles the possibilities for casting, and here Jason Statham and Clive Owen, who in fact have no reason to dislike each other, are engaged in a deadly game of international murder. Robert De Niro plays a hostage taken by a sheik of Oman, who uses him to settle a score neither team has any reason to care about, so basically what’s at stake is their professionalism.

(Wow. What a zag by Roger. Although this would have been prime time “good for what it is” Ebert, so actually it makes a lot of sense.)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2Q8VIPJAox8/

(I remember this trailer so distinctly. Specifically the flip with the chair onto Clive Owen. Incredible use of Rock you like a Hurricane as well.)

Directors – Gary McKendry – ( BMT: Killer Elite; Notes: How bizarre. He directed an Oscar nominated short, then this, then one more short and then … literally nothing else? That seems insane. He one effort was a Statham, Owen, De Niro picture?)

Writers – Matt Sherring – ( BMT: Killer Elite; Notes: And this guy just has a single other thing in development maybe? How did this thing get made?)

Ranulph Fiennes – (BMT: Killer Elite; Notes: He wrote the book … this movie is based on a book. And this guy is nuts. He was a famous adventurer, and tried to blow up the Dr. Doolittle set as some sort of protest.)

Actors – Jason Statham – ( Known For: Operation Fortune: Ruse de guerre; F9: The Fast Saga; Wrath of Man; Snatch; Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels; Furious 7; The Italian Job; The Meg; Collateral; The Fate of the Furious; Fast & Furious Presents: Hobbs & Shaw; Furious 6; The Expendables; Spy; The Bank Job; The Expendables 2; The Transporter; Death Race; Homefront; Wild Card; Future BMT: The Pink Panther; War; The One; Turn It Up; BMT: The Expendables 3; Crank; Killer Elite; Crank: High Voltage; Mechanic: Resurrection; In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale; Ghosts of Mars; Notes: Was on the National British Diving Team. One funny story I remember from a podcast I listened to in like 2011 was that a comedian’s ex-girlfriend was dating Statham and he wanted so badly to hate him, but it turned out Statham is hilarious, really nice, and extraordinarily handsome, so he actually just ended up really enjoying the few times he’s met him.)

Clive Owen – ( Known For: Sin City; Closer; Inside Man; Children of Men; The Bourne Identity; The Informer; Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets; Gosford Park; Trust; Anon; Shoot ‘Em Up; Croupier; Last Knights; Ophelia; Close My Eyes; The International; Duplicity; Blood Ties; The Song of Names; Bent; Future BMT: King Arthur; Gemini Man; The Pink Panther; Derailed; Elizabeth: The Golden Age; Beyond Borders; The Rich Man’s Wife; BMT: Killer Elite; Notes: Nominated for an Oscar for Closer (remember that guy?). He ended up almost being as famous for starring in The Knick than anything else. Was Bill Clinton in American Crime Story?)

Robert De Niro – ( Known For: Joker; Goodfellas; Heat; Taxi Driver; The Godfather Part II; American Hustle; The Irishman; Cape Fear; Once Upon a Time in America; Casino; Sleepers; Silver Linings Playbook; Stardust; The Deer Hunter; A Bronx Tale; Limitless; The Untouchables; Raging Bull; Jackie Brown; Ronin; Future BMT: The Family; Great Expectations; Shark Tale; Meet the Fockers; The War with Grandpa; Little Fockers; Arthur and the Invisibles; Hide and Seek; Showtime; Analyze That; The Fan; 15 Minutes; The Comedian; Stanley & Iris; BMT: Amsterdam; Dirty Grandpa; Killer Elite; Righteous Kill; The Big Wedding; New Year’s Eve; Grudge Match; Godsend; Razzie Notes: Nominee for Worst Actor for Dirty Grandpa in 2017; and Nominee for Worst Screen Couple in 2003 for I Spy, Showtime, and The Adventures of Pluto Nash; Notes: Y’all know De Niro. Six time nominated for Best Actor (won twice for Raging Bull and Godfather Part II). And he’s still working. Mostly it is in comedies as a mea grandpa or something, but he still will show up in things like The Irishman and Amsterdam.)

Budget/Gross – $70,000,000 / Domestic: $25,124,966 (Worldwide: $57,084,522)

(Oooooof there it is. Why would you give $70 million to an unproven director and writer. Wait … what year was this made? See 2011 it feels like they were already not funding dumb stuff, so how did this slip through?)

Rotten Tomatoes – 28% (35/127): A rote, utterly disposable Jason Statham vehicle that just happens to have Clive Owen and Robert De Niro in it.

(I mean … slammed? Now it makes a bit more sense. So they thought they could elevate it, but it just ended up wallowing in the mud with Statham. No offense to him, they said it not me.)

Reviewer Highlight: Clumsily directed by Gary McKendry and poorly written by Matt Sherring, rookies both, the convoluted movie collapses under the weight of its own cliches. – Peter Howell, Toronto Star

Poster – Killer Snore-lite

(I like the orange, but that’s about it. Old school framing and the scene itself is just a bunch of people standing around in black and white. Very middle of the road. C.)

Tagline(s) – May the Best Man Live (A, but sarcastic. Like a cheeky A.)

(Wooooow. That is a punch in the gut right there. May the best man live. It’s so close to a self parody that maybe it’s perfect. Maybe it’s the best tagline of all time and you will never know it.)

Keyword(s) – good

Top 10: Good Will Hunting (1997), The Hunger Games: Catching Fire (2013), Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire (2005), The Great Gatsby (2013), Hot Fuzz (2007), Dr. Strangelove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb (1964), Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them (2016), The Wizard of Oz (1939), Man on Fire (2004), The Nice Guys (2016)

Future BMT: 67.1 Phat Girlz (2006), 63.2 Hot Tub Time Machine 2 (2015), 60.6 Like a Boss (2020), 51.8 Playing with Fire (2019), 51.6 The Boss (2016), 51.1 Johnny Be Good (1988), 50.7 The Hot Chick (2002), 50.0 Arthur 2: On the Rocks (1988), 48.4 Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer (2007), 47.2 Barney’s Great Adventure (1998), 45.1 Fly Me to the Moon 3D (2007), 44.9 Fantastic Four (2005), 40.4 No Good Deed (2014), 39.5 Good Burger (1997), 37.2 The Great Wall (2016), 37.0 Stroker Ace (1983), 36.3 Milk Money (1994), 34.7 Mad Money (2008), 34.3 Mo’ Money (1992), 32.1 Good Deeds (2012)

BMT: Epic Movie (2007), Fantastic Four (2015), The Ridiculous 6 (2015), Cool as Ice (1991), Cool World (1992), A Good Day to Die Hard (2013), Hot Pursuit (2015), The Fly II (1989), One for the Money (2012), Fire Down Below (1997), Air Bud: Golden Receiver (1998), Fire Birds (1990), Good Luck Chuck (2007), Be Cool (2005), Chill Factor (1999), Money Train (1995), Hot to Trot (1988), The Golden Child (1986), Righteous Kill (2008), Sweet Home Alabama (2002), The Wizard (1989), Fresh Horses (1988), Killer Elite (2011), Hunter Killer (2018)

Best Options (Amsterdam): 45.1 Fly Me to the Moon 3D (2007), 21.7 Killer Elite (2011), 12.0 Great Expectations (1998)

(Yup, there weren’t much options. Great Expectations had a slightly better showing maybe to continue the streak, but we couldn’t pass up Killer Elite.)

Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 6) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Jason Statham is No. 1 billed in Killer Elite and No. 1 billed in In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale, which also stars Leelee Sobieski (No. 3 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 1 billed) => (1 + 1) + (3 + 1) = 6. There is no shorter path at the moment.

Notes – Sir Ranulph Fiennes, an English adventurer, polar explorer and former S.A.S. man is the author of The Feather Men, the novel on which this film is adapted. Although he has often claimed the novel was a true story, the families of the real dead S.A.S. men named in the novel who died on S.A.S. exercises, and the S.A.S. themselves publicly attacked it as sick exploitation and complete fiction. The S.A.S. even went on the record to disown both Fiennes and the book, with Lieutenant Colonel Ian Smith telling the Daily Mail “It was utter bullshit”, the figment of a fertile imagination. What was really upsetting, was that it was making a story out of a tragedy.” Maggie Denaro, the widow of one of the dead S.A.S. men said of Fiennes, “It’s time he grew up. He’s made his money out of the book. He should come clean. When the book came out saying Mike had been murdered, we knew it wasn’t true. But that didn’t stop our children from being upset when other people believed it.” Although Fiennes claims he sent a manuscript of the book to the S.A.S. and the families of the dead men, who gave their approval, they have all unequivocally denied his claim.

The controversy over whether the story is true or not has as many twists as the plot itself. As mentioned above, all the families and the S.A.S. denied they had been consulted or involved in any way with the book. However, an article the Daily Mail Online was forced to include an amendment when the widow of Major Mike Kealy admitted she had read and approved of every page that related to her husband.

Robert De Niro is the only American born actor in this film.

In the scene where the SAS are going on training in the Brecon Beacons, they are seen wearing the incorrect uniform for the period. In 1981 the British Army wore 1968 pattern Smock, Combat but here they are seen wearing P84 smocks which did not start being rolled out until circa 1985.

Firestarter (2022) Preview

“Wow, that was a really great memory,” Jamie says, wiping tears from his face. “It’s true, we had so many very good memories, but that was the most emotional and exciting of all of them,” Patrick agrees. They both wish other people could hear about the very good adventure they remembered, but alas, there is no one around to share the memory with. Suddenly they hear a familiar voice, “Hey, guys, do you need someone to share that very good memory with?” They whirl around and are stunned to see Kyle. “Kyle!” they exclaim in glee. “We’re so glad you’re here,” Patricks says, while Jamie nods his head vigorously, “there was a moment where we were concerned we were actually bad, but it turned out to be a false alarm.” They go to hug Kyle but he steps back, a look of concern on his face. “No really, share the good memory because the only thing I’ve seen from you lately is pretty gosh darn bad.” At that he pulls out his phone and shows them a viral meme of their Dino World temper tantrum. “They’re calling you the Tantrum Twins,” Kyle says solemnly. Jamie and Patrick hang their heads in shame, but also make a mental note to trademark Tantrum Twins, which is very marketable. “I don’t know what’s happening, Kyle,” Patrick admits, “It’s like we’re lost without our BMT true north. Being good is hard.” Kyle ponders this for a moment. “Well what made being bad so easy?” he poses. Jamie and Patrick look at each other, inspiration growing bright on their faces. “The rules! Rulez are coolz!” they say excitedly. “We just have to do the same thing, but for… good stuff… Good Movie Twins.” Patrick says, eyes gleaming. “Good Movie Twins,” Jamie whispers, “that’s fire.” That’s right! We are transitioning to a new year of BMT with “good” films. Oh ho, don’t get it twisted, these are still BMT films, just ones where the title suggests they could be good. We start off with the Firestarter twins, Firestarter (1984) and this year’s FIrestarter (2022). Both are not “fire” as the name suggests. Let’s go!

Firestarter (2022) – BMeTric: 63.9; Notability: 22

StreetCreditReport.com – BMeTric: top 1.6%; Notability: top 7.6%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 2.8%; Higher BMeT: Texas Chainsaw Massacre, The Bubble, Jeepers Creepers: Reborn, Firestarter; Higher Notability: Black Adam, Jurassic World: Dominion, Pinocchio, Amsterdam, Morbius, Disenchanted, The School for Good and Evil, The Bubble, Moonfall, Deep Water, The Man from Toronto, Spiderhead, Don’t Worry Darling, The 355, Where the Crawdads Sing, Blacklight, Slumberland, Samaritan, Texas Chainsaw Massacre; Lower RT: After Ever Happy, Jeepers Creepers: Reborn, Me Time, Poker Face, Blacklight; Notes: Yup, a huge BMeTric for the year. And will probably stay up there, it seems to be genuinely reviled.

RogerEbert.com – 1.0 stars – The Stephen King novel on which the new version of “Firestarter” is based was published in 1980 during a phase of the horror master’s career in which the writer seemed fascinated by kids with inexplicable powers. Charlie, played by Drew Barrymore in the 1984 film and Ryan Kiera Armstrong in this one, is cut from similar cloth as Danny from “The Shining” and the title character in “Carrie”—people who discover they’re not like normal kids. There’s nothing scarier than an out-of-control child. Trust me. King’s work would inspire generations—Elle in “Stranger Things” owes a great deal to Charlie, for one—which made a remake of this 40-year-old tale of pyromania inevitable. And yet, once again, inevitability doesn’t equal creativity. So often remakes feel more like contractual requirements than artistic explorations or updates of timeless themes. There is no better recent example of this than “Firestarter,” a film that goes through the motions with such apathetic predictability and pure cinematic laziness that you may want to set whatever device you’re watching it on ablaze.

(Uh oh, that sounds perhaps just a tad bit boring instead of horrible, no good, nonsense. Which I admit, is all I want really.)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3v_8ATW_3yI/

(An alternate ending!? And holy shit, they put “liar, liar, pants on fire” in the trailer! Just for that I’m giving this trailer an F. For shame. For shame.)

Directors – Keith Thomas – ( Known For: The Vigil; BMT: Firestarter; Notes: Has a degree in Religious Education which is interesting. Otherwise really nothing on him. He directed an episode of Guillermo del Toro’s Cabinet of Curiosities.)

Writers – Stephen King – ( Known For: The Shawshank Redemption; Stand by Me; Mr. Harrigan’s Phone; The Green Mile; The Shining; It; The Mist; Doctor Sleep; Misery; Gerald’s Game; Carrie; It Chapter Two; The Running Man; Christine; Carrie; 1408; 1922; Pet Sematary; Dolores Claiborne; Cujo; Future BMT: The Dark Tower; Children of the Corn; Sleepwalkers; Creepshow 2; Thinner; Needful Things; The Mangler; Children of the Corn II: The Final Sacrifice; BMT: Firestarter (2022); Firestarter (1984); Dreamcatcher; The Lawnmower Man; Maximum Overdrive; The Rage: Carrie 2; Graveyard Shift; Razzie Notes: Nominee for Worst Director for Maximum Overdrive in 1987; Notes: Ah a classic. I do need to read more of his books and I wish I could have read this prior to watching the films. He somewhat notably almost died in a car accident which completely changed how he approached writing (and life) if I recall and ended up with him starring in Dark Tower ultimately in a bizarre way. Something like that, I haven’t read those either.)

Scott Teems – ( Known For: The Quarry; That Evening Sun; Future BMT: Halloween Kills; BMT: Firestarter; Notes: Seems like a horror writer through and through, also has a credit in Halloween Kills.)

Actors – Zac Efron – ( Known For: The Greatest Showman; The Greatest Beer Run Ever; Hairspray; 17 Again; Neighbors; The Disaster Artist; Gold; Extremely Wicked, Shockingly Evil and Vile; The Beach Bum; The Lorax; Neighbors 2: Sorority Rising; The Paperboy; Scoob!; High School Musical 3: Senior Year; Liberal Arts; Parkland; Me and Orson Welles; At Any Price; The Derby Stallion; Melinda’s World; Future BMT: That Awkward Moment; Mike and Dave Need Wedding Dates; The Lucky One; Charlie St. Cloud; We Are Your Friends; BMT: Baywatch; New Year’s Eve; Firestarter; Dirty Grandpa; Razzie Notes: Nominee for Worst Actor for Baywatch in 2018; Notes: A Disney kid with High School Musical, which made him famous. I like him, although I can’t say his track record in recent years has been spotless. Very BMT-ful.)

Ryan Kiera Armstrong – ( Known For: Black Widow; The Tomorrow War; It Chapter Two; The Art of Racing in the Rain; The Glorias; BMT: Firestarter; Notes: Daughter of Dean Armstrong who is a legit actor. Was in Anne With An E.)

Sydney Lemmon – ( Known For: Tár; Velvet Buzzsaw; BMT: Firestarter; Notes: Has done mostly television work, although she was in Tar this year. The granddaughter of Jack Lemmon.)

Budget/Gross – $12 million / Domestic: $9,589,250 (Worldwide: $14,889,250)

(Ehhhhh, actually not as bad as you would expect because it was so cheap. Additionally, given it was on Netflix and is now I Prime I assume they are partially making their money optioning it.)

Rotten Tomatoes – 10% (16/157): There was plenty of room to improve on the original, but Firestarter trips over that low bar and tumbles toward the bottom of the long list of Stephen King adaptations.

(Juuuuuust a shade over 10% which is too bad. I usually don’t go for smaller publications for the highlight, but this was decently funny.)

Reviewer Highlight: At least this one is mercifully short. – Radheyan Simonpillai, NOW Toronto

Poster – Firesklogger: It’s Fire

(Is it bad just cause it’s the same as the original? I say no. Still works. Orange color scheme pops and the font is delightfully different. Eye catching and gives you a taste. All around pretty good. I think the only suggestion would be to go a little more artistic. Newer posters can have a bit of an Instagram sheen sometimes. Going old school would have worked nicely. A-.)

Tagline(s) – None

(Booooo. F. Although I can also imagine if they did something dumb like “She’s fire” I would have been forced to give it an F-, so a win from that angle.)

Keyword(s) – year 2022

Top 10: The Batman (2022), The Kashmir Files (2022), Top Gun: Maverick (2022), Doctor Strange in the Multiverse of Madness (2022), Thor: Love and Thunder (2022), Everything Everywhere All at Once (2022), Bullet Train (2022), Uncharted (2022), The Adam Project (2022), The Northman (2022)

Future BMT: 65.8 Jeepers Creepers: Reborn (2022), 52.1 Radhe Shyam (2022), 50.5 Umma (2022), 45.9 The 355 (2022), 19.2 Black Adam (2022)

BMT: Firestarter (2022), Moonfall (2022), Morbius (2022), Blacklight (2022), The Invitation (2022), After Ever Happy (2022), Jurassic World: Dominion (2022), Prey for the Devil (2022), Memory (2022), The King’s Daughter (2022), Amsterdam (2022), Don’t Worry Darling (2022), Where the Crawdads Sing (2022)

Best Options (good): 63.9 Firestarter (2022)

(A new cycle! We won’t be able to see that graph until next week though. This does complete our 2022 year. We watched 13 films, which is pretty good I think, although also the absolute minimum we can watch in a year. But better than last year, and puts us on a good footing for the future. I think Umma maybe, and Black Adam definitely are the only two we really missed out on.)

Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 13) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Zac Efron is No. 2 billed in Firestarter and No. 1 billed in Dirty Grandpa, which also stars Robert De Niro (No. 2 billed) who is in Righteous Kill (No. 1 billed) which also stars Al Pacino (No. 2 billed) who is in 88 Minutes (No. 1 billed) which also stars Leelee Sobieski (No. 3 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 1 billed) => (2 + 1) + (2 + 1) + (2 + 1) + (3 + 1) = 13. There is no shorter path at the moment.

Notes – John Carpenter, who did the music for this film, was set to direct the original Firestarter (1984), but was replaced when his previous film, The Thing (1982), failed at the box office. He would instead direct another Stephen King adaptation, Christine (1983).

Final film for Executive Producer Martha De Laurentiis, who died December 4, 2021. Her first film as a producer was the original Firestarter (1984), and she would go on to produce several other Stephen King adaptations with her husband, Dino De Laurentiis.

In the back alley when Charlie sees a stray cat there is a dumpster for the waste removal company “Joyland” referencing Stephen King’s book of the same name.

The beer that Irv offers Andy is labeled ‘Ayuh’, a northeastern phrase akin to ‘yep’ that is heavily present in the writing of Stephen King.

Ryan Kiera Armstrong previously appeared in It Chapter Two (2019), another Stephen King adaption.

Firestarter (1984) Preview

Firestarter (1984) – BMeTric: 30.8; Notability: 34

StreetCreditReport.com – BMeTric: top 6.4%; Notability: top 7.2%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 15.4%; Higher BMeT: Supergirl, Rhinestone, The Hills Have Eyes Part II, Bolero, Cannonball Run II, Children of the Corn, Missing in Action, Sheena, City Heat, C.H.U.D., Conan the Destroyer, Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo, The Ice Pirates, Exterminator 2, Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter, Protocol; Higher Notability: Cannonball Run II, Supergirl, City Heat, Protocol, Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo, The River, Unfaithfully Yours, Conan the Destroyer, The Woman in Red, Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter, Firstborn, Sheena, Rhinestone, American Dreamer, The Ice Pirates, C.H.U.D., Reckless, Exterminator 2; Lower RT: Bolero, Reckless, Thief of Hearts, The Hills Have Eyes Part II, Until September, Exterminator 2, Crackers, Blame It on Rio, Supergirl, Cannonball Run II, Windy City, The Ice Pirates, American Dreamer, Rhinestone, Missing in Action, Tank, Mutant, Purple Hearts, Sheena, City Heat, and 13 more; Notes: I had to look up Protocol, the film with just a slightly higher BMeTric … I had never heard of it. It looks crazy.

RogerEbert.com – 2.0 stars – “Firestarter” contains a little girl who can start fires with her mind; her father, whose own ESP causes him to have brain hemorrhages; an Indian child molester who is a CIA killer; a black scientist; a kindly farmer; a government bureaucrat; and a brilliant scientist whose experiments kill 75 percent of his subjects but leave the others with powers beyond the imagination of mortal man. The most astonishing thing in the movie, however, is how boring it is.

(Just to point out, I don’t think the killer is a child molester, although I could be wrong because it 100% reads that way. But at the end he suggests his odd quirks are similar to Renfield maybe? He wants to look into her eyes and kill her when she is at her happiest moment in order to, in his words, absorb her energy. It seems to be like he is fascinated by this girl’s supernatural powers and in his odd way hopes to take that power to the afterlife with him? Reading the wiki I think my reading is correct. Interesting that perhaps Ebert himself got that wrong, although as I said, he definitely reads like he is in love with Charlie.)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DfcuksWVRt8/

(Incredible that they showed a good chunk of the climactic scene in the trailer. These days I feel like they wouldn’t dare show off that big set piece for free. Not a chance.)

Directors – Mark L. Lester – ( Known For: Commando; Bobbie Jo and the Outlaw; Class of 1984; Stealing Candy; Showdown in Little Tokyo; Class of 1999; Poseidon Rex; Truck Stop Women; Roller Boogie; White Rush; Night of the Running Man; Pterodactyl; Betrayal; Extreme Justice; The Ex; Hitman’s Run; Steel Arena; Blowback; Stunts; Misbegotten; Future BMT: Armed and Dangerous; BMT: Firestarter; Notes: A big name producer and director, he’s somewhat slipped into semi-obscurity now as the end of his career was mostly producing and direction low-budget garbage.)

Writers – Stephen King – ( Known For: The Shawshank Redemption; Stand by Me; Mr. Harrigan’s Phone; The Green Mile; The Shining; It; The Mist; Doctor Sleep; Misery; Gerald’s Game; Carrie; It Chapter Two; The Running Man; Christine; Carrie; 1408; 1922; Pet Sematary; Dolores Claiborne; Cujo; Future BMT: The Dark Tower; Children of the Corn; Sleepwalkers; Creepshow 2; Thinner; Needful Things; The Mangler; Children of the Corn II: The Final Sacrifice; BMT: Firestarter (2022); Firestarter (1984); Dreamcatcher; The Lawnmower Man; Maximum Overdrive; The Rage: Carrie 2; Graveyard Shift; Razzie Notes: Nominee for Worst Director for Maximum Overdrive in 1987; Notes: Y’all know Stephen King. He’s won the Bram Stoker Award 15 times, and the Hugo Award one for Danse Macabre, which is a non-fiction book about the art of and influences on horror writing.)

Stanley Mann – ( Known For: Eye of the Needle; Damien: Omen II; The Collector; Meteor; Woman of Straw; Theater of Blood; The Mouse That Roared; Circle of Iron; Another Time, Another Place; Breaking Point; A High Wind in Jamaica; Rapture; Sky Riders; The Strange Affair; The Mark; Hanna’s War; The Naked Runner; Russian Roulette; Up from the Beach; Future BMT: Tai-Pan; BMT: Conan the Destroyer; Firestarter; Notes: Nominated for an Oscar for The Collector. He’s from Canada and died in 2016.)

Actors – Drew Barrymore – ( Known For: Scream; Scream; Donnie Darko; A Castle for Christmas; E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial; 50 First Dates; The Wedding Singer; Ever After: A Cinderella Story; He’s Just Not That Into You; Charlie’s Angels; Charlie’s Angels: Full Throttle; Never Been Kissed; Titan A.E.; Poison Ivy; Confessions of a Dangerous Mind; Altered States; Music and Lyrics; Riding in Cars with Boys; Whip It; Everybody’s Fine; Future BMT: Bad Girls; Duplex; Mad Love; Lucky You; Home Fries; BMT: Batman Forever; Blended; Firestarter; Freddy Got Fingered; Razzie Notes: Nominee for Worst Actress in 2004 for Charlie’s Angels: Full Throttle, and Duplex; and in 2015 for Blended; and Nominee for Worst Supporting Actress for Freddy Got Fingered in 2002; Notes: She had an amazing career as both a bona fide child actor and a bona fide adult movie star. The granddaughter of John Barrymore. Hosts the Drew Barrymore Show which has filmed 273 episodes.)

David Keith – ( Known For: An Officer and a Gentleman; Daredevil; U-571; Men of Honor; The Indian in the Cupboard; The Rose; The Two Jakes; Gold Diggers: The Secret of Bear Mountain; The Great Santini; Brubaker; Raw Justice; Christian Mingle; A Family Thing; White of the Eye; Deadly Sins; Back Roads; Independence Day; The Further Adventures of Tennessee Buck; Take This Job and Shove It; All Saints; Future BMT: Raise Your Voice; Major League II; Heartbreak Hotel; The Lords of Discipline; BMT: Firestarter; Behind Enemy Lines; Notes: Looks like he does small time television films these days. He should not be confused with Kieth David.)

Freddie Jones – ( Known For: Dune; The Elephant Man; Wild at Heart; Young Sherlock Holmes; The Black Cauldron; The NeverEnding Story III; Zulu Dawn; Old Dracula; Erik the Viking; Royal Deceit; Far from the Madding Crowd; Ladies in Lavender; Juggernaut; The Satanic Rites of Dracula; Kidnapped; The Ship Sails On; Frankenstein Must Be Destroyed; Consuming Passions; The Man Who Haunted Himself; In the Devil’s Garden; Future BMT: Krull; Firefox; BMT: Firestarter; Notes: He was Thufir Hawat in Dune. Otherwise you’d probably only know him if you are into British television. That’s right, he was definitely in Midsomer Murders.)

Budget/Gross – $12 million / Domestic: $17,080,167 (Worldwide: $17,080,167)

(My god, they had the same budget! That is hilarious. Obviously, $12 million in ‘84 was something else entirely compared to now, but still. Also amazing that the ‘84 film beat the 2022 in total worldwide gross by quite a bit.)

Rotten Tomatoes – 38% (12/32): Firestarter’s concept hews too closely to other known Stephen King adaptations, though it’s got nice special effects (including scenery-chewing George C. Scott).

(Yeah out of everything in the film I think George C. Scott probably is my favorite? He’s just such an odd and specifically quirky character.)

Reviewer Highlight: Even before it begins laying waste to the reputations of cast members, “Firestarter” is promptly exposed as a derivative embarrassment of a conception. – Gary Arnold, Washington Post

Poster – Firesklogger

(Look at all those words. The whole thing still pops, but somehow they actually did make a much better poster for the new one. Removed the words, added some flair to the font, and made everything a little more professional. I’ll be kind for this one though, cause it still looks kind of cool. C+)

Tagline(s) – She has the power . . . an evil destructive force. (C-)

If you get on her bad side…YOU’RE TOAST. (C+)

Will she have the power… to survive? (B-)

Charlie McGee is a happy, healthy eight-year-old little girl. Normal in every way but one. She has the power to set objects afire with just one glance. It’s a power she does not want. It’s a power she can’t control. And, each night, Charlie prays to be just like every other child. But there are those who will do everything in their power to find her… or destroy her. (D-)

(Lot’s to parse because of all the words on the poster. The first is the worst of the short ones. Just not very clever, but not offensive. The second adds a little spice, but it’s pretty laughably lame. The third is the best. A play on expectations. It’s also short and gives you a sense of what’s going on. I actually didn’t even read the last one because life is too short. It only doesn’t get an F because it’s better than no tagline, but barely.)

Keyword(s) – Stephen King

Top 10: The Shawshank Redemption (1994), The Green Mile (1999), The Shining (1980), It (2017), Stand by Me (1986), The Mist (2007), 1408 (2007), It Chapter Two (2019), Misery (1990), Secret Window (2004)

Future BMT: 60.5 The Mangler (1995), 59.2 Children of the Corn II: The Final Sacrifice (1992), 50.2 Sleepwalkers (1992), 47.8 The Dark Tower (2017), 45.4 Children of the Corn (1984), 36.5 Thinner (1996), 29.7 Creepshow 2 (1987), 24.0 Needful Things (1993)

BMT: The Rage: Carrie 2 (1999), Graveyard Shift (1990), Dreamcatcher (2003), The Lawnmower Man (1992), Maximum Overdrive (1986), Firestarter (1984), Firestarter (2022)

(I decided to pick out a good one for this with Stephen King. My god are there a lot of films of his left! We’ve seen seven and eight to go. Halfway.)

Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 13) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Drew Barrymore is No. 1 billed in Firestarter and No. 2 billed in Blended, which also stars Adam Sandler (No. 1 billed) who is in Jack and Jill (No. 1 billed) which also stars Al Pacino (No. 3 billed) who is in 88 Minutes (No. 1 billed) which also stars Leelee Sobieski (No. 3 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 1 billed) => (1 + 2) + (1 + 1) + (3 + 1) + (3 + 1) = 13. If we were to watch Mad Love we can get the HoE Number down to 13.

Notes – Prophetically, a few years before she was cast in the film, six-year-old Drew Barrymore’s mother thought that Drew resembled the girl on the source novel’s paperback dust-jacket. Drew once said: “My mom had seen this book at the grocery store with a picture of a little girl on it and she said, ‘Gee, this looks kinda like you’. She said it was okay if I bought it, and so I did. When I read it, I came into the kitchen where my mom was making dinner and said: ‘I’m the Firestarter. I’m Charlie McGee!’ But she didn’t know what I was talking about.”

George C. Scott wears an eye patch over his left eye during the final half hour of the film which was due to the infection caused by the contact lens used earlier in the film. The eye was not quite healed and had to wear it to complete the filming of his scenes.

In a 2010 interview, director Mark L. Lester confirmed that this was the most difficult film that he ever made. He said, “That was all practical [effects]. The fireballs you see, that’s not CGI. Back then, we actually created fireballs that could fly through the air, they were on a wire and could crash into buildings. We had people on fire that were on trampolines that had to flip through the air. It was very dangerous. All the effects were done right on the set. It was a pretty intense thing to do then.”

This film was originally going to be directed by John Carpenter and Bill Lancaster, who wrote the screenplay for The Thing (1982), even wrote a draft for this film. But, according to Carpenter, Universal executives removed both of them from the project in the wake of the box-office and critical drubbing they received for The Thing. Carpenter had reportedly talked to Darwin Joston about taking on the role of John Rainbird, which was ultimately played by George C. Scott. Thirty eight years later, Carpenter, along with son Cody Carpenter and frequent collaborator Daniel A. Davies, would be brought on to compose the score for the Firestarter (2022) remake.

Martin Sheen took over at a late stage from Burt Lancaster, who had to withdraw following heart surgery.

Producer Dino De Laurentiis paid $1 million for the film rights to the book.

Mark L. Lester said he never understood why Stephen King hated this film. He said during an interview, “I knew he hated The Shining (1980), because that movie was not his book. But in case of Firestarter, he had approved the script. He even worked on it. He was on the set and we talked about everything we were doing. He loved everything. The one thing that he especially criticized, the wind blowing through Drew Barrymore’s hair, that was his idea to begin with! At that time he practically hated every movie that was made from any of his books. Finally, Dino got so fed up with him that he said: Okay, you direct your own movie. Well, that was the absolute worst Stephen King film ever. So there you go. But he’s a great writer and I don’t want to get into a fight with him.”