BMT 2018 – Page 8 – Bad Movie Twins

Cannonball Run II Recap

Jamie

Remember those bozos from the last movie? Well they’re back, Jack! And ready to ride their way to victory in a cross country road race. When the Sheik is kidnapped by some mobsters the cannonballers gotta pull out all the stops to help him. Will they free the racist caricature (and perhaps win the big race) before it’s too late? Find out in… Cannonball Run II.

How?! The Sheik is pretty embarrassed about losing the last race due to an unforeseen plot hole so he sets up a second one to prove his worth. While everyone is gathering, however, it is revealed that the goofball son of the Mafia don has gotten in deep with a rival mob. He comes to collect from Jamie and Morris (the priests from first film) and they point to the Sheik as a way to get the cash. A plan is in motion to kidnap the Sheik and ransom him for the large sum that the rival mob is asking for. If this sounds terrible and in no way related to a film about car racing you are correct. Anyway they all get new gimmicks. J.J. and Victor are now impersonating Army generals, Jackie Chan is back with a new robot car, the drunk priests are now impersonating cops, the hot ladies are still just hot ladies, and the good ol’ boys are back except now one of them is Tony Danza and they have a car driven by a orangutan… yeeeeessh. Basically nothing happens for a while except J.J. and Victor pick up a couple of actresses dressed as nuns and Jackie Chan’s car goes into a lake and turns into a submarine (best scene of the film). Eventually the Sheik is kidnapped and our heroes hatch a plan with Frank Sinatra to infiltrate the Mafia’s hideout and get him back. This culminates in a big fight which they win. They then finish the race off screen and we are treated to seeing the orangutan declared the winner. THE END.

Why?! More like Whhhhhhhhyyyyyyyyyyyy??!!! Amirite? The motivations are the same. J.J. and Victor want glory and fame, the priests/cops are in it to clear their gambling debts, the hot ladies just want to go fast, Jackie Chan is back to prove the superiority of Japanese racing technology and talent, and the good ol’ boys just want to have a good time (but the orangutan sure is making it tough)… god, writing about this is making me sad.

What?! Someone switched sponsors! Last film everyone was crushing Budweiser. This film? Miller High Life (the champagne of beers) is in everyone’s hands. Also want to note that back in 2011 there was a lot of buzz for a remake of The Cannonball Run series starring Brad Pitt which was supposed to birth a new generation of product placement as it was funded by GM. It never came to fruition and now the remake seems to be in the works sans Pitt and GM.

Who?! Victor played by Dom DeLuise is probably the best example of a Planchet we’ve seen in quite some time. The man is generally a good guy, a great friend, and a bumbling chubby idiot at the same time. So of course J.J. treats him like shit. He is always hitting him and calling him names. Congrats Victor, you are a very good BMT thing coming out of a truly terrible film. Frank Sinatra makes one of his final screen appearances in a bizarre set of scenes where it’s obvious that he was never in the room with any of the other actors. On top of that they all more or less grovel at the feet of Blue Eyes. Joe Theismann followed in Bradshaw’s shoes and appeared in this film. Finally I have to give a big shoutout to Don Knotts who made a cameo appearance here as a highway patrolman who gets attacked by an orangutan (this is real).

Where?! Road Trip Alert! Still a roadtrip movie, but no nearly as good as the last film. It starts in Redondo Beach, California, but then almost immediately spends most of its time hanging around Las Vegas. It finally jumps to CT at the end. So not a great road trip but better focus on a single place. B-.

When?! Better chance this time to see an actual date as there were fliers for the race, but I couldn’t make out the date on any of them. Maybe if I had an original print of the film or happened upon a large cache of props. Until then… F.

This movie is terrible, terrible, terrible. It is just a knock-off of the first one with a lot of the good stuff removed. It’s barely even a racing movie anymore as they mire themselves in a Las Vegas mobster plot that is real tedious to get through. It’s amazing that both the first one and the second one were so bad considering their success, but this one makes the first one look like a masterpiece. Patrick?

Patrick

‘Ello everyone! Oh snap, you remember that crappy movie you made a few years ago on a shoestring budget? It made boatloads. A sequel is going to be easy. I mean … the jokes write themselves! Well, actually, if we do it right the jokes are literally already written … Let’s get into it!

The Good – Oof. Uh … Jackie Chan’s story is a bit better this time around. I was mentally prepared for watching this trash because I had seen the first one. That’s it.

P’s View on the Preview – Now having watched the original I knew what I was getting into. The first was garbage. The second is considered worse so … double garbage, all the way, oh my gosh. Otherwise I guess I was most interested in seeing Frank Sinatra play himself a bit? I wasn’t looking forward to watching this to say the least.

The Bad – This film is totally and utterly unnecessary. They don’t even do a cross country race. They go from Los Angeles to Las Vegas (an afternoon jaunt) and then animate the entire thing at the end! It is crazy. Burt Reynolds and DeLuise are particularly bad in this one, I’m skeptical they even had a script. If they did it said “Burt and Dom improv for 15 minutes, end scene” at times, I guarantee it.

Get Yo Rant On – In the previous recap I talked about Burt Reynolds and Dom Deluise’s comic stylings. This time let’s get a little shout out for everyone else involved. Jamie Farr plays a truly racist caricature (and not in a “the times they are a-changin” kind of way, he’s in blackface in 1984). In back-to-back films they inexplicably cast Terry Bradshaw and Joe Theismann. The main pair of ladies basically just show their breasts the entire time. Sammy Davis Jr and Dean Martin … the less said the better. And … who knows I can’t remember anyone else. Like an orangutan. These characters are neither interesting or funny and on most occasions offensive. So congrats Cannonball Run II, you managed to make a not-funny film even less funny and more offensive.

The BMT – Now this! This is a real Razzies-Calendar-Smellements film, it ticks the games off like crazy. It is one of those classic bad movies we just had to watch. Would I want to watch it again? Never. But maybe just show the opening scene and turn to whomever you are talking with and say “You see? You see this garbage? Do you want more of this? Didn’t think so” and shut it off.

Welcome to Earf – Not surprisingly The Cannonball Run and its sequel have the same chain: Burt Reynolds was in Cannonball Run II and In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale with Leelee Sobieski who was in Here on Earth. Welcome to Earf!

StreetCreditReport.com – At one point in time Gene Siskel suggested this film was the worst film ever made. There aren’t many lists from the time, but do yourself a favor and watch the Siskel and Ebert review:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5OYT4NPE9v8

They absolutely destroy Burt Reynolds, that man had a family! Presumably, I don’t know. I think it would be a few years before he got married and adopted his son.

Besides the BONUS of The Cannonball Run there was no homework. Turns out that despite Speed Zone being referred to as Cannonball Run III in the literature, it is not in fact a sequel. Good for me since I’m not sure I could have watched a third version of this trash.

Cheerios,

The Sklogs

The Cannonball Run Recap

Jamie

A bunch of bozos get together for the annual (?) Cannonball Run, a cross country road race where rules are not coolz. They all have their gimmicks and celebs galore as they race for the coveted cup. Can [insert favorite character] win the race before it’s too late? Find out in… The Cannonball Run.

How?! In the flimsiest of plots our heroes, J.J. and Victor, enter The Cannonball Run disguised as ambulance drivers in an attempt to evade police suspicion. Added to the mix are: some hot women, a gambler and a washed up race car driver turned drunk disguised as priests, Jackie Chan in a Japanese robot car, good ol’ boy Terry Bradshaw, a Roger Moore lookalike played by Roger Moore, and a very racist depiction of a Middle Eastern Sheik. There are others but those are the major players. Anyway, J.J. and Victor kidnap a photographer lady and have a rivalry with the priests, but otherwise it’s just zany antic after zany antic for our heroes. The whole time there is an attempt by a politician to shut down the race, but that comes to nothing except sadness for the politician. The film culminates with a fight at a gas station where all the cars end up stuck waiting for construction to clear. We get some Jackie Chan moves and Victor becomes a weird superhero or whatever and it’s obviously hilarious. They then all sprint for the finish line (even though it was a staggered start) ending with the hot ladies winning the prize. THE END.

Why?! It is interesting to think about the motivations for the characters. J.J. and Victor want money and fame, the priests placed a large wager on themselves, the ladies seem to just want to go fast, Roger Moore is for the thrill of it, Terry Bradshaw wants to whoop it up and have fun, Jackie Chan wants to show the superiority of Japanese technology, and the Sheik doesn’t want to bring shame to his family’s name. I think that’s pretty accurate.

What?! There are certainly product placements to note (like Terry Bradshaw crushing Budweisers left and right), but I’m gonna take the rare opportunity to note a rare plot hole in this film. Plot holes are hard to spot, but in this case it’s pretty clear that the creators of this film just didn’t care. It’s explained that the race is run using time cards. Each team punches their card in a staggered start and then whoever has their timecard show the lowest elapsed time is the winner of the race… and yet the film finishes with all the major teams in the film running to the finish line to try to cross first. The time card is never mentioned, nor is it noted that the declared winners (the hot ladies) started earlier than several of the teams shown and should have lost to them. Congrats. That is truly terrible writing.

Who?! There is a classic Planchet in this film, but I’ll use the recap of the second film to discuss that. Sammy Davis, Jr. and Dean Martin are in both films and both had major singing careers. Peter Fonda has a cameo as the head of a biker gang in a nod to Easy Rider. Football player Terry Bradshaw is a character in the film. Finally, Jamie Farr plays the Sheik in arab-face which is problematic to say the least. It’s pretty offensive in a very they-made-this-in-the-80s kind of way.

Where?! We get another Road Trip Alert! The Cannonball Run starts in Darien, CT (confirmed by several signs). We get scenes in New Jersey, Ohio, and Missouri in the very least (probably more could be definitively determined). It ends in Redondo Beach, California. Not as good as Crossroads, but solid. B.

When?! My guess would be that the film takes place in the Spring, but it’s not something that I could figure out for sure. Maybe it’s noted somewhere in the film but I sure in hell ain’t going back and watching it again to find out. F.

This movie is surprisingly terrible and useless for being one of the biggest hits of 1981. Let me count the ways. The production is ramshackle, exemplified by the plane stunt where cameras and police barricades are clearly visible. The Middle Eastern character is one of the most racist depictions I’ve seen in a BMT film… his name is Sheik Abdul ben Falafel! Even though I can to appreciate the charm of Dom DeLuise, the film is just not funny. Finally, it has one of the most glaring plot holes I’ve ever witnessed on film. It is just not a good film… and yet America seemed to not be able to get enough. Patrick?

Patrick

‘Ello everyone! Time to pack up your ambulance, grab a disgusting doctor character, and unleash your inner Captain Chaos, because The Cannonball Run is starting. Mad antics like this just haaaave to be funny, right? … Right? Let’s get into it!

The Good – If you like cars, Burt Reynolds, or both this film might just be for you. Farrah Fawcett is like … super attractive. The fact that this is as true to the original race as you’ll see is pretty fun. Some of the others are funny in their own way, Jackie Chan and Roger Moore in particular are fine.

P’s View on the Preview – I told Jamie that I wondered if this would be like Anaconda. If this is one of those films which have bad reviews now, but didn’t really back then (at least not as bad) and that once I watched it I would think it wasn’t nearly as bad as the rating suggests. He told me to watch the movie. But you can kind of see my mindset going into the film. I expected it to be a cult-classic (which was always my perception of it). Boy howdy was I wrong.

The Bad – This movie isn’t funny. Seeing Sammy Davis Jr and Dean Martin doing … this, just isn’t a good look. The movie is just not funny, not a single moment of it. It is a totally mess from a storytelling perspective, less of a three act structure and more of the loosey goosey meandering scripts from the decades before. There is some complicated sexual assault / drugging / disgusting garbage behavior played for laughs which you just couldn’t get away with now. The movie just isn’t funny, it is boring.

Get Yo Rant On – For the first film’s rant I choose to highlight the interactions between Burt Reynolds and Dom DeLuise in particular. Specifically the way they fake laugh with each other and Burt’s kind of … odd improvisational stylings. Perhaps it is my pre-1980 bias showing, but was this normal? Or was it a product of a very quick and very tight shooting schedule. Did Hal Needham just trust Reynolds to get the comic timing correct, or is this a fundamental disaster. I will say: Burt Reynolds doesn’t really come across as funny in the film. He comes across as a very smooth ladies man and straight man playing off of DeLuise’s comedy … but DeLuise isn’t funny either. No one is funny in this film … I don’t get it, am I taking crazy pills? Rant over.

The BMT – Weirdly … I do think this has legs. Cannonball Run films are a very strange as specific sub-genre. Almost exclusively comedies (interestingly enough). I wonder if there is an example of a serious version of Cannonball Run? And if not, why not? I guess it was all played for jokes at the time, but someone who really needs the money or someone who needs to stop another person from getting the money seems like a decent action premise. My point is, completing the Cannonball Run genre will be a thing and this will be part of it. I will never watch this film again if I can help it though.

Welcome to Earf – Shockingly easy in light on last week’s run. Burt Reynolds was in The Cannonball Run and In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale with Leelee Sobieski who was in Here on Earth. Welcome to Earf!

StreetCreditReport.com – This one doesn’t have much beyond most respectable critics at the time ragging on it. In particular Siskel and Ebert seemed to think this was a particularly egregious example of lazy filmmaking. Maybe Lennon and Garant can fix it the next time around …

Phew, one Cannonball Run down, one to go. The second couldn’t possibly be as bad as this right? … Right?

Cheerios,

The Sklogs

Cannonball Run II Quiz

Now, if you had to do the Cannonball Run a second time, which car would you choose? Trick question! You’d use the same grey Volvo 240DL Wagon from the first time. Why mess with perfection? It (obviously) won you the race the first time. Sexy boxy curves, so sexy. Mmmm … oh yeah, time for a quiz.

Pop Quiz Hot Shot!

1) Why are they running a second Cannonball Run anyways? I mean … you obviously can’t have some normal storyline like suggesting it is run every four years or something like normal people, that would just be too logical.

2) Why does the Sheik hire the doctor from the first film to ride along with him? Obviously it wouldn’t be a Cannonball Run film without the hilarious gross-out humor of the famed proctologist Nikolas Van Helsing!

3) Why does Don Don Canneloni (Charles Nelson Reilly) want to kidnap the Sheik? By the way, this is one of the most confusing subplots I’ve ever seen put to film, so I don’t blame you if you cannot figure this one out.

4) How does Burt Reynolds, Dom DeLuise, and Sammy Davis Jr. infiltrate Don Don Canneloni’s camp to save the Sheik?

5) So … who wins the race?

Answers

The Cannonball Run Quiz

If you had to choose a vehicle to do The Cannonball Run in, what would it be? That’s right, you would choose a grey 1984 Volvo 240DL Wagon … hrrrrg, look at those boxy curves. It feels like it is shaking apart when you hit 80 mph, feels so good. Huh, what’s what? Oh yeah quiz time!

Pop Quiz Hot Shot!

1) In the cross country road trip of a lifetime, what state did the race start in, and where did it end?

2) What is the name of Dom DeLuise’s secret identity, referred to as “him” for the vast majority of this terribly terrible film.

3) Farrah Fawcett plays a kind of spacey lady who ultimately gets picked up by Reynolds and DeLuise. How did she get involved in the Cannonball Run in the first place?

4) How does Reynolds and DeLuise get around the roadblock set up by the main antagonist (who just wants to stop literal crazy people from drunk driving across America at 150 MPH, I mean … who’s the real antagonist in this film? Dean Martin is literally shit faced when he starts the race for godssake!)?

5) Who wins the race?

Answers

Cannonball Run II Preview

As we enter the bar to put our names in for the high stakes karaoke competition, Patrick and I get a glimpse of the crowd and can see in their eyes that they want a sexy show. Time to pull out all the stops! We fit ourselves into the snuggest jean shorts we can find and show off the goods. Despite our jorts-limited range of motion, the crowd is pleased by the sensual and yet classy dance routine/karaoke masterpiece we perform in perfect unison. Never before has John Mayer’s “Your Body is a Wonderland” rung so true. With chests heaving and jorts soaked with sweat, we exit the stage to raucous applause. The next singer approaches the stage only to have garbage and rotten vegetables thrown at them. “Jamie and Patrick! Jamie and Patrick!” The crowd chants in ecstasy. We return to the stage and perform a three hour encore show. We are showered with record deals, but the big road race awaits and we have no time for overnight success. The emcee of the show approaches and hands us the prize: a golden microphone and enough money for one way tickets back to the States. We look longingly at the stage, but know that this dream will fade, but the friendship we’ve forged fighting to save the world from the Obsidian Dongle, that… is forever. We board the plane and arrive in Delaware just in time for The No Rulez Road Race where rulez are decidedly not coolz. That’s right! We’ve got another double feature this week as we partake in the classic The Cannonball Run series of films. This is part of the chain reaction going from Underclassman. We’re using Cheech Marin to get from that film to Cannonball Run II as he was *check notes* “Tire Store Employee (Uncredited)”… … … hmmmm, stay tuned next week to find out if we have to mend this chain because it sounds like he’s not even in Cannonball Run II. Great. Let’s go!

Cannonball Run II (1984) – BMeTric: 54.8

(If The CannonBall run rises in such a way that it floats about the transition point from good-to-bad, this is just on the other side, managing to rise up enough to become a significant bad movie choice. Given it was released in the early 80s this is actually a pretty solid achievement.)

Leonard Maltin – BOMB – Sequel to the 1981 box-office hit looks like someone’s bad home movies. Amateurish action comedy with tons of tacky guest-star cameos. What a waste! Final film roles for Martin and Sinatra.

(That last bit is a bit sad. The entire thing is also amusing in that is can be summed up as: this is barely a movie. Coincidentally, that is our most common criticism of films like this, that they are barely-movies and I don’t really know why we watch them.)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-vT8_gg7VU8

(Joe Theismann! Anyways, this looks like complete garbage as you would expect. Although, I do enjoy that they put Burt Reynolds’ terrible fake laugh into the trailer. It is an important part of his character in these films I feel like.)

Directors – Hal Needham – (Known For: Smokey and the Bandit; Hooper; Future BMT: Smokey and the Bandit Ride Again; Megaforce; Stroker Ace; Cactus Jack; BMT: Cannonball Run II; The Cannonball Run; Razzie Notes: Nominee for Worst Director in 1983 for Megaforce; in 1984 for Stroker Ace; and in 1985 for Cannonball Run II; and Nominee for Worst Screenplay for Cannonball Run II in 1985; Notes: His run in the early 80s (aided and abetted by Burt Reynolds apparently) is astounding as his Razzie nominations (back when that meant something goddamnit!) indicate.)

Writers – Brock Yates (characters creator) – (Future BMT: Smokey and the Bandit Ride Again; BMT: Cannonball Run II; The Cannonball Run; Notes: Wrote the original screenplay and created the actual Cannonball Run race. It is interesting he doesn’t have a credit on Speed Zone which is often referred to as Cannonball Run III.)

Hal Needham (written by) – (Known For: Smokey and the Bandit; Future BMT: Smokey and the Bandit Ride Again; Megaforce; Stroker Ace; BMT: Cannonball Run II; Razzie Notes: Nominee for Worst Director in 1983 for Megaforce; in 1984 for Stroker Ace; and in 1985 for Cannonball Run II; and Nominee for Worst Screenplay for Cannonball Run II in 1985; Notes: He wrote four television (prequel) movies for Smokey and the Bandit. They claim to all have been released in 1994 … so perhaps some sort of vague mini-series.)

Albert S. Ruddy (written by) – (Known For: The Mean Machine; Cloud 9; Future BMT: Bad Girls; Megaforce; The Longest Yard; BMT: Cannonball Run II; Razzie Notes: Nominee for Worst Screenplay for Cannonball Run II in 1985; Notes: Huge producer. He created Hogan’s Heroes and Walker, Texas Ranger as well.)

Harvey Miller (written by) – (Known For: Private Benjamin; Future BMT: Protocol; Getting Away with Murder; BMT: Cannonball Run II; Razzie Notes: Nominee for Worst Screenplay for Cannonball Run II in 1985; Notes: A famous comedy writer he was nominated for Best Writing, Screenplay Written Directly for the Screen for Private Benjamin)

Actors – Burt Reynolds – (Known For: Boogie Nights; Deliverance; Smokey and the Bandit; Bean; Dog Years; The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas; All Dogs Go to Heaven; The Player; The Mean Machine; Hooper; Sharky’s Machine; Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex * But Were Afraid to Ask; White Lightning; Silent Movie; The End; Semi-Tough; Citizen Ruth; Hustle; Best Friends; Switching Channels; Future BMT: The Dukes of Hazzard; Smokey and the Bandit Part 3; Cop & ½; Smokey and the Bandit Ride Again; Delgo; Without a Paddle; City Heat; Stroker Ace; Hotel; Deal; Meet Wally Sparks; The Crew; Rent-a-Cop; The Man Who Loved Women; The Longest Yard; Gator; Physical Evidence; Malone; At Long Last Love; Heat; Stick; Mystery, Alaska; BMT: In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale; Striptease; Driven; Cannonball Run II; The Cannonball Run; Trigger Happy; Razzie Notes: Winner for Worst Actor for Cop & ½ in 1994; Winner for Worst Screen Couple for Striptease in 1997; Nominee for Worst Actor in 1985 for Cannonball Run II, and City Heat; and in 1989 for Rent-a-Cop, and Switching Channels; Nominee for Worst Supporting Actor in 1997 for Striptease; in 2002 for Driven; in 2006 for The Dukes of Hazzard, and The Longest Yard; and in 2009 for Deal, and In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale; and Nominee for Worst Screen Couple for Driven in 2002; Notes: Y’all know Burt Reynolds. He at one point owned a USFL team (the Tampa Bay Bandits) and ran a NASCAR Winston Cup team with Hal Needham (Mach 1 Racing).)

Dom DeLuise – (Known For: Blazing Saddles; Spaceballs; Robin Hood: Men in Tights; History of the World: Part I; Johnny Dangerously; The Secret of NIMH; Oliver & Company; The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas; An American Tail; All Dogs Go to Heaven; The Muppet Movie; An American Tail: Fievel Goes West; Fail-Safe; Silent Movie; The End; The Twelve Chairs; The Glass Bottom Boat; The Cheap Detective; Fatso; Future BMT: Smokey and the Bandit Ride Again; The Silence of the Hams; Loose Cannons; A Troll in Central Park; Haunted Honeymoon; All Dogs Go to Heaven 2; Wholly Moses!; Happily Ever After; Sextette; Girl Play; The World’s Greatest Lover; BMT: Baby Geniuses; Cannonball Run II; The Cannonball Run; Razzie Notes: Winner for Worst Supporting Actress for Haunted Honeymoon in 1987; Notes: Had three sons who all became regular television actors one shows like 21 Jump Street, seaQuest DSV, The Wizards of Waverly Place, and 3rd Rock From the Sun.)

Dean Martin – (Known For: Robin and the 7 Hoods; Airport; Some Came Running; Ocean’s Eleven; The Sons of Katie Elder; Rio Bravo; The Young Lions; Kiss Me, Stupid; Road to Bali; Artists and Models; Bells Are Ringing; Come Blow Your Horn; Toys in the Attic; The Caddy; Scared Stiff; Future BMT: 4 for Texas; BMT: Cannonball Run II; The Cannonball Run; Notes: One of the original Rat Pack, the three main members (Sinatra, Davis, and Martin) all appear in this film.)

Budget/Gross – N/A / Domestic: $28,078,073

(One-third of the gross of the original which … isn’t great. So not surprised they didn’t go for a third.)

#21 for the Car Racing genre

(Lower than Need for Speed and Driven! The only BMT film which grossed less in Redline, ooooooooooooooof. Died in the 90s, resurrected by The Fast and the Furious among other things.)

#89 for the Comedy – Sequel (Live Action) genre

(Around Duece Bigelow: European Gigolo. The Highest grossing film we’ve ever seen in this genre is Grown Ups 2. We are still in the process of coming down from a heady high in this genre, we’ll see in the next few years if we rebound. The fact that the only real comedy sequel this year had to be Kickstarted (Super Troopers 2) probably doesn’t bode super well.)

Rotten Tomatoes – 13% (2/15): No consensus yet.

(I’ll just have to make a consensus: An anachronistic, lazy, laugh-free embarrassment. Are you waiting for a punchline? That’s it, this film is garbage. Reviewer Highlight: Cannonball Run II is one of the laziest insults to the intelligence of moviegoers that I can remember. – Roger Ebert)

Poster – The No Rulez Race II: Even Less Rulez (A-)

(Despite the number of things happening on the poster, I think this kind of works. Nicely balanced, nice yellow adventure film coloring, and some font to boot. Pretty good.)

Tagline(s) – The popcorn is in the lobby. The nuts are on the screen. (A+++++++++++)

(Ahahahahahahaha. Can something be so wrong that it’s right? My god do I love this tagline. When/if Patrick and I write a fake movie about the bad movie twins and their underwater adventure to save the world this will 100% be the tagline. Copyright laws be damned!)

Keyword(s) – chase; Top Ten by BMeTric: 94.7 Catwoman (2004); 94.6 Battlefield Earth (2000); 90.2 Alone in the Dark (2005); 89.5 Speed 2: Cruise Control (1997); 89.5 The Wicker Man (2006); 89.0 The Last Airbender (2010); 88.7 House of the Dead (2003); 86.0 The Avengers (1998); 85.9 In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale (2007); 84.8 Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance (2011);

(Smashing chase films. Not even a joke. Just House of the Dead … can we bear another Uwe Boll film?)

Notes – Frank Sinatra’s cameo was his final acting role in a theatrical film, though he would make one final appearance in the television movie Young at Heart (1995). All his other appearances from here on would be in documentaries and retrospectives. (Not a super great conclusion to a career … playing yourself in Cannonball Run II)

Sir Roger Moore later regretted his decision to turn down a role in this film, after finding out Frank Sinatra was appearing. In his autobiography, he states of this, “Regrets, I’ve had a few, but too few to mention.”

Final of the 1970s to 1980s action car stunt comedies for Burt Reynolds. These films included the Smokey and the Bandit and The Cannonball Run film franchises, as well as Stroker Ace (1983) and Hooper (1978). (Box office bomb did it in I assume)

As this movie features Frank Sinatra, Dean Martin, Sammy Davis, Jr., and Shirley MacLaine, it is arguably the final ever “Rat Pack” movie (original Rat Pack members Joey Bishop and Peter Lawford are not in this film). For this movie, it was the final film for Martin and Sinatra. (Don’t call it that …)

Final “Cannonball Run” movie for all of the cast except Jamie Farr, who appeared in the third movie, Cannonball Fever (1989). (I had to look this up … this is called Speed Zone, and is not related to the other films I don’t think)

Jackie Chan appeared as part of a contractual obligation to Warner Brothers. (Ah that makes sense)

Bobby Berosini’s orangutan and Tony Danza appeared in Going Ape! (1981). (Oh …. That makes sense)

Hal Needham, on the first film’s commentary, talked about how Frank Sinatra showed up very early on the set of this film to get his parts shot, and then left before the other actors even showed up. If you watch closely during the office scene, Sinatra is never on film with the other actors. A few times his back is shown with the other characters facing him, but this is a double. (WHAAAAAAAAT)

Burt Reynolds said in 1982, a couple of years before this picture, that he wasn’t going to make any more “car chase” movies. (Then he was shown the big bucks)

On certain original Beta video covers, it stated this movie was the debut of the monster truck Bigfoot in a motion picture, cashing in on the popularity of the truck in the mid 1980s. It’s not true, as Bigfoot first appeared in Take This Job and Shove It (1981). (LOL)

Aside from playing Victor Prinzim, Dom DeLuise also played mob boss Don Cannelloni, who behaves and speaks similar to The Godfather (1972)’s main character, Don Corleone. DeLuise played a similar character in Robin Hood: Men in Tights (1993), a film directed by his long time collaborator Mel Brooks. He also played a similar character in The Godson (1998). (Yeah, it is the same as in Robin Hood, I recognized that)

Frank Sinatra was not happy with the movie, asking how his character was supposed to win the Cannonball Run after joining it on its final leg. He was under the impression it was a race where the first person across the finish line was the winner, and no one explained you clock in at the start, and clock off at the end. (Wait … did he win? They suggested Tony Danza and the ape did I thought)

Awards – Nominee for the Razzie Award for Worst Picture (Albert S. Ruddy, 1985)

Nominee for the Razzie Award for Worst Actor (Burt Reynolds, 1985)

Nominee for the Razzie Award for Worst Actress (Shirley MacLaine, 1985)

Nominee for the Razzie Award for Worst Supporting Actor (Sammy Davis Jr., 1985)

Nominee for the Razzie Award for Worst Supporting Actress (Susan Anton, 1985)

Nominee for the Razzie Award for Worst Supporting Actress (Marilu Henner, 1985)

Nominee for the Razzie Award for Worst Director (Hal Needham, 1985)

Nominee for the Razzie Award for Worst Screenplay (Harvey Miller, Hal Needham, Albert S. Ruddy, 1985)

The Cannonball Run Preview

NOTE: This is a BONUS BMT this week in preparation for Cannonball Run II. To read up on the continued adventures of the Bad Movie Twins see the Cannonball Run II preview.

The Cannonball Run (1981) – BMeTric: 24.4

(It is kind of amazing that there was only five thousand votes for a 1981 smash hit film in 2004 or whatever. Very consistent BMeTric, so basically it is rising just one might expect for a crap film slowly gaining votes over time.)

Leonard Maltin – BOMB – Just what civilization needs – more Reynolds car-chase silliness, inspired by the same cross-country road race depicted in The Gumball Rally and Cannonball. Pretty unendurable, despite unusual cast; rumor has it that the one responsible for casting Dino and Sammy as priests is still doing his Hail Marys. Followed by a sequel.

(Hell yeah this was followed by a sequel. I’m quite shocked this is supposed to be so bad. I had it pegged as a not-funny but very successful minor comedy of the 80s more famous for spawning an infamous sequel than anything else. And it seems that actually both are reviled for mostly the same reasons.)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j2hGFN8NlLQ

(Oh shit they put the fox cartoon at the front of the trailer! Jeez lousie! Farrah Fawcett is looking … a little cold in the early part of that trailer. Terrible trailer, primarily because it muddles the entire plot of the film in my opinion. You obviously can’t fly … like, any transcontinental flight would have crushed those goobers. Just nonsense. Crazy cast, and I’m actually rather surprised that Jackie Chan gets a shout out in the trailer (although this is likely a home video trailer, not theatrical, so it could have been after he was already famous))

Directors – Hal Needham – (Known For: Smokey and the Bandit; Hooper; Future BMT: Smokey and the Bandit Ride Again; Megaforce; Stroker Ace; Cactus Jack; BMT: Cannonball Run II; The Cannonball Run; Razzie Notes: Nominee for Worst Director in 1983 for Megaforce; in 1984 for Stroker Ace; and in 1985 for Cannonball Run II; and Nominee for Worst Screenplay for Cannonball Run II in 1985; Notes: Was primarily a stuntman and is well known for training a new generation of stuntmen and pushing for recognition for their work in film. There is a sad tale to the film though.)

Writers – Brock Yates (written by) – (Future BMT: Smokey and the Bandit Ride Again; BMT: Cannonball Run II; The Cannonball Run; Notes: The creator of the actual Cannon Ball Baker Sea-To-Shining-Sea Memorial Trophy Dash. The ambulance in the film was the actual car he drove in the first race.)

Actors – Burt Reynolds – (Known For: Boogie Nights; Deliverance; Smokey and the Bandit; Bean; Dog Years; The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas; All Dogs Go to Heaven; The Player; The Mean Machine; Hooper; Sharky’s Machine; Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex * But Were Afraid to Ask; White Lightning; Silent Movie; The End; Semi-Tough; Citizen Ruth; Hustle; Best Friends; Switching Channels; Future BMT: The Dukes of Hazzard; Smokey and the Bandit Part 3; Cop & ½; Smokey and the Bandit Ride Again; Delgo; Without a Paddle; City Heat; Stroker Ace; Hotel; Deal; Meet Wally Sparks; The Crew; Rent-a-Cop; The Man Who Loved Women; The Longest Yard; Gator; Physical Evidence; Malone; At Long Last Love; Heat; Stick; Mystery, Alaska; BMT: In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale; Striptease; Driven; Cannonball Run II; The Cannonball Run; Trigger Happy; Razzie Notes: Winner for Worst Actor for Cop & ½ in 1994; Winner for Worst Screen Couple for Striptease in 1997; Nominee for Worst Actor in 1985 for Cannonball Run II, and City Heat; and in 1989 for Rent-a-Cop, and Switching Channels; Nominee for Worst Supporting Actor in 1997 for Striptease; in 2002 for Driven; in 2006 for The Dukes of Hazzard, and The Longest Yard; and in 2009 for Deal, and In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale; and Nominee for Worst Screen Couple for Driven in 2002; Notes: Y’all know Burt Reynolds. Rolling Stone recently called him the last Good Ol’ Boy Movie Star.)

Roger Moore – (Known For: Live and Let Die; Moonraker; For Your Eyes Only; The Spy Who Loved Me; Octopussy; The Man with the Golden Gun; The Wild Geese; The Last Time I Saw Paris; Shout at the Devil; Future BMT: Cats & Dogs: The Revenge of Kitty Galore; Boat Trip; Curse of the Pink Panther; The Quest; The Saint; A View to a Kill; North Sea Hijack; BMT: Spice World; The Cannonball Run; Razzie Notes: Nominee for Worst Supporting Actor for Spice World in 1999; Notes: James Bond times seven. A possibly-BMT film The Spy Who Dumped Me comes out this week, an obvious reference to one of his classic works listed above. Interesting that only one of his seven films qualifies … some of them are truly dire.)

Farrah Fawcett – (Known For: Logan’s Run; Dr. T & the Women; The Apostle; Extremities; See You in the Morning; Future BMT: Man of the House; Saturn 3; The Cookout; Myra Breckinridge; BMT: The Cannonball Run; Razzie Notes: Nominee for Worst Actress for Saturn 3 in 1981; and Nominee for Worst Supporting Actress for The Cannonball Run in 1982; Notes: Was married to Lee Majors and appears on television with him on numerous occasions in the 70s. Broke out as a star with Charlie’s Angels in the late 70s.)

Budget/Gross – $16–18 million / Domestic: $72,179,579

(Huge. Top ten film of the year and obviously made a ton. Amazing to be able to make a film with that many stars, that many stunts, and across the US for that little I feel like. What a steal.)

#14 for the Car Racing genre

(This genre all but died in the 90s although I can’t tell you why (tastes change perhaps, much like the slashed went into a slumber in the 90s?). It is now booming with the Fast and the Furious franchise, which coincidentally are the highest grossing BMT films we’ve see from this genre.)

Rotten Tomatoes – 29% (9/31): No consensus yet.

(The consensus is essentially: They made a terrible bad film, escapism in its purest form … which in a way I guess is fine given it made boatloads of cash. Reviewer Highlight: The Cannonball Run is an abdication of artistic responsibility at the lowest possible level of ambition. – Roger Ebert)

Poster – The No Rulez Race (B-)

(If you look ahead to the Cannonball Run II tagline and poster it’s a bit of a surprise that they did so much better with both those things the second time around. Perhaps they had a little less shame and just went for it when they got to the sequel. This all looks a little restrained, but still artistic.)

Tagline(s) – You’ll root for them all…but you’ll never guess who wins. (D)

(Blah. I actually straight up don’t like this one. Boring. Check out Cannonball Run II for one of the all-time classic taglines. This could not and does not match up.)

Keyword(s) – competition; Top Ten by BMeTric: 95.9 Meet the Spartans (2008); 83.5 Rollerball (2002); 81.9 You Got Served (2004); 77.6 The Starving Games (2013); 75.0 Daddy Day Camp (2007); 72.8 Driven (2001); 69.7 Recep Ivedik 4 (2014); 68.9 DOA: Dead or Alive (2006); 68.8 Herbie Fully Loaded (2005); 55.9 Snow Dogs (2002);

(I want to get served so badly. All of these are pretty great, we’ll sweep these up easily over the next few years I imagine.)

Notes – Jackie Chan makes one of his first U.S. film appearance. Inspired by Hal Needham’s notion of including bloopers during the closing credits, Chan began a tradition of doing the same in most of his movies, from this point onward.

The movie was originally planned as an action film starring Steve McQueen. After McQueen’s death, the lead went to Burt Reynolds, and the film became a comedy. (Oh … uh, that’s too bad, on both counts)

The ambulance used in the movie, is the actual ambulance that Hal Needham and Brock Yates souped up and raced in the real Cannonball Run. It had been modified with a HEMI engine, that made it go up to one hundred forty-five miles per hour (two hundred thirty-three kilometers per hour), and was equipped with four gas filler holes, so that the required ninety gallons (three hundred forty-one liters) could be pumped quickly. Needham and Yates didn’t win the race (the transmission blew in Palm Springs, California) so Needham kept it in storage for several years, until the time came to make this film. After the movie, he gave it to a church charity, which raised a good deal of money auctioning it off. (That is amazing)

Burt Reynolds became the highest paid actor in cinema history up to that point, for this movie, making five million dollars for four weeks work. (Good for him! Good for him!)

The producers asked the Governor of Georgia, if the crew could shut down the center of a small town, so that a plane could land in the middle of it. The police blocked off the section, in which the plane was to land, and a barrier can be seen in the background. (I mean … yeah you can, it is super amateurish)

To get material for this movie, Brock Yates ran the final Cannonball in 1979. The move cost him his editorial position at Car and Driver Magazine, which has since been reinstated. (Oh wow … that is crazy)

Legendary odds-maker Jimmy the Greek had a cameo in this movie, where he did a scene with Dean Martin and Sammy Davis, Jr. Jimmy and Dean grew up in Steubenville, Ohio, and were friends since childhood.

The short sequence in the beginning of the film, which involved two animated cars wrecking the 20th Century Fox logo, was created by Hal Needham, who did a similar one for another studio when releasing Smokey and the Bandit (1977). At first, Fox didn’t appreciate the notion of wrecking their logo, but soon found it would be appealing to audiences if it were left in.

Hal Needham and Producer Albert S. Ruddy liked the chemistry of Terry Bradshaw and Mel Tillis so much, that after this film, they tried to sell a pilot to ABC featuring their characters. The head of the network loved the idea, but the day before the meeting was to be held to discuss it, the head of the network was fired, and the project was cancelled. (NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO)

Burt Reynolds said of the film, “I did that film for all the wrong reasons. I never liked it. I did it to help out a friend of mine, Hal Needham, and I also felt it was immoral to turn down that kind of money. I suppose I sold out, so I couldn’t really object to what people wrote about me.” (Good on you Burt. Good on you)

In one of the earlier scenes in the movie, J.J. McClure (Burt Reynolds) said “Could get a black Trans Am”, and then answers himself, “Naw, that’s been done.” This is a reference to Smokey and the Bandit (1977) and Smokey and the Bandit II (1980), which starred Reynolds, and were directed by Hal Needham, who directed this film. DeLuise co-starred with Reynolds in Smokey and the Bandit Ride Again (1980). (I hate this kind of stuff, but for such a light hearted comedy it makes sense)

Vehicles used in the film: J.J. and Victor are driving a 1978 Dodge Sportsman. Seymour is driving a 1964 Aston Martin DB5. Blake and Fenderbaum are driving a 1977 Ferrari 308 GTS. Terry and Mel are driving a 1976 Chevrolet Chevelle Laguna. Marcie and Jill are driving a 1980 Lamborghini Countach LP 400S. The Japanese team is driving a 1980 Subaru DL. The Sheik is driving a 1976 Rolls-Royce Shadow 1. Mad Dog and Batman are driving a 1980 GMC C-35 Pickup. Brad and Shakey are driving a Harley-Davidson Sportster. When Mr. Foyt shows up at the hotel, he’s driving a 1972 Volvo 142. At the opening, Victor is driving a 1973 Honda Civic. The plane that J.J. and Victor are flying is a Maule M 5-235 Lunar Rocket. During the first appearance of Captain Chaos, he and J.J. are driving a 1969 Porsche 911. (I love it)

The moustache worn by Burt Reynolds in this movie was subsequently auctioned for the charity, UNICEF. The auction was held in Geneva, Switzerland, and the winning bid was twenty-five thousand dollars. The identity of the winning bidder was kept secret for many years. In an interview in 2012, the guitarist of the British rock band Queen, Brian May, revealed the winning bidder was Freddie Mercury, lead singer of Queen. (So it was a fake mustache … or did they like … shave it off and put it on some tape or something)

NOTE: There was a note about this incident here, which I’ve replaced with a link to this article instead. (Super sad. Two years later the disaster on the set of Twilight Zone: The Movie would happen. And while still much safer, accidents like what happened on one of the recent Transformers films, still happen)

The names of the characters of Jill and Marcy are never mentioned in this film. In Cannonball Run II (1984), both actresses were replaced, and were called Jill and Marcy, which has been a matter of debate for many years, as to if Jill and Marcy from Cannonball Run II (1984) are even supposed to be the same characters from this movie, or if it’s just to give the original two characters a name for crediting on movie media sites. (They are the same characters. It would be ludicrous if that weren’t the case)

Awards – Nominee for the Razzie Award for Worst Supporting Actress (Farrah Fawcett, 1982)

Crossroads Recap

Jamie

It’s Britney, bitch. A bunch of estranged BFFs embark on a cross-country road trip when they each find that they are unsatisfied with their life in a different way. Can they see all of their dreams regarding their mother/fiance/singing career go up in smoke and still find that friendship is forever (and maybe also get the guy)? Find out in… Crossroads.

How?! Britney Spears is a high school senior that has drifted away from her childhood friends. When she and those friends realize how far they have strayed from their childhood dreams they set out on a road trip in hopes of finding what each covet. Girl genius Britney Spears wants to meet her mom before heading to college, stuck-up Kit wants to see her fiance at UCLA, and pregnant Mimi wants to see the world and try her hand at getting a record deal before having her baby. As they journey across the country they find that they’ve been missing their friendship the whole time (aww). They also find that Britney Spears got some serious pipes and stage presence when she wins them a boatload of cash in a big New Orleans karaoke competition. When Britney Spears finally gets to her mom’s house she learns that her mom doesn’t want to see her and considers her a mistake. Finding solace in the company of her friends they continue on to LA where Kit figures out that her fiance is actually the father of Mimi’s child from when he raped her (woah!). Mimi then runs away only to fall down the stairs resulting in a miscarriage (holy shit! I thought this was a lighthearted tale of friendship and discovery!). Despite all this they decide they have to give that singing competition one shot and of course Britney Spears blows away the competition and wins the hearts and minds of America. THE END.

Why?! At the beginning for the film Britney Spears, Kit, and Mimi all find themselves at a spot in their lives where they need something. While Mimi obviously feels like she needs to see the world before having a baby, Britney Spears and Kit just feel like something is missing even when from the outside it would seem that their lives are great. The roadtrip is meant to work out those feeling… which is actually quite successful seeing as Kit was engaged a rapist before the roadtrip and is not engaged a rapist after the roadtrip. Mission accomplished.

What?! In some ways this whole movie is an advertisement for delicious Pepsi products which clearly give Britney her song powers. There is also the mysterious “blue beer bottle” that is the crux of the dramatic conclusion to the film, but it’s obviously fictional. It would have been great if it was a real beer where they were like, “so what’s our spot in the film going to be?” “Oh, uh… the rapist enjoys drinking your beer and the fact that he’s drinking it is how he is ultimately discovered and leads to the miscarriage of a baby.” “… we’re not paying for that.”

Who?! Not sure this had anyone of significance… other than the biggest superstar of our generation, duh. It’s Britney, bitch! Classic musician-turned-actress. She’s joined by her younger sister Jamie Lynn Spears who portrays a younger version of Britney. Throw in the band Bowling for Soup that makes a cameo playing at the postgraduation party and we got a veritable murderer’s row of musical talent sprinkled into this masterpiece.

Where?! Road Trip alert! This could almost be its own little challenge as we map out BMT road trip movies by the locations that they explicitly hit. This was pretty clear as they start in Georgia, head into Alabama, skip MS because fuck ‘em, spend a long time in New Orleans where they become karaoke superstars (welcome to the club), head into Texas, stop in Arizona, before finishing in sunny Los Angeles. I give it a B+ as it’s as good as you can get without putting down stakes in a single location.

When?! Finally an exact date. We get a brief glimpse of the flier for the singing competition Britney and her friends participate in. While I was not enjoying Crossroads in 4K UltraHD (I wish), I still am pretty sure it said that the competition was taking place on June 16th, which makes sense with the film opening on their high school graduation.

This movie is like a rollercoaster ride (if rollercoasters mostly headed downwards). When it started I was like “Yo, Britney Spears can act, bro… She’s Britney, bitch.” She has a scene at the beginning of the film where she is supposed to be upset because she’s had her whole life pass her by in pursuit of a dream she realizes she never wanted in the first place. That’s pretty emotionally complex. It’s not like “Imagine your dog died” crying. This is like “you’re crying but you’re also confused and you don’t want to upset your dad.” And, spoiler alert, she pulled it off! Add on top of that a scene with Justin Long that is the only funny part in the entire film and I was thinking I might actually somehow be digging Crossroads starring Britney, bitch. Then it started a slow and steady descent downwards until it hit an ending that is so ludicrous and bad that I remembered that Crossroads was a really bad movie. Also Britney Spears can’t sing, which is a tough look. Patrick?

Patrick

‘Ello everyone! Not a sklooooooooooog, not yet an … older skloooooooooog. Britney’s back jack, with a whole gang of ladies ready to sing and dance and travel across the country. What could go wrong? Let’s get into it!

The Good – Actually a pretty good road trip film. Got friends learning to love again, and you visit like … four goddamn states. Britney and Zoe Saldana are decent actors. They don’t pull any punches with the drama concerning the mother’s storyline. All in all, kind of surprising. Not a good film, but it has a lot more good elements than you would expect.

P’s View on the Preview – The most interesting thing in this preview was, oddly, that all of a sudden the bottom IMDb list looks … normal. So, here it is two years ago. The bottom film on that page has a rating of 2.8, which is … quite low. Here it is now. What the F-ing F?!?! NOTE! Nothing on that page has changed, not even the purported threshold of 1500 votes. That bottom title is even lower and has over 1500 votes. Suspicious, but also I think ultimately a good thing. For the record it changed at some point between July 8th and July 14th according to the Internet Archive, so good on me to noticing it I suppose. I do not think the method to the madness will be able to be discerned unfortunately.

The Bad – Most of the acting is terrible. The singing is universally terrible. The film feels … exploitative (see my rant). It possibly has the worst twist in cinematic history. Seriously, I don’t even want to say what it is … except Jamie already did, but Kit’s fiance raped her friend and they solve the mystery based on the beer he is drinking?! Get the F outta here! The most ridiculous thing is that it is pretty clear Anson Mount is supposed to be in his 20s and macking on just-18 Britney Spears … its gross. Give me Monte Carlo any day … even though I kind of love this film.

Get Yo Rant On – The film opens with Britney Spears (a 20 year old Britney Spears) dancing in her underwear. We soon see her, again, in her underwear with Justin Long. Later she does a sexy dance karaoke scene to get money. It feel exploitative. It feels like people trying to capitalize on Britney Spears in a kind of gross way. I don’t really need to say more, it isn’t really my place to be outraged by this, but it still felt gross in a way only having watched this when I was like … 17 and then again at 30 managed to do. I didn’t like it. End rant.

The BMT – Unlike a few of the previous films (Anaconda in particular) I think having watched this before helped immensely on the rewatch. I would gladly watch this film with other people to make fun of the terrible twist and terrible singing. And I think it can stand proudly with the disturbing number of films we’ve seen starring pop icons.

Welcome to Earf – Let’s see. Dan Aykroyd is in Crossroads and Nothing But Trouble with Demi Moore who is in Striptease with Burt Reynolds who is in In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale with Leelee Sobieski who was in Here on Earth. Welcome to Earf!

StreetCreditReport.com – Mentioned in passing in this Rolling Stones article. A lot of small blogs mention it with the same tired joke (“Not a singer, not yet an actress” is the gist of it). It has the cred, I know it because of the IMDb bottom 100, it just barely seems to predate popular bad movie lists coming out online.

No homework (unless you count the number of times I saw this film as a child), so I’ll just leave it there.

Cheerios,

The Sklogs

Crossroads Quiz

You ready for a true-blue cross country roadtrip with the girls?! Well hop on in, sing some karaoke, and hope you can remember anything about this heartwarming coming-of-age tale.

Pop Quiz Hot Shot!

1) Justin Long and Britney Spears get miiiiiighty close to doing it. Unfortunately for him she gets cold feet (to go with his blue balls, heyyyyyyoooooooo). In a last ditch effort to drum up some confidence she has him read three items from the list of reasons for them to have sex. Name at least two, bonus if you get all three.

2) Instead of having sex with Justin Long, Britney Spears instead goes to dig up a time capsule (almost as cool, whatevs) with her besties. What item did each of the girls put into the time capsule. Bonus if you can name the fourth and final item as well.

3) In a true-blue cross country bonanza Britney and the gang grab Anson Mount and drive to California. Where did the trip begin, and what two other states play a major role in the trip?

4) Throughout the film Taryn Manning is pregnant, but not by her boyfriend. Who knocked her up and how?

5) Let’s finish with an easy one. What Britney Spears smash hit was Crossroads presented as a kind of origin story for? She sings it at the end when (spoiler alert) she smashes it at the singing competition.

Answers

Anacondas: The Hunt for the Blood Orchid Recap

Jamie

When a company discovers that a rare flower is the key to eternal life they send a group of scientists to find it. They hire a boat to go into a remote region of Papua New Guinea but soon find themselves trying to escape a large number of giant anacondas. Will they get out before it’s too late? Find out in… Anacondas: The Hunt for the Blood Orchid.

How?! A bunch of scientists are totes excited about a chemical they’ve discovered in a flower called the blood orchid that will greatly extend life. Unfortunately this flower only blooms once every seven years or some shit and only in a remote area in Borneo. They head on out there, hire a boat, and then wonder whether they’ve heard this story before because it sure is ringing some bells. Anyway, they are sailing smoothly along until flooding looks like it is too bad to continue. “No way!” says a definitely-not-evil scientist and offers the captain some more money to continue on. This is a mistake as they immediately go over a waterfall. With their boat trashed they have only one option: trek through the jungle to try to find help. This is also a mistake as they begin to be eaten by giant anacondas… which makes no sense but whatever. Eventually they find their way to a village that has been ravaged by anacondas and they use the remnants of the huts to build a raft. However, the evvvviiiilll scientist is like “No way!” and kills one of the crew and steals the raft. Once again the only recourse is to trek through the jungle to steal the raft back and once again this is a mistake as several more people are eaten by anacondas. Finally they corner the evvviiiillll scientist in the blood orchid garden who falls like a dumbo into a writhing mating ball of anacondas (their words, not mine). They then blow up all those snakes and jet away on their raft. THE END.

Why? MacGuffin. baby! They just want that sweet, sweet blood orchid to make bank on a drug that extends life. Interestingly, unlike the first anaconda film they also provide a reason that the snakes are so huge. Since the blood orchid extends life and anacondas continue to grow bigger over time they are huge because they feed on the orchid. Unfortunately they never explain how anacondas are in Indonesia. It really seems like they wrote a random python movie and then were like “yo, wait. You remember that smash hit that came out seven years ago? What if…”

What?! A+ MacGuffin here as it even appears in the title of the film! The Blood Orchid is so classic that you could use it as a joke to exemplify a terrible and hilarious title to a film. Like Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo. Or actually the recent Speed 2: Cruise Control. We are kind of on a subtitle roll at the moment.

Who?! Despite a rather large animal part in this film for a monkey named Kong, we unfortunately didn’t get a credit for Kong himself. We did get a credit for a monkey trainer named Tim Williams. He trained animals on the BMT films Cradle 2 the Grave, Failure to Launch, Transformers, and Zookeeper (an underrated classic). Training that gorilla to sing Apple Bottom Jeans must have been really hard.

Where?! It is very clearly set in Borneo… they say it a whole bunch. We also get a map that places it clearly in the Indonesian area of the island. Just a great great great mapl.de.map location. Although it makes no sense as anacondas are not indigenous to Indonesia. Or even anywhere outside of the Americas. Really this should have been giant reticulated pythons (already the largest snakes in the world). B+.

When?! There is nothing more I could have wished for than for this to be a secret holiday film. Like they’re floating up the river and one of the doctors remarks that he can’t believe he’s spending Christmas in Borneo. As it is, the best we get is one of the technologists saying that he’s missing a Knicks game so October to April (I’m not including playoffs since it’s the Knicks. BOOOOOOM!). F.

This fits nicely into a certain type of BMT film we stumble upon rather frequently (most recently Righteous Kill). It’s a film that by all accounts should have been a direct-to-video release, but somehow made it onto the release schedule. In this case it was probably just an opening in the schedule and they thought “what the hell, the first one did really well.” All things considered this should have just ended up on video and we shouldn’t have ever seen it. But we did… and it’s kind of boring. I will say that there is a level of insanity (especially at the end) that could be entertaining at times. The production quality just wasn’t there. Patrick?

Patrick

‘Ello everyone! Remember that film you made like … 5 years ago? No, you remember it, is had Ice Cube and a big snake or something. Wasn’t it popular? Screw it, let’s make a sequel. Let’s get into it.

The Good – I learned why you don’t watch borderline-straight-to-video sequels to films made in the mid-2000s. There is an adorable monkey in the film. They really flesh out the Anaconda mythos (joking, read the rant).

P’s View of the Preview – Generating the preview the thing that really struck me was how everyone in the film was television actors. So watching what one could put together with a television budget, cast, and (honestly) plot was going to be interesting. Oh, and of course just how Borneo the film is is always a fun settings time. This is one of those films I just never really imagined I would watch … it was shocking to realize it is nominated for a Razzie and thus an inevitable addition to BMT.

The Bad – Where to even start with this pile of garbage. The story involving magic flower anti-aging medicine is dumb. The CGI is awful. The obvious evil scientist twist is obvious. They say mating ball multiple times. They far too quickly dispatch the best character in the film, the boat named Bloody Mary … it is a surreal experience watching such a pointless film. It is hard to even put into words how very strange I found this film. How was this released to theaters and not just directly to the SyFy channel?

Get Yo Rant On – This is like the Halloween franchise problem all over again. There is no need to explain why Anacondas are big. They are big snakes. Reports (probably apocryphal) of enormous Anacondas have been reported throughout history. So why invent some magic flower as a MacGuffin which doubles as a bizarre explanation for why there are big snakes? No one cares. Why can’t Michael Myers just want to kill Laurie Strode … wait, wrong movie, one second … Why can’t I just have a big snake that likes to kill humans for sport without getting into why this snake is big? End Rant.

The BMT – This could end up being the most pointless sequel I’ve ever seen … is that a reason for being though? I guess. I can’t imagine ever recommending this film for anything. It just isn’t very fun … besides them saying “mating ball” like sixteen times … which is pretty awesome I have to admit. But no, terrible BMT film in my opinion.

Welcome to Earf – I need a little help to get started. So main badass Johnny Messner it turns out is in The Whole Ten Yards with Natasha Henstridge who was in Ghosts of Mars with Ice Cube who was in Anaconda which we know we can get back to Here on Earth with … but for posterity, Anaconda has Owen Wilson who was in I Spy with Eddie Murphy who was in Norbit with Terry Crews who was in Blended with Adam Sandler who was in Jack and Jill with Al Pacino who was in 88 Minutes with Leelee Sobieski who was in Here on Earth. Welcome to Earf!!

StreetCreditReport.com – Nothing! Not that surprising. Who cares about the second Anaconda film? It kind of barely exists. I would have hoped it could make some worst sequel list, but not really. No hope with creature feature lists since there are a million terrible SyFy films available. How did this thing get nominated for a Razzie?

We did indeed watch both films for this installment, so the only other real homework I could have done would be the two straight-to-video sequels they made … thanks but no thanks.

Cheerios,

The Sklogs

Anaconda Recap

Jamie

Terri Flores is a documentary film director searching for a mysterious Amazon tribe. Her and her film crew take a boat down the river only to pick up a mysterious stranger who immediately leads them astray. Can they survive his maniacal obsession with capturing a giant and dangerous anaconda and get back to safety before it’s too late? Find out in… Anaconda.

How?! The title and concept of the film would lead you to believe that a giant (perhaps mutant) anaconda is in fact the main foe at the center of this film. Alas you would be wrong. After a film crew (complete with nerdy professor and pompous British host) hire a boat to take them into the Amazon in search of a mysterious tribe called the Shirishamas, they stumble upon Serone, a Paraguayan snake hunter. He is obviously quite evil and is in actuality their main foe. He starts to murder, maim, and manipulate all the dumb dumbs on the boat to get it to go exactly where he wants to go: to face off against a giant anaconda mano a… uuuhhhh…. not mano. You see, the snake is not mutant or different at all. In fact it’s not even just one snake. They are clearly stumbling upon multiple giant anacondas. If they had stayed out of its lair everyone would have been just fine. But alas, Serone has different ideas. Once Serone has subdued the main scientist via a wasp in his scuba equipment (classic Serone) he gets them to go down a tributary that has been blocked off (presumably because there are giant snakes there). There he begins to hunt the snakes and the snakes begin to hunt them. By the end we get a climactic scene of Serone attempting to use Flores as bait in a snake trap. This backfires and Serone is eaten by the anaconda only to be thrown up to wink at the camera one last time. Flores and her cameraman then lay a trap for the anaconda and they blow it up. As they find their way out of the jungle they get a final shot of the Shirishamas which will win them an Oscar (although given how much they were able to shoot they’ll probably have to move the submission from documentary feature to the short subject category). THE END.

Why?! The crew just wants some sweet shots of that missing tribe. Serone just wants to bag a giant anaconda and will stop at nothing to attain this goal. The weird thing is to try to figure out Serone’s plan. Him and the riverboat captain are already in cahoots before the film starts. So in reality they could have taken the boat and hunted anacondas wheneva. But perhaps they needed the documentary crew’s funding to do so… then why trick them into allowing Serone onto the boat in the first place? Just have him be part of the riverboat crew. Also, why not just dump the crew when they get far enough up river? Seems like a terrible idea to keep all these people around who could sabotage Serone’s ultimate aim. Anyway, this leads me to conclude that secretly Serone wanted to be famous. He wanted to board the ship with the documentary crew on there, woo then with his knowledge and screen presence, and eventually shift the focus of the documentary to Serone: Anaconda Hunter. It’s the only logical conclusion.

What?! I don’t recall any product placements of significance. The anaconda is definitely Serone’s MacGuffin, but no one else wants to find that guy. Really the Shirishamas are closer to a MacGuffin as the audience is told that they are somehow important and mysterious, but little else is known about them. They are just an object of great interest to our characters because…

Who?! Uh… JLo? Ice Cube? Evah heard of them? I’ve been interested in finding some examples of a double musician-turned-actor film in anticipation of watching Edison Force starring LLCoolJ and Justin Timberlake, but totally forgot that we were literally watching one of those very films this week.

Where?! Brazil babbbbyyyyyyyyy. We get an intertitle and a map scene and the whole thing. Also anacondas are only found in South America and primarily in the Amazon, so pretty strictly has to be set in Brazil. I mean it would be totally ridiculous to set a film elsewhere and imply that there are anacondas there *slowly looks towards the DVD copy of Anacondas: The Hunt for the Blood Orchid*. I’m leaning towards A-.

When?! Serone has no concept of time. There is only the time before he catches the giant snake and the time after he catches the giant snake (during which he is planning how to trick people into helping him find another giant snake). What I’m saying is that I don’t know when this takes place. F.

This film is actually a lot more fun than almost anything else we watch. Yeah the plot doesn’t make a huge amount of sense. Yeah the anaconda looks like garbage most of the time. But it’s kind of like a home invasion film where the main character keeps doing super dumb stuff and you just want to yell “don’t do that! He’s evil!” and it’s fun enough to go along with. It may not win any Smaddies Baddies in the end, but I found the whole experience satisfactory. Patrick?

Patrick

‘Ello everyone! What happens when you very intensely watch a film you’ve not only seen before, but you’ve seen multiple times and was one of the first “horror” films you ever watched in your life (in theaters no less)? Come into my mind and find out, let’s go!

The Good – I actually genuinely (hey, why are you laughing? I’m serious) liked this film in a weird way. Sure Voight is a bit over the top at (all) times, but the ensemble cast all seem pretty ready to fake interact with fake snakes and the scenery is amazing. With a strong willingness to just lazily float down the anaconda filled amazon tributary with our heroes I don’t see why you can’t have fun with this film.

P’s View on the Preview – Obviously I was here for one thing and one thing only from a bad movie perspective: Jon Voight. His performance is kind of legendary. From the weird accent, to him mugging for the camera, to the final regurgitated wink, the entire thing was a beautiful symphony. Fun fact: As the moment approached I started to convince myself that I had imagined the wink Jon Voight’s corpse performs after being regurgitated by the Anaconda … I did not, and, appropriately, I burst out laughing when it happened.

The Bad – Owen Wilson and Kari Wuhrer were probably the weakest in the cast, mostly there to betray everyone (in Wilson’s case), cry (in Wuhrer’s case), then die (both of them). The snake looks like complete crap I want to say … 90% of the time. They kill off by far the best character (the British dandy of a host who ends up becoming a one-with-the-jungle badass). And … well, I think it is time for a rant.

Get Yo Rant On – Seriously though … what the hell are creature features supposed to be? This movie isn’t scary, so is it really a “horror” film? There isn’t really a single moment that is scary at all, and it is hard to tell whether they are even trying to make it scary. So are they thrillers? Action films? The classic creature features are things like Frankenstein. The quintessential one is Jaws. People thought Jaws was scary at the time, but it isn’t really now … so are people merely mimicking that feeling of tension? It is a confusing genre, especially with things like Godzilla and King Kong really going all out with the action version, and things like Meg which is the (new very popular) action-comedy I think. I just don’t know how to feel about it in the end. End rant.

The BMT – It certainly is a new twist on BMT. I don’t think Anaconda will go down in history, but I think this could be on the first examples of us rewatching a film. It … wasn’t wholly successful I don’t think. My previous watches definitely left me slightly less interested than I often am. But we have a few more coming up, so we’ll see how it goes. It is also just a little too good to be a classic. But I would watch it if someone offered, and we’d laugh heartily at it. So that is a win.

Welcome to Earf – Weirdly an easy one: Owen Wilson is in I Spy with Eddie Murphy, who was in Norbit with Terry Crews, who was in Blended with Adam Sandler, who was in Jack and Jill with Al Pacino, who was in 88 Minutes with Leelee Sobieski, who was in Here on Earth Welcome to Earf!

StreetCreditReport.com – Not surprisingly it doesn’t get any play from what I can tell. But this was kind of before worst of lists became popular. Funny enough it is mentioned as one of Ebert’s worst reviews. Honestly, this is exactly the type of movie Ebert would be a huge apologist for. Goofy fun which was never really intended to be taken seriously. I disagree with the attitude in general, but I respect the consistency with which Ebert went about his argument for it.

No homework because we were ballers and watched both Anacondas. Go check out what I thought about the completely pointless (spoilees!) sequel!

Cheerios,

The Sklogs