Wow. So I was watching Pearl Harbor for the third time when I slipped and fell on some popcorn butter I had spilled in my excitement. Not only are my pants now covered in popcorn butter stains, but I also bopped myself on the head, and can’t remember a thing. Now I have to watch the film for a fourth time. Do you remember what happened in Pearl Harbor?
Pop Quiz Hot Shot!
1) This movie is all about that meetcute. What is Affleck and Beckinsale’s meetcute story?
2) Oh but whoops, Ben Affleck died. That’s sad. But he didn’t? So where the hell was he for the last few months?
3) Time for a … well not really a meetcute, but it is a something between Hartnett and Beckinsale which makes them call in lurv as well. Where do they meet up for the first time since they both heard about Affleck’s death?
4) Where do Affleck and Hartnett get their airplanes from to go and shoot down a bunch of Japanese fighter planes?
5) Uh oh, the Doolittle Raid just got a whole lot more dangerous. Why and how do their initial plans change which makes it nearly impossible for the American pilots to come back alive?
Bonus Question: Ben Affleck is playing with Harnett’s son, it is 1946, the war has been over for a year. The phone rings. Who is it and what does he say?
A few hours later Patrick and Kyle bid farewell to the maidens. At first Patrick thought he would have to put on his glasses and explain the way of the world to them. Take on that mentor role he’s sure Stallone has always craved. But soon the tables were turned. They had not only cured Patrick’s crippling writer’s block, but also bought and sold Stallone’s extensive wine collection at an immense profit. They taught Kyle how to fly a kite, lambada, and steal cable. By the time they were finished they really didn’t feel like having steamy sex with a random movie star. “You’re actually kinda… lame,” one of them admits, “but in a nice way.” Patrick smiles. It’s funny how you can learn something new, even when it’s all already happened, Patrick thinks. Suddenly his wheels are turning. History… history repeats itself. “Kid,” he says to Kyle, “buckle up, cause we’re going historical.”
Kyle stands in front of his lecture hall, chalk covering his hands. He breathes heavily as he finishes the diagram. Turning back to Jamie he says in a slow, deliberate voice, “OK, so let’s imagine you are a bad guy, right?” Jamie nods. “And not one with big muscles, sweet dance moves, or… uh,” he squints closer at the list he’s written detailing every way Jamie might obtain the Obsidian Dongle, “‘Jorts for days’, whatever that is. Right?” Jamie nods again, seems pretty straightforward. “So,” Kyle says dramatically, “how might you get the Dongle?” A light suddenly goes off in Jamie’s head, “I would pretend I’m not a bad guy at all.” Kyle gets excited and encourages him to keep going. “And then I would… I would…” he dramatically pauses, “nope, no… it slipped away.” Kyle snaps his chalk in half.
That’s right! We are going historical and watching a little Pearl Harbor. I have somehow seen this film several times in my life, which is really making me reflect on a lot of choices I’ve made. But we’ve never watched it for BMT so… *sigh* here we go again. As for the fried, we’re pairing it like a fine wine with Slipstream starring none other than Mark Hamill. He looks real nuts on the poster and that’s enough for us. Let’s go!
Pearl Harbor (2001) – BMeTric: 27.9; Notability: 193
StreetCreditReport.com –BMeTric: top 24.0%; Notability: top 0.0%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 22.6%; Higher BMeT: Glitter, Jason X, Freddy Got Fingered, Driven, The Animal, Ghosts of Mars, Black Knight, Valentine, Crocodile Dundee in Los Angeles, Soul Survivors, Monkeybone, The Musketeer, Corky Romano, Scary Movie 2, The Wedding Planner, Bones, Summer Catch, The Order, Say It Isn’t So, The Wash, and 40 more; Lower RT: Nobody’s Baby, Texas Rangers, Soul Survivors, Glitter, All the Queen’s Men, Corky Romano, The Forsaken, Summer Catch, The Wash, Out Cold, Say It Isn’t So, Joe Dirt, Head Over Heels, Megiddo: The Omega Code 2, What’s the Worst That Could Happen?, Freddy Got Fingered, Crocodile Dundee in Los Angeles, Perfume, The Musketeer, Valentine, and 33 more; Notes: Jesus Christo. Nearly 200 notability. Watch the film though, there are legit famous people who appear out of nowhere to speak one line and you’re like “is that Mr. Darcy from Married with Children?!”
RogerEbert.com – 1.5 stars – “Pearl Harbor” is a two-hour movie squeezed into three hours, about how on Dec. 7, 1941, the Japanese staged a surprise attack on an American love triangle. Its centerpiece is 40 minutes of redundant special effects, surrounded by a love story of stunning banality. The film has been directed without grace, vision, or originality, and although you may walk out quoting lines of dialog, it will not be because you admire them.
(Boom, roasted! But that is a complaint I feel like is warranted with a lot of, frankly, boring bad movies. That they had an hour long movie that was good, and then they needed to stretch it to feature length and it got boring or the third act fell apart. The difference here is they probably had a perfectly good (if intense) 2 hour film that is somewhat ruined by making it a 3 hour epic.)
(You could be forgiven for not realizing Harnett and Beckinsale are also in the military. Also, Voight’s bizarre FDR performance being so heavily featured in this trailing is a bit insane as well. Still … kind of gets you amped for it.)
Directors – Michael Bay – ( Known For: Ambulance; Transformers; 6 Underground; The Rock; 13 Hours; Bad Boys; Pain & Gain; Future BMT: The Island; Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen; Transformers: Dark of the Moon; Bad Boys II; BMT: Armageddon; Transformers: The Last Knight; Pearl Harbor; Transformers: Age of Extinction; Razzie Notes: Winner for Worst Director in 2010 for Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen; and in 2015 for Transformers: Age of Extinction; and Nominee for Worst Director in 1999 for Armageddon; in 2002 for Pearl Harbor; in 2012 for Transformers: Dark of the Moon; and in 2018 for Transformers: The Last Knight; Notes: Bay has kind of retired? It is hard to tell, he’s released two films in five years, both to streaming. He still works, but after the most recent iteration on Transformers it feels a bit like he’s lost the magic. He’s a huge producer though.)
Writers – Randall Wallace – ( Known For: Braveheart; We Were Soldiers; Heaven Is for Real; Future BMT: The Man in the Iron Mask; BMT: Pearl Harbor; Razzie Notes: Nominee for Worst Screenplay for Pearl Harbor in 2002; Notes: Military writer. I would have expected him to have been in the military, but nope. Majored in religion at Duke. Has written seven books as well (although some are novelizations of his films). Nominated for an Oscar for Pearl Harbor.)
Actors – Ben Affleck – ( Known For: Gone Girl; Clerks III; Deep Water; Good Will Hunting; The Last Duel; Dazed and Confused; Zack Snyder’s Justice League; The Accountant; The Town; Argo; Dogma; He’s Just Not That Into You; Daredevil; Triple Frontier; The Tender Bar; Shakespeare in Love; The Sum of All Fears; Field of Dreams; State of Play; School Ties; Future BMT: Suicide Squad; Justice League; Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice; Buffy the Vampire Slayer; Smokin’ Aces; Live by Night; 200 Cigarettes; Surviving Christmas; BMT: Armageddon; Pearl Harbor; Paycheck; Gigli; Reindeer Games; Runner Runner; Phantoms; Razzie Notes: Winner for Worst Actor in 2004 for Daredevil, Gigli, and Paycheck; Winner for Worst Screen Combo for Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice in 2017; Winner for Worst Screen Couple for Gigli in 2004; Nominee for Worst Actor in 2002 for Pearl Harbor; in 2005 for Jersey Girl, and Surviving Christmas; and in 2017 for Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice; Nominee for Worst Supporting Actor for The Last Duel in 2022; Nominee for Worst Actor of the Decade in 2010 for Daredevil, Gigli, Jersey Girl, Paycheck, Pearl Harbor, and Surviving Christmas; and Nominee for Worst Screen Couple in 1999 for Armageddon; in 2002 for Pearl Harbor; and in 2005 for Jersey Girl; Notes: Won two Oscars, for writing Good Will Hunting, and for producing Argo. Famously dated J-Lo (as Bennifer), and more recently they got back together and married in July.)
Kate Beckinsale – ( Known For: The Aviator; Jolt; Serendipity; Much Ado About Nothing; Laurel Canyon; Vacancy; Love & Friendship; The Only Living Boy in New York; Contraband; Stonehearst Asylum; Absolutely Anything; The Last Days of Disco; Nothing But the Truth; Everybody’s Fine; Haunted; Royal Deceit; Farming; The Trials of Cate McCall; The Face of an Angel; Snow Angels; Future BMT: Van Helsing; Underworld; Click; Total Recall; Underworld: Blood Wars; Underworld: Evolution; Underworld: Rise of the Lycans; Underworld: Awakening; Brokedown Palace; The Disappointments Room; BMT: Pearl Harbor; Tiptoes; Whiteout; Razzie Notes: Nominee for Worst Screen Couple for Pearl Harbor in 2002; Notes: British. Went to New College, Oxford majoring in French and Russian Literature before dropping out to pursue acting. Is the lead in the entire Underworld series, which we’ve never done for BMT somehow.)
Josh Hartnett – ( Known For: Wrath of Man; Operation Fortune: Ruse de guerre; Sin City; Black Hawk Down; Halloween H20: 20 Years Later; The Faculty; The Virgin Suicides; 30 Days of Night; Lucky Number Slevin; Wild Horses; The Ottoman Lieutenant; Ida Red; Most Wanted; O; Blow Dry; 6 Below: Miracle on the Mountain; Resurrecting the Champ; Bunraku; Valley of the Gods; She’s Missing; Future BMT: 40 Days and 40 Nights; The Black Dahlia; BMT: Pearl Harbor; Wicker Park; Hollywood Homicide; Here on Earth; Town & Country; Razzie Notes: Nominee for Worst Screen Couple for Pearl Harbor in 2002; Notes: Multiple BMT Love Triangle Award Winner (for Here on Earth and now Pearl Harbor). In 2002 he moved back to Minnesota and semi-retired from acting, but has gone back to acting a bit in recent years.)
(I mean, that’s just fine indeed. I guess they were maybe looking for Armageddon money, so they missed by a little ($100 million worldwide difference), but surely Pearl Harbor would have expected to be less well received internationally right?)
Rotten Tomatoes – 24% (46/194): Pearl Harbor tries to be the Titanic of war movies, but it’s just a tedious romance filled with laughably bad dialogue. The 40 minute action sequence is spectacular though.
(Yeah, this is pretty much right. The bits where you see actual Pearl Harbor action are amazing. The bit where you see intense Love Triangle action, not so much.)
Reviewer Highlight: The bombs explode brilliantly but the story is a bust in “Pearl Harbor.” – Todd McCarthy, Variety
(This seems very appropriate for a Michael Bay film about Pearl Harbor. We gonna get some planes and smoke and not know what the hell is happening probably. Hate the font and it just looks dark and dingy. C-.)
Tagline(s) – It takes a moment to change history. It takes love to change lives. (B-)
(I don’t see any tagline on the poster, but I’m sure this was used somewhere. It was the better of the two listed. Still somewhat laughable of a tagline for Pearl Harbor. Obviously this is a love story, but I feel like Pearl Harbor still overshadowed it a bit. Not like everyone’s looking around at the end being like “sure that was a big event, but gosh darn it those kids are gonna make it and that’s what’s really important.” No, the event was also quite important.)
Keyword(s) – past
Top 10: The Shawshank Redemption (1994), Forrest Gump (1994), The Dark Knight Rises (2012), Django Unchained (2012), Gladiator (2000), Inglourious Basterds (2009), Saving Private Ryan (1998), Schindler’s List (1993), The Prestige (2006), Shutter Island (2010)
Future BMT: 88.7 BloodRayne (2005), 73.0 The Unborn (2009), 70.4 Texas Chainsaw (2013), 70.2 Black Christmas (2006), 69.9 Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III (1993), 65.9 The Woman in Black 2: Angel of Death (2014), 64.6 The Final Destination (2009), 62.1 The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor (2008), 59.8 Exorcist: The Beginning (2004), 56.8 Robin Hood (2018), 55.1 Annabelle (2014), 54.9 The Quiet Ones (2014), 54.5 Snow Dogs (2002), 53.8 Spy Hard (1996), 53.1 Porky’s Revenge (1985), 52.4 2016: Obama’s America (2012), 52.1 Radhe Shyam (2022), 51.6 Porky’s II: The Next Day (1983), 50.2 The Last Legion (2007), 50.1 Halloween Kills (2021) … (and many more)
BMT: Epic Movie (2007), Superman IV: The Quest for Peace (1987), The Fog (2005), Movie 43 (2013), Super Mario Bros. (1993), Glitter (2001), Holmes & Watson (2018), The Master of Disguise (2002), The Legend of Hercules (2014), Grease 2 (1982), The Bye Bye Man (2017), Jonah Hex (2010), Freddy’s Dead: The Final Nightmare (1991), Wild Wild West (1999), Highlander: The Final Dimension (1994), The Ridiculous 6 (2015), Highlander: Endgame (2000), Black Knight (2001), Chernobyl Diaries (2012), A Nightmare on Elm Street 5: The Dream Child (1989), Cool World (1992), The Musketeer (2001), An American Haunting (2005), Apollo 18 (2011), Ishtar (1987), The Curse of La Llorona (2019), The Nun (2018), Pinocchio (2002), Hellraiser: Bloodline (1996), Bolero (1984), Bones (2001), Shanghai Surprise (1986), Return to the Blue Lagoon (1991), House of Wax (2005), Season of the Witch (2011), The Tuxedo (2002), Mannequin: On the Move (1991), Pompeii (2014), Ghost Ship (2002), Assassin’s Creed (2016), The Scarlet Letter (1995), Dolittle (2020), Timeline (2003), The Quest (1996), X-Men: Dark Phoenix (2019), Wagons East (1994), The Three Musketeers (2011), Diana (2013), Ben-Hur (2016), Rambo III (1988), Around the World in 80 Days (2004), The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning (2006), The Blue Lagoon (1980), Cutthroat Island (1995), Texas Rangers (2001), Sucker Punch (2011), Captain Corelli’s Mandolin (2001), Jobs (2013), Dirty Dancing: Havana Nights (2004), Friday the 13th Part 2 (1981), Original Sin (2001), Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters (2013), American Outlaws (2001), Universal Soldier (1992), Winter’s Tale (2014), Harlem Nights (1989), I Dreamed of Africa (2000), Pearl Harbor (2001), The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (2003), The Identical (2014), The Chamber (1996), The Marrying Man (1991), Wild Bill (1995), In Love and War (1996), Sleepaway Camp (1983), Gods and Generals (2003), The Lone Ranger (2013), X-Men Origins: Wolverine (2009), Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales (2017), Rambo: First Blood Part II (1985), Halloween II (1981), September Dawn (2007), Young Guns II (1990), Oscar (1991), Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides (2011), Evening (2007), The 13th Warrior (1999), White Comanche (1968), Gangster Squad (2013), Now and Then (1995), A Dog’s Purpose (2017)
Best Options (senseless): 46.4 The Black Dahlia (2006), 42.4 Insidious: The Last Key (2018), 27.9 Pearl Harbor (2001), 27.7 Knowing (2009), 26.3 If Looks Could Kill (1991), 23.8 Welcome to Marwen (2018), 19.3 National Treasure: Book of Secrets (2007), 2.0 The Five Heartbeats (1991)
(Basically you want to do Harnett is what it is saying. And we finally had to do Pearl Harbor … I mean, officially, I’ve seen this film three times now. Ten hours of my life has been spent watching Pearl Harbor. May god have mercy on my soul.)
Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 6) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Josh Hartnett is No. 3 billed in Pearl Harbor and No. 3 billed in Here on Earth, => (3 + 3) = 6. There is no shorter path at the moment.
Notes – When shooting the scene where Rafe (Ben Affleck) and Danny (Josh Hartnett) manage to get off the ground during the attack, and are chased by three Japanese Zeroes, one of the real planes clipped a palm tree and crashed. The pilot was dazed, and suffered only a broken finger.
Jon Voight wore duplicates of the steel leg-braces that President Franklin D. Roosevelt had to wear. As a result, Voight suffered from bruising and chafing on his legs for weeks after finishing his work for the film.
The character portrayed by Cuba Gooding Jr., Doris “Dorie” Miller, was the first African-American to be awarded the Navy Cross. He was later assigned to the escort carrier Liscome Bay. He was reported missing in action in November 1943, when it was torpedoed during the Battle of Makin Island.
Ben Affleck’s grandfather declined to see the film, explaining that he wasn’t interested in reliving the war in any way, shape, or form.
The scene that shows the Japanese planes attacking the hospital caused a great uproar, both in Japan and among Pearl Harbor veterans, because it never happened. The Japanese pilots were under strict orders not to attack civilian targets. Survivors note that even when the Japanese had a straight line of attack, they never attacked the hospital itself. Director Michael Bay said he added the scene to make the attack seem more barbaric.
To simulate the U.S.S. Oklahoma capsizing, the crew constructed the world’s largest-ever gimbal. It took special effects supervisor John Frazier four months to design, and four more months for he and production designer Nigel Phelps to build. It was made of pure steel and weighed 700,000 pounds. It could rise 25 degrees into the air, and do a 180 degree barrel turn. In the film, as the Oklahoma rolls over, the back 450 feet is CGI, but the front portion is the real gimbal, with over 150 real stuntmen on it.
The shots of the series of six explosions in Battleship Row were filmed by 14 cameras, and were actually staged on real Navy ships. While on a location scout above Pearl Harbor, Michael Bay looked down and saw a line of ships doing nothing. He learned that the ships were part of the inactive fleet, and so he decided to use them for the explosions. The charges were put on the real ships on plywood for protection, with 700 sticks of dynamite, 2,000 feet of cord, and 4,000 gallons of gasoline used. The six 600-foot ship explosions took a month and a half to rig (with 500 individual bombs on each boat). During the scene, over 100 extras were in the harbor, and six real planes had to fly past the ships. In total, the shots took seven months of coordination among every department on the film, the state of Hawaii, the Environmental Protection Agency, and the U.S. Navy to ensure everything went off without a hitch. In the end, the explosions themselves lasted only seven seconds, and comprised only 12 seconds of on-screen time.
For the scenes of the Japanese planes taking off, an American carrier was used. According to Michael Bay, this greatly offended some of the Pearl Harbor survivors, who felt it dishonored the dead. Bay, however, pointed out to them that they destroyed all of the Japanese carriers later in the war, so an American carrier had to be used. He says that when he pointed this out, they agreed to the use of the American carrier.
Earned a place in the “Guinness Book of World Records” for the movie with the most explosives used.
The film has four pure CGI shots: the bomb falling toward the U.S.S. Arizona, two shots of the Arizona exploding as it jumps up in the water, and the two Japanese Mitsubishi A6M Zeroes’ pitching down towards Battleship Row.
In the camera shots during the Doolittle Raid, where it appears the actors are actually flying the planes, they actually are. No CG was used. Alec Baldwin, Josh Hartnett, and Ben Affleck were all given basic flight training, so they could handle the planes. To get the various shots of the actors in the pilot’s seat, the “real” pilot would simply pilot the plane to the desired destination and then the actor would take over while the camera crew moved alongside to get the shot. After this the real pilot would take over.
The total amount of money spent on production and promotion roughly equaled the amount of damage caused in the actual attack.
Jerry Bruckheimer and Michael Bay agreed to give up $4 million in salary, in return for a cut of the box-office, to get the budget down. The film’s stars also took a drop in salaries, in return for a cut of the box-office, for the same reason.
According to Michael Fassbender, this was the first film he ever auditioned for. He went for one of the leads.
The film’s premiere was held at Pearl Harbor, aboard the carrier U.S.S. John Stennis. Bleachers were set up on the flight deck, and the hangar bay was converted into a 1940s-style nightclub for the after party.
As of 2017, it’s the only film directed by Michael Bay to ever win an Oscar (for Best Sound Editing).
The production budget, $140 million, was, at the time, the largest ever given to a movie before filming started.
Awards – Winner for the Oscar for Best Sound Editing (Christopher Boyes, George Watters II, 2002)
Nominee for the Oscar for Best Music, Original Song (Diane Warren, 2002)
Nominee for the Oscar for Best Sound (Peter J. Devlin, Greg P. Russell, Kevin O’Connell, 2002)
Nominee for the Oscar for Best Effects, Visual Effects (Eric Brevig, John Frazier, Edward Hirsh, Ben Snow, 2002)
Nominee for the Razzie Award for Worst Actor of the Decade (Ben Affleck, 2010)
Nominee for the Razzie Award for Worst Picture (2002)
Nominee for the Razzie Award for Worst Actor (Ben Affleck, 2002)
Nominee for the Razzie Award for Worst Screen Couple (Ben Affleck, Kate Beckinsale, Josh Hartnett, 2002)
Nominee for the Razzie Award for Worst Remake or Sequel (2002)
Nominee for the Razzie Award for Worst Director (Michael Bay, 2002)
Nominee for the Razzie Award for Worst Screenplay (Randall Wallace, 2002)
There are times in BMT where we need to sit down and eat our broccoli. You’d think that would mean watching films that are kind of good (aren’t we aiming to watch the worst of the worst?) but really it’s the very bad films that aren’t just subjectively bad… but like… actually bad. Maybe they star Bill Cosby. Or perhaps they are spoof films (and not one of the few good ones). There are numerous flavors to these objectionable films and Bolero is one such film. Long considered one of the worst films of all time, you would think this would be primo, day-one type stuff for BMT. But like Blame it on Rio, it has a fatal flaw… it is gross. Like dirty old men ogling young women kind of gross. So we delayed, delayed, delayed. But you can only delay so long when a film is considered this bad. So here we are. Buckle up.
Bo Derek is a young woman just graduated from a prestigious college and thus able to inherit her considerable fortune. Now free to live as she wishes, she sets off with her best friend Catalina and her chauffeur Cotton to see the world (oh, that’s nice) and find a handsome rich man to give away her virginity to (uh oh). They first head off to Morocco where she meets a sheik, who seems like a nice candidate. However, just before they make love he overindulges and falls asleep. Immensely disappointed in the misadventure she insists they head to Spain. There she sees a handsome toreador, Angel, and decides he is an even better candidate. He has a GF and it’s implied he kind of sucks (and by that, I mean he’s kinda sorta maybe a bit of a sex criminal), but Bo Derek doesn’t care. She’s like ‘get outta my way’ and really very easily seduces him. Shortly thereafter, though, he is gored by a bull and to put it in medical terms: his dick broke. This broken dick situation is a real buzz kill for Bo Derek so she decides she gotta turn up the heat and fix his dick. This oddly involves her basically taking on his role in the relationship and becoming a toreador herself. Unsurprisingly, a bunch of this stuff doesn’t work cause it’s decidedly not sexy. After foiling the sheik’s attempt to kidnap her away from Angel, she returns and finally gets his mojo back. With his dick ailment cured, Angels and Bo Derek get married and that’s sweet as long as you don’t think about any of the other stuff in the movie. THE END.
This wasn’t nearly as unseemly as I thought it might be. Some aspects of the story definitely should be removed and never discussed again (looking at you, Paloma), but at its core the film is more about love than sex… and that’s not something I expected. The most unseemly aspect of the primary story is mostly that the sex scenes seem extraneous, which makes you think they were inserted for a particular, gross purpose. Which they were. Despite this, the film is quite bad. It’s boring and mostly just weird in how it presents the story to the audience. I like the supporting actors, but Bo Derek is not good. Basically whatever the Derek’s were up to wasn’t working, but the other non-Derek parts of the film were surprisingly fine. As for The Terror Within, I was impressed with how hard they tried in the end. The monster effects were pretty poor, which I would think would make it hard for the actors to take the film seriously, but they did. Kudos to them. That’s about all I can say though. Everything about it was mediocre to poor and there is only so much of that I can take before I lose interest.
Hot Take Clam Bake! I bet Angel’s dick worked the whole time. Literally Angel is mostly OK after the goring incident except these doctors specifically are like “his dick might not work.” You’re saying everything is working fine except just his dick. Just that one part of his body that also happens to be the plot of this film? How convenient. I bet the doctors were like “you gotta take it easy while you’re recovering.” and he was like “yo, docs, I got this lady and I can’t keep her off me… how about you just tell her my dick doesn’t work” and they were probably like good idea. But after they did that Bo Derek started doing all kinds of crazy stuff she thought was sexy (but he wasn’t into) like smoking cigars and battling bulls and he was so turned off that his dick started actually not working for non-medical reasons. It was an uphill battle from there. This is all leading to my spinoff film, Angel’s Dick: If It Ain’t Broke, Don’t Fix It. Hot Take Temperature: Desert Heat.
Patrick?
Patrick
‘Ello everyone! Bolero? More like Boler-oh-shit-this-movie-sucks! Amirite? There are a million things wrong about this movie, and most of them involve people behind the scenes being perverts. Let’s go!
This is a movie we had to do for BMT, because it is considered to genuinely be one of the worst films ever made.
At the same time this film is made by a director who twice divorced his wife to trade up for an underage (at least Bo Derek was) new wife. It is insanely gross. Both times the rumor seems to be that people surrounding John Derek were like “I’m going to call the cops if you do this” and then he went to Germany or Mexico to evade potential prosecution. Allegedly I guess. I’m just mostly repeating what I read on IMDb, you can read all about it there.
This film had producers who were like “John … John, listen. We need it to be more erotic. I know it is already X rated and your wife has sex scenes so insane that people are thinking they are unsimulated, but for real, we need it more erotic to really get people’s engines going.” Apparently he said no, but you can hardly tell, the movie is mostly sex scenes.
And the kicker? There are nude scenes involving a genuine 14 year old. What the fuck? How is this legal to watch in America? How did I watch this on a streaming service legally? You’ve soiled my brain John Derek goddamn you! At least Olivia d’Abo seems fairly open about the production and being seemingly completely on board with it.
Ana Obregón is funny and fun in the movie. To some degree so is George Kennedy. And once they get past the initial “I want to lose my virginity to a Sheik” storyline the idea of this horse riding savant falling in love with an unconventional bullfighter and nursing him back to health works to some degree at least.
Good Setting as a Character for Spain (Where?) for the bulk of the film. That’s about it. The film is closest to Bad, it is boring and disgusting once you think about all the shit that went into the production.
We decided to bring along one of George Kennedy’s 80s creature features The Terror Within. Honestly, also a pretty gross film. The creature feature aspect is interesting, and the actors are very into it. The monster looks like shit, but overall the effects and the set design are decent enough to be entertaining. The problem is there is a huge underlying storyline involving the monster specifically seeking out, kidnapping, and raping women, and then this demon seed maturing and becoming a monster in a matter of hours. You know … the terror within. This feels like the hook for an early 80s Stephen King book where you’d shake your head and wonder exactly how much cocaine he was doing at the time. In a movie it ends up making it less palatable and grimier than I would have liked. D I think, I wouldn’t ultimately recommend it to anyone because I wouldn’t be sure if they would really enjoy it.
Man, what a downer of a review. But you can check out the sequel Bolero 2: Toro Enojado. Cheerios,
Oh man. So I was bullfighting, right? And then I got gored right in the dick! Sucks right? What sucks even more though is that I also bopped my head and now can’t remember a thing. Do you remember what happened in Bolero?
Pop Quiz Hot Shot!
1) There is a specific type of person Bo Derek wants to lose her virginity to near the beginning of the film. Who?
2) But in the end it just isn’t the same as in the movies, so onto Spain! In Spain she quickly meets a sexy bullfighter. The only issue is the bullfighter already has a lover. Who?
3) What is the result of the bullfighters tragic accident?
4) But Bo Derek won’t leave her lover’s side. Instead she decides to have him teach her what?
5) In the end Bo Derek and the bullfighter get married and she takes over his family’s business in what?
Bonus Question: In the mid-credits scene we see Bo Derek and her lover in post-coital ecstasy. There is a knock at the door. Who is it and what does the person want?
Patrick and Kyle amble about the local Planetarium. The darkness makes it a perfect place to hide out. No fans mobbing him for Stallone’s autograph, no police asking him dumb questions about kidnapping. “This is nice, Mr. Stallone, but did you say we were here for a reason?” Patrick looks at him confused, “oh right… space and time… so like a wormhole?” He waits to see if that makes any sense. “That’s dumb, isn’t it?” Kyle nods. Patrick sits glumly on a bench and ponders his next move. If Jamie was here he’s sure they’d figure this out together. Instead he just has this dumb kid around. But just before he can tell Kyle how dumb he is a couple of fine looking ladies approach. “Excuse me, are you Sly Stallone?” they ask. Patrick nods, even though it’s not really true. “Oh my God!” one of them says, “I was just telling my friend that my only dream in the world is to have steamy sex with a big movie star like Sly Stallone.” Patrick is startled at their candor.
“It’s not about what we do. It’s about what you do?” Kyle tries to explain. “Imagine you are actually a bad guy who wants the Dongle, what would you do?” Jamie nods in understanding, “I would take it from you with my big muscles.” But when he looks at his shriveled 80-year-old arms he realizes that’s probably wrong. “No,” Kyle says exasperated, “you would say that you’re actually my long lost friend, right?” Jamie looks incredulous. “But I am your long lost friend.” Kyle throws up his hands in despair. Jamie sighs, if Patrick were here it wouldn’t be so hard. A panic overwhelms him. For the first time he wonders out loud, “But what if I’m Frank Stallone forever?”
That’s right! We’re finally watching Bolero, the Bo Derek film that pretty much ended her career as a feature film lead actress. We tend to avoid the non-thriller erotic films that Hollywood has churned out. But like Blame it on Rio, sometimes the idea is so bad you gotta do it. We are pairing it with another George Kennedy vehicle, The Terror Within, which looked like a fun post-apocalyptic horror film. Let’s go!
Bolero (1984) – BMeTric: 58.0; Notability: 21
StreetCreditReport.com –BMeTric: top 1.2%; Notability: top 10.8%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 0.0%; Higher BMeT: Supergirl, Rhinestone, The Hills Have Eyes Part II; Higher Notability: Cannonball Run II, Supergirl, City Heat, Protocol, Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo, The River, Unfaithfully Yours, Conan the Destroyer, The Woman in Red, Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter, Firstborn, Sheena, Rhinestone, American Dreamer, The Ice Pirates, Reckless, Exterminator 2, Firestarter, C.H.U.D., Breakin’, and 7 more; Notes: Oh yeah, that’s right, it’s a true blue 0% on Rotten Tomatoes film. And the BMeTric is solid to boot. That’s some cred.
RogerEbert.com – 0.5 stars – Let’s face it. Nobody is going to “Bolero” for the plot anyway. They’re going for the Good Parts. There are two Good Parts, not counting her naked ride on horseback, which was the only scene in the movie that had me wondering how she did it. The real future of “Bolero” is in home cassette rentals, where your fast forward and instant replay controls will supply the editing job the movie so desperately needs.
(Gross, but also true. Just saying it how it is Ebert. No one can fault you for that. And 0.5 is more than fair for this weirdo film.)
(Dares to be different. Dares to be daring. LOL. That is one way of saying this movie is undeniably terrible … but it is borderline porn, so there we go.)
Directors – John Derek – ( Known For: Tarzan the Ape Man; Ghosts Can’t Do It; Fantasies; Once Before I Die; Nightmare in the Sun; A Boy… a Girl; Childish Things; BMT: Bolero; Razzie Notes: Winner for Worst Director in 1985 for Bolero; and in 1991 for Ghosts Can’t Do It; Winner for Worst Screenplay for Bolero in 1985; Nominee for Worst Director for Tarzan the Ape Man in 1982; and Nominee for Worst Screenplay for Ghosts Can’t Do It in 1991; Notes: Yeah, so John Derek and Bo Derek met when she was seventeen and they moved to Germany and then Mexico in order to make sure he didn’t get arrested for statutory rape until Bo Derek turned eighteen.)
Writers – John Derek – ( Known For: Ghosts Can’t Do It; Fantasies; A Boy… a Girl; BMT: Bolero; Razzie Notes: Winner for Worst Director in 1985 for Bolero; and in 1991 for Ghosts Can’t Do It; Winner for Worst Screenplay for Bolero in 1985; Nominee for Worst Director for Tarzan the Ape Man in 1982; and Nominee for Worst Screenplay for Ghosts Can’t Do It in 1991; Notes: Was an actor mostly, including appearing in The Ten Commandments. He wrote and directed later in life.)
Actors – Bo Derek – ( Known For: Tommy Boy; 10; Tarzan the Ape Man; Orca; Ghosts Can’t Do It; Woman of Desire; Fantasies; 5 Weddings; People Cover Story: Bachelorette Baby Boom; Highland Park; Frozen with Fear; Sognando la California; Future BMT: Malibu’s Most Wanted; BMT: The Master of Disguise; Bolero; A Change of Seasons; Razzie Notes: Winner for Worst Actress in 1982 for Mommie Dearest, and Tarzan the Ape Man; in 1985 for Bolero; and in 1991 for Ghosts Can’t Do It; Winner for Worst Actress of the Decade in 1990 for Bolero, and Tarzan the Ape Man; Nominee for Worst Supporting Actress in 1996 for Tommy Boy; and in 2003 for The Master of Disguise; Nominee for Worst Actress of the Century in 2000 for Bolero, Ghosts Can’t Do It, and Tarzan the Ape Man; and Nominee for Worst Picture of the Decade for Bolero in 1990; Notes: Was notably older than her step children when she met and married John Derek. She mostly acted in her husband’s productions early in her career.)
George Kennedy – ( Known For: The Naked Gun: From the Files of Police Squad!; The Dirty Dozen; Cool Hand Luke; Small Soldiers; Death on the Nile; Charade; The Flight of the Phoenix; The Eiger Sanction; Naked Gun 33 1/3: The Final Insult; Thunderbolt and Lightfoot; The Naked Gun 2½: The Smell of Fear; The Gambler; Earthquake; Hush…Hush, Sweet Charlotte; Shenandoah; In Harm’s Way; Airport; Airport ’77; The Boston Strangler; Airport 1975; Future BMT: Creepshow 2; The Delta Force; View from the Top; BMT: Bolero; Razzie Notes: Nominee for Worst Supporting Actor for Bolero in 1985; Notes: Won an Oscar for Cool Hand Luke for Supporting Actor. He then became a pretty big B-movie actor in the 80s in things like Hired to Kill and Brain Dead.)
Andrea Occhipinti – ( Known For: The Sea Inside; The New York Ripper; Miranda; Conquest; A Blade in the Dark; The Family; Priest of Love; Más allá del jardín; Control; The Jeweller’s Shop; Amor de hombre; Who Killed Pasolini?; Queens; Horses; Tracce di vita amorosa; Preferisco il rumore del mare; BMT: Bolero; Razzie Notes: Nominee for Worst New Star for Bolero in 1985; Notes: Is Italian, although in this film he plays a Spanish person.)
Budget/Gross – $7 million / Domestic: $8,914,881 (Worldwide: $8,914,881)
(That’s not awesome, but again, I’m pretty skeptical of the budget. Also while early, it almost certainly made money eventually on home video or late-night cable packages.)
Rotten Tomatoes – 0% (0/23): Bolero combines a ludicrous storyline and wildly mismatched cast in its desperate attempts to titillate, but only succeeds in arousing boredom.
(That is a ton of reviews to still have 0%. And not surprising after watching this film. It is insanely weird, boring, and bad.)
Reviewer Highlight: Poor Bo no sooner has her initial introduction to amour than the new lover gets gored in a sensitive location, putting him out of commission. – Variety
(I’m not sure what to say about this. It’s abstract and artsy in a way I can’t understand. Maybe I’m not creative enough. Just seems like a jumble of pictures that wishes it could just show you a naked lady on a horse. I like the font a lot though. The pink pops. C-.)
Tagline(s) – An Adventure in Ecstasy (C)
(It’s not lying. It’s also not all that interesting. Although, I’ll have to study the film very closely to make sure that’s true.)
Keyword(s) – past
Top 10: The Shawshank Redemption (1994), Forrest Gump (1994), The Dark Knight Rises (2012), Django Unchained (2012), Gladiator (2000), Inglourious Basterds (2009), Saving Private Ryan (1998), Schindler’s List (1993), The Prestige (2006), Shutter Island (2010)
Future BMT: 88.7 BloodRayne (2005), 73.0 The Unborn (2009), 70.4 Texas Chainsaw (2013), 70.2 Black Christmas (2006), 69.9 Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III (1993), 65.9 The Woman in Black 2: Angel of Death (2014), 64.6 The Final Destination (2009), 62.1 The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor (2008), 59.8 Exorcist: The Beginning (2004), 56.8 Robin Hood (2018), 55.1 Annabelle (2014), 54.9 The Quiet Ones (2014), 54.5 Snow Dogs (2002), 53.8 Spy Hard (1996), 53.1 Porky’s Revenge (1985), 52.4 2016: Obama’s America (2012), 52.1 Radhe Shyam (2022), 51.6 Porky’s II: The Next Day (1983), 50.2 The Last Legion (2007), 50.1 Halloween Kills (2021) … (and many more)
BMT: Epic Movie (2007), Superman IV: The Quest for Peace (1987), The Fog (2005), Movie 43 (2013), Super Mario Bros. (1993), Glitter (2001), Holmes & Watson (2018), The Master of Disguise (2002), The Legend of Hercules (2014), Grease 2 (1982), The Bye Bye Man (2017), Jonah Hex (2010), Freddy’s Dead: The Final Nightmare (1991), Wild Wild West (1999), Highlander: The Final Dimension (1994), The Ridiculous 6 (2015), Highlander: Endgame (2000), Black Knight (2001), Chernobyl Diaries (2012), A Nightmare on Elm Street 5: The Dream Child (1989), Cool World (1992), The Musketeer (2001), An American Haunting (2005), Apollo 18 (2011), Ishtar (1987), The Curse of La Llorona (2019), The Nun (2018), Pinocchio (2002), Hellraiser: Bloodline (1996), Bolero (1984), Bones (2001), Shanghai Surprise (1986), Return to the Blue Lagoon (1991), House of Wax (2005), Season of the Witch (2011), The Tuxedo (2002), Mannequin: On the Move (1991), Pompeii (2014), Ghost Ship (2002), Assassin’s Creed (2016), The Scarlet Letter (1995), Dolittle (2020), Timeline (2003), The Quest (1996), X-Men: Dark Phoenix (2019), Wagons East (1994), The Three Musketeers (2011), Diana (2013), Ben-Hur (2016), Rambo III (1988), Around the World in 80 Days (2004), The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning (2006), The Blue Lagoon (1980), Cutthroat Island (1995), Texas Rangers (2001), Sucker Punch (2011), Captain Corelli’s Mandolin (2001), Jobs (2013), Dirty Dancing: Havana Nights (2004), Friday the 13th Part 2 (1981), Original Sin (2001), Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters (2013), American Outlaws (2001), Universal Soldier (1992), Winter’s Tale (2014), Harlem Nights (1989), I Dreamed of Africa (2000), The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (2003), The Identical (2014), The Chamber (1996), The Marrying Man (1991), Wild Bill (1995), In Love and War (1996), Sleepaway Camp (1983), Gods and Generals (2003), The Lone Ranger (2013), X-Men Origins: Wolverine (2009), Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales (2017), Rambo: First Blood Part II (1985), Halloween II (1981), September Dawn (2007), Young Guns II (1990), Oscar (1991), Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides (2011), Evening (2007), The 13th Warrior (1999), White Comanche (1968), Gangster Squad (2013), Now and Then (1995), A Dog’s Purpose (2017)
Best Options (Romance):58.0 Bolero (1984), 52.1 Radhe Shyam (2022), 47.3 Bad Girls (1994), 37.9 Nine (2009), 36.7 The Legend of Zorro (2005), 32.3 Mary Reilly (1996), 32.2 All the Pretty Horses (2000), 27.3 The Bride (1985), 23.3 Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein (1994), 23.3 Tulip Fever (2017), 22.6 A Night in the Life of Jimmy Reardon (1988), 20.6 Havana (1990), 20.6 Year of the Gun (1991), 18.7 Love in the Time of Cholera (2007), 16.7 Inventing the Abbotts (1997), 14.5 Mrs. Soffel (1984), 13.0 Corrina, Corrina (1994), 13.0 Heartbreak Hotel (1988), 12.0 Great Expectations (1998), 11.9 Tristan + Isolde (2006), 9.9 Snow Falling on Cedars (1999), 9.3 Stealing Home (1988), 9.0 The Longest Ride (2015), 8.6 Bobby Jones: Stroke of Genius (2004), 6.5 The Phantom of the Opera (2004), 5.9 Heaven Help Us (1985), 5.4 Memoirs of a Geisha (2005)
(We finally did it! We finally did Bolero. And there it was, just sitting there waiting for us to do it as the top option for a romance set in the past. How could we skip it? Not a chance.)
Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 20) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Bo Derek is No. 1 billed in Bolero and No. 3 billed in A Change of Seasons, which also stars Shirley MacLaine (No. 1 billed) who is in Mrs. Winterbourne (No. 1 billed) which also stars Brendan Fraser (No. 3 billed) who is in Escape from Planet Earth (No. 1 billed) which also stars Jessica Alba (No. 2 billed) who is in Mechanic: Resurrection (No. 2 billed) which also stars Jason Statham (No. 1 billed) who is in In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale (No. 1 billed) which also stars Leelee Sobieski (No. 3 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 1 billed) => (1 + 3) + (1 + 1) + (3 + 1) + (2 + 2) + (1 + 1) + (3 + 1) = 20. If we were to watch The Big Green, and Surrender we can get the HoE Number down to 18.
Notes – Olivia d’Abo, who was 14 at the time, appeared nude in several scenes.
Olivia D’Abo said in an interview in 1986 that she matured physically at age 13, a year before making this movie. In fact she said director John Derek thought she had breast implants until she took her clothes off on set the first time and he saw her breasts were natural.
This film was the final nail in the coffin of The Cannon Group, Inc. and Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer deal that saw MGM distribute all of Cannon’s films in the U.S.
Rather than allow the film to be released with an X-rating, John Derek chose to release the film unrated instead. According to Wikipedia, “Bolero (1984) was released with no MPAA rating. Its nudity and sexual content disqualified it from an R rating. At the time of release, the NC-17 rating had not yet been established and the only higher rating being X, John Derek decided to release the film unrated. The film is officially on DVD with an R rating with no cuts.”
It was widely rumored in the media at the time of the film’s release that the final love scene wasn’t simulated.
For the horseback bullfighting scenes, the stars were doubled by brothers Ángel Peralta (Derek) and Rafael Peralta (Occhipinti).
According to Bo Derek, producer Menahem Golan would send her and John Derek memos to make the film more “erotic”. Derek would state that the film “was already erotic” enough.
Penultimate movie directed by John Derek. Ghosts Can’t Do It (1989) was his last.
According to Menahem Golan, the home video rights sold for $1.5 million.
Reportedly, writer and director John Derek had contractual final cut say rights over the picture.
Awards – Nominee for the Razzie Award for Worst Picture of the Decade (Bo Derek, 1990)
Winner for the Razzie Award for Worst Picture (Bo Derek, 1985)
Winner for the Razzie Award for Worst Actress (Bo Derek, 1985)
Winner for the Razzie Award for Worst Director (John Derek, 1985)
Winner for the Razzie Award for Worst Screenplay (John Derek, 1985)
Winner for the Razzie Award for Worst Musical Score (Peter Bernstein, Elmer Bernstein, 1985)
Winner for the Razzie Award for Worst New Star (Olivia d’Abo, 1985)
Nominee for the Razzie Award for Worst Supporting Actor (George Kennedy, 1985)
Nominee for the Razzie Award for Worst Supporting Actress (Olivia d’Abo, 1985)
Nominee for the Razzie Award for Worst New Star (Andrea Occhipinti, 1985)
Ooooooooh baby. BMT Live! This is the year that it’s back, baby. What better way to celebrate than to really mix it up. See some schlock, but also throw in an Oscar contender that maybe reached just far enough off track to qualify for BMT. That’s Don’t Worry Darling. Full disclosure, I was actually already looking forward to the movie. Pugh is one of my favorite young actors. Best part of both the good and bad films I’ve seen her in. I also thought the drama potentially was putting it in a no-win position. That it could be fun and well made, but still falter with critics because it wasn’t good enough to overcome the headache they had to endure while following its press tour. So I was really coming in with an open mind and pretty excited that we could include a film in BMT that I was probably going to go see anyway.
To summarize, Florence Pugh and Harry Styles are two very beautiful people living a utopian 50’s lifestyle sexing each other up like sexy people do. They live in a company town run by Victory headed by Chris Pine (also sexy). There are a lot of rules, the biggest one is that no unauthorized person is allowed to go to Headquarters. One day at a party everyone is minding their own business being sexy when one of their friends, Margaret, starts to freak out. Shortly thereafter, while riding the trolley, Pugh sees a plane crash in the mountains and runs out after it, eventually ending up at HQ. She touches the building there and blacks out, waking up back at her house. Her brain seems to go on the fritz following that event culminating in her witnessing Margaret slit her own throat and jump from her roof. Decidedly unsexy stuff. The town doctor (an unusually unsexy man) attempts to drug her, but Pugh resists and at a real bizarre party where Harry Styles gets a promotion and then dances like a maniac for like an hour, she confronts her friend Bunny who tells her to shut her sexy mouth. The climax of the film has Pugh realizing that she’s actually stuck in a VR world created by Pine, which Styles has purchased. Every day Styles wakes up and takes care of her body while her mind continues to live out her day. Horrified, she kills Styles and makes a break for HQ. She is able to make it just in time to break out of the simulation. THE END.
As I said, I was already interested in seeing this film. So I came in ready to be like “this isn’t as bad as all these dumb reviewers said!” Welllll, I mean I guess that’s technically true. I think Pugh is amazing and the visuals are very pleasing. I even think Styles is a lot better than people are making it seem. Is he miscast? Sure, I certainly think it would have been better with LaBeouf, who would have had a better sense of how to play the character (who is a loser pretending to be a winner in a simulation). But his hilarious (and I mean bonkers hilarious) dance scene is enough for me to give him some credit. So all that alone seems better than BMT qualification. That said I hated the twist and thought the whole simulation angle was pretty ridiculous and cliche. So basically change everything about the last third and it’s probably a pretty good movie. As it is, it’s a decidedly mediocre film with some really great performances.
Hot Take Clam Bake! Are we sure the simulation is bad? Hear me out. Obviously the specific situation that Pugh is in is horrible, but think about this: Styles is a giant loser. Like a super huge loser. And yet on whatever loser salary he can earn he is able to earn the pleasure for two people to enjoy what seems like a pretty sexy simulation life. You could have a lovely couple work half as hard as giant loser Styles, finish up their days, smooch, take care of their own bodily functions like normal couple do and then drop into their creepy Clockwork Orange bed and enjoy sexy food, sexy drink, and sexy sex in the sexy 50’s world they have at their fingertips. It’s good. That’s probably why Pine is killed by his wife at the end out of nowhere. She probably was like, “this idiot is running a genius simulation into the ground by marketing exclusively to giant losers!” She probably programmed all of it and is horrified by his poor job as CEO and so has to kill him. Hot Take Temperature: Lemon Pepper. Patrick?
Patrick
‘Ello everyone! Don’t Worry Darling? I think I will worry thank you very much, but exclusively about the production troubles of this film. Let’s go!
This movie obviously has not only a kernel of something good in it, it has the kernel of something great. Like 60% of this film is great.
It is totally let down by the end though. The biggest crime isn’t even the weirdo twist that Harry Styles sucks and has forced his wife into a simulation against her will. That is just a pretty generic (and easily predicted) twist. The biggest issue is just like … why does the wife kill Chris Pine again? It seems totally unmotivated. As if they didn’t know quite how to end the movie after the reveal and so they had to figure out some reason for Pugh to truly extract herself from the situation without begging for a sequel to resolve this loose thread concerning Pine’s company and world crashing down around him.
It begs the question so hard that my mind can’t even really wrap itself around the full picture of the film after seeing it. I can’t square the circle. There is basically no indication of any sort of motivation for the wife to kill Pine. No friction. No concern over the direction of the company. Nothing about her being a victim in the affair as well (although that is the easiest explanation). If you cut out just that bit I think I could psych myself into liking the film quite a lot. With that bit though I can’t help but admit that it is, at best, merely a below average thriller with uninteresting sci-fi ideas.
Pugh is incredible in this film, and it is a bit sad that it will probably go unrecognized.
And Wilde’s direction is at worst fine, at best quite good. There are some reviews which suggest it is something amateurish or something? I don’t buy it. The set design and way it is shot is solid.
Worst Twist (How?) is all I got for this one, for the sci-fi reveal of Styles having trapped his wife in a simulation where he gets to live out his dream of not being a huge loser. Closest to Good easily, really just a step away from it.
Live Theater review time. I think this is the first ever BMT Live where both Jamie and I were in the same theater. I think he would agree that the AMC Framingham is quite good. I really have very very little complaints having gone there now probably a dozen times. It is so much better than most other theater experiences I’ve had over the years for BMT that it is kind of boring even to review it. It is a solid theater, with comfy seats, and I rarely experience problems with people talking and junk. It’s good.
I’ll leave it there. Check out the description of the sequel Keep on Not Worrying Darling in the Quiz. Cheerios,
Oh man, so here’s the thing. I live in a simulation which I’ve also forced my wife into. Well, she figured it out and got real mad and bopped me right on the head! I’m bleeding profusely. I think I have brain damage. Do you remember what happened in Don’t Worry Darling?
Pop Quiz Hot Shot!
1) A big plot point in the film is that another woman living in this creepy neo-Stepford is going a bit cuckoo. What does she claim happened to her?
2) And uh-oh, our heroine Pugh is also going a bit crazy. What does she see in the desert that leads her to HQ?
3) At the big dinner party scene there is one clinching piece of information that Pugh reveals to her friends which suggests they are all living in a simulation. What is that piece of information?
4) Before escaping, Pugh tries to get her friend Olivia Wilde to come with her, but Wilde refuses. Why?
5) Outside in the real world it is shown that Pugh is trapped by her husband in the simulation. What is Pugh’s job in the real world?
Bonus Question: In the mid-credits scene we see Pugh wake up next to her husband. From the darkness a voice is heard. Who is it?
Kyle sits in his study tapping his chin, deep in thought. It’s been over four years since the disappearance of the Bad Movie Twins. He opens his desk drawer to take a glance at the Dongle. It’s sat there untouched since that day. Jamie and Patrick spent every day of their lives trying to make sure it never fell into the wrong hands, yet he’s done nothing and nobody seems to care. Not a suspicious knock at his door, not a Predator, Demon box, or even Scott Bakula showing up on his doorstep. It’s been downright pleasant. “You looking at it again?” Rachel asks from the doorway. Kyle closes it quickly and smiles. “Yeah, I just… I don’t know what to do with it,” he says with a sad note in his voice, “I wish they were back so they could take it off my hands.” Rachel squeezes his shoulder and shakes her head. “No,” she says, “you just wish they were back.” It’s true. His life is great. Great wife, great kids, great house, and a hit Sexy Mannequin centric website that has taken him around the world. But every time he looks in that drawer he can’t help but think he failed them. “You didn’t fail them,” Rachel says firmly, “you’ll get them back. And if you don’t, it’s because they didn’t want to be found. It seems like it’s safer in your hands than it was in theirs.” Kyle nods. “Safer in our hands,” he corrects with a smile. And it’s true, but he’d never say it himself. He opens the drawer a crack one more time and steals a glance. After shutting it he promises he’ll never look at it again and this time he’ll keep that promise. “Don’t worry darling,” Rachel says… and he doesn’t. That’s right! We’re taking a little interlude for a classic BMT Live! Sometimes you gotta jump on the chance to see something even if it qualifies by the skin of its teeth. Don’t Worry Darling has had such a tumultuous press tour that it transformed from Oscar contender to BMT hopeful before our eyes. I’m excited. Let’s go!
StreetCreditReport.com –BMeTric: top 11.2%; Notability: top 3.6%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 22.1%; Higher BMeT: Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Brazen, The Bubble, Moonfall, Firestarter, They/Them, Blacklight, Morbius, Me Time, Pinocchio, Spiderhead, Deep Water, Umma, Senior Year, The 355, Jurassic World Dominion, The Invitation, White Elephant, Samaritan, Memory, and 8 more; Higher Notability: Jurassic World Dominion, Pinocchio, Morbius, Amsterdam, The Bubble, Moonfall, Deep Water, The Man from Toronto, Spiderhead; Lower RT: After Ever Happy, Me Time, Blacklight, Firestarter, Brazen, White Elephant, Morbius, Paradise Highway, Home Team, The Bubble, The Man from Toronto, Senior Year, Murder at Yellowstone City, The 355, The Invitation, Pinocchio, Memory, Black Site, Alice, Jurassic World Dominion, and 11 more; Notes: The numbers will be a bit weird since it just came out. Notability is where it shines I suppose, which makes sense.
RogerEbert.com – 2.0 stars – The craft on display is impeccable, though, from the gleaming cinematography from Matthew Libatique (Darren Aronofsky’s usual collaborator) to the flawless production design from Katie Byron to the to-die-for costumes from Arianne Phillips. The excellent work of all those behind-the-scenes folks and others at least makes “Don’t Worry Darling” consistently watchable, all the way up to its non-ending of an ending. Let’s just say you’ll have questions afterward, and those post-movie conversations will probably be more thoughtful and stimulating than the movie itself.
(I basically agree with this review. It is very very competently made. But the ending is pretty silly and leaves more mostly dumb questions than actually interesting questions. But it also probably doesn’t end up here if not for the multiple controversies surrounding the production.)
(It is a great trailer. Every time I saw it I figured this was going to be at the very worst a decent Oscar contender for some of the people involved. Alas, it probably misses. The only one I could imagine now is Pugh, but that is probably not in the cards because of her refusal to promote the film.)
Directors – Olivia Wilde – ( Known For: Booksmart; BMT: Don’t Worry Darling; Notes: Booksmart is awesome, and as an actress I always thought she was great (shoutout to The O.C.). Too bad this is her sophomore effort. Yeah … she publicly got served divorce papers while promoting this film and was dating Harry Styles while separated I think. That and having Shia LeBeouf quit and calling Pugh “Miss Flo” was part of the controversy surrounding the film.)
Writers – Katie Silberman – ( Known For: Booksmart; Set It Up; Isn’t It Romantic; BMT: Don’t Worry Darling; Notes: Seems to be making a career on making films that parody genres or turn them on their head. In a way this could have been no different, a take on The Stepford Wives, but seems to have fallen short.)
Carey Van Dyke and Shane Van Dyke – ( Known For: The Silence; BMT: Don’t Worry Darling; Chernobyl Diaries; Notes: Chernobyl Diaries to this? That is a bizarre trajectory. Oh and yeah, they are the grandsons of Dick Van Dyke.)
Actors – Florence Pugh – ( Known For: Midsommar; Little Women; Black Widow; The Wonder; Fighting with My Family; Outlaw King; Lady Macbeth; The Commuter; Malevolent; The Falling; BMT: Don’t Worry Darling; Notes: Her career is amazing. MCU, indie horror, indie adaptation of a beloved novel. Honestly a bit sad to see this as her first BMT. It is so borderline that without the drama it probably wouldn’t have qualified at all.)
Harry Styles – ( Known For: My Policeman; Eternals; Dunkirk; BMT: Don’t Worry Darling; Notes: Yeah, he’s really trying the acting thing. He is obviously famous as a singer, both solo and as part of One Direction, but he has been slowly building up his parts in real films. Yeah … he started dating Olivia Wilde during filming, and then possibly spit on Chris Pine during an awards ceremony. That about sums up the controversy surrounding the film.)
Chris Pine – ( Known For: All the Old Knives; Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse; Wonder Woman; The Contractor; Star Trek; Star Trek Beyond; Wonder Woman 1984; Hell or High Water; Outlaw King; Unstoppable; Into the Woods; Star Trek Into Darkness; Jack Ryan: Shadow Recruit; A Wrinkle in Time; The Finest Hours; Rise of the Guardians; Carriers; Bottle Shock; Z for Zachariah; People Like Us; Future BMT: The Princess Diaries 2: Royal Engagement; Smokin’ Aces; Horrible Bosses 2; Just My Luck; BMT: Don’t Worry Darling; This Means War; Notes: Chris Pine is great, although All the Old Knives? Not great, I watched that a few months ago. He felt like he was disappearing a bit recently. I do really hope he can get another Star Trek cooking at some point.)
Budget/Gross – $35 million / Domestic: $44,344,233 (Worldwide: $83,044,233)
(This is fine in the end. I think it certainly made up the budget. They were probably going for a $100 million worldwide take (something like $50 domestic), but it didn’t miss too badly.)
Rotten Tomatoes – 38% (120/315): Despite an intriguing array of talent on either side of the camera, Don’t Worry Darling is a mostly muddled rehash of overly familiar themes.
(Juuuuuust barely. It is almost a certainty without the controversy it would be sitting somewhere closer to 50%, which is where I think it would fairly sit in the end as well.)
Reviewer Highlight: A cheap parlor trick…Pugh gives her all to even the weakest scenes, but leading man Styles struggles to keep up. – Richard Roeper, Chicago Sun-Times
(This is my least favorite style of poster. Too old school. Never has a good color scheme. Font is terrible… but this is also how you sell your movie. Pugh is beautiful. Styles gets the ladies going. Everyone is rolling into the theater to see whatever that poster is promising. I grade that an SS… as in Sex Sells.)
Tagline(s) – Are you ready to live the life you deserve? (D+)
(Eeehhhhh. I don’t like that. I’m actually a little confused as to how it pertains to the actual movie. I mean, that’s not really the plot of the movie, before or after the twist. But that’s not the crime. The crime is that it’s boring.)
Keyword(s) – Year 2022
Top 10: The Batman (2022), The Kashmir Files (2022), Doctor Strange in the Multiverse of Madness (2022), Top Gun: Maverick (2022), Thor: Love and Thunder (2022), Everything Everywhere All at Once (2022), The Adam Project (2022), Uncharted (2022), The Northman (2022), The Gray Man (2022)
Future BMT: 62.2 Firestarter (2022), 61.8 Blacklight (2022), 52.0 Radhe Shyam (2022), 47.8 Umma (2022), 45.5 The 355 (2022), 44.2 Jurassic World Dominion (2022), 43.2 The Invitation (2022), 39.3 Memory (2022), 37.2 After Ever Happy (2022), 33.6 The King’s Daughter (2022), 7.1 Where the Crawdads Sing (2022)
(Decent haul this year, 14 films so far. Still far from the typical 30ish films we’d hope for as a minimum, but still better than we’d expect. The plot is useless because it is just a bit bar at 2022 and that’s it.)
Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 22) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Chris Pine is No. 3 billed in Don’t Worry Darling and No. 2 billed in This Means War, which also stars Reese Witherspoon (No. 1 billed) who is in Devil’s Knot (No. 1 billed) which also stars Bruce Greenwood (No. 9 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 6 billed) => (3 + 2) + (1 + 1) + (9 + 6) = 22. If we were to watch Legally Blonde 2: Red, White & Blonde we can get the HoE Number down to 16.
Notes – The hilltop headquarters of the Victory Corporation is the iconic “volcano house” in the Mojave Desert community of Newberry Springs, California. The house was owned by PBS television personality Huell Howser, who donated the house to Chapman University in 2012 shortly before his death.
Olivia Wilde originally wanted to play the lead role but decided to cast Florence Pugh after seeing her in Midsommar (2019).
Frank, the Victory Project’s leader, is shown living in Kaufmann House, one of the most well-known mid-century homes in the world. Although the Kaufmann House’s exterior has been shown at various times over the years in both film and TV, “Don’t Worry Darling” is the first film to feature scenes shot on the property itself, including several peeks at its rarely seen interiors.
While introducing the trailer to an audience at CinemaCon in April 2022, Olivia Wilde was angered when she was interrupted on stage by a process server handing her custody papers from her ex-fiancé Jason Sudeikis. Sudeikis responded later that he had no idea that was going to happen and said he’d never have condoned it being served in “such an inappropriate manner.”
Although the film is set in a place described only as “Victory Town” onscreen, it’s very clearly set – and its exteriors were filmed – in Palm Springs, California, from which most of its interior design is directly derived. The city has one of the largest caches of mid-century-modern (MCM) architecture & design in the world, and nearby every single visual element in the film draws heavily from the MCM aesthetic.
Reports of conflicts among the cast circulated the media for weeks leading up to the film’s premiere. Shia LaBeouf was originally cast as Jack but was replaced with Harry Styles in September 2020, one month before filming began. LaBeouf’s departure was first attributed to a scheduling conflict, but Variety reported in December that he was fired due to poor behavior and frequent clashes with Olivia Wilde and the cast, pointing out Wilde’s “zero asshole policy” and LaBeouf’s reputation for being difficult to work with. The controversy was revived in August 2022, when Wilde said in a Variety interview that LaBeouf’s process and style were too combative for the production while still wishing him well. LaBeouf then disputed the reports that he was fired, claiming that he quit despite Wilde’s efforts to keep him on. A video message in which Wilde asks LaBeouf not to quit the film while alluding to conflicts with Florence Pugh was leaked online. Rumors of tension between Wilde and Pugh were exacerbated after The Wrap reported that Pugh would not participate in the film’s press tour due to her commitments filming Dune: Part Two (2023).
In the script Bunny was present in the dinner table scene, but Olivia Wilde removed her character from the scene so she could direct from behind the camera.
This film’s script first appeared on the 2019 Black List. Olivia Wilde’s previous film Booksmart (2019) was also a Black List script.
Harry Styles and Olivia Wilde reportedly started dating while working on this film.
There are some genres that have oversized importance in BMT. Exorcism movies, for example. I feel like we’ve watched like 1000 exorcism movies and they are all basically the same. Like some woman is in an insane asylum and the doctors are all like “she’s been here for thirty years and all she draws is this dumb picture over and over and she never talks.” Then our main character walks in and she starts singing like Ring Around the Rosie in a child-like voice before screaming with sharp demon teeth and lunging at the main character… that’s a general picture of all of those movies. They are some of the worst films we’ve ever watched. Then there are some significant genres that for whatever reason it seems like we’ve only ever dipped our toe. Found footage feels a little like that. Never even seen a Paranormal Activity film, so some real big ones are missing. So of course we decided to do a very minor (and very weird) entry in the genre with Apollo 18.
To summarize, my gawd! Someone just posted some secret footage on lunartruth.com. And boy howdy, you won’t even believe it. It’s all this stuff about a super duper secret Apollo 18 moon mission run by the government. The astronauts are psyched and agree not to tell their families and off they go to space. Everything seems to go well. Walker and Grey get to go to the surface and have some moon fun with their moon friends until, wait… what’s that? They find a Soviet moon lander. But the Soviets didn’t land on the moon. WRONG! They did and they died. Meanwhile the astronauts have also collected all these moon rocks and didn’t they put those rocks in one place? So why are they in a different place?!?!?!?! Spooky. They prepare to leave the moon cause it’s too scary but on launch the module is damaged by an unknown force. When they try to go out and fix things, Walker is attacked and we see an alien in his suit. By the time Grey is able to get him back inside he finds that he has a moon rock embedded in his chest. Walker begins to act very strange and is clearly a moon alien person, but Grey won’t give up on him and tries to get him to the Soviet lander as it’s their only chance. On the way to the lander Walker realizes he can’t go back and infect Earth so he runs off and Grey goes on to the lander by himself. He is just able to take off, but before he gets to the command module he is infected by the aliens and they all crash and die. THE END.
I am bewildered by the existence of this film. It feels like a SyFy original or something. I’m not even sure it would make it on some of the streamers nowadays and appears to only exist because there was a very brief moment where the demand for found footage was so high that supply couldn’t keep up. They had to figure out everything and anything that could theoretically be a found footage film. Its biggest crime is that there is never a single solitary scary moment in the entire 86 minute runtime. Not only is it not scary because all the events took place 50 years ago on the moon (not feeling the existential threat in that), but also because they actively appear to not want to do anything scary. It’s mostly just a couple of old timey pals saying “aw shucks” in a lunar module. I guess I appreciate it because it’s a supremely weird film, and I kinda dug some of the acting, but that doesn’t make up for this being barely a movie. Feels almost like a viral marketing campaign for a movie that never came out. Like during the credits it would say “JK, that actual movie is coming out next year. Hope you enjoyed the trailer.” As for The Dark Side of the Moon, it certainly fit nicely with Apollo 18. I liked the effort put forth and the more bizarre aspects of the plot (mostly concerning the Bermuda Triangle and an advanced AI computer system that was made to look like a sexy lady… odd). Works best just like it is: a low budget science fiction oddity that you can throw on late at night for some fun. Pretty much what we are looking for.
Hot Take Clam Bake! Lunartruth.com is a government website. It’s a set up. A government conspiracy to leak the Apollo 18 info and then be all like “whaaaa?” We see at the end of the film that the lunar module crashes into the command module. The footage was on these modules. So how did that footage get found? There must have been an Apollo 19 (spooky!) that set out just to collect the footage (scary!). Then Apollo 20 set out to collect the debris left behind by that mission after it was overrun with moon rock aliens and exploded. Apollo 21 set out to help Apollo 20, which found they didn’t have the power to lug all that back to Earth. Apollo 22 was set up to analyze the debris in space, once they realized they couldn’t let Apollo 20 or 21 return for fear of infection (they all died of hunger). Apollo 23-32 were sent up to supplement the analysis until Apollo 33 was sent to destroy all the previous Apollo’s, turn them into space dust, and then return with the pertinent info. Once back home they locked the footage away, killed the Apollo 33 astronauts and said they all died testing out weather balloons. Years later when some people started sniffing around the much scarier events surrounding Apollo 34 (you don’t wanna know, it’s too scary), the government decided to release the decidedly unscary Apollo 18 details in order to muddy the waters. Hot Take Temperature: Blazin’. Patrick?
Patrick
‘Ello everyone! Apollo 18? More like Appalling 18! Amirite?! Oh, good, my favorite horror genre. Found footage. Let’s go!
Oh you piece of trash genre. You are the genre that keeps on taking. Taking hours from my life, and money from my pocket. Begone trash genre! BEGONE!
Sorry, just had to get that out of my system. This isn’t the worst the genre has to offer but it is pretty bad. Below average for sure. Because …
It isn’t scary.
It makes no sense.
You know everyone is going to die and you don’t care.
To start from the top: I was not scared once during this film. This is a problem because it is a horror film. This is self-explanatory.
This movie is nonsensical. You’re telling me that the Russians landed on the moon and the dark side of the moon is filled with rock spiders? That’s the conspiracy here. That for 50 years no one has figured out that there is life on the moon and that that life is rock spiders and the Russians landed on the moon at one point? Give me a break.
Which immediately points to the fact that obviously everyone is going to die in the film, because … then we’d all know about the rock spiders right? And the Russian thing? There is no way they could come back. A little deflating that.
Funny, that isn’t even the biggest crime of the film. The biggest crime is that they made a fake conspiracy website as an advertising mechanism and then IN THE MOVIE they pretend the movie was posted on that website. Thanks, I hate it.
I’m going to give it a resounding Setting as a Character (Where?) for the moon. That’s a rare one. And it is also a Secret Holiday Film (When?) because the launch is specifically right around Christmas, they say so. And of course a Worst Twist (How?) for the ultimate reveal that the dark side of the moon is filled with rock spiders which take over your body and kill you somehow. This is a BMT film through and through.
To go with Apollo 18 we obviously needed to find another film, set in the future, featuring the dark side of the moon. What’s this, there is a film literally called The Dark Side of the Moon?! How convenient. This movie is pretty bizarre. It is about a group of astronauts traveling behind the moon who suddenly lose power. At the same time a very old shuttle from NASA floats up and they’re like “what thuuuuuuuu?!” Ultimately it turns out that the pilot of the shuttle is the devil himself (not joking) who is gearing up to finally get his 666th victim (how inconvenient). Oh, did I mention that Satan lives in the triangular region that stretches between the dark side of the moon and the Bermuda Triangle? Yeah, the Bermuda Triangle is quite literally the devil’s playground. Anyways, they defeat the devil, the end. Weird film. B-, weird enough to be somewhat interesting, but not interesting enough to be fun.
You best believe I describe the super secret sequel Manchurian Candidate 2: Apollo 19: Rock Spiderverse Chronicles in the Quiz. Cheerios,
Oh man. So here’s the thing. I was up on the moon (natch) when a rock punched into my gut and made me go literally insane for some reason. Now I can’t remember a thing! Do you remember what happened in Apollo 18?
Pop Quiz Hot Shot!
1) Why do they say they are going back to the moon?
2) How long is the planned mission to the moon (the original duration … da da da!!!!)?
3) What oddity do the astronauts find while exploring a nearby crater, though?
4) There are little extraterrestrials though. What do they look like?
5) Well, we better get away from these aliums then! What ultimately happens to the three astronauts?
Bonus Question: Smash cut to Houston as we slow zoom in on a sterile white room. What’s in the room?
Bad Movie Twins 