Category: Preview

Brick Mansions Preview

As Patrick and Jamie skulk behind the numerous wicker chairs populating Wicker Park, they try to come up with a plan. Could they stand in for Past Jamie and Patrick and trick the G-Men into giving them the task instead? No. As Jamie notes, rulez are coolz and when given a very important job they aren’t ones to drop the ball like a couple of unprofessional idiots. But that gets them thinking, what if they did follow through? At that they jump out of the bushes and right in the path of the G-Men. “Yo, G-Men, you looking for us?” The G-Men are a bit confused. These Bad Movie Twins look at least ten or eleven years older than the studs in the photos they have. But they shrug their shoulders and agree that since only the secret Time Cop Corporation has the technology of time travel there isn’t anything to worry about. Jamie and Patrick yawn as the G-Men go into intricate detail about the mission they already know everything about. “Yeah, yeah, yeah, high level terrorists in Budapest. Right? We got it,” Jamie says, trying to hurry them along. Now they look double confused and a bit suspicious. “No, not terrorists in Budapest. How did you…” they ask, eyeing Jamie sideways, but eventually shrug again and continue, ‘It’s actually pretty low level terrorists in Paris. Some much higher level terrorists broke down on their way to Budapest. They were carrying a powerful weapon that every baddie in the world would want. It was stolen from the truck and we need to get it back. You up for the job?” Jamie and Patrick gulp and nod their heads. “Oh and one more thing,” the G-Men say, “Hope you guys brought some Mountain Dew.” That’s right! We’re watching Brick Mansion starring Paul Walker. It’s a remake of District B13 that I remember seeing in theaters in college… we didn’t see this one in theaters for obvious reasons. Let’s go!

Brick Mansions (2014) – BMeTric: 44.4; Notability: 29

StreetCreditReport.com – BMeTric: top 10.4%; Notability: top 19.2%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 20.6%; Higher BMeT: Left Behind, The Legend of Hercules, Ouija, God’s Not Dead, Devil’s Due, The Pyramid, A Haunted House 2, Tammy, Sex Tape, I, Frankenstein, Paranormal Activity: The Marked Ones, Behaving Badly, Outcast, Annabelle, Everly, Annie, Vampire Academy, Pompeii, Addicted, Seventh Son, and 6 more; Higher Notability: Transformers: Age of Extinction, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Exodus: Gods and Kings, Transcendence, A Million Ways to Die in the West, Dracula Untold, Dumb and Dumber To, The Monuments Men, Annie, Seventh Son, Winter’s Tale, Think Like a Man Too, Horrible Bosses 2, Need for Speed, The Expendables 3, Men, Women & Children, Ride Along, The Nut Job, Vampire Academy, Pompeii, and 28 more; Lower RT: Behaving Badly, Left Behind, Cam2Cam, Outcast, I, Frankenstein, The Legend of Hercules, Ouija, Some Kind of Beautiful, Addicted, A Haunted House 2, The Angriest Man in Brooklyn, The Cobbler, Search Party, God’s Not Dead, The Best of Me, No Good Deed, Seventh Son, Winter’s Tale, Taken 3, The Nut Job, and 31 more; Notes: Middling across the board. Part of the problem, as I see it, was the competition in the mid-2010s was stiff. Left Behind? Legend of Hercules? Devil’s Due? It is kind of impossible this film could compete with those heavy hitters.

RogerEbert.com – 2.5 stars – The action may be serious, but “Brick Mansions” doesn’t take itself too seriously. It’s a ridiculous movie that has the decency to acknowledge that it’s ridiculous.

(So … good for what it is? Roger Ebert would be proud. Especially in the 2000s he was all about the self-aware bad film actually being good. I think the problem is that this was already made from a self-aware film that also happened to be pretty good.)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4CzcsN4k9FM/

(I mean, it looks kind of cool I suppose. The only issue is the French actor (who was in the original) doesn’t seem like he can keep up with the dialogue. But we’ll see.)

Directors – Camille Delamarre – ( Future BMT: The Transporter Refueled; BMT: Brick Mansions; Notes: Not much about him. Presumably French. Has directed a film called Assassins Club with Sam Neill.)

Writers – Luc Besson – ( Known For: Léon: The Professional; The Fifth Element; Taken; Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets; Lucy; The Transporter; Transporter 2; Revolver; The Big Blue; Arthur, malédiction; Transporter 3; Nikita; Taxi; District B13; Bandidas; Point of No Return; Unleashed; American Renegades; Kiss of the Dragon; Enter the Warriors Gate; Future BMT: Anna; 3 Days to Kill; The Family; The Transporter Refueled; Colombiana; Taken 3; Taken 2; Lockout; The Messenger: The Story of Joan of Arc; Arthur and the Invisibles; From Paris with Love; BMT: Taxi; Brick Mansions; Notes: French. Probably most well known for Fifth Element among many other films that have managed to cross international borders. Kind of amazing this is only our second of his films.)

Bibi Naceri – ( Known For: District B13; The Code; BMT: Brick Mansions; Notes: He wrote the original. Really has no other credits in the US. Everything else is pretty much French productions across the board.)

Ryan Amon – ( BMT: Brick Mansions; Notes: Credited as Ruff Argonauts apparently? Mainly a composer, but I would guess he does uncredited rewrites on the side or something, which is kind of wild.)

Actors – Paul Walker – ( Known For: Furious 7; She’s All That; Fast Five; Furious 6; Joy Ride; Pleasantville; Varsity Blues; Flags of Our Fathers; Running Scared; Eight Below; Tammy and the T-Rex; The Lazarus Project; Hours; Pawn Shop Chronicles; Vehicle 19; Bobby Z; Noel; Monster in the Closet; Stories USA; Future BMT: Into the Blue; Brokedown Palace; Takers; Meet the Deedles; BMT: The Fast and the Furious; Fast & Furious; 2 Fast 2 Furious; Timeline; The Skulls; Brick Mansions; Notes: Sadly died in 2013, prior to this film being released. The song, “See You Again” was made as a tribute for the Furious 7 soundtrack.)

David Belle – ( Known For: Femme Fatale; District B13; Rogue City; District 13: Ultimatum; Divine Intervention; Super Express; Future BMT: The Family; BMT: Babylon A.D.; Brick Mansions; Notes: His father, to some degree, is credited with inventing Parkour. Really, Belle probably actually did, as his father apparently mostly forgot everything and only really “invented” it in that he used his skills to not get beat up in a Vietnamese orphanage as a child.)

RZA – ( Known For: Minions: The Rise of Gru; Nobody; American Gangster; The Dead Don’t Die; Clean; Ghost Dog: The Way of the Samurai; The Next Three Days; Mr. Right; Popstar: Never Stop Never Stopping; Life in a Year; Funny People; The Man with the Iron Fists; A Very Harold & Kumar Christmas; Coffee and Cigarettes; Mutafukaz; The Protector 2; Hard Luck Love Song; Life Is Hot in Cracktown; Thriller; Gospel Hill; Future BMT: Scary Movie 3; Due Date; Derailed; BMT: G.I. Joe: Retaliation; Be Cool; Repo Men; Brick Mansions; Notes: Has been nominated for an Emmy for the soundtrack to Wu-Tang: An American Saga. He has also directed a few things, including the pretty well received The Man with the Iron Fists.)

Budget/Gross – $28,000,000 / Domestic: $20,396,829 (Worldwide: $71,416,730)

(Actually not too bad once you consider international money. The domestic haul is obviously much lower than they would have probably hoped though.)

Rotten Tomatoes – 26% (26/100): Choppily edited and largely bereft of plot, Brick Mansions wastes a likable cast on a pointless remake of the far more entertaining District B13.

(Yes, this is what I felt like at the time. I saw the original in 2006 (I think)? This coming out eight years later seemed odd since District B13 is good.)

Reviewer Highlight: Follows the bog-standard formula perfected by Besson: combining functional storylining with competent action highlights and an occasional air of whimsy. – Trevor Johnston, Time Out

Poster – BM2: Smooth Moves

(Wow… that is not good. Like supreme lameness. I would see that in a theater and be like “See you at BMT.” Color scheme is terrible and just too much going on. Interesting artistic choices but really that’s a mild positive in a sea of not good things. D.)

Tagline(s) – N/A

(There are some taglines on imdb but I don’t know where they come from. There isn’t one on the poster, so that’s an F. Give us something to work with.)

Keyword(s) – European Remake

Top 10: 12 Monkeys (1995), The Italian Job (2003), Insomnia (2002), Scent of a Woman (1992), Clash of the Titans (2010), Some Like It Hot (1959), Vanilla Sky (2001), True Lies (1994), Dawn of the Dead (2004), The Tourist (2010)

Future BMT: 54.5 Eye of the Beholder (1999), 54.0 Downhill (2020), 49.2 The Omen (2006), 44.8 Catch That Kid (2004), 43.1 Diabolique (1996), 43.0 Village of the Damned (1995), 41.8 I Think I Love My Wife (2007), 41.2 Clash of the Titans (2010), 41.2 Mixed Nuts (1994), 39.8 Intersection (1994)

BMT: The Wicker Man (2006), Taxi (2004), The Haunting (1999), Get Carter (2000), Jungle 2 Jungle (1997), Pathfinder (2007), Fathers’ Day (1997), Nine Months (1995), The Big Wedding (2013), Brick Mansions (2014), Sleepless (2017), The Blue Lagoon (1980), School for Scoundrels (2006), Blame It on Rio (1984), The Loft (2014), Vanilla Sky (2001), Wicker Park (2004)

Best Options (future): 44.4 Brick Mansions (2014), 8.9 The Thirteenth Floor (1999)

(Yup, this was basically the only option. If not for this I think we maybe could have managed the full French cycle (in that it needed to go elsewhere for that to work)? Although maybe not, it is possible we’d still be missing a Dimension transition at the top. Regardless, we’d effectively killed any possibility of another Merde de la Merde. There are plenty left, but in reality the genre specific options are clearly too thin.)

Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 15) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Paul Walker is No. 1 billed in Brick Mansions and No. 1 billed in 2 Fast 2 Furious, which also stars Eva Mendes (No. 3 billed) who is in Ghost Rider (No. 2 billed) which also stars Nicolas Cage (No. 1 billed) who is in The Wicker Man (No. 1 billed) which also stars Leelee Sobieski (No. 5 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 1 billed) => (1 + 1) + (3 + 2) + (1 + 1) + (5 + 1) = 15. If we were to watch Into the Blue we can get the HoE Number down to 12.

Notes – Paul Walker’s last fully completed performance (although his final film performance was in Fast & Furious 7 which he was filming at the time of his death).

This film is a remake of the French film “District B13” (Banlieu 13) which stars David Belle in the same role as in this movie. Additionally, plot & other action elements are used from Luc Besson’s treatment of B13: Ultimatum, the French follow up to the first film.

The Gate 38 location was also used in Death Race (2008) as a part of the race track.

Tremain AKA RZA tells Damian and Leno that “Cash rules everything around me.” Which is the title to a hit song by the Wu-Tang Clan which RZA was a member of.

The film takes place in 2018.

In the scene where they show the prison holding Lino, it is actually the Montreal Biosphere.

Wicker Park Preview

Nine months. Nine loooong months helping past Patrick care for his giant family, while also being careful it’s never revealed. Jamie and Patrick have had to live in a crawl space in the house surviving on only Flaming Hot Cheetos and Michelob Ultra (to keep their slim figures). They swap out so past Patrick is able to focus on his work-life balance. When the day of the European backpacking trip approaches they are pretty proud of themselves. The mental torture they have undergone for nine looong months will finally pay off cause past Patrick will finally let them know that… “Yeah, I think we’re still going to go. It seems like fun and Jamie has been really looking forward to it. But thanks.” What thuuuuuu… The Bad Movie Twins are aghast. They attempt to grab past Patrick by the collar and shake some sense into him, but they forget that he has rock hard muscles and lighting reflexes just like them… cause he is them. Shit. “Well now what?” Jamie asks, as they watch past Jamie and Patrick prepare for the trip. But it seems obvious to Patrick, they’ll just have to bide their time. Following them on the backpacking trip they relive some of their fondest memories. Snowmen in Norway and dog poo in The Netherlands. The X-treme hike in the Alps and then an even more X-treme tour of Chernobyl. Jamie rubs his neck where the mutant bit him and they laugh at how he transformed into an evil mutant until Patrick reminded him of who he was. Finally in Monte Carlo they have arrived at the moment of truth and they see the G-Men who first got them on the trail of the Dongle walking through Wicker Park towards past Patrick and Jamie’s hotel. Time to act. That’s right! We’re watching Wicker Park starring BMT faves Josh Hartnett and Matthew Lillard. And no, there isn’t a Wicker Park in Monte Carlo. I’m just a very professional writer. Let’s go!

 Wicker Park (2004) – BMeTric: 10.3; Notability: 25

StreetCreditReport.com – BMeTric: top 36.0%; Notability: top 33.2%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 27.8%; Higher BMeT: Catwoman, Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2, The Adventures of Sharkboy and Lavagirl 3-D, You Got Served, Torque, Taxi, Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen, Soul Plane, Seed of Chucky, Anacondas: The Hunt for the Blood Orchid, Garfield, Thunderbirds, Envy, Godsend, Fat Albert, Agent Cody Banks 2: Destination London, Scooby-Doo 2: Monsters Unleashed, New York Minute, Exorcist: The Beginning, First Daughter, and 70 more; Higher Notability: Shark Tale, Catwoman, The Chronicles of Riddick, Van Helsing, King Arthur, Scooby-Doo 2: Monsters Unleashed, Alexander, After the Sunset, Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason, Blade: Trinity, The Stepford Wives, She Hate Me, Fat Albert, Alien vs. Predator, Man on Fire, Meet the Fockers, The Princess Diaries 2: Royal Engagement, Around the World in 80 Days, Raising Helen, The Phantom of the Opera, and 63 more; Lower RT: Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2, Twisted, The Whole Ten Yards, Godsend, Yu-Gi-Oh!: The Movie – Pyramid of Light, The Cookout, Christmas with the Kranks, Johnson Family Vacation, My Baby’s Daddy, Envy, Surviving Christmas, First Daughter, Catwoman, Taxi, House of D, Exorcist: The Beginning, New York Minute, Employee of the Month, A Cinderella Story, Against the Ropes, and 47 more; Notes: That IMDb score … is absurd. It is nearly at 7.0! I’m not joking when I say that might actually be the highest IMDb scores ever for BMT. I have to check this … A Walk to Remember (7.3), A Dog’s Purpose (7.2), Rambo (2008) (7.0), The Guardian (2006) (6.9), Crank (6.9), Vanilla Sky (6.9). Fun fact: Crank and Vanilla Sky don’t qualify, it predates us being quite as dogmatic about Rotten Tomatoes scores.

RogerEbert.com – 3.0 stars – Once we understand the principle (if not the details) of the plot, “Wicker Park” works because the actors invest their scenes with what is, under the circumstances, astonishing emotional realism. There’s a scene between Josh Hartnett and Rose Byrne during which so much is said, and left unsaid, that we feel real sympathy for both characters. There’s an emotional craziness to the way the Hartnett character misses his plane to China and starts skulking around Chicago/Montreal like a sleuth. There’s an open innocence to the way Matthew Lillard’s character fails to realize he is about to become an innocent bystander. And Diane Kruger, whose Lisa is subjected to logical whiplash by the plot, always seems to know when it is and how she should feel. Now that’s acting.

(Amazing. This is a real rarity. A film that was just dunked on by (most) critics, but somehow also seems to be at least liked by a reasonably sized audience. Really weird.)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vFo0u-nXbGk/

(Wait wait wait wait wait … that’s the official trailer? Like an actual trailer people involved with the film put out? This isn’t a parody of like, what if Wicker Park was a thriller? Because it isn’t. You would be forgiven for thinking it is after watching that trailer, but it isn’t. It is a drama about a sad person wandering around Chicago thinking about the girl who got away. There is nothing (and I mean nothing) thrilling about this film. Truly and profoundly bizarre.)

Directors – Paul McGuigan – ( Known For: Lucky Number Slevin; Film Stars Don’t Die in Liverpool; Gangster No. 1; The Reckoning; The Acid House; Future BMT: Push; Victor Frankenstein; BMT: Wicker Park; Notes: Scottish. Was nominated for an Emmy for directing A Scandal In Belgravia, an episode of Sherlock.)

Writers – Gilles Mimouni – ( Known For: The Apartment; BMT: Wicker Park; Notes: Wrote the original. Was scheduled to direct an English-language film called The Pretender in 2001, but it fell through due to compensation and budgetary disputes.)

Brandon Boyce – ( Known For: Bad Samaritan; Apt Pupil; Venom; BMT: Wicker Park; Notes: Wrote two episodes of the new miniseries Under the Banner of Heaven which is supposed to be good.)

Actors – Josh Hartnett – ( Known For: Wrath of Man; Operation Fortune: Ruse de guerre; Sin City; Black Hawk Down; The Virgin Suicides; The Faculty; Ida Red; 30 Days of Night; Lucky Number Slevin; Halloween H20: 20 Years Later; Most Wanted; The Ottoman Lieutenant; O; Blow Dry; 6 Below: Miracle on the Mountain; Wild Horses; Bunraku; She’s Missing; Valley of the Gods; Resurrecting the Champ; Future BMT: Pearl Harbor; The Black Dahlia; 40 Days and 40 Nights; BMT: Wicker Park; Hollywood Homicide; Here on Earth; Town & Country; Razzie Notes: Nominee for Worst Screen Couple for Pearl Harbor in 2002; Notes: Y’all remember Josh Hartnett right? He’s making a bit of a comeback, but for a bit he exited Hollywood to chill in his home state of Minnesota. He’s been doing a lot of television.)

Diane Kruger – ( Known For: Inglourious Basterds; Troy; National Treasure; Mr. Nobody; Unknown; Fathers & Daughters; The Infiltrator; In the Fade; The Operative; Joyeux Noel; Farewell, My Queen; Special Forces; Jeremiah Terminator LeRoy; Maryland; The Hunting Party; A Perfect Plan; Sky; Copying Beethoven; Anything for Her; Goodbye Bafana; Future BMT: The 355; National Treasure: Book of Secrets; Welcome to Marwen; BMT: Wicker Park; The Host; Notes: German. Was originally a ballerina (which explains I imagine why the character is a dancer in this, or why she was cast in this), but then an injury ended that career and started her into modeling which (as it does) led into acting.)

Matthew Lillard – ( Known For: Scream; Scream; Trouble with the Curve; She’s All That; Scream 2; He’s All That; The Descendants; SLC Punk!; Looney Tunes: Back in Action; Serial Mom; Mortal Kombat Legends: Battle of the Realms; Without Limits; The Groomsmen; Bloodsucking Bastards; Return to Nim’s Island; What Love Is; Love’s Labour’s Lost; Dead Man’s Curve; Bickford Shmeckler’s Cool Ideas; Endless Bummer; Future BMT: Scooby-Doo; Without a Paddle; Scooby-Doo 2: Monsters Unleashed; The Perfect Score; Mad Love; BMT: Thir13en Ghosts; Hackers; Wicker Park; Summer Catch; In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale; Senseless; Wing Commander; Notes: The most sidekickening character actor of all time. But more recently he’s had a few notable character actor roles. In particular in The Descendents and in the new Twin Peaks sequel series.)

Budget/Gross – $30 million / Domestic: $13,001,257 (Worldwide: $21,741,598)

(That is bad. But it is probably bad because the movie is a slow moving drama about sad people.)

Rotten Tomatoes – 27% (36/135): Implausible coincidences and an overly convoluted structure make the movie hard to follow or believe.

(Hard to follow? Hardly. Believe? Seems immaterial. Uninteresting would be more like it, and yet loved by some. Interesting. It feels very very indie cinema for sure.)

Reviewer Highlight: It’s a sad day indeed when a movie’s most memorable performance belongs to Scooby Doo’s Matthew Lillard. – Jeannette Catsoulis, Las Vegas Mercury

Poster – Snickers Park

(I know I shouldn’t like this, but it’s like poster candy for me. They are taking something bad and doing everything right. It’s shaded yellow so the color scheme isn’t ruined by the pictures of people. We get cool and unique font. The only crime is the framing, which is all over the place. Oh and the fact that it’s all meaningless. But I forgive this, because it’s hard to explain what the film is actually about even after you’ve seen it. B-)

Tagline(s) – Passion never dies. (D)

(Blessedly short, but what is this nonsense? This isn’t Ghost starring Demi Moore and Patrick Swayze. No one dies in this film. No one dies at all. I feel like the poster/tagline combination is setting up a murder mystery it can’t deliver on.)

Keyword(s) – European Remake

Top 10: 12 Monkeys (1995), The Italian Job (2003), Insomnia (2002), Scent of a Woman (1992), Clash of the Titans (2010), Some Like It Hot (1959), Vanilla Sky (2001), True Lies (1994), Dawn of the Dead (2004), The Tourist (2010)

Future BMT: 54.5 Eye of the Beholder (1999), 54.0 Downhill (2020), 49.2 The Omen (2006), 44.8 Catch That Kid (2004), 44.4 Brick Mansions (2014), 43.1 Diabolique (1996), 43.0 Village of the Damned (1995), 41.8 I Think I Love My Wife (2007), 41.2 Clash of the Titans (2010), 41.2 Mixed Nuts (1994)

BMT: The Wicker Man (2006), Taxi (2004), The Haunting (1999), Get Carter (2000), Jungle 2 Jungle (1997), Pathfinder (2007), Fathers’ Day (1997), Nine Months (1995), The Big Wedding (2013), Sleepless (2017), The Blue Lagoon (1980), School for Scoundrels (2006), Blame It on Rio (1984), The Loft (2014), Vanilla Sky (2001), Wicker Park (2004)

Best Options (senseless): 10.3 Wicker Park (2004), 8.9 The Thirteenth Floor (1999)

(We really only had one option here. The Thirteenth floor is an oddity because it is based on a German … television movie maybe? It was on the table. Luckily this is indeed very much based on a French film and stars Matthew Lillard of Senseless fame.)

Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 4) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Josh Hartnett is No. 1 billed in Wicker Park and No. 3 billed in Here on Earth, => (1 + 3) = 4. There is no shorter path at the moment.

Notes – The restaurant where Matthew overhears Lisa talking on the telephone is called “Bellucci”. Monica Bellucci was the female lead in the French original The Apartment (1996), of which this film is a remake.

Josh Hartnett signed on after Paul Walker was forced to drop out due to complications with the filming of 2 Fast 2 Furious (2003).

This is the second movie in 2004 to feature both Diane Kruger and Rose Byrne in central female roles. The other movie was Troy, released 4 months earlier.

When Lisa (Diane Kruger) is in the Lady Dragon shoe store, the black heels with the red soles she tries on are Christian Louboutins.

This is a remake of the French film The Apartment (1996). One of the reasons it was most likely changed to the title it holds now is that its distributor, MGM, already owns an American film of the same name- a Best Picture Oscar winner, at that- The Apartment (1960), which they inherited from their purchase of United Artists.

Nine Months Recap

Jamie

I remember watching this film as a kid. Appropriate for a nine year old? Let’s put this to the judge. Exhibit A: the film is filled with broad comedy appropriate for an adaptation of a French film. We got Robin Williams with a silly accent. We got Tom Arnold acting out of his mind. Hugh Grant has transformed into Jerry Lewis. Exhibit B: There is really very little risque in the whole enterprise. Pregnancy is treated at a distance that eventually leads to a happy conclusion. Looking good for the defense at the moment. Oh, oh… what’s this in Exhibit C: the only moment of the film I remembered into adulthood is a moment where Hugh Grant and Julianne Moore are about to have sex until she stops the moment because she’s afraid that the baby would be scarred by having to see Hugh Grant’s penis thrust in its face in utero… horrifying on numerous levels, not least of which is that they are playing adult humans who should know better. Case goes to the prosecution. Not appropriate for a young Jamie and Patrick to be saddled with that memory for the rest of their lives.

Alright, let’s recap. Hugh Grant and Julianne Moore are super in love and super into their unmarried life and how great it is. Grant in particular is a child psychologist who seems hung up on all the bad parts of marriage and parenting, so he’s particularly taken aback when Moore announces that she is pregnant. Grant essentially has a slow motion meltdown as they prepare for the arrival of the child. This culminates with him missing an ultrasound and it’s the last straw. With Moore having left him, Grant is distraught. He tries all the classic midlife crisis remedies for heartbreak (hello, Hugh Grant with an earring), but nothing works. He just wants Moore, so he puts on his big boy pants and decides to grow up. He sells his convertible, he buys a ring, and proves to her that he’s in it to win it… and it works! Now everything is great and we are ready for the big climax. This is of course a double birth where both Moore and their friend Gail end up giving birth in the same room while Robin Williams, Tom Arnold, and Hugh Grant trip over each other. Funny in an absurd way, I guess. THE END

This falls into the bucket of films where you kinda just hate everyone. It legit appears that people who are supposed to love each other are frequently total assholes to each other, which is unpleasant. It doesn’t help that Hugh Grant plays, pardon the technical term, a total weenie. Mix in some very, very broad comedy with Tom Arnold (actually OK) and Robin Williams (maybe the worst performance of his career) and you get a bumpy ride. I will say that there was nice chemistry between Grant and Goldblum and I’m a sucker for a heartwarming cheesefest ending, but it’s not enough to save this one.

Hot Take Clam Bake! Alright so the most famous (to me) scene in the entire film is the infamous “we can’t have sex cause the unborn baby might see your penis” scene. I’m saying it right now, Moore knew this was bullshit and just didn’t want to have sex with Hugh Grant. Maybe she got the ick cause of his big, weird 90’s floppy hair he had. No matter the reason she realized in that moment that sex was off the table and made up the lie. How do I know? Cause Grant and Moore both read What to Expect When You’re Expecting during the film and in that book they make it very clear that sex during pregnancy is no prob. How do I know? I read the book. Why? Because we watched the film adaptation of What to Expect When You’re Expecting and I’m an insane person. Case closed. Ice cold take, really. Hot Take Temperature: Lemon Pepper Seasoning.

Patrick

‘Ello everyone! Nine Months? Felt more like Nine Years, amirite? Because the film is slow and unfunny, get it? Let’s go!

  • The cast of this film is, admittedly, off the chain. Tom Arnold and Joan Cusack in relatively small supporting roles. Jeff Goldblum popping in and out. Robin Williams coming in as a wacky doctor. These were five heavy hitters in comedy at the time.
  • At the same time is it weird to think that Jeff Goldblum and Hugh Grant might have at one point been considered “heavy hitters” in comedy? Just seems that way in my old man brain as it strains to remember watching this as a 10 year old. This film is slow and unfunny, but they assembled a cast as if they were making an actual comedy film with jokes.
  • Robin Williams though is terrible and completely out of place in the film. It is jarring to go from a semi-serious plotline about young adults facing the terrifying prospect of change and growth, to Williams as a wacky Russian stereotype. At the end he’s drunk while actively being a doctor. Hilarious and not at all offensive right?
  • I don’t really know what else to say about the film. It just kind of … is? Is there a plotline? What is it? That Hugh Grant and Julianne Moore are going to have a baby? That’s it? There are obnoxious people played by Tom Arnold and Joan Cusack (but really, don’t they actually have it together? Aren’t Hugh Grant and Jeff Goldblum the weird ones for wanting no strings attached childless relationships?).
  • I do think the film is bad. It is unfunny which is all it needed to be. But also, it has only gotten worse through time. Hugh Grant is an insufferable garbage person. The type of emotionless man who is scared of caring about anything that was the norm in the 90s (and, dare I say it, oft played off as sexy by Kevin Costner in particular). Doesn’t play well in the 2020s. But also that doesn’t matter, because the film is a comedy and it is not funny, which is all it really had to be to be not-bad.
  • I have to leave it there. For no other reason than there isn’t anything else to say.
  • A decent Product Placement (What?) for NERF in particular, even though they pull the punch on having Hugh Grant beat the shit out of Barney, which could have been fun. A definite Setting as a Character (Where?) for San Francisco which is the setting for a ton of Robin Williams films for whatever reason. Definite Secret Holiday Film (When?) for Halloween which features in a bit of one of the nine months the film takes place during. And I think the film is Bad because it is unfunny, has obnoxious characters, and doesn’t have a plot.

Take that Nine Months. Read about the sequel Ten Months in the Quiz. Cheerios,

The Sklogs

Nine Months Preview

Jamie and Patrick watch in bemusement as Kyle tries the eleventh combination to get into the loft he clearly doesn’t own. The past versions of themselves seem mostly bored by the display. “Who is this bozo?” past Jamie mouths to past Patrick. Sweat begins to pour down Kyle’s brow. He puts his fake gun down just for a moment to wipe the moisture from his eye and past Jamie and Patrick take the opportunity to pounce. They disarm him with their catlike reflexes and snap a pair of nunchucks against his neck. “Who are you working for?” they scream in unison. Jamie and Patrick sigh and reveal themselves, the implication of time travel be damned. As they walk out they try to calm their younger selves. While they still have the rock hard abs of youth, much improved dance skills through years of practice, and can twin chop with the best of them, they also know their jean shorts are fitting a little snugger than in their salad days. “Don’t hurt him. We put Kyle up to it. He’s just a kind-hearted man not made for deception.” Kyle exhales in relief while their past selves blanche at the sight of not two Bad Movie Twins, but four? Whu-whu-whuuuuu? Jamie and Patrick quickly fill them in on what has happened. Normally their story would be impossible to believe, but their very existence is proof enough. “But Patrick needs this vacation,” Jamie mutters in frustration, “What are we supposed to do just let BMT die?” They all gasp at the thought. No, but Patrick has a compromise, “What if we help out, Multiplicity style, and maybe by the time the vacation rolls around you’ll be refreshed and won’t need it. It couldn’t be that long, right?… right?” That’s right! We’re watching the Hugh Grant comedy classic Nine Months. You know, the film where a giant baby man-child complains incessantly about how his girlfriend is pregnant. Sounds like a barrel of laughs. Let’s go! 

Nine Months (1995) – BMeTric: 47.1; Notability: 47

StreetCreditReport.com – BMeTric: top 6.0%; Notability: top 8.0%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 18.1%; Higher BMeT: Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers, Showgirls, Vampire in Brooklyn, Fair Game, Jury Duty, Congo, Batman Forever, Mighty Morphin Power Rangers: The Movie, Theodore Rex, Tank Girl, The Babysitter, Judge Dredd, Under Siege 2: Dark Territory, A Kid in King Arthur’s Court, Candyman: Farewell to the Flesh; Higher Notability: Batman Forever, Congo, Judge Dredd, Cutthroat Island, Virtuosity, Under Siege 2: Dark Territory, Showgirls, Tank Girl, Four Rooms, Stuart Saves His Family, Jefferson in Paris, Panther, Steal Big Steal Little, Assassins, Jade, Money Train, Things to Do in Denver When You’re Dead, Hackers, Mighty Morphin Power Rangers: The Movie, Canadian Bacon; Lower RT: The Big Green, National Lampoon’s Senior Trip, Theodore Rex, Jury Duty, Delta of Venus, Top Dog, The Walking Dead, Born to Be Wild, A Kid in King Arthur’s Court, The Hunted, It Takes Two, Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers, Bushwhacked, Dracula: Dead and Loving It, Fair Game, Vampire in Brooklyn, Canadian Bacon, The Scarlet Letter, Four Rooms, Jade, and 22 more; Notes: A 5.5 on IMDb seems about right. The Notability on this thing is off the chain. Mid-60s comedies man, Robin Williams is in this for like 7 total minutes. Incredible.

RogerEbert.com – 2.0 stars – Much attention has been focused on “Nine Months” because it’s the movie that Hugh Grant was in the process of publicizing when he suddenly found himself receiving all too much publicity for the wrong reasons. The film’s box-office performance will be closely analyzed for clues about whether Grant’s career will be affected by the recent scandal. My guess is that the film, left to itself, would have performed only moderately at the box office, so if it does any better than that, the scandal can only have helped.

(Ha! I honestly forgot about all that. His career did take a dip IIRC, but he has since easily bounced back and we all now wistfully look back on the days when merely soliciting prostitutes was all you had to worry about with your film stars.)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dVmOU8HPf_E/

(Looks dumb. I remember this trailer though, specifically I remember Hugh Grant getting hit in the face by the kid on the swing set.)

Directors – Chris Columbus – ( Known For: Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone; Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets; Home Alone; Mrs. Doubtfire; Percy Jackson & the Olympians: The Lightning Thief; Adventures in Babysitting; Stepmom; Rent; The Christmas Chronicles: Part Two; Only the Lonely; Future BMT: Home Alone 2: Lost in New York; Bicentennial Man; Heartbreak Hotel; BMT: Pixels; I Love You, Beth Cooper; Nine Months; Notes: He produced The Help, which was nominated for Best Picture. Started as a writer with things like Gremlins and Goonies, and then broke into directing a bit later. Wrote a television show called Galaxy High School.)

Writers – Patrick Braoudé – ( Known For: Love & Confusions; Neuf mois; Second Life; BMT: Nine Months; Notes: Wrote the original French film. He is also an actor in France, and was in The 15:17 to Paris as President Hollande.)

Chris Columbus – ( Known For: The Goonies; Gremlins; Gremlins 2: The New Batch; Young Sherlock Holmes; The Christmas Chronicles: Part Two; Only the Lonely; Little Nemo: Adventures in Slumberland; Future BMT: Reckless; Heartbreak Hotel; BMT: Nine Months; Christmas with the Kranks; Notes: He has wild writing credits, like for The Goonies II video game, and a French TV Movie called Madame Doubtfire which aired in France.)

Actors – Hugh Grant – ( Known For: The Gentlemen; Operation Fortune: Ruse de guerre; Love Actually; Notting Hill; Sense and Sensibility; Paddington 2; The Man from U.N.C.L.E.; Cloud Atlas; Four Weddings and a Funeral; Bridget Jones’s Diary; Bitter Moon; About a Boy; The Remains of the Day; Maurice; Florence Foster Jenkins; Two Weeks Notice; Music and Lyrics; Sirens; The Lair of the White Worm; Mickey Blue Eyes; Future BMT: American Dreamz; BMT: Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason; Did You Hear About the Morgans?; Nine Months; Notes: Was nominated for two Emmys, for A Very British Scandal and The Undoing. I’m a bit surprised he didn’t get anything really for About a Boy (not even a BAFTA nomination).)

Julianne Moore – ( Known For: Boogie Nights; The Big Lebowski; The Lost World: Jurassic Park; Crazy, Stupid, Love.; Kingsman: The Golden Circle; Magnolia; Don Jon; The Fugitive; Children of Men; The Hunger Games: Mockingjay – Part 2; The Hand that Rocks the Cradle; The Woman in the Window; The Hunger Games: Mockingjay – Part 1; Carrie; Chloe; Non-Stop; The Hours; Evolution; When You Finish Saving the World; Still Alice; Future BMT: Dear Evan Hansen; Hannibal; Eagle Eye; Next; Assassins; Psycho; Suburbicon; The Forgotten; Laws of Attraction; The Ladies Man; Freedomland; Roommates; The Gun in Betty Lou’s Handbag; BMT: Seventh Son; Body of Evidence; Nine Months; Razzie Notes: Nominee for Worst Supporting Actress for Seventh Son in 2016; Notes: Was on As the World Turns from 1985 to 1988 and did a return cameo in 2010. Was nominated for five Oscars (Boogie Nights, The End of the Affair, The Hours, Far from Heaven, Still Alive) and finally won for Still Alice.)

Tom Arnold – ( Known For: True Lies; Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery; Good Mourning; Hit and Run; Kicking & Screaming; Bigger; Good Dick; Animal Factory; Hero; Gardens of the Night; Happy Endings; Dumbbells; Pride; Mr. 3000; The Skeptic; Barely Legal; Hansel & Gretel; The Great Buck Howard; Homo Erectus; Cloud 9; Future BMT: Coneheads; Dickie Roberts: Former Child Star; Soul Plane; Undercover Blues; Carpool; McHale’s Navy; Big Bully; Rebound; The Final Season; The Stupids; Madea’s Witness Protection; BMT: Freddy’s Dead: The Final Nightmare; Cradle 2 the Grave; Exit Wounds; Nine Months; Razzie Notes: Winner for Worst Actor in 1997 for Big Bully, Bio-Dome, Carpool, and The Stupids; Notes: He was a huge star for a while in the late 80s / early 90s (and famously married to Roseanne). He now does a lot of smaller films, but I’m most intrigued by his recurring guest role as Elvis Bertrand on NCIS: New Orleans.)

Budget/Gross – N/A / Domestic: $69,684,532 (Worldwide: $138,510,230)

(This seems like a huge hit. More domestic than Four Weddings and a Funeral. More international than My Best Friend’s Wedding. Both of those I feel like were considered decent enough successes of the era.)

Rotten Tomatoes – 25% (8/32): Nine Months finds writer-director Chris Columbus playing to his worst comedic instincts — and relying far too heavily on the trademark tics of his miscast leading man.

(This sounds about right, and maybe is the opposite of Fathers’ Day? There they just transplanted the French jokes onto Billy Crystal and Robin Williams. It sounds like here they make a Hugh Grant version of the original. Neither seemed like they came out amazingly.)

Reviewer Highlight: [Nine Months] threatens to turn an interesting actor into a self-parodying commodity. – David Ansen, Newsweek

Poster – Ten Months

(I feel like the general framing and color scheme of the poster to be not my cup of tea. But despite all that, and the disastrous font, I think this is a clever poster. Maybe it’s the ridiculously goofy grin on Hugh Grant. Enough to launch it up to a C.)

Tagline(s) – Ready or Not. (B)

(Not clever, but concise and gives us exactly what we need to know without spelling it out. Honestly this poster is a masterclass in communication. They have basically shown and told you nothing, but implicitly you understand everything that the movie is about.)

Keyword(s) – European Remake

Top 10: 12 Monkeys (1995), The Italian Job (2003), Insomnia (2002), Scent of a Woman (1992), Clash of the Titans (2010), Some Like It Hot (1959), Vanilla Sky (2001), True Lies (1994), Dawn of the Dead (2004), The Tourist (2010)

Future BMT: 54.5 Eye of the Beholder (1999), 54.0 Downhill (2020), 49.2 The Omen (2006), 44.8 Catch That Kid (2004), 44.4 Brick Mansions (2014), 43.1 Diabolique (1996), 43.0 Village of the Damned (1995), 41.8 I Think I Love My Wife (2007), 41.2 Clash of the Titans (2010), 41.2 Mixed Nuts (1994)

BMT: The Wicker Man (2006), Taxi (2004), The Haunting (1999), Get Carter (2000), Jungle 2 Jungle (1997), Pathfinder (2007), Fathers’ Day (1997), Nine Months (1995), The Big Wedding (2013), Sleepless (2017), The Blue Lagoon (1980), School for Scoundrels (2006), Blame It on Rio (1984), The Loft (2014), Vanilla Sky (2001)

Best Options (Romance): 47.1 Nine Months (1995), 41.8 I Think I Love My Wife (2007), 39.8 Intersection (1994), 37.9 My Father the Hero (1994), 37.9 Nine (2009), 32.3 Original Sin (2001), 29.7 The Woman in Red (1984), 24.4 The Man Who Loved Women (1983), 10.3 Wicker Park (2004)

(Smash that top pick. None of the others seem interesting except probably My Father the Hero which … woof, I feel like late Depardieu in American comedies might be a dark time. Reading his wikipedia he sounds a bit like Steven Seagal.)

Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 17) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Hugh Grant is No. 1 billed in Nine Months and No. 1 billed in Did You Hear About the Morgans?, which also stars Sam Elliott (No. 4 billed) who is in Ghost Rider (No. 3 billed) which also stars Nicolas Cage (No. 1 billed) who is in The Wicker Man (No. 1 billed) which also stars Leelee Sobieski (No. 5 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 1 billed) => (1 + 1) + (4 + 3) + (1 + 1) + (5 + 1) = 17. If we were to watch American Dreamz we can get the HoE Number down to 9.

Notes – Grant’s arrest in Los Angeles (June 27, 1995), and his subsequent appearance on The Tonight Show starring Jay Leno, two days before the release of this movie, not only boosted the box-office take, despite unfavorable reviews, it also catapulted Leno’s ratings over and above rival David Letterman’s for the very first time.

After reading the script, Robin Williams originally wanted to play the Barney-like dinosaur. He later opted to play the doctor.

Marks Hugh Grant’s first Hollywood feature film.

Robin Williams filmed his small supporting performance in this film at the same time Jumanji (1995) was being filmed.

Before Chris Columbus worked with Robin Williams on Mrs. Doubtfire (1993), he had seen him in comedy clubs in Los Angeles, where he was blown away by his energy. He thought he was one of the most impressive minds in comedy.

As Sam rushes Rebecca to the hospital, they pass a movie theater showing “Home Alone VII.” Home Alone (1990) was also directed by Chris Columbus.

Reportedly, Hans Zimmer composed the theme before the shooting started. It is also said that the score is inspired by the birth of Zimmer’s daughter.

Three of director Chris Columbus’ children appear in this movie. Eleanor Columbus plays a little girl in ballet class, Brendan Columbus plays a little boy on the beach, and Violet Columbus plays the baby in the toy store.

Based on a 1994 French comedy, Neuf mois, which means, “nine months.”

Hugh Grant, though in praise of his director and co-stars, was very critical and regretful of his performance in this film. He claimed he ruined it by ‘grotesquely over-acting,’ a result of his attempt to up his game due to the panic and pressure of being paid much more money than what he had been getting prior to his Hollywood debut. Grant has been eternally apologetic to all involved ever since.

Hugh Grant admitted that he and Julianne Moore did not get along during the production.

Writer-director Chris Columbus’ first choice for the role of Marty Dwyer was Jeff Daniels. However comic actor Tom Arnold had an agreement with 20th Century Fox the studio behind this film that he was allowed to star in another movie of his choice that they produced due to his success in the Arnold Schwarzenegger blockbuster True Lies (1994) the previous year. This deal was offered by Fox to Arnold as an apology because they originally did not want the comedian starring in that film due to his messy divorce at the time from his ex-wife Roseanne Barr. However James Cameron the director of True Lies insisted on Arnold’s casting or he would take his movie to another studio so Fox approved Arnold as to not lose the movie because they were sure they had a hit. Critics and audiences who disliked Arnold at the time and were critical of his work and personal life all agreed he gave a very good performance in True Lies, and because of the positive reception of his performance as well as of the film in general Arnold was allowed to do one more movie for Fox and he chose this film because he felt it would be a huge hit with Columbus directing due to the directors previous successes with the first two Home Alone movies and Mrs. Doubtfire (1993).

The Loft Preview

“Good night’s rest? What am I missing?” Kyle says as Jamie and Patrick walk him into a costume store. We see a Pretty Woman style montage of him trying out different outfits, but each time they shake their heads. Sure Kyle is pulling off the Little Bo Peep costume, but it’s not quite right. When Kyle comes out of the changing room in a detective costume, though, Jamie and Patrick immediately high five. “The plan can’t fail,” Jamie assures Kyle, “Where is the best place to get a good night’s rest where babies aren’t allowed? In Jail. And then Patrick will be free to snooze away any thought of an extended vacation in Europe. Just bust in, say he’s under arrest and bring him back here.” Kyle nods his head, but he’s already visibly shaking. “Stage fright,” whispers Patrick with a note of concern, but Jamie puts a hand up to stop him. Kyle can and will do this.

An hour later they are back up on their perch above a fully functioning mock jail being manned by LePumice and Ty. Looking through their binoculars they see Kyle prepare to enter BMTHQ. He busts in, fake gun held high. “Freeze you dirtbags,” he yells, “You mofos are def under arrest for being dirty dirtbags. At least Patrick is. The one named Patrick.” He’s totally messing it up. “We gotta get down there and stop him,” Patrick says, but before they can make it down, they see Kyle leading them both out of the office. “Come with me, perps. Get ready for your perp walk. We’re going to my loft. That’s where I take criminals because I’m a dirty cop who doesn’t play by rules.” Jamie and Patrick shake their heads in horror and both ask the obvious question, “What loft?” That’s right, we’re watching The Loft. It’s a film that everyone remembers. You know the one. It’s based on a Belgian film… stars a bunch of TV actors… yeah, that one. But most importantly it brings us one step closer to being Wentworth Miller completionists (the ultimate goal of BMT). Let’s go!

The Loft (2014) – BMeTric: 23.4; Notability: 34

StreetCreditReport.com – BMeTric: top 28.0%; Notability: top 13.2%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 8.9%; Higher BMeT: Left Behind, The Legend of Hercules, Ouija, God’s Not Dead, Devil’s Due, The Pyramid, A Haunted House 2, Tammy, Sex Tape, I, Frankenstein, Paranormal Activity: The Marked Ones, Behaving Badly, Outcast, Dying of the Light, Annabelle, Everly, Annie, Vampire Academy, Pompeii, Addicted, and 50 more; Higher Notability: Transformers: Age of Extinction, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Exodus: Gods and Kings, Transcendence, A Million Ways to Die in the West, Dracula Untold, Dumb and Dumber To, The Monuments Men, Annie, Seventh Son, Winter’s Tale, Think Like a Man Too, Horrible Bosses 2, Need for Speed, The Expendables 3, Men, Women & Children, Ride Along, The Nut Job, Vampire Academy, Pompeii, and 13 more; Lower RT: Behaving Badly, Left Behind, Cam2Cam, Outcast, I, Frankenstein, The Legend of Hercules, Ouija, Some Kind of Beautiful, Addicted, A Haunted House 2, The Angriest Man in Brooklyn, The Cobbler, Search Party, Dying of the Light, God’s Not Dead, The Best of Me, No Good Deed, Seventh Son, Winter’s Tale, Taken 3, and 2 more; Notes: I had to go and check the archive results, but indeed, there was a few aberrations here, I think because IMDb started to lose the thread a bit about when this film actually was coming out. My guess is that the very high rating is from people thinking they were rating one of the originals. The eventually rating of 6.3 is waaaaaaaaaay too high for this film. I don’t really get it, but I also don’t have an explanation.

RogerEbert.com – 1.0 stars – In preparing to review the new thriller “The Loft,” I was surprised to discover that not only is it a remake of a 2008 film that was an enormous hit in its native Belgium, it was previously remade in the Netherlands in 2010–indeed, the film’s director, Erik van Looy, not only helmed the original but also worked on the Dutch version as well. I am not surprised by the fact that this story has been told three times in such a short period of time–hey, the beloved classic “The Maltese Falcon” was actually the third cinematic go-around for that tale in less than a decade. No, what surprises me is that I would have thought that by this third stab at this particular narrative, all of the implausibilities and idiocies would have been ironed out. Alas, this long-delayed would-be erotic thriller is a shabby bore that promises viewers any number of kinky thrills and then proceeds to deflate those expectations.

(Yup, that sounds right. Having now seen the film I’m inclined to agree, it is shocking that this is the tale that is being told the third time around. Although it is impossible watch the original, so I also wonder whether the set up is the same across all of the films, but the resolution is somewhat dependant on the director or something.)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6IZJAra4gLc/

(Oooooo looks intense. Urban! Miller! Marsden! What a cast. What a mystery! Yeah I’m joking this looks like garbage.)

Directors – Erik Van Looy – ( Known For: Loft; The Memory of a Killer; Shades; Ad Fundum; BMT: The Loft; Notes: He directed the original Flemish production. He is also the host of The Smartest Person in the World, a very famous game show in Belgium.)

Writers – Bart De Pauw – ( Known For: Loft; Loft; BMT: The Loft; Notes: The Flemish writer, he does exclusively Belgian productions, and gets credit from writing the original.)

Wesley Strick – ( Known For: Cape Fear; Arachnophobia; Wolf; Return to Paradise; Final Analysis; True Believer; Love Is the Drug; Future BMT: A Nightmare on Elm Street; The Saint; The Glass House; BMT: Doom; The Loft; Razzie Notes: Nominee for Worst Screenplay for Final Analysis in 1993; Notes: Was in the band The Commotion in the 80s, and according to IMDb was the first person to write a script for Scorsese and be allowed to stay on set.)

Actors – Karl Urban – ( Known For: The Sea Beast; Thor: Ragnarok; The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King; Star Wars: The Rise Of Skywalker; The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers; Star Trek; Dredd; Star Trek Beyond; RED; Star Trek Into Darkness; Riddick; The Bourne Supremacy; Pete’s Dragon; And Soon the Darkness; Bent; Acts of Vengeance; Hangman; The Price of Milk; Out of the Blue; Truth About Demons; Future BMT: The Chronicles of Riddick; Walking with Dinosaurs 3D; BMT: Doom; Ghost Ship; The Loft; Priest; Pathfinder; Notes: Urban is a legend in BMT circles. He has a particular style of acting which when used well (The Boys) hits just the right note, but when used poorly (Priest) is at least very amusing. He’s from New Zealand.)

James Marsden – ( Known For: Sonic the Hedgehog 2; The Notebook; Sonic the Hedgehog; X-Men; X-Men: Days of Future Past; 27 Dresses; X-Men: The Last Stand; Hairspray; Enchanted; X2: X-Men United; Zoolander; Superman Returns; Sex Drive; 2 Guns; Anchorman 2: The Legend Continues; Interstate 60: Episodes of the Road; Straw Dogs; My Little Pony: A New Generation; The Boss Baby: Family Business; The Butler; Future BMT: The Best of Me; Disturbing Behavior; Sugar & Spice; Hop; Gossip; Cats & Dogs: The Revenge of Kitty Galore; BMT: The Loft; Unfinished Business; Notes: He’s just got that American boy look doesn’t he? He’s from Oklahoma and apparently lost out on the role in Primal Fear to Edward Norton.)

Wentworth Miller – ( Known For: The Human Stain; Blood Creek; Future BMT: Underworld; Resident Evil: Afterlife; BMT: The Loft; Stealth; Notes: You know Wentworth Miller … right? He’s from Prison Break and … other things, but mostly Prison Break. He’s actually pretty deep into the DC Arrowverse stuff as he’s in DC’s Legends of Tomorrow with his Prison Break co-star Dominic Purcell.)

Budget/Gross – $14 million / Domestic: $6,002,684 (Worldwide: $11,020,402)

(I don’t know why this would cost $14 million (the cast maybe, I suppose they did have to pay three reasonably famous people), but that is a bad take. I imagine they were looking for $30 million on the nose as a small thriller.)

Rotten Tomatoes – 14% (6/42): Populated with characters as unpleasant as its sleazy storyline, The Loft is uninhabitable for all but the least demanding erotic thriller fans.

(Yup, the storyline certainly hasn’t aged well, and it’s only been 8 years. I suppose that is either the point (that any of these terrible people could be a murderer), or it was lost in translation a bit from something one might describe as being “more European”.)

Reviewer Highlight: The Loft is a film that can’t decide what it wants. It’s a male fantasy, and a cautionary tale. It’s sleazy in concept, and timid in execution. It punishes its protagonists for their transgressions, then lets them off the hook. – Katie Rife, AV Club

Poster – The Best Bro Condo

(It is a very striking poster with some nice razzmatazz to go with the purple color. Looks just a bit like a cheap thriller you’d find at the airport, but still… I like how bold they decided to go. B+.)

Tagline(s) – The right place to do wrong (B)

(I like the thought and effort. Not sure what it really has to do with the film, though, as it’s clearly the wrong place to do wrong. They all seem quite upset by the wrong thing that has happened there, so how could it be right? Dumb.)

Keyword(s) – European Remake

Top 10: 12 Monkeys (1995), The Italian Job (2003), Insomnia (2002), Scent of a Woman (1992), Clash of the Titans (2010), Some Like It Hot (1959), Vanilla Sky (2001), True Lies (1994), Dawn of the Dead (2004), The Tourist (2010)

Future BMT: 54.5 Eye of the Beholder (1999), 54.0 Downhill (2020), 49.2 The Omen (2006), 47.1 Nine Months (1995), 44.8 Catch That Kid (2004), 44.4 Brick Mansions (2014), 43.1 Diabolique (1996), 43.0 Village of the Damned (1995), 41.8 I Think I Love My Wife (2007), 41.2 Clash of the Titans (2010)

BMT: The Wicker Man (2006), Taxi (2004), The Haunting (1999), Get Carter (2000), Jungle 2 Jungle (1997), Pathfinder (2007), Fathers’ Day (1997), The Big Wedding (2013), Sleepless (2017), The Blue Lagoon (1980), School for Scoundrels (2006), Blame It on Rio (1984), The Loft (2014), Vanilla Sky (2001)

Best Options (Thriller): 54.5 Eye of the Beholder (1999), 44.4 Brick Mansions (2014), 43.0 Village of the Damned (1995), 34.6 Mad Money (2008), 34.2 The Tourist (2010), 32.9 Memory (2022), 23.4 The Loft (2014), 8.9 The Thirteenth Floor (1999)

(Why would we do such a low BMeTric film? Well, The Loft has long been on our radar. Since it is a film that came out during the BMT Era I distinctly remember it coming out and being like “that looks like garbage”. Et voila! It only took 8 years, but we finally managed to hit up The Loft.)

Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 13) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Karl Urban is No. 1 billed in The Loft and No. 2 billed in Priest, which also stars Paul Bettany (No. 1 billed) who is in Firewall (No. 2 billed) which also stars Harrison Ford (No. 1 billed) who is in Hollywood Homicide (No. 1 billed) which also stars Josh Hartnett (No. 2 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 3 billed) => (1 + 2) + (1 + 2) + (1 + 1) + (2 + 3) = 13. There is no shorter path at the moment.

Notes – Matthias Schoenaerts played a lead role in the Belgian original Loft (2008) and is the only actor cast to reprise his role.

Filmed in June and July 2011, but not released until January 2015.

This is Matthias Schoenaerts’ first English-language role.

Patrick Wilson was originally cast as Vincent Stevens, but dropped out due to his commitment to his TV show. He was replaced by Karl Urban.

This will be the second remake of the original Loft (2008), after a Dutch remake (Loft (2010)) was produced. It will also be the third time that director Erik Van Looy is involved: he directed the Belgian original, and temporarily took over the direction duties from Antoinette Beumer for the first remake when she had an accident.

The building you see in the opening and ending scenes is real : it’s 930 Poydras in New Orleans. All the interior scenes were shot in a Belgian studio near Brussels.

When he’s not making movies, director Erik van Looy presents one of the most popular quiz shows on Belgian TV.

Eric Stonestreet is an alum of Kansas State University, where James Marsden’s father teaches.

Sleepless Preview

Another sleepless night, Patrick drags himself into the BMTHQ offices. “You look like trash barrels, my man,” chides Jamie, Reebok Pumps kicked up on his desk. Patrick smiles. “Six kids will do that to yah. This latest one seems determined to make sure I don’t sleep ever again.” He yawns and looks down pensively. “Jamie… do you ever wonder if there is more to life than bad movies?” Jamie is shocked and frankly disturbed by this line of thinking. But how to delicately head off where this conversation is heading? “You wanna fight about it?” he blurts out much to Patrick’s frustration. “You wanna fight about it, bro?” he repeats, ripping off his denim t-shirt for emphasis. Patrick shakes his head. This is exactly what he had been afraid of. The company was on solid footing, their worldwide fame unshakeable. But every time he even broached the subject of a little time off Jamie would end up screaming at him shirtless. He turns away shaking his head in dismay. Realizing he perhaps crossed the line this time, Jamie offers a compromise. “Hey man, you know, we could always cut down dance class to three half days a week… and, uh, maybe we could go on that European backpacking trip you always wanted to go on.” At that Patrick perks up.

“Oh, no no no,” Patrick mutters from his perch far up on the roof of the building next door to BMTHQ. “They’ve already agreed to go on the trip.” Jamie and Patrick are back in 2017, the genesis of the European backpacking trip that first brought them into contact with the Obsidian Dongle. “You really did look like shit,” Jamie says chuckling as he peers through the binoculars. “Maybe you just needed a good night’s rest.” A lightbulb goes off. That’s right! We hit up another remake of a French film with Sleepless starring Jamie Foxx. It’s got a grade A Las Vegas setting and a grade C everything else. Let’s go!

Sleepless (2017) – BMeTric: 43.0; Notability: 25

StreetCreditReport.com – BMeTric: top 13.2%; Notability: top 18.4%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 14.5%; Higher BMeT: The Emoji Movie, Fifty Shades Darker, Death Note, Jeepers Creepers III, Rings, The Bye Bye Man, Snatched, The Snowman, Transformers: The Last Knight, The Layover, Diary of a Wimpy Kid: The Long Haul, Leatherface, Amityville: The Awakening, Flatliners, Geostorm, Wish Upon, The Circle, The Mummy, Unforgettable, Baywatch, and 13 more; Higher Notability: Transformers: The Last Knight, Justice League, Sandy Wexler, Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales, The Mummy, The Emoji Movie, Geostorm, King Arthur: Legend of the Sword, The Current War, Bright, Tulip Fever, Suburbicon, American Assassin, Baywatch, The Dark Tower, CHIPS, Fifty Shades Darker, Pitch Perfect 3, The House, The Snowman, and 26 more; Lower RT: The Layover, Naked, Flatliners, Hangman, The Emoji Movie, The Snowman, Rings, Tulip Fever, Fifty Shades Darker, The Vanishing of Sidney Hall, First Kill, The Dark Tower, The Circle, The Mummy, Transformers: The Last Knight, The Space Between Us, Jeepers Creepers III, Father Figures, Baywatch, Geostorm, and 15 more; Notes: I would say that Amityville: The Awakening is the most intriguing of the Higher BMeT films. It is a bit of a blind spot that I’ve never seen a single Amityville film, and there are a bajillion (mostly non-qualifying) films at this point.

RogerEbert.com – 2.0 stars – “Sleepless” is one of those movies that needed to be a lot better or a lot worse to make much of an impression. This story of a Las Vegas police officer trying to recover his kidnapped son from bad guys is frustratingly not-terrible. The action sequences, the characterizations, the performances, all could have come together to form a dandy example of what used to be a called a B-movie: a genre film that doesn’t have much money to play with but compensates with ingenuity and style. And yet “Sleepless” somehow quite never gets to that level. Its rare moments of quality only make the rest of the movie—a mishmash of conspiratorial plotting and close-quarters fistfights and gunfights—seem lamer. As directed by Baran bo Odar (2010’s “The Silence”) and scripted by “World Trade Center” writer Andrea Berloff, this remake of the 2011 French film “Sleepless Night” is funny sometimes but not funny enough, exciting sometimes but never exciting enough, and inherently emotional (mainly due to the hero’s anguished desire to save his son) yet never willing to run with the emotionalism and turn into a full-blown action melodrama.

(I feel like if Ebert wrote this he might have been slightly more dour about it. He loved his “good for what it is” films, but this is “bad for what it is” and that is when you really need to destroy a film. Anyways, he also wouldn’t have used the word “lamer” I feel like.)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dA7JW9Zj2-g/

(Wowza is that intense. Here’s the thing, in the original Sleepless they barely indicate that the cop is undercover. It is more like they suggest it as a possibility and then leave it up to the viewer to decide whether it is believable. Here? It is a giant part of the trailer! That’s crazy. This just looks like a generic action film at this point.)

Directors – Baran bo Odar – ( Known For: Who Am I; The Silence; BMT: Sleepless; Notes: He directed the German television show Dark! Bar none one of the greatest sci-fi television shows ever created. It is great.)

Writers – Andrea Berloff – ( Known For: Straight Outta Compton; Blood Father; World Trade Center; Future BMT: The Kitchen; BMT: Sleepless; Notes: Nominated for an Oscar for Straight Outta Compton.)

Frédéric Jardin – ( Known For: Thoongaavanam; Sleepless Night; Cravate club; BMT: Sleepless; Notes: He wrote and directed the original film, Sleepless Night. His father was a major French screenwriter in the 60s.)

Nicolas Saada – ( Known For: Sleepless Night; My Golden Days; Taj Mahal; En jouant ‘Dans la compagnie des hommes’; BMT: Sleepless; Notes: French, and has a credit here for helping to write Sleepless Night.)

Olivier Douyère – ( Known For: Sleepless Night; Secret Agents; Scènes de crimes; BMT: Sleepless; Notes: Same, has a credit for Sleepless Night, which was also his last actual credit on IMDb. There is nothing else about him.)

Actors – Jamie Foxx – ( Known For: Spider-Man: No Way Home; Django Unchained; Collateral; Baby Driver; The Amazing Spider-Man 2; Soul; Miami Vice; Horrible Bosses; White House Down; Just Mercy; Rio; Jarhead; Project Power; Ray; Any Given Sunday; Rio 2; Dreamgirls; Ali; The Kingdom; I’m Still Here; Future BMT: Law Abiding Citizen; A Million Ways to Die in the West; Robin Hood; Annie; Due Date; Horrible Bosses 2; The Players Club; Booty Call; Bait; Held Up; Breakin’ All the Rules; BMT: Valentine’s Day; Stealth; Sleepless; Toys; Razzie Notes: Nominee for Worst Supporting Actor for Robin Hood in 2019; Notes: He was nominated for two oscars in 2005 for Ray and Collateral and won for Ray. His birth name is Eric Bishop. He just had a film come out called Day Shift.)

Michelle Monaghan – ( Known For: Mission: Impossible – Fallout; Constantine; Mission: Impossible – Ghost Protocol; Unfaithful; Mission: Impossible III; Gone Baby Gone; The Bourne Supremacy; Mr. & Mrs. Smith; Source Code; Kiss Kiss Bang Bang; Black Site; The Craft: Legacy; Patriots Day; Every Breath You Take; North Country; Machine Gun Preacher; Somewhere; The Vanishing of Sidney Hall; Playing It Cool; Nanny; Future BMT: The Best of Me; The Heartbreak Kid; Due Date; Eagle Eye; It Runs in the Family; BMT: Pixels; Made of Honor; Sleepless; Razzie Notes: Nominee for Worst Supporting Actress for Pixels in 2016; Notes: Still going strong. Her “big” movie this year is Blacksite which also stars BMT superstar Jai Courtney.)

Dermot Mulroney – ( Known For: Along for the Ride; Zodiac; Stoker; Gone in the Night; Young Guns; Burn After Reading; August: Osage County; My Best Friend’s Wedding; Careful What You Wish For; The Grey; Agent Game; Insidious: Chapter 3; Deadly Illusions; J. Edgar; Copycat; About Schmidt; The Family Stone; Point of No Return; The Thing Called Love; Jolene; Future BMT: Career Opportunities; Angels in the Outfield; Umma; The Mountain Between Us; The Wedding Date; Bad Girls; Must Love Dogs; Sunset; Goodbye Lover; BMT: Dirty Grandpa; Abduction; Georgia Rule; Jobs; Sleepless; Notes: It feels like he actually might mainly be famous for being the titular best friend in My Best Friend’s Wedding. He was in a film called Cats and I was like what?! But nope, different film called Cats somehow.)

Budget/Gross – $30 million / Domestic: $20,783,704 (Worldwide: $32,917,353)

(Yeah not what you want. This is the type of film which if it was any good would have done maybe $60 million at the box office, but then it would have done big business late on television and streaming. And that sequel they teased would have also definitely been made.)

Rotten Tomatoes – 25% (15/61): Sleepless wastes a talented cast — and solid source material — on a tired crime drama whose clichés rapidly outnumber its thrills.

(Sounds about right. It does seem like a very cliche “sweaty” crime thriller. It seems impossible to be comfortable running around in trousers in Las Vegas. Unless you are in a casino all day which I guess Jamie Foxx is.)

Reviewer Highlight: We get muttering and glowering from Mr. Foxx, a story that can’t manage enough twists to tie a shoelace, and set pieces that have been done better in other movies. – A.O. Scott, New York Times

Poster – Sheeples

(Striking. I gotta say I kinda dig it for a “big star” style poster. Stylish up top and then pops at the bottom with Las Vegas lights. Couple quibbles. The font is horrific of course. Also, the glove he’s wearing is distracting. B.)

Tagline(s) – Don’t judge a cop by his cover. (A+++)

(Ooooooohhhhhhh shit. Clear out the way cause Sleepless is driving down the lane for a windmill dunk. With no regard for human life. This is what I live for! Don’t judge a cop by his cover. I have chills. My word.)

Keyword(s) – European Remake

Top 10: 12 Monkeys (1995), The Italian Job (2003), Insomnia (2002), Scent of a Woman (1992), Clash of the Titans (2010), Some Like It Hot (1959), Vanilla Sky (2001), True Lies (1994), Dawn of the Dead (2004), The Tourist (2010)

Future BMT: 54.5 Eye of the Beholder (1999), 54.0 Downhill (2020), 49.2 The Omen (2006), 47.1 Nine Months (1995), 44.8 Catch That Kid (2004), 44.4 Brick Mansions (2014), 43.1 Diabolique (1996), 43.0 Village of the Damned (1995), 41.8 I Think I Love My Wife (2007), 41.2 Clash of the Titans (2010)

BMT: The Wicker Man (2006), Taxi (2004), The Haunting (1999), Get Carter (2000), Jungle 2 Jungle (1997), Pathfinder (2007), Fathers’ Day (1997), The Big Wedding (2013), Sleepless (2017), The Blue Lagoon (1980), School for Scoundrels (2006), Blame It on Rio (1984), Vanilla Sky (2001)

Best Options (Action): 44.8 Catch That Kid (2004), 44.4 Brick Mansions (2014), 43.1 Sleepless (2017), 41.2 Clash of the Titans (2010), 34.2 The Tourist (2010), 32.9 Memory (2022), 21.6 The Jackal (1997), 20.6 Three Fugitives (1989)

(So we aren’t doing Catch That Kid, which would have been a good choice in general. But we are doing Brick Mansions soon, it ended up being a very rare future-set European remake. Cruising along. It is kind of amazing we aren’t doing Eye of the Beholder this cycle (we were very close, but chose a different thriller.)

Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 14) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Jamie Foxx is No. 1 billed in Sleepless and No. 2 billed in Toys, which also stars LL Cool J (No. 6 billed) who is in Rollerball (No. 2 billed) which also stars Chris Klein (No. 1 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 2 billed) => (1 + 2) + (6 + 2) + (1 + 2) = 14. If we were to watch Jack, and The Glass House we can get the HoE Number down to 11.

Notes – In an interview on 5/23/17 The Howard Stern Show SiriusXm. Howard Stern asks Jamie which film of his is hardest for him to watch. Jamie recognizes that (Sleepless 2017) as the hardest film for him to watch. Jamie Fox: “Sleepless was a motherfu**a.”

Remake of the French-Belgian movie Sleepless Night (2011) (“Sleepless Night”).

English-language debut of Swiss director Baran bo Odar.

Fathers’ Day Preview

“I don’t understand, what did we do?” Jamie says, scratching his head, “You just crushed the two Time Cops that were about to kill us.” Lou Cash is startled, but when he looks down to see the crushed remains of the Time Cops he waves it off as irrelevant. “Fiddle-faddle. You were about to do a sick twin forward flip and knock the guns out of their hands anyway. The point is you made it here, exactly when and where I landed my fully functional deconvolution machine.” Jamie and Patrick and the gang shrug and high five. Jamie and Patrick have been known to kick guns out of their enemies’ hands with twin forward flips from time to time. So it tracks. But just before they all pile into the time machine Patrick stops and turns back to Lou Cash. Something is bothering him. “Lou Cash… how did you know to come here?” Lou Cash shakes his head. “My dear boy, it’s because I was one of the Time Cops and I have the scar to prove it.” He pulls up his sleeve and there is a perfect twin kick scar on his wrist. Now something is really bothering Jamie, “But then didn’t you just crush yourself?” Lou Cash looks back at the crushed Time Cops and shrugs. “Guess I did.” Jamie looks concerned, “And that’s not a problem?” Lou Cash thinks for a second, looks down at his hand, which has now started to fade, and agrees that it probably is a problem. As he disappears he lets out one last “Never forget meeeeee.” Finally piling into the time machine, a somber mood now hanging in the air, both Jamie and Patrick gasp when they see the date punched into the console: Father’s Day, 2017. That’s right! We’re watching the very appropriately punctuated Fathers’ Day from 1997 starring Billy Crystal and Robin Williams. It’s based on a French film and something must have been… lost in translation. Let’s go!

Fathers’ Day (1997) – BMeTric: 49.7; Notability: 62

StreetCreditReport.com – BMeTric: top 8.8%; Notability: top 3.2%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 21.6%; Higher BMeT: Batman & Robin, Mortal Kombat: Annihilation, Speed 2: Cruise Control, Home Alone 3, Steel, Anaconda, Mr. Magoo, Double Team, Turbo: A Power Rangers Movie, Chairman of the Board, Spawn, Flubber, Honey, We Shrunk Ourselves!, An American Werewolf in Paris, Jungle 2 Jungle, Fire Down Below, Turbulence, Gone Fishin’, McHale’s Navy, The Pest, and 2 more; Higher Notability: Batman & Robin, The Saint, Speed 2: Cruise Control, Dante’s Peak, The Jackal, Flubber, The Postman, Spawn; Lower RT: Fall, Plump Fiction, The Blackout, McHale’s Navy, Shadow Conspiracy, Gone Fishin’, Mortal Kombat: Annihilation, The Pest, Speed 2: Cruise Control, ‘Til There Was You, An American Werewolf in Paris, Mr. Magoo, An Alan Smithee Film: Burn Hollywood Burn, Dangerous Ground, The Postman, 8 Heads in a Duffel Bag, Keys to Tulsa, Double Team, How to Be a Player, Steel, and 31 more; Notes: Really impressive numbers for a comedy. So many high Notability films left from 1997. The Saint is a pretty exciting one, I think that it is a sneaky good film.

Leonard Maltin – 2 stars –  When her 16-year-old son runs away, a desperate Kinski tells each of two ex-lovers that he’s the real father, hoping that this will spur one of them to find the boy. The two men – a genuine odd couple – wind up working together on this daunting task. Lackluster remake of Francis Veber’s Les Comperes gets whatever mileage it has from the two comic stars’ personalities … but the boy is extremely dislikable, and a subplot with his stepfather (Greenwood) is a complete misfire.

(Man, does Greenwood play a Bad Dad again in this film? He plays a Good Dad in Here on Earth, but he’s definitely a Bad Dad in Endless Love. So he’s a Mixed Dad Bag.)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xsQfKt08Xlk/

(The montage with Williams looks horrible. And yup, there is Sugar Ray front and center. Makes me want to go see this movie, probably for the wrong reasons though.)

Directors – Ivan Reitman – ( Known For: Ghostbusters; No Strings Attached; Kindergarten Cop; Meatballs; Evolution; Ghostbusters II; Twins; Stripes; Draft Day; Dave; Cannibal Girls; Legal Eagles; Foxy Lady; Future BMT: Six Days Seven Nights; Junior; My Super Ex-Girlfriend; BMT: Fathers’ Day; Notes: Died just this year. Was nominated for an Oscar for Up in the Air, and for an Emmy for the television movie The Late Shift.)

Writers – Francis Veber – ( Known For: The Valet; The Birdcage; Dinner for Schmucks; The Valet; The Man with One Red Shoe; Le Dîner de Cons; La Cage aux Folles; Buddy Buddy; The Tall Blond Man with One Black Shoe; Ruby & Quentin; The Closet; La Chèvre; Partners; The Fugitives; Le Magnifique; The Toy; Hold-Up; The ComDads; The Jaguar; A Pain in the Ass; Future BMT: The Toy; My Father the Hero; Three Fugitives; Pure Luck; BMT: Fathers’ Day; Notes: Was nominated for an Oscar for La Cage aux folles. He has had 12 of his films remade as American films. That’s what I like to see for this cycle!)

Lowell Ganz – ( Known For: A League of Their Own; Robots; Splash; Parenthood; City Slickers; Night Shift; Fever Pitch; Multiplicity; Edtv; Forget Paris; Mr. Saturday Night; Future BMT: Where the Heart Is; Tooth Fairy; Spies Like Us; Gung Ho; Vibes; Greedy; City Slickers II: The Legend of Curly’s Gold; BMT: Fathers’ Day; Notes: Nominated for an Oscar for Splash. Basically his entire family is in entertainment (his three children, brother, and two cousins). His son created Santa Clara Diet.)

Babaloo Mandel – ( Known For: A League of Their Own; Robots; Splash; Parenthood; City Slickers; Night Shift; Fever Pitch; Multiplicity; Edtv; Forget Paris; Mr. Saturday Night; Future BMT: Where the Heart Is; Tooth Fairy; Spies Like Us; Gung Ho; Vibes; Greedy; City Slickers II: The Legend of Curly’s Gold; BMT: Fathers’ Day; Razzie Notes: Winner for Worst Screenplay for The Flintstones in 1995; Notes: Writing partner of Ganz. They are going to get some play soon since the A League of Their Own television series is coming out.)

Actors – Robin Williams – ( Known For: Good Will Hunting; Dead Poets Society; Jumanji; Aladdin; One Hour Photo; Mrs. Doubtfire; To Wong Foo, Thanks for Everything! Julie Newmar; The Birdcage; Night at the Museum; Robots; Popeye; A.I. Artificial Intelligence; Good Morning, Vietnam; Awakenings; Insomnia; The Butler; Night at the Museum: Battle of the Smithsonian; Night at the Museum: Secret of the Tomb; Dead Again; What Dreams May Come; Future BMT: Hook; Jack; RV; Patch Adams; August Rush; Bicentennial Man; Flubber; Nine Months; The Night Listener; Man of the Year; The Best of Times; Club Paradise; The Survivors; Jakob the Liar; BMT: The Big Wedding; Fathers’ Day; Old Dogs; Toys; License to Wed; Razzie Notes: Nominee for Worst Actor in 2000 for Bicentennial Man, and Jakob the Liar; and Nominee for Worst Supporting Actor for Death to Smoochy in 2003; Notes: Nominated for three Best Actor Oscars, ended up winning for Supporting actor in Good Will Hunting. Also nominated for 9 Emmys and won twice. Died in 2014.)

Billy Crystal – ( Known For: The Princess Bride; Cars; When Harry Met Sally…; Monsters, Inc.; Howl’s Moving Castle; This Is Spinal Tap; Monsters University; City Slickers; Analyze This; Here Today; Hamlet; I’m Still Here; Throw Momma from the Train; The Adventures of Rocky & Bullwinkle; Running Scared; Deconstructing Harry; Forget Paris; Mr. Saturday Night; Standing Up, Falling Down; Untogether; Future BMT: Parental Guidance; Tooth Fairy; America’s Sweethearts; Analyze That; The Comedian; My Giant; City Slickers II: The Legend of Curly’s Gold; BMT: Fathers’ Day; Razzie Notes: Nominee for Worst Remake or Sequel for City Slickers II: The Legend of Curly’s Gold in 1995; Notes: If I’m counting right he’s been nominated for 23 Emmys and won six times. Naturally a few of those times were for hosting the Oscars, which he was famous for in the early 90s. He is 74 years old.)

Julia Louis-Dreyfus – ( Known For: Black Widow; A Bug’s Life; Onward; Christmas Vacation; Enough Said; Hannah and Her Sisters; Deconstructing Harry; Future BMT: Planes; Downhill; Soul Man; Jack the Bear; BMT: Fathers’ Day; Troll; North; Razzie Notes: Nominee for Worst Supporting Actress for Fathers’ Day in 1998; Notes: Was nominated for 27 Emmys and won 11 times, mostly for acting/writing in Seinfeld, The New Adventures of Old Christine, and Veep, her three major television hits. Her father is a billionaire, and by extension so is she, but she hasn’t done so poorly for herself.)

Budget/Gross – $85 million / Domestic: $28,598,376 (Worldwide: $28,598,376)

(Terrible. It is a little confusing as to how this film could have cost so much, but then again, a chunk of it takes place are a genuine Sugar Ray concert, so it is possible that filming in Reno and throwing a giant fake concert with a real band could have contributed to the inflated budget. Also, just look at the cast and crew, every single one was nominated or won an Emmy or Oscar, so they really didn’t hold back in putting this film together.)

Rotten Tomatoes – 25% (15/61): A maudlin misfire, Father’s Day manages the difficult task of making Billy Crystal and Robin Williams woefully unfunny.

(So I can lend some insight here having watched both the original and remake at this point. So the issue was they just reused most of the jokes from the original without really thinking through adapting the movie to the two leads. The film is immediately funnier if you just let Billy Crystal be Billy Crystal and Robin Williams be Robin Williams. Instead they aren’t.)

Reviewer Highlight: Add to these problems the fact that Fathers’ Day is a comedy starring two reputedly hilarious people who don’t make you laugh once, and you have a movie that would be great if everything about it weren’t terrible. – Keith Phipps, AV Club

Poster – Baldurs’ Gate

(Oh deary me, no. If this were a film about two friends, one a buttoned up family man with three kids and the other a man child who just knocked up his girlfriend, who go on a road trip so that Billy Crystal can help Robin Williams prepare to be a father (but perhaps learn a little bit more about themselves than they bargained for) then this poster makes sense. Otherwise it’s just a big red flag. Nice font though. C-.)

Tagline(s) – All she said was “My son is yours.” Unfortunately, she said it to both of them. (D)

(Yes, that’s the plot of the film. Unfortunately it’s not a tagline.)

Keyword(s) – European Remake

Top 10: 12 Monkeys (1995), The Italian Job (2003), Insomnia (2002), Scent of a Woman (1992), Clash of the Titans (2010), Some Like It Hot (1959), Vanilla Sky (2001), True Lies (1994), Dawn of the Dead (2004), The Tourist (2010)

Future BMT: 54.5 Eye of the Beholder (1999), 54.0 Downhill (2020), 49.2 The Omen (2006), 47.1 Nine Months (1995), 44.8 Catch That Kid (2004), 44.4 Brick Mansions (2014), 43.1 Diabolique (1996), 43.1 Sleepless (2017), 43.0 Village of the Damned (1995), 41.8 I Think I Love My Wife (2007)

BMT: The Wicker Man (2006), Taxi (2004), The Haunting (1999), Get Carter (2000), Jungle 2 Jungle (1997), Pathfinder (2007), Fathers’ Day (1997), The Big Wedding (2013), The Blue Lagoon (1980), School for Scoundrels (2006), Blame It on Rio (1984), Vanilla Sky (2001)

Best Options (Comedy): 54.0 Downhill (2020), 49.5 Fathers’ Day (1997), 47.1 Nine Months (1995), 44.8 Catch That Kid (2004), 41.8 I Think I Love My Wife (2007), 41.2 Mixed Nuts (1994), 37.9 My Father the Hero (1994), 36.8 Just Visiting (2001), 34.6 Mad Money (2008), 31.4 The Toy (1982), 29.7 The Woman in Red (1984), 26.3 Pure Luck (1991), 24.4 The Man Who Loved Women (1983), 22.5 Once Upon a Crime… (1992), 20.7 The Associate (1996), 20.6 Three Fugitives (1989), 17.2 Oscar (1991)

(So yeah, Downhill was available, but I’ve heard mostly mixed things about it instead of it actually being bad. I’m a bit shocked at how few we’ve done in the end. Looking through the ones we have done I mostly haven’t seen the original. I saw the original Haunting, Get Carter, and Jungle 2 Jungle. I think that is it. Lots of British remakes in there as well, whereas in this cycle we are mostly doing French films.)

Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 12) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Bruce Greenwood is No. 6 billed in Fathers’ Day and No. 6 billed in Here on Earth, => (6 + 6) = 12. If we were to watch Jack, and The Glass House we can get the HoE Number down to 8.

Notes – As a cross-promotion, Warner Brothers had Robin Williams and Billy Crystal make guest appearances in Friends (1994). (It is the one with the ultimate fighting championship, I remember this actually, they take the spot in the cafe that the titular friends usually occupy for a scene)

The concert was filmed at a park in Los Angeles. The scene took three days to film, and involved playing the same song over and over for all three days. To show the energy of the crowd, the extras had to cheer and “rock” to the music. On the first day everyone was up, yelling, jumping and punching their fists in the air, but by day three, most were too tired to even lift their arms, and many just remained seated.

During the filming of the concert scene, Robin Williams took a break and walked into the bleachers, where he entertained the extras who gathered around him.

Before appearing in this film, Robin Williams and Billy Crystal were already a well-known comedy duo, thanks to their work on HBO’s Comic Relief. The original French film, on which this is based, The ComDads (1983), also features a well-known comedy team: Pierre Richard and Gérard Depardieu.

Billy Crystal’s character hates mimes in this movie. In This is Spinal Tap (1984), he played a mime (who was also in charge of other mimes).

One of two 1997 films to star Robin Williams, Billy Crystal, and Julia Louis-Dreyfus, the other being Woody Allen’s Deconstructing Harry (1997).

While shooting the scene in which Dale and Jack remove Scott’s shoes and socks, Robin Williams and Billy Crystal discovered that Charlie Hofheimer was extremely ticklish on the soles of his feet. Robin Williams and Billy Crystal could not resist tickling Charlie Hofheimer’s bare feet, and they continually ruined the scene by tickling him. Charlie could not handle the tickling and wanted to quit. Ivan Reitman had to talk him into staying so that they could finally shoot the scene.

The apartment where Dale (Robin Williams) lives in San Francisco is the same one used in Mrs Doubtfire (1993).

Awards – Nominee for the Razzie Award for Worst Supporting Actress (Julia Louis-Dreyfus, 1998)

School for Scoundrels (2006) Preview

Jamie, Patrick and the rest of the team backflip their way into the Fortress. Halfway through his third backflip, however, Patrick notices something is off. “Stop! Stop backflipping!” he yells and once everyone is reoriented they notice the same thing. The halls of the school building are completely empty. Their steps ring out in the empty hallways until they finally reach a set of heavy steel doors. Jamie and Patrick fling them open, instantly bathes in an eerie blue light emanating from the doorway. They gasp. They find themselves in the ethereal beauty of a submarine pen. A submarine pen? On the grounds of the school? But why? Suddenly they begin to hear the cracking sounds of slow clapping and from behind the submarine emerges Jamie and Patrick themselves. But it can’t be, can it? “No, my sweet Bad Movie Twins, you haven’t been betrayed by yourselves. We have won!” the Jamie double cackles, before they both pull off their latex masks. Jamie and Patrick aren’t surprised to see it’s actually two Mikey Time Cops. The Time Cops pull their guns and laugh maniacally, but Jamie and Patrick just smirk. “Sure, sure, you’re gonna shoot,” Patrick says before they both theatrically motion for one of them to kick the other in the testicles. And yet nothing happens. “Oh shit,” Jamie mutters, “are you both bad Mikey Time Cops?” They nod, confused as to what else they would be. This looks like the end for our heroes. But wait! Suddenly there is a loud pop and from a hole in the sky a large machine falls and crushes the bad Mikey’s. Out from the steaming time machine walks Lou Cash. “You did it you scoundrels!” he screams, much to the delight and confusion of everyone there. That’s right! We are watching School for Scoundrels as a transition to the next cycle: Films adapted from European films a.k.a. Merde. We got so very close to getting a roster of all French films, but could resist a couple out of the box. So let’s sit back and enjoy School for Scoundrels adapted from the 1960 British film, School for Scoundrels. Let’s go! 

School for Scoundrels (2006) – BMeTric: 33.2; Notability: 55

StreetCreditReport.com – BMeTric: top 24.8%; Notability: top 8.0%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 27.1%; Higher BMeT: Date Movie, The Wicker Man, Ultraviolet, Pledge This!, Little Man, Basic Instinct 2, Material Girls, Zoom, Big Momma’s House 2, The Santa Clause 3: The Escape Clause, Black Christmas, The Marine, The Shaggy Dog, DOA: Dead or Alive, Pulse, Phat Girlz, Eragon, Scary Movie 4, The Grudge 2, Van Wilder: The Rise of Taj, and 42 more; Higher Notability: Poseidon, The Wild, The Da Vinci Code, Eragon, Scary Movie 4, The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift, Happily N’Ever After, Click, The Pink Panther, Smokin’ Aces, The Guardian, The Black Dahlia, The Santa Clause 3: The Escape Clause, Garfield: A Tail of Two Kitties, Zoom, The Shaggy Dog, A Good Year, Lady in the Water, Factory Girl, All the King’s Men; Lower RT: The Contract, Kiss Me Again, Karla, Pledge This!, Material Girls, Happily N’Ever After, The Covenant, Zoom, Big Momma’s House 2, Deck the Halls, Basic Instinct 2, Date Movie, Van Wilder: The Rise of Taj, Gray Matters, Ultraviolet, When a Stranger Calls, See No Evil, Annapolis, Stay Alive, Pulse, and 47 more; Notes: Way higher IMDb rating that I expected, but sticking nicely below/around 6.0. The Notability is off the chain though! Solid for a comedy.

Leonard Maltin – 2 stars –  Nerdy guy who lets people step all over him is recruited by a mysterious entrepreneur who runs a class for worms in need of turning. But our would-be hero isn’t prepared for his “teacher” to start playing dirty tricks on him. Most contemporary comedies are too crude for our taste, but this one is terminally bland and never takes off as it repeatedly promises to do. Remake of the 1960 British comedy.

(Interesting. I think if this is made today it is probably very heartfelt, while also being crude (but in a way that teaches the hero that it is worth it not to be, you know?). I am surprised though, I would have figured this was just the right year to have a horrible no-good remake of a film like School for Scoundrels that aged horribly.)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jh-nQKB8fwg/

(A hard r in the trailer itself really is a bold move. The mid-00s were a wild time. Also the film looks aggressively not funny.)

Directors – Todd Phillips – ( Known For: Joker; The Hangover; War Dogs; Road Trip; Old School; Starsky & Hutch; Future BMT: The Hangover Part II; Due Date; The Hangover Part III; BMT: School for Scoundrels; Notes: Apparently he originally directed Borat, but quit due to creative differences with Cohen.)

Writers – Todd Phillips – ( Known For: Joker; War Dogs; Road Trip; Old School; Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan; Starsky & Hutch; Future BMT: The Hangover Part II; Due Date; The Hangover Part III; BMT: School for Scoundrels; Notes: Nominated for four Oscars, three for Joker, and one for the original Borat.)

Scot Armstrong – ( Known For: Road Trip; Old School; Starsky & Hutch; Search Party; Future BMT: The Heartbreak Kid; The Hangover Part II; Semi-Pro; BMT: School for Scoundrels; Notes: Wrote some sort of remake of Problem Child? There isn’t even a poster on IMDb, so I can’t even make fun of that.)

Hal E. Chester – ( Known For: Curse of the Demon; School for Scoundrels; The Weapon; Crashout; Joe Palooka, Champ; Gentleman Joe Palooka; BMT: School for Scoundrels; Notes: Wrote the original. Was uncredited here, which is interesting since he was somehow still alive when this was made! He was 85 years old.)

Patricia Moyes – ( Known For: School for Scoundrels; BMT: School for Scoundrels; Notes: Irish, and similarly wrote the original. Died in 2000, so didn’t get to see this made.)

Stephen Potter – ( Known For: School for Scoundrels; The Shipbuilders; BMT: School for Scoundrels; Notes: Wrote the original novels that the original film was based on. Obviously wasn’t alive for this film, he would have been 106. That would have been a trick. He died in 1969.)

Actors – Billy Bob Thornton – ( Known For: Tombstone; Love Actually; Princess Mononoke; Blood In, Blood Out; Monster’s Ball; Friday Night Lights; Sling Blade; The Judge; Puss in Boots; Dead Man; The Informers; A Simple Plan; The Baytown Outlaws; U Turn; Faster; The Man Who Wasn’t There; Bad Santa; Intolerable Cruelty; Parkland; Whiskey Tango Foxtrot; Future BMT: London Fields; Indecent Proposal; Entourage; Eagle Eye; Our Brand Is Crisis; The Alamo; Bad Santa 2; BMT: Armageddon; Going Overboard; On Deadly Ground; School for Scoundrels; Mr. Woodcock; Notes: From Arkansas, won an Oscar for writing Sling Blade. Has been married six times, including to Angelina Jolie famously.)

Jon Heder – ( Known For: Napoleon Dynamite; Just Like Heaven; Blades of Glory; Monster House; Surf’s Up; Reality; The Sasquatch Gang; Walt Before Mickey; Mama’s Boy; For Ellen; Life Happens; Christmas Eve; Ghost Team; Weepah Way for Now; Bling; Legend of Kung Fu Rabbit; The Tiger Hunter; Unexpected Race; The Little Penguin Pororo’s Racing Adventure; Moving McAllister; BMT: The Benchwarmers; When in Rome; School for Scoundrels; Notes: Became famous for Napoleon Dynamite. Does a lot of voice acting these days.)

Jacinda Barrett – ( Known For: The Last Kiss; Hide and Seek; Middle Men; New York, I Love You; The Human Stain; The Namesake; Ladder 49; Campfire Tales; Ripley Under Ground; Seven in Heaven; Matching Jack; So B. It; BMT: Poseidon; Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason; Urban Legends: Final Cut; School for Scoundrels; Notes: From Australia, and was on the fourth season of The Real World, which took place in London. Hasn’t done much since the show Bloodline ended in 2017.)

Budget/Gross – $35,000,000 / Domestic: $17,807,569 (Worldwide: $24,470,583)

(Not great at all. And given the absurdly stacked comedy cast this film sports, that budget makes perfect sense.)

Rotten Tomatoes – 26% (36/138): School for Scoundrels squanders its talented cast with a formulaic, unfocused attempt at a romantic comedy that’s neither romantic nor funny.

(A talented cast indeed. Just watch the trailer. David Cross, Paul Sheer, Matt Walsh, etc.! It is crazy good.)

Reviewer Highlight: It feels as if director Phillips was scrounging desperately for morsels with comic potential and came up empty-handed. – Claudia Puig, USA Today

Poster – Howls for Hooligans

(Wow, that’s a bad poster. Like F level bad. Funny cause that’s not typically the poster I think of for the film, but sometimes it’s difficult to figure what was really used to advertise. There are so many words. But fine, the font has a little vim and vigor so it’s a D.)

Tagline(s) – Too nice? Too honest? Too you? Help is on the way. (B)

(It’s too long, but otherwise it’s actually not bad in concept. Like it’s got a rule of three in there. Also it is a little clever curveball. All good things and then saying don’t worry, this asshole will help you. Just needed to figure out a way to tighten it up and make it flow.)

Keyword(s) – dimension

Top 10: Sin City (2005), Spectre (2015), The Others (2001), Scream (1996), Equilibrium (2002), From Dusk Till Dawn (1996), The Mist (2007), Death Proof (2007), 1408 (2007), Scary Movie (2000)

Future BMT: 86.6 The Adventures of Sharkboy and Lavagirl 3-D (2005), 82.8 Spy Kids 4: All the Time in the World (2011), 77.5 Who’s Your Caddy? (2007), 77.0 Superhero Movie (2008), 70.1 Black Christmas (2006), 68.6 Pulse (2006), 66.9 The Crow: City of Angels (1996), 64.9 Scary Movie 4 (2006), 61.8 Cursed (2005), 59.0 Apollo 18 (2011)

BMT: Scary Movie V (2013), Halloween: Resurrection (2002), Highlander: The Final Dimension (1994), Halloween II (2009), Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers (1995), My Boss’s Daughter (2003), Highlander: Endgame (2000), Dracula 2000 (2000), Hellraiser: Bloodline (1996), Air Bud: Golden Receiver (1998), Phantoms (1998), Boys and Girls (2000), Texas Rangers (2001), Reindeer Games (2000), Halloween (2007), School for Scoundrels (2006), Fortress (1992), Senseless (1998), Impostor (2001), Mindhunters (2004)

Best Options (European Remake): 33.2 School for Scoundrels (2006)

(Oh yeah! The only one available baby! Indeed we had to move School for Scoundrels from the comedy spot because it needed to be here. It is a bit insane just how many Dimension films we have left. We could almost make a whole new cycle from it … might be missing a romance. Unclear.)

Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 13) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Michael Clarke Duncan is No. 5 billed in School for Scoundrels and No. 4 billed in Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li, which also stars Chris Klein (No. 2 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 2 billed) => (5 + 4) + (2 + 2) = 13. There is no shorter path at the moment.

Notes – Ben Stiller’s cameo was shot in two days in California because he was unable to fly to New York for filming, due to a scheduling conflict.

Director Todd Phillips first offered the lead role to Howard Stern (Phillips is a big Stern fan), but Stern had to turn it down because he was about to leave terrestrial radio for satellite radio and did not have the time to film a movie. The role eventually went to Billy Bob Thornton.

Diego (Horatio Sanz) says, “Things are going to change, I can feel it,” quoting Beck’s song, “Loser.”

Aziz Ansari’s unnamed character’s only dialogue is a short scene with fellow classmate Ernie (Jon Glaser). The two actors would later have major roles in NBC’s “Parks and Recreation” as Tom Haverford and Councilman Jeremy Jamm respectively.

To date, this is Todd Phillips’s only movie that isn’t distributed by DreamWorks or Warner Bros.

Dr. P’s rules “From the Bar to your Bed” are: Be dangerous, it’s cool. No compliments, *ever*. Always get the girl alone. Wherever you are, the place is lame! Relate to her. Lie, lie, and lie some more. (Gross)

Fortress Preview

“No, no, no, this is a mistake,” Jamie pleads as Kyle approaches with a glint in his eye suggesting he’s ready to pound some dweebs. “Who are you?” he yells, gripping Jamie by the collar. “Stop it, Kyle,” Patrick says calmly, “Think of everything you’ve gone through? When you were tracking our path through time, what did you find?” Kyle’s grip loosens as he remembers. “It was… better. You were making things better,” he says, breathing heavily. “That’s right,” Jamie continues, rubbing his neck and taking a step back, “and if we were these other twins, or whatever, why would we have come here? They are clearly hiding. Whoever these other twins are, they are the imposters. We are the Bad Movie Twins.” Kyle nods and they share a triple bro hug. Tears streaming down their faces they turn to Rachel and ask that she show them exactly what they are dealing with. An hour later, wearing the patented BMT black canadian tuxedos they designed for just such a situation (and they never leave home without them), they peer over a small hill at the lakeside Hallston Academy compound. Rachel wasn’t kidding. Armed guards, search lights, barbed wire, oil slicks, tacks, guard dogs, robot guard dogs, laser drones, half-cyborg bears, several hornet nests filled with specially trained hornets, several other hornet nests filled with regular hornets, you name it. “This isn’t a compound, this is a gosh darn fortress,” Jamie mutters, “And you know what a fortress needs?” Kyle, Patrick and Jamie all say it at once and without an ounce of irony: “Teamwork, yeah!” Searching the town, they not only find LePumice and Ty, they also conveniently find a couple more black jeans suits. With that Jamie pulls out one of his classic catchphrases, “Fortress schmortress.” That’s right, we’re watching another Christopher Lambert classic in Fortress. A high-tech futuristic prison that Lambert has to escape from? Say no more. Seriously shut your mouth, I’m busy watching this high-tech prison movie. Oh, I guess we do have to mention that we are pairing this with the amazing looking Lambert vehicle Beowulf. Fun fact, this was the first english language film adaptation of Beowulf. For real. Let’s go!

Fortress (1992) – BMeTric: 33.1; Notability: 22

StreetCreditReport.com – BMeTric: top 10.0%; Notability: top 21.6%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 26.4%; Higher BMeT: Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot, Body of Evidence, Cool World, Pet Sematary II, Toys, Children of the Corn II: The Final Sacrifice, 3 Ninjas, The Lawnmower Man, Sleepwalkers, Sidekicks, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Freejack, Tom and Jerry: The Movie, Beethoven, Aces: Iron Eagle III, Evil Toons, Ladybugs, Dr. Giggles, Christopher Columbus: The Discovery, Encino Man, and 5 more; Higher Notability: Toys, Cool World, Newsies, Home Alone 2: Lost in New York, Freejack, Tom and Jerry: The Movie, The Bodyguard, Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot, Memoirs of an Invisible Man, Innocent Blood, Universal Soldier, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, This Is My Life, Encino Man, The Mighty Ducks, Radio Flyer, The Distinguished Gentleman, Kuffs, Mom and Dad Save the World, Man Trouble, and 34 more; Lower RT: Once Upon a Crime…, Folks!, Year of the Comet, Live Wire, Love Crimes, Frozen Assets, Cool World, Man Trouble, Christopher Columbus: The Discovery, The Opposite Sex and How to Live with Them, Body of Evidence, Mom and Dad Save the World, Claire of the Moon, Passed Away, Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot, Ladybugs, Mr. Baseball, The Distinguished Gentleman, The Gun in Betty Lou’s Handbag, Tom and Jerry: The Movie, and 41 more; Notes: Ah that’s more like it. After a few crazy high Notability films in a row, 22 is just about what I would expect for this. Just a little push to get this to 6.0 and it’ll basically be “average”.

Leonard Maltin – 1.5 stars –  Husband and wife flee futuristic society (which forbids them from having a second child) because she is pregnant again. They’re captured and sent to a high-tech maximum security prison run by the sadistic warden. (Is there another kind?) Intriguing premise is sabotaged by weak acting and a weaker script. Incredible international success resulted in a sequel.

(Yeah I could see that. All of the notes are about how everything was looking promising and awesome for a bit, and then all of the money disappeared and you got a borderline straight-to-video release in the end.)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3U6oLx3xy8s/

(Ha, halfway to hell. God I love cheesy sci-fi nonsense. Combine that with a future prison filled with robots? Forget about it. Leonard Maltin is a fool, this movie must be great!)

Directors – Stuart Gordon – ( Known For: Re-Animator; From Beyond; Dagon; Dolls; Space Truckers; The Pit and the Pendulum; Robot Jox; Edmond; King of the Ants; Stuck; The Wonderful Ice Cream Suit; BMT: Fortress; Notes: Well known for producing H. P. Lovecraft adaptations on a small budget. He is known for casting Jeffrey Combs in films, and this is no exception.)

Writers – Troy Neighbors – ( Known For: Fortress 2: Re-Entry; BMT: Fortress; Notes: He was the casting director for Enemy Mine. He gets character credits for the sequel, so I assume he wrote the original script.)

Steven Feinberg – ( Known For: Fortress 2: Re-Entry; BMT: Fortress; Notes: His biography claims he produced Moonrise Kingdom, but IMDb suggests he got a “grateful acknowledgment”. He has a crazy number of “grateful acknowledgement”s. He’s still getting them. He has a “thanks” for Hocus Pocus 2 coming out this year.)

David Venable – ( BMT: Fortress; Notes: He’s written a few TV Movies, but otherwise this is his only feature film. He wrote a single episode of SeaQuest 2032.)

Terry Curtis Fox – ( BMT: Fortress; Notes: Almost exclusively wrote for television including JAG, Stargate SG-1, and Diagnosis Murder.)

Actors – Christopher Lambert – ( Known For: Highlander; Hail, Caesar!; Southland Tales; Greystoke: The Legend of Tarzan, Lord of the Apes; Kickboxer: Retaliation; Resurrection; Subway; Beowulf; The Sicilian; Knight Moves; Bel Canto; Sobibor; White Material; Fortress 2: Re-Entry; Un + Une; Why Me?; Nirvana; Druids; North Star; The Point Men; Future BMT: Loaded Weapon 1; The Hunted; Gunmen; BMT: Mortal Kombat; Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance; Highlander II: The Quickening; Fortress; Highlander: Endgame; Highlander: The Final Dimension; Notes: Lambert is French, although born in America and raised in Switzerland as his father was a diplomat. By all accounts a great guy, at least on the set of Mortal Kombat, and still acting with 10 projects in a state of production.)

Loryn Locklin – ( Known For: Catch Me If You Can; Denial; Future BMT: Taking Care of Business; BMT: Fortress; Notes: She was on JAG for six years, after which is seems like she retired.)

Kurtwood Smith – ( Known For: A Time to Kill; Girl, Interrupted; Dead Poets Society; RoboCop; Deep Impact; To Die For; Turbo; Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country; Broken Arrow; Hitchcock; Boxing Helena; Cedar Rapids; Last of the Dogmen; Heart and Souls; Amityville: The Awakening; Quick Change; El Camino Christmas; Citizen Ruth; Prefontaine; Shadows and Fog; Future BMT: Firestarter; The Crush; Under Siege 2: Dark Territory; Staying Alive; Oscar; BMT: Rambo III; Fortress; Notes: Most people probably know him for either That 70s Show or RoboCop. He’s in That 90s Show as well, which is coming out soon.)

Budget/Gross – $8,000,000 / Domestic: $6,739,141 (Worldwide: $6,739,141)

(Sources claim that it did well internationally, but I guess I don’t really trust Box Office Mojo prior to around 2000 completely. Could also just mean it did well on television and home video though.)

Rotten Tomatoes – 38% (6/16)

(Fact: I don’t think this is qualifying in a year or so. I think someone will give it a good review and then eventually it’ll settle at like 44% or something and never get close again. The consensus is basically: Fun with a unique look the problem with the movie is just that it is kind of a bummer.)

Reviewer Highlight: Even the requisite gore is sub-par, so it’s not even neat when some poor sap explodes and his entrails whiz by. Perhaps Gordon should go back to mining H.P. Lovecraft’s territory. – Marc Savlov, Austin Chronicle

Poster – Fortress Schmortress

(Hahaha. Nope. That could honestly be the poster for any Christopher Lambert film. I’m not even really sure what they were trying to do. At least it has a color scheme and the gradient on the font is OK. C-.)

Tagline(s) – In the year 2017 one corporation is building a fortress for the ultimate takeover… your mind. (F)

(What thuuuuu. I don’t know what any of that means or really what it has to do with the film Fortress. They are not doing that. They are building a fortress as a prison.)

Keyword(s) – dimension

Top 10: Sin City (2005), Spectre (2015), The Others (2001), Scream (1996), Equilibrium (2002), From Dusk Till Dawn (1996), The Mist (2007), Death Proof (2007), 1408 (2007), Scary Movie (2000)

Future BMT: 86.6 The Adventures of Sharkboy and Lavagirl 3-D (2005), 82.8 Spy Kids 4: All the Time in the World (2011), 77.5 Who’s Your Caddy? (2007), 77.0 Superhero Movie (2008), 70.1 Black Christmas (2006), 68.6 Pulse (2006), 66.9 The Crow: City of Angels (1996), 64.9 Scary Movie 4 (2006), 61.8 Cursed (2005), 59.0 Apollo 18 (2011)

BMT: Scary Movie V (2013), Halloween: Resurrection (2002), Highlander: The Final Dimension (1994), Halloween II (2009), Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers (1995), My Boss’s Daughter (2003), Highlander: Endgame (2000), Dracula 2000 (2000), Hellraiser: Bloodline (1996), Air Bud: Golden Receiver (1998), Phantoms (1998), Boys and Girls (2000), Texas Rangers (2001), Reindeer Games (2000), Halloween (2007), Fortress (1992), Senseless (1998), Impostor (2001), Mindhunters (2004)

Best Options (Christopher Lambert): 33.0 Fortress (1992), 30.5 Gunmen (1993)

(Phew. Not that Gunman looks terrible, it looks pretty amusing. We chose this first and then went for Lambert’s best non-theatrical release for Dimension. There aren’t that many people who made multiple Dimension films and less that made both theatrical and non-theatrical, so this was pretty limiting. Very excited for Fortress though.)

Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 14) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Christopher Lambert is No. 1 billed in Fortress and No. 5 billed in Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance, which also stars Nicolas Cage (No. 1 billed) who is in The Wicker Man (No. 1 billed) which also stars Leelee Sobieski (No. 5 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 1 billed) => (1 + 5) + (1 + 1) + (5 + 1) = 14. There is no shorter path at the moment.

Notes – According to an interview with director Stuart Gordon, Arnold Schwarzenegger was to star as John Brennick since Arnold was a big fan of Re-Animator (1985) in which Arnold’s stunt-double, Peter Kent was a cast member. Stuart Gordon: “…it was Arnold Schwarzenegger that got me the job and it was because of Re-Animator. We used Arnold’s body-double in Re-Animator. The first reanimated corpse is a guy named Peter Kent, Arnold’s double. He’s got those big muscles. He got Arnold to see Re-Animator and Arnold liked it so much that he had a screening of it in his home, inviting all of these people, including producer John Davis. John had the rights to Fortress and Arnold was going to do it. For some reason, I’m not sure why, Arnold finally decided that he wasn’t going to do the movie and dropped out. They had a big budget, probably like 60 million, 70 million dollars, which was a huge budget in those days. Now it sounds small. [laughs] Anyway, he dropped out and the budget went down. They cut the budget to about 15 million dollars.”

The film takes place in 2017.

Due to the fact that star Christopher Lambert had worked on several large scale productions, he was hired by the film’s producers as a consultant and oversaw filming.

Filmed at Warner Brothers Movie World in Queensland, Australia.

The film performed very strongly internationally, especially in Europe where Christopher Lambert is a bigger name, and in Australia, where it was filmed. The film also enjoyed a long and profitable afterlife on VHS.

Zed-10, the artificial intelligence running the prison, is voiced by Carolyn Purdy-Gordon, wife of director Stuart Gordon.

Although the film opened strong in the US on its opening weekend, Dimension Films found their movie losing screens when a wave of new releases in the next coming weeks took over most of the multiplexes.

Stuart Gordon was set to direct Body Snatchers (1993) when he got Arnold Schwarzenegger and producer John Davis’s offer to direct Fortress instead. Gordon accepted, although Schwarzenegger would eventually drop out.

A television series based on this film was briefly considered: the “Fortress” television series would continue on from this film and would follow John and Karen as they are pursued by the Men-Tel Corporation and they raise their baby son Danny. It became a sequel instead, Fortress 2: Re-Entry (2000).

Imposter Preview

“You senseless idiot!” Patrick says in dismay. Kyle was their last chance to save the world. He had already come to the conclusion that the HoE dimension was so powerful that it would burn out any time machine that found its way there. Kyle’s story only confirmed it. Now they were all stuck here. “Well that’s OK, Patrick, it’s really not so bad here. Unexpectedly pleasant in fact,” Kyle says, sharing a sweet moment with his beloved Rachel. Rachel smiles back, but after a second her smile starts to waver and she begins to weep. Kyle is shocked. “It’s just so wonderful here. What if we go back and our family can’t…” Rachel’s voice breaks. Kyle reassures her that they don’t have to go anywhere, but Jamie and Patrick have a job to do. “We have to help them if we can. Isn’t that why we went back in the first place?” She nods and tells them about the Hallston Academy building. Kids come and go, real baseball games during the day, imaginary baseball games at night. “Classic high school stuff, go on,” Patrick encourages. But when Rachel picks up the kids at school she’s noticed another building. One down by the lake. No one ever comes. No one ever goes. “And armed guards are always nearby,” Rachel finishes, her voice now a whisper. But Kyle sadly shakes his head, “it’s been fifteen years, Rachel, I can know when you are holding back. You need to tell them.” She takes a deep breath. “There are two people I’ve seen come and go. I’m sorry I never told you, dear, but I didn’t want to spoil our dream. Those people were…” and suddenly she looks straight at Jamie and Patrick, “the bad movie twins!” Kyle turns to them, enraged. “Imposters!” That’s right! We are watching the classic *checks notes* Gary Sinise vehicle… wait, that can’t be right… alright, well the Gary Sinise sci-fi vehicle we all know and love. He’s an imposter… or is he? You better believe they’re gonna try to twist us up. Let’s go!

Impostor (2001) – BMeTric: 23.7; Notability: 67

StreetCreditReport.com – BMeTric: top 25.6%; Notability: top 1.6%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 22.2%; Higher BMeT: Glitter, Jason X, Freddy Got Fingered, Driven, The Animal, Ghosts of Mars, Black Knight, Valentine, Crocodile Dundee in Los Angeles, Soul Survivors, Monkeybone, The Musketeer, Corky Romano, Scary Movie 2, The Wedding Planner, Bones, Summer Catch, The Order, Say It Isn’t So, The Wash, and 44 more; Higher Notability: Pearl Harbor, Monkeybone, Lara Croft: Tomb Raider, Hannibal; Lower RT: Texas Rangers, Soul Survivors, Glitter, Corky Romano, The Forsaken, Summer Catch, The Wash, Out Cold, Say It Isn’t So, Joe Dirt, Head Over Heels, Megiddo: The Omega Code 2, What’s the Worst That Could Happen?, Freddy Got Fingered, Crocodile Dundee in Los Angeles, Perfume, The Musketeer, Valentine, Double Take, Original Sin, and 33 more; Notes: I’m not surprised at how high the rating is here. I am shocked by how high the Notability. Jeez Louise! It is on Hannibal or Tomb Raider levels! That’s nuts.

Leonard Maltin – BOMB –  Is Sinise an alien spy impersonating a scientist married to Stowe in 2079? The movie’s distributor apparently didn’t think anyone cared enough to find out, because this malnourished Philip K. Dick adaptation sat on the shelf for more than a year. Most interesting features are the near home appliances in the early scenes, which include a voice-activated wall-screen TV that shuts off on command. You should be so lucky when watching this movie at home.

(Wow! Harsh. I would have never expected this to get a BOMB from Leonard. It seems maybe light-fare or boring, but he’s given really terrible horror films 1.5 just being like “I didn’t vomit while watching this film which is a plus.” But this is malnourished? A BOMB it is I guess.)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vh6xFG7l8ss/

(The trailer is very weird. It makes it look incredibly cheap and poorly put together. Which is maybe why Leonard gave it a BOMB I suppose.)

Directors – Gary Fleder – ( Known For: Runaway Jury; Homefront; Things to Do in Denver When You’re Dead; The Express; Future BMT: Don’t Say a Word; BMT: Kiss the Girls; Impostor; Notes: Hmmm, he still does a lot of television (and maybe movies, although I’m skeptical his In Production work will be actually released in the end). In particular he did a Lincoln Rhyme television series which is basically the Bone Collector, which is rather intriguing … although me having never heard of it is probably a bad sign for its quality.)

Writers – Philip K. Dick – ( Known For: Blade Runner 2049; Blade Runner; Minority Report; Total Recall; The Adjustment Bureau; A Scanner Darkly; Radio Free Albemuth; Natural City; Morning Patrol; Barjo; Future BMT: Next; Screamers; BMT: Paycheck; Impostor; Notes: Probably a top ten most famous sci-fi writers ever. He won a Hugo Award for The Man in the High Castle, and was nominated for five Nebula Awards. Given that we’ve almost completed his BMT filmography with two films, his work tends to produce good films as well.)

Scott Rosenberg – ( Known For: Jumanji: Welcome to the Jungle; Jumanji: The Next Level; Con Air; High Fidelity; Beautiful Girls; Things to Do in Denver When You’re Dead; Highway; Future BMT: Venom; Disturbing Behavior; BMT: Gone in 60 Seconds; Kangaroo Jack; Impostor; Notes: He mostly does blockbusters, and he did a lot of television from 2000-2015. Good friends with Fleder who he went to Boston University with. Somewhat notably was the “other person” involved in a bar brawl where Steve Buscemi was stabbed three times.)

Caroline Case – ( BMT: Impostor; Notes: Was a television writer on The Tom Show and The Army Show, but besides that she mostly did script and continuity work on Gary Fleder films. He also produced her documentary on William Goldman.)

Ehren Kruger – ( Known For: Top Gun: Maverick; The Ring; Ghost in the Shell; Scream 3; Dumbo; Arlington Road; New World Disorder; Future BMT: Transformers: Dark of the Moon; Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen; The Skeleton Key; The Brothers Grimm; Blood and Chocolate; BMT: Transformers: Age of Extinction; The Ring Two; Reindeer Games; Impostor; Razzie Notes: Winner for Worst Screenplay for Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen in 2010; and Nominee for Worst Screenplay in 2012 for Transformers: Dark of the Moon; and in 2015 for Transformers: Age of Extinction; Notes: The writer of the biggest movie of the year! He is a blockbuster machine, and that will likely continue to be the case given that Top Gun 2 is going to make more than a billion dollars.)

David Twohy – ( Known For: The Fugitive; Waterworld; Pitch Black; Riddick; G.I. Jane; A Perfect Getaway; The Arrival; Below; Warlock; Grand Tour: Disaster in Time; Arrival II; Future BMT: The Chronicles of Riddick; Warlock: The Armageddon; BMT: Critters 2; Terminal Velocity; Impostor; Notes: Wait they got the writer of the Fugitive to get involved with this? That’s nuts. He has a film coming out called Ice Moon Rising which seems insane.)

Actors – Shane Brolly – ( Known For: Spread; Room 6; Flypaper; Rennie’s Landing; Devil’s Highway; 48 Angels; Future BMT: Underworld; Underworld: Evolution; Underworld: Rise of the Lycans; BMT: Impostor; Notes: Wow, it’s been a while since we got someone who is definitely not a lead actor sneaking into a preview. I’m going to leave it. He wrote a book called “You’d Think There Would Be More Suicides Around Here”.)

Vincent D’Onofrio – ( Known For: Jurassic World; Full Metal Jacket; The Magnificent Seven; Sinister; The Unforgivable; The Eyes of Tammy Faye; Men in Black; Ed Wood; Adventures in Babysitting; JFK; The Cell; Escape Plan; The Judge; The Player; Mystic Pizza; Strange Days; Run All Night; The Salton Sea; Chained; Kill the Irishman; Future BMT: The Break-Up; The Thirteenth Floor; Dying Young; Feeling Minnesota; BMT: Death Wish; CHIPS; Rings; Impostor; Stuart Saves His Family; Notes: Somewhat notable now as Kingpin and being one of the rare examples of an actor crossing from the Netflix Marvel series (Daredevil) into the Disney canonical series (Hawkeye). He was nominated for an Emmy for Homicide: Life on the Street, and then spent a decade as the lead in Law & Order: Criminal Intent.)

Gary Sinise – ( Known For: Forrest Gump; The Green Mile; Apollo 13; Captain America: The Winter Soldier; The Quick and the Dead; Joe Bell; Of Mice and Men; Ransom; I Still Believe; Open Season; Snake Eyes; The Human Stain; Albino Alligator; The Big Bounce; A Midnight Clear; A Wedding; SGT. Will Gardner; Bruno; All the Rage; Future BMT: Mission to Mars; The Forgotten; Jack the Bear; BMT: Reindeer Games; Impostor; Notes: I’m willing to bet a huge number of people know his exclusively from Forrest Gump (for which he was nominated for an Oscar), but he is an extremely notable actor (from things as lauded as Of Mice and Men for example). He was nominated for two Emmys (and won one of them) for Truman and George Wallace as the titular characters in both. He was the lead in nearly 200 episodes of CSI: NY and for the single season of Criminal Minds: Beyond Borders.)

Budget/Gross – $30,000,000 / Domestic: $6,285,176 (Worldwide: $8,694,320)

(Horrible. It sat on the shelf for a year, probably because they didn’t know what to do with it or how to advertise it. I bet the $30 million figure it accurate given the behind the scenes stuff I saw, it seemed really expensive from a set perspective. But I’m sure they just dumped it with no advertising campaign at all as well.)

Rotten Tomatoes – 24% (23/96): With its low production value and uninspired direction, Impostor comes off as a mixture of The Fugitive and Blade Runner, only not as good or as involving.

(Yeah, it does seem like it is just a future Fugitive with less compelling leads. And if the trailer is to be believed it definitely looks cheap as well. So fair all around.)

Reviewer Highlight: Pushes the same old cliches in Blade Runner packaging. – Peter Travers, Rolling Stone

Poster – Alium Copycat

(I find this poster both nicely made and hilarious. Nicely made because the artistry of it is interesting, the color scheme is good, and it hits in a nice “classic poster” kind of way. Hilarious because of the tiny Gary Sinise running out of an explosion. If I wanted a funny poster based project to embark on it would be posters like this where an actor appears more than once. Double Sinise. Font is bad, which is a shame. B-.)

Tagline(s) – In the Future, not everyone is who they seem to be. (F)

(My God, unacceptable. Usually something that is total nonsense is at least fun cause it’s nonsense. This is boring nonsense. Booooo.)

Keyword(s) – dimension

Top 10: Sin City (2005), Spectre (2015), The Others (2001), Scream (1996), Equilibrium (2002), From Dusk Till Dawn (1996), The Mist (2007), Death Proof (2007), 1408 (2007), Scary Movie (2000)

Future BMT: 86.6 The Adventures of Sharkboy and Lavagirl 3-D (2005), 82.8 Spy Kids 4: All the Time in the World (2011), 77.5 Who’s Your Caddy? (2007), 77.0 Superhero Movie (2008), 70.1 Black Christmas (2006), 68.6 Pulse (2006), 66.9 The Crow: City of Angels (1996), 64.9 Scary Movie 4 (2006), 61.8 Cursed (2005), 59.0 Apollo 18 (2011)

BMT: Scary Movie V (2013), Halloween: Resurrection (2002), Highlander: The Final Dimension (1994), Halloween II (2009), Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers (1995), My Boss’s Daughter (2003), Highlander: Endgame (2000), Dracula 2000 (2000), Hellraiser: Bloodline (1996), Air Bud: Golden Receiver (1998), Phantoms (1998), Boys and Girls (2000), Texas Rangers (2001), Reindeer Games (2000), Halloween (2007), Senseless (1998), Impostor (2001), Mindhunters (2004)

Best Options (future): 33.0 Fortress (1992), 23.7 Impostor (2001)

(The question kind of is whether we’ll ever watch a 2005 or 2006 film … Looking at the list the prognosis is negative. We just love the 90s and early 2000s so much! You might be shocked (shocked!) that we didn’t pick the Christopher Lambert future prison movie classic, Fortress, but no worries, that is next week.)

Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 17) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Gary Sinise is No. 1 billed in Impostor and No. 2 billed in Reindeer Games, which also stars Ben Affleck (No. 1 billed) who is in Gigli (No. 1 billed) which also stars Al Pacino (No. 7 billed) who is in 88 Minutes (No. 1 billed) which also stars Leelee Sobieski (No. 3 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 1 billed) => (1 + 2) + (1 + 1) + (7 + 1) + (3 + 1) = 17. If we were to watch Pearl Harbor we can get the HoE Number down to 11.

Notes – Young Spencer Olham is played by Mac Sinise, Gary Sinise’s son.

The adaptation of Philip K. Dick’s short story “The Impostor” was originally planned to be one segment (about forty minutes) of a three-part science fiction movie. The production company liked the early “dailies” so much, that the idea was fleshed out into a feature-length film. The other segments grew into the features Mimic (1997) and Alien Love Triangle (2008).

In the opening scene of the movie, footage of soldiers is taken from the 1997 film Starship Troopers (1997); and footage of a crater, with other explosions is taken from the film Armageddon.

A street scene is filmed in a courtyard of Cal Poly Pomona’s administration building, the same one used for Jude Law’s apartment building in Gattaca (1997). Several students and staff of Cal Poly Pomona were used as extras for this scene.

Spencer Olham is said to be “very good at integral and differential calculus.” This is a tongue-in-cheek reference to Gilbert and Sullivan’s musical “Pirates of Penzance” from the famously silly patter-song “Modern Major General.” (The line from the song is, “I am very good at integral and differential calculus, I know the scientific names of being animalculus…”)

The operating room set was also used in Logan’s Run.

Maya Olham watches a televised news report that refers to a Ballard space institute – a reference to J.G. Ballard, the British science fiction writer.

The helmets that security forces wears are also the helmets worn in Starship Troopers (1997).

The film takes place in 2079.

Originally intended to be Miramax’s big Christmas movie for 2001, the film got delayed to January just days before it was set to open due to last-minute edits on Kate & Leopold (2001), which forced that film to take this film’s original date.