Tag: 0% on rottentomatoes

Staying Alive Preview

“Alright, well this looks like a slam dunk,” says one of the elderly jurors, “which is good because I have tickets to Wrestlemania tonight in the city.” He holds up a pair of tickets and walks to stare out the window. The field trip to Dark Territory was fun, but reality was setting in now that they were back in the jury room. “Let’s vote,” says the foreman and hands out small pieces of paper. Poor kid. But you just can’t go slashing a sheriff with a samurai sword and get away with it. You just can’t! As the ‘guilty’ votes are read, they begin to pack up. Suddenly a ‘not guilty’ vote rings out. Everyone stops and looks at Jamie. He takes a moment before acknowledging that yes, it was him. “I just think there should be a discussion, maybe,” he says sheepishly. “I don’t think so, bub,” says Wrestlemania, fuming. Several other jurors also demand he change his vote. “Ok, ok, how about this,” Jamie says, holding up his hands. “Let me ask you all just one thing.” They begrudgingly agree. “The murder weapon…” Jamie begins and Wrestlemania jumps on it immediately. “Exactly,” he says, “They found him with the murder weapon. A samurai sword! With an eagle on the handle!” The rest of the jury nod. “Oh really,” Jamie says and pulls his own samurai sword from his back scabbard and flips it in the air to land point down in the table. The jurors gasp and look at each other in disbelief. It’s an exact replica. “I guess,” says the foreman, “a little discussion won’t hurt.” “My god. That kid out there is probably laughing at us,” fumes Wrestlemania. But Jamie doesn’t think he’s laughing at all. He’s too busy just staying alive. That’s right! If you thought we would do Stay Alive and not take that opportunity to smash cut directly into the Saturday Night Fever sequel Staying Alive then… I don’t know what to say. It would mean you didn’t know us at all and that’s pretty sad. Let’s go!

Staying Alive (1983) – BMeTric: 61.1; Notability: 52

StreetCreditReport.com – BMeTric: top 1.3%; Notability: top 3.4%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 0.0%; Higher BMeT: Jaws 3-D, Smokey and the Bandit Part 3, Superman III; Higher Notability: Superman III, Curse of the Pink Panther, Krull, Deal of the Century, Doctor Detroit, Flashdance, The Sting II, D.C. Cab; Notes: Don’t worry, Smokey and the Bandit Part III is on the docket. Looking at the 90s television data is kind of funny. The three Smokey and the Bandit films played 81, 47, and 20 times. Almost perfectly 50% of the prior one. The first is a classic obviously.

New York Times – Janet Maslin –  ONLY the presence of John Travolta turns ”Staying Alive” from an unqualified disaster into a qualified one. Mr. Travolta is able to radiate warmth and sweetness even under the direst of circumstances, which are certainly the ones in which he finds himself here. As directed by Sylvester Stallone, who is also co-writer and coproducer, ”Staying Alive” is a sequel with no understanding of what made its predecessor work. The first film was funny and touching, powered by a phenomenally successful score. This one is clumsy, mean spirited and amazingly unmusical.

(Janet is right about everything here. This is exactly the issue with the film. It is just kind of depressing and joyless and misses everything that made the original work.)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wfCaqIudqbE/

(Give me that music up top, c’mon … yeah there it is. Hoooooooooo doggy Travolta looking sexy in this trailer. What more is there to say, 10/10 trailer on the Travolta Sexiness scale.)

Directors – Sylvester Stallone – ( Known For: The Expendables; Rocky II; Rocky Balboa; Rocky III; Paradise Alley; BMT: Rambo; Rocky IV; Staying Alive; Notes: Welp, we finished his directorial efforts. Stallone, get behind the lens, you know you want to.)

Writers – Nik Cohn – ( Known For: Saturday Night Fever; BMT: Staying Alive; Notes: He was the writer of the article that Saturday Night Fever was based on.)

Sylvester Stallone – ( Known For: Rocky; The Expendables; The Expendables 2; Creed; First Blood; Rocky II; Rocky Balboa; Rocky III; Creed II; Cliffhanger; Homefront; Creed III; F.I.S.T.; Paradise Alley; BMT: Rambo; Rocky IV; The Expendables 3; Rambo: First Blood Part II; Rocky V; Rambo III; Rambo: Last Blood; Cobra; Over the Top; Driven; Staying Alive; Rhinestone; Notes: And, yup, we also finished up Stallone’s writing credits. Fuck you A Working Man, why did you have to ruin the dream.)

Norman Wexler – ( Known For: Serpico; Saturday Night Fever; Joe; Mandingo; Drum; BMT: Raw Deal; Staying Alive; Notes: Was born in New Bedford, huh. He was nominated for two Oscars, one for the movie Joe, and the other for Serpico. For real though … like Joe? I haven’t heard of this film.)

Actors – John Travolta – ( Known For: Pulp Fiction; Face/Off; Grease; Bolt; Austin Powers in Goldmember; Carrie; The Taking of Pelham 123; The Thin Red Line; Hairspray; Savages; Broken Arrow; Get Shorty; Saturday Night Fever; Look Who’s Talking; Phenomenon; Blow Out; Ladder 49; Killing Season; A Civil Action; Primary Colors; Future BMT: The Punisher; From Paris with Love; Basic; The General’s Daughter; Look Who’s Talking Too; Michael; Look Who’s Talking Now; Domestic Disturbance; Mad City; Lucky Numbers; White Man’s Burden; Shout; BMT: Swordfish; Wild Hogs; Battlefield Earth; Be Cool; Old Dogs; Staying Alive; Perfect; Two of a Kind; Notes: Man, we didn’t do The Punisher? But like … how have we done the other ones? Is that right? That is the craziest bit of flotsam we have. Actually strike that, having done Scary Movie 5 and not registering the first four as BMT films was the craziest bit of flotsam.)

Cynthia Rhodes – ( Known For: Dirty Dancing; Runaway; Curse of the Crystal Eye; BMT: Flashdance; Staying Alive; Notes: She seems to have quit the business when she married Richard Marx. Except of course the ridiculous film Curse of the Crystal Eye (never played on television).)

Finola Hughes – ( Known For: Like Crazy; Above Suspicion; Intrepid; Nutcracker; Future BMT: Aspen Extreme; BMT: Staying Alive; Notes: Aspen Extreme! Hol up … we HAVE to do Aspen Extreme. That movie is one of those perfect “they don’t release em like they used to” BMT gems.)

Budget/Gross – $22 million / Domestic: $64,892,670 (Worldwide: $64,893,329)

(That is obviously solid. I imagine it is the terrible reviews that made them not go for the trilogy. Maybe Stallone should start brushing off scripts, I think Travolta’s still got it.)

Rotten Tomatoes – 0% (0/30): This sequel to Saturday Night Fever is shockingly embarrassing and unnecessary, trading the original’s dramatic depth for a series of uninspired dance sequences.

(ZERO OUT OF THIRTY?! What the hell. Is this the crown jewel of How the Hell Haven’t We Done This Yet?! cycle.)

NY Times Short Review: Lackluster sequel to “Saturday Night Fever”. (… yeah that sums it up NYT).

Poster – Dancin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo

(I have never seen a poster that would turn me off of a film more than this one. If I saw this in a theater I would say “nope” and turn right around. But… I am in love with that font. This might be the best poster font we’ve seen in quite a while. I hate this poster but that font rescues it. C.)

Tagline(s) – Tony Manero knows the old days are over. But nobody’s gonna tell him he can’t feel that good again. (D)

(No way. No how. I gave it a D because it’s actually so weird that it’s kind of funny.)

Keyword(s) – top BMeT

Top 10: Fifty Shades of Grey (2015), The Twilight Saga: New Moon (2009), Green Lantern (2011), Batman & Robin (1997), Batman Forever (1995), The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1 (2011), Ghost Rider (2007), The Happening (2008), A Good Day to Die Hard (2013), The Mummy (2017)

Future BMT: 96.3 Disaster Movie (2008), 93.6 Date Movie (2006), 90.7 Vampires Suck (2010), 90.1 House of the Dead (2003), 89.0 BloodRayne (2005), 87.9 Winnie-the-Pooh: Blood and Honey (2023), 86.9 Street Fighter (1994), 86.6 The Adventures of Sharkboy and Lavagirl 3-D (2005), 84.1 Spy Kids 4: All the Time in the World (2011), 83.1 Inspector Gadget (1999), 81.5 You Got Served (2004), 80.0 Jonas Brothers: The 3D Concert Experience (2009), 80.0 Jeepers Creepers III (2017), 79.5 Daddy Day Camp (2007), 79.4 Home Alone 3 (1997), 79.3 Boogeyman (2005), 78.7 Shark Night (2011), 78.2 The Oogieloves in the Big Balloon Adventure (2012), 78.1 Who’s Your Caddy? (2007), 78.0 Jeepers Creepers: Reborn (2022)

BMT: Epic Movie (2007), Meet the Spartans (2008), Battlefield Earth (2000), Dragonball Evolution (2009), Catwoman (2004), Jack and Jill (2011), Batman & Robin (1997), Son of the Mask (2005), The Room (2003), The Emoji Movie (2017), Cats (2019), Gigli (2003), Scary Movie V (2013), Alone in the Dark (2005), Jaws: The Revenge (1987), The Last Airbender (2010), Mortal Kombat: Annihilation (1997), The Wicker Man (2006), Manos: The Hands of Fate (1966), Madame Web (2024), Superman IV: The Quest for Peace (1987), Fifty Shades of Grey (2015), Speed 2: Cruise Control (1997), Slender Man (2018), Dumb and Dumberer: When Harry Met Lloyd (2003), Jaws 3-D (1983), Troll 2 (1990), The Love Guru (2008), Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2 (2004), In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale (2007), The Cat in the Hat (2003), The Avengers (1998), Crossroads (2002), Halloween: Resurrection (2002), The Fog (2005), Fantastic Four (2015), Rollerball (2002), Baby Geniuses (1999), Spice World (1997), From Justin to Kelly (2003), Dungeons & Dragons (2000), Norbit (2007), …

Best Options (Romance): 93.6 Date Movie (2006), 77.9 Nutty Professor II: The Klumps (2000), 75.5 Look Who’s Talking Now (1993), 74.9 Junior (1994), 74.6 God’s Not Dead (2014), 72.7 Look Who’s Talking Too (1990), 72.4 Bewitched (2005), 72.3 Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector (2006), 64.9 Sex Tape (2014), 64.4 Van Wilder: The Rise of Taj (2006), 62.9 The Honeymooners (2005), 62.3 Obsessed (2009), 61.2 Beethoven’s 2nd (1993), 61.2 Staying Alive (1983), 57.8 The Next Best Thing (2000), 56.0 Why Did I Get Married Too? (2010), 55.9 Radhe Shyam (2022), 55.7 Fame (2009), 55.5 The Back-up Plan (2010), 55.3 Who’s That Girl (1987), 55.0 Honey (2003), 54.3 The Bachelor (1999), 54.2 Maid in Manhattan (2002), 54.1 The Divorce (2003), 53.7 Abandon (2002), 53.7 Meet the Browns (2008), 53.4 Aloha (2015), 52.4 Loser (2000), 52.4 How Do You Know (2010), 52.3 Superstar (1999), 52.2 Addicted (2014), 51.1 Over Her Dead Body (2008), 51.1 Little Fockers (2010)

(Again, would Junior have been a better option? Maybe, but the idea of finishing up Stallone basically was too alluring. We only have one Stallone film left. This was our 25th Stallone film. It is crazy stuff.)

Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 14) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: John Travolta is No. 1 billed in Staying Alive and No. 2 billed in Wild Hogs, which also stars Ray Liotta (No. 5 billed) who is in In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale (No. 2 billed) which also stars Leelee Sobieski (No. 3 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 1 billed) => (1 + 2) + (5 + 2) + (3 + 1) = 14. If we were to watch Shout we can get the HoE Number down to 10.

Notes – John Travolta has claimed his favorite director to work with was Sylvester Stallone. He said Stallone knew how to make him look the best on screen.

Under Sylvester Stallone’s supervision, John Travolta spent five months doing rigorous training to develop a dancer’s physique for this film, losing 20 pounds in the process.

DIRECTOR_CAMEO(Sylvester Stallone): Bumping into Tony Manero as he walks down the sidewalk in a crowd. They turn to look at each other for a moment.

This was one of 1983’s most successful films at the box office.

This was the last non-“Rocky” film Sylvester Stallone directed until Rambo (2008).

Awards – Nominee for the Razzie Award for Worst Actor (John Travolta)

Nominee for the Razzie Award for Worst Supporting Actress (Finola Hughes)

Nominee for the Razzie Award for Worst New Star (Finola Hughes)

Jury Duty Preview

Matt Craven stands solemnly at the lectern. Head bowed. A hushed silence in the room. Suddenly he looks up and shouts, “Are you hunting for savings?” The crowd is blown back by his energy and showmanship. “Are you craving for deals like you’ve never seen?” he continues, pulling back a curtain revealing a poster-sized schematic of the library teetering precariously over the alleged chasm (or abyss). With flair, he tears off a portion of the schematic to reveal a brilliant future where the chasm (or abyss) has been filled with unwanted waste products and the library replaced with a mall-type building labelled Matt Craven’s Craving Hunting Palace. So Matt Craven was using his considerable influence to buy the land cheap, bulldoze the library and build a mini-mall. And they’d be willing to bet that Stranger & Stranger Construction would be doing the bulldozing and building. What a scheme! The room is rocking and before they know it the vote comes up and is nearly unanimous. Jamie looks across the room and sees that the only other ‘no’ vote was from a woman wearing a scowl on her face to go with her fetching pantsuit and briefcase. “Let’s get out of here,” Patrick says with disgust. “Just one second,” Jamie says and catches the woman before she leaves the auditorium. It becomes clear that she is not willing to give up the fight so easily. Jamie realizes he isn’t either. “Where can I meet you to talk more about this?” he asks and she smiles. “Well, we’re always looking for good people like you to serve on a jury,” she says as she hands him her card. It reads ‘Gertrude LaRouche, Attorney-at-Law.’ “Is that how that works?” Jamie asks, perplexed, and with a wink Ms. LaRouche smiles again. “It is now.” That’s right! We’re doing our civic duty and serving on a jury of its peers to judge Jury Duty, the Pauly Shore flick best known for being the film I thought the quote “That’s nice, Peanut” came from rather than the correct answer: Celtic Pride. My mind is just too beautiful. Let’s go!

Jury Duty (1995) – BMeTric: 59.8; Notability: 43

StreetCreditReport.com – BMeTric: top 2.0%; Notability: top 10.8%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 0.0%; Higher BMeT: Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers, Lawnmower Man 2: Beyond Cyberspace, Vampire in Brooklyn, Fair Game, Showgirls; Higher Notability: Congo, Judge Dredd, Under Siege 2: Dark Territory, Virtuosity, Money Train, Showgirls, Mighty Morphin Power Rangers, Stuart Saves His Family, Panther, Four Rooms, Things to Do in Denver When You’re Dead, Steal Big Steal Little, Tommy Boy, Assassins, Hackers, Jefferson in Paris, Canadian Bacon, Jade, Nine Months, Just Cause, and 7 more; Notes: Showgirls is a giant blindspot for us, but I’ve seen it multiple times and I also find it profoundly depressing, so there is that. This would have been the era where playing on television was a bit touch and go. Halloween 6 played only 3 times, Lawnmower Man 2 only 4 times, Vampire in Brooklyn was decent at 21, Fair Game was 28, Showgirls a shocking 25 times, and of course this played 64 times. Showgirls though … it played a lot on Showtime at 9PM which seems incredibly early. But I guess I’m a prude.

RogerEbert.com – 1.0 stars – The comedian Pauly Shore and I would find ourselves in agreement on one thing: The characters he plays are obnoxious. We part company, alas, on whether they are funny. I say they are not. … The screenplay, by Neil Tolkin, Barbara Williams and Samantha Adams, has some good lines, of which my favorite is, “Oh, to be young and on Death Row!” There are also many uses of anatomical terms, the usual toilet jokes, and ridicule of tabloid TV types who are, and I quote, “bottom-feeders who suckle on the juice of human tragedy.” I’m not sure the makers of this film should include themselves out.

(I’m not surprised Ebert hated it, and I appreciate that the review seems rather measured. Much more so than I would have imagined. Ah, to live in the day where it wasn’t all about dunking on people, even when those people are Pauly Shore in Jury Duty.)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bdKOtQlUS6s/

(I love the front part of this trailer. Like the film looks incredibly stupid, but I love the headfake on the serious film in the beginning. Just, they like don’t make ‘em like they used to. Also two OJ jokes in the trailer! THE TRAILER!!)

Directors – John Fortenberry – ( Future BMT: A Night at the Roxbury; BMT: Jury Duty; Notes: Does a ton of television, including Arrested Development, Psych, etc. A little odd he did any films at all … he maybe got this based on The Ben Stiller Show?)

Writers – Barbara Williams – ( BMT: Jury Duty; Notes: For whatever reason White House Down didn’t show up here, but it does seem like she has a credit on that. Might not be on TMDb.)

Samantha Adams – ( BMT: Jury Duty; Notes: Now this person only has Jury Duty. As a matter of fact this is the only information at all on her profile.)

Neil Tolkin – ( Known For: The Emperor’s Club; Future BMT: Richie Rich; License to Drive; BMT: Jury Duty; Notes: License to Drive is quite old, but he seems to have still been working a bit. Did the Magnum P.I. reboot.)

Actors – Pauly Shore – ( Known For: Sandy Wexler; Pauly Shore Is Dead; How It Ends; Heckler; Guest House; Phantom of the Mall: Eric’s Revenge; My Big Fat Independent Movie; Lost Angels; Opposite Day; Adopted; Pauly Shore Stands Alone; The Junior Defenders; Future BMT: Encino Man; Son in Law; Class Act; The Wash; For Keeps?; 18 Again!; BMT: Bio-Dome; In the Army Now; Bucky Larson: Born to Be a Star; Jury Duty; Notes: Things like Class Act and The Wash are bizarre. He has an amazing career. Bio-Dome, Jury Duty, In the Army Now, Encino Man, Son in Law. Five leading films, and then he completely flamed out. Maybe because he was difficult? Maybe the only person ever considered difficult for just being incredibly annoying?)

Tia Carrere – ( Known For: True Lies; Lilo & Stitch; Wayne’s World; Wayne’s World 2; Showdown in Little Tokyo; You May Not Kiss the Bride; Zombie Nightmare; Easter Sunday; My Teacher’s Wife; Hollow Point; Showdown in Manila; Wild Cherry; Gutshot Straight; 20 Dates; The Legend of Hallowaiian; The Immortals; Hard Breakers; Top of the World; Scar City; Merlin: The Return; Future BMT: Harley Davidson and the Marlboro Man; Kull the Conqueror; BMT: Rising Sun; High School High; Jury Duty; Notes: Was a regular on General Hospital. She almost only does voice work now. She was, weirdly, the star of a syndicated show called Relic Hunter I’ve never heard of. Ran for 66 episodes. First-run syndication was nuts back in the day.)

Stanley Tucci – ( Known For: The Hunger Games; Captain America: The First Avenger; The Hunger Games: Catching Fire; The Hunger Games: Mockingjay – Part 1; Spotlight; The Terminal; The Devil Wears Prada; Easy A; The Hunger Games: Mockingjay – Part 2; Beauty and the Beast; Lucky Number Slevin; Road to Perdition; The King’s Man; Robots; Margin Call; Jack the Giant Slayer; Julie & Julia; Percy Jackson: Sea of Monsters; Conclave; The Pelican Brief; Future BMT: The Lovely Bones; The Core; Maid in Manhattan; Beethoven; America’s Sweethearts; The Fifth Estate; Swing Vote; Billy Bathgate; Space Chimps; Who’s That Girl; Undercover Blues; In Too Deep; The Gun in Betty Lou’s Handbag; BMT: Transformers: Age of Extinction; Transformers: The Last Knight; Burlesque; Jury Duty; Show Dogs; Notes: The Tucc! Did you see the image of him when he was a Levi model or something. Absolute gun show.)

Budget/Gross – $21 million / Domestic: $17,014,653 (Worldwide: $17,014,653)

(Not what you want. I wonder why it cost so much … do you think it could be the rights to 12 Angry Men? It is almost explicitly a remake. Probably it is just that Shore cost a chunk of change by then.)

Rotten Tomatoes – 0% (0/14)

(Wow, incredible. But not surprising. If you want a consensus: The only thing amusing about this film is that is released during the O.J. Simpson trial.)

NYTimes Short Review: Loafer disrupts murder trial. Painfully unfunny.

Poster – Cutey Patooty

(Remember when that was a thing? No? Guess you weren’t watching Rosie O’Donnell like the cool kids. This is probably the best case scenario in what is a very unartistic style of poster. Wish the font was better, but it is getting the idea across. It’s funny because Pauly Shore is an idiot and now is involved in justice. B+)

Tagline(s) – For truth. For justice. For five bucks a day. (A+)

(Yes, please! This is great and fits perfectly into the rubric of what I look for. Unapologetic for the grade.)

Keyword(s) – top BMeT

Top 10: Fifty Shades of Grey (2015), The Twilight Saga: New Moon (2009), Green Lantern (2011), Batman & Robin (1997), Batman Forever (1995), The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1 (2011), Ghost Rider (2007), The Happening (2008), A Good Day to Die Hard (2013), The Mummy (2017)

Future BMT: 96.3 Disaster Movie (2008), 93.6 Date Movie (2006), 90.7 Vampires Suck (2010), 90.1 House of the Dead (2003), 89.0 BloodRayne (2005), 87.9 Winnie-the-Pooh: Blood and Honey (2023), 86.9 Street Fighter (1994), 86.6 The Adventures of Sharkboy and Lavagirl 3-D (2005), 84.1 Spy Kids 4: All the Time in the World (2011), 83.1 Inspector Gadget (1999), 81.5 You Got Served (2004), 80.0 Jonas Brothers: The 3D Concert Experience (2009), 80.0 Jeepers Creepers III (2017), 79.5 Daddy Day Camp (2007), 79.4 Home Alone 3 (1997), 79.3 Boogeyman (2005), 78.7 Shark Night (2011), 78.2 The Oogieloves in the Big Balloon Adventure (2012), 78.1 Who’s Your Caddy? (2007), 78.0 Jeepers Creepers: Reborn (2022)

BMT: Epic Movie (2007), Meet the Spartans (2008), Battlefield Earth (2000), Dragonball Evolution (2009), Catwoman (2004), Jack and Jill (2011), Batman & Robin (1997), Son of the Mask (2005), The Room (2003), The Emoji Movie (2017), Cats (2019), Gigli (2003), Scary Movie V (2013), Alone in the Dark (2005), Jaws: The Revenge (1987), The Last Airbender (2010), Mortal Kombat: Annihilation (1997), The Wicker Man (2006), Manos: The Hands of Fate (1966), Madame Web (2024), Superman IV: The Quest for Peace (1987), Fifty Shades of Grey (2015), Speed 2: Cruise Control (1997), Slender Man (2018), Dumb and Dumberer: When Harry Met Lloyd (2003), Jaws 3-D (1983), Troll 2 (1990), The Love Guru (2008), Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2 (2004), In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale (2007), The Cat in the Hat (2003), The Avengers (1998), Crossroads (2002), Halloween: Resurrection (2002), The Fog (2005), Fantastic Four (2015), Rollerball (2002), Baby Geniuses (1999), Spice World (1997), From Justin to Kelly (2003), Dungeons & Dragons (2000), Norbit (2007),…

Best Options (Comedy): 96.3 Disaster Movie (2008), 93.6 Date Movie (2006), 90.7 Vampires Suck (2010), 86.9 Street Fighter (1994), 86.6 The Adventures of Sharkboy and Lavagirl 3-D (2005), 84.1 Spy Kids 4: All the Time in the World (2011), 83.1 Inspector Gadget (1999), 79.5 Daddy Day Camp (2007), 79.4 Home Alone 3 (1997), 78.1 Who’s Your Caddy? (2007), 77.9 Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked (2011), 77.9 Nutty Professor II: The Klumps (2000), 76.0 Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakquel (2009), 75.5 Look Who’s Talking Now (1993), 75.2 Superhero Movie (2008), 74.9 Junior (1994), 72.7 Look Who’s Talking Too (1990), 72.6 Teen Wolf Too (1987), 72.4 Bewitched (2005), 72.4 Dance Flick (2009), 72.3 Legally Blonde 2: Red, White & Blonde (2003), 72.3 Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector (2006), 72.3 Zoom (2006), 72.1 Mr. Magoo (1997), 70.9 Snatched (2017), 70.8 The Shaggy Dog (2006), 69.8 Delta Farce (2007), 69.8 College Road Trip (2008), 69.5 Gulliver’s Travels (2010), 69.5 Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen (2004), 69.5 The Santa Clause 3: The Escape Clause (2006), 69.3 Soul Plane (2004), 69.2 Norm of the North (2016), 68.8 Yogi Bear (2010), 68.4 Meet the Blacks (2016), 68.1 Smokey and the Bandit Part 3 (1983), 68.1 Cats & Dogs: The Revenge of Kitty Galore (2010), 67.8 Thunderbirds (2004), 67.7 Seed of Chucky (2004), 67.6 Phat Girlz (2006), 67.3 Mr. Nanny (1993), 66.7 In the Mix (2005), 66.2 102 Dalmatians (2000), 65.3 An American Carol (2008), 65.1 Scary Movie 4 (2006), 64.9 The Comebacks (2007), 64.9 Sex Tape (2014), 64.7 Tooth Fairy (2010), 64.7 Fat Albert (2004), 64.6 Boat Trip (2002), 64.4 Van Wilder: The Rise of Taj (2006), 64.2 Agent Cody Banks 2: Destination London (2004), 64.2 Diary of a Wimpy Kid: The Long Haul (2017), 64.0 Underdog (2007), 63.8 The Dukes of Hazzard (2005), 63.7 Hot Tub Time Machine 2 (2015), 62.9 The Honeymooners (2005), 62.7 Space Chimps (2008), 61.8 Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Road Chip (2015), 61.7 Like a Boss (2020), 61.7 Cop & ½ (1993), 61.3 Madea Goes to Jail (2009), 61.2 Beethoven’s 2nd (1993), 61.0 Meet Dave (2008), 60.8 College (2008), 60.7 Happily N’Ever After (2006), 60.5 Hoodwinked Too! Hood vs. Evil (2011), 60.3 Witless Protection (2008), 60.3 Code Name: The Cleaner (2007), 59.9 Agent Cody Banks (2003), 59.8 First Sunday (2008), 59.7 Jury Duty (1995), …

(Junior was probably the other one were could have gone with here, but it is crazy that we haven’t watched the Pauly Shore films basically straight out.)

Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 18) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Charles Napier is No. 6 billed in Jury Duty and No. 3 billed in Rambo: First Blood Part II, which also stars Sylvester Stallone (No. 1 billed) who is in The Expendables 3 (No. 1 billed) which also stars Jason Statham (No. 2 billed) who is in In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale (No. 1 billed) which also stars Leelee Sobieski (No. 3 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 1 billed) => (6 + 3) + (1 + 1) + (2 + 1) + (3 + 1) = 18. If we were to watch Encino Man, and Extraordinary Measures we can get the HoE Number down to 13.

Notes – Stanley Tucci hated the movie and was so frustrated during filming that he started writing his own screenplay just to give himself a good part. That screenplay later became Big Night (1996), his acclaimed directorial debut film.

The character Tom[my] Collins is named after the mixed drink of the same name.

Shelley Winters’ last US Studio film.

Failed to recoup its budget ($21 million + marketing costs) and brought in only $17 million in ticket sales, making it a box office bomb.

The first Pauly Shore comedy to not star Brendan Fraser in any capacity.

Awards – Winner for the Razzie Award for Worst Actor (Pauly Shore)

Fresh Horses Preview

“Home sweet home,” Patrick says, looking around at their Delaware mansion. Jamie pulls the shrink wrap off the Citizen Kane DVD and pops it into the player. But before the magic of cinema can wash over them, the doorbell rings. Jamie is annoyed. His first post, “Citizen Kane: Hot or Not?” won’t write itself and he could feel the genius flowing. “Uh, Jamie,” Patrick says from the front door, “you might wanna come see this.” Jamie snaps his laptop shut in disgust, but when he gets to the front door he gasps. A large crowd of people have gathered on the lawn. “Seems like the video of us kicking that guy off the train went viral,” Patrick says. Out of the crowd comes the Mayor. He grabs them by the hands and faces the cameras. “Ladies and Gentlemen, these boys here saved the train!” Everyone cheers. “Not only that, but I reckon this viral video could save the town. Really pump up the volume on local tourism. That’s why I’ve come here to ask the Good Movie Twins to help promote our latest venture, the local racetrack.” Everyone looks on hopefully. “We really have to get back to Citizen Kane,” Jamie says gruffly, but before he can head back inside Patrick grabs his shoulder and exclaims loudly, “But before then we’d be happy to help.” The crowd erupts. An hour later Jamie and Patrick find themselves at the track. Patrick squints his eyes, “Where are the horses?” he asks, confused. “That’s just it, we don’t have any,” the mayor admits. At that, inspiration hits and Patrick take out the Good Movie Twins rulez to change Rule #4 to read, “Animals”. Easy enough. “Horses, coming right up,” they say, putting on their sunglasses, “and these horses are gonna be fresh.” That’s right! We are watching *checks notes* Fresh Horses… wait, that can’t be right. Let’s go!

Fresh Horses (1988) – BMeTric: 24.1; Notability: 28

StreetCreditReport.com – BMeTric: top 15.6%; Notability: top 13.2%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 0.0%; Higher BMeT: Mac and Me, Caddyshack II, Police Academy 5: Assignment: Miami Beach, Poltergeist III, Friday the 13th Part VII: The New Blood, Johnny Be Good, Alien from L.A., Arthur 2: On the Rocks, My Stepmother Is an Alien, Big Top Pee-wee, Red Scorpion, Cocoon: The Return, Two Moon Junction, Critters 2, Hot to Trot, Return of the Killer Tomatoes!, 976-EVIL, Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers, Short Circuit 2, Action Jackson, and 19 more; Higher Notability: Action Jackson, Sunset, High Spirits, Big Top Pee-wee, Caddyshack II, My Stepmother Is an Alien, Moving, Cocoon: The Return, The Couch Trip, License to Drive, Vibes, Cocktail, Arthur 2: On the Rocks, Hot to Trot, The Seventh Sign, Mac and Me, Police Academy 5: Assignment: Miami Beach, Bad Dreams, The Presidio, Short Circuit 2, and 13 more; Notes: Yeah it got 0% on RT so naturally nothing is beating that. I’m shocked by the Notability. But I suppose when you have had 35 years to make people famous having 30 famous people involved in your movie is almost inevitable? Then again, only 33 or so films had higher that year. The 80s were a wild time where this was definitely a major release and yet until this very moment I had no idea this movie existed.

Leonard Maltin – 2.5 stars –  Collegian McCarthy, engaged to a wealthy dullard, falls for Ringwald’s underage no-no, a semi-shantytramp who lives across the river from his Cincinnati campus. Slightly better than expected, thanks to fine Midwest location work from the director of Hoosiers. Ringwald isn’t totally convincing in the kind of role Gloria Grahame invented.

(First, loving the non-word “semi-shantytramp”. Also loving the name drop of Gloria Grahame. Only made better by having just watched It’s a Wonderful Life where … I guess that’s what he’s talking about. Regardless, given her character in that film I can definitely understand the reference despite not having seen any of her other major roles.)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=POguCw3CIhc/

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=POguCw3CIhc/

(Jesus Christ. I suppose it should be mentioned he’s engaged at the start of the film, she’s 16, and the whole film is insanity. What is the opposite of being hyped for a film? The Anti-Money Train?)

Directors – David Anspaugh – ( Known For: Rudy; Hoosiers; The Game of Their Lives; WiseGirls; Little Red Wagon; Future BMT: Moonlight and Valentino; BMT: Fresh Horses; Notes: Won two Emmys for Hill Street Blues. Was apparently personally recommended for USC film school by Jack Nicholson.)

Writers – Larry Ketron – ( Known For: Permanent Record; Vital Signs; The Only Thrill; BMT: Fresh Horses; Notes: Contributed to the TV Movie Ghost Cat in 2004.)

Actors – Molly Ringwald – ( Known For: The Breakfast Club; Sixteen Candles; Pretty in Pink; The Kissing Booth; Siberia; The Kissing Booth 3; The Kissing Booth 2; The Pick-up Artist; King Cobra; Tempest; SPF-18; King Lear; Betsy’s Wedding; Office Killer; Malicious; Cowboy Up; Cut; All These Small Moments; Strike It Rich; Bad Night; Future BMT: Not Another Teen Movie; Teaching Mrs. Tingle; Jem and the Holograms; Spacehunter: Adventures in the Forbidden Zone; For Keeps?; BMT: Fresh Horses; Razzie Notes: Nominee for Worst Actress for Betsy’s Wedding in 1991; Notes: Was a John Hughes staple of the 80s. I always assumed she was way more famous than she actually was because I watched The Breakfast Club so many times as a kid.)

Andrew McCarthy – ( Known For: Pretty in Pink; St. Elmo’s Fire; The Spiderwick Chronicles; Weekend at Bernie’s; Less Than Zero; The Joy Luck Club; The Good Guy; Mrs. Parker and the Vicious Circle; Only You; Quiet Days in Clichy; Main Street; Stag; Getting In; I Woke Up Early the Day I Died; New Waterford Girl; Night of the Running Man; Camp Hell; The Beniker Gang; Things I Never Told You; Waiting for the Moon; Future BMT: Class; Mulholland Falls; Heaven Help Us; Year of the Gun; Kansas; BMT: Mannequin; Fresh Horses; Weekend at Bernie’s II; Notes: One of the eight original members of the Brat Pack. Emelio Estevez, Charlie Sheen, Rob Lowe, Judd Nelson, him, Molly Ringwald, Ally Sheedy, … that’s all I got. Sheen isn’t actually one, and I was missing Anthony Michael Hall, Demi Moore)

Patti D’Arbanville – ( Known For: Real Genius; Morning Glory; World Trade Center; Time After Time; Bilitis; Celebrity; The Extra Man; The Boys Next Door; Big Wednesday; Modern Problems; Rancho Deluxe; The Main Event; Flesh; Call Me; The Fifth Floor; Personal Velocity; Hog Wild; Happy Tears; L’Amour; Future BMT: The Fan; Wired; BMT: I Know What You Did Last Summer; Perfect Stranger; Fresh Horses; Fathers’ Day; Notes: Apparently she’s the one being referred to in the Cat Stevens song Lady D’Arbanville. Was married to Terry Quinn for a long time … which has only occurred to me now is not Terry O’Quinn from Lost.)

Budget/Gross – $14 million / Domestic: $6,640,346 (Worldwide: $6,640,346)

(How … how did this movie make $6 million. It makes no sense. I dare anyone to find someone who watched this film in theaters when it came out.)

Rotten Tomatoes – 0% (0/6)

(Oh I get to make a consensus: What the hell did I just watch? Is this a movie? Am I alive? Where am I? Who am I? What are words? What is life?)

Reviewer Highlight: Bad bad bad, stunningly bad. – Nell Minow, Movie Mom

Poster – Dope Horses

(Egad! This poster has me thinking this film is an elaborate joke of some kind. That one is a solid C-. Super pretentious, but is it wrong that I kinda like the bold purple with the black and white picture and simple yellow lettering? The colors are… fresh.)

Tagline(s) – Love doesn’t have to last a lifetime. (C+)

(Huh… I mean it certainly gets to the point. Almost gives away what should be left to the audience. Not clever either, but it’s more interesting than it should be. It feels intriguing, which is something.)

Keyword(s) – good

Top 10: Good Will Hunting (1997), The Hunger Games: Catching Fire (2013), Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire (2005), The Great Gatsby (2013), Hot Fuzz (2007), Dr. Strangelove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb (1964), Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them (2016), The Wizard of Oz (1939), Man on Fire (2004), The Nice Guys (2016)

Future BMT: 67.4 Phat Girlz (2006), 63.2 Hot Tub Time Machine 2 (2015), 60.6 Like a Boss (2020), 56.2 The Fly II (1989), 51.7 Playing with Fire (2019), 51.6 The Boss (2016), 51.0 Johnny Be Good (1988), 50.6 The Hot Chick (2002), 49.9 Arthur 2: On the Rocks (1988), 48.4 Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer (2007), 47.1 Barney’s Great Adventure (1998), 45.1 Fly Me to the Moon 3D (2007), 44.9 Fantastic Four (2005), 40.4 No Good Deed (2014), 39.4 Good Burger (1997), 37.2 The Great Wall (2016), 37.0 Stroker Ace (1983), 36.3 Milk Money (1994), 34.7 Mad Money (2008), 34.3 Mo’ Money (1992)

BMT: Epic Movie (2007), Fantastic Four (2015), The Ridiculous 6 (2015), Cool as Ice (1991), Cool World (1992), A Good Day to Die Hard (2013), Hot Pursuit (2015), One for the Money (2012), Fire Down Below (1997), Air Bud: Golden Receiver (1998), Fire Birds (1990), Good Luck Chuck (2007), Be Cool (2005), Chill Factor (1999), Money Train (1995), Hot to Trot (1988), The Golden Child (1986), Righteous Kill (2008), Sweet Home Alabama (2002), The Wizard (1989), Fresh Horses (1988), Hunter Killer (2018)

Best Options (Romance): 49.9 Arthur 2: On the Rocks (1988), 37.0 Stroker Ace (1983), 36.3 Milk Money (1994), 32.1 Good Deeds (2012), 24.4 Fresh Horses (1988), 21.6 For Love or Money (1993), 19.1 Other People’s Money (1991), 14.3 Sweet November (2001), 12.0 Great Expectations (1998), 10.6 A Good Year (2006)

(Arthur 2 is going to be done in a few weeks. The rest are more like … comedies with romantic elements maybe? Milk Money for sure is about kids hiring prostitutes, not exactly traditional romance.)

Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 17) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Andrew McCarthy is No. 2 billed in Fresh Horses and No. 1 billed in Mannequin, which also stars Estelle Getty (No. 3 billed) who is in Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot (No. 2 billed) which also stars Sylvester Stallone (No. 1 billed) who is in The Expendables 3 (No. 1 billed) which also stars Jason Statham (No. 2 billed) who is in In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale (No. 1 billed) which also stars Leelee Sobieski (No. 3 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 1 billed) => (2 + 1) + (3 + 2) + (1 + 1) + (2 + 1) + (3 + 1) = 17. If we were to watch Little Fockers we can get the HoE Number down to 15.

Notes – The film was made and first released about two years after its source stage play by Larry Ketron had been first performed Off Broadway on 11th February 1986 at the WPA Theatre in New York where it starred in its lead roles Craig Sheffer and Suzy Amis. They are played in the movie by Andrew McCarthy and Molly Ringwald respectively. Larry Ketron penned this screen adaptation of his own play.

The meaning and relevance of the title phrase ”Fresh Horses” is that it is a term used for horses that riders use to replace their tired horses during a long ride. This is referred to by Tipton, who argues at one point that men have an urge to want to switch out their tired used up horses for fresh unridden ones, horses meaning women in this case.

One of the few PG-13 rated movies that allowed the use of the word f-word more than one time and still maintain its rating. Neither use was in a sexual connotation.

Second and final of two theatrical feature film collaborations of actor Andrew McCarthy and actress Molly Ringwald who had both previously starred together in the 1980’s hit movie ‘Pretty In Pink’ (1986) about a couple of years earlier.

Mary Stuart Masterson was attached to star in the lead female role of Jewel with her father Peter Masterson attached to direct the film according to an article published in the 20th March 1987 edition of show-business trade-paper ‘Daily Variety’. However, neither ended up working on the picture with the Columbia Pictures studio executives going for the re-teaming of the stars of ‘Pretty in Pink’ (1986), who were Andrew McCarthy and Molly Ringwald.

Allan Marcil, executive producer on the picture, according to the film’s production notes, wanted to shoot the picture near the Ohio-Kentucky border region where his wife grew up. This was because the geographic boundary provided a cultural and social dichotomy necessary to the story.

The song No Tomorrow by David Foster, Kenny Loggins, Arlene Matza and performed by George Hawkins is used during the end credits in the theatrical and the VHS version of the film.

After Ever Happy Preview

Kyle explains to Jamie that as a child he got explicit instructions from Sylvester Stallone to implant a simulation he wrote into Patrick’s car. Patrick knew that eventually Jamie would remember the one thing everyone knows about Patrick: massive gearhead. And Patrick knew a particular fact about Jamie: he will sing Your Body is a Wonderland by John Mayer when emotions are high. Sure you could bump into anyone on the street singing Your Body is a Wonderland by John Mayer. But get Jamie riled up and he’ll sing it again and again. And that’s what the simulation was designed to do, create a situation where Jamie feared the worst: the doomed fate of living out his remaining years as an elderly Frank Stallone. When Kyle heard the majestic tones of Frank Stallone’s voice singing “We got the afternoon. You got this room for two,” he had never heard anything more beautiful. Finally Jamie had returned. He takes Jamie back to his house and shows him the drawer where the Dongle has resided for many years. “And no one came to get it?” Jamie asks, curious. “Well, they came,” Kyle explains, “But then they left. I think… I think they didn’t understand how I could have such power and yet…” he sweeps his hand around his house and Jamie could see. The house wasn’t made entirely of glass or a work of modern art. Just a humble house full of love. No place for the Dongle to reside. “So are you ready?” Kyle asks and Jamie nods. “I’m a little sad that this means all this didn’t happen,” Kyle says, “But will you… remember me?” Just before the blinding light takes him back to reality Jamie tells Kyle to not worry, they’ll get him his happy ever after. That’s right! We are watching the fourth installment of everyone’s favorite After franchise. Hardin is back. Tessa is back. We are back. And yes, this did get released to theaters (duh). And yes, we are watching this in the Comedy slot of the cycle because we are being a little naughty (it’s after, after all… hey wait, that’s a good name for an entry in the franchise). Let’s go!

After Ever Happy (2022) – BMeTric: 45.0; Notability: 16

StreetCreditReport.com – BMeTric: top 6.4%; Notability: top 10.0%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 0.0%; Higher BMeT: Texas Chainsaw Massacre, The Bubble, Moonfall, They/Them, Firestarter, Jeepers Creepers: Reborn, Morbius, Blacklight, Me Time, Pinocchio, Spiderhead, Deep Water, Umma, The Invitation, Senior Year, The 355; Higher Notability: Jurassic World: Dominion, Black Adam, Pinocchio, Amsterdam, Morbius, The School for Good and Evil, The Bubble, Moonfall, Deep Water, The Man from Toronto, The King’s Daughter, Spiderhead, Don’t Worry Darling, The 355, Where the Crawdads Sing, Blacklight, Samaritan, Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Memory, Firestarter, and 5 more; Notes: Yup, that’s a 0% on Rotten Tomatoes. Although, with only 6 reviews it is a tepid one.

Variety –  Either way, when that final “to be continued…” title appears  — and never has a girly, curly typeface looked more like a ransom note — it’s by far the most heart-clutching #Hessa moment so far, because we realize we’re still at least one whole movie away from release from our collective captivity to this absolute nonentity of a franchise. “All of us have demons,” husks the opening voiceover in “After Ever Happy.” That’s very true: The apparently unkillable “After” series is one of them, and it’s not done with us yet.

(My god. Anyways, I actually had to double up here because there was actually only one major review of this film and it was in Variety. This series is pure lunacy.)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hLQ-5exgctI/

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hLQ-5exgctI/

(My body is ready, but is my mind? Will it explode with the incredible passion they’ve managed to put onto screen? Can I handle how much of a bad boy Hardin is? Can Tessa fix this broken man once and for all? How many people does he punch? I’m on tenterhooks here!)

Directors – Castille Landon – ( Known For: Fear of Rain; BMT: After Ever Happy; After We Fell; Notes: A big Wattpad productions director she is also slated for the sequel as well, so we’ll get her own trilogy in the After franchise (at least). Also directing another Wattpad production, Perfect Addiction.)

Writers – Anna Todd – ( Known For: After We Collided; BMT: After Ever Happy; After; After We Fell; Notes: She wrote the After series on her phone on Wattpad. Basically, this series is the only thing which is keeping the lights on at Wattpad productions from what I can tell.)

Sharon Soboil – ( BMT: After Ever Happy; After We Fell; Notes: Currently not slated for the sequel. That appears to be written and directed by Castille Landon. A true Landon vision, finally.)

Actors – Josephine Langford – ( Known For: After We Collided; Gigi & Nate; Moxie; Future BMT: Wish Upon; BMT: After Ever Happy; After; After We Fell; Notes: She has been pretty much just acting in this. She has an upcoming film called The Other Zoe which is about amnesia and love or something.)

Hero Fiennes Tiffin – ( Known For: The Woman King; Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince; After We Collided; The Silencing; Private Peaceful; Bigga Than Ben; BMT: After Ever Happy; After; After We Fell; Notes: I say this every time, but yes, he’s related to the Fiennes acting family. He’s actually in other films and has four films in production, so his career is maybe heating up.)

Louise Lombard – ( Known For: After We Collided; Hidalgo; Tale of the Mummy; My Kingdom; Lichnyy nomer; BMT: After Ever Happy; After We Fell; Notes: In the upcoming Oppenhiemer film. Was on People magazine’s list of the 50 Most Beautiful People in 1994.)

Budget/Gross – N/A / Domestic: $1,072,750 (Worldwide: $19,053,825)

(Wait … wait. Wait. No. But yes? So this was actually an odd duck. It was released widely for just two days in the US (September 7th and 8th). But then this seems to be a huge series in Germany or something? Because it made $4 million there alone! No wonder they still make these things, that probably is more than enough for a profit by itself.)

Rotten Tomatoes – 0% (0/6)

(There is really only one real review here. But here goes, let’s try a consensus: Nothing happens in this film. There is less than a bad episode of television worth of material, but yet you watch it all unfold in 90 minutes. The worst on screen romance in history.)

Reviewer Highlight: Can’t even charitably be said to be blah. It’s the space between the blahs. – Jessica Kiang, Variety

Poster – After After All

(Like the font and I like the framing or it all. But like… is it sexy enough? Am I wrong to kind of think this poster is for a not sexy movie? But that can’t be, can it? B-)

Tagline(s) – None

(Boooooooo. F. Let me give you one. Smooching is for the birds. Nailed it.)

Keyword(s) – year2022

Top 10: The Batman (2022), The Kashmir Files (2022), Top Gun: Maverick (2022), Doctor Strange in the Multiverse of Madness (2022), Thor: Love and Thunder (2022), Everything Everywhere All at Once (2022), Uncharted (2022), The Adam Project (2022), The Northman (2022), The Gray Man (2022)

Future BMT: 63.3 Firestarter (2022), 62.6 Jeepers Creepers: Reborn (2022), 60.8 Blacklight (2022), 52.1 Radhe Shyam (2022), 49.8 Umma (2022), 47.6 The Invitation (2022), 45.7 The 355 (2022), 44.2 Jurassic World: Dominion (2022), 37.7 Memory (2022), 24.7 Amsterdam (2022), 7.7 Black Adam (2022), 7.3 Where the Crawdads Sing (2022)

BMT: Moonfall (2022), Morbius (2022), After Ever Happy (2022), The King’s Daughter (2022), Prey for the Devil (2022), Don’t Worry Darling (2022)

Best Options (Comedy): 24.7 Amsterdam (2022)

(Oh huh … that’s right! Since we couldn’t do Amsterdam (it’s the only chain reaction film!), we decided to classify After Ever Happy as a comedy. Isn’t it? I mean … I find it hilarious. So isn’t it? Funniest comedy of the year in my opinion.)

Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 21) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Stephen Moyer is No. 7 billed in After Ever Happy and No. 10 billed in 88 Minutes, which also stars Leelee Sobieski (No. 3 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 1 billed) => (7 + 10) + (3 + 1) = 21. If we were to watch The Replacement Killers we can get the HoE Number down to 17.

Bolero Preview

Patrick and Kyle amble about the local Planetarium. The darkness makes it a perfect place to hide out. No fans mobbing him for Stallone’s autograph, no police asking him dumb questions about kidnapping. “This is nice, Mr. Stallone, but did you say we were here for a reason?” Patrick looks at him confused, “oh right… space and time… so like a wormhole?” He waits to see if that makes any sense. “That’s dumb, isn’t it?” Kyle nods. Patrick sits glumly on a bench and ponders his next move. If Jamie was here he’s sure they’d figure this out together. Instead he just has this dumb kid around. But just before he can tell Kyle how dumb he is a couple of fine looking ladies approach. “Excuse me, are you Sly Stallone?” they ask. Patrick nods, even though it’s not really true. “Oh my God!” one of them says, “I was just telling my friend that my only dream in the world is to have steamy sex with a big movie star like Sly Stallone.” Patrick is startled at their candor.

“It’s not about what we do. It’s about what you do?” Kyle tries to explain. “Imagine you are actually a bad guy who wants the Dongle, what would you do?” Jamie nods in understanding, “I would take it from you with my big muscles.” But when he looks at his shriveled 80-year-old arms he realizes that’s probably wrong. “No,” Kyle says exasperated, “you would say that you’re actually my long lost friend, right?” Jamie looks incredulous. “But I am your long lost friend.” Kyle throws up his hands in despair. Jamie sighs, if Patrick were here it wouldn’t be so hard. A panic overwhelms him. For the first time he wonders out loud, “But what if I’m Frank Stallone forever?”

That’s right! We’re finally watching Bolero, the Bo Derek film that pretty much ended her career as a feature film lead actress. We tend to avoid the non-thriller erotic films that Hollywood has churned out. But like Blame it on Rio, sometimes the idea is so bad you gotta do it. We are pairing it with another George Kennedy vehicle, The Terror Within, which looked like a fun post-apocalyptic horror film. Let’s go!

Bolero (1984) – BMeTric: 58.0; Notability: 21

StreetCreditReport.com – BMeTric: top 1.2%; Notability: top 10.8%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 0.0%; Higher BMeT: Supergirl, Rhinestone, The Hills Have Eyes Part II; Higher Notability: Cannonball Run II, Supergirl, City Heat, Protocol, Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo, The River, Unfaithfully Yours, Conan the Destroyer, The Woman in Red, Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter, Firstborn, Sheena, Rhinestone, American Dreamer, The Ice Pirates, Reckless, Exterminator 2, Firestarter, C.H.U.D., Breakin’, and 7 more; Notes: Oh yeah, that’s right, it’s a true blue 0% on Rotten Tomatoes film. And the BMeTric is solid to boot. That’s some cred.

RogerEbert.com – 0.5 stars – Let’s face it. Nobody is going to “Bolero” for the plot anyway. They’re going for the Good Parts. There are two Good Parts, not counting her naked ride on horseback, which was the only scene in the movie that had me wondering how she did it. The real future of “Bolero” is in home cassette rentals, where your fast forward and instant replay controls will supply the editing job the movie so desperately needs.

(Gross, but also true. Just saying it how it is Ebert. No one can fault you for that. And 0.5 is more than fair for this weirdo film.)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PpAk1A04gng/

(Dares to be different. Dares to be daring. LOL. That is one way of saying this movie is undeniably terrible … but it is borderline porn, so there we go.)

Directors – John Derek – ( Known For: Tarzan the Ape Man; Ghosts Can’t Do It; Fantasies; Once Before I Die; Nightmare in the Sun; A Boy… a Girl; Childish Things; BMT: Bolero; Razzie Notes: Winner for Worst Director in 1985 for Bolero; and in 1991 for Ghosts Can’t Do It; Winner for Worst Screenplay for Bolero in 1985; Nominee for Worst Director for Tarzan the Ape Man in 1982; and Nominee for Worst Screenplay for Ghosts Can’t Do It in 1991; Notes: Yeah, so John Derek and Bo Derek met when she was seventeen and they moved to Germany and then Mexico in order to make sure he didn’t get arrested for statutory rape until Bo Derek turned eighteen.)

Writers – John Derek – ( Known For: Ghosts Can’t Do It; Fantasies; A Boy… a Girl; BMT: Bolero; Razzie Notes: Winner for Worst Director in 1985 for Bolero; and in 1991 for Ghosts Can’t Do It; Winner for Worst Screenplay for Bolero in 1985; Nominee for Worst Director for Tarzan the Ape Man in 1982; and Nominee for Worst Screenplay for Ghosts Can’t Do It in 1991; Notes: Was an actor mostly, including appearing in The Ten Commandments. He wrote and directed later in life.)

Actors – Bo Derek – ( Known For: Tommy Boy; 10; Tarzan the Ape Man; Orca; Ghosts Can’t Do It; Woman of Desire; Fantasies; 5 Weddings; People Cover Story: Bachelorette Baby Boom; Highland Park; Frozen with Fear; Sognando la California; Future BMT: Malibu’s Most Wanted; BMT: The Master of Disguise; Bolero; A Change of Seasons; Razzie Notes: Winner for Worst Actress in 1982 for Mommie Dearest, and Tarzan the Ape Man; in 1985 for Bolero; and in 1991 for Ghosts Can’t Do It; Winner for Worst Actress of the Decade in 1990 for Bolero, and Tarzan the Ape Man; Nominee for Worst Supporting Actress in 1996 for Tommy Boy; and in 2003 for The Master of Disguise; Nominee for Worst Actress of the Century in 2000 for Bolero, Ghosts Can’t Do It, and Tarzan the Ape Man; and Nominee for Worst Picture of the Decade for Bolero in 1990; Notes: Was notably older than her step children when she met and married John Derek. She mostly acted in her husband’s productions early in her career.)

George Kennedy – ( Known For: The Naked Gun: From the Files of Police Squad!; The Dirty Dozen; Cool Hand Luke; Small Soldiers; Death on the Nile; Charade; The Flight of the Phoenix; The Eiger Sanction; Naked Gun 33 1/3: The Final Insult; Thunderbolt and Lightfoot; The Naked Gun 2½: The Smell of Fear; The Gambler; Earthquake; Hush…Hush, Sweet Charlotte; Shenandoah; In Harm’s Way; Airport; Airport ’77; The Boston Strangler; Airport 1975; Future BMT: Creepshow 2; The Delta Force; View from the Top; BMT: Bolero; Razzie Notes: Nominee for Worst Supporting Actor for Bolero in 1985; Notes: Won an Oscar for Cool Hand Luke for Supporting Actor. He then became a pretty big B-movie actor in the 80s in things like Hired to Kill and Brain Dead.)

Andrea Occhipinti – ( Known For: The Sea Inside; The New York Ripper; Miranda; Conquest; A Blade in the Dark; The Family; Priest of Love; Más allá del jardín; Control; The Jeweller’s Shop; Amor de hombre; Who Killed Pasolini?; Queens; Horses; Tracce di vita amorosa; Preferisco il rumore del mare; BMT: Bolero; Razzie Notes: Nominee for Worst New Star for Bolero in 1985; Notes: Is Italian, although in this film he plays a Spanish person.)

Budget/Gross – $7 million / Domestic: $8,914,881 (Worldwide: $8,914,881)

(That’s not awesome, but again, I’m pretty skeptical of the budget. Also while early, it almost certainly made money eventually on home video or late-night cable packages.)

Rotten Tomatoes – 0% (0/23): Bolero combines a ludicrous storyline and wildly mismatched cast in its desperate attempts to titillate, but only succeeds in arousing boredom.

(That is a ton of reviews to still have 0%. And not surprising after watching this film. It is insanely weird, boring, and bad.)

Reviewer Highlight: Poor Bo no sooner has her initial introduction to amour than the new lover gets gored in a sensitive location, putting him out of commission. – Variety

Poster – Nolero

(I’m not sure what to say about this. It’s abstract and artsy in a way I can’t understand. Maybe I’m not creative enough. Just seems like a jumble of pictures that wishes it could just show you a naked lady on a horse. I like the font a lot though. The pink pops. C-.)

Tagline(s) – An Adventure in Ecstasy (C)

(It’s not lying. It’s also not all that interesting. Although, I’ll have to study the film very closely to make sure that’s true.)

Keyword(s) – past

Top 10: The Shawshank Redemption (1994), Forrest Gump (1994), The Dark Knight Rises (2012), Django Unchained (2012), Gladiator (2000), Inglourious Basterds (2009), Saving Private Ryan (1998), Schindler’s List (1993), The Prestige (2006), Shutter Island (2010)

Future BMT: 88.7 BloodRayne (2005), 73.0 The Unborn (2009), 70.4 Texas Chainsaw (2013), 70.2 Black Christmas (2006), 69.9 Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III (1993), 65.9 The Woman in Black 2: Angel of Death (2014), 64.6 The Final Destination (2009), 62.1 The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor (2008), 59.8 Exorcist: The Beginning (2004), 56.8 Robin Hood (2018), 55.1 Annabelle (2014), 54.9 The Quiet Ones (2014), 54.5 Snow Dogs (2002), 53.8 Spy Hard (1996), 53.1 Porky’s Revenge (1985), 52.4 2016: Obama’s America (2012), 52.1 Radhe Shyam (2022), 51.6 Porky’s II: The Next Day (1983), 50.2 The Last Legion (2007), 50.1 Halloween Kills (2021) … (and many more)

BMT: Epic Movie (2007), Superman IV: The Quest for Peace (1987), The Fog (2005), Movie 43 (2013), Super Mario Bros. (1993), Glitter (2001), Holmes & Watson (2018), The Master of Disguise (2002), The Legend of Hercules (2014), Grease 2 (1982), The Bye Bye Man (2017), Jonah Hex (2010), Freddy’s Dead: The Final Nightmare (1991), Wild Wild West (1999), Highlander: The Final Dimension (1994), The Ridiculous 6 (2015), Highlander: Endgame (2000), Black Knight (2001), Chernobyl Diaries (2012), A Nightmare on Elm Street 5: The Dream Child (1989), Cool World (1992), The Musketeer (2001), An American Haunting (2005), Apollo 18 (2011), Ishtar (1987), The Curse of La Llorona (2019), The Nun (2018), Pinocchio (2002), Hellraiser: Bloodline (1996), Bolero (1984), Bones (2001), Shanghai Surprise (1986), Return to the Blue Lagoon (1991), House of Wax (2005), Season of the Witch (2011), The Tuxedo (2002), Mannequin: On the Move (1991), Pompeii (2014), Ghost Ship (2002), Assassin’s Creed (2016), The Scarlet Letter (1995), Dolittle (2020), Timeline (2003), The Quest (1996), X-Men: Dark Phoenix (2019), Wagons East (1994), The Three Musketeers (2011), Diana (2013), Ben-Hur (2016), Rambo III (1988), Around the World in 80 Days (2004), The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning (2006), The Blue Lagoon (1980), Cutthroat Island (1995), Texas Rangers (2001), Sucker Punch (2011), Captain Corelli’s Mandolin (2001), Jobs (2013), Dirty Dancing: Havana Nights (2004), Friday the 13th Part 2 (1981), Original Sin (2001), Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters (2013), American Outlaws (2001), Universal Soldier (1992), Winter’s Tale (2014), Harlem Nights (1989), I Dreamed of Africa (2000), The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (2003), The Identical (2014), The Chamber (1996), The Marrying Man (1991), Wild Bill (1995), In Love and War (1996), Sleepaway Camp (1983), Gods and Generals (2003), The Lone Ranger (2013), X-Men Origins: Wolverine (2009), Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales (2017), Rambo: First Blood Part II (1985), Halloween II (1981), September Dawn (2007), Young Guns II (1990), Oscar (1991), Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides (2011), Evening (2007), The 13th Warrior (1999), White Comanche (1968), Gangster Squad (2013), Now and Then (1995), A Dog’s Purpose (2017)

Best Options (Romance): 58.0 Bolero (1984), 52.1 Radhe Shyam (2022), 47.3 Bad Girls (1994), 37.9 Nine (2009), 36.7 The Legend of Zorro (2005), 32.3 Mary Reilly (1996), 32.2 All the Pretty Horses (2000), 27.3 The Bride (1985), 23.3 Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein (1994), 23.3 Tulip Fever (2017), 22.6 A Night in the Life of Jimmy Reardon (1988), 20.6 Havana (1990), 20.6 Year of the Gun (1991), 18.7 Love in the Time of Cholera (2007), 16.7 Inventing the Abbotts (1997), 14.5 Mrs. Soffel (1984), 13.0 Corrina, Corrina (1994), 13.0 Heartbreak Hotel (1988), 12.0 Great Expectations (1998), 11.9 Tristan + Isolde (2006), 9.9 Snow Falling on Cedars (1999), 9.3 Stealing Home (1988), 9.0 The Longest Ride (2015), 8.6 Bobby Jones: Stroke of Genius (2004), 6.5 The Phantom of the Opera (2004), 5.9 Heaven Help Us (1985), 5.4 Memoirs of a Geisha (2005)

(We finally did it! We finally did Bolero. And there it was, just sitting there waiting for us to do it as the top option for a romance set in the past. How could we skip it? Not a chance.)

Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 20) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Bo Derek is No. 1 billed in Bolero and No. 3 billed in A Change of Seasons, which also stars Shirley MacLaine (No. 1 billed) who is in Mrs. Winterbourne (No. 1 billed) which also stars Brendan Fraser (No. 3 billed) who is in Escape from Planet Earth (No. 1 billed) which also stars Jessica Alba (No. 2 billed) who is in Mechanic: Resurrection (No. 2 billed) which also stars Jason Statham (No. 1 billed) who is in In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale (No. 1 billed) which also stars Leelee Sobieski (No. 3 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 1 billed) => (1 + 3) + (1 + 1) + (3 + 1) + (2 + 2) + (1 + 1) + (3 + 1) = 20. If we were to watch The Big Green, and Surrender we can get the HoE Number down to 18.

Notes – Olivia d’Abo, who was 14 at the time, appeared nude in several scenes.

Olivia D’Abo said in an interview in 1986 that she matured physically at age 13, a year before making this movie. In fact she said director John Derek thought she had breast implants until she took her clothes off on set the first time and he saw her breasts were natural.

This film was the final nail in the coffin of The Cannon Group, Inc. and Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer deal that saw MGM distribute all of Cannon’s films in the U.S.

Rather than allow the film to be released with an X-rating, John Derek chose to release the film unrated instead. According to Wikipedia, “Bolero (1984) was released with no MPAA rating. Its nudity and sexual content disqualified it from an R rating. At the time of release, the NC-17 rating had not yet been established and the only higher rating being X, John Derek decided to release the film unrated. The film is officially on DVD with an R rating with no cuts.”

It was widely rumored in the media at the time of the film’s release that the final love scene wasn’t simulated.

For the horseback bullfighting scenes, the stars were doubled by brothers Ángel Peralta (Derek) and Rafael Peralta (Occhipinti).

According to Bo Derek, producer Menahem Golan would send her and John Derek memos to make the film more “erotic”. Derek would state that the film “was already erotic” enough.

Penultimate movie directed by John Derek. Ghosts Can’t Do It (1989) was his last.

According to Menahem Golan, the home video rights sold for $1.5 million.

Reportedly, writer and director John Derek had contractual final cut say rights over the picture.

Awards – Nominee for the Razzie Award for Worst Picture of the Decade (Bo Derek, 1990)

Winner for the Razzie Award for Worst Picture (Bo Derek, 1985)

Winner for the Razzie Award for Worst Actress (Bo Derek, 1985)

Winner for the Razzie Award for Worst Director (John Derek, 1985)

Winner for the Razzie Award for Worst Screenplay (John Derek, 1985)

Winner for the Razzie Award for Worst Musical Score (Peter Bernstein, Elmer Bernstein, 1985)

Winner for the Razzie Award for Worst New Star (Olivia d’Abo, 1985)

Nominee for the Razzie Award for Worst Supporting Actor (George Kennedy, 1985)

Nominee for the Razzie Award for Worst Supporting Actress (Olivia d’Abo, 1985)

Nominee for the Razzie Award for Worst New Star (Andrea Occhipinti, 1985)

Meatballs Part II Preview

“So we are in the past,” Jamie says with wonder, thinking back on all the adventures they had in the gardens of the water reclamation plant. Everything was so simple and uncomplicated. Just a couple of scamps running around causing chaos, pretending they were saving the world. Their eyes fill with tears at the memory. Who would have thought that all these years later they actually would be saving the world? And even crazier, that they would find it so boring that they’d risk their lives, risk all time and space, by going back in time on a new adventure they barely understand. They look at each other, the tears now spilling down their cheeks. “We’ve made a terrible mistake, we shouldn’t be here,” Patrick says quietly and Jamie agrees, but before they can head back to the time machine they hear a noise in the clearing down below. Crouching down, they see the younger versions of themselves running through the brush. They are carrying some comic books and arguing over the latest issue. “What was it we used to read?” Jamie asks in a whisper. Patrick smiles at the thought that Jamie could forget their favorite weekly comic series, Bad Movie Thursday. It’s not like they invented watching bad movies. They just turned it into a billion dollar franchise and legions of fans across the world (including Antarctica, duh). Just as Young Jamie and Young Patrick’s argument reaches a crescendo a few more kids come out of the brush and stop dead at the sight of Jamie and Patrick. Jamie and Patrick frown. “I don’t remember these kids, do you?” Jamie asks and Patrick nods slightly, mesmerized and horrified by what he knows comes next. “Yo, you meatballs, what are you doing on our turf,” Young Patrick yells. That’s right! We’re diving in on our short and sweet cycle with the second entry in a beloved series from our youth, Meatballs II. I can’t even tell you how many times I’ve seen Meatballs. I can tell you how many times I’ve seen Meatballs II. That would be zero. Soon to be one. Let’s go!

Meatballs Part II (1984) – BMeTric: 38.5; Notability: 24

StreetCreditReport.com – BMeTric: top 3.6%; Notability: top 10.8%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 0.0%; Higher BMeT: Supergirl, Ghoulies, Rhinestone, The Hills Have Eyes Part II, Bolero, Cannonball Run II, Children of the Corn, Missing in Action, Sheena; Higher Notability: Cannonball Run II, Supergirl, City Heat, Protocol, Mrs. Soffel, Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo, The River, Unfaithfully Yours, Conan the Destroyer, The Woman in Red, Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter, Firstborn, Sheena, American Dreamer, The Ice Pirates, Rhinestone, Reckless, Exterminator 2, C.H.U.D., Maria’s Lovers, and 7 more; Notes: We’ve been doing a lot of research into how to determine if pre-1985 films qualify, and I think really it comes down to if the film had a New York Times film review. Amazingly Meatballs 2 did. And all of those with higher BMeTrics did as well. Phew, we can finally start really watching early 1980s garbage.

Leonard Maltin – 2 stars –  In-name-only sequel throws everything from Jewish aliens from to From Here to Eternity take-off, as the fate of Camp Sasquatch rides on a boxing match against nearby Camp Patton (“Where Outdoor Living Molds Killers”). Slightly better than its predecessor (which isn’t saying much).

(Whaaaaaaaaaa? The original Meatballs is a classic! Wait … I’m starting to get a feeling Leonard Maltin didn’t watch Meatballs 500 times on Comedy Central when they were 10-years-old.)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=01ILPQLKWsY

(I don’t think there is a real trailer online. Just clips. This is as close as it is going to get. And it looks awful. Interesting to see John Larroquette, who was playing a similar character in the Bill Murray film, Stripes.)

Directors – Ken Wiederhorn – ( Known For: Eyes of a Stranger; Shock Waves; Dark Tower; A House in the Hills; Future BMT: Return of the Living Dead II; BMT: Meatballs Part II; Notes: He directed seven episodes of the, frankly terrible, Nightmare on Elm Street television series. Dropped out of college and started as the mail boy at CBS before working himself up to a film writer and director.)

Writers – Martin Kitrosser – ( Known For: Facing the Enemy; Model Behavior; BMT: Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter; Friday the 13th Part III; Friday the 13th: A New Beginning; Meatballs Part II; Notes: I have to imagine that his connection to Friday the 13th was the inspiration for what seemed to have started as a Meatballs knockoff and then became a Meatballs sequel.)

Carol Watson – ( BMT: Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter; Friday the 13th Part III; Meatballs Part II; Notes: Was a staff writer for South Park for at least a bit. Also part of the Friday the 13th writing team clearly, so I imagine her and Kitrosser made the original script.)

Bruce Franklin Singer – ( Known For: The Killing Time; BMT: Meatballs Part II; Notes: Mostly a television writer, including 16 episodes of Subset Beach. I would guess he is the person they hired to rework and punch up the script a bit.)

Actors – Richard Mulligan – ( Known For: The Group; The Undefeated; From the Mixed-Up Files of Mrs. Basil E. Frankweiler; Oliver & Company; Little Big Man; S.O.B.; Love with the Proper Stranger; Teachers; Scavenger Hunt; The Big Bus; Micki + Maude; 40 Pounds of Trouble; One Potato, Two Potato; Doin’ Time; Visit to a Chief’s Son; Future BMT: The Heavenly Kid; Trail of the Pink Panther; A Fine Mess; BMT: Meatballs Part II; Notes: Brother of Robert Mulligan who directed To Kill a Mockingbird. He won an Emmy for Empty Nest, and died in 2000.)

Hamilton Camp – ( Known For: The Little Mermaid; Dick Tracy; Starcrash; Heaven Can Wait; Doctor Dolittle; S.O.B.; Titanic; Eating Raoul; My Cousin Rachel; Bird; Evilspeak; No Small Affair; Under Fire; The Black Shield of Falworth; Nickelodeon; Dark City; All Night Long; Arena; Executive Suite; Kim; Future BMT: Joe Dirt; City Heat; Almost Heroes; All Dogs Go to Heaven 2; The Pebble and the Penguin; Young Doctors in Love; Gordy; BMT: Meatballs Part II; Notes: British, he was evacuated to the US during World War II when he was a child. He died in 2005. He is notable for being relatively short, five foot two inches.)

John Mengatti – ( Known For: Tag: The Assassination Game; Knights of the City; Dead Men Don’t Die; Hadley’s Rebellion; BMT: Meatballs Part II; Notes: Has a pretty solid television career in the early 80s, including 34 episodes of The White Shadow. His career didn’t take off in the 90s, and he stopped acting in the early 2000s.)

Budget/Gross – N/A / Domestic: $5,410,972 (Worldwide: $5,410,972)

(These are the reasons we have to look into some of these films. You can’t make $5 million without being widely released, but there also are often not good numbers for anything prior to 1985. This seems like a bad return though, even for a minor comedy.)

Rotten Tomatoes – 0% (0/2)

(Hard to make a consensus with two reviews. Does this qualify? We think so. The issue can be that some reviews are, for whatever reason, not available. Here it suggests there are at least 4 other publications reported on Meatballs II, but unfortunately none seem to be available online.)

Reviewer Highlight: Pallid writing, awkward acting, familiar situations and tired jokes make the morons, wimps and losers of ”Meatballs Part II” easy to pass up. – Lawrence Van Gelder, New York Times

Poster – Sklogballs II

(I love 80’s posters. The complicated drawings of comedies like the Police Academy films. This one is a little underwhelming. Even the poster artist seemed to realize there was only so much to this film to draw. All that said, still got that 80’s artistry. B.)

Tagline(s) – The insanity continues… (D)

(Ah well, this is not good. Such a lack of creativity when it comes to sequels. Probably because they know that a tagline isn’t hooking anyone who isn’t already hooked by the concept of another Meatballs. Sigh.)

Keyword(s) – summer-camp

Top 10: Lolita (1997), Wonder (2017), The Parent Trap (1998), A Simple Favor (2018), Before Sunrise (1995), Friday the 13th (1980), Addams Family Values (1993), Friday the 13th (2009), Fear Street: Part Two – 1978 (2021), Mask (1985)

Future BMT: 77.9 Daddy Day Camp (2007), 62.8 Agent Cody Banks 2: Destination London (2004), 59.3 Agent Cody Banks (2003), 31.7 It Takes Two (1995), 29.2 The Story of Us (1999), 28.5 Fired Up! (2009), 27.7 Wonder Park (2019), 21.6 Camp Nowhere (1994), 12.8 Heavyweights (1995)

BMT: Friday the 13th (2009), Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter (1984), Jason X (2001), Sleepaway Camp (1983), Friday the 13th Part 2 (1981), Friday the 13th Part VII: The New Blood (1988), Friday the 13th: A New Beginning (1985), Jason Goes to Hell: The Final Friday (1993), Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan (1989), Meatballs Part II (1984)

Matches: The Parent Trap (1998), Friday the 13th (1980), Addams Family Values (1993), Sleepaway Camp (1983), The Burning (1981), Friday the 13th Part 2 (1981), Little Darlings (1980), Rim of the World (2019), The Baby-Sitters Club (1995), Camp Nowhere (1994), Sleepaway Camp II: Unhappy Campers (1988), Ernest Goes to Camp (1987), The Story of Us (1999), Indian Summer (1993), Standing Up (2013), The First Turn-On!! (1983), Cheerleader Camp (1988), Daddy Day Camp (2007), Recess: School’s Out (2001), Gorp (1980), Meatballs Part II (1984), Madman (1981), Care Bears Movie II: A New Generation (1986), Happy Campers (2001), My Little Pony: Equestria Girls – Legend of Everfree (2016), Party Camp (1987), The Rainbow Tribe (2008), Family Plan (1997), Twisted Nightmare (1987), Camp Dread (2014), Camp Takota (2014), Camp (2013), Summerhood (2008), Caesar and Otto’s Summer Camp Massacre (2009), Porkchop (2010), Camp Stories (1996), Camp Harlow (2014), Darkest Hour (2005), Geronimo (1990), Sasquatch (2017)

(My god, we haven’t watched Heavyweights for BMT yet? How dare we. Amazingly this is the last 80s summer camp film we needed to watch for BMT, and yet we have watched basically none of the 90s summer camp films.)

Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 40) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: John Larroquette is No. 3 billed in Meatballs Part II and No. 18 billed in The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning, which also stars Jordana Brewster (No. 1 billed) who is in Fast & Furious (No. 4 billed) which also stars Vin Diesel (No. 1 billed) who is in Babylon A.D. (No. 1 billed) which also stars Michelle Yeoh (No. 2 billed) who is in Mechanic: Resurrection (No. 4 billed) which also stars Jason Statham (No. 1 billed) who is in In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale (No. 1 billed) which also stars Leelee Sobieski (No. 3 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 1 billed) => (3 + 18) + (1 + 4) + (1 + 1) + (2 + 4) + (1 + 1) + (3 + 1) = 40. If we were to watch Blind Date, Nights in Rodanthe, and The Glass House we can get the HoE Number down to 17.

Notes – Misty Rowe wore a heavily padded bra in order to play the top heavy Fanny.

The film was never intended as a sequel to Meatballs. When the studio picked it up they changed the name to Meatballs Part II, much to the surprise of director Ken Wiederhorn.

The horror film that the kids watch is Shock Waves (1977), also directed by Ken Wiederhorn.

Cheryl (‘Richards, Kim’) is asked if she comes from another planet (due to her lack of experience with boys). Cheryl replies that she sort of is. Richards played a young alien girl, marooned on earth, in two Disney movies: Escape to Witch Mountain (1975), and Return from Witch Mountain (1978).

After We Fell Preview

It was all so hard to comprehend. Could it be that they could be scapegoated as the bad guys in an effort to continue the never ending cycle of BMT? That someday they’d be laughing it up in their villa in Stockholm or Athens or Mozambique or wherever and suddenly a couple of new, rad Bad Movie Twins would twin chop them down to take their place? “It’s… impossible!” Jamie screams again in anguish, but he and Patrick also know that there was truth there. Things had gotten so… complicated. Deep down they could feel that Lou Cash was right. They solemnly nod their heads and quickly jot down a note for Kyle and Rachel. “Give this to them when the time is right,” Patrick explains and Lou Cash says he will. Jamie and Patrick predator high five in case it’s the last time they’ll ever get a chance and climb into the Deconvoluting Machine. As it powers on, things warp and change around them. One second they are children and the next old men. Their lives and all their many future lives flash before their eyes. Fighting Scott Bakula, winning the 2033 Nobel Peace Prize, working Predator Patrol, exploring Mars, and walking the sands of the wastelands of the BMTverse. Tears stream down their faces as they realize the knife’s edge they had been walking, the horror of where they were heading and yet always keeping at bay the chaos that is the ultimate product of the power of the Dongle. The feeling was that of riding a rocket into space, their bodies pushed against their seats to the point of near unconsciousness. And just when it felt like they would succumb to the pressure… they fell. That’s right! We were very happy to see that the After franchise continued this year with the third in the series After We Fell. It’s the story of a love and honestly I remember kinda liking the second entry. Somehow it managed a very brief wide release in theaters so we thought it would be fun to pair it up with Woman in the Window as Bring a Friend. That film was meant to be a wide release film, but ultimately after a number of reshoots it was released to Netflix instead. Let’s go!

After We Fell (2021) – BMeTric: 51.9; Notability: 16

StreetCreditReport.com – BMeTric: top 4.8%; Notability: top 11.6%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 0.0%; Higher BMeT: Space Jam: A New Legacy, Thunder Force, Home Sweet Home Alone, He’s All That, Cosmic Sin, Deadly Illusions, Music, Awake, The Misfits, Spiral, The Unholy, Tom and Jerry; Higher Notability: Space Jam: A New Legacy, Tom and Jerry, Music, Chaos Walking, Infinite, The Addams Family 2, Home Sweet Home Alone, Hitman’s Wife’s Bodyguard, Red Notice, Dear Evan Hansen, Snake Eyes, Sweet Girl, Cherry, The Starling, Thunder Force, The Unforgivable, Reminiscence, The Birthday Cake, The Woman in the Window, Voyagers, and 9 more; Notes: Yeeeeeeeeeeah. The BMeTric is becoming slightly more important from a bad movie perspective as so many films don’t qualify, but are major releases. Impressive 0%, and impressive this actually did get released (for one day) at over 600 theaters.

AV Club – D –  For those keeping track at home, we’re now three installments deep into a franchise that started as One Direction fan fiction before morphing into a sort of Fifty Shades Of Grey for teenagers. … The problem is that most of After We Fell is too boring to even lend itself to mockery. The movie comes close to the right lack of self-awareness in a scene where Hardin watches in increasing sexual fervor as Tessa does some basic white girl hip-swaying at an office party. But you’ve got to sit through an awful lot of stilted scene work to get there.

(Boring isn’t good. But jokes on them, I love this kind of garbage and I’m also in too deep. I’ve seen the other two and I would watch a season of After webisodes if they were served to me in a convenient manner. I mean, I wouldn’t pay for them, but I would secretly watch them and then tell my wife about them for an hour one night when I got drunk. That would happen.)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NYdNN6C9hfI/

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NYdNN6C9hfI/

(Man that seems dramatic. Glad to see Hardin still punching people. Such a bad boy. So broken. So sexy.)

Directors – Castille Landon – ( Known For: Fear of Rain; BMT: After We Fell; Notes: She appears to be a major director for the new Wattpad film studio. She is slated to direct Perfect Addiction, about a boxing trainer who trains her ex-boyfriend’s foe after she learns her ex cheated on her. She is also directing the next two After sequels and the prequel.)

Writers – Anna Todd – ( Known For: After We Collided; BMT: After We Fell; After; Notes: The writer of the book which was originally One Direction fanfiction on Wattpad which makes sense that it is part of Wattpad Productions. Is Wattpad Productions the house that After built? Probably.)

Sharon Soboil – ( BMT: After We Fell; Notes: Also wrote the sequel. Has another film in production called Of Corset’s Mine.)

Actors – Josephine Langford – ( Known For: After We Collided; Moxie; Future BMT: Wish Upon; BMT: After We Fell; After; Notes: Australian, her sister is also an actress and was the star of 13 Reasons Why. Is in the next film, but doesn’t seem to be contracted for the other two (and I don’t know if her character is necessarily in those).)

Hero Fiennes Tiffin – ( Known For: Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince; After We Collided; The Silencing; Private Peaceful; Bigga Than Ben; BMT: After We Fell; After; Notes: Yup, he’s the nephew of Ralph Fiennes. He is also not contracted for the other two films, so I assume it follows a different After Cinematic Universe story of some kind. He’s slated for a few films which sound like direct-to-Netflix fare.)

Louise Lombard – ( Known For: After We Collided; Hidalgo; Tale of the Mummy; My Kingdom; Lichnyy nomer; BMT: After We Fell; Notes: Ah, she plays Hardin’s mother. I’m pretty surprised she is a bit part of this one. She was a British star to some degree it looks like, starring in The House of Eliott.)

Budget/Gross – N/A / Domestic: $2,170,750 (Worldwide: $21,782,642)

(That is a lot more money than I expected. I think Wattpad Productions will be okay …)

Rotten Tomatoes – 0% (0/11)

(Ooooo I get to make a consensus: A boring barely-movie with boring sex. Uh-oh … that seems bad.)

Reviewer Highlight: Should come with a warning to viewers: contains extremely boring sex. – Cath Clarke, Guardian

Poster – After We Smelled

(I was hoping they would return to the form of the first film and give us an ultra sexy poster. But alas, just a poster smeared with Vaseline. Font is the only thing I’m digging and doesn’t nearly approach the hilarity of this alternate poster for the second film.)

Tagline – None.

(F obviously. And no, I don’t consider ‘Based on the Best-Selling Worldwide Phenomenon’ a tagline cause that would still be an F.)

Keyword(s) – based-on-young-adult-novel

Top 10: Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone (2001), Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire (2005), Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2 (2011), Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban (2004), Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets (2002), The Hunger Games (2012), Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix (2007), Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 1 (2010), Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince (2009), After We Fell (2021)

Future BMT: 43.9 Allegiant (2016), 38.0 Cirque du Freak: The Vampire’s Assistant (2009), 37.3 Chaos Walking (2021), 37.1 The Mortal Instruments: City of Bones (2013), 33.8 How to Deal (2003), 30.4 Mortal Engines (2018), 27.7 The Divergent Series: Insurgent (2015), 14.5 If I Stay (2014)

BMT: After We Fell (2021), The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1 (2011), I Am Number Four (2011), The Twilight Saga: New Moon (2009), The Host (2013), The 5th Wave (2016), Vampire Academy (2014), The Darkest Minds (2018), Beastly (2011)

Matches: None

(The no matches would be expected haha. God there are so many still to do. How to Deal seems exciting. The plot is awesome, just nothing prior to 2000 (was there no designation or something?). And the genre died, although I would guess that it has just moved to streaming in general. You will be sorely missed, but maybe Wattpad can save it! I hope so, these films are hilarious.)

Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 21) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Stephen Moyer is No. 7 billed in After We Fell and No. 10 billed in 88 Minutes, which also stars Leelee Sobieski (No. 3 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 1 billed) => (7 + 10) + (3 + 1) = 21. If we were to watch The Replacement Killers we can get the HoE Number down to 17.

Notes – Due to the Covid-19 Pandemic, After We Fell (2021) was shot back to back with the final film After Ever Happy (2022) in Sofia, (Bulgaria) as opposed to Atlanta, Georgia (USA) where the first 2 movies were filmed. Sofia was chosen due to low cases and was considered Covid safe at the time.

Stephen Moyer replaces Charlie Weber as Christian Vance. Mira Sorvino replaces Selma Blair as Carol Young. Chance Perdono replaces Shane Paul McGhie as Landon. Arielle Kebbel replaces Candace King as Kimberley. (This might get confusing)

Police Academy 6: City Under Siege Preview

Having jacked in to hack jack port, Patrick swims through cyberspace like a beautiful otter. “Have you done this before?” asks Kyle, struggling to figure out the physics of this strange new world. “Yeah,” starts Patrick, remembering back to Rich and Po3: Dark Web 3D, “kinda… when Jamie and I were Rich and Poe,” he continues but stops and shrugs. It’s all pretty confusing at this point. Their task, on the other hand, should be pretty simple, just find the trash folder (probably) and hack the planet and get Kyle’s website approved as an official reviewer. But as they look around they suddenly hear a booming voice, “Bad Movie Twin, where is your stupider half? Or are you the stupid one, I always forget.” A bead of sweat forms on Patrick’s forehead. I can’t be. “What is it?” asks Kyle, eyes wide. “Gruber,” Patrick says in a whisper as Gruber’s laughter begins to echo through cyberspace. Patrick clenches his eyes closed. “It can’t be. He’s not real. He was never real.” He lets out a bellow and when he opens his eyes he finds himself in a police station. On his chest is a name tag, “Rich.” Kyle is pale with fear and jumps when a man angrily screams for Rich and Gruber to get the hell in his office. Kyle holds up his own name tag, “Gruber,” and Patrick’s mouth runs dry. “It’s just a simulation, playing on my fears” he reassures Kyle (but mostly himself), “we just have to break the mainframe and everything will be OK.” When they get to his office, the Captain throws a couple of pieces of paper at them. Airline tickets… to Party Town, USA? The captain scowls, “The city’s under siege… and the Vice President has been taken hostage.” That’s right! We are doing double duty this week by watching not one, but three Police Academy films! We are officially finishing the series with Police Academy’s 5, 6, and 7, all three of which got a BOMB rating from Leonard and the last of which (Mission to Moscow) failed to make it to a wide theatrical release. It is perfection for the Bring a Friend entry in the cycle. Let’s go!

Police Academy 6: City Under Siege (1989) – BMeTric: 75.0; Notability: 44

StreetCreditReport.com – BMeTric: top 0.0%; Notability: top 4.4%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 0.0%; Higher Notability: Tango & Cash, Troop Beverly Hills, Star Trek V: The Final Frontier, A Nightmare on Elm Street: The Dream Child, See No Evil, Hear No Evil, Fletch Lives, Harlem Nights, Leviathan, Pink Cadillac, Family Business, Lock Up; Notes: Only 124 films with BMeTrics above 75, and we’ve seen about 70% of them. This series is just a bounty of incredible cred.

Leonard Maltin – BOMB –  Those wacky cops are back to solve a crime wave perpetrated by a trio that makes The Three Stooges look like Nobel laureates. This entry is only – repeat only – for those who thought Police Academy 5 was robbed at Oscar time.

(Or it is for people who are watching the entire series in a weird weekly bad movie thing …)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f52e7LNT474/

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f52e7LNT474/

(The return of the monster truck! They really do just need a few things to make one of these. A rag-tag group of police officers, and something to drive around at the end for a big chase scene. That’s it.)

Directors – Peter Bonerz – (Known For: Nobody’s Perfekt; BMT: Police Academy 6: City Under Siege; Notes: Nominated for an Emmy for directing Murphy Brown. And yeah, everyone notes that the guy who directed Police Academy 6 is names “Bonerz”.)

Writers – Neal Israel – (Known For: Real Genius; Bachelor Party; Police Academy 3: Back in Training; Police Academy: Mission to Moscow; Moving Violations; Americathon; Tunnel Vision; Future BMT: Look Who’s Talking Too; BMT: Police Academy; Police Academy 4: Citizens on Patrol; Police Academy 2: Their First Assignment; Police Academy 5: Assignment: Miami Beach; Police Academy 6: City Under Siege; Notes: Again, just has a character credit from the first film. The move recent thing he has a writing credit for is Jinxed a TV movie from 2013.)

Pat Proft – (Known For: Real Genius; The Naked Gun: From the Files of Police Squad!; Hot Shots!; Naked Gun 33 1/3: The Final Insult; Bachelor Party; Hot Shots! Part Deux; Police Academy 3: Back in Training; The Naked Gun 2½: The Smell of Fear; Police Academy: Mission to Moscow; Moving Violations; Brain Donors; Lucky Stiff; Future BMT: Scary Movie 3; Scary Movie 4; Wrongfully Accused; Mr. Magoo; High School High; BMT: Police Academy; Scary Movie 5; Police Academy 4: Citizens on Patrol; Police Academy 2: Their First Assignment; Police Academy 5: Assignment: Miami Beach; Police Academy 6: City Under Siege; Notes: And again, just has a credit for the first film. Interestingly, he wrote several episodes of Police Squad!)

Stephen Curwick – (BMT: Police Academy 5: Assignment: Miami Beach; Police Academy 6: City Under Siege; Notes: Wrote five episodes of Family Ties. Interestingly, given the credits on the film, it would appear that the sixth film only has characters who appeared in the original Police Academy.)

Actors – Bubba Smith – (Known For: Police Academy 3: Back in Training; Gremlins 2: The New Batch; Black Moon Rising; The Silence of the Hams; The Naked Truth; Full Clip; Down ‘n Dirty; The Wild Pair; Future BMT: Stroker Ace; BMT: Police Academy; Police Academy 4: Citizens on Patrol; Police Academy 2: Their First Assignment; Police Academy 5: Assignment: Miami Beach; Police Academy 6: City Under Siege; Notes: Again, a former NFL player turned actor. Refused to appear in the seventh film because they wouldn’t bring the character of Hooks back.)

David Graf – (Known For: The Brady Bunch Movie; Police Academy 3: Back in Training; Police Academy: Mission to Moscow; Guarding Tess; Irreconcilable Differences; Fist of Legend; Citizen Ruth; Georgia’s Friends; Suture; Love at Stake; The Enforcer; American Kickboxer 2; Future BMT: Rules of Engagement; BMT: Police Academy; Police Academy 4: Citizens on Patrol; Police Academy 2: Their First Assignment; Police Academy 5: Assignment: Miami Beach; Police Academy 6: City Under Siege; Notes: Did a good amount of voice work including Aaahh!!! Real Monsters, and several Star Trek video games.)

Michael Winslow – (Known For: Spaceballs; Gremlins; Police Academy 3: Back in Training; Police Academy: Mission to Moscow; Nice Dreams; Cheech and Chong’s Next Movie; Grandview, U.S.A.; The Great Buck Howard; Killing Hasselhoff; Starchaser: The Legend of Orin; Tag: The Assassination Game; Alphabet City; Think Big; The Trumpet of the Swan; Lovelines; Gingerclown; Robodoc; Far Out Man; Going Under; Lenny the Wonder Dog; BMT: Police Academy; Police Academy 4: Citizens on Patrol; Police Academy 2: Their First Assignment; Police Academy 5: Assignment: Miami Beach; Police Academy 6: City Under Siege; Notes: Still tours. You can effectively see his original Gong Show skit near the end of this film.)

Budget/Gross – $15 million / Domestic: $11,567,217 (Worldwide: $11,567,217)

(Yeah, that explains the fact that they didn’t initially try to extend this to the 90s. That is a pitiful take and suggests the franchise was a money loser in general from that point forward.)

Rotten Tomatoes – 0% (0/8)

(Time to make a consensus: The franchise was never really that funny, but now even the action scenes are boring.)

Reviewer Highlight: oof… One more to go. – Letterboxd review by Mario

(There aren’t really any critical reviews of note here. And I would like to wrap in more Letterboxd reviews whenever possible because they are often amusing for a soundbite (like this one). It certainly reflects my attitude towards the franchise.)

Poster – Cop School: Bad Guys, Lies, and Thighs

(This is even better than the last one. Look at that silhouette with the cityscape. Beautiful. I’m giving this one a full A despite the faults. Someone drew this and I want to know who… on an initial pass it seems maybe Morgan Weistling, who also did the Innerspace poster amongst many others. It’s cool stuff.)

Tagline(s) – The Grads are going undercover in the city to unmask the mastermind of crime. (D-)

(Somehow both terrible and yet better than the fifth one’s tagline. It should still be an F, but I’ll give it a D- just for that fact. God, this are really terrible.)

Keyword(s) – police-academy

Top 10: The Departed (2006), 21 Jump Street (2012), Police Academy (1984), The Snowman (2017), CHIPS (2017), Judge Dredd (1995), Police Academy 4: Citizens on Patrol (1987), Ride Along (2014), Police Academy 3: Back in Training (1986), Empire State (2013)

Future BMT: 45.1 National Security (2003), 27.0 Kuffs (1992)

BMT: Police Academy (1984), The Snowman (2017), CHIPS (2017), Judge Dredd (1995), Police Academy 4: Citizens on Patrol (1987), Ride Along (2014), Police Academy 2: Their First Assignment (1985), Police Academy 5: Assignment: Miami Beach (1988), Police Academy 6: City Under Siege (1989)

Matches: Police Academy (1984), Police Academy 4: Citizens on Patrol (1987), Police Academy 3: Back in Training (1986), Empire State (2013), Police Academy 2: Their First Assignment (1985), Police Academy 5: Assignment: Miami Beach (1988), Police Academy: Mission to Moscow (1994), Police Academy 6: City Under Siege (1989)

(I chose the same keyword as the fifth as well because, honestly, this film in particular doesn’t really doesn’t have any good keywords in my opinion. The two future BMTs are fun, Kuffs in particular is just a totally forgotten police film from the 90s … would have been good to pencil in for the upcoming 90s cycle actually.)

Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 18) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Bubba Smith is No. 1 billed in Police Academy 6: City Under Siege and No. 2 billed in Police Academy 4: Citizens on Patrol, which also stars Sharon Stone (No. 4 billed) who is in The Specialist (No. 2 billed) which also stars Sylvester Stallone (No. 1 billed) who is in The Expendables 3 (No. 1 billed) which also stars Jason Statham (No. 2 billed) who is in In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale (No. 1 billed) which also stars Leelee Sobieski (No. 3 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 1 billed) => (1 + 2) + (4 + 2) + (1 + 1) + (2 + 1) + (3 + 1) = 18. If we were to watch Surrender we can get the HoE Number down to 15.

Notes – The “monster truck” being driven by Tackleberry is the same type of truck he drove away on his honeymoon in Police Academy 2: Their First Assignment (1985). However, it is not the exact same truck, as the one in “Police Academy 2” was the third Bigfoot truck built, known as “Bigfoot 3”. The one in this movie is Bigfoot 7, a slightly bigger and more powerful truck.

Consideration was given to the possibility of shooting this sequel in the USSR, with the working title “Police Academy 6: Operation Glasnost”. However, permission to film in Russia would not be granted until five years later, with the seventh film in the series, Police Academy: Mission to Moscow (1994).

In an interview, regarding the “Police Academy” movies, G.W. Bailey (Capt. Harris) stated, “There is a place for that kind of silliness, that kind of stupid escapism. But don’t think we didn’t retch when the writers came up with some of those gags for ‘Police Academy.’ We would argue and argue and argue with Paul Maslansky. He would win the war, but we won the battles sometimes.”

At one stage producers considered having the story line revolve around the Academy graduates travelling to England. British comedy writing duo Richard Curtis and Ben Elton (The Black Adder (1982)) were approached with an offer to write the script for “Police Academy 6: The London Beat”, but the pair refused, saying they don’t work to hire.

The first “Police Academy” movie not to place first in the US weekend box office.

According to Proctor and Harris’ stakeout conversation in the opening scene, this film is set in August 1989. Christmas being “four months” away.

In the scene in which Hooks gives a parking ticket to a man, who then rips it up, the two businessmen accompanying him are played by Alan Hunter and Mark J. Goodman, two of MTV’s original line-up of VJs.

Daniel Ben Wilson (Tackleberry Jr.) is the brother of Mara Wilson, of Mrs. Doubtfire (1993) and Matilda (1996) fame.

Beans Morocco’s second appearance in a “Police Academy” film. He played Bob the Janitor in Police Academy 5: Assignment: Miami Beach (1988) (credited as Dan Barrows), and appears in this movie as the bank president.

The following year Paul Maslansky produced Ski Patrol (1990), which he had hoped to follow with future sequels. This did not catch on with moviegoers, and plans for further films were scrapped.

Police Academy 5: Assignment: Miami Beach Preview

Having jacked in to hack jack port, Patrick swims through cyberspace like a beautiful otter. “Have you done this before?” asks Kyle, struggling to figure out the physics of this strange new world. “Yeah,” starts Patrick, remembering back to Rich and Po3: Dark Web 3D, “kinda… when Jamie and I were Rich and Poe,” he continues but stops and shrugs. It’s all pretty confusing at this point. Their task, on the other hand, should be pretty simple, just find the trash folder (probably) and hack the planet and get Kyle’s website approved as an official reviewer. But as they look around they suddenly hear a booming voice, “Bad Movie Twin, where is your stupider half? Or are you the stupid one, I always forget.” A bead of sweat forms on Patrick’s forehead. I can’t be. “What is it?” asks Kyle, eyes wide. “Gruber,” Patrick says in a whisper as Gruber’s laughter begins to echo through cyberspace. Patrick clenches his eyes closed. “It can’t be. He’s not real. He was never real.” He lets out a bellow and when he opens his eyes he finds himself in a police station. On his chest is a name tag, “Rich.” Kyle is pale with fear and jumps when a man angrily screams for Rich and Gruber to get the hell in his office. Kyle holds up his own name tag, “Gruber,” and Patrick’s mouth runs dry. “It’s just a simulation, playing on my fears” he reassures Kyle (but mostly himself), “we just have to break the mainframe and everything will be OK.” When they get to his office, the Captain throws a couple of pieces of paper at them. Airline tickets… to Party Town, USA? The captain scowls, “The city’s under siege… and the Vice President has been taken hostage.” That’s right! We are doing double duty this week by watching not one, but three Police Academy films! We are officially finishing the series with Police Academy’s 5, 6, and 7, all three of which got a BOMB rating from Leonard and the last of which (Mission to Moscow) failed to make it to a wide theatrical release. It is perfection for the Bring a Friend entry in the cycle. Let’s go!

Police Academy 5: Assignment: Miami Beach (1988) – BMeTric: 72.5; Notability: 38

StreetCreditReport.com – BMeTric: top 0.8%; Notability: top 6.4%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 0.0%; Higher BMeT: Mac and Me, Caddyshack II; Higher Notability: Action Jackson, Sunset, High Spirits, Big Top Pee-wee, Caddyshack II, My Stepmother Is an Alien, Moving, Cocoon: The Return, The Couch Trip, Vibes, License to Drive, Arthur 2: On the Rocks, Hot to Trot, Cocktail, Mac and Me, The Seventh Sign; Notes: The cred on these films are off the hook and only get better and better as the series goes along. We’ve seen the top three BMeTric for 1988. BMeTrics of 70+ are incredibly rare. There are only 184 out of over 2000 qualified films, so less than 10%. Amazingly we’ve seen around 65% of those so far. We legitimately could finish those off in like five years, twelve a year (two a cycle) … easy.

Leonard Maltin – BOMB –  Gaynes is in Miami to receive an award before his mandatory retirement; arch-rival Bailey comes along to gum up the works. Fourth attempt to improve on imperfection is no charm; what can you say about a sequel that Steve Guttenberg won’t even appear in.

(Hey hey hey … Guttenberg for some reason claims he regrets that. I don’t really see why. Also two semi-colons? You know me well Leonard.)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FKEspwO4vHA/

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FKEspwO4vHA/

(Wow, this is quite the 80s comedy spot. Wow they put the fart joke directly into the trailer … I guess you have the lead with your funniest joke (ba-dum-ch). The trailer is just “these zany character you love are doing all the same things you love but in Miami.” I mean … fair.)

Directors – Alan Myerson – (Known For: Private Lessons; Steelyard Blues; BMT: Police Academy 5: Assignment: Miami Beach; Notes: Scottish. Was a huuuuuge television director throughout the 90s. Ended up getting nominated for an Emmy for directing the Larry Sanders Show.)

Writers – Neal Israel – (Known For: Real Genius; Bachelor Party; Police Academy 3: Back in Training; Police Academy: Mission to Moscow; Moving Violations; Americathon; Tunnel Vision; Future BMT: Look Who’s Talking Too; BMT: Police Academy; Police Academy 4: Citizens on Patrol; Police Academy 2: Their First Assignment; Police Academy 5: Assignment: Miami Beach; Police Academy 6: City Under Siege; Notes: Just has a character credit here. Was a big director as well, directing such classics as Surf Ninjas.)

Pat Proft – (Known For: Real Genius; The Naked Gun: From the Files of Police Squad!; Hot Shots!; Naked Gun 33 1/3: The Final Insult; Bachelor Party; Hot Shots! Part Deux; Police Academy 3: Back in Training; The Naked Gun 2½: The Smell of Fear; Police Academy: Mission to Moscow; Moving Violations; Brain Donors; Lucky Stiff; Future BMT: Scary Movie 3; Scary Movie 4; Wrongfully Accused; Mr. Magoo; High School High; BMT: Police Academy; Scary Movie 5; Police Academy 4: Citizens on Patrol; Police Academy 2: Their First Assignment; Police Academy 5: Assignment: Miami Beach; Police Academy 6: City Under Siege; Notes: Was nominated for an Emmy for the variety special Van Dyke and Company. He worked a ton with the Scary Movie guys (including the last three movies in that series).)

Stephen Curwick – (BMT: Police Academy 5: Assignment: Miami Beach; Police Academy 6: City Under Siege; Notes: Claims that he wrote a video game called Bad TV in the 2010s, but it is hard to search for due to the name.)

David Sheffield and Barry W. Blaustein – (Known For: Coming 2 America; Coming to America; Police Academy 3: Back in Training; The Nutty Professor; Boomerang; Future BMT: Nutty Professor II: The Klumps; The Honeymooners; BMT: Police Academy 4: Citizens on Patrol; Police Academy 2: Their First Assignment; Police Academy 5: Assignment: Miami Beach; Notes: Only wrote the second. I guess the series is interesting since they added characters throughout and so a ton of people get “character” credits.)

Gene Quintano – (Known For: Police Academy 3: Back in Training; Sudden Death; Allan Quatermain and the Lost City of Gold; Making the Grade; Funky Monkey; Comin’ at Ya!; El tesoro de las cuatro coronas; Future BMT: Loaded Weapon 1; King Solomon’s Mines; Operation Dumbo Drop; BMT: Police Academy 4: Citizens on Patrol; Police Academy 5: Assignment: Miami Beach; The Musketeer; Notes: Here’s the main guy for the third and fourth films. He directed Loaded Weapon 1.)

Actors – Bubba Smith – (Known For: Police Academy 3: Back in Training; Gremlins 2: The New Batch; Black Moon Rising; The Silence of the Hams; The Naked Truth; Full Clip; Down ‘n Dirty; The Wild Pair; Future BMT: Stroker Ace; BMT: Police Academy; Police Academy 4: Citizens on Patrol; Police Academy 2: Their First Assignment; Police Academy 5: Assignment: Miami Beach; Police Academy 6: City Under Siege; Notes: Played in the NFL prior to his acting career. He believed that Superbowl III was rigged.)

David Graf – (Known For: The Brady Bunch Movie; Police Academy 3: Back in Training; Police Academy: Mission to Moscow; Guarding Tess; Irreconcilable Differences; Fist of Legend; Citizen Ruth; Georgia’s Friends; Suture; Love at Stake; The Enforcer; American Kickboxer 2; Future BMT: Rules of Engagement; BMT: Police Academy; Police Academy 4: Citizens on Patrol; Police Academy 2: Their First Assignment; Police Academy 5: Assignment: Miami Beach; Police Academy 6: City Under Siege; Notes: In interviews he talked about how he was struggling financially when he got the part in the first film, and so he never refused to appear in any of the subsequent films.)

Michael Winslow – (Known For: Spaceballs; Gremlins; Police Academy 3: Back in Training; Police Academy: Mission to Moscow; Nice Dreams; Cheech and Chong’s Next Movie; Grandview, U.S.A.; The Great Buck Howard; Killing Hasselhoff; Starchaser: The Legend of Orin; Tag: The Assassination Game; Alphabet City; Think Big; The Trumpet of the Swan; Lovelines; Gingerclown; Robodoc; Far Out Man; Going Under; Lenny the Wonder Dog; BMT: Police Academy; Police Academy 4: Citizens on Patrol; Police Academy 2: Their First Assignment; Police Academy 5: Assignment: Miami Beach; Police Academy 6: City Under Siege; Notes: Still performs standup and has a multitude of apps which emit Winslow-produced sound effects.)

Budget/Gross – $14 million / Domestic: $19,510,371 (Worldwide: $19,510,371)

(This isn’t so bad. I could definitely see why they thought they just needed to being it back to “nameless city” and allow the gang to hit the streetz again to get the money rolling in … they were wrong, but I could see why they may have thought that.)

Rotten Tomatoes – 0% (0/8)

(Consensus time: The usual, except now it reeks of desperation, resorting to fart jokes with a neon-pink Miami background.)

Reviewer Highlight: Miami field trip only brings a pastel backdrop to the insipid infighting of the boobs in blue. – Variety Staff

Poster – Cop School: Destination: Tokyo

(Still got it, baby! This style of poster never really went out of style. Look at the details. It’s really a work of art. Makes me want to find out who drew it. In some respects it doesn’t totally work as a poster (color scheme, all the white space), but it’s hard for me not to like it. B.)

Tagline(s) – Hold everything! The cadets are dropping in on Miami Beach for an all new adventure. (F)

(No.)

Keyword(s) – police-academy

Top 10: The Departed (2006), 21 Jump Street (2012), Police Academy (1984), The Snowman (2017), CHIPS (2017), Judge Dredd (1995), Police Academy 4: Citizens on Patrol (1987), Ride Along (2014), Police Academy 3: Back in Training (1986), Empire State (2013)

Future BMT: 45.1 National Security (2003), 27.0 Kuffs (1992)

BMT: Police Academy (1984), The Snowman (2017), CHIPS (2017), Judge Dredd (1995), Police Academy 4: Citizens on Patrol (1987), Ride Along (2014), Police Academy 2: Their First Assignment (1985), Police Academy 5: Assignment: Miami Beach (1988), Police Academy 6: City Under Siege (1989)

Matches: Police Academy (1984), Police Academy 4: Citizens on Patrol (1987), Police Academy 3: Back in Training (1986), Police Academy 5: Assignment: Miami Beach (1988), Police Academy: Mission to Moscow (1994)

(I’ve changed this plot up, and I think it is a lot cooler. The y-axis is the total notability for each year. Blue is all films, green is wide release films, red is qualifying films (with the filled in portion being films we’ve seen), and gold is the amount being filled in by the film this week (in this case both BMT films this week). “Matches” at the bottom are films with the keyword in the IMDb plotline, so it isn’t a surprise that we’ve now seen all “police academy” films. Fun that we’ve seen another legit film in CHIPS.)

Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 18) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Bubba Smith is No. 1 billed in Police Academy 5: Assignment: Miami Beach and No. 2 billed in Police Academy 4: Citizens on Patrol, which also stars Sharon Stone (No. 4 billed) who is in The Specialist (No. 2 billed) which also stars Sylvester Stallone (No. 1 billed) who is in The Expendables 3 (No. 1 billed) which also stars Jason Statham (No. 2 billed) who is in In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale (No. 1 billed) which also stars Leelee Sobieski (No. 3 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 1 billed) => (1 + 2) + (4 + 2) + (1 + 1) + (2 + 1) + (3 + 1) = 18. If we were to watch Surrender we can get the HoE Number down to 15.

Notes – Steve Guttenberg turned down the lead role and gave a firm “no” to any other Police Academy sequels that might turn up (and they did). He turned them all down. Two decades later, he expressed in an interview that he regretted turning down the chance to star in the later sequels, and was among the main people trying to make another Police Academy movie.

When Police Academy 4: Citizens on Patrol (1987) was released, acerbic critic Rex Reed swore, “If they make another Police Academy movie, I’ll leave the business.” At the time, Paul Maslansky said, “Reed’s one of the reasons I’m making Police Academy 5. I expect him to be a man of his word.” To Maslansky’s disappointment, Reed was not.

Regarding his experience working on this film, Rene Auberjonois (Tony) stated, “Why I choose to do things is a mystery to me sometimes. I’ve done things that, on the face of it, you think, ‘why would anybody do Police Academy 5?’ I had to look at the role, and see if there’s a reason to do it. I did it because it was an opportunity to play a character that nobody else was ever going to let me play. I had a great time doing it, don’t regret it for a moment, and I’d do it again in a minute.”

Had Steve Guttenberg agreed to appear in the movie, his character Mahoney was to be promoted to Lieutenant at the end of the film. (Instead it was Hightower)

Bobcat Goldthwait did not reprise his role of Zed due to not being able to come to a financial agreement with the producers. Because of this, the filmmakers believed that there was no point in bringing back Sweetchuck without Zed, and so Tim Kazurinsky ended up not being involved either. Bobcat later said that he skipped this sequel because the script lost focus and his character “would never talk like that.”

The movie’s script and some promotional materials list Tony’s full name as Tony Stark. The surname was edited out of the film after Warner Brothers discovered that “Tony Stark” was a registered trademark owned by Marvel, for use in their Iron Man comics.

The book that Captain Harris is seen holding whilst “congratulating” Commandant Lassard on his mandatory retirement is a hardback copy of “3 Cheers for Me”, the first novel in the Bandy Papers series written by Donald Jack.

Janet Jones (Officer Kate) wed hockey player Wayne Gretzky four months after this movie’s release.

Michael Winslow (Jones), David Graf (Tackleberry), and George Gaynes (Commandant Lassard) are the only actors who appeared in all seven Police Academy movies. Winslow also had a regular role on Police Academy: The Series (1997).

Matt McCoy’s character of Commandant Eric Lassard’s nephew, Nick, marks the fourth member of the Lassard family to be in a Police Academy movie. Previously, we’ve seen Lassard’s wife in Police Academy (1984) and Lassard’s brother, Captain Pete Lassard in Police Academy 2: Their First Assignment (1985).

Early drafts featured a canine character called Clancy, a Miami police dog.

At one point, David Spade’s Kyle Rumford character from Police Academy 4: Citizens on Patrol (1987) was being considered as a possible replacement for the departing Steve Guttenberg.

Problem Child Preview

“That’s a wrap,” Patrick calls in exasperation. Another day, another unscripted fist fight between Chris Klein and Angel. With CK now playing both Rich and Poe in this entry of the film, it’s becoming increasingly difficult to keep track of who is even fighting Angel and whether they are dealing with a love triangle or love square. It all won’t matter anyway if this continues as CK is getting perilously close to leaving the film and their production deal was predicated on their star’s return to the series. “Dastardly cyborgs,” Jamie says, pounding the desk in their trailer. They’ve tried every which way to get rid of Angel, but his contract is iron clad. Besides, despite not being able to act a lick his test audience scores are through the roof. “So Angel has to appear in at least 90% of the film, right?” Jamie nods along as Patrick thumbs through Angel’s contract trying to find a loophole in the wording, “and we’re not allowed to recast,” Jamie nods again, wincing at their predicament, “but they don’t say anything about additional casting, right?” Jamie looks confused, but there is a twinkle in Patrick’s eye. The next day a chorus of boos rain down on Angel as he makes out with Leighton Vanderschmidt. He looks uncomfortable as he eyes the latest addition to the cast, Rich and Poe Jrs., the previously undisclosed twin children of Rich and Leighton Vanderschmidt’s character. Soon Angel has agreed to rewrite his part and remove the love triangle. CK is satisfied and so are Jamie and Patrick, but Adam Banks looks wary on his latest visit to set. A fart-gag laden scene is being shot and the production has taken on a distinct PG-rated vibe “Aren’t these children going to be a bit of a… problem?” That’s right, we’re taking on a couple of problem children in Problem Child 1 + 2. The first film was a staple and is probably one of the most quoted films of our childhood. The second film… was not. Let’s see if either of them hold up in any capacity. Let’s go!

Problem Child (1990) – BMeTric: 48.9; Notability: 38

StreetCreditReport.com – BMeTric: top 2.4%; Notability: top 32.7%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 0.0% Higher BMeT: Rocky V, Ghost Dad, Leatherface: Texas Chainsaw Massacre III; Higher Notability: RoboCop 2, Predator 2, Days of Thunder, The Adventures of Ford Fairlane, Jetsons: The Movie, Air America, Young Guns II: Blaze of Glory, The Rookie, 3 Men and a Little Lady, Marked for Death, Rocky V, Stella, Revenge, Bird on a Wire, Ghost Dad, Another 48 Hrs., Mr. Destiny, The First Power, Desperate Hours; Notes: Impressive stuff, just shy of 50 BMeTric, and a genuine 0% on Rotten Tomatoes. If you told me this was a cult film and has like a 6.0 on IMDb I wouldn’t have been surprised. And it seems like it might genuinely be on its way there.

Leonard Maltin – 1.5 stars –  Botched comic twist on The Bad Seed has Ritter as an unlucky father who adopts devil-child Oliver. A promising opening leads nowhere as bad performances and crude jokes prevail. Followed by a sequel, a TV movie, and an animated TV series,

(Don’t worry, I’m already planning on partaking in the Problem Child animated series. It didn’t really occur to me that this film is based on horror/dramas of the kid-from-hell. It was always just Problem Child growing up.)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cxFT8zYZ3dU/

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cxFT8zYZ3dU/

(Absolutely insane concept for a kids film. Basically, a psycho kid wreaking absolute havoc all played for laughs … but I loved it as a kid. Bizarre. I can’t wait to watch it as an adult.)

Directors – Dennis Dugan – (Known For: Happy Gilmore; Love, Weddings & Other Disasters; Brain Donors; Future BMT: You Don’t Mess with the Zohan; Beverly Hills Ninja; National Security; Saving Silverman; Big Daddy; BMT: Jack and Jill; Grown Ups 2; Problem Child; The Benchwarmers; Grown Ups; I Now Pronounce You Chuck & Larry; Just Go with It; Razzie Notes: Winner for Worst Director in 2012 for Jack and Jill, and Just Go with It; and Nominee for Worst Director in 2000 for Big Daddy; in 2008 for I Now Pronounce You Chuck & Larry; and in 2014 for Grown Ups 2; Notes: Frequent collaborator of Adam Sandler. I’ve mentioned it in a note before, but his son is/was a major league baseball player with the Phillies.)

Writers – Scott Alexander and Larry Karaszewski (written by) – (Known For: Man on the Moon; 1408; Ed Wood; Big Eyes; Goosebumps; Dolemite Is My Name; The People vs. Larry Flynt; Future BMT: Problem Child 2; Agent Cody Banks; That Darn Cat; Screwed; BMT: Problem Child; Notes: Won two Emmys for American Crime Story. Alexander started out as a music editor on small horror films, and Karaszewski wrote a biography of the Marx Brothers.)

Actors – Michael Oliver – (Future BMT: Problem Child 2; BMT: Problem Child; Notes: Was on a 2011 episode of Loveline with Gilbert Gottfried which was apparently the first time the two had talked since the filming of the second film.)

John Ritter – (Known For: Sling Blade; Bride of Chucky; Bad Santa; Nowhere; Real Men; Stay Tuned; Noises Off…; They All Laughed; The Other; Tadpole; Nickelodeon; Hero at Large; Panic; Clifford’s Really Big Movie; Americathon; Montana; I Woke Up Early the Day I Died; The Prisoner of Second Avenue; Hacks; Shadow of Doubt; Future BMT: Problem Child 2; Wholly Moses!; Skin Deep; BMT: North; Problem Child; Notes: Won an Emmy for Three’s Company, but was nominated for four series in total (Hooperman, Ally McBeal, and 8 Simple Rules… for Dating my Teenage Daughter were the other three). Tragically died in 2003 due to cardiac arrest from a misdiagnosed heart defect.)

Jack Warden – (Known For: 12 Angry Men; Heaven Can Wait; The Great Muppet Caper; Sunset Blvd.; All the President’s Men; Shampoo; While You Were Sleeping; The Replacements; Death on the Nile; From Here to Eternity; Being There; The Champ; The Bachelor Party; The Verdict; Donovan’s Reef; Mighty Aphrodite; …and justice for all.; Used Cars; Beyond the Poseidon Adventure; Bulworth; Future BMT: Problem Child 2; Guilty as Sin; Dirty Work; A Dog of Flanders; BMT: Ed; Chairman of the Board; Toys; Problem Child; Notes: Nominated for two Oscars for Shampoo and Heaven Can Wait. Boxed under the name Johnny Costello in his youth.)

Budget/Gross – $10 million / Domestic: $53,470,891 (Worldwide: $72,270,891)

(That is a lot more money than I would have expected for this film. Like … that is a legit haul, so obviously they were going to make a sequel! I just can’t get over that they got reasonably close to being a $100 million comedy.)

Rotten Tomatoes – 0% (0/29): Mean-spirited and hopelessly short on comic invention, Problem Child is a particularly unpleasant comedy, one that’s loaded with manic scenery chewing and juvenile pranks.

(I do remember it being mean-spirited, in particular just how insane the beginning is with Junior continually being returned to the orphanage. Reviewer Highlight: The rest of the kid’s tricks are too unimaginative to be much fun — though with jokes this lame you won’t have to worry as much about your children getting any bad ideas. – Owen Gleiberman, Entertainment Weekly)

Poster – Sklogin’ Child

(Apparently this poster was a bit controversial in its depiction of Junior putting the cat in a washing machine, which doesn’t happen in the film. Font’s good, spacing and cartoon aspect of it is fun, only problem is the gaudy 90’s color scheme. B.)

Tagline(s) – Attila the Hun. Ivan the Terrible. Al Capone. They were all seven once. (C-)

(This is like a who’s who of the least offensive choices they could have used for the tagline… thank god. Takes far to long to get to the punchline and waters down whatever they were going for.)

Keyword – orphanage

Top 10: Blade Runner 2049 (2017), Deadpool 2 (2018), Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them (2016), The Dark Knight Rises (2012), Avengers: Age of Ultron (2015), Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince (2009), Transformers: The Last Knight (2017), Clifford (1994), Orphan (2009), Up (2009)

Future BMT: 50.9 The Boss (2016), 50.1 Friend Request (2016), 44.0 Fred Claus (2007), 42.2 Pan (2015), 39.4 The Princess Diaries 2 (2004), 33.6 Suspect Zero (2004), 32.1 Clifford (1994), 28.9 Original Sin (2001), 28.8 Igor (2008), 26.9 Grimsby (2016);

BMT: Transformers: The Last Knight (2017), Silent Hill (2006), The Snowman (2017), Epic Movie (2007), Zoolander 2 (2016), Problem Child (1990), Double Impact (1991), Silent Hill: Revelation (2012), Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo (2005), Freddy’s Dead: The Final Nightmare (1991), Solarbabies (1986), Alone in the Dark (2005)

(I’m surprised by how consistent the plot it, you would think once the tropey version of orphanages went out of fashion it would vaguely die out as far as cheap laughs are concerned. My god, Clifford (1994)! Another film I’ve seen an inordinate number of times starring a bad child which comes across as crass and mean-spirited.)

Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 19) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Jack Warden is No. 2 billed in Problem Child and No. 5 billed in Toys, which also stars LL Cool J (No. 7 billed) who is in Rollerball (No. 2 billed), which also stars Chris Klein (No. 1 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 2 billed) => 2 + 5 + 7 + 2 + 1 + 2 = 19. If we were to watch Jack, and The Glass House we can get the HoE Number down to 15.

Notes – Throughout the film, Ben reads several self-help books on parenting. Each book features a photo of the author on the back cover. The author photos are John Ritter in various costumes. (Nice, I like the joke)

An ad campaign for this film included “reviews” from a number of famous movie villains: “Four-star fun for the whole gang!” – Al Capone “Two thumbs up!” – Captain Hook “10 out of 10! Junior had me in stitches!” – Frankenstein “This kid gives ME nightmares!” – Freddy Krueger “Junior is a real cut-up!” – Leatherface “I wish he were MY son!” – Darth Vade r”Don’t have a cow! Just see this movie, dude!” –Bart Simpson

During a 2014 interview on Gilbert Gottfried’s Amazing Colossal Podcast, screenwriters Scott Alexander and Larry Karaszewski revealed that the story was inspired by the 1988 LA Times article “An Adopted Boy–and Terror Begins.” The story is about a married couple suing an adoption agency because they were not informed that their adopted son had severe mental health issues with violent tendencies, and had been previously returned to the agency multiple times. While other writers pitched the story as a horror film in the vein of The Bad Seed (1956) or The Omen (1976), Alexander and Karaszewski thought it had potential as a comedy. They envisioned a dark, adult satire of the then-popular trend of films in which cute kids teach cynical adults how to love, as seen in Baby Boom (1987), Parenthood (1989) (directly spoofed by the film’s poster), Look Who’s Talking (1989), Uncle Buck (1989), Mr. Mum (1983), Kindergarten Cop (1990) and 3 Men and a Baby (1987). The studio insisted on turning it into a children’s film, which meant numerous reshoots and rewrites. All involved in the difficult production were disappointed, and anticipated that it would bomb. Alexander cried after the cast and crew screening. The film was a surprise hit, and Universal’s most profitable film of 1990. Alexander and Karaszewski were so embarrassed that they tried to distance themselves from the film in its immediate aftermath, which proved difficult. Studios were initially reluctant to hire them or take them seriously based on their work on such a prominent disreputable film. In later years, they eventually came to work with executives who grew up watching the film on TV airings and were excited to be meeting “the guys who wrote Problem Child.” Looking back, they still feel the film is “a mess,” but take some pride in being involved with one of the “very few [PG-rated] children’s films THAT black and THAT crazy,” adding “and it’s funny.”

According to Dennis Dugan, the test screenings were disastrous, with 70 percent of the audience walking out, verbal complaints from viewers, and a score of only 30. The studio forced two weeks of reshoots, including a retooled ending and the addition of key scenes like the girl’s birthday party.

Dennis Dugan had never directed a feature film before, so he decided to make his pitch to Universal executives a memorable one. He stood on the studio president’s coffee table and passionately proclaimed, “You’re looking at me like I’m f*cking nuts, and this is what we want. We want this kind of chaos.” Three hours later, Dugan learned he had the job.

During production, both John Ritter and Gilbert Gottfried were allowed to ad lib, making Universal complain at Dennis Dugan for shooting too much footage for Gottfried’s scenes

The poster for the movie was a spoof of the poster for Parenthood (1989). Imagine Entertainment produced both films and Dennis Dugan, who directed Problem Child, acted in both films.

Universal originally wanted John Landis to direct this film. But Landis turned it down as he had no interest in making kids movies. They then approached Joe Dante to direct after directing The ‘Burbs (1989) for them. Dante read the script and liked it. But he turned it down as he was about to work on Gremlins 2: The New Batch (1990).

The doll that Junior takes the bow-tie from in the orphanage is a “My Buddy” doll that is missing its striped shirt and tennis shoes. When sold in stores, the doll never originally came with a bow-tie.

Dennis Dugan: as the All-American Dad who buys his son a canteen.

Awards – Nominee for the Razzie Award for Worst Supporting Actor (Gilbert Gottfried, 1991)