50+ BMeTric – Page 2 – Bad Movie Twins

Tarot Preview

No sooner had Patrick introduced Nathaniel Cawthorn to Jamie than he found himself back at his beautiful Hallston Public Library. Crows… crows were not his thing. He scours the graphic novels for his next great find. Not only not pounding the dweebs that he finds there, but even conversing with them on occasion. “Meow,” Mr. Whiskers says by his side, which reminds Patrick of his actual mission at the ‘brary (as he had heard the kids call it). “Right, I gotta focus and find something to help Jamie out of his doldrums.” But every graphic novel and book he looks at doesn’t seem to be quite right. “Caw caw!” Nathaniel Cawthorn screeches, much to the dismay of the shushing librarians. But Patrick knew that ‘caw’ anywhere. That was the caw of a crow with a hunch. Patrick follows Nathaniel as the crow flies over the stacks. Rounding a corner he comes to a screeching halt. “They have movies here too?!” he yells, getting another loud shush from the librarian. “But I’m guessing they only have only beaten up DVDs,” he whispers, but Nathaniel caws softly and pecks at a disc in the “New Arrivals” section. It’s beautiful. Tears well up in Patrick’s eyes. There was just no way Jamie could be sad watching that. A week later he surprises Jamie during one of the three times a day he forces himself to eat slices of unbuttered, dry toast. “Hey Buddy,” Patrick says, but Jamie just continues to crunch loudly into slice after slice of the flavorless toast. “You wanna maybe feast on something a little more flavorful?” With that he holds up a brand spanking new copy of the blu-ray (you read that right, blu-ray) copy of 2024’s Tarot, the hot new horror film for the gucci crowd. That’s right! The real life versions of ourselves are also watching Tarot, the hot new horror for the gucci crowd. Although I probably have to retire that phrase in favor of something to do with rizz… I’ll have to mull that one over in the ol’ noggin. Let’s go!

Tarot (2024) – BMeTric: 65.8; Notability: 12

StreetCreditReport.com – BMeTric: top 2.8%; Notability: top 17.2%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 4.4%; Higher BMeT: Madame Web, Borderlands, The American Society of Magical Negroes, Uglies, The Crow, Night Swim, The Strangers: Chapter 1; Higher Notability: Joker: Folie à Deux, Reagan, Borderlands, The Garfield Movie, Madame Web, Back to Black, Here, Argylle, Kraven the Hunter, Lift, Rebel Moon – Part Two: The Scargiver, Red One, Jackpot!, Atlas, The Union, The Crow, Justice League: Crisis on Infinite Earths – Part Two, My Spy The Eternal City, Harold and the Purple Crayon, A Family Affair, and 23 more; Lower RT: Tyler Perry’s Divorce in the Black, Megamind vs. The Doom Syndicate, Borderlands, Madame Web, Mother of the Bride, Kraven the Hunter, Breathe, Uglies, Rebel Moon – Part Two: The Scargiver, Justice League: Crisis on Infinite Earths – Part Two; Notes: Horror BMeTrics are always off the chain. Dems the breaks Tarot.

Variety – Set in a world where every door creaks and there isn’t a single well-lit location, “Tarot” is little more than a clearinghouse of horror clichés.

(Yeah, it isn’t wrong. This is a whole new era of “teen horror” I think. The type of horror you bring your boo to and snuggle under a blanket and pretend you are super spookified which probably smooching / on your phone telling you friends how spookified you are. Facts.)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XNTEjJm4WXg/

(Really profoundly dumb. The acting also looks dire, although I agree with some of the reviews, the fact that Batalon is in this at least intrigues you since he was a highlight of some MCU films.)

Directors – Spenser Cohen – ( BMT: Tarot; Notes: Wrote a bunch as you can see, but as a director he did a few non-qualifiers, and a podcast series, but Tarot is a somewhat ignominious feature debut.)

Anna Halberg – ( BMT: Tarot; Notes: Co-director on the podcast series as well, she was also involved in The Expendables 4, so she must be professionally involved with Cohen specifically in some way.)

Writers – Anna Halberg and Spenser Cohen – ( Known For: Extinction; Distant; BMT: Moonfall; The Expendables 4; Tarot; Notes: They have a AI horror film called House/Wife coming out, it looks rough based solely on the poster. Netflix though, so it’ll be somehow hugely popular. They are definitely writing partners though.)

Nicholas Adams – ( BMT: Tarot; Notes: Maybe the original writer? His only credit.)

Actors – Harriet Slater – ( Known For: Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny; BMT: Tarot; Notes: Was in the show Pennyworth, and is in an upcoming Outlander spin-off series.)

Adain Bradley – ( Known For: Wrong Turn; Butter; BMT: Tarot; Notes: Obviously is in Industry, and was on The Bold and the Beautiful for years which makes sense. In an A24 film called Warfare coming out this year.)

Jacob Batalon – ( Known For: Avengers: Endgame; Avengers: Infinity War; Spider-Man: No Way Home; Spider-Man: Homecoming; Spider-Man: Far from Home; Lift; Let It Snow; Every Day; Blood Fest; Shortcomings; Banana Split; BMT: Tarot; Notes: Spiderman guy. You’d recognize him. He’s also in Novocaine, and in some upcoming mystery movie (show?) called The Wrecking Crew.)

Budget/Gross – $8 million / Domestic: $18,771,004 (Worldwide: $49,256,239)

(That’s fine. Didn’t need the worldwide. Again, Horror can do no wrong. You basically can’t lose money with tiny films like this.)

Rotten Tomatoes – 17% (11/63)

(Let’s go for a consensus: Personality-less and trite, you’ve seen all this before, and with a PG-13 rating you are guaranteed not to be scared.)

Reviewer Highlight: It’s trying to be everything at once, and ends up feeling flimsy, empty, and again, very, very frustrating. – Matthew Jackson, AV Club

Poster – Larr-O

(It honestly seems a tad cheap. That gross hand. The death card. The only mildly interesting font. I’m not feeling it. C-.)

Tagline(s) – Your fate is in the cards. (D)

(Yeah, I know. It’s tarot. Bah, try harder, Tarot. I want to love you so much.)

Keyword(s) – 2024-2024

Top 10: Dune: Part Two (2024), Deadpool & Wolverine (2024), Furiosa: A Mad Max Saga (2024), Civil War (2024), Inside Out 2 (2024), The Fall Guy (2024), Alien: Romulus (2024), Road House (2024), The Substance (2024), The Beekeeper (2024)

Future BMT: 62.3 The Exorcism (2024), 61.6 Imaginary (2024), 61.6 Joker: Folie à Deux (2024), 36.0 Singham Again (2024), 27.4 Slingshot (2024), 27.2 Harold and the Purple Crayon (2024), 25.9 Fighter (2024), 24.8 Devara Part 1 (2024), 19.0 Reagan (2024), 16.7 Here (2024), 11.6 Red One (2024)

BMT: Madame Web (2024), Borderlands (2024), The American Society of Magical Negroes (2024), The Crow (2024), Night Swim (2024), The Strangers: Chapter 1 (2024), Tarot (2024), Argylle (2024), The Watchers (2024), The Garfield Movie (2024), Back to Black (2024)

Best Options (Horror): 65.6 Tarot (2024), 62.3 The Exorcism (2024), 61.6 Imaginary (2024)

(I wonder if we’ll ever get to Imaginary. The Exorcism is probably going to happen only because there will be some allured in completing Russell Crowe films at some point. But Imaginary? Might be for the real Betty Buckley-heads.)

Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 26) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Olwen Fouéré is No. 8 billed in Tarot and No. 3 billed in The Watchers, which also stars Dakota Fanning (No. 1 billed) who is in The Cat in the Hat (No. 2 billed) which also stars Mike Myers (No. 1 billed) who is in The Love Guru (No. 1 billed) which also stars Jessica Alba (No. 2 billed) who is in Mechanic: Resurrection (No. 2 billed) which also stars Jason Statham (No. 1 billed) who is in In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale (No. 1 billed) which also stars Leelee Sobieski (No. 3 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 1 billed) => (8 + 3) + (1 + 2) + (1 + 1) + (2 + 2) + (1 + 1) + (3 + 1) = 26. If we were to watch Hide and Seek we can get the HoE Number down to 23.

Notes – Loosely based on the 1992 novel “Horrorscope”, written by Nicholas Adams.

The tarot card deck used in the movie was specifically created for it.

The title card appears nearly 17 minutes into the run-time.

The directors Spenser Cohen and Anna Halberg are among the well-wishers in Hailey’s email.

Elise is a Libra, Lucas is a Capricorn, Madeline is a Pisces, Paxton is a Taurus, Grant is a Leo, Hayley is an Aquarius and Paige is Virgo

The Crow (2024) Preview

The cat was a rousing success. His name was Mr. Whiskers and Patrick loved him with all his heart. The cat loved Mondays and hated lasagna, which went against everything he knew about cats, but he was a perfect pet despite these deficiencies. So Jamie didn’t take to the cat. So what? All that meant was that Patrick and Mr. Whiskers could spend so much more time at the Hallston Public Library. As Patrick spins around the stacks revelling in all the knowledge he could gain, Mr. Whiskers gives out a loud “Meow.” “What is it boy,” Patrick says, hurrying to a corner of the library he hadn’t yet explored. He comes to a screeching halt near Mr. Whiskers and gives out a gasp. “My word, they have comic books too?!” Patrick says. “What doesn’t this place have?!” A nearby nerd gives a snort and goes back to his comic. Patrick narrows his eyes. But there is no time to pound some dweebs. He goes to where Mr. Whiskers is crouched and his eyes alight on the comic (or more accurately, the graphic novel) that he is pawing. “But that can’t be right, Mr. Whiskers,” Patrick says confused. “It looks too sad. Jamie needs something happy.” But Mr. Whiskers is insistent, pawing and meowing even more urgently. Patrick thinks for a moment and the lightbulb goes off. “Mr. Whiskers, you are a genius.” A week later he surprises Jamie during one of his many naps. “Hey buddy,” Patrick says softly, shaking his shoulder and bringing a crate onto his bed. “You wanna say hello to my other little friend?” Jamie just rolls over and pretends not to hear him, but shoots upright as the creature in the cage gives out a loud “Caw!” That’s right! That’s the ‘Caw!’ of The Crow remake. I had my eye on this for ages, but we had to bide out time for the end of the year cycle. It’s just too good. Let’s go!

The Crow (2024) – BMeTric: 67.8; Notability: 33

StreetCreditReport.com – BMeTric: top 1.6%; Notability: top 5.6%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 9.3%; Higher BMeT: Madame Web, Borderlands, The American Society of Magical Negroes, Uglies; Higher Notability: Joker: Folie à Deux, Reagan, Borderlands, The Garfield Movie, Madame Web, Back to Black, Here, Argylle, Kraven the Hunter, Lift, Rebel Moon – Part Two: The Scargiver, Red One, Jackpot!, Atlas; Lower RT: Tyler Perry’s Divorce in the Black, Megamind vs. The Doom Syndicate, Borderlands, Madame Web, Air Force One Down, Mother of the Bride, Kraven the Hunter, Breathe, Uglies, Rebel Moon – Part Two: The Scargiver, Justice League: Crisis on Infinite Earths – Part Two, Tarot, Reagan, Killer Heat, Canary Black, Mea Culpa, Atlas, Night Swim, Dear Santa, Trigger Warning, and 1 more; Notes: Tyler Perry had a film this year? It got 0 good reviews out of 17, that is incredible. Welp, we’ll never watch that.

RogerEbert.com – 2.5 stars – There’s a scene in the movie where Eric and Shelly are walking across a bridge and Shelly not-really-jokingly talks about jumping, and they envision a double-jump ending in their deaths, and Shelly imagines that teenagers would make shrines to them. I think that in time, teenagers will make their own shrines to this movie, in their own ways. It’s the kind of movie where, if you saw it when you were 14, you’d see it ten or twenty more times, and be inspired to check out books from the library, maybe memorize some poetry.

(Oh wowza, I really really disagree with that. That feels like a ludicrous take. No teenager is watching this film. And the idea that watching the two worst people you’ve ever met read poetry would inspire someone to do the same is a terrifying prospect indeed.)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4CLE3pWAAr8/

(“Quite brilliantly broken”, immediately I find these characters obnoxious. That fundamentally is the issue with the film. I always describe it as: Imagine if the worst people you’ve ever met became superheroes. Rough stuff.)

Directors – Rupert Sanders – ( Known For: Snow White and the Huntsman; Ghost in the Shell; BMT: The Crow; Notes: My god, that is a pretty dire career. Amazing that he’s only managed one BMT film.)

Writers – James O’Barr – ( Known For: The Crow; The Crow: Salvation; The Crow: Wicked Prayer; Future BMT: The Crow: City of Angels; BMT: The Crow; Notes: The writer of the comic book. His story is pretty interesting, it is worth a read, a true blue independent comic book creator.)

Zach Baylin – ( Known For: King Richard; Gran Turismo; Creed III; Bob Marley: One Love; The Order; BMT: The Crow; Notes: Nominated for an Oscar for King Richard. Again a little surprised he only has one … Creed III is pretty rough.)

William Josef Schneider – ( BMT: The Crow; Notes: Kind of weird, he is an executive producer, and this is all he has basically in his filmography.)

Actors – Bill Skarsgård – ( Known For: Deadpool 2; It; Eternals; John Wick: Chapter 4; It Chapter Two; Atomic Blonde; Barbarian; The Devil All the Time; Anna Karenina; Boy Kills World; Assassination Nation; Villains; Nine Days; Simple Simon; Arn: The Kingdom at the End of the Road; Behind Blue Skies; Naked Singularity; Simon och ekarna; The Crown Jewels; Kenny Begins; Future BMT: Allegiant; BMT: The Crow; Notes: Swedish. I did like him in It. And nice, he voiced the Deviant Kro in the MCU… I wonder when that is coming back.)

FKA twigs – ( Known For: Honey Boy; BMT: The Crow; Notes: Really no offense, but she was perplexing in this movie. I’ve heard good things about Honey Boy though, maybe I should watch that to get a better sense of her range.)

Danny Huston – ( Known For: Wonder Woman; Children of Men; The Aviator; Robin Hood; Game Night; 21 Grams; 30 Days of Night; The Constant Gardener; Leaving Las Vegas; The Kingdom; Marie Antoinette; Big Eyes; Edge of Darkness; Hitchcock; The Proposition; Stolen; Birth; Stan & Ollie; The Professor; IO; Future BMT: How to Lose Friends & Alienate People; The Warrior’s Way; Marlowe; BMT: X-Men Origins: Wolverine; Clash of the Titans; The Number 23; Wrath of the Titans; Angel Has Fallen; The Crow; Notes: He plays the bad guy. I feel like I know his as big bads in things like Angel Has Fallen. He’s apparently in the new Naked Gun starring Liam Neeson. That could be wild.)

Budget/Gross – $50 million / Domestic: $9,275,659 (Worldwide: $23,999,106)

(I mean, horrific. The idea of making The Crow at all is one thing, but making it like this? Then you deserve to lose money. This movie is actually genuinely kind of offensive towards the source material.)

Rotten Tomatoes – 22% (29/134): Dreary and poorly paced, this reimagining of The Crow doesn’t have enough personality or pulse to merit the resurrection.

(It doesn’t. But also it changes everything about it to something worse. You might think I’m joking but it literally takes every single thing about the original movie and makes it worse.)

Reviewer Highlight: It’s like an anti-entertainment protest. – Robert Abele, Los Angeles Times

Poster – The Bro

(Boy that’s bad. I like the font, but only because it’s drawn. But this just doesn’t look professional to me. Like fan art or something. C-.)

Tagline(s) – True love never dies. (C+)

(This is almost comically generic, but it’s also appropriate, so I’m a bit torn. I’ll boost it up a bit. But really the general concept of a film isn’t also its tagline usually.)

Keyword(s) – 2024-2024

Best Options (Action): 67.6 The Crow (2024), 36.0 Singham Again (2024), 25.9 Fighter (2024), 24.8 Devara Part 1 (2024), 11.6 Red One (2024)

(This was by far the best one. And Again, when we watched this Red One wasn’t out yet, otherwise … well, we would have probably watched both because we would have moved this one somewhere else. There was no way we were missing out on The Crow.)

Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 19) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Danny Huston is No. 3 billed in The Crow and No. 4 billed in The Number 23, which also stars Virginia Madsen (No. 2 billed) who is in Firewall (No. 3 billed) which also stars Harrison Ford (No. 1 billed) who is in Hollywood Homicide (No. 1 billed) which also stars Josh Hartnett (No. 2 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 3 billed) => (3 + 4) + (2 + 3) + (1 + 1) + (2 + 3) = 19. If we were to watch Marlowe we can get the HoE Number down to 17.

Notes – When asked if he had seen the trailer for this film, Ernie Hudson replied, “I haven’t seen it. The actor – who I can’t name – is playing the lead, I love and respect. But for me, ‘The Crow’ is Brandon Lee. I can’t imagine… let’s hope they don’t try to redo him, that they do their own thing with it and take it in a different direction. I haven’t seen [the trailer]. I haven’t seen any of the other ‘Crow’ [movies] because of what happened to Brandon.” In an earlier interview in 2021, Hudson explained he hadn’t even seen the 1994 original, saying, “It breaks my heart, and I can’t get past it. So much of it was action stuff, but Brandon and I got a chance to work together.”

Luke Evans, while still working on the production of The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies (2014), held a live Facebook Q&A. During some of the questions that he personally responded to, when asked about joining the “The Crow” reboot as the leading character, Evans stated that he felt inclined to drop out from the project as he felt “unworthy” of portraying the late Brandon Lee’s most iconic role.

F. Javier Gutiérrez was at one point courted to direct the film, but not as a remake. Crow creator J. O’Barr admitted in an interview that he was impressed when he saw that Gutierrez’s take would be a black-and-white shot-for-shot remake of the original graphic novel using both panels and dialogue directly from the source material for story-boarding to be as faithful as humanly possible to the comic. Due to production troubles and delays in shooting, Gutierrez dropped out to direct Rings (2017).

At one point the Crow film was intended to be called “The Crow Reborn” based on a screenplay by Cliff Dorfman being an original story about an undead police officer returning to avenge his family. The script attracted the attention of Jason Momoa, who was then cast in the lead role, but the production fell through when Momoa left because he didn’t like the constant rewrites which wore away any semblance of the Dorfman script, turning it into more of a remake of the 1994 film and less the original story he signed on for. Dorman himself disowned the resulting film after seeing a screening, posting his response to possible fan skepticism of the film’s quality writing simply, “It is. And don’t.”

During a Reddit AMA, Shannon Lee, sister of Brandon Lee was asked if there should be a remake of The Crow (1994) to which she responded, “I don’t think they should remake ‘The Crow.’ Booooo!”

Night Swim Preview

With that, Samantha turns and picks up a rock from the Bin of Rocks and turns to perform the ceremonial destruction of her previous entry on the Wall of Lovers. While Brad and Alejandro’s ghosts are a bit annoyed by this, they also understand that it was never them. It was always Jamie. There is no other way but to take a Rock to their false love. Four or five Rocks later and covered in sawdust, Samantha turns to Jamie. Together they use a Lover’s Chisel to begin carving the heart that will represent their forever love. It takes hours, interrupted only by intense makeout sessions the likes of which the roller skaters at the roller rink could only dream of. When they finish, Jamie turns to Samantha and asks what’s next. With tears in her eyes she whispers, “Life.”

Months later, Jamie stands on the shores of Hallston Lake. He had moved to Samantha’s hometown and they had indeed lived. But now he was alone. Well, almost. Because Patrick had also moved to Hallston to be there for Jamie in his time of need. “Hey buddy,” Patrick says kindly. “You thinking you want to head back to Brooklyn? Maybe start in on the third book of the Platonic Solids series? How’s that sound?” But that didn’t sound good at all to Jamie. “No… no I don’t think so,” Jamie says monotonously. “I just… need to… go for a swim,” he says looking at the moonlight bouncing off of Hallston Lake. With that he strips entirely nude and wades into the depths of the ice cold lake. Patrick is worried. It was very unlike Jamie to go midnight skinny dipping without eating a large surf and turf dinner immediately beforehand. That’s right! We are taking our own chilly dip into spooky waters with Night Swim. It’s about a haunted swimming pool. Given the impossibility of actually connecting to the 2024 cycle from the 80’s by definition, we built a bicycle with an (ironically) equally spooky horror film, Transylvania 6-5000. A movie that even me, a child of Comedy Central, barely knew existed. Finally we are pairing those with our final Friend of the Bring a Friend cycle: Revolution. It’s the Al Pacino film that doomed the Revolutionary War genre of film for decades. Let’s go!

Night Swim (2024) – BMeTric: 67.5; Notability: 16

StreetCreditReport.com – BMeTric: top 2.0%; Notability: top 13.2%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 7.0%; Higher BMeT: Madame Web, Borderlands, The American Society of Magical Negroes, Uglies, The Crow; Higher Notability: Joker: Folie à Deux, Reagan, Borderlands, The Garfield Movie, Madame Web, Back to Black, Here, Argylle, Kraven the Hunter, Lift, Rebel Moon – Part Two: The Scargiver, Red One, Jackpot!, Atlas, The Union, The Crow, Justice League: Crisis on Infinite Earths – Part Two, My Spy The Eternal City, Harold and the Purple Crayon, A Family Affair, and 13 more; Lower RT: Megamind vs. The Doom Syndicate, Borderlands, Madame Web, Air Force One Down, Mother of the Bride, Kraven the Hunter, Breathe, Uglies, Rebel Moon – Part Two: The Scargiver, Justice League: Crisis on Infinite Earths – Part Two, Tarot, Reagan, Killer Heat, Canary Black, Mea Culpa, Atlas; Notes: The only thing to do with 2024 films is to highlight ones we aren’t watching I suppose. Uglies is a hilarious one. It might as well be the Platonic Solids series, but somehow unironic. With an objectively attractive woman (Joey King) being the titular “ugly”. It’s nuts. I’ll probably read the book long before I watch this movie.

RogerEbert.com – 2.5 stars – Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water, it’s “Night Swim,” your annual January horror movie from the folks at Blumhouse. … The reveal of the entity that’s causing all this terror is laugh-out-loud hilarious, though, and I’m going to choose to assume that was McGuire’s intention. “Night Swim” also features amusing turns in small, supporting roles from Nancy Lenehan as the Minnesota-nice real estate agent who sells the family the house and Ben Sinclair as an oddball pool technician. And Russell clearly knows what movie he’s in as evidenced by some of his line deliveries, which are innocent and earnest in the face of increasingly absurd circumstances. It’s as if he’s beckoning us: Come on in, the water’s fine.

(Do I believe that any of this is ironic? … No, I don’t. Are there jokes in horror films? Yeah, there always has been. The idea that any level of absurdity means all levels of irony are possible I think is an issue in modern filmmaking. This movie isn’t a good horror film. It fails at that at any level. Intentionally failing is not the same as succeeding.)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PhlLO3Nb3sY/

(The Billie Eilish sting is absurd. The movie looks like it could be scary, but something about it (the heavy reliance on young actors maybe) points to this as a disaster in the making.)

Directors – Bryce McGuire – ( BMT: Night Swim; Notes: It is a littler interesting. He has nothing on the docket. That is pretty abnormal for a young director I feel like.)

Writers – Bryce McGuire – ( Known For: Baghead; BMT: Night Swim; Notes: He wrote and directed the short film this is based on as well. Again, the idea that he is ironically making this a bad movie is absurd.)

Rod Blackhurst – ( Known For: Blood for Dust; BMT: Night Swim; Notes: This guy also wrote and directed the short, but didn’t direct the feature length. He has two on the docket though, both horror films.)

Actors – Wyatt Russell – ( Known For: 22 Jump Street; Cowboys & Aliens; This Is 40; Overlord; The Woman in the Window; Escape from L.A.; Everybody Wants Some!!; Ingrid Goes West; Cold in July; We Are What We Are; Shimmer Lake; Goon: Last of the Enforcers; Love and Honor; High School; At the Devil’s Door; Blaze; Folk Hero & Funny Guy; BMT: Soldier; Table 19; Night Swim; Notes: The son of Kurt Russell and Goldie Hawn. He’s now in the MCU as <checks notes> John Walker? Whatever. He’s also in some sort of Steven Spielberg film that is coming out.)

Kerry Condon – ( Known For: Avengers: Endgame; Avengers: Infinity War; Avengers: Age of Ultron; Captain America: Civil War; Spider-Man: Homecoming; Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri; The Banshees of Inisherin; Unleashed; This Must Be the Place; Ned Kelly; Dom Hemingway; Bad Samaritan; Angela’s Ashes; In the Land of Saints and Sinners; The Last Station; Intermission; Dreamland; Gold; Rat; How Harry Became a Tree; BMT: Night Swim; Notes: She was nominated for an Oscar for Banshees of Inisherin. And also she voiced the new AI in all the Avengers films.)

Amélie Hoeferle – ( Known For: The Hunger Games: The Ballad of Songbirds & Snakes; BMT: Night Swim; Notes: The daughter. This is legit just her second feature film, she did shorts prior. None of her upcoming projects immediately ring a bell. She is German apparently.)

Budget/Gross – $15 million / Domestic: $32,494,740 (Worldwide: $54,768,317)

(That isn’t bad. As usual, horror films basically can’t lose money. This almost certainly made a return, although maybe not as much as they sometimes hope on these low budget films.)

Rotten Tomatoes – 20% (34/173): Despite a promising start and a handful of solid scares, Night Swim is undone by a premise that just isn’t strong enough to support a feature-length film.

(That makes sense since it is actually just a short extended to full length. I don’t think there are any good scares though.)

Reviewer Highlight: Condon’s fierce yet heartfelt performance and the underwater sequences keep Night Swim treading water, but the high concept novelty wears out its welcome quickly for seasoned horror fans who’ve seen this scenario play out so many times before. – Meagan Navarro, Bloody Disgusting

Poster – Night Sklog

(Nicely spooky and artsy. Wish the font tried a bit more with that watery effect. Can barely see it. Not bad, though. B+.)

Tagline(s) – Everything you fear is under the surface. (B+)

(It’s straining a little too much and is a little too long to warrant getting up into A range. I can see what they are doing. Under the surface with the double meaning. Implication about the aspect of the plot. It’s clever, but they couldn’t quite get there.)

Keyword(s) – 1983-1991

Top 10: The Silence of the Lambs (1991), Back to the Future (1985), Goodfellas (1990), Terminator 2: Judgment Day (1991), Star Wars: Episode VI – Return of the Jedi (1983), Die Hard (1988), The Terminator (1984), Scarface (1983), Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade (1989), Full Metal Jacket (1987)

Future BMT: 72.7 Look Who’s Talking Too (1990), 72.5 Teen Wolf Too (1987), 67.9 Smokey and the Bandit Part 3 (1983), 61.1 Staying Alive (1983), 59.1 Suburban Commando (1991), 57.7 The NeverEnding Story II: The Next Chapter (1990), 57.6 Ghost Dad (1990), 56.7 The Karate Kid Part III (1989), 55.1 Who’s That Girl (1987), 54.8 Curse of the Pink Panther (1983), 53.5 Graffiti Bridge (1990), 52.5 Johnny Be Good (1988), 52.5 Porky’s II: The Next Day (1983), 52.4 Porky’s Revenge (1985), 52.2 Revenge of the Nerds II: Nerds in Paradise (1987), 51.8 Police Academy 3: Back in Training (1986), 49.3 King Solomon’s Mines (1985), 48.7 Hercules (1983), 48.6 Delta Force 2: The Colombian Connection (1990), 48.6 My Stepmother Is an Alien (1988)

BMT: Jaws: The Revenge (1987), Superman IV: The Quest for Peace (1987), Troll 2 (1990), Jaws 3-D (1983), Highlander II: The Quickening (1991), Going Overboard (1989), Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan (1989), Police Academy 6: City Under Siege (1989), Mac and Me (1988), Caddyshack II (1988), Police Academy 5: Assignment: Miami Beach (1988), Freddy’s Dead: The Final Nightmare (1991), Howard the Duck (1986), Supergirl (1984), Cool as Ice (1991), Friday the 13th: A New Beginning (1985), The Garbage Pail Kids Movie (1987), Leonard Part 6 (1987), Halloween 5: The Revenge of Michael Myers (1989), Superman III (1983), Poltergeist III (1988), A Nightmare on Elm Street: The Dream Child (1989), Police Academy 4: Citizens on Patrol (1987), Wild Orchid (1989), Cyborg (1989), Problem Child 2 (1991), Rhinestone (1984), Red Sonja (1985), Troll (1986), Bolero (1984), …

(This is a hold over from Transylvania 6-5000. We didn’t have a true way to transition from the mid 80s to now, so we have to do a biCycle of sorts.)

Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 23) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Wyatt Russell is No. 1 billed in Night Swim and No. 7 billed in Table 19, which also stars Anna Kendrick (No. 1 billed) who is in What to Expect When You’re Expecting (No. 3 billed) which also stars Jennifer Lopez (No. 1 billed) who is in Gigli (No. 2 billed) which also stars Ben Affleck (No. 1 billed) who is in Pearl Harbor (No. 1 billed) which also stars Josh Hartnett (No. 3 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 3 billed) => (1 + 7) + (1 + 3) + (1 + 2) + (1 + 1) + (3 + 3) = 23. If we were to watch Jack, and The Glass House we can get the HoE Number down to 23.

Notes – The real life house location used for the family home on screen doesn’t actually fully connect to the garage, so the pool can be seen from the front yard. A facade was added to make it look like one full structure and to block the pool from the view in the front of the house.

The school that the kids attend is named Harold Holt. Holt was an Australian Prime Minister who was an avid swimmer and disappeared, and presumably died, while swimming in the ocean.

In 2018, director Rod Blackhurst and writer Bryce McGuire sold a feature length adaptation of their short film Night Swim (2014) about a woman terrorized in her pool by an evil spirit to James Wan’s Atomic Monster. McGuire is set to direct.

Wyatt Russell’s dad, Kurt Russell, was actually a very good minor league baseball player and would have made the MLB if it were not for an injury.

Rocky V Preview

Jamie, Samantha, Patrick and Kyle all quadruple group hug. Tears and snot mingle on their shirts. For a brief shining moment Samantha sees her roller rink beaus looking down from heaven nodding and giving her a thumbs up. “I couldn’t help but overhear,” Patrick says, when the group hug had run its course, putting emphasis on the word ‘overhear’ in order to really hammer home the lessons they all learned that day. “But what ever happened to Alajandro and Brad?” Samantha smiles sadly. “In a wild coincidence they also had vague terminal illnesses. It was part of why they were engaging in the particularly risky activities of drag racing and rollerskating on the day I met them. They each, separately and unknown to the other, had nothing left to live for… I guess that is until they met little ol’ me. And then once they were gone,” with that her voice catches and she runs her hand across a faded heart carved in the Wall of Lovers. “Once they were gone I also didn’t have much to live for and so why not take part in an obvious sham Fashion Week? Why not dress as half a horse? I just didn’t count on meeting my actual other half that day.” Jamie and Samantha share a passionate kiss. The smooch goes on and on, seemingly (and in actuality) for hours. It would have been extremely uncomfortable for Patrick and Kyle to stand there watching them if it wasn’t so beautiful. A beautiful unique tragic love. A tear runs down Kyle’s face as he ponders the beautiful unique mannequin he will craft to remember this moment by. Samantha and Jamie break their kiss and with eyes shining Samantha asks, “You wanted to know what was next?” Jamie nods. “It’s time to Rock.” That’s right! It is time to rock. Rocky IV and Rocky V that is. Rocky IV hasn’t always qualified, so we are jumping at that chance. Rocky V? That’s always qualified. For a Friend we are bringing along The Invisible Maniac. It’s about a maniac that turns himself invisible. It’s all there in the title. Let’s go!

Rocky V (1990) – BMeTric: 55.1; Notability: 52

StreetCreditReport.com – BMeTric: top 2.0%; Notability: top 4.8%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 19.7%; Higher BMeT: Captain America, Look Who’s Talking Too, The NeverEnding Story II: The Next Chapter, Ghost Dad, Leatherface: Texas Chainsaw Massacre III; Higher Notability: RoboCop 2, The Bonfire of the Vanities, Predator 2, Days of Thunder, Jetsons: The Movie, Young Guns II, The Adventures of Ford Fairlane, Air America, Marked for Death, The Rookie, Captain America, Stella; Lower RT: Problem Child, Death Warrant, Graveyard Shift, Repossessed, Loose Cannons, Soultaker, Madhouse, Funny About Love, Captain America, Ghost Dad, Fire Birds, Spaced Invaders, Meet the Applegates, Where the Heart Is, Heart Condition, Ernest Goes to Jail, Delta Force 2: The Colombian Connection, Look Who’s Talking Too, Air America, Everybody Wins, and 27 more; Notes: I literally cannot believe Rocky V played on television as much as it did (72 times). It is also interesting that the top BMeT films are often just not that popular. Here Captain America played 17 times, but the next three after played 66, 51, and 32 times. Robocop 2 also played 54 times. Anyways, of all the Rocky films this is the big gun from a Notability and BMeT perspective.

New York Times – Rocky, Buffeted by Fists and Life, Returns to His Roots – HIDDEN in the attic at the Balboa manor house are a black leather jacket, an old sweatshirt and a porkpie hat, relics of the Rocky of yore. Early in “Rocky V,” the humbled ex-champ is forced to take these things, put them back on and go home to palookaville (in this case, South Philadelphia), as if he had never been noisily and conspicuously on top of the world. … It’s a smart move. There’s life in the old boy yet.

(MY GOD. How embarrassing for the New York Times. And that’s Janet Maslin, that ain’t no scrub watching this film. I can see the point … it just doesn’t square with the last 10 minutes of the film.)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C2_k8p3RQx4/

(An unscrupulous promoter ehhhhhhhhh. It is kind of insane that they don’t actually fight in the film. It is ridiculous that they don’t even have the fight. It is effectively what Rocky Balboa is about.)

Directors – John G. Avildsen – ( Known For: Rocky; The Karate Kid; The Karate Kid Part II; Lean on Me; Inferno; The Power of One; Neighbors; Save the Tiger; Joe; The Formula; A Night in Heaven; Hurry Sundown; W.W. and the Dixie Dancekings; Happy New Year; Cry Uncle; Guess What We Learned in School Today?; Slow Dancing in the Big City; Foreplay; The Stoolie; Future BMT: The Karate Kid Part III; 8 Seconds; For Keeps?; BMT: Rocky V; Notes: Nominated for Traveling Hopefully, and won Best Director for Rocky. Kind of amazing he managed to make both the best and worst Rocky film.)

Writers – Sylvester Stallone – ( Known For: Rocky; The Expendables; The Expendables 2; Creed; First Blood; Rocky II; Rocky Balboa; Rocky III; Creed II; Cliffhanger; Homefront; Creed III; F.I.S.T.; Paradise Alley; Future BMT: Staying Alive; BMT: Rambo; Rocky IV; The Expendables 3; Rambo: First Blood Part II; Rocky V; Rambo III; Rambo: Last Blood; Cobra; Over the Top; Driven; Rhinestone; Notes: He has only ever been nominated for Rocky films. Which … I mean looking at his writing credits, that makes perfect sense.)

Actors – Sylvester Stallone – ( Known For: Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2; Rocky; Men in Black; The Suicide Squad; Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 3; The Expendables; The Expendables 2; Creed; First Blood; Escape Plan; Rocky II; Rocky Balboa; Rocky III; Antz; Creed II; Cliffhanger; Cop Land; M*A*S*H; Spy Kids 3: Game Over; Samaritan; Future BMT: Staying Alive; Ratchet & Clank; BMT: Rambo; Rocky IV; The Expendables 3; Demolition Man; Rambo: First Blood Part II; Rocky V; Rambo III; Judge Dredd; Tango & Cash; Rambo: Last Blood; Assassins; Cobra; Daylight; The Specialist; Zookeeper; Grudge Match; Over the Top; Lock Up; The Expendables 4; Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot; Driven; Get Carter; Oscar; Rhinestone; Notes: Although, I do think people think Cop Land is the one people point to and say: that is where he should have been nominated or even won. I do like the performance, but the film is just a little blah.)

Talia Shire – ( Known For: The Godfather; The Godfather Part II; Rocky; The Godfather Part III; Rocky II; Rocky Balboa; Rocky III; I Heart Huckabees; Palo Alto; Megalopolis; New York Stories; Sly; She’s So Lovely; Rad; Prophecy; The Sparks Brothers; The Dunwich Horror; Deadfall; Homo Erectus; Gas! -Or- It Became Necessary to Destroy the World in Order to Save It.; BMT: Rocky IV; Rocky V; Notes: I did not realize Talia Shire was in Rad. She played Mrs. Jones. And now I need to see this film.)

Burt Young – ( Known For: Rocky; Once Upon a Time in America; Chinatown; Rocky II; Rocky Balboa; Rocky III; Win Win; New York, I Love You; Transamerica; Mickey Blue Eyes; Back to School; Convoy; Sly; Rob the Mob; The Pope of Greenwich Village; She’s So Lovely; The Killer Elite; Across 110th Street; Last Exit to Brooklyn; The Gambler; BMT: Rocky IV; Rocky V; The Adventures of Pluto Nash; Going Overboard; Amityville II: The Possession; Notes: I find it crazy he was third billed here, it obviously should have been Stallone’s son. His son’s performance is crazy in this, but also it is quite bad.)

Budget/Gross – $42 million / Domestic: $40,946,358 (Worldwide: $119,946,358)

(This isn’t bad, but yeah, it is obvious the series had ended once the domestic take didn’t hit $100 million. I can’t imagine what Rocky VI would have been though … I guess him training his son?)

Rotten Tomatoes – 32% (12/38): Rocky V’s attempts to recapture the original’s working-class grit are as transparently phony as each of the thuddingly obvious plot developments in a misguided installment that sent the franchise flailing into longterm limbo.

(I cannot believe this has a 32% on Rotten Tomatoes. This film is genuinely horrid. And yeah, Rocky V is exclusively the reason this franchise went dark for years.)

New york Times Description: Scraping the barrel. Sweaty and juiceless.

Poster – Rock ’em Sock ’em V: Maybe Lay Off the Socking For a Bit

(Really terrible. Also very funny that the whole film is based on the idea that he’s training the next big Rocky sensation, but the poster is more or less “not so fast.” D.)

Tagline(s) – Go for it! (F)

(Not this one. Go back to the one that implies the fight in the film is actually on the level of a world war.)

Keyword(s) – 1983-1991

Best Options (franchise): 72.7 Look Who’s Talking Too (1990), 67.9 Smokey and the Bandit Part 3 (1983), 57.7 The NeverEnding Story II: The Next Chapter (1990), 56.7 The Karate Kid Part III (1989), 55.1 Rocky V (1990), 54.8 Curse of the Pink Panther (1983), 52.5 Porky’s II: The Next Day (1983), 52.4 Porky’s Revenge (1985), 52.2 Revenge of the Nerds II: Nerds in Paradise (1987), 51.8 Police Academy 3: Back in Training (1986), …

(Kind of crazy this isn’t one of the tops. The only one worth anything there I think is The Karate Kid Part III. That series really really goes off the rails.)

Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 9) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Sylvester Stallone is No. 1 billed in Rocky V and No. 1 billed in The Expendables 3, which also stars Jason Statham (No. 2 billed) who is in In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale (No. 1 billed) which also stars Leelee Sobieski (No. 3 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 1 billed) => (1 + 1) + (2 + 1) + (3 + 1) = 9. If we were to watch The Glass House we can get the HoE Number down to 8.

Notes – Sylvester Stallone originally planned to make the effects of Rocky’s brain damage much more visible and painful to see, but altered these plans after watching a few days of footage because the sight of Rocky like that was “like seeing your favorite dog with dysplasia.”

During shooting, John G. Avildsen felt that cinematographer Steven Poster was over-lighting many scenes. He told Poster he wanted the film to look more like Rocky (1976), in which James Crabe often used a single spotlight to light an entire scene (such as the opening boxing match). Poster told Avildsen that the original film “looked like a cheap documentary”. Avildsen smiled and said, “Exactly”.

In an interview with Jonathan Ross, Sylvester Stallone was asked to rate each of the “Rocky” movies out of 10. He gave this movie zero.

Sylvester Stallone originally toyed with the idea of killing Rocky off at the end of the film. The plan was that Rocky would die in an ambulance on its way to the hospital with Adrian by his side. At the hospital, she would have announced to the world of his passing and his spirit would live on with a final flashback of the famous scene of him running up the steps. Stallone ultimately abandoned this concept and rewrote the ending.

This is the first movie where Rocky’s real name, Robert, is used. When Rocky first meets Tommy Gunn, as George Washington Duke pulls up in his limo, Duke says “Mr. Robert ‘Rocky’ Balboa!”

Awards – Nominee for the Razzie Award for Worst Picture (Irwin Winkler, Robert Chartoff)

Nominee for the Razzie Award for Worst Actor (Sylvester Stallone)

Nominee for the Razzie Award for Worst Actress (Talia Shire)

Nominee for the Razzie Award for Worst Supporting Actor (Burt Young)

Nominee for the Razzie Award for Worst Director (John G. Avildsen)

Amityville 3-D Preview

“What? No,” Samantha says, confused as to why Jamie would think a scorpion would have stung her in the forests of Massachusetts. She cradles her arm and looks at him with tears in her eyes. “I’ve been trying to tell you,” she says softly. “I know,” Jamie says, even softer, “but I wasn’t listening. But I’m listening now.” They slowly walk their way into the roller rink that contains the Wall of Lovers and sit at a table. Two milkshakes later and they’re ready to talk. “Do you remember when I told you about how I used to be a track and field star in high school but then had to stop?” Jamie shakes his head. He didn’t remember that at all, but it explains her blazing fast speed. “Alright,” she continues, “but you must remember how I told you about the time that a couple of boys drag raced their way into this roller rink and then into my heart while they rebuilt the roller rink together.” It sounded familiar but he eventually shakes his head. He probably would have remembered that if he had been listening. “OK,” she presses on, visibly frustrated, “but how could you forget that after finding my true loves we decided to carve our names in the Wall of Lovers and that’s when we noticed…” she trails off, her eyes pleading with Jamie to have at least absorbed the most tragic of the many tragic stories in her unique beautiful and doomed life. Jamie’s face is blank. Slowly he opens his mouth. “Yes,” he says. Samantha gives up and comes around to his side of the table and hands him a book. It’s the third of the Holly Ween series. Holly Ween’s Possessed 3D. That’s right! We are hitting up one of the most famous horror series for the first time by catching Amityville 2: The Possession and Amityville Horror 3-D. I really don’t like the first film much. I think it’s bad and kind of crazy that it spurred a whole series of films. But apparently these are even worse. Cool. As for Bring a Friend, let’s lighten it up a bit with the “classic” T&A comedy, Joysticks. Now we’re talking. Let’s go!

Amityville 3-D (1983) – BMeTric: 58.4; Notability: 24

StreetCreditReport.com – BMeTric: top 1.7%; Notability: top 12.1%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 5.9%; Higher BMeT: Jaws 3-D, Smokey and the Bandit Part 3, Superman III, Staying Alive; Higher Notability: Superman III, Curse of the Pink Panther, Krull, Deal of the Century, Doctor Detroit, Flashdance, The Sting II, D.C. Cab, Staying Alive, The Man Who Loved Women, The Lords of Discipline, Spacehunter: Adventures in the Forbidden Zone, The Keep, Two of a Kind, The Black Stallion Returns, Stroker Ace, Class, Jaws 3-D, Romantic Comedy, Nate and Hayes, and 8 more; Lower RT: Staying Alive, Nate and Hayes, The Lonely Lady, The Man Who Wasn’t There, The Survivors, Porky’s II: The Next Day, Still Smokin, Deal of the Century, The Sting II, Jaws 3-D, Smokey and the Bandit Part 3; Notes: It claims it only played twice on cable in the 90s, but that is probably because it is called Amityville: The Demon in the paper, but Amityville 3-D on IMDb. Jaws 3-D played 34 times, Smokey and the Bandit Part 3 played 20 times, and Superman III played 30 times (remember drunk Superman? That was great). We are actually doing pretty well on the top 5 for 1983, we have Staying Alive slated for early 2025. Joysticks played 5 times on television which is hilarious.

New York Times – Janet Maslin – The third in a 3-D series, as in ”Jaws 3-D” or now ”Amityville 3-D,” simply isn’t a good idea. Once the first two films in a series have exhausted most opportunities for action, the third is liable to average half a dozen exposition scenes for every eventful episode. And 3-D exposition is the stuff of which headaches are made[.]

(This is probably sage advice. On the other hand, money money money money. The series was still making money.)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6SOBXnEY-Cc/

(Dems alotta screams in this trailer. Haha, man this trailer is all about this being a #D film, something you’d never really be able to recreate at this point. It is really too bad. I would kind of love to see it in 3D. “This picture is not a sequel to the pictures ‘Amityville Horror’ or ‘Amityville II: The Possession’” … it isn’t?)

Directors – Richard Fleischer – ( Known For: Soylent Green; 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea; Tora! Tora! Tora!; Fantastic Voyage; The Vikings; The Boston Strangler; Doctor Dolittle; Mr. Majestyk; 10 Rillington Place; The Narrow Margin; Compulsion; Barabbas; His Kind of Woman; The Jazz Singer; Mandingo; See No Evil; The New Centurions; Armored Car Robbery; Violent Saturday; The Last Run; Future BMT: Million Dollar Mystery; BMT: Conan the Destroyer; Red Sonja; Amityville 3-D; Notes: He won an Oscar for the Documentary Design for Death in 1948. He was on a role in the 80s though, this then Conan and then Red Sonja.)

Writers – David Ambrose – ( Known For: The Final Countdown; D.A.R.Y.L.; Taffin; The French Revolution; The Survivor; The Fifth Musketeer; A Dangerous Summer; Il gioco; Future BMT: Year of the Gun; BMT: Amityville 3-D; Notes: Year of the Gun is one of those weirdo bad Andrew McCarthy films. Looks nuts.)

Actors – Tony Roberts – ( Known For: Annie Hall; Serpico; Hannah and Her Sisters; The Taking of Pelham One Two Three; Radio Days; Play It Again, Sam; Stardust Memories; A Midsummer Night’s Sex Comedy; The Longest Week; 12 and Holding; Los Angeles Plays Itself; The Million Dollar Duck; Le sauvage; Seize the Day; Just Tell Me What You Want; Broadway: The Golden Age, by the Legends Who Were There; Key Exchange; Star Spangled Girl; Future BMT: Switch; Popcorn; 18 Again!; BMT: Amityville 3-D; Notes: Oh man, he was in the Dirty Dancing remake in 2017. He literally just died a week ago. Often worked with Woody Allen.)

Tess Harper – ( Known For: No Country for Old Men; El Camino; Frank; Silkwood; The Man in the Moon; Tender Mercies; Straight A’s; Crimes of the Heart; Burden; Sunlight Jr.; Flashpoint; Broken Bridges; Loggerheads; Kiss the Bride; Broken; Saving Sarah Cain; Daddy’s Dyin’… Who’s Got the Will?; My New Gun; Far North; The Turning; Future BMT: The Jackal; The Perfect Guy; Her Alibi; The in Crowd; Criminal Law; My Heroes Have Always Been Cowboys; BMT: Ishtar; Amityville 3-D; Notes: Nominated for an Oscar for Crimes of the Heart. From Arkansas.)

Robert Joy – ( Known For: Don’t Look Up; Waterworld; The Hills Have Eyes; Land of the Dead; Fallen; It’s a Boy Girl Thing; Radio Days; Desperately Seeking Susan; The Dark Half; Atlantic City; Shadows and Fog; Resurrection; Harriet the Spy; Pretty Persuasion; Ragtime; Death Wish: The Face of Death; Millennium; Longtime Companion; I’ll Do Anything; That Guy… Who Was in That Thing; Future BMT: Sweet November; Superhero Movie; The Goldfinch; Joe Somebody; BMT: Aliens vs. Predator: Requiem; Amityville 3-D; Notes: Hard working. Was on CSI: NY for 165 episodes.)

Budget/Gross – N/A / Domestic: $6,333,135 (Worldwide: $6,333,135)

(Seems good enough. There is no way this cost more than a few million to make.)

Rotten Tomatoes – 18% (4/22): A gimmicky Amityville retread with insufferable characters.

(Ha! Insufferable characters. I mean, they’re not wrong I suppose. Also a standard staple of third editions of classic horror franchises from the 80s.)

New York Times Description: Horror Junk (Ha!!! That’s legit it)

Poster – Amitysklog 3-J&P

(I’ve seen this poster before and it’s never not funny. Just an insane thing to put together and be like ‘nailed it.’ I mean it’s an A+++++ obviously.)

Tagline(s) – WARNING: in this movie you are the victim. (C)

(I understand what they are going for and I think there is something clever about it when you put it with that hilarious alien monster hand reaching out. But it also warps my brain a little.)

Keyword(s) – 1983-1991

Best Options (Horror): 58.3 Amityville 3-D (1983), 45.7 Children of the Corn (1984), 45.4 DeepStar Six (1989), 42.4 Shocker (1989), 41.9 House II: The Second Story (1987), 37.9 Invaders from Mars (1986), 37.7 Return of the Living Dead II (1988), 32.7 The Seventh Sign (1988), 30.1 Creepshow 2 (1987), 28.3 The Phantom of the Opera (1989), 26.5 My Demon Lover (1987), 26.0 Bad Dreams (1988), 25.6 The Unholy (1988), 25.3 The First Power (1990), 24.2 Dark Angel (1990), 23.4 Popcorn (1991), 22.4 Nightmares (1983), 21.6 Dead Heat (1988), 20.8 The Believers (1987), 17.7 Phantasm II (1988)

(Boom, smashed it. This movie is insane and was destined to be done in this cycle. Thank you for being you Amityville 3-D.)

Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 23) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Tess Harper is No. 2 billed in Amityville 3-D and No. 6 billed in Ishtar, which also stars Warren Beatty (No. 1 billed) who is in Town & Country (No. 1 billed) which also stars Josh Hartnett (No. 10 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 3 billed) => (2 + 6) + (1 + 1) + (10 + 3) = 23. If we were to watch Criminal Law, and Paranoia we can get the HoE Number down to 17.

Notes – Not counting Amityville: The Awakening (2017), which is a completely original story, this is the only theatrically released Amityville film not to be based on a book but instead on the real life accounts of investigator Stephen Kaplan.

The frost that blows out of the basement onto Candy Clark was actually warm wax. She later admitted that she had to wash her hair with detergent to get it all out.

Like the previous installment, Amityville 3-D filmed the exterior scenes at the same house in Toms River, New Jersey and a house nearby for the exterior of Nancy’s house. The interior was a set in a Mexico studio: Estudios Churubusco. The filmmakers almost never got the house to film at again. It was scheduled to be picked up and moved over one lot. They were only able to film the exterior shots before the house was moved. Originally the house had four quarter shaped moon windows, two on both sides. However, by the time of filming in 3D, the owners of the house did not want the eye windows on the side of the house facing the road so they modified them to look like small ordinary square windows. All shots of the “eye” windows (except for the most noticeable scene when John and Susan pull up to the house) had to be filmed on the side facing the river that has the sundeck.

Also known as Amityville III: The Demon.

The character of John Baxter is loosely based on Stephen Kaplan and his investigation of the house, who at the time was trying to prove the Lutzes’ story was a hoax.

Child’s Play 3 Preview

A column of flame wooshes to the ceiling as Patrick and Kyle put their finishing touches on the 1997’s Spawn themed dinner that has left both Jamie and Samantha laughing and applauding and making out with glee. From the Pie-olators savory pie medley to the Michael Chai & White chocolate fondue, it all delighted, but nothing more so than Hell on Earth: the record-setting banana flambé. After finishing thanking the representative from the Guiness Book of World Records who had confirmed that not only was this the largest banana flambé of all time, but also the most delicious, Patrick turns back to Jamie and Samantha. He takes a step back in shock when he sees that Jamie is down on one knee. His keys to love really worked! “Samantha,” Jamie begins, “I know we haven’t known each other for very long, but I feel like we’ve already had our love tested. I haven’t always been perfect. Scott Bakula didn’t deserve to have his head fly off at his funeral. Patrick and Kyle didn’t deserve to have me become a mud baby in the face of losing my hearing. Through all that you still loved me and I didn’t deserve that.” Samantha tries to interrupt, but Jamie stops her. “No, you’re right. There is no deserving here. It is just the fact that through your love I found the strength of my own love for you.” There isn’t a dry eye in the house as Jamie launches the last bit of his speech. “I want to carve our names on the Wall of Lovers in your hometown. You are the Jason to my Friday the 13th. The Chucky to my…” But before he can finish Samantha rushes out of the restaurant in tears. Jamie is stupefied. “I didn’t mean she’s a monster.” That’s right! We are heading into one of the classics of the horror genre with Child’s Play 3. Chucky’s back, Jack! And why not pair that with an equally important third entrant in a trilogy: Critters 3. This time it’s personal or something. Let’s go!

Child’s Play 3 (1991) – BMeTric: 58.2; Notability: 44

StreetCreditReport.com – BMeTric: top 2.4%; Notability: top 10.0%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 9.7%; Higher BMeT: Highlander II: The Quickening, Freddy’s Dead: The Final Nightmare, Cool as Ice, Critters 3, Problem Child 2, Suburban Commando; Higher Notability: Hook, Hudson Hawk, Flight of the Intruder, Mobsters, Necessary Roughness, Switch, Life Stinks, Out for Justice, F/X2, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze, Rock-A-Doodle, The Marrying Man, Rover Dangerfield, Married to It, Dutch, Oscar, King Ralph, Highlander II: The Quickening, Billy Bathgate, If Looks Could Kill, and 5 more; Lower RT: Highlander II: The Quickening, Return to the Blue Lagoon, Critters 3, The Super, Run, Cool as Ice, Another You, All I Want for Christmas, Problem Child 2, Mobsters, The Marrying Man, Strictly Business, Drop Dead Fred, Oscar, The Hitman, Mannequin: On the Move, Curly Sue, One Good Cop, Nothing But Trouble, Suburban Commando, and 3 more; Notes: Played 46 times on cable in the 90s. Compared to Critters 3 (4 times) that ain’t bad. It was about the same for Highlander II, but the rest are more spotty. With these two we only have Suburban Commando in the top 7 BMeT for 1991.

New York Times – The most intriguing part of the film is the lifelike way Chucky walks, talks and slashes. He is actually played by several mechanical dolls and is an impressive technological achievement. But advancing the state of technology is probably not what the makers of “Child’s Play 3” had in mind.

(Slammed … but also the truth. The impressive bit of the films are how they mix and match the different tech with the doll. Compare this to the Leprechaun series where it is just Warwick Davis in a suit all the time forever.)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3No1jTRSvg8/

(Hell on earth? Lol. Oh shit that is Odo from Star Trek: Deep Space Nine. I kind of love this trailer. The movie looks like shit, but I love the twist in the middle where it is like wait … what is this movie about. And then Chucky pops up.)

Directors – Jack Bender – ( BMT: Child’s Play 3; Notes: He won an Emmy as a producer for Lost, and was nominated a bunch of times for directing that series as well. He is mostly a television director, including Game of Thrones and Mr. Mercedes more recently.)

Writers – Don Mancini – ( Known For: Child’s Play; Bride of Chucky; Child’s Play 2; Child’s Play; Curse of Chucky; Cult of Chucky; Cellar Dweller; Future BMT: Seed of Chucky; BMT: Child’s Play 3; Notes: One of the reasons this series plays so well with hardcore fans is mainly because Mancini has been heavily involved throughout the series. After the third the series, successfully, went full horror-comedy with the Jennifer Tilly character.)

Actors – Justin Whalin – ( Known For: The Dead Pool; Serial Mom; Super Capers: The Origins of Ed and the Missing Bullion; For the Cause; Blood of Beasts; White Wolves II: Legend of the Wild; Denial; Off the Ledge; BMT: Child’s Play 3; Dungeons & Dragons; Notes: Dungeons & Dragons is the big one, one of his rare leading roles. He seems to have at least semi-retired in 2009.)

Perrey Reeves – ( Known For: Mr. & Mrs. Smith; Old School; Plus One; Kicking and Screaming; Cosmic Sin; Smoke Signals; The Suburbans; An American Affair; Innocence; High Voltage; Future BMT: Entourage; American Dreamz; Undiscovered; BMT: Child’s Play 3; Notes: Oh right, ha, she’s Frank’s wife in Old School. But probably more famously she appeared in Entourage a ton as Ari’s wife.)

Jeremy Sylvers – ( BMT: Child’s Play 3; Notes: This is really it for him. He was in an episode of Saved by the Bell, but apparently uncredited.)

Budget/Gross – $13 million / Domestic: $14,960,255 (Worldwide: $20,560,255)

(That feels disastrous. Which I guess explains why there was a 7 year hiatus between the third film and the resurrected comedy series it became.)

Rotten Tomatoes – 19% (3/16)

(If you look there is a mix of people basically being like “man, when they took this seriously the series sucked!” and people being like “man, when they took it seriously the series was awesome … well except for the third film I guess.” People universally hated it.)

New York Times Listing Description – Cute little killer doll had a certain wit. Now simply vile, bit like Jason, bit like early Terminator.

Poster – Voodoo Doll Curse 3: Still Cursed

(It is striking if a bit unimaginative. I like the font on the 3. I also remember these images really freaking me out as a kid in the video store. They’re pretty silly though. B.)

Tagline(s) – There comes a time to put away childhood things. But some things just won’t stay put! (C-)

Look who’s stalking (A)

(The first is clever but I don’t have to tell you it’s far too long. The second if quite funny. They nailed it with that one.)

Keyword(s) – 1991-1999

Top 10: Home Alone 2: Lost in New York (1992), Hook (1991), Batman & Robin (1997), Batman Forever (1995), Big Daddy (1999), Ace Ventura: When Nature Calls (1995), Godzilla (1998), Event Horizon (1997), Demolition Man (1993), The Bone Collector (1999)

Future BMT: 86.8 Street Fighter (1994), 83.0 Inspector Gadget (1999), 79.3 Home Alone 3 (1997), 75.5 Look Who’s Talking Now (1993), 74.9 Junior (1994), 72.4 The Next Karate Kid (1994), 71.9 Mr. Magoo (1997), 68.1 The Crow: City of Angels (1996), 67.2 Turbo: A Power Rangers Movie (1997), 67.1 Mr. Nanny (1993), 63.5 Showgirls (1995), 61.8 Pet Sematary II (1992), 61.6 Cop & ½ (1993), 61.2 Beethoven’s 2nd (1993), 60.5 The Mangler (1995), 60.1 Spawn (1997), 59.9 Children of the Corn II: The Final Sacrifice (1992), 59.6 Jury Duty (1995), 59.0 Suburban Commando (1991), 58.0 Holy Man (1998)

Best Options (1991-1991): 59.0 Suburban Commando (1991), 58.2 Child’s Play 3 (1991), 44.8 King Ralph (1991), 40.6 V.I. Warshawski (1991), 38.2 The Butcher’s Wife (1991), 37.9 House Party 2 (1991), 33.6 Career Opportunities (1991), 32.1 Curly Sue (1991), 31.9 Scenes from a Mall (1991), 31.6 Another You (1991), 31.3 Ernest Scared Stupid (1991), 30.5 Drop Dead Fred (1991), 29.7 Switch (1991), 28.9 He Said, She Said (1991), 28.9 Delirious (1991), 28.9 Eve of Destruction (1991), 28.5 Billy Bathgate (1991), 27.9 F/X2 (1991), 27.8 The Super (1991), 27.7 Life Stinks (1991), 27.6 Dying Young (1991), 27.2 Flight of the Intruder (1991), 27.2 If Looks Could Kill (1991), 27.1 Pure Luck (1991), 27.0 A Kiss Before Dying (1991), 26.8 Out for Justice (1991), 26.5 Mobsters (1991), 26.3 Harley Davidson and the Marlboro Man (1991), …

(Hell yeah, we nailed this one. And we smashed out four movies in a week. And that is in no way depressing. Suburban Commando is a blind spot though, we should watch that.)

Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 18) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Brad Dourif is No. 2 billed in Child’s Play 3 and No. 6 billed in Senseless, which also stars Matthew Lillard (No. 3 billed) who is in Wicker Park (No. 3 billed) which also stars Josh Hartnett (No. 1 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 3 billed) => (2 + 6) + (3 + 3) + (1 + 3) = 18. If we were to watch Passenger 57, Murder at 1600, and The Glass House we can get the HoE Number down to 16.

Notes – Under pressure from Universal, screenwriter Don Mancini was asked to begin writing the third film even before the second film was released. Hence, this picture was released only nine months after Child’s Play 2 (1990). Mancini has called it his least favorite because he felt he was out of ideas so soon after the second installment.

This was the first film in the series to use computers to aid in Chucky’s puppetry – in order to perfect the lip-syncing.

The movie was the center of a tabloid panic in Great Britain, with one newspaper – The Sun – even demanding existing copies be burned. Journalists claimed the film had influenced two 10-year-old boys in their murder of a younger child, two-year-old James Bulger, although it was later determined that neither had actually seen this film.

John Ritter was originally supposed to appear as a security guard at the Good Guy Doll Factory in a sequence where some kids sneak into the factory and discuss the Chucky myth. Ritter later appeared in Bride of Chucky (1998) in a supporting role.

Don Mancini initially wanted to introduce the concept of “multiple Chuckys” in the movie but due to budget constraints, the idea was eventually scrapped. Mancini later used this concept 26 years later for Cult of Chucky (2017).

Spawn Preview

So despite his best efforts, Patrick avoided departing on an extended BMTverse adventure and yet still missed out on his real world adventure with Sly Stallone. “So he was here?” Patrick asks Kyle, who nods, the memory twinkling in his eye. “And you watched Cobra and Cobra 2: Crimedemic with him?” Kyle shakes his head and Patrick lets out a sigh of relief. That would have been too much for his heart to handle. “It was also Tango & Cash.” Patrick grasps for a nearby telephone pole to steady himself and instead finds himself grasping onto the rock hard bicep of Jamie. “We just wanted to come over and thank you,” Jamie says, cuddling up to Samantha. “That 2003 Celtics themed dinner consisting of PB&J sandwiches was exactly what I needed to tell Samantha how I truly feel.” When Jamie pauses to look over at Samantha, Patrick smiles a little. Maybe the four steps hadn’t been quite as easy as he had advertised, but the proof was in the pudding and that pudding was the love… true love… that he could now see shining in Jamie’s eyes. “But,” Jamie continues, “I was selfish in thinking only about myself when it came to this themed dinner. Perhaps not everyone wants a dinner themed entirely around the 2003 Boston Celtics.” Samantha squeezes his hand reassuringly, but Jamie presses on. “No, no I think we want another dinner and this time I want to make sure it’s something we both want.” Patrick is pleased. He starts to imagine what he could do culinarily around themes such as World Peace or A Summer Picnic. Even as his mind whirls around the many possibilities, Jamie and Samantha look at each other and simultaneously belt out the chosen theme: 1997’s Spawn. What thuuuuu… That’s right! We are watching Spawn. I remember watching this film when it came out and loving it. Thought it was hilarious. I was eleven. Nice. Less nice is we are pairing this with An Alan Smithee Film: Burn Hollywood Burn as our Bring a Friend. One of the many films that makes you look at the Razzies and go “seriously?”. Let’s go!

Spawn (1997) – BMeTric: 60.1; Notability: 66

StreetCreditReport.com – BMeTric: top 3.6%; Notability: top 3.2%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 14.2%; Higher BMeT: Batman & Robin, Mortal Kombat: Annihilation, Speed 2: Cruise Control, Home Alone 3, Steel, Mr. Magoo, Double Team, Turbo: A Power Rangers Movie, Chairman of the Board; Higher Notability: Batman & Robin, Speed 2: Cruise Control, The Saint, Dante’s Peak, The Jackal, The Relic, The Postman, Flubber; Lower RT: Plump Fiction, The Peacekeeper, The Blackout, Fall, McHale’s Navy, Gone Fishin’, Mortal Kombat: Annihilation, Speed 2: Cruise Control, The Pest, ‘Til There Was You, An American Werewolf in Paris, Shadow Conspiracy, 8 Heads in a Duffel Bag, Dangerous Ground, An Alan Smithee Film: Burn Hollywood Burn, Steel, Mr. Magoo, Keys to Tulsa, Double Team, Chairman of the Board, and 15 more; Notes: I’m quite surprised by Batman & Robin (56 times on cable) and Speed 2: Cruise Control (64 times on cable). It must have been around this time people realized you could make boatloads putting relatively bad movies on cable a ton. Six of nine for the higher BMeT films, so this makes 7 of the top 10. The other three are, not surprisingly, the three kids’ films.

RogerEbert.com – 3.5 stars – “Spawn” is best seen as an experimental art film. It walks and talks like a big budget horror film, heavy on special effects and pitched at the teenage audience, and maybe that’s how it will be received. But it’s more impressive if you ignore the genre and just look at what’s on the screen. What we have here are creators in several different areas doing their best to push the envelope. The subject is simply an excuse for their art–just as it always is with serious artists.

(Wow, incredible review. I don’t necessarily disagree only because McFarlane is all about pushing the envelope, so it makes sense in a way. I still think the movie is pretty dumb and the acting bad though.)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AypOgfPJWDU/

(On the verge of creation? What does that mean? By the way, this trailer could not be darker. And at times there is a strange white box on top and bottom, and the entire thing is in 4:3? Something tells me this isn’t the official trailer. It really really sucks.)

Directors – Mark A.Z. Dippé – ( Known For: Marmaduke; The Reef 2: High Tide; The Boxcar Children; The Boxcar Children – Surprise Island; BMT: Spawn; Notes: He was mostly a visual effects artist. This was pretty much his first directed film.)

Writers – Todd McFarlane – ( Known For: Spider-Man 3; Venom: Let There Be Carnage; Venom: The Last Dance; Future BMT: Venom; BMT: Spawn; Notes: Won an Emmy for the animated HBO series of Spawn.)

Alan B. McElroy – ( Known For: Wrong Turn; Fractured; Wrong Turn; Tekken; Rapid Fire; Thr3e; Future BMT: The Perfect Guy; BMT: Spawn; Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers; The Marine; Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever; Left Behind: The Movie; Notes: Rapid Fire was a Brandon Lee film. We will obviously be watching The Crow this year since the bizarre remake is coming out.)

Mark A.Z. Dippé – ( Notes: This was his only real writing effort. He has something in development called Wicked City which sounds fake.)

Actors – Michael Jai White – ( Known For: The Dark Knight; Dragged Across Concrete; Black Dynamite; Blood and Bone; Freaky Deaky; 2 Days in the Valley; Why Did I Get Married?; Accident Man; Triple Threat; Falcon Rising; Skin Trade; Black Friday; Breakfast of Champions; Generation Iron; The Toxic Avenger Part II; Batman: Soul of the Dragon; City of Industry; Tactical Force; The Toxic Avenger Part III: The Last Temptation of Toxie; Vigilante Diaries; Future BMT: Why Did I Get Married Too?; Ringmaster; BMT: Universal Soldier; Spawn; Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze; Exit Wounds; Universal Soldier: The Return; On Deadly Ground; Notes: Yeah, we’ve seem him in a lot of things. We even saw him in weird things like the Sudden Death sequel. Let’s plan on Ballistic at some point.)

John Leguizamo – ( Known For: John Wick; Ice Age; John Wick: Chapter 2; The Menu; Die Hard 2; Moulin Rouge!; Ice Age: The Meltdown; Encanto; Ice Age: Dawn of the Dinosaurs; The Lincoln Lawyer; Romeo + Juliet; Chef; Carlito’s Way; Doctor Dolittle; Violent Night; Land of the Dead; American Ultra; Assault on Precinct 13; The Infiltrator; Sisters; Future BMT: Kick-Ass 2; Ice Age: Continental Drift; The Counselor; Ice Age: Collision Course; The Fan; Out for Justice; Love in the Time of Cholera; Revenge; Miracle at St. Anna; What’s the Worst That Could Happen?; Playing with Fire; Walking with Dinosaurs 3D; The Pest; Empire; The Honeymooners; Whispers in the Dark; BMT: The Happening; Gamer; Ride Along; Repo Men; Righteous Kill; Collateral Damage; Spawn; Super Mario Bros.; One for the Money; Notes: Nominated for two and one one Emmy for his stand up special Freak. Then he’s been nominated for two recent miniseries in Waco and When They See Us. The Fan is probably the movie I’m most excited to eventually see by him.)

Martin Sheen – ( Known For: The Departed; Catch Me If You Can; Apocalypse Now; The Amazing Spider-Man; The Amazing Spider-Man 2; Gandhi; JFK; Wall Street; Seeking a Friend for the End of the World; Hot Shots! Part Deux; Selma; Judas and the Black Messiah; Badlands; The Dead Zone; Popstar: Never Stop Never Stopping; The American President; Bobby; The Way; Gettysburg; The Double; Future BMT: Love Happens; The Believers; Hear No Evil; BMT: Spawn; Firestarter; Lost & Found; Notes: He was nominated for ten Emmys (and a few Daytime Emmys). He only won one, for a guest spot on Murphy Brown. The funniest cable movie I found was Boca which appears to be a dumb 9 1/2 Weeks knockoff.)

Budget/Gross – $40,000,000 / Domestic: $54,870,175 (Worldwide: $87,840,042)

(I mean, worldwide maybe, although given the year it probably didn’t do that well. Pretty close to breaking even, probably did on rental and home video in the end.)

Rotten Tomatoes – 17% (8/47): Spawn is an overbearing, over-violent film that adds little to the comic book adaptation genre.

(Over violent is a bit weird I suppose. That does add something to the comic book adaptation genre. This was a fairly abnormal R-rated comic book movie.)

Reviewer Highlight: A moodily malevolent, anything-goes revenge fantasy that relies more upon special visual and digitally animated effects for its intended appeal than any comics-derived sci-fier to date. – Todd McCarthy, Variety

Poster – More like Yawn

(I’d have been excited for this film. It looks cool. Nice font. Overall it does the job and it does it efficiently. B+)

Tagline(s) – Born in darkness. Sworn to justice. (B)

(Sure. It’s not the most clever of taglines. I also quibble a little with it. I’m not a Spawn expert but I’m not sure I’d categorize his work (particularly in this film) as being “sworn to justice.” He’s still hellspawn, no? Anyway, this has some flow to it and is concise. Not bad even if possibly a bit inaccurate.)

Keyword(s) – 1991-1999

Future BMT: 86.8 Street Fighter (1994), 83.0 Inspector Gadget (1999), 79.3 Home Alone 3 (1997), 75.5 Look Who’s Talking Now (1993), 74.9 Junior (1994), 72.4 The Next Karate Kid (1994), 71.9 Mr. Magoo (1997), 68.1 The Crow: City of Angels (1996), 67.2 Turbo: A Power Rangers Movie (1997), 67.1 Mr. Nanny (1993), 63.5 Showgirls (1995), 61.8 Pet Sematary II (1992), 61.6 Cop & ½ (1993), 61.2 Beethoven’s 2nd (1993), 60.5 The Mangler (1995), 59.9 Children of the Corn II: The Final Sacrifice (1992), 59.6 Jury Duty (1995), 59.0 Suburban Commando (1991), 58.2 Child’s Play 3 (1991), 58.0 Holy Man (1998)

BMT: Batman & Robin (1997), Mortal Kombat: Annihilation (1997), Speed 2: Cruise Control (1997), The Avengers (1998), Baby Geniuses (1999), Spice World (1997), Barb Wire (1996), Kazaam (1996), Super Mario Bros. (1993), RoboCop 3 (1993), Highlander II: The Quickening (1991), Jason Goes to Hell (1993), Universal Soldier: The Return (1999), Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot (1992), Steel (1997), Bio-Dome (1996), Striptease (1996), Species II (1998), Freddy’s Dead: The Final Nightmare (1991), The Island of Dr. Moreau (1996), I Still Know What You Did Last Summer (1998), Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers (1995), Wild Wild West (1999), Double Dragon (1994), Anaconda (1997), It’s Pat: The Movie (1994), Lawnmower Man 2: Beyond Cyberspace (1995), Cool as Ice (1991), Wing Commander (1999), Highlander: The Final Dimension (1994), On Deadly Ground (1994), Dudley Do-Right (1999), Double Team (1997), Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III (1993), Vampire in Brooklyn (1995), The Flintstones (1994), The Haunting (1999), Leprechaun (1993), Bats (1999), Fair Game (1995), Cool World (1992), North (1994), Body of Evidence (1993), Problem Child 2 (1991), …

Best Options (1997-1997): 79.3 Home Alone 3 (1997), 71.9 Mr. Magoo (1997), 67.2 Turbo: A Power Rangers Movie (1997), 60.1 Spawn (1997), 57.6 An American Werewolf in Paris (1997), 57.6 Flubber (1997), 54.4 Gone Fishin’ (1997), 53.1 McHale’s Navy (1997), 52.4 The Pest (1997), 51.6 Kull the Conqueror (1997), …

(Obviously the best option from 1997. I wouldn’t have been opposed to something like The Pest though. That’s a weird as fuck movie too.)

Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 14) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: John Leguizamo is No. 3 billed in Spawn and No. 4 billed in Righteous Kill, which also stars Al Pacino (No. 2 billed) who is in 88 Minutes (No. 1 billed) which also stars Leelee Sobieski (No. 3 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 1 billed) => (3 + 4) + (2 + 1) + (3 + 1) = 14. There is no shorter path at the moment.

Notes – Martin Sheen agreed to star in this movie because he always wanted to star in a comic book movie. He later played another comic book role, Uncle Ben in The Amazing Spider-Man (2012).

John Leguizamo ate live waxworms on pizza for this film. He then vomited immediately after the take was wrapped.

Tim Burton was the original choice to direct.

Michael Jai White found Al Simmons’ character appealing; he described Spawn as “the most tragic character I’ve encountered in any cinematic production.” He says it was a challenge to make audiences sympathize with a government assassin who comes back from hell. White had to endure two to four hours of make-up work, including a full glued-on bodysuit, yellow contact lenses that irritated his eyes, and a mask that restricted his breathing. He said that his long-time experience with martial arts helped him endure the uncomfortable prosthetics, giving him “strong will and unbreakable concentration.”

Michael Jai White was actually set on fire for one scene.

Major League: Back to the Minors Preview

Patrick scans the crowd of BMTverse denizens that surrounded him in The Waste, all ready to send him on whatever ludicrous adventure they had in mind. Stonewall Jackson? Nah. Pistachio Disguisey? Definitely not. The Punisher? He shakes his head. Suddenly, far in the back he finds what he’s looking for. “You!” Patrick yells, pointing at Freddie Prinze Jr. “Which one are you?” he asks seriously. “My name’s Ryan Dunne and I seem to have lost my stuff. If you could just…’ At this point Patrick cuts him off. “Great, perfect. You got your glove and a ball? Great, nice.” He moves people out of the way and stands approximately 60 feet from FPJ. “The best way to get back your stuff is to believe in yourself. It’s been inside you the whole time, etc. etc.” At that, Patrick bends over, still looking at FPJ. “Now show me what you got,” Patrick says, waggling his head at the ready for a fastball directly to his dome. FPJ shrugs his shoulders and despite some questionable mechanics delivers a strike that knocks Patrick on his ass.

Patrick awakens and as his vision clears he’s shocked to see the marquee of the wildlife theater come back into view. Cobra is now properly playing, but that’s not the shocking part. Below that are the words “Cobra 2: Crimedemic, World Premier!” He turns to Kyle and asks whether he’s still dreaming. Kyle shakes his head and pats him on the back. “You were glorious,” he assures Patrick without elaborating on how exactly he helped make this a reality. The owner of the theater rushes up to him and pumps his hand enthusiastically. “We made it. My little theater has finally made the major leagues thanks to you and, of course, your best friend Sly Stallone.” That’s right! We are going back to back again, Jack. Major League is one of the best sports comedies of all time. Major League II is not. Major League: Back to the Minors is… also not. Let’s go!

Major League: Back to the Minors (1998) – BMeTric: 52.3; Notability: 41

StreetCreditReport.com – BMeTric: top 4.0%; Notability: top 14.8%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 18.4%; Higher BMeT: The Avengers, 3 Ninjas: High Noon at Mega Mountain, Species II, I Still Know What You Did Last Summer, The Patriot, Lost in Space, Knock Off, Holy Man, Ringmaster, Godzilla; Higher Notability: Godzilla, Lost in Space, 54, Deep Rising, Soldier, Patch Adams, U.S. Marshals, Mercury Rising, Jack Frost, Great Expectations, Senseless, My Giant, Practical Magic, Mafia!, The Avengers, Species II, The Waterboy, The Replacement Killers, Phantoms, Wrongfully Accused, and 17 more; Lower RT: 3 Ninjas: High Noon at Mega Mountain, A Murder of Crows, The Curve, Lulu on the Bridge, The Avengers, Almost Heroes, Tarzan and the Lost City, Senseless, Strangeland, I Still Know What You Did Last Summer, Species II, Phantoms, Knock Off, Woo, Meet the Deedles, A Night at the Roxbury, The Proposition, Firestorm, Holy Man, Hush, and 25 more; Notes: Played 23 times on cable in the 90s. Ridiculous. If you look at all of the higher BMeT films, that is actually quite high (tied with The Avengers for the most). We are also 12 of 15 for those films for BMT which is amazing. We really have crushed the late 90s. Holy Man is the big blind spot really, Ringmaster and the 3 Ninjas sequels are kind of not movies.

Variety – This third outing in the “Major League” series, which opened unceremoniously without press screenings, won’t set any box office records.

(My god! I wonder how many of the BMT films we’ve done didn’t do press screenings. That would be something that is probably impossible to figure out.)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o6-wczHGRHk/

(Jesus, the baseball trill at the beginning is so loud! I don’t get this film. Remember that film that you liked? And the sequel you … tolerated. This is a totally different team with all the most aggravating characters being the only ones we brought back.)

Directors – John Warren – ( BMT: Major League: Back to the Minors; Notes: Oh wow, he directed and wrote the very early Pauly Shore film The Curse of the Inferno. How wild. Played like 10 times on television too improbably.)

Writers – David S. Ward – ( Known For: The Sting; Sleepless in Seattle; Major League; The Program; The Milagro Beanfield War; Cannery Row; I’ll Find You; Steelyard Blues; Saving Grace; Future BMT: Flyboys; King Ralph; The Sting II; BMT: Major League II; Major League: Back to the Minors; Notes: This would just be for the characters I imagine from the originals. The Program is a wild film which I will be watching soon. Remember all the controversy surrounding that? Read about it.)

John Warren – ( Known For: Naked in New York; Flashfire; Girl in the Cadillac; BMT: Major League: Back to the Minors; Notes: Flashfire starring Billy Zane with Harry. I genuinely kind of watch to watch it, it is probably terrible enough to be a friend.)

Actors – Scott Bakula – ( Known For: American Beauty; Source Code; The Informant!; Life as a House; Behind the Candelabra; Lord of Illusions; Cats Don’t Dance; Geography Club; My Family/Mi familia; Elsa & Fred; The Captains; Basmati Blues; Summertime; Me Him Her; Divinity; Enter the Dangerous Mind; A Passion to Kill; Future BMT: Necessary Roughness; Sibling Rivalry; BMT: Color of Night; Major League: Back to the Minors; Notes: Nominated for five Emmys, four times for Quantum Leap, and for Behind the Candelabra. Again, I genuinely kind of want to watch A Passion to Kill, a weirdo obscure 90s thriller.)

Corbin Bernsen – ( Known For: Kiss Kiss Bang Bang; Major League; The Big Year; King Kong; The Hating Game; Lay the Favorite; The Dentist; The Great White Hype; Tales from the Hood; S.O.B.; The Dentist 2; Suing the Devil; Clambake; Disorganized Crime; Dead Air; Left Behind: Rise of the Antichrist; Sunrise in Heaven; Christian Mingle; Three the Hard Way; Roe v. Wade; Future BMT: Shattered; Radioland Murders; Hello Again; BMT: Major League II; Major League: Back to the Minors; Notes: All of his future BMT are lame, but like … The Dentist series will have to be done in some capacity at some point. The Franchise Man demands it.)

Dennis Haysbert – ( Known For: Heat; Wreck-It Ralph; Kung Fu Panda 2; Ted 2; Jarhead; Sin City: A Dame to Kill For; Mr. Peabody & Sherman; Major League; Breach; Absolute Power; Sinbad: Legend of the Seven Seas; Far from Heaven; Chip ‘n Dale: Rescue Rangers; No Exit; Dear White People; Love & Basketball; Secret Obsession; Naked; Kodachrome; Experimenter; Future BMT: The Thirteenth Floor; Men, Women & Children; Think Like a Man Too; Playing with Fire; Mr. Baseball; Summer Camp; BMT: The Dark Tower; Fist Fight; Major League II; Random Hearts; Navy Seals; Major League: Back to the Minors; Notes: I’m surprised he wasn’t nominated even once for 24, the second season would have made a lot of sense. And wow, he was also in Mr. Baseball. So into baseball.)

Budget/Gross – $18 million / Domestic: $3,572,443 (Worldwide: $3,572,443)

(That is hilariously low, but not surprising. I remember renting this from All-Star Video. I suppose as a kid I watched the first two on television, and then this came out and I was like yes yes yes …. No! That’s my reaction when I watch it finally.)

Rotten Tomatoes – 22% (4/18)

(Wow, way higher than the second. Let’s see about a consensus: Dull and unwatchable. An ignominious end to an already dumb series.)

Reviewer Highlight: Yogi, it’s deja vu all over again.

Poster – Majorly Ugh: We’re Back, Jack!

(Honestly better than the second one. I’m not as embarrassed for this poster because they (rightfully) went back to the basics. That font on “Back to the Minors” though is unfortunate. I believe it is meant to convey that this isn’t your daddy’s Major League. C+)

Tagline(s) – They’re Just Nine Players Short of a Dream Team (A)

(Ha! It’s long but I feel like it can only lose the “Just” so I just have to admit defeat. This is a god damn masterpiece. I’m still chuckling about it! A tagline! Beautiful.)

Keyword(s) – 1991-1999

Best Options (franchise): 79.3 Home Alone 3 (1997), 75.5 Look Who’s Talking Now (1993), 72.4 The Next Karate Kid (1994), 68.1 The Crow: City of Angels (1996), 67.2 Turbo: A Power Rangers Movie (1997), 61.2 Beethoven’s 2nd (1993), 60.5 The Mangler (1995), 59.9 Children of the Corn II: The Final Sacrifice (1992), 58.2 Child’s Play 3 (1991), 57.2 3 Ninjas Kick Back (1994), 56.1 Son of the Pink Panther (1993), 52.3 Mighty Morphin Power Rangers (1995), 52.3 Major League: Back to the Minors (1998), …

(Someday we’ll smash out some Mighty Morphin Power Rangers and it will be … well not glorious, but it’ll be something. The first was one of the first films we watched in theaters as a kid. The first was Hook. I fell asleep.)

Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 15) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Dennis Haysbert is No. 3 billed in Major League: Back to the Minors and No. 5 billed in Random Hearts, which also stars Harrison Ford (No. 1 billed) who is in Hollywood Homicide (No. 1 billed) which also stars Josh Hartnett (No. 2 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 3 billed) => (3 + 5) + (1 + 1) + (2 + 3) = 15. If we were to watch Necessary Roughness, and The Glass House we can get the HoE Number down to 14.

Notes – Roger Dorn (Bernsen), Pedro Cerrano (Haysbert), Duke Temple (Yeager) and Harry Doyle (Uecker) are the only characters to appear in all three films in the Major League series.

In Roger Dorn’s Minnesota Twins owner suite, a number 4 Lou Collins jersey hangs in a case, a reference to Timothy Busfield’s character in Little Big League (1994).

Shot in early October in Charleston, South Carolina, 1997, during an unseasonably cool fall. All of the night scenes were made to look as though the games were being played during hot mid-summer nights, when in actuality, temperatures dipped into the 30’s.

The “South Carolina Buzz” were actually the Salt Lake Buzz – which was the Pacific Coast League farm team of the Minnesota Twins. Formerly the Portland Beavers, the franchise moved to Utah in 1994 and had 7 straight winning seasons. In 2001, the team became part of the Anaheim Angels organization under the name Salt Lake Stingers. Both team were named in honor of the Salt Lake Bees, who originally played in SLC on and off from 1915 to 1970. Since 2006, the team is once again called the Salt Lake Bees.

During a Milwaukee Brewers broadcast, Bob Uecker once talked about this film to his partner in the booth and asked him is he’d seen it. When the partner said he hadn’t, Uecker told him “Well don’t. That movie was so bad that it opened in airplanes the week we finished it.”

Borderlands Preview

“Oh, I didn’t really mean you should come over to set right now,” Kevin James says, rubbing his neck. He’s dressed as Barney Rubble opposite Sly Stallone’s Fred Flintstone in what seemed to be a film where Fred and Barney are transported to the present day. “So there aren’t any dinosaurs at all?” Kyle says in wonder, looking at the very normal looking suburban set. “No… it’s a fish-out-of-water story. Guys, really, It’s not a great time,” Kevin James says nervously and looks over at Sly’s trailer where a group of PA’s are knocking furiously at his door. “Aha, Sly is being Sly, I see,” Patrick says, rubbing his hands together. “Classic Sly.” Kevin James tries to distract them with the craft services table, pointing out the many ways in which sandwiches can be constructed. Kyle is more interested in a prop newspaper with the headline ‘Fred Flintstone Elected Mayor: Promises to Solve Town’s Water Treatment Issue,’ and a date of April 22nd, 1998. His head is spinning. Patrick is still distracted by Sly Stallone’s trailer. “You want me to talk to him?” He asks Kevin James, who tries to grab him by the arm. “I’m going to go talk to him,” Patrick says with a smirk and strolls up to the trailer, scattering PA’s in his wake. “Yo! Adrian!” Patrick yells at the trailer door and then turns back to Kevin James. “That’s just something we do. It’s fun,” he says, smirking even harder. “Stop! Or my mom will shoot!” Patrick continues and at that the trailer door slams open, smashing directly into Patrick’s face.

He wakes up in a desert landscape he recognizes. Strange people surround him. “Welcome to The Waste,” they say, but Patrick springs up immediately. “Nah, this is just the borders of my imagination.” That’s right! We are going Live! for the smash bomb of the year in Borderlands. This is the live action adaptation of the video game Borderlands, which I’ve never played and possibly never even seen a clip from. You think that will hinder or help my enjoyment here? Let’s go!

Borderlands (2024) – BMeTric: 68.3; Notability: 54

StreetCreditReport.com – BMeTric: top 0.4%; Notability: top 0.0%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 2.7%; Higher BMeT: Madame Web; Lower RT: Tyler Perry’s Divorce in the Black, The Painter, Wanted Man, Summer Camp, Megamind vs. The Doom Syndicate; Notes: Rare is it that we actually manage to hit at not one but two top BMT films of a year as Live entries. Madame Web and Borderlands were so astonishing they were inevitable and I’m quite glad we watched both in theaters as they were intended.

RogerEbert.com – 1 star – Roth, a director I’ve defended in the horror genre a few times, is remarkably inept at directing action. When the film bursts into gunfire, to call these sequences incoherent would be polite. I’m not sure if cinematographer Rogier Stoffers and/or editors Julian Clarke & Evan Henke deserve some of the blame, but the fight scenes are baffling in their construction. They’re cut in a way that makes it impossible to know the geography of an action scene, or really to care about what happens in them. It may sound picky, but a movie based on an action video game needs at least to provide visceral, escapist entertainment in the guns-and-punches department. There’s not a single memorable action beat in this movie. Not one.

(Yeah, also the film is cut to shit. It is clear that they had a film of film and just had to do something to get it out in a reasonably understandable form. Even if that meant janky voiceover where scenes you can SEE are from later in the film are shown out of order for no real reason. It is insane. It needs to be seen to be believed.)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Icnysn53neU/

(Oh jesus this trailer is so loud. I feel like I’ve seen this trailer a thousand times before. And none of those movies were good. I have no idea what they were thinking with this dumb movie.)

Directors – Eli Roth – ( Known For: Hostel; Grindhouse; Knock Knock; Hostel: Part II; Cabin Fever; Thanksgiving; The House with a Clock in Its Walls; Fin; Future BMT: The Green Inferno; BMT: Death Wish; Borderlands; Notes: Famously his role in Inglorious Basterds was supposed to be taken by Adam Sandler, which would have been pretty cool I think.)

Writers – Eli Roth – ( Known For: Hostel; Grindhouse; Knock Knock; Hostel: Part II; Cabin Fever; The Man with the Iron Fists; Thanksgiving; Aftershock; Cabin Fever; Future BMT: The Green Inferno; BMT: Borderlands; Notes: That is kind of amazing. Something tells me we aren’t getting to Green Inferno anytime soon. Honestly, Roth isn’t really my style in general.)

Joe Crombie – ( Notes: He genuinely seems to have a writing credit. He’s mostly credited as an editor.)

Actors – Cate Blanchett – ( Known For: The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring; The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King; The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers; The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey; Thor: Ragnarok; The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug; The Curious Case of Benjamin Button; Don’t Look Up; The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies; Hot Fuzz; Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull; The Aviator; Eyes Wide Shut; How to Train Your Dragon 2; Babel; Robin Hood; The Talented Mr. Ripley; Ocean’s Eight; Blue Jasmine; The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou; Future BMT: The Monuments Men; Elizabeth: The Golden Age; BMT: Borderlands; Notes: I do love looking deep into someone’s filmography and seeing those weirdo films people must have forgotten about (right?). Pushing Tin? Cate Blanchett was in Pushing Tin?)

Kevin Hart – ( Known For: The 40-Year-Old Virgin; Jumanji: Welcome to the Jungle; This Is the End; Jumanji: The Next Level; Fast & Furious Presents: Hobbs & Shaw; The Secret Life of Pets; Central Intelligence; The Five-Year Engagement; DC League of Super-Pets; The Secret Life of Pets 2; The Upside; The Man from Toronto; Death at a Funeral; Think Like a Man; Lift; Fatherhood; Me Time; Captain Underpants: The First Epic Movie; Top Five; About Last Night; Future BMT: Scary Movie 3; Get Hard; Along Came Polly; Scary Movie 4; Little Fockers; Superhero Movie; Drillbit Taylor; Night School; Meet Dave; Soul Plane; Think Like a Man Too; In the Mix; Not Easily Broken; Back on the Strip; BMT: Ride Along; Epic Movie; Fool’s Gold; The Wedding Ringer; Ride Along 2; Grudge Match; Borderlands; Notes: What do you think the chances are that any of the following upcoming projects actually happen: Monopoly, Ride Along 3, The Great Outdoors, Planes, Trains & Automobiles. I guess I could see Ride Along 3 (finally!), but the other ones feel unlikely.)

Edgar Ramírez – ( Known For: The Bourne Ultimatum; Zero Dark Thirty; Jungle Cruise; Bright; The Girl on the Train; Joy; Gold; Yes Day; Hands of Stone; The Last Days of American Crime; Wasp Network; Resistance; The Liberator; Furlough; Emilia Pérez; The Quietude; Saluda al diablo de mi parte; An Open Heart; A Dot and a Line; Cyrano Fernández; Future BMT: Vantage Point; The Counselor; Deliver Us from Evil; Domino; The 355; BMT: Wrath of the Titans; Point Break; Borderlands; Notes: From Venezuela. Who could forget his role in Point Break! Such a memorable role indeed.)

Budget/Gross – $110–120 million / Domestic: $15,460,525 (Worldwide: $30,951,794)

(Mein gott! But yeah, they filmed this film at least twice and there is abundant CGI, so obviously a $100 million film was inevitable. But you’d think if WB was onto something they would have eaten it to get tax breaks or something instead of releasing it at all.)

Rotten Tomatoes – 10% (15/154): Glitching out in every department, Borderlands is balderdash.

(Woooooooo, sub-10% films are so rare, i sure do hope it stays that low. And yep, although consensus which boils down to: this is incoherent nonsense.)

Reviewer Highlight: Like the original first-person shooter game, “Borderlands” is set on a junkyard planet named Pandora that was once a home base for an advanced alien species, but has since been overrun by violent marauders and women with formidable push-up bras. – Amy Nicholson, New York Times

Poster – Moreboredlands

(There is too much going on here and the font is terrible, but I kind of dig how weird the color of the title is.That neon yellow like color is very unusual. C-)

Tagline(s) – Chaos loves company. (B+)

(This is a classic BMT tagline. It’s following my rules very closely. Playing on a common phrase, short, and something to do with the film… ish. I actually like it. Just a little generic.)

Keyword(s) – 2024-2024

Top 10: Dune: Part Two (2024), Deadpool & Wolverine (2024), Furiosa: A Mad Max Saga (2024), Civil War (2024), Road House (2024), The Fall Guy (2024), The Beekeeper (2024), Inside Out 2 (2024), Kingdom of the Planet of the Apes (2024), Godzilla x Kong: The New Empire (2024)

Future BMT: 68.4 The American Society of Magical Negroes (2024), 65.9 Night Swim (2024), 64.2 The Strangers: Chapter 1 (2024), 62.9 Tarot (2024), 59.0 Imaginary (2024), 57.9 The Exorcism (2024), 48.0 The Crow (2024), 35.4 The Garfield Movie (2024), 19.8 Back to Black (2024), 16.0 Harold and the Purple Crayon (2024)

BMT: Madame Web (2024), Borderlands (2024), Argylle (2024), The Watchers (2024)

Best Options (wiki-video game): 65.7 Borderlands (2024)

(Video game films are fun. We actually basically have three left (Uncharted, Prince of Persia, and Street Fighter), a few Uwe Boll films (BloodRayne and House of the Dead), and the entire Resident Evil series. Then we are basically done. Throw in Ratchet & Clank because it features the dulcet tones of one Sylvester Stallone and we got a stew cooking.)

Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 16) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Kevin Hart is No. 2 billed in Borderlands and No. 5 billed in Grudge Match, which also stars Robert De Niro (No. 1 billed) who is in Righteous Kill (No. 1 billed) which also stars Al Pacino (No. 2 billed) who is in 88 Minutes (No. 1 billed) which also stars Leelee Sobieski (No. 3 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 1 billed) => (2 + 5) + (1 + 1) + (2 + 1) + (3 + 1) = 16. If we were to watch Elizabeth: The Golden Age we can get the HoE Number down to 12.

Notes – The movie was shot in the summer of 2021 and Eli Roth’s first director’s cut was reportedly finished in early 2022. However, it was shelved for over two years due to extreme studio interference while the film was in post-production. Appalled by the film’s extreme violence, the studio wanted the film to be marketed as a blockbuster and hired Tim Miller to do extensive reshoots on the project. These reshoots ended up comprising so much of the final movie that Steve Jablonsky had to write an entirely new musical score, as the original score by Nathan Barr no longer fit the film.

Eli Roth originally shot the movie with a planned hard R-rating, keeping in vein with the original game’s M-rating for mature audiences. However, last-minute rewrites, heavy edits, and reshoots from Tim Miller dialed the film back to a PG-13. This is only Roth’s second film to receive a rating other than R, after The House with a Clock in Its Walls (2018), which was PG.

Lilith’s main gun is called “Vladof Infinity” by Marcus, and in the video game, it is a legendary pistol with infinite ammo, which explains why she never runs out and never need to reload it.

Upon its release, the film debuted at an incredibly rare 0% on Rotten Tomatoes.

Tim Miller directed the re-shoots in Eli Roth’s place as Roth was preoccupied with Thanksgiving (2023), which also stars Gina Gershon.

The Flintstones in Viva Rock Vegas Preview

“Sorry, I didn’t mean indecent. I meant impossible,” the theater owner says, correcting himself. “It’s just that I can’t possibly afford a showing of Cobra at my theater.” Patrick thinks for a moment, contemplating how long it might take to boost the profile of this small theater using the Bad Movie Twins bodacious brand. He looks back through the window of the restaurant where Jamie and Samantha are eating and observes that the make out session has progressed from ‘proper necking’ to ‘hot and heavy.’ He slams his fist into the table. “There just isn’t time,” he rasps through gritted teeth. “Maybe if you ask Sylvester Stallone nicely he’ll do you a solid,” Kyle suggests. Patrick scoffs. Sure he was a social acquaintance of Sly, but one didn’t just ask Sly politely for anything. “Or maybe a friend of a friend,” he adds. Patrick is about to double scoff directly in Kyle’s face, but suddenly has a thought. Unless it was one of the many very realistic daydreams he and Jamie have had recently, he’s pretty sure Kevin James was now one of their best friends. He checks his phone and he finds that KJ is indeed in his contacts (and not headless as a result of a well placed Twin Kick). Hooray! He speed dials the number and gets the man himself on the horn. After briefly confirming that they never kicked him in the head, he asks after Sly. KJ laughs, “That old dog? Did you know that he didn’t even have to show up to the set of Zookeeper but he insisted on wearing the Lion costume every day.” Patrick laughs. Classic Sly. “We’re actually doing a new film together. Why don’t you swing by the set sometime? You can check out Bedrock for yourself.” That’s right! We are finally doing it. The double dose of Flintstones action that is The Flintstones and The Flintstones in Viva Rock Vegas. There isn’t much more to say (other than yabba-dabba-do, I guess). Let’s go!

The Flintstones in Viva Rock Vegas (2000) – BMeTric: 82.0; Notability: 96

StreetCreditReport.com – BMeTric: top 1.2%; Notability: top 0.0%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 23.2%; Higher BMeT: Battlefield Earth, Dungeons & Dragons, Book of Shadows: Blair Witch 2; Lower RT: Fortress 2: Re-Entry, 3 Strikes, My 5 Wives, The in Crowd, Battlefield Earth, Down to You, Bless the Child, Lost Souls, Heavy Metal 2000, Dungeons & Dragons, Circus, The Skulls, I Dreamed of Africa, Ed Gein, Screwed, Urban Legends: Final Cut, The Watcher, Supernova, Boys and Girls, The Ladies Man, and 37 more; Notes: For BMeTric it is 8/10 watched and 14/20 which is quite good I think. The 10-20 films are weird though. Loser, Hanging Up, Lost Souls, The Next Best Thing? I literally cannot believe that Notability either … for The Flintstones sequel!

RogerEbert.com – 0.5 Stars – “The Flintstones in Viva Rock Vegas” has dinosaurs that lumber along crushing everything in their path. The movie’s screenplay works sort of the same way. Think of every possible pun involving stones, rocks and prehistoric times, and link them to a pea-brained story that creaks and groans on its laborious march through unspeakably obvious, labored and idiotic humor.

(Really close to the very rare 0 star film from Roger Ebert (which is a straight thumbs down). And yeah, compared to the first this one is ultra dumb and the first was effectively Shakespeare.)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Eu3zeVVu3ME/

(Oh wow, and then this one looks like absolute garbage. Fred and Barney are just the worse immediately. Only Betty is any good. Oh man, Gazoo looks horrifying.)

Directors – Brian Levant – ( Known For: Max 2: White House Hero; Future BMT: Beethoven; The Spy Next Door; Snow Dogs; BMT: Jingle All the Way; The Flintstones; Are We There Yet?; The Flintstones in Viva Rock Vegas; Problem Child 2; Notes: I’m a little bowled over they got the same director back. Snow Dogs … that will be an 00s crown jewel once we get around to it.)

Writers – William Hanna and Joseph Barbera – ( Known For: The Man Called Flintstone; Hey There, It’s Yogi Bear; Tom and Jerry: Cowboy Up!; Tom and Jerry: Snowman’s Land; Future BMT: Tom and Jerry: The Movie; BMT: Tom & Jerry; The Flintstones in Viva Rock Vegas; Notes: They made all of the cartoons obviously back in the day. Amazingly, only one of their films played on television in the 90s at all since they didn’t get a credit on the first film. It was Tom & Jerry: The Movie which played exactly once, in 1996. I’m not sure I totally buy it, it maybe was just called Tom & Jerry places, but still a fun fact.)

Deborah Kaplan and Harry Elfont – ( Known For: Can’t Hardly Wait; Josie and the Pussycats; A Very Brady Sequel; Future BMT: Leap Year; Surviving Christmas; BMT: Made of Honor; The Flintstones in Viva Rock Vegas; Notes: Oooo Can’t Hardly Wait. Honestly … not a super great movie, but only because there is a huge bit in the middle where he leaves the party and it really deflates things. Watched it on Criterion. Wild stuff.)

Jim Cash and Jack Epps Jr. – ( Known For: Top Gun: Maverick; Top Gun; Turner & Hooch; Dick Tracy; The Secret of My Success; Legal Eagles; BMT: Anaconda; Anacondas: The Hunt for the Blood Orchid; The Flintstones in Viva Rock Vegas; Notes: All of their 80s/90s films played a ton on tv. Cash died in 2000 and Epps seemed to maybe retire afterwards. Their Anacondas 2 credit is for characters only.)

Actors – Mark Addy – ( Known For: Robin Hood; A Knight’s Tale; The Full Monty; Mary Poppins Returns; Downton Abbey; Barney’s Version; The Lost King; It’s a Wonderful Afterlife; Heartlands; Lies We Tell; The Runaways; Future BMT: The Time Machine; Jack Frost; Down to Earth; The Order; BMT: Around the World in 80 Days; The Flintstones in Viva Rock Vegas; Notes: Remember when The Full Monty was just absolutely the hugest thing in the world … I guess it is again since they are doing some weird American TV special for whatever reason.)

Stephen Baldwin – ( Known For: The Usual Suspects; Born on the Fourth of July; Casualties of War; The Beast of War; Last Exit to Brooklyn; A Simple Twist of Fate; Mrs. Parker and the Vicious Circle; Sky Kids; The Sex Monster; Homeboy; Xchange; Mercy; Magi; Shark in Venice; Fall Time; The Genius Club; I’m in Love with a Church Girl; Back to the Jurassic; Friends & Lovers; Six: The Mark Unleashed; Future BMT: Half Baked; Fred Claus; Threesome; Fled; 8 Seconds; Posse; BMT: Bio-Dome; The Flintstones in Viva Rock Vegas; Notes: Alec apparently told him that going Bio-Dome would ruin his career. It really did. Went from Usual Suspects to Bio-Dome to … well, this I suppose.)

Kristen Johnston – ( Known For: Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me; Austin Powers in Goldmember; Music and Lyrics; Swiped; Vamps; Strangers with Candy; Life Happens; The Wedding Year; Lovesick; Finding Bliss; Hurricane Bianca: From Russia with Hate; For the Love of George; Bad Parents; Small Town Wisconsin; Colin Fitz Lives!; Thrill Ride; BMT: Bride Wars; The Flintstones in Viva Rock Vegas; Notes: Obviously huge on 3rd Rock From the Sun. She was Ivana Humpalot in the Austin Powers films. I didn’t recognize her with black hair, I was wracking my brain trying to figure out who she played.)

Budget/Gross – $83,000,000 / Domestic: $35,268,275 (Worldwide: $59,468,275)

(Oooooof. The budget was kind of unavoidable. You have to make giant sets and costumes and pay for the rights and everything. And then this just tanked. And they have never thought of a live-action version again. You think they’ll ever do The Jetsons.)

Rotten Tomatoes – 25% (18/72): The prequel to the first full-length feature set in Bedrock, Viva Rock Vegas is a surprising improvement over The Flintstones. Aimed towards an audience of adults and children alike, critics feel Viva will appeal to a broad range of viewers.

(WHAT. A surprising improvement? AND IMPROVEMENT?! Ludicrous. You having a laugh?)

Reviewer Highlight: It’s not delightful or funny or exciting, and for long stretches, it looks exactly like hapless actors standing in front of big rocks and reciting sitcom dialogue. – Roger Ebert, Chicago Sun-Times

Poster – The Flintsklogs in Viva Sklog Vegas

(Remember when I said I was a sucker for a drawn poster? This isn’t exactly what I meant. Still. It could be way worse than this if they had went for photos of the actors and the font is still good. The car, though… it’s tough. C+)

Tagline(s) – Get ready to rock! (D+)

(No. To generic. Too lame. Not into it.)

Keyword(s) – 1991-1999

Future BMT: 86.8 Street Fighter (1994), 82.9 Inspector Gadget (1999), 79.3 Home Alone 3 (1997), 75.4 Look Who’s Talking Now (1993), 74.9 Junior (1994), 72.3 The Next Karate Kid (1994), 71.9 Mr. Magoo (1997), 67.9 The Crow: City of Angels (1996), 67.1 Turbo: A Power Rangers Movie (1997), 67.0 Mr. Nanny (1993), 63.5 Showgirls (1995), 61.7 Pet Sematary II (1992), 61.5 Cop & ½ (1993), 61.1 Beethoven’s 2nd (1993), 60.4 The Mangler (1995), 60.1 Spawn (1997), 59.7 Children of the Corn II: The Final Sacrifice (1992), 59.5 Jury Duty (1995), 58.1 Child’s Play 3 (1991), 57.9 Holy Man (1998)

BMT: Batman & Robin (1997), Mortal Kombat: Annihilation (1997), Speed 2: Cruise Control (1997), The Avengers (1998), Baby Geniuses (1999), Spice World (1997), Barb Wire (1996), Kazaam (1996), Super Mario Bros. (1993), RoboCop 3 (1993), Highlander II: The Quickening (1991), Jason Goes to Hell (1993), Universal Soldier: The Return (1999), Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot (1992), Steel (1997), Bio-Dome (1996), Striptease (1996), Species II (1998), Freddy’s Dead: The Final Nightmare (1991), The Island of Dr. Moreau (1996), I Still Know What You Did Last Summer (1998), Wild Wild West (1999), Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers (1995), Double Dragon (1994), Anaconda (1997), It’s Pat: The Movie (1994), Cool as Ice (1991), Lawnmower Man 2: Beyond Cyberspace (1995), Wing Commander (1999), Highlander: The Final Dimension (1994), On Deadly Ground (1994), Vampire in Brooklyn (1995), Dudley Do-Right (1999), Double Team (1997), Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III (1993), Ed (1996), The Flintstones (1994), The Haunting (1999), Leprechaun (1993), Bats (1999), Fair Game (1995), Cool World (1992), Body of Evidence (1993), Problem Child 2 (1991), Chairman of the Board (1997), The Rage: Carrie 2 (1999), The Mod Squad (1999), Lost in Space (1998), Sliver (1993), Toys (1992), Weekend at Bernie’s II (1993), …

Best Options (Gothika): 67.1 The Flintstones (1994), 55.0 Eye of the Beholder (1999), 46.8 B*A*P*S (1997), 41.9 Black & White (1999), 41.0 Feeling Minnesota (1996), 39.9 In Dreams (1999), 37.0 Girl 6 (1996), 35.2 The Fan (1996), 34.7 Father Hood (1993), 30.3 The Distinguished Gentleman (1992), 28.5 The Rich Man’s Wife (1996), 26.7 The Pagemaster (1994), 26.4 Race the Sun (1996), 24.9 A Low Down Dirty Shame (1994), 22.9 Nick of Time (1995), 21.9 Screamers (1995), 20.2 Strictly Business (1991), 16.6 U.S. Marshals (1998), 14.7 The Bone Collector (1999)

(We watched this as a BONUS because we were going through Halle Berry. I’ve actually already seen the Bone Collector. It is incredibly silly … and I kind of want to read the books. I’m sure they are equally ludicrous.)

Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 20) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Alan Cumming is No. 7 billed in The Flintstones in Viva Rock Vegas and No. 4 billed in Get Carter, which also stars Sylvester Stallone (No. 1 billed) who is in The Expendables 4 (No. 2 billed) which also stars Jason Statham (No. 1 billed) who is in In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale (No. 1 billed) which also stars Leelee Sobieski (No. 3 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 1 billed) => (7 + 4) + (1 + 2) + (1 + 1) + (3 + 1) = 20. If we were to watch The Sin Eater, and 40 Days and 40 Nights we can get the HoE Number down to 13.

Notes – Although he died eleven years prior to this movie’s release, Mel Blanc received credit for the voice of Baby Dino. The voice was re-used from The Flintstones (1960).

Harvey Korman (Colonel Slaghoople) was the original voice of The Great Gazoo on The Flintstones (1960).

The creators of the original animated series, William Hanna and Joseph Barbera, can be seen briefly during the wedding scene at the end of this movie. There’s one quick shot of the two of them together singing along to the Flintstones theme song.

The producers opted for the prequel approach in this second movie mainly due to John Goodman’s refusal to reprise his role as Fred Flintstone.

On the shelf in Betty O’Shale’s (Jane Krakowski’s) kitchen is a box of Post Fruity Pebbles, a real-life breakfast cereal derived from the original animated series.

Awards – Nominee for the Razzie Award for Worst Picture

Nominee for the Razzie Award for Worst Supporting Actor (Stephen Baldwin)

Nominee for the Razzie Award for Worst Supporting Actress (Joan Collins)

Nominee for the Razzie Award for Worst Remake or Sequel