bmt 2021 – Page 11 – Bad Movie Twins

Problem Child Recap

Jamie

Junior is a child and also is a problem. As a result he keeps getting returned to the orphanage. That is until Ben and Flo Healy show up looking to enter the exclusive parental club. While Junior wreaks havoc across the land, driving everyone around him crazy, Ben keep on killing him with love and kindness. Can Ben help Junior feel loved and change his ways before it’s too late? Find out in… Problem Child.

How?! Junior spent his childhood shuttled from home to home until ending up in an orphanage where his troublesome ways continued. The nuns have been driven insane and just when it seems like Junior will be all alone forever, in walks Ben Healy and his wife Flo. They are a couple desperate for a child, Ben so he can be the perfect all-American dad, Flo so that they can start getting invited to the exclusive parties, dinners, and trips that other families partake in. Junior seems like a quick and easy fix to all of their problems, right? Wrong. Junior continues his terrible ways as he ruins camping trips, birthday parties, burns down his room, injures his grandpa, etc. etc. etc. It all comes to a head when Junior injures a multitude of children during a baseball game and our boy Ben realizes that maybe, just maybe, Junior is bad news. When they confront the manager of the orphanage they are appalled to find that Junior has been returned over and over from other families. Unlike Flo, though, Ben is more appalled at himself. How could he, all-American dad, be unable to give the love necessary to help Junior? But when he goes out to tell Junior that they won’t be taking him back, Junior doesn’t believe them and drives away in the family car, destroying his grandpa’s business in the process. Suffering a mental breakdown, Ben doesn’t realize that things have gone from bad to far far worse when a serial killer that Junior has been corresponding with shows up at the front door. Thinking he’s Junior’s uncle, Flo woos him as a way to try to take Junior (or maybe just her) away with him. Waking up to find Junior and Flo gone and a ransom note scrawled on the wall Ben snaps out of it just in time to race to the circus (for real) and attempt to pay the ransom and get Junior back. The serial killer attempts to escape, but not so fast! Ben and Junior super team chase down the serial killer and stop him just in time. Now best buds, the father and son super team head off into the sunset together. THE END.

Why?! Probably the sweetest thing about the film is Ben Healy and just how desperately he wants to be the bestest dad in the world ever. The implication is that his own father is cold and distant (despite selling sporting equipment geared to the father-son experience) and Ben is determined that his own son will never lack for love. This unerring love for his son ultimately wins out and saves Junior. Probably we could drill pretty deep into the root of Junior’s behavioral issues. Despite the implication at the beginning of the film that he is evil from the get go, we get the sense that a lot of his behavior is more about the feeling that he is unlovable.

Who?! Dennis Dugan has a long history of BMT films. Not surprising as he’s one of Adam Sandler’s favorites. This was his feature directing debut and as a result the first of many cameos he made in films he’s directed. I think we’ve done about eight of his films and I believe he made cameos in all of them. Impressive.

What?! Smiley Pies obviously has a very, very prominent product placement (in my memories at least). Patrick points out Pepsi as the actual most prominent product placement, but for me the product that stands the test of time is Penn tennis balls as there is a scene where a car crashes into a giant display case of tennis balls and it’s burned there forever… actually every moment of this film is indelibly burned into my memory.

Where?! Very clearly takes place in Illinois in a town called Cold River, which is obviously made up. Impressive number of signs and posters for the location given that it’s not real. Not in the least bit relevant to the plot, but it is prominent. B+.

When?! Patrick pointed out to me that this could be one of the few Fake Holiday Film Alerts we’ll come across. The baseball scene occurs during Founder’s Day in Cold River, which being a fake place must mean it’s a fake holiday. Which is bizarre in a great way. Really there are a large number of dates thrown around in the film via newspaper, but the most solid seems to be from the poster advertising the Circus which would place the film at the end of June or beginning of July, which tracks with the camping trip, baseball, etc. B+

Problem Child is everything I remember it is. It is just nonstop one liners and gags by a small child. It makes me wonder if I maybe underrate Dennis Dugan as a director given how much I loathe some of his films (looking at you Grown Ups(es)). The fact is that he took a kid that basically never acted before and spun some really entertaining gold. He obviously was helped by a very game John Ritter who is actually amazing in this film. He’s just so goddamn likeable that you basically ignore a pretty problematic concept (but weren’t they all back in the day). I have to acknowledge that the film’s basic plot is dark in a pretty gross way. The opening scene is shocking as we see Junior shuttled from home to home before being unceremoniously dropped at an orphanage. And throughout the film there is a stigmatization of adoption that is unacceptable by today’s standards. But all this doesn’t change that it basically lived up to my memories. It is quite entertaining and the sheer number of memorable quotes is impressive. I think the first Problem Child is actually… not that bad. Patrick?

Patrick

‘Ello everyone! Smiley Pies!? I haven’t had one of these in FIF-teen years! Let’s go!

P’s View on the Preview – I think I could have written the preview from memory, I’ve seen the film so many times. I looked up the kid actor who played Junior and really not very involved in acting after the films themselves. He is a great actor though given the part, but I’ll get to that later. What were my expectations? A blast from the past. I’m not joking when I say I’ve seen the film at least a dozen times. Which is kind of weird, as this simultaneously feels like a kids’ film which has become completely forgotten at this point.

The Good – The actor who plays Junior is really good considering the part was written for Macauley Culkin. He does a decent facsimile of the wiser-than-his-years mischief for a not-very-well-known child actor. The acting top-to-bottom is actually really good. And the surreal nature of the whole film is also just … it makes it really unique. I can’t quite put my finger on it, but as mean-spirited and weird as the film can get, there is an undeniably interesting point-of-view to it all. A comedic Bad Seed, as the screenwriters say, which I would say they nailed. Best Bit: Junior and John Ritter.

The Bad – Now, I say a comedic Bad Seed is interesting, but that doesn’t necessarily make it good. It is a very weird film, and almost definitely not a kids’ film … and yet it operated under the guise of a kids’ film. Which makes it unsurprising that critics thought it was abhorrent and that everyone involved thought it would bomb. The film isn’t really funny in any capacity, and Junior’s behavior at times is, indeed, abhorrent and unpleasant to watch. Fatal Flaw: Pushes things too far.

The BMT – On one hand I would say that they could have easily edited and reigned by Junior’s behavior and created a more tolerable mainstream hit I think. But then, Problem Child wouldn’t be the bizarre boundaries-pushing masterpiece that it is. I would argue though that this first one is actually really good, as long as you buy into the surreal weirdness of the cartoon world the screenwriters create. Did it meet my expectations? Yes, it is always odd to watch a film I watched constantly as a kid in BMT. I was pleasantly surprised with this one and I very much enjoyed watching it again.

Roast-radamus – A solid Product Placement (What?) for Pepsi throughout the film, not least of which prominently displayed during the baseball game (which, despite taking place on Founder’s Day, is not a secret holiday, more like a fake holiday). A really really good Setting as a Character (Where?) for Cold Water, Illinois. This film is really really Illinois which is excellent, but then also there is a giant statue of the founder Carl Coldwater outside of the adoption agency which is awesome. This is somehow closest to Good, don’t argue it just it, sue me I like the film.

Sequel, Prequel, Remake – Seeing as there are already multiple sequels and a television cartoon there is only one way to go, backwards! The Prequel goes full period piece, it is the late 50s, and Big and Little Ben are amoral travelling salesmen who will do whatever to earn a buck. The story centers around the arrival of the Healy’s in Cold Water. Big Ben places Little Ben in the local orphanage and gets him adopted out to a rich childless family where he begins to terrorize the neighborhood. Meanwhile, Big Ben reenters town pretending to be a local returning from war to find his young wife dead and only son adopted. The plan is for Little Ben to terrorize the couple into un-adopting him, and then Big Ben would exploit the shame and humiliation to blackmail them. In the end Little Ben realizes that they (gasp!) love him, and no matter what he does they will always love him! He runs away to the local circus where a friendly clown tells him that all families are different and he shouldn’t hate his father for their life of crime, that the best he can do is grow up, have a son, and love him as much as he can. Little Ben returns to town where Big Ben promptly turns him over to the rich couple for the reward money they’ve offered for his safe return. They are touched by the young family, unadopt Little Ben, and let Big Ben keep the money. He uses it to start his sports store and they settle down to a normal life. The End. Cold Water Grifters: A Problem Child Story.

You Just Got Schooled – Now what are the chances Problem Child had some weird cartoon series … 100% it turns out! I watched the first episode of Problem Child, the early 90s cartoon series. The episode is called Toys Will Be Toys. This cartoon is, first of all, terrible. But even besides that it has nothing to do with the movie it claims to be an adaptation of. Junior doesn’t seem to be an orphan, his father has the same red hair as him. Junior has a weird mutant possum pet, and a best friend who’s a girl not-named Trixie. His grandfather is the mayor, which very specifically didn’t happen in the films. And his father is a cop. Oddly the writers of the films did make the show, although I think it was drawn by a Spanish company which maybe explains it getting a bit lost in translation. The episode itself is pretty silly, Junior wants a toy bazooka, and scrimps and saves to buy the toy, only for it to turn out to all be elaborate false advertising. The episode ends with Junior getting revenge on the toy company president. D. Actually, maybe the worst adapted cartoon series I’ve seen. The Back to the Future show is way way better.

Cheerios,

The Sklogs

Problem Child 2 Quiz

Man, so the last thing I remember I was on a carnival ride when it started going super fast, I vomited everywhere, then I bopped my head, sustained a massive concussion and don’t remember anything after that. Do you remember what happened in Problem Child 2?

Pop Quiz Hot Shot!

1) Why is Junior skipped three grades to the sixth grade?

2) How does Junior stop Ben’s first date? And what about his second? And the third?

3) Where did the Mortville love rock come from?

4) At one point in the movie Big Ben’s dog Nippy goes into a weird coma. What caused the coma, and what snaps him out of it?

5) What causes Ben to call off the wedding?

Bonus Question: How long did Lawanda and Big Ben’s marriage last?

Answers

Problem Child Quiz

Man, the last thing I remember I was dipping and dodging from a car slamming into Big Ben’s Sports store. I sustained a pretty bad concussion though. Do you remember what happened in Problem Child?

Pop Quiz Hot Shot!

1) How does Junior end up getting acquainted with the Bow Tie Killer?

2) Why isn’t Little Ben’s father Big Ben handing the company over to Ben and who is he selling to instead?

3) How does the Bow Tie Killer escape prison?

4) What convinces Ben to return Junior to the orphanage … and then what convinces him that that is a terrible idea?

5) How much does the Bow Tie Killer want as ransom for Junior and Flo?

Bonus Question: What ever happened to Flo?

Answers

Problem Child 2 Preview

“That’s a wrap,” Patrick calls in exasperation. Another day, another unscripted fist fight between Chris Klein and Angel. With CK now playing both Rich and Poe in this entry of the film, it’s becoming increasingly difficult to keep track of who is even fighting Angel and whether they are dealing with a love triangle or love square. It all won’t matter anyway if this continues as CK is getting perilously close to leaving the film and their production deal was predicated on their star’s return to the series. “Dastardly cyborgs,” Jamie says, pounding the desk in their trailer. They’ve tried every which way to get rid of Angel, but his contract is iron clad. Besides, despite not being able to act a lick his test audience scores are through the roof. “So Angel has to appear in at least 90% of the film, right?” Jamie nods along as Patrick thumbs through Angel’s contract trying to find a loophole in the wording, “and we’re not allowed to recast,” Jamie nods again, wincing at their predicament, “but they don’t say anything about additional casting, right?” Jamie looks confused, but there is a twinkle in Patrick’s eye. The next day a chorus of boos rain down on Angel as he makes out with Leighton Vanderschmidt. He looks uncomfortable as he eyes the latest addition to the cast, Rich and Poe Jrs., the previously undisclosed twin children of Rich and Leighton Vanderschmidt’s character. Soon Angel has agreed to rewrite his part and remove the love triangle. CK is satisfied and so are Jamie and Patrick, but Adam Banks looks wary on his latest visit to set. A fart-gag laden scene is being shot and the production has taken on a distinct PG-rated vibe “Aren’t these children going to be a bit of a… problem?” That’s right, we’re taking on a couple of problem children in Problem Child 1 + 2. The first film was a staple and is probably one of the most quoted films of our childhood. The second film… was not. Let’s see if either of them hold up in any capacity. Let’s go!

Problem Child 2 (1991) – BMeTric: 60.5; Notability: 26

StreetCreditReport.com – BMeTric: top 0.8%; Notability: top 54.0%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 1.4% Higher BMeT: Cool as Ice, Freddy’s Dead: The Final Nightmare; Higher Notability: Hook, Hudson Hawk, Mobsters, Switch, Flight of the Intruder, Rock-A-Doodle, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze, Life Stinks, Out for Justice, Necessary Roughness, The Marrying Man, The Five Heartbeats, Billy Bathgate, Driving Me Crazy, He Said, She Said, Oscar, Teen Agent, King Ralph, Freddy’s Dead: The Final Nightmare, Married to It, and 33 more; Lower RT: Cool as Ice, Mobsters; Notes: There we go, sub-5.0 is much more what I expected for these films. The 60+ BMeTric is beautiful, but somehow it got better critical reviews than the first film … who knows. Mobsters is an interesting film I don’t recall ever hearing about but it seems like we should watch.

Leonard Maltin – 1.5 stars – The sequel no one asked for has Ritter adopting a second demon-child, ths one female and hell-bent on giving her stepbrother a run for his money. Any parent who lets and impressionable child watch this stuff ought to have his or her head examined! Followed by a 1995 TVM sequel.

(Uh … that isn’t the plot of the film? Trixie is the daughter of Ritter’s love interest and Junior and her have a prank war for completely unrelated reasons. Is this a true blue instance of Maltin not watching the film? Or maybe he just wrote it long after. It feels like something you’d gleen from only watching the trailer or something.)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qmvf4Jr0AEg/

(Nope, the trailer seems fairly clear that Trixie is probably just Junior’s rival, not his step-sister (yet). How in the world did Maltin get it so wrong I wonder? Anyways, this trailer is terrible and I’m so very excited to watch this film again.)

Directors – Brian Levant – (Known For: Max 2: White House Hero; Future BMT: The Flintstones in Viva Rock Vegas; The Flintstones; Snow Dogs; The Spy Next Door; Beethoven; BMT: Are We There Yet?; Problem Child 2; Jingle All The Way; Razzie Notes: Winner for Worst Screenplay for The Flintstones in 1995; and Nominee for Worst Director for Jingle All the Way in 1997; Notes: He is writing and directing and producing the new Police Academy film apparently. Directed a bunch of The New Leave it to Beaver series in the 80s.)

Writers – Scott Alexander and Larry Karaszewski (characters & written by) – (Known For: Man on the Moon; 1408; Ed Wood; Big Eyes; Goosebumps; Dolemite Is My Name; The People vs. Larry Flynt; Future BMT: Agent Cody Banks; Problem Child; That Darn Cat; Screwed; BMT: Problem Child 2; Notes: Apparently they didn’t want to write the film, but were offered a ton of money to do it because the studio wanted a sequel completed a year after the release of the first film.)

Actors – John Ritter – (Known For: Sling Blade; Bride of Chucky; Bad Santa; Nowhere; Real Men; Stay Tuned; Noises Off…; They All Laughed; The Other; Tadpole; Nickelodeon; Hero at Large; Panic; Clifford’s Really Big Movie; Americathon; Montana; I Woke Up Early the Day I Died; The Prisoner of Second Avenue; Hacks; Shadow of Doubt; Future BMT: Problem Child; Wholly Moses!; Skin Deep; BMT: North; Problem Child 2; Notes: Ended up married Amy Yasbeck who played his character’s love interest in both films (as two different characters).)

Michael Oliver – (Future BMT: Problem Child; BMT: Problem Child 2; Notes: Seems to work in music now. This is likely due to his half-siblings or maybe his step-father who seem to be involved in music.)

Jack Warden – (Known For: 12 Angry Men; Heaven Can Wait; The Great Muppet Caper; Sunset Blvd.; All the President’s Men; Shampoo; While You Were Sleeping; The Replacements; Death on the Nile; From Here to Eternity; Being There; The Champ; The Bachelor Party; The Verdict; Donovan’s Reef; Mighty Aphrodite; …and justice for all.; Used Cars; Beyond the Poseidon Adventure; Bulworth; Future BMT: Problem Child; Guilty as Sin; Dirty Work; A Dog of Flanders; BMT: Ed; Problem Child 2; Chairman of the Board; Toys; Notes: Was married to Wanda Ottoni although they apparently separated in the 70s but never got divorced, and thus were legally married for nearly 50 years at the time of his death.)

Budget/Gross – $11–15 million / Domestic: $25,104,700 (Worldwide: $32,704,700)

(Not bad, but obviously once you cut your box office in half you probably aren’t completing the trilogy (in theaters at least).)

Rotten Tomatoes – 8% (2/26): Crude, rude, puerile, and pointless, Problem Child 2 represents a cynical nadir in family-marketed entertainment.

(It couldn’t possibly be a nadir since the previous film somehow got worse reviews. I’ve seen both of these films a ton in my life, and the second is loads worse so that is insane. Reviewer Highlight: I’m probably getting awfully moralistic, but couldn’t the geniuses who devise entertainment for tots have come up with something a bit more, uh, responsible? – Owen Gleiberman, Entertainment Weekly)

Poster – Sklogin’ Children Too: Mo’ Problemo

(Retread of the first one with Ben in the washer instead of the cat. I thought it was pretty good for the first one, but gotta do something different to keep the score up. C+.)

Tagline(s) – This summer, Junior has a brand new friend. (D)

He’s bad. She’s worse. (B-)

(The first one doesn’t really work without the poster and the second tagline beyond already being too long. So that’s off the table. The second is better. Short and knowing what the first movie is about you get the idea. Not terribly clever though.)

Keyword – slapstick comedy

Top 10: Thor: Ragnarok (2017), The Goonies (1985), Guardians of the Galaxy: Vol. 2 (2017), Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them (2016), Scott Pilgrim vs. the World (2010), Tom & Jerry: The Movie (2021), Iron Man (2008), Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse (2018), Monsters, Inc. (2001), Spider-Man: Far from Home (2019)

Future BMT: 92.7 Date Movie (2006), 92.3 Son of the Mask (2005), 89.4 Vampires Suck (2010), 88.2 Street Fighter (1994), 87.3 Dumb and Dumberer: When Harry Met Lloyd (2003), 83.1 Inspector Gadget (1999), 82.9 Home Alone 3 (1997), 79.3 The Flintstones in Viva Rock Vegas (2000), 78.8 Nutty Professor II: The Klumps (2000), 78.6 Superhero Movie (2008);

BMT: Pirates of the Caribbean: Salazar’s Revenge (2017), Movie 43 (2013), Super Mario Bros. (1993), The Lone Ranger (2013), The Cannonball Run (1981), Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2014), Superman III (1983), Cheaper by the Dozen 2 (2005), The Cat in the Hat (2003), Fifty Shades of Black (2016), Epic Movie (2007), Wild Hogs (2007), Meet the Spartans (2008), Around the World in 80 Days (2004), Police Academy 2: Their First Assignment (1985), Hudson Hawk (1991), Jungle 2 Jungle (1997), Made of Honour (2008), Mortdecai (2015), Out Cold (2001), The Love Guru (2008), Old Dogs (2009), Jingle All The Way (1996), Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo (2005), The Master of Disguise (2002), Harlem Nights (1989), Big Momma’s House 2 (2006), Vampire in Brooklyn (1995), The Medallion (2003), Caddyshack II (1988), Problem Child 2 (1991), Miss March (2009), Furry Vengeance (2010), Are We Done Yet? (2007), Christmas with the Kranks (2004), Dudley Do-Right (1999), The Marrying Man (1991), Unaccompanied Minors (2006)

(It would peak around ‘97 and it has been a bit downhill since the mid 00s. Makes sense in a way, although who knows how scientific these numbers really are. Son of Mask is a huge one we’ve been semi-consciously avoiding.)

Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 20) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Laraine Newman is No. 4 billed in Problem Child 2 and No. 4 billed in Perfect, which also stars John Travolta (No. 1 billed) who is in Wild Hogs (No. 2 billed), which also stars Tim Allen (No. 1 billed) who is in Jungle 2 Jungle (No. 1 billed), which also stars Leelee Sobieski (No. 6 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 1 billed) => 4 + 4 + 1 + 2 + 1 + 1 + 6 + 1 = 20. If we were to watch Jack, and The Glass House we can get the HoE Number down to 16.

Notes – During a 2014 interview on Gilbert Gottfried’s Amazing Colossal Podcast, screenwriters Scott Alexander and Larry Karaszewski revealed that the studio was reluctant to rehire them, only doing so because they wanted to shoot a sequel before Michael Oliver could noticeably grow and, as the writers of the first film, could produce a script quicker than writers new to the story and characters of the franchise. Frustrated with the criticisms of Problem Child (1990), they deliberately increased the poor taste in the sequel, intending to make a Pasolini or John Waters film for children, and went so far overboard that the first cut received an R rating from the MPAA, a secret kept until their 2014 appearance on the podcast. Dubbing over Junior’s use of the term “pussy whipped” got the film a PG-13 rating on appeal but the studio was still so nervous that, at the last minute, they added the Woody Woodpecker cartoon Smoked Hams (1947) to the film’s theatrical release to reassure parents that the film was suitable for children.

In 1999, John Ritter married Amy Yasbeck in real life.

When Mrs. Dumore sees Ben in the bank, she says she plans to make him “Hubbie #7” and a bunch of pictures are shown of her previous husbands. Her other husbands are John Ritter in several costumes. (ha!)

Ben is still driving the Jeep he “borrows” from Roy in the first film when he goes to rescue Junior from the Bow Tie Killer.

Based on the landmarks the Healys pass on their road trip, it can be assumed that they’re moving from California (the first landmark is the Randy’s Donuts in Inglewood, CA) to Florida (the final landmark they pass is the Booby Trap club in Orlando, FL). (I’m not sure this is true, elsewhere it indicated they were in Illinois in the first film and Oregon in the second. But we’ll have to keep our eyes peeled).

The only actor to appear in all three films and the short-lived cartoon series was Gilbert Gottfried. Jack Warden appeared in all three films, but not the cartoon.

In the original movie, while Junior is watching news clips of the Bow Tie Killer on TV, he goes into a toy box and retrieves a bowtie to wear so he can emulate his hero. The bowtie is being worn on a My Buddy doll. This is referenced in the sequel during the carnival scene, when Ben wins a My Buddy doll and gives it to Junior.

Mortville, the town that Ben and Junior move to, is a reference to a town with the same name in which the John Waters film Desperate Living is set. (Absolutely incredible ref, WTF this is a kids film?)

June Foray, who voiced the puppets in the puppet show before Trixie (Ivyann Schwan) took it over, did various cartoon voices for 60 years; in particular many Warner Brothers cartoons. She passed away in 2017 just shy of her 100th birthday.

The license plate on Ben’s car reads “JRS DAD”.

When LaWanda is reading various newspaper headlines that detail Junior’s actions in the first film, one of the headlines reads, “Union Carbide Plant Explodes.” This was not Junior’s fault, this is referencing the incident known as “The Bhopal Disaster” that occurred on December 2, 1984 at the Union Carbide Plant in Bhopal, Madhya Pradesh, India, where methyl isocyanate gas leaked, exposing 500,000 people. It is estimated that 16,000 died from pesticide exposure.

Problem Child Preview

Problem Child (1990) – BMeTric: 48.9; Notability: 38

StreetCreditReport.com – BMeTric: top 2.4%; Notability: top 32.7%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 0.0% Higher BMeT: Rocky V, Ghost Dad, Leatherface: Texas Chainsaw Massacre III; Higher Notability: RoboCop 2, Predator 2, Days of Thunder, The Adventures of Ford Fairlane, Jetsons: The Movie, Air America, Young Guns II: Blaze of Glory, The Rookie, 3 Men and a Little Lady, Marked for Death, Rocky V, Stella, Revenge, Bird on a Wire, Ghost Dad, Another 48 Hrs., Mr. Destiny, The First Power, Desperate Hours; Notes: Impressive stuff, just shy of 50 BMeTric, and a genuine 0% on Rotten Tomatoes. If you told me this was a cult film and has like a 6.0 on IMDb I wouldn’t have been surprised. And it seems like it might genuinely be on its way there.

Leonard Maltin – 1.5 stars – Botched comic twist on The Bad Seed has Ritter as an unlucky father who adopts devil-child Oliver. A promising opening leads nowhere as bad performances and crude jokes prevail. Followed by a sequel, a TV movie, and an animated TV series,

(Don’t worry, I’m already planning on partaking in the Problem Child animated series. It didn’t really occur to me that this film is based on horror/dramas of the kid-from-hell. It was always just Problem Child growing up.)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cxFT8zYZ3dU/

(Absolutely insane concept for a kids film. Basically, a psycho kid wreaking absolute havoc all played for laughs … but I loved it as a kid. Bizarre. I can’t wait to watch it as an adult.)

Directors – Dennis Dugan – (Known For: Happy Gilmore; Love, Weddings & Other Disasters; Brain Donors; Future BMT: You Don’t Mess with the Zohan; Beverly Hills Ninja; National Security; Saving Silverman; Big Daddy; BMT: Jack and Jill; Grown Ups 2; Problem Child; The Benchwarmers; Grown Ups; I Now Pronounce You Chuck & Larry; Just Go with It; Razzie Notes: Winner for Worst Director in 2012 for Jack and Jill, and Just Go with It; and Nominee for Worst Director in 2000 for Big Daddy; in 2008 for I Now Pronounce You Chuck & Larry; and in 2014 for Grown Ups 2; Notes: Frequent collaborator of Adam Sandler. I’ve mentioned it in a note before, but his son is/was a major league baseball player with the Phillies.)

Writers – Scott Alexander and Larry Karaszewski (written by) – (Known For: Man on the Moon; 1408; Ed Wood; Big Eyes; Goosebumps; Dolemite Is My Name; The People vs. Larry Flynt; Future BMT: Problem Child 2; Agent Cody Banks; That Darn Cat; Screwed; BMT: Problem Child; Notes: Won two Emmys for American Crime Story. Alexander started out as a music editor on small horror films, and Karaszewski wrote a biography of the Marx Brothers.)

Actors – Michael Oliver – (Future BMT: Problem Child 2; BMT: Problem Child; Notes: Was on a 2011 episode of Loveline with Gilbert Gottfried which was apparently the first time the two had talked since the filming of the second film.)

John Ritter – (Known For: Sling Blade; Bride of Chucky; Bad Santa; Nowhere; Real Men; Stay Tuned; Noises Off…; They All Laughed; The Other; Tadpole; Nickelodeon; Hero at Large; Panic; Clifford’s Really Big Movie; Americathon; Montana; I Woke Up Early the Day I Died; The Prisoner of Second Avenue; Hacks; Shadow of Doubt; Future BMT: Problem Child 2; Wholly Moses!; Skin Deep; BMT: North; Problem Child; Notes: Won an Emmy for Three’s Company, but was nominated for four series in total (Hooperman, Ally McBeal, and 8 Simple Rules… for Dating my Teenage Daughter were the other three). Tragically died in 2003 due to cardiac arrest from a misdiagnosed heart defect.)

Jack Warden – (Known For: 12 Angry Men; Heaven Can Wait; The Great Muppet Caper; Sunset Blvd.; All the President’s Men; Shampoo; While You Were Sleeping; The Replacements; Death on the Nile; From Here to Eternity; Being There; The Champ; The Bachelor Party; The Verdict; Donovan’s Reef; Mighty Aphrodite; …and justice for all.; Used Cars; Beyond the Poseidon Adventure; Bulworth; Future BMT: Problem Child 2; Guilty as Sin; Dirty Work; A Dog of Flanders; BMT: Ed; Chairman of the Board; Toys; Problem Child; Notes: Nominated for two Oscars for Shampoo and Heaven Can Wait. Boxed under the name Johnny Costello in his youth.)

Budget/Gross – $10 million / Domestic: $53,470,891 (Worldwide: $72,270,891)

(That is a lot more money than I would have expected for this film. Like … that is a legit haul, so obviously they were going to make a sequel! I just can’t get over that they got reasonably close to being a $100 million comedy.)

Rotten Tomatoes – 0% (0/29): Mean-spirited and hopelessly short on comic invention, Problem Child is a particularly unpleasant comedy, one that’s loaded with manic scenery chewing and juvenile pranks.

(I do remember it being mean-spirited, in particular just how insane the beginning is with Junior continually being returned to the orphanage. Reviewer Highlight: The rest of the kid’s tricks are too unimaginative to be much fun — though with jokes this lame you won’t have to worry as much about your children getting any bad ideas. – Owen Gleiberman, Entertainment Weekly)

Poster – Sklogin’ Child

(Apparently this poster was a bit controversial in its depiction of Junior putting the cat in a washing machine, which doesn’t happen in the film. Font’s good, spacing and cartoon aspect of it is fun, only problem is the gaudy 90’s color scheme. B.)

Tagline(s) – Attila the Hun. Ivan the Terrible. Al Capone. They were all seven once. (C-)

(This is like a who’s who of the least offensive choices they could have used for the tagline… thank god. Takes far to long to get to the punchline and waters down whatever they were going for.)

Keyword – orphanage

Top 10: Blade Runner 2049 (2017), Deadpool 2 (2018), Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them (2016), The Dark Knight Rises (2012), Avengers: Age of Ultron (2015), Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince (2009), Transformers: The Last Knight (2017), Clifford (1994), Orphan (2009), Up (2009)

Future BMT: 50.9 The Boss (2016), 50.1 Friend Request (2016), 44.0 Fred Claus (2007), 42.2 Pan (2015), 39.4 The Princess Diaries 2 (2004), 33.6 Suspect Zero (2004), 32.1 Clifford (1994), 28.9 Original Sin (2001), 28.8 Igor (2008), 26.9 Grimsby (2016);

BMT: Transformers: The Last Knight (2017), Silent Hill (2006), The Snowman (2017), Epic Movie (2007), Zoolander 2 (2016), Problem Child (1990), Double Impact (1991), Silent Hill: Revelation (2012), Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo (2005), Freddy’s Dead: The Final Nightmare (1991), Solarbabies (1986), Alone in the Dark (2005)

(I’m surprised by how consistent the plot it, you would think once the tropey version of orphanages went out of fashion it would vaguely die out as far as cheap laughs are concerned. My god, Clifford (1994)! Another film I’ve seen an inordinate number of times starring a bad child which comes across as crass and mean-spirited.)

Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 19) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Jack Warden is No. 2 billed in Problem Child and No. 5 billed in Toys, which also stars LL Cool J (No. 7 billed) who is in Rollerball (No. 2 billed), which also stars Chris Klein (No. 1 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 2 billed) => 2 + 5 + 7 + 2 + 1 + 2 = 19. If we were to watch Jack, and The Glass House we can get the HoE Number down to 15.

Notes – Throughout the film, Ben reads several self-help books on parenting. Each book features a photo of the author on the back cover. The author photos are John Ritter in various costumes. (Nice, I like the joke)

An ad campaign for this film included “reviews” from a number of famous movie villains: “Four-star fun for the whole gang!” – Al Capone “Two thumbs up!” – Captain Hook “10 out of 10! Junior had me in stitches!” – Frankenstein “This kid gives ME nightmares!” – Freddy Krueger “Junior is a real cut-up!” – Leatherface “I wish he were MY son!” – Darth Vade r”Don’t have a cow! Just see this movie, dude!” –Bart Simpson

During a 2014 interview on Gilbert Gottfried’s Amazing Colossal Podcast, screenwriters Scott Alexander and Larry Karaszewski revealed that the story was inspired by the 1988 LA Times article “An Adopted Boy–and Terror Begins.” The story is about a married couple suing an adoption agency because they were not informed that their adopted son had severe mental health issues with violent tendencies, and had been previously returned to the agency multiple times. While other writers pitched the story as a horror film in the vein of The Bad Seed (1956) or The Omen (1976), Alexander and Karaszewski thought it had potential as a comedy. They envisioned a dark, adult satire of the then-popular trend of films in which cute kids teach cynical adults how to love, as seen in Baby Boom (1987), Parenthood (1989) (directly spoofed by the film’s poster), Look Who’s Talking (1989), Uncle Buck (1989), Mr. Mum (1983), Kindergarten Cop (1990) and 3 Men and a Baby (1987). The studio insisted on turning it into a children’s film, which meant numerous reshoots and rewrites. All involved in the difficult production were disappointed, and anticipated that it would bomb. Alexander cried after the cast and crew screening. The film was a surprise hit, and Universal’s most profitable film of 1990. Alexander and Karaszewski were so embarrassed that they tried to distance themselves from the film in its immediate aftermath, which proved difficult. Studios were initially reluctant to hire them or take them seriously based on their work on such a prominent disreputable film. In later years, they eventually came to work with executives who grew up watching the film on TV airings and were excited to be meeting “the guys who wrote Problem Child.” Looking back, they still feel the film is “a mess,” but take some pride in being involved with one of the “very few [PG-rated] children’s films THAT black and THAT crazy,” adding “and it’s funny.”

According to Dennis Dugan, the test screenings were disastrous, with 70 percent of the audience walking out, verbal complaints from viewers, and a score of only 30. The studio forced two weeks of reshoots, including a retooled ending and the addition of key scenes like the girl’s birthday party.

Dennis Dugan had never directed a feature film before, so he decided to make his pitch to Universal executives a memorable one. He stood on the studio president’s coffee table and passionately proclaimed, “You’re looking at me like I’m f*cking nuts, and this is what we want. We want this kind of chaos.” Three hours later, Dugan learned he had the job.

During production, both John Ritter and Gilbert Gottfried were allowed to ad lib, making Universal complain at Dennis Dugan for shooting too much footage for Gottfried’s scenes

The poster for the movie was a spoof of the poster for Parenthood (1989). Imagine Entertainment produced both films and Dennis Dugan, who directed Problem Child, acted in both films.

Universal originally wanted John Landis to direct this film. But Landis turned it down as he had no interest in making kids movies. They then approached Joe Dante to direct after directing The ‘Burbs (1989) for them. Dante read the script and liked it. But he turned it down as he was about to work on Gremlins 2: The New Batch (1990).

The doll that Junior takes the bow-tie from in the orphanage is a “My Buddy” doll that is missing its striped shirt and tennis shoes. When sold in stores, the doll never originally came with a bow-tie.

Dennis Dugan: as the All-American Dad who buys his son a canteen.

Awards – Nominee for the Razzie Award for Worst Supporting Actor (Gilbert Gottfried, 1991)

The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1 Recap

Jamie

Twilight is back, Jack! And you best believe Edward and Bella are getting married and having some vampire sex. But uh oh! They didn’t know that she could get pregnant! Gulp. Now they have to figure out how to save her life. Can they stop the little vampire baby and/or the local hunky werewolves before it’s too late? Find out in… The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1.

How?! I mean, that short synopsis really sums it up pretty well. That’s cause we open with an extended sequence of Bella and Edward’s very fancy backyard wedding. Then we transition to an even more extended sequence of Bella and Edward’s very fancy honeymoon on a secluded island in Brazil. There Bella is pretty much ready to get it on. Unfortunately their night of monstrous love making leaves the room in shambles, Bella bruised for her efforts, and the viewer decidedly uncomfortable at what they have just witnessed. The rest of the trip they apparently just play chess against each other while Bella is none too thrilled with her sexually repressed vampire husband. Things go from bad to worse when Bella discovers that she’s pregnant and things are progressing at a far faster clip than anyone could expect. She returns to Forks where Edward and his family mull over what to do while she steadily wastes away as her unborn child literally sucks the life out of her. Jacob swings by and is pretty distraught at what has occurred because part of the werewolf code (that we all know and love) says that now his tribe has to kill everyone now. So he breaks off from the pack and sets up shop protecting Bella. They are able to keep Bella alive by feeding her blood (you know… cause the baby’s a vampire), but when Bella gives birth things don’t go well. To save her life Edwards injects his venom into her in order to (finally) make her a vampire. In order to save the baby from his fellow werewolves, Jacob imprints on the child named Renesmee. This ends the feud and we conclude with Bella opening her eyes for the first time as a vampire. THE END.

Why?! Why, indeed. I mean.. I guess to progress the story somewhat and make a boatload of money. As for the characters, love mostly. Although, while I laughed while reading the first book about how Edward is a monster for wanting to “bite” Bella and ultimately can’t “bite” Bella until they are married (wink, wink), this film gets a bit confusing. Even after they are married Edward seems the be pretty adamant that postmarital sex is also monstrous and off the table… so I kind of lost the thread on what the author was ultimately trying to say about love and sex.

Who?! Interesting fact that this is the only Twilight sequel where the author of the series Stephanie Meyer chose to make an appearance. She was one of the attendees of Bella and Edward’s wedding. Oh and I’d also like to note that Taylor Lautner, Kellen Lutz, and Maggie Grace all make appearances. Just a few of our faves.

What?! You know things are real when entire articles are written about the extravagant lengths companies went to to be featured as part of Bella and Edward’s wedding/honeymoon. Gotta get a piece of that sweet, sweet monstrous postmarital lovemaking that Edward immediately regrets and makes Bella feel bad about. Anywho, here’s the article.

Where?! We get a nice split here between Forks, Washington per usual and not-so-steamy Brazil. It’s interesting that no one in the film acknowledges the kinda weird fact that Bella and Edward honeymoon in the same place he hid away in the second film… and you know… decided to kill himself when he mistakenly thought Bella had died. Uh… romantic. A-. Washington has always played a role in the film’s concept.

When?! Bella graduated in the previous entry and without school you do get a bit unmoored from the timeline. The wedding, honeymoon, and pregnancy? Seems like it all occurs in the insular world of the Cullens without much temporal reference. So I can’t really remember if this is all during the summer and then into the following autumn, but that would be my guess without going back and watching the film again. D.

I’m of two minds about the Twilight series. The first and the third ones are silly but ultimately not really as bad as they are sometimes made out to be. Particularly the first one. The second is not good, but at least it’s kinda weird. So really the series is probably closer to After than Fifty Shades of Grey (a point of reference we all understand), while also admittedly not being my cup of tea. However, this pretty clearly crosses the line to actually bad. It just churns through a wedding, a honeymoon, and Bella’s pregnancy without much else happening. By splitting to book into two films they have a lot more time to meditate on postmarital sex, the idea of turning someone into a vampire, and several conversations of how and if to save Bella’s life when it becomes clear that she has a very real chance at dying in childbirth. These are not the questions I’d like to be pondering when watching my sexy vampire/werewolf love triangle soap operas and make it a tough watch. My final conclusion is this: how is it possible we still haven’t gotten to the sexy part?… what’s that? Even the last book isn’t sexy?! What are we even doing here? Patrick?

Patrick

‘Ello everyone! We are finishing off The Twilight Saga. If you are Team Jacob, I swear to god … I’m genuinely curious how that could be. He’s the worst! Let’s go!

P’s View on the Preview – Well, the preview is a bit moot since I watched the entire series before. I think it was because Doug Benson was doing it for his podcast or something? I mainly remember this one being mind-numbingly boring. Nothing happens. So that’s something to look forward to. What were my expectations? To be bored, BUT I also knew I would end up watching the third and fifth ones and those are alright, so it wasn’t all bad.

The Good – The even numbered entries in the series seem like they want to explore the lore of the series (and, ahem, the more overt religious themes which I’ll ignore), and it is actually halfway decent. Bella becomes pregnant and then it begs the question as to why human-vampire hybrids don’t exist if they are, indeed, possible. Beyond just that vampires tend to kill humans they have sex with, it would appear that a big issue with it is that no one really seemed to realize that the human mother would need to drink blood to bring the pregnancy to term. Seems obvious, but it at least provides an okay explanation as to why a hybrid hasn’t been seen for perhaps hundreds of years. Best bit: Okay lore building.

The Bad – We could, of course talk about Jacob, a fully grown adult, “imprinting” on a literal baby … it is supposed to be a godfather relationship, but still ultra creepy. We could talk about the shades of spousal abuse (and battered woman syndrome) that pervades the honeymoon. Or maybe the overt religious themes surrounding the pregnancy. But I choose to merely point out that nothing super interesting happens in the film and it ends with maybe the worst fight scene in the entire series involving a dozen wolves fighting a dozen vampires in the front yard of the Cullens and it looks like garbage. Fatal flaw: Boring and terrible looking.

The BMT – When I watched this series through the first time I was convinced this was the worst of the bunch. Nothing happens. Watching it again, I think at the very least having Edward around (unlike the second) and thus having one of the two best actors involved in the series around is a saving grace. And while I think it is kind of weird, the overt religious themes of this one at least gives the audience something to mull over while watching CGI wolves fight CGI vampires at the end. Ultimately this is probably second worst. It is a bad movie, but not as bad as I remembered it somehow. Did it meet my expectations? I think with some distance from the series I’ve come to appreciate that while bizarre, the religious themes of the series are at least not-boring. And so I wasn’t nearly as bored as I thought I would be while watching the film … but it is still mostly boring because there is only one terrible looking fight scene. Everyone knows you need at least one big blowout fight with decapitations for a Twilight film to be good.

Roast-radamus – I can only really give it a Setting as a Character (Where?) for Forks, Washington. As usual, the dreary raininess of the pacific northwest is center stage of a Twilight film, and I wouldn’t have it any other way. In the end the film is I think closest to BMT, which is a surprise since it is boring, but I think the series as a whole is an interesting watch from a teen romance / bad movie perspective and that makes it worth it.

Sequel, Prequel, Remake – Please no … I guess the best option is prequel though? Because then you could pick up a story involving the Cullens from prior to the series. Well, what is super in right now? That’s right, 80s nostalgia (is that still in? I might be a few years behind here, but whatever). Set it in the 80s with a comical 80s ecological villain who wants to just chop down all those trees and destroy the Cullen’s hunting ground. Oh no! Working with a gang of eco-protesters, the Cullens need to stop the logging company, while keeping their vampire secret under wraps. The Twilight Legacy: Montgomery Gadzooks and the Lumbering Lumberjacks. Oh, did I mention my 80s villain is called Montgomery Gadzooks? Also this is actually just a kids’ cartoon starring the Cullens. Not the worst idea I’ve ever had.

You Just Got Schooled – You can’t watch the 4th film without the 3rd and 5th can you? First up, The Twilight Saga: Eclipse. A pretty solid entry to the series. It brings all the characters back to Forks (the fatal flaw of the second film), gives a ton of vampire fighting and decapitations, and accelerates directly into the final film(s). Obviously Jacob is a brooding weirdo and the worst, but on a positive note he also gets continually dunked on by Edward throughout the film, so that’s nice. B-. I would actually happily watch several of these films again (and I have). It is the opposite of Star Trek, every odd one is good. Remembering The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 2 the only thing that came to mind really was the big battle. There is a lot more to it, although it mainly is a who’s who of random cameos (Rami Malek and Lee Pace being the most notable I think). There is also a quite effective twist at the end and out of all of the films it was the most entertaining (maybe because like 70 people get their heads broken off?) and I think balances the lore building with the action very well. A solid B+ I think. Very funny that arguably the best and worst films in the franchise were the two part finale.

Cheerios,

The Sklogs

The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1 Quiz

Oh man, so here I was watching this 5 film tween vampire franchise when all of a sudden my brain broke and I just couldn’t remember anything, not even my name. Do you remember what happened in The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1?

Pop Quiz Hot Shot!

1) What is the big dark secret that Edward has to tell Bella secret the night before the wedding?

2) Where do Bella and Jacob go for their honeymoon?

3) What do they tell Bella’s father happened to her?

4) What does Edward ask Jacob to do?

5) What super secret trick does Jacob think of that helps save Bella’s life and bring the first human-vampire hybrid (of the modern era) to term?

Bonus Question: How long does Bella and Edwards marriage last?

Answers

The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1 Preview

Fresh off the complete destruction of Adam Banks’ office, Patrick delicately asks Jamie what his plan is. “Burn it all to the ground,” Jamie says matter-of-factly and for a moment his eyes get a faraway look and Patrick has a chilling sensation run up his spine. Ever since they were children Jamie has seemed different somehow, like an unknown and yet horrific paranormal power lurks beneath his statuesque exterior. But Patrick knows that “calm” is the operative word when dealing with a couple of cybertronic nuisances. “That’s just what they want us to do. The question is what they don’t want us to do,” he helpfully suggests to Jamie. The fire quickly winks out in his eyes and Jamie stops in his tracks to ponder. “Yeah, and they actually haven’t done anything yet, right? Just make a couple of phone calls. That can’t be their whole plan.” As they continue to walk and ponder they start to get the sense that everyone is looking at them. There is a distinct buzz on set and they have the feeling that it’s not entirely the result of the steamy Chris Klein yoga scene they’ll be filming later that day. Suddenly Jamie stops, his mouth agape, and Patrick quickly sees why. On the set stands Angel, infamous costar of their previous cat-astrophic film fiasco. Seems like the cyborgs weren’t just making calls to Adam Banks, but to the casting director as well. Patrick would have scoffed at this juvenile attempt at disruption, after all they killed Angel once, they can do it again, if not for one other shocking detail… Angel was also making out with CK’s costar (and real life girlfriend) Leighton Vanderschmidt in what can only be described as the beginnings of a disastrous love triangle. Gulp. That’s right! We are finishing the Twilight saga franchise by watching the second (and currently last) BMT qualifying entry: The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1. It is by all accounts the worst entry in the series and interestingly preceded what is regarded as the best entry in Part 2. Be prepared to be bored by sad vampires and shirtless werewolves. Let’s go!

The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1 (2011) – BMeTric: 72.3; Notability: 84

StreetCreditReport.com – BMeTric: top 2.0%; Notability: top 5.6%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 20.6% Higher BMeT: Jack and Jill, Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance, Spy Kids 4: All the Time in the World, Shark Night 3D, Big Mommas: Like Father, Like Son; Higher Notability: Transformers: Dark of the Moon, Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides, Green Lantern, Cars 2; Lower RT: Jack and Jill, Bucky Larson: Born to Be a Star, The Roommate, A Little Bit of Heaven, Hick, Abduction, Big Mommas: Like Father, Like Son, Dream House, New Year’s Eve, 666: The Prophecy, Honey 2, Red Riding Hood, Trespass, Hoodwinked Too! Hood vs. Evil, Season of the Witch, Atlas Shrugged: Part I, The Moth Diaries, Zookeeper, The Ledge, Something Borrowed and 26 more; Notes: Wow, it has been sitting stock still at 4.9 forever. Has that genuinely-bad-movie staying power I love to see. And my god, the cred. 80+ Notability?! 70+ BMeTric?! That is really incredible.

RogerEbert.com – 2.5 stars – Kristen Stewart is really pretty good here, although like almost all actresses she believes pregnant women rub their baby bumps unceasingly. I would have liked more scenes developing her thoughts about married life. Although the possibility of an abortion is hinted at, we never learn her thinking on this question: Does a vampire baby have a soul? Does it have a right to life although, technically, it’s half dead? Luckily, we must wait only until Nov. 16, 2012, when “The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 2” will open. It had better have the answers. If it doesn’t, Charlie Swan has a gun and he knows how to use it.

(A wild review. Spoiler alert, I watched this film ages ago of my own free will. It is horrible and boring. The fact that this review have it 2.5 out of four stars is perplexing. Genuinely perplexing. I don’t understand. It isn’t a movie. It is half a movie, and not the good half! I can’t get over this.)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PQNLfo-SOR4/

(That is the beginning of a movie, right? She gets pregnant, and the conflict is that the baby is eating her because it is a vampire … and then nothing because the movie ends and we skip to the next movie. I suppose Marvel did that a bit with Infinity War and Endgame, but not really. I’m glad that trend died with things like the Divergent series.)

Directors – Bill Condon – (Known For: Beauty and the Beast; The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 2; Dreamgirls; The Good Liar; Kinsey; Mr. Holmes; Gods and Monsters; Sister, Sister; Future BMT: Candyman: Farewell to the Flesh; The Fifth Estate; BMT: The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1; Razzie Notes: Winner for Worst Director for The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 2 in 2013; and Nominee for Worst Director for The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1 in 2012; Notes: Annoying he got nominated for the second one as well which is actually pretty good. Won an Oscar for writing Gods and Monsters.)

Writers – Melissa Rosenberg (screenplay) – (Known For: Twilight; The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 2; The Twilight Saga: Eclipse; Future BMT: Step Up; BMT: The Twilight Saga: New Moon; The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1; Razzie Notes: Nominee for Worst Screenplay in 2010 for The Twilight Saga: New Moon; in 2011 for The Twilight Saga: Eclipse; in 2012 for The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1; and in 2013 for The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 2; Notes: Produced Dexter for which she was nominated for three Emmys. She also produced The O.C. and Jessice Jones among others. She adapted all of the screenplays for Meyer.)

Stephenie Meyer (novel) – (Known For: Twilight; The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 2; The Twilight Saga: Eclipse; BMT: The Twilight Saga: New Moon; The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1; The Host; Razzie Notes: Nominee for Worst Screenplay for The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 2 in 2013; Notes: Notably a mormon (themes of which are present throughout Twilight) and notoriously Twilight was the inspiration for Fifty Shades of Grey among other things.)

Actors – Kristen Stewart – (Known For: Twilight; Into the Wild; Underwater, Charlie’s Angels; The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 2; Snow White and the Huntsman; Happiest Season; Panic Room; Adventureland; The Twilight Saga: Eclipse; On the Road; Zathura: A Space Adventure; Still Alice; Cafe Society; The Runaways; American Ultra; Seberg; Speak; Billy Lynn’s Long Halftime Walk; Equals; Lizzie; Future BMT: The Flintstones in Viva Rock Vegas; Cold Creek Manor; The Messengers; Catch That Kid; BMT: The Twilight Saga: New Moon; The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1; Jumper; Razzie Notes: Winner for Worst Actress in 2013 for Snow White and the Huntsman, and The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 2; Nominee for Worst Actress, and Worst Screen Couple for The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1 in 2012; Nominee for Worst Actress for The Twilight Saga: Eclipse in 2011; and Nominee for Worst Screen Couple in 2010 for The Twilight Saga: New Moon; and in 2013 for The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 2; Notes: Had an off-and-on relationship with Pattinson throughout the series. Is slated to direct her first feature at some point, The Chronology of Water.)

Robert Pattinson – (Known For: Tenet; The Devil All the Time; Twilight; The Lighthouse; Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire; The King; Good Time; The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 2; The Lost City of Z; High Life; The Twilight Saga: Eclipse; Waiting for the Barbarians; Maps to the Stars; Cosmopolis; Water for Elephants; The Rover; Queen of the Desert; Damsel; Vanity Fair; Life; Future BMT: Remember Me; BMT: The Twilight Saga: New Moon; The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1; Razzie Notes: Nominee for Worst Actor in 2011 for Remember Me, and The Twilight Saga: Eclipse; and in 2013 for The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 2; Nominee for Worst Supporting Actor, and Worst Screen Couple for The Twilight Saga: New Moon in 2010; and Nominee for Worst Screen Couple in 2012 for The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1; and in 2013 for The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 2; Notes: He’s Batman! He’s from London and has a really solid independent film resume despite being most well known for this series.)

Taylor Lautner – (Known For: Twilight; The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 2; The Twilight Saga: Eclipse; Tracers; Run the Tide; Shadow Fury; Future BMT: The Adventures of Sharkboy and Lavagirl 3-D; BMT: The Twilight Saga: New Moon; The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1; The Ridiculous 6; Abduction; Grown Ups 2; Cheaper by the Dozen 2; Valentine’s Day; Razzie Notes: Winner for Worst Supporting Actor, and Worst Screen Couple for The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 2 in 2013; Nominee for Worst Actor in 2011 for The Twilight Saga: Eclipse, and Valentine’s Day; and in 2012 for Abduction, and The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1; Nominee for Worst Supporting Actor for Grown Ups 2 in 2014; and Nominee for Worst Screen Couple in 2010 for The Twilight Saga: New Moon; and in 2012 for The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1; Notes: A kid actor, he is also an accomplished martial artist, and is Grown Ups 2 is anything to go off of a very good gymnast.)

Budget/Gross – $110,000,000 / Domestic: $281,287,133 (Worldwide: $712,205,856)

(A huge hit. They all were. They made like billions of dollars and people were into Jacob versus Edward and stuff. Remember?)

Rotten Tomatoes – 25% (52/210): Slow, joyless, and loaded with unintentionally humorous moments, Breaking Dawn Part 1 may satisfy the Twilight faithful, but it’s strictly for fans of the franchise.

(This is basically what I remember, that somehow they made a feature length film out of the first ten minutes of another much better film. Reviewer Highlight: By any normal standard, this is a terrible movie, with stilted dialogue and leaden pacing — every 15 minutes or so, the action stops for a musical montage involving slow-motion handsomeness. But the Twilight saga stopped being normal a long time ago. – Dana Stevens, Slate)

Poster – Finally Vampire Sex Time – Part 1

(This is a very appropriate poster because I look at it and immediately go “that looks boring” so good on them for sticking to truth in advertising. Good font, interesting spacing, and very airbrushed skin. C.)

Tagline(s) – Forever is only the beginning (C+)

(Nooooooooo. Oh sorry I thought you meant I would have to watch this film forever and this first viewing is just the beginning. Phew. The tagline is nonsense in the context of the film. I understand what they mean, but it gets a little too meta for my taste. Still, short and somewhat clever.)

Keyword – vampire

Top 10: Scott Pilgrim vs. the World (2010), Twilight (2008), Jennifer’s Body (2009), Hotel Transylvania (2012), Doctor Sleep (2019), Hellboy (2019), Bram Stoker’s Dracula (1992), Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter (2012), The Lost Boys (1987), Hotel Transylvania 3: A Monster Vacation (2018)

Future BMT: 89.4 Vampires Suck (2010), 87.9 BloodRayne (2005), 51.1 Dylan Dog: Dead of Night (2010), 48.6 Sleepwalkers (1992), 43.9 Buffy the Vampire Slayer (1992), 43.8 Priest (2011), 42.2 Transylvania 6-5000 (1985), 41.8 Bordello of Blood (1996), 40.8 The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen (2003), 39.4 The Forsaken (2001);

BMT: Hellboy (2019), The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1 (2011), Vampire Academy (2014), The Twilight Saga: New Moon (2009), Queen of the Damned (2002), Dracula 2001 (2000), Ultraviolet (2006), Vampire in Brooklyn (1995), Dudley Do-Right (1999)

(Amazing we still have three 50+ BMeTric vampire films left. I’m probably most excited for LXG (that’s League of Extraordinary Gentlemen) because that film is absurd.)

Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 15) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Taylor Lautner is No. 3 billed in The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1 and No. 2 billed in Ridiculous Six, which also stars Adam Sandler (No. 1 billed) who is in Jack and Jill (No. 1 billed), which also stars Al Pacino (No. 3 billed) who is in 88 Minutes (No. 1 billed), which also stars Leelee Sobieski (No. 3 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 1 billed) => 3 + 2 + 1 + 1 + 3 + 1 + 3 + 1 = 15. If we were to watch The Glass House we can get the HoE Number down to 13.

Notes – Robert Pattinson took a boat driving lesson so he would be able to drive the boat in the honeymoon scenes. Despite taking lessons, he crashed the boat in both the lessons and while filming in Brazil.

It took three hours to apply all the necessary make-up effects to Kristen Stewart to create Bella’s emaciated physical appearance. Effects that couldn’t be achieved with make-up were created digitally in post-production.

In order to keep the budget on both parts of Breaking Dawn reasonable, even though it is substantially greater than the previous installments in the series, much of the film was shot in and around Baton Rouge, Louisiana and Celtic Studios in Baton Rouge.

Kristen Stewart said in an interview that filming Bella and Edward’s honeymoon sex scene was hard to do, but she was very happy with the final result.

Robert Pattinson went through a strict diet and exercise regime for six months in preparation before filming. He stopped his routine after filming the much-talked-about sex scene.

During their vows and first kiss as husband and wife, the song “Flightless Bird, American Mouth” by Iron & Wine plays. This is the same song they danced to at the prom at the end of the first Twilight (2008) installment when Bella first tries to convince Edward to turn her so they can be together forever.

Sofia Coppola was very interested in directing this project, but she was only willing to direct one part of ‘Breaking Dawn’, which Summit wanted to split in two parts.

The soundtrack song “Cold” by Aqualung and Lucy Schwartz includes the lyrics “sing for the lion and lamb”. This is a line from the first film/book of the franchise when Edward says “So the lion fell in love with the lamb”.

In the books, Edward’s time hunting humans is revealed much earlier. It was Robert Pattinson who approached director Bill Condon about including that arc in the film.

In the indoor chess game, Edward missed the best move, Qa1, as placing the queen in the corner instantly checkmates.

When Bella and Edward have sex for the first time it is prefaced by a scene where Bella is unable to find a swimsuit in her suitcase and decided to enter the water completely nude. However in a later scene Bella and Edward go swimming again and Bella now has on a swimsuit.

One of the key elements in both the book and the movie was how Edward tries to distract Bella with activities in order to keep her from thinking about having sex again. In the movie, one of the activities is a game of chess, with both red and white pieces, just like the pieces on the cover of the book.

Awards – Nominee for the Razzie Award for Worst Actor (Taylor Lautner, 2012)

Nominee for the Razzie Award for Worst Director (Bill Condon, 2012)

Nominee for the Razzie Award for Worst Picture (2012)

Nominee for the Razzie Award for Worst Ensemble (2012)

Nominee for the Razzie Award for Worst Screen Couple (Kristen Stewart, Taylor Lautner, Robert Pattinson, 2012)

Nominee for the Razzie Award for Worst Screenplay (Melissa Rosenberg, Stephenie Meyer, 2012)

Nominee for the Razzie Award for Worst Prequel, Remake, Rip-Off or Sequel (2012)

Nominee for the Razzie Award for Worst Actress (Kristen Stewart, 2012)

The Rage: Carrie 2 Recap

Jamie

Rachel is already a bit of an outcast, so when her BFF commits suicide and she ends up in the corsshairs of the coolest kids in school things go from bad to worse. Unfortunately for them Rachel isn’t any ordinary girl and her rage unlocks her supernatural powers. Can her rage be stopped (and maybe still get the guy) before it’s too late? Find out in… The Rage: Carrie 2.

How?! Rachel isn’t Carrie, which is confusing given the title of the film. But don’t worry, she’s Carrie’s sister, so that makes sense… other than the timeline being decades off. Anywho, forget all that. Just remember that Rachel is Carrie and totally has telekinetic powers. This will become relevant much later in the story, though, because at first she’s just a regular ol’ high school student. When her best friend commits suicide as a direct result of a group of football players’ gross game of hooking up with as many girls as possible, Rachel turns over some photographic evidence against one of them. This puts her in the crosshairs of the gang’s ire and as a result the school guidance counselor, who knew the original Carrie, gets increasingly concerned. Meanwhile, one of the popular guys, Jesse, begins to grow close to Rachel and he tries to stop his fellow players from bullying her. They all agree and play nice, but it’s all a ruse. They plan a romantic getaway for Jesse and Rachel and secretly film it. Then they set it up so after a big football game Rachel is whisked away to the post-game party without Jesse. Stranded with her tormentors, they play the tape of her and Jesse’s tryst much to her embarrassment… and rage! With her powers revealed she totally destroys everyone and the whole party becomes a scene of horror. Jesse arrives at the last moment and is able to calm her down enough to stop the horror, but Rachel is crushed when the house they are in collapses. Years later we see that Jesse is still terrorized by his memories of Rachel thus starting the cycle towards Carrie 3: Still Ragin’. THE END.

Why?! Rachel just seems to want to live her life, but it’s hard when you have supernatural powers that you are trying to keep in check. Everyone else wants to either help or hurt her and not much in between. Obviously this doesn’t turn out great for everyone involved.

Who?! We get some nice archival footage here in order to tie everything to the original Carrie. Sissy Spacek obviously makes an appearance in these flashbacks and is immediately the biggest star in the film. The only other notable thing is that the primary antagonist is played by Dylan Bruno who happened to go to MIT graduating in 1994 with a degree in Environmental Engineering. He then played a character on Numb3rs that also went to MIT. Fun facts.

What?! The “sex book” angle was an interesting one. It’s a ripped-from-the-headlines trope that comes up with regularity in tv and film. In a wild coincidence I was also watching Riverdale at the same time and the third episode of that show is also a “sex book” plot. It’s based on a California event about a group of high schoolers who called themselves the Spur Posse and I’ll just stop there. Terrible people and a terrible name.

Where?! There is an aspect of the plot that would likely necessitate it takes place in California, but I’m not going to go into that mostly because they make it clear it takes place in the same town as the original Carrie. That film is no doubt set in Maine and as a result I won’t even entertain the possibility that this one isn’t set in Maine. So Maine it is. It’s worth mentioning though that the film was not originally written as a sequel to Carrie, but rather was changed to fit the Carrie lore. So likely the original script was set in California. B-.

When?! It’s the beginning of the football season so we know it’s early Fall. There are a bunch of football schedules posted around town in a bunch of scenes that declare “We Support Bulldog Football.” In one such scene it appears like the first game of the season occurs on September 27th… so that is somewhat of an exact date and makes sense with the rest of film. It’s always fun to find something like this B-.

There were two things I kinda dug about this film. One is that I realized that I’m a sucker for any kind of high school drama. I actually would have almost preferred this was just an episode of The OC and all the paranormal mumbo jumbo didn’t factor in. But alas… it’s unfortunately a Carrie sequel. The second is that I appreciated that they went for it in the final scene. It needed to be fun and horror-like in order to make up for the complete lack of any of that stuff for 95% of the run time. It did a pretty good job on delivering. Gory with some fun kills. As for absolutely everything else in the film? Amateur hour. Second week in a row where I was scratching my head wondering how this even made it to theaters. But that wasn’t the worst bit. It’s the half-hearted attempt to make a Carrie sequel out of something that clearly wasn’t written as such. Rachel even being Carrie’s half sister is quite the stretch given that in the book Carrie’s dad is long dead and even in the movie he’s long gone having run out on the family. So you’re saying he came back to town, impregnated another woman and then ran away again… by why? Why the same exact town? Makes you wonder whether you could even make a telekinetic high school student film… or would it be rejected from the jump because it’s too similar to Carrie? Is that plot now totally off the table other than the occasional film they then retcon into a bullshit sequel? Patrick?

Patrick

‘Ello everyone! Carrie was so nice they made it twice. Only the second time it was considerably worse and about goths and stuff. Let’s go!

P’s View on the Preview – The trailer looks like a television movie. It has television actors in it. It is a sequel to a beloved horror film from the 70s based on a beloved horror book by the quintessential horror author. And yet … it was released to theaters. The 90s man. What were my expectations? Uh … well, I fully expected to just watch Carrie again, but with cheesy 90s trash thrown everywhere and probably a heavy metal soundtrack maybe? A remake in all but name.

The Good – The reskin of the Carrie story works in its own 90s way. The outsider goes from being a sheltered weirdo, to, effectively, a goth. Combine that with the bizarre aggressiveness of the football team and the whole package works … as a television movie. All of this is “good” in the sense that all of this is not released to theaters as a Carrie sequel. I think it is important to make that caveat. Best Bit: The main character.

The Bad – Rachel being Carrie’s half-sister is an obvious twist that begs way more questions than it answers and provides no interesting lore. Like … is Ralph White telekinetic? Is it genetic? Do all of his children have this gift? Are there other strange psychic powers in this world (… does this take place in the world of The Shining, I guess I would think so)? They are interesting questions, but the twist is so half-hearted that it gives nothing in return. The ripped-from-the-headlines sex book is gross, a pretty bleak blast-from-the-past. And the direction is terrible, a hodge-podge of restless camera movements and unnecessary black-and-white nonsense. Fatal Flaw: Dumb twist.

The BMT – If this was merely a made-for-television sequel/remake of Carrie it would be a whole lotta nothing. But as a genuine released-to-theaters sequel to Carrie it is an abomination. I wanted very much to like a lot of the film, especially the somewhat interesting Rachel as played by Emily Bergl, but the entire thing feels like a weird joke. Almost a parody of the source material / Stephen King in general. Did it meet my expectations? Yeah, it is basically a Carrie clone masquerading as a sequel. I guess they do a decent job in updating the main character / triggering event to something a bit more 90s (goth / secret sex tape), but that is about it.

Roast-radamus – In reality the only good superlative is Worst Twist (How?) for the inevitable reveal that our orphaned hero Rachel is Carrie’s half-sister. Closest to Bad in the end I think, as much as I wanted to find all of this very amusing, it is kind of a nothing movie that I could never see myself watching ever again.

Sequel, Prequel, Remake – Well … we’ve already had a sequel and a remake to Carrie. So I guess we are just left with a prequel. And Ralph White is ripe for the big screen treatment. Let’s see, given Carrie’s age in the book it isn’t absurd to think that Ralph White could have been involved in World War II, so let’s go with that. He’s a soldier in the European theater during the push to Berlin near the end of the war. While travelling through a German village he meets a young woman who he falls in love with. But tragedy strikes, his platoon mates (who despise him), are determined to play a trick on him during the final night in the town (the same night he and the young woman consummate their tryst). Embarrassing Ralph (they’re all going to laugh at you! But in german) he goes insane and levels the town. The army is convinced that Ralph is just the lucky survivor of one of the final battles of the war, and he is sent home, disillusioned about love with his new power awakened. But, what a twist! We see later that the young woman miraculously survived … as did her child, destined to have the same powers that Ralph has! Ba-ba-baaaaaaaaaaaa. Carrie: Origins is basically the only good name, although an amusingly cryptic and simple Ralph White would also be fun. Everyone would be like “am I supposed to know who Ralph White is? Oh, it’s Carrie’s dad? Weird.”

Cheerios,

The Sklogs

The Rage: Carrie 2 Quiz

So here’s what happened. There was this super rad party at school. I didn’t really know anyone there, but it was at a sweet house, super rad. And then all of a sudden they started making fun of this girl. Really not chill, but like … margaritas, amirite? Anyways, I don’t remember what happened because I got hit in the head with a log or something. Do you remember what happened in The Rage: Carrie 2?

Pop Quiz Hot Shot!

1) Why does Lisa kill herself?

2) How do they find out that Eric, one of super cool dudes, was involved?

3) What traumatic event brings Rachel and Jesse together?

4) Why does Rachel have telekinetic powers?

5) What triggers the explosive event this time?

Bonus Question: So, what does Jesse major in in college?

Answers