Preview – Bad Movie Twins

House of the Dead Preview

Jamie sits nervously in Judge Stranger’s Chambers, Ms. LaRouche at his side. “Ahem, well, given the testimony we just heard in the courtroom, I urge the prosecution to drop the case,” the judge says bluntly and Jamie holds his breath. “We agree,” the prosecutor says with deep seriousness. Jamie and Ms. LaRouche jump to their feet and hug. A cheer can be heard from outside as the news is relayed to the growing crowd. “We agree,” the prosecutor continues, “because we are prepared to charge a different suspect.” Now Jamie is a bit confused. He looks to Ms. LaRouche to share in this confusion, but is even more confused when he finds that she seems decidedly not confused. Suddenly the prosecutor jumps forward and slaps handcuffs on Jamie’s wrists. “What thuuuuuu,” Jamie says dumbly. Suddenly it all becomes clear. The whole time Jamie thought he was cleverly building a case to find a poor young man innocent, when he was really building a case against himself. “Right down to the well toned parkour muscles,” he grumbles in wonder, giving said muscles a quick squeeze to see if they might pop the handcuffs clean off. Alas. The judge looks at a calendar and pauses thoughtfully. “I think we shall set the trial start date for October 31st.” Jamie is startled. “But that’s three months away,” he sputters. “Yes, not nearly enough time for the prosecution to prepare,” the prosecutor says even more seriously than before, “I’d prefer the fourth Thursday of the following month, if possible.” The judge ponders this and gives a quick nod and waves them out of his chambers. As two police officers grab Jamie by the arms, he asks where they’re taking him. They chuckle and reply, “We call it… the House of the Dead.” That’s right! We are starting off the ‘Why are we watching this?’ cycle with the Uwe Boll film House of the Dead. This cycle will be top to bottom trash that we don’t want to watch. Uwe Boll fits the bill. Yay? Let’s go!

House of the Dead (2003) – BMeTric: 90.1; Notability: 29

StreetCreditReport.com – BMeTric: top 0.8%; Notability: top 26.8%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 1.7%; Higher BMeT: The Room, Gigli; Higher Notability: Dickie Roberts: Former Child Star, Gods and Generals, Bad Boys II, The Matrix Revolutions, Hollywood Homicide, Scary Movie 3, Brother Bear, Cheaper by the Dozen, Duplex, Timeline, Agent Cody Banks, View from the Top, Marci X, Legally Blonde 2: Red, White & Blonde, National Security, Cradle 2 the Grave, Head of State, Malibu’s Most Wanted, Mona Lisa Smile, Daddy Day Care, and 47 more; Lower RT: Dorm Daze, The Foreigner, Hangman’s Curse, Gold Diggers; Notes: I did confirm, Uwe Boll never played on television in the 90s, which makes sense, all of his major films came in the 00s basically. Seen both the higher BMeTs, but I haven’t seen any of the lover RTs which is crazy. Well … not that crazy, I don’t think any of those four were released widely, so they’d have to be Friends.

Leonard Maltin – BOMB – Low-grade horror movie, based on the video-game series, which charts the all-to-predictable fates of some addle-brained young people drawn to an island inhabited by zombies. Sloppily made and mind-numbingly inept. Prochnow’s character is named Captain Kirk. How clever! Followed by a TV movie, House of the Dead 2.

(Slammed. I had to snag the maltin review for this one since I knew it would be a BOMB. They’ve been so rare over time I feel like.)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=htx3igt0ksk/

(Brought to you by SEGA lol. “Awful zombies”. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. “They are everywhere” lol. This trailer is hilarious.)

Directors – Uwe Boll – ( Known For: Postal; Assault on Wall Street; Rampage; Far Cry; Seed; Rampage: Capital Punishment; In the Name of the King: Two Worlds; 1968 Tunnel Rats; Rampage: President Down; Stoic; Blubberella; Attack on Darfur; Heart of America; In the Name of the King: The Last Mission; Blackwoods; The Final Storm; First Shift; Auschwitz; Sanctimony; Amoklauf; Future BMT: BloodRayne; BMT: In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale; Alone in the Dark; House of the Dead; Notes: My understanding is his big budget career ended the instant they closed a German loophole for film financing. My vague understanding of how it would work: A person makes, say $200 million and owes $100 million in taxes. Instead though they “invest” $100 million in a Uwe Boll production which in turn is paid back to the production studio in various ways. The movie makes no money and The entire $100 million is a tax write off, but you make money from the back end and also in various payments during production as well for catering and stuff. Am I right? No idea, but it makes some sense. But alas, no longer possible either way. Only one more to go, phew.)

Writers – Mark A. Altman – ( Known For: Room 6; Free Enterprise; All Souls Day: Dia de los Muertos; The Thirst; BMT: House of the Dead; Notes: Wrote for Dead or Alive 3, the video game, which is maybe how he ended up writing the screenplay for this.)

Dan Bates – (Notes: Apparently worked in the music industry prior to becoming a producer. This was the last film he produced.)

Dave Parker – ( Known For: Tales of Halloween; BMT: House of the Dead; Notes: Mostly an editor, and almost exclusively for horror films.)

Actors – Jonathan Cherry – ( Known For: Final Destination 2; Goon; What If; Goon: Last of the Enforcers; Wolfcop; The Novice; Die Alone; Another WolfCop; Love on the Side; Dark Match; SuperGrid; Future BMT: Kin; They; BMT: House of the Dead; Notes: Still acts in stuff, although I don’t specifically recognize anything. Love for Starters looks fun/dumb: “To save her father’s lake-front restaurant, a talented interior designer must partner with the celebrity chef her father hired without her knowledge to revamp the place before time runs out.” He’s the chef.)

Tyron Leitso – ( Known For: Assault on Wall Street; Far Cry; Seed; BMT: House of the Dead; Notes: Was one of the main characters in Wonderfalls, a show that looked so interesting and good back in the day, then no one watched it and it got cancelled.)

Clint Howard – ( Known For: Solo: A Star Wars Story; Apollo 13; How the Grinch Stole Christmas; Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery; Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me; Austin Powers in Goldmember; Night at the Museum: Battle of the Smithsonian; The Jungle Book; Cinderella Man; Frost/Nixon; Backdraft; Splash; That Thing You Do!; Cocoon; Far and Away; The Rocketeer; Parenthood; Terrifier 3; Edtv; The Many Adventures of Winnie the Pooh; Future BMT: The Waterboy; Fun with Dick and Jane; Gung Ho; BMT: Halloween; Tango & Cash; Little Nicky; The Cat in the Hat; The Dilemma; House of the Dead; Barb Wire; Notes: He has the best career. Just does random stuff and looks weird doing it half the time. He was in Seinfeld, when the go to L.A., in in Star Trek, in Terrifier 3. Just great stuff.)

Budget/Gross – $12,000,000 / Domestic: $10,249,719 (Worldwide: $13,818,181)

(Hmmmm, yeah that sounds right I guess. Doesn’t really jive with what I said, but possibly the idea is the Budget is $12 million, but the investment is larger or something? I don’t really get how you avoid taxes when you don’t lose that much money, but maybe it is to avoid like … $1 million in taxes?)

Rotten Tomatoes – 3% (2/59): A grungy, disjointed, mostly brainless mess of a film, House of the Dead is nonetheless loaded with unintentional laughs.

(I mean, I don’t really agree, in that I find Uwe Boll films to be surprisingly humorless, intentional or not. It just makes you sad to realize there was this machine consuming IP and spitting out garbage intentionally.)

Reviewer Highlight: To properly convey the jaw-dropping shoddiness of this videogame-based ‘horror’ ‘movie,’ one must approach what scientists call Absolute Stupid. – Scott Brown, Entertainment Weekly

Poster – House of the Judge Dredd

(It’s funny this came out in 2003 because I remember being kind of creeped out by the DVD box in the local video store. Tells you how far I’ve come with horror as a genre. Anyway, I actually like the red tone and the font. Doesn’t give a whole lot, but it’s still perfectly fine. B.)

Tagline(s) – You won’t last the night (C-)

(Given what I now know about this film, the tagline and the poster are very strange. Definitely seems like they made everything based on the video game and then Uwe Boll just… did what he wanted. That’s fine, probably, as reading about the plot of the video game makes me think they might have been sued by the makers of Resident Evil if they hewed too closely. Oh and the tagline is meh.)

Keyword(s) – top BMeT

Top 10: Fifty Shades of Grey (2015), Snow White (2025), The Twilight Saga: New Moon (2009), Green Lantern (2011), Batman & Robin (1997), Batman Forever (1995), The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1 (2011), Ghost Rider (2007), The Happening (2008), A Good Day to Die Hard (2013)

Future BMT: 99.4 Snow White (2025), 96.4 Disaster Movie (2008), 93.6 Date Movie (2006), 90.7 Vampires Suck (2010), 89.1 BloodRayne (2005), 88.1 Winnie-the-Pooh: Blood and Honey (2023), 86.9 Street Fighter (1994), 86.6 The Adventures of Sharkboy and Lavagirl 3-D (2005), 84.1 Spy Kids 4: All the Time in the World (2011), 83.1 Inspector Gadget (1999), 81.5 You Got Served (2004), 80.1 Jeepers Creepers III (2017), 80.0 Jonas Brothers: The 3D Concert Experience (2009), 79.6 Daddy Day Camp (2007), 79.4 Home Alone 3 (1997), 79.3 Boogeyman (2005), 78.8 Shark Night (2011), 78.2 Jeepers Creepers: Reborn (2022), 78.2 The Oogieloves in the Big Balloon Adventure (2012), 78.2 Who’s Your Caddy? (2007)

BMT: Epic Movie (2007), Meet the Spartans (2008), Battlefield Earth (2000), Dragonball Evolution (2009), Catwoman (2004), Jack and Jill (2011), Batman & Robin (1997), Son of the Mask (2005), The Room (2003), The Emoji Movie (2017), Cats (2019), Gigli (2003), Scary Movie V (2013), Alone in the Dark (2005), Jaws: The Revenge (1987), The Last Airbender (2010), Mortal Kombat: Annihilation (1997), House of the Dead (2003), The Wicker Man (2006), Manos: The Hands of Fate (1966), Madame Web (2024), Superman IV: The Quest for Peace (1987), Fifty Shades of Grey (2015), Slender Man (2018), Speed 2: Cruise Control (1997), Dumb and Dumberer: When Harry Met Lloyd (2003), Jaws 3-D (1983), Troll 2 (1990), The Love Guru (2008), Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2 (2004), In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale (2007), The Cat in the Hat (2003), The Avengers (1998), Halloween: Resurrection (2002), The Fog (2005), Fantastic Four (2015), Rollerball (2002), Baby Geniuses (1999), Spice World (1997), From Justin to Kelly (2003), Crossroads (2002), Dungeons & Dragons (2000), Norbit (2007), …

Best Options (Uwe Boll): 90.2 House of the Dead (2003), 89.1 BloodRayne (2005)

(Yup, now we only have one more to go (and then however many of his other films we’d consider doing as Friends, which is maybe only one or two I think, although there are quite a few direct-to-video sequels which we’d have to think about).)

Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 22) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Jürgen Prochnow is No. 9 billed in House of the Dead and No. 4 billed in Primeval, which also stars Orlando Jones (No. 3 billed) who is in Say It Isn’t So (No. 3 billed) which also stars Chris Klein (No. 1 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 2 billed) => (9 + 4) + (3 + 3) + (1 + 2) = 22. If we were to watch The Glass House we can get the HoE Number down to 20.

Notes – Reviews were so bad that Danish cinemas refused to show it.

This is the last film to use the turn-table technique for 360° shots. The risk of actors being hurt or killed by the fast-moving camera was too high.

Jonathan Cherry burned 30% of his hand on the second day of shooting. The scene on the bridge, where he hurts his hand, was shot later, to explain the bandage he had to wear.

Thirty-two video clips from the original game appear in several parts of the movie. Twenty-six appear during the 10-minute battle in front of the house. The remaining 6 are used as transitions prior to the battle.

When asked how she felt about getting naked for the first time onscreen in her swimming scene, Erica Durance said, “I was working on a show once where I had to play a character who was needy and whimsical, which was very different from my personality. That was more embarrassing because you really have to be vulnerable with your inner thoughts, whereas nudity is just about your body. It’s easier to shut yourself off outside than to really reveal your inner thoughts.”

Saw IV Preview

Back in the jury room, Wrestlemania is steamed. Beet red, a vein pulsating on his forehead, he lunges at Jamie accusing him of sabotaging his attempts to attend Wrestlemania. The rest of the jury hold him back. He’s still the last hold out and Jamie has one more trick up his sleeve, but he’s afraid it might break Wrestlemania’s sanity. “This has nothing to do with Wrestlemania, this is about a man’s life,” he states solemnly. Suddenly the gravity of the situation dawns on Wrestlemania’s face and his shoulders sag. “But… but he’s guilty,” he rasps weakly, his eyes pleading with Jamie to not make him change his vote. Jamie sighs. Time for the grand finale. They return to the courtroom and Jamie walks to the front of the room. “Ladies and gentlemen. We are asked to believe that this man… this boy… escaped the crime scene via elite parkour skillz.” Everyone nods. There was no doubt about that. “But look at the arms and legs of the accused. Do they look like they are capable of elite parkour moves?” A murmur arises from the crowd. Now that they look closely, the boy does seem rather weak. “Look at my arms and legs,” Jamie says, snapping off his snap-off track suit. The murmur grows louder and reaches ear-splitting proportions as he demonstrates some of the necessary parkour moves by scrambling around on the walls and ceiling of the courtroom. Wrestlemania stands, wild eyed and foaming at the mouth. “I didn’t want to have to do this! This could have been easy!” Jamie lands in front of him, “You saw them, didn’t you? You saw both the accused and murderer on that day. Who are you protecting?!” Jamie bellows. “I didn’t see two people,” Wrestlemania insists, “I saw four.” That’s right! We’re also going to see four when we watch Saw IV. The Saw franchise may as well have been created by Franchise Man. What wasn’t created by Franchise Man? Another film where someone gets their hands chopped off: Vibrations. It’s a classic… in that it’s about a musician who gets his hands chopped off and then builds robot hands to become an electronic music wizard. As I said… classic. Let’s go!

Saw IV (2007) – BMeTric: 37.4; Notability: 44

StreetCreditReport.com – BMeTric: top 16.4%; Notability: top 8.0%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 17.0%; Higher BMeT: Epic Movie, In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale, Norbit, I Know Who Killed Me, Bratz, Aliens vs. Predator: Requiem, Daddy Day Camp, Who’s Your Caddy?, Are We Done Yet?, Postal, Delta Farce, Captivity, The Comebacks, Underdog, The Hills Have Eyes 2, Code Name: The Cleaner, The Seeker: The Dark Is Rising, Ghost Rider, Primeval, The Ten, and 21 more; Higher Notability: Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer, Evan Almighty, National Treasure: Book of Secrets, Fred Claus, Rush Hour 3, Elizabeth: The Golden Age, Epic Movie, The Invasion, The Comebacks, Alvin and the Chipmunks, Lions for Lambs, Underdog, August Rush, Wild Hogs, The Reaping, Goal II: Living the Dream, Halloween, Mr. Magorium’s Wonder Emporium, Next, The Game Plan; Lower RT: Daddy Day Camp, Epic Movie, Because I Said So, Code Name: The Cleaner, In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale, Delta Farce, 88 Minutes, Good Luck Chuck, Who’s Your Caddy?, Are We Done Yet?, The Reaping, Silk, License to Wed, The Number 23, Premonition, Pathfinder, Postal, Norbit, I Know Who Killed Me, Perfect Stranger, and 22 more; Notes:

Leonard Maltin – 2.5 stars – Jigsaw is dead, but his ingenious torture devices mysteriously continue with law enforcement agents Mandylor and Patterson on the trail. We also learn how and why a successful architectural engineer morphed into this Satan. Decent rebound from its lackluster predecessor, this entry is less claustrophobic than usual, though many performances are typically subpar – which is almost part of the perverse appeal.

(I’m actually a bit shocked he would give it such a good review. My impression was always that he didn’t like horror films and he especially didn’t like the ones which bordered on the torture genre. The beginning of the review sounded like he was reading ad copy for the film though, so maybe he didn’t write it …)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OxwdZMMymqY/

(Mother flipping twisted! More like a teaser trailer, and doesn’t really get into the absurdity of this movie. In a way Saw IV is either the final film in a truly absurd four film arc. Or, it is the beginning of the late-stage Saw franchise after an initial self-contained trilogy. Either way, it is weird and wild stuff.)

Actors – Tobin Bell – ( Known For: Goodfellas; Saw; The Firm; Manhattan; Mississippi Burning; Tootsie; In the Line of Fire; The Road to El Dorado; The Quick and the Dead; Saw X; Sophie’s Choice; The Verdict; Malice; 12 Feet Deep; Boogeyman 2; An Innocent Man; The 4th Floor; Boogeyman 3; The Call; Belzebuth; Future BMT: Saw V; Saw 3D; Jigsaw; Boiling Point; Loose Cannons; BMT: Saw II; Saw III; Saw IV; Notes: He does have an interesting career, but I went through that for the last Saw films. Long story short: he didn’t really break out as an actor at all until he was quite old, and was never famous until Saw when he was in his 60s.)

Scott Patterson – ( Known For: Batman: Gotham by Gaslight; Her Best Move; Con Man; A Boy Called Hate; A Beer Tale; Future BMT: Saw V; Saw VI; Little Big League; Three Wishes; BMT: Saw IV; Notes: Was in 153 episodes of Gilmore Girls. He was also in the fifth and uncredited in the sixth.)

Louis Ferreira – ( Known For: Shooter; Dawn of the Dead; Naked Lunch; Hello Mary Lou: Prom Night II; Life on the Line; The Marsh; Scenes of the Crime; Chestnut: Hero of Central Park; Blood & Donuts; Savage Messiah; The Lazarus Child; The Big Slice; Fallen Arches; Future BMT: Stella; BMT: Saw IV; Cocktail; Notes: Has been in a ton of television shows. Including one, improbably, called 1-800-Missing. This is a little like how once, in college, I was up until 3AM doing some homework, and suddenly a very random TV show came on. It looked a little like Criminal Minds, but it was the worst acting I’d ever seen … I never figured out what it was. Could have been 1-800-Missing.)

Budget/Gross – $10 million / Domestic: $63,300,095 (Worldwide: $139,352,633)

(My god. And that is why they’ve made a good ten films of this mega franchise. It just converts $10 million dollar bills into $100 million dollar bills.)

Rotten Tomatoes – 18% (15/83): Saw IV is more disturbing than compelling, with material already seen in the prior installments.

(… Like literally? Literally there is material from prior installments in it. But also yes, the film is ludicrous and doesn’t really tread too much new ground. But how can you when the entire point of your franchise is to be as gross as possible?)

Reviewer Highlight: The reports of torture porn’s demise may have been greatly exaggerated, but this fourth entry in the mutilate-yourself-or-die series joins what may be the worst genre of the decade: the lamely ”sympathetic” serial-killer backstory. – Owen Gleiberman, EW

Poster – Saw IV: The Final Chapter

(I don’t really believe this is the official poster, but we err on the side of IMDb. Is this supposed to somehow be sexy? Like why is this pig masked person wearing those boots? This whole thing makes me uncomfortable. NC-17.)

Tagline(s) – It’s a Trap (F)

(Oh, come on.)

Keyword(s) – top BMeT

Top 10: Fifty Shades of Grey (2015), The Twilight Saga: New Moon (2009), Green Lantern (2011), Batman & Robin (1997), Batman Forever (1995), The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1 (2011), Ghost Rider (2007), The Happening (2008), A Good Day to Die Hard (2013), The Mummy (2017)

Future BMT: 96.3 Disaster Movie (2008), 93.6 Date Movie (2006), 90.7 Vampires Suck (2010), 90.1 House of the Dead (2003), 89.0 BloodRayne (2005), 87.9 Winnie-the-Pooh: Blood and Honey (2023), 86.9 Street Fighter (1994), 86.6 The Adventures of Sharkboy and Lavagirl 3-D (2005), 84.1 Spy Kids 4: All the Time in the World (2011), 83.1 Inspector Gadget (1999), 81.5 You Got Served (2004), 80.0 Jonas Brothers: The 3D Concert Experience (2009), 80.0 Jeepers Creepers III (2017), 79.5 Daddy Day Camp (2007), 79.4 Home Alone 3 (1997), 79.3 Boogeyman (2005), 78.7 Shark Night (2011), 78.2 The Oogieloves in the Big Balloon Adventure (2012), 78.1 Who’s Your Caddy? (2007), 78.0 Jeepers Creepers: Reborn (2022)

BMT: Epic Movie (2007), Meet the Spartans (2008), Battlefield Earth (2000), Dragonball Evolution (2009), Catwoman (2004), Jack and Jill (2011), Batman & Robin (1997), Son of the Mask (2005), The Room (2003), The Emoji Movie (2017), Cats (2019), Gigli (2003), Scary Movie V (2013), Alone in the Dark (2005), Jaws: The Revenge (1987), The Last Airbender (2010), Mortal Kombat: Annihilation (1997), The Wicker Man (2006), Manos: The Hands of Fate (1966), Madame Web (2024), Superman IV: The Quest for Peace (1987), Fifty Shades of Grey (2015), Speed 2: Cruise Control (1997), Slender Man (2018), Dumb and Dumberer: When Harry Met Lloyd (2003), Jaws 3-D (1983), Troll 2 (1990), The Love Guru (2008), Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2 (2004), In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale (2007), The Cat in the Hat (2003), The Avengers (1998), Crossroads (2002), Halloween: Resurrection (2002), The Fog (2005), Fantastic Four (2015), Rollerball (2002), Baby Geniuses (1999), Spice World (1997), From Justin to Kelly (2003), Dungeons & Dragons (2000), Norbit (2007), …

Best Options (imdb-keyword-severed-hand): 74.2 The Spirit (2008), 71.1 Texas Chainsaw (2013), 59.3 Suburban Commando (1991), 58.0 Legion (2010), 57.2 Robin Hood (2018), 50.8 Resident Evil: The Final Chapter (2016)

(Wait … that many bad films have severed hands in it. Fun fact: Saw IV doesn’t really have a severed hand. It is like … a whole person is torn apart, which I guess technically means his hand was severed, but it isn’t really that. But Vibrations DEFINITELY has exactly two severed hands.)

Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 17) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Tobin Bell is No. 1 billed in Saw IV and No. 1 billed in Saw II, which also stars Donnie Wahlberg (No. 2 billed) who is in Righteous Kill (No. 6 billed) which also stars Al Pacino (No. 2 billed) who is in 88 Minutes (No. 1 billed) which also stars Leelee Sobieski (No. 3 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 1 billed) => (1 + 1) + (2 + 6) + (2 + 1) + (3 + 1) = 17. If we were to watch Mobsters we can get the HoE Number down to 17.

Notes – The seamless transitions between separate scenes in the film were not created using digital effects, but were done practically. For these transitions, the sets were built in such a way that two separate scenes could be filmed in one shot without interruption.

A coroner was on set at all times for the autopsy scene.

The autopsy scene was passed completely uncut by the MPAA.

In the making of the “Mausoleum Trap”, prosthetic thread was used on both actors. Louis Ferreira really couldn’t speak during filming; however, Kevin Rushton could actually see.

The Tobin Bell body cast used in the autopsy scene took two weeks to be constructed.

D3: The Mighty Ducks Preview

And by back-up plan he means bringing “back up” all the points he was already making (and more). Soon Jamie is back in the courtroom, having cited Resolution 4125 from 1933, whereby Hallston established that jury members had the right to cross examine witnesses. The entire third grade classroom of Dark Territory Elementary is shown a super rad video of Jamie himself performing samurai moves with his sword and then asked simple memory-based questions. They all fail. The teacher intervenes. “But sir, I was not distracted by the rad/horrifying nature of the murder,” she insists. Jamie scoffs. He measures out 300 yards between the teacher and the accused and asks for identification. No problem. He then stands, shirtless, next to the young man. The teacher’s eyes widen and a murmur can be heard from the gallery. The teacher has to admit, “It’s uncanny. I can’t tell the difference.” Three more of the witnesses give him a thumbs up. It’s now 9-3 for ‘not guilty.’ Suddenly, a hubbub can be heard in the back of the room. Ms. LaRouche’s boss, Mr. Duckworth, is loudly whispering and making dramatic hand gestures at her. “I demand to know what is going on here. I understand we want to set this young man free, but do we need this… this…” They hear him hiss, pointing at Jamie, “riff raff being the one doing it? We’ll never work in this town again!” Ms. LaRouche is trying to calm him down, but the damage is done. The jury can now smell blood in the water. They must be on the right track when even the big wig defense lawyers are getting cold feet. Two more votes change. Just one more hold out… Wrestlemania. “Thank you, Mr. Duckworth,” Jamie says softly and Ms. LaRouche smiles slyly. That’s right! Thank you, indeed, Mr. Ducksworth. Without you forcing Gordon Bombay into coaching hockey, we wouldn’t get to watch all three for BMT. Let’s go!

D3: The Mighty Ducks (1996) – BMeTric: 45.7; Notability: 41

StreetCreditReport.com – BMeTric: top 6.4%; Notability: top 18.8%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 20.3%; Higher BMeT: Barb Wire, Kazaam, Bio-Dome, Striptease, The Island of Dr. Moreau, The Crow: City of Angels, Ed, Hellraiser: Bloodline, The Stupids, Mr. Wrong, Spy Hard, Solo, Adrenalin: Fear the Rush, The Glimmer Man, First Kid, Eddie; Higher Notability: Jingle All the Way, The Fan, Chain Reaction, Spy Hard, Daylight, Mulholland Falls, 101 Dalmatians, Eye for an Eye, Up Close & Personal, Eddie, The Associate, Dear God, The Island of Dr. Moreau, Sgt. Bilko, The Crow: City of Angels, The Adventures of Pinocchio, In Love and War, Space Truckers, Hellraiser: Bloodline, Dunston Checks In, and 27 more; Lower RT: The Dentist, Big Bully, Adrenalin: Fear the Rush, Getting Away with Murder, Bio-Dome, Kazaam, Ed, Mr. Wrong, Faithful, Spy Hard, Eye for an Eye, Bulletproof, Solo, Curdled, House Arrest, The Glimmer Man, In Love and War, Larger Than Life, Down Periscope, Dear God, and 30 more; Notes: This played 19 times on television in the 90s. We’ve seen 11 of the higher 15 BMeTrics which is pretty good. The Stupids is probably the weirdest gap. It only played on television two times from what I can tell … odd, seems like that should have been a Comedy Central classic.

Leonard Maltin – 2 stars – Those adolescent hockey players have won scholarships to a fancy private school, where that have a new no-nonsense coach (Nordling) and find themselves outsiders in a snooty varsity league. Oh yes – and Charlie (Jackson) has a girlfriend. The Ducks franchise has run out of steam.

(I find it incredibly interesting that MAltin gave all three films the exact same number of reviews, but they all, seemingly, are slammed for different things. The first for being predictable. The second for being preposterous. And the last for rehashing everything.)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CFSmoKm6c5A/

(Oh yeah, that’s a VHS capture if I’ve ever seen it. It is too bad that for a moment Joshua Jackson was a terrible actor. He’s a great actor as an adult, but it got a bit weird in late stage Mighty Ducks.)

Directors – Robert Lieberman – ( Known For: Fire in the Sky; The Tortured; Breakaway; Table for Five; Future BMT: All I Want for Christmas; BMT: D3: The Mighty Ducks; Notes: It is wild he directed Fire in the Sky, freaky film. For years he did television, then did a few TV movies before he died in 2023.)

Writers – Steven Brill – ( Known For: Walk of Shame; Heavyweights; Future BMT: Ready to Rumble; BMT: Little Nicky; The Mighty Ducks; D2: The Mighty Ducks; D3: The Mighty Ducks; Notes: Wow, he also wrote the screenplay for this! I genuinely find it very interesting he stuck out the whole trilogy.)

Kenneth Johnson – ( BMT: D3: The Mighty Ducks; Steel; Notes: A classic TV writer, e.g. The Incredible Hulk, and the original V miniseries. He only has a story credit here.)

Jim Burnstein – ( Known For: Love and Honor; Future BMT: Renaissance Man; BMT: D3: The Mighty Ducks; Notes: That is it, he is mostly a producer. Love and Honor looks wild. You might ask how it doesn’t qualify. It didn’t get released to enough theaters. But it stars Aimee Teegarden. You know … From Friday Night Lights. We only have one more qualifying film for her (some film called Prom?), but I genuinely forgot she was in Rings.)

Actors – Emilio Estevez – ( Known For: Mission: Impossible; The Breakfast Club; The Outsiders; Badlands; Young Guns; St. Elmo’s Fire; Bobby; Repo Man; The Way; Stakeout; Brats; The Public; Wisdom; The War at Home; Tex; Never on Tuesday; The L.A. Riot Spectacular; Sand; Future BMT: Loaded Weapon 1; Arthur and the Invisibles; Men at Work; Judgment Night; Another Stakeout; Nightmares; That Was Then… This Is Now; BMT: The Mighty Ducks; Young Guns II; Maximum Overdrive; D2: The Mighty Ducks; D3: The Mighty Ducks; Freejack; Notes: I’m running out of things to say, but let’s leave it by saying us not having done Men at Work yet with the Estevez/Sheen brothers is crazy.)

Jeffrey Nordling – ( Known For: Tron: Legacy; Sully; Quiz Show; Working Girl; Home of the Brave; Surfer, Dude; Flicka; Polish Wedding; The Locksmith; Turbulence 2: Fear of Flying; Ruby; Holy Matrimony; Love Hurts; Future BMT: Love Affair; BMT: D3: The Mighty Ducks; Notes: He kind of does one-off tv episodes at this point. He was Larry Moss in 24.)

David Selby – ( Known For: The Social Network; Equals; Unknown; White Squall; Newness; Are You Here; Inhale; End Game; Raise the Titanic; Rich and Famous; Night of Dark Shadows; Up the Sandbox; The Super Cops; Rich Kids; Back Fork; Headless Body in Topless Bar; Future BMT: Dark Shadows; Surviving Christmas; Dying Young; Intersection; BMT: D3: The Mighty Ducks; Notes: Is this a fake credit? I think this is the Dean of the school. How Joshua Jackson isn’t at least third billed is nuts. He’s the main character!)

Budget/Gross – N/A / Domestic: $22,955,097 (Worldwide: $22,955,097)

(Yeah there it is. Now we are looking at halving the output. A D4: The Might Ducks: Minor Leagues sequel was never in the works.)

Rotten Tomatoes – 20% (3/15)

(Another consensus: This movie is literally the same movie as the other two movies so why did they make it and why am I watching it?)

Reviewer Highlight: The Mighty Ducks, Minnesota’s underdog kid hockey team, are back again, in a third version of more or less the same story.

Poster – B3: The Mighty Mighty Bosstones

(Back to at least feeling more artistic. My immediate reaction though is to squint at the tiny characters on the poster and thinking “Wait, is that Coach Bombay?” Notably not their coach in this film. C+.)

Tagline(s) – No Fear. No Limits. No Brakes. Just Ducks. (B)

(Pure distilled Ducks, babbbyyyyyy. None of these things really describe the third film. In fact this is much more like the second, totally ridiculous film. Still. They were trying here.)

Keyword(s) – top BMeT

BMT: Epic Movie (2007), Meet the Spartans (2008), Battlefield Earth (2000), Dragonball Evolution (2009), Catwoman (2004), Jack and Jill (2011), Batman & Robin (1997), Son of the Mask (2005), The Room (2003), The Emoji Movie (2017), Cats (2019), Gigli (2003), Scary Movie V (2013), Alone in the Dark (2005), Jaws: The Revenge (1987), The Last Airbender (2010), Mortal Kombat: Annihilation (1997), The Wicker Man (2006), Manos: The Hands of Fate (1966), Madame Web (2024), Superman IV: The Quest for Peace (1987), Fifty Shades of Grey (2015), Speed 2: Cruise Control (1997), Slender Man (2018), Dumb and Dumberer: When Harry Met Lloyd (2003), Jaws 3-D (1983), Troll 2 (1990), The Love Guru (2008), Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2 (2004), In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale (2007), The Cat in the Hat (2003), The Avengers (1998), Crossroads (2002), Halloween: Resurrection (2002), The Fog (2005), Fantastic Four (2015), Rollerball (2002), Baby Geniuses (1999), Spice World (1997), From Justin to Kelly (2003), Dungeons & Dragons (2000), Norbit (2007), …

Best Options (franchise): 89.0 BloodRayne (2005), 84.1 Spy Kids 4: All the Time in the World (2011), 81.5 You Got Served (2004), 80.0 Jeepers Creepers III (2017), 79.5 Daddy Day Camp (2007), 79.4 Home Alone 3 (1997), 79.3 Boogeyman (2005), 78.0 Jeepers Creepers: Reborn (2022), 77.9 Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked (2011), 76.0 Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakquel (2009), 75.5 Look Who’s Talking Now (1993), 75.3 The Grudge (2019), 74.8 Paranormal Activity 4 (2012), 74.6 God’s Not Dead (2014), 72.7 Look Who’s Talking Too (1990), 72.6 The Next Karate Kid (1994), 72.3 Legally Blonde 2: Red, White & Blonde (2003), 71.6 Paranormal Activity: The Ghost Dimension (2015), 71.1 Texas Chainsaw (2013), 69.5 The Santa Clause 3: The Escape Clause (2006), 69.4 Black Christmas (2006), 69.3 Pulse (2006), 68.2 The Crow: City of Angels (1996), 68.1 Smokey and the Bandit Part 3 (1983), 67.7 Seed of Chucky (2004), 67.4 Turbo: A Power Rangers Movie (1997), 66.9 God’s Not Dead 2 (2016), 65.1 Scary Movie 4 (2006), 64.9 The Final Destination (2009), 64.8 Blair Witch (2016), 64.4 Van Wilder: The Rise of Taj (2006), 64.2 Diary of a Wimpy Kid: The Long Haul (2017), 62.2 The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor (2008), 61.8 The Grudge 2 (2006), 61.8 Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Road Chip (2015), 61.3 Madea Goes to Jail (2009), 61.2 Beethoven’s 2nd (1993), 61.2 Paranormal Activity: The Marked Ones (2014), 60.7 The Mangler (1995), 60.4 Exorcist: The Beginning (2004), 60.2 Children of the Corn II: The Final Sacrifice (1992), 60.1 Spiral (2021)

(Finally a Might Ducks film deserving of a high BMeT … but still not high enough to defeat the quality of the late stage Smokey and the Bandit sequels … which yeah, we might be watching later this year.)

Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 18) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Emilio Estevez is No. 1 billed in D3: The Mighty Ducks and No. 1 billed in Young Guns II: Blaze of Glory, which also stars Christian Slater (No. 4 billed) who is in Mindhunters (No. 4 billed) which also stars LL Cool J (No. 3 billed) who is in Rollerball (No. 2 billed) which also stars Chris Klein (No. 1 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 2 billed) => (1 + 1) + (4 + 4) + (3 + 2) + (1 + 2) = 18. If we were to watch Judgment Night we can get the HoE Number down to 14.

Notes – When Charlie gets kicked off the team by Coach Orion after the “unofficial” JV/Varsity showdown, the only other player to join Charlie in leaving the team is Fulton. This is fitting since Fulton and Charlie were the first two players to agree to become Ducks in the first movie. They were also the only two players to show up to the game that they were forced to forfeit since the rest of the team walked out on Bombay in the first movie.

Michael Cudlitz, who plays Cole, is only 2 years younger than Emilio Estevez. Cudlitz is older than most of the Mighty Ducks in the movie by 12 to 15 years.

Emilio Estevez, Joshua Jackson, Elden Henson, Shaun Weiss, Matt Doherty, Garette Ratliff Henson, Marguerite Moreau, and Vincent LaRusso are the only actors to appear in all three Mighty Ducks movies. Steven Brill, the writer of the film series also makes appearances in all three films, but as different characters. In the first film, he played Bombay’s rival lawyer Frank Huddy. In the second film, he plays a party guest who talks to Coach Bombay about fellow sport coach Pat Riley. In this film, he plays the game attendant at the Mall of America who talks to Charlie and Fulton about playing hooky, making this the only film where he doesn’t share any screen time with Emilio Estevez, but instead shares screen time with some of the Ducks players.

In this movie Scott Whyte plays the character of Scott. In D2: The Mighty Ducks (1994) he played the Icelandic hockey player, Gunnar Stahl. Interestingly enough, both of his characters seem to show a romantic interest towards Ducks player Julie “The Cat” Gaffney, played by Colombe Jacobsen-Derstine.

The dorm used by the varsity is the same dorm used in Dead Poets Society.

D2: The Mighty Ducks Preview

D2: The Mighty Ducks (1994) – BMeTric: 28.5; Notability: 55

StreetCreditReport.com – BMeTric: top 22.0%; Notability: top 6.8%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 18.9%; Higher BMeT: Police Academy: Mission to Moscow, Street Fighter, Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Next Generation, Junior, The Next Karate Kid, It’s Pat: The Movie, Double Dragon, On Deadly Ground, The Flintstones, North, The Fantastic Four, Leprechaun 2, 3 Ninjas Kick Back, Exit to Eden, Color of Night, In the Army Now, Car 54, Where Are You?, Richie Rich, Beverly Hills Cop III, Death Wish: The Face of Death, and 35 more; Higher Notability: The Flintstones, Wyatt Earp, The Shadow, Beverly Hills Cop III, Ready to Wear, Love Affair, The Scout, North, Radioland Murders, I Love Trouble, The Pagemaster, On Deadly Ground, Street Fighter, Exit to Eden, Blown Away, Drop Zone, Speechless; Lower RT: Police Academy: Mission to Moscow, It’s Pat: The Movie, Death Wish: The Face of Death, Wagons East, The Silence of the Hams, House Party 3, Car 54, Where Are You?, Holy Matrimony, Getting Even with Dad, A Low Down Dirty Shame, Major League II, Exit to Eden, Lightning Jack, Leprechaun 2, S.F.W., The Next Karate Kid, Trial by Jury, Blank Check, Intersection, The Specialist, and 26 more; Notes: This time the BMT classic Clifford is the surprising one. Played 92 times on television, only being beat by Clear and Present Danger. This played 30 times. We’ve seen 14 of the top 20 in this case, which is quite good. What is up with 1992, why have we not seen anything from 1992? So weird.

Leonard Maltin – 2 stars – Having led his rag-tag hockey team to surprise victory in The Might Ducks, Estevez now gets a chance to coach Team USA (incorporating his former Ducks) in the Junior Goodwill Games – and make a bundle of money as a potential celebrity. The kind of film gives “contrivance” a bad name”: a Disney movie with mixed messages about competition, commercialism, puberty, and sportsmanship. Kids may like it anyway. Sports stars ranging from Wayne Gretzky to KAreem Abdul Jabbar make cameo appearances.

(The mixed messages! This is a particular thing that we ended up noting on this rewatch as adults with adult brains. The film seems to have a hard time grappling with how to introduce a message about commercialism in sports without making Bombay look like a dick. And for no reason, they have a ready and willing eeeeeeeevil hockey equipment manufacturer right there! It is wild.)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OI9PFPLwEcE/

(It is like they compressed the video in 1994. What the hell? This movie is so stupid, but also like with a lot of series, often the worst film is actually the one you love the most as a kid. Wait … does it just play the Back to the Future theme in the middle of the trailer?)

Directors – Sam Weisman – ( Known For: George of the Jungle; Future BMT: What’s the Worst That Could Happen?; Dickie Roberts: Former Child Star; The Out-of-Towners; BMT: D2: The Mighty Ducks; Bye Bye Love; Notes: Nominated for three Emmys for directing an episode of L.A. Law, and for producing and directing Brooklyn Bridge. Younger brother of David Weisman who produced Kiss of the Spider Woman.)

Writers – Steven Brill – ( Known For: Walk of Shame; Heavyweights; Future BMT: Ready to Rumble; BMT: Little Nicky; The Mighty Ducks; D2: The Mighty Ducks; D3: The Mighty Ducks; Notes: Whoa! He directed the second as well. That was unexpected. I was sure he would only have character credits for the rest of the series.)

Actors – Emilio Estevez – ( Known For: Mission: Impossible; The Breakfast Club; The Outsiders; Badlands; Young Guns; St. Elmo’s Fire; Bobby; Repo Man; The Way; Stakeout; Brats; The Public; Wisdom; The War at Home; Tex; Never on Tuesday; The L.A. Riot Spectacular; Sand; Future BMT: Loaded Weapon 1; Arthur and the Invisibles; Men at Work; Judgment Night; Another Stakeout; Nightmares; That Was Then… This Is Now; BMT: The Mighty Ducks; D2: The Mighty Ducks; D3: The Mighty Ducks; Young Guns II; Maximum Overdrive; Freejack; Notes: What else is there to say about Emilio really. Part of the Brat Pack, which I guess reminds me I should watch St. Elmo’s Fire at some point.)

Kathryn Erbe – ( Known For: Stir of Echoes; What About Bob?; Mistress America; Assassination Nation; Kiss of Death; Alex Strangelove; The Addiction; The Good House; Speaking of Sex; Entropy; Dream with the Fishes; Rich in Love; 3 Backyards; Death of a Unicorn; Worst Friends; Love from Ground Zero; BMT: D2: The Mighty Ducks; Notes: I Pretty much exclusively know here as the Watson to D’Onofrio’s Holmes in Law & Order: Criminal Intent. She ended up being in more episodes than D’Onofrio, because I forgot he was replaced by Goldblum for a short time.)

Michael Tucker – ( Known For: The Purple Rose of Cairo; Radio Days; Diner; Eyes of Laura Mars; Cold Souls; Tin Men; An Unmarried Woman; Checking Out; A Night Full of Rain; 25 Hill; Future BMT: For Love or Money; ‘Til There Was You; BMT: D2: The Mighty Ducks; Notes: Nominated for three Emmys, all for L.A. Law, which I suppose is probably why he ended up being cast, as the director also worked on that show. What the hell, there was an L.A. Law TV Movie in 2002. That is wild.)

Budget/Gross – N/A / Domestic: $45,610,410 (Worldwide: $45,610,410)

(Not that much less than the first. For a Kids’ film I think that is a win? I don’t know if there is the same expectations for Kids’ films as there would be for a comedy where you maybe think the home video can parlay the theatrical to a higher gross.)

Rotten Tomatoes – 20% (3/15)

(Uh a consensus: Somehow a film that flirts with a moral against excessive commercialization is a soulless commercial cash grab.)

Reviewer Highlight: The Sequel is even more banal than the original. And it’s difficult to take seriously the new film’s position against the commercialism of sports, given Disney’s NHL ties. – Lois Alter Mark, EW

Poster – B2: The Mighty Mighty Bosstones

(You can tell they know exactly what’s up by putting the craziest team in the whole film, Trinidad and Tabago, on the poster with their tie-dye shirts. This looks a little rough compared to the first. Or should I say rushed. C-)

Tagline(s) – The Puck Stops Here! (C+)

(I like the effort. Obviously much better than the first. But like… what does this mean?)

Keyword(s) – top BMeT

BMT: Epic Movie (2007), Meet the Spartans (2008), Battlefield Earth (2000), Dragonball Evolution (2009), Catwoman (2004), Jack and Jill (2011), Batman & Robin (1997), Son of the Mask (2005), The Room (2003), The Emoji Movie (2017), Cats (2019), Gigli (2003), Scary Movie V (2013), Alone in the Dark (2005), Jaws: The Revenge (1987), The Last Airbender (2010), Mortal Kombat: Annihilation (1997), The Wicker Man (2006), Manos: The Hands of Fate (1966), Madame Web (2024), Superman IV: The Quest for Peace (1987), Fifty Shades of Grey (2015), Speed 2: Cruise Control (1997), Slender Man (2018), Dumb and Dumberer: When Harry Met Lloyd (2003), Jaws 3-D (1983), Troll 2 (1990), The Love Guru (2008), Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2 (2004), In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale (2007), The Cat in the Hat (2003), The Avengers (1998), Crossroads (2002), Halloween: Resurrection (2002), The Fog (2005), Fantastic Four (2015), Rollerball (2002), Baby Geniuses (1999), Spice World (1997), From Justin to Kelly (2003), Dungeons & Dragons (2000), Norbit (2007), …

(Again, these are beloved films so the BMeTric will be muted. I wonder if we’ll ever actually watch all of the Madea films though.)

Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 18) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Emilio Estevez is No. 1 billed in D2: The Mighty Ducks and No. 1 billed in Young Guns II: Blaze of Glory, which also stars Christian Slater (No. 4 billed) who is in Mindhunters (No. 4 billed) which also stars LL Cool J (No. 3 billed) who is in Rollerball (No. 2 billed) which also stars Chris Klein (No. 1 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 2 billed) => (1 + 1) + (4 + 4) + (3 + 2) + (1 + 2) = 18. If we were to watch Judgment Night we can get the HoE Number down to 14.

Notes – The Ducks who appeared in the first film but did not return for this one are: Dave Karp (Aaron Schwartz), Peter Mark (J.D. Daniels), Terry Hall (Jussie Smollett), Tammy Duncan (Jane Plank), and Tommy Duncan (Danny Tamberelli).

The scene after the first game with Iceland where Coach Bombay makes the team do sprints is based on Herb Brooks’ 1980 US Olympic team when they tied the Norwegian national team in an exhibition game. The team skated for about an hour even though the rink manager had turned the lights off.

Joss Ackland was apparently unavailable to reprise his role as Hans, and his position in the film was replaced by Jan Rubes as Jan, Hans’ brother. Hans’ non-appearance in the film was explained as him going back to Germany to visit his mother.

Maria Ellingsen, the actress who plays the Iceland trainer, was in fact born in Reykjavík, Iceland and taught the actors playing the Icelandic hockey team how to speak her native tongue.

Iceland’s uniforms are the same colors of the Hawks in The Mighty Ducks (1992).

The Mighty Ducks Preview

The Mighty Ducks (1992) – BMeTric: 16.3; Notability: 50

StreetCreditReport.com – BMeTric: top 20.4%; Notability: top 5.2%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 15.3%; Higher BMeT: Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot (22), Honey, I Blew Up the Kid (47), Cool World (58), Pet Sematary II (29), Children of the Corn II: The Final Sacrifice (34), Toys (56), 3 Ninjas (60), Sleepwalkers (54), Hellraiser III: Hell on Earth (42), Poison Ivy (37), Freejack (29), Evil Toons (19), Sidekicks (101), Aces: Iron Eagle III (54), Beethoven (18), Tom and Jerry: The Movie (1), Buffy the Vampire Slayer (44), Christopher Columbus: The Discovery (27), Dr. Giggles (14), Encino Man (59), and 31 more; Higher Notability: Home Alone 2: Lost in New York, Toys, Cool World, Newsies, The Bodyguard, Honey, I Blew Up the Kid, Tom and Jerry: The Movie, Freejack, Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot, Memoirs of an Invisible Man, Universal Soldier, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Innocent Blood; Lower RT: Once Upon a Crime…, Live Wire, Folks!, Year of the Comet, Love Crimes, Frozen Assets, Cool World, Man Trouble, The Opposite Sex and How to Live with Them, Christopher Columbus: The Discovery, Passed Away, Mr. Baseball, Mom and Dad Save the World, The Distinguished Gentleman, Ladybugs, Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot, Tom and Jerry: The Movie, Aces: Iron Eagle III, The Gun in Betty Lou’s Handbag, Mo’ Money, and 16 more; Notes: Sidekicks is incredible. A League of Their Own, A River Runs Through It, and the somewhat odd film Hero are the only others which breaks the 100 plays from 1992. But Sidekicks?! Man, Chuck Norris had some juice! We’ve only seen 7 of those top 20 by BMeTric which is somewhat unimpressive. Quite surprising.

Leonard Maltin – 2 Stars – Harmless, cliched Disney yarn of self-centered yuppie lawyer Estevez who’s busted for drunk-driving, ordered to do community service, and assigned to coach a ragtag inner-city peewee hockey team. Guess what happens next. (Anaheim-based pro hockey team was formed by Disney in 1993 called … you guessed it.) Followed by D2: The Mighty Ducks, D3: The Mighty Ducks, an animated series, and a TVM based on that series.

(Oh yeah, there was a movie based on the show. It has 700 votes on IMDb, so not exactly tearing it up. And bullshit, it isn’t even a real movie. It is just the first three episodes of the show! Maltin, you have to do better man.)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Um_JU7HpSYQ/

(Ha, the quality of this trailer is insane. I assume it was ripped off of a VHS. Even then … reducing it to 720x480ish it still is completely ridiculous looking. Oh the trailer? Looks fun as fuck.)

Directors – Stephen Herek – ( Known For: Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure; Rock Star; Mr. Holland’s Opus; Critters; Our Little Secret; Afterlife of the Party; Dog Gone; The Chaperone; The Great Gilly Hopkins; Future BMT: 101 Dalmatians; The Three Musketeers; Don’t Tell Mom the Babysitter’s Dead; Life or Something Like It; Man of the House; Holy Man; BMT: The Mighty Ducks; Notes: Still directs. He was a producer and director on the MacGyver reboot, which seems to have kept him busy.)

Writers – Steven Brill – ( Known For: Walk of Shame; Heavyweights; Future BMT: Ready to Rumble; BMT: Little Nicky; The Mighty Ducks; D2: The Mighty Ducks; D3: The Mighty Ducks; Notes: I don’t know how, but somehow he got hooked into the Sandler machine prior to Little Nicky in bit parts, and then wrote Little Nicky and has continued to act a bit in random Sandler films.)

Actors – Emilio Estevez – ( Known For: Mission: Impossible; The Breakfast Club; The Outsiders; Badlands; Young Guns; St. Elmo’s Fire; Bobby; Repo Man; The Way; Stakeout; Brats; The Public; Wisdom; The War at Home; Tex; Never on Tuesday; The L.A. Riot Spectacular; Sand; Future BMT: Loaded Weapon 1; Arthur and the Invisibles; Men at Work; Judgment Night; Another Stakeout; Nightmares; That Was Then… This Is Now; BMT: The Mighty Ducks; D2: The Mighty Ducks; D3: The Mighty Ducks; Young Guns II; Maximum Overdrive; Freejack; Notes: Mostly directs now, and apparently is planning on directing a third Young Guns film? Not sure how that’s going to work.)

Joss Ackland – ( Known For: The Hunt for Red October; Lethal Weapon 2; Bill & Ted’s Bogus Journey; K-19: The Widowmaker; Miracle on 34th Street; Watership Down; Flawless; The Three Musketeers; The Four Musketeers: Milady’s Revenge; The House That Dripped Blood; Surviving Picasso; No Good Deed; A Zed & Two Noughts; Lady Jane; The Sicilian; Asylum; Firelight; The Thief and the Cobbler; The Little Prince; Mother’s Boys; Future BMT: Nowhere to Run; My Giant; A Kid in King Arthur’s Court; Once Upon a Crime…; BMT: The Mighty Ducks; D3: The Mighty Ducks; Notes: I randomly watched The Hunt for Red October and Lethal Weapon 2 pretty much back to back and I did a double take. He probably has the best villain in any Lethal Weapon film.)

Lane Smith – ( Known For: Network; My Cousin Vinny; Red Dawn; The Legend of Bagger Vance; Places in the Heart; Rooster Cogburn; Blue Collar; Prince of the City; Frances; Over the Edge; Prison; The Hi-Lo Country; The Bad News Bears in Breaking Training; Resurrection; The Last American Hero; Honeysuckle Rose; Between the Lines; Night Game; Purple Hearts; Weeds; Future BMT: Air America; Son in Law; The Distinguished Gentleman; The Scout; BMT: The Mighty Ducks; Notes: Died in 2005. Apparently he sang songs on the Lois & Clark tv show in the 90s? Something tells me that is maybe a fake credit. There is no mention of this on Wikipedia. Maybe he just sang a song in the show or something.)

Budget/Gross – $10,000,000 / Domestic: $50,752,337 (Worldwide: $50,755,845)

(And that is how a phenomenon is born. Sigh, where have all the $10 million films gone. For real, look at this film … looks at how many actors are there. Half of them become like actually famous actors when they grow up. How do you make this for $10 million? The ice time alone!)

Rotten Tomatoes – 27% (8/30): The Mighty Ducks has feel-good goals but only scores a penalty shot for predictability.

(Booooooooooooooooooooooo. This is a good movie. These days if this film was released people’s heads would explode. It would get like 90% on RT and top the Netflix charts.)

Reviewer Highlight: It must be said that this movie is sweet and innocent, and that at a certain level it might appeal to younger kids. I doubt if its ambitions reach much beyond that. – Roger Ebert, Chicago Sun-Times

Poster – The Mighty Mighty Bosstones

(They really cannot quit Goldberg. I don’t blame them. Chunky kids were my jam in kid’s comedy. Ham from The Sandlot. Larry from The Big Green. Zach from Son-in-law. I like the creativity with the poster. Very modern too. Extreme closeups are very common now. Font is nice with the speed streaks. I’m not in love with it, but I also don’t hate it. B-.)

Tagline(s) – He’s never coached. They’ve never won. Together they’ll learn everything about winning! (D)

(My word. No! Won and winning? You kidding?)

Keyword(s) – top BMeT

BMT: Epic Movie (2007), Meet the Spartans (2008), Battlefield Earth (2000), Dragonball Evolution (2009), Catwoman (2004), Jack and Jill (2011), Batman & Robin (1997), Son of the Mask (2005), The Room (2003), The Emoji Movie (2017), Cats (2019), Gigli (2003), Scary Movie V (2013), Alone in the Dark (2005), Jaws: The Revenge (1987), The Last Airbender (2010), Mortal Kombat: Annihilation (1997), The Wicker Man (2006), Manos: The Hands of Fate (1966), Madame Web (2024), Superman IV: The Quest for Peace (1987), Fifty Shades of Grey (2015), Speed 2: Cruise Control (1997), Slender Man (2018), Dumb and Dumberer: When Harry Met Lloyd (2003), Jaws 3-D (1983), Troll 2 (1990), The Love Guru (2008), Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2 (2004), In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale (2007), The Cat in the Hat (2003), The Avengers (1998), Crossroads (2002), Halloween: Resurrection (2002), The Fog (2005), Fantastic Four (2015), Rollerball (2002), Baby Geniuses (1999), Spice World (1997), From Justin to Kelly (2003), Dungeons & Dragons (2000), Norbit (2007), …

(Well yeah … because these are good films. We could have done an actual bad film for this, but what’s the fun in that? I think if I were to pick a franchise to smash here it would have been Karate Kid. The back two are genuine stinkers. Hot take: The second one sucks too, it is so dumb.)

Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 18) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Emilio Estevez is No. 1 billed in The Mighty Ducks and No. 1 billed in Young Guns II: Blaze of Glory, which also stars Christian Slater (No. 4 billed) who is in Mindhunters (No. 4 billed) which also stars LL Cool J (No. 3 billed) who is in Rollerball (No. 2 billed) which also stars Chris Klein (No. 1 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 2 billed) => (1 + 1) + (4 + 4) + (3 + 2) + (1 + 2) = 18. If we were to watch Judgment Night we can get the HoE Number down to 14.

Notes – Jake Gyllenhaal, who was unknown at the time, auditioned for the role of Charlie Conway, but his parents wouldn’t let him do the movie so the producers ended up casting Joshua Jackson.

Before Emilio Estevez was offered and accepted the role of Gordon Bombay, Charlie Sheen, his brother, was offered the role, but turned it down.

Leonardo DiCaprio auditioned for the part of Charlie Conway but lost out to Joshua Jackson. In similar fashion, Juliette Lewis tried out for the part of Connie, but lost out to Marguerite Moreau.

The original premise of Mighty Ducks was much darker with very little comedy about an ex-NHL player turned alcoholic who seeks revenge on his old coach by coaching opposite him. The main idea stayed when Disney bought the rights to the movie, but some elements were changed (such as Bombay is now a lawyer, who never played in the NHL, who must do community service for a DUI), including much more emphasis on comedy and downplaying most of the adult themes.

Vincent LaRusso wasn’t given the role of Adam Banks initially, but later it was given to him when the child who originally played Banks became too difficult to work with.

The Back-up Plan Preview

After the sword trick, Jamie had two jury members on his side. But as Wrestlemania continued to point out, that was hardly the only piece of evidence. “What about the hideous and distinctive body scar that the young man had?” One of the other jury members asks, now intrigued by the discussion. “Luckily he wasn’t wearing a shirt… er… because it helped identify him,” a lady chimes in, blushing as they all chuckle. “But seriously,” Wrestlemania needles, turning from the window, “it’s not every day you glance out the window and see a man shirtless with a large, distinctive scar on his chest.” The rest of the jury murmurs their agreement. “Not every day, I give you that,” Jamie says with a solemn look on his face, “But would you be so kind as to open the curtains there.” Wrestlemania freezes. He gets the sense that he’s not going to like what he sees on the other side of that curtain. As he pulls them back, an audible gasp arises from the group. There, in Hallston Town Square, is Patrick. Like clockwork he is practicing his blade art at one in the afternoon, shirtless, his previously mentioned torso scar visible to them all. “What thuuuuu…” Wrestlemania says dumbly. Before anyone even challenges this as merely circumstantial, Jamie proceeds to remove his own shirt. It reveals a well-toned dancer’s body, it is true. It also reveals a previously unmentioned large, distinctive torso scar identical to the one that both Patrick and the accused possess. A proceeding vote finds the vote now split. This shocks Jamie, who knew Wrestlemania would hold out, but was sure that he’d now have a strong majority on his side. This is going to be harder than he thought. He’d have to move to his back-up plan. That’s right! We’re also moving on to our back-up plan: The Back-up Plan starring JLo and equally famous Alex O’Loughlin. Let’s go!

The Back-up Plan (2010) – BMeTric: 55.5; Notability: 54

StreetCreditReport.com – BMeTric: top 7.2%; Notability: top 7.6%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 13.3%; Higher BMeT: The Last Airbender, Vampires Suck, Birdemic: Shock and Terror, Skyline, Sex and the City 2, Furry Vengeance, Jonah Hex, Marmaduke, Gulliver’s Travels, Yogi Bear, Cats & Dogs: The Revenge of Kitty Galore, Tekken, Tooth Fairy, My Soul to Take, A Nightmare on Elm Street, Legion, Why Did I Get Married Too?, Passion Play; Higher Notability: Clash of the Titans, The Wolfman, Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time, Sex and the City 2, The Tourist, Valentine’s Day, Gulliver’s Travels, Marmaduke, The Last Airbender, Little Fockers, All Good Things, Tooth Fairy, Cats & Dogs: The Revenge of Kitty Galore, Shanghai, Eat Pray Love, Burlesque, Jonah Hex, Takers, London Boulevard; Lower RT: Tekken, Father of Invention, Passion Play, Twelve, 6 Souls, Shanghai, Vampires Suck, Dylan Dog: Dead of Night, The Last Airbender, Waiting for Forever, The Tortured, 13, Furry Vengeance, Crazy on the Outside, Saw 3D, Marmaduke, Little Fockers, Grown Ups, Killers, My Soul to Take, and 13 more; Notes: Amazingly, we’ve seen 7 of the top 10 BMeT films, but then only 8 of the top 18. As usual, we have the natural tendency of hitting up the worst of the worst, but then basically totally ignoring the 11-20 spots. Do we really have to do Vampires Suck though? Or like … Yogi Bear?

RogerEbert.com – 1.0 stars – Some movies are no better than second-rate sitcoms. Other movies are no better than third-rate sitcoms. “The Back-up Plan” doesn’t deserve comparison with sitcoms. It plays like an unendurable TV commercial about beautiful people with great lifestyles and not a thought in their empty little heads. So timid is this film that when it finally arrives at its inevitable childbirth scene, it bails out after two “pushes”!

(Ha! I do like the idea of like: if you are going to go for it, at least give us a good birth scene, but they couldn’t even do that. They just bail without even bothering.)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cut4IW0oz1w/

(She is like … the most attractive person in the world, and he’s …. Fine. The movie looks aggressively dumb. A throwback to a 90s idea for a movie where they just add more mean spirited and lewd humor and go “is this good? Is this comedy?”)

Directors – Alan Poul – ( BMT: The Back-up Plan; Notes: Is a television director through and through. I guess the sitcom comparison above makes sense. Directed all the big HBO series for a bit.)

Writers – Kate Angelo – ( Known For: Easter Sunday; Future BMT: Sex Tape; BMT: The Back-up Plan; Notes: Single writer! It feels like Sex Tape destroyed her career for a while. Was story editor for a chunk of Becker.)

Actors – Jennifer Lopez – ( Known For: Antz; Parker; Home; The Cell; Hustlers; Out of Sight; Jersey Girl; U Turn; Atlas; Shall We Dance?; The Mother; Marry Me; Shotgun Wedding; An Unfinished Life; Selena; Second Act; Bordertown; Blood and Wine; Lila & Eve; This Is Me… Now; Future BMT: Ice Age: Continental Drift; Maid in Manhattan; Ice Age: Collision Course; Monster-in-Law; Jack; Enough; Angel Eyes; Feel the Noise; BMT: Anaconda; The Wedding Planner; What to Expect When You’re Expecting; The Back-up Plan; Gigli; The Boy Next Door; Money Train; Notes: Weird career which seemed to be going in the toilet for a bit (Atlas anyone?). But rumor is she’s incredible in the upcoming Kiss of the Spider Woman film and people are tipping her as a potential Best Actress nominee. She was nominated for an Emmy for her Super Bowl Halftime Show.)

Alex O’Loughlin – ( Known For: The Holiday; Man-Thing; Feed; Oyster Farmer; Future BMT: August Rush; The Invisible; BMT: The Back-up Plan; Whiteout; Notes: He is genuinely mostly well known for Hawaii Five-0 which he starred in for 240 episodes. He started the series right when this film came out and hasn’t done a feature since.)

Michaela Watkins – ( Known For: Good Boys; Wanderlust; Enough Said; The Way Back; In a World…; Thanks for Sharing; Werewolves Within; They Came Together; Brittany Runs a Marathon; Ibiza; How to Be a Latin Lover; Brigsby Bear; You Hurt My Feelings; Heart Eyes; Afternoon Delight; Dude; Sword of Trust; The House of Tomorrow; Lazy Eye; Person to Person; Future BMT: The House; Paint; BMT: The Back-up Plan; The American Society of Magical Negroes; Notes: She was very briefly on SNL it seems. She is all over television, I think I remember her recently from The Unicorn, but she was also in one of the Wet Hot American Summer television shows.)

Budget/Gross – $35,000,000 / Domestic: $37,490,007 (Worldwide: $77,477,008)

(That is pretty okay for Worldwide … I wonder why this would be reasonably popular overseas. I suppose it is because of J-Lo. I recall from the Wicked stuff that pop stars are huge in Europe as far as Box Office prospects.)

Rotten Tomatoes – 17% (26/149): Jennifer Lopez is as appealing as ever, but The Back-Up Plan smothers its star with unrelatable characters and a predictable plot.

(It is true. Much like with Money Train there is something crazy about how attractive J-Lo was between the mid-90s to around this film, 2010. It like … boggles the mind.)

Reviewer Highlight: Someone involved in the making of The Back-Up Plan, a not very good and yet painless waste of time, has certainly thought through some life and love questions. – Manohla Dargis, New York Times

Poster – The Snack-up Plan

(I don’t really understand the layout of this poster. Is there a reason that the words are going down like that separating them? Or did they just need something to do with the two stars of a rom-com that needs to sell purely on the stars? Not great but not catastrophic. C-.)

Tagline(s) – Fall in love.* Get married. Have a baby. *Not necessarily in that order. (B+)

(The tagline in words actually is better than on the poster. They shouldn’t have drawn the arrows. This is long, but in a necessary way. I like it. Nice little subversion. I would have put the star after “baby” on the poster, though. Having it after the first one doesn’t make sense.)

Keyword(s) – top BMeT

BMT: Epic Movie (2007), Meet the Spartans (2008), Battlefield Earth (2000), Dragonball Evolution (2009), Catwoman (2004), Jack and Jill (2011), Batman & Robin (1997), Son of the Mask (2005), The Room (2003), The Emoji Movie (2017), Cats (2019), Gigli (2003), Scary Movie V (2013), Alone in the Dark (2005), Jaws: The Revenge (1987), The Last Airbender (2010), Mortal Kombat: Annihilation (1997), The Wicker Man (2006), Manos: The Hands of Fate (1966), Madame Web (2024), Superman IV: The Quest for Peace (1987), Fifty Shades of Grey (2015), Speed 2: Cruise Control (1997), Slender Man (2018), Dumb and Dumberer: When Harry Met Lloyd (2003), Jaws 3-D (1983), Troll 2 (1990), The Love Guru (2008), Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2 (2004), In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale (2007), The Cat in the Hat (2003), The Avengers (1998), Crossroads (2002), Halloween: Resurrection (2002), The Fog (2005), Fantastic Four (2015), Rollerball (2002), Baby Geniuses (1999), Spice World (1997), From Justin to Kelly (2003), Dungeons & Dragons (2000), Norbit (2007), …

Best Options (TASoMN): 72.4 Bewitched (2005), 72.4 Dance Flick (2009), 65.3 An American Carol (2008), 61.3 Madea Goes to Jail (2009), 60.5 Hoodwinked Too! Hood vs. Evil (2011), 59.7 Deck the Halls (2006), 55.5 The Back-up Plan (2010), 55.1 Evan Almighty (2007), 51.7 McHale’s Navy (1997), 50.4 The Last Legion (2007)

(This one just seemed like the most “how haven’t we done this?!” film of the bunch. It is kind of nuts that we haven’t watched all of the J-Lo films. Oh, and a lot of these are also precluded because we went to The American Society for Magical Negroes via David Alan Greer so we are technically not allowed to do a third in a row.)

Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 11) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Jennifer Lopez is No. 1 billed in The Back-up Plan and No. 2 billed in Gigli, which also stars Ben Affleck (No. 1 billed) who is in Pearl Harbor (No. 1 billed) which also stars Josh Hartnett (No. 3 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 3 billed) => (1 + 2) + (1 + 1) + (3 + 3) = 11. If we were to watch Jack, and The Glass House we can get the HoE Number down to 11.

Notes – Jennifer Lopez was first attracted to the script as she had just gone through her twins’ pregnancy. Screenwriter Kate Angelo too had just been pregnant. The two had actually met at a post-birth aerobics class.

Three different dogs played Nuts.

Tom Bosley’s final performance.

Jennifer Lopez’s character Zoe is seen reading the book, What to Expect When You’re Expecting. She later played the role of Holly in the film adaptation of the same name.

Jennifer Lopez’s first major role in five years.

Staying Alive Preview

“Alright, well this looks like a slam dunk,” says one of the elderly jurors, “which is good because I have tickets to Wrestlemania tonight in the city.” He holds up a pair of tickets and walks to stare out the window. The field trip to Dark Territory was fun, but reality was setting in now that they were back in the jury room. “Let’s vote,” says the foreman and hands out small pieces of paper. Poor kid. But you just can’t go slashing a sheriff with a samurai sword and get away with it. You just can’t! As the ‘guilty’ votes are read, they begin to pack up. Suddenly a ‘not guilty’ vote rings out. Everyone stops and looks at Jamie. He takes a moment before acknowledging that yes, it was him. “I just think there should be a discussion, maybe,” he says sheepishly. “I don’t think so, bub,” says Wrestlemania, fuming. Several other jurors also demand he change his vote. “Ok, ok, how about this,” Jamie says, holding up his hands. “Let me ask you all just one thing.” They begrudgingly agree. “The murder weapon…” Jamie begins and Wrestlemania jumps on it immediately. “Exactly,” he says, “They found him with the murder weapon. A samurai sword! With an eagle on the handle!” The rest of the jury nod. “Oh really,” Jamie says and pulls his own samurai sword from his back scabbard and flips it in the air to land point down in the table. The jurors gasp and look at each other in disbelief. It’s an exact replica. “I guess,” says the foreman, “a little discussion won’t hurt.” “My god. That kid out there is probably laughing at us,” fumes Wrestlemania. But Jamie doesn’t think he’s laughing at all. He’s too busy just staying alive. That’s right! If you thought we would do Stay Alive and not take that opportunity to smash cut directly into the Saturday Night Fever sequel Staying Alive then… I don’t know what to say. It would mean you didn’t know us at all and that’s pretty sad. Let’s go!

Staying Alive (1983) – BMeTric: 61.1; Notability: 52

StreetCreditReport.com – BMeTric: top 1.3%; Notability: top 3.4%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 0.0%; Higher BMeT: Jaws 3-D, Smokey and the Bandit Part 3, Superman III; Higher Notability: Superman III, Curse of the Pink Panther, Krull, Deal of the Century, Doctor Detroit, Flashdance, The Sting II, D.C. Cab; Notes: Don’t worry, Smokey and the Bandit Part III is on the docket. Looking at the 90s television data is kind of funny. The three Smokey and the Bandit films played 81, 47, and 20 times. Almost perfectly 50% of the prior one. The first is a classic obviously.

New York Times – Janet Maslin – ONLY the presence of John Travolta turns ”Staying Alive” from an unqualified disaster into a qualified one. Mr. Travolta is able to radiate warmth and sweetness even under the direst of circumstances, which are certainly the ones in which he finds himself here. As directed by Sylvester Stallone, who is also co-writer and coproducer, ”Staying Alive” is a sequel with no understanding of what made its predecessor work. The first film was funny and touching, powered by a phenomenally successful score. This one is clumsy, mean spirited and amazingly unmusical.

(Janet is right about everything here. This is exactly the issue with the film. It is just kind of depressing and joyless and misses everything that made the original work.)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wfCaqIudqbE/

(Give me that music up top, c’mon … yeah there it is. Hoooooooooo doggy Travolta looking sexy in this trailer. What more is there to say, 10/10 trailer on the Travolta Sexiness scale.)

Directors – Sylvester Stallone – ( Known For: The Expendables; Rocky II; Rocky Balboa; Rocky III; Paradise Alley; BMT: Rambo; Rocky IV; Staying Alive; Notes: Welp, we finished his directorial efforts. Stallone, get behind the lens, you know you want to.)

Writers – Nik Cohn – ( Known For: Saturday Night Fever; BMT: Staying Alive; Notes: He was the writer of the article that Saturday Night Fever was based on.)

Sylvester Stallone – ( Known For: Rocky; The Expendables; The Expendables 2; Creed; First Blood; Rocky II; Rocky Balboa; Rocky III; Creed II; Cliffhanger; Homefront; Creed III; F.I.S.T.; Paradise Alley; BMT: Rambo; Rocky IV; The Expendables 3; Rambo: First Blood Part II; Rocky V; Rambo III; Rambo: Last Blood; Cobra; Over the Top; Driven; Staying Alive; Rhinestone; Notes: And, yup, we also finished up Stallone’s writing credits. Fuck you A Working Man, why did you have to ruin the dream.)

Norman Wexler – ( Known For: Serpico; Saturday Night Fever; Joe; Mandingo; Drum; BMT: Raw Deal; Staying Alive; Notes: Was born in New Bedford, huh. He was nominated for two Oscars, one for the movie Joe, and the other for Serpico. For real though … like Joe? I haven’t heard of this film.)

Actors – John Travolta – ( Known For: Pulp Fiction; Face/Off; Grease; Bolt; Austin Powers in Goldmember; Carrie; The Taking of Pelham 123; The Thin Red Line; Hairspray; Savages; Broken Arrow; Get Shorty; Saturday Night Fever; Look Who’s Talking; Phenomenon; Blow Out; Ladder 49; Killing Season; A Civil Action; Primary Colors; Future BMT: The Punisher; From Paris with Love; Basic; The General’s Daughter; Look Who’s Talking Too; Michael; Look Who’s Talking Now; Domestic Disturbance; Mad City; Lucky Numbers; White Man’s Burden; Shout; BMT: Swordfish; Wild Hogs; Battlefield Earth; Be Cool; Old Dogs; Staying Alive; Perfect; Two of a Kind; Notes: Man, we didn’t do The Punisher? But like … how have we done the other ones? Is that right? That is the craziest bit of flotsam we have. Actually strike that, having done Scary Movie 5 and not registering the first four as BMT films was the craziest bit of flotsam.)

Cynthia Rhodes – ( Known For: Dirty Dancing; Runaway; Curse of the Crystal Eye; BMT: Flashdance; Staying Alive; Notes: She seems to have quit the business when she married Richard Marx. Except of course the ridiculous film Curse of the Crystal Eye (never played on television).)

Finola Hughes – ( Known For: Like Crazy; Above Suspicion; Intrepid; Nutcracker; Future BMT: Aspen Extreme; BMT: Staying Alive; Notes: Aspen Extreme! Hol up … we HAVE to do Aspen Extreme. That movie is one of those perfect “they don’t release em like they used to” BMT gems.)

Budget/Gross – $22 million / Domestic: $64,892,670 (Worldwide: $64,893,329)

(That is obviously solid. I imagine it is the terrible reviews that made them not go for the trilogy. Maybe Stallone should start brushing off scripts, I think Travolta’s still got it.)

Rotten Tomatoes – 0% (0/30): This sequel to Saturday Night Fever is shockingly embarrassing and unnecessary, trading the original’s dramatic depth for a series of uninspired dance sequences.

(ZERO OUT OF THIRTY?! What the hell. Is this the crown jewel of How the Hell Haven’t We Done This Yet?! cycle.)

NY Times Short Review: Lackluster sequel to “Saturday Night Fever”. (… yeah that sums it up NYT).

Poster – Dancin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo

(I have never seen a poster that would turn me off of a film more than this one. If I saw this in a theater I would say “nope” and turn right around. But… I am in love with that font. This might be the best poster font we’ve seen in quite a while. I hate this poster but that font rescues it. C.)

Tagline(s) – Tony Manero knows the old days are over. But nobody’s gonna tell him he can’t feel that good again. (D)

(No way. No how. I gave it a D because it’s actually so weird that it’s kind of funny.)

Keyword(s) – top BMeT

BMT: Epic Movie (2007), Meet the Spartans (2008), Battlefield Earth (2000), Dragonball Evolution (2009), Catwoman (2004), Jack and Jill (2011), Batman & Robin (1997), Son of the Mask (2005), The Room (2003), The Emoji Movie (2017), Cats (2019), Gigli (2003), Scary Movie V (2013), Alone in the Dark (2005), Jaws: The Revenge (1987), The Last Airbender (2010), Mortal Kombat: Annihilation (1997), The Wicker Man (2006), Manos: The Hands of Fate (1966), Madame Web (2024), Superman IV: The Quest for Peace (1987), Fifty Shades of Grey (2015), Speed 2: Cruise Control (1997), Slender Man (2018), Dumb and Dumberer: When Harry Met Lloyd (2003), Jaws 3-D (1983), Troll 2 (1990), The Love Guru (2008), Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2 (2004), In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale (2007), The Cat in the Hat (2003), The Avengers (1998), Crossroads (2002), Halloween: Resurrection (2002), The Fog (2005), Fantastic Four (2015), Rollerball (2002), Baby Geniuses (1999), Spice World (1997), From Justin to Kelly (2003), Dungeons & Dragons (2000), Norbit (2007), …

Best Options (Romance): 93.6 Date Movie (2006), 77.9 Nutty Professor II: The Klumps (2000), 75.5 Look Who’s Talking Now (1993), 74.9 Junior (1994), 74.6 God’s Not Dead (2014), 72.7 Look Who’s Talking Too (1990), 72.4 Bewitched (2005), 72.3 Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector (2006), 64.9 Sex Tape (2014), 64.4 Van Wilder: The Rise of Taj (2006), 62.9 The Honeymooners (2005), 62.3 Obsessed (2009), 61.2 Beethoven’s 2nd (1993), 61.2 Staying Alive (1983), 57.8 The Next Best Thing (2000), 56.0 Why Did I Get Married Too? (2010), 55.9 Radhe Shyam (2022), 55.7 Fame (2009), 55.5 The Back-up Plan (2010), 55.3 Who’s That Girl (1987), 55.0 Honey (2003), 54.3 The Bachelor (1999), 54.2 Maid in Manhattan (2002), 54.1 The Divorce (2003), 53.7 Abandon (2002), 53.7 Meet the Browns (2008), 53.4 Aloha (2015), 52.4 Loser (2000), 52.4 How Do You Know (2010), 52.3 Superstar (1999), 52.2 Addicted (2014), 51.1 Over Her Dead Body (2008), 51.1 Little Fockers (2010)

(Again, would Junior have been a better option? Maybe, but the idea of finishing up Stallone basically was too alluring. We only have one Stallone film left. This was our 25th Stallone film. It is crazy stuff.)

Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 14) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: John Travolta is No. 1 billed in Staying Alive and No. 2 billed in Wild Hogs, which also stars Ray Liotta (No. 5 billed) who is in In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale (No. 2 billed) which also stars Leelee Sobieski (No. 3 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 1 billed) => (1 + 2) + (5 + 2) + (3 + 1) = 14. If we were to watch Shout we can get the HoE Number down to 10.

Notes – John Travolta has claimed his favorite director to work with was Sylvester Stallone. He said Stallone knew how to make him look the best on screen.

Under Sylvester Stallone’s supervision, John Travolta spent five months doing rigorous training to develop a dancer’s physique for this film, losing 20 pounds in the process.

DIRECTOR_CAMEO(Sylvester Stallone): Bumping into Tony Manero as he walks down the sidewalk in a crowd. They turn to look at each other for a moment.

This was one of 1983’s most successful films at the box office.

This was the last non-“Rocky” film Sylvester Stallone directed until Rambo (2008).

Awards – Nominee for the Razzie Award for Worst Actor (John Travolta)

Nominee for the Razzie Award for Worst Supporting Actress (Finola Hughes)

Nominee for the Razzie Award for Worst New Star (Finola Hughes)

Stay Alive Preview

Jamie and the rest of the jury wander around Dark Territory, a neighboring village in the same county as Hallston named after its twin founders Terri and Tory Dark. “So he murdered the sheriff right here in the town square?” Jamie asks. The county prosecutor nods. “He slashed him with a samurai sword, shirtless, so his distinctive and hideous chest scar was fully visible?” Correct again. “Visible to that school house 300 yards away filled with witnesses?” Yes, yes, yes. “Then he parkoured onto the roof of the bank and escaped into Hallston?” This is all a matter of public record. “Then he was picked up at a Hallston motel with a samurai sword wiped clean and claims to have no memory at all of where he was that whole day, thus having no alibi?” The country prosecutor is losing patience. “Sounds like a slam dunk,” Jamie finishes and the prosecutor sighs and walks away. This incredibly sad person is getting on his nerves. Jamie looks at the accused, who is sitting solemnly with Ms. LaRouche. He looks him up and down and snorts incredulously. He looks at the school and thinks about how confusing it must have seemed to those kids. Both horrifying and yet rad. He snorts again. He kneels down and tastes the dirt. He raises his nose and sniffs the air. This doesn’t taste or smell right at all. His drop dead gorgeous mind starts whirring a mile a minute. The pieces fall into place and he murmurs, “my god.” It’s his turn to write something on a pad of paper. But he’s not showing it to Ms. LaRouche. He’s showing it to that young man who stands accused of this murder most foul. The paper reads, ‘Stay alive.” Ms. LaRouche smiles slyly. That’s right! We are staying alive with Stay Alive. This killer video game horror film is peak 2000’s and has been on my watch list for ages. A classic, “Wait, that was in theaters?” film. Let’s go!

Stay Alive (2006) – BMeTric: 62.3; Notability: 29

StreetCreditReport.com – BMeTric: top 9.2%; Notability: top 34.4%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 6.9%; Higher BMeT: Date Movie, The Wicker Man, Ultraviolet, Pledge This!, Little Man, Basic Instinct 2, Material Girls, Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector, Zoom, The Shaggy Dog, Big Momma’s House 2, DOA: Dead or Alive, The Santa Clause 3: The Escape Clause, Black Christmas, Pulse, Crossover, The Marine, Phat Girlz, Scary Movie 4, Eragon, and 3 more; Higher Notability: Poseidon, The Da Vinci Code, Eragon, The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift, Scary Movie 4, The Wild, Click, The Pink Panther, Smokin’ Aces, Zoom, The Guardian, The Black Dahlia, School for Scoundrels, The Shaggy Dog, Just My Luck, All the King’s Men, Happily N’Ever After, Lady in the Water, The Santa Clause 3: The Escape Clause, Factory Girl, and 66 more; Lower RT: The Contract, Pledge This!, Crossover, Material Girls, The Covenant, Zoom, Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector, Big Momma’s House 2, Basic Instinct 2, Deck the Halls, Happily N’Ever After, Date Movie, Van Wilder: The Rise of Taj, When a Stranger Calls, Ultraviolet, See No Evil, Annapolis; Notes: We’ve seen 8 of those 20 higher BMeT films, but I’ve seen Santa Clause 3 and Scary Movie 4 on my own time. We’ll have to get back to those at some point. The 00s were nuts though, those are some terrible movies.

New York Times – Neil Genzlinger – The star of “Stay Alive” is a cutting-edge video game, but the film still has hackneyed horror at its heart. And worse, it’s not even the stylishly, wittily executed hackneyed horror of the “Scream” movies.

(That title is incredible. I wouldn’t have really thought “beta” would have worked as an insult in 2006, go figure.)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DjzqGzuZSfI/

(my God it looks awful. Just, really, one of the worst trailers I’ve seen in a while. Sometimes we watch things where it is truly like how did this get made? Or more importantly, how did this get released to theaters as a real movie you had to play for.)

Directors – William Brent Bell – ( Known For: Orphan: First Kill; Wer; Lord of Misrule; Future BMT: The Boy; Brahms: The Boy II; Separation; BMT: The Devil Inside; Stay Alive; Notes: Mein got, The Devil Inside. Maybe the worst horror film I’ve ever seen, with the worst ending I’ve ever seen. Legend!)

Writers – William Brent Bell – ( Known For: Wer; BMT: The Devil Inside; Stay Alive; Notes: Not surprising he wasn’t allowed to write his own stuff eventually, those are his first three films! And obviously Wer is tiny. After that he did The Boy, and then that kind of wrote a ticket for a bunch of mediocre horror films.)

Matthew Peterman – ( Known For: Wer; BMT: The Devil Inside; Stay Alive; Notes: Maybe the writing partner of Bell? He has no other credits than those three, and never did any directing.)

Actors – Jon Foster – ( Known For: Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines; Thirteen Days; Life as a House; Rampart; Like Father; The Informers; The Door in the Floor; Tenderness; Mr. Jones; Brotherhood; The Mysteries of Pittsburgh; The Last Rites of Ransom Pride; Poor Boy; Future BMT: Pandorum; BMT: Stay Alive; Notes: He is Ben Foster’s brother, which makes sense. He seems semi-retired at this point. If I’m reading this thing right, his wife played young Steven Tyler in an Aerosmith music video? … Can that be right?)

Samaire Armstrong – ( Known For: It’s a Boy Girl Thing; Rise: Blood Hunter; The 2nd; Terror on the Prairie; Windsor Drive; A Winter Rose; Future BMT: Not Another Teen Movie; Just My Luck; BMT: Stay Alive; Notes: You know Samaire Armstrong! Oh you don’t? She was the losing leg of the season one love triangle in The O.C. involving Seth and Summer. She is also a kook, calling BLM a terrorist organization, voting for Trump, and doing God’s Not Dead movies.)

Frankie Muniz – ( Known For: Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story; Stuck on You; Dr. Dolittle 2; Big Fat Liar; My Dog Skip; Extreme Movie; It Had to Be You; The Black String; Pizza Man; My Sexiest Year; Future BMT: Agent Cody Banks; Racing Stripes; Agent Cody Banks 2: Destination London; Deuces Wild; BMT: Stay Alive; Lost & Found; Notes: Y’all know Frankie Muniz … you know, the racecar driver. His career was short and sweet, and now he’s coming back for a Malcolm in the Middle reunion.)

Budget/Gross – $20 million / Domestic: $23,086,480 (Worldwide: $27,298,695)

(That is terrible, but also I don’t understand why this would cost $20 million … is it possible that a dumb company would overspend on producing the crap video game cutscenes? Maybe.)

Rotten Tomatoes – 11% (6/57): A by-the-numbers teen horror flick, Stay Alive fails to exploit its premise for any real scares.

(Six good reviews is beyond anything I could have imagined for this. So are 57 genuine reviews. I am often stunned by the films that got giant releases back in the day.)

Reviewer Highlight: Teen fodder like this isn’t known for sophistication or storytelling depth, but the filmmakers seem to take the film’s video-game theme as permission to eschew even the horror genre’s exceedingly lenient minimums for characterization. – Nathan Rabin, AV Club

Poster – Game Over

(I like the visual. I like the bold color. I like the font. But overall, this is also dumb as rocks. Still, there is a lot to like. B.)

Tagline(s) – You Die In The Game – You Die For Real (B)

Play It To Death (C-)

(I like the first one as a hook, even if it’s not all that clever. The second is blessedly short and I do know what they were going for. But that doesn’t mean I have to like it.)

Keyword(s) – top BMeT

BMT: Epic Movie (2007), Meet the Spartans (2008), Battlefield Earth (2000), Dragonball Evolution (2009), Catwoman (2004), Jack and Jill (2011), Batman & Robin (1997), Son of the Mask (2005), The Room (2003), The Emoji Movie (2017), Cats (2019), Gigli (2003), Scary Movie V (2013), Alone in the Dark (2005), Jaws: The Revenge (1987), The Last Airbender (2010), Mortal Kombat: Annihilation (1997), The Wicker Man (2006), Manos: The Hands of Fate (1966), Madame Web (2024), Superman IV: The Quest for Peace (1987), Fifty Shades of Grey (2015), Speed 2: Cruise Control (1997), Slender Man (2018), Dumb and Dumberer: When Harry Met Lloyd (2003), Jaws 3-D (1983), Troll 2 (1990), The Love Guru (2008), Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2 (2004), In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale (2007), The Cat in the Hat (2003), The Avengers (1998), Crossroads (2002), Halloween: Resurrection (2002), The Fog (2005), Fantastic Four (2015), Rollerball (2002), Baby Geniuses (1999), Spice World (1997), From Justin to Kelly (2003), Dungeons & Dragons (2000), Norbit (2007), …

Best Options (Horror): 90.7 Vampires Suck (2010), 90.1 House of the Dead (2003), 89.0 BloodRayne (2005), 87.9 Winnie-the-Pooh: Blood and Honey (2023), 80.0 Jeepers Creepers III (2017), 79.3 Boogeyman (2005), 78.7 Shark Night (2011), 78.0 Jeepers Creepers: Reborn (2022), 75.4 The Apparition (2012), 75.3 The Grudge (2019), 74.8 Paranormal Activity 4 (2012), 74.4 The Turning (2020), 73.9 The Last Exorcism Part II (2013), 73.2 The Unborn (2009), 71.6 Paranormal Activity: The Ghost Dimension (2015), 71.1 Texas Chainsaw (2013), 70.4 The Pyramid (2014), 69.4 Black Christmas (2006), 69.3 Pulse (2006), 68.8 Captivity (2007), 68.4 Meet the Blacks (2016), 67.7 Seed of Chucky (2004), 67.6 The Disappointments Room (2016), 66.9 The Darkness (2016), 66.4 The Woman in Black 2: Angel of Death (2014), 66.2 The Haunting of Molly Hartley (2008), 65.5 Brahms: The Boy II (2020), 64.9 The Final Destination (2009), 64.8 Blair Witch (2016), 64.5 The Exorcism (2024), 64.0 Valentine (2001), 63.9 Skinwalkers (2006), 63.4 My Soul to Take (2010), 63.1 The Hills Have Eyes 2 (2007), 62.6 Imaginary (2024), 62.3 Stay Alive (2006), 62.2 Darkness Falls (2003), 61.9 Pet Sematary II (1992), 61.8 The Grudge 2 (2006), 61.6 When a Stranger Calls (2006), 61.2 Paranormal Activity: The Marked Ones (2014), 60.7 The Mangler (1995), 60.4 Exorcist: The Beginning (2004), 60.2 Children of the Corn II: The Final Sacrifice (1992), 60.1 Spiral (2021), …

(This was chosen a while back. A crazy horror film with a killer video game. How haven’t we done this before?!)

Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 27) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Milo Ventimiglia is No. 8 billed in Stay Alive and No. 6 billed in Cursed, which also stars Jesse Eisenberg (No. 2 billed) who is in Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice (No. 3 billed) which also stars Ben Affleck (No. 1 billed) who is in Pearl Harbor (No. 1 billed) which also stars Josh Hartnett (No. 3 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 3 billed) => (8 + 6) + (2 + 3) + (1 + 1) + (3 + 3) = 27. If we were to watch Racing Stripes we can get the HoE Number down to 13.

Notes – Countess Elizabeth Bathory did actually exist. However, for the perspective of the film, her story takes place in New Orleans, whereas historically she was located in Hungary.

It was Disney’s only slasher film.

Video game reference: The old-fashioned camera that Abigail uses in the film is a reference to the popular “Fatal Frame” (known as “Rei Zero” in it’s native Japan, and as “Project Zero” in Europe) series of horror/survival games, upon which the “Stay Alive” concept is partially based.

Milo Ventimiglia had to wear contacts in order to see through his glasses.

Ben Foster was going to play the role of Hutch O’Neill, but gave the role to his brother Jon Foster instead because he thought it was better suited for him.

Under Siege 2: Dark Territory Preview

Turns out she was right and by “now” she meant at this current moment. In a little known bylaw from 1897, Hallston had made it possible to get on a jury simply by asking. When Jamie showed up at the courthouse, Ms. LaRouche gave the thumbs up and the county prosecutor begrudgingly agreed as well because Jamie seemed so sad (like really sad). Besides, the case was a slam dunk. That’s how Jamie found himself sequestered in a motel, Patrick miles away in a farmhouse writing his thrillers (and erotic thrillers under a pseudonym) in peace. “Do you know what this case is about?” Jamie asks his neighbor in the jury box, an elderly man with white hair, a mustache and wearing a plaid shirt. The man says nothing. Jamie turns to his other neighbor, an elderly man with white hair, a mustache and wearing a plaid shirt. Same result. He attempts to get Ms. LaRouche’s attention. “Psst,” he pssts loudly. She pretends not to hear him. He guesses he’ll have to actually pay attention to find out and begins to regret having joined jury duty. Probably be boring. “… and the prosecution will, of course, be seeking the death penalty,” the prosecutor suddenly says and Jamie stands up in shock. “Yes?” asks the judge, annoyed. “Uh,” Jamie says, flustered. He looks at Ms. LaRouche for help and sees she’s holding up a pad of paper with the words “murder scene.” “May I see the murder scene?” he asks timidly. The judge looks at Jamie to scold him and pound his gavel… hard, but then he sees how ridiculously sad Jamie looks. ‘What the hell,’ he thinks. The case is a slam dunk, right? “Alright, alright. Pack up this jury and we’ll head out to Dark Territory.” Ms. LaRouche smiles slyly. That’s right! Finally! Finally we are picking up one of the Steven Seagal films we have hanging. This is by far his biggest BMT. A sequel to a smash hit and one of the best subtitles of all time. Under Siege 2: Dark Territory. It’s beautiful. Let’s go!

Under Siege 2: Dark Territory (1995) – BMeTric: 45.2; Notability: 79

StreetCreditReport.com – BMeTric: top 7.6%; Notability: top 0.8%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 29.0%; Higher BMeT: Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers, Lawnmower Man 2: Beyond Cyberspace, Vampire in Brooklyn, Fair Game, Showgirls, Jury Duty, Theodore Rex, Congo, The Babysitter, Mighty Morphin Power Rangers, A Kid in King Arthur’s Court, Judge Dredd, The Scarlet Letter, Nine Months, Virtuosity, Johnny Mnemonic, Candyman: Farewell to the Flesh, Jade, Top Dog; Higher Notability: Congo, Judge Dredd; Lower RT: The Big Green, Jury Duty, National Lampoon’s Senior Trip, Theodore Rex, Top Dog, Delta of Venus, Born to Be Wild, A Pyromaniac’s Love Story, A Kid in King Arthur’s Court, The Hunted, Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers, It Takes Two, The Tie That Binds, Dracula: Dead and Loving It, Vampire in Brooklyn, Fair Game, The Scarlet Letter, Four Rooms, Man of the House, Three Wishes, and 51 more; Notes: Huge Notability. The others, Congo (played 59 times) and Judge Dredd (played 27 times), were both big on 90s television. This guy ran 32 times, which is pretty good. Premiered on HBO primetime on July 20th, 1996. That is almost exactly one year after release. Things were so simple those days…

RogerEbert.com – 3.0 stars – There is always the possibility of being surprised at the movies. … I was also amused by the film. It isn’t as good as the original “Under Siege,” but it moves quickly, has great stunts and special effects, and is a lot of fun. And I want one of those little Newtons. I need it for writing my memoirs and stuff.

(I love this version of Roger Ebert. He did have a way of being like … this is a fun action film right? Can’t we just all agree it is a fun action film though?)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LorQZ4TfbTQ/

(For the record the satellite does not have nuclear capabilities. I know you have to give a reference to the audience, but it would be nuclear-like capabilities. “The cook from Under Siege is back”. … “This time, the sky’s the limit” WAIT, you can’t think of a good train pun. C’mon! This time, he’s engineering justice. Something dumb. I don’t care. The sky’s the limit? What does that have to do with trains?)

Directors – Geoff Murphy – ( Known For: The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring; The Quiet Earth; Fortress 2: Re-Entry; Utu; Goodbye Pork Pie; Never Say Die; Spooked; Mauri; BMT: xXx: State of the Union; Under Siege 2: Dark Territory; Young Guns II; Freejack; Notes: Second unit director for Dante’s Peak. From New Zealand. Feels pretty sweet to complete this guy’s filmography … wait a tic, TMDb thinks he directed The Lord of the Rings? He was second unit director for the record.)

Writers – Richard Hatem – ( Known For: The Mothman Prophecies; BMT: Under Siege 2: Dark Territory; Notes: Those were his first two writing credits, and he basically did only television from that point forward.)

Matt Reeves – ( Known For: The Batman; War for the Planet of the Apes; Let Me In; The Yards; The Pallbearer; BMT: Under Siege 2: Dark Territory; Notes: Matt Reeves?! Genuinely like … how did Matt Reeves make it in Hollywood. All of his stuff is not super great until all of a sudden he writes Let Me In years after creating Felicity.)

J.F. Lawton – ( Known For: Pretty Woman; Under Siege; DOA: Dead or Alive; Cannibal Women in the Avocado Jungle of Death; Mistress; Pizza Man; Future BMT: Chain Reaction; Blankman; The Hunted; BMT: Under Siege 2: Dark Territory; Notes: DOA is a crazy, but you know what I’m most excited for? The Hunted starring Christopher Lambert.)

Actors – Steven Seagal – ( Known For: Machete; Under Siege; Executive Decision; Above the Law; The Onion Movie; The Patriot; Into the Sun; Ticker; Maximum Conviction; The Foreigner; The Keeper; Born to Raise Hell; Absolution; Sniper: Special Ops; Force of Execution; Beyond the Law; Code of Honor; The Perfect Weapon; End of a Gun; Contract to Kill; Future BMT: Out for Justice; Marked for Death; My Giant; BMT: Under Siege 2: Dark Territory; Exit Wounds; Hard to Kill; On Deadly Ground; The Glimmer Man; Fire Down Below; Half Past Dead; Notes: He seems like nightmare. I’ll say that every time. He seems like a genuinely bad person. Was a fun action hero of his time though.)

Eric Bogosian – ( Known For: Uncut Gems; Charlie’s Angels: Full Throttle; Reptile; Beavis and Butt-Head Do America; Dolores Claiborne; Deconstructing Harry; Igby Goes Down; Wonderland; Cadillac Records; The Stuff; Talk Radio; Ararat; Rebel in the Rye; Listen Up Philip; The Thief and the Cobbler; Heights; Safe Men; Office Killer; Born in Flames; Naked in New York; Future BMT: Blade: Trinity; Gossip; BMT: Under Siege 2: Dark Territory; Notes: Massachusetts guy. I was just looking up Blade: Trinity this week because it is a franchise with only one qualifying entry … quite an amusing potential cycle. I just don’t know if there is a romance option.)

Everett McGill – ( Known For: Licence to Kill; The Straight Story; Heartbreak Ridge; The People Under the Stairs; Silver Bullet; Quest for Fire; Brubaker; My Fellow Americans; Twin Peaks: The Missing Pieces; Yanks; Iguana; Union City; Jezebel’s Kiss; Field of Honor; Future BMT: Dune; BMT: Under Siege 2: Dark Territory; Notes: Twin Peaks is the main thing for this guy in my opinion … fine he did a few David Lynch things.)

Budget/Gross – $60 million / Domestic: $50,024,083 (Worldwide: $104,324,083)

(Hmmm, I mean, it does explain why it didn’t get a third film set on a plane I suppose. That is probably half of what you want.)

Rotten Tomatoes – 35% (11/31): Utterly forgettable and completely unnecessary, Under Siege 2 represents a steep comedown from its predecessor — and an unfortunate return to form for its star.

(Ha! Yeah, that sounds about right. I don’t think it is forgettable though. The train setting and the insanity of the villain is actually quite entertaining. It is just also unintentionally hilarious.)

NY Times Short Review: Dark and spectacularly dumb, with Travis vs. monstrous, grunning computer nerd. Feh.

Poster – Trains, Planes and Submerains

(It’s not wrong that I think this is dope, right? Even if it’s basically a giant picture of notable terrible person Steven Seagal. Look at that little satellite blasting a train. It’s like a work of action art. A train themed font would have made this an A. But it’s still a solid B+.)

Tagline(s) – A top secret nuclear satellite. A team of international terrorists. A government held hostage. An undetectable moving headquarters. Only one hero stands in the way. (Zzzz)

(Sorry I fell asleep and couldn’t grade this. In fact I still haven’t read the whole thing and I think I’ll choose not to.)

Keyword(s) – top BMeT

BMT: Epic Movie (2007), Meet the Spartans (2008), Battlefield Earth (2000), Dragonball Evolution (2009), Catwoman (2004), Jack and Jill (2011), Batman & Robin (1997), Son of the Mask (2005), The Room (2003), The Emoji Movie (2017), Cats (2019), Gigli (2003), Scary Movie V (2013), Alone in the Dark (2005), Jaws: The Revenge (1987), The Last Airbender (2010), Mortal Kombat: Annihilation (1997), The Wicker Man (2006), Manos: The Hands of Fate (1966), Madame Web (2024), Superman IV: The Quest for Peace (1987), Fifty Shades of Grey (2015), Speed 2: Cruise Control (1997), Slender Man (2018), Dumb and Dumberer: When Harry Met Lloyd (2003), Jaws 3-D (1983), Troll 2 (1990), The Love Guru (2008), Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2 (2004), In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale (2007), The Cat in the Hat (2003), The Avengers (1998), Crossroads (2002), Halloween: Resurrection (2002), The Fog (2005), Fantastic Four (2015), Rollerball (2002), Baby Geniuses (1999), Spice World (1997), From Justin to Kelly (2003), Dungeons & Dragons (2000), Norbit (2007), …

Best Options (Action): 90.1 House of the Dead (2003), 89.0 BloodRayne (2005), 86.9 Street Fighter (1994), 86.6 The Adventures of Sharkboy and Lavagirl 3-D (2005), 84.1 Spy Kids 4: All the Time in the World (2011), 83.1 Inspector Gadget (1999), 79.4 Home Alone 3 (1997), 78.7 Shark Night (2011), 75.2 Superhero Movie (2008), 74.2 The Spirit (2008), 72.6 The Next Karate Kid (1994), 72.4 Dance Flick (2009), 72.3 Zoom (2006), 72.3 Singham Again (2024), 70.9 Snatched (2017), 69.8 Delta Farce (2007), 69.1 Crossover (2006), 68.2 The Crow: City of Angels (1996), 68.1 Smokey and the Bandit Part 3 (1983), 68.1 Cats & Dogs: The Revenge of Kitty Galore (2010), 67.8 Thunderbirds (2004), 67.4 Turbo: A Power Rangers Movie (1997), 67.3 Max Steel (2016), 67.3 Mr. Nanny (1993), 66.1 The Cold Light of Day (2012), 64.2 Agent Cody Banks 2: Destination London (2004), 64.0 Underdog (2007), 63.9 Skinwalkers (2006), 62.2 The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor (2008), 60.5 Biker Boyz (2003), 60.3 Code Name: The Cleaner (2007), 59.9 Agent Cody Banks (2003), 59.3 Suburban Commando (1991), 58.6 Resident Evil: Retribution (2012), 58.2 See No Evil (2006), 58.0 Legion (2010), 58.0 The Transporter Refueled (2015), 57.4 3 Ninjas Kick Back (1994), 57.2 Robin Hood (2018), 56.9 Land of the Lost (2009), 56.7 The Karate Kid Part III (1989), 54.4 The Counselor (2013), 54.2 Spy Hard (1996), 52.4 Mighty Morphin Power Rangers (1995), 52.3 Dylan Dog: Dead of Night (2010), 51.7 McHale’s Navy (1997), 51.7 Kull the Conqueror (1997), 50.9 The Core (2003), 50.8 Your Highness (2011), 50.8 Resident Evil: The Final Chapter (2016), 50.6 Megaforce (1982), 50.5 3 Ninjas (1992), 50.5 Cop Out (2010), 50.4 The Last Legion (2007)

(But wait a minute, this movie isn’t there?! Yeah, you see the actual cycle is “How haven’t se done this?!” but that like … isn’t a thing. So for now I just wanted to get a sense of how we were doing on the 50+ BMeTric films. This is probably the best we had, with something like The Karate Kid Part III or Biker Boyz being pretty decent alternatives.)

Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 15) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Steven Seagal is No. 1 billed in Under Siege 2: Dark Territory and No. 1 billed in Exit Wounds, which also stars Isaiah Washington (No. 3 billed) who is in Hollywood Homicide (No. 5 billed) which also stars Josh Hartnett (No. 2 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 3 billed) => (1 + 1) + (3 + 5) + (2 + 3) = 15. If we were to watch Out for Justice we can get the HoE Number down to 13.

Notes – Producer Jon Peters drew the ire of Steven Seagal after the action star returned from a vacation in Indonesia and discovered that Peters had hired Gary Busey to play the villain – Busey famously played one of the villains in the first film, who was dispatched via explosion. Matters got worse when it was discovered that Busey had a “pay-or-play” deal which meant he got his fee if he was in the film or not. Ultimately, Busey was paid his $750,000 dollar salary – which allegedly came out of Seagal’s pocket as a producer – but didn’t work a day on the picture.

Original screenplay title, before being converted into a sequel to “Under Siege”, was “In Dark Territory”.

During this production Steven Seagal started wearing a girdle to contain his blubbery stomach. This was apparently a temporary fix, as he intended to lose the excess weight eventually. This has not occurred.

The scene of the destroyed industrial facility in China recycles unused footage from On Deadly Ground (1994) (another Steven Seagal movie). In On Deadly Ground, it’s the burning Aegis Oil facility.

Filmmakers pioneered a new technique that enabled them to film all the interior train scenes (practically all the film) in the studio. Tennis balls glued on the studio walls were used as reference points to allow computers to insert footage of Colorado scenery, even when the camera moved around.

Jury Duty Preview

Matt Craven stands solemnly at the lectern. Head bowed. A hushed silence in the room. Suddenly he looks up and shouts, “Are you hunting for savings?” The crowd is blown back by his energy and showmanship. “Are you craving for deals like you’ve never seen?” he continues, pulling back a curtain revealing a poster-sized schematic of the library teetering precariously over the alleged chasm (or abyss). With flair, he tears off a portion of the schematic to reveal a brilliant future where the chasm (or abyss) has been filled with unwanted waste products and the library replaced with a mall-type building labelled Matt Craven’s Craving Hunting Palace. So Matt Craven was using his considerable influence to buy the land cheap, bulldoze the library and build a mini-mall. And they’d be willing to bet that Stranger & Stranger Construction would be doing the bulldozing and building. What a scheme! The room is rocking and before they know it the vote comes up and is nearly unanimous. Jamie looks across the room and sees that the only other ‘no’ vote was from a woman wearing a scowl on her face to go with her fetching pantsuit and briefcase. “Let’s get out of here,” Patrick says with disgust. “Just one second,” Jamie says and catches the woman before she leaves the auditorium. It becomes clear that she is not willing to give up the fight so easily. Jamie realizes he isn’t either. “Where can I meet you to talk more about this?” he asks and she smiles. “Well, we’re always looking for good people like you to serve on a jury,” she says as she hands him her card. It reads ‘Gertrude LaRouche, Attorney-at-Law.’ “Is that how that works?” Jamie asks, perplexed, and with a wink Ms. LaRouche smiles again. “It is now.” That’s right! We’re doing our civic duty and serving on a jury of its peers to judge Jury Duty, the Pauly Shore flick best known for being the film I thought the quote “That’s nice, Peanut” came from rather than the correct answer: Celtic Pride. My mind is just too beautiful. Let’s go!

Jury Duty (1995) – BMeTric: 59.8; Notability: 43

StreetCreditReport.com – BMeTric: top 2.0%; Notability: top 10.8%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 0.0%; Higher BMeT: Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers, Lawnmower Man 2: Beyond Cyberspace, Vampire in Brooklyn, Fair Game, Showgirls; Higher Notability: Congo, Judge Dredd, Under Siege 2: Dark Territory, Virtuosity, Money Train, Showgirls, Mighty Morphin Power Rangers, Stuart Saves His Family, Panther, Four Rooms, Things to Do in Denver When You’re Dead, Steal Big Steal Little, Tommy Boy, Assassins, Hackers, Jefferson in Paris, Canadian Bacon, Jade, Nine Months, Just Cause, and 7 more; Notes: Showgirls is a giant blindspot for us, but I’ve seen it multiple times and I also find it profoundly depressing, so there is that. This would have been the era where playing on television was a bit touch and go. Halloween 6 played only 3 times, Lawnmower Man 2 only 4 times, Vampire in Brooklyn was decent at 21, Fair Game was 28, Showgirls a shocking 25 times, and of course this played 64 times. Showgirls though … it played a lot on Showtime at 9PM which seems incredibly early. But I guess I’m a prude.

RogerEbert.com – 1.0 stars – The comedian Pauly Shore and I would find ourselves in agreement on one thing: The characters he plays are obnoxious. We part company, alas, on whether they are funny. I say they are not. … The screenplay, by Neil Tolkin, Barbara Williams and Samantha Adams, has some good lines, of which my favorite is, “Oh, to be young and on Death Row!” There are also many uses of anatomical terms, the usual toilet jokes, and ridicule of tabloid TV types who are, and I quote, “bottom-feeders who suckle on the juice of human tragedy.” I’m not sure the makers of this film should include themselves out.

(I’m not surprised Ebert hated it, and I appreciate that the review seems rather measured. Much more so than I would have imagined. Ah, to live in the day where it wasn’t all about dunking on people, even when those people are Pauly Shore in Jury Duty.)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bdKOtQlUS6s/

(I love the front part of this trailer. Like the film looks incredibly stupid, but I love the headfake on the serious film in the beginning. Just, they like don’t make ‘em like they used to. Also two OJ jokes in the trailer! THE TRAILER!!)

Directors – John Fortenberry – ( Future BMT: A Night at the Roxbury; BMT: Jury Duty; Notes: Does a ton of television, including Arrested Development, Psych, etc. A little odd he did any films at all … he maybe got this based on The Ben Stiller Show?)

Writers – Barbara Williams – ( BMT: Jury Duty; Notes: For whatever reason White House Down didn’t show up here, but it does seem like she has a credit on that. Might not be on TMDb.)

Samantha Adams – ( BMT: Jury Duty; Notes: Now this person only has Jury Duty. As a matter of fact this is the only information at all on her profile.)

Neil Tolkin – ( Known For: The Emperor’s Club; Future BMT: Richie Rich; License to Drive; BMT: Jury Duty; Notes: License to Drive is quite old, but he seems to have still been working a bit. Did the Magnum P.I. reboot.)

Actors – Pauly Shore – ( Known For: Sandy Wexler; Pauly Shore Is Dead; How It Ends; Heckler; Guest House; Phantom of the Mall: Eric’s Revenge; My Big Fat Independent Movie; Lost Angels; Opposite Day; Adopted; Pauly Shore Stands Alone; The Junior Defenders; Future BMT: Encino Man; Son in Law; Class Act; The Wash; For Keeps?; 18 Again!; BMT: Bio-Dome; In the Army Now; Bucky Larson: Born to Be a Star; Jury Duty; Notes: Things like Class Act and The Wash are bizarre. He has an amazing career. Bio-Dome, Jury Duty, In the Army Now, Encino Man, Son in Law. Five leading films, and then he completely flamed out. Maybe because he was difficult? Maybe the only person ever considered difficult for just being incredibly annoying?)

Tia Carrere – ( Known For: True Lies; Lilo & Stitch; Wayne’s World; Wayne’s World 2; Showdown in Little Tokyo; You May Not Kiss the Bride; Zombie Nightmare; Easter Sunday; My Teacher’s Wife; Hollow Point; Showdown in Manila; Wild Cherry; Gutshot Straight; 20 Dates; The Legend of Hallowaiian; The Immortals; Hard Breakers; Top of the World; Scar City; Merlin: The Return; Future BMT: Harley Davidson and the Marlboro Man; Kull the Conqueror; BMT: Rising Sun; High School High; Jury Duty; Notes: Was a regular on General Hospital. She almost only does voice work now. She was, weirdly, the star of a syndicated show called Relic Hunter I’ve never heard of. Ran for 66 episodes. First-run syndication was nuts back in the day.)

Stanley Tucci – ( Known For: The Hunger Games; Captain America: The First Avenger; The Hunger Games: Catching Fire; The Hunger Games: Mockingjay – Part 1; Spotlight; The Terminal; The Devil Wears Prada; Easy A; The Hunger Games: Mockingjay – Part 2; Beauty and the Beast; Lucky Number Slevin; Road to Perdition; The King’s Man; Robots; Margin Call; Jack the Giant Slayer; Julie & Julia; Percy Jackson: Sea of Monsters; Conclave; The Pelican Brief; Future BMT: The Lovely Bones; The Core; Maid in Manhattan; Beethoven; America’s Sweethearts; The Fifth Estate; Swing Vote; Billy Bathgate; Space Chimps; Who’s That Girl; Undercover Blues; In Too Deep; The Gun in Betty Lou’s Handbag; BMT: Transformers: Age of Extinction; Transformers: The Last Knight; Burlesque; Jury Duty; Show Dogs; Notes: The Tucc! Did you see the image of him when he was a Levi model or something. Absolute gun show.)

Budget/Gross – $21 million / Domestic: $17,014,653 (Worldwide: $17,014,653)

(Not what you want. I wonder why it cost so much … do you think it could be the rights to 12 Angry Men? It is almost explicitly a remake. Probably it is just that Shore cost a chunk of change by then.)

Rotten Tomatoes – 0% (0/14)

(Wow, incredible. But not surprising. If you want a consensus: The only thing amusing about this film is that is released during the O.J. Simpson trial.)

NYTimes Short Review: Loafer disrupts murder trial. Painfully unfunny.

Poster – Cutey Patooty

(Remember when that was a thing? No? Guess you weren’t watching Rosie O’Donnell like the cool kids. This is probably the best case scenario in what is a very unartistic style of poster. Wish the font was better, but it is getting the idea across. It’s funny because Pauly Shore is an idiot and now is involved in justice. B+)

Tagline(s) – For truth. For justice. For five bucks a day. (A+)

(Yes, please! This is great and fits perfectly into the rubric of what I look for. Unapologetic for the grade.)

Keyword(s) – top BMeT

BMT: Epic Movie (2007), Meet the Spartans (2008), Battlefield Earth (2000), Dragonball Evolution (2009), Catwoman (2004), Jack and Jill (2011), Batman & Robin (1997), Son of the Mask (2005), The Room (2003), The Emoji Movie (2017), Cats (2019), Gigli (2003), Scary Movie V (2013), Alone in the Dark (2005), Jaws: The Revenge (1987), The Last Airbender (2010), Mortal Kombat: Annihilation (1997), The Wicker Man (2006), Manos: The Hands of Fate (1966), Madame Web (2024), Superman IV: The Quest for Peace (1987), Fifty Shades of Grey (2015), Speed 2: Cruise Control (1997), Slender Man (2018), Dumb and Dumberer: When Harry Met Lloyd (2003), Jaws 3-D (1983), Troll 2 (1990), The Love Guru (2008), Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2 (2004), In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale (2007), The Cat in the Hat (2003), The Avengers (1998), Crossroads (2002), Halloween: Resurrection (2002), The Fog (2005), Fantastic Four (2015), Rollerball (2002), Baby Geniuses (1999), Spice World (1997), From Justin to Kelly (2003), Dungeons & Dragons (2000), Norbit (2007),…

Best Options (Comedy): 96.3 Disaster Movie (2008), 93.6 Date Movie (2006), 90.7 Vampires Suck (2010), 86.9 Street Fighter (1994), 86.6 The Adventures of Sharkboy and Lavagirl 3-D (2005), 84.1 Spy Kids 4: All the Time in the World (2011), 83.1 Inspector Gadget (1999), 79.5 Daddy Day Camp (2007), 79.4 Home Alone 3 (1997), 78.1 Who’s Your Caddy? (2007), 77.9 Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked (2011), 77.9 Nutty Professor II: The Klumps (2000), 76.0 Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakquel (2009), 75.5 Look Who’s Talking Now (1993), 75.2 Superhero Movie (2008), 74.9 Junior (1994), 72.7 Look Who’s Talking Too (1990), 72.6 Teen Wolf Too (1987), 72.4 Bewitched (2005), 72.4 Dance Flick (2009), 72.3 Legally Blonde 2: Red, White & Blonde (2003), 72.3 Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector (2006), 72.3 Zoom (2006), 72.1 Mr. Magoo (1997), 70.9 Snatched (2017), 70.8 The Shaggy Dog (2006), 69.8 Delta Farce (2007), 69.8 College Road Trip (2008), 69.5 Gulliver’s Travels (2010), 69.5 Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen (2004), 69.5 The Santa Clause 3: The Escape Clause (2006), 69.3 Soul Plane (2004), 69.2 Norm of the North (2016), 68.8 Yogi Bear (2010), 68.4 Meet the Blacks (2016), 68.1 Smokey and the Bandit Part 3 (1983), 68.1 Cats & Dogs: The Revenge of Kitty Galore (2010), 67.8 Thunderbirds (2004), 67.7 Seed of Chucky (2004), 67.6 Phat Girlz (2006), 67.3 Mr. Nanny (1993), 66.7 In the Mix (2005), 66.2 102 Dalmatians (2000), 65.3 An American Carol (2008), 65.1 Scary Movie 4 (2006), 64.9 The Comebacks (2007), 64.9 Sex Tape (2014), 64.7 Tooth Fairy (2010), 64.7 Fat Albert (2004), 64.6 Boat Trip (2002), 64.4 Van Wilder: The Rise of Taj (2006), 64.2 Agent Cody Banks 2: Destination London (2004), 64.2 Diary of a Wimpy Kid: The Long Haul (2017), 64.0 Underdog (2007), 63.8 The Dukes of Hazzard (2005), 63.7 Hot Tub Time Machine 2 (2015), 62.9 The Honeymooners (2005), 62.7 Space Chimps (2008), 61.8 Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Road Chip (2015), 61.7 Like a Boss (2020), 61.7 Cop & ½ (1993), 61.3 Madea Goes to Jail (2009), 61.2 Beethoven’s 2nd (1993), 61.0 Meet Dave (2008), 60.8 College (2008), 60.7 Happily N’Ever After (2006), 60.5 Hoodwinked Too! Hood vs. Evil (2011), 60.3 Witless Protection (2008), 60.3 Code Name: The Cleaner (2007), 59.9 Agent Cody Banks (2003), 59.8 First Sunday (2008), 59.7 Jury Duty (1995), …

(Junior was probably the other one were could have gone with here, but it is crazy that we haven’t watched the Pauly Shore films basically straight out.)

Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 18) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Charles Napier is No. 6 billed in Jury Duty and No. 3 billed in Rambo: First Blood Part II, which also stars Sylvester Stallone (No. 1 billed) who is in The Expendables 3 (No. 1 billed) which also stars Jason Statham (No. 2 billed) who is in In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale (No. 1 billed) which also stars Leelee Sobieski (No. 3 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 1 billed) => (6 + 3) + (1 + 1) + (2 + 1) + (3 + 1) = 18. If we were to watch Encino Man, and Extraordinary Measures we can get the HoE Number down to 13.

Notes – Stanley Tucci hated the movie and was so frustrated during filming that he started writing his own screenplay just to give himself a good part. That screenplay later became Big Night (1996), his acclaimed directorial debut film.

The character Tom[my] Collins is named after the mixed drink of the same name.

Shelley Winters’ last US Studio film.

Failed to recoup its budget ($21 million + marketing costs) and brought in only $17 million in ticket sales, making it a box office bomb.

The first Pauly Shore comedy to not star Brendan Fraser in any capacity.

Awards – Winner for the Razzie Award for Worst Actor (Pauly Shore)