cycle: past and future kings – Page 3

Ben-Hur (2016) Preview

Patrick walks through campus deep in thought. Where do you go when you are Sly Stallone in 1989? He said ‘school’ so that’s where he went. People point and gawk at the sad lonely walk of a Sly Stallone. A crowd forms and soon he’s surrounded by looky loos. “Sly! Flex for us,” one shouts. “Yo, Adrian! Where’s Adrian?” another chides playfully. In a sudden panic he tries to escape the taunts, but he can’t break through. He cocks back his arm, ready to use his age-appropriate muscles crafted from years of exercise and eating well. Before he can pulverize an innocent fan he feels a tiny hand on his arm and a quiet voice asking “Sly, sir, may I get an autograph?” He looks down to see a child, no more than three or four. He’s dressed in the colors of the college, ready to root on his favorite team, “Gladiators” splashed across his chest. Patrick’s eyes widen. “Kyle?” he gasps.

Jamie walks through campus deep in thought. Frankie Jr. is popping b-gum (as the kids now call it) and strutting around the school. “Yo, pops, you’re cramping my style.” Jamie just murmurs sorry and continues to think. If he’s here, where is Patrick? Who is Patrick? He looks around in panic, suddenly gripped by paranoia. Who is anyone? He grabs a nearby student and screams, “Who are you?” much to the horror of Frankie Jr. He feels a hand on his shoulder and turns around, his arm cocked back, old skin drooping down from years of hard living. The principal stands in front of him, an old man with gray hair and beard. He’s dressed in the colors of the school, “The New Gladiators” splashes across his chest. Jamie’s eyes widen. “Kyle?” he gasps.

That’s right! It’s a double gladiator week as we catch the 2016 remake of Ben-Hur and pair it with an Italian sci-fi picture, The New Gladiators. Remaking Ben-Hur was always a mistake. It’s also appropriate we catch at least one Italian film in this cycle as they played such a big role in the type of future/action genre of the times. Let’s go!

Ben-Hur (2016) – BMeTric: 41.2; Notability: 61

StreetCreditReport.com – BMeTric: top 16.4%; Notability: top 4.4%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 20.4%; Higher BMeT: Fifty Shades of Black, Zoolander 2, Cell, The Forest, Exposed, Yoga Hosers, Meet the Blacks, Cabin Fever, Max Steel, The Darkness, Dark Crimes, Blair Witch, Independence Day: Resurgence, The 5th Wave, Urge, Shut In, Boo! A Madea Halloween, Gods of Egypt, Get a Job, The Assignment, and 21 more; Higher Notability: Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice, Suicide Squad, Zoolander 2, Independence Day: Resurgence, The Brothers Grimsby, Alice Through the Looking Glass, Warcraft, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Out of the Shadows, Allegiant, The Huntsman: Winter’s War, Ice Age: Collision Course; Lower RT: Cabin Fever, Dark Crimes, Term Life, Urge, Max Steel, Amateur Night, The Darkness, Fifty Shades of Black, Shut In, Misconduct, Mother’s Day, Exposed, The Do-Over, Get a Job, I.T., Dirty Grandpa, The Forest, Cell, Allegiant, The Choice, and 30 more; Notes: The notability is off the hook here. It’s 2016, so obviously there are going to be huge ones coming out around then, but it is near The Huntsman sequel? That’s big.

RogerEbert.com – 3.0 stars – Does the movie radically re-arrange both its source material and that material’s most famous adaptation? It sure as hell does. But I doubt that many contemporary viewers consider either of those as holy writ. This is a “Ben-Hur” of and for its time, but also a little better than its time, it turns out. I’m not qualified to say whether it’s an effective delivery system for its Christian message, but I think I can credibly pronounce it a good popcorn movie.

(My God. One of the big pluses for this film according to this review is: it’s shorter than the previous 4 hour epic. Alright. For the record I liked the previous adaptation. It is long, but has some really interesting stuff in it. Somehow I still doubt this stands up.)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gLJdzky63BA/

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gLJdzky63BA/

(Wow, the hard rock soundtrack is an interesting take. Also, absolutely nothing about Jesus in the whole trailer? Just hard core chariot action? I would be down if that were the case. Unfortunately, it is not.)

Directors – Timur Bekmambetov – ( Known For: Wanted; Profile; Night Watch; Day Watch; V2. Escape from Hell; The Arena; The Irony of Fate 2; Yolki 5; Six Degrees of Celebration; Yolki 1914; Peshawar Waltz; Future BMT: Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter; BMT: Ben-Hur; Notes: He was born in what is now Kazakhstan. Night Watch and Day Watch are a series about vampires that made him famous.)

Writers – Lew Wallace – ( Known For: Ben-Hur; Ben-Hur: A Tale of the Christ; BMT: Ben-Hur; Notes: He’s the author of the original book. He died in 1905. He was also the governor of the New Mexico Territory and later minister to Turkey besides being an author.)

Keith R. Clarke – ( Known For: The Way Back; BMT: Ben-Hur; Notes: Not much about him. He has an upcoming movie which sounds like Catch-22 but concerning redeployment to Afghanistan.)

John Ridley – ( Known For: 12 Years a Slave; Three Kings; U Turn; Needle in a Timestack; Red Tails; Undercover Brother; Jimi: All Is by My Side; Cold Around the Heart; BMT: Ben-Hur; Notes: He won an Oscar for 12 Years a Slave. He wrote a draft for Beverly Hills Cop 4 which apparently was rejected.)

Actors – Jack Huston – ( Known For: House of Gucci; The Irishman; American Hustle; Pride and Prejudice and Zombies; The Twilight Saga: Eclipse; Hail, Caesar!; Their Finest; Antebellum; Above Suspicion; Kill Your Darlings; Outlander; Factory Girl; Earthquake Bird; Shrink; Night Train to Lisbon; Shrooms; The Yellow Birds; Boogie Woogie; Not Fade Away; Mr. Nice; Future BMT: The Longest Ride; BMT: Ben-Hur; Notes: For a while I was convinced this was Jack Heston, as in a stunt cast to cast Charlton Heston’s son. Nope, this is Anjelica Huston’s nephew and thus John Huston’s grandson. Heston does have a son, he directed the box office bomb Alaska.)

Toby Kebbell – ( Known For: RocknRolla; Kong: Skull Island; War for the Planet of the Apes; Match Point; Dawn of the Planet of the Apes; Gold; Dead Man’s Shoes; A Monster Calls; War Horse; The Sorcerer’s Apprentice; Destroyer; Control; The East; The Conspirator; Chéri; The Angel; The Hurricane Heist; Held for Ransom; Wilderness; Becoming; Future BMT: Alexander; Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time; The Counselor; Wrath of the Titans; BMT: Fantastic Four; Warcraft; Bloodshot; Ben-Hur; Notes: He’s English and was nominated as a Rising Star at the BAFTAs.)

Rodrigo Santoro – ( Known For: 300; Love Actually; Focus; 300: Rise of an Empire; Rio; Project Power; Charlie’s Angels: Full Throttle; 7 Prisoners; The Last Stand; Rio 2; I Love You Phillip Morris; The 33; Jane Got a Gun; Pele: Birth of a Legend; Redbelt; Carandiru; There Be Dragons; Rio, I Love You; Last Call; Monica and Friends: Bonds; Future BMT: Post Grad; BMT: What to Expect When You’re Expecting; Ben-Hur; Notes: From Brazil, and most notable for his role in Westworld. He also was the voice of Stuart Little in the Brazilian dubbed version of both movies.)

Budget/Gross – $100,000,000 / Domestic: $26,410,477 (Worldwide: $94,061,311)

(My god, what a bomb. I’m telling you, they should have got James Cameron to do it. That would have been the way to make a Ben-Hur film.)

Rotten Tomatoes – 25% (47/191): How do you fight an idea? By filming a remake that has too few of its own, and tries to cover it up with choppy editing and CGI.

(Jamie had to point out to me that “how do you fight an idea” is a big part of the previous Ben-Hur film. I’ve seen that film. But I didn’t remember the quote. The Rotten Tomatoes consensus hitting that up hard in a tongue in cheek manner is weird, but at least now it makes sense to my brain instead of sounding like actual gibberish.)

Reviewer Highlight: Very rarely does it try to impress us, or overwhelm us, shock us, move us. – K. Austin Collins, The Ringer

Poster – Jesus: The Movie

(It’s an exciting picture from the film, but not exactly poster material. Nice font, though. Comes out just about even. C.)

Tagline(s) – Brother against brother. Slave against empire. (B)

(I can’t fault it for passing up the rule of three. Would have gotten pretty long if you tried to add another one. But needs something more to get to the next level. “Crime against God” doesn’t work, but that’s the kind of clever third entry they could have tried. Just merely good as it is.)

Keyword(s) – past

Top 10: The Shawshank Redemption (1994), Forrest Gump (1994), The Dark Knight Rises (2012), Django Unchained (2012), Gladiator (2000), Inglourious Basterds (2009), Saving Private Ryan (1998), Schindler’s List (1993), The Prestige (2006), Shutter Island (2010)

Future BMT: 88.6 BloodRayne (2005), 72.9 The Unborn (2009), 70.3 Texas Chainsaw (2013), 70.1 Black Christmas (2006), 69.7 Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III (1993), 65.8 The Woman in Black 2: Angel of Death (2014), 64.5 The Final Destination (2009), 62.1 The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor (2008), 59.7 Exorcist: The Beginning (2004), 59.0 Apollo 18 (2011)

BMT: Epic Movie (2007), Superman IV: The Quest for Peace (1987), The Fog (2005), Movie 43 (2013), Super Mario Bros. (1993), Glitter (2001), Holmes & Watson (2018), The Master of Disguise (2002), The Legend of Hercules (2014), Grease 2 (1982), The Bye Bye Man (2017), Jonah Hex (2010), Freddy’s Dead: The Final Nightmare (1991), Wild Wild West (1999), Highlander: The Final Dimension (1994), The Ridiculous 6 (2015), Highlander: Endgame (2000), Black Knight (2001), Chernobyl Diaries (2012), A Nightmare on Elm Street 5: The Dream Child (1989), Cool World (1992), The Musketeer (2001), An American Haunting (2005), Ishtar (1987), The Nun (2018), The Curse of La Llorona (2019), Pinocchio (2002), Hellraiser: Bloodline (1996), Bones (2001), Shanghai Surprise (1986), House of Wax (2005), Return to the Blue Lagoon (1991), Season of the Witch (2011), The Tuxedo (2002), Mannequin: On the Move (1991), Pompeii (2014), Ghost Ship (2002), Assassin’s Creed (2016), The Scarlet Letter (1995), Timeline (2003), Dolittle (2020), The Quest (1996), X-Men: Dark Phoenix (2019), Wagons East (1994), The Three Musketeers (2011), Diana (2013), Ben-Hur (2016), Rambo III (1988), Around the World in 80 Days (2004), The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning (2006), The Blue Lagoon (1980), Cutthroat Island (1995), Texas Rangers (2001), Sucker Punch (2011), Captain Corelli’s Mandolin (2001), Jobs (2013), Universal Soldier (1992), Dirty Dancing: Havana Nights (2004), Friday the 13th Part 2 (1981), Original Sin (2001), Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters (2013), American Outlaws (2001), Winter’s Tale (2014), Harlem Nights (1989), The Identical (2014), I Dreamed of Africa (2000), The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (2003), The Chamber (1996), The Marrying Man (1991), Wild Bill (1995), In Love and War (1996), Sleepaway Camp (1983), Gods and Generals (2003), The Lone Ranger (2013), X-Men Origins: Wolverine (2009), Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales (2017), Rambo: First Blood Part II (1985), Halloween II (1981), September Dawn (2007), Young Guns II (1990), Oscar (1991), Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides (2011), Evening (2007), The 13th Warrior (1999), White Comanche (1968), Gangster Squad (2013), Now and Then (1995), A Dog’s Purpose (2017)

Best Options (Action): 88.6 BloodRayne (2005), 69.7 Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III (1993), 64.5 The Final Destination (2009), 62.1 The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor (2008), 56.7 Robin Hood (2018), 53.7 Spy Hard (1996), 50.1 The Last Legion (2007), 48.2 You Don’t Mess with the Zohan (2008), 48.0 Alexander (2004), 47.9 King Solomon’s Mines (1985), 47.7 The Dark Tower (2017), 47.1 Bad Girls (1994), 45.9 Samson (2018), 45.5 Operation Dumbo Drop (1995), 45.3 Red Scorpion (1988), 44.6 G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra (2009), 43.6 Top Dog (1995), 43.5 Missing in Action (1984), 43.3 The Kitchen (2019), 43.2 Iron Eagle (1986), 42.5 Pan (2015), 41.3 Ben-Hur (2016), 40.9 The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen (2003), 40.3 End of Days (1999), 40.2 The Delta Force (1986), (and many more)

(We went far down here, but actually really like … look at the options. The only other one I could have maybe went for was the other notorious bomb, Alexander. There are just so many films sent in the past that are terrible.)

Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 18) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Morgan Freeman is No. 4 billed in Ben-Hur and No. 1 billed in Kiss the Girls, which also stars Ashley Judd (No. 2 billed) who is in The Identical (No. 2 billed) which also stars Ray Liotta (No. 3 billed) who is in In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale (No. 2 billed) which also stars Leelee Sobieski (No. 3 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 1 billed) => (4 + 1) + (2 + 2) + (3 + 2) + (3 + 1) = 18. If we were to watch Just Getting Started we can get the HoE Number down to 16.

Notes – Director Timur Bekmambetov insisted that the chariot circus be built for real, and be realized with as little computer graphics imagery as possible. He felt it was absolutely necessary to make the chariot race look and feel realistic.

This version of the story is 87 minutes shorter than the previous version, Ben-Hur (1959).

Timur Bekmambetov explained the film’s adaptation in an interview with “Collider”: “When we say ‘original “Ben-Hur”,’ we have to be very concrete about which original version we are talking about. There were two big-screen versions made, in 1925 [Ben-Hur: A Tale of the Christ (1925)] and 1959 [Ben-Hur (1959)]. These are the two most famous ones. There was also a Broadway stage version at the beginning of the 20th century. There have been a lot of television versions. The Ben-Hur story reminds me of ‘Romeo and Juliet’, ‘Hamlet’ and any story written by [Anton Chekhov]. It is timeless, so every new generation wants to go back to it in order to adapt it for the new world. The screen version made in 1959 runs for four hours, and there [are] only a small number of people who can actually stay through the whole movie. It is about people different from us. And it’s normal, because people used to be different. The audience was different, too, as well as the cinema language the film was made in. The 1959 movie was about revenge, not about forgiveness. For me that was the main problem, as I think that the novel is mainly about forgiveness, about the fact that a human being learned how to forgive. I got so excited about the project when I read John Ridley’s script. I understood that John’s vision of the story has so much light to it, and that he shares the same thoughts about certain morals as I do. We talked with him about our modern world, which actually reminds me very much of a huge Roman Empire. In the Roman Empire the most important values were pride, rivalry, power, strength, the dictatorship of power and self-love. This kind of world does not have any prospects today. Humanity has to learn how to love and forgive. This would be our only solution.”

The film was originally set for release on February 26, 2016. In October 2015 it was pushed back to August 12, 2016.

Grease 2 Recap

Jamie

Generally for a BMT film there is some context as to how it has attained a coveted spot in the BMT rotation. Perhaps it was released around the time BMT was created and it’s stuck in our minds as a quintessential “bad movie,” even if it has now been forgotten to the Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time. Perhaps it stars an actor we’ve come to know and love during our BMTventure. Perhaps it so perfectly fits an otherwise restrictive BMT cycle that it can’t be denied. But sometimes a movie has none of these things. It just is a movie that we have always heard is bad and so we say “sure why not.” Grease 2 is kinda like that. Did I have a burning desire to watch Grease 2? Not really. In fact, I don’t even really like Grease all that much. I remember seeing it in theaters during the 1998 rerelease and my main takeaway was “boy, that was long,” and it was only 110 minutes. So yeah… it’s Grease 2!

To summarize, Sandy’s cousin Michael has arrived at Rydell and is instantly smitten with Stephanie, the head of the Pink Ladies. One problem, she only dates T-Birds and her recent ex, Johnny, isn’t about to let him into the gang. At the coolest place in town, the local bowling alley (the one thing the movie gets right), the Cycle Lords show up to harass the T-Birds. Michael soon realizes how he can win over Stephanie: become the coolest biker in town. He buys a run down bike and starts training in a big ol’ training montage. In order to get spare parts he helps people cheat on homework for cash. Basically, he’s already the coolest kid around, but still pursues this mysterious biker persona to impress Stephanie. Soon thereafter he is able to crush the Cycle Lords and takes Stephanie out on a date, all as the Cool Rider, a masked vigilante that sounds a lot cooler than it is. The T-Birds are incensed and promise to take out Cool Rider at the big talent show… which I forgot to mention is a big part of the film. When the talent show arrives Cool Rider is chased off by the T-Birds who no joke think they accidentally kill him by running him over the side of a cliff. They all shrug because they are maniacs and go back to the talent show. There Stephanie sings a solo for her dead beau and is crowned queen of the show, with Johnny as her king. At the graduation party later, the Cycle Lords show up, but so does Michael and he’s like… super cool. He defeats everyone with his radness, becomes a T-Bird and smooches Stephanie for sure. THE END

My overall impression of the film is that it’s pleasant enough, but the songs suck. It’s a lethal combination because a pleasant film becomes real boring when 80% of the songs are laughably bad. It’s not without some positive notes, though. My favorite bit is that the T-Birds are legit losers in this one. It gives a better real world impression of the gangs as fleeting high school fantasies. The instant they graduate it will all fade, but in the moment they pretend that they rule the roost (even when it’s clearly not true, like in this case). As for our friend, Class of 1999 is quite a fun film. I’m a well known Keach-head (we talking about The Keach?) and he is in full on “I have to watch every film this maniac made” mode. Much like Brion James there seems to have been a point where The Keach decided that he would never say no and also when he said yes he’d also do whatever the hell he wanted. It’s pretty great. Recommend.

Hot Take Clam Bake! The songs in Grease 2 are good!… JK, not the case. I will say that it’s pretty obvious that Michael and Stephanie will last 3 months at best. He’s a genius. She won’t date him until he is part of a gang full of losers, showing questionable judgment at best. By the time he’s leaving to attend Oxford the romance will have fizzled. He’ll give her a lackluster, “come with me to England,” but like Hardin in the After series she’s going to be asking what there would be in England for her? She just gonna bum around with no friends while he goes off to his friends in the publishing/academic world? No! She’s Stephanie and she looks just like a young Michelle Pfeiffer. You can’t stop that train from rolling on up the street to Hollywood where she becomes the biggest star in the world. One day he’ll show up at her latest premier and say “remember me?” and she’ll say “nope.” Boy, that hot take was a journey. Hot Take Temperature: Truffalo. Patrick?

Patrick

‘Ello everyone! Grease 2? More like Greasy Poo, amirite? Gross, but yeah, at least from one perspective I’m right. Let’s go!

If you were to think it through, what is the one thing Grease 2 needs to get right? The songs, right? The songs from Grease are classics. Summer Lovin’, Beauty School Dropout, Grease Lightning, You’re the One that I Want. You see, off the top of my head I can name four of them. So obviously the one thing you’re going to be 100% sure of is that you got some real bangers for the Grease 2 soundtrack, right?
WRONG. Besides Cool Rider (which is catchy enough I was singing the refrain from it for a week after), none of them are particularly catchy, and most are, in fact, downright terrible. Reproduction is probably the worst of the bunch, although not because it isn’t catchy (it is), but because it is an absurd pseudo-parody of what a Grease 2 should sound like.
Jamie likes to do hot takes. You want to hear mine? Rock N’ Roll High School is what Grease 2 should have been. You jump forward to a whole other era and thus you jump to a whole other genre of popular music. The film becomes about how classic musicals are out, and what is in is rock n’ roll and casting real life musical artists in films. Temperature: Caribbean Jerk.
Pfeiffer is actually incredible in this, she is head and shoulders above anyone else in the film IMO. Also some fun stuff with the T-birds which makes them kind of hapless losers once Travolta left. There are bits and pieces where you can see what they were going for, but ultimately the songs let them down.
I think we have a bonafide Planchet Alert (Who?) for Leif Green as Davey, complete with him riding exclusively in a sidecar the entire film, it is great. I don’t think there is anything else of concern. This film is closest to BMT, it is kind of crazy fun in its weirdness and easy breezy.
To pair up a future film with Grease 2 we obviously went to a classic in futuristic high schools: Class of 1999. The follow up to the quite good Class of 1984 (we are the future!), this film is one weird exercise in tepid special effects and the suspension of disbelief that Joshua John Miller is some sort of hardcore gangbanger in dystopian Detroit circa 1999. Much like RoboCop, what is the solution to the crime problem in the future where super criminal teenagers kill for fun? ROBOTS! The robot teachers, led by Crichton-esque albino (?) scientist Stacy Keach who compulsively eats bananas (?), obviously decide that murder most foul is the only way to really clean up the streetz. This ultimately leads to a showdown between the gang leaders and this unstoppable force. Seeing Pam Grier is fun. But really, the main thing this film has going for it is Keach in all of his snow-white colored contact lensed glory. What an absolute legend. A, would definitely recommend this as a weird watch, especially if you’ve seen the more self-serious Class of 1984.

Check out the quiz for the mid-credits sequence from Grease 2 (long lost) which explains why there was never a sequel. Cheerios,

The Sklogs

Grease 2 Quiz

Oh man, so there I was bipping and bopping to some rad tunes. I’m part of a gang (NBD), we have leather jackets (NBD), we’re pretty cool. Anyways, suddenly a real cool rider came out of nowhere and almost ran me over! Well, needless to say I fell over out of shock and bopped my head real good, and now I can’t remember a thing. Do you remember what happened in Grease 2?

Pop Quiz Hot Shot!

1) In the beginning of the film we meet one of our heroes, Michael. He’s from England. Who and how is he related to the cast of the original film?

2) Michael meets Stephanie and it is love are first sight, the problem is Stephanie wants nothing to do with this loser Michael. What is Stephanie really looking for in a man?

3) How does Michael earn all the money for that sweet ride he’s checking out, and where does he get it from?

4) On the night of the big talent show Michael is tragically killed (oh no!). Oh wait … no he’s not, he’s just a big faking faker. How does he fake his death?

5) What is the theme for the big end of the year graduation bash?

Bonus Question: In the mid-credits scene Michael and Stephanie have just been married, and then have a real special guest at the wedding. Who?

Answers

Grease 2 Preview

Patrick looks around. Not only is the Dongle nowhere in sight, but neither is Jamie. He shivers. They’ve been separated a number of times during their adventures, and it usually didn’t turn out great. It would appear he is in a big old house, but before he can fully get his bearings he’s interrupted by a coy “yoo hoo.” When he turns his mouth goes dry. A very beautiful lady wearing an indecent amount of clothes is beckoning him. “Come back to bed, Sly,” she coos, further startling Patrick. He grabs one of the many nearby hand mirrors and screams in terror. Staring back at him is none other than Sly Stallone! Shaking out a nearby New York Times he finds a surprisingly good review for Speed Zone. My word, it’s 1989. “Where are you going?” yells the beautiful lady incredulously. He tries to think fast as he throws on whatever clothes can fit on his monstrous body. “Uh, school,” he sputters dumbly, stumbling out of the door.

Jamie looks around. Not only is the Dongle nowhere in sight, but neither is Patrick. Well, when the Patricks are away, the Jamies will play. The house he’s in is pretty dope and he can’t help but bump some tunes while making a few sandwiches. Through a mouthful of ‘wich he starts to sing along but is startled to hear what comes out. His voice has always been good… but not THIS GOOD. He rushes to the bathroom and gasps. He’s Frank Stallone… and he’s looking pretty rough. A teenage boy turns the corner and dumbly says, “Yo, Daddio, heading out for the first day of school. Senior year is gonna rock!” Jamie gasps again. His son is wearing a Class of 2031 shirt. He’s Frank Stallone and he’s 80 years old.

That’s right! We are fully transitioning to our Bring a Friend split story where on one side we are heading into the past. And on the other (smaller) side we are heading to the future. This time we are heading back to school with the one-two punch of Grease 2 and Class of 1999. Good combo as on one side we have a stark apocalyptic vision of high school life and on the other we have Class of 1999. Let’s go!

Grease 2 (1982) – BMeTric: 74.8; Notability: 44

StreetCreditReport.com – BMeTric: top 0.0%; Notability: top 1.6%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 11.1%; Higher Notability: Young Doctors in Love, Firefox, Trail of the Pink Panther, Movie Madness; Lower RT: Megaforce, Class Reunion, Movie Madness, The Dorm That Dripped Blood, Monsignor, The Toy, Zapped!, Friday the 13th Part III, Five Days One Summer, Parasite, The Beast Within, Losin’ It, Amityville II: The Possession, Vigilante, Fighting Back, Trail of the Pink Panther, Summer Lovers, Wrong Is Right, Lookin’ to Get Out, Young Doctors in Love, and 2 more; Notes: Wow, the BMeTric is really gaudy, especially for 1982. I sometimes forget just how well known this is as a bad movie.

RogerEbert.com – 2.0 stars – If ever there was a time for a punk “Grease,” that time is now. The original “Grease” was born all those many years ago as an affectionate memory of a Chicago high school in the 1950s. It went through a lot of changes on Its way through Broadway to Hollywood, but at least when John Travolta whipped out his pocket comb and slicked back his hair, we knew we were in the right era.

(Actually … that is a pretty good point Ebert. It would have made perfect sense to flash forward to like the 70s and have people’s children be the main characters, and other main characters from the original as teachers and junk. Basically Rock and Roll High School I suppose.)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WQTUEj-TqLo

(That is quite the trailer. Like … the whole movie? You see probably two thirds of the songs in some capacity. The reproduction song is absurd.)

Directors – Patricia Birch – ( BMT: Grease 2; Notes: Won two Emmy for Great Performances, and was nominated for five Tonys for best choreography (including for Grease).)

Writers – Ken Finkleman – ( Known For: Airplane II: The Sequel; Illegally Yours; Future BMT: Who’s That Girl; Head Office; BMT: Grease 2; Razzie Notes: Nominee for Worst Screenplay for Who’s That Girl in 1988; Notes: Nominated for an Emmy for Van Dyke and Company. Created The Newsroom among other things on television.)

Jim Jacobs and Warren Casey – ( Known For: Grease; BMT: Grease 2; Notes: They wrote the book for Grease on Broadway and they get Grease credits based on that.)

Actors – Michelle Pfeiffer – ( Known For: Avengers: Endgame; Scarface; Mother!; Murder on the Orient Express; Stardust; What Lies Beneath; Batman Returns; The Prince of Egypt; Ant-Man and the Wasp; Hairspray; The Witches of Eastwick; Dangerous Liaisons; The Age of Innocence; Ladyhawke; The Deep End of the Ocean; A Midsummer Night’s Dream; Wolf; Frankie and Johnny; White Oleander; Married to the Mob; Future BMT: Dark Shadows; The Family; Maleficent: Mistress of Evil; I Am Sam; Up Close & Personal; The Story of Us; To Gillian on Her 37th Birthday; BMT: Grease 2; Dangerous Minds; New Year’s Eve; A Thousand Acres; Notes: A very early credit for her, she would break out the next year with Scarface. Nominated for three Oscars for Dangerous Liaisons, The Fabulous Baker Boys, and Love Field. Dangerous Liaisons is what Cruel Intentions is based on.)

Maxwell Caulfield – ( Known For: Empire Records; Gettysburg; Electric Dreams; The Boys Next Door; Sundown: The Vampire in Retreat; Accident; Waxwork II: Lost in Time; Dance with Death; The Real Blonde; Oblivion 2: Backlash; Mind Games; Facing the Enemy; The Supernaturals; Submerged; Fatal Sky; Future BMT: The Man Who Knew Too Little; Calendar Girl; BMT: Grease 2; Notes: British. He was actually in quite a few American movies before going back to England to work on ITV shows and such. Probably most famously Casualty, which is a huge show.)

Lorna Luft – ( Known For: Where the Boys Are; I Could Go on Singing; Future BMT: 54; My Giant; BMT: Grease 2; Notes: Nominated for an Emmy for producing Life with Judy Garland: Me and My Shadows. She is, in fact, Judy Garland’s daughter.)

Budget/Gross – $11.2 million / Domestic: $15,171,476 (Worldwide: $15,171,476)

(That isn’t great. At least, no way they were expecting such a return for the sequel to Grease. I think I see the issue though … the movie doesn’t have good songs.)

Rotten Tomatoes – 35% (15/43): Grease 2 is undeniably stocked with solid songs and well-choreographed dance sequences, but there’s no getting around the fact that it’s a blatant retread of its far more entertaining predecessor.

(SOLID SONGS?! This movie is “stocked” with solid songs? That is what we are going with. Absurd! I’ve seen the film. The songs are, bar one or two, pretty terrible.)

Reviewer Highlight: Grease 2 is dizzy and slight, with an even more negligible plot than its predecessor had. This time the story can’t even masquerade as an excuse for stringing the songs together. – Janet Maslin, New York Times

Poster – Grease 2: This Time They’re Lame

(I guess it’s a classic take on a poster, but it doesn’t mean I have to like it. What a difference a sequel makes. The first film you get Travolta and ONJ. Electric. This time you have Pfeiffer, sure, but then anonymous random dude #4. What a let down. C-)

Tagline(s) – The Music and Feeling go on Forever (D)

(I don’t know what that means, and you know what? I don’t care to find out.)

Keyword(s) – past

BMT: Epic Movie (2007), Superman IV: The Quest for Peace (1987), The Fog (2005), Movie 43 (2013), Super Mario Bros. (1993), Glitter (2001), Holmes & Watson (2018), The Master of Disguise (2002), The Legend of Hercules (2014), Grease 2 (1982), The Bye Bye Man (2017), Jonah Hex (2010), Freddy’s Dead: The Final Nightmare (1991), Wild Wild West (1999), Highlander: The Final Dimension (1994), The Ridiculous 6 (2015), Highlander: Endgame (2000), Black Knight (2001), Chernobyl Diaries (2012), A Nightmare on Elm Street 5: The Dream Child (1989), Cool World (1992), The Musketeer (2001), An American Haunting (2005), Ishtar (1987), The Nun (2018), The Curse of La Llorona (2019), Pinocchio (2002), Hellraiser: Bloodline (1996), Bones (2001), Shanghai Surprise (1986), House of Wax (2005), Return to the Blue Lagoon (1991), Season of the Witch (2011), The Tuxedo (2002), Mannequin: On the Move (1991), Pompeii (2014), Ghost Ship (2002), Assassin’s Creed (2016), The Scarlet Letter (1995), Timeline (2003), Dolittle (2020), The Quest (1996), X-Men: Dark Phoenix (2019), Wagons East (1994), The Three Musketeers (2011), Diana (2013), Rambo III (1988), Around the World in 80 Days (2004), The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning (2006), The Blue Lagoon (1980), Cutthroat Island (1995), Texas Rangers (2001), Sucker Punch (2011), Captain Corelli’s Mandolin (2001), Jobs (2013), Universal Soldier (1992), Dirty Dancing: Havana Nights (2004), Friday the 13th Part 2 (1981), Original Sin (2001), Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters (2013), American Outlaws (2001), Winter’s Tale (2014), Harlem Nights (1989), The Identical (2014), I Dreamed of Africa (2000), The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (2003), The Chamber (1996), The Marrying Man (1991), Wild Bill (1995), In Love and War (1996), Sleepaway Camp (1983), Gods and Generals (2003), The Lone Ranger (2013), X-Men Origins: Wolverine (2009), Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales (2017), Rambo: First Blood Part II (1985), Halloween II (1981), September Dawn (2007), Young Guns II (1990), Oscar (1991), Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides (2011), Evening (2007), The 13th Warrior (1999), White Comanche (1968), Gangster Squad (2013), Now and Then (1995), A Dog’s Purpose (2017)

Best Options (Comedy): 76.6 Grease 2 (1982), 69.7 Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III (1993), 57.6 Bolero (1984), 54.5 Snow Dogs (2002), 53.7 Spy Hard (1996), 52.9 Porky’s Revenge (1985), 51.8 My Girl 2 (1994), 51.5 Porky’s II: The Next Day (1983), 48.2 You Don’t Mess with the Zohan (2008), 47.9 King Solomon’s Mines (1985) … (and many more)

(We’re in the past, baby! Actually a really hard concept to define. I ended up defining it as a collection of about 900 wikipedia pages, mostly things like “films set in the 14th century” and such. For the category most part I think it does pretty well, although undeniably there are films which merely have a prologue set in the past, but the bulk of the film is not. I think The Final Destination fits into that category. Anyways, we got the top comedy here.)

Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 13) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Michelle Pfeiffer is No. 2 billed in Grease 2 and No. 2 billed in New Year’s Eve, which also stars Robert De Niro (No. 1 billed) who is in Righteous Kill (No. 1 billed) which also stars Al Pacino (No. 2 billed) who is in 88 Minutes (No. 1 billed) which also stars Leelee Sobieski (No. 3 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 1 billed) => (2 + 2) + (1 + 1) + (2 + 1) + (3 + 1) = 13. If we were to watch The Family we can get the HoE Number down to 13.

Notes – “Do It For Our Country” is a duet between Sharon and Louis. Maureen Teefy couldn’t make it to the recording session, so Peter Frechette had to sing the whole song himself, which is why Maureen’s vocals aren’t on the movie’s soundtrack. Her voice was dubbed in later in the song

According to Maxwell Caulfield’s stunt double Gary Davis, Michelle Pfeiffer performed her own stunts in the famous Lone Rider/Stephanie romantic motorcycle ride. “She sat behind me, then I lifted her around to where she straddled me, and then we wheelie’d away. She was wonderful the whole time.”

Michelle Pfeiffer’s first major starring role.

Michelle Pfeiffer and Maxwell Caulfield did not get along during filming. A few years after the film was released, Caulfield said in an interview that they “got along infamously.” Pfeiffer claimed in an interview that Maxwell was “self-adoring.”

Though the connection was never acknowledged in the movie, Johnny Nogerelli was originally intended to be the cousin of Danny Zuko from the first film. But Michael was Sandy’s cousin, and the writers thought there were too many similarities.

John Travolta and Dame Olivia Newton-John met with the studio to discuss reprising their roles, but weren’t pursued further after the initial conference.

The film damaged Maxwell Caulfield’s career severely. He has been quoted as saying, “Before Grease 2 came out, I was being hailed as the next Richard Gere or John Travolta. However, when Grease 2 flopped, nobody would touch me. It felt like a bucket of cold water had been thrown in my face. It took me 10 years to get over Grease 2.”

Original plans were for this to be the second installment in a franchise of four movies and a TV series. When the movie flopped, plans for a franchise were thrown out. Disney ended up adapting the unused script for the third movie, which became High School Musical (2006).

The theatrical feature film debut for Lorna Luft, daughter of Judy Garland, and half-sister of Liza Minnelli.

Patricia Birch was the dance choreographer for the original Grease (1978) having also choreographed the source stage musical. Publicity for this sequel stated that it was the first time a female choreographer had become a film director. This movie was her directorial debut, and her only theatrical film directing credit.

The film had 500 cast members.

Oscar Recap

Jamie

As all BMT super fans know, we operate on the Stallonian Calendar. It consists of 6 months of 8 weeks each, plus four random breakout weeks that represent the BMT Celebration of the Life, and then on very special years an extra week culminating in Stallone Day, where all laws are suspended and murder is legal (bum bum bum). The only law is Stallone himself and he goes around curing the disease of crime. I think we can all agree this has been a wild success. However, I have to admit that there was one unforeseen and unexpected consequence: the reduction in the number of Stallone films we watch. How paradoxical. This is because it has been foretold in one of the many BMT prophecies that when a Stallone Day arrives and there isn’t a qualifying film to watch then the apocalypse will be upon us. That’s… not great, but sometimes you gotta throw caution to the wind. We need Stallone like Stallone needs… Stallone. So here we are watching Oscar, a classic Stallone BMT film.

To recap, “Snaps” Provolone (he is not named Oscar, I repeat, Sly Stallone is not the titular Oscar), is a gangster who has promised to go straight. With that in mind we enter a very important day in the life of Snaps. It’s the day he makes good on that promise by making a deal with the bank. Everyone is on their best behavior, but things just keep on getting in the way. Most significantly is his accountant, who announces that he is in love with Snaps’ daughter and as a result has stolen thousands of dollars from Snaps in order to make sure he deserves her hand in marriage. Snaps is enraged, but relents and goes to talk to his daughter Lisa. Turns out that she’s pregnant (not really) and not by the accountant, but rather the former chauffeur Oscar (ah, there he is, I’m sure he’ll play a major role). Snaps pushes the accountant and Lisa together, but they don’t seem particularly thrilled, so Snaps eventually sets her up with his speech teacher. She surprisingly seems quite thrilled with him and the worldly academic trips he takes. Meanwhile, the other “daughter” that the accountant actually likes shows up and turns out that she was lying to the accountant. He is angry and they break off their engagement as well. A bunch of people are spying on Snaps trying to figure out what he’s up to and when the bankers show up that blows up in everyone’s faces. Once that’s out of the way, Snaps finds out from his new maid (that turns out to be his former lover) that his fake daughter is his real daughter and they have a double wedding. THE END

Boy that is way worse to recap than the film is in reality. It’s actually not nearly as bad as I thought it would be. A bunch of the supporting actors are amazing and Tomei is a raw talent that picks up steam as the film goes on. You could dissect Stallone’s performance all day, but it is probably his strongest comedic performance. On the one hand he performs admirably when there is a lot of work to be done. He is the star through and through and has to support the entire film. On the other hand I’m not exactly sure what he’s doing some of the time. His character appears to be the straight man in a series of comedy bits and yet he plays it pretty broad. It seems like he enjoyed showing off his comedy chops, but not sure this is the film to do it. Doesn’t come together for me, but not a total disaster. As for Arena, I would highly recommend it. The film is just flat out fun. Lots of makeup and aliens and a strangely coherent style of alien boxing. I really dug it and thought it looked cool. Great start.

Hot Take Clam Bake! Exact same movie but with Al Pacino instead of Sly Stallone and it works. You’d think that’s not a hot take (Al Pacino was offered the role), but I mean it in the literal sense. When BMT makes us a million dollars… no wait, what’s better than a million dollars? Oh right, a billion dollars. So when BMT makes us a billion dollars we will sink that hard earned cash into digitally inserting Al Pacino (or a hologram of Al Pacino) into Oscar. Just word-for-word exactly the same, but with the correct inflection and straight-man energy that Pacino showed off in Jack & Jill. Now it’s good and it actually doesn’t have a sadly ironic name because it ends up winning the Oscar for Best Picture. Sorry, Silence of the Lambs. Hot Take Temperature: Mild. Patrick?

Patrick

‘Ello everyone! Oscar? Not likely for this piece of garbage. Ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing. Let’s go!

Sly Stallone of the 80s was a national treasure. A true triple threat who bet on himself time and time again to write himself to multiple Oscar nominations, and then (somehow) writing and directing himself into the role of Biggest Action Star in the World (for a time at least). He basically redefined action filmmaking. Not to mention when he beat Drago (in Russia!) he ended the Cold War. Word.
But Stallone also thinks (or at least thought) he was really funny, and seemingly just one comedy away from everyone realizing how funny he is.
He is not funny. His comedies are pretty much universally terrible and legitimately you could argue they almost ruined his career in the 90s before he came back (like three different times).
Oscar, weirdly, is maybe the most successful Stallone comedy. It turns out when you aren’t funny, a French farce works well enough to give you lines that sound like jokes and some people might be tricked into thinking you’re funny.
So let’s summarize. Stallone is a legend of an industry he basically single-handedly helped redefine. Stallone really really thought he was funny. Stallone is not funny. But when he kind of shouts lines and is surrounded by a weird French farce people who like French farces might find him funny. I laughed zero times during this film.
Marissa Tomei is quite good in the film.
It is not at all surprising Ornella Muti was voted as the most beautiful woman in the world in the early 90s.
I liked the two suit makers, they were actually funny (in a French farce kind of way).
This film felt endless.
It is a French farce through and through complete with people running around, near misses, and mistaken identity. Still not funny.
Amazingly this film doesn’t really have any superlatives. Fictional setting. Non-holiday. No planchet. A period piece so tough to place products. No real twist. No MacGuffin. Just a plain old Bad movie IMO.
We decided to pair the 1989 straight-to-video action film Arena. I have to say, this is a really fun film. Wacky sets. Funny huge alien costumes. Multiple actors from Star Trek: Deep Space Nine specifically. Maybe the funniest bit is that the main character is like … a Great Human Hope for this weird battle competition? Some nice bad acting to boot. Actually, we were already there. This felt like a bad episode from Season 1 of Star Trek: The Next Generation where some special effects coordinator was like “I can totally make huge aliens that look good!” and when it came to the day of the shoot the director was like “Yikes … welp, get some people to move this horrible looking giant tube legs around I guess?” But still, a funny and fun film. It is exactly why late-80s / early-90s direct-to-video films make the best Friends.

Check out the spin off series The Finucci Bros Fine Italian Suits in the Quiz. Cheerios,

The Sklogs

Oscar Quiz

Oh man, what a day! Like, I’ve had to arrange like forty marriages and the cops are after me, it’s nuts. I’m so twist-turned around I actually can’t remember a thing! Do you remember what happened in Oscar?

Pop Quiz Hot Shot!

1) At the beginning of the film Angelo’s father makes him promise one thing before he dies. What is it?

2) A month later Angelo gets an urgent call at home at the uncommonly early hour of 8:45AM. From whom and why?

3) What a twist? Angelo just keeps on getting visitors. This time from a nice young lady. What spanner does she want to throw in the works of Oscars increasingly complicated day?

4) There is like a big switcheroo involving three bags. What are in all of the bags?

5) So … who marries who in the end?

Bonus Question: In the mid-credits scene we see the now arrested Vendetti gets some visitors in his cell. Who?

Answers

Oscar Preview

“This is your original sin,” Mikey says, staring daggers at Jamie and Patrick. “You have to pick it up,” he continues, “pick it up so I can finally end this.” It would seem the chase has finally driven Mikey mad. Jamie and Patrick rack their brains. If they don’t pick it up Mikey will surely shoot them anyways. Perhaps their only chance is to hope their lightning quick reflexes can turn the tables on him at the last moment. Sweat drips down their abs as they reach for the Dongle. Suddenly the door bursts open and Kyle and the past bad movie twins rush in. “Not so fast!” screams Kyle. Mikey seems momentarily flummoxed. “But… but the Gram told me you were in Greece!” he cries in disbelief. Kyle shrugs slyly. “Greece is for the birds,” he says, trying out a new catchphrase where he declared various things are “for the birds.” This further flummoxes Mikey. With a double flummox in place Jamie and Patrick see their chance and grab for the Dongle. But just as they grasp it in their hands they realize that it’s not just two hands on the Dongle… it’s four! Jamie and Patrick stare at their past selves simultaneously in possession of the Dongle. They turn to look at Mikey, whose eyes widen in horror. Kyle, realizing that maybe the Dongle is decidedly not for the birds, quickly grabs for the Dongle as well just as the world disappears in a flash of brilliant white. Rubbing his eyes, Kyle looks around. He is now alone in the apartment, Mikey having been disintegrated by the temporal paradox experienced by the Dongle and the twins… gone. He looks down at the Dongle in his hand and knows they are still alive… somewhere… somewhen? That’s right! We are transitioning to the climactic penultimate cycle of the year with the recent tradition of running a Bring a Friend cycle. This year it’ll be films set in the past paired with nonqualifying films set in the future. Get ready for some postapocalyptic bullshit. To start we are going for a classic Sly Stallone vehicle, Oscar, paired with Arena, a very fun looking alien boxing movie. Let’s go!

Oscar (1991) – BMeTric: 17.2; Notability: 47

StreetCreditReport.com – BMeTric: top 23.2%; Notability: top 4.8%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 5.0%; Higher BMeT: Freddy’s Dead: The Final Nightmare, Cool as Ice, Problem Child 2, Critters 3, Child’s Play 3, Nothing But Trouble, Suburban Commando, Return to the Blue Lagoon, Mannequin: On the Move, Kickboxer 2: The Road Back, Double Impact, King Ralph, Zandalee, Beastmaster 2: Through the Portal of Time, Hudson Hawk, V.I. Warshawski, House Party 2, The Butcher’s Wife, Curly Sue, Drop Dead Fred, and 38 more; Higher Notability: Hook, Hudson Hawk, Mobsters, Switch, Rock-A-Doodle, Flight of the Intruder, Life Stinks, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze, Out for Justice, The Marrying Man, Necessary Roughness, The Five Heartbeats; Lower RT: Return to the Blue Lagoon, Critters 3, The Super, Run, Cool as Ice, Another You, Mobsters, All I Want for Christmas, Problem Child 2, The Marrying Man, Strictly Business, Drop Dead Fred; Notes: The IMDb rating of 6.5 is crazy high. The European Remake cycle has been wild with some of these. For a 1991 comedy the notability is pretty high.

Leonard Maltin – 2.5 stars – Stallone is surprisingly enjoyable in a comic change-of-pace, playing 1930s gangster Angelo “Snaps” Provolone, who’s trying to go straight, despite the domestic and financial chaos that surrounds him. Farcical comedy, complete with mistaken identities and slamming doors, offers showcases for Palminteri as Snaps’ henchman, Curry as a priggish speech teacher, Bracken as a stuttering stoolie, and Shearer and Ferrero as the Finuccis but never quite takes wing. Based on a French play, filmed before in 1967 with Louis de Funes.

(Surprisingly solid review by Leonard. Although, I suppose it isn’t that surprising once you consider that Maltin is a sucker for old Hollywood in many regards. It does seem like something he would ultimately appreciate.)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QbfVZBsgC4s/

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QbfVZBsgC4s/

(Huh, kind of an odd trailer. Since that is only one of three or four plots floating around in this film. The actual plot is that Snaps is trying to go straight, but everything in his life (on this particular day) seems to be trying to stop him from doing so. His daughter’s potential marriage is just one of those things.)

Directors – John Landis – ( Known For: National Lampoon’s Animal House; The Blues Brothers; Coming to America; Trading Places; An American Werewolf in London; Three Amigos!; Twilight Zone: The Movie; The Kentucky Fried Movie; Blues Brothers 2000; Amazon Women on the Moon; Into the Night; Burke and Hare; Schlock; Susan’s Plan; Future BMT: Spies Like Us; Innocent Blood; The Stupids; BMT: Beverly Hills Cop III; Oscar; Razzie Notes: Nominee for Worst Director in 1992 for Oscar; in 1995 for Beverly Hills Cop III; and in 1997 for The Stupids; Notes: He won an Emmy for Mr. Warmth: The Don Rickles Project. Probably, sadly, most notable for directing the segment of The Twilight Zone Movie where several people were killed in a helicopter stunt.)

Writers – Claude Magnier – ( Known For: Oscar; Jo; Where Were You When the Lights Went Out?; Oskar; BMT: Oscar; Notes: A playwright, he wrote the play which both the French original and this are based on.)

Michael Barrie – ( Known For: Bad Boys; Amazon Women on the Moon; …All the Marbles; BMT: Oscar; Notes: The writing partner with Mulholland. He is not in the film though.)

Jim Mulholland – ( Known For: Bad Boys; Amazon Women on the Moon; …All the Marbles; BMT: Oscar; Notes: He actually plays the titular Oscar who is only seen for a moment at the end of the film. He has 20 Emmy nominations, for The Tonight Show and The Late Show. Amazingly, they never won.)

Actors – Sylvester Stallone – ( Known For: The Suicide Squad; Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2; Rocky; The Expendables; First Blood; Cliffhanger; The Expendables 2; Creed; Rocky III; Cop Land; Creed II; Escape Plan; Spy Kids 3: Game Over; Rocky Balboa; Death Race 2000; Eye See You; Rocky II; The Lords of Flatbush; Antz; Escape Plan 2: Hades; Future BMT: Rocky IV; Staying Alive; Rocky V; Assassins; Ratchet & Clank; BMT: The Expendables 3; Rambo; Rambo: Last Blood; Rambo: First Blood Part II; Demolition Man; Cobra; Over the Top; Tango & Cash; Rambo III; The Specialist; Judge Dredd; Daylight; Oscar; Lock Up; Driven; Get Carter; Zookeeper; Grudge Match; Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot; Rhinestone; Razzie Notes: Winner for Worst Director, and Worst Actor for Rocky IV in 1986; Winner for Worst Screenplay, and Worst Actor for Rambo: First Blood Part II in 1986; Winner for Worst Actor in 1985 for Rhinestone; in 1989 for Rambo III; and in 1993 for Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot; Winner for Worst Supporting Actor for Spy Kids 3: Game Over in 2004; Winner for Worst Screen Couple in 1995 for Interview with the Vampire: The Vampire Chronicles, and The Specialist; Winner for Worst Actor of the Decade in 1990 for Cobra, Cobra, Lock Up, Lock Up, Over the Top, Over the Top, Rambo III, Rambo III, Rambo: First Blood Part II, Rambo: First Blood Part II, Rhinestone, Rocky IV, and Tango & Cash; Nominee for Worst Director for The Expendables in 2011; Nominee for Worst Screenplay in 1985 for Rhinestone; in 1986 for Rocky IV; in 1987 for Cobra; in 1989 for Rambo III; in 1991 for Rocky V; in 1994 for Cliffhanger; in 2002 for Driven; and in 2020 for Rambo: Last Blood; Nominee for Worst Actor in 1987 for Cobra; in 1988 for Over the Top; in 1990 for Lock Up, and Tango & Cash; in 1991 for Rocky V; in 1992 for Oscar; in 1995 for The Specialist; in 1996 for Assassins, and Judge Dredd; in 1997 for Daylight; in 2001 for Get Carter; in 2014 for Bullet to the Head, Escape Plan, and Grudge Match; and in 2020 for Rambo: Last Blood; Nominee for Worst Supporting Actor, and Worst Screen Couple for Driven in 2002; Nominee for Worst Supporting Actor for An Alan Smithee Film: Burn Hollywood Burn in 1999; and Nominee for Worst Screen Combo for Rambo: Last Blood in 2020; Notes: He has a television show coming out, which I think is crazy. Tulsa King.)

Ornella Muti – ( Known For: Flash Gordon; The Heart Is Deceitful Above All Things; To Rome with Love; Appassionata; The Last Woman; Storie di ordinaria follia; Oasis of Fear; Swann in Love; La stanza del vescovo; Romanzo popolare; The Girl from Trieste; Hotel; Death of a Corrupt Man; Madly in Love; Il bisbetico domato; La moglie più bella; First Love; Magical Nights; Love & Money; Viva Italia!; Future BMT: Once Upon a Crime…; BMT: Oscar; Notes: Italian. She was voted the most beautiful woman in the world in 1994 in a poll.)

Peter Riegert – ( Known For: National Lampoon’s Animal House; The Mask; Traffic; We Bought a Zoo; Local Hero; Pie in the Sky; American Pastoral; At Middleton; Crossing Delancey; A Shock to the System; A Man in Love; Movie Madness; Infinity; Americathon; Coldblooded; Passed Away; Passion of Mind; That’s Adequate; The Object of Beauty; Chilly Scenes of Winter; BMT: Oscar; Notes: Was nominated for an Oscar for a short film By Courier, and for an Emmy for Barbarians at the Gate. Still working, a recent notable role in Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt.)

Budget/Gross – $35 million / Domestic: $23,562,716 (Worldwide: $23,562,716)

(Yeah, this is considered a catastrophic bomb for a reason. That is a very bad performance indeed. I’m a bit surprised they didn’t release the film into France and Italy though. I think they could have gotten a bit from both places. This is very French humor at the time.)

Rotten Tomatoes – 12% (2/17)

(Oh, I get to make a consensus: Stallone isn’t funny. That’s the be all and end all of the reviews on that page really.)

Reviewer Highlight: Sylvester Stallone isn’t completely without a sense of humor (he showed a comic instinct in Rocky), but the last place he belongs is at the center of a classically structured farce – Owen Gleiberman, Entertainment Weekly

Poster – Sklogster

(This is a very funny poster. Artistic in an old timey way. It also doesn’t make a lot of sense. They make it seem like the film is a race against time. But not really… it just happens to be the day of a big meeting for “Snaps” Provolone. Font is meh, but overall aesthetic is good. B-.)

Tagline(s) – In crime and comedy, timing is everything. (C)

Gangster “Snaps” Provolone has until noon to become an honest man. (D-)

(I feel like they were almost there with a timing is everything riff. It would have been better if it was just that, really. But adding more words they take away some of the punch. The second is bad. Like that’s just a phrase about what the movie is about (kind of)… like would appear in the Leonard Maltin book or something.)

Keyword(s) – European Remake

Top 10: 12 Monkeys (1995), The Italian Job (2003), Insomnia (2002), Scent of a Woman (1992), Clash of the Titans (2010), Some Like It Hot (1959), Vanilla Sky (2001), True Lies (1994), Dawn of the Dead (2004), The Tourist (2010)

Future BMT: 54.5 Eye of the Beholder (1999), 54.0 Downhill (2020), 49.2 The Omen (2006), 44.8 Catch That Kid (2004), 43.1 Diabolique (1996), 43.0 Village of the Damned (1995), 41.8 I Think I Love My Wife (2007), 41.2 Clash of the Titans (2010), 41.2 Mixed Nuts (1994), 39.8 Intersection (1994)

BMT: The Wicker Man (2006), Taxi (2004), The Haunting (1999), Get Carter (2000), Jungle 2 Jungle (1997), Pathfinder (2007), Fathers’ Day (1997), Nine Months (1995), The Big Wedding (2013), Brick Mansions (2014), Sleepless (2017), The Blue Lagoon (1980), School for Scoundrels (2006), Original Sin (2001), Blame It on Rio (1984), The Loft (2014), Oscar (1991), Vanilla Sky (2001), Wicker Park (2004)

Best Options (past): 21.7 The New Adventures of Pippi Longstocking (1988), 17.2 Oscar (1991), 15.6 Jakob the Liar (1999), 8.9 The Thirteenth Floor (1999)

(Obviously the transition is going to be a tough ask, and yet there were four movies which were remakes of European films and also set in the past? I think The Thirteenth Floor might be a tough one though, I think it is only like “virtually” in the past or something.)

Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 9) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Sylvester Stallone is No. 1 billed in Oscar and No. 1 billed in The Expendables 3, which also stars Jason Statham (No. 2 billed) who is in In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale (No. 1 billed) which also stars Leelee Sobieski (No. 3 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 1 billed) => (1 + 1) + (2 + 1) + (3 + 1) = 9. If we were to watch The Glass House we can get the HoE Number down to 8.

Notes – At the AFI Life Achievement Award in 1991 which went to Kirk Douglas, Sylvester Stallone in his tribute to Douglas recalled the filming of the scene where he hits Stallone in the face. After a swing and miss, Stallone jokingly told Douglas to slap him hard. “Let me have your best”, whereupon Douglas proceeded to beat Stallone silly. Stallone said “I learned the hard way: never spar with Spartacus.”

One night, after filming wrapped, a fire destroyed several sets, many of the actors’ trailers (among them Tim Curry’s), all of the costumes, and twenty-one valuable vintage cars. Production was halted for two weeks while they were remaking all of the costumes. A Universal security guard hired to guard the cars later admitted to setting the fire.

Appearing as the title character Oscar, this is Jim Mulholland’s only movie.

In the early 1980s, this movie was originally proposed as another project for director John Landis and John Belushi, who was pencilled in for the Angelo “Snaps” Provolone role. The project was abandoned once Belushi died, but resuscitated later, this time with Sylvester Stallone in the lead.

This movie was based on the 1958 French play “Oscar” by Claude Magnier.

Kirk Douglas and Sylvester Stallone had only appeared in one movie together previously, and it had not been a happy experience. Douglas had started out as Colonel Trautman in First Blood (1982), but quit after a dispute over whether Rambo should live or die at the end. It was not an amicable departure.

The name of the horse on which one of Snaps’ henchmen places a bet is High Hat, the name of the horse ridden by Harpo Marx in A Day at the Races (1937).

When Anthony Rossano C.P.A. (Vincent Spano) first appears at Angelo “Snaps” Provolone’s (Sylvester Stallone’s) door, Aldo (Peter Riegert) says “it’s Little Anthony” he looks behind him “and his Imperial”. Little Anthony and the Imperials was a rock band in the 1950s.

Snaps and his men quip that they were last in Chicago on Valentine’s Day, most likely referring to the Saint Valentine’s Day Massacre.

The poster is an homage to the iconic scene from Safety Last! (1923).

The film takes place in 1931.

Awards – Nominee for the Razzie Award for Worst Actor (Sylvester Stallone, 1992)

Nominee for the Razzie Award for Worst Supporting Actress (Marisa Tomei, 1992)

Nominee for the Razzie Award for Worst Director (John Landis, 1992)