The Tuxedo Preview

Moving onto this week’s film, we were on a quest for a comedy film where the director never directed anything before or since it’s release. This actually turned out to be pretty tough for the genre. Not sure why. Perhaps it’s just more common for comedy directors to be given second or third chances at directing. Who knows. Regardless, we ended up finding the Jackie Chan classic The Tuxedo to fit into the cycle, which was directed by Kevin Donovan, a director known mostly for commercial directing. I’m excited for a little martial arts action comedy adventure. Let’s go!

The Tuxedo (2002) – BMeTric: 52.0


(I am stunned this ended up with this high of a rating! A BMeTric of 50+ is incredible high echelon stuff. Knowing the medallion though I can see it. It has been dropping a bit recently, probably (this is my current theory) because people who watched the film as children (you love everything when you are a child, see Hook and Hackers in my case) are now older and rating things online. I bet there are more than a few people who are like “The Tuxedo is bad?!??!”) – 1.5/4 stars – The movie is silly beyond comprehension, and even if it weren’t silly, it would still be beyond comprehension.

Leonard Maltin – BOMB – Dreadful concoction casts Chan as a cabbie-turned-chauffeur who must take the place of his new boss, a dashing government spy; when he dons the secret agent’s tuxedo, he acquires superhuman skills. Boneheaded movie replaces (or augments) Chan’s dazzling martial arts skills with special effects; what’s more, the script’s t&a “humor” is a poor fit for the ever likeable star. Hewitt is incredibly obnoxious as Jackie’s new partner. Bob Balaban appears unbilled.

(Lots to unpack here. Leonard certainly has a lot to say. Love his excessive use of semicolons. Classic Len. Also love the shade he’s throwing at the script through the use of quotation marks around “humor.” Finally, he singles out Hewitt for being incredibly obnoxious. Is it possible that she’s more obnoxious than Chris Tucker in the Rush Hour series? If so, bravo.)

Trailer –

(This is late 90’s, early 2000s candy for my brain. I’m so excited. I think my two favorite things from the trailer are the “shake_booty” option on the tux… which is wonderfully awful and the fact that the tux is Devlin’s “2 billion dollar secret.” Haha, what? Why that amount of money? Is the cost of production an important plot point?)

Director(s) – Kevin Donovan – (BMT: The Tuxedo; Notes: An internationally recognized commercial and music video director. Was attached to direct Beverly Hills Chihauhau, but dropped out due to creative differences.)

Writer(s) – Michael Leeson (screenplay) – (Known For: The War of the Roses; What Planet Are You From?; BMT: The Tuxedo; The Survivors; Notes: A prolific and renowned tv writer he has been nominated (and won) several Emmys and was nominated for a BAFTA and Academy Award. Wrote for the Cosby Show)

Michael J. Wilson (story, screenplay) – (Known For: Ice Age; BMT: Shark Tale; The Tuxedo; Notes: Mostly a kids film writer as far as credits, I wouldn’t be surprised is he was a script doctor.)

Matt Manfredi  and Phil Hay (story) – (Known For: Crazy/Beautiful; The Invitation; BMT: Clash of the Titans; R.I.P.D. (BMT); Ride Along; The Tuxedo; Ride Along 2; Aeon Flux; Notes: Look at that filmography! They kind of got their break with The Tuxedo and that have really come up from there. Ride Along in particular was a huge success. This movie was a patchwork operation though, for sure.)

Actors – Jackie Chan – (Known For: Kung Fu Panda; Rush Hour; Rush Hour 2; Shanghai Noon; The Forbidden Kingdom; Shanghai Knights; The Karate Kid; Kung Fu Panda 2; Rumble in the Bronx; Enter the Dragon; Kung Fu Panda 3; Supercop 2; The Legend of Drunken Master; Supercop; Police Story 2; Police Story; Operation Condor; New Police Story; BMT: Rush Hour 3 (seen it); Around the World in 80 Days (BMT); The Tuxedo; The Spy Next Door; The Medallion (BMT); Police Story: Lockdown; The Protector; The Cannonball Run; Cannonball Run II; An Alan Smithee Film: Burn Hollywood Burn; Notes: Has the potential to be a BMT darling of sorts. The Medallion was a great BMT, so we are excited for this and Spy Next Door in particular. His movies often feature fight scene using props, cheeky slapstick humor, and a series of during-credits outtakes)

Jennifer Love Hewitt – (Known For: Can’t Hardly Wait; Heartbreakers; BMT: I Know What You Did Last Summer; I Still Know What You Did Last Summer; The Tuxedo; Garfield: A Tail of Two Kitties; The Audrey Hepburn Story; The Hunchback of Notre Dame II; Sister Act 2: Back in the Habit; Delgo; The Suburbans; House Arrest; Garfield – The Movie; Notes: Probably best known for her television work (Party of Five for example). Married to Brian Hallisay (only BMT film: Jessabelle), and according to IMDb is a huge fan of the Glasgow Celtic Football Club.)

Budget/Gross: $60 million / $50,547,998 ($104,391,623 Worldwide)

(That is quite the budget. At the time Chan was huge though. Rush Hour (30 million budget ballooning to 140 million by the time Rush Hour 3 came about), Shanghai Noon (55 million budget), and this each came out 2 years apart from each other (1998, 2000 and 2002). I think they were looking for their next franchise to insert him into. Shanghai Knights and Rush Hour 3 subsequently kind of stopped Chan’s career progressing in its tracks. This movie didn’t help, 100 million worldwide, yikes!)

Rotten Tomatoes: 21% (30/138), Chan is as charming as ever, but his talents are squandered by special effects and bad writing.

(I feel like this consensus from RT could have also been used for Around the World in 80 Days. Like Chan was charming, but the writing was shit and he didn’t get to do his usual stunt magic.)

Poster – Ooooo, look at that font, sexy (D)


(I really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really do not like that background mix of colors. Makes it look like garbage. Only good thing I can say about it is the font for the title is bomb (Patrick Note: While staring transfixed by this poster I exclaimed “The font on The Tuxedo is … incredible!” Twin time). I would love to see Patrick try to spoof that shit.)

Tagline(s) – He’s Not Looking For Trouble… He’s Wearing It. (B)

Class. Action. Suit. (A…. mazing)

(I generally stick to just the tagline on the poster, but the second one here is just too good. The one from the poster is surprisingly decent. Just a little wordy. Otherwise fairly clever and tells me a bit about the film. The second one is ridiculous. Like what does “Class action suit” have to do with anything? It makes me laugh. I’m laughing at it right now.)

Notes – When Jimmy goes through Mr. Devlin’s address book looking for “Walter Strider”, he finds phone numbers for Claudia Schiffer, Norman Schwarzkopf, Stephen Sondheim, and George M. Steinbrenner III (first names added). All of the numbers have special characters inserted to ensure that they are not real numbers that people might try to call. (Literally the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard)

The “high tech” sniper rifle featured in the movie, is really a scoped competition air rifle from Steyr. Nothing is done to hide this fact, the gun is in its original state. (get me the internet movie firearms database stat! It’s a real thing and, yes, this note is specifically made here)

At the premiere there was a chimp in a suit and hat. (What, why?)

Bill Murray: Can be seen in the final gallery scene as a customer. (WTF, that is kind of hilarious)


Can’t Stop the Music Recap


‘Ello everyone! Can’t Stop the Music? More like Please Stop the Movie! Amirite!!!!! Wowwy Wow. Let’s get into it:

  • Good – Guttenberg was certainly enthusiastic. Really really into it. The director has some tricks up her sleeve that, while not wholly original, at the very least showed passion. If you like beefy man bods there is puuuuuhlenty to work with here. Paul Sand was funny. Caitlyn Jenner was actually really good at acting, at least relatively. If you hadn’t told me that was Caitlyn Jenner I would have guessed he was just a no name 80s actor.
  • Bad – Let’s start with 90% of the music in the film. A lot of it was genuinely bad. Most of the actors were terrible, especially the leading lady. They put way too much on the shoulders of the Village People who were all really really bad. The movie was also literally 40 minutes too long. I was shocked it was over two hours. This should have been a 70 minute barely movie from conception.
  • BMT – Uh, yeah. But you have to really get into it, or else it is merely boring. Watch the musical sequences and marvel at their length. Revel in each gratuitous shot of Dr. Pepper as they sip it casually in every other scene. Wonder aloud “did Guttenberg really suggest that Perrine should eat two snowballs and a ding dong for his music career? What a bizarre sexual innuendo that is simultaneously disgusting, offensive and inventive”. If you are there this is a 70 BMeTric movie, creme de la creme. If you are like me though, this was a borderline 25, something that needed to be watched more for bad movie street cred rather than specific enjoyment. Can’t Stop the Music, you’ve just been served (speaking of future music-based BMT choices…).

I was trying to gauge where on a bad movie musical scale this fell. You might be surprised if you had looked it up because it is rare to find Can’t Stop the Music on any online list. I saw it listed #31 on one list and left off of multiple other lists entirely. At the very least Spice World, Glitter, From Justin to Kelly and Rhinestone (all BMT) are all pretty universally considered worse. The Apple shows up more frequently as a similar contemporary. I would kind of agree, this ain’t nothing special. Get over yourself Can’t Stop the Music.

Game time, I needs a prequel baby! It’s called It Takes a Village and is focused on Sam Simpson’s rise through the mean streets of the fashion world while staying grounded in her crazy loft in the Village. As her career skyrockets a new hot designer, Chili Piper, invites her to fashion week in Paris. But will her blossoming romance with young music exec Steve Waits derail this huge opportunity with the smarmy Piper (who wants her body for more things than just pictures)? A cameo (somehow) by a young Steve Guttenberg delights. Billy Zane is electrifying as Chili Piper (spoiler, he doesn’t make it to Fashion Week in Paris, poor Billy Zane).

I want to see that movie.


Now that you know a little about the “film” we can get a little into what the film means. It both causes me to exclaim “Why don’t we watch more older film? This film is nuts!” And “This is a perfect example of why we try to stay away from older films.” Why? Well like White Comanche before it I think Can’t Stop the Music exemplifies a type of film that occasionally crosses our BMT path. This is the “inherently hilarious” film. A film whose mere premise will make people say “You have got to watch this. It’s stars William Shatner playing a Native American…” And then you watch it and indeed, there’s William Shatner playing a Native American. Are these types of films fun to watch? Yes, occasionally. I think Can’t Stop the Music is a good example of one that is pretty fun to watch (albeit way too long). But often times once you get past the inherently hilarious part, there is nothing underneath to capture your attention. It’s actually just a really boring film that stars William Shatner as a Native American. And Native American William Shatner can only take you so far. That’s mostly why Patrick and I have steered clear of these types of films for BMT, which populate the 1980s at a much higher rate than the late 90s and the 2000s (mostly due to the rise of mid-major studios in the 80s… and probably cocaine). Thus our predilection for more recent fare. For us it’s just more fun to make fun a film that managed to sneak out of the studio system and still end up a complete disaster. So Can’t Stop the Music holds a place in the niche section of BMT whereby we build credibility as BMT experts. “Yes, we’ve seen Can’t Stop the Music. But have you seen Here on Earth?” That’s what BMT is.

Hope that wasn’t too philosophical. It’s sometimes hard to explain why BMT generally lives in the more recent past than most bad movie ventures. Can’t Stop the Music provided a vehicle for the explanation. As for my BMTsolution, Can’t Stop the Music is not based on a book. If it was it would be based on the Village People’s memoir called Macho Men. The book details the group’s rise from the anonymity of the streets of NYC to global stardom. The climax of the book involves the making of the Village People biopic called Can’t Stop the Music, which ends up being a massive flop and tears the group apart. In the book, the film is based on a memoir written by the group called Macho Men, which details the group’s rise from anonymity of the streets of NYC to global stardom. The climax of the book within a book involves the making of the Village People biopic called Can’t Stop the Music, which ends up being a massive flop and tears the group apart. In the book within a book, the film is based on a memoir written by the group called Macho Men, which details…

Oh dear, seems like my book collapsed in on itself and created a tiny black hole. Oops. Cheerios,

The Sklogs


Can’t Stop the Music Preview

This week we finally come to the conclusion of our Airball category (pro athletes in film). This also means that we are excited to make the transition to the second cycle of the year. We are proud to announce that this cycle will be… [drumroll] … [more drumroll] … [still drumrolling] … [even more drumroll] … [seems like the drumroll is coming to an end] … [he tricked you, still drumrolling] … [now he’s done] … [JK, still drumrolling] … [and now it’s done] … One and Dones! That’s right, the next cycle will be films where the director never made a feature film prior to or since making the film. It will be the only feature film in their filmography. So for the Scattegories week we were required to find a film that fit both categories. This led straight to a Razzie classico (the week of the Razzies nonetheless) as we were able to watch Can’t Stop the Music, the Village People film that won the first ever Razzie award for Worst Picture. It stars Caitlyn Jenner (at the time of filming Bruce Jenner, of course), Olympic Gold Medal winner in the Decathalon. It was also the only feature film directed by famed television actress Nancy Walker. It’s rare that we find such a perfect transition film, but this time we did. It feels good. Let’s go!

Can’t Stop the Music (1980) – BMeTric: 26.2


(So, now having some experience reading these graphs this actually is indicating that Can’t Stop the Music is, illogically, decreasing in BMeTric over the last 6 years. Why people are feeling compelled to give this higher ratings I wouldn’t dream of speculating on. Regardless, 25+ for a film from 1980 is incredible.)

Leonard Maltin – 2 stars – One or two catchy production numbers aren’t enough to salvage otherwise stiff comedy about the music-publishing biz, though some will feel they have to see what V. People and Jenner are doing in same film. Gay subtext abound, despite eye-boggling profile shots of Perrine.

(Funny little review here. Why does he call them the “V. People” (Patrick’s guess: This was for a newspaper blurb which restricted him to a certain number of characters)? Super strange. I’m also not sure I like Leonard talking about the “eye-boggling” profile shots of Perrine. Getting a little Rhinestone “look at that body” vibe and I don’t like it. Deep cut right there, guys. Deep cut.)

Trailer –

(What… the… fuck.)

Director(s) – Nancy Walker – (BMT: Can’t Stop the Music; Notes: Nominated for Worst Director, Can’t Stop the Music (1980). Much more famous as a television actress she won multiple Golden Globe and Emmy awards for Rhoda and McMillan & Wife)

Writer(s) – Bronte Woodard (written by) – (Known For: Grease; BMT: Can’t Stop the Music; Notes: Won for Worst Screenplay, Can’t Stop the Music (1980). Died in August 1980 6 months prior to “receiving” the Razzie Award.)

Allan Carr (written by) – (Known For: Grease; BMT: Can’t Stop the Music; Notes: Won for Worst Screenplay, Can’t Stop the Music (1980). Won a Tony for La Cage aux Folles in 1984. Well known for his disastrous production of the 61st Academy Awards, which became a laughing stock and destroyed his career.)

Actors – The Village People (BMT: Can’t Stop the Music; Notes: Obviously a highly successful band from the 70s and 80s)

Valerie Perrine – (Known For: What Women Want; Superman; Superman II; Lenny; Slaughterhouse-Five; The Electric Horseman; BMT: Can’t Stop the Music; Maid to Order; Boiling Point; 54; The Amateurs; Notes: Nominated for Worst Actress, Can’t Stop the Music (1980). A former Las Vegas Showgirl.)

Budget/Gross: $20 million / $2 million

(No entry on Box Office Mojo, so all we know is that this was clearly a massive flop. The release of this and another flop Raise the Titanic, both in 1980, are blamed for the failure of the film company AFD.)

Rotten Tomatoes: 7% (1/13), No consensus yet.

(Per usual a film this old just doesn’t have the review numbers to give a solid RT score or consensus. I’ll make one up. Consensus: For those that weren’t convinced that disco was dead, this film just killed it.)

Poster – Can’t Stop the Headache (D)


(Wow. I’m not sure I can even unpack everything on the poster. There are the V. People, NYC skyline, a giant piano keyboard, and showgirls dancing on said keyboard. It’s giving me a headache.)

Tagline(s) – The Movie Musical Event of the 80’s (D)

(It’s 1980! You can’t say that! Booooo.)

Notes – The lead role was originally offered to Olivia Newton-John, who turned it down to do Xanadu (1980). (oooooof, out of the frying pan into the fire!)

Tensions on the set between Walker and Perrine rose to the point where Walker wouldn’t be present for any scene Perrine had to shoot. Cinematographer Bill Butler had to step in to film those scenes

The film was originally entitled Discoland: Where the Music Never Ends! (egad!). But when the disco craze failed just prior to the film’s release, the producers tried to distance themselves from the genre. (Ha! Good luck with that. I’m sure no one suspected that the Village People film was about disco).

The film “won” the very first Razzie® award for Worst Picture. It was nominated for every category of the inaugural Golden Raspberry Awards except Worst Supporting Actor. (That year was literally in the guy’s living room and had waaaay more nominees. It was a super weird year, look it up, I guarantee you won’t recognize most of the films)

Half of the film’s $20 million (US) budget was spent on a lavish world-wide publicity campaign that included spectacular openings across the United States and Europe. (See, this is the stuff I like to hear about. I wonder who got fired for that blunder)

After the movie’s theatrical release, Village People member David Hodo said “When I first read the script, I threw it across the room. I thought it was a piece of crap. It read like one of those stupid old Judy Garland and Mickey Rooney pictures. We didn’t believe in the movie, but no one would listen to us! You can only go on for so long being a joke.” (Poor form, just embrace it, man. Like Jane March in Color of Night, smile and say you liked being in the film so much you didn’t even notice it was bad until it was too late).

Razzie Awards 2005: Nominated for Worst ‘Musical’ of Our First 25 Years

Razzie Awards 1981: Won for Worst Picture, and Worst Screenplay (Bronte Woodard and Allan Carr); Nominated for Worst Actor (Caitlyn Jenner), Worst Actress (Valerie Perrine), Worst Supporting Actress (Marilyn Sokol), Worst Director (Nancy Walker), and Worst Original Song (Jacques Morali, For the song “(You) Can’t Stop The Music”)

Zoolander 2 Recap


I come here with somber news my friends. Patrick and I made a terrible mistake. Once the Great Gods of Egypt Disaster of 2016 was realized, we panicked and decided we had to (had to!) watch a BMT Live! film before it was too late. After all, the Stallonian Calender was fresh out of the box and still had that new BMT game smell. We couldn’t have it go off the rails in the first two months. So we ran into the open arms of Zoolander 2. Well I’m here to report that not only was the film not that bad (Not that bad! Not that bad! Not that bad!), we also watched it the week before London Has Fallen totally tanked with reviewers. God help us. Can we do nothing right? We may as well give up this whole endeavor and shut down the site now. But no! We will persevere! We will not let our loyal reader down! And with that we move ever forward.

In terms of Zoolander 2, I found it oddly absurdist considering the first film had absurd elements, but was at least seemingly rooted in reality. This type of shift in tone isn’t unusual. We’ve seen it with the Anchorman sequel and the Wet Hot American Summer series. Seems like with such a long time between the first film and the follow-up, the world is just in a different space comedy-wise. Necessarily you’re going to end up with a sequel that feels very different than the original. This can turn out well or not and I think Zoolander 2 came out on the slightly underwhelming side of things. Was it as good as the original? No. Was it totally not worth watching? No. At least I found myself laughing at several points (looking at you Kyle Mooney)… I just know that I probably would have laughed harder and longer if we had been able to watch Gods of Egypt.

For my BMTsolution this year, I will try to read the source material for all the films that we watch. Zoolander 2 is not based on a book, but if it were it would be a 1950s spy thriller series detailing the adventures of male model/international spy Zander (nicknamed Agent Z by MI6). Embroiled in the world of espionage he uses his perceived lack of intelligence to infiltrate the most dangerous of criminal organizations. Joined in the first novel by brother and sister folk singers Hansel and Gretel (curiously combined into the single character of Hansel in the film adaptation), he continues his adventures in the sequel in Rome attempting once again to foil the dastardly plans of Malaysian crime lord Mukashi. I found the book offensive due to the excessive number of ethnic stereotypes employed, but otherwise exciting and engaging.


‘Ello everyone! Zoolander 2? More like It’s Not That Bad! It’s Not That Bad! Woooooooooooooo. This was pretty expected honestly.

  • The Good – The third act had some serious laughs. I still enjoyed the characters and they played the 15 years later thing pretty well. Once Will Ferrell arrives the movie picks up and it ends before his character (which had less non-stop exposure in the first film) got on your nerves.
  • The Bad – The cameos. But it wasn’t just the cameos, a lot of them were good and made sense. It was a specific moment. I get into it more below, but basically a two minute sequence in which Susan Sarandon, Willie Nelson, Katy Perry and (ugh) Neil Degrasse Tyson appear in an absurdly grating scene. That ejected me from the film. Also the product placement (Netflix and Uber in the beginning) in particular was pretty rough.
  • The BMT – Nope. Not only too good, but just didn’t feel BMT. Gods of Egypt? I would have been rolling down the aisles Pompeii style with that movie. Oh what could have been. This though? I enjoyed it reasonably. Laughed a bunch. I have no issue with Zoolander 2.

For this week’s game I would like to go with Tril-Oh-Geez myself. In this case it is, as of now, incomplete. The first leg is missing, but here goes. Basically, the aforementioned cameo immediately dropped the movie from Good to Okay-Kind-Of-Shitty. So here we go.

Movies Ruined by a Single Scene (Beginning-Middle-End edition)

  • Beginning – [Missing] (Jamie’s note: Conan the Destroyer? Opens with a lot lot lot of callbacks and unnecessary comedy bits, but then picks it up a bit in the middle and up to the end. That’s the most recent one where I felt like the critics probably were out from the beginning, but it wasn’t the worst and I didn’t totally understand the reviews. They seemed ready to pan it and took their chance with the beginning.)
  • Middle – Zoolander 2 – The cameo scene really knocks the movie down a notch and comes completely out of nowhere. Until that point I was thinking to myself “these cameos aren’t that bad! What are the reviewers talking about?”
  • End – The Call – The immediate ending (literally the last 5 seconds) of the film changed my opinion of the movie from “Wow, that was a legit good thriller!” to “Nevermind, that movie is literal garbage and I’m angry now”.

I’m not sure about Conan the Destroyer, but hey, it is always nice to have a complete trilogy. I’ll have to mull on it.


The Sklogs

Zoolander 2 Preview

This week we were preparing for BMT Live! and a BMergenT erupted! A little backstory. We were planning (hoping, dreaming) on Gods of Egypt for the first Live addition to the inaugural Stallonian Calendar. Everything seemed set, it looked like a disaster and the UK and US release dates on IMDb synched perfectly. I was going to prepare the preview and thought “ooooooooo I’m going to pick my showing for the weekend” and then …. there were none. No London showings. But how could this be? Because IMDb was wrong! The Gods of UK releases had pushed the release date to the summer! (or was it always?) I am very disappointed, what a disaster of a country I live in. Backwards. Truly saddening. But as my mentor (Michael Caine in Batman Begins) said: “Why do we fall? So we can pick ourselves back up … and become crazed vigilante Batmen.” And so we are (becoming crazed BMTmen I mean). Not wanting to risk the inevitable 45% London Has Fallen is going to receive upon release next week, we are instead picking up Zoolander 2. Fun fact: Leonard Maltin walked out of this movie. So I got that going for me. Let’s go!

Zoolander 2 (2016) – BMeTric: 33.6


(For the record, at this point in time this is the highest BMeTric for a 2016 film vaulting over The Forest and 5th Wave. It has helped that this winter has been particularly uninspiring … besides Gods of Egypt *sniff* alright, that’s the last I’ll mention that. The wound is still too new)

Leonard Maltin – ? stars – Ten minutes passed, then twenty, filled with puerile and unfunny gags; along with gratuitous cameo appearances by everyone from Katy Perry to Willie Nelson. … Finally, after almost an hour, I strode out of the theater, proud of myself for taking positive action and sparing myself further insult.

(This was the semi-review from Maltin in which he explains that life is too short to actually watch Zoolander 2 in its entirety. He handled it well, not even reviewing the film ultimately, although his explanation is vicious enough. For the record, gave the film 3/4 stars with this as the closing line “I laughed so much my wife thought I was going to have a stroke. There’s the blurb for you, Paramount. Thanks, Derek!” And that is after Ebert himself gave Zoolander 1/4 stars in a scathing review starting with “There have been articles lately asking why the United States is so hated in some parts of the world. As this week’s Exhibit A from Hollywood, I offer ‘Zoolander.’” Incredible stuff all around.)

Trailer –

(I like this trailer. The only thing that is disappointing is they should have saved the Mugatu body suit gag for the movie, it is fantastic. Otherwise, while I can see the cameo issue, it also looks really fun. At what point does someone take a chance and cast Bieber into a major role in a feature film?)

Director(s) – Ben Stiller – (Known For: Tropic Thunder; Zoolander; The Cable Guy; Reality Bites; The Secret Life Of Walter Mitty BMT: Zoolander 2; Notes: Amazingly solid record as a director. Really impressive that this is his first major flop.)

Writer(s) – Justin Theroux (written by) – (Known For: Iron Man 2; Tropic Thunder; Rock of Ages; BMT: Zoolander 2; Notes: Also a prolific actor and married to Jennifer Aniston. Cousin of Louis Theroux, who I know as the person on half of the UK Netflix programs scowling in awkward photos with weirdos (or so it seems).)

Ben Stiller (written by, character Derek Zoolander) – (Known For: Tropic Thunder; Zoolander; BMT: Zoolander 2; Notes: Again, pretty good record with his first two Writer-Director-Star gigs. I’m getting very very impressed with Ben Stiller weirdly.)

Nicholas Stoller (written by) – (Known For: Yes Man; Forgetting Sarah Marshall (Dir); Neighbors (Dir); Get Him to the Greek (Dir); The Five-Year Engagement (Dir); The Muppets; Muppets Most Wanted; BMT: Sex Tape; Gulliver’s Travels; Zoolander 2; Fun With Dick and Jane; Notes: Nominated for Worst Screenplay, Sex Tape (2014). Frequent collaborator of Jason Segal he went to Harvard. Impressive directoral record.)

John Hamburg (written by) – (Known For: Meet the Parents; Zoolander; Safe Men (Dir); I Love You Man (Dir); BMT: Meet the Fockers; Along Came Polly (Dir); Little Fockers; Duplex; Zoolander 2; Notes: Nominated for Worst Screenplay, Little Fockers (2010). Attended Brown University.)

Actors – Ben Stiller – (Known For: Tropic Thunder; Night at the Museum; Zoolander; Madagascar: Escape 2 Africa; Meet the Parents; There’s Something About Mary; The Cable Guy; Starsky & Hutch; Madagascar 3: Europe’s Most Wanted; Tower Heist; Night at the Museum: Secret of the Tomb; Dodgeball – A True Underdog Story; The Royal Tenenbaums; Keeping the Faith; Reality Bites; Greenberg; Megamind; While We’re Young; Mystery Men; Madagascar; Happy Gilmore; Empire of the Sun; Tenacious D in The Pick of Destiny; The Secret Life Of Walter Mitty; Night at the Museum 2: Battle of the Smithsonian; BMT: Along Came Polly; Meet the Fockers; The Heartbreak Kid; The Watch; Duplex; Little Fockers; Envy; Zoolander 2; The Suburbans; If Lucy Fell; Black and White; The Marc Pease Experience; School for Scoundrels; Fresh Horses; Being Canadian; Heavyweights (Blasphemy!)); Notes: Nominated for Worst Actor, Along Came Polly (2004), Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy (2004), Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story (2004), Envy (2004), Starsky & Hutch (2004). Oh my, that is an impressive year.)

Also stars Owen Wilson and Will Ferrell.

Budget/Gross: $50 million / $24,797,992 ($41,818,769 Worldwide) –

(This is almost definitely a disaster financially. I would guess what? $80 million total worldwide. Not even close. Disaster.)

Rotten Tomatoes: 22% (38/167), Zoolander No. 2 has more celebrity cameos than laughs — and its meager handful of memorable gags outnumbers the few worthwhile ideas discernible in its scattershot rehash of a script.

(I predict this will be fun but ultimately forgettable. But maybe this will be like Anchorman 2. Where a bunch of people hated it and I was sitting there like “but I mean that Ice Castles parody was killer” and everyone I knew was like “what?”. Hopefully there is at the very least a Color of Night gag or something.)

Poster – I don’t hate it (C+)

Zoolander Poster

(I like how clean it is. It gets the point across. I like the play on perfume ads. Five people is close to too many, but I still think it works. Just kind of boring. Nothing about this says that it is funny just that people are in it. But I don’t hate it.)

Tagline(s) – Long time no Z. (C+)

(I’m giving the plus just for the lampshading of the fact that this sequel was released waaaaay too late. Otherwise it is nonsense, a bad pun, and forgettable, probably like this movie will be.)

Notes – Eddie Murphy has expressed interest in being in Zoolander 2. He has even developed his own pose called “Black Iron”. (I feel like this would have been fun. I just watched Coming to America again though so maybe I’m just misremembering how fun Eddie Murphy is. One sec, I’m going to watch Norbit and hate my life again).

Released 15 years after the release of the first movie. (Terrible idea for the record).

Paramount partnered with Fiat Chrysler Automobiles to feature Derek Zoolander on their advertising campaign for the Fiat 500X. (This is how you make movies boys and girls. Disregard my earlier comment about this being a financial disaster, they probably made back everything in product placement and then some).

Not the first movie where Penelope Cruz encounters “The Fountain of Youth”. She visits the fabled fountain in “Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides”. (Cool story Hansel)

White Chicks Recap


‘Ello everyone. That’s right, only Patrick here. Jamie was, of course, driven insane by White Chicks. A tragic tale indeed. It is either that or he’s on holiday in Mexico. I can’t remember. It is of no consequence because we have matters of the utmost importance to attend to. In particular, a Hall of Fame induction ceremony. If you don’t know what I’m talking about then that probably means you haven’t seen White Chicks. Stop what you are doing this instant and watch it! For it is incredible (and on Netflix). A true masterpiece on every level. Since I’m pulling double duty let’s get into it!

  • The Good – Um, can I say everything? They let loose in this movie. Everybody is on board. Crazy Mexican impression which made me shout “Oh shit!”? Check. A love story built on a foundation of deceit and lies that results in an inevitable happy ending? Check. A panoply of friends/enemies of the white chicks each one with an individual scene where they can just go bananas on screen? Check. Terry Crews fart battle? Check. Terry Crews “hilarious” roofie/rape storyline?! Check. Terry Crews accidentally having sex with a man gag?!! CHECK.
  • The Bad – Uh … I’m saying everything again. This movie makes no sense. It is genuinely racist. Every storyline is somehow both expected and off-the-wall, a Schrodinger-like situation in which I think the plot didn’t exist until I observed it at which time it collapsed into a movie that was designed for the pleasure of the observer. Without quantum effects this movie is completely inexplicable. It is the two slit experiment for BMT Theory. You see what it has done to me? I’m making no sense!
  • The BMT – Did you not hear this is a BMT Hall of Fame inductee? This should honestly have a 70+ BMeTric. It appears than in the past few years people have been somehow giving this 6+ ratings on IMDb, otherwise it would be there. For shame world.
  • They Look Like Monsters – I’m adding a new special category to my recap. I wrote this exact phrase more than a dozen times in my 5+ pages of notes about this movie. They looked like monsters. Every so often I’d start to wane a bit then all of a sudden Monster Face! And I was back on board. They looked insane. I can only think they knew exactly what they were doing. This ain’t no Big Momma or Norbit, this wasn’t going for wins for makeup. At least I hoped not. Because they looked like monsters. I hope you like monster movies …. because they looked like monsters.
  • This movie could have been a horror film with minimal slick editing.
  • Multiple fart battles.
  • A harpy wife character which will make you go “racist and misogynistic?! They’ve done it again!”
  • A++++ would watch again. They look like monsters!

Phew, I’ve been thinking about this movie for days. It made me wonder about the Hall of Fame for BMT. Looking back through the lists I would tentatively put 29 previous films into the Hall of Fame (That sounds too high, I feel like a HoF is more like 1-5% of players). But until Jamie gets back tentative it will remain. Rest assured though, White Chicks is on the list. And I am now 1000% more excited for Littleman. And waaaaaay on board with White Chicks 2. I have a feeling it will have to go in the Big Momma’s House 2 direction in which they, inexplicably, use the same characters in a subsequent FBI investigation (i.e. No longer will we have to suspend our disbelief that people could ever mistake the monsters they transform into for real life women, hooray!). On. Board.

Game time. My quick game is a drinking game. This is three fold and rather cavalier when it comes to drinking games. Trust me, it would work:

  • If you think “They look like monsters” – drink
  • If you think “wow, that seems racist” – drink
  • If you think “well, no way they could get away with that joke nowadays” – drink

If you are honest with yourself you will be slammed by the end of playing this game. Be honest with yourself.

And as for Jamie’s game, I heard through the grapevine that this movie was in fact based on a book. The book is called The Debutantes. Written as a pre-world war I satire of upper crust British society the book is about two handmaiden of wealthy ladies on their way to a debutante ball who, through a series of hilarious events, end up taking the places of their mistresses. Deftly navigating the political firestorm that is high society Britain, the two servants teach the nobles a thing or two about manners (and attract the eyes of the most desirable lords to boot). Critics decried it as “Low-class Evelyn Waugh” and “Distinctly non-posh”, the book quietly entered the public domain and then was adapted by the Waynes brothers (huge fans). Or so my grapevine source led me to believe.


The Sklog

White Chicks Preview

As we head into the homestretch of the airball category, we are faced with finding a Razzie nominated film featuring a professional athlete. This is going to be pretty hard, right? Wrong! Not when you have Terry Crews (played for six years in the NFL) on your side! That’s right, we are taking advantage of his comedy filmography and doing the classic Wayans Brothers film White Chicks! It was nominated for five Razzies (Worst Picture, Worst Actress (ugh, for the Wayans Brothers), Worst Director, Worst Screenplay, and Worst Onscreen Couple), but came up against a juggernaut (Catwoman) and failed to win any of them. I’m pretty excited for this. Let’s go!

White Chicks (2004) – BMeTric: 50.7


(Woah Nelly! Two 50+ BMeTric films in a row? Hose us down! This might be too much to handle. This is actually a nice plot because White Chicks was released right as the internet archive started to store IMDb pages and it is reasonably popular. You can even see the DVD bump right in the beginning.)

Leonard Maltin – 2 stars – Two male, maverick FBI agents go deep undercover, disguised as air-headed twin sisters, to flush out a criminal. They’re black but the girls are white, and that’s the central joke. Logic aside (and it certainly is), the heavy-handed comedy is a fragile excuse for the Wayans brothers to do a series of broad, silly riffs, poking fun at stereotypical white people. Unrated version runs 115m.

(Secret twin movie! Secret twin movie! Just like the Antonio Banderas classic Two Much, this begs the question: does a movie where the characters are pretending to be twins count as a real twin movie? The answer is yes, yes, a thousand times yes. I’m so happy. Editor Note: To point out, unlike with Two Much in this case presumably Maitland Ward and Anne Dudek are in fact playing twins. Although I don’t recall whether they specifically mention they are twins in the FBI briefing in the beginning or not. It is a subtle but important difference.)

Trailer –

(They literally look like monsters. How anyone would think they are human beings is odd, especially anyone who knew the girls they were impersonating. I’ll just hang out waiting for the dance scene, which looks amazing.)

Writer/Director – Keenen Ivory Wayans – (Known For: Scary Movie; I’m Gonna Git You Sucka; BMT: Scary Movie 2; White Chicks; A Low Down Dirty Shame; Little Man; Notes: Nominated for Worst Director and Screenplay, White Chicks (2004), Littleman (2006). Rose to prominence as the creator of the sketch comedy show In Living Color)

Actors/Writers – Shawn Wayans – (Known For: I’m Gonna Git You Sucka; BMT: Scary Movie 2 (Wri); White Chicks (Wri); Dance Flick (Wri); Little Man (Dir) (Not Found); Don’t Be a Menace to South Central While Drinking Your Juice in The Hood; Notes: Brother of director Keenen Ivory Wayans.)

Marlon Wayans – (Known For: Scary Movie; Requiem for a Dream; The Heat; The Ladykillers; Above the Rim; I’m Gonna Git You Sucka; BMT: Scary Movie 2; White Chicks; A Haunted House; G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra; A Haunted House 2; Senseless; Dance Flick; Dungeons & Dragons; Norbit; The Sixth Man; Fifty Shades of Black; Mo’ Money; Marmaduke; Little Man; Don’t Be a Menace to South Central While Drinking Your Juice in The Hood; Notes: Nominated for Worst Supporting Actor, G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra (2009). Originally cast as Robin in Batman Forever.)

(Dual Razzie Notes For Shawn and Marlon: Won for Worst Actor and Screen Couple, Littleman (2006), Nominated for Worst Screenplay, Littleman (2006), Nominated for Worst Actress, Screen Couple and Screenplay: White Chicks (2004). I actually find it rather stunning that of their entire filmography only two movies generated all but one of the Razzie nominations for the Wayne family)

Additional Writers – Michael Anthony Snowden (screenplay) – (BMT: Scary Movie 2; White Chicks; Notes: Nominated for Worst Screenplay, White Chicks (2004). According to IMDB his nickname is FireFly, used to write for South Park)

Andy McElfresh (screenplay) – (BMT: White Chicks; Notes: Nominated for Worst Screenplay, White Chicks (2004). Writes prolifically for late night television. In 2013 he and Kevin Smith co-wrote a Krampus based anthology horror film on Kevin Smith’s podcast, unrelated to the actual Krampus movie from 2015)

Xavier Cook (screenplay) – (BMT: White Chicks; Notes: Nominated for Worst Screenplay, White Chicks (2004), frequent collaborator with the Wayne family)

Budget/Gross: $37 million / $70,831,760 ($113,086,475 Worldwide)

(Smash hit… which is not surprising. Right around the time that Big Momma’s House was also a smash hit. The fifth (!) highest grossing “cross dressing” film of all time. The lowest grossing major release (1000+ theaters)? Connie and Carla (2004)… which I’ve never heard of.)

Rotten Tomatoes: 14% (18/123), Scattershot comedy that’s silly and obvious.

(Wow, RT. That’s all you can give us for a consensus? No clever pun like “Silly gags and poor writing makes this Wayans brothers comedy a drag.” Like I just made that up in five seconds and it’s better than your lame consensus that could apply to a trillion other comedies.)

Poster – Literal Monsters


(Gooo! Again, monsters. This is a great example of the types of posters that I hate, hate, hate. No clear color scheme other than white (and human colored, which is the worst). The font isn’t interesting. The spacing is all off. You know what it reminds me of? The Juwanna Mann poster, which was also the worst. I wonder if it was made by the same guy.)

Tagline(s) – None! (F-)

(No!!! No, no, no, no, no.  I do not accept this. BMT will be shutting down until White Chicks gets their fucking act together and provides a tagline. Nope. Unacceptable.)

Notes – The Miltons was originally intended to be a comical remake of Gone With the Wind in modern day Beverly Hills. After many script revisions, the story settled and became White Chicks. (Is “the story settled” some euphemism for something? So we set out to make this like a modern day Godfather, but then the story settled, yada yada yada Deuce Bigelow).

The original title was the “The Miltons” sounding more like the Hiltons, which they spoofed. (hmmm, I think we may have missed the boat a bit on the cultural reference here)

When The Wilson sisters get out of the airplane, the song playing is a spoof of “Miss Hilton”, a song recorded by The Penfifteen Club for The Simple Life, Paris Hilton’s hit reality show. (yeah, I’m going to cut short the Hilton notes at this point. We get it, they’re making fun of the Hiltons)

Less than a year ago the Waynes said they wanted to do White Chicks 2. (sigh)

Razzie Cred

Razzie Awards 2005, Nominated for Worst Picture, Columbia

Razzie Awards 2005, Nominated for Worst Actress, Shawn Wayans, Marlon Wayans, The Wayans Sisters.

Razzie Awards 2005, Nominated for Worst Screen Couple, Shawn Wayans, Marlon Wayans, The Wayans Brothers (In or Out of Drag).

Razzie Awards 2005, Nominated for Worst Director, Keenen Ivory Wayans

Razzie Awards 2005, Nominated for Worst Screenplay, Keenen Ivory Wayans, Shawn Wayans, Marlon Wayans, Andrew McElfresh, Michael Anthony Snowden, Xavier Cook