BMT 2018 – Page 12 – Bad Movie Twins

Bringing Down the House Recap

Jamie

Peter is an uptight lawyer looking for love after his divorce. When the woman he meets online turns out to be an African American ex-con looking for legal help it couldn’t have come at a worse time. He’s got the big deal to close! Oh no! Can he close the deal (and get the girl (and learn to live and love again)) before it’s too late? Find out in… Bringing Down the House.

How?! Peter is super sad and lonely. He’s still in love with his ex-wife and continually disappoints his kids with his workaholic tendencies. If this sounds like a laugh riot, then this is the film for you! No? Well, do you like stereotypes that occasionally cross into overt racism? Yes? Great! He meets a lady online named Charlene and is super jazzed only to be crushed when she turns out to be an African American ex-con who needs him to help her clear her name. He’s ready to kick her to the curb except that she threatens to reveal to his super racist neighbors that he’s somehow adjacently involved with a black lady. Egad! What is a scared white person to do?! While he tries to deal with her, Peter also has a snooty (and racist) client that he has to close a big deal with. This all meanders about for a while with Charlene getting close to Peter’s children and helping them out with their C storylines, Peter’s coworker falling madly in lust with Charlene’s luscious curves, and eventually them all finding out that Charlene isn’t an ex-con after all… she’s an escaped convict! Everything falls apart, but Peter being the white savior that he is still tries to help out Charlene. In turn she tries to help him out by kidnapping the snooty heiress and gets her totally high on the weed (good plan). Finally Peter confronts the man who framed Charlene who admits to everything on a tape recorder. Enraged, he shoots Charlene only to have her survive thanks to a cell phone made of titanium (this is real). Having gotten high the heiress employs Peter and he gets back with his ex-wife. Jesus. This movie was straight crazytown. THE END.

Why?! Peter’s motivation is to close the big deal (but really we know the deal he really wants to close is the one that gets him back with his ex-wife). Charlene really does want to clear her name. Interestingly there is very little background provided to the audience about her crime. She mostly just says “I didn’t do it,” and then talk about trying to get her off on a technicality. Turns out she really was framed so Peter’s not a very good lawyer… which should have been obvious since he was a tax lawyer with no criminal law experience.

What?! Even the product placements were kinda stereotypical. When Charlene invited a whole bunch of friends over what is the drink of choice at the party? Olde English 800 of course. I was like “oh that’s pretty bad.” Little did I know that an old white lady would be singing a super racist spiritual only an hour later. Boy howdy.

Who?! This has two of our favorite. Alongside our leading musician-turned-actress we have Kelly Price appearing in a cameo. She is a club singer that performs when Steven Martin gets his groove on and learns to be hip. Additionally we have a credit for Linus the Dog portraying William Shakespeare. He doesn’t have any other credits on IMDb, but I think there is a strong chance he was part of the cast of a short lived show Men, Women and Dogs. I’m sure I could figure it out for sure if I tried… but I won’t.

Where?! Pretty clear this was set in Los Angeles. They started the film with a gratuitous license plate shot. Not vital to the plot or featured in any particular way, though. C+

When?! I feel like this should have been obvious since Charlene escapes from jail and that’s on the news and stuff… but alas, I couldn’t find any evidence of when this took place. Would have to guess the summer since the kids weren’t in school. F.

This film actually started with a deftly made opening about a lonely man connecting with someone online during an emotionally difficult time in his life. It’s actually pretty sweet seeing Steve Martin go about trying to figure out how to set up a date while his coworker encourages him. This then almost immediately falls apart once we enter the actual plot of the film, which at times had me holding my head in disbelief. It’s like we started at the top of a roller-coaster and almost immediately started falling towards pure craziness and offensiveness. It picked up speed all the way to a ludicrous ending that you kinda have to see to believe. The only real bright spot is an interesting and not entirely offensive bit with Eugene Levy falling in love with Charlene that turned out considerably better than it could have. Patrick?

Patrick

‘Ello everyone! I tried to follow the directions in this documentary. I found a fugitive from the law, harbored her in my home, and proved she was framed all along! It was a very fulfilling experience. I am still going to prison for harboring the fugitive though … can’t really get around that. Welp, c’est la vie! Let’s go!

The Good – The first half of this film is actually quite good. The premise isn’t at ludicrous as it seems. Both Martin and Queen Latifah are in actuality quite funny. Eugene Levy’s character is a crazy caricature … but he is still great as well. It is a charming half of a film that does exactly what it wants to do in a rather … unfortunate way.

P’s View on the Preview – I mean, that is it right? There was one thing and one thing only that was interesting about this film, and that is the unfortunate and (in more recent terms) tactless way they treat Steve Martin and Queen Latifah’s relationship. It was the only interesting thing about what was either going to be a boring laugh-free comedy, or a complete trainwreck depending on how offensive it was.

The Bad – The entire second half of the film just goes off the rails. Martin is harboring a fugitive, there are several crazy scenes with the heiress being a stone cold racist and smoking weed, Betty White actually does play a stone cold racist, there is a gold digger character, there is a crazy dance scene in a club. It is just crazy. Also … the titanium cellphone might as well be its own character. It has an entire arc, with Peter getting his other cellphone destroyed, him compulsively plugging it in at home constantly, and mentioning that it is $600 and made of titanium in the middle of the conclusion to the film. I cannot wait for Bringing Down the House 2: The Revenge of the Titanium Cellphone.

Get Yo Rant On – Somewhere deep in some Hollywood R&D department some intern is working on a method to edit DVDs for movies just like this. This movie would be a decent comedy (if not very funny and pretty crazy in the end) if not for the … distasteful and old-fashioned content it relies on. And there are plenty of movies like this, the gay panic scene in The Medallion is a legend! Anyways, Betty White saying a little kid looks like a … bundle of sticks is kind of where I draw the line though. If only that intern worked harder! Then they could just carefully and diligently re-edit this terrible film into something a bit more … marketable. A little dystopian, but you know they’d do it if they could. I would call this being:

Renegaded (v.) – To edit a released film in order to hide the fact that you made an abomination that no one can love; named after the Renegade Cut of Highlander II: The Quickening.

The BMT – Not really a legendary film unfortunately. It could have been if it was even more unpalatable, but watching it it isn’t nearly as bad as I expected. I do think this is an interesting recent addition to the 30-40% Rotten Tomatoes run we are going on. It does indicate our cutoff is shockingly good for something we kind of flippantly made up six years ago. Go figure.

StreetCreditReport.com – I didn’t really expect to find this on any lists. And yet, somehow, New Years come early for me because … this list is obviously amazing. How daaaaaaaare they speak ill of White Chicks though. It’s not their fault that they look like monsters!

And that is is, no homework.

Cheerios,

The Sklogs

Bringing Down the House Quiz

Do you ever stare out the window wistfully thinking of the more innocent times when white people speaking in ebonics, dropping f-bombs (not the good kind …), and dancing to hip hop were not only acceptable, but the makings of a $100 million dollar comedy? Well, then you are well prepared for this quiz!

Pop Quiz Hot Shot!

At the beginning of the film Peter Sanderson (Steve Martin) is meant to go on vacation to where?
The law firm of Peter Sanderson is courting the business of Virginia Arness the wealthy heiress. What is the breed and name of her dog?
What crime was Charlene Morton (Queen Latifah) convicted of, how long was she supposed to be in prison, and who actually committed the crime?
Peter Sanderson says he bought a new cellphone during the course of the film. What does he say it is made of?
Some of the best bits of family comedies like this are the B-stories. Peter Sanderson has an ex-wife, and two children. Can you name all three of their B-stories?

Answers

Bringing Down the House Preview

There’s no better feeling than jetting across Bosnian airspace with the Obsidian Dongle safe in hand… that is until an incoming heatseeker blows us out of the sky. We are gravely injured, but even worse the Dongle was lost on impact. Egad! We attempt to evade capture by the insurgent forces, but no amount of delicious Coca-Cola can save us. Brought in front of the warlord responsible for the tragic end to our backpacking trip, we are astonished to find that not only is the warlord a beautiful lady, but also in possession of the Dongle! We attempt to woo her with our twin charms and sensual dance routines, but she has no need for our chiseled abs, no matter how much grease we apply. Oh how our abs gleam, our pectoral muscles perfectly sculpted. The setting sun glances off them creating an effect that no woman could possibly resist. And yet she does. For she needs money for her warlording and has no time for rock-hard muscles. She requests $10 billion dollars in exchange for the Dongle. There is only one thing to do: boot up BMT Productions and let’s get a-making movies. First up we need to call our lawyer, because this production company ain’t LLCing itself and we gotta protect ourselves in case we accidentally make a super racist movie. That’s right! We’re watching Bringing Down the House. Produced by Ashok Amritraj (producer of Street Fighter: Legend of Chun-Li), this Steve Martin-Queen Latifah vehicle is chock full of stereotypes (hilarious!). Perfect for our comedy entry in the Mind of a Madman cycle. Let’s go!

Bringing Down the House (2003) – BMeTric: 43.0

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(An extremely interesting graph. I have a guess: from its release to 2015 or so people watched this and were like “Goo! That’s racist!”. Now, you might wonder whether that has changed more recently. Possibly. But it is also possible that it is just kind of regressing back to the average for a “not very funny comedy” which is high 5s I would guess. Who knows.)

Leonard Maltin – 2 stars – Martin is wasted in this crude collection of racial and sexual comic stereotypes as an uptight WASP tax attorney whose Internet chat-room mate turns out to be a black convict (Latifah) who wants him to clear her name. Naturally she loosens him up while straightening out his kids and helping him land a big deal at work. Strictly a routine big-screen sitcom, unless you find the prospect of Martin talking jive and bustin’ a groove in hip-hop garb to be the height of hilarity.

(Oooof, Leonard pulled no punches there. I do not find that the peak of comedy, so this film is going to be terrible. I do like the term “big-screen sitcom”. You can even imagine it as a sitcom. The white WASPy family takes in a brash black ex-con who just whips them into shape. Gross.)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BhT8A83MhaI

(Oh … oh no. Eugene Levy in an over the top jungle fever (is that term racist? I can’t find any definitive answer online concerning this … just pretend I’m referring to the Spike Lee movie if it is. It feels like it is though.), Steve Martin dancing, Steve Martin dressing up (now that’s racist), more Steve Martin dancing, ebonics, Steve Martin trying to get Queen Latifah to leave his country club because his country club is full of racists who are also his friends and … well, you can kind of see why that is problematic on its face! Jeez Louise … just, … I cannot wait.)

Directors – Adam Shankman – (Known For: Hairspray; Rock of Ages; Future BMT: The Wedding Planner; Bedtime Stories; BMT: Cheaper by the Dozen 2; The Pacifier; Bringing Down the House; Notes: Judge on So You Think You Can Dance for many years and long time choreographer. Looks like he’s tapped as the director for the What Men Want, the What Women Want follow up that the world has been clamoring for.)

Writers – Jason Filardi (written by) – (Known For: 17 Again; Drum; BMT: Bringing Down the House; Notes: Has a new film Status Update that wasn’t released to theaters but is available for all those Filardi-heads out there. Still doing his thing.)

Actors – Steve Martin – (Known For: The Prince of Egypt; Little Shop of Horrors; Father of the Bride; Looney Tunes: Back in Action; It’s Complicated; Dirty Rotten Scoundrels; ¡Three Amigos!; Billy Lynn’s Long Halftime Walk; Parenthood; Planes, Trains & Automobiles; Baby Mama; Shopgirl; The Jerk; Bowfinger; Home; Roxanne; Father of the Bride Part II; The Big Year; The Muppet Movie; Leap of Faith; Future BMT: Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band; The Pink Panther; The Pink Panther 2; The Out-of-Towners; Mixed Nuts; Sgt. Bilko; Christmas with the Coopers; Novocaine; HouseSitter; Jiminy Glick in Lalawood; BMT: Cheaper by the Dozen 2; Bringing Down the House; Cheaper by the Dozen; Razzie Notes: Nominee for Worst Actor for The Pink Panther 2 in 2010; Notes: World famous actor and musician. He technically is only a Tony Award away from an EGOT as he got an honorary Oscar, won an Emmy for the Smothers Brothers show, and won five Grammy’s for comedy and bluegrass music. He even got a Tony nomination for Bright Star in 2016 but lost.)

Queen Latifah – (Known For: Girls Trip; Hairspray; Chicago; 22 Jump Street; Miracles from Heaven; The Secret Life of Bees; Stranger Than Fiction; Juice; Set It Off; Ice Age: Dawn of the Dinosaurs; Ice Age 2: The Meltdown; Bringing Out the Dead; Jungle Fever; Hoodlum; Just Wright; Last Holiday; Brown Sugar; Barbershop 2: Back in Business; My Life; Living Out Loud; Future BMT: Scary Movie 3; Ice Age: Collision Course; Beauty Shop; The Cookout; The Perfect Holiday; House Party 2; Mad Money; What Happens in Vegas; Sphere; Joyful Noise; Ice Age: Continental Drift; The Bone Collector; BMT: Taxi; Pinocchio; The Dilemma; The Country Bears; Valentine’s Day; Bringing Down the House; Notes: Musician-turned-actress, she is pretty much just an actress now. Culminated in an Oscar nomination for her role in Chicago.)

Eugene Levy – (Known For: American Pie; Vacation; Finding Dory; American Reunion; American Pie 2; American Pie: The Wedding; Father of the Bride; Over the Hedge; Night at the Museum 2; Josie and the Pussycats; Splash; Best in Show; Goon; Heavy Metal; Taking Woodstock; Serendipity; Like Mike; A Mighty Wind; Astro Boy; Curious George; Future BMT: Dumb and Dumberer: When Harry Met Lloyd; Holy Man; Madea’s Witness Protection; The Ladies’ Man; Down to Earth; I Love Trouble; Club Paradise; Cannonball Fever; Armed and Dangerous; Almost Heroes; Once Upon a Crime…; A Ted Named Gooby; BMT: New York Minute; Cheaper by the Dozen 2; Bringing Down the House; Razzie Notes: Nominee for Worst Supporting Actor in 2006 for Cheaper by the Dozen 2, and The Man; Notes: Famed Canadian comedy actor huge in the comedy scene of the 1980s, particularly for SCTV for which he won two Emmys.)

Budget/Gross – $33 million / Domestic: $132,716,677 (Worldwide: $164,729,679)

(An absolute smash hit. One would wonder why it didn’t get a sequel. $100 million for a comedy is no joke.)

#11 for the Romantic Comedy genre

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(Incredible. The next highest BMT is at 14 with Sweet Home Alabama. Came out right in the thick of the rom com boom in the 2000s. This genre basically comes up every two months so we’ve had plenty of notes about it kind of getting relegated to VOD and dying, so no need to rehash that. This is currently the highest grossing qualifying rom com though. Cannot be beat.)

Rotten Tomatoes – 34% (50/149): Though the cast shines, they can’t save this comedy, which is overly contrived and filled with outdated and offensive racial jokes.

(Do it. Just say it Rotten Tomatoes. It’s racist. A bunch of white Hollywood producers got together, made a bunch of borderline jokes concerning black people, and everyone kind of shrugged their shoulders. Actually that is unfair. I bet Queen Latifah didn’t think it was racist at the time. And also I specifically remember seeing this trailing and thinking to myself “oh no … that seems racist”, so people really didn’t shrug their shoulders. Although that box office gross suggests otherwise …)

Poster – Sklogging Down the House (C-)

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(Nah, pass. While the framing is humorous, everything else is basically the opposite of what I want out of a poster. Bumped up from D- for the cleverness of the framing.)

Tagline(s) – Everything he needed to know about life, she learned in prison. (C)

(Wake me up when you finish reading this. Again, I think they landed on a tagline that conveys something about the plot in a slightly clever way… and yet it’s terrible.)

Keyword(s) – lawyer; Top Ten by BMeTric: 77.9 Basic Instinct 2 (2006); 77.0 Material Girls (2006); 73.1 Legally Blonde 2: Red, White & Blonde (2003); 72.0 Caddyshack II (1988); 69.1 Anacondas: The Hunt for the Blood Orchid (2004); 68.6 Texas Chainsaw 3D (2013); 67.1 Did You Hear About the Morgans? (2009); 64.3 Fair Game (1995); 64.2 Dr. T & the Women (2000); 63.6 Body of Evidence (1993);

(Dr. T & the Women is ridiculous. It doesn’t actually qualify for BMT. It actually makes me wonder about how many such films exist … wait a minute I have this data. At least some of it. And there are about 60 films with BMeTrics above 50 but Rotten Tomatoes scores above 40%. Dr. T is the best Romance available though, so it has that going for it.)

Notes – According to the commentary, the house that Kate lives in is actually the same house from Father of the Bride (1991). (fun. fact)

Producers wanted the slang that was spoken in the movie to be current and relevant to the time period in which the movie was released. This proved to be difficult as words take on different meaning to become Ebonics almost everyday. (Whatever words they used during filming might not have been in circulation by the time the film was released.) In order to play it safe, some of the Ebonics spoken in the movie was made up by the actors on the spot. (Oh no)

In one of Steve Martin’s early comedy skits, he can’t pronounce the word “abominable”. Mrs. Arness, near the end when she is “stoned”, struggles in a similar way to say the word “abominably”

Jason Filardi’s original screenplay was entitled “Jailbabe.com”. He had Adam Sandler and Angelina Jolie in mind when he first wrote it. (Whaaaaaaaaaaaaat a terrible title)

Despite the fact that this was filmed in Super 35, “Filmed in Panavision” is listed in the end credits.

Michael Rosenbaum wore a wig as Todd Gendler due to shaving his head bald for the role of Lex Luther in Smallville (2001).

The Russian title for the film translates as “House Upside Down”. The German title of the movie translates to “House over the Head”.

Behind Enemy Lines Recap

Jamie

A disillusioned navy pilot crashes behind enemy lines in Bosnia and has to survive long enough to report the atrocities he has evidence of. Can he evade capture and rediscover his love for the good ol’ U-S-of-A before it’s too late? Find out in… Behind Enemy Lines.

What?! Lt. Chris Burnett is fed up. He’s fed up with just sitting around while peace is negotiated in the Bosnian War, he’s fed up with his asshole boss Admiral Reigart, and he’s goddamn fed up with flying pointless reconnaissance missions on Christmas Day! That’s why he’s put in his resignation letter and, phew, just a couple more days and he won’t have to deal with it anymore. What could go wrong? Well shortly thereafter his plane goes off course (not his fault), inadvertently takes some pictures of some war crimes (oops), gets blown out of the sky (boy howdy, talk about a rough day), and his co-pilot is killed by Serbian soldiers (that got dark). Now he’s stuck behind enemy lines and America, handcuffed by bullshit peace or whatever, can’t go in and roast some dudes in lethal combat in order to save him (woooooooo, war!). What follows is a long footrace across the mountains of Bosnia with Serbians in hot pursuit. He has some zany adventures falling into mass graves, getting shot at by a sniper, and eventually joining up with some Coca-Cola toting, hip hop spouting Bosnian insurgents who help him to his destination. Finally, just when Burnett retrieves some valuable evidence of war crimes, he is rescued personally by Reigart who is all like “Bet you love America now. How about we just forget about all that resignation shit.” And they laugh and laugh and laugh (mostly so they don’t cry over all the human beings that have killed in the process of the film). THE END.

Why?! To live. In some ways it’s the motivation underlying every movie we watch (that’s deep, Jamie). Thank you. But seriously, Burnett kinda sucks but has to put all that whiny bullshit aside in order to survive and deliver justice for the war crimes he witnessed. The Serbians want to cover up all those war crimes, which is why they desperately want to snuff out Burnett. It’s a real cat and mouse game here.

What?! This has one of the greatest and most unexpected gratuitous product placements in BMT history. We get Owen Wilson, dehydrated and exhausted, picked up by a truck filled with Bosnian fighters. He begs for some water, but they don’t have any. All they have is some delicious Coca-Cola. He takes a sip and smiles, “it’s good,” he says. Oh, it’s good all right.

Who?! We get a “special thanks” credit for Phil Strub. Who’s that? Why he’s the entertainment liaison for the Department of Defense and by all accounts controls Hollywood’s access to anything military. The article suggests that this dude actually has some influence on the portrayal of the military in film to the point of requesting and getting script changes. Sounds like an amazing job, when do I start?

Where?! Just misses the coveted A+. If only it were called Behind Bosnian Lines. While a terrible title, they would have had the satisfaction of getting the top grade on our website, which is read by tens of people (probably… I don’t know. Might be single digits). A.

When?! Secret Holiday Film Alert! Tis the season to be jolly, because we got Xmas in May up in here. Just when Burnett is heading off for his mission he is lamenting the fact that they are the only crew flying on Christmas Day. The mission is an act of revenge to punish his bad ‘tude. I’m gonna go ahead and give it an A. Not in the title, but vital to the plot in an unexpected way.

We’ve been watching a number of 30-40% RT films lately and I have appreciated seeing what makes them different from the <30% dregs that we are usually watching. The direction, editing, music, and general pro-war stance should have pulled this film lower… and yet it didn’t. Why? I think it was because it was eminently watchable. It was like a Michael Bay film except not 5 hours long and I genuinely enjoyed myself. Maybe that’s what buoyed it up to the the higher edge of BMT. Patrick?

Patrick

‘Ello everyone! What happens when you decide to construct a film entirely out of military stock footage, slow motion shots of Owen Wilson running, and explosions? Let’s go!

The Good – This movie is not that bad, which I guess shouldn’t be that surprising since the Rotten Tomatoes score isn’t that bad. It flies along at a decent pace, Owen Wilson and Gene Hackman are serviceable to solid throughout, and the story is at least pretty interesting (if ludicrous). It is a bad military film, but it is a fine action film, which is a compliment … I think.

P’s View on the Preview – All of my bad movie hopes and bad movie dreams were tied up in the direction of this film. Everything I read basically suggested two reasons for the bad reviews. The first was just the jingoistic nature of the whole affair, which is often unpalatable to critics. The second though was the frenetic direction which often seemed to go from quick cut incomprehensibility to just multiple versions of Owen Wilson running in slow motion. So mainly I hoped that the direction was so bonkers that it pulled this film from a boring not-great war film to something special.

The Bad – And it kind of did, the direction and soundtrack very obviously sunk the film. Reflecting on the more recent 30-40% Rotten Tomatoes the films tend to be much more tolerable that the truly dire films below 30%. Monte Carlo is a decent example, it is of a cloying teen romantic comedy, but that is kind of the only thing that makes it bad. Here the direction is quite distracting and the soundtrack is just insane. As I said this makes for a shitty military movie, but a tolerable action movie. It does one or two things right, one or two things wrong, let’s call it a draw.

Get Yo Rant On – Was there a point in time when having the bad guys in film be the international peacekeepers was in fashion? The feckless international commander (who they only heavily implied had some shadowy agreement to hide genocide) was from France, and could not have been more in the way. I cannot help but think it has at least something to do with the tacit agreement the film crew and the military struck to get those sweet aircraft carrier shots. Blatant jingoism is as American as, well … military movies I suppose. Little did the director know that Michael Bay had already perfected the art of bending over backwards for sweet military shots with his smash critical hit Pearl Harbor the same year. Rant over.

The BMT – Unfortunately no. But it was interesting to see what is considered to be a late-90s / early 00s bad war film. War films, if they aren’t Sci-Fi (*cough* Battleship *cough*) seem to rarely be very very bad. So it fills a niche there for sure.

Welcome to Earf – Easy one this week. Behind Enemy Lines stars Owen Wilson who was in I Spy with Eddie Murphy who was in Norbit with Terry Crews who was in Blended with Adam Sandler who was in Jack and Jill with Al Pacino who was in 88 Minutes with Leelee Sobieski who was in Here on Earth. Welcome to Earf! There probably is an alternative non-I-Spy path to take, but I couldn’t find it organically.

StreetCreditReport.com – Nope. None. It wasn’t even close to making lists for 2001, but also I couldn’t find a single example in specifically lists concerning war films. Turns out the hatred for The Patriot, Pearl Harbor, and Revolution (you remember Revolution … starring Al Pacino … yeah me neither) is strooooong. Such is life, sometimes you just have to check those boxes.

No homework again, but soon, I can feel it. Soon I’ll be reading some terrible book for BMT.

Cheerios,

The Sklogs

Behind Enemy Lines Quiz

Uh oh, you thought you would just buzz by this website and peruse our bad movie ramblings? Think again! You just got shot down by our Bad Movie anti-aircraft missiles and are stuck behind the Bad Movie enemy line. And we’re after you, this ain’t no joke, we’ve been stuck in a Bad Movie prison camp and know how to do one thing well: kill. You best get ready for a quiz!

Pop Quiz Hot Shot!

There are two crewmen in Burnett’s jet, a pilot and navigator. Which is Burnett?
After Burnett (Owen Wilson) and Stackhouse’s flight is cancelled (again, boo!) they go to the mess to get their chow on. What food does Burnett make quite a show of eating?
After getting shot down Burnett and Stackhouse are separated from their cockpit chairs which had homing beacons. Why did Reigart subsequently order Burnett’s homing beacon to be turned off?
After a close escape from the factory booby trapped with mines Burnett escaped to a nearby highway to flag down a very America-loving truck. What kind of music was the truck playing?
The Serbians have a dastardly plan to fake Burnett’s death to prevent the Americans from deploying a rescue mission. What event tips off the battleship that Owen Wilson was alive and well?

Answers

Behind Enemy Lines Preview

While under the control of the reverse Amnimals machine we are reduced to our basest instincts. Watching grown men panic about being gay is suddenly hilarious and it seems we may be doomed for all eternity to watch Meet the Spartans on an infinite loop. Noooooooo! Hungry from laughing so much, we order in what we crave: delicious $5 footlongs from Subway. The patented Subway flavor crystals hit our lizard brains and the Amnimals machine is destroyed. Hooray! We are back to our super twin ways! We slam a couple Bud Lights and chase down the Obsidian Dongle with our Budweiser super speed. With the Dongle in hand we take the quickest way out of there: our personal fighter jet. Hope everything works out and this is a totally incident free flight back to the US. Hmmm, should be alright to take this flight out of Greece straight through Bosnian airspace. What could go wrong? That’s right! We’re going Behind Enemy Lines for the final stop on the backpacking tour. This takes place in Bosnia & Herzegovina and will serve as a transition to the next cycle called Mind of a Madman, where we try to watch films produced by the same people as the films we’ve inducted in the BMT HoF. Behind Enemy Lines was produced by John Davis, the same person who made Norbit (believe it or not). I’m excited. Let’s go!

Behind Enemy Lines (2001) – BMeTric: 21.4

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(A rating of 6.4 is actually quite good. It seems like it wants to end up on the other side of 6.5 even. The BMeTric successfully identifies this as borderline BMT, which matched with the Rotten Tomatoes score. A BMeTric of 20 is I think something like a 35 quartile, definitively below the median value.)

Leonard Maltin – 2.5 stars – A cocky naval airman is shot down behind enemy lines in Bosnia and his commanding officer is unable to rescue him because of political constraints. Action yarn delivers a lot of excitement, but a hyperactive camera may produce motion sickness in some viewers. The corny finale seems to have come from a lesser-grade Hollywood movie of decades past. Followed by a direct-to-video sequel and a direct-to-DVD sequel.

(If you look at John Moore’s note below I already am rather excited about that quick edit style that is being promised. At the time it might have actually been ahead of its time considering Jason Bourne wouldn’t come out until the next year.)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pidKTNCGbkk

(This soundtrack is going to be off the chains, and the camera work does indeed seem bonkers judging from the trailer. I love Gene Hackman though. Straight up.)

Directors – John Moore – (Future BMT: The Omen; I.T.; Flight of the Phoenix; BMT: A Good Day to Die Hard; Max Payne; Behind Enemy Lines; Notes: Wow all of his films are below 40%. Irish, he is known for a quite edit style, which I’ll like to see showcased in this film.)

Writers – Jim Thomas and John Thomas (story) (as James Thomas) – (Known For: Predators; Predator; Executive Decision; Future BMT: Wild Wild West; Mission to Mars; Predator 2; BMT: AVPR: Aliens vs Predator – Requiem; AVP: Alien vs. Predator; Behind Enemy Lines; Razzie Notes: Winner for Worst Screenplay for Wild Wild West in 2000; Notes: Brothers, that also wrote on the short lived television series Hard Time on Planet Earth which seems like an amazing one-and-done series. Critics “detested” it according to wikipedia.)

David Veloz (screenplay) – (Known For: Natural Born Killers; Permanent Midnight; BMT: Behind Enemy Lines; Notes: Weirdly appeared in the news recently when he was quoted as saying Oliver Stone was “sexist and cruel” and Stone himself made news by defending Harvey Weinstein.)

Zak Penn (screenplay) – (Known For: Ready Player One; Avengers Assemble; The Incredible Hulk; X-Men: The Last Stand; X-Men 2; P.C.U.; The Grand; Incident at Loch Ness; Future BMT: Inspector Gadget; Suspect Zero; Last Action Hero; BMT: Elektra; Behind Enemy Lines; Razzie Notes: Nominee for Worst Screenplay for Last Action Hero in 1994; Notes: Apparently wrote a first draft of Antz. Apparently in Europe P.C.U. is called Politically Correct Party Animals. That film is based on Penn’s experiences with the Eclectic Society of Wesleyan University.)

Actors – Gene Hackman – (Known For: Superman; The Royal Tenenbaums; Young Frankenstein; Unforgiven; Superman II; The Replacements; Bonnie and Clyde; Mississippi Burning; Crimson Tide; The Birdcage; Enemy of the State; The Firm; The French Connection; No Way Out; The Conversation; Antz; A Bridge Too Far; Wyatt Earp; Runaway Jury; The Quick and the Dead; Future BMT: Loose Cannons; Two of a Kind; All Night Long; BMT: Superman IV: The Quest for Peace; Welcome to Mooseport; The Chamber; Behind Enemy Lines; Notes: Considering he retired after Mooseport, we really could finish off his filmography really easily. Loose Cannons looks awful.)

Owen Wilson – (Known For: Wonder; The Grand Budapest Hotel; Cars 3; Fantastic Mr. Fox; Inherent Vice; Cars; Wedding Crashers; The Royal Tenenbaums; Meet the Parents; Midnight in Paris; Zoolander; The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou; The Darjeeling Limited; Night at the Museum; Night at the Museum: Secret of the Tomb; Night at the Museum 2; No Escape; Bottle Rocket; Marley & Me; She’s Funny That Way; Future BMT: Anaconda; Breakfast of Champions; How Do You Know; Little Fockers; You, Me and Dupree; Are You Here; Drillbit Taylor; Masterminds; Hall Pass; Father Figures; Free Birds; Cars 2; Meet the Fockers; The Internship; Armageddon; BMT: Zoolander 2; The Haunting; Marmaduke; I Spy; Around the World in 80 Days; Behind Enemy Lines; Razzie Notes: Nominee for Worst Supporting Actor, and Worst Screen Combo for Zoolander 2 in 2017; and Nominee for Worst Screen Couple in 2003 for I Spy; Notes: There was a point in time in which Owen Wilson was doing kind of half-funny action-y films. Like Anaconda, The Haunting, and this. This can out right after Shanghai Noon though, so I wonder if it was just a holdover as Wilson was trying to find his niche.)

Gabriel Macht – (Known For: Love & Other Drugs; The Good Shepherd; The Recruit; The Object of My Affection; A Love Song for Bobby Long; Grand Theft Parsons; A Bag of Hammers; The Adventures of Sebastian Cole; Future BMT: The Spirit; Whiteout; Bad Company; Simply Irresistible; Middle Men; BMT: Because I Said So; American Outlaws; Behind Enemy Lines; Notes: Star of Suits and son of Stephen Macht who was a 70s / 80s character actor, especially for bit parts on television shows.)

Budget/Gross – $40 million / Domestic: $58,856,790 (Worldwide: $91,753,202)

(Decent return. You’d think they were looking to get closer to $100 million domestic for an action feature at the time. Came out right after 9/11 though (November 2001), so I wonder if that dampened its return a bit.)

#15 for the Pilot / Aircraft genre

behindenemylines_pilot

(You might be tempted to try and match these to wars, but in reality it looks like it is just a wave pattern. The production of “airplane” movies just happened all at once every five years or so. Possibly it matches better with technology involving aviation filmmaking equipment? Left Behind and Stealth are the other BMT examples, and this made the most of any we’ve seen. The number one film, Pearl Harbor, does qualify though.)

Rotten Tomatoes – 37% (48/130): The plot for Behind Enemy Lines is more jingoistic than credible, and the overload of flashy visual tricks makes the action sequences resemble a video game.

(Pretty close to 40%, but I am excited to see (1) slo-mo running, (2) the apparently ridiculous soundtrack, (3) jingoistic nonsense. Sounds like a nice Saturday afternoon honestly. Reviewer Highlight – A piece of junk. – Richard Roeper, Ebert & Roeper; I just love how terse it is, right to the point.)

Poster – Behind Enemy Sklogs (A+)

behind_enemy_lines

(That. Is. The. Best. I actually have goosebumps. I don’t even care that it has shit font. That’s an A+. Wooooooooooo! America!)

Tagline(s) – In War There Are Some Lines You Should Never Cross. (C-)

(Interestingly I don’t think “enemy lines” count as lines that should never be cross… maybe just not accidentally and without a plan/backup. This tagline is a sham! Also this is too long.)

Keyword(s) – navy; Top Ten by BMeTric: 68.3 Gulliver’s Travels (2010); 64.4 Stealth (2005); 42.6 Reptilicus (1961); 41.5 DeepStar Six (1989); 41.1 Battleship (2012); 40.9 Mega Shark vs. Mecha Shark (2014); 40.9 Tiptoes (2003); 40.1 Navy Seals (1990); 35.9 G.I. Jane (1997); 32.1 Airport ’77 (1977);

(What a strange group of films. I am quite excited for DeepStar Six though. Should be a very interesting, especially since it is a submarine film (shout out to Jamie’s podcast Submersion, which is all about submarine films).)

Notes – In the football scene, the filmmakers actually tried to have the catapult shuttle kick the football off. Unfortunately, the shuttle completely obliterated the ball, forcing a Navy Master Chief to just chuck the ball in the air for the desired shot. (hahahaha)

The film is based loosely on the experiences of USAF Capt. Scott O’Grady, who was shot down near the town of Mrkonjic Grad in northern Bosnia in June 1995 and was stranded in Serb-held territory for six days before being rescued by US Marines. O’Grady brought a lawsuit against 20th Century-Fox for damages to his character. He claims he didn’t curse as much and never disobeyed orders. (lol, they settled)

Director John Moore was nearly killed in the scene where the tank busts through the wall. He was pulled away by a stuntman just in time.

This is the first movie to feature the US Navy’s new F/A-18E/F Super Hornet. (this is the kind of shit I come for right here)

Owen Wilson jokes that most of this movie was creating “a bunch of ways to make running dramatic.” (Almost definitely)

In the initial flyby scene of the aircraft carrier the deck crew can be seen standing in a long line across the deck. This is part of the beginning of flight operations as they search for any objects lying around on the flight deck (e.g. screws, bolts, trash, etc.) that could be sucked in the aircraft’s intake during takeoff.

The production made all of the snow out of paper. At the time of filming, it was the first winter in 104 years that it hadn’t snowed in Slovakia.

The whole town of Hac is a set, built for the movie

Coca-Cola did not pay for its product placement in the movie. (Good to know before I make fun of it in a week)

The US Navy ship used is the USS Carl Vinson (CVN 70), which has been used in several other films. (yiiiiiissssssss)

None of the actors playing Serbians were actually Serbian; the producers said that they hired Croats as interns and instructors to teach the actors the Serbian language, because they couldn’t find any Serbs willing to work on the film due to perceived anti-Serb sentiment shown in the film. (Huh that is pretty interesting)

The SAM missile system shown in the film is the 9K35 Strela-10 firing the 9M37M missile. It uses an electro-optical guidance, laser proximity fusing and triple channel guidance system. However, its range is only 5 km and it can only intercept up to 3,500 metres (10,600 feet).

According to the beginning of the movie, the “Cincinnati Accords” ended the war in Bosnia. This treaty is loosely based on the real-life Dayton Agreement that ended the war in late 1995. Ironically, the “Cincinnati Accords” required NATO forces to withdraw from Bosnia, while the real-life Dayton Agreement allowed a large NATO force to be sent to Bosnia to help ensure the peace deal. (Wait … they made up a treaty?)

Some of the flashback footage that’s used is from the Bosnian War movie Savior (1998). (Nice, I love some stock footage facts)

One scene had to be changed because the Department of Defense objected to a two-star general like Reigart leaking information to the press. (I love that the studio gave in too, this kind of stuff seems to happen a lot)

The heat images of soldiers are actually one guy walking around holding a broomstick.

Gene Hackman came up with the idea for Reigart to smoke so he would have a weakness. (hmmmm I like that)

Most of the helicopters in the movie are from the Slovak Air Force, but the rescue choppers are American-made.

The producers had complete cooperation from the US Department of Defense. For one scene, they even turned around the aircraft carrier so the crew could get the right shot. (Explains the above note, unless you are tricky you need cooperation to get that shot)

The jet scraps are actually two old Soviet MiG 21s that the production bought for $5,000.

Meet the Spartans Recap

Jamie

A small army of Spartans battle the fearsome Persians while also waxing poetic about the many short lived cultural touchstones of the mid-2000s that in no way grow old and stale by the minute. Can they manage to shove a whole bunch of dog poo in your face, and I guess also defeat the Persians, before it’s too late? Find out in… Meet the Spartans.

What?! You ever watch 300 and think to yourself that you needed more references to Britney Spears, Kevin Federline, the entire (and now defunct) judges panel from American Idol, Paris Hilton, Shrek, Ghost Rider, Tyra Banks, Happy Feet, Ugly Betty, and some terrible singer named Sanjaya (I don’t even know who that is)? Well boy howdy do I have a film for you. It’s just like 300 in that Leonidus takes a small army to defend Sparta from a large invading force of Persians, but… like… not that anymore because it spends the entire time dropping cultural references, hawking explicit product placements, panicking about being gay, and shoving dog poo in your face. It is… obviously amazing and I loved it. JK, lolz. It’s terrible. Whatever, it’s not even worth talking about the plot. It’s 300… just think of 300.

Why?! Ha! Why? To save Sparta I guess. Otherwise this film serves no purpose other than to exist in the moment. Every joke has a six month half-life maximum, to the point where the funniest aspect of the film is to marvel at just how quickly everything in the film became outdated. Less than a decade later and almost every joke has no meaning today. Do people even know what Ugly Betty is anymore? I hadn’t thought of that TV show in years and yet there she is as the Oracle! A major scene in the film! The only stuff that was disconnected from such references was all the humor derived solely from the idea that the Spartans are secretly gay… which is dated in a different way.

What?! I think I became immune to product placement as a result of the this film. Some are parts of actual jokes, like a Budweiser commercial hilariously claiming that the Spartans are… wait for it… closeted homosexuals. How funny. Others are just our main character munching on a Subway sandwich and exclaiming his distaste for mayonnaise… which I guess is a joke. I’m not sure anymore. In fact, I know longer know what laughter and humor is.

Who?! 100% of the spoofs of celebrity impressions are done by about three actors. The only significant cameo is Method Man, who plays a Persian warrior that gives our “heroes” a run for their money in a dance-off. Nice.

Where?! It’s in the title. While I hate to admit that something could replace my beloved Legend of Hercules on the world mapl.de.map I have to give credit where credit is due: this is a truly terrible film that deserves the spot. A+

When?! Considering Sanjaya was eliminated from American Idol on April 18, 2007 I’m tempted to say that this film takes place about 15 minutes after that. But since the film (kinda) depicts the Battle of Thermopylae I guess it actually takes place in August/September 480 BC. Whatever. D.

The more I type about this film the more I hate it so I’m just going to stop. It is terrible… and yet somehow slightly better than Epic Movie. How is that possible? Well at least there are some jokes (like that the Spartans skip everywhere they go) that at least still are jokes and haven’t crumbled away into insignificant dog poo dust. Patrick?

Patrick

‘Ello everyone? You ever sit quietly and wistfully think of those moments in life where someone pushed dog poo in your face? You don’t? Huh … seems like we just keep on doing it, I was wondering what I was missing. We watched Meet the Spartans which was … let’s get into it!

The Good – Uuuuuh. I think this movie is better than Epic Movie. Only because it has a storyline (the plot of 300) it is trying to faithfully (more or less) follow. The jokes, I think, are worse in many ways, but the structure is more reminiscent of Airplane! and other successful examples from the past, so I think ultimately it works slightly better. It is also, no joke, 60 minutes long. The credits and bloopies are easily 15 minutes of the 87 minute runtime.

P’s View on the Preview – I was mainly interested to see who was in this film, because that is kind of all there is to these types of films. Unless you make a complete mess (Movie 43) the quality is entirely based on the comedic chops available. I basically didn’t recognize anyone in this case, although I vaguely recognized television’s Hercules. It is totally unsurprising that more than a few impressions were done by MadTv alums. Don’t shoot the messenger, but MadTv was terrible.

The Bad – Yeah, bad comedies can often fall into the category of “an extended SNL sketch”, see Deuce Bigelow. This? This is an extended MadTv sketch (heeeeyoooooo). The movie is the story of 300 … with an inordinate number of gay sex, puke, fart, and shit jokes. I laughed zero times. As a matter of fact, this movie sucked some of my joy and laughter from previous films back inside of me, that is how bad and soul destroying it is.

Get Yo Rant On – Many people chose to take exception at the sheer amount of product placement in the film. But me? I’m mostly insulted by the fact that the film barely makes fun of films. At least Epic movie tried to make fun of Lion Witch & the Wardrobe, Superman, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, Pirates of the Caribbean, etc. Here? Reality show spoofs as far as the eye can see. Dancing competitions, American Idol judges, Paris Hilton, etc. Cheap, tired, and now out of date jokes that tear the movie down. There is, I think, a spoof of some American Idol contestant I didn’t even recognize. Just … trash. Pure and simply. Stay in your lane, and leave the reality show spoofs to television shows where they belong. Rant over.

The BMT – Just checkin’ boxes over here, nothing to see. It is the second highest BMeTric likely, so there is cred there. We’ll finish the Friedberg and Seltzer films, it just might take us 10 years.

Welcome to Earf: Meet the Spartans stars Diedrich Bader, who was in The Beverly Hillbillies with Rob Schneider, who was in Grown Ups with Adam Sandler, who was in Jack and Jill with Al Pacino, who was in 88 Minutes with Leelee Sobieski, who was in Here on Earf. Welcome to Earf!

StreetCreditReport.com – A lot of places don’t consider this a film. Not joking, one place said: “This list would most definitely be topped by ‘Meet The Spartans’, ‘Superhero Movie’ and ‘Disaster Movie’ but techniclly [sic] these aren’t films.” It does seem to be covered a bit by Disaster Movie which for whatever reason garners a lot more hatred and, somehow, came out in the same year.

And no homework, thank god, so I’ll leave it there.

Cheerios,

The Sklogs

Meet the Spartans Preview

Fresh off our hike to Spain, Patrick and I are captured by the Absterlutely FerSher Industries goons and thrust into the Amnimals machine. Turns out it was all a ruse (what a twist!) and they didn’t want to help us get the Obsidian Dongle at all! Instead they wanted to hook our super big brains (nbd) into the machine to triangulate the location of the Dongle and grab it for themselves so they can control the world (told you the Obsidian Dongle was rad). “No way!” we say. Time to double cross and grab the Dongle right back. They didn’t count on our ninja skillz as we totally karate chop them in the wrist and get all up in that Dongle business. However, upon fleeing using our jet packs the goons reverse the Amnimals machine to brain drain us! Oh no! We are becoming extra dumb dumbs! As we crash land in Greece we know deep down what we must do with the Obsidian Dongle but keep getting distracted by the dumbest things possible. That’s right! We’re watching Meet the Spartans. Almost certainly one of the dumbest things we’ll ever watch this is also the highest BMeTric scoring films left for BMT and obviously appears on the BMT Calendar. Perfect for our Challenges entry in the cycle. We’ve avoided it for too long. Let’s go!

Meet the Spartans (2008) – BMeTric: 95.9

MeettheSpartans_BMeT

MeettheSpartans_RV

(Even this gets a little bit of that sweet sweet regression to the mean. Given that there are now nearly 100K votes on IMDb I guess it isn’t a surprise that they aren’t all ones and twos. It must get a few threes thrown to it once in a while. This is just a shade below Epic Movie as the worst (best?) BMeTric of all time.)

Leonard Maltin – BOMB – The creators of Date Movie and Epic Movie concocted this moronic, product-placement-laden spoof of the homoeroticism of 300, aimed at adolescent boys. Plot involves King Leonidas of Sparta (Maguire) and his self-adoring, scantily clad warriors as they battle the Persians. Oodles of pop-cultural references are complete duds. Unrated version runs 87m.

(That run time pleases me, as does the kick ass hyphen game from Leonard, and that this is the second BOMB of the cycle. Funny enough looking around I think this is only the second BOMB in something like eight months, although that is slightly less clear. He is certainly precious with them.)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RY-zJtYYolo

(Oooooof the Britney Spears part. That actress plays like four or five different parts and was in over one hundred MadTv episodes (that makes so much sense …). The film looks aggressively dumb and not funny. Why? Why are we doing this?)

Directors – Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer – (Future BMT: Disaster Movie; Date Movie; Vampires Suck; The Starving Games; Best Night Ever; BMT: Epic Movie; Meet the Spartans; Razzie Notes: Nominee for Worst Director in 2009 for Disaster Movie, and Meet the Spartans; and in 2011 for Vampires Suck; and Nominee for Worst Screenplay in 2008 for Epic Movie; in 2009 for Disaster Movie, and Meet the Spartans; and in 2011 for Vampires Suck; Notes: Over a year ago it was rumored that they were working on a Star Wars spoof … I kind of hope it happens. It does have an IMDb page. So I think the title will ultimately change, seems way too close to the movies that Craig Moss produces like this and this.)

Writers – Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer (written by) – (Known For: Scary Movie; Future BMT: Disaster Movie; Date Movie; Vampires Suck; The Starving Games; Scary Movie 4; Scary Movie 2; Spy Hard; Scary Movie 3; Best Night Ever; BMT: Epic Movie; Meet the Spartans; Razzie Notes: Nominee for Worst Director in 2009 for Disaster Movie, and Meet the Spartans; and in 2011 for Vampires Suck; and Nominee for Worst Screenplay in 2008 for Epic Movie; in 2009 for Disaster Movie, and Meet the Spartans; and in 2011 for Vampires Suck; Notes: Recently they’ve been brought up on multiple sites to slam Ready Player One. The comparison is mainly about the sheer amount of product placement they use.)

Actors – Sean Maguire – (Known For: Waterland; The Dukes; BMT: Meet the Spartans; Notes: After this film he turned down Kröd Mändoon and the Flaming Sword of Fire, a British show, because he wanted to be taken more seriously. He reconsidered at the behest of his agent. He played Robin Hood in Once Upon a Time.)

Kevin Sorbo – (Known For: Soul Surfer; Let There Be Light; Future BMT: God’s Not Dead; Bitch Slap; Big Fat Important Movie; Kull the Conqueror; The Kings of Mykonos; BMT: Meet the Spartans; Notes: Hercules. Raised in Minnesota he’s done a number of Christian films recently. He claims he isn’t overly religious, although he endorsed Donald Trump for president saying that “Jesus would have voted for Trump”.)

Carmen Electra – (Known For: Scary Movie; Starsky & Hutch; Get Over It; Mr 3000; I Want Candy; Future BMT: Disaster Movie; Date Movie; Pledge This!; My Boss’s Daughter; Scary Movie 4; Dirty Love; Good Burger; Bedtime Stories; Uptown Girls; Christmas in Wonderland; Full of It; Perfume; The Mating Habits of the Earthbound Human; BMT: Epic Movie; Meet the Spartans; Cheaper by the Dozen 2; Razzie Notes: Winner for Worst Supporting Actress in 2007 for Date Movie, and Scary Movie 4; and Nominee for Worst Supporting Actress in 2005 for Starsky & Hutch; in 2006 for Dirty Love; in 2008 for Epic Movie; and in 2009 for Disaster Movie, and Meet the Spartans; Notes: I knew her mostly from MTV’s Singled Out, but her career is nuts. Fronted for a rap group in LA until being discovered by Prince, then toured with him as his opening act. Ended up getting her big break on Baywatch.)

Budget/Gross – $30 million / Domestic: $38,233,676 (Worldwide: $84,646,831)

(Solid return. Not a surprise they produced a sequel. Oh, what’s that, you think they didn’t make a sequel? Well, at one point a wikipedia page existed for Meet the Spartans 2, which now redirects to Disaster Movie. It is almost definite that they realized that making fun of 300 didn’t work any more so they transitioned the planned sequel into something more fresh. Still, not surprising that they continued on their merry way with the franchise.)

#20 for the Comedy – Spoof genre

meetthespartans_spoof

(This came at a peak for the Friedberg / Seltzer brand of spoof. Subsequently the genre has well and truly died I think. Fifty Shades of Black was the last real example and it made so little money I don’t think the Wayans brothers are going to do anymore. It really depends on how you define things like Popstar: Never Stop Never Stopping. Then again, that didn’t make much money either. Given the success of the Wet Hot American Summer television series, I wonder if we’ll see a few more TV examples in the coming years.)

Rotten Tomatoes – 2% (1/48): A tired, unfunny, offensive waste of time, Meet the Spartans scrapes the bottom of the cinematic barrel.

(Amazing. That one good review basically says “don’t expect much and this isn’t literally the worst thing you’ve ever seen” .. Reviewer Highlight: What’s the point of making a parody that’s dumber than the stuff it parodies? – Gene Seymour, Newsday)

Poster – Meet the Sklogans (F)

meet_the_spartans

(Designed like a heat seeking missile aimed at me not wanting to watch this movie. Nope. Pass.)

Tagline(s) – The Bigger the Hit, The Harder They Fall (C+)

(Oh geez. This is on the level of “From the producers of..” type self-referential taglines that I don’t like. Doesn’t tell me much about the film other than that it is a spoof… which everyone knows. Though it is at least a little clever, so climbs out of the basement.)

Keyword(s) – greece; Top Ten by BMeTric: 95.9 Meet the Spartans (2008); 82.6 The Legend of Hercules (2014); 51.0 Lara Croft Tomb Raider: The Cradle of Life (2003); 49.0 Mortdecai (2015); 48.7 Hercules Reborn (2014); 47.8 Alexander (2004); 41.1 Clash of the Titans (2010); 40.8 Wrath of the Titans (2012); 40.5 Hercules (1983); 40.2 Ben-Hur (2016);

(Sigh nothing will ever beat it. It will be stuck on the Mapstreet’s Map Alright! Sklogpacking Across Europe forever and ever. Good news is Alexander will be amazing to watch I think.)

Notes – Not screened for critics. (duh)

The entire movie was shot in a week. (WHAT)

The film led Sean McGuire to be cast as the title character of the short-lived fantasy comedy series “Krod Mandoon and the Flaming Sword of Fire”, which was discontinued after 1 season due to it’s mixed reviews.

The narrator introduces Xerxes as looking like the fat guy from Borat, he’s played by Ken Davitian who played the fat guy in Borat.

To date (2011), one of two movies written and directed by both Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer, not to have the word “movie” in the title. The other is Vampires Suck (2010).

Nominee for the Razzie Award for Worst Picture

Nominee for the Razzie Award for Worst Supporting Actress (Carmen Electra)

Nominee for the Razzie Award for Worst Prequel, Remake, Rip-Off or Sequel

Nominee for the Razzie Award for Worst Director (Jason Friedberg, Aaron Seltzer)

Nominee for the Razzie Award for Worst Screenplay (Jason Friedberg, Aaron Seltzer)

Assassin’s Creed Recap

Jamie

Cal is a killer given a new lease on life by a company claiming to look for a cure for violence. Through the use of technology his consciousness is transported into the mind of his ancestor in order to find the powerful Apple of Eden. Can he prevent the Apple from falling into the wrong hands before it’s too late? Find out in… Assassin’s Creed.

What?! The Assassin’s Brotherhood is a group sworn to protect the world from the Templars. During the Spanish Inquisition this entails preventing them from recovering what is known as the Apple of Eden, a MacGuffin… I mean, sphere that contains the key to destroying free will and thus subjugating the human race (rad, right?). Cal is descended from these assassins and is rescued from execution by a group called Abstergo in order to find the Apple (extra cool beans). They hook him up to the Animus machine that taps into his assassin genes and relive scenes from his ancestors past (real cool stuff, believe you me). While he struggles with whether to help his captors for the promise of freedom, knowing that they might be evil, he eventually succumbs when it’s revealed that his father, who he witnessed kill his mother, is also held by Abstergo and is an assassin. He’s like “I learned it from you, dad!” and out of spite helps Abstergo discover that the Apple was hidden by none other than Christopher Columbus (badass). They then get the apple and Cal is like “oops, my bad” and quickly turns around and kills the main bad guy and recovers the apple like no big deal (cause he’s a rad, cool, badass assassin destined for several sequels). We then have 15 minutes of credits… not joking, they are actually 15 minutes long. THE END.

Why?! Cal witnessed the murder of his mother by his father as a child and grew up to be a killer himself. So his motivation for much of the movie is to be free so that he might escape what he perceives as cursed genes. This freedom will be granted only if he can deliver the Apple of Eden to Abstergo Industries, so that is what he does. Eventually when he realizes that the Apple of Eden is a MacGuffin that will allow for the Templars to control the world he changes his tune and works against them. That’s the beauty of a MacGuffin. EVERYONE must have it. NO ONE can resist.

What?! This is a truly primo MacGuffin with the Apple of Eden. I mean, it is a total mystery as to what it is, but we do know that the most powerful organization in the world would do anything to get their hands on. To me it sounded like it contained the key to discovering the genetic source to violence in humans (which also is genetically what gives us free will). However, in the video game it sounds more like a piece of the Garden of Eden, which… like… zombifies humans because of the power it holds… or something. It’s hard to explain.

Who?! We get an In Memory Of to Eli Richbourg. He was the VP of Film Development for UbiSoft and was involved in the Assassin’s Creed development. Interestingly he died in 2013 of a brain aneurysm, which gives you a sense of how long the film was in development at UbiSoft.

Where?! It is a very nice Spain movie with settings in both Madrid and Granada. Kinda jumps through hoops to make sure you understand that’s where they are in both the present and past when they very easily could have just obscured it in the beginning. Nope. Very clear and vital to much of the plot. A.

When?! We get an exact date announced for Cal’s date of execution: October 21st, 2016. While this date is not particularly important for the main storyline, the year in the past is 1492. Bet you can’t tell who plays a prominent role in the finale… spoiler alert he directed Home Alone. I say this combines to form a solid A-.

When I started this film I was getting real Transformers vibes. Not the later ones, but the first one and I had a moment where I thought, “wait, could I actually like this?” And then that all fell apart and the movie was straight garbage. It spends way too much time in the present and not enough time in the past and even when they would show you the past you knew it was useless because they more or less told you that Cal couldn’t change anything of the events. So it was like watching someone else watch a movie… cool. This all led to a ridiculously anticlimactic finale that might as well have just had Cal stand in front of the screen and say “I know this is lame, but just you wait for the sequel.” It was terrible… like really, really bad. Although it was pretty at times. Patrick?

Patrick

‘Ello everyone! Assassin’s Creed? More like Assassin’s Crud amirite? Ubisoft thought they could make a movie (how hard could it be?) … turns out they were wrong. Let’s get into it!

The Good – The acting. Fassbender, Cotillard, and Irons all did a great job all things considered. There is something to the underlying story, although it is definitely a video game story through and through, but it is interesting in its own way. I could be beautiful at times, in the same way Warcraft was beautiful at times, although not as much as they seemed to think.

P’s View on the Preview – This film felt like it was going to be much better than the critics gave it credit for. I was convinced that I would watch it and think to myself “I guess at the time people just weren’t ready to give a silly movie a chance like they do comic book movies”. Compared to more recent mediocre responses to such films (Tomb Raider, and Rampage) this was completely destroyed in terms of reviews, and it seemed so unlikely that it was actually that bad.

The Bad – But it was. From the word go the direction was really just not where it needed to be. The story is silly, the acting is very serious, and the direction had to be able to tie those two pieces together … but instead we received bad looking crane shots with CGI dust inserted to obscure the vistas (I need me some goddamn vistas). The scenes in the past were mostly worthless as well. Oh and let’s go ahead an glorify Christopher Columbus, expert genocider and colossal garbage human to end the film … great idea.

Get Yo Rant On – I feel like I’m slowly honing on in my structure much like how Jamie ended up with the 6Ws. Here I think the sklogcabulary quiz, sklogification, sklognalysis will kind of live under the guise of me getting my rant on. We all got to vent. We know that because Bud Light told us so via the 8th wonder of the modern world: the vented beer can. Ahem … You know what I can live with? A terribly contrived and rushed plotline that seems to occur in say … three days. But there is one thing I don’t abide … fake anti-heros (coining it now as the Semi-Hero, Sklogcabulary Quiz mid-rant). Have some balls and make a real anti-hero. Cal is a murderer, great start. But wait! He killed a pimp. Aw guys, it was just a pimp. Wait a tick … why does that matter? Are we supposed to think you are some vigilante hero because you killed a pimp? Give me a break. He has the blood of assassins, he doesn’t need to have some heart of gold so we can root for him. It’s called an anti-hero, not an anti-but-depending-on-how-you-feel-about-vigilante-justice-maybe-a-regular-hero, rant over!

The BMT – Lump it in with Warcraft as a failed video game adaptation of 2016 prior to what has become a kind of rise for the genre in 2018. Sure, Rampage is barely clinging to the somewhat embarrassing distinction of being the first video game film to ever get a 50% or above on Rotten Tomatoes (currently 98-98, exactly 50%), but that is much better than those the came before. Really depends on the director I think … and maybe whether Assassin’s Creed can hold onto that Map Street’s Map Alright! Spain spot.

Welcome to Earf: Assassin’s Creed stars Jeremy Irons who was in Dungeons & Dragons with Marlon Wayans who was in White Chicks with Terry Crews, who was in Blended with Adam Sandler, who was in Jack and Jill with Al Pacino, who was in 88 Minutes with Leelee Sobieski, who was in Here on Earf. Welcome to Earf!

StreetCreditReport.com – Here the film is hidden by two factors. First, it came out on Christmas day of 2016 which means it is somewhat unlikely to make worst of 2016 or 2017 lists, and thus kind of misses out. Second, it tends to be passed over by Warcraft which came out the same year. Critics seemed to not want to throw two video game adaptations in the mix. I don’t think it’ll ever get play though, eventually I think Assassin’s Creed will end up with the (somewhat undeserved) distinction of ushering in a close-and-faithful “realistic” video game film, and could be a pre-Tomb Raider footnote … just feels like it.

I have never played any of these games, but maybe now I will. After a crazy April I’m going to start taking stock of the upcoming movies so I can start doing more of the homework. It feels like I’m letting people down here.

Cheerios,

The Sklogs

Assassin’s Creed Quiz

Shake yourself awake from your Assassin’s Creed induced slumber. Can you remember anything? No? Well don’t worry, you have an Animus that’ll allow you to desperately access the already half-forgotten plot of the film you literally just watched. Do a steroid cycle, lube up those now chiselled abs, it’s time for Pop Quiz Hot Shot!

Pop Quiz Hot Shot

After the opening credits we see Cal (Michael Fassbender’s character) as a child. Where does he live?
We then see Cal now a prisoner on death row. What crime did he commit?
Cal goes into the Animus three times during the film. What three memories (roughly) does he going into from his ancestor Aguilar’s life?
In the film the Marion Cotillard plays the head of the Abstergo Foundation, whereas Jeremy Irons is a high level administrator within the Templars. What is there personal relationship?
Close with an easy one: Ultimately where was the Apple of Eden hidden by Aguilar?

Answers