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Speed 2: Cruise Control Recap

Jamie

Annie is back, Jack! And now she has a new boyfriend, Alex, who is in no way similar to her much more famous ex-boyfriend. They decide to go on a cruise, but uh oh! It gets hijacked by a terrorist hell bent on revenge against the cruise ship navigation company that did him wrong (wait, what?). Can Annie stop him before it’s too late? Find out in Speed 2: Cruise Control.

What?! Annie is still the same old girl we knew and loved from Speed. Can’t drive and is always joking around. Boy oh boy, sure do love Annie from Speed. She has a new boyfriend, Alex, who swears he’s a bike cop but is actually a SWAT team member… just like her last boyfriend. Hmmm, almost as if his role was written for someone else. The discovery of this fact throws their relationship into turmoil and you know what that means: vacay time! They hop on a Caribbean cruise ready for some fun in the sun and that’s pretty much all they get…. besides some light international terrorism! John Geiger, a former programmer for the company that makes the navigation system on the cruise ship, is on board and he’s got an axe to grind. That’s because he got sick and the company was like “no way, we don’t like sick people” and dropped him. He plants all kinds of bombs all over the ship and then takes over controls. He forces the captain to abandon ship, but Annie and Alex have a bad feeling about it and throw his plan into flux by being total bosses. Realizing his plan is going awry at the hands of a super cop, Geiger starts to target Alex and try to take him out. Fat chance, jokester. Alex is totes cool and just as famous and awesome as Keanu Reeves, don’t worry about it. They realize that Geiger is controlling the ship and attempt to flood the ballasts to slow them down. They then try to jam the propellers when they realize that the ship is aimed directly at an oil tanker but Geiger ambushes them and escapes with Annie as a hostage. Desperate, Alex used the bow thrusters to turn the ship away from the tanker and crash it into land. He then hops on a speedboat and chases after Geiger who is attempting to fly away in a plane. Fat chance, sucker. Alex is on your tail and he totally takes him out and smooches Annie. THE END.

Why?! Oh boy, this is going to be good. So, our main man Geiger is totes sick because he worked on computers for the navigation system. The electromagnetic waves and prolonged exposure to computer parts gave him copper poisoning. This turned into some kind of chronic condition so in a very Philadelphia-like scenario he is fired by the company. Unlike Philadelphia, though, Geiger doesn’t aim to remediate this through litigation, but rather by becoming a domestic terrorist that will end with him escaping an exploding cruise ship with millions and millions of dollars in stolen diamonds… the whole thing is crazy and pretty much amazing.

What?! In a shocking twist there is not a MacGuffin in this film. There are a bunch of diamonds but not the MacGuffin’s Jewel or some such that is super valuable. There were a couple different movies shown on screen, which is always fun. We saw both The Enemy Below (another film where a boat crashes into another boat) and Lolita (another film where a grown man has an inappropriate relationship with a young girl). I kid of course, as Alex does not in fact have a relationship with the deaf 14-year-old girl in the film but there were all these weird things in the film that made you think that he might.

Who?! No less than three musicians/bands appear in this film. The smallest part goes to Carlinhos Brown, who performs A Namorada in the film. We also see the band UB40, which performs Tell Me Is It True and has a Speed 2 themed music video:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DIDvcKYjSzU 

Finally we have the mononymous Tamia who actually appeared in the film as the character Sheri Silver and performed Make Tonight Beautiful… it was her only feature film role ever.

Where?! I thought for a while we would have a vague “Caribbean” setting, but fortunately near the end it’s revealed that the ultimate target of Geiger is the island of Saint Martin where the tanker is docked. Not even the first film we’ve seen set there. The island was also the setting of Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales.

When?! Buckle your seatbelts because this is my favorite temporal setting of all time. That’s because Geiger gets his bombs on board disguised as golf balls. When the cruise temporarily loses his clubs he is freaking out. Alex and Annie see this and are totally confused and a little suspicious when then this apparent golf nut has no interest in The Players Championship at Sawgrass. This would place the events of the film at the end of March… it’s just so good. It’s so randomly vital to the plot. I’m giving it an A-.

This may in fact be the lamest film ever. It’s sooooo 90’s and has like 3 different smooth R&B/Ska bands that play in the beginning of the film. Jason Patric may not have been wearing mom jeans in reality, but I pretty much remember him that way because this film was so lame. I feel like someone made it as a joke… but I don’t think they did. I just think they didn’t really know what made Speed such a success (or didn’t care) so they just made something dumb because they had to make something. Should I even talk about the strange Lolita storyline they had in the film? Nah, I could write a novel about that storyline because it’s bonkers. Patrick?

Patrick

‘Ello everyone! Speed 2: Cruise Control? More like Speed 2: Snooze Control amirite? A bunch of people unwisely signed a contract promising a sequel to the smash action hit Speed. Now, I’m not saying they intentionally botched it, but … let’s get into it!

The Good – There is a kernel of a good movie here (see Get Yo Rant On below). Sandy Bullock is as charming and beautiful as ever. Dafoe knows what he’s gotten himself into and acts accordingly. The grand island-crushing finale is satisfyingly grand, even though these days you’d be able to do the same thing for pennies on the dollar using special effects.

P’s View on the Preview – We had both seen this film before (many times in bits and pieces over the years on cable as well). Re-watching films has, up until recently, been a very rare occurrence. I was immediately interested in knowing how BMT would hold up in the face of these prior experiences. Would it end up being kind of boring as I know the beats of the film (which has happened with one or two of the Hall of Fame films), or would the non-stop pulse-pounding Jason Patric action take (cruise) control.

The Bad – This film is straight up nonsense. Dafoe has copper poisoning from working with computer systems for years? He uses leeches to clean his blood? His plan is to steal a bunch of diamonds from a cruise ship? Did he intend to crash it into an oil tanker? Why didn’t Jason Patric turn the boat completely around when they were manually steering it with the bow thrusters? Why didn’t they manually steer the boat initially instead of trying to stop the propellers? What was the point of Bullock or any of the other non-essential characters? Are we to believe the same person who had his car commandeered and crashed in Speed lives in Saint Martin and then also gets his boat commandeered and crashed in Speed 2?! Forget all of the other questions, I’m most concerned about the last one, the man only known as … Tune Man.

Get Yo Rant On – This movie could have been a fine Die Hard knockoff. A couple, a cop who can’t relax and his straight talking girlfriend, go on a cruise. He plans on proposing, but can’t find the right time. During the ballroom show one night the cop gets seasick and goes to his cabin. At that moment a group of criminals take control of the boat. Under the guise of eco terrorists hell bent on crashing the (diesel guzzling) ship into a (environment destroying) tourist island, they are actually after the diamonds stored deep in the belly of the ship. Little to they know that our hero, overlooked initially, is roaming the ocean liner foiling their every move. Can the cop stop the disaster, kill the bad guy, and pop the question? Don’t you know it! All aboard, Cruise Control!

Welcome to Earth – Straight off the dome, this is a long one! Sandy Bullock is in both Speed 2: Cruise Control and Miss Congeniality, which stars Benjamin Bratt who is also in Catwoman, which stars Halle Berry who is also in Swordfish, which stars John Travolta (who by the way is in Battlefield Earth, welcome to Earf) who is also in Old Dogs, which stars Robin Williams who is also in Big Wedding, which stars Robert De Niro who is also in Righteous Kill, which stars Al Pacino who is also in 88 Minutes, which stars Leelee Sobieski who is also in Here on Earth. Welcome to Earf!

The BMT – The more I think about this film the more enamored I become. The initial watch was just kind of blah. It is pretty dull if you don’t psych yourself into it. But after a lengthy discussion with Jamie about it I came around a bit just because the film itself is so ludicrous. Absolutely nothing in this film makes sense, and it is kind of beautiful. I don’t know if it’ll end up being much more than a I’ve-seen-this-film-a-few-times-and-it-is-dumb-fun film, but I wouldn’t not watch it again if asked. It’s legacy, I think, might end up being that it is the worst sequel ever made and thus was required viewing for any good Bad Movie Twin.

StreetCreditReport.com – This is considered one of the worst films ever made. It is number two on this list for the worst of the 90s! And number twenty on this other one. It is number one on the worst sequels ever made list! Amazingly we’ve only seen 20 of those 50, some outside of BMT even. It mainly gets play on worst of sequels lists, which I think is fair. It is very arguably this is the worst sequel ever made.

Did I re-watch Speed? No, I watched it about a month ago randomly anyways, so it was fresh enough in my mind that I could pull refs like Tune Man on the fly. No regrets. Speed is a good movie, but, in my opinion, it is not a great movie. The last third sinks it hard. You end up wanting to shut it off once they get off of the bus.

Cheerios,

The Sklogs

Speed 2: Cruise Control Quiz

Speed is so classic it was where the name of this quiz is from. Speed 2 took that formula … subtracted Keanu … and put it on a ship … Do you remember anything about this film? Neither does the producer who was probably high on cocaine the entire time!

Pop Quiz Hot Shot!

1) Start with a crazy one, no way you can get this, but Willem Dafoe says the name of the cruise liner they are on multiple times in this film … do you remember the name of the ship?

2) Why does Jason Patric know sign language? Quite handy for communicating with a deaf 14 year old on the ship, and doesn’t make him at all look like a Creepy McCreepster.

3) During the course of the film you see people watching two other films within the film. Name at least one of these films.

4) Why does Willem Dafoe have so many cute leech pets in his cabin?

5) Besides the fact that he is macking the mack with Sandy B, what else makes Jason Patric suspicious of Willem Dafoe’s character right off the bat?

Answers

Speed 2: Cruise Control Preview

We sit on our perch, chilling with the night security guard, Ed, while he protects the Ivory Socket. We discuss at length his hopes and dreams. His passions, his loves and his greatest fears. He asks if we would like a cracker. Ed, you devil, you always know just what would hit the spot. As we munch on our crackers Ed asks us when we plan to steal the Socket. We freeze… cracker crumbs spilling down out parrot costumes. How did he know? Of course, he always knew (the devil), for we are full grown adult humans in parrot costumes. But he enjoyed our company and thought he’d delay our arrest for as long as he could. Today was supposed to be the day he finally turned us in, but he just can’t. We’ve changed his life (and honestly, Ed has changed ours too). He hands us the Ivory Socket and tells us to go, throwing rocks at us to goad us on. “I never even liked you stupid birds!” He screams with tears streaming down his face and we squawk our way out of the Royal Library. When we attempt to use the Socket to destroy the Dongle we find it’s port jammed with a note. “Before you make two pieces one, a sacred liquid must be found. Venture to the isle of sun, and find it deep within the ground.” Wait… another MacGuffin? Or is the Socket still the only MacGuffin and the sacred liquid is like… part of it that helps power it? Regardless, the riddle is trash (suspiciously so, hmmmmmm) and obviously points to the Isla del Sol in Bolivia. Time to catch a boat and get some R&R on a relaxing cruise where nothing super crazy should happen along the way. That’s right! We’re watching Speed 2: Cruise Control. This is one of the most critically reviled sequels in film history with an well deserved place on our Calendar. We’ve obviously seen it before, but probably not since its release so I remember almost none of it. Let’s go!

Speed 2: Cruise Control (1997) – BMeTric: 89.5

(Notorious, but I think it gets a bit of a pass as an action film with a charming and still-loved lead in Bullock. It’ll rise steadily with more votes, although I’m not sure it’ll ever actually get to 4.0 … I mean, it would need people to give it a 5/10 at least … are people giving Speed 2 ratings of 5 or above? That would be crazy.)

Leonard Maltin – BOMB – Mind-numbingly stupid action yarn opens with a chase scene that makes no sense, and never improves. Bullock (whose character here is especially annoying) agrees to go on a Caribbean cruise with boyfriend Patric, an L.A.P.D. officer. When a madman Dafoe takes control of the ship, Patric feels it’s his duty to try and stop him. Did anyone read the script before signing on for this one?

(Keanu Reeves did. That’s why he then skipped out on it. The director had to do it, and I think Bullock was at an early point in here career where she still needed the job/money. Patric … well this kind of derailed whatever career he had I think, so yeah, he should have thought this guy through.)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SVsHrIEIlbs

(My word. Loud, choppy cuts, one liners out the wazoo. C’mon now, this is going to be amazing. Dafoe is also just completely ridiculous as well. Get hyped.)

Directors – Jan de Bont – (Known For: Twister; Speed; Future BMT: Lara Croft Tomb Raider: The Cradle of Life; BMT: Speed 2: Cruise Control; The Haunting; Razzie Notes: Nominee for Worst Director in 1998 for Speed 2: Cruise Control; and in 2000 for The Haunting; and Nominee for Worst Screenplay for Speed 2: Cruise Control in 1998; Notes: There is very little explanation as to why he basically retired after Lara Croft 2. He was a cinematographer for years before becoming, briefly, one of the most in demand action directors of the late 90s.)

Writers – Graham Yost (characters) – (Known For: Speed; Broken Arrow; The Last Castle; Future BMT: Mission to Mars; BMT: Speed 2: Cruise Control; Hard Rain; Notes: Writes and produces television now. Only credited because he wrote the original Speed screenplay.)

Jan de Bont (story) – (BMT: Speed 2: Cruise Control; Razzie Notes: Nominee for Worst Director in 1998 for Speed 2: Cruise Control; and in 2000 for The Haunting; and Nominee for Worst Screenplay for Speed 2: Cruise Control in 1998; Notes: The only film he has a story credit for, presumably because it is based off of a dream he had (? Read the notes below).)

Randall McCormick (story & screenplay) – (Known For: Titan A.E.; BMT: Speed 2: Cruise Control; Razzie Notes: Nominee for Worst Screenplay for Speed 2: Cruise Control in 1998; Notes: This was his first screenplay after getting the Nicholl Fellowship in Screenwriting from the Academy of Motion Picture Arts & Sciences.)

Jeff Nathanson (screenplay) – (Known For: Catch Me If You Can; Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull; The Terminal; Rush Hour 2; Tower Heist; The Last Shot; Future BMT: Rush Hour 3; New York, I Love You; BMT: Speed 2: Cruise Control; Pirates of the Caribbean: Salazar’s Revenge; Razzie Notes: Nominee for Worst Screenplay for Speed 2: Cruise Control in 1998; Notes: Apparently was an uncredited screenwriter on Twister (also directed by de Bont) along with Joss Whedon, which I imagine is how he got attached to this film. Is somewhat famous for uncredited rewrites of many notable projects.)

Actors – Sandra Bullock – (Known For: Ocean’s Eight; The Proposal; Gravity; Crash; Minions; The Heat; Miss Congeniality; Speed; While You Were Sleeping; The Prince of Egypt; A Time to Kill; Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close; Two Weeks Notice; Forces of Nature; The Vanishing; The Thing Called Love; Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood; Infamous; Wrestling Ernest Hemingway; Future BMT: Premonition; Love Potion No. 9; The Net; Stolen Hearts; Hope Floats; 28 Days; Murder by Numbers; Gun Shy; Practical Magic; Our Brand Is Crisis; Loverboy; In Love and War; BMT: Speed 2: Cruise Control; All About Steve; Miss Congeniality 2: Armed & Fabulous; Demolition Man; The Lake House; Razzie Notes: Winner for Worst Actress, Worst Actress, and Worst Screen Couple for All About Steve in 2010; Nominee for Worst Actress, and Worst Screen Couple for Speed 2: Cruise Control in 1998; and Nominee for Worst Supporting Actress for Demolition Man in 1994; Notes: She’s opened up recently about sexism and other tough subjects in Hollywood. But she does give a good shout out to de Bont whom she credits with giving her her big break when no one else would.)

Jason Patric – (Known For: The Yellow Birds; The Lost Boys; Sleepers; The Losers; My Sister’s Keeper; In the Valley of Elah; Rush; Narc; Geronimo: An American Legend; The Confines; Roger Corman’s Frankenstein Unbound; Your Friends & Neighbors; After Dark, My Sweet; The Journey of August King; Keyhole; Expired; Three Days of Rain; Future BMT: The Prince; Cavemen; The Outsider; The Alamo; Downloading Nancy; BMT: Speed 2: Cruise Control; Solarbabies; Razzie Notes: Nominee for Worst Screen Couple for Speed 2: Cruise Control in 1998; Notes: Was a sort of child actor in things like Solarbabies. His father was nominated for an Oscar for The Exorcist.)

Willem Dafoe – (Known For: Murder on the Orient Express; John Wick; Finding Nemo; Spider-Man 3; The Florida Project; What Happened to Monday; The Grand Budapest Hotel; Spider-Man; Finding Dory; American Psycho; Platoon; The Fault in our Stars; Inside Man; Spider-Man 2; Death Note; John Carter; Fantastic Mr. Fox; The Aviator; Antichrist; The English Patient; Future BMT: New Rose Hotel; Anamorph; Cirque du Freak: The Vampire’s Assistant; The Great Wall; Tomorrow You’re Gone; Flight of the Intruder; The Boondock Saints II: All Saints Day; Jiminy Glick in Lalawood; Fireflies in the Garden; Lulu on the Bridge; A Family Man; Adam Resurrected; The Reckoning; Miral; Odd Thomas; BMT: Speed 2: Cruise Control; xXx²: The Next Level; Body of Evidence; Razzie Notes: Nominee for Worst Actor for Body of Evidence in 1994; and Nominee for Worst Supporting Actor for Speed 2: Cruise Control in 1998; Notes: He’s playing the villain in the upcoming Aquaman film. There are tons of rumors about him as the Joker as well, although that obviously seems pretty unlikely … since he’s the villain in Aquaman.)

Budget/Gross – $110 million (official) $135–160 million (estimated) / Domestic: $48,608,066 (Worldwide: $164,508,066)

(That is pretty catastrophic. Ultimately that is likely in the $30-50 million write off range if my admittedly amateur box office math works correctly. Although, this movie was a pretty long time ago so who knows how this all worked back then.)

Rotten Tomatoes – 3% (2/69): Speed 2 falls far short of its predecessor, thanks to laughable dialogue, thin characterization, unsurprisingly familiar plot devices, and action sequences that fail to generate any excitement.

(One of the worst reviewed films ever I would presume, 3% is quite low. Given the first has a RT score above 95% this also certainly qualifies as one of the worst sequels of all time (if not the worst sequel ever made). Reviewer Highlight: An ear-splitting amusement-park attraction posing as a movie. – Jamie Bernard, New York Daily News)

Poster – Speed 2: Sklog Control (D)

(Wow. A true tragedy nearly on the level of 1998’s The Avengers, which has become my watermark for how bad a poster can be. Look at those two electric colors and… like, rain or something across everything. Truly misguided. Does have unique font though and it’s not super cluttered like some posters can be, so just above the bottom of the barrel.)

Tagline(s) – Rush hour hits the water. (D+)

(Ha! For some reason this is very amusing to me. The idea that this would deal with some kind of boat traffic or whatever. It’s got fine construction, but is just so stupid that it’s funny.)

Keyword(s) – time bomb; Top Ten by BMeTric: 90.2 Alone in the Dark (2005); 89.5 Speed 2: Cruise Control (1997); 88.6 Street Fighter (1994); 85.4 Spice World (1997); 83.6 RoboCop 3 (1993); 78.9 Torque (2004); 78.0 Universal Soldier: The Return (1999); 70.3 On Deadly Ground (1994); 68.2 Double Team (1997); 64.4 Fair Game (1995);

(Awesome. We do have to go back and smash Street Fighter at one point. We stupidly didn’t do it when we did Legend of Chun Li or again when we inducted that into the Hall of Fame. Although that would have required a outside of the box Bonus, which we’ve never done … this is some pretty niche BMT behind the scenes talk)

Movie Stub – Speed 2: Cruise Control (GA-class) – Look at this beauty. There isn’t much in the talk page, although there is a pretty thorough review commentary which I plan on looking at as some point. No specific public notes on improvements, nor do I think it needs any, so I’ll leave it be for now.

Notes – The original script was intended to be the third film in the “Die Hard” series. After the success of the first film though, the script was reworked into a Speed sequel instead. (Huh. Vengeance is a much better idea for that (and Vengeance’s script was supposed to be a Lethal Weapon sequel)).

In a 2000 interview, Sandra Bullock jokingly referred to this movie as “the biggest piece of crap ever made.” (Not really, but it isn’t great)

Gary Oldman turned down the role of the villain, and instead chose to make Air Force One (1997). (Great choice)

Although the movie was close to being universally panned by film critics, Roger Ebert and Gene Siskel were among the very few critics to give the movie a positive review. Before his death, Ebert stated that this was the review he had to defend more than any other he had written, and that it was the one most often cited as an example of him being a poor film critic. (Ebert was a rare critic who could make a convincing argument for “it’s good for what it is”. It worked for him because he rarely deployed it for really dire films and also didn’t tend to bump films up that much using the excuse. It is understandable he’d be criticized here though, it is quite a leap to call this movie anything but garbage IMO)

Keanu Reeves turned down the movie to go on tour with his band Dogstar. (FAKE NEWS. According to Keanu. See the note below)

Matthew McConaughey was one of the male stars considered once Keanu Reeves bailed. (Would have been 1000x better. Sorry Jason)

Sandra Bullock’s character Annie was not given a last name at all in Speed (1994). movie. Here, it is revealed to be Porter. (Coooool)

Sandra Bullock agreed to star in this film in order to get financing for her pet project Hope Floats (1998). (Get yo money Sandra)

Jason Patric only agreed to make the film contingent on some major script changes being made. However, when he eventually arrived onset three months later, he found that the script hadn’t changed at all and he was contractually obligated to make the film. He found the whole experience to be thoroughly miserable and depressing. (Awwwww)

Susan Barnes plays Constance in this film. In the first Speed film, she plays the frozen-in-fear female executive who is the last one out of the perilous elevator. In this film, her character is seen calmly sitting down smoking while being trapped among others in a life-threatening situation. This may allude to her character’s survival from the first film. She is one of four people to appear in both films. (Nooooooo)

Jon Bon Jovi, ‘Patrick Muldoon’, and Christian Slater were also considered for the male lead. (Jon Bon Jovi might have worked, especially if they recast Bullock as well)

The oil tanker bears the name “Eindhoven”, the Dutch hometown of director Jan de Bont. (ooooo fun fact)

The device labeled “Fiber Optic Converter” used by the hacker is really a mechanical KVM switch (a device used to operate several PCs with one set of keyboard, mouse and monitor). (Who knows these kinds of things?)

Keanu Reeves passed on the role to star in the horror film The Devil’s Advocate (1997), which was filmed at the same time as Speed 2, and subsequently toured with his band, Dogstar. Reeves said that Fox was “furious” with his decision and released “propaganda” against him, falsely claiming that he turned down the role to tour with his band.

The sequence where the Seabourn Legend rams into port was, at the time, the most expensive stunt ever filmed, accounting for $25,000,000 of the film’s $110,000,000 budget. (holy shit)

Director Jan de Bont initially felt that Speed (1994) had no sequel potential, but he was contractually obliged to direct a sequel when it was green-lit after the success of the first movie. Many ideas were pitched, including a plane which cannot ascend above a certain altitude without exploding. Finally, de Bont used an idea of his own after he had recurrent nightmares about a cruise ship crashing into an island. (Oooof. The airplane idea is much better. Should have also recast once Keanu dropped, would have made it a bit more believable maybe.)

When Annie is retaking her driving test at the end of the film, a bus identical to the one in the original Speed passes by on the highway. Annie notes to her instructor about the bus “going way too fast”.

When the oil tanker explodes, what looks like a cow can be seen flying out with the rest of the debris from the tanker, possibly a reference to the flying cow from Twister (1996). (Noooooooo)

A total of 3 different ships were used in this film: Seaborn Legend (actual cruise liner; used for most exterior shots of the ship) “Bridge Ship” (Sturgeon Atlantic freighter ship built with a false hull and bridge; used for bridge scenes and the boat crashes in the marina) “Rail Ship” (false hull built on an underwater rail; used for the island crash finale scene). All other shots of the ship were complete computer graphic effects. (Super interesting. This is what I live for)

Awards – Winner for the Razzie Award for Worst Remake or Sequel (1998)

Nominee for the Razzie Award for Worst Picture (Jan de Bont, 1998)

Nominee for the Razzie Award for Worst Actress (Sandra Bullock, 1998)

Nominee for the Razzie Award for Worst Screen Couple (Sandra Bullock, Jason Patric, 1998)

Nominee for the Razzie Award for Worst Supporting Actor (Willem Dafoe, 1998)

Nominee for the Razzie Award for Worst Director (Jan de Bont, 1998)

Nominee for the Razzie Award for Worst Screenplay (Randall McCormick, Jeff Nathanson, Jan de Bont, 1998)

Nominee for the Razzie Award for Worst Original Song (1998)

Little Man Recap

Jamie

Calvin, a little person and criminal, and his partner in crime, Percy, steal a diamond but have it accidentally fall into the hands of a couple struggling with the idea of having kids. Calvin dresses up as a baby to infiltrate their house and get it back. Will he get the diamond (and perhaps change their lives for the better) before it’s too late? Find out in… Little Man.

What?! Calvin is a thief ready to get back in the game after serving some time in jail. His idiot partner picks him up with news that they already have a new gig: steal a giant diamond from a jewelry store. For some reason Calvin is under the impression that if you use guns or weapons to perform a heist that that somehow prevents you from going to jail… which is interesting considering he would clearly be on probation. So they pull off a clever little gambit to get the diamond but have to evade the police when their getaway goes wrong. During this evasion Calvin drops the diamond into the purse of Vanessa, who is struggling with the idea of having a baby with her husband Darryl. She wants to pursue a career while he… just wants to have a baby or something. I don’t know. It’s dumb. Anyway, because Calvin doesn’t want to use a weapon he decides to get the diamond back by pretending to be a baby dropped at Vanessa and Daryll’s doorstep. This of course leads to all kinds of antics like: making Vanessa’s father seem crazy, going to the park where toys fly into Daryll’s crotch, sexually assaulting several women, going to a hockey game, … what’s that? Did I say sexually assaulting several women? Why yes I did. That’s because Calvin is not just a thief but a sex criminal who literally gropes ladies in the guise of being a baby… it is unfortunate. Anyway, in the end the gangsters who hired Calvin for the heist come to get the diamond where Calvin basically Home Alones the shit out of them leading to their arrest. Despite Calvin’s criminal behavior through this whole adventure Darryl and Vanessa somehow because best friends with him. THE END.

Why?! Why indeed. Calvin just wants to get back in the game and stealing the diamond is part of that. They have to stretch a little to have Calvin not just want to steal the diamond from these people through force, but rather through an elaborate trick. In the end though we realize that all Calvin really wanted was a father figure in his life. Awwwwwwww. Darryl just wants a baby and so does Vanessa (though she doesn’t realize it yet).

What?! I’m actually a little surprised there wasn’t more product placement in the film. Some products in stores and some cereal boxes and stuff, but that’s about it. Instead I’ll highlight some prop work with the hockey game Darryl and Calvin attend. Obviously couldn’t be a real Blackhawks game so instead it seems to be some minor league event with the Chicago Chiefs (clever) and the Detroit Chargers. Oooo. Big rivalry.

Who?! Rob Schneider has an uncredited cameo as a television dinosaur, which is appropriate for one of the worst movies I’ve ever seen. Even more interesting is that there is a “In memory” credit at the end of the film for Arja Hannele “Honey” Lanning. I looked everywhere trying to figure out who this was eventually finding that she was a swim teacher in the LA area that apparently taught Keenan Ivory Wayans’ kids how to swim. She must have been a great swim teacher to get a credit at the end of a major motion picture.

Where?! Illinois license plates everywhere and they go to that Chicago hockey game late in the film. Sports events in films are truly special. Sometimes you get an actual arena or set of athlete’s getting a cameo. And sometimes you get them making up teams so they can keep the budget down. Both are great. C+.

When?! I’ve been slacking on trying to get these exact dates recently. I blame the films. They should be more clear on when things take place. Or better yet just set every film during a holiday. They go to a hockey game and yet are enjoying fun outside in Illinois? Probably Spring some time. F.

There was a legit argument whether this was worse than Strange Wilderness… which is quite something considering its place in BMT lore. This movie is unbelievable. It’s unbelievably offensive, unbelievably stupid, and unbelievably dog poo in our faces. Made all the more unbelievable by the fact that it followed up White Chicks, which we actually enjoyed! They went from a film where Marlon must fend off the advanced of a sexual predator, to being the sexual predator himself. It was horrible and I hated it. Patrick?

Patrick

‘Ello everyone! Little Man? More like “Stop slowly pushing dog poo in my face, man!” This was one of the worst comedies I’ve ever seen, but was it the worst? Read all about this catastrophe and find out. Let’s go!

The Good – Sigh. If I lived in an alternative universe where getting dog crap pushed into my face was good then I would have plenty to say. I do not.

P’s View on the Preview – This was a Wayans brothers productions (perhaps the last major Wayans brothers production) through and through. Out of the 7 entries in the director/writer/actor section of the preview, 6 were taken up by Shawn, Marlon, and Keenan Ivory Wayans. Having watched White Chicks which, while a terrible film, was incredibly amusing by how monstrous the makeup on Shawn and Marlon Wayans looked, there were obvious high hopes at BMT HQ. Were our hopes misplaced? … of course they were, this movie is dogshit.

The Bad – You know what was most surprising about this movie to me? How ill-prepared I was for it. I was not prepared for a Norbit, I was amped for a White Chicks. Norbit is a catastrophe because it makes light of spousal abuse and makes you sad throughout. Little Man makes light of sexual assault and makes you sad throughout. You are supposed to find people treating a grown adult as a baby, and that grown adult groping women indiscriminantly, funny … I do not. It upsets me. Whether this film is better or worse than Norbit is up for debate. I do think this is one of the worst comedies I’ve ever seen in my life … and I liked White Chicks reasonably well! I liked Haunted House reasonably well! I was ill-prepared, and that is on me. I should have been ready for the 96 mph fastball of dog poo in my face.

Get Yo Rant On – It is weird to rant on this since the rant is above. But let’s just discuss the CGI in this film for a second. It looks awful much of the time. And, to bring it back to Norbit once again, if you’ve never seen Norbit you might want to watch a second of it just to see the amazing makeup work in it. JUST LOOK AT THIS AMAZING FAT SUIT:

Someday I hope there will be an absolutely atrocious film that has an incredible CGI baby which wins the Best Visual Effects Academy Award just so people can make fun of the Oscars without realizing that sometimes even bad movies can do something right. Little Man? It did nothing right. Its CGI is terrible.

Welcome to Earf – Easy enough. Marlon Wayans is in Little Man and White Chicks with Terry Crews, who was in Blended with Adam Sandler, who was in Jack and Jill with Al Pacino, who was in 88 Minutes with Leelee Sobieski, who was in Here on Earth. Welcome to Earf!

The BMT – Legendary, but not in a good way. Like … We occasionally induct movies like Strange Wilderness or Norbit into the Hall of Fame because of just how unpleasant they are to watch. Those are probably the two worst comedies I’ve ever seen. I think I can add Little Man as a solid number three (possibly, I would have to mull it over). And that is some distinguished company. I don’t think it’ll end up doing much beyond winning the Worst Viewing Experience Smaddies Baddie by a landslide, but maybe in five years we’ll think to ourselves “huh, I kind of want to experience the extremely unfunny and unpleasant Little Man again” and induct it. In five years we’ll be totally different people.

StreetCreditReport.com – I am genuinely shocked that this isn’t on the Worst Films Ever wiki as a removed film. I’m not surprised it isn’t on the main page, but I am a bit surprised someone didn’t throw a flier out on this piece of garbage at some point. Strangely there aren’t many articles about the worst films of 2006. There is this blog which explains my feelings pretty well. I’m annoyed by the lack of 2006 lists though since I’m sure this would be in the top three on most of them.

No homework (unless you count me watching 5 minutes of that Little Rascals short from the preview … movies were weird in the 30s), so I’ll leave it there.

Cheerios,

The Sklogs

Little Man Quiz

Calvin is just trying to recover a diamond he stole for his employer. Darryl just wants to be a father. You watched the heartfelt comedy Little Man and against all odds you haven’t scratched your own eyes out, so let’s take a quiz!

Pop Quiz Hot Shot!

1) Calvin and Percy are hired by some evildoers to steal an enormous diamond from the jewellery store, which they are somehow amazing at doing. But what foils their escape?

2) Calvin pretends to be an abandoned baby on Darryl’s doorstep, unfortunately CPS is closed for the weekend! Better take Calvin immediately to a pediatrician. What are the three tip-offs that Calvin is grown adult that the doctor somehow dismisses?

3) After Calvin steals Darryl’s car and leads the police on a high speed chase resulting in Darryl’s car getting totalled … Darryl decides he still wants to go to the hockey game with the boys (as a normal adult person would do after their child is kidnapped and is involved in a car accident). They live in Chicago, which city is their team playing that night?

4) At the aforementioned hockey game Calvin swallows the enormous diamond in order to later pass it and recover it for the mob bosses he stole it for. Unfortunately this diamond instead just stops Calvin up. What is the remedy to this problem?

5) Finally, how much were Percy and Calvin supposed to be paid for stealing the diamond? How much does Darryl ultimately get as a reward from the insurance company for its recovery?

Answers

Little Man Preview

Having taken the studio note to heart regarding our script for Rich & Poe, we write a 25-minute climactic sex scene between Rich and a cartoon. This proves the key to wild success as the film opens to a boffo $450 million box office haul with headlines across the world exclaiming “Film features man having sex with cartoon!” We return triumphantly to purchase the Obsidian Dongle back from the beautiful Bosnian warlord and once it’s back in our possession we feel the Dongle’s power. It must be destroyed. We head to our local public library to research how we might accomplish such a feat and stumble across an ancient scroll. It reads: “The fated twins are ones that hold, the power to the Dongle’s fate. Only those most brave and bold, can find the Dongle’s ivory mate.” Of course! Like the Bad Movie Twins themselves, the Dongle is one of a pair. There is a yin to its yang. An Ivory Socket to its Obsidian Dongle! All of a sudden a little old library lady appears “Ah yes, the Ivory Socket. Legend says it is in Thailand hidden within the Royal Library, guarded by the ancient Order of the Librarians. But be careful Bad Movie Twins, only those pure of heart can use the power of the Ivory Socket to destroy the Obsidian Dongle.” With that the librarian is gone. “How convenient, that librarian sure knew a lot about us and what we were looking for … welp, let’s go!” We head to Thailand to case the joint and overhear the night security guard explain how much he would enjoy a parrot friend to keep him company while guarding the relic. Time to dust off our parrot costumes and put these bird-like features to good use, because we’re going undercover. That’s right! We’re watching Little Man, the Wayans brothers’ follow-up to White Chicks about a very tiny thief pretending to be a baby… you had me at “follow-up to White Chicks.” Let’s go!

Little Man (2006) – BMeTric: 80.2

(You know … the rise here shouldn’t surprise me, but it kind of does. This is a notoriously bad film. A film that people should be seeking out and watching because it is bad. And so the terrible sub-4.0 rating should have stuck I think. After 2008 even it has increased by over a full rating though. It is a little strange. Out of the norm for such a terrible film I feel like. 80+ BMeTric though, can’t argue with that.)

Leonard Maltin – BOMB – Diminutive criminal drops a stolen diamond in a woman’s purse and is forced to disguise himself as a baby left on her doorstep to get it back. Idiotic gags involving breastfeeding, anal thermometers, and dirty diapers ensue. A running joke in which “the baby” molests unsuspecting women is particularly offensive. The three Wayans who wrote this admit they were inspired by the Bugs Bunny cartoon “Baby Bugs Bunny” – which is funnier (and shorter). See also the Our Gang comedy “Free Eats.” Rob Schneider appears unbilled.

(I swear to god if this gets anything other that a BOMB by Leonard … oh thank god. The only surprising and interesting thing about this review is how casually he drops the Our Gang reference … might have to check that out now. Ah sheeeet, it’s free online: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lh3rqi2NkC4)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lh3rqi2NkC4

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x9STUnqrE_c

(The music in this film is going to be off the chain. Oh and the number of sexual assault and rape joke in THE TRAILER … this is like Norbit levels of uncomfortable. I know it.)

Directors – Keenen Ivory Wayans – (Known For: Scary Movie; I’m Gonna Git You Sucka; Future BMT: Scary Movie 2; A Low Down Dirty Shame; BMT: Little Man; White Chicks; Razzie Notes: Nominee for Worst Director, and Worst Screenplay for Little Man in 2007; and Nominee for Worst Director, and Worst Screenplay for White Chicks in 2005; Notes: We’ve seen Scary Movie 2 actually (it just didn’t get a write up), which means we’ve almost completed the Keenen Ivory Wayans BMT slate.)

Writers – Keenen Ivory Wayans (written by) – (Known For: I’m Gonna Git You Sucka; Hollywood Shuffle; Future BMT: Dance Flick; Most Wanted; A Low Down Dirty Shame; BMT: Little Man; White Chicks; Razzie Notes: Nominee for Worst Director, and Worst Screenplay for Little Man in 2007; and Nominee for Worst Director, and Worst Screenplay for White Chicks in 2005; Notes: The eldest of the ten Wayans siblings. The Wayans brothers are probably most famous for In Living Color, which now does comedy tours as well.)

Shawn Wayans (written by) – (Known For: Scary Movie; Future BMT: Dance Flick; Scary Movie 4; Scary Movie 2; Scary Movie 3; Don’t Be a Menace to South Central While Drinking Your Juice in the Hood; BMT: Little Man; White Chicks; Razzie Notes: Winner for Worst Actor, and Worst Screen Couple for Little Man in 2007; Nominee for Worst Screenplay in 2005 for White Chicks; and in 2007 for Little Man; and Nominee for Worst Actress, and Worst Screen Couple for White Chicks in 2005; Notes: It seems like he’s basically retired (beyond deejaying, see below). As a matter of fact his entire family is semi-retired outside of television it feels like. It is weird to think his nephew Damon Wayans Jr. is probably the most famous Wayans at this point.)

Marlon Wayans (written by) – (Known For: Scary Movie; Future BMT: Dance Flick; Scary Movie 4; Scary Movie 2; Scary Movie 3; Naked; Don’t Be a Menace to South Central While Drinking Your Juice in the Hood; BMT: Little Man; Fifty Shades of Black; A Haunted House 2; A Haunted House; White Chicks; Razzie Notes: Winner for Worst Actor, and Worst Screen Couple for Little Man in 2007; Nominee for Worst Screenplay in 2005 for White Chicks; and in 2007 for Little Man; Nominee for Worst Actress, and Worst Screen Couple for White Chicks in 2005; and Nominee for Worst Supporting Actor for G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra in 2010; Notes: Most of his recent work is in television and specifically on Netflix. The film Naked and his new series Marlon. I have seen neither.)

Actors – Shawn Wayans – (Known For: Scary Movie; I’m Gonna Git You Sucka; Future BMT: Dance Flick; Scary Movie 2; Don’t Be a Menace to South Central While Drinking Your Juice in the Hood; BMT: Little Man; White Chicks; Razzie Notes: Winner for Worst Actor, and Worst Screen Couple for Little Man in 2007; Nominee for Worst Screenplay in 2005 for White Chicks; and in 2007 for Little Man; and Nominee for Worst Actress, and Worst Screen Couple for White Chicks in 2005; Notes: Apparently he deejays now … at least all of the most recent news articles about him are about a set he did in Fort Myers.)

Marlon Wayans – (Known For: Requiem for a Dream; Scary Movie; The Heat; The Ladykillers; Above the Rim; I’m Gonna Git You Sucka; Future BMT: Dance Flick; Scary Movie 2; G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra; Naked; Mo’ Money; Senseless; The Sixth Man; Don’t Be a Menace to South Central While Drinking Your Juice in the Hood; BMT: Norbit; Dungeons & Dragons; Little Man; Fifty Shades of Black; Marmaduke; A Haunted House 2; A Haunted House; White Chicks; Razzie Notes: Winner for Worst Actor, and Worst Screen Couple for Little Man in 2007; Nominee for Worst Screenplay in 2005 for White Chicks; and in 2007 for Little Man; Nominee for Worst Actress, and Worst Screen Couple for White Chicks in 2005; and Nominee for Worst Supporting Actor for G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra in 2010; Notes: There isn’t much news about him weirdly, beyond being mentioned as being extremely nice in one article I found.)

Kerry Washington – (Known For: Cars 3; Django Unchained; Mr. & Mrs. Smith; Save the Last Dance; Ray; The Last King of Scotland; The Human Stain; Lakeview Terrace; The Details; The Dead Girl; Mother and Child; Life Is Hot in Cracktown; Our Song; Night Catches Us; Future BMT: Fantastic 4: Rise of the Silver Surfer; Fantastic Four; Bad Company; I Think I Love My Wife; She Hate Me; Against the Ropes; Peeples; Miracle at St. Anna; For Colored Girls; BMT: Little Man; A Thousand Words; Razzie Notes: Winner for Worst Screen Couple for Little Man in 2007; Notes: Much more famous now for the show Scandal. Has a somewhat notable anecdote about being taught to dance by Jennifer Lopez in the Bronx back in the day.)

Budget/Gross – $64 million / Domestic: $58,645,052 (Worldwide: $101,595,121)

(That’s honestly pretty solid, and it is a little weird more of these types of comedies weren’t produced afterwards. Plausibly with Norbit coming out in 2007 and kind of destroying similarly styled comedies for a while the Wayans just couldn’t get things greenlit? Also,these might have been the first things studios cut to save money during the financial crisis as well.)

Rotten Tomatoes – 12% (11/91): Another gimmicky comedy from the Wayans brothers, Little Man comes with the requisite raunchiness, but forgot to bring the laughs.

(I can’t believe this isn’t below 10%. This movie looks atrocious and just as unpleasant as something like Norbit (not to draw such comparisons, it is mainly the flippancy in which serious subjects like spousal abuse and sexual assault are treating the Norbit and, seemingly, Little Man respectively). Reviewer Highlight: It’s a concept, not a movie. – JM Tyree, Time Out.)

Poster – Little Sklog (D)

(These are the types of posters I hate. Dominant white background and prominent characters (what I call human-colors… which is just a mishmash of skin tones and clothing). However, I have to appreciate the fact that this poster is almost a parody of posters… something that would be seen in Funny People or something to make fun of how stupid and derivative mass-market films can get.)

Tagline(s) – Big things come in small packages. (C-)

(While this is a totally reasonable tagline, it is also something that I would have made up as an example of the most cliched, least interesting tagline possible. So congrats on that I guess.)

Keyword(s) – dumb police; Top Ten by BMeTric: 80.2 Little Man (2006); 55.1 An American Werewolf in Paris (1997); 51.4 Bride of Chucky (1998); 43.8 The Watch (I) (2012); 39.2 That Darn Cat (1997); 36.1 Summer’s Blood (2009); 34.8 Friday After Next (2002); 33.0 P2 (2007); 20.7 Arachnophobia (1990); 20.2 Gruesome (2006);

(Ha! I can’t believe we’ve only seen one “dumb police” film. You can kind of tell the keyword is sparsely populated (with the lowest BMeTric being 20, it should be up in the 40s for something like this), but I’m going to leave it because it is hilarious.)

Movie Stub – Little Man (Start-class) – I liked the plot summary here, short and sweet. I personally think this is much closer to C-class than it seems, and perhaps it hasn’t been reviewed recently? I did add a reference for the DVD release date, so I eliminated one of the public notices requesting changes, so I’ve done my part. C-class here we come! I assume, I’m still not very sure how that all works.

Notes – The scenes with Calvin were filmed twice: once with dwarf actors Linden Porco and Gabriel Pimentel together with the other actors, and once with Marlon Wayans alone wearing a green bodysuit against a green screen. In post-production, Porco’s and Pimental’s heads were replaced with Marlon’s. Their bodies were also painted brown in order to match Marlon’s face. (Yeah … that is the only way they could do that so it makes sense. Fun fact I guess)

Percy’s song Butcher Shop is based on 50 Cent’s song Candy Shop they also use the same beat (WHAT)

Awards

Nominee for the Razzie Award for Worst Actor of the Decade (Rob Schneider, 2010)

Winner for the Razzie Award for Worst Actor (Marlon Wayans, Shawn Wayans, 2007)

Winner for the Razzie Award for Worst Screen Couple (Shawn Wayans, Kerry Washington, Marlon Wayans, 2007)

Winner for the Razzie Award for Worst Remake or Rip-Off (2007)

Nominee for the Razzie Award for Worst Picture (2007)

Nominee for the Razzie Award for Worst Actor (Rob Schneider, 2007)

Nominee for the Razzie Award for Worst Director (Keenen Ivory Wayans, 2007)

Nominee for the Razzie Award for Worst Screenplay (Keenen Ivory Wayans, Marlon Wayans, Shawn Wayans, 2007)

Cool World Recap

Jamie

Writer Jack Deebs is released from prison only to find himself sucked into the world of the comic books he wrote while behind bars. There he is seduced by Holli Would, a sultry cartoon who wants to become human and enter the real world. Can Cool World detective Frank Harris stop her before it’s too late? Find out in… Cool World.

What?! Frank Harris is back from WWII and almost immediately accidentally kills his mom in a motorcycle accident. Nice going, IDIOT. Just as we think we are going into a drama involving Frank dealing with his grief and guilt, a hole randomly opens in space and time and transports him to Cool World thanks to a “doodle” doctor and his invention, the Spike of Power. We jump to present day where Jack Deebs, the incarcerated comic book writer who based his comic book’s world off of Cool World, is about to be released. We see him get pulled into Cool World where he sees Holli Would, a sultry femme fatale who wants to totes bone him (a “noid”) in order to gain power to enter the real world herself. Jack comes and goes from Cool World a couple more times where he learns from Frank that there are rulez that prohibit noids from boning doodles and that he better watch out for Holli… which he promptly ignores and the two have crazy noid-doodle sex. This turns Holli into a real woman and her and Jack flee Cool World for Vegas, baby! Holli immediately spurns Jack to try to find the Spike of Power in order to break down the barrier between Cool World and the real world and gain ultimate power. She kills Frank, gets the Spike, and breaks the barrier only to have a doodle-fied Jack take the Spike and reverse it all. Frank is then reborn in Cool World as a doodle and is super psyched because now he can fuck cartoons to his heart’s content. THE END.

Why?! The motivations that matter the most are that of Holli. She wants power and more than just what a cartoon life gives her. She has heard stories of a doodle who used the Spike of Power to enter the real world and wants to get there in order to get what she thinks she deserves: everything. Having sex with a noid is her way of doing this and she’s been bringing human men into Cool World to try to accomplish that. Jack’s just one of those dopes who thinks he’s created Cool World. When he finds that it’s actually a real place he ignores advice at every turn and just can’t resist having sex with Holli… which is pretty weird.

What?! Can’t recall any significant product placement. There is the mysterious object called the Spike of Power that was used to bridge the gap between Cool World and the real world. Holli Would seems to assume this object will also help her stay in noid form at the end of the film because… well, because it’s a MacGuffin I guess and you don’t really have to explain why it would have the power to do that.

Who?! Frank Sinatra Jr. makes a cameo appearance in a nightclub in Vegas. He was the son of a famous singer, a famous singer in his own right, and a famous victim of kidnapping. His daddio had to fork over a whole bunch of money to get him back. Cool stuff.

Where?! Vegas, baby! Seems like Cool World is somehow inexorably linked to Vegas as both Frank and Jack come from there. Perhaps it’s some meditation on Vegas as a cartoon world created by those who dreamt it up? Could have been an A- maybe if that was the case, but hard to know for sure. B+.

When?! We are given an intertitle setting us in 1992 for the main thrust of the film. While not exact it is still an intertitle so that pushes it to a B-.

What a strange, terrible film. I can understand the ambition and artistry here. The creator of this was obviously very much an artist in animation. The way that the doodles manically interact with each other and ghostly, half-drawn faces float around the world seems to indicate that he thought long and hard about what a world of cartoons would be and took it to the logical dark and twisted conclusion. But narratively this is a mess and just not worth watching. He even dropped the ball when it came to having real people interact with the cartoon and it looks like garbage. So I can’t even say that you could watch it for only the visual pleasure. Just an odd, weird thing that exists that maybe you can find aspects to appreciate (maybe?). Patrick?

Patrick

‘Ello everyone! Not-very-cool world is more like it, amirite? What if you could animate things and had a ton of cocaine? Let’s find out!

The Good – Who Framed Roger Rabbit? is a charming wonderful film, and this makes you appreciate the patience and skill it took the animators, director, and Bob Hoskins to make that film work. And then some jabronis made this … go figure.

P’s View on the Preview – The only thing this film had going for it was that it seemed like it could try and be a more mature (even r-rated) version of Who Framed Roger Rabbit?. Once you read the preview though you realize the insane producer and Kim Basinger basically hijacked that vision, kicked the shit out of the director, and tried to force what was a fine (if misguided) idea into a PG box. To see them fail miserably and produce a steaming pile of shit was the only thing of interest here.

The Bad – This is a steaming pile of shit. The movie is scattershot and off from the get go. None of the acting or writing is good. The set design and direction is just … it takes the idea from Who Framed Roger Rabbit? and basically did it on the cheap with cheap looking hand painted cutouts. Cool World isn’t fleshed out and instead comes across as merely a riff on the hard boiled detective cliche more than anything else. It is a marvel, but an unpleasant one, and one that never begs for a rewatch or showing anyone. It exists only to be put on worst of lists and to be compared to Who Framed Roger Rabbit?. Just terrible.

Get Yo Rant On – Cool World. Can anyone tell me what happens in Cool World? Who anyone is, what the rules are, the geography, the culture. They intentionally divide the Noids (humans) from the Doodles (cartoons), which basically hamstrings the entire thing as well, because the Doodle culture is not an amalgamation of human cultures of any kind, there is no riff on the oddity whereby age and mortality contrast with the humans that inhabit the same world. What was even the idea?! What did this movie have going for it that they would even consider making it?! Out of all of the films I wish I could read up on the background for this is either the most or least interesting one. Either there is a crazy story of how this was made … or the answer is simply “cocaine, hubris, and a dash of genuine insane people with power”.

Welcome to Earf – I admit, I had to look up Kimmy B’s filmography to remind myself. Kim Basinger is in both Cool World and Grudge Match with Sylvester Stallone, who was in Zookeeper with Adam Sandler, who was in Jack and Jill with Al Pacino, who was in 88 Minutes with Leelee Sobieski, who was in Here on Earth. Welcome to Earf!

The BMT – This will live on a bit because of the obvious correlation to Who Framed Roger Rabbit?. I would never ever recommend this to anyone to watch ever though. It is boring and unpleasant. So there isn’t much there. To put in on a BMeTric like scale I would give it a 35, just a shade below where you’d want to be before recommending it to someone I feel like.

StreetCreditReport.com – The movie is so lame people write entire articles about it these days. To say the least it has some serious cred and had been on our radar for years (and is on the Calendar, which holds it own sort of cache). I found it difficult to find actual lists from the time, but retrospectives seem to be a bit more kind to it at this point. Whatever, this movie is hot garbage.

And that’s it. I wish I had watched Who Framed Roger Rabbit? for this recap, but I didn’t. But that’s just because that movie is awesome. This movie is just trash, so let’s forget about it.

Cheerios,

The Sklogs

Cool World Quiz

Are you having one of those days where you just got out of prison, but you keep on getting transported to an alternative dimension populated by cartoons which you thought had come from your mind? Wait … what?

Pop Quiz Hot Shot!

1) In the beginning of the film Brad Pitt is returning from where, and when does this sequence take place?

2) How is Brad Pitt’s character transported to Cool World (the parallel dimension populated by Doodles) in the first place?

3) During the course of the film Brad Pitt has a partner named Nails, an anthropomorphic spider. At one point Nails is semi-kinda-not-really killed? What is one way to kill a Doodle apparently?

4) In the end of the film Brad Pitt is killed after being shoved off of a Las Vegas casino by Holli Would. But, what is this? He lives! Why didn’t Brad Pitt ultimately die?

5) In the beginning of the film Gabriel Byrne is in prison … what was his crime?

Answers

Christmas with the Kranks Recap

Jamie

With their daughter away for Christmas, the Kranks decide to skip it all together, save some money, and go for a luxury cruise much to the annoyance of their neighbors. That is until their daughter surprises them on Christmas Eve. Can they turn it around and save Christmas before it’s too late? Find out in… Christmas with the Kranks.

How?! When Luther and Nora Krank’s only daughter heads off to Peru with the Peace Corps it seems like Christmas just won’t be the same. In a stroke of genius Luther concocts a scheme where they will boycott the entire holiday, save some money, and go on a luxury cruise instead. This plan immediately runs into trouble as they boycott the firemen, police officers, and boy scouts who come for the normal charity and kindness they’ve come to expect from the Kranks in the holiday season. Not this year, freeloaders! No retreat and no surrender! They particularly miff their holiday obsessed neighbors when they refuse to decorate their house along with everyone else. After suffering the entire community’s scorn they get tantalizingly close to their cruise only to get a call from their daughter surprising them with a holiday visit with her new fiance she met in Peru! Oh no! Scrambling around they find themselves unable to get guests or decorations together for a last minute Christmas Eve party. Looking for one last dose of holiday cheer Luther attempts to put up a giant Frosty decoration on his house, but nearly dies in the process. Seeing this near death experience the neighbors band together to put on the party and give the Krank clan a Christmas they’ll never forget. The End.

Why?! This is actually an interesting question. Everyone kind of assumes that they decide to skip Christmas to save a quick buck, which obviously rubs everyone the wrong way. It’s no wonder they think this either since both Luther and Nora use this excuse throughout the film. While it’s made more explicit in the book, the reality is that Luther just doesn’t really like Christmas. He thinks it’s wasteful and stressful and is basically just protesting the season. He doesn’t like the peer pressure to participate that is heaped on them by their neighbors and he wants to show how much better it is to just skip it. Spoiler alert, though, it turns out skipping it is much more stressful than actually doing it. So I guess the moral of the story is that peer pressure works really well.

What?! For a Christmas movie this was surprisingly bereft of product placement. I would note an interesting thing about the Frosty prop used in the film. IMDb claims that it was Tim Allen’s dad’s Frosty that is used in a huge number of different films. This cannot possibly be true. First, the book has the Frosty plotline, which would be super coincidental. Second, the Frosty prop is now on display in a Christmas film prop show currently in Akron. Third, there is zero evidence online to corroborate this absurd claim. For shame, IMDb.

Who?! Dedicate “in loving memory” to Alan King, a famous comedian who died the year of its release. He apparently shot some scenes in the role of Luther’s boss, but they ended up on the cutting room floor. He also has a dedication in the credits of Rush Hour 3, which is an interesting double billing. The Alan King Double Feature.

Where?! Riverside, Illinois is the home of the Kranks. Noted by a local newspaper and police. Lots of license plates around as well. Solid, but not over the top. B.

When?! A+ Setting Alert! Again, nothing like a holiday film to open the door for some title integration. Made me wonder if there is any example of a film with a double A+ setting. Both a place and a time integrated in title. A Christmas title is the best opportunity. Something like A New York Christmas or something. Autumn in New York is a good one Patrick found, but I’m not sure how I would grade that. I know how to grade this, though. A+.

I took one for the team this week and read the novella on which this film is based, Skipping Christmas by John Grisham (yes, that John Grisham). For the most part the film is an exact adaptation, made possible by the low page count. The only additions were some slapstick stunts like the freezing of a cat, which were probably deemed necessary since the book is mostly a story of a bunch of assholes being assholes to each other (with some snark thrown in here and there). I have to note one glaring omission: in the book when the Kranks hear that their daughter is bringing her new Peruvian fiance to Christmas they take a moment to note that many Peruvians are dark-skinned… alrighty. I thought I had misread it. But, then when he shows up they note with glee that he’s not dark-skinned at all, but is in fact lighter than Luther… sufficed to say that didn’t make it into the film. Nothing like a bit of casual racism to get you in the holiday spirit. Patrick?

Patrick

‘Ello everyone! Your production company is feeling that itch for some corporate synergy. They’re wondering if a Christmas movie could be made that as a bit more … apologetic towards the rampant commercialization of the holiday season. You’ve got a can-do attitude, right?! Grab your John Grisham novel, and milk that sweet IP! Let’s get into it!

The Good (Sequel, Prequel, Remake) – Tim Allen pulls off the grumpy-dad character quite well. And while the message is gross, the ultimate pay off in the end kind of makes it all understandable. Also, credit where credit is due, I did not see the rather emotional twist at the end coming. I think I want to see the Sequel! That’s right, in the intervening years, while Blair and Enrique have come to Chicago every year for the big Christmas bash, this year Blair is pregnant and can’t travel from, you guessed it, Peru! So the Kranks are going on vacation. It’s a culture clash for the ages as the Kranks meet the Decardenals (holy shit, he has a last name!) and have a true blue peruvian Christmas! Christmas with the Kranks 2: Meet the Decardenals!

The Bad (Sklognalogy) – The message is pretty gross as all of the reviews say. Even then, the movie is kind of two movies smushed together. The first half is all about them skipping Christmas (and honestly, being jerks about it … like, you are saving $3K, you can’t give a donation to the cops, c’mon!), and then halfway through they realize they can’t anymore, so it kind of kicks into high gear at that point. As far as Christmas films go, this might be the worst I’ve seen (Saving Christmas doesn’t count), but it still has the charm of being about family and fun and Christmas. You just wish it wasn’t so heavy-handed and gross about greed-is-good mentality of embracing Christmas materialism. The Sklognalogy is … well, avoiding the obvious, let’s go with The Guardian starring Ashton Kutcher and Kevin Costner. Another movie that feels like two movies smushed together and ultimately fails to be particularly good versions of either movie it is trying to be.

The BMT (Legacy / StreetCreditReport.com) – I think this could have major ramifications for BMT, but it depends on whether we are willing to sacrifice some BMT Live action. Primarily because … I think this movie could have been really fun to watch around Christmas. Which makes me think we could have three BMT Lives and a BMT Holiday extravaganza instead. If that happens, this movie will make a turning point in BMT. Otherwise, none, perfectly forgettable beyond being a not-at-all-secret BMT Holiday film. It does get a few shouts as a top ten worst holiday film. And gets shouts as one of the worst films of 2004. In other words, this had the cred. Like Deck the Halls, it had to be done as an all-time bad holiday film.

Before I go I want to do a brief analysis on the “friend” from this pair. In this case we were testing the waters concerning Christian Films, by watching Saving Christmas, breaking an unspoken BMT rule in the process. So, did we prove the rule by watching the exception and realizing even the extremes still barely qualify? Or are more religious films coming soon to a BMT near you? … Personally, it is the exception that proves the rule. Christian films are low quality, and just make me angry with what is often a disingenuous holier-than-thou attitude. Our unspoken rule of really only doing those once in a lifetime movies seems a-ok to me at this point. This is a BMT film, but it is also probably the biggest one ever released (not counting something like Passion of the Christ I suppose) … and it still barely qualifies. So doubtful any others are really worth it.

Cheerios,

The Sklogs

Kirk Cameron’s Saving Christmas Recap

Jamie

Kirk Cameron loves Christmas and is dismayed to find his brother-in-law Christian is not as enthusiastic. Can he sway his opinion about the holiday with some totally unassailable logic and deep biblical knowledge before it’s too late? Find out in… Saving Christmas.

How?! Kirk Cameron is ready to settle in with some strictly Xmas related things: hot chocolate, fireplaces, and sweaters… just some typical religious icons. But some people in this world don’t want you to enjoy all those super nonsecular things. No sir. They either want you to not be so enthusiastic or they want you to celebrate only Jesus. Booooooo. Scrooges, the lot of them. So Kirk is rightfully shocked to find his brother-in-law Christian is one of the Scrooges! Oh no! He thinks presents are dumb, Christmas trees are pagan heresy, and Santa is a capitalistic monster. Bah humbug! Luckily Kirk Cameron is there to save the day (and that day is Christmas), because he know everything about the bible and all of those things are totes in there and totally cool. Don’t worry about it. You probably didn’t pick up on all the Christmas trees in the bible because you weren’t as smart as Kirk Cameron. He’ll explain it to you. Once Christian is convinced he heads into the house for a little nog, a little dance party, and a swell Christmas dinner with his BFFs. The End.

Why?! To save Xmas, bro! Duh! People are literally at war with Christmas. They want to stamp out all of your beliefs. Kirk will help you defeat the theist and atheist fiends alike with some airtight counterpoints. Everyone else… uh… wait, there isn’t anyone else in this film. Just him talking to you while he sits in a car.

What?! The idea that this film would have a product placement is laughable. The closest we get is a prominent shot of the GMC truck that Kirk and Christian sit in for an hour while they talk at us. But yeah, it def wasn’t a product placement… right?

Who?! Solid Director-turned-actor here with Darren Doane playing second fiddle to Kirk Cameron. A little foreshadowing with my boy Doane: he also directed another of the films that is part of the Bring A Friend cycle, which is absurd. Also have to note the Christian dance troop that is featured prominently in the last 15 minutes of the film: God Squad Dance Crew. I would link to their website but I don’t actually want to go to it.

Where?! Pretty obviously takes place in LA, but not explicitly stated. You do get a straight shot of the license plate of the car they sit in for an hour and it definitely has a California plate. So you got the state. C-.

When?! A+ Setting Alert! Best part of a Christmas movie is you have the temporal setting sitting right there for the taking. Worst part is you occasionally have to see absolute trash like this. Gross. A+.

This. Film. Is. Terrible. I would never, ever, ever, ever, ever watch it again… Patrick?

Patrick

‘Ello everyone! So you are want to create something wonderful for your flock to enjoy in the Christmas (with a capital Christ) season to combat the liberal War on Christmas? Who are you going to call? Child-star-turned-evangelical-icon Kirk Cameron of course! I hope he knows how to make movies … he does know how to make movies right?! Let’s get into it!

The Good (Sequel, Prequel, Remake) – The film quality is … good. Like the picture itself. They rented cameras that were good enough for a feature length production. Honestly, I’m having trouble even thinking through whether I should do sequel/prequel/remake … I mean, like, Remake. Remake this movie with real actors? Although you’d probably just end up with Left Behind starring Nic Cage. So, what is there to say? This will serve its purpose. People will watch it in Sunday school and it’ll give a few tough questions answers that sound good. But is there anything in this movie that is “good”? No, it is not a real movie. It can amuse more than you would think, but mostly it made me angry by just how disingenuous it managed to be.

The Bad (Sklognalogy) – This is a real one: at one point they talk about “santa” and about how Saint Nicholas was a real person. Then they show him beating the shit out of someone and everyone is like “man, Santa’s a badass”. That’s assault brotha, and it is nothing to celebrate, especially not in a purported Christian film. The acting is terrible, the film is not a movie. By technical definitions even. It opens with a five minute intro by Cameron talking to the camera about how much he loves hot chocolate, and then ends with (not kidding) a 20 minute sequence involving a dance party, a dinner scene, and then blooooooopies. This movie is less than an hour long. The Sklognalogy is … no not Left Behind. Even when we did Left Behind, at least that had a story. This does not, it comes across as almost stream of consciousness. It is produced by Liberty University! No, the Sklognalogy is Atlas Shrugged III: Who is John Galt? A pure propaganda film that isn’t a real movie, disingenuous, holier than thou, and wholly terrible.

The BMT (Legacy / StreetCreditReport.com) – For at least a year, and this will be expanded upon more in the Christmas with the Kranks, this I think puts the nail in the coffin of doing more explicitly religious films (like God’s Not Dead 2 for example). It just isn’t really worth it. I will come out of it the same way: angry and with a simple five word review: “This is not a movie”. This had the streetcred though. Due to Kirk Cameron’s own idiotic victim mentality he went to social media to decry the unfair online reviews his movie got! … which promptly got him more negative reviews and single-handedly caused his movie to nearly sweep the Razzies. It did get a shout at 18th worst of the year at the AV Club, but often was overshadowed by Left Behind and God’s Not Dead from the same year. Every review basically calls it an experimental film trying to figure out how little actual movie can be made while still releasing to theaters.

I’ll probably leave it mostly there. I will point out something I thought was rather humorous from this entire humorless affair. Darren Doane’s character Christian sits around in his car the whole time while his wife is slaving away in the kitchen preparing this absolutely enormous dinner for friends and family … then when dinner comes around, who is at the head of the table as if he didn’t just sulk around for days on end like an asshole? Christian. The patriarchy, am I right?

Cheerios,

The Sklogs