Category: Preview

Bolero Preview

Patrick and Kyle amble about the local Planetarium. The darkness makes it a perfect place to hide out. No fans mobbing him for Stallone’s autograph, no police asking him dumb questions about kidnapping. “This is nice, Mr. Stallone, but did you say we were here for a reason?” Patrick looks at him confused, “oh right… space and time… so like a wormhole?” He waits to see if that makes any sense. “That’s dumb, isn’t it?” Kyle nods. Patrick sits glumly on a bench and ponders his next move. If Jamie was here he’s sure they’d figure this out together. Instead he just has this dumb kid around. But just before he can tell Kyle how dumb he is a couple of fine looking ladies approach. “Excuse me, are you Sly Stallone?” they ask. Patrick nods, even though it’s not really true. “Oh my God!” one of them says, “I was just telling my friend that my only dream in the world is to have steamy sex with a big movie star like Sly Stallone.” Patrick is startled at their candor.

“It’s not about what we do. It’s about what you do?” Kyle tries to explain. “Imagine you are actually a bad guy who wants the Dongle, what would you do?” Jamie nods in understanding, “I would take it from you with my big muscles.” But when he looks at his shriveled 80-year-old arms he realizes that’s probably wrong. “No,” Kyle says exasperated, “you would say that you’re actually my long lost friend, right?” Jamie looks incredulous. “But I am your long lost friend.” Kyle throws up his hands in despair. Jamie sighs, if Patrick were here it wouldn’t be so hard. A panic overwhelms him. For the first time he wonders out loud, “But what if I’m Frank Stallone forever?”

That’s right! We’re finally watching Bolero, the Bo Derek film that pretty much ended her career as a feature film lead actress. We tend to avoid the non-thriller erotic films that Hollywood has churned out. But like Blame it on Rio, sometimes the idea is so bad you gotta do it. We are pairing it with another George Kennedy vehicle, The Terror Within, which looked like a fun post-apocalyptic horror film. Let’s go!

Bolero (1984) – BMeTric: 58.0; Notability: 21

StreetCreditReport.com – BMeTric: top 1.2%; Notability: top 10.8%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 0.0%; Higher BMeT: Supergirl, Rhinestone, The Hills Have Eyes Part II; Higher Notability: Cannonball Run II, Supergirl, City Heat, Protocol, Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo, The River, Unfaithfully Yours, Conan the Destroyer, The Woman in Red, Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter, Firstborn, Sheena, Rhinestone, American Dreamer, The Ice Pirates, Reckless, Exterminator 2, Firestarter, C.H.U.D., Breakin’, and 7 more; Notes: Oh yeah, that’s right, it’s a true blue 0% on Rotten Tomatoes film. And the BMeTric is solid to boot. That’s some cred.

RogerEbert.com – 0.5 stars – Let’s face it. Nobody is going to “Bolero” for the plot anyway. They’re going for the Good Parts. There are two Good Parts, not counting her naked ride on horseback, which was the only scene in the movie that had me wondering how she did it. The real future of “Bolero” is in home cassette rentals, where your fast forward and instant replay controls will supply the editing job the movie so desperately needs.

(Gross, but also true. Just saying it how it is Ebert. No one can fault you for that. And 0.5 is more than fair for this weirdo film.)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PpAk1A04gng/

(Dares to be different. Dares to be daring. LOL. That is one way of saying this movie is undeniably terrible … but it is borderline porn, so there we go.)

Directors – John Derek – ( Known For: Tarzan the Ape Man; Ghosts Can’t Do It; Fantasies; Once Before I Die; Nightmare in the Sun; A Boy… a Girl; Childish Things; BMT: Bolero; Razzie Notes: Winner for Worst Director in 1985 for Bolero; and in 1991 for Ghosts Can’t Do It; Winner for Worst Screenplay for Bolero in 1985; Nominee for Worst Director for Tarzan the Ape Man in 1982; and Nominee for Worst Screenplay for Ghosts Can’t Do It in 1991; Notes: Yeah, so John Derek and Bo Derek met when she was seventeen and they moved to Germany and then Mexico in order to make sure he didn’t get arrested for statutory rape until Bo Derek turned eighteen.)

Writers – John Derek – ( Known For: Ghosts Can’t Do It; Fantasies; A Boy… a Girl; BMT: Bolero; Razzie Notes: Winner for Worst Director in 1985 for Bolero; and in 1991 for Ghosts Can’t Do It; Winner for Worst Screenplay for Bolero in 1985; Nominee for Worst Director for Tarzan the Ape Man in 1982; and Nominee for Worst Screenplay for Ghosts Can’t Do It in 1991; Notes: Was an actor mostly, including appearing in The Ten Commandments. He wrote and directed later in life.)

Actors – Bo Derek – ( Known For: Tommy Boy; 10; Tarzan the Ape Man; Orca; Ghosts Can’t Do It; Woman of Desire; Fantasies; 5 Weddings; People Cover Story: Bachelorette Baby Boom; Highland Park; Frozen with Fear; Sognando la California; Future BMT: Malibu’s Most Wanted; BMT: The Master of Disguise; Bolero; A Change of Seasons; Razzie Notes: Winner for Worst Actress in 1982 for Mommie Dearest, and Tarzan the Ape Man; in 1985 for Bolero; and in 1991 for Ghosts Can’t Do It; Winner for Worst Actress of the Decade in 1990 for Bolero, and Tarzan the Ape Man; Nominee for Worst Supporting Actress in 1996 for Tommy Boy; and in 2003 for The Master of Disguise; Nominee for Worst Actress of the Century in 2000 for Bolero, Ghosts Can’t Do It, and Tarzan the Ape Man; and Nominee for Worst Picture of the Decade for Bolero in 1990; Notes: Was notably older than her step children when she met and married John Derek. She mostly acted in her husband’s productions early in her career.)

George Kennedy – ( Known For: The Naked Gun: From the Files of Police Squad!; The Dirty Dozen; Cool Hand Luke; Small Soldiers; Death on the Nile; Charade; The Flight of the Phoenix; The Eiger Sanction; Naked Gun 33 1/3: The Final Insult; Thunderbolt and Lightfoot; The Naked Gun 2½: The Smell of Fear; The Gambler; Earthquake; Hush…Hush, Sweet Charlotte; Shenandoah; In Harm’s Way; Airport; Airport ’77; The Boston Strangler; Airport 1975; Future BMT: Creepshow 2; The Delta Force; View from the Top; BMT: Bolero; Razzie Notes: Nominee for Worst Supporting Actor for Bolero in 1985; Notes: Won an Oscar for Cool Hand Luke for Supporting Actor. He then became a pretty big B-movie actor in the 80s in things like Hired to Kill and Brain Dead.)

Andrea Occhipinti – ( Known For: The Sea Inside; The New York Ripper; Miranda; Conquest; A Blade in the Dark; The Family; Priest of Love; Más allá del jardín; Control; The Jeweller’s Shop; Amor de hombre; Who Killed Pasolini?; Queens; Horses; Tracce di vita amorosa; Preferisco il rumore del mare; BMT: Bolero; Razzie Notes: Nominee for Worst New Star for Bolero in 1985; Notes: Is Italian, although in this film he plays a Spanish person.)

Budget/Gross – $7 million / Domestic: $8,914,881 (Worldwide: $8,914,881)

(That’s not awesome, but again, I’m pretty skeptical of the budget. Also while early, it almost certainly made money eventually on home video or late-night cable packages.)

Rotten Tomatoes – 0% (0/23): Bolero combines a ludicrous storyline and wildly mismatched cast in its desperate attempts to titillate, but only succeeds in arousing boredom.

(That is a ton of reviews to still have 0%. And not surprising after watching this film. It is insanely weird, boring, and bad.)

Reviewer Highlight: Poor Bo no sooner has her initial introduction to amour than the new lover gets gored in a sensitive location, putting him out of commission. – Variety

Poster – Nolero

(I’m not sure what to say about this. It’s abstract and artsy in a way I can’t understand. Maybe I’m not creative enough. Just seems like a jumble of pictures that wishes it could just show you a naked lady on a horse. I like the font a lot though. The pink pops. C-.)

Tagline(s) – An Adventure in Ecstasy (C)

(It’s not lying. It’s also not all that interesting. Although, I’ll have to study the film very closely to make sure that’s true.)

Keyword(s) – past

Top 10: The Shawshank Redemption (1994), Forrest Gump (1994), The Dark Knight Rises (2012), Django Unchained (2012), Gladiator (2000), Inglourious Basterds (2009), Saving Private Ryan (1998), Schindler’s List (1993), The Prestige (2006), Shutter Island (2010)

Future BMT: 88.7 BloodRayne (2005), 73.0 The Unborn (2009), 70.4 Texas Chainsaw (2013), 70.2 Black Christmas (2006), 69.9 Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III (1993), 65.9 The Woman in Black 2: Angel of Death (2014), 64.6 The Final Destination (2009), 62.1 The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor (2008), 59.8 Exorcist: The Beginning (2004), 56.8 Robin Hood (2018), 55.1 Annabelle (2014), 54.9 The Quiet Ones (2014), 54.5 Snow Dogs (2002), 53.8 Spy Hard (1996), 53.1 Porky’s Revenge (1985), 52.4 2016: Obama’s America (2012), 52.1 Radhe Shyam (2022), 51.6 Porky’s II: The Next Day (1983), 50.2 The Last Legion (2007), 50.1 Halloween Kills (2021) … (and many more)

BMT: Epic Movie (2007), Superman IV: The Quest for Peace (1987), The Fog (2005), Movie 43 (2013), Super Mario Bros. (1993), Glitter (2001), Holmes & Watson (2018), The Master of Disguise (2002), The Legend of Hercules (2014), Grease 2 (1982), The Bye Bye Man (2017), Jonah Hex (2010), Freddy’s Dead: The Final Nightmare (1991), Wild Wild West (1999), Highlander: The Final Dimension (1994), The Ridiculous 6 (2015), Highlander: Endgame (2000), Black Knight (2001), Chernobyl Diaries (2012), A Nightmare on Elm Street 5: The Dream Child (1989), Cool World (1992), The Musketeer (2001), An American Haunting (2005), Apollo 18 (2011), Ishtar (1987), The Curse of La Llorona (2019), The Nun (2018), Pinocchio (2002), Hellraiser: Bloodline (1996), Bolero (1984), Bones (2001), Shanghai Surprise (1986), Return to the Blue Lagoon (1991), House of Wax (2005), Season of the Witch (2011), The Tuxedo (2002), Mannequin: On the Move (1991), Pompeii (2014), Ghost Ship (2002), Assassin’s Creed (2016), The Scarlet Letter (1995), Dolittle (2020), Timeline (2003), The Quest (1996), X-Men: Dark Phoenix (2019), Wagons East (1994), The Three Musketeers (2011), Diana (2013), Ben-Hur (2016), Rambo III (1988), Around the World in 80 Days (2004), The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning (2006), The Blue Lagoon (1980), Cutthroat Island (1995), Texas Rangers (2001), Sucker Punch (2011), Captain Corelli’s Mandolin (2001), Jobs (2013), Dirty Dancing: Havana Nights (2004), Friday the 13th Part 2 (1981), Original Sin (2001), Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters (2013), American Outlaws (2001), Universal Soldier (1992), Winter’s Tale (2014), Harlem Nights (1989), I Dreamed of Africa (2000), The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (2003), The Identical (2014), The Chamber (1996), The Marrying Man (1991), Wild Bill (1995), In Love and War (1996), Sleepaway Camp (1983), Gods and Generals (2003), The Lone Ranger (2013), X-Men Origins: Wolverine (2009), Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales (2017), Rambo: First Blood Part II (1985), Halloween II (1981), September Dawn (2007), Young Guns II (1990), Oscar (1991), Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides (2011), Evening (2007), The 13th Warrior (1999), White Comanche (1968), Gangster Squad (2013), Now and Then (1995), A Dog’s Purpose (2017)

Best Options (Romance): 58.0 Bolero (1984), 52.1 Radhe Shyam (2022), 47.3 Bad Girls (1994), 37.9 Nine (2009), 36.7 The Legend of Zorro (2005), 32.3 Mary Reilly (1996), 32.2 All the Pretty Horses (2000), 27.3 The Bride (1985), 23.3 Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein (1994), 23.3 Tulip Fever (2017), 22.6 A Night in the Life of Jimmy Reardon (1988), 20.6 Havana (1990), 20.6 Year of the Gun (1991), 18.7 Love in the Time of Cholera (2007), 16.7 Inventing the Abbotts (1997), 14.5 Mrs. Soffel (1984), 13.0 Corrina, Corrina (1994), 13.0 Heartbreak Hotel (1988), 12.0 Great Expectations (1998), 11.9 Tristan + Isolde (2006), 9.9 Snow Falling on Cedars (1999), 9.3 Stealing Home (1988), 9.0 The Longest Ride (2015), 8.6 Bobby Jones: Stroke of Genius (2004), 6.5 The Phantom of the Opera (2004), 5.9 Heaven Help Us (1985), 5.4 Memoirs of a Geisha (2005)

(We finally did it! We finally did Bolero. And there it was, just sitting there waiting for us to do it as the top option for a romance set in the past. How could we skip it? Not a chance.)

Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 20) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Bo Derek is No. 1 billed in Bolero and No. 3 billed in A Change of Seasons, which also stars Shirley MacLaine (No. 1 billed) who is in Mrs. Winterbourne (No. 1 billed) which also stars Brendan Fraser (No. 3 billed) who is in Escape from Planet Earth (No. 1 billed) which also stars Jessica Alba (No. 2 billed) who is in Mechanic: Resurrection (No. 2 billed) which also stars Jason Statham (No. 1 billed) who is in In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale (No. 1 billed) which also stars Leelee Sobieski (No. 3 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 1 billed) => (1 + 3) + (1 + 1) + (3 + 1) + (2 + 2) + (1 + 1) + (3 + 1) = 20. If we were to watch The Big Green, and Surrender we can get the HoE Number down to 18.

Notes – Olivia d’Abo, who was 14 at the time, appeared nude in several scenes.

Olivia D’Abo said in an interview in 1986 that she matured physically at age 13, a year before making this movie. In fact she said director John Derek thought she had breast implants until she took her clothes off on set the first time and he saw her breasts were natural.

This film was the final nail in the coffin of The Cannon Group, Inc. and Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer deal that saw MGM distribute all of Cannon’s films in the U.S.

Rather than allow the film to be released with an X-rating, John Derek chose to release the film unrated instead. According to Wikipedia, “Bolero (1984) was released with no MPAA rating. Its nudity and sexual content disqualified it from an R rating. At the time of release, the NC-17 rating had not yet been established and the only higher rating being X, John Derek decided to release the film unrated. The film is officially on DVD with an R rating with no cuts.”

It was widely rumored in the media at the time of the film’s release that the final love scene wasn’t simulated.

For the horseback bullfighting scenes, the stars were doubled by brothers Ángel Peralta (Derek) and Rafael Peralta (Occhipinti).

According to Bo Derek, producer Menahem Golan would send her and John Derek memos to make the film more “erotic”. Derek would state that the film “was already erotic” enough.

Penultimate movie directed by John Derek. Ghosts Can’t Do It (1989) was his last.

According to Menahem Golan, the home video rights sold for $1.5 million.

Reportedly, writer and director John Derek had contractual final cut say rights over the picture.

Awards – Nominee for the Razzie Award for Worst Picture of the Decade (Bo Derek, 1990)

Winner for the Razzie Award for Worst Picture (Bo Derek, 1985)

Winner for the Razzie Award for Worst Actress (Bo Derek, 1985)

Winner for the Razzie Award for Worst Director (John Derek, 1985)

Winner for the Razzie Award for Worst Screenplay (John Derek, 1985)

Winner for the Razzie Award for Worst Musical Score (Peter Bernstein, Elmer Bernstein, 1985)

Winner for the Razzie Award for Worst New Star (Olivia d’Abo, 1985)

Nominee for the Razzie Award for Worst Supporting Actor (George Kennedy, 1985)

Nominee for the Razzie Award for Worst Supporting Actress (Olivia d’Abo, 1985)

Nominee for the Razzie Award for Worst New Star (Andrea Occhipinti, 1985)

Don’t Worry Darling Preview

Kyle sits in his study tapping his chin, deep in thought. It’s been over four years since the disappearance of the Bad Movie Twins. He opens his desk drawer to take a glance at the Dongle. It’s sat there untouched since that day. Jamie and Patrick spent every day of their lives trying to make sure it never fell into the wrong hands, yet he’s done nothing and nobody seems to care. Not a suspicious knock at his door, not a Predator, Demon box, or even Scott Bakula showing up on his doorstep. It’s been downright pleasant. “You looking at it again?” Rachel asks from the doorway. Kyle closes it quickly and smiles. “Yeah, I just… I don’t know what to do with it,” he says with a sad note in his voice, “I wish they were back so they could take it off my hands.” Rachel squeezes his shoulder and shakes her head. “No,” she says, “you just wish they were back.” It’s true. His life is great. Great wife, great kids, great house, and a hit Sexy Mannequin centric website that has taken him around the world. But every time he looks in that drawer he can’t help but think he failed them. “You didn’t fail them,” Rachel says firmly, “you’ll get them back. And if you don’t, it’s because they didn’t want to be found. It seems like it’s safer in your hands than it was in theirs.” Kyle nods. “Safer in our hands,” he corrects with a smile. And it’s true, but he’d never say it himself. He opens the drawer a crack one more time and steals a glance. After shutting it he promises he’ll never look at it again and this time he’ll keep that promise. “Don’t worry darling,” Rachel says… and he doesn’t. That’s right! We’re taking a little interlude for a classic BMT Live! Sometimes you gotta jump on the chance to see something even if it qualifies by the skin of its teeth. Don’t Worry Darling has had such a tumultuous press tour that it transformed from Oscar contender to BMT hopeful before our eyes. I’m excited. Let’s go!

Don’t Worry Darling (2022) – BMeTric: 20.9; Notability: 28

StreetCreditReport.com – BMeTric: top 11.2%; Notability: top 3.6%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 22.1%; Higher BMeT: Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Brazen, The Bubble, Moonfall, Firestarter, They/Them, Blacklight, Morbius, Me Time, Pinocchio, Spiderhead, Deep Water, Umma, Senior Year, The 355, Jurassic World Dominion, The Invitation, White Elephant, Samaritan, Memory, and 8 more; Higher Notability: Jurassic World Dominion, Pinocchio, Morbius, Amsterdam, The Bubble, Moonfall, Deep Water, The Man from Toronto, Spiderhead; Lower RT: After Ever Happy, Me Time, Blacklight, Firestarter, Brazen, White Elephant, Morbius, Paradise Highway, Home Team, The Bubble, The Man from Toronto, Senior Year, Murder at Yellowstone City, The 355, The Invitation, Pinocchio, Memory, Black Site, Alice, Jurassic World Dominion, and 11 more; Notes: The numbers will be a bit weird since it just came out. Notability is where it shines I suppose, which makes sense.

RogerEbert.com – 2.0 stars – The craft on display is impeccable, though, from the gleaming cinematography from Matthew Libatique (Darren Aronofsky’s usual collaborator) to the flawless production design from Katie Byron to the to-die-for costumes from Arianne Phillips. The excellent work of all those behind-the-scenes folks and others at least makes “Don’t Worry Darling” consistently watchable, all the way up to its non-ending of an ending. Let’s just say you’ll have questions afterward, and those post-movie conversations will probably be more thoughtful and stimulating than the movie itself.

(I basically agree with this review. It is very very competently made. But the ending is pretty silly and leaves more mostly dumb questions than actually interesting questions. But it also probably doesn’t end up here if not for the multiple controversies surrounding the production.)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bW9aRVXIwaY/

(It is a great trailer. Every time I saw it I figured this was going to be at the very worst a decent Oscar contender for some of the people involved. Alas, it probably misses. The only one I could imagine now is Pugh, but that is probably not in the cards because of her refusal to promote the film.)

Directors – Olivia Wilde – ( Known For: Booksmart; BMT: Don’t Worry Darling; Notes: Booksmart is awesome, and as an actress I always thought she was great (shoutout to The O.C.). Too bad this is her sophomore effort. Yeah … she publicly got served divorce papers while promoting this film and was dating Harry Styles while separated I think. That and having Shia LeBeouf quit and calling Pugh “Miss Flo” was part of the controversy surrounding the film.)

Writers – Katie Silberman – ( Known For: Booksmart; Set It Up; Isn’t It Romantic; BMT: Don’t Worry Darling; Notes: Seems to be making a career on making films that parody genres or turn them on their head. In a way this could have been no different, a take on The Stepford Wives, but seems to have fallen short.)

Carey Van Dyke and Shane Van Dyke – ( Known For: The Silence; BMT: Don’t Worry Darling; Chernobyl Diaries; Notes: Chernobyl Diaries to this? That is a bizarre trajectory. Oh and yeah, they are the grandsons of Dick Van Dyke.)

Actors – Florence Pugh – ( Known For: Midsommar; Little Women; Black Widow; The Wonder; Fighting with My Family; Outlaw King; Lady Macbeth; The Commuter; Malevolent; The Falling; BMT: Don’t Worry Darling; Notes: Her career is amazing. MCU, indie horror, indie adaptation of a beloved novel. Honestly a bit sad to see this as her first BMT. It is so borderline that without the drama it probably wouldn’t have qualified at all.)

Harry Styles – ( Known For: My Policeman; Eternals; Dunkirk; BMT: Don’t Worry Darling; Notes: Yeah, he’s really trying the acting thing. He is obviously famous as a singer, both solo and as part of One Direction, but he has been slowly building up his parts in real films. Yeah … he started dating Olivia Wilde during filming, and then possibly spit on Chris Pine during an awards ceremony. That about sums up the controversy surrounding the film.)

Chris Pine – ( Known For: All the Old Knives; Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse; Wonder Woman; The Contractor; Star Trek; Star Trek Beyond; Wonder Woman 1984; Hell or High Water; Outlaw King; Unstoppable; Into the Woods; Star Trek Into Darkness; Jack Ryan: Shadow Recruit; A Wrinkle in Time; The Finest Hours; Rise of the Guardians; Carriers; Bottle Shock; Z for Zachariah; People Like Us; Future BMT: The Princess Diaries 2: Royal Engagement; Smokin’ Aces; Horrible Bosses 2; Just My Luck; BMT: Don’t Worry Darling; This Means War; Notes: Chris Pine is great, although All the Old Knives? Not great, I watched that a few months ago. He felt like he was disappearing a bit recently. I do really hope he can get another Star Trek cooking at some point.)

Budget/Gross – $35 million / Domestic: $44,344,233 (Worldwide: $83,044,233)

(This is fine in the end. I think it certainly made up the budget. They were probably going for a $100 million worldwide take (something like $50 domestic), but it didn’t miss too badly.)

Rotten Tomatoes – 38% (120/315): Despite an intriguing array of talent on either side of the camera, Don’t Worry Darling is a mostly muddled rehash of overly familiar themes.

(Juuuuuust barely. It is almost a certainty without the controversy it would be sitting somewhere closer to 50%, which is where I think it would fairly sit in the end as well.)

Reviewer Highlight: A cheap parlor trick…Pugh gives her all to even the weakest scenes, but leading man Styles struggles to keep up. – Richard Roeper, Chicago Sun-Times

Poster – I’m Not Worried, You’re Worried

(This is my least favorite style of poster. Too old school. Never has a good color scheme. Font is terrible… but this is also how you sell your movie. Pugh is beautiful. Styles gets the ladies going. Everyone is rolling into the theater to see whatever that poster is promising. I grade that an SS… as in Sex Sells.)

Tagline(s) – Are you ready to live the life you deserve? (D+)

(Eeehhhhh. I don’t like that. I’m actually a little confused as to how it pertains to the actual movie. I mean, that’s not really the plot of the movie, before or after the twist. But that’s not the crime. The crime is that it’s boring.)

Keyword(s) – Year 2022

Top 10: The Batman (2022), The Kashmir Files (2022), Doctor Strange in the Multiverse of Madness (2022), Top Gun: Maverick (2022), Thor: Love and Thunder (2022), Everything Everywhere All at Once (2022), The Adam Project (2022), Uncharted (2022), The Northman (2022), The Gray Man (2022)

Future BMT: 62.2 Firestarter (2022), 61.8 Blacklight (2022), 52.0 Radhe Shyam (2022), 47.8 Umma (2022), 45.5 The 355 (2022), 44.2 Jurassic World Dominion (2022), 43.2 The Invitation (2022), 39.3 Memory (2022), 37.2 After Ever Happy (2022), 33.6 The King’s Daughter (2022), 7.1 Where the Crawdads Sing (2022)

BMT: Moonfall (2022), Morbius (2022), Don’t Worry Darling (2022)

(Decent haul this year, 14 films so far. Still far from the typical 30ish films we’d hope for as a minimum, but still better than we’d expect. The plot is useless because it is just a bit bar at 2022 and that’s it.)

Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 22) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Chris Pine is No. 3 billed in Don’t Worry Darling and No. 2 billed in This Means War, which also stars Reese Witherspoon (No. 1 billed) who is in Devil’s Knot (No. 1 billed) which also stars Bruce Greenwood (No. 9 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 6 billed) => (3 + 2) + (1 + 1) + (9 + 6) = 22. If we were to watch Legally Blonde 2: Red, White & Blonde we can get the HoE Number down to 16.

Notes – The hilltop headquarters of the Victory Corporation is the iconic “volcano house” in the Mojave Desert community of Newberry Springs, California. The house was owned by PBS television personality Huell Howser, who donated the house to Chapman University in 2012 shortly before his death.

Olivia Wilde originally wanted to play the lead role but decided to cast Florence Pugh after seeing her in Midsommar (2019).

Frank, the Victory Project’s leader, is shown living in Kaufmann House, one of the most well-known mid-century homes in the world. Although the Kaufmann House’s exterior has been shown at various times over the years in both film and TV, “Don’t Worry Darling” is the first film to feature scenes shot on the property itself, including several peeks at its rarely seen interiors.

While introducing the trailer to an audience at CinemaCon in April 2022, Olivia Wilde was angered when she was interrupted on stage by a process server handing her custody papers from her ex-fiancé Jason Sudeikis. Sudeikis responded later that he had no idea that was going to happen and said he’d never have condoned it being served in “such an inappropriate manner.”

Although the film is set in a place described only as “Victory Town” onscreen, it’s very clearly set – and its exteriors were filmed – in Palm Springs, California, from which most of its interior design is directly derived. The city has one of the largest caches of mid-century-modern (MCM) architecture & design in the world, and nearby every single visual element in the film draws heavily from the MCM aesthetic.

Reports of conflicts among the cast circulated the media for weeks leading up to the film’s premiere. Shia LaBeouf was originally cast as Jack but was replaced with Harry Styles in September 2020, one month before filming began. LaBeouf’s departure was first attributed to a scheduling conflict, but Variety reported in December that he was fired due to poor behavior and frequent clashes with Olivia Wilde and the cast, pointing out Wilde’s “zero asshole policy” and LaBeouf’s reputation for being difficult to work with. The controversy was revived in August 2022, when Wilde said in a Variety interview that LaBeouf’s process and style were too combative for the production while still wishing him well. LaBeouf then disputed the reports that he was fired, claiming that he quit despite Wilde’s efforts to keep him on. A video message in which Wilde asks LaBeouf not to quit the film while alluding to conflicts with Florence Pugh was leaked online. Rumors of tension between Wilde and Pugh were exacerbated after The Wrap reported that Pugh would not participate in the film’s press tour due to her commitments filming Dune: Part Two (2023).

In the script Bunny was present in the dinner table scene, but Olivia Wilde removed her character from the scene so she could direct from behind the camera.

This film’s script first appeared on the 2019 Black List. Olivia Wilde’s previous film Booksmart (2019) was also a Black List script.

Harry Styles and Olivia Wilde reportedly started dating while working on this film.

Apollo 18 Preview

Patrick stops his car in the parking lot of a local Bob’s Big Boy. He shudders at the thought of the unhealthy cuisine held within, but knows that’s just the Stallone talking. He looks over in the front seat at young Kyle and wonders how long the rap for kidnapping is in 1989. If Tango & Cash is any indication, jail isn’t a place for Sly Stallone. “Kid, I got a lot of explaining to do.” Over the next four hours or so he details the history of BMT and the role he eventually plays in it. By the end the child looks up at him in wonder. “Mr. Stallone,” he squeaks, “that’s a great story and all, but what am I supposed to do about it?” What indeed? As he looks around he sees an ad in the window of the Big Boy detailing “out of this world prices.” Out of the world? Space? Space and time! “Kid,” he says to Kyle, “buckle up cause we’re going galactic.”

“I’m sorry, I can’t help you,” Kyle says, concern etched on his face. At first he had listened to Jamie’s claim that he wasn’t actually Frank Stallone with curiosity, but when the Dongle came up his face darkened. Jamie doesn’t know what he can do, frustration builds until he does the only thing that comes naturally and belts out the first verse of Your Body is a Wonderland by John Mayer. Kyle is moved. Not only is the song a beautiful soft rock ode to the human form, but channeled through the voice of Frank Stallone it takes on an otherworldly beauty. Kyle stops in his tracks. When he turns Jamie sees tears in his eyes. “Alright,” he sighs, “but I can’t make any promises.” 

That’s right! We’re going galactic for the otherworldly beauty of Apollo 18, one of the lesser titles in the found footage surge we experienced following The Blair Witch Project. We are pairing that with a moon-centric straight-to-video horror The Dark Side of the Moon from 1990. Gotta love the moon… seriously, what are you some animal who hates the moon? It does so much for us and asks so little. Let’s go!

Apollo 18 (2011) – BMeTric: 59.0; Notability: 23

StreetCreditReport.com – BMeTric: top 6.8%; Notability: top 28.4%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 19.7%; Higher BMeT: Jack and Jill, The Human Centipede 2 (Full Sequence), Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance, Spy Kids 4: All the Time in the World, Shark Night, Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked, Big Mommas: Like Father, Like Son, Bucky Larson: Born to Be a Star, The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1, The Darkest Hour, The Roommate, Hellraiser: Revelations, Conan the Barbarian, Abduction, I Don’t Know How She Does It, Zookeeper, Hoodwinked Too! Hood vs. Evil; Higher Notability: Transformers: Dark of the Moon, Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides, Green Lantern, Cars 2, The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1, Hop, Your Highness, New Year’s Eve, Jack and Jill, The Smurfs, Battle Los Angeles, Red Riding Hood, Sucker Punch, Hoodwinked Too! Hood vs. Evil, I Am Number Four, The Hangover Part II, In Time, Johnny English Reborn, Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked, Season of the Witch, and 51 more; Lower RT: Hellraiser: Revelations, Faces in the Crowd, Jack and Jill, Bucky Larson: Born to Be a Star, The Roommate, A Little Bit of Heaven, Hick, Abduction, Big Mommas: Like Father, Like Son, Dream House, New Year’s Eve, Trespass, Red Riding Hood, Season of the Witch, Hoodwinked Too! Hood vs. Evil, Atlas Shrugged: Part I, The Darkest Hour, Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked, There Be Dragons, The Moth Diaries, and 27 more; Notes: Fantastic BMeTric there. We talking about Zookeeper level? That’s impressive.

Entertainment Weekly – D+ –  In space no one can hear you scream. Or groan. Apollo 18 hopes to tap into the same shivery, voyeuristic vein as its found-footage predecessors The Blair Witch Project and Paranormal Activity, but it doesn’t seem to understand how those films managed to get under our skin. While their half-a-shoestring budgets forced them to be inventive — transforming mundane sights like shaking tents and swinging doors into conductors of genuine fright — this purported documentary of the final, secret moon landing is just a Hollywood production playing pauper: the grainy 16mm film doesn?t mask the fact that the movie is put together with the same juddering editing and bad characterization as most traditionally shot thrillers.

(“I doubt many will be checking the far corners of their lunar modules.” And that right there’s the rub, right? Why is this scary when the monsters exist on the dark side of the moon and are so remote as to be unknown to even the biggest conspiracy nuts for 40 years?)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4RGhKzUUaME/

(Excuse me? In the years that followed there was unconfirmed evidence of Apollo 18. B-b-b-b-b-b-b-but the film itself purports that they got the evidence only after some hero posted it on the internet! Looks terrible.)

Directors – Gonzalo López-Gallego – ( Known For: Open Grave; The Hollow Point; El rey de la montaña; BMT: Apollo 18; Notes: He’s mostly an Editor. He, for example. Edited the BMT classic Backdraft 2 …)

Writers – Brian Miller – ( BMT: Apollo 18; Notes: There is literally nothing about this guy. He wrote and directed a short called Paracusia.)

Cory Goodman – ( Future BMT: Underworld: Blood Wars; BMT: The Last Witch Hunter; Priest; Apollo 18; Notes: Do yourself a favor and look at the posters for all of the movies this guy wrote … they look all the same. Dark with shades of blue/green.)

Actors – Warren Christie – ( Known For: Land; Gray Matters; Beneath; Magic Flute Diaries; BMT: This Means War; Apollo 18; Notes: Huh, he played Bruce Wayne in the Batwoman series. From Ireland.)

Lloyd Owen – ( Known For: The Man with the Iron Heart; Free Ride; Miss Potter; Thugs of Hindostan; The Republic of Love; BMT: Apollo 18; Notes: I thought I recognized him! He’s Elendil in Rings of Power! Funny. Didn’t recognize him without the beard.)

Ryan Robbins – ( Known For: Dangerous; Spectral; Life on the Line; Passengers; Coffee & Kareem; The Confirmation; Reasonable Doubt; Vampire; Scorched Earth; Wrecked; Boundaries; Liberty Stands Still; Stark Raving Mad; Manson, My Name Is Evil; Unrivaled; Marilyn; Cold Blooded; Future BMT: The Shack; BMT: Warcraft; Seventh Son; Walking Tall; Aliens vs. Predator: Requiem; Catwoman; Paycheck; Apollo 18; Notes: Mostly a television actor I think. He was in 26 episodes of Riverdale. Although, he is a seemingly big character names Zero in the Sniper series.)

Budget/Gross – $5,000,000 / Domestic: $17,687,709 (Worldwide: $26,236,153)

(And here you see why this film was made. A cool profit, easy peasy, and if it had ended up being even remotely good they’d be swimming in sequels and making money hand over fist.)

Rotten Tomatoes – 24% (18/75): A boring, suspense-free Paranormal Activity rip-off that feels long even at just 90 minutes.

(Oooooooooooof. Something feeling long at 90 minutes is a bad sign. And I HATE found footage already.)

Reviewer Highlight: Make no mistake, Apollo 18 is a *terrible* movie. – Keith Phipps, AV Club

Poster – Sklog-pollo 18

(I like the font, but like… come on. Even looking at the poster I’m thinking “you can’t be serious.” But they were… they were serious. C+.)

Tagline(s) – There’s a reason we’ve never gone back to the moon. (C+)

(Yeah… money. It does the job. Wish it was more clever.)

Keyword(s) – past

Top 10: The Shawshank Redemption (1994), Forrest Gump (1994), The Dark Knight Rises (2012), Django Unchained (2012), Gladiator (2000), Inglourious Basterds (2009), Saving Private Ryan (1998), Schindler’s List (1993), The Prestige (2006), Shutter Island (2010)

Future BMT: 88.6 BloodRayne (2005), 72.9 The Unborn (2009), 70.3 Texas Chainsaw (2013), 70.1 Black Christmas (2006), 69.7 Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III (1993), 65.8 The Woman in Black 2: Angel of Death (2014), 64.5 The Final Destination (2009), 62.1 The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor (2008), 59.7 Exorcist: The Beginning (2004), 57.6 Bolero (1984)

BMT: Epic Movie (2007), Superman IV: The Quest for Peace (1987), The Fog (2005), Movie 43 (2013), Super Mario Bros. (1993), Glitter (2001), Holmes & Watson (2018), The Master of Disguise (2002), The Legend of Hercules (2014), Grease 2 (1982), The Bye Bye Man (2017), Jonah Hex (2010), Freddy’s Dead: The Final Nightmare (1991), Wild Wild West (1999), Highlander: The Final Dimension (1994), The Ridiculous 6 (2015), Highlander: Endgame (2000), Black Knight (2001), Chernobyl Diaries (2012), A Nightmare on Elm Street 5: The Dream Child (1989), Cool World (1992), The Musketeer (2001), An American Haunting (2005), Apollo 18 (2011), Ishtar (1987), The Nun (2018), The Curse of La Llorona (2019), Pinocchio (2002), Hellraiser: Bloodline (1996), Bones (2001), Shanghai Surprise (1986), House of Wax (2005), Return to the Blue Lagoon (1991), Season of the Witch (2011), The Tuxedo (2002), Mannequin: On the Move (1991), Pompeii (2014), Ghost Ship (2002), Assassin’s Creed (2016), The Scarlet Letter (1995), Timeline (2003), Dolittle (2020), The Quest (1996), X-Men: Dark Phoenix (2019), Wagons East (1994), The Three Musketeers (2011), Diana (2013), Ben-Hur (2016), Rambo III (1988), Around the World in 80 Days (2004), The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning (2006), The Blue Lagoon (1980), Cutthroat Island (1995), Texas Rangers (2001), Sucker Punch (2011), Captain Corelli’s Mandolin (2001), Jobs (2013), Universal Soldier (1992), Dirty Dancing: Havana Nights (2004), Friday the 13th Part 2 (1981), Original Sin (2001), Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters (2013), American Outlaws (2001), Winter’s Tale (2014), Harlem Nights (1989), The Identical (2014), I Dreamed of Africa (2000), The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (2003), The Chamber (1996), The Marrying Man (1991), Wild Bill (1995), In Love and War (1996), Sleepaway Camp (1983), Gods and Generals (2003), The Lone Ranger (2013), X-Men Origins: Wolverine (2009), Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales (2017), Rambo: First Blood Part II (1985), Halloween II (1981), September Dawn (2007), Young Guns II (1990), Oscar (1991), Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides (2011), Evening (2007), The 13th Warrior (1999), White Comanche (1968), Gangster Squad (2013), Now and Then (1995), A Dog’s Purpose (2017)

Best Options (Horror): 88.6 BloodRayne (2005), 72.9 The Unborn (2009), 70.3 Texas Chainsaw (2013), 70.1 Black Christmas (2006), 65.8 The Woman in Black 2: Angel of Death (2014), 62.1 The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor (2008), 59.7 Exorcist: The Beginning (2004), 59.0 Apollo 18 (2011), 55.1 Annabelle (2014), 54.9 The Quiet Ones (2014),… (and many more)

(As you can see there were a lot of options. Probably the other one that we might have done would have been the notorious Exorcist: The Beginning, but Apollo 18, having come out the year we started BMT, has been on the table for so long we had to do it.)

Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 26) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Warren Christie is No. 2 billed in Apollo 18 and No. 7 billed in This Means War, which also stars Reese Witherspoon (No. 1 billed) who is in Devil’s Knot (No. 1 billed) which also stars Bruce Greenwood (No. 9 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 6 billed) => (2 + 7) + (1 + 1) + (9 + 6) = 26. If we were to watch Legally Blonde 2: Red, White & Blonde we can get the HoE Number down to 20.

Notes – This film was shot using old camera lenses from the 70s.

The prologue text at the beginning of the movie states that the documented footage of the secret Apollo 18 mission was uploaded to the website “www.lunartruth.com”. When the movie was in theaters, if you typed that address into your browser, it would redirect you to “apollo18movie.net”, which was the movie’s official website. Both sites have since been shut down.

This film has no score.

NASA’s liaison for multimedia, Bert Ulrich, has officially stated that “Apollo 18 is not a documentary … the film is a work of fiction.”

The actual Apollo 18 lunar mission flight crew would have been the Apollo 15 backup crew: Richard Gordon (Commander), Vance Brand (Command Module Pilot), and Harrison Schmitt (Lunar Module Pilot). Because of his expertise in geology, Schmitt was moved to Apollo 17 after Apollo 18, 19, and 20 were canceled.

Not screened in advance for critics.

Gerry Griffin, who worked as a Flight Director for every manned Apollo mission, is a technical advisor.

The release date was moved several times, from March 4, 2011 to April 22, 2011, then an almost entire year to January 6, 2012, then it was advanced to August 26, 2011 and finally was released on September 2, 2012.

An earlier version of the movie had giant moon rock monsters in it. Although they do not feature explicitly in the final cut, some brief glimpses of much larger rock spider creatures can be seen as the lunar rover carrying Captain Anderson (Warren Christie) and Lieutenant Walker (Lloyd Owen) flips over; and just before Walker is killed, a large shadow approaches him, and his body is quickly dragged away afterwards, suggesting a much larger creature.

Ben-Hur (2016) Preview

Patrick walks through campus deep in thought. Where do you go when you are Sly Stallone in 1989? He said ‘school’ so that’s where he went. People point and gawk at the sad lonely walk of a Sly Stallone. A crowd forms and soon he’s surrounded by looky loos. “Sly! Flex for us,” one shouts. “Yo, Adrian! Where’s Adrian?” another chides playfully. In a sudden panic he tries to escape the taunts, but he can’t break through. He cocks back his arm, ready to use his age-appropriate muscles crafted from years of exercise and eating well. Before he can pulverize an innocent fan he feels a tiny hand on his arm and a quiet voice asking “Sly, sir, may I get an autograph?” He looks down to see a child, no more than three or four. He’s dressed in the colors of the college, ready to root on his favorite team, “Gladiators” splashed across his chest. Patrick’s eyes widen. “Kyle?” he gasps.

Jamie walks through campus deep in thought. Frankie Jr. is popping b-gum (as the kids now call it) and strutting around the school. “Yo, pops, you’re cramping my style.” Jamie just murmurs sorry and continues to think. If he’s here, where is Patrick? Who is Patrick? He looks around in panic, suddenly gripped by paranoia. Who is anyone? He grabs a nearby student and screams, “Who are you?” much to the horror of Frankie Jr. He feels a hand on his shoulder and turns around, his arm cocked back, old skin drooping down from years of hard living. The principal stands in front of him, an old man with gray hair and beard. He’s dressed in the colors of the school, “The New Gladiators” splashes across his chest. Jamie’s eyes widen. “Kyle?” he gasps.

That’s right! It’s a double gladiator week as we catch the 2016 remake of Ben-Hur and pair it with an Italian sci-fi picture, The New Gladiators. Remaking Ben-Hur was always a mistake. It’s also appropriate we catch at least one Italian film in this cycle as they played such a big role in the type of future/action genre of the times. Let’s go!

Ben-Hur (2016) – BMeTric: 41.2; Notability: 61

StreetCreditReport.com – BMeTric: top 16.4%; Notability: top 4.4%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 20.4%; Higher BMeT: Fifty Shades of Black, Zoolander 2, Cell, The Forest, Exposed, Yoga Hosers, Meet the Blacks, Cabin Fever, Max Steel, The Darkness, Dark Crimes, Blair Witch, Independence Day: Resurgence, The 5th Wave, Urge, Shut In, Boo! A Madea Halloween, Gods of Egypt, Get a Job, The Assignment, and 21 more; Higher Notability: Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice, Suicide Squad, Zoolander 2, Independence Day: Resurgence, The Brothers Grimsby, Alice Through the Looking Glass, Warcraft, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Out of the Shadows, Allegiant, The Huntsman: Winter’s War, Ice Age: Collision Course; Lower RT: Cabin Fever, Dark Crimes, Term Life, Urge, Max Steel, Amateur Night, The Darkness, Fifty Shades of Black, Shut In, Misconduct, Mother’s Day, Exposed, The Do-Over, Get a Job, I.T., Dirty Grandpa, The Forest, Cell, Allegiant, The Choice, and 30 more; Notes: The notability is off the hook here. It’s 2016, so obviously there are going to be huge ones coming out around then, but it is near The Huntsman sequel? That’s big.

RogerEbert.com – 3.0 stars – Does the movie radically re-arrange both its source material and that material’s most famous adaptation? It sure as hell does. But I doubt that many contemporary viewers consider either of those as holy writ. This is a “Ben-Hur” of and for its time, but also a little better than its time, it turns out. I’m not qualified to say whether it’s an effective delivery system for its Christian message, but I think I can credibly pronounce it a good popcorn movie.

(My God. One of the big pluses for this film according to this review is: it’s shorter than the previous 4 hour epic. Alright. For the record I liked the previous adaptation. It is long, but has some really interesting stuff in it. Somehow I still doubt this stands up.)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gLJdzky63BA/

(Wow, the hard rock soundtrack is an interesting take. Also, absolutely nothing about Jesus in the whole trailer? Just hard core chariot action? I would be down if that were the case. Unfortunately, it is not.)

Directors – Timur Bekmambetov – ( Known For: Wanted; Profile; Night Watch; Day Watch; V2. Escape from Hell; The Arena; The Irony of Fate 2; Yolki 5; Six Degrees of Celebration; Yolki 1914; Peshawar Waltz; Future BMT: Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter; BMT: Ben-Hur; Notes: He was born in what is now Kazakhstan. Night Watch and Day Watch are a series about vampires that made him famous.)

Writers – Lew Wallace – ( Known For: Ben-Hur; Ben-Hur: A Tale of the Christ; BMT: Ben-Hur; Notes: He’s the author of the original book. He died in 1905. He was also the governor of the New Mexico Territory and later minister to Turkey besides being an author.)

Keith R. Clarke – ( Known For: The Way Back; BMT: Ben-Hur; Notes: Not much about him. He has an upcoming movie which sounds like Catch-22 but concerning redeployment to Afghanistan.)

John Ridley – ( Known For: 12 Years a Slave; Three Kings; U Turn; Needle in a Timestack; Red Tails; Undercover Brother; Jimi: All Is by My Side; Cold Around the Heart; BMT: Ben-Hur; Notes: He won an Oscar for 12 Years a Slave. He wrote a draft for Beverly Hills Cop 4 which apparently was rejected.)

Actors – Jack Huston – ( Known For: House of Gucci; The Irishman; American Hustle; Pride and Prejudice and Zombies; The Twilight Saga: Eclipse; Hail, Caesar!; Their Finest; Antebellum; Above Suspicion; Kill Your Darlings; Outlander; Factory Girl; Earthquake Bird; Shrink; Night Train to Lisbon; Shrooms; The Yellow Birds; Boogie Woogie; Not Fade Away; Mr. Nice; Future BMT: The Longest Ride; BMT: Ben-Hur; Notes: For a while I was convinced this was Jack Heston, as in a stunt cast to cast Charlton Heston’s son. Nope, this is Anjelica Huston’s nephew and thus John Huston’s grandson. Heston does have a son, he directed the box office bomb Alaska.)

Toby Kebbell – ( Known For: RocknRolla; Kong: Skull Island; War for the Planet of the Apes; Match Point; Dawn of the Planet of the Apes; Gold; Dead Man’s Shoes; A Monster Calls; War Horse; The Sorcerer’s Apprentice; Destroyer; Control; The East; The Conspirator; Chéri; The Angel; The Hurricane Heist; Held for Ransom; Wilderness; Becoming; Future BMT: Alexander; Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time; The Counselor; Wrath of the Titans; BMT: Fantastic Four; Warcraft; Bloodshot; Ben-Hur; Notes: He’s English and was nominated as a Rising Star at the BAFTAs.)

Rodrigo Santoro – ( Known For: 300; Love Actually; Focus; 300: Rise of an Empire; Rio; Project Power; Charlie’s Angels: Full Throttle; 7 Prisoners; The Last Stand; Rio 2; I Love You Phillip Morris; The 33; Jane Got a Gun; Pele: Birth of a Legend; Redbelt; Carandiru; There Be Dragons; Rio, I Love You; Last Call; Monica and Friends: Bonds; Future BMT: Post Grad; BMT: What to Expect When You’re Expecting; Ben-Hur; Notes: From Brazil, and most notable for his role in Westworld. He also was the voice of Stuart Little in the Brazilian dubbed version of both movies.)

Budget/Gross – $100,000,000 / Domestic: $26,410,477 (Worldwide: $94,061,311)

(My god, what a bomb. I’m telling you, they should have got James Cameron to do it. That would have been the way to make a Ben-Hur film.)

Rotten Tomatoes – 25% (47/191): How do you fight an idea? By filming a remake that has too few of its own, and tries to cover it up with choppy editing and CGI.

(Jamie had to point out to me that “how do you fight an idea” is a big part of the previous Ben-Hur film. I’ve seen that film. But I didn’t remember the quote. The Rotten Tomatoes consensus hitting that up hard in a tongue in cheek manner is weird, but at least now it makes sense to my brain instead of sounding like actual gibberish.)

Reviewer Highlight: Very rarely does it try to impress us, or overwhelm us, shock us, move us. – K. Austin Collins, The Ringer

Poster – Jesus: The Movie

(It’s an exciting picture from the film, but not exactly poster material. Nice font, though. Comes out just about even. C.)

Tagline(s) – Brother against brother. Slave against empire. (B)

(I can’t fault it for passing up the rule of three. Would have gotten pretty long if you tried to add another one. But needs something more to get to the next level. “Crime against God” doesn’t work, but that’s the kind of clever third entry they could have tried. Just merely good as it is.)

Keyword(s) – past

Top 10: The Shawshank Redemption (1994), Forrest Gump (1994), The Dark Knight Rises (2012), Django Unchained (2012), Gladiator (2000), Inglourious Basterds (2009), Saving Private Ryan (1998), Schindler’s List (1993), The Prestige (2006), Shutter Island (2010)

Future BMT: 88.6 BloodRayne (2005), 72.9 The Unborn (2009), 70.3 Texas Chainsaw (2013), 70.1 Black Christmas (2006), 69.7 Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III (1993), 65.8 The Woman in Black 2: Angel of Death (2014), 64.5 The Final Destination (2009), 62.1 The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor (2008), 59.7 Exorcist: The Beginning (2004), 59.0 Apollo 18 (2011)

BMT: Epic Movie (2007), Superman IV: The Quest for Peace (1987), The Fog (2005), Movie 43 (2013), Super Mario Bros. (1993), Glitter (2001), Holmes & Watson (2018), The Master of Disguise (2002), The Legend of Hercules (2014), Grease 2 (1982), The Bye Bye Man (2017), Jonah Hex (2010), Freddy’s Dead: The Final Nightmare (1991), Wild Wild West (1999), Highlander: The Final Dimension (1994), The Ridiculous 6 (2015), Highlander: Endgame (2000), Black Knight (2001), Chernobyl Diaries (2012), A Nightmare on Elm Street 5: The Dream Child (1989), Cool World (1992), The Musketeer (2001), An American Haunting (2005), Ishtar (1987), The Nun (2018), The Curse of La Llorona (2019), Pinocchio (2002), Hellraiser: Bloodline (1996), Bones (2001), Shanghai Surprise (1986), House of Wax (2005), Return to the Blue Lagoon (1991), Season of the Witch (2011), The Tuxedo (2002), Mannequin: On the Move (1991), Pompeii (2014), Ghost Ship (2002), Assassin’s Creed (2016), The Scarlet Letter (1995), Timeline (2003), Dolittle (2020), The Quest (1996), X-Men: Dark Phoenix (2019), Wagons East (1994), The Three Musketeers (2011), Diana (2013), Ben-Hur (2016), Rambo III (1988), Around the World in 80 Days (2004), The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning (2006), The Blue Lagoon (1980), Cutthroat Island (1995), Texas Rangers (2001), Sucker Punch (2011), Captain Corelli’s Mandolin (2001), Jobs (2013), Universal Soldier (1992), Dirty Dancing: Havana Nights (2004), Friday the 13th Part 2 (1981), Original Sin (2001), Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters (2013), American Outlaws (2001), Winter’s Tale (2014), Harlem Nights (1989), The Identical (2014), I Dreamed of Africa (2000), The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (2003), The Chamber (1996), The Marrying Man (1991), Wild Bill (1995), In Love and War (1996), Sleepaway Camp (1983), Gods and Generals (2003), The Lone Ranger (2013), X-Men Origins: Wolverine (2009), Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales (2017), Rambo: First Blood Part II (1985), Halloween II (1981), September Dawn (2007), Young Guns II (1990), Oscar (1991), Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides (2011), Evening (2007), The 13th Warrior (1999), White Comanche (1968), Gangster Squad (2013), Now and Then (1995), A Dog’s Purpose (2017)

Best Options (Action): 88.6 BloodRayne (2005), 69.7 Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III (1993), 64.5 The Final Destination (2009), 62.1 The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor (2008), 56.7 Robin Hood (2018), 53.7 Spy Hard (1996), 50.1 The Last Legion (2007), 48.2 You Don’t Mess with the Zohan (2008), 48.0 Alexander (2004), 47.9 King Solomon’s Mines (1985), 47.7 The Dark Tower (2017), 47.1 Bad Girls (1994), 45.9 Samson (2018), 45.5 Operation Dumbo Drop (1995), 45.3 Red Scorpion (1988), 44.6 G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra (2009), 43.6 Top Dog (1995), 43.5 Missing in Action (1984), 43.3 The Kitchen (2019), 43.2 Iron Eagle (1986), 42.5 Pan (2015), 41.3 Ben-Hur (2016), 40.9 The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen (2003), 40.3 End of Days (1999), 40.2 The Delta Force (1986), (and many more)

(We went far down here, but actually really like … look at the options. The only other one I could have maybe went for was the other notorious bomb, Alexander. There are just so many films sent in the past that are terrible.)

Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 18) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Morgan Freeman is No. 4 billed in Ben-Hur and No. 1 billed in Kiss the Girls, which also stars Ashley Judd (No. 2 billed) who is in The Identical (No. 2 billed) which also stars Ray Liotta (No. 3 billed) who is in In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale (No. 2 billed) which also stars Leelee Sobieski (No. 3 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 1 billed) => (4 + 1) + (2 + 2) + (3 + 2) + (3 + 1) = 18. If we were to watch Just Getting Started we can get the HoE Number down to 16.

Notes – Director Timur Bekmambetov insisted that the chariot circus be built for real, and be realized with as little computer graphics imagery as possible. He felt it was absolutely necessary to make the chariot race look and feel realistic.

This version of the story is 87 minutes shorter than the previous version, Ben-Hur (1959).

Timur Bekmambetov explained the film’s adaptation in an interview with “Collider”: “When we say ‘original “Ben-Hur”,’ we have to be very concrete about which original version we are talking about. There were two big-screen versions made, in 1925 [Ben-Hur: A Tale of the Christ (1925)] and 1959 [Ben-Hur (1959)]. These are the two most famous ones. There was also a Broadway stage version at the beginning of the 20th century. There have been a lot of television versions. The Ben-Hur story reminds me of ‘Romeo and Juliet’, ‘Hamlet’ and any story written by [Anton Chekhov]. It is timeless, so every new generation wants to go back to it in order to adapt it for the new world. The screen version made in 1959 runs for four hours, and there [are] only a small number of people who can actually stay through the whole movie. It is about people different from us. And it’s normal, because people used to be different. The audience was different, too, as well as the cinema language the film was made in. The 1959 movie was about revenge, not about forgiveness. For me that was the main problem, as I think that the novel is mainly about forgiveness, about the fact that a human being learned how to forgive. I got so excited about the project when I read John Ridley’s script. I understood that John’s vision of the story has so much light to it, and that he shares the same thoughts about certain morals as I do. We talked with him about our modern world, which actually reminds me very much of a huge Roman Empire. In the Roman Empire the most important values were pride, rivalry, power, strength, the dictatorship of power and self-love. This kind of world does not have any prospects today. Humanity has to learn how to love and forgive. This would be our only solution.”

The film was originally set for release on February 26, 2016. In October 2015 it was pushed back to August 12, 2016.

Grease 2 Preview

Patrick looks around. Not only is the Dongle nowhere in sight, but neither is Jamie. He shivers. They’ve been separated a number of times during their adventures, and it usually didn’t turn out great. It would appear he is in a big old house, but before he can fully get his bearings he’s interrupted by a coy “yoo hoo.” When he turns his mouth goes dry. A very beautiful lady wearing an indecent amount of clothes is beckoning him. “Come back to bed, Sly,” she coos, further startling Patrick. He grabs one of the many nearby hand mirrors and screams in terror. Staring back at him is none other than Sly Stallone! Shaking out a nearby New York Times he finds a surprisingly good review for Speed Zone. My word, it’s 1989. “Where are you going?” yells the beautiful lady incredulously. He tries to think fast as he throws on whatever clothes can fit on his monstrous body. “Uh, school,” he sputters dumbly, stumbling out of the door.

Jamie looks around. Not only is the Dongle nowhere in sight, but neither is Patrick. Well, when the Patricks are away, the Jamies will play. The house he’s in is pretty dope and he can’t help but bump some tunes while making a few sandwiches. Through a mouthful of ‘wich he starts to sing along but is startled to hear what comes out. His voice has always been good… but not THIS GOOD. He rushes to the bathroom and gasps. He’s Frank Stallone… and he’s looking pretty rough. A teenage boy turns the corner and dumbly says, “Yo, Daddio, heading out for the first day of school. Senior year is gonna rock!” Jamie gasps again. His son is wearing a Class of 2031 shirt. He’s Frank Stallone and he’s 80 years old.

That’s right! We are fully transitioning to our Bring a Friend split story where on one side we are heading into the past. And on the other (smaller) side we are heading to the future. This time we are heading back to school with the one-two punch of Grease 2 and Class of 1999. Good combo as on one side we have a stark apocalyptic vision of high school life and on the other we have Class of 1999. Let’s go!

Grease 2 (1982) – BMeTric: 74.8; Notability: 44

StreetCreditReport.com – BMeTric: top 0.0%; Notability: top 1.6%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 11.1%; Higher Notability: Young Doctors in Love, Firefox, Trail of the Pink Panther, Movie Madness; Lower RT: Megaforce, Class Reunion, Movie Madness, The Dorm That Dripped Blood, Monsignor, The Toy, Zapped!, Friday the 13th Part III, Five Days One Summer, Parasite, The Beast Within, Losin’ It, Amityville II: The Possession, Vigilante, Fighting Back, Trail of the Pink Panther, Summer Lovers, Wrong Is Right, Lookin’ to Get Out, Young Doctors in Love, and 2 more; Notes: Wow, the BMeTric is really gaudy, especially for 1982. I sometimes forget just how well known this is as a bad movie.

RogerEbert.com – 2.0 stars – If ever there was a time for a punk “Grease,” that time is now. The original “Grease” was born all those many years ago as an affectionate memory of a Chicago high school in the 1950s. It went through a lot of changes on Its way through Broadway to Hollywood, but at least when John Travolta whipped out his pocket comb and slicked back his hair, we knew we were in the right era.

(Actually … that is a pretty good point Ebert. It would have made perfect sense to flash forward to like the 70s and have people’s children be the main characters, and other main characters from the original as teachers and junk. Basically Rock and Roll High School I suppose.)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WQTUEj-TqLo

(That is quite the trailer. Like … the whole movie? You see probably two thirds of the songs in some capacity. The reproduction song is absurd.)

Directors – Patricia Birch – ( BMT: Grease 2; Notes: Won two Emmy for Great Performances, and was nominated for five Tonys for best choreography (including for Grease).)

Writers – Ken Finkleman – ( Known For: Airplane II: The Sequel; Illegally Yours; Future BMT: Who’s That Girl; Head Office; BMT: Grease 2; Razzie Notes: Nominee for Worst Screenplay for Who’s That Girl in 1988; Notes: Nominated for an Emmy for Van Dyke and Company. Created The Newsroom among other things on television.)

Jim Jacobs and Warren Casey – ( Known For: Grease; BMT: Grease 2; Notes: They wrote the book for Grease on Broadway and they get Grease credits based on that.)

Actors – Michelle Pfeiffer – ( Known For: Avengers: Endgame; Scarface; Mother!; Murder on the Orient Express; Stardust; What Lies Beneath; Batman Returns; The Prince of Egypt; Ant-Man and the Wasp; Hairspray; The Witches of Eastwick; Dangerous Liaisons; The Age of Innocence; Ladyhawke; The Deep End of the Ocean; A Midsummer Night’s Dream; Wolf; Frankie and Johnny; White Oleander; Married to the Mob; Future BMT: Dark Shadows; The Family; Maleficent: Mistress of Evil; I Am Sam; Up Close & Personal; The Story of Us; To Gillian on Her 37th Birthday; BMT: Grease 2; Dangerous Minds; New Year’s Eve; A Thousand Acres; Notes: A very early credit for her, she would break out the next year with Scarface. Nominated for three Oscars for Dangerous Liaisons, The Fabulous Baker Boys, and Love Field. Dangerous Liaisons is what Cruel Intentions is based on.)

Maxwell Caulfield – ( Known For: Empire Records; Gettysburg; Electric Dreams; The Boys Next Door; Sundown: The Vampire in Retreat; Accident; Waxwork II: Lost in Time; Dance with Death; The Real Blonde; Oblivion 2: Backlash; Mind Games; Facing the Enemy; The Supernaturals; Submerged; Fatal Sky; Future BMT: The Man Who Knew Too Little; Calendar Girl; BMT: Grease 2; Notes: British. He was actually in quite a few American movies before going back to England to work on ITV shows and such. Probably most famously Casualty, which is a huge show.)

Lorna Luft – ( Known For: Where the Boys Are; I Could Go on Singing; Future BMT: 54; My Giant; BMT: Grease 2; Notes: Nominated for an Emmy for producing Life with Judy Garland: Me and My Shadows. She is, in fact, Judy Garland’s daughter.)

Budget/Gross – $11.2 million / Domestic: $15,171,476 (Worldwide: $15,171,476)

(That isn’t great. At least, no way they were expecting such a return for the sequel to Grease. I think I see the issue though … the movie doesn’t have good songs.)

Rotten Tomatoes – 35% (15/43): Grease 2 is undeniably stocked with solid songs and well-choreographed dance sequences, but there’s no getting around the fact that it’s a blatant retread of its far more entertaining predecessor.

(SOLID SONGS?! This movie is “stocked” with solid songs? That is what we are going with. Absurd! I’ve seen the film. The songs are, bar one or two, pretty terrible.)

Reviewer Highlight: Grease 2 is dizzy and slight, with an even more negligible plot than its predecessor had. This time the story can’t even masquerade as an excuse for stringing the songs together. – Janet Maslin, New York Times

Poster – Grease 2: This Time They’re Lame

(I guess it’s a classic take on a poster, but it doesn’t mean I have to like it. What a difference a sequel makes. The first film you get Travolta and ONJ. Electric. This time you have Pfeiffer, sure, but then anonymous random dude #4. What a let down. C-)

Tagline(s) – The Music and Feeling go on Forever (D)

(I don’t know what that means, and you know what? I don’t care to find out.)

Keyword(s) – past

Top 10: The Shawshank Redemption (1994), Forrest Gump (1994), The Dark Knight Rises (2012), Django Unchained (2012), Gladiator (2000), Inglourious Basterds (2009), Saving Private Ryan (1998), Schindler’s List (1993), The Prestige (2006), Shutter Island (2010)

Future BMT: 88.6 BloodRayne (2005), 72.9 The Unborn (2009), 70.3 Texas Chainsaw (2013), 70.1 Black Christmas (2006), 69.7 Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III (1993), 65.8 The Woman in Black 2: Angel of Death (2014), 64.5 The Final Destination (2009), 62.1 The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor (2008), 59.7 Exorcist: The Beginning (2004), 59.0 Apollo 18 (2011) … (and many more)

BMT: Epic Movie (2007), Superman IV: The Quest for Peace (1987), The Fog (2005), Movie 43 (2013), Super Mario Bros. (1993), Glitter (2001), Holmes & Watson (2018), The Master of Disguise (2002), The Legend of Hercules (2014), Grease 2 (1982), The Bye Bye Man (2017), Jonah Hex (2010), Freddy’s Dead: The Final Nightmare (1991), Wild Wild West (1999), Highlander: The Final Dimension (1994), The Ridiculous 6 (2015), Highlander: Endgame (2000), Black Knight (2001), Chernobyl Diaries (2012), A Nightmare on Elm Street 5: The Dream Child (1989), Cool World (1992), The Musketeer (2001), An American Haunting (2005), Ishtar (1987), The Nun (2018), The Curse of La Llorona (2019), Pinocchio (2002), Hellraiser: Bloodline (1996), Bones (2001), Shanghai Surprise (1986), House of Wax (2005), Return to the Blue Lagoon (1991), Season of the Witch (2011), The Tuxedo (2002), Mannequin: On the Move (1991), Pompeii (2014), Ghost Ship (2002), Assassin’s Creed (2016), The Scarlet Letter (1995), Timeline (2003), Dolittle (2020), The Quest (1996), X-Men: Dark Phoenix (2019), Wagons East (1994), The Three Musketeers (2011), Diana (2013), Rambo III (1988), Around the World in 80 Days (2004), The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning (2006), The Blue Lagoon (1980), Cutthroat Island (1995), Texas Rangers (2001), Sucker Punch (2011), Captain Corelli’s Mandolin (2001), Jobs (2013), Universal Soldier (1992), Dirty Dancing: Havana Nights (2004), Friday the 13th Part 2 (1981), Original Sin (2001), Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters (2013), American Outlaws (2001), Winter’s Tale (2014), Harlem Nights (1989), The Identical (2014), I Dreamed of Africa (2000), The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (2003), The Chamber (1996), The Marrying Man (1991), Wild Bill (1995), In Love and War (1996), Sleepaway Camp (1983), Gods and Generals (2003), The Lone Ranger (2013), X-Men Origins: Wolverine (2009), Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales (2017), Rambo: First Blood Part II (1985), Halloween II (1981), September Dawn (2007), Young Guns II (1990), Oscar (1991), Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides (2011), Evening (2007), The 13th Warrior (1999), White Comanche (1968), Gangster Squad (2013), Now and Then (1995), A Dog’s Purpose (2017)

Best Options (Comedy): 76.6 Grease 2 (1982), 69.7 Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III (1993), 57.6 Bolero (1984), 54.5 Snow Dogs (2002), 53.7 Spy Hard (1996), 52.9 Porky’s Revenge (1985), 51.8 My Girl 2 (1994), 51.5 Porky’s II: The Next Day (1983), 48.2 You Don’t Mess with the Zohan (2008), 47.9 King Solomon’s Mines (1985) … (and many more)

(We’re in the past, baby! Actually a really hard concept to define. I ended up defining it as a collection of about 900 wikipedia pages, mostly things like “films set in the 14th century” and such. For the category most part I think it does pretty well, although undeniably there are films which merely have a prologue set in the past, but the bulk of the film is not. I think The Final Destination fits into that category. Anyways, we got the top comedy here.)

Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 13) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Michelle Pfeiffer is No. 2 billed in Grease 2 and No. 2 billed in New Year’s Eve, which also stars Robert De Niro (No. 1 billed) who is in Righteous Kill (No. 1 billed) which also stars Al Pacino (No. 2 billed) who is in 88 Minutes (No. 1 billed) which also stars Leelee Sobieski (No. 3 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 1 billed) => (2 + 2) + (1 + 1) + (2 + 1) + (3 + 1) = 13. If we were to watch The Family we can get the HoE Number down to 13.

Notes – “Do It For Our Country” is a duet between Sharon and Louis. Maureen Teefy couldn’t make it to the recording session, so Peter Frechette had to sing the whole song himself, which is why Maureen’s vocals aren’t on the movie’s soundtrack. Her voice was dubbed in later in the song

According to Maxwell Caulfield’s stunt double Gary Davis, Michelle Pfeiffer performed her own stunts in the famous Lone Rider/Stephanie romantic motorcycle ride. “She sat behind me, then I lifted her around to where she straddled me, and then we wheelie’d away. She was wonderful the whole time.”

Michelle Pfeiffer’s first major starring role. 

Michelle Pfeiffer and Maxwell Caulfield did not get along during filming. A few years after the film was released, Caulfield said in an interview that they “got along infamously.” Pfeiffer claimed in an interview that Maxwell was “self-adoring.”

Though the connection was never acknowledged in the movie, Johnny Nogerelli was originally intended to be the cousin of Danny Zuko from the first film. But Michael was Sandy’s cousin, and the writers thought there were too many similarities.

John Travolta and Dame Olivia Newton-John met with the studio to discuss reprising their roles, but weren’t pursued further after the initial conference.

The film damaged Maxwell Caulfield’s career severely. He has been quoted as saying, “Before Grease 2 came out, I was being hailed as the next Richard Gere or John Travolta. However, when Grease 2 flopped, nobody would touch me. It felt like a bucket of cold water had been thrown in my face. It took me 10 years to get over Grease 2.”

Original plans were for this to be the second installment in a franchise of four movies and a TV series. When the movie flopped, plans for a franchise were thrown out. Disney ended up adapting the unused script for the third movie, which became High School Musical (2006).

The theatrical feature film debut for Lorna Luft, daughter of Judy Garland, and half-sister of Liza Minnelli.

Patricia Birch was the dance choreographer for the original Grease (1978) having also choreographed the source stage musical. Publicity for this sequel stated that it was the first time a female choreographer had become a film director. This movie was her directorial debut, and her only theatrical film directing credit.

The film had 500 cast members.

Oscar Preview

“This is your original sin,” Mikey says, staring daggers at Jamie and Patrick. “You have to pick it up,” he continues, “pick it up so I can finally end this.” It would seem the chase has finally driven Mikey mad. Jamie and Patrick rack their brains. If they don’t pick it up Mikey will surely shoot them anyways. Perhaps their only chance is to hope their lightning quick reflexes can turn the tables on him at the last moment. Sweat drips down their abs as they reach for the Dongle. Suddenly the door bursts open and Kyle and the past bad movie twins rush in. “Not so fast!” screams Kyle. Mikey seems momentarily flummoxed. “But… but the Gram told me you were in Greece!” he cries in disbelief. Kyle shrugs slyly. “Greece is for the birds,” he says, trying out a new catchphrase where he declared various things are “for the birds.” This further flummoxes Mikey. With a double flummox in place Jamie and Patrick see their chance and grab for the Dongle. But just as they grasp it in their hands they realize that it’s not just two hands on the Dongle… it’s four! Jamie and Patrick stare at their past selves simultaneously in possession of the Dongle. They turn to look at Mikey, whose eyes widen in horror. Kyle, realizing that maybe the Dongle is decidedly not for the birds, quickly grabs for the Dongle as well just as the world disappears in a flash of brilliant white. Rubbing his eyes, Kyle looks around. He is now alone in the apartment, Mikey having been disintegrated by the temporal paradox experienced by the Dongle and the twins… gone. He looks down at the Dongle in his hand and knows they are still alive… somewhere… somewhen? That’s right! We are transitioning to the climactic penultimate cycle of the year with the recent tradition of running a Bring a Friend cycle. This year it’ll be films set in the past paired with nonqualifying films set in the future. Get ready for some postapocalyptic bullshit. To start we are going for a classic Sly Stallone vehicle, Oscar, paired with Arena, a very fun looking alien boxing movie. Let’s go!

Oscar (1991) – BMeTric: 17.2; Notability: 47

StreetCreditReport.com – BMeTric: top 23.2%; Notability: top 4.8%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 5.0%; Higher BMeT: Freddy’s Dead: The Final Nightmare, Cool as Ice, Problem Child 2, Critters 3, Child’s Play 3, Nothing But Trouble, Suburban Commando, Return to the Blue Lagoon, Mannequin: On the Move, Kickboxer 2: The Road Back, Double Impact, King Ralph, Zandalee, Beastmaster 2: Through the Portal of Time, Hudson Hawk, V.I. Warshawski, House Party 2, The Butcher’s Wife, Curly Sue, Drop Dead Fred, and 38 more; Higher Notability: Hook, Hudson Hawk, Mobsters, Switch, Rock-A-Doodle, Flight of the Intruder, Life Stinks, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze, Out for Justice, The Marrying Man, Necessary Roughness, The Five Heartbeats; Lower RT: Return to the Blue Lagoon, Critters 3, The Super, Run, Cool as Ice, Another You, Mobsters, All I Want for Christmas, Problem Child 2, The Marrying Man, Strictly Business, Drop Dead Fred; Notes: The IMDb rating of 6.5 is crazy high. The European Remake cycle has been wild with some of these. For a 1991 comedy the notability is pretty high.

Leonard Maltin – 2.5 stars –  Stallone is surprisingly enjoyable in a comic change-of-pace, playing 1930s gangster Angelo “Snaps” Provolone, who’s trying to go straight, despite the domestic and financial chaos that surrounds him. Farcical comedy, complete with mistaken identities and slamming doors, offers showcases for Palminteri as Snaps’ henchman, Curry as a priggish speech teacher, Bracken as a stuttering stoolie, and Shearer and Ferrero as the Finuccis but never quite takes wing. Based on a French play, filmed before in 1967 with Louis de Funes.

(Surprisingly solid review by Leonard. Although, I suppose it isn’t that surprising once you consider that Maltin is a sucker for old Hollywood in many regards. It does seem like something he would ultimately appreciate.)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QbfVZBsgC4s/ 

(Huh, kind of an odd trailer. Since that is only one of three or four plots floating around in this film. The actual plot is that Snaps is trying to go straight, but everything in his life (on this particular day) seems to be trying to stop him from doing so. His daughter’s potential marriage is just one of those things.)

Directors – John Landis – ( Known For: National Lampoon’s Animal House; The Blues Brothers; Coming to America; Trading Places; An American Werewolf in London; Three Amigos!; Twilight Zone: The Movie; The Kentucky Fried Movie; Blues Brothers 2000; Amazon Women on the Moon; Into the Night; Burke and Hare; Schlock; Susan’s Plan; Future BMT: Spies Like Us; Innocent Blood; The Stupids; BMT: Beverly Hills Cop III; Oscar; Razzie Notes: Nominee for Worst Director in 1992 for Oscar; in 1995 for Beverly Hills Cop III; and in 1997 for The Stupids; Notes: He won an Emmy for Mr. Warmth: The Don Rickles Project. Probably, sadly, most notable for directing the segment of The Twilight Zone Movie where several people were killed in a helicopter stunt.)

Writers – Claude Magnier – ( Known For: Oscar; Jo; Where Were You When the Lights Went Out?; Oskar; BMT: Oscar; Notes: A playwright, he wrote the play which both the French original and this are based on.)

Michael Barrie – ( Known For: Bad Boys; Amazon Women on the Moon; …All the Marbles; BMT: Oscar; Notes: The writing partner with Mulholland. He is not in the film though.)

Jim Mulholland – ( Known For: Bad Boys; Amazon Women on the Moon; …All the Marbles; BMT: Oscar; Notes: He actually plays the titular Oscar who is only seen for a moment at the end of the film. He has 20 Emmy nominations, for The Tonight Show and The Late Show. Amazingly, they never won.)

Actors – Sylvester Stallone – ( Known For: The Suicide Squad; Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2; Rocky; The Expendables; First Blood; Cliffhanger; The Expendables 2; Creed; Rocky III; Cop Land; Creed II; Escape Plan; Spy Kids 3: Game Over; Rocky Balboa; Death Race 2000; Eye See You; Rocky II; The Lords of Flatbush; Antz; Escape Plan 2: Hades; Future BMT: Rocky IV; Staying Alive; Rocky V; Assassins; Ratchet & Clank; BMT: The Expendables 3; Rambo; Rambo: Last Blood; Rambo: First Blood Part II; Demolition Man; Cobra; Over the Top; Tango & Cash; Rambo III; The Specialist; Judge Dredd; Daylight; Oscar; Lock Up; Driven; Get Carter; Zookeeper; Grudge Match; Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot; Rhinestone; Razzie Notes: Winner for Worst Director, and Worst Actor for Rocky IV in 1986; Winner for Worst Screenplay, and Worst Actor for Rambo: First Blood Part II in 1986; Winner for Worst Actor in 1985 for Rhinestone; in 1989 for Rambo III; and in 1993 for Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot; Winner for Worst Supporting Actor for Spy Kids 3: Game Over in 2004; Winner for Worst Screen Couple in 1995 for Interview with the Vampire: The Vampire Chronicles, and The Specialist; Winner for Worst Actor of the Decade in 1990 for Cobra, Cobra, Lock Up, Lock Up, Over the Top, Over the Top, Rambo III, Rambo III, Rambo: First Blood Part II, Rambo: First Blood Part II, Rhinestone, Rocky IV, and Tango & Cash; Nominee for Worst Director for The Expendables in 2011; Nominee for Worst Screenplay in 1985 for Rhinestone; in 1986 for Rocky IV; in 1987 for Cobra; in 1989 for Rambo III; in 1991 for Rocky V; in 1994 for Cliffhanger; in 2002 for Driven; and in 2020 for Rambo: Last Blood; Nominee for Worst Actor in 1987 for Cobra; in 1988 for Over the Top; in 1990 for Lock Up, and Tango & Cash; in 1991 for Rocky V; in 1992 for Oscar; in 1995 for The Specialist; in 1996 for Assassins, and Judge Dredd; in 1997 for Daylight; in 2001 for Get Carter; in 2014 for Bullet to the Head, Escape Plan, and Grudge Match; and in 2020 for Rambo: Last Blood; Nominee for Worst Supporting Actor, and Worst Screen Couple for Driven in 2002; Nominee for Worst Supporting Actor for An Alan Smithee Film: Burn Hollywood Burn in 1999; and Nominee for Worst Screen Combo for Rambo: Last Blood in 2020; Notes: He has a television show coming out, which I think is crazy. Tulsa King.)

Ornella Muti – ( Known For: Flash Gordon; The Heart Is Deceitful Above All Things; To Rome with Love; Appassionata; The Last Woman; Storie di ordinaria follia; Oasis of Fear; Swann in Love; La stanza del vescovo; Romanzo popolare; The Girl from Trieste; Hotel; Death of a Corrupt Man; Madly in Love; Il bisbetico domato; La moglie più bella; First Love; Magical Nights; Love & Money; Viva Italia!; Future BMT: Once Upon a Crime…; BMT: Oscar; Notes: Italian. She was voted the most beautiful woman in the world in 1994 in a poll.)

Peter Riegert – ( Known For: National Lampoon’s Animal House; The Mask; Traffic; We Bought a Zoo; Local Hero; Pie in the Sky; American Pastoral; At Middleton; Crossing Delancey; A Shock to the System; A Man in Love; Movie Madness; Infinity; Americathon; Coldblooded; Passed Away; Passion of Mind; That’s Adequate; The Object of Beauty; Chilly Scenes of Winter; BMT: Oscar; Notes: Was nominated for an Oscar for a short film By Courier, and for an Emmy for Barbarians at the Gate. Still working, a recent notable role in Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt.)

Budget/Gross – $35 million / Domestic: $23,562,716 (Worldwide: $23,562,716)

(Yeah, this is considered a catastrophic bomb for a reason. That is a very bad performance indeed. I’m a bit surprised they didn’t release the film into France and Italy though. I think they could have gotten a bit from both places. This is very French humor at the time.)

Rotten Tomatoes – 12% (2/17)

(Oh, I get to make a consensus: Stallone isn’t funny. That’s the be all and end all of the reviews on that page really.)

Reviewer Highlight: Sylvester Stallone isn’t completely without a sense of humor (he showed a comic instinct in Rocky), but the last place he belongs is at the center of a classically structured farce – Owen Gleiberman, Entertainment Weekly

Poster – Sklogster

(This is a very funny poster. Artistic in an old timey way. It also doesn’t make a lot of sense. They make it seem like the film is a race against time. But not really… it just happens to be the day of a big meeting for “Snaps” Provolone. Font is meh, but overall aesthetic is good. B-.)

Tagline(s) – In crime and comedy, timing is everything. (C)

 Gangster “Snaps” Provolone has until noon to become an honest man. (D-)

(I feel like they were almost there with a timing is everything riff. It would have been better if it was just that, really. But adding more words they take away some of the punch. The second is bad. Like that’s just a phrase about what the movie is about (kind of)… like would appear in the Leonard Maltin book or something.)

Keyword(s) – European Remake

Top 10: 12 Monkeys (1995), The Italian Job (2003), Insomnia (2002), Scent of a Woman (1992), Clash of the Titans (2010), Some Like It Hot (1959), Vanilla Sky (2001), True Lies (1994), Dawn of the Dead (2004), The Tourist (2010)

Future BMT: 54.5 Eye of the Beholder (1999), 54.0 Downhill (2020), 49.2 The Omen (2006), 44.8 Catch That Kid (2004), 43.1 Diabolique (1996), 43.0 Village of the Damned (1995), 41.8 I Think I Love My Wife (2007), 41.2 Clash of the Titans (2010), 41.2 Mixed Nuts (1994), 39.8 Intersection (1994)

BMT: The Wicker Man (2006), Taxi (2004), The Haunting (1999), Get Carter (2000), Jungle 2 Jungle (1997), Pathfinder (2007), Fathers’ Day (1997), Nine Months (1995), The Big Wedding (2013), Brick Mansions (2014), Sleepless (2017), The Blue Lagoon (1980), School for Scoundrels (2006), Original Sin (2001), Blame It on Rio (1984), The Loft (2014), Oscar (1991), Vanilla Sky (2001), Wicker Park (2004)

Best Options (past): 21.7 The New Adventures of Pippi Longstocking (1988), 17.2 Oscar (1991), 15.6 Jakob the Liar (1999), 8.9 The Thirteenth Floor (1999)

(Obviously the transition is going to be a tough ask, and yet there were four movies which were remakes of European films and also set in the past? I think The Thirteenth Floor might be a tough one though, I think it is only like “virtually” in the past or something.)

Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 9) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Sylvester Stallone is No. 1 billed in Oscar and No. 1 billed in The Expendables 3, which also stars Jason Statham (No. 2 billed) who is in In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale (No. 1 billed) which also stars Leelee Sobieski (No. 3 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 1 billed) => (1 + 1) + (2 + 1) + (3 + 1) = 9. If we were to watch The Glass House we can get the HoE Number down to 8.

Notes – At the AFI Life Achievement Award in 1991 which went to Kirk Douglas, Sylvester Stallone in his tribute to Douglas recalled the filming of the scene where he hits Stallone in the face. After a swing and miss, Stallone jokingly told Douglas to slap him hard. “Let me have your best”, whereupon Douglas proceeded to beat Stallone silly. Stallone said “I learned the hard way: never spar with Spartacus.”

One night, after filming wrapped, a fire destroyed several sets, many of the actors’ trailers (among them Tim Curry’s), all of the costumes, and twenty-one valuable vintage cars. Production was halted for two weeks while they were remaking all of the costumes. A Universal security guard hired to guard the cars later admitted to setting the fire.

Appearing as the title character Oscar, this is Jim Mulholland’s only movie.

In the early 1980s, this movie was originally proposed as another project for director John Landis and John Belushi, who was pencilled in for the Angelo “Snaps” Provolone role. The project was abandoned once Belushi died, but resuscitated later, this time with Sylvester Stallone in the lead.

This movie was based on the 1958 French play “Oscar” by Claude Magnier.

Kirk Douglas and Sylvester Stallone had only appeared in one movie together previously, and it had not been a happy experience. Douglas had started out as Colonel Trautman in First Blood (1982), but quit after a dispute over whether Rambo should live or die at the end. It was not an amicable departure.

The name of the horse on which one of Snaps’ henchmen places a bet is High Hat, the name of the horse ridden by Harpo Marx in A Day at the Races (1937).

When Anthony Rossano C.P.A. (Vincent Spano) first appears at Angelo “Snaps” Provolone’s (Sylvester Stallone’s) door, Aldo (Peter Riegert) says “it’s Little Anthony” he looks behind him “and his Imperial”. Little Anthony and the Imperials was a rock band in the 1950s.

Snaps and his men quip that they were last in Chicago on Valentine’s Day, most likely referring to the Saint Valentine’s Day Massacre.

The poster is an homage to the iconic scene from Safety Last! (1923).

The film takes place in 1931.

Awards – Nominee for the Razzie Award for Worst Actor (Sylvester Stallone, 1992)

Nominee for the Razzie Award for Worst Supporting Actress (Marisa Tomei, 1992)

Nominee for the Razzie Award for Worst Director (John Landis, 1992)

Original Sin Preview

Jamie and Patrick get off the Paris Metro. They look at the thirty story apartment building where they were told the Dongle is housed. It’s tough, but nothing a little dew can’t solve. They cheers with their limited edition Fuchsia Fusion Mountain Dew Deluxe brought to you by Mountain Dew. With the smallest sip they feel the power (and it feels good). Five minutes later they parkour flip their way onto the roof and get into a Twin Chop stance. But there isn’t anyone there to chop. Suspicious. As they walk their way down to the low level terrorist’s apartment they do the calculus on what might be going on. “What if they knew we were from the future so they sent us here to get us out of the way while our past selves went to Budapest?” Jamie says. It’s a reasonable guess, but they had Kyle take the past Jamie and Patrick on a hiking trip to Greece and they seem to be having a grand old time according to their Insta posts. When they amble into the apartment they gasp. There’s the Dongle, sitting on the kitchen table, not a soul in sight. Is it a trap? Or is this their moment to seize the Dongle and finally remove it from the equation? Just as Jamie reaches for it, Patrick stays his hand. “Look around,” Patrick whispers and only in that moment does Jamie realize that the apartment is an exact replica of the apartment from the hit television show Mad About You. My God! It’s a trap! They must have made the apartment specifically that way as an elaborate ruse. They turn to run, but are stopped at gunpoint by Future Mikey. “Pick it up,” he demands, “this is the moment. This is your…” That’s right! We’re watching the Banderas/Jolie smash hit Original Sin which is about… something… I’m not sure, but you better believe it’s steamy. As for Bring a Friend, we are pairing this with another erotic (?) thriller (?) Swept Away starring Madonna which just didn’t qualify for BMT cause it was so bad they couldn’t release it wide to theaters. Let’s go!

Original Sin (2001) – BMeTric: 32.3; Notability: 30

StreetCreditReport.com – BMeTric: top 22.0%; Notability: top 28.4%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 8.4%; Higher BMeT: Glitter, Jason X, Freddy Got Fingered, Driven, The Animal, Ghosts of Mars, Black Knight, Valentine, Crocodile Dundee in Los Angeles, Soul Survivors, Monkeybone, The Musketeer, Corky Romano, Scary Movie 2, The Wedding Planner, Bones, Summer Catch, The Order, Say It Isn’t So, The Wash, and 35 more; Higher Notability: Pearl Harbor, Monkeybone, Lara Croft: Tomb Raider, Hannibal, Impostor, Ghosts of Mars, Not Another Teen Movie, Bubble Boy, 15 Minutes, Swordfish, The One, Town & Country, The Affair of the Necklace, Scary Movie 2, I Am Sam, America’s Sweethearts, Along Came a Spider, 3000 Miles to Graceland, Texas Rangers, Joe Dirt, and 51 more; Lower RT: Texas Rangers, Soul Survivors, Glitter, All the Queen’s Men, Corky Romano, The Forsaken, Summer Catch, The Wash, Out Cold, Say It Isn’t So, Joe Dirt, Head Over Heels, Megiddo: The Omega Code 2, What’s the Worst That Could Happen?, Freddy Got Fingered, Crocodile Dundee in Los Angeles, Perfume, The Musketeer, Valentine, Double Take; Notes: Pretty minor. And when you are going against heavy hitters like Glitter it is no wonder a film like Original Sin would cruise under our radar for so long.

RogerEbert.com – 3.0 stars – The movie is not intended to be subtle. It is sweaty, candle-lit melodrama, joyously trashy, and its photography wallows in sumptuous decadence. The ending is hilariously contrived and sensationally unlikely, as the movie audaciously shows an irrevocable action and then revokes it. I don’t know whether to recommend “Original Sin” or not. It’s an exuberant example of what it is–a bodice-ripping murder “meller”–and at that it gets a passing grade. Maybe if it had tried to be more it would have simply been watering the soup.

(Wow. This is the second in a few weeks where Ebert is like “what are you guys going on about? This is a good movie” about a BMT film. I can see it for both Wicker Park and this. They both are a specific genre or indie film that could be liked for the performances and not be bothered by the execution in the end.)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L5xoAd6ejWk/

(I sure hope I can call it “extremely steamy”! And cha Ebert gave it a thumbs up, he was like “good for what it is.” It actually it a great example of that. The trailer? It did seem bodice-ripping, so I give it a thumbs up.)

Directors – Michael Cristofer – ( Known For: The Night Clerk; Body Shots; BMT: Original Sin; Razzie Notes: Nominee for Worst Screenplay for The Bonfire of the Vanities in 1991; Notes: Won the Pulitzer for his production of the play The Shadow Box which he eventually wrote a tv adaptation for. Seems like he was a pretty major actor, was in 32 episodes of Mr. Robot.)

Writers – Cornell Woolrich – ( Known For: Rear Window; The Window; Cloak & Dagger; Black Angel; The Bride Wore Black; Mississippi Mermaid; The Leopard Man; No Man of Her Own; Seven Blood-Stained Orchids; The Chase; Phantom Lady; The Guilty; Street of Chance; Night Has a Thousand Eyes; Union City; Fear in the Night; Deadline at Dawn; Nightmare; Seven Footprints to Satan; She’s No Angel; BMT: Original Sin; Mrs. Winterbourne; Notes: He wrote the original novel and died in the 60s. All of these films, amazingly, are presumably made from various novels and short stories.)

Michael Cristofer – ( Known For: The Night Clerk; The Witches of Eastwick; Casanova; Falling in Love; Chuck; Mr. Jones; Breaking Up; BMT: Original Sin; The Bonfire of the Vanities; Razzie Notes: Nominee for Worst Screenplay for The Bonfire of the Vanities in 1991; Notes: Nominated for two Emmys for writing, for Gia and The Shadow Box.)

Actors – Antonio Banderas – ( Known For: Uncharted; Interview with the Vampire: The Vampire Chronicles; Official Competition; Spy Kids; Shrek 2; The Mask of Zorro; Philadelphia; The Skin I Live In; Desperado; Frida; Shrek the Third; Spy Kids 3: Game Over; Once Upon a Time in Mexico; Security; Four Rooms; Knight of Cups; Tie Me Up! Tie Me Down!; Evita; Shrek Forever After; The Laundromat; Future BMT: Life Itself; Machete Kills; Spy Kids 4: All the Time in the World; The Legend of Zorro; Assassins; Play It to the Bone; BMT: Hitman’s Wife’s Bodyguard; The Expendables 3; Dolittle; Original Sin; The 13th Warrior; Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever; Never Talk to Strangers; Notes: Broke into Hollywood with The Mambo Kings, but originally was a major actor in Spain. Was nominated for an Oscar for Dolor y gloria.)

Angelina Jolie – ( Known For: Eternals; The Good Shepherd; Girl, Interrupted; Kung Fu Panda; Wanted; Mr. & Mrs. Smith; Maleficent; Those Who Wish Me Dead; Kung Fu Panda 3; Kung Fu Panda 2; Changeling; Beowulf; Salt; By the Sea; Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow; The One and Only Ivan; Come Away; Playing by Heart; Pushing Tin; Foxfire; Future BMT: Alexander; The Tourist; Maleficent: Mistress of Evil; Shark Tale; The Bone Collector; Taking Lives; Life or Something Like It; Beyond Borders; Playing God; BMT: Lara Croft: Tomb Raider; Gone in 60 Seconds; Original Sin; Lara Croft Tomb Raider: The Cradle of Life; Hackers; Razzie Notes: Nominee for Worst Actress in 2002 for Lara Croft: Tomb Raider, and Original Sin; in 2003 for Life or Something Like It; in 2004 for Beyond Borders, and Lara Croft Tomb Raider: The Cradle of Life; and in 2005 for Alexander, and Taking Lives; Notes: Daughter of Jon Voight. Won an Oscar for Girl, Interrupted, and was nominated for The Changeling. Recently I read she spite-sold half of a winery she owned with Brad Pitt. Baller.)

Thomas Jane – ( Known For: Boogie Nights; The Mist; Face/Off; Scott Pilgrim vs. the World; Deep Blue Sea; Magnolia; Vendetta; Hot Summer Nights; The Thin Red Line; Run Hide Fight; LOL; 1922; Nemesis; Murder at Yellowstone City; Before I Wake; Breach; The Vanished; White Bird in a Blizzard; The Last Son; Money Plane; Future BMT: Buffy the Vampire Slayer; The Punisher; A-X-L; The Crow: City of Angels; BMT: The Predator; Original Sin; The Sweetest Thing; Dreamcatcher; Notes: Used to be married to Rutger Hauer’s daughter. I’ll always remember him as a weird choice for The Punisher.)

Budget/Gross – $42,000,000 / Domestic: $16,534,221 (Worldwide: $35,402,320)

(Yeah that’s a bomb, but I’m also very skeptical of that $42 million budget. I know it is a period piece, and I know Jolie was famous, but still. You think this is pulling in $100 million?)

Rotten Tomatoes – 12% (11/90): Laughably melodramatic, Original Sin features bad acting, bad dialogue, and bad plotting.

(Melodramatic could be good, but this also just kind of screams “boring.” But maybe I’m just biased against bad dramas in general. The Owen Gleiberman quote below is amazing and probably 100% true.)

Reviewer Highlight: A textbook case of a movie that would have been better had it been worse. –  Owen Gleiberman, Entertainment Weekly

Poster – Original Sklog

(I mean, yes, I will watch that, thank you. If you want to get butts in seats that is certainly a way to do it. Lot’s a flesh on this poster so you know what you’re in for. Everything else is merely OK. B)

Tagline(s) – Lead Us Into Temptation (A+)

(I like that a lot. I’m gonna go ahead and rock an A+ on that guy. Four words. Connected to the title/plot. Clever twist on a common saying. It’s a master class.)

Keyword(s) – European Remake

Top 10: 12 Monkeys (1995), The Italian Job (2003), Insomnia (2002), Scent of a Woman (1992), Clash of the Titans (2010), Some Like It Hot (1959), Vanilla Sky (2001), True Lies (1994), Dawn of the Dead (2004), The Tourist (2010)

Future BMT: 54.5 Eye of the Beholder (1999), 54.0 Downhill (2020), 49.2 The Omen (2006), 44.8 Catch That Kid (2004), 43.1 Diabolique (1996), 43.0 Village of the Damned (1995), 41.8 I Think I Love My Wife (2007), 41.2 Clash of the Titans (2010), 41.2 Mixed Nuts (1994), 39.8 Intersection (1994)

BMT: The Wicker Man (2006), Taxi (2004), The Haunting (1999), Get Carter (2000), Jungle 2 Jungle (1997), Pathfinder (2007), Fathers’ Day (1997), Nine Months (1995), The Big Wedding (2013), Brick Mansions (2014), Sleepless (2017), The Blue Lagoon (1980), School for Scoundrels (2006), Original Sin (2001), Blame It on Rio (1984), The Loft (2014), Vanilla Sky (2001), Wicker Park (2004)

Best Options (Razzies (Picture, Actor, Actress)): 39.8 Intersection (1994), 32.3 Original Sin (2001), 17.2 Oscar (1991), 15.6 Jakob the Liar (1999)

(We are going to watch Oscar next week as a transition. I wanted a Worst Actress nod in particular anyways to go with Swept Away. That BMT list is getting gaudy!)

Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 12) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Angelina Jolie is No. 1 billed in Original Sin and No. 3 billed in Gone in Sixty Seconds, which also stars Nicolas Cage (No. 1 billed) who is in The Wicker Man (No. 1 billed) which also stars Leelee Sobieski (No. 5 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 1 billed) => (1 + 3) + (1 + 1) + (5 + 1) = 12. If we were to watch The Bone Collector we can get the HoE Number down to 11.

Notes – The plantation house was a real sugar cane plantation manor, albeit abandoned.

Michelle Pfeiffer’s production company had originally purchased the rights to the novel, with the intention that Pfeiffer herself would star. However, the actress opted to simply serve as producer on the film.

Director Michael Cristofer said in interviews, and in his commentary for the movie, that before the sex scene between Luis and Julia was filmed, Angelina Jolie told him that she would only film the scene if she was fully naked and without tapes or anything else to cover her up. Antonio Banderas also decided to do the scene fully naked after talking with them, and only Cristofer and a couple of more crew members were involved in filming it. This meant that lot of footage filmed for the scene, however, could not be used in the film because it was just too graphic and explicit to show onscreen. Cristofer said he was unable to even include it in the NC-17 unrated version, which is why in all versions of the film, the sex scene has very obvious cuts which are covered with editing and fade outs in between the shots. This was also where the rumor started about how Jolie and Banderas had unsimulated sex, which was said to have been another reason for why the scene was cut down. Cristofer said he still had copy of original cut of the film which, amongst other deleted scenes, also included the original uncut sex scene.

In December 2000, Ted Casablanca from E! Online reported how the infamous uncut version of sex scene between Jolie and Banderas was, on its own, 20 minutes long.

This film was a remake of François Truffaut’s Mississippi Mermaid (1969), starring Jean-Paul Belmondo and Catherine Deneuve.

This was the last film produced under Michelle Pfeiffer’s production company, Via Rosa Productions.

Awards – Nominee for the Razzie Award for Worst Actress (Angelina Jolie, 2002)

Brick Mansions Preview

As Patrick and Jamie skulk behind the numerous wicker chairs populating Wicker Park, they try to come up with a plan. Could they stand in for Past Jamie and Patrick and trick the G-Men into giving them the task instead? No. As Jamie notes, rulez are coolz and when given a very important job they aren’t ones to drop the ball like a couple of unprofessional idiots. But that gets them thinking, what if they did follow through? At that they jump out of the bushes and right in the path of the G-Men. “Yo, G-Men, you looking for us?” The G-Men are a bit confused. These Bad Movie Twins look at least ten or eleven years older than the studs in the photos they have. But they shrug their shoulders and agree that since only the secret Time Cop Corporation has the technology of time travel there isn’t anything to worry about. Jamie and Patrick yawn as the G-Men go into intricate detail about the mission they already know everything about. “Yeah, yeah, yeah, high level terrorists in Budapest. Right? We got it,” Jamie says, trying to hurry them along. Now they look double confused and a bit suspicious. “No, not terrorists in Budapest. How did you…” they ask, eyeing Jamie sideways, but eventually shrug again and continue, ‘It’s actually pretty low level terrorists in Paris. Some much higher level terrorists broke down on their way to Budapest. They were carrying a powerful weapon that every baddie in the world would want. It was stolen from the truck and we need to get it back. You up for the job?” Jamie and Patrick gulp and nod their heads. “Oh and one more thing,” the G-Men say, “Hope you guys brought some Mountain Dew.” That’s right! We’re watching Brick Mansion starring Paul Walker. It’s a remake of District B13 that I remember seeing in theaters in college… we didn’t see this one in theaters for obvious reasons. Let’s go!

Brick Mansions (2014) – BMeTric: 44.4; Notability: 29

StreetCreditReport.com – BMeTric: top 10.4%; Notability: top 19.2%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 20.6%; Higher BMeT: Left Behind, The Legend of Hercules, Ouija, God’s Not Dead, Devil’s Due, The Pyramid, A Haunted House 2, Tammy, Sex Tape, I, Frankenstein, Paranormal Activity: The Marked Ones, Behaving Badly, Outcast, Annabelle, Everly, Annie, Vampire Academy, Pompeii, Addicted, Seventh Son, and 6 more; Higher Notability: Transformers: Age of Extinction, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Exodus: Gods and Kings, Transcendence, A Million Ways to Die in the West, Dracula Untold, Dumb and Dumber To, The Monuments Men, Annie, Seventh Son, Winter’s Tale, Think Like a Man Too, Horrible Bosses 2, Need for Speed, The Expendables 3, Men, Women & Children, Ride Along, The Nut Job, Vampire Academy, Pompeii, and 28 more; Lower RT: Behaving Badly, Left Behind, Cam2Cam, Outcast, I, Frankenstein, The Legend of Hercules, Ouija, Some Kind of Beautiful, Addicted, A Haunted House 2, The Angriest Man in Brooklyn, The Cobbler, Search Party, God’s Not Dead, The Best of Me, No Good Deed, Seventh Son, Winter’s Tale, Taken 3, The Nut Job, and 31 more; Notes: Middling across the board. Part of the problem, as I see it, was the competition in the mid-2010s was stiff. Left Behind? Legend of Hercules? Devil’s Due? It is kind of impossible this film could compete with those heavy hitters.

RogerEbert.com – 2.5 stars – The action may be serious, but “Brick Mansions” doesn’t take itself too seriously. It’s a ridiculous movie that has the decency to acknowledge that it’s ridiculous.

(So … good for what it is? Roger Ebert would be proud. Especially in the 2000s he was all about the self-aware bad film actually being good. I think the problem is that this was already made from a self-aware film that also happened to be pretty good.)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4CzcsN4k9FM/

(I mean, it looks kind of cool I suppose. The only issue is the French actor (who was in the original) doesn’t seem like he can keep up with the dialogue. But we’ll see.)

Directors – Camille Delamarre – ( Future BMT: The Transporter Refueled; BMT: Brick Mansions; Notes: Not much about him. Presumably French. Has directed a film called Assassins Club with Sam Neill.)

Writers – Luc Besson – ( Known For: Léon: The Professional; The Fifth Element; Taken; Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets; Lucy; The Transporter; Transporter 2; Revolver; The Big Blue; Arthur, malédiction; Transporter 3; Nikita; Taxi; District B13; Bandidas; Point of No Return; Unleashed; American Renegades; Kiss of the Dragon; Enter the Warriors Gate; Future BMT: Anna; 3 Days to Kill; The Family; The Transporter Refueled; Colombiana; Taken 3; Taken 2; Lockout; The Messenger: The Story of Joan of Arc; Arthur and the Invisibles; From Paris with Love; BMT: Taxi; Brick Mansions; Notes: French. Probably most well known for Fifth Element among many other films that have managed to cross international borders. Kind of amazing this is only our second of his films.)

Bibi Naceri – ( Known For: District B13; The Code; BMT: Brick Mansions; Notes: He wrote the original. Really has no other credits in the US. Everything else is pretty much French productions across the board.)

Ryan Amon – ( BMT: Brick Mansions; Notes: Credited as Ruff Argonauts apparently? Mainly a composer, but I would guess he does uncredited rewrites on the side or something, which is kind of wild.)

Actors – Paul Walker – ( Known For: Furious 7; She’s All That; Fast Five; Furious 6; Joy Ride; Pleasantville; Varsity Blues; Flags of Our Fathers; Running Scared; Eight Below; Tammy and the T-Rex; The Lazarus Project; Hours; Pawn Shop Chronicles; Vehicle 19; Bobby Z; Noel; Monster in the Closet; Stories USA; Future BMT: Into the Blue; Brokedown Palace; Takers; Meet the Deedles; BMT: The Fast and the Furious; Fast & Furious; 2 Fast 2 Furious; Timeline; The Skulls; Brick Mansions; Notes: Sadly died in 2013, prior to this film being released. The song, “See You Again” was made as a tribute for the Furious 7 soundtrack.)

David Belle – ( Known For: Femme Fatale; District B13; Rogue City; District 13: Ultimatum; Divine Intervention; Super Express; Future BMT: The Family; BMT: Babylon A.D.; Brick Mansions; Notes: His father, to some degree, is credited with inventing Parkour. Really, Belle probably actually did, as his father apparently mostly forgot everything and only really “invented” it in that he used his skills to not get beat up in a Vietnamese orphanage as a child.)

RZA – ( Known For: Minions: The Rise of Gru; Nobody; American Gangster; The Dead Don’t Die; Clean; Ghost Dog: The Way of the Samurai; The Next Three Days; Mr. Right; Popstar: Never Stop Never Stopping; Life in a Year; Funny People; The Man with the Iron Fists; A Very Harold & Kumar Christmas; Coffee and Cigarettes; Mutafukaz; The Protector 2; Hard Luck Love Song; Life Is Hot in Cracktown; Thriller; Gospel Hill; Future BMT: Scary Movie 3; Due Date; Derailed; BMT: G.I. Joe: Retaliation; Be Cool; Repo Men; Brick Mansions; Notes: Has been nominated for an Emmy for the soundtrack to Wu-Tang: An American Saga. He has also directed a few things, including the pretty well received The Man with the Iron Fists.)

Budget/Gross – $28,000,000 / Domestic: $20,396,829 (Worldwide: $71,416,730)

(Actually not too bad once you consider international money. The domestic haul is obviously much lower than they would have probably hoped though.)

Rotten Tomatoes – 26% (26/100): Choppily edited and largely bereft of plot, Brick Mansions wastes a likable cast on a pointless remake of the far more entertaining District B13.

(Yes, this is what I felt like at the time. I saw the original in 2006 (I think)? This coming out eight years later seemed odd since District B13 is good.)

Reviewer Highlight: Follows the bog-standard formula perfected by Besson: combining functional storylining with competent action highlights and an occasional air of whimsy. – Trevor Johnston, Time Out

Poster – BM2: Smooth Moves

(Wow… that is not good. Like supreme lameness. I would see that in a theater and be like “See you at BMT.” Color scheme is terrible and just too much going on. Interesting artistic choices but really that’s a mild positive in a sea of not good things. D.)

Tagline(s) – N/A

(There are some taglines on imdb but I don’t know where they come from. There isn’t one on the poster, so that’s an F. Give us something to work with.)

Keyword(s) – European Remake

Top 10: 12 Monkeys (1995), The Italian Job (2003), Insomnia (2002), Scent of a Woman (1992), Clash of the Titans (2010), Some Like It Hot (1959), Vanilla Sky (2001), True Lies (1994), Dawn of the Dead (2004), The Tourist (2010)

Future BMT: 54.5 Eye of the Beholder (1999), 54.0 Downhill (2020), 49.2 The Omen (2006), 44.8 Catch That Kid (2004), 43.1 Diabolique (1996), 43.0 Village of the Damned (1995), 41.8 I Think I Love My Wife (2007), 41.2 Clash of the Titans (2010), 41.2 Mixed Nuts (1994), 39.8 Intersection (1994)

BMT: The Wicker Man (2006), Taxi (2004), The Haunting (1999), Get Carter (2000), Jungle 2 Jungle (1997), Pathfinder (2007), Fathers’ Day (1997), Nine Months (1995), The Big Wedding (2013), Brick Mansions (2014), Sleepless (2017), The Blue Lagoon (1980), School for Scoundrels (2006), Blame It on Rio (1984), The Loft (2014), Vanilla Sky (2001), Wicker Park (2004)

Best Options (future): 44.4 Brick Mansions (2014), 8.9 The Thirteenth Floor (1999)

(Yup, this was basically the only option. If not for this I think we maybe could have managed the full French cycle (in that it needed to go elsewhere for that to work)? Although maybe not, it is possible we’d still be missing a Dimension transition at the top. Regardless, we’d effectively killed any possibility of another Merde de la Merde. There are plenty left, but in reality the genre specific options are clearly too thin.)

Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 15) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Paul Walker is No. 1 billed in Brick Mansions and No. 1 billed in 2 Fast 2 Furious, which also stars Eva Mendes (No. 3 billed) who is in Ghost Rider (No. 2 billed) which also stars Nicolas Cage (No. 1 billed) who is in The Wicker Man (No. 1 billed) which also stars Leelee Sobieski (No. 5 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 1 billed) => (1 + 1) + (3 + 2) + (1 + 1) + (5 + 1) = 15. If we were to watch Into the Blue we can get the HoE Number down to 12.

Notes – Paul Walker’s last fully completed performance (although his final film performance was in Fast & Furious 7 which he was filming at the time of his death).

This film is a remake of the French film “District B13” (Banlieu 13) which stars David Belle in the same role as in this movie. Additionally, plot & other action elements are used from Luc Besson’s treatment of B13: Ultimatum, the French follow up to the first film.

The Gate 38 location was also used in Death Race (2008) as a part of the race track.

Tremain AKA RZA tells Damian and Leno that “Cash rules everything around me.” Which is the title to a hit song by the Wu-Tang Clan which RZA was a member of.

The film takes place in 2018.

In the scene where they show the prison holding Lino, it is actually the Montreal Biosphere.

Wicker Park Preview

Nine months. Nine loooong months helping past Patrick care for his giant family, while also being careful it’s never revealed. Jamie and Patrick have had to live in a crawl space in the house surviving on only Flaming Hot Cheetos and Michelob Ultra (to keep their slim figures). They swap out so past Patrick is able to focus on his work-life balance. When the day of the European backpacking trip approaches they are pretty proud of themselves. The mental torture they have undergone for nine looong months will finally pay off cause past Patrick will finally let them know that… “Yeah, I think we’re still going to go. It seems like fun and Jamie has been really looking forward to it. But thanks.” What thuuuuuu… The Bad Movie Twins are aghast. They attempt to grab past Patrick by the collar and shake some sense into him, but they forget that he has rock hard muscles and lighting reflexes just like them… cause he is them. Shit. “Well now what?” Jamie asks, as they watch past Jamie and Patrick prepare for the trip. But it seems obvious to Patrick, they’ll just have to bide their time. Following them on the backpacking trip they relive some of their fondest memories. Snowmen in Norway and dog poo in The Netherlands. The X-treme hike in the Alps and then an even more X-treme tour of Chernobyl. Jamie rubs his neck where the mutant bit him and they laugh at how he transformed into an evil mutant until Patrick reminded him of who he was. Finally in Monte Carlo they have arrived at the moment of truth and they see the G-Men who first got them on the trail of the Dongle walking through Wicker Park towards past Patrick and Jamie’s hotel. Time to act. That’s right! We’re watching Wicker Park starring BMT faves Josh Hartnett and Matthew Lillard. And no, there isn’t a Wicker Park in Monte Carlo. I’m just a very professional writer. Let’s go!

 Wicker Park (2004) – BMeTric: 10.3; Notability: 25

StreetCreditReport.com – BMeTric: top 36.0%; Notability: top 33.2%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 27.8%; Higher BMeT: Catwoman, Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2, The Adventures of Sharkboy and Lavagirl 3-D, You Got Served, Torque, Taxi, Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen, Soul Plane, Seed of Chucky, Anacondas: The Hunt for the Blood Orchid, Garfield, Thunderbirds, Envy, Godsend, Fat Albert, Agent Cody Banks 2: Destination London, Scooby-Doo 2: Monsters Unleashed, New York Minute, Exorcist: The Beginning, First Daughter, and 70 more; Higher Notability: Shark Tale, Catwoman, The Chronicles of Riddick, Van Helsing, King Arthur, Scooby-Doo 2: Monsters Unleashed, Alexander, After the Sunset, Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason, Blade: Trinity, The Stepford Wives, She Hate Me, Fat Albert, Alien vs. Predator, Man on Fire, Meet the Fockers, The Princess Diaries 2: Royal Engagement, Around the World in 80 Days, Raising Helen, The Phantom of the Opera, and 63 more; Lower RT: Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2, Twisted, The Whole Ten Yards, Godsend, Yu-Gi-Oh!: The Movie – Pyramid of Light, The Cookout, Christmas with the Kranks, Johnson Family Vacation, My Baby’s Daddy, Envy, Surviving Christmas, First Daughter, Catwoman, Taxi, House of D, Exorcist: The Beginning, New York Minute, Employee of the Month, A Cinderella Story, Against the Ropes, and 47 more; Notes: That IMDb score … is absurd. It is nearly at 7.0! I’m not joking when I say that might actually be the highest IMDb scores ever for BMT. I have to check this … A Walk to Remember (7.3), A Dog’s Purpose (7.2), Rambo (2008) (7.0), The Guardian (2006) (6.9), Crank (6.9), Vanilla Sky (6.9). Fun fact: Crank and Vanilla Sky don’t qualify, it predates us being quite as dogmatic about Rotten Tomatoes scores.

RogerEbert.com – 3.0 stars – Once we understand the principle (if not the details) of the plot, “Wicker Park” works because the actors invest their scenes with what is, under the circumstances, astonishing emotional realism. There’s a scene between Josh Hartnett and Rose Byrne during which so much is said, and left unsaid, that we feel real sympathy for both characters. There’s an emotional craziness to the way the Hartnett character misses his plane to China and starts skulking around Chicago/Montreal like a sleuth. There’s an open innocence to the way Matthew Lillard’s character fails to realize he is about to become an innocent bystander. And Diane Kruger, whose Lisa is subjected to logical whiplash by the plot, always seems to know when it is and how she should feel. Now that’s acting.

(Amazing. This is a real rarity. A film that was just dunked on by (most) critics, but somehow also seems to be at least liked by a reasonably sized audience. Really weird.)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vFo0u-nXbGk/

(Wait wait wait wait wait … that’s the official trailer? Like an actual trailer people involved with the film put out? This isn’t a parody of like, what if Wicker Park was a thriller? Because it isn’t. You would be forgiven for thinking it is after watching that trailer, but it isn’t. It is a drama about a sad person wandering around Chicago thinking about the girl who got away. There is nothing (and I mean nothing) thrilling about this film. Truly and profoundly bizarre.)

Directors – Paul McGuigan – ( Known For: Lucky Number Slevin; Film Stars Don’t Die in Liverpool; Gangster No. 1; The Reckoning; The Acid House; Future BMT: Push; Victor Frankenstein; BMT: Wicker Park; Notes: Scottish. Was nominated for an Emmy for directing A Scandal In Belgravia, an episode of Sherlock.)

Writers – Gilles Mimouni – ( Known For: The Apartment; BMT: Wicker Park; Notes: Wrote the original. Was scheduled to direct an English-language film called The Pretender in 2001, but it fell through due to compensation and budgetary disputes.)

Brandon Boyce – ( Known For: Bad Samaritan; Apt Pupil; Venom; BMT: Wicker Park; Notes: Wrote two episodes of the new miniseries Under the Banner of Heaven which is supposed to be good.)

Actors – Josh Hartnett – ( Known For: Wrath of Man; Operation Fortune: Ruse de guerre; Sin City; Black Hawk Down; The Virgin Suicides; The Faculty; Ida Red; 30 Days of Night; Lucky Number Slevin; Halloween H20: 20 Years Later; Most Wanted; The Ottoman Lieutenant; O; Blow Dry; 6 Below: Miracle on the Mountain; Wild Horses; Bunraku; She’s Missing; Valley of the Gods; Resurrecting the Champ; Future BMT: Pearl Harbor; The Black Dahlia; 40 Days and 40 Nights; BMT: Wicker Park; Hollywood Homicide; Here on Earth; Town & Country; Razzie Notes: Nominee for Worst Screen Couple for Pearl Harbor in 2002; Notes: Y’all remember Josh Hartnett right? He’s making a bit of a comeback, but for a bit he exited Hollywood to chill in his home state of Minnesota. He’s been doing a lot of television.)

Diane Kruger – ( Known For: Inglourious Basterds; Troy; National Treasure; Mr. Nobody; Unknown; Fathers & Daughters; The Infiltrator; In the Fade; The Operative; Joyeux Noel; Farewell, My Queen; Special Forces; Jeremiah Terminator LeRoy; Maryland; The Hunting Party; A Perfect Plan; Sky; Copying Beethoven; Anything for Her; Goodbye Bafana; Future BMT: The 355; National Treasure: Book of Secrets; Welcome to Marwen; BMT: Wicker Park; The Host; Notes: German. Was originally a ballerina (which explains I imagine why the character is a dancer in this, or why she was cast in this), but then an injury ended that career and started her into modeling which (as it does) led into acting.)

Matthew Lillard – ( Known For: Scream; Scream; Trouble with the Curve; She’s All That; Scream 2; He’s All That; The Descendants; SLC Punk!; Looney Tunes: Back in Action; Serial Mom; Mortal Kombat Legends: Battle of the Realms; Without Limits; The Groomsmen; Bloodsucking Bastards; Return to Nim’s Island; What Love Is; Love’s Labour’s Lost; Dead Man’s Curve; Bickford Shmeckler’s Cool Ideas; Endless Bummer; Future BMT: Scooby-Doo; Without a Paddle; Scooby-Doo 2: Monsters Unleashed; The Perfect Score; Mad Love; BMT: Thir13en Ghosts; Hackers; Wicker Park; Summer Catch; In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale; Senseless; Wing Commander; Notes: The most sidekickening character actor of all time. But more recently he’s had a few notable character actor roles. In particular in The Descendents and in the new Twin Peaks sequel series.)

Budget/Gross – $30 million / Domestic: $13,001,257 (Worldwide: $21,741,598)

(That is bad. But it is probably bad because the movie is a slow moving drama about sad people.)

Rotten Tomatoes – 27% (36/135): Implausible coincidences and an overly convoluted structure make the movie hard to follow or believe.

(Hard to follow? Hardly. Believe? Seems immaterial. Uninteresting would be more like it, and yet loved by some. Interesting. It feels very very indie cinema for sure.)

Reviewer Highlight: It’s a sad day indeed when a movie’s most memorable performance belongs to Scooby Doo’s Matthew Lillard. – Jeannette Catsoulis, Las Vegas Mercury

Poster – Snickers Park

(I know I shouldn’t like this, but it’s like poster candy for me. They are taking something bad and doing everything right. It’s shaded yellow so the color scheme isn’t ruined by the pictures of people. We get cool and unique font. The only crime is the framing, which is all over the place. Oh and the fact that it’s all meaningless. But I forgive this, because it’s hard to explain what the film is actually about even after you’ve seen it. B-)

Tagline(s) – Passion never dies. (D)

(Blessedly short, but what is this nonsense? This isn’t Ghost starring Demi Moore and Patrick Swayze. No one dies in this film. No one dies at all. I feel like the poster/tagline combination is setting up a murder mystery it can’t deliver on.)

Keyword(s) – European Remake

Top 10: 12 Monkeys (1995), The Italian Job (2003), Insomnia (2002), Scent of a Woman (1992), Clash of the Titans (2010), Some Like It Hot (1959), Vanilla Sky (2001), True Lies (1994), Dawn of the Dead (2004), The Tourist (2010)

Future BMT: 54.5 Eye of the Beholder (1999), 54.0 Downhill (2020), 49.2 The Omen (2006), 44.8 Catch That Kid (2004), 44.4 Brick Mansions (2014), 43.1 Diabolique (1996), 43.0 Village of the Damned (1995), 41.8 I Think I Love My Wife (2007), 41.2 Clash of the Titans (2010), 41.2 Mixed Nuts (1994)

BMT: The Wicker Man (2006), Taxi (2004), The Haunting (1999), Get Carter (2000), Jungle 2 Jungle (1997), Pathfinder (2007), Fathers’ Day (1997), Nine Months (1995), The Big Wedding (2013), Sleepless (2017), The Blue Lagoon (1980), School for Scoundrels (2006), Blame It on Rio (1984), The Loft (2014), Vanilla Sky (2001), Wicker Park (2004)

Best Options (senseless): 10.3 Wicker Park (2004), 8.9 The Thirteenth Floor (1999)

(We really only had one option here. The Thirteenth floor is an oddity because it is based on a German … television movie maybe? It was on the table. Luckily this is indeed very much based on a French film and stars Matthew Lillard of Senseless fame.)

Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 4) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Josh Hartnett is No. 1 billed in Wicker Park and No. 3 billed in Here on Earth, => (1 + 3) = 4. There is no shorter path at the moment.

Notes – The restaurant where Matthew overhears Lisa talking on the telephone is called “Bellucci”. Monica Bellucci was the female lead in the French original The Apartment (1996), of which this film is a remake.

Josh Hartnett signed on after Paul Walker was forced to drop out due to complications with the filming of 2 Fast 2 Furious (2003).

This is the second movie in 2004 to feature both Diane Kruger and Rose Byrne in central female roles. The other movie was Troy, released 4 months earlier.

When Lisa (Diane Kruger) is in the Lady Dragon shoe store, the black heels with the red soles she tries on are Christian Louboutins.

This is a remake of the French film The Apartment (1996). One of the reasons it was most likely changed to the title it holds now is that its distributor, MGM, already owns an American film of the same name- a Best Picture Oscar winner, at that- The Apartment (1960), which they inherited from their purchase of United Artists.

Nine Months Recap

Jamie

I remember watching this film as a kid. Appropriate for a nine year old? Let’s put this to the judge. Exhibit A: the film is filled with broad comedy appropriate for an adaptation of a French film. We got Robin Williams with a silly accent. We got Tom Arnold acting out of his mind. Hugh Grant has transformed into Jerry Lewis. Exhibit B: There is really very little risque in the whole enterprise. Pregnancy is treated at a distance that eventually leads to a happy conclusion. Looking good for the defense at the moment. Oh, oh… what’s this in Exhibit C: the only moment of the film I remembered into adulthood is a moment where Hugh Grant and Julianne Moore are about to have sex until she stops the moment because she’s afraid that the baby would be scarred by having to see Hugh Grant’s penis thrust in its face in utero… horrifying on numerous levels, not least of which is that they are playing adult humans who should know better. Case goes to the prosecution. Not appropriate for a young Jamie and Patrick to be saddled with that memory for the rest of their lives.

Alright, let’s recap. Hugh Grant and Julianne Moore are super in love and super into their unmarried life and how great it is. Grant in particular is a child psychologist who seems hung up on all the bad parts of marriage and parenting, so he’s particularly taken aback when Moore announces that she is pregnant. Grant essentially has a slow motion meltdown as they prepare for the arrival of the child. This culminates with him missing an ultrasound and it’s the last straw. With Moore having left him, Grant is distraught. He tries all the classic midlife crisis remedies for heartbreak (hello, Hugh Grant with an earring), but nothing works. He just wants Moore, so he puts on his big boy pants and decides to grow up. He sells his convertible, he buys a ring, and proves to her that he’s in it to win it… and it works! Now everything is great and we are ready for the big climax. This is of course a double birth where both Moore and their friend Gail end up giving birth in the same room while Robin Williams, Tom Arnold, and Hugh Grant trip over each other. Funny in an absurd way, I guess. THE END

This falls into the bucket of films where you kinda just hate everyone. It legit appears that people who are supposed to love each other are frequently total assholes to each other, which is unpleasant. It doesn’t help that Hugh Grant plays, pardon the technical term, a total weenie. Mix in some very, very broad comedy with Tom Arnold (actually OK) and Robin Williams (maybe the worst performance of his career) and you get a bumpy ride. I will say that there was nice chemistry between Grant and Goldblum and I’m a sucker for a heartwarming cheesefest ending, but it’s not enough to save this one.

Hot Take Clam Bake! Alright so the most famous (to me) scene in the entire film is the infamous “we can’t have sex cause the unborn baby might see your penis” scene. I’m saying it right now, Moore knew this was bullshit and just didn’t want to have sex with Hugh Grant. Maybe she got the ick cause of his big, weird 90’s floppy hair he had. No matter the reason she realized in that moment that sex was off the table and made up the lie. How do I know? Cause Grant and Moore both read What to Expect When You’re Expecting during the film and in that book they make it very clear that sex during pregnancy is no prob. How do I know? I read the book. Why? Because we watched the film adaptation of What to Expect When You’re Expecting and I’m an insane person. Case closed. Ice cold take, really. Hot Take Temperature: Lemon Pepper Seasoning.

Patrick

‘Ello everyone! Nine Months? Felt more like Nine Years, amirite? Because the film is slow and unfunny, get it? Let’s go!

  • The cast of this film is, admittedly, off the chain. Tom Arnold and Joan Cusack in relatively small supporting roles. Jeff Goldblum popping in and out. Robin Williams coming in as a wacky doctor. These were five heavy hitters in comedy at the time.
  • At the same time is it weird to think that Jeff Goldblum and Hugh Grant might have at one point been considered “heavy hitters” in comedy? Just seems that way in my old man brain as it strains to remember watching this as a 10 year old. This film is slow and unfunny, but they assembled a cast as if they were making an actual comedy film with jokes.
  • Robin Williams though is terrible and completely out of place in the film. It is jarring to go from a semi-serious plotline about young adults facing the terrifying prospect of change and growth, to Williams as a wacky Russian stereotype. At the end he’s drunk while actively being a doctor. Hilarious and not at all offensive right?
  • I don’t really know what else to say about the film. It just kind of … is? Is there a plotline? What is it? That Hugh Grant and Julianne Moore are going to have a baby? That’s it? There are obnoxious people played by Tom Arnold and Joan Cusack (but really, don’t they actually have it together? Aren’t Hugh Grant and Jeff Goldblum the weird ones for wanting no strings attached childless relationships?).
  • I do think the film is bad. It is unfunny which is all it needed to be. But also, it has only gotten worse through time. Hugh Grant is an insufferable garbage person. The type of emotionless man who is scared of caring about anything that was the norm in the 90s (and, dare I say it, oft played off as sexy by Kevin Costner in particular). Doesn’t play well in the 2020s. But also that doesn’t matter, because the film is a comedy and it is not funny, which is all it really had to be to be not-bad.
  • I have to leave it there. For no other reason than there isn’t anything else to say.
  • A decent Product Placement (What?) for NERF in particular, even though they pull the punch on having Hugh Grant beat the shit out of Barney, which could have been fun. A definite Setting as a Character (Where?) for San Francisco which is the setting for a ton of Robin Williams films for whatever reason. Definite Secret Holiday Film (When?) for Halloween which features in a bit of one of the nine months the film takes place during. And I think the film is Bad because it is unfunny, has obnoxious characters, and doesn’t have a plot.

Take that Nine Months. Read about the sequel Ten Months in the Quiz. Cheerios,

The Sklogs